starbuck

[starbuck]

#the entire theater laughing out loud at this moment was an Experience #mikey and nicky 1976

[starbuck]

“i can’t do this anymore” says a girl who is not only going to do it but do it well

#me this entire semester #soon it will be OVER #and i will NEVER take four classes at once in eight weeks again

[starbuck]

literally got SO worked up about the idea of a wildlife biology internship IN my state that i fucking forgot i’m getting top surgery

#was literally over here trying to decide whether or not i could justify COMPLETELY screwing over my coworkers #literal heel turn of the century to go and band some turkeys #and then i remembered. #i am. having surgery. #i will not be able to move for like a week #this is NOT the summer for banding turkeys #but perhaps next summer! #because it pays better than my fuckin job lol #and it’s WAY more relevant to my desired career path #this was already my plan but it’s exciting to know i’ll likely have more options than i thought! #bc this is the first year they’re doing this so next year should be even more robust hopefully #and then i’ll have the experience i need to 1) apply for grad school and 2) get the Florida job i want in 2026 #long term plans babey! gotta love em!

[starbuck]

all i want in life is to be done with school and have a partner who loves me

#i think everything would be okay then #i cannot have this until like 2028 at the earliest #but that’s not TOO far off when you think about it… #i just want to be loved and checked in on and prioritized #i’m SO good at communication please please please please please #it’ll be better to wait bc then the testosterone will have done better work #and i’ll (HOPEFULLY) be in a more stable place career-wise #but like. i’m so lonely #and i love my friends but they don’t really check in - you know? #it’s not the same

[starbuck]

@ellicler i love how you say “of course” here as though this is self-evidently intuitive when karenin is literally the only man in the book to never express sexual interest in anyone?????

#SCREAMING #i was going to call him the least sexy but that felt too mean considering who i’m comparing him to #(it’s still true - it’s just unkind) #but this is really getting to me… i’m obsessed with this #karenin: *has the fortitude of pudding. cringe fail political career. has probably only fucked once in his life* #russian middle grade schoolers apparently: i want him so bad #russian middle grade schoolers are actually countess lydia ivanovna i think #the fics were all ghostwritten by her #legit this is one of those ‘when you see a character as a clown only to find out the fandom thinks they’re a daddy dom’ moments #i don’t think he’s a clown - but i do think he’s just a sad little guy #WHO is he even fucking in these scenarios????? #the reader???????? #actually that’s how we know the fics WEREN’T written by countess lydia ivanovna #bc she’s the daddy dom in that relationship

[starbuck]

i have a disgusting amount of dreams that just involve me identifying birds like i come out of my dreams with lists of birds that i saw and i was like "i know who that is. Great Blue Heron. Cedar Waxwing"

#me the other night dreaming about seeing a Cape May Warbler in my backyard #which is WEIRD bc the dream as a whole was about hiding a corpse

[starbuck]

and is your shame helpful? is it inspiring goodness and change? or is it keeping you frozen in time unable to move on and be everything you have expanded to be?

#me FINALLY moving past being a hateful cunt when i was 15-18 #like. was it a bad thing? yes of course #but also it was over six years ago now and it’s time to move on #i fucked up and i apologized and that’s all i can do #i’m better now :)) #and i understand MYSELF so much better and how to avoid the same pitfalls in the future

[starbuck]

i find it so sad that cops get to call themselves detectives like r u joking...that's not a detective that's a cop....a detective is a jaunty little person who is strange and eccentric and has a vendetta....perhaps a friend....or two...who helps them out.....perhaps a secret past.....perhaps some old story that haunts them.....and they're gay. they're not cops

#me in my Murder Mystery making it CLEAR i was a non-cop detective #and then simply Not Arresting the murderer at the end #it was fucking great #and so SO easy! #god bless

[starbuck]

#me (24) and my 20 year old coworker #she is so young and i am SO worried for her #but she’s got a good head on her shoulders so i know she’ll be all right

[starbuck]

#i have a little handwritten sticky note on my computer at work that reads ‘that is acceptable. that is life.’ #and - let me tell you - glancing at that has saved me from mouthing off out of frustration SO many fucking times #that note is probably the reason i still have my job #(but it’s also the reason i am determined to eventually leave it)

[starbuck]

well, well, well… the cunt came through again

#like. girl. #first you’re inheriting a house now you’re buying lost manuscripts and hiding them in unmarked cabinets #how about stop doing that and get out of my life???? #listen. this motherfucker. NOT a good person #i have no defense for him #but also i will defend him against weirdos who are just horny for spectacle #y’all are not my comrades - you are freaks #but yeah anyway. he’s one of my people so what can i do? #not a great person but none of the people i study were great people #but yeah i don’t go out of my way to talk about john - everyone else finds reasons to talk to me about him #at least we didn’t discuss his balls today #that guy on the fucking first day hike was something else…

[starbuck]

in an effort to engage with my husbands interests and reconnect with him i will seduce his lover and have an affair with him also

#the obvious solution to all love triangles #(because it causes even MORE drama) #the delicious DELICIOUS drama of being jealous of your spouse’s affair (but you have NO high ground bc you cheated with the person first) #GREAT stuff - yum yum

[starbuck]

watching things with no fandom is so nice, like I'm the only one who thinks about these guys so I'm the only one Right about them and there's no one to contradict me. I'm like the niche fandom tyrant. but also sad because no friend 😕

#me still in the process of writing the first fic EVER for [redacted]… #literally just for me but that’s okay :)) #none of the things i’m into rn are things i would expect there to be a ‘fandom’ for in a traditional sense #but i do wish that there were more people talking about them in a fun and thoughtful sort of way #which like. *I* could be doing instead of vagueposting but :/ #Citizen Kane and Anna Karenina fans rise up i guess??

[starbuck]

#yet again… the fic

[starbuck]

Look, he kissed me with my own blood still on his lips. That’s practically a marriage proposal. 

#THE [REDACTED] FIC I’M WRITING

[starbuck]

the thing is, i know realistically that full time jobs take up a lot of people’s time, but that’s also hard for me to put in perspective while working full time AND doing school AND volunteering a bunch. Like. i very literally have no free time right now and the idea of ONLY working 40 hours a week sounds so luxurious to me… Like. imagine if work (that stayed at work) was my ONLY responsibility… if i could just come home and lounge?? unfair. obscene, even.

#i would be SO much more chill and get sooooo much reading done! #maybe i could even watch a show or something???? #but nooooooooo #gotta work work work all day long #at least i’m getting enough sleep #early bedtimes ARE something i’ve stuck to #could i be getting more done if i stayed up later? sure. #but it’d be lower quality and i’d be even LESS coherent for it #so it’s much better to get the sleep #maybe in 2029 i will know peace… (planning to finish my Master’s degree by 2028 at the latest) #just give me a secure full-time job with benefits and NOTHING ELSE #i’ll keep volunteering as much as i can but like. i just need DOWNTIME… literally ANY would be great #i had 101 assignments due in eight weeks this semester - that is fucking CRIMINAL #LET ME LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE 😭😭

[starbuck]

sorry i overreacted i had no idea everything would be fine

#me allowing undergrad to kill me even though i know it literally doesn’t matter #in about 18 months literally none of this will matter at all but rn i feel like i’m dying