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auld-a · 2 years

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heya! I was wondering how the dorm leaders would react to a eah!cerise hood!yuu? and if you write for ruggie or jack, then can you add them too? NO PRESSURE

Dorm Leaders + Ruggie & Jack x Male!EAH!Cerise Hood!Yuu

When I was writing one of my current posts I actually had this exact thought

(Also I’m so sorry on the wait :,))

🌹Riddle Rosehearts🌹

He admires your loyalty to those you love but at first he thinks you’re just like everyone in Savanclaw

But even if you may be a rebel you know how to get along with royals

Once he understands that you’re not just some energetic rule breaker like many people there and actually sees what lies beneath he enjoys you’re company

He doesn’t completely relate to you’re feelings of having to hide yourself but he sympathizes nonetheless

He would very much encourage you to bd more proud of your appearance and let go of the prejudice notions instilled in you back at EAH

I do not know why at all but I just have a feeling that Cerise would memorize and follow all of the 800+ rules

I seriously cannot decipher why you just would

But you don’t make others follow them, you find them entertaining but definitely nonsense

You would insist of serving him tea whenever you can because your love language is most definitely service

You suck at croquet but that’s an excuse for Riddle to do the typical Teaching You How To Play Golf With a Small Heaping of Romantic TensionTM

You both are oblivious to what this looks like but Cater is snapping pictures left and right

He likes to dress you in formal Heartslaybul attire because you just match so well with it

A lot of dates are picnics in the rose maze because he knows how much picnics mean to you in you’re family experience

With the hedgehogs ofc

Also likes playing catch with you, he likes how happy it makes you

Carry him bridal style while running full speed is 👌

He’s beet red tho

🦁Leona Kingscholar🦁

The vibe here is old married couple

I don’t know why but it is

I think you guys would get to know each other through spelldrive practice

You show up since it’s probably to track and field you can get and you’re a bit competitive

Leona’s jaw is nearly on the ground when he sees a (presumed) human with essentially no special traits run fucking CIRCLES around the entire class

At one point to really test you they probably put you against the entire team

You won

And boy that is HOT

Forget herbivore you’ve been upgraded to LIONESS

Yes ik you’re a guy but gendered terms are outdated take it up with Vil see what happens

He attempts to court you and you would definitely pick it up quickly it’s more the disbelief that he would want to

Once you accept it’s like those dog/cat relationships you see on google images

Exhibit A

He’s a lazy lion with a hyperactive wolf bf

Perfection

If you sleep he flops on top of you

If he sleeps you physically drag him out of bed to play a game or smthg

Lots of play fighting but not very frequently

He finds entertainment in throwing a frisbee a watching you catch it

🐺Jack Howl🐺

Did you know that when wolves mate they mate for life?

That's the vibe here

There may be plenty of other students with a wolf heritage at school but there's just something different about you

He's sort of intrigued by your mysterious aura and wants to get to know you better but he's kind of embarrassed to

If he ever sees you running he would definitely want to ask you to race

You're the only person in school who could beat him and that's when he knows he would want to pursue something more with you

Just about everyone in school knows of your wolf heritage even though you try to hide it, most people didn't even know that you were hiding it

It’s kind of a breath of fresh air when you realize you don’t have to hide yourself since people just. Don’t care

Unlike EAH, wolf hybrids are very common in Twisted Wonderland meaning you’re just what you wanted to be, normal

And even though you would love whoever you end up with there’s something special about being with specifically a wolf hybrid partner because they understand the small and the big things that come with being part wolf

For instance, play fighting

Lets just say play fighting is a TIME for anyone involved

You throw Jack across the room and he rushes back with the same fervor

Everyone evacuates the area since they think it’s an intense lover’s quarrel but you both are just discussing what you want for lunch

Idk if wolves hunt for each other but let’s say you guys do

By that I mean you both try to be at the front of the cafeteria line to get whatever the other wants

It’s cute puppy love :)

🍩Ruggie Bucchi🍩

You and Jack are twins he swears

If you and him are any ounce of close you’d be adamant on helping him with his errands

No matter how much he tries to deny it he has a soft spot for trusting underclassman

They’re just too nice for a place like Savanclaw even if they are physically strong

He would probably fall for you if you get him a donut with some line like “I saw this and though of you/thought you might want it”

He’s a simple man, feed him, don’t be a dick, and you’re in

There’s less of those types of people here than one would think

Fun fact hyenas are scientifically faster than wolves

Meaning he could definitely match up with you in a race

But your reflexes and physical strength has him all 😳

Strong but caring people are definitely his type

Especially when you say “How about you take a nap while I take care of the rest of your jobs?”

He will implode and ask you to marry him

You just kiss him and run off to finish his duties

He can and will think about that moment the rest of his life

Since I can’t imagine either of you are very rich there’s a lot of DIY dates that you guys put together

DIY as in low budget/home activities

But any time spent with you is time well spent for him

Since he probably does Leona’s homework and is an upperclassman himself he would give you all the answers to everything and more dw

🐙Azul Ashengrotto🐙

Definitely DEFINITELY tried to bank on your physical prowess

I think at first you guys wouldn’t like each other because Azul sees you as naive while you see him as someone who takes advantage of others

It’s not until after his overblot and explanation of his background that you two can really see eye to eye

He’s one of the few people that relates with pretty much all of your own insecurities

Bullied for looks/heritage? Check

Came to hate yourself? Check

Forced to hide who you really are? Check

NRC has been the saving grace for both of you

After his overblot you visit the lounge often which gives him more courage to actually talk to you

You both are equally embarrassed trying to flirt/initiate anything

It’s probably the tweels that officially got you together

You both are each other’s #1 support

He teaches you how to swim instead of just doggy paddling and you give him some tips on how to up his grades in PE

After some time you guys just kind of know each other like the backs of your hands so you both know what triggers each other’s insecurities + the best way to deal with it

You enjoy helping him at the Monstro Lounge and he just likes you being there

I’m sure there’s plenty of people attempting to hit on you and if that happens they’re either banned or are now required to work for free

Azul may not do many contracts now but one of the few he always has people sign when they walk in specifies that customers do not hit on workers unless in a romantic relationship

He acts like he did it for everyone but he truly did it just for you

I think he would open up an arm wrestling game with you against any challenger

If you win (which you always do because you’re strong asf) you get paid

Business man octopus and his trustworthy puppy bf❤️

🥳Kalim Al-Asim🥳

You’re someone who likes to help others where you can which includes party planning

That’s something Kalim loves about you, you’re always eager to help

You also love how kind and giving he is

He may be genuinely naive but you think he deserves to see the best in others

That doesn’t mean you’re not protective of him against anyone who may wanna take advantage

This includes Jamil

Tbh I may be a little biased because I think there are many ways that Jamil deserved to have the anger he did and you feel the same way, but that doesn’t mean you liked it

You were one of the first to pick up on his hatred towards Kalim and actively tried to protect him from it

After the whole overblot incident (which you definitely saw coming) you sympathize with Jamil a little and try to have Kalim understand his position

You still give Jamil the stink eye if he gives you reason to be war of him

But back to fluffier hc

He shows up to any spelldrive practice of yours he can and be the loudest when cheering you on with no embarrassment

At spell drive tournaments you’re probably on his team in which case he’s constantly flirting with you during the match

Y’all would’ve lost if it wasn’t for your physical prowess

If you’re not on his team he still flirts but he has a new vigor when matched against you

There’s something homoerotic about being put against your bf in a game

Magic carpet ride picnics😳

🦚Vil Schoenheit🦚

Anyone from EAH automatically has a sense for fashion

Even though you do when it comes to important events that doesn’t entirely apply to everday life

It’s less about having lower fashion sense and more about the fact that you two just don’t share the same views on self-care and beauty

In fact he really likes your fashion, it fits you very well

But you’re rugged with style while Vil’s entire vibe is just overall regal

Meaning lots of skin care tips since you have a habit of playing in the woods

This is giving very much beauty and the beast and I’m kind of living for it

You’re like his loyal guard dog and he adores you and spoils you very much

Rook finds you incredibly interesting and studies you as though he has intention to hunt you

You hide behind Vil anytime he’s around like this

Lots of ear scratches and exercise together

The rivalry between Vil and Neige is one you both don’t understand but feel all too familiar with

Any time he feels his insecurities arise against Neige you probably give him a pep talk about Royals and Rebels and how he can choose his own destiny

It cheers him up :)

He thinks it’s just a bunch of metaphors but when he hears this is genuinely about your own world he’s lowkey interested

👾Idia Shroud👾

You guys are both loners so you probably met while you were each wandering the halls alone

His hair is what gets your attention

You’re used to fire magic in school but this feels like another level

With you being a loner he feels like you both have an unspoken bond, which only gets stronger when he work up the courage to ask you to play a game with him

Anything that has to do with hand eye coordination you’d be very skilled at but besides that you’re probably gonna need some help

I don’t see you as being the big gamer type at least not back at EAH

Minecraft picnics❤️

Being one who’s not very internet savvy he shows you cool pieces of tech he’s made and the way your eyes shine in interest make him feel on top of the world

Since he has long hair I have no doubt he’s had to learn how to braid his hair at some point

So he would idly braid your hair as affection and maybe decorate with hair clips n stuff

Shows up to all your spell-drive practices

In return you enthusiastically dance with him to the bands he likes

I think you would give him piggyback rides that would be so funny

🐉Malleus Draconia🐉

Malleus🤝Cerise

Being Loners

For him his fae heritage is no secret but it’s still feared, but the reason your heritage is hidden in the first place is BECAUSE people would fear it

Of course things are different for you at NRC but your previous emotional scars and fear of your background being revealed doesn’t necessarily go away

Like Idia this makes you feel like you both have some sort of unspoken bond

It never really goes anywhere until he starts randomly showing up at Ramshackle

Being the considerate person you are you invite him in because it’s probably cold as heck out there

There’s a lot of talking that goes on that night. 3AM does that to people

They then become a sort of ritualistic thing for you two

This leads to a lot more bonding between you two during school hours

You guys partner up for projects, help each other with studying, you invite him to a lot of your more social stuff/clubs, it’s nice

When you’re not at spell drive you’re with him at his gargoyle research club

Briar Valley picnics

“I know someone named Briar, funny”

“Wow what a coincidence :D”

Piggyback rides are also common here

You like to randomly bite his ears, he’s confused but in return he noms your wolf ears

It’s a battle now

Idk what else to put so here are some dog/lizard pics

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agirlwiththoughtsandnegativity · 12 days

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Dear Reader (by Taylor Swift) Analysis. I suddenly got obsessed with this song so here’s an analysis of the whole thing. please read it took me like 30 minutes 🙏 warning: it’s a bit long

This whole song is extremely interesting. It is one of Taylor’s songs that addresses not only her fame, but also how she sees herself, and her flaws. It’s almost like anti hero, but somehow more self critical. At the conclusion of the song, we see Taylor is really trying to tell us that we shouldn’t be looking up to her, a flawed and broken person, but she is too famous and too perfect to the public. She “shines too bright” for us to look away now, and it is impossible to give up the fame at this point.

Dear reader

If it feels like a trap, you're already in one

The song opens with the phrase “dear reader”, a pattern which continues throughout the rest of the song. We can only assume that this reader she is addressing is us, the fans. “If it feels like a trap, you’re already in one” it is unclear if Taylor is just starting off with giving us life advice here, or if this is addressing something relating to her.

This pattern follows for the rest of the verse, lines starting with “dear reader” and the ending with a piece of life advice:

Dear reader

Get out your map, pick somewhere and just run

Dear reader

Burn all the files, desert all your past lives

And if you don't recognize yourself

That means you did it right

Does this advice have to do with Taylor? We can perhaps relate the map line to Taylor disappearing after the feud in 2017, or perhaps running from the paparazzi and press. The second advice, about burning files and deserting past lives, could possibly be about Taylor reinventing herself during each era. “And if you don’t recognize yourself, that means you did it right” could relate to her most drastic changes, like going pop and her bad girl rebellious reinventing for the Reputation era. It could possibly be Taylor stating that these “transformations” or “eras” do make her feel different not only in her work, but in her personal life too. It’s possible Taylor is also stating that she has become so famous/popular that not only is the brand of Taylor Swift and her artwork getting reinvented, she herself must be too.

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

(You should find another)

Directly after giving us lots of advice, Taylor follows it up by saying “never take advice from someone who’s falling apart”. Is this her telling us to forget all the advice she has just shared, to not listen to not trust it? Or should we not even listen to this advice either? I believe this is Taylor sharing that she feels like she cannot give us advice or be a role model because she is not doing well. She is saying not to base ourselves off of her, not to listen to things she says because she is falling apart, yet we all believe her to be perfectly fine. It is contradicting to put this right after her advice, but I believe that is the point. At the end, Taylor says “you should find another” this is the beginning of a later line “you should find another guiding light, but I shine so bright”. Not only is it the beginning of that line, I think it can also be read as it’s own line. The fans should find another idol, role model, favourite, etc. because she is falling apart.

Dear reader

Bend when you can, snap when you have to

Dear reader

You don't have to answer, just 'cause they asked you

Again, after telling us not to listen to her advice, she gives us advice again. It is hard to decipher this, but I think the deeper meaning could be she so desperately wants to be giving us this good advice, but feels hypocritical because she is falling apart. “Bend when you can, snap when you have to” she is telling us to compromise, to only give in when we really, really need to. “You don’t have to answer just cause they asked you.” Don’t give everyone everything they want or ask for. This follows the same train of thought as bending when you can and snapping when you have to.

(You should find another)

Taylor throws this line in there again. Could it be said that it’s almost like her interrupting herself, reminding us (and her) not to listen to this advice? It could also be noted that this advice does not seem to be bad advice, depending on your opinion/situation you apply it to I suppose, but perhaps Taylor believes she is not qualified to tell it.

Dear reader

The greatest of luxuries is your secrets

Dear reader

When you aim at the devil make sure you don't miss

“The greatest of luxuries is your secrets” Taylor would know this better than anyone. When you have her kind of fame, can you really have secrets? In her own words, celebrities get their secrets splashed in the news front page.

“When you aim at the devil, make sure you don’t miss.” Perhaps Taylor is saying that you’re sure someone is the devil before you shoot, that they are enemy instead of friend. Or maybe she’s saying to make sure you are strong enough to make that shot before you attempt it. Is she inferring to a personal experience of hers? I couldn’t be sure, especially depending on which interpretation of it we’re talking about.

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

Again, after her advice she tells us to not trust this advice, to not take it from her.

So I wander through these nights

I prefer hiding in plain sight

Now we launch into the bridge, which I think is one of the most telling and personal parts of the song. “I prefer hiding in plain sight” Taylor is perfect to us, we don’t say she is falling apart, yet here she is telling it to us directly, and yet so many would still take her advice. Even after releasing songs like “My tears ricchoet” or “this is me trying” or “mirrorball” many still see her as perfect and unflawed. She is hiding this in plain sight.

My fourth drink in my hand

These desperate prayers of a cursed man

“My fourth drink in my hand” is very very very very interesting because many fans have been worried about Taylor’s alcohol consumption for awhile. She mentions drinking a lot more on recent albums, lots more pictures of her holding wine being released, and if I’m not mistaken her saying at the eras tour that she was “borderline alcoholic” during the pandemic. This line seems to be Taylor admitting to relying on drink to escape her mind, to forget that she is falling apart. The second line could be a bit confusing. Who is this “cursed man” that is praying, and what are they praying for? Is this a character in Taylor’s life, or could this “cursed man” just be Taylor herself?

Spilling out to you for free

But darling, darling, please

You wouldn't take my word for it

If you knew who was talking

“Spilling out to you for free” Taylor shares her songs and lyrics with us for free, all her deepest feelings public and on the radio. “But darling, darling, please. You wouldn’t take my word for it if you knew who was talking” Taylor almost seems to be begging now, for us to see she is not perfect and not the person we should be listening to this advice from. “If you knew who was talking” If we knew who she really was, we wouldn’t look up to her or trust her words.

If you knew where I was walking

To a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there

“If you knew where I was walking” again, if we really knew Taylor past how she presents herself, we would not feel the same way about her. “To a house, not a home, all alone cause nobody’s there.” Is this a literal house, Taylor feeling lonely in her big mansion, or is it metaphorical? Could this perhaps relate to what is discussed in “Tolerate It”, saying the man she is in a relationship isn’t putting effort into it, isn’t paying attention to her, and so she feels alone? Or could it perhaps refer to her mind, where she feels lonely and like no one gets her? Or is she too famous now to have any real friends?

Where I pace in my pen and

My friends found friends who care

No one sees when you lose

When you're playing solitaire

“Where I pace in my pen” Some people pace to think, but Taylor writes songs to think. That is her method of seeing her thoughts more clearly. “My friends found friends who care” Is Taylor saying here that she is a bad friend? Or does she have bad friends? Perhaps we could also read from this that Taylor gets so caught up in her work it can seem to others in her life that she doesn’t care about them. We already know she is constantly working and writing songs. “No one sees when you lose when you’re playing solitaire” we can guess at the fact that fame and constant attention from the press could make Taylor feel isolated. She feels as if she is “playing solitaire” and so no one sees her losses, including us, blinded by the image she wants us to see.

You should find another guiding light

Guiding light

But I shine so bright

You should find another guiding light

Guiding light

But I shine so bright x2

You should find another

She ends the song in her telling us this full line “you should find another guiding light but I shine so bright” which she repeats a few times. She is saying you should find someone else to look up to, another idol, but at the same time she knows how famous she is, how impossible it is to look away from her. How she is plastered across every tabloid and newspaper and piece of media, on billboards and on the radio. And she knows how strong her “perfect” image is. How easy it is for her fans to see her as that. She is saying she shouldn’t be the guiding light, she is falling apart and is not qualified for it, but oh how she seems like she is.

The song ends on the line that has been going in and out the whole song. “You should find another”. This is the message she has really been trying to share all of the song. The message is that we should find another. We shouldn’t be Taylor’s fans, shouldn’t idolize her, shouldn’t follow her advice or look up to her, because she is falling apart and a flawed person who pretends to be perfect. At the end of the song, it almost seems like she is begging us (the reader) to understand this, and the thing is, we probably still don’t.

Dear reader, thanks for reading this, especially if you read it all the way through lol. I hope it made sense and was entertaining, not just me rambling, I really did try my best.

#I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT XX #HOPEFULLY I SOUND SMART AND NOT STUPID #writing #taylor swift #the eras tour #swifties #midnights #dear reader #my writing #taylor swift eras tour #lyric analysis #songs #ttpd #ts ttpd #ts11

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dreamcatcher-roulette · 1 month

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Anonymous asked:

Really awesome post! 🙇‍♀️ Some of what you shared is beyond my understanding 😅 but that also makes it educational (thank you for the links to sources, that HEVC haunted link!) Also the bit about upscaling decisions 🥲 I don't think we can make assumptions about how long things last on the "internet" (harder to find 🥲, removed/made private, etc.), so I definitely appreciate your effort to archive/back up stuff 🫰🙇‍♀️

This is a fake ask because I wanted to remove the links at the bottom (I appreciate them, just nervous about re-sharing) but did want to respond to the rest of it. Specifically, if you are even moderately interested in my nerd tangents, I cannot pass up the opportunity to gush about how cool RAID is as a concept.

You’re right that everything on the internet either lasts forever or just not long enough for you to save it, depending on what is most inconvenient at the time. It is both an access and a preservation problem. The YouTubes of the world aren’t likely to lose data accidentally (just deliberately stop you from seeing it) but as soon as you start trying to make personal backups you have to factor hardware failure into the equation. Disks fail. Backblaze publish some cool statistics on exactly how often. Keeping a backup of anything critical on a single hard drive is playing with fire, it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when if you have plans to keep it for more than a decade (although they do show warning signs, so if you're regularly monitoring S.M.A.R.T test results its less likely to happen completely out of the blue).

My backups are currently stored in a RAID 5 configuration (specifically, a ZFS RAIDZ1 pool). That means I can yank any of the four disks out at random and everything will continue operating completely normally. In the event of a drive failure, inserting a new empty drive of equal or greater capacity will allow the system to rebuild the content the old one was holding onto the new one, resulting, upon completion, of a configuration that once again allows any disk at random to be pulled without data loss. The main vulnerability here is that two failures in quick succession are completely unrecoverable (the contents of 2/4 drives are utter gibberish and cannot be deciphered without at least one more from the original pool). My drives are purchased from different batches but from the same manufacturer, so there is still potential for common cause failures (one of the risk factors also just being that they are of similar ages). When I originally built this system I was happy with the level of risk involved with a rebuild event, but recently I've been thinking recently of moving it over to a RAIDZ2 (two disks of redundancy) instead. It isn't possible to "upgrade" an existing pool like that you have to do a complete rebuild, but my friend has an external backup server on my local network (well, its not, it's currently in a separate VLAN, but that can be changed) I can use to temporarily shift my stuff over to before moving it back. The new pool would be 6 wide with 2 disks of redundancy as there's no point in RAIDZ2 with 4 disks (that's just a mirrored pool) so I would also gain a disk's worth of capacity in the progress, but lose two disks worth of money from my bank account, which is why I haven't done it yet.

Oh also, as a final note, computers are not as infallible as they are made out to be. While the chance is very low, it is never zero that a cosmic ray causes a bit flip somewhere critical and unrecoverable to the program which needed it. Ever had a completely random crash that you've never been able to reproduce? Well, it probably wasn't a cosmic ray. But it could have been! This is the kind of stuff I think about for a living ;)

#not roulette #asks #anon

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blessedarethebinarybreakers · 2 years

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Hi Avery, I hope you’re having a blessed day.

I was listening to a pastor (who I should add is homophobic & transphobic) and he said that Christians should shun the “LGBT Jesus” because He is a false Jesus. He mentioned this because of Galatians 1:6-8, which makes me wonder; how are we supposed to know what exactly is the ‘strange’ or ‘wrong’ preaching of the gospel? It boggles my mind constantly, trying to decipher the truth of the Gospel from the lies of our culture, which seem to mix more often than not. With that in mind, the pastor also mentions that the Church is supposed to help the oppressed, and those who are rejected by society. Are LGBT+ people not being hurt by the world anymore, or am I just hallucinating?

cw transphobia, homophobia, church hurt

Ach, anon, that pastor's message boils my blood. It’s clear that he has a very skewed idea of what it means to be LGBTQA+; I don’t even want to imagine where he gets his information (Fox news, or worse?). That guy can pry queer Jesus from my cold dead hands — no wait, not even then!

This got long so I’m gonna give it a table of contents lmao:

LGBTQA+ persons aren’t the ones “conforming to the world”

How do we know we’ve got the gospel right?

More Resources

1. LGBTQA+ persons aren’t the ones “conforming to the world”

You are so right that LGBTQA+ people are subjected to great harm nowadays as ever, so that it's quite the contradiction to denounce them while recognizing the need to support the oppressed!

It baffles the mind that so many Christians have decided that they are the oppressed group, that the LGBTQA+ community and other groups are the ones privileged in this world...those of us who are Christian need to renounce Christian Supremacy (& Christofascism), and acknowledge the ways that the LGBTQA+ community is extremely vulnerable at all times but especially in the current political climate.

One of the first sermons I ever preached actually delves into this issue: it centers around Roman 12′s exhortation to “not be conformed to this world, but transformed” in which I explore how LGBTQA+ persons living loud and proud does indeed resist conformity to the world. If I could give that pastor a piece of my mind, I’d probably end up saying a lot of the stuff I said in that sermon:

When I first recognized I probably wasn’t straight, or a girl, I did a lot of research. Quite a few Christian websites, as well as my priest, used that line of Romans 12 to try to persuade me to rethink embracing my queerness.

“Do not be conformed to this world,” they reminded me. “This world,” according to them, was one that was all too lax in terms of sexuality and gender. “This world” celebrated being LGBT to the point that it was practically a trend, so that everyone these days thought they were gay or bi or ace or trans. Wow, I would love to find “this world” these guys claimed to be living in.

Because the world I experience isn’t always so friendly to people like me. The world I know is full of parents like mine, wanting to be supportive but not quite sure how, because they grew up learning that the very mention of two girls kissing is practically pornography. The world I know is full of parents like my girlfriend’s, who hoped to “cure” her “same sex attraction” and are told by friends and relatives that they cannot support a bisexual daughter. The world I know is full of isolation and harassment and homelessness and death for people who refuse to fit neatly into the straight, cisgender norm. The world I know has not been a gay-friendly oasis by any means. Up until the past few decades, in many cultures—particularly those colonized by white people—the best one could hope for was to live by a sort of “don’t ask don’t tell” tradition. Only recently has some acceptance spread for LGBT people, in some countries—and yet there are still not enough laws protecting us, there is still so much violence against us, still so many people telling us we have no right to exist. When I see awareness and acceptance of diverse genders and sexualities, when I see people applying God’s mandate to protect the oppressed to standing up for LGBT people, I see something new. Meanwhile, when people cling to the gender binary and heteronormative and patriarchal standards that have stood firm in Western culture for millennia—it’s there I see conformity to the world. After all, in Galatians 3:28 Paul envisions a Body of Christ in which there is no longer “male and female” – no longer binaries that categorize us against our will and exist for the purpose of setting one group above the other. ...

Shit’s scary right now. We’re at risk of losing a lot of the rights we’ve won through much hard work over many decades in quite a few nations.

Jesus’ good news was for the poor who were oppressed by imperialist Rome; I believe it is good news for those of us being oppressed by the white supremacist, cisheteropatriarchal governments of our own time.

2. How do we know we’ve got the gospel right?

Determining the right preaching of the gospel is a good question for all Christians to ponder. Luckily, Jesus’s own example can help us. In his own spreading of the good news, Jesus:

Emphasized whom it was good news for — the impoverished, the imprisoned, the oppressed. This includes, as you noted, LGBTQA+ persons in the Western world + all cultures impacted by colonialism. Jesus wasn’t afraid to shake people up, to make those who felt secure in the status quo feel a little less secure. But if someone had already been made to feel low, he didn’t tend to push them further down. He “disturbed the comfortable and comforted the disturbed.” If someone is trying to spread the Good News and it brings not liberation but further harm to vulnerable groups, not an uplifting of the denigrated but further power for the already-powerful, that’s not Jesus’s Good News! That includes shaming people for innate elements of who they are, and proclaiming their ways of living and loving to be sin or crime... .

...which leads to another question — how do we know whether someone’s way of living or loving is actually sin? Jesus says we know things by their fruit. LGBTQA+ persons who are free to live and love whoever they do spread flourishing among their communities! Meanwhile, queerphobia leads to deadly fruit. Okay, what else does Jesus’ example show us? .

Jesus never coerced anyone to believe in him. He simply preached his news, acted upon it, and moved on. The long terrible history of coerced conversions goes against this way of spreading the gospel. Christianity has got to reckon with the ways its missionizing has brought so much harm. If you’re interested in more on moving beyond harmful, Christian supremacist forms of evangelism, I’ve got a tag that has some stuff, including the idea that Jesus’s goal wasn’t to convert everybody to a religion, but to liberate all living things. The way Christians in the United States in the present time are attempting to codify their particular beliefs into law — to compel others to live the way they believe is right, including no queer stuff, no abortion but yes death penalty, and don’t forget the guns — is so contrary to the way Jesus lived, every time I think about it a wild scream roars through my spirit. Ugh.

This emphasis on looking to Jesus’ example for our own ways of living out the gospel is often referred to as “the rule of love.”

(Of course, Jesus was not the only or first figure in scripture to highlight love — he cites Leviticus and Deuteronomy when he tells us that love of God & love of neighbor are the two greatest commandments. So we can and should absolutely explore other places in scripture for more ideas on what love looks like, but for Christians, keeping Jesus at the center makes sense — he is the one we worship, after all!)

3. More Resources

You’ll find more on the “rule of love,” and more about reading scripture responsibly, in the “Acknowledging our biases when reading the Bible” section of my webpage here.

The section below that one on the page, “you’re just reading into it,” is also relevant to your questions.

Some more resources to this already ridiculously long response! Most of these aren’t directly answering your questions, but are related to it.

My response to someone else worrying they might be fashioning God out of their own beliefs

My tag with responses to the idea that we’re “cherry-picking” the Bible passages we like

I appreciate @nerdygaymormon’s response to someone warning them that posting complaints with one’s church could “challenge” other people’s beliefs: “It’s as if you’re saying that for your faith to function, it requires my suffering.”

Stuff about how a lot of queerphobia is based in disgust, and how such a reaction to anything doesn’t automatically mean the thing is bad lol

Here’s a post on living in that hard middle ground of being both Christian and LGBT, two communities that are so often pitted against each other.

Austen Hartke’s video exploring when we should pursue the rougher path — when liberation comes with stigma from society

Everything I thought I knew about God has changed now that I have accepted God affirms LGBT people – what do I do? Answer

Finally, my whole #rebuttals tag is full of a variety of stuff, some related to your question and some not.

Finally, if you are interested in finding and listening to preachers who share God’s good news for all, including LGBTQA+ persons...

Here’s a post where I explain how to find an affirming church near you

And a masterpost of churches that stream online (some may be out of date)

One of the main churches I recommend is my friend’s Queer Church that’s entirely online, entirely by and for queer people! There’s one worship service per month, and a Bible discussion every Tuesday. This link leads to their facebook page.

The Transmission Ministry collective is also a fabulous organization with lots of online conversation opportunities.

Wishing you well! Let me know if any of this was unclear or if I missed part of your question, or if you have any further questions.

#church hurt /#transphobia /#homophobia /#sorry if this isn't fully coherent i have covid :/#long post #essays #christian homophobia #romans 12

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holified · 1 year

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1. When are you usually online? My working schedule has been so awfully overwhelming that the only free time I have is on the weekends, but sometimes I’m so exhausted I cannot even write anything, although I’m often lurking here on Saturday and Sundays nights.

2. What verses are you involved in outside of this page? I have a blog for Sakura Haruno, so every once in a while you can catch me there, but it usually depends on whether my friends there are online or not. As for my verses here, I most use my “alive” verse, and I have recently been able to use my Yu Yu Hakusho verse thanks to some amazing new friends! I also have a special verse in which Kikyo and Kagome are sisters with my beloved Rarity, and a Sesskik verse that I absolutely love.

3. What is your biggest RP pet peeve? I’m a pretty laid back person, so it’s hard to anger me (or so I believe). But I suppose I could say my biggest pet peeves are when people try to pressure me into writing/doing something or when people start drama over small things. I have seen so many people arguing over stuff that’s just... so stupid! Dunno, I’m just too tired to deal with people right now.

4. Are you drawn to specific types of muses? Hmmm, maybe I am? I think it has changed over time, but I LOVE an angsty/misunderstood character. Powerful, complex women that are often mistreated by their writers bring out my fire to write. I need to like and find the character interesting to write it. Oh! And I don’t write male characters, dunno, I just don’t feel comfortable, I’ve had blogs for male characters before but they were always short-lived.

5. Are there recurring themes in your writing that people might not notice? I don’t know, maybe? I LOVE shipping threads, like, omg I’m a hopeless romantic and all the romantic love I don’t have in real life I seek in my writing. But I also love an adventure and I LOVE angst so... I’m not sure which theme could be considered “common” in my writing.

6. What are your favorite RP trends? Hmmm... I think the return of big icons, some time ago it was SUPER cool to have tini tiny icons that were overly saturated and were just a blur of colors that was impossible to decipher. I never understood this trend tbh, to me icons provide a visual reference to your character’s expression, the scene or to focus on a particular aspect of your character’s face/body language, so those impossible-to-understand icons were absurd! Anyway, but enough complaining about old trends! I think the new aesthetic trends are pretty great!

7. What is your process for starting a new story with someone? Good question, I usually just IM them or we start writing and go with the flow. I like this organic kind of writing, where ideas pop up and you move along with them. Planning is great, and having a general idea of where the thread will go is amazing, but discovering HOW it will get there is so... rewarding!

8. How do you feel about duplicates? I’m incredibly insecure, so I avoid duplicates not to compare myself and end up abandoning the blog for thinking I’m not good enough :|

9. How long have you been involved in roleplaying? Oh my, here is where you discover I’m a dinosaur on Tumblr. I’ve been writing on tumblr for around 10 years, and I’ve never written outside of this website, I think I wouldn’t be able to roleplay outside of tumblr at this point.

10. Is there a muse or verse you wish you could write in, but haven’t? Oh, quite a few! But alas, I have no time to write the muses and verses I do have, imagine writing new ones! But one day I want to make a couple more blogs for one or two muses I’d like to give a try!

tagged: @thuganomxcs — thanks so much! ♥♥

tagging: literally anyone who sees this!

#┈ ┊ To learn through suffering; to thrive in chaos || ( musings ).#┈ ┊ Out of shrine || ( ooc ).#I love these! Thanks so much!#I feel like a famous person being interviewed hahahah

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normaltothemax · 2 years

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@lovepurposed

He blinks once, and then twice for good measure, trying to let his brain catch up to spoken words, a foreign accent. Is she a sorceress? What is…Google? He shakes his head, accepting that the workings of his mind are a little dusty. Has he been poisoned? He feels well enough. He hasn’t had a drink from a strange goblet or the likes. She will, of course, need to be taken to Camelot and dealt with, whether she is peasant or sorceress…or, a working girl. She cannot just stay out here, ready to steal the next unlucky passerby’s horse. Or go about poking people’s swords. She could be hurt.

Warily, he sheathes his sword and unclasps his cloak, offering it to her before averting his eyes. “Please,” he asks kindly, before continuing, “Surely you must know there’s no village for at least half a day’s ride? Camelot is much closer, I can take you there. As long as you don’t mean to cause trouble or steal anyone else’s horse or food. My servant, Merlin can fetch you some proper clothes and a warm meal. I am Prince Arthur, and I mean you no harm, only to see you to safety. Where are you from?”

And why so eager to escape?

He realizes he’s been most unkind in his judgments. It is something he’s working on. A better understanding of his people, and the circumstances surrounding them. They all have stories, and it might be worthwhile to hear the girl’s if he can decipher any of the foreign words she’s using. “Speak slowly, your use of language is difficult to understand.”

God, he was really committing to this little bit, wasn’t he? He even looked confused by her words. Fuck a duck. But if that’s what it took to get her out of the damn woods, Max would suck it up and play along. Heaving a sigh, she accepted his cape and forced herself to give him a small smile and a quiet, “Thanks.” Seeing as his face was almost as red as the cape, she draped it over her shoulders and wrapped it around herself, essentially cocooning herself in it.

Whatever, she was cold anyways.

“I didn’t know that, actually. And I wasn’t stealing anything.” Seriously, where would she even keep a horse in the city? “This is the first time I’ve ever even seen a horse, and I figured, they don’t live in the woods, right? So that means people. Or...” she gestured to him, “person, I guess. I was just letting him sniff me---I didn’t wanna get bit.” Now that she was saying it out loud, it did sound kind of stupid. A light pink dusted her cheeks with the realization.

She decided not to comment on the whole Merlin thing, choosing instead to raise a brow at Prince Arthur. Of all the characters to play, he picked royalty. Full of himself much? As he had yet to point out which way she needed to go, however, she held her tongue. “Well, good. I’d hate to have to kick your ass, if you tried hurting me.” Big talk from a small woman, especially since he had a sword---that actually looked sharp, what?---but if he was allowed to be a prince, then she could make shit up too. As far as he knew, she could totally be an expert fighter. “I’m Max. From California. Here’s hoping that’s not too far away from Camelot.”

#lovepurposed #✦ ic #✦ ic: max parker #✦ verse: i don't think we're in kansas anymore toto (max parker)

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genesysofthestars · 26 days

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Day 49

Erina stood in the middle of chaos.

Every personnel in the room crammed on their panels. The members shouted information and the guild masters shouted orders back. It was reaching to the point of threatening to hurt all ears, except hers. Behind the wide windows surrounding the room, Erina could only see blinding *white* thrashing on the glass ruthlessly*.*

Despite her injured leg, Erina pushed herself to reach the main room in hopes of any update. However, without even speaking a word, she already knew what kind she’ll be getting.

“Sir, the snowstorm! It's getting stronger!”

“Tsk, close the gates. We cannot risk-!”

“Don't you dare! The rest of our teams are still out there!”

“We already lost them! We've been trying to reconnect to them but there's nothing!”

Erina immediately reached out the nearest person in the room and by sheer coincidence, it was the person she needed the most. Paige turned around, her eyes widening in shock upon seeing her. “Ms. Erina, what are you doing here?! You should be resting-”

“Don’t worry about me,” huffed Erina. “Where’s Erick?”

“I don't fucking know. He joined the last rescue group heading out before I could stop him and... you know the rest by now."

Her mind filled with multiple curses in multiple langauges that no one can decipher it. “That stubborn man."

“For once, I agree with you.”

Erina and Paige watched the guild masters continued to bicker.

“We cannot abandoned them-!”

“We already tried everything. Don't you see, it's hopeless.”

“But we cannot just give up like that!”

“Is there anything we can do?” whispered Paige.

Erina let out an unamused chuckle. “What makes you think I have a plan right now?”

“You always do. You and Erick, both of you, are too clever for this world.”

And she was right.

One word silenced them.

“Sirens.”

Both masters looked at Erina with both shock and confusion. She explained “If we cannot find them, let them find us. And if they cannot see us, let them hear us.”

Tough crowd, Erina thought, as they gave her looks of distrust and honestly, she couldn't blame them. She was, after all, merely an outsider meddling into their business. However, as her temper began to spark up, there was no time for such emotions right now. Not when there were lives on the line and the clock was ticking.

But before any of them could say a word, Paige spoke up.

“I trust her, sir.”

Erina stared at her, almost failing to hide the surprise.

She continued, “And if it wasn’t for her, this rescue mission wouldn't be possible at all."

One of the master spoke, “The sound might attract corruptive creatures. We do not have the manpower to defend ourselves.”

“I can take care of it if that happens.”

Now it was Paige’s turn to look at Erina, her surprise and a hint of anger clearly drawn on her face. "What?!" She hissed at her, “How the bloody fuck can you do that? You're injured!”

“Didn't you say trust me?” She smiled, the kind that she was already too familiar with, the one that belonged to a certain thief. “Then trust me on this one too.”

She was still uncertain for her but… she sighed, both in frustration and realization.. “I don't have a choice, do I?”

“Why do you think Erick got stuck with me?” she replied with a wink.

Erina then faced the people of the room and stood there like a whole different person. “So what it would be, my beloved guild masters?” she asked. “Are you willing to take the risk with me?”

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #100 words a day #(oc: erina)#(arc: heist)

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pitythefool888 · 1 month

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“Your existence is not impossible, but it’s also not very likely”

In geological time we are nothing but a blip, blink and you could miss an entire human lifespan, even all of humanity accumulated. We are of two minds, the one that can comprehend the vastness of the universe and our relatively small place in it, coming up with models of the universe and ideas like “Deep Time” which serve to let the mind comprehend this immensity, and also of the one that is used to go about our daily lives. Humans are unique creatures in that we have the ability to back step from our lives and take an outsider perspective. At the same time there is no escape from these lives except by death. We have somehow found ourselves in the position of the mind experiencing itself. The Law of conservation of Mass explains that matter cannot be created nor destroyed. If this holds true, every state of being from the beginning of time consists of the same matter being infinitely reorganized into new formations. Same soup just reheated, if you will. We are of the universe, not situated apart from it. We share the same chemical elements with the stars, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Carbon, and Oxygen. I have often asked myself, if we share the same chemical components and have developed complex enough brain functions to be aware of our place in the cosmos, does that make the world like clay in our hands? Looking at all we have deciphered and built over the ages, I would argue that it does. But just like the first time you learn how small you really are in this world, reckoning with what we are capable of can be overwhelming, daunting, and even downright scary. It’s a lot of potential power and a lot of responsibility. I think placing this burden of truth elsewhere is one of the ways we try to cope with this. Faith is put in countless ideas and concepts larger than ourselves and always has been. From the first creation myths to modern religion to maths and physics to rulers, leaders and governments, it seems there is always a default to structures of power. We act in servitude to the entities larger than ourselves because without them the burden falls on the everyday person to work out the meaning of it all, and I reckon that gets in the way of trying to live a normal life, a happy and healthy life full of tiny little things we love so dearly. But in every ideology about the structure of the universe sits an assemblage of millions of lives and generations. In a single lifetime one could only begin to speculate on all the things to consider that makeup an individual existence, much less the existence of all things, but in the thousands if not millions of tangential deities, cosmologies, and sciences that groups of people have oriented themselves to, their is the accumulation of millions of lifetimes of thinkers, from those revered to those who died unknown. All of these lives spent in one way or another looking for the governing pattern and larger plan.

Everyone partakes in meaning-making processed in their own lives at some point or another. I would go as far as to speculate every human beings has at one point asked themselves “what is this all for?”. If that is the case, why hasn’t anyone cracked the code yet? Perhaps it's because there isn’t one. No larger plan, no proper order of things, just chaos we are left to live through and try to make sense of. This would explain why our lives seem so full of absurdity, because that’s the natural state of existence. Yet through all of this we trudge forward. We make lives, make friends, find jobs, homes, fall in love, travel the world, examine and experience. We experience, then we process and dissect, then experience again, process some more, and over time attribute all this thinking and processing to a larger scaffolding that we call a life. When there was no grander scheme to attribute meaning to, we created our own, and defined our lives by those constructions. The indomitable human spirit ringing out across the ages.

If absurdity is coincidence, and we are the universe experiencing itself, maybe Plato was right when he said you can only be wise when you accept you will never know everything. Maybe you can only find peace when you accept that you will never receive an answer to the biggest questions in existence. But even the ungoverned state of chaos in the cosmos can’t stop us from asking. It may be impossible to know everything, but it’s not impossible to know some things, even a lot of things. If I truly know nothing in the grand scheme, then how can I rely on my own certainty that there is no larger plan? How can I know the laws of the universe won’t have become a viral, civilization changing phenomena tomorrow? I don’t, and that’s the exciting bit. We can speculate all we want but at a certain point it becomes meaningless if we don’t actively engage in the world we spend so much time thinking about. Even as I began to put pen to paper sitting atop my garage roof, exploring a stream of consciousness exercise on the absurd, I felt I was going mad. I felt I could be sat up their writing forever as I followed each idea down the bend of the river, but then my butt started to get sore and my hand started to cramp and I was forced to tend to those things, unable to write forever. Our physical bodies ground us in the world by ensuring we experience it, and I posit without the physical, if we were just consciousness, we would be driven mad by the immensity of thought, we would end up lost in isolation inside our own minds.

Absurdity and happenstance are inextricable from existence. There is no way of telling with certainty what is going to happen in the future, be it an hour from now or a thousand years. Expectation and reality are bound to clash against one another, and this is the most important fact of life. If things always went exactly as planned there would be no learning, no variety, no being left speechless and dumbfounded, no state of awe. Without those things one is left in a state of stagnation. Never growing, never changing, never improving. Without absurdity there would be no hope and no humanity, and there never would be. Absurdity is the external factor pushing progress. It is the lifeblood of all existence.

-MD

#philosophy #absurdism #thomas nagel #plato #the human condition #the indomitable human spirit #chaotic academia #no plan #existentialism #welcome to night vale

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akinformation · 7 months

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Page 06

Foreword

The subject matter I will present in this book is merely information we will research together. It will make a powerful impact, and your mind may get startled and try to resist. Sometimes, your mind will want to shut off because it cannot handle the process. Sometimes, it will be very proactive as it attempts to decipher the information. From time to time, you will comprehend the material with your heart and observe. And there will be moments when you need to use your mind and logic. So, we intend to treat this information as data and deeply research it until we find its true integrity. I have a story to tell. About what happened to me, why, and how I became what I am. We will study this story from my perspective: how I see the world, how it is structured, who sets the rules, and how it all works. We will review the story from this position in an attempt to tap into the essence of all things. I will explain why I think this way and how I got here. The main point of this study is to allow yourself to go on a journey. It will be an exercise for your brain that will shake and rattle your mind. And if you feel shocked, inspired, upset, silly, agitated, or even scared, remember that it is all part of the game.

Our quest. Our “Digital Crusade”. More than likely, you will go through a whole load of different emotions. Your angels and demons will all wake up. Just understand that it is how it is supposed to be. But don’t let yourself get lost in these emotions. As soon as the quest is over, tell yourself – “The quest is over.” And the rollercoaster of emotions is over, too. You are fine. You will go back to your real life, and all your thoughts and feelings will be left behind in the game. And it was an awesome experience. This is how we will approach it. Of course, along with the action of the game, we can fight and worry, fall in love, and feel inspired. Everything is possible in this quest. But always keep in mind that it is just a game. And you are a player in it. It is a particular mechanism, and we are evolving by participating in it. It is the format of this book. It is a novel, a fairytale in the first person, and I am just a writer!

Some people will have a hard time. Those of you who have read too much and heard too much. Each of you has your own opinion, and you feel like you know

#alternativehistory #GreatWork #magnumopus #alchemy #axismundi

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stewyso · 10 months

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Alexa, what am I?

One look into a reflective glass and a joyful smile turns bittersweet. what am I feeling? I ask my mind. I don't think I recognize myself, is this what I look like all the time? The thought makes me frown.

But is this accurate? I don't think it is. Maybe I look better? I know I'm lying to myself, I hope one day I'll get myself to believe it. You know people always say 'you're your harshest critic' I probably look better to others. But what is better? I ask. "I don't know" I answer myself. well what do we think better is? I ask the same mind who's thought of the question and is going to answer. My everyday question of 'am I insane?' passes by. I don't pay it much attention. It's a normal question to me at this point, I think I'm insane but if I'm still functioning and not hurting anyone do I really need help?

ugh what was I asking myself before? Oh right 'what is better?'. Well, maybe better would be a nicer smile. "Why are you unsure?" "shut up it's just a filler" the two voice argue. They're not actually different but dwelling on that makes me feel weird. They haunt me but in a weird sense give me companionship. My lips are also weird I'd like it if they were a different shape oh! maybe a different size too. I've always loved and simultaneously hated the way they looked, just an inch away of being what I deem pretty. But is it really what I deem pretty? or someone else? I can't decide, can't it be both? My eyes too actually I don't know what I want different about them but I don't like them either. 'There were times you liked them' the, what I imagine is gentle, voice says with a hint of wonder. 'well all of this can't be changed and you should get ready enough of staring; it's useless and somehow makes you feel non-human' the voice speaks as if it's not my own thought process.

Since when have I started thinking like this? Too long to remember I suppose and the thought scares me. The voices are always switching. Sometimes what I've taken as me is talking. It's in 1st person and it's my genuine thought process no 'lies' or 'maybes' or 'do I actually think this?'.

The other I've imagined is more androgenous is harsher usually trying to pull me back to reality and realistic. Other times it says things I'm not sure of; in the sense that it's about me but I don't know how true, 'or false' the other voice reminds, it is. I'd dwell on it but I know that, as of right now at least, there will be no answers found. The third voice I imagine is slightly more feminine it's one I'm less knowing of despite it being my own extension of sorts.

It makes me realize how cocky we as humans can get. We think we know so much yet we don't. We explore failing to understand our own being. The same words made into endless strings shaping our person and constantly changing. All to just to be erased, completely forgotten as we take a last breath drowning in something that isn't darkness and isn't light, and not something we'll be conscious to decipher and work our brains for more words about. Death, I think is very intriguing it takes you away words unspoken, questions unanswered, thoughts misunderstood by the same person making them. And I wonder what are we? Is there a way, an answer to that question? even if it lies in the hands of a deity one who will not or maybe cannot share it with us I think it'll put me at ease to know if there is. 8 billion humans, each different yet each so similar and each will never view things the same way.

I blink, one time 'what was I just talking about before this', two times, I go back word before word, thought before thought and I remember 'the third voice'. The third one is special it feels foreign in away that's a bit hard to describe, and almost like something I wish I was but will most likely not be. Sometimes it'll treat me with kindness remind me and convince me that whatever insecurities I'm having aren't true, sometimes it fails others it succeeds. Other times it will break me down like it's holding a piece of paper in a boring place, tearing it once at a time. And, unfortunately, she's the one who's words I believe, or at least convince myself I do, most. Lately I've been believing it a lot more and I find it brings my mood up and down too fast, like a rollercoaster who's parts are built seconds before the cart passes over at full speed. And it angers me in ways I do not understand it makes me helpless, frustrated and weak it makes me feel like a doll, built to be perfect and failing. Dolls are pretty and anger is not pretty I've subconsciously believed over the years, and violent mood swings are even uglier and now tell me who would seek out an ugly doll? my voice and the third's mesh together and I think 'is that normal' 'who cares if it's not' it replies.

'who are you?' I try to ask, try to understand, learn, collect from this voice I've pathetically learnt to call a friend 'I'm not a person to be asked that' it replies tone mad and annoyed 'right'. The conversation ends and I feel even crazier but at least I'm not talking out loud right? I think this is better at least.

⋆─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──‧₊˚ ☾ ｡ ⋆─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──‧₊

hi (ﾉ⁠・⁠ω⁠・⁠)⁠ﾉ this is my first post i hope it good lol i appreciate any advice/constructive criticism

#writing #words of mine #word vomit

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words-of-a-venus · 1 year

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11:40.

Hey, kiddo. I don't remember you that well to be honest, and I'm sure you have no idea who I am. I probably look really different than the person you imagined we'd grow into someday.

Although, you were never really looking ahead and thinking "future". Time ahead was not something that really consumed your thoughts all that much. Sure, if people asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, you had ideas: astronaut, marine biologist, tree surfer (a lá Tarzan). But the thought left your head as quickly as the question had been asked. You had better and more pressing matters to focus on: tea parties with Grandma; making paper gifts for your cousins; or playing tag with dad. You always exposed your hiding spots, because - try as you might - you couldn't stifle your giggles, watching dad "high step" through the kitchen to the living room. You didn't know about anything bad yet. You lived in a world where no one died, eggshells only exist in the context of breakfast, and you didn't feel shameful about any parts of yourself.

I wanna tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't remember a lot of our childhood, or tap into it emotionally as much as I'd like to, I guess. I remember it in big chunks, and maybe that's just a part of growing up - things seem further away as more and more time passes. Most of our childhood was full of sparkles and imagination and sunshine. It was dipped in warm summer nights; barefoot in the grass and splashing in the pool.

But to grow up is to understand now the things you couldn't as a child. You grew up walking on eggshells. you were made to dress, look and feel a certain way. You didn't know if the mommy or daddy you were talking to in every conversation was "safe" or "unsafe". You didn't know what response you would get - judgement, disdain and scorn, or adoration and praise.

as you grow up and try to discover, navigate and decipher the world around you & who you are, I have to tell you: being sensitive is a gift. your feelings don't lie to you, and the way you try to speak is not "talking back" or "being difficult". you are not selfish, you are not only thinking of yourself. you love deeply, widely and fully. your heart can hold oceans and move mountains. Please hold onto that.

At some point, they stopped wanting to know you.

Dad will stop at around 12 years old - you're a teenager now, and he doesn't even understand any of his own emotions, so trying to understand yours will be like staring down a hurricane. I promise, he gets better as an adult. He relates to you again, because you're closer to his level. Still, there is a lot of missed time that will never, ever be covered with him. A lot of things he won't know. Eventually, you'll come to terms with that. He loves you as much as he can, and as far as he's able to love himself. For you, that's enough. Still, there will be a lot of feelings to navigate alone, but I promise you that you don't have to go looking for them in the form of other boys. They will never fill the roll of "dad", as much as you really really want them to. You'll obsess over them, and not in a cute, romcom way - moreso, in the way that as soon as you have their attention, you will not be able to think about anything else. Nothing else will matter. I cannot stress how much the thought of some boy loving you will consume every other aspect of your life. Please, please don't let these boys stand where you're supposed to in your own story.

Mom will stop at around nineteen. You're getting older, further away. Both in distance, and personality. You're developing facets and parts of you that are foreign to her, that she isn't sure how to navigate. You're bisexual, you're liberal, you're a feminist. You like tattoos, piercings and alternative fashion. You're a hippie, with a capital H. All of these adjectives will become dirty, capital-letter curse words. You're not supposed to tell anyone about your sexuality, or discuss it with her. Ever. You'll be stonewalled into guilt, and eventually you'll end up groveling for forgiveness, as if you've done anything wrong. Nothing done out of love is wrong. You've known since you were a child. Still, she's made you feel that you're supposed to be the skinny, blonde, and "classy" extension of her that she couldn't rise to meet.

They're going to start telling you that they didn't raise you this way, but they obviously & completely did. You - fortunately - were able to open your mind, blink with wide-eyes like a newborn deer, and assess the world around you. It's the angry world she and dad created, and it holds the cycles that you simply refuse to repeat in your (possible) future generation: racism, sexism, blatant homophobia and transphobia. I know you don't know what all of these words mean yet, and that's okay. you're little. I want you to stay little. God, how I want you to stay little. I want you to stay sweet, pure, happy, and (honestly) a bit dumb. I want you to stay in your imagination, where you belong.

stay sensitive. stay loving. give your friends the biggest hugs, give them kisses on the cheeks. please, please hug grandma just a little bit longer for me, and so much tighter. stand firm in the things you say, no matter what anyone says to you. the things you think & say hold weight and value, even if you're told that they don't. you're not too much, ever. you don't need validation from boys, or anyone else. the only people I want you to make proud, babygirl, is us: both at five, and eighty-five. so far, you're making me proud at twenty-five. I love you unconditionally, even when mom and dad aren't sure that they like you. I like you and love you enough for all three of us.

2/2/23.

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ljsstories · 2 years

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Chapter Sixteen: Damage Control

"Why do you think you are here today?"

"Don't patronise me! You know and I know exactly why I'm here!"

"Yes but it would be beneficial for both of us if you described the events that led up to you being here, can you walk me through it?"

"I'm an addict, you do the math!"

"There's no need to be so defensive, there are no judgements here, only understanding."

"I thought this was rehab, not a hippie commune!"

"Jensen I cannot help you if you do not want to be helped. Clearly part of you does seek support or else you wouldn't be here."

"Yeah? Well you try saying no to two hysterical women wringing their hands, wailing, and gnashing their teeth by your bedside as you get your stomach pumped!"

"Jensen? I am here to help you, please...talk me through the night you started drinking again." Jensen thought back to that fateful night just over a week ago, he could still feel the cold breeze rising up from the Hollywood hills as he lay bleeding on his living room floor. He could still hear the screams and cries of his mother and sister as they were met with a bloodbath, it was amazing how several tiny cuts could make that much of a mess. The next thing he remembered was lying on a hospital bed after having the contents of his stomach pumped and his family all sitting around him like he'd actually died. "You took pills, is that correct?" Jensen's new therapist, Jenna Riley, talked him out of his trip down memory lane with yet another question, what was with all these psychologists and their constant questions? He nodded half-heartedly, yeah there were pills involved...again, although he really didn't mean to kill himself this time but no matter how much he tried to convince his mother and sister of that, it fell on deaf ears. He doubted that this shrink, a very dear friend of Charlie's as his sister had put it, would think any different. "What made you take the pills Jensen?" Another fucking question, when would they stop?

"I...I have no fucking idea, it seemed like a solid plan at the time! I just wanted the pain to stop!"

"What pain?"

"The pain of losing everything before I could even get it!"

"Losing what Jensen?"

"Losing her!" Feeling Jane slip from his fingers was the worst feeling he had ever experienced, to have her so near yet so far had been complete and utter torture. To know that his younger brother was with her every day cut him deeper than the glass window he broke that night. The real kicker was that this situation was all of Jensen's own making, he'd sent Jonah over there to get out of the way and he ended up having everything Jensen ever wanted...to be with Jane! "Losing her is the worst...I've never felt anything like it in my entire life. I've been engaged and dumped and I've even felt suicidal to the point where I took pills and wanted everything to end...but the thought of her being in my world and completely out of reach...it hurts...so much...I think she broke something inside of me like..." Jensen turned his head in shame, was he really going to tell this therapist the truth? No...at least...not yet! "She put me back together and then she tore me apart, how can someone do that to another human being? I mean, I know she's going through her own personal hell right now and my brother told me that what I did was so completely selfish that she'll probably never talk to me again but..." Jenna Riley stared at him, her expression hard to decipher, as he continued to rant. "She never really talked to me anyway, so what's the difference?" He laughed bitterly, "Well the difference is that I at least had her attention, I was at least a good guy in her eyes and now..." Still Jenna continued to stare blankly and nod now and again, "Now she truly does hate me! According to Jonah! Oh and he hates me too, for making him come back and leave his new sweetheart all alone. That's on me! Hell everything is on me so if you've got a problem you want to pass the blame onto someone else for? Well, get in line!"

"This her you refer to, this is Jane?" Another blank nod from Doctor Riley.

"Yeah, Jane! I see you've been brought up to speed?" Jenna smiled bashfully and looked down at her feet.

"I...I like your kind of music. I was actually engaged to a friend of yours once upon a time..." Ohhhh that Jenna, Dexter Maloney's ex! That poor girl, she was completely in love with him while she was merely a rebound for him. If there was anyone who knew what he was going through it would be Dex, he and Lainie were happy now but it wasn't always that way. Keira was conceived when they weren't even together, the elevator story, everyone knew that now, how Dex and Lainie went out for the night as friends and got completely drunk then the elevator in their apartment building broke down and one thing led to another. Ashton Maloney, Dexter's brother, found them the next morning all snuggled up together on the dirty floor. It was a famous tale that Sweet Cacophony reaped benefits from for years, girls swooned and guys had respect for the lead singer. After that, when Keira was born, they continued to dance around each other. It wasn't until Keira was a year old that they finally got together, it had been a long journey for them but they eventually made it. How? How did they do it?

"Yeah, I thought your name was familiar. Do you...still talk to Dex?" She shook her head sadly.

"No, sometimes it's healthier to cut all ties, well it was for me. It's not easy to discover that the man you were going to marry was in love with someone else all along. But enough about me, what about you? How are you going to deal with your situation with this Jane?"

"Um, well she calls it Stockholm Syndrome..." Jenna wrinkled her nose in confusion.

"Stockholm Syndrome? That's when the victim of, say a kidnapping, has feelings of affection for their captor, feels empathy, trust even, how does that apply to your situation?" Oh shit! Why did he say that? Was he trying to tell the truth? Jensen rubbed his hands down his thighs and took a deep breath in and then out.

"So, anything I say to you in these sessions are confidential, right?"

"Yes..." She nodded uncertainly, "...I sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement for every client here!"

"So you're like a priest, yeah? You can't go to the police or tell anyone what I tell you, right? Even if there has been a crime committed?" The look of horror on her face was concerning, but then he saw something else in her expression, like she'd hit the jackpot.

"Anything you say to me is strictly confidential, just between the two of us, yes!" She nodded with a strange smirk on her face, "Jensen, did you commit a crime? Did you do something to...to Jane?" Was it wise for the truth to finally come out? Jensen was about to find out.

***

Monica was home, she seemed a little more upbeat than usual and that in turn made Jane feel upbeat too. The occupational therapist had arranged for carers to visit twice a day to help Jane, she was unsure of what these carers were supposed to do, her mother had a list of medication to take and she didn't know whether she was supposed to administer it or leave it to these carers. Monica also seemed keen to eat anything that Jane made her, which was promising, as they waited for the evening visit, the first one since Monica had arrived home in the afternoon, they were both nervous. "What do we do?" Jane looked to her mother.

"I don't know!" Monica shrugged; she was still dressed but very tired so Jane helped her to get into her nightie when there was a knock on the door followed by a hello. It was the carer who looked about twelve years old but seemed very friendly.

"I didn't know what you did so I just...I helped her get ready for bed..."

"That's fine!" The carer smiled, "I'm here to do whatever you need!" They discussed what was required of her, simple things that would make Jane's life a lot easier, it seemed like things were going to work out well. Monica was happy, but not prepared to be left alone that night as she asked Jane if she would sleep in the room with her. A mattress was put on the floor and Jane, along with Daisy the dog who Monica had only seen once since her hospitalisation, slept there for the night. It was uncomfortable but worth it, even though Jane had to get up half the night to take her mother to and from the bathroom. She was exhausted the next morning when another carer arrived and helped Monica wash and dress while Jane had a shower and ate some breakfast. Eliza wanted to help but Jane knew that she was hurting over Jonah's abrupt departure, Jensen Reed had a lot to answer for! Thinking back to that day when Eliza had come to Jane's room telling her that she needed her to come downstairs, that it was Jensen. She thought he had appeared on the doorstep again, never in a million years did she expect what had really happened. Jonah was distraught, his brother had fallen off the wagon and was extremely drunk on the other end of the phone, apparently having drunk dialled him.

"He said that life is a crock of shit and he didn't wanna live it! How could he do this when I'm thousands of miles away?" Jonah had cried while he piled his things into a suitcase, "I've called Ian, he's gonna pick up the rest of my stuff from the cottage and then we're leaving. As soon as I hear back from Jules, I'll get her to book us a flight to L.A. I..." He looked at Eliza who was also crying, she hadn't expected to be separated from him this soon, "...Eliza I don't wanna go but..."

"I understand!" She nodded, Jane's heart broke for her, for them both, it was hard to watch. "You'll give me a ring when you land?"

"Of course baby, of course! I wish I could stay, with you guys but..." Looking at Jane this time with yearning in his eyes, "...you've all been so nice to me, I've never felt more part of a family in my life. Janey I'm...I'm so sorry!" What was he apologising for? For having to leave, or for the unacceptable behaviour of his older brother? Maybe it was both! "I'm just...fuck Jensen and his fucking...I hate him for this, I really do! Just when I..." Jonah trailed off and stopped what he was doing, with fistfuls of clothes, he sighed and turned to Eliza, "...I don't wanna fucking go!" Eliza wrapped her arms around his waist and lay her head on his chest, as they wept together Jane wanted so badly to fix this but she knew that it was out of her hands. Jensen had destroyed another two lives with his selfishness, her thoughts took her back to that day at the police station. He had made her out to be a complete lunatic, calling her a liar and a fantasist when everything she had told the constables was true...he was the liar, not her! Watching her sister have to say goodbye to a guy she had fallen head over heels with made Jane both angry and sad. "I'm just waiting to hear back from my mom or...or Jules I...he promised he'd never do it again, he fucking promised!" Suddenly his phone lit up, it was his sister, as he listened intently to her, wiping his hand down his face and letting out a few expletives, he was getting angrier the longer the phone call went on. Eventually he said goodbye and hung up, throwing his phone into the pile of clothes in his suitcase! "You're not gonna fucking believe this!" He looked at Eliza then to Jane and back again. "So my mom was the first to arrive at his place, then my sister came in at her back as she was screaming. Jules thought he was dead mom was screaming so much, his living room window was smashed to hell, his T.V. is completely destroyed, they found him in a pool of his own blood and vomit. From what they could see, he'd thrown a bottle at them both and there was glass all over the place. They called an ambulance and he's on his way to the hospital right now, alive by the way, not dead although he will be when I get there! They found his anti-anxiety meds empty so they're not sure whether he took them all or if he just tossed them in a rage I dunno!" Jonah licked his lips and closed his eyes, trying to control his own rage, "He has ruined everything!"

"Jonah he could've died, he still might! Don't you have even the tiniest bit of sympathy for him? Aren't you worried about him?" Eliza asked in disbelief, looking up into his blue eyes.

"Why should he?" Jane couldn't believe she'd said it out loud.

"Janey!" Eliza gasped as Jonah nodded in agreement of Jane.

"He did this to himself, for what? Why did he do it? What is so bad in his life that he had to resort to this? Is his mother dying of cancer? Is his life completely ruined by something that he did, a crime that he committed and can't ever forgive himself for? How does he justify being so fucking impulsive?" Jonah was nodding even more at Jane, as if she had hit the nail right on the head.

"Janey he's obviously in some sort of pain, what the hell is wrong with you?" Eliza shook her head at her, "You're a psychologist, have some compassion!"

"No she's right, he's the fucking worst!" Jonah agreed with Jane, much to Eliza's dismay as she looked at both of them disappointedly. "Look I don't wanna argue, I don't know how long I have until Ian gets here, so let's not get into this. All I know is that once again my brother is controlling my life from far away!" Jonah looked defeated, angry but defeated and Jane could totally relate. She felt bad for holding him at arm's length because now she was actually going to miss him. "I'm so sorry Janey, I really am!" He had to stop apologising, it wasn't his fault and Jane understood that.

"Just...be safe!" She had no idea what to say to him, he was a stranger because she'd made him that way, she should have made more effort. Watching how he was breaking his heart over leaving Eliza, she could see that the boy was in love! She was instantly caught off guard when he pulled her in for a hug, standing awkwardly as he squeezed her gently and sighed.

"You're the best Janey, you really are! Thanks for letting me stay here with Eliza, I appreciate you putting up with me because I know you don't really approve of us and that's cool, I understand!" Jane managed to wrestle her way out of his embrace and looked up at him with seriousness.

"Jonah, it's not that, it's...look I know you care very much for my sister and I respect that. You make her happy and that's good enough for me!" Jane could feel arms around her from both sides, Eliza at the back and Jonah at the front. If only she had embraced Jonah Reed sooner, that was her only regret about him having been here, that she didn't give him a chance. Remembering that double hug and how sad they all were that Jonah had to leave, she looked over at her mother sitting in her reclining chair watching the television, she looked so tiny and frail but Jane was going to do something about that. In every cup of tea she made her there was a tablespoon full of double cream, same with scrambled egg...everything had double cream in it including the canned soup she would heat up for her. Jane was going to put meat back on her mum's bones if it killed her. She did think about Jensen sometimes, but they weren't positive thoughts anymore, not after what he did. Jane was shocked by her own feelings just like Eliza was, this was not who she was, she cared about people and she tried to help those that were in physical and emotional pain so why did she not feel for Jensen Reed? The full extent of what had happened to him in the middle of that night in Los Angeles came to light when Jonah finally landed back home and phoned Eliza. Jensen had argued with their mother and stormed out, he'd driven to an off license, or liquor store as they called them in America, bought two bottles of Jack Daniels and headed home to drink himself to death. He had indeed taken his anti-anxiety medication and mixed with the booze it made him even more depressed, he'd smashed in his television and a giant window in his living room. When his sister and mother got there in the middle of the night straight after Jonah had contacted them, Jensen was lying on top of tiny shards of glass from the window that had cut his skin all over, tiny shallow cuts that made a hell of a mess apparently, blood and vomit everywhere as Jonah had already told them before. He had regained consciousness when the ambulance arrived and had become quite violent towards the paramedics, when he got to the hospital he had his stomach pumped as he wasn't making much sense and they couldn't determine how many pills he had taken. He was on the verge of alcohol poisoning and he suffered an acute kidney injury. He was in a really bad way but still Jane couldn't find it in her heart to feel sorry for him, as far as she was concerned he brought it all on himself. Even her mother scolded her for her attitude, telling her that this wasn't her, she was right, it wasn't! Why did she feel nothing but hatred for him? He had been through an ordeal! He had been so utterly unhappy that he'd almost killed himself, he claimed it was an accident and that he never intended to end his life, but his mother and sister didn't believe him. Now he was in rehab, it was all over the news, and his family were not allowed to contact him until the people in charge of his care decided otherwise. They would get updates from a Doctor Jenna Riley, who happened to be the ex-fiancée of Jane's beloved Dexter Maloney. Jonah would call Eliza several times a day, sometimes forgetting about the time difference and waking everyone except Jane up, she was awake anyway keeping an eye out for her mum. Eliza was now worrying herself sick that Jonah was going to cheat now that he was halfway across the world and out of her reach. He did have a reputation but Jane could see how much Jonah cared for her sister, she doubted very much that he would be interested in anyone else, not at the rate he was keeping in touch, someone who called their girlfriend as much as Jonah Reed did was not going to stray any time soon. Still Eliza talked to Jane about this regularly, it was always on her mind and if she wasn't careful it might put a strain on their relationship. If Jonah had no intentions of straying then mentioning it constantly might drive him to do so, that's if Eliza had actually brought it up with him, she really hoped she hadn't. Jonah was good for her, despite her previous reservations, he brought out the best in her.

"I'd like to lie down now!" Monica's voice suddenly caught Jane's attention, she didn't seem to stay in her chair for very long and preferred lying on the hospital bed that the occupational therapist had provided for her. Jane just wished that she would perk up a little, she was home surrounded by family and the dog was happy to see her, why couldn't she focus on the positive and enjoy what time she had left?

"You could always lie in the chair mum."

"No, my side is sore again, can I lie on the bed?" Jane reluctantly helped her mum back onto her bed, if she was being honest she lost her the day they had to give up her space, the day she was told she had the chest infection. Monica never really got over that even though she ended up at Woodland View eventually, her fight was gone. Jane just had to fight that little bit harder for the both of them, and she did, guiltily forcing her mum to eat when she told her she felt sick. She wasn't going to give up as easily, maybe it was selfish of her to make her mother even try, but all Jane knew was that she wanted as much time with her as possible. Ricky would hardly spend any time with Monica, it was hard for him to be in the same room, he was lucky he had a choice, Jane had to be there twenty four hours a day whether she liked it or not. She even had to sleep on the floor of Monica's room every night, something she thought she would only have to do the first night she came home but ended up doing it permanently.

Eliza was in a bad way, missing Jonah terribly even though they spoke several times a day on the phone and he would Facetime her now and again too, they would just gaze at each other, not saying much and Jane found it rather cute. When she wasn't talking to Jonah, she was weeping over their mother and how she wanted to help but wasn't as strong as Jane. Where was everyone getting this from? That Jane was so strong? Jane was not strong, she just had to get on with it, someone had to and it wasn't going to be her dad or Eliza! Since Monica had returned home she had left dealing with her stoma to Jane and the carers, she would take nothing to do with it, to her surprise Jane was dealing with it well, what other choice did she have? There was no time for moaning and arguing with everyone, there was work to be done and who knew how long they had left with Monica? As she boiled the kettle to make her mother some tea, Eliza appeared and sat herself down on one of the chairs at the centre island. "Janey? I think I'm going to split up with Jonah!" She was what? Jane turned to her sister with her mouth gaping in shock.

"Why the fuck would you do that?"

"Well..." She sighed and picked up the saltshaker, "...he's so far away and I can't focus on mum while he's over there! Let's face it, we're doomed!"

"No, no Liza you're not doomed! When he was here did you get on?"

"Well yeah..."

"And when he left, were you not heartbroken?"

"Yeah..."

"Then why the fuck would you dump him? He's got enough shit going on with that brother of his, he doesn't need this! What harm does it do talking on the phone and video chatting now and again? Eliza don't throw this away! When mum's gone what will you do then?" Eliza stared at her sister with a slight frown on her face, probably wondering why she was team Joliza all of a sudden, a nickname Eliza had made up, not her!

"I suppose..." Eliza sighed and placed the shaker back down on the counter with a pout, "...I was trying to get in there first! It's only a matter of time until his head is turned by some Hollywood bimbo, let's face it, I can't compete with the plastic people!" Jane threw herself down beside her and took hold of her hands.

"You are beautiful! Jonah is crazy about you, he adores you! I see the way he looks at you, any girl would kill for a boy to look at her that way!" Eliza gave her sister a twisted smile.

"You mean the way Jensen looks at you?" Jane sighed and turned away from her sister, "Oh come on Jane! That day at the hospital? Who turns their jet around fifteen minutes before landing in Austria to fly to Scotland..." Jane shook her head, trying to block out Eliza's words, "...who does that? Just to visit someone in hospital. Jane, no one does that! Unless..." Don't say it, do not say those words, "...unless they're completely in love with that person?" Jane stood up and poured water into a mug for her mother's tea.

"We're not talking about me Eliza; I swear if you dump that boy you'll regret it for the rest of your life! And I'll be pissed off with you because I always wanted a brother!" She could hear Eliza huff and let out a frustrated growl as Jane was left alone in the kitchen, why did she have to bring up Jensen Reed? Once again he was becoming a thorn in her side, she just wished he would go away!

***

"Well Jensen I think we're making some good progress here!"

"Really?"

"Yes, you're talking a lot more and that's always a good thing..."

"I'm only talking to you because you signed an NDA! No other reason than that...and I needed to get this off my chest!"

"Yes of course you did, it's a lot for one person to keep to themselves for two whole years. Besides, you need to deal with the trauma you suffered during your abduction..."

"Whoa!" Jensen raised his hands and stood up from his chair, "I have no trauma, she didn't hurt me she healed me!" Jenna nodded sadly then pressed her pen to her mouth as if she was choosing what she said next very carefully.

"Jane committed a crime Jensen, she kidnapped you and chained you up, locked you in a room for several days..."

"Hey! I told you she freed me every morning!" He pointed an accusatory finger at Doctor Riley.

"Yes, and I accept the fact that you would sub-consciously chain yourself back up again before she came back, I do take that into account but..."

"No! You don't get to blame Jane for anything!"

"And that is the problem! Jensen you don't accept that she did anything wrong in any way, shape or form!" Jensen threw himself back down and melted into the soft chair, folding his arms roughly and looking anywhere but at his therapist, "You also don't acknowledge that you have caused Jane considerable trauma too!" He turned to look at Doctor Jenna with an angry glare, "Jensen, you pursued her relentlessly with letters and tickets, you even turned up on her doorstep! Can you imagine how frightening that must have been for her? To see you standing there in front of her out of the blue. Not to mention the way you acquired her home address! Jensen you broke the law too!"

"I know that! I know all of this, why are you dredging it back up?"

"Because it's my job! I know this is painful for you but we need to go through everything in minute detail in order for you to heal. This is the second time you've overdosed and fallen off the wagon, how do we stop it happening again?" Jensen stared at her and shrugged his shoulders, "We address the trauma, we acknowledge the faults on both sides, we see Jane's point of view and we also talk through exactly what happened to you and why it was not okay, even though you feel that it was...it wasn't!"

"She's a good person!" Jensen blurted out defensively.

"Yes, she is, I am not denying that! The facts though, they speak for themselves! She abducted another human being and held them captive for nearly two whole weeks! That's a big deal Jensen, and if she truly had healed you, been your salvation, then you wouldn't be here right now. Would you?" Damn, she was good! Way better than Sweater Boy, she was fucking good at her job, she deserved an award or something!

"So how do we start?"

"At the very beginning, leave nothing out..."

"But I've already..." Jenna raised a hand to silence him.

"We start at the very beginning, again, and you leave nothing out this time. You describe to me every feeling you had and every moment you were there with Jane...everything Jensen! Even if it's something you don't want to say out loud, something you don't want to admit...you have to!" Jensen nodded reluctantly and did as he was told, he started from the beginning...again!

"I was just finished a show in Glasgow, I wasn't in the best of places. I was drinking again, just enough to take the edge off, my meds weren't working so I thought I'd add something extra to the mix. I didn't realise that mixing Zoloft with booze would just make me even more depressed..." Jenna nodded with a knowing smile, "I had to have dinner with a fan in the hotel where I was staying that night. It was supposed to be private, off limits so my manager had booked a room for just the two of us, I had taken five times my dose of meds and washed them down with a mouthful of Jack so as you can imagine things were about to take a nasty turn." Another knowing nod from Jenna as he continued, telling her how he was becoming drowsy but soldiered on, he ignored the girl sat across from him and even ordered her meal without consulting her, he was the ultimate douche bag. Then the fans appeared, his security detail was nowhere to be found, "And then I grabbed Jane's hand and I...dragged her to the elevator! I took her along for the ride!"

"So you feel like it was your choice to go with her, that technically she didn't kidnap you, you went of your own free will?"

"I must have, how else did she get me in the car? The next thing I knew I was in a dark room, my left ankle felt heavy, I was gonna be sick so I felt my way around and ended up in this bathroom. I spent most of the night hugging the toilet I was so sick! I only remembered that part a long time after, because before that my memory began when I woke up the next day and she was giving me painkillers and water."

"Have you remembered anything else that you forgot about that night?"

"Not that night, but some things have come back, in little pieces. Like how she would unchain me and leave the door unlocked, I didn't really notice at the time but there was a specific click when she locked the door and I don't remember hearing it any time she unchained me. She told me when she threw me out that she'd given me loads of chances to escape, if I close my eyes and concentrate..." He did just that as Jenna sat listening patiently, "...I can think back to all the times she left the window open; it would have been easy enough for me to slip through and escape, or shout out for help to the house next door. I could have easily overpowered her and got out, but I didn't! I put it down to the fact that for the first few days I was shaking, sweating and desperate for another drink. I think the last thing on my mind was escaping, it suited me to be chained up because I couldn't get another drink, I couldn't hurt myself or cause any trouble!"

"So, Jane was trying to get you to leave, subtly, and you didn't want to?"

"Yeah! I realise that now! I told myself that if she hadn't thrown me out I'd have stayed with her forever, she listened to me, I was so sick of being controlled by Bryan, the way that Jane controlled me was different. She controlled what I ate and drank, when I was allowed to be unchained and when I could shower...it felt like rehab, it really did!"

"But it wasn't! She made a mistake and she tried so desperately to correct it but you wouldn't let her!" Jensen looked at Jenna with surprise, "Let's talk about the day she let you go, what made you finally leave?"

"She was...mean to me..."

"But you said that she was mean to you at the start, what was different this time?"

"I don't know, it hurt more!"

"Because you felt like you were friends?"

"Not friends exactly, kindred spirits maybe? I just thought we were past all that and she came in and said the most horrible things!"

"How did that make you feel? How did you feel about her after that?"

"Angry! Hurt and betrayed? I dunno, all I know is that I was this close..." He demonstrated with his thumb and index finger how close he had been, "...this close to reporting her to the police, I stood outside the door for a few minutes and I nearly went inside!"

"Why didn't you?"

"I couldn't! I was going to kill myself the night she took me! If it hadn't been for her I'd be dead, I was alive because she took me! Do you understand?" Jensen's face felt damp as he realised he was crying.

"I do!" Jenna smiled at him, "I understand your point of view and I understand Jane's, but when you strip the emotion away from it, what you both did was very wrong and that is what I need you to accept!"

"I know!" Jensen wept, "But I love her! I love her!" Jenna sighed, looking down at the ground as if a lot of this felt familiar to her.

"Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean that they are meant for you. I don't mean to belittle your feelings but...sometimes we can fall for the wrong person at the wrong time, or even the right person at the wrong time. Do you honestly think that if you'd met Jane in passing that she would have made such a lasting impression on you? Would you have taken one look at her and thought that was the girl you were going to marry and nothing was going to stand in your way of having her?"

"I can't answer that because it didn't happen that way, but I did fall in love with her and I do want to marry her! What the fuck does it matter how I got there?"

"It matters a great deal Jensen, remember the first meeting we had and you mentioned that Jane told you that you were suffering from Stockholm Syndrome?"

"Yeah, she tried to use fancy words to trivialise my feelings!"

"No Jensen, she may have had a point. I want to look into this further, I want you to try and be logical about your experience and the circumstances that led you to falling for Jane."

"I don't care how it happened, it happened! I love her and I want her to see that, all I ever wanted was to be with her! When I sent Jonah over to Scotland, it was to get out of my hair, to give me a break! I never thought in a million years that what I so desperately wanted would just fall into his lap so fucking easily!"

"He got to be with Jane, while you were over here touring?"

"Yes! It came so easy to him, something I'd worked my ass off for, for two fucking years I tried so hard to get Jane to see me! To give me just a tiny piece of her, to give me the time of day!" Jenna handed him a tissue as he felt more tears trickle down his face, "He went over there and within two weeks he was welcomed into her family with open arms and I was out in the cold as usual!"

"As usual?"

"Yes, Jonah was always the needy one who got everyone's attention, and I could live with it when it was my mom and sister but when he took Jane too..." Jenna looked at him expectantly, "...she was supposed to be mine, someone that nobody could take away from me, nobody could touch!"

"Then Jonah ended up living under the same roof and it tipped you over the edge?"

"Yes! Jane and I have a connection, we're soulmates!" Jenna closed her notebook and placed it on the coffee table in front of them.

"I think we'll stop here for today; you'll be emotionally drained after that. I appreciate that she is special in your eyes and that to you it feels as if you're soulmates but..." She trailed off as Jensen's eyes widened, "...I want you to sleep on it for now, we can pick up where we left off tomorrow. Good work Jensen, we really are making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it yet."

"Before I go..." Jensen sat forward in his chair and continued to look Jenna in the eyes, "...Dexter!" He could've sworn he saw her roll her eyes at the mention of his name, "Are you over him? Did you move on?" Her sad smile told him everything he needed to know.

"I don't think you ever get over someone like Dex, even though I ended things I never stopped loving him. I just realised that he was never mine in the first place, he always belonged to Lainie. Sometimes when we fall in love with someone, it feels like they are our entire world and that we'll die if we don't get to be with them. I went through that feeling for a long time, it's the reason I don't speak to Dex to this day, I miss Keira and I'm sure she wonders where I went but it was easier for me to just cut off all ties. What I'm trying to say is...maybe someday you will have to do the same thing with Jane, cut off all communication in order for you to begin to heal, it's what I had to do." Well that didn't help at all! As he left Jenna's office, walking down the hall to his room felt like walking miles. He never wanted to forget Jane, he just wanted to find a way to prove to her that what he felt was real, hopefully Jenna would see that and help him to win Jane over...someday. He was finally allowed to call his mother, after over a week in the facility, only he wasn't sure he wanted to. All she was going to say was I told you so and he really didn't need that right now. But to his surprise, it wasn't what she was saying at all.

"Jensen, beautiful boy! Oh it's so good to hear your voice! I've missed you baby; can you ever forgive me for...how are you?"

"Um, I'm fine. Forgive you for what?"

"I can't help feeling like it's all my fault, I was being too pushy I know that now. I take no pleasure in my behaviour sending you to rehab baby boy, I hope you believe that!"

"Mom, I was a powder keg! It was only a matter of time. Besides, Doctor Riley is amazing, way better than Sweater Boy! How is he by the way? Balls deep in big sis I'll bet!"

"JENSEN!!!" He heard his mother gasp on the other end of the phone, it made him smile, he might have been in rehab trying to slay those demons but there was still a bit of the old him in there.

"Chill mom, you do know they're fucking right?"

"Jensen don't be so crude; I am aware that your sister has a gentleman friend. She's a thirty six year old woman, what she does with said gentleman friend is her own business! Now, how's the food? Is it gross? I bet it's gross! As soon as I can I'll be in there with cookies and cake!" Jensen's smile grew into a warm grin, thinking about his mom's cookies, not as good as anything Jane ever baked, but good enough.

"Yeah I look forward to that! How is Jonah? Still not talking to me?" Steph remained silent for a moment, Jensen thought about his brother travelling back from Scotland, leaving his girlfriend behind, all because of him.

"Oh you know, he's not happy but he'll get over it. He talks to Eliza every day; they Facetime a lot too! It might take him a while to...you know, but I'll come and see you as soon as I'm allowed!"

"Tell him I'm sorry, will you? I didn't mean..." What exactly could he say to Jonah that would make a difference? What would sound like less of a lie? Because Jensen was secretly happy that Jonah was no longer under the same roof as Jane, that was just driving him crazy. At the time it didn't matter to him that it would risk his relationship with Eliza, he wasn't exactly thinking straight, all that bothered him was the fact that Jonah got to see Jane every day.

"I think we should just leave that alone, don't poke the angry bear honey. He worries every day that Eliza will break up with him over the distance, it keeps him awake most nights so he's usually video calling her when he should be sleeping, I think our boy's in love!" Big deal, Jensen was in love all this time and no one cared, they just poked fun or made light of his feelings. Tough shit Jonah! He didn't mean that, if he really was in love with Eliza then it was a shame that they'd been forced apart, except Jensen liked it that way. What had happened to him? How could he be so cruel? Maybe Jenna could help him with that too.

"Okay, well I miss you! I just wanted to hear your voice!"

"Call again soon sweetie, please?" Jensen agreed to do just that the next time he had the chance, he still didn't have his cell phone, he was only allowed to use the public phones they had scattered all over the facility and even at that he needed a special card with credits. Back in his room, he thought about what Jonah was going through and tried to feel guilty, but he was just glad to get him away from Jane, the longer the better. As soon as he was better, he was going to take Juliet up on her offer of managing a newly reformed River Monster, keep little brother busy, keep them both busy. He was aware that he would need a distraction when he got out and what better distraction than writing songs and recording with his band? He had a lot riding on Doctor Jenna Riley, he was trusting her with the most intimate details of his life, telling her things he hadn't told another living soul...he sure hoped this was all worth it!

⏮️Previous/Next⏭️

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venusinthe8th · 3 years

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good morning I can’t stop thinking about this tweet

#this is just words #like I cannot even decipher the point this person is trying to make #Man... just thinking #jillian yells

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kalims · 2 years

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genshin impact characters when they meet your ex/jealousy. pt.2

part one.

fluff, crack, established relationship, jealousy, mentions of harassment, light violence that isn't too detailed. long-ish post.

I actually forgot in the first part that I was supposed to add the ex but eh. this was actually due like a month or two ago but I went on a break so it was postponed until i had the inspiration to write.

4 men, 4 women. (itto, raiden, xiao, rosaria, kamisato ayato, kamisato ayaka, albedo, ningguang)

⁀ ✦ arataki itto

I just KNOW this man would be red in the face in anger. why the hell are you looking at another person anyways, heLLOO?? he's right here. *jazz hands*

grumbles while crouching and aggressively picking the grass off the ground, he's even got a whole ass pile from how much grass he took. and it's definitely growing more and more as the time passes by.

maybe if he pretends to be sad and depressed you'll ignore that person? he thinks, proceeding to hide his face in his arms and stay still. trying to decipher if you're walking his way but when he takes a peak you're still talking to them! but with a sour face??

zamn what did you do to my s/o to make them give you ✨that✨ look. he looks up the sky, appearing to be in thought until the person had the audacity to think that he'd miss the pinch of your skin they hid🤨.

yo playtimes over, we don't like you. go away <3 *carries s/o like a sack of potatoes does a shooing motion*

or in another universe *carries obviously taller and larger s/o over his shoulder, sneering and pointing an accusatory finger at them*

⁀ ✦ ei / beelzebub

confused tm.

is to airheaded to even realize, and didn't know to begin with. she was in her euthymia, not minding the pure and still silence that seemed to flow within her personal space. but then she could feel a buzz that tingled in her spine. it was the raiden shogun.

when she immediately left the euthymia, she was greeted by the sight of her own clone. sitting in a mat and enjoying tea? with you? is the shogun even able to digest the tea? wouldn't she be a better option to invite?

you look over to her in suprise at the sudden intrusion as did the shogun but they did it with more ease, as if they were already aware. ei doesn't let you speak another word as she walks over gracefully with a haste you don't normally see.

unintentionally gets jealous and wonders why she's been uninvited to the unofficial tea party. how could you >:(

she frowns like a cute kitten, looking over the shogun with narrowed eyes before discreetly scooting over a little closer to you.

you got the real thing right here!

⁀ ✦ xiao

no.

he is not jealo-- eyes snap over to the person approaching you with unclear intentions. xiao absolutely is NOT jealous, he's just a lil... sus u know. it's his duty to protect not only liyue inhabitants but those that step into liyue itself. HES JUST DOING HIS JOB 🤬 stalks /hj this is for ur safety MORTAL.

actually has an inner crisis and his soul legit divides half logical, half rational when seeing you arguing with some person he'd decided as a nobody the moment they started getting up in your face and seemingly trying to convince you to.. something?

his rational side: it's obviously a private matter, I shouldn't interfere. an adepti cannot waste his time dwelling on such matters that don't require my immediate attention. but then there's also his: big or small, my duty is to protect the people of liyue from monsters.. or their own.

rex lapis forbid if someone knows of the thoughts that swirls around his confused angry mind. because goddamn it how would the fallen yaksha's think if they saw him right now?? surely they'd be disgusted by a mOrTaL. 👿

eventually ends up letting you handle it yourself as he believes you are capable enough to do so. don't look at him like that, he's not fond of mortals at ALL. 🤬 (except u ig.)

⁀ ✦ rosaria

hm. 🤨

well this is a rather tricky one. but I for one, can say that the outcome heavily depends on what the person was doing exactly and her mood. first of all, her mood. which is 86% guaranteed to be irritable, therefore leaving her to be brutally honest.

second, what the person was doing will influence her mood and actions. if they were merely pleading with you for a chance to talk. and was making you struggling to explain that you dont want to, her mood would of course be annoyed as she will step in and brutally destroy them with her honest, sharp words.

but, if they were downright harassing you. all she needs is to sharpen her words and aim it at the person with deadly precision. when they somehow had a chance to talk in between her, she would pick at their stammers. call them a 'creep who can't understand boundaries'.

"whatever you need with s/o, I suggest you drop it. unless you want to get confined by the knights?" she would threaten with a barely twitching face. a straight and mocking deadpan as she looks straight at them.

they quickly scurry off with a frightened yelp. probably spotting the pair of blades she casually twirled around with her fingers. she sends you a look. "don't let people like them get their way with you, but.. if you need to permanently dispose of them, call me."

⁀ ✦ kamisato ayato

from his face alone, despite no any outstanding shifts. anyone could think that he's particularly annoyed and glowering down the person. maybe it's his height?

well whatever. he in fact, could not care less. though he does find the thought of reducing this.. old freind to the point of a red faced, fuming lad very entertaining and so he pertains.

the way he slides into the conversation is painfully suspicious. but with his rather charmastic personality, any sort of thoughts would be erased to existence as he basically carries the flow of the conversation. like how he'd do when practicing the art of his vision.

"ah, don't be silly. there's enough s/o to go around. go on, I'll let you two catch up. I'll be back." he even encourages their behavior. you peer at him with confusion and a side eye of irritation because what the hell?? he's supposed to be on your side!! the person is unsuspecting, too deep in his web too realize that he's literally dragging it on to slap them with reality.

"unfortunately, s/o is mine. as a whole and as the greedy man I am, would hate to share them with anyone." ayato says a second later, without missing a beat and absolutely shattering warm mood the person displayed.

and then he's gone, casting you one last innocent smile before disappearing.

you couldn't focus on anything but him for the next moments. and it made the person terribly disappointed .. . better luck next time. 🤷‍♀️

⁀ ✦ kamisato ayaka

oh ayaka.. poor little nice ayaka, unlike her brother she's too kind, and pure to not let you talk with your uhm.. past lover. but ayaka being ayaka... she's most probably seen as intimidating (status wise) and hard to compare to from your ex.

all they could say is "I need to talk to s/o." and all she'd do is straighten her spine, pursue her lips and nod politely. not for a second, she'd think that the person would have any I'll intentions.

that is until you displayed a grimace. that's when a concerned look overtakes her face, she switches her vision to you and the unknown, stubborn stranger who seemed to have made it in their mind to talk with you.

"im.. afraid I cannot allow you to talk to them, I ask of you to leave. your presence is making them uncomfortable." she presses her lips together and maintains a cool facade.

with the people around, making a scene with kamisato ayaka, the shirasagi no himegimi out of all people is out of question. and left with no choice. they leave not without casting you a withering look, clearly meant to send a secret message, a threat.

she's honestly too pure hearted and kind to be jealous. brushing it off however in a realistic scenario, where you display uneasiness. she'd piece it all together and ask the person kindly to leave you be. they couldn't deny since she's surrounded by people that admire her. and for once, she's severely pleased with her position and power. like brother like sister right?

her wit will shine through, using her title to her advantage. hehehehhewhhwajka

⁀ ✦ albedo

albedo would rather use the rare feeling of jealousy to observe his strange behavior, though he's definitely not sure if it was worth it to subdue his curiosity to feel the loathe just from sights alone.

constantly testing his limits. ranging from seeing how would he feel if they showed a clear romantic attraction to his s/o, touching them freely, complimenting them.. and I tell you, he actually pulls through and continues to jot down.

don't look at him like that, he's built for knowledge for archons sake!!

the only way for him to step in is if the person actually had the AUDACITY to put their hands on you, scream on your face and leave marks on your wrists. a skeptical stare from albedo is all it takes for them to stiffen up and get defensive.

he kicks them out immediately after violently shutting down their defenses and humbling them I'm the process. that's albedo for you, maybe he'll even apologize for being a bystander only and admit that he was using the moment as an experiment of sorts..

whether or not you think his reasoning is okay is based on you. though it is admittedly concerning.. you'd expect nothing less, nothing more from albedo who will continue his thirst for new experiences.

⁀ ✦ ningguang

how bold... usually ningguang would find it as something she could ignore and carry on with. but there's something she doesn't like in their actions and words. so she does what she knows best. inspect and pick out the weaknesses, the vulnerabilities, a blind spot.

their actions in particular, are spiky, tense and full of anticipation. clearly holding back some sort of urge, completely prone to a violent outburst, through physical means or... words. their tone is a pitch higher, pausing to take sharp intakes of breaths, and far too sweet for someone you had left off in a bad ending.

she narrows her eyes, she doesn't like it very much when someone's targeting something--someone that she holds on high regard.

she's visibly looking more angry, her tone sharper when talking to them but making a sudden softness as she switches to you. but alas.. she needs to maintain a more.. professional figure, and holds back for her sake alone.

"if you're not here to talk about business, but rather annoying my s/o and myself. you serve as nothing but a nuisance." she speaks so calmly that it greatly contrasts her words.

faced with the might and power of the tianquan, they've no choice but to leave. and you're left with a more than pleased ningguang whose mood you note is significantly better.

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