#this is why i’m thinking about it by the way shdhdf

[arthur-r]

lyrics: i’m a silly stupid angel, smile sweetly as you watch / and my wings are frail and brittle, and i whisper when i talk / please don’t remind me of the role i’m here to play / please god forgive me for the things that i can’t say / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / i’m your soulmate in denial, self esteem gets in the way / and i’m just a little child who won’t live to see the day / when i’m regarded as a human being too / but all your lies just start to blend into my truth / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / don’t try to tell me i’m not happy / don’t try to tell me this is wrong / don’t try to tell me that i’m broken / cause by now i’m too far gone / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment

#hi i have a very important linguistics paper due in seven hours but i am distracting myself by playing vent music #inspired by: i typed out a long tagful of venting on wednesday night and then realized it was dumb to post it but it included the words #‘​‘tomorrow i will smile like a silly stupid angel’’ and so then the next day which is yesterday when i was once again anxious #then i wrote that part into a song. and now my roommate finally left the room for long enough that i could record it. very roughly #one of those songs where i need to get to a piano and figure out what the real chords are. but here it is for now #anyway this is about suppressing yourself in order to be more easily objectified!!!! because you feel like that’s your innate purpose #the deeper meaning of your life perhaps. the person you need to actualize. that is why i wrote this song #something something i don’t actually think this wrote this during an anxiety attack etc. me when it’s 2 in the morning on a wednesday night #and i have a midterm in the morning but i’m too busy sobbing to either study or sleep. college!! so much fun!!!! #anyways. i’m normal now basically. aside from extremely important paper due seven hours from now #but here is a song right now. i feel like a lot of us are struggling in the same boat #and i definitely am. PS this is not even about my relationship that im in right now. which is good shdhdf that would be an awful start #it’s literally so inapplicable to my current relationship. but i am just still insane. and so i am still upset and afraid. so yeah #anyway i’m in a little bit of a weird way i’m sorry for speaking weird and whatever. looking forward to dinner i think #i hope everyone is doing well. and let me know if you need anything #sending love from depression dorm room. and hope everyone is holding it together okay #me. my post. mine. #delete later #ask to tag

[arthur-r]

need to poll my friends, does anybody drink black coffee like just coffee from inside of a coffee pot and you don’t put anything in it?

#haven’t tried black coffee since i was like ten and i hated it then and now i have mixed feelings #the biggest problem was that it is way too warm i am all burnt up now #that’s what milk is for really is just to drown out the heat turn it into a regular temperature beverage #anyway it tastes well enough and i guess the point of black coffee is it gets the job done #that being said caffeine usually makes me feel unwell so don’t ask me why i went for it today #pro tip if you don’t want to aggravate somebody’s heart problems don’t pour coffee near them when they’re sleeping #(‘‘sleeping’’ what i mean is eyes closed head on desk still perceiving things. not strong enough to wake me up from a dream or anything) #anyway if you pour coffee near me and i’m currently tired out of my mind i’m gonna ask to have some there’s no way around it #so um not my fault i was aided and abetted and i play no role in my own destruction #anyway i’m also feeling entirely fine shdhdf i’m nearly convinced it’s been a chocolate allergy this whole time #and if i stop drinking mochas then i’ll stop reacting cause it’s not the caffeine that’s the problem. we’ll find out soon #anyway who drinks this. do my friends drink this?? do my friends have tips on how to drink this #for example how do you make it not be warm but also not be filled up with milk #do you just blow on it. like an old man in a fable about a satyr who thinks humans are the strangest creatures #the taste is kind of epic honestly like it’s not good but it’s kind of good #at the very least it makes me feel like an old academic #anyway hi it’s senior skip day and i’m playing the system by showing up at the school building and skipping from here #shdhdf i’m gonna go to class from here on out though. just had to skip physics cause i never did the essay and i’m afraid of confrontation #that’s also not my fault because who assigns an essay in physics class???? i dont know this stuff well enough to write about it?? #although of course that’s the point of assigning an essay is to see if we know everything well enough to write about it shdhdf #so anyway i’m here to ask my friends who drink black coffee (if there are any) what do you do to help it cross the line to just being good? #cause right now it’s like good in several ways but it’s too warm and it tastes a little bit silly. i need pro tips for college #cause honestly i love the taste of coffee and like i said the chocolate might be the problem so i’m turning away from mochas #probably they’re both a problem. but let’s say i start drinking decaf black coffee. what do i do to make it incredible. please and thanks #shdhdf mostly i’m just checking in though. how is everybody? i really hope you are doing well!!!! #i’ll be around for a bit then heading to humanities class eventually i can’t skip on the teacher who invited me to her book club #also like. lunch. and like i said i have integrity now. gonna go to the rest of my classes #but so anyway i hope everybody is doing well!!!! let me know if you need anything!! listen to corrections by poolboy if you feel like it!! #me. my post. mine. #alright this is my last tag but i’ll be around. hope you are well and let me know!!

[arthur-r]

i ran out of storage while drawing this so i had to add the white parts in markup and call the rest of it good but this is “self portrait with future beard and pending scar” and i drew it after surgery this morning

#the outfit is stuff i have in real life and so is the scar except it’s not a scar yet it’s a wound #that’s what my mom keeps on telling me when i say wow this is such a cool scar #which is what i say to not terrify myself about how i might always have this scar #anyway if i had still been in ibispaint for the end of this i would’ve added some bright light behind me #because that’s what i was planning on but then i ran out of storage #anyway hi i did the surgery this morning and it went good the IV hurt and the anesthesia was scary but everything else was good #anyway i was gonna fix the shape when i was still in ibispaint but i would need 250 megabytes of storage and i don’t have it :( #so markup is all i have now shdhdf i can’t erase i can only draw on top #which is mostly how i draw anyway but still #anyway the surgery to make my face look regular again all the way would cost money and not insurance at all #so unless it heals really good on it’s own i might look like this forever #so i started thinking about forever and i reassured myself by adding a beard to the picture. and so. that’s why i drew this shdhdf #anyway i missed my dynamic brush and this was my first time using it in a lot of months and i had missed it shdhdf #idk if this is like. good. to people who aren’t on anesthesia. i will have to find out in the morning #but i wanted to break to you guys that it might never go away. but i did that by drawing instead of a picture #because i get nervous on the internet and especially today #and anyway i hope i still like this in the morning but mostly the point before is i have a scar there now #cause that’s what i had to get to not have a tumor there now. and so it’s better and it’s okay but also makes me nervous #but i’m gonna grow up and it will still be okay and this is scary but the worst dangerous part is over #and this is just maybe what i look like right now and maybe it will heal. but i will just have to find out #me. my post. mine. #my art #delete later

[arthur-r]

on my way to academic advising appointment and i’m so scared. cause like i am NOT good at being a history major, like it’s the most applicable major to my goals i THINK but i’m not like a lyndon b. johnson nerd if that makes sense?? like i’m interested in history on a lot more of a local and personal level, or at the same time a holistic and universal level?? i would do anthropology if it weren’t for not actually fitting anthropology either and hating their classes worse too. i’m looking at minoring in folklore which is kind of getting there, and i’m interested in the history classes my school has to offer but i just kind of know that i’m doing it wrong. like public history classes in curation and presentation aren’t really the point. history of librarianship is supposed to be supplemental to NORMAL history. i want to major in historical identity. i want to major in how history is preserved and engaged with and identified with or rejected. and that’s what a fucking history major is but it’s just not quite right. and i don’t want to talk to some weird old white man about why i’m looking at latin + folklore + queer visual culture + geographic information systems as potentially being my four classes next semester which are NONE OF THEM HISTORY. if i take history next semester it will be history of technology or history of education. WHICH IS FUCKING HISTORY. i guess i just feel so guilty for not actually being that interested in political economy. and like come ON i’m actually so fucking engaged in the real kind of history too, i’ve been studying immigration history and being so fucking invested. i HAVE OPINIONS about lyndon b johnson (i fucking hate that man like thanks for passing civil rights but that’s a bare minimum and he used it as a way to sneak in the permanent existence of an undocumented labor class of latin americans to uphold capitalism through exploitation and fear. so FUCK YOU LBJ) but anyway the point is the intersection of everything i want to do with my life all branches off of history. but it’s just not really that simple. i’m glad i’m at the school i chose and not in colorado but it sure would be handy to be getting a fucking BACHELOR OF INNOVATION in museum studies and heritage management. instead of just hanging around the in-between, taking the most incredible classes but living in the unfortunate reality where they all count for different, tangentially related fields of study. anyway the stupid advisor man is probably a really good guy. i just feel so embarrassed showing up to his office like “yeah i’m studying history. i don’t know what years were the french revolution” you know???? anyway next semester i’ll be taking a class about public folklore (coolest thing in the world) and third level latin, and then maybe something for science breadth, maybe a history class about education or technology or MAYBE the history of the american west, which just might not be very relevant to me if i stay in the midwest shdhdf like i’m so interested in mexican-american history but i’m centralizing pretty heavily in midwestern migrant experiences which are less studied and more personally relevant, and “the west” is mostly like the gold rush and stuff anyway. which i’m supposed to be INTERESTED IN as a history major but i’m not really!!!! and i might take a class about making websites and databases because i want to, and maybe a class about the history of textiles because that’s so fucking cool. but this isn’t what they WANT from me so i’m really anxious. somebody just looked at me weird for walking out of the women’s restroom and it made me think about how the problem is that my academic interests are nonbinary i’m fucking careerqueer or something AKA indecisive and weird and unemployable. but also the coolest in the world. ANYWAY wish me luck and i got this. but spooky scary!!!!

#vent cw #college talk #THIS IS SO STUPID but i just feel like the academic advisor is gonna hate me…. #like it’s FINE this is a bachelor of arts it’s okay to be a weird little humanities kid it’s FINE #i just feel a bit strange. ok appointment in twelve minutes gonna head upstairs wish me luck!! #me. my post. mine. #delete later #long post #PS sorry for being a little strange past few days it’s cause i haven’t been sleeping. will be normal tomorrow if all goes well