#four it’s literally not her fault that she went to a public place to support her friend she should be able to do what she wants

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

People blaming Taylor for the mob of people swarming her in public places because she once held secret sessions has got to be the dumbest thing I’ve seen today.

#taylor swift #one she is not responsible for ‘fans’ actions and people need to learn boundaries #two sessions were not a public event were smallish groups and haven’t been done since 2019 #three none of the sessioners I follow on here would ever behave like that in a million years #four it’s literally not her fault that she went to a public place to support her friend she should be able to do what she wants #if people don’t know boundaries that’s their problem and on them #twitter is one of the most brain dead places I’ve seen

[im-overstimulated-and-im-sad]

Disorganized thoughts about season 2 of 911 lone star after I watched the finale that I need to put somewhere and the first season of lone star the season finale made me feel so happy and it was such good found family feels and the last three episodes of season 2 of lone star made me feel like this

Not the gif I was going for but I like knives out and it works.

And I figured out why so much of the fic for lone star has a publication date of 2020, which means it was written after or literally while the first season is airing. And the first season is ten episodes long, but they came out of the gate with so many fleshed out characters and potential in those ten episodes!

Sorry getting back to season 2- the first half of the season was good. Tommy kicks so much ass as a character, like I would say the first season is 85% perfect but Tommy is such an amazing character that I wish she could have been in season 1.

And I liked Gwyn, and it doesn’t happen a lot and yes I know it’s all fake but when you look at two characters and it’s like yes I can believe those two people created that person, like damn the resemblance between Lisa/Ronen/Rob is almost freaky it’s so good. I did not love the pregnancy storyline that was kind of a really? They’re doing this? Like I felt like actually having the baby was a mistake- they pointed out she is older for having a child and there are risks, she could have miscarried and then done the whole “we were just together because we thought we were having a baby and this may be your home now but it isn’t mine” or some shit. (I haven’t started the third season yet but I spoil things for myself so I know they kill Gwyn off which WHY- but also then why did they go through the she a has a baby storyline within someone else to kill her off? It’s just… messy.

TK becoming a paramedic- good development. The kidnapping plot and the Judd/Grace episode were all good and the team throwing the birthday party for the little boy who had no friends and TK throwing the intervention for Owen and the entire team discussing Owen while in a call forgetting he can HEAR them- all good!

And then everything came to a screeching halt.

Like I feel the Tarlos condo burning down after the 126 was sabotaged would have been good ideas… if they hadn’t inadvertently been Owen’s fault?

But that would mean dealing with the “now we don’t have to unpack ALL of that” attitude of 2x12. Here are the things that should have been dealt with:

TK and Carlos’s confrontation at the firehouse getting physical

The entire Owen being arrested being a huge set up

How the hell did Owen explain the above to TK?

Did Carlos’s dad and Owen tell Tarlos this together?

The fact that the 126 being sabotaged and then the Tarlos condo burning up was because Owen couldn’t contain his boredom. I know that’s an oversimplification but still.

All of this could have been addressed in 2x13, along with where TK and Carlos went after they were cleared by medical, like of course they went back to Owen’s place but the fact that we did not get any scenes of TK and I’m-the-most-polite-person-in-the-world Carlos living with I-have-no-concept-of-personal-space-or-anything-resembling-chill Owen and I’m-actually-a-giant-puppy Mateo, that we got no scenes of those four living together- we were robbed.

Because what did we get instead?

That did not have to happen?

TOMMY’s HUSBAND DID NOT HAVE TO DIE.

I’m sorry, one more time-

CHARLES VEGA DID NOT HAVE TO FUCKING HAVE TO DIE. IT DID NOTHING FOR THE PLOT.

Seriously- there was never a chance that Tommy was going to leave and not be their captain anymore. And honestly, her staying in the job after he had died and she did not have to, does not seem the right decision with the information she lays out!

Because if Charles’ life insurance policy was big enough to support them and she’s in her fifties and is a single mom now to two pre teens, if she did not have to work the why the fuck would she? It seems the wrong choice in that context!

But, but, if they wanted to have Gina Torres be the focus of an episode, if they wanted to make this choice, I think they could’ve done that for the finale.

In 2x13, instead of say having Tarlos on screen for TWENTY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SECONDS where they’re like “even though our living space and all of our possessions burned up less than twenty four hours ago, we have nothing more pressing to do than wander into our crispy burned up firehouse to play with a half burned foosball table and play some fucking BOGGLE.”

Instead of that, Carlos could’ve dealt with fact that he is having some feelings about what happened and that he doesn’t have these feelings often because he’s Carlos and he keeps it together and is stoic and that didn’t mean he had a fire extinguisher in the room when he needed one. Him and TK could have I don’t know fucking slept or tearfully hugged Carlos’s parents after their son almost died. TK and Owen could have, and this is just spitballing.. HAD AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION. ABOUT ANY OF THE EVENTS THAT TRANSPIRED IN FIRE EPISODE.

LIKE SERIOUSLY. PICK ANY ONE.

I have a feeling that after the first season someone went into the writers room and said “okay, we got a second season, we need less beats of people standing around talking things out. In our ten episodes you notice how often our characters just… talk to each other? About what is happening? Yeah that’s gotta stop. We need more people melting from the heat- like we need flesh literally melting off the bone like these people are gas station ribs! We need bombs made of lava to TAKE PEOPLE OUT. We need people catching themselves on FIRE”.

I would like to find that person and take them to task. Because there are so many things that happened in 2x12 that should have been talked about that just…weren’t.

What they could have done is have Charles have a health episode and then in the 2x14 Tommy could worry about his health opening the restaurant and then she could do the whole should I be working? Thing and then decided she wanted to keep her job and Charles would still be alive.

And Billy Tyson- Jesus fucking Christ.

Like again, the firehouse being threatened with closure, that is a good plot point, and it’s the end of season 2, it makes sense. But this could have done without Billy Tyson.

Like yes I know technically he just helped Owen but it’s like Owen- STOP TELLING BILLY THINGS. I really feel this is something literally anyone could have told Owen if this is still a show where people talked to each other.

And that is just some petty shit that Owen turns down the job and the deputy chief gives the job to Billy and is like “and now we’re going to close his firehouse- WITH HIS OWN BUDGET! MUHUHUHUHAHAHA!”

I’m sorry if this made no coherent sense, I was just watching the last three episodes in the second season like what the actual fuck????

Like y’all made me love these characters and then this is how you treat them?!?!

For real- in the season 2 finale, literally all Carlos did was raise his eyebrows like “why y’all like this?” while the 126 told him about Matteo’s temporary Captain almost dying- that’s all he did. In the whole episode.

And he won over Tommy’s daughters and that was cute.

But you know who should have been there?

Charles Vega-

THATS WHO.

#no i will not stop bringing that up #still salty #charles vega #should not have died #neither should gwyn #911 lone star #911lonestaredit #owen strand #carlos reyes #tk strand #tarlos #tk and carlos #tommy vega #billy tyson

[kuratoki]

Distance 03

~If you wanted to be added to the taglist for future parts, kindly send me an ask :D~

I would like to note that future parts will have Instagram/Text messages posted as a separate post but it’s still considered in the same time frame (and will be posted in order)

Shoutout to my mutual @jenoleeaesthetic​ for giving me the idea for the first part of this chapter :) She’s so precious guys and she’s been a big help with the path of Distance :) (Also tysm for putting up with my fan girling while I look for inspo pics T=T)

There wasn’t a day Jeno didn’t regret not making things official with you sooner. What he also didn’t expect was his soon to be ex best friend to act on his feelings towards you either. Now a whole continent away with a ten hour time difference, will the two of you survive the distance and all the obstacles that come with?

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Pairing: Ballerina OC x Dancer Jeno

Words: 1929

Warnings: Swearing

~Updates Ever/other day at 8AM PST~

Tag List: @mikachu-28​ @peachykrystal​ @jenoleeaesthetic​

 “What do you think you’re doing?” Yeeun whispered, grabbing Tzuyus arm and pulled her away from the door, “You know it’s rude to eavesdrop.” 

“It’s not my fault the door was open.” Tzuyu argued, she didn’t get why Yeeun was so annoyed with her lately, “I just wanted to get to know him better.” 

“Maybe if you stopped trying to flirt with him everytime he came to hang out he’d open up more.” Yeeun said and sighed, “We told you that he was off limits.”

“But you also said that they weren’t official.” Tzuyu said with a smile, “I still think I can change his mind.” 

Yeeun felt bad for Tzuyu because up until recently, she was in her position. She had entered SMAA around the same time the others had. The moment she saw Jeno dance at his first NCT showcase, she was interested. She would observe him during their shared classes and noticed how cold he was to everyone but his inner circle which only consisted of Jaemin at the time. 

Eventually, she tried talking to him and the way he treated her was the exact same way he was treating Tzuyu. She had overheard him telling Jaemin one day that if he won Nationals he would let go and finally be at peace. She didn’t know what he was talking about at the time but only knew now that he was referring to his feelings for you. After he won, she was set to make her move but then you showed up and it was as if Jeno was a different person. 

She tried so hard to hate you but she couldn’t. You were so nice to her all the time even though Jeno still acted cold and eventually she found solace in her first love Wong Yukhei and after everything thats happened, she was glad they worked things out. 

Now, she was determined to set it straight with Tzuyu to avoid any unnecessary drama within the group. Things were tense right now as is and it wasn’t worth it.

“Listen, I was in your position only months ago. It’s not worth it Tzuyu.” Yeeun started, “I thought I could change his mind too but he only ever had eyes for one person. It never changed, even after four years.” 

“Maybe you just weren’t his type.” Tzuyu said dismissively, “He seems like he needs someone who can support him.” 

“Believe me, he gets a lot of support from Y/N. That girls probably chewing him out right now for overworking himself.” Yeeun said knowing it was a topic in your last phone call, “I’m trying to tell you so you won’t get hurt. He’s not and will never see you the way he sees her. They grew up together, travelled together, they have so many memories with each other that their hearts naturally belong together. For fuck sakes, she’s all he ever talks about. He’s waiting Tzuyu, he’s waiting for the right time and when they become official, nothing and I mean NOTHING will be able to break them up.” Yeeun let out a breath, “Think carefully. Whatever your actions, there will be repercussions and it’s not a threat nor from me.” 

Looking down at her phone, she saw a text from Yukhei asking where she was. Quickly replying, she decided to make her way back to the practice room where Jeno was to see if he was done with his video call. That left Tzuyu frozen from Yeeuns rant, fist clenched as she felt anger rush inside her. Who was she to tell her that she had no chance. She would show Yeeun, she would show that she would be able to change Jeno’s mind and by the end of it, it would be Y/N who? 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, you were in your bedroom getting ready for bed. You and Renjun had accomplished a lot during the day and it was time for you to rest. You were doing your nighttime stretches, dressed in a simple tank top and shorts combo, listening to your favorite classical playlist. You took a deep breath in and slowly released as you lifted leg slightly, jumping when you felt two arms wrap around your waist.

“Gosh Jisung, make some noise next time.” you said pulling away from said person but was quickly pulled back into his arms so you were resting under his chin. You had forgotten how big the height difference was between the two of you and you heard his deep voice that he usually had when he came home from practice exhausted.

“Dance with me.” he said, resting his chin on your head, eyes closed as he lead you through the waltz, “I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve seen you and I don’t remember the last time we had any alone time together.” 

“Well you are here for training camp.” you said, swaying with him to the music, holding his hand as he twirled you out before bringing you back in, “Is it better now that Chan’s there? I heard you’re one of the top candidates.” 

“That’s the hard part. It’s like public knowledge on how I got into training camp so I feel like I have to beat the standard. It’s so stressful sometimes because I know a lot of the kids there are judging me since my dance style is different.” he said with a small pout.

“Your dance style is what got you into training camp in the first place.” you said pulling away to look your best friend in the eyes, you could see the look of exhaustion on his face and his eye bags were so deep. You wondered when the last time he got a good night sleep was knowing he would stay late in the practice rooms to go through the routines with Chan. “Everyone here and back home believe in you.”: you ruffled his hair giggling, “I believe in you.” 

Jisung didn’t know what possessed him to do it, he could’ve blamed his exhaustion since his confidence levels went up during that time but he would later realize it wasn’t an excuse when he leaned down and claimed your lips in his, only to be pushed away a second later.

You both stood there, eyes wide.

“I-I’m so sorry Y/N.” he whispered, “I shouldn’t have…”

You didn’t know what to say, your best friend of four years, someone you considered a brother just kissed you. It was the one thing you promised wouldn’t happen and your heart suddenly filled with guilt. 

“Y/N…” Jisung whispered, he was afraid. Afraid that he just ruined your friendship. The way you pushed him away was an obvious sign.

Hearing the vulnerability in his voice made you look up at him and he could see ushed tears brimming his eyes. You weren’t mad, you knew you should have validated his feelings eons ago but you didn’t want to ruin the friendship between you or make anything awkward. But here he was worried he’d messed everything.

Wrapping your arms around his waist, you gave him a brief hug. You had to get out of there, you needed to clear your mind, you needed to rid the guilt in your heart. “I’m sorry.” you whispered and grabbed the hoodie you had stolen from Jeno before you left along with your phone and keys and ran out of your room, passed a shocked Renjun and Mia who were just coming back from a night out. 

“What the fuck just happened?” Renjun asked, seeing a frozen Jisung in your bedroom. He looked at Mia and she was quick to call Chan who was on his way over. You had just run out and it was the middle of the night, it wasn’t safe for you especially in a foreign place like this. He quickly ran out after you, chasing you down the streets as you continued to run. To run to a place you knew all too well.

Just like back home, you had your own spot in London too. It was situated not far from your apartment and you were able to see some of the best sights just from sitting on the hill alone. Looking over the lights, a part of you wished you were home. For the first time in a long time you were actually feeling home sick.

Looking down at your phone, you realized that classes were about to start back home but the guilt eating at your heart was so strong that you needed to let it out. Pressing a familiar name in your favorites, you could only hope he wasn’t in class yet.

Jeno was literally seconds from walking into class when he heard the ringtone he had reserved for you. Taking a step back, he quickly answered it.

“Hey, I’m just about to head to class right now. Can I call you back later?” he asked but froze when he heard a sob.

“I’m sorry.” you whispered over the line and he began to worry. Making eye contact with Jaemin from the door, he motioned that he wouldn’t be in class today, pointing to his phone and Jaemin raised his eyebrows but nodded his head.

“Hey are you okay?” he asked gently leaning against the lockers, class had already started so the hallways were practically empty. 

“I feel so bad..” you whispered and Jeno frowned, what were you going on about.

“What are you going on about? Where are you? Are you alone?” he asked, he was the middle of the night where you were and from the background noises, it sounded like you were outside. 

“Jisung kissed me.” you whispered and Jeno completely froze and swore he stopped breathing. 

“Jeno..?” your small voice went through the line but all he could hear was his blood pounding in his ears. He could not believe Jisung had the audacity. 

“I’m here.” he let out a breath, there was no use in overreacting right now, you had called him meaning that you wanted to tell him. It was a step. “H-how? When?” 

“About fifteen minutes ago…” you muttered, “I was getting ready for bed and he came home exhausted. He were talking, dancing and the next thing you know…” you sucked in a breath, “I am so sorry…”

“Did you push him away?” Jeno asked, clenching and unclenching his fist, but his voice remained calm. 

“Of course!” you gasped, “I feel guilty enough as is...I promised you that something like this wouldn’t happen and yet…”

“It’s not your fault…” Jeno said letting out a big breath, “I just...I need to process things for a while okay? I’m not mad at you but...I’m just frustrated with everything and then this…But it’s not you. I’m gonna go and I’ll call you again later tonight okay? Please, wherever you are get home safe. Even if you have to call Renjun or Jongin or someone...I don’t want anything happening to you.” 

“I think Renjuns right behind me..” you whispered, you had felt his presence and you could hear him yelling your name from blocks away, “Promise we’ll talk tonight?” 

“I promise, Princess.” he whispered, “Take care.” 

After ending the call, Jeno clenched his fists, instinctively punching a locker out of anger. There was no way he was going to class today. He had way too much pent up energy to even think about it. Picking up his bag, he made his way out the school doors. He had a long overdue appointment with his punching bag.

#nct imagines #nct imagine #nct #nct dream imagine #nct dream #lee jeno #jeno #jisung #jaemin #kpop #kpop scenario #kpop imagines #nct scenario #nct fiction #nct dream fiction #nct dream scenario #jeno imagine #jeno fiction #jeno scenario #jeno scenarios #nct dream scenarios #kpop scenarios #nct dream imagines

[kisses-holland]

Hi!! Could you please write something about Peter Parker x Stark!reader in which he breaks up with her for her safety, but then Tony speaks to him about it and make him realize he wanna be with her? Have an amazing day! ❤️

title: these four walls

pairing: peter parker x stark!reader

warnings: sadness, heartbreak, depictions of starvation and unhealthy coping, angst, fluff

a/n:  this imagine gave me so many problems and i had to rewrite it twice and i’m not proud of this whatsoever, but thank you for the request and i hope you guys enjoy :) also, i promise i’m getting to all of your requests. it’s just taking me a while with summer school but i promise i’ll get them done soon!

peter stood shakily as he thought about what he was about to do.

you were the light of his life; his sunshine. he was so thankful for everything that you have given him. you loved him for who he was and supported him through everything.

of course he feels scared and guilty. he promised he’d never hurt you, and he was just about to do it.

“i’m doing this for her. her safety. this is for the best.” he thought. he can only keep you safe to a certain extent. being tony stark’s daughter put you in evident danger, but being spider man’s girlfriend as well? that could get you killed, and peter couldn’t bare to live if something had happened to you under his watch. he wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

he stood outside your bedroom; pacing and fiddling with his thumbs, trying to think of the right words to say without hurting you too much. but how can he not hurt you? he knows this will kill you. and he knows it’ll be his fault.

suddenly, the door to your bedroom opened, and both you and peter flinched back, surprised by each others presence.

“peter? babe, why didn’t you come inside?” you giggled, pulling him into a hug, except he didn’t hug back. your eyebrows furrowed and you stepped back. “what’s wrong?”

“uh y/n, i- i think we need to break up.” peter blurted our, eyes widening as soon as he said those words.

“what?” you said, barely above a whisper. “w-why?” voice quivering.

“i just - i just don’t feel a connection anymore. i-i’m sorry. i don’t love you like i used to.” hearing those words knocked the wind out of you, and you had no idea how to comprehend them, let alone respond.

“get out.” you whispered, slowly walking backwards towards your bedroom.

“i’m so sor-“

“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.” you knew asking peter to leave the avengers tower was a bit ridiculous, considering the fact he would room in there. but you also knew that peter had everything to lose if he didn’t listen to tony stark’s daughter, and he quickly scampered away, avoiding eye contact with steve and natalie in the main hall.

“hey kid-“ steve started, but peter had already ran out of the tower.

“hm. wonder what’s up with him.” natalie asked, not looking up from what she was working on.

“teenagers. what can ya do?” steve rolled his eyes and got back to work.

meanwhile, you had snuck under the covers, sobbing your heart out; wondering what you had done to make the love of your life not want you anymore.

no one knew what had just happened. no one knew you were weeping under your covers until you couldn’t breathe. no one knew that you felt like you weren’t enough for him. no one.

days have gone past, and you had refused to leave your bedroom, eat, and had trouble sleeping at night. everyone in the tower found out, and had tried to speak to you, but you refused to let them in, not wanting them to see you in such vulnerable state.

you had given peter everything; your love, compassion, care. why did he choose to end it with you? this overthinking thoughts in your head kept you up at night, and just thinking about getting up and walking downstairs where everyone will send looks of pity to you made you feel sick to your stomach.

not only was your health affected with peter breaking up with you, but your perfect gpa at midtown high were tarnished. you haven’t been to school in days, resulting in you missing tests and projects.

all of your peers at school were worried about you as well, asking where tony stark’s daughter had went.

even flash was worried. and when flash has feelings, that’s when you know the situation is bad.

another day had passed, and it was time your father had finally decided to break your shell.

“y/n/n, c’mon, it’s time to open the door now. c’mon, kid.” he rested his head on your bedroom door, desperately thinking of ways he can get you to open up to him. literally.

hearing the subtle whimper brought tony out of his thoughts and that was when he thought that enough was enough.

“FRIDAY, i need you to unlock y/n’s room.” ignoring the argument you had with FRIDAY where you threatened to not talk to anyone else again, FRIDAY unlocked your bedroom door, and when tony walked in, a gasp had escaped his lips as soon as he saw you. 

you lay weeping underneath your covers. there was dark circles underneath your red, bloodshot eyes. it definitely looked like you were thinner, and your hair was a ratty mess. tony could also tell that you haven’t showered in the time you were cooped up in here. and all tony could think was that this was all peter’s fault.

your whimpers slowly became sobs again, not noticing your father standing in your bedroom. quickly and quietly, tony approached you and embraced you into a tight hug, where you sobbed into his shoulder and tried catching your breathe has much as you could.

“hey, its okay. you’re okay, kid. you’re alright. breathe.” tony tried his best to calm you down. he had never seen you in a state like this, and he hated to admit it, but it terrified him. how was he supposed to help you? this was the one mission tony failed to succeed at; getting through to you. he was never the comforting type.

“i - i just, and- and peter said-” you tried explaining everything that happened, even though you knew that everyone in the tower knows already what happened. 

“shh. i already know. just breathe, kiddo. c’mon, let’s have some dinner and you can clean up and we can talk after, hm? how does that sound?” making a silent prayer and hoping you oblige, tony noticed that your sobs had decreased and you had calmed down.

“can - can you make pancakes? i’m really craving them.” you chuckled as you stood up and rubbed your empty stomach. 

“pancakes for breakfast? ew. for you? anything. c’mon sweetheart.” he placed a protective hand on your back and guided you down the hall down to the kitchen, where all the avengers were there and happy for your return. but all tony could think about, was how he needed to talk to peter himself to fix this mess.

after you had eaten, taken a shower, and talked to the others about what happened and how to deal with situations like these in a healthy way, you finally started to feel like yourself again. sam and bucky offered to bring peter in and beat him up, and thor even offered to throw his hammer at him. despite the hatred you had for the friendly neighbourhood spider-man, you knew that you would never let anyone hurt peter. you still loved him to pieces, and it would kill you if anything happened to him.

bruce had offered to help you with the homework you desperately needed to get done, and while you got started on that, tony decided to find peter, and hopefully talk some sense into the kid.

it wasn’t too hard to find the kid. he was sitting on the edge of the rooftop of his apartment building, patrolling for the evening. queens was pretty quiet, so all peter was doing was sitting and thinking. thinking about how you haven’t been at school for a week. thinking about how you probably hated him at this point. thinking about all the kids at school asking him where you had gone. it was odd, really, you had chosen to keep your relationship public at school, but private when peter was spider man. you knew that a few kids picked on peter, and despite what he said, you chose to go public at school so that no one would dare say a word to him. and no one did, and peter was always thankful for that. but now, all he gets are glares from students, kids occasionally whispering about how he hurt you. 

peter hated himself too. he did not like his decision one bit, but he had to do what was right. did he regret his decision? of course he did. does he want to get back together with you? he would do anything. 

peter was interrupted from his thoughts when he heard tony clear his throat.turning around, peter’s eyes went wide, and words couldn’t come to his mouth.

“mr stark, i am so sorry, i-” 

“i don’t think it’s me you have to apologize to.” tony got closer to him and peter was afraid that he was gonna get blasted into dust if he said one wrong thing.

“i know i made a mistake, and i have a reason, i promise.” peter felt relieved when tony didn’t blast him, but put a hand on his shoulder, urging him to sit down on the edge where he was sitting before, tony joining him. 

“kid, i know how you feel about her, and i know that you regret the choice you made. so i just have one question, why? you guys were perfect for each other, and as much as i don’t like saying this, i think you’re the one for her, pete.”all tony wanted were some answers, because by the looks of it, peter wasn’t doing well either. 

“it sounds stupid and i know i made a stupid mistake but i-i just panicked, okay? i lost my parents and- and uncle ben and i’m already worried about may and if i lost y/n, i wouldn’t be able to live with myself, mr. stark. you gotta understand.” peter was in tears now, and he felt pathetic that he was crying in front of the strongest men he knew.

tony rubbed his back and was a little shocked by how much peter wants to protect y/n, understanding why he did all of this. to protect his daughter.

“and the kids at school keep giving me hell and i’m sorry but she would get hurt because of me.” sobbing, peter hid his face into his hands, and all tony could do was run his back and tell him that he’s alright, this being the second time he had dealt with teenager problems.

before tony could say anything else, peter interrupted again, “how is she?” he asked in a hushed tone.

tony sighed, “kid.”

“no. i need to know, mr stark. how is she?” peter urged. he knew you weren’t alright. and he shouldn’t be asking because he knows the answer will just hurt him, but he needed to know.

“i think she’d feel a lot better if you see her.” with that being said, peter stood up, eyes widening.

“you really think so, mr stark?” he asked, already putting his mask on.

he nodded, “let’s head back.”

tony didn’t know for sure how you’d act with peter coming back to talk to you, but he prayed that everything would be okay with you guys.

meanwhile, tony had alerted everyone at the tower that he was coming back with peter, and soon enough, you were alone in the den doing your physics homework, stuck on a problem. you kept tapping your pencil against your chin. growing frustrated, you put your pencil down and grabbed both sides of your head, closing your eyes.

“i can help with that.” the familiar voice of your ex boyfriend caused you to flinch and turn around immediately.

“what are you doing here? i told you to leave.” you said, tears welling up in your eyes again. “please leave.” you whispered, turning around so he wouldn’t see you cry.

“please listen to me. i made a mistake- a huge one and i’m sorry.” peter begged, slowly approaching you.

you scoffed, “you’re sorry? you told me you didn’t love me anymore, and you’re sorry? yeah, cause that’ll fix every thing.” you walked towards the door, almost walking out but you were stopped when peter grabbed your wrist and turned you around.

“don’t. don’t leave please. hear me out.” with pleading eyes, he slowly let go of your wrist, but didn’t break eye contact.

“you have one minute to explain. and then i want you out.” you crossed your arms and waited for his explanation.

“fuck. i-i’m sorry, okay?! i’m sorry for breaking up with you like that, for lying to you and telling you i didn’t love you anymore. that’s far from the truth. i love you so much, y/n. i love you more than you can even imagine. you know that. i just-i got scared that you were gonna get hurt around me. i was scared that something would happen to you under my watch. i cant lose you too.” he cried, trying to hide his tears.

at this point, both of you were crying. peter had broken up with you for your safety.

“you know, nothings going to happen to me. or you. not for a long time. we have so many people who love us and are protecting us, if something were to happen to me, it would’ve already.” you sniffled, wiping your tears on the back of your hand. “but that still doesn’t excuse you what you said.”

“i know-and i’m sorry. and if you’re willing to give me a second chance i promise i’ll prove to you that i love you. i’ll help you with your homework, i’ll stay with you every night, i’ll stop patrolling for a while.” he rushed out, putting a hand through his hair, hoping you’d say yes.

you hesitated. maybe he’s telling the truth? he wouldn’t hurt you on purpose.

“okay.” you smiled.

“okay?” peter looked at you with confused eyes

“okay, i’ll give you a second chance. but that means you’ll have to earn my trust back first.” he smiled and pulled you into a hug, about to kiss you.

“can i?” he whispered.

“of course you can.” you closed your eyes and felt the soft taste of his lips that you missed again. it was a soft and sweet kiss, no tongue, but that’s okay.

you pulled away and rested your head on his chest, having your arms wrapped around him.

“ned told me that people have been bothering you at school. and i hope you know that i’m sorry and that i’m kicking their asses.” you looked up at him and smirked.

“it’s nothing. just a little glares a whispers. no big deal.” your smile suddenly turned into a frown, and you pulled him into a tighter hug.

“i’m sorry. you don’t deserve that. i promise i’ll kick their asses.” you mumbled against his chest.

peter sighed in relief, finally getting his girl back and having the tormenting at school going to a halt.

“i love you.” he mumbled, and gave a quick peck to your forehead.

“i love you too, but now you’re going to have to talk to them.” you pointed to thor, bucky, and sam who were outside the door, listening to you guys the entire time.

“shit.”

#peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker angst #peter parker oneshot #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker ff #peter parker fanfic #peter parker x you #peter parker fluff #peyer parker au #peter parker fic #tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #tom holland angst #tom holland oneshot #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland ff #tom holland fanfic #tom holland x you #tom holland fluff #tom holland au #tom holland fic

[bluedaviau]

「 cherry. rachel hilson. cis female. she/her. 」 are you ready for the time of your life, BLUE DAVIAU? the TWENTY ONE year old FINE ART graduate from tulane is ready to HOT AIR BALLOON  in DUBAI this semester. close friends would describe them as IDEALISTIC and CREATIVE, but there’s really only one way to find out. get ready for what august has in store for you, BLUE ! 「 pepper. twenty one. est. she/her. 」

ABOUT THE MUN.  the 2000 claymation film chicken run radicalized me

what up, i’m pepper, i’m twenty four, and not to flex but i’ve had writer’s block for two str8 months !! but i’m hoping to change that right here right now with one ms. blue daviau so thank you for coming on this journey with me friends it’s gonna be wild. a bit about me is i’ve gone to the mall literally every day this week and honestly, i am Exhausted from it so i apologize for the mess this intro is about to be. i’m a taurus with a libra moon and libra rising so do with that information what you will. my favourite pokemon is mewtwo. growing up i had a massive crush on danny phanton and ben 10, like i loved those lanky boys that could transform to fight crime for some reason?? i can’t tell you why. also when i was a child i thought god looked like king triton from the little mermaid. alright that is enough about me, moving on to blue. 

BIO.  if you use my coloured pencils you better put them back in rainbow order

this is going to be the short version of her bio but if you want to see the long rambly messy version you can find my google doc/app here ! which i recommend you looking at for no other reason than to see how cute the little cherry doodle i inserted in there is. it took me so long to get that in there and looking cute. it’s baby’s first fancy google doc 😌 anyways sdjhdsjh 

blue was born and raised in hawaii! her mother, stormi, was miss hawaii state at one point and her father, reggie, was a pro surfer! however before blue was born her father had a surfing accident that left him in a wheelchair. he turned to art to try to cope with the trauma of this accident and the reality of never being able to surf again, and he even opened up his own gallery! his gallery became a tourist attraction in hawaii and pretty well known in the art community and after passing down her crown blue’s mother became a news anchor. so the fact was blue was the daughter of two local legends in hawaii and the expectations were high!

not to mention the fact that all of blue’s elder siblings were amazing too. blue has five older siblings and all of them are successful in their own right and in their own niche. they’re also all named after colours funnily enough. the daviau parents had big hippy energy in case you were wondering. 

so growing up blue was always just kind of the ‘other’ sibling. all her older siblings had showed their talents at a young age and grew into them pretty quickly, while blue was just kind of... there. she was an artist, but she wasn’t a groundbreaking artist. she could sing, but her voice was simply pretty, not lifechanging. she could surf, but she was average at best. to put it simply, blue was the daviau sibling who wasn’t at all special. which ironically, made her stand out like a sore thumb. 

blue didn’t mind too much though, at least not when she was younger. she kept to herself anyways. all blue wanted do when she was younger was read, draw, and explore hawaii’s wild life, so she had everything she could possibly need to be happy right at her fingertips. life was good for her despite her inadequacy, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t aware of it (and wouldn’t develop a complex about it later).

when blue was six though her parents decided that they needed to have sweet, sweet, baby number seven to save their marriage. they named that sweet boy gray. he did not save a damn thing, but he sure was cute. blue was eleven when her parents finally divorced and that pretty much marked the end of blue having any kind of parental guidance. 

long story short, both of blue’s parents went kinda buckwild the moment they were single and most of the responsibility to take care of five year old gray fell on blue. blue was the one to make gray’s meals. blue was the one to give gray a bath. blue was the one to tuck gray in at night and get him into his school clothes in the morning. blue was the one to help him with his homework and hold his hand as he crossed the street and honestly pretty much do everything for him until she was about seventeen. both her parents simply checked out on that front, and it the end blue was more of a mother to gray than either of their parents were. 

the pressure of having to not only take care of herself but also gray when she wasn’t even legally an adult yet, was honestly way too much for blue. her anxiety skyrocketed, and the pressure she put on herself only grew. the only way blue could really cope with it and calm herself down was by 1. losing herself in nature, 2. drawing, or 3. reading, or rather most likely, doing all of the above at once. using art of an escape pretty much guaranteed that blue’s love and passion for it grew, and with that her talent for it. by that time blue was seventeen she had a full portfolio ready to send off to any university outside of hawaii that would take her. because you bet your bottom dollar your girl was getting the hell outta there!

as we all know blue got accepted to tulane. it was hard to leave gray and her family behind, but blue set her mother and father straight before she left, ensuring that gray would be well taken care of in her stead and hoping that some distance between herself and her family that was so dependent on her (her mother never new how to cook so blue made all the meals, her father never knew how to handle gray so he was always coming to blue to advice, gray was absolutely lost without her, etc) would lift that pressure off her shoulders. 

it didn’t at first. the first few months were tough with all the calls blue got from home. that plus the schoolwork she had on her plate almost left her more stressed than before. however, slowly the calls began to fade and slowly blue was able to put her full focus in her art program, and later, her animation programs. 

sorry folks my brain is fried, we’re gonna stop here!

HEADCANNONS. on all levels except physical i am sitting on top of the moon with my legs swinging back and forth

Blue’s father is in a wheelchair from the surfing accident that made him take up art. His past as a professional surfer is actually part of the reason why his gallery is so popular though honestly, because the accident was televised and after that tragedy many of his fans and the public wanted to support him. He just also so happened to be really talented. But yeah, Blue’s father was really talented at surfing, he was even invited to the summer olympics in the nineties! But he was also the type to refuse to go because ‘surfing should be freeing, the olympics have so many restrictions, it takes away from what surfing is!!’ dkjsd he was that type yk? I also imagine Blue’s parents were the type to be on the front lines at protests. As it is, Blue is the same, very passionate, definitely has made some bomb ass posters and t-shirts for every women's march she’s attended.

Blue can play the ukulele really well and she honestly has a really pretty singing voice. However she can’t dance even a little bit. Honestly, she could literally break a bone. Really wants to throw it back though 😔

Loves to bake and cook because they’re relaxing activities with built in rewards. Learned to bake and cook because of having to take care of herself and her brother's meals when she was younger, that is if she didn’t want them both to literally get diabetes. As it is though, now that she doesn’t have to worry about her baby brother’s diet as well as her own, she will make a whole chocolate cake just cause she’s a little stressed and proceed to actually eat it. But she will share though. Catch Blue coming to your hotel room with sweets.

All of Blue’s elder siblings are adults now, but Gray is still about sixteen. They exchanged letters from Hawaii to Tulane and Blue always spends hours decorating hers and including little snacks and cute little knick knacks in them, despite the fact that Gray is now an angsty teenager and does not find these things as entertaining as he used to. Despite that, they are definitely the closest out of their siblings for the most part.

Blue’s siblings' names are Sage, Jett, Jade, Ruby, Rose and of course Gray. Jade and Jett, and Ruby and Rose are both twins.

The type to cry easily honestly. Also the type to carry other people’s problems with her. Like if you tell Blue that someone hurt your feelings last week she will remember and she will check on you the next time she sees you. Very empathetic, almost to a fault though because she’s constantly being careful of everyone else’s feelings rather than her own. The type who’s a good listener though. Also the type to give either really good advice or really odd advice.  

Art still tends to be her happy place, something she got from her father. Trying to find her own place outside of her father's shadow. She wants to get into the world of animation and cartoons but the whole task is a bit daunting. Is planning to work her ass off for it though! Spends a lot of time in coffee shops storyboarding and making animations. I think she may have a contract going on with a cartoon network of some sort, like they may have picked up a show of hers? Because I imagine her putting out some of her first shorts on Youtube and that might have gotten a bit of attention and led to her getting a deal for a show, so. She’s probably working her ass off towards that, and is honestly probably 1.doubting if they really picked up her show because of her talent or her father’s name, and 2.wondering if she can really do this.

Loves water in all shapes and forms. Since she can’t go to the beach everyday, the small bath in her tiny ass apartment??? Suddenly heaven. That said, Blue is either terrified of the ocean or loves it and I can’t decide which. Standby on that.

Makes a great coffee cake. Like it’s to die for.

Is VERY passionate about the environment. Is a pescatarian. Goes to the farmers market to pick out fresh produce. Loves to hike.

Always has the urge to sketch or paint after she reads poetry or novels. Highlights her favourite bits and has the tendency to read them over when she’s sad. The parts she loves are usually the parts that leave her wanting something.

Draws when she’s sad too. Claire Saffitz energy when she’s cooking but also just through life. Very friendly, but an introvert when it comes to gathering her energy.

Lives for libraries and bookstores, and has stacks on stacks of books in her old apartment. Loves old children's books honestly, like The Secret Garden, and poetry. Like whimsical and fantastical fiction with flowery words that just brings you to another place? Blue’s freaking jam. Falls in love with someone in fiction every five days, and desperately wants to be in love in real life, hence all the tinder dates and blind dates. I don’t think Blue ever has fallen in love though, like not really.

An absolute baby when it comes to the cold. Literally there could be a slight breeze and Blue will be acting like she’s suddenly in the arctic.  Any cold destinations will be greeted by a bundled up Blue’s Clues.

Made her first painting out of her own feces at six months old. Her parents proudly framed it. It’s probably still up in the attic in their Hawaii home.

Won her first art show at six but was unsure whether it was because her art really was something worth awarding or because of her father’s name. The award got her on the front page of the Honolulu Tribune but with her father proudly at her back and the title ‘Following in her father’s footsteps’ above her head. Blue just wants to find her own footing in the art world, and be her own person.

Keeps a journal and has since she was a teenager.

WANTED CONNECTIONS. i’m the friend that needs help opening water bottles. 

coming to theatres near you soon!

#august.intro #i am too tired to write any more for now but tomorrow ??? it's over for you hoes

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

Love Me Like You Used To (part 3)

AN: Thanks so much for all the love on this. I’d love to hear what y’all think!

4.2k of reconnection

Kevin had always been nosey. Nick knew that--which is why he took a deep breath to try to calm himself down as he explained, again, to Kevin, that it wasn’t a big deal.

“Yeah, right, no big deal. No big deal that you hung out with her in public and now everyone is talking about it.”

Kevin wasn’t angry--the opposite, actually. Similarly to Joe, Kevin was more than thrilled that Nick and Y/N had reconnected. When they broke up, Joe and Kevin were also left feeling like a piece of their teen years was gone. Except neither of them had the license to mourn it like Nick.

“Kev, I need you to not make a big deal out of this.”

“Why?” He asked innocently, his eyebrows dipped together as he looked up from his phone.

“Because I already got over her--I already went through the whole process of moving on and disengaging and nothing is going on. We just had coffee.”

Joe--who’d disappeared into the bathroom--reemerged from the shut door behind them. “And a drink last night.”

“What? Okay--so when can we see her?” Kevin’s mouth pulled up at one corner his eyes flashing over to Joe to seek some support.

Nick let out a sigh, feeling like it was hopeless to try to stop it from happening. He didn’t really think it through this far--I mean, he’d kind of been wrapped up in the whole idea that suddenly he felt 17 again and his biggest concern was if Y/N liked his shirt.

“I don’t know, okay? Maybe another day.”

Both Kevin and Joe let out a laugh, amused at the way that Nick seemed to roll his eyes and let his shoulders rise and fall in a sign of defeat.

**

Y/N’s footing seemed to falter--she paused in the hallway as she fiddled with her keys in her hand. “Uh--yeah--okay. You should,” she looked around them, over Harry’s shoulder and behind her to make sure none of her neighbors had picked now to become interested in her life. “You should come inside.”

Harry stepped aside quickly, allowing Y/N access to the door so she could key into the entry. Her hands felt clammy--shaky and nervous as she could feel Harry’s presence behind her when he took in the sight of her new apartment.

Nina, thank god, wasn’t home.

Y/N dropped her bag on the table near the front door and forced a smile. “Tea? Tea. I’ll make tea.”

Harry let out a small laugh, his dimples appeared on his cheeks and caused Y/N’s heart to do a somersault in her chest. She walked away quickly, making her way over to the open kitchen with an oversized island. Harry hesitated, watching as her hair (which was much longer than when they’d broken up, he’d noticed) swayed back and forth in the pony-tail that she had at the back of her head.

When he felt his pulse slow a bit, he followed. “Yeah, thank you, tea would be great.”

Y/N reached for the box of black tea she kept in the cupboard--Harry couldn’t help but notice it was his favorite brand. Y/N reached for the kettle and turned around to fill it with water, finally allowing Harry to take a closer look at her face.

“So, how are you? What brings you--to my front door at eleven at night?” She let out a small laugh, returning the gesture that Harry had offered when he entered. Harry looked over her face--the small smile told him that while she was uncomfortable, she certainly wasn’t angry.

He almost worried she would be.

“Just--uh--was hoping to talk, I guess.”

Y/N let out a quick breath of air, turning the faucet up and bringing her eyes to Harry’s quickly. He swallowed, not exactly expecting her to give him such a gaze so early in their time together. She turned her back to him once more to set the kettle on top of the stove. Her fingers twisted the dial to turn on the burner--the flame soaring up to the bottom of the kettle quickly.

Literally waiting for water to boil, Harry thought to himself.

“About?”

“About us, Y/N,” her name sounded foreign in his mouth--she hadn’t heard the syllables come from his lips in nearly six months.

She crossed her arms over her chest, a piece of hair fell loose from her pony-tail. “Okay,” she said. “So talk.”

Harry frowned at that--he didn’t mean to, but he’d been hoping that she’d have more to say. He was hoping that after six months, Y/N would have a better idea of what had come over her and what had happened and how she felt. Harry--at least--had been doing some reflecting. He’d been thinking and journaling and talking to his friends about the way it all went down.

He had a vague idea of his feelings and his anger and now he could name the ball of emotion that landed in his stomach when they were together last. It was jealousy.

He knew what it was--he knew what to call it--because it was the same feeling he got in his gut the other night when he saw her sitting on the sidewalk with Nick.

He sighed, letting a hand rest on the counter he looked up at her once more. “I think we fucked up, honestly. I think we both gave up too easily on something that was really great.”

Y/N blinked twice, but didn’t respond--she was waiting for him to say more. She knew she fucked up--she knew from the moment Harry stormed out of the apartment and from the moment she threw her clothes and her toothbrush into one of his suitcases that she was making the wrong decision. But she wasn’t the type of person who admitted things like that so easily.

Harry didn’t like that she was quiet. He didn’t like that she stared down at the floor now--as if his words meant nothing and his presence meant nothing and he wondered (and feared) that she was thinking about him.

After another few seconds, Harry cleared his throat. “Why are you hanging out with him?”

“Why do you care?” She shot back quickly, the anger bubbling in her throat as the words crawled out, bypassing her brain and her heart and going straight for Harry’s sad eyes.

“Was that the plan? Break up with me and go moping back to your ex-boyfriend? Mr. Perfect, is that right? I know he’s just such a good guy,” Harry nearly spat the words out, his eyes were narrowed in disgust as he shifted on his feet.

“It’s not his fault that people called you out on being a flirt. It’s not his fault that the media picked up on the truth.”

“So you’re calling me a womanizer?”

Y/N brought her thumb and forefinger up to pinch the bridge of her nose, hoping to ease the tension in her head. “I’m saying that your anger is misplaced, Harry.”

Harry seemed to hold his breath, almost as if the lack of oxygen to his brain would calm his nerves or somehow lessen the feelings of resentment in the room. “I didn’t come here to fight with you.”

“No, you just came to tell me how to live my life and shit all over someone who’s important to me.”

Harry rolled his eyes at this. He was ready to respond, but he was cut off by the whistling of the kettle. Y/N turned around immediately, twisting the dial to shut off the burner as she lifted the kettle to pour its contents into the cups she’d placed on the counter.

Harry--in an all too familiar way--walked his way to the refrigerator and opened it, grabbing for the milk he knew he’d find inside. He brought it over, set it on the island, and watched as Y/N placed the teabags in the cups.

Harry tried again. “I have no idea where you’re at.”

Y/N’s hands shook as she brought both cups to the island, but Harry pretended he didn’t notice.

“You would if you had answered my phone calls.”

He dropped his gaze to the floor--the guilt washing over him like a summer rainstorm that New York seemed to get so often. She was right--they both knew that.

“You were so angry when you left I didn’t even know where to start,” he explained, watching as Y/N reached for the milk and poured some into her teacup.

“Picking up would have been good.”

Y/N wasn’t trying to be redundant. She wasn’t trying to rub it in or force an apology--she was just being truthful. Yes, things had ended on bad terms. Harry was traveling too much and spending a lot of time with other women (for work! he’d say) and Y/N was suddenly starting to feel like she didn’t know who she was by herself.

After four years with Nick and three years with Harry, she was wondering who she was behind the magazine covers and talk shows and headlines on the computer screen.

Harry’s increasing time away and Y/N’s decreasing tolerance for Harry’s flirtatious ways with female friends led to a crack in the foundation that climbed it’s way to the attic. And before either of them knew it, Y/N was screaming in the living room and throwing her belongings into a suitcase.

Harry slammed the front door after saying he needed air. Y/N called for a car and didn’t look back. Harry thought he’d come home to find her on the couch in one of his sweatshirts, her eyes bloodshot from crying and needing a bit of cuddling before they called it a night.

But when Harry got home to an empty apartment and found Y/N’s key on the coffee table, he stared at his phone, waiting for it to ring.

But a week passed, and then two. And then she called. Three times. The first time she didn’t leave a voicemail. The second time she did. The third, she hung up after the 5th ring.

It took all of Harry’s willpower to not answer.

The timeline had flashed before his eyes, and when he came back to reality, Y/N was pushing a cup of tea towards him on the granite.

“What were you going to say?” His voice was quiet--the emotion so evident that Y/N looked up at him quickly, wondering if he was on the verge of tears.

**

Nick stared at the photo on his phone. It was one of the first things she instagrammed. He scrolled down to read the caption and look at the date: July 1st, 2010.

He let out a sigh and clicked his phone shut, almost embarrassed that he was letting himself get so carried away. He’d had coffee with her--then a beer. It wasn’t a big deal.

And besides, Nick and Y/N were so different than they were four years ago. There was no way that they’d ever be a good match after things had fizzled, so, well, calmly.

If they were meant to be--and Nick was sure of this--the fire would still be ignited in his chest when his phone lit up with a text from her.

Joe had been quick to remind him that they’d agreed to be friends--so maybe Nick and Y/N could carry on with more contact than the last few years but less than they’d had as a couple. Maybe they could find a happy medium between all or nothing.

Nick was surprised though, because he suddenly felt like that was the only way Y/N knew how to be.

There was a noise by the main door of his apartment as the knob twisted and Priyanka walked in. Luckily, he’d exited out of Y/N’s instagram.

“Hey, babe,” he stood from the couch and moved to greet her by the door. She smiled up at him, her eyes scanning his face as if she could already pick up on the stress he held in his shoulders. “How was your flight? I would have met you at the airport.”

She let her arms snake around his waist as she rested her head against his chest. “No need, I made here it one piece, didn’t I?”

A wave of guilt washed over his heart--was he supposed to tell his fiance about the details of the last few days? Did he need to? Did it mean anything? And why was he asking himself so many questions as she slipped away from him and took the bracelet off of her wrist?

He’d told her enough, right? Answered the question via text and said they bumped into each other. Totally casual.

“How’s your week been?”

“Good,” he shrugged casually, hoping his Disney Channel acting days weren’t too far gone. “Pretty uneventful.”

**

Y/N seemed to watch Harry’s eyes falter, unsure if he could handle her words.

“I don’t know, Harry--that I missed you and that I was being emotional and I was hurt but that I loved you.”

Harry flinched at the past tense verbiage. She loved him--which inherently implied that she didn’t anymore. “I was a dick--I know I was. I know I wasn’t listening to you and me being away so much didn’t help.”

“Harry, I get that you have to travel. I do too. But I didn’t like the whole I’m too busy to answer the phone and my job depends on me flirting with every girl I meet thing. That got old.”

Harry didn’t admit it, but it had gotten old for him, too. There were times when he felt completely sick of the attention and the screaming and the tears that seemed to grace every interaction he had with a fan.

“I know,” he said, his voice quiet. He knew that, but he didn’t know what to say or how to fix it. “I didn’t love it, y’know. Feels like you think I ate it up.”

“I mean,” Y/N made a face, insinuating that she did think he ate it up. “You never seemed to mind kissing girls on the cheek and touching them and all of that.”

“What do y’want me to do, though? Stand there like a cardboard cutout of myself?”

Y/N rolled her eyes--annoyed by the fact that he did have a cardboard cutout of himself that could easily be a stand in. “No, but, a little bit of communication about things would be nice. Some reassurance that you don’t like them more than me would have been helpful.”

Y/N felt she’d gone back in time--like suddenly it was summer 2014 and they were fighting about their mismatched scheduled and Harry’s penchant for cheeky photos with girls their age.

He couldn’t help that their fanbase was largely female, largely around his age, and (for some reason) seen as a threat by his girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

Y/N stood across the kitchen from him, her hands around the cup of tea she’d made as she blinked a few times. “It was hard to be the person you came home to. The person who was behind the scenes and always there but never there.”

Harry nodded--completely enthralled by her words and her vulnerability. He almost felt, as he watched her, like he’d never seen her be so open and honest. He almost wished he could pause the moment and hold her, tell her that things would be alright and that he wanted--no, needed--to hear how she felt about everything.

“You have so many people throwing themselves at you--and it was hard to imagine that you’d pick me every single time.”

He felt like he got kicked in the stomach--like someone had wound up, took a good hit, and now he was breathless on the floor. He let the air leave his lungs in a huff, and suddenly, every thought was slowed and focused. He knew, with everything inside of him, that he still loved her.

“I did pick you every single time.”

“Don’t say that,” Y/N shook her head--which was certainly not the response Harry had hoped for. “You didn’t. You chose the band and the fans and the lifestyle and our relationship was sacrificed.”

“Y/N, it’s not that easy. It’s not that black and white.”

“Really?” She asked. “It feels that black and white.”

“Is you hanging out with your ex-boyfriend as black and white as that seems, then?”

Harry didn’t want to bring it there, but the words were out of his mouth faster than he could process them.

Y/N’s eyes narrowed. “It’s different, Harry.”

“How?”

“We’re not together!” Y/N nearly yelled, her voice completely raw and overwhelmed. “I can spend time with whoever I want--and I don’t need to give a shit about what you think. Especially not if you didn’t care what I thought when we were a couple.”

Harry’s hands were tight around his own drink as he tried to breathe more deeply. Y/N always did that--accuse him of not caring, not thinking about her, not loving her enough. She couldn’t be farther from the truth--Harry loved her with all his heart and always had.

But business and pleasure are hard things to balance. Y/N knew that as well as he did.

He was quiet--unsure of what to say, but completely desperate to keep their conversation going (and hopefully, in a good direction).

“Why did you come here, Harry?”

He looked up at her sad face, wondering how he’d hurt her so badly and how he’d done nothing to rectify it. He let out another sigh, which seemed to soften her expression.

“To tell you I love you, I guess.”

**

Y/N hadn’t ever legally drank with Joe Jonas. There were a few times when she ended up drunk and underage with him in the vicinity, but having a legal drink with him was something that was hard for her to wrap her head around.

“We’re old now, dude,” Joe said simply, sipping at the glass of whiskey he had in front of him. Joe’s SoHo apartment was closer to Y/N’s house than she ever knew. She recognized some of the pictures on the wall from the years they’d been close--but some of them were new. New people, new places, new pieces of her friend’s life that she thought she would have been a part of.

Joe was engaged. Y/N had new gigs right and left. They both lived in new apartments and had new friends, but still, everything felt the same.

“We’re not that old.” Y/N replied coolly, sipping the wine she had in a glass. They had Joe’s initials on them--an engagement gift she’d sent without a note when word broke online that he’d proposed to Sophie.

“I’m engaged, Nick’s engaged, Kevin has two kids,” he made his argument, watching as Y/N traced the etched lettering on the glass with her finger.

“Don’t remind me. You’re all on track--I’m not.”

“You’re not not on track, Ming,” he used her nickname that he’d settled on almost a decade ago. Based on her love of Chinese food--and apparently, 19-year-old Joe’s blatantly insensitive stereotyping--he’d settled on it one day when she showed up to the studio to bring them dinner.

“I broke up with my boyfriend and now he’s trying to get me back, I think. Meanwhile I’ve reconnected with you idiots,” she motioned over to Kevin--who’d stepped away from the kitchen to say goodnight to his daughters on the phone. “My whole life rewinded like five years and I’ve got no clue what to do.”

“Yeah,” Joe sighed. “Nick is just as weirded out by all of it.”

“Is he?” Y/N asked, curiosity getting the best of her as she took the last sip in her wine glass. She felt like Nick was handling everything so well--like their conversations and connection hadn’t even affected the stoic kid with curly hair.

“He literally listed like fifteen different things we couldn’t say to you tonight,” he laughed. “He’s been freaked out, I think.”

“What did he say not to say?” a smirk tugged at her face, knowing she’d get information out of Joe just like she always had.

He let his shoulders rise and fall, implying that it was nothing serious. “Don’t embarrass him, don’t bring up the time he fucked up your anniversary, don’t recount all the stupid things that we did as kids.”

Y/N smiled, grateful that she’d made so many memories with people with such big hearts. “So--what’s the scoop on Priyanka, then? Do you like her?”

She hadn’t wanted to ask. In fact, she’d told herself in the car on the way over that she’d just let it come up naturally. She told herself, ideally, that either Kevin or Joe would bring it up and she wouldn’t even have to ask anything.

A smile crossed Joe’s face as he nodded slowly, Y/N wondered if he was hesitant to break the news. “She’s a really good fit for him. She’s really great.”

Y/N forced her lips to curl upwards, nodding softly to appear supportive. It wasn’t that she wasn’t. It wasn’t that she was pining over her ex-boyfriend (who she dated as a kid, practically). It was more that Nick had moved on, Joe had moved on, Kevin had clearly moved on.

Everyone had seemed to move on. Except for her.

**

Nick knew that Joe and Kevin were having dinner with Y/N tonight--which is why he conveniently left his sweatshirt at Joe’s apartment the night before. He was in the backseat of a car, two blocks away from his brothers house and ready to ride the elevator up to the top floor.

He had no idea, really, what it would be like for all of them to be in the same room. It had to have been a good seven years since it had last happened. And he’d told Priyanka the night before--he told her how strange it felt to be reconnected with someone who’d meant so much to him.

He was honest about his confusion and his hesitance, but he was also honest that he loved his fiancee more than anything, despite the feelings he had for Y/N. She was the most important person in my life, he’d told her. You don’t just stop caring about someone.

And Priyanka understood for the most part. She understood that Nick felt bad for the girl who was heartbroken and lonely and seemed to have lost her way. She felt oddly jealous of the fact that someone who her fiance hadn’t kissed since they were teenagers had a hold on his heart after all this time.

Which is why Nick planned on suggesting they all have dinner. Y/N would surely want to see Danielle and meet his daughters. She’s want to meet Sophie and maybe she’d even have some interest in meeting Priyanka.

So when Nick’s knuckles rapped on the door and an unsuspecting Joe opened the door, Nick offered a shit-eating grin. Joe narrowed his eyes, suddenly aware of exactly what his brother was up to, but he stepped aside to let him in anyway.

“Nice of you to join us,” Joe greeted, causing both Kevin and Y/N to look over from their spots on the sofa.

“Hi, hey, what are you doing here?” Y/N seemed to fumble for words as Kevin watched on with an amused expression.

“Left my sweatshirt,” he pointed to the black fabric that laid on the big dining table--on the other side of the apartment. “Figured I’d get it before I headed home for the night. I was out with Priy.”

“You could have just asked to hang out with us, Nick,” Kevin raised his eyebrows at his brother, earning an eye roll from Nick as he looked over to Y/N.

“How are you, though?”

“Good,” she smiled a bit, picking up on the tension between the brothers but rolling with it anyway--after all, she’d grown used to it.

“Won’t you join us for a drink, Nick?” Joe seemed to force out the words, amused by Nick’s plan and the fact that Y/N was extremely casual despite it.

Nick clucked his tongue and looked down at his watch--as if he wasn’t waiting for the invitation. “I don’t know, it’s late, but--I guess I’ll stay for one.”

Y/N stood to walk over to the kitchen, fetching a glass for Nick as Kevin got the bottle of whiskey. When silence fell over the apartment, Nick spoke. “Priyanka was saying she’d love to meet you, Y/N. I thought maybe we could all have dinner. Dani and Sophie, too.”

Y/N looked up at her ex-boyfriend--the first one she spoke to this week. She felt torn--happy that people she loved and cared about were doing well, but sad that they’d moved on without her and that she wasn’t part of the picture.

There were six of them now--a unit that seemed to move in sync. She’d been close with Danielle when she was younger--when she was part of that unit. But now Dani had new friends--new girls to talk with at family dinners and new confidants when it came to commiserating over the schedule of a boyband.

“Yeah,” she nodded, ignoring the ache in her chest for a time she couldn’t get back. “I would love to.”

#harry styles fanfic #nick jonas fanfic #nick jonas fan fiction #harry styles fanfiction #jonas brothers fanfic #jonas brothers fan fiction #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles fic #nick jonas fic #nick jonas writing #harry styles writing #just for fun!!!

[mariposalass]

Deep Pain, Deep Sorrow

Summary: The day he died the first time has come, and Philip is having nightmares of reliving the events in his mind. It is not really great, not great at all.

Setting: Mari and co.’s house in Daly City, California, present day midnight; Weehawken Dueling Grounds in Weehawken, New Jersey and the Church family house in New York City, New York, November 20-24, 1801.

Notes: Written up in the last minute in commemoration of RL Philip Hamilton’s death by gun dueling on this day 218 years ago. There are Hamilton musical spoilers and mentions of death, guns, & blood loss along with slight mention of alcohol & hate speech against Alexander Hamilton: if you’re not comfortable with any of them, then skip this and finding something more cheerful instead. Although the ending doesn’t end on a sour note though… Also tagging @husband-of-lucoa​ since I’m basing this on a RP we had on Discord with Marina’s old life dilemma before as a main theme.

Tags: character death, mention of guns, salty language, mention of blood and blood loss, existential crisis, Defying Time, Renewed Potential, Hamilton: An American Musical, Hamilton spoilers, implied mention of alcohol, hate speech, George Eacker bashing (if this is a thing), real life history

It all started with a speech, a goddamn speech on the Fourth of July nonetheless. Bloody Eacker had all the nerves to bash his father like that: no respect to the man who had to work hard from a rough life of illegitimacy and having one parent died & another far away to help bringing a nation out of the shackles of Great Britain’s control, in front of a bunch of people wanting him dead literally or otherwise, poor Theo’s figuratively blind and ambitious father included. Surely, if that fool had known the man personally much longer, maybe it have been less abrasive, but no, he was a foolish twat. 4 months had passed since that slanderous speech and he & an old friend, Stephen Price, had confronted him, both younger men being under some alcohol for some reason, in the Park Theater about that rancid work of words. A verbal fight has borne out of this confrontation and the final straw came in the form of that bastard calling him and Stephen ‘rascals’, which had the young men to challenge him in a dueling match.

Back then, most men, even the smartest and most noble of the lot, wouldn’t simply settle things in a calm and logical manner; with pride on the line, they dealt arguments with small death machines, guns loaded with bullets that could spell death to the unfortunate person on the other side. Eacker would take on Price first a day after, then him on the next day. Four shoots were heard across in Weehawken, but no one died that day. The next day came, and it was him against the foolish twat; with some advice from his father, he had started it with a delope, throwing his first shoot, a move that would ultimately cost him life. Eacker had done the same, for a fool like him, it too was a smart move then.

A minute later, neither one dared to make a move, but then, Eacker aimed for him and shot him above the right hip and into the left arm; he did shot back, but the bullet was useless. The fired bullet from Eacker’s gun was lodged to his arm, spasms came in involuntarily. Everyone was wondering and panicking while Eacker was blindly soaking in this false victory, yet he knew that the victory that fool was enjoying is fleeting and was trying his best to remain calm and collected as Death is slowly arriving at his doorsteps and he was bleeding profusely. Soon, word was spread of the duel and he was then rushed to Aunt Angelica and Uncle John’s house in the city center; Angelica, while still shocked by her nephew’s misfortune, wrote that his attitude during this trying time was unbelievably remarkable for a 19 year old nearing Death.

Horrified by the news of what Eacker did to his firstborn son and rocked by anxiety & worry like every responsible caring parent would, Alexander rushed to Dr. Hosack’s home to ask for medical help, only to learn that the good doctor was already ahead of him at the Church residence by this time, staying with his family to recover before heading to his sister in law’s place. By the time he and Eliza reached him, he was paler than the moon itself, his face ashen from the near loss of blood, almost haggard in appearance.

The older Hamilton was in despair, sobbing and clutching Dr. Hosack by the hand & salted tears running down from his watery eyes, and the middle Schuyler sister, pregnant with her final child at 3 months, even more distraught than she would let on. Pulse was faint, but still heard by Alexander, and yet time was running out for his eldest son. They had stayed by his side all the night along, 14 hours and a confession of faith later however, Death has taken Philip Hamilton away from the world and from his family at 5 AM. Only 19 years old.

He had bolted up from his bed after so many flashes running across his mind, waking up screaming and causing his roommate Ahkmenrah to wake up from his slumber as well. His horrified screams could be heard all over the house, alarming everyone trying to get a good night’s rest. The former pharaoh was startled by the stressful look in his friend’s face and checked if he was okay. Philip honestly couldn’t hide how he was feeling, but didn’t explain it to him fully until everyone else went inside their shared bedroom.

Mari has never seen him this stressed out (beside crunch time on news article deadlines and getting confused over modern day things) in the 11 months they have been together, she had sat beside him and sheepishly held onto his hand as a calming measure. Kirby, saddened to see him in the state he was in, flew onto his bed and hugged him by the side of his torso.

“Hey, what’s happening to you, mate?” Harry questioned him, sensing that there must be something that left him this freaked out.

“Yeah, we want to know why,” Kairi chimed in.

“Come on, Philip, there is never a bad thing to admit it,” Mari gently reminded him, “We’re all ears for you.”

“Nightmares, those nightmares of that duel, agh!” he groaned in agony, “I never thought of reliving those awful memories of it all over again. I didn’t expect it to send my family on a downward slope after that. It was horrible to think about it in your sleep.”

“Well, you told us all about it many times for a long time now, still there is no need to hold back just because of some a-hole trying to peg down your dad like that and shoot you in return,” Mari sighed, not knowing what else to say in return and trying to fight back in tears from her eyes.

“Philip, please don’t feel bad about that. I know that it was very foolish of both you and that Eacker guy to try to shoot each other over a speech and just sort those issues out yourselves, but honestly, I didn’t think that it was all your fault,” Issa tried to reassure him, “Besides, he’s already dead and probably regretting that he shouldn’t harass your father with that speech in the first place.”

“Your father sounds like a very important man indeed, Philip,” Ahk pointed out, “You and your siblings must have looked up to him so much. He have done some messed up things in the past like that affair thing, yes, but never a horribly terrible person at all. I would have loved to ask him questions about how he helped out in freeing and growing this nation and independence with several like-minded men.”

“Poyo...” Kirby sniffed in sympathy as he cried.

“Look, Philip dear. The past is the past, we know that we couldn’t turn back the hands of time to stop it from happening, even the Doctor couldn’t stop it in a couple of cases whenever he goes time-traveling. But it doesn’t mean that you should never be defined by those events. You got this second chance in life and you can still enjoy life even more than ever, so you shouldn’t worry about everything the second time around,” Mari calmly reassured her dearest beloved before remembering something similar that had happened to some friends a year ago, “Funny enough, this whole situation you’re in is quite similar to Marina’s case: Dyl’s friends at the Fortress Team found her unconscious by the sea and couldn’t find anyone willing to pick her up and look after her until Dylan and Lucoa (and later Lady Palutena) stepped in and took her into their large family. Even she was struggling with recovering from her past mistakes for some time, but since you came back and befriended her, she doesn’t have to worry too much about them. She still gets nightmares once in a while, but beyond that, she is doing well.”

“Well, I suppose that I should follow her example then?” he meekly asked her and everyone else in the room.

“I don’t see a problem with that, Pip,” Issa smiled back in response, “She was the first person to reach out to you since you made that public reveal of your return, so she is likely to listen all about it.”

“Since you did in a way helped her recover from her past mistakes and get help from her folks, perhaps we can contact Dylan, Lucoa, and Lady Palutena by morning and see if she can drop by to help you out as well,” Harry added, “Or you can talk to me as well. I have been through a lot of trauma in my life as well, especially with the Killing Cruse, the Horcrux Hunt, the Battle of Hogwarts, and after I disown my canon realm for good. Seriously, if you have some nightmares again, just let us know: we’re all here for you and Mari is always there for you as much as you’re always there for her.

The kind support and reception he is receiving are too overwhelming yet welcoming as everyone gathered around him to give him a warm hug, Mari’s being the tightest of all. He never felt this much closer to home than with this unlikely group of people, animals, and what have you, but it is probably true in a way. It might tempting to ask Ahk to bring his folks back to the world of the living, but that would too much hassle and trouble to ask for. The whole 11 months felt like quite a wild ride for sure and yet it is the most fulfilling he has ever lived through, and he couldn’t ask for more than find his place among these strange modern day waters and have an amazing life with his new unlikely ‘family’ and his beloved darling.

The End

#my writings #Defying Time #Renewed Potential #Philip Hamilton #Hamilton: An American Musical #romantic f/o #warning: guns #warning: character death #warning: blood #warning: angst #fanfic writing #fanfic #fan fiction #fan fic writers #fan fic writing #writers on tumblr #self shipping #self ship #self insert #my f/os #fan fic #oh god this is going to suck #this is going to suck and break my heart

[tried-to-write]

We Got Married (but maybe I don’t wanna be)

Pairing: MoonSun

Summary: She did it for the publicity, it was a pretty well known show after all.

or

Yongsun, Byulyi, and Eric through WGM.

Chapter: 1/3 - Kim Yongsun

Links to alternate websites if you don’t like reading on tumblr: AO3 AFF

Yongsun’s first thought when her manager had told her about the offer was that it was a good opportunity to make herself, and by extent Mamamoo, more well-known, considering that the show was quite a hit all around the world.

Her next thought was if she would make a good wife, or if she would just tarnish the group's reputation by being on the show. She was shy and not a very good actress. She was unsure if she would be able to get along well- or at least act like she did- with a virtual stranger.

Finally, her thoughts jumped to Byulyi, the woman she's had a growing crush on ever since they cleared up their initial misunderstandings. While Yongsun didn't want to be too hopeful, her best friend's recent behaviour made her feel like her crush wasn't as unrequited as she had thought. Would Byulyi be fine with her going on this show?

Yongsun told her manager that she needed more time to think about the offer. The virtual marriage would take up quite a bit of time in her life and was sure to disrupt their schedules so she wanted to discuss it with her members first. Although really, while it was a legitimate concern of hers, her main priority was to see Byulyi's reaction.

Her manager gave no resistance, but Yongsun didn't miss her strong encouragement to go on the show, reiterating several times how popular the show was and how much recognition Mamamoo would gain from being on it.

When Yongsun brought it up after practice later that day, Wheein and Hyejin were supportive as ever, as she had expected, and Yongsun pretended not to be disheartened when Byulyi just grinned and agreed that it was a wonderful idea. Guess her crush was in fact one-sided then, seeing how unaffected Byulyi was by how she was essentially getting married to another man.

Too hurt she had been to see the strain behind that smile.

They were distant after that, for a short period of time. Byulyi would latch onto Wheein or Hyejin more, not to say that she hadn't before but it had always been more special between the two of them and-

Yongsun didn't know how to explain the unease growing in her heart.

Then, all of a sudden, Byulyi clung to her more than ever. Yongsun was confused, but didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama. Plus, as much as she pretended she didn't like it, she had missed the constant hugging and reassuring touches.

So, Yongsun thought she would initiate some of those once in a while.

Yongsun was never one to be blatant with her affections but she was willing to make an effort if Byulyi was always this flustered by it. That woman was just too cute...

Shoving all her feelings aside, Yongsun went to her first day of filming.

---

It was awkward between them at first, inevitably, in addition to the fact that she was kind of pissed that he took so long. Eric more than made up for it afterwards however, with his gentlemanly actions and utter sweetness. Yongsun could see herself falling for him if she hadn't already had someone else in her heart.

At first, she treated Eric like she would any other friend, thinking that if she ignored the fact that they were virtually a married couple then she would be more relaxed. And it did work, for a while, but with this show and its missions, it was difficult to ignore all the underlying romantic connotations their actions had, or the discomfort it gave her.

The show brought a lot of new experiences to her, whether it be a mission or either one of their ideas. Yongsun explored new places and did new things, things she truly did enjoy. But even as she went through all these with Eric, all she could think of was Byulyi. Her mind was often occupied with thoughts of her best friend while filming.

Byul would totally love to eat this...

Oh, didn't Byul mention wanting to do this?

Woah, I should bring Byulie here!

Thoughts like that floated through her mind constantly before she would remember that she was in the middle of filming and hope that the camera wouldn't catch her spacing out.

Still, Yongsun found herself relieved that Eric was the one that she had to get into intimate situations with, even if not ideal. It was easy to immerse herself in their relationship while they were in front of the camera.

Eric played along with her silly antics, joining in whenever she would randomly break out into a dance in the streets whether or not there was music. He told jokes that fit her humour perfectly and filled their time spent together with laughter. He was always thoughtful of her, paying attention to even her passing remarks, taking note of her likes and dislikes, and they worked well together as their ways of thinking were often on the same frequency. Yongsun knew he liked her too, could feel Eric's loving gaze even away from cameras. He was always putting in the effort of making romantic gestures, grand or small, that Yongsun would never admit she really did swoon over, although she was sure that her inability to hide the blush on her face more than gave it away.

He may have not so subtly implied after filming one day, in private, that his constant attempts at skinship weren't entirely for show, hinted that his flirtatious remarks were all completely genuine. Eric never shied from announcing that she was his ideal type or how proud he was to have her as his wife, and Yongsun was flattered (but subconsciously found herself pulling away whenever she found his gaze too intense or his touches too fond).

However close they were though, Yongsun couldn't bring herself to talk about Eric whenever his name got brought up while she was promoting with the other girls of Mamamoo. It felt too weird, to mix two separate lives together. There was just a line that she could not cross. In the end, her marriage with Eric was fake, and her friendship with her girls was not.

---

Turns out, bottling up your feelings doesn't make them actually go away, Yongsun realised after she got into yet another fight with Byulyi.

At first it was over something dumb, as usual, but the both of them were nothing if not stubborn and neither were willing to give in. Then they tried to talk about it but things ended up escalating instead which, Yongsun didn't know how, brought them to fighting over her commitment to the group.

The leader was, quite frankly, appalled. Had she done something to make the other members question her loyalty? But no, she was sure she hadn't. Byulyi was just being irrational, surely. Maybe she was just being insecure and Yongsun only needed to reassure her like a good leader would.

But then Byulyi started spewing some nonsense about her wanting to spend more time working on that damn show with Eric Nam than on anything with the rest of Mamamoo and Yongsun got truly pissed. From there on, it didn't take long for them to devolve into a screamfest and Byulyi was grabbing her things and stomping out of the house and slamming the door as hard as she could while Yongsun stood and watched, urging her to leave with fury fueled words.

And then she was alone in the house.

Yongsun huffed as she sat on the couch in her living room, by herself, with no one to poke and prod her elbow with a toe or two as they lay across the length of the couch. It was a rarity in the past few weeks with how often Byulyi had been visiting. Without the other woman, it felt oddly quiet in the house.

Yongsun never knew silence could be so loud.

...

She wiped a stray tear rolling down her cheek and decided she would go to bed early.

Yongsun spent the night tossing and turning on her bed, mind filled with thoughts about the fight. She hated it whenever she got into fights with Byulyi, as often as they did, and this was no exception. All she wanted was for that dumb Byulyi to apologise quickly so they could make up and cuddle like usual.

For a minute, Yongsun considered being the one to apologise. Their fights didn’t usually last long but this one had seemed particularly bad and she didn’t know how long she would have to wait for Byulyi to give in. She knew she wasn't the one in the wrong but maybe if she had handled it better...

Yongsun gave up on sleeping for the moment and took her phone out, eyes squinting at the sudden burst of light in the darkness. She opened her usual messaging app, and scrolled through her contacts before stopping at one in particular. Her thumb hovered over the familiar name for a long time... before eventually scrolling away. Yongsun was tempted to give in, but she didn't want to admit defeat so easily and she wasn't even the one in the wrong. It was totally that annoying Byul's fault and Yongsun would wait for the other woman to ask for forgiveness first, she decided, no matter how long it took.

In the meantime, she opened up her chat with Eric instead. He was surprisingly still awake and kept her company until she finally felt drowsy. Her eyelids heavy, she shot him a quick ‘goodnight’ before going off to bed.

---

Yongsun didn’t have to wait long, it turned out, as Byulyi was apologising to her within a week. Whatever they had even been arguing about was long forgotten, overtaken by the need to hold her best friend in her arms again.

---

It was completely unexpected when the other girls appeared at the hotel she'd booked. So Yongsun had no time to mentally prepare herself before Byulyi leapt off her lounge chair and launched at her, literally sweeping her off her feet in a crushing embrace.

The girls came in like a whirlwind, immediately hyper and full of energetic yelling. And while Yongsun wouldn't usually hesitate to join in, she glanced at Byulyi, then at Eric, and felt the need to hold back.

Yongsun didn't mind the added advantage the girls brought though. The four of them teaming up to embarrass Eric did make her feel better about their unannounced visit.

That was until they suggested playing some games, then Yongsun knew that they were definitely up to something. Her hunch was confirmed soon enough.

Yongsun was hyper-aware that Byulyi was watching as Eric kissed her cheek. She also couldn't shake the feeling of guilt that hung around her after what she later dubbed as the most dreaded moment in the episode, somewhat feeling like she was cheating on Byulyi, even if it was with her “husband”.

The guilt didn't last long when Yongsun remembered that her best friend had played a part in that particular event and then she just felt bitter about the whole thing.

That episode was also the first time she’d had to stay overnight for filming. She was exhausted from the day’s events and easily fell asleep centimetres away from Eric, ignoring the eyes she could feel on her. While it was nice that she had the chance to stay in such a cozy house for a night, the downside was that they were woken up at an ungodly early hour, unfortunately a norm for singers such as them.

After filming their individual black room interviews, they were released. The fake couple stopped first to thank the staff, who had yet to be done for the day, for their hard work before leaving. Yongsun noticed she still had some time before having to show up for work so she headed home first for a brisk wash up before going over to the RBW building.

She was still relatively early and so was surprised to see the lights in the practice room already on. Yongsun opened the door to see Byulyi inside, practicing their new choreography by herself in a loose white tee and her signature ripped jeans. Byulyi was quick to notice the new presence in the room and stopped her movements, walking over to turn off the music that had been playing.

“Byul-ah, what are you doing here so early?” Yongsun approached her casually.

“I could ask you the same, Yongsun-unnie.” Byulyi easily redirected the conversation away from herself.

There was an aloof air about the way she spoke that filled Yongsun with apprehension. She seemed to be avoiding eye contact too, her eyes fixed at some point on the wall beside them instead. Yongsun frowned. Did Byulyi think that she was blind?

“Filming just ended so I came here early,” Yongsun snapped impatiently. “Now it's your turn to answer the question.”

“... I couldn't sleep.” Byulyi took a moment to answer, and her eyes were still infuriatingly stuck at that single point on the wall. Yongsun turned to look at the plain wall, scrutinising every inch of it, only to confirm that there was indeed nothing of interest on it anywhere.

“Byulie, look at me,” Yongsun said firmly, then softening her voice, “What's wrong?”

She was honestly quite worried. The other woman usually didn't hesitate to approach her for advice, so why was she holding back now?

Byulyi finally glanced at her before letting out a huge sigh which did nothing to alleviate the older woman's fears. Yongsun was about to speak out in indignation at whatever that sigh could mean when the rapper started talking.

“I was jealous,” Byulyi spitted out all in a rush. “Of Eric,” she added after a beat.

Yongsun raised an eyebrow questioningly but said nothing, not wanting to scare the other woman into silence.

“I just- I'm the one who's always been with you, but now he's the one who's exploring new places with you and doing new things with you when- when-” Byulyi paused, brows furrowing into a frantic expression that betrayed the conflict she felt inside.

She cast her eyes down and her shoulders sagged. She finally continued, “When it should be me.”

Yongsun's breath hitched at the words. Byulyi sounded so defeated that Yongsun felt her heart ache. But at the same time, her mind was racing with questions as to what Byulyi could have meant.

Yongsun wanted to believe that her feelings were being returned but couldn't shake the feeling that she could just be projecting. If she was wrong then it could ruin their friendship and subsequently, Mamamoo’s group dynamic. As the leader, Yongsun just could not take that risk.

Putting aside her own inner conflict, Yongsun gathered the tired looking woman into her arms and tried to soothe her the best she could. She struggled to find the right words to say, her mind fighting with itself as to what Byulyi even meant. Byulyi almost immediately latched onto her arms, reminding Yongsun of how affectionate the woman could get around her friends. That's right, friends...

It all made sense to Yongsun now, how Byulyi had gotten so distant for a while after she accepted the job, and the fight they had the other night. The rapper was afraid that their friendship would be compromised by the show, which was absolutely ridiculous because Yongsun thought of Mamamoo as her family and would never even entertain the idea of abandoning them.

“Byul-ah, you don't have to worry about losing me, okay? We'll always be the best of friends,” Yongsun said in the most comforting voice she could muster as she ran her hands up and down the other woman's back.

“Right, just friends…” Yongsun thought she heard Byulyi whisper but passed it off as her own wishful thinking.

---

The turning point in her virtual marriage was the Chuseok event, as all the viewers could agree. The kiss on his forehead marked the first time she ever took the initiative with that sort of contact between them. It was a spur of the moment kind of act and she didn't regret it. It had won them first place along with a luxurious trip to Dubai, after all.

They got increasingly comfortable with each other after that. Yongsun always liked it when someone had the energy to play along when she fooled around but Eric was also braver than before in making moves on her. He still always watched out for her and was also more considerate of her than most. And the more Yongsun thought about it, the more she felt like maybe she could fall for him eventually, but what she didn't know was that she never would because he wasn't her Moon Byulyi.

So by the end of the filming for the show, despite her previous declarations, Yongsun was frustrated at herself for not being able to see Eric as anything more than a good friend.

That being said, she was genuinely sad on their last episode together. She did actually enjoy his company and had fun during their outings.

Eric kept his word and messaged her regularly after the show ended. Their conversations started casually and easily, especially without the pressure of having to act like more than they really were on the side. Yongsun also realised that without having romantic situations forced between them, what she previously thought were possible feelings for him had faded away quickly, and she was left feeling like they were more suited to a brother-sister type of relationship.

However, after the fresh release of the Memory album, Yongsun was swamped with work and her replies got less frequent. Eric seemed to have his own busy schedule too and it got difficult to keep up with daily conversations, soon slowing to just a few messages a week.

That was, until, their final reunion at the end of the year for the MBC Entertainment Awards ceremony.

Mamamoo had an event scheduled right before that and Yongsun didn't even have the time to get off her post-performance high before already being rushed off to the award ceremony. She bid her members farewell and was dragged off by her manager.

It was a surprise when a hand reached out to stop the lift doors just as they were closing.

“Hey.” Byulyi sounded out of breath, as if she had ran to catch up with them. “I'll send you out.” A lopsided grin slid easily across her face, a hand naturally reaching to grab Yongsun’s wrist as she squeezed into the crowded lift with them.

The two friends had been in more intimate situations than that before, as embarrassing as that sounded. But being so close to her crush in such a confined space with a whole group of people around them never failed to make Yongsun feel shy, even more than she had ever felt around Eric, and she leaned her body into the warmth of the (ever so slightly) taller woman.

A swarm of paparazzi and their multitudes of cameras greeted them as the glass front doors opened. The furious clicking of camera shutters and flashing lights bombarded their senses as her manager gently pushed her through the crowd, dress in hand. The warm grip around her wrist disappeared as she descended the ramp outside the building.

As Yongsun was ushered into the car, she couldn't help but cast one last glance back at the waving Byulyi before her manager pulled her attention back to fuss over her appearance.

---

Yongsun arrived just in time for the ceremony to start and as it proceeded, her mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Byulyi watching her go, off to her virtual husband one last time.

She brushed it off when Eric leaned over to ask if she had prepared a speech, doubtful that she had shown the man enough love as his “wife” to win any award.

Yongsun had barely registered it when it was announced that they had indeed won the Best Couple Award. She was bewildered and started to panic about having to quickly think of a speech on the spot. But all she could think of was how Byulyi was currently watching as she went up to accept the award, and she stuttered into the microphone, her mind a blank as she tried to improvise a speech.

Byulie is listening to this too, she thought repeatedly as she rushed through a hastily thought out speech, before stepping back to let Eric say his slightly more well thought out speech. Her cheeks burned at her rare moment of unpreparedness. As Yongsun sat back down, she thought of Byulyi again, pictured her backstage with their younger members, all of them probably laughing their asses off at their silly leader on screen. And Yongsun smiled at the image.

---

There was an afterparty, as most of these types of events usually do. Yongsun stuck to Eric, not really as close to any others there. She socialised with the celebrities he introduced her to or that would approach her themselves, accepting glasses of champagne even if she felt like she couldn't handle drinking anymore, just because she wasn't good at rejecting people she wasn't close to.

As Yongsun accepted yet another glass (of white wine this time), she could already feel her body starting to heat up from all the alcohol and she was sure her whole face had turned red.

“Hey Eric, does my face seem red? It feels hot in here and I’m pretty sure my face is red, right?” Yongsun rambled, as she stared into the glass of wine she was swirling in her hand.

She turned her head towards the man when she heard no response, only to find the glass being whisked out of her hand the next second and downed in a flash by the man who took it.

Yongsun looked at him incredulously. “You didn't have to do that!” she whisper shouted as she gently slapped Eric's shoulder. He clutched at his shoulder with his free hand in response, pouting at her with mock hurt on his face.

Yongsun chuckled at his exaggerated behaviour. “But thanks,” she continued as she took the now empty glass back, casting Eric a grateful smile which he didn't hesitate to return.

There was a lull in the conversation and Yongsun was about to leave to put down her empty glass when-

“I like you.”

Yongsun blinked at the goofily grinning man. Eric himself looked shocked for a moment at his own words but recovered quickly.

“Will you go out with me?” Eric continued, voice unwavering.

The shy, fluttering feelings that usually came along with being confessed to by someone she liked was absent. All Yongsun felt was dread.

The feeling hit her like a bucket of cold water. She sobered up immediately, taking a moment to process the statement. She would never have guessed that he would ask her out outright that night, expecting his little crush to fade away quietly. She should have known that he wasn't the type to let it go.

Yongsun should accept him, right? This was possibly her only chance to be in a normal and socially acceptable relationship. But then why did she not want to?

And despite all her previous thoughts of maybe liking him and how safe he was, she found herself hesitating and thinking of Byulyi, and she couldn't.

“I- Thank you but I- I'm so sorry…”

The stupidly kind Eric Nam let his smile falter for only a split second before he forced it back into a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. As Yongsun stumbled through an unconvincing excuse of wanting to focus on her career and not having the time to date, Eric only nodded weakly. With all the energy in his voice gone, he muttered that it had been worth a shot before excusing himself and trudging off towards the bar. Yongsun watched guiltily as the usually boisterous and outgoing man shrunk into his seat, cradling the glass in his hands, and found herself unsure that she made the right decision. She soon excused herself, unable to stand the strained tension anymore and having lost her one comfort in the unfamiliar surroundings.

Yongsun hailed a taxi and headed home. It was nearing midnight by the time she reached back, and so she was surprised to see an extra but familiar pair of shoes in her doorway.

Though all four members of Mamamoo visited each other often enough, Byulyi was the only one who visited her so frequently that it was practically her second home. Yongsun welcomed her any time, telling the other woman as much when she had given her the passcode to her house those months ago.

Padding softly across her living room, she found the woman she was looking for sleeping peacefully on her couch. Said woman was donned in a soft looking sweater and some sweatpants. Yongsun recognised the clothes as ones that Byulyi had left over some time ago, on another night that she had stayed over. Yongsun would never admit it but she would sometimes wear those clothes when she was feeling like she particularly missed the rapper and lowkey hoped that Byulyi wouldn't take it back.

Byulyi lay sprawled over the couch, hugging a throw pillow close to her chest with one leg limply dangling over the edge. With eyes closed and mouth ajar, her relaxed expression made her look so peaceful, a stark contrast from the usual turmoil of their schedules.

And as Yongsun stood there, arms by her side, staring at the woman before her, she realised that she was sure. Despite all her previous thoughts of how Eric at least liked her, and was a man too so their relationship would be a lot easier, and earlier doubts of ‘should I really have thrown that relationship away?’, Yongsun was sure that she had made the right choice.

With that realisation, and that acceptance, Yongsun found herself suddenly able to breathe easier. It was like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. The corners of her lips unconsciously curled up into a gentle smile.

“Byul-ah… You don't even know how much I love you.”

Yongsun chuckled softly. It was weird how the only time she could be true to herself was when no one else was listening.

She stood under her shower head for a good while, letting the steady spray of water wash away the worries of her day. Yongsun was grateful that Eric was too nice to enact any kind of revenge on her and had let her go without any protest. She changed into some pyjamas as well before returning to the living room and the woman resting there.

“Byul-ah…” Yongsun called out softly, reaching a hand over to gently prod the woman.

“Mmrh..?”

Sitting up and rubbing an eye sleepily, Byulyi looked so cute that Yongsun felt her heart squeeze at the sight. The former finally seemed to be regaining her senses as she looked around the room and mumbled out.

“Ah… Sorry, I was trying to wait up for you but I must have fallen asleep.”

“It's okay. Come on, let's go to my room. The bed is much comfier.”

“Alright.”

Yongsun faced no resistance as she dragged the groggy woman towards her room. Byulyi didn't hesitate to flop onto the bed the moment it was within reach. The owner of said bed only chuckled at the sight as she climbed under the covers as well, pulling the blanket over both of their bodies.

Byulyi moved to snuggle into the body beside her when she felt a dip in the bed, smiling contentedly as the familiar warmth lulled her back into dreamland. Yongsun in turn wrapped an arm around the lithe body curled into her, accepting her role as the big spoon. Giving in to the exhaustion of the day, she too let herself drift off into slumber.

---

Yongsun opened her eyes to empty space beside her, but the absence of her best friend was forgiven when the wonderful smell of breakfast wafted through her nose.

---

A/N: I tried to keep the timeline consistent with real life but I obviously took some artistic liberties lol. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter! I recently watched all the Solar/Eric WGM episodes and this was all I could think of the whole time so I wrote it out. I said recently but really, it's been 5 months of me sporadically adding and removing and editing the story (it was originally only 1 chapter of about 1000 words long...) so I'm sorry if the writing doesn't flow very well. Next chapter comes out in a week and will explore Moonbyul’s side through all this.

P.S. Leaving reviews would pressure me into possibly releasing the next chapter faster… :)

#mamamoo #moonsun #kim yongsun #moon byulyi #fanfic #eric nam #wgm

[levinea-yuuki]

I've been thinking recently

We don't have much foundation. Both Millennials and Gen Z are stuck with so much responsibility for our futures. We're judged for our quirks, called special snowflakes by the most entitled generations, and tossed out on our own by Baby Boomers and Gen X.

Now I definitely don't feel like a Generation Z child because of two reasons:

I'm 22 years old and that just makes me feel like a millennial based on the whole structure and my lack of a sense of timelines.

I've never gotten into fortnite or the majority of these memes or dabbing.

But honestly that is not going to stop me from enjoying watching all of these people having dance-offs or making cleverly woven jokes or saying things I'll never fully grasp, (I still don't understand "worm"), or simply feeling refreshed about the open-minded beliefs of equality and acceptance, understanding, and kindness. Pour as much of that on as your hearts can show.

Getting back to the point. Though there's not much of a generation gap between Millennials and Generation Z in my point of view, seeing as we're both dragged into the same issues that arose with having to deal with the baby boomer generation in the same manner that we're having to deal with Gen X, though maybe not to the same extent, I feel like the older Generations are trying to shove a gap between us or push the blame.

This link takes you to a website that expresses just how much there is to think about with what Baby Boomers have done to our economy... Even though they blame millennials. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/apr/29/millennials-struggling-is-it-fault-of-baby-boomers-intergenerational-fairness

It's not just our economy that I'm worried about in the long run.

We can repair that type of damage, what I'm really worried about how the younger ones are raised. Striking on a highly personal and sensitive note, my mother born in Gen X married young to my baby boomer father and had my brother and me, my brother being in the millennial generation. After seventeen years of supporting us, forced into not seeing us very much at all with working two jobs and still expected to cook and clean while he made no effort to get his own job, criticized her for everything she did as well as prevented her from having literally any friends in or out of work, she got out. Good for her, right? She left the abuse, lived a little, remarried, and had my siblings.

Now here's where it gets sticky.

This left us with our father (me as a sheltered albeit pampered 11 year old and my brother the inexperienced 16 year old who was also pampered) because he fought her in court and somehow won full custody of us. It came to the point where my brother was suddenly the sole money maker for the household (while also in school) in the time frame of a week after she left because dad still refused to get a job but insisted on smoking and drinking a six-pack a day anyway. At the same time his pride got in the way of accepting my mom's help because she had optional child support and when he did accept it he immediately went and spent it on his booze, so she ultimately stopped the fruitless. He cut ties between my mother and us and pretended everything was fine and dandy now that she was gone. When he died of an impending and incurable death triangle (kidney failure, liver failure, and sever diabetes) almost five years later we were left with his debts and he didn't teach us a single thing to get us started. Almost three years later, I left to live with my mother because she found us and got back in touch. My brother rejected her offer and went out on his own, swimming in the unbacked pride dad had set, and since then has been entirely incapable of holding a job for more than a few months before he's fired for one thing or another. He still refuses to speak with her.

Now on my end, everything started fine. I was expected to do some of the chores, finish highschool, and I finally had the chance to learn who my mother was the first time in my life... but once I had settled in I came to understand that she was in a constant defensive state anytime she was questioned and was afraid of moving forward. She suddenly had a late teenage daughter that didn't know a single thing about living. To this day four years later she has had a very easy-to-boil temper. It started as a self defense mechanism, she had to become this way to keep herself alive with my dad as a husband, but she became more than the overseer of the new family, she became an overbearing abrasive woman to make sure things were going her way so that there was no way she could slip back into what she had been living in.

She is now the type of person who considers pain to be a competition, a concept of reality she got from her father, my father, and her generation as a whole. Her existence is work, bills, her new spouse, and figuring out how to set me on my siblings on the best path. She has experienced more pain than I can picture, lived a longer life with many challenges, gave every ounce of effort to get back to her senses and I respect that wholeheartedly, but what I can't seem to respect or handle is her needed to feel like she's right all the time even when she's dead wrong, how deaf she is to the hurtful things she says, and how she goes about getting things done.

It's not just life she tackles harshly now, but pain is measured on her own set of scales. It is her competition in order to feel sturdier about her situations and I see this a lot in her age group, frequently and everywhere, but in the process of all of this she invalidates anybody else's difficulties if they are less than her own. In her eyes, "if I can tolerate it then you should be able to" or "if it's not bothering me then it shouldn't bother you" is the only reality. There are no extra spoons or forks, no in between, no consideration for how somebody else perceives a situation or how much somebody else can handle before they burst, and particularly with people in my age group she holds absolutely no patience. It's almost like she considers us a to be hypochondriacs because we haven't learned how to "suck it up" or "save face" when the physical aches or mental loads are too much, or the shambles they've left our economy in and voting Trump in because they think he will just fix it right up like changing a tire. It's entirely irresponsible, immature, inhumane, and unreasonable. She and most people her age, and people like my father, are incredibly blind to it. I can no longer respect them or trust them.

Now here's the kicker.

She as well as many other mothers claim that people in my age group have tunnel vision, that each day is brand new for us, that we don't know hardship or real stress, when in reality we are all facing the teeth gritting consequences for their choices. We are trying so hard to have optimism and open hearts, the patience they lack, and the wisdom to break free from their mislay of twisting roads and bare minimum guidelines.

As an example of her mindset and the challenge it presents, she believes I am entirely incapable of taking care of stressful situations when she hasn't taught me how, just like my father but and almost an exact opposite sense. My father pampered me and sheltered me, my mother drowns me only in harsh reality and expectations. It's not just her, the society these Generations have built are also malfunctioning and sending catless mixed messages. There are scores of American schools that don't teach a lick of daily knowledge like how to clean without making freaking mustard gas or how to go about sewing on a button. Cooking, paying bills, skills like changing a tire or what to do when the electricity goes out and it's not the breaker. Finances and taxes. They believe that schools only need to teach things like the states and capitals, sports, math, language (but only English and Spanish, I wanted to learn Japanese and sign language guys...), wars, a collection of science subjects, and maybe music. They've cut the budget for anything else. Screw the general public. Even my mom acts like her goal is to become middle class so that my siblings have more opportunities to learn what they need, but she's so fixated on raising her rank in society's standards thinking that it will solve everything she can't comprehend the real issues.

She believes I don't get certain responsibilities done the instant she tells me to because I'm lazy or inconsiderate, but mostly it's because my mind doesn't allow me to multitask like hers does, or I'm not sure how to go about it because I have to teach myself, and therefore it's just one more thing she has to add to the list of what I am not putting any effort into. She doesn't understand, or maybe she doesn't WANT to understand, that I have anxiety when I'm put on the spot because if I don't have a moment to think about what to do she chooses to scream at me instead of simply suggesting a solution or helping me think, and then decides to take over the responsibility with an added bonus of guilt-tripping and gaslighting. After years of this I've grown apathetic to her to the point where she has started calling me heartless and disrespectful. It is incredibly difficult to respect somebody who treats you like a tool that needs fixing but also doesn't make the effort to find out what's wrong in the first place.

I've read so many cases of this, just terrible awful parenting, it's to the extent where it's old news and that's unfortunate because it still hasn't changed. Make situations like these current news, spread them with a warning for our future, this problem has been around for so long it is almost entirely ignored by the older Generations in exchange for the opportunity to push blame. I myself have gotten so tired of asking "what is wrong with them? Why don't they see what they're doing? Don't they understand how harmful this is?" I see my mom giving sexist excuses about the behavior of men into the mind of my younger brother, I see her pushing my sister to tolerate him instead of stopping him from acting this way, and I think, "why can't they take responsibility for the damage they've done, re-evaluate themselves, or feel any regret for the stigma they choose to keep planting in young minds?" At every turn I'm invalidated, and though I'm expected to watch my siblings, I'm not allowed to stop them if they choose to play recklessly, rebel, or cock an attitude if I tell them they need to do something like brush their teeth or put a toy away. Unless there's an obvious chance of injury, I'm prevented from intervention. What kind of children are these siblings of mine going to grow into with this mindset? What are the claims that her generation are going to throw on them when there's no one else to blame? Why am I expected to relent to her demands and stretch and mold myself into her concept of what an adult should be if I can't suggest a compromise or take a stand? How am I or anyone else supposed to know what to do in shaky situations is if were not given the chance to learn, shown an example of how, or charted a better path instead of setting expectations and just demanded to reach them? I can't stand this. Each of these generations all hold individual, unique, brilliant people but the younger ones are treated like entirely different entities based on societies obsolete standards and malformed beliefs. This needs to change.

[thorbruce-is-lit]

Thorbruce highschool band au!!!!!!

For @irl-bucky‘s prompt! I finally did it!! Are u proud of me? New content!!! 

Bruce stopped himself from fixing his collar for the fifth time in the last 20 minutes. To say he was nervous was the understatement of the century. He couldn't calm his nerves, and it was almost time for the doors to open. It wasn't due to his ‘performance issues’, as Loki would not stop so eloquently saying. He hadn’t had stage fright since he was five and his dad had forced him to perform a piece he’d been practicing for a little over half a day in front of many judgemental house guests. That evening hadn’t ended pleasantly. No, it wasn't anything to do with a fear of performing, it was more specific. It was the first time he was playing the bass guitar in front of anyone, unless you count that tape he sent to Valkyrie. Ever. Her support didn’t matter much in his mind, even if it did convince the rest of the Revengers that he had ‘pure, unrivalled talent’ (Valkyrie did like to exaggerate). He shouldn’t have agreed to this, he should’ve kindly declined Thor’s pleading and puppy-dog eyes. As if he could've.

It had all started two weeks ago after a band practice at Valkyrie’s. 

No one knew how she managed to secure a soundproofed apartment a 10 minute walk away from the school, but no one asked Valkyrie about her personal life, and she didn't offer anything. The closest she had come was at her birthday last year when she had procured and drunk at least half a grand of liquor and then stated loudly: “the past is shit. To the present, and future!” and then promptly passed out. 

After practice, Thor drove Bruce home, dropping Loki off on the way through. Bruce had given up arguing that he could just catch a bus home after he realised Thor was too stubborn to reason with. At least on this front. So Bruce always tried to make it up to him by inviting him in for a coffee ‘for his trouble’, and Thor almost always accepted. This day was no exception. Bruce let them into his flat and headed straight to the tiny kitchen to put on the coffee, his mind on its usual tangent of ‘what if Thor liked me’. He came back in the lounge area to see Thor studying what he at first mistook to be his new coffee table.

“Like it? Four dollars at the op shop.” Thor turned and gave him an incredulous look, and Bruce realised he’d left his new amplifier out. It was an impulse purchase that he had yet to regret. “Oh, that. i thought you were looking at the new coffee table.” He continued, placing Thor’s coffee down.

“Bruce, why do you have a bass amplifier? You play a keyboard.” Thor asked, amusement evident in his voice. And without thinking, Bruce solidified his fate.

“Yeah, but I also play bass.”

Now in the band that Bruce had been coerced (more like unintentionally emotional blackmailed thanks to Thor’s presence) into joining, there was a slight issue. It wasn’t drums, Valkyrie had that covered just fine. It definitely wasn’t guitar, both Loki and Thor were amazing. It was the bass. All of their songs required it, and while both Loki and Thor could play, there was always an argument. Due to their competitive nature, neither Thor nor Loki wanted to give up playing the guitar for the band, and due to Loki’s nature, an argument always stemmed around whose turn it was on bass. This was also a problem in that they both had to learn two instruments for each song, which made every practice twice as long. Now, while Bruce considered himself just fine on bass guitar, he had never told the rest of the Revengers this. It wasn’t because he wanted to restrict himself to the keyboard, no. Hell, not even half the songs required the keyboard. He just had bad memories of people finding out about his hobby. His father had grounded him for a week for listening to music with bass guitar, and when he found out Bruce played? Well, he wasn't welcome at his father’s house anymore, and he still had scars from that day. But when Thor found out he played bass, and looked at him with those eyes, he couldn't say no. Thor was his kryptonite. So, after almost a year of being in the band, Thor had been the one to discover his secret. Luckily, Thor was somewhat gullible and believed Bruce when he said he’d only been playing for a few weeks. If Loki found out he could play... he shuddered just thinking about it.

So that was how Bruce found himself backstage at some random bar’s slightly rickety performance room, stressing over playing his bass guitar in front of what was bound to be a disappointing turnout. He knew it was irrational, and going off Valkyrie’s input he was the best player in the state (though he was certain she was just sick of hearing Thor and Loki argue), but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to blame Thor’s good looks and loveable personality, but he couldn’t fault Thor for his own inability to say no to the guy! Besides, if he were to try and call it off now he would have to explain why he backtracked, and telling Thor that ‘his insanely good looks and adorable expression made him impossible to say no to’ wasn’t gonna happen. So Bruce sucked in a deep breath and headed out onstage. 

“Ah Bruce, We were just about to head backstage!” Thor greeted. “No need to double-check your setup, i have done that for you.”

“Thanks Thor, you didn’t have to.” Bruce replied, smiling nervously and bringing his hand up to the back of his neck. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Valkyrie pretend to gag. She knew about what she liked to call his ‘insanely sweet and sickening crush on That Hot Guy’, but so far had been nice enough not to tell Thor about it, or about the fact that bruce had called him ‘That Hot Guy’ (”It was one time and I didn't know his name, let it go!”).

“No worries. We should be heading backstage now, it is almost time.” and with that they all went back to the cramped room.

“Bruce, are you alright? You look a little green.” Bruce startled as Thor placed a hand on his shoulder and ducked his head down to look into Bruce’s eyes.

“Yeah all good.” He replied a little to quickly. At Thor’s concerned expression he continued “It’s just, nerves. I made record tapes for Valkyrie, but besides her I’ve never played for anyone before.”

“Well, that’s only natural. You said yourself you’ve only been playing for a couple of weeks.” Thor said. 

“Ah, yeah. About that...”

“Have you been playing for longer? A year perhaps? It does not matter--”

“Six...” whispered Bruce, looking down.

“Six years? That is a long time to not play in front of anybody, but if--”

“As in, since I was six years old.” Thor’s dumbstruck expression prompted him to elaborate “I started when I was six, I always liked the music and i got my hands on a miniature bass from the local op shop. Smuggled it into my room. Kept up the hobby for almost 10 years. When my... father.. found out, i was kicked out. Said I was disgracing the family name.” Bruce shrugged. “Never got the courage to play for anyone, but I liked it too much to give it up.” He looked back up into Thor’s eyes to see what looked like regret.

“Bruce, I had no idea. While I do think you have more than enough talent and experience to make this the best show we have ever performed, I will not pressure you into this. If you are not comfortable performing, you do not need to. I can play the bass for this show.” Thor said earnestly. Bruce smiled.

“Nah, thats alright. Your faith gives me all the confidence I need.” And he clapped Thor on the shoulder and headed over to finalise the set with Loki, completely missing the enormous blush spreading across Thor’s face. 

----------------------------------

“That was amazing!” Bruce shouted for the forth time that night to no one in particular. He couldn’t keep the ridiculous looking grin off his face, and as Thor replied ‘No YOU were amazing!’ for the forth time that night, both Loki and Valkyrie bit back their groans and jokes. After all, Bruce had earnt this, and Thor got immunity for finally admitting his feelings to Bruce. The show had gone off without a hitch, the first half being the usual with Bruce on the keyboard and Loki on bass. Halfway through they’d shut off the lights and swapped instruments, Bruce picking up his bass, devoid of any fear, pure adrenaline coursing through his veins as he looked over to Thor in the darkness and nodded. As the lights came back up and they went into their next song, the crowd response was... well, to say insane would be the understatement of the century. There was way more people in attendance than the bar should’ve allowed in, and Bruce suspected Valkyrie was behind it. The show only got better from there, Thor, being able to play as a second guitar rather than the main guitar, added his own electric fills which according to Loki was ‘foolish and incredibly risky’, but paid off if the crowd response was anything to go by. They ended the show on a new song, which in itself was one of their best pieces, but the bass solo that Bruce improvised to close stole the show. Thor literally could not control himself and as Bruce finished he sprinted across the stage, grabbed Bruce’s face with both hands and firmly kissed him. Bruce, still full of adrenaline, had no problem reciprocating, humming approvingly as he positioned his bass so that he could get even closer to Thor. They made out on stage, much to the crowds enjoyment, until Loki and Valkyrie pulled them apart because apparently ‘public displays of affection are disgusting’ and according to Loki they were ‘taking these displays to a whole new level’. Not that they cared. Bruce yawned, stretching his arm over Thor’s shoulders. 

“I think I should go home before I fall asleep on your couch Val.” Bruce said, fighting off another yawn. 

“I’ll get the keys” Thor said in reply, helping Bruce up and grabbing his keys off the table. Bruce stumbled over to the door and leant against the wall. 

“I’m crashing here.” mumbled Loki, flopping face down on the couch and almost immediately snoring. Thor mentally shrugged and followed Bruce out the door.

----------------------------------

“Bruce?” Thor whispered. 

“Hmm?” was the sleepy reply. 

“Are you sure I can stay over? I don’t want to intrude”

“Thor, my man, you literally made out with me in front of a record crowd of people tonight” Bruce replied in sleepy amusement.

“A lapse in judgement. I can assure you that it will not happen again”

“Thor. Take off your shirt. Lie down. Spoon me.”

“Are you sur--”

“Thor I swear to fucking god I will rip off your shirt and drag you down here myself if you don't stop doubting how much I love you now get in the bed and shut up I wanna sleep with you.”

“...Are--”

“Oh my god.” And with that Bruce sat up, pulled Thor’s shirt over his head, climbed into his lap and kissed him hard enough to bruise, while at the same time gently cupping his face. An effective method of silencing someone.

#I've never been in a band before so cut me some slack #also i only play drums and i played piano for only a year #so all mistakes are justified #If there are any mistakes let me know #keep in mind its 3am #this was fun #iive been writing for 3 straight hours??? #nah more like 10 minutes #thorbruce #brucethor #thruce #gammahammer #thunderscience #thundersmash #i still love that ship name #au #highschool band au #fic #my post

[thejacketandthehook]

CSFF: Before Dawn 2/?

Title: Before Dawn 

Author: thejacketandthehook (aka everystareverywhere) 

Summary:  Emma Swan and Killian Jones only had one thing in common: Emma's best friend and Killian's brother were dating. But Emma and Killian could not get along. That was, until the day they had to work together through a tragedy that no one saw coming.

Rating: General (but that will change to Mature in later chapters) 

Word Count: 6529

Disclaimers: I own absolutely nothing. 

Author’s Notes:  So, I’ve been in the mist of writing this particular story for almost two years. And I’m hoping that if I have support, I’ll be more motivated to finish it. So my story is based off of the movie "Life As We Know It" starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. And below is the first chapter. I hope you enjoy.

Chapter One

You can also read it here: A03

@searchingwardrobes

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two Months Later

Emma smiled as her boyfriend, Walsh, leaned across the table, gently taking her hand in his.

"You are an amazing woman, Emma Swan," Walsh smiled. She and Walsh had been going out for the last four months, and though Emma really didn't believe in love at first sight, or any kind of nonsense like that, she was smitten with him. He was just that kind of guy; charming to a fault, but also kind and considerate. He loved spending quiet time with Emma, but also loved being around Liam and Elsa (he's never met Killian; Emma felt he didn't need that kind of torture). With his shaggy brown hair and warm brown eyes, he was exactly what Emma needed and wanted. Elsa saw that the first time Emma brought him to her house from BBQ. Walsh and Liam got along wonderfully, and even Henry seemed to like him -  though to be fair, Henry likes everyone, but still. It was nice that Walsh could fit into her little life. It meant a lot.

"I know," she smiled back, tilting her head to the side. They had just finished dinner and the waitress asked if they wanted desert.

"I can't eat another bite," Emma replied, leaning back and rubbing her hand over her completely full stomach.

"Oh, come on! You have to have their ice cream! You love the ice cream here."

That was true, but still..."Walsh, I couldn't."

"Fine, I'll take the ice cream."

After he told her what flavor he wanted and the waitress walked away, Walsh excused himself to go to the bathroom. Emma was fiddling with her phone, checking Facebook and Instragram when he returned. "Everything alright with work?"

"Yeah, yeah. I haven't been assigned a new case yet."

"You will be soon."

"Well, I just closed one today."

"And that is why you are the best detective here in Storybrooke."

Emma gave a small chuckle. "I wish that felt like a big victory, but...I want to go where there is real detective work. Like in New York. Or Boston."

"You want to leave Elsa? And Henry?"

She shrugged. "It's a dream right now. I'm sure that I'm not gonna..." Just then her cell phone rang. Usually she would ignore it, because she was on a date with Walsh and it wasn't her work ringtone. But it was Anna's face that appeared on the screen. And Anna rarely called Emma. And right then, Emma's stomach dropped.

"I should take this," she muttered before picking up and phone and turning slightly to the side before swiping her finger along the bottom. "Hello?"

"Emma?" Though it was Anna's voice, it...wasn't. Because Anna was usually chipper to the point where you wanted to tie her down and read her horrible stories about how magic really works in Disney World until she loses that innocence. But right now it sounded like she had found it all on her own. "Emma...I can't..."

She's crying. Why was she crying?

"Anna? What is it? Are you okay? Is it Henry?" Oh no, please let it not be Henry. Please say Henry is fine. Because Elsa and Liam would lose it if something happened to Henry.

"He's..." Anna sobbed so loud, Emma pulled the phone away from her ear, but she quickly replaced it, in case she continued talking. Emma wanted to jump out of the chair and start pacing, but since she was in a public place, she couldn't. But her body wanted to move while her mind was trying to focus on Anna.

"Anna? Anna, is it Henry? Is he okay?" Emma asked, anxious. Anna was not answering her questions and she was starting to freak out.

"Henry's...he's fine...but Emma...Come to the hospital. Now!" Before she can say another word, Anna hung up.

Emma slowly lowered the phone, Walsh's ice cream placed in front of her on a lovely dish. But she barely saw it before she gathered up her belongings. "I need to go."

"I gathered," Walsh said, signaling to the waitress for the check. "Is Henry alright?"

"I don't...Yes, he's okay. But I don't understand why she called. I need to go to the hospital."

"Wait, I'll drive you."

Emma stood up, ready to run out of there and run to the hospital if she had to. "Walsh, I can't--"

"I'll take you. You're in no condition to drive." The waitress appeared with the check. Walsh handed her his credit card and said, "We need to leave now, so hurry up." Usually he's so considerate to waiters and waitresses, but he knows that Emma's in a rush.

"It has be something to do with Elsa," Emma says, trying to figure out what got Anna so upset. "If it's not Henry, than it's Elsa. It has to be."

The waitress returned with the receipt and Walsh signed it before the two of them ran out of the restaurant and towards his car.

The drive to the hospital took forever, but they were also there in record time. Emma ran towards the doors when she saw someone running out of the corner of her eye. She didn't stop, even when she recognized Killian's profile. When he saw her, he came closer before asking, "Henry?"

She knew what he was asking: was Henry hurt? She shook her head. "I don't think so."

Walsh was right behind the two of them as they entered the hospital. Emma and Killian went straight to the front desk. They spoke at the same time. "I want to see my brother, Liam Jones." "I need information on Elsa Jones."

The nurse looked at the two of them. "You must be the family members. Let me page the doctor for you." She turned around and picked up the phone.

"This is not good," Emma whispered. "If we need to talk to a special doctor, this is not good."

"Think positive Emma. They could be in a minor accident. Anna is a bit overdramatic."

Killian turned to look at Walsh, but didn't say anything. At that moment, the nurse turned around and said, "Dr. Whale is on the third floor."

The three of them went speeding towards the elevators. But they were taking too long, and Emma was jumpy, so when she saw the staircase, she went towards them instead. She thought that she heard Walsh and Killian behind her, but she wasn't certain. Everything felt like a dream, a really awful dream where you can't wake up. It felt fuzzy and uncertain and all Emma wanted to do was going back to the restaurant with Walsh and finish their date.

But when she threw open the door and saw Anna sobbing into her friend's shoulder, she knew that life was about to change forever.

Anna could barely speak, but her friend, Kris, filled them in. Elsa and Liam were in a terrible car accident. Their car slid and went over a bridge. Another car saw them go over and called the ambulance, but both of them were unresponsive when they were brought in. Henry was not in the car; he was at home, currently sleeping in his bed, a neighbor watching him.

Emma barely heard the words coming out of Kris's mouth. She heard their names and "car accident" and everything went fuzzy. She grabbed onto someone, she wasn't sure who, who helped her sit down. Her legs felt weak and her brain was numb and she just sat there, staring off into nothing. Because she couldn't lose Elsa. Elsa was the only family she had. She had literally no one but her.

Killian sat beside her, but she felt him rather than saw him. He leaned forward and rubbed his hands against his face before standing up and screaming, "Fucking hell!" as loud as he could. If people stopped and starred at him, Emma didn't know. She only heard the sound of his voice, not the actual words.

But she couldn't lose Elsa. She just couldn't.

When Dr. Whale walked into the hallway, Emma could feel the Earth beneath her feet moving and she had nothing to hold on to. Because he told her the one thing she did not want to hear.

"I'm sorry. We did everything we could."

Anna screamed. Killian collapsed. And Emma pulled herself up in a ball and wept. She wept for Liam Jones, the most wonderful (sort of) brother-in-law a woman could ask for. She wept for Elsa, her best friend, her almost sister. They were going to travel the world together. They were going to live next door to each other and have a special pathway put in so someone could get from one house to the other easily. Their children were going to grow up together.

And now she was gone.

Both of them.

Elsa and Liam Jones were dead.

Oh God, what about Henry?

What was going to happen to him? He was an orphan. Two hours ago he was a part of a loving family, one that would do anything to protect him. Now? Now he was an orphan before he could even talk.

Emma knew what that was like, and it was the most awful feeling in the world. The only difference between Henry and Emma is that Henry's family didn't leave him by choice. Emma's did.

But now wasn't the time to wallow in pity. Now she had to help Anna plan not one funeral, but two.

Emma's nights and days became a huge blur. She helped Killian and Anna set up the funerals, and the wake, and what should they bury Elsa and Liam in? She helped take care of Henry, but she was so out of it, a neighbor more often than not took care of him. Anna and Kris were staying with him until they spoke to the lawyer. Even though Elsa and Liam were so young (just over 25), they did in fact have a will. Emma remembered Elsa insisting she and Liam get one when they found out she was pregnant with Henry. "Better safe than sorry," she had said.

Unfortunately, she was right.

The day before the funeral, Anna called Emma to say that the lawyer wanted to speak to Emma at her earliest convenience. Emma wrote down the office address before hanging up.

She looked at her own handwriting. Archie Hopper. What an odd name. Emma wasn't certain why she was so focused on the name, so much so that she sort of just zoned out for a moment.

"Hey, you okay?" someone asked her.

She looked up to see Mary Margaret Nolan and her husband David looking down at her. Mary Margaret and David were Elsa and Liam's neighbors. Emma has of course met them numerous times, and they were certainly nice enough. Slightly older that Emma (by maybe two years), they were married straight out of college and have been by each other's side all the time. Emma wasn't certain whether she has ever seen one without the other.

Mary Margaret was a pretty woman, with a pixie cut black hair and bright green eyes. And she had a full face, though the fact that she was seven months pregnant might have helped with that. And her husband David was the picture boy for the Boy-Next-Door trope. He had sandy colored hair that was always cut short and blue eyes. Both of them were extremely easy to talk to.

"Yeah," Emma said, shaking her head before looking up at them. "I'm okay. How are you doing? How's Henry?"

Mary Margaret and David were the neighbors who had been watching Henry the night of the accident. They were thankful - like everyone else - that Henry wasn't in the car with them. There would have been no way that he could have survived.

"Henry's okay." Mary Margaret looked down that the paper in Emma's hand. "Do you need to go see the lawyer?"

Emma quickly got up, making Mary Margaret and David back up. "Yeah, yeah, I'm suppose I do," she said, sort of in a daze. She's been in a daze since this whole mess started. She wondered if she would ever truly come out it.

"When?" David asked.

"Um, soon."

"You going now?"

"Um...I guess."

"I'll drive you," David suggested. Normally Emma would have objected, stating that she can obviously take her own car, but since she was so out of it, David driving would have been the smarter option.

When they pulled up in front of the law offices, Emma weakly thanked David before getting out. She opened the door and walked towards the correct offices before opening that one. When she walked into the waiting room, she saw the receptionist behind her desk and Killian Jones sitting on one of the hard chair, playing with his phone, a flask barely tucked behind his back. Emma didn't comment. Everyone deals with grief in their own way, and right now a drink sounded like a good idea.

When the receptionist saw Emma, she picked up the phone and called to the lawyer. He must have told her to tell them to come in, since when she hung up, she said to them, "You can go in."

Killian and Emma looked at each other. "Which one?" Killian asked.

"Both of you. He's needs to speak to you both."

Emma wondered what precisely the lawyer needed both of them for, but she figured that she would find out soon enough. Killian let her walk in first before following.

The lawyer's office was spacious, even with the amount of furniture it had in it. He had at least five filing cabinets against the one wall and his desk sat in front of a row of windows. He had a couch and a coffee table sitting in the middle of the room, and in front of his desk sat two chairs. When he saw Emma and Killian, he gestured to them.

"Sit, sit," he said in a soft voice.

Once they were both seated, he introduced himself. "My name is Archie Hooper and I am Elsa and Liam Jones's lawyer. Do you know why you were both called here?" They both shook their heads. "Okay, well, I have their will here and it contains both of you." He took a deep breath before folding his hands on his desk. "Has Elsa or Liam told you what would happen to Henry in the unlikely event of both of them dying?"

Emma's fingers started fidgeting and her heart pounded. What was going to happen to him? "No," she muttered. Killian shook his head.

"Well," Archie continued, "they have both stated that the legal guardians of Henry K. Jones would be...you."

Silence. And then both Killian and Emma leaned forward in their chairs and spoke at the same time.

"What do you mean, 'you'? Like both of us?" Killian asked.

"There has to be misunderstanding somewhere," Emma replied.

Archie held up his hands. "I know this is confusing, and I tried to talk them out of it. Having two people who are not in any form of relationship raising a child...it's complicated. But they insisted that it had to be you. Both of you."

"But I'm his brother!" Killian spoke up with more passion than he had in a week. "It makes sense for me, but for her?"

As much as Emma wanted to smack Killian, he did have a point. Emma wasn't Elsa's true sister, that was Anna. So while it made sense for Killian to take responsibility for Henry, why Emma and not Elsa's actual sister?

"I love Henry just as much as you do," Emma hissed at him.

"But you're not his true aunt, love, no matter how you think otherwise," he replied.

Before Emma could so much as inhale a deep breath to fight back, Archie said, "Now, please. Let's be civil about this. Elsa and Liam have it in their will - both of their wills that if something happened to both of them and they were unable to care for Henry, that--" The lawyer opened the will up to the right page and read it. "'Emma Swan and Killian Jones would be the legal guardians of Henry K. Jones.'" He looked up. "Of course you can think about it."

"How long do we have? To think about it," Killian asked.

"24 hours."

"And then what?" was Emma's concern.

"Well, if you two both decide that you are not fit to take care of Henry, he would go to Elsa's younger sibling, Anna."

"She's only 22," Emma pointed out. "And still in college. She can't raise a baby."

"Well, it would be her decision. However, if Anna too feels that she is not fit enough to take care of Henry, he would go to social services."

"And be put into a foster home? No." Emma sat back and crossed her arms. "Henry is not going anywhere near a foster house."

Killian raised an eyebrow at Emma's outburst, but otherwise said nothing.

Archie nodded. "I understand. But you have to also understand that if no one in his family wants him--"

"I want him," Killian interrupted.

Emma sat up straighter. "Me too. I want to take care of Henry."

Archie raised his eyebrows before saying, "I need you both to understand something of vital importance. Henry is not a toy. He is a living, breathing person who is only barely begun in life. This will not be easy. Being a parent is not an easy job and it is not for the faint of heart."

"Two seconds ago you're telling us to raise Henry, and now you're telling us not to?" Killian's eyebrows creased together. "I don't understand, mate, which is it?"

"I want to do what is best for Henry. Elsa and Liam felt that the two of you were capable of raising their child." Emma and Killian looked at each other from the corner of their eyes, but otherwise said nothing. It was definitely not a secret that Emma and Killian tolerated each other at best, and Elsa and Liam knew that. Why they would want to two people who can barely look at each other to raise their child was unbeknownst to them.

"How--How does this work?" Emma leaned forward. "Like...do we adopt him or...?"

"Well, they named you guardianship. So I just set up a court hearing to grant you temporary custody, and that's it.

"What if one of us wants to adopt him?" Killian asked.

"Well, that would be something that the two of you would need to work through. But, yes, if the judge rules that you, one of you, is capable of raising Henry, then you can adopt him. But let's not get ahead of ourselves." Archie looked at the two of them. They both looked so unsure of what was happening. Like two lost puppies trying to figure out a way home. "Can I make a suggestion? Maybe you two should move in, you know, until things get settled. They did, after all, leave you their house as well..."

"Wait what?" Emma asked.

"Live in their house?" Killian wanted to know.

"Oh, did I not mention that? You would be living in their place."

Emma's eyes opened wide. "We would live in their house?"

Archie nodded. "According to their will, except for a few personal items, everything belongs to the two of you. Their house, their cars, their furniture. Their finances would be used to cover anything for Henry, of course, and their life savings will help you a bit with the upkeep of this house. Their mortgage was paid off, so you two don't need to worry about that." He took a breath. "I think I covered everything. Now. What will your decision be? Will you two raise Henry or not?"

#csromcom18 #csromcom2018 #captain swan #fanfiction #once upon a time

[violetsystems]

#personal

It was a productive but discouraging week for the most part.  I received my second dose of the Pfizer shot on Wednesday.  I felt a little more exhausted than usual but I’m fine.  Thursday I had a message in my inbox on LinkedIn about a job.  Two or three weeks ago I had applied for another job which was seen but no reply.  The offer sounded interesting so I replied and they asked to schedule a phone call.  So this was to be the first human interview I’ve had since ten months or so ago.  The recruiter’s prescreening went pretty well.  The first call.  Which means there were a total of about three or four calls in a two hour span.  I’ve interviewed a lot of people over the years but never really had the reason to interview myself.  That happens when you are consecutively employed for twenty years.  So while I am a little rusty, this occasion I had a particularly good opener for a classic question.  What drew me to the job in the first place?  I had a nametag tucked above a cabinet from 2014 that I had forgotten about.  It was from when I attended a lecture by myself about Abenomics and the rebuilding of Japan after the Tsunami.  It was at the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago.  It’s pretty tight security in that building.  But in 2014 they let a malcontent like myself in there.  At the time I was doing a lot of work which LinkedIn now categorizes as “human rights.”  Mostly volunteering for local organizations like Japan America Society of Chicago to attend these lectures and even helping run a Korean fest with a chamber of commerce after work.  I did all this alone.  Mostly to network and meet new people.  This is back when I thought meeting new people was the answer.  The answer in the interview was a lot shorter but it impressed the screener enough to finish the call and send me the scary forms to fill out.  Then there was a call back.  “I’m so sorry we forgot to talk about wages.”  That really wasn’t my fault.  But that is always the hardest part.  The job offer was a six month contract and not salary.  So I quoted my current hourly rate which was seemingly too high for the recruiter.  So they quoted low.  Which worked out to be about half of my salary last year without benefits.  I still had interest.  It was remote work but I’m literally not very far and fully vaccinated.  I told them on the first call I had a zero trust office network set up for my consulting.  Then the tone started to get weird.  I had sent a 2020 resume because it was the most relevant.  That did not include my current consulting business.  The woman on the second call started to dig deeper after the salary question.  “Can you tell me what you’ve been doing since your last job at the school and why you didn’t include it on your resume?”  I explained that I formed a LLC back in later December and have been working for smaller clients freelance.  She asked me to edit my resume and add this.  She wanted it within the hour so she could “sell me to her hiring manager” properly to be considered for an interview.  I did so.  A third call.  “Can you add specifically the types of computers you supported?”  That was in there.  A request to fill out more scary forms for the federal reserve.  A fourth message.  “Can you add specifically the types of computer you supported at your old job as well?”  It was then I thought something was extremely fishy.  So I apologized and rescinded my offer.  Then I spent most of the rest of the day feeling like a failure.  Discouraging but productive.

I woke up the next morning to an email in my professional inbox from another person at the recruiting agency.  It was legal in nature informing me I had the option to file a EEO form.  This is tied to equal opportunity insofar that by signing it, the recruiter must by law share with their client all the names of applicants that they screened and probably why.  Do I expect any justice?  Not really.  I don’t know that I would have even been selected if I got the chance to interview.  It is a federal job after all.  The point is that in the eyes of a hiring manager at a recruitment agency, my resume did not seem strong enough.  If learning through failure is apparent, I shudder to think if I didn’t start a company back in December what my next interview would be like.  That is if I even get an interview.  I was reading this morning that HP and HP Enterprise are being hit with a class action for age discrimination.  There’s a lot of reasons for this.  But particularly when it comes to the money game, people fresh out of school are easier to leverage.  Whether it is tax breaks for hiring new grads or simply cheaper salaries with less experience, the agenda is simple.  Save more money so CEO’s and shareholders can get a bigger piece of the cut.  Meanwhile, America’s answer is that it is the perfect time to start your own business.  Then compete with huge sprawling mega corporations and recruitment firms that have galvanized the employment market with their magic show of balance sheets and deductions.  I’m qualified to do a lot of things which is great.  I just bought a drone so I could use the SDK to learn Python and UI design.  These are great things to add to my resume for 2021.  But the likelihood of being employable with no debt to speak of is like kryptonite to the job market.  Much less the fact that my entire professional network is scared to admit I’m alive in fear of them being blamed for favoring their job security over friendship.  I was very lucky to be where I was at when this happened back in July because of the CARES act.  I just finished the personal nightmare side of my taxes from that year on tax day.  There’s still my business to do.  Which if anything I’m more qualified to do these days, it’s your accounting.  Add those skills to the resume stat.  Along with all the computers you supported since before you were born.  Twice.  It still does not matter.  And this is where I hit this insane brick wall.  I try to be acknowledged and useful.  I try to be employable and valuable.  And I am treated in such a shitty and abusive way that I’m starting to wonder if I’m better off behind closed doors.  I have money.  I have deductions.   I have time on my hands to organize my life so I don’t spend unwisely.  I have a roof over my head with a verbal agreement at best.  And I have been living in the oblivion of no one wanting to admit fault or praise since July in varying degrees of comfort.  I’ve had people stalk me in the street because of the companies I’ve invested in like they’re the fucking mob.  I’ve gone through all of this alone while people have peeped over my shoulder.  And I’m supposed to think the law is on my side in a city that shoots thirteen year olds point blank in the chest with their hands up.  If I know one thing, it is what I can rely on.  And mostly that has been my own instinct, wisdom and prudent decisions.  And I know where I’m at at the end of the day.  Pretty much at the end of my rope with the whole process of being ignored and treated like some joke.  Then there’s people who see me in a different light.  A different hue of the spectrum.  Easier to read than my resume after it’s been edited fourteen times that’s for sure.

Things are extremely broken.  Living in a neighborhood and a sanctuary city sometimes you look for the places that aren’t.  Regardless of feeling useless and unemployable, there are times when I feel valued.  Times when people in the street follow me around more so in solidarity than fear.  People who want to be free to express themselves and look the way they feel.  People who don’t want to lower themselves to mediocre standards just to get ahead.  People who want to walk around without being judged by people who never critique themselves.  As fucked up as everything is, there’s another side to this coin.  People do get what I’m about.  That meme about people going to your hood or block and never hearing about you?  You try that shit with me and you are in for a history lesson these days.  There are no shortage of people in Chicago who will tell you all about me.  Some of it is skewed.  Some of it is nostalgia.  And then there’s people in this neighborhood who know all about stuff I haven’t told anyone.  Like I don’t sit on the weekends talking to my friends about who I like or who I think the world of.  I don’t really have the luxury of trusting many people in my situation.  And yet sometimes when I walk out to get groceries or pay the bills, someone is there to say it without even saying it.  That people just get what I’m about without me having to say anything.  Besides three paragraphs on the internet every week or so.  The reason I don’t fuck with people.  The reason I keep to myself.  The reason I don’t really care if you get me or not.  That confidence is something infectious.  That after all the fucking shit I’ve been through I keep it real regardless.  Every year some troll has to prove me wrong and fails.  Every failure proves a very clear point.  The problem isn’t me.  I’m not invisible.  I’m not hard to understand.  I’m not a liar or a traitor.  I’m literally just existing here while people size me up.  Nobody has asked my name or my agenda.  Nobody really has had enough of a human conversation to pry it out of me.  I’m an only child.  I grew up lonely and learned how to survive on my own.  I also learned begrudgingly to stand up for myself.  It doesn’t mean I don’t like society or am anti social.  How the fuck can I be anti social when everyone can’t stop talking about me in public?  I understand people are antsy, paranoid and fatigued because of the pandemic.  But some of us have literally been rolling through this warzone for years.  I’m supposed to feel humbled and privileged to be so lucky to have survived?  Fuck you.  The number one thing con artists try to do is fuck with your confidence.  Because we all know better by this point.  America is not working.  Specifically we can’t when we’re overqualified and a threat to the natural order of whatever corporate scam is going on these days.  The one thing I know is that people with actual money got richer this year.  Stocks, 401k’s, CEO salaries, tax breaks, and whatever else you throw in there.  If I learned one thing from starting an actual business, it’s that the books are overcooked for a reason.  Not that mine are.  Years and years of shady deals are hard to cover up.  Donald Trump took a loss on his business for years and evaded taxes.  I’m technically what they call going concern.  But there aren’t many tax breaks for me as a small business.  Nor is there much money coming in other than what I can hustle out of the market or royalties.  Did I mention I’m royalty?  Not in the Prince Harry sense of the word.  But I do hold the sword and shield up for feminism in America.  That much we’ve learned by now.  That and the glass ceiling is harsher for women than it is for me.  So maybe I’ll sit this one out and let the ladies take control.  In that I know my work is worth something.  Just consider me interning for the movement at the moment.  And make sure you sign that contract in bright pink because I’m not really paying attention to anything in the red.  As far as the federal reserve is concerned, my finances are in the green.  <3 Tim

[weconqueratdawn]

#fannibalselfrec event - Hannibal season one

Thanks to @hannibalficwriters for organising this, I’m looking forward to checking out everyone’s recs :)

I nearly decided not to take part - I have problems with self-reccing, especially when I think something has received ‘enough’ attention. It just seems greedy. But that’s a) stupid and b) I have a story I want to tell about the writing of this fic.

I have literally only one (1) which qualifies. Others have strayed too far into AU-land to count as taking place in S1. That fic is *drumroll*:

Cathexis

Hannibal/Will ~ 57k words ~ Explicit

A Season 1 BDSM AU

Summary: What if Hannibal's sadistic tendencies only find expression through consensual BDSM relationships? Set in a Season 1 AU where Will is allowed to continue teaching, relatively undisturbed by Jack, and seeks Hannibal's professional help of his own accord.

The story I want to tell is how I went from not even thinking about writing, to writing something which juuussst about qualifies as a short novel (if we go by word count) in the same bound. (And how you can too! No, just kidding - I hate those kinds of terrible advice blogs. But stick with me, there’s things in this story which might be relevant for anyone reading.)

Before this fic, I wasn’t writing. Anything. Not only that, but I wasn’t even a frustrated writer who wanted to write but couldn’t. The idea of writing had never occurred to me. Sure, I was a frustrated creative person - I have been all my life, even since I was a very small child. Just before this fic, I had been studying fine art with a load of other adult learners and trying to engage with the contemporary arts scene in a fairly amateurish but genuine way. I would have described myself as an artist. My creative friends are sculptors and printmakers and painters. We had just finished putting on a group exhibition - just to see if we could - and were thinking vaguely of other things we might do together in the future.

Enter fandom. I had come to Hannibal post-cancellation and watched all three seasons breathlessly, then wandered around Tumblr reading meta and finding great fic and thinking WHY OH GOD WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS in a way which is familiar to anyone who has just Found Hannigram.

My gf is a fandom-savvy individual and we usually talk about our obsessions, whether they're shared or not. We came up with something which we found funny and which you most likely won’t - after steeping ourselves in Hannibal's god-complex we thought it would be hilarious to reduce him down to a common-or-garden bedroom sadist. He would make bad bondage puns and have a dungeon instead of a murder basement. Lololol etc. I even went so far as to refer to this as Fifty Shades of Graham, which if you know me, demonstrates how un-serious I was about it.

I DID NOT INTEND TO WRITE THIS is what I am trying to say. It was a joke, a bad one, and a private one. I never intended to be a writer* at all. 

Because apparently, unbeknown to me, that’s what I’ve been all this time. Secretly, under the surface somewhere. And what I think is this: I just wasn’t ready to be a writer before. I wasn’t ready to discover this about myself. The things that I did before - all the visual art, all my academic studies and crap jobs - all have, in differing and subtle ways, all fed into this part of me which wasn’t ready to come out yet. 

And I also think that this is happening to all of us. It’s just as true for you as it is for me. We all have hidden pockets of potential, things even the most self-aware of us do not know about, or refuse to look too closely at. Those pockets might not lead directly to anything life changing, they may be paths to other, deeper and more difficult to find pockets. Or simply to activities and interests we find enjoyable, a way of doing something just for ourselves or of meeting people we need in our lives.

A wise person on the internet said “follow the rabbit-holes”. They all lead to the same place anyway, and the easiest path there is the one of least resistance. Follow that strange tug, dive in, see where it leads you without worrying about the destination. You might end up being very surprised.

*It took me maybe six months to start to feel I could use the hallowed word Writer when talking about myself, and now I can even tell complete strangers this without blushing and feeling like a fraud.

18 months later and I can't imagine not planning all my not-work time around writing - I think about it constantly. It nags at me when I’m prevented from doing it by other commitments. My weeks and weekends are based squarely around which project I'm working on and how much time I have until that deadline, self-imposed or not. I have so many projects lined up they are constantly being juggled and re-ordered so I can try to maximise my available writing time in the most effective way. I’m even looking beyond fandom and beginning work on an original novel. And it all started with this fic.

For the really curious, here is how Cathexis got written (under the cut):

I read even more fic (really amazing and intimidatingly good fic too) and even more meta and I thought more and more about Hannibal and Will’s complex dynamic. The BDSM AU became less of a joke and more of a place where that could be explored without getting too tangled up in the difficulties of Will’s relationship with Hannibal. I thought about it often. There was so much discussion and activity in the fandom that the idea of putting down your feelings in the form of a story didn’t seem so strange.

But still, it didn’t seem like that was the route for me. Until, one morning after Christmas, I woke up with dialogue in my head (those moments just before and after waking are so good for weird happenings like this). I didn’t move, didn’t do anything at all, before I wrote it down on my phone. It felt like a strange thing to do at the time - trespassing in a place I didn’t quite belong. It was a compulsion. I just knew I had to do it.

I had no idea if more would follow or if I even wanted more to follow. But more did. I wrote that down to, in the same place (which, by the way, was the note app *not* anything as official as a Google Doc - the very idea :0 !!) 

It took me maybe three-four weeks of this to brave the idea of doing something with the snatches of dialogue and scattered notes which had built up. They had become pieces of a puzzle which I needed to solve - until then, I knew I wouldn’t find any peace.

I had been talking with @wraithsonwingsposts​ about the show and had encouraged her to work on a fic idea she had been playing around with. She returned the favour and was so fantastic and supportive all the way through - and therefore, this is all her fault, as she already knows ;)

The rest of the story was the same for anyone undertaking a piece of writing - one word at a time, much time staring at a blinking cursor, a lot of editing. But overall, I think what got this written and completed was keeping my aims simple. The were 1) see it through to the end (i.e. solve the puzzle), and 2) try not to make a complete tit out of myself.

I know for certain I hit one of those goals.

**************************************

Bonus: for the very-very-very curious, here is the original and un-edited version of the I wrote that morning (a version of which appears in Chapter 8), and the first thing I wrote since school:

"What kinds of things do you say when you... afterwards?" "I thought you found it too difficult to hear?" "I want to know. I can catch the odd word, but the way you say it... I like the way you sound." Hannibal hesitated for a tiny moment. Will smiled and said, "I thought it was for my benefit only you don't say it in English." Hannibal sighed and conceded, "Perhaps it's easier, sometimes." He moved closer to Will, made it almost impossible for Will to escape from what Hannibal had to tell him, and to study his face as he spoke. "I call you my darling, my lovely Will, so precious to me. I tell you how beautiful I find you, how complete my desire is and how abandoned you make me. I tell you that you are mine and belong to me, that I shall never leave you, that you have made me yours. I praise you, for being so very good, for indulging me, and for indulging yourself also. I tell you that you deserve it, and more, and I tell you I love you." Will went very quiet, almost not breathing. He had known what to expect but to hear it stated so simply was almost too much. Hannibal continued to look steadily at him, waiting. Will turned over suddenly, so he no longer could watch Hannibal's face, and pressed himself back into his body. Hannibal moved to accommodate, folding him arms around him and holding him tight. He brought his legs up so his thighs pressed into the back of Will's, and his ankles tangled with Will's also. They lay there for a few moments without speaking, bodies perfectly aligned. Will felt safe again. "If you wish to explore these issues, I have a suggestion. There are things you could wear, even in public, which could serve to remind you of my possession. Something more concrete than a bruise or a bite mark." Will considered how it might feel to have such a reminder, one he could feel wherever he was. An image came to him of a collar made of plain but good quality leather. It could be concealed under his shirts, especially if he wore ties. It would be slim but solid, with one heavy buckle to fasten it. He could almost feel it's weight resting on the back of his neck, like Hannibal had placed his hand there. Will opened his mouth to speak and then realised Hannibal was holding and touching his hand gently. The gesture was so soft and specific that Will had to look, to watch Hannibal's hands. Realisation dawned on him. Hannibal was meditatively rubbing small circles up and down in between the second and third knuckles of his third finger on his left hand. Will turned over to catch Hannibal around the shoulders and demanded, "Did you just ask me to marry you?"

Cathexis on ao3

#fannibalselfrec #hannibalficwriters #hannigram #hannigram fic #hannibal #my fic #cathexis #wow that was a lot of words about me #:0 #writing stuff

[thewafflewhat]

22/07/17 (9th time) (evening)

So, let’s start off this rant with the glow stick fiasco. I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about glow stick gate, but if you haven’t, I’ll give you some context now: I’m standing in one of the two massive fat-off queues either side of the building to get in when suddenly this woman walks past handing out glow sticks saying that it was for Wicked, and for some reason I thought she was with the theatre so I took some (free glow sticks!) and stuck them in my mother’s bag. There were four in each little pack; two green and two pink, and there was a little note on them that said something to the effect of ‘get them out when Elphaba hands Glinda the book in For Good’ and I just thought ‘aw that’s cute! Like for the last ever show in Germany! That’ll be cute omg the AV staff are being really cute this cast change’… Until less than a minute later, a woman in the FOH suit walked down the line in the opposite direction taking all of the glow sticks off of everyone, and tbh I didn’t want to give mine in because even if they weren’t going to be used in the show they’re still free fucking glow sticks! Who turns down free glow sticks?! But they were doing bag checks on the way into the theatre (as an extra security measure after all of the terror attacks across the UK since the start of the year) and I figured they’d get taken off of me on the way in anyway… So I gave them to the woman as she came back down the line to head back into the theatre.

So, the FOH staff know when the glow sticks are going to be pulled out and they were on high fucking alert going into that part of the scene (although I’d almost forgotten about them at that point) so when Elphaba passes the Grimmerie to Glinda just before FG all you heard were the cracks of glow sticks that the people giving them out had still managed to sneak in, and then suddenly there was a FOH staff member crouching down and running down every single aisle (that I could see of the stalls from where I was sitting) to tell anyone holding the glow sticks to put them down so they wouldn’t be distracting, and it was the funniest goddamn thing I think I’ve ever seen in that theatre not related to the show. Legitimately, I was half immersed in the scene (only half because I didn’t want to start crying in public…) and I heard the cracks and had a bit of an ‘oh shit’ moment when I remembered about the glow sticks and then I just started laughing.

ANYWAY altogether that incident probably lasted less than 30 seconds and no one got the glow sticks out again, not even for the curtain call and speeches. And that was glow stick gate, now onto my other rambling!

- Random thought before I start to properly ramble but the cogs on the set actually turn! It took me seeing the show nine time to finally see it but I thought it was so cool!

- I said it before when I went to see Kerry’s last show but I’ll say it again: the audience for cast change dates (specifically last show dates) is fucking electric, there’s so much love from just about everyone in the theatre and I’m glad I got the chance to experience it again; it’s Wicked at its best imo, purely because the cast gives as good as they get and react accordingly to all the love and extra attention from the audience, and you can really tell that they were savouring every second

- The best example I can think of to try and describe what the atmosphere was like to anyone who wasn’t at the show was the applause that went on for a ridiculous amount of time for just about every principle cast member for their first entrance.

- Suzie’s lasted for a literal minute (which made “it’s good to see me isn’t it” and “no need to respond, that was rhetorical” even better imo) and I just remember never wanting it to stop because you could literally feel the love radiating from the audience! I felt so fucking proud because all of those people were clapping and cheering FOR HER! This smol Aussie bean who joined the cast in September who crept into the hearts of every single person who saw the show during that time. Like I haven’t seen one bad word said about her online and she always seems so gracious and lovely (and you’ll know that I fucking love her if you read the last one of these I did back in January) and she fucking deserved that applause. I’m so happy she got it, and it set the tone for the entire show that, yes, this was going to be a beautiful show full of love not just between the cast on stage but from the audience to the cast as well.

- If I thought Suzie’s applause lasted a long time then Willemijn’s lasted for a goddamn eternity. I’ve never heard anything like it, and I’m so fucking glad that she got that support and felt that love from everyone in the auditorium. *BEWARE FANGIRLING AHEAD* The amount of love and pride I felt for her in that single moment was off the fucking charts. If someone could go back to 2014 and tell that Willemijn that in 3 years she’d be back in the London production of Wicked getting the chance to properly finish her run, not just in London but for the whole show, after a decade with the role, getting to celebrate her own special 10th anniversary along with the London production, and the fact that she was STILL getting that much support and love from audience members from around the entire goddamn globe, I don’t think she would have believed you. And that just speaks to how humble she is to this day about all of the opportunities she’s had with this role and this show, and all of that is just a testament to how much she loves the show, the role, her cast mates (from all of the numerous companies), and all of her fans. I’m just so glad I got a chance to see Willphaba’s ‘super Elphie’ when I did as many times as I got to!

- Sue Kelvin got applause when she came on too and she absolutely lapped it up. She was loving it so much, she even did a tiny curtsey when the applause didn’t stop.

- Oliver Saville got some love when he first came on but it didn’t go on for nearly as long as Suzie or Willemijn’s (mostly just because it felt so awkward for the applause to keep going on when he was pretending to be asleep so he couldn’t savour it in quite the same way as the others)

- Mark Curry got applause when he first entered too (which I thought was so lovely! I’ve never seen a Wizard get applause but I really came to love Mark’s interpretation so I’m glad he got some love)

- I also have to give props to the audience for being respectful and waiting until the end of songs to clap (instead of starting to clap before the music has even ended and going over the top with it), and for the fact that any clapping mid song didn’t go on for a silly amount of time (just enough to show appreciation for the moment without interrupting the rest of the song; like when Willemijn flew in DG, and when she comes up for the start of NGD) which made me feel pretty proud, especially since I remember Kerry’s LAST last show and there was none of that respectfulness… Yay! Audiences growing up with the show over the years!!

- Major side note: the audience should really learn to take cues from the ensemble; if they’re laughing, you shouldn’t be. That literally resolves all issues of laughing at the shit that isn’t funny, AND if the atmosphere on stage is serious then you don’t laugh! Like when Dr. Dillamond bleats during SB there was this drunk woman (who’d clearly seen the show before) who mumbled along to the end of his lines and then laughed hysterically when he bleated. There’s a big difference in atmosphere for a serious scene vs. what is supposed to be comedic (the bleating vs. the train station scene, for example) and I’m still waiting for the day that an entire audience actually gets that.

- (I’m also waiting for the day when the audience actually laughs at all the stuff that IS funny. I’ve seen far too many shows where I’m laughing because the line or the delivery of the line is funny but no one else around me is laughing. Like, it’s fucking funny, just laugh)

- Willemijn is The Riff Queen™ god she really left no prisoners with this show, a wonderful send off to the six month run she had, creating new riffs left, right and centre at random fucking weekday shows.

- (Here’s a short ‘Willemijn is queen’ thing) During the last section of TWAI she doesn’t take a breath all the way from the start of ‘with me’ right through until the end of ‘things I’ve never felt’ but she never loses any power or volume in any of the phrases (once I realised it I’ve been checking to see if other Elphies do it and none of them do. Some of them manage from ‘with me’ to the end of ‘with the Wizard’ but none of them can manage to sustain it for as long as Willemijn. Super Elphie to the max!)

- Both Suzie and Willemijn’s little Americanisms in pronunciation were still there but I can’t fault them for that, their accents were otherwise truly convincing (although Willemijn did seem to trip up on the line “so you think I should just shut up, is that it?” during the lion cub scene but that was really the only line)

- Suzie and Willemijn still broke my heart in all the right places (like Elphaba’s dance! Suzie did the eye contact thing again and my heart ached)

- Popular is hilarious. More specifically, Suzie’s Popular is hilarious. In fact, it’s the funniest part of the entire damn show (but only if the actress playing Galinda lets it be and also if whoever the Elphaba is plays along with it too), purely because of the ‘toss toss’ bit. I do think it just speaks to the chemistry Willemijn tends to have with her Glindas, and the way that she plays off of what each Glinda gives her. Suzie’s ‘toss toss’ has a laugh AND a gesture after it so watching poor little awkward Willphaba react to that is always a good time. It had me proper belly laughing, I can’t lie. ALSO! Suzie’s little lip puckers when she puts on the lipstick makes me chuckle every time, and then to add to the moment, Willemijn wipes the lipstick off and then proceeds to wipe it on Galinda’s bed!

- Elphie not only keeps the pink flower that Galinda gives her but she also doesn’t take it off until just after Fiyero catches her practicing her hair toss and tells her she doesn’t have to glam herself up, and I just realised that I find it really cute that the flower and the new found Gelphie friendship clearly means that much to her that she kept the goddamn flower, I mean!

- Low E in INTG!

- There are little flashes in lighting for any small downbeats during OSD and I realised it to simulate photographs being taken! Gelphie being tourists and being dorky and taking photos together is my new favourite thing!

- I’ve said before how much I love the fact that any time Suzie’s on stage she’s acting her goddamn heart out even if she isn’t the focus during that moment, so I was watching her to see her reactions to certain things and she smiles when Elphie casts her first spell!!! A proud smile! It was the most beautiful thing!!!!!!!!!!!!

- (I’ve flailed about Willemijn’s final DG in a few posts before posting this so I’ll just link them here (x) (x))

- Low G in INTG reprise!

- Willemijn did her line Kerry Ellis style after ALAYM! (As did Rachel Tucker for her last show this year too)

- Willemijn’s witch cackle during the cat fight scene is seriously unmatched and I already miss it.

- There wasn’t a note match going into NGD but it’s because Suzie’s speaking voice is quite deep compared to some other Glindas (Savannah has quite a deep speaking voice too, I think it might be a London thing) so when she yelled ‘Fiyero’ it wasn’t as high pitched and screechy as some others, and then Willemijn still went ‘fuck it I’m gonna belt a super high note anyway’ which means the transition between the two wasn’t seamless but goodness me Willemijn Verkiak!

- NGD is Willemijn’s song all over, I don’t even give a single fuck.

- Sue Kelvin’s Madame Morrible is bullying Glinda even before their little scene in MOTWH (in fact you could see it in TG, when the Ozians were spreading those horrible rumours about Elphaba, Suzie was reacting to each thing and then turned around to Morrible to protest and got shut down and turned back around with a fake smile), it’s just that is when you actually see it first hand in the show. I love it when cast members have enough experience to create those small moments between themselves that only adds to their character and the mini arcs in each act.

- I also have to give some merit to Sue Kelvin’s Madame Morrible, her ‘wicked witch’ never failed to give me chills, and every tiny nuance from her line delivery to her stage presence just makes me love her more; there will never be another like her.

- There were no noticeable sound issues this time (thank fuck, sound no. 1 has finally learned!) but the mix still sounds really weird to my ears and for what I enjoy.

- Willemijn and Suzie started their bows hugging! The door opened on them at the right time and they were standing there hugging each other :’) (x)

- There were 21 cast members who left the company for this cast change! Just about every single principal apart from Nessa and Dillamond left and a large number of the ensemble (although there were a whopping 23 cast members who left for the 2016 cast change just before the 10th anniversary cast joined the show)

- Willemijn was crying during her speech, Suzie was crying, the ensemble was crying, my heart was fucking crying ugh

- You could really tell just how much the whole company love each other as well

- Popular was Suzie’s song from the beginning! She auditioned with it for WAAPA when she completely changed the course she was studying! I’m so glad she got to finish her Wicked journey in London.

- All in all, the principles from the 10th anniversary casts were all incredible and they’ll be sorely missed in the global Wicked family (though you never can be too sure with any of them, saying they’re done with the role and then ‘surprise bitch’)

So the moral of this story is: when you’ve already seen your show 3 times in under 2 months, the only way you can possibly see them any closer together is to just go on the same day!

#my ventures into the world of Wicked at the Apollo Victoria #Wicked #(forever for the sake of my tag) #let’s pretend that it didn’t take me over a month to get both of these written and on my blog #as if I didn’t need a deadline to finish this evening one #I ended up rushing this because I wanted it up before I went on holiday otherwise it would never have been done #I wanted to take my time with it and nurture it because I feel incredibly invested in these actors but I think I nurtured it too much #I'm pretty sure this is the longest one of these I've done yet #if you read through it I am so sorry #also gotta be honest when I say I should’ve done these before I had any outside influences #like I’ve been watching and listening to some older performances and it totally affected what I thought about certain aspects #and the way I’m writing about those things too #like how I actually love Suzie a lot more than I thought I did at the time (how that is possible idk but it happened) #and how I’ve been listening to Willemijn do crazy things outside of the show too #so I’ve been fangirling over them even more now than I was just after the shows #oops