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melanielocke · 3 years

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Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 8

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Taglist @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite

CW for discussion of abuse and description of PTSD related flashback

Helping Gideon Lightwood visit old memories from his childhood was much harder than Alastair could have anticipated. Gideon did not know exactly where they would find the information they needed, so they had been visiting several memories where he thought he might have overheard something to do with his father’s dealings in the occult. There were several instances where Gideon had seen or heard something he hadn’t understood back then but did now. References to supernatural woman he was interested in mostly, it seemed like Benedict Lightwood had had an interest in sex with supernatural women.

So far nothing that might relate to what was happening to Thomas, though. There was an instant where Benedict Lightwood said something about a rival in business falling ill with an unsettling smile, where Gideon now realized that had been his doing, but they hadn’t yet figured out what creatures Benedict had made deals with beyond the women he’d bargained with for sexual favors. Alastair suspected the creature that might claim Thomas’ life had bargained for much more than sex. He couldn’t imagine giving up someone’s life for sex, whereas Alastair could picture a cold and heartless person such as Benedict Lightwood offering up someone’s life in exchange for money and power.

Part of the problem was that there were only so many of these memories Alastair could take and he was surprised Gideon was doing so well. It was a long time ago, of course, but Alastair couldn’t imagine ever being able to show someone else memories of his father. Not even those where he wasn’t drunk. He could talk about it, perhaps, but he could never show, he never wanted anyone to see just how defenseless he’d been.

Even seeing the memories of someone else’s neglectful father was difficult for him and the occasional racist comment brought back memories from school. Gideon surely didn’t agree with any of that, did he? Still, Alastair pushed through. This was important. This was for Thomas. He didn’t know if Thomas was right, if he was in danger, but Alastair knew he wasn’t going to let him die.

Gideon noticed after a while, it was getting difficult for him. ‘We can continue tomorrow,’ he said. ‘I can tell it’s not easy for you.’

‘I’m not used to visiting other people’s memory,’ Alastair said as an excuse. ‘That’s why I’m getting tired.’

He didn’t want Gideon Lightwood to think he was weak and he couldn’t take this. Entering other people’s memories being exhausting was at least believable.

Over the next week, he easily fell into this new routine. Mornings he would go with Thomas and take a walk. They explored the different trails in the forest, and talked about books, music, history, art. Alastair felt like he was getting to know Thomas better, and the more he did, the more he fell in love. Thomas had grown up handsome, tall and muscular, yes, but he was also kind, empathetic, and conversation with him was so easy. He had many interests, and could easily talk about them for a long time. Alastair had never liked small talk much, but neither did Thomas, so instead they soon found topics they were both interested in to discuss.

He would eat lunch with Thomas and his parents, and then continue with Gideon’s memory, always careful not to take it too far. It had to be difficult for Gideon as well, to go over memories of his father, but he didn’t show it. Perhaps he was just very good at concealing his struggle for his son’s sake. Alastair could respect that.

‘Alastair, maybe we should take a break,’ Gideon said after visiting a particularly difficult memory of Benedict yelling at Gideon and his younger brother when they’d interrupted him in some occult ritual. They’d been going over memories for a week now, but so far they hadn’t found the answers they were looking for. Hints, yes, and this ritual could point them into the right direction but right now neither knew what exactly Benedict had been summoning.

They copied everything they remembered about the ritual and wrote it down, and Alastair suspected Benedict Lightwood had been summoning some creature. It was very uncommon for humans to be able to do magic, the ability Alastair had was a rare exception. He imagined Lucie’s ability was a similar exception, whereas Thomas’ sight was a little more common, but still rare. But humans could make deals with benefactors for power, something that rarely ended well. So far, it seemed Benedict Lightwood had made deals with multiple beings, some less consequential and mainly about sex, whereas others had given him the power to make opponents fall sick which must have cost. He suspected there were multiple benefactors involved, something Alastair didn’t think was common. For some people, enough was never enough.

‘Are you alright?’ Alastair asked. ‘Those memories must be difficult for you.’

Alastair was still doing the best he could to conceal how distressed it was. It wasn’t his father, it wasn’t his memory, but he’d been looking through the eyes of Gideon Lightwood with his father yelling at him, experiencing it as if he was Gideon himself. He tried his best to push back his feelings, to breathe. He narrated to himself, describing the room and its contents in a desperate attempt to not lose control. That was something his therapist had taught him, a method to ground himself in reality and assure himself he was safe.

‘I’m fine,’ Gideon said with a small smile. ‘But I can tell using your ability is difficult for you, and I don’t think it’s just because using the ability is tiring. I noticed you tensed up a bit more with every memory we visited. And the last one… I did not realize how bad that one really was before reliving it and I’m sorry for exposing you to that.’

Alastair guessed he now knew why Thomas was so annoyingly observant. It ran in the family.

The memory didn’t really take him by surprise. Nowadays, Alastair could often tell when it was coming even if he hadn’t learnt how to control it. He was thirteen years old and had come home after a particularly bad day at school and all he’d wanted was some time alone to cry and listen to some very loud music. He’d been badly bullied at the time, but he hadn’t dared tell his parents about that. Cordelia hadn’t been at home, fortunately, playing with a friend, Lucie perhaps. But his father had, and he’d noticed Alastair shaking, the tears in the corners of his eyes he’d tried to conceal. His father had been drunk, as he was always drunk, but he’d still noticed how upset Alastair was. He’d started yelling at him, calling him weak and pathetic. At the time, Alastair had still hoped he would carry cortana someday and fight monsters with it, before the sword had chosen Cordelia and Alastair had realized he’d never really wanted it anyway. His father had yelled at him that he would never be worthy of cortana, that he was weak and would run away crying at the first sight of danger, that he’d never be anything but worthless.

‘Alastair!’

Deep down, Alastair realized it wasn’t real, it was a memory and his father wasn’t here. It felt real though. He could hear Gideon Lightwood’s voice, even if all he saw was his father, stumbling drunk.

‘Alastair, I need you to breathe, alright?’

Alastair tried to take a deep breathe, in and out, like he’d practiced many times before. He always struggled with this, purposely breathing tended to make him light in the head. Still, it was better than not breathing at all.

‘Tell me what you can see,’ Gideon Lightwood said.

‘I see my father, bottle in his hand,’ Alastair said with a trembling voice. ‘But that’s not real. It’s a memory. I am in the cottage, and my father isn’t here. You are here, and you’re talking to me.’

Slowly, the cottage’s living room returned and he was sitting on the couch next to Gideon Lightwood again, carefully breathing in and out in an attempt to maintain a sense of control.

‘I took it too far,’ Gideon said. ‘I am terribly sorry, Alastair. I truly didn’t realize how bad the last memory was.’

He felt his cheeks warm, ashamed to let Gideon see him like this. Most of the time, he’d been alone when such a flashback happened, or he’d had enough time to run to his bedroom or a bathroom or anywhere he would be alone. He knew rationally there was a good chance Gideon Lightwood wouldn’t think lesser of him, but a voice inside screamed at him that now everyone knew how weak he really was.

‘Do you want some tea?’

Alastair nodded, still focused on his breathing. ‘Not the English kind,’ he added.

He focused on his surroundings, told himself over and over that he was safe, that he was far away from his father and nothing bad would happen here.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said when Gideon returned with two cups of hot water and a selection of tea bags. It wasn’t his mother’s tea, but it would do.

‘This is not your fault,’ Gideon said. ‘It’s mine, and I’m sorry. I don’t think we should continue looking through my memories.’

‘But Thomas’ life might depend on it. And not all of them are as bad as that one.’

‘I do not remember enough to be sure a memory is safe for you and I cannot in good conscious expose you to more memories like that. We’ll find another way. Thomas wouldn’t want you to trigger your symptoms for his sake,’ Gideon said. ‘We got some information I still need to work out. I take it you haven’t often visited other people’s memories?’

‘I’ve known for some time I can enter other people’s memories as well as my own, but apart from with my family I’ve never done it,’ Alastair said. ‘It is very invasive. I can’t imagine how you could show your memories of you father to someone else.’

Sometimes he and Cordelia would watch movies in Cordelia’s memory, but beyond that he rarely visited other people’s memories.

‘It was a long time ago, and I can tell it hurt you much more than it hurt me,’ Gideon said. ‘It’s not easy, but for Thomas I can do this. I won’t ask more of you.’

‘I’m the only one I know of with this ability though,’ Alastair.

‘That’s not your fault, is it? Did you always have this ability? It was not given to you by something?’ Gideon asked.

‘As far as I know I’ve always had. I think I was seven, maybe even eight when I realized other people couldn’t revisit their own memories the way I do.’

The ability had always come natural to him even as a child, and he’d freely talked about it with classmates in primary school, leading to some very confused reactions. One time when he was five or six he’d tried to teach Cordelia how to do it, which had ended with her throwing a toy tea kettle at his head because she couldn’t do it and they were both getting frustrated. Back then his father had been very interested in his ability when he wasn’t drunk, and when he was eight he and his father had visited a memory of his father killing something monstrous in a forest in the United States, a horrifying deer like creature that had eaten a hiker. He still remembered the way it had gotten up on its hind legs, limbs all bending and twisting in the wrong way. How it had howled, the most horrifying sound Alastair had heard in his life. Alastair had had nightmares for weeks and his mother had been very angry with his father for showing him something like that when she found out.

In the years to come, his mother would yell at his father more often, but that never made him change, and she didn’t leave until Alastair was diagnosed with PTSD. She’d yell at him, beg him to go to a clinic. But his father had always refused, denied the problem, and Alastair had done the best he could to protect both his sister and his mother from him when he was drunk. He suspected even his mother had not truly seen how awful he could become when he was drunk, Alastair had made sure of that.. His diagnosis had been a wake up call for her. But at least she was safe now.

‘We need to know what being my father dealt with.’ Gideon sighed. ‘This would be much easier with his journals, but so far Tatiana ignored my calls.’

‘Perhaps if we look again,’ Alastair said. ‘Sometimes it helps to go over the same memory again, see if there’s something we missed. The details can make all the difference.’

‘No,’ Gideon said. ‘You just had a panic attack from my memories . It’s because of my father’s abuse, isn’t it? He brings up your bad memories of your own father. I won’t take you back into my memories, I don’t want to hurt you. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I… I know what it is like to grow up in a broken home. So if you want to talk, I’m here and I promise I’ll keep your secrets.’

Alastair was tempted to retreat in his shell, to refuse to talk about it as he always did, but he felt oddly comfortable around Thomas’ father. He was kind and empathetic, like his son, and he’d helped him through a flashback. He suspected Gideon Lightwood understood that being told his father was a hero and being a hero came at a price wasn’t kind, even if it wasn’t the same for him. It was very clear that Benedict Lightwood was not and had never been a good person, whereas even Alastair acknowledged his father had done good things once.

‘It seems unfair,’ Alastair said after a silence. ‘To complain about my father to you. From what I’ve seen, yours was worse.’

‘It is not a competition of who has it worse, Alastair,’ Gideon said. ‘My brother and I have both found our way to move on from everything that happened. We had each other, we had friends, a support system that could help us through it. I think that until recently, you have been very alone, and that makes it much harder.’

‘Thomas has been kind to me,’ Alastair said. ‘During our morning walks the past week, but he was also kind when we went to school together. I appreciate that.’

He hated to admit it even to himself, but he didn’t think he’d ever had friends beyond Thomas. In his childhood they’d moved around often and he’d gone to so many different primary schools that he’d never been able to make friends, and when he’d gone to secondary school he’d first been bullied badly, then turned to bullying others in a desperate and hopeless attempt to protect himself. The other bullies at that school might have considered him a friend, but Alastair did not. He knew these boys would have picked him as a target if he hadn’t shown how vicious he could be with his words. And at his last school, he’d simply stopped caring and kept to himself, just cruel enough to make sure the bullies knew better than to bother him.

‘I’m glad to hear you’re getting along with my son,’ Gideon said. ‘Do you have any other friends?’

‘My sister, Lucie occasionally although we’re not close,’ Alastair said. ‘That is all. I never knew how to make friends, and it didn’t help that other children always thought I was weird.’

Alastair had always been one of the smartest children in his class, and other children could be jealous. Some thought it was impossible that a brown boy was doing better than them. Others simply didn’t understand the things he was interested in. Then there had always been children who made fun of the weird food his mother had made for lunch until he’d resigned to eat school lunches even if those were usually terrible.

Alastair considered for a moment, but then continued. ‘I did have one other friend, from when I was fourteen until recently. We mostly wrote emails to each other, texted after a while. He was about six years older than me, and at the time he was the one person I thought I could trust. But I was wrong about trusting him.’

He wasn’t sure he wanted to reveal his relationship with Charles, but at least this would give enough context on why he’d been so unwilling to trust anyone. Charles had done the best he could to isolate him, positioning himself as the one person he could trust. Charles had discouraged him from coming out to aunt Risa, which he’d considered at the time, citing that Iran was very homophobic as a reason. But just because the laws in Iran were homophobic, didn’t mean all Iranian people were and both his mother and aunt Risa had been open to learn more. And because Charles had seemed so trustworthy, so caring, Alastair no longer knew how to be sure he could trust someone. Even now he was wary, there was a voice inside screaming to run, to get away before this ended badly. It also felt nice though, talking to someone who had grown up in an abusive household and had survived. If Gideon had, maybe he could too.

‘What happened?’ Gideon asked gently.

‘I’m not sure…’ Alastair began.

‘You don’t have to tell,’ Gideon said. ‘I know it can be hard to trust someone after having your trust broken so many times.’

Alastair took a deep breath. He wanted to trust Gideon, he really did. It must be so nice to have father like him. ‘He wasn’t just a friend, we were in a relationship. I thought it was everything I could want, and for a time the illusion of being loved was enough to push away the pain. I thought that just what love was like. I left him some time ago when I finally realized what he did wasn’t alright.’

‘You said he was six years older than you?’ Gideon asked.

‘Yes,’ Alastair said. ‘I was sixteen when I entered a relationship with him. I didn’t realize at the time that it was creepy that such an older man was interested in me. I thought it meant I was mature and was so flattered by his attention.’

‘It can’t have been easy to leave him,’ Gideon said.

Alastair stared for a moment. He didn’t expect people to understand that. Cordelia was sweet and caring but he didn’t think she really understood why it had taken him so long to leave. She had a point, why keep going back when every dismissal was like being struck with a dagger? Why keep falling for his praise when Charles would mock him only moments later? Alastair didn’t understand it himself either, only that he’d genuinely loved and worshipped Charles.

‘I had help,’ Alastair admitted. ‘Cordelia spent some time trying to convince me to leave. But even when I started recognizing just how bad he was treating me, I think part of me still longed for his praise.’

‘I think you are very strong, Alastair, that you could choose what was right for you and leave him.’

They were interrupted by Thomas, who entered the room carrying a bag of groceries. Alastair was once again struck by how beautiful he was. In school, Thomas had still been small and skinny and Alastair simply hadn’t noticed him that way. But he’d grown up tall and muscular. Yet his features were still refined and handsome for someone so tall. And he was so different from Charles. Kind, empathetic, a little insecure. Thomas didn’t think emotions were a weakness that needed to be concealed, Thomas would not mock him for feeling. Back at school he’d thought Thomas must have it so easy, to be so kind, but perhaps he was kind because that was what his parents had taught him. Alastair had learnt later that sometimes, the worst people were the ones who had it easy, the ones who had everything yet wanted more. People like Charles, or like Benedict Lightwood.

He wondered sometimes if Thomas liked men as well. So far Thomas hadn’t mentioned it, but he hadn’t mentioned any past or current relationships with girls either. He wondered if he could have a chance with him, with someone who genuinely seemed to care about him in a way Charles never had. To Charles he had simply been convenient, broken and isolated and very much willing to do whatever it took to keep his lover happy and satisfied, scared he might be abandoned if he did not. He imagined it would be different with Thomas, who was closer to his age. A relationship with him would probably feel more equal, exploring both their desires and needs, and not just his partner’s. Thomas was interested in what he had to say, in his opinions, his interests. Thomas could make him laugh, something he’d rarely done the past years.

‘Did something happen, Tom?’ Gideon asked.

Alastair had to agree Thomas looked a little distressed.

‘Yes, but perhaps it’s better if I show you,’ Thomas said. ‘Alastair, would you be able to help? If you’re not too tired, that is. I know it can be exhausting.’

Alastair had used his ability much more than he was used to, but suspected he could do this. However, he preferred to know what he was getting into. He didn’t want to see something that would trigger another flashback and definitely not in front of Thomas.

‘I can do it, but since I’m tired it would be easier if you told me what you saw before diving in.’

He wasn’t sure why he kept pretending it was just his ability. It was easier somehow, a more acceptable excuse. He doubted it was believable though.

Thomas nodded. ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘I saw someone, and I thought I recognized aunt Tatiana. But now I’m not complete sure, and since dad will be much more likely to recognize her I think it’s best to show. And there was someone with her I don’t know. It’s not the first time either, I think I saw her a week ago but she turned away too quickly then and I didn’t realize… It’s probably best if I show the rest.’

Alastair nodded, and he concentrated to bring both himself and Gideon into Thomas’ memory. He saw the town’s grocery store through Thomas’ eyes, and he tried to slow down the memory.

When Thomas exited the grocery store, he saw a woman enter, a girl behind her. He didn’t think either of them noticed Thomas, whose gaze was fixated on the pair. The first woman was around forty, he guessed, long brown hair and light eyes. Alastair didn’t recognize her, but had to admit she resembled Gideon. The girl behind her didn’t look anything like the Lightwoods. She was unearthly pretty with long silver blonde hair and she wore a long white summer dress that left her shoulders bare. She had to be in her late teens, a daughter? So far Gideon had mentioned Tatiana had had a son, Jesse, who died, but he’d never mentioned her having any other children, nor had Thomas mentioned anyone else. And he’d just said he didn’t know who the girl was.

‘I’m not sure it was really Tatiana, I thought maybe I was just jumpy from everything,’ Thomas said. ‘And I have no idea who that girl could be.’

Thomas turned around and took the car back to the cottage and Alastair reversed the memory, focusing on the part where Thomas had looked at the pair. Gideon has turned pale.

‘That’s her. That’s Tatiana.’

‘But who is that girl with her?’ Alastair asked.

‘I don’t know,’ Gideon said. ‘As far as I know she had no children beside Jesse.’

Alastair took a good look at the girl, but couldn’t see anything unusual about her. Very pale blonde hair, a rosy pale skin, light eyes. She looked around sixteen, but had a perfect clear skin most girls that age didn’t have.

‘She looks kind of helpless,’ Alastair said. ‘The girl, I mean.’

‘I guess so,’ Thomas said. ‘Do you think she’s human?’

‘I’m not sure a supernatural creature could look so helpless next to a regular human woman,’ Alastair said. ‘If she was scared of something far more powerful than her, she’d probably look for another powerful being to protect her, not Tatiana. At the same time, there is something unearthly about how she looks.’

Alastair wasn’t sure what to make of her, but tried to take in as many details as he could. She was dressed in a white summer dress, wearing spotless white ballerina shoes and it occurred to Alastair that if she walked around on these shoes often, they shouldn’t be so white. Alastair was glad he wore mostly black as it didn’t stain as easily.

‘I’m not so sure she’s human,’ Gideon said. ‘I’ve seen a succubus visit my father, she reminds me of her. She’s younger though, but maybe succubae and the likes were children once too.’

They left the memory, returning to the living room of the cottage the Lightwoods had rented. Gideon added some things to his notes, describing the girl.

‘At least we are sure now it was Tatiana,’ Thomas said. ‘Do you think we should go talk to her, now that she’s here?’

‘If I can find out where she’s staying, yes,’ Gideon said. ‘But I think it would be best if I go see her alone, see if I can reason with her.’

Gideon left for the town to see if he could find his sister, promising he’d be back in time for dinner. Alastair hoped he would be safe, he didn’t trust Tatiana in the slightest. He understood why Gideon might want to give her a chance, he’d do the same if Cordelia turned against him. Not that he could picture that happening. She could be annoying, frustrated with him, but she’d never betray him.

Alastair decided to stay a little longer. Thomas wasn’t motivated to play chess anymore after a week of losing every game they’d played. Alastair guessed he made it too difficult, and instead opted for a game of ludo which led to much frustration on Alastair’s part. The dice seemed to favor Thomas.

‘I don’t know how you’re doing it, but you’re cheating,’ Alastair insisted.

Thomas threw his hands up. ‘How am I supposed to cheat. We both use the same die.’

Thomas threw the die and rolled another six. Unbelievable.

‘I’m done with this game,’ Alastair announced when Thomas had won.

‘You won at chess lots of times the past week,’ Thomas said. ‘I only won at this once.’

‘This game is stupid. You’re either cheating, or it’s just luck.’

Thomas smiled, and Alastair was very annoyed that his smile was so attractive. His lips looked soft, and Alastair very much wanted to know if they felt as soft.

‘I think you’re just a sore loser,’ Thomas said.

‘No I’m not,’ Alastair said indignantly. ‘I just don’t like it when games are solely luck based like this one.’

‘You didn’t dislike it before you lost,’ Thomas pointed out.

‘You really have to rub it in, do you?’

‘My sister Eugenia is worse,’ Thomas said. ‘Do not ever play monopoly with Eugenia, it will end in murder if she doesn’t win and she usually doesn’t.’

‘I never liked monopoly,’ Alastair said. ‘You know, the original monopoly was supposed to criticize capitalism. The modern version still does a pretty good job of showing why capitalism is terrible. Unfortunately, it goes over most people’s heads.’

‘In what sense?’ Thomas asked, and Alastair fell into a lecture on why capitalism was terrible.

Charles had been one of those people who insisted that capitalism wasn’t perfect, but it was the best system out there and modern society was only possible because of capitalism, which Alastair thought was stupid. Why assume any modern inventions were only possible because of capitalism and colonialism? When they were still together, Alastair had been very insecure in his own ideas and thoughts. Charles was so much older and wiser, he had to know better. After the break up, Alastair had realized that Charles’ ideas were stupid and mostly convenient to rich white men. He’d grown more confident in his own ideas since then, even if people tended to think he was radical.

‘You’re really passionate about this,’ Thomas said. ‘I like the way you light up when you talk.’

‘I hope you listened to what I said as well as how I said it,’ Alastair said.

‘I did, and you make some very good points,’ Thomas admitted. ‘I always thought we have to work within the system for change, but I admit I’m not expert.’

‘I’ve always been fascinated by political theory,’ Alastair said.

‘But you quit studying politics, right?’ Thomas asked.

‘Most other students didn’t take my ideas seriously,’ Alastair said. ‘Including my ex boyfriend. He wasn’t a student though, he’d already graduated by the time I started. And I’m fairly certain I don’t want to be a politician myself, having to deal with white right wingers all day is exhausting. I don’t know how to explain to them that you should care about other people.

But I spoke to some other students in the university’s multicultural association, and figured sociology might be a better fit for me, and I think doing research, figuring out new solutions and writing about them might be nicer. I’m not great at getting people to like me, let the people with better charm try to convince others I’m right.’

Alastair hadn’t socialized much, but he’d attended a couple of events hosted by the multicultural student association. Since many of the members of that association were Muslim, Alastair could be fairly certain there would be no alcohol there.

‘If it’s any consolation, I like you,’ Thomas said with another sweet smile that definitely made Alastair want to kiss him.

Charles had said the same thing at some point. With his habit of looking through memories, he tended to remember what people said word for word. But Thomas was so genuine in what he said, so open and honest, it wasn’t the same at all.

‘Really?’

‘Of course. You’re clever and passionate and you never make me feel weird or stupid for my interests. And I’m glad you decided to come here this summer, even if the circumstances aren’t as great as we’d hoped. If I’m going to die, I’m glad I had the chance to know you.’

Alastair took Thomas’ hand. ‘You’re not going to die,’ he said. ‘I won’t let you.’

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Lucie Herondale #Cordelia Carstairs #Gideon Lightwood #Thomastair #Lucelia #fic #fanfiction #the last hours #tlh

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fairycosmos · 3 years

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do you also do this thing where you set yourself x amount of time to like, kill yourself? i'm like 'i'll kill myself tomorrow, in a week, etc etc'. and also where you constantly plan and wonder how to do it? like everything i see i wonder if i can use it and how and it obsesses me. i just want to die man

i go through phases of doing that, it's suicidal ideation, yours also sounds like suicidal fixation :( it's awful. i think part of me thinks that if the end is a. coming soon and b. in my control then life will suddenly become more bearable. it's never the case really. i had it pinned at new years for like half of last year, didn't work out, was actually just even more traumatizing. turns out trying to die is actually physically pretty hard and survival instinct is a fucking bitch anyway. its frustratingly more pathological than depression, and those moments where you actually are able to act on your thoughts are usually so intense that they don't last, none of it is built to last. but i understand it's completely exhausting nonetheless. ANYWAY my point is yeah i definitely know what you mean and a lot of people do. it's a very scary place to be in mentally, i'm really sorry. when you're dealing with mental illness and completely disenfranchised by life and the future it's easier than ppl realize to slip into an obsession w death/suicide, but the fact that you have the self awareness to realize its worrying and unhealthy is a really good sign. are you in regular contact w a mental health professional rn? if not i think you could really benefit (even tho ik you don't want to hear that but like, honestly) and if you already are, have you been open about having these thoughts? if you're worried about money you can usually find a therapist w a flexible schedule and sliding scale price to fit around your financial needs. i am completely aware that asking someone to fight for their life and stability when all they can think of is throwing it away is kind of a long shot, but at the end of the day you do deserve better than this. and it really sounds like you need to talk this out w someone who is trained to show you how to map out and cope with your specific brain. finding out why you feel the way you do and analysing root causes, implementing coping mechanisms into ur daily routine, having a care plan, even just having someone to talk to......they r not cures but they do mitigate the damage and make it a little easier to carry. obviously i understand that you've probably been dealing with shit i cant even fathom and i know being vulnerable abt this is a super daunting idea, but i'm just asking you to keep it in consideration for now. and know that it is always an option for you, that you aren't alone. and that you deserve to have a support network, and that these states of mind are often transient even if they are also extremely heavy and hard to handle. it's the worst though, i know. if it all feels like to much please just focus on getting through the next five minutes, that my go to. if thats too much, then the next minute. it's all that exists to us rn anyway. if you ever feel like you're an immediate danger to yourself, please call a loved one, a hotline or a professional as soon as you can. try to get yourself on autopilot, disregard what your brain is spewing and get on the phone to someone. ofc that's way easier said than done but i really hope if it comes to that you're able to do the right thing for yourself even if everything in you is demanding the opposite. ur life has inherent worth and the world is lucky to have you. sending a lot of love.

#anon #tw suicide #talking

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kittyprincessofcats · 3 years

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Sisters coming out

A long personal post that I really need to make because I feel horrible and hopeless right now.

@camilleseydouxs, thank you for being the only one who read the stuff on my personal blog and for your help and encouraging words. It really means a lot.

@sashaforthewin, thank you for coming up with a great excuse to tell my parents - I really wish it had worked, but Covid ruined everything.

For everyone else who might read this, here’s a short summary of what happened so far:

- About four years ago, I (26) came out as a lesbian to my parents. My dad didn’t take it well at first and tried to convince me I was wrong. He came around a weekend later, but still said hurtful stuff sometimes and tried to pressure me into being feminine. My mom was battling mental illness back then and had a lot of problems of her own. She’s pretty homophobic, said a lot of hurtful things over the years and still believes I’ll “find the right guy eventually.”

- My sisters are F (22, almost 23) and L (15). (I’m calling them by initials to tell them apart.)

- F told me a few months ago that she’s asexual, which didn’t really surprise me since she’s never really shown interest in anyone that way.

- L completely surprised me when she came out to me as a trans girl back in August. I’ve been stressing over how to help and support her ever since, because I knew our parents wouldn’t take it well and I really didn’t want her to have to go through what I went though (just even worse, because trans people have it ever harder).

- I found a therapist for L in our hometown that I’ll make an appointment with soon. I’m also seeing a therapist myself because this has been stressing me.

- A friend of mine who’s a trans man recommended a youth group for trans kids to me and I was going to take L there this weekend. But then unfortunately, stuff happened:

- We told our parents we wanted to go on a hike. Our mom said no just because she has anxiety and says no to everything we want to do. She accused me of “wanting to take L away from her” (which didn’t help at all with my fear that she’ll “blame” me for L being trans).

- Our dad was okay with letting us go, except that he was worried about Covid and said we shouldn’t travel right now. We were stuck on how to convince him, so L finally made the decision to tell him that we want to go there for some other reason, but we “can’t tell him the reason yet”. My dad didn’t accept that and kept asking what’s actually going on until L finally came out to him. And well... he didn’t take it nearly as well as I’d hoped. Kept using the wrong pronouns and calling her by her old name (she goes by her nickname right now because she hasn’t picked a new one yet, but he kept using the full, unmistakably male name). He kept saying stuff like “I’m losing my son”, “What did I do wrong?”, “Am I such a bad role-model as a man that you don’t want to be one?”, “I’ll never call you ‘she’”, “Why is my entire life just falling apart this year?” (To be fair, he has had a lot to deal with this year - both of his parents are sick) - basically it was horrible.

- My other sister, F, figured that while my dad was already in shock, she might as well rip the band-aid off and tell him she’s asexual. He did the typical “You just haven’t met the right person yet” deal but otherwise took it way better than when me or L came out.

- As expected, my dad blamed me. Said I was biased because I’m gay, that I shouldn’t have “just accepted” it when L came out to me (basically he would have wanted me to try and convince her she’s a cis guy?), corrected me when I referred to L with she/her pronouns, said that I was the one who “brought these kinds of topics into our family” - all not great.

- My dad also blamed L for telling me and not him and asked why she didn’t tell him months ago. (Duh? Because she knew you’d take it like this while I wouldn’t?)

- The thing is, despite everything he said I still felt bad for my dad. He looked really heartbroken and like he was genuinely in shock. On the way downstairs, he way he walked was all wonky. He said he felt sick and I think he might have actually thrown up. I really did feel bad that this was getting to him so badly - he reacted as if someone had died, not as if his child just came out to him.

- My dad said that our entire extended family is going to blame him for this and see it as a failing on his part. I, in turn, reminded him that I was well aware that he and my mom would blame me - but I chose to support L anyway because that’s more important.

- My dad also played the “this will drive mom fully insane” card, and said some stuff about moving to a different country and leaving us all. (He also made some remark like “now I have 4 mentally ill people in my family” - as if being queer was in any way comparable to our mom’s actual mental illness.) He kept saying that trans women have it so hard and that’s why he doesn’t want L to be one - but it was pretty obvious that he actually just has a problem with it and that was his excuse.

- L ended up saying that she doesn’t want to go to the group tomorrow anymore, because this talk has stressed her so much that she doesn’t feel ready for the added stress of meeting new people.

- L later apologized to me for making me do most of the talking when we talked to our dad (my sweetheart...). I told her not to blame herself for how our parents feel or how it’s stressing me. (She said she’s only worried about me - my angel.)

- The main thing is that I’ve always been very protective of L. She’s 11 years younger than me. I just want her to have less of hard time than I did. And after that talk with our dad, I feel like she’ll have it ten times worse. And I don’t know how else to help.

#LGBT #Coming Out #Homophobia #Transphobia #Transphobic Family #Personal #I'm glad L finally gave me permission to blog about this here #homophobia tw #transphobia tw #aphobia tw #mentions of mental illness

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lovelivingmydreams · 3 years

Text

Logan Anker: Duties

Logan Chapter 1: an end and a beginning

Logan settles into his new house, his new neighborhood and comes to terms with his new responsibilities.

The house was probably far nicer than someone who’d caused as much damage as he had deserved. But Logan was not about to argue with Thomas on any of those things.

Thomas was Manifestor. He still had to get used to that revelation. Thomas has sworn that he only found out when he looked up the address he was supposed to meet him at to escort him to his new home. And Logan believed him.

“If you want, I can come shopping with you for some new things for him,” his old friend and new boss offered as he put down one of the boxes they had packed from Helena’s place.

“Thank you. I will first unpack and then make a list of necessities,” Logan assured him as he gently lowered the child to the couch. “Thanks again for finalizing the adoption so fast…”

“Well it wasn’t all me and it wasn't that hard. You are his blood. And you are actually her sole benefactor other than the little guy and she willed you to be his guardian unless you’d refuse so she made it really easy.”

Logan nodded, feeling guilty as he thought of how much trust she’d had in him.

“Call me if you need help unpacking. Or do you need me to watch him for a bit while you get everything ready?”

Logan shook his head. He was not ready to let the boy too far from his sight yet.

“That won’t be necessary. I will be in touch,” he stated as he took in a deep breath to force his emotions in line. He would manage.

Thomas sighed and handed him a card. “He’s a friend of mine and a good doctor. If you need to talk,” was all he said before leaving.

Logan looked at the card and then put it in his wallet. He’d call once he was properly settled in. It was only logical to make an inventory of his current mental state considering that the physical side of his power… It was in everyone’s best interest if he had his mental and emotional state under control.

He started to sort through Helena’s things. The house was already mostly furnished for him, considering he’d only had the barest necessities while hiding from the law the past few years. And most of Helena’s furniture was due for replacement. The nicest things she owned belonged to the child. And even those weren't new.

Thomas was too kind. He might have a generous reformation budget, but all this was still much more effort than Logan deserved.

He picked up a framed photograph of Helena and her late husband. The boy’s father.

They would’ve been amazing parents. Logan had fond memories of Caleb…

The boy on the couch stirred and sat up rubbing tiredly at his eyes.

“Momma?” he muttered confused and disoriented. That was the hardest. How to make it clear to a 2 year old that his mother was gone and that this was his home now?

Logan walked over to the couch and sat down next to the boy who looked up to him with a confused frown.

“It’s okay. You are safe. Do you want something to eat?” Logan asked. He didn’t have the strength to try to explain what happened again.

The boy nodded. “Yes please,” he said softly, a little sad. Maybe he did remember being told that his mother was never going to come back. It was possible that he simply had been dreaming and was disoriented by reality. It happened sometimes. Logan would most likely forget she was gone on occasion too. Grief played cruel tricks on your mind like that.

“Very well.”

After their meal Logan sat the child down with a Disney movie and continued unpacking.

Then the doorbell rang. Was Thomas checking up on him already?

Logan looked over at the boy to make sure he was okay before leaving the room. He opened the door to find a young couple with a toddler greeting him.

“Hi!” The woman smiled with a wave. “My name is Celine, this is my husband David and our son Janus,” she introduced herself and her family. Janus was hiding half his face in his mother’s skirt.

“We are your next door neighbors and we thought we’d come and say hi and welcome to the neighborhood.”

Logan nodded. “I see. Thank you very much. I am doctor Logan Anker. I will be teaching biochemistry at the university starting this fall,” he explained as he shook the adults’ hands. He knelt down and addressed Janus. “It is a pleasure to meet you too Janus,” he informed the small boy who just hid away more. He rose again to address the adults, accepting that Janus simply was not comfortable around a stranger and then he felt a figure behind him. He stepped to the side and looked down to find the boy. He was looking at the strangers with curious but wary eyes.

“Oh, and what is your name?” Celine asked kindly bowing down a little.

“Vigi Aner, ma” he mumbled.

“Oh, your son is so polite,” she complemented.

“Nephew actually,” Logan corrected.

“Oh… oh,” Celine looked to her husband, unsure what to do.

“Our apologies, we didn’t mean to assume,” he offered calmly.

“It is quite alright. Your assumption was not without reason. We recently lost his mother.”

Murderer… No those thoughts were not helpful or correct. Yes I am to blame, but there was no ill intent.

“I am his legal guardian.”

The couple nodded. “Well if you ever need a babysit. I design websites and work from home mostly, so I’m always available,” David explained.

“And of course he is always welcome for a playdate,” Celine added. “Right Janus?” she asked as she looked down.

The child didn’t move for a moment but then stepped forward revealing his face. Logan didn’t miss the tensing of the parents shoulders. He could understand why. The left half of the boy’s face and neck were covered in birthmarks. He could imagine this got him a lot of stares in public.

His nephew stepped forward too and when Logan looked down he saw him smile and point at the freckles underneath his eyes. “Sun kisses,” he said and the parents relaxed. Janus smiled too and then was pulled inside. “Stitch,” was the only explanation.

Logan could only assume that he wanted to continue his movie and had decided that the other boy might as well join.

The Bullards turned out to be extremely helpful. They made sure he knew to find his way around the neighborhood and Janus and Virgil kept each other entertained.

So after a month, he trusted them enough to leave him with them for a few hours.

“I will be back soon. I promise,” he told the child who nodded and held onto his blankie and stitch plushie. Gifts from Logan in hopes that they would help soothe the stress of all these unexpected changes. The boy had nightmares and seemed easily spooked. Logan did his best to make him feel safe and cared for. He felt terribly unqualified for the job, but he tried to understand and provide in his needs.

Then the door opened and the nervous boy was pulled inside by an excited Janus. Their youngest neighbor had certainly opened up more during the month they’d been here.

His nephew looked back and waved him goodbye. Logan tried to smile encouragingly and waved back before handing the bag with necessities over to David. “Once more, my gratitude,” he offered.

“I should thank you actually. Janus… It’s terrible but he already knows he is different from other kids. Your boy has come as a blessing, truly.”

Logan felt something tug inside him in a way that felt both pleasant and painful. A bittersweet feeling. He’s Helena’s son alright. “Well, in that case, call us even,” he offered before bidding his goodbyes, ensuring David had his number down and leaving. He had an appointment with the therapist Thomas recommended.

“Why do you think you don’t use his name?”

Logan’s head snapped up. What?

The end of his first session was nearing and he’d had half a mind to call Thomas and ask him what made him think this would be a funny joke.

Picani was eccentric to say the least. All cartoon references and terrible jokes.

And now…

“Virgil. You haven’t called him by his name, though we’ve talked about him more than anything else. Even when talking about your sister, your stated reason to come here, you talk about him. Yet somehow you avoid saying his name. If not for your paper work I would have no clue. Why?”

Logan was about to object, but then he realized that he was right. Ever since first meeting him he hadn’t referred to him by name once, not even in his head. Even now the name…

“I… Don’t know,” he muttered astonished.

“I wouldn’t want to draw conclusions based on this one conversation of course, but is it alright if I suggest some possible explanations?” Logan nodded intrigued. Maybe Thomas hadn’t been playing a prank after all…

“It could be out of fear to grow attached to him. Or maybe you don’t think you deserve to be close to him. Does that sound like I’m in the right direction?”

Logan went over that in his head. It… wasn’t rational. But the feeling of guilt he felt every time he found himself enjoying the boy’s presence in his life even a little… That wasn’t rational either.

Just the night before he’d given him a bath and when he splashed at the water squealing with laughter he had found himself chuckling as well only to have the wind knocked out of him when he realized that Helena would never get to see this again.

“I guess… It’s just… Helena should be doing these things with him. Not me. I’m not fit…”

“Now I hate to interrupt you, but I have to disagree. You have everything you need to be a good father. You are responsible, attentive and have even indicated yourself that Virgil’s needs take priority. That is an excellent foundation to build from.”

Logan nodded. Rationally the doctor made sense.

“That is our time I’m afraid. But I think we can work with this. I’d like you to reflect on your relationship and interactions with Virgil over the coming week, even if you don’t plan on coming back. You’ll be starting at the university tomorrow, right?”

Logan nodded. “First as the new professor, and in the evening I’ll meet the team I’ll be working alongside with as Brainstorm.” It had seemed pointless to hide that part of his situation. And as it turned out, Picani knew of Thomas' secret too. Which was probably why Thomas recommended him. And Logan had to admit, despite his odd behavior the ,man was clever and observant.

“And… I’ll let you know how things go next week,” he assured the doctor who smiled relieved.

“They wore themselves out in the garden,” Celine explained with a fond whisper as she led Logan to the living room where David was sitting on the couch next to the boys who were holding onto each other in their sleep. Logan felt his heart swell with emotion and this time, as an experiment, he didn’t try to push it down. He let himself feel how the little boy on that couch had quickly claimed a place in his heart and was making it his home.

“Hi…” David greeted before gently nudging his nephew awake.

“Look who’s here buddy?” he asked.

The boy… Virgil, blinked blearily before focusing on Logan who’d accepted the supply bag from Celine. Virgil reached for him, grabbing with his arms, clearly asking to be picked up.

Logan chuckled and lifted him up in his arms, allowing himself to feel how glad he was to have him there, safe and sound.

“Hi papa.” That made Logan freeze. Virgil never called him… He called him Lo… Not…

“He heard Janus call me daddy and papa and today he asked what it was. I said it was like a mom but a boy. I guess he decided that means you for him,” David explains as he lifted his own son up in his arms.

“Ah…”

Logan didn’t say anything more after that. He went home and put Virgil in his bed so he could finish his nap there. He watched over him and stroked at his hair.

Funny, what seemed like a monumental task only minutes ago, was now accomplished for him it seemed. Virgil had decided that Logan was a parental figure. He had compared him to Helena and decided he measured up. Logan could not argue with that.

Logan sighed and went downstairs to dig through the last box that was still not unpacked.

It was filled with pictures and memento’s of Helena and Caleb. He looked at a picture of the last birthday Logan had spent with both of them. “I’ll look after him Helena. I’ll be the best father I possibly can be.”

“Papa?” Logan put the picture away and walked up the stairs to see to his son.

@moonlightshow00 @naturallyunstablegamer @alias290 @meowthefluffy @frida0043

3)Allies

Masterlist

#sanders sides #ts sides #virgil sanders #logan sanders #fic #hero au

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dread-and-despair-dyke · 3 years

Note

Are you able to go for a walk? Preferably in a park or in nature? I know walking for 30 minutes to an hour while looking at nature or observing animals (or even just listening to music) tends to calm me down and put me in a slightly better mood when I'm in a bad headspace. Taking a bath, washing/doing my hair, using one of those face masks, etc. Anything where you're taking care of your body might help. And trying to be as present as you can and focusing on the sensation. I'm not the best at doing that but sometimes it helps when I get a little too stuck in my head.

I hope you feel better soon 💕

this is very sweet of u anon ily so much

it's like 11pm here rn, and i get anxious walking out in the dark so i cant do that rn unfortunately but i think ill try and go out tomorrow, it wld be good for me i think

as per recommendation of my therapist and other people here, I try to think abt mindfulness techniques and being present in the moment, but i think maybe i just need more practice on that kind of thing! since i can't currently get it to work lol ;w; i will try to get an early night maybe, and do some of these things tmrrw <3 <3 <3

going to ramble-vent aimlessly under the cut, nothing coherent

nobody needs to read this but its only in this post bc i thought abt it in relation to the things mentioned above

but i think somth i struggle with is having issues with depressive or anxious thoughts/emotions coming in if I'm not intensely preoccupied - e.g. if im showering or taking a bath (don't worry, i do these things anyway lol), taking a walk (dont do this one as often, whoops), other things where the activity doesn't require much 'thinking', I start to spiral into anxiety particularly in those moments where I don't have something to think about

And my levels of how preoccupied i have to be to avoid the anxious thoughts coming in have only gotten higher over time- now i can be trying to play a game or listen to music and bring myself back to focusing on it every 30 seconds or so, but I still manage to get anxious about whatever it is in my mind at that time. It is the same whether I am doing nothing, or am occupied with one thing, or occupied with three things; I can't let the thoughts pass through, they just stay in my brain stubbornly and don't leave until they've reached their conclusion half an hour later, at which point I am mentally exhausted from overthinking so rapidly for so long, emotionally exhausted from all the anxiety, and physically just kind of achy from standing up in a shower for half an hour. At which point, I get out and then lie in bed for the rest of the day because being alive feel so goddamn bad.

i think it's because, my mind not being preoccupied means I have to think about things in real life! ah, i get to think about such joyous things as: how absolutely incapable of feeling connection with others I am, how subsequently lonely i am, my actions and mistakes, the way that even my best efforts aren't enough for people, every hypothetical situation in which a problem might arise, how i should prepare for each of those hypothetical and unlikely problems, how i would fix any and every problem, how people perceive me, how i'm a burden to the people around me, the way that my best judgement will always still be 'bigoted' to somebody, my responsibilities that i have long abandoned, the people i used to know whose lives continue while i stay stagnant, the way that i can't keep putting off these issues forever, general existential dread...

...and other fun things to think about for half an hour while I stand in the shower forgetting that i was meant to be actually showering!

I have spoken with my therapist about these things before, I think. We talk through the logic of it, and of course there are always CBT sheets talking about how it isn't accurate to real life to think in such a way, and sometimes i agree. but even when I do agree, it doesn't stop the thoughts from happening. they happen whether i agree with the logic behind them or not, the logic is always biased in favour of assuming the worst outcome of everything, because that's just how I'm used to thinking. Because that's how life goes anyway, It's always bad, even if an outcome initially assumed to be 'good' happens, it turns out to be bad anyway, or at best it turns out to be just neutral.

There is no good, there is just hope sometimes, and love. But I don't have those things either! oh well. time to sleep.

#deepthoughtsTM #this one got uhh pretty fuckin long bois #haha what if i screencapped this and sent it to my therapist who i havent spoken to in months #im sure she would #uh #probably suggest i schedule another appointment with her #but i find talking so hard #i cant stay mentally present in the conversation bc im too busy worrying about how hard it is to stay mentally present in the conversation

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takonei · 3 years

Text

Beta AU - Main story, Chapter 5, daily life (Part 4)

Note of the author: I had a stroke writing this and you will have a stroke reading this. Sincerely: me.

Chapter 5: An oath to one’s lost humanity - Daily life

...

"It hurts."

"It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts."

"Ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts."

"It... It hurts..."

"It hurts... It hurts so much..."

...

Day 20 since the beginning of the game.

8:00 AM.

The morning announcement rang as usual. Shuichi slowly woke up.

Tomorrow could be the end of humanity itself or the end of the killing game. There weren't any other fates awaiting for them.

Hopefully, they would manage to get through the exisal hangar and destroy them.

Kaito's idea may be completely crazy, but that type of madness is what they need right now.

The others were probably waiting for him, so he got dressed up and immediately left to go to the dining hall.

He didn't encounter anyone on his way, though.

Once he entered, he noticed Kirumi was already there with Miu.

"Hello there." Kirumi greeted him.

Shuichi took a seat next to her. "Have you two slept well?"

Miu scoffed. "I slept like someone who's fate is decided tomorrow. But thank you for asking."

It's not like they could have anything else on their minds.

The three started eating in silence.

Kaito and Kokichi came in soon after.

Of course, Rantaro and Ryoma were still in their own labs.

Once they were done, Kirumi left to get Rantaro since Ryoma wouldn't leave his lab until tomorrow.

The medic didn't seem to get better. His empty eyes held the same heaviness for the past three days. The only thing that changed was how good he was at composing himself in front of them- an ability that seemed to worsen over the days, but that no one commented due to how he would potentially react.

"So? Did Ryoma finish the weapons?" Kaito asked.

"He said he'll be done by the end of the morning. After we eat lunch, I'll get the weapons and you guys will be able to enter the hangar." he replied.

After lunch... It was fine. They would have enough time. And besides, he could prepare himself mentally for this operation.

"Hold on, you're not coming?" Miu asked.

He shook his head. "Nah. There are still things I need to do. Besides I don't think all of us going will be useful. Can I leave this to you guys?"

"Don't worry, we'll take care of these, no sweat!" Miu gave him a thumbs-up.

Rantaro had a point. There were only five exisals. Six of them going would be a waste of time.

"What do we do in the meantime?" Kokichi glanced at the others.

"Well, we can still train, right?" Miu suggested. "It can be useful for later!"

"While on the subject of training..." Kirumi mildly raised a hand. "It has come to my attention that someone here might need more than just training."

Shuichi felt her eyes on him.

"I will take Shuichi with me for this morning if none of you are against the idea."

He swallowed.

The others didn't comply, to his dismay. He glanced at Kaito whose eyes simply said: "Good luck."

Training with Kirumi was probably going to be the most painful experience yet.

The group separated, Rantaro still going to do... 'His own business' as he puts it in his lab and the rest of them left to do their own training.

He followed Kirumi to Tenko's lab. He didn't even want to know what she was going to do to him.

Unless... She had ulterior motives?

Once inside, Kirumi closed the door.

"So."

Shuichi turned to her.

"Now that we are alone, we can finally talk in peace."

He let out a sigh of relief.

"We are not going to be able to talk to Ryoma until the time limit. That's going to be very problematic."

"Y-Yeah..."

Should he talk about how he found Rantaro yesterday? At the same time, this looked like a really personal matter, but Kirumi was the only one he could talk to about the situation.

"We're going to have to proceed differently. Forcing him wouldn't help, I know that, but when I went to get him, he was asleep on his desk. And I mean 'collapsed' asleep." she explained.

"Huh? What was he even doing in his lab?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Beats me. There were different products on the table. Different types of painkillers, from weak to very strong ones."

He hummed. "Were all the bottles opened?"

"I did not make a thorough inspection, but overall most of them were opened at some point, I think."

Shuichi thought back at what could possibly have happened in the lab. And more importantly, the syringe he managed to get a glimpse of. Did it have anything to do with it?

After a moment of silence, Kirumi sighed, rubbing her eyes. "This guy really is giving me a headache."

He couldn't disagree. At least with Kokichi, they knew what was wrong and now know how to avoid problems when it comes to his trauma, but they didn't even know what was up with Rantaro since he refused to talk to anyone other than presumably Ryoma. And the latter didn't talk to anyone else either.

"So... What do we do?" he asked.

She thought for a moment. "... You have Kiyo's notebook, correct?"

His eyes widened. Of course!

"Y-Yes, hold on..."

He rummaged through his pocket and took out the small, dark blue notebook of the now-deceased therapist.

"Kiyo trusted you with this notebook. Not me. It's for you to make a decision whether you tell me what it says about Rantaro or not."

She was right... He did judge Kirumi trustworthy enough, but he still hid things from her.

"... I think I'll judge after I read it."

She closed her eyes. "Understood."

The mercenary looked back at him. "For now we should keep a very close eye on him. Even more than ever."

"Do you think we should go to his lab?"

She slightly shook her head. "I will go alone. For efficiency purposes."

"Wait!" he exclaimed. "What will we tell the others?"

After a short silence, she made a quick movement under her skirt and took out her monopad, before putting it on the ground.

"You will stay here to read the notebook while I try to check on him. I will not be gone for long, but if the others do end up getting here before I come back, just tell them I had to get something in my room."

He nodded. "U-Understood."

But before she left, he muttered some words.

"... I didn't know you would care so much about him."

She stopped in her tracks.

There was a moment of silence. Had he said anything wrong?

"If that is how you see it. I simply feel like we should make sure he doesn't end up hurting himself."

The mercenary closed the door behind her.

... Kirumi was also a mystery, in some way. While Rantaro helped from the light, she was helping from the shadows.

Even if she hadn't gained the trust of everyone -even sometimes hated for her talent-, she was the only one aside from him to see through Rantaro's decomposing cover and willing to investigate.

His eyes stayed fixated on the door for a while.

Perhaps he should start reading the therapist's notes.

How was that thing even organized?

There were several bookmarks of different colors. Some were folded, some were not.

He opened the first page.

Angie Yonaga - Ultimate craftswoman

Upon a quick glance, he realized everyone was listed in alphabetical order. As for the bookmarks, he tried to see why some were folded, but he quickly put two and two together when he realized only eight of them were not folded.

To read them all would be useless at this point. He turned the pages when he stumbled upon Kirumi's.

What had the therapist deduced about her? Perhaps it could have answers to some of his questions.

He shook his head. The mercenary had left to check on the medic, and his role was to read about him.

Perhaps he still could try to look after reading his part.

He turned the pages to find the green, unfolded bookmark.

Rantaro Amami - Ultimate war medic

He took a deep breath and started reading.

Day 1 report.

Like for everyone else, I am using this notebook to keep track of everyone's behavior, and possibly help them adapt to this environment.

I did not have time to talk much to Rantaro, but he is of the people who stood out the most to me. He seems to already want to take the lead- in a good way. I can sense he has the instinct to do so. He says he is a war medic, I wonder if he was the chief of a crew or if it's just in him to lead people in dangerous situations. Both are plausible, but I shall study him more to see what enabled this behavior.

I do wonder if he has any sort of trauma linked to war, though.

Shuichi almost forgot there was a time Rantaro was the true 'leader' of the group. It felt like an eternity since then. So many things happened from the moment they were captured to now. Half of them have died already and there was a possibility the rest of them would die tomorrow, killing off the last glimmer of hope for humanity.

But the last sentence of the paragraph made him wince. It reminded him of how innocent he seemed back then- before almost killing him.

If Kiyo had a feeling on the first day, then surely he would have gotten more info about it over the days.

Day 6 report.

Rantaro is once again taking the lead by making us watch all of our motive videos to gain our memories back. I thought he was going to get us not to watch the videos, but I was proven wrong. He is more of a strategist than I thought. I do wonder if he has any other tricks up his sleeves to face Monokuma or not. He seems to already know someone is going to kill.

This afternoon only confirmed it to me. He seemed extremely forgiving of Miu's murder attempt, although I could also see a hint of uncertainty. Which is normal when you almost died. I hope he manages to play his cards well.

I cannot help but wonder if this side of him is genuine care for her or 'white manipulation' if you could call it that way. He doesn't seem to have any ill intentions, but if Miu learned she was being manipulated (even for a good cause), she would react very badly, I'm certain of it.

For now, I will stay silent, as I do not know his intentions completely, and to throw accusations would destroy the work he has started.

But if Rantaro is indeed able to manipulate people into acting according to his plans, I can't help but worry about what he could possibly do in the future.

I do hope he will not have to do this again, even though that is necessary, to an extent.

"White manipulation...?" Shuichi muttered.

He did notice how well Rantaro could act. Now he wonders if back then he had only done this to make her side with them.

He does feel bad though, to know that there was a possibility Rantaro was only taking advantage of Miu's feelings for him, completely disregarding the love and respect she had for him.

Shuichi really did hope there was at least a glimpse of sincerity in his words.

But right now, manipulating them? He indeed wanted everyone to act according to his plan to stop Monokuma, but now he wasn't so sure if there were any other intentions behind it or not. Rantaro never attempted murder... if he didn't count 'that' time. He saw it for himself: He was the most useful in the trials, always pointing out details on either the autopsy and major clues to continue.

Right now he was alone in his lab -with possibly Kirumi-, Ryoma was in his own lab and the others were training. But... that was necessary if they wanted to stand a chance against Monokuma.

... Perhaps he should continue reading.

Day 8 report.

Both Kaede and Maki are dead, but the trial let me see strange facets of some of them. Especially Rantaro.

He looks so dedicated to his job, I don't think I've ever seen such loyalty before. As Tsumugi was pushing him over and over again in the hope of getting info out of him, he felt insulted at the theory he would betray us. The emotion he put through his speech- that was genuine. A genuine pride and honor tied to his title as the ultimate war medic. He even insisted he would rather die than betray us.

While I am rather glad someone seemed genuine in his words of never committing treason, it stills makes me feel... Uneasy. I did feel chills hearing that last sentence.

“And I would rather die than to betray this loyalty I swore to myself.”

Those are definitely not the words of a normal person. I can tell he has gone through a lot as a soldier, but then again he never seemed to show any explicit signs of trauma.

I feel like I can trust him. He seems reliable enough as well as a very intelligent person who was a great help during those two trials. And while I do hope we are not going to get a third trial, I am pretty sure he would be just as useful if that happens.

While some of his methods are a bit unorthodox, they do end up being efficient in the end. To entrust Ryoma with his lab key so he wouldn't be able to be pinned for a crime was a smart move. I do hope no one gets the wrong idea with him, though.

As for hiding Miu's murder attempt... He managed to be extremely rational and not let his emotions take the better of him. He could have told everyone about it but preferred to gain her trust instead. Although as I said a few days ago, I do not know for sure if this is about genuine care or manipulation.

Miu did try to kill for her son but backed down because she was unable to actually do it. I think Rantaro sensed her will to fight and is trying to turn it against Monokuma. That's what we are all supposed to do but are too afraid to act because of the consequences. He is trying to redirect us to the path he judges right.

Overall I do not see him as our enemy, but rather as one of the people I trust the most, for now. I hope I will not get proven wrong over time.

'Unorthodox methods' was an understatement.

Shuichi was ready to tell the others about what Miu did, but Rantaro had immediately decided not to. Any normal person would lock her and make sure she couldn't harm anyone else, but he decided to give her a chance, and he was right to do so. That was a huge gamble that paid off in the end.

And to enable their will to fight, not against each other but against Monokuma... That was what he called white manipulation.

He thought about the time he and Kaito had gone to his lab during the third investigation. When they learned Rantaro had kept the lethal aspect of his products a secret. It was like he had managed to plan everything in advance extremely quickly.

Shuichi supposed it's his own talent that granted him this sense of organization.

But Kiyo explicitly said he never showed any worrying signs... Which didn't help in the slightest.

Day 10 report.

Rantaro has volunteered to take care of the ones touched by the despair disease. It is a noble gesture, and a part of me knew that was going to be the case.

Right now there are no more 'leaders' since he will not be with us to limit the risks of contamination. He even asked Himiko not to stay here too much. And while I cannot talk to him face to face, his words still feel genuine.

As a war medic, he should know better than us about this type of situation, so in the meantime, I shall help those who have trouble coping with the killing game.

He looks trained enough to do his job and I trust him for this. For now, I should focus on those I can talk to.

Nothing much to learn here...

Kiyo doesn't seem to doubt Rantaro, but he does not give any sort of information that would help him.

Day 12 report.

Rantaro started giving me mixed feelings. I feel like half of what he says is genuine, and the other half feels... Not exactly wrong, but forced. Like he is forcing himself to act in certain ways. To do certain actions.

Himiko, Keebo and Angie died today. I'm still having a hard time processing it all. But right now I am focusing on things I noticed in Rantaro's attitude.

When most of the group separated to investigate, I stayed with both Ryoma and Rantaro to guard the corpse. Right after everyone left, Rantaro probably became the most expressive I've ever seen him. He was truly mad at Himiko's death, and that was genuine. A feeling of guilt I also sensed after the others' death, but Himiko was the one to stand out the most, and I am sure it is because of her cause of death.

When he found out later the most important parts of Angie's plan were made thanks to his lab, plus the fact she tried to pin the crime on him must have accentuated his guilt. He was trying to hide it so he could solve the trial, but it was there.

The rage against Monokuma when he declared Angie had the bloodlust disease is completely genuine as well, I do not doubt it for one second.

However, when he grabbed Monodam to make him face Himiko's mangled body, he was clearly forcing himself. Was he trying to prove a point to the robots? To encourage us to fight? Or is it something else entirely? I could tell he knew that was not a good idea and that he had the emotional capacity not to snap. He did it with rationality and I cannot tell why he took such risks.

I want to believe in him, but this is starting to worry me. I should try to keep an eye on him.

He is.. pretending? But for what?

What would he even prove to Monokuma by threatening his cub? The bears had much more power than him at the time. Taking risks without any reason behind it was not like Rantaro at all. Was Kiyo wrong?

At least it's more than he ever learned. But still, he knew Rantaro was hiding things, but to fake irrationality... Why? He knew showing signs of weakness could cause the others to lose hope, so why do it on purpose when everything he has done up until now is trying to get them to fight Monokuma?

Or was it like the second theory- to encourage them to fight?

Shuichi had no idea what the medic was thinking, although that was not new.

He should read more.

Day 14 report.

Once again Rantaro took the lead for the 4th motive.

It's not that I mind, but we will have to stay separate for the most part, and Rantaro seems to want to stay with Ryoma for the time being. The two seem close, now that I think about it. And both often give their inputs in the trials, although Ryoma is a bit more silent. I suppose their experiences as soldiers must have made them closer than with anyone else. I do hope I am not wrong by making this assumption.

Although there is something that worries me. Ever since Himiko died, Rantaro seems more on edge. My guess is that since her death was more brutal than the executions themselves added to the fact that he was drugged the time this crime was committed, he must think he could have done better and even save her had he been less 'careless'. I do not know if he knows that it is not his fault, unfortunately. I can only hope. If someone had asked me a few days ago, I would have said with no hesitation that he knew that. But now I'm not so sure anymore.

He may have faked his reaction back in the shrine of judgment, but if more actions end up feeling genuine, I might have to step in.

Himiko's death had shocked everyone, not just Kokichi. Even though the boy was the most mournful, they all deeply missed the astronomer.

Her death changed them all in some way. Miu became way more motherly, Kiyo acted on his own because he judged he was the one to blame for this, Kokichi was torn apart because his disease was the reason she died, and now Shuichi learns that Rantaro was actually feeling the exact same guilt as everyone else.

But finally, he was getting a glimpse of what was wrong- something related to his past on the battlefield and the guilt he is holding.

Surely Kiyo would have...

...

... He didn't have time to get any more information, did he?

This note was written one day before his plan to stop the supposed mastermind. He didn't have time to write more.

However, there was one last note, hastily scribbled on the last page. It looked like Kiyo was in a rush when writing it.

This is the final note I shall write. Everything has gone wrong, and Shuichi, since you are probably the one reading this, I am sorry for lying to you all. I am sorry for betraying you and I shouldn't have made this disastrous plan in the first place, but I need to write this.

It's not that I'm distrusting Rantaro, but something is deeply wrong. Something I don't have an explanation for, and of course I cannot ask him because I have to pretend to investigate with you all.

But the way he was standing, the heaviness in his eyes, the way he reacted to Tsumugi's death, this intense guilt in his expression... It's not something I've ever seen before from him. He always had a comforting smile and a genuine will to help. But now it's different. It's like he completely shut down, only leaving an empty shell deprived of reason.

But that doesn't make any kind of sense. He didn't show even a single sign of trauma up until very recently. Not a single time. I've noticed his actions started feeling off during the motive and brushed it off because I was focusing on the mastermind, but there was a hint of hesitation, of uncertainty that was never present in him. But now that Tsumugi is dead, he has been showing those signs of trauma -whether it is indeed PTSD or something worse- more than ever.

I fail to see the meaning of this, but that may be because I didn't have time to talk to him at all. He might have just completely snapped all at once. It's very rare to be able to swallow all the pain that well, but if we keep in mind his early life, that actually might not be that much of a stretch.

Anyway, I know this is going to be hard considering he is not the type to let himself crumble -besides the eventual faking-, but I need you guys to keep an eye on him and possibly help him with this. He is the one who will need it the most.

I will not be here to help you and I don't have the time to write methods on how to deal with PTSD, and I do not know how to deal with war trauma of all things. Added to the fact I didn't get to witness it much, all I can say is good luck. I know you can help with patience and perseverance.

I have faith in you all.

...

A note before the trial. The last thoughts of the therapist about them. But...

What did this even mean?

Somehow he could understand the 'shut down' part due to what he witnessed these last few days... But he could not even apprehend anything else on this note.

"He showed subtle signs and then... broke d-

The door opened, startling him. He instinctively closed the notebook, letting out a high-pitched noise. "Ah!-"

Kirumi stared at him for a moment. "... I'm back."

"I-I can see that."

She approached him. "So? Anything new?"

Shuichi looked back at the notebook for a moment. "He... never mentions any sort of trauma. Only that it seemed... sudden."

The mercenary raised an eyebrow. "Sudden...?"

"He said he only showed very subtle signs of trauma but never mentioned anything else about it. Only that he seemed to have snapped when Tsumugi died."

She pondered for a moment. "... Which does not help us apprehend the situation at all."

"He only mentioned PTSD or 'maybe worse', but he never got to talk to Rantaro about it."

"Rantaro stayed with the ill ones during the third motive, and we had to stay separated during the fourth motive. So I can understand that part."

Shuichi stared at the notebook for a moment. "Was the mastermind... trying to do that?"

She looked back at him, frowning. "What do you mean?"

"Trying to separate Rantaro from Kiyo- the therapist. Rantaro is one of the smartest ones here... Were they trying to make sure those two couldn't talk?"

She narrowed her eyes. "I am starting to think this is a possibility."

"They have managed to manipulate Kiyo, I wouldn't be surprised if they took Rantaro's trauma at their advantage. To exploit the weaknesses of the ones causing them the most trouble."

He winced at the thought. "Which means we'll have to keep an eye on him at all times... If he lets us."

"Which I doubt he will. You should know Rantaro by now as well as I do."

He could only agree.

"Wait, how did it go? Did you... talk to him?"

She went silent for a moment. "I did confront him, yes."

He felt his heart skip a beat. "S-So...?"

"He refuses to say anything. I did try to ask him to join us in our training and at least be with someone, but he snapped at me saying he already trains alone, and has the medicine to prepare. I couldn't get a single thing out of him."

"Oh..."

There was a long silence.

"Should we... train anyway?"

"Sure. What I do is more of an aiming exercise than something physical. A technical exercise, if you will."

At least he wouldn't get exhausted this time.

Kirumi first gave him a simple exercise with the target and the darts from Kokichi's lab, which at first didn't sound too bad. That is, until they changed the difficulty from 'peaceful' to 'throwing knives at a moving target.' At least his aim at the end of the training was decent.

Finally, Kokichi went to get them for lunch.

After that, Rantaro would get the weapons and they would finally make their way to the exisal hangar.

Hopefully, his plan would work.

They reunited, but lunch was pretty silent as they didn't have much to say.

After eating, they stood up.

"So? What about those weapons?" Kaito asked.

"I will go to Ryoma's lab. You guys can still train in the meantime if you want." the medic replied.

Did that mean it was going to take longer than expected?

Either way, Rantaro was already on his way.

"So... What do we do now?" Kokichi looked at the others.

"I guess we're back on preparing ourselves." Kaito shrugged. "Not like we have much to do."

"Then how about we go to the warehouse? There are still the dumbells here!" Miu suggested. "And you will have to train your strength one day or another!" she pointed at Kokichi.

"O-Okay??"

They made their way here. But as soon as Miu started going through the boxes, the lights suddenly turned off.

They stood there for a moment. The sun still shone through the windows, but the additional lights were gone.

"Weird... Aren't they always turned on?" Kaito raised an eyebrow.

"That is strange. None of us pressed a switch or anything similar." Kirumi noted.

"I'm guessing the power went out..." Shuichi noted. "But it never happened in the academy, did it?"

Kaito shook his head. "Nope. Not even once."

"Well, I guess there's a first time for everything." Miu shrugged. "Should we go outside instead?"

They didn't have many solutions. It was still too dark to do proper training.

The group made their way outside. Since Rantaro would soon come with the weapons, they decided to do simple exercises outside.

Shuichi was still anxious about this. Sure, he knew a way to open the hangar, but would the weapons work? Surely, Monokuma would try to do something, right?

Who knows.

Around fifteen minutes, later, Kaito broke the silence. "What's taking him so long? I know Ryoma's lab is on the fifth floor but still."

"Agreed..." Shuichi muttered.

"Should we go and see what happened? Maybe the blackout did something." Miu suggested.

"No need for it. He's right here." Kirumi said, head turned towards the main door where Rantaro just appeared.

He had a backpack that Shuichi assumed to be full.

He approached the group, put the bag on the ground, and opened it.

"Those are the weapons we used for the tunnels and new ones. There are now grenades in there that are powerful enough to do heavy damage, so be careful keeping a safe distance when activating them. You guys should be able to disable the exisals with that." Rantaro explained.

Grenades powerful enough to destroy exisals?

That was definitely not what he had in mind, but... Perhaps they could change their plans, if Kaito accepts giving up on his dream to pilot the exisals.

"So you are still not coming with us?" Kirumi asked.

The medic thought for a moment.

"... Perhaps it should be better if I go with you guys indeed."

Rantaro didn't say anything as he distributed the weapons to everyone. The grenades looked very small compared to the damage they are supposed to do. They were about the size of a tennis ball, with Ryoma's sigil printed on them. They were a bit heavier than what Shuichi expected an item of this size to be, but it wasn't too bothering.

"Shuichi, I really do hope your method will work." Kaito said.

"Even if it doesn't, I'm pretty sure these will be enough to destroy the door." Rantaro eyed him.

He did hope this would work indeed. Not that he disliked the bombs, but it still worried him.

They made their way to the exisal hangar.

Shuichi noticed the lights were still on, which meant the blackout hadn't touched the hangar.

"That's weird... I thought the blackout happened in the entire academy." he noted.

"Yeah, that's right! Is it because it only touched the main building or something?" Miu added.

"Strange. Rantaro, did you also get it on the fifth floor?" Kirumi asked.

"I did experience it. Fortunately, there were emergency lights in Ryoma's lab. He said he'll work a way to create a sustainable light source in case this ends up being a long term problem."

Shuichi wondered if all the labs had those. Probably, but he would have to check sometime.

This made him worry about the state of the academy. Perhaps throwing bombs around and using hacking guns could do serious damage, and without electricity and thus heating, refrigerators, and many other essential elements in the academy. they were better off dead.

At last, they reached the shutter.

"So? Will you finally tell us your technique?" Kaito asked again.

Shuichi nervously approached the pad where he had to type the password.

"... Kokichi, could you come here for a second?"

"Um... Sure..."

The smaller boy placed himself next to him. "What... do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Let me just..." He placed a hand on the keys, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.

He could sense the others silently wondering what he was up to.

"... Actually no. Miu, can you come here too, please?"

She raised an eyebrow. "O...kay? What's the big deal?"

"I want you to press keys at random until I say stop."

They all looked at him with dumbfounded eyes -except Rantaro, who somehow already knew what the plan was-.

"What the fuck?! That's your plan?" Miu exclaimed.

"There's one in a trillion of a trillion chance she'll get it right! Did you seriously think this would work?!" Kaito added.

"No, it can work."

Everyone turned to Rantaro.

"There is a chance it can work. Right Kokichi?"

The smaller boy jumped. "Y-Yes... I think she can do it."

"If karma is fully on her side, then I think she can get this one in a billion chances."

Her eyes widened and turned to the violinist. "You planned to use karma for this??"

He nodded. "That's why I'm asking you to type the code. You out of all of us are the most likely to succeed."

The street artist felt the gazes of her friends on her.

"I... I'll try."

She placed her hands on the pad. "So... I just type random numbers?"

"Yes, don't think while you type. And stop the exact moment I tell you to."

She paused in front of the pad. Shuichi closed his eyes to focus.

Miu closed hers as well and started typing, the beeping echoing through the room.

The intervals between the noises were short, but keeping track of them wasn't much of a problem.

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep-

"STOP!"

Miu instinctively took her hands off. "Is it good?"

Shuichi swallowed. "I think we can press enter."

He was very nervous. He really hoped this would work.

tic!

A loading logo appeared on the pad, everyone staring at the machine with anxiousness.

Password correct!

Shuichi's eyes widened. "It... worked?"

Miu laughed and started ruffling his hair. "It worked! Shuichi, you're a genius!"

"I-I guess? Thank you?"

"And thanks for the karma, Kokichi! We couldn't have done it without you!"

He weakly smiled. "T-Thanks, Miu."

Kaito cracked his knuckles. "Alright! Now that this thing's open we can get in!"

"We shouldn't let our guard down. We don't know if Monokuma is ready to stop us or not." Kirumi advised.

"Agreed." Rantaro added.

They proceeded with caution as the door opened for them.

They slowly entered the hangar, checking every side to see if the bear was here to stop them.

... But nobody came.

"So." Rantaro approached the first exisal with his hacking gun, pointing it at the machine. "If the gun works, the exisal opens."

Kokichi looked unsure. "And... What if it doesn't?"

The medic shot a quick glance at him.

"... Then we're blowing this place up."

Shuichi felt his heart skip a beat. When he had requested weapons to Ryoma... This isn't what he had in mind in the slightest.

"H-Hold on! Ain't that a tad too dangerous?" Kaito exclaimed.

"Well, do you have any other plans?"

The biker went silent. "N-No..."

"If they don't open with the guns, we have no choice but to destroy them."

He took the grenade to look at it. "Ryoma made these specifically to destroy them. He is the ultimate weapons maker, I'm pretty sure those bombs are more than enough."

Shuichi was still worried. If Ryoma's bombs were as powerful as he just said, weren't there risks they would hurt or even kill themselves?

He could only hope the guns would work.

Rantaro pointed the gun at the blue exisal and shot it five times.

But it didn't move.

"Perhaps we should check if we can open it." Kirumi suggested.

She approached the engine and tried to move it...

... Without success.

"S-So the guns don't work?" Miu asked, already knowing what's coming.

"Nope. That means the system to open them isn't electric, but mechanical. We can't do anything with the guns." Rantaro noted.

Kirumi crossed her arms. "I had inspected them several times the day we discovered the hangar. They don't have an opening mechanism that can be used by hand."

"Then... We have to destroy the exisals?" Shuichi looked at the two.

"... We don't have a choice."

He didn't expect Miu to say that.

"We have a way to put an end to this, so let's blow these up!"

"Are you sure about this?" Kaito turned to her.

She nodded. "If you want to, you can wait for us outside. Just give your bomb and we'll take care of it!"

Since Kaito couldn't run, to escape the explosion would be hard. Perhaps he should indeed distance himself so he wouldn't have to risk his life.

The biker gave his bomb to Miu and left.

"See you soon, good luck!" He waved at Miu, who waved back. "Gotcha!"

Everyone had their bombs in hand.

"You pull the grip, throw next to the exisals and run away as fast as you can. Ryoma told me we have ten seconds to run before they explode. Which should give us enough time to distance ourselves from the explosion. Got it?"

Shuichi nodded.

"3..."

He held firmly the grenade.

"2..."

Hand on the trigger, hoping this would go well.

"1..."

He was about to pull the grip, but-

"AHEM!"

A familiar robotic voice was heard from behind them.

A voice they all hated.

They all turned around to see Monokuma had made his apparition.

"My, my! That was quite the elaborated plan! I'm sad you guys don't put that much effort into killing! To use Kokichi's karma to open the door, then grenades to destroy the exisals? I didn't think you would go that far!"

... Well. Shit.

Of course, Monokuma would barge in at some point. It was about time he did something to annoy them.

"However, that would be very unfortunate for me if you guys end up destroying my precious exisals!"

Rantaro glared at him. "You just had to ruin our plans, didn't you? I was surprised you didn't show up sooner."

"I wouldn't call it 'ruining your plans'. You see, I call it 'Killing game management'!"

Kirumi rolled her eyes. "So? Stop beating around the bush and tell us what you're planning to do."

He groaned. "Impatient, aren't we? Let me at least make things enjoyable for our audience!"

Kaito looked at him with a deadpanned expression. "Stop fucking around, you stupid dramatic theater kid. No one is watching and no one cares."

"Fine! Fine! I simply added an additional rule for our lovely stay at the academy! Make sure to keep it in mind!~"

Shuichi took out his monopad that just vibrated and turned it on to see the new rule.

#17: Any person damaging the headmaster's personal property (Exisals, kids) will be faced with punishment.

"Oh, come on!" Miu yelled. "Couldn't you tell us sooner?!"

"Puhuhu! Why would I? It was fascinating to watch all of you prepare this meticulous plan, and to almost destroy my precious exisals! By the way..."

The bear took out a set of keys he span around his paw. Four keys, each marked with a color- blue, red, pink, and yellow.

"Those exisals can only be opened by my precious cubs! I would never -ever- give you guys the keys!"

If the cubs had the keys and Monokuma took them back after their deaths, then only Monodam had his key left.

Although that didn't mean he would help them.

"Now, shoo! You wouldn't want to be executed for such an idiotic mistake!"

Shuichi was mad. But he had to restrain himself. He glanced at the others.

They didn't have a choice but to leave, no matter how much they wanted to complete their plan.

The group slowly walked out, disappointed by the outcome of this mission.

They had to go back to the original plan, to fight the exisals once the time limit comes.

Miu explained to Kaito what happened back there, the latter also mad at Monokuma.

"So... What do we do now?" Kokichi asked.

"We'll stick to what we planned to do. You guys continue your training, I'll bring back the bombs to Ryoma."

Shuichi didn't expect anything else.

He thought about the notebook. Should he make an excuse to read more of it? Perhaps he could try to understand better what Kiyo was trying to say, and he was also curious about Kirumi.

But at the same time, he had to train with the others. They wouldn't be able to survive if he doesn't get fit before the next day.

Rantaro left to go to the main building.

Kirumi was keeping an eye on him. She obviously didn't like the idea of leaving him alone.

And neither did Shuichi

"K-Kirumi? You did aiming exercises with Shuichi, right?" Kokichi turned to the mercenary.

"Yes, I did. I am guessing you would like to train with me?"

He nodded. "I know I don't have any kind of brute force, but... I still should try to get better at aiming, right?"

She hummed. "It would be preferable, yes."

Miu put her hands on her hips. "We may have failed now, but we're not giving up! C'mon, Shuichi! I heard from Kaito you weren't exactly the strongest~"

Shit.

"R-Right..." he faked a smile.

Kaito wrapped an arm around his neck. "You're coming with us whether you like it or not!"

He could throw the plan to keep an eye on Rantaro in the trashcan, then.

But they were right on one thing: They needed to train.

They headed to the main building, but noticed the blackout was still happening.

"When will Monokuma bring the lights back? Sheesh, he could at least do that instead of giving us stupid rules." Miu groaned.

"Do we still train here or...?" Kaito crossed his arms.

She hummed. "I guess we can take the dumbells outside. That's gonna be our first exercise!"

... He was going to be the one transporting them, wasn't he?

The trio got to the warehouse, thankfully still illuminated a bit by the sunlight.

"Hey Shuichi! Take those dumbells outside, would ya?" the street artist grinned.

I knew it.

They ended up encouraging him as he transported the heavy box outside. The encouragements didn't do much, but it was still nice to have them by his side.

The three trained for a while. Shuichi was getting better, to the others' pleasure.

Good thing those two were good at motivating.

"I'm... I'm exhausted..."

Kaito laughed. "Alright, alright. We can take a break."

Shuichi laid on the grass and looked up to the sky- or rather the fake sky.

It may be nothing but a screen simulating the day/night cycle, but that was also the symbol of all the efforts the Gofer project scientists had put to ensure their survival.

They could not fail this fight. Not now.

There was a long silence.

...

"Do you think we're going to make it?" he asked.

Ryoma could make weapons, yes, but would that be enough against Monokuma?

Did he have any other trick up his sleeve?

What would... What would the one behind it all do?

"I have hope in us."

As expected, Miu was the one to talk.

"I said it before and I say it again. We can't consider defeat as an option. Whatever is in front of us we will fight it."

"I promised to Kaz that I would live, that I would be one of the salvagers of humanity, and I'm keeping my promise."

"And I want you guys by my side too."

But no matter how many encouragements Miu would give, his worry would never die down.

However, seeing her so determined about this helped a little anyway.

After a long pause, they decided to continue the training, this time he and Miu cheering for Kaito who was trying to run with dumbells. He did end up falling more than once, though.

But every single time he got back up. Sometimes needing help, but overall being more than able to help for the next day.

Perhaps those training sessions did more good than he thought, both physically and mentally.

Some long hours later, they could see the sunset in the distance as they all sat on the ground.

...

"This... This may be the last time we ever see the sun setting. If we can even call it that way." Kaito broke the silence.

Miu groaned. "What did I say earlier?! We are going to fight! And we are going to win!"

"I know! I know! But still!"

Miu turned to the source of this beautiful golden light. "... But I get what you mean."

The screens reflected almost perfectly the colors they used to watch on summer nights, back before the killing game.

When everything was normal.

...

"Oh, you guys are here!"

A voice came from behind- Kokichi.

"Hey there! Have you guys trained well?"

Kirumi, who was accompanying Kokichi, approached the group as well. "We are fine."

The two turned to the sunset as well. A calm and peaceful scene.

A wave of nostalgia hit him. Of summers spent with friends, dancing around the beach with their families watching them.

Moments he wanted so much to live again, but couldn't.

...

"I see things are going well on your side."

Shuichi almost jumped at the voice.

Rantaro had joined them as well, to his surprise.

"I'm glad you guys are still up to this very last battle." he said with a weak smile- a weak smile still not hiding the emptiness in his tired eyes.

"Anytime, sweetie! We're ready to fight!" Miu gave him a thumbs-up.

Shuichi couldn't help but smile as well. "I've been getting stronger thanks to you all. I think... I think we can do this."

"T-That's right! We've been training and I'm sure that with Ryoma's weapons we can end this!" Kokichi exclaimed- although his voice was still lower than most of theirs.

"Then I believe we can survive this fight." Kirumi crossed her arms, her voice low, but confident. "I believe tomorrow this killing game will end."

It was rare hearing such words from her, but they truly felt sincere.

"Then how about we take a break?" Kaito suggested, standing up. "We've been training all day, how about we relax a little?"

Rantaro sighed. "As much as I hate it, I have to agree. Perhaps we should indeed end for today."

Shuichi smiled. Finally, the medic admitted taking a break was necessary.

The group stared off into space.

The sky may be nothing but a pale copy of reality, but those rays of sunlight still warmed their hearts.

They were here. Six of the seven survivors of humanity. And if they were chosen as ultimates to save it, then they were going to fight until their very last breath.

Their journey was coming to an end.

A long and painful journey of what felt like endless suffering.

Tomorrow would mark an end to this game, and they would finally live in peace.

But right now, they just enjoyed the silence. The comforting artificial light from the dome.

Though the wind was not present, Shuichi could almost feel a light breeze on his face.

A calm before the storm, and hopefully then, calmer than they ever have been.

...

Shuichi turned back to the group. "How about we relax for an hour and then we get to dinner?"

"Sounds good to me! I need a shower." Miu stood up as well.

They all agreed, heading back to the dorms.

Shuichi started walking but noticed Rantaro was staring at the building- or the void, most likely.

"Are you okay, Rantaro?"

He turned back to the violinist. "Huh? Sorry, I'm coming."

Once in his room, Shuichi let out a sigh. He really needed a shower as well.

After that, he looked at his monopad. 45 minutes left before going to the dining hall. Perhaps he could finally read a part of Kiyo's notebook.

He sat on his bed and opened it to Kirumi's page.

The violinist may be worried about Rantaro, but he was curious about her as well.

Kirumi Tojo - Ultimate maid (?) mercenary

Shuichi forgot for a moment she was known as the ultimate maid for a while. But if he did note a question mark, did that mean he was doubting her even before the reveal? That wasn't that surprising actually.

Day 1 report.

Like for everyone else, I am using this notebook to keep track of everyone's behavior, and possibly help them adapt to this environment.

I do not know this person well, I will admit. However, I am pretty sure she was lying about her talent, at least partially. She may be in a maid outfit, but I have a feeling she is hiding things. I do not wish to point things out so soon. After all, cooperation is the key to survival in a killing game. One simple thing could lead to a disaster.

Who knows what would happen if I exposed her as a liar so soon. Besides, I lack concrete evidence to do so. I should keep an eye on her to see if I can get any information out of her behavior.

Even on day 1? Shuichi didn't know what he expected, but certainly not that soon.

Good thing he didn't expose her back then, though. He doesn't even know how he would have reacted.

He did learn it during a trial, which was why he had to brush it off rather quickly to solve the current mystery, but had she been exposed at any other moment he would have probably panicked a lot more.

At least Kiyo knew what consequences it would have had.

Day 5 report.

Kirumi is definitely not the ultimate maid.

I have heard from Tsumugi's group that Kirumi wished to stay in her lab for a moment before any of us could even enter. She may have gotten out of her lab afterward, but I have my doubts.

I did end up talking to her, though, in her lab of all places. The lab did look like it belonged to a maid, but something is amiss, I can feel it. And I am pretty sure she knows I know. She looks like she is carefully choosing her words every time she talks to me.

In her lab, our conversation was rather interesting, although I do not doubt for one second that she was lying through her teeth about certain things, mostly her daily life. I have a few theories about what she could be, although my main theory is that she is indeed a criminal, and not the 'robber' type. I would not be surprised if she revealed to have killed people in the past. How many? That I do not know, but she surely did.

I do understand why she stays silent about it, though. Even I, the first day, realized anything can make us crumble. I do not know if we will ever know one day, but knowing Monokuma, he would surely find a way to rat her out.

Although there is one thing that reassures me, is that she does not seem like the serial killer type. If she really took pleasure in killing, she would have done so during the first blood perk motive.

So I am guessing she is a retired mercenary or assassin. I do not know what could have made her stop her career, perhaps I should talk to her once her talent is fully out.

Even back then he knew about her being a mercenary, or at least an assassin.

He was really glad he didn't tell anyone. But was it the reason why Kirumi got Maki's motive video instead of hers? Monokuma did blame it on his cubs, but there is a possibility this was on purpose.

After all, how else would she get her talent out in the day? Just seeing her lying about her talent must have given him the will to expose her himself with the second motive.

He was glad Kiyo acted carefully back then.

Back then...

He preferred not to think about the fourth trial again.

Day 8 report.

So she is indeed the ultimate mercenary, just as I thought.

A strategical woman who does not wish to take unnecessary risks. She looked unhappy to have her talent exposed by Keebo and Ryoma, which is more than understandable. However, they did not specify if she was retired or not, which worries me a little. But since she is a mercenary and not an assassin, I think she does not wish to kill someone unless there is a reward behind it- most likely money.

Although I fail to understand why she didn't kill anyone during the first blood perk if she knew how to kill. Actually, now that I think about it, it might be because she realized the same thing as me- the fact that Monokuma may or may not have been lying about letting us go scot-free. And since Kirumi is intelligent as well, that is the most plausible possibility. A distrustful and independent nature has its perks.

I will try to talk to her about it during the next few days, but I will have to balance her with a few others, such as Kokichi, Rantaro, and Tsumugi.

Kirumi had mentioned retiring if she could, which meant she was indeed still active before the game.

And she did tell him about the reason why she didn't try to kill anyone for the first blood perk. And as Kiyo said, it was because she realized Monokuma may have been lying.

A strategical woman indeed.

But Kiyo also seemed to have realized that Monokuma may have been lying as well, but perhaps he feared the direct consequences of exposing him.

It's not like he could ask him now.

Day 9 report.

Kirumi is indeed an interesting person. Now that her talent is out I got to experience her real self. She is still helping with tasks, this time with Miu by her side, that I am glad didn't isolate herself from the group after the incident.

Miu aside, Kirumi seems to have mixed feelings about her own job. That if she had any other opportunity, she would retire, but that circumstances didn't allow her to do so. I did ask her how it was affecting her- to kill people for a living. However, the moment I even tried to talk about the subject, she glared at me and immediately closed herself off. It isn't anything surprising, really. To bring yourself to describe your killing career must be very hard. But in that case, she just doesn't want to, I think.

She doesn't show any signs of trauma, though I could be wrong. Since she is a strategist, she must know that showing weakness could cost her a lot. For now, I will try to focus on other people, since she seems very reluctant to talk about her feelings.

Although she did talk about preferring to end her targets' lives as painlessly and quickly as possible. That making people suffer and torturing them was not part of her job. On that point, I can respect her. She knows killing is wrong, and I can sense a respect for the dead coming from her. A necessity not to kill those who aren't involved with her job.

At least she is more reasonable than I first thought when I heard about her talent as a mercenary.

To respect the dead... That was exactly what she talked about a few days ago when she reproached them that they didn't respect those who died and their wishes. Kaito had taken it the wrong way, but this was what she really meant.

When they talked later, Shuichi learned that she wouldn't kill if she didn't have to and that she mostly did so to survive, putting her life before her targets'. It was a selfish mindset, but... Could he blame her?

Killing was horrible, and it is an unforgivable crime. He knew that more than anyone.

But as Kiyo said, at least she hated making people suffer.

He was really glad she was on their side.

Day 13 report.

Himiko's death was a shock for everyone. There is no questioning that. But Kirumi's stone-cold facade finally crumbled enough for me to see some specks of humanity in her.

Although she does have experience in killing, her reaction upon seeing Himiko's corpse was almost just as normal as ours. Pure horror. I didn't expect Himiko to be tortured in such a way either. I wanted to vomit.

But to see her shocked about her death proved me right on a point. She does respect the dead a lot. I do not know how exactly she achieved this mentality, but I presume this is because of her job. To watch people suffer weighs a lot on someone's mind, so making things quickly would limit the damage on her psyche.

Deep down she does feel the same horror as us to this madness.

And her last interaction with Angie only intensified this feeling. When she grabbed Kokichi to torment him, Kirumi was the only one who had the nerve to step in and slap her away, denying whatever similarities the two could have, and I suspect this mentality is the 'why'.

Two killers, yet drastically different ideologies, although I do not think I can consider Angie's bloodlust disease as an ideology.

I should try to get through her again if I have the chance.

...

There is nothing else in the notebook about her.

Kiyo had stopped writing about the others to focus on his plan. Each time he remembered that, his heart stung. Tsumugi's death, the trial, everything coming after... That was a horrible memory in his mind.

Upon reading Kiyo's statements, Shuichi had an answer to one of the questions he didn't dare to ask Kirumi.

How could she live with so much blood on her hands?

Being a mercenary must be an extremely hard job, especially if you hate killing. So this... this mentality helped her bear through this.

He did wonder if she sometimes wished for her targets to be happy in the afterlife.

... He preferred not to think about it too much.

Shuichi checked his monopad. It was almost time to leave.

After putting his shoes back on, he left the room.

Kaito and Kokichi were already there waiting.

"Oh, are you two waiting for the rest of us?"

The biker smiled. "Yup! We might as well go together, don't you think?"

He nodded. "Yeah... We still have to wait for the others, though."

Time passed, and Miu, Kirumi, and Rantaro left their rooms soon after. They all had noticeably taken a shower, for obvious reasons.

The group went to the dining hall to prepare what could be their last dinner.

They noticed the blackout was finally over, and they could at last cook in peace.

Miu had asked everyone to help- and they did. Shuichi wished Ryoma was there with them, though.

The dinner was nice, although Shuichi could see a hint of nervousness in the entire group.

The last dinner before the end of the killing game, whether they win or lose the fight.

"Alrighty then! We're gonna sleep and tomorrow is the big day! So sleep tight everyone!" Miu announced.

Rantaro chuckled. "I still have some things to do in my lab so go on without me."

How much of it was a lie?

The street artist narrowed her eyes for a moment. "Just don't stay up late. Got it?"

"I know, I know. Don't worry about me, okay?"

She slightly blushed at the remark. "A-Anyway! C'mon guys!"

Shuichi saw Kirumi shooting one last glance at the medic before following the others.

He couldn't do anything but go back to the dorms.

He laid on his bed, wide awake.

He couldn't sleep knowing Rantaro was up to who-knows-what at this point.

Carefully, the violinist opened the door, making sure no one would witness him, and stepped out of the dorms.

He quickly made his way to the main building.

Checking his monopad, he saw Rantaro's icon right in front of Ryoma's lab on the fifth floor, and Ryoma's icon in the lab.

... Were they talking?

Shuichi felt bad, but he didn't have a choice.

He walked through the corridors, but on the stairs leading to the fifth floor, he heard some noise.

Or rather, tapping, coming from both behind the door and from the hallway.

taap, tap tap tap tap, tap. taap tap tap tap, taap taap taap, taap taap, taap tap tap tap, tap tap tap. tap taap taap, tap, tap taap tap, tap. tap tap taap, tap tap tap, tap, tap taap tap tap, tap, tap tap tap, tap tap tap, tap tap taap taap tap tap.

This was from behind the door. And it oddly sounded like...

... Morse code.

A rhythmic tapping of fingers on the door. Quick, but understandable if you are experienced, he supposed.

tap taap taap tap, tap taap tap, tap, taap, taap, taap tap taap taap. taap taap, tap tap taap, taap tap taap tap, tap tap tap tap. taap tap tap tap, tap tap taap, taap. tap tap. tap tap tap tap, tap taap, tap tap tap taap, tap. tap taap, taap tap. tap tap, taap tap tap, tap, tap taap.

This one was from the hallway.

He hadn't mastered morse code at all, he couldn't understand a single thing.

But what if...

Shuichi quietly went down the stairs. If he grabbed a pen and paper, he could try to note the conversation.

If only he could go to Kiyo's lab where he knew were stored many notebooks.

But perhaps Kaede's lab had enough of them as well.

He ran there, grabbed a pen and a notebook, and sprinted back up.

He took out a piece of paper and focused.

taap tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap tap taap. tap tap tap, tap tap taap, tap taap tap, tap. taap, tap tap tap tap, tap tap, tap tap tap. tap taap taap, tap tap, tap taap tap tap, tap taap tap tap. tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap taap tap, taap tap taap, tap tap taap taap tap tap.

It was a bit hard to follow the rhythm, but he could do it. He had to thank his good hearing for that.

tap taap, taap tap tap tap, tap tap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap tap tap, tap tap taap, taap, tap, tap taap tap tap, taap tap taap taap.

Supposing Rantaro was the one talking here, what is he even saying?

tap tap. taap, tap taap tap, tap tap taap, tap tap tap, taap. taap tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap tap taap. taap tap tap tap, tap tap taap, taap. taap, tap tap tap tap, tap tap, tap tap tap. tap tap, tap tap tap. tap tap, taap tap, tap tap tap, tap taap, taap tap, tap. tap tap. tap tap tap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap taap tap. taap tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap tap taap. taap tap taap, taap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap taap. taap, tap tap tap tap, tap taap, taap.

taap taap taap, tap tap tap tap. tap tap. taap tap taap, taap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap taap. taap tap tap, taap taap taap, taap tap, taap. tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap taap tap, tap taap tap, taap tap taap taap.

A pause.

taap tap tap tap, tap tap taap, taap. tap tap, tap tap taap tap. taap tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap tap taap. taap tap tap, taap taap taap. taap tap tap tap, tap, tap taap tap tap, tap tap, tap, tap tap tap taap, tap. tap taap taap, tap. taap tap taap tap, tap taap, taap tap. tap tap tap, tap taap, tap tap tap taap, tap. tap, tap tap tap taap, tap, tap taap tap, taap tap taap taap, taap taap taap, taap tap, tap...

... taap, tap tap tap tap, tap, taap tap. tap tap. tap taap taap, tap tap, tap taap tap tap, tap taap tap tap. tap tap taap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap tap tap, tap taap tap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap taap. taap tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap tap taap.

...

tap tap tap, tap taap, tap tap tap taap, tap.

...

tap tap taap taap tap tap.

...

tap tap. tap tap tap tap, tap taap, tap tap tap taap, tap. tap tap taap tap, tap taap, tap tap, tap taap tap tap, tap, taap tap tap. taap taap, taap tap taap taap. taap taap, tap tap, tap tap tap, tap tap tap, tap tap, taap taap taap, taap tap. tap taap taap, tap taap, tap tap tap. tap tap tap, tap tap, taap taap, tap taap taap tap, tap taap tap tap, taap tap taap taap. taaptaaptaaptaaptaptaptaptaptaaptaptaptaptaaptaptaptaptaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaaptaaptaaptaaptaaptaaptaptaptaptaaptaaptaptaaptaptaptaptap

Shuichi couldn't even take notes anymore. This was way too fast. He wondered how Ryoma could even understand anything.

taaptaptaaptaptaaptaaptaaptaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaptaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaaptaaptaaptaptaptaptaptaptaaptaaptaaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaaptaptaaptaaptaaptaptaaptaaptaptaaptaaptaptaaptaaptaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaaptaptaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaptaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaaptaptaptaptaaptaptaptaptaaptaaptaaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaaptaaptaaptaaptaptaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaptaptaptaaptaptaaptaaptaaptaptaaptaptaaptaptaptaaptaaptaaptaap-

BLAM!

Shuichi jumped at the brutal slam on the door, echoing through the large, empty corridors.

There was a long silence.

taap tap taap tap, tap taap, tap taap tap tap, taap taap. taap tap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap taap, taap tap. tap tap taap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap tap. tap taap. tap tap tap, tap, taap tap taap tap.

taap tap tap tap, tap taap tap, tap, tap taap, taap, tap tap tap tap, tap.

Shuichi could hear Rantaro's heavy breathing from the stairs.

What the hell happened?

He doesn't know how much time he spent waiting for an answer before the tapping came back from behind the door.

taap tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap tap taap. taap taap tap, taap taap taap, taap taap taap, taap tap tap, tap tap taap taap tap tap.

tap tap, taap taap. tap tap taap tap, tap tap, taap tap, tap.

taap tap taap taap, taap taap taap, tap tap taap. tap tap tap, tap tap taap, tap taap tap, tap. tap taap, tap tap tap. tap tap tap tap, tap, tap taap tap tap, tap taap tap tap. tap taap, tap taap tap, tap. taap tap, taap taap taap, taap.

taap tap, taap taap taap, taap. taap, tap tap tap tap, tap taap, taap. tap tap, taap. taap taap, tap taap, taap, taap, tap, tap taap tap, tap tap tap. tap taap tap, tap tap, taap taap tap, tap tap tap tap, taap. taap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap taap.

...

A long pause.

taap, taap taap taap, taap taap, taap taap taap, tap taap tap, tap taap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap taap. tap tap, taap, tap tap tap. taap taap taap, tap tap tap taap, tap, tap taap tap.

tap tap. taap tap taap, taap tap, taap taap taap, tap taap taap.

tap taap taap taap, tap tap taap, tap tap tap, taap. tap tap tap, taap, tap taap, taap tap taap taap. tap tap tap, tap taap, tap tap taap tap, tap.

tap tap. tap taap taap, tap tap, tap taap tap tap, tap taap tap tap.

...

Shuichi felt bad eavesdropping like this.

Perhaps he should leave. This felt so wrong.

He looked away for a moment and left.

He had heard enough.

And he had no right to interfere. If Ryoma was already taking care of the matter, then he had no choice but to leave it to him.

After closing the door of his room, he looked at the notes he had taken.

They looked like a mess. But hopefully, he would manage to translate it.

He put the paper and the morse code guide on the desk and started writing.

...

After what felt like an eternity, he had the full dialogue -if he didn't count whatever Rantaro was rambling about for a moment.

- You sure this will work? - Absolutely - I trust you but this is insane I hope you know that - Oh I know don't worry - But if you do believe we can save everyone... then I will follow you - Save ... - ? - I have failed my mission was simply ????? ... - Calm down for a sec. Breathe. You good? - I'm fine - You sure as hell are not - Not that it matters right now ... - Tomorrow it's over - I know - Just stay safe - I will

That's all he got.

But at least he got to learn one thing...

... It's that his auditor was indeed Ryoma.

Why, though? They could talk face to face. They have no reason to complicate things for each other. So why the morse code?

He didn't get it at all.

The second thing he learned from this conversation is that Rantaro was not getting any better.

But what could he even do?

Tomorrow was the final day. If they all survive the battle, they would finally be able to rest. And both Ryoma and Rantaro knew that.

Just one more day.

Shuichi laid on his bed, closing his eyes, a lot of things lingering on his mind.

Tomorrow they would fight.

They would end this.

Once and for all.

#ndrv3 #danganronpa v3 #ndrv3 au #beta au #main story

13 notes · View notes

mariesdameron · 4 years

Text

Issues (Sophie & Sackler IIII)

This fiction contains mentions of

- Mental Illness (Anxiety, Depression, CPTSD) - Psychiatric Medication - Past history of trauma (Domestic Abuse) - Alcoholism

The rest of the series is available by clicking HERE.

I stared at the empty Xanax bottle in my hand; of course, I had let the prescription run out. I threw the bottle in the trash. The fist was tightening in my breast causing me to lean against the door-frame. Breathe, Sophie. Breathe. Breathing, never actually helped. Therapists spouted the worst bullshit; meditation, grounding techniques; none of it really worked.

You had to ride out the monster until it was sated. It could last minutes or hours and it was always followed by a crushing low. I could feel the tension building in my arms and legs. I wanted to scream; walking over to the couch, I pulled my knees to my chest. I wanted Adam. No, I needed Adam and he wasn't here.

He was in California and wouldn't be back for at least another week. As much as I hated to admit it, his departure was partly responsible for my mental state. I had grown dependent on him; needy. I relied on him to keep me stable; it was unhealthy. He never complained or made me feel like a burden; which made it even harder to bear.

A sharp blow to the sternum made me bowl over in pain; I was now hysterical. I tried to find my phone. Sam could come over. I frantically eyed the coffee table; no phone. I started to rock back and forth; my breathing restricted. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. I yelled out the voice command for my cell phone and demanded it call 9-11; closing my eyes I let myself fall into the searing agony.

Laying in the hospital bed; staring up at the white ceiling, Sam spoke with the nurse. The door opened and Sam stood next to my bed.

"So, they will let you out in a few hours; they gave you some heavy sedatives." She said as I nodded in response.

My eyesight was blurry; body heavy. Sam gingerly lifted my hand and intertwined it in hers; sad eyes studied my face. I lifted myself up more on the bed trying to clear my head; she went to object but I interrupted her.

"Don't look at me like that. I am fine. It was a fluke." Sam shook her head holding the same stupid glower.

"Sophie. You shouldn't have fired your therapist." I rolled my eyes at her; my thoughts jumbling as I tried to speak.

"It wasn't working out. I didn't have time."

"You make fucking time Sophie." Sam dropped my hand on the bed and crossed her arms.

"We should call Adam." I vehemently shook my head.

"No, we are not calling him." Sam snapped her phone up from her purse.

"Why the fuck not? You weren't going to tell him?" I put my hands to my face. I could not deal with her or this; my body wanted to rest.

"Sam, I am in the hospital for an anxiety attack. Do you think you could chill out for a second!" I said raising my voice as much as my vocal cords could handle; laying back in the bed, I closed my eyes. I heard Sam leave the room; my brain didn't have time to process her frustration, I was dragged under in medicated darkness.

Sam helped me out of the taxi and into the apartment. I immediately went to the kitchen to cut the hospital band off my wrist. Sam paced in front of the couch. I could hear the tapping of her shoes.

"Sam, stop." Walking into the living room, wishing that she would go and leave me in peace. She turned, lips tightly pressed, arms crossed.

" I called Adam." She said matter of factly. Suddenly inflamed, balling my fists, I back away from her, nearing the front door.

"I told you no. You needed to stay out of it. Adam is working on his career. He doesn't need to be worried about me! He won't be able to concentrate on what he needs to be doing. I can't fucking believe you!" Shouting, I whipped open the door.

"Go, please." Lowering my voice to a rumble. She frowned and picked up her purse.

"He needed to know. He should know." Mumbling, she walked past me and into the hall.

"You weren't going to tell him, Sophie." She said sadly.

"And it would have been my business! Not yours!" I slammed the door in her face. Grabbing my phone, I took it off silent. There were three text messages and a missed call from Adam.

The messages were exactly what would be expected frantic: What's going on? Kid, please answer me. I am going to call you, please answer.

I opened the voicemail and begrudgingly pressed play;

"Sophie, FUCK! Don't do this! Call me the fuck back!" He paused. "Please. I love you."

Tears welled up in my eyes.

I hated Sam for this; he was working on a deal for his independent film to be remade and released. He didn't need this shit on his plate. I couldn't keep being a burden to him. He wasn't even going to go to California because he was worried about leaving me.

He knew I had been struggling before he was set to leave and almost skipped out on what could be the biggest opportunity for his career; now he was sitting in California worrying about me. I dug out the newly filled Xanax from my bag. I could have just one, just one to make it through this phone call.

I needed to clean up this mess and fast. The last thing I wanted was Adam to lose this film deal and come rushing back to New York to babysit me. After thirty minutes, I felt the calming effect of the pill and picked up my phone. He answered on the first ring.

"What the fuck kid! Are you okay?" He whispered in the phone. I could hear him hobbling around on the other side.

"Where are you, Adam?" My voice slightly slurred.

"Hold on! Do not hang up!" He scolded. There was more scuffling and noises before I heard his breath back into the phone.

"What's going on?"

I could hear the sounds of the street around him.

"Where are you, Adam?" I repeated. He sighed audibly.

"Jesus, I am at some fucking restaurant with my agent. Answer me."

I laid down on the couch, pulling up the throw over my chest; the meds were making me sluggish.

"I am fine. It was a fluke, really. I am at home."

I could hear him moving around, his breath growing more and more rapid.

"Kid, Sam fucking told me you had a bad fucking attack. You were in the emergency room."

I didn't want this to be a big deal. I didn't want him to worry; this was not helping anyone.

"Yeah, she exaggerates. I am okay, really." Adam growled in the phone. I could imagine him standing in the street, pacing back and forth on his feet, nostrils flaring, hands waving around.

"People don't just go to the fucking emergency room, Sophie!" He was getting pissed. The worry was turning into rage.

"Look, I got a refill on my rescue meds, Sam is going to check on me; I am sure. Please don't let this freak you out. It's fine, really." I lied right through my teeth. I didn't want him to rush home but at the same time, I did. I wanted to crawl up to his broad chest and nestle under his chin as he massaged my back and planted little kisses on my face.

"Baby, please." His voice was weak and cracking. I balled my hand up in the blanket. I was not going to let my fucked up issues ruin his fucking career.

"I promise, I am fine." Another lie; this was going great; his line went quiet. I could almost hear the scuffing of his shoes on the pavement.

"I don't fucking believe you. But, I know you aren't going to tell me shit." He said dejectedly. Tears started slowly rolling down my face. I was hurting him, no matter what I did.

"Adam, please go finish your dinner. Get this deal done and then come home to me. Okay?" I mustered the liveliest voice I could, hoping that it would be persuasive. It wasn't.

"I am going to call you tomorrow. You should sleep; it's late. Please, fucking call me if you need too. I don't care what fucking time it is." He was defeated. I climbed off the couch and towards the bed; his tee-shirt lying next to my pillow. Curling up to it, I nodded as I answered.

"I will. I promise." Third lie. I could hear him hesitating to get off the phone.

"Okay, goodnight. Don't worry about me. Please, just focus on what you are doing." Pleading wouldn't work with Adam but it was a valiant effort.

"Right. Answer my call, tomorrow kid."

I hugged his shirt to my face and hit the light off.

" I will. I love you." Tears trickling on my lips.

" I love you."

I abandoned the phone on the nightstand. Adam couldn't be my lifeline. It wasn't his job to keep me afloat. I knew this would happen; he would try to be my hero. As soon as he learned of my 'official' diagnosis. He would try to hold me up and fight all my demons. I couldn't let him do that.

I looked down at my cell. Adam would be here any time now; his flight arrived home this morning; I had magically been able to get both of my jobs to let me have the day off. He had some things he had to take care of before he stopped by for the night.

I was so ready to see him yet a cloud of unrest hovered over us. I knew he was still pissed about the hospital incident. We hadn't mentioned it for the rest of the week. He barely knew how to text and hated talking on the phone.

I had a slew of take-out menus splayed out in front of me; hoping that he would want to get take out. This hopefully would be followed by cuddling, sex at least twice, sleeping in late, and topped with a big breakfast at our favorite diner.

Adam's warm scent enveloped me as I felt his lips press to my forehead; his amber eyes searched my face; a small pout on his lips. Leaning up into him, I wrapped my arms around his neck; kissing him deeply.

"I guess you're not mad that I am late." He said, pulling himself up to stand. I had been sleeping for a couple of hours apparently since my cell read 8 pm; immediately I was annoyed.

"Why are you late? You said early evening?" Adam ran his tongue over his bottom lip and walked towards the kitchen.

"I got back from the airport, passed out, then I ran into some AA people outside of Ray's Coffee. It wasn't on purpose." He said peering into the fridge, pulling out different containers, and examining them. My indignation intensified. Was he really being this flippant?

"So, you went to Rays first?" I walked up behind him. He remained silent and moved further into the fridge.

"Hello?" I pulled at the hem of his tee-shirt. Adam stepped back with a cheese stick; his nostrils flared and eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, I wanted to tell him about California." His tone clipped as he walked past me and threw himself down into the armchair. He was looking for an argument. I crossed my arms over my chest in preparation.

"Say it already!" I snapped stomping back to the couch; Adam clenched his jaw; his eyes clouded.

"What?" He blurted.

"You know what. You are clearly upset. Just say it. Say that you are upset with me!" I kicked the coffee table. Adam stared at me quietly for a few minutes before he ignited.

"You don't trust me! And, you don't fucking take care of yourself, kid!" His hand flew in front of him erratically.

" I do trust you. And you're right, I don't always take care of myself." I was trying desperately not to match his volume; yelling was a quick trigger that equaled nasty results. Adam's eyes flared and he shook his head.

"No. You don't. If you trusted me, you would have not tried to keep the emergency room visit from me."

Intuitively, I stood and shuffled to him; placing my hands on his arms; I felt him flinch from my touch as if he was going to bolt but he remained in place.

"I was going to tell you. I wanted to tell you when I was home. I didn't want you to worry for nothing." I tried to open his arms to hold him but he moved backward.

"No, Sophie. I don't believe you. I fucking knew you weren't in a great headspace when I left but you fucking pushed me to go! And then you ended up in the emergency room!" He started to scratch his head and run his hands through his hair; he was at peak Sackler agitation.

Closing my eyes; I tried to focus on hardwood floors under my feet, it was a grounding technique to keep you from losing your shit. Arguing with Adam is not what I needed right now. He was justified in his anger but I couldn't take this aggression.

"Adam." I paused. "I can't do this with you. I just can't. I don't want to fight." Tears started to roll down my face as I dug my feet in harder.

Adam stared at me; his eyes somber as they traced me to the floor; and to my clenched feet. Standing, he grabbed me by the elbow and hugged me to his chest. As soon as my face touched him, I was sobbing. He embraced me in his massive arms, caressing my forehead with his lips as I started to hyperventilate.

"It's okay, kid. I am here now." He murmured into my hair; clutching me into him. I wanted to stop crying. I wanted us to have a nice 'welcome home' evening, but now, here I was, anchoring myself to him as I drowned in my own tears. He deserved better than this; truly he did. I was a future fucked up ex that people always nod apologetically when they are brought up in passing conversation. I bit the inside of my cheek at my last-ditch effort to snap myself out of hysteria. I felt Adam tighten his grip.

" No,I am not letting go yet." He said softly. I rubbed my face on his shirt.

"It's okay." My voice shaking but the tears slowing their course. Warily, pulling me back, he searched my face. He shook his head sadly, placing a thumb on my lip and wiping.

"You bit the inside of your mouth." Shame showered over me and I reared back. I hated myself and I hated how easily he recognized my crazy.

"Jesus, Adam!" Storming towards the bathroom, I slammed the door.

My pale skin blotchy; eyes glassy and lined red; I was a wreck. I could hear Adam pacing in the living room; the words "fuck" and "shit" being exhaled in between the motions. Running the cold water over my hands, I turned the focus to the coolness. Splashing some on my face, I took a deep breath and calmly walked into the living room. Adam was awkwardly seated on the edge of the couch. I put up a hand in submission.

"Can we please..." Adam interrupted me.

"I am going to run down the street and grab you a pizza." He jumped up. Confused, I started to shake my head.

"A pizza? What?" Adam kissed me quickly as he passed me to the door.

"I am going to go get you some pizza and when I come back, we are going to fucking chill out and relax."

"Wait." I followed him to the door but his face told me to stop.

"I need to go Sophie. I'll be back with pizza." His voice was strained but steady; stepping out into the hallway, he didn't look back.

One week had passed since Adam had returned back from California; that first night back ended with silent mouthfuls of pizza followed by passing out in a heap on the couch. It could have ended worse. My mental state appeared to stabilize the longer Adam was home; I didn't care to dissect things and neither did Adam.

He was preoccupied with answering phone calls from his agent and other random persons pushing to get his film made. A couple of nights were spent with him sprawled out on the end of my bed, scanning over the original screenplay and making edits. He would rub my feet sometimes as he read or would spontaneously interrupt my writing insisting on my input.

I wasn't put off by the screenplay and the fact that it was entirely centered around a previous toxic relationship; evidently he was adding in a second ex that somehow fit into the puzzle. I didn't let myself get caught up in the details; I wasn't going to make his moment about me and my insecurities.

I was watching an old childhood film while Adam scribbled away; one on either side of the couch. The generic chime of a cell echoed throughout the apartment. Adam slammed down his pen and scrambled to his jeans on the floor. Swearing under his breath, he flipped his phone open. It was Beth; his agent. He jumped up and walked into the kitchen. A few minutes passed before he casually flopped back on the couch; turning and grabbing my legs, he started to pull me towards him.

"What?" I said playfully hitting him; his eyes danced with amusement.

"They are making my film." He said as he started kissing my face. I bounced up and down in response.

"That's amazing Adam!" I cupped his face and kissed him deeply.

"I am so, so, so proud of you!" He smiled warmly at me, working fingers through my hair.

"They want to start production as soon as possible; go over the edits that I've done, discuss casting". He trailed off; his smile disappearing.

"What? What's wrong?" I caressed his face. Adam started fidgeting; grabbing my arms and enclosing my hands his eyes were troubled and wide.

" I have to go to California." He said carefully. I nodded and gave a soft laugh.

"Well, I am sure you will for meetings." Adam shook his head, letting go of my hands; he rubbed at his face.

"No, kid. I am going to have to be there for a couple of months." I felt the grip in my chest.

"A few months eh?" I said untangling myself from him. I needed to put distance between us; walking to the kitchen, I started making tea. Adam sat quietly on the edge of the couch, sighing and rubbing his knees.

"I can't not go, Sophie." He had moved to the kitchen and was leaning against the refrigerator. I exhaled loudly and waved my hand in the air as I pulled the tea from the microwave.

"Obviously, the thought of you not going wouldn't even cross my mind." I could hear the frustration in my voice and I regretted it. This was the biggest, most incredible opportunity, and here I was being a selfish bitch. I forced a smile.

"Your pale ass is going to burn, I will make sure to pack you plenty of sunscreen." Adam stopped me from leaving the kitchen.

"I know it's going to fucking suck; we will be fine." He stated as his eyes searched my face.

I shook my head in agreement; gently pushing past him, I walked to the bed. The cup in my hand burned against my skin but it was distracting me from the sadness that was starting to set in my chest. Adam slowly followed behind me. He was going to break me tonight; he needed to back off from the topic of leaving. He sat at the edge of the bed, staring at the floor in silence. Placing the tea next to me, I pulled up my knees.

"Adam, this is a great thing. Stop."

I hated that we weren't having celebratory sex and happy over this news. He shouldn't be worried about me or anything but how soon he needed to fly out. Adam looked at me, shuttered eyes and a frown.

"I can't go that long without you." He scooted closer to me.

"I know we will be fine, I just want you with me." He said rubbing the top of my foot, I suppressed the urge to cry.

"Well, I guess you're going to have to get better at texting." My voice whispered. He gnawed his bottom lip and shook his head.

"Stop, stop trying to be fine with this. I know your fucking upset Sophie." Adam aggressively stood up and paced in front of the bed.

"You can't be alone for that long. You just fucking can't."

Anger flared deep in my stomach; I wasn't a child that he needed to babysit.

"What are you talking about? I am an adult Adam. I can take care of myself." I snapped. Adam kicked at the floor.

"You can't even remember to refill your prescriptions." Mumbling, he rubbed furiously at his head. I jumped up in anger.

"I couldn't afford my prescriptions, Adam! I don't have insurance! How dare you bring that into this!"

"Jesus, fuck kid! You have been falling apart for weeks! I am fucking worried about you." I stormed into the living room and started cleaning things off the coffee table; tears stinging my eyes.

"Talk to me!" Adam grabbed the empty container from my hands and threw it on the couch.

"Don't!" I yelled and moved to pick it up. Adam grabbed the back of my shirt and tugged me back.

"Talk to me. How can we do this?"

I turned to him; Adam was back to troubled and I wasn't having it.

"I don't know. I guess I need to get myself a babysitter while you're away. You know to make sure I eat and don't hurt myself!" I pulled away from him and curled up at the end of the couch; his nostrils flared.

"Don't fucking do that. Don't! You know that you have issues!" He paused. "Come with me."

I looked up at him in disbelief.

"You want me to come with you? And how do you think I will be able to afford that? I work two jobs, Adam! Do you think this apartment is just going to sit here while I am gone?" He groaned and kneeled to the floor.

"Let me pay for it. I'll pay for it. I'll pay for everything. Just come with me." I could hear the pleading in his tone and I knew he was being genuine, loving; but I couldn't let him make me feel like a dependent; a patient.

"No. I am not a child. You are not going to just 'take care of me'. You, going to California to have this great success, dragging along your poor, mentally ill girlfriend who can barely clothe herself; no." Tears streamed down my face. Adam jumped up and yelled nonsense; walking to the dresser, he grabbed a picture frame of us and threw it towards the living room.

The sounds of broken glass brought me back to the small girl hiding on the floor of the bathroom as I heard my mother's boyfriend hurl her against the wall, pictures crashing to the floor, as she collapsed in a heap.

Adam's hands were on my shoulders. I could hear him saying my name. I looked at him, my eyesight sharpening and adjusting to the room. His face was terrified and eyes red-rimmed and glassy. I inhaled sharply and cleared my throat.

"You have to go." I said quietly, peeling his fingers from my shoulders. He frantically shook his head.

"I am sorry kid. I got carried away."

My breathing quickened and I felt the rage erupt.

"Get out!" I pushed at his chest and moved to get off the bed. Adam tried to grab me but missed. He groaned and jumped up.

"I am not leaving you like this! I am not leaving us like this!" I shrugged my shoulders and continued to back away from him. My head was dizzy from the flashback and I was struggling to process my emotions.

"You think I am a basket-case. Is that why you are staying with me? Because somehow you feel responsible for me?" The idea made me want to throw up. I needed quiet and space.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You know that's not true. I am fucking crazy about you! You know that or at least you should!" Adam suddenly sat back on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands.

"I am exhausted, Sophie. I am trying to be everything to you and still do my own shit. You could at least try to make it a little easier for me."

My head roared and I was submerged in a rush of sadness. This wasn't going to last. I was going to lose him and maybe that was for the best. He deserved better than I was able to give him.

"I am sorry I am such a burden." I cried softly; turning, I slowly walked towards the couch and spoke over my shoulder.

"I need you to go tonight." Adam looked up at me, tears in his eyes.

"Sure. Okay." He stood and started to get dressed as I stared at the floor. I felt him above me, carefully he kissed the top of my head.

"I love you." He said gently. I cried as he left.

Adam hesitated before sitting down on the barstool. He was drawn in by the smell of alcohol and cigarettes; his head was messy. The bartender looked over and gestured for his order. Adam chewed on the inside of his lip.

"Top shelf scotch, on the rocks."

Thank you for reading! I hope despite this sad turn of events that you are enjoying the series!

Comment, Like & Follow!

#angst #adam sackler #Sophie and Sackler #Marie Sackler #Girls HBO #Fanfiction #Adam Driver Fanfiction #Fanfic #Love #Real Life

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dearinheadlights-archived · 3 years

Text

8 July 2021

haven’t seen the date at the top of the screen in a while. wow. i’ve just posted sporadically throughout the days lately, as i feel the need to empty myself of my own emotions.

therapy was good today. my therapist taught me a good calming technique for when i start to spiral. through talking it all out, i realized that a lot of the pain with the [001] situation come from not only how he betrayed me with all the lying and cheating and manipulation, but also how i feel like i’m betraying myself: he did all those awful things to me, but i still love him. i feel guilty for feeling the way i do. it’s very contradictory to know that he caused me pain and not to want to be around him right now, but also to still feel affectionate and caring towards him, and to possibly want to be with him someday, IF he gets better. i know i can’t hold onto that potential though. i can only look at who he really is. but a big part of therapy and calming was accepting these feelings rather than feeling guilty or trying to push them away. saying to myself: “i feel betrayed by [001] and by myself, but i fully accept myself.” it was helpful.

UNIQLO is dropping some super cool anime merch soon? they have some jujutsu kaisen stuff out already, and they’ll be dropping some pokémon stuff next week, and demon slayer stuff next month. i’m really excited about it. i don’t really have a job to pay for it myself, but i’m hoping i can get something. they‘re releasing a really cute psyduck shirt; psyduck is one of my favorite pokemon. and the demon slayer shirt with all the hashira is sooo cool. i definitely want to get that one, if i can. i marked their drop dates in my calendar so that i can remember them. i like wearing anime merch; self-expression and all that. i have a hard time with self-identity, so wearing things that express my interests and make me feel more like an individual always makes me feel good.

one of my essential oils should arrive tomorrow. i’m excited about that too. i want to create a better atmosphere in my room, since i spend all my time in here. make it a cozy retreat instead of the mental illness prison that it feels like sometimes. plus my birthday is soon, so i’ll have some other things to help comfort me, even though the day itself will probably be pretty lonely. but i’m sure i’ll find something to do. and i’m excited about the things i’ll get.

anyways, i think that’s about it for today.

#diary #journal #daily diary

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ranger-jedi-knight · 4 years

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A New Hero Ch 22

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20887313/chapters/63998701

Taglist: @bluesimani

Ok, so here’s the next chap for the fic!! This is going surprisingly quickly considering I have classes. Any delays that happen now r due to my sisters cat comin over and cuddling me preventin me from workin lol. Lol. Anyways, here’s the next chap, I do hope you enjoy this next chap!

“Ok, so you really do know more about this….I thought Xan was bluffing about at least Mari knowing,” Lana said looking at the two in front of her in shock. Damian had put on the mask he wore as Robin and showed her the weapons he carried on his personal 24/7. Mari just transformed into Ladybug and then transformed. “But how come you revealed your identities to me?” she asked figuring Xan only knew from an accident or they told him when he doubted they could help him from what happened(it was easy to guess Damian before he told him YES he was Robin, and Ladybug ya, probably an accident but purposeful).

The two shared a look before looking at her once more. “Well, we can see that your not going to stop training to do what Damian and I do. So we might as well help you. Both in and out of the uniform. I’ll help you two get the right items for your suits,” Mari said smiling gently at Lana which she returned. Damian clapped Xan on the shoulder and nodded.

“Not to mention, what you’re planning is quite noble. It would help us so that we can focus on gangs and the big boys when they escape,” Damian added and the two nodded again.

“Thank you for agreeing. I just couldn’t stand watching someone getting hurt and not being able to do anything. I won’t let anyone else go throu what I did,” Lana said giving a slight nod as the three shared scowls at the thought. Even though it all happened when they were young, they still hated not being able to help. Granted tho, Damian also knew he would have probably killed the man given a chance, so it was smart to not let him out.

“With our help, you’ll be able to do just that. And you’ll be able to call on one of us should you need help,” Damian added and once more, Lana sent him a thankful smile.

“Now, Xan why don’t you give me an idea of what you’re wanting to use when you go out and I’ll be able to get an idea of what fabric will work best,” Mari said and Xan nodded as they went to the table in Lana’s apartment. Cocoa rubbed herself against their legs before going to play with them or nuzzling their feet. Damian and Lana cleared an area out(granted that didn't mean much since she didn’t own lots of things) and got into fighting stances.

~~~~~~~~~~~~(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mari beamed at the two as Damian took her back to the hotel. They spent a good two hours with Lana and Xan, each sparring against Damian at first while the other talked to Mari. In Mari’s sketchbook, she had a good idea about what they were thinking of and was planning on looking into many different fabrics that would work.

But that would be later.

Right now, she had to get back to Lila and help her plan what to wear for her date tomorrow.

She was beyond lucky that Gotham Academy was letting them do school work online for a week to get used to it before the semester started up again in September, a good couple of months away.

She smiled softly over at Damian as she took his hand into hers and gave it a squeeze as she leaned her head against his shoulder. “That was pretty sweet of you to help Lana, and Xan but he’s more prepared than her,” she said as they walked down the sidewalk and Damian gave a one-shoulder shrug.

“It was just the smart thing to do. Xan explained what was going on and I simply agreed to make sure they don’t get hurt. It’s obvious she would have gone out with or without our help. So, to make it easier, might as well help,” he replied looking forward even as he felt Mari squeeze his hand again.

“Still,” she hummed out. They walked in silence for some time. When her hotel came into view, she bit her lip. “Are you going to tell B?” That had Damian looking down at her before he looked straight ahead in thought.

“No,” he spoke after a minute, “It’s not my place to tell him. He won’t enjoy having two more vigilantes running around, but as long as they leave the big bads to us, he’ll leave them be. Only they can tell B. I won’t break their trusts,” he replied with a decisive nod.

“Good. They’ll appreciate that,” she said squeezing his hand as they paused outside the hotel.

“What about Lila?”

“I’ll tell her about myself when Hawkmoth is defeated-” she started with a sigh but was interrupted by her phone beeping. She pulled it out and scowled at seeing the headline. “Akuma,” she muttered and Damian nodded, glad to have brought his gear.

“First our date, and now the conversation. He has great timing,” Damian deadpanned. Mari giggled at that but soon grabbed his hand and ran into the hotel and up the stairs. Adrien appeared with Nino and she nodded.

“Figured you could use my help,” Nino said.

“That we will. Get to Fu’s shop to get his miraculous and meet us at the Seine,” Mari said as Mari and Adrien transformed. Mari then took out Kalki and merged while Damian quickly threw his gear on, managing to get the last piece on right as Mari opened the portal to Paris that landed halfway between Fu’s place and the Akuma in an alley.

~~~~~~~~~~~~(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧~~~~~~~~~~~~

The four groaned out as they leaned against the walls of the stairwell. The battle was quick but painful. Mari and Adrien’s transformation fell and they shared a weak ‘pound it’. Nino was a better off, smiling at the two as he rubbed his wrist. The Turtle miraculous was back with Fu, she was glad that Nino was able to do that quickly in the two minutes they had left before de-transforming.

“Ok, now I really need to get back to Lila. She’s probably freaking out about her date tomorrow,” Mari said and the group nodded.

“I’ll join you, Angel,” Damian said when he finished getting out of the Robin suit. Mari smiled at him as they held hands and followed behind Adrien and Nino as they talked about what happened in the morning before the Akuma attack. Reaching their rooms, the duo’s separated, Adrien going to his and Nino’s room, and Mari and Damian heading to her room. Opening the door revealed Lila pacing and muttering to herself. On her bed were a few outfit options, and the closet looked messy, quite different than the orderly fashion she usually had it in.

“Whoa, Lila, are you ok?” Mari asked, startling the girl from her thoughts.

“Mari! No, I’m not! I’m panicking!” Lila said flinging herself over to Mari. Mari caught her easily and hugged her before pulling back to hold her hands.

“Don’t worry. Everything will go well. He really cares about you, Lila. Even Damian, who is quite frankly, bad at emotions some days, can see it,” she said, ignoring the offended look Damian was sending her. But it had the desired results.

Lila giggled.

Mari smiled at her friend as she then pulled her to the bed with Damian trailing behind them. “Ok, Damian, do you have any idea about what Xan would do for their date?” Mari asked and Damian hummed as he thought about the different things Xan appreciates.

“What time are you two going out?” he asked and Lila hummed.

“We didn’t set an exact time, but it’s going to be past evening,” she replied and Damian nodded.

“Ok, I can think of a couple things you would do. He’s probably going to take you to his favorite park here. Either before or after he’ll probably take you to a place you both enjoy, like a cafe, or a nice sit-down place,” Damian replied after a bit and Mari started nodding along.

“Ok, so you’ll probably want to dress warm. It can get pretty cold at night,” Mari said looking through the options and immediately putting back anything that was short and pulling out some longer items. “Did you want to wear a dress or are you fine with pants?” she asked, turning to her friend who bit her lip.

“I’m fine with whatever,” Lila replied and Mari nodded. After a bit, she put together three outfits. The first consisted of thick black leggings, a deep gray-blue sweater that went past her mid-thigh with tied bows at the wrists, and red combat boots and newspaper cap. The second one was a black tank top with a white oversized jacket, black shorts with thigh high tie up boots, The final one was a maxi-dress that practically covered her feet when she wore heels, it was a nice light purple with lavender and wild flowers going up from the bottom hem. Around the waist line was a thin black belt paired with 2 inch black sandal wedges.

“Ok, here are three options that would work. For the dress just wear some leggings underneath for more warmth,” Mari said and Lila beamed as she looked at the different options.

“Thank you Mari! And thank you Damian,” Lila said pulling her friend into a tight hug and just sending Damian a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mari: got the samples. ill bring them over tom

Lana: thank you Mari! your the best!!

Xan: cool. see ya in the morning

Mari: see ya then!

Mari smiled as she walked back from the fabric store with the samples in hand. Tikki and Kalki pressed against her thigh throu her purse. She smiled softly as she patted the purse and stopped by a bakery to get some cookies and tea. At the counter she wrapped the cookies up with a few sugar cubes and put them into her purse so that they could snack on them as she walked back to WE to help Tim out a bit for a few hours.

Tired @prouodgothamite

Here we go! I’m starting a How-To channel explaining how to do things in Figure/Ice Skating and Parkour. My therapist suggested it. I hope you guys enjoy it #iceskating #parkour #howto #explaining #videos *youtube link showing the thumbnail of Lana in ice skating gear on the ice with ‘How To Do A Toe Loop’ next to her*

Ok, so here’s the next chap! Sorry it’s a bit short. When I was writing it, two of my sisters' cats, Bonito and Snowflake(but she’s named Sunflower but I like my name for her), kept jumping onto me to cuddle which is adorable. But bad for me since I am allergic to them. So that had me out all day yesterday since I could barely think. I kept having to blow my nose, my eyes were irritated 90% of the time even thou I had taken both my allergy meds n antihistamine(spelling what?) eye drops. And then I got a headache. So ya, all that just threw what I had planned out the window and I couldn’t catch it. So ya. But anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chap. I’m wanting to write some more joker n mari buddy fics so please leave a PROMPT(joker will be ooc, cause thats the only way im doin buddies joker n mari(excludin that new fic i put where mari snapped)). Until next time!! -Love Willa<3<3<3

#fanfic #fanfic update #update #my writing #daminette #maribat #ml x dc #A New Hero #ANH #chap 22 #lana grayson #xander grayson #alya grayson

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vgckwb · 3 years

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P5R: Rebel Girl (A FeMC Story/P5R Rework) Chapter 26: The Past Catches Up

On Wednesday, midterms began at Shujin. The Phantom Thieves were intently answering questions, hoping to pass. The first two days passed without incident. However, Friday was full of surprises.

Ren was waiting for the train when Ann approached her. “Hey” she said.

Ren looked at her. “You don’t look so good. Are you feeling alright?” Ren put her hand up to Ann’s head. “You don’t seem to have a fever.”

“Thanks, but… I don’t know” Ann said. “I’m more worried about these tests than I have been. I’ve never done that well at them, but now they seem more important than ever.”

“Oh” Ren said. “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

“Let’s hope so,” Ann said. She glanced around. “I don’t know if it’s the fatigue, but I think someone’s been following me.”

Ren looked around as well. She didn’t see anyone too suspicious, but she couldn’t rule anything out. “Well, we could stick together, if that makes you feel better.”

Ann smiled. “I’d like that.” The two of them got on the subway and headed to class.

After midterms were done for the day, an announcement played over the speakers. “Attention. This is Principal Kobayakawa. All students please report to the auditorium for a special announcement.”

“Settle down” Kawakami told everyone. “This is important, so please go carefully, and don’t cause a scene.” The students did as they were told and went into the auditorium.

Principal Kobayakawa stood at the podium. “Ahem. While recent events may have been troubling, this has been in the works for a little while now. As you know, Shujin Academy has prided itself on its care for students. However, there has been something we’ve been lacking. Well we are going to rectify that. Starting today we have hired an independent student therapist. Please put your hands together for Doctor Takuto Maruki.”

The students clapped as Doctor Maruki took the stage. “Thank you everyone,” he said, adjusting the mic. Unfortunately, it slipped a little and hit him on the head. “Ow! Sorry about that. Ahem, anyway. As Principal Kobayakawa mentioned, this has been in the works for a while now. Also, I am independent, so I don’t really answer to him. I am 100% committed to helping you all with whatever problems you have. You can come to me for anything. Whether you have a serious problem, or you just need a bit of a break, I don’t care. I just want to help you as much as I can. Please welcome me to your school.”

The students began clapping. Ren overheard some of the girls around her gossip about how hot he is. Ren found it a little strange since not too long ago Kamoshida was arrested partially for wanting to have relations with his students. But Ren figured it was fine, since it was students admiring the teacher and not the other way around.

Ren looked at Maruki. From the way he spoke to the way he carried himself, he didn’t seem like a bad person. And he was independent, so he’d be willing to listen to things the school might not like or have any interest in. However, Ren got an alert on her phone. She checked it to see it was on the Phantom Thief group chat.

Sumire: Help!

Ren quickly messaged back.

Ren: Let’s meet up once this is over, OK?

Sumire: OK.

Principal Kobayakawa thanked Doctor Maruki and then let the students out. As they were leaving Kawakami stopped Ann, Ren, and Mishima. “Hold on. …” She sighed. “While visiting the therapist is generally optional, I was asked that you three visit him at least once.”

“Why?” Ann asked.

“Well…” Kawakami pointed to Ann and Mishima. “You two for your closeness with Kamoshida,” she pointed at Ren, “And you because of, well, your general circumstances.”

“I see,” Ren said. “Thank you.” They walked off.

“Well, I’m probably going to go after midterms finish up tomorrow,” Mishima said. “Right now, I’ve got to focus!”

“On midterms?” Ren asked.

“Well, kind of,” Mishima said. “But also on the Phan-site!” MIshima started walking off. He turned back and waved. “Seeya!”

Ren and Ann saw him off. They turned to each other and nodded. They started heading over to the roof. However, on their way they met up with Ryuji and Sumire by the vending machines. “Do we just want to do it here?”

“Sure, I guess” Ryuji said.

“Just make sure to keep your voice down” Ann said. “If anything comes up about our... extracurriculars, it’ll be on you.”

“Alright, alright,” Ryuji said.

Ren looked at Sumire. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

Sumire was shaking a little, but she had to be brave. “That man… Dr. Maruki… he’s… he’s the therapist I went to… after Kasumi…”

The three second years were shocked. “So, Dr. Maruki is the person who suggested you act more like your sister.” Sumire nodded.

“Hm” Ren said. “I was getting a good vibe off of him too.”

“Not me,” Ryuji said. “What’s more, my homeroom teacher pulled me aside and said I practically had to visit him.”

“Ours too” Ren said.

“Mine did as well…” Sumire admitted. “But…”

Ren smiled. She walked over and hugged Sumire. “Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.” Sumire blushed.

“Tch, I don’t care” Ryuji said, pulling out his phone. “I think we just found our next target.”

“Woah! What are you saying?” Ann said.

“This guy coerced Sumire into thinking she was her sister” Ryuji pointed out. “No way this dude’s not hiding some sinister shit.”

Morgana popped out. “But what about Madarame?”

“We don’t know the first thing about this Madarame” Ryuji retorted. “We at least have a full name here.”

“Well, it wouldn’t hurt to check,” Ann said.

Ryuji loaded the app. “Takuto Maruki”

The phone dinged. “Location does not exist anymore.”

“WHAT?!” Ryuji shouted in disbelief.

“Oh my” Maruki said, approaching from the woodwork. “I didn’t quite expect that.”

Ren, Ann, and Ryuji got defensive, while Sumire hid behind Ren. “What do you want?” Ren asked, full of vitriol.

Maruki smiled. “Why don’t we continue this somewhere private?” He leaned in. “Unless you want everyone to figure out you’re the Phantom Thieves.” He leaned back. “Now then, how about my office?” He turned around. Everyone there was sort of confused and on edge, but decided to follow him since he knew their secret.

They ended up in a nurse’s office. “Here we are, my office is Shujin.” He turned to the thieves. “Now, I’m assuming you have questions.” The students exchanged glances. “I understand your hesitation, and usually I don’t wish to rush things, but I think it’s be better for everyone if we were all on the same page.”

Ren looked among her cohorts and nodded. “What makes you think we’re the Phantom Thieves?”

“I guess that’s a fair place to start,” Maruki explained. “After one of the meetings setting up my arrangement with the school, I was leaving the school when I noticed the three of you appearing in an alley. Well, I guess I should say four of you.” He looked at Ren’s bag. “It's OK, you can come out.”

Morgana popped out of the bag. “What’s going on?” he asked. “Can-Can he hear me?”

“I most certainly can,” Maruki said, surprising everyone. “I’ve been aware of the existence of this other universe for quite some time now. However, recently, I gained access to it. Though it was only locked to a certain location And even more recently, it was destroyed.”

The thieves were confused by this. Maruki continued. “It happened soon after your father chewed me out for doing what I did to you Yoshizawa-san. A mysterious woman came to me and destroyed that place. I was wondering if you could tell me about that.”

The thieves looked at him. “What makes you think we’d help you?!” Ryuji asked. “I mean, you pretty much brainwashed Sumire! Why should we believe you on ANYTHING?!”

Maruki smiled. “Well, for a more concrete answer, my access to the metaverse has been cut off. I have no advantage over you there. The ball is in your court. However, even though you might not believe it, I have no ill will towards any of you, even before this”

Maruki looked at Sumire. “I have to apologize to you Yoshizawa. I really wished to help you through your sister’s death. However, it appears I was short-sighted. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I wish to convey to you that my feelings are sincere.”

Ren looked at Sumire. Sumire looked up at Ren. “Um, what do you think?” Sumire asked.

“Well, I think it’s up to you,” Ren said. “Our inclination against Dr. Maruki is because of what happened with you. I can believe all I want that he’s a good person, or that we should accept his help, but it really comes down to how you feel about him.”

Everyone was now looking at Sumire who was lost in thought. “Well… It’s complicated. While there probably could have been a better way to help me, I think it helped me somewhat.” Everyone was kind of shocked. “I mean, if I hadn’t become Kasumi for the period of time I had, I would have never found you senpai.” Ren blushed slightly.

“Meeting you is what shook me out of that,” Sumire continued. “For the first time in a while, I felt like someone was there for me that wasn’t a member of my family, or coach Hiraguchi. So I wanted you to see me for me. If I hadn’t visited Dr. Maruki, I don’t think I would have had the energy to come to school, let alone talk to you. So, I don’t necessarily hate Dr. Maruki, even though I disagree with him somewhat.”

Everyone was stunned. “Wow Yoshizawa,” Maruki said. “That’s surprisingly mature.”

“Holy shit” Ryuji said.

Ann turned to Ren. “What do you think?”

Ren thought about it. “Well, if Sumire is...OK?” she looked at Sumire. Sumire nodded. “...with Dr. Maruki, then I think we can be too.”

Ryuji sighed. “Well, if you say so. Though I’m not sure if I can trust him fully.”

“I get that,” Maruki said. “It can be hard to open up to people, especially if they’ve done something wrong. But again, I wish nothing but the best for all of you.”

They all looked at Maruki. Ren sighed. “The woman that approached you is most likely Eris. She is our direct enemy in this, and is a paragon of chaos. She believes that by causing humanity chaos something good will happen. She’s going around corrupting people to meet her goals, and we are there to stop them.”

“I see,” Maruki said, taking notes. “But I don’t remember her when I first arrived at my section of metaverse. And she destroyed it.”

“Well, that’s because that’s different,” Ann explained. “Palaces like your or Kamoshida’s don’t come from Eris. They come from a distorted desire, right Morgana?”

Morgana nodded. “Yeah. That’s another thing. A being called Yaldabaoth was originally planning on fighting us, but Eris swooped in, destroyed him, and took over his plan, while making adjustments.”

“So, you having a palace in the first place is a little hard to look past,” Ryuji explained.

“I see,” Maruki said, embarrassed. “Although, if you don’t mind, I’d like to analyze what, Takamaki-san said. A palace comes from a distorted desire. While Kamoshida was certainly distorted in such a way that made him evil, not every distorted desire can come from a place of vitriol. Am I correct in assuming that?”

The group was shocked. “Well?” Ren said, looking at Morgana.

“...He’s right,” Morgana answered. “A desire doesn’t have to be evil to be distorted.”

Ann looked at Maruki. “Well if this is what you’re claiming, then what was your desire? What not evil thing did you wish to accomplish?”

“I suppose that’s a fair question,” Maruki said. “What I intended to do was end all suffering.” The thieves were surprised, and surprised that they can still be surprised. “I felt like I was closer than ever. But then…”

“Which reminds me,” Morgana said. “You told us something that I’d like to know about.”

“You noticed it too, huh” Ren.

“Um, noticed what?” Ryuji asked.

Morgana smiled. “Well, you’re the leader. By all means.”

Ren looked at Dr. Maruki. “Earlier you said you’ve know about the metaverse even before you stepped foot in your palace. Why is that?”

“Ah” Maruki said. “What an astute observation. Yes, I have known about the metaverse for a while. In fact, I was studying it with some of my peers in the psychological field. The term used to describe this was ‘Cognitive Psience.’

We felt that since a person’s emotions helped shape their worldview, by tapping into that power, we could change the world for the better. However, there were some complications. One of my associates mysteriously died. Soon after, the whole project was shut down.”

“I see…” said Ann.

“But I didn’t want to give up,” Maruki said. “I was determined to help people. It’s why I became a psychiatrist in the first place. I felt so close, and I knew I could get closer. That’s when my palace, as you say, appeared to me.

I was confused, but I explored it. It was a laboratory, which made sense, since they were planning on building a lab, but with the project shutting down, it didn’t come to pass. Everything there was how I had imagined it. I guess that’s the power of the metaverse. But it appears that wasn’t meant to be either.”

“Huh?” Ryuji said.

“So,” Sumire spoke up, “you wish to help us?”

“Ah yes,” Maruki said. “While I can’t aid you with help from the metaverse, I can help you understand it better, and even help you use it to your advantage. I still have some of my notes. What do you say?”

The thieves looked at each other. “What should we do?” Ryuji asked.

“Well, he certainly knows his stuff,” Morgana said. “It would be nice to have someone like that on our side.”

“Plus he seems nice enough, despite everything” Ann said. “I don’t think he’d betray us.”

“Like I’ve stated, I’m fine with it as long as Sumire is,” Ren explained.

Sumire looked determined. “I think we should trust him for now.”

“Alright then” Ryuji said. They turned back to Maruki.

“We’ll agree to this,” Ren said. “But one false move…”

“Loud and clear,” Maruki said. The thieves all prepared to leave. “Oh, by the way, I’m assuming your teachers asked you to meet with me.” The thieves were again surprised. “Sorry. They told me they would do that. But as I mentioned, I am independent from the school. So, I’ll waive that. Outside of Phantom Thief business, you do not need to see me. However, I would appreciate it if you needed help.”

Ren nodded. “Very well. I’ll think about it.” They left.

“Um, you aren’t seriously thinking of going to him for help, are you?” Ryuji asked.

“I mean, maybe” Ren said. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the help you guys are giving me, but…”

Ann smiled. “It’s OK. I get it. It can be helpful to hear what other people think.”

“Yeah,” Sumire said. “And as I said, I think Maruki is helpful.”

“But what if he tries something?” Ryuji asked.”

“Well, I doubt he would,” Morgana said. “He told us his palace got destroyed.”

“Besides, I think I’m strong enough to resist it if he were,” Ren said. “I mean, I’m trying to resist Eris. I think I can handle someone she defeated.”

“An excellent point,” Morgana said.

“Well, I guess it might be worth a try,” Ryuji said.

“Yeah” said Ann. “It might be good to clear my head about a few things. You know, once midterms are over.”

“Aw crap!” Ryuji exclaimed. “I’d forgotten about midterms.”

“Well, tomorrow’s the last day,” Ren pointed out. “Does anyone want to see Maruki right away?” They all shook their heads. “OK then, so we’re going with our original plan. Once midterms are over, let’s meet up and look for info on Madarame.” They all nodded and headed home for the day.

The last day of midterms was upon them. They all tried their hardest to reach the goal of finishing. Once they did, they all met up at the subway station. “Man, I’m glad that’s over,” Ryuji said.

Morgana popped up. “Did you fail?”

“What?! No” Ryuji answered.”I think.”

“So, what now?” Sumire asked.

“Well, we gotta meet up with Jose,” Ren said. “Once we do, we can begin our investigation.”

“Yeah,” Ann said. She turned to see a poster. “Wait, hold up.”

They all looked at her. “What’s up?” Ryuji asked.

“This poster is for an art exhibition,” Ann explained.

“...OK?” Ryuji responded.

“...For Ichiryusai Madarame” Ann finished.

“WHAT?!” Ryuji said.

“Could they be one in the same?” Sumire asked.

“Probably” Ann said. “‘Madarame’ isn’t all too common of a last name.”

“Well then, let’s head out” Ren said. They all got onto the subway leading to Kosei. Once they reached the station, they headed out.

Ann began looking around. She spotted something. She grabbed Ren’s arm. “I think that’s him again.”

“Who?” Ryuji asked.

Ren looked where Ann was looking to see if she could see anything. “Someone was following Ann yesterday.”

“For real?!” Ryuji. “Grrrrrrrrr.”

“Well, if we’re all together, they might not try anything, right?” Sumire asked.

“And if they did, I’ll take care of them,” Morgana said.

“Same,” Ryuji said, cracking his knuckles. The group walked off.

Ann kept glancing back. “He’s still there.” The group kept moving. “He keeps following us.” They kept moving. “What is going on?”

“I’d like an answer to that myself,” Ren said.

“Sounds like you have a plan, senpai” Sumire said.

Ren nodded. “Follow my lead.”

A little bit later, Ann was standing in the middle of the sidewalk. The person following her approached her. Just as they were about to get close, Ann turned around, and Ren, Ryuji, and Sumire surrounded them. They found themselves face to face with a boy with blue hair and a body like a beanpole.

“Why have you been following me?!” Ann shouted at him. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“Yeah man, what gives?” Ryuji added.

The boy was in shock. “Ah! Forgive me” he said, after a few seconds of silence. “I was just captured by your beauty.”

“WHAT?!” Ann screamed, blushing.

Morgana got worried. “Is she falling for that?!”

“See, I am an artist,” the boy explained. “My name is Yusuke Kitagawa. I am a second year at Kosei high. As I was on my way to school one day, I happened to spot you, and your beauty instantly captured my imagination. I must paint you!”

“Oh, um…” Ann said.

“Hold on,” Ren said. “You’re not trying anything, are you?”

“How dare you insult me,” Yusuke said. “I am a pure and noble artist. I only wish to paint her.”

“I’m only asking because we had to deal with a huge creep recently,” Ren explained.

Yusuke was curious. He then looked them over. “Wait a minute. Those uniforms. Do you by chance go to Shujin?” They nodded. “I see.” He bowed. “My apologies. I did not mean any harm. I just have a tendency of getting carried away. I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me.”

“It’s OK…” Ann said, twirling her hair.

“Tch. What’s with this sudden change?” Ryuji asked.

“You moron!” Morgana chided. “She’s getting charmed!”

“What?!” Ryuji exclaimed. “No way!”

“Hm?” Yusuke said. He noticed Morgana. “Are you...talking to her cat?”

“Huh? Oh, uhhhhhh” Ryuji said.

“Yeah, sorry” Ren said. “I like bringing him with me, but apparently these two have a bit of trouble getting along. You know how it can be.”

“I see,” Yusuke said. “To be honest, they seem to make a most amusing pair.”

“You don’t say,” Ren said.

“YUSUKE!” A voice shouted out. A car pulled over. The window rolled down to reveal an old gentleman. “Oh my. Who are these people?”

“Ah! Sensei” Yusuke said. “Forgive me I was just so taken in.”

The man walked out. “I see. Were you thinking of painting one of them?” Yusuke nodded. “My, what a wonderful surprise.” He turned to everyone else. “You’ll have to excuse Yusuke here. He gets lost in his own world at times.”

“...It’s fine,” Ann said, blushing.

“You can’t be serious?!” Ryuji said.

Sumire looked him over. “AH!” she yelped. “I’m sorry. It’s just, my father works for Good Morning Japan. It took me a second, but you’re the famous painter Madarame, right?”

“Oh, why indeed” Madarame answered. “You know, I have an exhibit coming up soon. Tell you what, since Yusuke has taken a shine to you, I’m going to go ahead and give you each a pass for opening day tomorrow.”

Ren smiled. “It would be an honor.”

Ryuji was confused. “Wha?”

“Splendid,” Madarame said. He got out four tickets and handed them out to everyone. “Thank you everyone. Well Yusuke, we should get going. We need to make the final preparations.”

“Huh? Yes sensei” Yusuke said. He stepped towards the car, but stopped. “Um, miss,” he looked at Ann. “Will you please consider my offer?”

Ann’s face turned red. “I’ll think about it.”

“Very well,” Yusuke said. “Thank you.” He got into the car. As he sat down, a new app loaded in on his phone. The metaverse app.

While this was happening, across the street, a street artist was selling their wares. He was a burly man with black spiked hair, a white t-shirt, and green pants. After selling one of their paintings, the customer said “Thank you!”

“No problem” he replied.

“You know, you should really consider a career in art,” the customer said. “You’re really good.”

“Nah” the artist said. He glanced across the street to see Madarame talking with some kids. “I don’t think I’d be a good fit for the art world.”

“I disagree,” the customer said. “But if you don’t feel like it, there’s not much I can do, right?”

The artist turned back to them “Right. Thank you.” The customer left. The artist looked back and saw Yusuke getting into the car with Madarame. “He’s still there…” The artist decided to pick up his things and leave.

He got back to his apartment. He lived alone. He walked up to the table and slammed his fists. “That BASTARD!” He looked down to see the plans for the exhibition hall for Madarame’s exhibit. He picked them up and remembered a conversation he had last week.

“What?” he said.

His boss was standing across from him. “I said Madarame hired our company to be the security team for his exhibit. And I want you to be the head of security.” The man looked despondent. “You’ve been saying you wanted to be the head of security for a while now. I feel like this is a good opportunity. You can still do it, right?”

The man looked at his boss. He didn’t want to protect Madarame, but he needed a gig like this. “Yeah,” he sighed.

“Very well. Look over the plans and make your arrangements.”

In the present, the man was staring at the plans. “What a joke,” he said. “I have to protect the man that ruined my life?! The man who’s ruined so many other lives?! It’s disgusting!”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Eris said. The man looked up to see her.

“Who are you?!”

“Me? I’m just a person who hates injustice, and wishes to see it corrected” Eris explained.

“If you wish to see it corrected, why don’t you correct it yourself?” the man asked.

“Oh, I’d love to,” Eris said. “But I’d much rather see you do it. After all, don’t you have a bone to pick with Madarame?”

The man seemed hesitant. “I do.”

“Then I know just the thing” Eris said. She pulled out an apple. “One bite of this, and you will be given the power to deal with Madarame once and for all.”

The man was taken by surprise. “What sort of trick is this? How’d you get in here anyway?”

Eris giggled. “I am what you would call a goddess. Simply helping those in need, such as yourself, Mr. Kosuke Ogawa.” Kosuke was shocked. “I’m not asking you to worship me. Just take a bite of this apple, and all your troubles will be long gone.”

Kosuke looked at her, and then the apple. He was a security guard. He felt this was risky. But at the same time, this was his chance. His chance to stop Madarame. His chance to stop someone still under his thumb. In a way, he felt like he’d be guarding the world from Madarame.

He grabbed it and bit into it. After he swallowed, he looked enlightened. “Of course. It’s all so clear to me now.” He started laughing maniacally. “This revenge needs an artist’s flourish!”

“I’m glad to have helped,” Eris said. She then disappeared as mysteriously appeared.

#persona 5 #persona fanfiction #persona 5 royal #p5r #p5r rework #p5 rework #p5 femc #p5 #FeMC #female ren #ren amamiya #ann takamaki #Sumire #kobayakawa #sadayo kawakami #mishima #dr maruki #yusuke kitagawa #ichiryusai madarame

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