#also my nana told my mom she thinks i have ‘anger issues’

[babydarkstar]

fucking hate when parents do something they know will upset me and then laugh about me getting upset and then get angry when i dont have the quiet little ‘look the other way’ that they want

#like it drives me fucking insane #also my nana told my mom she thinks i have ‘anger issues’ #i was like wow well i can definitely not show up to live with u and help u whenever u need #also that’s rich coming from someone who snapped at me when i said something mundane #and needs to have things done a certain way #like literally it’s making me so angry that i want to cry #maybe i dont have anger issues maybe you have issues abt crossing peoples boundaries #and purposely trying to trigger me/my sister/anyone who u feel like making fun of #i literally cannot wait to be independent from these people holy shit #like FOUR MORE FUCKING YEARS OF IT BUT IT’S FINE. IT’S FINE #im so sick of being nitpicked and criticized all the fucking time #anyways #wnd dont tell me to move out i will hunt u down and rip you apart w bare hands #bc that means u dont understand and u never will #also im terrified that i’ll never be able to move out bc mental illness #like i have zero self control zero self discipline i wont deny myself things #anyways like i know im capable but i also feel like i never will be #also bc of my depression all of my friendships are distant now #and im too ashamed to go back and be like ‘hey sorry i ignored your snaps and only sent streaks for an entire two years’ #and like. some of my old friends are sooooo draining to be around i dont even want to try #and they remind me of being in a shit school with a shit mentality and sksnksjsjs #im just complaining

[will-byerz]

BPD MIKE WHEELER HEADCANONS!!

Disclaimer: these are all based on my own thoughts and experiences and in no way am I trying to harm or stigmatise anyone! If there are any issues with this please feel free to dm me and we can talk about it!

El is his Favourite Person

• Which is why he’s always so emotionally charged with her and why he tried to “call” her every day for a year when she was gone!

• This is also why he can’t play dnd anymore because she’s not into it, and why he can’t concentrate on anything else when they break up.

• the idealisation comes from him being a HUGE nerd (Star Wars merch etc in his basement) and El being 1) a GIRL!! Which is new to Mike cause he’s definitely never had a girl be interested in him before and 2) she’s consistently compared to ET in the show, like she’s an alien— and to his little nerd brain that’s so crazy!! He has an ‘alien’ girlfriend! He knows a real life super human!

• this is also why he’s desperate to grow up, because he wants to spend his life with her and imitate what he’s seen happen with his own family, aka he wants to create a nuclear family with her

• he would rather lie to her (nana is sick) than risk losing her for real, because the idea of that is so terribly painful that he’ll do anything it takes not to lose her again.

• constant phone calls to her house, constant visits to her, leaving early from meeting his friends so he can go spend time alone with her. (a/n when I was 14, I would hang out with my fp and my friends all the time and my favourite part of the day was when we would walk home together alone. I would look forward to home time just for that!)

• Seeing Max as a threat when it comes to El.

Pressure in home life/Origin(?)

• His dad is shown to be very withdrawn so there’s a lot of pressure there with growing up to look after his family and be an adult

• Due to Mike’s circumstances of being a guy in the 80’s, his emotions have probably been repressed so much in his household. I imagine because of this, the emotions he does feel are super duper intense/hard to handle, especially when his environment growing up was possibly invalidating due to him being the only son.

• We see a LOT of Mike’s feelings being shut down but either his parents or by the party. Aka a lot of “Mike! That’s not okay to say!” Or “Why would you say that?” And shutting down his thoughts— the way this manifests into his possible BPD is the inability to understand WHY what he has said or done is wrong. No one will explain to him why what he has said is bad, he’s just been told it was bad. Aka more repression!

• He can sometimes be blind to other people’s emotions/a little self centred. This is shown in the infamous Byler scene in season 3 when he’s outwardly harsh to Will, because he thinks Will is being insensitive to his intense feelings over his break up— so in the spur of the moment he says the most hurtful thing he can think of— insinuating that Will is gay and/or that’s a bad thing. Obviously he immediately regrets it and goes after Will, but this decision (like a lot of his other decisions) is very impulsive. He can also be cruel to other characters in the show, including his mom, Lucas, Max and Nancy.

• He blows up on his family quite a lot/has outbursts of anger! This is seen at the dinner table in quite a few episodes, or at El when she is “wrong” about Will being alive or when she accidentally hurts Lucas really bad and Mike has… a few choice words to say to her about it.

• Struggle with authoritative figures; Hopper. That’s all I’ll say.

• once again the disregard for his emotions from his family due to him being “the man of the house” or at least growing into that title as his dad becomes more and more distant.

He shows his love in extreme ways.

• a huge lack of self preservation skills (or even “suicidal” tendencies as the DSM-5 would call it) when he literally jumps off of a cliff to save Dustin from bullies with no regard for how this could hurt him. This is also an Impulsive behaviour!! He obviously cares so greatly about his friends that he is willing to do anything for them.

• Sleeping by Will’s bed when Will is struggling, ‘saving him’ on Halloween, constantly checking up on Will, obsessing over Will’s well being (especially before El becomes his FP). Don’t even get me started on the “Crazy together” scene!

• I think his saviour complex is to cover up an inferiority complex but that’s honestly off my own back I don’t have much to back that idea up.

• He’s beyond nasty to Max because he’s scared his friends will abandon him when she joins the party!

• trouble explaining his emotions! He feels a lot but struggles to label them— aka when he tries to tell El he loves her but can’t figure out what words to say, or even if he feels certain it is love.

• Gift giving to apologise (going to the mall and trying to find a gift for El)

• Suggesting that he is the only person that cares about El and her well being, which is obviously not true but it is very much black and white thinking.

• “what if you want to join another party?” Is also a very ‘please don’t abandon me’ line hdjjdksks

—

That’s all I can think of off of the top of my head for now, but I hope these make sense!

Another quick disclaimer; all of these head-canons are based off of the canon show plot, meaning Mike is 12-15 in this! Doctors will not diagnose anyone under 18 with BPD as a lot of the symptoms are similar to just normal teenage hormones and puberty and all that! I’m not saying he HAS got it, I’m just backing up my own hcs and coping!! I was diagnosed with BPD at 17 despite the under 18 rule, and I had been experiencing symptoms since I was very young!

#tw; mental illness #byler #byeler #stranger things #will byers #mike wheeler #BPD #mike wheeler kinnies #Mike wheeler BPD #stranger things headcanons #mental health #bpd rep #just my thoughts

[onceuponastory]

Coming Back Home - Chapter Six: The Only Exception

And up until now I had sworn to myself That I'm content with loneliness Because none of it was ever worth the risk But you are the only exception

the only exception: paramore

Plot: Six years ago, Y/N left her hometown and all its bad memories behind, and never looked back. But now, she’s come back to be the maid of honour in her sister’s wedding. Returning ‘home’ means she has to confront her past, the last thing she wants to do. When she meets the handsome best man Nick, she feels more comfortable…until her sister asks her to show Nick around town…a town that Y/N fell out of love with a long time ago.

Can Y/N fall back in love with the town she left behind, and maybe find love of her own along the way? (based on prompt by @orphicodysseywrites​)

Tag List: @shinydixon​, @baker151910​ and @thesundrop​. Let me know if you want to be added!

Warnings: Some mentions of alcohol, death, abandonment and another panic attack.

Note: Happy Valentine’s Day weekend my loves! I know it’s Valentine’s tomorrow, but I’m working, so wanted to get this out today. This chapter is LOOOOONG, so enjoy ;)

Read the other parts / Read this story on Wattpad!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Nick or his character! I just used Nick bc he’s the only character of Dacre’s that fits this prompt. Aside from Nick being in this, this fic has NOTHING to do with The Broken Hearts Gallery. But you should all see the movie if you can, because it’s adorable!

Y/N’s POV

“I’ll help her deal with this. Don’t want any issues, like last time.” I give Nick a knowing look, making him laugh. Leaving the room, and walking towards the front door, I expect to see a member of the groom party or the florist standing there, looking sheepish. But when I approach the door, I don’t recognise the person standing there. Katie looks over at me, her face pale and her eyes wide.

“Y/N....” She begins.

“Y/N!” The man smiles, cutting her off. He looks at me expectantly. “What, don’t you recognise me?” He asks. Frowning, I step closer, ready to tell him that I really don’t know who he is, and I’m sorry, but he has to....I stop my train of thought the second I see his eyes. My eyes. The same coloured and shaped eyes stare back at me. My heart almost drops out of my chest. It can’t be...can it? 

“D...Dad?” I stammer. His face lights up immediately, confirming my worst fears. “Oh my GOD!” I exclaim, moving closer to stand beside Katie. Protectively, I grab her hand, squeezing onto it tightly. I can’t believe he’s here. I feel like if I close my eyes and pinch myself, I’ll wake up from this nightmare. But I try it a few times, and everytime I open my eyes, he’s still there. Part of me knows I’m being dramatic, and should just stop...but what would you do if the man who abandoned you weeks after your mother died and barely had anything to do with you our your sister came back into your life? I can hear the noise of Adam and Nick walking up to us and speaking to our Dad, but most of their discussion is blocked out. All I can hear is the word “daughters”. Daughters. He has no right to call us his daughters, especially after abandoning us. 

“Dad? What are you doing here?” Katie asks. He looks at us like we’re stupid for even asking him that.

“Don’t be silly! I’m here to attend your wedding!” He grins, making me confused.

“But you told me that you didn’t-” I begin, but he walks into the house and starts walking up to us before I can even finish my sentence. Protectively, I tighten my grip on Katie’s hand. “No, Dad, you can’t just walk in-” I try to say again, but he ignores me, and comes closer towards us. I open my mouth again, but he cuts me off.

“God, you look so much like your mother Y/N.” He smiles. Jane’s words echo in my head as he says it. I wish people would stop saying that to me. I didn’t even remember my mother that well. The only memory I have of her is her dying, then my Dad abandoning us soon after. Maybe that’s why he left. Because I look too much like my mom. He reaches out to touch my face, and I instinctively step back, uncomfortable with him being anywhere near me, let alone touching my face. He frowns, but instead of saying anything, he looks over at Katie. “So, Katie.” He grins, staring down at us. “What do you say? How about a hug for your old man?” 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” I whisper.

“Um...” Katie’s silent for a moment, before removing her hand from my grasp and slowly walking into our Dad’s embrace. “There you are. My beautiful daughter. My beautiful bride.” He smiles, pulling her close into a hug. My heart twists at that. This is what Katie deserved her whole life...and what I deserved too.  I don’t even register Nick moving closer and standing beside me until I hear: 

“You okay?” He whispers. I nod. To be honest, i wasn’t sure if I was okay. Part of me was hopeful that our Dad coming back would mean a change of heart, and a new beginning for us...but another part was worried he’d leave us again, and we’d be right back to square one. After all, he may be a piece of shit who abandoned us...but he was still our Dad. And even though I had known for a long time that it was worthless trying to get him to pay attention to us, or to show us love and support...part of me was still a little kid who wanted her Dad. My Dad pulls away from Katie and looks at me.

“Is it worth me asking for a hug?” He asks. I blink, surprised. “You know Y/N, you were quite rude to me on the phone a few weeks ago. I mean, I’m here now, aren’t I? I do care.” He almost hisses the last two words out, in a clear attempt to make me feel bad for my choice of words and accusations. Katie looks horrified. Our Dad plasters on a smile again, and turns back to Katie. “So, darling. Ready for me to give you away in a few days?” Katie’s face flushes.

“Um, you see Dad, the thing is......” She begins, her voice shaking with nerves. Adam steps closer and wraps his arm around her. Protectiveness washes over me again. 

“I’m doing it.” I reply, stopping Katie from saying another word. Our Dad’s eyes go wide, and he splutters.

“What? You?”

“Yes Dad. Me. I’m giving her away, and dancing with her at the wedding.” Our Dad is silent for a moment, then he starts laughing. 

“Well, you won’t need to do that anymore. That’s the father of the bride’s job, and I’m here now, so you can go back to...whatever the hell it is that you’re doing.” I open my mouth to respond, but before I can, Katie steps in, her voice stronger.

“No. No Dad, I want Y/N to do it. She’s been in my life the longest, and I want her.” She gives me a reassuring smile. She takes a deep breath. “You can still come to the wedding, I’m sure we can find you a seat somewhere...but I want my sister to give me away.” Our Dad starts sighing and shaking his head.

“I knew this would happen.” He states. “I knew your Grandmother would turn you both against me. That bitch never fucking liked me.”

“I wonder why!” I say before I can stop myself. The anger of the last twenty one years that’s been building up within me is clearly spilling over. “Gee, maybe it’s because you gave us up two weeks after her daughter died! And you just dumped us on her doorstep!”

“That’s not fair. It was hard work looking after you both on my own.” He argues back, pointing at me. “I did the best thing for you both by bringing you here. I did it because I cared about you two.”

“That might be true, but that’s not how I remember it.” I reply, having no idea where this new confidence is coming from. “I remember you telling Nana that ‘this shithole’ was the best place for us, and saying you didn’t care what happened to us after that. Also there’s the fact that you didn’t bother to contact us after that. So please, don’t act like you care about us all of a sudden.” My Dad steps closer, and Nick protectively moves closer to me. 

“How dare you. I gave you birthday and Christmas presents!” My Dad responds. 

“Yeah! On the wrong days!” I step closer to him.

“No, just-” Nick starts, but I continue regardless. I get closer, so close I can almost smell the alcohol on his breath. 

“Tell me, Dad.” I begin, hissing the word Dad. “When’s my birthday? When’s Katie’s?” He’s silent, and I cock my head, trying to ignore the pain of the fact that my Dad really doesn’t care about us. “Oh, was that too hard? Let me ask some more. Maybe they’ll be easier. What’s my favourite colour? What did Katie study at college? What did I study? Where do I live?” He doesn’t respond to any of them, and I laugh sarcastically. “And there it is everyone! The father who claims to love and care about his children, but doesn’t know a single thing about them!” I lean in closer to his face, slowly turning angrier. “Don’t you dare call our Nana a bitch when she did more for us than you ever did. She didn’t poison us against you, we realised for ourselves that you’re an asshole who never cared about us. We may be related to you by blood, but we are not your daughters.” I hiss. He’s silent, and I feel Nick gently pulling me back towards him. He protectively steps in front of me, slightly shielding me with his body just incase my Dad tries anything. My Dad finally speaks.

Nick’s POV

“See, this is the reason why I left you two. You’re so....dramatic Y/N. It’s annoying. And I guess I was wrong. It wasn’t your Grandma who poisoned you against me...it was you!” He points at Y/N. "You’ve ruined my relationship with my daughter. I can’t believe you’d be so...spiteful!”

“But...I’m your daughter too.” Y/N states, her voice quieter and shaky. I look over at her. Her face looks crushed, just like it did when we both had our argument. Anger grows within, and I step forward. I hate seeing Y/N like that, especially because it was my fault the first time. But now, I could help her.

“Don’t talk to her like that.” I order.

“Nick, don’t-” Y/N begins, but her father stops her. 

“And who do you think you are?” He asks. He steps closer, and I can smell the beer on his breath. 

“A friend of your daughters. But, given what Y/N’s told me, and what we’ve just heard, I think calling you a father is a bit of a stretch.” I reply. Rage grows on the man’s face even more. “By the way, in case you’ve forgotten, Mr Father of the Year, your daughters were four and two when you abandoned them here. I hardly think that’s their fault, don’t you?” The man scoffs.

“Listen, buddy. You don’t know anything about this situation, so butt out.” 

“No, actually. I know a lot about this situation, and I actually care about your daughters and their wellbeing, which is more than I can say about you, who’s blaming a four year old for why she and her sister were abandoned by you, and why they resent you for that.” Katie moves to stand beside Y/N, and wraps her arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. Adam stands beside me, helping to protect the girls from their father. “And on that note, despite everything you did to them, both Y/N and Katie still had the decency to ask if you were coming to the wedding, which is more decency than you deserve. And you have the nerve to accuse Y/N of trying to ruin her sister’s life and relationship with you? All she’s done throughout her life is try to make her sister happy. And that includes inviting you, when she had no idea if you’d even show up. If you had stuck around, you would know how good a person she is.” Their Dad scoffs again.

“And why do you care so much?” 

“Because I care about your daughter. A lot, actually.” I say, not even caring if this destroys my friendship with Y/N, or if she doesn’t like me back in that way. “I’ve only known her for about three weeks, and I already know what a beautiful person she is, both inside and out. If you can’t see that, then that’s your problem.” I feel someone squeezing my hand from behind me, and I turn back around to see Y/N staring at me, her eyes glistening with tears...but still looking grateful. 

“Thank you.” She mouths at me, and my heart swells. Even if she doesn’t like me back, that feeling is more than enough.

Y/N’s POV

Hearing Nick standing up for me makes my heart sing, and I almost start crying. The smile he gives me sends butterflies fluttering in my stomach. 

“Anyway, why don’t we hear what Katie has to say?” Nick continues, and I give her hand another squeeze. She replies, her voice a lot more confident.

“Dad, Y/N has been with me for as long as I can remember, and Nick’s right. All she’s ever wanted to do is make sure I’m happy. And I still want her to give me away. We’ll find a place for you to sit, but this is my decision.” She looks over at me, a big smile on her face. “And I choose my sister.” My heart swells all over again, and a few tears fall down my face. “But I’d love to have you at my wedding, Dad.” She smiles.

“I can’t believe this.” Our Dad scoffs, shaking his head. “The only reason why I came here was to give you away, and you won’t even let me have that?” He asks. “God, it wasn’t even worth coming here.”

“No, Dad wait-” Katie begins, her voice sounding sadder. My heart rate rises. He’s going to leave us again. I know it. “You can still come to the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding, it-”

“Don’t you get it? If I’ll just be a guest then I don’t want to come to the rehearsal dinner! Or to the wedding. If you don’t want me to do my job as the father of the bride, there’s no point me even being there, is there?!”

“But you said....” Katie trails off, her eyes filling with tears. My anger rises.

“Are you serious? So you’re going to leave us? Again? Just like that? Just because you won’t get the attention you will as father of the bride?” I ask, feeling tears begin to stream down my face. I was being abandoned. Again. But before I can even say anything else, or before our Dad can respond, Katie lets out an anguished cry, and she runs upstairs. I look back at the stairs, then back at my Dad. Part of me wants to argue, to tell him to go to hell and to never call himself our Dad again, but like Katie did....I choose my sister. “Katie! Katie, wait!” I call, running upstairs after her. Once I reach the landing, I look around, trying to see what room she’s in. But her sniffling soon draws me towards my bedroom. I open the door to see my sister curled up in my bed, her back to me. “Katie?” I ask softly, sitting beside her at the end of the bed. It breaks my heart to see her like this. This was the one thing I didn’t want to happen. But me phoning our Dad probably caused this. And now he had left us. Again. My heart was shattering all over again. “Katie?” I ask again, Katie moves aside wordlessly. Once I’m in bed beside her, she turns to face me, her face streaked with tears. Before I can even do anything, she lunges forward and pulls me into a hug. She bursts into tears, and as soon as she does, I start crying too.

“I’m sorry...I just couldn’t...I-” She stammers, gasping for air slightly. 

“Don’t be silly. You don’t have anything to apologise for. This whole thing is my fault.” I reply through my tears. Katie pulls away, and frowns at me. “I’m the one who called him, so that’ll be why he came here. And he’s right...what if it was my fault that he left us the first time? And now it’s my fault he’s gone again, and that he won’t be here for your wedding.” I sniff. “I’m so sorry Katie.” I cry. “I’ve ruined everything for you.”

“No, it’s not your fault. It’s never been your fault. I meant it. You’ve been here for me, ever since we were kids. Actually...” She sniffles again. “Remember when you beat up the bullies for me in the school playground?” She asks. A memory flashes into my mind. Some kids in my year had found out about our parents, and had made it their life’s mission to tease us. I tried not to let it bother me, but Katie had it the worst. She was so young, she couldn’t defend herself...which is why I shoved them over and punched them...as hard as seven year old me could, that is. “I thought it was so cool, my big sister standing up for me like that.” She continues.

“Yeah well...Nana didn’t think it was that cool.” I am immediately reminded of sitting beside my Nana in the Principal’s office, being lectured on how to behave, and how even though they may have provoked it, I had no right to fight back like that. “I mean, I fought hard in my defence. And maybe Nana did agree...she just never told me.” I chuckle slightly, and even Katie giggles too. “And then there was those times when you used to crawl into bed with me when you had nightmares, instead of Nana.” I remember.

“Nana was scary! Could you blame me?” She laughs. “Actually...it was like this. You, cuddling with me in your bed and singing to me or telling stories before I fell asleep. You used to tell me stories of two princesses who would finally get their happy ending.” 

“Wonder who they are.” Katie smiles. 

“Well, you were right. I’ve finally found my happy ending.” She looks back up at me. “Y/N. I know you think this whole thing was your fault, but trust me. It is not. You’ve been more like a mother to me than a big sister all my life, and I love you so much. You could’ve just ignored me or pretended that I didn’t exist, but you didn’t. You’ve cared for me all this time, and you still are caring for me. So, thank you.” She pulls me back into a hug, and the tears start flowing again. “It just sucks that he won’t be there. That he doesn’t care.” She sniffles, and I start crying again. She’s right. Having your Dad abandon you again does suck.

“I know. I’m sorry. But Adam, Nick and I will be beside you every step of the way. We love you so, so much.” I reassure her. The two of us lay in each other’s arms for a while, neither wanting to leave the other alone. 

~~~

Sometime later

The door opens, and Katie and I look over to see Adam and Nick standing there. Katie moves out of my embrace, and runs to Adam, who leads her out of the room, presumably towards their room. Nick sits on the bed as I sit up. “Is he gone?” I ask. Sighing, Nick nods, and I start crying again. “He’s left me again.” I gasp between tears, feeling my heart rate rising as my anxiety and abandonment issues kick in again, combined with the stress and the emotions from earlier. “He’s abandoned me. Again. He doesn’t want me anymore” I gasp, feeling myself starting to hyperventilate. “Nick, what if he’s right...w-what if it’s my fault? What if he left me because I look too much like my Mom? What if I was too much of a bad kid? I always wondered if it was my fault. Maybe it was.” I ask myself, speaking quickly. Nick moves closer to me.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s not your fault. It’s his.” He tells me.

“Please...don’t leave me....” I beg through my tears. “Please...don’t leave me alone. I can’t lose you too.” 

“I won’t leave you.” He tells me. “I’m here. It’s okay. You won’t lose me. Breathe with me, okay? In and out.” He holds out his hands in case I want to take them, and I take them both as I try to regulate my breathing. Nick stays with me, holding my hands and helping with my breathing until I calm down. 

“I’m sorry Nick.” I sniff. “I’m sorry I’m so...messed up.”

“Y/N. It’s okay. You’re not messed up. I told you. I care about you.” He smiles, gently rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. 

“I just can’t believe he doesn’t even know anything about Katie or I...that he doesn’t even care.” Nick sits with me as I let out all my emotions, continuing to hold my hands, cheer me up and hug me when I need it. After I feel like I’ve calmed down properly...or as much as I could, Nick lays beside me, and lets my head rest on his chest. We lay together in silence for a while. Well, it’s not exactly silence. I can hear the sound of Nick’s heartbeat, and the sound of the birds chirping outside. But it’s nice. I can smell the scent of his cologne, feel the warmth of his body as I rest my head on his chest, and the movement of his chest as he breathes in and out. It helps to ground me and calm me even more. Even though I had no idea of how long we’ve been lying here, I don’t care. In all honesty, I could keep laying there for the rest of my life. It’s comforting, and in a way...it feels like home. Like where I’m meant to be. My feelings for him, and my talk with Katie from a few days ago flash back into my mind. And with it, comes Nick telling my Dad about how much he cares about me. Did he really mean it? Like...in that way? “Nick?” I ask. 

“Mhm?”

“When you said you cared about me earlier...did you mean it?” I ask. He looks down at me. 

“Of course I did. You’re such a wonderful person Y/N, it’s hard not to care about you after spending time with you.” A smile spreads on my face. Should I tell him how I feel about him? I look up into his blue eyes, and my heart answers the question for me almost immediately. 

“Nick. Can I tell you something?” I ask. He nods. “The other day I...I um realised something.” My anxiety kicks in again, and I’m worried that he won’t feel the same. But it’s been weighing on me for so long...I just have to tell him. “I...Um. I think...” I take a breath to steel myself. “IthinkIhaveacrushonyou!” The words are all strung together at once, and Nick frowns, blinking at me as he tries to understand what I said. Suddenly, his eyes widen slightly. He’s clearly understood. “I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same, and please don’t feel obligated to feel the same. Especially after today. I won’t feel bad. I just-I just had to let it out! You’re just so-” Nick cuts me off by gently running his fingers down my cheek and jaw line. Without saying anything, he leans closer, and delicately kisses me on the lips. It feels like time stops in that moment. At first, I’m so in shock I don’t even respond, and Nick pulls back from me slightly, waiting to see what I’ll say. Instead of responding with words, my hands wrap around his shoulders, my hands tangling in his shirt, and his go around my waist as I kiss him back passionately. My heart starts pounding again...but in a good way. It feels really nice to finally be kissing Nick, like this is how things are meant to be. Also, ever since the first time we almost kissed, part of me has been hoping for this...and now it was finally here. And it’s better than I ever could have imagined. Thank god we’re laying in my bed, because if he had kissed me like that standing up, I probably would have fainted from how weak my knees feel right now. Nick pulls away from me, part of my lipgloss smeared on his lips.

“I’m so glad you said that.” He whispers, his voice husky. “I’ve felt the same about you for the past two weeks.” I smile, and my heart feels like it’s doing backflips. 

“Then please don’t stop kissing me.” I whisper back, and Nick quickly returns his lips to mine.

Maybe I’ll get my happy ending after all.

A/N: In case you’re wondering, YES. this fic will be continued. I’m still going to show the wedding :)

#nick x reader #the broken hearts gallery #dacre montgomery x reader #dacre montgomery fanfic #nick fanfiction #nick fanfic #nick x y/n #dacre montgomery #dacre x reader #dacre montgomery fic #fanfiction #fanfic

[tanzaniiite]

failure // domestic! bakugo

requests: CLOSED

warnings: mild angst!

word count: 2.4k

a/n: i’ve been reading a lot of domestic bakugou lately, so enjoy!

He thought he made himself pretty clear.

No dating until marriage, in your husband's eyes, it was a simple rule to abide by. You, on the other hand, understood your daughter's problem with her father's outrageous rule. "Dad! How am I suppose to get married if I don't date anyone?" Nakano, your eldest daughter, whined as her lips curled into a pout. Katsuki looked at her with a raised eyebrow, "Sounds like a personal problem" He replied, causing your daughter to pout even more. You sighed slightly, with Nakano's fifteenth birthday around the corner, your husband decided to take it upon himself to set a few ground rules for high school that was starting in two weeks. One of the major rules being; no dating.

"That's not fair, you started dating mom in high school!"

"Wrong. I knew her in high school, I started dating your mom a year after graduating"

You were too busy trying to help your other daughter, Emiko, with her homework but the argument rising in the kitchen was shifting your focus. "Why does Nana want to date boys anyway? They're gross" Emiko muttered, writing down another answer in her notebook. You smiled, Emiko was still in elementary school, of course, she wouldn't understand why this was such a big deal to her older sister. "You'll understand when you get older, baby" You whispered, pushing her ash-blonde hair behind her ear. The sweet moment between you and your youngest daughter didn't last long when the yelling started again. "Listen brat this isn't up for discussion. No dating, you need to focus on your studies, not some horny fuck boy" He stated sharply, the mere thought of a boy with his daughter was making his blood boil.

"Focus on what? I'm literally going to general studies, the only thing I need to "focus" on are my grades and that won't be a problem for me"

Ah, that was another thing. Your daughter applied to the hero course at UA and unfortunately didn't make the cut and was placed in General Studies. Although Nakano was a spitting image of her father, she was more reserved and less bitchy. But at the end of the day, she was still Katsuki's daughter and that fiery side could and would come out when provoked. Back in UA, you were actually in General Studies and so you tried to comfort her about the whole thing but you understood why she was upset. Being rejected was never easy.

"Exactly, focus on your grades and maybe your ass can get into the hero course next year!" Bakugou yelled, causing your daughter to fall silent. "Katsuki!" You shouted from the dining table, getting up making the chair scrape on the floor behind you. Of course, Bakugou wasn't happy that Nakano wasn't accepted into the hero course but surprisingly he seemed more disappointed than upset when the letter came in the mail. He didn't speak on the issue afterward so you figured he was just happy that Nakano got into UA at all. But now his true feelings were seeping through.

As you made your way to the kitchen, Bakugou whipped his head to turn to you. "What?! That's her problem now Y/n. She thinks she knows everything, when clearly she doesn't" He claimed while gesturing to your daughter. You glanced at Nakano, she was glaring at the floor and her fists were balled up. To the untrained eye, it would look like she was refraining from losing her temper. But you knew your daughter, you could see the small tears welling in her eyes. You ignored your husband and went to your daughter. "Hey baby, it's okay. C'mere" You cooed, pulling Nakano close to your chest and running your fingers through her hair. She didn't say anything as her arms wrapped around you but you could feel your shirt growing damp.

"Babe, stop coddling her. This is why she's so soft now-"

"Bakugou. Do me a favor: Shut. Up."

The ash-blonde has never closed his mouth quicker. The glare you were giving him was deadly and he knew he messed up. Emiko peeked into the kitchen, watching the scene unfold with extreme curiosity. "Nana, are you crying?" She asked loudly and bluntly. This caused Nakano to rip away from you and glare at her sibling with damp eyes. "No, I'm not!" She claimed, wiping her eyes harshly. Emiko just tilted her head, "But your eyes are wet" She pointed out. Nakano's glared hardened, "Ugh, just shut up!" She shouted, stomping out of the kitchen and upstairs to her room. It wasn't long before you heard her door slam shut.

You crossed your arms and stared at Bakugou. It didn't take a genius to figure out that you were upset. Katsuki huffed before turning to his youngest child, "Hey munchkin, go to your room real quick. Mommy and I need to talk about something" He said, jabbing a thumb towards the staircase. Emiko blinked at him, "But I need help with my homew-" She started. "Emiko, upstairs. Now please" You requested, your voice calm but serious. The little ash-blonde nodded and grabbed all her stuff and scurried up the stairs and into her room.

And then there were two.

"Baby I-"

"Don't "baby" me. Are you serious? Why would you bring that up? She already feels bad enough that she didn't get in. Why rub salt on the wound?" You inquired, your eyes filled to the brim with fury. It was no secret that your husband wanted your daughter to get into the hero course but he should happy that she got into UA in the first place. It wasn't exactly an easy school to get into. Bakugou sighed, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, "Yeah yeah, I know. It's just... she has a great quirk Y/n. She knows how to use it properly and she's a smart girl with so much potential. It doesn't make sense to me, that she flunked the entrance exam" He explained. You bit your lip nervously, Nakano had told you a while back that she failed the exam on purpose. She didn't want to be a hero, she saw how her father came home every day with new scars, how exhausted he was. She hated seeing him getting beaten up on TV. Sure, he always won but at what cost? Nakano decided from a fairly early age that she didn't want that life.

But she also explained to you that whenever her father talked about anything hero related, he was happy. She told you how ecstatic he was when they started training her body and quirk. How excited he was when she told him that she applied to his old high school. He was just over the moon whenever she brought up hero names and costume ideas. Nakano told you that she liked seeing him so passionate about something and didn't want to put a damper on his parade.

She didn't want to disappoint him.

You definitely knew what the pressure to please your parents felt like and how overwhelming it could be. Although you couldn't help but feel bad that your daughter felt like she could confide in you but not her father. You knew that Katsuki could be intimidating but she was his daughter and you told her that he would love her whether she wanted to be a hero or not. One could imagine her shock when her father showed how he truly felt about her not getting into the hero course. It's not like he said anything extremely harsh, but she could tell that he was annoyed that she didn't get into the course. And it was even more frustrating that she couldn't even tell him that she didn't want to be there in the first place.

"Unless she failed... on purpose"

You decided enough was enough, the truth was going to come out eventually. Your daughter couldn't keep this up for the next three years. Katsuki was stubborn and would demand an explanation each time she didn't get into the hero course. It was just better to come clean now. Bakugou's vermillion eyes looked to you, widened slightly. His shocked expression quickly faded as he chuckled, "Oh come on. Nakano wouldn't fail such an important test on purpose" He snorted. But when you didn't agree with him and just fiddled with your fingers, it all clicked. The ash-blonde grabbed your shoulder and looked into your eyes, "She didn't. Tell me she didn't fail that test on purpose" He asked, his eyes pleading that you were joking. You stayed silent. "Y/n! Tell me Nakano wouldn't do that" He asked again, with more anger behind his voice this time.

You looked at your husband and placed a hand on his cheek, in an attempt to calm him down. "She doesn't want to be a hero 'Suki" You muttered softly. He scoffed and pulled away from you. "Bullshit! Of course, she wants to be hero, why else would she ask me to train her? Nakano's always talking about hero names and costumes. Hell, she even said she wanted to intern at my agency. So why would she apply for the hero course just to fail it? That doesn't make sense Y/n!" He shouted, pacing the kitchen, getting angrier by the second. You mentally rolled your eyes, you knew he wouldn't believe you until he heard it from Nakano herself.

"Nakano baby, come downstairs please" You called out, running your fingers through your hair. It didn't take long for her to come downstairs. She was looking at the floor once again but this time she was wringing her hands instead of balling them into fists. With how loud Katsuki could be, there was no doubt that she heard his little rant. The truth was out. She looked up at you and you nodded to her father who was staring out the kitchen window, a string of curse words and other indecencies pouring out his mouth. You moved to the living room, this was a discussion that the two of them needed to have alone. However, you still wanted to be close by in case things got too heated.

"...daddy?"

Bakugou turned around, his eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was pulled into a deep frown. Nakano knew she was in for it but still waited for him to speak first. "Did you really fail the test on purpose?" He inquired, his tone surprisingly calm now. His daughter was more scared of this version of him, she honestly preferred the yelling and screaming, at least that was familiar. She nodded slightly, not breaking eye contact with him. Katsuki took a deep breath, he already snapped at her once today, he wasn't going to do it again. "And why the hell would you do that? I thought you wanted to be in the hero course" He pressed, trying to get answers without losing his temper. Unfortunately, he couldn't mask the annoyance in his tone. Nakano scratched her cheek slightly, "I.. um, I don't want to be a hero dad. I'm sorry I lied to you but you were so happy whenever we talked about it! I really am sorry, please don't be upset!" She exclaimed, catching her father off guard.

He just stared at her before running a hand down his face. "Why didn't you tell me? Why lie about it?" He asked, his eyes closed. Katsuki would be lying if he said he wasn't slightly hurt. He really thought his daughter wanted to become a hero and now she's telling him she doesn't want to? Bakugou couldn't help but feel upset, were all the conversations they had lies? Nakano seemed so excited at the time, what changed now? Was all the training they did going to go to waste? "I know there's no good reason for lying but talking about hero stuff always seemed to make you happy. Even when you were tired from work, you would still talk to me and train me. I know that's a bit selfish but I like spending time with you, we don't do much of that anymore" Nakano explained, referencing the increased crime rate in Japan.

Bakugou blinked, trying to process what the fuck was going on. It was true that he was at work more than he was at home for the past year, so he could understand where his daughter was coming from on that front. But.. he loved spending time with her, he didn't care what they talked about. "Oi. Look at me" He demanded, snapping his fingers lightly. Nakano looked at him, guilt written all over her face. Katsuki knew she felt bad for lying and that she wasn't bullshitting her apology. "You may be a brat, but you're my daughter and I like spending time with you. I don't give a fuck what we talk about. Why would you think we needed to talk about hero shit?" He asked, genuinely curious. Did he seem that passionate about his work? I mean, of course, he was but he didn't think he showed it.

"I don't know, it just seemed appropriate"

Nakano shrugged causing Katsuki to chuckle. He was still upset that she flunked the exam on purpose but a small part of him was proud that she still managed to get into the General Studies when she was deliberately trying to fail. Bakugou pulled his daughter close to him and ruffled her hair, "You're something else kid" He mumbled, kissing her forehead gently. Nakano looked up at him, her vermillion eyes staring into his matching ones.

"So are you mad?"

"Of course I am"

Nakano just hugged her dad's waist, she was aware that he had every right to be upset with her. But at the end of the day, Katsuki still loved his daughter more than life itself even when she did dumb shit like this. He decided he was going to let her off the hook this time (not that he would ever tell her that, he has a reputation to keep), and just celebrate all that she did accomplish, aka getting into General Studies. Bakugou couldn't help but smirk as he hugged his daughter back, because he knew if Nakano actually wanted to, she would've gotten into the hero course without a doubt. And that alone, made him the proudest dad in the world.

"But I swear if you fail another test: I'm gonna beat your ass. Got it?"

#boko no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha #mha #mha bnha #mha fandom #bnha fandom #bnha imagines #mha imagines #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bnha bakugou #mha bakugou #mha bakugo katsuki #bnha bakugo katsuki #bakugou katsuki #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bnha fic #my hero academia imagines #boko no hero academia scenarios #mha fanfiction #bnha scenarios #domestic bakugou #mha scenarios #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #bakugou imagine #bakugou headcanons #bakugou fanfiction

[thathumanwiththecatears]

I feel like venting so this will be way too much information about my life that i am sharing on the internet because why have a private diary when you can publicly scream your problems into the void

So basically, both of my parents kinda suck. They arent the worst, but they also just kinda suck :) So before i was born my parents had my sister. And between me and my sister my mom had a miscarriage. I dont know details of that, but i know it happened. I also know that my parents were not going to have me because of not just that but also they were already not getting along very well. But then they changed their mind for some god forsaken reason (i was not an accident i was planned) and now i exist.

My parents were at the point of hating each other before i was born. They divorced when i turned 18 literally, when i turned 18 my dad started slowly taking his stuff and moving out over a few months until he was fully gone and filed for divorce. I will talk about that later. But the point of saying that now, is that ny parents hated each other for 18 years, and for some fucking idiotic reason decided it was a good idea to stay together.

I have lived in three places. My first house was this apartment where it was a 2 family house, but like first floor second floor rather than next to each other. My family lived on the first floor, my cousins family lived on the second floor. My second place was the second floor of my grandparents house and now in my current apartment been here for like 8 years.

I am usually one to say i dont remember my childhood. Thats because i have repressed it. I have few memories and they are usually bad. My parents never “hit” me so to speak. Not in the /actual abuse/ way, but i was spanked and slapped by my mom. She likes to laugh about it to people still now. Thinks its funny that she could say ”do i need to take you to the ladies room?” To me and i would stop crying. One of the biggest phrases that sticks with me is “stop crying or i will give you a reason to cry” it still hurts even now just thinking about it. The number of times i could be crying over something that to me would be a lot and have that screamed at me with hand raised is just terrible.

A specific memory that i have is on i belive either my 5th or 6th birthday, i was wearing a velvet burgundy and black dress with buttons up the middle and matching burgundy headband. I dont rememver why, but i know that something upset me and i was crying, and i was yelled at to stop crying, and i remember sitting in my room before my party trying to stop crying and make myself look okay. I had a lot of birthdays like that. Kinda why i really dont like my birthday, but it also breaks my heart whenever my birthday is ruined, cause im always a little hopeful it wont be.

Some other memories i have involve being yelled at to clean. I had a lot of pressure on me and i was never good enough. Always did something wrong. I would cry at night and wish that i could just be perfect. I didnt wish things would stop happening, i wished i could become perfect and stop messing up and do everything that was asked of me. I had to do a lot. My sister didnt, my sister was the favorite. I have always known she was the favorite. Was always treated better, always had her side taken, always was the good child, the pretty child. I delt with a lot of anger and fighting with my sister, we really didnt get along. And i think part of the reason she was the favorite was because she would always intentionally make me mad so that i would end up fighting her. I punched and kicked her, she did the same to me but i was worse. I once had her locked into a corner and was hitting her until we got in trouble. I cried in the corner for a few hours after being the only one punished.

When i was little i had already been depressed and suicidal. When i was six i wanted to be left alone to die in my room. I locked myself in and cried with music playing. My mom screamed at me that i would be taken away. Being taken away was threatened a lot. And i remember her screaming asking me if that was what i wanted. And everytime in my head i screamed yes. But i said no on the outside.

I remember hearing screaming always. My parents were always fighting, over money mostly. My mom telling my dad how worthless he was and how he didnt provide for my family. And my dad wasn’t innocent. He could have done more, but he still didnt deserve the abusive words. He was told he was worthless for years. No one deserves that. They wouldnt just be screaming at each other though. They would be screaming at me and my sister too. I flinch whenever my door is opened still because of how my mom used to slam my door open and yell at me. I flinch a lot.

In middle school i mostly lived at my grandparents. With my parents also there though. My nana and papa lived downstairs and we lived upstairs, there was only one kitchen and bathroom though both downstairs so it wasnt like an apartment. This sucked too. My nana liked my sister better. Actually she was the favorite of all the cousins. We would all talk about it, well except her. My dad would also get into fights with my grandparents. They were my moms parents and because they sided with my mom for obvious reasons, he wouldnt get along with them always.

I remember specifically sleeping on the black leather couch while home sick, up in our living room on the second floor. Watching disney jr. i stayed home sick a lot. Not because i was sick but because i was too depressed to go to school and really good at pretending to be sick.

When in 8th grade my health teacher noticed that i was depressed. He was the first person to notice. And he had me show my parents a pamphlet about it. My mom took me to a therapist. But you see, im selectively mute. I didnt know yet though, so it just came across as not wanting to talk. My mom would go with me. She would always be there, she would talk for me. She and the therapist would talk about me as i sat there unable to speak screaming about how wrong they were in my head. Eventually it was just me in the room. But i still couldnt talk freely. My mom would be told everything. All of my issues stemmed from her. I tried to bring it up once. My mom cried, made it all about her, cried about how she was a terrible mother, i was forced to tell her she wasnt and push down all of my problems and just be forced to live with that just being how it is. I cant talk about it because i dont matter. My feelings didnt matter and they never will. My goal was to just make my mom happy and not worry about myself. I just had to be perfect.

My grandparents sold the house from underneath us and we were forced to find another place. My current place. I liked it when we got here it was nice. There was a time while living here where my mom didnt have a job. That sucked a lot. She was always home. Always yelling at me. I couldnt get away. I almost never leave my room now because i have become so accustomed to just being in it. I have a vivid memory here. My bed was on a different wall of my room. I dont remember what we were fighting about. But i think what happened might have actually gotten to my mom for once. She was screaming at me and i went into my room and she followed me. I ended up on my bed as far as i could get from her crunched up into a ball saying “please dont hit me” over abd over while crying. I dont remember what happened immediately after but i do remember she left and i cried a lot.

I also remember when my sister found a paper towel with blood on it in my room. She told my mom. The worst possible thing she could have done because it lead to screaming and making things worse. I was threatened to be sent away. A big theme in this whole thing, getting sent away. I have a big fear of that still. Fear of doctors and hospitals and therapists and mental hospitals. I was threatened with them so much so that makes sense.

Once me and my sister got in a fight with my mom together. My mom later decided it would be a good idea to call us both out and tell us about how ungrateful and terrible we were and that she clould just kick us out and that she didnt owe us anything. I had a panic attack. The first time i had ever had one in front of her. I couldnt breath. I sobbed. I went to my room and fell to the floor behind the door hysterically crying and panicking. She screamed at me to stop and threatened to call 911. That for obvious reasons made it worse and made me have to force myself to get words out begging her not to and to just leave me alone so that i could calm down. Which she hated because to her she just heard “go away” as if i was just being a bratt. I eventually managed to get myself calmed down enough to semi explain what happened and got away to my room alone.

As i said earlier my dad left when i turned 18. It broke my heart when i realized that it was literally because of the fact that i had turned 18. You see in my dads eyes, he couldnt leave sooner because he didnt want to walk out on me and my sister. I think if they had just divorced sooner things would have gone better. I wouldnt have had to deal with hearing screaming all night every night for my entire life if they had. But i can understand why he didn’t want to leave. He still could have left when i turned 18 in a better way though at least. He basically snuck out. Spent less and less time at home until he wasnt coming home until all his stuff was gone. I cried about it but i was glad he got away from my mom. But him getting away from my mom made life worse for me. She no longer had him to scream at, and she didnt scream at my sister as much, it was all concentrated to me. Everything was a reason to scream at me. It has died down now. Other than a few days ago when she threatened to take away my phone and laptop and basically all connections to the outside world. If she did i would have left. She refuses to actually let me get freedom. She is trying to hold on. I cant drive, i dont have a job, i dont have any money. She doesnt want me to leave. If i leave she doesnt have anyone to control anymore.

This obviously isnt my entire life and everything, but its just the stuff i thought of now. Its almost 8:30am and i havent slept, so i should probably do that now. But yeah. Thats my vent fo the day.

#personal #emotional abuse #abuse tw

[breg21]

Danny Phantom. The Ties That Free us-Chapter one

CH. 1! I am so excited for you guys to read this. This is the endgame for the series. Better buckle up, because trust me, there will have plenty of bumps along the way. Thank you for coming along on this wonderful journey with me as we discover just who Danielle and her family really are as characters and the stories they hold. It's been one hell of a ride. Without further ado, I give you: The Ties That Free Us. Disclaimer: I do not own Danny Phantom, Nickelodeon does.

Summary: Five years of peace. Something that Danielle never knew that she could have. But as the years passed, Danielle realized she wanted one thing: To pave her own path and the choices ahead. One filled with ghost fighting and the glory that came with it, the other a normal life with family. Which one would she choose? A life of living up to her dad's legacy and the burden that comes with it, could she even live up to that? Or does she want a life that she was denied the first two years of her life? So many choices, so little time. But then all her questions and fumblings in her head were put to a halt.

He returned. "Suprised I'm back?"

Danielle sighed, giving a long roll of her baby blues. "Surprised? Nah, not really. Annoyed? Definitely."

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12969270/1/The-Ties-That-Free-Us

"I'm gonna need you to stop the traffic light on Elm and Maple."

No answer.

"Aunt Jazz?"

No answer.

"Aunt Jazz!"

Her voice finally tore through the intercom. "Yeah yeah, I'm programming it as we speak. You are such your father's daughter. I don't have to do this, you know."

Was she serious right now? They were literally in the middle of a high-speed chase, and she chose now to be in a cranky mood. Danielle knew wedding planning was a hard job to do, but her parents weren't so stressed when they did it. Then again, they had a wedding planner, but Aunt Jazz had insisted that she and Uncle Roy did the whole thing with the family members’ opinions weighing them down, even though Nana and Papa Manson said they would happily pay for a planner.

With her anger seething under the surface, Danielle did her best to remain calm. But she knew it broke through some. "This is your job, or at least part-time!"

"Then I don't get paid enough."

That's it, I'm talking to uncle Roy about this. Sighing, she patted the D on her chest off, ending the conversation. Rolling her eyes, Danielle continued sailing through the sky, cutting through the hazy summer breeze that caressed her skin as she flew in the opposite direction that the wind was pushing for. Buildings blurred, blending into one another as she zoomed past.

Shoving her conversation with her aunt to the back of her mind, she honed in on the car. Danielle sighed in relief as the streetlights froze on red, halting all cars in additional to the one she was trailing. Good. This should be easy enough.

Car horns honked in confusion as people started exiting their vehicles to find out why every stoplight had turned red. Upon seeing Danielle soaring through the sky, mumbles of understanding briefly caught her ear as she passed the cars. She quickly ignored the cheering that started as citizens assumed her heroic duty.

She pressed the D on her chest thrice to contact everyone. "Okay, I have them in my sight. Mom, dad, I'll be sending them your way, so be ready." Both Danny and Sam mumbled something in agreement. Speeding up, Danielle easily increased momentum as her eyes locked onto her target—a sleek, black 2004 Mercedes. She turned invisible and without a warning, overshadowed the driver.

She quickly glanced to the side to see the passenger side occupied with a man with a ski mask; from what she could see from his hands, he had pale skin, greasy brown hair from the little tuffs that pushed out at the end of the mask, and ratty old clothing. His hand clutched the handle of the car door, hanging on as the car continued to swerve between lanes.

She kept peeking between him and the road to see him loosen his grip on the handle to try to open the door, only to be met with the friction of the lock as it resisted to release the door open.  The adrenaline that surged through his body only intensified as everything blurred past his window, his possessed friend driving unbelievably fast.

"Let me out please, I didn't want this in the first place; all I wanted was to save my little girl.”

Danielle looked at the masked man in confusion, only taking her eyes off of the road for a second. "Little girl?"

Even with all other cars stilled on the street, Danielle was still having trouble not crashing into other people.  She really preferred flying over driving.

"My 7-year-old daughter was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. My wife and I don't have the means to pay for her hospital bills so this shmuck," The masked man pointed the body that Danielle was now overshadowing. "Told me that if I helped him with a job that he would give me enough money for my daughters treatments, but I never wanted any of this. Now I'm not sure if I will ever see her again after this. Or my wife for that matter."

Poor guy. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Just how the world goes. Change of plans.

Danielle could see the guilt building up in his eyes as he continued to talk more to himself than anything. "Gosh, this was a mistake. I wish I could turn back time and take it all back."

Danielle once again looked at the man with the sparkle of an idea in her eye. she pressed the D on her chest and signaled her uncle Dan. "Hey, Dan Dan, you there?" Glancing in the rearview mirror, Danielle could see traffic starting up in small quantities.

Great.

A low growl could be heard over the intercom, making her force back a chuckle. "I told you not to call me that. What do you need, pipsqueak?"

Another car was successfully avoided. She gave a light tap to the gas with her foot. She was pushing sixty, but she needed to make it to her destination before traffic started completely back up. They wouldn't listen to the lights for long, no one ever did in Amity. With ghost attacks being an average thing, everyone was pretty numbed to travel laws. "I need a clock reversal in about ten minutes. Also, tell Dad and them to hold back. Plans have changed. I'll take care of it, just have them do the usual clean up of the city after."

"You know, she's not going to like that."

She rolled her eyes, trying to keep a steady steer with the wheel. This guy’s muscular hands were a pain to control. "Yeah, well unlike the rest of us at the moment, she has the time."

He sighed, but seemed to relent. "Fine, but you owe me. And don't think pizza can buy your way out of this mess like it used to. Nothing in Amity compares to authentic Chicago."

Another car passed, only this one had been driving in her lane and missed her by a beat— and yes, she was in the wrong lane, but if people would listen to the stupid lights, that wouldn't have happened—idiot.

"Stop drooling and get her here. And make it fast!" Danielle yelled as she nearly hit an oncoming charter bus.

The passenger, who was frozen to his seat the entire time, became animated once more.  He even ripped his mask off, not caring that she would be able to identify him now.

With that, he yelled, "What the heck! I thought a superhero would know how to drive properly!"

She shot him a warning glare, getting a glimpse of his soft structured cheeks, clean chiseled jawline, and oddly crooked nose, before returning her eyes on the road ahead of her. "Hey, I'm trying to help you out here, could you dial back the criticism just a bit."

He didn't look at all convinced as headlights reflected off of the windshield. She thankfully dogged it at the last minute, however, and she could see the relief sag into his shoulders.

With a slight scowl she added, "Besides, I do know how to drive. I was just taught by my Grandpa, that's all."

That relief was short lived as she did her best to swerve past the remaining traffic on the streets as more moving cars showed up. While keeping one hand on the steering wheel, she shifted the upper portion of her body out of the window.

She shouted to the sea of cars, "Come on, people! Ugh, you’d think people would recognize a red light!”

Just another normal day in my life. I wonder how grandma's doing in New York, I hope she's doing okay.

Realizing that she should focus on her task on hand, Danielle tried not to laugh as he gave her a sideways glance.

Out of nowhere, he said, "You have a lot of anger issues. You know, my therapist told me that when you're under stress it's best to— Oh sweet Mother Teresa!"

An oncoming eighteen wheeler was about to make a collision with them head-on. Danielle placed her hands on the dash of the car, causing it to phase through the oncoming truck narrowly escaping death.  

With his back glued against the leather seat, and feet firmly planted on the floor of the car, he cracked his head to the side just enough to look at Danielle with eyes opened in fear. Breathing in a sigh of relief, she said, "Woah, that was close."

Danielle shifted her eyes to the passenger to see a look of frustration on his face, eyes screaming at her as he stilled against the car seat.

"Why didn't you just do that before?" he said.

She swiveled the car, just slightly out of spite; she may have been helping him, but he couldn't comprehend the hardships of her job.

"Do you know how much energy it takes it takes to temporarily shift an entire car to another dimension?! No? Then zip it!"

Sending a sharp glare to her, he grumbled out, "You know, your bedside manner could use some adjusting."

"That's not what your mom said last night!"

Danielle heard the all too familiar voice of her youngest brother— he looked to be around fifteen, maybe sixteen if she had to guess— from the future as he kept pace with the speeding car. A time medallion hung largely around his neck. Danielle somehow smiled out of her annoyance. "So, if you're here Speedy, that means Lily is too?"

"Ten-four, big sis! Why aren't you breaking?"

She did as requested, putting pressure on the break, but instead of the car coming to a rolling stop, the petal wouldn't budge. It wouldn't allow her to slow down the car so much as a couple miles, no matter how much weight she put on it. Her eyes snapped to DJ's, fear contorting her face.

Oh, no.

"Uh kid, we have a problem."

Still keeping pace, and yelling over the rapid wind that pressed against them, he tried his best to reassure his sister. "Don't worry, I got ya. Your ride is nice, but it's a bit heavy for my taste."

DJ quickly became a green blurred circle around them as piece by piece the car slowly was dismantled; as each part was removed their speed slowed down, until all that was left was the frame and the two people hugging in the front seat.

Danielle, who was too busy consoling the crying adult in her arms, did not realize that they were now stilled. She awkwardly patted his back and shushing him over his shoulder as snot soaked into her suit. "It's okay, it's okay. We'll do everything we can to help you and your family out."

Tears and snot now ran down the man's face as he pulled back from the embrace. "She's my whole world. I would do anything for her."

DJ just looked at the two in confusion. "So um... You're welcome?"

Unbuckling the seatbelt that still remained strapped around her torso, she floated over to her younger sibling. Stepping out of the one man's body, she easily made a wad of ectoplasm, tied him up, and kept him close in case he woke.

She then turned to her brother. "Hey Speedy, before you take off, I think we're going to need you to do your magic.”

His crystal eyes that matched his sister’s widened in horror, his weightless steps easily propelling himself backward several feet. "Oh no... Every time we do one of those, you punch me way too hard."

She scoffed at DJ's cowardliness. "Come on twerp, you can take it."

"I'm so telling on you to Mom and Dad."

"Yeah yeah, just hurry up before the police get here."

DJ was much better at possessions than she was. Even though she could move the body, it never came naturally to her like it did to DJ, and even like her father. The problem was, DJ got too into it, relishing in his power, so she frequently had to knock him out for him to be able to separate from the body.

The former bank robber, Danielle had yet to catch his name, came stumbling from the leftover car, still shaken. "Wait, why the heck is he grinning!?" the man asked in total fear of the smirk on DJ’s face. He did enjoy overshadowing a little too much, in her opinion.

DJ quickly overshadowed the raggedy man, making him float ominously in the air just as the police showed up. "I am OVERKILL and you will all bow before me, puny humans!"

She didn’t understand why DJ idolized her uncle so much.

That was the moment that the police decided to arrive. They had always done their best to protect the town as a whole but there were just some things everyday people—with or without ecto guns—could handle.

Danielle looked on for a moment as the police had surrounded them, circling almost the entire block, with their weapons at the ready. "Aim!"

That's when she took her queue, jumping in front of the officers before they could move their weapons.

Using her best heroic voice that her dad had taught her, much to her mom's embarrassment, she called out, "Wait! This ghost has clearly possessed an innocent man. If you fire upon him, you would be hurting someone who had nothing to do with the crime that was committed!"

DJ looked to the people below him as he flew just a bit higher, in the unlikely case they started to shoot at him. "Silence, puny hero! Or else you will feel my awesome might, the likes of which your tiny mind could not begin to comprehend!"

And he wonders why I hit him so hard.

Danielle zoomed to her little brother,  punching him right out of the man's body as he dropped safely to the cushioned car seat DJ had been floating above. "You just made this so much easier, Overkill!" Danielle quickly threw DJ to the ground.

The hero's voice was becoming too much, even to her own ears, but she wanted to sell it. If they weren't convinced, they would be in deep trouble. She was beginning to understand why her mom hated it so much.

She yelled to him, "It's over, Mr. Overkill!" If I say that name one more time, I will put some force into my punch. "I have been waiting to capture you for a long time. Now, taste ghost justice, you fiend!"

She gave DJ a knowing smile as he just froze in place, eyes narrowing as he laid crushed up on the seat.  "Really...?"

Danielle wasted no time in taking out her Fenton Thermos and encased her speedy brother inside.

One officer out of the bunch walked up to Danielle, almost no color dampened his face, it was almost as if he had... seen a ghost. Heh, I'm too much like my dad.

The way officer’s adam’s apple bobbled up and down while he tried to force his words out was hilarious. "Thanks again, Danielle. Normally, we can handle these sort of issues but I have to admit we had no idea that man was overshadowed. Thank you for your service."

Then the man that Danielle hadn't possessed began to stir on the car seat. His head swayed a bit before he shifted from his resting spot against the seat. His hand flew to his head as he tried to steady his surroundings. "Ugh, what happened, and why do I smell like Axe? Wasn't I just-"

Before he could continue, Danielle interrupted, using the same voice that she had used on the officers. "Yes, we know. This foul man came to your door with a plan to rob a bank, and the ghost overshadowing you made you agree to this man's criminal plan. But worry not proud citizen, you are free from his tyranny and can go back to your normal life. Now come with me! We must make sure he did not leave any unwanted side effects."

Gosh, I sound like an extremely patriotic muppet.

Danielle took the man back to Fenton Works where Lilith and Tucker were waiting for her, Tucker stood uncomfortably in the corner, while Lilith sat on the couch with a face void of emotion. The rest of her family was still out, doing their usual rounds after something like this happened to make sure every citizen was okay.

Danielle could tell that she was definitely masking her anger. "So sis, who is he?"

Well.

I'm in trouble.

She strode over to Tucker, shielding herself behind her boyfriend, who stood several feet away from her younger sister.

Her lips fell into a sheepish smile. "He's someone who could use a break. I promised I would help him and his family."

Pushing herself from the couch, Lilith stalked over to the two, arms crossed and eyebrows raised: the very embodiment of fear itself. "So, what do you want me to do? I can't just rewrite today, otherwise this whole scenario will just get time tangled."

Tucker's body stiffened as Lilith neared them, but immediately relaxed under Danielle's touch as she began to rub little circles in the small of his back. It was the little things. "Yeah I know, also find a better name than time tangled. But what I need you to do is go back and alter his crook buddy’s memories to make sure that when the police interrogate him, he doesn’t remember this guy here..."

She paused for a moment, eyes going to the man awkwardly standing at the entryway of the door. "What's your name by the way?"

Danielle watched as heat flooded his face, eyes went to the blue carpet of the house,  his messy brown locks shielding his face. He refused to meet anyone's gaze. "It's Mattaniah, Herington the third." The toe of his shoe started to dig an invisible hole into the floor.

A few dry chuckles left her boyfriend's lips. "Wow, did three generations hate their kids that much to name them Mattaniah?"

His head snapped up, but he still wouldn't set his eyes on them. "It has a very old meaning to it, but yes it's very ridiculous."

Danielle moved out from Tucker's protective shielding. "Anyway, we need his friend to think he really was overshadowed."

She watched as Lilith sighed, shaking her head in defeat. "Fine, we'll take him home first and I'll go do the rest myself. Don't think I'm coming back too often though. We like to help out when we can—we're family after all—but protecting the city is your job as of right now. I'm not even conceived yet."

He looked at Danielle and Lilith, finally meeting their eyes. Confusion overtook his whole expression. "Why are you two doing all this for me, for my family?"

Danielle smiled, clapping him roughly on the back. "Well Matthan, Matten-" Her mind became a jumbled mess as she tried to say his name correctly. She failed, miserably.  "You know what, I'm just going to call you M. We're very big on second chances in this family." She pushed him towards her sister.

Lilith opened a portal to go back in time but before she does she looked back at M, a secret grin overtaking her lips. "Just don't blow up any fast food places and we'll be good."

"Fast food places?" he said in confusion, looking back to Danielle for an explanation, who didn’t respond.

Lilith shrugged, looking between Danielle and Tucker, shooting them a wink in a play. "It's an inside joke. Now come on, let's get you back to your family."

Danielle walked into the man's home, to see the place he was living in was not exactly glamorous. The house was old and almost looked condemned, with wooden boards that hung from the ceilings; some had scratches woven into the aged planks. In one part of the apartment there a large wall decorated with exposed brick, and chipped pieces fell effortlessly to the floor. It was absolutely disgusting.

"Wow... this is....um.... a nice home."

Danielle's hesitant smile held no genuine warmth, even though she pushed all her energy into it. It was half done, and it settled wrongly on her lips. In truth, even she knew it fit in an uneasy way, without the use of a mirror. Oh well. Never have been the best liar.

A weak smile spread on his lips, guilt swelling his eyes. "You don't have to lie to make me feel better. It's falling apart from all fronts, but it's what we got. It didn't always use to be like this but..."

The edge of Danielle's mouth turned down in a small frown. "What happened?"

He sighed. "I used to be the head of a large computer company, then one day there was some weird computer malfunction. I thought it was nothing, but when my company investigated, it said that I had been embezzling money from the company since near the beginning, but I never did anything of the sort. They threw me in jail, and when I got out I found out my company was bought out by Vlad Masters of all people, at a dirt cheap price."

Anger constricted her eyes, making them narrow in tight slants as her mind began to race. Of course Vlad had ruined this man's life. Now the monster was up in space and this guy had to live with what he did every day. She wanted to help more than ever now. She knew what it felt like to be manipulated by Vlad.

His squeaky voice was hollow. "Now because of my criminal record, no well-paying job will hire me. It's hard to think how one little computer error could change my family’s life so much. But if there is one thing that has been keeping me going, it's my girls at home. It just hit me that much harder when we got that diagnosis though. Please just promise me that if you tell her about helping us you won't give her any false hope."

They don't deserve this. No one does.

Danielle glanced around to see cobwebs and what she thought might have been specks of mold. This time her lips turned up into a loose warm, heartfelt smile. "Listen, I know a great charity that would help. Actually, I have their card, take a look." Handing him a card, he gave it a once over.

Reading it aloud, his eyebrows rose in confusion. “Sam Fenton Charities. Helping people in need of homes.” His eyes went up to meet hers. “Your mom has a charity operation?”

"Hey, um, yeah. She’s been doing for years now. She really loves to give back to people. I’m sure the staff would be willing to help repair and help get you on your feet."

His eyes shifted as pondered her offer. "I don’t know…. What about paying them back? I don’t know how we’d ever be able to do that.”

Placing a gentle hand on his upper bicep, she offered again. "Please, it wouldn't be a problem. It’s a non-profit, so it doesn’t charge period. If you want to pay back, you can volunteer. My mom opened this charity to be able to help people.”

He scanned the room, seeing the scattered remains of garbage littering the floor. "I don't know. It seems too good to be true." Out of nowhere, a piece of ceiling crashed down; Danielle let it phase through her to the floor while giving M a sly look. "I'll let the girls know.

After Danielle waved goodbye to her brother and sister after the portal closed, she transformed back to human, and started to shuffle her way to the stairs that led back up to the kitchen.

With each step, she didn’t want to admit the worries that today held. It had been so easy for DJ to do what he did, and while she was proud of what he— what they— had accomplished, it made her pause. Would she be able to do something like he did so easily?

Another thought struck her.

Did she even want that?

Oh well, another thought for another day.

Woot woot! First chapter completed. I hope you guys enjoy! And while Lilith and DJ won’t really show up much in this story, they will only play one big part later on. Please leave a review if you could. Love you guys!! Shout out to my beta reader, silente faery.

#Danny Phantom #dani phantom #danny fenton #Dan Phantom #sam manson #Tucker Foley #fanfiction

[falling-mist]

This is a vent post to be real (dont rb please?)

So my sister wants me to tell my parents that shes a girl but she hasnt given me a date to do it by and i have no clue how to do it and like of she gave me a date id probs be able to do it but i cant even come out to them so its not great like yeah i told them im probs a lesbian and asexual (even tho they dont believe im ace which is Not Fun to put it lightly) but like my mom went are you not telling us dtuff about your gender and i just went i dont know like technically yeah im totally not telling you thatd id like for you to use they/them as well as she/her pronouns for me but also she/her is ok and sometimes they refer to me as their child instead of their daughter which is cool but like i cannot do it without disconnecting my mouth from my brain and making my mouth spit out the words while my brain goes wtf wtf wtf the entire time Also schoolwork is so bad i dont know when stuff is due and if i watch the class thats one plus and if i take notes thats like amazing and like i used to be good at school but now (mostly cause of the pandemic and living at home) i cant focus on shit right now and i have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow and i have to say i planning on dropping english cause i havent been doing the assignments and most of my classes i have no clue when the homework is due which leads to me forgetting and then not doing it and also i think im dropping out of honors just cause i cant focus in shit Also i thought i had covid like 3 times (all were false some due to allergies, or allergy medication causing my heart to both beat really fast and also give me insomnia or just stress) which did not help the schoolwork at all And my sister is depressed so shes talking about suicide or saying she doesnt want to be here (which might be passively suicidal or suicidal idealization idk) and sometimes saying stuff like you dont care about me or like you shouldnt care about me but i do and its both terrifying and scary that i cant convince her that we all do love her because shes her and not for any other reason and thats shes not annoying or even if she is that doesn’t mean we dont love her and it similar with my grandmother whos living with us except with her she wants to talk politics all the time and shes pro trump so thats a shitshow already and like we try to have a discussion but it always ends with everything you say is false and a lie and you dont love me and im a burden and stuff like that which i get is ingrained in her cause her parents and siblings were basicaly abusive to her but some stuff she says like about my granddad who i never knew but my mom did or my poppop /my poppops family is just blantent lies or just wrong and like she misses my aunt (who died in her final year of college (just like me so im honestly worried that that might happen to me as well) but like she hasnt/cant move on from her but also she compares me to her and i cant argue cause i didnt know her and maybe i am like her but i am my own person and thankfully my mom makes sure i know that but like sometimes im worried she thinks im her or im her ‘reincarnation’ which once again im not and im the ‘golden child’ in her eyes so i can do no wrong despite me saying time and time again that im not perfect i have issues and like some of it is just that im nice to her but also some of that is my parents going help nana and so i do and i guess im ‘naturally kind’ but just im not sunshine im not perfect i just dont show anger well and thus compared to the rest of my family im sunshine but like sometimes its just like whats anger going to do honestly im more likely to despair than to get angry which might say alot about me but :( Theres probably more but this is what i got right now

#if you have advice id love to hear it #vent #vent post #idk #this was supposed to help me figure out my thoughts about what im doing with my advisor meeting tomorrow but #well i know why im not doing my hw now

[jetpackturtlesfanservice]

HAPPY NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH DAY!

I figured I'd tell about my experience with mental health issues. I've always been an anxious child, but I never learned about how to properly deal with it. So my anxiety went unnoticed by the majority of my family and myself. A lot of my family members had/still have a nasty habit of accidentally or unintentionally abusing me. Not physically (thank the lord), but I was once slapped by my father over something minor. It was mostly mental and emotional. I developed a mentality that my "purpose" was to keep everyone else happy. My brain was rewired to think that my happiness didn't matter compared to everyone else's. All from unintentional abuse. It wasn't until my first suicide attempt in the 7th grade that made me realize that something was wrong with me. I never told anyone, nobody knew about the middle school attempts until my senior year what I told my little sister/bestie (@writer-nana-chan).

I finally got checked out by a therapist when I was in my junior year. All because of a really harsh breakup. The guy I was with was very emotional and mentally abusive. It ruined my already tainted state of mind. I told the school counselor that I had been having thoughts of suicide. Those thoughts were normal for me to have every now and again, but they were coming in so frequently and so much more gruesome every day that passed. It ranged from stabbing myself in the middle of my cooking class while riding the bus to school, to strangling myself with my headphones in the girls restroom. The counselor called my mother out of concern for my safety and I finally felt like someone cared about me. I felt for just a brief moment that this stranger genuinely cared about my wellbeing. I was recommended to see a therapist and to get evaluated.

I got checked out and I found out that I had depression and severe anxiety. I was almost put on a medication, but we (me and my mother) decided it was best if we tried an alternative to meds. It worked after a while, my family was actively trying to keep me included and make me as happy as the rest of them. I thought "Finally" because I never felt like I belonged with anyone. Family or friends. I felt like I was destined to just die and be forgotten.

It was working, but it all stopped. It was like everyone forgot about what happened and that I existed. It was like getting slapped by someone wearing leather gloves. It pushed me back into my internalization. It anchored my belief that nothing ever stays the same, no matter how great things may seem. Everything ends. I learned the deal with it none-the-less. It wasn't until senior year, when I made my final attempt, that things got worse for me. I was overwhelmed, stressed, and feeling completely shut out. My youngest (not the bestie) sister was having issues with stress and "anxiety" (as my family calls it without her getting diagnosed). Everyone doted on her and treated her with more care and for a longer period of time, that was what hurt more than anything. It felt like I was repeatedly getting stabbed everytime I breathed. It was suffocating being surrounded by the harsh reality that "you never mattered and you never will to these people."

The final breaking point was a silly argument about something small. Me and my mom argued over something stupid and she refused to hug me goodbye before I got on my bus that pushed me over the edge. I remember feeling numb, but also like I was drowning. It was like the universe was confirming that nobody loves me, nor does anyone want me around. It solidified my suicidal thoughts and almost made them a reality. It wasn't like I wanted to die, I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to stop hurting. So I went into the girls restroom and wrapped my headphones around my neck and cried. A few people came to try to help. A teacher that I always had an issue with, a student that had treated me like shit. They did nothing about the headphone around my neck, they tried to talk to me. When I didn't want to hear anything they had to say, they left. It wasn't until another stranger showed up and untangled the headphones from around my neck. She sat and talked to me like we had known each other forever. She was kind and spoke softly. I know you people on Tumblr aren't very religious and have a bad idea about Christianity and despite being a Christian myself, I have rarely been around another Christian who was as kind and thoughtful as she was. She spoke about how even if I don't love myself, God does and that there's a reason for everyone on Earth. Even me. Something about her hugging me and crying with me on the dirty bathroom floor changed something in me for a moment. It made me realize that I didn't want to die. I didn't want to disappear or be forgotten. After we sat there for God knows how long, she helped me up and took me to the nurses office and to the counselor. I told them about trying to kill myself and my greatest fear in that moment was them calling my mom. I feared that she would have another reason to feel dissapointed in me.

Mom came to the school, picked me up, and we drove to the therapist office. I was suspended from school until I got evaluated and was given the "ok" to come back to school. It was a few days before Christmas break and I was told that I would probably have to stay in a facility. My family cried along with me. I almost missed my favorite holiday. I almost missed spending time with my family. I almost ruined Christmas for my whole family. That's what it seemed like to me at least. My mom was supportive of me after they agreed to allow me to come home, on the grounds that I go to therapy every Tuesday and Thursday for the next few weeks. My mom made sure I was ok. I wasn't allowed anywhere near headphones during that time and I wasn't allowed to be near knives as well. It was an extra measure to ensure my safety. Everyone made sure that I was ok, except my dad's side at least. He and my stepmother treated it as if it were something similar to drinking and driving. They blamed me for what happened, and told me through a text message that "they're just waiting it out". They treated me like I ruined Christmas for them. They told me that I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. They were treating me like a disobedient child. It hurt. A lot. I didn't see them for 6 months after that.

I was slowly getting better and it seemed like my family was finally starting to understand what depression and anxiety was like. Things were fine until March 27th. Me and my sister/bestie(@writer-nana-chan)got onto the bus to go to school. As the bus was picking up a student a driver wasn't paying attention to the road at drove straight into a student. He was going around 70 mph. Me and my sister witnessed everything. Never in my entire life have I ever cried as hard as I did that morning. I cried for the 2 hours that we were stuck, parked next to the scene of the crime, and 4 more hours that we were home safely. He was pronounced dead once he was in the hospital. The boy was only 17. He was killed in front of his home where his younger brother, mother, and father could've looked out the window and watched. I felt awful. I didn't know the boy personally, but I resented him when he was alive. The school year that I was seated near him, I thought he and his friends just wanted to tease me. In reality, they were only teasing his other friend for having a crush on me. I held a certain distaste for him. Once I accidentally bumped into him in the halls, he apologized and of course I said that it was ok, until I realized it was HIM. I sneered at him. I SNEERED at the boy once I realized that it was him. That moment will haunt me for the rest of my life because I never knew who or what kind of person he was before i judged him. After his death, I found out how much of an amazing person he was. I hated myself so much for the way I treated him. I so thoughtlessly directed unnecessary anger towards him when none was needed.

From witnessing his death and the trauma that came with it, I developed PTSD. I didn't want to believe it at first, but it wasn't until I sat down with the other students present on the bus at a PTSD awareness group that I realized that I needed to be checked out. It was hard adjusting my lifestyle to not cause panic attacks and to keep myself away from things that trigger me. I can't watch some of my favorite horror movies anymore and I can't handle certain things when in a car. However, I'm slowly learning how to cope and I'm getting better.

Please do not wait until you actually make an attempt to seek help. Don't wait until that moment of unrelenting distraught to finally realize that you want help. Trust me, I would know.

#national mental health day #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #post traumatic stress disorder #Abuse #Death #Car Accident #suicide #Hatred #self loathing #self hatred #be safe everyone

[motherlessdaughter2016]

The year after my mom died

≈First Grieving Anniversary Experience

(These are my words in notion with my grief. Personal words. Raw words. I can only hope that this post can help someone who is also grieving. Maybe help them not feel so crazy or alone.)

December 20, 2017

There are things in life that happen that makes someone who they are. Life experiences, influences, status, etc. None of it's no different when it comes to the week of the first anniversary of someone you loved passed away. December 26, 2016 was the day my mom died. It was unexpected and sudden. What used to be the best time of the year for our family became our most difficult time of the year. My mom was our core. She held us together and she made sure we were loved and cared for. This past year, there has been some shakey patches. A very shakey part right now as we're 6 days away from a year.

These last few days have been odd, as if it's only the beginning and it was dawning on me that how close it was and Christmas was coming. I'm gonna be honest, I didn't by much for anyone. Most of it will be homemade and I'm even slacking at that.

My dad, sister and I went to visit our Nana for a few days. It was our first time without mom. I didn't know how to feel so I just went with what came to me. Lots of anxiety for one thing. It'd been a while since I was in a roadtrip like that. As we were traveling from NWPA to Cape Cod. I don't trust other drivers on the road and I have high anxiety, so I tried to stay focused elsewhere.

We got there and I enjoyed being out on Cape, spending time with my family. It was great seeing Nana, how I missed her. The house is always welcoming and it's home to us. But there lurking in the back of my mind, we were missing someone. Mom. 

It was a bittersweet.

Nana has a back porch with sliding glass doors that lead onto it. She has a fence for where her dog can roam but the rest of her property is woods and if you pay attention, you can be deer at dusk about this time of year. Sure we had neighbors but no-one pays attention to you. So it's quiet. And it was a little cold at night but I'd stand on the back porch and stare out into the darkness. Remembering the last time we were all on that porch together. 

May 2015. We went up to celebrate Mother's Day. Nana, mom and me. Dad and Kiki were there too. It was two weeks we spent on the Cape. It was wonderful. There was a day where mom and I slipped away, just the two of us and she showed me her favorite spots and we took a selfie that day. We saw seals! She told me about how the fishing boats would bring in the fish and gave me a history lesson. She was once a teacher after all. It was a really great day for us. This time, it was solemn but much needed. It was a short break from the chaos of everything we've faced this year from losing mom. But I would stand on the back porch and cherish that memory. Sometimes I would talk to her.  I know she's listening. Even when I don't say it out loud.

My time on Cape was a mixture for me. I did go to a party with my sister and I barely managed through it but I did get through it. Lots of self talking and relying on my inner circle a screen tap away. I suffer from social anxiety and being out of my element really throws a gal off. Thankfully we left and got to a familar place, I felt a bit better. The people were nice but there were too many. There had to have been 10 people in one house. It was overwhelming for me.

I didn't sleep well that night. It was the 2nd night we were there. I couldn't get comfortable no matter where I tried to lay down. I couldn't sleep. Mom was on my mind alot. Christmas is 5 days away. Mom died on the 26th. I probably totaled 4 hours of sleep that night and the morning was rough as well. It was a bad morning for me. I couldn't eat much so I just rested for the day. The 3rd day was okay and by the 4th morning we were leaving Cape to head home.

So we're 6 days away from that day with some other pressing issues are also demanding our attention, things even still relating to mom. When someone dies unexpectedly, there is so much the family becomes responsible for. Things I didn't even think were possible!

It's just a very different feeling this year, compared to last. If I were to compare last Christmas to this, you'll definitely see the difference. The raw emotions of losing someone really affects people. And it's so very upsetting for someone who can't relate say "it's been *insert timeframe* since they died, isn't it time to move on?" as if we, the ones who grieve, are supposed to put a time limit on our loss. Because grief is NOT the same for everyone. We're fast approaching a year since my mother died and I still feel the pain and devastating hit we all took when it was confirmed that we lost her. It is still very real in my mind, fresh. You can't forget that kind of pain. You can't forget about the energy shifts and the sounds of others expressing their own anguish. There has been so many emotions coming from me this week and I'm just trying to breathe and make sense of it all. Falling back on my circle of trusted people but to be honest, it's pouring over us at the worst time of the year.

I have been a bit irritable and really trying not take it out on the wrong people. I have been anticipating the holiday coming but I guess I didn't see it coming up on me. Before I knew it, I realized we're 6 days away from a year. Time flies quick yet slow, if that makes any sense. I don't know what else I expect to happen in the next 6 days though but we are cautiously hopeful for Christmas Day.

Sometimes I often find myself still stuck between that anger that she's gone and that depression of losing her. Sometimes I find genuine laughter and enjoyment but I always have this lurking off balance energy. And I just haven't figured out how to find my balance again. Despite my best effects, I get kicked by life. Because well, life doesn't wait for you. It keeps going. It's encouraged to not get left behind. It sounds easy but it's really not easy. We're falling behind. Bills are building up, everyone wants money.

I want money too. I want to have money to give money to the people who want money from me!

And I'm having anxiety over how I'm gonna tell my landlord that I don't have the water bill. There has only ever been a few times in 2 years that I've asked for an extension on my bill because I just don't have it...he kinda yells at me but in a passive way because my not being able to pay affects his ability to pay and I get that, I really honestly and truly do. But my boyfriend was fired, two weeks before Christmas. He was fired for attendance but here's the catch, he had a doctors note.

He's had 2 interviews already but no word of a yes yet. My friends (who are just family) are waiting on background checks to come in for their old jobs. They had a baby and we had to adjust. My bestie became a stay at home dad while his girlfriend got a better job to make up the difference. It worked for a long time. Until the month of December happened. My girl threw out her back and ended up with a herniated disc. She is still trying to recover from that but she's also fed up with her current job. It's garbage. But she keeps working it but she's going to be working for me soon enough. (I'm disabled. I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy when I was a kid. It's a progressive disease that weakens the muscles over time and could cause respiratory issues amoung other muscle related organs. FSH MD and LG MD are the types I have. And I am 28 almost 29 years old. It been almost 21 years since I've been living with this condition. But I have a supportive family.) So has experience in home care so we began the process. We're hoping for good news soon. We could really use it. A miracle would be amazing.

Before my mom died. I never thought about it. And what it'd be like. I guess you never think to lose your mom so young. Most people don't lose their moms until they're almost in their 60s. Some parents can live to be 100. Isn't that crazy? It's amazing if you think about it. 100 years. Some get to 102! But I never did think. I always thought she'd be around. I always thought she'd see me get married. To be a part of her grandchildren's lives. Enjoy her life, she had her own business. She made a name for herself in our town. But we lost the buisness...I think it was her. We were able to clean out the important things but the rest of her office was destroyed. After the New Year, the pipes burst and flooded it. Twice! It was a mess. We had to throw out a lot of things. I'm pretty sure my mom was still mad as hell. I don't think she planned it this way, she always say she'd be saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and get shot. She worked in the ghetto side of town. But she had good foot traffic and loyal customers. She ran her business well. And there has been some criminal activity happen at her office. Robbed than someone broke in a few years ago, just some drunk woman. She kicked in the front door! It's crazy. But she died due to brain damage. She aphixiayed in her sleep and lost too much oxygen. They ran tests to see if there any brain activity but nothing came through. I stared at that monitor, willing for something to happen. And the doctor officially called her time of death. 6:30pm on December 26, 2016. The day my life changed forever and I was forced to face my one of my fears.

Moving on without my mom by my side. She could talk me down and get me to see different things. She was my strength when I was weak. She always assurded that she'd be the for me. She was unconditional love. She was the core of our family. And we're cracking more under the pressure.

#grief support #grief #grieving #motherless #lossoflovedone #loss #my words #my writing #personal #missmymom #mom #words #raw emotion #true #grief of child #miss my mom