#also bc of my depression all of my friendships are distant now

[thelioncourts]

:)) As another new fan, when you reposted just now a post about Armand and saying his love for Louis and a lot of people in the comments sound really excited for it, I feel a bit 😞 as will it be a case of they will be s1's version of Loustat? As in people will be raving over the chemistry of Armand and Louis? I just, idk, feel confused bc being a non book reader, I feel like we've just had Loustat and now it'll be gone? 😅 😭

Okay, anon, I'm so sorry. I went to answer this, had a ridiculously lengthy and detailed answer, and as I went to hit 'post now' tumblr deleted it all and said 'our servers aren't cool enough to handle your post right now!' and I was so nauseous, I spent so much time. I'm afraid this won't be as good, but I remember most of what I said, so I'll try to rehash it all best I can.

So, first of all, welcome to iwtv/tvc! it's always been chaos here. second of all, let's spend some time discussing the Armand-Louis-Lestat relationship, particularly in context of the first book and of the show, in turn!

Armand-Louis-Lestat has always been incredibly interesting and the show is, obviously ("the love of my life!") setting us up for continued interesting vibes. Here's what I will tell you about Armand and Louis in Interview (the book). As the show is setting up as well, Louis meets Armand in Paris following the "death" of Lestat. Up until Armand, Louis had been in an incredibly depressive episode (moreso than normal) because of Lestat's death. Meeting Armand fills Louis with this infatuation, and Armand, like all vampires, immediately falls deeply in love with Louis and his beauty and his remaining humanity. It's a beautiful couple of weeks/months, and I have no doubt that the show is going to capitalize on that and show us many many many cute, loving, sexy, and tender moments of Louis and Armand's relationship. What I will also tell you, without trying to spoil too much of the book, is that the period of happy and loving in Louis and Armand's relationship is very limited and, by the end of the book, Louis is so numb, so distant, so cold to Armand.

Now! I feel like I need to clarify that, in later books, Louis and Armand always reconnect, but I very much have always viewed it as a true friendship/companionship. I think, in a lot of ways, they both saw each other at their worst and have a trust that will always let them find solace in the other, even if it's just platonic.

With all that in mind, I actually have two passages from Interview (the book) that I'm going to type out and that I think are exceptionally important to Louis and Lestat's relationship, especially in comparison to Louis' relationship with anyone else.

In my version of Interview, the first passage is on page 123. It takes place immediately following Louis and Claudia "killing" Lestat:

"Claudia had wrapped Lestat's body in a sheet before I would even touch it, and then, to my horror, she had sprinkled it over with the long-stemmed chrysanthemums. So it had a sweet, funereal smell as I lifted it last of all from the carriage. It was almost weightless, as limp as something made of knots and cords, as I put it over my shoulder and moved down into the dark water, the water rising and filling my boots, my feet seeking some path in the ooze beneath, away from where I'd lain the two boys. I went deeper and deeper in with Lestat's remains, though why, I did not know. And finally, when I could barely see the pale space of the road and the sky which was coming dangerously close to dawn, I let his body slip down out of my arms into the water. I stood there shaken, looking at the amorphous form of the white sheet beneath the slimy surface. The numbness which had protected me since the carriage left the Rue Royale threatened to lift and leave me flayed suddenly, staring, thinking: This is Lestat. This is all of transformation and mystery, dead, gone into eternal darkness. I felt a pull suddenly, as if some force were urging me to go down with him, to descend into the dark water and never come back. It was so distinct and so strong that it made the articulation of voices seem only a murmur by comparison. It spoke without language, saying, "You know what you must do. Come down into the darkness. Let it all go away.""

The second passage is just a few paragraphs later, on page 124:

"...'He deserved to die!' she [Claudia] said to me.

"'Then we deserve to die. The same way. Every night of our lives,' I said back to her. 'Go away from me.' It was as if my words were my thoughts, my mind alone only formless confusion. 'I'll care for you because you can't care for yourself. But I don't want you near me. Sleep in that box you bought for yourself. Don't come near me.'

"'I told you I was going to do it. I told you...' she said...'Louis, I told you!' she said, her lips quivering. 'I did it for us. So we could be free.' I couldn't stand the sight of her."

The reason I think these passages are really important, especially in context of the show, is because this is Louis when he wasn't telling us everything. According to the show, Interview (the book) has already happened, at least up to a point. Louis has told Daniel this story before, but is doing so now with more truth, more nuance, more history. He kept out a lot, namely the depth of his relationship with Lestat, out of hatred or disdain or repression or something, towards himself, towards Lestat, towards life, etc. And yet these passages highlight something so so incredibly important, which is how much Louis loved/loves Lestat.

Lestat's death haunts Louis. In Europe, he talks about his grief in the narration, and it appears that in Claudia's diaries in the show, she discusses his grief too, namely that he is worse than ever following the death of Lestat.

Have you ever heard of how the opposite of love isn't hate, but apathy? I've heard it a lot in my life, never understood it until I got older, and I think Louis and Lestat, and Louis and Armand, are perfect examples of that.

Lestat drives Louis crazy. He lights fires in him, both good and bad, and, no doubt, damages Louis' blood pressure (if vampires have blood pressure to worry about, I guess), but he makes Louis feel, he makes him be alive. He drives Louis so crazy that Louis interviews TWICE about his relationship with the man.

Louis and Armand, while sweet in its own way, and will, undoubtedly, have its sweet moments, is going to fizzle out. And I think the show will very much do that on purpose to show us how any relationship Louis has (and Lestat has) pales in comparison to what he has with Lestat.

I've talked about it in a couple of asks before, about how I think the show is going to take a slightly different direction than the books re: polyamory and re: Loustat as a whole, and my general consensus is that Louis and Lestat are endgame in the books, but it's going to be so much more apparent, and will happen so much quicker, in the show. The show has so much content to work with re: storylines that there is no need to play relationship will-they-won't-they with Louis and Lestat. They can stabilize them (to a point -- any relationship with Lestat is always going to be slightly unstable) and have the actual plot (Akasha, Memnoch, Amel, etc.) be the main problems to work through versus relationship drama 24/7.

To sum up, I think Louis and Armand are going to get their light, yes, in season 2. But I think it is only going to set it up for us to get an even more passionate Loustat, an even more loving Loustat, an even more present Loustat, come end of season 2 and into season 3.

#amc iwtv #iwtv #interview with the vampire #louis de pointe du lac #lestat de lioncourt #loustat #iwtv predictions #iwtv asks

[heebiekeewiejeebies]

Are you so introverted that you don’t rlly have any skills with making friends ??? But you do have a irl friend group, but you feel like you’re annoying + uninteresting so you become distant??? Then one day you meet someone online with similar interests, someone who you find surprisingly easy to talk to, who you talk to (and/or voice chat with) almost every day??

I have, sometimes if he’d notice I was quiet or something he would check up on me, usually I just keep to myself and don’t go looking for any reassurance, but I appreciated him a lot. I wouldn’t constantly vent to him, my issues are mainly anxiety(I don’t suffer from depression), I do have some trauma that I never shared with anyone, so I usually just told him stuff like “I feel like I’m being annoying” and other similar stuff, I mean, when he reassured me I would usually trust his words. i do have my imperfections, everyone does, but I try not to make my insecurities anyone’s problems.

Anyways I would look forward with talking to him everyday, he told me that too. We would share our art with eachother without fearing judgement, we would say shit like “ONG I M EATING UR ART”, we have almost the same sense of humour, similar interests and allat,, I remember feeling like I wasn’t alone and I was grateful for him, he also showed that he had interest in me as a friend. I mean, I wasn’t totally alone like we had others in the same group.

I forgot to mention that we all met on the same day, I had a twt acc with 2000+ followers(triguntwt) and I was like HEY GUYS I MADE A MINECRAVT SERVER and ppl joined, but myself and several other ppl clicked and we ended up making a discord server, it still exists yea, but 2 ppl (including him) aren’t in the friend group and some others are busy, those who are still here I’m still in contact with.

But anyways,,, he grew distant 2 months after we became friends, I asked him what’s going on and it was just personal irl stuff, I asked if he needed space and i did as such. I would have small interactions like once a week, but I was like so afraid we would drift apart, but I guess we were the moment he started distancing. In July, a month after that happened, I kind of just avoided interaction bc of something else and he cut off all contact with the group bc he lost the connection plus he was just overwhelmed, honestly i understand that.

Honestly, I was shaken up, I guess I should’ve knew it would happen but I wasn’t like, sobbing. I didn’t immediately start crying. I did once it settled in, but I knew I had to move on. I kind of just kept to myself a little and was just recovering, he was kind of the only person who I felt almost fully comfortable with, and I still blame myself, usually I find myself wishing I never met him, because I just didn’t want to experience this, and I have a feeling he felt a lot of guilt. I never once felt any anger or resentment towards him for this, because I don’t blame him, i just kind of learned the harsh truth that not all friendships last.

So like, I’m not alone right now, the original ppl in the group kind of moved on like, with life and allat, but we’re still in contact and there is some new ppl too. I’m sort of realizing that I might not rlly miss him, since I don’t rlly want to talk to him again, I just miss those memories and the sense of having a ‘close’ friendship. Deep down I know that I can move on, I will meet someone else, I will heal. It’s now 2024 and my goal is to try to heal as much as possible, but it will take time i know. Also I should note that I’m not interested in seeing how he’s doing nowadays, there’s no point in that plus I don’t want to hurt myself anymore

I know I said I’m not actually alone, but I feel alone. This post is already long enough so that’s abt it for now LMAO

#tw vent #cw vent #personal vent #friendship vent #mental health #friends #loneliness

[babydarkstar]

fucking hate when parents do something they know will upset me and then laugh about me getting upset and then get angry when i dont have the quiet little ‘look the other way’ that they want

#like it drives me fucking insane #also my nana told my mom she thinks i have ‘anger issues’ #i was like wow well i can definitely not show up to live with u and help u whenever u need #also that’s rich coming from someone who snapped at me when i said something mundane #and needs to have things done a certain way #like literally it’s making me so angry that i want to cry #maybe i dont have anger issues maybe you have issues abt crossing peoples boundaries #and purposely trying to trigger me/my sister/anyone who u feel like making fun of #i literally cannot wait to be independent from these people holy shit #like FOUR MORE FUCKING YEARS OF IT BUT IT’S FINE. IT’S FINE #im so sick of being nitpicked and criticized all the fucking time #anyways #wnd dont tell me to move out i will hunt u down and rip you apart w bare hands #bc that means u dont understand and u never will #also im terrified that i’ll never be able to move out bc mental illness #like i have zero self control zero self discipline i wont deny myself things #anyways like i know im capable but i also feel like i never will be #also bc of my depression all of my friendships are distant now #and im too ashamed to go back and be like ‘hey sorry i ignored your snaps and only sent streaks for an entire two years’ #and like. some of my old friends are sooooo draining to be around i dont even want to try #and they remind me of being in a shit school with a shit mentality and sksnksjsjs #im just complaining

[reallyamerica]

Alexa how do i differentiate between feeling hurt and sad because something is genuinely wrong and feeling hurt and sad because mental illness and childhood trauma has made me always prone to over-analyzing, sensitive, riddled with both a victim complex and a martyr complex at the same time, and codependent in a way i know sucks because i’ve literally experienced it from the other side?

#I genuinely don’t know what to do at this point because all my friendships are whack now because of Covid so I don’t really have anyone #else to turn to besides someone I’ve already been far too much of a burden to and its like #I have amazing friends theyre all dope people and they love me but were just all a bit more distant these days and I suck at being #emotionally vulnerable with people I spend my every waking hour with let alone people I feel I’ve done nothing for in ages bc we haven’t #really seen much of each other #and I can’t even turn to the person my aching fucking heart wants me to because the baseline sadness isn’t anything they can help with and #I know that and also THEYRE depressed too but also I just feel like no one tries as hard as I’m willing to for them to be there for me #and also because some of the reason I’m sad is because of the fact i feel like they don’t like me as much as I like them and that I feel #like a burden and a bother and like I’ll never not feel neglected and they said they got it but also like nothing has changed and whenever #I critique or comment upon behavior that’s making me sad the conversations feel unproductive because I’m terrified of them getting sick of #me and leaving because they’re all I have or worse doing something bad and like #that’s a grounded fear because they literally relapsed the last time I broke down to them so #i don’t even fucking know #I just feel like I’m drowning lol #tmi #negative #personal

[somefandomimagines]

EHEM, HEARD YOU OPENED REQUESTS. CAN I KINDLY REQUEST A DSMP!TOMMY X READER ANGST FIC??? (Can be Platonic or Romantic, idk your boundaries with this lol)

ANYWAYS Like idk, the idea has to do with the whole “he died” thing and Reader is just trying to understand that Tommy is dead when suddenly BAM Tommy goes inside his house to find Reader all depressed and sad and just IDK

(Feel free to ignore this if you don’t wanna do it btw, do as you please with this request, I’m a fanfiction writer as well and I know some requests are just boring lol)

YESSS LET’S GOOOO! SOME ANGST AND FLUFF! I FUCKING LOVE HURT/COMFORT IT MAKES ME THRIVE!! Also sorry, I don’t really write full fanfics but I will write it in more of a bullet-point format bc it’s easier for my lil pea brain! The reader will be ftm in this, only slight mentions of it tho-  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TW!! MENTIONS OF DEATH AND OVER-BINDING! - “Tommy is dead, (y/n).” - Those were words that poor reader never wanted to hear - His mind honestly just... Shut down - Was this real? Was this a dream? - “No... No he can’t be, he promised me that he wouldn’t...” - Our of everyone in this world? You were the closest to Tommy - Well, you and Tubbo, but you and Tommy had a different kind of friendship - It wasn’t just something goofy and happy, but it ran deep - “I’m sorry...”  - That was all Sam could say - You oh so remember the tone of voice he had - It was something that couldn’t leave your mind - Something that would never leave your mind because of the feeling it brought. - Dread. - Despite the wars, despite losing your pet to Sapnap - You’ve never felt such... Dread - Emptiness - It was intense. - The world started to spin, your mind failing to comprehend that Tommy was gone - Tommy... He was gone...  - No. No he couldn’t be - So with that, without answering, you just ran - You ran as fast as you could to the prison - The cursed place that held Tommy and that.. Monster - You couldn’t even refer to Dream as a human anymore - Sam chased after you, trying his best to catch up but... When you’re determined, you could outrun anyone - As you made your way there, the prison just in your view - Sam had caught up with your tired form and held you back - You yelled and kicked, trying to break free of his grasp but.. - You just couldn’t - “LET ME GO! SAM PLEASE!” - It broke Sam’s heart to see you like this - But for now he just had to apprehend you... Get you away from the prison Fuckin’ time skip - Everyone was worried when they stopped hearing from you - Where had you gone? - The news must have taken a huge toll on you, Puffy especially knew this - But they knew that you needed time to think... - Or at least they had thought - You needed someone - You hated being alone and only Tommy knew that - You needed a hug, a shoulder to lean on - You needed help - But you were left alone - You needed someone - But.. Where were you now? - You were currently at Tommy’s place - One of the last places you got to see him before.. Yeah.. - You were always here, disappearing in a place that used to bring you fond memories - Alone - Despite you needing someone - You couldn’t bring yourself to ask - It was windy this day, clouds fogging up the light that the sun had to bring - (e/c) eyes gazing out the window as your breaths were shallow - You hadn’t taken care of yourself - It was plain to see - You barely ate, drank, etc... - You hadn’t taken off your binder either. - You ignored the approaching foot steps that you heard, knowing that it would just be someone else that would walk past. Someone that would think you needed to be alone... - Or did you know? - The foot steps stopped right behind you, confusion and curiousity making you turn around to face the figure... - “... (Y/n)..?” - He hadn’t expected you to be here - The last place he would look for you - The sight was worrying... - You looked tired.. You looked depressed - Blue eyes met with your (e/c) ones - “...” - “..” - “.” - “T... Tom...Tommy....?” - Your voice was weak - You hadn’t spoken in days except for when tears would cascade down your face - But... - Was this real? - “‘Ey, buddy...” - Tommy looked worried - But why? - Oh wait... You WERE covered in dirt - That was another story - But the dirt didn;t stop you from gently cupping Tommy’s face - You didn’t know if this was real or not... - But when warm skin connected with your cold hand, you couldn’t resist bringing Tommy into a tight hug - This shocked Tommy - I mean, everyone else acted so... Distant... Except for Quackity, he just.. He was Quackity - The shock didn’t last for long as he hugged you back, his grip just as tight as yours - He was back - Your Tommy was back... ANOTHER TIMESKIP OK TO MORE HPAPY TIMAS? What the fuck did I just type - “(Y/N) STOP IT” - “NAAAAH” - You lost your shit as you saw the look on Tommy’s face, his hair damp from the water you had just splashed on him - “Oh, come here you mother- FUCK” - “FUCKIGMSDOFHG”  - Tommy had tried to run to you despite the water being knees deep where he had been (You were just ankle-deep)... Which caused him to topple over, bringing you down with him - As you both recovered from that.. Sudden event, Tommy stared at you... - “Did you just fucking verbally key-smash?” - “I dunno, did I?” - “STOP BEING SNARKY YOU LITTLE BITCH-” Ok now happey IM SORRY THIS IS LIKE- SO SHIT BUT I HAVEN’T TAKEN MY MEDICINE IN DAYS LORD HELP

#tommyinnit #dream smp #hurt/comfort #shitty #tommyinnit x reader #ftm reader #angst #comfort #happey

[blockgamepirate]

On Philza and Tommy

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while but I just didn’t wanna rewatch ANY exile streams because they genuinely make me so depressed and anxious but I finally forced myself to rewatch the one where Phil visits Tommy. Or I say “rewatch”, I actually never saw the whole thing before, I kept popping in and out of the stream while it was live bc of the aforementioned anxiety and shit..

Anyway, I’ve seen arguments over the topic of whether Phil is a terrible person for not helping Tommy or not. And I wanted to offer my take on it. So I’m just gonna go through the arguments:

1: “Phil is Tommy’s dad and has a duty to look after him“

I’m not gonna spend too much time on this because for one thing it’s not really canon and for another, I actually don’t think it’s the relevant issue here. Even if Phil was Tommy’s dad, Tommy has already basically been living independently for a while. And even back when Phil and Will were still talking about the family relationships being canon, Phil said as much: that he doesn’t have authority over his boys, they’re independent people.

2: “Phil doesn’t even know Tommy and it’s unfair to ask him to look after a stranger”

I legitimately have no idea where this take came from or what it’s based on. I feel like it’s so obvious that they knew each other from before Phil even joined the SMP. Tommy recognises him right away (1), they act very familiar with each other, Phil immediately attacks Dream when Dream blows up Tommy’s house (2), Tommy tries to convince Phil to join NLM but Phil is torn because he’s friends with both Techno and Tommy (3), they plan to make their houses in NLM next to each other and Phil helps Tommy build his (4), Phil specifically gives Tommy one of the three friendship emeralds he has (5)... Also OOC Phil refers to himself as basically a father figure to Tommy (6).

The reason their relationship becomes colder is because Tommy doesn’t approve of Phil staying friends with Techno. I think this is made pretty obvious too. Tommy gets upset with Phil when he sees him hanging out with Techno (7) and when Phil comes to visit him in exile, Tommy immediately acts cold towards him and accuses him of being Techno’s friend before softening a bit when Phil gives him gifts (5).

Ref:

1: I assume you’ve all seen this one it’s in Tommy’s video

2: Philza’s Twitch Archive: Nov 16 (around 03:44:30)

3: Tommyvods: Tommyinnit speaks to Philza’s wife (around 37:40)

4: Philza’s Twitch Archive: Nov 18 (around 18:55)

5: Tommyvods: Tommy Is Holding It Together in Exile with Dream (around 24:35)

6: Philza’s Twitch Archive: Jan 27 (around 01:20:30)

7: Tommyvods: Tommy & Wilbur make Tubbo a gift and he hates it (around 19:30)

3: “Phil didn’t help Tommy at all while he was in exile“

Oh shut up, watch reference video 5 again. He brought Tommy tons of useful shit, a stack of coal blocks, 8 iron blocks, diamond boots, how was he supposed to know that it would all get destroyed by Dream? When asked, he also helped Tommy with his projects at Logstedshire.

4: “Even if Phil isn’t Tommy’s father OR his friend, he still has a duty to save an abused kid”

Okay this is finally getting to the actual point.

So I wanna refer back to video number 5 up there on my references list again and I’m gonna go through that stream here:

- Ghostbur brings Phil over to meet Tommy

- Tommy is mad because Phil is friends with Techno

- Tommy gets distracted by Phil’s new clothes and the vision of Tubbo reappearing

- Phil gives Tommy a bunch of presents, including “Tommy Slippers“ (for the cold) and a friendship emerald from Techno. Tommy is excited about the slippers, somewhat apprehensive about the emerald until Phil assures him that it’s a gift from him to Tommy, not from Techno

- Tommy decides that Phil is his friend after all

- Dream shows up and acts all casual and friendly, Phil greets him politely but doesn’t interact much with Dream unless prompted to

- Tommy asks Phil and Ghostbur if they’re even real because he keeps seeing Tubbo

- Phil asks if Tommy has been drinking the sea water

- another vision of Tubbo, only Tommy and Ghostbur see him

- Ghostbur shows Phil around while Tommy tells Dream not to tell Phil about the beach party because it’s a surprise

- Tommy asks if the reason why Phil didn’t visit earlier was because there wasn’t a path and if the path made it easier for him and Phil says yes, because he didn’t actually know how to get there before

- More Tubbo hallucination shenanigans which I’m gonna cut out from now on, just assume that it keeps happening

- Phil tells Tommy not to drink the sea water, Tommy goes “I DID DRINK THE SEA WATER BECAUSE IT TOLD ME TO!“

- Tommy asks Phil (and also Fundy who showed up) to leave the VC so he can talk to Ghostbur and Dream alone (about the secret beach party plan)

- Tommy is happy about the fact that the path he made seems to be working and people are coming to visit him

- Dream notes that they aren’t even really hanging out with him so they might just be visiting Logsted, not him (which... Tommy literally asked them to leave them alone so they could plan, Dream is just blatantly trying to fuck with his head) and Tommy deflates and agrees that Dream is probably right

- Ghostbur invites Phil and Fundy to help decorate the beach (not telling them what for but it’s like super obvious that they’re planning a party) and they do

- all five of them work on the beach for a whole while and goof around until the end of the stream

So from Phil’s point of view Tommy is acting kind of cold towards him and doesn’t seem to particularly want him around (combined with the fact that he later doesn’t get an invite to the beach party that Tommy was obviously planning). Phil brought Tommy basic survival stuff and the slippers to keep him from getting cold, not knowing that all of that is going to get destroyed by Dream anyway. He seems a bit worried about the hallucinations but assumes it’s because Tommy’s been drinking sea water and tells him to stop doing that. He also notes that Tommy looks kind of rough but doesn’t push the issue.

Meanwhile Tommy is being manipulated by Dream into believing that Phil didn’t actually come to visit him, even as Phil is literally visiting him, with named gifts and everything. And he’s already doubting if Phil is even really present because he keeps seeing Tubbo who isn’t actually there so Phil could just as well be a hallucination too, or he could easily be convinced later that Phil was a hallucination.

Basically Phil sees that Tommy is having a hard time but there’s no obvious sign of anything being wrong besides him not taking very good care of himself and feeling lonely. Tommy says he hasn’t been sleeping and that he’s been drinking sea water (which is probably a joke but anyway). Him and Dream seem to be very friendly with each other, they even keep having all these secret chats that Tommy is telling Phil to leave for.

So.... assume this is your friend who you’ve recently had a bit of a falling out with. What kind of conclusions would you draw and what would you do? Honestly, yes, Tommy’s condition seems pretty worrying, but everything just points to him being lonely and depressed about being exiled, which isn’t really something Phil can easily fix other than just visit him more. But then Tommy gives really mixed signals about whether he actually wants Phil there or not (which is because he’s planning the party but Phil doesn’t know that) and then when Phil finds out about the party he doesn’t get an invite to it (because Dream stole the invites but, again, Phil doesn’t know this). So Phil just kinda has to decide whether to go there uninvited and presumably unwanted, or just vibe and wait to hear from Tommy. Meanwhile he has stuff to do with Techno who DID invite him to hang out.

Also Tommy seems to be doing better, he’s very excited about his beach, he’s excited about the fact that he’s getting more visitors (not just Phil but Fundy too) and he’s convinced that there will be more now that there’s a path. So as far as Phil is concerned, it seems like things are getting better and Tommy might end up doing okay after all, despite everything

As a sidenote also, Phil is a bit of a hermit, right? I feel like that’s fair to say about his character. He doesn’t mind hanging out with people but to him living alone in the wilderness isn’t a bad deal at all. Obviously he understands that Tommy is not like him and needs company but you can see how he might not see the situation as all that urgent. And you can argue about what Tommy’s canon age actually is but he’s been living independently and taking care of himself like an adult during his entire time on the server, this shouldn’t really be that different. Obviously the fact that he’s exiled is bad and upsetting for him but there’s nothing Phil can do about that either. He doesn’t have control over L’Manberg or Dream.

And I just wanna point out that all of this is exactly how abusive relationships work, right? Dream is deliberately distancing Tommy from everybody he knows and making him think that Dream is the only one who cares about him. And that shit can be really hard to pick up on. It might just seem like your friend is becoming kind of distant and has different friends now. And I’ll tell you, even if you DO see the signs, it’s really hard to decide when or how to intervene, or if you’re just paranoid about it.

It’s easy to say Phil should do this or that when you’re watching Tommy’s streams and KNOW what’s happening, but try to put yourself in Phil’s shoes for a second and actually think about what you’d do in a situation like this. Also please do so while assuming that Phil is a real person with his own life to live too.

You can say that he should have been more worried and more suspicious of Dream and gone to see Tommy anyway, that’s fair. But that’s a normal human mistake and also something pretty much everybody else should have done too by that logic. And Tommy was not being very receptive to help because he was being manipulated by Dream. Honestly this was probably something where Tommy needed to figure out for himself to break free. Which he did. (And speaking from a narrative perspective: that was the best possible ending to that arc. Tommy finding his own strength and willpower again, on his own.)

I’m gonna leave this here but I might reblog with more points (or make a new post). It does take ages to go through the vods, though, and I only made it up to December 9th so far.

#philza #ph1lza #philza minecraft #tommyinnit #dream smp #zablr #also yes expect something like this except way longer #for the techno essay #if i ever finish it

[scoobscoobscoob]

in a very strange place rn i’m extremely lonely and don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore bc all of my close friends are in serious relationships now and so i’ve been like mr robot elliot sobbing about being lonely like when i was an undiagnosed and depressed autistic teen lol but i DO have friends but it’s like i’m not really number one to anyone anymore or have a number one myself so i think what this is is that my emotional needs aren’t being met. but confusing bc i feel extremely alone and distant especially from my closest two friends and last night had another sob fest about it. then today one wants to plan our next bday/10 years of friendship trip a year in advance and the other one (also my roommate) i keep thinking doesn’t care as much anymore literally just built a shelf i ordered that got delivered without me even knowing it was delivered. what is this why does my brain think no one loves us

[levis-hazelnut]

This is a vent.

You can do what you want with this post but please do read the part from where your name starts in bold and pink.

I have decided it's okay for me to type my thoughts out here In tumblr. Safer than my journal at least lol

So I'm doing okay but I also feel like shit for the past few days lol. To the point where I cried myself to sleep. Ever felt like crying badly but the tears won't come out but you can't even act frustrated? Yeah that too.

I'll be honest. I changed schools so now I have about 3 supportive friends but we haven't interacted much.

My friends from my previous school are really very cool and supportive and it is because of them, I had a thought of exploring me and thinking about my sexuality and everything.

I have a lot of friendship problems. Im kinda losing touch with My friends from the previous school and i saw it coming almost 1 years ago. But I still talk to them bc I like them. I have been betrayed and neglected and taken for granted by loads of people who were my friends. We're still in touch but there is a disconnection.

I really considered them my friends. I trusted them. I was looking for a special bond with them. But it never happened. Half of them betrayed and verbally bullied me. Some of them strayed away. Some were Influenced by other bullies. Some took me for granted.

I'm awkward at voicing out my true feelings. I wanted them to know through my actions how much they meant to me, how I bragged about how nice they were, how I loved it when we went on little adventures and screamed and laughed. But they just had to go away.

My one and only lovely best friend moved away and now we live about 2000 kms apart but we still talk and she supports me (and simple for me lol) and she is kinda like one of the top reasons I'm sane rn. I'm very grateful to have her.She sometimes visits my blog through Google and reads my fics.

I've been having depressive episodes since last year. It's definitely better than last year bc back then, I used to cry in secret like- every single day. Including my birthday. I've actually kinda mastered the art of masking my feelings.

On top of that I have family problems. My dad is not really emotionally present. I hate to say this but my mom kinda victimizes herself. Evertime they have fights, I hear and notice this. It pisses me off but the points they make about themselves make sense. Eventually they make up and they sat down and made me under stand that nothing is gonna happen but it mentally affects me a lot.

Believe me when I say that I love my parents. But I'm growing distant. On top of that there is some toxic advice and they are homophobic oof.

I know there are millions of people with more worse conditions than mine and when I think about this, I get sad and start to invalidate my feelings but with the help of some motivational people, I understand that my problems are valid and I'm allowed to feel sad. At this point I'm like my own supporter. I'm proud of it.

Every time I see jean, I relate to him a lot. Putting a strong front for others but your terrified inside. (Also thighs mm)

So Hazel. Listen to me

When I found out of tumblr and fanfics, I was overjoyed. I spend weeks reading comfort fics by many different authors including yours and it made me feel safe.

I finally decided to make an account and follow people. I mostly interacted with you. There are so many blogs and moots that I follow now, and now I'm not shy or scared to interact with them.

You know why? Because of you.

It is from your blog I first felt like I could feel safe. I never felt weird about going in your inbox more than once. Everytime you responded I felt butterflies. After that when you followed me back, I actually almost cried. Every single time I saw you in my dash, inbox or responding to me, or just interacting with your fellow moots, I felt happy.

And after that I met amber, izzy, and so many cool moots. If we ever met In real love I wouldn't hesitate to give you a big hug and thank you.

Hazel baby when I say I love you, I fucking mean it.

I love you. I love you so much

I love all of my moots, and people who I interact with every day. I found so many supportive people and people from the lgbtq and people who share the same thoughts here.

Thank you for being you.

I hope you never forget how much I admire you. I'm almost tearing up as I write this. All of you guys give me so much motivation to move forward in my life.

himani please the way you had me crying because of this i love you so so so much i cant stress it enough

(imma put a read more cos this got kinda long lol)

im so happy that you found a safe space and you feel comfortable enough to tell me all of this too. you have me on discord as well and i'd always be happy to listen to you if you need to talk or just to simply simp over 2d people lmao

and im so sorry that you've been feeling terrible, it honestly breaks my heart and i wish there was something i could do. i'd hold you and be there to fight everyone for you if i could. if those friends dont keep in touch with you, they'll be missing out and they'd be losing such a precious and amazing person. but once you lose something you always gain something - thats something i've realised so you will find the right people that will stick by you for a very long time ❤❤ i'm so glad you have your best friend there to support you and sticking by you because even when you feel like everything's just going to shit i know they'd be there for you and im happy about that

your feelings are completely valid and im glad you realised that. just know that im always going to be here too to support you and to just be there for you whenever you need it

bye the way you have my heart himani, it makes me so happy that you feel safe here and that you never felt weird about interacting with me. please you give me butterflies all the time, how could i not follow a beautiful person like you. honestly the same goes to you - i love seeing you on my dash and i love seeing you have a great time and interacting with people especially with my moots it makes me so happy i cant describe it 😭

if we ever meet im not letting you leave my side, you're gonna permanently be in my arms

i love you so much more i wish there was a way i could show just how much... im glad you found people you love and those that support you and that give you motivation. and im always going to be here to support you and for anything else you need

thank you for being comfortable enough to talk to me and to share this. you're an amazing person never doubt that 🥺🥰💖

#himani 💗 #i simp for you #hazel's angels #shes a certified hazel simp 😌😏 #things like this are the reason im still using tumblr #the way i had literal tears #i love you so fucking much himani #lets get married

[manicr]

Coming out, Pride month

I thought I'd talk about coming since it's still the last days of pride month, and how different that can be for some kids, using myself as an example.

For some kids there's no dramatic Moment™ but a life lived and sometimes unknown, with pockets of 'outness' and places where the closet exists but only as a polite fiction.

To make some sense of this, I need to go way back for myself. I was always a queer kid; in all senses of the word. Undiagnosed autism was a factor but so were others.

W were many kids in my family, I grew up with 4 of my 5 siblings, a mix of boys and girls and I was the second youngest. In effect, my older brothers helped raise me and my sisters, and my parents had little time for me. They kicked us out to play to get some peace and quiet during the days, and I frankly became somewhat of a feral child, spending time in the woods and playing by myself a lot. Now, this might sound weird when you have 5 siblings, but we were a motley bunch, fought a lot, and played too, and I was autistic af. Being without them was easier and I could do what I wanted, which was usually play with dinosaurs, explore the woods and draw a lot.

I had few friends, who I was intermittently clingy and distant towards. Typical ASD. And I can in hindsight say that by the age of 10-11 that I was queer: Xena Warrior Princess was an awakening -- in my case, it was the villainess Callisto, but Gabrielle and Xena were obviously in love with each other even before it was canon. But it wasn't an 'aha' moment to me. No great fanfares that I wasn't straight or panic about it. I hadn't understood homophobia, and I didn't much care about kissing any 'real' people, even though I was a big shipper of Hercules/Ares and Xena/Gabrielle. I understood slowly that my parents didn't approve of homosexuality or gnc stuff. So I just chalked it up to them being them and hid all that. Though I could never do feminity right. I was often mistaken for a boy as a pre-teen

When I was 12 I had my first kiss -- with a girl. It was on a dare and I didn't think anything of it. I was THAT friend then, with the few friends I had, the overly perverted verbally and clingy physically. Kissing a girl was nothing, but it was also natural. I played at liking boys at this age. Tried to like those snotty prepubescent boys in my school and tried to perform the obligatory boy band fawning. It was Backstreet Boys for me. But I felt nothing, I enjoyed shipping boys more than I did them. Nor did I want a girlfriend really. But my sister pointed out that I was too 'dykey' with my friends. Repeatedly.

When I was 13 I got depressed. It lasted all of 'high school' (sweden: högstadiet 13-15). It was bad. I was self-loathing, suicidal, and hated how I looked and felt. I explored my gender, my sexuality, and tried to find why I felt so wrong. I escaped into fandom. I lost friendships slowly, but I started to realize that they weren't all that good either. I started to realize that I probably wasn't straight, but still cis, and that I wanted to live differently than I did.

In gymnasium (swe: 16-18) I swore that I'd be happier. I came out as bisexual to my friends and school in my first year. I only chose to call myself bi because I liked looking at adult men, but fuck if I didn't like girls my age too. I was outrageously outspoken, without any borders. I dressed like in long leather coats, embroidered shirts, and cargo pants, pseudo-masc flamboyance, or full corsetted loli goth style - feminity taken to the max until it became unattractive or drag.

I let my friendships be intense, physically and emotionally, but never crossed the borders my straight friends set. Though they probably should have set them a little harder so I'd notice. I was no stranger to making out with my friends, and I had fits of jealously even -- leading me to 'share' boys with them when we made out. But despite this, I was never their girlfriend. Just an overly clingy and perverted friend -- but I was still happy. I felt loved. I kissed with one of my friends who's come out as a lesbian. It was her first kiss. No strings attached, as she said, and there weren't. I went to Pride every year after I turned 16. But I never said a word about myself to my family.

The closet was there, if barely. A polite fiction. The unspoken.

My family had all the chances to know: a gnc daughter who was too 'dykey' with her friends who went to Pride every year and was outspoken in support of queer rights. Who never brought home a boyfriend or said a word about dating. My sister sneered at me and called me a homo and a freak. But we never spoke about it. My parents stopped talking about boyfriends with me.

I left home when I was 19, to study in another city. I did, and I partied too, kissing boys and girls, loving dancing and touching, but I didn't date. I tried, a little but no one interested me more than to touch. I was out at uni. I was out online - I joked that I liked fictional men and real women. At work too. But I never spoke to my family about it, until my little sister had a gay panic moment since her bff was in love with her. I outed myself as she cried and talked her down. She's the only blood family member who I've literally told it to this day. My middle brother asked me if I like girls, I said both, and he gave me ecchi manga. Brothers.

When I was 21 I met the love of my life. The first and only man I pursued seriously. And I really had to pursue him since he thought I was a lesbian bc I was so damn queer and liked looking at women's breasts. After some comedy of errors, we got together. He always knew that I was queer and accepted it, enjoyed it even, since we could ogle at women together and he was fine with me looking/commenting on pretty men too. He had queer friends (pretty much half ), had tried it out, and decided he liked women, and he was also on the spectra of autism. I feel a kinship with him, love, and friendship. His family was queer (gay granpa and lesbian step-sister) and I was pretty much introduced as bi together with my name to them, as a matter of fact.

I married him. We've been together for 12 years. I was the first of my sisters to get wed, much to their surprise.

I'm out to the world; except for my older gen of family. But there were no dramatic moments of outing. No TV moment and teary confessions. Even as a child, to my friends, it was a bi by the way and they pretty much guessed it. My siblings, barring my older sister and oldest brother, got it in casual circumstances or guessed it. I think the rest know, but the closet is there as polite fiction so that they don't have to face it.

I don't feel like I'm in the closet. I've never really felt like it. I know my parents' and my older siblings' homophobia, and I know I'm a freak in their eyes, despite being married to a man. I don't care. They don't deserve to have a heart-to-heart with me about my identity, they don't deserve to participate in my joy, and I don't meet them more than a couple times a year.

I'm happy and bi. I love my husband, I love my friends, I love my new family; it's all queer. Coming out was never something that mattered to me. I lived my life and people with eyes saw it as it was. Those who refused had to look at me being queer af regardless. Naturally, I was drawn to queer ppl bc of this and they to me. There's only so much gnc queer shit straight ppl who aren't super queer-friendly can take. Sometimes all you have to do is live your life.

#personal #pride #coming out

[allbeendonebefore]

I was kind of under the impression that this is just a widespread thing in Alberta, especially because of the Angus Reid fractured federation survey (I cant include the link here, but you can Google it, its from January 24th 2019). When got back into Hetalia, I imagined the dynamics kinda changed to this, which would be pretty bad tbh. I hope its not that aggressive in Alberta, I will never be able to go check tho, too expensive :( I loved the bad french btw

i see you guys sending these asks super late at night and i wonder whether any of you sleep - idk where you’re writing from and i may be on the west coast but are you guys ok wherever you are? I just woke up but I have my tea and if I’m not caffeinated now I surely will be as I answer this.

I’m sure I’ve seen the survey you’re speaking of before and before I address it in any specific detail I just want to back up and re frame Why I’m Being Like This in regards to recent events and my orientation towards answering these questions in terms of Hetalia the way I do, because I think it’s the heart of how I answer.

the tldr of it is:

1. I have an opportunity to make interpretations of reality in unexpected and challenging ways, therefore widespread opinions don’t govern anything but my stupid gag comics in the simple sense that if everyone was represented by widespread opinion alone all the time, nothing would change and

2. if i can answer dozens of asks about ralph and oliver hanging out there’s absolutely no reason I can’t answer asks about ralph and jean hanging out, lol.

3. If you’d like a shorter, more concise “vision statement”, I have one on @battle-of-alberta here. (although now I notice the links don’t work on mobile so you’ll have to be on desktop for that one)

I’m assuming this will be long so cut time

(and yes, alas, the bad french is my legacy and I’m afraid it has not improved much although i swear i was an A student when i was actually taking it) (and no please don’t visit now, purely for pandemic reasons, it would be really expensive And you’d have a bad time) (and talking to me is free lmao) (I do not mean to say that you need to have feet on the ground to understand a place at all, i mean, at the moment I don’t lol)

headings because I say a lot

what even is hetalia

At the most basic level, Hetalia is a tool that can be used in a variety of ways. It can be for memorization, current politics at a glance or historical relationships in different settings. I use it for all of these things, of course, I certainly use it a lot in comics that take place in the much more distant past in @athensandspartaadventures. When I was writing that, I was in undergrad and AaSA was a tool to help me pass my exams, I didn’t think of how it might be read or interpreted by people who have lived in or experienced those places these days, or what kind of political and cultural tensions it might reveal. (Not to say that it has gotten me into sticky situations, exactly, but I am more aware of where things like that would arise now).

These days I look back on a lot of my experiences - both in IAMP/Hetalia and just as a person, and I think that if Hetalia is a tool it should be used with some awareness of intention and responsibility. Things in the fandom have changed as it became more mainstream and more well known and I think there’s a definite worry about screwing up or not representing Everything or not pleasing Everybody or not doing it Right. I have a simple, insufferably academic principle.

(That said, yes, you can still do it very wrong if you write a methodology.)

Still, it’s a comfort to me that I’m just doing the things the way I say I’m going to do them, and that is the underpinning of Inspired But Not Constrained By Hetalia. I don’t do things Himaruya’s way, I can’t do things the way IAMP would do them if it were running today because it’s not and things have changed, all I can do is do them how I would do them.

I have hurt people in the past because they sometimes couldn’t tell whether I was writing From an Albertan Perspective or not, and I’ve evoked some preeetty spicy comments over the last decade, and I realized that tone and perspective are something that really shapes how people understand and interact with my work and I’m trying to use that understanding in a conscientious way)

what even is alberta

So when you’re me and you’ve grown up in a province that is the Angriest in the country and the most Misunderstood in the country and the most Entitled in the country and nobody outside of maybe Saskatchewan has a good thing to say about you half the time and maybe you’re tired of that... you get kind of depressed thinking about how every year some kiddo comes on the internet ready to be excited about making or celebrating characters that represent themselves and No Matter Where They Go running into everyone else’s negative impressions first and foremost.

We joke about how everyone hates Toronto, though I’ve always understood it in a teasing way because I’ve never ACTUALLY met someone (outside of our current legislative assembly) who REALLY hates Toronto, but it does feel like I’ve encountered (directly or indirectly) people who do Genuinely hate Alberta and hoo boy is That a strange feeling. I mean, there’s an understanding that BC also ‘hates’ Alberta but half the people in BC are originally from Alberta so it’s a, uh, different feeling.

The story of Alberta from everywhere else is always the story of that Angus Reid article and the memes and comments and listicles that spin out around mainstream media. Alberta is giving too much. Alberta is getting too little. Alberta is too stupid to understand that equalization payments are a good thing actually, and Alberta is too dumb to understand you don’t really need EI if you make enough money in six months to own a house and multiple vehicles Just Because you own a house and multiple vehicles. Alberta is destroying the environment for everybody. Alberta has a huge concentration of white supremacists. Alberta is the Texas of Canada* and has the conservative streak and bible belt to match. Alberta should get annexed by the US. Oh, but Banff! We like Banff, though.

And like I said, politicians use these widespread feelings to stir up the sentiments of people who can’t afford to travel, people who are naturally suspicious of mainstream news, people who have barely even left their hometowns let alone the province and have no other means of validating what they hear, but people who’s emotions are genuinely tied to real feelings of alienation that really exist and HAVE existed for generations. And when the so-called “laurentian elites” in ontario and quebec make fun of them for being uneducated red necks, well, you hit a wasps nest and expected what, exactly?

what even am i doing

And like I’m faced with this question every day I decide to pick up my stylus and badger you all with unsolicited comics: do I want this to continue? Do I want to wear the mask that fits? Do I want to stand aside and say #notallalbertans #notlikeotheralbertans and stand over here on the island** patting myself on the back for not? being? there? Do I say yes, you’re right, and stand aside and watch loud mouth white supremacists co-opt wexiters and let them lead the perception of the province I grew up in just because that is what’s currently happening? Do I acknowledge the widespread sentiment and then pick apart every other province to say Well Actually You’re Equally Problematic Hypocrites, So There?

Obviously I’ve been saying no for a while. I’m perfectly happy to acknowledge the reality and when I draw stupid gag comics like this or this you can tell (hopefully) from my style that it’s tongue and cheek. When I draw less stupid not-gag comics like this or this I am trying to explore the Real Sentiments in a way that doesn’t completely polarize the issue and spin it out of control. I’m more of the opinion that even though Current Sentiments do get in the way that as personifications they 1. have some perspective and as people they 2. have some interest in not throwing out a friendship that was a struggle to build up every time the polls change or some new radical party seizes power. I do a lot of research and I want that to be reflected in my understanding of each characters deep seated beliefs and motivations, but I don’t want to let either the history or the current realities dictate the future if I am going to try to do that myself. 

why even am i doing it for

So like really the heart of the matter is: I am writing what I write for my thirteen year old self. She was the me who moved back to Canada from the United States, who’s first introduction to living there was a hellish surge of nationalism after September 11th. Who’s defense against that was to hide behind a shield of Canada is Better, Actually and who returned to Alberta during the boom years to realize that, oh wait, the rest of the country thinks we’re assholes just like they think the United States is. Who spent her teenage years learning that, boom or bust, the widespread sentiment in and out of the province is just as narrow, shortsighted, self interested, and stubborn as her own fiction of What Canada Was Supposed to be Like. Who learned that propping up that image at the expense of her friendships was not worth it, that propping up that image at the expense of people who are suffering and dying under that image is not worth it. Who found herself rehashing the same sort of gut reaction defensiveness online because the Guilt and Apologizing on behalf of her province compared to others felt Really Heavy for a kid who didn’t have any clue what to do about it and was just there to have fun and learn some stuff.

So I’m writing for anyone else who finds themselves exhausted and saddened by coming online and seeing that the only way that people can imagine Alberta is as an antagonist. I’d like to challenge everyone to start to imagine it better. It’s my little “escape” from reality, and for me it’s much easier to talk to people here where the stakes aren’t as high and the grievances a little less personal.

I’m also writing (in a more secondary way) for everyone who’s ever looked at alberta from afar and wondered What is going On inside your Head and is it always This

(no comment at this time)

as always, I’m here to explain At The Very Least what goes on in My head because at the end of the day, that’s all I can do. And though there are some things that make me angry and emotional, I’m happy to explain why. Happy to answer asks or chat on discord or whatever, any time I have the time. :)

footnotes

*This is just a footnote to say something I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of my comments, but this is an annoyance that me and my Texas Tomodachi share lol

**You’ll notice angry Albertans online have a favourite tactic, and that’s pointing out hypocrisy. They can justify A N y T h I n G by calling another province a hypocrite “so there” (i.e. BC can’t claim to be environmentally conscious because of Victoria’s sewage problem or Site C) - and while I am interested in shattering the image of Alberta vs. the Perfect Rest of Canada a little bit, I feel like it’s a very lazy argument that is used to deflect and not to help. I think it is more useful to unpack the sentiment of Why Alberta Still Feels Taken Advantage of rather than mudslinging, and when the mud starts flying no one seems interested in addressing problems anymore.

#hapo rambles #hapo replies #hapo rants #yeah y yeah alberta #projectcanada #iammatthewian #pc: alberta #iamp: alberta #Anonymous #will i actually directly address the survey #maybe later but i have other stuff to do #you can remind me

[themilky-way]

Different Colors {p.p}

gif credit: mentioned above!

pairing: peter parker x stark!reader

summary: you and peter develop a friendship as you help each other cope with the aftermath of Endgame. 

warnings: some angst?? and there are some minor hints of depression and I am not trying to romanticize it so please, if you notice some errors and mistakes w how I wrote it, let me know so I can fix! and this contains some endgame spoilers so if you haven't seen it, I recommend you don’t read this and skip it! this doesn’t contain ffh spoilers so no need to worry!

author’s note: this is more platonic than romantic so I wanted to try out something new! also I'm in my peter parker feels bc this hoe watched far from home so request some peter stuff folks. additionally, does the “keep reading” thing work for ya’ll? its being a b to me on my laptop but it works on my phone so lemme know

----------

 life after the final war was difficult. smiling and pushing forward was hard enough on its own. you felt numb and weak, despite putting on a mask of strength for your family and everyone around you. your father, one of the most important figures in your life and in the entire universe, had left. bright images adorned every street you walked through, framed family portraits roamed every corridor in your home, your supposed safe haven. 

you tried your very best to keep going, to put in your mind the fact that tony stark died heroically and to save the universe. at the start of every new day, you told yourself these exact words so you would move on. but, nonetheless, you simply couldn’t. it was at these points in your life where you envied your sister’s youth. morgan was too young to fully comprehend the death of her father and, thus, didn’t grieve as deeply as the others did. 

you eventually started disappearing to the rest of the avenger’s, who were now dispersed mentally amongst themselves, but still lived at the headquarters. your visits would be less frequent and when you did go, it was only to deliver some personal drawings morgan would make of them in school. sometimes, if the group was lucky, you would actually come inside for a quick chat.

back home wasn't any different either. pepper would notice the full plates of food in the fridge you refused to eat, using the lame excuse of “I’m just not hungry tonight.” your bedroom lights were now always off and replaced with a candle you lit 24/7 next to a picture of tony. the house was quiet. everything that had to do with your persona was now excruciatingly quiet. 

worried for her daughter’s wellbeing, pepper found herself dialing a number she never would have called. her shaking, skinny fingers pressed each digit on the phone screen and finally hit the call button. she pressed it against her ear and prayed, on everything that has ever been sacred, that the child on the other end would pick up. and when they finally did, their voice audibly breaking as yours now always did, things began to change.

you, the daughter of a famous billionaire and hero to the universe, met peter parker a month after tony’s funeral. you opened the door to your dim-lighted room to come face to face with your mom, a young boy who looked about your age, and your sister, morgan.

pepper’s eyes looked red from crying and so did the boy’s, whilst morgan’s were confused and worrisome. your eyes, however, were tired and dark circles now adorned your once soft features. you were scared that something had happened, senses toppling with one another as you tried to register any other dangers to your family. 

“mom, what’s going on? are you alright, did anything happen? mo, are you sick?” your voice was hoarse and came out in strangled vowels as your eyes questioned everyone there. 

“we’re doing alright, bub, no need to worry. is it alright if we come in to talk to you?” pepper asked. you agreed, and stepped aside so everyone could pass through. 

as everyone made their way into your room, you sat down crisscross on one side as pepper and morgan sat in front of you. the boy, unlike your mother and sister, stood awkwardly at the end of your bed. 

“(y/n), this is peter parker, the one with the stark internship. peter, you can come closer if you’d like,” pepper said as she motioned to peter. the boy obliged, inching a few steps forward with his hands in the pockets of his black jeans. 

“um, hey peter, I guess?” your hands fiddled with each other in your lap as you said so, but you managed to look up at peter, who in turn looked away in a shy manner. flicking your eyes back to pepper’s, before asking her what this was all about. 

“well, honey, ever since your father passed away, you’ve been distant and I understand we’re all still coping with it. but I-we-have noticed that you’re isolating yourself and have completely lost communication with us.” your mom’s hands reached over to cover yours, which were nervously shaking. “(y/n), we all miss him. we all loved him. but if we don’t let the pain from our past go, we can’t heal.”

amidst your mom’s speech, you couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment where you had let your emotions get the best of you. you felt the salty taste of your tears run down your lips and neck as you made no effort in wiping them away. you needed to get it out. 

that’s when peter and morgan handed you a tissue and you looked up to see their outstretched hands holding the thin material towards you. you took the tissue from both of them, using one to wipe your eyes and the other to blow your nose. peter, who was still in an awkward position, stepped in. 

“it’s y/n), right?” he paused as you gave him a nod. “I know we don’t know each other at all but your mom asked me to come check on you. I agreed because I figured we both lost a father, and we could help each other as best we could.”

“my dad talked about you a lot. after the snap, he would always dedicate his evenings to finding out a solution. he really did love you as a son. morgan and I just never got a chance to meet you,” you recited. peter was listening intently as you spoke with his arms crossed over his chest, eyes beginning to fill with tears at your words. 

pepper was quiet amongst your first interaction with peter. this is what she wanted. she wanted to know what and how you felt, your thoughts that have been running through your head since her husband’s sacrifice. and she knew she didn't make a mistake when you began to open up. 

pepper motioned to morgan to give you and peter some time to talk and morgan happily obeyed her mom. they both got up from the bed which caused you to face them with a confused expression. 

your mother acknowledged your confusion and spoke with a calm and quiet tone, “we’re gonna let you guys talk for a while, is that okay, honey? peter?”

“I-uh-um yeah that's fine, mom,” you said. you shifted to face peter to find an answer and for a few seconds his gaze switched between you and pepper. “yeah that's totally fine. there’s things that I need to get out of my chest, too.”

your mom smiled lightly and took Morgan’s tiny hand in her own as she walked out of the room. before closing the door completely, morgan’s free hand raised to give you a small wave and you returned it, a genuine smile crossing your features for the first time in a while. the door shut, the light that was once in your room leaving alongside the two people you loved. 

you leaned over to turn the lamp on your nightstand on, the light momentarily blinding you because you had become used to a darker ambient. both you and peter had a chance to appropriately greet each other and offered him the chair from your desk.

afterwards, you both sat across from each other and simply talked. it was a conversation that neither of you expected to be comforting, but it was. feelings and emotions escaped out of you and you swore that you felt your heart began to stitch itself back together. 

and that’s how it was from that point on. you and peter began to hang out a couple times per week; helping him out with a spider-man problem or even as simple as solving a physics equation was enough to bring you both back to the joy of being in the real world. he, in turn, organized days where you, peter, and morgan would play UNO card sessions while pepper and aunt may chatted. 

with your mom, you began to tell her how you felt and everything that had been locked up within you was shared. because of that, you and pepper grew closer as a mother and daughter.

it was a genuine friendship that was formed by the most devastating circumstances. the avengers, you and your family, and peter were finally able to see the world in different colors. 

#peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker #avenger endgame #tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #spider-man #spiderman homecoming #tony stark #avengers #avengers endgame spoilers #marvel imagines #marvel

[sharkmobster]

spider verse coffee shop au??

Anon im sorry i wanted to draw the coffeeshop au but ive been so tired lately so imma just overshare about what goes down bc this au is just (thick tombstone voice) : “everybody’s traumatized bitch lets get you a latte”

 • this au is incredibly villain centric bc uhhhhh all i do is think about villains

 • its also very aaron davis centric bc time to project my anxiety onto a grown ass man babey!!

 • anyway this takes place in a normal world where there’s no superheros or avengers or what have you, everyone’s super average 

• like i said this is more or less aaron centric and focuses on him readjusting to society and making connections with other people, and just healing in general. Aaron’s whole deal is that he was wrongfully arrested for defending himself against an off duty cop who was harassing him and ended up with a 10 year sentence  (but was let off a year earlier for good behaviour). He’s got a lot of guilt bc of this if only for the fact that he feels like he let down his brother and Miles (who was a small lad at the time).

 • Fun Fact! Jefferson was the one that picked up Aaron at the jail when he served out his sentence! The ride back to brooklyn was awkward! but also jefferson loves his brother and even tho they’ve had their falling outs he never once stopped believing that his brother was innocent. Jefferson also made sure to pull some strings and ended up getting an apartment set up for Aaron (even though jefferson and rio were 100% down to open their home to him for as long as it took him to get back onto his feet but of course aaron denied them bc he didnt want to be a burden) Aaron’s grateful but he tends to avoid his own family…a lot….

• it’s ridiculously hard to find a job bc nobody wants to hire an ex convict no matter the circumstances and Aaron’s legitimately about to lose hope when he spots an expensive looking shop nestled in between an old arcade and a knick knack shop

 • ‘Vanessa’s Cafe’ is neatly printed above the door in fancy gold lettering. it’s obvious that the owner has serious cash bc the shop looks too damn good and too well maintained to be a regular mom and pop shop. there’s a help wanted sign hastily scribbled on a piece of notebook paper in the middle of the window which is odd since it off sets the professional vibe of the place. But hey it’s worth a shot so Aaron walks in ready to be denied another job only to find the weirdest looking group of people he’s ever seen.

 • The first guy that catches his attention is the very large albino man who looks way too stressed out and manic to be working in a coffeeshop, but the job must pay well because he’s very well dressed.

 • “Liv, for fuck’s sake! Clean your goddamn station!” he’s whisper shouting? Is that even a thing? oh look at that he’s got a full set of razor sharp teeth. huh. that’s a hell of an aesthetic he’s going for.

 • The lady in question isn’t even giving him the time of day, just enthralled by her phone with a smile that looks too peaceful given what’s happening around her. She’s got wild hair tied up messily in a knitted bandana, weird glasses (custom made??) and when she glances up at aaron, her eyes widen in interest like he’s some anomaly to be cracked open. aaron looks anywhere that isnt the wild eyed lady at the counter.

• Theres another big guy that’s hanging around the back, heavily tattooed and lifting stacks of heavy boxes. Aaron takes notice of his prosthetic hand and the tattoo guy takes notice of Aaron. 

• “Lonnie. Customer.” The Tattoo guy seems nonplussed about Aaron and walks into the back. aaron assumes that he’s offended him by staring at his prosthetic for longer than necessary which yeah….yeah he’s probably not happy about the staring. 

 • lonnie’s got a bad case of resting bitch face so he’s glaring at aaron without actually glaring and he’s just rough around ALL the edges so his tones got that nice bite to it as he shouts from across the counter (which is not something you do to a customer but it’s lonnie…..)  "Hey! Ya looking for a job, skinny jeans?!“

 • Aaron blanches at the idea of working with these people but he is absolutely desperate for a job at this point.

 •"Yeah. I just got out of-”

 •"Great, you’re hired! We’re speed running this whole introduction thing, string bean.“

 •and that’s all i got other than like small details like:

 •Peter B Parker owns a ”“’'cafe”“” across from Vanessa’s and its literally just a burger joint that h a p p e n s to sell coffee and Parker will fight you if you call his place a deli ahdhdj

 •Liv and May are dating (big shock) and peter b has to constantly deal with seeing his competition over at his place all the time and it’s yikes

 • Tombstone and Noir will 100% throw hands on contact. They don’t hate each other tho??? Its weird they just like to fight. gives them a chance to work on their banter i guess. Noir works the coffee machine at Peter’s “'cafe”’ so i guess he’s the “”barista”” of the joint but he drinks the coffee more than the customers do

 • Miles and the rest of the spider kids “”“”“"intern”“”“” at the cafe which basically translates to free labor

 •  spider ham works there but he isnt a pig he’s just john mulaney. i know its weird. nobody actually sees him tho so he’s a complete mystery as to what he looks like so he could be john mulaney you never know. the only person who’s seen him is noir and that’s only bc they’re  a thing???

 •oh speaking of everyone being gay:  everyone’s gay

 • Lonnie and Gargan (tombstone and scorpion) are 100% dating but everyone legitimately thinks that the both of them are straight old men despite the fact that they live together, go to work together, hang out afterwards together, and they’re just always together

 • lonnie’s  daughter (janice)  visits every other week (def the product of a divorce he went through years ago) she’s alright with gargan but she’s very distant towards her dad and def has that teen angst phase that she’s going through

 • (lonnie can and will talk to you for hours about how much he loves and supports his daughter despite the fact that their relationship is very estranged)

 • you can find janice hanging out with the cute blond punk girl at that weird burger/coffee place across the street

 • oh gargan’s big and strong despite the fact that he’s missing three limbs, liv works in robotics on the side and constantly tweaks and repairs his prosthetics when they start acting up which leads to them having this weird friendship where they both borrow each other when they need something and dont really expect anything in return (like gargan’s good for getting her supplies and doing heavy lifting when she needs it and liv’s always down to run check ups on gargan)

 • oh yeah liv used to be a scientist but immediately lost her license and phd when she started going above some board members heads to buy less than legal things through super illegal sources

.• that’s another thing, kingpin tends to just hire ex cons and criminals to work in his cafe just bc he believes that a person willing to work hard to better themselves deserves a chance to re enter society again.

 • like they’ve all done bad things but still ended up with a job at the cafe. aaron fought a cop, liv did some shady deals for an illegal experiment, gargan used to run a drug ring years ago due to personal reasons but once he was free from jail he never dealt with the stuff again, and lonnie killed a dude (allegedly. he never went to jail bc they couldn’t prove anything but hey word spread around quick and everyone knew not to go anywhere near this guy)

 • kingpin is in this au btw he’s just……a very depressed man who’s still grieving over his wife and son dying in a car accident

.• he rarely shows up to run the cafe bc its too much for him being in the place that his wife loved and built up from the ground. he used to be the manager after she died but couldn’t handle it and mostly left lonnie to take care of it

• which holy fuck lonnie is trying his best to keep this cafe alive and well and there’s only two other people working there so like its enough to have him scrambling all over the place trying to find more help (thanks aaron)

 •miles doesn’t know aaron’s working at the cafe across the street and aaron def wants it that way bc even tho he’s out of jail he hasn’t actually……visited miles yet….. it’s the shame that’s keeping aaron from reaching out to him which is….sad bc miles doesn’t care what happened he just wants his uncle back.

 • oh oh one more thing RIPeter used to run the deli across the street but had to leave brooklyn to go volunteer at homeless shelters across the states indefinitely so theres no telling when he’ll be back, so he left the cafe under the guidance of pb parker (peter b parker voice: my cafe now)

 •and uhhh thats all i got, like i said this au is just found family trope + the healing we all want + bad people getting redemption which is all the tropes that i love all compacted together in the most cliche au you can imagine!

#itsv #aaron davis #the prowler #liv octavius #doctor octopus #lonnie lincoln #mac gargan #hi i work at a starbucks and it's hell so this is how i cope babey!! #spider verse #spiderman #the life and times of a robot prince

[mental-health-advice]

I have a problem with isolating and bc of that I only really have one close friend and lately she’s been very distant. She graduated and started a new job a few months ago and really loves it, has made lots of friends, etc. She doesn’t try to see me anymore and when she does it’s short & not the same. I don’t want her to feel guilty about moving forward and I know if I confront her I know she would deny it. Do I just let her leave me behind? It’s not rly a friendship anymore if I make her stay.

Hello there,

I understand this situation well, it's one that I've been in before. It's really hard to see your friend's moving forward with their life when you feel like you're not moving forward with them. The truth is that she's not doing it because she wants to distance herself from you or from the friendship, but you might already be aware of that too. As we grow, life really does take us in different directions. At first, that was really hurtful to me. I was stuck with my mental illnesses, and definitely didn't feel like I was getting anywhere in life, and here my friend was succeeding and spending less and less time with me. It definitely didn't help the isolation.

But this doesn't mean that your friendship is over or that it's any less meaningful. Priorities do change as you get to the age where work and living out of home start to factor into some people's lives. Some people may have less time for friends. This doesn't mean they don't appreciate your friendship, or their time with you. However, if you feel like it's taking a toll on you, I think it's okay to speak up about it. Try to do it in a way that is calm, and emphasises on your feelings by using "I" statements instead of "You" statements (which can come across as blaming). We have a page here on DBT Skills - if you go down to the interpersonal communication section, you can read more about talking about your feelings. Try to offer: your understanding of the situation, your feelings about the situation, and a resolution. For example:

Your understanding may be: I know you've been really busy with your work, and I'm so glad that you're having a great time. I know it must cut into a lot of your spare time though.

Your feelings may be: I miss getting to spend quality time with you.

Your resolution may be: Could we maybe schedule a catch up once a month, so that we can regularly hang out?

This gets across your feelings in a really constructive way, and puts no blame on her or on you.

After leaving school, I didn't see my friends for quite literally years after. I felt very isolated and depressed. After years, I also figured they were out having fun and probably didn't want me to bring them down. Then a decade after our graduation, I started talking to one of the friends again. Turns out she actually did want to hang out with me. It made me realise that the original feeling of isolation managed to twist all of my thoughts. It managed to make me think that I was boring, that no one wanted to be with me, and I was friendless. And the longer I thought that, the more the thoughts twisted. But that wasn't reality. And if you're feeling this way too, I promise you it is not reality. Although we can't see each other often now, we now meet up about twice a year. Having those set times makes me feel like I have something to look forward to, and like I'm really wanted. It's nice to have that connection, and really, the only thing holding me back was my thoughts.

If this sounds familiar to you, I'd really recommend seeking some Further Help. Your doctor is a great place to start. If you let them know about these feelings of isolation, and anything else that's been weighing on you, they can look at some treatment plans. This might include seeing a psychologist or therapist. This can be really helpful to identify what are those twisted thoughts, and what is actually happening in reality, and then find ways to cope when those rougher thoughts come on. We also have a list of Helplines and a page of Web Counsellors if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, even to break that cycle of isolation. One last thing that helped me was joining an online community. This has come in different forms over the years, but can include things like reddit, facebook groups, online gaming (I even went back and joined the Neopet community simply to reminisce, and found a whole lot of great people there). This can help you in those lonely times, when you realise there are groups of people you can fall back onto.

I want you to know that this isn't a place that you're stuck in. Whilst you might feel like you're not moving forward how you'd like to, you are moving still. Each day that you're here, you take more in as a person and you grow. And even if, like me, it feels like it's pointless and not going to ever change, it actually does over time. In time, you'll realise that you're moving forward in a way that you didn't expect. Through therapy, I was able to break the feeling of isolation. It still took a while for me to get on my feet, but last night I went out with a few people and realised that these people like me. I never, ever thought I'd be in a situation where a few people could want to be around me. And sure, I'm still not ahead like my friends were back then. I can't work, I'm not studying, I don't have kids. But I've also realised that that's okay. We do all take different journeys. Careers, family and study don't define your worth. It's who you are as a person that does, and I can tell from your message that you are a compassionate and caring friend. Please do take a look at the resources, and see if you can get in to see your doctor.

Positive thoughts your way,Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #isolation #lonely #friendships #friends #anonymous #advice #advice blog #mental health advice

[yung-gunshot]

In questions!

thank you denna @kisamas

1. What takes up too much of your time? rn its mainly vibeo game and anime. i still play djmax respect like almost every single day plus also playing ace combat 5 & 7 and i recently finished watching ergo proxy which was pretty cool

2. What makes your day better? cooking something yummy like pasta or curry makes my day better and just generally playing games something that distracts me from my problems at the moment

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? i made pasta with sausage, broccoli, and spinach for dinner and it was really good 

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? hm i havent really thought about this but i think it would be cool to see the netsphere from blame! but without being involved in all the fucked up stuff i just love the architecture 

5. Are you good at giving advice? i would like to think so but none of my friends i know irl reach out to me so maybe i think not i just speak bollocks 

6. Do you have a mental illness? hm not sure, i never got officially diagnosed but im pretty sure i may have developed depression ever since i graduated hs

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? i dont think i have 

8. What musician inspires you the most? not sure about musicians but deathgrips and jpegmafia have kinda inspired me at the moment just because they make whatever they want without being afraid of what people think of them

9. Have you ever fallen in love? yea its happened twice now

10. What’s your dream date? i dont really think about this just because i dont think it will ever happen but i think just hanging out and going hiking anywhere would be nice and i really enjoy checking out new places to eat in town

11. What do others notice about you? not really sure about this question tbh maybe that im really easy to get along with? and i dont like the fact that i exist outside of my own perception 

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? isolation? but also i tend to bounce my leg and play with my hair a lot

13. Do you still talk to your first love? nope 

14. How many exes do you have? 2

15. How many songs are in your playlist? im not really sure i just have 3 playlists on spotify that most songs go to depending on the mood they are pretty huge though so id say at least 100 per playlist

16. What instruments can you play? i used to be able to play the trumpet in elementary 

17. What do you have the most pictures of? i have lots of landscape pics from the places i go camping and hiking then its just anime girls memes etc

18. Where would you like to go before you die? i think it would be really nice to see japan, korea, and indonesia plus also visit every national park here in the us and some parts in mexico like cancun and puebla 

19. What’s your zodiac? aquarius 

20. Do you relate to it? sometimes but most of the time i think its stupid 

21. What is happiness to you? just living a life where i dont have to maintain a certain image of myself and free from the pressures of modern day life and capitalism 

22. Are you going through anything right now? yea i still havent registered for fall classes yet and also havent been able to find a job either and i lost my friendship with my best friend a month ago

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? i think telling my best friend i grew feelings for them is by far the worst thing ive done to date and its just something im never going to forgive myself for

24. What’s your favorite store? winco, samber and la chiquita (local hispanic stores) and grocery outlet

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? pro

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nope

27. Do you have a favorite album? ive had a few as my all time fav like Emily’s D+Evolution , To Pimp A Butterfly and Toxicity, rn though im really enjoying Dog Whistle by Show Me the Body, Infest the Rats’ Nest by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and Veteran by Jpegmafia

28. What do you want for your birthday? maybe some new cardigans and candles would be nice

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? i think people see me as a quiet and distant person because i dont talk that often when meeting new people

30. What age do you seem according to most people? my age (21) -/+ 1

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? i keep it on the corner of my bed next to my head

32. What word do you say the most? bollocks, bellend, fuck, worm 

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 25

34. What’s the youngest you would date? maybe 20 but they would have to be a very specific type of person for me to consider dating them, safe bet with 21

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? art teacher

36. What’s your favorite music genre? it used to be hip hop for a really long time but now i like rock and metal but really ill listen to anything except for country and edm. ive also just been listening to a ton of vibeo game and anime music too 

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? i honestly think if the world wasn’t dictated by money i would want to live in mexico or japan tbh i like the us but just for the nature and landscapes 

38. What is your current favorite song? Camp Orchestra by Show Me the Body

39. How long have you had this blog for? i think i started in the middle or end of 2015

40. What are you excited for? i cant really say im looking forward for anything other than death stranding coming out and the dlc for ace combat 7

41. Are you a better talker or listener? i think im a better listener than i am a talker bc when i talk i cant even understand what im saying sometimes. listening is much more important to me bc i can actually process what people are saying 

42. What was the last productive thing you did? i talked to my adviser today and made some food and took my dog out for a walk at the park

43. What do you want for Christmas? i would like more board games to play with my cousins and friends and maybe some new pants too

44. What class do you get the best grades in? i dont know about best grades but its usually my painting and drawing courses 

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 5

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? i honestly dont know and the only thing that comes to mind is being a teacher? i just live day to day 

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? i guess after i graduated hs we were talking before we graduated but things sorta fell apart and i realized my feelings a bit too late to change anything 

48. What age do you want to get married? not sure since i cant see myself being taken seriously enough to want to marry but i guess ill say any age before 40

49. What career did you want to have as a child? i dont quite remember but i recall wanting to do space travel so maybe an astronaut? or astronomer

50. What do you crave right now? emotional stability, some taro milk tea, and more pasta\

im gonna tag @deredere @euthymiclurker and @dementatree :)

#a lot of the questions i honestly didnt know how to answer sorry if they were trash