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writer-monster · 3 years

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11 reasons why cap 4 should reintroduce Bucky Barnes as the love interest, an essay

to start this off, i am not writing this essay from a shipping place nor do i believe that this would have any influence at all over the upcoming movie. i expect nothing. this is simply something that i would personally like to see. (of course no hate to anybody who thinks differently)

here are 11 reasons why i think making Bucky into Sam Wilson's love interest in Cap 4 would be a good move for Disney.

1. on the Chinese film market - and why it's an irrelevant argument against the inclusion of homosexual themes in Cap 4

the Chinese film market is something that has been blamed for a lack of diversity in Hollywood films a lot lately. many people claim that this market with a lot of buying power has been responsible for the lack of gay and black representation in particular within Hollywood films.

and we have certainly seen Hollywood treating it as such, going so far as to cut gay scenes from movies for their Chinese releases, and vastly minimising John Boyega's (a black actor's) presence in the Chinese poster of Star Wars The Force Awakens.

[image ID: on the left is an image of the American poster for Star Wars The Force Awakens, featuring John Boyega prominently on the right-hand side. And on the right is the Chinese poster for the same movie, in which John Boyega is barely visible.]

so we know at the very least that Disney believes this through their own actions and efforts to self-censor for the different markets.

but Captain America 4 is a black-led movie, don't you forget. and Disney can't minimise Sam Wilson/Anthony Mackie in the movie or the poster because it's his movie and his poster. and no amount of creativity in the editing room can change that (thank God!).

so if by their own argument the film is already going to be either banned, panned or slammed in China... then what do they have to fear from making it a gay movie too?

2. oh, the queerbaiting

queerbaiting is an unusual cultural idea. and sometimes i find myself thinking that the term is far too easily used, but then all of a sudden i will stumble upon a movie or show that is so quintessentially cruel and overt in it's... well... queerbaiting that i will start to wonder what the hell kind of a bizarre relationship all these straight people seem to have with their friends. take Troy and Abed from Community or John and Sherlock from Sherlock as the perfect examples of this. (in which my reaction to the show's creators saying the show wasn't gay was to ask so then why did you make it so gay?!)

i felt that Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes in tfatws were getting quite close to this level of queerbaiting.

there was the field scene, the couple's counselling scene, the boat scene, the couple's counselling scene, Bucky going with Sam to face Karli when she told Sam to come alone, the couple's counselling scene, ALL the staring scenes, Sam checking out Bucky's ass here as they said goodbye, the "i would move in with him but" hidden scene, "Uncle Bucky" showing up at the cookout scene, the romantic walking off together into the sunset together ending scene, and the couple's counselling scene. did i forget anything? but i mean seriously, the couple's counselling scene!!! that thing they did with their legs and their crotches while staring deep into each other's eyes, would any straight guy willingly do that? do straight guys crotch-snuggle now?

[image ID: an image of Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes during the therapy scene with the quote, "Isn't anybody going to drag me into impromptu couple's therapy and slot my legs firmly between theirs before staring deeply into my eyes?"]

(yeah i stole this image from a buzzfeed article on the fan reactions to the couple's therapy scene. but given that they stole 80% of the content of that article from fandom tumblr, i think it's pretty even-steven.)

there's also the fact that people started talking about bisexual Bucky Barnes a lot after the tiger pictures line, and the lead writer Malcom Spellman responded to the talk of Bucky's bisexuality with "just keep watching". well we watched, Malcolm. but it's beginning to feel like you were just jerking us around.

3. the writing

seriously though, what else is Bucky Barnes doing right now in the MCU? his only remaining connection to anything going on right now is through Sam. there is literally nothing else established that's left for him to do that doesn't involve Sam. he moved to Louisiana to be closer to Sam (canonically), he hangs out with Sam's family (canonically), and Steve is presumably gone and is definitely not coming back for more adventures.

he has no villains or loose ends left. he has no other superheroes that he appears to be in contact with. he has no girlfriend or potential love interest, or even other friends or family. he is living in a tent that he has secretly set up in Sam's backyard and is mysteriously appearing from the bushes when it's time for dinner like a stray cat.

in my opinion there is no other meaningful and pre-established progression for Bucky's character that wouldn't just feel cheap.

plus, i don't think the general audience would be all that surprised if they kissed. i think a LOT of people picked up on all that tension. i think a lot of straight people picked up on all that tension too.

4. the chemistry between the actors & the chemistry between the characters

the original pitch for tfatws was essentially just this, it was the chemistry between Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie and their respective MCU characters of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson.

now obviously Anthony and Sebastian are simply friends, and i wouldn't mean to imply anything more. but they are also not their characters.

Sam and Bucky's scenes together before tfatws were both limited and short, and yet audiences still fell in love with the dynamic between the two characters.

in interviews, these two actors are constantly slipping into character and flirting with each other and frankly it's adorable. plus it's really entertaining. i'd love to see that dynamic, unfiltered, in a movie.

because believe it or not the flirting is actually even more open in their interviews than it was in tfatws. and i'm leaving some links as proof.

this here is known as the "married" compilation

and here's a "lucky dip" selection of interviews - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

and here's Anthony trying to get Seb to take his jacket off.

i'm just saying, why not let their chemistry shine? these two are so talented and so entertaining, especially when you put them in a room together. and can you imagine how absolutely hilarious and brilliant it would be to watch them navigate being a couple?

(and for those who bring up the "friends would be uncomfortable pretending to be dating" argument, i'm not here asking for a sex scene or anything. i don't think anyone would expect them to show any more intimacy (physical or emotional) while playing a couple than what they've already shown together in say... tfatws or in their own interviews. not that i actually expect anything regardless.)

5. if they were a man and a woman they would've gotten together in tfatws

i have no more to add here. just that... yeah, they would've.

6. and i'm not talking about the comics here, i'm talking about the MCU.

i understand fully that none of what i'm saying here falls in line with these characters from the comics. but the mcu itself doesn't fall much in line with the comics either, and these two characters especially are very different from their comics counterparts.

i'm not asking for these two to get together in the comics. tbh i don't think that it would work.

but the mcu Sam and Bucky are different and closer than their comics counterparts. they've got different histories, different backstories, and a very different dynamic. please rest assured that i am only talking about them in the mcu.

7. Bucky Barnes is believably bisexual. and Sam Wilson has never been proven to be straight in the mcu, nor has he had a love interest.

(now please continue to keep in mind that these points only stand for the mcu versions of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson, and not at all for their comics counterparts.)

Sam Wilson has never had a love interest, which is crazy because have you seen that man! he has had two blink and you'll miss it moments of verbal expression of attraction to women, both in TWS. and that's the extent of it, through his entire history in the mcu.

Bucky Barnes has had a number of surface-level female love interests, but none of them even came close to the level of connection and chemistry that Bucky shares with Sam.

and i'm sorry SarahBucky fans, but i just don't think there's very much to their relationship either. i love Sarah, i really do. but it's Sam who shares all the meaningful moments and history and chemistry with Bucky. and i don't see what making her into a love interest would do for Sarah's character either, what would that add to her story?

[Picture ID: Bucky at the cookout with Sam, Sarah, Cass and AJ. Bucky and Sam are looking at each other and smiling.]

and also there is the whole tiger pictures thing... again. which does strongly suggest that Bucky is bisexual whether this was intentional on behalf of the writers or not.

8. it's representation... AND it feels natural

marvel hasn't had a lot of queer representation that's been noticeably present in the MCU at the time of writing this.

there have been a lot of failures so far, from the bisexual erasure of Valkyrie in Thor Ragnarok to the wlw erasure in Black Panther.

there was queerbaiting almost identical to the bisexual Bucky baiting for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2. when asked if he had considered featuring a gay hero in gotg2, director James Gunn stated that "We might have already done that. I say, watch the movie." after the movie's release audiences were understandably confused about the lack of queer representation. To which the director followed up his comments with, "But we don't really know who's gay and who's not. It could be any of them."

there is also Loki, considered by most fans after the airing of his six episode series on Disney+ to be both a poor attempt at both genderfluid representation and bisexual representation. with both attempts being summed up fairly well by the term "blink-and-you'll-miss-it". (also it's just terribly written and Loki doesn't wear any interesting clothes! fanficcers are a Goddamn blessing in this hard time!)

and let us not forget that Andrew Garfield was apparently FIRED for pushing for a bisexual spiderman. a bisexual spiderman within an interracial mlm relationship no less.

so for all these failures, marvel, why not allow us queer fans this? two brilliant and heroic men in a loving interracial relationship. two heroes that we can look up to.

now, one of the biggest detractions from the argument for representation is the idea of "forced diversity". and some poorly written characters certainly do end up feeling forced into the narrative. take Iceman in the comics for example, with Jean Grey just straight up suddenly telling him he's gay. like, marvel, sweetie, that's not how this works! and i don't know a lot of queer people who thought much of that "representation".

but the crux of the "forced diversity" argument is almost always that it feels unnatural within the story, right? and i don't think that anyone could say that about MCU Sam and Bucky ending up together, given these characters' existing chemistry and their history. they've both played characters in gay relationships before so we know that it's not outside of either actor's wheelhouse. and y'all know that Anthony and Seb can act, people. if it's in the script i believe that they'll make it seem like the most natural thing on earth.

9. it'd be a nice change

there's been an ongoing meme lately about "Disney's first gay character", the joke being that they continually announce gay characters without really ever including gay characters in their films.

this is to the point where Disney has formed a reputation amongst queer audiences of being homophobic.

if Sam and Bucky were to become a couple, then Disney could have its first actual gay character within a gay relationship. AND have him be in the lead of his own movie, no less.

it's also worth keeping in mind that there's likely an overlap between the people who were outraged by a Sam Wilson Captain America, and the people who'd be outraged by a gay Captain America. and if they were already not seeing the film, then i don't think much is gonna change that.

queer audiences would definitely love it, and the media attention would be guaranteed to be huge. i mean, simply look at the amount of media attention mere rumours of a character's queerness gets you and multiply that by a canon confirmation of said rumours.

but i'm pretty sure that Disney already knows this.

10. and yet, in truth, it's not about the representation

in truth i've never felt that i had any trouble relating to characters of any sexual orientation, race, gender, sex, body type, etc. (although that is not to throw any shade at all on people who do wish to see themselves represented) but for me, i think it's more about the story than the packaging.

and yet, a love story is still just a story. straight or queer, monoethnic or interracial. when two characters have chemistry and history and have sacrificed for each other time and time again, and they also can't keep their hands or their eyes off each other, then i'm pretty sure that that's a love story.

straight or queer, monoethnic or interracial, it shouldn't be about these simple labels. it should be about how well written the relationship is. it should be about chemistry, and history, and sacrifice.

because i'm fucking sick of all the hollow, forced romances in media no matter the genders of the participants. i'm sick of lazily written, shallow relationships where any two people sharing the same space for any extended period of time will simply fall in love. it's boring, it's repetitive, and as a writer myself it drives me up the wall!

romance stories suck! and everyone knows that romance stories suck. between twilight, and most of the entire YA genre, and love triangles (so boring), and romance used as poorly-written throwaway subplots in Hollywood movies, the world is in agreement that the romance in western media is simply dreadful. and yet we still want love stories. it's an entire genre that sits at the heart of the human experience (<3), and yet one which so few of today's best known writers seem truly able to capture.

i don't think that i'm the only one who feels this way, either. i suspect it's actually a large part of why fandom is so romance-centred in the first place, that we're all just starving for a good love story.

(btw i think fandom has a reputation for being something that as a whole that it is not. it has this reputation for straight up demanding things and harassing people until they get their way. while unfortunately there are a few people who do this, they're fucking annoying and i swear that they're far from the majority.

in my experience fandom is mostly about writing a five thousand word story at three am while drunk off your ass because it might make someone whom you've never met smile, editing it in the cold light of day, and then posting it. expecting nothing. sometimes getting nothing. and sometimes getting someone send you kudos or a comment so heartbreakingly wonderful that it makes you smile in return.)

11. so once again, it is all about the writing.

i want to see Sam and Bucky get together in the mcu, not because they would be a gay couple but because i genuinely believe that their story has potential to be an amazing love story.

and i know the mcu isn't about the romance. it's why in my personal opinion we haven't gotten a lot of good canon romances besides Peter Quill and Gamora. and i don't think that the mcu should be all about the romance either. i fucking love the action and the fighting scenes. i love the comedy. Captain America: The Winter Soldier had no romance and it was a fucking treasure, it was an amazing spy-action-thriller and it made my little gay heart dance. Thor Ragnarok had no romance, and it was an utterly brilliant comedic spectacle action film. not every movie needs romance.

but mcu Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes were doing couple's therapy and fixing a boat and walking off into the sunset together in tfatws. they were inseparable on the battlefield. they've got a dynamic. it's beautiful, it's romantic, and it's gold.

a budding relationship between them in the next movie would be a good way to explore both characters more without the narrative feeling too stilted and separate. at the end of tfatws, both Sam and Bucky fans found that their respective fave felt somewhat underutilised and that their characters were underexplored.

now, that problem would be even more difficult to remedy in a movie, because the plotline of a movie needs to be really tight to work (giggity). and we know that the central conflict of the movie is gonna be action-based (which is good), but we still need each character's personal journey and growth to tie into the main conflict. (which is another issue that some fans found with tfatws, that these characters didn't really feel connected to the action-based plot on a more personal level.)

if Sam and Bucky are already in a relationship, however, this whole dynamic changes. first, their relationship has already been set up for nicely since TWS and through tfatws and they would officially be the best-fleshed-out couple in the mcu. but most importantly, a relationship gives them a perfect vehicle to explore both of their pasts comparatively and connect them personally to the action-based plot.

do you want to establish that Sam is a little too trusting and naïve? then establish this through his relationship with Bucky, and through showing his placing his trust in Bucky. (rather than through having him sympathise with a villain who threatened to murder his sister and his nephews).

perhaps you want to show Bucky recovering from his trauma? show us how comfortable he is with Sam. they get along, they're enjoying each other's presence, we see more of Sam's life and of his family, and then let Bucky tell Sam something that's raw and dark and honest about his life as The Winter Soldier. something about a memory, one that he only just recalled. he's opening up. and maybe what he tells Sam is even something that sets up the future action-based conflict, to ground that in something real.

you want to explore that Sam has trauma too? do this through Bucky. he tells Bucky a story about his time in the military. in the form of a flashback, he shares his own story of loss to evoke before the audience the shared theme of feeling at fault even when you're simply a helpless bystander to an act of pure destruction.

then, action sequence! and it's directly connected to Bucky's time as the Winter Soldier. explore the grief of someone whose life the Winter Soldier tore apart manifesting into a villain perpetuating the cycle of pain. establish your villain.

Later, Sam is dragged into battle against this villain for protecting Bucky. But Bucky doesn't want Sam to protect him. He feels guilt for what he can't control and he doesn't want Sam getting hurt because of him. Bucky reminds Sam that he has a family, one who needs him and who loves him. He tells him to go home.

Sam reminds Bucky that he's a part of that family. And that sure Sam's a hero and his job is to protect anyone and everyone, but that he's doing it because he wants to. It's not simply to prove that he can, or to prove that he's not a bystander (this connects to Sam's trauma here), but that he's doing it to help people.

and this gets Bucky thinking about who he is and what he's doing here. is he a hero who stands by Sam's side? or is he an ordinary man who stands aside? or perhaps, does he stand alone? what does he stand for? Maybe Sam knows. But does Bucky?

Sam and Bucky fight off the villain again, and for the first time Bucky meets this adversary face to face. And Bucky recognises this villain, and has a flashback to the genuine pain that he inflicted upon them in the form of the Winter Soldier. Bucky freezes mid-fight, he almost dies, and Sam has to save him.

Sam chews Bucky out for almost getting killed because he was afraid for him. but Bucky takes this the wrong way and goes off to fight the villain alone, or perhaps to die alone, he's not quite sure.

He puts up a half-hearted fight. He apologises for what the Winter Soldier has done, and he waits for the killing blow, when Sam swoops down and he saves him. He asks Sam why he saved him and Sam calls him a moron. And then, Sam asks him what sacrificing himself would solve. He tells him that you can't choose your past but you can choose your future (connecting to his own experience of loss and guilt and grief). And that no matter what Bucky Barnes still has a future, whether that's as the Winter Soldier or the White Wolf or just some dork with a day job. And that he has a future as a part of Sam's family too.

Sam fights the villain, and it's toe to toe. He delivers a few good blows, but receives a fair few himself. And then the villain tears off his wings, first one and then the other, in a manner reminiscent of what the Winter Soldier did to him in TWS. Through Bucky's eyes there's a flashback to highlight the parallels. Sam gets back on his feet and he fights his best fight, but is now losing.

And then the heavily injured Bucky steps up and fights by Sam's side, and only together do they take down the villain.

"So... I inspired you, huh?" Sam teases with a smile, utterly exhausted. "With my heroism and-"

"You inspired me." Bucky said, equally exhausted. "Let's leave it at that."

Together, Sam and Bucky go back to the safety and warmth of their family. Sam fixes his wings. Sam goes back to being Captain America. And Bucky... he's around, but it's unclear what he's doing.

That is, until the very end. When Sam is in a fight, and suddenly Bucky shows up and helps him out.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asks.

"I've made up my mind." Bucky says. "I'm the Winter Soldier. But now I'll save lives, Sam. Now, like you, I'll be a hero."

Sam smirks. "So does this make you my sidekick, then?"

Bucky smiles. "C'mon, at least make me a partner." He says.

"How about co-workers." Sam says (in flashback, he remembers back to the death of his last on-the-job partner).

"How about friends." Bucky says, with a wry look.

"Bucky... I don't want to see you put your dumbass self in danger." Sam says.

"Oh, and it's ok for you to go running off into danger on your own all the time?" Bucky asks.

"Yes." Sam says stubbornly. "Absolutely it is."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not a dumbass?!"

"Sam, if you think I'm not gonna be watching your back for the rest of time... then you're the biggest dumbass I know. And I don't care if you need me or not, I will be there for you."

"Because Sam, you're more than Captain America. You're more than a good soldier. You're a good man. And I think sometimes, the world forgets what the difference is."

...or something like that.

(i only spent like 15 minutes on that. you know if i were actually writing this movie i would come up with something much better. and if anyone from marvel is seeing this, yes i can come work for you. i will make the time, let's do this thing right!)

finale

at the end of the day, whether or not the mcu chooses to make Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes a couple, it's their decision. and they don't owe me anything.

i'm just some random person on the internet. who thinks that Captain America 4 should #givecaptainamericaaboyfriend

#givecaptainamericaaboyfriend #meta #analysis #captain america 4 #caatws #fatws #tfatws #captain america #cap 4 #sam wilson #bucky barnes #sambucky #marvel #mcu #mcu phase 4

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stellocchia · 3 years

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Okay, okay, Undertale AU now.

So... I’ve been playing Undertale again... as I do once a year since it came out. It’s tradition. So I was kind of thinking who from the Dsmp whould fit which role... and yeah...

(I also wanted to add that none of the characters who are in a romantic relationship in the game are in this au. As a matter of fact, no romance in general here!)

First of all, we gotta give the role of Frisk to Ranboo, not because he played Undertale, but because of that one time that he told the story of how he flirted with his opponents in volleyball (was it volleyball? Maybe another sport. It’s irrelevant!) and that’s simply a very Frisk thing to do...

Then first monster we encounter is Flowey and... I mean... that’s c!Dream right there. All the focus on “fun” and “power” and seeing life as a “game” and the bloodlust... yeah, no that’s definitely Dream right there.

Then Toriel comes in! Yay! Puffy is Toriel, no doubt. Both of them have a focus on protecting the children and they’re both really kind, but can get hella scary when angry...

Also Niki is Napstablook ... mostly because she basically did end up haunting/being haunted by the Secret City for a while... also pretty sure both like music and are pretty soft spoken

Then we get the skeleton brothers! Well, Sans first... and who would fit Sans better then Wilbur! Both of their characters struggled heavily with mental health related problems and they are both really strong but somehow also weak at the same time... (strongest boss in the game with 1 hp and all that) not to mention that they both have way too many simps...

Also that means Tommy is Papyrus. I do not make the rules here. Hyper younger brother who is endlessly optimistic and soft hearted? Yep! That’s him!

Which, may have you think that Tubbo is Undyne because, you know, best friends, but no. Undyne is, in fact, Philza Minecraft everybody. They don’t call him Angel of Death for nothing, so he definitely gets to be the captain of the royal guard in this one! He’s just a much more laid back but equally deadly Undyne.

Also Techno gets the role of the socially anxious nerdy scientist, because he’s been ibernating under a pile of dogs for a few months now and also because he once got peer pressured into murder much like Alphys did into building a murderous robot... so yeah.

Also, to complete the ghost family now: Jack Manifold gets the role of Mad Dummy, cousin of Napstablook, because they’re both short, bald and full of spite

And none other then Eret gets the role of Mettaton (other cousin of Napstablook) because they’re both absolutely fabulous and because they’d rock the Mettaton EX form...

Moving on,Schlatt is Asgore. He and Puffy are brother and sister. Why? Because they are both sheeps and it would fit... though admittedly Schlatt has had less moral qualms with killing children then Asgore so far, they do both have that in common as well

Which brings us to Tubbo inevitably being Asriel, because sheep guy, but also because, as a character, he has a history of being pushed around by power hungry people with more charisma then him, and also because Asriel in his God of Hyperdeath form has a f*cking rainbow laser cannon and I think that’s a very Tubbo thing to have...

Quackity is Chara. Both are pretty vengful and power-hungry characters who are not afraid of doing some seriously f*cked up shit to get to their goals, but also they both care about those close to them deeply and have a sort of tragedy to their character

Also Awesamdude gets to be Gaster, and no it’s not only because there is as much Awesamdad fan content as there was Dadster despite neither of them ever being confirmed as canon, but because both characters are brilliant inventors who got screwed over by their own creation...

For some other fun bonuses I could think about:

Sapnap as Monster Kid just because of the absurdly chaotic personality

BBH gets to be Muffet, for no particular reason aside from general vibe

Foolish as Burgerpants because they’re both underpaid and extremely stressed

Punz as Grillby because: money and intimidating aura

Purpled as Nice Cream Guy because: money

And this is pretty much all I could think about... I would include others but I’m kind of stomped at the moment...

So here’s some revisited quotes instead (under the cut):

Flowey!Dream: “Howdy! it’s me Dream. Dream the Dreamon!”

Toriel!Puffy: “Did you want to hear about the book I’m reading? It’s called “72 ways to crack an Egg”. How about it?”

Papyrus!Tommy: “Ah yes, Music Disks, a great reference for theoretical battle scenarios and parties! To which I get invited just constantly!”

Papyrus!Tommy: “W-well, that’s not what I expected... but st- still! I believe in you prick! You can definitely do better! Even if you don’t think so! I... promise....”

Sans!Wilbur: “On days like this, kids like you... should be suffering in Limbo!”

Sans!Wilbur: “Just... don’t say I didn’t warn you. Well. I’m going to Punz’s. Tommy, do you want anything?”

Undyne!Phil: “...Forget it. Look mate. Tommy didn't come to his meeting today. Say what you want about him. He's loud, he's bit selfish, he's obsessed with disks... But Tommy has NEVER missed a meeting. (...) But now he's gone. And his brother isn't around, either. ... What did you do to him? What did you DO TO HIM? Tommy, who I have trained every day... Even though I KNOW he's too soft to ever hurt anyone. Tommy who is... was just a child... ... Go ahead. Prepare however you want. But when you step forward... I will KILL you”

Alphys!Techno: “A long time ago, I made a robot named Eret. Originally I built them to be a farmer robot for my potatoes... didn’t turn out quite right there. Anyway, recently I decided to make them more useful. Heh, you know, just some practical adjustments.... and I might have been carried away a bit and added some, um... Anti-human combat features?”

Asgore!Schlatt: “I'd like to ask, 'would you like a protein shake?' But... you know how it is”

Asriel!Tubbo: “I always was a pushover, wasn’t I, Quackity? I know... you’re not actually Quackity are you? Quackity’s been gone for a long time. Um... what... what is your name? Ranboo? That’s... a weird name bossman...”

Chara!Quackity: “Hey man. I am Quackity. Thank you man. Your power brought me back from Limbo. My "human soul"... my "determination"... they were not mine, but YOURS. At first, I was so confused. Our plan had failed, hadn't it? Why was I brought back to life? ...You. With your “guidance” I realized the purpose of my reincarnation: POWER”

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darlington-v · 3 years

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A Sympathetic Character is Better than a Morally Just Character

part of this was drafted from a month or so ago but i’ve been thinking about it so i’m going to finish it now and post it on this blog instead of the og ranboocore blog haha!

i would really wish this fandom would understand though that,

a morally good, righteous, upstanding character =/= a GOOD character like yes. they are morally good. but that does not inherently make them the better written, more satisfying character. like i enjoy characters like dream, ranboo, technoblade, wilbur, quackity, and sam (my favorites especially are dream and ranboo) because they have depth. they are multifaceted and have internal conflict and clear character flaws.

sam is actually a good example of a character being righteous and that being a flaw. BECAUSE of his values, tommy died on his hands. because he adheres to laws, he has internal conflict as the world has shown him that maybe he was wrong. maybe it is not good to be so righteous.

i see a lot of posts like condemning characters for their actions and i get so utterly confused because thats the point. like yes. they did the bad thing. yes. you’re right that is bad. but like... can you analyze it? can you break down the character motivations, that characters reasoning behind it, is it relatable? is it sympathetic? is it compelling to you?

if it’s not why are you here. because these ARE sympathetic characters. they make mistakes and it is clear that the mistakes they made ARE INDEED MISTAKES. because that is human. and we can relate. “dreams not sympathetic, he’s evil” immmmm SORRY are you telling me that if you were repeatedly told that you were an awful person, that you were toxic, that you were the bad one EVEN THOUGH YOU WEREN’T, you wouldn’t get frustrated? you wouldn’t get upset and maybe act drastically? you wouldn’t lash out?

“i wouldn’t manipulate someone and blow up a country.” no shit! i wouldn’t either! but i would get angry! i would get mad and upset and i might say something mean or out of line or like make a mistake and start a fight. the beauty of writing is that we can exaggerate things to extremes. this raises the stakes and makes the actions so much more meaningful, but because we at our core can relate to similar actions and the line of logic, it makes it moving. it makes it sympathetic and relatable. like? no obviously, i don’t condone abuse or like manipulating someone. but i can understand and relate to the idea of “the ends justify the means.” which is the type of character dream is. in his head, the ends will justify the means.

so i need you to understand that a SYMPATHETIC character is better than JUST a MORALLY RIGHT character. ESPECIALLY in the dream smp. this is the narrative where EVERYONE is their OWN MAIN CHARACTER. and the main character NEEDS to be sympathetic. the villain doesn’t necessarily, though a sympathetic villain is always so much better than a flat, 2D villain, but the protagonist NEEDS to be sympathetic. and by sympathetic i mean like... can i follow their line of logic? can i understand this character? like maybe i personally wouldn’t do the things they’ve done, but can i understand why they’ve done what they have? am i rooting for this character because i can relate and sympathize with them?

this is SO important in writing. it GIVES characters depth. it makes them feel real, and not just like... a 2d caricature of something. thats part of WHY i love ranboos character and WHY he is very obviously a fan favorite. ranboo, hands down, undoubtedly, PUTS THE WORK IN. his character is deeply flawed and for that extremely relatable. ranboo makes SURE that there is subtext there for you to understand it. the way his character rationalizes things is such a good testament to him providing subtext, but it’s definitely not the ONLY way he provides subtext. he doesn’t TELL you that his character has anxiety (in lore i mean out of lore he’s said it plenty of times) BUT HE SHOWS THAT.

his character catastrophizes, his character is pessimistic at times, his character is worried pretty frequently, he displays signs of paranoia among like... so many other characteristics that are clear results of anxiety or just SHOW his anxiety. he doesn’t just SAY that flat out, but he shows it in the way he talks, the way he thinks, his actions. like YES. yes ranboo IS a hypocrite but you can understand WHY he is a hypocrite. it’s because, ironically enough, his character VALUES being morally correct. ranboos morals are important to himself and he CANNOT conceptualize being the morally wrong one. and that’s SHOWN in the way he rationalizes his acts of hypocrisy. he excuses himself because he doesn’t want to be the one thats wrong, and it’s clear that that is a character flaw of his.

it’s intended that you pick up that ranboo is wrong, but he is excusing himself and trying to rationalize that he’s not the wrong one because thats one of his character motivations. whenever ranboo monologues and its him rationalizing, it is clearly him CONVINCING himself that he hasn’t done anything bad. he KNOWS he has done the wrong thing, but he DOESN’T WANT TO ADMIT IT.

his character HAS depth. his character feels REAL.

there are plenty of characters you can break down in this way, and i know people are aware of it because i’ve seen posts about how tubbo provides subtext through largely his actions rather than monologuing (which is a pretty good way to get across inner thought in this medium). i think that ranboo’s character is amongst the ones display depth the best because he very clearly does dedicate himself to his character and his narrative. he provides subtext and small mannerisms and goes through a monologue fairly realistically i feel where he’s working himself through a situation.

there’s also sam, who i’m VERY excited for more lore from, because he’s had a fall from grace. this is such an extraordinarily human thing that i think so many people can relate to and i think it makes him such a driving character. like no, i’m not gonna torture someone, but because i can and have fallen from grace before, i’m inherently intrigued by his story. how did he get here? and what was he thinking and where did the lines begin to break down for him? also he’s just kinda ahhah hah hah whus poppin babeyyyyyy but thats irrelevant

other characters i can think of off the top of my head are quackity, technoblade, wilbur, and tubbo but im sure there are other streamers im missing simply because i don’t watch them enough? i feel like niki’s character probably has depth it’s just that i don’t follow her character arc enough, so i wouldn’t actually know.

either way though, these characters all have depth because they’ve dealt with their issues in interesting, pressing, and ultimately human ways to their barest degrees because like i said the beauty of writing is that we can exaggerate these feelings to their extremes, but... ultimately we still experience these feelings.

like no i wouldnt do any of the shit these characters have done, but i can follow their line of reasoning and i can relate deeply to all of these issues.

and i think that’s what we really should be discussing rather than morality on the matter of like “good character” or “bad character” because i see that happen so frequently. like, in enjoying a character you’re not justifying their actions and if someone assumes that then... they should really go back to english class. that’s not how human nature works, and it’s not how literature works.

a good character is someone i can relate to and understand. including a villain.

TLDR; a sympathetic character is far more enjoyable and better than a morally just character. sympathetic characters are undeniably good characters because they are inherently characters you root for or simply just enjoy more. morally just characters, while they can be sympathetic, aren’t inherently good because being morally just isn’t inherently relatable. a good character is one that has depth.

#dsmp analysis #dream smp analysis #dsmp meta #dream smp meta #dsmp #dream smp #ranboo #dream #awesamdude #mcyt #long post #lmfao this is STUPID long #my analysis

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mochiusagifanficchaos · 3 years

Text

Sherlock x Mute!Reader •Part 5•

It's been three weeks now since the incident with the shooter at the London Eye, you just got out of the hospital and your boss finally allowed you to work at the cafe again, after hours of begging and doing puppy eyes.

Sherlock and Watson kept visiting you at the hospital and while your shift at the cafe and Watson updated you about the case as good as he could since the shooter turned out to be one of the Clown guys.

Lestrade had questioned him and found traces from the blacklight color on his hands, the color you and Sherlock prepared the register with before it got robbed.

But you didn't know much more about the case because Sherlock kept close about it, Watson told you that he would always do that but it still annoyed you.

And since you took the case very personally you decided to threaten Sherlock until he told you everything he knew.

He sat on his usual table again, reading the newspapers and Watson sitting in front of him, studying the menu, but you already knew that he would order, just the same as every time.

You took his order with a smile and turned around again without even looking at Sherlock, showing him the cold shoulder, which irritated Watson but he didn't say anything.

With a sweet smile on your lips, you placed a plate with spaghetti in front of Watson a few minutes later, without Sherlock's usual unordered tea in your hand.

Watson looked at you startled because of your behavior towards Sherlock, but the detective himself seemed to stay unimpressed about it, which made you even more annoyed.

After a few days of totally ignoring Sherlock and getting no reaction at all from him, you decided to use a different method.

You didn't know how and if Sherlock would react to it at all but it was worth a try.

The next morning you came to the cafe in a short skirt and a white, slightly see-through blouse.

You wore, not so high, high heels and your hair was tied into a ponytail.

The rest was just the usual routine, ignoring Sherlock and being extra nice to Watson and other customers.

At first, you got disappointed again because he still didn't seem to react to your play at all but then you actually got a glimpse of him staring at you when he thought you weren't looking.

You cheered at yourself inside 'Never underestimate the weapons of a woman!'

What you didn't notice this day were all the eyes on you from the other customers, some basically undressing you with their staring.

------------time skip to after work-----------

The cold air crawled under your thin jacket as you locked the door from the cafe.

It got pretty late this time since you needed to wash away so many dishes because the winding machine wasn't working at the moment.

Shivering you led the key slide into your pocket and crossed your arms, hugging yourself to keep your body warm while you walked down the street.

Suddenly you heard footsteps behind you, they sounded heavy and came closer.

Scared you took a random street and walked faster, but you could still hear them.

You took another and another random street until you ended up on a dead-end road.

Afraid you slowly turned around.

A tall man in a long coat walked straight towards you with fast steps. He got closer and closer and with every step he did, you stepped one back.

Until you hit the wall with your back.

"Why are you ignoring me?", the man suddenly asked and you immediately recognized his voice.

You could see his face now, he looked down at you with an empty expression but you could swear that there was a glim of sadness in his eyes.

"You shouldn't be walking around like this. It's dangerous in the night and at the café, everyone was staring at you.", Sherlock said as he took off his coat and laid it around your shoulders, closing the buttons.

You blushed deeply and your feelings were driving a roller coaster of being angry at him, loving him, being annoyed of him, and thinking of him as the sweetest man you ever met.

"So why are you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong or do you just want my attention?"

Secretly it was also because you wanted the attention but you would never admit that.

Now at this moment, you wished that you had learned sign language.

Back then you thought that no one would understand it anyway so why learn it but now it could have really helped you to talk to Sherlock.

With an annoyed expression, you pointed at him and then at yourself, forming the word 'case' with your mouth.

Then you pointed at Sherlock again, did a hand motion as if you would close your mouth like a zipper, and laid your hands over your ears, looking around like you wouldn't hear anything.

"Because I didn't tell you about my researches about the case?", Sherlock asked to know if he got that right and you nodded, still angry.

He sighed: "So that's all? That's why I didn't get my beloved tea from you anymore for a week?"

Huffing you crossed your arms in front of your chest.

But he couldn't hide a smile, you looked just too adorable in his coat which completely covered your frame.

Sherlock was silent for a moment, thinking about something before he answered softly: "I'm sorry (y/n)."

You were surprised by the tone of his voice since you have never heard him talk to anyone like this before.

"Let's go home and I'll tell you everything I know. But only if you make me tea."

You huffed amused and nodded as a response.

Sherlock had his arm around your shoulders the entire time as he walked you home to his apartment.

Watson wasn't there, he was with Marry, so you could sit on his chair, holding a hot cup of tea and wearing a pajama from Sherlock, enjoying the warmth of the fire in the fireplace as Sherlock told you about his researches.

It was one of the best evenings you ever had, you felt protected and just happy.

"I missed your tea.", Sherlock suddenly said as he noticed you drifting off to sleep.

You smiled at him before your tired eyelids closed again.

You felt how he lifted you up from the chair, bringing you to his bed.

He laid you down and covered you with the blanket, whispering a goodnight before you fell asleep.

You woke up in the middle of the night, panting and shivering.

It was this nightmare again, the nightmare about the clown guys.

They hunted you in your dreams and this time they even shoot at you.

Warm tears ran down your cheeks as you hugged your knees to your chest and buried your face in your hands, whimpering silently.

You looked around to calm yourself down and remembered that you were in Sherlock's bedroom.

Carefully you felt as if someone was laying beside you but the bed was empty.

Of course. Sherlock wouldn't sleep next to you.

But you so much wished he would. Especially now you craved a hug from him or just a touch to make you feel better.

Silently you stood up and walked on your tiptoes into the living room to see if Sherlock was there.

And he was, sitting on his armchair and staring into the fire.

He looked up as you slowly walked over to him.

"Nightmare?", he asked and looked at you concerned, probably having noticed your wet cheeks.

You just nodded and looked down, your fingers playing with the hem of the too big pajama shirt from Sherlock which you were wearing.

"Come here.", he said and gestured you to sit on his lap.

Hesitantly you walked over to him and sat down on his legs.

With a quick movement, he lifted your legs up and placed them on the armrest so that you were sitting bridal style on top of him.

You rested your head on his chest as you tried to cover the dark red blush on your face.

Did this really just happen?

His heartbeat, the way he stroked with his hand over your back and the warmth of the fire calmed you down and it didn't take you long to drift off into sleep again.

Watson walked in very early and found you and Sherlock, well, cuddling. You were still sitting on his lap, sleeping calmly and Sherlock's head rested on yours, his arms protectively around you.

Watson couldn't believe the sight and quickly took a picture of you two before sneaking down the stairs again to get Mrs. Hudson.

She needed to see this.

Mrs. Hudson giggled like a schoolgirl as she saw you both and Sherlock flinched, waking up from his nap.

"Have I missed something important?", Watson mockingly asked as Sherlock lifted his head and looked tardily at the two chuckling persons in front of him.

Fun fact: I keep forgetting that the reader is mute and let her talk in nearly every chapter until I notice it and then I have to somehow put the words into actions or else. 😂

This chapter is pretty story irrelevant but I thought some fluff between all this action and danger would be good :')

My Wattpad: @/lilakudo

Tag list ❤️ @misselsbells06 @fictionalhoomanofnowhere

#fanfiction #x reader #reader insert #bbc sherlock #sherlock #sherlock fandom #sherlock fanfic #sherlock x reader #sherlock x y/n #sherlockxmutereader

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sapphirelass · 3 years

Text

Two Peas in a Pod - Harry PotterxSister!Reader

Please note:

1: I don’t own any of the gifs used, nor any already established characters, so credit to the authors and original creators - You have done a phenomenal job :)

2: English is not my native language, as I was born and raised in Sweden. I have, however, studied English for almost a decade, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem, I just thought I’d let you know ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For this one-shot I have taken inspiration from both the book and the film, as well as left out parts of the original dialogue that, for the purpose of this story, felt irrelevant.

Word count: ≈ 2400

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You probably already knew this, but still XD

(Y/N) - Your name

(Y/N/N) - Your nickname

(Y/H/C) - Your hair colour

(Y/H/L) - Your hair length

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Peas in a Pod

Harry Potter and his twin sister (Y/N) were like two peas in a pod. Always had been. Supposedly, that was what happened when young magicians had to grow up with muggles, especially if those muggles were named “Dursley”. Harry was always more impulsive, whereas (Y/N) took on the role of the rational one, yet they had both been placed in Gryffindor house by the sorting hat four years prior.

It was now the first of September 1995, and last year had been a rough one. Lord Voldemort, the dark wizard who had killed Harry and (Y/N)’s parents, had just come back and despite their efforts, this holiday had been more miserable than any of the previous ones. Dudley and his friends, dementor attacks, and a general lack of communication with the wizarding world left the twins in a particularly bad mood. They arrived at Kings Cross, and after pulling Harry away from Draco Malfoy, (Y/N), her brother, Ron and Hermione boarded the Hogwarts express, and found a place to sit.

During the start-of-the-year feast, the small group of friends quickly realized that something was wrong. Their new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor - Dolores Umbridge - was a ministry employe, which was weird on its own, but the way she spoke, acted, and kept interrupting Dumbledore with shrill, irritating *hum hum*’s made them all feel queasy.

After a quiet discussion in the common room (and quite a bit of loud arguing between Harry and Seamus Finnigan), they went to bed, yawning, and not exactly looking forward to that year’s first period of DADA.

***

They entered the classroom, and to their surprise, Umbridge actually wasn’t there yet. Harry and (Y/N) shared a confused look, but went to sit down, Harry with Ron, and (Y/N) with Hermione. Eventually though, the professor did arrive, her unnaturally high-pitched voice bringing them all back to reality.

“Good morning, class!” she said cheerfully

There was a quiet murmur among the students, and Umbridge shook her head.

“Good Morning!” she said again, this time more sternly. “I expect you to answer me when spoken to.”

A slightly louder “Good morning professor” could be heard, and though Umbridge didn’t seem too pleased, she decided to move on with the lesson.

“Ordinary Wizarding Levels - OWLs” she started. “Your previous teachers in this subject have all been quite questionable choices, however this year things will be the way they were meant to. Open your books on page 4.”

A few minutes had passed before Hermione raised her hand and said “Professor, there is nothing in here about using defensive spells.”

“Using spells?” Umbridge asked, laughing nastily

“We’re not to use magic?” Ron asked

“You will be learning defensive magic in a safe, risk-free environment”

“But”, said Harry, rather angrily, “what good would that do? If we were attacked that wouldn’t be risk-free!”

“Ha!”, laughed Umbridge, “And who exactly do you think would want to attack a helpless child such as yourself? Besides, the education you will receive will be more than enough for you to pass your OWLs, and that is after all just what school is about.” She finished with a smirk, looking rather satisfied with her speech.

(Y/N), who had sat quietly this whole time shifted slightly in her chair, and exclaimed: “It’s not though!

“Sorry?” Umbridge asked, dumbfounded

“School isn’t solely about receiving good grades! It’s about preparing the students for life, and supplying them with the tools and knowledge necessary in order to succeed and improve. If we’re not going to do that, then why, may I ask, is this a mandatory course? It’s already starting to seem rather pointless to me.”

Harry was perplexed. How his sister always managed to, 1: use her words in such a remarkable way, and 2: remain calm through the most infuriating of situations was a mystery to him, however he turned his gaze back towards Umbridge, waiting for her reply.

“Nonsense” She said. “This course is compulsory, and rightfully so!”

“How though?” Inquired (Y/N), pushing it further than she probably should have. “Can you name any situation, apart from the exam, where your teachings will be of any help to us? Or didn’t the ministry consider that?”

That was the top of the iceberg.

“DETENTION!!” shouted Umbridge. “My office, 8:30 would you be so kind, Ms Potter.”

(Y/N) flinched. She wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, however detention was not something she had to endure very often. That was more Harry’s thing. She sank quietly back onto her chair, and Umbridge continued with her boring, unnecessary lesson, reciting facts and procedures they had all learnt about 4 years earlier. (Y/N) could feel her brother staring, practically burning a hole in her neck, but somehow, probably thanks to Ron, he kept quiet for the rest of the class.

An hour later, class ended and none of the Gryffindor students wasted any time getting out of Umbridge’s classroom. (Y/N) threw her stuff into her brown, leather bag and dashed out of the room without making eye contact with her brother or friends.

“(Y/N/N)!” Harry shouted. “Wait up!”

He caught up with his sister on the stairs leading down to McGonagall’s classroom.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Looking up at him with an annoyed stare she said “Yes Harry! Just brilliant!” with a sarcastic tone in her voice. She kept on walking, but Harry grabbed her shoulder. A few years ago, they had been roughly the same size, but Harry had grown A LOT, and was by now almost seven inches taller. All the quidditch training had apparently paid off too, and (Y/N) knew instantly that she would never be able to escape his firm, yet gentle grip. He glanced down on her with a worried look on his face.

“I’m serious!” he said. “Stop”

She turned around and faced him. “What?” She spat at him, suddenly noticing her icy voice.

“Sorry…” (Y/N) mumbled, “she just pissed me off. I’m fine.” Her facial expression softened and she met Harry’s eyes for the first time since class ended. He let go of her shoulders, and was just about to say something when a tall ginger came running at full speed and gave (Y/N) a supportive pat on the back.

“That was bloody brilliant!” Ron exclaimed. “(Y/N), did you see the look on her face? Bloody hell, she was angrier than Malfoy after Harry beat him in his first quidditch match!”

“Yes” stated (Y/N) simply, as Hermione made her way down the stairs, “I saw…”

“Oh cheer up!” stated Ron, “an hour or two of detention isn’t the end of the world. If you ask me, it was totally worth it!”

Hermione gave him a disapproving stare as (Y/N) sadly stated, “It might not have been the cleverest thing to do” Both Harry and Hermione blinked at her with a sort of “you-don’t-say?” kind of look as she kept on speaking. “But you must admit that it’s the truth? Defence against the dark arts has never been as important as it is right now. We are all going to die before the end of the year unless we learn and improve?!”

“You’re right.” Hermione muttered, and surprisingly, she smiled slightly. “But we’ll have to talk about that later, otherwise we’ll be late for transfiguration. Come on!”

***

The rest of the day went by rather quickly, and the quartet soon found themselves in front of the fireplace in the common room. It was about 8:20 when (Y/N) stood up, grabbed a jacket, and left for Umbridge’s office.

“Good luck!” Harry said, frowning deeply, “I’ll wait for you here.”

(Y/N) turned around quickly, “Haz, you don’t have to. I’ll be fine. You need your sleep and I have no idea how long this is going to take.”

Harry gave her a sort or irritated look, to which she sighed and left without a word.

“What do you think she’ll have her do?” Hermione questioned.

“I don’t know” Harry hissed, “but I’m sure she’ll tell me when she gets back...”

The remaining three looked at each other. Ron threw Harry a chocolate frog, and then - they waited…

***

*knock knock*

There was a slight clinking noise, like metal on china, followed by a repulsing “come in”. (Y/N) took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

“Ah!” chirped Umbridge, “Potter, sit down, will you?”

(Y/N) apprehensively made her way across the room to the chair her so-called “professor” had pointed at. She sat down and looked around nervously.

“You will be writing some sentences for me today, no” Umbridge said, as (Y/N) reached down to her bag to pick up something to write with. “no, not with your own quill. You’ll be using a rather special one of mine.” She smiled evilly, and pushed a black, pointy feather across the table.

(Y/N) grabbed it carefully and asked in a silent, trembling voice, “what should I write?”

“Oh, right! How about… ‘I must obey my superiors’?”

***

It was about three hours later, when (Y/N) slowly made her way back to the common room, red, hot blood dripping from her left hand leaving a small trail through the corridor. The pain had intensified, and was by this point almost unbearable. She took a quick detour to the girls’ bathroom, hoping to be able to clean herself up a bit before having to face her friends and brother. She had told him to go to sleep, after all, it was almost midnight by now, but she knew him all too well. The odds of him being in bed were absolutely zero.

She watched the thick, red liquid disappear down the sink and let a few tears fall, before grabbing some paper making sure no tears or blood could be seen. She had to make it through the common room up to the dormitories quickly though, since she was sure Harry would be able to tell she’d been crying, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. Sure, she could just tell him, but something inside her argued against that. He had been rather angry and distressed all summer, and she knew he wasn’t feeling much better now. Harry had enough to deal with without handling her problems too.

Entering the common room, roughly four seconds had passed before her brother was by her side.

“Hey,” he said gently, “everything okay?”

She nodded and mumbled a quiet. “Yes. ‘m tired though, night Harry”

She walked the stairs up to her dorm, leaving Harry behind. He simply stood there dumbfounded. What had just happened? “Oh… okay, night (Y/N/N)”

She didn’t answer…

***

The following morning, he found her at the breakfast table, slowly digesting a tiny portion of porridge. She was wearing one of his old quidditch jumpers underneath her cloak. He knew, because it was far too big for her, and the sleeves reached down to her fingertips.

“Hey,” he said, ruffling her (Y/H/L), (Y/H/C) hair, “Feeling better?”

“Sure, “ she murmured, slowly pulling the sleeves even further down. He gave her a supportive hug.

“But come on now, “ he urged her. “You can’t be sad forever. What did she have you do?”

“Nothing…”

“(Y/N/N)!”

“Just write some sentences. It was fine, rather dull to be honest with you.” She threw the spoon into the bowl, and pushed it away. “How are you feeling? Any bad dreams?”

“Always…” he muttered, shaking his head at the milk that had splashed out on the table, “could have been worse though.”

Harry made himself some toast, as Ron and Hermione joined them in the great hall.

***

A week or so later Harry had had enough. It was in defence against the dark arts, on a rather cold Tuesday afternoon that he finally snapped, and shouted at professor Umbridge, who seemed almost too happy for a reason to give him detention.

The gang sat, yet again, around the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room, when Harry suddenly left and climbed through the portrait hole. He came back a few hours later, a downright furious look on his face, and walked straight up to his sister without even noticing the ghost he had stumbled through. He looked down at her smaller frame, his quidditch jumper yet again pulled over her head.

“Let me see, ” he said through gritted teeth, causing (Y/N) to look up at him, trying her best to act confused.

“Wha…”

“(Y/N) - let. me. see.” he repeated firmly, his emerald eyes penetrating the mental wall behind which she had been trying so hard to hide her troubles.

She closed her eyes and pulled her sleeve up to her elbow. The blood had naturally dried, however five heart wrenching words were etched into her still red, irritated skin.

I must obey my superiors

No one said a thing. (Y/N) was staring at the floor, not daring to meet her brother’s eyes, all while Harry felt madder than he ever had before.

Madder than when Dudley had been pushing him around the school yard.

Madder than when Malfoy had taunted him because of the dementors.

Madder than when he had found out that his aunt and uncle had lied about their parents true fate for almost 10 years.

This was his sister, and it was far from okay.

Without thinking, Harry was just about to shout at her for keeping something like that from him, when he noticed that she was crying. Soft, quiet sobs that she were clearly trying to hide. It felt as if all his anger simply washed away, and he crouched down and took her hand in his.

Harry’s hand was still covered in blood. He hadn’t had time to clean it, but had instead taken the shortest way to the common room, after realizing what had happened. Raising his right hand, he pulled her closer and felt her lean her head on his chest. They sat like that, arms wrapped around each other, for hours and slowly started drifting off to sleep.

Were they okay? Not at all. Would they be? Absolutely! Because they had each other, and when it really came down to it, that was all they needed, as the Potter twins were just like two peas in a pod.

~ L

Masterlist

#harry potter #harryxsister #harry potter x twin #harry potter x sister #harry potter x sister!reader #harry x reader #harry x sister!reader #umbridge #detention #hp #hp imagine #stories #sister #siblings #twins #harry x sister

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mittensmorgul · 3 years

Text

As Above, So Below

I’m still trying to pinpoint exactly why the focus on “heaven is fixed and actually a paradise now!” is just so deeply unsatisfying to me. And I think I need to preface this with a bit of backstory about me, because I think that gives the rest of this essay some relevant context.

I know this isn’t relevant to my main point here, but this is a metatextual and thematically identical example of the exact thing I’m gonna lay out, because context is always helpful. So please forgive this seemingly irrelevant detour, because I promise it will be relevant by the end.

(plus, would it really be an Essay By Mittens™ without at least one baffling tangent? no, it would not!)

Tangent time!

I think everyone that follows me knows how skeptical I was... or should I say how WARY I was of the way Eileen was returned to the narrative this season. We were warned in the PREVIOUS EPISODE how much Chuck was attempting to interfere in their lives. I was accused of some very nasty things, of hating the ship, or hating the character of Eileen, or of hating Sam and not wanting them to be happy. No amount of pointing at obvious warning signs in the text, no amount of yelling about Sam’s God Wound or the absolute klaxon warning that the wound had become “quiet” and his Chuck-O-Vision Nightmares had apparently stopped seemed to matter. I was declared “wrong” and told to shut up.

And then 15.09 happened, and basically everything I’d been wary of was shown to be what actually happened, but there were still unresolved issues. Eileen doubted her own feelings and walked away. She doubted what was actually real. And at the time, I said many times that I would be thrilled to see those issues resolved by the end of the season, and for her to truly know that what she’d felt growing between her and Sam was real. And by the end of the season, despite my personal horror at her previous situation (and having that personal horror compounded by the fandom literally gaslighting me and attempting to bully me into ignoring this basic actual plot detail of this specific growth process which... in the context of what my personal objection was to accepting her return at face value in the first place having been personal trauma associated with gaslighting and manipulation...) by the time 15.18 aired, I was 100% convinced that Sam and Eileen had fully chosen each other, and felt the traumatic pain Sam suffered during that text conversation with her during the snap. She NEEDED to come back, because she had been set up to be part of Sam’s Win. They were clearly each other’s future.

The show literally put in all the work to make even *me* feel this to be True and Right and Good. And then after that point we never even hear Eileen’s name again. We never were told that she was even returned at the end of 15.19. Sam, who had been so entirely devastated by her disappearance in the previous episode that he couldn’t even process it was apparently hit with an amnesia hammer and just... never even thought about her again through a long greyscale life with a blurry baby Dean factory vaguely in the background of a single scene of his life. I can’t credit or justify how after an entire year invested in making us all truly care about Sam and Eileen and the happiness they found in each other if only the cosmos would allow them to choose each other in the end would just... erase all of that in the series finale.

Which brings me to the second tangent, which is specifically about *me,* and how I feel about the cosmic order in the television show Supernatural. Because I feel a lot about it. Probably more than most people ever did. And this is also important to understanding the main underlying point I need to make here.

Something I’ve been most looking forward to, for YEARS, about Supernatural eventually ending someday was writing a book, or a thesis, or even just organizing and compiling all my observations into a cohesive narrative specifically about the cosmology of the Supernatural universe. I’ve been cobbling together my observations and realizations about the nature of heaven, hell, purgatory, the empty, the alternate universes we’ve seen, and yes, even the cosmic function of the mundane level of the story as told by events that transpired on Earth. So of everyone watching this dumb show for the last 15 years, I don’t actually know anyone who cared more that I did about finding a satisfactory resolution and transformation of every plane of existence-- the mortal world AND the “afterlife realms” we’ve experienced on this show. And in the wake of the finale, I feel cheated out of that. Because in the end, it wasn’t about the triumph of free will and a flip of the script, it was just more of the same.

And now that I have those two preliminaries out of the way, I’ll finally get to the point. :’D

(hooray, it didn’t even take 1k words to get there for once!)

The “main stage” of Supernatural has always been Earth. It’s always been “Humanity.” At the very start, we meet two men whose lives had always been dictated to them by higher powers. At first, that “higher power” was their father who raised them in his vengeance mission, who trained them to hunt the supernatural. It was the inciting incident of the entire series, after all, their realization that forces outside of their control had irrevocably altered the course of their lives. It had forever torn down what they’d trusted in family, in personal safety, and would become something they couldn’t outrun or fight back against for long before another wave of cosmic discord would settle over them once more.

We watched this story play out in ever increasing spheres of cosmic significance, until Gabriel laid it out on the table for them in the simplest possible terms (in 5.08).

GABRIEL: You do not know my family. What you guys call the apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner. That's why there's no stopping this, because this isn't about a war. It's about two brothers that loved each other and betrayed each other. You'd think you'd be able to relate. SAM: What are you talking about? GABRIEL: You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other. DEAN: What the hell are you saying? GABRIEL: Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always. A long pause. SAM and DEAN look down, then at each other. DEAN: No. That's not gonna happen. GABRIEL: I'm sorry. But it is. GABRIEL sighs. GABRIEL: Guys. I wish this were a TV show. Easy answers, endings wrapped up in a bow...but this is real, and it's gonna end bloody for all of us. That's just how it's gotta be. ***

And isn’t that all even 1000x more painfully ironic that it all still happened even 10 years later? It was always going to end with them. And lol, “I wish this were a TV show” because if it was then it wouldn’t have to end bloody.

But this… was a Major Acknowledgement that the meta level of this story was consistent, and was telling us something important. It demonstrated that the Cosmic Structure Itself was the cause for Sam and Dean’s “destiny” in this story. But that’s not what the point of this story has ever been.

Nobody (including me, who is literally obsessed with this aspect of the story) has ever invested themselves in the narrative of Supernatural because they cared about the fate of the cosmic order over and above the fate of the characters who had committed to overthrowing it all, to “tearing up the pages” and writing their own destinies. I mean, we became invested because Sam, Dean, and Cas as characters took us by the hand and invited us to come along with them as they battled against fate for the good of EARTH and HUMANITY.

And certainly, Heaven being a horrific sort of eternal replay of the “highlights” of individual souls greatest hits, where free will didn’t apply as everyone was just boxed away into their individual holodecks to serve as some sort of giant Heaven Battery powering the furtherance of this narrative, this “cosmic order” that had become so powerful it dictated the events and manipulated the lives of people who still existed in the ostensible realm of free will and human life on Earth… that couldn’t stand in the end. But what the narrative (and people I’ve seen attempting to justify the finale as narratively sensible) seems to have forgotten was that all of that was Chuck’s construct to begin with. That without Chuck holding his kingdom in Heaven together, the walls of all those soul cubicles ceased to even be relevant.

After spending their entire lives to this point constantly fighting their way to the absolute pinnacle of the As Above, So Below narrative and pulling the plug on the original creator himself, Humanity should’ve triumphed. And I’d argue that it DID, through Jack restoring the missing essential “humanity” to the divine condition. And, silly me, I thought they’d achieved the promise of “paradise” heralded by Jack’s birth at last, and truly “flipped the entire script of the narrative.”

Ever since they thwarted the original apocalypse, I had hope that they would continue to achieve the same result right up the ladder. Metatron trying to fill the role of Chuck Junior hit his own narrative wall in TFW, while Dean’s battle with the Mark of Cain, and Cain telling him he was “living my life in reverse” and would succumb to destiny by killing his loved ones in the “reverse order” to Cain’s own path to downfall cemented this for me. Dean not only failed to kill any of his loved ones (you didn’t kill your own brother. why?), he SAVED them. He didn’t fulfil the prophecy in reverse, he subverted it. He UNMADE it.

Perhaps I was thinking on too grand a scale, that the ultimate inversion wouldn’t be “God is overthrown and replaced by more of the same,” but “God is overthrown and the entire order of the universe is restructured from the bottom up rather than the top down.

I’d hoped against hope that the conclusion of the narrative would be “As below, so above,” with the fundamental power of human love becoming the new foundation of the cosmic order. It never even occurred to me that “taking back the narrative to rewrite it for ourselves” was not the ultimate goal of Team Free Will, or the ultimate expression of their biggest win.

This whole “well heaven really needed to be rebuilt, there was still work to be done!” seems… irrelevant to me if they’d truly won free of the cosmic narrative. The entire structure of the universe-- including Heaven and Hell-- should’ve defaulted to the paradise state that Jack was literally born to bring to fruition. Wasn’t that the point of his entire role in the story, ultimately?

And if that wasn’t the case in the end, why did we never learn the fate of Hell? Was it just… irrelevant and unchanged after this? Or just… abandoned as a concept entirely? It’s just strange to me to put such a focus on heaven being the sole sphere of import in the end that it undercuts the essential humanity of the narrative for me.

The story itself had kept Heaven on a back burner for years, only occasionally mentioning that the structure of the place was falling further and further into disrepair with a dwindling force of angels struggling to keep the walls in place at all, that it seems like it could’ve been an afterthought at the end of the series rather than a focus so large it required the death of both main characters to make sure we all understood that Heaven Had Changed Now. Because TFW had never been fighting to make Heaven right. They’d been fighting to save the world itself, for humanity to all have a chance to live their lives as their own.

And we didn’t need to see that in the final hope they might get their own lives on Earth to explore. In the end, the fundamental narrative that Life On Earth was dictated by the cosmic structure of creation was never fully subverted. And for me, that’s the main reason I just… can’t accept the finale. It wasn’t a victory of free will and humanity, in the end it was just more of the same.

I appreciate the attempts to take the essential bones of the story we did get and apply a different polish to the surface of the skeleton, but to me it still feels like we’re looking at completely different beasts in the end. Like… to me this was as jarring a revelation as those drawing of modern animals reimagined as dinosaurs entirely based on their skeletons. Like, all along the narrative told me I was looking at a swan. They told me this skeleton they’re building out from is definitely a swan, without a doubt. I know what a swan looks like-- a graceful feather-covered bird with magnificent wings. I trusted that in the end it would be at least remotely swan-looking. And then the finale ended up looking like this

and I just don’t even know where everything went so wrong. Or maybe all along I just assumed they actually knew what a swan looked like, but weren’t sure they could actually pull it off and settled for whatever the heck this is instead. Either way, I’m actually kinda grateful to the finale for being so entirely disappointing on every level, because otherwise I probably would’ve tried to adopt the monstrosity of it anyway. And I’m really, really glad I don’t have to.

#spn 15.20 #spn cosmology #heaven hell purgatory and the empty #and this is why no amount of narrative defense of the finale is capable of making me feel any better about it #i admit i thought too big... but it was all right there in the narrative to see #oh well at least all i have to do to hold on to my grandest notion of the universe is throw out the finale :'D

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luna-is-on-mars · 3 years

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I'm so deeply sorry for worrying you @ajokeformur-ray and @jslittlebirdie! That was never my intention and it pains me very much to realize how unfair and careless my disappearance was. In fact, I still find it difficult to realize and accept that I'm actually seen, heard and even valued by the two of you, that I may not just be a nobody on the internet, but a very real friendship. I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for the sorrow that has arisen, for the worries and thoughts that you've made, for the horrific impression that I've given and all the other terrible things and feelings that my sudden absence caused. I swear none of this was my intention and I hope so much you two know that none of this has to do with any of you! I'm all too aware of how it feels and none of you deserve it in the least. For this reason I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore and yet I hope that you can accept my apology. What I did was neither fair nor justified, I know that, but I still want to let you know that I miss you indescribably. Even when we weren't interacting or I was online, you were always with me, in my heart and mind. The meaning that you've for me is limitless and I could never thank you for all the wonderful, great things that you've done and are for me. I hope to never forget you and I hope so much that my carelessness and thoughtlessness didn't ruin such a meaningful acquaintance!

I was wondering how I could ever get in touch again, tried not to be a coward just once, to admit my mistake and to apologize. I know that I've always needed you more than you needed me, that I've hoped again and again for understanding and acceptance from you. And I realized that this time is probably no exception. So if you're still reading this text, then the READ MORE will be followed by my explanation of why I disappeared at all, why it took me so long to come back and what was going on in my head.

So, as you may know, my apprenticeship started last Monday. In detail, this means that I have two days of school every two weeks and one day of school for the opposite two weeks. In the weeks where I have one day of school, I also work five days in the store, in the weeks with two days of school it is four days. This means that I only have one day off per week and that I'm awake from 5:10 or 6:00 am, until 1:30 or 2:40 pm at work/school, at 2:00 or 3:30 pm I'm at home and go to bed by 9 p.m. at the latest, so really too little time to rest, cook, clean up, etc. So currently I ride my bike about 40-50 km per week. All of this ensures that I'm quite exhausted, plus the overwhelming changes in my everyday life, with completely new and unknown environments, activities, people and above all routines (which is an enormous effort for me). But all of this has become more or less established for me and I very much hope that not too much will change now and that I'll get used to everything as quickly as possible.

All of these things are already exhausting enough for me, but the worst is that I'm now going back to school with people who're all too quick to judge and who've high expectations of me, who've little understanding and openness for people who're different, with problems and difficulties. People like me. I've already had a negative clash with one of my teachers because he asked me to do something that I couldn't organize in terms of time.

But that's not what's worst for me because that's one of my classmates. She has only seen me for two days, hardly knows anything about me and yet she hurt me so much and made me think that I came home and cried, so discouraged and hopeless. Actually, I'm not an overly "openly" emotional person, but I don't have too high an opinion of myself anyway.

She told me that I'm such a shollow person, invisible, irrelevant, that my being alone alienates me from my surroundings, that I would't understand anything within the real life, that all I'm and feel are just my thoughts, that I'm a waste in this world, that I'm alone and always will be because my lack of social interaction and experiences mean that I'm not able, don't have the right, to feel part of any group or society. She told me that I'm a nobody, incapable of anything, with a cold heart.

And let me tell you, I was overwhelmed, scared, sad and hurt. I actually thought there was some truth to it, and maybe it is, but after days of worrying, I realized that I'm SO MUCH more too!

All of my problems, all of my loneliness don't make me angry, bitter or cold-hearted, on the contrary, in fact. My loneliness and detachment are part of me, neither positive nor negative, they allow me to observe, understand and empathize. Maybe I don't belong anywhere, but because of me, no one else will EVER have to feel as if they're not accepted and valued for who they're. No one will ever feel as lost or hopeless as I do. For me, every single living being is something very special and extraordinary. Maybe I don't have a big or important meaning, but neither am I meaningless. If being part of one of these groups or societies means that it's okay to hurt someone, then I NEVER can and NEVER want to be part of them. I prefer to watch the world, stay away from people who have no idea of the meaning of their words and deeds, stay lonely. Because, in reality, my heart is neither cold nor dead, it's incredibly alive, full of warmth and love. My mind is filled with so many wonderful ideas, stories, observations, and experiences; it's not dull or wasted. My amazement, love, curiousity, compassion and appreciation are truly limitless. Maybe I'll never fully understand the people and life around me, maybe I'll never find my place, my home, but that's okay. My mother always told me that if I don't find my place among people, I'll always have one among the stars. I've no idea what or who is popular, how to do this or that, what's considered normal or realistic, what makes the average life special, worth living or beautiful. And that's okay. I realized, more than before, that I'm capable of something, something very important in fact! I feel, intensely, limitless and almost magical. I know what it feels like to have the rain pattering down on me, to feel the wind in my hair, to see my cats happy, to see the smiles of those around me, authentic and beautiful, how amazing it is to look at the stars, to be filled and flowed through by music. I know what it feels like to live, not to experience, but to simply be alive, to breathe, to see and to perceive everything, no matter how small, around me. To be overwhelmed by emotions, good and bad. Should I actually be meaningless, then I'm definitely grateful for all the meaningful things that I can experience.

I'm lonely, out of place, that's right. Maybe I'm lost, but maybe it allows me to see and discover so much more. I have realized that all of my weaknesses and difficulties, my loneliness, make me understanding and kind. Not cold or incompetent, insignificant or indifferent. I wish I could show her, make her understand that there's so much more than popularity or reputation, all of these wonderfully great things that she seems to overlook or perceive as of less value. And even though her words hurt me, I made up my mind to forgive her. I wish she would understand how complex and meaningful words, deeds, feelings, people and this extraordinary world are, I'm sorry that she understands and appreciates so little. In any case, I want to make sure that she, or anyone else, NEVER gets hurt by me.

I'm sorry to annoy you with my rambling, but that's why I needed time to myself. Unfortunately, I'll not have too much time and energy to be very active in the future either, but I'll try to read and answer all of your wonderful messages. I can't tell how quickly I'm able to do this, but I will try my best! After a really exhausting and intense week, I'm definitely back. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the compassionate, thoughtful messages. Their, and your, incredible meaning is really difficult for me to put into words, so THANK YOU!

I miss you both so incredible much and I hope all is well with you.

#personal #Erika ♡#Sue ♡#I'm back!#(kinda)

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damn-stark · 4 years

Text

Crossed Stars Ch.2

Marvel x Star Wars crossover

A/N- I like how this turned out and I’m excited to keep writing for this story, thanks to everyone for all the nice feedback on the previous chapter, I love you all!! As always leave your thoughts!!

Warning- light swearing, angst, slow burn, mentions of violence

Pairing- Steve Rogers x reader, Poe Dameron x reader

Takes place during- the first 20 minutes of endgame

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

———

“Now that we told you who we are, it’s your turn.” The blonde women repeated.

You exhale deeply, “People looking for answers,” you answered as you slowly lowered your blaster.

“In war ships?” The little sentient interjected.

You shrug, “we’re desperate.” You hang your blaster back in your holster and rest your hands on your hips, “now explain what you did to our people, before we have to use those war ships. And trust me you don’t want to see what happens when they’re used.”

“We don’t who you are or what you’re talking about.” The blond women spoke again.

“First tell us what you did, and then we’ll consider introducing ourselves.” Dameron spoke as he lowered his own weapon, “people from our galaxy disappeared. We want answers not a war.”

The Avengers looked to one another and seemed to share the same grim expression, one your crew and you shared too. The man that seemed to be the leader turned to all of you with a frown, “it looks like we’re on the same team. Our people disappeared too.” He sighed, “we don’t want a war either, so if you all want, you’re all welcome inside, we have the answers you’re looking for.”

—

“Are we sure we trust them?” Commander Zuko asked in a low whisper.

“What choice do we have? If they wanted to fight they would’ve fought the moment our ships came out of hyperspace.” You explained in the same whisper, “we have to at least hear them out.”

Dameron nodded, “y/n’s right, they say they have answers, let’s just hear what they have to say.”

“What if this is a trap?” Commander Zuko kept probing, causing you to sigh and mentally roll your eyes.

“Then we’re dead.” Jessika answered sarcastically.

Commander Zuko scoffed, as you held in a laugh before finally joining the Avengers around the holographic computer that displayed the map of the planet, with numbers that only increased by the second...much like the one at home.

In fact a lot of stuff so far seemed to be the same from where you were. You expected a lot of stuff to be different, considering that you’ve never knew of this galaxy, but so far a lot of stuff seemed the same, even the human and their ability to speak basic. But then again you haven’t left the perimeters of this place, only seen it from the sky before you landed, and as far as you could tell it was a much better looking Coruscant.

“Before we begin to explain what happened, I’ll introduce myself,” the leader began as his eyes examined the group, “I’m Captain Steve Rogers.”

You smiled shyly and introduced yourself first, “I’m General Y/N L/N.” Captain Rogers turned his eyes to you, returning the smile and holding your gaze for a lingering moment before Dameron quickly interrupted it.

“I’m General Poe Dameron.” He introduced, shooting Steve a very discreet glare, the rest of the people you came here with introduced themselves thereafter, leaving the rest of the Avengers to do the same.

The blond women introduced herself as Natasha, and the droid that actually turned out to be a man in a suit was Colonel James Rhodes. A smaller man in a loose suit jacket was Dr. Bruce Banner, while the man sitting queitly in the corner was Thor, leaving the little sentient as Rocket.

As you were going to start the awaited conversation you felt a sharp poke on your side and as you looked down you saw an offended Artoo. “Ow! Yeah sorry.” You turned back to the Avengers and sighed, “this is Artoo, my droid, and the ball over there is BB8.”

“Your droid?” Captain Rogers queried as he put his hands in his pockets.

“Yes.” You smiled, “You don’t have any?”

“No.” Natasha interjected in a confused way.

“Interesting.” Rocket commented with a hidden smirk.

“Anyway focusing back on why we’re here.” Commander Zuko added, completely dropping the subject from before, “we need answers.”

Steve sighed, “You might want to take a seat.”

—

Understanding what happened was confusing and hard to hear, they barely seemed to understand. But apparently the cause for everyone’s disappearance was because of a mad Titan called Thanos had powers, stones, that he used to wipe out half of the population all over the universe. Supposedly because “the universe needed correction.” That he did this because it was needed and that everyone should be grateful. But everyone was feeling everything but that.

The Avengers didn’t even know that the stones affected everyone that far, in fact they didn’t even know the galaxy stretched that far. And disappointingly enough they had no way to bring everyone back, they just like you were victims of the snap.

“So theirs no answers? No way to bring them all back?” You continued to ask, hoping that in that second something would come up.

“No..we’re still trying to figure that out,” Captain Rogers answered with a sad look, tears of his own seeming to pool his eyes as he recalled the memories of what happened, “but it’s hard, we’re hoping that the people we’re looking for have answers.”

You wipe your tear that slipped out and keep your eyes downcasted to avoid any questions or pity from those around, so far you’ve been holding in everything, just hoping that their will be answers.

“We have to find that monster.” Commander Zuko asserted, “he’s the one that did all of this, he’s the one that’s going to have answers.”

“Sure.” Rhodey shrugged, “do you know where he is?”

“Let’s find him.”

“That’s what we’ve been trying.” Rocket remarked. “But we have nothing, we have to wait.”

Everyone grew quiet, awkward silence surrounding the room for a long while before Natasha thankfully broke it. “If you promise not to try and kill us, we can work together. After all we’re on the same team, we all want our people to come back.”

Your group all shared a look, one that seemed to express the same, one that didn’t need words. “We just got out of a war ourselves,” Dameron began, “we don’t want another one, so yes we agree to work together for a solution.”

Captain Rogers got up from his seat and nodded shaking each of your hands in agreement before he added something else, “you’re all welcome here, theirs room for all of you. I imagine it was a long trip, so if you all want, Natasha and I can take you guys to where you can stay.”

“Thank you, Captain Rogers.” You smiled, one that was a little more forced than the one before, but still was meant to be genuine, even after the disappointing answers provided today. All you wanted was your family back and you still had hope, you were still holding on to that. Which is why you didn’t want to accept that they were really gone, why you avoided expressing any tears now...even if at first it was all you could do.

Being here though was an excuse to avoid those feelings, an excuse to stop being sad, focus on the glimmer of hope these people gave you...they never gave a clear answer to a solution, but you were too stubborn to not think their might be one.

—

“No don’t be ridiculous, Rocket is not going to eat you Artoo.” You chuckled, before he beeped a series of complaints thinking otherwise, making you laugh that much more at your droids dramatics, “or take you apart for parts. I promise I won’t let him get close to you.” The little droid sighed in relief and let the calm morning silence engulf you once again.

It had been the morning after your arrival to this strange little planet, and sleep was something you couldn’t get, so you decided to watch the sunrise what seemed to be hours ago. Much to your disappointment their was only one sun. You missed tatooine’s binaries suns, as hot as they were when they hit your skin on those long days you still missed them.

Being here didn’t feel like home, as pretty as this place was, as green as it seemed and as clean as the air smelled—not like the one compared to Coruscant’s stuffy and nasty polluted air, this just wasn’t home. Hopefully though you were going to go home and be back with the friends you called a family.

“Hey.” At the sound of a distant voice and approaching footsteps you turned slightly to find Dameron approaching you.....you should’ve known— without sparing him a second glance you turned back to admire the blue lake in front of you.

“General Dameron,” You muttered.

Dameron sighed at the sound of what you called him as he sat at your side, “you still with that.”

“With what?” You questioned innocently as if you didn’t know what he was referring to.

“Titles...” he answered, “we’ve known each-other for too long and know each other too well for you to continue with that.”

You shoot him a side glare making both droids roll away to avoid hearing the arguing they suspected would happen, but all you did was ignore his comment which only got him annoyed.

“What about six months ago? Titles to you were irrelevant then.” Dameron grumbled under his breath, purposely making sure you heard him.

Your eyes widened and you turn to shoot him a burning glare, “I told you to forget that.” You seethed, hiding the heat you felt rise on your cheeks. “what do you want?” You hiss, completely changing the subject before he could ruin the morning even more.

He stayed quiet for a moment, regretting the remark he had made moments ago. You already disliked him enough and he felt like he only made it worse. “Just came to check how you were doing...I’m sorry about—”

“I’m fine.” You huffed as you cut him off before crossing your arms over your chest, “you can leave now.”

Dameron let out a silent “oh” sound before he shuffled to his feet, his shoulders dropping and a long frown showing on his lips. A look that made you sigh—he had lost his friends too...not just you and all you’ve been was a complete bitch that just ignored his feelings for this whole situation. “Poe, wait...” you called making said man stop at the sound of his name. “I...miss them.” You say in a hushed tone.

He hesitated for a moment, letting out a shaky breath before he sat back down at your side, “I miss them too.”. Tears filled your eyes, but again you couldn’t let yourself feel upset, so you swallowed back your tears and dropped your head to hide your emotions from him as he continued, “do you think their will be a solution?” You furrowed your eyebrows at his question, something he noticed and continued to explain himself, “I just mean it’s a monster with powers that we can’t fight, and that we don’t know anything about.” He pauses for a moment not sounding like the man you knew, “we can’t use the force like Rey could....we’re just pilots.”

“What’s so wrong with simply being pilots? We were just pilots when we defeated Starkiller base and Palpatine’s fleet.” You reminded him, hoping that your words would ease him or encourage him—something that came easy, but also something you didn’t expect to do. However you felt though, saying those words made him show a small smile. “Plus, we need to have hope that their will be a solution, that we will get them back. Because we are.” You didn’t know what you would do if you didn’t find one.

“You’re right,” he nodded, sounding somewhat more hopeful than before and as he was going to continue, the sight of Captain Rogers caught the attention of the both of you—yours more than his, causing him to drop what it was he was going to say as the captain approached the both of you.

“Good-morning, General L/N, General Dameron.” He showed a kind smile before he showed the same serious look since you arrived here.

“Good-morning, Captain.” You replied with a soft smile.

“Morning.” Dameron answered, more insincere than you, mostly because he noticed the way you so easily smiled at the Captain and seemed not tear your eyes away from him since he got here.

“We invited your other friends for breakfast, I just wanted to ask the both of you too.” Captain Rogers explained, “but if you want to eat breakfast together then you’re welcome to do so.”

Quickly you dismissed his insinuation about Dameron and you, “no, no we’ll join the rest of the group.” You answered with a small nod before he motioned for Dameron and you to follow him. Albeit Dameron stomped behind, while Artoo joined you as you walked at Steve’s side. “You’re little planet seems nice..as far as I have seen,” you continue, “it’s a shame that we only just discovered of your existence,”

“Really?” He questioned curiously. “Why is that?”

Artoo answers for you with a witty remark, making you laugh and agree with him, “like the droid said.”

Captain Rogers only looked more lost, his face expressing all kinds of confused emotions. “You understand it?”

You quirked your eyebrow in amusement, “yes, do you not?”

Captain Rogers simply shook his head.

“Well to put it nicely, he said it’s because you’re galaxy is irrelevant...until now of course.” You simply shrug. He chuckled lightly before silence took over for a moment, that was until you broke it, “You can call me y/n by the way, the title is not needed.”

He smiled a genuine smile, “okay, y/n, you can call me Steve.”

——

It had been a quiet couple days since your arrival, no solutions yet, just waiting. Waiting for their people to be found for a clear answer and waiting for a location, just simply waiting for something to happen. Something you were able to do, all because that’s what you could do, what distracted you from the ugly truth you didn’t want to accept.

Talking and meeting the people that were letting you to stay in their home, letting you help was slow, but understandable, nobody seemed to be in the mood for long conversations, or simply conversations at all. Everyone was still too badly affected and hurt by the events, by the loss of everyone you all knew. The people you talked more too were the ones you came with, mainly because you didn’t want to get close to people that you weren’t going to see after this was over and you had found something.

That still didn’t mean you could talk about them though, mainly one person in particular, “would it be wrong to say that I think that Captain Rogers eyes seem to shine like blue kyber crystals?” You mused as you lay next to Jessika on the grass.

Jessika shrugged with a smug smile, “You’re not wrong.”

“Neither of you have seen a blue kyber crystal.” Dameron grumbled with a hint of jealousy seeping through his voice.

“False.” You pointed, your smile faltering at the memory, “Rey....showed me one before and they match his eyes.“ you pause and your grin widens, “plus his eyes aren’t his only good feature. His beard is great too, I like a man with a good beard like his.”

“He can pull it off,” Kará followed, “but Thor can pull it off better.”

“True.” Jessika agreed, all while Commander Zuko and Dameron scoffed in annoyance. Jessika noticed and turned to the boys with a mischievous look, “Poe it’s okay if you have a crush on Natasha, you’re single, theirs nothing wrong with it.”

Your smile slowly began to drop after Jessika’s comment, your eyes shifting from Dameron and Jessika as you awaited for his answer. An answer you never received or were going to as Commander Zuko interrupted. “This mission is serious we’re not here to act like children.”

The girls and you all shared the same annoyed look before you remarked, “lighten up commander, it’s harmless fun.”

“Fun, General? Half of our galaxy disappeared and you’re having fun?”

You swallowed thickly, anger completely replacing the little amusement you had felt before. “Yes I know that, we all do, but we can’t just sit and cry. Not when theirs a solution, hope.”

“Might. Their might be one.” He corrected you, infuriating more.

“No. Their is.” You replied defensively.

Just as he was going to argue back the ground below you shook, causing all of you to stand up and be on guard immediately as you looked to the night sky. Finding something glowing, something that seemed to be a person carrying a ship down to the ground.

All of you turned to each other before rushing towards where the ship had seemed to land, finding that the avengers had noticed the same thing and waited. None of them had weapons pointed to the women or the ship, not like when you landed, in fact they seemed to be relieved. Letting you come to the conclusion that the fragile looking man, and the sentient women that came out of the ship were the ones they were waiting for, they were the people with the answers.

—

What could you do besides listen? Their was no need for you to input anything into Steve’s and the fragile looking man you now knew as Tony Stark argument. They have a complicated past and their was much more hidden in his words than just simply about what went on. Anyway if you did happen to want to add something, you had the feeling you would be shot down immediately...by that same fragile man, so to avoid any more stress to the situation you and the rest of your crew just listened and took in the occasional weird looks you would get from Tony.

It wasn’t until the sentient women named Nebula, said she had a location, a more hopeful answer to a solution that your crew and you finally decided to join the conversation without it feeling like you were intruding.

“Thanos spent a long time trying to perfect me. And when he worked he talked about his Great Plan. Even disassembled, I wanted to please him.” Nebula explained as she tried to hide the emotions she felt of this situation, “I’d ask, where would we go once his plan was complete? His answer was always the same, “To the Garden.”.”

You sit back in your chair, and listened to what Rhodey had to say, “that’s cute. Thanos has a retirement plan.”

Dameron walks to stand behind you and asks the more important question, “so, where is he?”

Rocket followed by clicking something that sparked a holo-map to life, “when Thanos snapped his fingers earth became ground zero for a power surge of ridiculously cosmic proportions.” The map of earth displayed what rocket explained, shooting off a powerful wave of what affected even your galaxy, “no ones ever seen anything like it. Until two days ago,” the map then changed, enhancing more on the planet you needed, “on this planet.”

You narrowed your eyes to look at the map in front of you as Nebula added, “Thanos is there.” Hearing that made you feel more hope than ever before. The fact and knowledge that their was finally something, a long awaited answer to your long search and problems felt like a sign that it was going to work out.

“He used the stones again.” Natasha mused as she studied the map.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Dr. Banner chuckled an unamused laugh, “we’d be going in short handed, you know?”

“Look, he’s still got the stones, so,” Rhodey interjected,

“so, let’s get em.” Carol quickly interrupted.

You stand to your feet and nod, “agreed. Let’s do it, we can use them to get everyone back.”

“Just like that?” Dr. Banner questioned unconvinced.

“Yeah. Just like that.” Steve agreed.

Natasha commented, “even if their is a small chance that we can undo this I mean, we owe it to everyone that’s not in this room to try.”

“If we do this, how do we know it’s gonna end any differently than it did before?”

“Because before you didn’t have me.” Carol quickly responded to Dr. Banners question.

“Or us.” You add confidently.

“Hey, new people.” Rhodey remarked, “everybody in this room is about that superhero life.” He turns to Carol to direct his question to her, “and if you don’t mind my asking, where the hell have you been all this time?”

“There are a lot of other planets in the universe. And unfortunately they didn’t have you guys.” Carol shot back, making you hide your smile at her words. But it also seemed that you weren’t the only one who payed attention to her remark. Thor had too, and it wasn’t until the point when he stood up just now that you remembered he was here too—but unlike you he didn’t seem to enjoy carols remark, going up to her with a serious face and studying her intently.

All until he extended his hand to summon an axe to it, following by misleading you and everyone in the room with a compliment, “I like this one.”

“We’ll provide our fleets and the squadron.” Commander Zuko added as he walked up to the table, getting approving looks from the avengers and your own crew, all before Steve confidently stated something you all agreed too, something you couldn’t help but smirk to.

“Let’s go get this son of bitch.”

—

“All fighters prepared for jump to hyperspace?” Dameron voiced through the comms, as you and the squadron waited at the side of the Avengers ship.

“Yes.” You responded before trailing off to talk to Artoo, “You got it all ready, buddy? It’s a short ride from here and the other planet.” Artoo responded with approving sets of beeps all before he commented something that made you roll your eyes in a lighthearted way, “you are so right, I would be nowhere without you.” You chuckled softly, before securing your helmet, “now you ancient droid, get ready to jump in 3...2...1.” As you mouthed the last number, Artoo not failing to listen jumped to hyperspace.

Even if it was a short ride compared to the one you made to get to earth, and even if you had been in hyperspace millions of times, your breath still got taken away at the sight of the passing colors, and it was something that you were never going to get tired of.

Seconds after arriving, Carol came over the comms, “I’ll head down for recon.” their was no need to wait too long or have the option to join her as just minutes later she flew back up...in an odd and amazing way, no helmet or pack to fly down, just her and her...abilities. Yet something else that left you in awe. “No satellites, no ships, no armies, no ground defenses of any kind. It’s just him.”

That was weird...someone with powers he had would be protected at all costs, not just alone, unless he—no, it’s as Nebula said before, he’s just retired...right?

“I don’t trust that,” Dameron commented what you were thinking. “He can’t just be alone.”

“But he is.” Carol responded.

You gripped onto the handles of your stirring wheel letting out a deep breath, “I agree with Dameron...we shouldn’t trust him. We’ve faced problems like these, we need to take precaution. For now the fleets are going to be on standby, but the squadron and me will fly down first.”

The avengers hesitantly agreed with what you had said, all while the small squadron you had came with didn’t bother to think of the answer, they all simply agreed,

“We’ll follow your lead, Red.” Jessika informed you, making you smile and rapidly move forward and into the planet. And of course the planet had to be beautiful, breathtaking even, damn shame such a horrible monster lived in a planet such as this one.

Artoo soon beeped in with important information, one that proved carols previous statement about Thanos being alone. And however correct it was, it still wasn’t going to ease you, in fact that kept you more on guard and even got you scared. The more you got closer to where Artoo had found him in the scanners the more scared you seemed to get.

As you caught sight of the little hut in the middle of nowhere you knew that was him, you were now closer than to ever to the solution, to getting back your family. With that in mind, you quickly agreed to blowing up the hut to surprise attack the Titan living inside. “Target on lock, get ready Carol.” Your thumb ghosted over the blasters button, something you didn’t give a second thought to press. Exploding the hut in sight, feeling proud and happy as you did it, all before you quickly flew past it and landed a few feet away from the other landing ships.

As soon as you landed, you jumped off your cockpit and followed after the remaining avengers, Natasha and Steve to head towards the problem, with Dameron quick to fall by your side. Just as you were going to comment on it, you kept your mouth shut. One, even if you told him that he should stay behind he wouldn’t listen and two...well this was his fight too and you had no right to tell him to stay...in fact and something you were too proud to agree too, you were relieved and glad he was by your side.

Dameron was familiar and you trusted him and all you needed in a space full of strangers was someone familiar, someone you trusted and again something you could never admit, he was someone you felt safe with. And as you heard screaming coming from the hut, you were anything but angry he was by your side.

“Oh, no.” You look down after Rockets upset whisper, noticing the gauntlet that you figured was what you were looking for. Only nothing was there, no stones, just a burnt and melted gauntlet with evidence that something you couldn’t dare think about happened.

“Where are they?” Steve asked the man you knew was no one other than Thanos, it was evident, he was the one in a headlock and with burnt scars on half of his face that matched the gold gauntlet.

“Answer the question,” Carol snarled as she tightened her hold on his throat.

“The universe required correction,” Thanos groaned, making your eyes water and your whole confident demeanor drop at the sound of words, knowing that what he was going to say was going to be nothing you wanted hear. “after that, the stones served no purpose beyond temptation.”

Poe met your saddened gaze, his look reflecting your own, tears of his own held within. Yet as you knew what Thanos answer meant, you were stubborn to accept it, they couldn’t really be gone.

“You murdered trillions!” Dr. Banner shouted as he shoved the Titan to the floor.

“You should be grateful.” Thanos dared to say, causing Dr. Banner to go in for a nasty kick to his face.

Carefully you moved towards Thanos, blinking back tears as you spoke up, “where are the stones?”

Thanos looked up to you with a cold and knowing look, before saying what you knew he was going to say, “gone. Reduced to atoms.”

Your breath caught in your throat, tears finally slipping out as you heard the truth you had been ignoring, a truth you didn’t accept before.

“You used them two days ago!” Dr. Banner pointed out.

Thanos lifted his head higher and looked to Banner, “I used the stones to destroy the stones. It nearly killed me. But the work is done. It always will be.” He pushed himself up higher, “I am inevitable.”

Poe shook his head and stepped to your side, “h-he has to be lying.”

“My father is many things.” Nebula interjected in a upset voice, “a liar is not one of them.”

With that everything just shattered within you, all hope, everything just broke, all efforts to hold yourself together slipped. In order to not show it in front of everyone, you stumbled away from the group and fell to your knees in the field in front of what used to be a hut, dropping your head on your hands as your shoulders shook as you began to sob.

They were gone, every single person from your galaxy, those you had promised to protect were gone. Rey, Finn and Chewbacca were gone. Really gone, and their was nothing you did to bring them back, nothing you did to stop it....what were you going to do now?

You broke away from your thoughts as you felt someone grab your shoulders. Instantly you lifted your head and already had a hand on your blaster, only to drop it back in your holster as you noticed that it was Poe knelt in front of you.

“Th-their has to be something, something we can do from home.” You stammered quickly, making him frown, his tears finally rolling down his cheeks before he cupped your cheeks, “they-they can’t be gone....Poe.” Said man was surprised you hadn’t pushed him away, that you let him hold you for so long, but it was also something he didn’t point out or mind. You needed the comfort, you both did.

He tucked loose strands of hair behind your ears before sliding his hands back to continue cupping your cheeks. “They’re gone y/n, we can’t do anything about it. We have to go home now.”

“No, they’re not gone. I-I know you don’t believe that.” You cried before he pulled you in for a hug, a hug you returned and eased into.

“I have to...even if I don’t.” Poe whispered, his voice breaking before his shoulders started shaking as he cried at the truth. One you couldn’t accept. Their had to be something you could do. You couldn’t accept that you failed, that their was nothing. You couldn’t go home, you had to do something.

You were going to do something.

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p-artsypants · 3 years

Text

I Do...I Guess? (Part One)

The Proposal

FF.net | Ao3.com

I got a craving to replay FFX again for the first time in like ten years. To be honest, I forgot a bunch of stuff (not to mention that I never finished it in the first place.)

I’m recently engaged, and as I was playing this game, my brain kept saying ‘how would this scene be different if Yuna and Tidus were married?’

So I decided to write it.

I didn’t want to rehash the whole story completely, so it diverts a bit and I skipped some scenes that I felt would have been the same in canon. Hope you enjoy!

It felt good to laugh. Right. Like they weren’t on a mission to save the world. Like they weren’t trying to stop a hellish reincarnation of his father.

Like they were a bunch of friends, having fun on a road trip.

Yuna looked at him, eyes filled with tears from their laughter. Most of her smiles so far had been strained, or just an act. But this was joy. Pure, real joy.

His fake, psychotic laugh had echoed over Luca, and at first she couldn’t stand the absurdity of it.

But only a few minutes later, when they both frantically tried to catch their breaths, Yuna realized what she was missing.

Someone who wasn’t afraid to be a little silly. Someone who wasn’t afraid to be a little rude or wild, even in the face of propriety of Yevon.

It was a good feeling.

She smiled at him. “I like you, Tidus.”

The blunt phrase hit him like a bullet, straight to his heart. “I uh uh...like you too?” And he did. Maybe a little too much for the comfort of his fellow guardians. But getting Yuna’s approval felt good at least. It was nice to know she liked him, and she wasn’t just tolerating him as Wakka’s lost duckling.

Well, she had agreed to make him a guardian, hadn’t she? That had to count for something.

She nodded once, a determined look on her face. “Wait here a second, okay?”

“Oooookay?”

She walked over to where the others were standing, watching with faces of confusion and mild horror.

“What?” Called Tidus.

“We were just wondering if you two had finally lost it!” Wakka called back.

Tidus didn’t get a chance to reply as Yuna beckoned Wakka into a huddle with the others.

She talked too softly for him to hear, back to him, and hands held tightly to her chest. No indication of what this was all about.

But they all gasped together, obviously shocked at something she had to say.

Something about him? What? Did she want to make him super guardian or something? Did he get promoted already?

Each and every guardian took a second to look at him, eyes narrowed in a glare of scrutiny.

Aw crap. What did he do wrong this time?

They all seemed to come to an agreement, as they nodded solemnly.

When Yuna returned, her face was red, and her eyes wouldn’t meet his.

“Yuna?”

“I would...like to ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“It may be sudden, and a little strange...”

“As has my whole journey been so far. Nothing new for me.”

“Well...if it’s not too much...I’d like to ask you...to marry me.”

“M-m-marry?!” He stuttered, taking a full step back. “Wh-what? How? Why?!”

“You can say no!” She insisted. “It’s just that...summoners typically have a family, or a next of kin. My parents are gone, and I have no siblings. Lulu, Wakka, and Kimahri feel like siblings to me, but in the eyes of Yevon, they’re only friends. I’d like to...take you as my husband. Officially.”

“That...makes sense...but why me?”

Her face turned redder. “I told you I liked you...”

“I didn’t know you meant it that way.”

Yuna looked ready to cry. “You can still say no. And nothing will change! You can still be my guardian. It’s just that...the temples get really touchy about guardians of the opposite sex staying in the same room with the summoner if they aren’t related or married. Lulu thinks it would be safer...” she covered her mouth. “I’m sorry! I don’t want to pressure you! This is up to you, and I don’t want to twist your arm!”

Tidus laughed. Not at her, of course, just the situation in general. It was a hollow laugh, one that betrayed how he felt.

She blushed again, this time in embarrassment. “It’s not a joke...”

Tidus took a deep breath. “No, it’s not. I’m sorry, I was just...a little shocked. Are you sure? I mean, I’m trying to get back to Zanarkand. If you don’t think I will ever get there, and so you’re taking a chance on me...”

She shook her head. “I don’t know if you’ll go back. If you do, I’d like to go with you.” She bit her lip and looked away from him. “Truth is...I haven’t ever felt this way about someone before. I felt it the day we met, too. And it’s only grown stronger every time you made me laugh.” She bravely met his eyes. “I don’t know what the future holds for us. But this is something I can control. Something that I can choose. And I choose you. If you’ll have me.”

Tidus scratched his head, torn. Yuna was amazing. Wonderful, beautiful, sweet, and kind. Not to mention wickedly talented as a summoner.

But Sin. His father. Zanarkand. Would she still pick him if she knew?

“This is your decision,” said Auron. “It doesn’t need to be rushed.”

“The next temple is Djose,” added Wakka. “It’s a ways away. But you have until then to decide. That’s the soonest we can get someone to perform the ceremony.”

Yuna looked small. Smaller than he had ever seen her before. And it was his fault. “Hey,” he said, grasping her shoulder. “My hesitation isn’t because of you.”

She looked at him, hope in her eyes.

“I do like you. Kind of like you said you liked me. I noticed it a while ago, but didn’t think it was...wise to entertain it. Any man would be lucky to take you as a...wife.” He struggled with the word. “But, I just need a little time to think. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to be a hindrance on your pilgrimage.”

“Oh you won’t be!” Yuna insisted.

“Yuna,” Auron stepped in. “What if...you beat Sin, and he goes back home? Would your marriage matter?”

Yuna was quiet a moment. “I always wanted to be a summoner. Ever since I was a child. Just like my father. Marriage was a pipe dream. I know I won’t get that domestic life that everyone dreams about. But if I could entertain it, for a little while, I think it would be worth it.”

“Who said you can’t have domestic bliss?” Asked Tidus. “Say I agree. You defeat Sin. I don’t go home. Then what? We bask in the glory of your success and return to Besaid. Or wherever you want to settle.”

Everyone was silent, not making eye contact.

“I mean, I have faith that we can beat Sin. I’m just saying that fantasizing about the future could be fun.”

Lulu spoke up. “Perhaps it’s best if you thought things over. We understand where Yuna is coming from. If you want to talk things through a little more, just ask.”

Auron nodded. “But we can talk on the road. We should get going.”

All talk of betrothal behind them for now, the group ascended the stairs and stepped onto the plains.

Everyone moved on, the air a mixture of tense silence and feigned normalcy.

Tidus hung in the back, away from Yuna, feeling like the scum of the earth.

Auron walked beside him, that mysterious quiet following him.

“I messed up, didn’t I?”

“She sprung that proposal on all of us. Your reaction was normal.”

“What am I supposed to do? You know what’s going on better than anyone else. What with...Jecht and Sin. You told me not to tell her. So what’s the right thing to do?”

“Yuna cares deeply for you. I knew it the moment I saw you together.”

“Oh, like you’re some sort of love expert?”

“Not a bit. But Yuna is easy to read.”

“Yeah...she is.”

“And you didn’t notice?”

“It’s different when it’s you, you know?”

“You’re just oblivious.”

“Am not!”

“And immature. Definitely not marriage material.”

“Now you’re just being mean.”

“You’re just being sensitive.”

“Rude.”

They fell into silence then, just following Wakka and Lulu’s lead.

“Tidus.” He spoke softly.

“Hm?”

“Yuna is Lord Braska’s daughter.”

“Correct.”

“The honor of defeating Sin would make her a legend. That honor is something she’s willing to share with you.”

“I mean, I was planning on helping her anyway. I don’t need the glory.”

“Then I anticipate you’re a lot less selfish then some other men in this world.”

“I...don’t follow.”

Auron exhaled, patiently rewording his explanation. “If you don’t wed her, there’s a chance someone else would try to do so. And they might not be in it for the right reasons.”

“...so, you’re saying I should say yes?”

“You wanted guidance. Isn’t that why you’re walking so far back?”

“I do want guidance. I’ve only been in Spira for a week, and I’ve already been proposed to. How’s a guy supposed to handle that?”

He sighed. “I don’t want to screw things up for Yuna. I want to help, but if everything that I am...if what he is makes everything wrong...and it’s too late to back out, I would feel awful.”

“Sin’s identity won’t matter. None of this will matter in the end.”

“In the end?”

“Once she calls the Final Aeon. Her pilgrimage is over, and it won’t matter. Being married to you, whether you stay on Spira or not, is irrelevant.”

“If I do go back in the end, will Yuna be able to marry again? Is that legal here? Dumb question, I know...”

“It’s legal. But she probably won’t.”

“And she’s okay with that?”

“Yuna knows all the consequences of her decisions. She may be naïve and hopeful, but she isn’t ignorant.”

Before the conversation could progress, there was a growl from the tall grass before a wolf fiend leapt from its hiding place, and the guardians fell into battle.

—

Next on the chopping block was Wakka.

Or rather, he was the chopper, and Tidus the choppee.

He grabbed Tidus by the head, forcing his face into his armpit and nooging his head. “I told you not to go getting any ideas!”

Tidus nearly puked, but broke out of the grapple before he could die. “And I told you no promises!” He wiped his face with his sleeve. “It’s not my fault I’m ridiculously charming.”

Wakka huffed, “‘Ridiculously charming’ yeah right. I saw you talking on the boat. You were flirting with her!”

“If being nice and talking to her is flirting here, then I don’t want to know what my actual flirting game looks like in your eyes.”

Wakka rubbed the back of his head. “I should have seen this coming. Yuna doesn’t know a lot of boys her age. It was only a matter of time before she got a crush on you.”

“So because I’m her age, and around, she was bound to like me? Is that what you’re saying? Really?”

“...you’re right. That makes Yuna sound shallow. Still...I wish it hadn’t been you.”

“Wow, thanks a lot man. Didn’t know you had such a poor opinion of me.”

Wakka groaned loudly, catching the attention of everyone else. He waved them on, and pulled Tidus back a little further. “You’re cool, dude. Honest. I just...do you remember the story of Lady Yunalesca and Lord Zaon?”

“No.”

“Well, Lady Yunalesca is the first summoner to ever defeat Sin. And she did it with her guardian, her lover and husband Lord Zaon at her side. It’s a love story that everyone fantasizes about having one day. Yuna has the capabilities to be just like Lady Yunalesca. But you...you’re no Lord Zaon.”

“So? Maybe a Lord Zaon isn’t what she needs.”

“What she needs is someone to support her. Someone who knows what’s going on, who doesn’t need her to hold their hand and explain everything to. I’m really not trying to be mean, brother, but that Sin toxin messing with your head is a major point against you.”

Tidus understood exactly what he was talking about. He had gotten in plenty of hot water with people when he flubbed up some religious practice. Even simple questions were treated like heresy.

If you couldn’t ask questions about your faith, and you just followed what everyone said, was it even your own belief? Or just blind obedience? That was something that was nagging him about Yevon. And maybe that was an indication that he would just be trouble for Yuna.

“Yuna needs a strong, smart, level headed pillar…not a doofus.”

“I’m not that big of a doofus.” Tidus scuffed his boot against the ground. “But I get it. My ignorance is a boo-boo.”

“Other than that, I’ve got no complaints!” Wakka protested. “You’re nice, make some really great jokes, you’re a decent fighter and only getting better…”

“What, you put me down only so you can butter me up? Pick a mood, man!”

“Sorry, sorry, I just…was surprised. When she proposed. I understand why, I’m just…”

“I get it. And now I know your opinion on the matter.”

“What did Sir Auron say?”

Tidus shrugged. “Danced around the topic. Made some good points, but ultimately decided it didn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter?”

“Probably as long as Yuna continues her pilgrimage, he doesn’t care about her love life. I’m definitely not going to try to stop her. She has an amazing goal ahead of her.”

“Yeah…” Wakka shrugged. “It’s a little terrifying too. Exciting to be a part of it, but...”

“Daunting.” He finished for him.

“Yeah. That’s a good word for it.” He rubbed his shoulders. “Anyways, if you do decide to take Yuna up on her offer, there won’t be any hard feelings, okay? Yuna makes her decisions, and she’s put this one in your hands. I can’t stop her or you.”

“But if you could?”

“I already told her what I told you.”

“You told her I was a doofus?”

“More or less.”

“Thanks.”

“She still proposed. My guess is she already knew.”

“She’s at least kind enough not to say it to my face.”

Wakka chuckled. “She’s too nice for her own good.”

“Can I say something and you not get mad at me?”

“No guarantees.”

Tidus chuckled. “Remember when we were in Kilika and Dona was there, and saying all that crap, and Yuna very politely but firmly told her to move on?”

“Yeah?”

“It was extremely hot.”

Wakka barked a laugh. “Glad to know you like a woman being stern with you.”

Tidus shrugged. “Maybe. Back in Zanarkand, I had a lot of girls doing whatever they could to get with me. It got really annoying after a while.”

“Oh, Mr. Hotshot blitzball player, star of the Zanarkand Abes! Player and most beloved bachelor, ya? Sounds like a real delusion. You must have inhaled a lot of that toxin.”

“Yeah,” Tidus scoffed. “About a thousand years worth. I thought you were starting to believe me?”

“I was, but then you started talking about your groupies and now I’m not so sure.”

“Look, if you’re not going to be helpful, then I might as well go talk to someone else.” He spotted the next closest guardian and spoke a little louder. “Hey Kimahri!”

The Ronso glanced at him, eyes narrowed in that stoic way he always was.

“I was wondering, what’s your opinion on Yuna’s proposal? Should I say yes?”

Kimahri lowered his head in thought, but only for a moment, before raising a large paw and whacking Tidus on the back, like you would a friend.

Then he walked away.

“What was that supposed to mean?”

Wakka chuckled. “I think it’s free for interpretation.”

—

They came across many people on the Mi'ihen Highroad. An old scholar with the dustiest voice he’d ever heard, an acolyte of Yevon named Sholanda—Shinda? Shish Kabob—Tidus could never keep these people’s names straight. A thousand years is plenty of time for words to evolve.

And then there was Belgemine. A summoner, and a nice one, for once. A breath of fresh air compared to Dona.

Yuna accepted the friendly spar, grateful for the chance to learn and grow. The guardians stepped back, and offered plenty of room for the magic storm that was to unfold.

Belgemine had a new aeon to Tidus. A werewolf on fire, with nasty horns and claws.

This must be the aeon from Kilika, though he didn’t hear what name Yuna gave hers.

‘Hot Dog’ would have to do.

Yuna raised her staff, and drew it back like the bow on a cello. The glyph appeared, and the summoning began.

It was just as awe inspiring as the first time he had seen ‘Big Bird’ in Besaid, and every time after. Each direction she gave her aeon was lethal to any man or fiend, but Belgemine’s aeon took hit after hit.

He wanted to cheer, if he hadn’t been too entranced by all the sparking lights.

“Your mouth is open,” commented Lulu, dryly.

He snapped it shut. “Oh. Yeah...I just can’t get over how cool these summons are. Yuna’s so talented.”

“Her prayers are strong. The Fayth hears them, and the aeon reflects that strength. The more resolve, the more powerful the aeon.”

“So Yuna is really determined to fight Sin, huh?”

“Personally, I believe that she thinks she has no other option. She is her father’s daughter. What would anyone else expect of her?”

“Kinda crappy on their part. Yuna has more merit than just who her dad is.”

“To you and I, of course. But to the rest of Spira, a bunch of strangers, she’s a beacon of hope.”

Tidus considered that a moment, hearing the phrase repeated time and time again. He wondered who they were trying to convince.

“Would Yuna taking a husband blot out that beacon?”

It was Lulu’s turn to be silent, as Yuna’s aeon created a burst of light and Belgemine’s dog turned into pyreflies.

“Yuna’s journey will not be easy. Yevon demands their summoners to never show sorrow or worry, but she is still young. She could use someone to share the burden with.”

“So...is that a yes? I should take Yuna up on the proposal?”

“I’m still trying to rationalize it out.” She said honestly. But the coldness in which she usually answered his dumb questions with was absent. “As a woman, who had loved and lost, there is something so simple and innocent as wanting to find your Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Not many do. The uncertainty of life on Spira doesn’t allow much for waiting and hoping.”

“So this is pretty normal? Knowing someone for a week and then proposing?”

“For some. For Chappu and I, we thought we had plenty of time. We were both accomplished fighters, and we were sensible. There was no reason to rush. I don’t like having regrets, or wondering what things would have been different if I had made another choice. The past is the past. But, other people might have the right idea in rushing.”

“So...yes?”

“Are you that eager?” She smirked.

“I don’t know! I never thought about getting married. I thought, hey, someday, if I meet the right girl...I didn’t exactly have a great example of domestic bliss in my own life. But it was something to think about when I was older. Now was for partying, flirting with the cute fans, getting my game right!” He sighed. “At least it was, until I came here. Now it’s surviving, and being prepared to take the hit for her. I...don’t even want to play blitzball anymore.”

“So you’ve talked to the others?”

“Yeah. Got a hard no, a vague back pat, and a ‘it doesn’t matter.’”

She scoffed. “Men. Well? What do you want? Yuna gave you the choice.”

“But do I choose what I want, or what’s right?”

“They aren’t the same answer?”

“I...honestly don’t know.”

—

They arrived at the Al Bhed inn in the evening when the sun was still high. Tidus found it greatly satisfying to see Auron not putting up with the blatant racism from Wakka, and they took out rooms for the night. One cramped room for the guys, and one for the girls.

How would that work if he and Yuna got married? Would Lulu still stay in the room? Would she get one of her own?

It was crazy that he was even thinking about it. This wasn’t the kind of person he was. How many marriage proposals did he get daily from random girls back in Zanarkand? Dozens.

And how often did he entertain the idea of agreeing? Not once. Sure, he soaked in the thrill and flattery of it all, but not one of those girls had made him consider taking a vow.

So what was it with Yuna? He’d known her a little over a week, and most of that week was met with hostile glances from the other guardians.

But she was so easy to want to protect, to want to talk to, and to be around.

And maybe, even easy to lo—

Mm, maybe he wasn’t there yet. He definitely liked her though. But marriage!?

Sleep didn’t come easy. He was certainly physically tired, after saving Yuna from being kidnapped that morning, playing a game of Blitz, and the fight with all the fiends after…

But his mind was a wreck. For a little bit, he thought he might have had a dream—or rather, a nightmare. His old man, huge and bloated and horrible, writhing like the monster he had seen as Sin. Yuna stood near, her blue eye filled with ice, her green with fire. And she stared right at him, face unreadable with the neutral, emotionless summoner facade she always had to wear.

“You would have your wife kill your father? How could you be so cruel?”

And then he woke up.

Auron was gone, though Wakka and Kimahri were asleep on the other side of the room. After that disturbing vision, he doubted he would be getting any sort of sleep for a while. So he rose, and went outside to see if he could find Auron.

The sun was setting. Auron stood just outside the Inn, watching Yuna who sat in the grass, cliff side.

They hadn’t talked since the proposal. Things were too awkward, and he still didn’t have an answer for her.

It seemed like Auron didn’t care, as he shoved him forward.

Tidus pinwheeled before he could fall on his face, though the sound caught Yuna’s attention and she turned to look at him.

“Uh--howdy?”

She smiled at him. “Couldn’t sleep either?”

“Nah, not really. Can I join you?”

She patted the grass beside her, and he sat carefully, keeping a little distance between them.

Several moments passed in silence as Yuna stared out at the sunset. “It’s so pretty.”

“Yeah. Real peaceful.”

“I’d love to live in a place like this…someday. Someplace where everything seems calm and beautiful.”

“It’s much different from back home.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…my Zanarkand never sleeps…or slept. People coming and going all night long, businesses open all the time, lights replacing the moon and stars. It was a different kind of beauty.”

“I’d like to see it. At least once.”

“Maybe you will. Who knows?”

“Yeah…who knows?”

They sat in silence, that was not unpleasant, for a few minutes, before Tidus began, awkwardly. “I’ve been thinking about your proposal. I don’t have an answer for you yet. And for that, I’m really sorry.”

She shook her head. “Don’t be. I sprung it on you. Feel free to think things through.”

“Thank you. I was telling Lulu…back home, marriage wasn’t even in the realm of possibilities. It was all partying and Blitzball. Since coming here, I’ve had to reframe my mind.”

She suddenly gasped. “I didn’t even think to ask you! You don’t have a girl waiting for you back in Zanarkand, do you?”

He groaned, but then laughed. “I mean, I guess I did. But I probably would have broken up with her when I got back anyway.”

“I’m so sorry! Did you love her?”

He shook his head. “Janni was…a girl I was in school with. She asked me out. Or, she declared that we were now dating. This was before I went pro with Blitzball, when I was just playing with my school. I was shy and nervous, and when she asked me out, I was like, ‘yeah sure! I’ll date a pretty girl!’” He huffed. “She was a whirlwind of dysfunction. Not that I come from a wholesome family, but…she would always play these mind games with me. When I first went pro, she was excited for me, but then quickly turned around and said I wasn’t paying enough attention to her. Then when I would try to do nice things for her, she would claim I was being too clingy.”

“She sounds fickle,” Yuna said, with her mouth scrunched up.

“There was a phrase where I come from, that goes: ‘don’t stick your dick in crazy’.”

Yuna blushed. “They speak about sex so openly in Zanarkand?”

“Depending on the company you keep. Anyways, I never slept with her, even though I know she wanted to, just because I got this sinking feeling that something bad would happen if I did. So, she would often break up with me, and go see another man. Then when that didn’t work out, she came back and demanded that we were together again.”

“And you just went with it?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty dumb...we were both immature, and I made plenty of mistakes too, but I just felt like I had invested so much time with her already, that refusing her would have made all of that a waste.”

Yuna sniffed slightly as her lip trembled. “That’s so awful.”

“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have brought her up! I know you said you liked me...”

She shook her head. “That’s not it. I’m heartbroken that someone would take advantage of you like that. That she just...assumed you’d be waiting for her, so she could fool around! That’s cruel!”

He sighed. “I don’t know why, but hearing you say that makes me feel a lot better.”

“Tidus, you deserve to be loved and cherished.” She said it so seriously, he felt it in his chest. It made it hard to swallow.

“Thank you, Yuna. You do too, you know?”

She just gave him a soft smile and returned her gaze to the rapidly disappearing sun.

#Final Fantasy X #FFX #tidus x yuna #final fantasy tidus #tidus #yuna #Final Fantasy #fanfiction #I Do I guess

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alorenawrites · 3 years

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Thoughts on Loki, Gender, Sex, and Identity

So...I've seen a few posts on transphobia embedded in Loki and I wanted to examine my own thoughts on this a bit. I'm not going to dig too deeply, just hit on a few of my thoughts on the matter regarding my own positionality as a demisexual, demiromantic, bisexual, nonbinary, gender funky human.

To begin, my own relationship to sex and gender is complicated, based on my own experiences. I'm fine with people not having this same interpretation because of differences in experience and I'm not going to sit around and listen to anyone bombarding me with statements about how wrong they think I am. Go write a post with relevance to your own experience and please don't shit on mine. The purpose of this is to share my own thoughts on this matter, not to get into an argument. I have enough real-world stress regarding these things and don't need them on Tumblr as well.

I've seen the argument that Loki is gender fluid and it is wrong to say he is sex fluid or that sex fluidity is a way to undercut or deny the validity of gender fluidity. I don't see it this way. To begin, we don't actually see Loki display gender fluidity, even though shape-shifting is clearly within his skill set. MCU Loki shifts into Sif once in The Dark World, but other than that, there is little evidence outside of his word at this. I know those creating this story did refer to him as gender fluid, but I question whether those who stand outside that fluidity might not be as well-versed in how gender fluidity comes in a myriad of experiences. I am fine with the idea that perhaps Loki still uses traditionally male pronouns while in other shapes. I am not considering comic interpretations of Loki in this, as there are so many different storylines that I think they would be hard to sum up into this character. And it is fine if you don't see this the same way.

In myth, when Loki transforms into a maiden during the marriage of "Freya" (Thor in disguise) to Thrym, the book I reference (Neil Gaiman's retellings of the myths) does, at one point, refer to Loki as "he." When the mythological Loki transforms into the mare to lure the horse Svadilfari away from the builder of their wall, the references to the mare indicate "she" (and it is worth noting that in this retelling, the mare is never referred to as Loki by name), but when Loki returns he is referred to using male pronouns yet still as Sleipnir's mother.

In the television show, Loki's file lists his sex as fluid. As gender and sex are entirely separate, I took this into consideration as a part of what defines a Loki- they may change physical sex. I did not see an entry for gender on the file. I may have missed it. But to me, the lack of listing gender and the inclusion instead of sex leads me to believe that the TVA doesn't much care for the gender of a variant, but rather the body in which they are most likely to inhabit. In this case, it would seem that knowing if a Loki is more likely to appear as a physical type without regard to pronouns or gender might be considered more important data than gender identity and pronouns. I examine this as someone who has to handle grant data that requires a sex marker in the demographics- not a gender identity, but an assigned-at-birth or otherwise legally documented sex.

I don't see these two things as mutually exclusive or an erasure of one another. I would see it as a way for the TVA to try to classify a variant without regards to any sort of identity. After all, if Lokis are destined for pruning, who cares how they see themselves? It's not like they are going to have an extended conversation with them- process them, judge them, prune them.

In the context of the Lokis we meet, and the note that they haven't met a female Loki, I do wonder why they haven't met one yet. Is it because they don't catch every Loki that comes through? Is it because they themselves have only ever experienced being Loki as men and and haven't assumed otherwise? I don't know. But I don't see it as impossible to explain, either. How many Loki variants have come through? And how many haven't survived? We don't see every variant in the Void that we see in Mobius' briefing holograms. Who didn't make it, and who is missing? Yes, the comment that she "sounds terrifying" could be read as incredibly sexist, but at the same time...Lokis grew up with stories of the Valkyrie, powerful warrior women who they likely looked at with awe, wondering why these towers of strength were no longer with them. The Valkyrie predate them and are mythic figures- we see how Thor reacts to meeting one of these warriors in Ragnarok. Given that this line comes from Loki the Elder, someone who leans into the power of sorcery and the capabilities of magic, wouldn't it make sense that the combination of these skills would seem terrifying? A warrior of the legendary capabilities of the Valkyrie combined with the might of a Loki sorcery? I mean, I'd probably think the same thing, and I think this is possibly one reason why the variant Loki we come to know would agree with him- she has been jumping through time, surviving apocalypses that likely terrify him, enchanting anyone she needs to use, and she can run circles around him. Given the tonal shift in the delivery of the line "and she needs me," I interpret this as the blustering Loki does when he wants to feel more important than he really is- he's trying to justify why he needs to find her to someone else (and possibly to himself) instead of just saying it's because he cares deeply about her and wants to know what the hell that means. Sylvie can clearly take care of herself and doesn't really need rescue. He wants to feel important enough to go back and to convince the others he is as well. That she could render him irrelevant is something that would be terrifying to someone who craves attention and affirmation.

Mobius says that the most common iterations of Lokis look like the one standing before him, yet Loki does encounter a variant file from California in the early 20th century that refers to Sylvie. So the TVA knows that there is a rare chance that a sex fluid Loki could exist (and they have, presumably, pruned them). While I wish this had been explored further, I don't necessarily see it as a transphobic intent. Did it resonate that way with some people? Yes. And that's fine. Their feelings on the matter are valid.

Another element of my interpretation of this comes from my own experiences of gender expression. Most of the time during which I have been out as nonbinary, people have read my gender as a woman. I like my long dresses and I have an extensive collection of vintage women's clothing. I also have a decent collection of corsets and well-tailored suits that fit my body type. I don't bind my chest. My hair varies from very short to as long as it will grow (not far past my shoulders). I occasionally wear eyeshadow, regardless of what gender I am on any given day. I very rarely read masculine and when I feel neutral, I still don't bother to alter my body shape, only sometimes choosing a bra or bra tank top that decentuates my curves (which, granted, aren't dramatic). So the concept of a gender fluid individual choosing gendered pronouns and reading as male during the (relatively short) time in his lifespan during which the audience knows him doesn't seem odd to me, as it is how I've existed (and I, too, used gendered pronouns for a few years on my nonbinary journey- they were a default while I searched for something that suited me better). But I have known nonbinary people who have exclusively used gendered pronouns and it does not invalidate their gender identity, nor does gendered expressions of that identity. The concept that we would only see a male presenting Loki doesn't seem very odd because I have lived a stretch of my life during which I, too, presented a very femme gender expression and used traditionally female pronouns. But that did not make me less nonbinary.

And, of course, this is assuming that gender fluidity is part of his identity, which we are never told in the text of the story. I reject that everything a creator says must be added to the text of a piece of media simply because the piece also has to stand on its own and be interpreted on that level as well. We do know that Loki shifts sex, which makes sense for someone who shifts bodies, as sex is tied more to bodies than gender is.

The point in this is that we can't assume the gender of a fictional character, just as we can't assume from appearance the gender of a living human. I may read as a woman, but this is not my gender identity and no one should be assuming that my clothes are meant to project gender. Reducing gender to an outward and bodily expression of sex is not something with which I am comfortable, and it seems that some people are conflating the two in their interpretation. Again, your experiences may differ from mine and it's fine to see this in another way.

But here's another very important thing this show can demonstrate. Allow an anecdote. My children watched this show with me. My son is nearly 7, my daughter a few months from being 10. She is very femme- loves makeup, frilly dresses, dolls, princesses, My Little Pony, the whole shebang of activities stereotypically associated with the childhood of girls. At this point in her life, she very much asserts that she is a girl. The same goes for my son- he very much asserts himself as a boy. When we were watching together, we talked about Loki being gender fluid, just like their Mum. We talked about Loki being bisexual, just like their Mum. They understood that just because Loki looks one way, it doesn't mean he is that way...again, just like their Mum. There is power in the idea that some of us are in this same position- we are assumed to be cisgender based on our appearances, but our identities are more complex than that. I thought this was a good window for my children to see through and one I could turn into a teachable moment about all the different sorts of people there are in this world. This is the blessing of imperfect media- we can find ways to learn from it and to share opportunities in it for open interpretation with those around us. And the lesson of not jumping to conclusions about gender or sex based on appearance is a deeply important one for young children to understand.

Is this an area in which I have a problem with the show? No. Does this mean the show couldn't have done more or better? Also no. We do need a variety of types of representation. But seeing the possibilities of this being someone a little more like me (though alas, I can't shift shape)? That was nice.

Hopefully we can see more of this in the future, but if we don't, we can create transformative works to fill in the gaps. It's what fan communities have always done and will continue to do. When I fell into fandom years ago with Harry Potter, long before the movies were all out, so many works were there to add queerness, racial diversity, language diversity, disability representation, all of it, into the series. It didn't stop us from still enjoying what it meant to us in those times and places and I don't think we have to outright reject this show for the imperfections we see in it. It can still thrill us and speak to something in us we've been lacking.

And in my case, that is the affirmation of wearing traditionally gender coded clothes while still asserting my pronouns are ze/zir/zirs and my gender is nonbinary, though also gender fluid, gender optional, or gender funky and that my oft-assumed-to-be-hetero relationship makes me no less bi or any other piece of my complex relationship to sexual orientation (and sharing that affirmation with my kids).

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heyyouknowbts · 3 years

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Shipping BTS members is cultural misunderstanding & projection

Long post, text post, the kind of post I don’t normally post post.

Just some thoughts I needed to get out. I don’t consider fanfics with ships as being relevant to this, because there is that inherent assumption on account of the word fiction, lol. And in before I use ships as part of my BTS as Florida man series; they’re never meant to be taken seriously. A lot of times I changed the gender from a headline or made it gender neutral for the memes.

I am really amazed in general about the stories people make up about BTS members and the narratives that get pushed in the fandom that have 0 basis in truth but someone took 2 crumbs from a grainy photo or some fake captions and tweeted it out and here we are.

The way BTS members have grown over the years to freely express physical affection for one another has been repeatedly misinterpreted by some fans as them being gay lovers, and it’s to the point where many elevate them as “gay icons”. That is problematic for lots of reasons, mainly that none of them are openly gay, the members themselves have expressed they do not appreciate being shipped, and it requires speculation on the sexuality/relationship status of public figures we don’t know at all.

Korean culture is extremely conservative, and while BTS members have been shown to be progressive in their perspectives on lgbt+ rights and issues by comparison, that is not the same as actually coming out as gay, nor should it be interpreted as a subtle nod/wink to hint at their sexuality. There is also a lot of, “Well, [Member] had this one gender-ambiguous comment about relationships so they MUST be gay or bisexual,” or, “[Member] wearing a rainbow omgggggg.” It’s pure projection/speculation that is being pushed and packaged into a narrative, and some fans are accepting that as truth.

This falls into that broader category of magical thinking that is incredibly common due to our inability to psychologically cope with the rapid developments in technology that have changed every aspect of our lives. We have easy access to so much information, more than we ever have in human history, and despite that people are constantly seeking out delusions, lies, and conspiracies. Those delusions and conspiracies are pushed out as truth, and people deeply internalize these beliefs and reject anything that contradicts them. There is a suspension of disbelief involved when people read and see things online that I won’t go into detail about because I don’t want to write all day, but it’s key for understanding why people can latch on and believe this stuff to be true. Ever wonder why suddenly there are so many people who believe the Earth is flat? Or why Trump was able to do what he did, despite most people hating him and him being completely incompetent and narcissistic? Anti-vaxxers? Covid deniers? Welcome to the age of magical thinking, we live in it. (Creepy side note, the Unabomber predicted people would start behaving this way and wrote about it in his 1995 manifesto.)

Anyway, back to the shipping and cultural misunderstandings. I feel it needs to be said that I am not Korean, and my experiences with Korean culture consist of several friendships from childhood through high school where I spent time in the homes of my Korean friends, several visits to Korea while my parents lived there (plus their experiences living there as told to me), and then of course my experiences with Korean popular culture (mainly dramas and K-pop). My perspective is still very much that of a western outsider, but as an outsider I think I see where the misunderstanding is for a lot of people.

Koreans (generally) are more affectionate in same-sex friendships. It is socially acceptable to touch your friends, to show physical affection towards your friends in public, and even to be naked around your friends (see public bath culture in Korea). Verbal expressions of affection between male friends, saying things like, “I love you,” and “I miss you” to a friend is not only socially acceptable, but common.

This is a stark contrast to western culture, where men physically touching other men in any way that isn’t assault/aggression is treated as a threat to masculinity and/or an assumption of homosexuality. Most men feel they cannot express affection towards their male friends, as they have been socially conditioned into believing it will emasculate them in some way. This is changing and many men are rejecting that social norm, but it’s glacial change. When people view BTS members’ affections for one another through the western, homophobic lens, it can be easy to misinterpret that these men are lovers, forbidden, hidden, or not. And whether any of them actually are or not is irrelevant. We don’t know, and we can’t know, and anything beyond that is projection.

There is also idol culture at play, where there is a false sense of intimacy created between fans & the artist. We feel like we know them better than we do; that’s purely by design. I appreciate the affection BTS members have for us as fans and what they are willing to share about themselves with us, but I don’t treat that as if I actually know them. However, that line can get really blurry, really fast for fans.

Idk I just get creeped out by some of the shipping content I see. I’m thinking of the really weird photoshopping that people do to pictures of the members, zooming in on “details” of them touching each other in photos and videos and building these creepy narratives around them, that kind of stuff bugs me.

All of this was inspired by this Reddit post about Taekook shipping conspiracies, and how there is this pocket of shippers who actively hate Jimin and try to push this weird, false narrative of him antagonizing and interfering in their relationship. I’ve seen stuff about Jimin getting unnecessary hate before, but this just really irritates me. If you made it this far into my babbling, thank you friend :]

#galaxy brain

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forkanna · 3 years

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[AO3] [WATTPAD]

WARNING: Rise's views and Ai's views on the LGBT community, and especially those of other characters in this work of fiction, do not always line up with those of the author. Please do your own research! The more you understand, the better our world will be.

CHAPTER WARNING: Bulimia.

NOTE: Happy New Year! Welcome to my particularly long and exhaustive crackship tome that literally no one asked for! What else is new, right? The first scene of this chapter is almost entirely copy-pasted from my other P4 fanfiction, "We'll Face Ourselves", though I tried to spruce it up and shift perspective so it doesn't feel like quite so much rehash. I thought it served as a nice lead-in to this story, with some added focus on the new ship. The second half of this chapter and the rest of the fic is all-new, don't worry. The "Golden" is more a reference to it being additional "dlc" for my other fic, not to me specifically focusing on Marie or any such content exclusive to P4G. Apologies if this dashes anyone's expectations but I hope you enjoy the fic regardless!

As for anyone wishing for that fic to debut... you know the one... well, all things in time. Soon, I promise. In the meantime, check me out at jxsleator dot carrd dot co !

Jessex

PROLOGUE

Once upon a time, in the quaint town of Inaba… a minstrel girl and a stubborn princess fought over a handsome prince. Very briefly.

"Can't you give me a little kiss goodbye?" the minstrel pulled back to look up into the boy's stoic face, her large doe eyes shining with tears — on purpose. She was a top notch minstrel, after all. "Something to keep me from… from dying from missing you?"

"Oh please," the quiet innkeeper muttered under her breath with a begrudging smile.

However, the prince obliged the minstrel girl with a kindly kiss upon the forehead. She was in awe of his tenderness. Right up until…

"Excuse me? What do you think you're doing, you bitch?!"

The others pulled back to see royalty approaching, hands on her hips. A truly glamorous princess indeed, even though her regal vestments weren't nearly as radiant as they had been in days past. The ever-present lacy pink turtleneck lived underneath a cardigan today rather than her school uniform.

"What is who doing?" the pouting siren protested, clinging a little tighter to her prince's arm.

"You! Little trollop!" The flawless beauty stomped over to the two of them, honey-brown waves bouncing as she got right up in the singer's face. "Take your greedy little paws off my boyfriend!"

The idol stamped her foot and snapped, "HEY! I don't see your name on him anywhere!"

The prince gulped and began to back away. "Uh…"

"Really?" the princess scoffed. "What makes you think you have any claim to him, slut puppy? He went to the festival with me — and spent Christmas Eve with me, too! And for your goddamn information, we got pretty close!"

Though the siren was comely, and manipulative toward many of the young suitors in the land, it was in playful jest; she did consider them friends but couldn't seem to suppress her womanly wiles, so she flirted for sport. Alas, the princess wounded her deeply with such words; her lip wobbled at the princess's declarations, even though that may have been for show.

"Senpai, say that's not true! How could you, when I… I let you… you know!"

"Hey, it doesn't count when I'm just sitting there and you plop your butt down on my hand," the prince said reasonably. "And Ai-chan, we hugged a little; please don't tease her by making it sound like more."

The prince's pair of suitresses were chagrined. The princess seemed a little more genuinely hurt than her rival for his attentions but neither were particularly happy with being called out.

"Whew," the flop-haired jester exhaled, wiping his brow. "Don't know how you get away with it, juggling two chicks like that."

"That's not…" The prince sighed, shaking his head as he facepalmed. "Maybe I'm glad to be leaving."

But in truth, he was not. Nor was anyone else present. As they alternately squabbled and lamented the prince's parting, other classmates and citizens of Inaba began to approach to wish him bon voyage. He really had left an impression in the short year he had lived there. When the train whistle signalled that it was about to pull away, the bickering came to an end so they could truly see their friend off. A lot of tearful hugs and well wishes were offered before the prince was inside, looking out the window at them as it pulled away from the station. They ran after him all the way to the end of the platform until they ran out of space, then stood waving after him until the train was completely out of sight.

And thus the prince's tale gave way to another. One about a minstrel who had lost her way and found it again, and a princess who had not always known she was a princess at all.

-------------------------------

CHAPTER ONE

"I just… he really left," Rise Kujikawa finally sobbed now that the click-clack sounds of the train had faded into the distance.

"Geez, turn it off already," Yosuke Hanamura sighed as he clasped his hands behind his neck, pressing his floppy hair hard against his neck. They turned away to start toward home or wherever the night might take them. "You don't have to keep up the act when he's not even here."

"Act?!" She shoved him from behind, and he stumbled a couple of steps as his arms windmilled out to the sides, attempting to regain his balance. "Not cool, Hanamura! I am grieving the death of my relationship!"

"What relationship?" Kanji Tatsumi grunted.

"Boys, you could be a little more sensitive," Yukiko Amagi told them in an even, reasonable tone. She was dabbing at her eyes like everyone else, and leaning a little more heavily than usual on her best friend, Chie Satonaka, but she seemed to be maintaining her composure better than Rise could manage. "We're all going to miss him so much."

"I'm just trying to get Rise to wake up," Yosuke persisted anyway. "She's delusional. We all know Nakamura was trying to scam on that chick at the hospital."

"What?"

"You know. The nurse. Though I think she moved away…"

Kanji cleared his throat. "Actually, I… thought that woman with the kid was his squeeze. Y'know, the one that came up to him a minute ago?"

Chie squeaked, "He was doing what with who?! That's… why? Why chase a married woman?!"

"Oh, I thought it was one of you girls."

The group of them turned to blink at the girl from the drama club. "Who are you again?" Yosuke asked — very rudely, even though they were all thinking it.

"Yumi Ozawa," she said softly with a slight bow. "He gave me a great deal of help when I was dealing with my own family problems, you know. And… well, I revealed I had feelings for him, and he shut me down. Just said he wanted to remain friends, and it's hard to argue with that, isn't it?"

While Chie and Yukiko were chattering to her about that, the boys suffering through a "girly" conversation they had no interest in, the slightly jealous Rise found herself momentarily distracted. Everyone kept moving along as she slowly came to a halt, turned her white sandals off to the side, and approached someone who looked like she could use her company. Even if she wasn't absolutely sure of that.

"You okay over here?"

"Oh… no, no, I'm fine. Mind your own goddamn business."

"Wooooow. I guess that's what I get for caring, huh?"

"Wait," Ebihara suddenly blurted, standing up from the bus stop bench and taking a couple of steps toward her. "All right, I may have been unnecessarily rude. I just have no idea why you would want to talk to me when I was your rival for Narukami's affections."

"Because you looked kind of pathetic over here, all by yourself."

"I did not! I'm not 'pathetic', I'm legitimately upset that my boyfriend left!"

"He wasn't your…" But at least she managed to cut herself off with a roll of her eyes, swallowing down the jab and instead moving to hold onto Ebihara's shoulder. Tears were already rolling down the teen queen's cheeks, and her voice was tight and strangled, as if she were fighting back tears — clearly a losing battle. "He could never stay here. We all kind of knew that, and just talked ourselves out of believing it. I'm so mad! But… I have to get over it."

Clearly shocked by her more reasonable response, the prissy girl took a moment longer to respond herself. By the time she did, she was looking down toward their shoes. "Completely ridiculous. Right? I should have known better, I… ugh, I'm so pissed at myself."

"Right?!" Rise still wanted to slap her for trying to steal the boy of her dreams, but it really felt irrelevant now. So instead she tried for her most convincing smile — which, considering her previous vocation, was extremely convincing — and said, "Hey, um, why don't you try getting to know us a little better? Might as well, since you'll have more time on your hands now."

"Sounds stupid." The words came out so fraught with emotion that they were nearly unintelligible, but Rise still understood. "But I have nothing better to do, so lead on."

However, the closer they drew to the remaining group of students, the more anxious the prima donna became. Rise didn't know why exactly — and she couldn't know until Ai cleared her throat to get their attention. She could tell Naoto had been deep in discussion with Yukiko and Chie, though not what about.

"Yes?" Yukiko prompted her in mild surprise.

"I… thought I should say… I am sorry." She swallowed hard, brows furrowed. The expression still made her look angry and snobby, despite her tone of voice being gentle now; she just had resting bitch face. "Probably too late. But I was really going through some things when I sidelined you two in Aiya, and being rude is second nature to me. Can't be the most stunning girl in school without it going to your head, can you?"

"You say that like I would ever know," Chie snorted.

"Right. And… normally I would be agreeing with you and belittling you, Bowl Cu- I mean, Satonaka. I have a lot of practice." Grimacing, she growled, "Got so used to being queen bitch that it's hard to just be nice."

After a brief silence, so awkward that it felt as if any sound would have been preferable, Yukiko laid a hand on Ai's arm, gentle and reassuring. "Please, Ai-san. We all have darkness inside of us; nobody is a perfect person. So I think it's very admirable you're seeing your flaws and that you're trying to improve. I am the same, and so are my friends."

"Oh yeah?" The girl let out a wet-sounding laugh; indeed, tears were budding at the corners of her eyes. "How the hell aren't you perfect, Miss Goody Two-Shoes? I mean… I've always been so jealous of how the boys talk about you. No 'buts'."

"No butts?!" Chie burst out. "What do you mean? She's got a GREAT butt!"

Ai chuckled a little more heartily at that. Naoto was the only one who tapped her chin while noticing Yukiko's slight blush from the compliment; the others weren't paying it any attention. "No, no, not her ass. Which — fine, sure, it's fantastic. I mean like, they describe both of us as really beautiful, or hot or whatever. Same words for both of us. But with me, it always had a 'but she's such a bitch', 'but she's stuck up', 'but she's psycho' attached. Yukiko… a couple of guys said you were snooty if you turned them down for a date, but the rest of them saw through that. You're a good woman and I'm just a good-looking woman. I did so much work to be beautiful so boys would like me, but I'm just… ugly on the inside."

Though clearly, Yukiko was about to speak up, Chie beat her to the punch. "So that's it, huh? You're pathetic."

"Excuse me?"

"C'mon, Ebihara. You're made of tougher stuff than that. Where's that girl who slammed her leg up on the table in Aiya and demanded we appreciate it?"

Though the teen queen had been firing up, being reminded of that moment in the diner made her squirm and fold her arms tightly over her chest. "That was stupid. Do you wanna know why I did that?" When Yukiko nodded, she pushed ahead, "Thing is, I was a... when I was little, I was nowhere near the adorable Ai you see before you now. Fat and hideous, got told I had pig hooves. So like, I'm sure it sounds really stupid to you guys, but having dainty little feet now is super amazing to me still."

"You were fat?!" Chie demanded, looking her up and down afresh. "No way! I call bullshit!"

"Yep, a total blimp. And I got hella teased because I didn't match up with their…" What a pregnant pause. "W-whatever. Yu already knows all this stuff, but pretty much I decided to reinvent myself when I found out we were moving to Inaba. Obviously it went to my head, but… at least I'm better now. Getting better all the time."

The rest of the Investigation Team was speechless. Rise, for her part, couldn't believe the superficial teen queen actually had some substance under that lip gloss. Certainly hadn't seemed that way when Ai basically bit her head off just for being at the shopping center with Narukami. Maybe he was the one responsible. After all, the stoic boy had touched all their lives, brought about an awakening of sorts to their inner beauty that they likely would never have found within themselves without him shedding that light. It just seemed to be one of his latent talents. Unsurprising that he had done the same for the entitled fashionista.

"There seems to be only one solution for this predicament," Naoto was stating firmly with a small nod, finger tapping her chin. "We must return to Aiya to remember our departed friend, and strengthen our bonds with each other."

"Oooh, a party!" Rise piped up with an excited little bounce, despite the light drizzle that was beginning to fall. "Yes please!"

"I guess that's a plan," Chie agreed as Rise, Kanji and Yosuke joined them. "What do you guys think? We catching the portal to the meat dimension?"

Grimacing, Yosuke demanded, "Do you have to call it that every time, Satonaka?! Geesh! Sounds super nasty."

"Bet you can't even handle it."

"Wha- OH YEAH?! BRING IT ON!"

~ o ~

"PHWOOOO! I can't even look at it anymore!"

The ragtag group of assorted teenagers, who would seemingly have nothing in common from an outsider's perspective, were all sitting back and holding their stomachs by now. It was almost painful how much meat was straining to escape the linings of their stomachs. Actually, it was painful for some of them.

"Yyyyeah," Rise groaned in agreement with Yukiko's statement, arms like wet noodles at her sides. "My… I'm pregnant… food baby…"

"Even I'm feeling it a little," Chie was chuckling as Rise staggered to her feet. "And normally I can demolish one of these no sweat!"

"Must be… getting old," Yosuke said as their voices began to fade into the background. She could hear Satonaka clapping back at him, but once the bathroom door shut she could no longer identify words, just noise.

In fact… there was a new noise filling the ladies' restroom. Not a pleasant one. Brow furrowing as her lip curled in disgust, she glanced at the bottoms of the stalls and saw a pair of designer shoes with their soles facing up.

"Is… are you okay… in there?"

"HRRK!" What a weird noise — but not nearly as weird as the sound of pronounced retching that followed. God, how disgusting! Maybe she should just backpedal out of the bathroom… but before she could act, there was some spitting, a clearing of the throat, and a strained tone calling out, "Mind your own business! Do you have to be so fucking nosey?!"

Oh no. "Wait — Ebihara?"

"Yes! And this isn't something I want anybody to…" Another gagging noise. "Ugh… you probably have an Aqua Balance on you, don't you, Risette?"

Her eye twitched. "Just because I did the commercials doesn't mean I have a bag full of them on me at all times, you know!" But she still hated to hear a girl in need, so she forced herself to continue, "Need me to hold your hair back?"

"No, I… I got it. Practice."

"Practice? Just how often do you toss your cookies?!"

Dead. Silence. When it had gone on for a few seconds too long to be normal, Rise began to sense she had broached a topic that Ebihara did not want broached. Her brow creased harder, and eventually she said in a meek voice, "I'll… go get you some water."

"Thanks."

She was so preoccupied as she hit the bar to get some ice water for the prissy girl that she didn't even comprehend the words of her friends calling out to her — though she couldn't even see Chie and Yukiko at the table anymore. The rest were probably asking her what she was doing. And what was she doing? Why was she helping this complete bitch who would never do the same thing for her? There was no doubt in her mind that Ebihara would have completely ignored her if she found her voiding her stomach in a public restroom. Might even have laughed at her. But she still remembered how distraught she looked when they said goodbye to their mutual love interest.

Maybe hanging out with the Investigation Team had revived the conscience of a jaded teen idol who had taken a brief hiatus from the spotlight. No, it definitely had done that; what was in question was whether or not the same could be said of Ebihara's willingness to open up to her peers.

"Okay, here," she sighed as she opened the door — and almost ran straight into the girl's face. "WHOA!"

"Shit!" Ai yelped as she took a step back, then patted down her chest. "You made my soul leave my body — what the hell are you doing?!"

"Bringing you water! Do you need to add a little ginkgo to your diet, Obaachan?! It's been like one minute since I told you!"

"Fuck your water! I'm gone, I don't need this!" And she actually tried to push past her.

"Wha- hey! No, you don't just get to run off like this!"

"Don't you tell me what I can and can't do, you cow! Now get your goddamn cankles and your crow's feet out of my fucking way!"

Holy shit. That was a lot of random venom. Rise knew already that she didn't have either of those things, but she still felt the sting regardless.

"I… was trying to help you, but fine. Go away." And she stepped to the side with a flip of one of her mauve-tinted pigtails. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out, brat."

What a mistake it had been to be nice to Ebihara. They were too much alike. Sure, Rise knew how to be polite, and was always warm and affectionate with her friends, but they both had the Bitch Gene and it ran strong through their veins. Ebi just led with that instead of saving it for people who deserved it.

She wasn't sure how long she had been standing there, looking stubbornly into the corner, before she felt the glass of water being taken from her fingers. She started to grab after it — instinct telling her she had dropped it and needed to catch it — until she saw Ai swishing it around in her mouth, then turning to spit into the sink.

"Oh," she breathed.

"What?" Ai grunted before she tipped the glass up again and started gulping it down. The lacy choker above her turtleneck bobbed with every swallow.

"Nothing, I just thought- I mean, did you leave and come back?"

Breathing a loud sigh as she set the glass down, she turned to glare at Rise. "Nosey. You ask too many questions all the time."

"I do not! They're really normal questions; you're just a bitch."

Her eyebrows furrowed, and her jaw tightened. Rise was absolutely positive she was about to give her a tongue lashing. But then she just snorted and shook her head, looking away.

"Wow. I don't know what I expected from Risette, but it wasn't you."

"I know," she began, making this up as she went along. "You either thought I would be completely spoiled and stuck up like you, or I would be such a goody-goody that I never had anything mean to say about anyone. Those are the two flavours of idols, right?"

Ebi smirked and pressed an open palm to the center of her chest. "I spoil myself. And I told you what I went through as a child; don't I deserve it? Isn't this my time to shine?"

"Not if it means you piss off everyone around you while shining. That's just selfish, you know. Don't you care about anyone but yourself?"

"No. Why should I? They don't care about me." Her haughty tone turned bitter. "Nobody in Inaba. Not anymore."

Most of her ire fading, she said, "You gotta put yourself out there. This whole time we've been at Aiya, you barely said a word. I actually forgot you were here until I heard you puking your guts out."

"See my point? The boys who idolize me are the only ones that remember I exist. And even them… I know they don't care about me as a person. They just keep hoping a strong breeze will show them a little flash of my panties."

"No, that's not right. I'm trying to tell you that it's your fault."

"Excuse me?"

"How are we supposed to get to know you if you just hang in the background and never say anything? That doesn't-"

"Look, I don't need to take this," Ebi sighed with a roll of her hazel eyes. "At this point, I just want to go home and be alone. Is that allowed? Or are you going to block the door again?"

Rise's lips thinned in frustration. It wasn't worth it. She didn't want to keep banging her head against this brick wall anymore. So she didn't even say a word; just turned her back on Ebi before she said something particularly nasty.

"Thanks for the water," the other girl offered shortly as she strode out through the door. And that really was it.

"At least she thanked me," she muttered to herself as she finally took her place in one of the stalls to do her business. But in the back of her mind, she couldn't help but replay those conversations over and over in her head.

Because none of that blustering truly hid the fact that Ai Ebihara was in pain. And if nobody did anything about it, Rise was almost dead certain she was heading for disaster.

-------------------------------

To Be Continued…

#We'll Face Ourselves #ai ebihara #rise kujikawa #rise/ai #forkanna writes #persona 4 fanfiction #p4 fanfic #persona 4 #jess the writer

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poison-bimbo · 3 years

Text

I’ve taken a break from tumblr because there has been so much going on in my life.

But knowing that telling my deepest emotions/feelings to the unknown abyss that tumblr is helps me express myself, so here I am.

If any of this post resonates with you, please like or re-blog it as it helps me know that I’m not going through this alone.

This passage is my story, the story I’ve never fully told, the story which has caused me so much trauma and has profoundly hurt me.

This is my story.

At the start of this year I turned 18, and tbh it was honestly one of my worst birthdays. Everyone in my family was in a shitty mood and was yelling at me, telling me they wish I wasn’t here and it was an effort to get them to even come to my party. I can’t express enough how much this hurt me as I have a sister who is 2 years older than me and when it was her 18th everyone wore rose-tinted glasses and gave her the perfect birthday. The issue is that there is a clear divide between how my family treats my sister and how they treat me. My friends and other people who are not apart of the family have noticed this, and agree with me that there is a clear difference with how they treat her and me. In 2019 I found out that my dad cheated on my mum with multiple women, what makes this worse is that I found the messages. My mum was overseas at the time and I had to hold on to this information for 3 months until she returned, if you couldn’t tell, holding onto that kind of information without being able to tell anyone was hell. So after 3 months of legit hell I told my mum and my sister (I would come to regret this decision.) My sister who don’t forget is older than me, would carry on and used dad cheating on mum as a way to get attention. So mum took her to therapy, gave her massages before she went to be each night (I know wtf), would make her breakfast in bed, buy her whatever she wants. Meanwhile, me who actually found the messages and held on to them for 3 months and didn’t have anyone to talk to was left in the dust, mum never asked me if I wanted a therapist, never made me breakfast in bed or took me on shopping sprees. The point is that I never felt supported for going through that shit, and when I asked mum why she hasn’t asked if I’m ok she said “because your sister is a girl and girls need more support then men do.” This honestly didn’t surprise me because it’s true that men are normally left in the dark when it comes to mental crisis’s. When mum told dad that she knew about what he did the stupid bitch told him “your son found the messages” putting me in danger and shifting the responsibility for me to deal with it. He never accepted what he did or even acknowledges it, except for the time when he said ‘I did it because your a bastard child’. Mum just goes about her life as if it never happened and try’s to forget about it. Whenever I bring it up and ask her to do something or tell him to apologise to the family or just move out she just says “I don’t want to speak about it, are you trying to hurt me?” To which I always reply “No, but don’t you understand? you pretending that it never happened, hurts me so deeply because your basically disregarding what I went through and how much pain it caused me.” So basically moving forward to now and mum still pretends it never happened. She still doesn’t care when I tell her it hurts me when she ignores the issue, and that it says to me that what I went through is irrelevant.

For the first time today I’ve realised that what is going on at home constantly is domestic violence. I used to think that domestic violence is just for physical assault but upon calling lifeline (a hotline for when you have no one else to tell) the emergency support therapist informed me domestic/family violence includes verbal and mental abuse, and from what I told her she said “I’m definitely being mentally and verbally abused. If you are still skeptic about the severity of what I’m going through here are a few things I have been told by my parents in my lifetime:

“Just because we’re genetically related doesn’t mean that I’m your dad or want you as a son” -Dad

After telling mum that I was being bullied profusely and the school wasn’t taking action she replied “the school is always right” -Mum

“We should of never had you” -Dad

“You’re the reason I cheated” -Dad

When I felt so alone and wanted to K!ll myself I told mum “If you don’t change and start being more attentive and actually listen to what is going on in my life I will k!ll myself.” To which she replied “you could never do it” and never followed up how I was going.

My parents and grandparents paid for my sister move out of home after she finished high-school and bought her a $3000 dog to “keep her company” (wasn’t her birthday.) They pay her bills and rent (She’s 20 lol.) So I asked my parents and grandparents if they would do the same and they said no.

There is so much shit going on in my life between having family violence during lockdowns, lockdowns, bullying, mental abuse, feeling isolated and just feeling not wanted. But I’m still here because I have a purpose now, to prove them wrong, to prove I’m not going to let them win, to prove that I’m stronger than they will ever be.

This is my Story

Thank you for taking the time to read this passage, please if you or anyone else is going through anything similar and are struggling with finding support please don’t hesitate to call these numbers (Australia-only):

Lifeline 13 11 14

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Suicide callback service 1300 659 467

The MindSpot Clinic 1800 61 44 34

Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800

Free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25

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theonetheycallhannah · 4 years

Text

A Mage’s Beginning-Part Two

Summary: Anathema and Geralt continue their evening together learning more about each other and Anathema makes a big decision...but not a very difficult one, in the end.

Pairing: Geralt/OFC (Anathema of Velena)

Word Count: 4742

Rating/Warnings: E for language, mature themes and situations, smut, smutty smut.

Part One here

Inspiration: Same as part one, just taking things to a sexy place in part two.

Author’s Note: So, here’s where things get steamy, friends! I’ve gotten explicit in some places, but in others, I decided to let you use your imaginations. (One of my favorite sayings, after all is “I don’t have a dirty mind, i have a sexy imagination!” lol!”)

Tag List: @sunflowersstan @mylittlepartofthegalaxy @mstgsmy @lareinedususpense @geekycanuck @lunedelorient and @littlefreya Please let me know if you want to be tagged or if you want me not to tag you in things! I will not be offended!

"I don't recall saying I'd mind sharing a cozy space with you, Ana." He used the short form of her name and it sent shivers through her. Only her closest friends and Tissaia ever used that name, and she was fine to let Geralt be among that elite.

"I assumed…"

"Mmm, bad idea, assuming. Haven't you heard?" As if to punctuate the joke, he stroked her ass.

"Geralt, I…"

"Don't. Don't lie to me. Just as you can sense a witcher, I can tell when someone wants me. I can smell the change in their bodies. Hear it in their pulse. See it in the dilation in their pupils and the blush of their skin. You can't hide it, Ana." He spoke all of these utterly irrelevant and obvious words in his guttural growl. All sounding like variations of his signature "mmm."

"Geralt, no, that's not what I mean. You're completely right about all of that, of course. But that's not why I hesitate now."

He looked at her, apparently concerned that he was dangerously near his word cap for the day.

"I'm very attracted to you. I won't deny it. But I'm not…I haven't. Fuck how can I even get into this at my age?"

"If it's something I need to know, like a disease, or something, don't mince around it."

God he was thick. The thickest. His thighs had nothing on that skull of his. Nothing but a canon was getting through it. For all his insight into other more physical things, how could he not sense something like this?

"I've never been with a man, you dolt." she rolled her eyes. The moment seemed to wither with their libidos. A virgin. How could she still be a virgin. It wasn't even a question. It was an accusation. A criminal charge.

He scowled, shook his head, something like a whinnying horse, and replied, "Fuck does that matter?" and he kissed her deeply and warmly. Firmly but tenderly. She started to bend to him. She would do this if he was willing to take her. But wait. Her sanity prevailed.

"Wait, wait, Geralt." she said around his lips and tongue. She still felt drugged. Damn, she could have done that for hours.

"Haven't you waited long enough, little mage?" he went for her mouth again, but she put up her hands to his chest to firmly protest.

"Yes. I have. I really want this. I promise, I do, but…I'm going to want to take things slowly. I don't know what to expect." Her hands were shaking against that cliff face of a chest he had. He took them in his, folding them together as if in prayer, and began to kiss them.

"In short, pleasure." he breathed out a laugh. He was sure of himself. She rolled her eyes. "We can go at your pace and I'll talk you through everything. We can take all night. Or several nights, if you like. Just know that I'm not bothered at all by this. I'm actually honored. I feel…privileged. You have nothing to fear from me. I only want for us to enjoy ourselves together." he pulled her back out into the main area in the tent and sat her on the chaise lounge near the top where the back and arm were.

"We are just going to kiss for now. Okay? If you want me to do more, just…move my hands wherever you want them. And talk to me about how you're doing. I don't want to hurt you. But I might by accident if you don't tell me when I start to." she nodded that she understood. That wasn't enough for him. "Tell me that you understand."

"I will tell you if you start to hurt me or if I need you to stop." she expressed, adding the bit about stopping on her own. They were sat next to one another, his hand resting behind her on the low-sloping arm of the lounge, bracing him. She thought he seemed a bit nervous, too. His other hand lifted her chin so he could better view her face. His touch was surprisingly gentle for his size, profession, and the way he spoke. His next words were the biggest shock yet.

"You are so terribly lovely, Anathema." her eyes focused on him in that moment of vulnerable expression. Why was it so exposing to tell someone that fact about themselves? Why did it seem to say so much about you? She had trouble reciprocating the compliment, even though she felt it…by the gods, did she ever feel it. She could only manage tearful gratitude. She couldn't remember being told of her beauty. Even after her ascension. After she truly saw it. "You really are. These eyes of yours. I'm lost in them." he leaned in to envelope her mouth in another kiss. This one, only her third ever, was gentle and measured, and didn't press for entry as the previous one had. He was content like this. And it was splendid. He kissed well, with his hand bracing her nape to maintain the proper pressure. She turned her body to him. She wanted to touch him. One arm found his back and smoothed the fabric of his tunic over the warm granite of his sinew. The other landed lightly, and she thought, harmlessly on his leg near his knee. She heard him inhale sharply through the nose and groan into her mouth, increasing pressure on her lips.

She knew this meant he needed more of her. And she was beginning to feel the same. She parted her lips for him. His tongue entered tentatively, but quickly became right at home. She wasn’t expecting him to be so…active. So nimble. He was tasting every inch of her mouth. Inside and out. Lapping, nipping, and kissing around her mouth to tease her. It was working. She was giggling and he followed suit.

“That laugh. It takes me to a better time and place. It’s the most magical thing about you. And it’s all you.” What was he doing to her!? She pulled him in again, needing his mouth. She swung her leg around the other side of the chaise so that Geralt was essentially sitting between her knees. She shimmied closer. She wanted his arms around her. His hands feeling her. She needed him to just take control because she couldn’t do all of the work here and concentrate on the sensations.

“Put your hands on me, Geralt. Hold me. Do what you will. I’ll stop you if you’re going too far.” she begged. It went against the grain a bit, to plead to him like this, but at lease he wasn't the kind to take advantage or devalue her as most men would. It was all he needed to hear. He shifted so that he was now above her, one foot on the floor, the other knee on the cushion. She felt as though he was trying to pull her up into heaven the way he kissed her and held her neck and waist. She didn't know why he was bothering when she was already there. The pressure of him was so exquisite. She didn't know whether she would implode from it, or explode.

Her hands couldn't remain idle, themselves. They were on a sensory mission to explore his tunic and trousers. Such a different sensation now than when she'd been cleaning and mending them. No longer containing mere whispers and memories of him, but his warm, solid flesh incarnate. Her touch, light and teasing, had spurred him on to advance their kissing session to a more vertical position. She succumbed to him again, to the pressure of his bodyweight now advancing her back onto the pillows behind her, ones that she'd chosen to be decorative, but had become suddenly very welcome in a practical sense.

She'd been right to reserve the term "ravenous" during their dinner. She hadn't seen anything yet. His mouth sought every inch of her mouth to conquer, and when it needed a break, it retreated a while to her cheeks, and forehead, and chin. To her ears, neck, and sternum. She felt fire being fanned inside her at his onslaught and was beginning to lose her mind. What to do? Then like lightning, something primal in her that had been stirring since she'd met Geralt woke with a bolt. A creature to match the one driving her lover. She suddenly knew what to do to get relief. To quench that fire for a time.

Her wrap dress was already slipping from her thighs. She flicked it away with her knee to free her throbbing center. She used her legs to pull Geralt's thigh closer to her drenched, hot body, needing contact, and somehow knowing, even as a novice, that nothing would do right now, except for him. He growled at the naughty act, she giggled, until suddenly, it was not funny. The leather hit her center and she began to twist and thrust her pelvis against his leg. Her slickness gliding so easily against it that she had to keep herself from going too fast. Or maybe she didn't. She already felt something building. Maybe she should go with it.

"Have you ever had an orgasm before, Anathema?" he gently and respectfully asked the pointed question that very few could get away with.

She hadn't. She'd heard tales of girls in town losing their virginity by riding horses, so she'd always insisted on riding in a cart or carriage if she had to go anywhere back then. Not that she went many places. She found out later, much to her embarrassment that those stories were myths perpetuated by her mother to keep her modest and "pure," in spite of the fact that this irony could not be overstated.

And although Sapphic rumors teemed about the lady mages of Aretuza, she'd never been involved in anything of the sort…not that she hadn't been curious. And not that she would have turned down an invitation if she'd received one.

And she just hadn't known enough about her body to really try to make that happen on her own. Even though she knew it was possible.

She shook her head, and stopped thrusting dead in her tracks.

"You are free to continue doing that all night, if you like. But if you're ready, I'd love to give you your first one. What do you think?"

"What…what do you mean?" she asked. She wasn't trying to be dirty, but she really was curious what he meant to do to her.

"I mean foreplay, sweetheart." he brushed a tendril of sweat-dampened hair away from her face. And continued. "I'll use my hands and fingers, my tongue, if you want. You'll need quite a bit before we go all the way. It gets you ready for me, and it will feel incredible."

She said nothing, just stared at him with a faraway shyness in her eyes. She was considering what this meant. If he was ready to go on to this stage, he'd be ready for sex soon, too. And she wasn't certain that she was. But maybe the next step would be the motivation she needed. She nodded.

"Stop me though, if you don't like what I'm doing, okay?" he prompted sternly. Somehow, she knew this required a vocal response.

"Okay, I will." she nodded again.

"May I?" he asked, hands already beginning to untie her dress. She moaned her assenting response. He planted a centering kiss between her breasts, then moved clockwise around to her right nipple, up her neck, savaging her ear and kissing her deeply and with marked poignancy before descending the other side. Every kiss, nip, and touch of his tongue made her delirious. He anchored again in the center of her sternum, and descended. She squirmed beneath him, feeling every breath out of his mouth and nose course through her like a hurricane. Each touch, a lightning strike. She felt the tectonic plates in her body shifting under his handiwork. This was so alien to her. She loved the feeling. She tensed when he reached her pelvis. There was no accounting for these nerves, but she was feeling them, nevertheless.

"Relax, kitten. This part isn't going to hurt at all." The emphasis he put on the words "this part" caused her some dismay…it implied that there would be parts that would hurt. That was unnerving. But she couldn't think too much about that when his mouth was on her bare skin. He was teasing her without mercy. Kissing and licking all over her lower abdomen…her pelvis…her thighs. Then he growled…or at least that's what she thought it sounded like.

She looked down and tried to decipher the look on his face. It was almost the same look he'd had before they started dinner tonight. When he was washed up and ready for his meal. Hungry. Was he hungry again? Looking…at her? Blessed mother, he wasn't going to…but he did. He laid a gentle kiss onto her trembling mound. He was just breathing over her. Warming her already smoldering body. She writhed again. She felt a strange, hollow ache deep inside. A painful emptiness was creeping over her body unlike anything she'd ever felt. It was most prevalent in a place that she didn't remember thinking about that much before. Somewhere adjacent to her bladder. It felt almost like a spinning top, wound too tightly, and made to spin for far too long.

He inhaled her again, all around her hips, teasing her, avoiding that spot nearby that was alight with nervous energy and ready to engulf them both in an inferno with the next tiny spark. She hadn't even realized it, but she'd been writhing beneath him, eager for contact. For friction.

"Easy, little tiger. I've got you. I'll take care of you." he smiled against her smooth skin. "It's just…your scent. I needed more of it before I went on." he didn't elaborate on what he was smelling, or why he needed it. She assumed it was a combination of the lilac in her soap and bathwater, and the rosewater she used to soften her skin along with her natural musk coming out as she got warmer.

He spread her as far as he could now, and reached out a calloused finger to her middle. She'd never felt this sort of touch. She gasped at the newness as he rubbed the little hood over her urethra. She thought she'd heard it referred to the clit in impolite conversations at Aretuza. Conversations in which she could not participate actively because of lack of experience. She moaned as he continued, varying his patterns and methods. He added a second finger, eventually, sliding one up and down either side of the trigger point. She didn't know what to do with herself. She couldn't form coherent thoughts anymore.

If she though she was going insane with just his touch, she was in for quite a shock given what was about to happen. As his fingers slid out of the way, his lips immediately replaced them. The sensations couldn't have been more different, but gods, how she loved them both. She was learning very quickly what she had been missing all of these years. And so far, she thought she might end up making up for lost time.

He sighed as he began laying open mouthed kisses to her quivering heat, tasting her body as she got wetter and wetter. It seemed the more he had of her, the more he wanted. Before long, the pleasure was almost more than she could stand. She wanted to stop him. Push him away. But it felt too good. She held on to the back of the chaise supporting her, now in more ways than one as he tortured her with the sheer bliss of his mouth.

She felt a digit graze her flower in gentle exploration as he continued his feast. He tested her, watching her for a reaction. She looked at him and just nodded. She was ready to have him inside her in some way or another. He breached her slowly, tenderly, searching for and quickly finding another doorway to ecstasy that she had no idea was there. She bucked her hips up, thrusting into his mouth, not expecting the surge of pleasure his touch would bring. She felt him giggle against her. She loved the sound, in no small part because, from what she'd learned thus far of the man between her legs, it didn't seem like his life was filled with much laughter. She'd not only been witness to a rare thing, but caused it to happen. That made her feel more powerful than any magic she'd learned so far ever could do.

He slid another finger inside her, spreading her deliciously, and filling her exquisitely. She shuddered at the slight twinge it caused her. She thought about his…well, she remembered several things together, actually. She remembered him implying that there would eventually be pain. She remembered his cock swinging thick and low as he stood naked before her. She remembered being put under for her transformation and being very sore in several…womanly places when she awoke from the anesthetization. She suddenly put together all of these thoughts like a puzzle and got a new, somewhat startling picture. When he had sex with her…real, actual sex, that would absolutely hurt.

She somehow had room for both the current pleasure and the impending fear. She tried to focus on the former. His fingers and mouth were miracles, finding all of the right places and doing all the right things exactly right…if this was so right, how could having him inside her, REALLY inside her, be wrong? He was picking up speed and pressure. Her breathing quickened and her body tensed. She could feel something about to happen.

"Let go for me, baby. Feel it. Enjoy this." his instructions weren't specific, but they were helpful enough in encouraging her to release whatever she'd been holding onto, tethering her to the physical plane. And the pressure inside that he'd been building for her suddenly exploded like a tiny bomb inside her. She was shattered, but whole. Fractured, but complete. Lost in nirvana but certain now of what was next. Her body pulsed with blood and spasms as she rode out the waves of her first ever orgasm. The first of many, she was certain. And more than a little hopeful.

"Oh, Geralt. Is this normal? Does it…does it always…feel like this?" she asked dreamily as he kissed his way up to her neck.

"You're very sensitive, Ana. Since you've never done this before, it will be very intense for you for a while. Until you get more familiar with it." he stared at her, caressing her blissed out face with a satisfied and smug grin. His lips looked so inviting, wet with her arousal.

"Come 'ere." she pulled him down to her easily. She was full of thoughts as she kissed her flavor from his full lips. She thought about ever getting used to what she'd just experienced. She didn't think it seemed likely. She also couldn't get the picture of his naked body out of her mind. What must he be like all cleaned up and smelling nice. She ran her hands down his abdomen to his bulge, which threatened to damage his newly repaired trousers. She palmed and squeezed him there gently.

"Geralt, I want it to be tonight." she assured him. She was beyond done being a virgin, and Geralt was the one she wanted to usher her into womanhood. He'd been doing so well, and who knows? They could be dead tomorrow. Why wait and risk it?

"You're sure, Anathema? You want me to do this to you?"

"No! Geralt! I want you to do this FOR me! I'm ready, you're incredible, and I want it to be you."

"Well, let's say I'll do this WITH you? Okay? I'm not doing it here, though. This is not the place where one is deflowered. Lead me to your bed, maiden, so I can make you a maiden no more." he said coyly as he stood and pulled her up as well. She took him by the hand and they walked toward the area where her bed was. She let go of him and slid the wrap dress off her shoulders, as it was barely hanging on, anyway.

Geralt was working at the laces of his tunic. Anathema didn't feel this was a prudent use of time, however and spelled him naked with a mighty wind.

"That's convenient." he laughed as he stepped forward to wrap her up in his crushing kiss. She replied in muffled fragments that when strung together sounded something like, "I never have occasion to use it. And it was terribly awkward to learn at Aretuza."

"You never mentioned naked women in your rant earlier this evening." he teased.

She poked his ribs and backed him onto the bed.

"Who said we practiced on women?" she asked, climbing atop him, and pinning him to the bed with a hungry kiss of her own. He raised his eyebrows. "We practiced on rabbits in human clothes. But ya know. Sometimes we'd miss." she teased. He flipped her over in a show of unquestionable dominance. Playful, but absolutely in charge.

"You are a feisty one. I like that."

"Yeah?" she asked, breathless through his drowning and drugging kisses against her mouth and neck and oh, gods, every-damn-place.

"I like breaking in a wild filly. It's a challenge. One I'm more than up to." as if to punctuate the statement, he ran a firm hand up her neck, not choking, but implying his ability, and grinding his hard member against her. She gasped.

"But tonight," he continued, "I'll make sure to go easy. Your first time shouldn't be like that. We have plenty of time for…well, everything." he lifted her enough to pull back the bed coverings and laid her back down, properly this time, in the center of the mattress.

"Now, I want to ask you one more time. Are you sure about this?" he looked uncertain, himself. She didn't take it personally as she might have so many years ago. She knew his uncertainty was not a reflection of her desirability, but rather a concern that she was finally succumbing to a societal ideal and taboo all together. Because once she fucked Geralt, she would no longer be a prude. She would be a whore. And there would be no in-between. It didn't matter. She didn't care. Fuck everyone who had ever called her a prude. Fuck everyone who would ever call her a whore. Fuck everyone but Geralt…ironically. The one person she was about to literally fuck.

"I'm sure about this, Geralt. I'm sure about now. And most of all, I'm sure about you." she reached for the nearest bit of him, his hand, and grabbed it. She squeezed as tight as she could and smiled full of hope and excitement. He kissed the hand that had found his, and held it to his heart.

"Know that this means something to me. And it always will. No matter what becomes of us. Tonight is special to us both, Anathema." And with that heartfelt sentiment, he spread her legs.

He dipped his mouth to her center one last time to make sure she was ready for him, lending his tongue again just to make sure. Then, kneeling above her, he took his length in his hand and paused, looking at her. He was so close to her. She could feel his body heat radiating into her. Almost a touch.

"Ready?"

"Yes, Geralt." she didn't beg, but the words fell almost wanton from her lips.

He went into her little by little, causing her sweet agony. He went so slowly. She half wondered if it might be better to just have him slam into her. But she dared not ask. This was too perfect. Just when she thought there couldn't be any more of him, more is what he gave. His face was left her awestruck. The picture of agonized restraint. It did two things perfectly. It showcased just how difficult it was for him to show that restraint they discussed before; for which she now felt in his debt. It also made her want him to keep going. Harder. And faster. She knew he would, once she acclimated to the disparity in their body sizes.

She slid her hand up his rippling arm, over his sinewy shoulder and clasped it gently over his neck. His eyes met hers as he met the resistance inside her. Sparks flashed in her periphery and the canvas above her spun and wavered as if a tornado was about to snatch it right up from the supports and stakes. But there was no wind. There was only Geralt. Geralt, who was now beginning his slow thrusts. Nothing could have prepared her for the sensation of having him inside her. The pain of it was so delicious. This wasn't like the pain of an injury, as was her concern. This was like getting out of bed after a long sleep and stretching your muscles. That ache that came from using something long dormant. Which was exactly what was happening.

"Oh. Yes. Geralt!" she exclaimed as he quickened his pace slightly. Gradually. His mouth began working on her upper body. From her breasts to her ears, he ravaged her with love bites and wet, suckling kisses, and the filthiest nonsense in her ear she could have ever imagined.

"Ana, it feels so good inside you." That was one of her favorites. She didn't know she needed the words from him along with everything else. The touch, and the thrusts which grew faster by the minute. She could feel herself building tension again like she had earlier. She was eager for another, but something was holding her back. She wasn't sure what it was.

"I'm gonna come inside you very soon, okay?" she nodded, but voiced a concern.

"Geralt, I don't think I'm going to be able to do it again." she didn't mean to sound so worried or upset. But apparently she was. And in her heightened state of arousal, she couldn't mask it.

"You can, baby. Of course you can. You can do it ten times as often as I can, and not to brag, but that's saying something. I'll help you, kitten." and he reached between their bodies and touched her again, never breaking his stride. She replied in the affirmative with a strangled "fuck," and continued to ride the waves of pleasure through her pinnacle and then his, hot and fast inside her. She had the presence of mind to take note of the sound he made as he lost himself. It was a guttural, almost feral grunt filled with pleasure and relief. She felt a swelling of pride. She couldn't explain it because, intellectually, she was sure that pretty much anyone could have given Geralt what she just had, but on the other hand…they hadn't…and she had.

"Wow!" Ana said, breathless. Limp. Satisfied.

"You can say that again." Geralt replied in the same manner, and equally spent. Rolling to her side, but still touching her.

"Can we DO that again?" She asked eagerly. He laughed, which made her smile and turn towards him and play with his skin, dewy from exertion.

"We can. I would like that very much. But maybe tonight we get some rest. We have a difficult task ahead of us in finding out what decimated this city, and if it's what I think it is, it will take all of our combined skills to defeat it." he said, somberly delaying their next romp and bringing the matter that had brought them together back to the forefront of her mind.

She'd had her suspicions, as well, but didn't want to be right, and certainly didn't want to think about it after such a beautiful milestone in her life.

"Okay. But, will you please stay with me?"

"After you conjured me such lovely quarters?" he teased. She nodded sheepishly. "Of course, little witch. If that's what you want."

"It is, witcher." she grinned haughtily at him, pulled him closer, and with a wave of her hand, cast the tent into pitch blackness.

~fin~

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