#this is actually basically my plan to gain weight lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iamamythologicalcreature · 17 days

Text

Pitch Manor Progress (which is sort of like Six Sentence Sunday but also not)

It's still Sunday for five more minutes, here. SO....

Okay, I haven't written anything on the Haunting of Simon Snow in awhile. But I have been working on my floor plan for Pitch Manor, which is more than tangentially related to the potential progress of that fic. And today's a rough one for me, so I'm going to post about it like it's progress so I might feel a tad better. Ahem.

OKAY. SO. I've been working on a floor plan for Pitch Manor for... pretty much forever and a day. I ran into trouble when I was writing chapter 2 of Haunting and Simon (Construction Worker!Simon) began to describe the house. I realized... I had no idea what he was describing.

(Warning, there is a long winded geeky ramble ahead. It's just how I do things. Ahem.)

What was supposed to be a quick "let's find a floor plan that I can just copy with some minor adjustments" project has since turned into my special interest project. As a history nerd, that means a lot of research, looking at dozens of floor plans for other houses ranging in origination from the 16th century to the 20th (and probably a few older than even that, since a ton of religious buildings were repurposed into estates. Think Downton *Abbey*.)

But this past week, I feel I've really pushed through a lot of the issues I kept running into. (I've ridiculously been trying to make it as true to the descriptions in Carry On as possible, and something that fits the purposes of my fic, which of course I have envisioned in many, sometimes incompatible, ways.) I've had to make some "this or that, you can't have both" choices, but I'm finally happy with the basic shape and layout.

Whew.

Just for funsies, here's a cross section snippet of my floor plan WIP. It's pretty messy still, but I'm still excited LOL

And (finally), instead of six sentences, I will instead offer you all six tidbits of information about Pitch Manor, as I've envisioned it:

There are four (4!) different sitting rooms. Because the aristocracy just loved their sitting rooms. (Parlor, Withdrawing room, Drawing room, and Reception/Receiving room.)

There is a ballroom. Try and stop me.

The original manor house was built in the 17th century, and has been refurbished and updated a few times.

The most extensive refurbishment happened in the 19th century, which is how it gained its current stylings. (Baz is a freaking troll and I love him for it. The most popular architectural style in the Victorian era was "Gothic Revival." "It's not Gothic; it's Victorian." Hah.)

Some rooms were added on during the Victorian refurbishment, including a Smoking room. They were very popular at that time.

The largest room in the house isn't the ballroom. It's the library. (It's two stories. Try and stop me.)

(I do hope to release the floorplans into the fandom wild after they're complete, in case anyone else wants to make use of them.)

I want to ramble more. But it's almost midnight. Sooo.... Gratitude and hellos under the cut!

Thank you to @blackberrysummerblog, @shrekgogurt, @rimeswithpurple, @thewholelemon, @monbons,

and @cutestkilla for the tags. I'm looking forward to seeing what everyone is working on!

Thank you also to those of you who have willingly (I hope) listened to me ramble on about this damned project of mine for ages. Because boy howdy, do I ramble. @cutestkilla, @hushed-chorus, @artsyunderstudy, @youarenevertooold, @ic3-que3n,

@best--dress, @monbons, and @mooncello. It's good there are a few of you, that way no single poor soul has to bear the full weight of my obsession special interest. (If anyone reading this actually wants to join these ranks, hit me up on Discord XD)

Thanks also to everyone that has tagged me even when it's been ages in between progress posts from me. I appreciate being kept in the loop on what you all are up to creatively!

Hellos and howdies to @noblecorgi @bookish-bogwitch @that-disabled-princess @bazzybelle @messofthejess

@imagineacoolusername @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @prettygoododds @emeryhall @ileadacharmedlife

@valeffelees @fiend-for-culture @bubble-gumhead @brilla-brilla-estrellita @aristocratic-otter

@j-nipper-95 @whatevertheweather @ivelovedhimthroughworse @drowninginships @alexalexinii

@facewithoutheart @angelsfalling16

#six sentence sunday #pitch manor #estate houses #floor plan #simon snow trilogy #baz pitch is a troll and I adore him for it #tbf I adore him pretty easily #it's not gothic it's victorian #gothic revival #I have so many other things I'm supposed to be working on #but also I'm super excited about this #and it's given me ideas #which is the best thing #the haunting of simon snow #I ramble a lot #sorry not sorry #okay it's technically monday now but posting this anyway #jodofic

31 notes · View notes

mostremote · 5 months

Text

reflecting on 2023, thoughts for 2024, long personal post

How would I sum up 2023? Well, it's certainly been productive. Securing a permanent position at a university I adore is unreal, and I still subconsciously assume there's been a mistake and they'll fire me any day now. After what was essentially 7 years of precarity, having professional stability is absolutely wild. I love my job, I love my students, I love my colleagues, and it's insane to me that I seem to have actually "made it" professionally.

My second book is coming out with a Big Publisher and that's very nice too. I don't have much emotional attachment to that project, but it took a lot of work and I'm satisfied that it is reaching its appropriate conclusion. I will make, I am sure, zero money out of it, but that's academic publishing for you lol

I gave my first keynote paper at a (cute, small) conference, so that was also a milestone. I also organised a very successful conference in which like 1/4 of the speakers cited my work, which was absolutely surreal and made me want to disappear into the ground.

I made a huge amount of progress on my novel, it's pretty much finished, and my one real resolution for 2024 is to make a proper effort to get it published. I'll wait until my academic book is out to start that process, but that's the one resolution I'm setting for myself. I don't know if I'll have any luck (it's not exactly a book with mass appeal) but I want to at least give it a shot.

Healthwise, well. It's been a ride. A good ride, but a ride nonetheless. I switched medications for my chronic illness, coming off a really major one and getting onto a much milder one, as I've been basically asymptomatic. This is good news all round: I've adapted well to the new meds, and I don't have to deal with all the nasty side effects of the old meds (they fuck you up long term). The main problem I have now is that I can't drink much alcohol, but that's a small price to pay for good health.

But one side effect of the medication was weight gain. I gained around a stone after I'd been on it for a year but I figured that was just "not being in your early 20s anymore" weight gain. Turns out nope! I haven't weighed myself lately but I have visibly lost a lot of weight and it's a little disconcerting to be suddenly, well, very skinny again. I look much younger and smaller. It's not bad, it's just a stark difference to adjust to and not something I was expecting to happen in my 30s.

I've also adjusted my hormone regimen. I don't have any long term plans (i never do lol) but I've been enjoying playing more with feminine presentations. I'm just, comfortable with my body and happy with who I am. How about that!

Mental healthwise, hoo boy. Let's address my being cursed by an ancient amulet and becoming crushingly obsessed with the fictional villain of The Hunger Games. I haven't spoken about this on here but The Shivering Season is significantly informed by my own experiences with different forms of abuse and mental health problems, and I have been processing a lot while writing it. Sometimes I've had anxiety attacks while writing, which never happens to me! There was a point before Christmas I was having anxiety attacks at random everyday, just hanging out watching TV, because it seems I was bringing so much stuff to the surface. And I seem to have worked through some things, because the intrusive sexual abuse thoughts/fantasies I have experienced compulsively for, idk, 15+ years have gone. Completely gone. Really, really weird! I need to go back to therapy about this but I just don't know how to explain "I became obsessed with The Hunger Games and now I have 70% less trauma" in a normal way.

And I have been extremely manic these past 2 months. That is probably obvious from how I've been posting, but jesus christ. I wake up at 5am, I fall asleep at 11pm (and as someone who historically needs 8-9 hours every night, this is significant). I write thousands of words almost every day. I am generally inclined to periods of mania, but this is extremely intense and it has lasted since the start of November. I'm scared of crashing, both because this hyperproductivity is giving me a lot of positive brain chemicals and because I don't know what kind of person I'll be if it goes. Will the intrusive thoughts come back? I don't want them to! I've been very happy without them!!

And that's the conclusion, really: I've had a very happy year. I'm mistrustful of happiness, but I am still happy. I don't know what to expect of 2024, but I am optimistic, and content, and marvelling at in what a good place I'm in now compared to how I was.

Happy new year!

11 notes · View notes

jess-abides · 8 months

Text

Vacation body thoughts below the cut (I should really just journal lol)

The last time I went on vacation in April, I was the biggest I’ve ever been. I wore my bikinis and was trying really hard to rock with body neutrality and tbh I was in a decent place with it. But I was super uncomfortable on the plane, and it was probably the most unpleasant travel experience that I can remember.

While I was on that trip, I started wanting to exercise…like idk why but I remember thinking “I want to start doing squats when I get home” lol and I got on the peloton the day after I got home and rode every day for like 2-3 weeks while I convinced my trainer friend to coach me after I realized he offered virtual sessions. I don’t know what changed, but something flipped basically overnight - when we first got started, I told my trainer “I’m really good at starting over, but I really want this to be the last time” and tbh it still feels like it could be.

I haven’t missed a single planned/scheduled workout since the day I got back from that trip, and I’ve enjoyed the process so much more this time around because it came from a place of actually just wanting to exercise (as opposed to my typical pattern of ‘hate self > must be smaller > deserve punishment > must eat less and move more’).

I also very intentionally did not diet at all, because I still have to work very hard at not spiraling when I try to ~get healthy~ and I am sick to death of dieting and burning out and being afraid of food and the scale.

So I decided to just focus on the one thing I was excited about, which was getting stronger. Which naturally led me to make some different food choices based on what my body was craving (and plenty of well-intentioned bullying from my coach when I wasn’t eating enough). I’ve just been having so much fun getting stronger that it started to feel like a shame not to at least try to get enough protein to actually let my muscles recover and grow.

So I headed off on this vacation 30 pounds lighter than the last, inches gone from my waist, hips, thighs, wedged comfortably into the middle seat between two strangers and not silently apologizing for my existence. Happier, stronger, more confident. A little nervous to get out of my routine, tbh, but I could also really tell my body could use a break.

And, for once, not at all worried about my diet or whether I’d gain weight; knowing I’ve been learning to trust myself and basically eating whatever I wanted anyway. I enjoyed good seafood and good ice cream, but never felt like I needed to over-indulge or overcompensate for indulging. I went for long walks on the beach because I wanted to, and sat on the porch when I decided I’d rather do that instead.

Out of sheer curiosity, I weighed myself this afternoon (something I would never have done in the past - early morning only, iykyk). And wouldn’t you know it? I weigh the same as the day I left. The number itself isn’t the victory - I would have been fine with being up a few because bodies will be bodies, and I guess that’s really what I’m proud of!

And I’m looking forward to being back on my bullshit tomorrow morning and seeing how this break plays out in my workouts this week. After I sleep A LOT tonight 😌

10 notes · View notes

rainyfestivalsweets · 9 months

Text

9/7/23

Big day today, have to get mom to town for an appointment with her lung doctor.

Not as much pain but God I need more sleep, I feel untested beside my best efforts.

And gosh, the idea to start a YouTube channel is hitting again and again. But I don't want to be one of those people who needs to regain to keep the channel going, you know? I see that alot.

Made it to work and watching a Biggest Loser expose. I used to watch that show. I actually loved that show because it gave me hope.

I have always been an avid exerciser. Even at my fattest I was going to the gym often.

However it is really scary to see that 5 out of 6 contestants had regained the weight.

As a person who topped the scales at over 300 pounds as a woman- It is scary. Am I going through this whole process to inevitably gain all the weight back?

And here is my evaluation. The Biggest Loser lost because it did not create a lifestyle, it leaned more towards an "all or nothing" mentality. They were working out 5-8 hours a day....who has time for that in real life?? It was unsustainable! It also creates the idea 💡 that... if you don't have at least 5 hours to workout, you shouldn't even bother.

Which isn't true, really. If you are moving from a sedentary lifestyle, every minute counts. Every minute either on your feet or walking counts. It makes a difference, especially considering at a certain point of weight, standing hurts. Walking HURTS.

Do you need 8 hours to workout? No.

But how about a 20 minute daily walk? 🤔

This really does need to be a lifestyle, no matter how many "dietista" tags I use, LOL. You need to build a life that you love & enjoy and I feel like I am doing that.

The other point to note about The Biggest Loser is that the contestants obviously needed more of a reverse diet, to rebuild their metabolisms after the show.

My plan is to use a controlled reverse diet when I am at my goal weight so that I will eventually be able to eat more and still maintain my weight loss. My suggestion is to google how bodybuilders do it if you want to learn how... it is basically a process where you slowly add calories back in to find your maintenance level, and keep working out, weights especially, to eventually increase your muscle mass.

The trainers on the show likely knew how to do that so I don't know why they left their contestants unsupported. Maybe they tried & failed, idk. Maybe there needed to be a ranch after the ranch, haha.

I am only halfway thru my journey, I need to make sure I don't get discouraged by stuff like this.

Can I go back to the way I used to be? Sure. But that will mean I will be going back to the life I aimed to leave behind. What have I had to change? Everything, it seems!

Diets don't work.

Lifestyles do. Build the life you want.

Stay safe, lovelies. Slow and steady. You got this.

14 notes · View notes

fitgothgirl · 3 months

Text

I keep not updating because it's just felt like more and more of a weight the longer I go since the stuff I'd update about just keeps accumulating/progressing. But I'm just going to triage some things since updating on everything has apparently become a barrier lol.

Dealing with my four infections (quadfection?) is wrapping up soon; I've been on a total of five antibiotics for over three weeks straight, but I'm down to my last one and it finishes on Saturday. Been worried about how fucked my system is after all these since I've never been on antibiotics for this long, let alone five different ones (or even more than ONE), but I'm trying really hard to help out my gut microbiome. It's expensive but I've been having a kombucha basically everyday, and I've gotten some prebiotic sodas as well. Also I usually have a Greek yogurt everyday, and just am generally trying to eat well with lots of fiber and water.

Weight loss/fitness gains have been on pause during this, or technically even longer since the 10 days prior to all this was when I was in Costa Rica. Rest is good for all the fighting/healing my body has been doing with the quadfection though. When I got back I did lift a few times since I wanted to get back at it after the vacation and it was before the infections/antibiotics were getting piled on, but then I had a 2-week break from lifting until the day before yesterday. In between though I DID do a Zumba class, which was hard and I'm sure I looked like a fool but it was fun haha (gotta start somewhere!). The class was later in the evening so even though Zumba is popular, there were maybe only 10 people in that class, if that, so that was nice. I always need more cardio and just generally want to incorporate more complex/dynamic movement in my workouts because solely lifting can be kinda like tunnel vision for your muscles. I want more "real" movement, stuff you actually do in life, stuff that uses multiple body areas, etc.

Anyway, not feeling down on myself about the break or anything, my body needs it and it's been good to reassess things now that I've been a Gym Person for over 6 months. A little shake up might be good as I get back into things soon here. Even with the break, I've been trying to at least get in walks; I haven't been successful with my step goal most days and walking is just so good for everything... We're at the time of year where the season changes from day-to-day lol so when it's been nicer out I've been trying to jump on those days (rain is back now through the weekend though).

One thing I didn't even plan to work on but have just naturally fallen into since coming home is my sleep hygiene. Since Costa Rica is 2 hours ahead of my time zone, not only did I lose a couple hours of sleep, but everyday we were up somewhat early on top of that. And so when we got home, I woke up earlier than usual before work (i.e. not one minute before I'm supposed to log on lol), and I've just been keeping it going since then. I don't start work until 8:30am and I've now been waking up anywhere from 7am-8am. This is crazy for me since I've never been even close to a morning person, but the vacation gave me a bit of a leg up and I've just been riding the wave. I'm really enjoying the calm start before work, and going out and getting some morning sunlight in my backyard at least for a few minutes (Andrew Huberman fan here lol). I've even done some little dynamic warm-ups while getting that morning sun, like knee raises, jumping jacks, arm circles, etc. And all this sleep hygiene stuff means I've been going to bed earlier too.

Yesterday was really nice so I got out for a walk. The last year or so, I haven't been taking pictures as much on walks/hikes, mainly due to just trying to be in the moment. But I don't want to never take pictures again lol so yesterday I made a point to take a few. It's the wonderful time of year where everything is green and it makes me feel like we're in Scotland or something haha; albeit a nice summer day if it were Scotland. It's normal for Californian hills/fields to be "golden" for like 9 months of the year and it's even a symbol of the state, but I just love the green. 🥲 But yeah I specifically thought "I'm going to take pics to share with my fellow tumblerinas" so I was thinking of you guys when I took these. 😆😋

Bottom left is a plane-shaped kite and his idol, a real plane 🥺 lol

#mine #spring green

6 notes · View notes

m3lting0ffth3b0nez · 11 months

Text

finally decided to make an actual account instead of just lurking, so here's a very basic intro post ig

Stats:

height: 5'3

BMI: 21.2

hw: 135 lbs

cw: 119.8 lbs

lw: 102 lbs

ugw: 95 lbs

I've had an on and off ed for about 6 years now, and recently relapsed due to birth control related weight gain. im not new to edblur whatsoever, but i have seen a lot of ppl from twitter here recently lol. i will be posting about the things i eat, weight loss, and other ed related things.

i am 100% pro recovery, DNI with this blog unless you already have an active ed and aren't planning on recovery. i am on this god forsaken app to be sick with my other sick bitches 🤙

#mealspo #anaorexya #ana #thinspo #ana dairy #tw ana fast #ana meal #th1n$po #thinspø #thin$po #i wanna be skinnier #skinnyyy #anamia

2 notes · View notes

lucysweatslove · 2 years

Text

I’m gonna be talking about weight, body image, disordered eating, health and medical anxiety, generally triggering things so I’m putting it under a read more. It’s really just a ramble and nothing worth reading- a brain dump for me more than anything else. For those who don’t want to read more but want to just know- I’m doing okay but life has had other plans and I may have something actually wrong health-wise which has been triggering for me.

So, way back in 2018 I gained like 30 lbs in 2 months (mid October to mid December). I was devastated. I had already gained 20-25 lbs or so during actual recovery from my disordered eating which I was doing on my own/without support, so I was really struggling. I was so ashamed of the weight gain and how I looked that I didn’t want to see my PCP (note: she was an NP, but that doesn’t impact what I think of her- I didn’t want to see her because of my own shame and thinking I should just be able to manage my weight on my own). So here I was sitting around 180-185 lbs and for the first time in my life actually obese, not sure how to cope. I was confused about how I could’ve gained that much so quickly- I didn’t buy Halloween candy that year, gained the weight before Christmas, and didn’t do thanksgiving festivities even. My eating habits hadn’t seemed to change, and there was no way I was suddenly that much less active. But still I blamed myself.

Not even a month later I started a new job and also decided I wanted to try to diet again because I hated my body’s new “fat” appearance. Except I was worried about calorie counting being triggering. I was newly married and planning our actual wedding, so while I wanted to be “shedding for the wedding” (VOMIT) I also didn’t want to go back to Hell aka rigid restrictive eating that would drive wedges in all of my relationships. I tried going back to the gym and eating a lot of chicken breast and veggies, thinking if I restricted TYPES of food I would be fine. LOL NOPE. I tried keto thinking it would be a way to not fixate on calories… this was unsustainable because I just didn’t have enough options and I LOVE LOVE LOVE fruit. Each attempt at whatever I did was met with initial weight loss and then extreme hunger, a big trip, some outing, my actual wedding, which would kick me out of that mindset and I’d gain it all back. At one point I thought it was my antidepressant (since it made it hard to care about anything), so I went off of that, had a bad reaction to another one, and then essentially didn’t have a medication for months. Including on my wedding.

By the end of 2019 I was essentially that same 180ish lbs, and I had decided I needed to “get my life back.” I got on a new antidepressant shortly after an illness, and I realized I was sitting on my hands waiting for somebody to give me permission to apply to med school. So I decided to face my insecurity regarding my “downward trend” (due to health reasons) in undergrad by… going to grad school. I applied in early 2020. I started to go back to the gym, count calories, I really thought it would be fine since I didn’t have fear foods anymore and felt “basically recovered.” Like, calories were the less extreme option because it gave room for me to eat all the foods I love.

And then I started getting back spasms, and the fevers started, and I started and graduated grad school, and then my husband needed new hips, and I got a new job, and littered in all of that were attempts to just mindfully eat more produce and love my body more. At one point in grad school, I admit to buying really low calorie dehydrated food packs to “make the most of my winter break” but it was absolutely MISERABLE to eat those and it got super cold and I just said nope, not going back. Throughout that time, I just thought that I was fat now, and that’s all anybody would see. I honestly doubted that my disordered eating was ever problematic MULTIPLE times because… I’m fat now? That’s literally it, that’s the whole reason I started to invalidate my own experience. School and work and health issues had really decreased my activity and focus on health and nutrition, I felt awful in my body physically, and I had no idea how to make any kind of actual healthy change because up until this point, and even at this point, I only knew “health and wellness” in two contexts: disease process and medicine, and dieting and exercise for “weight control.” Nobody I knew actually ate balanced diets if they weren’t actively trying to become or stay thin- it wasn’t “normal” or “natural.” Exercise? Same story except for actual athletes, but even those that I knew talked about weight control all the time.

Fast forward to 2022. I came into the new year feeling like I needed to make a change because of how I felt, but my husband and I were in counseling and I knew a major sticky point for us was my lack of going to med school. I think my desire to “make a change” was in large part about control because I didn’t feel like I had control over med school. I was CONVINCED in my mind that me being fat now made me a lesser candidate. I might get an interview, but I’d be judged on how fat I was and would instantly have a bias over me. I was tempted- truly- to drop to 800-900 calories a day with 2-3 hours of exercise and try to shed weight quickly. But I kept up searching for body positive and HAES content. I reminded myself of all I spoke on in my sports nutrition class- health has far less to do with our weight and size than our habits. At this point, I felt really good about body positivity. I made my focus on activities I love doing, getting good MICROnutrients (no deficiencies here), etc. This is when I “came back” to tumblr in early 2022.

I then started to feel the same way I did before- it was, once again, becoming a bit of an obsession, and my body was fatiguing. My heart quite literally felt off, and I was dizzy all the time. I thought maybe with everything, I was taking in too much potassium and a higher activity level. I gave my body time to rest and… I just stopped doing the things. Work got busy. I signed up to retake the MCATs. I got COVID.

Honestly at the end of Covid I was back to around 175lbs. I was feeling okay about that- it’s still “fat” but I was happy to be feeling healthier and I could FINALLY start studying. After my first COVID day where I had an episode of intense muscle pain where I could not move, I was totally fine with my weight. While I was starting to study, though, I noticed my blood pressure was low and I was still feeling kinda meh. I was hardly hungry, and my bathroom habits changed. I wasn’t too upset with this, since it meant I could study for longer at a time without getting distracted by bathroom trips, and I figured my high stress levels were playing a role by essentially halting that “rest and digest” I should’ve been in for way too long.

After I finished the test, my stress seemed to reduce, but my heath stuff didn’t. I had a week off work and decided I wanted to start hiking again, see waterfalls, etc. And so I did. While I loved it, I kept feeling really dizzy all the time. I focused on getting more salt in my diet and making sure I was eating some carbs before and after the trial. My appetite improved, but my GI tract still felt sluggish. Often, I would feel actually hungry, but I’d also feel like my stomach was way too full. My reflux was really bad at this time, and that also made my nasal issues worse. My sleep suffered a ton, and I would spent 11 hours in bed because it would take me 3 just to fall asleep. I also noticed my lower stomach had fresh new red stretch marks.

At this point now, now only can I barely breathe out my nose most of the time, but my nose is bleeding often (just slight, small bleeds- no dripping really). I’ve tried PPIs and H2 agonists to help with the reflux. Honestly, as gross as this sounds, the only thing that helps is actually going to the bathroom? But usually when I go, it doesn’t all feel “out.” I’ve taken two laxative doses in the past couple of months to get some longer lasting relief. I visited my sister for a week (got back a week ago), and while down there, I realized my shorts that I bought to fit me last summer felt tight in the tummy. I thought it must be constipation or something similar, or heat edema, but it still was not fun to feel that “fat.” Also, I realized my 34G bras were getting tight, even on the band size, so that was extra weird. Even my sports bras weren’t fitting right. Usually a band in a L is too loose but I put up with it to fit my breasts, but between July to now, the bands starting getting tighter. Which means gain.

I weighed myself this morning at 195.8 lbs. literally the heaviest I have ever been. Up 20 lbs in the 2 months post-COVID, and that’s with me hiking more AND I started physical therapy for my back. Husband was confused and said something seemed wrong- because that’s a lot of weight to gain and he hasn’t seen me eat THAT much. He encouraged me to talk to my doctor, but I’m still convinced all they will say is that CLEARLY I’m lying about my intake and tell me to track calories and try to lose weight.

I’m also going to a water park this weekend, so I tried on my bathing suits, and none fit in a way I’d be comfortable with. A couple bottoms fit, but I realized all my tops didn’t- none of them have cups big enough to cover up my nipples in a secure enough manner, so I’d be constantly worried about “wardrobe malfunctions.”

I’m having kind of a hard time with all of this, but I’m trying right now to make sure I have clothes that fit my current body first. My mantra rn is “I deserve clothes that fit my body right now.” So I bought a size up in the shorts I bought last summer- I hope that will work. I also ordered 6 new tops in bra sizes, instead of the normal S/M/L/XL sizes, because I need them to actually fit. I got 3 tops in 2 different sizes after measuring- 36 bands and, because I’m kind of worried about how that will fit since there aren’t the 3 rows of hooks and too tight is far more noticeable than too loose, 38 bands too, just in case. I’m just praying that one size will fit me, and then I’ll return the ones in the other size since they were expensive.

Other than the new clothes for the water park, I feel a bit at a loss. On one hand I physically feel somewhat unwell quite often, and I’ve ran through the lists of potential culprits from anything from something as benign as stress to something as serious as a Cushing’s syndrome (such as from an ACTH-releasing tumor). Part of me is also terrified I may have diabetes now, even though I’ve never had any signs of pre-diabetes before now, but I’m thinking possible PCOS which can lead to insulin resistance. The obvious answer is “talk to my PCP,” and in general my PCP now is great, but I have an appointment in October and really don’t want to have any “preventable” disease and I feel like I need to be “doing all the right things” prior to seeing her anyway. And I’m scared, too, that when she suggests things like dieting, I will just burst into tears because the idea of what that means is… I guess invalidating to me.

Here’s the reality: finding yourself obese after eating disorder recovery is tricky enough as is. If I bring up the fact that I have struggled with my relationship with food and exercise, people automatically assume that I binge eat and just DON’T exercise/have never had the “discipline” to make myself exercise even if I don’t like it. They treat me like a liar when I clarify. When I bring up the couple periods of rapid weight gain with people who know and understand my history, I’m still told that I probably just didn’t realize how much I ate because I wasn’t actively tracking my calories and weighing my food. I’m constantly told maybe I just don’t have the willpower or discipline other people have, and I need to cultivate that, but that’s not a problem- the problem is I will take that “willpower” or “discipline” to a level that leaves me and the people around me absolutely miserable.

When I was thinner- “healthy weight” with a BMI around 21- nobody said those things to me. My mom not included (as she will find some way to criticize my appearance), I was never told my heath problems were BECAUSE of my body, or that if I gained 5 lbs over a couple weeks it was because of my eating habits (“oh I’m sure it’s just water weight from extra salt”) and that I was CLEARLY lying about my intake. And I was never told I needed to go on a very low calorie diet and exercise more if I complained about constipation.

Idk I feel like I have to do so much more for people to even consider that something might be wrong with my health other than being fat, and often what I have to do is really psychologically damaging, and nobody wants to admit that.

#lucy rambles #trigger warning #calories #weight #obesity #bias #eating disorder #btw no I’m not pregnant I’m literally bleeding right now #also I am on bc to regulate heavy periods and my husband has had a vasectomy

7 notes · View notes

femmesandhoney · 2 years

Note

i can kinda understand why same sex couples (males mostly because they can’t carry) might not like the surrogacy process/aftermath because of they cannot have kids of their own naturally so they might feel like they “missed out”, but that doesn’t excuse them refusing to acknowledge the biological reality of how babies are made. even if they ignore the fact that they rented a womb, eventually the kids will know how they came to be. you can’t just ignore everything and explain the birds and the bees on the kids wedding day. the one thing i will never understand is same sex couples (again mostly males) who think that because they’re renting a womb they’re experiencing pregnancy/childbirth. you can shop for cribs and onesies and raise a child, but you won’t be growing another human for 9 months and you’ll never actually understand the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. women gain weight because they’re growing another human inside of them, males gain weight because they eat like shit and don’t exercise regularly, it’s not the same.

well what really made this wholly evident about the misogyny behind it was that my uncles literally excommunicated my aunt for just. asking a bit insistently how they plan to explain to the kids about their mom. because they will ask. they will go to elementary and realize they don't have a mom and wonder why because kids are curious. like its not meant to be a mean question, but again my aunts have gone thru raising kids. all their kids are 18+ now. they know exactly what kinda questions little kids will ask. and they got upset and defensive they basically banned her from their life and have never let the kids meet her. it blew my mind.

i also felt horrible because i realized this last few months my aunt thought i agreed with my uncles doing that, but i actually never realized why they excommunicated her so i never said anything about it. no one told me and hearing my aunt explain the situation a few months ago had my jaw on the ground. after i agreed with her it was obviously misogyny, she sent me a friend request on facebook (lol) that made me realize she thought the entire family was on my uncles side! i was like no wonder she thinks everyone hates her and my cousin.

but really, being a gay man gives no man an excuse for misogyny. like thats just where the line comes down. i love my family and understand deeply my uncles struggles that he went thru growing up in a homophobic society but like these things dont cancel out the other ya know.

6 notes · View notes

neverluckygoldfish · 7 months

Text

28 -

Well, I feel like shit. Or rather, I feel really apathetic and hopeless and frustrated.

My close friend (my maid of honor) told me she doesn’t want to be part of the wedding or attend it. She’s ghosted me since the “ rock bottom weekend that I can’t talk about”. I’ve tried to open up the door for conversation so she can share with me how she felt and she can be heard, but she hasn’t let it budge an inch. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised - not everyone is entitled to forgive. People can say “that’s your shit, I see it & am proud of you for owning it but I want no part”. I have to respect others where they are at.

I guess I hate that she feels badly (or whatever she feels because truly she hasn’t told me) and that I had a hand in it. Frustrated that I can’t fix it. Guilt that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough in our relationship to have a conversation about it. Hurt that she doesn’t think having a conversation is worth it. I hate that she cared about me - that she put time, effort, and money into planning a weekend for me - and me/the situation made her regret it.

And also I feel irritated and angry that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I like to think I’m a pretty understanding person. What the fuck? Why are people so quick to write someone off and not even let them know the why.

Sounding like a true woe-is-me addict here when I say that but hey, this is my safe space for honesty.

So trying to process that. While still trying to remember to eat, drink water, sleep, not isolate. The LAST fucking thing I want to do right now is go to a meeting. But I’m going and I told a few people so they’d hold my ass accountable.

I’m struggling to remember the basics lately and it’s making me feel pessimistic.

Also, I fell asleep on my arm in a weird position and now it hurts.

I feel tempted to erase any record of me and just start over. But then I feel a sense of “but what if it turns out that no one actually cares?”.

Everyone is about as wrapped up in their head as I am. No one does care. It’s a good thing actually, takes away the spotlight effect. But it’s a bad thing, because it feels like I don’t matter. And if I don’t matter, then what’s the fucking point?

Some positivity in an effort to convince the rude voice in my head that the world isn’t ending, people don’t always leave, I’m a good person even if I don’t get it right every time, that there is a greater point and purpose to it all, that I will find self-assurance and happiness:

Still sober! Day 64.

I did opposite action today from DBT. Instead of isolating and avoiding, I shared my feelings. Now I’m going to this meeting I don’t want to go to.

I checked in with my body: took a shower, drank some water, ate some food (read: NOT candy lol)

My mom said she sees me as my own person now and respects that I make my own choices. That she’s proud of me.

Even though I have one friend who isn’t a fan of me, I have at least 5 other ones who are rooting for me.

My dog loves me and still follows me around even though I got really mad at her and made her feel bad.

I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have enough clothes that I can choose my outfit for the day. I have socks.

Ok so vanity - my acne is pretty much gone & my skin looks great!! The pigmentation is fading.

I’m employable.

We got a beautiful apartment with floor to ceiling windows. I’m moving to a city I have always dreamed of moving to.

I get the opportunity to start over.

I’ve gained some weight and my body isn’t a skeleton any more. I don’t get vertigo every time I stand up.

I can talk myself through a craving until it passes.

I am self-aware. I am kind. I am trying to be a better person every single day. It could be worse right?

Well. That’s where I’m at. Hopefully it gets better.

Each day a little better and brighter except I really don’t feel that shit today and I’m just saying it because I have some hope it’ll work.

#self love #healing #recovery #mental health #sobriety #healing journey #addiction recovery #depression recovery #alcoholism #spiritual growth #self compassion #drug and alcohol addiction #drug addiction #drug abuse #recovering addict

0 notes

cinnamonest · 3 years

Text

Since people actually liked it here's the continuation of the modern Xiao camgirl!darling post I cut from the original, as promised, most if it's under a cut. Here’s the original post. I didn’t think people would actually like the camgirl concept so I thought I was rambling too much and cut this part out lol but here it is now!

Tws: derogatory language/female slurs, mentions of reader being a cheater, reader is promiscuous, murder, incel-y mentality (our modern boy would be a 4chan user, look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong) and mentions of upsetting realistic things, this one's darker than the first part. If you're bothered by other modern stuff for being too realistic best avoid this too probably, involuntary pornography ---------- Coming up on one year since you gained your most loyal subscriber, you get a rather... Unsettling request. He has something he would like this month, in fact, he adds a few hundred to the regular amount (he's been saving up just for this) and asks for just the answer to one simple question. What's your name?

Your real name, he clarifies. He doesn't need a last name, nothing like that. It would just... Make him feel closer to you. He avoids using the term "anniversary," even though that's what comes to mind. He also doesn't tell you that he already knows, that this is just a test of your honesty. For someone who's so cautious, you would think you would think to give a fake name whenever you go to coffee shops for them to yell out, or change it on the packages you get. You hesitate. And it would be easy to give him a fake one, yet, you don't really think about it too much, you kinda think about that as an afterthought, what you should have done, but your very real name is typed out and sent before you really process it, and you feel a sort of unease, but it's already sent. No big deal. He can't do much with just your first name, right? If your name is common, you feel pretty safe, but even if it's a rarer one, surely there are other people with it, right? He's happy though. Kinda surprised, really, that you didn't lie to him. Maybe you trust him?

You're not stupid, you know something is wrong, you're becoming paranoid. And you connect the weird feeling to him, bc he goes radio silence for several days leading up to finally taking you. This dude who used to respond to any messages you sent within 10 seconds suddenly... It's like he disappeared? He hasn't responded to anything you send him ever since you said your name. You send him messages saying you haven't heard from him in a while and you're worried... The way you word it makes it sound like you're worried about him, but you both know that's not what you really mean. You're hesitant and suspicious of every guy you meet. You buy pepper spray and start carrying some around, you nearly spray a poor guy who you thought was trailing you, turns out he just lives in your building. He makes note of it. He watched you buy it, and is quick to realize you always hold it in the same hand. That must be your dominant hand, that's an important mental note for the future, since you're more likely to try to attack him with that hand. He'll remember. He has a note in his phone with information like that. Height, weight, birthday, social security number, parents' names, school she graduated from. All in little bullet points. He adds dominant hand to the list. He's not worried at all really. Already watched you struggle to carry packages he could lift with one hand, your strength doesn't cross his mind as a threat. At first he just doesn't know what to say, and that's why he stops responding, he feels too awkward but... He starts to enjoy the weird feeling of power the whole situation is giving him. You're worried, you're constantly paranoid, and it's because of him. Now you finally understand the same feeling you inflict on him, how you consume his thoughts every waking moment of every day. It used to irritate him that you held so much power over him, while he meant nothing to you. Now, the tables have turned. You're forced to have him constantly in your mind, whether you like it or not, just like you are in his. It's giving you what you deserve. It gives him a feeling of significance. He matters, even if it's not in a good way. And he keeps telling himself that once he's all you have, he'll matter even more. He's smart enough to realize that if you're paranoid, you might have mentioned him by username to someone else, so to ensure he knows what to do from this point, he has to sneak into your apartment at night as you sleep. It's so unbearably tempting, you have no idea -- you're right there and so vulnerable. He has to hold himself back because he knows that if he so much as touched you, he couldn't hold back. But it's torture, standing there so close, watching your chest rise and fall as he fiddles with the phone. Even when he unlocks it with your thumb, he tries to hold the phone from an angle to do so, even if the skin of his hand grazes yours, it would be too much. You have a lot of contacts across your messages and a bunch of different apps. You have one guy in your online chat you've exchanged far more messages with than anyone else! Hundreds upon hundreds of messages, and huge paypal cash drops, who the hell is -- oh, wait, that's him. Nevermind. But, to his pleasant surprise, he's the only one of your... customers that you regularly talk to, the rest just have a few paypal notifications or clarifications on your policies, but no actual conversations like you have with him. Of course, that's literally part of your deal, he's literally paying for it, but it makes him happy nonetheless. But as he goes through your personal messages, he finds that you are... in no shortage of options. Like, holy shit. It was kind of expected. You *are* really pretty, that's how you have so many followers after all, but this is a lot. So many contacts named some variation of "DO NOT ANSWER!!!" or "creepy guy that forced me to give him my number at the club", etc etc. Plenty of unsaved numbers texting you to never get a response. You've ghosted enough dudes to make your place haunted. It's... kinda awful, really. It also kinda hurts his heart a bit more than he expected. You have so, so, so many options, even without the cam thing, he's more insignificant than he even realized. ...Well, for now, at least. He'll be significant to you soon enough. And then you seem to have a sort of "boyfriend of the month" deal going on, aside from that. Plenty of male-name contacts whose last exchange is a "don't talk to me again!" message from you, plenty of messages corresponding to the same time as those to your girl friends about how you can't find a good guy and every relationship ends badly. How unfortunate. See, it's because you choose bad guys. You probably go for dicks and not.... well, he can't exactly pull the "nice guys like me" mentality, he doesn't delude himself into thinking he is one. He's lucid enough to realize that most nice guys would not be sneaking into your house and standing over your sleeping body to stalk your phone as they make plans to kidnap you. He knows he would probably fall under the classification of a creepy guy. He's just too far gone to care. Still, he would be so much better to you, he tells himself, not a cheater or a player like you complain about. To say he resents those kinds of guys -- ones that can do the unthinkable and actually talk to girls, let alone successfully, only to be assholes, and yet girls like you still go for them -- is an understatement. You're basically just a slut, you probably ignore all the guys that would be nice to you, just like all those internet forums he reads talk about. Typical.

Well, those forums also make fun of guys like him who pay for girls like you, but he can't blame them. It *is* kinda pathetic. There is one dude you talk to, though, now. Current boyfriend of the month, from the looks of it. You have a little heart emoji next to the name. He knows it's kinda pathetic that something so simple and insignificant sets him off, but it does, makes him pout and grind his teeth and curl his other hand into a fist. It's so unfair. Some dude you barely know gets to fuck you, and you haven't even known him nearly as long as you've known him! He doubts this dude -- hell, any of your boyfriends -- has put in the same amount of money that he has into you. They fuck you practically for free. And that, unfortunately for you, only solidifies his decision. If you're fucking some dude for a month because they buy you dinner every now and then, if we're going by that scale, then you owe him quite a good deal of pussy. Any hesitancy or guilt he had about the whole thing is gone. And he's a little mad. Keeps grumbling to himself that you're just a loose whore, fucking so many people and putting yourself out there on the internet. He wonders if they even know about what you do. Probably not, you probably don't tell them. Yeah, that sounds like what you'd do. Really, you're kinda lucky that someone like him is so willing to commit to you, since you are a slut. You don't deserve it, but he loves you anyway. And you'll probably have the nerve to be ungrateful for it too. Sigh. On the bright side, by some miracle, it would appear that you have not told any real-life people about him, you haven't sent out any hey if I disappear you should probably look into this creep type of messages. But he can't afford to have you doing so in between now and when you move in with him, so, he decides he has to act within the next 24 hours. While he's here, though, he decides to do a quick sweep of your place. Makes note of what snacks and drinks you like, what brand of toothpaste and shampoo and the like you use, so he can buy some for you. Maybe you'll adjust better if you have some of your favorite things. And then, after days of silence, he sends you a message, says it's fine, his internet went out for a few days. He means it to reassure you, but somehow it makes you feel more uneasy. He has everything planned out, or so he thinks. But you deviate from your usual schedule. When you leave work or class, you don't go home, you go somewhere else, first. How strange. Maybe picking up groceries? He follows from a distance. No, looks like you're going out to eat...? Maybe you're meeting friends or family or -- no that's a guy. Fuck. You must have planned this just earlier today, since there were no messages on your phone. It makes a bitter feeling rise in his gut. He hates that he can't get close enough to listen to your conversation. Well, he hates the whole thing, sits there and seethes the whole time. Watches you through the windows in the parking lot, thankfully you chose to sit outside. Feels his eye twitch and his hand clench every time you smile and laugh. It takes way too long. The fact that you split the bill feels like a punch to the stomach too. Shouldn't you be used to taking guys' money? Oh, and what's this...? This guy isn't the picture on boyfriend-of-the-month's contact. Well, well, well. You really are a whore. See, it's a very good thing he's taking you off the market. You're probably a reckless heartbreaker too. He's doing all the other men of the world a favor by taking on such a burden as you. And it makes him feel far more justified in keeping you locked away, since he has every reason to believe, now, that you'd run off and fuck someone else if given the chance. Halfway through, the guy briefly gets up and runs to the bathroom or something. While he's gone, he sees your face fall a bit. And then he sees you look around. You turn your head from one side to the other. Your eyes scan the area. You shuffle uncomfortably and you bite your lip and your eyebrows furrow. You're scared. You feel like -- no, you know you're being watched and it scares you. That makes him a little happy, for some reason. He wouldn't be sure what to do if you went home with the guy, but thankfully you don't. No big deal, this was just a bump in the road, he still beats you back to your building and he still goes through with the original plan. Even better, now that it's even darker outside. If anything, now he's got extra aggression and testosterone in his blood, running over the events in his head and going through some... very forceful and violent fantasies. The message he sent had you uneasy, and it's also how you immediately know what's going on when it does finally happen. You keep telling yourself you're being unnecessarily paranoid, that it's nothing, maybe that guy actually got his life together or got a girlfriend or something. Things like... What you fear, don't happen in real life, that's stuff that only happens in movies and stuff. You keep calling it that or it in your head. That won't happen to you. It's not going to happen. The series of events that play out in your head, scenarios you try to push out of your mind. Sure, in the movies it always takes place in the stairwell, but that's fiction, so you go up the apartment stairwell as always. You're not gonna let a bunch of B-grade old films scare you. And it's always some dude standing and waiting, but that nice young boy that you've never seen before is just leaning against the wall, scrolling on his phone, he only glances up for a second as you pass by, he's not a threat, you're being paranoid. You flash a smile and a little wave as you walk by, he doesn't return either, just looks back down at his phone. See? This guy doesn't even care, you're being paranoid for nothing, you tell yourself. But as you make the turn to go up the next set of stairs you hear the click of a phone being put on the lockscreen, a few metallic footsteps ringing out in the open hall and echoing, coming up right behind you, but for that split second you expect a tap on the shoulder, maybe he has a question, it's not like movies, it's not like movies, you're not gonna get a cloth shoved over your face and--- Well, it's not exactly like the movies. You were prepared, but it all happens in one motion - one hand grabs the hand with the spray and twists it, making you drop it, the other wraps some material over your mouth. You were prepared enough that you don't gasp in surprise, you hold your breath and thrash, but it doesn't make any difference, you wiggle and writhe for a few moments but can't even begin to break free, eventually succumb to the lack of oxygen and take a deep breath. It takes a few seconds to settle in, it's not so immediate. You instinctively panic and thrash again, but he has a complete iron grip. The dizziness takes a second to set in. He huffs a bit in frustration and says stop moving, it's fine. It's definitely not, but it occurs to you that that's not something a kidnapper looking for any potential vulnerable girl says. It's a poor attempt at comfort. It's someone specifically looking for you. And if that wasn't enough, he says your name. Your very real name. Maybe it was a mistake to tell him after all. But the worst part of it all is that there's not a single doubt in your mind, even in your panic you have the realization, it's definitely him and this is literally exactly what you were afraid of. And it's the last thing that goes through your head. And once he's got you out cold he just takes a sigh of relief. He may have been very neutral faced to you, but in reality he was incredibly nervous. He hasn't exactly made or used chloroform before, our boy is operating on YouTube tutorials here. He's got adrenaline pumping through his veins and carries you with his arms trembling. He's on autopilot carrying you out, but his mind is also consumed by holy fuck I'm touching her she smells so nice she's so warm her face is so close I'm actually touching her-- you get the idea. He feels bad about taping your hands and feet together and putting you in the trunk of his car, kinda. It feels too much like what a really bad person would do to a girl they didn't care about, like he's a trafficker or a murderer or a criminal or something, but that's not true at all. Sure, he's still mad at you for being a whore and all that, but it feels improper, he just has no choice. It's late at night, but he can't risk getting pulled or being at a stoplight and someone seeing an unconscious girl in his backseat, so, trunk it is. But once he's home, to his tiny little downtown apartment (he'll probably be able to move into a better place soon, since he's not paying you tons of money anymore), he takes a quick check to make sure the coast is clear, and drags you out, up the stairs, all the way into his apartment, sets you down on the bed, where you'll be staying. He even washed the sheets and cleaned the place up a bit for your arrival. You probably would not like to see what this place looked like before the five trash bags worth of cleaning was done. He'll probably be more motivated in the future, though, since now he won't be so depressed all the time. And then the adrenaline of the fear of being seen is over, and that's when it sets in that this is real. It's very, very hard to hold back. You're real, in the flesh, he can reach out and touch you with his hands! It feels like a dream. And he realizes he can take this opportunity to do things he would be far, far too embarrassed to do when you're awake. He takes a few minutes to do just that, cautiously reaches out to poke your face, and then run a hand down your neck, your skin is so soft! Your hair smells so nice, he lays down beside you and runs his fingers over it. Puts hands on your body and just lays there in awe of the fact that you're real. He's pretty certain he's never actually touched a human female before now. Everything about you feels soft. Weirdly feminine, which is something very foreign and confusing to him. And he kinda uh... Loses it. Goes buckwild with just taking in every aspect of you. Again, since you're unconscious he can be gross and entirely shameless about it. Peels your clothes off and runs his hands and mouth over every inch of flesh, takes the tape off your lips and presses his tongue into your limp mouth until he's forced to let go to breathe, fingers you and tonguefucks you and sucks on your nipples and your neck. Lays pressed against you and just breathes in your scent. It takes every ounce of self control he has not to fuck you already. But he does jerk off a few times. That way he'll last longer, so it's a win-win. And then... you twitch. Tape goes back over your mouth. And then, you twitch again. And this time, you make a little "mm!" under the tape, you start trembling and he sees you try to pull your hands apart. You whimper. It sounds scared and distressed. He feels kinda bad, but it also makes him hard, and that outweighs any guilt by far. Besides, it's what you deserve after what you did earlier. You tortured him mentally, it's only fair. On the good side of things, you suppose, you don't have to worry about the usual fears one would have over such a situation - you're fairly certain he's not going to kill you, nor sell you. In fact, the bed you wake up on is pretty soft. You're naked and the tape is uncomfortable, but... At least he was considerate enough to give you a blanket. He does care about you, after all. First thing he says is asking if you're awake. Can you hear me? You hesitate a moment, and then you nod. He's a bit new to this whole abduction thing. He wants to make sure he didn't pull a muscle or something with the tape. So... Do you hurt anywhere? Does your head hurt? Oh, right, the tape. He's not stupid either. You have to promise you're not going to scream. In fact, he's angry enough about earlier that he gets a bit meaner than he originally told himself he'd be. If you scream, I'll make you regret it. Understand? You nod, so he takes it off, holding it close in preparation in case you were lying, but you don't actually answer him, you're silent again for a minute, then just ask a question of your own. You're that guy, right? He's silent for a few seconds, there's no need for any clarification. Finally just says yeah. You just breathe again. Silently. Finally you summon the courage to ask him what he wants with you. And why are you doing this to me? And his answer is fairly simple. What do you think? You don't say anything for a minute, and neither does he. He's not good with words, and you don't really have ones for this situation. It occurs to you that offering to pay him to let you go is probably not the solution. After all, this is the guy that's dumped unimaginable amounts of money onto you, you couldn't even come close to paying him back. You figure maybe, after he gets what he wants... well, you get the courage to ask. Is there anything... that I can do o-or... anything that will make you... are you gonna let me go, after you....? And the answer is, again, simple, but the one you did not want to hear. No. He's a blunt boy, so he doesn't beat around the bush, but he doesn't torment you by keeping anything from you. In fact, he's already rehearsed this speech a few hundred times in his head. He just wanted to make sure he's very clear so there's no misunderstanding, and while he likes some discomfort in a vengeful sort of way, he doesn't want you to be too freaked out to where you have a panic attack. He says he's just going to... keep you here. He has the things you'll need. He got your purse with your keys, so he'll even run to your apartment after this to go get some of your stuff. You don't need to tell him which number, he adds, he already knows which apartment you're in. He needs you here, he says. And he makes sure to add that it's your fault. If you were never out there selling yourself in the first place, this never would have happened. If you're good, he can make things a bit better for you. But you need to go ahead and accept that you're going to be staying and that no amount of begging or offers is going to convince him to let you go. He can be nice to you, he promises. A better boyfriend than the others. You just have to be a good girlfriend -- you know, obedient and sweet and do what he says. Just like you always were when you talked to him. Just keep being sweet like that and doing the things he tells you to do. You would argue that the terms boyfriend and girlfriend are not appropriate descriptors of the sort of relationship he's creating, but you keep that thought to yourself. Instead, you ask, How long are you going to keep me here? Which is a dumb question, since he's pretty sure he already made that clear. Forever. -----

There's a double homicide in the area. Takes place on the same night, and the same diameter of knife is used, so police believe maybe the two incidents are connected. Especially because they do have something in common, one girl. She was romantically involved with both of them. The girl in question's apartment has been vacated, very suddenly, and the girl has disappeared without a trace, taking things with her from the looks of it, so police believe she may be responsible, but other than that, they have no leads. A few weeks later, a video circulates all over the internet. Some famous camgirl finally started making porn, apparently. Just one video, but the description (which was totally written by her, it has to be since it's written in first person right?) says something about how she decided to quit camming, so this video marks the end of her career. She got into a relationship, so she says in the description, so she has to quit. It's roleplay porn, apparently, she's doing a good job at the acting. All tied up and gagged and getting fucked by some big-dicked guy holding the camera. He's silent, but she's making a ton of noise, cums several times. Really good acting, the fear and desperation in her eyes looks so real. Talk about going out with a bang. It gets a lot of likes. Tons of comments about how sad people are she's quitting. And of course, a lot of comments say, what a lucky guy.

#.camgirl

477 notes · View notes

jjkxlv · 3 years

Text

You're So Mean! (I)

↝Summary: You don't know that he felt that way about you :(

↝Genre: Fluff, angst, established relationship, rich!jk + rich!reader, famous!jk!reader,

↝Warnings: Mention of cheating, mention of being fat, reader was slightly insecure

Note: This is just a fictional story I made in my mind. You're beautiful no matter what size you are in! and please don't read this if it makes you uncomfortable.

Another note😭I didn't plan to make it into 2 parts but it came out longer that what i had planned in my mind lmao😭🤣but part 2 will be posted soon i guess😭🤣👍🏻ENJOY❤️

Part 2

The cafeteria was LOUD. There’s just so many things going on inside your mind and this loud ass people did not help one bit. To make the matter worst, this morning when you’re weighing yourself, you actually gain two kilos which makes your weight in total of 48kg. “I knew it would turn out like this yet I let it happened now I have to pay the price” you said to yourself. After all the take outs and fast food for dinner with Jungkook, there’s no way you’ll stay in your shape. Out of frustration, you slam your fist on the table gaining your friends attention.

“Hey what’s wrong, Y/n?” Your friend Minie asked you.

“Everything! Everything is wrong!” You said in a rather loud voice.

“Okay instead of yelling, would you tell us what’s going on inside that head of your” Your other friend Yuju said.

“Fine, first today I got up and I checked my weight this morning and you guys know what,,, I actually weight more than 45kg and not like this is my first time but it’s stressing me out.

“Damn Y/n, maybe you should go with THE diet again idk”

“Yeah you should, what if Jungkook dump you if you become fat. You don’t want that do you?”

“Yeah as if. He loves me too much to be doing that”

And the table become silent. But one thing you didn’t notice is that Yuju and Minie been making this ‘eye signal’ to one another. The silent was broke by Yuju suddenly clearing her throat.

“Actually y/n, speaking about Jungkook, we have something to tell you” Yuju said while coming closer to you and Minie did the same.

“What” you said with a stern voice not wanting to hear their baseless rumour about Jungkook. Yet again. You love them. Your best friends. But sometimes you don’t think you should believe everything they said. You’re the one who is dating Jungkook. You’re the one who know Jumgkook more than anyone in this campus.

“My people said they saw this new girl talking to Jungkook and she was all over him. What a whore. And you know what, they said Jungkook was the one who approached her first”

“Should I be concern or something? I mean they were just talking right plus no receipt that she was all over him then… it didn’t happen. Unless ‘your people’ have receipt then I will believe them”

“Lol, suit yourself Miss y/n. Don’t come crying at us if he cheats on you” Yuju said and was supported by Minie.

“Yeah y/n, we told you this for your own good but if you don’t want to believe it then that’s on you”

You ignored them. You don’t understand why are they so bitter about Jungkook. Especially Yuju’s ‘people’. Always have something about Jungkook. Feeling annoyed, you said “whatever, I’m going to Jungkook” and got up leaving them behind.

You actually have no plan on meeting Jungkook right now since he’s in class right now but you could wait for him you guess. After a solid one hour, you finally see Jungkook head pop out with the sea of people coming out of their lecture room. He was all smiley talking to somebody then it hits you. Oh the new girl Yuju and Minie was talking about. They were walking side by side and they seem close. You pushed yourself between that sea of people and after what feels like eternity, you reached Jungkook. You waste no time in holding his arm grabbing his attention.

“Hi babe” you said greeting him. Leaning up and on your tippy toes to give him a quick peck on the lips.

“Oh hey baby! I didn’t know you was waiting for me” he said acknowledging your presence and gladly kiss you back. You felt weird satisfaction by the fact that this new girl getting the memo that he’s yours and off limit.

“Yeah something came up btw who’s this?” you asked giving her a question yet judging gaze.

“Oh yeah this is Jiwo and Jiwo this is y/n my girlfriend”

“Hi I’m y/n” you said with a smile and you offer your hand for a handshake which she gladly took it. You give her a gentle yet tight grip making her look up to you with a clueless gaze.

“Jiwo” she said with a smile.

“Well Jiwo nice skirt, where’d you get that?” you asked.

“Ouh thanks! It was my mom’s” she said, face getting red because you’re actually the first one to compliment her look here.

“Ouhh vintage I like that” you said. Just to be nice while in a matter of fact, you think that was the ugliest skirt you have ever seen in your entire life.

“Okay nice to meet you but Jungkook have to go somewhere. So, bye” with that you dragged Jungkook by his arm and to the car park without waiting for her reply. Leaving her there dumbfounded. While being dragged, Jungkook actually made a calling sign telling Jiwo that he’ll call later. To complete their project. Together.

“Geez, slowdown woman. What happened?” Jungkook asked sensing your ‘unusual mood’.

“Can we go shopping? I’ve been so stress today please?” you said making your signature puppy eyes.

“I can’t right now y/n. I have to complete the project I’m making with Jiwo today”

“Are you seriously dumping me right now. For that basic chick” you said with a puff. Kinda genuinely hurt that he is rejecting you.

“No baby, I wasn’t dumping you. This project is just very important for our grade. Come on you understand me right?” he said and you have no choice but to give in.

“Alright,,, I understand” you said while gently take his hand and just draw random things on his palm. One of your habit that he notices you do when you want reassurance from him.

“Come here” he said opening his arm to give you a big warm hug. “How about we go shopping tomorrow? I only have one lecture and it’s in the morning. What do you think” he said while rubbing your back.

“DEAL!” you said with a big smile and you look up at him and he leans in for a kiss.

“Alright baby boo see you tomorrow” he said and give you a last peck on your forehead.

“I love you” you said while snuggling your face on his chest for the last time.

“I love you too now go. Byee”

Jungkook quickly got back into the building trying to find Jiwo. He doesn’t even wait until you go. You shrugged the thought not wanting to acknowledge them because acknowledging them means you agree with your friends and that they were right about Jungkook and your ego is just too damn high to do that. You get into your car and start your car. Guess you’ll go shopping alone today. Since you had lowkey fought with your bestfriend just now. With a last sigh you make your way on the road.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME TO READ THIS😭❤️PLEASE DO LET ME KNOW IF THERE'S IS ANYTHING THAT I CAN IMPROVE!! THANKS AGAIN!!!

#jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jungkook fanfic #jungkook ff #fanfic #bts #bts fanfic #namjoon #seokjin #yoongi #hoseok #jimin #taehyung #jungkook #established relationships #boyfriend jungkook #jungkook x reader #bts ff

148 notes · View notes

deonideatta · 3 years

Text

It's not peak brain hours for me rn, so I'm going to write everything about the sunah-mjh conspiracy and what it implies (or at least how I understand it) out to organise it in my head. Pls correct me if I've gotten anything wrong or missed anything

So all in all the goal was to plant ga on as a spy/weakness using isaac's face as an in. At first I thought that mjh had been the one to steer ga on towards being a judge, and I still think that's possible, but I don't think he approached ga on solely with the intent to use him tho. Based on his face at the graduation it seems he already knew her before that. She probably approached him and offered him a position as chief justice in exchange for manipulating ga on. (Also, what's his deal resigning then? What does he really want out of all of this?). I don't think he took care of ga on after his parents died solely for that reason tho, bc i think he's established as a friend of ga on's father, which is how they came to know each other.

Ga on would then be used to attack yohan in the future. On a basic level that meant feeding information back to mjh/acquiring evidence of yohan's shady dealings so they could take him down. Along the line yohan and ga on kinda grew attached to each other, which threw off the plan bc now ga on wasn't willing to betray yohan for mjh. However on a deeper level ga on was meant to serve as a weakness for yohan, emotionally, which was made more possible by them getting closer.

Mjh then uses soo hyun to plant doubts in ga on's mind surrounding the church fire. Then, they kill off soo hyun, and mjh uses soo hyun's death and the church fire to plant suspiscion. Yohan pushes ga on off the edge in the end with the death penalty thing, and mjh takes the opportunity to collect the returns on his investment, talking ga on into outing the court as fake. So in the end ga on's attachment to yohan ends up being beneficial to sunah-mjh, bc it drives him to reveal the truth so he can stop yohan from going too far.

It seems like things are over for yohan, but then it turns out the public still supports him, to the point of wanting to make him president. Deciding to go in for the kill, sun ah-mjh trick ga on into thinking yohan did the church fire and killed soo hyun, prompting the stabbing. Now it seems sun ah did this for the added emotional blow, bc she could have just framed yohan and left it at that. Rather she chooses to target what's closest to him, the two people he cares about most. And we reach the tragic conclusion.

Now, what does this mean for ga on's character? We know that at least his friendship with soo hyun came about free from sun ah's plans. It predated his relationship with mjh, so at least we can assume that his interactions with soo hyun were genuine, and her advice to him was as well, though it may have been influenced by mjh. We know that Ga on becoming yohan's associate judge was not a coincidence, but it's not clear if ga on going to the kang mansion was intended by sunahmjh, bc though we know that the foundation planted the bomb it would be a bit of a gamble to assume it would lead to yohan taking ga on to his house. Either way the closeness achieved there and the drive to help yohan and elijah and feel sympathy for them are all things ga on did on his own

As for ga on choosing to side with yohan over mjh. I don't think this was in the plan, bc obviously if ga on changes sides he'll stop leaking info to mjh. So we can assume that that was ga on's decision, influenced of course by yohan. Funny how we all analysed the ways that yohan manipulated ga on while the real manipulation was coming from mjh lol. Then again, while it might not serve mjh's agenda (whatever that is, we actually don't know) it also serves sun ah's agenda in that it makes ga on more of a weakness to yohan, as he grows fonder of him.

I also dont think sunah-mjh accounted for ga on's dark side. Yohan drew that out, and used it to convince ga on of his way of doing things. It seems mjh did put a lot of effort into making ga on the poster boy of 'righteousness', so that he would remain at odds with yohan, so obviously it doesn't work in his favour to have ga on secretly have a dark side that relates to yohan. Additionally, there's no way mjh or sun ah played a role in ga on's parents' death (or is there..? Mjh has been mentioned to be a friend of ga on's father. hmmm), so whatever effects that had on him (I.e. his thirst for revenge) would have been out of their control.

It seems though that when ga on went to yohan's side, they simply changed the plan to account for it. Sow seeds of doubt via soo hyun, then kill soo hyun and make it look like yohan did it. And then yohan himself inadvertently helped by busting out the whole death penalty. In the end it worked out even better for them, bc ga on gained a lot more insider knowledge by going to yohan's side, and again, his concern for yohan also spurred him into action in order to stop yohan from crossing a line he couldn't uncross, the only way that seemed available.

And then when the situation seems to be turning in yohan's favour, they decide to deliver the final blow, both to him and to ga on. It's devastating to yohan because it targets the two people he cares about most, and threatens to reveal the secret he has sacrificed so much to keep, for elijah's sake. And it's devastating to ga on because suddenly it puts his whole life into question, and he's suddenly faced with the realization that a lot of what he's done had been carefully laid out for him in advance, that a lot of his life has been a tool in someone's big plan. And in the process he has lost all the things he had that were real: his relationships with soo hyun, yohan and elijah. Imagine the weight of realising that all the choices you agonised over, that you made because you believed you were doing the right thing, turn out to be the result of careful manipulation from someone you trusted like a parental figure, and that all the things that could have stopped the force behind that figure have been destroyed because of you and those choices.

Overall it's a very insidious and downright evil plan, especially because it hinged a lot on taking advantage of a young man lost in the wake of tragic events in order to steer his life in a direction meant to serve your sick and twisted goals. And then continuing to do so until your plans bear fruition, then shattering his whole world and moving on. All for the purpose of mentally tormenting some guy who wasn't nice to you when you were a maid that stole things from his house

My only issue with all this is how sun ah knew yohan was going to do all the things he was going to do so far in advance that she could plan ga on's career path accordingly? You could argue sun ah planted ga on purely based on her obsession with yohan, not necessarily expecting him to wage war on the elites. She may have then seen the benefit of ga on as a weakness of yohan's when the fight started and played up that aspect of the plan. Or she set up the live court for the express purpose of having yohan and ga on meet? Not clear on this, if anyone has any thoughts help a sister out.

We'll probably get more info in the finale, and I'll update this post if I think of anything new

#we were all here analysing yohan's 5d chess while sun ah was playing 7d chess in the background skdjs #my head hurts skdj #the devil judge #i listened to the soundtrack for the first time as i wrote this and it did not help :'))#tdj meta

36 notes · View notes

osakaso5 · 3 years

Photo

Nagi Rokuya Birthday Photobook Rabbit Chat Part 3: Nagi And His Senior Idols

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 4 | Part 5

Tsumugi: Thank you for gathering here today..! This project was created to show more of Nagi-san’s true nature as a way to commemorate the release of the Nagi Photobook.

Tsumugi: I’m sure you must be busy, but I’d like for you to talk as you usually do. I look forward to chatting with you!

Nagi: Feel free to discuss every one of my good points. Now, begin.

Ryunosuke: Hello, Nagi-kun! I was excited for your photobook!

Nagi: Hello.

Yuki: You're as cold as I heard.

Momo: Yoohoo, Nagi~! Mind giving us a little more of a warm welcome???

Nagi: I do not mean to treat you coldly. This is how I normally operate.

Yuki: Like a train?

Gaku: You're not like this when you talk to me. What's going on?

Nagi: Hm, is that so? Perhaps I must correct my conduct around you...

Gaku: Why? (lol)

Tenn: Gaku, are you done trying to act like the two of you are best friends?

Ryunosuke: Wait, Gaku and Nagi-kun are friends!? I want to be friends with him, too. Do you think we could make that happen?

Tenn: Ryu, you're veering dangerously close to flirty territory again.

Ryunosuke: Huh!?

Yuki: It's almost scary, how unaware of his own flirting he is. He and Nagi-kun are pretty much polar opposites.

Momo: I think you're a little like Ryu in that respect, too...

Yuki: Am I?

Tsumugi: Nagi-san, please say something ><

Ryunosuke: Did he fall asleep?

Nagi: Of course not. I was merely observing our chat log, in case any of you felt like talking about my photobook.

Gaku: Geez, you're really gonna keep doing this aren't you? (lol)

Tenn: Nagi Rokuya, your crying face makes you look like a child.

Momo: Ah, you mean in the social media pic~!? Wasn't that taken during one of his Cocona marathons? lolol

Nagi: OH, I was not expecting you to open with that. Cute, was it not? Although Mitsuki is the only cutie we need.

Gaku: I thought we were finally gonna talk about your photobook, but now you're just bragging about your teammates!

Nagi: Is that a problem? :-)))

Gaku: No!

Nagi: I do enjoy your banter, Yaotome-shi.

Momo: Nagi, you're so funny, lolololol

Nagi: Am I? :-P

Yuki: I didn't know you even could cry.

Nagi: ? What do you mean?

Yuki: Nothing.

Ryunosuke: That picture of you with the cherry blossoms was cool! I was completely drawn to it.

Nagi: I think you should take a photograph in front of the nighttime sakura, as well.

Ryunosuke: I'm not really the type who'd look good around sakura, lol

Yuki: You're more of a hibiscus kind of guy.

Tenn: Totally.

Nagi: Uminchu (1).

Tsumugi: Mitsuki-san just sent me a message saying: "Nagi's trying to mail order a ton of hibiscuses and send them to Yaotome Productions, I'll go pretend I'm Cocona until he comes to his senses"..!?

Ryunosuke: W-why!?

Yuki: That's hilarious.

Tenn: No, it's not...

Gaku: Yeah, it is.

Tenn: It shouldn't be.

Momo: Hey, Nagi! Why were you trying to send them hibiscuses!? lolololol

Nagi: So Tsunashi-shi may be photographed against a hibiscus background? He may not look as good as me, but I am sure they will suit him nonetheless.

Nagi: Consider it a thanks for his appreciation of the photobook Sogo produced for me.

Ryunosuke: B-but... I just said what I felt, are you sure I should accept the flowers?

Tenn: Don't look so happy, Ryu.

Yuki: Maybe you could send me flowers, too

Nagi: Will edible flowers do?

Momo: LMAO

Tsumugi: Um, I received another message from Mitsuki-san, this time saying "He's just got this creepy, serene look on his face! And he's not stopping, in fact now he's trying to buy edible flowers"...

Momo: He's actually doing it, lolololol

Yuki: How many were you planning to get us, by the way?

Nagi: 1100.

Momo: Figures!!! Are you rewarding us for talking about the Nagi Photobook or something!? lololol

Gaku: Is this some kind of reforestation campaign?

Nagi: You are to photograph yourselves in front of the flowers I send you, holding a Nagi Photobook, and then upload it on social media.

Nagi: On June 20th, at exactly midnight, of course :-))))

Yuki: That'll be one hell of a picture. Sounds fun

Momo: Let's do it! A handsome Nagi in bed plus Re:vale in front of tons of edible flowers equals a massive reaction, lololol

Ryunosuke: Now I'm getting nervous! It's a big responsibility, but I'll try my best to take a good picture.

Gaku: Ryu, if you're doing it, don't take the photo yourself. I'll do it.

Ryunosuke: Thank you!

Tenn: I don't care anymore.

Tsumugi: Before we get more sidetracked, here are some questions the others prepared for you...

Nagi: I was waiting for this. It is about time for me to free Mitsuki, who is still pretending to be Cocona for me X-P

Choices/outcomes:

1. Why do you like anime?

Nagi: It is a long story... But to put it shortly, anime is one of the things that saved me.

2. Meat or veggies?

Nagi: I like both. But if you mean my conduct with the ladies, I am more of a carnivorous type... ;-P

3. Do you do anything specific to maintain your physique?

Nagi: I watch Cocona. The sheer excitement is enough for me to break into a sweat, and it has a detoxing effect.

Nagi: I look forward to each of your photobooks, as well.

Gaku: Oh, that's nice to hear. Let us know what you thought, okay (lol)

Nagi: I think I will be able to judge them based entirely on how Sogo will be acting when they release.

Gaku: Why Osaka?

Ryunosuke: He did say he's our fan!

Nagi: Unfortunately, that appears to be the case ;-(

Yuki: Unfortunately?

Nagi: Sogo and Mitsuki are such rabid fanboys ;-(

Nagi: By the way, Kujo-shi, I hope you will look forward to the Riku Photobook, which I will be producing.

Tenn: ^^

Tsumugi: Aaaah, I'll cut this part out of the public version..!

Tenn: Oh. Okay then.

Tenn: I expect a cover portraying your center as the healthy and wholesome 18-year- old he is ^^

Nagi: OH, do not fret, Kujo-shi. I understand completely (V)o¥o(V)

Tenn: What is that kaomoji supposed to be..?

Nagi: (V)o¥o(V)

Momo: I knew this when I read your photobook, but you've gotten soft, Nagi! In a good way!

Nagi: What? But I have not gained any weight!

Momo: That's not what I meant, lololol I meant your personality and vibe, stuff like that.

Nagi: What makes you say that?

Momo: Just a hunch!

Nagi: A hunch?

Momo: You used to be like Yuki, when he was younger.

Yuki: Did he now? Does that mean I should get into Cocona, too?

Momo: Nah, I think you're good, lololol

Gaku: I kinda get what you mean. My image of him changed after we did MATSURI together, too.

Nagi: If that is the case... Then perhaps I have finally found a place where I can truly be myself.

Ryunosuke: Are you happy right now, Nagi-kun?

Nagi: Yes. More than anyone else in the world.

Ryunosuke: That's great!

Tenn: You've found something to hold dear.

Nagi: Moments of happiness, sadness, and anger. It is a routine we have come to share. I think it has changed not only me, but each and every one of us.

Nagi: Meeting all of you has changed us greatly. Thank you for paving the way for us.

Momo: He's finally warmed up to us..!

Yuki: That he has.

Nagi: Though we will be the ones paving the rest of the way for you :-P

Gaku: Nah, he's still his usual self (lol)

Tsumugi: We've changed because of you, Nagi-san.

Tsumugi: Thank you for keeping your cool. No matter what happens, I feel like we can always get back on track, as long as you're with us.

Tsumugi: Still, I know we can't keep relying on you like this... So I'll make sure to become the kind of manager you can even complain to!

Nagi: I thought a true man should never complain.

Nagi: However, I now realize that my feelings on the matter might be hurting you.

Nagi: Thank you all for coming here tonight. I was happy to talk to you.

Nagi: Though I do not dare wish for more, I have come to feel that maybe having 12 of us is even better than having 7 of us. I hope you will understand this feeling, too.

Translator’s notes..?

1) Uminchu basically means “man of the sea” in Uchinaaguchi/Okinawan

#idolish7 #nagi rokuya #birthday photobook #translation #i7 #rabbit chat

38 notes · View notes

dragonsareourfuture · 3 years

Text

Light Yagami/GN! L’s Sibling!Reader — Protector

⚠️Warnings: Unhealthy relationships, manipulation, reader experiences grief, major character death, open ending.

requested by @darkrose33 ! sorry this took so long, I mostly finished writing it and then changed ideas halfway through, so I rewrote it all lol. I could not think of a way that the dynamic and story line that was requested could work in the context of a healthy relationship, so this isn't exactly a happy or romantic oneshot. I wanted to make this as realistic to Light's motivations and character as I could. I apologize if this isn’t what you wanted but you can always request something else if you would like :)

For as long as you can remember, your big brother was the person you looked up to the most. He was the brains, the one who had no trouble with the academics but every ounce of trouble with the social aspect of life. He wasn’t one to care what people thought about him socially, which in turn allowed him to behave however he wanted. He was an expert at leaving a room silent and stunned with just his words because of his lack of filter, telling only the brutal, honest truth when necessary. You couldn’t help but admire L Lawliet more than anything else in the world.

And because you held such admiration for the boy, you appointed yourself to be the role of his protector. Some kid called him a weirdo behind his back? Not to worry, with a little persuasion you can get them to apologize. He’s feeling overworked and you overhear one of the adults talking about a pile of paperwork they are about to drop off to L’s room? Huh, it seems that paperwork somehow ended up in the fireplace, nothing but a pile of ashes left of it. How strange. However you could protect him, you took on that challenge, even if it was simply being in the same room as him for emotional support. If you knew he needed to consume at least one vegetable that week, you were there to deliver, even if you had to hide it in a piece of cake. Whatever you could do, you did. Some told you that was what made you two so interesting – he was the brains, and you were the brawn, but you both needed each other to balance out. Like Yin and Yang.

So imagine your despair when, quite suddenly, L didn’t need you anymore. He was solving more cases, gaining in fame as the world’s greatest detective in his mere teenage years. He would, undoubtedly, need more protection than little ol’ you could provide once professional criminals found the desire to seek him out and kill him. And of course you wanted him to be safe, wanted him to thrive in the occupation that he excelled at, but…you missed your big brother with all of your heart. Not a day went by that you didn’t wish you could bring L his lunch or defend his honor out in the kickball field when some kid wouldn’t shut their big fat mouth. You missed those days.

You heard about the Kira case and how it was kicking everyone on the task force’s ass, including L’s. It only made you wish you could be there more. You kept up on the news, though. It was just about the only thing you could do. You tried to distract yourself with your own studies, but it was difficult to even try when you knew you could never in your wildest imagination come close to rising above your big brother.

You kept reminding yourself that you were grown now. You were fully capable of making a life for yourself that didn’t involve L – that didn’t include worrying about him every few moments. So you worked however pointless it may have seemed. You cooked, you did chores, even started taking up odd jobs to complete during the little free time you would have spent sleeping if you weren’t prone to dreams about the danger L could be in. Every moment in life was spent trying not to worry…only for you to realize that you had every right to worry all along.

The news itself was not particularly surprising. L and every single one of his runners up had to write out their will in advance – about a decade early. Death was to be expected in that line of work.

You had since moved out of Wammy’s house officially, but always stuck around to do the gardening, occasionally the cooking as well. Also the cleaning…you were basically the Wammy house maid, but you were grateful for the distractions.

When the news came, you were in the middle of planting a batch of bulbs you had bought at the store the previous day – white lilies. You had nearly passed them by in favor of a more colorful flower, but when your eyes caught the lack of pigment of the fully grown lily on the packaging, you couldn’t help but be reminded of your big brother’s pale as bone skin. You had chuckled at the memory, blinked away a few rising tears, and plucked the bulbs from the shelf. Now, with about half of the bulbs buried under the soil and half waiting to be planted, you listened to Roger’s words grow increasingly louder the closer he came to where you sat crouched in the dirt. You wished you hadn’t listened, though. For he only brought you sorrow.

It wasn’t that you didn’t believe Roger when he had come to tell you of your brother’s passing, it was simply that it was near impossible for you to imagine a world without the eccentric boy you’d grown up alongside. Sure, you’d been separated for some time now, but you’d grown used to knowing that even if he wasn’t with you, he was still somewhere fighting for the justice he believed in. To be told that he suddenly wasn’t in this world anymore…? You had to see it for yourself. So, despite Roger’s warnings, you ran inside and booked a flight to Japan as soon as you could. In your blind panic, you must have trampled the remaining bulbs you had yet to give life to.

…

The flight was stressful, the landing equally so. The drive to the task force building – torture. By the time you made it out of the car and through the doors of the task force building, you swore your throat was closing up. A glass of water was offered to you and, gratefully accepting the offer, you glugged the water down in a matter of seconds before someone else was offering you a seat.

You sat, pulling your legs up and curling them in. The chair was then pushed into place at a table and the man who offered it to you…placed a hand on your shoulder…?

You jolted, the empty cup in your hands almost toppling out of your grip.

“I’m sorry…! I should have asked first. My apologies…and my condolences.”

He appeared younger than everyone else around you. Young enough to be just about your age. His apologetic smile shone down on you like a beacon of light in the dark and dreary times you had seemingly been trapped in for so long. After that thought, you had stared in disbelief when he told you his name. Light. Fitting, you thought.

Light placed a hand onto the chair next to you, looking at you as if for permission. You nodded vaguely, hoping to convey your silent gratitude for him being so considerate. It wasn’t as if no one else had been this kind to you since hearing about the news, it was more so that you got the sense Light actually cared rather than simply spouting out the usual ‘I’m sorry’s you’re supposed to when someone experiences a loss. His words were not empty; they were full of life and intent. What that intent was, you didn’t know, but you wanted to keep feeling it over the usual hollow atmosphere you and your brother grew up in. So, before you knew it, you were spending hours at a time talking with Light Yagami, the very man who would be taking over the Kira case since your brother’s death.

It was indeed shocking to you how someone so young, even young in comparison to L, could lead an entire investigation. Granted, he had the rest of the task force by his side, but after only one day of observing their dynamic, you could feel the disconnection between them. Light was multiple steps ahead of them; there was no question about it. At times you got the sense he was keeping things from them. But, then again, you were almost certain L had done the same thing while he was leading them. It was difficult to blame someone so intelligent when they wanted to save time and not explain to everyone what their plan is, but lead them all like sheep. It would be faster that way, easier too.

With that final thought, the pedestal you were putting Light on became visible to you. But it couldn’t be a bad thing. It was normal for you to look up to your brother, yes? With Light, it was a different sensation altogether, but the same idea. You admired him, and you couldn’t see the harm in that when he was rubbing your back in comforting circles as you cried, talking to you and telling stories when you wanted to focus on something else. He was helping you, and because he wanted to, no less.

…

It was a strange sensation to wake up and have everyone you know suddenly become cautious around you, treating you like glass that would break if they said the wrong thing. After just a few minutes of this, you knew exactly what day it was. It somewhat startled you, your brother’s funeral being so soon. You wondered if the date had been pushed up, but no. You had simply been…distracted. In a good way, that is. When you first arrived in Japan, you thought that nothing but dread would accompany your visit. You had no clue how you would make it through the couple of days leading up to the funeral, how you would occupy your time. Sightseeing felt disrespectful. Besides, how could you appreciate fine architecture or lush greenery with such a weight in your heart, spreading throughout your body like a disease? What you hadn’t expected was to find someone who seemingly made everything more bearable. Someone who made the days pass faster.

This special someone helped you into your outfit – all black, casual yet put together. Light was gentle with you that day. Not skittish or cautious like the others were, but soft and loving. He would touch you, hands on your shoulders and a brush of his fingers through your hair every now and then, but it would be feather light and comforting all the same. He knew exactly how to make you feel noticed and cared for, but not in the least bit overwhelmed with affection – a perfect medium.

Driving to the graveyard was not as stressful as your initial drive from the airport. You originally suspected this was the case because you had time to accept the reality of it all; you were able to let the information ferment and sink in. But, as you got steadily closer to your destination and all the grief you had avoided for the last few days began to bubble to the surface of your mind, you realized this was not the case. What you had time to do was ignore the truth, become distracted as you always did. It had always been your way of dealing with your own problems. It was L’s problems you could face head on. But anything personal to you? No sir. You desperately wished you’d taken the time to develop a better coping mechanism as the car pulled into the small patch of asphalt among a sea of grass and graves.

You hadn’t even realized how fast you were breathing until Light clasped your hand, his free hand reaching to turn your head to face him directly. “Are you okay? Can you hear me?” You nodded. “Good. Now, I want you to take slower, deeper breaths, alright?” you nodded again and followed his instructions – in then out at a slow pace, inhaling as deeply as you could before blowing the air from your mouth. You squeezed Light’s hand and sent him a weary smile when you had gathered your wits.

The fresh air did you good as you stepped out of the car, shoes crunching in the loose grains of asphalt and soon gliding through blades of grass. You started to calm down, internally congratulating yourself for not freaking out with each step. This was the continued routine until the gravestone came into view. The task force was heading toward it, so no doubt it was L’S. It was marked by a fairly large, golden cross that reflected the setting sun like a mirror. You ducked your head, pretending that it was indeed the sun in your eyes that caused you to stop and cover your face. You waved for Light to go on ahead and assured him you would meet him there in a bit. You were absolutely sure no one bought your excuse, but they still respected your wishes and left you behind to gather around your brother’s grave while you turned your back to it.

You walked back to the car almost on autopilot. You could barely see, so you trained your eyes on the ground as tears freely flowed down your cheeks, not a sound leaving your lips until you were safely beside the vehicle you arrived in. You stomped your foot in the asphalt, kicked the loose pebbles around, feeling just like the child you used to be. Throwing a tantrum was not on your funeral to-do list, but there you were. You just didn’t know if you could bear it, seeing your brother for the last time as nothing but a slab of stone. You could sit by it, protect it all you wanted but it would never need you. Not like he used to. You could plant those lilies you had abandoned by it. That wasn’t actually a terrible idea.

You didn’t know how long you were standing there, pacing in the middle of the parking lot. Mustn’t have been too long, as the sun hadn’t even passed over the horizon, but it felt like an eternity.

Until…what was that? Something caught your attention, causing your head to snap up in search for the source. The others were nowhere in sight, all that stirred were a couple of birds from a nearby tree. That could have been another family visiting a grave, which would make sense given that the noise sounded similar to hysterical crying. Or…was that laughter?

You began to grow worried, deciding on a whim to check up on the others. You wouldn’t approach the grave unless you had to, you decided. Yeah, good plan, you managed to convince yourself as you took steps toward the grave. With every few feet, the noises grew louder, and you were soon able to recognize words. You sped up your pace until you made it over the hill that separated the parking lot from the field only to find…

What was Light doing on the ground? No, a better question would be: what was Light – the person who was working his ass off to catch Kira – doing kneeling on your brother’s grave, shouting that he would get rid of the police? That this is his perfect victory? That he wins?

You felt…what? What could sum up that feeling that filled your chest when that sight was exposed to you? You felt confused, you felt unsure. Then, with the realization of what was going on, you felt betrayal. Then, in a sudden wave intense enough to make you feel as though you would fall over, you felt furious. You felt a sudden need to protect your older brother just like you had done for years with playground bullies and critics, but this time with someone you thought you could trust. Someone you loved who had apparently taken advantage of your care for him – someone who had lied to your face about who they truly were.

Before you knew it you were sprinting across the field. You had no clue what you were going to do until you got to the grave and quite literally kicked him off the soil your own flesh and blood was buried under. The move was so swift you wondered if it had actually happened or if this was all some sick nightmare. God, you hoped it was. Although you almost didn’t want to pray to god now, as there was a self-proclaimed god sitting with the wind knocked out of him at your feet.

“You…you GODDAMN FUCKING TRAITOR—” you couldn’t tell if Light was actually looking at you with eyes glinting with fear or if the sunset lighting was playing tricks on you. “THAT’S MY FUCKING BROTHER—YOU CAN’T—I SHOULD NEVER HAVE—” It was impossible to finish a sentence or even a thought in your own brain. There were so many things you wanted to say and kill him for but right now everything was jumbled together.

The way Light was staring at you didn’t exactly help. Eyes that now looked red in the setting sun bore into your own pupils from the ground. He looked dead serious, almost angry that you had the guts to knock him to the ground in your fit of rage. But although your words were coming out in screaming stutters your movements seemed swift and sure, as the moment Light moved to stand up your foot flew to action once more and planted right onto his chest. His back met the ground for a second time. He wasn’t even trying to contain his fury, clawing at your ankle and baring his teeth like a dog trying his best to be intimidating, but still eager to know what you were planning to do next. After all, he could have easily shoved you off. But he was curious.

You spoke calmly now, mind set on what you wanted to ask. “You never cared about me, did you?” Light’s mouth opened to answer but you went on without letting him speak. “No, you cared about me, but only because my brother was L, and I could give you information now that he’s gone. Am I right?” again, his mouth opened, but when your heel unexpectedly dug into his chest he let out a pained and irritated groan instead of coherent words. It was like you were teasing him, not to get a laugh out of his pain but…for what? You barely even knew yourself. It wouldn’t do anything. It wouldn’t make you less humiliated for being tricked and it certainly wouldn’t bring your brother back. Either way, Light definitely didn’t like it.

Before you had the chance to react you were thrown onto your back. Light had pushed you back by your leg and rose to his feet, now above you in every sense of the word. He – Kira – had carried out his plan. Meanwhile, you had nothing left.

“You don’t have to go against me,” Light seethed, “All you have to do is let the new world take its shape, and everything will fall into place.”

“That’s a shitty sales pitch.”

“It’s an offer. You’ve done nothing wrong, committed no crimes. You’d do well in my world.” The look on your face made it apparent that you had no interest in his words. Light furrowed his brows, then the ghost of a smile twitched at the corners of his lips. “I know you –”

“You don’t know anything about me. And I clearly didn’t know you.” You pushed yourself up onto your elbows.

“—you wouldn’t want your brother’s death to be in vain.”

“I—” you paused. “What?”

“L was an obstacle I had to pass to get to a world where less people would have to suffer the same loss you have. I expect you don’t want to just throw away his death and turn me in. you can make something out of his sacrifice—“

“He wasn’t TRYING to be sacrificed; he was TRYING to put a vigilante maniac to death.”

“But if his death could mean a better world for others, you would just throw that away for your own revenge?”

You blinked, once, twice, then rapidly, shaking your head as if trying to prevent dust from getting into your eyes, or Light’s siren song from getting into your head. “Stop. That’s not…Just stop.”

“You know I’m right.” He stepped towards you and for a second you thought he was about to repay you for crushing his lungs moments ago. All that followed was his hand shooting out, stopping in front of your face. You looked up at him in disbelief. “I’ll love and care for you as I did before. I can be the one you care for in his place. All I ask is that you help me create a better world, or at least don’t try and stop me.”

You nearly scoff, but some of his words actually catch your attention. He’d love and care for you…but it would all be fake. Still, what kind of person would you be to reject others a grief-less world just to avenge your brother? But who ever said Light would follow through, not become corrupt along the way if he wasn’t already? There were so many possibilities and so many possible outcomes, all influenced by this one decision that you had to make right now.

You choked on your words.

Familiar voices were approaching.

Time was ticking.

“I…”

108 notes · View notes