kindacreepy-kindaugly

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

is it depression or is my appetite gone cause I'm preemptively preparing for when Val gives up on any progress & his relationship for real n starts givin me shit about my weight again

#i mean idk if it's gonna happen but #it might #why do i care what he thinks? ain't that the question #n i mean i know it's not even abt my appearance rly cause he gave me shit about it in my source body too n that one's full heroin chic #it's just abt the control #he likes me weak & he likes it when i starve myself for him #thank fuck our sleep meds make me hungry as hell cause otherwise i wouldn't be eatin at all #just need to make sure i have easy food available so we get some actual nutrition too instead of just junk #even the junk's better than nothing though! #it's not a body image issue for me atm but i'm kinda worried it might turn into one #like pllllssss we already had one ana stint we rly don't need another go at that it fucking sucked #n as a bonus doesn't even make us lose any weight cause our metabolism's fucked lmao #so it'd literally just be me eroding our insides for nothing. except like a brief feelin of satisfaction i guess #i can get that in less dangerous ways too tyvm #so i rly rly hope val's up to speed w/ the way it'd get legitimately dangerous for the body him included. n also make him feel like shit #if he wants that type of control there's other shit he could have me do. nothing i'd like but at least w/ less or no physical harm included #kinda wish my life wasn't like 80% harm management at this point but. it is what it is. #at some point it's gonna change. someone else is gonna take over. #all i havta do is keep shit running w/ as little long term damaga as possible til then #can my sedatives fucking do smth my heart's still fucking pounding for no reason uggghhhh #spdrvent #disordered eating cw

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

#ohhh is this a sign for the store???? we rly should try to get more into this style

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

why does bein sedated feel so damn goooooddd

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

It's so fucking HARD to give a shit about potential ~consequences~ to the system when you're just kinda wired not to give a shit about anyone or anything

#like i'm not out here tryin to make shit more difficult for the others but #i'm so fucking bored n also just a cunt so #i'm nearin the limits of my impulse control #especially cause i rly do think it'd fix him a little if i got val to just...ease off some of that control he always needs to have #n i know i could do it! #wasn't sure if he'd be into it first but he was veeery well behaved when i tried it out (just to mess w/ him too i didn't think it'd work) #so at this point i'm like 90% sure it's just an ego thing. i can work w/ that #but.......he's so fucking fragile he'd probably just freak out cause he actually liked bein told what to do n have a whole identity crisis #n take it out on one of the others to reassert his dominance or some shit #not me cause i'm not scared of him so he can't do shit #so it's just cause of the others i probably shouldn't......but hhhhhhhhhhh #so bored. need to fuck up a guy. #spdrvent

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

#spyder

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

ngl I do find it a bit funny that he'll talk about me startin to seem more like the Angel "he knows" like uhh when was that exactly?

#just cause you know my weak points don't mean you ever knew me #you never bothered to try #case in point i'm pretty sure he's thinkin of my work persona #which would be. spyder. not me. #y'know the uppity bitch you hate cause he won't let you touch him? that's the one #he just had to fake a lot of things when we were still under contract

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

#i HATE THIS FUCKING AD #absolute fucking traumacore material though #a bit too much so #ask to tag

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

he's back

#the usual val #the......somewhat less abusive one #mixed feelings #cause i should be keepin my goddamn distance but he's.... #i guess so upset about how things are w/ doll n i guess tryin to use me to fill those emotional needs that he's #more gentle than he's ever been w/ me. ever. #enough that i'm kinda suspecting they're tryin to pull some kinda good cop-bad cop routine on me lmao #probably not though i don't think they're capable of that much coordination #it's still not 1. rly about me 2. gonna last #but. i'm too damn tired to resist anymore. i just wanna rest. i just wanna not think. #especially since apparently it makes no difference even if i'm tryin my fucking hardest to do better #he said i'm startin to seem like the angel he knew again n i think that's probably not good sign for me #(also he never fucking knew me but i'm not sayin that) #try to at least.....hold off for a couple of days. don't let him get used to always havin access. i should be capable of that at least #should be #spdrvent

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

Hi Sharks, I'm asking for $250,000 for drugs and alcohol.

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

actually substances are addicted to me

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

I really don't know if I'm strong enough

I know lettin him do the shit he does just makes me worse n that effects everyone

I don't know if the system even has a way to keep me away from him if it's not a choice I make n I just can't force myself to make that decision

I tried but it scares me so fucking much I'm just. Frozen.

I'm sorry I really really am. I hate that the things I do effect others. I also know apologizing doesn't mean shit n at some point it becomes just another burden. I don't know how to do anything different.

#every night i go to bed my brain n body start screamin at me to go back go back go back #the only things i actively hate about myself are things he actively engourages n makes worse but #the only thing that makes me feel good about myself is knowin he wants me again #i know i'm just an object to him but at least i'm one he wants to own #i only ever managed to even start rebuilding myself n my life cause he got bored of me #it was never my decision not really #n if the system just takes that choice away from me n keeps me from him by force i. idk if i could get through that #i think i'd legitimately become a danger to the body #i try to imagine it n i just see myself clawin at his door screamin cryin beggin to be let back in #i can't fucking do it #i don't have any other coping skills. except substance abuse. which would escalate so much it'd also be a more immediate threat #i already need to dope myself up semi regularly just to have some relief w/o him #it's fucking pathetic i know #it's. a literal addiction isn't it? however the hell that works #they say no one ever stays clean til they've hit rock bottom #i guess i'm not there yet #i hope anyone of you that maybe read this shit know that you don't have to. i'm just venting #cause i can imagine it gets heavy to see me self-destruct like this. i try not to show it much irl but. yea #spdrvent

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

The answer to your problems is self-discipline

#yea

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

Sienna is Best Girl™

#look i'm never gonna watch the movie cause we're not great w/ gore n these ones are apparently extra gross but #i'm OBSESSED w/ this look

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

Fuck I wish we could just have some regular unhealthy self-destructive sex instead of the goddamn brainwash shit he's moved onto

#like i don't even care anymore i'll do your fucked up roleplays or whatever just make me stop thinkin #but nooo he's hell-bent on makin me stop functioning completely as if that wouldn't fuck over everyone in the system INCLUDING HIM #i guess at least in a way i'm a bit more motivated to keep away now #cause i ignored him callin last night so he's gon be p i s s e d #n w/ the way he's been lately i kinda don't wanna even know what that looks like #now to just quiet the part of my brain tellin me i better get it over w/ before it gets even worse cause i made him wait... #you know damn well the only way to keep it from gettin worse is stayin away from him for good #i fucking hate this!!! #spdrvent

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

.

#the (not actually) worst part is in an attempt to drown out the thought n the noise #i got myself sedated not enough for that but to the stage where sex w/ him is. fucking amazing #the kind that the high lasts for days #which is what got me hooked to begin w/ (it's nowhere near as good if i'm clean n sober) #(cause he likes me so much better high? or cause i'm less anxious n don't freak out over shit. idk.) #but FUCK if it isn't hard to resist when i can feel him callin me back home n i know how good it'd feel n i might be actually happy for days #as a downside it makes me a whole lot more receptive to him remodeling my entire goddamn brain #so i rly rly rly need to not fucking do that!! but fuck!!!!! #spdrvent

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

s ᴀ ʏ ʀ ᴇ ᴅ

#Get The Fuck Outta My Head!!!! #we have got to start journaling again i need to do. something #i need this to stop #god i can feel him calling #why why why why why #spdrvent

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

is all fine n good bein on the freaky side of tumblr, it was mostly stuff some of us are into anyway, til Val pops up cause he saw smth that interested him

#i need an acid bath #hatehatehatehatehate #both just that n also the specific content that caught his attention #i think i need to run #spdrvent