El tiempo está vacío.
El tiempo está vacío,
así lo sentí la primera vez
que me enterré en mi habitación
por un día entero
sin que nadie lo supiera
y de mis muñecas escuchaba
las canciones que cantaban
cuando les daba dulces caricias
con una cuchilla de afeitar.
El tiempo está vacío,
así lo sintió mi cabeza
cuando tomé más de 2
botellas de tequila en una fiesta,
encerrado en un baño
sin que nadie se diera cuenta
y viajé a un país extranjero
donde no existieron sentimientos,
ni pensamientos, ni razón por 5 minutos,
donde no hubo nada más que luz
y nunca se supo que hubo a través de ella
pero se sintió una infinita e inolvidable calma
que me tiene vacilando si volver
a sentirla u olvidarla.
A eso la gente lo llama coma etílico
pero yo lo llamé ‘mi anhelado regocijo’.
El tiempo está vacío,
así lo sintió mi estómago
cuando fue premiado
con 20 pastillas blancas,
amigos pálidos, ceniza de estrellas
que se conocieron dentro del excusado
y crearon un cosmos en mi garganta,
exorcizando sentimientos azules
de mis entrañas en medio de la madrugada.
Nunca le conté al mundo
los países que visité
cuando el tiempo se detuvo.
Siempre fui reservado,
egoísta al vivir mis propias aventuras.
Siempre he ocultado
mis grietas bajo las mangas.
Y no digo que no tengo amigos
pero tampoco le diré al mundo
que el tiempo se detuvo
cuando estuve al borde del suicidio.
Quiero que el tiempo esté vacío
para escuchar nada más que el silencio.
I aint even gonna front or sugarcoat it.
I've tried ending my life a few times.
and yeah, some people will agree with me,
while most others will strongly disagree.
I've been called selfish.
I've been scolded for even thinking such a thought.
it's taken me a long time, but I've learned to agree to disagree.
but the reason I'm writing this, is cause while I've been scolded, been called selfish, even slapped...
no one, and I mean absolutely no one, has ever asked why I'm feeling like this...
"what's going on in my life?" "what am I thinking about?" "why would I ever come to such a tragic decision?"
when it comes to this subject, the best way I can put it, is I'm pro-choice.
while most folks get upset by this act, it's never discouraged me to think differently.
it's taught me that some things are better left unsaid.
but I've never backed down from a debate.
yet, at the same time, this will be the first time I've ever expressed my side of the subject.
I believe we should have the choice to end our lives.
I was born with this vessel and I'll die with this vessel.
we have the freedom to get body modifications, be it tattoos, nose jobs, piercings, implants, plastic surgery, etc.
and so I believe we should have the right to do whatever we want with OUR OWN bodies.
(let's rewind a bit) so, to answer the questions I stated earlier, I've been depressed since I was 12. that's a long time.
and to become suicidal at such a young age...
but while most people would see that as a weakness, I see it as one of my strengths.
it's pushed me to do shit like this. to speak my mind and beliefs.
I was physically abused by my alcoholic father when I was younger. and when he would abuse my Iil sister, I would push her out of the way and take the beating myself. deadass.
the last time I ever prayed to "god", I was 12.
my dad had just gotten done with his "parenting techniques" and I ran to my room and locked the door.
I started praying and crying to God. any God. anyone who would answer me.
and then my door busted open...
so, that's why I've been sad since the age of 12.
and yeah, I know, I could have done things differently and I know I still can.
but this is where I stand and you can either take it or leave it.
aint no sweat off my back.
what im getting at is, if you think you've got it rough, your neighbor could be going through it 10x worse than you could ever imagine.
just try and put yourself in their shoes.
and that goes for myself as well. believe me.
I know people will read this and tell me to fuck off or won't even give it a glance.
oh well. that's cool.
everyone is entitled to their own views and beliefs.
this is why and how I feel about suicide.
a lot of people fear death and live life to the fullest.
me on the other hand, I am not afraid.
I yearn for death. I'm a suicidal failure.
but I live everyday as if it were my last.
death is the only thing we are guaranteed in this life.
and if my death is one of the few things I can control, then imma do my best to go out on my own terms.
I'm not saying that I will decide when and where I take my last breath, but I'll fucking try.
so to all the pro-lifers out there who stumble across this, just know I feel you. I understand you. I respect your views and beliefs. I got nothing but love for y'all.
I just ask that y'all do the same.
if you made it this far, thank you for giving me your time.
you have no idea how good this feels to get off my brain.
if anyone out there is feeling low, in a dark place, im here for you. dead. fucking. ass.