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antwine69 · 4 years

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could you please do a male reader who just doesn't understand anything nsfw beej says bc reader is an oblivious dumbass? I love your writing!

Oh hell yeah!! I love this idea so much aksbkdbakd-

Male reader!

⚠️Warnings: Nsft language, slightly awkward situations and Beej being kinda worried :((⚠️

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Beetlejuice had been trying to get you to get the picture you for months now, to no avail. He just got a confused stare, a chuckle and an "I don't get it..." back whenever he made a dirty joke or tried to be suggestive. He was actually starting to get annoyed. The demon was sat at the table in the kitchen, brooding silently over his predicament when you walked in. You were dressed in PJ pants and no shirt, your hair a ruffled mess. ``Mornin' Beej`` you greeted, a yawn running through your voice.

Beetlejuice was just sitting there, stunned, as he usually was when you showed even the least bit of skin. He gave an absent-minded wave, his eyes raking over your torso. You just hummed a disjointed melody to yourself, starting to make some coffee. ``I was starting to wonder where you went, since you weren't in bed this morning`` you said, looking through your coffee cups until you found your favourite one. You always hid your favourite cup in the back so nobody but you could use it, and so that Beej wouldn't break it. It wasn't Beej's fault he could be a bit restrictive.

The demon perked up at your remark, standing and striding over to you, wrapping his arms around you, letting his hands roam over your chest. ``So you want me in bed, huh? That can be arranged`` he purred, pressing a kiss to your cheek. Some of his hair was already starting to bloom into q light pink, as he felt your soft, warm skin underneath his fingers. You just chuckled, pouring the coffee into your mug. ``Good, I like cuddling in the morning`` you replied, putting down your mug and turning around in his arms, pressing a kiss to his nose. ``You wanna come watch Spirited Away with me? It's on Netflix now!`` you excitedly said, giving a grin. He just nodded, a light frown on his face. He wasn't sure if you got it or not, bit judging by your reaction, you probably didn't.

Just like always.

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There were several more attempts made that morning and following evening, and they all went straight over your head. Beetlejuice actually made more jokes and dirty comments than he had ever done in a day, and yet, nothing. Through all of this, worry started to bloom. What if you didn't want this? What if you were just acting because all the comments made you uncomfortable? You would've said something by now, right?

``Uh, Babes? Can I ask you something?`` The demon Piped up as the third Studio Ghibli movie of the day ended. You looked at him, giving a smile, despite the light worry that started swirling in your stomach. You sat on the couch Lotus style, facing him, him doing the same. He was avoiding your gaze. That couldn't be good.

``So... You know I like to joke around about dirty stuff and all of that?`` you nodded, letting him take his time. Sometimes words tended to get "Snaked up" in his mouth, as he had put it once, so you had to have patience with the poor man. ``And I just wanted to ask you.... Do you want me to stop with em? Cos they're directed and you and I dunno if they make you uncomfortable or what, but you don't seem to... Get them? Tell me if I get out of hand or-`` You cut him off with a gasp. You had half-way stopped listening as he said "they're directed at you".

The cogs finally started turning in your head, and your face started heating up as you replayed every comment, gesture and phrase he had tried. Every single shitty pickup line, every single try he had made. And you didn't get a single one. ``Mother of Fuck, I'm so dense.`` you muttered, staring into empty space. White streaks of fear started to bloom in Beej's hair as he scanned your face, seeing that it nearly resembled a Christmas light. The fear mixed with confusion, him putting a careful hand on your knee. ``Babes are you-`` you interrupted him again.

``Beej I am so sorry! You've been trying so hard and I just didn't see it! I am actually so so sorry! I just thought- I don't even know! I didn't understand! I still don't understand most of them, but they're dirty! You're trying to- oh.`` You paused, realising he had probably been trying this whole time aswell. ``You're still trying. Even after you've seen I'm stupider than two earthworms in a bucket?`` Beej actually looked like he was about to cry, his hair nearly resembling snow with a myriad of yellow and blues and a few specs of pink.

``Wait, are you angry or?`` he asked, fear making his voice lightly shake. ``Cos I'll leave, I'll-`` You interrupted him for the third time this evening. ``Angry? What? No! If anything I'm impressed you kept trying! I should've told you I never get dirty jokes... I just think you're being friendly or I probably don't think about them as much as I should... Either way, I'm being a stupid head!`` you said, an astonished chuckle running through your voice. Beej's hair slowly crept back to it's original green, streaks of pink forming at the roots. He chuckled weakly, wrapping you in a hug. He didn't have to say anything, you knew he had been scared. He pulled back, giving a suggestive grin.

``So.... Hows about you and I go up to the room, and I'll see if you're this talkative while I fuck your brains out?``

He didn't have to explain that one.

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Sorry if this isn't exactly what you wanted aaa- Keep sending in the Male!Reader ones though! I might be biased, but those are my favourites oop 😳👉👈

Thank you so much for all the positive feedback, I wouldn't be here if I did have you guys 💚🖤💚

I'll see y'all beautiful, shining Scarabee Beetles in the Neitherworld! Until next time! :))

#beetlejuice fluff #beetlejuice #x reader #beetlejuice x reader #male!reader #x male!reader #beetlejuice the broadway musical #beetlejuice the musical

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janiedean · 5 years

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Do you think book!Bran will get the same ending he does in the show? I mean, if he does, it will obviously be better written (I was like "Does Edmure know about the Three-Eyed Raven? Is Yara going 'the hell did you smoke' at the 'he couldn't walk so he learned to fly' part? Is nobody going to go 'ok but shouldn't we look for someone older and better known through Westeros, with experience in both politics and military stuff' at Tyrion?" through the whole scene), but do you think that's that?

(I had another anon that went like:

i can't believe there are still bran is evil theories. im pretty sure that bran ending up on the throne is likely bc it doesn't make sense in the show. d&d don't know anything about bran, but they do know this is george's ending

so I’m answering both XD)

the short answer is yes, but obviously it’s not gonna be written the same way as in this dumbass show for a whole lot of reasons.

now: actually, bran on the throne makes in hindsight a whole lot of sense...... if you take into account also what tropes he’s there to deconstruct. (I’m gonna cp some older meta of mine on the topic that I did ages ago but it still holds up lol.)

as in, when it comes to bran GENERALLY:

bran is the first pov chapter in these books. the first. should hint that he’s important;

bran has 90% of the magic-related storyline. I mean, if you don’t count the dragons/r’hollor + mel and the AA prophecy, there’s less magic in asoiaf than in regular fantasy for obvious reasons, but what there is of is all in bran’s storyline. all. of. it;

as it is right now, he’s arguably a powerhouse. possibly the most powerful powerhouse in westeros. he can probably warg dragons. he can time travel. if the show didn’t fuck it up, he can change things in the past while time traveling even if he shouldn’t;

the entire storyline is headed north/behind the wall and bran is the one main character who’s behind the wall rn. and bran is at a point where he basically is in direct connection with the north at least and when I say direct I mean literally. the guy can warg into anything. maybe he can’t walk but man he’s basically a hundred luke skywalkers put into one person;

he’s also tied to all the northern mythology - the trees, the children of the forest and the likes. him, his storyline, everything. and the north is arguably where this story started and will most probably end and he is the character more symbolizing that mythology, not anyone else.

when it comes to bran thematically.... guys. bran is the deconstructed fisher king. as in: the fisher king is a character from arthurian mythology who is absolutely fundamental in the entire scheme - also arthurian mythology is one of the basis people built modern fantasy on - and which has been rehashed and reinterpreted for a shitload of times since the middle ages. c/p-ing quickly from wiki because you don’t need to go in-depth to do 2+2 on this:

In Arthurian legend the Fisher King, or the Wounded King, is the last in a long line charged with keeping the Holy Grail. Versions of his story vary widely, but he is always wounded in the legs or groin and incapable of moving on his own. In the Fisher King legends, he becomes impotent and unable to perform his task himself, and he also becomes unable to father or support a next generation to carry on after his death. His kingdom suffers as he does, his impotence affecting the fertility of the land and reducing it to a barren wasteland. All he is able to do is fish in the river near his castle, Corbenic, and wait for someone who might be able to heal him.

+Many works have two wounded “Grail Kings” who live in the same castle, a father and son (or grandfather and grandson). The more seriously wounded father stays in the castle, sustained by the Grail alone, while the more active son can meet with guests and go fishing.+The Fisher King appears first in Chrétien de Troyes’ Perceval (late 12th-century), but the character’s roots may lie in Celtic mythology. He may be derived more or less directly from the figure of Bran the Blessed (!!!!!!) in the Mabinogion. In the Second Branch, Bran has a cauldron that can resurrect the dead (albeit imperfectly; those thus revived cannot speak) which he gives to the king of Ireland as a wedding gift for him and Bran’s sister Branwen. +The Lancelot-Grail cycle includes a more elaborate history for the Fisher King. Many in his line are wounded for their failings, and the only two that survive to Arthur’s day are the Wounded King, called Pellam or Pellehan, and the Fisher King, Pelles.

now, what I said last year in that meta was:

then there’s the entire part where galahad (or whoever else in his stead but it’s galahad most times) heals the fisher king and saves the land which turns fertile again, but whatever, point is: asoiaf is a deconstruction of tropes, right, well sorry but I’m eating my own hat if bran isn’t a fisher king deconstruction where the wound actually makes him powerful rather than weak and where he definitely won’t need anyone to *heal* him, while at the same time he is tied with the (his) land directly and he embodies it and most of the magic storyline. and the fisher king is one of the main tropes/legends in western literature/arthurian mythology, if you have that kind of character in your book then you are not planning for them to be a second-rate player.

now, admittedly back then I was envisioning a finale when bran was either king in the north or in some similar position and not as endgame king but if we take the show finale for granted because as the other anon said it made no sense for d&d but it was george’s ending and they had to make it happen without understanding it.... well. actually:

if bran - ie deconstructed fisher king who becomes powerful because of his wound and doesn’t have to be healed by a knight to make the land fertile again because that wound gives him power - becomes actual eventual king it’s the full circle of that trope’s deconstruction because his wound means the eventual salvation of the entire continent, which works perfectly to bookmark how that specific scenario is turned on its head;

the problem is that d&d can’t write bran for shit and turned him into the heartless robot/3ER who might or might not have schemed the entire thing and didn’t make him do shit for three seasons because they can’t handle the magic storyline and then at the ending mAGICALLY we have king bran first of his name, but in a coherent version done by grrm and not by them where bran has his eye-opening experience beyond the wall, doesn’t magically lose his personality when he becomes the 3ER, keeps his sweetness and empathy after risking to lose them (which was his adwd storyline), helps greatly during the long night thanks to the fact that he’s a powerhouse and is eventually recognized as a savior of the realm in its own merit, then......... it’s actually very much coherent with grrm’s themes to have him become king, but not because he knew all along and played mysterious until now and whatever the fuck else, but because it’s the coronation of his entire storyline which starts with sweet young boy who just wants to be a hedge knight and then ends up saving the entire continent making the best use of what he has after that’s taken from him while using his connection to the magic roots of the story/to his land/to his family for the good of the entire realm, and that was a damn good story - sadly it’s not what d&d chose to tell except at the end;

edmure and yara were badly written but that entire scene was badly written and well-acted sadly, like no one objected because no one will object in the book storyline, given that ^^^^ happens, in the show they just basically tried to find a way to make it halfway plausible but it looks dumb because it’s badly written and it’s copypasting an endgame for a story that d&d have not adapted, but basically you had to buy that bran was it. it made no sense but like... what made sense, this episode’s salvation was the acting and that since the endgame was half grrm’s it wasn’t as shitty as 8x05 but like within itself it was incoherent af;

that said I think that bran being king + the small council being more or less what it was in the show (because LIKE HELL that’s brienne’s endgame like brienne is def. not going into any kingsguard in the books unless george smoked weed when he was writing acok/asos/affc) as in made of all discriminated categories in westeros or discriminated people in westeros after the throne’s destruction is absolutely a thing grrm would do, because basically we’ve gone from badly suited kings with a small council that’s basically the westeros equivalent of old white republican men to a realm where the king can’t walk (but can fly! ;) ) and the rest of the small council is a) a disabled man who’s been abused to hell and back all his life (REGARDLESS OF TYRION’S FAULTS let’s just look at the strict facts here), b) a former commoner who has been a lord for years but couldn’t read when the series began (davos), c) another former commoner (bronn) [note that both davos and bronn are former *criminals*/come from a really poor background, not from the wealthy side of the commoners], d) a woman who is also a knight ie something that pretty much disregards the entire status quo from before (brienne), e) sam who let’s all remember is a noble but was sent to the wall by his father because his skills were in his brain and not with swords/fighting/whatnot and who also was abused to hell and back when he was young - like, both the only nobles in it that were born nobles were disadvantaged and felt that on their own skin so they aren’t out of touch with the rest of the continent (sam was at the WALL where the only nobles go there for lack of options but it’s basically a glorified prison X°DDD). like, that is an ending I can absolutely see grrm going for because it’s basically the revenge of our forgotten-from-s1-and-dnd cripples, bastards and broken things that start the show the way they do and end it on top of things. that is absolutely a thing I can see grrm doing (with some changes bc again I really doubt the books small council would include bronn and brienne). the problem is that d&d wrote it like crap.

but bran becoming king and that being the general idea? I absolutely can see it same as while I was on team jon gets the throne and hates it before if this is how it goes... well, since I’ve been saying that if he wanted to be happy he should have just gone back beyond the wall if that is his actual endgame I have no issues with it. hell, it’s way better than the one I had envisioned for him for that matter.

that said bran being evil is a theory that makes no sense, it’s just that d&d can’t write him and they managed to make him look like an ass if we assume he knew everything from before. but like. it’s them being unable to write that story, not the story in itself being invalid or making no sense, because with the book elements we have.... it makes a hell of a lot of sense.

they just had to write it and they didn’t.

#bran stark #game of thrones spoilers #got negativity #janie writes meta #sorry my hand slipped #haljathefangirlcat #ask post

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deadcatelog · 7 years

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chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted....... i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know??

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din.

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair.

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

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