#and late afternoon is like. love songs from any era for some reason

[crazyinlovewithbucky]

“don’t fill your void with me”

“Свою пустоту мною не заполняй”

Pairings: Villain!The Winter Solider!Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: this takes place in an alternative universe where Hydra took over the world and the winter soldier killed all Avengers and he became the leader of Hydra and he’s controlling the whole world. He saw you one day and he determined you were his and he made sure of that. making you live very comfortably as his “favorite” mistress and he turns very very soft with you.

Warnings: heavy smut, some fluff (if u squint), villain bucky turns sweet, oral (f receiving), jealousy, dark themes, dark!bucky to soft!bucky, dom bucky, lots of praise + lots of praise in Russian.

This was inspired by Яд by Erika Lundmoen

please read my author note it’s very important!

AU/N: this is only part one and still working on part two. thought I’d make this only one part but it was too long I had to cut it into two parts. I need to remind you that English is not my first language so excuse any misspelling or mispronunciation of any words or any grammatical mistakes lol. Hope you enjoy this dark fantasy I had of Bucky as I was wondering how he would be still a villain. Also, this was heavily inspired by ‘Yad’ (Яд) by Erika Lundmoen, I love this song so much and it always reminds me of Bucky in his Winter solider era. Enjoy loves xx

PART 1.

You sighed before swallowing that last sip of the red wine glass that the air hostess brought you. This was already your 3rd glass. You looked through the window to the dark clouds and the night sky as you kept thinking and wondering how you get here in the first place. It was somewhat a normal Friday late afternoon, you were getting ready for the evening, and your –rich new– friends have prepared for you. They were setting you up with a blind date, they said it’s a very handsome guy who's an heir to a big industrial company. You weren’t amused that much as none of them know your secret or your secret lover.

Then you remembered him, your secret mysterious lover, who’s the reason you’re living this lavish rich lifestyle. You remembered six years ago, on the news, you were watching Captain America getting brutally killed by none other than The Winter Soldier himself. You watched the fall of this new organization of superheroes and agents called “The Avengers” and the new world order seeing light under the hands of The Winter Soldier. Hydra ruled and controlled every country in the world, including the USA. It was three years ago when you saw on the news that every leader and all the rulers of Hydra were killed and it was an inside job. The Winter Solider rebelled and killed every single one of them and he, alone, became the new Hydra leader, recruiting super soldiers and making the biggest army of super soldiers known to man.

A year ago, you were just a normal waitress girl, in a hotel restaurant, minding your own business and working just to make ends meet. You weren’t born with a silver spoon in your mouth and your upbringing was very normal and somewhat poor. Until one day your boss came and told you there will be a very important diplomatic meeting that’s happening in the hotel and he assigned you and two of your coworkers to wait on the leaders and diplomats. On this same very evening, you saw him for the first time. The Winter Solider. Bucky Barnes. Captain America’s best friend who was brainwashed by Hydra and was under control for decades. He was so charismatic, terrifying, very handsome, and absolutely dangerous. Just like a fallen angel, just like Lucifer himself. You were drawn to him at first glance until he noticed you and made eye contact with you. Your heart skipped a beat then, there was a connection between you both, you were certain of this as at first glance, you saw his face change emotion and he was staring at you.

-

“барышня, only 5 minutes till landing” You were brought back to reality from that memory train you were on by the sound of the bodyguard on your left. you nodded to him with a smile and fastened your seat belt around your hips.

Looking back at your past now made you wonder if you actually deserve to live this life or not, to go everywhere with a private plane like the one you’re in now. To live in the finest, most luxurious apartment in Brooklyn, to have rich friends and live a rich lifestyle, to attend galas and be the face of many luxury brands, all because of him, all because he liked you the first time he saw you, all because he promised you to make all your wishes and dreams come true only if you became his, all because he wanted his “favorite one” to be separate from the other women and to live like a princess whose all her dreams are granted.

In fact, you didn’t ask for any of this at all, but you loved the idea that he made all of this for you just because he thinks you’re worthy of it. In the end, you were “his favorite”.

The plane landed in the small very private airport near his mansion in Russia. you had your fur coat covering you. At least, you were dressed very fancy for the ball you were going to with your friends to meet your blind date. As you were about to leave your apartment, you were met by Bucky’s super soldiers' bodyguards at the front door of your apartment, telling you that The King wants you now. So you didn’t argue, you nodded and just took your bag and phone and left with them. This was your deal with him, him giving you whatever you want and desire in life, and you being available and there whenever he calls for you or want you. He has the plane ready for you and super soldiers protecting you and going everywhere with you, in case something goes wrong.

The guards guided you into the mansion and into Bucky’s suite which took up the whole second floor of the mansion. You walked with them till you arrived in front of the door of his office then they left you there alone. You knocked slightly.

“входить” his voice was deep and calm, you just felt butterflies in your stomach as you were very anxious and excited to see him, it’s been nearly a month since your last meeting with him and you missed him dearly. You opened the door and entered and as soon as you closed it behind you, he looked up from the pile of papers in front of him, his hair was perfectly combed, and he grew his beard, which was a very new look on him but also a very sexy one. He grinned widely as soon as his eyes met yours. “ahhh моя кукла”. he stood up from behind his desk and you walked closer to him and he moved closer to you too.

He kissed you very deeply and passionately before hugging you tightly, you hugged him back and buried your face in his neck. “Missed you so much, кукла” he whispered in your ear and kissed your neck softly.

“Missed you too, James” you smiled softly and he started to rub your back slightly.

You didn’t actually know how to address him, didn’t know if you should call him sir, king, soldier, Bucky, or James. You never actually asked, but you found James to be just perfect as you felt weirded out to call him sir or king. ‘James’ was good enough based on the relationship you both had, you were not actually lovers or boyfriend and girlfriend to be intimate and call him Bucky and yet you both weren’t platonic or had a strict respectful relationship to call him sir. so ‘James’ did the job perfectly.

At least, he didn’t complain about whatever you call him.

He removed your fur coat slowly and looked at your body and your fancy dress. “You look so beautiful,” he held your hand and spun you around to take a good look at the dress. It was a tall tight dress that hugs your curves perfectly with a very long slit on the left that shows your whole left leg from your upper thigh to your left foot. It was burgundy colored with a black sheer silk attached to it that gives the dress a matte look under lights. “did you get all dolled up for me?” he smirked at you when his eyes left your body and met your eyes.

“Well, umm-,” he leaned back on his office desk and sat on its edge and pulled you to him slowly “you didn’t give me any heads up that we were supposed to meet so I was actually going to a ball party with a bunch of friends” you looked down to your hands playing with his black suit’s blazer, trying to hide the truth that you were going on a blind date.

The thing you didn’t know about Bucky is that he is very good at reading body language and the second you broke eye contact and said that, he knew you were hiding something and that’s not the truth. But he didn’t want to confront you yet about it so he took it slowly. “Oh really?” he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him as your chests now touching and he has a perfect view of your boobs as it’s pushed up from the tight dress. “what kind of a ball party?” he moved his head and start kissing your neck.

“A normal one.” you bit your lower lip as his kisses now moved down to your shoulders and collarbone.

“normal one? what kind of a ball is that exactly?” he chuckled while his right hand moved down slightly and he started rubbing your left butt cheek as his kisses never stopped and his lips moved down to your chest, leaving more kisses.

“Just a normal ball party, James” you sighed, feeling more frustrated as you are getting more turned on by his touching and kisses and you feel yourself getting wetter, you can’t stand wearing your panties anymore, it’s getting more uncomfortable as you are soaked down there.

“A normal ball party where rich people gather around for whatever reason, stuffing their faces with crab cakes and drinking champagne until they’re passed out,” you said with an annoyed tone as you can’t just stand the teasing anymore.

The relationship you had with Bucky was just casual sex every now and then unless that was what you thought it was until 8 months ago, he started to show more feelings, starting saying “I miss you”, “I want you”, “you are beautiful”, “my girl”, “my favorite girl”, “my doll”, “baby girl”, but never the word “love”. He started being more romantic. Taking you on dates, of course, they were secret private dates as he was a known criminal and he shouldn’t be seen in public at all but with his power and money, he can rent or buy any restaurant or place in the world just so you both could enjoy your time and dates together.

He was very gentle with you, protecting you, getting you a big apartment in Brooklyn which was like 3 blocks away from his childhood home, he didn’t mention that at all but you knew it when you went to the Captain America museum and explored the whole room dedicated to Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, Captain America’s best friend.

You learned a lot about him, actually about the old him. Now, he’s just the winter solider, the cold blooded murderer who killed all his superiors and killed the avengers and is now running the Hydra organization and having the biggest super soldiers army in the universe.

But at least, he had a soft spot for you.

He moved his hands to the back of your thighs and lift you up, your legs wrapped quickly around his waist, which was sort of a habit as he loved picking you up like this, like his small girl. he kept looking at you and murmuring I miss yous and you look so beautiful, against your lips while kissing you and walking towards his bedroom, there was only a wall between his office and his bedroom. he opened the door, and his room wasn’t unfamiliar to you but you were just amazed every time by how big and wide it is. The ceiling is so high up and the walls are filled with paintings and mirrors.

He put you on his king-sized bed and you just laid on your back, looking at him. He smirked at you and moved his hands down your dress and took off your panties, freeing your soaked cunt from the now-uncomfortable material. “So, it was just a normal ball party with normal rich friends, huh?” he held your left ankle and pulled it up, and rested it on his shoulder. you nodded and saw him undoing the straps of your heels and taking them off. “Are you sure about that, кукла?” he gave you a very intense look and at that moment you knew that he knows you were hiding something so keeping it hidden won’t do you any good. “You know I hate it when you lie to me.” he rubbed your ankle and calf slowly, giving it a simple soft massage.

“I am not lying to you” Your tone was serious. “My friend, Emma, she set me up on a blind date with this guy,” you saw his facial expression get more tense and his hand tightened on your ankle a bit harder. “I mean, no one knows that I’m- umm, that we-… you know, together” Your tone was shaky as you started to get more anxious as his grip hardened on your ankle. “they just thought I’m single and wanted me to have a date so-..”

“So you decided to dress and doll up for a strange man, didn’t you?” he cut you off suddenly as you can see he started to get angry.

“No, they don’t know about us. No one knows. So I’m just playing the part. acting it. That’s it.” you said with a sad tone, breaking eye contact with him and looking up at the ceiling and huffing. this is truly what you felt like. Playing a part in Bucky’s world. Being nothing more than his sex doll and his mistress. You hate the fact that you wanted him and wanted to be with him forever and you just can’t handle living this lifestyle anymore. Yes, it’s a blessing but you didn’t want all of that, you didn’t ask for any of that. You just wanted him.

“Well, this dress is no good anymore. Can I tear it apart?” he put your left leg back again on the bed and pulled your other leg by the ankle and on his shoulder and removed your heels from this one too.

“Why isn’t it good anymore? I think it’s pretty.” you looked at him confused, not knowing what the dress has to do with anything.

“It is pretty but now, for me, it’s what you wore for another man’s eyes and not mine. I hate it now.” he pulled it up to your upper thighs and your legs are now bared to him.

“But what am I going to wear when I leave? Can’t just be wearing my fur coat. It’s freezing outside.” he chuckled darkly at your words and looked at you with a dark smirk on his face.

“As much as it would be so fucking hot of you to not wear anything except for a fur coat, I can get you any other dress that you want,” he grabbed the dress from its slit on your left thigh with his metal hand and ripped it open until the dress was fully ripped from the left side. “anyways, you’re staying for the whole weekend with me, I don’t want you wearing any clothes at all.” he moved up to meet your eyes and he pepper kissed your jawline. “and if you got cold, you can wear my clothes, my wardrobe is all yours, милая” he ripped and removed the dress from your body, leaving you fully naked underneath him.

you moaned slightly as his hands roamed your body, massaging and rubbing your boobs while his tongue is attacking your lips and mouth, kissing your hungrily. You opened your legs more for him, signaling to him where you wanted him the most. he removed himself from on top of you to get undressed. He removed all of his clothes and got on top of you again, kissing you passionately then starting to kiss you all over. Leaving marks and love bites all over your body, showing you who you truly belong.

“ты моя навсегда, куколка” his voice is raspy and deep, he moved his head down and kissed and sucked on your nipples, of course leaving marks and love bites on your boobs too. You were so needy for him and a part of you was glad that he was as much as needy for you as you are of him.

“James, please. I need you so bad. Please fuck me” you whined and opened your legs more for him. he pulled his head up and looked at you with nothing but pure lust in his now dark blue eyes.

“No, baby doll. No fucking. I missed you too much to just fuck you. I’m going to make love to you ‘cause you deserve this, honey. you’ve earned this.” he kissed your lips passionately but you were just startled, confused, and slightly shocked. You kept wondering why he would say such things and do such things. It’s the first time you ever see him being like this to you or talking like this to you. You were sick of these feelings you have for him and he was just toying around with them.

“You make love to someone you love, James. What we have isn’t love” You looked directly into his eyes with a concerned look on your face.

“Maybe you are right,” these words went straight to your heart and smashed it. You had a little hope he would correct you and tell you he loves you. “But tonight, just pretend that we’re in love. act it like you just said you’re acting it and playing a part.” you wondered if toying with your feelings like this was his way to punish you for what you just said about playing a part in your new life. “make me make love to you. make me show you how you’re supposed to be loved. Or at least humor me, принцесса” his mouth never left your face or your body. He couldn’t stop kissing you and leaving marks everywhere on your neck and body. You weren’t sure what his intentions were by what he just said. A little part of you hoped he meant what he was saying.

You felt his cock twitch against your thigh and felt him leaking. You couldn’t hold it any longer and you lift your hips up to meet his. Signaling to him that you need him. “I’ll give you whatever you want, just let me take my time with you first. I missed you too much” He said between breaths and kisses as he’s now moving down, kissing and leaving love bites all over your belly. “missed this belly,” he kissed your belly button. “missed my little ladies,” he grabbed your boobs with his hands as his mouth kept going down to your lower belly.

“but I missed this pretty girl the most.” you could feel his hot breath against your soaked cunt now, gushing more at the new nickname he gave to your pussy. he groaned when he saw you gushing and your slick is wetting the bed underneath you, making a mess everywhere. he looked up at you and you locked eyes with him while he slowly licked a long stripe between your folds, never breaking eye contact. This sight alone had you crying out and shutting your eyes while throwing your head back on the pillows.

Bucky kept flicking his tongue over your sensitive bud and sucking on it. He was really taking his time, he wasn’t fast or hard. He was simply just eating you out, slowly, gently, like he actually wants to taste you. You were so needy that you wanted more than that. You started pushing your hips more into his face and grinding slowly. “Greedy aren’t we, my little girl?” He got up and wiped his chain from your glistening slick with the back of his hand.

He got on top of you again and pressed his lips against yours, and you can taste yourself on his lips. he licked your bottom lip, asking for entrance and you opened your mouth happily for him, licking his tongue and tasting more of yourself. “Do you know what do you taste like?” he broke the kiss but his lips were right above yours. you shook your head slightly and bit your lips. “Like fucking peaches.” he pushed his tongue into your mouth again, kissing and licking it all over. “You taste like fucking peaches, especially your pussy.” you moaned into his mouth “You’re driving me insane, принцесса. Guess peaches are my new favorite fruit”.

He buried his face in your neck, attacking the sensitive skin again with kisses, especially that sweet spot that gets you all turned on and horny. As if you’re not going to lose your mind already from how horny you are. You could feel his tip pushing slightly on your clit and you were just a moaning mess at this point. “Ready for me, love?” he lifted his head and rested his head on your forehead, locking eyes with you.

“Always, Bucky” you whispered, his whole expression changed. his eyes widened a bit at the sound of his name slipping out of your mouth like honey. He hadn’t heard this name in so long, and you say it like this had his heart beating faster, if he wasn’t in love with you before, he believes now he is.

………………………………………………………………..

PART TWO

#bucky angst #bucky barnes #bucky barnes mcu #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x smut #bucky barnes x you #bucky barns x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky imagine #bucky barnes x reader smut #bucky barnes drabble #bucky x reader #bucky smut #bucky barnes imagine #buckynat #buckysam #bucky fluff #bucky #james bucky buchanan barnes #bucky x you #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes one shot #steve x bucky #bucky x female reader #marvel #mcu #bucky barns x you #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x you

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter One, Part 7

"Come on, Let's go to my truck and we'll figure it out from there. Most likely somewhere close," she said as we walked out into the afternoon sun. A cool breeze blew past, causing my arms to get goosebumps. I shivered slightly. I didn't have a jacket or anything. Addison was wearing a denim jacket that looked as if it had seen much better days.

Without thinking, I took the books from her hands. It came naturally, and just like the right thing to do. In some ways, I still had a brain from an era long gone.

"You don't have to do that," Addison said with a smirk that could cure anyone's depression.

"I technically don't have to do anything," I came back with.

"Fair point, but still. I can carry my own stuff." For a second I couldn't figure out if she was seriously upset or not. Then she smiled.

"Chivalry may be dead, but I dress like a corpse," I said, deadpan, back.

She laughed loudly. It was brighter out because of it. "Alright, alright. You win, cadaver boy." And she looked at me with a real smile. A smile that shouted interest. A smile that I would do anything to see. A real full on smile. She really was beautiful. I know how redundant this is, but fuck off, this is my story.

I'd never actually been in the concrete box that was the parking garage. I never had a reason to. I didn't drive at all. So, I relied on public transit and my feet to get me where I was going. And my feet got used more than anything. I like walking. I like just jamming to music and wandering around the streets. And even with the risk of being mugged or shot, I loved late night wandering.

Addison led me up to a small maroon Ford truck. The thing had to have been from the late 90's. It didn't even have a CD player. Just a tape deck that Addison had put one of those tape to headphone jack things in it.

She unlocked the driver's door and pushed her seat forward. She turned around and took the books from my hand, tossing them behind the small space between the seats and the cab's end

"Thank you," she said as she climbed up into the driver's side. I just smiled and nodded, not having a witty or smart thing to say back to her. I went around the truck, hopping in the passenger side quickly. It was almost like, if I moved at a normal pace, she'd come to the realization she's hanging out with this strange scrawny fucking weirdo. It didn't make sense, that I'd get this lucky. Three fucking years. Three fucking years. How the fuck did it get me here?

Addison started the truck up, and music blasted both of us, making us jump. I only needed a second to recognize the song. It was the last few seconds of 'Pretty in a Casket' by Blitzkid.

"Hey, alright! I love Blitzkid," I exclaimed, excited not only because it's good music, but also by the fact Addison and I now had a common ground. Even it was just a simple band. Conversation grows from seeds planted. Not what falls from it.

"Me too!" Addison said over the music, before turning it down. She gave me another one of those smiles I keep talking about.

Addison backed out the spot she was in and made her way out of the garage. The street outside was quiet for the time of the day. Any other day, I'd be waiting at a crosswalk for fifteen or twenty minutes because, and say it with me, pedestrians don't matter.

"So did we decide where we're going?" I asked.

"I guess we'll just go to The Uptowner. It's a dive, but it's really close and it'll work." Addison said. So she must live around here then two. The Uptowner was a dive, but I liked this dive.

"Awesome, cool. I know the Uptowner. I saw Mischief Brew play there once."

"Oh cool. I wanted to see that but ended up working. Plus, it's really close to where I live."

"Same. It's only a two or three block for me. I live over on Booth."

"Oh neat. One of my friends lives on Booth. Maybe there your neighbor? I live over on Fratney. You know that Irish pub on Fratney?"

I shook my head. "Not really no. Basically anything on the other side of Center is unknown territory."

"So that's why I haven't seen your pink hair around."

"I'll have you know, it's Midnight Magenta."

#fiction #artists on tumblr #writing #my writing #spilled words #writers on tumblr #poets and writers #writeblr #creative writing #writerscommunity #writerscorner #writer #lierature #cynical #cynic #free verse #free form #Stories #autobiographical fiction #art #literure #$howispentmysummervacation #september sky #punk rock soap operas #writersblr #writterscommunity

[rachelminetti]

may-early june 2022

may is finally over and my beloved june has begun to settle in. i haven't been listening to much of anything new, mostly new (to me) versions of old songs by musicians i've always loved. june doesn't need to have anything new, its sacredness lies in what already was. it rained on wednesday afternoon, i returned to my afternoon storms playlist, something i try to only listen to once in a while, as to avoid wearing out its weight. i made that playlist in september of 2018, a few days before i adopted jenny, sitting alone in my new room on woodrow street. how has it been so long? i listened to comin' through by the war on drugs on repeat for an hour, played along to no secrets by jim james with some added delay on my nord.

here's a quick roundup of what i've been listening to, what i've gotten tired of (not much), and what i look forward to bringing with me through the rest of june.

the familiars: wilco, phish, and of course john mayer. am i a suburban dad? or just someone who grew up at jewish sleepaway camp? i'll never know. wilco came back to me at the end of april when i was drawn to the 2020 reissue of summerteeth while laying in the grass at forsyth on my lunch break, another summer, a traveler's guide. phish has been huge for me lately. got hot sauce on my vintage tshirt, it's mostly gone, but still visible if you look closely. i've been mostly listening to '93-'98 shows, solidly sunk in the rift era (as always?). very much into maze from st. louis in '93, very fitting for the last weekend of may. my cousin's friend gave me $1,000,000 bill with jerry on it after we talked the upcoming summer tour. another killer show i've had on is 8.2.97 at the gorge. killer dogs stole things and wading.

enough of that, onto john mayer: still listening to the 4.9.22 atl show, especially rosie>>wild blue>>if i ever get around to living. i couldn't have asked for a better (reasonable) sequence. born and raised turned 10 on may 22, i'll never forget that day in 2012, i'm ready to live in parallel with it again. listened to the hotel cafe videos from 2011 the night after, and i've been stuck on if i ever get around to living from letterman in 2013. finally got the download link to the 7.7.2004 red rocks set, and it's more than i could have ever imagined. wheel is surreal. if anyone happens to be reading this and wants the link, shoot me a message.

destroyer: always there to release something delicious. june is perfect, truly perfect. will probably be in my top ten this year. blue flower / blue flame came from a previous playlist, can't remember which one. maybe august 2021, i remember i felt a pinch of nostalgia for my time at buddy brew and the public library a few weeks ago, so that's probably it. will you just look at the time, it's standing still!

the standouts:

another weyes blood feature to ease me into the change in pace of the upcoming months. i've listened to oh how we drift by tim heidecker and weyes blood away a ton, playing it on my keyboard a ton, humming it to myself at work while pushing the ladder in the stacks. she'll only be an early summer artist to me, it won't fit at any other time.

not sure how to write about familiar place by girls of the internet, except to say that it jumped into my all time favorites playlist on the second listen. this album is gold. reminds me of nordstrom bistro at dusk on a weeknight in june, maybe that’s where i’ll reside forever, maybe i’m already there and always have been. i can’t seem to get away. this feeling has never evaded me, it always feels as strong as it did the first time. i think my current consciousness formed the summer of 2008, that’s really when i started to remember things. when things started to become clear. I can map the years from there on out, almost with ease. that’s when i first remember the parking lot feeling this way. it felt timeless, like i could experience time all at once and not at all. i existed outside of it and within it completely. 

the sweet prelude to summer, the ever present feeling of the intersection of swann and macdill, macdill and bay to bay: strange conversations by automatic, a song i added to my music i would have liked in high school, a playlist i'm curating for her to listen one day. emily by drug cabin also falls into this, a nice complement to lazy humid summer late afternoon indie pop, another playlist stacked with songs i would have loved in high school.

here's the whole playlist. can't really see myself revisiting this one a lot, but it will be nice to listen to in december, to hear it in context.

#may #june #playlist #john mayer #wilco #phish #destroyer #weyes blood #this is so annoying

[aidenwaites]

We've reached the country music phase of my workplace

#early morning is classic rock #noon is country #afternoon is mid-2000's pop #and late afternoon is like. love songs from any era for some reason

[allegra-writes]

“Once in twenty lifetimes”

Tom Holland x Reader

General audiences

Warnings: Implied character death.

“In a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you”

The chaos of stars - Kiersten White

Just a little one shot inspired by the song “Cardigan” and this lovely past life reading by Adora’s light.

MY MASTERLIST

You cursed as your high heel got stuck on the cobblestone, making your ankle twist painfully. It would be just like you to be late, and injured, on your first day. But no, you still had about half an hour to spare, and the building was literally across the street. 

You tried to slow down your pace, and the beating of your heart, it would do you no good to arrive early, shaky and exuding nervousness like the inexperienced rookie you were. A smile broke through your face as you saw the coffee shop. Yeah, an herbal tea would do you worlds of good.

Your bare feet hit the stone tiles of the castle floor, running. People were running in all directions, screaming in terror: the enemy was inside already, the fires raging in the citadel nothing but a mere distraction. You heard the cries of your maiden inside your own bedchamber being beaten for information, you knew what the enemy wanted: You. 

“Meri Rani!” That voice. You knew that voice. “Meri Rani, this way!”

A strong, rough hand wrapped around your dainty one, guiding you behind a tapestry, to the hidden pathways and you could have cried in relief. 

Your brave knight. Your faithful guardian.

You were safe.

You were always safe in his arms.

The music hit you with a wave of melancholy as soon as you opened the door of the shop. That old Elvis’ song always made you strangely nostalgic. You smiled at the bittersweet feeling, stepping in line to order.

You didn’t want to fall into the “I was born in the wrong era” cliche, you really didn’t. And you knew a lot of people thought you were boring, too old fashioned, sometimes even snobbish because of it. But truth was, modern music just didn’t hit the same. The fast rhymes, oversaturated and monotone beats didn’t move you. You sounded like your grandmother, but they just didn’t make good music anymore. Not that good at least. 

“Wise meeeen say” You watched your boyfriend stumble under the streetlights, torn between exasperation and fondness. Drunk. He was drunk. Unbelievable. “Only fooools ruuuuusshh in”

As unbelievable as how nicely those Levi’s hugged his hips, as he twirled around the pole… and somehow managed to slip, face planting on it. 

“Ouch!”

“Yeah, you’re a fool alright, Thomas" 

You rushed to his side, prying his hands away from his face to check his nose.

"It’s all your fault, doll. I’m a fool for you” He winked, but the effect was somehow dampered by the blood falling freely over his lips. “We should go to that Elvis concert next month" 

His warm brown eyes lit up with enthusiasm at his own new idea.

"Hmmm I’m not sure we should” You feigned concern, “I could fall in love with him… he is very handsome”

Your boyfriend snorted,

“No way. You dig me way more than you dig Elvis" 

"Not when you’re all bloody and bruised like this…”

“Ow”

“Sorry!” You apologized, trying to be gentler as you finished wiping at his blood with your handkerchief. 

His arm snaked around your waist, cold fingers sneaking under your sweater, making you jump slightly.

“Is ok, love” he whispered against your lips, “I’ll let you kiss it better.”

“Hi, hun!” Chloe, the cashier, greeted. “Your usual?”

“Oh, no, I’m jumpy enough today!” You chuckled, perusing the tea menu, “I think I’ll have… some lavender tea today. Good for first day anxiety.”

“Wouldn’t lime flower be better for that?” The blonde teen frowned in confusion.

“Lavender is just as good, plus it won’t make me drowsy”

Chloe rang your order, taking a mental note of your words.

“I’ll try to remember that for the next customer that asks for lime flower. How do you even know so much about herbs?”

You simply shrugged, accepting your change,

“I don’t know, I guess I just have a memory for this kinda thing”

“Mama!" 

You raised your head from where you were harvesting berries of bittersweet nightshade, and felt your heart skip a beat. The image of your husband walking to you with your little girl in his arms still managed to take your breath away and fill your whole being with warmth and joy even after three years. 

You stood up, wiping your dirty hands on your skirts.

"See, bumblebee? I told you mama was just outside” You heard Tom’s soft words soothing the crying infant. “She doesn’t like it when she wakes up and you’re not there…” He added to you, the corners of his mouth belying his amusement.

“Is that true, sweetie?” You inquired, extending your arms toward the toddler, who practically leaped into them. Your daughter only nodded in response, hiding her face on your chest, fisting her tiny hands on the top of your dress, holding on as if she was afraid you were gonna disappear any minute. 

“Aye… I think she misses you almost as much as I do when you’re gone” Tom declared, wrapping his arms around both his girls, trying to squish down the uneasiness that had taken over him ever since he had heard…

“Is that so?”

Both your husband and your daughter nodded, making you chuckle. 

“What if mama makes some marzipan cakes tonight? Would that cheer you up? We could go to the village in the afternoon to get some flour”

Your husband’s stomach made a flip, the sound of your daughter’s enthusiastic approval drowned by his own worries and fears.

“Or we could just let your daddy make some of his honey candies. No need to go to the village…" 

You finished stirring the honey in your tea, and hurried to put the lid back to the cup, eager to leave. As much as you loved the little cafe, you couldn’t quite stand it in the mornings. You hated the fact that they served american breakfast. The smell of bacon and sausages, actually the smell of any meat being cooked, never failed to make your stomach churn. That was actually the main reason for your vegetarianism, even stronger than your convictions, your compassion and love for animals. Even stronger than your concerns or your wish for a healthier lifestyle, was your dislike. While most people found that smell mouthwatering and delicious, to you, it only ever smelled of burnt flesh.

Your beloved husband’s face was the only one you could make out in the crowd. His pale, tear streaked face, looking almost blue in the twilight. But no, it wasn’t twilight yet, it couldn’t be with the sun still so high in the sky. 

… Then why was everything so blue? 

The executioner tightened the ropes around you, but you couldn’t feel them. You were numb all over. 

"I’m sorry” He murmured, “but I will have to hurry up. Your husband gave me the tea but I think I used too much. If they realize what I did, they will burn me too" 

You understood then: wolfsbane. He couldn’t save your life, there was no way he could have, the archbishop had watched you like a hawk all the time they had kept you in the tower. But he wanted to spare you the pain. And not even the man of the church could find it in himself to deny you your last wish: a single cup of tea… that you hadn’t requested. 

"Why?” You managed to let out, “Why are you helping me?" 

"You helped me once. Or rather, my girlfriend. Well, my wife now”

You tried to remember. Yes, you were sure that was her, the blacksmith’s daughter. She was supposed to be a maiden, back then. If her father found out, he would have beaten her to death, but with a little pennyroyal you had put an end to her predicament. 

You could see the regret in his eyes as he let the torch fall into the pyre. You searched your husband’s face through the smoke. His agonized eyes met yours one last time.

No. Not the last. Only the last in that lifetime. 

“I love you” You didn’t open your mouth but you knew he had heard you, “forever" 

You tried to shake away the morbid thought, as you stepped into the busy street again. It wasn’t all that hard, as you immediately got swept away by it’s fast paced rhythm. There was something about the city, some hidden beauty in it’s chaos, a siren song, a presence. Almost as if somewhere in its darkest alley, there was a heartbeat calling for you. And in a way, you guessed there was, all of them were always crowded, teeming with life. Yet, unlike in any other city, here you weren’t shoved or pushed around. Here, if someone as much as bumped your arm, you would get a quick and embarrassed "sorry”. And you didn’t quite know why you found that so endearing, but you did. 

Just another one in the long list of things you loved about London. 

You collided with someone, hard, but you couldn’t afford to stop and apologize, so you kept on moving, advancing as fast as you could through the sea of bodies crowding the station. It was almost time, he was stepping into the last train and only god knew if you were ever going to see him again. He had asked you not to come, but you couldn’t, you wouldn’t let him leave without saying goodbye.

You heard him before you saw him. You almost didn’t recognize him from behind, the lush dark curls you loved so much all but gone, the strands shaved around the ears and cut close to the scalp on the back and sides.

“Thomas!”

He turned around just in time for you to jump into his arms, wrapping yours around his neck, hiding your face against his uniformed chest.

“I told you not to come” He breathed against your hair, undone from your race, holding onto you just as hard, “I told you I wouldn’t be able to leave this platform if you did…”

“Then don’t” You countered, “Stay with me. Let’s run away to the countryside, just… just stay" 

You felt his choked sob against your cheek.

"If we don’t stop the Germans now, there will be nowhere left to run. And I rather die before letting them anywhere near you”

“Don’t say that” You admonished, breaking your embrace to get a look at his coffee eyes, “Don’t ever say that!" 

He shook his head,

"It’s the truth, my love. Of all the beauty in this world, yours is the most breathtaking. Of all the kindness, yours is the most honest.” He took your hands in his, placing soft, reverent kisses on your knuckles “You are everything that’s good and pure in this world. You are everything that’s worth fighting for" 

"All aboard!" 

The tears were clouding your vision, when Tom’s brave facade fell.

"If anything happens to me at war…”

“Hush! Don’t say-”

“I must, my love” He interrupted you, urgently, “If anything happens to me, my family will take care of you. Listen-”

“No, you listen” You cut him off, “Whatever you were going to say, it won’t be necessary. Because you are going to come back to me, did you hear me?”

His reply died in his throat. He wanted so bad to be able to promise you what you wanted.

“Come back to me, Thomas. Say you’ll come back…" 

"Yes, ma'am” He finally vowed, before stealing one last kiss.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry!" 

His apology reached your ears even before you felt the hot liquid dripping down your chest, before your distracted mind could process what was happening. 

"I was walking too fast and I wasn’t looking where I was going and neither were you and when I realized, I couldn’t stop on time- Not, not that I’m blaming you for this, no, of course not! I mean, that looks hot” He gesticulated to your chest, talking with his hands almost as fast as he was rambling with his mind. You watched his eyes go big and his cheeks turn red as he realized exactly where he was pointing at, “The tea! I meant the tea not your… your- not you! I mean, not that you’re not… I should shut up now, right?" 

You tried to stifle your amused smile, but you failed, the brunet man in front of you simply too adorable in his awkward babbling for you to be mad. Even if both your favorite vintage tee and brand new phone were ruined now. 

"Probably, yeah.” You confirmed, “You need to stop and breathe, otherwise you might pass out from lack of oxygen. And I don't  think I can deal with that on top of” You pointed at your soaked self, “this" 

Relief washed over him at the realization you weren’t mad. The truth was, the only reason he had crashed into you was that he had been too busy staring at you to realize you were coming right his way. 

"Yeah, that would be just too rude” He let himself smile a little too, “crashing with you, making you spill your tea and passing out on you? So crossing the line…" 

You snorted inelegantly at that. 

And he thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen in his life.

"Let me replace your t-shirt” He offered, hoping to buy himself a few more minutes with you, “and your tea, of course" 

You were about to refuse, when your eyes found his, the entire world shifting, tilting on its axis, as your irises met his warm coffee ones. 

You knew those eyes.

"I- ok” You cleared your throat, as if that would be able to conceal your shameless staring. “I have…” You checked your watch, “about 20 minutes before work”

“Right. Better make them count then” His boyish smile turned bigger, brighter, “I’m Tom, by the way. And I promise I’m usually smoother than this”

You took the hand he was offering, and it felt like deja vu.

“Y/n. And I hate smooth." 

He laughed,

"Great, cause that was a lie…" 

You walked back inside the coffee shop together, never noticing it was the hand of fate, the one opening the doors for you, all over again. 

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland imagine #tom holland fanfic #peter parker x reader #arvin russel x reader

[isolemnlyswearpevensie]

He Decided Purple Just Wasn’t For Him | Sirius Black x Reader

Warnings: HARD ANGST without a happy ending, death, mourning, drugs and drug abuse, dark themes

Time/Era: Marauders era

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: After James and Lily die, Y/N watches Sirius fall into insanity. 

Request: Hey could you possibly write young!Sirius Black x reader imagine based on song Colours by Halsey? Thanks a lot xx

A/N: I’m sorry in advance. Sirius doesn’t go to Azkaban in this.

masterlist | read on ao3

Sirius was the most vibrant soul Y/N had ever met. Everything down to his smile was full of color. She absolutely adored him. Sirius could touch her arm or look in her direction, and her dark blue soul would turn into a light lilac.

 Y/N came from a family very similar to Sirius’; she was the heir of a very strict pureblood family, and she was expected to follow her family’s expectations. She had lived up to the expectations perfectly until she hit the ripe old age of eleven. She was sorted into Gryffindor alongside Sirius and suddenly the Noble House of L/N had no daughter. You are no daughter of mine. A howler was sent on the second day of school. The red envelope twisted into the hideous face of Y/N’s mother and filled the entire Great Haul with her shrewd voice. You are an embarrassment to the name L/N. I have never been more disappointed. Y/N felt her cheeks heat up and tears well up in her eyes. This was the most embarrassed she had ever been. That was until a young boy sitting down the table opened his howler. How despicable. I knew you were a problem child but I never thought you would betray your only family like this. The entire Slytherin table snickered at this. The woman’s voice was very similar to Y/n’s mother’s. It was thin and nasally but it spoke with a keen sharpness. When you return home don’t expect to be welcomed with open arms. The young boy looked over at Y/N with a matching sorrowful expression. 

When it came to leave the Great Hall, Sirius came over and spoke to Y/N. She was a good few inches taller than him at this point and he had to raise his head to look her in her eyes. “I’m sorry about that,” He spoke as he rocked back and forth on his heels. “What happened, I mean.” Y/N smiled with half of her mouth, making one of her cheeks puff. “Me too, but hey, at least we can get murdered together.” This made a small smile grace the boy’s face. For some reason, it made Y/N feel warm. 

Sirius’s hair covered his eyes and curled in perfect spirals over his forehead. And no matter how sad he was in the moment, he still had a brilliant sparkle in his eye. Y/N had heard a lot about the Black family as Sirius and Y/N’s parents were friends. She knew that they were one of the most regal families within the wizarding world. Y/N didn’t have the biggest expectations for meeting Sirius. 

Sirius had also heard a ton about Y/N’s family in passing; they were known for owning part of and sponsoring Gringotts bank. Her father was rumored to be in special talk with some of the goblins, thus making the family name worth millions. Sirius didn’t have the best first impression of Y/N, but seeing what happened in the Great Hall, his hopes of friendship rose. Finally, maybe someone would be able to understand some of the deep thoughts whirling inside his head. “I’m Sirius Black.”

“I’m Y/N L/N, nice to meet you.” ~ 

“Do you think he likes me?” Y/N asked Sirius one night during their fifth year. The boy had been picking feathers out of a pillow in the common room, but his fingers stopped immediately at the sound of his companion’s voice. 

Y/N couldn’t help but admire how he looked in this moment. It was 4 am on a Tuesday; the fire was mere ashes in the fireplace and the half-moon shone through the common room window. A moonbeam reflected across Sirius’ features and cast a deep shadow across the bridge of his nose. The low light defined the dark bun on the back of his head and the various fly away hairs that framed his face. He was effortlessly beautiful, even in his striped boxers and ratty Beatles t-shirt. Especially, even. 

Something about the picture in front of Y/N made her feel safe. Sirius sat upright with one leg lazily draped over the arm of the couch, pillow in his lap. Maybe the casual deminer of her best friend comforted her, or maybe it was the lack of school uniform. She didn’t know. Sirius’ head lifted and he made direct eye contact with his best friend. 

“Does who like you? The giant squid?” Y/N grew bashful and twisted in her chair a bit. 

“No, love, Moony.” Y/N’s cheeks dusted a light rose color, which was only intensified as Sirius remained silent. A deep hatred for Remus Lupin filled his stomach.

“No,” Sirius spat, throwing the pillow onto the cushion next to him. “He doesn’t.”

Y/N is taken aback by the sudden aggression towards her. She crosses her arms and sits back in the chair. “Why not? I mean, he keeps walking me to class, he gave me some candy, he-”

“No, he doesn’t. Honestly, Y/N/N, he’s just being friendly.”

“Are you sure?” Y/N’s face twisted in disappointment. “He hasn’t really done those things for any other girl.” “I know him better than you do, Y/N. Trust me.” Y/N couldn’t describe it, but her beautiful, colorful Sirius turned to gray at the moment. 

Remus and Y/N ended up dating for the majority of their 5th year. It was sickenly sweet; the two complimented each other perfectly. Remus loved her with all of his heart, and she loved his company.

 This was around the time Sirius started to distance himself from Y/N. She had no idea what she did wrong. One moment the two of them were staying up late in the common room just to talk, the next moment he wouldn’t even meet her eye. “It’s something at home, it’s not you,” Remus had assured her. That’s the thing, though. He would always tell her about his home life. 

Y/N began to feel empty without Sirius in her life. She would see him in the common room or hanging out with James, and her stomach would rise to her throat. After a while, this began to impact her relationship with Remus. It started off small, but soon escalated into large arguments. 

“Can you stop staring at him? You’re here with me,” Remus said one afternoon as they ate at The Three Broomsticks. They were out celebrating their seven-month anniversary and Sirius just happened to be on a date with a Ravenclaw girl. The two sat four booths away from Remus and Y/N, and they were in Y/N’s direct line of vision. The girl was chatting animately while Sirius pretended to listen. Y/N turned to look at her boyfriend. 

“I’m not staring at him, love, I’m just thinking.”

“Yeah, thinking about him. Come on, give me a break. It’s our anniversary.” 

“I am not thinking of him, Rem. I’m just daydreaming.” Remus pressed his back into the booth and covered his face with one of his large hands. Y/N loved his hands, but they were poor in comparison to Sirius’. 

“I don’t deserve this,” Remus said, gripping the edge of the table and pulling himself to a standing position. “I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them. And you love Sirius.” 

Y/N stood up too. “I don’t love Sirius, I love you.”

Remus lets out a single, harsh laugh. “Listen, Y/N, you deserve happiness and it’s very obvious I can’t give that to you,” He looks over to Sirius’ table to see the boy’s gaze fixed on him. “But he can. Please, save me the additional heartbreak and just get on with it. For the love of Merlin.”

“Does that mean you’re breaking up with me?” Y/N sniffled. Remus had been her first boyfriend, and to have it end so badly was a shame. She couldn’t lie and say that she wasn’t expecting it, but it still stung. 

“Think of it more like...setting you free.” Remus leaned down and kissed her cheek before walking out the door. Y/N now knew what it felt to be gray.

~

As time went on, Y/N’s gray soul started to morph back into dark blue. She thought a lot about what Remus had told her, setting you free. Maybe he was right, she didn’t exactly know. Y/N spent a lot of time at the lake. There was an old, splintered bench near the shore that had an excellent view of the water. Especially at night. The moon would reflect against the water and make the surface look like liquid silver; sparkling, and swirling against the dark depths. 

“Hey,” A familiar voice said one night. His voice was smooth and silky like he had just finished drinking a warm cup of tea. Y/N could sit and listen to him talk for hours. 

“Hi, Sirius.” Y/N responded, pulling her knee to her chest and tucking it under her chin. She suddenly felt insecure under the gaze she once felt most comfortable. 

“I heard you and Moony broke up,” He said casually, as if he was discussing what he had for dinner. 

“Yeah, you watched it happen.”

An awkward silence fell over the two.

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.” The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. Y/N sucked in a harsh breath. “Yeah, why did you do that?” There was a pause. 

“I don’t know, Y/N.”

“Yes, you do. Don’t lie to me.” She turned her head to look at him. The moon was casting a dark shadow over his nose, like that night in the common room. Y/N observed how it danced across his skin as his head moved. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and Y/n could see a hint of the colorful boy she had known for years. 

“It’s embarrassing to admit if I’m being frank,” His fingers fidgeted with a loose thread on his shirt. “I guess I was a bit jealous of Remus.” “You, Sirius Black, was jealous of Remus?” She couldn’t believe his words. 

“I know, it’s stupid.” His back slouched against the splintering wood. It pressed into his skin through his clothing but he didn’t want to move and disrupt the still atmosphere. 

“It’s not stupid, love. I just missed you. Besides, my relationship wasn’t exactly the best, there was nothing to be jealous of.” 

“What do you mean?” His eyes met Y/N’s for the first time since he sat down. 

“I don’t know, I think the entire time I was wishing it was someone else? Every time we kissed I wanted it to be someone else. Every time he called me “baby” or “love” or “darling,” I wanted it to be someone else.” Y/N looked directly into Sirius’ eyes. “Every time we fucked I wanted it to be someone else.” Sirius’ eyes grew dark. 

“Who did you want it to be, Y/N?” She scooted closer to the boy and turned so her body was facing his straight on. She reached out her hand and cupped his cheek, her thumb running against his lower lip. “I think you know the answer to that question,” “Say it, I need to hear you say it.” “You, Sirius. I wanted it to be you.” 

The look in Sirius’ eyes was the most colorful look Y/N had ever seen. 

~

“I think it’s him,” Sirius paced across the floor of his and Y/N’s bedroom. “Remus has to be the spy.”

Y/N placed a gentle hand on her boyfriend’s shoulder and led him to their shared bed. He was wearing all black clothes, having just returned from an Order mission with James. Y/N wondered if Lily was dealing with the same sort of conspiracy from her husband. She thought of Lily bouncing baby Harry on her hip while James paced across their living room floor.

“Remus is not the spy, darling,” Y/N ran a comforting hand across Sirius’ back. His muscles were tensed into tight knots. 

“It has to be someone close to us, and we haven’t even heard from him in weeks. He’s out to get our godson because James didn’t choose him. Or maybe he was manipulated by the werewolves. Completely brainwashed.” “It’s not Remus, end of conversation.” Y/N glanced out the window at all of the Halloween decorations. She loved this time of year. The colors were gorgeous, the atmosphere was spooky, and the weather was amazing. 

“Prongs said him, Lily and Harry are going into hiding,” Sirius said. He took hold of Y/N’s hand and began playing with her ring-clad fingers. Still not the ring she yearned for, but she was more than patient. 

“Hiding? What do you mean?”

“Apparently, You-Know-Who is planning on killing Harry.” Sirius looked solemn. “They asked me to be secret keeper, you know. I couldn’t do it.” “Kill Harry? Why him out of everyone? He’s just a baby…”

“I guess there was some prophecy that included a boy born in July, and it matches with Harry perfectly. The Longbottom’s kid, too.” Sirius let his back hit the mattress and his hands ran down his face. How Y/N loved his hands. 

“Who’s the secret keeper if it’s not you?” 

“I’m not sure. James picked someone,” Sirius lied. “It’s not all bad, I guess. Keeps the spotlight off of you. Us.”

“It doesn’t matter if the spotlight is on me or not, you know that. I would happily die for any one of you.” 

“That’s what I’m afraid of, love.”

~

Sirius was with Y/N on Halloween night. He insisted that the two of them hit the hay early that night as he had been awake for almost 72 hours due to a particularly hard mission. He never spoke to Y/N about his missions, but she knew that this one would take a long time for him to process. Sirius had fallen asleep at such an early hour, that Y/N hadn’t even eaten dinner yet. Still, she tucked him into their bed, kissed his forehead, and turned out the light.He had only been asleep for almost four hours when the doorbell rang. Y/N was finishing a cup of tea in the kitchen when it happened. Puzzled, she grabbed her wand and opened the door. “Ms. Y/L/N,” Albus Dumbledore greeted, pushing his way into the small house. “May I help you?” Y/N had never been particularly fond of the old professor, and his presence made an uncomfortable feeling overwhelm her senses. 

“I actually come baring some unfortunate news.” The way he talked made Y/N uneasy. Why was he so casual about it? “May I ask where Mr. Black is?”

“He’s asleep upstairs, I am sure I can handle the news by myself.” “As you wish,” The old man takes a deep breath. “The Potters have been ambushed…”

~

“Babe, you have to eat something.” Y/N said, pushing a bowl of cereal towards Sirius. It had been six months since James and Lily were murdered. While it was hard for Y/N, it was devastating for Sirius. His smoking had taken on a mind of his own, acting as a gateway drug. He had attempted to hide his activity from Y/N, but that proved to be difficult when he started using every single day. Whether that was alcohol or drugs, he was just happy to be sedated and numb. 

More times than not, he would lash out at Y/N. He blamed her for Lily and James’ death, saying that she should have talked him out of rejecting the secret keeper job. And when she would find him on the bathroom floor, eyes bloodshot with his head in the toilet, he blamed her for not taking care of him.

The thing Sirius didn’t seem to understand was that Y/N was mourning just as much as he was. Similar to his situation with James, Lily had taken Y/N into her wing and added her to the family. It felt like a knife being stabbed through her heart when Albus Dumbledore had declared Lily dead. Sweet Lily Evans with the quick mouth and heart of gold. Lily Potter, the woman who dropped everything to protect her son and loved her husband more than anything, was dead. Even just the thought made Y/N’s stomach twist in knots. 

All of the color within Sirius and Y/N’s lives had vanished. Any beauty had been ripped from their brains and replaced with deep feelings of regret, guilt, and depression. At month four, Y/N decided to visit a therapist to reorganize her brain. She had tried to get Sirius to come with her, but he wouldn’t move off of their sofa. 

“Stop bossing me around,” Sirius responded, pushing the bowl away from his body. His mind seemed to be clearer today, but his skin still had a sickly yellow hue and his eyes were sunken in. Somehow, she had managed to convince him to shower the day prior, so he did not reek of body odor. 

“Sirius, please. You haven’t eaten since yesterday morning.” Y/N was trying to cope as well as she could. Not only was she mourning her best friends, but she was also trying to watch over Sirius. Between therapist visits and tending to her lover, she had taken up journaling and meditation. It wasn’t a cure, but it sure did help. 

“You know what? I’m tired of you acting like you’re so much better than me, with your fancy therapist visits and mental health bullshit. You’re not better than me, Y/N.” His voice was loud, but she knew it was just his sick mind talking. She tried to take everything he said with a grain of salt.

“I don’t think I’m better than you, baby. What I do think, though, is you need to eat your cereal.” She pushed the bowl closer to him and he snatches the spoon from inside the bowl. 

He shoves multiple heaping spoonfuls into his mouth. “Fine, if it will make you get off my back.” Small bits of chewed cereal spray all over the table as he spoke. 

~

“Y/N, I think I need help,” Sirius said one evening, an empty bottle of vodka in his hand. His cheek was laying on her shoulder and his drool was dripping down her shirt. He was dressed in striped boxers and a raggedy Beatles t-shirt, but this time, the fabric had various stains and burn marks. Y/N wiped some of the sweat-soaked hair off of his forehead. 

“Help with what, babe?” 

He lifts the bottle in response. “I want to be happy again.”

The following day, Y/N contacted a drug rehab center. When they arrived, Y/N kissed Sirius’ cheek. 

“I’m proud of you for getting help,” She whispered so only he could hear. Sirius looked as if he couldn’t understand what Y/N was saying. 

“I don’t want to be here, Y/N. Please don’t make me.” His voice came out as a whimper, making Y/N’s eyes grow damp. 

“I know, my love, but this place is going to help you.” Y/N wiped a tear from her cheek. “I love you.”

~

Sirius stayed in rehab for three months before he was released. 

The first time Y/N saw him was magical; his hair was cut short, he had shaven his beard, his skin was back to its normal color and his eyes had regained their sparkle. He seemed to get his colors back. When Y/N ran to hug him, though, he didn’t hug back.

“Sirius! You look so good!” Y/N exclaimed, taking in the new look of her boyfriend. 

“Thank you, you do too.” His voice was monotone and flat, his eyes landing on anything but hers. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I think we need to talk, Y/N,” He led her to sit down on a bench outside of the rehabilitation center. He took a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve had a lot of time to think, and a lot of time to talk to different professionals. I don’t want you to take offense to what I’m about to say because it is anything but your fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, my therapists said I need to take a break from things that are bringing me distress so I can move on and heal.” He looked down at his hands. “And that’s James and Lily’s death. Y/N, every time I look at you I’m reminded of them and the good times we had. I think about how we’re Harry’s godparents. I think about how James always used to kiss your cheek to make me jealous. I think about you and them, Y/N.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Y/N felt her entire world begin to collapse. 

“I think we need time to heal separately, to deal with this in our own ways. I love you so much and I am so grateful for what you’ve done for me, but I need a break.”

Y/N felt her chest close and her shoulders shake with a sob. She got up from the bench quickly, pushing past Sirius and towards the parking structure. 

She was no longer purple or even blue; she was the color of a thunderstorm. She was the color of a bad day, of paying taxes and skinning your knee. Y/N was the color of pain and she wasn’t sure if she would ever be purple again.

#sirius black #sirius orion black #sirius oneshot #sirius imagine #sirius black x reader #sirius black x you #sirius black x reader angst #marauders #marauders era #young!sirius black #young!sirius black x reader #remus lupin #remus lupin x reader #james potter #james potter x reader #harry potter #harry potter x reader #angst #harry potter angst #first wizarding war #ben barnes

[alottamoney]

Lisa again.I hope you have been well.

Tae loving jk more in the truest sense of this word has nothing to do with jk intentionally choosing to do so. Whatever I will say now, no one can provide any proof of that.Not even JK himself because feelings change,mindset change from morning to noon to afternoon. This is just my thoughts thinking about the way things have happened. 2 things are important here. The importance of BTS to JK and V's depression.

JK has spent more time with BTS than his own family.His puberty, adolescence and youth have been shaped by bts. Compare it with V and Jimin.They were already a teen when they joined bh.The hyungs were late teen. The way BTS was JK's home,the hyungs' perception of bts do not compare in the same way.JK's has an extra emotional weight added to it.When he says bts is family, I am not sure about the others,but JK means it,and not just Tae.

That aside, lets dive into Tae's depression that came to the public light in 2020 after all the members decided to write all at the same time(?) uplifting messages to Tae about him 'being down recently' ,where as his depression was actually in full public display starting from 2018 Fake Love era. He was spiralling into the darkness day by day. Judging by how his change in mood became prominent after the new contract took effect in June 2020, and judging by the immense circumstantial evidence of him wanting to consider to leave bts in 2018-19, I would deduce his depression was partly linked with this which occupies a large portion of his life. What a coincidence that it perfectly coincides Taekook's tumultuous hot and cold relationship during the same period.

Now starts the "what I think" part. I think....I asked myself why would Tae be so deep into depression that it was visible to the public?Was there no one(Read Jungkook as he is the closest to Tae emotionally) who he could talk to or open up? If I followed this thought then the answer was no, he could not. Either, JK was largely unavailable emotionally, or Tae himself did not open up, or JK was so busy he did not have enough time. All of them stem from them not being on the same page about something.So what did Tae do?He started going out. Entry of Park Bogum.In Feb 2019, Tae was seen publicly with Bogum,on 2019 June 16, Tae went out to celebrate Bogum's Bday by drinking wine, at the same time Jungkook made a Vlive drinking wine and spitting out some iconic lines.The summary is Tae was bonding with friends but he still was depressed.A lot of jikook happened during that time, probably just jungkook shit talking Tae going out every day and oh boy the song recommendations from them both!!Beyonce-"I know you don't care too much ,but I still care" and Air Supply-" And I don't know how you do it,Making love out of nothing at all" and Air Supply- "All out of love"...The final blow came when Tae went away to vacay with wooga squad for weeks and Jungkook was hiding in twitter,whenever Tae made a post, he revealed himself like a genie. Whatever their problem was during that time, it was connected with the contract and staying with bts.Around that time news were reported that BTS members are revising their contract with their own lawyer.I am not too sure about the date and year so don't quote me on that.This is the most plausible and realistic reason. Other unrealistic reasons could include they were cheating with other people which they were not because their relationship was not cold throughout.It was hot and cold.They actually continued acting very intimately.

Family could be a reason, but if family was a reason, tae and jungkook would be on the same page. It was something that Tae could not resolve by sharing with jungkook,hence his sadness kept growing. Jungkook may have thought he could be saving both bts and his relationship but he was so loaded with work that there was no time.

Now if I try to psychoanalyze Jungkook then I can ask -why he did not choose his relationship over the betterment of the group if he loves Tae so much,which he does? A very complex question.The simple answer would be people are rarely one dimensional. JK too is not. Jin in 2018 speech said he is thankful to the members who hold their heart. I, in one of the previous asks mentioned about the story about a galactic princess and sheepherder,which is JK's recommended story to read,he thought of it as being very romantic. Combine with that sensibility his natural drive to excel at everything.People like that are never satisfied with doing less. The situational separation was much harder for Tae to get accustomed to than it was for JK simply because their attachment to BTS/the members are different. That's why JK is always mindful of serving BTS best even at times at the expense of his own relationship;aka hurting Tae, most probably because he wanted Tae to understand and thought of Tae as stronger than he is when it comes to Taekook. I think if you read the lyrics of My Time, you get a sense JK realizes some of it were misjudgement on his part about Tae being able to handle being away from him for the group's sake the way it was expected of them. I get the feeling that Jungkook is learning to manage now.That's where the hypothesis comes from, that while Tae is only and only JK focused, JK is trying to manage both ,right now 50-50. That's why when Tae's actions may not be in bts's best interest, instead of going the previous route, he tries to meet him 60-50.I have no doubt if Tae really left, JK would have followed, but not without trying his hardest to make him stay.Speaking in Business way,right now, BTS without any 7 will lose its appeal massively.Maybe before it was different.The hyungs know this. And if things remained the same, tae would have u-turned no matter how slow the speed was. Jungkook has a role to play here.

I am not saying Tae completely changed his mind about leaving.I do not know his mind right now.But Jungkook is catering to Tae's wish and BTS'interest at 60-50 because they are interwined,as every member is with bts's future legacy.

It is kind of funny to think that when the hyungs wants Tae to do something, they let Jungkook handle it because Tae is not going to listen to them once he made up his mind---this is just funny to think about.

Lisa anon,

That is a lot. I'll share my thoughts in the next post.

#taekook #vkook #bts kookv #bts jungkook #bts taehyung #ask me questions

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #435

from yesterday, don’t feel like updating the answers. :^)

When you get married what do you think you’ll put most of your focus and money into? Uhhh. I really don't know... I mean maybe doing all I can do avoid debt? That's what my parents mostly argued about, and I know financial strain can really affect a couple. I never want that burden. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? My damn self. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No; my parents didn't grow up here. Wait! I THINK Mom had one of my college professors? I don't recall for sure, and I definitely don't remember who it was. Are you the type of person who seeks out revenge? Nah. Are there any songs that inspire you? Certainly, such as "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne, "Get Up" by Shinedown, and more. How do you feel about celebrities getting involved in politics? Do you think that the celebrity world and the political world should be kept apart? Not at all; everyone has the right to share their opinion and should not feel like it's necessary to censor it. Let them be people with morals and beliefs, too. I'm totally fine with them CHOOSING to be quiet about controversial subjects, but they're more than welcome to share their thoughts on any topic. What is one pro of living where you do, and what is one con? What is a pro and a con of living where you wished you lived? I guess the only real pro (and this is horrible to be the first thought) is that we're under the radar; like, not really a target for terrorism or anything, lol. I'd get kinda nervous if I lived in, like, Washington D.C. or something. We have A LOT of cons: there is NOTHING to do, we're essentially a hub for crime, the scenery is boring and bland as fuck... I could go on for a long time. I'd love to live in many areas in North America, but I'll go with Alaska, since that would absolute RULE. A strong pro would definitely be the cold climate and the sights, but it would definitely be a con to me when that relentless dark era lasts for months on end. I need the sun (from inside anyway, ha ha) sometimes, because it being dark for what, half a year?, would really damage my happiness. What is your favorite episode of your favorite TV show? Referring to Meerkat Manor, it's actually the one where Mozart dies, I think, even though it destroyed my heart. I just think the writer portrayed it as so beautifully tragic, and the clips shown were so pretty. Does having others watch you do things make you uncomfortable? What sorts of things make you extremely uncomfortable if you are watched while doing them? Are there any things that give you confidence to do if you have an audience? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. Do NOT watch me on the computer (especially when writing), I literally will not draw if someone's watching (inevitably besides in Art classes, I think Sara is legit the only person who's watched me draw a bit), I really don't like people watching me edit photography, I'm nooot a fan of others seeing me exercise (though I kinda have to suck that up with having a personal trainer), etc. etc. Just don't watch me do anything, lol. I don't know what actually boosts my confidence if I'm being observed. Does someone in your house speak a different language on a regular basis? No. Do you follow or care about any big sports events? Not at all. Are there any activities people normally do together that you prefer doing alone? Hm. I dunno. If you are going somewhere where you’ll have to wait for a while (i.e. a doctor’s office), do you bring something to occupy yourself? My phone, yeah. How long is your favorite song? I checked, and it's almost six minutes. Do you think you’d ever want to be “internet famous”? I'll admit I've somewhat thought about it, only because my career choices are running so dry, and I'd be able to do it alone. However, I've got noooo idea what I'd actually do, and I also don't think I could handle ridicule or anything like that for any reason. Having a spotlight on me would stress me out. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My older sister. What moment in your life have you been most scared? Probably this one occasion where Dad had to pick my sister and me up from school one day and make the 30-minute drive home. Well. He was clearly in a hellish mood because he was flying. He ran stop signs and red lights, passed people illegally... I was in the passenger's seat and absolutely convinced we were going to crash. I can barely believe we didn't. Who was the last person you slow danced with? -_- Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. I like how they block out external sound better, and they don't hurt my ears like headphones do. What person/people do you trust the most? My mom. Who in your life do you care about more than yourself? My parents, sisters, my nieces and nephew, Sara... A lot of people, if I'm being honest. I don't value my life as much as I should. Which wild animal would you most like to have as a pet? I am DESPERATE to rescue an opossum one day. :''''( What teacher did all the high school boys/girls have a crush on? I have no idea. Have you ever felt seriously violated? No. Do you watch American Horror Story? I adore(d) the first season; it was mine and Jason's "show." We watched most of season two as well, but I lost interest in the later half of it. I haven't really watched it since, save for the pilot episode of some season I forgot. Does your hometown have any urban legends/scary stories? Not to my knowledge. What’s the scariest nightmare you remember having? Something involving my dad that I won't speak about. Pancakes or French toast? Oh my god, French toast. That sounds delicious rn. Are there any apps you’re addicted to? Not addicted, nah. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? Yes; it was a bunny holding a multicolor polka-dotted blanket. Do you still collect stuffed animals? Hell yeah. Have you ever had eggs cooked over a campfire? No. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Just black. What font do you usually use? I mean, it depends on what I'm doing. Is it supposed to appear professional? Aesthetically pleasing? It varies too much to answer this with one font. What about font colors? Usually just black, but again, it depends on what I'm writing. Are you good at making graphics or designing layouts? Ha, no. Do you put gel or mousse in your hair? No. Sleep with just one pillow? No, I use two. I am VERY uncomfortable with just one. Ever woke up crying? Yeah, from nightmares. Do you like big dogs or small dogs better? It depends on the breed and their energy level. I don't really prefer one over the other as a general judgment. Are you going to graduate high school on time? I did. Been to the zoo lately? No, but I'd love to go. :/ Now that I'd consider myself at least a pretty decent photographer, I'd love to see what shots I could take. I LOVE photographing animals with how unpredictable they are. It's like playing the lottery; you really don't know what you're going to get, but you have the chance for seriously priceless moments. Even if we could afford the trip, though, I know I wouldn't last long whatsoever with my legs being as weak as gelatine. I know especially that there's a notable incline in the path, and I'd never make it up it. I really, really look forward to the day where I can really start feeling a difference in my body thanks to the gym. Have you ever been to Mississippi? No. What did you do for your last birthday? We went to The Cheesecake Factory. Do you like to cook? No. What is the worst thing that has happened to you in your entire life? If I'm looking at the big picture and what truly damaged my pleasure in life the most, it'd be developing depression and such intense anxiety. I've given up so much and changed so negatively because of it. Do you know when your next family reunion will be? We've never had one. My family is too spread out. What is your favorite thing to do with your significant other? I'm single, but even in a relationship, I love playing video games together. I've got multiple memories of just having a great time doing that. Where is “home” for you? Wherever Mom is. Is there an animal that creeps you out? Whale sharks, maggots and other bug larvae, centipedes, many beetles, and some other bugs. What is the name of the last band you discovered? Uhhh.. good question. I admittedly don't listen to new music a lot. I tend to stick to the stuff I know. Do you prefer group projects, or would you prefer to work alone? I would rather kick my ankle against a Razer scooter than do a group project. Have you ever been to Hooters? No. Do you have a brother? What’s his name? Yeah, Robert, but everyone calls him "Bobby." Have you ever thought that your life was so bad you wanted to give up? About a billion times. I still do sometimes. Do you have a ceiling fan located in your bedroom? Yes. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No, but I was supposed to visit one in the fourth grade. The water was way too aggressive that day, though, so we had a change of plans and went to a closer island. Hell, it might have been the better option, because it had horses. I remember collecting seashells, too, and just watching the power of the ocean hammer at the shores. It was really pretty. Have you ever been bitten by an animal? Only playfully, like by a cat. Well wait, I think my old baby iguana may have bitten me once (he sure tried to, ha ha), but I don't remember for sure. Did it rain today? Yes. It rains pretty much every afternoon here in the late summer. What was the name of the last dog you pet? Zeke, my sister's German shepherd. He's adorable. Has your luggage ever been lost at the airport? Did you get it back? No. Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? I pretty much always hug my friends when I see them. I'm a big hugger. Have you ever witnessed a tornado? No, thank the fucking Lord. Who is your favorite person to talk to when you’re down? Sara. What are you listening to right now? "Blood For Blood" by Powerwolf. Can you get over people easy? Hell no. I do NOT handle loss well AT ALL. And not just romantically. What was the last thing you carried to your room? A drink. Do you drink water that comes from your sink? Only once it's been filtered. Have you ever prank called the police? That is fucking awful. No. What’s your LEAST favorite smiley? XD looks so stupid to me I'm sorry lmao xD reigns supreme. Do you like Italian food? Yeah, more than I used to. Have you ever put red lipstick on just to make lip marks on something? No. Do you watch Shane Dawson on YouTube? Isn't his career pretty much toast now? I DID used to love his videos, though. I still occasionally watch his fiance, though, and he pops up sometimes. Regardless of everything, I still think he's funny as fuck. Would you ever spend a day to see what it’s like to be homeless? NOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO. I am TERRIFIED of living on the streets someday. I want NO idea what it's like. Is the house you’re currently living in over 50 years old? I highly doubt that. Have you ever had a yard sale? Many. What is your favorite color? Baby pink. Did you have a good day or a bad day? Today was extreeeemely dull and felt like it lasted eons. Do you know anyone that has/had cancer? I sadly know maaaaany. Have you ever read somebody else’s diary? No, that is incredibly rude. Do you enjoy going to school? I hated it from start to end. Like I have good memories, but overall, I hated school. Were you a big jump roper back in the day? OHHHH YES. I almost learned how to double-dutch, even. I could jump with two ropes, but not jump in with two. Are you a local celebrity? Definitely not. Do you eat candy daily? No. I'm already fat dude, I don't need candy. I avoid candy as best as I can. Do you get nervous with public speaking? Like you would not believe. How old were you when you got your driver's license (if you have it)? I'm 25 and still don't have it. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you? Yes. What memory are you most afraid of losing? Meh, I don't know. A lot of what I consider my "favorite" memories I'd honestly be better off losing, probably. Who accompanied you to your first concert? My mom, younger sister, and Jason. Would you rather have tickets to see your favorite band in concert, or $100 to go shopping? TAKE ME TO THE OZZY CONCERT. What do you usually eat for breakfast? It really varies. I'd say cereal most often, probably? Do you wish you were more outgoing? Yeah. Do you know anyone who wears a hearing aid? I don't think so?

#survey #surveys #random questions

[drummergirl231-2]

How much of Disney Afternoon have you seen and thoughts on the shows from that era you saw?

Ahhh I think the best way to handle this ask is in list form!

I’ll use the list of shows off Wikipedia to make sure I don’t miss any.

I was born in 1992 so most of my memories of Disney Afternoon shows are actually of watching reruns of them all day long with my big brother at my grandma’s old house during summers in the mid-late ‘90s.

The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

I mean, obviously I started watching that in diapers. We actually had a couple episodes on VHS that I watched at home a lot, and I got to see the rest of the show at grandma’s (we usually just had basic cable at home).

Adventures of the Gummi Bears

Weirdly, we didn’t watch it. I wonder if my mom didn’t let us because of the magic? Like I get some parents not letting their kids watch stuff with magic, but I don’t get how weirdly selective most of them are about it. Most parents who ban certain shows or movies because of magic will still let their kids watch other things with magic.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

DuckTales (1987)

My school’s daycare had some episodes on VHS (including “Duck to the Future” ...*shudders*) and I think they had the movie, too. I also remember renting the movie from Blockbuster and watching it perched on the end of my mom’s bed. DuckTales usually wasn’t on during the day during summers though, from what I remember... if we ever saw it at Grandma’s house, it was if we were spending the night there. It’d come on in the evenings. 

Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers

OKAY THIS SHOW WAS NUMBER ONE I ADORED EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. It had my first OTP, I made my first OCs for it... I’m pretty sure this show is what made me like... a fandom kinda fan. I re-watched the whole series again when I was 15, but it’s been a while. My favorite episode when I was little was “Out to Launch.”

TaleSpin

I watched it sometimes. It’d be the show that was on when my mom would drop us off at Grandma’s at 7:30 am. Not sure why I never got super into it. Maybe I was just anticipating the shows I liked more that would come on later in the morning? Or I was confused how Baloo from The Jungle Book could be a pilot with clothes. Those kinds of things confuse kids, ya know?

Darkwing Duck

This was my second fave as a kid, and one of the ones I re-watched when I was 15. It started to mean a whole lot more to me then, since I was learning to come to terms with not growing up with a dad in the house, and seeing Drake with Gosalyn simultaneously made me grieve over that and find comfort knowing as a Christian God is my adoptive Father. <3 

What’s that? You wanna see a Drake and Gosalyn AMV that’s absolutely flawless and will make you cry? Well look no further. Here’s a link to “Darkwing Duck & Gosalyn- You are Loved (Don’t Give Up)” by Villaness. 

Goof Troop

This is another one I didn’t watch all the time. But I would sometimes. Didn’t love it, didn’t hate it. 

Bonkers

This one was probably my third favorite. I loved Fall Apart. Just thinking about the show makes me crave mac ‘n’ cheese, since it usually came on at lunchtime and that’s all I ever wanted my grandma to make for me. XD Also Bonkers was mac ‘n’ cheese colors. Even his little police uniform was blue like the Kraft box. Good times.

Aladdin (the series)

Yup, I watched it. Wasn’t my fave, but wasn’t boring.

Quack Pack

Shoot, I kinda wanna tie this with Bonkers as my third favorite from when I was a kid. I loved Quack Pack. I thought it was cool seeing HDL as teenagers. I liked Louie the best. Weirdly though when I try to re-watch it... I dunno, I get bored really fast. So I haven’t watched it all the way through again.  Half the time I imagine Daisy saying something though I still hear it in my head with Kath Soucie’s voice instead of Tress MacNielle’s because of Quack Pack. XD

Mighty Ducks

Didn’t watch it... not really a sports fan.

The Lion King’s Timon and Pumbaa

I liked this one a lot. Usually episodes of this on VHS would be my go-to at Blockbuster, and I’d watch it at Grandma’s, too.

Gargoyles

I don’t think I was allowed to watch it. I wasn’t really interested in it, anyway.

101 Dalmatians (the series)

Given the movie was one of my favorite movies as a kid, of course I liked the series based off it. Sometimes the theme song STILL gets stuck in my head, even though I can’t really remember all the lyrics.

Doug

I actually got to watch this throughout the year, since it’d also air on ABC on Saturday mornings (with Recess and such). But Doug was in junior high and I couldn’t totally relate to him yet, so I preferred Recess. 

Hercules (the series)

We weren’t allowed to see the movie so we just assumed we couldn’t watch the show, either. 

Some other shows I’d watch on the Disney Channel or Toon Disney were Madeline, The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, The Little Mermaid (series), and Jungle Cubs.

Hey, was anyone else watching the Jungle Cubs episode “The Coming of the Wolves,” in Summer 2000 when Toon Disney just suddenly vanished from channel 52 (I think we had Charter cable)? Like, Cartoon Network on channel 51 still worked, 53 (whatever it was) worked, but 52 just became black and white static for no reason. Sad day. I liked Toon Disney better than the Disney Channel. 

A few years later when my brother and I were old enough to stay home alone (and Grandma moved 2.5 hours away, besides), mom would get good cable for us during summer and I found Toon Disney on channel like... 304? But by then my favorite shows weren’t even airing anymore. :/

[scvrllet]

congrats on 2k my love! 🦋 for umbrella academy and/or harry potter please! name is P and im short, brown hair, brown/black eyes, freckles. she/her and male preference for ship please! i'm a ravenclaw, wand is hazel wood with a unicorn hair core, 10 ½" and hard flexibility, irish wolfhound is my patronus and golden trio era please! i love baking, singing and writing! i really dislike carrots and ignorant people. i'm really loyal and ambitious and trustworthy and understanding. thank you!<3

I ship you with...

Ben Hargreeves

Let’s pretend he’s 18/19 for this headcanon’s sake

The two of you probably met while the Umbrella Academy was on a mission one day. He was covered in blood and looked miserable but he sparked your interest as the two of you locked eyes for a brief second

Little did the two of you know that you would both meet again later that night when Ben snuck out to go to the local diner for a donut and a milkshake

He saw you sitting a booth all alone and decided that you could use some company so he went over to your seat and said:“Hi could I sit here?”

“Oh uhm, yeah of course.” You said after your shock of seeing him stand in front of you wore off which was thankfully rather quickly 

You were pleasantly surprised when you found out that he wasn’t a cocky and ignorant child like many famous children were seen as

The night seemed to go by so quickly because before you knew it, your table was littered with many empty plates and mugs of hot chocolate and the diner owner was pushing you two out the door

Like the sweetheart he is, he offered to walk you home which was much farther from the Academy but he didn’t mind though it was terribly late by the time you both got there

“Why don’t you stay the night? It’s not safe out during this hour.” 

“P I’m a superhero, I’ll be fine. But I will stay if it makes you feel better.”

And that’s exactly what he did, expect instead of sleeping the two of you sat on your couch talking until you eventually passed out

When you finally woke up, it was the afternoon and you were sleeping alone on the couch with a blanket wrapped around you

Your place was quiet and you highly doubted that Ben was still here

On your coffee table you saw a note which read: Dad didn’t know I snuck out, I’ll see you again tomorrow. -Ben

So the next night, at the same time and place, you met with Ben again and the same thing happened: multiple plates and mugs on your table, the owner pushing you out the door, then walking back to your place where you would talk all night until you passed out

And each morning when you woke up there was always a note and day for when the next late night meet-ups would happen

This went on for nearly two months and every-time, he rarely spoke about his family though he didn’t avoid the topic completely. If you had nay questions or curiosities he was happy to answer them, he just felt as though mentioning his family was bragging in a way and he didn’t want to be that kind of person

So the shock you felt when you entered the diner to see the seats filled with the rest of his siblings was almost overwhelming

“P, these are my siblings. Guys this is P.” Ben introduced as you walked up to the booth and that was the first of many nights where the Hargreeves siblings would sneak out of bed every weekend their father was out of town to meet up with you. Ben still went every other Tuesday and Friday for some time just between the two of you though

and Cedric Diggory

Cedric was walking to the kitchens after Quidditch practice for a snack when the sweet smell of vanilla filled his senses and he could’ve sworn he heard someone singing

“Dinner might be good tonight.” He thought to himself as walked through the doors to the kitchens only to see it almost empty causing him to wonder where that smell came from if the House Elves weren’t making anything as of now

Shrugging the thought off, he walked towards the fridge only to freeze in his steps when he saw a student taking something out of the oven. They were humming a song and didn’t seem to sense his presence 

When they turned around, they almost dropped the tray of baked cookies and that was when Cedric realized who it was

“P, what are you doing here?” He asked after you placed the tray of cookies onto the counter-top

Hufflepuff shared quite a few classes with Ravenclaw so it wasn’t a surprise that you both knew each-other though you’ve never really spoken 

“I’m uh, baking.” For some reason it sounded like a lie despite it being the truth. The evidence was right there in front of you

Cedric mentally slapped himself for asking such a stupid question 

“Oh right.” 

It was very awkward silence between the two of you for a  few seconds until you offered him a cookie which he gladly accepted. He even offered to stay and help you clean up, suddenly forgetting his previous desires to get a quick snack than go to bed until dinner 

Of course, it was quite awkward as you two cleaned up the mess you had created and your small-talk turned into a conversation about your classes 

Mainly complaining about Snape 

The conversation sadly ended by the time you were finished in the kitchens and you both realized dinner was going to start soon. He walked you back to your Common Room - despite your many protests because “there’s a lot of stairs you know?” - and didn’t seem to complain the way up

Not expecting to talk to him again, you were surprised to see him walk up to you after class on Monday with a soft smile as he asked about your day

It was a short conversation but you appreciated the gesture

He would often walk into the kitchens in hopes of seeing you. Most of the time he does but other times it’s only the House Elves but when he does walk in on you baking, you usually don’t notice until he says something

“You have a beautiful singing voice you know?” 

Always manages to scare you by doing so causing you to glare at him for making you almost drop what you were holding

“If you do that again I’m not giving you any.” 

He’s just so sweet and spends most of his free time with you whether it be in the library, the kitchens, or an empty corridor. He doesn’t care where, as long as it’s with you

not my gifs

(SHIP REQUESTS ATE CLOSED)

join my sleepover event!

#blisfvlls 2k sleepover #jens 2k sleepover #ships #ben hargreeves #ben hargreeves ship #tua ship #cedric diggory #cedric diggory ship #hp ship #sokkasdarling #🦋

[geist-fledermaus]

Get To Know Me!

Since I’ve received quite a few followers here and there, I might as well do this!

What is your full name?: Beryl (Sorry, I don’t like my whole name)

What does your name mean?: It’s a gemstone. 

Are you named after anyone?: My großmütter, Beryl Rae Jensen

Does your name make any interesting anagrams?: Not really?

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?: Fuck if I know. Probably something basic so I’m less easy to find. 

Where are you from?: North Pole, AK (I shit you not)

Where were you born?: North Pole, AK

Where did you grow up?: North Pole, AK

Who did you look up to growing up?: My father.

What are your best characteristics?: I can draw. 

What are your favorite things about yourself?: I can draw. 

Which of your parents are you closest to?: My dad.

Which of your parents are you more like?: My daaaad.

What relative was important to you growing up & why?: Tbh My dad was my super hero, he took care of me and my sister, worked 3 jobs, and took care of mom while she went through cancer. He’s the most important lmfao.

What is one thing that you’ve never revealed to your parents?: I’m Pagan.

What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?: Bert Raymond... 

What is your best physical feature?: Eyes or chest. :/ 

What is your biggest accomplishment?: Being locally recognized as an artist, especially on local TV. 

What is your biggest fear?: Being forgotten, being alone. 

What is your biggest regret?: Not pushing myself even more with art. 

What is your eye color?: Various blues with inner green circles. 

What inspires you?: Other artists. 

What is the most important thing in your life?: My fiance! @boywasgirl

What has required the most courage of you in your life so far?: To not give up. To not quit college and drop everything I’ve worked hard for. 

What is your favorite flower?: Sunflowers!

What is your favorite weather?: Rainy weather and thunder/lightning storms!

Who is your favorite actor?: I have a few, but I love Johnny Depp and Jason Momoa. 

Who is your favorite actress?: F u c k. I adore Emma Stone, Emma Watson.. uhh.. Emilia Clarke! That’s just to name a few. 

Who is your favorite celebrity?: Oh fuck. Idk. 

Who is your favorite musician?: They’re a band but I love Bring Me The Horizon, Oliver Syke’s voice and lyrics hit me hard. 

Who’s your favorite person in the world?: @boywasgirl

Who are your best friends?: @armageddonne @darkdragoonxiii @vixenchildxd69-blog and my bff Alisha! 

What is your favorite childhood memory?: My sister breaking the fucking garage door like a dumbshit. 

What is your favorite color?: Black or seafoam green~ I also love other greens and blues! It’s so damn hard to choose. 

What is your favorite cultural activity?: Uh. Axe throwing? Idk what counts as a cultural activity when it comes to me and my family haha. 

What is your favorite drink?: For waking up, Monster or pomegranate and orange redbull kickers, I love mountain dew, anything with peaches and mango as well. 

What is your favorite fairytale?: HAHA. I looove reading about the Tales of Grimm. I can’t just pick one. 

What is your favorite food?: Pizza or Taco Bell.

What is your favorite holiday destination?: Anywhere but Alaska. I love to explore. I REALLY want to travel to Germany, Norway, Ireland, England, and most of Western Europe. 

What is your favorite ice-cream flavor?: Strawberry Cheesecake or Mint Chocolate

What is your favorite music genre?: Fuck. I have so many. I love a lot of metal subgenres, alternative rock, punk, old 2000′s emo bands, EDM, rap, I don’t even know how to label all of my favorites but there’s a lot to unpack there. If you’re curious just shoot me a question ahaha! 

What is your favorite physical activity?: Swimming!! 

What is your favorite quote?: “Keep listening to music because it gets you through everything, I promise.” - Mitch Lucker, former vocalist of Suicide Silence. 

What is your favorite snack?: Peach Rings, Brightside Skittles.. Uhh. MY MOM’S CLAM DIP AND RUFFLES CHIPS? 

What is your favorite song?: Throne - BMTH or Mis//Understanding - We Came As Romans.

What is your favorite sport?: Swimming, Hockey, Volleyball and Fencing. 

What is your favorite time of the day?: Early afternoons or late nights. 

What is your favorite type of clothing?: Goth/Alt fashion. 

What is your favorite way to pass time?: Gaming or drawing. 

What is the name of your favorite restaurant?: Family Diner (It’s in my town. It’s really chill and laid back.)

What is your all-time favorite town or city? Why?: I really enjoyed Denver, CO. It was filled with really colorful, intriguing personalities. There was so much to explore, everyone was so open and sweet. 

What is your height?: ... 5′2″

What time period would you love to live in?: Viking Era. 

What did you do for fun as a child?: Drawing. 

Who was a role model in your life?: My dad! 

Did you have any childhood pets?: I grew up with 5 cats and 4 dogs! 

When you were young, what did you want to be?: A mortician. 

What family traditions were important to you?: I can’t even remember many.. I loved during gatherings how we’d play Spoons, wrestle, and be reckless though. 

What was your favorite childhood memory?: Ahah! Shenanigans with my “Twin” Kyle. 

What was your favorite childhood possession?: My Gameboy Color! 

What challenges did you experience when you were young?: Almost losing my mother, trying to speak English, being bullied heavily. 

What is a defining moment from your childhood?: My mother coming home from the hospital finally. 

What do you do for fun?: Play video games and draw. I’m pretty boring. 

What are your hobbies?: Drawing, Painting, Digital Art, Gaming, Dancing, Singing.

What is something that you’re really passionate about?: My art.

What is something you could spend hours doing?: Drawing

What is something you wish you did more often?: Draw. 

If you had to watch a documentary, what would you want it to be about?: Anything WW1/WW2 related or Forensics/Serial Killer related. 

What do you always have on in the background?: Lofi Hiphop or random videos on youtube that catch my eye. 

How do you feel about travel?: Fuck yeah, where are we going and for how long? 

What is a guilty pleasure you enjoy?: Fuckin’ watching Serial Killer documentaries. 

How have your interests changed over the years?: Nah, I’m still the same. I’m pretty bland. 

Which sibling are you closest to?: My sister, Erika! 

How close are you with your parents?: Close but not too close.

How has your relationship with your parents changed over the years?: For the worse.

What is one of the most important lessons that you learned from your family?: You cannot trust anyone. Not even your own family. 

When does your family cause you to stress?: All the damn time. All they need to do is send me a text and I immediately begin to dread. 

What does the word family mean to you?: Something that I never got to fully have but I experienced. It’s also something I can create on my own accord. 

When you envision your ideal family, what do you see?: Honestly me with my partner/partners, kids, animals, and friends. 

How vulnerable is your family with each other?: Everyone is always on guard and they’ll be mean if you even show some form of sensitivity. 

What is a family trait that isn’t necessarily the healthiest?: Being a snitch, gaslighting, gatekeeping, misogyny, yelling if you even show an inkling of emotion. I could go on. 

What relatives had the biggest impact on you growing up?: In a negative way, almost all of my family. The only two I really loved growing up were my dad and sister, Erika. 

What do you watch on television?: If it’s cable I go to MTV, Forensic Files, or Adult Swim/Anything with cartoons. 

What is one of your favorite movies?: To Hell And Back, Howl’s Moving Castle, Princess Mononoke, Dracula Untold (For some reason I just really like it, don’t judge). 

If you could have free tickets to any event, what would it be?: A BMTH concert PLEASE. Or anything that’s a EDM/Rave environment. ;_;

What is your favorite form of media?: Youtube tbh. 

What role does music play in your life?: A huge role, BMTH got me through a lot of hard times. 

What is one of your favorite books?: Corey Taylor’s Seven Deadly Sins. It’s a riot of a read and makes me laugh. 

How often do you watch sporting events?: Here and there, especially at bars if they have Hockey going. 

What would your ideal weekend getaway look like?: Road trip to Anchorage and staying at my mom’s cousin’s estate in the mountains. I only got to go there a few times and the view is absolutely captivating. You can see the waters, the city, all the lights.. fuck I’d love to draw that. 

Who are popular figures that you love to learn from?: Fuck if I know LOL. 

What celebrity/musician would you love to meet in real life?: Oliver Sykes and Maria Brink tbh.

If you wrote a memoir about your life, what would it be called?: “Well, That Happened.” A memoir of a dumb bitch LOL. 

What fictional world would you want to travel to for a day?: FUCK. I’d love to just be in a simulation like the girl in Porter Robinson’s music video of Shelter. Just being in a drawing simulation where I can run around and create anything and everything around me. But if we’re talking actual worlds.. I’d probably love to be in Avatar The Last Airbender’s world. I love that series so much. 

What room in your house most represents who you are as a person?: The Office. It’s got art supplies, our gaming PC, all of my schoolwork/homework, the drawing tablets.. 

How clean a person are you?: Tbh I am pretty clean, it’s just cleaning huge messes/unpacking that I hate. 

What is a pet peeve that you have?: STOP CHEWING WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH OPEN. 

What behavior do you do that is most likely a pet peeve to others?: Uhh. Idk. Nail biting? Loud laughter? forgetting to turn off lights? Idk. 

What phrase or word do you overuse when you talk?: “I’m so sorry” “I m a g i n e” 

If you could only eat at one restaurant for the rest of your life, what would it be?: Fuck. Hahaaaaa. I’d probably love to just sit and eat at the Family Diner. I love their Reubens. 

What is something about your personality that you like? Don’t like?: I like that people feel comfortable running to me when they need a friend. I don’t like a lot about me, though.

What would your friends be surprised to learn about you?: I am ambidextrous and I know German/Englisch and some French! I want to learn Norwegian even more and Gaelic! 

Where do you see yourself in a few years?: West coast where it’s rainy with those that I love, pursuing my career finally after all these years of hard work. 

Thanks for reading this if you finally made it to the end! If there’s other questions you want to ask, don’t hesitate! ^^ Hopefully you learned something about me! 

#Get to know me #Hi #102 questions better be enough #ask #ask me anything

[brookswackermanfeetcam]

You should do all of them questions and 90 is true

I love you!!!!

1. Favorite instrument?

I work at a music store u can’t just ask me this. When my coworkers play it’s the saxophone or the flute, when the boys in the repair shop are testing repairs and they harmonize with each other or try to outplay one another it’s the bassoon or the trombone or whatever they’re fixing at the moment. When I hear 🎺 give his lesson on Wednesday afternoons it’s the trumpet, and when I think about middle school it’s the clarinet, the flute, the French horn. When I hear the nutcracker pas des deux is the oboe and when I hear edith piaf l’accordeoniste it’s the remarkable human voice. Really my favorite instrument is all of them, it just depends.

2. Favorite fic trope? Mutual pining 🥺

3. Sport you played for the longest amount of time? LMAO I wasn’t a sporty kid but I did ballet

4. Shoe size? 10-11

5. Most recent (good) dream? Uhh I had a dream last night about my coworker 🎹 it wasn’t bad though I can’t really remember what it was about

6. Last person in your DMs? smugg

7. Can you do a handstand? Nooo nooo lmaoo nooooo

8. Unpopular food opinion I don’t like oranges or red meat

9. Conspiracy you believe in? There’s some kind of weird weather dome in my hometown around the military base that makes most storms pass around us

10. Is your hair its natural color/style? Most of it is I dyed the bottom layer of my hair tho so it’s blonde rn

11. state a useless fact all that’s coming to mind is outright lies rn hold on. The inventor of pringles is buried in a pringles can that’s so fucking nasty omg

12. most interesting gossip you’ve heard? Idk I don’t really care for gossip uhhhh have u heard tho rin dippindogs is a huge gay hah she uhh she like men AND women lmao gaaay gaaaay

13. Middle name? Carolyn

14. Sexuality? Bisexual

15. Amount of sleep you got last night? Idk actually I think like 9-10 hrs tho I slept in until 11

16. Opinion on ice cream cake? Tasty!!!

17. Opinion on (cup)cake frosting? It’s depends buttercream is usually too sweet for me in large amounts so I prefer whipped cream frosting

18. Last board game you played? Idk??? We played hunt a killer tho last Thursday me n my family I guess that counts kinda

19. Project you want to start? I need ideas first baby

20. Project you’re working on right now? HAHAHAHAHAHA

21. TV show you’re watching? nothing rn I just rewatch bojack a lot if I watch anything

22. Last movie you watched? Lego batman I think

23. Ever left anon hate? Not legit hate

24. Ever left anon love? Yes all the time. Sometimes to strangers it’s my favorite thing to do

25. Best Disney movie? The princess and the frog

26. Best Pixar movie? Soul or Up I can’t decide

27. Best Star Wars? Um. Empire strikes back

28. Last thing you consumed? Fuit gumy

29. NoTP? Idk I don’t really hate ships unless they’re gross like pedophilic gross

30. story behind your (nick)name? When I was a fetus my great grandfather had a dream that my name should be Carolyn Marie but my parents were huge dweebs so they named me Marina after the actress of Deanna Troi in Star Trek. Idk about my nickname ive just always been Rina/Rin as long as I can remember

31. ice cream order? Lately it’s lemon sorbetto I know it’s SO high in sugar but I love it

32. describe your blog in <5 words I love you

33. how many blogs do you follow? 436

34. Describe your voice it depends usually I sound like a sick child but my customer service voice is really pleasant

35. Describe your smile it’s cute :)

36. What is the place you live known for? LMAOOO LMAO we have a military base nearby and like. I could go on abt that one but also like. There’s a lot of gang violence and a lot of the other consequences of poverty. People from the cities around us see us as “””ghetto””” or violent but it’s just. It’s more than that it’s always more than that. And idk what else there’s nothing really particularly special about this town except that we’re all here and not anywhere else

37. What is the place you’re originally from known for? (if they’re different)

38. pronouns? she/any idc

39. Languages you speak? English

40. first friend you made through tumblr? Idk. I probably don’t talk to them anymore :(

41. Person on tumblr you know in real life? my brother

42. First dog breed you think of shih tzu I have 2 next to me rn

43. room wall color? Purble!!!! The paint color is called grape juice that’s why I picked it!!!

44. Song that’s stuck in your head right now? It’s tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that’s right on time it’s trickyyyyy

45. Favorite number? 5, 34

46. Color you associate with your name? Red

47. Favorite jolly rancher flavor?watermelon

48. Pets? 2 dogs rocket and groot and 4 cats loki danni who r from the same litter and we raised from kittens, miss kitty who we adopted from a shelter after my boy blue moon passed away and ben (his real name is Kylo Ren thanks to my mom but I refuse to call him that) he is my little baby and he has 7 toes on his front paws

49. Collections? Hot wheels

50. Character outside of your fandom you’d marry? Girl what lmaooo idk

51. Character outside of your fandom you’d kill? That’s mean :(

52. Have you met any celebrities? NO thank god id have to kill on sight

53. Favorite time period in history? Itslian Renaissance & Romantic Era

54. What time is it right now? 2:35 am oops

55. History or future? Future but like . A good one. Or prehistory

56. Space or ocean? Space

57. Fears? Abandonment

58. Command + v and post. It’s this list of questions u don’t want that

59. Favorite season? Spring

60. Describe your aesthetic. Messy just a mess, neon and old buildings and things, antiques, countryside if there weren’t so many trump pence flags still lmaoo give uppp give up, nature just al of nature and space and places humans can’t touch and places they used to touch but can’t anymore

61. MBTI? Infp but I haven’t taken it in a few years

62. What’s your relationship with your family like? Normal.

63. “Biggest fan” in your tumblr activity? I’m in mobile hold on acc to tumblr it’s akky

64. Favorite musical? Sweeney todd

65. Comfort book? Idk how to read 💔💔💔 wuthering heights tho

66. Comfort movie? Whisper of the heart

67. OTP? Girl idk

68. BroTP? Joey and Tristan yugioh

69. AUs or canon compliant? Canon ig idk

70. Opinion on the person who’s sending the ask? It’s an anon!! But I love them

71. FMK + 3 characters anon didnt leave any characters and I was going to say something very bad but I won’t

72. Dream date? I’ve wanted to do this for a while but ideally it would be after we’d been together a while maybe even engaged or whatever, I wanna go to like a Home Depot or a furniture store and pretend to be married and looking for house paints and furniture and plan what our home is going to look like I wanna do that so bad. But idk for a first/early relationship date i really want to go to the zilker botanical garden it’s one of my favorite places, we could also go to the natural gardener which is a plant nursery in Austin I really love it there too and it’s not that far from zilker.

73. Relationship status? Single

74. Ever dyed your hair? Do you plan to? Yes and perhaps. Maybe

75. Dream job/career? Idk anymore I used to have big girl goals and I haven’t had any in a while. But when I was younger I wanted to be a game warden

76. Favorite band/singer? Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

77. Something that makes you soft/that you find adorable? My cats

78. The first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Buy a house

79. Are you superstitious? Yes

80. Character you project onto? Shizuku tsukishima

81. Fictional character you’ve had a crush on? Vergil devil may cry. Forever husband

82. Celebrity crush? LMAO

83. Person on here you’d date? my mutuals

84. Person on here you’d marry? 🥺 my mutuals

85. Person on here you’d throw into the void? Smugg

86. Other social media you have? I’ve got a photography insta that I barely use and a Twitter that’s just nintendo switch screenies that’s it

87. Finish the sentence: Due to personal reasons, ___________i will be passing away

88. Bad habit? I find it rlly hard to say no or like to say when and why I’m upset I don’t feel like for the latter I don’t feel like I should bring something that’s upsetting me up because I know I’ll get over it on my own and I don’t really trust myself to be upset about rational things. Idk I’m working on it

89. Three things you like about yourself? I’m hot, I’m kind, I’m resilient

90. Ily and you deserve the world I love you!!!!! YOU deserve it too!!!

#askies #anonymous #long post / #thank u!!

[fayewonglibrary]

Faye Wong's emotional past with Dou Wei, Jessica Jiang and Gao Yuan (2020)

DISCLAIMER: Some of this information is taken from Jessica Jiang's book so take it with a grain of salt.

- excerpt from Sister Na's Light and Shadow Notes -

Faye Wong and Dou Wei’s past must start with Jessica Jiang [Jiang Xin].

In her autobiography, "Days When My Long Hair Flew", Jessica Jiang recalled the legendary emotional entanglement between her, Dou Wei and Faye Wong.  

In 1989, Jessica Jiang was 18 years old. She was attending a party at an underground dance club when she met several young rockers including Dou Wei.

"There was a boy in a black windbreaker. I couldn't see his face under the flashing lights, but I noticed his long hair that was flying with the rhythm... He danced very well and was very intense."

It was an era when everyone was very young and also unknown. Dou Wei was a Beijing native. His parents divorced when he was young. His mother took him and his sister to live in a compound. He went to a vocational school at the age of 16 and majored in psychiatric nursing. But because of his love for music, he learned guitar during his school days and began to play music. At the age of 18, he was admitted to the Beijing Youth Music Group.

Jessica Jiang dropped out of school in her sophomore year and started to make music, initially singing in a bar. The two met and fell in love. In addition to being driven by young love, they also had a mutual appreciation for each others talents.

Jessica Jiang wrote in her book, "Love is something that suddenly occurs in an instant. It is something that catches you off guard and you can't get rid of it."

After the two lovers confirmed their relationship, Jessica Jiang followed Dou Wei to live in his small courtyard [living quarters].

At first, the parents on both sides opposed to their relationship. Dou Wei's mother felt that the two were too young to fall in love and shouldn't live together. Dou Wei persuaded his mother on the grounds that "We are serious about love, we are not playing around. We will get married when we are old enough".

At that time, Faye Wong was already a singer in Hong Kong. When she was bored, she liked to fly back to Beijing. Beijing was home and a place of freedom and love. At that time, Faye Wong’s boyfriend was Luan Shu from the band Hei Bao [Black Panther], so she also knew Dou Wei and the other band members.

According to Jessica Jiang's recollection, one day she was home alone and received a parcel pickup slip from the postman. The address was the United States and the sender was Faye Wong.

When Dou Wei returned home, he took the slip to the post office to retrieve the package. It was a box full of CDs, a nice knit cap, and a letter. The letter was about her recent troubles, and at the end it said, "Can you stop calling me Little Wong in the future?"

Obviously, such precious gifts and an ambiguous letter from across the ocean meant something beyond a relationship of ordinary friends.

Dou Wei saw Jessica Jiang's displeasure and said, "Don't be so petty." and then gave the hat that Faye Wong sent to him to Jessica.

As for when Faye Wong and Dou Wei got closer, there was a rumor that she and the entire band often met up in those days. One time, Dou Wei was going to buy something and Faye Wong followed him but the two did not come back.

Whether this is true or not, I am afraid that only the parties themselves will know.

No matter what, it can be seen that Faye Wong is very proactive with her feelings. She takes the initiative to pursue the career she likes and takes the initiative to approach the people she likes. She never passively waits.

Many people feel that Faye Wong's life is carefree and easy. This is probably because she chooses every part of her life on her own initiative. No matter what the outcome is, there will be no regrets. Her life is fully lived and experienced, so there is real freedom. And those who are passive or hesitant miss the right to choose and will have so much reluctance and resentment.

In the winter of 1991, Dou Wei left Black Panther and cut his long hair. At that time, the band's popularity was at an all-time high and everyone did not understand. But this decision had something to do with Faye Wong. After forming a new band, Dou Wei asked Jessica Jiang to come watch his performance. But when Jessica arrived at the scene, everyone else was there, only Dou Wei was missing.

Finally, Jessica found Dou Wei and Faye Wong at a hotel.

"I found him and he was in the bathroom in her room. He had obviously just taken a shower and I noticed that his hair was wet -  that was the last thing I wanted to see."

As Jessica rushed into the hotel room, the security called the police, and the three were taken to the police station. Because of her Hong Kong identity, Faye Wong was released first while Jessica and Dou Wei were detained overnight. Early the next morning, the two left the police station, walking one after the other. Dou Wei began to walk faster and faster and then ran. Just like that, he disappeared from Jessica's eyes.

Jessica Jiang wrote in her book:

"To be honest, I did hate her [Faye] at the time. But after many years, I began to understand - there is no right or wrong in love. We have all seen the beauty that exists in someone. We all desire to share a life with him. So who is wrong?"

There is no right or wrong in love. But a relationship between three people does bring pain to each other.

Dou Wei once asked Jessica very seriously, "If I stop making music and just open a small grocery store at the entrance of the hutong, or become a music teacher at the primary school, will you still love me? Will you be happy with me?"

Of course, Dou Wei did not give up music, nor did he stop his relations with the two women.

One afternoon, Dou Wei's grandmother, younger sister and Jessica were making dumplings. Dou Wei answered the phone and went out. When he returned home, he was dragging a suitcase in his hand and was followed by Faye Wong.

The three of them sat at one table, eating and chatting together until late at night. In Jessica's memories, Dou Wei said this:

"I know you love me and I love you. But to be honest, I don’t think this [situation] is contradictory. I can give you everything you want from me, so I really don’t understand why we make ourselves suffer. I have never dared to say these words and kept them in my heart because I was also asking myself - is it normal to think this way? Is it right? I have not overthrown myself and forced myself to make a choice. But my conscience is always disturbed..."

The three fell silent and politely added water to each other’s cups. Faye Wong asked Jessica, "Do you think he loves you?" Jessica said, "If he didn't love me, why are we together?" Faye Wong said, "But he told me the same."

This three-person love line lasted for awhile. Whenever Faye Wong returned to Beijing, Dou Wei went to Faye Wong. When Faye Wong returned to Hong Kong, Dou Wei went to Jessica.

At that time, Faye Wong was already very popular and became a superstar. The photo of Faye Wong coming out of the toilet in her pajamas one morning was taken by paparazzi and the public was in an uproar.

Faye Wong truly loved Dou Wei and the love was very painful and persistent. Her own lyrics in the song "No Regrets" may be an accurate expression of her state of mind at the time: "This time I resolutely confront / I rashly allow myself to become enraptured / I don't care whether this is right or wrong / Even if it is a dangerous trap, I won't care about anything else / Even when it comes to love, I'll love without regrets”.

In 1996, Faye Wong got pregnant by accident and the two got married.

Dou Wei's mentality at the time was probably a bit helpless. At their dinner banquet, Dou Wei hesitantly said to Faye Wong, "Actually, I’m not a good man. You have to think about whether to marry me or not."

Upon hearing this, Faye Wong's friends became angry and her manager Katie Chan immediately hit the table, "What do you want? Are you marrying her or not?"

Dou Jingtong was born in 1997. The stable, seemingly perfect marriage that was finally attained only lasted a little over two years before it came to an end.

Later, Dou Wei publicly stated that he suspected that it was a conspiracy when Faye Wong married him. He blamed Faye Wong for putting too much emphasis on her career and disregarding the family. Buying him a car and house corrupted his will, consumed his creative talents, and almost ruined him in music.

But the real reason for the divorce was the existence of another woman, Gao Yuan.

In early March of 1999, Faye Wong held a concert in Tokyo. Dou Wei appeared at the after-party. However, the atmosphere between the two was obviously off. Not only did they sit separately from each other without any communication, but Faye Wong also seemed very down. It was not until Dou Wei left that she became lively.

The reporters immediately sensed something was wrong in their marriage.

Faye Wong's team tried to clarify the rumors until one day Dou Wei brought Gao Yuan to an event and said to the media openly, "She is Gao Yuan, my lover."

Gao Yuan is a photographer and met Dou Wei when she took photos for his band.

According to her, they met in 1994 and have been together since so she was not a third party in Faye and Dou Wei’s marriage .

At that time, Faye had a glimmer of hope for Dou Wei. She once said, “Everyone makes mistakes. If there’s an affair, I must first know under what circumstances the other party made the mistake. If there is no intention to give up the family, I will be forgiving at my discretion. If he likes the other person and will not look back, then I will give up fighting and I won't force it anymore."

As a matter of fact, doesn’t the one who has been let down have a right to choose? Talking about forgiveness is self-deception. Unfaithfulness will never be truly forgiven. There will always be a gap between the two people, reminding you of the existence of betrayal and the collapse of trust all the time.

After seeing Dou Wei with Gao Yuan, the "battle" was too late. Faye Wong made up her mind and chose to end this marriage. That year, she was just 30 years old.

A few years later, Dou Wei married Gao Yuan but their marriage did not last long and ended in divorce. Perhaps people like Dou Wei are not suitable for marriage.

I don’t know if their story paints them as "jerks", so I hesitated when writing about them. Now that I have written about them, I will say a few more words - aside from moral judgments, I can actually understand that artists, especially when they are young, need high-stimulation and fresh emotional experiences to enrich their perception and artistic life.  It is precisely because they are such highly sensitive and highly passionate people that they have moved towards the fate of creativity.

Of course, those entanglements and betrayals in the relationship must be painful when they experience it. But Faye Wong makes me admire her:

She has never regarded the end of her marriage as a failure in her life. She has never used her child to sell an image of a miserable mother to win sympathy from the public.

Dou Wei's influence on Faye Wong's music is obvious.

I really like Faye Wong's album "Fuzao", which has a strong color of Dou Wei. I particularly like the song "Impermanence”. The lyrics were written by Faye Wong and arranged by Dou Wei. The whole song has a far-reaching artistic conception and it seems to be pondering subtle feelings with a Buddhist flavor. Impermanence, like their love that was once so fierce, burning brilliantly and recklessly had soon disappeared. Another song I like is called "Fracture":  innocently smiling, see through everything, exhausted of love, don’t disdain anything. The first time I heard this song it hit me deeply.

On the other hand, I also like Jessica Jiang's music very much. She has a more carefree and casual personality. She did not have a strong desire to pursue pop success. She was always regarded as relatively indie. My feeling is that she sang with all her life emotions, not her skills.

She has a song called "I'm Not a Random Flower" that I really like.

Jessica Jiang married drummer Zhang Yongguang in 2003; he died of depression in 2014.

Faye Wong fell in love with Nicholas Tse after her divorce, then married Li Yapeng in 2005 and divorced him in 2013. She reunited with Nicholas Tse in 2014. Of course, that is a whole other story.

------------------------------------------------------------------  

SOURCE: THE PAPER // TRANSLATED BY: FAYE WONG FUZAO

#2020

[80s-roger]

affair: Dad!Roger x Fem!Reader

summary: you’re roger’s wife for five years and the last two, you hear tones of rumours about him cheating on you while on tour. you abjure all these rumours because you’re blindly in love with him. however after a huge fight, everything comes to the surface.

warnings: arguement, domestic violence tb

portray: late 80s!Rog, Dad!Rog,36yrs!FemReader

words: 2,450

masterlist

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Their last tour was coming to an end and Queen would be back in UK to begin writing their new album, The Miracle. You missed Roger so much, words couldn’t describe the feeling. You and your three year old daughter, Audrey would sit home at the evenings drawing and reading stories while your husband was out there having the crowd on his feet. 

There were countless times, seeing at the gossip newspaper photos of your man, close to young females while on tour but you refused to believe the worse; him cheating on you. You had to believe it wasn’t true. Just the press trying to upset your family life. You talked with Roger many times on phone about it and he denied it. You had to believe him but deep inside you were sick with the rumors. It was constantly upsetting you. 

This afternoon he was coming home. You asked though, if he wanted you to appear with your toddler daughter at Heathrow but he politely refused saying: “No love, you don’t have to come such a long way.” If he truly missed you, he’d be like yes, are you kidding? and that got you suspicious, starting to believe what the press was saying.

The front door opened up and your husband came home after four months with his suitcases at his hands. Audrey, ran to him happy, “Daddy! Missed you!” she wanted to hug him so bad, that the suitcases fell from his hands and pulled her into his big arms.

“My baby, I missed you too!” he tearfully said to her, rubbing her tiny back. You were standing at the living room watching this tender mercy between these two, smiling at your daughter’s actions. “Let me give you a present.” he gently pulled her off his arms and walked inside with his suitcases.

“What is it, papa?” she was eagerly jumping, dying to receive her present.

“Wait!” he smiled at her and opened the luggage to give her the gift. “Close your eyes, Audrey!” He teased her and she did as she was told but as a toddler, she had a gap between her fingers, trying to see. “Don’t cheat!” he admolished her and she closed her eyes, without cheating. Cheating. The irony… You soured at his last words. He didn’t notice your presence so far. More evidence he was not interested in you. “Look!” He excitedly said to his daughter and the gift was a barbie dreamhouse. Audrey lost it at the sight of a dollhouse.

“Wow!” she gasped in shock.

“Woah, how did you fit it in the luggage?” You laughed at her reaction.

“It doesn’t matter, I had to get rid of some things so I could put it inside the luggage.” He smiled at you and then turned his gaze at your daughter. “For my little princess.” he added.

“Thanks papa!” She hugged him tight and Roger was in awe. “I like spoiling my little only daughter!” He hugged her. “Let me help you set it up at your room.” He gently grabbed the box and they both went upstairs to assemble the dollhouse. You did nothing, by then. Starring outside the window and waiting for Roger to finally come at the living room and talk with you. You wanted to know.

“Ah, you can’t imagine how happy she is upstairs with her new toy!” He happily said coming close to you.

“Good.” You nodded your head but your voice sounded raw.

“Hey what’s wrong?” He calmly said and touched your waist with his palm. At the feeling of him touching you, you distanced yourself from him. “Don’t touch me.” You looked at him with disgust.

“What’s happening Y/N?” He looked at you confused.

“Are you asking me?” You intensely asked.

“Who should I ask?” He ironically answered.

“Are you cheating on me?” You went straight to the topic. His face changed, from happy to terror.

“What are you talking about? Of course not.” He denied and came closer to you, attempting to caress your cheek but you avoided his touch.

“I don’t believe you.” You vertically answered. “You didn’t even attempt kissing me or saying I missed you .” you were heart broken.

“Alright is that what you want? Okay, fine.” he rolled his eyes and stole a kiss from you. But you fell nothing. You didn’t feel the love you used to receive.

“Oh yeah? And that was your duty? Just an asked kiss? No, Roger.” You walked away from him, fidgeting in the entire room.

“Do you really think I cheat on you?” He asked trying to show his innocence. You exhaled and you didn’t have the time to batch the situation. “I read rumours from the newspapers. You’re always seen with women at the photos, like… Really close.” You stuttered, trying to hide the lump in your throat. Υοu looked at him in despair.

“You shouldn’t read the press love.” He hugged you tight. “It does nothing but keep you preoccupied.” You had to believe what he was saying. You were madly in love with him. But you couldn’t stay normal. His publicity had you upset all the time.

“You don’t give me any reason to doubt… I kind of believe you are not loyal to me.” You were really skeptical.

“I am loyal to you…” He cupped with his big palms your face, starring you in the eyes. He does that to hit you right to the feelings. “Don’t even doubt how much I love you.” He refused all these rumours straight to your face. “Okay?” he gently asked caressing your cheek. You were nearly in tears.

“Okay…” You whimpered and hugged him tight, indicating how much you love him. You heard him exhaling while his hand twisted around your hair. “But did you think of me when you were abroad?” You insecurely asked.

“Every single moment.” He smiled at you.

It was night already, you checked on Audrey. She was still playing with the workhouse her papa got. She was all laughs and dialogues with her dolls. She couldn’t speak syntactically right but yet, it was so adorable.

“Baby, you have to sleep now… It’s already ten o’ clock…” You leaned down at her, pulling her away from her dolls and she got grumpy. She’s so daddy’s girl. He’s spoiling her.

“But mama, I want to play.” She pointed at the dollhouse.

“Tomorrow’s another day, you can do that when you wake up.” You caressed her.

“Okay…” She stared at the blue carpet and you pulled her in your arms, taking her to the bathroom for a night’s bath.

You got her all fresh and clean, wore her pyjamas and laid her in her warm comfy bed. You told her a bed time story and she finally slept like an angel. You opened a low light in which she can sleep without crying and closed the door, leaving her to dream.

As you got to the bedroom, you saw Roger, laying in bed with papers at his feet, still wearing his clothes. He already started song writing and the new era didn’t even start for Queen.

“Did she sleep?” He asked checking on you as you undressed, revealing your untouched by him body. But he didn’t react.

“Yes, she was still playing with the dollhouse.” You giggled and wore your nighty with slow moves, hoping for Roger to stop you from doing it. But he didn’t. You were losing hopes for this marriage. The feeling of him cheating on you grew inside. “So what are you doing?” You asked as you laid next to him, watching the papers.

“Brainstorming.” he didn’t even stop what he was doing just to show some interest in you.

“Oh I have an idea, maybe it will drive you to write some cool songs.” You were ready to throw some shade.

“Mhm? What is it?” He asked uninterested.

“Affair… All the world’s gonna know about it. Um, headlines, hard times…” You shrugged nonchalantly. His eyes were wide opened as you said the words.

“Was this a hint or something?” He asked annoyed.

“No it was shade.” You angrily said, believing again the cheating rumours eating you alive.

“Will you ever stop believing the rumours?” he stood up from bed.

“Not when I see you flirting with chicks, Roger!” You finally gathered the strength to call him out.

“I am a married father! How can I flirt with chicks!” He said back at the same tone as you.

“Oh! Now you remembered you’re a husband and a father!” You got out of bed ready to fight.

“Stop the bullshit Y/N!!” He barked. You were afraid Audrey would wake up.

“I know how uncontrollable you can be when you see other females walking around you! I know you fucked girls out there!” You fumed in anger, pointing him out.

“Shut the fuck up! You have no proof and you can’t blame me when I’m not guilty!” He lied. You knew he lied. You were just turning a blind eye all this time.

“I know you didn’t miss me! You didn’t even greet me when you got home! You didn’t say a single I love you on the phone! Hopefully you remembered there’s a kid between us!” The argument was getting really bad. You got face to face saying stuff to each other.

“I didn’t miss you because all you do is complain, you ungrateful bitch!”, he yelled at you but you had to gather all your power to react.

“You’re cheating on me, dishonest and deceitful asshole! You’re acting all this time in front of my face!” You pushed him back but as the tense was getting harder, you were afraid he’d raise a hand on you. He never did but your childhood was based on domestic violence…

“Prove it!” He shouted.

“You want me to prove it?” You bargained and he aggressively nodded. You ran towards the phone and he looked at you shocked. “I’ll just call one of your band mates and you’re dead!” You threatened.

“Put the phone down! You think they have the time to hear you complaining?” He aggressively grabbed the phone from your hands and you exited the bedroom, going downstairs to call from there. He was still behind you, running to stop you. He seemed guilty by his actions.

As you were both in the living room, you were arguing loudly. Audrey could be awake. You wished she wouldn’t hear a thing. She doesn’t deserve being unhappy. She should not know her dad’s a cheater.

“I was off your annoying voice for these four months and here I am again hearing you saying shit! You’re louder than my drums!” He shouted.

“And you’re filthier than I thought! You had me bringing up our child while you were out there banging whores after concerts instead of just doing your job!” You barked and thankfully, not a single tear fell off.

“You’re crazy, you’re making up scenarios… You’re pathetic!” He yelled at you again.

“You know how much I wanted this child and what we went through to bring it in this world and instead of being a loving husband all you do is ignoring me and spoiling your kid!” your voice was trembling and he noticed it but instead of stopping it right there he decided to snap.

“I know why you’re acting like this and you want me to say stuff, don’t you?” He stated but his tone, descended.

“Yes, fucking say it. Don’t play with my nerves.” You were desperate to know.

“I cheated on you.” His voice was all natural and he didn’t seem to feel sorry about it. You knew your heart was ripped in million pieces. You wanted to cry your heart out. “Is this what you wanted to hear?” He was satisfied.

“How long?” You wanted to know the truth. You were drowning inside.

“Two years.” he looked at you in the eyes but didn’t apologise.

“Why… We were happy…” You teared. You were so broken…

“I wasn’t happy. I love Audrey with my entire heart but there was something in me that didn’t complete me.” You both sat at opposite couches.

“You found out you don’t love me. It was all on surface for you. I struggled to carry a child and now all you do is hitting me where I hurt.” Your eyes were red from the pressure. You had to restrain your burst.

“You struggled to find love y/n, not to carry a baby. You just wanted a baby to feel the love you didn’t receive at her age. You wanted a baby and a husband. Guess you got the baby…” he exhaled after hitting you with all your insecurities.

“Why are you doing this?” You asked and you finally started crying. He couldn’t stand seeing you this way by now, he didn’t bother.

“I’m sorry, but we need to divorce. Don’t worry about Audrey. I’ll take care for her. I love her.” he protested.

“Are you doing me a favour right now?” You barked at him.

“No I’m taking care of our child. I don’t love you, not Audrey.” he defended himself.

“So you were really cheating on me all this time. And I tried to ignore all these rumours.” You shook your head disappointed.

“If truth hurts, ignoring it will hurt worse.” he stood up going close to the door.

“So are you going to meet your affair?” You ironically asked, pulling away your tears. He said nothing. His silence was your answer. “Have fun, asshole.” You were really angry but he didn’t say a word. “See you at the court.” You closed the door behind him and walked upstairs again and checked on Audrey. She was crying. She heard you two arguing.

“Mommy, why were you fighting with papa?” She asked when you pulled her tears off her light skin.

“It’s nothing. We were just arguing. It’s normal for mama and papa to fight from time to time.” Not this time. It was temporary. You wouldn’t see him with love anymore. He would be your ex husband by now.

“Oh…” She thought about it for a second. “Where is he now?” She asked, searching for his figure, out of her door.

“He said he would sleep to uncle Deacy until I would not be angry anymore.” You carried all the weight so she wouldn’t change the opinion she already had for her father.

“Will you sleep with me then?” She smiled and you accepted, laying next to her, pulling her in your arms and she closed her eyes as she felt your heart beat going back to normal.

It would be the two of you now…

#roger taylor #roger taylor x y/n #roger taylor smut #roger taylor x reader #ben hardy #ben hardy x y/n #ben hardy x female reader #queen #queen band #borhap #bohemian rhapsody #freddie mercury #rami malek #brian may #gwilym lee #joe mazzello #john deacon #one shots #roger taylor x female reader

[adevotedappraisal]

The Carter Trilogy, part three of five

4:44: And you stare blankly into space, thinking about all the time you wasted on all this basic shit

During Fade to Black, the documentary following Jay Zs 2003 farewell performance for a short-lived retirement from rap, this curious thing happens. Between the setups for the performance at Madison Square Garden, and Jay traversing the country to nest with hit producer after producer, a scene appears of Jay, presumably at his Roc-a-Fella records headquarters, asking, actually beseeching, the motley crew of executives, rappers and goons to prod him to talk about the negative effects of drugs and guns in a song, being that he had glamourized them over the course of six or so albums by that point. No resolution to change course was made at that meeting, but the look of Jay Z in that scene was riveting.  He looked like a man that wanted some kind, aged woman to hold his face in her hands and tell him to follow his heart.  Instead he was surrounded by men only concerned with the bottom line, men he personally chose.  “If that’s what they want to hear, then they buy it,” one says.

Then, there’s a moment on the album he traversed the country for, 2003s The Black Album, on the song “Moment of Clarity,” where he says the lines “truthfully I’d rather rhyme like Common Sense, but I did five mil, and I ain’t rhyme like Common since,” once again exposing some type of urge to, I don’t know, tell the world the tumbling and uncovered things washing around in his soul that sounded like the hot whiskey that sloshed around in Nina Simone’s voice, or like Un’s voice that night he was stabbed, or like that trembling awe in Donny Hathaway’s voice when he let go and sang about being free, or that sounded like his wife’s flat voice as she stared blankly into space over the phone.  Well that urge, that curiosity, to step outside of the celebrity version that one constructs to present to the world, is found on 4:44.

A stark, bracing look at the life of Shawn Carter, rife with intimacy and triumph are found across these songs, some which show a Jay Z in charge, advising and boasting, and another set of songs that deconstruct the myth of the Rap star at the same time.  

Opener “Kill Jay Z” is a series of clear-eyed, accusatory, second person couplets over a panicked muffle of a beat.  Confessionals and invective pushed together into lines, not only in the famous Kanye “20 mill” line but also in “you stabbed Un over some records, your excuse was he was talking too reckless,” and “you got people you love you sold drugs to, you got high on the life, that shit drugged you.”  It’s the type of shit men say into the shower in tortured litanies the afternoon after a late night bender, a shocking look at a man without his crown coming to terms with himself. The lines come off as strips of ego, revealing a man as used to failing as he is to winning.

Then there is the centerpiece and title track, which along with Cardi Bs “Bodak Yellow,” was one of the best songs a New York rapper released that year, a track that marries captivating lyrics over an equally striking beat.  

He uses his voice in subtle ways now, to express shaded emotions, like in “Adnis,” from the set of throwaways-for-a-reason extra CD tracks, where he confesses about his father “you couldn’t kick the habit, wished you had said something,” and over that whinnying vocal sample and those somber piano chords I try to imagine the advice a drug dealer might give to a parent that uses, the karmic kindness he might have met him with.

And on “Legacy” he is limber and reflective, on a coolly lazy chop of some drums and that Donnie Hathaway voice sample I told you about, sounding like Train of Thought-era Talib Kweli.  Rapping again about his father, or Father, he says, “I studied muslims, bhuddas and Christians, I was running from him, but he was giving me wisdom.”  

First the beat, a joyous chop of some modern Blue Eyed soul from Britain, the swooping runs and hot yelps of the singer swirling into a deep groove, a masterful manufacturing of voice and instrumental bombast that recalls the great beats of J Dilla’s rhythmic juggling of Luther Vandross’ voice in “Airworks,” and Just Blaze’s arresting rendering of Gladys Knights voice on Freeway’s “When They Remember.”  The song, and all production here, is handled by Chicago producer No I.D.  

He came up producing the first three Common albums with the same multi-bar looping of sounds, with the Common songs focusing on the bassline and guitar of jazz and funk records.  But with Jay, his beats has its main characteristics coming from the chopping of the piano, the voice and the soft harmonies of Soul songs, and this song it is said, was done after No I.D. sent him the beat and song to listen to, with Jay listening and then later waking at the titular time to compose and spew his guts out about his marriage and behavior.  

Now whether that story is true, or whether it is true for marketing purposes, is immaterial, because the truth and the purported truth both resulted in this resolute, unflinched honesty, these lyrics cutting into not only the mirrored scales of celebrity drama, but into the dermis and flesh of relationships themselves. “I said ‘don’t embarrass me’ instead of ‘be mine,’ that was my proposal for us to go steady,” he says, the admission of a man on top of the Rap world at the start of the millenium, from when he was cocksure and unsure at the same time.  

Later, he talks of stillborns, then threesomes and then there is the crushing observation “your eyes leave with the soul that your body once housed,” and then he ends a verse with the prayer of husbands in the quote “I stew over, what if, you over, my shit?”

This is an examination of the parts of a man when he was broken and flailing for control, the myth deflated into an approachable Clark Kent of a rapper, and broken down even more until the mask goes away, until the acknowledgement that Santa Claus is fake, until what results is an aesthetic of honesty, a veteran giving a seamless performance of realness.

There of course is still Jay’s expected brand of braggadocio, the songs that make up the mythical Jay, and that creates the tension of this album. “Smile” finds Jay and his mother rising above their adversaries of career and sexuality over a sweet sampling of a Stevie Wonder classic. “Aw you thought I was washed/ I’m at the cleaners, laundering dirty money, like the teamsters,” he boasts. There’s “Bam” with Junior Gong, where he is at his most alert and violent, surrounded by an angelic cloud of Sister Nancys echoing through the reggae strut.  With “Marcy Me,” the rapper is at the top of his powers, each line filled with double entendres and agile flows, the song resonant and dense enough to be the type of track found on a late-nineties DJ Clue tape, and then it starts slowing down and expanding into an epic sprawl, the voices of yesteryear stretched, echoed.

This look at the man behind the throne is what gives a lot of 4:44 its social and emotional push forward.  As time has passed though, we see that the album that came with building-spanning pomp and mysterious advertisements, is in reality an insular record, with wisened words cosseted in beats with warm, swirling harmonies.   What the Brooklyn, N.Y. rapper manages to do is produce a solid album, not about relishing in cash, money and hoes, but about a life in the wake of those excesses, and about the barbed reckoning in the heart of marriages necessary for them to beat again.  I don’t think Jay is haunted by his searching questions from that moment in the documentary.  And I don’t think he gets up at four-something in the morning anymore either.

But there’s something that stops me from just calling 4:44 a new classic and an epic comeback like others did upon release.  It’s just that, well, I wish this album swung for the fences more. There’s a ton of great album tracks dealing with the knotted distemper of love and of life, but only “4:44” and “Marcy Me” even try to whip any of this up into a frenzy, and I think that is because other than the tangled root of Frank Ocean in “Caught in Their Eyes” and the thick chants of “Bam,” there isn’t much in the way of choruses here.

There is a hermetic groove here, the songs that Jay picked for NoI.D. to chop up included a number of warm Soul records from the seventies. The songs are turned inward most lines, causing him to employ more relaxed tones in his voice, like his drugged, mocking confessions on the foggy “Moonlight.” This works well for some songs to play after some fine Common or Talib Kweli joints, but Jay Z, and his voice, are at their best when they are on top of the world, not coiled and engaging in self-flagellation.

#music review #essay #jay z #444 #rap #hip-hop #Common #thecartertrilogy #Long Read #black creatives

[maih-em]

who am i tag

i was tagged by @fitzrove - thank you!!! :)

Name: Emma (a nice and generic one!)

Nicknames: Honestly don’t think I have one? My family occasionally call me Em but not a lot. I spent my whole childhood bitter that my name wasn’t very nickname friendly.

Zodiac: Gemini (but I’m kind of on the cusp of Cancer so it depends on what website you look at, I think. I always say Gemini though.)

Height: Literally bang on 5ft I’m so small

Languages: English. Also, I’ve done 7 years of Spanish in school so I’d like to think I’m semi-fluent (but my Spanish teacher would probably say different)

Nationality: British

Favourite season: SPRING. Like I love autumn for the aesthetic and summer because it’s holiday time, but spring is just so PRETTY. There’s something so lovely in realising suddenly that the air just feels different and that winter is giving way to spring. I love a good crisp spring afternoon when you don’t need a coat, but it isn’t too hot to wear one if you want to.

Favourite flower: I don’t really know a lot of flowers but orchids are so beautiful (but I find the concept of growing them very intimidating – my mum’s are constantly thriving and I don’t think I can ever live up to it)

Favourite scent: Just classic things like fresh cut grass, rain when it hasn’t rained for ages. I also love the smell of tomato stalks & also coffee (but this is a very Different vibe and depends on my mood)

Favourite fictional character: Well I have to say Morse (mainly Endeavour era but I’m slowly working my way through the original Inspector Morse series) & obviously Peter Jakes (my son). I haven’t finished watching the Witcher yet but Jaskier is such an icon! Other favourites include Dirk Gently (in the BBC America series) and Richard MacDuff (in the older BBC Dirk Gently series) 10th & 13th Doctors, Ollie from the Thick of It, and Fleabag!!

Coffee, hot tea, or hot chocolate: Tea 100%. I’m not a huge fan of hot chocolate – I find it too sickly even though I have the sweetest tooth known to man (I generally just eat the cream and marshmallows off the top and then immediately get fed up with it). Coffee I’ll have occasionally but nothing beats a good cup of tea. I have mine black and really weak (it’s basically just water to be honest) and sometimes I’ll but a little bit of sugar in it. And I love an Earl Grey if I’m feeling fancy!

Average sleep: When I don’t have to get up for college I’ll literally sleep until like 10 or 11 am, but that’s normally because I go to bed really late (recently I’ve struggled to go to bed before 1 because it feels like more effort to go to sleep than it is to stay up on my laptop). Generally I get a minimum of 7 hours.

Dogs or cats: cats all the way. I’ve not ever had pets and see very few animals in my day to day life, but dogs just intimidate me idk. I only like small breeds but even then, it’s a fine line. Cats, on the other hand, though I see a depressingly small number of cats and get to pet even fewer, are PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

Number of blankets: 1

Dream trip: Probably going back to Iceland because I love it there, or to various mainland European cities like Amsterdam, Berlin etc.

Blog established: about April 2019 I think?? I’d just watched Icarus and was desperately looking for George Fancy content because I was crying too much to sleep. Only actively started using it around the summer because I had managed to lock myself out of the account because my browser fucked up so I couldn’t log in with an autosaved password and I have far too many emails/passwords/lost Tumblr accounts that finding it was almost hopeless. I swear every email I could think of ever having logged me into yet another discarded Tumblr that I’d made at some point between 2015 and 2017 and never used again.

Random fact: uhh I have no idea what to say for this I’m so boring. Literally all I can think of right now is that I see pain kind of as shapes? Idk how to explain that u can do with that information what you will.

Gender: female

Current time: 8:55pm

Favourite artists: Hozier, Ashnikko, Pulp, idkhow, sundara karma and probably millions more.

Stuck in my head: Say So by Doja Cat because it keeps coming up as an ad on Youtube and Instagram.

Last movie I saw: I watch films so rarely that I genuinely don’t know I’m having to try so hard to remember literally any films I’ve watched in the past year ugh. I think it was Maurice at some point between October and December but late 2019 has all merged into one for me so I have no clue what.

Last thing I Googled: what the dates were for being a Gemini or Cancer for one of the earlier questions.

Other blogs: none that I use- if I were to try and find every Tumblr that I’ve ever had we would literally be here all day.

Do I get asks: Not really, I did an ask challenge recently only to learn that you had to enable asks to receive them on Tumblr, so that gives an idea of how good I am with technology oops. I’d love to answer any u guys have though!

Reason for URL: This is just the name of my a03 account. Honest to god I was making my a03 account in like 2018. because I had a fic I wanted to post and I was like hmmm, I need a funky username oh god I’m so bad at usernames and this was literally the first collection of words that came into my head. They mean absolutely nothing.

Followers/following: 27 followers, I’m following 41

Lucky number: I wouldn’t say I have a lucky number, but my favourite number is 4

Currently wearing: PJs, which was a mistake because it’s making it very hard to motivate myself to get up and have a well-needed shower.

Dream job: Idk I’ve always liked the idea of being a teacher but other than that I have absolutely no idea.

Favourite foods: Oh god this is so hard to pick. Redcurrants, minestrone soup, feta, kale, wraps, I could go on infinitely.

Instruments: I’ve owned a guitar for years and yet can only play a very small range of chords quite badly. I’m a little better at ukulele mainly because it’s a better size for my tiny hands. I play a little bit of piano, but I don’t practice as much as I’d like because I don’t like doing it when other people are around idk.

Favourite song: it changes all the time but currently Sour Times by the Civil Wars (which I found on @bryndeavour ’s ‘falling in a chain reaction’ playlist which I’ve been listening to almost exclusively for an entire week.) Also probably Damn it all by The Staves, working bitch by ashnikko, coconut skins by damien rice, that’s all i can think of right now

I’m sure most people have been tagged already but if anyone who hasn’t would like a go, consider this me tagging you!

#tag meme #these things really bring out my inability to stop talking #this is so long i got carried away