#i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is

[arthur-r]

what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets

#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck #the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy #cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it #so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled #i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like #i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is #it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS #and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like #that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts #that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of #the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED?? #and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way #i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps #and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all #ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine #i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be #missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine #and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something #unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!! #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[themeed]

Daily Log 1.30

DW: 181.8

Calories: 2000+

Food: Curry and skyr at 350, pad of butter tbsp sugar at 130, mochi at 600, egg foo young, 5 chocolates at 300, and 2 gluten free oreos at 130. So. 1510 plus half an egg foo young pancake. It was salty, had sprouts, onion, egg, soy, and some kind of binding agent like flour, and half a dinner plate. So. I'm gonna estimate 500 or more and put this as 2000+ for calories.

Exercise: Couple pushups, bit of walking

Notes: I knew this would happen. Increased weight due to salt, and again tomorrow because of excess calories from today. I'm gonna be miserable for a bit having just got UNDER 180 just to tip the scales again. I'm working the next few days so I'll need to scale back under daily intake at 8 or 900, then down to 6 or 7, then 4 or 5, then 300, if I don't want to deregulate fantastically. I'm realizing that I have an issue with trashing food or otherwise putting it away. I'm almost... afraid not to clean my plate, especially if I hit more than halfway through. I was forced to do it so much growing up, and told I was ungrateful because there were starving kids in africa and I wouldn't finish a plate. And as a result I've got this... guilt complex surrounding wasting food, specifically food on my plate. Clearing out fridges and pantries and tossing leftovers I don't have issue with, because they went bad. But it still drives home... I really don't need to make big batches of anything, and I really can afford to get smaller amounts of groceries. Like. I knew that enough that I never but milk products or raw potatoes unless I have it planned in, and even then it's too much and I have to throw out blocks of cheese or half a bottle of milk or most of a bag if potatoes after making a fry and two pots of soup because they're souring or molding. And I wish the pandemic was over, because then I could walk about and find out if there's a nearby donation center that accepts these sorts of things. Gods. Food stresses me out. I resent my mother massively for this. At my grandmother's, we ate what we wanted when we wanted, and she'd only really nag if we hadn't had a protein that day. When it was just dad at home, we'd eat dinner however we pleased, not necessarily at the table, and I could have portions I liked, and toss the leftovers as I needed, knowing Mom would be pissed about our food choices and culture without her around. When did I start eating my feelings to cope with it all??? Middle school? High school??? It wasn't like it was a consistent thing, only when depression hit hard or something traumatic happened. So I guess. It got a lot worse in 7th and 8th and 9th, then on and off through 10th and 11th. And 12th and first semesters of college I just,,, didn't have a proper grasp of portion size or nutrition. Especially with Mom's in and out of dieting fads all the time. I'm getting better. Just. Geez. I'm depressed and upset and I just want to be skinni and healthy and feel good about my body.

#daily log