#like FOUR MORE FUCKING YEARS OF IT BUT IT’S FINE. IT’S FINE

[my-castles-crumbling]

I have a problem Cas… I think im in love. 

Okay so, there’s this girl. We’ve been best friends like 5 years. I mean i’ve always- okay I don’t know how to explain this. 

I’m basically a fan-fiction come to fucking life. 

So i’m Demisexual, and last year I decided to come out to my family. I don’t know if other Demi ppl have preferences of gender, but I don’t. Honestly labels confuse me. I’m not sure if technically i’m Biromantic and Demisexual but hey, the point is- and what I explained to my family- that i’d be open to dating anyone. 

Basically i was telling them I wasn’t straight. (Obviously Demisexual is also about sexual activities and people and stuff but I wasn’t gonna try and explain to my parents that I don’t really get attracted to random ppl- cause they don’t get it- and I didn’t want to accidentally start talking abt sex). 

So anyway, they were not happy. Have you watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine? There’s this clip where the character Rosa comes out as Bi and her parents are like “That’s okay, since you can still date a man and marry a man and be normal” and they were like that for me (i’m a girl in case that wasn’t obvious- so they wanted me to date a man).

And I didn’t really care to be honest. I had an equal level of straight friends to queer friends, I felt suitably in both worlds. I truly love my family. They’ve always been good to me. But they did imply if I did end up with a girl, they wouldn’t want to meet/know her.

Not to mention the religious trauma. I spent a shit ton of time listening to ppl tell me that same-sex marriage and relationships are a “sin”. Hell- there was this one rlly lovely women at church when I was like 9, but she got kicked out when they congregation found out she was a lesbian. (Okay- not kicked out but like bullied into leaving).

So it was fine for me to accept that I could potentially date a women since i’ve never felt immediate attraction to anyone, it never felt totally real. 

BUT NOW I HAVE A PROBLEM. So my best friend (who is also a girl) of 5 years. She’s amazing. She’s literally the funniest person i’ve ever met, she’s so generous and has helped me so much, and she’s just adorable. She’s like fucking sunshine. And ngl, I don’t often like people who are so cheery all the time because it feels fake and I like people around me to be honest. 

But she just, she has this way of finding the beauty in the stupidest things and it’s so cute. We got splashed by a car the other day, drenched both our outfits, and instead of being mad, she got all excited and had us do a photoshoot in our crazy soaked clothes, and then got all excited that we could cuddle under a duvet and watch a movie with snacks once we got home cause apparently that’s the only acceptable thing people can do after being covered in water (which is exactly what we did).

And she’s not unreasonably happy, you know? Like when people try to cheer people up at bad times and make everyone more sad, she’s not like that. Whenever i’m upset, or mad, she’ll doodle these cute little flowers on coloured paper and write things she loves about the world on the back of them, and once i’m done ranting abt how annoying the world is, she’ll give it to me and smile. She has the best smile.

I have this jar, I write the date on them and put the paper in the jar. 

We’ve been best friends five years, she started doing that like four years ago and i’ve had the jar pretty much from the start. 

It’s always been easy to be around her. We sort of knew each other for like a year, and then I blinked, and we were best friends. I read all the books she gives me even though the plot is super cheesy cause she loves talking about them, I learnt how to bake all her favourite snacks her mum made, cause she’s pretty far from home and honestly a tragic baker. And she cooks dinner (don’t ask how she can’t bake to save her life but is the most incredible cook, it’s unbelievably ridiculous) for us a lot, she learnt to make my fav food. 

We technically live together, we’re at the final year of uni (maybe not tho depending on our next courses, I dunno) so we’ve been living together this year, but before that, I basically spent most of my time around her place anyway.

So yeah, we’re friends. But I realised a few months ago that i’m pretty, definitely, in love with her. I think i’ve felt like this for about a year and it just hadn’t quite clicked yet. 

(I had this awful day and came back to our place to see her genuinely painting our wall a different colour of white. She paints as a hobby and accidentally splatter a ton of blue paint on the wall and freaked out and tried buying white paint to cover it when it wouldn’t wash of and she was sat on the floor with white paint all over her and the wall still blue. 

She told me the story and I burst out laughing. I explained you often need white primer first, to cover the blue, and then to buy the correct shade of white, since ours was sort of chill white and she’d bought bright white. 

It’s the type of thing that would’ve annoyed me so much at the end of such a tough day, but because it was her, I just found it adorable. That’s when it clicked, I love her. She noticed I was tired immediately and felt bad cause she realised i’d had a bad day. I said this cheered me up, cause it did. Then we made dinner together and spent the night reading on the sofa with music on. 

We went to the shop the next day to get the correct stuff and luckily our wall is back to looking almost exactly the same). 

So yeah, I love her. Plus like, being demi, I don’t usually find ppl attractive… I mean i’ve always known she’s aesthetically pleasing, she has good fashion sense and stuff, but like, I tend to view all people as the same sort of level of attractive. BUT NOW ITS LIKE- SHES FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. It’s kind of annoyingly actually. How is everyone not spending all day gazing at her eyes. They’re fucking caramel, like a book character. She says they’re brown but she’s wrong. In dull lighting they seem brown but they’re like dark orange (amber i guess) with little hues of green, but in the sun they’re really bright and caramel and warm. 

She’s a lesbian btw. So theoretically I’ve got a shot. Also, i’ve always been good at reading people and I know she’s had like a small crush on me at least twice in our friendship. You can tell sometimes. 

But recently, it’s been a wreck. I’m so distracted cause i’m in love with her I can’t think, and my friends keep telling me she loves me back but I can’t keep my head on straight long enough to try and tell. 

But. If I do get my head out of my ass and tell her and she does end up wanting to date me, what the fuck am I supposed to do then. Cause if it does work out, i’m pretty sure it’ll last. 

My parents never totally liked her (they probably saw this coming- but I think in the homophobic, all queer ppl date each other, way and not the, they’re meant to be together, way) and if ended up having to tell them i’m actually dating a women, they’d be pissed. 

I always thought i’d end up with man, since it’s easier. No religious guilt about that. But I can put aside my own brains stupidity for her. But I can’t change my parents. But aside from this, they’re literally amazing. But I also know them and I truly don’t think they’ll change.

All my friends having been saying me and her should’ve been dating this entire time. I don’t know, I like to think now would be kinda perfect. I always knew she was gonna be in my life forever, I guess I just got so used to imagining myself with a man I forgot she was an option? That I could be with her romantically forever. You know, assuming she wants to date me.

(We’ll see about that. I’m really not sure. But i’m totally shit at keeping my own secrets so i’m planning to tell her soon if not just for the sake of my own sanity. All my friends say she’ll reciprocate, if she doesn’t, then I guess i’ll go from there, she’s not the type to be weird or bothered that we live together despite it. And if she does… then I have to decide what to do next. My other best friend is literally always right when it comes to our friends dating lives, and she has faith we’ll end up together, so we’ll see I guess) 

But if she does. If she does I’ll have to get into it with my family. I don’t want to lie to them. And I know I shouldn’t judge, but I honestly don’t think they’ll change their minds. I think they’ll say I can come visit whenever, but not bringing my partner. And I won’t want that. And we’ll all argue.  

I never liked knowing my parents didn’t accept this side of me, but I guess I never considered it would be an actual problem i’d have to deal with someday. 

I spend a lot of my time trying to figure myself out. I haven’t had the easiest path in life. But with her, it’s so easy. It’s easier to understand what I like, it’s easier to talk about things, and I fully trust her not to be weird. Or leave. Or get mad for nothing. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around her. I trust her. We don’t argue much. We have, what she calls, three different type of arguments. 

One, “bad mood argues”. She finds it so hilarious that it rhymes. You have to say it with the syllables. Bad-Mood Ar-Gues. We have these cookies in the freezer that we make every month. If one of us is having a bad day, we cook a few cookies to eat and I bought this dumb fridge magnet of a cookie to put on the fridge to signify it’s a cookie worthy bad day. 

Another one is “justifiable anger”. That doesn’t happen much. When we first met, she had this tendency to not tell me when I did something that upset her, and it’d spiral, and i’d be mad she wasn’t talking about why she was mad. So we have a rule to always talk about problems, even the little things. For example, her yelling into the phone to her family for hours while i’m trying to study- she has planned days now, so I can go to the library or she can go out if necessary, or keep the convo below 45 min, her mums like half deaf so she does have to shout, but it’s also VERY loud. Basically we comprise. And make sure no anger builds up.

The third type of argument is, what our friends call, “married idiots”. As in, she shouldn’t use the siri talk thingy while driving cause it never understands what she’s trying to say and so I get jumbled texts that mean nothing and then she thinks she’s told me something she hasn’t told me. She’s nearly understanding that one 🤦‍♀️ And you know, the classic colour of something argument (it’s purple- she’s wrong).  

Anyway. I forgot my point. Oh yeah, everything’s easier with her. I feel comfortable. If i’m being totally honest… i’m pretty sure if I ask her out, she’ll say yes. Like 80% sure. Im just scared to fuck this up, and cause family problems. Cause yeah, she’s worth the drama, but also, it’s her that’ll be being insulted right? She very likely won’t be allowed in my house. I don’t want this to ruin what we already have. 

So yeah. That. I could really do with some advice ❤️

Hi <3

If you do not ask this girl out, I will physically pass away.

Like...I'm not usually so pushy with asks, but you're describing a relationship, hon. This is a relationship. I'm not sure if you follow me because of the Marauders, but you two are literally Wolfstar, And I'm shipping the two of you so hard right now.

If, for some insane reason, she turns you down, it's because she doesn't realize she's in love with you, too.

As far as your family...again, I'm going to be more blunt that usual. You're going to have to face their lack of acceptance for you at some point. It's absolutely shit that they don't accept you, but like...don't let that stop you from being with this girl. Because even if you put off their feelings now, you'll have to deal with it someday, and then you might miss out on an amazing girl.

Please update me. I need updates. I am so invested. I am DYING for updates.

God, I'm rereading all the things you wrote and I'm kicking and giggling. You two are ridiculously adorable. Please kiss her already (with consent).

I'm naming you purple anon. Please write back.

#ask #asks #ask cas #purple anon

[zeno-zero]

Avatar Roku rant/rambles:

I love him, I love him in such an insane amount. Had me on chokehold since 10 years old like goodness me! What the fuck H-E-🏑🏑 !!

Nobody understood his character and that would've been greatly fine with me but the amount of mischaracterizations, misinterepations, and wishes that he's more like Kyoshi has always made me upset. Roku is a good man whose position as an avatar is poor in terms of writing and expanding his story further.

Roku outside of being Aang's mentor and guide - he was nothing more than just being kindhearted, wise, and pleasant while also acknowledging his indecisiveness, and faults. He even has a flawed perspective on the four nations, that the four nations should always be remained seperated, and still. Yet, I still continue to adore him a LOT. He have so much potential, there are rooms that people could always explore his character than just on the surface/visual level. His airbending and waterbending teachers weren't even named in the late 2010's until some informations were finally out !!

The gene yang comics are not my cup of tea but Roku telling Aang that he should end Zuko's life because he couldn't bare the thought of seeing Sozin? WOW. His friendship with Sozin has always mean something to Roku - so much so, he trusted him to the point it was his downfall. The thought of Sozin's redemption after he left him with the rubble is definitely what Roku had in his mind. But we're talking about the conflict between the Avatar and the Fire Lord, never Roku and Sozin.

His bending abilities are fucking awesome too !! Destroyed an entire palace with airbending + avatar state alone? Created a massive wave in one single move that sent his teacher flying up all the way on top of the chief's palace? He can even be quiet and and silently burrow to the ground to suprise attack enemies with earthbending? Lets not forget that the entire island that Roku was in used to be a huge one until he cut it into a cresent island !! There used to be two super volcanoes !! There's only one remaining !! His firebending shown on the show is also interesting! His fire made Zhao's crew literally run away while incinerating thd metal chains that Katara, Sokka, Shyu, and Zuko were wrapped around with,, unharmed. Him simultaneously bending all four elements at once without the use of the avatar state? Gosh,, people underestimate him sooooo much !!

"But Roku died to a volcano! He should've evacuated-" He was minimizing the effects of it! He died as a hero in that night because no other people held power his power just like he has. The citizens and his wife would've died if it weren't for him, because while it isn't explicitly explained in his wiki and show -  Lava entering the ocean creates a distinctive set of hazards that have seriously injured or killed unsuspecting people eager to see up close the interaction of hot lava and cool seawater. As hot lava boils cool seawater, a series of chemical and physical reactions create a mixture of condensed, acidic steam, hydrochloric acid gas, and tiny shards of volcanic glass. Blown by wind, this plume creates a noticeable downwind haze, known as "laze" (short for lava haze) <- [From "Lava entering ocean" | U.S Geological Survey - USGS.gov] ||And to also answer the dragon part that died with him? I have no answer for that other than the plot has to move on /or the dragon relies on his orders, and to Roku's dying breath, he would rather stay with him.

And nobody talks about how painful and traumatizing Roku's death is - pyroclastic flow is apart of volcano, he either died burning alive, suffocated, or even buried alive! On the margins of pyroclastic flows, death and serious injury to people and animals may result from burns and inhalation of hot ash and gases. Archaeologists have found that some people perished in a pyroclastic surge, a wave of superheated gas and hot ash that literally boiled their blood and caused their skulls to explode, reports Neel V. Patel at Popular Science. <- [Pyroclastic Flows move fast and destroying everything in their path" | U.S Geological survey] AND ["Mount Vesuvius Boiled Its Victims’ Blood and Caused Their Skulls to Explode" by Jason Delay]

But in a summary, I love Roku and I would die to honor his name. Thank you for reading through all of this. Love you guys !! /platonically 

#additional notes: #before I even post this #some of the people I talked in the discord server #has point out the emotional connection between Fang and Roku #thank you for making me cry /pos #atla #avatar: the last airbender #avatar the last airbender #avatar roku #roku

[feline-evil]

Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.

#metalocalypse #jay talkin #I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level #for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda #changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is #don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men #his transness wouldnt change that #only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically. #Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band #is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name; #over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had #he becomes more caring more supportive #it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind #and learns how to be a kinder man. #all of which have no contradictions with him being trans! #In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences #i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways #to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring. #Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL. #at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it #so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine #i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt #but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues #and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does #again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol #AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans #do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model #I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA

[leverage-ot3]

got my rib tattoo fixed. never getting a colored rib tattoo again fuck dear god that hurt like fuck

#dear god that hurt so fucking much way more than when I got it first done #the color HURT #at first I was fine but by the end I was squeezing my roommates hand so hard like SO HARD #I was groaning a bit and yelping and saying ow it was NOT fun #do it for the aesthetic #I actually got the tattoo at the same place like four years ago l #I actually got that original and my first tattoo like four years ago and it was kinda a shit show #I said I was fine with any of the people and then the guy that they gave me barely spoke english so I couldn’t communicate with him #and tell him what I wanted and he didn’t go deep enough I think #and I’ve been sad and kinda salty for years and never would have went back but my roommate got a piercing there and I told them about it #and they said they would fix it for free!!! AND THEY DID!!! #but it hurt sooooooooo bad #like SOOOOOOOO BAD #not leverage #jackie talks #about me #mine

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

#delete later #i have three medical appointments in the work day in the next three weeks #one on Thursday then two mid/late January and i know that its good bc i need these appointments but i get so #anxious that ppl ay work are mad at me for having so many #im also scared about thirsdays one bc its for my ankle and hand pain and ironically the hand is way better and the ankle is also #more stable. something clicked again a couple days ago and fixed the pain in half of ky foot. no idea what happened there but #the click itself hirt like a bitch which is new. most of my pain doesnt start with a click and most clicks are painless #so fun #im just in a permanent state of being afraid i wont be taken seriously. my physio wanted a scan on my foot so om gonna #relay that but like idk what theyre gonna say. also if they do want to swnd me for a scan that's gpnna be ANOTHER appointment #so fuck me i guess. at the very leasy its not like severe psin any more so they wont send me to a and e for an x ray like they did #with my hip that one time. that would fucking suck to explain tp my manager #hey julia im fine but ive been sent ro rhe hospital for a scan so i guess ill be back when im back? #fuck me im anxious. and i hace so much apprenticeship work tp do i want to scream #also was distracted by my aching hands bc often they just ache abd successfully triggered myself so bow time to play what #is actual acge and what is remembered ache oh joy #one of the other appointments is gender clinic appointment abd im hoping to get referred for top surgery now ive been on t #for 9 months. waiting list gonna be like four fucking years but debating saving like mad abd going private bc jesus Christ #i cant bind bc of sensory problems and constantly aching ribs and last time i taped i ripped chunks of skin off so kinda #think i shouldn't do that again but like it sucks. not as bad now that my voice is dropping abd shit but still not fun #we'll see!

[konstantya]

Me: I will just take a little nap! Maybe 20 minutes?

My inability to sleep the last three nights: Nah, bitch, you’re going out for a WHOLE HOUR.

#i really can't complain considering how little sleep i've been getting at night pfft #i'm fine i think it's just general excitement mixed with it being a rough time of year #not easter-related but easter just happens to fall really close to Rough Anniversary this year #even Rough Anniversary is pretty okay if we're being honest but i've noticed my body gets...weird #grief is weird guys #not least because it sometimes manifests more physically than mentally/emotionally #(flashback to four years ago when i basically slept for two days straight and had full fucking body aches and was like #''is this grief or is it covid???'' spoiler alert: it was grief lololol) #personal

[solarisposting]

screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!

#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite #the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life! #and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were #near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!! #i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and #have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and #are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without #realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time! #i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you #and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day #knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit #that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020 #but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will #i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had #and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty #but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger. #and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now. #guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!! #HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON! #ann with an ie #<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again

[girlwiththegreenhat]

tell me you've never had to use skype without telling me you've never had to use skype: you complain about discord

#liz blogs #what am i doing that i am actually completely 100% ok with the way discord runs right now and what they have behind paywalls #what am i doing that other people seem to not be doing that they get frustrated #i hate corporations more than the next guy but they do. still have to make money. to Function #its just bad when the app barely functions Without giving it money #its the difference between having a basic car and having four wheels 1 seat and a steering wheel. only the latter is bad #but the vanilla discord experience is... just fine?? you're not losing out on any Necessary features without it #it's Nice having custom colors and profile themes and funny icons but you don't Need them #the objectively best feature of nitro is the emojis and i am fine shelling out $30 A Year to use them where and however i want #in the basic nitro tier because i cannot fathom how much money it must cost #to run discord and host the insane amount of data it does. can you even Comprehend the sheer Size of what it stores #it is in fact the Only subscription to Anything i currently have #i think the 'fuck corporations fuck capitalism' attitude is Excellent but i think when most people Cannot think critically at all #everything is just black/white to them and they see Any service trying to make money as Bad and start screaming about it #tumblr and discord are on my very short list of services that i am actually very happy with and fine letting them make money #i feel strange watching the internet turn on discord the last couple years. it's still the same app. nothing has changed #literally trying to encorporate n//fts and AI is the only real Shit Move i can think they've ever made and to be fair #like every fucking company is jumping on that right now out of ignorance and not malice #nitro is not the problem though 🥴 are y'all ok #yes i saw people pissing and shitting their pants about discord giving nitro users more themes and thought they were insane #dark mode/light mode is just fine for basic functionality. you dont Need colors. shut up and go burn down an amazon warehouse instead

[duelistkingdom]

just saw someone remark “where is the botw team” and like. they’re taking ten years to make another zelda game and like… as it should be! game devs in franchises SHOULD take ten years to make each installment, they should be paid 100k a year, and they should work only five hours a day on it god bless!

#nintendo catching strays from tpc like they didn’t loan our entire dev teams to them #tpc is demanding yearly releases which was Fine when they were doing remakes on the same engines #but now they’re having to build an entirely new engine for a CONSOLE which historically was NOT their team’s wheelhouse #the jump to console was something gf devs were CLEARLY unprepared for #and they had barely like what four years of development for swsh? #let’s go was like two years which was just a kanto remake and i don’t blame the devs for not doing more than a paint by numbers with that #idk i think the first open world pokémon should’ve had more dev time than two years :) #and it’s only going to get worse as long as people keep fucking buying it launch day

[starbuck]

love understanding myself, but gently… not in the harsh, judgmental, over-analytical way i did as a teenager… just being like “oh huh, my enjoyment of this and my enjoyment of that actually have the same root if you trace it back far enough… isn’t that something?” it’s fun! i sure am a Little Creacher.

#would NOT trust 16 y/o me with these revelations… #they were NOT ready for all this… #but i’m ready now and i’m really enjoying myself!! #the fact that that REALLY weird thing i’ve been into since i was like four years old is probably connected to my fascination with sacrifice #is just like HUH… #yeah. ig that tracks!! #what actually *IS* their common origin point tho?? i’d love to know! though i’m sure i never will… #it has been lost to time!! #but that’s okay! it’s just interesting to think of it as the same thought process… the same division… #idk if i *want* more people to be into the weird thing or if i’m glad i don’t know of anyone but me 😂😂 #SOMEDAY i will explain it to someone bc i honestly am curious if there’s anyone else out there like me #my one friend i did tell it do initially told me it wasn’t weird but has since conceded that she doesn’t know anyone who thinks about #it the way i do #and she’s very active in the sorts of communities where i would expect it to pop up so i do think it’s legitimately unusual #which is *fine* but also like. Hm. #it’s weird to be that it’s just me #it’s SO appealing to me that it’s like No. that can’t be right… surely other people must see this too?? #haha idk #i’m extremely fucking tired i am falling asleep typing this #GOODNIGHT MY LOVES I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[running-in-the-dark]

man it really sucks having stupid idiotic thoughts in my head and not being able to write them down on paper, I'd probably be writing like 10 pages of bullshit in my diary right now if I could

I hate vertigo, I hate being dizzy, I just want to feel okay again ugggh

#literally I had like.. a couple weeks of feeling ok. #in the past FOUR FUCKING YEARS #it was fine! #and now it's not! this is SO much worse than being in pain! at least when the pain isn't too bad I can distract myself and DO things! #but everything I do just makes this so much worse!!! #so I'm frustrated because of that so I want to write it down but I can't because that makes it worse and thhst makes me more frustrated and #UGH #I can't even go outside! (not right now it's the middle of the night. I mean in general) because I can't fucking walk because I'm too #fucking dizzy #it's gotten worse #I hate it #also my leg has been twitching for like 2 hours and I think all of that is driving me insane #it would be funny if this finally did it #like I've been through so much shit in my life. everything fucking sucks. I watched my dad die. I don't feel like a real human being. my #brain is a piece of shit. my body has been getting worse for years. #but the thing that is finally just too much. after all of that. is being dizzy. okay cool #but no I've been dizzy regularly for years it's the fucking constant up and down up and down of everything around me. all day and all night #it fucking wakes me up at night #oksx enough whining typing makes it worse too so i'm gonna go watch movies while losing my mind

[unnamed-atlas]

Going to hunt Evan Santiago for sport over the Stan Fredrick April Fools joke actually <3

#/J #but also oh my god 😭 #it was the first notification i got upon waking up. completely forgot the date #i was so ready to fucking believe that shit actually I thought the universe had sent down a gift to me specifically this fine Saturday #cause he's pulled shit like this before with the fourth season!!!!! that shit came four years after the series ended with no warning!!! #i seriously thought i was about to have to wait three years for the slenderverse collab of a life time #and then i woke up abit more and took a moment to read the description 💀

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

other movies i watched in high school because my mom told me to: shakespeare in love, the pianist, sex lies and videotape, midnight cowboy, o brother where art thou, dude where's my car

#my mom fucking loves dude where's my car idk why #she thinks it's just the funniest thing #this list excludes movies we watched together for the first time #which rly ran the gamut depending on Mood and also whether my brother was joining us #like two that i have memories of watching are #orange county a teen comedy about college admissions (?) starring colin hanks #and million dollar baby #which i was surprised at the time to really love even though i'd thought mystic river was total shit #also i think shakespeare in love might have been technically middle school #i feel like i remember her being like #'it's rated R for a sex scene but it's not that intense you'll be fine' #the list of books i read as a 19 year old taking a year off college bc my mom told me to is like #even more insufferable if you can believe it #it's like. the unbearable lightness of being #some martin amis book i barely remember #four don delillo novels but none of the really famous ones #(that was partly on me. altho owning the entire works of don delillo was on her.) #terry eagleton's overview of the history of literary theory

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Moving! Moving in two months! Working on moving when I was literally doing this shit exactly a year ago! *SCREAM*

#so im actually feeling so good and normal about this #im feeling so so cool about getting rid of a bunch of my belongings #asking my roommate if she wants them. then listing them on marketplace. or donsting them #i love deciding whoch of my belongings are important enough to go with me back to my hometown #whoch ones are worth the trouble of weathering the 18 hour move #i just got unpacked (never even fully unpacked tbh) and now im packing up again #i just got done buying furniture again. i have a bed frame now #i had to get rid of a lot during the last move because i couodnt afford a uhaul so i just packed it all in my van #and whatever didnt fit didnt go. now my dad is bringing a uhaul trailer #so i dont have to get rid of as much. but still some. theres a lot of clutter #but i think generated clutter is a sign of a home #idk im just feeling so weird because last May i moved. and now this May im moving again #ive only spent a year here. and im not sad to leave. this city isnt right for me. its just weird #i think moving kills a part of your soul and i dont mean that poetically i mean i feel like dying rn #moving is so fucking stressful and i just super don't like it #'but austyn if you dont like movong then why have you never spent more than 1.5 years in the same place #for the last four years?' stfu i didnt ask for this #its worse because im moving back in with my parents into my childhood home. which is gonna be super great for ny mental health #but on the bright side ill be able to see my old psychiatrist and therapist again! had to srop when i moved halfway across the country #its fine. its all gonns be fine #my sibling and i just did a lot of cleaning and decluttering and listing shit on marketplace today #it killed a little bit of my soul i think

[exopelagic]

once again facing unstoppable force (anxiety-driven need to finish my work) vs immovable object (brain doesn’t wanna do anything but think abt little gay people)

#solution: write tumblr post #I JUST figured out a fix to my plot problem in this story I’ve been thinking abt #and I rlly rlly badly wanna start fleshing out these characters bc this is the story I’ve been most excited abt in a long time #it’s also combining a bunch of elements I’ve been playing with for a long time but never fit #and I am obsessed with all of the character concepts I have rn. there are 4 and this caters DIRECTLY to me #I’m getting much better at crushing the anxiety spikes that are uh. like. vaguely scrupulously ig that kept me from making things do ages #in favour of going hard on self indulgence and I’m having a great time #scrupulosity* as in i worry incessantly abt readings and sociopolitical implications until I’m just exhausted by the concept and drop it #sometimes you can just have fun luke it’s okay #but yeah I am!! and I wanna draw them all and do more stuff but #I have THIS FUCKING LECTURE. most boring frustrating man alive hislectures SHOULD BE GOOD but he SUCKS #he cannot get to the point and takes so many detours which are COOL but he’s so pretentious about it his lectures are PAINFUL #I get headaches within a few minutes of listening to him talk this hasn’t happened since I was sleep deprived in the v basic first year 9ams #and I’m on the last one. out of four. I have half an hour left. but this half an hour is insurmountable #and I gotta finish it bc I have so much other stuff to do (only two more lectures (better)!!! but also coursework now #which is easier!! and I know how to do both of them but it’ll take a chunk of time and I’m committed to getting it done by end of next week #okay. okay fine. I will watch this dumb fucking lecture and it will hurt #but once it’s done I will literally never have to listen to him talk again this is it forever. one last stretch #and then I can mess w my story while I have food. I can do this. pray for me #luke.txt

[arthur-r]

all my fucking teachers are pitying me though???? like oh my fucking god i thought i wasn’t going to be that person anymore?? are you telling me that mental illness and physical illness and access concerns and low energy and motivation don’t go away when you move four hours away from home????

#my fucking linguistics teacher. is such a good person but i feel so fucking awful and hopeless #he emailed my academic advisor!!!! what is that supposed to mean he thinks i can’t do it #i missed class on wednesday because i was having combination flare-up and panic attack (where i feel sick and it makes me anxious and the #anxiety makes me sick and it keeps going in this evil cycle and i can’t make it stop) #everyone is out here four weeks into the semester saying ‘‘this isn’t like you’’ maybe it is though???? #‘if my very existence is so fragile that i can only hold onto it three months out of the year am i allowed to make it define me?? #am i allowed to say i’m not myself right now or is this the most myself i’ve ever been? #if i only look like myself from the right angle in the right lighting with the right frame of mind / maybe myself is not my self after all’’ #^ shitty poetry i wrote in fucking 2020. here i am again. it just keeps coming back!!!! #i feel sick. every second i spend trying not to be so desperate and alone just leads to more lonely desperation just later?? #you can’t just fill emptiness with limited human connection and expect it to stay filled when they leave???? unthinkable #why is my teacher saying my fucking name???? why is my teacher saying my fucking name i’m not fucking broken #like i feel like they’re putting me on suicide watch when i didn’t fucking do anything. oh my god there’s room inspection today #i’m in my bed sobbing there’s going to be fucking room inspection today #that’s fine. that will be fine. i’m going to class soon anyway. i dont know. it’s just. like everyone is trying to make me feel seen #but i don’t WANT to be seen i want it not to MATTER i don’t want to be identified as struggling!!!! #because first and foremost this is an issue of failing my classes. and i want to look away and pretend that’s not true #and everyone is watching me struggle and sending kind heartfelt messages. saying i just seem sad and distant #but im NOT and i WASNT and they don’t understand that i’m just fucking like this!!!! i’m not failing because i’m depressed i wasnt depressed #until i started failing. they think that if i can push away the feelings there’s a functional human being underneath #‘​‘i found you on the floor like you wanted to / now i thought you wanted more is this all that you could be????’’ #im so caught on how he was using my name. what the fuck is that about. it wasn’t in a normal way it was apposition. it was manufactured #‘​‘sorry you’ve been under the weather [comma] arthur [comma] but glad you’ll be in class. just let me know if i can help’’ #i dont know. am i the only person who feels like it’s talking-to-depressed-people-101?? Remember To Make Them Feel Human. Give Them Identity #Say Their Name so they know anybody fucking cares. i know i sound fucking insane right now i’m sorry #my only real friend here is out of town this weekend. i just feel lonely and isolated with no way to break out of it #crazy idea you guys ​maybe i shouldn’t be in the fucking honors program if i’m like this already. four fucking weeks in #i dont know. i just feel really upset and strange and broken and everywhere at once. i hope everyone is okay #vent cw #friends only