#story time

[imagine-darksiders]

Darksiders fanart request + The time I got punched because I let it go too hard.

Request from Krosshair-mk3bu

'Y/N getting the chills (but by what or whom is the question) and being simultaneously offered cloaks from both Death and Draven that’s got them in a Kill Bill sequence ^~^'

#Darksiders #darksiders 2 #Death vs Draven lmao #reader #fanart #my art #Horseman #story time #Youtube

[foldingfittedsheets]

Every sales job I’ve worked has that one item. The white whale. The biggest ticket you can sell. The sale you brag about when you’re chatting with other industry people.

When I sold mattresses it was a split king adjustable base. That’s two twin extra long mattresses next to each other to make a king, but each side can move independently. They’re insanely expensive and honestly kind’ve impractical but it was the biggest ticket thing to sell.

When I sold sex toys though our white whale was the 20lb ass. It was a female pelvis, a cut out from the waist to the tops of the thighs. It was hyper realistic material and cost about $500. I definitely had bigger tickets but not in one item typically.

In my time at the sex shop, I sold three. Each time was completely different in terms of how the guy acted about buying it. The first man was a little embarrassed and shy about it. I was professional and supportive as I rang it up. Once I handed him the receipt he looked at the box. Then he looked at me.

If you’ve ever wondered how big a box has to be to fit a 20lb ass let me just tell you: it’s pretty damn big. It’s an uncomfortably large armful of box and every side has a picture of the sex toy inside on it. It’s not subtle.

“Could I get a bag….?”

There was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass. “Hang on,” I told him.

I got scissors and tape and covered the box in cut up black bags. Looking relieved he picked up his purchase and left.

The next man to buy one carried it proudly to the counter; self assured and not embarrassed in the least. When I said I didn’t have a bag, but I could wrap it for him he gave a hearty shrug and hefted it into his arms, marching out the door with the butt on full display.

The last man to get one was just kind’ve an odd guy. Not creepy, but eccentric. We got along great, and as I rang him up I said, “Well one guy wanted his taped over, and one guy carried it out. What would you prefer?”

“There’s no bags?”

“No store bags. I think our jumbo trash bags in the back might fit it….?” It seemed rude to suggest putting a $500 item into a trash bag, but he wasn’t bothered.

He considered this then said, “Bring me the trash bag.”

When I delivered it to him he still managed to surprise me. Instead of shoving the huge box into it he opened the box. He took out his new $500 sex toy, and all the little things it came with, tipping them unceremoniously into the trash bag.

“There! Now I don’t have to deal with the box later!”

I was slightly stunned but agreed that I could easily deal with the trash. Then in a move I still think about with delight he flung the trash bag over his shoulder like a Santa with a sack full of ass and sauntered out the door.

If this or my other escapades made you laugh you could pop a tip into my Ko-fi! For more like this check my tag "ffs foibles".

#ffs foibles #funny #story #writing #story time #sex shop #retail #funny story

[charlesoberonn]

#tweet #story time

[thesporkidentity]

i have some follow-up questions???

#story time #fortune cookies

[mostly-funnytwittertweets]

#story time #twitter #tweets #meme #memes #tweet #funny #lol

[sophiamcdougall]

I am never going to complain about Greek Duolingo again

I mean, I am. But still.

So, as some of you know, my family has been coming to this tiny Greek seaside village for several years. Just over a week ago I came out here with my mum, under the impression that early September, after the height of the summer heat, would be a good time to have a holiday. ANYWAY Storm Daniel had other ideas about that. Locally things are improving (I'm actually really pissed off about the disaster-porn tone of most English-language media coverage, but that's another post). The power is back on, there's running water most of the time, and though the latter is not drinkable, a truck from the government came and handled out free bottled water yesterday. But we are currently kind of stuck. Can't do tourist things. Can't go home. There aren't any local flights out until Saturday and the road to Thessaloniki is still closed.

So this evening, feeling kind of aimless and depressed, I go down to the nearest beach with a couple of binbags and start cleaning up in an effort to at least do something positive. I always try to do this at least once out here and obviously, after the storm, there's a lot more plastic and rubbish than usual.

At some point I find this large, round bit of metal - some kind of machinery part, I think -- that's too big for the bag, so I take it to the bins on its own, leaving the rubbish bag on the beach. And when I come back for it, something among the stones beside it moves.

Specifically, it pulls its head sharply inside its shell

So, meanwhile I've been trying to learn some Greek with the help of Duolingo.

I currently have a 33-day streak and... I have questions. Shouldn't I be able to use the past or future tenses by now? Shouldn't I be able to say "x is like y"? I can't do those things. But one thing I absolutely can say all day long is έχω μια χελώνα : I have a turtle.

This is far from the limit of Duolingo Greek's turtle-related content. "An obsession with turtles" is my mother's characterisation. I can inform you that the turtle is not a bird, and, improbably, that the turtle is drinking milk. I can introduce you to a turtle in company with a horse and an elephant. As far as Duolingo is concerned, it really is turtles all the way down.

Now this, you may be able to see, is not a turtle. It has claws rather than flippers. It is a tortoise. I know there are wild tortoises in Greece: my aunt once rescued a pair of them shagging in the middle of the road -- but that was up in the mountains. I've even seen one myself, but it was also on a road and very dead.

I am 95% certain they don't belong on beaches. There's nothing for it to eat, except, unfortunately, a lot of plastic. Even if it gets off the beach it will immediately find itself on a road where it could get hit by a car. I'm pretty sure it must have been washed down by the floodwater and has been just sitting there, dazed, ever since.

Now obviously the first thing I want to do on encountering this unusual animal is to go and tell my mummy, so I do. The tortoise immediately brightens her day. She agrees that the tortoise is not happy on the beach and needs to be taken somewhere safe. it gets surprisingly wriggly when picked up so we put it in a carrier bag with some grapes and cucumber and go looking for somewhere to rehome it.

We find a path leading up between the houses towards a likely-looking field, but before we get very far a dog in a yard goes berserk and a man's head pops over a fence and demands to know what we're doing. He does this in English, as evidently we're just that obviously tourists.

"I found a tortoise on the beach!" I explain. "We want to find somewhere to put it."

"A what," he asks.

"It's like a, you know," I begin and then to my astonishment I find myself saying... "μια χελώνα"

"Oh! A turtle!" he says.

"But from the land. δεν είναι χελώνα", [it is not a turtle,] I say, as I am worried he will tell me to put it back near the sea where I found it. As it turns out it actually IS a χελώνα, Greek does not distinguish between turtles and tortoises, but I don't know that; I can't even name the days of the week or identify any colours other than pink yet, give me a break.

The man's entire demeanour changes and thaws. He does not worry about my turtle-that-is-not-a-turtle conundrum. He knows where οι χελώνες come from and where η χελώνα μας belongs. He leads us through a gate into a courtyard area.

"[somethingsomething] μια χελώνα," he explains to the assembled onlookers, of whom there are, suddenly, a surprising number.

"ΜΙΑ ΧΕΛΩΝΑ!!!" crows the throng of delighted small children, who are, suddenly, everywhere.

"μια χελώνα!" I agree, accepting that at least for current purposes, that is what it is.

"Μπορούμε να δούμε τη χελώνα σας; [can we see your turtle?]" asks an adorable little girl, shyly, and I understand??

The children fucking love looking at the χελώνα and showing it to them is kind of magical?

I finally put the tortoise down on the grass of this wild area off to the side of the courtyard, and marvel aloud that it is weird that I barely know any Greek except how to say μια χελώνα.

"I think she will soon run off," a kind lady called Aspasia assures me, seeing I remain slightly anxious about its fate. "I don't know why I'm saying 'she'. I suppose because χελώνα is feminine in Greek."

"Yes! I know that!" I exclaim, thrilled.

"Well done!" she says. And also she asks if we are OK for drinking water after the storm and if we need any help with anything and is just generally incredibly lovely and now we know more of the neighbours!

So "μια χελώνα" has just become, by a long way, my most-used and most understood and all-around most conversationally successful phrase in Greek. So I guess I have to admit I was wrong to doubt Duolingo's wisdom: it is correct to be obsessed with turtles. And I concede that prior to learning how to count to ten or to distinguish right from left, the simple ability to yell the word TURTLE over and over again is, it turns out, a crucial element of the responsible traveller's social skills.

(I am pretty fluent in Italian and turtles haven't come up in conversation even once?)

#story time

[high-quality-tiktoks]

from a marketing standpoint this netflix stuff is SO funny to me because it’s definitely not unheard of for companies to totally screw themselves over thinking what did it was a good idea😂😂like imagine to execs at netflix sitting around a table talking about this and saying “oh my god this is such a good idea, we’ll make so much money over this”😂😂😂ahhh i’m howeling

#video #tiktok #tiktoks #story time #funny #lmao #wtf #netflix #falconroundriver

[magicwillow]

I just want y’all to know that one time during lockdown I played a lot of Minecraft because I had nothing better to do and then later I was going to go into my room after a shower so I could go back to being a hermit but it was dark so I just thought “oop, can’t go in there, there’ll be skeletons spawning there and they’ll shoot at me”

And for LIKE FIVE WHOLE SECONDS I didn’t question it and I just turned on the lights and walked out into the living room to wait it out, just thankful I had my pajamas on already so I didn’t have to fight off the shooty skeletons in my dark closet where there might be some creepers too

And then all of a sudden I was like “Wait what the frig skeletons aren’t real” and then just went back into my room

And I think about that a lot. So if ANY OF YOU dare to think that I have any more than three and a half braincells on a really good day, just please remember this and know that you are sorely mistaken

#minecraft #mineblr #shitpost #irl story #don’t judge me please #I’m an idiot #lockdown brain is not good brain #story time

[lyralit]

reminder:

you're allowed to be proud of your accomplishments.

you're allowed to think you're pretty, or smart, or funny.

you're allowed to be good at things.

you're allowed to voice your opinion.

you're allowed to do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

you're allowed to not know what you want to do.

you're allowed to change your mind.

you're allowed to want things.

you're allowed to cry and break down.

you're allowed to be disappointed when things don't go your way.

you're allowed to love the way you love.

you're allowed to dream.

#story time #I worked all year last year to get the top honours group prize at for my year #and I got it! #and the rush of relief / satisfaction #from knowing I worked hard from it #was just as strong as feeling it was a mistake #remind yourselves it's not a mistake #you can work hard #and you can do well #and sometimes it doesn't work out #but celebrate when it does #<3 #lovely people <3

[covington-shenanigans]

so I'm on this app, Marco Polo, where you stay in touch with people by means of sending video messages. (there are probably other features, but I'm a free user, so I remain blissfully ignorant of them.) mostly I use it to annoy my sister. ("BITCH WHAT IF I GOT A PHALLOPLASTY AND HAD A BABY SHOWER FOR MY DICK. WE COULD HAVE ZUCCHINI FRITTERS. DICK-SHAPED PASTA. BANANAS FOSTER. DO U SEE MY VISION")

anyway, during the Hell Year of 2020, I saw my childhood best friend (let's call her Lee) was on this app. and like.

when I say "my childhood best friend", I mean the Weird Girl next door, who saw the Weird Girl that I was. I mean the girl I played with from age five until just shy of eleven, when my family moved away. I mean the girl I played with every day, for hours and hours, making up all kinds of elaborate scenarios involving our menagerie of stuffed animals. there were multiple overlapping, soap opera-style plotlines that lasted for years. there was drama. heartbreak. glory. she was the first friend I remember having. she was the first girl I ever loved, in my five-year-old way.

well, I hadn't seen Lee in at least 20 years and I was like, "holy shit! Lee!!!" so I sent her a "hey, nice to see you here, how you been" message.

again, this was late 2020.

now, I had been on T for a scant three months when I sent the first message, so I was a mere baby child, relative to the gruff manly man I am now. no beard, my voice had only started to wobble, still had tits... you get it. keep this in mind, it'll be important later.

I never heard back from her, but we're both Old, so I was like "eh, she probably forgot she installed the app" and forgot about it. we'd exchanged text messages at some point during the Hell Year, but like many people my age she doesn't really text, and I'm not calling anyone if I don't have to, so our communication had been sporadic, at best.

well. today I got a notification that she sent me a reply on Marco Polo.

I figured, well, she's replying to me 3.5 years late, but better late than never. I have ADHD and no friendship degradation mechanic, so I'm excited! yay! friend! :D

and then I remember. "...oh shit. she doesn't know I'm trans."

so. the thing is. I'm from Mississippi, which is. very very fucking conservative. I know Lee grew up Southern Baptist. I also know she's still living in the same town where we grew up and where she eventually graduated from high school and college. last I checked she was still attending the same Southern Baptist church where she grew up and her remaining living parent is still living in Lee's childhood home.

so this is either going to be Fine or it's going to be a disaster. lol.

in thinking it through, I figure either she's seen my updated profile pic, where I have the beard etc., or she hasn't. so either she's going to acknowledge this change or she isn't. okay. these are the possibilities. so I watch the message.

...the secret third option is... she seems to not realize when I sent the message? "sorry, I missed this when I was at work!" girl. what? I mean, you probably did miss it while you were at work... three and a half years ago. possibly she meant to reply to someone else and got me instead?

whatever. who knows. doesn't matter.

because I have the opportunity to do the funniest fucking thing in the world now

#covington-shenanigans gets personal #story time #marco polo #trans stuff #childhood friends #trans man #transmasc #trans men

[haunted-headset]

Story time!

I saw someone talking about their first pride parade & how kind the people there were, so I thought I'd share what happened to me! I had to go with my mom, and she has no idea that I'm trans (thank goodness she knows I'm pansexual). Before we left the parade, I met this drag queen & asked to take a video with her for my friend. The drag queen was so kind to me! I think she could tell I was really overstimulated & excited, so she just held my hand & told me how gorgeous I was & it was great! She asked me what my pronouns were, & I almost said "he/they," but I caught myself & gave my fake pronouns. After the video, my mom was walking a bit ahead of me, so the drag queen told me, "So I noticed that you were about to use different pronouns in front of your mom, right?" I had nodded and was like "oh shit" but all she said was, "Are your pronouns he/him?" I told her what my pronouns were & she gave me this big hug & was like, "I'm so sorry you can't be your handsome self around your mom, sweetheart. Just remember that you are a gorgeous, handsome boy & that you'll always have a drag queen who loves you if your mom doesn't, okay, honey?"

Long story short, go to pride parades!! The people there are usually so nice & it's usually tons of fun :)

#story time #drag queen #pride #lgbtq #lgbtqia #queer #lgbtqplus #transgender #wholesome #trans pride #pride month #lgbt #queer pride #gay pride

[foldingfittedsheets]

I feel like I told this tale previously but I cannot find any record of it and so here is the story told once again of the time my betrothed lost sight of their humanity.

I joke sometimes that my betrothed is really a superhuman hiding their secret identity. It honestly tracks based on how often they forget how strong regular people are. They accidentally hurt me just moving around and often overdo acts of strength. I’ve always been pretty waify so it’s bewildering to me.

On this occasion I was sitting calmly on our couch. Our kitchen has a cutout counter so you can see from the kitchen to the sliding glass door on the far side of the room. Between those two points, I lounged on the couch.

“Hey,” they said to me from the kitchen. I looked up.

They held up a mandarin orange, a small inoffensive fruit that didn’t deserve the fate what was about to befall it.

“Catch.”

Now, a gentle underhanded toss could have easily brought the orange to me from where they stood in the kitchen. It could have plopped gently onto my lap if I failed to catch it.

But I think you know that’s not what happened.

Instead, they cocked their arm back for an overhand throw and launched the orange toward me with enough force that I heard it whistle past me. It flew in a blur at high enough velocity that it exploded into a mess of juice and dismay against the glass door.

Not only had they launched the orange fully across the room but there was no conceivable universe that they were even aiming at me, as it’s trajectory was easily two feet away from my placid couch body.

I stared in shock at the wrecked fruit and slowly turned to stare at my betrothed, who was equally stunned. I looked back at the orange juice dripping down the glass, the sad husk of its corpse laying burst and spent on the ground.

“Wh-…. Why?”

They couldn’t say. They had no idea what happened. They honestly thought they were doing a nice toss to me before they committed citrus crimes. But I know they just forgot to put on their human disguise and revealed their superpowers.

#ramblies #my betrothed #funny #ffs foibles #writing #story #story time

[charlesoberonn]

#tweet #story time

[thehmn]

My heart. Children can be so cute sometimes.

I was at a family gathering and was sitting with my dog Ellie on my lap on the sofa when my three years old nephew came over and started petting her semi-roughly and got all up in her face because he thought she was cute. I was about to tell him he was being too rough when Ellie did it for me and snapped. I’m not sure what it’s called in English but we call it “marking” where a dog will make a move like they’re about to bite but don’t actually bite. You know, the last warning a dog will give you to stop. He was understandably shocked and I felt bad about not stopping it sooner but he didn’t start crying or swat at her in anger. He seemed more embarrassed than anything and we had a talk about it.

Later I saw him sitting on the floor with a bunch of toy food and a tea set, and opposite him sat Ellie watching him with curiosity. He looked at her for a few seconds. I was worried he was scared of her now or possibly angry, but then he placed a plastic plate with fake broccoli in front of her and poured her a cup of imaginary tea.

It’s just to sickeningly sweet that neither held any grudges about what had happened and were now having a tea party.

#humontalks #story time #children #dogs

[mostly-funnytwittertweets]

#story time #memes #meme #lol #funny #tweets #tweet #twitter

[sliceoflifebear]

Tldr: I need a BLT pride flag.

Story time: I painted my nails with my wife’s nail polish to look goth for a day and surprise her at work. Great times to be had but I never removed it because I forgot nail polish remover is a thing!

I’m at work, we have old school blue collar conservative dudes that are blunt and nice. (Pending you arnt too open about yourself)

I am in the lunch room and one member who I call “Slick” looks at me. His expression was a mix of betrayal and confusion. His mouth agape and his eyes sunken with sorrow and hurt. “Well hey (bear) what’s with the nails. Are you one of them BLT people?”

Internally I held in a laugh. I told him the goth tale and he happily told me to use some chemicals they had in the back that would take it right off. I ain’t telling them I’m Pansexual, because I don’t want to lose my job and they don’t need to know. But, I now associate myself as part of the BLT community.

I need a pride flag made and it’s colors form a BLT sandwich.

#story time #story #pride flag #pride #blt #lgbt pride #panseuxal #BLT Pride #sandwich #them nails though #society is ever changing and I am afraid yet excited to see where society ends up