Rich pregnant socialite: So we went to this clinic and let them manipulate our genes so we're 100% sure our child won't have any disease, he will have my hair and his father eyes and so much things we did for him! And you Bruce ?
Brucie: Found em in the trash. Except Tim, he found me in the trash.
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Batman AU
Batman tells Gordon that he doesn't kill. Thinking that it's a legality issue, Gordon deputizes Batman and gives him a gun and badge. Batman of course doesn't use the gun and just figures Gordon is stressed.
After Joker kills a Robin, Gordon starts to deputize the Batfam members.
Gordon: Next time you see that clown. Take. The. Shot. Rookie.
Robin (Tim, tiny ass 14 year old holding a 45 magnum): Umm... Yes sir?
Batman (plus all the Rogues, minions, and citizens of Gotham when Robin shows up with a 45 Magnum):
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peak damian and batfamily interaction is him using overly formal vocabulary and syntax AT ALL. TIMES. he will never not be proper. even a few years into living at the manor and with all the colorful dialogue styles there, he still talks like he’s 53 and some sort of medieval noble. this is especially funnier whenever he has any sort of normal familial interaction. like:
damian: todd i have come to make a request of you.
jason: what?
damian: i was hoping you’d acquiesce to my demands of having you read me your favorite book while i prepare for slumber.(liked he used to when damian was a baby)
jason: you want me. to read you a bedtime story??
damian: tt. of course not. you reading the book and me preparing for bed are entirely coincidental. i just desire to hear your interpretation of the authors message and the voices you use when narrating.
jason: ….sure, kiddo. go brush your teeth and i’ll be there.
damian: thank you. i shall see you in my chambers.
bonus points for entirely monotone delivery like see this shit just makes me go off it’s so funny
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Damian: Baba. I’ve acquired an enemy at the academy. He’s been ripping my drawings, teasing me about my lineage, and smearing your honor. I understand murder can’t happen. How shall I proceed?
Bruce: [Has a flashback of Thomas driving to his bully’s house, spiked brass knuckles on his hands, petting his head and smiling dangerously, ‘I’ll be right back, chum!’]
Bruce: …I’ll talk to his parents.
Damian: Todd?
Jason: Finally, an excuse to tackle a 10 year old.
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little brother duo supremacy
edit: sorry to disappoint yall but this isnt dick or virgil 😭😭 its duke in a nightwing sweater,,,,
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bruce: he’s killed people
damian [who’s heard stephanie say this at least 10x a day]: but have you considered that maybe he’s just a teenage girl?
jason: yeah! have you considered that bruce?!
bruce: jason, you’re 22 and a male
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Jason (Age 12): I’m not gonna die from inhaling cigarette smoke, quit worrying, B.
Jason (Age 15): *dies from smoke inhalation*
Jason (Age 19): Well, it wasn’t the cigarettes.
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Bruce, during a family meeting: this is just a reminder therapy is covered by our health insurance plan
Tim: why do you always look at me when you say that
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