#i am also in the process of making a playlist for Eight so look out for a post where i go absolutely insane with happiness

[n0v4t33z]

The Piece Of Eight - Chapter of Eledonia

Pairings: Capt. Hongjoong X Female Reader , Crewmate San x Female Reader (Overall not chapter specific)

Genre: Pirate AU, Romance, historical-ish, Action, Angst, Non-Idol AU

Word Count: 10.6k

Tags/Warnings: For Mature Audiences, Violence, Language, mentions of blood and gore, Highly Suggestive at times (This is a warning for the whole story overall)

Chapter specific: y/n uses her sword on Matz, y/n protects Matz from a fellow villager and cuts him a bit in the process, y/n remembers her traumatic past, Seonghwa mentions Hongjoong's past (Overall nothing too bad right now honestly)

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!

Spotify Playlist ⚓ | Masterlist 🏴‍☠️

Author's Note💌: Hi! This is one of my newer works and I hope whoever reads this enjoys it! I've worked very hard on this and tbh i've been working on this when I'm not writing for TS (which is alot because I'm stuck as of rn) Also I guess I'll say this right now but this story will have alot of blood and violence in the future chapters and in some instances flashbacks from MC's tragic past which will get VERY dark. I am aware not alot of people like that so before any of it starts I will warn you in future chapters of any trigger warnings. Anyway, please enjoy and don't be shy to leave me your comments or thoughts! (please be kind!) 🌙

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For as long as I can remember I’ve always been poor, not that it’s bothered me. If anything it has made me very resourceful and grateful for the little things I have in life, but it definitely would have been nice if we at least had something under our name because maybe then being prisoners for years wouldn’t have been an option. 

Then again everything that happened was against Eledonia's wishes so of course, that of being a prisoner was long ago from when I was 4 years old until I was about 13 so having to endure and watch all those years of people getting abused and tortured again and again on the daily definitely takes a toll on you. Lucky for me I put that anger I had in learning how to protect myself and my family.

 For a while my family was against it because according to them I should be focusing on something else that won’t risk me getting hurt, like being a good housewife. The way I think though is if I didn’t at least know the basics of training we’d suffer again like before and when the Saitors left our country that’s when it began.

 Now my grandpa, a retired soldier of our nation Eledonia has been training me for a few years now. He’s taught me everything I know about weapons and self defense. For the most part I train by myself by the shore near where our village is so I can hear the calming waves and stay watch in case any ship is nearby. Which is what I'm on my way to do this morning.

"Make sure not to stay too late over there, I need you to help me take these beans over to the market to see how much we can get for them" I nod "Sure, I'll be back later Mom!" I walk outside as the early morning sun slightly obstructs my vision causing me to slightly squint trying to get used to the brightness.

 While I walk down the trail I take in the beauty of the forest and see how much the flowers and leaves on the trees have bloomed since spring began, everything was so lush and green. As soon as I’m hit with the smell of the salty sea it’s my queue that I’ve arrived at my destination with no need to look over at the sea for confirmation which unknowingly at the time I’ll seemingly regret.

 I begin my training as per usual until a few hours pass by and I begin to hear shouting in the distance and splashes in the water almost like a ship was being docked. I run towards the edge of the shore and realize a man was watching me with his spyglass.

I couldn't make out his features but panicking now knowing how long he’d been watching me I start sprinting back home with adrenaline coursing through my veins. It takes me less than 5 minutes to arrive at my village's territory before I begin to yell in panic “A ship is docking!! They’re pirates!”

The villagers look at each other in confusion and panic until I spot the chief. I run as fast my legs could take me but my legs feels weak from the Imminent fear. At this point I don't know how I'm still standing.

 “Chief there are pirates docking their ship right now!! Please anyone! One of them looked right at me, they know there are people here now! ”

 Immediately the Chief rings a bell 3 times then walks over to me gently placing his hand on my shoulder “Thank you for telling me Metztli, run to gather your family and we’ll all head over to the underground cave.”

 I obediently nod and hurriedly run home and notice my mom feeding my little brothers  while my father and grandfather were having some sort of conversation then while still slightly out of breath I say “There’s a ship docking right now and it’s a pirate ship, we have to go..” 

Everyone freezes for a moment then my grandfather lets out a sigh and gets up “Let’s go. Leave everything as it is.” My parents begin packing a few things meanwhile I grab a few of my books and some of my clothes enough for a few days. 

When we arrive at the underground cave I notice the whole clan was there, of course our clan wasn’t very big but to see everyone gathered up there was shocking to see how many people were scared of the same thing happening all over again. Of course I don’t blame them, it was a time none of us want to remember. 

The inside of the bunker of the cave was far from fancy, it was basically a hole in the ground with a few torches on the walls for light and a few scattered bonfires for warmth and cooking, everything else was just rock.

 After a week in the bunker we all grew impatient and very hungry so the chief sent a few people out at dawn to see if the boat was gone, when the men came back they alerted the chief the boat was gone from where it was docked marking it safe for us to return back to our homes.

That very same day after returning home my mother sends me off to the market to buy a few necessities we ran out of while in the underground bunker. When I arrived at the market I realized I had a smile on my face, it was nice seeing everyone going back to normal. It was definitely a close call, it still doesn’t sit right with me how one of the people in that ship saw me. 

Luckily they’re long gone by now so I shouldn’t think about it too much. I walk over to a vegetable stand with a small old lady running it “Oh hi sweetie, how are you? What would you like today?” I smile and hand her the crescents along with the reusable grocery bag  “It’ll be the usual Rosalia.”

 She smiles and begins to load up the bag with vegetables “Aren’t you glad that ship was false alarm? I don’t think my old self could handle another invasion again honestly.” I nod “Another one would be a curse that was so scary, my heart almost jumped out of my throat when I saw them.”

 She hands me the grocery bag and says “Luckily it wasn’t anything to worry about sweetheart. Alright, be safe and go ahead and let your mother know I said hi.” I nod and wave goodbye and head over to the next vendor to buy my grandfather’s favorite snack, coconut candy.

 Although I really dislike the weirdly textured candy my grandpa seems to enjoy it and honestly that’s okay as long as he’s happy.

“Oh hi y/n what brings you here today?” I set bag of vegetables on the floor and dig into my pocket for money “Oh I’ll just have one coconut candy today for my grandpa” He grabs the candy and hands it over to me “One crescent”

 I nod and hand him the money and begin to walk away “y/n, wait up!” Causing me to halt in my steps and turn that’s when he wraps a small piece of cake and puts it in a small box and hands it over to me “It’s not much but it’s a small thanks for alerting the chief about the ship earlier this week” 

I reach over for the box with a “Oh wow thank you so much Armando, you have no idea how grateful i am for this.” I bow my head slightly and he does the same “Goodbye y/n take care!” I smile and wave goodbye and begin to walk towards the entrance of the market that’s when I see two young men around my age wearing unfamiliar attire.

 The shorter one’s hair was an unnatural shade of blonde with his hair being short in the front but long in the back, a small braid adorning his hair. His dark eyes are rimmed to resemble smoky soot stained eyes giving him a very intense look, he wore a simple cross chain around his neck and a single silver earring on his right ear, and wore a black odd looking cape thing and under it he wore a simple black long sleeve, on his left arm there was a black band of some sort that had an hourglass shape with a circle in the middle and 4 phases of the moon surrounding it. 

He also wore some sort of black pants accentuating his small figure. For the one standing next to him which was the taller one, his hair was jet black, and wore very similar style clothing only this one opted for a white colored long sleeve shirt and a grey colored vest over it to accentuate his small waist with the same sort of odd black cape thing over his shoulders.

 His pants being the same ones as the short one just iike their boots. One thing that stuck out is the tall one had a visible weapon on his back, a shot gun.

Fuck. Pirates. The shorter one leans over to tell the taller one something and that’s when the taller one begins walking in my direction. I have no weapons on me, I have to go. I drop my stuff and make a run for it into the forest. 

While I run I hear the man call out to me in the distance but unfortunately my fear is not letting me decipher what he was saying. I begin to run in the direction of the river by the water fall but take the alternate lesser known route.

 When I make it to the river I hide behind the waterfall that’s when I hear the tall man call out to me “Hello? I promise we won’t hurt you. We just want to talk.” I scoff almost laughing at his words. Not hurt me? Then why was he hoisting around a fucking shot gun on his back? 

I decide to stay quiet while he continued to try and lure me out then a few minutes later the shorter man with the arm band joins him at the side of the river and he joins him with the same words the other was protesting saying that they will not hurt me which is honestly hard to believe as I can now see the shorter one has weapons too. 

Suddenly the shorter one begins to speak my language “Hello, I will not hurt you. I want to talk.” I sigh realizing they know I’m here then I nervously say “How do I know that? The tall one and you have weapons.”

Both the shorter and taller man look at each other in surprise not expecting me to answer them back that’s when without hesitation the shorter man unholsters his gun and throws it in the river along with the sword that was perfectly hidden under his long cape thing. The tall one removes the gun from his back and throws it in the river the and shorter one continues “I am sorry. Can you come out?”

 Hesitantly I step out from behind the waterfall and I pick up a few rocks and throw them in their direction causing them to step back giving me enough room to grab the sword they threw into the river. “What do you want?”

 I point the sword at both of them causing them to both have their hands raised in mercy then the shorter one says “Alliance.

” I furrow my eyebrows “I’m confused, I’m poor. I have no influence.” He nods understandably “You have strength, I saw you training by the water when we first met 7 days ago” Suddenly it dawns on me this man was the same man watching me train through his spy glass by the shore.

 Unable to form any words out of shock I stay silent and the man continues “My name is Hongjoong, next to me is Seonghwa what about you?” Hesitantly I look around and study their expressions, they seemed genuine but a part of me is too scared to trust them “y/n.” 

I cannot tell them my real name, it’s way too dangerous. Hongjoong blinks a few times then says “You speak the universal language?” I nod “Yeah.” He sighs in relief “I’m sorry but that’s good because I was running out of Eledonian. I’m sorry If I was really bad at it I only know enough to get by.”

 I stay quiet for a few seconds then I muster the courage to say “Where did you dock? I swear your ship was gone when we checked this morning.” 

Hongjoong looks at the waterfall behind me then back at me “Ah, yeah we docked further down where our boat is hidden from other incoming boats.” 

I squint my eyes and press the tip of the sword right where his heart is “You better not be lying, if you try anything I will personally be the one to kill you.”

Hongjoong smirks and gently pushes the sword away from his chest “No worries, I wasn’t planning on it. Like I said, I want an alliance.” I narrow my eyes “Why are you asking me?” 

He steps away from me and looks over at Seonghwa and nods. Immediately Seonghwa hits my hand causing me to drop the sword and grabs my hand and twists it behind my back but I lean forwards making him weaken his grip on my arm and slightly lose his balance. 

I take that as an opportunity to kick him behind the knees and pick up the sword where I tightly press the blade against his neck while I stand behind him. Hongjoong slowly claps while walking back towards me smirking “I’m asking because I want you to be my protector. I knew it when I first saw you training by the shore. Fluid like water and precise like a bullet.” 

Nobody’s ever referred to me like that. He sure does know how to compliment people, I’ll give him that.

 I press the blade a little harder on Seonghwa’s neck causing him to quietly hiss “I’m sorry but I barely even know you. I cannot just leave my family for a bunch of pirates I don’t even know. There is only one person who I’m going to kill and his name is Miyagawa Masaki. Killing another human isn’t in my book unless they’ve hurt me or my family in any way.”

Hongjoong’s features soften dropping the plotting smirk and extends his hand in my direction “Alright, let’s get to know each other then because what if I tell you there’s hundreds like him? Ruining the lives of the poor and defenseless? Killing innocent people and eliminating hundreds of bloodlines. Would that change your mind?” 

I glance down at Seonghwa who was stiffly leaning away from my sword his head gently resting against my stomach, he gives a scared but genuine nod of reassurance of Hongjoong’s words.

  For a few seconds Hongjoong and I’s gazes mutually connect, something in his gaze tells me maybe I should trust him. I mean I can easily overpower either of them if anything goes wrong.

 I remove the blade from Seonghwa’s neck and push him towards Hongjoong causing him to fall on his hands and knees “Get out of here before I regret not killing you.” 

Seonghwa gets up then gently puts his hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder “I don’t think she’s coming Captain.” Hongjoong turns to Seonghwa and gives him a smirk and proceeds to walk in my direction and chuckles “I’m sorry for that y/n I just really wanted to see you in action up close. I really didn’t mean for that to be a personal attack.”

 I roll my eyes “How am I supposed to trust you if you literally attacked me. If anything you’re making me not want anything to do with you.” He smiles and says “Ah, so you were considering it at some point then?”

 I cross my arms and look at the ground “Perhaps..” Hongjoong pushes a strand of hair behind my ear completely catching me off guard by this gesture “What if I told you that if you come with me you wouldn’t have to worry about anything, I’ll pay for it. I’ll pay for food and supplies for your village, for protection, and I’ll even add money so that your family doesn’t have to worry while you’re away.”

I blankly look down then back at him and almost silently I say “I don’t know.” Seonghwa hesitates for a second but then gently pats my back “You don’t have to decide right now, it’s okay.” 

Hongjoong gently pats my arm “How about I treat you for lunch then we’ll come back to how you feel about me.” I nod “Yeah sure, but I’m keeping your weapons.”

 Without turning my back on them I carefully step back and step back into to the river while keeping my eyes on both men and pick up the shotgun and pistol. “I’ll give these back if I approve.

 Also, just for that little stunt you played before we go you have to help me with the groceries I was carrying.” They both nod and we head back to the market then I point at the groceries on the ground with my sword “Go get my stuff pirate boys.”

 Both men walk over and pick everything up then Seonghwa says “Where to?” I walk in between them and begin walking back to my home. 

After a bit of walking In silence I finally muster enough guts to break the ice "So uh why exactly are you guys here in Eledonia?" Seonghwa answers ”Supplies honestly, we were running out of a few things but of course the Captain saw you training and he wanted to meet you so we kinda gave the supplies duty to the rest of the crew while we looked for you."

 I quietly hum “So how many other crew members are there?” Hongjoong answers almost on queue “There’s eight of us in total who are in charge of overseeing the main duties so the other six are doing the supplies duty. The rest are sailors who help us run the ship.” 

The more welk the more I notice we’re now in my village's territory then In a low voice I say “By the way please don’t act scary, we’re in my village’s territory now.” They both make reassuring hums and as we walk to my house the rest of the villagers stare at us, their gazes burning into my skin. I’m sure they’re probably wondering why I’m even with people like this. 

Out of seemingly nowhere I see a fellow villager walking towards us with a weapon in hand “Get away from them Metztli!” I extend both my arms in front of Hongjoong and Seonghwa causing them to abruptly stop “Acatl there’s no need! They won’t hurt us!”

 He walks over towards me and pulls me aside and swings his weapon at both males “Like hell they are..”

I unsheathe my sword and step in front of him fully stopping the weapon from hitting either of them “You are not going to hurt them. We are not in danger.”

 Acatl clenches the hilt of the weapon “They are not who they say they are, they are not good people. All pirates are just as bad as those stupid silver spooned goons, all they do is lie to get what they want.” 

I turn to Hongjoong and Seonghwa and under my breath I utter  “Stay back.” and lock my gaze into Acatl’s “Stop being ignorant, just because we were hurt by some soulless bastards doesn’t mean it’ll happen again.” 

I push his weapon back slightly just enough for me to be able to swing my sword at him and graze his arm then take another quick swing at his hand causing him to drop his weapon and clutch his bleeding hand on his knees.

 “How could you protect these men?! And betray your own people like this?!” I point my sword at him to stay down “I protect those who deserve to be protected and right now they needed my protection, if they were to ever betray my trust they shall have the same fate as my enemy.”

 He slowly gets up clutching his hand “You are wrong for this, you are wrong for going against our village.” I smirk sheathing my sword and dusting myself off “I didn’t go against my people, I simply made peace where there would have been unnecessary deaths.”

As Acatl was about to say something the chief walks up to us with anger tinged in his voice “What is going on here?”  before I’m able to explain anything I hear my mom yell at me from a distance with the rest of my family following after her and with surprise and utter fear on her features.

 “Who are these men Metztli?! Why are they here?!” before I can explain anything my father and grandfather come up next to my mother to try and calm her down  “What’s going on?” 

“I can explain. These men are not evil, they just came here to buy some supplies for their ship and they happened to see me struggling with the groceries so they’re helping me. Then this idiot Acatl starts attacking us and so I just prevented unnecessary deaths.” 

The chief crosses his arms in front of him still clearly upset “Metztli just because someone does a nice thing for you doesn’t mean they are good.”

 My dad gives Hongjoong and Seonghwa a glare “You know better than to lead strangers to the village. You can never trust these punks, especially men.”

 I nod “I understand but they’re not bad people father. They were just helping me.” My grandfather gives me a stern look “What did I tell you about trust Metztli? Trust only yourself, no one else.”

I turn and I signal both men to set the things down “They’re just now leaving don’t worry.” I begin to gently push them the other way then Hongjoong turns and says “I want her to come with us. I want her to protect me.”

 I look at him in horror and shake my head he looks into my eyes for a few moments, smirks and continues “If she comes with us I will pay for the supplies in your village and I’ll pay a militia to protect and alert us in case anything ever happens. I’ll also throw in some money so the village can be renovated since I see the places being inhabited are severely run down and you know for whatever else you need the money.”

 Hongjoong looks down at my little brothers standing behind my mother and gives them a soft smile “I promise the rest of our crew will not let anything happen to your daughter. I’m just putting this out there, there doesn’t need to be an answer right now since y/n herself isn’t entirely sure either.”

 Hongjoong gives me a small smile and pats my head while Seonghwa  gives me a reassuring nod “Well, we will go now.” Hongjoong adds then my grandfather responds “Come again tomorrow, but lunch is on you guys.” 

Slightly taken aback both men nod and smile. Hongjoong then says “We will return tomorrow, it’s a promise.”

The chief looks over at my grandfather and says ���Are you sure about this? Welcoming strangers like this?” My grandfather watches the 2 pirates walk away while everyone else watches him in silence “Their proposition was interesting don’t you think chief? We’ll benefit out of this.”

 The Chief gives no response to my grandfather for a few seconds then looks over at Actatl holding onto his bloodied hand then back at me “I cannot get past just blindly trusting people we’ve never met before, it’s off putting not just for me but for the rest of the village.”

 My grandfather nods then turns and gives me a smile “We have my granddaughter if anything happens. She will protect her village at any cost no matter who it is. After all, It was I who trained her or what? Are you doubting my granddaughter’s prowess?”

 The chief stays silent then I give him a reassuring smile, like an indication that this situation was over everyone begins to head back to their homes including the chief. Acatl is the only one who stays behind and stares at me for a few seconds “If something happens this is your fault.” 

He walks away and I bite the inside of my mouth to hold back from further saying anything that’ll cause him to come back. To be truthful I am scared they may earn my trust then betray me but on the other hand I want to believe that nothing will happen and that they are genuinely good people.

The next day while taking a short break during training I hear the leaves rustling from behind and to my surprise it was Hongjoong and Seonghwa again. I’m pleasantly surprised they showed up, you’d think after what transpired yesterday they’d leave but I guess they aren’t weak hearted. 

“Hongjoong? Seonghwa? What are you guys doing here?” The blonde man extends his hand towards me and helps me up.

“I’m here because I want to thank you for yesterday.” I shake my head “Oh no sir I-” Hongjoong lifts his hand to silence me and says “You protected me and my first mate and I really appreciate that especially considering you had no obligation to do so. You could have easily let him kill the both of us but you didn’t.” 

He’s right, I didn’t need to save him. I could have let him fight his own fights but for some reason it’s like my body acted on its own. Seonghwa gives me a warm smile “For that we would like to ask you if you would like to be our friend. Our connection to Eledonia.” A connection? Me? Out of all the nobles or more important people here in Eledonia they ask me?

"I would be happy to be your friend." Hongjoong gives me a relieved smile “Well, that settles it. We are friends.” Seonghwa stands next to me and rests his elbow on my shoulders.

 "Okay, well maybe now that we're friends we should follow through with your grandfather and have lunch." I hum wiping the sweat off my forehead with a small cloth “Now that you mention it, I am kind of hungry.” 

Seonghwa squeezes my shoulders while behind me “Good, we’ve got some nice things prepared for you.” I squint my eyes “I would like to assume it’s a good thing and not a bad one.” 

Seonghwa and Hongjoong chuckle “It’s a good thing my dear, I had the cook of our crew make us some delicious food. They’ll be in the main square later serving the village so I’m sure your family will be there as well since we let them know this morning.”

 Seonghwa nods “Yes, so practice a few more hours and by then the food should be ready, we just came here and decided to give you some motivation so you’d finish your training strong.” I smile at both males “Seriously, thank you.” they both smile and Hongjoong responds “My pleasure, y/n. Anything to show you we’re worth trusting.”

 Wow, he really is trying his hardest if he’s going to go all out like this. Seonghwa excitedly smiles “We’ll see you later okay? Please come by, we’d really like for you to meet the crew” Wow, they really are so confident i’m going to leave. I look over at them and  nod “of course, I’ll be there no worries” Both men say their goodbyes and leave. I sit down for a few minutes and rest before I resume my training for the day.

After a few hours go by I decide to start walking home and the whole way there I think to myself why I saved these men and why was I being so selfless with them. Why did I feel the need to protect the Captain and his right hand man when I don’t even know them, this was all becoming so confusing to me. Not to mention my extreme trust issues with everyone, so I just can’t explain why I decided to trust them. Why am I so drawn to them?

When I arrive at the main square I see alot of people gathered around the front of my house. As I walk closer I notice Hongjoong talking to my grandfather while Seonghwa and another guy play with my siblings. 

There was an unknown male by the fire cooking and a few others whom I didn’t recognize but I knew were with “The Captain” judging by their clothes so those men must be his crew members. They’re feeding everyone I see, they’re really trying to win over not only my family but the whole village. 

I walk over to my mom and ask “Mom, when did they get here?” while watching my little brothers play she says “They got here a few hours ago. Hongjoong, the blonde one said he wanted it to be a surprise for you when you came back from training. You should go eat now, they brought meat! It’s your favorite.” I nod then I turn and see my grandpa and the chief speaking to Hongjoong, he looked happy. I hadn’t seen my grandpa smile since grandma died.

A sudden grip to my shoulder makes me slightly jump “You should go eat, the food will be gone by the time you’re done staring.” I turn and see Seonghwa holding a plate in his hand slightly out of breath giving me a sweet smile “Ah, hah I will sorry just got distracted.”

 I hope he didn’t think I was checking the captain out. That would be weird. Seonghwa walks over to me and hands me a plate of food and honestly it looked and smelled delicious. Roasted potatoes and meat. Meat is considered a delicacy and we can’t eat it very often because of how expensive it is so seeing it on my plate made my stomach rumble so I begin to eat before I even sit down.

 Seonghwa turns to me and chuckles “You like meat? It’s good right?” I nod while sitting down on the grass in front of the tree by the square since It was a little quieter here “I’m glad you liked it, I’m sure Wooyoung prepared it with his secret combination of spices. It makes things so much more tasty.” 

For a little bit there was a silence from the both of us eating but eventually I decide to get brave and ask “Are you guys really not going to hurt our people? Like you’re not doing this as a gimmick to gain our trust then kill or imprison all of us?” 

Seonghwa, slightly taken aback chokes a bit on his food and begins to cough, once a bit composed he clears his throat “No, of course not. We’re The Piece of Eight. We don’t steal from the people, we steal for them. All of our targets are all either royals, nobles, military chiefs or generals, politicians even but never the regular people who aren’t associated with that stuff. If anything we’re most infamously known for being anti government and helping villages who need it the most.”

So they’re basically like the story of Robin Hood, steal from the rich and help the poor. It’s understandable, the rich can be quite nasty. They’re very ungrateful.

 “Sounds a like a great cause, does that mean you have alot allies?” He slightly purses his lips “Somewhat, but it’s enough for it to help us not get caught.” 

I shove another spoonful of potatoes in my mouth “Also I guess I should explain this but, the reason Hongjoong needs an assassin and a protector is because the royals and government know about us now and they’re out to get the captain and knowing how he is he doesn’t want to appease the rich, much less the government meaning he’s going to keep doing what he’s doing even if he needs to kill people to get what he wants and what he wants is to put those people in their place and show them they’re not special that at the end of the day they’re a sack of skin and blood..”

 I stare aimlessly and un focus my gaze and without thinking I say “I agree with your agenda. Rich people are selfish and are out of touch with reality. They’re heartless and evil, I hate them. I hate them all.” Seonghwa furrows his eyebrows “Did something happen for you to strongly feel that way?”

 I set my plate down and shrug “Well, long story short the Saitor Kingdom invaded Eledonia and they killed hundreds of people and imprisoned alot of them as well. My village and other poor villages were taken as prisoners to work for the Saitors with the only pay was being fed enough to be kept alive. It was almost daily where there was an execution of a prisoner for seemingly stupid offences that had no reason to be that serious some of those were of course some members of my village. It was 9 years of complete and utter hell.”

The dark haired man sighs and says in a low tone of voice “I completely understand why you’d hate people like that. Some of us in the crew, specifically Hongjoong had the same luck as you except he was left with nothing.” 

A knot grows in my throat, as much as I didn’t know the Captain like that I can only imagine losing everyone you know and care about. “Meaning he has nothing left to lose.” I say with a knot in my throat and he nods “Yeah, which is why the crew is as close as it is because he considers us all his family.”

 I focus my gaze again and it happens to fall upon the Captain, seeing him smile while talking to the Chief, and my grandfather somehow broke my heart. As much as I know how annoying it is to be pitied, here I am doing it to a complete stranger who probably doesn’t want any of it. 

 “This is why he helps the people, because he knows his family would have wanted him to do something good with his life even if it’s somewhat subjective to other people.” So Hongjoong is a good guy, to be this young and already be so accomplished takes skill and he clearly has the skill and motivation for it all. Unfortunately at the cost of the people he loved the most.

“Sometimes it’s good to be going against the current, and I respect him for it.” Seonghwa adjusts himself more comfortably and puts his plate aside and exhaling softly.

“We all do too, but as of today I also respect you as well for enduring torture and witnessing such horrible atrocities everyday for 9 years, that must have been traumatizing.” I glance over at the people in my village, seeing how happy they looked.

 “Yeah, I guess seeing someone get shot in the face or get bludgeoned to death isn’t something a kid should be witnessing. Till this day I can still hear them choking on their own blood.” I look down at my hand and stipple my fingers on my palm.

 “I can tell you’re very close to the Captain.” I say changing the subject, it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it it’s more like I can’t talk about it because evreytime I do I can hear the blood squelching, bones breaking, and agonizing screams. They're so vivid. 

Seonghwa seems to catch on what I was doing and replies “We are actually, so close I know him like the back of my hand. Although sometimes it’s hard for him to show he cares so to a normal person it might look like he doesn’t care very much but he does he just does it differently than other people. Because to be honest I don’t think I’ve ever seen him be affectionate towards someone.” 

I giggle “Reminds me of my grandpa, he’s the same way. With my grandpa showing affection is him telling me stories from when he was a soldier or buying me some candy when we go to the market, things like that.”

Seonghwa chuckles and points with his eyes in the direction of Hongjoong speaking to my grandpa “No wonder they get along so well.” It’s so nice to see my grandpa smile, it’s been a while since he did.

 Ever since my grandma died my grandpa hasn’t smiled very much or that of all. In a way it seems like they’re both healing each other by speaking with each other. Suddenly I hear Hongjoong call out for Seonghwa, apologetically he looks over at me and says “I’m so sorry our conversation was cut short, Hongjoong is calling me.”

 I shake my head and motion him to Hongjoong “Go ahead I need time to myself anyway, I need to think whether or not I’m going to go with you guys.” Seonghwa reaches over and pats my shoulder “Alright, just remember do what your heart tells you not what others say.” I chuckle “I’ll keep that noted.” Seonghwa gets up and takes both our empty plates with him leaving me with my thoughts while I also observe the strange men here. No doubt they were all handsome and charismatic including Hongjoong and Seonghwa which is the reason why I’m assuming everyone grew to trust them so quickly. Even so, I’ll keep my eyes on them.

In the distance I see 2 black haired men walking towards me one had cat like eyes with dark hair and a grey streak in his hair, he was scrawny looking but has very wide shoulders while the other one had jet black hair, a strong jawline, and a small mole under his right eye. They both sit in front of me and smile “Hey, I’m Wooyoung and this is San. Hongjoong told us about you, so did you make up your mind? Are you coming with us?”

 Slightly taken a back from how forward  this Wooyoung guy is I shake my head “I don’t know, I’m not sure.” San gives me a dimpled smile “I hope you do, it’d be nice to have a new crew member.” 

Wooyoung looks over at San “Nah, you just want her to join us because she’s a girl.” San shoots a glare at Wooyoung “No, it would be nice if I could just have a reasonable person to talk to sometimes instead of an idiot like you who only says dumb things” Wooyoung teases San.“You have Yeosang and Yunho for that, they’re reasonable”  

I raise an eyebrow and smirk “Who says I’m reasonable though?” San looks at me like I’ve betrayed him while Wooyoung lets out a particularly loud laugh then I giggle “I’m just kidding, I’m y/n by the way.”

 I extend my hand towards San and smile almost without a second thought he reaches over and shakes my hand. His gaze connecting with mine with a small hint of awe he says “You have a nice name, It fits you really well.” Wooyoung then says “Is that really your name?” I laugh and nod “Yeah why? Does it throw you off that I have a universal language name instead of a more traditional name?” Wooyoung nods and says “Honestly yeah, but he’s right you have a nice name”

 If only they knew. So far they’re easy to get along with, I may end up taking this job just so my family stops being in the slums and my village as a whole is respected.

“So, how old are you guys?” I smile and look over at the two males and without hesitation Wooyoung replies “19, so is this guy. What about you?” I raise my eyebrow “You know you shouldn’t ask a girl her age, that's rude...” 

San stammers “I'm sorry we meant no disrespect..” I smirk “But if you must know though.. I'll give you a hint, i’m a few years older than you both” They both blink in shock then Wooyoung says “Wait how much older?” 

I shrug “Not more than 2 years” Wooyoung chuckles  “Ohh well you know I thought you were younger than us when I first approached you, you’re so short.” I scoff “I’m a girl of course I’m going to be short, common sense.” Wooyoung holds back a laugh “No I mean you’re short, short. I thought you were a child.” I roll my eyes “Yeah I am, short so what.” Wooyoung gives me a teasing smile While San says “You know that means you’re older than both our Captain and Seonghwa..” 

I raise an eyebrow “Are you guys calling me old?” They both shake their heads then Wooyoung nervously chuckles “Not at all! Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted some of the dessert I made. That’s the sole reason San and I came over was to ask.” I give them both a smile “Yeah sure, that would be nice. Thanks.” He gives me a smile and nods “Okay I’ll be right back, San stay.”

San lays back onto the soft grass and rests his hand on his stomach and replies " Sure, I'd love to.” Awkwardly I sit there for a few seconds not knowing what to say until San says “Listen, if you happen to join us and anyone in the crew ever says anything hurtful don’t listen to them, They can be bastards sometimes, it’s like they forget how to interact with other people.”

 I look up at the blue sky avoiding eye contact with him, feeling his gaze on me. “Thanks, I’ll keep that noted If I decide to go.” After this brief interaction San and I both look up at the sky in comfortable silence until Wooyoung comes back and hands me a small little bowl with some sort of probably foreign dessert and says “I’ve brought you dessert, I’m not sure how sweet you like things but it’s not overwhelmingly sweet. It’s a type of peach tart, it’s really good. I don’t know if you’ve ever had it before.” 

I examine the “peach tart” and to my knowledge I’ve never seen anything like it. “I actually have never seen anything like this before this looks very foreign to me, although I have seen cake before and we only have it for special occasions it’s very rare if we get to eat sugary things like this because they’re so expensive.” 

I take the silver ware he brought with him and take a bite out of it “Oh wow, this is delicious.” Wooyoung gives me a prideful smirk “That’s only because I made it.” I giggle and take another bite “Well your cooking is amazing, let me guess you cooked the meal today too didn’t you?” He nods with a big smile on his face then San says “Look at you, you’re so full of yourself.” He gives San a smirk “You’re just mad she didn’t compliment you.”

In the distance two more men walk up to where we were sitting except these two looked very tall, extremely tall almost like two twin towers. One had dark hair parted down the middle with the fringe of his hair adorning his soft puppy like features and the other one had black rimmed glasses, his hair was dark blue and had a neatly slicked back side part on his hair. 

Both men were definitely taller than Seonghwa for sure, and he was the person I originally considered tall. Wooyoung notices me staring behind him and he turns “Oh hey Mingi and Yunho, this is y/n. Hongjoong’s possible new protector and crew mate.” 

The dark haired one squints and looks at Wooyoung slightly confused then the one with glasses says “She’s so tiny, she looks like a doll…” Wow, I’ve never heard that one before, I was just called a child a few minutes ago. “You think Hongjoong will have her dressed up all cute and she’ll be like a cute killer doll or something?” 

The dark haired one’s expression looks at Mingi in disgust “Maybe you should stay quiet Mingi, you’ll scare away the Captain’s new protector.” Yunho then looks over at me and gives me a concerned look “He’s weird please don’t listen to him. Anyway, hello y/n I’m Yunho” Mingi then responds “I’m Mingi, hi ” I give them both a smile and shake both their hands “Hello, i’m y/n”

 Mingi gives me a very shy dorky smile then I cross my arms in front of my chest knowing exactly where he was looking “So, you guys are pirates right? So does any of you have specific roles or duties?” Wooyoung then says “Ah yeah we do. I’m the cook.” Yunho gives me a curt smile “I’m the doctor” San raises his hand shyly “I’m the craftsman, I fix and make things.”

Lastly Mingi pushes up his glasses and gives me a dimpled smile “I’m the navigator, I work out which way the ship needs to go and I check if the conditions are right for safe travel” Wooyoung continues “Hongjoong of course is the Captain, Seonghwa is the First Mate and Quartermaster which in short just means that he's Hongjoong's right hand man and if Mingi, Jongho or Yeosang need an extra hand he’s there to help.” 

I look around my front yard and point over at the two male figures playing with my brothers “What about those two? What do they do?” Mingi sits next to me and says “Well..Yeosang is the helmsman, the guy who steers the ship and keeps it going in the direction it needs to go while Jongho is the gunner which is a fancy word for the guy who sets up and orders the canons to be fired and helps Yeosang and I with surveillance.”

 I nod with my lips slightly pursed “Hm, wow that’s some awesome duties you guys have.” Yunho shrugs “It has their ups and downs, sometimes I second guess myself as to what I’m doing on that ship” San then says “What about you? What role do you play in your village?” I run my fingers below on the soft grass next to me “I’m poor, I don’t have a role. I have no influence or power. The most my family has done is my grandpa being an Eledonian soldier, he was the one who’s trained me since I was about 16 or 17 years old making that maybe 5 or 6 years of him training me.” 

Mingi gasps “Wait, wait, you’re older than all of us including Seonghwa?! You look so young, how is that possible?!” Wooyoung looks over at Mingi “We already freaked out about that..” Mingi rips out some grass from next to him and throws it at Wooyoung “Excuse me but I wasn’t here when that happened “ Wooyoung dusts the grass away “You snooze you lose, and geez stop that you’re going to get grass in y/n’s peach tart.” 

Mingi mocks Wooyoung causing him to roll his eyes and gets up “Okay I’m going now, I need to go clean up are you coming or not San?” San motions him to leave and closes his eyes “I’m fine where I’m at” Yunho gets up and follows behind Wooyoung “I’ll help!” Mingi gets up and pats my head “I’ll see you later little doll my companion has just left me.” He catches up with Yunho and Wooyoung. 

As soon as he leaves I let out a soft sigh and rest my head against the trunk of the tree looking in the direction of my family, mom, dad, siblings, and grandpa. What would life be without them? San noticing this he sits up and looks in my direction “Are you okay?” I nod and give him a smile “Ah, yeah I’m just exhausted from training this morning.” He nods and scoots over next to me “Ah, I see.” Ahh fuck I was going to get up after this.

I don’t want him to feel bad for getting up right after he sits next to me. I guess it wouldn’t hurt sitting here. “So.. do you have friends?” I continue staring ahead at my siblings and the whole scene before me and I press my lips into a line for a few seconds then a weak smile paints my features “I did at one point, but my obsession with training and everything kind of drove them away. That and I tend to stay in my own world and nobody wants to deal with those types of people.”

 From the corner of my eyes I can see San give me a look of pity then I continue “But that’s fine because I get more stuff done, having friends is a nuisance. “ He thickly swallows almost like he was going to say something but decided he wasn’t going to say anything and very slightly nods “I see, I’m sorry you feel that way.” 

I turn and give him a bright smile “Enough of me though, how long have you been with the crew?”  San thinks about his answer for a bit and says "Hm, like 2 or 3 years? I'm not sure but I've been here for a while." I slowly nod gently running my fingers through the grass "So since you've been out at sea for a bit you probably already know how it is out there." He hums "Yeah, it's pretty bad. More often than not there's always ships trying to rob us so we're constantly on guard not to mention the government being after us doesn't help at all."

God, that sounds horrible. Living every single day on fight or flight mode? On borrowed time? "Wow, that sounds…exhausting." San chuckles "Hah yeah, it is. The only difference is that having the crew there with you helps a lot. You forget the atrocities of the world for a bit until you have to face them all over again." 

San shifts his gaze from the sky over to me, despite his smaller frame it didn't take away from how handsome he looked which made his stare a bit more intimidating "Don't worry though, like I said you've got me if you're ever in a tight spot." I quietly nod and give him a shy smile “Oh, thanks.” we both sit there in silence again until I feel a sudden tap on my shoulder, when I turn around I see my younger brother standing there “So uh, brother kind of fell and he’s crying.”

 I let out a sigh “Dude, mom’s told you guys to be careful.” He nods “I didn’t do anything, he was being a show off with those pirate guys.” I get up and turn to San “I’m sorry. If you’ll excuse me I need to check on my brother’s dumbassry.” He chuckles and gives me a dimpled smile “Oh sure go ahead.” 

I give San a small curt smile and walk behind my brother leading me the way to my crying brother. When I arrive I see Jongho awkwardly patting my younger brother’s back trying to console him While Yeosang looks on slightly uncomfortable. Once he sees me Jongho looks over at me and says “Oh hey, your brother fell off the swing trying to show us a trick.” I cover my face in frustration and embarrassment then fake a smile looking at my little brother “Didn’t mom tell you to stop that?” He sobs nodding “I’m sorry, I thought it would have been cool for them to see.”

I close my eyes trying not to cringe out of my skin and open them gently patting his head “Look, you could show them those cool tricks you do playing ball. You could seriously get hurt doing that, I’m sure they’ll still think it’s cool. Right?” I look over at Jongho and Yeosang giving them the look of “Please say yes” then he looks over at my brother and nods “Yes, of course I’ll still think you’re cool. You don’t have to do something dangerous in order for it to be cool.”

 My little brother wipes his tear ridden eyes “Really?” Jongho nods “Yes, of course. Remember that trick Seonghwa showed you earlier that you got right away? You should show your sister.” My little brother looks over at Yeosang who was holding a ball then he gives my brother a reassuring nod. He gently throws the ball over at my brother and he kicks the ball making it over the branch of a tree behind them. Immediately both men cheer for my brother and I look over at him with a very impressed look on my face. “Wow, your aim is really good now..” My little brother nods and puts his hands on his waist looking very proud “Thank you..”  

After consoling my brother, I walk around to look for that San guy I was talking to but I couldn’t see him anywhere. I walk around the town square to see if maybe he’d wandered off there but nothing, it wasn’t until I was walking home I hear a faint low voice then some giggling shortly after. 

I noticed the voices were coming from the side of a fountain so I didn’t think much of it and continue walking until I hear “Sannie, stop that tickles!” causing me to halt in my tracks and feel a pit in my stomach. Unfortunately curiosity got the best of me and I walk over and peek behind one of the pillars of the fountain only to see San pinning a girl against it having a very intense makeout session that if anyone saw something similar would definitely guess they’re on the brink of coitus. Yeah no. That should have stayed a curiosity. 

I start walking away and let out a soft sigh with the pit in my stomach still feeling funny. Who would have thought that guy with such a sweet smile was a player? Actually you know what? I’m not surprised. Pirates are known to have many children scattered everywhere so I should have expected this in all honesty. 

The rest of the guys are probably the same including Hongjoong and Seonghwa, I mean they are men after all. Very good looking ones at that but for all I know some of them are probably married. Wait, wait, why am I even upset about this? Why am I even thinking about this? I don't even know the guy, this is ridiculous. He could bang all the girls he wants for all I care, I guess looks are deceiving.

Three days pass by since the pirates came by our village and every single one of those days Hongjoong and Seonghwa would stop by during my breaks in training to hang out which was kind of weird to me since I wasn’t used to all of this since my friends would never even want to talk about my training much less come visit me while I was actually practicing especially when I would practice with my gun, they’d always complain over how loud it was. 

Today was different though they didn’t even show up during my second break today which was unfortunate but they’re probably busy considering Hongjoong is the captain of a massive ship and Seonghwa is his right hand man so something must have come up. So when the sun was close to set now and I begin walking home I hear leaves rustling and to my surprise it’s the Captain himself only this time it was just him. “Hey Captain, it’s nice seeing you. Where’s Seonghwa?” He slowly walks over to me and I notice he has something in his hand, not a weapon of any sort it was an hourglass.

It was an hourglass with a beautiful golden frame and the sand being as pure white as the shore’s it was beautiful but I wonder why he has it with him. “Well, I came to talk to you.” Talk to me? With that expression honestly I’m wondering what exactly he’ll be talking to me about since he’s so serious. It’s probably not a good thing which is making me really nervous and hesitant to even ask. “Sure what is it? Is there something wrong?” 

He extends his hand and gives me the hourglass “When the sand runs out, we will be gone. You have until then to decide if you want to come with us if you want to get back at the Saitor Empire for what they did to Eledonia.” My stomach drops and suddenly I feel cold. This is exactly what I was dreading, having to choose between staying here and leaving. I look down at the trickling sand then back up at him and let out a sigh “We’ll be waiting here by the shore, where I first saw you.” I nod then he walks away disappearing into the forest and the first thing I instinctively do is my eyes well up with tears, this is it. I have to make my choice, choose my destiny.

 Am I going to be training forever and never get that bastard back or am I going to put my training to good use and finally make an example of that man? I walk home with tears in my eyes knowing the answer and what I must do, mostly so that my family and my village can live a good life at the expense of me risking mine.

 I go straight to my corner of the room and begin to pack my things that’s when my grandfather comes into the room and looks at the hourglass then shifts his gaze over at me packing my things while crying in silence then he decides to speak “I know you’ll do well my little Metztli, you’ll bring us justice. You’ll bring your grandmother justice and all the other people that we lost during those years thanks to those greedy men.”  

That’s when I finally break down and begin to cry my eyes out and hug my grandfather tightly “I’m scared grandpa, I’m scared I’ll let everyone down and I’m scared of not ever being able to see you guys again.”

He hugs me tight for a few seconds then pulls away with his arms on my shoulders “Sweetheart, you’ll see us one day this is not a goodbye but a see you later. In case my body ever decides it can no longer stay alive, just remember I’ll watch over you. I’ll never leave your side, ever. Your family will be here, your fellow clansmen will be here waiting for your victorious return.” 

He lifts my chin up to meet his eyes and says “Be the lethal soldier I’ve trained and make those people remember Eledonia, because staying here means you quit.” Teary eyed and more calm I nod then he smiles and gently pats my cheek and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear “That’s my little girl, the strong little Metztli.” I keep hearing that word “strong” but I honestly don’t feel like it. I feel weak. How could people see someone so strong when I see the weakest person on Earth for being so distraught over this. 

After talking to my family about my final decision my family along with the Chief decide they will send me off. When we arrive at the shore I see the massive ship whose flag proudly displayed was that of a skull inside of an hourglass. This was it.

Hongjoong stands at the top of the ramp and gives me a welcoming smile. I turn to my mom and give her a tight hug, one that lasts for quite a bit until my mom pulls away gently cupping my cheek “If you ever want to come back home we’ll be here sweetheart. Please take care of yourself, and remember we love you.” My mom's eyes well up with tears and I hug her again gently kissing her cheek.

 I look over at my dad who was intently staring at the ship and doesn’t move one bit until I finally say “Hey dad, I’m going now. Take care of mom, grandpa and my brothers.” My dad clears his throat and nods “Yeah, of course Metztli I’ll do that. You go ahead and have fun..” Although my father and I’s relationship has been strained for years I feel like I need to grow some balls and hug him because I never know when I’ll be able to see him again so I reach over and give my dad a tight hug. From the corner of my eyes and judging from the body language he awkwardly hugs me back. When I pull back my dad gives me a reassuring nod whilst still feeling awkward from the hug. I could tell he didn’t hate it though, he just struggles to show he cares.

 Up next I look at my grandpa who was looking at me with a fond smile then gives me a tight hug gently kissing my cheek. Once my grandpa pulls away from the hug he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a beautiful sea blue ring, puts it on the palm of my hand and closes it tightly. “It was your grandmother’s, it’ll protect you. She’ll be with you.” 

I smile and kiss my grandpa’s cheek and put the ring on my ring finger. Grandpa then pulls out a bundle that was strapped behind his back “Do me a favor and return these to the Captain and his friend. I’ve refurbished them and cleaned them up.” Their weapons, the ones they threw into the river. How did my grandpa know about it? Hongjoong must have told him when they were talking a few days ago. “Of course grandpa. I’ll let them know.” When I look over at the Chief he gives me a nod of approval and a smile.

From there, I begin to walk up the ramp to the ship until I feel a tug at my shirt. When I turn around I see it was both of my brothers “You forgot about us..” I bite the inside of my cheek and shake my head “Of course not, I just didn’t want you two to see your big sister cry is all..” I pull them both in for a hug gently patting their heads with one hand each. When I pull back the youngest of my brothers says “Grandpa told me and brother why you're leaving, don’t die please. Come back so you can see my tricks again when i’m better.” 

I give my youngest brother a smile and nod “Of course kiddo, I promise I won’t die…” My brothers give me one last hug again and run back down the ramp and into my mother’s arms. The closer I get to the top the harder it gets to take a step. Once on top the ramp is collapsed back into the ship and the ship begins to set sail. I walk over to the railing and wave goodbye to my family until they decide to go back home. That’s when Hongjoong puts a hand on my shoulder and says “I know it was a hard decision but I promise you’ll see them again.”

 I silently nod and he continues “Do you want Wooyoung to prepare you something? Are you hungry? Perhaps tea?” I shake my head and stare the now empty shore of Eledonia “I’ll stay here.” He gently squeezes my shoulder “I’ll get Seonghwa to come show you to your room a little later when you’re done okay?” In a barely audible voice I reply with “Yes Captain.” And there I sat in silence watching Eledonia until I could no longer keep my eyes open.

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Next Chapter

#ateez series #ateez angst #ateez imagine #kim hongjoong x reader #choi san x reader #pirate au #ateez fanfiction #ateez x reader #kpop imagines

[immortalbutterflycos]

I've come to realize something important in writing. (specifically in my personal experience)

(TLDR; I have ADHD and writing is hard even though I'm still doing it every single day. Make it make sense.)

If you have a story in your head that means a lot to you, and you need to take more time to develop and fully flesh it out before posting it, that's totally okay! In fact, in my experience, it has the potential to make the story better over time, really forming it into what you imagine it to be.

Here's an example because I just typed a lot of words and right now I can't seem to process whether they make sense or not.

I have a fanfic that I've been working on for a year now. (For the Marauders fandom if y'all are curious)

It's one that I haven't talked about much because every time I do, I end up losing the motivation to write. This is what happened to another one of my fics for the Haikyuu fandom. (well that and the Marauders.. yeah they fucked me up in the best way and Freckles and Constellations has really suffered because of it smh)

So the reason why this fic is taking so long is because it is such a specific AU that I'm out here trying to meld magic systems, and I've got like EIGHT MAIN CHARACTERS to write backstories for to fit this AU while also being true to them and even though I know the basic plot, there are just so many little details and aspects that will make this fic what I desperately need it to be.

And no one knows just how intricate it is or how important it is to me. Which is totally fine. I don't even know if people are going to read it when I finally manage to post it. This fic is purely self-indulgent.

let me just break down for you what I have prepared for this already:

countless drabbles and scenes and plans written on the backs of receipts and on bits of scrap paper

a 3" 3-ring binder that I've been trying to organize it all in

a google doc titled "TAoRfOL Doc Masterlist" that has links to every single doc I have for this one fic. (it's dated back to March of last year and as of this month has 93 total links. Only 5 of those are reference links.)

notes and ideas i have written in my phone to transfer into docs so I can add them to the masterlist

Hero Forge digital models of those 8 main characters because I wanted to see what their group would look like outside of my imagination

Multiple Spotify playlists dedicated to this fic and the characters which I listen to every single day. (currently @ 494 songs)

And you know what? I just recently, at 6 am this morning, finally figured out the solution to a fucking plot hole I could not work around.

Basically what I'm saying is that I needed all of this time. Every single day I see things and get inspiration. Every day I learn new things and fix errors in my own plans.

As much as I crave the validation and recognition for all of my hard work on this project, I know that If I had just bit the bullet and posted the first chapter without having done all of this research and all of this planning, then it would not have lived up to the story I have in my head.

I admire people who can just write without all of the added steps and in some cases, I can do that. I haven't been able to in a while (which is why that Valentine's Day microfic was actually really big for me to have posted) but that's just how my brain works.

I needed all of my experiences and all of my daily thoughts and all of my collective playlists for this fic to be able to write the story I intended and that is exactly what I'm going to do.

(though if I'm being honest, this timeline is rough. I really want to just write and post this first chapter so so so bad. ToT)

#writing with adhd #fanfic author #writer #TAoRfOL #marauders fanfiction #jegulus #wolfstar #rosekiller #marylily #dorlene #the marauders #regulus black #james potter #sirius black #remus lupin #peter pettigrew #lily evans #dorcas meadowes #barty crouch jr #do Peter and Benjy have a ship name??? #platonic moonwater

[sacredbbl]

Love At First Gig

Josh Kiszka X Y/N

TW: oral, sexual intercourse, sub , Alcohol, Marijuana

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Love at First Gig

Chapter 1

Y/N POV

You watch the clock as it hits 4:30. Procrastinating the reports that you have to get done by Monday. Tapping your fingers to your desk you think about how the last month has been.

Moving to a new city is hard not to mention breaking up with your fiancé in the middle of the process. You always had a hard time with confrontation ; so when you found out that Derek had a whole other family that you didn’t know about.

You decided to start a whole new life . Leaving the engagement ring on the counter you moved all your possessions into your car and left. You were able to transfer to another branch of the company. You felt that Nashville would be different.

So within a week you drove all the way from Massachusetts to Nashville, Tennessee, found an apartment that was perfect for you and started your first week at a new branch.

Suddenly you heard a voice speak to you from the cubicle next to you. You didn’t need to look up to know it was Priyanka. She was the first person to speak to you when you started. Well one of the only people who are nice to you in this office.

“Hey Y/N , I know you are new to Nashville, Do you want to come with Kyle and I to a local bands gig tonight? They are really good!” She asks

Just as you were about to answer Kyle popped up from the other cubicle.

“Yeah the lead singer is wicked hot.” He chuckles.

You were super happy you met Kyle. He understood your sense of humor since he was also from Massachusetts.

“I mean it wouldn't hurt to have a rebound hookup, “ Priyanka suggested with a wink.

They knew what happened to get you to move here.Both Priyanka and Kyle had become your friends within the last week.

“I don’t know about a rebound but I could use a little fun!”

“Awesome, meet at my apartment at eight! Ill send you the address!” Priyanka whispered as your boss Charlie strolled past your cubicle. Suddenly, you were looking forward to tonight .

You looked at your monitor and noticed it was already five. You packed your belongings in your backpack and headed towards the busy street. As you walked into the warm Nashville breeze you put your headphones on and turned on your playlist.

You quickly made it to your apartment building; going up the elevator and walking into your apartment. You threw your backpack on the floor near the door and made your way to the bedroom making your way through the maze of boxes all around the floor. You stopped at the box labeled tops, you knew exactly which one you wanted to wear to the bar tonight.

You dug through the box until you found the black lacy corset top. You paired it with a pair of black boyfriend jeans and a belt. By the time you finish your makeup and hair it is already 7:30.

Shit I am going to be late you thought as you pulled up your phone and ordered an Uber. Taking a deep breath and a hit of your pen you walked down to the street to wait for your Uber.

Josh POV

You wake up with a pounding headache as your usual hangover kicks in.Going into the kitchen you find your old reliable, aspirin. You opened your aspirin bottle and took a few with a swig of tequila. Jake’s voice cut through the grogginess of your brain.

“Hair of the dog ,right brother?” He chuckled.

You would not say you were an alcoholic but it definitely helped you live with your choice of skipping college to make it big with your band.

Except you didn’t make it big you played the same three bars every week. You’d thought you'd have taken off by now but you were still struggling to make rent and eat.

Today was Friday, you would play a gig at Murphy's bar just like you have done a thousand times. Talk to the same thirty people , get drunk and do it all over again on Saturday. You looked at your apartment and wondered how you got to this point in your life.

You shared a tiny one room apartment with the three other members of the band. You and Jake slept in one room , Danny slept in the huge walk in closet and Sammy slept on an old mattress in the kitchen. It wasn’t much but it was better than being on the street.

Finally arriving to the show, you greeted the usuals - the men who sat in the corner, the women who sat by the windows, the teenagers who had managed to make their way in with a fake ID.

You watched Jake set up his guitar, tuning it as he always did. It was going to be another long night.

As the lights dimmed slightly, you began, the same routine as always. You drew your eyes through the crowd, playing the same old songs you always did. By now, the regulars had learned the words, singing along with you.

One day it’ll be a stadium, one day it’ll be people you don’t recognise, one day it’ll be people who come out just for you, and not to just have a drink.

You watched your brothers as they played, engrossed in the music. Perhaps they didn’t care as much as you did, maybe they weren’t as concerned with making it big. Regardless of the size of the venue, you still gave it your all, wrapping your fingers around the microphone as you made

your way across the stage.

It was then that you saw her.

Someone new. A whole group of new people.

It instilled a new motivation in you, these were people that you knew you could draw in, people that you could have coming back for more.

And so, you found yourself giving it everything that you had, watching them intently.

“She is a lady, comes from all around

So many places, but she’s homeward bound.

And now she walks kinda funny

I think she knows

Day by day by day

Our love grows

She’s a lantern in the night

She’s out of sight”

You seemed to catch her attention with that one, with the group making their way to table not far from the stage.

As they ordered their drinks, you noticed her looking up at you, her eyes falling downward when you met her gaze. You couldn’t help the gentle smirk that crossed your lips - Gotcha.

As the group drank, you found her stealing glances at you, a soft blush covering her cheeks.

Y/N POV

You couldn’t stop yourself from looking at him as he sang - there was something about the way that he moved, something about the passion that was dripping from his lips.

You could easily tell that he was in love with his job - seemingly having the best time of his life. You found yourself standing as he sang, your drink in hand.

You made your way towards the stage, swaying before him, feeling the bass vibrating under your feet. You could feel your friend’s eyes on the back of your head, but you didn’t care - all that you could feel was the music. You were the only one stood - the only one who was dancing.

As he sang, he caught your eye once more, making his way towards the front of the stage, mimicking you. You hadn’t noticed him leaning down towards you, his head just above yours, his eyes studying your face.

“As the days pass by my mind

Are the wrong, the right, you are my sunshine

And as the night begins to die

We are the morning birds that sing against the sky”

The grin that spread across your lips was indescribable. You decided at that moment that you absolutely had to have him - regardless of what you would have to do, he would be yours. He seemed to catch your drift, passing you a small scrap of paper -

“Meet me backstage.”

You didn’t need much convincing, sending your friends a quick nod, before moving towards the small room in the back. It was quiet in there - a few instruments strewn around, some solo-cups filled with unrecognisable liquids.

You found yourself sitting down onto the couch as you waited for him, crossing your legs. You raised your cup to your lips, allowing the liquid to fill your mouth. As the crowd clapped, you became nervous - What would you say to him? Good job? You could tell that he knew he was good - he didn’t need the extra reassurance.

Before you could decide on what move you’d make, the door opened. The youngest of the group was first, gently placing his bass down onto the ground, leaning it against the wall.

He found your eyes, furrowing his eyebrows at you.

“Who the fuck are you? What’re you doing here?”

You weren’t too sure what to say, simply looking up at him. Stuttering over your words, you were glad when somebody else began to speak. The drummer, it seemed.

“Sam, don't be so rude. You can’t tell me that you didn’t see Josh making eyes at her literally all night long - you know damn well why she’s here” he laughed, elbowing the bassist in the ribs. The younger huffed, making his way through the door. Taking just a moment to catch your breath, another walked in - his hands running through his hair.

“I assume you’re here for my brother.” he hummed, his eyes barely visible over the sunglasses that adorned his face. You simply nodded, before he spoke again.

“Jake. Nice to meet you.” You nodded towards him, gushing about how much you had loved the set. A soft smile crossed his face, clearly appreciative that somebody new was finally listening.

Josh POV

It wasn’t normal for you to be the last one backstage. But knowing she was going to be there made you nervous. Sure you had talked to many girls before but this one seemed different than others.

You found yourself wanting to know everything about her. As you made your way backstage you grabbed a drink for yourself and chugged it trying to make yourself feel confident.

Finally you swallowed your nerves and opened the door . You found her sitting on the couch talking to Jake. They seemed to get along but as soon as Jake saw you he excused himself to the bar for his nightcap.

This would be the first night that you would not get absolutely trashed and you didn’t care. You break the silence in the room.

“Hey gorgeous, I’m Josh, I-”

She cuts you off.

“Josh I know who you are,you introduced yourself like five times throughout your set.” She chuckled

You run your fingers through your hair. You’ve realized you have gotten a funny one.

“ Well, how did you like the show?” You asked, trying to change the subject.

“ I loved it, you are a genius like a lyrical genius. I’m surprised you aren’t touring all over the place!” You could tell she meant what she said her eyes lit up as she spoke to you. The conversation felt natural. You sat next to her on the couch and talked for hours, never getting sick of each other. She was special. All of a sudden you felt your phone vibrate. So you quickly excused yourself to answer the messages.

2 new messages in the band chat

Jake: Hey dick where are you?

Danny: Dude we are leaving, are you coming?

You quickly type your answer not wanting to leave her alone.

You: No; I have to talk to the manager about our pay. Leave without me. I will let you know when I’m on my way home.

Sam: Dude you can’t seriously think we believe you.

Danny: You fucker, you can’t use our trick and then lie to us. You are gonna fuck her backstage.

You could tell they were giggling together as they messaged you. You knew this was their go to. Invite girls backstage , then hit it and quit it. But you didn’t want to quit her.

Sam: Dude are you going to ejaculate and evacuate?

Danny: Pump and Dump?!

You shut off your phone not wanting to engage in this conversation anymore and go back to the couch.

Sitting next to her you could not wait any longer and found yourself leaning in for a kiss. You were surprised when her lips crashed into yours with a kind of ferocity that starving animals had.You wanted this to happen.

You wanted her to take what was hers. You wanted her to conquer you. To label you as hers ; In fact that was all you could think of for the last hour . Her.

Y/N POV

You were glad when he finally made a move - having been staring at his lips for the entire night, just waiting for the go ahead.

It was as if he were oxygen, and you hadn’t been breathing all night. Quickly leaning over him, his back was pressed against the leather of the couch, a sense of desperation in his eyes. It was easy to find his soft skin with your lips, getting to work on marking him up.

Deep, purple bruises began to grow on his skin, a soft whine leaving his lips as you worked on him. His hands were firmly placed on your hips, his fingertips pushing bruises into them. Your hand began to wander, one finding its way to his hair, and the other to his groin.

You palmed him slowly, his hips bucking up to meet your touch.

“Please.. Please” he begged, doing his absolute best to not squirm under you.

“Please what?” you teased, your teeth grazing against his skin, causing his hair to stand on edge.

“Please touch me.” he replied, his voice low.

You did as you were commanded, not wanting to leave him waiting for any longer. Your fingertips made quick work of unbuckling his belt, sliding into his pants. You took him into your hand, stroking him slowly.

You couldn’t believe the noises that left his lips - such filth for such a pretty boy. He was so desperate, his body pushing up into your hand, begging for more. You complied with his wishes, hooking a finger around your panties and pulling them to the side.

You were soaking already, slowly sitting onto him. His head fell back, as you moved slowly, teasing him. His chest rose and fell in rapid succession, as he finally caught his breath, pushing his hips up further.

A low moan erupted from your throat, which only seemed to make him more desperate - clearly eager to please. He was so good for you, doing exactly as he was told to do every time that you moved.

He was addicting - every noise that fell from his lips was beautiful, a symphony of begs, and moans. You couldn’t help yourself, your hand finding his hair once again, tangling the tight curls around your fingers.

His eyes widened slightly, finding yours. You simply smirked at him, before tightening your grip, grazing your nails across his scalp.

“I…I’m gonna-” he began, before you cut him off, placing your lips onto his once more. “Wait. Wait for me” you hummed, kissing his jawline, with him nodding quickly, wanting nothing more than to make you happy. You loved how receptive he was, how willing he was to behave. You had him wrapped around your little finger already.

As you could feel yourself reaching your peak, you leaned down to him, whispering soft praise. His eyebrows furrowed, his head falling back once more.

“Come on, baby, cum for me” you whispered, your mouth barely touching his ear.

And so, he did, his body almost shaking, joining you in riding it out. You pulled yourself up once you were done, pulling him up onto your chest, switching the previous position. As he rested his head in the crook of your neck, he sighed softly, his eyes falling closed. You stayed there for a few moments until you realized what time it was.

“Shit I gotta go!” You say in a hurry, grabbing you things, and making your way out into the bar.

Josh POV

As you catch your breath, you wondered why she had left so quickly. You buckled your belt, and got your things together. You didn’t have much, but everything you had was sentimental to you. Making your way out into the bar you were hit with the bustle of the crowd. Music was blasting as you made your way to the door. Rich, the bar manager, pulled you aside.

“Hey kid, there was a guy who wanted to speak with you tonight. He’s from some record label. Don’t get too excited.. but he’s coming down tomorrow to listen to you guys again. You better put on a good show; in other words, try not to be absolutely shitfaced on stage tomorrow.”

You nod your head. “Absolutely Rich; see yah tomorrow!”

You tried to act normal on your walk home. A record label agent wanted to hear you and your brothers play. This was what you had been waiting for. This may be your big break. You had had multiple labels turn you down before but this one seemed different.

You felt different. You couldn’t help thinking about Y/N . Why was she of all people on your mind? You were clearly just a hook-up to her. As you made your way into the apartment, Jake, Danny, and Sammy were sitting in the living room, drinking a beer and watching a movie. Sammy noticed you first.

“Aye, look, it's the man of the hour!”

“How was your first time hooking up with a groupie?” Danny chuckled

“Was it everything you ever wanted and more!” Jake added, sarcastically.

You knew they’d do this. You weren’t usually the one to have random hook ups. You caught feelings too quickly. Your brothers, on the other hand, they had fucked just about the entire city of Nashville between the three of them.

“Well she isn’t a groupie; it was her first time seeing us!” You shot back. The boys laughed at you trying to defend Y/N.

You quickly changed the subject.

“Rich caught me on my way out, said there was a record label agent who liked our sound and is coming back tomorrow to hear more of us! So I suggest you put down those beers. We really have to be on our A game tomorrow.”

A wave of silence overtook the room until Sammy spoke up.

“Not to be an asshole, Josh, but how do we know this guy will be different? I mean, we’ve had at least a dozen agents listen to us and not one has signed us. Do you think this time will be any different?”

“Sammy, maybe this’ll be our chance! Why are you all so negative?” You responded.

“Josh no offense but we are just being realistic . You know, not getting our hopes up to be let down like all the other times before.” Danny responds .

You knew you had been let down before but you could just feel that tomorrow would be different.

You gave up on trying to get the boys to be positive, and made your way into your bedroom. Laying down on your bed you stared at the ceiling, thinking about how you could make it big someday, and, of course, about her.

Why was your mind so fixed on her? You knew it would be a one night stand and you’d probably never see her again. But you couldn’t stop thinking about her. You wanted her again. You drifted asleep thinking about your future and what happened backstage tonight. Your time had finally come.The world was going to know the name Josh Kiszka sooner, rather than later.

Y/N POV

You barrelled out into the bar and practically ran towards Priyanka and Kyle.

“Where the fuck were you?” Priyanka asked

As you pondered how to answer, Kyle interrupted your thinking.

“Oh My FUCKING God! “ He said shocked

“You Fucked him! You fucked Josh! Oh My GOd Y/N!” He continued to yell at the top of his lungs.

You felt yourself blush as you tried to quiet him down.He pushed a drink towards you and sat on the barstool.

“Well you have to tell me everything. Josh doesn’t fuck just anyone he’s not a man whore like his brothers.” He sat waiting for your attention.

“I didn’t say I fucked him” you responded trying not to blush out if embarrassment.

“Oh you totally did, I can tell! You look well… happier.” He responded.

“Kyle let it go! She doesn’t have to tell you if she doesn’t want to?” Priyanka tried to make him back off, but it was no use. One thing you knew about Kyle was that if there was gossip, he would hear about it. You chuckled.

“Okay I’ll tell you, but we have to get out of here. How about pizza?” As your suggestion speaks to the stomachs of your friends. You three finished your drinks and walked over to the late night pizza shop next door. While eating the greasy pizza. you found yourself telling your friends all about your escapade backstage.

How much you liked him, and his….. performance. But you wondered if you would ever see him again. Once you finish your pizza you stumbled into an Uber and into your apartment. Tripping over unpacked boxes, you made your way towards your bed.

You collapsed into your bed, and stared at the ceiling thinking about josh and how tonight changed your life. You wanted to see him again but you knew you were just a hookup. He was an up and coming rockstar he probably fucked alot of other girls . You knew you meant nothing to him so you decided to not make it awkward and hide your feelings.

As you fell asleep you promised yourself that he was nothing to you and it was just a hookup. It was just the alcohol talking, he was just a guy, and it was just one night.

Josh POV

As you woke, you basically jumped out of bed. Excited for the day to come, you woke up earlier than usual.

You decided to check the clock: 9:30. You couldn’t remember the last time you woke up this early. You left your room to realize no one else was awake. You decided you were hungry, and so, you made your way to the local bagel shop and joined the line that was almost out the door.

As you looked at the menu you noticed someone familiar smiling at the barista who was giving them their caffeinated drink. Then it hit you.

SHIT. It was Y/N.

Do you go say hello? Do you ignore her? What do you do?

The extrovert in you decided you needed to go say hello. I mean you had your dick inside her not even twenty four hours ago the least you could do is say hello.

So, you grab your bagel and coffee and make your way to where she was sitting. She was sitting alone. Working on her laptop, she sat silently with her headphones on and she was oblivious to what was happening around her.

You reached out and tapped her on her shoulder. She jumped a little with your touch and turned around.

“Hey Y/N! How’s your morning?” You greeted her with a smile, quickly noticing that she didn’t look happy to see you.

“Oh. Hey Josh. I’m busy right now, can we talk later?” She responded, turning back to her computer.

“Uh… sure” you reply hesitantly

You pulled a pen from your bag, and scribbled a note on your receipt, before sliding it to her. She half smiled at you and shoved it in her pocket.

You couldn’t help but feel a little defeated. Why was she acting like this? Did last night mean nothing to her? In fairness, maybe it shouldn’t have meant anything to you either.

You exited the bagel shop into the busy streets of Nashville, trying to hide the tear that ran down your cheek. You made your way back to the apartment, now feeling a lot less optimistic than you were an hour ago.

By the time you made it home, the boys were all awake. You gave your bagel to Danny and Sam to split, due to having lost your appetite. Taking a single glance at your face, Jake could tell that something had upset you. Being twins, and as close as you were, you could basically communicate without talking. He broke the silence.

“Shit,it's the girl isn’t it?”

You nod your head.

“I warned you not to invite her backstage! You know you catch feelings too easily!”

You quietly responded, looking down towards the floor.

“I just thought that it would be different this time, I don’t know. ”

He sat you down, and gently placed a hand onto your shoulder.

“Dude, all girls who sleep with someone in a band are mostly girls who only do one night stands. Either keep away from girls at our gigs or start not catching feelings.”

#danny gvf #greta van fleet #jake gvf #josh gvf #sam gvf #gvf fanfiction #gvf #gvf smut #sam kiszka gvf #jake kiszka #josh kiszka

[farmerlarrry]

Orange Slices (Joel Miller x f!reader)

masterlist | chapter eight | chapter seven | read on ao3 | playlist

story summary: A story about finding companionship and love in the midst of chaos.

a/n: If there's any mistakes, I'll be updating over the course of the next few days. I worked on this for HOURS today and just wanted to get it posted. Also I'm sorry I suck a writing dialoged, I am trying to improve. I hope you enjoy! :)

word count: 6850

if you want to be notified when I post new chapters, follow @farmerlarrrylibrary and put on notifications! If you'd rather be tagged, just let me know.

Chapter Nine

The two of you stare at each other. You’re still stuck in your fit of rage type daze and Joel is focusing intently on you, a hint of concern is clear in his expression. He begins to slowly tap his fingers on his glass one by one, patiently waiting for you to say something in response. You’re thinking of what you should say, should you even tell him? Surely you couldn’t tell him the truth. No, no. That’s a crazy idea, you think.

“Yeah, you know,” You try to say coolly, but end up not sounding very convincing when you finally speak up. The anger and annoyance slips its way out of your mouth, pushing its way through your teeth with each word. You force yourself to swallow against the lump that has formed in your throat, starting to pick at the grain of the wooden bar top again. Joel is still staring at you. You can tell he is unamused, seeing right through your poor attempt to cover up how you’re really feeling. 

You tuck your bottom lip between your teeth, watching Joel in the corner of your eye as he brings his glass up to his lips, slowly drawing in the liquid before setting it back down. 

“I saw you over there with Nessa and her friends. Were they mean to you, or somethin’” His voice is smoother than usual. It takes you a moment to process what he said because you can barely hear him above all the talking and music.  

“No, I-” You shake your head abruptly, looking away from him completely and shakily drawing in some air. What should I say? How do I even justify the emotions I felt when they started talking about him? Telling anyone, especially him, would be a window right into what you’ve started feeling, something you haven't even begun to come to terms with or understand yourself. “I- I don’t know. It wasn’t about me , but…” 

You let your voice trail off, not knowing what else to say and bring your hand up to your forehead, cranking your neck toward Joel. His eyes dart off to the side before bringing them back to you, taking another slow and long sip of his drink. 

“They say somethin’ about me to you?” He says without any fluctuations in his tone, as if it was the most normal thing he has ever said. The way you look at him must have given away the answer because he slowly nods his head, looking past you and narrowing his eyes at them. You turn your head and see the crowd parted in such a way that Nessa and her friends have a clear line of sight of both you and Joel. You immediately notice the redness of both Heather and Aimee’s faces who are whispering back and forth to each other, laughing and pointing in your direction. Nessa must have said something to them, perhaps scolding them, because they quickly drop their smiles and round their posture. You and Nessa make eye contact. She looks remorseful, her eyes hold a certain sadness in them. 

“Is that really what’s got you bothered?” The sound of his voice makes you turn back to him. He scoots his barstool closer to you, your arms brushing up against each other. Your heart begins to beat deeply as you feel his warmth radiate off of his skin onto yours. “Not the first time they’ve done it. I hear what they say when I walk past ‘em.” 

You don’t say anything, focusing on slowing the beat of your heart. You quickly flick your tongue over your lips.

Joel nudges your arm, leaning in closer to you so you can hear him over all the other noise. This isn’t going to help, you think, your heart thumping again.

“Hey,” He says softly in a genuine tone. “If it doesn’t bother me… don’t let it bother you, okay?” 

You can feel a calmness come over yourself as he speaks, the tightness in your chest from early quickly dissipates. You give him a shy smile and a single nod. Joel retracts his body and adverts his gaze to his glass that is now cradled between both of his palms. 

“They’re just bored, nothin’ else to their lives other than community duties, gossiping, and getting shit face drunk a few times a week. Especially that one with blonde hair.” He gestures toward Heather by jutting out his chin and staring at her with dead eyes. “She is just about as desperate and petty as one can get.” 

You let out a small laugh, his comment slightly catching you off guard. Joel reacts to your laughter with a hint of a smile, one that slowly fades.

“She’s all talk, no bite.” He sucks in some air through his teeth before cocking his head toward you, bringing his brows together. “Anyway, not sure why you care about an old man’s feelings.”

There’s a sense of hesitation in his voice as he speaks. You give him a puzzled look. 

“You’re not that old, I mean…” You lightly tap on his forearm with the back of your hand, causing him to look at you. His lips are slightly parted and the intense look in his eyes causes your heart to skip a beat. You completely forget what you were going to say.

“Hm?” Joel leans in closer once again, directing one of his ears to you. 

“What?” You quickly let out. “You aren’t old, that’s all.” 

He pulls back, sitting up straighter than before, slowly nodding his head with a smirk. You let out the air you had been holding on to just as Joel goes back to tapping his glass with the pads of his fingers, staring straight ahead of him at the wall behind the bar. Metal signs are nailed to the wall. The one hanging directly in front of you is severely rusted and says: ‘Happy Hour Club! All Hours Of The Night (And Day!).

“You want something to drink?” Joel asks, raising his hand for the person working the bar to come over. The bartender nods her head, putting up one finger to let him know she’ll be over in a moment. 

“ No, I’m fine,” You drag out the first word. Right now is definitely not the time to drink, not while your stomach is still in knots.

He looks at you with a softened gaze before lightly slapping the top of the table and pointing at you.

“That’s right, you don’t drink because of…” His eyes shift up as he thinks. “Because of… something that happened before , yeah?” 

“Correct,” You give him a shy smile. He remembers, you think.

“Speaking of that, you know Nessa from before as well? I saw the reunion on that first day.” Joel follows up with.

“Didn’t everyone,” You slightly cringe at the thought of everyone watching you, Joel lets out a small laugh. “But, yes, she was… is my best friend. We went to school together, and were practically inseparable.” 

“That’s gotta be some sort of fate, or something,,” His tone is dry, borderline monotonous. 

Joel goes to say something else, but the bartender comes up just as he’s about to speak. He orders another glass of whatever he’s already drinking, asking the worker to pour a little bit more when she goes to hand it to him. You see her grudgingly smile, turning around and pouring the tiniest bit more. Thanks, Joel responds sounding slightly embarrassed by his request. 

“I saw you coming back from outside the walls the other day. Nessa told me you help with doing patrols, that’s pretty cool.” You slide your chair a little bit closer to him, the two of you are now nearly shoulder to shoulder. “It must be nice to get out of here sometimes.” 

He narrows his eyes at you, concentrating on what you’re saying as he takes another sip.

“It’s alright, it can be dangerous, though most of the time it’s okay, sometimes boring. But, yeah, I guess it’s nice to get out,” Joel responds, talking slowly and ending his sentence with a slight nod.

“Dangerous?” You shoot back almost instantly, looking at Joel with wide eyes.

“It can be dangerous,” He emphasizes his words. “There used to be a group on the other side of the dam, they’d stir up trouble every once in a while, but they haven’t given Jackson any problems recently. Who knows if they’re still even there.” 

There’s a long pause before he continues, as if he’s contemplating something. He looks at you hesitantly.

“What?” You ask curiously, wanting to know what’s on his mind.

“Would you want to come with me? Tommy used to go with me, but he’s busy with Maria, and with his leg…. We’re supposed to go out in pairs anyway, for safety.”

You perk up at his offer, straightening your slouched shoulders. You can feel the corners of your mouth slightly turn upward. Joel is darting his eyes over the different parts of your face, anticipating an answer.

“Tomorrow?” You finally say with a smile. He flashes you a quick smile before turning his focus ahead of him.

“I’ll stop by your house in the morning then,” Joel says. 

-

Shortly after Joel leaves, you decide it time to head on home as well. Joel told you that he likes to get out decently early and you want to be sure you get a good night's rest. Originally, you thought about going back over to Nessa and her friends now that you feel better after talking with Joel, but couldn’t stomach the thought of the type of ridicule you may face from Aimee and Heather. Fuck ‘em, you think. 

As you begin to push open the front door, you hear your name faintly being called. Turning around, Nessa is trying to squeeze her way between a large group of people, waving her hand up in the air to flag you down. You subtly roll your eyes, still annoyed by her comment she made. As she catches up to you, you hold open the door for her and she follows you outside. She’s carrying a regretful expression with her. 

“I honestly expected this night to go completely different,” She gushes as the door comes to a close, you remain silent. “I’m so sorry about that back there. They were just joking, I swear.”

“And what you said? Was that just a joke too?” You snap back, placing your hands on your hips. Nessa apologetically smiles.

“Listen, I obviously don’t know everything that happened out there, if you two–”

“It’s not like that,” You firmly cut her off. She looks at you with wide eyes, shocked at your harshness. You can see her throat bob as she forces herself to swallow; she nods and continues.

“ I’m sorry. Joel is just… he’s not that great of a guy, okay? He’s hurt Tommy more times than I can count, and that’s just since we’ve been together. On top of that, what other people have said… he’s just kind of a loner, there’s something off about him. Drinking by himself, going off in his own, leavin’ and comin’ back…” She continues as you walk down the steps, heading in the direction of your house. She’s trailing behind you, desperately trying to catch up. 

“Is that a crime? Because he keeps to himself? I don’t get it.” You call back to her without turning around, causing the random groups of people lingering outside to look in your direction. The unwanted attention doesn’t faze you though. “If people were as shitty to me as Heather and Aimee and whatever the fuck the other guy’s name is to Joel… I’d keep to myself too.” 

Nessa lets out a huff of air, causing you to turn on your heel and face her. She looks flustered. Your chest is rising and falling quickly as you breathe, a mixture of frustration and anger rushing its way through your veins. 

“ His name is Drew, ” She says under her breath. “Maybe you got a different side of Joel, I don’t know. But… Can we just drop this? I told the others to not talk about it anymore.”

She crosses her arms, the string lights hanging above illuminates her face and you can tell her cheeks are flushed a deep red color. Something that only happens when she is deeply bothered by something. A part of you doesn’t want to drop it. You stare at her expressionlessly as you contemplate, she’s staring right back at you with pleading eyes.

You reluctantly nod, chewing on the inner flesh of your left cheek, trying not to push the matter any farther. The two of you walk back to your house in silence.

-

The following morning, a knock at the front door wakes you up. The strong aroma of coffee instantly overwhelms your senses. You let out a low groan, taking the pillow you were hugging and covering your face with it. Don’t worry about it, I can get it, you faintly hear Nessa call out from the kitchen in your still half asleep state. Who could be coming over at this hour? She follows up with. Removing the pillow from your face, you shoot up from the ground into a sitting position,  remembering your plans with Joel. You turn your head as she opens the door, and before you can say anything, you see the dismay on her face when she realizes who it is.

“Hey, Nessa,” Joel greets her equally as surprised. 

“ Joel, ” She responds. “What can I help you with?” 

You pull yourself up from the ground, walking around the couch and coming up from behind Nessa. Joel looks nervous. He shifts his eyes to you, causing Nessa to turn and look at you with a condescending expression. She steps out of the way, letting you take her spot. The three of you stand at the entrance awkwardly. 

“I’m here for her,” He gestures his hand towards you, his tone sounding uptight. Nessa shoots you a look of disapproval and disappointment, making you want to immediately disappear. She purses her lips as she places her hands on her hips. So much for dropping it, right Ness? You think to yourself as you look between the two of them.

“ Uh, yeah. Joel offered to take me on his patrol today,” Your voice comes out shaky. A nervousness rises in your belly, like you’re telling your mother you’re hanging out with a boy for the first time.

“ Hm, ” She simply lets out and returns to the kitchen.

You take a moment to collect your thoughts before turning to Joel, widening the door for him. 

“I’m so sorry,” You say as you step aside. “Come in, I just need to change, I’ll only be a few minutes.” 

Joels hesitantly enters. You see him look around, first to the living room and then to the kitchen, taking everything in. 

You glance over to Nessa before heading up the stairs. As you jog up the steps, you hear someone trailing behind you. A quick look over your shoulder confirms who you would assume it to be — Nessa. You enter the master bedroom that still remains to be untouched except for when you need to shower or change your clothes. Silence follows the sound of the door shutting behind you.

“What is it?” Your annoyance slips its way into your tone, you turn around to be met by a disapproving Nessa. You take a seat on the edge of the bed, rubbing your sweaty palms over your thigh. Nessa begins to shake her head before she even begins to speak.

“ So,” She starts, raising her eyebrows. “It’s not like that?”

She looks betrayed. 

“It’s not,” You respond sharply. Nessa scoffs in response, looking off to the opposite side of the room and begins to pace in front of you. 

“I don't know what else to tell you to get you to listen to me…” She slightly raises her voice, you can feel your muscles tense up.

“I don’t need you to parent me, Nessa. I can make my own choices,” Your heart is beating fast. Confrontation has never been your strong suit, especially not with Nessa. 

“Fine, whatever. But I’m going to warn you one more time. Don’t get attached to Joel. He’s not the type to stick around and I don’t want to see you get hurt. I’m just trying to be a good friend,” Hearing that makes your heart sting, a part of you knows she’s telling you this because she cares about you. But another part of you, the part that you cannot explain, is telling you to not listen to her. 

“Okay,” is all you can muster up. You get up from the bed, walking past Nessa over to the small white dresser and begin to dig through the drawers, grabbing a clean set of clothes. 

She doesn’t say anything back. The sound of the door closing once again alerts you of her departure. Looking over your shoulder to where she once was standing, you let out a deep sigh. 

-

When you get downstairs, Joel is sitting at the dining table; he looks relaxed. His legs are outstretched and he is leaning back in the chair with his eyes closed and arms crossed. Nessa is nowhere to be found, and you aren’t surprised by that considering what just went down upstairs. You stop at the bottom of the stairs, just to look at Joel for a few moments longer. You’re in awe. The calmness in his face, the way his chest slightly rises and falls as he breathes, the tautness of the sleeve over his biceps. Suddenly, he lifts his head, his eyes quickly flutter open. When he sees you, he clears his throat and straightens up. 

“Nessa left after she came down,” Joel stands up, tucking the chair back into the table and retrieving his backpack from the floor. “ Uh, yeah, she doesn’t like me very much, but I’m sure she’s told you.”

He says the last part quietly. You give him a sympathetic smile as he straightens out one of the backpack straps. Oh boy did she make it apparent, you think.

“I don’t know what she told you, but–” He continues with a wary tone.

“She just told me that she needs to get back to Tommy… check up on him and stuff,” You cut him off. Again, he very obviously sees through your lie, but you continue before he can say anything. “She’s been spending so much time with me, I feel bad for taking her attention away from him. You want a cup of coffee before we head out?” 

You turn away from him and head toward the stove. Nessa must have put it on with the intention of you and her sharing the pot. Part of you now feels bad that you didn’t tell her you’d be going out for the morning.

“One shouldn’t hurt,” He says, dropping his bag back onto the ground. You look over your shoulder at him, flashing a short lived smile. 

You have to open a few cabinets up before locating the coffee mugs. After pulling two matching blue, speckled mugs out and setting them on the countertop, you wipe them out with a small rag in case any dust had settled in the bottoms. As you go to retrieve the steel coffee pot from the base of the stove, the overwhelming sense of Joel watching you causes butterflies to form deep in your stomach. In turn your movements suddenly become awkward and clumsy. 

You feel a presence come up next to you; the same warmth you felt last night radiating onto your bare arms. Glancing off to your side, Joel is now only a few feet away from you, extending his hand out towards one of the cabinets. You follow his hand with your eyes.

“You hung it up,” He’s now leaning his hip against the smooth edge of the countertop, thumbing at one of the torn edges of the poem you found at the factory. You suck in some air as you shakily pour some coffee into the first mug. When you look up, he’s staring at you with intense eyes, his arms are crossed and the light is hitting his face in such a way that makes your heart flutter. 

“I did,” You shortly say, sliding the full mug toward him. He mutters a small thanks under his breath, blowing on the steaming beverage before cautiously taking a tiny sip. “I like it, I guess I sort of resonate with it. New beginnings and what not. I don’t know, I'd like to know how it ends though.” 

When you look up from pouring your own mug full, Joel is looking down at his feet, you notice his eyebrows are furrowed. 

-

“You know how to ride a horse?” Joel grunts as he lifts up the saddle to place on the back of the horse. You’re leaning up against the stable door watching him. The morning air is cool and damp, dense gray clouds quickly came in and it began to drizzle not too long after the two of you embarked from your house to the stables.

“Yeah, I learned at school,” You respond, walking up to the horse and running your hand around its snout. It pushed into your touch, making you smile. “What’s their name?” 

“School? What kind of school did you go to?” Joel sounds shocked, stopping what he’s doing to look at you, his face twisting in confusion. His expression makes you chuckle. You drag in some air before responding, debating on how much you’re willing to tell him. 

“Boarding school,” You finally say before narrowing your eyes and letting go of your breath in a huff. “Long story.” 

“Hm,” Joel initially hums. “Her name is Lucky.”

Lucky.

While Joel finishes suiting up the horses, you wander outside in front of the stable, eventually taking a seat on a damp rock under a tree. The occasional rain drop slipping through the leaves, dropping on the base of your head. As you stare out into the community in the distance, you can’t help but think about your disagreement with Nessa. A sadness overcomes you. This isn’t how things were supposed to be, you think while rolling a rock around in your hand.

“You ready?” Joel asks, emerging from the stable with Lucky trotting behind him. You push your upsetting thoughts to the back of your mind as you stand up from your spot on the rock, a bit of excitement taking its place as Joel hands you the guiding reins. 

Putting your left foot into the first stirrup, you push off the ground with your other leg with all your might. You get about half way up, attempting to throw your leg over to the other side of the saddle, however you fail to pull yourself upright. Letting out a small frustrated groan, you try again, feeling slightly embarrassed. The same thing happens and you fail to pull yourself up. You suddenly hear Joel laughing as he comes out from the stable, already on top of his horse. You meet him with an annoyed glare, narrowing your eyes at him, but quickly exchange it for a quivering smile. 

“What?” You try to straighten out your smile. He slides off of his horse and walks towards you. “Are you laughing at me, Joel Miller?” 

“Let me help you,” He says, still slightly smiling. 

For a moment you think about playfully refusing, however you ultimately decide not to and just move off to the side to allow him to position himself. Joel bends down on one knee and laces his fingers together, just as he did before to boost you through the window at the factory. Steadying yourself by placing one hand on his shoulder and the other flat against the top of the saddle, you put your heel in the center where his hands meet. One, two, three, he says under his breath, pushing you up on three. You get to the same stage as when you previously attempted to get up by yourself, nearly sliding back off the side. Joel quickly gets up, grabbing the back of one of your thighs and pushing you the rest of the way up. An electric volt shoots down your spine, and there goes your heart again; beating as fast as ever. Just as the two of you lock eyes, the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and Joel slowly drops his hand, clearing his throat in the process and looking off into the opposite direction of you. 

“Thanks,” You breathily say, dropping your head and grabbing onto the reins. He pats the side of the horse, responding with a barely audible mhm. You steadily watch Joel as he mounts his horse and notice him glance back at you before urging his horse to move onward.

-

When you first set out past the gates, neither of you talk much. The extent of the conversation is Joel telling you where the two of you are heading. At the start, he stays quite a considerable distance ahead of you before realizing how much distance he unintentionally put between the two of you and urgently slows down, letting you come up on his side. He doesn't say anything, just giving you a look of acknowledgement before focusing on the land ahead. You don’t know what to say to him, or even if you should say anything to him. You’re still stuck on the way his hand felt around the back of your thigh, unable to focus on anything else.

In the distance, you notice what appears to be another barn type structure. It’s much smaller than the one inside the community and is considerably more worn down. One side of the roof has completely collapsed inward.

“It’s easier if we leave the horses in there and walk the rest of the way and then circling back,” Joel breaks the silence, the sudden sound of his voice causing your stomach to jump. You acknowledge him with a nod. He turns his head so he’s looking directly at you, looking like he wants to say something. He wets his lips before continuing. “Are you from Texas?” 

“No, just went to school there,” You reply, trying to figure a way to navigate the conversation from before without actually opening up about it.

“And where you learned how to ride a horse, but not how to mount one?” 

“Hey, what the fuck?” You shoot him an offended look accompanied by a boisterous laugh. Joel shrugs, licking his lips in an attempt to hide his smile. “Let me guess where you’re from…” 

“I’m from Texas,” Joel says, hopping down from his horse. You roll your eyes at him.

“And where's the fun in guessing if you’re just going to tell me,” You say in one complete breath, acting as though you’re offended. Joel walks over to you and Lucky.

“Tommy already told you. Do you need help getting down?” He sounds focused, boarding serious now. Without saying anything, you swing one leg over and hop down. 

“You’re no fun,” You shake your head, kicking at the moistened gravel.

“You’re just now figuring that out?” Joel shoots back, his tone lighter than before. 

-

“So, where did we leave off?” Joel is holding an overgrown bush back to clear a path for you to walk through. “So, your school was in Texas where’d you call home?”

You can feel the blood drain from your face as soon as the word home comes out of his mouth.

“Home … um, well I guess Texas became home after a while,” You keep your head down, watching the ground as you walk past him. Your mouth is dry and you can feel your tongue sticking to the roof of your mouth. “I never really left the school grounds, so. ”

“I-I’m,” Joel began to stumble over his words. He lets you pass in front of him. 

“Tommy said you guys worked together before this.” The only thing you can think to do is change the subject, your mind now feeling heavy. A distant memory of your actual home trying to push to the forefront of your mind. 

“ Shit,” Joel mutters quietly to himself, coming up behind you. “Yeah, we did construction and contracting stuff, at least when he would show up. It wasn’t a bad gig, paid the bills, you know? By the way, the dam isn’t much farther, I just need to check the control buildings, make sure everything is still okay since the last time the guards checked them.” 

His voice carries a softness as he speaks. You don’t say anything in response. The two of you walk side by side, you keep your eyes fixed on the ground.

On your way up to the dam, Joel explains how patrol typically works. There's several groups of guards that get rotated around to different checkpoints on the outer perimeter of the community. The dam gets checked at least once a week, the fencing gets checked daily, there’s some old hunting sheds farther out that are supposed to be checked periodically, however Joel said he’s positive he is the only one who actually checks them out. He went on and on about the different parts of patrolling, but you eventually tune him out, already preoccupied by your own thoughts.

When you reach the dam, your feet are tired and your knees feel numb as your body has already become unaccustomed to walking such rigorous terrains. Joel leaves you at the first control building, stating it would be safer if you stayed back, just in case, in his words. In the meantime, while waiting for his return, you try your best to regain mental equilibrium. Trying to shake the feeling that has remained since home was brought up. It’s a simple question that you know you should be able to talk about, but you have a much more complex relationship with that topic than you think most would be able to understand, even in today’s world. 

Joel returns after a half an hour. You’d be lying if you didn’t admit  you were starting to get worried. Seeing him come up out of the fog in the distance was a relief for you, and you almost nearly completely forgot how you felt when you first arrived. 

“Sorry, that took longer than I expected,” He calls out as you meet him in the middle. Before you can say anything, he walks past you, continuing to cross the dam to the other side. 

-

“What kind of stuff were you into?” You question him, racking your brain for normal questions to ask while you guys walk to whatever the next destination is. Joel lets out a huff of air, taking your question in.

“As in hobbies?” He says slowly, steadying himself on a tree as he passes through a narrow spot on the path. You give him a confirmative nod. “Honestly, not much. I watched movies when I had the time, I used to play guitar in my younger years, but as I got older… I got too busy.”

“With Tommy?” You turn to look at him and see his jaw tighten. He gives you a curt nod.

“Yes, with Tommy and all of his bullshit ,” His voice sounds much darker now. “Your house looks nice, by the way.”

“Thanks, I just got done going through everything inside. It was weird going through other people’s stuff, but, you know,” You confess to him. 

“It’ll take some time, but before you know it, it will feel like home,” He responds in a low tone.

“Maybe,” You say, not convinced anywhere will ever feel like home again. “Did you and Tommy live together before everything? From what he told me, it seemed like you guys have always been really close.”

“No,” Joel shook his head. “He usually spent the night in jail, or he’d stay with whoever he was fu– whoever his girlfriend was at the time.”

“Then you lived alone? Or did you have someone else?” You could hear Joel choke on air, resulting in a quick draw of air. You turn around, thinking something must have happened, maybe he tripped, only to find him in a standstill, both of his hands on his hips, and his face stained red. I just fucked up, you think while starting to panic. “That was stupid to ask, I’m… so- sorry.”

He’s biting down hard on his lip, his chest rapidly rising and falling. It was nearly silent, the only sound was the rustling of the leaves in the slight breeze that took over the rain. You drop your head, reprimanding yourself for not taking a moment to think before you spoke. As you’re staring down at your feet, not knowing what to do, Joel rushes past you. He’s walking fast and you immediately begin to follow behind him keeping your distance and your head down.

The rest of the morning is completed in complete silence, a thick tension lingers between the two of you. You feel awful about bringing up an obviously sore subject, but part of you is curious about his past, how it affects who he is and how he acts. Nessa’s voice suddenly appears in your head, he’s just kind of a loner, there’s something off about him. Drinking by himself, going off on his own, leavin’ and comin’ back… Why is he always running away from Tommy? Why does he always want to be alone? Surely you can’t forget the way he treated you when you first met. You can’t stop your mind from wandering while Joel does his patrol duties. 

Before you know it, you’re already circling back to the barn where you left your horses a few hours earlier. You’ve been so stuck in your own thoughts, you haven’t even realized how much time has passed. 

As you approach the worn down structure, you grab Joel by the wrist, immediately stopping him in his tracks. He doesnt pull away but you feel the tendons in his wrist tighten as he balls his hand into a fist. You pull him back towards you and he doesn’t resist. Before you say anything, you try to get him to look at you, but he’s actively avoiding your gaze. Hooking your finger under his chin, you turn his head towards you, he flinches under your touch, tightening his jaw. Joel relaxes his hand and finally turns to look at you. His eyes are full of sadness.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked, I- just for a moment, I don’t know, Joel.” Your tone becomes quieter as you talk. There’s no excuse as to why you asked, it just came out, you weren’t thinking. As you let his wrist slip out of your gasp, he gently grabs your fingers, lightly holding them in his grasp, and he’s rubbing the cold pad of his thumb over your knuckles. You can hear his shallow breathing, and you look up at him with wide eyes, your heart beginning to deeply beat. 

“It’s fine,” He finally says in a whisper, his eyes melting into yours. “It’s just something I can’t – I don’t want to talk about.” 

The two of you stand across from each other, the air is still and everything around you is quiet. Joel returns to actively avoiding looking at you, however remains softly running his thumb over your knuckles. 

“Let’s get you back, I’m sure Nessa’s waiting for you,” He finally says, letting your hand slip out of his.

-

When the two of you reach your porch, neither of you say anything. You don’t quite know what to say, a feeling of tenderness and embarrassment lingers from earlier. Joel brings his hand up to his chin, rubbing it like he’s trying to think of something to say. His eyes are glued to the ground. 

“So, tomorrow?” Joel finally says, clicking his tongue at the end. He’s looking at you inquisitively. 

You’re slightly caught off guard. After your slip up earlier you were afraid he might have completely written you off, never to speak or look at you ever again. 

“Tomorrow,” You confirm with a single nod. A sense of relief overcomes you and you have to force yourself to not smile.

“Okay, good,” He says, taking a step backward. “I’ll stop by in the morning. Have a good… rest of your day.”

Joel slightly smiles before turning away. You watch him as he walks down the pathway leading away from your house. He brings his hand up to the back of his neck before giving a quick look back to you, to which you turn away, not wanting him to catch you, and enter your house. Upon entering, you quickly close your front door and stand with your back against it; you can’t help but smile, this time you don’t try to hide it. This peace and contentment. It’s new.

It’s barely the evening, you aren’t sure what to do with what’s left of the day. You’re not sure you even want to do anything, not after spending your morning with Joel. How is anything going to top that, you shamelessly think. Taking a seat on your couch, you tilt your head back, now staring at the plain ceiling. You let your mind wander, the only thing you can think about is Joel. The sense of calmness he brings you, the way you melt under his touch, the way he looks at you. What are you going to do about him? Nessa’s suspicions were right, you just didn’t want to admit it because you knew she was right about getting close to him. You know that out of anyone, Joel should probably be the last person you want to get involved with, but you can’t stop. Not now. You feel like everything that you’ve developed for him was not of your own doing, it was something deep down inside of you, it just sort of happened, slowly but suddenly. This past week, when you weren’t within his proximity, you thought you had it under control, that you could stop yourself from thinking certain things, and feeling a certain type of way towards him. All of that went away as soon as he talked to you, scratch that, as soon as he looked at you last night. 

You suddenly get up and jog upstairs, going into one of the kids’ rooms you swore you would never enter ever again after you initially went through it. Rummaging through the desk, you’re looking for something very specific; something to write on and something to write with . 

After going through several of the drawers, you finally come across a notebook, it looks like it had previously been used for school, but that doesn’t even register with you in the moment. After a little more rummaging you finally find a stubby pencil. Your head is racing with thoughts as you run down the stairs, planting a spot at the dining table. Flipping over to a blank page, you begin to write:

I feel like there’s no point in telling anyone anything that’s happening inside of me, particularly this one thing. Who knows, maybe a year down the line I’ll look back at this and laugh at myself, but for right now, what I’m about to confess is very real. I don’t know exactly when or how it started, but I’ve come to a realization and I’m truly conflicted on what's right and what’s wrong. It happened so suddenly, before I even realized it happened. Now, I’m afraid it might be too late. The first time Joel looked at me, it felt like everything was burning around us. For a split moment, Tommy wasn’t there; it was just him and I. Now, every time I think of him, it's with the uneasiest tenderness. If I’m being completely honest, it scares me. I’ve been asking myself, how could I have let this happen? Not only with how the world is, but with who he is as a person. A complex man. I don’t know how to explain it but everything is easy when I’m with him. It’s like suddenly everything becomes quiet. I might sound insane, I haven’t known him very long, I can’t formulate any explanation that would make this make sense. I supposed at this point it's pointless to even try to pretend that what I’m feeling isn’t real.

You take a final look at the page, letting out a deep sigh; you feel as though a weight has been taken off your shoulders. You get up out of your chair, looking out the window toward his house at the end of the street. As you place the notebook in the far back of one of the kitchen drawers, you can’t help but to think more about your confession. You fully become aware that no matter what you do, at this point you are already too far gone.

read chapter ten here!

painting divider | credit: @cottage-writings

#farmerlarrry #joel miller #joel miller angst #joel miller fanfic #joel miller fic #joel miller x fem!reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you

[peterrrei]

i've been listening to your charmuro playlist a lot (i follow you on twitter lol, idk if you posted it here) and i was wondering if you'd want to elaborate on any of your choices...all the sad young men is one that caught me off guard but also makes so much sense to me

hi there! sorry for the very late reply! but oh my god. thank you for sending me this ask because it gave me enough motivation to write down some notes about my playlist and order it a bit because — its a lot LOL

first of all i would like to mention that yes, it’s a charmuro playlist, but you cannot take lalah out of charmuro ♡ so i’ve added songs that somehow fit her point of view, or hint at her presence. i love lalah so much and it makes me sad when people take her out of char and amuro’s relationship or minimize the impact that she had on both of them. (but don’t ask me to define whatever those three had going on because i don’t know. it’s vague. vague is okay in my mind but i would love to make people see my vision. in a few years i will maybe find the words to describe it)

ANYWAY THE PLAYLIST! i’m sorting it in a kind of chronological way, but it gets vague and blurry sometimes because i also think it’s important for a playlist to flow well (and to have songs that i actually like listening to! and it vagueness works for gundam....)

some examples:

∙ 1979 by the smashing pumpkins this song is really great because it truly is an anthem of a new young generation, which is a focal point of gundam! the pain and angst and comfort of late teenagehood/early adulthood ♡

On a live wire right up off the street You and I should meet <-( a jolt of electricity is the kind of feeling i can imagine newtypes feel when they connect with each other) June bug skipping like a stone With the headlights pointed at the dawn We were sure we'd never see an end to it all <- buggy stuck in the mud scene my beloved ♡

∙ familiar feeling by moloko i wasn’t even looking for charmuro coded songs when i found this band! but my delusional heart can see charmuro where the normal person can’t <3 anyway this is definitely a zeta song. i have in illustration in mind for the charmuro zine i’m very slowly drawing/writing that is completely based off their reunion in zeta and this song.

Nothing can come close Nothing can come close Nothing can come close

I never doubted it What's for you will not pass you by I never questioned it It was decided before I asked why It's all there ever was And it's all there ever will be How could you have questioned us? It's yourself you deceive

Nothing can come close To this familiar feeling We say it all without Ever speaking

god this song is so so so perfect and really encapsulates the hings about gundam that i love: vagueness, intense human emotions, sharing these emotions, identity and masked identity, love. perfection

Hush now No need to say the words At first sight you perfectly heard Love in all its entirety Is no less than we deserve I saw, your face Some place I felt this feeling before Is it deja vu? Do I somehow know you? <- this this this! adrenaline still filling the air after battle, amuro sits on the mechanical hand of a Gundam. he hasn’t seen one in over eight years. he has called for him before even realizing he opened his mouth to speak. char. amuro. who are you? do i know you? what is this feeling? have i felt this before?

∙ all the sad young men by spector you said it caught you off guard but it makes sense and i agree! i had the same thought process. it’s a song ive listened to many many times but it occurred to me that it fits charmuro only recently! well-- maybe it’s more of a generic gundam feeling. i am also working on a “generic gundam feelings” playlist.. it’s still private though. it’s called anime ja nai :’)

And no, nothing ever really started with a kiss &lt;- YEAH

I don't wanna make love I don't wanna make plans I don't want anyone to wanna hold my hand <- i don’t know if this makes me think more of char or amuro. and because of that it’s perfect

It begins in the places that we leave behind Every year that goes by a little less future on our minds These girls like to pretend they can't feel anything anymore (...........gundam women..........) Boys break like promises, but only behind closed doors (gundam men.......................)

∙ raise me up by hercules and love affair including an explanation of why i think this song is charmuro is difficult. it just is to me. just like truefalse/fakereal by the same band

My secret love Keeps me awake at night My secret love of the man My secret fight They put you down They pushed your face down They fucked you aver and around You kissed the ground You're the one I waited for your return I slept with rocks I slept with stones Stone was my home Energy Life danced right out of me When my father busted you free He also killed me <- kinda makes me think of zeon daikun dooming amuro ray to have an intense yaoi thing with his son. lol Oh raise me up To dance upon your head Oh raise me up To dance in the holes of your head <- !! Oh raise me up To dance in the cavities of Your eyes <- and this!!!!! i need more of this!!!!!!

∙ a beginner’s guide to destroying the moon by foster the people this song was suggested to me by my discover weekly and the lyrics instantly made me think of char and amuro. cca feelings

I can't blame you I can't save you But I will try for you and I For you and I, I won't find out All the dirty little things that you've done But I will try For you and I, I will breathe in All the truth I can stomach If it keeps you alive <-amuro (I would break you Before I let you fall into the blind For you and I) <- char We've changed the dreamers and the Preachers and the wise men on the hill To concrete stepping smilers terrified to lose their power and control We've been crying for a leader to speak like the old prophets The blood of the forgotten wasn't Spilled without a purpose, or was it? And now, I'm staring at the moon Wondering why the bottom fell out

and again:

To smash the wall of apathy Stop your self-importance And lift the weight off somebody else Yeah, you'll never be whole Yeah, you'll never be whole Until you lose control <- this is directed at both of them

∙ i might be wrong by radiohead major cca charmulalah feelings here...

I might be wrong I could have sworn I saw a light coming on I used to think There was no future left at all I used to think <- char (Open up, begin again Let's go down the waterfall Think about the good times and never look back Never look back) <- lalah What would I do? <- char What would I do? <- amuro If I did not have you? <- ooooooh yes! your lives were irreparably changed the day char stepped on side 7 in 0079 ∙ bleed by george clanton charmuro in its messiness, ugliness and intensity. i absolutely love the progression in the song. starting slow until it builds up to the explosion of kaleidoscopic sounds (that is not a proper way to describe a sound right? but i wouldn’t describe it any other way <3)

Someone else can make you happy Someone else can show you a good time A good time Someone else can say "I'm Sorry" Someone else can fight and tell you lies But not like I do Not like me Someone else can bite until you bleed Make you bleed Not like I do Not like me

∙ the man who sold the world (sung by midge ure. i just like that version better, sounds so ethereal. plus im a metal gear fan lmao) this song really evokes the change between masks char went through. amuro — there to see them all

Although I wasn't there He said I was his friend Which came as a surprise I spoke into his eyes I thought you died alone A long long time ago

Oh no, not me We never lost control You're face to face With the man who sold the world

(I gazed a gazely stare We walked a million hills I must have died alone A long, long time ago)

∙ day by bill callahan this is maybe one of the cheesiest songs in the playlist but i just love it so much. and. i mean. what is gundam without cheesiness? to me this songs feels a lot like a conversation between cca char and amuro. the kind of disdain towards the humanity that has reduced earth to such a wasteland planet vs the hope that humanity is indeed good and we must strive toward the light, even though it is so hard

Some people are a sickness on this land They're killing, they're taking They're stealing whatever they can Anything, anything, anything That is not bolted down Your life, your money, your heart, your faith, your bike

and then again:

Some would ask What are we to do With a world that crumbles to the touch? A world that spins and dies where it stands Like trying ain't enough?

but listen to me:

To family is all you can do And strive toward the light It's as dark as night Strive toward the light I know it's as dark as night I know it's as dark as night

It is day though

∙ la vita fa schifo by le feste antonacci umm haha italian moment. this playlist should have more italian moments and i am working on that. anyway the lyrics to this song is just life sucks life sucks life sucks life suckssss in various dramatic intonations. life did kinda suck for char and amuro right? lmao. i am the kinda person that says oh well la vita fa schifo over the smallest problems. i just thought it would be funny to think about char and amuro dying and both being like. well. la vita fa schifo. what the fuck was everyone’s problem.

∙ l’amour toujours by gigi d’agostino NOW HEAR ME OUT. this started as a meme between me and my partner. of putting this song over the credits of very dramatic movies. it’s because it was the credit song of uncut gems, it really stunned us the first time we finished that movie bc we joke about that song so much, it’s basically italy’s national anthem. so we joked about char’s counterattack ending and instead of beyond the time, l’amour toujours starts playing. po poporopo poporopo po poro po po poroporopo. but then also— you know what? the lyrics fits charmuro too. LMAO (delusional) I still believe in your eyes I just don't care what you have done in your life Baby, I'll always be here by your side Don't leave me waiting too long, Please come byI still believe in your eyes There is no choice, I belong to your life Because I will live to love you someday You'll be my baby and we'll fly away And I'll fly with you, I'll fly with you, I'll fly with you

basically the credits song of my playlist :')

um okay haha! i think i will stop for now bc this is a lot... thank you again for this ask!

#asks #i tried to color code some songs lines to make it more clear but tumblr editor suuuuuucks ass sorry OTL

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 9/13/2022

even though it is very clearly not a friday i still have a fondness for the thirteenth of each month. VERY long making section

listening Bark Like A God by Sloppy Jane. this is what i can only call "sludgy". it sounds like bruised knees and thumbprints on your hips. it sounds like if a VFW basement bar was also a strip club. this sounds like doing your best in an environment that's a mixture of flickering fluorescents and incandescent tubes that haven't burnt out yet, and a drop ceiling that's mostly water stains.

Do you believe in Frankenstein? Dressed up, half-dead, and feelin' fine He looks so sick, I wanna take him for a walk

Baby, let's get down, I wanna bark like a god

this may have already been a tuesdaysong but i have not kept up with "adding the tuesdaysongs to their playlist each week" so who's to say. there was no particular song stuck in my head this week so it's the one i liked most out of what came up on shuffle when i went to go get groceries. i think it is off a spotify-made halloween playlist i played on a whim last fall.

-

reading on an indirect rec from @believerindaydreams , The Skylark of Space by E. E. Smith and Lee Hawkins Garby, widely considered to be the first space opera. we have not gotten off earth yet, but found the part where the hero's fiance bodily removes him from the lab where he is overworking himself to death, feeds him an enormous dinner, goes "i am now going to play the violin for you :)" and plays him lullabies until he falls asleep. what the FUCK that's so charming

-

watching Snow White and the Huntsman (2012, dir. Sanders) for this shot and this shot only

-

playing stray! my god does this game have incredible set dressing. i am lightly annoyed that it didn't clearly signpost when i was leaving a specific area and couldn't come back, but i'm hoping it'll let me back in eventually. i wanna find the rest of the music sheets. the BLUETWELVE dev team is mostly ex-Ubisoft Montpelier folks, which really shows in the forgiving nature of the platforming and the ways you're guided through the (fairly) linear levels. i was surprised to find the Montpelier folks are mostly the Tom Clancy studio with some other weird experimental platformers you've never heard of, bc i really expected this team to have more overt assassin's creed experience. unlike assassin's creed, you are nudged toward hidden bonus secrets and encouraged to explore all the corners but they are infrequent and you are not literally led by the hand to them, which is nice.

-

making beloved mutual @dansedan sent me a gorgeous linocut to adorn the lair!!! it will not be shown until the end to heighten suspense

by magic, i found an uncommon size frame in the first thrift store i went to, a store not known to me for its selection of particularly good art or frames. here is the back. the art+mat+backing is held in place with those two wooden strips that swing in and out which is neato

the rest of the process was: go to Michaels, get extremely distracted by Halloween decor, buy paint and precut mat. realize i will have to cut the mat down but that’s fine as long as i don’t have to cut the interior mat opening bc i fucking hate doing those. with the frame, this was about twelve bucks total (eight dollars for the mat).

clean frame (wipe down with barely damp paper towel, realize my mistake, vacuum the paper towel shreds off and vacuum the spiderwebs out of the back), took some nail polish remover to the glass, took the glass into the tub to wash it bc there was some very stubborn dirt, end up scraping it off with a razor blade.

notice there are gaps in the frame corners. try to tap it back into square with a rubber mallet. fail. decide to gently tap it apart and reglue it. still gaps. fill in the gaps with wood glue on a toothpick and hope the paint covers it (yes, mostly). jam it into a square corner, reinforce the edges and weigh the corners down bc it really wants to twist.

leave alone for twenty four hours (difficult). it got two coats of aforementioned black matte acrylic paint. this is a pretty cool frame but 1) it’s not that old and 2) was painted to begin with, and this water based acrylic paint will be fairly easy to remove should someone want to reverse my changes. especially bc i didn’t bother sanding.

put the thing in the thing. slap a piece of watercolor paper in there also so the back of the thing doesn’t touch the wood back of the frame. no idea where I’m hanging this yet but it is ready to be hung wooo!!! i have no pictures of this in natural daylight bc i am writing this at 9 PM. i will straighten the print out before i hang it bc it is JUST barely not quite level

thinking about going back over the frame with some sort of iridescent sheen, bc everything in my house has to be weird or i die, but all my frames are either black, gold, or black and gold and I’m reluctant to switch that up. plus this way the focus is on the sick print. thank you again dan!!!

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem #Youtube

[sneakboots]

▫️🔶▫️🔶▫️ — - —

In case anyone is interested, I made a WondLa playlist! Fit for listening while reading the series, drawing up characters, or just daydreaming.

The link is under the cut:

Here are separate playlists split into all three books: (Search-Book 1, Hero-Book 2, Battle-Book 3)

Please let me know if the links are faulty..

I had so much fun compiling these together. Enjoy and happy listening! 🌳

#wondla series #youtubeplaylist #songs #fair warning the majority of the songs are futuristic/cyber-punk or ethereal #i find those genres of music to fit the wondla world the most #i spent so much time on this you don’t understand #when i hyperfixate on something i HYPERFIXATE #it was so much fun 🤗 #i am also in the process of making a playlist for Eight so look out for a post where i go absolutely insane with happiness #it’s taking me forever to find adequate songs that fit the mood but also have really good and fitting lyrics #so yes… that’s been my week #additional tags #tony diterlizzi #eva nine #rovender kitt #muthr #eva eight #yes even hailey turner … like one song is for him #can you guess which one? #i did this thing where each song is in chronological order (somewhat) corresponding to the events that take place #or characters that get introduced #i hope i did this world some justice #so many tags #-

[sexyandcringe]

Warning: none

Content: Angst to fluff, hurt/comfort

A/n: i got this idea while i was listening to an italian singer (Ultimo, try him out, he is amazing), and was making scenarios of Omi singing them songs for me.

You're lying in your bed, listening to your sad playlist as you stare into the nothingness of your dark room.

Your breath catches in your throat when you hear that part of the song that makes you want to cry and scream into the void, but you don't even have the energy to scream anymore, so you let thin tears trickle down your left cheek.

It's when you are in the middle of your weekly crying session at 00.37 that you hear your doorbell ringing. Your first thought is:

Who the fuck won't let me cry in peace at midnight of a working day?!

but when logic replaces your tears, you get paranoid. What if it's a robber? a serial killer? a psycho that will definetly put you in danger?

At these thoughts you decide to keep 911/112 dialed up in your phone and not answer the door; but more options flood into your mind: What if it's a friend of yours who need help? maybe a stranger who is getting followed and needs shelter asap?

You decide to think positive and get out of your bed. Curiosity also takes over you, but you still keep the emergency numbers on your phone. You thank your past self that let the lights of the entrace on and peek through the doorhole.

Your heart drops when you see the culprit of your annoyance.

"Kiyo- Sakusa?" you open the door.

It's been eight months since you have seen him. Eight months since you have been avoiding all the places you two used to go to. Eight months since you've asked your manager to change your departement because you didn't want to meet him in the photoshooting processes, keeping a low profile behind the scenes.

It's been eight months since you have seen him and today he looks a complete mess. His eyes are red and swollen, his shirt undone, his hair are messy and unkept and although Kiyoomi never really liked alcohol much, today he reeks of it.

He looks up to you with what you can perceive to be despair and hope mixed.

"What's happening?" you ask, trying to find answers in his dark eyes.

Sakusa's heart clenches. It's been so long, yet you still use that kind, sweet tone of yours. To be fair he didn't expect you to open the door at all, and in the remote possibility of that happening, he assumed that it would be to yell at him, to tell him what the hell is he doing here and to get lost.

He thinks he really doesn't deserve you. He made you feel so, so unloved, so insecure. He made you feel as if you weren't enough because he was still caught up in the past; He was the one who still thought of another woman who left him forever.

But he is healing now. Both of you know that these things take time and that's why you decided to break up with him. You both need time to heal. How can you expect to be in a happy relationship when both of you are broken?

"I missed you." he sighs, and you catch on a tremble in his voice.

You wait for him to say more — you want for him to say something more, because God, you missed him, too, but you are scared to get hurt again.

"Please." He plays with his fingers. " I- i'll be better. I'm such an idiot, i- i kept crying over someone i lost already, but couldn't hold onto what i actually had, what was actually important to me. I'm so sorry, Y/N, i really am." At this point he is crying, his hiccups filling up the empty, little garden. "Please, i miss you, so much."

You have no idea what is he pleading for, but you hate seeing him cry, so you let him in. "Come in, it's cold outside."

You offer him some water and prepare some hot chocolate, because you know that Kiyoomi hates coffee.

"Are you feeling better?" You ask once he has calmed down, and Sakusa feels like crying again, because he really doesn't deserve you and your kindness, but he needs to control himself for now. He needs to fix this.

"Yeah, but i meant every word i said."

"Do you... do you want us to get-"

"Yes. I want you back, Y/N. I promise, i won't make you feel unloved ever again. Trust me on this one. I'll do my best." he looks at you with hope in his eyes.

Kiyoomi.

Throughout your relationship with him, if you could call it that, he has been nothing but a sweetheart to you, but you could notice how he always searched for someone else in your eyes, how under the starry night skies he always dreamed to be with someone — someone who was not you. You know he was trying his best to forget the past and love you unconditionally, but his heart was still too weak, still too fragile.

You don't think you could have found anyone better than him, but how does the saying goes? Right person at the wrong time. He was your right person, but you met him when both of you were still broken from your traumatic pasts and needed time to heal. Is 8 months enough? You don't think so, but today, for once, you saw him looking at you - and not someone he hoped you were, while you are also in a better place than before.

It will take some time more, bit by bit, but both of you are healing and learning to move on.

So you let yourself believe in him and believe in you.

You let yourself believe in a future "us".

Reblogs are really appreciated!

#sakusa x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #Sakusa fluff #Sakusa comfort #Haikyuu comfort #Sakusa angst #Haikyuu angst #Sakusa x you #Sakusa kiyoomi x reader #Msby x reader #Sakusa x yn #Msby x yn #Kiyoomi x reader #Omi x reader

[slasherboyos]

Different World | Chapter Nine

Word count: 3300+ (adsgf there is a reason for why I split chapter eight)

Date posted: August 6, 2021

Warning: Cursing

“Different World” masterlist: Link

Fanfic Playlist: Link

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Note: A nice chapter, but an important one! Also, there is some dialogue that seems incorrect, but it’s like that for a reason; just giving a heads up just in case! As always, feedback is appreciated!

Marko’s boots stomped down the dirt steps that led into the hotel. The plastic utensils in the Coca-Cola box of Chinese takeout were heard clashing with each other when he jumped down that final ledge.

“Feeding time,” He loudly called, announcing his return with dinner. “Come and get it!” You grumbled as you sat up; you were this close to falling asleep during this small pocket of calm, but, of course, proper sleep continued to elude you. That Walkman you have been thinking about buying was starting to become all the more enticing. In your tired state, you stayed put at the far left side of the couch as Marko distributed the food with a pair of chopsticks in his mouth. Dwayne sat on the other side with Laddie sitting between you two. You put your elbow on the armrest, resting your chin on your palm.

“Tired of me already,” Paul jested, gesturing to the empty spot beside him where you usually sat during meal times. You rolled your eyes and lazily stuck your middle finger at him with the same hand that held your head. David placed himself in his shirt-covered wheelchair. 

“I’m not getting up,” you flippantly grumbled, leaning in further into the armrest. Your strained eyes watered as you yawned. 

“Your grace, the finest of meals,” Marko chirped. You gave Marko a sleepy amused look at his exaggerated bow and horrible attempt at a posh British accent as he handed you a carton with a pair of chopsticks. You propped yourself up and leaned comfortably against the backrest, bringing your legs up to lay on their sides. You opened the flaps, stomach tightened from hunger, mildly excited to see what he brought you. He, indeed, did know what you liked. You offered some to Star, which she declined as per usual, before you dug in, starved without the help of your usual early-evening snack.

David offered some food, a carton of rice, to Michael, which was refused at first. However, through the power of peer pressure, Michael accepted the carton and a clear, plastic fork. While you may not have approved David’s methods, you were glad to see Michael eating something. You chewed your food and swallowed it. You closed your eyes in complete bliss, finally being able to get your food intake for the night. There was a chance that Laddie may not finish all of his food, so you silently plotted to take it when he was full. It would be a pity for that delicious takeout to go to waste, after all. Plus, it would help decrease the amount of food waste amongst you. 

“How are those maggots,” David asked quickly and nonchalantly, which had a very casual tone compared to the substance of his question. The boys laughed and you groaned. You leaned back against the backrest, watching, knowing the direction that this was taking. Of course, they were not going to let Michael enjoy his first meal with them without a little bit of hazing. 

“What,” Michael inquired, not comprehending the bizarre statement he heard. 

“Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots. How do they taste?” Paul had no shame in continuing to chuckle. You hid your growing smile behind your hand. Given the countless times that David had pulled this trick on you, it was strange seeing him do it to someone else. 

Michael gave David an incredulous smile before looking down to come face to face with a carton of what you could assume were squirming maggots in his eyes. Almost immediately, Michael dropped the carton and spit out the rice in his mouth and the cave erupted in howling laughter. Even David was almost doubling over with how hard he was laughing. You, much to your shame, also quietly chuckled, trying to stay quiet as if you were not finding this a little entertaining. He was so unsuspecting unlike you. While you knew from the start that they were vampires—though, you did not realize their mind-based abilities at first—Michael was oblivious, so he did not catch on as quickly as you did. Well, he did not catch on at all.

Star did not find this heckling as enjoyable. 

“Leave him alone,” she begged, unhappy with the boys’ treatment of Michael, not that anyone listened to what she had to say. Michael realized that the rice was not a pile of maggots, but just plain old white rice. He looked up before looking back down at the mess, really trying to process that it was just rice. 

“Sorry ‘bout that,” David gave an empty apology and you rolled your eyes. “No hard feelings, huh?” Michael swallowed his pride and answered,

“No.” Wow, this guy really wants to get on David’s good side. Michael was, at least, tame enough to take it in stride, unlike you. While his initial reaction was worse than yours, at least he did not immediately yell out profanities. David stuck his chopsticks in his noodles. 

“Why don’t you try some noodles?” The boys started laughing again. You waited patiently to see what trick David was pulling out of his sleeve. 

“They’re worms,” Michael deadpanned and you exhaled. They had an obsession with squirmy bugs, it seemed. 

“What do you mean they’re worms?” David dug through the carton, playing dumb to Michael’s concerns. 

“You’re still doing this,” you uttered. You sighed, “the joke’s over, guys!” Michael tried to warn him to not eat the so-called worms, but David used the chopsticks to shove more noodles in his mouth. He chewed on them obnoxiously before grinning, content with how he got under Michael’s skin.

“They’re only noodles, Michael.” Michael snatched the carton and looked through it, only to find just noodles. He must have thought he was losing his mind! To your surprise, he did not ask any questions and took it all at face value. You were a little worried about how easily he was absorbing this. 

“You’re an ass, David.” He ignored your insult, which was probably in your best interest. 

“Nice worms,” Dwayne mocked amongst the snickering. You reached over Laddie and swatted Dwayne’s chest with the back of your right hand, which he hissed at, though he was not in any pain from your back-handed attack. “(Y/N) is being mean again,” he tattled on you to nobody in particular. You raised your hands, physically expressing your annoyance.

“Are you tattling on—what are you, a child?”

“That’s enough,” Star asserted, which Paul responded to with, 

“Aw, chill out, girl,” While Star had not liked this from the start, you were drawing the line here. While the prank was harmless, they did not need to be ridiculing Michael this much. 

And you were not a fan of Paul brushing Star off like that.

You picked a small pebble and aimed for him, landing on his neck. “Hey,” he whined, but you could not care less about it.

“You’re all a bunch of asswipes!” You complained, swallowing what you had been chewing. “I am so sorry, Michael.” Michael appreciated your apology, though he was still embarrassed and very confused by what just happened. “They did the same thing to me, you know. Made me think I was eating caterpillars instead of french fries. And then Paul ate the fries that I dropped.” You threw your head back to get more food in your mouth as Paul chuckled, still clearly proud of himself for getting that reaction out of you when he had picked up the soiled french fry and popped it in his mouth. “They still pull shit like this with me all the time.” 

Your gaze had drifted to Paul, who had his hand in the carton. Your warm smile—which appeared from reminiscing—dropped and your expression morphed into a disgusted one. You knew for sure that he did not wash his hands before deciding to use one as an eating utensil. With a disappointed sigh, you pinched between your eyebrows, exasperated, and expressed,

“Are you kidding—are you eating Chinese takeout with your bare hands?” He put the carton to his mouth as if he was drinking out of a cup.

“Why am I in trouble?” He spoke with a mouth full of fried rice and gestured to Dwayne, who was sitting beside you. Dwayne, now the one being put on the spot, froze, caught red-handed with his hand in his carton, and picked up some noodles. You scrunched up your nose and furrowed your brow. How you did not notice that happening right beside you was a mystery.

“Really? I expected this from Paul—”

“This is bullying!”

“—but not you!” As if to spite you, Dwayne picked up some of his noodles and shoved it into his mouth with a cheeky smile. “Marko is using a pair of chopsticks! Marko! And he’s...” You vaguely gestured to him. “Marko!”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Marko yapped. You pointed at him accusingly. 

“You know exactly what that means.” You were alluding to how much of an instinctual person he was. You were surprised with how he did not immediately stick his hand in his food without taking off his gloves when he opened his carton. “Michael, you know what he did the first night I was here?” Michael shook his head, almost smiling at the sight of you putting them in their place. “He threw a pigeon at me. A pigeon!” Everyone, including you, laughed at the fond memory, Marko being the loudest as he caught himself by putting a hand on his knee. When David calmed down, recalling the shocked expression you had when the bird was tossed at the back of your skull, he gave you a seemingly genuine smile. Seemingly.

You intentionally tried to make him feel more comfortable with your story of the pigeon attack. There was a part of you that did not like how he was to become a vampire against his will. While you could not do anything to change that, you could at least be a friend and hold out an olive branch.

Besides Star, Michael noticed how you were showing legitimate consideration towards him while the boys were messing with him with no restraints. You, while taking part in all of this heckling, had the decency to apologize and had your limits. He was still intimidated by your presence but realized that you may not be as menacing as you may appear. In contrast to your piercing stare, your smile lit up the room and you were a fun person to be around.

Of course, he was unaware as to just how doomed to stay with this group of misfits he was. He may have to deal with this taunting for the rest of eternity.

You picked up another pebble. It hit Marko's left temple and somehow landed in his food.

“Get fucked, pigeon-thrower,” you slandered.

“Ow! Dwayne’s right, you are bein’ a bitch!” 

“Oh, you’ll get over it.” You picked up a third small rock and leaned forward to get a clearer shot. You harshly threw it onto Dwayne's bare chest. 

“What was that for,” he complained, mouth full of noodles. 

“Talkin’ shit about me.” 

“I never called you a bitch!” Okay, maybe it was fun just being a general nuisance towards them, but that was not going to be something you said out loud. To keep things even between them all, you picked up one more for David. As you aimed, he put up a finger to make you pause. 

“Do you really want to do that,” he challenged. Unluckily for him, you found entertainment in doing things out of spite. However, Unluckily for you, he caught the rock with a gloved hand and threw it back at you with force. You laughed with a mild shriek as you tried to shield yourself, but it hit your left shoulder. 

“Ow,” you exclaimed and rubbed the ambushed area of your arm.

“You’ll get over it,” he mocked, repeating what you had said to Marko. 

“You see what I have to deal with, Michael,” you joked. Paul threw the remaining fried rice in his carton at you. “Don’t throw food, dipshit! You'll get it in the cushions!”

“It’s maggots, (Y/N),” Paul teased. You took hold of a small display pillow, one that you have been sleeping with, and threw it at Paul. Too bad you missed. Paul mockingly said, 

“Try again!”

David was lost in thought before he called out to Marko and whispered something in his ear as the excitement died down, the tone of the night changing drastically as silence engulfed the cave. You could decipher what was said. Marko nodded enthusiastically, giving a quick once-over towards everyone, before leaving and coming back with an ornate wine bottle. 

Star became visibly concerned, quickly making her way to Michael’s side. Her reaction was enough for you to mirror that worry. There was no way they were going to turn him tonight, right? Getting Michael drunk to make the process easier hardly seems like the best strategy, if that was what they were doing. Plus, he did not seem like a wine guy.

David, with as much flair as he could muster, popped the cork and drank from the bottle. He opened his eyes, his gaze on Michael intense. He’s dramatic; I’ll give him that. You thought.

“Drink some of this, Michael,” David pressured, offering him the bottle. He quieted and harshly whispered, “be one of us.” You could almost see the ellipses that appeared in Michael's head. You were glad you were not the only one who found the dramatic nature David was talking with anticlimactic. Michael stood from the fountain and gingerly took the bottle from David by the neck. As Dwayne and Paul began to chant Michael’s name, Laddie stood and ran away, granting you another reason to be concerned. Marko joined in. Star moved closer to Michael; you swear that she was just about ready to jump out of her skin with how skittish she was being. 

“Michael,” David called, egging him on. 

“Yeah, sure,” Michael responded before putting it up to his mouth and taking quite a few large gulps of it. The boys cheered with David yelling, “Bravo!” Star took a step back, shielding Laddie with her left hand. You could not understand why she was so nervous, so afraid. It was just a little bit of wine! Are they seriously trying to get him drunk? Maybe you have overestimated the boys’ planning skills.

Or, this was just a part of their initiation. They could be building up to the actual turning, but all you can do for now is speculate. Hopefully, you will remember to ask one of them about it later.

“Your turn, (Y/N).” You swiftly turned your head to face David, not expecting the spotlight to turn to you.

“Me?” Why did they want you to drink from the bottle? It was not as if you were the one who was going to start walking amongst the undead as one of them; Michael was the one who was joining the clique. 

“It's like an initiation,” Paul explained. “Drink it and you're officially one of us, sugar!”

“And don’t think that you’re done, Michael,” David warned as he handed you the bottle. He made brief eye contact with you before returning to look at Michael. “(Y/N) has already gone through it all; you’ve still got to show us that you’ve got what it takes.” Michael took a glimpse at you. 

“What it takes,” Michael pressed.

“To be one of us, Michael.”

“And I have what it takes,” you asked. No one denied the statement. You were not sure what specific qualities they saw in you and what they may have considered a test of your worth, but you apparently fit the bill.

“Why else would we be having such a special dinner, (Y/N),” David stated. You chortled. It was not as if they served you a five-star meal from some fancy restaurant that only takes patrons that are dressed to the nines. Well, it was in such a fancy hotel, though collapsed, so maybe you could let it slide.

“All this is for me,” you entertained his statement. 

“It is if you drink from the bottle,” Marko answered, sitting on the armrest and leaning towards you, giving you a prying look with raised eyebrows. You let out a hefty chuckle before looking down at the bottle in your hand, swishing the liquid in a clockwise motion, feeling the weight of it as it moved. With it in your hand, you got a closer inspection.

Though tacky, it was a beautiful vessel. It was a clear, glass bottle that was covered in gold plating. Over that, red and white gems decorated it. The red drink inside of the bottle was a vibrant red, bright and alluring. It made sense that they would choose such a drink. 

Beginning with Dwayne, the boys chanted, growing louder with each one,

“One of us! One of us! One of us!” An involuntary smile grew on your face. In a way, you guess that you were one of them and a part of their social circle. You had grown to care for them and it warmed your heart that they thought the same of you. 

It was just some wine, right? In a fancy sunken hotel like this, it would make sense to find such a fancy bottle among the rubble. And it made sense that this group of vampires would have some weird initiation rituals.

You brought the bottle to your lips and took a sip; you did not drink as much as Michael did, but just enough to get a small taste. That sample was enough given how the boys cheered as you felt it go down your throat. You did a double-take, not expecting it to taste like that.

It did not taste like wine, but it was nothing like you had ever drank before. It was strong, but it was from something other than the alcohol content. It was sweet with a bit of a spicy kick to it as it went down. You made a face, still trying to decide if you liked it or not.

“What is that?” You brought the opening to your eye before taking another sip. “Wow, that does not taste like wine.” One more time, you brought the bottle to your lips before concluding that you enjoyed the flavor; they chose a good initiation drink. 

You gave the bottle back to David as you licked your lips clean. You sat comfortably with a bashful smile that you tried to hide with the side of your hand. It was as if they were happier with you drinking the wine than they were with Michael drinking it with how they cheered. They clapped to a rhythm and excitedly chanted again,

“One of us! One of us!” You brought your tongue to the roof of your mouth.

"You guys are way too excited for a little bit of wine," you dismissed, a laugh escaping you as you tried to seem unmoved. Paul hopped onto the box he was sitting on and jumped off to the other side. He raised the volume on his stereo, which was playing some rock song you vaguely recognized. 

"Now, we really celebrate," David instructed as Paul jogged back and pulled you up. 

"You're one of us now, (Y/N)," Marko cheered as he patted you hard on the back, stepping in front of you and facing you with a wide smile, which you mirrored when you recovered. He took notice of how your eyes completely softened while you smiled at him. Your expression was so real, so sincere. 

Those high walls of yours had crumbled down to mere dust, allowing them to step in with ease, which was what you were afraid of, but you could not bring yourself to care in the moment. 

You felt a hand gently stroke your upper back and you turned to see Dwayne, who was grinning boyishly down at you. As they left you, you could not deny how good you felt when they chanted your name,

"(Y/N)! (Y/N)! (Y/N)!"

➳ ➳ ➳

Taglist: @lililolli @iloveslasher @lostbetweenvampiresandmusic @bazingadotbizoff @motionlessgirl12 @petrelsrose @takemetotheweirdness @collieflower215 @ch3rrydoll @nataliewalker93 @fuzzyblanketsblog @cranberrypills​ @espurrisfabulous  @dwight-y0u-sunflower-slut

If your tag is crossed out, I was unable to tag you.

#the lost boys #the lost boys 1987 #the lost boys x reader #the lost boys dwayne #the lost boys david #the lost boys marko #the lost boys paul #david the lost boys #dwayne the lost boys #marko the lost boys #paul the lost boys #the lost boys fanfiction #the lost boys imagines #the lost boys x you #slasher x reader #slasherboyos writes

[homoose]

Teach Me Something I Don’t Know: Part VII

Summary: Spencer’s unresolved trauma catches up with him. Reader gets her heart broken.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: angst, I’m so sorry guys

Warnings/Includes: brief mention of violence and details of a case; brief mention of prison, past trauma; a lil self-loathing and self-sabotaging

Word count: 3.8k

a/n: I knew that this was where this story was going from the very beginning. The dialogue is one of the first parts I had written. It still hurts. Relevant to the story: I operate with the understanding that the Jeid arc does not exist, which also means that Spencer never went to therapy in season 15. Also, huge thanks to @reidscanehand​ for beta-ing and just generally being my hype person!!!!

Song Recs: Shrike by Hozier; Better As a Memory by Kenny Chesney (don’t come for me if Spencer made playlists this would ABSOLUTELY be on there)

Series Masterlist

———

Spencer made his way to Emily’s office, ignoring the team’s eyes on him— varying degrees of understanding, concern, and uncertainty plain on their faces. As he reached the threshold, he paused for a second before moving into her line of sight. When he moved into the doorway, she looked up and waved him in. He closed the door behind him.

She gestured to the chair in front of her desk. Spencer hesitated for only a split second, but it was long enough for her to notice. He lowered himself into the chair and met her eyes.

She folded her hands on top of the desk. “How are you feeling?”

He drummed his fingers across his kneecaps. “I’m fine.”

It was a lie, and they both knew it. She bit back a sigh and flipped open the folder in front of her. “I’m finished with the official report. I wanted to go over it with you before I submit it to the director.” She looked at him briefly before reading out the report. “On January 9th, our team pursued a lead at the residence of suspect Andrew Hurley. We divided into teams to cover the two entrances to the home, as well as the barn behind the house.”

Spencer fidgeted slightly in his chair and rubbed the tips of his fingers together. Emily continued, “During the raid, Supervisory Special Agent Spencer Reid became separated from the team and was ambushed and disarmed by the suspect in the barn.” She paused but didn’t look at him. “The team was unaware of the altercation for some time, during which Dr. Reid employed various approved restraint methods and was ultimately forced to utilize self-defense measures to preserve his own life. Consequently, Mr. Hurley sustained serious injuries.”

She did look at him then, a steady and unrelenting gaze that had him shrinking inside himself. “However, I have determined that Dr. Reid’s actions were justified in order to maintain his own safety.” She returned her eyes to the report. “Mr. Hurley was detained and treated for his injuries at Sebastian River Medical Center, and he is expected to make a full recovery. Based on the cognitive interviews and physical evidence, a grand jury hearing is scheduled for January 25th.” She brought her hands to rest on top of the report.

“I’ll sign off on it and deliver it to the director by the end of business today.” She let out the sigh she’d been holding back. “Reid.”

He pressed his mouth into a thin line, torn between shame and vindication. “Emily.”

“What happened in that barn was unacceptable. And I need you to recognize that.” Her eyes were back on him, a leader’s gaze boring into a weak link. “You went against a direct order. You put your life in danger unnecessarily, and in the process you endangered this entire team. Furthermore, you could have cost us the ability to close this case, to put Hurley away and bring justice to his victims.”

“It won’t happen again,” he assured her.

“No, it won’t.” Her tone told him that if it did, he’d have bigger problems than a meeting in her office. “My recommendation to the director is that you transition to your next mandatory leave cycle early.”

“I can handle—”

“It’s not a request. You’re on sabbatical starting tomorrow. That’s an order, and one you’d do well to follow.” She closed the file in front of her. “We’ll see you back in the bullpen on March 7th.”

“I don’t need more time off, Emily,” Spencer snapped.

He could see her grind her teeth together at his tone, but he couldn’t seem to care enough to feel contrite. She took a deep breath in through her nose, leveling him with a pointed look. “If Simmons hadn’t broken it up, you’d have killed Hurley on the floor of that barn.”

His mind snapped back to the lifeless eyes of Hurley’s victims— eight year old boys in shallow graves. Boys who died afraid, and in pain, and crying out for their mothers. His thoughts raced to the feel of Hurley’s throat under his arm, the crack of the zygomatic under his fist. Emily was right of course. If Matt hadn’t found them in the barn and dragged him up and off of Hurley’s nearly lifeless body, Spencer would have killed him without compunction.

“Reid.” The stern edge was gone from her voice. Spencer refocused his eyes on her face, now showcasing an underlying concern that made his stomach turn. “I’m not recommending another cycle of mandatory counseling at this time, although I reserve the right to require it moving forward. But… I’m asking you to take care of yourself. You’ve been through a lot in the last two years. More than a lot.”

“I said I’m fine,” he insisted, but there was less fire behind it this time.

“And I’m not saying you aren’t,” she countered. “But I am saying that the person in that barn… that wasn’t you. That was not the Reid that I know.” Emily tilted her head and furrowed her brow. “The Reid I know uses his intellect and empathy to see angles that the rest of us miss. He depends on the strength of his mind and his unwavering compassion to diffuse conflicts without violence. He invites his friends to foreign film showings and puppet theater.”

When he didn’t budge, she let out a long breath. “I want you to take the next fifty days to find that Reid and bring him back to us.”

...

Y/N dropped into her desk chair with a huff. They’d been back from winter break for two weeks, and she already needed another vacation. But tomorrow was Friday, and then they had a long weekend. She could make it through one more day.

She closed her eyes for a long moment, tired in the way that only kindergarten teachers fresh off a long break can be. She heard the click of Anita’s shoes coming before she even entered the room, and Y/N couldn’t stop the twitch of her lips.

“Dude. How is it only Thursday?” Anita flopped down into the plush Calm Corner chair.

“This has been the longest week of my life,” Y/N agreed. “My kids were off the chain.”

“There is so much drama in middle school right now,” Anita groaned. “I can’t keep up with all the tea, and you know how I love to stay up to date on the freshest brews.” She shot Y/N a look. “Speaking of, where’s the good doctor?”

“I think they’ve had a lot going on at work,” Y/N surmised. “I haven’t seen Mrs. Jareau in over a month.”

“Well, I’m getting antsy,” Anita complained. “Thought for sure you’d be going steady by now.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help but feel a little impatient herself. If she’d known it would be this long before she’d see him again, she might have made a move when he’d volunteered. Then again, probably not. She sighed.

Her phone chimed with an email message, and she automatically swiped the screen open to read it.

Spencer Reid Re:

Are you free today? If you are, I’ll be at Soho.

...

Spencer sat at the table in the corner of the coffee shop. He sipped absentmindedly at his tea, almost gone cold. He hadn’t waited for a reply before leaving Quantico. He drove straight to the city, figuring he’d wait at Soho until he felt some semblance of calm returning to his body.

He didn’t know why he’d emailed Y/N, and he wasn’t sure he really wanted her to show up. Usually he’d talk to Penelope or maybe JJ. But he’d wanted to get as far from the BAU as possible, and he didn’t want to drag Penelope away from the colorful, safe corner of the world she’d created for herself. He didn’t want to fill it with all the tragedy she’d tried so hard to leave behind.

If Y/N did show, he was certain he could keep the conversation vague, focus on her and the classroom, ask her about her holidays. She wasn’t a profiler, didn’t know his tells well enough. She’d be none the wiser, and he’d have her warmth and presence to focus his energy on, if only for a few hours.

Every time the bell chimed, his eyes flew to the door, searching for her. He knew it was ridiculous. He’d only known her for one hundred and eleven days. Pragmatically, he knew she shouldn’t be the one he wanted to talk to. Realistically, he wasn’t planning to burden her with all of the mess of the past week, the past year, his entire life.

But in the six hundred and forty seven minutes he’d spent with her since September, he’d felt more like himself than he ever had. He was never afraid to be himself with her— the silly story voices, the ridiculous costume, the magic trick, the vulnerability about his mom. All of these pieces of himself were things he usually waited years to show people. It had taken her a matter of weeks to draw them out.

He couldn’t help but believe that if he wanted to, he could tell her everything. She’d know exactly what to say. She’d listen for as long as he could keep talking. She’d cover his shaking hands and wrap him up in the warmth of her spirit. She’d give of herself to guide him back to the person he used to be. She’d be more than willing to use her radiance to illuminate the dark so that he might have a little light again.

The bell sounded, and his eyes focused, and there she was. She was wrapped up in a puffed jacket, a bright blue scarf tied around her neck. Her nose was adorably red from the cold, and she rubbed her hands together as the door closed behind her. Her eyes found him immediately. A small smile turned up the corners of her mouth, and she gave him an enthusiastic wave. And he knew that he was right about all of it.

She approached the table, unwinding her scarf. “Hi!”

“Hi.”

Her eyes flickered over his face, and then settled on his mostly empty mug. “I’ll get you a refill, and then we’ll catch up?”

He nodded, and she headed to the counter. There had been a part of him that thought she wouldn’t come, but of course she did. For some reason, unbeknownst to him, she liked talking to him. Even among his closest friends, he was often made to feel self-conscious about his tendency to ramble, but Y/N had literally asked him to. She sought him out, asked him questions, listened intently, and remembered things he’d told her. She was kind and thoughtful and genuine. Of course she came when he called.

She returned with two mugs, carefully setting them down on the tiny table. She unzipped and removed her jacket, hanging it on the back of her chair and revealing a crew neck sweater covered in tiny astronauts and rocket ships. When she sat across from him, her hands wrapped around the mug and her eyes met his.

“Hi.”

He couldn’t stop his lips from twitching, despite the events of the day. “You said that already.”

She laughed, and he felt the weight begin to lift. “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen you in forever, so— I’m just making up for lost time.”

“Sixty one days.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s been sixty one days, eighty eight minutes, and approximately,” he looked at his watch, “fourteen seconds since we saw each other last.”

She laughed again, and his mouth completed its curve. She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I like that you’ve been counting.” She let her chin come to rest in her hand, eyes studying his face. “How are you?”

He wanted to lie, but she was looking at him so earnestly that he mumbled out, “I’m managing.”

She mirrored the way he’d looked at her across this same table nearly three months ago. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” That was a lie, too. But asking her to meet him was enough of a burden.

“Okay. Well, if you change your mind at any point, let me know.” She wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Until then, I can just regale you with all the kindergarten stories you’ve missed while you were out saving lives.”

And regale him she did. For almost an hour, he listened to her tales of love (budding crushes were taking over recess time), loss (the class pet— a stuffed zebra— had accidentally taken a swim in the Atlantic on a vacation to Florida), and lessons learned…

“So, in case there was ever any doubt, we are now painfully aware that we shouldn’t attempt to flush our underwear.” Y/N let out an exasperated laugh.

She’d been talking to him for fifty three minutes, and his heart already felt one thousand times lighter. “I’m really glad I wasn’t there for that one.”

“I really wish that was the only poop story I had.” She shook her head. “There are a lot of things they don’t tell you in grad school. I think there’d be a global teacher shortage if they warned you about the amount of bodily fluid management involved in teaching kindergarten.”

She toyed with the edge of her empty mug. He watched the movement of her fingers.

“Do you—”

“Do you—”

She laughed and gestured for him to speak first.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

…

They ended up in Mitchell Park. The trees were bare and the grass was brown, but he was with her, and so it was beautiful.

They’d been walking in comfortable silence, when she asked, “Did you change your mind? About talking about it.”

Spencer put his hands into his pockets. “It’s, um— it’s kind of a lot.”

She shrugged. “I’ve got time.”

“I don’t mean— I mean, it would take some time to get through it all. But it’s also— it’s a lot.”

“We don’t have to.” He could feel her eyes on him. “Do you talk to— someone about it?”

“I talked with my unit chief today,” he answered.

“Okay. But— I mean, have you ever— talked to someone. Like, a professional.”

Spencer bristled slightly. Although he knew she wasn’t passing judgement, her question exposed the reality that she thought he could use it. “I’ve had some mandated counseling over the years.”

“Obviously it’s your choice whether you talk to someone or not,” she mused. “I just— I know that I’ve benefited a lot from seeing my therapist.”

Spencer was unsure of what to do with that information. Here she was, confessing that she went to therapy— sweet, lovely Y/N. In comparison, he wasn’t sure if even daily meetings with a counselor would be enough to tame the darkness that had grown and festered inside him over the years. That sometimes threatened to swallow him whole.

For a long while, there was only the crunch of the frozen ground beneath their feet. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but there was an uncertainty about them that felt uncharacteristically heavy. He was hyper aware of her presence, and so he felt her pace slowing down before she came to a complete stop. He walked a few more paces before it became clear that she wasn’t planning to catch up.

He turned and saw that she’d taken a seat on one of the park benches. He carefully made his way to the bench, sitting beside her quietly. She didn’t look at him, but instead studied her fingernails intently. She cracked her knuckles once, twice, and then turned her body slightly toward him on the bench.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped,” she hedged carefully. “I didn’t mean to tell you what to do, or like, imply that there’s anything wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you at all. I just—”

“It’s fine,” Spencer assured her. The way she looked at him then— like he was something fragile, delicate— made his eyes burn. He kept his voice even. “I know what you meant.”

She smiled, eyes crinkling and filled with something that felt familiar and far away all at once. “Good. I can’t have you out here thinking you’re anything less than wonderful.”

He couldn’t stop looking at her, attempting to solve the impossible cypher behind her irises. As he failed to decode it, his inability to read her blinded him to what came next. He missed the dilation of her pupils, the way her tongue darted out to wet her lips, the increase of the beats in her carotid. So when she leaned in and pressed her mouth to his, he was momentarily paralyzed.

Her lips were so soft against his slightly chapped ones, pressing with a perfectly gentle pressure. She brought her hand up to cradle his cheek, the pads of her fingers just barely ghosting the curls falling around his ear. She sighed into his mouth and pressed a little closer. He took one peaceful moment to bask in the realization of a desire he’d had for almost four months.

And then she swiped the very tentative tip of her tongue against the seam of his mouth, and his hands involuntarily wound into her hair, dragging her closer. He opened his mouth against hers to swallow her sweet little gasp. His grip on her hair tightened, and she let out the tiniest mewl, and like a switch had flipped— suddenly his mind was full of the darkness she’d spent the evening chasing away.

Y/N beneath him in the dark. Maeve in a pool of blood. His hands around Cat’s neck. His mother’s slap against his cheek. Max walking away from him. His fingers pressing the plunger on a dirty syringe. The slam of the door behind his father. Y/N calling out his name. A knife at his throat under a canopy of bones. Innumerable sets of lifeless eyes staring up at him. His life being snuffed out on the dirt floor of a shed. The clanging of metal bars and fingers ghosting over old bruises. Y/N looking at him with warm, loving eyes. The violent crack of bone underneath his fists. Y/N’s face, lovely and perfect— and then twisted in pain.

He broke away from her, releasing his hold on her hair and pushing her back into the bench. He took a second to gather himself before he dared to look at her. Her hair was tousled from his rough grip; her eyes were half-lidded and focused on him; her lips were red and kiss-bruised and turned up in a small, sweet smile.

And all at once he knew he had to hurt her, and it had to be now. Because what Cat had said about him was true. He might have escaped his mother’s illness, but he hadn’t been able to outrun the violence— and unlike her, he didn’t have the excuse of being sick. He had hurt people, and he had enjoyed it. He would have killed Hurley, and he would have slept soundly. He was no better than the men his team hunted.

Every time he thought he’d moved past it, that wickedness lurking just under the surface would grab him by the throat, choking everything else out. Emily’s directive rang in his ears. Find that Reid and bring him back to us. He knew who she was talking about. The problem was, he wasn’t sure that person still existed.

He was going to hurt Y/N eventually. Better to do it now, before things got too far.

“You’re Michael’s teacher,” he said, as evenly as possible.

Her smile faltered, and she pressed her lips together. He could still feel the phantom press of them against his own, and he was sure he’d never forget it. She cleared her throat. “You’re right, you’re totally right. I, um— I won’t be in a few months, and maybe then—”

“You don’t even know me,” he interrupted.

Now there was confusion in her eyes. That much he could read. She huffed out a small laugh. “I— I don’t think that’s entirely true.”

He looked directly at her. “Why? Because you read my bio on a university website? Because we got tea a couple times?” His voice sounded harsh, patronizing, and he hated it.

Her confusion shifted into shock, and he ignored the tug on his heart. “Are you serious?” she questioned, genuinely searching for a sign that he was joking.

“Dead serious.” He shrugged, and it felt like his bones were breaking. “You don’t really know anything about me, Y/N. If you did, you wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

“Where— where is this coming from?” Her voice was small, close to breaking. He lined up the last nail on the lid of the coffin.

“Maybe I gave you the wrong impression. I’ve appreciated talking to you. Volunteering in your classroom was entertaining. But I don’t— I don’t see you that way.” It was a lie, and if he didn’t have such a practiced poker face, she might have seen through it. As it was, his poker face had helped get him banned from every casino in Vegas, so he watched her as he hammered the final nail. “You’re just Michael’s kindergarten teacher.”

“Oh.” The hurt flashed across her features— the furrow of her brow, the tightening of her mouth, the storm clouds in her eyes. “Well, I— I really read this wrong, huh?” She laughed, but there was no humor in it.

“Yeah.” He put his hands into his pockets to keep himself from reaching for her, the desire to comfort her a strange juxtaposition to the pain he was intentionally inflicting on her. “I guess so.”

She opened and closed her mouth twice before taking a deep breath and nearly whispering, “Okay. Well. I’m— I’m gonna go.”

She brushed some imaginary dust from her pants and then stood. She turned to him, and he waited for her to explode— to scream and curse at him. But it didn’t come. She didn’t look at him at all. “Um— yeah. I’m gonna go.”

He didn’t say anything, and he knew she’d take his silence as indifference. But he had to keep his mouth shut, because if he didn’t, he’d beg her to stay. He’d tell her every single random piece of information he had stored in his brain. He’d tell her that he loved her from the moment he watched her help a child pick a solution from a pencil box. He’d tell her that he only ever dreamt of two things these days— her or the lives he didn’t save. He’d tell her every single one of his deepest, darkest secrets. He’d tell her that sometimes he was so afraid of himself that he could barely breathe. And if he told her all of that, she’d walk away anyway.

So instead, he watched her turn and start back up the path, hugging her arms around herself and swiping her cheek against her scarf.

When she disappeared over the slope of the path, he scrubbed his hands over his own damp face and let himself break.

———

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Series tags: @spacedikut​ @uhuhuh​ @itsametaphorbriansblog​ @magenta145​ @annesauriol​ @watermelongubler​ @ampal98​ @meowiemari​ @mrsmyaweasley​ @mggsprettygirl​ @ceeellewrites​ @daybabyx​ @joalsglasses​ @chevyimpala00067​ @misshale21​ @ilzieah​​ @froggybagels​​ @gublersbooblers​ @matthcwgraygubler​ @takeyourleap-of-faith​ @mrs-dr-reid​ @flklrevrmre​ @andromedasstarship​ @joodeduarte

Broken tags: @saspencereid @this-is-gublerween

#spencer reid #spencer x reader #spencer x y/n #spencer x you #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds self insert #spencer reid imagine #homoose writes #tmsidk

[tomboyneedshercoffee]

Lovedust Pt.6 || Peter Parker x Stark Reader

Summary: Y/N finds out more about how the lovedust works and it leads to her realizing her biggest fears about Peter if he’s cured. 

Word Count: 4.2k

Author’s Note: There’s a lot going on right now but thank you guys for being so incredibly kind and patient with me. Shit is going to hit the fan real soon with Lovedust so stay tuned! ALSO Don’t forget to leave comments if you guys liked it or hey even if you hated it! ALSO ALSO My taglist is getting pretty big and hectic so if I missed yours, I am VERY sorry pls just message me again so I can add you asap!

Warnings: Mild language, mentions of death and nightmares, slowburn

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six ||

part seven || part eight || epilogue 

As your eyes fluttered open, you gave yourself a minute to adjust to the sound of rain hitting against your bedroom window. You closed your eyes as you inhaled deeply, your arm instinctively reached beside you to touch Peter, only to find that side of the bed empty. 

You opened your eyes again and slowly raised yourself up to turn to see that your prediction was correct and that he wasn’t next to you. You knew it wasn’t a dream, you distinctively remembered him holding you as you fell asleep but you guessed he might’ve left soon after. 

The memories of last night rushed through your head as you felt your heart drop slightly and already, you felt empty so early in the morning. You remembered everything about the nightmare but more importantly, you remembered Peter cradling you like a child as you cried in his arms. 

You couldn’t wrap your head around a single feeling to describe the thoughts in your mind. As every day passed, Peter was showing you more and more how much he truly cared for you, and the thought of him not being able to keep the same energy once he was cured terrified you. 

You loved this new Peter and how kind and compassionate he was around you. It was annoying at first dealing with the cringey pick up lines and weird comments about the two of you getting married but now that you realized there was more to those side effects, you found him even more endearing. 

It was the small things like how he sacrificed the right side of his body so that you could fit under the umbrella perfectly or how he would willingly sit through a horror movie for you even though you both knew how much he hated them. 

You even saw a change in yourself and how you treated him. The other day, you two sat side by side on the couch and shared headphones while listening to the playlist you made for him or when you would tell him a dumb joke just so you could hear him laugh. 

It was selfish to hang onto the idea that Peter would always be this kind to you but you rather savored the moments you two had together since you knew better to know that nothing in life was guaranteed. 

You felt embarrassed that he had seen you so vulnerable, especially since Peter didn’t know what happened to your parents and now, you felt like you owed him an explanation. You looked back at your clock and sighed once you saw that you had already missed the beginning half of school, you thought screw it, you were taking a mental health day. 

“ Is it senior skip day or something?” You looked up to see your dad standing in your doorway with his arms crossed over his chest in a scolding manner but once he saw your dazed expression, he dropped the act,” Y/N? Is everything okay?”

You could feel your throat tighten as you shook your head, refusing to cry again. 

“ Nightmare,” You swallowed to stop yourself from letting anymore sobs from coming out of your mouth as Tony sat next to you and put his hand on your shoulder. 

“ I know kid, I know,” Tony brought you closer to him as you hugged him tightly. 

You had told Tony about your nightmares but he was already well aware on what happened with your parents. You were still pretty young when your parents had passed and you’ve lived most of your life with Tony as a parent but that didn’t mean you weren’t traumatized over what happened years ago. 

Tony had not only given you a good home and had locked down your future, but he was always there to listen and offer help, whether it was from himself or health experts.

“ It was Peter this time,” You said softly as you felt your dad hug you even tighter,” I don’t know why but he was in the nightmare and he-he tried to hurt me...I feel so guilty, I don’t know why he was there but my brain just made him  you know?” 

“ That’s not something you can control Y/N, remember what I said, your brain just picks up on different people-unless he did something. Did he do something to you? Cause I swear-”

“ No, no Dad it was the opposite,” You sighed as you pulled away and bit the inside of your cheek,” I know you told me not to hang out with Peter but...we’ve been getting closer and I think I...I don’t know. All I know was that when he comforted me after my nightmare, I felt the safest I’ve been in a long time….Things are different now. I don’t know what I could say to convince you but please don’t get mad.” 

You looked down at your bedsheets to avoid his gaze and you weren’t sure if he was burning a stern glare at the back of your head or not. 

“ I’m not mad about Peter, I already knew you were seeing him behind my back anyway and I should’ve known you two would’ve pulled some Romeo and Juliet bullcrap. Anyway- You’re strong enough to look after yourself, hell stronger than some of these people living here and if I may speak candidly, I know you could kick his ass if he ever crossed a line,” Your dad said as you let out a small chuckle,” I want you to be safe and happy. I would prefer you feel that way without a boy in the mix but I won’t yuck your yum.”

You wrinkled your nose but you couldn’t help but smirk,” Do you think I’m strong enough to become an Avenger?” 

“ You already are,” Your dad smiled as you inhaled deeply,” but before we get too mushy, I did actually want to talk to you about the other day, you know, about Peter’s health.”

You sat up straighter in your seat as you nodded attentively at him before he continued. 

“ It’s really important that you keep this between you, me and Banner, okay? I’m gonna use some big words so keep up,” You nodded again as you felt your heart beat rapidly against your chest,” you already know this but the lovedust activates a huge amount of serotonin in the body and sometimes that can lead to some major health problems. Well, with every day that passes, he runs the risk of having a ventricular tachycardia and that’s what explained how he collapsed the other day-”

“ Hold on, he collapsed? And did you say a ventricular tachycardia? Like a heartattack?” You asked as you felt your own heart stop for a moment as your dad gave you a confused expression,” So you’re telling me the lovedust could kill him? When did this happen?”

Your dad inhaled sharply as he swallowed hard,” Yesterday afternoon. We were done running tests and Banner noticed a car pull up and I said it was your friend John-”

“Josh.”

“ Yeah sure. Then we heard a loud thud and Peter just dropped. He just fainted but still, it’s a sign that things are getting worse,” Your dad said as you felt your heart completely shatter.

You felt like it was all of your fault. Even though Peter just fainted, he could’ve hit his head and died right there and you couldn’t stop yourself from filling your head with more terrible thoughts. 

“ Oh my god, I never thought things would get this bad,” You said as you rested your forehead in the palm of your hands, trying to keep a consistent stream of thoughts but each idea made you think of Peter getting hurt,” and there’s still not a cure? What have you guys even figured out so far-it’s been almost a week!” 

You knew your dad was trying his best but all you wanted was for Peter to get better and it didn’t help that time was against everyone. Peter could suffer a heartattack at any time of day and it didn’t make you feel better than nothing was being solved. 

“ Well we have a pretty strong theory about what caused the lovedust if you’re up for hearing it,” Your dad suggested as you hesitantly nodded. 

“ Our main theory is that the lovedust is effective when the patient- Peter- makes contact with the variable-you- and since you were the first person he saw, it activated his serotonin output. So it could’ve been anyone and Peter would’ve had the same reaction,” Tony said and it was so silent for a minute that you could hear a pin drop,” why is your face pale?”

You didn’t know how much you didn’t want to hear that theory until this very moment. You weren’t even sure why you could feel your throat close up again but this news made you sink back onto your bed. 

Peter really didn’t mean anything he was saying. After all those late night talks about how in love with you he was, those were all just side effects. Those were never his thoughts. He never really loved you. 

“ Oh...that’s good I guess,” You said quietly as Tony’s pager buzzed. You could tell Tony wanted to stay and talk to you but when he looked down at the notification, it seemed pretty urgent,” you can go, I’m just gonna stay here for a little bit.” 

“ We’ll talk later, okay kiddo?” Tony patted your knee and walked past your bed, closing your bedroom door behind him. 

You stared up at your bedroom ceiling as you thought about what your dad said. Peter’s condition was getting worst but now, at least they figured out something that could help them along the way. If they could figure out the properties of the lovedust than that means they could reverse it and find a cure. 

What if you didn’t want them to find a cure? 

You almost talked yourself out of your thought and called yourself a selfish idiot in the process, the goal was for them to help Peter. This could help Peter, you reminded yourself as you got up from your bed to get dressed. 

You weren’t sure where you wanted to go but you thought that your mental health day could carry on to the outside world. 

Mad....why were you mad? 

You had no reason to be so upset and you kept reminding yourself as the elevator went down to the garage. You aggressively pressed the button to unlock your car and once you sat down in the driver’s seat, you started your car and backed out of the garage. 

It was pouring outside and while you hated driving in the rain, you just had to leave to clear your head. 

Why were you upset?

Maybe because for once in your life, you felt special. 

You stopped on the brakes and you could feel your heart sink into your chest as the rain hit against your windshield. 

You shook your head slowly before you slapped your hands against your steering wheel hard.  

Was it awful that you loved the attention you were getting and maybe, just maybe, you were starting to see Peter differently? 

You slammed your firsts against the wheel again and again as you let out a frustrated grunt through your gritted teeth. 

You were mad that Peter could die. You were mad that there wasn’t a cure. You were mad that the lovedust had ruined your life. You were content without Peter meddling in your life but now that he had left such an impression, all you wanted to do was make sure he stayed as true to himself as he was now. 

You couldn’t expect that from him. You couldn’t expect that once he was cured, he would act back to his regular douchebag self but anything was possible, he didn’t owe you anything. 

You taunted yourself as you tried to snap out of whatever this hellish tantrum you were throwing. 

Why would you be upset over a guy who had fake feelings for you all this time? 

It wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t your fault either.

Anyone. It could have been anyone. It could’ve been a sockpuppet and Peter would’ve probably tried marrying the damn thing. 

You snapped your head over to the passenger side of the door once you heard a hard tap come from the window. Once you saw it was Peter, you turned to face the front and unlocked the door without looking back at him. 

He opened the door and sat down beside you in the passenger seat without saying anything. He was soaking wet from head to toe and while you were annoyed he was getting the inside of your car wet, you had more important things to focus on. 

It was too quiet for your liking but there wasn’t anything you wanted to say to him. Frankly, you weren’t sure why you even let him in.

“ How did you sleep?” Peter asked quietly as he tested the waters.

It was clear that you were in some type of mood but Peter never knew how to approach situations like this, especially since he didn’t know why you were so upset. 

“ I slept fine, you?” 

“ Good I guess,” Peter shrugged as he shifted awkwardly in his seat,” are you okay? Are you upset about what happened last night-”

“ No,” You said truthfully as you leaned your head back against the headrest,” I mean, yes, I’m okay but no I’m not upset about last night.”

“ Well something is clearly bothering you and I just want to help. You know you can tell me anything, I mean it Y/N, we’re friends now. We shouldn’t be hiding things from each other,” Peter said as you let out a dry laugh. 

You knew you couldn’t reveal everything to Peter about what your dad had told you but it didn’t stop you from feeling angry. 

“ Okay, you want to be honest, lets be honest. When were you going to tell me that you collapsed at the lab?” You asked as you turned your whole body to face him,” my dad told me this morning.” 

Peter inhaled deeply but looked you straight in the eye,” I was going to tell you... eventually. It’s not like I had time to really sit down with you, I know you’re going through a lot right now and I didn’t want to stress you out. Besides, I feel fine now, it’s not a big deal.”

It was a big deal, he could die. That’s what you wanted to tell him. His life was at stake and yet you were keeping this big secret from him. It was hypocritical and wrong and if anyone else had told you, you would’ve revealed to Peter about his worsening condition. 

But it was your dad who told you to keep things a secret for now and you just had to trust him for both of your sakes. 

You looked at him for a moment as you studied his face while he did the same to you. It was as if you both had so much on your mind yet no one wanted to be the first one to detonate the bomb. 

“ I’m just so tired Peter. I’m tired of having conflicted feelings on whether or not this lovedust has been creating more problems than solving them… Whatever this is between us, I like it a lot but I hate feeling so pathetic to the point where I actually enjoy the feeling of having a guy give me attention only because of some space shit,” You turned your attention back to the steering wheel,” How do we carry on with our lives once you’re cured? What’s stopping you from being a complete asshole to me like before?” 

“ I told you, nothing has to change. No matter what happens, we’ll always be in each other’s lives as friends or something more. I would never treat you the way I did in the past, I swear on my life.” 

Peter could feel the energy in the car shift right as he finished speaking but there was nothing he could do to change the course of the conversation. The path had already been set and now, he just had to strap in and hope he could hang on. 

“ How am I supposed to believe that? How do I know anything you’re saying is true? Everything this lovedust has been built on is a lie, you don’t love me Peter. It’s a fucking chemical reaction that is messing with your body,” You snapped loudly but Peter hardly flinched,” your mind and body has been corrupted by a parasite. You say you love me but if you take the lovedust away, you don’t. It’s that simple.” 

“ Just because it’s a chemical reaction doesn’t mean that the way I’m feeling is a lie. I spend so many nights thinking about you and how happy you make me so for you to say that I don’t actually love you-”

“ Are you listening to yourself? You love me because of the dust, why is that so hard for you to understand? Love is supposed to be natural, this is not natural!  If the way you’re feeling isn’t a lie, look me in the eye right now and tell me, did you love me before the lovedust?” You asked as you turned back to face him,” tell me the honest truth, did you love me?” 

Peter felt like his body was burning up in the worst possible way and his throat felt dry as he thought carefully. It was so hard for him to see how terrible he was in the past because of the lovedust, all he could think when he saw you was just utter love. 

You were visibly hurt, even if you were shouting at him he could read you like a book and there was something that he knew was there but he just couldn’t figure out what it was. It felt like some sort of test that Peter had to decipher; he didn’t have all of the pieces of the puzzle so how was he supposed to get the full picture? 

“ I don’t...no. No I didn’t,” Peter said softly as you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding,” but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care about you.” 

There it was, the million-dollar answer to the million-dollar question. Of course he didn’t love you, he had tormented you for years. Your dad’s “theory” was right, the lovedust didn’t matter if he had loved you beforehand. It could’ve been anyone. 

So even if you might’ve known all along, why did it hurt and why were you upset?

“ Stop lying to me. You never cared about me, you loved humiliating me,” You said in a shaky breath,” you loved seeing me cry and you loved it when I got mad. I could see it all across your face, you loved making me absolutely miserable. So you can say you love me all you want now, but I know the truth. You don’t understand, this lovedust is ruining me, Peter. Do you know how painful it is to be tormented for years and all of a sudden, the same person is now in love with you just like that?” 

“ Ruining you? You didn’t touch the damn thing! And you want to talk about pain-Do you know how painful it is to love you?” Peter shouted as he felt his voice crack,” If I’m not near you, I feel like I’m going to die but when I’m around you, my chest feels like it’s going to burst open and it’s painful. I’m in pain right when I wake up in the morning to right before I go to sleep everyday because the mere thought of you drives me insane-” 

“ I didn’t ask for you to love me-”

“ I didn’t ask to love you either!” Peter shouted back louder, this time to make sure you would stop interrupting him,” My body feels weak all the time, I’m fucking falling apart because I love you so much. So don’t tell me that I’m lying about loving you because that’s all I feel when I look at you. Even when I’m pissed off I still love you but if you think for one second I’m going to sit here and let you attack me for my past that I have already apologized for, then I don’t want to hear it.” 

Peter gave you one last look before getting out of your car and straight into the rain. Peter slammed the car door behind him so hard to where the door completely fell off the hinges but Peter was so angry that he kept walking away. 

“ You fucking...ugh!” You screamed as you got out of your car and followed behind him. 

You were completely livid, you both were being unfair but just because he was going through a different type of pain than you didn’t mean yours hurt any less. 

You shouted after Peter but the rain was so loud to the point where you considered that maybe he just couldn’t hear you. You sped up your pace to the point where you almost slipped against the concrete. 

“ You don’t get to tell me that I can’t be mad at the past Peter when it’s only been a week since you got infected!” You yelled as you grabbed Peter’s arm to stop him from walking away from you,” Just because you apologized doesn’t mean I can let it go so easily. For years, you made me feel like I would be alone for the rest of my life because no one would ever love me!”

Peter whipped his head back around to face you as you kept a strong grip around his wrist,“ And I’m telling you now that I love you and I was a fucking idiot for hurting you. Jesus Y/N I am sorry but we’ve had this conversation before so why are you mad at me?” 

All you could focus on were his eyes, which were darting back and fourth across your face as if he was pleading with you. You had pushed him across the line so many times but now, Peter was pushing back because he just needed a clear answer. 

You both were tired of yelling and fighting and in this moment, Peter was so close to tearing down the walls you had set up for years to keep yourself safe against him. It was eating away at you because deep down, you knew why you were mad at him, you just didn’t know if you could bring yourself to let it slip out of your mouth.

The rain sounded muffled and all you could think about was how cold you were feeling. You were somewhat forcing yourself to focus on anything other than Peter but you were trapped in his desperate gaze. 

You felt your breath hitch as you could feel yourself getting choked up,” I’m mad...I’m mad because the way you feel about me right now, it’s fleeting... it’s temporary. One day when you’re cured, you’re going to stop loving me and that terrifies me.” 

Peter squeezed your hand and you didn’t even realize that while you were talking, the grip you had around his wrist had moved to interlock your fingers with his. You could feel your chest tighten as you moved your eyes down to your hands and you slowly moved your gaze to meet Peter’s. 

“ Why does it terrify you?” Peter asked softly and now it was your turn to plead with him using your eyes as if you were saying please don’t make me say it.

Maybe a part of Peter knew that you wouldn’t admit that maybe, there was something developing between the two of you that you just couldn’t bring yourself to admit. But Peter knew you well and even as he read you like a book, he wanted to hear it for himself. 

“ I’m terrified because…” You almost said it as a whisper and even Peter was having a hard time hearing you because his heart was beating so loudly,” because I…”

You swallowed hard as you looked down at his lips and even if it was just for a second, Peter caught you staring. Peter felt his knees weaken and he was seconds away from just pulling you into his arms but it was your move. 

Peter had given you all the power and while a part of him felt relieved, it didn’t stop him from reaching up and tucking a strand of wet hair behind your ear. This was the moment he had been waiting for. 

He had given you all of the puzzle pieces you needed except he saved the last one just for you. He wanted you to put the last piece in so that way you two could step back together and admire all of the hard work you put into it. 

 You would’ve. You were going to let him know everything and unravel in his arms because finally, you could let go.

You wanted nothing more than to pick up that stupid puzzle piece and slam it into the puzzle to show him you were serious. You were going to let your walls crumble down and for once, you were going to be fearless. 

But you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. 

“ I can’t,” You said softly as you let go of Peter’s hand and practically rushed back towards the building,  leaving Peter alone in the rain. 

@eridanuswave​ @juliet-winterson​ @akacalumtrash​ @ilovepeterparker13​

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[loreweaver-universe]

And that’s...the show.

Man.  What a show.  That kept me guessing all the way through.  The core mystery of is-it-magic-is-it-not really kept me going for a while there.  A compelling cast of characters, too--even the one I utterly fucking despised.

Tsukiko and Ikari’s parallel stories converging as each of them hits the breaking point and finds it within themselves to accept the way things truly are was masterfully done.  And that’s all it took, in the end--looking within oneself and no longer denying the truth defeated both of their inner demons and in the process saved countless lives.  We could all do with a bit more introspection from time to time.

“My place disappeared from this world a long time ago. The reality is that there is no place for me anymore. But that’s the reality I have to face!”

The world changes, the world moves on.  It’s up to us to decide if we want to join the new world or whether we want to wallow in our self-pity over being left behind.  That is definitely a lesson a lot of people in the modern day need to learn, and the source of no small amount of societal ills befalling us.  Words of wisdom.

As for the individual victims of Li’l Slugger...I wish we got resolutions for some of them.  Taeko in particular being amnesiac and back in the grip of her pedophile father seems a rather horrific end.  Harumi also makes me wish we’d gotten a resolution to her issues; I’ll forever wonder if she got treatment, if she resolved her DID or if it consumed her and destroyed her marriage.

Hopefully Maniwa’s getting the help he needs.  He’s in the care of a mental hospital, at least, though I don’t know how well he’s being treated.  What would you call his deal, anyways?  A psychotic break?  Paranoid schizophrenia where the paranoia part happens to be about something that actually happened?  Or is it just “Mental IllnessTM” and leaving it at that?

And...Tsukiko.  Tsukiko, who appears to have moved on with her life to some degree.  (How she managed that swim back home is beyond me.)  It’s not like anyone would...actually, hrm.  The destruction happened after all the Maromi merch in the country spontaneously vanished.  I’ll bet at the very minimum Tsukiko is the subject of some very dedicated conspiracy theory communities, even if the larger society doesn’t have enough information to put together her involvement.  Still, she’s moved on, past the disaster she was responsible for; I’m not sure what sort of consequences she should have actually seen, in a Watsonian sense, but approaching it with Doylist intent, the message of finding peace and moving on after accepting the truth trumps that.

This is the first of Satoshi Kon’s works I’ve seen, though I’d seen a copy of Tokyo Godfathers on my local library’s shelves years ago--I meant to borrow it, but never did.  Maybe I should change that; this was certainly an excellent work, one I’d happily seek out more of.

Rest in peace, Satoshi Kon.  You’ve touched the world, by all accounts, and you especially touched the patron who chose this show.

Thank you, by the way.  This was an excellent show, and your support over the past two years has helped me immensely.  I’m glad we’re friends.

Well!  That’s Paranoia Agent.  That’s the end of this particular Patron Pick; the patron opened up their spot and another took their place immediately, so in the next cycle of liveblogs you’ll be seeing something new!  It’ll be a surprise, though, since I’m sure a bunch of you are excited to see me do it.  That’ll be it for tonight; up next is going to be Baccano, which we’ll continue Wednesday.  Also, tomorrow, I’ll be completing my playthrough of Resident Evil Village on the hardest difficulty, so tune in at my Twitch channel or catch old streams on my Youtube if you’d like!

As always, thank you for tuning in, and thank you to my 62 patrons who make it so I can do this for a living!  And especially thank you to the people who have been so kind as to donate over the past few months of mental health issues I’ve been having, you’ve been lifesavers.  I’ll see you guys next time!

IN OTHER NEWS:

I recently completed my blind playthrough of Resident Evil Village!  You can see the full playlist of those streams by clicking here!

If you’d like to help me pay my rent, buy me some food, or help with my bills and medicine, please use my direct donation link!  If you’d like to support me per liveblog completed every month, please pledge to my Patreon! Becoming a patron not only allows you to vote on what shows I do whenever I choose a new one, but also grants access to the community Minecraft server to $5 patrons or higher!

You should also go pledge to Gio’s Patreon, or his Sponsus–our Discord server maintenance tech, creator of Rubybot, and community Minecraft server overlord deserves far more than I can afford to pledge to him by myself.

If you’d like more of me and my content:

My Episode Lists master page, where you can find every show and liveblog I’ve done!

My Discord server, where you can come hang out with me and other fans, check out member liveblogs, and join community gaming guilds!

My Twitch channel, where I stream variety games every so often!

My Youtube channel, where you can check out past streams!

My ask blog, where you can send me questions and comments!

My Twitter, where I make announcements about liveblogs and streams!

It’s your kindness and support that lets me do this stuff, and I wouldn’t be where I am without all of you to do it for.  Thank you all so much for your support, and for tuning in every episode!

OTHER PEOPLE YOU MAY ENJOY:

I may have been one of the earlier Steven Universe liveblogs, but a whole community of livebloggers has sprung up over the last five years!   I linked to a bunch individually for a few wrap-ups, but honestly, this end-slate is already eight billion miles long, so I’m just gonna link to my links page.  Click here if you want recommendations of other livebloggers, or other neat people, or webcomics and podcasts that I recommend.

#paranoia agent #noiabloggin #bloggin #noia26 #paranoia agent episode 13 #episode wrap up #this is screenshot #noia2171

[laurelleghuleh]

𝐁𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 | 𝐃𝐚𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐢 𝐒𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐦𝐮𝐫𝐚 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: fluff, one-shot

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬: 6.7k

𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 𝐨𝐧: Ao3, Wattpad

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: post-time skip, aged-up characters, implied/referenced sex, sensitive topics(?)

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: This is a kind of “interactive” one-shot. At some point, you’ll find the link for the playlist I’ve created for the story. It’s not mandatory, of course. The songs are mentioned and their lyrics are quoted anyways.

I tried to keep the reader as gender-neutral as possible, I hope it works.

To be honest, I wrote the first half of this one-shot at 3 am after a very deep conversation with a friend of mine about struggling with self-love as “young adults”. It wasn’t meant to be public but I felt like sharing it. I hope this will help or at least cheer you up as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Lastly, italics when Daichi sings/for the lyrics and English is not my first language, sorry for any mistakes!

Thanks for reading this, Laurelle.

---------------------------------

Taxes, laundry, rent, bills, grocery shopping, bank accounts, job interviews. These were just some of the things whose thought alone made you already shiver. Adulthood and the multiple responsibilities that had come with it scared the shit out of you, at times it completely fucked up your sleep schedule, and put your sanity at stake, but at least you weren’t alone in this. At least, you had Daichi.

You two had faced college together, one at each other’s side, and now you were again together in that new chapter of your life called adulthood.

By then, you two had been living in that little, yet cozy apartment for a few months. The Karasuno team had lent you a hand by making the move less hard, unpacking boxes and decorating the empty shelves with an unnecessary amount of frames, random objects, and souvenirs from their trips. All of this as Daichi was training at your hometown’s Police Department and as you were trying to find your place in the world, between part-time jobs and “real” job interviews.

The new routine was dull, draining, at times even overwhelming. The closer you were getting to make your dream life come true, the more your daily life felt like a nightmare. The more you felt tired, unmotivated, ultimately empty. And you couldn't help but wonder if that was really worth it anymore.

You started to slowly give up on your hobbies and passions, to spend your free time on the new couch, just spacing out, and to eventually forget about yourself. You didn’t want to sound too pathetic but life seemed to have lost its flavor. At that point, it just tasted like disinfectants and instant noodles.

Those fucking instant noodles … You thought as you looked at yourself in the mirror that evening. None of your planned outfits for that night fitted anymore, none, and at the sudden realization, that familiar smell of instant noodles rose inside your nostrils. But instant noodles weren’t really the point. Your outfits not fitting anymore wasn’t the point either. That you in that mirror was the point. That stranger. That empty shell.

The familiar boomy sound of keys twisting inside the front door’s lock, a click, and Daichi was finally home.

“I’m baaack” You heard him say - almost yell - and then saw him coming inside the kitchen to greet you.

“May I have a kiss?” He shyly asked, placing his hand on the small of your back, drawing little circles to get your attention.

“Sure,” You turned your head for a quick, soft peck on his lips, then got back to your chore.

“Still in your PJs, babe?” He commented, his voice small, clearly weakened by his long, draining day at work.

By that time, you were supposed to be ready to head out, but something in the process went wrong. On the other side of the city, a nice restaurant - highly suggested by Michimiya sometime before - was waiting for you and Daichi to arrive in twenty minutes.

“Yeah… I have to finish cooking these for tomorrow before we head out…” You murmured as your words fell down to the pot beneath you.

That wasn’t a lie, but in all fairness, you were only trying to avoid the truth. Little did you know you were about to experience what living with a future detective really meant.

Besides his professional deformation, when it came to you, Daichi never failed to sense when something was off. Even just from a slight change of your tone. He was so used to your voice that the most insignificant variation of its sound seemed to conceal a tiny, secret message only for him to decipher.

Anyways, you kept looking down, your mind somewhere else, your eyes still lost in the little fog coming from the pot. You still didn’t dare to look at him, which was rather unusual. Strange. Kind of suspicious.

Daichi rocked his head in your direction, trying to find other tangible clues for that particular case he wasn’t expecting to face once at home. Yet nothing was really out of place, except that gloomy aura all around you. Therefore, he decided to just play it cool for the moment and let you be.

Maybe he was overthinking. Maybe he was just being paranoid. The only thing that really mattered was that night to be perfect for both of you.

It wasn’t a special occasion or else, just Daichi’s first free evening after a whole month of night shifts. And in addition to that, that dinner had been meticulously planned the previous week. Nothing could have ruined it. Nothing.

Yeah, he was just being paranoid, for sure. Nothing to worry about.

Daichi moved away from you and walked towards the front door again. Then, he plugged his phone on the little speaker at the entrance and played the playlist you two loved to blast whenever you were at home, cleaning the house, or just swinging from a room to another.

And that was when everything got even more suspicious in Daichi’s perspective.

The first song came on (“Come Through and Chill” by Miguel, J.Cole, Salaam Remi ), the little bass drums slowly filling the room, vibrating from wall to wall, gradually reaching your feet through that old wooden pavement. And yet, you stayed completely still.

Suspicious .

“Everything ok?” He casually asked you from a distance, putting the phone back down on top of the speaker.

“Yeah, good, good. You?” You mumbled, trying to hide your words under the rhythm.

Even more suspicious .

It wasn’t only your voice, but your posture, your face, just your aura that seemed so… Different. Even though you two hadn’t been living together for long at that point, he could simply tell what looked ordinary and what not. You knew each other and dated since college, which at that point meant years of studying the other up close, not only as partners but firstly - and mainly -  as friends. Two best friends always looking out for one another. Those had been years of sincere trust and affection.

Funny thing was that neither of you could imagine that a casual encounter in a cafè would have taken that turn. But Suga knew. And Asahi too. Everybody knew, except you two.

One morning, the vending machine of your department was out of order, and that was just the tenth curveball of that day. It’s not even thirty past eight and I already want to go back to sleep , you sighed, walking outside the campus, looking for a cafè or something.

As fate would have it, the tiny, little-known coffee shop you found right behind the corner was Asahi’s workplace, which brought both Suga and Daichi to have their breakfast there every single morning.

Your first time there, your order was mistaken with Daichi’s, one thing led to another, and after a while, you two started hanging out frequently. Then even more consistently. Then no Asahi or Suga around. No coffee shop. Study sessions at his place. Then at your place. A movie night that actually looked and felt like a proper date. And eventually, that friendship blossomed into something else, something pretty serious.

You didn’t even realize when or how that happened, it just felt right. You two didn’t even have a real “date” for when your relationship had begun. For the sake of simplicity, you both used to count from your first kiss, both aware that whatever you two shared had started even before that, even that morning in that tiny, little-known coffee shop.

That was the type of love that comes easily, without warning, silently tiptoeing into your life.

Back in your apartment, once freed from his jacket, Daichi made again his appearance at your side, now wearing a playful look and about to hit his favorite line of the lyrics. He almost made you startle.

“Hello, stranger… It's been a minute since we last kicked it” He sang and swung around you, positioning himself right behind you to wrap you in a warm hug. Then, gingerly nestling his head in the curve of your neck, he breathed against your skin, “Now that I’m home, I’m all good… ”

Bear hugs were Daichi’s thing and also your not-so-secret Achilles’ heel, for sure. So, you just leaned in his embrace and welcomed his familiar, calming scent. But still, you didn’t have the courage to face him.

Very, very suspicious .

Your oddly detached behaviors made his brow pinch and his mind wander as he left soft pecks all over your jaw and neck. No reaction , Daichi thought, taking mental notes of your actions.

At that point, he gave you one last, gentle kiss, this time on your shoulder, right where the hem of your shirt met your skin, and then silently made a step back. Daichi’s first thought was to temporarily let you be. A quick shower and a change of clothes were very much needed after that long day. He thought he still got time to unravel your mood.

Still focused on the pot, you heard him tell you, before disappearing in your bedroom, “I’ve been thinking about tonight all day, love. I literally can’t wait to try this restaurant!”

You felt a knot in your stomach.

Why was it so hard for you to simply tell him? To simply put into words how you felt? You knew he would have understood, you knew how sensitive Daichi was, especially when it came to you. But to look so needy, so lost in his eyes made you feel just weak. Not vulnerable, not emotional, just a weak person in need. And the last thing you wanted was to look or feel like a burden to Daichi. You knew how stressed and overworked he was. That was a pretty tough period for you both and you felt like you had no right to complain. Daichi never did, and all you wanted was to be as strong as he was.

It didn’t take much for Daichi to be ready, all cleaned up and dressed for the occasion. Nothing too elegant or pretentious, he was a very casual type of guy even when it came to clothes, but that was still your night. A little more effort won’t hurt , he thought as he picked his outfit, preferring a classic, white, button-up shirt to his favorite sweater - his safe choice whenever he didn’t know what to wear.

He just wanted to look good that night, to look good for your eyes only.

Right when “Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee started, Daichi’s unmistakable cologne stood above the food’s thick smell coming from the pot. You immediately turned around.

He looked handsome, as always. The view made your belly twitch again.

“Hey hon, remember that time we went to see Spiderman with Suga, Asahi, and Kyoko?” He started to speak, crossing the room with slow strides in your direction.

“You fell in love with this song on the spot. Oh my god, I think you blasted it in the car at least ten times on our way back...” He said wrapping his arms around your waist again, making you turn and trying to initiate a slow dance with you.

“I know you’re scared of the unknown, you don’t wanna be alone” He sang, “I know I always come and go,” The lyrics hitting way too close to home, “But it’s out of my control”

At that point, he held you tight, roaming his big, callous hands all over your back as he glanced at the pot from above your shoulder.

“That looks delicious, babe. Can’t wait to eat it tomorrow. I just know it tastes as good as it looks…”

There he was again, being all supportive and loving no matter what. So damn cheesy, he could have made someone sick. But not you.

You weren’t much of a chef yourself and you knew it, but you tried your best. And Daichi appreciated it a lot. He was so proud of you, always so blindly proud. He was undoubtedly a better chef than you were, but he still left you space to experiment and try out new things.

You never thought you could enjoy cooking that much, but probably Daichi being a foodie played a role in that. A foodie, well, possibly the biggest foodie you knew. The thought alone of food could make him insane, let’s say slightly irrational like he wasn’t functioning normally.

That was at the beginning when you both had all the time in the world to even plan a food competition and invite all your friends over to eat and vote for your plates. In the beginning, when that apartment’s walls were still white and bare, when the only furniture you owned was an old red couch and several boxes with all your things still packed inside. In the beginning, when there were way fewer things to care about in your daily routine.

“It’s ready, I guess. I should turn off the stove… ” You mumbled against his chest, then turned around still sweetly trapped in his embrace.

“Then you’re left in the dust… mhmhIdon’trememberthewordsmm” He kept singing behind your back, “ You’re the sunflower, I think your love would be too-”

When the little flame disappeared under the pot, a sharp sigh accidentally left your mouth.

“Daichi…” You breathed, squeezing his right hand still gently pressed on your belly.

Daichi .

You rarely called him by his first name. You’d usually go with “love” or “babe” or whatever sweet name came into your mind at that specific moment. Daichi . “Daichi” was something like a safeword, a code for “I’m dead serious right now”, “Your mum is calling” or, like this time, “Something is wrong”.

At that signal, the Karasuno’s former captain knew exactly what to do as if a ball had just flown past an invisible volleyball net right in front of him. That was just the confirmation he needed to make his move.

Living together, making a long-term relationship works, sticking together regardless, all of these for you both were based on the little things you started to learn about one another. Most of the time failing but never giving up on the other person. And this, this was one of those “little things”.

Daichi .

Wordlessly, he went straight to his phone and turned down the music at its lowest, the songs just a light, almost unperceivable background. You turned in his direction, watching him attentively, in silence, until he beckoned you to follow him.

You did as told and walked with him towards the living room, where he guided you to sit on the couch, your right hand gently secured in his.

He sat down on his heels, right in front of you, and waited, waited for you to say something, giving you all the time you needed to process your thoughts.

Minutes passed, the music still softly playing in the background.

Spendin' all my nights alone, waitin' for you to call me

You're the only one I want by my side when I fall asleep

Tell me what I'm waitin' for

Tell me what I'm waitin' for

I know it's hard but we need each other

(“SUGAR” by BROCKHAMPTON)

When you lifted your gaze to meet his sweet eyes, like two big, dark chocolate nuggets, you still didn’t know what to say. Automatically, his lips parted to catch your attention.

“Love,” His voice so tender it literally broke your heart to keep that facade any longer.

Your lips puckered, your nostrils widened, your eyes got unexpectedly watery until the first of many tears started to run down your face. When your head fell forwards, hiding between your hands, Daichi immediately got you. His arms circled your frame, welcoming you against his chest as you kept weeping noisily.

Daichi stayed silent, his head pressed against your shoulder, moving in sync with each of your sobs.

“Let it out, babe, don’t hold it back.”

At those words, your weeps only seemed to get worse to the point you didn’t know anymore why you were crying in the first place. Maybe you just needed to let it out, to rest, and let yourself get lost in Daichi’s embrace. His warmth felt like home and it was so comforting that after a while you finally cooled down. Nothing was wrong anymore, you were safe and sound.

“When you’re ready, I’m here to listen.” He whispered.

You nodded against his skin, then drew back, revealing your puffed and reddish face. He immediately stood up and walked towards the kitchen. Once back, he kneeled again in front of you and handed you tissues and a glass of water.

“Thanks,” You murmured and then blew your nose.

Daichi just stared at you, his eyes wandering all over your figure as you shrugged and sighed. You opened your mouth only to close it a second later. You didn’t even know where to start. Your bottom lip quivered, you felt like you’re about to cry again.

“What’s going on, love?” His voice small and tender.

You sighed again and gave a quick look to the clock behind him. It was almost time to leave. Actually, at that point, you were already late. Your eyes found his again and a thought occurred to you. He looked so happy until a moment before, singing and dancing, all dressed up, ready to leave and try that restaurant. But now there he was, all worried for you, down on his knees, not caring if that position was messing and creasing his shirt.

“It’s really nothing. Just had a bad day. I should go get-” You tried to stand up, but Daichi’s hands stopped you right there, pinning you down again.

“Are you sure, that’s just it?”

You couldn’t physically bring yourself to lie to Daichi. Not even for the smallest things. Not even for a white lie.

“To be honest, I don’t really feel like going out tonight…”

His eyebrows twitched. First clue unlocked.

“That’s fine. Let me just give them a call-”

“No, no. There’s no need. We should go anyway. It’s really nothing.”

Daichi was never really fond of you being difficult, he’d rather prefer you being straightforward. But sometimes, your pride overtook you. Nevertheless, that was not the right time to point out you were being too stubborn, so he just reassured you, saying,

“Listen, it’s up to you, babe. Your wish is my command, you know that, right?”

Daichi was always so kind. From time to time, you even believed he was way too good for you. Too good, it’s almost unfair , you thought.

“Really, it’s nothing… I’ve been thinking about tonight all day too. I couldn’t wait to finally spend some time with you…”

He giggled, your sweet tone instantly reassured him, “You know we can always stay at home and just watch a movie, right? Just tell me if you don’t feel like going out and I’ll call the restaurant right away.”

“Well, it’s not that… I… I…” You sighed. You really were being too difficult that time. “To be honest, I don’t know what-” Your voice cracked, “I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Daichi leaned closer and kissed your forehead, then stood up and grabbed his phone. From a distance you clearly heard him talk to someone, apologizing and saying something else you didn’t quite catch. The restaurant , you thought. You instantly walked towards him and tried to oppose, but Daichi politely hushed you and just hung up.

“Why did you do that?” You asked him.

“Cause it seems like you can’t decide right now. The restaurant can wait, really, but whatever is going on with you cannot. And now, if you want to tell me more about it I’m here, if not I’ll just let you be, or if-”

You grabbed his hands, stopping him. Your head swung from side to side as you collected your thoughts.

“It’s just that… I don’t know where to start.” You said and plopped yourself down on the couch.

He softly asked you when that started, if you remembered what little event had possibly triggered your current mood, and suddenly the right words found their way out of your mouth.

It had just been one of those everything-goes-wrong kinds of days, no rest, and too many things to do that eventually you found yourself already in front of the closet without even realizing it. Your eyes were drained and unfocused after all those hours in front of your laptop, working, sending emails, and stuff like that. Your stomach was aching and bloating after eating the previous night’s leftovers. Your legs were sore. Your mind was blank, empty, and at the same time also full of imprecise thoughts about work, what you needed to do before heading out, the dinner, the clothes, that mirror right in front of you.

You described to him this confused overwhelming sensation you had been experiencing for the previous months and all along Daichi was carefully listening to you, nodding and humming. From time to time he tried to comfort you, saying that it was quite understandable since you both started a new, complicated chapter of your lives since there were so many things to be settled and done, etc. He even apologized if he had accidentally neglected you in some way. He was so stressed and focused on work, he barely noticed what was going on with you. But you didn’t seem to listen to his words. Every single time you just replied with the same anxious thoughts you had already said before.

At some point, Daichi interrupted you, saying, “Babe, look at me and be honest,” then grabbed your hands and looked straight into your still reddish eyes, “Do you want me to listen … Or do you want some advice ?”

That was a thing Daichi had learned with time, not only from you but also from his experience as a captain. Sometimes people just need to vent, some other times to be taken by the hand and helped, but there are also other times when people may even need both.

You sighed. “Both I guess?”

He hummed and kept listening at other incoherent stuff you mumbled next about yourself, your image, your perception of yourself, “And that damn outfit! I’ve been thinking about it all day! It was my only option and it didn’t work! I looked terrible, I could barely stand my reflection in the mirror… Why do I have to feel so miserable about a damn outfit?! And then I put my PJ back on and I thought I looked like a fucking cartoon! I wanted to hide under a blanket and just disappear… I must sound delusional right now…”

New clues unlocked.

“No, absolutely, you’re not delusional, love. But... Let me ask you this. What is really bothering you? How you look or how you feel ?”

You tilted your head and pondered his question. At that moment you realized you had never thought about it that way before. How I look or how I feel… , you kept thinking for a while.

However, you still weren’t able to unravel that truth, therefore you just kept rumbling about those stupid clothes not fitting you anymore for another solid couple of minutes.

Daichi chuckled.

“That just means you need to do more shopping, babe,” He pointed out and leaned in to pepper your neck with soft kisses. You couldn’t help but giggle as his kisses alternated with random names of your favorite shops where you two could have gone to the next day to buy something. But eventually, you lightly pushed him away, not because you really wanted to but... Something wasn’t still quite right and you didn’t know what it was. That made you feel ultimately uneasy.

Daichi drew back on his heels, his hands still on your sides, sweetly caressing your hips. He stayed there and just contemplated you as your mind spun around and other vague thoughts piled up in your head.

“So, is there something else?” He softly asked.

“I guess so… It’s not about the clothes. I think it’s me. I look so different and I feel so different, I can barely recognize myself.”

“Love, you have so many things to do, I know it’s hard to find time for you to eat clean or be active. Maybe I should propose less pizza and stuff—”

“No, no, babe, it’s not you... I just feel awful about myself.”

“You feel , but you’re definitely not. I guarantee you that.” Daichi immediately comforted you.

“You know the saying, love is blind…” You tried to joke around.

“It sure is. I could love you with my eyes closed, but even with my eyes wide open, I can’t see anything wrong with you.”

Daichi’s love confessions were sappy at their core, but his voice was always so direct and honest they always sounded like facts. And they never failed to catch you off guard. Daichi used to be shy and awkward in the beginning of your relationship. He was constantly blushing hard and messing with his sentences whenever it came to talk to you. However, with time, his affection and ways started to be so sincere and straightforward you didn’t even know how to contradict him or how to even say anything back.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes…” His tone suddenly painted with melancholy, “Then you could see how beautiful you are, how precious, how…” He felt it too. He felt he was getting too emotional, so he tried to take the edge off, coming back to his goofy side. “No, no. Rewind. You might end up dumping me. Nah nah, not gonna happen!” He muffled, hiding his head against your belly, curling up with his torso over your lap.

You couldn’t help but laugh. You loved him so much.

“Jokes aside,” He said, lifting his head and looking up at you. “Tell me, babe, is this really such a big deal? Because if it bothers you to this point, you should think about it more carefully... Can I help you in some way?”

“Honestly, I-I don’t know how you could help me,” You confessed, “I feel like I’m not taking care of myself, but I also lack motivation to actually do something about it. It’s a dog chasing its own tail, you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I get it… Well, I could encourage you, first. But then I could also help you and try to do things with you, like…” He thought about it for a couple of seconds. “What if I call Tanaka? He's a personal trainer but he also knows a lot about nutrition. He may suggest something delicious but fast and healthy for us to cook. It could be beneficial for both of us. We have been literally eating our stress away recently. You know what, I feel bloated too…” Daichi added and then proceeded to touch his tummy.

You lightly pushed him again and started to shower him with compliments. You couldn’t wrap your mind around the fact that Daichi could ever possibly be insecure about himself. He was… Daichi. He was just perfect.

He smirked at your reaction and got closer to shut your mouth with a sudden, deep kiss.

“Can I tell you a secret?” He whispered, just an inch away from your lips.

“Sure, what is it?” You said almost laughing. A secret?

“Ok, look at my pants,” Daichi said, drawing back until he stood up, right in front of you.

“Yeah, I’m looking at them and they look really good on you-” You started to say and tried to make him spin around to point out how good he looked in those dark pants. That was actually your favorite pair, you loved the way they highlighted his muscular legs, how- But he stopped you right there.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ok, thanks, but have you noticed that I’m not wearing any belt? And actually haven’t worn one in a while?”

You frowned. Where is he getting at?

“And you know why? I don’t really need one anymore. These pants stay up regardless,” Daichi confessed, giggling, “What I mean is… Look, you still like how they fit me. I still like how they fit me. I just know that you would like them even in another size. I would like them as well.”

You just stared at him, quietly pondering his words.

“Anyways, the pants are not the real point. These are just pants. Those things that didn’t fit you aren’t the real point either. You see what I’m trying to tell you?”

You did. You got what he meant, but you were still doubting yourself somehow. Because, in your mind, not fitting your old clothes was just the result of something that slipped out of your hands as you struggled to take care of anything else, except yourself. It wasn’t about your weight or the clothes, it was about losing track of yourself in the process.

“You think I’m perfect while I may, well, I am certainly not. Same goes for you. None of us is perfect, never been, never will. We are just us,” He got closer and sweetly brushed your hair behind your ears, “But for me, in my eyes, you are. And apparently, I’m too in yours. And that’s all that matters.”

Again, just straight facts.

Also, whenever he gave you one of his motivational speeches, he really looked like a captain. You could vividly picture the scene in your head, his teammates carefully listening to him, hanging off his words, right before an important match or even just a regular training session.

“I know it’s extremely cheesy to hear, but it’s also the truth. You’re perfect just the way you are and you’ll always be to me…” His voice small as he kneeled again in front of you. “Even now. Even if you feel lost. The you you’re looking for is still there, it’s not going anywhere. You just need some time and patience to find yourself again.”

You immediately cupped his face, about to tell him something, but before you could spell a single word, he whispered,

“But… But if this is a problem, something you want to change or improve, something you need some help with, then let’s do it, let’s do it together. No. Better. Let’s do it right now!”

Daichi immediately stood up and ran back to the kitchen, where you used to keep your little notebook. Once back, armed with a pen and unmovable willpower, he sat down again and opened the agenda on your lap. Going through your schedule, he noticed how packed it was, pages and pages filled with appointments and notes, but that didn’t scare him.

“Mmm… So, here’s the plan. Our lunch breaks on Monday and Friday look pretty long. We could… Meet at the park. You know, the one right after the supermarket, down the street-”

You nodded, showing him you were following him.

“We could jog a little and then eat something together! That way we’d see each other, have some fun and do something good for our health too… I know jogging doesn’t actually sound much fun, but I swear we’ll have a good time, babe. What do you think?”

Your lips curled upwards into a soft, little half-moon. You couldn’t say no to that.

“Sounds like a plan…” You simply commented.

He looked relieved and then added, “Also, remember that lunch at my mum’s next Sunday? Why don’t we just skip it and go somewhere fancy, like a spa-”

“But we promised-” You tried to object.

“Babe, I know, I know, but we can go some other time. She’ll understand.”

“Okay…”

“It’ll be beneficial for both of us, for real. To be honest, I think I’m this close to a breakdown too,” He laughed.

“You’re right, we should definitely go… You know, I was also thinking about joining some sort of club. I feel like I don't have a hobby or a passion anymore. It’s always work, work, work, the apartment, work, work, work. I feel so… Arid? Mentally. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah… Me too, I was thinking the same exact thing this morning actually… Maybe I should join a volleyball team again. Nothing serious but like a team to play with, just once in a while-”

Your eyes widened, “Oh God! Yes! Absolutely! You should definitely do that, love!”

Daichi nervously chuckled. He wasn’t expecting such an enthusiastic and energetic reaction from you, not after having seen you so blue and distant since he had come back home.

You loved seeing him playing volleyball. You still remembered vividly the times you used to sneak a peek at his practice and matches during college. The first time you saw him playing, all sweat and absorbed in the game, you did a double-take. He looked so hot.

“Alrighty, I’ll definitely think about it… Don’t worry, love, we’ll figure something out.”

“As we always did…” You added, shyly smiling at him.

That situation made you wonder. Life could be hard at times, but if you had the right people around you to rely on, to fight with, or simply talk to, it didn’t seem like that tough anymore.

“Yeah…” He smiled back and instinctively leaned forward to hug you tightly as you welcomed his frame against your chest.

After a few silent minutes, you muffled against his shoulder, “Thank you… I don’t even know how to tell you how thankful I am right now… ”

And in all fairness, there wasn’t much else to add.

“You could start by being less hard on yourself, love,” Daichi said, still pressed against you, “You’re doing so great…”

“You’re way too good to me.” You murmured back, your voice slightly above a whisper.

At your words, he brushed his head from side to side against your shoulder, silently disagreeing with your affirmation. He was just as good to you as you deserved.

Right at that moment, “Best Part” by Daniel Caesar and H.E.R. came on and Daichi thought that there couldn't have been a better time than that for that specific song to start.

He drew back from your hug and guided you to stand up with him, then walked backward to reach the center of the living room, his eyes still fixed on you.

“Siri, turn up the volume!” He ordered his phone to do as he took you in his arms.

You simply stared at him and followed his actions, like a puppet under his spell. His arms welcomed your figure and your fingers locked, your two bodies perfectly molded one against the other as you slow-danced to the rhythm, allowing yourself to utterly enjoy that moment.

A strange feeling warmed your belly, like an overwhelming wave of happiness was overtaking all your senses. Your mouth instinctively opened to shower Daichi with random compliments, words of gratitude, and all sorts of sweet nothings. He loved to be praised by you but after a while he tried to playfully hush you, holding you even tighter and whispered next to your ear a line of that song that seemed to be written right for you. Better, right for him to sing it for you.

“I just wanna see how beautiful you are, you know that I see it, I know you're a star.  Where you go I follow, no matter how far. If life is a movie, oh you're the best part…”

The music eventually faded and an hour later you and Daichi were once again in your bed, curled up in your sheets, as you leafed through Netflix’s catalog, fruitlessly. In the end, you just end up cuddling and ultimately dozing off. Nothing special had happened that night, but you felt so restored, at peace, as if everything was completely fine again.

When you woke up the morning after, Daichi was already gone. You were used to this too. No night shifts meant early shifts. But this also had its perks, like the tiny heart-shaped post-it notes he liked to leave in the bathroom for you to read them as you washed your face or brushed your teeth. The breakfast? Ready on the kitchen counter, another post-it note on top of it. And then another one, on the front door, “I can’t wait to see you at lunch <3”

At noon, you two met up at the park as planned. A little warm-up under Daichi’s careful instructions and then you were ready to start. Just a casual jog, nothing too demanding, as you enjoyed the fresh air and the good company of that day.

During the whole run, Daichi kept encouraging you like a real captain and a loyal partner would do, saying that you were doing great, that you looked very good in those leggings, that you were half done at that point, and then that you could do it, you were almost at the end at that point.

“The last lap, babe! We’re almost done!” Daichi shouted, turned his head in your direction, and gave you a wide, shining smile.

“I-I think I’m done for today…” You panted as you struggled to keep up with his pace.

“Six more minutes and we’re done! C’mon! Don’t give up!” He incited but you soon waved the white flag, signaling him your surrender.

Daichi halted and got closer to you. A strange, gloomy aura suddenly spread all around him. A mischievous grin appeared on his face right when he whispered, an inch away from your sweaty face,

“Quitters don’t get their prize, you know that?”

Your breath almost failed you, when you told him, “Yeah, yeah, you can eat my lunch, I don’t want it anymore…”

But apparently, Daichi had another prize in his mind, another type of meal .

“Mmmh, that’s not the reward I was planning to give you…” His voice sounded dangerously seductive for the location you two were at the moment. Your eyes widened at the sudden realization.

His hands slowly roamed from your hands to your shoulders, then cupped your cheeks. His tone got back to normal when he playfully squeezed your face and said, “Six minutes!”

Six minutes passed and the jog was finally over. A little picnic at the park, a quick shower together at home, and then you were good to go. Your afternoon’s tasks awaited you.

That evening Tanaka and Kyoko joined you for dinner. They were both more than happy to give you some advice, to recommend easy and healthy recipes, and to see how the apartment had changed since their last visit.

Later that night, you and Daichi were again in your bed, tired but definitely satisfied. Your back was pressed against his broad chest, your body secured in his warm embrace, your thoughts were quiet, both your body and mind at peace.

You had worked, you had jogged, you had had some fun with Daichi at the park, you had also found some time to finish that book you had forgotten on your desk. Well, actually, Daichi had been texting you during the whole afternoon to remind you to take some breaks from time to time, to have a snack or read something. The dinner with Tanaka and Kyoko had cheered you up more than planned and that full, yet satisfying day was finally over.

You were still lost in your thoughts when you felt Daichi snuggle up, holding you even tighter than before. His left arm was wrapped around your figure while the right one was on top of yours, his fingers gently rubbing your hand, then your wrist and forearm, drawing imaginary patterns all over your skin. As he got closer, ultimately closing that tiny gap between you two, his head found the crook of your neck and gently nestled in it. Then he asked you, his voice hoarse with weariness,

“So? About the jog, did you like it?”

“Weeeell, let’s say that I liked it but mainly because we did it together.” You confessed, “Would I do it alone? I don’t know… Maybe?”

“Fair enough,” He replied and placed a sloppy kiss on your shoulder, his fingers still loosely tracing your arm. Then there was silence, the room was from time to time filled only with the muffled sound of those soft pecks he kept on leaving on your skin.

“You know,” Daichi whispered at some point, between a kiss and another, “Jogging is not the only option…” He paused to clear his throat, “There are other types of activities that we could do…” Another kiss, his breath warm against your neck, his tone husky with desire when he added, “That we could do indoor…”

#daichi x you #daichi x reader #daichi headcanon #daichi sawamura #daddy daichi #haikyuu oneshot #one shot #read on ao3 #read on wattpad #spotify #i wrote this at 3am #sawamura daichi x reader #sawamura daichi #fluff

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 87

Emma

Slow dancing and kissing in the middle of the floor had been as perfect of goodbye as a goodbye could be. Sebastian had updated his playlists. There was nothing sexual. Every song was I love you, I've been waiting for you, I'm happy you're mine. Intense love songs. I felt every one. I stayed in the moment, focusing on how good this felt. We held each other, swaying to the music and alternating between my head laying on his shoulder, gazing in the other's eyes, or kissing. We were in our own little bubble. There was nothing but how his body felt against mine, how he smelled, and the look of his face. All I felt was encapsulated in a swirl of feelings. Love, joy, and a touch of sadness hiding on the edge.

The bubble burst with the knock on the door. Time to go. there was no chance of getting through this without tears. Strong emotions always bring tears. I don't fight them. Letting them out feels better. I don't think emotions are anything to be ashamed of or hide. They're also not something to manipulate others with.

At the car, we were both crying. Not holding onto each other sobbing, just tears.

Saying goodbye was hard. His "I love you. I'll miss you. I'll talk to you Later. Send nudes." broke the sadness enough to get the car door closed. I watched him slide away. I wiped away a few more tears before talking myself down. Six weeks was a long fucking time, but it wasn't forever. It would probably feel like it, however.

My solution was to avail myself of the Air France business class lounge. Two shots of tequila and I switched to wine. It went better with the cheese. I was going to have to hit the gym hard when I got home. And eat better. Not today though I was sad and there was free cheese.

As usual, I was asleep before we reached cruising altitude. I woke up with about five hours to go. Fingers crossed that helped with the jet lag. I put on my favorites playlist and read until we landed.

Emma ~ I’ve landed Sebastian ~ Yay! Emma ~ Go back to sleep. Sebastian ~ XOXO

I knew he had an early call time tomorrow. It was only five pm here in New York. Closer to seven by the time I got back to Sebastian's place. I made it long enough to throw a load of laundry into the washer and the cheese into the fridge before crawling into bed. I took over his side of the bed, sniffing the pillows to find the one that smelled most like him. I curled around it and was out.

Five am was the latest my body was going to let me sleep. That was eleven am in France. So too early for New York and kinda late for France. I grabbed my phone to take a sleepy selfie but was distracted by my text notification. Sebastian had sent me a picture of him reclining on a couch, not in our rooms, with Guiletta asleep on his chest.

Sebastian ~ Found someone new to sleep on my chest.

I continued with my original plan to take an up-close picture of my eyes peeking out over the top of his pillow. My hair was a mess, my eyes look half-asleep, and there was a faint pillow crease on my temple. Perfect.

Emma ~ I miss you too

The sun was up with a bright blue sky. Since it was Saturday the traffic at this time of day would be much less. I had a clean pair of shorts, but not a shirt. No problem. My boyfriend had t-shirts. A little big, but perfectly functional. Runners, earphones, keys and I was out the door for an early morning run.

The city was beautiful. sunlight crept around corners and over the tops of shorter buildings. I ran south past the 9-11 memorial to Battery Park. I'd always been fascinated by the metal world with tears and chunks missing. The first time I'd seen I'd said out loud, "It looks like the world blew up." I guess I wasn't far off. The sculpture had been in the World Trade Center Plaza and been damaged by falling debris. I was only eight and all I remember was my parents being glued to CNN for hours. It would be years later, when I called the city home, before I really understood. As much as a non-native New Yorker could.

The worst thing about running this early was all the stores were closed. The best thing about running this early was all the stores were closed. I admit my shopping had been out of hand. In my defense, it had been a very long time since I'd had someone to dress up for. Don't take that wrong. Beacon dates with a man or friends was an opportunity to dress up. Coming into New York to be with Angie and Eli was a good opportunity. Both opportunities I used well. Still, having a man appreciate what you wear and how you look in it is another level. I know what I look good in. I'm not changing my choices for Sebastian, or any man, but I will take his preferences into account. Shopping right now would be a bad idea. I’m sure I'm packing around a few extra pounds of cheese, bread, and wine. I'm hoping all the walking mitigated some of the damage.

On my way back, a couple of blocks from Sebastian's the city was waking up. More people and sounds. I realized tonight would be the first time I'd been alone in the city in about five years. I made plans to sit in the dark and just listen. I picked up a bagel and a smoothie that I was told would rejuvenate me. I wonder if the barista could tell? I broke into Sebastian's stash of nut butter. Half a bagel with cashew butter the other with almond. Cashew was better.

Being alone in his space is weird. None of my stuff is here. It's like a hotel, but not. I got a little nosey after I'd showered and dressed. Not in a going through his drawers and medicine cabinet nosey. Looking at his DVD and CD collection. Running my fingers down the spines of his books, pulling out ones that caught my interest to thumb through. I made a stack of things I wanted to read. I did go through his kitchen pretty thoroughly. It looks like a single man who travels and eats out a lot lives here. He doesn't have flour. How does one not have flour? He does have quite a condiment collection. I threw out expired things and made a list to replace them. That led me on a short journey to see if there was anything else he was almost out of and added things to the list.

Time to call the best friends. Angie picked up on the third ring, her voice excited to hear from me, "You're home!"

"I’m at Sebastian's. I meet with my advisor Monday."

"I want to see all the pictures and hear all the stories. We're going out tonight. Some friends are playing. You're welcome."

"Can I let you know later? I don't know what the time change is going to do."

"Absolutely. So.... " the paused after dragging out the word, "are you missing him? How was goodbye?"

"Goodbye took forever. Neither of us wanted to let go. At least half a dozen last kisses. Sucked. I miss him, but I'm okay. I'll be fine when I get home and am doing stuff. I've cleaned expired shit out of his kitchen and made a grocery list."

"That's cute. Hope he thinks so."

I hadn't thought about his opinion one way or another. I was just getting rid of shit before it stank up the place. "He won't care."

We talked for a while, deciding we'd do brunch tomorrow.

I was bored. I didn't lack for things to do, but I didn't have a routine here. Especially not without him. It didn't feel like home without him. Once I'd figured that out I was good and went about making myself at home.

I'd changed Sebastian's ringtone from "Dancing Queen" to my favorite part in "Every Time I’m With You." It was near the end after a heavy drumbeat "cause every time I'm with you I feel wanted. We could make believers if we dare. We're just two believers if we dare." It was incredible the first time we'd danced to it and it was incredible now. I heard it about six, midnight in France.

I'd barely registered his face before I heard his voice, "If I put that picture on my laptop and my laptop in the bed, I can pretend it's you."

I felt warm all over and smiled, "Yes, you can. Tell me about the first day of shooting."

"It was good. Long, but good. I'm comfortable with Jess and I like her direction." He told me stories that made me proud and made me laugh. "I did well today. What have you been up to?"

I gave him a quick rundown on my day, leaving the bit about making myself at home until last.

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I can't believe you restocked my kitchen. Thank you. Do whatever you want to feel at home."

"What if I reorganized your drawers because your way doesn't make sense?"

"Have at it. I'll just think I forget and think I did it."

"And your kitchen so it flows better."

He shook his head, "I don't know what that means. Knock yourself out."

I laughed, "I didn't do either."

I loved the lines that formed at the corners of his eyes when he genuinely smiled. Like now, "I don't care what you do. I just want you to feel at home.”

Now we were where I wanted to be, "Here's the thing... my favorite foods in your kitchen, finding where I'm most comfortable to work on my laptop, and figuring out where has the best view when I want to relax with a book are good, but it's not enough. Doing all that did help me figure what's missing."

"What's missing and where can we get it?"

"It's free and I already found it. You make where ever we are home. You're my home."

"I'm your home." He looked a little dazed.

"When you were in my place I felt at home. At your parents, I felt at home. Being at your place with you I was perfectly at home. Paris too. Now I’m back and I did things to feel at home. Took a while until I realized its missing something. You. When I'm with you, wherever we are, I’m home."

I could tell he was processing, by the way his tongue moved, "I like that."

He kept thinking, squinting his eyes a little, "I don't know if you're my home. Not sure where home is. Sometimes I don't feel at home in my own skin. I like that I’m your home." He cringed, "The next couple of weeks are going to suck for you."

I banred out a laugh, "No, once I knew what the issue was I adjusted. I'm good now."

"You don't miss me anymore?"

"Oh, I miss you a lot." Were transitioned into silly conversation.

"Ok, good."

I gasped, "You want me to suffer?"

"Terribly." His eyes were wide as he nodded his head. "So much so that when you see me again you throw yourself into my arms and hold on so tight I can't breathe."

"Therefore making you suffer."

"Yes, please."

I did end up going out with Angie and Eli. Thankfully it was a jeans sort of bar. My hope was if I stayed moving I'd fall over, get a good night's sleep, and get back on New York time. It was a good fun night.

Sunday I took a run before getting ready for Angie to come over. I'd bribed her with her favorite home-cooked meal. I had her take pictures of me in various outfits around his apartment. At one point Angie rolled her eyes, "I can not believe I'm taking pictures of you rolling around in his bed."

"Six weeks, Angie. I suck at selfies. I need a stockpile to pull from."

"What you need is a class in basic photo editing on an iPhone."

"I know."

We went back to her place, stopping for supplies on the way. A few hours later we were feasting on cilantro lime salmon,  a creamy garlic parmesan orzo, and a greek salad. I've taught Angie to cook this several times, but she tells me it's never quite right. I think she skimps on the butter and that's a big no. And a healthy splash of the Sauvignon blanc lifts the whole thing a little.

Sebastian and I exchanged texts over the course of the day. A comment or question with stretches of time between answers. Mostly from him. I got excited when an unexpected text came through. His response to my dinner picture was a request for the same meal. Maybe with his parents.

Monday was a busier day. I had to dress like a doctoral student, pack my bags, clean up after myself, and plant surprises like the notes I keep finding in my condo. Mine are more fun. The green g- string from concert night is mixed in with his boxers. A couple of dresses parked next to something they matched well. A peach tank top mixed in with his workout gear. I had Angie take a picture in each room. Printed and framed them. My favorite is me sitting on the toilet. It has a lovely frame and is now on the wall across from the throne. I wanted everything ready for me to leave for home straight from my advisory meeting

My advisory meeting lasted a little over three hours. Three good hours. Dr. Kershaw had been appointed my advisor. I'd taken a class with her while working on my Master's and my second winter in Beacon, but at the time I'd been excited to work with students and studying digital classroom technology was something I wasn't wanting to explore. I wanted to be hands-on molding little minds and still wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but I'd enjoyed working on our team's website. Google Classroom was functional but limited by design. Three hours later I had it narrowed down.

Sebastian had texted me good luck this morning with a picture of his face, eyes closed and lips puckered. I'd sent back a picture of my legs, crossed at the ankles with my skirt draped to the side, while sitting in his favorite chair. I was more than halfway home when his ringtone came through my vehicle's speaker. I hit the button, "Hey, baby."

I could hear his smile in his voice, "Sounds like your lunch went well."

"It did!" I was still excited from lunch and the phone call with Angie after. "I like my advisor. There's only ten of us in the program with the plan to add ten more each fall."

"Wow!" He interjected. "So being accepted is even more impressive."

"Yeah." I was proud of myself. "Small and first-year makes everything very personalized. All of the potential classes overlap with other programs. Cognitive theory from Psych, advanced reading from Education, some Education Law and leadership, computer tech, and even game design. We spent a lot of time talking about what I’m passionate about. In the and I’m thinking I want to focus on reading intervention and programming for K-3."

"Which is what you're passionate about."

I laughed, "and you."

"And me. Did you just talk about direction or is there a plan? What coursework did they accept."

"The fifteen hours I've taken will apply. We designed a basic timeline. I've taken six hours the last two years. I'm confident I can handle that with work and having a life. If I want to take more I can. I don't want to take classes in the summer. Those are usually compressed and pretty intense, plus I'm not in a hurry. Somewhere in the middle, I write a thesis, which looks at a problem or a hole in what already exists. That will feed into my dissertation. I can either do research and design an experiment like comparing existing programs or create my own product."

"Any idea which way you want to go?"

"None at all. I figure the thesis will help figure that out."

"And when do I have to start calling you Doctor?" The seductive tone in his voice told me "have to" wasn't going to be a hardship.

"Three to four years. No summers and using the last semester for my dissertation is four. If I add a class in a couple of semesters or summer and do my dissertation concurrently then three. I have to be done in ten. I'm thinking I’ll figure out what I want to do the first two then design and implement the last two. A lot will depend on how long that takes." He couldn't see me, but I was waving a hand in the air. "It will work itself out."

"I love you."

"I love you. Enough me, tell me about your day."

We talked the rest of the way home where we had some fun.

I called Seattle and went through it all again with Ed. He was as excited and proud of me as was Seb. I found it a little sadly ironic that my lover was in a time zone six hours ahead, my family was three hours behind, and the ones in the same time zone weren't going to know for a few days. I didn't trust them to not take away from my accomplishment, neither did Ed, which meant they'd have to wait. Hell, they barely knew I'd been in France. They'd get to know once I was finished celebrating with people who would just be happy for me. That pushed a Georgia phone call off to the weekend after the volleyball tournament. Maybe after practice tomorrow if I could get my school lunch bunch to come for drinks, I’d even buy. I had no problem funding my own celebration. I just wanted my friends there. Angie and Eli were coming for the weekend. Maybe I'd call while they were here. Eli could make angry faces while Angie tried to scold him. Then either way it went we could drink our way through. That was a good plan. I texted all involved and they agreed.

I ran back out to the grocery for fresh berries, yogurt, and wine to go with my cheese. I bought other good for detox items and healthy foods. A stopped by a smoothie shop for a raspberry white chocolate protein drink. It was amazing how quickly I slid into my summer schedule. Run to the gym to work out. Run home. Have breakfast and practice guitar. Do whatever until it was warm enough to go lay by the pool and read or float. Have dinner, meet up with friends, volleyball practice, or lay on the couch with Netflix

Sebastian and I would text sporadically throughout the day. About nine my time, so three am for him, I'd send him a picture. One Angie took or something I'd taken during the day. He always woke up to see me. Some days that was more arousing than others. We talked almost every day. Maybe five minutes or an hour. Night shoots were the worst. He was working while I was awake and I was asleep during his time off.

The weekend Angie and Eli came down was fun. Friday night we stayed in watching movies and drinking. Saturday's tournament was going well until storms came through. The radar said there were hours of rain left, so they canceled. Since all our plans had been canceled we decided on a bar crawl. Which meant Sunday was spent recovering. We went to brunch at the riverside restaurant where Sebastian and I had our first date. On the drive back I made plans for calling Georgia. Angie and Eli were my get away plan. We went out on the back patio. I set up my iPad where they would only see me, but I could see my support system.

Dad picked up almost immediately, “Hey, Emma. You’re home. Amy told us you were in France.”

“Sebastian had an event so we made it a short vacation.”

“Sounds fun.” My mom had entered the frame. “I bet you appreciated things you overlooked before.”

I laughed, “I did. All those things I saw pictures of later and wished I’d paid more attention to. We had a good time.”

“That’s great.”

Time to dive in. “I wanted to tell you some good news.”

Amy jumped into frame and interrupted, “Can I hear too?”

I ignored the question and just went on, “I was accepted into a new Doctoral program at NYU. It’s education and digital media. It’s new so we’re building my program as we go.”

“That’s great news, Emma.” Dad looked excited, “Dissertation and everything?”

“Yes, it can be research or designing a project. I’ve got about three years to get that figured out. They accepted the post-grad classes I’ve been taking.”

“Congratulations, sweetheart. We’re proud of you.” Mom’s smile was bright.

“My baby sister is going to be a Doctor. I need to figure out my future.”

I shook my head, “You’ll figure it out. What’s right for you and my beautiful niece. She’s a job and a half.”

“I am not enjoying this age.”

“That’s why I teach first grade and not kindergarten or preschool.”

We talked a bit more about school, what was going on there, and how things were with Amy and Max. Mom asked about Sebastian, where he was, and if things were good between us. Instead of shutting her down, like I had in the car, I talked about him.

Not a minute after we hung up Amy texted, “How’s Sebastian feel about calling you Dr? *wink*wink*”

I sent back, “Exactly, like that.”

I closed my tablet and looked at my friends. I was not comfortable. Sure, the conversation had gone fine, but it didn’t feel fine. “That went better than expected.”

“This time.” Eli grimaced, “Sorry.”

“That’s what makes this so hard. This looks normal, but it’s not. If it was, I wouldn’t have this not in the bit of my stomach and want friends here when I talk to them. That’s not normal.”

Angie came over to kneel beside me, bringing me into a hug, “No, it’s not. You don’t need us when you call Seattle.”

Eli joined us, “I don’t think they know what they’re doing, but it doesn’t change it, Emma.”

I laughed, “I know.” I kissed his cheek. Dealing with my parents was worse for him than it was for me. I hated seeing people I love hurt too. I wasn’t hurt though. It was a weird numb.

“You ok, Em?”

I met Angie’s eyes, “I am. Just weird. The happier I am, the more good things going on, the more distant I feel. The better I’m doing, the less supportive they are.”

“Yep!” Eli didn’t hesitate to agree. “And that’s not alright.”

I mussed his hair, “No, it’s not.”

The next week was more of the same. I registered for my fall classes and my books were delivered by Wednesday. I started reading. Yes, I'm that student. I liked to get a head start. I'd never taken classes in the fall. The first month of teaching was exhausting. It took time and energy to get first graders ready to learn. I wasn't sure how that would work with starting my classes. Getting ahead on reading seemed the safest approach.

Thursday afternoon Sebastian called. Drunk. I guess wrapping in Paris was worthy of a party. The rest of cast and crew were packing up and heading to Rome. Sebastian was flying halfway around the world to San Diego's Comic-Con. He'd spend thirty-two hours of his four day weekend in a plane, which meant he was drunk and a little grumpy. By the time I was done with him he was still drunk, but no longer grumpy. He was naked, smiling, and satisfied. Well, as satisfied as he could be over the phone. Even drunk he was insistent that he not see me masturbating for the first time on video. We should have taken care of this.

I set an alarm for the middle of the night to make sure he was awake and would make his plane. It was worth it to lay in bed together.

#Sebastian Stan #Sebastian Stan Fanfiction #fanfiction #sebastian stan X ofc #marvel actor fanfiction

[conduitandconjurer]

Hi there! I’ve lurked for a little while and just recently followed. You have a really interesting take on Klaus and I’d like to ask: what kind of things do you do to get into character so to speak? Are there any important things about his character you like to keep in mind when you write him? And as someone who has written for many years but is considering rp, any advice for a first-timer? Thanks and hope you have a wonderful day/night!

First of all you should know that I’ve been rping on various platforms for over 15 years at this point, and messages like this still MAKE MY WHOLE WORLD BETTER <33333  Thank you SO much for your gracious and generous kind words.  You took a second to extend a hello and compliment my hard work and it means so so much.

So Klaus and I are NOTHING alike, which is exactly why I choose to write muses like him.  It provides me an outlet of escape from my own life (which has its ups and downs) and it’s a creative and intellectual challenge to understand what makes a person so behaviorally different from myself tick. Most writers like to write characters who are like them.  And I do that too, but for me, I just need some single trait in a character that I resonate with. For Klaus, it’s his innate sweetness and vulnerability (which he tries and fails to conceal) and his need (and failure) to establish boundaries (with family and with ghosts), and finally it’s his fear of being insufficient as a person his family can rely upon (which he copes with by creating artificial emotional distance, and abusing substances, whereas I the mun marinate in guilt and try to overcompensate lmao).  While we’re still not alike, I can BEGIN to understand WHY he behaves the way he does, and I can build my portrayal off of that. 

Put another way, most of my muses are queer nonbinary he/him/they pronoun users, often neurodivergent, who are undergoing a moral struggle, usually somewhere in the antihero category, or even villains. I on the other hand am a queer cis disabled woman with PTSD who is a Lawful Good......and I think that, having a point for relating to but still not being exactly like my muses,  I almost begin to see myself as these characters’ mother or advocate of some kind.  I want to see them GROW and THRIVE.  From that urge, I derive the compassion that every writer needs to have for their character to (try to) portray them authentically.  

And that also means that the character is not going to remain within the bounds of their canonical portrayal. The way I write them will always START and be BASED ON that.  But the character will grow far afield of it.  Take Klaus, for instance. I sense you call my portrayal “interesting” (correct me if I’m wrong) because I choose to write Klaus as almost always post-season 2 AND sober.  He’s more at peace with himself than he was during the first season, he’s begun to properly process his grief for Dave Katz, he’s getting clean and staying clean, he’s becoming more emotionally reliable.  But he still makes mistakes, he still has the most severe, frustrating and painful (for him) case of ADHD I have ever seen, people still don’t “take him seriously” (his own words) and he has to grow a thick skin about their dismissive behavior.  

The fandom, even a number of Klaus rpers, like to keep Klaus in this depressing stasis chamber where he’s constantly nihilistic, selfish, and strung out, and a lot of people see Klaus’s addictions as the brunt of jokes, and while that’s cool for them, and I’d never ask them to censor their portrayal, that makes me uncomfortable. As a person who’s worked with, still works with, at-risk youth at the college level, I just can’t jive with it.  Addiction is an illness and it’s not funny, and there are underlying reasons for Klaus’s addictions.  And what I want to do is excavate those underlying reasons, and watch him get the support he needs. He is still a snarky, sartorial, chaotic, quirkily sweet goofball when he’s sober.  He’s still Klaus.  

Things I do to get in the headspace:

--Listen to playlists that I make for the character or mood. Music is crucial.  --Watch videos of Robert Sheehan talking. Doesn’t have to be as Klaus, but sometimes is.  If you can’t hear the character in the dialogue (not only word choose but little mannerisms and speech patterns), rewrite it. Don’t settle until you can hear the actor’s voice.   --Scream to my friends on Discord about how much I love specific elements of the character, to get psyched up. I’m so sorry, @apocalypsejumped, you are the main person I do this to with Klaus, lmfao.  

--Never EVER look at my follower count, because it’s gonna either depress or intimidate me. 

--Look at pictures of the character. I’m incredibly visual. Just looking at my own screenshots makes me want to dissect him more. 

For advice? Oh lordy!   Uhhhh..... 

Write a lot. Practice a lot. I have a PhD and have written book manuscripts exceeding 600 pages, but you don’t have to go that far, lmao. That drabble in your head at 3 am? Get up and write it down. That passing bit of funny dialogue you think your muse would say? Write it down. I used to carry around a physical journal. Now I use my laptop. 

Write fast and only edit minimally because this is for fun, avocational, and you don’t want to spoil it with too much plotting and refinement.

Drop threads that aren’t working for you. Again, this is not a job, and when it feels like one, scale back.

Resist the urge to over-format.  If your posts cease to be easily legible, the aesthetic will only impede the flow of your prose.   It’s okay to vary your writing voice character by character. My syntax, vocab/word choice, sentence length and structure, vary from one muse to the other, bc the standard rp pov is third person singular, present-tense, meaning your muse is narrating it all from their specific pov.  Klaus and say, a very serious, formal character, would not have the same internal monologue, or even exposition. 

Beware of writing partners who are passive aggressive or possessive, who get jealous of your writing with others, and guilt you for spending your time elsewhere than catering to their needs.  I spent eight years in one of these writing partnerships and only escaped last March, and I am still recovering emotionally. Writing partners can absolutely be abusive, so make sure to enforce healthy boundaries and when they are violated repeatedly, run.

Pick a blog theme that is clearly organized and accessible. 

Don’t pick “main” or heaven forbid “exclusive” writing partners until you have experimented with your chemistry with a number of “versions” of their character (especially canons).  Take your time and see who you gel with. Sometimes you can have a great friendship with someone and your writing together still doesn’t click. It all depends on chemistry.  

Pick a small group of like minded friends and write with them. Do not worry about “exposure” or “popularity,” they are over rated.  Fandoms are genuinely crazy.  Just sit in your sandbox with your trusted buddies. <3 

Anyone else reading this, chime in with some writing advice for nonnie! <3 They’re an experienced writer but new to rp! 

#save tag #Anonymous

[dogboy-willgraham]

Roadtrip

It’s finally finished! At 2,093 words, it might be one of my longest single pieces, and is definitely my longest original piece. This features my characters, Jasper a monster hunter, and his eldritch horror partner Eight. Reblogs make my day, and nice tags/comments/etc. allow you to hold my heart in your hands, and with that, please enjoy Roadtrip.

@lunarmultishine Here it is!

Eight watched Jasper pack his things, nervously tapping it’s fingers against the table. Jasper carefully set weapons under clothing, hiding them as best he could in the suitcase from anyone who might want to look inside. 

Jasper was leaving for another hunt. Eight was used to it, somewhat, it had become a regular part of life at least. It still made Eight nervous when he left, but it was minimal most of the time. Today wasn’t most of the time though, it seemed. 

“Do you really have to take a job so far away?”

Jasper sighed. “It’s not that far, I’ve been farther. You don’t need to worry about me being across the country for a couple of weeks,” 

“It’s...not that...exactly,” Eight said. “I’m worried Jasper, truly. This is more dangerous than usual, I worry about what might happen to you,” 

“You don’t need to. I can handle myself,” Jasper said, a bit defensively. 

“I don’t doubt that a moment darling,” Eight smiled. “Not a moment, but again this isn’t your run of the mill monster-” 

“It’s a monster that will happily drag me into whatever hell-hole it crawled out of and eat me like a prime steak,” Jasper finished for it. “I get that, and I’m still going, and I’ll be fine, I can handle it,” 

“You know I didn’t mean to insinuate that you couldn’t,” Eight snipped. “I’m scared,” It added, softer. 

Jasper flopped onto the couch with a dramatic sigh. “I know, I know. I’m sorry, I just don’t like you worrying over me. Makes me feel like a weight. Don’t like making you worry anyway,” Jasper muttered the last words into the couch cushion.

Eight smiled gently, and sat next to Jasper. “It’s alright,” It said. “I know it won’t make you feel much better, but you’ll have to live with me worrying over you, especially during hunts, it’s my job now,” 

Jasper snorted and flipped over. “Oh good. And what are you getting paid for this?”

“The pleasure of your company,” Eight said. “Your troublesome habits, your kisses, just you in general truly,” 

Jasper blushed and hid his face in his arms. “You...you something,” 

Eight laughed and pulled it’s boyfriend into its arms. “Is that all you have? Something?” 

“I’m not in the state to come up with anything better,” Jasper said, hiding his still flushed face in Eight’s shirt. “Leave me alone,” 

Eight laughed, pulling Jasper even closer. “Heavens, I love you,” 

“I love you too, Eight,” Jasper sighed. 

“I trust you Jasper, I trust that you’ll come home,” Eight said. “But I’ll still worry, very much,”

Jasper sighed deeply. “I’d still like to ease them, if there’s any way I can,” 

“Well, now that you mention it,” Eight grinned. 

“Oh, I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?” Jasper groaned. 

“Dearly,” Eight teased. “I would like to come with you this time, to make sure you stay safe,” 

Jasper held back a comment about how he didn’t need someone to make sure he was safe. “Who’s going to watch Majesty then?” 

“Your father?” Eight suggested. “Of course there’s always my dear friend Kady-”

“No, not Kady, never Kady, not ever Kady,” 

“What do you have against her?” Eight asked. 

“I’m afraid Majesty loves her more than me, I feel threatened,” Jasper said, dead serious. “I am not taking any chances,” 

“You’re ridiculous my love,” Eight sighed. “Your father is still an option,” 

Jasper seemed to think for a moment. “We’re actually doing this, aren’t we? You’re coming with me?” 

“If you’ll let me,” 

Jasper let out a small sigh. “I’ll call my dad,” 

Eight grinned. “Thank you darling,” 

“Mph, of course,” Jasper mumbled. “C’mon, we’ve got to get you packed,” 

“I can manipulate reality, somewhat,” Eight said. “We don’t need to pack anything,” 

Jasper stood up. “It’s part of the experience,”

“I don’t think it’s necessary I have the full exp-” Eight was caught off guard by Jasper yanking him up suddenly. 

“Nope, it is entirely necessary,” Jasper said. “You must have the full experience, even if you aren’t human,” 

Eight smiled softly, what was it to not indulge it’s human and their requests? “Alright love, lead the way,” 

“Great,” Jasper grinned a bit, breaking the illusion of burden he had earlier. “Let’s go,” 

-

Roughly an hour later, they had finished packing. The sky was slowly lightening, and it was time to get going, if they were to be within Jasper’s schedule. 

“My dad will be here later to watch Majesty,” Jasper said, climbing into the passenger's seat. “Surprised he even answered this early in the morning,” 

“Great,” Eight smiled. “Are you ready to go?” 

“Yeah,” Jasper said, then immediately added, “Are you sure you want to drive? You don’t have to,” 

“Darling, out of the two of us I’m the one who doesn’t actually need sleep,” Eight said. “I can drive,” 

“I know, I also know you get weird if you sit too long sometimes, I can drive,” 

“I’m sitting either way,” Eight pointed out. 

“You can at least stretch out in the passenger's seat,�� Jasper sighed, while being slightly displeased at the idea of how Eight stretched out. He was getting used to it though. 

“I can drive,” Eight repeated firmly. “Try to go to sleep, love,” 

“Alright,” Jasper relented. “I’ll try,” 

“I can put on some of your music if you’d like?” 

“No, just start driving,” 

“Alright love,” 

-

Jasper had managed to fall asleep at some point, and awoke with the sun fully up and in his eyes. Soft music was playing, and Jasper couldn’t quite identify what it was. 

“Good morning darling,” Eight said. 

“Mm, morning,” Jasper yawned. “Where are we now?” 

“Well, we’ve been driving for about four hours now,” Eight began. “I say we’re almost to the next state,” 

“Good,” Jasper said. “How’re you feeling?” 

“Quite well my dear,” Eight smiled. “A bit stiff, but quite well. Not unlike the nights where I watch you while you sleep,” 

“Still sounds as creepy as ever,” Jasper laughed. “But good, I’m glad,” He settled back into his seat. “By the way? What do you have playing?” 

“Oh, it’s an old friend of mine’s music,” Eight explained. “They never got popular, but they were amazing while they were around, it turns out a more than average amount of fingers really helps when playing piano,” 

“What happened to them?” Jasper asked. 

“They were burned for supposedly being a spawn of Satan,” Eight said nonchalantly. “Truthfully, they were, but it was still quite unfair,” 

“When was this?” Jasper asked, more confused. 

“Oh, about a decade ago, odd things do happen in the sparsely populated areas of North Dakota,” 

“So, let me get this straight,” Jasper said. “In a sparsely populated area of North Dakota, a many fingered Satanic spawn began playing and composing piano music, then was burned for being a Satanic spawn? By who?” 

“A few church leaders and a couple of devout followers,” Eight said. “They were quite lucky that it didn’t light any brush or trees on fire, would’ve been a right mess then,” 

Jasper groaned. “This is too much information for me to process, I just got up,” 

“You are the one who asked,” 

“I did not expect this result,” Jasper said. “So I could not have asked for it,” 

“Well, would you like me to change it then?” Eight asked. 

“It’s fine,” Jasper said. “But if you want to, I have a playlist specifically for this,” 

“Of course,” Eight let a tentacle slip out to change the music, and pulled it back into its form. “What have you even put on this one?” 

“You’ll see,” 

As soon as Jasper had stopped speaking, Animal by Neon Trees started playing. 

“I’m usually alone on long drives,” Jasper stated, a bit awkwardly. 

“It’s fine,” Eight smiled. “You should’ve met one of my previous partners, sang such things, quite obscene, for the time at least,” 

“Really?” 

“Quite so,” Eight said. “Still remember them, quite sad they were eaten by an acquaintance of mine. Lovely human, and alright horror. Such a shame they both had to go,” 

Jasper blinked. “Please warn me when you are about to tell me a story that ends like that,”

“You should be used to it by now darling,” Eight teased. 

“It’s still jarring when you just tell me your ex was eaten and then you killed the thing that killed them,” Jasper sighed. 

“Fair enough,” Eight said. “But you also do pull your horrifying tale out of nowhere from time to time,” 

“Still,” 

“I’ll try,”

“Thanks,” Jasper smiled, and Everybody Talks by Neon Trees began playing as they continued on. 

-

“Pull over there, Eight,” Jasper said, gesturing to the gas station off to the right. “We need fuel, and to stretch,” 

“I’m doing fine, we don’t have to-”

“You’ve been sitting for the past six hours, you’ve already pulled out your tentacles twice, as well as another mouth,” Jasper said. “And I need to stand as well,” 

“Alright,” Eight did as asked. 

“I’ll go in and pay, you just stay here and do your thing,” Jaser said as they pulled in. “I don’t think I’d be able to explain if you did it outside,” 

“Fair, go ahead love,” Eight was already deformed the moment the car stopped. 

“Have fun,” Jasper smiled, stepping out and shutting the door behind him. 

-

“Hi,” The clerk greeted Jasper as he walked in. “Welcome to...um, welcome,” 

“Hey,” Jasper said. “I’d like to put fifty on eight,” He set three twenties on the counter, and then a pack of cinnamon gum. 

“Alright, uh, sure,” The clerk, who’s name tag, which was actually a sticky note on top of the actual name tag, read Ethan, took the money and gum. “So...you from around here?” 

“No, travelling for work,” 

Ethan nodded. “Travelling alone?” He asked, not realizing until after that it sounded a bit strange. 

“I’m actually here with my partner,” 

Ethan seemed to perk up at the word. “Oh, that sounds nice. You two going far?” 

“Pretty far, a few states away,” Jasper said. 

“Well, I hope you and your partner have fun,” Ethan smiled. “Here’s your change, and gum,” 

“Thanks,” Jasper smiled, taking the items. “Have a good day,” 

“You too,” Ethan said. “Stop by if you ever come around again, I’d love to say hi to your partner,” 

“Will do, I’m sure it’d love to say hi to you as well,” Jasper waved before leaving. 

- 

“Alright Eight, move over,” Jasper said after he had finished filling up. “I’m driving,” 

“You sure?” Eight asked, reforming. 

“Yeah,” Jasper tossed the pack of cinnamon gum to Eight. “Even got you some gum to help with the long bouts of sitting, managed to find your favorite flavor too,” 

“Oh, thank you love,” Eight smiled. 

“Of course,” Jasper climbed into the car. “You might have heinous tastes, but I love you,” 

“Excuse me, it’s good, you just haven’t tried it,” 

“Wanna bet?” Jasper challenged. “I promise you that if I tried it, it would still be disgusting,” 

“Alright then,” Eight offered a piece of gum to Jasper. “Try it, and if you don’t hate it, you have to kiss me,” 

“If you want a kiss you just have to ask,” Jasper laughed. “But I accept your challenge, if I hate it, you have to accept it’s terrible to everyone with taste,” 

“Accepted,” 

Jasper took the piece of gum and popped it in his mouth. He chewed for a moment, not saying anything. 

“So?” Eight asked. 

Jasper sighed. “I don’t like it, I really don’t...but it’s not the worst thing I’ve tasted,” 

Eight grinned. “That means I have won darling,” 

“You have, you have,” Jasper groaned, then spitting the gum out into a garbage can. “It’s still bad,” 

“Still, it’s not as bad as you’ve been saying,” Eight grinned. 

“You’ve earned your kiss,” Jasper leaned over and kissed Eight softly. “You’ve won,” 

“Mm,” Eight hummed. “Very satisfying victory,” 

“Alright, you’ve had enough of that win,” Jasper laughed. “Let’s get going,” 

“Unfair,” Eight playfully pushed Jasper’s shoulder, but yes, let’s,” 

Poker Face by Lady Gaga began playing as they pulled out of the gas station, and continued on their trip. 

-

They had arrived at the place fourteen hours later, in the dead of night. Eight pulled to a stop in the hotel parking lot, and looked over to it’s sleeping partner. 

“Love, we’re here,” 

Jasper stirred a bit, but didn’t wake. 

Eight smiled. It came around and gently lifted Jasper from the seat, careful not to wake him. 

They could get their bags in the morning.

#original writing #ocs #jasper/eight #jasper #eight #pls rebagel #hopefully this is good #i worked hard on it #it is not beta'd or anything so please take it as it is and be gentle