i like the things my programming textbook likes to say for explaining the concepts
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things about today (some good some bad)
i’m doing an open mic which i’m excited for but also nervous for, but mostly excited. four college friends will be coming to see me!!!! which makes me sort of nervous, but also sort of excited. those are the two emotions shdhdf. i’m going to play “good boy!” (my dog song) and “overloaded” (my autistically traumatized song) because those are the ones that my little sister said i should pick. and she made a good decision. anyway i’m a bit anxious about it but it should be good.
my ten page paper? IT’S DOUBLE SPACED. which means what i thought was not even half done, is basically finished. there’s still a lot to add, but everything is gonna be okay. i can finally go to sleep before 1 tonight!!!!
i have programming homework to do which feels stupid and stressful and unnecessary. i’m ready to be done with this class. i don’t want to never use my java knowledge again, but i also don’t want to be in school for it anymore!! which means i’ll never really have a good enough grasp on it to use it again.
i feel sick maybe?? i can’t really tell, i showered today and i didn’t sleep well last night and i walked home from class instead of taking the bus, so it makes sense to not be feeling well. but i’m nervous of if it lasts.
i’m moving out really soon now. i’m turning eighteen really soon now!!!! i’m taking a lot of finals really soon now. there’s a lot going on. but there’s thirteen days left before we move out from school (according to somebody else i didn’t fact check her and we might be leaving on different days) and that’s not a lot of days. and i’m turning eighteen on saturday. which means i have a meeting for testosterone on tuesday!!!! and i have a lot of papers and projects to do in the meantime.
i have one presentation that i haven’t started on even a little bit. which is the first thing to turn in as part of a whole entire research project that i haven’t started on even a little bit. i just haven’t researched it at all. there’s still time to turn around and say it’s about peter mark roget but i’m not gonna. cause that would be cheating and it would be harder in the long run cause i’d care too much about making it good. so i’m doing a stupid project about a binder full of asexual awareness and culture that they have at my school’s queer people center, that nobody knows about and i’m one of the only people who has read it, and my teacher will think that’s so compelling and interesting and it won’t matter that i have no information about its history because material culture is a mysterious field where you don’t actually need to know anything if you don’t want to. history is optional i just need to look at it.
i still have a really awful stomachache. i don’t want to be done with school because i love it a lot, but i also want to be done with school because it makes me anxious and sick and buried in tasks and i’m so tired. but i’m going to be so upset to go home too. but i’ll have more time to actually be around and talk to my friends, and that’s gonna be really good.
i’m worried about my little sister, and i don’t know how to help her. and i shouldn’t share a lot of details in actual public, even though just my friends are gonna see this. but she’s been acting out in actually really scary ways and i’m worried for what she’s going through. so it will be good to be home and be able to really talk to her. and i miss her.
i just have this awful chest pain and the feeling that i call there-is-nothing-behind-these-eyes. sleeping will help i hope. it’s making it difficult to get my programming homework done. i have an hour before i have to leave for the open mic, i can do this.
also here are my assignments left: regular programming homework due tonight, latin test tomorrow morning, programming big scary lab due tomorrow night, material culture presentation on friday (and i have work), programming test on saturday (which is also my birthday and i also have work), then a little break from deadlines (there’s normal homework but i don’t feel like counting it, and also more work) and then material culture paper due friday the 3rd (when all my classes will finish also, and also i have work), latin final that sunday, programming final on monday, my mom gets here on monday (after i have work) and we pack up and everything and then i go home on tuesday. and then on that friday my most important of all of my final will be due my history research paper. turned in online. then i will have no school until sometime in june i think!!!! and that will just be online too.
anyway i have a stomachache and my brain hurts but everything will be fine. i’m making it through. i’m finishing my programming, and i’m going to an open mic, and i’m coming home and i’m going to sleep. and tomorrow i’ll start my research due friday. and that’s fine and normal and i’ll be fine.
sorry for just throwing words around, i hope everybody is doing well. i’m gonna try drinking water and maybe that will fix me. and i’ll be around again later maybe. i’m gonna make it through this school year!!!! and i’m gonna sleep for a really long time.
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ALSO okay i’m sorry i’m being such a mess i’m in a weird combination of like anxious mania and also genuine delight from being out in the sunlight but ALSO crushing fatigue from being out in the sunlight and to top it all off i’m heavily procrastinating a ten page research paper i have to write. BUT if anyone wants to befriend me on an astrology social media (a very compelling offer i know shdhdf. i’m so sorry cause i’m secretly a horoscope lover like i have only been getting through it lately because of what the stars are purportedly promising to me) there’s this app it’s called costar and it makes like group horoscopes for you and your friends and it gives you a personal daily outlook too and it’s just kind of my favorite thing. so if anyone wants to put blind faith in an algorithmically calculated star chart. i know i’m selling it so well. it’s just kind of my favorite and i would love to have my friends on there if anybody is down. cause i swear it’s like. actually genius and so reassuring at times. i don’t have the energy to make my own meaning lately so i’ve been outsourcing it and it’s been working out great actually
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also this. what if we stop spinning and what if we’re just flat and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch? and what if i’m an angel!! and what if i’m a bore!!!! and what if i was confident would you just hate me more????
lyrics: i went and walked myself like a dog without a leash / now i’m growling at a stranger, i am biting at their knees / if i wanted it, you really think i’d wait for the permission / for protection and assurances that all would be delivered / like our fathers did, our mothers did, and them and those before / you say you want a difference, your honor to be yours / like our fathers did, our mothers did, and them and those before / the echo and a retell of some shit we heard before / and what if we stop spinning, and what if we’re just flat / and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch / and what if i’m an angel, and what if i’m a bore / and what if i was confident, would you just hate me more!!!! / oh, i’ve got heaven inside of me / and oh, i’m an angel, i was sent here to keep you company / i’m on an endless march of nothingness with breath inside my chest / and the promise of a life that you deserved, that you thought best / i’m stuck inside my loneliness, i’m stuck inside my grief / i wish i could have been there to save you from the reach / i am spiteful like a god, take out vengeance like the rest / for what they did to you, i will never lay to rest / it’s raw and unrelenting, it is absolute regression / it is vileness wrapped up and disguised as happy endings / oh, i’ve got heaven inside of me / and oh, i’m an angel, i was sent here to keep you company / i’m stuck inside my loneliness, i’m stuck inside my grief / i wish i could have been there to save you from the reach / i am spiteful like a god, take out vengeance like the rest / for what they did to you, i will never lay to rest / i go and walk myself outside, a dog without a leash / now i’m growling at a stranger, i am biting at their knees!!!!
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lyrics: all my mistakes are a work of art / love letters aimed straight for the heart / should i let them / teach me how to fall apart / it gets better when you get on top and show me how it works / i could never be your kind of flirt / tell me that you’re falling out of love / cause i could never be your kind of drug / love me til the morning cause it hurts to be the one that’s headed for the / curb your appetite and drink your tea with herbs / helps if you just believe it does / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / sick of sitting pretty in my pearls / thinking i could ever be your girl / do you even notice when i’m gone? / the thought of you, it keeps me up til dawn / waiting, wishing, wanting for your love / but don’t think i could ever be enough / to satisfy your raging taste for blood / but maybe that’s just the way we love / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / i’ve been waiting so long for someone like you to come / i thought i’d found the answer to all of my lonely nights / coming down, have i reached the ground?have i reached the ground? have i reached the ground?
i’m obsessed with this song rn listening to it on repeat so just thought i’d share
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