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desultory-novice · 3 months

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"Brighter Skies"

...Ended up drawing this while working on other sketches. Because my brain is just wired for wistful, emotional takes I guess XD

Arguably, White-Haired Noir, the Noir who lived, is the Noir who had the hardest journey learning to love not hate himself. Teenage Noir could have never imagined this kind of life for him, because his whole life, he'd just been waiting to die.

In Darkened Skies, when he makes a soft, restrained plea to Kirby for that blessed mercy kill, some part of him was relieved, calm even, that he'd finally survived to the point where he might at last be set free from the pain of living. An ironic wish...

It's a damn hard thing to learn: to live and live positively for yourself. To trust and move forward even though you're lost and confused and making constant dumb mistakes and there's no one around to reassure you, "Of course you're a good big brother!" (or whatever else one might be) when, hell, you don't FEEL good on the inside, but somehow you still NEED to hear it. And to hear it from someone else, because you've lost the ability to trust your own voice ages ago...

Kirby's "stop" is referring back to asking Dark Matter Swordsman to stop the invasion of Popstar (1) but in a general context can also be read as "I'm glad you learned to stop hurting yourself."

(1) Random Apologies AU AU Lore

As White-Haired Noir grew up, he became aware that he is only alive because he exists in a branch dimension. He was never supposed to survive. Adeleine was. His fate was always to become Dark Matter's Swordsman and be consumed, body and soul. You only have to live on Popstar for a while to pick up on the existence of alternate dimensions/timelines, and Adult Noir knows he is living in one.

Kirby, through some mysterious power no one can explain, is also aware of this. Furthermore, on occasion, he expresses explicit, true knowledge of the main timeline, while Noir himself only has guesses about how a world without him would have played out.

(These sideways flashes mean that this Kirby does know about and misses playing with Adeleine, same as he would miss the absence of any of his friends, but Apologies AU AU Kirby cares equally about Noir. He could not trade one sibling/one friend for the other.) (2)

Even when he wasn't sure his existence was an anomaly, White-Haired Noir spent most of his later teenage years trying to find a way to "fix things," to either trade his life back for Adeleine's or to bring her back through some other means. It was following the Apologies AU Star Dream incident where Noir finally realized pursuing this path would only end up with him dead and no one happy. He began, at last, to accept his own reality not as an anomaly or a mistake but as something fragile, yes, something unprepared for, yes, but entirely and wholly for him and to start to cherish his own existence.

Now, if you were to wave a wish granting star or magic wand in front of Noir, he would solemnly decline it. And if you dropped a random AU Adeleine in his lap, he would do no more than give his alternate sister the warmest hug (she would be willing to accept XD) and tell her that, whether his words sound like utter nonsense or not, "Your older brother wishes you all the happiness in the world."

Then he'd send her back on her way.

(2)

This is ki~nd of meta-textual based on the fact that while Kirby isn't ever really like "Oh man, Meta Knight's not in this game!" we the players are aware of it and put our feelings into Kirby.

...Or something. I thought it was a fun idea at least?! ^^

#Kirby #Apologies AU #Apologies AU AU #noir (human form dms)#Sometimes Apologies is literally JUST a story about a boy who picks up a cursed sword while trying to help his sister #Other times it is one giant metaphor #...I got so caught up I forgot to post this this afternoon!!!#Now I'm back to cringing about White-Haired Noir haha...#Sneaks in a heartfelt post about depression and the recovery from such in the middle of the night when no one's awake

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whsprings · 8 months

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while walking the streets of the neighborhood nearest to my apartment, I spotted a woman crouching in her front yard. she smiled and waved me over. "these are persimmons!" she showed me, "see, you don't pick them off the tree, you pick them off the ground once they're ripe." she gestured to the small, soft, orange fruits littered around her. "would you like some? here, I'll get you a sack. the ones from this tree are firmer," she rambled as she gathered handfuls of the fruit before disappearing into her home for a paper bag. as she returned she instructed me, "don't wash them, just a quick rinse will do." I thanked her profusely for her gift and she just smiled and said "no, thank you. really."

I barely got myself out of bed this morning, have been struggling for weeks with basic tasks due to my depression making an ugly return. some days I sleep for 16+ hours, just wishing the day would end. I teared up as I walked away from that woman's home with a small sack of ripe fruits. the kindness of a stranger can be so overwhelming, so healing. love is real and it is stored in the persimmons.

#writing #mental health #ed recovery #depression #depression recovery #persimmons #kindness #love is stored in the kitchen #love is stored in food #food #story #short story

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cartoonchaos · 8 months

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“gee i wonder why there’s still so much more fanfiction about male characters” “we need more morally complex female characters” “i love relationships that are doomed by the narrative” “more stories need to treat mentally ill characters with compassion and respect” “all his problems could’ve been fixed if he only went to therapy” you fuckers can’t even handle the ending of fionna and cake

#i’m not one to go online and complain fruitlessly about how media literacy is in the toilet but jesus christ #it’s actually devastating seeing so many people actively reject a brilliant and emotionally challenging show #all because they refuse to examine anything about themselves #if you’re genuinely pissed petrigrof wasn’t endgame and the show couldn’t quote unquote let them be happy #if you’re seriously mad your favorite doomed yuri was in fact doomed by the narrative #if you can’t enjoy petrigrof anymore because you now know it’s quote unquote problematic or toxic and not a perfect tragedy #please i beg of you watch it again #this show beat you over the head with a children’s book and then you misunderstood it somehow and then whined about your headache #and if you for realsies believe this show is pushing an unhealthy message with how it handled simon’s depression #this show that showed him so much compassion and understanding and gave him closure and let him move on and grow and seek help #if you think betty was too harsh on him #the betty that sentenced the man who doomed her to life #to live a happy and healthy life #to seek help and grow and become an individual not defined by his grief #if you think that’s seriously equivalent to telling a depressed person to just cheer up #then you are legitimately anti-recovery #i really hope you guys learn how to engage healthily with complex media #one would’ve thought steven universe taught us all a lesson #but i guess a million casper and nova level stories won’t be enough for some of you #here’s hoping you don’t just kin simon but actually follow his example #get therapy #loony rambles #fionna and cake #simon petrikov #betty grof #petrigrof #adventure time

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smoking-witch · 8 days

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Yes it absolutely was from lack of trying & also all his other abuse

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quietly-by-myself · 5 months

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Fearless - Chapter 9

Masterlist

CW: fantasy whump, nonhuman whumpee, dhampir/vampire whumpee, human whumpee, mutual caretaking, emotional whump, recovery whump, aftermath whump, aftermath of trauma, denial, angst, depressed whumpee, PTSD

===

There were few secluded places on the island, especially for two young adults escaping the Dragon King. The only places that remained uninhabited were those where landmines laced the forest grounds from wars long past.

It would seem like a madman’s feat to build a house where landmines threatened to blow the foot off of anyone who dared to walk the land. However, with Kaloyan’s magic, Nikolay and Kaloyan were able to safely traverse the forest to a field with a beautiful pond.

Nikolay could only imagine that the field had once been home to barracks. Weeds grew where cattails had been cut down. Thistles stung their unclothed feet, but neither of them cared. Calluses protected them from the worst of the damage. Had life been good for the soldiers who’d lived in this scenic little piece of land?

For a moment, Nikolay could forget that war raged around them. That the land he was to inhabit was only abandoned because not even the Dragon King was daring enough to fight there.

The construction of the house was easy enough with Nikolay’s magic. Kaloyan would use his magic to cut down trees and Nikolay’s magic would refine them into planks, then planks into walls and floors. It was their peace of paradise, even as the two slept under the stars while the house went up.

A dock, a roof, four walls, a small kitchen with a stove for heat made of refined river stones - this was their home. The final day of construction was a joyous occasion. Kaloyan went out hunting while Nikolay put the door on the house.

When Kaloyan returned, Nikolay smiled at him.

“Want to come in?”

Kaloyan smiled in return. “More ready than I’ve ever been.”

Kaloyan was the one who turned the knob. Though they’d entered the house during construction, it was different now. There was a magic to it. The house was theirs. It would be their home, in the middle of a forest of landmines, where they could live in peace. As boys turned to men by war, it was all they could’ve hoped for.

The stove soon burned with fire from Kaloyan’s magic. Though it was empty of any furniture, the forest not having had anything to help them make any, it was more home than either of the two men had ever felt before.

Kaloyan approached Nikolay and, for the first time, pulled Nikolay into a hug.

“I’m so glad I picked you to be my bonded mage.”

Nikolay didn’t say anything in return, though he certainly felt the same. Instead, he relaxed into the dhampir’s arms, relaxing for the first time in what felt like a century.

—

A broken door, smashed dishes, and blood on the floor marred Nikolay and Kaloyan’s perfect home. Nikolay hardly remembered how any of the damage had happened. Had he been cooking? There was food on the floor, near the broken dishes.

Looking around, Nikolay realized he needed to get Kaloyan to a bed. Gently, Nikolay shook Kaloyan. Kaloyan let out a heartbreaking whimper at the gentle shake.

“Don’t hurt me.”

Nikolay pulled his hand back immediately, shocked. “Kaloyan, it’s just me. I want you to get to your bed.”

Their beds had been left untouched when Dimitar and his group had raided the place. It was a kindness that Nikolay hadn’t expected from someone like Dimitar. At that moment, though, all it meant was that Kaloyan could lie down for now.

Once Kaloyan was in bed, Nikolay went to the kitchen. He was starving, but knew not to feed himself too quickly after the starvation. With a little bit of magic, the frozen meat that they’d stored was quickly cooked over the stove that was all too easy to light.

As Nikolay took a seat at their table that only had one chair that wasn’t broken to eat, he heard crying. It was Kaloyan.

The sound struck all the words out of Nikolay. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to react? Kaloyan thought that Nikolay hated him. Of course, too affected by what they’d gone through, Kaloyan couldn’t look through their bond to see that Nikolay didn’t hate him. In fact, Nikolay loved Kaloyan more than ever.

Sure, hearing Kaloyan say that he hated Nikolay had affected Nikolay. How could it not? Nikolay, though, hadn’t been hurt by it. Rather, it had infuriated him. It had hurt him to see his best friend say that - only because Kaloyan had been abused so badly. Nikolay was tormented by seeing his friend so severely mutilated, mentally and physically.

Kaloyan had gotten it worse than him. Nikolay was sure of it. As much as Nikolay hated to admit it, Kaloyan was just more sensitive than him, too. Everything affected Kaloyan more than Nikolay.

How the hell was Nikolay supposed to help Kaloyan? The words of the mage came back to him, but Nikolay hadn’t been traumatized. He’d fought back. He’d escaped and rescued Kaloyan. To say he was traumatized would be a lie. Kaloyan was the one who was traumatized.

So why then did they need to follow the path of healing together, if Nikolay wasn’t traumatized?

Fuck.

Never before had Nikolay felt so helpless. Not with the Dragon King. Not with his father’s death. Not with anything. Why? Why had Kaloyan been hurt? Why the innocent one?

Why are you guilty if Kaloyan is innocent?

That question planted in his head by that ancient mage echoed in Nikolay’s head. Nikolay had no good answer to it. What was wrong with him? He was the strong one. Why couldn’t he be stronger?

The days passed slowly. Kaloyan showed a smile to Nikolay, but Nikolay knew the truth - Kaloyan was getting worse. Between the crying and the nightmares that woke them both up, Nikolay knew Kaloyan was slipping away. Kaloyan was a shell of the person who was his best friend. Nikolay didn’t know what to do.

In his head, Nikolay cried to some higher power, the goddess he’d worshiped for years but who’d forsaken Nikolay, for help. He needed help. Kaloyan was hurt. Kaloyan was hurt. Nikolay-

Nikolay was hurt, too.

Just admitting that made the helplessness fifty times worse. How was he supposed to help Kaloyan when he himself was hurt?

His hands weren’t the same. When he tried to fix the legs of the chairs Dimitar’s followers had broken, his hands couldn’t wrap entirely around the chair legs.

Nikolay was weak. Why had he fought so stupidly? Why couldn’t he have been smarter? Why? Why was life like this? Why had his goddess forsaken him? Why had his father died? Why had he fallen for the Dragon King’s lies?

Drowning was the only word Nikolay could put to his emotions. He was running out of oxygen, sinking, confused, and unable to find his way to the surface. The tight feeling in his shoulders and chest never went away.

Wheezing. Gasping. Heaving. What was he supposed to do?

Nikolay did the only thing he knew how to - throw himself into work. Kaloyan spent most of his time in bed and was refusing to eat. Nikolay didn’t blame him. However, Nikolay needed to work. He knew it was dangerous to feel so helpless and work was the only way he could stop feeling.

Working on the house was no easy task. Besides the door that had been broken in, all the windows needed repairs. The roof had been in a state of disrepair for a while - Nikolay needed to fix that. He needed to check the integrity of the foundation. He needed to help Kaloyan.

Fixing the house was helping Kaloyan. How could Kaloyan feel safe in a house that bore the damage of his tormentor?

So, Nikolay fixed the house. The door came first, then the windows. However, as Nikolay got to the roof, he noticed something. When he’d try to manipulate the logs into planks, they wouldn’t become smooth. They wouldn’t feel weatherproof as Nikolay had intended.

Yes, helplessness was indeed dangerous for someone of his magic. He was losing his magic. He was becoming Tainted.

However, helplessness fed into helplessness. How was Nikolay supposed to break the cycle? Sure, he’d broken the cycle of violence, but violence had replaced itself with helplessness. After all, if he couldn’t fight it, how was Nikolay supposed to fix it?

Sitting by one of the walls where a bullet hole pierced pristine wood, Nikolay found his heart full of ire. Why couldn’t he just be stronger? Kaloyan needed him to be strong. Yet, somehow, Nikolay couldn’t be strong.

As he tried to fix the hole, manipulate the wood around him to repair it, his magic fizzled.

Damn it all.

Resigned for the first time in a long time, Nikolay buried his face in his hands and cried, trying to keep the noise down so as to not alert Kaloyan.

Nikolay was going to become Tainted. He was going to become like the beast that had hurt Kaloyan. The beast that had hurt him. He was traumatized by that beast. That trauma was going to be his downfall.

Tears rolled down his face as he realized that Kaloyan would truly hate him. Not words that Dimitar would force out of his mouth, but true, unadulterated hatred for a beast.

Nikolay wanted to stop it. Nikolay wanted to change himself. He wanted to be strong. As he sat there, sobbing quietly, though, Nikolay realized that he never would be again. He would become Tainted and Kaloyan would hate him, if Kaloyan didn’t die in the process.

===

Tags: @whumpsday, @i-can-even-burn-salad, @whumpworld, @darkthingshappen, @pigeonwhumps, @rabass, @whither-wander-whump, @whumpshaped, @espresso-depresso-system, @oddsconvert

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darkhorsedantes · 2 months

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[Poetry]

⚠️Trigger Warning⚠️:

Mental illness. Graphic violence. Poetry.

[If you are hurting, seek help! Talk to someone!❣️]

...Alone...

Cast away.

Trapped in these dark asylums,

Without a heart to fight with.

My only friends in the world were the shadows crying,

Saying, 'Just let go Dantès, join us dying'.

Alone with Lilith in the darkness,

A lustful tempest siren,

Her soft hands upon me as she's gently sighing,

Saying, 'Don't fear the fall, come join me flying,

I'll give you everything that she's been denying,

Just stay with me forever and I'll show you Zion'

"Craven boy who's Sorrow Laden!

Beset by dreams more gravely graven,

Than all of sorrow's souls both lost or taken.

Give your heart to me, you'll no longer be jaded,

& Bear what time remains with fairfarren maidens."

"It's all untrue the love you think you feel,

It can never exist because it was never real,

Unless you choose to choose me,

We can make a deal,

Not a drop of blood pour it out with zeal!

Come Dantès, you do see my appeal,

I could peel away your skin & watch your blood congeal,

I won't steal a kiss but to you I'll reveal

Everything your dark heart's tried to conceal

Then you'll choose to love me more

Not that pseudo-gilded-slight Lenore!

I'll teach you to HATE her now and evermore.

You won't be burdened by her love forlorn,

You'll quoth to the sky, to that demon raven, You'll shout it with bloodlust, 'NEVERMORE, NEVERMORE!'

You'll be my savior, my own angel Agale!

Just crawl to me, submit to me now, and I will heal,

All the HEARTBREAK! All the SUFFERING! All the ANGUISH & SORROW you could EVER FEEL!!!"

......

...............

...................................

...Alone...

...I am alone down here...

Cast away.

Locked inside a room, in the dark, in a desperate place.

A place you don't go to by mistake..

A place they put you so you can be safe..

Safe from yourself.

Safe, & Alone.

But I'm never alone.

Even to this moment,

Since that day as a child when she spoke to me straight through the fucking ether.

Even now, bound by chemical chains,

With talons so deeply lain, to me she cleaves

...She is silent now...

But she never leaves...

She haunts my mind & senses,

She haunts my dreams,

& Only death will grant my longful reprieve.

Now, ten years & a lifetime ago,

Feigning innocent eyes in the light just for show,

But if you find me alone in the dark,

as by & by you happen to go,

With gleaming fangs, & bloodied claws, & eyes all aglow,

You will see me alone & you'll know that I,

I am never ever alone...

-Dantès

This poem is about a prevailing aspect of my life; my mental illness, my psychosis, & a specific moment as a child as well as a specific moment while inpatient at a psychiatric hospital.

#confession #poetry #true story #art #dark academia #depressed #schizophrenia #recovery #medicated #self medicating #be kind #bear your soul #struggle #anguish #lost #alone with my thoughts #memories #alone with my memories

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episodesofdailyjournal · 2 months

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Morning this way!

What are your morning rituals? What does the first hour of your day look like? I love starting my mornings feeling efficient! I really value sleep to stay focused. I make sure to wake up at the same time every day for a fantastic start. First, I quickly make my bed and think about my goals for the day. This boosts my confidence and sets me up for success. Next, I focus on being productive.…

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yahalife · 4 months

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Work pressure is one of the prime causes to enter into depression nowadays. Depression is basically a loop of anxiety, stress, overthinking and 10000 negative thought attacks per day.

Work pressure is one such cause which keeps you stuck in the loop of depression as you are constantly undergoing anxiety, stress and overthinking which be default causes 10000 negative thought attacks per day.

#mental health #depression treatment #depression help #depression recovery #how to overcome depression #fight depression #overcome depression #depression recovery story

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siecobaina · 3 months

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google docs is like my personal social media app

#i journal i download book pdfs i write stories i plan things i make maps and organize my thoughts i search for previous iterations etcetc #my journal #journaling #mental health #mental heath support #depression and anxiety #depression thoughts #depression awareness #anxiety recovery #therapy #depression journal

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jadynnn · 6 months

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When i was in early high school, this boy had flowers mailed to my house. He loved me and I knew that, but I had a boyfriend at the time and was caught in a position that , at the time, seemed impossible.

I loved it and him, but I made a choice. Now the guy who bought me flowers, we ended up growing into good friends and I naturally fell for the, now man, when it was all but too late.

Now we’re strangers; he’s dating a beautiful woman whom i’ve never met and I am in love with a beautiful woman as-well. A woman who doesn’t love me back,

I was wondering on mailing her flowers

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dragons-for-the-win · 1 year

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"You don’t know how much you liked or missed something until you have it again"

That sentence hits so hard right now.

I am going to ramble a bit in here for a while, so if you are not interested just keep scrolling. Have a great day!

I’ve been dealing with depression for 4 years now and an eating disorder for a year or so. I haven't been with energy for anything and not eating properly just made my energy levels lower. I still struggle with both, but clearly I’m doing much better.

Today I had the first actual good filling meal in so long and I was filled with such an energy that I didn't know where it came from. I’ve been a hyperactive kid pretty much my whole life, but due to external input I’ve had to keep it down and mask my hyperactivity, impulses and so on. I thought that it was a “phase”, something that I only did when I was a kid, but the truth is that it isn’t. I am still hyperactive and moving my body makes me happy. Freeing that energy is liberating and makes me happier than ever.

I never knew how much I would miss that happiness, or how much I actually am hyperactive. I think that came as a strong realization, and will indeed be a reason I'll keep in mind in my recovery.

I want to get better, and I want to be able to have that energy, because it is who I am. I want to be happy. I want to feel free when I run.

I want to recover.

I am going to recover.

And for everyone who wanted to see me struggle and enjoyed when I didn't want to be around: Watch me now, if you dare. You stepped on me and I ate the dirt, but now I am coming back stronger that I ever was. You helped me realize who I truly am, and what I stand for. So sit back, and enjoy the show, because, honey, this ain't the last season of my life series.

#personal blog #personal post #self experiece #actually adhd #adhdlife #recovery #pro recovery #tw ed #tw depression #tw su!cide mention #life story #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #hyperactivity #self confidence #happiness

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