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northlight14 · 9 months

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Numb Little Bug

Summary: Hajime gets invited to a party filled with ultimates as Kazuichi's plus one. However, after being abandoned by Kazuichi at the party, he finds himself spiraling, leading to a very interesting (and annoying) conversation on the roof.

Tw: panic attack, alcohol and drug mentions, talk of suicide but it’s just a misunderstanding, depression, cursing

Ships: Hajime X Nagito focused, Kazuichi X Leon, Chiaki X Fuyuhiko, and Peko X Ibuki all mentioned (because rare pairs my beloved❤️)

Takes place in a non despair au

Also on ao3

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Hajime wandered through the crowded room, the stench of alcohol and sweat infecting his nose. He held his red cup awkwardly as he pushed past the mob of dancing bodies and the occasional couple making out. He recalled kazuichi’s words with bitterness. “Don’t worry soul bro, I won’t leave your side the whole night!.... well, unless one of us needs to pee or something. But other than that, I won’t leave you alone! You have my word!” only for that to have immediately flew out the window the moment his eyes spotted some red-haired dude from another class who he guessed was Leon. Had Hajime been close to anyone else at the party, it might not have been as bad. However, he couldn’t spot anyone from the reserve course, the party seemingly being for the ultimates, Hajime only getting invited as Kazuichi’s plus one. Chiaki and Fuyuhiko had opted for staying in Chiaki’s dorm to play video games as a date night, just the two of them, neither really being interested in alcohol. And while Hajime did sort of know Peko because of Fuyuhiko, she seemed busy talking with a black-haired girl dressed in a rock style (Ibuki was her name, right?), and Hajime didn’t feel comfortable inserting himself in their conversation, nor did he think Peko would appreciate it if her blush as Ibuki spoke to her was anything to go by.

Long story short, Hajime had been completely abandoned at the party. After a few more shoves of the large crowd, he pushed his way to one of the walls, taking the occasional sip of his drink and watching the scene unfold. He wasn’t particularly interested in whatever drink he’d grabbed but having it to hold meant he had something to do with his hands, making him look less awkward. The music playing was some generic pop song, blasting so loudly through the speakers Hajime could feel the floor beneath him vibrate to the beat. He glanced around the room, taking in the various faces. A lot of them were familiar from when Hajime would go to his friend’s classes to meet them, however he wouldn’t say he actually knew any of them, instead only their fame and reputations. As he began to recognize more and more of these teenage celebrities, he found his heart begin to race in his chest. It didn’t matter how long he’d been attending Hopes Peak, or the fact he had befriended some of the ultimate’s himself, Hajime still couldn’t help but be amazed by all they do and inspire. The raw talent of each of them took his breath away and it wasn’t uncommon for him to get star struck. And here he was, in a room filled with his idols.

Ok, maybe I should try talking to someone? He thought to himself. It was then he spotted a tall, buff man with short black hair. He was smiling widely as he spoke to a small crowd of others, clapping them on the back every now and then. There was something about him that made Hajime feel confident enough to approach him. So, Hajime gulped before begging to walk on wobbly legs towards the man. However, as he walked, he began to become far too aware of the voices around him. A group of people cheered as one of their friends guzzled down several drinks at once. More groups laughed too loudly. There were couples making out messily on various surfaces. There was someone passed out on the couch, and no one bothered to check on them. And it was fine. This is fine. It's so hot? Why is it so hot? This is supposed to be fun. Why aren’t you having fun? Everyone else is! What is wrong with you?! You’re making yourself look like an idiot in front of all these ultimates! They all already know you don’t belong here with them and yet here you are embarrassing yourself even more! Why can’t you just be happy for once in your miserable fucking life-?

“Hey watch it!” A small girl with blonde pigtails yelled. “You just spilled my drink! Are you blind you idiot?!” Hajime opened his mouth to speak but the words were jammed in his throat. “Well?!” She accused and Hajime was pretty sure there were people in her group speaking as well, likely defending her but he wasn’t sure. Great job, dumbass. It’s too hot in here. I can’t breathe. Why can’t I breathe? I’m dying. I need to leave.

Suddenly, Hajime bolted for the back door that led out onto the balcony, the screams of the small blonde girl echoing behind him. He fumbled with the door handle, hands shaking too much to really be helpful, but eventually managed to pull the handle down and push his way outside onto the balcony. The cold air hit him hard, smelling fresh rather than like greasy pizza and teenagers. He took several deep breaths in and out, vaguely recalling the breathing techniques he’d seen Chiaki use for Fuyuhiko when he had a panic attack. Gradually, he felt his body begin to relax and fully absorb his surroundings. There was a slight wetness on his shirt, presumably from knocking into that girl’s drink. That girl… I should probably go back in and apologize…

As he turned to leave, he spotted someone on the roof. Due to the darkness and the distance, he could only make out the silhouette of a boy standing, arms outstretched, his fluffy hair blowing in the wind. Panic gripped onto Hajime at the sight. That boy, is he going to?

“Hey! What are you doing?!” Hajime yelled before he could stop himself. The boy turned and looked down at him. Through the darkness Hajime could only just make out his confused expression. It was then he recognized who it was he was now talking to.

The ultimate lucky student: Nagito Komaeda.

Hajime internally groaned but decided that given the situation, it wouldn’t be the best idea to leave Nagito alone. Using the railing of the balcony, Hajime lifted himself up onto the roof to join him.

“What are you doing?” he asked again, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Oh, it’s just you, Hajime.” Nagito said in a slight mocking tone, sitting down on the roof. “Just getting some air. Figured they wouldn’t miss trash like me at the party. I assume you’re in the same boat.” Hajime rolled his eyes.

“That doesn’t explain why you’re on the roof!” he snapped.

“I felt like it.” he shrugged. “The air is cooler up here and I can smoke without it bothering anyone if I want to.” he said, lifting up his joint and waving it a bit to show it off. “Why’d you join me if you think being up here is such a bad idea?” he said, smirking.

“Because I was worried, you asshole! I thought you were gonna…I don’t know…”

“Kill myself?” Hajime stayed quiet. Nagito laughed. “Ha, I’m flattered that you worry so much about me. But don’t worry, I’d never cause such an inconvenience for the ultimate’s and ruin their night.” Hajime stayed quiet, a little shaken by the fact Nagito never dismissed doing such a thing, only the place and way of doing it. “Shame though,” Nagito said, mournfully. “That if I had been doing something like that, it would’ve been you that came to stop me. Just my luck I guess.”

“Ok you know what?” Hajime said, irritated, before going to step down from the roof to head back inside.

Then suddenly, Nagito spoke again. “So why did you come out here?” Hajime didn’t know why he stopped in his tracks. It’s not like it was some groundbreaking question or anything. It’s not like he had to entertain Nagito’s insults. And it wasn’t like he didn’t have an array of better people to converse with back inside. And yet, despite all that, the question made him stop in his tracks, and turn back around to face Nagito, the only rational explanation he could come up with being that he was alone at a party, feeling anxious and like an outsider, and he’d finally found someone who he could speak to with relative ease, even if the conversation made him annoyed.

“Getting some air, same as you.” He answered simply. Nagito kept his gaze off into the distance of the night and nodded once before turning to face him.

“I’ll admit, I’m surprised you’re here. I’d assumed only ultimates were attending.”

Hajime joined Nagito sitting on the roof, still keeping some distance between them. “Yeah, I think that was the original plan, but Kazuichi invited me.” Hajime shrugged, looking off into the night.

“Where is Kazuichi, then?”

“Chatting up some dude, I think.” Hajime shrugged. Nagito laughed a bit at that.

“Aren’t you friends with Fuyuhiko and Chiaki? Why aren’t you with them?” Nagito asked.

“They didn’t wanna come. And I guess I know a few other ultimates, but I didn’t want to bother them, I guess.”

“And what? You couldn’t introduce yourself to other ultimates because you were too star struck?” Nagito mocked.

“I’m speaking to you, aren’t I?!”

Nagito breathed out a short laugh. “My talent can hardly be called a talent. It’s not surprising you’re not as intimidated by me as you are the others.” Hajime could think of a million ways that statement was wrong but decided not to voice them right at that moment.

“What about you? Aren’t you going to socialize with the other ultimates? You’re in the same class as some of them, right? Why aren’t you talking to any of them?”

Nagito was quiet for a moment, considering his answer. “Because I’m as pathetic as you, I guess.” He said, looking downward and smiling sadly to himself.

“Excuse me?”

“My talent is hardly anything special. It causes so much greatness and misfortune, nothing I’d want to subject my fellow classmates to. And yet, I can’t help but admire each and every one of them. Their talents truly are the embodiment of hope. It’s truly beautiful.” Nagito hugged himself as he spoke, getting lost in his own words. It scared Hajime, slightly. And yet he had no intention of leaving.

Suddenly, Nagito’s expression became bitter. “As much as it pains me, we’re a lot alike.”

“Hold on!” Hajime spluttered. “I am nothing like you! I don’t blow up buildings or scare people or do any of the creepy shit you do!” He yelled. Despite his outburst, Nagito remained perfectly calm.

“You understand that you’re inferior to those around you. You yearn to be close to those that inspire you, all while fearing being rejected or hurting them. You aspire desperately to create even a fraction of the hope they create.” Nagito looked him up and down, analyzing him. Hajime averted his gaze and shifted slightly from the discomfort of having Nagito look at him in such a way. “You feel so much self-hatred and loneliness and yet can’t help but hold onto the hope for something more, which is why you came to this party in the first place. It’s really quite beautiful.” Nagito sighed, looking up into the night.

Hajime felt his face burn. Of all the things he’d been expecting tonight, getting psychoanalyzed and called beautiful by Nagito Komaeda of all people hadn’t been one of them.

They were both silent for a while, Hajime fully taking in Nagito’s words. He’d been right, annoyingly. But there was one detail that was bothering him.

“If we’re a lot alike, does that mean you’re lonely too?” He asked. Nagito stayed still, not responding. A few more silent moments passed until Nagito spoke again.

“You should go back inside. Kazuichi will be missing you.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Hajime questioned, not in a mocking tone. That took Nagito off guard a bit.

“Why wouldn’t you want to?” he asked, confusion slipping into his voice.

“The air is cooler out here.” Hajime shrugged and smiled slightly. Nagito smirked in turn at the reference to his earlier comment.

“Does that mean I have to endure such a talentless nuisance for even longer?” Nagito mocked.

“What can I say? Must just be your luck.”

—

Thanks for reading!! This is my first time writing these characters so I hope I wrote them alright.

I haven’t watched the anime so if there’s any inconsistencies with it then oh well.

As always, I take constructive criticism

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