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drabbles-mc · 3 years

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You Came Back (3/3)

Juice Ortiz x Reader

Request from @ateliefloresdaprimavera: Juice has a special place in my heart, so I'm denying his ending on the show😭 I want to foccus on the nurturing,fluffy and romantic side that he deserves😍 maybe something about Opie and Jax childhood friend who comes back to charming( Gemma always thought of her as her own kid) and she's really closed of emotionaly, bit our boy is smitten from the second he has his eyes on her. so romantic Juice overdrive, and she starts to see this side of life that's worth, by his side

Warnings: language, soft confessions and feelings like whoa

Word Count: 2.9k

A/N: The conclusion of this little mini-series! Thanks for the request, I hope you enjoyed it! xo

Chapter Index: Part 1, Part 2

You and Juice became fast friends as the days went by. Jax and Opie would bug you about it when it was just the three of you. They insisted that something more must be going on between the two of you. It was easy to deny it, because it wasn’t true. But you couldn’t deny that Juice did have a little bit of a lost-puppy look whenever he was with you. That boy would follow you anywhere you asked him to.

“You guys have weekly dates now,” Opie said with a laugh, “You’re essentially a couple.”

You shook your head, “They aren’t dates. I don’t know why you guys can’t believe that two people can spend time with each other and not be fucking. That’s a you problem.”

“Fine, whatever,” Jax said with a chuckle, “But he’s definitely a little in love with you.”

You rolled your eyes, “Oh shut up no he is not. He doesn’t even really know me.”

“And whose fault is that?” Opie said before taking a sip of his beer.

It sent a mild jolt of fear through your body when he asked that question. You shook your head, trying to dismiss the topic, “What is this? You guys want me to date him or something?”

“I’d never tell someone to hook up with your crazy ass,” Jax laughed, “But I don’t think he’s interested in taking my advice at this point,” he searched your face, trying to figure out what you were thinking, “You seeing him later?”

You sighed, knowing that answering truthfully was going to invite a bunch of other questions and issues, “Maybe.”

“What’s the big date plan tonight?” Jax’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“Not a date,” you shot him a glare, “We’re just hanging out at his house.”

“His house?” Jax raised his eyebrows.

“Sure as hell not inviting him here,” you laughed and shook your head, “You boys done grilling me about it?” you got up and grabbed your purse and your keys, “I have places to be.”

Jax and Opie stayed seated at the counter, laughing as you pulled your shoes on and got ready to storm out of the house. Opie tilted his bear towards you, “Tell Juice we said hello.”

You didn’t respond, instead just turned and walked out, shutting the door behind you a little harder than necessary. Your thoughts flew through your brain at record speeds as you made your way to Juice’s house. For as much time as the two of you spent together, you never really let him in. You hadn’t even talked to Jax and Opie about how you ended up back in Charming, and you’d known them for as long as you could remember. But Juice never brought it up, not since the first time you two really spoke. You wondered why he was so okay with being kept at arms-length.

When you got to Juice’s house, you let yourself in. He was on the couch, deeply entrenched in his current round of Call of Duty. You smiled and shook your head as you toed off your shoes and made your way over to the couch. He looked over at you for a moment and flashed you a smile before retuning his attention to the television. You sat back and watched, laughing at how worked up he and his friends would get over it.

When the match was over, he took off his headset and turned to you, “Sorry about that.”

You chuckled and shook your head, “You’re fine. Sorry you guys didn’t at least get a win.”

He shrugged it off, “It’s whatever. Still up for pizza and movies?”

You nodded, “Of course!”

The two of you had demolished the pizza you had ordered. All that was left was the empty box where you both were starting to accumulate your empty beer bottles. You were both sitting on opposite ends of the couch. Your legs stretched across the cushions while he rested his feet on the end of the coffee table. His eyes were glued to the television despite the fact that he had seen the movie a million times before. You were trying to stay focused, but your mind kept replaying everything that had been happening over the last few weeks.

“Thank you,” you blurted out.

He looked over at you, clearly confused, “For what?”

You felt your face heating up, “For, you know, not being a total dick,” you chuckled.

He laughed, “That’s a low bar that I’m more than happy to meet.”

“Why are you so okay with being friends with someone you know nothing about?”

His expression softened, “I know enough about you to know that you’re someone that I want in my life,” there was a look in his eyes that let you know that he had his own demons to battle, “And opening up is…hard. I get it.”

A small smile crept across your face, “You this sweet to everyone, Juan Carlos?”

He chuckled, “No.”

You both returned your attention to the television but your chest felt a little lighter. He didn’t look over at you but his hand absently crept over and came to rest on your leg. You smiled, fighting the urge to look at him. Neither of you said anything more as you finished the rest of the movie.

When you got to the office at T-M the next day, there was a coffee waiting for you on your desk. You smiled as you looked at the note that was resting on top of it, “Since I know you had a late night. -JC” You took a sip and chuckled to yourself at the fact that he knew your order. Maybe he really did know a thing or two about you.

Over the course of the next week, almost every morning you came in to something small on your desk. It wasn’t ever anything crazy or extravagant. He’d leave you your favorite candy bar or a snack. One morning you walked in and laughed when you saw that there was a milkshake sitting on your desk. He never mentioned it when he saw you throughout the day, just carrying on a conversation with you as normal.

You walked into the office on Saturday morning and there were two slips of paper waiting for you on your desk. Both had Juice’s handwriting on them. All the first note said was, “Dinner and a movie? -JC” and the second one was a makeshift movie ticket that he had clearly drawn up himself. You couldn’t stop smiling, laughing when you saw that he wrote, “Theater Number: My House”.

You walked over to the shop, knowing that this time you’d have to address what he had left on your desk. For a minute you thought that he was gone doing club business, but then you saw his legs sticking out from underneath a car that he was working on. You smiled as you silently pulled up a stool and sat down to wait for him to finish up whatever he was working on.

The sound of him muttering and cursing drifted out from underneath the car and you accidentally let a laugh slip past your lips. The next sound was a thud, followed by Juice quietly but forcefully saying, “Fuck,” and you had to assume that the thud was the sound of his head smacking against something underneath the vehicle.

He slid out and looked up at you, one hand resting on his forehead, “I didn’t know you were here.”

You chuckled, “I was waiting for you to finish whatever it is you’re doing down there.”

He sat upright, “I should probably take a break anyway.”

Your eyes grew wide when he dropped his hand back down to his side—whatever his head had collided with had put a gash into his forehead, “Jesus Christ, your head.”

“What?” he ran his fingers across and looked at them, sighing when he saw the blood, “Shit.”

You stood up and helped him to do the same before having him sit on the stool, “Wait here. I got some band-aids and stuff in my office.”

You came back to him with your very unofficial and incomplete first-aid kit. You didn’t have much, but you had enough to take care of the cut on his forehead. You gently cleaned it with a damp paper towel before wiping it down with alcohol. He cringed but didn’t say anything.

“You want a regular band-aid or a superhero one?”

He chuckled, “Only if you have Spider-Man in there.”

You dug around the box and pulled one out with a smile, “You’re in luck.”

You were gently smoothing the bandage onto his forehead when you looked down to take in his expression. His eyes were closed and there was a calm smile on his face—you knew he was soaking up the feeling of you taking care of him. Your breath got caught in your throat for a minute and you had to focus on taking a deep breath as you felt your heartbeat pick up speed.

“So,” you cleared your throat, trying to get your composure back, “this doesn’t seem like a hospital-worthy injury. Think you’ll be stable enough for dinner and a movie tonight?”

He opened his eyes and smiled up at you, “You tell me, doc. Think I’ll be alright?”

You chuckled, nodding, “Yea, a night in and plenty of rest might be just the thing you need.”

You let your hand slide down and cup the side of his face for a moment before you caught yourself and nervously took it away. You could tell by the look in Juice’s eye that the gesture wasn’t lost on him. He was right—opening up wasn’t easy, but you felt like you were reaching a point where you had no other choice.

“If Spider-Man doesn’t hold up,” you attempted to redirect the conversation, “come see me. I think I have a Hulk one that will do the trick.”

He smiled at you, “Thanks,” he watched you as you walked back to the office, bringing his hand up to rest where yours had just been.

You didn’t really talk to him for the rest of the day, both of you being wrapped up in your own responsibilities. The closest you came was overhearing the guys making fun of his band-aid. He took the heckling in stride, the way that he always did, and you couldn’t help but to shake your head.

He popped into the office at the end of the day, arms and hands streaked with grease but his head seemed like it hadn’t suffered any more than it did in the morning. “Hey, uh, I gotta head home and shower,” he chuckled, “Because I’m fucking gross right now. But if you want, I can come pick you up later.”

“A chauffer to the movie theater?” you smirked at him from your desk.

He laughed, “Exactly.”

You tapped your pen lightly on the desk a few times, trying to figure out if you were going to say something about all the thoughts that had been racing through your head. You gnawed lightly at the inside of your cheek for a moment before forcing yourself to meet his eyes, “Is this a date?”

His eyes widened for a moment, not expecting the question, “I…um…I mean,” he rested his hand on the back of his neck, “You want it to be?”

“Do you?”

He chuckled, not able to look you in the eyes, “If it was up to me, I would’ve taken you out on a date the first night I met you.”

You felt your heart skip a beat inside your chest, “I got a lot of shit I gotta work through, Juan,” you weren’t expecting your voice to sound so soft.

He smiled at you, his expression always so comforting, “I’m just asking to pick you up for dinner and a movie. That’s all.”

You nodded, feeling a little better, “Right. Yea, okay.”

He nodded and lightly knocked on the doorframe, “I’ll see you later, then,” he flashed you a grin before taking off out the door.

You were sitting on the couch in the living room, trying not to feel too anxious as you waited for Juice to come and pick you up. Your only saving grace was that Jax wasn’t home, so you weren’t going to be bombarded with questions about why Juice was picking you up.

You heard the sound of his bike pulling into the driveway and you practically leapt off the couch. You walked over and out the front door, meeting him on the front steps. He smiled at you, letting out a quiet laugh as you shut and locked the door behind you.

“I’d ask if you’re ready but I feel like I know the answer,” he beamed at you as he handed you his helmet.

The two of you were sat on his couch eating dinner. You had to admit that you were surprised at how well he could cook. You could tell that the air felt a little different, but it was good. It felt like there were so many words resting on the tip of your tongue and you didn’t know where to start.

“What’re you thinking?” Juice asked, a small smile tugging at the edges of his mouth.

You chuckled, not quite knowing where to start, “I really like this,” you gestured between the two of you, “what we’ve been doing. I…I like you a lot. And I know you said not to be sorry about being such a closed fucking book all the time. But I don’t like being like this. I thought I was okay with it but,” you shook your head, “Anyway. I just, fuck. If we’re gonna do this I want you to know what you’re getting into.”

He nodded for you to continue, “So, what am I getting into?”

“I left Charming because I couldn’t stand the thought of being stuck here for the rest of my life. I up and left everything, not that I had much to leave behind,” you shook your head slightly, “But everywhere I went I was still stuck with this shitty feeling of not belonging there. It didn’t matter where I worked, if I made friends, if I was dating someone—I was just haunted by this nagging feeling of being in the wrong place,” you looked at Juice and there was a sadness in his eyes that let you know that he understood exactly where you were coming from, “I ended up getting into some bad shit with the wrong people. It was spiraling out of control fast so…I did what I knew and I packed up my shit and left. I became a new person when I left here and I knew that I could go back to the old me once I got back. Nothing happens in Charming, right?” you let out a dry chuckle as you shook your head.

He waited for you to meet his gaze and he offered up the smallest of smiles, “Well, I wouldn’t say that nothing happens in Charming. You came back, right? I’d say that’s something.”

Your entire body felt warm as you processed what he had said, “I guess.”

“I know the feeling of not being quite right, not being the right person or in the right place. It’s the shittiest feeling,” he took a deep breath, “And it’s a lot to deal with alone. I know you said you got some shit to work through, but that doesn’t mean you have to be alone to do it.”

“Yea?”

He reached over and rested his hand on top of yours, “Yea.”

You hadn’t felt the tears gathering in your eyes, but you melted when you felt Juice reach over to lightly brush them off of your cheeks. His hand lingered on your cheek for a moment and your eyes fluttered shut. It’d been a long time since someone touched you with the intent to take care of you.

“I really wanna kiss you,” his voice was quiet.

Your eyes opened at that and a smile crept across your face, “I really want you to.”

He leaned in and softly pressed his lips against yours, like he was still giving you the chance to pull away and change your mind. That was the furthest thing from your mind, though. You leaned into him and gently grabbed his shirt to pull him flush against you. He cupped your face in both his hands and you could feel him smiling as he kissed you.

He finally had to pull away to let you both catch your breath. You leaned back and your entire face felt hot, a nervous giggle escaped from your lips. He smiled at you, hands entwining with yours. There were a few moments of silence as the two of you took in everything that had just happened.

“We didn’t even get to the movie yet,” he chuckled.

You laughed, “Still up for that?”

He nodded, pulling you closer to him so you could rest against his side, “Of course.”

He wrapped his arms around you and you melted into him as he pulled up a movie for the two of you to watch. You smiled to yourself as you felt his heart racing in his chest. You looked up at him with a smile. When he noticed you staring he laughed, and it made your entire body feel warm.

“I’m glad you came back,” he lightly traced his thumb over your knuckles as he turned his attention to the movie.

You smiled as you looked over at the television, “Yea, me too.”

#soa #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy imagine #soa imagine #juice ortiz #juice ortiz x reader #juice ortiz x you #juice ortiz imagine #juan carlos #juan carlos ortiz #multichapter #chapter 3 #you came back #my writing #fanfiction #jax teller #opie winston #drabblesmc

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nevaryadl · 3 years

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Father’s Day fluff cw: briefly mentioned blood, childhood injury

"Hey, Hanzo, do you remember when I was a kid and during train I got flipped and fell and hit my knee pretty hard?"

"Yes, why?"

It was Father's Day and the kombat kids (and several others once they had the holiday explained to them) had wanted to treat the fathers of the krew to a cookout to celebrate them. Hanzo had been pestered by Takeda to go and found himself sitting away from most everyone that was treating it like a low-key party, enjoying the by proxy company. Takeda had joined him after a moment of standing with Jacqui and Jax.

He did in fact remember that incident that Takeda had brought up, because when Takeda had gone down knee first, the skin had broken from the impact and there was a fair amount of blood. Takeda, still young, had cried. His sparring partner, also still young, had also started crying. Hanzo had gently shushed them both and soothed their crying before helping Takeda limping to the room that he kept the medicine supplies and had cleaned the blood from Takeda's leg and knee, looked the split over and deemed a bandage good enough, and wrapped Takeda's knee. Some ice for the swelling and Takeda was fine. But he was still sniffly, so Hanzo sat with him for awhile, soothing him through the lingering pain and embarrassment at being flipped so hard. It had been one of the first moments where Hanzo had felt like a father to Takeda and felt parental affection towards him.

"Nothin', just glad you put a band aid on my knee," Takeda grinned before walking off again and leaving Hanzo puzzled.

Regardless of the strange interaction, Hanzo had a good time. He got to see everyone that he did not get to see frequently, got to see the kombat kids and other 'children' of the father like figures of the group have a day. He was especially fond to see Liu Kang and Kung Lao making sure to show their affection to their father figure Raiden, and then the kombat kids showed their affection to him because he was a grandfather figure to them. Everyone was enamored to see Frost forgo her usually touch aversion to hug Kuai Liang in front of everyone to show her affection to the man that had become a father figure to her since joining the Lin Kuei (and Kuai Liang never got the beaming smile off his face at the display).

Towards the end of the evening, Takeda once again approached him.

"Yes, Takeda?" He asked.

"Okay, so you know how when my dad showed up, I like... immediately picked a fight with him?" Takeda said. "Well part of that was my being pissed right the hell off at him for leaving me and then coming back into my life at like the worst time. But also part of the reason that I got so pissed at him was because... I didn't want him to take me away from you. Because you had become a dad to me."

Hanzo blinked. That was certainly a... interesting bit of information. He had always assumed that Takeda's (well deserved) anger towards his father had been entirely out of Kenshi leaving him and then suddenly trying to reinstate himself into Takeda's life. But this was... this was touching, in a way.

"And like we're working on making things right, me and my dad. But you'll always still be a dad to me, so... Happy Father's day!" Takeda beamed, before lurching forward into a hug.

And, of course, Hanzo hugged his son back.

#mk #mortal kombat #Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)#Hanzo Hasashi #Takahashi Takeda #*waves vaguely* there's a number of people there but this one-shot focuses on them so they won't be tagged #fluff #cw: blood #cw: childhood injury

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whisperlullaby · 3 years

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Just Say It And I’m Yours- Ch. 4

Summary: You and Steve decide to go on an adventure that ends in a new revelation.

Warnings: Trespassing, explicit language, angst, pining

Words: 1619

A/N: Okay so we’re getting into it now. Thanks to @river-soul for beta reading this for me and @dreamslikeaheartbeat for the BEAUTIFUL banner! Um.....I hope you all like it! If you are under 18 please do not interact with me or this story. This chapter is in Steve’s POV

The credits started rolling on this week's movie. Steve popped the last dumpling in his mouth as you let out a big stretch. After you let out a satisfied groan, you started searching through the take-out containers.

“Are there any more dumplings, Steve?”

“Uh, I don’t think so.” Steve swallowed hard, almost choking.

You narrowed your eyes at him. “You ate the last dumpling didn’t you, asshole?”

Steve laughed as you playfully swatted his chest. He grabbed your hand and held it on his chest for a moment, rubbing soft circles on the back of your hand. You let out a content sigh as you withdrew your hand to find some fortune cookies. Steve looked at the time and noticed it was still a bit early, he was going to suggest another movie when you spoke up.

“Hey Steve, wanna go on an adventure?” You said through a mouthful of fortune cookie.

Steve cocked an eyebrow at you. “What kind of adventure?”

“The kind that’s a surprise,” you wiggled your eyebrows at him. “So, are you in?”

Steve sighed heavily and gave you a sly smirk. You knew you had him in the palm of your hand, he would follow you anywhere.

“Great! Get your coat, a flashlight, some band-aids, and maybe a granola bar. I’ll meet you in the car.”

You jumped up to grab Steve’s keys and ran out of his apartment as he shouted after you, “Why do we need band-aids?!”

After about an hour-long drive out of the city, you pulled off on an abandoned access road and stopped in the middle of nowhere. Steve watched as you unbuckled yourself, grab the flashlight and your backpack, and hop out of the car.

“Are ya comin’, Cap?” You laughed in excitement.

Letting out a heavy sigh Steve stepped out of the car and followed you. He kept his distance behind you as you led the way, keeping an eye out for any trouble. After about a quarter-mile, you came across a chain-linked fence and an abandoned factory. Steve surveyed the scene as you tossed the backpack and flashlight over the top of the fence and started to climb.

“Y/N I’m not sure we’re supposed to be here,” Steve whispered as you scaled the fence.

When you asked him to go on an adventure he didn’t think you meant trespassing in an old warehouse an hour away. This didn’t seem safe and all he could think about was making sure you didn’t get hurt. Now he was looking around anxiously, hoping you would give up and you both could find a diner somewhere and get some dessert. He knew that would never happen though. Not when you got that determined look in your eye.

“Sure Cap, you’ve never in your life done anything remotely illegal. Never aided and abetted a fugitive, or lied on your draft papers in the ‘40s, or I don’t know, destroyed an entire airport?” You teased.

Steve shook his head. “That was a long time ago, things are different now. I can’t just trespass for fun.”

You landed on the other side of the fence and shrugged your shoulders. “Well, you can either follow me or stay here, alone, in the dark. I’m pretty sure I saw wolves on our way out here, but whatever you want to do. I’m heading inside!”

With that, you bounced backwards towards the abandoned building shooting Steve a gaze full of mischief. Steve huffed and raked a hand over his face. He thought you were absolutely out of your mind but he would follow you straight through fire as long as you kept looking at him like that.

He climbed the fence and jogged over to you. You reached out and grabbed his hand to drag him along, and as your fingers intertwined with his Steve couldn’t help but notice how effortlessly your hand fit in his.

“What are you smiling at Cap?” You cocked an eyebrow over your shoulder and giggled.

“Just thinking how completely insane this is, but as long as you’re happy,” Steve responded.

“Damn straight as long as I’m happy, now come up and pick up the pace Rogers! I thought you had super stamina or something,” you joked.

Leading him further into the building, you expertly dodged the debris and made a show of looking in each room with the flashlight like you were on one of those cop shows. Steve thought you were the most free-spirited person he ever met. The further you led him through the building the further he found himself falling for you.

“You’re out of your mind doll. We should probably get out of here before we get arrested for trespassing.” Steve tugged on your arm causing you to trip and stumble back into him.

You pressed your free hand to his chest and looked up at him. Steve's heart started racing as you stared up at him with your brilliant eyes that seemed to glow in the low light. His eyes flickered down to your mouth as your lips parted slightly. He started to lean into you and was close enough to feel your warm breath on his lips. Watching your eyes flutter shut in anticipation, he wrapped his other hand around your waist and pulled you flush against his body. Closing his eyes he could hear your heart start to race as your breath caught in your throat.

“HEY! What are you two doing!”

Both of your eyes snapped open.

“Run!” You shouted.

As you sprinted through the building with Steve in tow you were laughing like a hyena. Once you both exited the building Steve spotted a piece of fence that seemed to be pulled apart and beelined for the opening. When you made it to the fence Steve let go of your hand and pulled the fence open a bit more for his large frame to fit through. He slid through and reached back to pull you into the opening. As you started making your way back to the car you jumped on Steve’s back.

“Come on Steve get us out of here!” You hollered.

Steve grabbed your legs under your knees and jogged towards where you parked the car while you rested your head on his shoulder. Steve felt you nuzzle into his shoulder and your breathing evened out by the time he made it back to the car. He gently set you in the passenger's seat realizing you were out cold as he started the engine and began to pull back onto the road. Steve was completely envious of your ability to fall asleep anywhere smiling at the memory of last week in the park when you had just gotten ice cream and the second you sat on the bench to eat it you fell asleep on his shoulder. The ice cream went everywhere and when you woke up you threw puppy dog eyes at him until he bought you a new one.

He watched you while you slept off the adrenaline rush thinking about the almost kiss. He was completely captivated by your spirit. Your ability to help anyone who needed it without a second thought left him feeling nostalgic. Whenever Steve was around you he felt a little more like he did when he knew who he was and what he was fighting for. He knew he needed to talk to you about the almost kiss.

About 45 minutes into the drive, Steve’s phone started vibrating and he answered it in a whisper.

“Hey Buck, everything okay?” He glanced down to make sure you were still asleep.

“Yeah but we kind of need you to come back. I know you’re supposed to be taking a break, but we have a lead on a new Hydra group and need your help.” Bucky said exasperatedly.

Steve sighed. He knew this is what it would be like for him, a life resigned to fighting wars. As much as he enjoyed his time away from The Avengers he knew he would always be pulled back. He couldn’t bring you into that, he wouldn’t subject you to even more violence on his behalf. You deserved a normal, stable, happy life. One that was lost to him when he went into the ice all those years ago. If you were with him you would never have that and he knew how desperately he wished for the chance to live his life. He wouldn’t place that same burden on you.

“Alright Buck, I’ll come to the compound in the morning for the briefing.”

He hung up as he pulled up to your apartment. He gently caressed your cheek, relishing the feeling of your skin on his for a moment before you stirred.

“I’m up!” You snorted.

Steve smiled. “Just in time too, this is your stop.”

You looked out the window unclicking your seatbelt, you were biting your lip when you turned to him. “I think we should talk about what happened back there.”

Steve took in a deep breath. He knew this was the right thing to do, but God it didn’t make it any easier.

“I think we both just got caught up in the adrenaline. It can mean nothing, we’re still friends.”

Steve didn’t miss the way your breath caught or how tears sprang in your eyes. You cleared your throat and threw him a brilliant smile.

“Whatever you say, Cap,” you ruffled his hair, “best friends it is.”

You pushed open the door and slammed it shut. Steve waited for you to enter the building before he slammed his head on the steering wheel. This was for the best, he needed to protect you, his little spitfire.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #captain america x reader #captain america x you #marvel fanfiction

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mrsalwayswrite · 3 years

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Say You’ll Stay - Chapter 8

Fury/Band of Brothers Crossover Fic

Guys, I’m so sorry its taken me so long to get this chapter out. My muse abandoned me and my laptop was being weird. But here we are! Let me know what you think!

Tag List: @happyveday @alwaysindecemberfeels @god-of-dramatic-death-scenes @saritanotserena

Series Masterlist // Next Chapter

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The sunrise lit up the morning sky with an array of beautiful, pastel colors. Anna could only hope it was a good sign for the day. She rubbed a hand over her tired eyes as she carefully walked over the rubble on the city's streets, dodging icy puddles and mud. Gene was going to be quite upset with her later, but she tried not to think about that now.

Quickly, she hurried up the creaky steps of the old two-story home. It looked similar to most of the other buildings but its door was dirty and faded red with a rickety looking porch only half standing. She made a mental note to thank Boyd for his surprisingly clear directions, otherwise she knew she would have been wandering for a while and on these streets, that was far from safe. As quietly as possible, she pushed open the door and stepped inside. She had been invited here, actually forced to come here if Boyd's look yesterday said anything, but she still felt like an invader. The idea of setting foot inside the men's barracks was something her mind fervently refused to acknowledge; it just was not even a possibility in her mind. Though this building was not technically an army barrack in the literal sense, she still felt like an intruder because it was sleeping/housing quarters for the men.

Her grandmother would be furious if she ever found out Anna entered the men's quarters…. especially letting herself in. The thought tampered down Anna's nerves slightly as she thought of the horrified look on the elderly woman's face, if she ever discovered this. It lightened her mood for a brief moment.

In the room to her left, a soldier sprawled on a mangy looking couch with an arm thrown over his eyes. If she had not been able to see his chest rising and falling, she would have gone to check his pulse for how still he was otherwise. In that same room another soldier sat in a high-backed chair with his head tipped back, eyes closed and snoring like a chainsaw. Not recognizing either man, she guessed they were from one of the other tank crews. The sounds of movement and soft talking to her right had her quietly turning in that direction, hoping to allow the soldiers their well-deserved sleep.

She startled when a head popped around the corner, covering her mouth quickly before a scream could escape. The man had a face that reminded her vaguely of a bulldog, thick jaw and deep-set eyes. He scanned her for a moment in a way that felt more like an assessment than any kind of leering.

He grunted then jerked his head back the way he had come. "This way." He muttered only to disappear just as quickly as he appeared.

Through her heart still hammered in her chest from the unexpected startle, she took a deep breath in an attempt to steel her nerves. Sudden, frightened screaming would most likely get her or someone else shot. It was too early to be shot in her opinion. Best she try to suppress any girly screams for now. Or at least until after she got some sleep.

She followed the man around the corner only to encounter what most likely used to be a kitchen but was missing some key utilities. The faded, peeling wallpaper only added to the desolate feel. Just off center and close to a window facing the river was a table with three men sitting around it. Two others leaned against a countertop, mugs in hand. What quiet conversation had been going before her arrival ceased as she came into view.

"Anna?"

"Good morning." She attempted to smile but worried it came out more as a grimace. The need for sleep was beginning to claw at her mind.

"Sit down," Boyd immediately stood up, gesturing to his chair at the table. "You want some coffee? I reckon we got some left."

"That would be lovely, thank you." Knowing she probably would lose the fight, she went ahead and took his seat. Something she had learned about Boyd Swan over the past almost two weeks she had known him, he was a gentleman but beyond that…. he was stubborn.

Don leaned back in the chair next to her, cigarette between his lips. "Morning." He stated in a gravelly voice, lingering traces of sleep apparent in the sound. He must not have been awake long.

"Good morning." She flashed him a quick smile, willing the warmth to dissipate from her cheeks, or at least hoping no one noticed the blush. This schoolgirl crush on him was ridiculous, and she knew it. A peek of those blue eyes and her heart beat a drumroll in her chest that rivaled any band.

Boyd set a tin cup in front of her, steam tantalizingly drifting out of it. "Didn't think you'd be here this early. Why ain't you sleepin'?" Boyd asked.

She took a sip, the warmth delightful even if the taste was less than desirable. "Um, well, I'm supposed to be but I wanted to see y’all before, or you might come busting down the door again." She directed the last part to Boyd with a mock glare. He was lucky none of the medics carried guns with how he burst into the aid station demanding to see her.

He shrugged unapologetically. "Just wanted to make sure you was alright. We didn't know where you disappeared to. I see you got some new clothes."

"Yeah," she glanced down at the ODs she now wore. They were ill-fitting, clearly meant for a man, not a short nurse. She had to roll up the hems of the trousers and the sleeves multiple times and she swore she still looked like a child playing dress-up in their parent's clothes. On the other hand, they were far warmer than her nurse’s torn uniform and right now, that was more important. "Gene let me have one of their spare medic uniforms."

"Mmm… explains the patch here." Don touched the screaming eagle patch over her upper arm.

It was an innocent, teasing gesture but it still shot sparks through her system. Her eyes jumped up to meet his lingering gaze. He gave her a quick wink before leaning his chair back. The warmth of a blush reappeared on her cheeks. Quickly, she took a sip of her watery coffee, well aware of the others sitting or standing around quietly in the room.

"Gene? That medic with the southern accent?" Boyd asked, leaning against the wall nearby. His question was innocent enough but the scrutinizing look on his face said otherwise.

"Boyd…"

"He just seemed real protective of you, that's all."

She groaned, setting her cup down on the table and dropping her face into her hands. A few chuckles drifted from around the room but she ignored them. Actually, now that she was sitting still with her eyes closed, she could feel a wave of sleep threatening to crash over her and pull her under, with or without her consent. The coffee should have been helping to keep her awake but at this point, the warmth in her belly only made her want to curl up like a cat and doze off.

A conversation picked up around her, two of the men in the room speaking in a low drone. She recognized the sound of the man with the bulldog face, he made some kind of remark that had Don chuckle next to her before replying. Her mind refused to process the words though. The conversation became a background noise as she teetered on the edge of sleep and wakefulness. She should get back to the aid station. She needed to get back to the aid station to help Roe. Yet her body refused to comply.

"Anna."

The soft whisper of her name caught her attention from the sleep-induced haze. She turned her head slightly to meet Don's concerned gaze.

"When did you last sleep?"

"Mmm?"

He huffed at her noncommittal answer. "Did you sleep at all last night?"

"No…. I stayed up to cover so some of the other medics could sleep. I'm fine. I should probably head back."

"Doll, I just watched you fall asleep sitting right there."

"No… I was just… resting my eyes. I should get back."

"Like hell you are." He raised his gaze to look over her head, his volume rising from the whisper they had been speaking in. "Boyd, take Anna upstairs and let her have one of the cots or bed. We'll take her back once she gets some sleep."

"No, it's fine…." She weakly tried to argue but snapped her mouth shut when he turned his gaze back to her.

"If you don't walk up those stairs right now, I'll throw you over my shoulder and carry you up them." Don stated, then took a hit of his cigarette. The statement should have sounded like a joke but with his matter-of-fact tone and the way he watched her, Anna knew he was serious.

"Come on," Boyd put a hand on her shoulder. "We was gonna ask you to check Norman anyway."

That caught her attention. She whipped around to look up at Boyd. "Is he alright? What happened?"

"He's fine. Think he's got a cold.... maybe a fever too."

With that information, she more readily followed the gunner up towards the nearby stairs and up to the second floor. There were four doors in the hallway but he led her to the furthest one on the right. Inside was a bed big enough for two people, a large dresser, nightstand and a short couch off in the corner. What immediately caught her attention though was the figure lying in bed, curled up like a child and coughing with a dry and scratchy sound. Her own exhaustion was forgotten as she darted past Boyd to drop next to the figure under the thick quilt.

"Hey, Norman."

"Anna?" He blearily opened his red-rimmed, glassy eyes. He sniffled, wiping his nose on the edge of his sleeve.

"How are you feeling?"

"Ok…"

"Liar." She teased, running a hand through his hair gently after feeling his forehead. He felt mildly warm but nothing she was too concerned with yet. That cough had her more worried. "What all hurts, Norm?"

"Boyd thinks it's just a cold."

"I know. Running nose, scratchy throat, slight fever… anything else? Headache? Fatigue?"

"Uh huh." He mumbled, eyes closing as he relaxed under her touch, sleep guiding him away from awareness.

He looked so painfully young, lying in the bed. It broke her heart to know this was someone who was forced to kill people on a regular basis. He should be back home and going to school or flirting with his crush or playing baseball with friends. He should not be here. None of them should be here.

Yet here they were.

She looked around her and found his canteen laying just underneath the bed. Picking it up she was pleased it was at least half full.

"Norm, I want you to drink some of this before you fall back asleep. Can you do that for me, please?"

With a painful groan, he shifted enough to drink a couple of mouthfuls of the water before handing it back to her and slinking back down onto the bed. She stood up but was surprised when his hand darted out to grab hers.

"Don't go yet." He said just barely above a whisper. It was the pleading look in his eyes that convinced her.

"Ok, sweetie," she cooed, running her hand over his sweaty forehead again, "I'll stay a little longer."

She looked back over at Boyd, hovering near the door with an expression on his face she could not distinguish.

"Can you fill this back up and get him some of those crackers from your rations?"

Boyd nodded, moving to take the canteen from her hand. "Sure thing. Anythin' else you need?"

"No, I'll stay just for a little bit. Can you come get me in an hour or two? I really need to head back to the aid station."

"You also need to rest. Those bags under your eyes look like permanent bruises now."

"I will." She snapped then immediately felt bad and sighed. "I'm sorry, I will. I promise."

"S'alright. I'll come back in an hour."

"Thank you." She smiled, even if it was only a twitch of her lips. As Boyd walked out, she knelt back down next to the young soldier. His eyes were already closed, breathing slowing as slumber took hold once again. She rested her head on the side of the bed, carding her fingers through his hair. A hacking cough overtook him, startling them both. Once he settled, she continued her ministrations, humming softly. She hoped it was just a cold. That it was nothing more severe.

She made a mental note that when Boyd came her in an hour, she would make sure to ask Gene if anyone had found tea or honey laying around.

*****

Don watched Boyd and Anna go up the stairs. When he turned back, he saw a couple of the men's gaze lingering on the stairs.

"The nurse is off limits." He stated with such finality that had at least one of the men's heads snap towards him. As if his statement sealed an invisible decree, the men in the kitchen turned back to whatever they were doing prior.

Davis looked at him from his spot across the room, leaning against the kitchen counter. "She yours?"

"I thought you don't participate in gossip?"

The other tank commander shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee.

Don ignored the question, even if he could feel Davis' gaze frequently drifting to him. He focused on the map on the table before him. It was not necessary for him to study it but the action had become a habit of his whenever his crew moved to a new location. Knowing what other towns were nearby, rivers, roads, anything that could be of use later, he tried to memorize it. At this point, he figured by the time the war was over he would have most of Europe and North Africa geography permanently seared into his brain.

A couple minutes later, Boyd came back down and returned to his seat next to Don. He scrubbed his face with his hands and sighed deeply. "She's workin' herself too hard. Looks like she ain't slept in a week."

Don kept his thoughts to himself but he was loathed to agree. Exhaustion hung off her like a heavy cape making her feet drag as she walked. Witnessing how easily she fell asleep just sitting at the table did not help her case.

"Told her I'd be back up in an hour to get 'er."

Don raised an eyebrow, looking at his friend. "Are you going to?"

Boyd smirked. "I'll check on her but if she's sleepin', I'm gonna leave her be. Lord knows she needs it." He paused, glancing towards the stairs. "I'd bet my own Bible she's asleep right now."

"Mmm… Norman alright?"

"He's sleepin'. She's takin' care of him."

He was not all surprised. Since they had arrived in Haguenau, Norman's health had plummeted. Don worried for his newest crew member. The poor kid looked miserable and these were certainly less than ideal conditions for someone sick. The kid had a bed and a roof over his bed…. he would pull through. He had too. Don would not even consider the alternative. Especially with Anna now looking after him. The small nurse would mother the hell out of whatever is wrong with the kid. With a smirk at the thought, Don went back to studying the map.

Several hours later, he headed up the stairs to the room he shared with Boyd and Norman.

A runner had come from Captain Winters requesting his presence at noon at HQ. Don agreed, sending the runner back on his way. Boyd met his annoyed gaze and they shared a mutual sigh. So much for them having a reprieve before being sent back out.

Up the stairs he went and down the short hallway. The floorboards creaked under his boots; a sudden memory of his childhood home crossed his mind. Whenever he tried to sneak out of this bedroom as a child, he never could get far because of the damn loud floorboards.

He opened the door slowly, not wanting to startle the room's occupants. As he registered what he saw, it brought a small smile to his lips and he paused at the sight. Norman was still curled up asleep on the bed, mouth open and breathing loud. On the other side of the bed, Anna lay on her side, hands tucked under her face, hair a wild mess around her. Boyd had mentioned when he came up to check on them, he had helped move Anna to the bed with her barely rousing. Clearly more tired than any of them assumed.

Instead of waking her up like he intended to, he found himself closing the door quietly and just watching the two sleep. Yes, he knew it was creepy and if Boyd knew, the gunner would rightly smack him in the back of the head. Would not be the first time after Don did something stupid.

War brings people together in the strangest of way. After the…. accident...he thought he would never have family again. That because of his stupid mistakes, he was destined to be alone forever. Which he rightly deserved. But then he went to war. He was thrown into a tank with four other men who quickly became brothers.

If he needed to be distracted from commands and his own inner demons, he knew sitting down with Gordo would distract him for a while with his crazy stories of home and the shenanigans he did as a teenager. Gordo always had a joke or story to share to lighten the mood.

Grady respected Don as a leader but never let him run him over; he could just as easily return Don's anger-fueled fire as follow his commands. It had taken some time for them to trust and respect one another, their tempers too similar. Now there was an underlying understanding between the two of them, that they took the worst of the jobs, that they would carry the most blood on their hands to spare the others. If Don had to get into a fist fight, there was no one else he would want more by his side.

Then there was the man who had become more than a blood brother, a confidante, a best friend, a moral compass. Even in the first week of tank school, Boyd had looked over at Don one day, said he was proud to be by his side and thought Don was a good man. Don had laughed in Boyd's face but somehow it sealed a pact between them. Boyd's calm demeanor helped keep Don's temper down and even when it did flare up like a roman candle firework, Boyd was always there to rein it in. Neither of them drank so while the others went off to drink away the night, Don and Boyd found themselves sitting together silently and both were more than alright with that.

Norman reminded Don of his little brother so much it physically hurt sometimes. He despised himself that it was HIS fault the boy was forced to lose that innocence he carried. It was HIM that made Norman kill. But this was war, and if they wanted to survive, they needed to be merciless. Don knew he overcompensated by making sure Norman ate and rested when they could. He showed the young soldier how to disassemble and reassemble his rifle, how to stab and slash, how to survive. He refused to let the boy die even through his own stupid mistakes. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, the idea had been planted that making sure Norman survived this goddamn war would be his penance for his own failures.

Before two weeks ago, these were the four people that mattered most to him. Even more than what was left of his blood relations. Losing Red, Norman's predecessor, had felt like a knife to the heart, even if he masked it for all to see. He refused to let the others see him grieve, he had to be strong for them.

Now though, Anna had slipped past his heart's barriers and settled there in a place that he had not realized was empty until her presence filled the prior void spot. She remained in his thoughts more than he cared to admit. Her soft touch, her gentle spirit, those gemstone eyes, that faint scent… it all lingered with him like a summer's heat that no matter what you tried to do, day or night, you could not escape. He swore she was a siren, come to torment him. His life was proof enough he did not deserve someone like her, he never would deserve someone like her. She was gentleness and kindness wrapped up in a person. He was wrath and mistakes that cost people their lives.

Yet still her presence persisted.

Shaking his head, he pulled himself out of his thoughts and moved to her side. He hated to wake her. She looked so peaceful.

"Anna." He whispered. "Anna, wake up."

Overly aware of his actions, he squatted down to be eye level with her. He reached a hand over and brushed some loose strands of hair off her cheek. The sunlight coming through the dirty window made her red hair shine. "Come on, darling. Time to wake up."

He was unsure where the pet name came from but once it left his lips, it felt right. Before he could think too long about it, she began to stir.

She sucked in a sharp breath. Her eyelids fluttered open but once the sunlight hit, they slammed closed once again. "No…" she whimpered, scrunching her nose up in dislike of either the sun or waking up. Either way, he was positive he had never seen anything as adorable before… and he never used the word adorable.

Oh, he was so fucked now.

He chuckled. "Come on, Anna."

"What time is it?"

"Almost noon."

She peeked an eye open at him. "I told Boyd to wake me in an hour."

"Yeah, well we thought you needed some sleep."

Grumbling something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like "overprotective mother hen", she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and sat up.

Movement drew Don's gaze over to Norman who was shifting around. His eyes blearily opened; it took a few seconds to come out of sleep. Once his mind seemed to realize Anna was still half laying in the bed less than a foot away from him, he sat up like he had been shocked with electricity.

"Don, I swear nothing happened. We just sleeping, I mean… I don't think…" a bout of coughing interrupted his frantic and hasty explanation.

At that, the tank commander laughed loudly. "I know, Norman." He shifted back towards the door, watching the two amused. Anna's cheeks were pink now but she gave no other indication of hearing Norman's sleepy mumbling.

"How are you feeling, Norm?" She asked, placing the back of her hand on his forehead.

"Alright, I guess."

"Think you can come down and eat?"

He nodded sluggishly. They both rolled out the bed, him moving a bit slower. The whole way out of the door and down the stairs, Anna walked next to him, occasionally putting a hand on his shoulder or giving a word of encouragement.

Don led the way back down, still smirking about Norman's hasty and confused comment. He would have to remember it to rib the kid later on when he was feeling better. Finally making it to the kitchen area, they deposited Norman at the table next to Gordo, who was nursing a cup of coffee. Boyd meandered over from reading on one of the couches in the common room, glasses still perched on his nose.

As soon as Anna saw him, she stomped over and punched him in the arm. "You were supposed to wake me up in an hour."

Boyd winced and tried to shuffle out of range of another strike. "Well, you looked tired."

"What every girl wants to hear, Boyd, thank you."

Don was not the only one laughing at the interaction.

Anna blushed as she seemed to notice the others about the area but ignored them, walking back over to Norman. "You just rest. I'll come back and check on you tonight. I'll see if they have anything to help at the aid station."

The kid nodded then started coughing again.

"Don't worry, we'll take care of him." Gordo said, wrapping an arm around him and giving her a quick wink.

She smiled back, cheeks still pink from her prior blush. "Thanks, Gordo."

Don figured it was time to speak up now. "Let's go, Anna. I'll walk you back." He was surprised when she followed him without hesitation after a quick goodbye to those from his crew.

Don and Davis were lucky to have found an unoccupied house on the western side of Haguenau for their crews, further away from the river and the Germans across it. Binkowski and Peterson and their crews occupied the building just behind them. Here they did not have to worry so much about the frequent mortars and snipers. Though some of the holes in the floorboards were concerning, but it was a roof over their heads.

The tank commander and nurse walked in silence past the other houses and buildings towards the aid station. The frost, hidden in the shadows, crunched under their boots. An unusual silence permeated the air, no shouting or sound of gunfire coming from the river. It made Don wary and he slowed down his typical purposeful stride to match hers, making sure to keep his body between hers and the direction of the river. He knew the action would be useless against a mortar but it helped alleviate some of his worry.

They stopped at the back door to the aid station, the couple brick steps still intact, leading up to a small stoop and the back, wooden door. Don remained on the muddy ground while Anna stepped up onto the first step then turned around to face him.

"Thank you for walking me back."

He hummed, glancing further down the road. "You make sure to eat something now. Can't have you wasting away."

"Isn't that my job to take care of others?" She said cheekily.

"Yeah, doesn't hurt to have someone looking out for you too."

It was a simple, truthful statement. If war taught anything, it was the need for others to watch your back both in dodging bullets and to share meals. War and death were malicious bastards, dragging down anyone into a black hole of melancholy before they could even realize they slipped in the first place. Yet as soon as the words left his mouth, the weight of them hit him firmly in the chest. Instead of meaning it as a comrade or friend, he realized he meant something more. Someone to look out for her in more than just the little things, but in everything. Shit.

Her head snapped up, her gaze meeting his in a way that sent a tingle down his spine. Neither one moved as they stared at one another. The world threatened to fade away around them. She was beautiful, it was a fact. Even in ODs that threatened to swallow her, she still managed to radiate warmth and kindness. He had caught more than one soldier eyeing her up. It burned him up on the inside but he had no right to fight them over their actions. She was not his…. even if he was beginning to wish she was. She was too good for him. Too pure. Too beautiful. His presence would only taint her.

He needed a distraction, something to break the hold they both seemed stuck in. He blurted the first thing that came to mind. "You still have the knife on you?"

She blinked rapidly as if awakening from a dream. "Yes." She stuttered then leaned over slightly to lift her right pants leg up.

He looked down and noticed it strapped to her lower leg, just above her boot. "Good."

Even though the conversation halted, it seemed neither one wanted to move away. Her eyes held his once again as if waiting for something. A sign? A word? A fucking billboard with neon lights? Hell if he knew. The problem was, he could feel it too. There was something shifting between them and it both terrified and elated him.

Before he could stop himself, he reached out and slipped an erratic strand of hair behind her ear. His thumb trailing down her jawline after, her soft skin like velvet against his own roughness. Fuck he had been dying to touch her again. Instead of alleviating the need, now it seemed to burn stronger in him.

"Don…" she whispered as his thumb hinted at touching her lower lip.

The way she said it in that breathy tone, the light in her eyes and the blush on her cheeks, all of it combined sent a bolt of lightning through him that threatened any self-control he had. He wanted to pull her small frame against him, to taste her and see if her lips were as soft as they looked, if that heavenly scent that surrounded her came from her skin or hair. He wanted her. Fucking hell, he wanted her. And if the way her eyes were dilated and her breathing uneven, perhaps she wanted him too.

The door beside them suddenly opened, jolting them both back to reality. Whatever moment they had, dashed away as a paratrooper glared at them then pushed past them.

"I should…."

"Yeah," he said, pulling out a cigarette. He needed to keep his hands busy otherwise he would be tempted to pull her against him. "I'll send someone to come get you later."

"That's not necessary."

"Maybe, but I sure as hell don't like you walking around by yourself."

"Fine." She stood up on her toes and brushed a quick kiss to his jawline, an innocent ode to the last time she kissed him. "Be safe, Sergeant." She whispered against his skin then quickly turned and ducked inside the aid station.

"Damn it." He muttered after his brain finally decided to restart. Such a simple touch should not make him lose all sense. He kicked a loose rock, sticking the cigarette between his lips and lighting it. The smoke curled in his lungs, helping solidify him into reality. He glanced back at the door, briefly wondering what it would be like to storm into the building and kiss her like he wanted too. But before he could do something stupid, he headed towards the regiment HQ, the lingering hint of lilacs danced in the corners of his mind.

#Fury movie #fury fanfic #fury 2014 #band of brothers #Band of Brothers fandom #band of brothers fanfic #Don Wardaddy Collier #Don Collier #Don Wardaddy collier x OFC #don collier x OFC #boyd bible swan #boyd swan #norman machine ellison #Trini Gordo Garcia #grady coon-ass travis #mzwrites

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maria-scribbles · 4 years

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loyalty’s all i got | part two

three years ago, you had it all: great friends, good grades, and an almost perfect relationship with your boyfriend, jj. it all came crashing down when your mom relocated your family to california for work and you were forced to trade the outer banks for malibu, leaving your broken heart behind in the place you were just starting to think of as home. now you're back in town for college and to pick up the pieces, hoping to make things right again with your friends and the boy you never stopped loving.

word count: 8.6k+

ship: jj maybank x female!reader, pogue friendship

warnings n stuff: angst angst angst all around (with a happy ending tho!!), the reader being a v. sad girl, mentions of anxiety/depression, failed long distance relationship, drifting apart, self-inflicted loneliness/isolation, the classic trope of 'they broke up but they're still in love with each other' that gives me feels, swearing (it's not my writing unless someone says 'fuck' at least once), reconciliation/mended relationships, traditional cheesy rom-com rain scene 'cause i'm a Dramatic Hoe™

a/n: and here's the second and final part of this looooong two-shot! thank you all so much for reading and i hope you enjoy the finale even though i low key kind of hate it 🙃. fun fact: surfrider beach is a real place in malibu known for its great waves :) also i apologize for how long this took to post, i dropped my laptop and the screen broke so i had to wait for it to get fixed lmao. unbetaed as usual, any mistakes are my b.

~masterlist~

part two: like a ghost that no one knew

When you said goodbye to your friends three years ago, you should've known things would never be the same again. You were sixteen, still so young and naïve and full of an almost childlike hope that kept you from seeing the obvious: life wasn't fair. Sometimes, you could be holding all the right cards and still lose the game.

It should've been easy. You had a video chat schedule already figured out, promises of daily texts and Snapchats, a boyfriend willing -enthusiastically willing, in fact- to go long distance and make it work no matter what 'cause you both agreed that what you had was something worth fighting for. You and your friends had weathered many storms together, what was one more? It could've been easy but you underestimated just how cruel California would be.

You traded one coast for the other and watched the sun set over the Pacific alone when you would've given anything to watch it rise over the Atlantic with your friends. It hurt to surf solo but you did it anyway, even though it felt like a damn sucker punch each time you caught yourself scanning the sand for JJ and his proud smile when you successfully caught bigger and bigger waves at Surfrider Beach.

Long distance was hard. You had days where all you wanted to do was lay on your bed for hours, safely curled up in his arms as he ran his fingers through your hair but you had to settle for his voice over the phone and one of his shirts from your closet instead. You missed everything about him: his pretty eyes that looked like the clearest ocean, the cheeky grin he'd send your way after making a stupid joke that had you affectionately rolling your eyes in exasperation, that adorable flush that spread across his face without fail each and every time you said you loved him. You longed for his constant affection; the way he always wanted to keep you close somehow, his arm around your shoulders, hand in your back pocket, or fingers entwined with yours; how he could never go a day without kissing you. Being apart was nothing short of torture.

"I fucking miss you." He said late one night during a rare FaceTime session -his phone was a piece of shit so he had to 'borrow' John B's whenever he could- and you smiled despite the knife twisting itself deeper and deeper into your heart as you played with the fraying sleeve of his old sweatshirt you wore.

"I fucking miss you more, J." You whispered back, giggling quietly when he scrunched up his nose in playful skepticism.

"Yeah, I don't think so, babe. There's no way."

"Yes, way!"

Although it hurt like hell, you imagined being tangled up with him in the hammock hanging in the Chateau's yard under the North Carolina sky -the light from the moon would turn his blond hair a pale silver as he grinned down at you and cupped your cheek in his hand, closing that final distance between you for a kiss that'd fuel the fire racing through your veins- and you let that fleeting happiness carry you through the night, long after you said goodbye. You fell asleep with your phone in your hand, unaware that your mother had been listening from the other side of your closed door.

You'd been distant from her and your dad in the months since the move, obviously going out of your way to avoid them both by spending all your spare time surfing at the beach, coming home well past sunset and heading straight to your room without a word. They'd taught you forgiveness wasn't something to be given willingly -it had to be earned- and since neither of them had done anything worthy to deserve an absolution, you simply pretended they didn't exist and let yourself stew in your justified anger.

Until the morning after your video date with JJ, they'd wisely given you your space so you were pretty blind sighted to find them both waiting for you at the dining room table, one of your dad's famous cinnamon rolls on a plate set in front of your usual chair. You paused in the middle of tying one of your boyfriend's worn bandanas in your hair before abruptly continuing toward the front door, acting like you didn't see the hopeful looks on their faces that made guilt slowly start to burrow its way into your chest.

"Y/N, wait," Your dad sprung from his seat and reached his hand out toward your elbow, his face falling when you instantly pulled back and crossed your arms. "Please, let's just talk for a second."

"I'm gonna be late for the bus," You lied and tried for the door again, sighing in frustration when he blocked your path and ushered you toward the table where your mom was sitting, biting her thumbnail. The guilt burrowed deeper: you thought she kicked that habit years ago but there she was, chewing her nail to shreds and it was all because of you (the empty satisfaction you felt knowing you were the cause of her stress made you hate yourself just a little more.).

"Jellybean, don't worry about that. I'll drive you."

You bristled at the old nickname but sat in the chair your dad pulled out for you anyway. The smell of the cinnamon roll he pushed your way made your mouth water but you refused to eat and kept your eyes down as you played with the stack of bracelets adorning your wrist. "You wanted to talk?" You asked, deciding to just rip the band-aid off all at once 'cause knowing your mom when she was anxious and your dad being allergic to any type of confrontation, you'd have sat there all day until one of them worked up the courage to speak.

"Talk, right." Bill said with a nervous chuckle, shaking his head as he took a seat and swiped his own cinnamon roll from the pan in the middle of the table. "Uh, how are you?"

"Are you serious right now?" You asked incredulously, looking up from your lap with a raised eyebrow. "All this for 'how are you?'"

"How would we know?" Your mom finally spoke up as she pulled her ruined nail from her mouth, only to start instantly drumming her fingers on the table. "You're always holed up in your room or at the beach, Y/N. You never talk to us anymore."

You rolled your eyes before fixing her with a deadpan stare. "Hmm, I wonder why."

"Honey, you know I'm sorry-"

"Don't, okay? Just don't." You swallowed thickly and dumped the cinnamon roll back into the pan, blinking away the awful burning pressure building behind your eyes. "I can't listen to some half-assed apology that you don't mean!"

"Y/N, we are sorry. Everything's gonna get better, just give it time." Your dad's reply was muffled by a mouthful of pastry and any other time, you'd usually be laughing at his chipmunk cheeks but instead you just stared back down at your hands again, lip quivering as you tried and failed to hold yourself together. You would not cry. You would not cry. You would not-

"Please, honey." Your mom tentatively reached out one hand like she was approaching a wounded animal, her voice so soft you could barely hear it above the rush of blood in your ears. "It hurts us to see you like this-"

Oh, fuck this shit.

"You're hurt?! Are you kidding me?" Your chair scraped along the tile as you rocketed to your feet, vision blurring when the dam finally broke. "You promised we wouldn't move again until after I graduated and you broke that promise. I let myself make friends for once in my goddamn life -I fucking fell in love, Mom! I fell in love with the most amazing boy who, by some miracle loves me, too despite me being a...a complete loser!" You were rambling now but you couldn't find it in yourself to care about or stop the words flying from your mouth.

"God, I was happy -so, so disgustingly happy it kind of scared me, okay?" You laughed bitterly and roughly wiped the tears from your cheeks, only to have more immediately take their place. "And you didn't even stop to think before you took it all away from me! So don't even talk to me about being hurt 'cause you have no fucking idea!"

Your dad was frozen, eyes the same color as your own blown impossibly wide in the middle of another bite of cinnamon roll while your mom, two tears streaking perfect twin tracks down her cheeks, looked at you like you'd just told her the world was ending -to her, it just might've been but to you, it already had. Neither of them said another word as you snatched your backpack off the couch and stormed from the house, slamming the door behind you.

Halfway to the bus stop, you decided school just wasn't in the cards that day and doubled back, hiding behind the shed in your backyard until your tears had run dry and both of your parents left -Rebekah to the hospital, Bill to wherever he went while you were in class- before heading inside to change into your rash vest and grab your board. Despite it being early Friday morning, Surfrider Beach was full of life and you welcomed the hustle and bustle as you turned off your phone and buried it at the bottom of your bag, leaving your problems behind on the sand.

You spent the whole day at the beach, blissfully alone and free to do what you wanted, until the sun dipped low in the sky and you were too exhausted to even think about anything but dragging yourself home so you could pass the fuck out. You caught one final wave before heading back to shore, waving goodbye to the group of other kids you'd surfed with all day (the one thing you loved about California: everyone was so chill) and trudged through the sand toward your things where, just as you expected, your sister sat on your towel, clad in a baggy UCLA long-sleeve with her phone in hand.

"Bitch, you killed it out there!" She looked up as you dropped your board to the ground and sat down heavily beside her, slipping an old Kildare County High School sweatshirt -the first one you ever 'borrowed' from your boyfriend, much to his delight- over your head. "I mean, look at you go!"

You leaned closer to watch the video she took, the barest hint of a smile on your face when you watched yourself perform a near perfect cutback on the screen. "That's 'cause I had the best teacher."

Daisy tagged you and posted it to Instagram before you could protest, then tossed the phone back into her bag and turned to you with a forced cheerfulness that kind of made you want to smack her. "So..."

"Mom and Dad sent you to clean up their mess." You finished quietly, tucking your knees to your chest and wrapping your arms around them as your sister sighed dramatically and offered a sympathetic wince.

"As always." She copied your position and you both stared out at the sun sinking over the water, its fading rays turning the sky brilliant shades of orange and pink. It was typical of your parents to send Daisy after you when you were upset -after all, you'd both been each other's only friend for over half your lives- and normally, you'd be glad to see your sister's friendly face instead of your mom's or dad's. That evening, though? All you felt was...disappointment.

"Guess they really don't give a shit about me." You mumbled under your breath, half-hoping Daisy didn't hear you but from the way she snapped her head in your direction, you didn't get your wish.

"Y/N, that's not it. They're just..."

"Just what? Pretending that they didn't stab me in the back? Acting like everything's all hunky-dory and they actually cared about my feelings?"

You hastily wiped at your face when your sister silently looped an arm around your shoulders and tucked you against her side, her fingers running soothingly through the ends of your damp hair as you vented all of your frustrations -everything you'd kept locked deep inside your heart- until your voice was hoarse and the sun had long disappeared from the horizon and you had no tears left to cry.

"You have no idea what it's like, being so lonely it hurts to breathe. It hurts knowing Mom and Dad have each other and you have Daniel and I'm alone all the time." You lifted your head from her shoulder and rubbed your red eyes with your sleeve. "Worst part is, they just keep acting like I'll wake up one day and magically be okay and everything'll be all sunshine and rainbows again."

"First off, I wanna say that I'm sorry for not making more time for you. I knew you were struggling and I'm a terrible big sister for not being here for you like I should have," You squeezed Daisy's other hand in thanks as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, her voice soft and steady like the waves crashing against the shore. "Second, I definitely don't think Mom and Dad are handling this the way they should, but I think they're trying in the only way they know how. That should count for something, right?"

You sighed and tugged the sleeves of your sweatshirt over your hands. "I guess, but they haven't even tried to see where I'm coming from and they don't get that I'm not the only one they hurt. If I have to hear one more half-assed apology, I'm gonna lose my shit. Again."

"I'm not saying you have to forgive them right away 'cause I sure as hell wouldn't until they say they're sorry and mean it. But..." She said, pulling you to your feet and shaking the sand from the towel you were sitting on, "you shouldn't keep shutting them out, okay? It's not healthy."

You tucked your board under your arm as Daisy grabbed your bag and swung it onto her shoulder before you both started walking toward the parking lot. "What if I'm never ready to forgive them?"

"That's a question I don't have the answer to." She said with a shrug. "You've gotta figure that one out for yourself."

So you followed your sister's advice. You were civil and gradually, your relationship with your parents improved until you could stand to be in the same room as them and even carry on a short conversation, even though you knew you'd probably never be able to fully trust them again. You caught them exchanging glances you could only describe as wounded when you often turned down their invitations to go to the movies or get ice cream or other things you used to love doing when you were younger but for the most part, they took it in stride and you were grateful for their little efforts. Forgiveness wasn't in the cards quite yet but with each passing day, you felt the icy wall around your heart slowly start to melt away.

But every time you thought you were taking one step forward, life pushed you two steps back. Just when you were getting things back on track with your family, the train went flying off the rails when it came to your friends and it was all your fault.

It wasn't like you didn't try -God, did you try- to keep yourself from falling back into old habits but Malibu just had a way of bringing out the absolute worst in you. Your old self, the girl who kept to herself and pushed everyone away, someone you thought you buried in the deepest grave, slowly came back from the dead with a vengeance little by little, so subtly you didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.

One missed phone call turned into two, texts went unanswered for days or not at all, FaceTime sessions happened less and less. The last video chat had been with Kiara and it ended terribly, after you blew up at her for mending her friendship with Sarah Cameron in the near two years since you'd been gone, spitting words you couldn't quite remember -something along the lines of 'didn't take you too long to replace me, huh' and calling the blonde girl a 'heinous bitch'- but knew you regretted with everything you had and hanging up before she had a chance to explain. You couldn't even recall the last time you talked to Pope or John B aside from the occasional Snapchat and your daily calls with JJ had turned to once a week, if you were lucky.

He was trying, you could tell, and so were you but the deck was stacked against you and you were never very good at cards, anyway. It hurt to try, it hurt not to try, everything just hurt. Nearly two years apart had done their damage and coupled with your debilitating fear of being forgotten that clawed at your chest like a rabid dog, your relationship was on unstable ground and for the first time in almost four years, you were thinking about the end. It wasn't like you didn't love him anymore (holy shit, were you still completely head over heels in love). In fact, you loved him so much you realized that he could do so, so much better than you and the thought rested heavy and bittersweet on your mind, lurking in the shadows until you were ready to bring it to light.

It happened on New Year's Eve. Alone in your room, your hands shook as you answered JJ's call at midnight, his voice tired and a little hoarse from celebrating the new year three hours earlier on the opposite coast and you nearly started crying right then and there when you replied with a shaky "I think we need to talk."

"Babe, what's wrong?"

You took a deep breath and said quietly, "Everything."

"Talk to me." The pure concern in those three words nearly convinced you to call it off, to tell him to forget you said anything and that you were fine, everything was just fine but deep down, you knew you couldn't.

"I've been thinking about us and I...I just think that you deserve better than me. Someone who can actually be there for you when you need her and hold you when your dad's an asshole and see you every day. Someone who can laugh at your silly jokes and share a joint with you and clean you up when you get into fights defending your friends-"

"Babe, what are you talking about? That girl is you."

"Maybe I was but I'm not anymore and I don't think I have been since I left. I just can't be the girl you want, I can't be the girl you deserve, J -I'm a total fucking mess and you can do so, so much better than me."

"Y/N."

You didn't know you were crying until you heard the broken way he breathed your name and salt water dripped from your chin onto the bracelet around your wrist.

"...are you breaking up with me?" His voice was impossibly small, the quietest you'd ever heard it and the exact moment your battered heart shattered into pieces was when you realized he didn't even put up a fight.

"I think so." The words tore through you like a gunshot as you cried, curling into yourself on the bed in an effort to ward off the worst pain you'd ever felt in your life and you wondered if it was possible to die from a wound that wasn't even physical.

He was quiet for a long time, so long you thought he hung up without you noticing through your tears, until he sniffed on the other end of the line.

"Guess we had a pretty good run, huh?" He asked with a watery chuckle and you found yourself giving a tiny, shuddering giggle in response -God, even when you were breaking his heart he still managed to make you laugh.

"The best, baby." The pet name slipped out like second nature and you winced, hastily trying to cover your mistake with an awkward cough but from the sharp breath you heard him take, he'd heard it anyway.

("I'm sorry," you said, and it stood as an apology for more than just your slip-up.)

"I love you, Y/N. Probably always will."

"I'll never stop loving you, JJ. That's a promise."

You let yourself believe him as you laid there bleeding from a gash you couldn't see, a wound you knew would never heal, and you hoped he let himself believe you, too, even when you ended the call without another word and threw your phone away from you, not bothering to see where it landed. The sound of your heavy, broken sobs filled the room and you didn't even mind when your mom, who you knew had been listening from the other side of your closed door like always, barged in and took you into her arms, stroking your hair as you cried into her lap.

If you were supposed to avoid getting hurt by leaving first, why did it feel like everything in you was broken? If you were making the right choice, why did it feel so wrong? You didn't have the answers and no matter how hard you searched, you knew you'd ever find them.

So you tried to stay busy. You joined the surf club at school, got a part-time job at the local aquarium, did anything you could to distract yourself from the hurt and the guilt and the way getting out of bed every morning was the hardest thing to do. Surf club introduced you to Mackenzie, the one girl who was more ostracized at school -an even richer version of the kook academy you hated -than you, her for being freakishly tall and you for your East Coast attitude, and the two of you became fast, if reluctant friends. Mack didn't try to stitch the gaping hole in your heart caused by your absent friends but she numbed the pain just enough to make it bearable and you were grateful for her calm, steady presence at your side, even as you both tried to keep each other at arm's length.

Later, you found out she was just like you, friendless and awkward with no self-esteem and a tendency to push people away, and that just cemented your friendship through the summer and your final year of high school.

Mack told you all about her life, growing up with no siblings, having height that she never learned to deal with, and a debilitating social anxiety that made making friends near impossible, and in turn you told her about how you hopped from town to town on your mother's whims, the wonderful friends you let slip away, and the beautiful boyfriend you loved enough to let go, and you both cried together for the lives you could've led.

"You two looked so happy," She said during the first sleepover you hosted as she held one of the many picture frames littering your dresser, her lips turned upwards in a small smile.

You gently took the frame from her hands and ran your fingers over the grinning face of your ex-boyfriend, his arms wrapped around your shoulders as your painted lips planted a deep red kiss on his cheek, and the wave of longing washing over you was almost strong enough to bring you to your knees. "It was the happiest I've ever been."

"Do you miss him?"

"So much it hurts."

i miss you.

i'm so sorry.

i still love you.

You'd typed and erased those texts every day but never mustered the courage to hit send and you couldn't decide if that was a blessing in disguise or the worst possible curse. Of course you still loved JJ: you promised you would and even if you didn't, you couldn't stop if you tried. He was your first love, the boy you so willingly gave your whole heart and then some; you still kept his ring on your thumb -the one he gave you at the airport the day you left- and his bracelet around your wrist, his bandanas in your hair and his face in your dreams and you knew you always would.

Before you could blink, your eighteenth birthday flew by and graduation was upon you.

You thought the second you were done with high school you'd be gone, heading straight back to the Outer Banks and the life you left behind but you found yourself stalling on sending in an application to UNC -Chapel Hill until you missed the deadline for the fall semester. On the outside, you made up a semi-legit excuse about getting your basic courses done at a community college to save money but deep down you really knew why you procrastinated: you were terrified to go back. Ever since your break up with JJ, you hadn't spoken to him or any of your old friends other than the obligatory birthday wishes on Facebook and you wondered if the damage you'd done over the years was too much to come back from, even as you tried to work up the courage to find out for sure.

Another year passed: in between earning college credits, you and Daisy took a sister's trip to Disneyland, Mack asked you to tag along on a jaunt up the coast to San Francisco to see Alcatraz, your parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary (your gift was long-overdue forgiveness and they said it was the greatest thing you possibly could've given them). When the time came, you and Mack both sent out your applications to UNC -you for biology, her for chemistry- and the myriad of emotions you felt when you got in was nothing short of dizzying. The old you was terrified, screaming at you to rip up the letter and join your sister at UCLA instead of opening old wounds but the hopeful you, the girl who lived without fear, the girl who fell in love and let herself be loved, screamed louder.

And so you killed the old you once again, burying her even deeper than the last time in a locked chest and throwing the key as far as you could out into the Pacific where you knew you'd never find it. You clutched your acceptance letter close to your chest and took a step east, away from California and toward the place where your broken heart still rested, scattered in pieces across the sand.

Settling in at UNC was surprisingly easy. You and Mack already clicked pretty well as friends so making the transition to roommates was natural and, dare you say it, even a little fun and the two of you quickly fell into a comfortable routine in your tiny apartment off campus in Chapel Hill. Comfortable and yet...that happiness you once felt all those years ago was missing from your life and you found yourself just as restless as you were in Malibu. While you knew exactly what you needed to do, that fear kept rearing its ugly head in the back of your mind, poisoning your thoughts: what if they wouldn't be happy to see you, what if they forgot about you, what if they hated you? What if he hated you?

It was terrifying, picturing yourself turning up at the Chateau with a hopeful smile only to have the door slammed right in your face. Deep down, you knew they'd never do that to you no matter how badly you'd hurt them but when you'd spent your whole life expecting the worst, taking a leap of faith wasn't an easy feat -something Mack just couldn't wrap her head around.

"I don't get it."

You glanced up from where you were lounging on your bed, flipping through your biology notes in preparation for your lab exam the next morning and shot your roommate a confused look. "Get what?”

Mack sat at your desk, her own notebooks lying ignored as she spun the chair around to face you, arms crossed. "Why you haven't hopped on that ferry to go get your man yet!"

You froze for a moment too long before offering a half-hearted shrug as you fiddled with the beads at the end of your bracelet. "It's not that easy. He probably wants nothing to do with me and I don't blame him."

"How do you know? You haven't talked to JJ in over a year, right?" At your tight nod, she continued, "What if he's just like you-"

"Depressed?"

Mack fixed you with a flat, unamused look. "Still in love, dumbass."

You scoffed and propped your chin in your hand as you glanced back down at your study guide, trying not to latch onto that little thought -hope and pain all rolled into one- that sparked to life at her words. He'd said he would probably always love you that New Year's Eve and back then you'd let yourself believe him but now, you weren't so sure. "Yeah, right. No way he's still...still in love with me after I broke his heart."

"Maybe he is, maybe he isn't," Your roommate said with a shrug, spinning around on the chair to grab her things. "You'll never know if you don't get over there, track his fine ass down, and talk to him."

You stared down at your notes without actually seeing anything, the slanted letters of your handwriting blurring before your eyes as the other girl flipped her chemistry book closed and stood, shooting you an warm smile that you didn't see.

"Listen, Y/N, you're my best friend and I want to see you happy more than anything but I can't take that jump for you. Yeah, it's scary and nerve wracking and you might end up hurt worse than before, so what? That's just...life."

Mack left after that, crossing the apartment to her room so she could get ready for a date with a girl from her psych class, leaving you alone with tears on your face and a million thoughts in your head, all of them terrifying and exciting and oh so loud.

She was right, of course -Mack always knew the right thing to say- and as you stared down at the bracelets on your wrists and the ring on your thumb, the pictures on your phone and the too-big shirt hanging off one shoulder, you realized sitting around moping wasn't gonna solve anything; if you wanted your happiness, your friends, the love of your life back, you needed to step up and fight for them with everything you had. And so you wiped the tears from your cheeks and walked to the cliff's edge with your head held high, ready for the fall and whatever came with it. You were ready to fix your mistakes, no matter how badly it might hurt.

Still, you couldn't do it all on your own. You needed some help to make things right again and while you knew just who to ask, you weren't quite sure if they'd be willing to lend a hand. Desperate times called for desperate measures though and you penned a good old-fashioned letter, feeling like a heroine in a Jane Austen novel as you poured all your thoughts -your dreams, wishes, hopes- onto a piece of paper in bold blue ink and sent it off to its destination on Figure 8, your Hail Mary for a happy ending sealed up neatly in a single envelope.

Mack, bless her heart, did her best to keep your spirits up as you waited on a response but even her ever reassuring presence couldn't keep you from worrying as one week passed by, then two. Halfway through the third you'd almost given up, already wracking your brain for another way to make your plan work when your phone chimed with a text from an unknown number.

i'll help you

And just like that, the moment you'd been waiting for was finally within your reach; you told your parents not to expect you for Thanksgiving break, called your sister for a much needed pep talk, and started counting down the days until you'd see your friends again, for better or worse.

When you left the Outer Banks three years ago, it was sunny. You were sixteen, young and in love and scared about the future.

When you returned, it was in the middle of a storm. You were nineteen, a little bit older but no less in love and definitely still scared about what was waiting for you at the end of the road.

Rain pounded against the roof of Sarah Cameron's SUV as she drove away from the docks and toward the Chateau, her fingers tapping along to the music playing quietly through the radio. You sat in the passenger seat, soaked to the bone from your ferry ride from the mainland and shaking like a leaf despite the towel wrapped around your shoulders and the warm air flowing from the car's vents.

"Thanks for coming to get me," You said, wincing at the awkward lilt of your voice echoing in the small space as you spun JJ's ring around your thumb and stared out the windshield at the familiar sights streaking by in blurred shades of green and brown. Being back opened a Pandora's box of emotions in your head, both good and bad, and instead of trying to sort them out, you let them bounce around in your brain like a pinball machine and concentrated on methodically twirling the warm metal ring in circles on your finger.

Sarah briefly glanced away from the road to shoot you a small smile, her kind eyes softening at your visible nervousness. "Not gonna lie, I was pretty sure you hated me so when I got your letter it kinda...threw me for a loop. Sorry it took me so long to reply."

You wished the heated leather seat would swallow you whole as you winced again and wrapped the towel tighter around your shoulders. "For the longest time, I thought I did hate you but I realized I was just...scared of losing my friends and I took it out on you. You didn't deserve to be labeled the villain in my story when I was the one, um, sabotaging myself, I guess." You took a deep breath and picked at a loose thread tickling your arm. "And I'm really, really grateful for your help."

It was more than you wanted to admit out loud -nearly the same words were written in the letter peeking out from the center console of the car- but at the same time, you knew it was what needed to be said and from the way the blonde girl's fingers stopped tapping against the steering wheel, she knew she needed to hear it. At a red light, she quickly tapped out a text on her phone before tossing in back into her bag with another tiny grin in your direction.

"Happy to help. For what it's worth, I'm so sorry if I made you feel like you were being replaced, I never intended to hurt you or steal your friends or...or, I don't know, usurp-"

"Sarah, stop. Please," You held up a hand to cut off her apology and offered her a self-deprecating smile. "I'm the one who's sorry. I let my...jealousy get the best of me and I feel so bad about all the shit I said 'cause that wasn't fair to you at all and I hope you can forgive me-"

"Y/N, there's nothing to forgive! We all say stupid shit when we're mad -trust me, I know." She interrupted with a bubbly, contagious giggle that seemed to scare away the gloomy storm clouds gathered over your head for a moment in time. "But I was never pissed at you, ever. I just want you to know that."

Stunned, you settled deeper into the seat and started playing with your ring again as she kept driving on, unbothered by your lack of response. You felt like you were thirteen again, back when Sarah and Kiara were your only friends, before the birthday disaster and the whole pogue versus kook feud that got completely out of hand; it felt...nice and you found yourself hoping that the blonde girl would still want to be your friend again, no matter what the others thought about your sudden return.

"Thank you."

Sarah gave no indication she heard your quiet confession of gratitude but from the way you watched her smile grow out of the corner of your eye, you knew she did. The rest of the drive passed in companionable silence as you retreated into your own thoughts, your nerves getting worse and worse the closer you got to your destination.

You took a deep breath and let it out slowly through your nose, feeling like your heart was trying to beat its way through your rib cage. You hadn't been this anxious in a long, long time, so long you almost forgot how much you hated the tightness in your chest, how your palms would start to sweat, the way you'd chew the inside of your cheek until you tasted blood on your tongue. By the time Sarah pulled into an open spot beside the achingly familiar Volkswagen parked in front of the Chateau, you were surprised you were still able to breathe.

The sight of the tiny house, one you spent so many carefree days and beautiful nights in alongside your friends, standing virtually unchanged in front of you was like a shot to the heart and your hands, curled into fists on your lap, began to shake without warning. Shit, you were a godforsaken mess; how the hell were you supposed to do this without having a mental breakdown?

"I'm so scared."

The whispered words, barely audible over the torrential rain against the roof, slipped from your mouth before you could stop them and Sarah slowly reached one hand over to give your trembling wrist a reassuring squeeze, the corners of her mouth curled upward in a slight smile.

"Don't be. They're gonna be so happy to see you!"

You turned to look at her, eyebrows knit together in disbelief. "How are you so sure they still care about me?"

"I'm sure 'cause I've seen it. My God, if only you could've heard all the times they talked about you -'I wish Y/N was here,' 'remember that time with Y/N,' hell, just straight 'I miss Y/N so fucking much,'" She said bluntly and shifted in the driver's seat to face you head on, smiling wider at the thunderstruck look on your face. "Pretty sure I haven't gone a week without JJ saying that last one at least once."

"I thought..." You paused, tongue darting out to run over your dry lips as you tried to put your jumbled feelings into words, "I thought he'd hate me -I mean, after all I've done, you think he still..."

"Loves you? Are you kidding?" Her reply was so enthusiastic it was hard not to believe her as she went on, her words like sunshine brightening the darkest corners of your mind. "He's still head over heels, I've never seen him even look at another girl in three damn years. You know he still wears your necklace, the one with the silver star? Kie told me all about it."

"I-I didn't." You remembered giving it to him the day you left, managing a shaky smile through your tears as you carefully clasped it around his neck, your fingers running over his skin as you settled the charm perfectly alongside that little shark tooth you'd grown to love.

('Be careful with this, baby. It's my favorite.' You had said, crying harder when he'd taken off one of his rings and slipped it onto your thumb.

'Well, this one's my favorite so take good care of it, okay?' His voice had been light but his eyes were heavy with unspoken words that you'd heard loud and clear because you knew your gaze said the exact same things.

don't let me go

don't break my heart

don't stop loving me)

You coughed to disguise the fat tears that started rolling down your face, quickly wiping them away with your sleeve but the blonde girl wasn't fooled as she gave your hand another friendly squeeze.

"Come on, they're probably wondering what's taking me so long," She sent a conspiratorial wink your way and grabbed her bag from the center console. "I told them I was picking up some pizzas but I have a funny feeling they won't be too pissed that I lied."

With a desperate grip on the strap of your backpack and your heart racing, you trailed behind Sarah through the rain to the front porch.

"Ready?" She glanced back where you lingered at the top of the stairs, anxiously shuffling from foot to foot, and shot you a smile that did little to calm your nerves. "Just wait here!"

She knocked on the door before you could reply and yelled loud enough to be heard over the pouring rain, "Hey, it's me! Can somebody get the door? My hands are kinda full."

"Got it!"

Your bag slipped from your fingers and fell onto the porch with a loud thump at the sound of the voice floating through the open windows, a voice you heard nearly every night as you slept, in your dreams of a future you wanted with everything you had. You knew it better than your knew your own, knew every pitch and tone and lilt; quiet and raspy in the mornings when you woke up in each other's arms, loud and carefree during long days spent under the golden sun with the rest of your friends, soft and warm and laid bare at night when he showed how much he loved you with more than just words.

Sarah gave you an enthusiastic thumbs up before stepping to the side just as the door opened and you suddenly found yourself struggling to breathe as you stared into the wide blue eyes of your ex-boyfriend. JJ stared right back, one of the hands you used to hold clenched so tight around the doorknob his knuckles were white, the lips you used to kiss parted in surprise, the blond hair you used to run your fingers through falling onto his forehead like always and the familiar, beautiful sight of him standing close enough to touch made your knees weak.

"You're not pizza."

It was such a JJ thing to say and you didn't know whether to laugh or cry as you swallowed thickly and shook your head. "Sorry to disappoint you."

"I'm not."

"Oh."

Hope flared white hot in your chest at his words but it quickly started to fade, replaced by fear when he made no move toward you, his fingers still gripping tight to the door, and you felt your face start to heat in embarrassment as Sarah looked back and forth between the two of you like she was watching a tennis match.

God, you were so stupid. What did you expect would happen, showing up out of the blue after over a year of no contact? Everything would fall into place again with just one long, heavy look? Believing it could be that easy turned you into a complete and total fool, tongue-tied and insecure and weak.

"Yo, what's the hold up?" John B's voice asked from inside the house and Sarah leaned down to call through the open window, "Come out here and find out!"

A wave of dizziness hit you like a truck and you took a sudden step back toward the stairs, arms wrapping around your stomach as it twisted itself into knots. "I'm sorry, I-I shouldn't have come. This was a mistake." You didn't notice the stricken look that crossed JJ's face or the three familiar, stunned expressions that appeared behind him in the darkened doorway before turning away and stumbling off the porch toward the road, leaving your bag behind and you definitely didn't notice how you barely made it off the bottom stair before a set of footsteps hastily gave chase.

"It wasn't a mistake, Y/N!" JJ's desperate voice stopped you in your tracks, halfway across the yard with more than just rain running down your face. "Not to me, never to me."

His soft touch on your wrist sent shockwaves through your body and you instantly became putty in his hands, letting him turn you around without a fight to face him, watching in fascination as the downpour started to darken his gray shirt and flatten his hair against his forehead. Three years hadn't changed much about him -he was a little taller, hair a little longer, the muscles in his arms a little more defined- and when you met his wide-eyed gaze, beads of rain dripping from his long eyelashes like diamonds, you wondered if he was thinking about the differences time created between the younger you of the past and the you of the right now, too.

"Oh." You repeated dumbly, struggling for something, anything to say that didn't make you sound like an illiterate fool. Even at nineteen, words still weren't your strong suit so you let your actions speak for you as your hand reached out on its own accord to caress the silver star still clasped around his neck, the thumb still wearing his ring brushing slowly against the dip between his collarbones; he shivered, and you weren't really sure if it was from your touch or the cold.

"Y/N." JJ said your name like a prayer, like he couldn't believe you were there in front of him, and you inhaled sharply when both of his hands slowly, carefully moved to cup your face, his calloused thumbs habitually wiping the tears from your cheeks over and over, even as more instantly replaced the ones he swept away. "I fucking missed you."

You stood there, looking like a damned drowned rat with your hair dripping into your eyes, shivering in your soaked jeans and Kildare County High School sweatshirt, the love of your life cradling your face so gently in his hands, and so many things you wanted to say flooding your brain but only the one that mattered the most managed to get by your trembling lips.

"I'm still in love with you."

You noticed a lot when you put your heart on the line: the steady, soothing sound of water falling through the trees, the bright, clean taste of rain on your tongue, how the sun was just barely starting to peek out from behind the stormy clouds, but they all paled in comparison to the little things you noticed about the boy in front of you; blue irises made even brighter by the red rimming his eyes, how he stepped closer on the wet grass until the tips of his scuffed boots touched your worn gray high tops, the way his hands trembled ever so slightly against your flushed face.

"Well, it's your lucky day 'cause I'm still in love with you, too."

All of the breath left your lungs in one big rush when JJ smiled hopefully -oh, how you loved everything about that smile: his slightly crooked teeth, that dimple in his cheek, the endearing pink blush swept across his nose- and you felt yourself return it without a second thought, your own hope once again burning bright in your chest.

"Even after...everything?" Your voice shook like the fingers you slid into the hair at his nape and he leaned down to rest his forehead against yours, close enough you could feel his breath on your lips when he spoke.

"I told you I'd always love you, didn't I?"

You nodded, a delicious shiver running down your spine when he tilted his head just so and gently bumped your nose with his. You remembered all the times he did that through the years, a dizzying slideshow of memories that flashed through your mind like lightning, and your fingers wove themselves deeper in his hair.

"I have so many things to apologize for," You said with a tiny, quiet shake of your head, tearing your eyes away from his in shame and staring over his shoulder toward where the rest of your friends watched from the porch, all crowded together at the top of the stairs with identical enthralled expressions on their faces. "There are so many mistakes I've made and people I've hurt and I have no idea how to even start saying sorry for it all."

"Babe."

The sound of your old pet name caused your gaze to snap right back to his and your heart felt like it was about to beat right out of your chest when one of his hands trailed down the sensitive skin of your neck and then lower until it traced along the curve of your hip and left a line of fire in its wake.

"We'll figure that out later, okay?" JJ said as his fingers tucked a loose strand of wet hair behind your ear, a coy, ardent grin on his face. "'Cause I've been waiting three years to kiss you again and if I don't get to do it soon, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind."

You smiled -a wide, joyful, elated smile- and rose up on your tiptoes in anticipation. "Then kiss me."

You didn't have to tell him twice. His lips pressed against yours desperately, like he needed you to breathe, like you were the very air in his lungs, religiously, like your mouth was the altar and he was there to worship as he pulled you close, the fingers of one hand tangling in your hair while the others dug into your hip. You kissed him back just as hard and the familiar taste of him on your tongue -mint, smoke, salt- sent that dearly missed spark racing through your veins like wildfire.

It was a little cliché, having your long-awaited reunion kiss in the rain but it was honest and candid and real and so much better than anything you could've dreamed. You lost yourself in his touch like you used to, clinging to him like a lifeline and pouring your whole heart into every fierce brush of your lips against his, both of you pulling away for a moment only to dive right back in each time. It was addictive, intoxicating, and you could've spent the rest of your life standing there in the middle of the yard and kissing like there was no tomorrow if a loud, ear-piercing wolf whistle hadn't come from the direction of the porch.

The two of you broke apart just barely, with foreheads still pressed together and swollen lips, and you couldn't stop yourself from giggling when JJ blindly flipped the bird over his shoulder before pulling you back in for another eager kiss that filled your whole body with an exhilarating, heavenly heat that never faded, even after four enthusiastic voices suddenly surrounded you like an excited swarm of nosy, buzzing bees.

"You aren't the only one who missed her, J." Kiara said, smiling widely as you reached out to grab her hand and pull her into a powerful one-armed hug, her chin resting on your shoulder.

"Yeah, stop hogging all the love!" John B added, throwing himself into the pile along with Pope, who slung an arm around your shoulders as he said, "Great to have you back, Y/N."

Sarah was the last to join and she quietly tucked herself under John B's arm with a pleased grin on her face, nodding when you mouthed 'thank you' in her direction. The six of you stood there in the rain, smiling like fools, and as the sun started to scare away the dark clouds overhead and in your heart, a weight you didn't even realize had been crushing your chest slowly began to lift away with each freeing breath.

You still had a lot of work to do: wrongs to be righted, apologies to be made, explanations -not excuses- to be given for every shitty thing you did in your past. But as happy tears started streaming down your face once again and you felt the arms of the friends you’d thought were lost to you forever tighten around you at the sight, you knew in your bones all would be forgiven. You knew that after three long years, you'd finally come home.

let me know what you think! i read each and every one of your comments and cry because they mean so much to me! ❤

taglist ❤: @sinkbeneathwaves @cordeliascrown @maysbanks @jjpogueprincess @bibliophilewednesday @k-n-e @jiaraendgame @alexa-playafricabytoto @heypearce @sexualparkour (send me an ask if you’d like to be added or removed!)

#outer banks #obx fic #jj maybank #jj maybank fic #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x y/n #obx imagine #obx netflix #outer banks imagine #jj maybank x you #kiara carrera #john b #john b routledge #pope heyward #sarah cameron

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expiredfairydust · 3 years

Text

best friends ~ bubblegum rock/kazuleon || ft. nb gay! kaz || pt. 2

//tw: self hatred, kinda internalised homophobia, uncensored F slur bcoz the author can reclaim it//

a loud gasp forced the two to pull away from their kiss quickly, both of them quickly moving to look in the direction of where the noise had come from.

kazuichi went red due to embarrassment, noticing the unmistakable blonde hair of miss sonia darting away.

she had poked her head around the door to souda’s room - they never locked it in case leon wanted to come and cuddle - meaning to ask the pinkette if they’d been given any homework as she had been in first aid for most of the day before, unaware of what was happening between the mechanic and their crush.

and now she was running off, trying to give the pair privacy. souda, panicking because their illusion of heterosexuality was likely being broken, ran after her, calling “miss s-sonia! wait!! i-i swear it’s not what it looks like i’m s-sorry miss sonia you’re the only one i love i swear!!” they were crying for real now at the realisation that they had just ruined the one thing that was theirs.

the blonde suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned back to kazuichi. her face had an odd expression that kazuichi couldn’t read.

she put a hand over the mechanic’s mouth. “you do not understand souda, i do not care about you and kuwata’s relationship! in fact, i am glad because now you can leave me and miss fukawa to our relationship in peace - i was and still am rather disgusted at your lack of knowledge on personal boundaries but now i do not have to worry about that because you have no reason to!” she spoke slightly forcefully without meaning to. when she was done, she took her hand away and started walking off again.

“miss sonia!! i-i-i-“ kazuichi couldn’t gather their words, thousands of thoughts racing through their head. “we’re not dating... it was.. it was only a kiss....” they would mumble, more tears streaming down their face with every word. “i-it was all my fault anyways... i-i.. i was.. i was the one who kissed him and it was so so stupid of me because he’s the only person i have left and now he probably hates me for- for-“

their voice cracked and they couldn’t go on speaking, their legs giving way underneath them. “for being such a disgusting fucking faggot!! and-and-and i don’t blame him because i hate myself too!!” they were practically shouting now. “but dammit i love him so fucking much! so much, it hurts! god it feels like my heart is being ripped apart and i can’t fix it and i don’t know what to do and i hate that! and even if i could ever tell him properly i just know he’d hate me because who could ever like such a pathetic little FAG”

they didn’t know why they were telling all of this to miss sonia, maybe it was because they didn’t want her to think leon’s standards were so low as to date them. maybe they just needed to let everything out, needed to rant. because the moment they opened their mouth the words seemed to vomit out.

and once they were done ranting they ran off to the loos so they could actually vomit, as they often did out of distress. they ran to the far away disabled loos, on the opposite end of campus - they were the only public gender neutral loos on campus - so they wouldn’t have to face leon again, who they assumed was still in their room.

key word: assumed.

because leon had actually heard every word, only a few paces behind kazuichi during their confession. he had ran to try and take the mechanic in his arms, to say that it was okay because he loved them that way back. he had ran, just as kazuichi ran off.

meanwhile the princess was just happily beaming to herself, knowing that leon heard every word. she had successfully wingwomanned for the creep and the punk! it was a double win, as leon tended to flirt with touko as well as kazuichi’s horrible attempts to look straight by chasing after miss sonia herself. she made her way to her girlfriend’s dorm to tell her all about what she did.

leon’s thoughts were racing, as he tried to figure out what was even happening. kaz was in love with him... kazzy loved him back... but they thought that kiss was all their fault? as if leon hadn’t chosen to kiss them too? and now they thought he hated them? why? why would he kiss them if he hated them? god kazuichi was a dumb bitch at the best of times...

leon couldn’t help but smile through his tears, which he hadn’t noticed either.

kazuichi really loved him back..!

him!

but they thought leon felt the opposite...

right...

well, leon would just have to change that, he decided as he started looking for his best friend. he knew the mechanic got physically unwell when they were unwell, so he’d just have to check all the loos until he found the right one!

except kazuichi was nonbinary and relatively androgynous, so the baseball star had no clue which loos they’d be in, and he couldn’t exactly barge into the women’s loos checking to find his friend.

so, that meant he’d have to find ibuki, who had joined his band, and ask nya to check the girls’ loos while he checked the men’s and disabled loos. nya was also non binary, but at least she passed as a girl enough to enter the women’s loos.

it wasn’t hard, seeing as the noise they made made all over on the other side of the campus-

(conveniently close to one of the only gender neutral loos on campus)

-was loud enough to be heard in another country. leon was regretting leaving his ear plugs in kaz’s dorm, as he plugged his ears with his fingers and ran towards the sound.

“IBUKI!!!!” he yelled once he was in the practice room mioda was in.

“WHAT?!?”

“WHAT???”

“WHAT?!”

this was going to be tedious, leon thought, as he moved towards where everything was plugged in and unplugged the speakers.

ah, silence,,, at least it would’ve been if mioda wasn’t screeching at leon for what he did. “jesus christ calm down ibuki! i need you for something important” leon hissed, ibuki going completely quiet at the word “important” - void loved being helpful!

the bubbly musician sped off to search once leon explained what he needed. knowing nya, she’d probably check all the men’s loos too, void didn’t seem to get what made people so iffy about not sharing a bathroom with different genders.

but with that, leon got to looking too. and it wasn’t long before he heard the sound of sobbing in the disabled loos, accompanied by the sound of vomiting. well, there’s kaz...

he knocked on the door “kazzy?” he tentatively spoke. there was the click of the door being unlocked for leon to enter. he soon dropped to the floor, next to the pinkette, pulling them into his lap and holding them tightly. “shshshhh... i’m here kazzy...” the ginger would whisper sweetly into souda’s ear.

he held the younger student’s hair back as they puked again. “now how about you tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours?” he whispered, despite knowing already. he wanted kazuichi to say it again. to him, not to miss sonia.

but kaz didn’t want to talk. “it’s stupid” they said, snuggling against leon.

“if it’s stupid why don’t you say it?”

“coz you’ll hate me even more than you do for kissing you” their words were hard to understand through their tears.

“what makes you think i hate you? if i hated you, would i be here with you now? c’mon how about you wash your mouth out? all that puking must have left a horrible taste” leon spoke with a gentle tone, which was unlike him but comforting to the sobbing boy in his lap.

once almost all traces of puke had been ridden from the mechanic’s mouth, leon sat them on his lap again, holding them tightly. “how about you tell me what’s wrong now, eh kazzy?” he said sweetly, wiping his best friend’s tear stained cheeks with his sleeve.

“promise you won’t hate me?”

“pinky promise”

the pinkette drew a deep breath, getting ready to speak. then shook their head. “i-i can’t”

a realisation dawned upon leon then. this was his chance to reveal his own secret! “i’ll tell you something about me that i’ve been hiding if that would make you feel any better” a slow nod gave him the ok to speak.

“i’m intersex. when i was born the doctors told my mom and dad and they were.. well, i don’t know how they felt but i was forced into an opporation to make me “fully” male as a baby and all my life i’ve had to take medication to keep my hormones at a “normal male” level, which is odd coz i was never actually told that’s what it was for until recently” the ginger spoke, resting his head on kazuichi’s shoulder

“but, i want to stop taking my meds, i don’t want to be 100% a boy, and that decision kinda scares me in case people won’t accept it. in case you don’t accept it” he added after hesitating. “now do you wanna talk about your problem?” he wanted to change the subject.

kaz had gone quiet. then, after a few seconds they said. “it sounds silly now that you’ve told me how serious yours is... but- but-“ they paused to figure out the words they wanted to say. “i-i- i’m so sorry for kissing you! i had no right to do it and i-i- i didn’t even take the time to ask you if you wanted a kiss and- and- and- i’m so sorry i know you hate me for it and i don’t blame you because i totally deserve it” the words seemed to fall out quicker than kazuichi could think of them

“and i know you probably never want to see me again but if you could ever forgive me i’d really appreciate it because you’re the only friend i’ve got and i love you dude!” as those words came out, the pink haired mechanic started tearing up again. “i-i love you... i love you so much it hurts and i don’t know what i’d ever do without you but i totally understand if you hate me because how could you ever love someone who’s such a disgusting f-“

their words were cut off by leon kissing the shorter mechanic. it was a brief kiss, even shorter than their first, but the pure, raw emotion behind it was clear. love. reciprocated love.

“if i thought you were disgusting, why would i choose to kiss you twice? because now you know it sure as hell weren’t just you who wanted that first kiss” leon said simply, wiping the shorter guy’s tears away. “but i don’t still want to be friends,” he said, suddenly going cold, making the pinkette’s face drop. “i want to be boyfriends!” he said, making kazuichi start laughing with relief.

just as they were about to share another kiss, in barged mioda, yelling about how nya had found the pink haired mechanic, then once void noticed the ginger sat next to them and started yelling about how unfair it was that she had been looking all over for kazuichi for leon when the ginger was probably with them the whole time.

the couple smiled and sheepishly promised to make it up to the ultimate musician. the end.

#bubblegum rock #kazuleon #soudawata #kazuichi souda #leon kuwata #leon x kazuichi #kazuichi x leon #fanfic #dr fic #dr fanfiction #gay #nb gay #fag life fag life

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theblackberrygirl · 4 years

Text

The BAU As Kids in My English Class

Because I’m on a Zoom and I’m bored.

This is kinda long so I’m gonna cut the post.

Hotch: Will, he’s OBSESSED with WW1 and WW2. He wears a pressed suit complete with a tie and dress shoes EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL. Plays the saxophone, randomly. Does not know how much hair gel is acceptable.

Derek: Adam, plays literally every sport the school offers. Football, baseball, basketball, boy’s volleyball, he even goes up to the high school to play for their golf and swim team. Super nice guy, and oddly enough he’s in the Baking club and Knitting/Crochet club?? He’s well rounded I guess

JJ: Ally, popular girl. Which extracurriculars are you doing? Yes. Istg she’s in every single club except for like, 3. She can be a bitch sometimes, but for the most part she’s nice enough. She has a tendency to look down on the ‘uncool’ kids (orchestra, theatre, academic team, History club, library aid, etc). Hates to admit that she’s getting tutored by a girl in all of those (that would be me.)

Alex: (is it narcissistic to say myself?) Student librarian, daycare worker, tutor. Does not have any idea when someone is crushing on her. Completely and totally oblivious. Someone could say ‘I’m in love with you and want to marry you’ and she would still think it was platonic.

Elle: Avery, absolute badass. Carries a knife strapped to her thigh (I’m not joking). Skateboards to and from school. In class, she’s very quiet, but not shy. Falls on the older side of the class. She likes to joke she’s the ‘guardian demon’ to the younger kids of the school and I’m the ‘guardian angel.’

Penelope: Abby, theatre geek. Baking club, painter’s club, technology club, and one of the few band kids that doesn’t take every opportunity to shit on the orchestra kids. Friends with literally everyone, and it’s an ongoing mystery if her and Adam are dating (I still don’t know)

Emily: Maddie, soft femme goth. Black skirts and fishnets, black lipstick and heavy eyeliner. Orchestra kid, does not give a flying fuck about what people think of her. She’s nice to people who deserve it. I have been low-key crushing on her since the 5th grade. Rollerblades to and from school. Has been trying to teach me how to do it but I have 0 balance.

Spencer: Annie, omg I finally get to talk about my prodigy child. Annie’s 11, skipped 2 grades. Very small for her age, shorter than everyone in the school. She is my chaotic disaster child and I love her. Is protected by Avery, Maddie, Adam, and me. She comes to the library with me sometimes when I’m on shift.

Ian Doyle: TRUMPIE BEDSHEET BOY. Does not know when to knock it off, will never leave Maddie (Emily) and I alone. It’s rumored that he’s been crushing on Emily. Has a tendency to turn violent. Likes to taunt Annie to fuck with my head on occasion. Fuck him.

#shut up elle #criminal minds #spencer reid #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #jennifer jareau #cm #emily prentiss #jj #incorrect criminal minds #incorrect criminal minds quotes

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sepublic · 4 years

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Productively Handling an Issue

A while back, I got an ask where an Anon felt like Luz deserved some degree of punishment for the book report incident, even if the Reality Camp WAS a bit much. I’ve also noticed some discussion of the potential danger of what Luz did. And thinking about it… Here are my thoughts, and how this connects to the show’s recurring themes as a whole;

I do agree that what Luz did WAS a mistake… But to me, it seemed like a fairly innocent and innocuous mistake. Definitely the worst thing she had done up until that point, but otherwise… Not something that needed too much punishment? Maybe even none at all… At the very least, the Reality Camp was going overboard.

It’s worth noting that those snakes are definitely Luz’s pets. Camila alludes to Luz having ‘reptilian’ friends… Not to mention, she and Principal Hal don’t bat an eye at Luz bringing the snake to the meeting and holding it in her bare hand! The implication is obviously that the snakes are Luz’s pets, and considering the kind of person Camila is… I doubt she’d let Luz have dangerous snakes as pets- At the very least, no more dangerous than a dog or a cat would be. Like I said; Her and Hal are completely fine with Luz bringing her snake to the meeting, in her bare hand; They don’t expect it to hurt them or Luz, and obviously this expectation is transmitted to Luz. To Luz, if her mother lets her have the pet snakes, then clearly they’re not dangerous; And if they’re safe for Luz, then surely they’re safe for other kids as well!

Luz probably disregarded the snakes biting other students’ hair as them just ‘playing’… Which DOES point to the snakes being mostly harmless. Let’s be real here, a cockroach crawling onto a person wouldn’t actually hurt them, but it’d definitely freak them out and make them act as if they were bitten… I speak from experience, and as someone who thinks roaches are low-key interesting creatures no less!

But of course, that’s still rather negligent on Luz’s part to disregard how other kids may feel. At the same time though –especially when one considers how she’s coded as ADHD- I’m willing to give her some slack because it really DID seem like a genuine, honest mistake… That Luz figured that if her mom and Hal were fine with Luz handling these snakes, what’s so different about other kids handling them? Definitely a mistake, but I think one that Luz merely needed to be informed of, rather than punished for.

Then there’s the fireworks… ALSO dangerous and wrong, but- Luz isn’t exactly a criminal (at least not yet she wasn’t). Last I checked, you can’t buy fireworks without being an adult –or at least older than Luz was- so this points to the fireworks being something that was already at home, and thereby accessible to her. Not trying to shift the blame towards Camila, mind you… I do agree that Luz did a genuine mistake, and Camila is a single, working-class nurse and likely away from home a lot, just so she can keep her kid fed. I can’t entirely blame Camila for not remembering to tell Luz that even if the fireworks are accessible in their home, they’re not to be toyed around with.

We don’t exactly know what Luz’s plans were, but I assume she planned to set them off outside. I don’t think she was hell-bent on setting the fireworks off, no matter what; She seems willing to stop when Hal and Camila indicate they’re a bad idea, so it’s likely that Luz just did not realize that they canbe that dangerous. I wouldn’t so much say that Luz was actively, apathetically disregarding the safety of others, as she was simply caught up in the idea of doing something that could dazzle and impress her classmates.

Again, that isn’t to say that Luz DIDN’T mess up… She made mistakes, let’s be real here! But the thing is… She really didn’t seem to know better, and when Camila and Hal DO tell Luz to stop; She readily agrees! Obviously they brought up the Reality Camp as a punishment beforehand, but based on what we see of Luz’s personality afterwards –even if one takes character development into account- I doubt she needed to be threatened in order to agree with changing her behavior.

In fact, I’m not sure if Luz even needed to be punished; At the very least, her ‘punishment’ would be something that focuses on rectifying the situation with those students her pets harassed. She’s not like Lilith, who willingly took chances with Luz’s life and risked it during her final duel with Eda, even if she probably thought Luz wouldn’t actually die! By contrast, Luz didn’t intentionally overlook the safety of her classmates, because she never realized/considered there was any danger to begin with… Impulsive, but understandable given her ADHD-coding, and certainly not dumb nor apathetic!

I think something very important to remember is that Luz does promise to change her behavior, to not make the same mistakes again! She really was willing to respond to criticism; Which makes it all the more painful when the snake, beyond Luz’s control, attacks Hal. That scene was honestly very uncomfortable to me; Luz didn’t even get the chance to change her behavior, to fix things, before she got punished! Luz immediately being sent to the Reality Camp for something that happened as a result of a prior mistake she was already planning to fix (instead of a new one she made after her promise), a mistake she didn’t even get a moment to rectify…

It just comes across as cruel, mean-spirited, and outright petty! Spiteful, even… Like come on, Luz made it clear she was going to change and fix things, or at least try! And Principal Hal LET Luz bring the snake into his office, and hold it in her bare hand right in front of him! Luz is just following the guidance of the adults, looking to them to tell her what’s right or wrong… If Hal let Luz bring the snake in and it attacked him, then he’s partly to blame for poorly mishandling the incident! He IS a principal, after all, he should know about de-escalating situations and ensuring the safety of everyone else at hand here, when kids can’t tell what’s dangerous or not. It’s definitely Luz’s fault for bringing the snakes to school, but it’s not her fault for bringing the snake into the office when Hal let her!

Coupled with how Luz was willing to change her behavior, didn’t even get the chance to, and how that snake was part of a mistake that happened BEFORE she made her promise… It all just comes across as more like a vindictive punishment to a kid, than an actual attempt to help them. And, I should preface that I’m no child psychologist; But even so…

I feel like Hal and Camila’s handling of the situation established a precedent for other problems we see in this show. Namely… Luz DID have a problem. She had a problem with genuine loneliness and not knowing how to make friends, not distinguishing reality from fiction at times, and thus disregarding others as an occasional result! Luz was clearly suffering from some issues and she needed help, that’s kind of a major point!

But the thing is… I feel like Hal and Camila (mostly Hal) didn’t address the problem in an effective manner? Which makes sense, given this show’s critique of the American school system… Luz definitely had issues of loneliness and delusion that caused prior incidents. But clearly, punishing her for those past incidents didn’t keep them from stopping… Which brings up the idea of addressing the symptoms of an underlying problem, and not the root-cause that’s causing them to begin with! Punishing Luz the first few times for her other incidents was like a band-aid, it made her stop doing those things temporarily… But she was still a kid who wasn’t taught how to differentiate fiction from reality, and so Luz was still prone to keep causing problems as a result.

I’ll give Camila some slack, she’s a single mother and a nurse, she’s no doubt incredibly busy. But I think this concept of recognizing that there’s an issue, but then either not actually addressing the root cause behind it, or worse, handling the issue in a manner that’s less than productive and just makes the person feel worse… This seems like a precedent established by our opening scene, which we then see with OTHER characters and conflicts later in the show!

We have Lilith, who recognizes that she cursed Eda! However, Lilith opts to wallow in self-pity and beat herself up for it, destructively tearing down her own self-esteem, instead of constructively fixing the actual problem by sharing the curse with her sister, or at least being honest about what happened! You have Luz and Willow helping Amity learn to be kinder and happier…. While leaving the implicit awareness that until the Blight Parents are addressed, Amity won��t truly heal.

Principal Bump saw Viney, Jerbo, and Barcus getting into trouble; But instead of addressing the issue of their unmet educational needs, he instead completely banned them from practicing magic in the Detention Track! And this is speculation, but it seems that Emira and Edric WERE concerned with how cold Amity was to other people, and seemed under the impression that their cruel pranks would somehow ‘lighten her up’- When instead they just made Amity feel even more miserable, and less willing to open up and reach out.

It’s a recurring trend- A destructive response to an issue, instead of something constructive and meant to fix the problem itself… It’s a ‘solution’ fixated on simply punishing and hurting someone as retribution for their mistakes, while the actual problem and its effects keep going on in the background. It’s ignoring a systemic cause behind these recurring incidents; Just as ignoring the Coven System and not dismantling it would be a fatal error, because even if people like Lilith and Boscha learn not to be so terrible… The Coven System will continue to enable and encourage other witches after them to do horrible things. And while individual accountability IS a thing, the show’s messages seem to point towards tackling systematic issues (either on a personal or societal level), before then having time to focus on the individual problems that came from them.

Camila was right; Luz DID have issues with differentiating fantasy from reality, of being lonely and unsure of how to handle social interactions, etc.! Just as Lilith recognized she made a mistake, Bump saw that the Detention Kids had caused trouble, Emira and Edric noticed Amity was becoming cold and cruel… But instead of constructively fixing the issue and addressing the root cause behind it, they instead focused on patching up the individual problems that spawned from this core issue, or even simply hurting and punishing the person ‘responsible’ for them.

Amity messed up when she was cruel to Willow, that much is clear. But piling on more cruelty towards Amity as retribution wouldn’t have helped- It wouldn’t have fixed her issues. It wouldn’t have given her the self-confidence to actually change her behavior. It would’ve just made Amity feel worse and more terrible, more self-loathing, and believe she was a terrible person who could never do things right- So why bother trying to make a difference?

The approach of Hal, to me, seems about as effective as slapping a band-aid over an injury… You’re addressing the symptoms, but what of the actual problem that’s causing them to spawn? And that’s even assuming he DID address the symptoms… His handling of the situation, overtly punishing Luz by sending her to the Reality Camp –again for a mistake that was literally and figuratively out of her hand- did not make things better, it likely would’ve just made things worse… Or at the very least, Luz would stop misbehaving, but at the cost of major emotional damage and self-loathing.

It’s a theme this show has been building up to; Learning to address problems in a productive, constructive manner, not focusing on punishing the culprit, but instead diverting energy into actually making things better! Making the ‘culprit’ feel worse isn’t going to fix things. And similarly, while individual accountability and incidents ARE a thing… If you really want to make a change, one must address the systemic, root-cause of the issue!

Just as Luz’s issues stemmed from loneliness and delusion, or how people like Lilith and Boscha were encouraged by the overarching Coven System… You can help Lilith be a better person. You can get Luz to not turn her eyelids inside out. But the core of the issue will still remain, and it’s going to cause other problems in the future; Such as Luz bringing the snakes and fireworks, or further generations of witches being indoctrinated into the Coven System’s elitism and abuse.

I might give Hal, too, some slack since he’s a principal and really busy… But then again his entire job is to look after kids and help them do well. But just as Lilith never bothered to consider why Eda still refused to join the Emperor’s Coven, even under the incentive of having her curse cured… I think Hal should’ve considered that something else was afoot that was causing Luz to repeatedly cause these sorts of incidents at school. If punishing her with detention in the past didn’t keep other issues from happening- Then what makes Hal think that punishing Luz again, with Reality Camp, will make things any different? When you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Instead of telling someone to stop doing something, maybe ask WHY they’re doing that? It calls back to when Luz posed this question to Principal Bump, who initially dismissed this as him ‘not caring for the ins and outs of rascality’- Although of course in HIS case it’s understandable because he DID know and empathize, he was just afraid of the Emperor’s Coven for a good reason.

However, just as Lilith should’ve realized that the same old promise of curing Eda’s curse and hiding the truth wasn’t going to fix things, that maybe it was time she tried a different approach… I think Hal should’ve also recognized that repeated detentions weren’t stopping Luz’s misbehavior, at least not in the long-term. He should’ve tried a different approach, and he DID… But it was a worse one. The Reality Camp would’ve just screwed over Luz and likely traumatized her, getting her to stop causing trouble but at the cost of her identity and self-esteem; Or making her SO self-loathing and desperate for loneliness, that she does worse things for attention!

And again… I have to wonder if Hal isn’t entirely to blame, if he himself is also dealing with the underlying issue that is the American school system, which he probably grew up in. And that all ties back to a major lesson of The Owl House; That just as the Coven System needs to be addressed, so does our education system! Maybe it’s not the kids/witches who are intentionally screwing themselves over and messing themselves up, maybe it’s actually the system…!

TL;DR Luz definitely had issues. But not only do I think we’re exaggerating her maliciousness/carelessness in this situation, but also we need to consider what was actually causing these repeated incidents… And similarly, Camila and Hal definitely recognized that there WAS a problem, potentially responsible for all of the incidents- But they didn’t handle it any better than Luz did, and would’ve just made things worse. And honestly, with how messed-up the system is back home, those two aren’t entirely to blame for their faulty approach, either…

#the owl house #owl house #the owl house luz #luz noceda #the owl house camila #camila noceda #the owl house lilith #lilith clawthorne #the owl house amity #amity blight #the owl house bump #principal bump #hieronymous bump #the owl house hal

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silvernmoonshipping-is-love · 3 years

Text

DrownedSilver Week Day 7: What If

WARNING: Hints of child abuse/physical abuse. Which should obvious, given the character(s) in question, but still. Stay safe once again.

‘How could you?! We gave you what you wanted! And you betray everyone?!’

‘I-I...-’

‘Try running, we will find you!’

‘Everything you have will be for nothing!’

The hand tightened around his throat.

‘You don’t deserve anything… And we’ll make sure of that.’

Ben shot up, panting from the nightmare, regaining his breathing. He puts his face in his hands, kinda tugging at his slightly too long bangs.

‘I thought I was getting better with this…’

How come that now that everything has been fine for so long, memories of his childhood; if you can call it that; reemerged stronger than ever.

Ben sighed as he calmed down, but still feeling uneasy.

He recalls his therapist having mentioned that anxiety may cause unpleasant thoughts like these to come more frequently. Guess they were right. That was an especially horrific nightmare this time.

So Ben stayed silent and brought his knees up to his chest, trying to tell himself how it wasn’t real. He kept staring ahead, the room being engulfed in darkness, so Ben instead turned to watch the sleeping figure next to him.

Because he was still there, alive and well as he slept peacefully, back turned to his husband. So was their bedroom with their figurines and games, Hibiki’s books and glasses still on the night table, his prosthetic legs besides them, even the box with cat toys. Though their two companions haven’t joined them for the night, resting in the living room or so Ben presumed.

It was calming him, no matter how much the words still lingered in his mind and he can’t help but smile as he kinda drifted back into the past.

“Um… Hey. What’s your name?”

Ben looked up, his hood and messy wavy hair covering most of his face, a pathetic attempt to hide the bruises, other than band-aids. He saw a boy around his age standing in front of him, eyes and hair a very dark brown, almost black, his legs being the most noticeable part as they seemed fake and like he had trouble standing upright. The boy looked nervous, but still polite.

While not showing so in his expression, Ben was surprised somebody even talked to him, considering he’s just the quiet kid hanging around by himself near the swings like everyday. There are many, surely more interesting, children around them.

The boy started again, going a bit slower: “What’s your na-”

“I heard you the first time.”, Ben cut him off, the boy taken aback, but gaining a wonky smile.

“Oh, sorry. But you gave no answer and some kids say I talk weird sometimes. Or too much and fast, so they don’t know what I meant. ...So you wanna tell me?”

Well, the kids were at least right when it came to the talking too much, but he continued to stay apprehensive, the grip on the swing tightening just slightly. “What do you want from me?”

The boy blinked: “Your name? As I said.”

“Why?”

“Because I keep seeing you around school and wanna meet you?��, the boy answered, moving aside to lean against the swing set instead of just standing around, “You always seem so sad.”

Ben was shocked, he didn’t even think anyone noticed him, or even would talk to him. Most of his classmates ignore him, calling him rude or even creepy.

“I’m fine by myself though”, Ben said, believing it to be true. He wasn’t friendless after all, and he didn’t wish for any more friends.

But he still lied about one thing: “And I’m not sad by the way.”

“Oh… I misunderstood then.”, the boy frowned a little and stopped leaning at the set, maybe now he’ll leave.

But instead he held out his hand to Ben: “Then I’ll just start. I’m Hibiki.”

Ben didn’t return the gesture, still too shocked and confused why this boy hasn’t left him alone yet. A part probably wanting to yell at him to do so, but another stopping him from doing so, yearning for this kind of bond with anyone.

“I’m… Benjamin.”

“Can I call you ‘Ben’ then?”

“No.”

Hibiki pouted, but then accepted it.

They started a; more or less one-sided; conversation. Ben learning way too much about one person just today than he wanted or expected. Like how Hibiki’s family moved here from Japan, some hobbies of his, how invested he is towards animals and how he dreams of having an own bakery or cafe one day.

Most of the time Ben only gave half-assed answers, yet Hibiki never seemed to have minded, while his classmates would have told him off for being arrogant already by this point. It felt… nice.

At one point Hibiki noticed Ben’s Triforce necklace, asking him about it, Ben too ashamed to say too much like usual. So instead Hibiki just pulled out his key-chain of a pink fairy looking thing, the left side missing an arm and wing, as well as the color fading away. He explained it being a Celebi from the Pokemon franchise, but Ben knowing way too little about it to understand a single thing being told to him.

And while it was a strange first encounter, Ben started seeing Hibiki at school or so more and more; Hibiki being just one grade under him; and slowly but surely warming up to him, spending away the days. As long as his parents and… ‘father’ didn’t interfere.

Then again… Ben wasn’t sure if eventually Hibiki would catch on, maybe he’d even join. For him surely. And then it happened sooner than expected.

“Ben… Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Silver.” A nickname Ben picked up after allowing Hibiki to call him just ‘Ben’ finally. Even if more often than not it annoyed Hibiki, because ‘The protagonist is named Gold, the rival is Silver’, but he refused to listen.

“Why are you bruised so often?”

Ben froze and sat up from having laid in the grass, staring at his friend’s worried expression.

“Do you get into fights that often? Do they hurt you badly-”

“No, I don’t get into fights!”, Ben said, a bit too loud as Hibiki flinched, “I-I mean… I get them… I… it’s from baseball practice, remember?”

“I never once saw you play baseball, you never tell anything… And I don’t think that baseball can leave such bad wounds…”

“I get hit in the face A LOT.”, Ben tried, looking around, trying to find any lie or explanation, not noticing how his hands started to shake, “It’s really okay, Hibiki.”

“Somebody keeps on hurting you, don’t they?”

Ben fell silent.

Hibki huffed, attempting to look brave: “Who are they? If they keep doing that-”

“It’s nothing… I deserve it anyways…”, Ben muttered. He couldn’t find anything anymore, too tired for it.

So instead he braced himself and told Hibiki. About his home life and… even the cult.

But he insisted Hibiki never told anyone about it, and he was sure it would be that way.

However just a few weeks later the police scanned the entire city, ending up at Ben’s home, arresting his parents, as others looked for any trace of the leaders and any still missing children. The officers tried to assure Ben that everything was fine now, but also tell them everything he knows that can help them. It scared him, everything fell apart, what if it had consequences? He could feel tears welling up, ready to spill out, but then felt a squeeze at his hand.

Since Hibiki told his parents and the police about it, he also insisted on coming to Ben and comfort him. And he held his word, as he gave a reassuring nod, holding his hand the whole way through as Ben gave in and explained everything.

And since then Hibiki never strayed from Ben’s side. Even when he was sent into an orphanage, far away out of safety with the cult. It was more difficult now of course, states away from each other, but they kept contact up as much and as long as possible.

They met again in a cafe, both grown up, having needed a moment to recognize each other. But once they did, it ending in a heartfelt reunion and looots of catching up. While Ben still had his mostly green clothes; as well as his now even longer wavy brown hair, securely tied in a pony tail now most of the times, due to it no longer having to hide his face; Hibiki changed remarkably.

He’s grown way taller, having been slightly shorter to around the same height as Ben as a child, his hair being dyed a warm reddish brown, Hibiki mentioning he thinks of getting a new hair style as well, and deep red glasses on top of his nose. He became a real adult as Ben would joke, while he remained looking like a teen almost.

It was a joyous moment to find out that Hibiki had moved to a town nearby, meaning it was now easier to uphold contact for them.

The few years after that were messy, Ben’s study in IT leaving him stressed out, while Hibiki never gave up his dream of opening his cafe, so as they got closer started to live together in a nice little apartment. And from there it all came naturally. Confessions, dates, adopting their cats and finally Marriage.

Ben returned from memory lane back into their bedroom, realizing he started embracing Hibiki from behind, a content smile having stretched across his lips. Hibiki was always by his side, even through the troubles and fights and annoyances, mostly towards him.

Like how Ben still never gave up on his nickname ‘Silver’, or how he can’t cook to save their lives or him having refused to go seek a therapist the first few years.

“You worrying about tomorrow?”, a voice asked, catching Ben off guard as Hibiki moved to lay on his back, returning the embrace with one arm, showing him to be awake. Ben remembering that even Hibiki’s voice changed to a low warm tone.

“...No… Just a nightmare…”, Ben muttered as an answer, nuzzling his face into his lover’s chest, closing his eyes; wishing to no longer think about those words and pictures. “About back then…”

Hibiki looked stern: “Just to let you know, I never once regretted it.”

“I know.”

Ben sighs, finally looking back up, smiling: “But I’m better now… I just… started to reminiscence of the past a little…”

“Oh, really now?”, Hibiki chuckled, turning fully on his side instead to look into Ben’s eyes, them sparkling with curiosity to listen. “Like what?”

At least one thing from his child self remained within him.

“Oh, you know, just… back when we were just stupid kids, and how much had changed or not changed when we met again. ...Maybe I should change myself a little like you.”

Ben looked up, smirking: “You think colored contacts would work? And hazel or grey ones? Oh, do you think blond dyed hair would suit me?”

Hibki placed a hand on his husband’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb, cutting him off from his ramblings. “I think you’re beautiful regardless. Especially your eyes. I love your heterochromia, don’t hide it.”

Ben blushed for a second, but then rolled his eyes: “I know that, you sap. But just speaking.”

“Well then. In my opinion, I think blonde hair wouldn’t suit you at all. I can’t force you otherwise though of course.”

Ben giggled: “What, why?”

“I just can’t see it. You and blonde hair? Ugh.”

Ben playfully punched Hibiki in the arm, who didn’t even react to it, still smiling lovingly: “Much better now?”

“I suppose… I’m not… thinking of the nightmare anymore at least.”, Ben trailed off, “But I’m still nervous…”

“What if I fail the interview or… or the cycle continues? I’ll be like them, I-”

“Ben-”

“I can barely take care of myself, I’m not the kindest or so like you, what if I’m gonna ruin everything-”

“Ben!”, Hibiki finally got through as Ben looked back up, still in his arms.

“You’re going to be a wonderful dad. You wanted this for so long, didn’t you?”

Ben hesitated, but nodded.

“See? I know you’re going to love and care for the child the best you can. And if you’re nervous of being bad: Remember that you knowledge it and worry about it being the case. So you can’t be all that bad.” Hibiki pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. “Because only bad people don’t care about the wrong they’re causing.”

“...How many times am I going to hear that sentence from you or Steven in my life?”, Ben joked.

“Well, until it is finally ingrained in your brain.”

Hibiki snuggled into his lover’s soft hair as he brings him closer.

“It’s late, let’s try and sleep. We’ll have more restless nights afterwards.”

Ben nodded once more, trying to fall back into slumber.

He does so, hoping the best for tomorrow.

#drownedsilver week 2021 #drownedsilver week #ship week #drownedsilver #fanfic writing #fanfic #fanfiction #creepypasta #gamepasta #gamingpasta #gaming creepypasta #pokepasta #tw child abuse #tw past child abuse #tw bruises #ben drowned #lost silver

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marshmallow-phd · 4 years

Text

The Anormic

Part of The Experiments Universe

Genre: Lucky One/Obsession AU

Pairing: Kris x Reader

Summary: You were everything he needed to feel human. But not even your presence could keep the nightmares away. The years had gone by and it seemed his dreams were all that was left of his trauma. When his past comes back and snatches you away, the human mask he’d worked so hard to create will be ripped away and he’ll stop at nothing to get you back.

Part: 1 I 2 I 3

Kris lifted the glass to his lips, letting the harsh alcohol slide down and sting the soft tissue of his throat. Emotional pop music blared from the worn out speakers hanging from various places on the walls. Bungie cables held the heavier boxes in place, wrapped tightly around the frame to keep them from crashing to the floor. He felt pathetic, sitting there on that bar stool, sipping on drinks that did nothing to cure him of his nightmares. Every time he closed his eyes and let his mind wander, he saw the doctors hovering over him, with their needles and toxins and tests. It seemed no matter how far he ran, he couldn’t escape the memories.

“Another one?” the pretty bartender offered. She smiled at him flirtatiously. A curtain of black hair hung from either side of her angular face, landing near the crooks of her elbows, and dark eyes shined under the low lighting. She probably saw his kind all the time. The burdened who thought they could fix whatever was broken in them with a strong drink. But this was only a band aide. His real medicine was elsewhere.

“No, thank you.” Kris pulled his wallet out of his pocket, threw down a bill, and stood up. “Keep the change.”

Disappointed, the bartender took the cash and rang it into the register.

It wasn’t hard to flag down a cab and give the driver his address. At this time of night, they flocked to the bar district, eager to pick up as many intoxicated passengers as they could before the parting ending for the night. Within fifteen minutes he was home. Outside, he looked up at the commonplace building, insignificant brick that blended in with the rest of the street. The apartment wasn’t anything fancy or luxurious, but it was enough. It was better than some. More than what he used to have.

All the lights were out when he stepped through the door. The only sound came from the air conditioner humming as it did its job. Tossing his keys down on the table, he shuffled his way through the dark until he made it to the bedroom. He closed the door as softly as he could before sitting on the edge of the bed and taking off his shoes. The world felt heavy on his shoulders. He was lost, feeling like he should be doing more with his life, but he didn’t know what it could be.

“Kris?”

Sighing, he turned to look over his shoulder.

You sat up and rubbed your eyes so they’d adjust to the darkness. The blankets fell down to your lap and exposed you to the cold given the camisole top you’d warn to bed. Shuffling closer to him, you rested your chin on his shoulder, rubbing his arm comfortingly. “It’s late.”

“I know,” Kris sighed.

He wasn’t even sure why he stayed away, why he went on these excursions as if he’d find the answer to his life out there. As soon as he came back here to your arms, he felt better. Like a warm fire in the middle of a harsh winter, you comforted him, thawed what had once been left for dead. No matter what he did you were there for him to fall into. You made him smile when happiness felt out of reach and your touch grounded him. There was only one problem with this perfect life with you. You thought he was normal.

As far as you were concerned, he was an orphan who grew up in a home and then went out on his own. He wasn’t rich or stable or open, but you stayed around anyway. There were times you’d ask about his past, a detail or moment you were curious about. Kris had mastered the ability to dodge such questions or give a vague enough answer that it wouldn’t technically be a lie. So many times he thought about telling you the truth. About sitting you down and explaining how he wasn’t entirely human, about how his nightmares weren’t random or forgettable. But he could never do it. He was too afraid of losing you.

“Everything okay?” you asked softly.

Kris nodded, not trusting his voice. It didn’t matter. You still didn’t believe him. Perhaps that was your own superpower, the ability to hear a lie, even the silent kind. Shoving the blanket off your lap, you threw a leg over his lap so you were now facing each other, your fingers interlocked behind his neck.

“What’s going on? Please, tell me. I want to help.”

Kris sighed. He hated seeing you frown like that. “It’s nothing you can help with. Just… thoughts in my head.”

“What kind of thoughts?”

“Nothing bad,” he insisted. “I’ve just been thinking about… the orphanage. My past. Wondering where I’m supposed to be going. It seems all I can do is look back when I’m trying to go forward.”

“Well,” your frown morph into a small smile as you played with the hair at the nape of his neck, “I don’t know if I want you to go somewhere. I kind of like you here.”

That made him laugh, just once. “I wouldn’t go anywhere without you.”

“Good.” You pressed your lips to his, sealing that promise. Kris wrapped his arms around your waist and shifted so you were now lying back down on the bed. He hovered over you, taking in every feature he could, from the shape of your nose to the outline of your lips. The way your eyes were filled with so many words when you looked at him would be burned in his memory forever.

“I love you, (y/n),” he whispered.

“I love you, too.”

And with your soft kisses and warm touch, he found himself forgetting about his worries. Finding you after wandering for so long was the small light in his life. What good thing had he done to deserve you?

Whatever it was, he was thankful. Oh, so thankful.

The sun trickled in from between the blinds, oh-so kindly beaming on your face to pull you from the wonderful land of sleep. As your consciousness came to the surface, you groaned. Why must the morning always come? You like the night, the cover the darkness gave. It lingered on the feeling of anything could happen. When the morning came, the desired mystery ran for the shadows to bring back the average, the dull.

A hand instinctively reached out to the space beside you. Upon feeling the cold sheets, you opened your eyes and sat up. You frowned. Any normal morning, you would be the first one awake and struggling to coax Kris out of the bed to get started on the day. But today brought you the surprise of an empty bed. You worried that Kris hadn’t slept at all. Climbing out of bed and stealing one of his jackets to fend off the cold air, you shuffled out into the living room. The smell of breakfast filtered in through your nose.

“You’re… cooking?”

The giggles couldn’t be held back. You were too astonished. Of his many talents, putting together an edible meal wasn’t exactly one of them. Barely glancing over his shoulder at you, Kris said, “I wanted something specific today.”

“You could have just asked. I would have made it.”

“You looked like you needed the sleep.”

That was a lie. If anyone needed sleep, it was him. But you let him stick to that story – this time. The sudden urge to be close to him pulled you into the kitchen where you wrapped your arms around his torso and laid your head against his back. His skin was warm, the steady pulse of his heartbeat reminding you that he was indeed real and not simply a figment of your imagination, a perfect daydream made up to shine up your dull life. The day you met Kris hadn’t been the greatest of your life, but each day after… you called them your little miracles.

With you still attached to him like an overgrown child, he reached up and took two plates out of the cabinet. Filling them up with the mouthwatering (albeit slightly burnt) food, you finally let go and gave the poor guy room to move over to the table that doubled as your studying space. Kris started to move the small cardboard boxes that currently occupied the table, but one of the lids began to slip, you jumped in and took it to the living room. The last thing you needed right now was for him to see what that particular box contained.

“Everything alright?” Kris asked, confused at your slightly frantic manner.

“Yeah,” you slapped on a smile, playing the part of innocence. “These are just old cases for my research project. I’m supposed to be careful with them.”

Kris took you at your word. “How’s that coming?”

“Pretty good. I’m about halfway through it.”

School had never been easy for you. Over the years, you’d lost count over the amount of times you’d started and stopped, never sure of what direction you wanted to go in. You were jealous of the others on campus, so sure of what career they were going to pursue, what major they were focused on. You never had such direction. Since you were young, you’d always had an interest in law and seeking the truth, but you neither wanted to be a lawyer or a detective. It wasn’t until right before you met Kris almost two years ago that you figured it out from a TV show. One of the characters on the drama worked for a law firm, fact checking and tracking down leads that might help the client in court. After researching and learning that, in fact, such a job did exist, you’d realized you’d found your calling. A way to satisfy your constant curiosity and help those who might not be able to help themselves. Funny how the good things came to you almost all at once.

Shaking his head, Kris blew out a long breath from between his lips, scoffing at the end like a period to his wordless sentence. “I don’t know how you do it.”

You moved the last of the boxes, careful to pile the rest so the first wasn’t easily accessible. “Do what?”

“Everything. Your classes, your papers, the internship.”

You shrugged. “It’s all just to get me where I’m going. You could do it, too, if you wanted to.”

Kris shook his head again. “No, you’re the ambitious one in this relationship. You’ve always been smarter than me.”

Feeling mischievous, you walked over and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek. “Oh, hun, you don’t make it that hard.” Big mistake. Kris gaped at you, clearly offended. Then he puffed himself up and you knew you were in for it. “No, no, I was just kidding! I’m sorry!” Too late. You ran from the kitchen, hurrying to get to the bedroom and shut the door, but you were too slow. Pick you up, Kris jumped onto the bed with you in his arms. You wiggled and fought to get out of his grip, but he was too strong so all you could was laugh. His own deep chuckle rumbled in your ear as he tortuously tickled your sides.

“Do you give?” he asked, pausing but still not letting go.

After regaining your breath, you pushed out a “Yes, I give!”

He kissed your lips. “Good. Now, come on. I don’t want to eat cold food.” You stuck your tongue out at him in response, but let him hold your hand as he pulled you to your feet and back to the table. Perhaps mornings weren’t so bad after all.

Kris was sore when he walked through the front entrance. It’d been a long day out at the farm he worked on and he was ready to relax the night away with you, but there was something he had to do first. He was back at the bar, but this time it wasn’t to drown his sorrows alone. Waiting at a high-top was a tanned skin, platinum blond glued to the phone in their hands.

“You’re going to ruin your eyes if you keep staring at it,” Kris teased as he sat down.

Tao scoffed. “If a bullet can’t kill us then I hardly doubt some blue light will hurt our eyes.” The punk was probably right. Modern concerns like that were hardly on their list of worries. Putting the phone off to the side, Tao narrowed his eyes. “Are you still not sleeping?”

“I was, a bit,” Kris corrected. “But lately… not so much.”

“Have you talked to (y/n) about it?”

Before he could answer, a waiter came over to check on the two of them. They ordered drinks and Tao threw in some sort of appetizer platter. Kris had hoped the conversation would naturally turn in another direction, but he was let down. Tao was not going to let his worry over his closest friend go.

“Have you said anything to her?”

“No, I haven’t.” He almost did this morning. While you sat across from him at the table, he could tell that you were holding back, wanting to question how he was up before you when most days he didn’t want to leave the covers. Even after being with you, feeling you breath evenly beside him, he couldn’t get his mind to turn off. He couldn’t relax. It felt as if his body was preparing for something – something bad. He opened his mouth several times to start that conversation, but other words came out instead. “Do you ever wonder if it’s really over?”

What he had expected was reassurance. For Tao to laugh it off and tell him to quit stressing over what didn’t matter. It had been years since they escaped, years since they ended it. Now, they could be like everyone else, at least on the surface. But that wasn’t what he received.

Tao frowned, his eyes lowering to the table between them. “I feel like something’s coming. I don’t know what, but… there might be a reason to be wondering that.”

Swallowing thickly, Kris replied, “Have you seen anything?”

“No,” Tao admitted. “I haven’t. But I can’t make the feeling go away.”

“Damn it!” Kris slammed his fist on the table with enough force to tip over the plastic cup of water that sat on the edge. Before it could tip over completely, everything around them froze. Only Tao and Kris were mobile as the former caught the glass while it hovered in the air and placed it back on the table. Time resumed once again. Kris raised an eyebrow. “You’re getting better at that.”

“I’ve been practicing,” Tao smirked. “You?”

“No. I don’t use that… gift, just in case I get caught.” Especially by you.

Tao rolled his eyes. “You’re going to have to tell her someday, you know that right? Stuff like this doesn’t stay a secret forever.”

“I can at least try.”

Seeing the lack of progress this conversation was having, Tao changed the subject. He filled Kris in on all the places he’d gone, his favorite being an island in the south pacific. Paradise, he called it over and over again. Kris filed that information away for later. Perhaps when you were done with the semester, he could take you there. The two of you could get away for a little while, pretend this city didn’t exist and simply be with each other.

Normally when Kris came home you were either studying away in the living room with your textbooks and notes spread out all over the floor or you were cooking dinner with your favorite songs blaring from your phone’s small speaker on the counter. But he was greeted by neither scenario as he stepped through the door.

All was quiet in the apartment. Too quiet for you to be home. Thinking maybe he’d missed a call or text, he checked his phone, but there was nothing. Odd. You never did that. A cold sweat emerged from his very pores.

“(y/n)? (y/n)?”

No answer.

He flipped on the lights and fell to his knees.

The place was a disaster, signs of a fight around every corner. The bookcase was overturned, the glass coffee table that you were so proud of was smashed to pieces, and so much more was in utter chaos. His heart raced when he saw the blood. There were only small traces, but he still knew that you’d been hurt. Running through the rest of the apartment, he searched for any clue as to what had happened or who might have taken you. Just when he was about to dial the police, he saw it.

It was too perfectly placed for it to be an accident. Whether you were the one who left it or your kidnapper had put it there to taunt him, he wasn’t sure, but it gave him a place to start.

Lying on the floor of the bedroom was a piece of black cloth with ripped, frayed edges. The emblem stitched into the cloth was one he knew too well when he was undercover in EXO. It was the symbol for Regeneration Science, a red R & S intertwined in a sinister, almost snake-like way. Or maybe it was just Kris’ experience that made him see it in that light. Right now that didn’t matter. Right now, he needed to find out why they took you. Why, after all these years, were they coming after him again? They’d destroyed the research and files EXO had on all of them and Moo San was dead.

Fury pulse through Kris. The only danger he’d ever considered you to be in was from himself, not his past. It was supposed to be over.

Kris flipped. Fear was gone and in its place nothing but determination. Shoving the emblem into his pocket, he started making his way around the apartment. In a few spots around the bedroom, he’d hidden various weapons in places he knew you wouldn’t find. They were for emergencies. In the back of his mind, he must have known that this would happen. Tao was right, something bad had come. And now you were in the middle of it. His anger surging, he threw whatever clothes his hands landed on in a duffel bag, his wallet, a few toiletries, along with other necessities. As he made one last trip to the bathroom, something crinkled under his foot.

The cracks that formed in his heart were nearly audible as he crouched down and picked up the rounded piece of metal that had fallen on the floor. In the palm of his hand was the charm from the necklace he’d surprised you with on your one year anniversary. It was a small bird with wings that would never have been big enough to carry them through the air. Wrapping the charm in his fist, Kris closed his eyes and kissed his fingers. Then he snapped them back open.

They would regret this. They would regret coming after him, they would regret taking you away from him. If you were hurt in anyway, they would pay. He would make sure of it.

Throwing the bag over his shoulder, he flipped off the lights and left the apartment, refusing to come back until he was with you again.

Hold on, (y/n). I’m coming for you.

#exo #exo obsession au #exo obsession!au #kris x reader #kris wu #wu yifan #exo lucky one au #exo lucky one!au #exo sci fi au #exo series #The Experiments Universe #The Anormic

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mcshiiin · 4 years

Text

Title: Worthless

Sypnosis: Just TsukkiYama angst that no one asked for

Pairings: Tsukishima Kei × Yamaguchi Tadashi

[A/n: Welcome to my Angst Mondays.]

"All I wanted was your genuine love, Tsukki!"

Tadashi's breathing synced with the rhythmic beating of his heart. Each contraction is a poison to his system. A dull knife carving a scar on his soul.

"Yamaguchi," not a minute passed when Kei's low voice touched his ears; but it wasn't gentle like they used to be. It's harsh, unforgiving. It used to be soft, affectionate. He used to call him Tadashi.

"I can't love you unless you love yourself first."

"Okay you know what? Fuck you!"

To say the least, Kei didn't expect Tadashi to use that kind of language.

"Don't you dare use that bullshit logic on me, Kei. I may not have the ability to give it to myself but I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be cherished!"

Tadashi spit his name with so much hate it pierced through Tsukishima's seemingly ice cold heart. The impending wave of tears finally found its way through the freckle covered cheeks of his. Grief crashed along with intense anger it made his balled fist shake with animosity. He seethes through gritted teeth, almost growling at the latter.

"I'm taking my leave," said Tadashi after a minute of silence. He turned away from him, took half a step. He took another half step, then another, slowly walking away from his lover. He trembled in pain, and quivered in ire. Tsukki didn't even bother to chase him.

"I-I... I take back what I said, T-Tadashi."

Kei thought the lump on his throat would never go away. If it never did, he would be forever grieving. He wouldn't forgive himself for lying to Tadashi.

"What the fuck?"

"You deserve all the love in this world, Dashi."

The said Dashi whipped his neck so fast he almost broke his bone. The silly nicknamed made it hard so to leave. A stray sob then erupted from his pale lips.

"I lied at first. I love you. I could go on all day and list everything I adore about you yet 24-hours wouldn't suffice. You self harm, you hate yourself, but I still loved you. I still do."

Yamaguchi remained silent; almost hoping they could get back together.

"I just don't want to lose my self."

Tsukishima could die any moment now. The pure torment dripping off of Tadashi can obliterate him. The blonde can't let go of Yamaguchi with him thinking he's unworthy. Although they need to let go of each other at some point.

"I'm breaking up with you. Please, whatever reason you may come up on why I'm doing this, disregard those. You see, Yamaguchi, we're both poison to each other. It hurts me more than it hurts to you when you refuse to accept your flaws and treat yourself as something lower than a trash.

When you fall to a self-pitying pit, what do I do? I'd climb down to rescue you. To remind you how great, amazing, and superb partner you are in the best way I could. You know how bad I am in terms of affection, right? How many times have I told you how beautiful you are? How many times have I told you how lucky I am to see the whole universe in one glance at your face?"

Tsukishima felt more strained right now than having to play 5 volleyball matches. With every move of his heart comes a sharp knife cutting through his flesh. His knees are very week at the moment. If he could only latch onto his lover, he would never let go.

"Yamaguchi, do you know why I love you so much?"

At loss for words, he shook his head.

"Because I loved myself first. Yamaguchi, you can't give what you don't have. And just like you, I believe deserve to be loved. I deserve someone that'll appreciate me. I, too, deserve to be cherished.

I don't deserve to be treated as someone like a band-aid that you'll use to cover up your bruises. I'm bleeding too."

Quick as a lightning, the brunette grab a hold of his hand tightly. Almost pulvorizing his bones out of shock and disbelief. With small hiccups falling from his lips, he tried his best to speak.

"T-Tsukki... N-no. I'll change. I'll change for you, for us. Please no. Give me... two, no three, yes. Three days and I'll come back as someone better! Don't love, just don't."

Tsukki tried but failed miserably. Tears are also streaming non-stop from his eyes just like Yamaguchi. Both crying for different reasons. One for loving too much, one for too much sorrow.

"I love you enough to leave you, so you cannot further destroy yourself. So please I beg you, let us go."

He removed the hands clutching on him for dear life. He can't be weak spirited or else this won't end. He need to be brave, to be courageous to set him free.

"But you told me you'll always be there for me. Why are you breaking your promise, Kei?"

"Because if I don't leave, there's no escaping the ugly aftermath of this. I'm losing myself while loving you. If I'm reduced to nothing but a hollow shell of who I was, how can I possibly stay and be there for you?'

And with that, they never saw each other again until 10 years later in the most inconvenient place of all.

The amusement park, 4pm at August 31st.

Tsukishima collided into something hard, and soft at the same time. Soft enough not to be a wall or a pole, and hard enough not be a mascot of some sort.

The event was so sudden, so fast, he stood there frozen.

"Oww. Man, you gotta look where you are going."

Yamaguchi Tadashi sat on the floor on his bum. He wasn't holding anything, so nothing spilled. He's somewhat okay, except for his butt that had a rough time with the floor. Unknowingly, the person he bumped with was star strucked and fell head over heals once again.

"You didn't even bothered helping me h-- TSUKKI?"

Thank you so much Yams, you made it all awkward, calling your ex like that as if there's no bitter history between you too.

"Ahem. Sorry I was so shocked to see you here. You weren't the one to be spotted in these kinds of place in the first place."

"Clumsy as ever, ne?"

"Hahahaha."

They got along well in an instant. An old friends, an old soul reaching its destination all these years. No resentment. No things left unsaid.

"Are you with you're significant other?"

The blonde shook his head, a rare, small smile grazing his dainty lips.

"I'm actually with my family. We got separated for some obvious reasons and here we are."

Yamaguchi wondered, has Tsukki's face always been this bright? An ethereal glow illuminating his features, highlighting the happiness in him. Tsukishima noticed his stare and was quick to change the topic.

"Why are you here again?"

"Oh I got lost. I'm with Kuroo. We've been dating for about 2 years, you know?"

I see. He thought but didn't voiced it. They were sitting on a nearby bench and inhaling the soft ambiance of the park. So serene, so calm, so painful.

Nothing changed, Dashi is still as gorgeous as ever.

"Kei," he hesitated but still proceeded. "Look, I'm sorry for what--!"

Kei doesn't want to hear it.

"No. There's no changing the past. We're both on a better place now, right? And that's what matters."

"Tsukki-!"

Got cut off again.

"Dashi, I just want to remind you, you're worthless," curiosity resurfaced on the said man's face but he disregarded it since he spotted a familiar rooster hair on the crowd behind them.

"You're worthless. Not because your existence has no value rather there's nothing as valuable can measure up to your whole being."

-Fin

[A/n: Big thanks to you if you reached up to this point. I hope you enjoyed!]

#tsukishima kei #tsukishima #kei #tsukishima angst #yamaguchi tadashi #yamaguchi #tadashi #yamaguchi angst #karasuno #haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#angst #tsukkiyama

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teacupwritings · 4 years

Note

im on some weird shit because im crying about mirio so i want a mirio headcanon. mirio with a s/o who super clumsy

Ahh cute! I was waiting for someone to request my sweetest baby boy, he deserves the world so imma make this headcannon as fluffy as I can

- this deleted as soon as i was almost done writing it so I literally cried all over my laptop while writing the ending of this, so pleseeee enjoy!

Also I’m going to call out @jaideite for hating on Mirio and calling him weird, we don’t Stan 🙃 jk don’t attack me with your 1k followers

Characters: Mirio

Request: open duh

MIRIO WITH A CLUMSY S/O

MIRIO TOGATA

++ is genuinely shocked at the amount of times you fall on a daily basis

++ he low-key finds it endearing

++ it takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over nothing in his opinion

++ have you ever seen one of those shitty cliche teenage romance movies?

++ The ones where the main protagonist was always tripping over their own feet into the love interest’s arms?

++ its literally like they got nothing better to do with their lives smh

++ yeah but those just about sum up your’s and Mirio’s relationship for as long as you guys could remember

++ don’t even get started on the first day you met

++ your first encounter with Mirio was extremely…I mean EXTREMELY awkward

++ it was your first day at UA and you were running late

++ like you most usually were

++ your uniform was unironed and badly tucked in and all that jazz

++ you overall looked like you got into an argument with a homeless man behind a 7/11 dumpster

++ so much for first impressions

++ and it was all because you forgot today was a Monday and not a Saturday so you didn’t set your alarm

++ or maybe that was just the lie you were trying your best to come up with to explain to your teacher why you were late on the first day of school

++ you weren’t too late but you still had to make a stop at your locker

++ so as you were running down the hallway there was an conveniently placed book bag on the floor in the middle of the overly crowded area

++ and you being the oh so graceful person you are managed to trip over said book bag

++ Mirio has always had this sort of hero complex and we all know this

++ so when he saw you about to make a mockery of yourself in front of your soon to be classmates he decided it would be a good idea to swoop in and save the day

++ he activated his quirk and made it as quickly as he could to your aid

++ unfortunately for him he managed to get the lower half of his body stuck in the ground and he lost his pants in the span of five seconds

++ poor baby still didn’t know how to use his quirk

++ cue Tamaki standing in the background dying of second hand embarrassment

++ on the bright side he did catch you sorta and you were fine

++ for the most part

++ minus the fact that you rammed your nose into his perfect forehead and had to spend half of first block in recovery girls office

++ he came to apologize as soon as he could well i mean after he found his clothing

++ “ I really should have planned that one out huh? How are you feeling now?”

++ “ Pretty good.”

++ you really don’t know when to stop running your mouth

++ “ How do YOU feel after half of the school saw your willy on the first day?”

++ “My…What?”

++ “…”

++ sometimes you need to know when enough talking is enough

++ as he got stronger through out his years at UA the two of you became super close he promised himself that he would always catch you if you fall

++ and honestly it was a damn challenge

++ but ever since his quirk began advancing he has always been there for you

++ you found it pretty cute ngl

++ he doesn’t really trust you when it comes to cooking or anything that has to do with the kitchen

++ it seems you forget that things that have been heated up are actually hot

++ like the time you were baking cookies and grabbed the pan with your bare hands

++ of course this ended with you on the brink of tears and Mirio kissing your palms promising it would get better soon

++ don’t even get me started with sharp objects

++ no matter what you could be doing weather it be cooking or arts and crafts you would always manage to unintentionally harm yourself in some sort of way

++ so now Mirio keeps all-might band-aids on him 24/7

++ just in case you can never be too careful

++ sometimes he gets really fed up when the two of you are training

++ he wants you to become as good of a hero as him and you really can’t do that with falling on your face half of the time

++ he is always having these private training sessions with you

++ mainly focusing on your balance and running

++ soon enough he decides pick up lines are beneficial to your relationship

++ “ I guess you couldn’t help but fall for my good looks.” ;)

++ you almost threw up a little

++ “ that one was almost as funny as the last time you told me…the same exact joke.”

++ he was a big dork but you still love him

———— spoilers for bnha season 4

++ when he lost his quirk he still kept his promise to you that he would always catch you when you fell

++ “ you gotta take it easy Mirio your still recovering.”

++ he doesn’t care

++ as long as he could continue to ‘save’ people, you specifically he was happy.

++ even without a quirk

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old-school-butch · 4 years

Note

I'm sorry if this comes off as inappropriate but I feel as though if I brought this up to my friends they'd only encourage me to transition. Anyway, I'm a biological woman but I'm utterly exhausted of being one. I don't think of myself as a man, but I'd do anything to escape the discomfort of living as a woman. I want to transition because I'm tired of living with the knowledge that people think less of me or want to hurt me simply because I'm a woman. I'm tired of my chronic pain (Endometriosis) not being taken seriously. I'm so fucking tired, and yet I know transitioning would only be a band-aid in the best case scenario. Do you or any of your followers have any recommendations on how I can get past this? Thank you.

This is why feminism exists - because being a woman shouldn’t be such a burden. Trying to run away from patriarchy’s influence isn’t going to work, so I guess I’d say that:

1. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Many women are fed up with being ignored and abused, and we need to stand together to fight this.

2. A part of you may still feel ‘ok, but if I deek out and avoid all this, won’t I be better off?’ The stats on post-transition suicides aren’t really available, but I predict they will be very high. Living a false identity is incredibly stressful, and if patriarchy let women identify out of womanhood, we’d all have done that already. What will happen is that you’ll be isolated from other women, without even the words you need to describe what’s happening to you. Part of the reason trans men whine a lot about discrimination and transphobia is because they have to change their language to describe sexism, but the problems remain. I also have no idea what happens to endometriosis when you take testosterone, and I doubt anyone else does. I understand the promise of escape, but it’s a false promise.

3. Getting some resilience to the discomforts of living is a useful toolkit to develop. You’ll need it not just for being a woman, and for illness, but also for aging, for being lonely and times when you’re overwhelmed. Figuring out what you need to get through the process is something that will stand you in good stead throughout life’s many low moments.

Generally speaking, the social support of even a small group of friends will provide a great balm and sense of healing as the world cuts away at you, so make sure to seek that out and secure it. If your friends would just encourage you to transition, you need new friends. Read some radfem books (there are repositories online for free) and find friends who get it.

Regular self-care, including good sleep, exercise and time to reflect and recharge, are keys to being able to power through tough situations.

Make a care plan for yourself. You need a better doctor - perhaps a female doctor or try Planned Parenthood (they are full of gender but provide good care). You deserve to be taken seriously.

A long-term therapist is an another asset that can definitely be helpful. This is someone who knows you, even if you don’t see them very often. Often, limited income results in people getting short-term therapy, which isn’t as useful. Think of building this relationship as a long-term asset, when you have the income to do so, so that you can access effective support for a small price down the road.

If you want more pointers, come off anon and DM me.

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kiatheinsomniac · 4 years

Text

Huntress III

[ I ] [ II ] [ III ] [ IV ]

(Y/n) groggily arose from her bed, the sunlight of a late morning pouring in through the leaded windows, covering her in a blanket of diamond-shaped shadows. Beside her was the book which she had fallen asleep while reading. The thick pillar candle resting on the bedside had melted down three inches, wax pouring down its sides and melting in little dribbles, some of it pooling on the wood of the table.

Licking her thumb and index finger, (Y/n) quickly squeezed the wick to extinguish the flame that had been dancing all night, illuminating the room while she had slept.

She rubbed her (e/c) eyes and pushed back the locks of hair that had escaped her twin faux braids. Sitting up and dangling her legs off the side of the bed, she reached back to begin unweaving her hair, letting the river of (h/c) locks cascade behind her. She dropped all the little pins and bands onto the crumpled crimson sheets under her as she took her hair and began weaving it into dutch braids and winding it around the back of her neck, creating a crown from her own hair.

She stood to discard her clothes, folding them and placing them neatly into the trunk at the end of the bed before pulling out a black pair of trousers, a white blouse and some arm guards.

(Y/n) slid the blouse on first. It had billowing sleeves and turned to lace over the top of her chest, the woven pattern climbing up high on her neck, secured with a bow at her nape. Next, she tugged on the leg-hugging black trousers, tucking the blouse in as she tied up the front of the trousers, pulling the crisscrossing cords into a tight double bow. The (e/c)-eyed female then used her teeth to tighten her ebony arm guards. They made the lace cuffs of the blouse stand out more while the rest of the shirt puffed out against her upper arms. She then pulled on her boots and slung a bag over her shoulder.

Her eyes drifted back to the book.

In her profession, the knew better than to doubt the powers which she had read about on those pages. A previous civilisation, more advanced than our own, sounded ridiculous yet. . . The vampire wouldn't have taken the pages if he didn't believe in it himself or if he hadn't been exposed to one of those 'Pieces of Eden' at some point in his immortal life.

She picked it up and tossed it into her bag. She knew that she couldn't ask the Doge about it because she had stolen it from him and it was something which he was clearly trying to cover up. Her mind wandered for answers. Who in Venice would be about to help her decipher the coded parts of the text without the Doge knowing? The culture was changing, there were so many beautiful and bright minds nowadays.

An alchemist perhaps? A poet? An artist? An engineer? Of course! She knew exactly who to find as she turned the key in the lock and ran out of the mansion in search of the man whom she had just recalled. All she had was a name but with enough asking, she would be able to find him.

♰♰♰

It was a few hours later and (Y/n) found herself rather hungry, having left her room in the Doge's mansion without anything to eat. But eventually, she found herself knocking on the sheltered door of a studio. She pummelled her first insistently against the thick wood until a fairly young boy opened it.

"Hello, I'm looking for Leonardo? Da Vinci?" She peeked inside, attempting to get a better look into the building in order to spot the man himself.

"What for?" The young boy, clearly an apprentice, asked.

"I was told that he could help me to decode an old book that I found." She replied.

"Send her in!" A man called from somewhere inside. The young boy stood aside to allow (Y/n) to enter.

When she walked inside, there were odd contraptions hanging from the ceiling. Architectural drawings were sprawled out across tables and pinned to walls. There were half-finished paintings on easels and jars of murky paint water on stools. Sketches of anatomy were all pinned to the wall above a desk with very detailed charcoal drawings on it. Though, the windows were covered by sheets and it was oddly dark, candles lighting the place.

She was met by a blonde man with blue eyes who was rather short and wore a large hat.

But he wasn't the only person in the room.

Instantly, (Y/n) knew what this other man was. Whether he was the vampire she was searching for or a much more discreet one whom she didn't know of, she was unsure.

He was gorgeous. Flawless olive skin, glimmering brown eyes like polished smokey quartz, dark hair that shone healthily and was tied back. His odd white and red robes hugged his muscular arms, leading you to the conclusion that the rest of his body was very toned too.

When their eyes met, there was a mutual understanding that she knew what he was and he knew that she was the witch hunter.

He seemed caught off guard for a moment before his brows furrowed as he examined her, eyes widening with surprise when he picked up something about her — the last thing he ever would have expected from such a woman.

"Hello Leonardo," she turned to the artist, "My name's (Y/n) (L/n). I know that you don't know me but I've been told that you could help me decipher this book and I could really do with some help. It's for a case I'm working on and it would mean a lot to me. I can pay you however much you want." It was a risk to work right in front of the creature whom she needed to hunt down but she simply had to understand what was going on.

"Leonardo," Ezio spoke up, "Could you leave us alone for a moment please?"

The artist shot a glance of confusion in the direction of his friend. What was he playing at? Was it to do with the brotherhood? Or was he simply trying to charm the woman? Either way, he nodded and made his way to the garden.

(Y/n)'s hand snaked to the dagger at her hip. She was poorly prepared for a vampire attack, she had not been expecting him to be there — in broad daylight no less!

"You're in over your head." The vampire spoke simply, "I have work I need to do and I don't want you getting in the way. You don't need to die in this. Leave now. Go home and find work elsewhere." He truly did want peace. After all, his goal was to stop the unnecessary killing. He didn't want to kill her but he couldn't have her in the way of his plans either.

"You're right. There are people in this world who don't have to get caught in the crossfire. There are graves belonging to the people who didn't have to die." She lunged towards him and unsheathed her blade, though it was quickly deflected with his hidden blade which shot out from his sleeve. The point of her blade was poised at his chest, hovering over his heart. "And those people will only be avenged once blood has been paid for with blood." Her (e/c) eyes were a maelstrom of anguish and rage, tearing apart cliffs and commanding tidal waves.

"Who hurt you?" The vampire spoke with a gentle voice. But she knew better than to trust the creature's charms. She pulled back and held her dagger in a tight grip, ready to strike at the best moment.

"You. Your kind. Every single one of you." Her brows hung low over her eyes and she shook with adrenaline. "And I won't stop. Not until the price has been paid."

The olive-skinned man let out a sigh as his blade retracted and he raised a hand into the air. (Y/n) suddenly found herself unable to move, frozen in place. The panic was evident on her face.

"Don't worry. I won't hurt you." He spoke in a soothing tone, his voice was like thick honey and blackberries with a sweet, fruity wine. But she knew that all those luxuries in his tone were laced with cantarella.

"You haven't hypnotised me. Why can't I move?"

"It's my unique ability — I can control living things' ability to move. I thought I could control objects at first but it turned out that what I can control is muscle tissue. I could make you do whatever I wanted right now but I think I need you to stay still so that you don't try to kill me." There was a hint of humour in his tone at the end. "I want to understand you. Tell me: why is a witch hunting the supernatural?" His hand caressed the side of her face, brushing the stray lock of hair behind her ear as her body was moved to a more neutral position where she was not poised with a dagger in her clutch.

"Lower your voice!" She hissed. She scrunched her eyes shut as he ran a hand down the artery of her neck. She didn't feel safe. He said that he needed her out of the way earlier and he could very well just drink her blood there and have it over with.

She had never encountered a vampire with such a dangerous ability before. Fire and reading thoughts were worrisome, yes, but to control another person's body? That was deadly on an entirely new level. At the back of her mind, she willed for a spirit to protect her, to wrap its arms around her and repel the vampire who caressed her cheek ever so softly. But no spirit nor fae rushed to her aid.

"There's no need for that." He spoke up, knowing full well what she was trying to do, "Even they know that I won't hurt you." He retracted this hand to let it fall to his side. "Who was taken from you? Why do you blame my kind? Why must this blood price be paid?"

Silence.

"(Y/n), come on, carissima, I won't let you go until I have answers. Are you a solitary witch?"

"I wasn't always solitary." She replied, her walls fracturing, the thought of finally being able to speak too irresistible, "I. . . I lost my sisters. All twelve." His lips parted in sorrow and he reached up to brush a tear that rolled down her cheek. The witch hunter would have pushed his hand away if only she had control over her body. Ezio knew what witches meant by 'sisters'.

"Your coven. . . I know what that's like. I watched my father and brothers be hanged. They didn't deserve it either, they were innocents. My father fought for freedom and my brothers were still boys. I was still a boy. . ." His natural charms were working on her, luring her into safety without him even needing to try.

"I watched them burn and I hid. I was the only one who made it out and I watched every single one of them go up in flames." A sob shook her chest, "And it's the vampires' fault! If they had only kept away from the town then witchcraft would not have been suspected! We never hurt the people! Never! And they turned on us all because a vampire had taken to killing men in the village! They were all innocent! I was innocent!" A long silence followed. ". . . They didn't need to die. . ."

She felt herself crumple to the floor, Ezio no longer needing to control her into their unspoken truce. Instead, he crouched down beside her and held her as she cried. She cried out all of the pain that she had pent up over six years until she dissolved to a hiccuping mess.

All the while, Ezio ran his hand up and down her back and let her press her face into his shoulder. Every part of her screamed to get away from him and yet. . .

She had never felt so right.

No one - no one - had given her any affection in years; no one could hear her story lest she be burned too; no one had held her and told her it was ok and that she didn't need to fight anymore; no one had touched her in so long and, gods, she was so touch-starved that it made her light up and feel alive, like a warm blanket of magma was slipping over her (s/t) skin that had been encased in a glacier for far too long.

She had kept such intense emotions secret for so many years. They were never spoken aloud, never put to paper. Perhaps it was because she was so close to the end of this long journey that she had put herself on. Perhaps she was just so vulnerable in that respect that she fell right into the arms of the creature who she swore she would kill.

Ezio's hand cradled the back of her neck while she calmed down, fingers caressing her silky (h/c) hair while she gripped onto his robes. He hadn't expected it to be quite this easy, hadn't expected their views to be quite so aligned. His lips pressed against the side of her head where her hairline began, pointed canines running over the skin there as his lips went to hover over her ear.

"We're a lot more alike than you think." He whispered, "I want to stop people from dying in other people's battles just as much as you do. I want freedom for people like you — how frustrating must it be to be human and told you're not? To be made to think you're the supernatural because you're gifted? To fear execution for merely existing?" She sniffled and nuzzled her head into his shoulder where his robes were now tear-stained.

"But if we both want to get what we want, you have to stop helping the Doge. He is a Templar: a man who will stop at nothing for absolute control, slavery of the human race and for freedom of will to be stripped from each and every individual. I am an Assassin: a man who protects freedom, no matter how chaotic it may seem. People like you and I will disappear if the Templars get their way. People like your sisters will die for a cause that they do not know of. People like my family will be killed for standing up for what's right. They will all be killed without a second thought."

(Y/n), beginning to quickly pile up her cold walls again, drew back from him, moving to sit on the floor a little distance from him instead.

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" She narrowed her eyes at him, eyeing up all the various weapons that were strapped all over his body.

"Because if I truly wanted you dead, I would have just killed you. You are a witch, no? Why not consult your cards and your spirits then decide?" She thought over his story once more.

"If you don't want innocents to die then why did you kill Elizabetta?" She interrogated, what she knew didn't seem to match with what he was telling her.

"She was a Templar also. Did they take down the red cross in her room before you arrived or not?"

"Red cross? Is that the insignia of the Templars?" She furrowed her brows, getting a much clearer view of what was at play.

"Yes. The one of the assassins is the symbol on my belt." (Y/n) found her eyes wandering down at this, seeing what Lucia had described as an arrow.

"So. . . What happens if I go back to the Doge and I interrogate him about all this?" She pressed.

"Most likely: he'd kill you. They don't like their secrets getting out." Ezio explained.

"And how. . . How do I know I'm safe with you?" She pressed, leaning forwards slightly.

"Because I see so much of myself in you. We're like-minded people, (Y/n). We want freedom, to feel safe in this world and to know that we won't be enslaved or killed for our differences. I know that justice is important to you and in the world the Templars want, justice will cease to exist." He paused, "You're tired of travelling and killing and not having a home, I can tell. You're tired of feeling like you shouldn't have been the one to survive and you have to pay for that privilege with blood. You can rest now. Come with me and you'll have everything you want and so much more." He was so close.

He couldn't tell if he was manipulating her anymore. When she walked in the room, he expected to have to jump into action and fight for his life, to reveal himself to his friend and his friend's apprentices who stood by outside. But when he sensed what she truly was — a witch —, he knew that there was so much more to her cold reputation.

She looked up at him with big glassy eyes, shimmering and dancing with tears that were just about to overspill.

"I just want my life back." She whispered, face crumpling in pain.

"I can't give you your old life back but I can make you a new one. One with a home and no more guilt. One where you can sleep knowing your people will never be wronged again."

She bit down on her lip as she thought over the tough decision. How did he know exactly what she wanted? Exactly what to say? Why had she opened up to a creature that she despised? She stopped thinking about it. All she wanted was an easy life and someone to care for her.

She looked up and nodded her head.

"What do I need to do?"

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