#and for me personally it’s always worse when my mental problems are being triggered by an outside force because that means I have no way of

[oneknightlight]

I’m struggling incredibly hard to stay awake and do things today but I’m doing it! So far I’ve done a load of laundry, ate breakfast and lunch, took all my meds, drank a bottle and a half of water, took care of my plants, and watched some markiplier. We’re fighting the fight man

#this week has been TRYING me and for reasons I have little to no control over #and for me personally it’s always worse when my mental problems are being triggered by an outside force because that means I have no way of #limiting or erasing it all I can do it cope with it #it’s been hard #but I’ve only had one breakdown and I drug myself out of it all on my own so yanno #eat ass touch grass drive fast #or whatever they say

[angelskills]

Dealing with trauma . . .

characters: Toji, Shiu, Kamo clan, you

warnings: HEAVY angst, fluff, slight smut, trauma, mental abuse(Kamo clan), etc

a/n: Thank you so much for the 140+ notes on my last post! that's the most I've gotten. btw it took me 4 hours to make this, and please don't read this if you get triggered easily lol. I have always imagined Toji like this and hopefully, it matches, anyways, add me on Discord, tun2xi

You and Toji have been in a relationship for almost 1 and a half years now. You guys trust each other a lot and love each other so much. But, one thing, you guys lacked communication.

Of course, you were there for Toji whenever he was having a hard time, but you never thought about telling him about your own problems.

You are from the Kamo clan, Kamo Y/N. You were a maid for them, nothing but a maid. Not a daughter, cousin, niece, sister, just a maid they called you. No words of affection did you receive from them, only degradation, maybe a simple praise from here and there but not that much.

You managed to successfully run away from the Kamo clan with the help of Toji, before that, you used to sneak out sometimes to see him, after you ran away, he offered to let you live with him as long as you got a job. It hadn't been long since you ran away.

One thing Toji never got you to talk about is how you felt, the trauma they left you, whenever you felt chills running down your spine when the Kamo clan was mentioned in front of you. Of course, whenever there are problems or fights between you and Toji, you guys sort it out, but yet the heavy feeling in your heart, begging to be let out, and you didn't know how.

Toji often checked up on you, "Are you okay, princess?" He would run his fingers down your cheeks, looking concerned. You would just nod and he would brush it off as if he was overthinking it. Now, you were always crying in the shower, throwing things around out of rage, resisting the urge to break everything whenever he left for work.

You picked up a job as a personal assistant for your boss temporarily, it went fine luckily! The boss for the same 'company' Toji worked at. You would attend meetings and the moment Kamo clan is mentioned, you shake up a little bit, catching Toji's attention.

You followed your boss into his office, seeing both Toji and Shiu there. You smile at Toji then turn your attention to your boss, reading out a paper, "Alright, there was a request from the Head of the Kamo clan..to assassinate..." His words slowly fade out as you realize who they are talking about. Why would the Kamo clan want an assassin from the same company you work at? Did they find you? Will they pull you back in? Will all those horrible moments repeat? Even worse since you ran away? What's gonna happen?! Will the head of the kamo clan show up here?! Will the happiness you struggled so hard to build up stumble on you?!

You started to panic, breathing heavily. Your boss, Shiu, and Toji noticed, damn, this is the last thing you wanted.

You put your clipboard with a bunch of papers and pen on the table behind you, "E-excuse me." You say immediately getting out of there, fast walking in your heels to the bathroom, then you notice Toji get out of the room too, running to you and grabbing your wrist, making you face him, "Y/N, what's wrong? Talk to me." He says, looking at you worried in the eyes.

That moment, right there and then, you wanted to tell him, babble out everything you have been feeling, you felt your heart beating faster, your throat getting choked from the unknown words being stored that you wanna say.

But you didn't. "I'm okay, Toji!" Okay. That sounded fake. "It's just, leg cramps from the heels."

He knew you were lying, "Y/N I know you're-" He got interrupted by his boss calling out for him. He kissed your forehead and ran back to his boss's office.

Your shift ends at 5pm today, unlike Toji since he has to assassinate somebody.

You take a cab back home since you don't have your own car yet. Once you got home, you rushed to your bed, jumping on it as the pain relieved from your back as you took your heels off, you drifted off to a deep sleep, not caring enough to change your clothes as you were so tired because your boss makes you work like a dog (the money is worth it though).

You wake up at 7 p.m., exactly when Toji usually comes back home. You got up to change into your pajamas, quickly going to the kitchen to heat up some Korean fishcakes, since you didn't feel like cooking today. As you sat on the couch, waiting for your lover to arrive, you sighed, thinking back to how you looked so dumb panicking over the Kamo clan being mentioned. After a while, Toji finally came back, and you ran to him to give him a hug.

As you guys sat at the dinner table, talking about the company as you absolutely gobbled down the fishcakes because you were so hungry.

As you guys got ready for bed, he mentioned the Kamo clan again, "The Head of that clan is really picky, took me a minute to find the guy they wanted dead." He laughed. Your body shivers a little bit, just the thought of the Head had you a bit scared, "I-is that so?" you stuttered as you finished washing your face, rubbing the water off your face with a towel.

After a moment of silence, he spits out, "Y/N, you're not telling me something. Talk to me, what's going on?" he said, holding your hand.

That's it, you want to say it so bad. Tears started flooding your eyes, You will have to say it anyway, whether you like it or not. You hugged him, sobbing. Finally, you said it.

"I'm scared, Toji..." You sobbed, "I'm s-scared that every time I walk out of the house, the Kamo clan's guards will see me and just drag me back in. I don't w-want to go back."

Toji wrapped his arms around you as you spoke, "T-they're horrible, fucking horrible. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. They did unspeakable things to me, I want them to fucking die. I want the whole clan destroyed, I want them to face what they did to me, and I just-"

His hands went up to your red cheeks and he caressed it, his fingers ran through your hair as he looked into your eyes, "Princess, you're safe. They don't know you are here, they can't find you." His hand presses onto your cheeks a little bit firmly, "And they're fucking terrible for what they did to you. I will kill them myself if I have to, and whatever they did to you, will never happen while you are with me."

His gaze on you softens as he wipes the tears from your face, pulling you into a tighter hug. You felt safe in his embrace, he made you feel loved, he made you feel confident about yourself, so many more things. You couldn't find the words on how to thank him.

then he got horny and you guys fucked while you were cuddling with him ><

#jujutsu kaisen #smut #toji smut #toji x reader #toji fluff #toji fic #toji fushiguro x reader #toji fushiguro x you #toji fushiguro #jjk fluff #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jjk x reader #jjk x you #jujutsu kaisen x you #jjk smut

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Fred Weasley x male! Reader - Fred Weasley is sure his family thinks his boyfriend is a lunatic

A/n: the reader lives in the usa, normally I wouldn't try and mention where the reader lives (I don't live in the us) but it felt better with this fic. Also we live for badass muggle readers, there will be many more to come!

Warnings: Swearing, fighting (physically), the reader having some mental health problems but it isn't touched upon further then you can read, I think that's it? You have been warned!

Summary: Being introduced to Fred's family as his muggle american boyfriend already makes you sound like some exotic animal to them. It probably won't help that you have another secret just waiting to come out...

The three P's:

[Pov: 2nd person] [Pronouns used: you/your, he/him] [Pairings: (romantic!) fred x reader, (platonic!) fred/reader x the order/weasley family, (mentioned romantic!) Hermione x ron, (mentioned parental! harry x sirius]

I do NOT support J. K. Rowling, or any transphobic/homophobic things she says (or anything she says really), or TERFS!

You stared up at the ceiling of the Grimwald place with your hands laid on to the sides without a care in the world, opposing the anxious feeling bubbling in your throat.

You closed your eyes as you heard the familiar whispers of the other members of the Weasley family and the "order" replaying in your mind; "A boyfriend, a muggle boyfriend? And an American!" You must have been something to gauk at.

They looked at you as if you were some strange enigma not a newly graduate from your public highschool that wasn't fancy, and no, did not have moving staircases.

Who the fuck would want staircases that moved and that someone could potentially fall down? It seemed like a major safety hazard to you. Though all of Hogwarts seemed like a violation of the welfare of children from all the bits that Fred had told you about, although you're sure your city was much worse.

Where you lived there was crime left and right, and so much of the police were corrupt that it was dangerous to walk at night without someone beside you in case you got jumped.

Damn it, you were not supposed to think about crime right now, because it would just make you more anxious and jumpy and it always sent your spider senses aloof. Yet all you could think about was your city, without it's hero - Spiderman, to protect it. You just prayed while you were away the villains decided to take a break too.

The door to your room opened and your body immediately stood up, triggering it's flight or fight response with your muscles tensing up and you mentally preparing yourself for a fight.

Only to see Fred Weasley, your boyfriend enter the room.

Holy hell, you really were going insane.

Letting out a sigh of relief you let yourself fall against Fred and let your head rest on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around you.

"Tired?"

"Hm."

"Was it my father asking relentless questions, or them thinking you were a friend, and me having to come out of the closet?"

You lift your head and smile lazily at his cheeky grin on his face as he teased you.

"Wouldn't you say wardrobe?"

Fred rolled his eyes. "You Americans always butchering our way of speaking, it's wardrobe, and no. Saying "coming out of the wardrobe" sounds absolutely ridiculous."

You laugh at him and close your eyes, you let your worries about being in England and leaving your city unprotected slowly ebb away with Fred's presence. He always had that affect on you, calming you, letting your mind settle down from the endless ways that people could be dying and how you could be failing to save them.

Not that he knew of course.

When Fred was trying out a new product for Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, he had accidentally gotten teleported to your house in America. Well it was your aunt's house at the time but that was besides the point.

It scared the ever living shit out of you, and you nearly thought he was a super villain with immense powers. No, it was just some stupid boy who had been mistakenly apparated to your residency and who couldn't get back because he didn't have his wand on him when he did.

"Freddie- or whatever your name is, I have a feeling you're not in England anymore."

After introducing you to magic, he was stayed at your place for three months, because you had no way to buy him a plane ticket to London, as you were barely scraping by as is. And someone would have to show him the terrors of an airport and how to navigate (that person being you) meaning you would need two tickets.

Eventually he found a witch who would apparate him back, although he was hesitant. He didn't want to leave you.

Reasoning with him that his family probably thought he was dead (also considering he did tell you there was a war with some dark wizard named Morty?) So he did, not before he confessed to you and decided he would come see you every weekend.

Then every weekend, became every other day and every other day became every day after work.

He was with you through everything and had told you things about himself his twin didn't even know, insecurities not meant for the cruel world. He was there for you when aunt may died, and when your best friend did too.

Yet you couldn't tell him your secret, that you were Spiderman. That you went out every night and saved people from getting hurt - or worse. Maybe more simply put that you were bitten by a radioactive spider that gave you superpowers (heighten senses, the ability to climb walls, webs, heightened intelligence, healing factor, spidey senses, super strength, super speed, super reflexes, superhuman durability, and immunity to wizard spells) and when your uncle died made you want to become a capped crusader without a cape that saved people?

Alright, perhaps that is a bit harder to explain.

Still you felt guilty that you hadn't told him, the two of you had been together for two years, he deserved to know.

"You alright there love?" Fred asked you as he ran a hand through your hair. "I seemed to have lost you there for a minute."

An American, muggle, boyfriend; man his family must have stared at you like a freak in a cage and you didn't notice.

"Fred I have to-"

You cut yourself off as your spidey sense started "tingling" more like blaring in your brain.

Quickly you pushed Fred to the left side of the room as a women in some weird sliver mask and black gown (that must not have been good for running after people in,) appeared out of some black smoke.

Emo much?

A spell whosed out of her wand as it hit the wall behind you two and you blankly wondered (not minding the danger) if she was in a cult.

It definitely wasn't one of yours that's for sure, usually they had better costumes.

"They've gotten passed our defenses!" A yell was heard from outside your secluded room and you couldn't be bothered to identify who it was before Fred casted some spell that made the women fall down straight like a board.

You could admire the irony in that.

Fred looked at you with confusion in his eyes. "How did you- It doesn't matter, you stay in here, okay? It's not safe out there."

Oh it was deatheaters, the people they were at war with. So you were right, it was a cult, to be fair it wasn't just any cult, it was the cult.

Fred quickly casts a spell under his breath over towards the lady now stiffed on the ground and closed to door on your face. As he locked it without even touching it.

You cursed, stupid magic, stupid people, stupid boyfriend, you had to get to them and help. You knew you could help because you were sure Wizards that hated anyone who wasn't "pure" and hated muggles didn't carry guns, making them incredibly useless. In addition to that wouldn't they not learn basic self defense because that would be below them or something?

So it would be mostly a saving-people-from-dying mission, you hated those.

"Because someone always ends up dying." A voice in the back of your mind speaks, way too happily when talking about death.

You slam the side of your body against the door as it flew off the hinges and you ran out to help the others. Whoops, hopefully you wouldn't have to pay for that.

You had the advantage of sneaking in, so you climbed up the walls so that you were sticking to the roof. It was strange climbing again in regular clothes, you usually did it in your spidey suit. It reminded you of when you were just starting out and freaking out about your powers, it nearly made you chuckle

Spotting Fred's twin - George (yes you could tell them apart it wasn't that hard) in a tough spot with two deatheaters cornering him you decided it was your time to jump into action before someone got hurt.

"Hey asshole!" You yelled at his perpetrators from the ceiling. "It's over, I have the high ground!"

Then you dropped from the ceiling on one of their faces.

The masked deatheater that you jumped on crumbled to the ground and hit their head on the floor and didn't make another noise. You didn't have time to check their pulse and make sure you didn't accidentally kill them as the other one sent a spell flying your way.

You giggled at their stunned expression when the spell did absolutely nothing to you.

"Ya, that isn't going to work buddy." You spoke confidentially before leaping towards them and punching them in the face.

"But may the force me with you!" You yelled as you threw your arm back to readying it for another punch.

You hit them just with the right amount of force, and just in the right place that they would get knocked out. You didn't want to do some brain damage or anything. You're sure there were some Wizard police or something that could take care of them, and they most likely would want to extract information from them too considering they were in war right now.

Okay two down, ten more to go? This is the best break ever!

Molly, Fred's mum was firing spell after spell at people, and didn't seem to need any help, and Sirius Black (escaped wrongly convicted?) was also just doing fine as he fought along side his godson. Harry Potter, the kid who the leader of the deatheater cult really wanted to kill because he couldn't kill a fucking baby. Although, he always waited at the end of the year to either try and kill him or apprehend him.

Well, at least Morty cared about the kid's education right?

You scanned your eyes around the room and they fell on Fred's youngest sister who was fighting along side Ron, and Hermione (who should really fuck already) and looked to be losing.

To be fair, three kids versus five adults? Didn't exactly seem fair to you.

You judo kicked one of them, before throat punching another, then knocking one on the jaw (you really hoped it wasn't broken,) while dodging some strikes coming your way.

"Here's Johnny!" You screamed.

Next you webbed the fourth cult member's arms and legs together, and finally you got the last one in a choke-hold cutting off their air supply before they fell to the ground on conscious.

You fought the remaining one off before having your short victory of them all being alive but unable to move or open their eyes.

"Bloody hell, I know, you're that superhero from America - Spiderman!" Ron exclaims.

Winking at him you let your spidey sense guide you to the next danger.

"I'm Batman." You grudge in your best Bruce Wayne impression possible before throwing your head back with laughter.

"Yes, it's Spiderman." You clarify, at their perplexed expressions and their wonderment of your sanity.

Suddenly your brain flared and you shot a web at Fred quicker than the speed of light and pulled him towards you with it as a spell that was bright green that sounded like "abracadabra" narrowly missed him.

You felt like you knew the spell, you feel like Fred had told you about it specifically- Oh. It was the killing curse.

That Bastard tried to murder your boyfriend.

Rage filled your veins that you hadn't felt since your uncle died, an old friend that come to greet you with a dagger in it's hands that had your name on it.

This was had to end now.

You took down the rest of the deatheaters swiftly even if the idiots had figured out you were immune to magic they were no match for you.

Then, some white light, smokey stuff came from out of nowhere and people stepped out of it. You almost go to attack them only to see that they didn't don the stupid all black gowns, nor the sliver cult masks with designs only children would call creepy.

Was this the rest of the order?

"The the fuck happened here." Some guy spoke with an mechanical eye, but not really mechanical eye? It just looked everywhere at any point? You were so confused honestly.

You're pretty sure the most emotion you've been feeling this entire time has been confusion.

"Sorry, did I step on your moment?" You question them with a toothy grin while your boyfriend marveled at you with a bright red blush covering his ears and cheeks.

"Merlin, that was so hot."

You throw your head back in laughter as George elbows Fred who continues to ogle at you.

"So you're not mad?" You ask him as your eyes flash with fear.

"Mad? Why would I be mad?" He chuckles and comes forward to wrap an arm around your waist.

"Well I kinda didn't tell you and you told me about your wizard thingy..." You trail off, as your hands fidget with each other.

"As much as this is sweet-" The man with mechanical the eye starts up with a grumble.

"No, no, I want to see how this will play out." A women with pink hair smirks.

"Were you going to tell me eventually?" Fred continues.

"Yes, why wouldn't I?"

"Exactly, you just had to tell me in your own time."

You gaped at the man in front of you, you couldn't believe that this wizard is yours.

"I love you so much!" You threw your arms around Fred's neck.

"Mate!" Ron piped up. "Fred's boyfriend just annihilated a bunch of deatheaters like they were flies! How is hugging him now?!"

Fred just ignores his brother as he places a kiss on your brow.

"I love you too, you crazy spider."

Bonus 1:

"I think my family is terrified of you now." Fred whispers in your ear as you glance over Ron who's shaking slightly as he leans over to Hermione and mutters something to her along the lines of; "He took down twelve deatheaters! Of course I'm scared!"

"That's what Ron's telling Hermione right now."

Fred stares at you, an astonished look appearing over his freckles.

"You can hear them, from here!"

"It's called super hearing babe."

"I know you, already explained your powers to me! But you willingly listened in on them!"

You bashfully turned your head. "I was just curious!"

"Who are you, and what have you done with Y/n!"

"You caught me! I'm Bond, James Bond."

Bonus 2:

"You know Morty and his deatheaters should really learn self defense." You state with your arms crossed around your chest. "I'm seriously concerned about their physical well beings!"

Fred looked over at you as his face split into a grin and his belly filled with uncontrollable laughter.

"Did you just call Voldemort, Morty!"

"That isn't his name?"

Words 2511

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Hp Taglist: @regulusblackswhorecrux

#harry potter #avengers #spiderman #spiderman reader #I have the high ground #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley x male! reader #delusion writes #harry potter x reader #hp #fuck jkr #trans rights #are human rights #fandom people not canon #star wars #reference #muggle reader #the weasleys #weasley #fred weasley #harry potter imagine #harry potter fanfiction #the order of phoniex #the order #reader thinks voldermort's name is morty #I laughed so hard while writing it #dc #I'm batman #batman #badass reader

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the asshole for asking my suicidal girlfriend not to vent with me? First ask here, be warned for heavy topics about the above situation. Putting an emoji for easy finding. 🦐

I am a polyamorous person (22nb) with my long distance girlfriend (22f) of about 1 year. I love her deeply, and we have known each other for a long time when I used to go to school in person with her. I also have an in person queer platonic partner (22nb) who lives with me currently and has been with me for about 3 years. Both of my partners are suicidal and self harm, though the partner who is living with me has luckily seemed to improve a lot through being able to spend time with someone who cares for them constantly. My girlfriend...sadly has not gotten the same chance, since she moved long before we got together and has only her family to keep her stable (who have proven before this point that they are pretty terrible support systems, when they actively encouraged her self harming to become worse).

Luckily, I have had this rodeo before due to a majority of my friends struggling with this sort of problem, and when she began saying things in my dms that pointed towards depression and suicidality, I was quick to try to help her get into therapy. Whether or not this therapist is really the best is sort of iffy, as the therapist hasn't worked with her on a lot despite over a month of them working together, so...she hasn't gotten much work towards helping to change things and has felt somewhat stuck. I know she needs to probably get a new therapist, but due to not having insurance at the moment it's not an easy situation to just change. Since things have not gotten to improve, she...has still felt horrible most days will come to me in DMs to tell me how bad it is. Which, you know, should be fine, but it's the *way* she talks about it-- it's in a very vent heavy, far too much triggering information, Everything Is Horrible and there is no way to fix it and I should Die, way.

I have learned boundaries in regards to my own mental health due to just how often I have encountered things, and luckily, my other partner is great about it! They don't talk about their issues with suicidality all that much which can make me worried at times, but when they *do*, it's very much a situation of them bringing up how they feel and then us moving forwards to do something distracting or something that will help them. Instead of an info dump of Horrible Information That Makes Me Fear For Their Life, it's just. Moving to make sure they're doing better and changing things, identifying why certain feelings are feeling bad. But with my girlfriend, these topics come on suddenly without warning, are spoken in such a way that I feel like 1. I can't move on or change anything to help 2. I don't have a way to respond that will end up doing anything but make her feel worse. I feel at a complete loss of how to handle these things that she's just throwing on me. I haven't mentioned yet to her how bad these ventings make me feel because I'm worried it would make her internalize it and worsen her issues, though I know I do probably need to communicate it with her. I feel that she may just not be quite as mature as my other partner in how to handle feelings like this yet(most likely due to lack of support systems), and I WANT her to be able to talk about her feelings. I'm her girlfriend, after all, a little bit of emotional labor is always going to be a part of supporting people that close to you. Just...not in a way that will end up ultimately making both me and her feel like shit, and get her in a worse direction than before.

She eventually will be moving in with us next year, and I am wondering if I should try to wait to talk about it until then when she has more of a support to lean against, or should I try to figure it out right now. Right now could leave her...hurt and much more vulnerable, which would be a real risk considering the scenario. Would I be the asshole for telling her that she needs to work on how she talks about these topics, and that I can't have her continuing to put her emotions on me like this?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw #self harm cw

[beevean]

I'm so happy that I get the chance to rant again, because the subreddit just gives me so much inspiration <3

I don't really care about Carmilla. She was, at the end of the day, a villain from a kid's cartoon, who wanted to conquer the world because she was just so eeeevil, with only the barest of backstories to pretend she had good motivations. In fact, it's hilarious to me that when you think about it, the N!Isaac vs. Carmilla epic fight, one of the climaxes of this show that has touted itself on being so deep and nuanced, has all the emotional depth of an average Sonic vs. Eggman boss battle: the impossibly cool superhero wants to stop the nefarious supervillain and her world domination plans.

(no shade to Sonic and Eggman, who are far better written than those two assholes could ever hope to be. you know what I mean)

yeah yeah she became what she depised, after a whole season of sitting on her feminist ass lol and then randomly going insane at the last minute. peak writing, as per usual.

No, it's as usual Lenore who has my attention.

She's the most human of the sisters, they say. And they're right. She is a terrifyingly realistic depiction of an abuser.

She's not a cackling madwoman who only serves as a caricature, and she doesn't exist only for shallow representation like Striga and Morana who have no objectives or personalities outside of each other. Lenore may not want world domination like Carmilla, but she absolutely longs for power over other people. I went about it here, how once you read between the lines, Lenore only wants to feel powerful and important, and she's willing to steep as low as she can to get her way because she folds like a coward the moment she doesn't have the upper hand. While Carmilla would just beat people for shit and giggles because look at how Evil (but in a Cool way) she is, Lenore is genuinely convinced that everything she did, all of her physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse, it was all for a good cause, and she did nothing wrong, and anyway you were enjoying it too so what's the issue?

So yes, in this, she's human. She's a cruel, cunning, vile human like many women in the world who know that they can use their charm and take advantage of emotionally starved men to feel powerful, all while still painting themselves as cute and lovable. Her vampiric nature doesn't come into play until the very end, where she realizes (in theory) that she's nothing but a disgusting evil creature and she's doomed to always be so; but until then, you could write her as a human and little would change in her personality and the way she played with N!Hector.

And that's what makes her scary to me. Yes, Dracula and Carmilla are more dangerous on a wider scale, but we are much, much more likely to fall into the trap of one of the many Lenores around the world.

(I usually don't like making it all about gender, but Lenore's abuse of N!Hector is absolutely gendered. Her entire character revolves around what I can only call toxic femininity.)

And that's why the takes I see about her deadass trigger me, because what the fuck do you mean, she's the less cruel of the bunch????

I don't give a shit about the Lesbians, but at least they realized that what they were doing was wrong! Sure, their motivations were mainly self-centered because they didn't want to waste their existence fighting, but they also took pity on the humans they were meant to kill!

I just fought fucking farmers. Saw the fear in their eyes. Not fear of dying. Fear of not having fought. Fear of not saving their people.

It's more empathy than Lenore ever showed for N!Hector, with her filthy "you were having fun"!

"Found her strengths" yeah, instead of physically torturing N!Hector, she used manipulation, abuse, coercion, gaslighting and rape by deception to "solve his problem". Wow, such strengths, many power. And then the second things got worse for her she immediately decided to peace out of life rather than wait a few decades until N!Isaac died, sorry N!Hector if you grew to care about me but my own bratty feelings are more important. I'm sorry, I know it's in bad taste to paint suicide as the cowardly way, but it's what the story did!

The Lenore apologism creeps me out more than anything else. I can stand the Carmilla stans who think she's so cool and badass and #grrlpower. I'm annoyed but resigned to the N!Isaac stans who believe he's the most complex character of all time and forgot about all the petty murders he commited. I'm baffled by the N!Dracula stans who genuinely believe he had the right to start a mass slaughter because some peasants didn't take him seriously enough. But this rhetoric that Lenore is the least evil of the sisters, that she was ultimately a poor broken woman who only did what she thought was the right thing, terrifies me. She's a realistic, human female abuser... and just like many female abusers, her crimes get brushed off because she's cute, because she looked sad enough, because women who sexually dominate men are inherently hot. And I know that fiction is not reality and you can enjoy villains without being a bad person, but the arguments the stans use, not to paint Lenore as cool like Carmilla but to actually downplay her very realistic crimes, just hit too close to home for me.

I just wish that "human" didn't become shorthand for "good deep down", because it's not true. Sometimes a "human" villain is far more evil than a villain so shallow they don't quite feel real.

#anti netflixvania #hell yeah i missed being a bitch on main <3 #i hate this show with a burning passion and i love to rant but i thought i had run out of material #oh what a joy #maybe next time i should make a compilation of all the times alucard was a giant dripping asshole to trevor lol just for a change #also yes the human rant applies to the likes of eggman too #he's not “human” when he becomes a dad lol #he's also human in how he incarnates pure greed at the expense of nature

[halsteadlover]

Just a little rant here about my personal life so feel free to skip lol

I know nobody is gonna read this and I’ll probably delete this when I’ll come to my senses but right now I feel so depressed I just need to get this out of my chest. I always felt tumblr like a safe space so here I am.

I don’t know if you remember the times where I took some time off because of anxiety and my mental health.

Lately it feels like it’s getting worse and I really don’t know what to do, I don’t know if many of you will relate (I really hope not) but it’s just like I don’t know how to be happy and I really hate it here man. I’m so tired of feeling like this, always worrying and having anxiety about something I don’t even know about. I feel so crazy sometimes you know? Like there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m honestly so grateful for the things god gave me. I’m healthy, I have a loving family (even if sometimes they’re overbearing to the point of crazy), I get to study for my dream job, I have a bf that puts up with my ass, friends even if few of them, there’s nothing wrong there are so many worse things people go through and I don’t even have to right to rant about any of this. So why do I feel like I don’t deserve any of this?

I have such deep trust issues it’s ruining my life and relationships, I don’t know why. I hate myself and I sometimes think I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m not that speciale and I’m so damn insecure that every good thing that happens in my life I can’t help but think it’s gonna fade in a minute, that something bad might happen, that I’m so easily replaceable.

Sometimes I truly think that if I disappeared no one would notice or miss me, I thought about doing it but I’m so damn scared. I don’t know where this is coming from, maybe the bullying had something with it I don’t honestly know but I’m so tired of feeling like this.

Why can’t I just love me? Why can’t I enjoy a single good thing that happens to me? Why do I keep sabotage myself by thinking I don’t deserve any happiness and it’ll soon fade away?

For example, these last two days I took three different exams and even though I’m relieved I can’t help but think I’m such a failure, that my parents are so disappointed in me for taking so long to finish a degree I was supposed to finish years ago.

I had an anxiety attack yesterday morning while I was with my bf and I sobbed for hours while he held me but if you ask me what triggered it I wouldn’t know how to answer you.

Why am I like this? Why am I not normal?

It’s just a bit of everything and I honestly don’t know what to do.

But please don’t judge me. I’m aware these “problems” are nowhere serious like some others and I’m so sorry for being so dramatic it’s just… I don’t know guys, I just want to be happy, to feel loved without actually thinking about the worst.

Am I soo pretentious? Do I sound so ungrateful? Complaining about these things when I have everything some people unfortunately dream of? I don’t want to sound like that and I feel so guilty about having these thoughts.

I know you’ll think I’m an attention seeker, fishing for compliments or things like that, I’ve been told that before here and I’m so sorry if it seems that way but trust me it’s the opposite of that. I’m telling this here because I guess it’s easier behind the screen, when no one knows you and can really judge you, but I also thing you’ll judge me anyway but at least it was good for me to let this out.

If someone reads this I hope you won’t think of me any less, and if you’re feeling something like this too I’m so sorry and if you want to talk my inbox and DMs are ALWAYS open for you guys, I’m here even if it takes me some time to answer.

Sorry if something doesn’t make any sense, I didn’t even read this back I’m just cried my eyes out while writing this post and now I have a headache. At least I hope the sleeping will be good lmao.

But tomorrow will be better, I’m sure of this.

[a-sip-of-milo]

Sorry for this vent, but I need to get this off my chest. This is gonna be really long.

To the 'narc abuse', 'borderline abuse', 'histrionic abuse' etc truthers:

I've had an incredible life, no trauma whatsoever. I've never known what a mental breakdown is, was top student throughout my school years. No bullies, no mean teachers, no abusive parents. Lived rich, won awards, never had a single problem in my life.

I was still a piece of shit.

I'm not empathetic whatsoever. I don't know how to comfort someone when they cry. I was severely detached with all my classmates I was so fucking insensitive. I throw fits of rage if things aren't as perfect as I visualised them. I always shift the blame to others, and if I'm held accountable, I don't know how to actually feel sorry when apologising, even until now. And I'm a neurotypical.

I don't mind being hated for this next part, it's perfectly understandable. TW for abusive & manipulative behaviour, scroll down until you see a #.

At 10, I called a classmate who was autistic and dyslexic "retarded" for not being able to write something despite knowing damn well they were disabled.

At 11, I verbally abused my 8 year old sister multiple times to the point of tears. I insisted (and believed) that she was just being oversensitive. This behaviour started long ago, this is when it reached its peak. It's still happening, but now she is mature enough to stand up to herself and I am mature enough to not be too harsh.

At 12, I gaslighted my then best friend into thinking she was the problem when we got involved in some drama I started. When she didn't take the fall for me, I ignored her for weeks. She started cutting, and I called her an attention seeker.

From then onwards, things just got worse. I stopped being a responsible child to my parents, frequently blamed my friends for anything that went wrong, and took advantage of my little sister's love for me.

And I did not have a single excuse. All I could say was 'I'm sorry', knowing that I'm lying. It's not that I saw my actions as 'okay', my heart just never ached like it was supposed to.

#

For those that scrolled to skip the triggering parts, I just want to say that I was a shitty person and had no excuse for it. I know that, as a child who had the best circumstances amongst her peers, there is nothing you can forgive about it.

I was, in a way, an abuser too. My friend who, at that time, had undiagnosed BPD, was still kinder than me. And before you anti-pd mfers start attacking me, I wanna tell you loud and clear:

No NPD, no BPD, no HPD, no DID, no BS.

I was an abuser.

I'm a neurotypical.

Sorry this took me so long to get to. I really appreciate and admire your honestly, and I hope that you've taken the steps to better yourself since then. I also hope that these people have found peace.

Thank you for your ask <3

#tw abuse #tw ableism #ask #tw self harm mention #npd safe #cluster b safe #tw slurs

[disabledunitypunk]

I'm so tired of cripplepunk exclusionism. I'm frustrated that cripplepunk as a term has become a red flag for those of us that are both physically disabled and neurodisabled, because we know we are not safe in those spaces. I'm especially tired of the few neurotypical gatekeepers I've come across that are treating people who are both like privileged invaders when they literally lack one of the axes of oppression we face and therefore (while I don't believe they are ontologically capable of oppressing us) DO HAVE PRIVILEGE IN THAT SITUATION.

And I'm tired of other people who are both throwing those with multiple types of disabilities to the wolves. I'm tired of some of the people who quite literally have more accommodations and treatment than me treating me like I'm only mildly disabled in any way. Please note I'm only referring to the people involved in the conversation that have access that I don't have, such as not being housebound by their own words.

I'm also tired of it coming from people as or more disabled than me, but that is both less common and I have more sympathy for those people because being super fucking sick and having to fight a greater-than-90-degree battle against the people who are supposed to be saving your life and increasing it's quality to not kill you and actively make your quality of life worse fucking sucks. I know from personal experience. I'm not excusing their actions, but I do feel for them.

Anyway, here's the post that provoked this. I'm struggling more and more every day to not think that this is at the very least partially a psy-op pushed by actual feds, even if it didn't start out that way, because of the extreme levels of damage it's done to disabled solidarity. It has truly effectively destabilized any disabled liberation movements.

And you know what? I don't care if there are no actual feds involved. If that's worth it to you just to get one over on the evil "abled" or "able-bodied" privileged neurodivergents, regardless of where you fall in terms of type of disability, go pick up your badge, because you're just doing the work of a fed, might as well not do it for free.

And don't get me wrong, I have my own share of wrath for neurodivergent people that think all physically disabled people have it soooo easy and are taken sooooo seriously. Corpoableism is also a problem in the community! I saw a comic like that the other day that I haven't been able to post about yet because I literally get too triggered every time I try.

My point here is specifically about exclusion in a movement quite literally named for a slur that historically and in modern times has absolutely been used for all of us. Crip studies and crip liberation always included all of us, well before someone on tumblr decided to make it exclusive. We were being called mental crips in asylums right alongside physical crips in hospitals (and freak shows).

We all face ableism and accessibility barriers and can be SEVERELY DISABLED by either type of disability. Pretending otherwise is just ableism.

But that's the whole point, isn't it? Using a reclaimed slur that belongs to all of us because a coiner who was (hopefully non-maliciously) ignorant of disabled liberation movements' histories and the variance in physical realities of neurodisability symptoms said so. Disabled people deciding that their experiences are universal, or that other disabled people are just lying fakers who want attention and are claiming to be more disabled than they are to get it (hm, where does that sound familiar). Pushing neurodisabled people out of disabled spaces because we're "not really disabled" and it's "all in our heads".

Conflating "abled" with "able-bodied", something the vast majority of cpunk exclusionists I've seen do, and conversely conflating "disabled" with "physically disabled". And if "cripplepunk" is only for "physically disabled" people and not for neurodivergent "able-bodied" people, then it's for "disabled" people and not for neurodivergent "abled" people. That's where linking those concepts ends up. It's all ableism, all the way down.

See, I have no problem with spaces that focus on physical disabilities. I'd like those myself. I just don't want to be considered "derailing" or a "privileged invader" when I can't separate my symptoms neatly into little boxes of "physical" and "mental", or compare the ones I can and how they affect each other and worsen each other, or talk about how sanism and neuroableism make corpoableism from medical professionals worse and vice versa, or find that some of my neurodisabilities are worse or cause more accessibility barriers than some of my physical ones.

Because cripplepunk isn't about physically disabled people anymore. It's about excluding neurodivergent people. And this hurts physically disabled neurodivergent people most.

Maybe we could stop the bullshit lateral aggression and go back to the idea that disabled people don't have to be "nice", or "palatable", or mask as abled when we're not. Maybe we can go back to actually fighting our oppressors instead of each other. (And maybe also we can go back to some fucking selfies of decorated mobility aids and 3d printer designs for wheelchair handle spikes and openly disabled joy. I fucking miss that.)

#mod stars #cripplepunk #unitypunk #ableism #neuroableism #sanism #corpoableism #if you're here to argue read the post again. then read it again with an open mind. and if you're still not listening just block. #also if you're here to call me abled or even able-bodied tell your mom I'm sorry I was too sick to fuck her last night #I'm not abled in any way and if you still refuse to read that no matter how many times I say it bc you can't see past your assumptions #then you're just a wildly ableist asscunt and I can't help you

[growandrecover]

hi,

im really scared bc im officially ✨overweight✨ and my ed has just been #triggered. any tips on how to avoid relapse?

Hey, anon.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm really proud of you for reaching out and actively trying to avoid relapse. That's wonderful.

First up, if you can, stop weighing yourself, measuring, body checking, or anything else you may be doing. Your weight does not say anything about you. Absolutely nothing. If you're concerned about your BMI specifically (which I know a lot of people with eds get caught up in), it's all a bunch of garbage. It was made based off of cis white men, and does not take muscle mass into consideration. Even if you happen to be a white amab person, it's still a joke. If you can't stop completely, try to limit what you're doing.

Next, please make sure you're eating all your meals and snacks. My therapist has told me to do this, and I'm passing along the information to you guys. If you have to, set a schedule for yourself and stick to it with the best of your ability.

If you're someone who used exercise to lose weight in the past/if you exercise currently, you may want to lay off that until you're in a better headspace. Going along with this, if you wear a Fitbit or Apple Watch of any kind, taking it off may help avoiding triggers like your daily step count, calories burned, and your other exercise levels. I wore one for almost a year and took it off a few months ago. Surprisingly enough, my quick dips back into some of my ed behaviors have stopped. I finally realized that those triggers sitting on my wrist 24/7 had been messing with my head.

If you're able to/not already, get an adequate amount of sleep. I think we all know what happens when we stay up too late, letting our minds wander into our ed thoughts in the middle of the night. Low levels of sleep interfere with our mental health, which, in times like these, needs to be extra nurtured.

Try to look at it from someone else's point of view. If someone you knew came to you with this exact problem, what would you say? Would you want them to be kind to their body, to fuel it, and to take care of it? Probably, right? Or if that's hard for you to say to yourself, wouldn't you just want them to be free of their eating disorder?

This is pretty harsh, but your ed is trying to hurt you. It's trying to kill you. Whatever it needs to say to get you to engage in those behaviors, it will. It'll tell you that you're not as [adjective of your choice] or [another adjective of your choice] when you weigh more than you have in the past, but that's simply not true. As I said earlier, your weight is just a number. You deserve recovery. You deserve happiness. You deserve a life free of food rules and that nasty voice in your head.

If you're scared, I'm here to tell you: your ed will not fix anything. Losing weight will not fix the idea of yourself you have in your head, and won't make you magically like your body more. It wants you to think it will, but it won't. It only makes your life worse.

Something that helps me is looking at recovery posts on Pinterest or Tumblr. I love being able to see other people's thoughts and encouragement. It always inspires me to keep going, and I hope it'll do the same for you, too.

Whatever it is that triggered you is not worth all the pain and suffering that comes with an ed. I don't care if it was something somebody said or just a thought you had. Nothing is worth going back to your ed.

You can do this. I believe in you.

I really hope this was at least a little bit helpful, and I hope you're okay, anon. If you're not right now, you will be.

If I missed something, or you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a message! ♡

#asks

[eliserzilber]

This post is to elaborate more on my experience in the DBT group and some of the reading and tools I found most helpful to me.

The DBT group I was able to take part in was a remote group that met once a week for 16 weeks via Webex. I was very lucky to get a spot and that my Medicaid covered any cost. It was run by two social workers as part of NYU Langone's Psychiatric Center at Sunset Terrace.

The weeks were broken down based on the 4 Modules (core skill groups) of DBT: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.

Mindfulness: This is the base of any DBT practice, and what I always had trouble with in the past. Mindfulness is a kind of self-awareness that you can use to break down your experiences and give yourself a kind of reality check. Being mindful is being present and aware of your emotions, your body, and your though process.

There are 3 Minds with which we experience and react to the world: Emotion Mind (acting based on emotions alone), Rational Mind (acting based on facts alone), and Wise Mind (a combination of the first 2 and the goal of mindfulness).

Distress Tolerence: This module focuses on short term solutions for big emotions. The skills involved in this module are called Distraction skills because their goal is to just get you through the wave of emotion, resist any harmful urges, and survive your distress long enough to talk to someone or get to other skills.

There are quite a few skills in this module I found helpful, and I'll go into more detail on them in another post. The skill I think can do the most in the moment is called ACCEPTS, an acronym used to remember what you can do to distract yourself when feelings get too intense.

A - Activities: Watch a comforting tv show or movie, clean, do a puzzle, any task that requires most of your attention so you can focus mindfully on it rather than your emotional spiral.

C - Contributing: Talk to a friend or family member, help someone with a task like cooking or cleaning. The goal being to focus on being with someone rather than being alone in your thoughts. *This obviously would not be a go-to if the person would further trigger you.

C - Comparisons: Compare this emotional storm to a past, worse experience as a way to remind yourself that you've survived before, and you can do it again. *Again, the point of this is not to further trigger yourself, but to prove to yourself that you're strong enough to get through this moment of distress.

E - Emotions: Activate opposite emotions by watching a funny video or recalling a happy memory.

P - Push Away: Mentally push away the triggering thoughts or situation until you are calmer and more regulated and able to deal with the emotions. Commit, for a few minutes, to picturing your problems going into a small box, closing them in it, shoving the box deep in the back of a closet and closing the door. This exercise is a very short term way to remove the weight from your shoulders.

T - Thoughts: Actively think about something completely unrelated to your triggers. Sing your favorite song from memory, do a crossword puzzle or a math problem.

S - Sensations: Interact with your 5 senses mindfully; hug a stuffed animal or a pet, hold ice in your hand and feel it melt, lay flat on the floor and feel your body pressing into the hard surface.

**The best way to utilize this skill is, when you're calm and not feeling any distress, make yourself a list of specific things you can do that correspond with each of these steps. Thinking of something to distract you when you're in the midst of an emotional storm is incredibly hard, so preparing a reference guide for yourself ahead of time is a way to show up for yourself.

Emotion Regulation: This 3rd module focuses on learning to identify your emotions, understand where they come from and what they are trying to tell you, and processing them in a healthy way.

The purpose of all emotions is evolutionary survival. Emotions spur us into action to meet our needs (when you get hangry, you know you need to eat), and communicate danger to ourselves and others. Body language and voice tone can also often communicate emotions before words do.

*Use a feeling wheel to identify your emotions and dig deeper. If you can't process them right away, use a distress tolerance skill until you are able to sit with them.

*The best skill for emotion regulation is ABC PLEASE, an acronym used to help you recognize vulnerability factors in your life and minimize them.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: This last module focuses on skills that help us communicate with others. There are skills like GIVE, which can be used to maintain good relationships with others, and FAST, which can be used to help maintain your self-respect when making a request of someone.

*There are others that I will make graphics for, stay tuned!

Attending the group and learning the skills was only part of what I found helpful on my journey toward stability. I found a book, Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder, that helped break mindfulness down in great detail and very easy to follow language. The book is written specifically for BPD-havers so it's really an excellent resource. The other tool I found helpful is something my therapist suggested I get, The Game of Real Life, which is a game that you can play to learn DBT skills in an interactive and fun way. It comes with a little book that breaks every skill and practice down, Skill cards which I find to be a great go-to for recalling a skill in a moment you need it (after all, it's a whole lot of acronyms to remember), and Conflict cards that give you examples of situations you might experience, and you have to pick a skill card to practice (can be done alone but better with someone you trust to really dive into the communication and regulation skills). I've actually been carrying a few of the skill cards in my purse wherever I go, just in case I need a quick reference in a moment of distress.

I have so much more to share with anyone who's interested. I'll keep posting, making graphics, and if anyone has a specific question about any of the modules, I'll do my best to answer or help you find the information online. DBT groups are super hard to find, in extremely high demand so it's hard to get in, and usually grossly expensive due to this country's horrible healthcare system. I consider myself extremely privileged to have been able to find a great hospital when I needed it and a great group that my insurance covered. I'm here for anyone who isn't as lucky. Let's make DBT accessible and break the stigma of the BPD diagnosis!

#bpd thoughts #actually bpd #borderline pd #borderline personality #borderline personality problems #bpd #bpd life #bpd problems #bpd shit #bpd stuff #dbt #dbt group #dbt skill #dbt skills #distress tolerance #interpersonal effectiveness #mindfulness #mindful #therapy #dialectical behavior therapy #emotion regulation #emotion dysregulation #emotions #relationships #group therapy #group #bpd help #ABC PLEASE #GIVE #FAST

[bokvshou]

when tfs came out I saw jokes saying that haru was literally possessed by albert and that's funny af but it also made me want to tell how, for me, this is comparable to one of my bpd episodes.

spoilers for free! the final stroke part 1&2.

first of all, disclaimer: I'm not trying to speak for all the people with bpd because we're all different. I'm just going to share how I related the scene (and haru) to how I experience my own episodes.

for those who don't know: "bpd" refers to "borderline personality disorder". is a mental disorder characterized by unstable relationships, intense mood swings, fear of abandonment, intolerance to be alone, frequent feelings of emptiness or boredom, and other symptoms. we don't really know what causes this disorder, but it's believed that shit like abuse (physical, emotional or sexual), childhood neglect, unstable family life or even genetics are part of the reasons.

anyway.

in an episode the symptoms vary by individual, but in my case they usually start after attacks of anxiety or anger, and sometimes due to depression. the most common trigger for me though is the feeling of abandonment, and jealousy.

the thing with bpd is that we tend to get extremist. like, a lot (this is known as splitting). for me sometimes "I forgot to tell you that I won't be able to see a movie with you today, sorry!" can mean "I don't care about you and I don't want to be with you anymore". a simple problem can turn into something bigger and affect my head in an atomic way.

(and here we must take into account that negative experiences or emotions carried over and accumulated from before make things much worse. in this case, I mean that haru already has very bad memories regarding rin stopping swimming when he's involved).

so, what happened here? well, exactly that. haruka felt safe because he thought rin would be by his side and he was brave enough to actually tell him (something we know haru has a hard time doing), so when he found out what was going on, his mind took it as something IRREPARABLE.

haru's mind thought "I'm completely alone, rin left me, he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he abandoned me again" instead of "rin is not going to swim with me this time".

although rin was only sacrificing swimming together in the present to be able to do it later in the future, with a long-term mindset, haru took it as a rejection. the terrifying idea of ​​abandonment and the feeling of rejection was the trigger, and from that moment on, haruka's head no longer understood reasons.

it is worth mentioning that it's not the first time haru has acted like this. in fact, most of his conflicts throughout the seasons and movies share similar roots: abandonment, the feeling of loneliness, or some of his close relationships going their separate ways from him.

it happened with his best friend, it happened with his family, it happened with ikuya, and more than anything... it happened with rin. and the thing is, with rin it's always more intense, I mean, we have to remember that after all, rin is the reason why haruka was, canonically, in a depressive episode for 4 years. it's to be expected that being involved in this type of situation with him affects haru a fucking lot.

a clear example in S1, when rin (also with depression at the time, 100% confirmed) wanted to "move on" by getting rid of haru, and we can literally see how the light escapes from his blue eyes, totally hopeless and heartbroken. haru is NOT able to accept the idea of ​​rin abandoning him. for haru the world ends the moment rin even mentions walking away, or stopping swimming, or anything similar, as seen several times.

long story short, for me haru has symptoms of bpd.

and what happens during an episode? well, I get irrational. my emotions are at 300%, I'm defensive, I explode with little provocation and I speak without thinking. haru felt hurt and that was exactly what he did, and in HIS head he was totally justified.

sometimes, in that fragile state of mind, it's... easy to say out loud all the stupid, negative, aggressive and hurtful shit you could think of. haru exploded, and subconsciously wanted to hurt rin and make him feel just as miserable as him. something like: you broke my heart and I will make you pay for it.

bpd's a lil bitch.

in those moments your perception of reality is soooo damn wrong and your head only processes what it wants: he cheated on me, he doesn't love me anymore, he is abandoning me, he prefers another person, they are lying to me, etc etc etc.

and for the others involved it's all confusing because they don't understand how you went from being perfectly fine to... that, and they don't know what they did wrong. (they probably didn't do anything wrong).

so, the albert situation™.

albert appears to haru as someone intimidating, with enormous power at the cost of being completely alone, something haru doesn't want and is afraid to face that possibility. albert serves as a physical representation of this fear.

the whole "his eyes change color and now haruka's possessed omg" thing is not literal, obviously. in addition to serving as a nice visual resource for the film, for me it's a good way to demonstrate something that happens with bpd: splitting, and symptoms such as paranoia, self-sabotage, and impulsiveness.

splitting.

it's not like haruka's possessed or we're having some "dark!haru" concept going on, haru is just splitting. splitting is basically a defense mechanism that is done unconsciously in an attempt to protect yourself against strong negative emotions like loneliness or abandonment. splitting makes one see things in absolute terms, something black/white and prevents you from recognizing any gray areas in events, people, or thoughts because supposedly the point is to easily discard the "bad" things and embrace the "good" things to protect yourself.

but seeing and responding to the world in such an extreme way can leave a person exhausted and emotionally drained. it also ends up leading to big ass problems in relationships because those close to the person end up being affected by their behavior.

paranoia.

haru looks absolutely terrified when albert "shows up". I mean, for me this is comparable to the moment when intrusive thoughts arrive. haruka gets upset, and begins to doubt his decisions, future, relationships and is afraid that his fears will come true.

then his guard is up and it looks like an anxiety attack with tachycardia, stress and cold sweat included. albert, like intrusive thoughts, comes out of nowhere and is psychological torture.

impulsiveness.

each and every one of the things he said to rin were on impulse. he wanted rin to listen that shit? never. was that how he wanted to say it? of course not. but he did it without thinking. did he really mean everything he said? I don't necessarily think so, but maybe it was a grudge accumulated from a long time ago, I mean, it's not like he told a lie, rin himself later admits that he knew how he was acting but preferred to pretend that he didn't see haru's feelings.

so, it's not that albert controls him, it's haru himself acting impulsively based on his fears, anxieties and paranoia. he's defensive because he's hurt and full of trauma and ptsd and he feels betrayed and vulnerable.

a "spirit" version of haru can be seen outside his body trying to stop himself. this is obviously not literal either, it's the part of his brain that is rational, that knows what he's thinking isn't true and wants to control himself, but during an episode YOU DON'T LISTEN.

self sabotage.

someone with bpd tends to sabotage themselves a lot, and that's exactly what haru did. he instigated a fight with rin, was then left alone and miserable, and instead of fixing it, he used it to further sink himself into the horrible mindset he was already in. because in his head there was no other option to take.

haru could have tried to understand rin's decisions, could have reacted better, that is expected, is the way a functional person works. but the thing with bpd is... you DON'T GET IT. for haru, rin was rejecting him and his brain went into survival mode. end of the story.

then, when the outburst passes and you "come to your senses," all that remains is regret and guilt, and a thousand questions of "why did I do that? I shouldn't have said anything, why did this happen? why do I always mess everything up?" and you go into a spiral.

and knowing haru it's obvious he's going to take all the blame on himself because it's what he's been doing since he was a kid and no one has EVER bothered to correct and comfort him. on the contrary, other people have only further buried the idea in his head (thank you, hiyori).

well, what happens next? depends on the person. self harm, suicide attempts, isolation... you become difficult to approach, you feel empty, you try to stay alone even if your condition worsens. and what does haru do? he exercises TOO much and worsens his physical condition to the point that he falls asleep in random places due to exhaustion. a form of self harm if you ask me.

sometimes I feel like I need a prince charming in armor but at least 80% of the time I have a lot of trouble getting out of a dark moment by myself. and at least in my case, after one episode I go back to a depressive spiral, and it's worse than the last. it's very painful and distressing, and you do NOT know what to do and in your head there is no damn solution, you're completely alone and it's all your fault. and that can end very, very badly.

and by "very badly", I mean things like self-harm and the desire to kill yourself, because these types of behaviors are very common in patients with bpd. please whenever someone with bpd tells you they feel that way, take it seriously.

something else I noticed and would like to say is that bpd can include somatization (when your emotions show up as literal physical pain) and haru just goes through that here, falling to his knees with intense pain in his chest.

and I mean- no, it wasn't necessarily obvious, haru.

for someone with bpd it's NOT obvious even the simplest things, especially if it has to do with the feelings of others towards us; it's the lack of emotional permanence, and that is why we desperately need the constant reassurance and search for approval.

but if you want me to say it "simple": haru is traumatized with rin leaving him, rin implied that he would, in a way, and haru and his ptsd responded defensively. because haru needs therapy, let me tell u.

finally: none of this invalidates the fact that rin felt bad about what haru said, although it's true they have never sat down to talk about what happened when they were kids, and rin's issues are a whooole other can of worms.

#haruka nanase #free! haruka #free! iwatobi swim club #the final stroke #spoilers #bordeline personality disorder #bpd #headcanon #but it's more of a projection honestly #sensitive topics #bpd episode #nanase haruka has bpd #thats my hashtag now idc idc

[pensarecool2]

Thinking about how little schools in the United States give a fuck about the safety of their students, and how school counselors could not care less about abuse because there is no reason for them to care.

When I was a kid, I was regularly called to the principal's office and/or the school councilors office. It was a combination of undiagnosed autism, being completely traumatized, and in general not knowing how to socialize with anyone. I would always (and still do) get triggered by pretty much anything and get sent into frequent panic attacks and mental breakdowns. I would frequently leave the classroom crying, or would scream and cry in the bathroom. I would frequently be in an unresponsive PTSD state, and even though I could rarely remember why I was upset, or know what was happening (kept repressing the shit out of that trauma) the effects were still there. I was labeled as a problem kid, and it became routine to just deal with me in the office.

I remember one time I was explaining how my mom hit me to the school counselor, and she asked more specifically how my mom hit me. She then said that slapping children across the face is legal because it doesn't leave a mark. She said that it doesn't matter what I feel about it because my mother is allowed to do that, and my mother still loves me, etc. She said there was nothing that she was allowed to do about it, and that I should just deal with it. (Btw, the woman I am describing was the most helpful councilor or therapist I saw at this age who arguably did the least amount of harm.) The woman who told me that it didn't matter that I was being hit because it was legal, and also didn't give enough of a shit to try and figure out if other stuff was going on (there was much worse stuff going on) was the kindest and most helpful person in my childhood who toted a therapist or councilor label.

I frequently interacted with school administration as a kid, and they always just dismissed me as a troublemaker and looking for attention. And whenever my dad would harass them into not punishing more than they already did (I cannot count the number of times I would get suspended for having panic attacks or causing a scene in school) they would just believe him when they said that he was helping me. He took me to a fake therapist (she was licensed as an "art therapist" and had no other qualifications) who encouraged him and myself to believe that I was only pretending to be depressed to try and get out of doing homework. That therapist told me that no matter how much my father abused me, it didn't matter because he loved me. And this woman would tell my school that I was fine, and to ignore me when I caused trouble. And they believed it. Because they don't care. No one fucking cares. People pretend to give a shit about harm caused to children, but in reality, they could not care less.

#vent #vent tag #vent post #cw vent #vent cw #csa survivor #csa vent #childhood trauma #childhood abouse #they did nothing #therapy cw #child abuse cw #ptsd vent #ptsd flashbacks #blurry ❓🦑 #the squid system 🦑 #🦑 lore #public school #usa public school

[senjuushi]

Garnier

“Don’t mind my appearance, Master... I’m just like him on the inside.”

Garnier. That’s me. I’m... Gras. Mhmm.

We started out as the same gun, but I was dismantled and... and, made useful for a different purpose. It looks bad, I know. Bad... not broken... just, uh, just ugly. I can still fight like he can, so entrust your enemies to me. I’ll erase anyone I’m ordered to... they’ll burn. 

My body’s appearance is grotesque, but... um, that won’t cause any problems. You don’t have to look at me if you don’t want to... All you have to do is tell me who to kill. I’m still... still, uh, useful. Really. 

Interests: People-watching

Likes: Chocolate, Gras, fire

. . .

Garnier is an improvised grenade launcher, Bombardes DR, one of a handful created during WW1 by dismantling, modifying, and altering parts from Fusil Gras 1874 rifles. Musketeers summoned from altered or damaged guns tend to be in poor condition, though, and Garnier is no different. Both his physical form and mental state have been heavily distorted— while he retains many of the original traits a Gras rifle would display, they've all been twisted up beyond recognition. 

Like his "original", Gras, Garnier is violent. But for him, it's not just bloodlust. Garnier was created in the midst of the worst of human warfare, and the things burned into his memory have warped his perception of how the world works. Where Gras is vicious, Garnier is brutal. He can't see any thrill in battle anymore, so all of those violent tendencies are directed into the fastest, most effective ways to take out whatever's in his way. While he won't pick fights for fun, the slightest provocation or threat can trigger a sudden attack. 

Biologically, he has Gras's endless libido, but his body is so destroyed that he struggles to register any kind of physical contact as anything but pain. Part of that is the psychological certainty that he can't be touched without it hurting in some way, and part is just the result of massive scarring and a body that doesn't work how it should. 

Garnier carries Gras's identity issues as well, but in the form of completely lacking a sense of self. He struggles with remembering who or what he is, and frequently suffers from delusions— believing that he's injured or dying, seeing wounds that aren't there, confusing himself with Gras (and sometimes Chassepot), and doubting his own existence and reality are some of the common themes. 

Matchingly, his behavior also seems empty. Garnier tries to imitate Gras, both what he instinctively feels "Gras" should be and how he sees the real thing acting. He'll mimic the eloquent speech and suave attitude Gras maintains, but it comes out so twisted and clumsy that the effect is far more disturbing than charming. He'll attempt the same seductive advances too, and those, somehow worse, end up sounding like either threats of violence or a plea for help. Even simple actions come out wrong— jarring in a way that makes him seem distinctly inhuman. He has no concept of social rules. 

Some of this can be explained by his fractured mental state, while other aspects are related to the Musketeer equivalent of traumatic brain injury. Garnier is very literally incapable of thinking clearly. Everything gets scrambled up in his head and comes out even worse. And his body is no better. He's covered in scarring, with internal problems that may be worse. While he's not exactly delicate, there's always something going wrong with his physical functioning. His movements are stilted and unnatural, with some parts just plain not responding how he wants them to. He's always, always in pain. 

Furthermore, Garnier's ability to take care of himself is almost nonexistent. He can survive a battle just fine, but when it comes to things like eating and maintaining personal hygiene, he's almost helpless. On his own, he'll forget what hunger feels like or not be able to figure out how to do something as simple as brushing his hair.

Being in a near-constant state of dissociation doesn't help that. The intensity varies, but Garnier never fully feels like he and the world around him are real. He can lose hours of time when his mind screeches to a halt and can't move again on its own, and there are many times when he's not sure if he's existing at all. He needs someone to give him orders and direct his actions, or else he'll end up suffering from the results of his confusion. It often seems like he's running on autopilot, especially when he has a command to follow.

Art by @astralhive

#Garnier #Ocs #Info

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for "not making time" for my ex

So I (21F) met my ex (24M) at an internship I held last summer. We started seeing each other and things quickly developed into a full relationship. We spent a lot of time together as we worked 10hr days together 4 days a week and he always wanted to meet up on weekends. For a while every date was an overnight and our physical relationship began very quickly.

Fast forward a couple months and I moved back to college as I am finishing up my BA atm. He knew this going into the relationship and I made it explicitly clear that if he wanted things to continue, it was going to be long distance (its about 2-2 1/2 hours away). Shortly before this time he became extra clingy and angsty about me moving saying things like I never made time for him (our dates even prior to were never less than 10 hours) and when we weren't able to see each other for a couple days he would want to call and would want to talk for hours because he missed me even if I was busy or expressed that I didn't want to be on the phone as it is a very mentally draining task for me.

After 1-2 months of long distance, these problems got worse. Every time I saw him he would complain about not having enough time to do stuff with me and would often stay most of the weekend even if I would politely ask to have some time to do homework or just be by myself. He would say that he could help with my chores, homework or mental health time and didn't seem to understand my desire to do things independently. He kept saying that I wasn't letting him into my life enough and said that he hated the distance between us and wished he didn't have to drive so far. There were other issues that also kept piling on and eventually after much back and forth we broke up him citing that "he wasn't good for me" and things weren't working out.

During the month after our breakup I felt many things both guilty and sad but also a bit relieved as the fighting in our relationship had caused a lot of built up stress and anxiety that had pushed me to a very low place. In this time we had called a few times to discuss things and some calls went okay but others took turns and would leave me feeling hurt and confused. We had a meetup to talk in person about getting back together and I said for the time being I think we're better off as friends. He is someone I care a lot about and I do think that he has some dark shit to deal with and probably needs to seek counseling. I feel as if I have been very forgiving and kind but also acknowledge that I likely have some fault in the demise of our relationship as there are things I need to work on such as boundary setting and people pleasing.

Since this conversation many things have happened that complicate matters and I honestly feel a bit lost. There are times it feels like we could have a new beginning and others where all the old issues come screaming back into my face. I've said I don't want to be in a relationship with him right now and need time to work through things and he wants to keep up the physical part of our relationship as he sees that as something that didn't need fixing.

Recently we met up and I had set plans with my friends before and after we saw each other. He showed up mad that I had set plans with other people on the day that we had time together since it made things feel rushed and he wanted to actually be able to spend time with me. This ended up blowing up into an argument and he told me to "grow the hell up" and also said that I "needed to learn how to be in a real relationship". These things were incredibly triggering to me as I am both younger than him and this is also the first relationship and everything that I have ever been in. He told me that he didn't appreciate the fact that I never wanted to make time for him and said that this was true during our relationship as well. He said that if I couldn't do it he had other friends that cared about him enough and that he shouldn't have even come to see me since it was clear that I didn't give a shit.

Now I feel so lost since I have even after our relationship never flaked on him and have been overly honest about my insecurities and everything even outside of the relationship. He is someone I still really care about but every time something like this happens I feel that he is not good for me even if he does really care about me in all the ways he says. It hurts so bad even because amongst all these things we still have really nice times together where we can just be around each other and enjoy each others company. I know that I cannot separate these experiences as they happen with the same man and all my friends tell me this is manipulative behavior but I also worry that I'm overreacting.

So AITA? (sorry for the long post)

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, maybe a tw for ableism or harmful comments towards mental health. And it got a bit long, sorry.

I don't work because of my mental illnesses and most people in my life know that. Except my partners mom, who is very... anti therapy-ish? Just suck it up-ish. We all experienced trauma-ish. Young people can't be that disabled and so on. I was never good enough for her (which is funny because my partner started therapy too, once he moved away from her) and when I dropped that I have social anxiety (I told her to test the water) she made clear what she thinks of it and how it changed her perception of me.

My partner earns the most money for us, but we are fine. But in her eyes I am just unemployed and she doesn't understand why. She also looked up jobs for me in the past, which is hilarious because she, who only knew I have social anxiety, chose the jobs with the most customer contact. "Work in a grocery store over christmas" or I just drop dead.

But it is very important to her, also because she likes me (again) and fears that I will never get a job and already wasted my life forever, and I am soo old and should take whatever I get offered (I am 22).

But she is also very scary, she was abusive towards my partner and she has been towards me. But even when she is not, she reminds me of my abusive mom, being around her is triggering. Which makes her angry again, when I avoid her.

She's living a bit away from our home, so my partner only sees her twice or three times a year, and he plans to visiting her again in August (maybe please answer this before August). And I wanted to join him. My mental health gets worse when he is not around and I like being with him and the rest of his family. And I don't want his mom to think bad of me. The only contra is, that I don't know what I will tell his mom about my "job situation".

We have a long drive way and usually arrive in the evening, but every time the first thing is, that we sit on the table for 3 hours and talk about everything. And always the question about my job pops up. I always delayed it to summer, because in summer most jobs start here, and said "I am applying, we'll see in summer". By my lies she must believe I wrote 3 digit applications. That no one chose me seems unbelievable. And then she'll always ask "what jobs? What did they say??" And, you know, I have like a dozen big lies running with my own mom, for my own safety, I have no spoons for more big lies for another persons mom. My lies to her are usually weak, not very thought through and rely on distracting from the topic. I am surprised not to get in big trouble, everytime we visit.

And I don't know what I am supposed to tell her this time. She already "kicked me out" in the past, and my partner did always go with me, but I don't want to ruin his time with his family and not them to think bad about me. I don't want anything but harmony. Plus his grandma, who raised him, is getting sicker and he wants to spend as much time with her as possible. And I actually want to go with him.

What can I tell his mom, but the truth? I don't know and that really makes me anxious.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It can be complicated to have abusive relatives that don't understand mental health and how that can impact the ability to work.

It might be best to just be honest, and if she reacts poorly that's her problem. It's not your fault that your partner's mom seems to be the one who ruins time with family. I can understand not wanting them to think bad about you but if they're not understanding of the reasons why you can't work on top of being abusive themselves, then their perception of you is worth taking with a huge grain of salt. It sounds like you've been doing what you can to mitigate the situation and it would not be reasonable for them to think bad of you, based on what you've shared.

It may be helpful to set some boundaries with your partner's mom. When your partner's mom asks about you getting a job, you can say something blunt like "I don't work due to my mental illnesses, please don't ask me this again." If you don't want to explain, you could say “This is not a topic I’m willing to discuss right now.” If your patience is wearing thin, you could say "If we cannot change the subject I will have to leave." It's important to reaffirm these boundaries if needed. If things escalate, this article has some tips on ways to respond.

If anyone has any other comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw ableism

[tsunderedoctor]

Hi there, I was wondering if it was possible to put in an emergency request (if you’re not busy with other stuff of corse!!)

So I have a fear of men that came from growing up around mostly abusive male figures in my life. It’s made it hard to trust or feel comfortable around men which can lead to me being super quiet and it sometimes leads to panic attacks especially if they’re bigger men or if they’re really loud. Ever since I got out of that environment I’ve worked a lot on this fear but recently I had an incident with a large man harassing me (I’m fine and there were people around so I wasn’t harmed or anything) and it’s undid a lot of the progress I’ve made in being able to be around men and not be scared even if they’re nice. So now I’m back to only having a small handful of guys I’m friends with and I don’t get anxious around.

So I was wondering if I could get something with Robin, Killer, Sanji, and Hancock (you can leave one of them out or something if that’s too much) comforting an s/o with a similar problem?

Thank you so much even if you don’t have time to do this, you really do help a lot of people with your writing and I know for one it makes me feel a lot less alone.

I totally understand though I am afraid of men for different reasons lol. I hope you are doing well and know you can always chat!!💜

Robin might not understand exactly why you have a fear of men, but she will do her best to be accommodating and empathetic for you! She’s very considerate when it comes to those she loves and doesn’t want to ever put you in a situation where you feel threatened.

If anyone (man or woman) came at you in a threatening or aggressive tone, she would take over the situation with a strong stare, while politely telling them to get lost.

Seeing you come home in a paranoid and stressed manner does worry her though! She won’t go into asking questions until you are ready, but know she is keeping an eye on you and waiting for you to open up on how you feel and what happened.

She’s not as aggressive as other characters when it comes to protecting those she loves, but she will make a stance and show she shouldn’t be messed with.

Will do her best to be comforting when you come to her. Laying your head on her lap as she runs fingers through your hair, reminding you that as long as you are with her, nothing will happen to you.

Killer is a quiet being, he attacks with no words and doesn’t feel the need to explain his reasoning. So seeing you so defeated and scared over what a man said is reason enough for him to get involved.

He isn’t the best when it comes to comforting, but he tries his best! He prefers you keep your distance though as he feels he can be threat to your psyche.

If you do want him, he asks you wait a bit until you are mentally sound. He just doesn’t want to mess up and be the reason you feel even worse, his self confidence wouldn’t be able to handle that.

Once you feel more comfortable about the situation he will do his best to be there for you. He will take his time with touch and his words, not wanting to trigger you more.

When he sees you are more comfortable, he will reach out to you, large hand stroking your head, silently telling you that everything is going to be okay.

Compared to Killer, Sanji is very open with how he feels and he doesn’t believe in fighting or hurting people who don’t deserve it. With this in mind, he will put out his cigarette before getting in the middle between you and your assailant. 

Definitely teaches this man a lesson in chivalry and how to treat a person! How own trauma in how his father and brothers treated him coming to the surface.

Similar to Hancock, he will be very clingy and wanting to please you. He wants to make sure you are okay and tries to fix the situation to the best of his abilities. 

He might not realize being so touchy can be triggering and could feel like a hit puppy when being rejected, but he will do his best to understand you and how to help fix the situation both during and after the event.

Once things are calmed down, he will give you his legendary smile, reminding you how much he loves you and that no matter what, he will protect you!

Hancock COMPLETELY understands and hates men with a passion due to her past abuse and trauma. She created a whole country just to be a haven for abused and neglected women, so you will get the same treatment!

She will go into full yandere mode and find the person who dared hurt you or even threatened to hurt you. Consider them nonexistent by the time she is done with them. 

Will be extremely loving to you and treat you as though you are a baby who needs her help. Literally has no problem spoon feeding you, even if you physically fine, in her mind you need her and she must take care of you!

Spends the rest of the day checking in on you and making sure all is well. You might think it’s for your benefit (and in some light it is), but it helps build her own confidence and self esteem knowing you need her!

Lays her head on you knee, telling you how much you mean to her and if a single person happen to look at you wrong, consider them dead.

#tsunderedoctor #emergency request #nico robin #robin x reader #massacre soldier killer #killer one piece #killer x reader #black leg sanji #vinsmoke sanji #sanji one piece #sanji x reader #boa hancock #boa one piece #hancock x reader #one piece #one piece x reader #one piece scenarios #one piece comfort