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riathedreamer · 3 years

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Zero is Null

A discussion of Zero’s love-hate-relationship with RvB and struggling independence; including a hotdog too big for the bun, tragic backstories, a single bow-chicka-bow-wow, and a cookie at the very end.

Welcome to what will be a lot of text. Basically, it will explore why Zero fails as an RvB (with emphasis on RvB) season. I will not be the first one to bring forth some of the points, and I promise to be fair and civil and fun. This isn’t supposed to be a piece of hate – in fact, I’m writing this because I love Red vs. Blue.

Okay, first of all, to increase your fun – take a guess on just how much of Zero is spent on fight scenes. You see, I’ve calculated the exact amount, and I will reveal it later, but for now, take a guess and remember the number. Maybe you are the winner!

Alright, time to share my thoughts. Wait! Since I suffer from anxiety and have this one annoying voice pretending to be all those critical statements my opinion could be met with, let’s give it an actual voice and address the points throughout this review.

“Why would I care about your opinion, Ria?” – I don’t know, you’re the one who clicked Read More.

“Your opinion doesn’t matter!” – Of course, it doesn’t! Geez. Do you think your opinion matters, though? Listen, we’re on Tumblr, the actual equivalent of screaming into the void. And it’s fun, too!

“If you don’t like it, don’t watch!” - *activates Uno Reverse Card* “You can’t talk about something you haven’t watched!”

“You’re just a Hater” – Actually, this is a point I’ll come back to. Like a cliffhanger. Also, at the end of this, there’ll be a cookie. But this will also include me talking about the stuff I like, because, surprise, Zero is not without talent!

“You just don’t like it because the Reds and Blues aren’t in it!” – Actually, that’s a good point, so instead, this review will start with a sole focus on Zero and discuss the problem that lies within that story. Then we can address why the lack of OG cast is understandable and problematic and weird.

But first! Backstory.

When the first 5 second teaser dropped back in spring (you know, when we were young and innocent and the world didn’t feel like an apocalyptic movie yet), I held onto that one image of what I thought (hoped) to be Grif and Simmons in the sunset, hopefully addressing Grif’s hateglue arc, but boy was I wrong because a) that’s not Simmons, that’s Sarge, and b) the image was from a PSA since the Reds are not in Zero.

Actual face-reveal of me below:

Admittedly, when I heard that the Reds and Blues were not going to be the main characters (or even show up), it felt like a gut punch. However, I actually found myself getting excited due to the creators’ hype. I want to praise them for this. It’s been a while since an RvB season was talked so much ABOUT before its release; it had advertisements, it had creators and voice-actors talking about it. Please. More of that in the future. Their passion rubbed off on me, and that deserves recognition. So it pains me that this was clearly a passion-project, and then when I gave it a try, I didn’t want to touch it again for weeks.

Here’s the thing. I cannot whole-heartedly say that Zero is bad. It’s not gonna melt your eyes. It’s not even so-bad-it’s-good. For me, it’s meh. It’s a Saturday-morning-cartoon aimed for a younger audience with a rushed plot and clichéd characters. The problem is that it calls itself RvB, and with that title comes something to live up to – but more importantly, something to continue.

My main issue is that Zero forces its story into existence by ignoring established content rather than adjusting to it. Let’s call this for the hotdog-too-big-for-the-bun syndrome solely for the sake of the bow-chicka-bow-wow that’s coming now. Bow-chicka-bow-wow. Many of the separate issues I will dive into all add to this hotdog-issue, so I will scream “Hotdog!” whenever this is the case so we can all keep track of my argument.

You can continue the story of Red vs. Blue without the Reds and Blues. While that would personally crush my heart, it can be done. There’s a story of Red vs. Blue that can be continued. The world can be expanded, the previous actions of the Reds and Blues can be explored from another angle.

So.

How does Zero do this? It doesn’t.

I just want to make it clear that new elements can definitely be added when it comes to worldbuilding. That’s literally the point of sequels. But Zero’s settings are presented with so little grace and with no connection to previously established worldbuilding. We get Alliance of Defense and GLASS thrown in our face as very big important organizations – yet we’ve never heard of them before. A big central plot point of RvB is the UNSC and Project Freelancers, and those were introduced naturally with the plot. We already have big established intergalactic organizations. What is AOD’s connection with those? We aren’t told. We are just told they exist and expected to accept it, no questions asked. If this was a whole new world and story – fine. But when you need to build on an already established worldbuilding, you need more grace than this. Chorus was a whole new setting, but it was explained, and it was connected to the previous plot. Same with Iris. Same with Desert Gulch. In Zero, it feels lazy. It feels forced. These organizations are just there because the story is built around them (HOTDOG).

This vagueness when it comes to wordbuilding is also reflected in the settings - we have a desert, a training base, a lab, temples, Tucker’s workplace, and we do not know if all those are set place on the same planet. If that is the case, what is this planet’s relationship with Chorus? Is it Earth? And most importantly, what is the deal with the temples? Why are they connected to Tucker’s sword if it isn’t the same planet. Are they made by the same aliens? Are people okay with this? Why haven’t these temples been explored before? Chorus makes sure to establish this, while Zero doesn’t, adding to a growing amount of confusion.

Okay, so no connection with previous worldbuilding. What about characters? I mean, we got Wash and Carolina and Tucker! So we have RvB characters, it gotta be RvB! Technically – yeah. But it feels dirty. These three characters are not here to be characters. They are here to be props to the new cast. They are not given any development. Their presence isn’t even that important, and if this was a whole new show, they could easily have been replaced with an unknown face. Worst of all, they feel miswritten.

Carolina and Wash are working at a new military organization? Leaving the Reds and Blues behind? To help people? First of all, fucking bad idea, Carolina, the last time you left the Reds and Blues alone, they changed the timeline. But most importantly – Carolina and Wash just joined this new super elite military organization? After being mistreated and manipulated by such an organization in the past?

Carolina is there to introduce the characters. That’s it. We are force-fed their personality by having her literally read out loud their personality. There is no gentle introduction to the new cast. We are not allowed to get to know them naturally. Why show when you can tell, huh? That’s Carolina’s role. That’s why she is there. To introduce the cast and explain their story. That’s it. (HOTDOG).

How about Wash? He is there to get beat up and be a damsel in distress so that the new cast has a reason to explore the plot. Oh, and that brain damage that was the consequence of previous seasons – gone now. The guy who literally has trauma from having an AI explode inside his head is fine with having a computer inserted into it instead. Because that’s needed. To explore his brain damage wouldn’t work now when his role is to be a prop to lure the new cast for one episode and then be put onto the bench for the rest of the runtime (HOTDOG).

And Tucker – he is there to die for a second and have his sword taken from him. That’s literally it. And for the few moments he is there, he feels like old super flirty Tucker, which erases the character development he went through in previous seasons. Okay, so Tucker dies, and then not dies, and then he is put on the bench with Wash where they can sit and talk or whatever (‘cause holy shit, the new cast is not allowed to that), because he isn’t important. The sword is. Tucker is just a prop, even more than his sword is (HOTDOG).

Damn. Wash gets beat up. Tucker gets beat up. Dies. Gets his sword taken away. Almost seems like a Red’s wet dream. Sorry not sorry, Blues, you were done dirty.

So there are miswritten old characters. Even worse is the retconning. The plot needs a “normal” Wash, so, bam, magic computer solution. Never mind Wash’s trauma and character traits. Never mind the logic of the new worldbuilding which also includes a character suffering for years to heal an illness. But the brain damage that was such a big consequence that it became the main part of the plot of the last two seasons – gone. I mean, a gunshot to the head can be healed by CPR. That’s canon. But no one gave Wash CPR so it’s a big thing, okay. It was canonically a big thing, and Zero erased that. This is not me saying that a Cerebral Enhancer couldn’t work in the RvB universe. Imagine it being done right. Wash struggling with the choice of getting used to his disability or accepting the possibility of help - at the cost of reliving his trauma. The struggle between what to choose - what should he choose when he wants to help as many as possible, the sacrifices he thinks he has to make, the way it could have been used as a part of his character growth. But in Zero, the enhancer isn’t a part of Wash’s character. It’s there so the story can work without having to deal with the previous plot’s consequence (HOTDOG).

Same with the sword thing. They sorta explain it by having Tucker flatline, but it’s weak. Honestly, I find it sorta offensive. What about Locus’ sword as well? It’s twisting previous lore to make the new plot work (HOTDOG). (Also, are we not gonna talk about the ultimate power being Spencer Porkensenson’s helmet? Have the writers forgotten Spencer Porkensenson? Have we as a community forgotten Spencer Porkensenson?)

If you have Red vs. Blue in your title, you cannot ignore what you inherit from it. You need to respect the worldbuilding, the established characters, and the previous plot. Zero does not do this.

Let’s talk about the Triplets. No, really, let’s do it. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about them before, because season 14 was a mixed bag for me (that I have now learned to appreciate. Thank you, Zero.) because I have heart at the size of the Grinch and can only love a few characters at a time, and that did not include the Triplets. Can’t even remember their names. Well, I can, but I can’t for the love of me remember which state is which, and my tongue is twisted every time I try to say Ohio, Iowa, and Idaho, and I know it’s on purpose. I know it is. And it got me good. That being said, the fandom actually embraced them really, really well! Seriously, I’ve seen more content for the Triplets than for Zero as a whole.

Why talk about the Triplets? (Was Iowa the lesbian? Or was it Ohio? Fuck.) Because like Zero, they introduced new characters with a story of their own. The Reds and Blues didn’t play a role. But here’s what I feel like the Triplets got right. They didn’t change the settings to force their narrative. They used stuff already established (Project Freelancer), added their own story as a continuation of that. They even included old characters in the beginning (Wash and some other Freelancers) but it felt natural and it didn’t feel like it happened at the expense of the old characters. Wash’s writing felt natural, and his presence wasn’t needed to tell these new character’s stories. He wasn’t a prop to them. He was there to establish the setting and to establish the relationship with these new characters, and then he and the other familiar faces (helmets??) left, and we as the viewers were left with these new characters. And the new characters told their own story by themselves. It felt like, hey, here’s something you know – remember Mother of Invention, and remember Wash’ lower rank, but now, try to imagine being even lower rank than him, aren’t you curious about those fates? Now let’s hear their story! It was new, it was something else, but it didn’t wreck what came before it, and it stayed true to the classic vibes of RvB.

As I said before, the hotdog-issue is my biggest problem with Zero. It infuriates me. I will return to this. But there are more issues, even if we try to look past the title-related problems.

If we try to imagine Zero as its own story and universe (as it should be, in my opinion), it still earns the meh review from me.

These isolated issues include awkwardness, the writing, lack of self-awareness, and pacing. First of all, holy shit, this is a tell, don’t show. Nothing is subtle, nothing is allowed to develop. It’s like the show thinks you are six years old with an attention span of a goldfish. You are not just led by the hand – they have literally pulled off your arm by the end of the show. We are force-fed every bit of information, every bit of personality from these new characters.

The voice-acting is a mixed bag for me. Sometimes it’s pretty good, sometimes it’s not. Some of the problems can definitely be blamed on the dialogue that you can only do so much with. It’s not good. I can’t remember any good jokes (the one joke I really appreciate was the cast on armor, and that was freaking visual humor. That was so RvB. Kudos to that. It was fun. More of that, please.), and RvB is known for having memorably good lines. This is a show built on good, clever, funny dialogue. Zero does not deliver. You have to sit through clichéd lines – “You’re not my dad”, “I trusted you”, “Come with me”, “It can’t be!”, “She’s way too powerful”, and “We have to do this together” – performed unironically. I cringed more than I laughed. Worst thing is that Zero could be a good parody. Sometimes, it feels like it is. One-dimensional characters, a villain wanting ‘the ultimate power’, very overpowered characters, bad one-liners, etc. But Zero takes itself seriously, and I was one of the people rooting for Jax to show up at the end and yell “Cut”. That would have been a funny-as-fuck twist. A spin-off parody. If I can’t have “Sarge the Movie”, I would have taken that and loved it. I would have forgiven everything. “We put so much info into finding that power, but we had no idea what it was” is really a line in the finale, and I cannot believe this is real in a show that somehow still tries to present itself as serious. What a plot.

We have to talk about pacing. God, first of all it should be stated that RvB is a mess when it comes to pacing. I honestly get what they were going for. Sometimes, RvB has come across as a bit boring when you get three episodes stretched over three weeks without much going on. I know season 11 did not have the warmest welcome because it was seen as boring until the finale. But when you see season 11 as a whole, as a movie, as a part of a trilogy, it works so well. Zero is more focused on being episodic. They want something to happen all the time so we will stay tuned. The thing that will happen – a fight. Oh god. The fight scenes.

I have done the math. I have run the numbers. I deserve a freaking cookie for this. Are you ready?

If you put all the episodes together, you have a runtime of 106 minutes. HOWEVER, with the introduction of credits in every episode, you gotta account for this. Removing the credits, this gives us 94 minutes of actual runtime. Out of that, 45 minutes are dedicated to fight scenes. That means 48% of the show is fight scenes.

If I wanted that many fight scenes, I’d watch Death Battle. Except the actual RvB Death Battle episode has a runtime of 20 minutes, and out of that, 5 minutes is dedicated to the actual battle. For the people who hate math – that’s 25% of the actual runtime.

RvB Zero has more fight scenes than a show called Death Battle. Take that in.

The pace suffers from this. Where’s the time to explore the characters? Where’s the time for good dialogue? All I can think of is this:

I get that RvB is a show that’s literally making fun of itself by acknowledging all their characters do is stand around and talk. I get that you want characters to do more than that. But for the love of Church, would it kill the new characters to stand around and talk? For just a minute? Stop fighting, I am begging you, stop fighting! Am I a pacifist now? Am I purple? Have I joined Doc’s team? What has Zero done to me?!

The good thing though is that fight scenes are very good. They’re entertaining. However, they seem to deconstruct themselves when we need to get a fight scene in every episode. Usually, the few fight scenes in an RvB season were in some of the most climatic episodes. In Zero, I can hardly keep up with the pace because they won’t stop moving. Fight scenes aren’t plot. They aren’t character development. You need more than just fight scenes. They entertain, but there’s a limit to that.

Noël Wiggins, the co-writer, stated the inspiration was a Saturday-morning cartoon. They nailed that vibe. If that was their goal, hurray, they have accomplished something! Because of the poor plot and constant fight scenes, it feels like you could just switch on the TV and drop in at any moment and let yourself be entertained by the cool and colorful soldiers punching and kicking each other. I will admit that the fight scenes entertained me. But they don’t make it a good season.

If I were the six-year-old with the attention span of a goldfish that the show believes I am, I honestly would enjoy it. The stiff dialogue and the constant tell-don’t-show makes you feel like an audience that’s not supposed to do anything else but admire the flashy fight scenes. I miss the cleverness of RvB. I miss the characters I get to connect with as I see them grow.

I miss the tone of RvB. Because this isn’t RvB to me.

It’s not that RvB hasn’t changed its tone before. Holy shit, I sorta do want to experience the absolute shock the RvB fandom went through when s6 aired and they were given new characters and serious plot. I would have loved to experience that, but I was too busy being ten years old. The Freelancers seasons also introduced a new tone and more fight scenes with very talented fighters compared to the Blood Gulch gang, but a balance was kept by having half of the season still revolving around the Reds and Blues. But Zero – Zero is so much change. And it’s on purpose. At least this has been made very clear from the beginning.

They constantly seem to appeal to new fans, rather than be directed towards older fans of the show. If you want an entirely new audience with a season with a new cast, new worldbuilding, and new tone, I’m confused as to why they don’t just make a new show. The hotdog-problem begs for this solution. This story and environment and characters feel so out of touch with the original RvB, that with a few rewrites and lack of Halo-armor, it could just be a new show. Problem solved.

If not this, then present it as a spin-off. In all ways, it feels like a spin-off (again, see everything marked HOTDOG). But the creators refuse to do this, and I don’t understand why. I could forgive many of these issues, had they officially separated themselves from canon.

Ah, what’s the idiom? You can’t both swallow and blow? (You can hear the Bow-chicka-bow-wow in the distance). Something about eating cake and having it. Forgive me, English isn’t my native language. POINT IS why are you calling yourself RvB while actively fighting against the core essence of RvB? In my humble opinion, you can’t be both. Marketing it as a spin-off would have granted it some defense when changing, well, literally everything, and I just, would someone please properly describe why it isn’t a spin-off? Isn’t this season marked by its association with the plot of RvB rather than a continuation of it? Zero presenting itself as not a spinoff feels like a toddler clinging to the hem of its mother’s dress while forcefully running away from her, ripping the dress in the process.

When they do connect with the original RvB, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. When they let Carolina, Wash, and Tucker appear for a moment, it feels like luring viewers in with the RvB title. Look at me. Look at me! I’m not saying this is the case. I say that it gives me the annoying vibes of being lured, rather than letting the characters be a part of the show for their own development, rather than having RvB in the title to continue its story. I should not be getting these vibes at all. But I am.

If you want to use RvB in the title, something from the core of RvB needs to be embraced. Things can be changed. They should. Something new should be brought in. But there’s a limit to how much you can change and replace and twist until it would have been better with an original show. As a season of RvB, it should tell the story of Red vs. Blue.

From my perspective, Zero fails to do so.

It pains me that the old cast has been replaced, but as stated earlier, a season could have worked without them. However, I do not like the take that one should be excited about all the new characters. That it isn’t a big thing that the OG cast got replaced. That we should just deal with it. Just, try to imagine another show suddenly replacing the main characters with characters we’ve never met before. Imagine RWBY suddenly only focusing on a new team of huntresses with the previous main characters reduced to an Easter Egg presence, or Camp Camp suddenly being about a new team of campers, no warning given. Can you imagine the outcry? So maybe let’s agree that a replacement of the main cast is a big thing and should be addressed and it’s valid to be upset about this change.

Could Zero have worked? It’s hard to answer this. How can I accept something as RvB if the season actively pushes away the core of RvB aside for an isolated story that could have been told in any other media? As a spinoff, I could have ignored it. To enjoy Zero, I have to fully separate it from RvB in my mind, and then it’s alright. S’not good. But it’s not bad. It’s entertaining enough. I really ended up liking Raymond and Tiny, and there were a few good jokes, and the fight scenes were admirable (but too much) and I love the creators’ passion. But it’s not RvB. I also wish that the new characters had been attached to previous worldbuilding, for example soldiers on Chorus or agents from Project Freelancer. That way we could build on familiar lore which would have decreased the confusion and added a much needed connection with the previous seasons of RvB.

God, the anxious voice is back (by the way, it sounds like Tutter from “Bear in the Blue House”).

“You’re racist” – I hope not. Literally, I do not want to be. Tell me if I’ve ever crossed some lines, because I swear, that is not my intention, I will apologize and most of all, change and do better. I included this because I’ve seen this take thrown around in the big ugly mess that is the fandom clashes regarding Zero. And racism is problem within RT community (this includes AH and RvB, sorry, I just use RT as an umbrella term for the latter), and I’m not saying it hasn’t been a problem with this season. Writers should never be harassed, and never-fucking-ever because of their skin color, and voice actors shouldn’t be treated like they are responsible for the choices of the show. But I was legit nervous to post this review, and I hope it’s been factual without feeling like personal attacks on the creators because that has never been my intention. I was delighted to hear about the diversity behind this project, and Torrian’s passion legit blew me away because it’s been a while since I’ve seen that for an RvB project. I’d hoped for it to be good, and when I feel disappointed, it’s for the reasons stated in this analysis. That said, Zero is made by a diverse cast and it’s made with love, and both of those things are so, so great, but it does not mean that Zero cannot be criticized. It can, and it should. It’s a product, just like all the other seasons, and fans are allowed to discuss it – both what they loved, and both what they found troublesome. And to repeat previous points, and be respectful, always, fuck racists, and never-fucking-ever harass the staff behind a season, what the fuck is wrong with you if you do this.

“Don’t you get it, it’s different because it’s trying something new!” – Hey, remember the philosophical question: if you replace all the parts of a ship one-by-one, is it still the same ship when you’re done? If it doesn’t include the Reds and Blues, if it ignores previous plot, if the old characters feel miswritten, if it values animation over dialogue, if it values fight scenes over comedy, if it wants to be Fast and Furious instead of Red vs. Blue – is it still Red vs. Blue? Because it doesn’t feel like it to me.

“It's been 17 seasons, it’s time to let the Reds and Blues go so someone else can shine!” – I simply do not understand us having been with the Reds and Blues for 17 seasons should be an argument to let them go, rather than be an argument as to why their absence hurt like hell.

“The Reds and Blues ran out of things to do!” – Did- did they, though? I mean, if we were discussing pretty much any other show, I’d probably agree that they were running out of content. But for the Reds and Blues… I think the PSAs nailed it this year! I’m not kidding, I had more fun watching the Reds and Blues discuss how to do laundry than watching Zero. You could literally give me an hour of the Reds and Blues trying to bake a cake or clear a gutter or simply settling down with an ordinary life, and I would trust them to make it worth the watch.

“The flaws were due to the fact it’s only 8 episodes long!” – Look, I can only judge a product the way it’s presented to me. I cannot come up with excuses for it. If they had 8 episodes to work with, they need to come up with a plot that works with this runtime. Seriously, this excuse cannot work when 48% of the season is spent on fight scenes. They could have used more runtime, sure, but the show needs to be able to pace itself and be planned accordingly.

“The OG cast couldn’t be a part of this year, hence Zero!” – That might be true. But. Would one year without RvB kill it? Is Zero necessary? Again, I just can’t judge excuses for the show. But trouble with the cast has been an issue before. Season 15 solves Geoff’s sabbatical by actually making Grif’s absence a part of the plot. Zero’s lack of Reds and Blues just feels like this excuse to tell a story that needn’t be a part of RvB.

Am I a hater? I guess? I greatly dislike Zero for the critique stated above. I do, however, not harass the creators and no one should ever do that. However, I have to admit that I feel there’s been this weird rejection of any critique of Zero where everything’s been brushed off as haters gonna hate, including the critique stated above. And I think that’s a problem because critique, as hard as it can be to hear (and I know this. I’m an author of original works. Weird flex, I know), is valid and necessary and shouldn’t just be shrugged away. As always, both sides of the fandom should always be respectful, but my own opinion is that addressing the flaws of Zero should not be controversial.

Does this super long rant/critique/whatever mean you cannot enjoy Zero? Gods no! I almost envy you if you enjoy this season, but holy shit, feel free to love it and tell the creators that you love it! Me pointing out the issues I have with the season shouldn’t be stopping you. I loved (and still love) s15 when it came out, and it was majorly rejected by the fandom. There were many, many critical posts, people were going on about how RvB should have ended with s13, and it evolved into the writer receiving death threats (me, once again: never ever harass the creators, assholes). But I didn’t tell people to stop being negative. I actually agreed with many of the flaws that were pointed out, and I enjoyed the season despite this, because that is possible. We, as RvB fans, should agree that RvB, is... I mean, it’s not the greatest, most flawless of shows, but we love it nonetheless. So go ahead and love Zero. This is not a stop sign. This is my opinion that you chose to read.

Wait, I promised you a cookie, didn’t I? Well, you’re not getting one. Why? Because I’m a Red and this is my chance to piss off a Blue. As Caboose wisely said: “Well, at least I don't go around... knocking on people's non-doors... and promising them cookies... and then NOT. GIVING. THEM. COOKIES!”

Blue Team sucks.

End speech.

#rvb zero #rvb #rvb zero critical #rvb critical #rvb0 #my rvb stuff #pls dont hate me for this #this is my honest opinion that people apparantly wanted to hear #as a standalone story zero isnt totally bad #as an rvb season it is

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dallonm-archive · 3 years

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[image description: three monstera leaves. The leaves and wall are tinted purple by string lights behind the plant. In the middle, in a white serif font and all caps, reads “LIFE CYCLE OF MASSIVE STARS”. At the bottom, in the same font but smaller, reads “update #1″ /end id]

LIFE CYCLE OF MASSIVE STARS | UPDATE #1

Before I start, this is an autistic OwnVoices novel and it’s Autism Acceptance Month! Remember that awareness is passive and acceptance is active. And whilst this book is autistic OwnVoices I want to stress that it doesn’t cover the full autistic experience; autism is so individualistic and this story only stems from my experience. Make sure you to listen to all autistics, not just those who can speak and live independently and present in a way that suits neurotypical society. Support autistic creatives and if you’re also a creative, include autistic characters in your work! Autism is not a disease. It does not need to be cured.

Hey y’all! This has sure been a week! I gave myself the goal of 15,000 words for Camp Nano and somehow hit that in 5 days? I have literally never written at that pace before so I’m a little shocked lol. I don’t intend to keep that pace but the momentum has made drafting very fun and? drafting this has been a literal dream. I was really worried because March was a month long slump I expected to carry into April. I want to disclaim that I’m currently out of school and work because of the pandemic so I have all the free time to write and that definitely contributed! But also as a neurodivergent and disabled writer, free time does not always equal writing, so to know that I am capable of writing like this, even if not always, it is Such a gamechanger. Also this story makes me miss University so much I actually can’t take it :(

LCOMS has been a dream so far because the protagonists are all characters I’ve had for 5-8 years, and | spent those years struggling to figure out their stories. Even when I settled on this story, originally Patchwork, there was like 4 versions of it before I landed on this - none ever drafted beyond a couple thousand words because they just Never Worked. But the wait was worth it because holy shit I feel like I struck gold. This story feels so me, it’s so much fun to write, and I don’t think a story has come to me this easy before. It’s given me such a zest for storytelling again that I didn’t realise was missing. I’m slowing things down now because creative boundaries and self care >>>>, but I just passed 19k words - though some of the chapters are very unfinished because my priority has been mapping out the story’s skeleton as far as I can, then filling in the gaps based off what I learnt. I wanna put a passage before the cut so it’s not just me rambling about bullshit and no content, but it’s hard to pick just one, so here’s a non-linear scene that I :) cannot elaborate on :)

(CW: alcohol)

[image description: the side of a ferris wheel against black sky. The wheel is lit white, but at the bottom it’s coloured a mix of pink, blue and green. At the top, in a white serif font, reads “The ferris wheel lights blur between turquoise, magenta, mint, lavender, casts the puddles into technicolour. “ /end id]

Picture this: December 17th. End of term. End of year. Cloudless night, stars winking. Fargate glows, market stalls lit by yellow fairy lights line the street like candle stubs, gently burning. It’s raining. It has all day. Dampened your new beanie and scarf but you’re not mad, even if you’ll cringe at the texture when you take them off later. The ferris wheel lights blur between turquoise, magenta, mint, lavender, casts the puddles into technicolour. Your eyes and feet ache, but you’re not mad. And the mulled wine that buzzed warm in your bloodstream now coils in your stomach, but you’re not mad. You’re queuing for the technicolour wheel, even though you know it’ll be underwhelming and a waste of £4, but you’re not mad. Chocolate is usually too sweet for you, but he bought a pack of snowflake shaped ones - each carved with their own design - and when he passes the paper bag over you don’t say no. They taste like raspberry. He grins at you.

I have once again written a long update because I am autistic and have no self control; more excerpts and chapter-by-chapter rambles are as usual under the cut!

(content warnings are specific to the respective excerpt, but as a general warning there’s a lot of alcohol mentions!)

Originally I wanted 3 parts for 3 semesters, but I might do 2? Especially because in the UK at least the spring and summer semester kinda blend into one. The chapters are grouped by 3 - one for every POV character - but that’s more to help with writing because I get more done if I break it down like that, but I also like how it’s shaped the story structurally.

Sometimes the three chapters will be each of the character’s POV on a single event, sometimes they’re more individual but still follow a general idea (for example, one of them is how each character’s first three weeks of the semester goes). As usual for me the plot here is ~non-existent, especially at this stage, but everything is still connected and threaded together and thats all we really need. The chapters are also pretty short at the moment, none of them are over 3k and only tackle 1-3 scenes. This is something I feel is working really nicely now but I’m not gonna commit to it for the entire novel. I like chapter length variety! But right now we are just going with the flow :)

The most unexpected part is this being in second person, which I decided impulsively the night before Nano because I have :) zero self control :). I was unsure if it’d work in Multi POV, but it’s created such a unique tone that I can’t imagine the story without anymore, even if it’ll need tweaking over drafts. I think it suits the story so well! I’m just torn about it being in past or present, so if you see tense jumps in the excerpts no you did not <3 I’m not naming chapters right now beyond the character’s name, but part one is titled Growing Pains.

[image description: photo of a city at night. To the left are skyscrapers with lots of lit up windows behind a chain-link fence. To the right is an unlit building. Near the middle is a bright streetlight. In the middle, in a white serif font, reads “growing pains”. /end id]

1: Tomas

We start in the most overrated part of Uni, fresher’s week <3 The drinking and clubbing culture of UK university is a big part of this novel but in a way that’s like “hey this can be fun sometimes but sometimes it’s really not and it’s also really not for everyone.” Our three POVs go to a club night and really don’t care for it. Tomas does not want to be here, is in a weird as shit mood, and instead of looking for his friends he goes to the smoking area with a man he just met called Damiano. I really wanna rewrite this because I wrote it with Zero Idea of where the story was going, so here’s the one part of it that I consider salvageable <3

Damiano shoves his phone in your hands, brightness puncturing darkness. You hadn’t noticed the dimmed lights until then, but the room blued, music and time slowed. Though his notes are on dark mode, his phone brightness is on two fucking high. Your eyes sting. Cracks travel up the screen like veins.

Each character also has a specific image they keep seeing in things that are never actually there and they all make me like 🤠 hey besties what do these mean are you okay?? I Do Not know what they mean yet, but Tomas’ is veins. (Also shout out to me for finally settling on a spelling for his name after 5 years and by that I mean thank you to my friends for peer pressuring me into choosing Tomas lol)

My absolute favourite part of this story is the character voices. They are all SO fun to write, and I feel like I settled into a good combo of My Literary Prose Bullshit and they’re very specific, often very sarcastic voices. They also say fuck like, so many fucking times. RIP to me if I decide to query this <3

2: Kristen

Okay first off Kristen is THE funniest character I’ve written. He is SO fun. I wish I was his bestie but he’s also been my bestie since 2013. We meet him in the gender neutral bathrooms being annoyed by a very rich and very tone deaf girl. Classism and the UK class divide is one of the biggest themes of this novel, and Kristen is a very proud working class Northerner (the North is massively underfunded and unsupported by the Gov compared to the South) and cannot stand the Tories (Conservative Party). Extremely fucking valid of him

(CW: blood)

“I’m Floss. Florence.” Of course she was. Fucking Florence. “Where are you from?”

You don’t look at her. Eyes on your reflection, the glittered cheekbones. You busy yourself with your eyeliner, gliding the pen over gaps and smudges that don’t exist. “Barnsley, babe.” It’s only a half lie this time - if you tell her you were born in Liverpool she’d probably look at you like you’re a dead rat on the side of a dodgy alleyway. But maybe that’d be better because then she’d leave you the fuck alone.

“Oh! That’s like well close isn’t it. I’m from Reigate.” Her voice breathes trust fund and Waitrose, tries to speak like it doesn’t. You try not to laugh.

“Reigate! I bet your parents are right little Tories, aren’t they?”

She playfully slapped your shoulder. She thinks you’re friends. "Not every rich person is a Tory!” Don’t roll your eyes don’t roll your eyes don’t roll your eyes. “Is that blood on your hands?”

“Huh?” You look: faded red dye dried to your palm, blotted on your fingertips. It is dye, because your hair is as of four hours ago a fierce “Real Red”. But it could be blood. “No, it’s hair dye.”

If you think he’s being harsh, she literally calls him a slur like 3 lines after this <3 Fuck rich people half of this book is me clowning on them.

Kristen’s recurring Imagery is blood, except sometimes it’s less clear if it’s actually blood or not. Once again, besties are you okay ????

3: Junie

Junie my beloved <3 love her so much. She finds Kristen in the bathroom, and they agree to look for Tomas, until Tomas texts to say he already left. But the biggest part of this chapter is the absolute crisis she has over kissing for a girl for the first time to ABBA :)

(CW: alcohol)

[image description: a disco ball against a red-purple background. The disco ball casts dots of light against the across the ceiling. At the bottom, in a white serif font, reads: “Dancing Queen bounces against the walls. The disco ball casts specks over the ceiling, floor, walls, your skin, hair, eyes like broken glass.” /end id]

You don’t listen to 80s music, or 70s, but this room is smaller than the main floor, not claustrophobic, less freshers. Yet, even without the mask of a crowd, nobody notices the girl in the corner kissing the other girl. A girl you don’t know. You’d only gone up to her because she has purple hair and you had to tell her how much you love it - what dye is it? Professional or homemade? Did you have to bleach your hair? Professional or homemade? Will your hair fall out if you bleach it at home? If you dye your hair purple, do you become part of the Milky Way or part of Andromeda? She turns and sticks her tongue out to display her fresh tongue piercing, like a silver bullet lodged in flesh. “Dance with me, you look lost.” She has an allure to her, the Andromeda hair, the bullet in the tongue - do you want to pull it out with your teeth, or lodge it in your own skin? But she asks you to dance, and you fall into her orbit, if only for a few songs. Dancing Queen bounces against the walls. The disco ball casts specks over the ceiling, floor, walls, your skin, hair, eyes like broken glass. Her tongue in your mouth, yours in hers, bullet grazing against your lips. She tastes of vodka and cherries and metal.

I really, really feel for Junie. She’s recently out, and she’s only just navigating what it means to exist as a lesbian. She kisses a girl and immediately regrets it, because she’s a hopeless romantic and was hoping her first kiss with a girl wouldn’t be in the back of a club, but she also doesn’t regret it because it was a good kiss and they’ll never see each other again lol. Junie’s recurring imagery is glass and once again, besties are you okay

4: Junie

I don’t know how I feel about back to back POV chapters but that’s just how this set worked. The next 3 are immediately after the events of the first 3, after they’ve all left the club. Kristen and Junie walk home together, and most of this and his subsequent chapter is establishing relationship dynamics and <3 this story made me love writing dialogue y’all. This story has a lot of dark elements, so it’s really refreshing to be able to have the light-hearted moments as well. Like these characters are all going through it but they’re also Gen Z 20 year olds who grew up using humour to cope like what else are they meant to do

“We should’ve got that flat on Brunswick. It’s literally down the street from the SU - we’d just have to walk down a hill and then we’d be home.” He complains.

“Kristen, that flat had a rat problem. I saw one scurrying behind the oven.”

“Yeah, and we live with Tomas Meijer now, so what’s the difference?” He faces you, walks backwards, grin plastered on his face.

“That was mean.” You feign annoyance. You sound like a schoolteacher.

“It’s just how we are, you know. The love hate relationship. Like night and day or some shit. I’d kill for that boy but like, he’s still a rat. He’s the same to me - did he tell you he called me a malnourished ferret once in first year? In English and Dutch. Don’t even remember what it is in Dutch but he really came at me with two knives like that.”

Kristen and Junie don’t really know each other well - Junie is Tomas’ friend from class and Kristen and Tomas met in dorms, and a series of shitty housemates in second year brought them all together. It’s funny because I really worried Junie would end up with no clear place in the group and more like a third wheel to Kristen and Tomas but as I started writing I realised that her and Kristen are gonna become besties like. Instantaneously. Love this for them <3

5: Kristen

Essentially mirrors the last chapter. Him and Junie arrive home and have a heart to heart in the living room about gender <3 I love this for them <3

6: Tomas

Tomas goes home with Damiano and they hook up, which is very out of character for Tomas so it’s like his I Am So Random. I Can’t Believe I Just Did That moment. Damiano is a really sweet dude though it’s all good, but he’s here to stay and I can just tell it’s gonna get messy :/ I actually really love how this chapter came out but whilst I have no problem with reading or writing non-explicit sex scenes I’m also like a would rather die than put that on tumblr dot com oops

7: Kristen

we’ve skipped a week ahead to the day before semester starts, and the next three chapters are basically like a character study of where each of them are mentally. It’s not the best :/ This is also the point where Day 1 Of Camp me had literally no idea what I was doing. LCOMS is different from the way I pants Revelations, Revelations because with the latter I find it much easier to brainstorm scenes in my head but with this one, it really is a surprise until I open the doc. It’s created some really interesting moments though.

Kristen visits an amateur photographer friend named Kasia to model for her. I struggled to find anything that included info I’m fine with sharing, but I learnt a LOT about Kristen and his mental state, which was surprising since he’s lived in my head rent free for 8 years now. It’s messy <3 The summary: he sees himself as a mannequin, and he decides that he likes it that way, but he also doesn’t know who’s moving his joints into poses. Bestie???

8: Junie

Junie unpacks her room a week after moving in. Autistic queen <3 This is one of the unfinished chapters, and I have zero motivation to finish it because there’s a scene missing and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. The gist of it though is she FaceTimes a friend from secondary school that definitely was her gay awakening that she only realised was her gay awakening in the last year. Messy <3

9: Tomas

One of my favourite chapters. It’s split into two halves, a light-hearted moment of all three housemates at a superstore because <3 grocery store scenes my beloved <3 and then Tomas’ Everything Is Bad exploration at the end. There’s a moment in the first half where Tomas and Kristen have a heart to heart in the candle aisle, and Tomas asks Kristen where he thinks they’ll be in their thirties. I winged this in a sprint and I’m obsessed with it, it’s all about the ~dynamic~

“Well, he has student debt for one. But that’s not on him. That’s on the Tories. But I like to think they’ll be out of power by then. Boris might even be dead, if we’re lucky. But again, not on me.” He’s quiet again. You watch him think. “He’d be a music teacher probably, or an English teacher. But like, a cool one. He doesn’t teach secondary school because he doesn’t hate himself. Maybe a Sixth Form, or even better a Uni. His students would love him because he’d be able to take a joke and also like, not hound on them for having mental illnesses or life struggles?” Neither of you look at the aisles anymore, just circle the home section of Big Tesco. “He’d also do a lot of charity work. He has a foundation-charity-thing for queer and autistic kids to get accessible music lessons, because creative therapy is like, the best thing - besides Prozac but I digress - and it’d be better than the old white men from CAMHs who act like you don’t exist by your eighteenth birthday. And he’d have a cool little flat in Sheffield where the landlord lets him paint the walls so every room is a different colour. Turquoise kitchen. Magenta Living room. Lavender bedroom. Mint bathroom.” He looks at you like he forgot you were there. “You really let me ramble like that in the middle of Big Tesco, huh? That felt like a fucking therapy moment.” He laughs a little, like he’s nervous.

“Nah, it was a good answer. Maybe if Tomas-in-his-thirties doesn’t move back to the Netherlands, he’ll rent the apartment next to Kristen-in-his-thirties.”

Kristen pouts. “Aw, you don’t wanna be my roomie anymore?”

“No, you called me an animal for eating pineapple on pizza.”

“Deserved. And you called me a malnourished ferret.”

You smile. “You’re not gonna let that down, are you?”

He smiles. “Of course not.”

Kristen tells Tomas he knows Something Happened to him over summer, and gets him to promise to tell him when he’s ready. The second half of the chapter takes place back at the house. Tomas is grieving, and it’s starting to creep into all elements of his thought. In this one specifically, he’s reminded of his top surgery and his memories in the hospital for that starts to blend with his memory of being in the hospital to grieve. Tomas is interesting as trans rep because like, he is trans rep curated for me specifically <3 Tomas was a huge comfort character for me when I was younger and when I realised I was trans, I looked at him and was like oh. He had a very smooth coming out and transitioning process (bc mine is the opposite and I need to project :) ), but right now he views his transness as like, a chapter of his life that was important but is now closed, so he doesn’t think about it a lot anymore, but the combo of grief and its mental impacts causes him to think about it more and he realises he has a very unhealthy internal relationship with his transness. Whilst the big idea at the start of Tomas’ arc is to show trans peace, I really wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the grieving process that comes with being trans. Literally the moment that made me realise “oh god, this is real and I can’t ignore it” was googling “im scared i might be trans” and realising how normal those tangled feelings are. Tomas’ experience of it is only fleeting, but I wanted to show that it’s normal. That being said, there’s no transphobia in this story. It is ultimately a Trans Peace story but also a trans story that, for me at least, is realistic. And the thoughts don’t last long, because his mind circles back to the grieving process.

(CW: graphic surgery and hospital imagery, vomit mention, death)

[image description: a darkened picture of an empty hospital room. The only light comes in through the window through thin white curtains. In the middle, in a white serif font, reads “ Scalpel gliding across the chest; were the cuts they made as thin as the line between surgery and autopsy? “ /end id]

Picture this: The hospital room. Clinical lights like exit wounds in the ceiling. Everything hurts. Haven’t slept properly in weeks. Can barely eat without it coiling and tangling in your stomach only for nothing to come up when you heave over the toilet. Messy hair, sunken eye bags. Dull eyes. The hospital room. The hospital halls. The hospital waiting room. The hospital car park. The drive to the hospital. The sleepless night before the hospital visit. The locked in the armchair next to the phone waiting for the hospital to call. The silence shrills harsher than the phone’s ring. But ask yourself this: who’s in the bed? You or him? The memories are different but the same. Oil and water. Shouldn’t be mixed. But it’s hard not to. Picture the two of you on the operating table and on the metal slab. Too far from reality to feel skin slice. Scalpel gliding across the chest; were the cuts they made as thin as the line between surgery and autopsy?

There’s a lot of paragraphs in the story that start with Picture This:. I have no idea what it means, it just reads cool lmao

10: Junie

we skip around 3 weeks now to see how the kids are dealing with the start of semester and well. They’re managing! Junie actually has a good chapter here, because she experiences Baby’s First Queer Class Crush

[image description: a purple sunset with a large pink cloud. In the middle, in a white serif font, reads you notice her background is of a purple sunset. You wonder if purple is her favourite colour like you and if she took it and if she likes photography and if she’d take photos of you “ /end id]

You listen, touch type your notes without properly processing the words yet, but instead of studying the PowerPoint, you study her: how she tucks a strand of black hair - free from her messy bun - behind her ear. The three studs in her earlobe, three little gold stars. The way her eyebrows furrow when she’s confused, and the way her face relaxes when she figures it out. How she touch types like you, how her two brass bracelets jangle and how you’re the only one that hears it. She minimises Word briefly, and you notice her background is of a purple sunset. You wonder if purple is her favourite colour like you and if she took it and if she likes photography and if she’d take photos of you. Lavender polo shirt, lavender perfume. She doesn’t wear make-up, but a tiny black heart sits under left eye.

Junie’s dreams of a photographer girlfriend are quickly shattered when she admits the photo’s from Pinterest, but otherwise this is so <3 the sapphic crisis of it all.

You walk out together, and she tells you she only got into Sheffield that weekend, and it was a nightmare to explain to the tutors why. “It’s like, they forget we have lives sometimes. Lives we can’t control.” She shakes her head. “It’s okay now though, I’m here now.”

You almost trip on the stairs up to the main floor, and her hand is warm against your wrist. Your cheeks redden, but she just asks if you’re okay, smiles when you are. Tells you she’s late for a seminar, but it was lovely to meet you. Thanks again for the lecture notes. Calls you a lifesaver. Fades into the between-classes rush. You’re glad she’s here now.

again she is so <3 i get it babes i get it <3

In other news, at the end of the chapter Kristen drops the most relatable line of the entire fucking book:

“You know how like, when it rains, all the worms come out and do a funky little dance? Yeah so basically: the rain is LIT3001 right. And the worms are all of my mental illnesses.”

11: Tomas

Tomas turns 21 on October 13th so naturally like anyone in his early 20s he has multiple crisis’ about it. I still haven’t figured this chapter ~out yet but it sure exists! It just sucks the same way it sucks to be a young adult in the late 2010s. But here’s Kristen being the most relatable character in the book again and getting bullied for it :/

(CW: alcohol)

"I still can't believe you both do a science. Like, it actually baffles me - I could not be more further from that." Kristen refills his glass, measures the vodka level with his index. "Just a babe and his silly little BA against the world."

"You know if you wanna be a BA babe you have to actually, like, graduate."

12: Kristen

Kristen is personally like I will pretend my degree does not exist and honestly? I get it King. He visits his Dad, since he only lives 30 minutes away, but most of the chapter is him thinking about Tomas and their messy friendship and the fact that Tomas is kinda ghosting him despite literally living together :/ Anyway here’s Kristen’s cat :)

Mar snoozes on your pillow, half curled like a croissant. Orange fluff against grey sheets, and you’re not mad at the fur debris she’ll inevitably leave. Her head pops up when you sit next to her, “you forget about me yet?”. You scratch her head and it’s like you’re 12 again and you don’t have to worry about rent or degrees or masters applications or careers or groceries or housemates and you haze through Sundays snoozing in bed with your new kitten. Technically she was a birthday present, but dad couldn’t wait an extra month to adopt her. Said he saw it in her eyes at the shelter, that she belonged here. You named her Marmalade because you were a dumbass eleven year old and also thought marmalade was the shit back then. She stretches her legs and yawns. Plops her head back down, back to sleep. “Yeah, me too.”

13: Tomas

The next three chapters centre around each character’s Halloween, because <3 Halloween my beloved <3. Tomas’ starts off with him and Kristen being ~homoerotic and him being a ~disaster about it.

w[image description: a photo of a blue planet - Neptune - against a black background. In the middle, in a white serif font, reads “You don’t know which palette he’s using, but you remember his favourite is space themed: Mars red, Neptune blue, Jupiter orange - you try to guess which planet he thinks looks best against olive. He taps the brush against the palette. Imagine the planets. How they dandelion in the air.” /end id]

When you sit in front of him, your knees press together. When he tilts your head up, thumb on chin, nail grazing the curve of your lip, his hand is ice on your skin. He studies your face, you close your eyes. When he pulls back, you swear you still feel his thumbprint on your skin. You don’t know which palette he’s using, but you remember his favourite is space themed: Mars red, Neptune blue, Jupiter orange - you try to guess which planet he thinks looks best against olive. He taps the brush against the palette. Imagine the planets. How they dandelion in the air. He holds your head in place, hand sprawls over you cheek like veins. Brushes colour into your eye socket. Underneath the radiator, your phone buzzes twice. Don’t say anything. Ignore your heartbeat.

(before this Tomas threw his phone at the radiator because someone texted him :) yeah okay mood :) )

this story is really about the ~gay disasters and also the ~dialogue

You flop onto your bed, arms crossed over your face. “I dunno. I might just print off all the emails Uni's sent me about my dissertation. Staple them to a jacket and tell people I'm going as mental illness."

"Tomas, if you want to go as mental illness then you don't need a costume at all."

Unfortunately the rest of the chapter is not as fun because plot had to happen but this first scene was :)

14: Junie

Junie is not a fan of Halloween so she gives up halfway through the night and invites the girl she met in her lecture over to bake cookies at 1am instead. Fellas is this gay?

(CW: alcohol)

The girl in the kitchen brought cookie cutters in pink Tupperware. She explains she’s had them since she was eight, but she hasn’t had a chance to use them this Autumn. She has seven: cat, butterfly, crescent moon, heart, three stars matryoshka’d together. “I have more, these are just my go to ones. I’m a bit of a collector.” She lines them up on the counter, you trace the outline of the cat. She says she didn’t want to bring too many, but she likes having the options with no plan, the potential. You want to tell her that, after you invited her over, you spritzed the counters with lavender surface cleaner twice and tucked the discarded vodka and raspberry liqueur bottles in the cabinet you can barely reach. You piled unfolded laundry into your closet and hid drooping plants behind your closed curtains when you had zero intention of her inviting her to your room. You want to ask her why she said yes, why she replied in two minutes at one in the morning, and you want to ask her why people feel the need to cookie cutter themselves into a false potential. She asks if you want to bake with coconut or chocolate chip.

she is actually such a disaster around girls i love her so much

The girl in your kitchen clears up glass that isn’t hers. You drop the measuring jug and it fireworks against tile. No shards lodge in your skin. Whilst she cleans, insists that it’s okay, you brew peppermint tea because you insist it’s the least you can do. The girl tells you a story about how she did the exact same thing, when she was nine, and her mother shrieked so loud the neighbours banged at the door a minute later. She laughs, muted. You apologise again. She insists it’s okay again. Rain hardens against the window, looks like TV static. You breathe in the peppermint steam.

The biggest thing I’ve learnt since drafting is that, at it’s core, this is a love story. And that makes me so excited because so many people, especially in mainstream media, still think that autistic people are incapable of love - or even worse, undeserving.

15: Kristen

Kristen’s favourite holiday is Halloween so naturally on his special day I had to make him go through it :) I can’t share a lot of this, but it feels right to end this beast of an update on this beast of an excerpt because it came to me out of absolutely nowhere and it is one of my favourite passages I’ve ever written OOPS

(CW: death, parental death)

[image description: a cluster of stars against a dark blue, almost black sky. In the middle, in a white serif font, reads “You want to ask your dad how something can end if for you it never began, but he’s asleep in his armchair back home. You look at the stars. You wonder if any of them are her.“ /end id]

You’ve mapped Sheffield’s streets since 13 so you know you’re walking the wrong way. This isn’t the way to Crookes. This isn’t the way out the city centre. You should order an Uber. You keep walking. You stop at a crossing. There’s no cars. You don’t cross. The traffic light flashes red and bleeds on your face. The stars are out tonight, and now it’s 2004 and you’re in the lounge with Lion King in the VHS. You’re off sick and your neighbour - Mel, recently retired, recently widowed - nurses a glass of brandy in your dad’s armchair because you don’t know it yet, but he can’t afford to miss work. You’re sprawled on the dusty-red rug when Simba and Mufasa sprawl in the grass and Mufasa tells Simba that all the stars are the Kings of the past and they are watching over him. You ask recently retired, recently widowed Mel if that’s true; her smile is happy but her eyes are sad and she says “yes, and not just Kings. Nobody leaves Earth, they just move to the stars.”

Ten minutes later, Mufasa is flung off a gorge’s edge; you haven’t studied storytelling yet, but you understand those two moments are connected. And when you relay this to dad over ready made pasta that evening, you ask him if people really live in the stars: Sometimes, when they can’t live here anymore. Then you ask if they can come back from the stars: No, but people remember them. They’ll tell stories about them, so people don’t forget. Then you ask if memories and stories are like stars: A little. Then you ask why they can’t live here anymore: It’s hard to explain, Kris.

After dinner, he lets you play on the plastic slide in the garden as he scrubs the dishes. You climb to the top and try to see faces in the stars, but it’s too cloudy. And after that but before bedtime, you’re sprawled on the dusty-red rug again, and Lion King is in the VHS again, and as Simba and Nala are bathed by their mothers again, your five year old mind connects what’s different about you. You go to ask dad about it, but he’s asleep in his armchair. It’s 2018, you’re stood on a phantom street in Sheffield. You want to ask your dad how something can end if for you it never began, but he’s asleep in his armchair back home. You look at the stars. You wonder if any of them are her.

And I usually don’t do this, but I think the playlist for this wip is absolutely fucking elite, so here’s a handful of the songs that I think encapsulate the story the best:

The Wombats – Greek Tragedy

Duncan Laurence – Arcade

FKA Twigs – Two Weeks

Peach Pit – Alrighty Aphrodite

Khalid – Saturday Nights

Alfie Templeman – Stop Thinking (About Me)

Rina Sawayama – 10-20-40

If you read this far, then I love you and we shall have a platonic wedding this summer. But I cannot express how excited I am about this story and to see where it goes!

#atlastracking #LCOMS #writing update #amwriting #seriously though i have had the best week but also my brain? a fried egg #sfoidhfsdf even before the cut this post is long i hate it here #long post

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desire-tenderness · 3 years

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I will return to old Brazil

I’m three weeks away in New York on a laser and independence trip, I miss home. It’s only two days away and soon I’m back in Brazil to meet my family and friends. I was taking the opportunity to organize some of the things, like some clothes and documents, that’s when I missed my passport. “Where did it go, my God?! My credit card was on the cover. I’ve turned this apartment upside down and can’t find it anywhere. There’s no way I lost! This shit only happens to me. I only have two more days stay in this Irbnb, how will I solve the problem of passport loss in two days without my credit card!? I don’t have a penny more.” [ranting, going into outbreak] “OK, relax, I’m smart! I need to raise money for at least another day or two, I have enough for daily meals. Well, didn’t I want to experience something unique and inspiring? Here’s a chance to have a tragic story to tell and laugh at later.” [I thought out loud] “I can manage as a street performer, starting tomorrow. I take my ukulele and some blank sheets of paper and make illustrations of pedestrians, I hope to reap the benefits of that. The last place I remember seeing my passport was yesterday when I was at the MoMA. Now I need to go back there and hope that I find in the "lost and found" of the place.” [The next day] I woke up early today and I’m already on my way to Central Park, hoping to find a space on Bethesda Terrace to play. The first time I went I saw a young man playing the cello so beautifully, it made me overflow with emotion. I played some songs, I noticed that I had a very positive return looking at the cover of Ukulele, I was curious to tell how much money I had made with those 5 songs played. It’s quite amazing the satisfaction of playing there, people seem to want to hear me play. I thought of ending with Naive - The Kooks and so I did. - I'm not saying it was your fault Although you could have done more Oh, you're so naïve, yet so.. {music}

Soon formed a circle of people singing together, I was shivered, did not imagine that The Kooks still had an audience. A little girl left $16 on the cover of the instrument, it made me float. With less than a minute to go, I saw a wonderfully attractive boy, at least 15 feet away, "do I know you?" I thought while I messed up a song. At the end of the last song I thanked him and forced my eyes to reach the boy again, but he was no longer there. The minute I thanked her, the same little girl started pulling a leather saying "one more, one more". I didn’t have a repertoire anymore and I couldn’t think of anything. The sky was with an attractive texture and the climate had a palette of color that sent me the song Postcards From Italy - Beirut and without thinking too much about whether or not it made sense for the moment, I started playing and singing. As I played, I closed my eyes to feel the instrumental climax of the song that was approaching. And when I opened my eyes the same boy I saw from afar was standing in front of me watching my show. Who was he? Timothée Chalamet. My whole body was frozen with the fright, but I didn’t want to leave anything evident. If I showed my anxiety, that space would turn into an afternoon of autographs and I don’t want to take your time. Did he give me money? The cover of the instrument had received more notes of paper, but for being with eyes closed I could not see. He smiled and nodded, turned away. I kept silent. Second then I hurried thanking everyone for my return, guarding my instrument and taking my bag. I run after him. - Hey! Timo! He turned at the same second, confused, trying to find who called him. He must have noticed me tightening my stride to get close to him as soon as possible. - Hi! Our is a pleasure, I can’t believe it’s really you. I let you go so you wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, but I needed to talk to you and thank you for listening to me play and a lot of other stuff. Sorry, I’m talking too much, all right? I spoke so fast that I hardly breathed. He laughed. - Hi, Beirut, huh? It goes well with today’s weather. It was nice! Am I well and you? Alias, your name? - Do you like Beirut? Gee. My name is (xxxx) but it doesn’t matter now. - Yes, you do. Are you from New York? - No, I come from Brazil. I’m traveling.. The words were disappearing from my mind as the minutes passed, I was somewhat hypnotized. - Cool! I really want to see Brazil someday. Do you want a photo? - Man I want a photo yes. I never thought that moment would be here and now. We took the photo, he thanked me for coming to him and for me playing with such emotion. He finally said that it was "very harmonious". And with a lot of pain in my heart I let him go. "Gee, I met Timothée chalamet two days before returning to Brazil! I must confess that fate has killed, just bring my passport back." [I thought out loud] Arriving at the Moma I received the terrible news that my passport was not there, it was my only hope going down the drain. I wanted to cry out of desperation, but I was also totally happy to have met Timothée and to have taken a picture that I will keep for the rest of my life. "I wish I’d been calmer and sane, I guess I just thought I was crazy. I hope he hasn’t noticed my despair, anxiety and complete fascination. Well, back to what I need to focus on.. Do I get some freelance work at some designer studio? Well, it could be a coffee shop. " The day has gone by so fast, the clock is almost 4:00 p.m. I think I’ll have a cup of coffee and a bite to eat, and I’ll get a job, if that’s not too embarrassing. I thought I’d walk around the West Village and find some cool coffee over there. Said and done, I found a coffee visibly attractive and had a delicious smell coming out the door, but it was empty. I think this is the perfect opportunity for a presentation, so I’m gonna eat something first. I ordered a latte and a lobster, one of my favorite treats. That crispy puff pastry, filled with vanilla cream, caramel and flor de sal makes me roll my eyes. I ate with such desire that I began to remember how surprising my day was. I thought I would make an illustration of the Timothée, a drawing of how I met him, the ambience was delicious to draw in peace and so I did. I noticed that someone came through the cafeteria door, I heard the sound of the door open. It was him, he was again in the same environment as me. The coincidence was so much that I could hardly believe it, I kept my calm. He sat across the room, pretended not to see it.

On the local radio started playing First date - Blink, obviously I started singing and trying to finish my drawing as soon as possible, who knows he could see before going. "Lets go! Don’t Wait! this night’s Almost over Honest, Let’s make this night last Forever' {Music} Suddenly someone came to my table and put a glass of Vanilla Malt and a snack with a great smell. When I looked up he completed the harmony. - Forever and Ever, Let’s make this last Forever. Hi again! "Are you kidding that this is really happening? And if it is not? Well, I will act as if I were dreaming, I can do better in this communication" - I don’t believe it. This is crazy, what are you doing here at my table?! - Would you like me to leave? - You’re crazy, of course not, sit down, please! - So, what are you doing? Wait, that’s... that’s me?! Fuck! [He pointed to the drawing] - hãnn yes, look.. this coincidence I will never live again. Now in my head I go through a cruel dilemma. - Which would it be? Excuse me. [He took the marvelous drawing and took a photo] - Should I finish it and give it to you, or should I ask for an autograph and frame it? - Hmm look.. my autograph is nothing, I would ruin the drawing, but it’s so awesome, I would love it if it was mine, but I took a picture, it’s worth the frame! - Arranged, Mr. Chalamet. I told him about my passport drama and how distressed I was. His face of "Holy shit, I’m sorry, you’ll have a headache" didn’t help. But he offered me real help with this red tape. "Does that mean I’ll see you beyond today?!" - Okay, you’re tense. Let’s break the ice by relaxing with a theatrical technique. I say a word, you think fast and say the first one that pops into your head. -Okay... Can I get started? [What’s going on here? ] -Yes, of course, yes! - Silver - Gold - Desire - Fire - Friend - you - Call me by your name - And I call you by mine. Oh shit! [laughed with his hand in his mouth] - That’s pretty cool hahaha let me ask. What are you going to do now? I’m really surprised to see you "living normally" - It is sometimes I get this feat. But anyway, I have no plans. - Do you want to go to the street cinema and see what classic is going on today? - My God, yes I am, thank you for the suggestion. We left the cafeteria and I didn’t ask for a job, I don’t regret it, my day is being fucking awesome. We went to the cinema of East Village and Singing in the rain was on display, that was perfect! I’ll watch one of my favorite movies with Timothée, it’s the fourth time I’ve pinched myself and I notice it’s not a dream. This day cannot end. We took the tickets and entered without him being stopped or recognized, I was relieved. And sitting next to him in a movie theater, all I could think about was how I wanted to be able to take his hand, kiss it as classically as the movie we’re watching. He made a story, I’m dying to open my phone and see, knowing that I’m next to him and nobody else but me and he knows, fuck!

At the end of the movie we came out, another coincidence or not, it was raining. I had my instrument and drawing sheets in my purse, but I wanted to literally sing in the rain, only without an umbrella. I dropped everything on the stairs and called him into this brief shower of rain. EPIC. I danced and sang in the rain with Timothée Chalamet and he seems absurdly happy about it.

We end with: "Come on with the Rain I have a Smile on my face I walk down the Lane With a happy refrain Just Singin', Singin' in the Rain" - Do you fancy a bagel or something? - I’m in! Tompkins? - Sure, and you have better? I answer, no way. - That’s so sweet, come on! And so we continued, hungry, laughing and wet. I think he appreciates moments like this, you can see in his eyes extreme pleasure and relief, that’s beautiful. The hunger was so great that we ate 3 bagels with bacon, eggs and cheese. We were wet so we ordered for the trip and ate outside. During the final bites we’ll talk about my passport again. - Where was the last time you saw him and when did you realize he was gone? - The last time was in Moma, the day before yesterday. But I went back there and they did not find.. I realized last night when I was starting to leave part of the suitcases ready to "go back to Brazil tomorrow". - Have you looked in the pockets of the clothes you wore when you went to Moma? - I looked at that jacket 10 times and I couldn’t find it. - Why do you think it’s in my jacket? I always carry a full pair of pants. - My God this is so obvious! I took the laundry to the building, if it is there I owe you my life. - Stop it. Can I go with you and film you finding your passport? [He laughed] - That if I find, will know a mix of relief, gratitude and anger. [laughs together] - Come on.

Yes, my passport and credit card were always "with me", were in the inside pocket of the pants as he had said. I was about to explode with relief!

I was ready to corrupt the good impression made during the day, but I was so excited and happy that I jumped in his lap grabbing his neck and kissing his cheeks.

He was silent as he stared at me confused as he held my thighs around his waist. I felt his breath on my neck, I didn’t want to leave, but I needed to.

- I’m sorry, really, I’m just happy. Thank you. - Don’t worry, it’s fine. I’m glad you found it. Do you still want that autograph? - Of course! [ He signed my drawing and took another picture of it, but this time with me holding the art. ]

- Sing one last song before I go. - My God that hard, I don’t know. Huh.. Sing with me? - If I know. Then I started singing Marvin Gaye’s Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, he seemed surprised. "Just call my name I’ll be there in a Hurry You don’t have to Worry'Cause, baby, there Ain’t no mountain high enough Ain’t no Valley low enough Ain’t no river wide enough To Keep me from Getting to you, baby" We laughed and finished. I was almost crying. Shame, I’m not a child. - So that’s it, I will be eternally grateful for today. Thank you and good luck girl, it was a pleasure. He turned and opened the door, waved his hand. And I recited.. "Now, when Twilight dims the sky above Recalling Thrills of our love There’s one Thing I’m Certain of I will Return to old Brazil" He smiled and came back to me, kissing my forehead. - Until one day, anywhere in the world. - See you, Timolito. He came out and I cried. {This is a fanfic. All I write about is my feelings and desires. TEXT BY: L.M }

#timothee chalamet #timothée chalamet #fanfic #nova york

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4bsynthe4ngel · 3 years

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Messages for the Signs this Weekend ! (2/5/21 - 2/7/21)

Applies to all major placements!

Aries:

KEY WORDS: Faith, Patience, Peace, Rest, Reflect

Aries, let go of the need to control everything! Relax! Have faith in your guides! They’re basically screaming that you need to let go of the need to know all the answers and start going with the flow more. You seem hyper-fixated on a goal when in all reality there’s something much better for you out there that you aren’t giving yourself the time to see. Stop overworking yourself, you are allowed to rest. I’m hearing that a lot of you need to take a walk to ground yourself. Pay attention to nature and all of the beautiful things around you, please stop getting so caught up in life!

Taurus:

KEY WORDS: Dreams, Boundaries, Independence, Pleasure, Achievement, Trust, Passion

Wow taurus, there’s a lot to go over here! First of all, theres a huge emphasis on dreams here. You guys need to pay a lot more attention to your dreams, your guides are trying to tell you something! I’m seeing that you guys might be a little confused on where you’re supposed to be going in life. Like you spent so much time doing what others wanted you to do and now you’re not quite sure what you actually want anymore. Think back to what you loved as a child, this will give you a hint on where you should be going. You probably still love all of the little things you loved as a child. Resurrect those passions, it’ll be so relieving. Listen, and don’t act like you didn’t just read this. STOP LETTING THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU CONTROL WHAT YOU DO. ASSERT YOUR BOUNDARIES. TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN DECISIONS. YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH.

Gemini:

KEY WORDS: Wait, Listening, Self-Love, Support, Connection, Playfulness

Geminis, spend some time with your family this weekend, or if your family sucks, your friends. If you have a younger sibling, a friend with a younger sibling, your own child, or just a young child around you, spend some time with them. There’s a lot we can learn from children! Nourish your inner child by letting loose and spending some time around kids! Remember that sense of joy that you’ve forgotten. Also, relax! Take care of your body by giving it a break. Meditate! It seems like a lot of you are avoiding inner child work. That’s your focus this weekend. Nourish your inner child.

Cancer:

KEY WORDS: Wait, Tenderness, Awareness, Friendship, Power, Self-Love, Clearing

Alright cancers, your act of self care this week is cleaning. Some of you seem a little stuck in the past and the best way I’m seeing to fix that right now is to clean! Clear out your closet, get rid of all the things you don’t wear, don’t like, don’t want, etc. Make your bed, run yourself a nice bath, relax, think about all the things you appreciate about yourself, and then jump into those fresh bedsheets in your favorite oversized tshirt and let yourself be comfortable. Oh, and call a friend! (or text them or something it doesn’t really matter just stop isolating yourself so much!) Quarantining is one thing, and I know it feels nice to be alone, but PLEASE stop isolating yourself so much, hang out with a friend, they miss you (and you miss them a lot more than you realize). Plus, it’ll get you out of your head and in the present moment. You can only sit around and think about the past so much, cancer.

Virgo:

KEY WORDS: Peace, Patience, Rejuvenation, Power, Self-Love

Listen virgo, I know y’all are some control freaks, but your guides are getting tired of your shit, and so are you. PLEASE get some rest in this weekend. You are powerful, but you don’t have to spend every waking moment trying to prove that to yourself. Slow down, stop stressing yourself, your body is NOT appreciating it. It seems like a lot of you haven’t been sleeping very well because you won’t stop STRESSING YOURSELVES. Just like aries, you don’t need to have all the answers right now, you don’t always need to know everything. Your guides have your back, I promise, stop worrying. Your act of self care this weekend is getting some good fucking sleep.

Leo:

KEY WORDS: Faith, Power, Rejuvenation, Self-Love, Time, Listening

Alright leos, y’all better start listening to your intuition RIGHT NEOW!! Y’all are so powerful but you doubt yourselves SO MUCH. STOP IT! You need to learn the difference between intuition and paranoia but you’ll never learn if you never listen to yourself to figure out the difference! Also, drink some fucking water. please. Dehydrated mfs. For some reason I’m seeing a lot of you taking a fully clothed shower in the dark, but not because you don’t like yourselves or anything, just because it sounds relieving, and omg it will be. I’m feeling a LOT of tension release from that. Also, y’all need to fix your sleep schedules. “Humans literally spend a third of our lives asleep, that’s a waste of time” is not a valid point. stop it. sleep. Your body is done with your shit.

Libra:

KEY WORDS: Playfulness, Pleasure, Creativity, Relaxation, Independence, Reflect, Risk

Libras, just like gemini, y’all should spend some time with children this weekend. I’m definitely seeing finger-painting or drawing with sidewalk chalk. Remember the pleasures of the little things, let yourself feel that joy. Y’all have the power to move mountains, but you’re caught up in proving that to yourself. Not everything is a mountain, and not everything has to be. Decide where to direct your energy, because putting your energy into making molehills into mountains is getting really exhausting. Give yourselves some time to chill the fuck out. You don’t need to be doing something all the time. I’m getting a lot of capricorn “what am I if I’m not productive?” energy, stop it. Don’t let the capitalist brain get to you. If you really can’t stand doing “nothing”, do some art. It doesn’t have to be good, just let that stress out on a canvas, or a sidewalk, it’ll feel great, trust me.

Scorpio:

KEY WORDS: Rest, Peace, Patience, Revelation

Scorpio, y’all need to learn to be patient. There’s something amazing coming to you if you just learn to wait for it instead of chasing the first offer you see. I’m not sure what else to say actually, this is a super clear message. Y’all just need to wait and stop chasing what you think you want so hard. Rest and re-evaluate. The right path will reveal itself when you find it in you to release this one. It’s okay to not know where youre going, you’ll figure it out, I promise. Stop stressing, scorpios.

Sagittarius:

KEY WORDS: Connection, Support, Priorities

Oooohh, y’all are gonna be spending some time with a special someone this weekend, or if you’re single, some friends! I’m seeing some deep conversations going on and an opportunity to offer your support and advice to someone. This will feel relieving. You might’ve forgotten how nice it can feel to help others with how much you’ve been focusing on yourselves lately. Everyone is seeing the glow-up, I promise, but now is the time to share that growth with others! You also might be evaluating who is actually worth your energy this weekend. You might receive a lot of offers. You know in your heart which ones are worth your time. You won’t make the wrong decision, sag.

Capricorn:

KEY WORDS: Self-Respect, Friendship, Magnificence, Wait, Wisdom

I’m seeing some of you doubting your intuition recently, or generally feeling a little blocked. Learn to trust yourself, and understand your self-worth, y’all, stop getting so down on yourselves. You are amazing, unique, and powerful, without ever having to prove it to yourself (or anyone else for that matter). Spending some time with friends will help you realize this. Call up a friend this weekend and do something random. Don’t plan anything out, just meet up and do whatever feels right. Y’all really need to let go of your need for control, and this is your first exercise in it.

Aquarius:

KEY WORDS: Dance, Self-Respect, Wisdom, Risk, Guidance

Holy fuck, Aquas. Y’all are really being called to make some moves this weekend. I see a lot of you have been thinking of trying to monetize a talent or just otherwise show it to the world, do it!!!! This is your sign, DO THE THING! You know what’s right, you know exactly what you’re supposed to do. You don’t have to know how it’ll turn out, take that risk! Your guides are screaming at you to! They have your back! If you don’t believe me, ask them!! Listen, this is the most amazing reading, it’s so beautiful, PLEASE make whatever move you’ve been thinking of making, it WILL work out. “Take a Risk - You have the power within to move mountains” “Ask for guidance - The Divine will meet your every need” “Step into the light - Share your gifts and talents with the world”. I cannot make this any clearer, AQUAS, D O T H E T H I N G ! R I G H T N E O W !!!!!

Pisces:

KEY WORDS: Pleasure, Tenderness, Dance, Rest

Alright, like aquarius, y’all pisces placements have something you’ve been wanting to monetize, but unlike aquarius, it seems like y’all have been trying pretty hard to monetize it and haven’t spent much time just enjoying it. Whatever you love, just do it because you love it for a while. Stop thinking so hard about it, just relax and enjoy the things you enjoy this weekend. Be nice to yourself, enjoy how far you’ve come in life without constantly pushing yourself further. Think about how far you’ve come. If you’re a musician, slow down learning so many new things and look back on what you know, play some old songs to refresh your memory. If you’re an artist, look back on your old work, do something you used to do as a kid, like fingerpainting or sidewalk chalk drawings. This is how you guys will nourish your inner child this weekend (which is MUCH needed). Appreciate how far you’ve come and allow yourself to relax, you’re doing fine.

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heyyyharry · 5 years

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Chapter 10: Darlings

(from the Flatmate Trilogy: Two Hearts, One Home)

…in which Harry is excited but Y/N is worried.

Word count: 4.4k

Chapter 9: Three’s A Crowd - Harry learns a big lesson, and Y/N cannot tolerate his assistant.

Wattpad link

A/N: Please enjoy and spam my inbox. - Allie.

Y/N was pregnant.

The doctor had confirmed it. A pregnancy test stick had confirmed it. The morning sickness had confirmed it. So it was official. She was now positively pregnant.

Before all of this, she had been devastated and almost depressed thinking she and Harry might not have children of their own. Now that the universe had given them one, she fell into a state where she was constantly afraid and anxious. She'd blame it on the hormones and the way her body was changing. The baby was probably not even...a baby yet, and she had already come up with a bunch of different scenarios where she turned out to be an awful parent. It was not until now that she realized how strong her sister had been for bringing up baby Eleanor on her own. Y/N was lucky to have a loving husband, her family, and supportive friends by her side.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!"

Harry burst right through the door. He had just got back from work, still in his suit, and his face was white. But what he found was just Y/N and Layla sitting on the bed, blinking at him.

"Who just screamed?!"

"Layla did," said Y/N with a beam. "I just told her the news."

"I cannot believe I'm about to be a godmother!" Layla punched the air and then drop her smile to give Harry a questioning look. "Wait...why are you holding a frying pan?"

Y/N was in hysterics when her husband lowered his frying pan and rolled his eyes. "I didn't have time to choose my weapon when I heard you scream. I thought my babies were hurt."

"Ew?!"

"Not you, Layla. I meant Y/N and our actual baby."

Layla ignored him and turned back to Y/N. "He's gonna be using plural nouns from now on, isn't he?"

"He's been doing that since the doctor visit." Y/N gave her best friend a shrug and automatically lifted her face for Harry to kiss. Layla sighed in contentment as she watched them.

"I'm so excited for you guys and also for me! When I was little, I always wanted to be Cinderella and now, I, Layla Scott, is about to be the fairy godmother."

"Who says anything about—" All it took was one fierce glare from Layla for Harry to change his opinion in a heartbreak. "Yes! You're gonna be the best godmother! No doubt!"

"I'm sorry baby Styles," Layla leaned down and whispered to Y/N's nonexistent baby bump. "Your daddy's a fake."

"Well, your aunt Layla's a bully."

"Godmother! Ugh!"

Smirking as Layla jokingly flipped him off, Harry dropped his head to give Y/N a few more pecks, one hand under her chin, the other on her belly. "I'm gonna take a shower now. You ladies have fun without me."

"Don't worry," Layla gave him a lopsided grin. "We always have fun without you."

"Dick."

"Pussy."

"Real mature guys. I can totally see myself trusting you two with this child." Y/N snorted as Harry walked out with his 'weapon' after giving Layla a mocking face.

"Love you, darlings," he said. "And that plural noun doesn't include Layla!"

"Thank you, asshole!" Layla shouted at the closed door, making Y/N laugh even harder.

"He's very excited," Y/N said now that her husband was gone. Though smiling, the girl was subconsciously fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. And even such a little action couldn't get past Layla's eyes.

"What's wrong with you? Why are you upset?"

"What? I'm not!" Y/N scrunched up her face. "I'm perfectly fine."

"You don't look fine though. You blink a lot when you lie."

"I do not!"

"Here she goes again." Layla scoffed. "I don't get it though. You're finally pregnant. Harry's falling more in love with you, I didn't think it was possible, but I was just proven wrong." She stuck out her bottom lip and lifted her shoulders. "So maybe instead of looking constipated the second he turns away, you should be happy."

"I'm not unhappy, I'm just..." Y/N paused to search for the right word and then went with, "worried." Taking a deep breath, she continued, "what if I'm a terrible mother? What if Harry's the favorite parent and I'm the one my kid lies to and keeps secrets from? What if we're both terrible and our kid hates us?!"

"The kid's not even in there yet and you're already freaking out about him or her going through puberty?" Layla breathed as her eyes rolled upward. "Look, I don't hit pregnant women. But I'll slap the shit out of you if you say that again, ya hear me? This isn't you talking. This is the pregnancy hormones. Your anxiety isn't real, okay?" Quickly, she grabbed Y/N's shoulders and signaled the girl to copy her as she inhaled deeply and let go of that breath.

"Feel better?" she grinned. Y/N nodded once, looking less uneasy now. "Good. Just know that we're all here for you. You're gonna be fine."

As it turned out, Layla was right.

Soon the weekend arrived, and the young couple had grown used to the new rhythm of their life. Y/N had been paying more attention to her diet and taking vitamins regularly, so she didn't feel as terrible as she had for the first few days. This morning, Harry had a meeting with a client, so he wasn't there when she woke up. He'd left her breakfast on the kitchen table with a note saying he loved her and would miss her terribly until he came home. After everything that'd happened to them, he was making more effort to make sure she knew how much she meant to him. It began to feel like those college days again, and she wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.

"Nope, I won't do it!"

"I'll pay you."

"You haven't even paid me for catsitting Tiger!"

Y/N brought Treasure toward Nam's desk and couldn't help but overhear his little argument with Stephanie. While the blonde was rambling on, Nam seemed pretty annoyed. That wasn't at all surprising, because Stephanie's only talent besides being a bitch, was being an annoying bitch. Y/N supposed it was mean to think about her neighbor like that. But that woman deserved to be called a bitch after all the things she'd said and done.

"Y/N!" Stephanie grabbed Y/N by the arm the second she saw her. "Tell him to babysit my niece for me!"

"Oh, now you're gonna drag Y/N into this?" Nam laughed wryly as he took the white cat from Y/N's arms. "Even if you promised me a fortune, the answer would still be no. I already know I wouldn't get a single penny from you. At least Treasure's parents pay me well."

Treasure meowed softly as he stroked her head. "Do you agree, my little furry baby? Tiger's parents are stingy white people, aren't they?"

Stephanie rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms. "Well, cats, children, they're all the same."

"Well, thank God, you're not a mother." That was meant to be an insult, but Nam had unintentionally given Stephanie a new idea.

Her eyes lit up as she turned to Y/N. "Since you're about to be a parent, would you like some practice?"

"Oh, no! Leave Y/N alone!"

Stephanie completely ignored Nam as she went on before Y/N could say anything. "Don't worry, my niece's a good kid. Her parents go away on business trips all the time so she's very independent. All you need to do is to keep an eye on her until her mum picks her up."

"How old is she?"

"Y/N, you're not actually considering this!" Nam cried out.

Y/N gave him a shrug as she pursed her lips. "Tomorrow's Sunday, so why not? And I'm also good with kids."

"That's the spirit!" Stephanie smacked her on the arm, causing the poor girl to flinch. "She's five. The sweetest five-year-old you'll ever meet! Her name is Darling."

Y/N saw Nam hug Treasure and turn away as he muttered something, probably cursing Stephanie. But this time, it wasn't Stephanie's fault. Y/N simply thought this was a great opportunity for her and Harry to practice being parents. It was never too soon to get prepared for such a big change in their life.

Besides, with a name like Darling, the girl must be an angel. Now Y/N couldn't wait to talk to her husband about their new plan for Sunday.

"Babe, I still think you're really overthinking this."

"I'm not," Y/N shouted from the living room as she checked her watch. "Would you just hurry up?! We're gonna be late."

"Relax! They literally live just across the hall!" he said and finally stumbled out of their bedroom.

She stared at him, lifting an eyebrow in amusement. "Why are you carrying your laptop?"

"I gotta check my emails." He chuckled and pressed his lips to her temple. "Come on, babe. Let's go fake-parenting."

Laughing, she reached out to hold his hand.

They had never been in Mason and Stephanie's flat and had never intended to set foot in there, unless it was the only safe place in a zombie apocalypse. So when they entered 'the devil's home' for the very first time, their jaws nearly dropped to the floor.

The place was much cleaner and tidier than they'd imagined. Harry had often joked about his cousin's flat looking like a porn movie set, with sex toys hanging on the walls and adult magazines lying all over the place. At least that was how he imagined porn movie sets would look like. However, the flat was actually decent. Y/N amused herself with the thought that, those who had never met Mason and Stephanie would think they were a basic white couple named Kevin and Barbara, who baked cookies and went to church every Sunday. Lesson learned: never judge a book by its cover.

As Y/N went into the kitchen to check what Stephanie had left for them in the fridge, Harry made himself comfortable on the couch (after having made sure there wasn't a cum stain on it) and opened his laptop. They waited for about fifteen minutes when the doorbell rang, and Y/N rushed to it with a big smile on her face. She opened the door and was greeted by a tall woman slightly older than her.

"Hi! You must be Mary!"

"And you must be Y/N, the babysitter!" The lady returned a smile as she fixed her bucket hat that covered most of her bobbed blonde hair. Then, she turned back to call her daughter who was still idling in front of the lift. "Darling, come here, baby!"

The five-year-old pouted as she crossed her arms and waddled toward her mother and Y/N. She was as adorable as the image Y/N had created in her mind, with big bright eyes and brown straight hair that fell right past her tiny shoulders. The ladybug backpack she was wearing was too big for her body that it made her look even smaller. She could be the baby girl Y/N had always wanted. But then again, she shouldn't be. The girl might look like an angel, her attitude, however, said the opposite. Her little round face contorted as she shot Y/N a spiteful glare. Why?! They had only just met!

"Hello, Darling." Y/N crouched down with both hands on her knees despite the unwelcoming reaction. "My name's Y/N. And that—" she pointed at Harry who raised his hand and gave the child a wave "—is my husband, Harry. We're your babysitters for today!"

Darling looked at Y/N, and then Harry, and then back to Mary. She repeated that one more time before telling her mother, "please pick me up on time, mummy. Don't leave me too long with these strangers."

The mother gave a startled Y/N an apologetic grin before turning back to the child. "Of course," she said. "But you gotta promise to be nice and listen to Y/N and Harry, okay?"

Darling looked annoyed as she crossed her arms, still, she replied with a nod, said goodbye to her mum and followed Y/N into the living room.

"Okay." Y/N breathed as she shut the door. "Why don't we just start by getting to know each other?"

Darling shrugged off her backpack and spoke with a straight face, "I want to color."

"Oh, okay." As Y/N plastered a smile on her face, Harry was biting his knuckles so he wouldn't crack up. "I'll get us some paper and we'll color together—"

"I said I, not we."

"Wow..." Y/N heard her husband say, but she was too stunned to react. The kid hadn't broken that intense eye contact with her that made her feel extremely uncomfortable.

She swallowed hard, nodding her head. "S-sure. Why don't you wait on that couch with Harry?"

Darling didn't reply and dragged her backpack toward the couch to sit on the other end, as far away from Harry as she could. Now that his wife had left, Harry thought he should start a conversation to get to know this child. But before he could come up with anything to say, Darling was the one who broke the silence.

"Why do you wear so many rings? Are you married to many women?"

"No!" The man laughed, his eyebrows pulled together. He didn't know why he was nervous talking to this five-year-old when he'd never found it hard to speak to a girl before (Y/N had been a special case). He stuttered for a moment before adding to his answer, "this is my wedding band, see?" He showed her his ring finger, smiling proudly. "This is the only ring that matters."

He thought she would react in a different way, a more childlike and positive one. However, what he got was a hardened expression that seemed like she was silently judging him.

"Are you lying because you think I'm a child so I don't know what cheating is?"

He arched an eyebrow in doubt. "Do you know what cheating is?"

"Yeah, aunt Steph taught me that word," she said casually. "Cheating is when a husband or a wife sleeps with another person that's not their wife or husband."

"Jesus Christ!" His eyes widened as he straightened his back. "She taught you that?!"

"Yeah." Darling nodded once. "But I think she's wrong, because what if you want to have a sleepover with your friends? You have no choice but to sleep with them, right?"

"Right." He chuckled nervously.

Y/N soon returned with some paper, and Harry didn't think he'd ever felt so relieved. Talking to that girl was like being interrogated by the police. He'd never been interrogated by the police before, but in his imagination, this could probably be worse. He took advantage of Darling being distracted by her paper and crayons to drag Y/N to the kitchen, telling her to keep her voice down.

"Harry, we are not having sex while there's a kid in the other room!"

Her reaction made him chuckle as he held her arms. "Who says anything about sex?"

"I'm not sucking your dick either."

"I may be horny for you all the time, but I know my limits. I'm only here to tell you that the child scares me."

"Don't you think it's a little too late for that?" she asked, pointing to her belly.

"No, I mean Darling!"

"You mean what?"

He exhaled and rolled his eyes, but still found the little misunderstanding hilarious. "I was talking about Darling, the little girl."

"Just call her 'the little girl' from now on to avoid confusion."

"Got it." He snorted and proceeded to tell her about their previous conversation in the living room, adding, "I haven't seen her smile, isn't that strange?"

Y/N gave him a shrug. "Maybe she's a mini Wednesday Addams."

"Maybe she's a mini Layla."

"Okay, that's funny."

Harry tried to look as serious as he sounded but his own joke amused him. Smirking, he went on, "I bet she's out there drawing a picture of the two of us with our heads cut off."

"Harry, you're overreacting. She's only a baby," Y/N said and kissed him on the cheek.

Other than being an emo five-year-old, Darling was actually a good kid. She had been quiet the entire time while working on her drawings. She was using a lot of red, which reminded Y/N of what Harry had said earlier, and now she was afraid to see what those 'works of art' were about.

Soon it was lunch and Darling stopped coloring as she told Y/N she was hungry. Y/N wanted to be a good soon-to-be-mother, so she asked her husband to play with Darling while she made some sandwiches for the three of them.

"No, wait, I'll do it!"

Before Y/N could protest, Harry had already dashed into the kitchen. She knew he couldn't cook to save his life but didn't want to fight him on this, so she sat back on the couch and let him be their chef. It would take forever until they had something to eat if at all. So while waiting, Y/N used Harry's laptop to go on YouTube. Just when she thought she could finally relax and watch some funny cat compilations, Darling's loud squeal made her head turn shot up.

"What happened, dear?" Y/N put down the laptop and came to see what was wrong.

The little girl stuck out her bottom lip, her eyes welled up as she held the red crayon now broken in half in her little palm. Y/N squatted on the floor with her elbows on her knees as she gave Darling a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, you can still color with that."

"It's broken."

"Yeah but..." Y/N took the two halves, each in one hand. "Now you have two red crayons."

"Half a crayon doesn't make a new crayon."

"Who told you that?" Y/N asked, her eyebrows rose.

Darling pursed her tiny heart-shaped lips as she thought for a moment. She was probably trying to decide if she should tell Y/N what she'd never told anyone. Eventually, she confessed, "aunt Steph told mummy that mummy and daddy's marriage was a broken crayon. You can still color with it, but it'll make the picture ugly and messy."

Y/N was frozen by those words. A little girl should not have heard something like that about her parents, ever. Feeling a big lump in her throat, she tried to search for the right thing to say to Darling. It was only then that she looked around at the paintings scattered on the carpet. They weren't what she and Harry had assumed. They were just awful, messy, childish drawings of what any child would view as a happy family. Darling had used a lot of red to draw the hearts. There were so many hearts surrounding her, her mother and her dad. She'd even used that red color to cross out the face of another woman standing in the background, who, Y/N believed, was her father's mistress. That explained why she'd thought Harry was cheating. Her dad had done it, maybe all the men would too.

"Here." Y/N picked up one half of the red crayon as she sat down, crossing her legs. To Darling's confusion, she took a new sheet of paper and began to draw.

She'd been told by her niece Eleanor and Jamie, the boy she used to babysit during college, that she was good at drawing. That was what she loved about children. You didn't have to give it your best shot and they would still think you were extraordinary, simply because you were an adult. And she was right. Darling's mouth had formed an 'o' shape as her eyes followed every single movement of the crayon sliding across the paper. She was in awe to see Y/N quickly sketch a house with a nice garden, the fences, some trees, even a swimming pool. Y/N finished her 'masterpiece' with a family of two, a little cat, and an arrow pointing to the woman's belly as she wrote down the word 'BABY'.

"So this..." She sighed happily now that her work was done. "This is my family," she said, pointing to the picture. "This is Harry, this is me, and you can't see the baby because the baby's in my belly."

"Does your house look like this?" Darling asked, her eyes went round. It was the first time Y/N had seen her act like an actual five-year-old. And there was something so endearing about that. This was when Y/N's maternal instinct kicked in, she felt her heart flutter in a way that she'd only experienced when she was with Harry.

"Nah, we live right across the hall," she told Darling. "But this is our dream house."

"Why don't you buy it? It has a pool and everything!"

"We'll buy it someday. Right now, we want to stay here to be close to work and to our friends."

Darling clasped both hands in front of her chest. "Can I come visit when you finally buy this house?"

"Sure, love." Y/N nodded and handed her one half of the crayon. "Wanna draw yourself in?"

"Can I?!" she exclaimed with excitement, smiling from ear to ear. That was the first smile to be seen on her, and Y/N felt so proud knowing she was the reason for it.

"Sure, babe. You can put yourself next to me and the baby."

Harry finally returned with three (slightly burnt, but still edible) grilled cheese sandwiches. After having struggled in the kitchen for half an hour, he was now considering signing himself up for a cooking class so he wouldn't depend too much on his pregnant wife. But maybe he'd save this talk for later, because his mind went blank the moment he saw his wife...laughing with mini Layla.

"H-hey guys," he spoke, catching the girls' attention. "What...what are you guys doing?"

"Darling drew a picture of us. Wanna see?"

"Is my head still attached to my body?"

"Harry!"

"Alright, alright. Coming."

He put the plate down on the table and sat down with the girls on the floor. His reaction was the same one as Y/N had before when he saw what Darling had been drawing the entire time. It was far different from the horrendous scenario he'd painted in his head.

Excited, the girl stood up and raised her artwork to show it to her two audiences. "So this is you, this is Y/N, this is the baby. I made it a girl because I want a little sister."

Harry chuckled but Y/N shushed him so Darling could finish her presentation, "and this is me, the babysitter."

"She volunteered to be our babysitter," Y/N told her husband before he could ask.

"Told ya she's a mini Layla," said Harry as he waggled his eyebrows, making Y/N giggle and pushed him away.

For the rest of the afternoon, things had gotten much better for Harry and Y/N. They played a few games (that was how Harry discovered he gave great piggyback rides) and did some more coloring. Since Harry had accidentally ruined one picture by coloring outside the lines, the girls threatened to take away his crayons, but eventually agreed to let him color the insignificant details like the trees and the flowers in the background. Honestly, that was the most therapeutic activity he'd done in a long time. He didn't even bother to check his emails and chat with his clients and employees. All he cared about was this happy moment with his wife and their play-pretend family of three.

In nine months, this all would be real.

"I told you it'd be worth it," Y/N said contently as she followed Harry into their flat.

Darling had just left with her mum, who had been so surprised when her daughter appeared with a massive grin and showed her the picture she'd drawn with half a crayon. Y/N hoped Mary had understood and would try to do better for her little daughter. That was what that child deserved.

"I love to see you so happy," said Harry as he hugged her from behind, kissing the spot right below her ear as she held his face. "Told you you'd be a great mum. You've been acting like my mum since the first day we met."

She rolled her eyes, a corner of her mouth turned up. "I just realized that the personality of the child depended a lot on her parents' relationship."

"That's right." He nodded, holding her stomach with both hands. "Our baby's gonna be an angel, because we're in love. I love you, you love me, we're a happy family."

"I can't have a deep and serious talk with you if you keep quoting lyrics from Barney & Friends, H."

"You're so lame. Our baby would've loved that." He scrunched up his nose and tilted his head to kiss the corner of her mouth. Then, he brightened. "Hey, I think the name Darling is very cute and unique. Let's name our baby something similar, like Honey. Baby Honey sounds so cute!"

She raised an eyebrow at him, lips pressed together as she tried to contain her laughter.

"No? Okay, I'll come up with something else. But I will not give our baby some basic names like Kevin or Barbara."

She froze. "Wait, how d'you..."

"Did I say something wrong?" He gave her a confused smile as he didn't get why she seemed so shocked.

Y/N slowly shook her head and kissed the dimple on his cheek. "I almost forgot that we were like the same person sometimes. Is it weird that I want to marry you again?"

"Not at all. I would do it all over again with you." He beamed, holding her tighter. "Don't worry, love. I promise that I will be the most responsible father and role model—

"Harold!" Mason's voice on the other side of the door interrupted Harry at once. "Harold, I have your laptop!"

"Shit, my laptop!"

"Let's see what kind of porn you have in here!"

"Fuck you, Mason! Give it back right now!"

Y/N hadn't said a word but Harry had already chased his cousin down the hallway. With a gentle smile, she stared at the open door and said to their baby, as if it'd already been there, "we'll give your daddy another try tomorrow."

#flatmate!harry #husband!harry #ceo!harry #harry styles fluff #harry styles writing #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles series #harry styles imagines #harry styles fanfics #harry styles fanfictions

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amwritingmeta · 5 years

Text

21 Supernatural Questions

I was tagged by @deletingpoint - thanks for the kind words, girl!! Made my day! You rock the block! And yes don’t mind if I do join in, this looks fun. :P

1. When did you start watching Supernatural?

I’d seen stray episodes before - I’ve absolutely no clue which ones - but then I binged S1-6 in 2013 while being ill with the flu and I was hooked before it came up, because I loved S1-3 and the brother dynamic and thought it was a really awesomely well-written piece of television, but when they introduced the will-they-won’t-they-make-this-uber-masculine-guy-be-into-guys-and-specifically-the-guy-with-wings I was pretty much gone for. So I caught up on the show and watched it until a few episodes into S9 (don’t judge me, I was surface watching and couldn’t get with the program at the time because why wasn’t Dean gay already??) and then I quit watching for a few years because I couldn’t stand the grey area and the uncertainty. I also wasn’t invested enough to stand it, tbh, and felt, naw, I’ll get back to this if it ever seems like they’re actually gonna do anything with this thing they’re hinting so strongly at. Picked it back up while S12 was airing and here we now are.

2. Who is your favorite in TFW?

But the other two might get jealous!

(okay, it’s Cas)

3. Who is your least favorite in TFW?

They’re the holy trinity and none of their character progression works without all of them taking up their allotted space in the narrative and how can you not love them all what is wrong with this question why am I hyperventilating why aren’t they beloved equally gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

(but Cas is my favourite)

4. Tag your top 5 Supernatural blogs!

I sincerely can’t, but I can tag a few people whom I very much appreciate and whose answers to this questionnaire I would be intrigued to see: @godshipsit @charlie-minion @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs @waywardliliana @natmoose @purgatory-jar @myed89 @inacatastrophicmind @rustling-pages @angelneedshunter @nerdylittleshit @obsessionisaperfume @assbuttboyfriends @misskittyspuffy @starsinursa @postmodernmulticoloredcloak @casismybestfriend @mittensmorgul @elizabethrobertajones - you’re all like bursts of colour and glitter glue and I’m happy you’re around! :) (btw I always find it awkward to tag specific peeps because there are so many of you lovelies that I would honestly tag so just know that this most likely includes you) (yeah that’s right) (YOU) <3

5. Who is your favorite character (not including TFW)?

Jack

6. Who is your favorite woman in Supernatural?

Rowena

7. John or Mary?

Mary

8. What were your first opinions of Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack?

Sam: my first impression of him was very coloured by my impression of Jared as Dean on Gilmore Girls, so to hear someone call Jared Sam and then this Sam call someone else Dean was a bit jarring while watching the pilot. My earliest opinion of Sam was that he was kind, good with people, skilled, independent and, yes, haunted by past choices.

Dean: Immediate impression was oh, he’s one of those guys, and then almost straight away that first impression was blown to bits and everyone knows that he’s very, very easy to fall in love with quickly, so my love for him grew strong within a few episodes, for sure. First opinion formed holds until this day: someone who’s lost and who’s searching for a way home. In every sense of that sentence.

Cas: Holy shitballs, who’s this now?? was pretty much my first reaction to Cas’ entrance. It blew me away. It was an absolute game changer. It made me sit up. It made my brain go... are they... are they going to make Dean Winchester... is Dean Winchester into men?? And because on my first watch I’d not seen the little hints of this that now are so damn glaringly obvious, the chemistry between Dean and Cas literally made a lot of shit click into place for me regarding what I was potentially actually watching, and raised my emotional investment sky high considering the possible social commentary baked into the overall message of family and identity, and yeah, that still holds true to this day.

Jack: I was ready to fight tooth and nail for him after 12x19. That episode is still one of the best 42 or so minutes of television I’ve ever seen. The plant of Jack as a needed push for Cas’ progression hit me in the heart, and once it clicked that Jack represented the holy trinity of Heaven, Hell, Humanity, and how he might narratively prove a knitting point for TFW, something for them all to rally around, well, I was pretty much done for.

9. What’s your favorite season?

This is a really hard question because watching a season from start to finish means taking all of it in, and all of them - when start-to-finished - I feel are rather outstanding, but twist my arm and I’ll say: S1 or S4 or S5 or S8 or S9 or S11 or S13 (I can’t narrow it down to just one season alright?) and S14 and looking at what we have so far with this unfinished season I’d name S15, definitively.

10. What’s your least favorite season?

Oh, man. Make a girl sweat. So, here’s the thing, I genuinely see each season as adding something valuable to the whole, you know? I suppose S6 drags a bit, but I really like the tone and the noir sensibility of it, so I wouldn’t really call it my least favourite, but if I were to choose one season to binge over a weekend, S6 wouldn’t necessarily be first pick.

11. Opinions on Destiel?

Ah, yes, the obligatory essay question. Please see attachment. *points to blog*

12. Do you believe Supernatural queerbaits?

Look, to my mind, the reason Dean and Cas aren’t together yet is character related. They need to get their fucking ducks in a row. (and then those ducks will hopefully be fucking all over the place) (okay that’s graphic bird sex but you know what I mean) (not literally Dean and Cas dressed up as ducks and fucking) (but like... good stuff for the eyes will be happening that isn’t necessarily fucking feather related) (wait) (oh ffs brain!!) (you HAD to go there didn’t you??) (moving on) (or rather answering the question) --> I don’t believe they queerbait, no.

13. Seasons 1-7 or 8-14?

8-15x03

14. Favorite villain (plot wise)?

*chills are multiplying*

I love Chuck as the Big Bad, sincerely, but oh mannnn Michael.

15. Do you think they should end the Lucifer plot line?

Yeah, this questionnaire has been in drafts for a while now so um... I mean, the Lucifer plot line as it pertains to SAM should reach a satisfactory conclusion, but as it pertains to Lucifer’s play for Jack and breaking God’s toys etc. yeah, no, done.

16. Who do you think has gone through more trauma (Sam, Dean, or Cas)?

That’s too relative to their highly linked, and yet wholly individual relationship with their past and lingering sense of trauma. I think @deletingpoints reply was something along the lines of: Can you measure trauma? And I agree. They’ve all been deeply traumatised at different stages of their life and they’ve all dealt with their individual trauma in different ways.

17. What’s your favorite Supernatural episode?

I’m sorry, what? I thought you just asked me to pick one favourite episode out of 3678916236363487236783 times infinity. This is mathematically impossible and since I’m sadly not fluent in math and have absolutely no access to any type of calculator or abacus or, I don’t know, a neighbour who happens to make amazing fucking latte and dresses in knits and is attractive in a non-conventional way and also happens to be a math genius, I must reject the question outright and plead the 105th. (i.e. I cannot possibly)

18. Do you like case episodes?

Where’s that gif of Dean going Dude Yes?

^^^

19. Who do you relate most to in TFW?

Darling Cas. Socially awkward and lost but growing into his own skin Castiel. My God, I love him so dearly. There are not words for how much I relate to him, or for what he’s done for my personal self-reflection, or how much I’m now re-relating to his need to push himself out of his comfort zone and dare. I owe him. *hugs into oblivion*

20. Why do you like Supernatural?

Ohhhhh, goody, one of those multi-choice questions. Is it:

a) because of the absolutely stunning character journeys

b) because of the absolutely smashing world and all its mythology

c) because of the underlying social commentary and the intricate use of subtext to effectively, though subtly, bring ideas linked to the conscious/unconscious sides to us into not only the use of already mentioned mythology, influencing the world building, but also wholly guiding, impacting and giving momentum to the already mentioned stunning character journeys

d) all of the above

e) all of the above, and a little bit more that would take an actual book to relay

E. It’s E. All the way the answer is E.

21. If you could bring back one character and kill off another who would they be?

I’d bring back Eileen and holy moly Shoshanna is coming our way. And I don’t have a character to kill off tbh. Let them live, I say. :)

I genuinely tag EVERYONE. Go on, everyone, you know you wanna! :) xx

#tag me if you decide to #tag along #:D

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avengersmusings · 4 years

Photo

FULL NAME: Steven Grant Rogers MEANING: Crown, Wreath NICKNAME: Steve, Stevie, Cap, Daddy MEANING: Steve’s a shortened version of his name; Stevie was a nickname started by his mom and picked up by Bucky; Cap is usually what the team calls him; Daddy is Elise’s name for him :) AGE APPEARANCE: Appears 30, is actually 102 BIRTHDAY: July 4th, 1917 ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Cancer SPECIES: Enhanced Human GENDER: Cis Male ALLERGIES: None SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Bisexual THEME SONG(S): America’s Suitehearts by Fall Out Boy; Dancing with Our Hands Tied by Taylor Swift, Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley; Radioactive by Imagine Dragons

APPEARANCE

HAIR COLOR: Dark Blonde/Light Brown HAIR STYLE AND LENGTH: Close cut in the back with a little bit extra on top. Think Infinity War style hair. EYES COLOR: Blue EYESIGHT: 20/20, now. Holy shit it was terrible before the serum. HEIGHT: 6″2′ WEIGHT: 230 lbs OUTFIT/CLOTHING STYLE: The uniform is a must on mission but when he’s being Steve and not Captain America it’s kahkis and plaid shirts and button ups and old man clothes. ABNORMALITIES: None. DISTINGUISHING MARKS(SCARS,MOLES): Stretch marks along hips and stomach area from serum, small injection scars from the serum, and that’s about it. Maybe some moles here and there. SELF CARE(MAKE UP): Steve always looks put together okay, the 40s shoved that into him and won’t let go. FIRST IMPRESSION ON PEOPLE: People either underestimate him because they think he’s a “dumb blonde” or immediately respect him because he’s Captain America. SKIN COLOR: White mixed BODY TYPE/BUILD: Lean, Muscular, built like fucking truck with a tiny ass waist. DEFAULT EXPRESSION: It’s either “I have no idea what I’m doing” or “you WILL follow orders” there’s no in between. POSTURE: Honestly it depends? Steve makes himself smaller and tries not take up too much space but Cap? Takes up space and commands the room when walking in. PIERCINGS: None. DESCRIBE THEIR VOICE: Steve’s voice has a subtle Brooklyn accent and takes on a softer tone than you’d expect out of him. His voice hardens and deepens when he goes in Captain mode.

RELATIONS:

MOM: Sarah Rogers HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: Steve’s mom was his whole world before she died. Sarah took care of him when he was sick and her death almost ruined him. DAD: Joseph Rogers HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: Joseph died when Steve was young, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t remember how terrible his father was. The man was abusive and the day he got shipped off to WW1 was the best day for Steve and Sarah. SIBLINGS: N/A HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: N/A CHILDREN: N/A HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: N/A OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS: N/A PAST LOVER(S): Peggy Carter (Ex-Crush) CURRENT LOVER: Elise Burke and Bucky Barnes REACTION TO MEETING SOMEONE NEW: Steve can talk to anyone okay, he makes friends with everyone he meets. ABILITY TO WORK WITH OTHERS: Steve is a team player you cannot tell me he isn’t. HOW SOCIABLE(LONER,ETC): Steve is basically a puppy he’s sociable and outgoing. FRIENDS: The Avengers team, Wanda Maximoff, Elise, Bucky. PETS: Scout, a golden retriever. LEAST FAVORITE TYPE OF PERSON: Bullies, men who take advantage of other people. PARENTAL TYPE(PROTECTIVE,ETC): Protective, Will do anything and everything for his kid. FAVORITE PEOPLE: Elise, Bucky, Clint, Thor, the rest of the Avengers LEAST FAVORITE PEOPLE: Red Skull, Bullies, ignorant people.

PERSONALITY:

..WHEN YOU FIRST MEET THEM: ? Distant, Confident, and Inspiring ..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY LIKE YOU): Affectionate, Warm, Funny. ..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY DISLIKE YOU): Intimidating, Closed Off, Guarded. FAVORITE COLOR: Blue FAVORITE FOOD: New York Style pizza, hot dogs, anything covered in cheese thanks. FAVORITE ANIMAL: Doggos FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: Saxophone FAVORITE ELEMENT: Air LEAST FAVORITE COLOR: Yellow LEAST FAVORITE FOOD: Anything from the 40s. LEAST FAVORITE ANIMAL: Emus, the bullies of the animal kingdom. LEAST FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: Honestly none of them? LEAST FAVORITE ELEMENT: Water HOBBIES: Art, slow dancing, warm baths or lounging in sunlight. USUAL MOOD: Friendly and approachable but also keeping a slight aura of leadership.

DRINK/SMOKE/DRUGS: Nope, not really. None of them have much affect on him and he was too sick to get into the 40s habit of smoking. DARK VERSION OF SELF: Most likely brainwashed into believing Hyrda is right, follows any order without hesitate or regard for civilian life, the “perfect Soldier”. LIGHT VERSION OF SELF: Intelligent, quick to make a call that will save as many people as possible, rushing headlong into trouble to help out a civilian. HOW SERIOUS ARE THEY: In Cap mode? Full on serious nothing can make him crack, but as Steve? He’s somewhere in the middle. BELIEVE IN GHOSTS: No. If so his dad would probably be hanging around and he doesn’t want that. (IN)DEPENDANT: Both honestly? Like Steve likes to pretend to be this independent person who doesn’t need help, but he also secretly craves it. So I’d say somewhere in the middle. SOFT SPOT/VULNERABILITY: BUCKY AND ELISE, failing the team or not saving something, doing something without regard to personal safety or well being. OPINION ON SWEARING: Steve won’t curse in public okay, that’s the 40s “good Catholic boy” upbringing in him but in private? He was in the army and BUCKY IS HIS BEST FRIEND :) DAREDEVIL VS CAUTIOUS: Steve “I don’t know what a parachute is” Rogers is the opposite of cautious. MUSIC TYPE: Older, softer music. MOVIE TYPE: Romantic Comedies, Comedies in general, Musicals. BOOK TYPE: History books, and then he gets mad about facts that are wrong. GAME TYPE: Cards, maybe? Those have been around for a while so they haven’t changed that much. COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE: Steve would rather die than be cold. He enjoys warmer weather and sunshine and just not being cold. SLEEPING PATTERN: Steve’s an old man that’s in bed before 10 and up at like 8. He also takes up A TON of space in the bed and basically smothers whoever he’s sleeping with. CLEANLINESS/NEATNESS: Steve prefers things to be neat and orderly but isn’t bothered by a little mess. As long as it doesn’t get too bad or become a habit. DESIRED PET: So many dogs. HOW DO THEY PASS TIME: Doodling on scrap papers, boxing, lounging around in sunshine or warm spaces. BIGGEST SECRET: I feel like Steve really doesn’t have secrets? Maybe his dad being abusive because he doesn’t really want to talk about it. HERO/WHO THEY LOOK UP TO: Bucky and Elise. WHAT ANIMAL WOULD THEY BE: A golden retriever. FEARS: Being trapped in a cold, tight space, losing Elise or Bucky, failing the team and causing someone’s death, being lost in time again. COMFORTS: Elise’s perfume and Bucky’s aftershave, running laps with Scout, his mom’s old records, and reruns of old cartoons.

HOW DO THEY ACT WHEN THEY ARE:

SAD: Steve distants himself when he’s sad. A leader isn’t allowed to show weakness and sadness is one. He also likes talking through things that make him sad. HAPPY: Playful, energetic, probably smothering you with his biceps on accident because he gets touchy feely and wants a hug. ANGRY: Depending on how angry; it’s either the “you’ve messed up” face of disappointment or cold fury with biting, harsh words. Fists will also be thrown if he gets angry enough. AFRAID: Again, this is a weakness a leader isn’t supposed to show so Steve tries to hide it as much as possible. He withdraws and hides away until he works it out on his own or someone finds him. LOVE SOMEONE: SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW BODYGUARD/BEST FRIEND. Steve will literally do anything for someone he loves. Anything. He’s loyal beyond believe and up for anything they ask him. HATE SOMEONE: Steve doesn’t hate that many people but those he does quickly realize that an angry Captain America is not something you want coming at you. WANT SOMETHING: Steve? Allowing himself to get what he wants? Don’t know her. He’s the definition of “waiting over 70 years to tell my best friend i love him” type of guy. CONFUSED: You know that cute look dogs get when they’re confused and trying to work things out? That’s Steve thanks.

HOW DO THEY REACT TO:

DANGER: Danger is Steve’s middle name because he cannot stop himself from running headfirst into it. SOMEONE THEY HATE WHO HAS A CRUSH ON THEM: Steve gets confused because he still sees himself as the tiny 90 pound scrawny kid and nobody really wanted that. PROPOSAL TO MARRY: Steve’s not against the idea of marriage, but it’s also not something he knows they can really do? So I don’t really know how he’d react to that. DEATH OF LOVED ONE: Each loss feels like a personal defeat for Steve so it’s twice as bad. But after losing pretty much everyone he’s ever cared about (even if Bucky came back) it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. DIFFICULT GAME/MATH/ETC: That’s something that gets tossed aside until he has time to work it out, or send it to someone that can solve it quicker. INJURY: Steve gets injured and doesn’t realize it until after the mission is over like every time they go out. However, if one of his team gets injured, he’s taking down whoever hurt them. SOMETHING IRRESISTABLY CUTE: Steve immediately wants to go over and hold whatever it is. Babies, dogs, you name it. LOSS OF HOURS OF WORK: ........no this doesn’t happen.

KNOWLEDGE:

LANGUAGES: English, ASL, French, a little German. SCHOOLING LEVEL: High School & Some Art School FAVORITE SUBJECT (S): Art, History, & Writing INTERESTED CAREERS: An artist, maybe? EXPERTISE: Combat, Shield Mastery, Master Tactician, Enhanced capabilities PUZZLES: Puzzles take him a minute but the serum helps him figure them out rather quickly. CHEMISTRY: Chemistry is probably NOT Steve’s forte but he can follow along with basic things. MATH: Again, not his forte but he understand basic things. Plus throwing the shield takes some math skills. ENGLISH: Steve was surprisingly good at English in school, from interpreting things to reading above grade level. It was one of the few interests he had that didn’t make him sicker. GEOGRAPHY: Steve can read and understand maps. POLITICS/LAW: Politics and the Law are Steve’s thing. He frequently fights against people on the internet about their political views and will fight against laws he doesn’t agree with. ECONOMY/ACCOUNTING: The economy doesn’t really interest Steve, but he’s fully aware of the class divide and how bad some people have it. Current situations remind him a lot of pre-Depression times so he tries to help out as much as possible. COOKING: Steve cannot cook, he tries but cannot. SEWING: Sarah taught Steve at a young age how to sew because “if you’re going to keep ruining your clothes it’s time you learned to fix ‘em yourself STEVEN”. MECHANICS: Steve knows OF cars yes. BOTANY (FLOWERS): Besides the fact that flowers are a thing? Not so much. MYTHOLOGY: This is probably another subject Steve doesn’t know much about, it conflicts with his Catholic views he had growing up. DRAMATICS(ACTING,SINGING): God Steve hates even thinking about this because of the Cap tour. Ouch. READING LEVEL: Above average. Steve read for fun while sick so he’s well above where he should be. HOW GOOD ARE THEY AT PLANNING AHEAD: Steve lives off planning ahead okay. It’s his JOB as team leader to be 4 steps ahead of everyone and the bad guys. Rip Steveo.

ROMANCE:

DO THEY TAKE INITIATIVE: No, not really. He’s more content to be pulled around and go with the flow. HOW DO THEY ACT(SHY,ETC): In public? Shy, 40s boy out to play. In private? Probably the same what a loser. GENTLEMAN/LADYLIKE VS KLUTZY: Gentleman-like, please. GO SLOW VS JUMP INTO: S L O W as fuck. PROTECTIVE: Hi hello have you met Steve? ACT LIKE FRIENDS OR LOVERS: B O T H. WHAT KIND OF PRESENTS DO THEY BUY: Steve’s always bringing home flowers or gifts just because. Things for Elise to wear or a plant for the house? Also a random homeless puppy? Yeah Steve’s probably brought it all home at some point. TYPE OF KISSER: Honestly, Steve’s probably soft because he’s a soft boy but that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when he can be rough :) DO THEY WANT KIDS: He can’t have them but he wouldn’t mind having one. DO THEY WANT TO MARRY: Yes, even though he really cant. MAKE GOOD OR BAD DECISIONS: Bad decisions are unintentionally made because Steve is a reckless idiot. ARE THEY ROMANTIC: Y E S. HOW ARE THEY IN BED: Steve likes making sure both Elise and Bucky are well taken care of even at the expense of his own pleasure okay. GET JEALOUS EASY: Not really? After everything they’ve all been through none of them really have to worry about anything. WIFE/HUBBY BEATER: You mean beating up people that do this? Hell yeah. MARRY FOR MONEY: Nope. FAVORITE POSITION: Steve enjoys being plowed by Bucky while Elise is on top of him thanks. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN ON THEIR DREAM DATE: Naked art time. Just using Bucky and Elise as a canvas and making a mess while doing it? Yes please. OPINION ON SEX: Sex was always something Steve wasn’t really interested in? Mostly because nobody wanted him (or so he thought) but now that he has two people that always want him? It’s a good workout and way to spend time with his two favorite people.

#char: steve rogers #steve: bio

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 5 years

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· Did it ever occur to OP that the reason that people say the exact same shit whenever Spidey comes up in the media is because the exact same problems keep appearing!

· Yes people COMPLAIN about the exact same shit....because there is continuously the exact same problem warranting complaint.

· ‘People going into MCU Spidey movies don’t understand what they want from the MCU version’. Wow. Just...wow. Elitist much? Condescending much? Holy shit. It’s fairly simple what people want. They want to be entertained by a rendition of the character that is on a spiritual level fundamentally respectful of the character and his original intentions. Case in point, MCU Captain America has differences from the comic books, Bucky for example was his teen sidekick not his BFF of the same age. But that didn’t matter because the biggest point was Bucky was still his best friend in both versions and his death still rocked him. Iron Dad and Iron Man Junior is proveably against that original spirit for the character because Spider-Man was created specifically to NOT have that kind of dynamic at all but be independent. He can interact with other heroes, there was even a whole comic book dedicated to that. But he was nobody’s junior. He didn’t answer to anyone. He wasn��t being written to resemble any other superhero. Oh and another teeny tiny thing that’s part of the spirit of Spider-Man? Uncle Ben is his Dad. Tony Stark isn’t Uncle Ben.

· Also nice research there buddy. ‘Spider-Man has been a character for over 60 years now’ I get you were not 100% on it. But you couldn’t even quickly google the year he was created? 1962. He’s 56 going on 57.

· Yes. Spider-Man has had many different interpretations and versions. That’s not an excuse to do anything. There is a reason some of those interpretations and versions WERE BAD! I honestly cannot fathom this thinking ‘This happened in the past therefore it’s okay for it to happen again’. Okay cool so it’d be fine and dandy if Spider-Man was revealed to be a clone then smacked his pregnant wife around would it? It’d be fine if he was stranded on another planet ruled by furries would it? Why not. That’s an interpretation of Spider-Man right? Oh wait no they aren’t that is why the word ‘MISinterpretation’ exists

· The reason fanboys and fangirls (I will give it to him at least he didn’t pretend fangirls don’t exist and that only men could be the problem) say MCU Spidey isn’t right is because he literally isn’t. Characters aren’t playdough, you can’t contort them into any and every shape and still call it the character

· Also how messed up do you have to be to subtextually imply that no one complained abut any version of Spider-Man before the MCU. As if people didn’t complain about the Nick Hammond TV show or Spider-Man Unlimited

· ‘What even is right’. Right is anything that respects the fundamental defining concept and themes of the character as originally envisioned. I.e. a grounded, relatively realistic super hero with relatable problems who was smart, in poor financial shape, his own man s a superhero and fundamentally driven by responsibility and guilt stemming from his father figure’s death that he could’ve prevented had he used his powers altruistically and not selfishly. That’s it. That’s what’s right. That allows plenty of room for interpretation but it also defines a fundamental bedrock to respect

· Spider-Verse isn’t a comment on every interpretation of Spider-Man. it’s saying anyone can be Spider-Man, as in we all have the capacity to be heroes and use whatever power we have responsibility to help others. So...who missed the point again?

· This also pretends like every character in that movie is an interpretation of Spider-Man. They aren’t. They are altered versions that deliberately exist within the context of audience familiarity. Spider-Man: Noir is not an interpretation of Peter Parker. He isn’t someone looking at Spider-Man’s source material and saying ‘You know what is a hot take on this? A 1930s hard boiled detective kinda guy’. That’s just taking the character of Spider-Man and then overlaying traditionally Pulp//noir elements OVER him. Like you could interpret Halmet in such a way you set it in the modern day. But when you do Hamlet but he’s a teen girl in a mech suit then that’s not an interpretation, that’s an interpretation over layed with something else. Like there is a fucking reason in Spider-Verse they present you with versions of Peter Parker who ARE closer to the original version and wherein characters like Gwen and Miles were not versions of Peter Parker. Miles is his own character. Gwen is her own character. MCU Spider-Man isn’t his own character. He is supposed to be Peter Parker. And he isn’t.

· There is a difference between a fucking Elseworlds take on Spider-Man where he is like a Medieval Knight and an adaptation of him like the Spec cartoon or the 1994 cartoon or the pre-MCU movies

· Whether MCU Spider-Man has depth or not isn’t the discussion. I’ve not thought about it to be honest. Maybe he does have depth. But that’s not people’s problems. People’s problems is that his character (regardless of how deep it is) ISN’T Spider-Man’s character.

· Wait what? MCU Spider-Man has depth it’s just less obvious than in the older movies because they are focussing upon reintroducing him....huh? Putting aside how character depth is something you usually always focus on...why focus on reintroducing a character we already know over making him a character of depth? We already know who he is. Isn’t that why we didn’t do the origin again

· ‘MCU Spider-Man’s depth comes from being Iron man’s understudy and Iron Man is now dead’ Yes...and that is the problem. Because Spider-Man was created to NOT be anyone’s understudy

· ‘We are going to see how Peter responded Uncle Ben through the lens of Tony Stark’....wtf is this guy talking about? WTF does that even mean? Tony could never be portrayed even metaphorically as ‘that Uncle Ben figure’ for Peter because the whole conceit about Uncle Ben’s death and it’s impact on Spider-Man was that IT WAS PETER’S FAULT! Tony’s death WASN’T Peter’s fault. Not to mention Tony wasn’t his Dad! Uncle Ben was. Like how broken does your understanding of Spider-Man have to be that you honestly think that Spider-Man simply responding to any loved one dying is the deal with Uncle Ben.

· We don’t know if Peter will be literally Iron Man Junior by the end of the movie. But the objections are that at any point in this movie the idea of Peter being Iron Man Junior is a defining part of his story because that actively has no place in Spider-Man’s story! It’s literally against THE POINT of his character!

· ‘The movie’s message is going to be that he doesn’t need to be Iron Man but Spider-Man?’ According to what? Maybe that will be the message the movie sends but the OP hasn’t seen the movie and couldn’t therefore know that. all we have are the trailers and the trailers don’t say that at all. They have Happy telling Peter Tony died knowing he’d be there to pick up the pieces. Peter saying the world needs the next iron man. Fury asking if he’s going to step up to fill Tony’s shoes. That’s the OPPOSITE of the message OP is alleging the movie will have

· ‘If it’s MCU Spider-Man then it’s not the real Spider-Man’....yeah....no lies detected

· ‘There is no such thing as the real Spider-Man’ Gerry Conway, Steve Ditko and Stan Lee would disagree. Real Spider-Man is the original Spider-Man. how could he not be when it’s the version every other version comes from and bases itself on to some extent. The version that made him popular. Also that’s not the issue. It’s not the issue that people are complaining it isn’t 1:1 the same as the comics but that it violates THE POINT of the comic book version!

· ‘There is no definitive Spider-Man’ say OP over an image of the single most iconic Spider-Man story of all time written and drawn by his original creators

· ‘My interpretation of Spider-Man is different to your interpretation’...Jesus.....there is a reason the word ‘misinterpretation’ exists. An interpretation can be wrong. And other interpretations are only as valid as the evidence you can bring to bear in support of them. If you write Hamlet like Macbeth you’ve misinterpreted Hamlet. If you argue Macbeth saw Banquo’s literal ghost or it was all in his head both are valid interpretations, but arguing it was aliens holographically projecting Banquo’s ghost into his head is not because there is no evidence supporting that

· So whilst we might all have different interpretations of Spider-Man that doesn’t mean we are all right. E.g. when OP says he thinks the MCU movies have the essence of Spider-Man he is essentially admitting he doesn’t know what the fuck the essence of Spider-Man is

· ‘Maybe just let go of things’ Oh fuck off. This rendition of Spider-Man causes problems within the fandom because Marvel imposes upon other versions of the character (including the original version) elements from that version. They contort those other versions. And it’s disrespectful to the original fanbase who made Spider-Man popular enough to WARRANT him appearing in movies in the first place. We supported a character who represented a particular philosophy and side of the human experience and that made the brand successful enough to be turned into a movie which was then contorted to be nothing like that.

· Imagine being so deluded that you say that people who dislike MCU Spider-Man because he goes against the essence of the original character are not in the same group as those who do not ‘genuinely’ like this version of the character

· Plenty of people are willing to accept a new interpretation of Spider-Man. Most Spider-man fans enjoyed the Raimi movie which was a new interpretation. Most fans loved Into the Spider-Verse. Most fans loved the ps4 video game which was in fact based upon stories most fans didn’t even like. But there is a line in the sand between a new interpretation and ‘this is literally just the character in name only’. That line in the sand is the point where Peter Parker (aside from the visuals) is based upon Miles Morales, has Iron Man in place of Uncle Ben and is akin to his sidekick

· People don’t have a rigid structured mentality towards Spider-Man. they literally just want ‘normal kid, nobody’s sidekick, uncle ben is his dead Dad, great power=great responsibility’ respected. That’s it. that’s all. Nobody is demanding that Peter live in the 1960s. Nobody is saying Peter shouldn’t interact with other superheroes. They are simply saying ‘can you maybe respect the defining themes of this character, the entire point behind his creation please’. Like if they created a version of Punisher who doesn’t kill, is never implied to kill and is motivated to reform criminals would you be saying you are just too rigid to enjoy that interpretation because Punisher isn’t murdering criminals

· Imagine being so delusional you think Venom is a version of Spider-Man instead of you know...Venom

· The OP’s problem is that he is treat the mere existence of ANY version of Spider-Man as valid versions. They aren’t. I loved Venom but it was aweful. It was an aweful take on Venom and if you treat it as a version of Spider-Man it was even worse.

· Imagine being so up yourself you declare people wanting Spider-Man to be...like Spider-Man...as ‘whining’.

· It boils down to this. The argument OP is making is that every interpretation is valid, Spider-Man can be anything. Which is another way of saying....Spider-Man is nothing.

· ‘Just accept new interpretations’ I don’t accept crap and neither should you.

· How the fuck is someone saying they dislike MCU Spider-Man because it violates the spirit of the character NOT them saying ‘it’s not my cup of tea’

#mcu #marvel cinematic universe #Spider-Man #spider-man: far from home #spider-man: homecoming #Iron Man #Venom

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elibeeline · 4 years

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Trigger Warning: unsupportive family mentions, homelessness mention.

And when I say 'mention', it hasn't happened to me, I'm just scared for myself and that stuff is mentioned

I know everyone is having a hard time in here, I don't know a single person who's mental health hasn't declined, but I'm fucking scared, gang.

My anxiety has me thinking about some fucked up but slightly possible scenarios. The idea of my mind (a relatively optimistic, 'that cannot happen to you' place) being able to think that up, and the realisation of the scenario being able to happen to me, it's terrifying.

I'm not typically one to get scared, I tend to get nervous about things, but rarely do I get scared.

The scenario I keep thinking of is when/if I come out as nonbinary to my family, and it not ending well. I've seen videos and read stories of people getting kicked out and having to sell their bodies or trying to take their own lives and holy shit, that's horrible. That is disgusting and it shouldn't have to happen to anyone, but it does and it could happen to me.

My family accepts I am bisexual, and god am I so grateful, but my dad and my stepdad have shown that they laugh at anything regarding nonbinary people.

My dad, when he talked to me about me being bisexual, said "as long as we can agree on one thing: there's only two genders". Obviously, we fucking don't agree on that, and I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't know I was nonbinary. And while my dad isn't physically imposing, he has a scary way with words when he feels offended, and what's more offending than your only 'daughter' saying they are not a girl?

My stepdad is one of those racist/homophobic/transphobic people who share those 'memes' on facebook. An example of such 'meme' is "they say that all men and women are getting the coronavirus, but what about those 365 other genders 😎🤠🤣 #lol#helicopter#snowflake". He is, in general, a cunt and I'm not sure why my mom ever married him.

My mom is a great person. I love her to pieces. I know she will be willing to accept me, but she will also be eager to tell my stepdad. I completely understand that, they're married and they both took a vow to never keep a secret from each other. But she told him I was bi without asking me first, and that was disrespectful toward me and I'm now very reluctant to tell her about me being nonbinary.

I don't mind if my dad stops me from ever seeing him again. I don't live with him, I see him about twice a year anyway, and whenever I do go there I always feel uneasy and stressed out.

But the very last thing I want is that my mother refuses to look at me because of her husband's bigoted views.

If I were to be kicked out, I'm not sure there is anyone living near me who is comfortable to let me stay. There's a boy I work with who is very sweet who lives down the road, but we aren't close, I don't know what his views are. The friends I am out to live an hour's bus journey away, it would take a few days to walk there (because I cannot drive and taxis make me nervous), and their home situations aren't good to move into.

What I'm gonna do is wait until I find my own place, but that's literally years away. I'm only 17 with 10 months work experience and my alevel grades are not impressive and I'm probably too fucking stupid to understand any paperwork required for independent living. I barely understood the questions asked when I got my bank account, and I have limited knowledge on what an overdraft is. I get it's emergency money, but do I need to pay it back? When? How much? How do I find a suitable roommate? Because I don't want to live alone and I don't want to risk the relationships I have with my friends.

But yeah, sorry for the long and depressing post. I just needed somewhere to vent

#long post #long read #scared #cw unsupportive family #death cw #potentially triggering

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master-sass-blast · 5 years

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Henlo, it's me, your local trash monster here to say I love Hannah and I can't wait to hear more about her?? That being said, GIMME ALL THE SAD GOODS ABOUT HER. But also add in something happy about her in the end! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ ((Also sending hugs! I know things have been stressful the last few days so just know I'm rooting for you !!))

Holy fuck I think this is the first time someone’s ever told me to cut loose and just SAY ALL THE THINGS AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!! :D

(Answers under the cut because I just went with the entire list. I have no self control.

And thank you for the hugs and encouragement!)

1. What is one word to shut them up: Okay, for some context, Hannah is a lawyer. She has a thick skin (unlike me, heyoooo). It takes a lot to shut her up; she’s an HBIC and she owns it.

But if someone starts talking about her scars (she’s struggled/struggles with self-harm), she shuts down. It’s a part of her she’s still self-conscious about, and if someone mentions it she’ll literally stop mid-sentence and mentally exit the conversation.

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about: Again, she’s got a pretty thick skin, so she doesn’t hold onto too much. Life happens, you make mistakes, and it’s better to learn from them rather than beat yourself over the head for something you can’t change anyway.

If there’s something she’s going to feel guilty about, though, it’s fights or incidents she’s had with family members/close friends where she’s hurt them with something she’s said or done. She holds herself in high accountability to ensure that she doesn’t step all over people, and when she does she fails not only them but her expectations for herself, so yeah. Guilt.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced: Physical pain? Probably different injuries from her career in martial arts. She’s a tough cookie, but some of that stuff just hurts.

Emotional pain? Anytime she fails her expectations for herself. She has very high standards for herself, and when she can’t reach them she becomes very depressed (more so than usual).

4. Describe their worst nightmare: Actual dream? Anything where she’s drowning or running out of air. She almost drowned a couple times as a child/preteen, and the trauma still emerges in her adult life from time to time.

Real life “this is a nightmare” scenario? Any point where her depression gets so bad that she stops being functional. Things just start piling up and get overwhelming very quickly.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear: 1.) Drowning, which runs pretty deep but it’s an obvious one that she’s done a lot of therapy work for, and she doesn’t mind talking about it with other people. 2.) Wasps. She accidentally got locked into a shed with an active wasp nest in it as a child. She made it out alright, but the sheer terror of the situation made her repress the memory. She’s heard the story from friends and family, and “gets” why she’s scared of the fuckers, but can’t actually recall the incident itself. 3.) The dark. A side effect of depression is paranoia, and when she’s alone, in the dark, she can’t shake the feeling that there’s some sort of creature watching/following her. When her depression gets really bad, she has to sleep with a light on to keep from flipping out.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick: She’s not naturally squeamish, but the sounds of belching (ala college frat boys, y’all know what I mean) make her stomach churn.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves: Her scars. She’s very ashamed of them, and goes out of her way to wear long sleeved shirts so she can hide them.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them: Feeling like she’s failed her own expectations/expectations others have of her, accidentally inhaling water, the ‘buzzing’ sound bees/wasps make.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness: Her height. She might be a kickass lawyer and an even kick-assier martial artist, but she barely clears five feet.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness: Her struggles with self-hatred. She’s her own worst enemy a lot of the time.

11. Do they have any vices: Not really. Not as far as serious vices go. She’s pretty grounded.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it: Nope. She knew she wanted to be a lawyer from day one and made sure her record was spotless.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them: Pride? I think that one comes closest? Again, since she really doesn’t have a vice or a thorn in her side, it’s hard to pick something for her.

I think Pride comes closest because she spirals when she fails to live up to her own expectations, which I think often comes with a bit of ego (at least in my experience with that sort of thing). She’s also got a lot to be proud of (lawyer, martial artist, financially independent), but she’s not a walking ego either?

Idk. This is a weird question, lol.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… ): Not really. Don’t get me wrong, she can get there, but it takes a lot. She’s very collected (and usually swings the opposite way; she’s more likely to cold shoulder you if she’s mad).

She does threaten to shove her Prada stiletto sideways up Hank Pym’s ass, though. So there’s that.

15. Who do they hate the most: Guys who use her height against her by cornering her into spots while they try to ask her out/talk to her about something. It’s the fastest way to wind up on her shit list.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior: Herself. She’s her own worst enemy.

17. What sound always gives them a headache: Her coworker Tracey’s text/notification sound. Which is always going off because Tracey’s always talking to someone.

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them: Not really. She’s half Japanese, half ethnic Jew, and a practicing Jew to boot, so she grew up on a pretty broad flavor palette.

She’s tried a bacon cheeseburger once on a dare, though, and she hated it.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly: Not really (outside of her scars). She’s pretty confident in her appearance.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable: Again, not really. She’s spent a lot of time in therapy, which helps, but she’s always had her feet pretty well on the ground.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety: The prospect of losing. She’s very competitive.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses: Depression.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped: She’s run into the usual guys that like to try and use her size against her, but they usually wind up worse for wear than she does.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped: Yes. She’s five feet tall and doesn’t clear 110 lbs. She’s very aware that she’s got “TARGET” written across her back.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust: Fortunately, no. Most of her close relationships come from communities she knows well (school, work, the temple she attends in LA), so she hasn’t had to deal with too much betrayal.

26. Have they ever been seriously injured: Yes. Even outside of her struggles with self-harm, she’s a martial artist. She’s broken a few bones over the years from that.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital: Five. Three for some pretty drastic self harm incidents, and two from sparring injuries.

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them: Obviously, she has frustrations with asshole guys, racists/anti-Semites, but she cannot stand people who work in organizations that prey on the disenfranchised (ala military recruiters going to schools in impoverished areas to fill their quota because they know how to trick the kids into trying out and all that). It gets her blood boiling fast.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them: Yes. Again, this shows perfectly with her fear of the dark.

30. Have they ever been bullied: Yupp. For her heritage, her beliefs, her mental health struggles, her size... High school sucks.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues: Yes and no. Again, she’s pretty confident about most things in life, but she does have certain weak points (her scars, living up to her own expectations, her height).

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents: Actually, no! She has a good relationship with both her parents and her extended family!

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well: Not in the drastic sense of things. She’s been through a few break ups, sure, but nothing that was abusive or crazy.

34. Have they ever self harmed: Yes. It’s something she still struggles with as an adult.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be: Her scars. She’d make them disappear.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them: She’s pretty well in control of her emotions.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away: Not really, no.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned: Nope.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do: Not in any serious sense. Her reputation for toeing the line was too well known for her to be accused of something she didn’t do.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems: She did as a teenager, but dutiful therapy and self-care has helped her outgrow that habit.

41. Do they get sick often: Nope! She’s pretty healthy.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life: She’s content, but not complacent.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts: Yes. Again, she doesn’t like her history with self-harm. If she could erase that, she would.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t: Travel. Her job’s pretty demanding as far as hours go.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience: Melancholy. No matter what she’s doing, it’s sort of always hanging around her, like a tiny cloud.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide: Yes. Unfortunately, it’s a side effect of the depression.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide: A couple of times, when she was teenager.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill: Outside of self-defense/the defense of others? No.

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through: Being forced to reject her identities as a Jew/person of Japanese heritage. Her families have made it through so much (internment camps, persecution, the Holocaust), and she’d rather die than erase her own identity.

50. Create your own: Alright, I’m gonna put the happy one here so we end on a high note!

She’s a firm believer in the need for “mah” (the Japanese word for “emptiness), or a moment to pause and do nothing. It’s easy to see that reflected in how she practices meditation, follows Shabbat, or takes time each day to simply be.

However, she also believes that the principle of “mah” is what makes her and Luis work so well as a couple. She is the silence to his constant chatter and helps him keep his feet on the ground. Likewise, he keeps her from living inside her head and helps her connect to the world.

They’re just such opposites attract. Ugh, I love them so much!

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actualtext · 3 years

Text

08/25/21

Windshield

Two weeks ago, two of my tires needed to be replaced (one had a nail, another had an air bubble from a horrendous pothole on an exit ramp in Austin) Today, a rock flew from who knows where onto my windshield only hitting one specific place, but causing at least an 18” crack. I called my insurance to file a claim, when I learned that my deductible was going to be $1000. I cried a bit and then resolved to simply work until I could make the money. It hurt a lot. Since I needed so much time, I scheduled to get it fixed on 09/03/21.

Moving

So, last year I signed a lease at this apartment that was suggested by a friend who happened to need two roommates when me and my roommate at the time also needed a place to go. oof. The time came for us to move, and holy shit did we run into some issues! So first, just so everyone (not that anyone actually reads this) knows, it was student living. My friend that suggested the place is a student currently. Anyways, we're in the process of moving in. I tell my roommate (the one I'd lived with before) that we can move his stuff first for since he lives further away from our new place. It would just be better to get it over with. But I'm still checking out my new room. I check the welcome package I was given, and I only have one key, the mailbox key. So I asked my three other roommates if they had the house key and all three of them say yes. So I have to go to the office which is really busy cause all of the other new students are also moving into their apartment at this time. I stand there for what feels like forever to find out that I also need to take a copy of the key that I need in order to have it replaced. (I don't know, I guess I thought they had a whole fuck load of copies. lmao) So I go back, ask one of my roommates for his apartment door key, then head back to the office where I also request a copy of my room key. They check their key ring and they cannot find a key for my room door. They tell me that they'll have to change the lock. It's fine, it's not locked and I don't need to lock it any time soon. I take the copy of the apartment key and plan to simply keep moving my stuff until they need to change the lock. While I'm out and about, one of the staff members takes the master key to my apartment and tests it on my room door to see if it will work so they can make a copy. In order to test the master key, they need to lock my room door to see if it will unlock. Freakin turns out that the master key doesn't work on my room door. I return with a few items I plan on moving in, I put some stuff in my room but don't plan on staying there that night since I don't have any bed sheets on my bed. I plan to go back to my old place, pack up a little more and return the next day to continue moving in my stuff. As I leave, I close the door to my room, but then remember that I need to grab a coupon that I wanted to use. The door was locked. There was no key and I wasn't able to enter. The following four days are literally just me going to the office, letting them know that my door is locked, them telling me that I need to put in a maintenance request, and me just staring at my door waiting for it to be unlocked. Finally I get fed up and go to the office one last time to let them know that I haven't been able to move in this entire time and it's making me sad. They freak out and get the ball rolling on my lock changing process. Bam, door's open and I can move my stuff in. I love my room and the view that came along with it.

Jake

On the 13th of August, I gave a ride to a guy. It was a normal ride like any other ride I've given. We had a regular conversation, I dropped him off and went about my life. The following morning I received a text from my driver app letting me know that he had forgotten something in my car the night before. I let him know that I had since had multiple people in my vehicle and had even had it washed. I didn't find what he had lost. He gave me his number and told me to message him if I found anything in the future. I said I would, and said my good byes, and then he said his... followed by a wink. I messaged him instantly thinking he was trying to bait me to do so anyways. "A winky face, really?" He gave a good explanation saying that he was at work and his hands were slippery from working with the zucchini that he was loading onto the display at the grocery store he worked at. Maybe I was just naive, but I totally believed him.

He was charming. Funny and sweet. He told me about himself during the car ride the day before. He told me that he had a bunch of babies with his ex wife, wasn't really looking for anything serious, that he was ex military, that he had an 11 year old tumor in his leg that was cancerous and would be the death of him, but that he had to stay positive. I try not to talk about myself too much to my passengers for my own safety, so I didn't really take into consideration that he didn't really ask about me. But looking back, that should have been the first red flag.

He messaged me regularly, asking about my day, telling me about his, how much he was in pain and how shitty having to go to chemo was, and how lonely he was, and how badly he wanted to just be held. I let him know that knowing about all of his pain made me sick to my stomach. I'm an empath. I feel everything very strongly. I told him not to tell me how badly he wanted to be held because I was a people pleaser and that I would be tempted to go hold him. This budding friendship was growing on me way too quickly and way to strongly for me to feel safe, but I didn't want it to stop. It was like yearning death and then being diagnosed with cancer. It was scary, but I wanted it.

And then I actually saw a red flag. It only drew me in more. We had been texting and he had asked for a ride, offering to pay for it of course. I had responded in multiple messages cause he never got back to me. Then at the end of the day, I let him know I was going to sleep and he said it was okay, that he knew I wouldn't be going to drive him since I never responded (which I had, he simply hadn't received the messaged). I showed him proof that I had responded and yet he proceeded to say "I had to spend so much money just to get to and from work" as if it was my fault, when it wasn't anyone's fault that our phones weren't cooperating. I should have left it at that, but I liked him, and I think my reasoning for doing so might be sick af.

I have this theory that I might only like Jake because he's dying. Now hear me out. I've always been into sickly looking pale dudes that look like they're on the verge of death. Since I was about 12, believe it or not. Initially, I thought maybe I was just attracted to him. However, upon further analysis of the situation, I think the people pleaser in me might just feel sorry for him and his situation, and might wanna just make his time left here on the planet as enjoyable as possible. Which is totally fucked up and I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sick.

I say this because... I continued to talk to him, overlooking the red flag. After the whole phone thing happened, we agree to start messaging on instagram instead, since it seemed to be a more reliable method of messaging each other. We discussed how he wished he would just die already. He was tired of being sick and tired. I apologized and explained that I wish there was something I could do to help him. This led into the conversation about (red flag #3 but who's counting?) how people (me, myself and I) always make everything about themselves. This man was a manipulator pro because I believed him. I FUCKING APOLOGIZED FOR MAKING A (supposedly two way, but obviously one way) CONVERSATION ABOUT ME. I felt so shitty. This guy is dying and all I can do is apparently talk to him him about myself and try to help him get to know me. After I apologized profusely (like an idiot), I thought things were better. But of course he felt like shit and I felt like I needed to help him somehow. So then we discussed what he felt would help him and low and behold *CRINGE WARNING* it was physical connection, sex, intimacy. He said he wanted to be held but that he could never get that from anyone. I asked if he had bothered asking anyone to help him in the way he needed to be helped and he said NO. -_- So I explained to him that in order to receive, he would need to ask first. He said rejection would simply add to the stress he was under. My simp self let him know I would totally love to help him but then my insecure self jumped right in and said some bull shit like "but I'm ugly and fat and you probably have higher standards than the likes of me" GROSS. I don't believe I would talk about myself like that. Seeking validation from a fucking man. UGH but you'll see, it's a fucking common occurrence. Me and Jake are toxic for each other and to our selves with each other. Enablers. Its sick. He said some really sweet things, to which I responded sassily, which upset Jake of course. This was all in text so he read my sass as anger. Then he got upset with me. I told him I didn't feel like I was making his life any easier and that I was sorry for the stress I put him under and that I would leave him alone. I genuinely felt bad yet again. This guy was dying and I was trying to be sassy with him? Monster. I left him alone for quite some time, during which I wrote and rewrote potential apologies in order to gain this tortured soul back as a friend. I never sent any, surprisingly. But it crushed me. I wanted him in my life. I felt like all the independence I had gained while being single SIMPly vanished, and I needed his friendship, his companionship, to make me feel like my days weren't being wasted, to make me feel needed. IM SO SICK.

But then... the unimaginable happened. He messaged me "I feel like giving up today" and of course I don't want him him. I live for this toxic exchange. He says "I want to be held." &My naive, people pleasing ways gave me the perfect push to tell him I could be there for him, to hold him. "I wanna be fucked and held." Of fucking course. I mean, I totally already wanted to fuck his brains out anyways, and I already knew thats what the fuck he wanted ultimately. And this was the perfect thing I needed in order to feel needed. Ugh. It was glorious. I'm sick, I know.

So we plan it. We set a day and start making arrangements, and then something weird happens. I have to ask for his address at least four times. I give up after he just doesn't respond. I tell him "It's probably for the better. I feel like I might be coming down with something" which was the truth, and I wouldn't have wanted to get him sick. Just in case he's not receiving my messages like last time, I send him a screenshot of all of the messages I've sent him through instagram. I'm not gonna lie. I felt blown off after he had just asked me to fuck him. I felt like a damn fool being made to wait when I was ready to go.

The following day he messages me asking if I'm okay, and I respond coldly "I'll survive." He says "ok" which I just leave on read cause fuck that two letter piece of shit response. There was a chance I could have had COVID-19. Jerk.... But then that night he messages me at like 2am. I, of course, was already thinking about him so I got excited like a fool. I made him feel bad about not giving me his address which he swears he tried, but that I never got anything. I said, not fucking around, "if that's true, give me your address right now." and the mother fucker did. On top of that, he tried to guilt trip me. I explained that I was still getting over my sore throat and he was like "you're good," saying like "don't worry about me then" and so I was like "okay" BUT THEN he was like "I'll just be here.. ready to go... and still feeling all shitty like the other night.. and thinking about how it's the one year anniversary of my grandma's death" AHHHH haha and yes, I said "I'll be right fucking there" or something along those lines.

So I get there. I shower real quick cause I'm all full of germs. get out and lay next to him and he's just stiff. He seems nervous. He just keeps talking, which is fine. While his voice isn't exactly my favorite, I know he has a lot to get off his chest and so I just let him talk. I caress his arms, and his chest, and his face. I have my mask on just in case. And then I reach down between his legs and start caressing his dick which is already hard, of course, and he starts touching me. I pull down my shorts and panties and he works my hardened nub, and I just want him inside of me already, so I dip his fingers inside of me. The whole time, I'm panting and holding onto him so tight, all while caressing him still. He pulls his shorts down and I continue the assault on his cock, and he asks if I wanna taste, to which I say yes, of course. Cause I really do. I do my best, and I hear him moan and its as rewarding as you would think :) and he uses his big strong hands to guide my head, and the whole oral thing is just wonderful. 10/10 would do again. And then I ask if he has condoms, and he does, thankfully. So he slips one on, I get on my hands and knees on his bed then he plays with me a little and slips it in. Mmm. He honestly felt really good. He's an average sized dude, with no hair obviously (thanks to chemo), so he felt so comfortable inside of me, and I'm just genuinely enjoying him taking me from behind. He does that for a little while, and I guess before he can come, he pulls out so that he can eat me out (ugh, what a fucking gentleman). And I'm all self conscious cause I have a hairy puthy, but he doesn't seem to mind. I just see his cute bald head nodding no, and licking away at my gal, and man he feels so fucking good. I can't help but moan his name. I just wanna hold him there forever but he has other plans. Once he's full, he comes back up, puts my legs on his fucking shoulders and just rams his cock into me and continues to drive himself deeper and deeper, making me feel closer and closer to him. I know I'm a fucking psycho. This is honestly the first time that I've admitted it to myself, and I don't let myself get this way with many people, so it is just as surprising to me as it may be to you (the endless abyss) that I would feel this way about a man I met two fucking weeks ago. So anyways. My mask obviously came off to give him head, and it stayed off. But he fucking kisses me while fucking the shit out of me and I lose my shit. Did I come? No. I never cum unless its with myself. But I felt so fucking good. It felt so nice to feel so wanted for fucking once.

After everything went down, we put our clothes back on and laid in bed for the next few hours just talking like nothing had ever happened. It was wild. My mask was forever lost, or so it seemed after searching for it vigorously. After I left, he gave me a kiss on my cheek, which I feel like I should have reciprocated, I just hadn't ever experienced what I had just experienced so I didn't know exactly how to react.

When I left, he sent me a few texts to let me know that he found my mask, but also to thank me. he said "Thank you. I needed that. To get all of that out. I really do appreciate you lending your body and your time to me. If it sucked for you I'm so sorry. I know you're driving. I'll stop. I hope it really didn't suck that bad, or that you're not mad." and my heart, man.. it just exploded. He was so willing to be vulnerable, and I was thinking to myself, "baby, whenever you want it, it's yours."

Then the next day came around and I was all stupid in love or something cause I drove an hour to drive him 7 minutes away from his house and then drove an hour back home to finish moving my stuff to my new place. What kinda of fucking stupid am I? Why do I feel so strongly about this Jake?

Today, I started feeling insecure. It could be the lack of sleep, or the lack of food or just my general lack of health. I messaged him the lamest thing because wanted reassurance. "Do you by any chance think less of me? heh. Just curious"

To which he responded sarcastically, and broke my heart. I literally cried. Over a boy I've known for two weeks. I haven't been so stupid since high school. I let him know how he had made me feel and he called me manipulative, stating that I was claiming he was a villain and that I was the victim. I was simply communicating how he had made me feel.

I was such a simp for this dying boy and I'm truly ashamed. Part of me wants to believe that he really did like me and that he really just couldn't put much effort into what could have been a great relationship. But part of me, my gut feeling, believes that he just wasn't that into me to begin with, and no matter how much I care for him or about him, it won't change the fact that he doesn't care about me back. I messaged him apologizing for catching feelings cause he had specifically stated that he wasn't looking for anything serious, and yet I caught the feels. I felts like that was a good reason to apologize. I told him I understood that he just simply didn't have the energy or time for someone like me who was yearning for nothing more than an "I miss you too" text. I let him know that ghosting him wasn't an option, but then he told me that he wished I had.

So that's the short story of Jake. It wasn't a happy ending, but it never could have been anyways.

Veggly

A long time ago, I had actively taken part in the whole scrolling and swiping left and right thing. I had seriously given up on dating. It was depressing having to reject so many people in such a short amount of time, compared to doing it in person with months of buffer between each rejection. I just kept my profile up to make friends cause it was taking a told on how I viewed myself. I felt like a bad person, but I also didn't want to lower my standards.

Tristan and I had matched a long time ago. He was so attractive to me that I told him "Sir, you look like a supermodel, unlike my profile RN" trying to be funny. I never got a response, probably cause he had plenty of other options out there. But one day, he messaged me apologizing for the wait. It was really weird and honestly I feel like a last resort.

Francisco just recently matched with me. He also made the first move to message me. He has a cute dog, likes to eat vegan junk food, and is mildly attractive, just being real. He snaps me every day, although really sporadically and sparsely, but he makes that attempt to at least reach out once a day. And that is really refreshing. However, he is moving to Sicily in about three months. heh.

I'm not sure where any of these will go but hopefully I'll end up with at least a friend.

#sad boy #crying #dating is fucked #daily journal #inner thoughts #read me #me #sadgirl #stressed

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choisgirls · 7 years

Note

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THIS, IF SO, I APOLOGIZE! But like, the RFA+ V & Saeran with a female MC that likes to be the dominant one? (Like, not just sexually, but generally doesn't really like to be looked down upon/seen as inferior/weak. Like, how Jumin loves to want to "protect" MC and sees her as fragile but she's having none of his shit)

A/N: I! FUCKING! LIVE!FOR! THIS! I am such a dominant women in most aspects and as MUCH as Iabsolutely LOVE Jumin, I cannot stand the whole “must protect lil babyMC” liKE BITCH I CAN THROW YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE ~Admin 404

Anyway, I hope this isokay for you! I tried to think of what would make someone dominant;;

*YOOSUNG:

-He went with Saeyoung toconfront the hacker because he wanted to prove to you he could be a man

-A man protects his beloved!!!!!

-And it was adorable. Youappreciated that he wanted to protect you and when you officially met, you letit go

-But as your relationshipadvanced, he quickly realized that you were way more dominant that he hasassumed and he /liked/ it

-Hearing and seeing you takecharge for even simple things like deciding where to have lunch got him excited

-There was no wondering what youwere thinking because you were so blunt and you were so independent, he lovedit so much

-Would he protect you? Yes, overand over again if it comes down to it.

-But his personality isnaturally more relaxed and playful so he’s a lot happier with you being more incharge of the relationship instead of him!

-And he is always so proud ofyou? You’re strong willed and will fight to get your way no matter who you’retalking to and never let people look down on you for any reason

-He’s just like your puppy? Hefollows you around, always excited! You can get a certain tone to your voiceand he’s calmed down and waiting for whatever you have to say. he especiallyloves it in the bedroom

*ZEN:

-You loved him but you HATEDthat he was always:

-“Princess! Just leave itto me, I am your prince, after all~”

-Not to mention he loved to justpick you up and spin you around, putting you down only after you demand it

-“Haha, MC, you’re socute!”

-Yeah buddy you’re gonna thinkI’m real fucking cute when I thrOW YOU

-Ladies shouldn’t do this andladies need to do that but you??? Were just yourself???

-You knew you were sexy justlike he knew he was, you weren’t about to pretend you were some cute littlegirl and just hide what you got

-Constantly wearing whatever youwant. Whether it contours to your body and shows your curves or it’s somethinglow-cut and shows what you’ve got. You’re comfortable and you know you’ve gotit going on

-He loved that about you, but healso constantly tried to cover you up because??? Now everyone can see howbeautiful and sexy you are?? And he just wants you all to himself instead???

-So even if he begs you tochange your outfit, you tell him if he doesn’t have to hide what he’s got, thenneither do you. The two of you become the Sexy Duo™ and as much as he /lovesit/ he also /hates it/ because nO ONE LOOK AT HIS MC. DON’T DO IT. NO

*JAEHEE:

-You’re both very strongindependent women but the both of you accidently… try to out dominate eachother

-You both co-own the coffee shopbut no one can tell who the boss is because you’re both… in that position

-Both call the shots and boththrive in the position of power

-But god she has so much respectfor you??? You take no one’s shit and you are so calm when met with criticism

-Her favourite part is that youtake absolutely no excuses.

-If there’s a reason you didn’tsucceed, you never turned to excuses

-“Oh it was the otherpersons fault” “The machine messed up” Nothing like that

-If someone’s order is messed upyou take full responsibility because it was simple human error, you know that!It was your fault and you will stand there even as people scream at you

-And she thinks that is amazing?You’re such a strong, powerful soul to just stand there and deal with peopleyelling and screaming and even when you go home, she expects you to let youremotions loose and cry but… you don’t?

-She knows the two of you fightfor that sort of dominance aura but in all honesty it’s things like this thatmake her just bow down to you because you definitely deserve it

*JUMIN:

-He always wants to protect youand he thinks you’re so tiny and fragile

-If he wasn’t personallyprotecting you, he has about 50 body guards all around you at all times

-Which really pissed you offbecause you were fully capable of taking care of yourself.

-After all, you handled thewhole situation with the hacker and the whole Fiancé Fiasco™, you werestrong

-But as stubborn as he was, youwere too.

-He’s always asking if you’reokay and if you need anything but what he doesn’t seem to realize is that youaren’t afraid to ask for things you want. Even sexually

-So it really threw him offwhen, at a dinner party, you pulled him aside and looked him in the eyes,straight up telling him you wanted him then and there

-He choked on his wine he wasnot expecting that

-You noticed how he reacted anddecided that maybe this is what it would take to get him to /listen/ to youabout not being some quiet, pretty little princess

-From then on, you’d have totell him exactly what you wanted at any given moment, catching him off guard.But it was fun watching him scramble to regain dominance and provide you withwhat you wanted

*SAEYOUNG:

-He knew you were the dominantone personality wise and he was Living™ for it

-He could be in bed all hewanted, you were fine with that, but most of the time you’re calling the shots

-Which is a good thing becauseyou really help with his impulse control!

-“MC CAN I-” “NoSaeyoung you can’t jump off of the roof I’ve already told you this”

-“I’M GONNA BUY ANOTHERBABY” “No Saeyoung you gotta pay the electricity bill first”

-“MC I bought a goat”“Take it back”

-He even loves that you’redominant physically too like, all he has to do is climb on top of you and thatwas it

-You wouldn’t let him being onyou stop you from getting up and doing whatever you have to

-Sometimes you’re just carryinghim bridal style around the house while he’s dressed up like a princess andSaeran literally hates the both of you

-But all messing around aside,he really admires that you’re so strong, and you’re always there for him whenhe can’t be and he couldn’t love anyone else more than he loves you

*V:

-He’s really laid back and sucha push over

-It doesn’t take much to be adominant woman around him;;;

-But his favourite part aboutyou being the more dominant one, was that you were able to tell people no

-Getting invited to a lot ofevents he just doesn’t want to go to… he can always count on you to standyour ground and tell them no thank you, without feeling guilted into going

-Another aspect of yourpersonality that he loves is that you’re never one to complain or whine aboutanything?

-Every now and then you open upto him and will complain about things that are /truly/ bothering you

-But otherwise, you’re allsmiles and the strong one that everyone can depend on

-And he loves it!! You’re alwaysthere to lend a hand to your friends and listen to their problems, suggestingsome ways to fix any of their problems

-You’re always walking with yourchin up, no matter how you feel, and he is In Love™

-Never once thought of you as“weak” because someone who could just show up at some strangersapartment solely to return a phone is?? Amazing???? And brave?? And just- whowould think that is weak?

*SAERAN:

-He would never let someoneovertake his dominance, he worked so hard to acquire it and it just wasn’thappening

-So quite often, the two of youwould butt heads. The love is still there of course, it’s usually just stupidthings like “I’m picking the movie” “the fuck you are”

-But he liked to think you werephysically weak??

-You’re this cute, little thingthere’s no way you’re capable of protecting yourself

-So he’s always really close toyou so he’s able to protect you

-There have been multiple timeswhere he had pushed you behind him just to tell some guy off and you /hated/ it

-At one point, he put his handon your shoulder, getting ready to put you behind him but you had enough

-Grabbing his hand and forearm,you flipped him over your shoulder and onto the ground, both him and the otherguy completely in shock

-Looking between the both ofthem, you flip them the bird and just walk away

-He’s embarrassed but holy/hell/ he is attracted to you 10 times more because he had no idea you werecapable of that?? You just flipped him over your shoulder like he wasnothing??? Beautiful??

Masterlist

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