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#all of these are excellent sources of angst if used right
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ok but consider: one of those "soulmate AU" stories except it's a dystopia written from the perspective of a loveless aro
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vampworks · 2 months
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Satisfaction
Loki x Vampire! Reader
MINORS DNI
Word Count: 1.4K
Warnings: Blood, Vampirism, Smut, language, angst
A/n: the first bit of spice I've written and omg I don't know how to feel about it. Anyway, vampires ima right?
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Stalking the halls of the tower, I never felt so lonely until now. The thirst has all but consumed my nights. Sleep had long since been completely off the table as the hunger set in, leaving me with a pair of red eyes and a screaming pit in my core, slowly haunting the same rooms I used to run through with a smile.
Today’s failed mission flashes through my head as I pass the kitchen. Creeping into cabinets and the fridge as I remember the sheer joy ripped away from me as my “meal” escaped. I slammed it shut and heard Steve lecture me on discipline on the jet all over again. It’s like he actually wants me to starve. After all of Bruce’s testing and the grueling rules, my insides seem to rip and tear within me. This was my chance to finally feel even remotely full. All of nothing.
I heard faint snores, hushed voices, and the clink and clang of metal in the lab beneath my feet. One sound rang louder than them all whether it was a blessing and a curse, the soft beat of their hearts. It brought me closer to them most nights. It reminded me that they were all okay.
I found myself silently counting the beats of Bucky's heart on the roof. It was grounding whenever I heard it. His very presence was grounding. He looked at me differently from the rest of the team like he actually understood me. I knew I’d be able to rest with him. The team was still uneasy around me because of my new 'condition' but not him. Im tempted to join him until the sound of a familiar, honeyed voice filled my ears.
"Hello, little bat." He whispered into my ear. "L..Loki," I sighed. He lets out a sly smirk as I shiver. “Out for a late-night snack?" He teased. I can hear his heartbeat slow as he pulls away, but it quickens again when my eyes meet his. “Listen, I won't play games with you tonight. I’m starving and all I can hear in this damn tower is blood rushing through my veins, so please let me just wander around in peace.” I placed my hand on his chest to push him away, but he held it there. His face is void of emotion, but his heart betrays him as it continues to beat rapidly. My eyes trace his sharp features down his face and fall onto his throat. The thought of sucking him dry crossed my mind. Maybe I could play his game this once.
“You’re more like me than you think.” His words brought me out of my trance. “What’s that supposed to mean.” I hissed, and his grip on my hand tightened. “It means, My pet. Neither you nor I will ever be satisfied going on like this.” He cooed. Loki’s other hand traces down my arm, only to rest on my waist. His breath grows heavy and desperate now matching the loud drum of his heart.
I want all of him now. I knew it was the hunger speaking, but I will deal with my own heart’s desires later. I could tell his heart was calling out. Begging for an embrace or at least a source of warmth. He might just be right, satisfaction always seemed just out of reach. A single eternal moment passed before I gained the strength to respond. “What do you suggest we do about that then?” my voice dripping with need as I speak. Loki’s façade of excellence was falling, but the remnants stood fast in his posture and grip on my waist.
Ever the royal gentleman, even in such desperation. He stumbles on his word for only a second before proposing an exchange of warmth. "Genius, is it not?” He stammered. I stifle a laugh “It’s brilliant, Watson.” I tease. His smile was sickeningly sweet, but his dark green eyes begged for something more. I held my breath as I pulled him into me by his collar. "Jump.” He commands. I obey and am pulled into his arms. His heart beats as if it’s a heavy drum threatening to burst through his chest. I waste no time laying kisses upon his lips and down to his throat. The sound that erupts from him is heavenly. “You are mine,” I whisper into his ear. A jolt runs through his body as he takes off into a sprint to his room with me in hand.
In a second, my back falls into his black satin sheets. He quickly crawls on top of me with his left hand, caresses my cheek, and shifts his weight onto his right hand. His knee ever so gently pushed on my inner thigh just to be closer. My own hands wrapped around his neck. My fingers tangle in his long, dark curls. I swear I hear the slightest whimper as my rings tug on a braid within them. Feverish kisses linger as if the next could not come fast enough. His lips, raw with a crimson tint, now begged for me to bite them. My fangs nip at his bottom lip as his left-hand gathers my shirt up my back. The taste isn’t nearly enough, as my senses are clouded by him.
All around me is him. His honeyed voice rings in my ear while his touch burns like fire, despite his skin feeling like ice. My mind fogs as I slip from his grasp and flip him on his back in a single swift motion. I take my seat on his lap, looking into his dark green once more. I find his eyes blown wide, staring back into my red ones as our chests chase our breath in tandem.
“Dammit, every inch of you is breathtaking.” He says in a hoarse tone as his hand takes the purchase of my waist once again. My smile widens and I grind down into him. “God, I say the same for you.” My eyes trail down to his chest as my hands slide up his arms to rest on his shoulders. “Let me be one with you… Please, my love.” He pleads. I can only nod as a whine escapes my throat. “Not quite. Use those pretty words of yours.” He commands, his hand now holding my chin up to meet his gaze. “Fuck...yes, please, I want you.” I pleaded. In a green flash, all the clothes that withhold my warmth from him are gone, leaving only the two of us in a world all our own. “Perfect little dove, all for me.”
Shadows wrapped around my aching body, soothing and teasing anywhere they could reach. They slowly lifted me onto the tip of his length. All that can be heard throughout the room is a string of curses and gasps for air from us both as he sets a ravenous pace beneath me. “Such a beautiful little thing you are, aren’t you.” He rasped. I feel his entire body tremble, and my eyes squeeze as I slam down on him repeatedly. “Good, just like that.” He praises. “Give in to me.” The two of us grew delirious in the thrill of it all as we grew closer to release. "Loki, please” I begin to beg. “Please let me taste you.” My words were barely sensical as my body ached for him. “Oh God Yes, I am yours to devour.” The shadows dissipate as I nuzzle in his chest, and his pace falters as my fangs graze and puncture his skin. I fed from him feverishly as he ruts into me, his grip on my waist is so tight leaving dark red marks in its wake. I moan in pure ecstasy at the taste and feeling.
Time stands still as we reach the very end. A flurry of moans and whimpers ring between us while satisfaction finally sets in. Tears began to fall from my eyes as the hole in my chest filled with warmth. After coming down from the high, Loki begins to unravel the two of us from the sheets. He lays me beside him, only for me to burrow into his chest once again. His arms wrapped around me, and he hummed sweet nothing into my hair.
After a moment, Loki began to lift me into the air. “While I love nothing more than to stay here with you forever, I fear we must shower, my dear.” I only respond with a muffled whine. “My apologies, my sweet. A bath, then? I fear no one is sleeping anymore anyway.”
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faebaex · 2 years
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Eye of the Storm III
author note: our favourite himbo dragon fae is back\(≧▽≦)/now this is instalment is a bit self indulgent, as I’ve been really been struggling with university lately. Special shout out to everyone on the academic pathway, we got this!! I’ve also wanted a chance to explore that one line Lilia says about how time flows differently for fae, and this gave me the perfect excuse!  
Please note that this is a female character.
characters: Malleus Draconia x F!Fae Reader
warnings: angst, academic anxiety 
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“I would hardly call this a ‘neutral location’ Lilia!” 
Here you were, whisper yelling after the man who seemed to be the cause of most of your issues lately. Said man seemed to be absolutely beside himself with glee, barely acknowledging your clear frustration with him, “whatever do you mean, dear F/N?” Lilia didn’t even shorten his step to respond to you, continuing to glide down the corridor of the College’s main building. 
You cursed internally as you picked up your pace to keep up with him. You had a feeling he was doing it on purpose, he had been conveniently avoiding all of your questions since you had enrolled at Night Raven College, citing ‘back to school’ activities that he needed to get in order. Hence why you were now practically chasing him through the main building.
“What do I mean? The dorm is modelled after the castle in Briar Valley! Malleus basically controls the dorm! What part of that is neutral?!” Lilia skidded to a halt at your frustrated words, and you almost walked straight into the back of him. This new, diminutive form he was partial to during his time on campus was definitely taking some time to get used to. Whilst you were only a little bit taller than him, he still radiated an aura that made it seem like he was ten feet taller than you, especially when he flashed that smile that had a hint of condescension in it. Like he was right now. 
“Oh you noticed? I wasn’t sure you would, all things considered. Isn’t it reassuring? A source of familiarity in an unknown place?” Lilia flashed his signature fanged grin your way and you responded with an open glare. 
“Why would that make me feel reassured? I’ve basically been transferred from one foreign castle to another!” 
“Don’t be like that, dear. You have the whole of the college to explore your relationship with Malleus, you needn’t be worried about being simply confined to the dorm.” 
You knew you shouldn’t have trusted this fae. Lilia was always a step ahead. He had manufactured a situation where you felt you were getting some freedom from this bizarre situation whilst simultaneously still making it so they ultimately had the upper hand. Lilia could see the grievance still clear on your expression, so he continued,
“besides, this college is an excellent opportunity for you, F/N. It would do you well to expand your horizons of the world outside of the Sombre Wilds.” You opened your mouth to protest, but Lilia raised a finger to stop you. A habit of his when it came to you. “Not just for yourself, but imagine the wealth of experience you could take back to the Sombre Wilds if you choose to graduate? Even if you choose not to, even a year’s worth of experience at this college would be of great benefit to you and the Sombre Wilds.” 
Lilia placed a hand on your shoulder and gave it a good natured squeeze, his smile free of any of its previous condescension, “stop worrying yourself so much with your current situation with Malleus, and focus on yourself. In the end, what will happen, will happen. Don’t squander a promising opportunity over fears of the unknown.” 
You hated to think it, but Lilia did have a point. You’d never thought of it like that, how you could use this experience to bring benefit back to your home. You continued to ponder this, only for your thoughts to be cut into by Lilia. 
“Speaking of focusing on yourself, you better get a move on, otherwise you’ll be late to class.” You snapped out of your thoughts to catch Lilia gliding away down the corridor, giving you his signature fanged smile. 
Ack! You’d forgotten it was lunch! What class did you even have? Where did you go? Before you could even ask, Lilia had already vanished! 
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You had made it to class just in time. You’d never thought that the endlessly loud shouting of Malleus’ lime green bodyguard would ever come in handy, but hearing him bellowing for you through the campus’ main building had helped you locate him rather easily, for him to usher you to your shared class. You noticed when he wasn’t attempting to be stuck to Malleus’ hip, he’d be stuck to yours by proxy. Whilst he definitely seemed wary of you, he never directed the disdain he launched at most of the school population at you. 
Your first few weeks worth of classes were miserable. It felt like everything was an obstacle in your way. By far the biggest was time. For fae, time is inconsequential, whereas for humans it is fleeting. You could barely keep up with your new fast paced lifestyle. If it wasn’t for Sebek herding you from one class to another, you were sure you’d have missed most of them. 
Next was the classes themselves. Whilst you managed to hold your own in the more physical and practical magic side of the curriculum, you found yourself quickly falling behind on the more academic side. Assignments were starting to pile up, assigned readings were getting longer and longer and yet you felt you didn’t understand the content you had learned in the first week. 
By the end of the week, a lump had formed in your throat that you couldn’t budge. You were hit with a fresh batch of assignments and books to read, and you were overwhelmed. You grit your teeth until your jaw ached to distract yourself from the tell tale burning sensation at your eyes. You wanted to lie to yourself and say it was from the lack of sleep from nights spent trying to catch up, but you knew it wasn’t just that. 
You thought your day couldn’t get any worse as you stumbled through the dorm on your way back to your room, your arms piled high with books and notes. But luck was not in your favour, as you collided with a hard surface as you turned down the corridor, sending you and the contents in your arms tumbling to the floor. 
You sat on the floor, looking at the scattered pages of your notes in defeat. If the ground could swallow you up right now and let you disappear, that would be ideal. What had you even walked into? Was there a door there that you had forgotten? Before you could even venture a glance, a gloved hand came into your view. Your eyes followed up the arm of the offered palm, and locked onto concerned green ones. 
Malleus. 
“Are you alright? I hope I haven’t injured you.” Malleus asked, his voice soft, his concern for you clear as day. You continued to stare dumbly. With how overwhelmed you had been feeling these past few weeks, your situation with Malleus has slipped your mind. This was likely helped by the fact that you hadn’t really seen him since you had arrived, as you shared no classes, but it didn’t explain why you didn’t see him around the dorm. But you had no time to think about that. 
Malleus was starting to look a little dejected as you just stared blankly at his offered hand. But really, Malleus had no idea what he had invoked. The simple act of him asking you if you were alright was the final straw, and had your lip wobbling, tears streaming before you even realised. Malleus retracted his hand as if it had been stung, and a look of panic spread across his face. 
Sobs started to bubble out of your chest before you could stop them, and you pressed a hand to your cheek in a failed attempt to brush away your tears. “I-i’m sorry... I-i...” you tried to choke out through your tears. Your voice snapped Malleus out of his frozen panic, and he was beside you in an instant. His hands hovered, wanting to touch, to help, but awkward and unsure of where to put them. “No, no, there is no need for you to apologise. Tell me where it hurts and I will make it better--”
“I-i hate it here, Malleus!” You all but wailed, the wave of emotion that have built up in you over these past few weeks finally bursting free, “I never know the time, everything is so quick, and I feel like the only one who never knows what is happening! What is wrong with me?” Your voice cracked towards the end of your tearful rant, and you buried your face in your hands in despair. 
It was silent, other than your muffled sobbing into your hands. You hadn’t realised that Malleus had even moved until you felt an arm hook underneath your knees and suddenly you were lifted from the ground and cradled in warmth. You startled at the action, but you didn’t have the time to protest as you suddenly felt magic bloom around you, and you were teleported. 
Before you knew it, you were in a room you weren’t familiar with. Malleus strode with purpose across the room, and soon he sat upon the bed, situating you sideways across his lap. Your protests were silenced again when fingers gently gripped your chin and tilted your face upwards, meeting emerald eyes again. Malleus’ expression was serious as he studied your face as you sniffled, taking in the growing circles beneath your eyes and your paler complexion. 
“You haven’t been sleeping.” He stated neutrally, his eyes sliding up to meet yours, “have you been taking your meals? When was the last time you ate?” You shrank under his gaze, and his serious expression softened. His hand released your chin to cup at your cheek instead, thumb swiping at the tears that still fell down your cheeks. 
“I... Um... I-i think I had something for lunch yesterday but... Time, I-i’m not very good at it and...” You felt your lip begin to shake again as a fresh onslaught of tears blurred your vision, feeling embarrassed at your own inability to master such a simple concept as time. Seeing you becoming agitated again, Malleus shushed you softly, his thumb swiping soothingly across the plane of your cheek. 
“Don’t fret. Time is not something fae worry themselves over. It is understandable that you would be confused in a human dominated environment, where time is of the essence.” Malleus spoke softly, before waving his free hand to conjure a small bowl of fruit, "but you mustn't become distracted from your meals. Here," he offers you the bowl, but you ignore it.
"B-but it's not just one problem!" You cried, unable to shake your grief despite his comfort, "the classes, the assignments, i-i hardly understand them. Most of this I've never heard of before and--" You were cut off be a plump grape being pressed to your lips, blinking your tears back to see Malleus gazing down at you fondly.
"One problem at a time," he stated, "we'll deal with this together, one at a time. But first, we focus on your health. So eat." He pressed the grape to your lips with emphasis at his words, until you relented and let it slip into your mouth, despite mumbled complaints.
Malleus dutifully fed you each piece of fruit from the bowl, and if you hadn't been so caught up with your own misery, you'd have noticed how content he looked as he did so, and the flicker of disappointment over his features when the bowl ran empty. With a flick of his wrist, the bowl he conjured disappeared, and he was shifting you off of his lap to lay upon the bed.
"Sleep." He ordered, and although soft in delivery, he was giving you no room to argue. Despite that, you still tried, "but my assignments! I need to--"
"Sleep. You need to sleep." Malleus reached out a hand and stroked it along your hair, nails gently scratching down your scalp and running down through the length. Your eyes already began to droop at the pleasant sensation, and he continued the motion in an effort to lull you away to sleep.
Fighting the pull to sleep was futile, try as you might to blink or shake your head, exhaustion quickly coming to claim you. "Why are you being so nice to me?" You mumbled drowsily, and Malleus hummed softly in acknowledgement of your question. His hand left your hair, travelling down your shoulder to take your hand.
"Why would I not be? You are my beloved." He answered, bringing your hand to his lips and pressing a kiss to the back of it. He waited for your response, but received nothing, for you'd already slipped away into slumber. Malleus smiled tenderly, gently placing your hand back by your side, soon tucking a blanket over your slumbering form. How beautiful you looked, and how he longed to hold you, just like before. But he could wait.
He could always wait for you.
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A short, sharp rapt on the door sounded before the door swung open without pause, Lilia wandering in with a pile of books and papers floating beside him.
"Malleus, funnily enough I've found F/N's school materials littered along the corridor. You've been pining for a reason to approach her, why don't you give them back and-- Oh." Lilia's eyes landed on you, still sleeping soundly in Malleus' bed. His ruby eyes travelled over to Malleus, situated in the chair at his desk, an intrigued smile growing across his lips.
"What do we have here? This is a scene I can remember. Your courting went well so soon? Am I alright to approach, or will you growl at me again?" Lilia teased, only receiving a deadpan glare from Malleus in response.
Lilia walked towards Malleus, the books magically depositing on the desk while Malleus grabbed the papers out of the air, surveying them. "Has something happened?" Lilia asked, his head tilted in curiosity as he looked between you both.
Malleus only hummed as he began sorting your assignments into some sort of order. "F/N has been wronged by this college and it's human practices." Malleus stated with disdain and Lilia quirked an inquisitive brow at his charge's words.
"How so?"
"She is unused to the fleeting lives of the children of men and their desire to race time. It has left her feeling unworthy." Malleus responded, fetching his pen from his uniform pocket and beginning to write.
"Ahh of course, I should have realised that would be an issue. F/N has never really left the Wilds, after all." Lilia sighed, feeling a pinch of guilt over his own negligence. But a small smile soon returned to his features, "what do you plan to do about it?"
"I shall complete these assignments, and then I'll have a word with that crow." Malleus huffed, his pen gliding across the paper with purpose. Lilia frowned slightly, and leaned against the desk, "you can't do F/N's assignments for her, Malleus."
"I can do whatever I want for my beloved." Malleus retorted petulantly, not looking at Lilia but beginning to glare at the paper. Lilia's lips quirked upward in amusement at Malleus' obvious defensiveness. Ah, young love. Who was he to dampen the flames?
"Well," Lilia began, a mischievous gleam in his eye as he leaned towards Malleus, "this is a grand opportunity, why don't you..." Lilia began to whisper conspiratorially into Malleus' ears, whose glare slowly melted away into a look of contemplation...
Taglist: @justreadings, @justgiulia @yuistan @1arminsimp​
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greenbergsays · 3 months
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Ked's right, I do have book recs that you can find under this tag and also some on my writing blog here. I also have a page here where you can see what's on my bookshelf, but you can't filter it because Tumblr doesn't allow Java anymore >__>
I wouldn't call that page a rec list, though, it's just an inventory of what I own or what's on my list to own. Some of those books are objectively terrible and I will freely admit that, but there was something about them compelling enough that I read them more than once.
I didn't mean for the below to turn into me just reccing you authors but it kind of turned into that, so here are authors I would recommend:
Onley James - I love her so much that I support her Patreon. All of her stuff is good (and loosely connected) but my favorites are, of course, the Necessary Evils series. It has two spin-off series which I also very much enjoy: Jericho's Boys & The Watch. All three series surround the psychopaths in love trope, however Jericho's Boys and the first book in the Watch series do not feature it as a main trope because neither of the main characters fit the bill. Most of them do feature some level of kink, though.
Kiki Clark - Her main series is werewolves (but no Omegaverse) and it's called the Kincaid Pack. The first book is my favorite, but I own them all. It's finished and she's starting a new series in that 'verse, the prequel to which I think is The Mobster's Mate, which is so up my alley it's like someone was spying on me. She also has a MC/kink series called Leather & Chrome that's good, but it's not my favorite kink series. (Kiki also have other contemporary books that I love, I just don't want this to get too long)
SPEAKING of kink. Robin (RJ) Moray - She has a series called His Boy Next Door that gay-awakening, age gap, and BDSM-related. It has a spin-off series about two other characters called A Collar For His Brat, both are excellent. The only thing is in HBND, the main character's name is Channon and that took some getting used to. Robin also has other books which I highly recommend--including a space Omegaverse story called Changed: Mated to the Alien Alpha, which is very good--she is probably my Top 3 favorite authors and the fact that more of her stuff isn't available in paperback is a source of constant misery for me.
Eliot Grayson -- The only person I can think of off the top of my head that writes well-written first person POV. The Mismatched Mates series is her main title iirc. It's a soul-bonding / "mate or die" situation at first and segues eventually into "mating for convenience." Some stories are related and some aren't.
Stella Starling -- if you like high fluff and low angst, this is the author for you. All of her stuff is contemporary and very cute. My favorite series is the Semper Fi one but I like & own them all.
Sam Burns (and Sam Burns w/ W.M. Fawkes) - They do anything fantasy/magic-related. Werewolves, urban fantasy, there's a series about the Greek Gods, etc. I haven't read ALL of their works, but the stuff I have read, I like. My favorites / the ones I own: Wolves of Kismet (Omegaverse), the Star-Marked Warrior series (sci-fi/aliens), & Wolf Moon Rising (Omegaverse).
Ella Frank (and Ella Frank w/ Brooke Blaine) - Contemporary writer(s) that specialize in writing multiple books for the same couple. There's a lot of gay/bi-awakening. The Temptation series is a fantastic audiobook journey that I cannot recommend enough, that narrator was amazing. I also really liked the first three Fallen Angel books are about the same couple and I love them, the fourth FA book is about a different couple and I DNFed it. Couldn't say why, it just didn't hold my interest.
...I have more, but I should probably work at some point this morning. So if you want more / want a specific rec for a specific trope or genre, lemme know!
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silenttale22 · 10 months
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PLAY FOR YOU |MYG|
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Yoongi x Reader Genre: Angst, Fluff, Strangers to ??? Warnings: Two broken people, swearing, mention of suicidal thoughts Note: Hi Sweetheart, thank You for being here!
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You've always felt attracted to things that stand out significantly - something unusual that you couldn't look away from. Always on a search for anything intriguing, whether it's in someone or something. Forever seeking a safe haven in things that, even if simply for a few moments, allows you to drift away with your thoughts into the unknown. Merely immerse yourself in a carefree scenario, which is so difficult to find in real life. You looked for remedies in music and poetry books, but you still didn't feel understood in any way.
It often seemed to you as if the days were getting shorter and shorter, with the time that you had progressively slipped away from between your fingers. Staring at one point for hours, thinking that something new might suddenly appear in your life. Hoping that without doing a thing you would get a glimpse of something to pull you out of the self-digged pit.
However, time has passed, and nothing has changed.
And it became so often that you wanted to just give up. You were tired, as your mind kept telling you that you were fine. Telling you that everything is going to be better, assuring you that you were during your healing era.
Yet now, it all feels like hurting lies.
Only a single mistake was enough to make you drown, drown in your uneasiness, lack of hope, and lack of strength. You were so done with watching how everyone is turning their back every time you offered a little bit more of yourself. And it was repeating. So again, when you thought you found someone you can trust, can count on…turned out to be another failure. You were and are still alone.
And oh, how foolish you felt for most of your existence… how big a liability you were.
Finding comfort with people so far away that didn't really know you. Pinning your hopes that strangers would be able to put you back together. You felt naive, because how is it likely to happen that they will understand and help? How can anyone manage to help if you - yourself don't know how? Or maybe the right thing to ask is whether you even want help.
Maybe you had become a little bit too content with your own created agony. Are you feeling miserable because something bad happened or maybe it's just made up by you? Loneliness is an excellent teacher for seeking rescue in being in pain. Most of the time, you try to look at yourself from another perspective, but torturing yourself has become a source of comfort and a distraction to which you are now addicted.
There were a lot of signs, telling you to change your way of thinking. However, what's the point of signs if you don't understand them at all? When you felt change just for a while, to get back inside the black hole, being shut within four walls without any escape. And you were scared…
You panicked more often than you used to because putting on a mask and trying to be constantly tough since one can remember, exhausted you.
You are scared of being not good enough. And constantly asking yourself questions - if you were able to bear yourself again, hurt even more. You are scared of asking for help. But, again questioning - why is it so hard for us to ask for a helpful hand? Why is it so hard to ask for forgiveness, and give it to someone? Why is it so hard to hope sometimes?
It was straining your strength. Constant bursts of energy, then mood swings, everything going up and down, so suddenly - you're overwhelmed. It's like walking in circles, once you get well, there's always something to pull you down again. And you just let it be, feeling bad about it later - usually at night when you couldn't feel more worried about your future. You may believe that you work so hard because something must have exhausted you to this point, but do you?
You never wanted to be a soldier fighting battles for a living. You never wanted to feel like you're dying, You never asked for feeling not good enough then why are you here now?
Surrounded by people but feeling so lonely. Waiting for understanding yet being so quiet. You are scared. You are angry. You are lost. You are confused. You are anxious. You are hurt. You are tired. You are done. You are…You are…
Who the fuck actually are you?
Your life has always centered around figuring out who you are and why your life looks the way it does. Why do you live the way you do? And despite the fact you found so many sources, so many books, and so many "people" who found the answers by themselves, to help you with your questions.
But did they help? Nah, you're still in the same place.
Confused and lost. Your eyes filled with tears while looking around feeling terrified of where you are in life. Because you don't know who you are, and you're not sure if ever will be able to get to know yourself. No matter how hard you want, it feels like you simply can't.
There's always a distraction, always something keeping you away.
And you tried to scream, but how loud can you scream to be heard? Why are questions - how to be heard in your mind every now and then? You're still unsure.
Where are the ones who said they'd stay - oh maybe, gone? What happened to the words they spoke of? Oh, maybe they meant nothing. Time has passed and you're left wondering if you're being too paranoid. Because it appears like everything has disappeared. Or maybe you just have the right guts to believe that the people in your life will come and go and that you are the side character in your own story. The story where everyone left after taking some of your light.
And there's also another feeling, a feeling of being rejected. By yourself and others. Usually, it is hard for you to show your authentic self but when did it all start? Does telling your mother you're feeling lost with yourself ever lead to anything? Being fifteen and feeling unworthy should not be so common, but these are different times, aren't they?
You simply wanted to make it clear that you are not in good physical condition. When you work hard to put yourself up, you can't be there for each one. That you are tired of being the perfect student and person for everyone else when you are not. You never felt like someone worthy of being put as an authority, and you hated it when the younger kids in the family heard 'Look how well she's studying - be like her,' and you just screamed in your mind 'No, don't be, if you don't want to feel what it means to die every day getting out of bed.'
You were broken without a reason, and unanswered questions about existence only haunted you every fucking night.
There was always a part of yourself that struggled to feel like you belonged here, and it became a run you ragged since you tried so hard to fit in or pretend you did. Your tensions and heavy heart were often ignored in your household, so you gradually learned to do it on your own as well. You felt obliged to do everything for everyone, as though being a pawn seemed so appealing at the time, but you now realize it was all wrong. You were aware that it was gradually breaking you down.
You realized that being rejected about your feelings for the first time became the beginning of your broken journey because that was the time when you started losing yourself. Despite so many years passing, you thought you should maybe open up again - and yeah, just to get hurt again. So what about all of these good moments if they last only for a…wink. In a second it again feels like agony and endless loneliness. And history has come full circle, as always
After so many failed attempts - shutting yourself off from the world wholly seemed like a great idea. Giving you a prolonged time to take another perspective, which was getting more and more scarce. This is how taking the money you had saved over the years, packing the necessary suitcases, and starting a new life in a completely foreign country seemed to you like an unlocked door from the room you were trapped in along with all the negative emotions tearing you apart from the inside.
Leaving the past and looking for the future was a never-ending, continuing thing…at times you were so far behind that you lost track of time, or frozen in, unsure of what really was waiting for you - so where was the time for the present? To get some air into your lungs and whisper to yourself 'I'm home'.
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Standing outside an airport in South Korea for the first time, feeling the wind gently kissing your face, and the view at even such an overcrowded place seems enchanting, and although for a simple human the view of the sunset on the background of the rising airplanes was not very impressive, for you it meant something else - for you it meant a moment of freedom.
And at first, everything seemed tough, but getting a job turned out to be much easier than finding any housing, so you spent the first six months renting the cheapest motels you could. At the time you didn't even bother to think about surrounding yourself with more people, at that point, it seemed even more impossible than in your native country. Finding your place in an editorial office was like one of the few extended hands from the universe.
One dream was almost fulfilled, but the feeling of not fitting in was still fluttering somewhere inside.
The years went by, as did the people in your life. More and more, you wondered what you were doing wrong that you couldn't keep anyone with you, but that was another question you couldn't find an answer to with your own hands. You really tried in every relationship that came along…and maybe that was your mistake - maybe you were giving too much.
You were used to surviving alone, coming to empty walls and the dead silence filling the apartment. After all, you've always had to face loneliness, so why should it bother you in any way now? Nonetheless, sitting for hours on a window recess on a free day, watching people walking together, enjoying each other's presence - jealousy bloomed at times in your heart. Yet another distraction came with time, and even though he was at arm's length, you never intended on grasping onto another person again.
But he seemed to come out of nowhere, one day walking under the windows of the building where you lived. You saw all these people passing him and turning around to look at his face again. And it always makes you wonder if they see the same as you do.
His features, despite a rather blank expression that should in logic make you look away, were so pleasant to you making it impossible to turn your gaze away from him. His eyes were sharp, yet the softness of his features conflicted with the malignant glances he sent, causing people to turn away. And regardless of the resting face with which he walked almost every day - you still couldn't describe it other than mesmerizing and most simply - adorable. You could think of the boy as a cat who wants to appear dangerous at all costs to protect himself from strangers.
However, one time when you spotted him from the window again, the shade of his hair from dark now was almost white, blending with his pale complexion. You could even tell that he resembled a sugar cube. But this time his gaze was fixed dreamily on a faraway space, and you could see a flickering in his eyes even from a distance, like a night sky full of stars. Or you were just mad. But your heartbeat was fast for the first time when you looked at him, and the next day it turned out that he lived in the same building as you and was literally at arm's length.
The more often you saw him, or passed him too - he reminded you more and more of yourself, always trying to escape into your own world when no one around looked like they would understand what you were feeling. The more often you occurred to meet him on the staircase, the more often you caught yourself holding your breath, so that most often you began to suffocate through lack of air in your lungs, causing the boy to send you divorced from reality and puzzled gaze, as he quickly disappeared on his floor.
Days were slipping through your fingers, which happened also with sleeping hours when things got overwhelming again. Work at the editing office became too much from time to time, and the amount of articles you had to edit in weeks made you annoyed, especially when you read about the same topic over and over again. Also, uneasy flashbacks of childhood came in to say "Hi it's been a while since we hunted you, right!?." And that's how the nightmares appeared every night, taking away your needed sleep and focus. So as a husk of a man, you walk down the streets hearing echoing hurtful words from the past. The voice of your mother waking you up in the middle of the night. So many unsaid words sticking in your throat were hurting even more now, more than they used to…
It was another late summer night, a blanket was thrown off your legs long hours ago, and your tired body kept tossing from side to side on the mattress trying to find a place for itself. A chilly breeze from the slightly ajar window was hugging your naked legs, eyes closed still trying hard to fall asleep and get rid of sore eyes. Bright lights in the office and staying in front of a computer screen for hours every day were not the best for them. The blissful feeling under your eyelids when you finally were able to close them at least for a moment let you forget about wandering thoughts.
Raindrops falling on the window frame put you in a trance, causing you to feel like you were almost levitating when you succeeded in staying motionless for a while. But even they couldn't keep you asleep for long and your tired mind still wouldn't let you sleep for more than an hour, sometimes maybe two. A rainstorm somewhere on the outskirts of Daegu also woke you up this night, as if your thoughts weren't enough. It only took a few loud peals of thunder for your childhood fear to show up again, making your body tremble with anxiety over the rolling loud sounds.
Yet in the minutes that passed, as you tried to focus on something beyond the thunder, louder piano notes drifting through the air from one of the apartments in the building began to soothe you. Closing your eyes and swaying to the repeated strokes of the keyboard, letting out a melody lulling you to that long-awaited sleep. But instead of fully giving in to your soon-to-be dream, you threw your legs off the bed and moved toward the ajar window so you could hear the sounds of the piano even more clearly, and when you leaned your forehead against the cool pane of the window to close your eyes while listening, something inside told you it had to be him.
And the melodies repeated themselves almost every time, often making sleepless nights more pleasant or at least helping you focus a little on the editing you sometimes did at home as well. You rubbed your tired eyes, took a sip of tea, and with closed eyes listened for a while, only to run your fingers over the keyboard again and start tapping out more letters, pretending to press the keys of a piano making sweet sounds. You still carried your suspicions deep in your pocket, afraid to say anything to the boy, whether it was really him, but for the next few days, that was another thing that did not give you peace of mind.
So one day, when tiredness and frustration took over and your brain wasn't exactly working well, you found the unknown courage to speak up. So as his figure passed you again on the staircase, the words came out of your mouth on their own, making your heart pound countless times against your ribs, which you were sure anyone walking by would have heard.
“I'm sure it's you who plays all the nights on the piano” a rough voice of yours making your face twitch because you didn't want to sound it this way. And you saw how his body froze in place. He didn't look, only lowering his head down and talking quietly back after a moment.
“Sorry, I was sure no one could hear it. I'll stop.” oh, it sounded so sad, making your heart clench inside your chest, lips become dry and you wished to hold him to wash away the gloom that took over.
“No, no…that's not what I meant. I-I…shit, wait.” you stopped, getting lost in words and then his caramel eyes looked at you with so much hope sparkling inside “I'm not so good at this, talking I mean, but I enjoy it a lot…it, your playing I mean- it helps me sleep, and, uh I didn't mean to sound so bitchy.” you mumbled under the breath, cringing inside that this is probably the first and last time when you two spoke.
“You can't sleep?” his question trip you out, with eyes still staring
“I, yeah. We're not best friends with sleeping at all, I guess…” you murmured quietly
“I usually play around 2 am, making sure everyone is asleep. Now I will know I'm not the only one who can't sleep in here. That's kinda comforting.” he said leaving you alone on the staircase, staring numbly
And the first few days after a brief meeting in the hallway, your head could not calm down. Thoughts were tossing around like crazy and the pain in your temples was unbearable. Your jaw clenched often in an attempt to somehow stop the worsening painful twinge, but this only caused even more agony. This is another time when life began to overwhelm you. Again when the smallest thing you did pulled you down to the very bottom you can't get out of it. You already feel so damn tired that you yourself don't understand what's really wrong with you. You sleep for 12 hours at a time, or you barely sleep for 4. Your mind is overworked, and your eyelids are heavy yet you sometimes still find it hard to sleep.
You would like to have someone next to you. Someone who understands and won't accuse you that others have it worse. Because "you never wanted to die for someone," you heard in your younger years from so-called friends for the rest of your life. And it's true. You didn't need anyone to create a death wish in your head - you wanted to die because you could no longer carry the burden you were putting on yourself.
But how could they know you spent your nights thinking up different scenarios to end your life? How could they know how often you strolled the streets with your eyes full of tears, because the dumb words that 'others have it worse' kept you from shedding even a single tear? So you viewed the world as a blurry landscape, as your eyes stung through chasing away the gathering drops or through exhaustion from the triggers that surrounded you.
That's how filled with your own thoughts, you found yourself on one of the park benches, a bit more peeled of paint, placed farther than the daily paths, nearby a rushing creek, mesmerizing your gaze with the force by which the water smashes against the stones near the shore violently awakening something new in you. You sat down hard on the somewhat wet wood, breathing in the floating fresh rainy air, that helped at least a bit to relieve the heavy squeeze on your head. The pleasant scent of cherry and magnolia blossoms flowering nearby entered your nostrils brought with gentle gusts of wind appearing from time to time. The floral scent helped you to pause at least for a while with your closed eyes facing the beaming sun, whose rays caressed your tired face.
Quiet hope for a longer peace of mind, though, never lasted long, and negative thoughts found the right time to lead the storm against your head on their own. Neither the sound of rustling leaves nor the charming chirps of birds could stop the flow of thoughts as powerful as nearby rushing water that was impossible to stop. Nothing was able to completely shut you off from the voices appearing in the back of your head, so you drifted between reality and your own created world listening to the pouring hatred that blamed you for everything again and again.
As time goes by, having this rush of thoughts becomes too intense, too chaotic, and your temple aches again surrounded by arms of burning pain. Your eyes snapped open in a sudden manner, and the bright rays hit your pupils blindingly not used to the light. A good few seconds passed before you could look up freely to admire the beams breaking through the clouds that were darker in the sky. They moved slowly across the sky evoking a momentary awe, holding your breath. So you stared at the fluffy puff streaming across the blue, ignoring the pain and treating this as the last such moment-as if you were looking at a work of art for the last time, because who knows if such a moment will happen again?
The clouds may never settle like this again, and the sun will not shoot through them with its rays, blinding your eyes. You have to enjoy something that may never come back.
Your enchantment, though, becomes quickly covered by a short posture that, through the shining sun, appears at first to be a total stranger. But when you rub your eyes and white hair ruffled by the wind catches your eye, almost immediately you realize with whom your eyes meet a second later.
The delicate facial features and fair complexion you had seen before were not as impressive as the faint smile on his lips, an expression so rare to see on him. Dark eyelashes fell gently over high round cheeks as his eyes blinked through the falling rays. Without a word, a boy sat down heavily on the same bench, closing his eyes and giving in to the warmth of the sun. And no matter how hard you tried to look away - you couldn't, curiosity was way stronger than the rational mind at that moment.
So you studied his face - once out of the corner of your eye, then simply turning in his direction, admiring every detail your eyes were able to pick up. The pale face seemed perfectly imperfect. His delicate button nose was simply asking to press a finger to its tip, thin but pouty lips complemented the relatively innocent-looking face. His eyes seemed rather small, but when he looked suddenly in your direction with his wide-open eyelids, abashing you straight away making you turn your gaze away almost immediately, but somehow carry on to catch a soft glance he sent you. The quiet melodious laughter escaped his lips, causing pleasant chills to run down your spine.
"I have something on my face, or is it just that much of an attraction for you?" he asked suddenly, causing burning heat to rush to your cheeks, so you start rubbing your probably rose-colored skin with cold hands, and once again hearing laughter escaping from his mouth, quiet snort leaving your lips as you turn away with your back even more this time. "What brings you to such a faraway part of the park?" he drops another question, while his calm and curious tone of voice in fact encourages you to talk.
You let out a heavy sigh and glance in his direction to catch another sight of the small smile decorating his lips. The boy seemed quite different than usual, especially compared to the day when you exchanged a few words. Instead of a blank and chilly expression, he appeared relaxed and… almost keen to make any connection. Where his body language normally seemed pushy and tense as he walked alone below the windows of the shared building, looking far ahead, here his shoulders seemed loose and his posture friendly leaning towards you.
"Running away from overwhelming reality," you speak up suddenly, causing the boy to send you a confused look and your eyes meet for a moment, but you quickly turn your gaze upward to fix it on the passing clouds.
A stronger wind blows the first time you share a bench together, and your hair flutters back so the boy can look closely at your face. However, you only inhale the scent that has come with the breeze. Aside from the floral scent, a spicier scent of sandalwood with a hint of vivid citrus enters your nostrils, and because of the sudden rush of euphoria bursting inside by the new smells, your head spins slightly for a good while.
"Do I disturb your running away much?" a melodious voice brings you back from your temporary state, and your gaze falls on his face again. You send him a brief smile, which fades rather quickly after realizing that this is the first time in a long while that it has come unwitting. "I suppose so, tho," the boy adds, and your eyes widen at his words.
"Actually, you're a great help in it," you mutter under your breath, but when his warm laughter reaches your ears again, a smile spontaneously presses on your lips. You could see for the first time his gummy grin and rising chubby cheeks, which you felt like squashing with your hands.
"To be honest, I never introduced myself, extremely rude of me. I'm Yoongi." he extended his hand in your direction, which took a moment to hold onto in your squeeze, admiring its softness and slenderness.
"The timing simply wasn't right. I'm Y/N," another smile as his hand let go of yours, and you felt like you were melting inside with each bright curve of his lips sent out.
You sat together on a park bench for a long time that day, both of you gazing at the wandering white clouds as the sun pleasantly warmed your faces. And you didn't know whether the warmth spreading inside was due to the sun's rays or the presence of the boy sitting next to you.
"Still having trouble sleeping?" He asked suddenly, snapping you out of the trance you had managed to put yourself into.
"Uh, you could say so. But that's nothing, people have worse concerns," you muttered, not even taking your eyes off the sky
"They may have, but your health is just as important as others," he added. Yoongi got up from his half-lying position to get a better look at your face. "Don't minimize your problems if they are big enough to keep you awake at night." His worried gaze fixed on your face made you get flooded with a sudden burst of mixed emotions, and maybe if it weren't for your clenched jaw and teeth biting your inner cheeks every now and then - tears would have been streaming down your skin long ago.
"But it's only temporary, after some time sleep will come back," you said quietly, but the boy heard clearly through which a heavy sigh escaped his lips.
"Maybe it will come back, but the nightmares and exhaustion will linger on you," this time you glanced at him, and the pulled expression on his face brought a guilty feeling to you, "why can't you sleep?" throwing in another question, your inner cheeks already aching through the clenching of your teeth.
"Memories of the family household." you drop quickly, blending almost all the words into one "And you?" you added, meeting the sudden surprised expression on your face
"Me?"
"On the staircase the other day. You mentioned that it's comfortable to know that someone also doesn't sleep at night." A quiet laugh escapes his lips
"You caught that and still remember, huh?" He said with a stuck-on cocky smile on his face.
"Um yeah, of course, I do, how could I not," you replied.
"Reason similar - family household." He spoke with almost perfectly painted neutrality, but you were able to see the deep sadness buried in his eyes.
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From that day on, you wanted to believe that there was something more between you and the white-haired boy, more than single meetings and a few hours of conversation that became some kind of routine for you after, more than glances thrown from the other part of the room, more than a smile exchanged on the street at first. Nevertheless, your relationship with Yoongi was really tough to define.
From one outlook you took on the whole thing, you'd like to say that you're really good friends - after all, you spent entire days together at times. Laughing together, exchanging different opinions on even more diverse topics, and most important - you thought about understanding each other so well. It even happened that you helped him write new melodies, and even though you were green in this, he seemed to take your opinion into account, thanking you more than once, saying that without you he would keep standing frozen with it. But on the backside, after days filled with conversations - there came weeks of separation, in which you again lost your thoughts, because each time you didn't know whether the boy had completely discharged his social batteries, or whether he was most simply bored, not eager to carry on knowing you.
It was clear that Yoongi was not the first eager to speak up about himself, much less his life. He was much more interested in listening to you, possibly giving his opinion on a particular topic that you had taken down into the conversation. But you were also not the kind of person who likes to push others, to make them feel uncomfortable in any way.
So you ended up waiting naively with the patience you had built up for him, having a hope that he will open up to say anything deeper about himself. And in the beginning, you handled the whole situation like an egg - afraid of losing another person in your life, but could you have lost something you never had? Why did you still find momentary peace in grasping for something that was flying away so damn fast?
Months passed, and you felt more and more tightly embraced by your demons with again-attached loneliness. It was the evenings when you fell on your bed in your darkened bedroom wondering if this was another time you did something wrong. Was it again that your foot slipped on one of the edges, impaling yourself on the sharp piles of hopelessness? All day long, you used to be able to stare at the screen of your phone, or occasionally glance at its screen as it lay alone on your desk while you were trying to get busy with work, in the hope that some kind of return message had finally arrived for your 'Good morning, have a nice day.' But the screen was blank, fading out after a long moment, showing your wasted face.
And it happened sometimes, that you passed him on the sidewalk or in the stairwell and sent him a smile at that time, hoping for at least a moment of conversation, but he only replied how busy he was and walked away, dropping that maybe another time….but did he really mean it? Your heartfelt that bitter taste of rejection again. Given so much time and so much free space, a kind of anger began to build in your cage. Once again you were fooled by words that turned out to be lies. Another time you got slapped in the face by reality, waking up from a naive dream - because people come and go. They won't spend their whole lives with you.
Nevertheless, for a while, you still hoped that the boy would come back. That he really cared.
"Yo, Yoon! Look at this song, it's pretty good!" you used to add many times when you sent one of a few links to songs that meant more than they might have seemed. But how could he know that the words of the song could describe your feelings - about your current situation, or about him?
"If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks. Then I'll follow you into the dark,*" You once again sent the lyrics of a song that was important to you, but extremely quickly regretted it when his reply was a short
"Again the lyrics of a song?"
Still, he eventually wrote back, in a way you might have viewed as a success. Yet, each of his responses made the weight on your frame worse to bear, and your fear grew. The bruises under your eyes turn shades of dark purple. Sleepless nights haunt your head after prolonged periods of peace and quiet, and scribbling down notes in various places to free yourself at least for a while drags on endlessly. All seems bland. Nothing seems real, you, your feelings, everyone around you, the world.
So you asked yourself - do you feel something or do you just think you feel something?
You wished to be gone. Again, you were building walls around you, putting up and gluing broken bricks together. You had no longer expected to be noticed, the desire for any kind of glance was fading day by day. If they don't want to listen to you, why should you speak up? But inside you were boiling, because on some part you also wanted to mean something. But did you want to escape or be alone with yourself, so that you could sink yourself into another abyss?
Anger and a sort of ignorance were building up inside you, and it didn't announce anything good at all. More - it was terrifying. Your crying wasn't just a cleansing thing, it was pure destruction of your temporary perception. You were too fast to get used to people, obsessing too much later, going through these kinds of moods. The chains which your appearing anger tried so hard to break are still hanging on your body, not letting go even for a moment - not allowing you to break free.
So you lash out at yourself and at everything you meet on your path, no matter if it's a can lying on the street or the neatly stacked books on the desk next to the computer at which you spent most of your time. Torturing yourself with work. Eventually, you would throw everything to the ground in anger, still somehow bottling the pain inside.
After a time, when your heart is already getting used to another dump, peace arrives, your emotions stand still set at an unusually low vibration and at first, you like it. It's been a long time since you felt such calm running through your veins. It was like a blissful serenity, a safety blanket wrapping you from all sides. All of this helped you to fool yourself, to get lost in the feeling that everything would be all right now, that no one could hurt you nor harm you.
So you walked circles around your apartment one evening, still unable to find your place. The hands on the clock showed that it was roughly three in the morning, and the piano in one of the apartments below you was no longer playing peaceful melodies that would help you sleep. Has someone new already appeared? Is it going so quickly to get bored of you?
The questions came suddenly, ruining your hopes of letting go of the boy fully.
Nonetheless, your shattered nerves had not heard for hours the buzzing phone buried in crumpled sheets, which you had muted earlier not wanting to look at its screen ever again. That's why a sudden loud knock on the door startled you as you stepped out of the kitchen holding a glass of water in your hand, which made it shatter with a crash right under your bare feet, and a crying whine left your lips a moment after.
"What's going on over there?! Y/N open the door right now!" a familiar voice filled with anger echoed outside the door, and you only put your hand to muffle another whine and stepped to the door jumping over the shattered glass, feeling tears running down your cheeks.
You grasped the handle hesitantly, only to swing the wooden wing open a bit and see a pale wasted face and messed-up hair, standing out in every possible way.
"You could at least answer the fucking phone," he started with a harsh tone, making your body shiver, but as the boy raised his gaze and met your teary eyes his lips pressed into a narrow line, shutting for a long moment. "What happened? Who's inside?" now he was talking quietly, peeking over your shoulder, but you just swung the door open so that he would simply step inside and not fuss any longer in the hallway in the middle of the night.
His gaze immediately fell to the broken glass, but you only sighed closing the door, and you passed by him jostling a shoulder with more vigor than you meant to "Nothing's going on, no one's here." you muttered, moving to the leftover glass, grabbing the scoop from the kitchen - again jumping over the pieces, at which Yoongi only snorted, pulling aggressively at the ends of his hair for a moment, and an instant later snatched your spatula and picked up the pieces for you.
"What do you mean nothing? You don't reply, you don't pick up - you literally vanished. So I'm coming here, to see you fucking cry. Then how the hell nothing is going on!" he got up from the ground, sizing you with his eyes, leaving to the kitchen and throwing the remains of the glass into the trash, at which you just snorted.
"You actually think you will come here, after so long and act like you care Min Yoongi? I'm already tired of non-stop seeking your attention." You let out a quiet growl, and the boy raises one eyebrow while sizing you with his eyes again.
"I'm not acting anything, what the hell are you making up?" he said scoldingly, slamming the cupboard door and walking over to grab your hands, checking for any cuts on them, but you pull away with a sound full of annoyance.
"Stop! Just stop! You are accusing me of a lot, and you don't notice that you were doing the exact same thing," you shrug your shoulders frustrated, unable to control the emotions tossing you around
"Y/N" Yoongi again tries to come closer to you, but you pull away as far as possible
"No, don't you even dare to come closer? You can't just come back whenever you want, not after such a long time when I cried night after night not knowing what was wrong with me. Not when I've already accepted that you're gone," you let out, feeling more tears stinging your eyes
"I didn't. I just needed time to think, I never left you."
"Needed time, huh? A time that lasted for months? Without saying anything and ignoring me in every possible way? One word was enough. And I'd be calmer. Fucking word that you need a moment Yoongi, but no. After all, you don't tell me anything!" you barely muffled scream of words leaving your mouth
"No, it's really not like that. Look…"
"No. You can just tell me already that I am too much. That you just had enough of me, don't even try to pity or lie again. It's not the first time, I've been hearing this before, you all come and make shit and run away leaving my door open letting this fucking frost in. That's what my life is fucking based on." you say choking on your own tears already, most of the words sounding more like gibberish than constructed sentences. You are frustrated, angry, and lost.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” He groaned, sending you a confused look but you only snored pathetically
“About the truth Yoongi. About being just for a while, for always not being good enough for something more. And I start to get it, really…when you start to ignore me, keep avoiding my texts, pretending to be busy. I get it. At least you never promised you'll stay forever.”
“Stop it. This won't bring anything good…”
“No, I won't stop. They've always silenced me when I wanted to speak up, don't do the same. Not you.” You took a deep breath, not being sure if everything inside broke or was still breaking ”Not when my heart aches so badly to love you but my head is screaming to let go.”
“Wh-what?”
“And I know it may be stupid and pathetic for you. And I know I'm the first one to fuck everything up badly, and I'd beg you to stay but I won't this time. Just let me be heard one and last time. I'll be gone after it.”
“No, stop. You don't know anything. You won't be fucking gone, don't you dare. We will talk, we will I promise. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just angry okay? Give me a moment, just a moment please and I'll explain.” the long silence fell in the room, as you sat hard on the kitchen chair, pulling your knees to your chest and observing Yoongi firstly walking in a circle to finally stand in front of you. He took a long deep breath, his eyes clearly showed nervousness but you were tired. Just so fucking tired.
He stared for a long time, not speaking. His teary eyes made your heart clench, but you played hard, saying again and again inside your head to not be fooled again. But his hand so desperately reached for yours, trembling with fear, so you finally grabbed it hesitantly, that he could pull you to himself, hug you tightly, and oh, his arms embraced you so carefully, bringing you a sensation of reassurance. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest, which you could now hear and also feel on your own. The sound echoed in your ears, and though the fear of being alone again lingered within you, his hand gently stroking your lower back along with his chin nestled into your shoulder made you feel for the first time wanted, and even in a way begged to stay longer.
“Listen, I know that your thoughts are always ahead of others, but how come you seem so sure, about me, when you are so obviously wrong? I was never about to leave you, I just couldn't share my struggles then. Everything became too much…” he started hesitantly, pulling you even closer to himself “You can't overthink exactly how I see you, and how I feel about you because I can't count how many times I thought about you. About different responses, the real one, not the dry one I send. But I was scared to answer all the songs you have sent because I was afraid I won't be able to give you enough.”
“So you understood it?” you asked quietly, and he chuckled only into your neck. Feeling his warm breath brought you goosebumps, but you ignored them, clenching your fists on his t-shirt.
“Dear, I'm a musician. How could I not?”
“You're a stupid musician then” you murmured but he only chuckled again
“Yeah, you're right. I am. Because I should speak to you right away when I start to understand what I really feel. But as someone who has been rejected so many times, I was afraid, afraid to lose you…but I would anyway if I hadn't finally gotten brave enough.” He looked up, to see your teary eyes, and his heart hurt even more because he made you suffer “You needed some kind of confirmation that I am still here but I fuck it up and I'm sorry. But you know, it all seems like punishing yourself, thinking the way you did is so destructive. And I know it's a habit, something from the past, and I only made it worse. Yet I want you to know and remember that I always think of you, and remember every story you've ever told me. And I was about to tell you mine, but I was too scared.” he takes a breath, waiting as you say something, wishing that you won't give up on him yet.
“I was always here Yoongi, never pushing you to do something against yourself. I gave you the space,” you said almost blurring everything together. It felt as if your brain for once stopped working.
“I know, and I'm so thankful for that. Because no one ever did that to me before. And I want to be for you, as you are for me. To prove to you that you are not alone.” he brushed your cheek softly, bringing goosebumps ”And I know we will argue, as both of us can't go easy on things, but I will always find my fucking way to get back to you. Because you are my lost part. And we will be coming back because that is what people do while caring about each other. Always finding their way to find each other again”
“But Yoongi, Sometimes I think I'm not the same person. Not anymore. Something inside me changed. I don't know what - but something is different. And I hope you'll accept me anyway”
“I will always accept you. We're both changing, but does that mean we will feel differently about each other? We can fight, throwing plates and glasses but at the end of the day, I will be here to help you pick up all the broken pieces, so you don't hurt yourself. And at the end, we will treat each other's wounds. Accepting each other. Because I fell in love with you, and I know you did too.”
And your heart stopped for a moment. Because you couldn't believe his words. Could he really love you in any way? Or at least halfway your heart wished him to love-
“You're the melody I couldn't find. I couldn't ever make. I could dream about you, about someone who understands my tune so well…and you not only understand it but also are a part of it. You are the rare frequency that helped me to see different colors.”
And as Yoongi said so, you wanted to naively believe that he's telling the truth.
But honestly, could you be this rare frequency that makes him better?
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andydrysdalerogers · 3 months
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Undercover - One - Jake
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Pairings: Jake Jensen and OFC Samantha Matthews
The Losers have made it back to their families and are out. Well, almost. A threat against the British crown needs to be handled and the CIA has tapped the Losers for one final mission. And they are sending in Jensen.
Jake Jensen hasn't been a civilian in years but now he's undercover to find out why his target is where he is and who he's after.
Enter Sam, someone who Jake doesn't expect and well, he didn't know he was looking for.
Can Jake handle his mission and falling in love? Especially when the truth leads to a bigger mission than expected?
*~* A Jake Jensen Story *~*
Author's note: this story continues after the events of the Losers. I may weave other characters into it but they are all minor.
The playlist is available on Spotify.
cover photo by me! Dividers by @firefly-graphics
Warnings: angst, death, smut, and a bunch of stuff a can’t say because it gives away the plot!
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"Alight Losers, focus up.”  
Colonel Franklin Clay looked at his exhausted team.  It had been a long, few months, getting back from Bolivia, getting to Max and Roque’s betrayal of the team. They had just received their pardons, visiting the families that thought them dead and were now back together for their final debrief.  
Or so they thought.  
“We got tapped for an undercover ops,” Clay explained.  “It’s going to be a long one but the request is coming from an outside source.”  
“So not your typical ops.” Sgt. Linwood ‘Pooch’ Porteous commented while kicking his feet onto the desk in front.  
“Not this time.  One will be in deep cover at a company where the target works.  The mission is to recon and discovery of the target’s mission.”  
“Who’s asking?” Pooch flipped a pen in the air. Sgt. Carlos ‘Cougar’ Alvarez caught it and put it down shaking his head.  
“Dunno.  Our handler should be coming in…” 
“Right now.”  A tall, dark hair individual came in, suit, no tie, followed by another man.  “Nick Fowler, CIA director of Foreign Affairs.” 
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“Clay.  That’s Pooch, Cougar, Aisha and… Jensen!” 
A blonde stood up from the snack table, licorice in his mouth.  He wiped his hands on his jeans and walked over.  “Hi!” 
“Great.  This is Inspector Harry Hart, British Intelligence.”  
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“How do you do?” He shook everyone’s hand before clearing his throat.  “We would normally send in our own man but since our target is based in the US, we need an American to blend in.  We need someone who can also blend in seamlessly and get close to the target.”  
“That would be me,” Clay said.  
“Excellent.  And this is our target.”  He flashed a picture.  “John Fitzgerald. He is a former MI6, turned mercenary. He has been keeping low until just a few days ago when we intercepted intelligence that he is a threat to the crown. The King has been informed of the situation but is obviously not involved for his safety and the safety of his family.”  
“Shit,” Clay mumbled. He picked up the photo of the target.  “I know him.  We worked together 20 years ago.  I can’t go in.”  
“Who can?” Fowler asked.  
Clay furrowed his brow. “What company?” 
“It is,” Hart shuffled his papers, “ADR Diagnostics.  A tech company.”  
The Losers all swiveled their heads and looked at Jensen, who looked back with wide eyes. “What?” 
“Jensen can go in,” Clay said.  
Hart stepped forward.  “Name, rank and qualifications?” 
Jensen stood up straighter. “Captain Jake Jensen, masters in computer science and Data Analytics.” Jake started to sweat a little as Fowler and Hart inspected him.  
“Well, he does have the look of an IT guy,” Fowler commented. “What do you think, Inspector?” 
“Captain, you understand that you will essential be a civilian working undercover to find out what is going on with Fitzgerald?  There is not a timetable.  The faster you discover his motives, the faster you are out.”  
“Colonel,” Jake turned to Clay, “I thought we were out?”  
“They haven’t given us our papers yet Jake.  This would be our last mission.” Clay turned to the team. “It’s up to you.”  
“I’m in,” Pooch said.  Cougar tilted his trademark hat. Aisha shrugged.  Clay turned back to Jensen.  “The company is based near your family’s hometown.  You can stay near them and visit like normal since you do have to keep up appearances.”  
Home. Something that Jake had longed for.  His reunion with his parents has been joyful.  Especially since his cousin Savannah and niece Grace had been visiting.  Her husband and two other children had stayed home with the flu, which was a bummer but still.  
“Alright,” Jensen clapped his hands together.  “I’m in.”  
“Excellent. We will get you planted as a manager of an IT group.  You start a week from Monday to allow you time to get settled.  The apartment we have procured for you is in the town center and you should be able to walk to the office,” Hart explained.  
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Civilian life.  
Not something he was expecting. But here he was, Captain Jake Jensen, IT guy. He stood in front of ADR Diagnostics and looked up. The weekend had been interesting.  His parents had been thrilled that he was going to be closer to home.   He settled into his loft apartment and set up his reconnaissance equipment to maintain contact with the team.  He was to check in every Friday, under the guise of drinks with old friends.  He had studied his target.  
Fitzgerald was a handsome man, loyal to the crown, until an accident killed his partner, and he went sideways.  He left the service, went underground.  The threat that brought him back into radar was interesting.  Fitzgerald was looking for leverage against the old King of England.  His Majesty, King Harold had just stepped down to his son, Anthony, his only child, in a swirl of worry as Anthony had not had any children of his own.  
Jake found it curious on the line of succession the next person would be Anthony’s cousin, Lewis, to inherit.  From what Jake found online, the people of England despised Lewis for his snotty attitude to the common people and his utter disdain for his uncle and cousin, so much as speaking out against them. What could Fitzgerald be looking for to hold over the old King? He must be connected to Prince Lewis in some way, Jake noted to himself.  
Walking in, he was greeted by his new supervisor. “Jake?” 
“Yeah, Jake Jensen.” He offered his hand.  
“Michael Anderson.  Follow me.”  
Jake internally snorted remembering his break into the last company.  He followed the man to the bank of elevators and went up.  
“So, Jake, you’ll be heading a team of techs checking for security for our clients. Your team is four plus you and you will be reporting to me.  We do a daily report due at the end of the day before you leave. You have to send that to Sam, my assistant.”  
Jake nodded along. “Cool. No problem.”  
Michael looked over Jake. “I know it’s your first day but lose the tie. We’re pretty casual here. Polo and jeans will do.  Fridays can be a t shirt.”  
“Sure.” Jake pulled off his tie and stuffed it into his backpack. Getting off on the 14th floor, Michael directed him to an air where five desks were situated.  “Guys, focus up.” Four heads popped up.  “This is your new team leader Jake Jensen. This is Fred, Dave, Rob and Pete, your team. Make him feel welcome and shit. I’ll check in with you guys later.”  
“Uh, Mr. Anderson?” 
“Mike, please.” 
“Right Mike. Uh computer?” 
“Right.” He pulled a laptop out of his own bag. “Email is set up and will have all your system logins. Sam should have emailed you your report instructions and everything you need. Have any questions, ask your team or send a message to Sam. Otherwise, own your team, Jake.”  
“Thanks.” Mike walked away and Jake turned back to the guys. “Hi.” He awkwardly waved his hand.  
“Sup, boss man, I’m Fred. De facto mouth of the team.  That Dave, Rob and Peter,” pointing to each guy. “Uh I’ll let you set up.”  
“Thanks. Just set up and you guys can tell me where you are.” Jake moved to his new desk and took out a frame. Pictured was his niece Grace with his cousin Savannah. They had lost touch for a few years when his asshole aunt and uncle cut Savvy off. Now she was married and happy and Jake got back in touch with her. A perk of no longer being dead.  
As he set his desk up, he looked up to see a beautiful brunette walk across the floor. Her long dark hair with blonde tip bounced with her curls in a sleek ponytail.  She wore an emerald-green blouse with dark jeans and heels. Jensen couldn’t help but stare. And then she looked up. Cupid lips, soft pink cheeks, cat eyeglasses framing big eyes with lashes. Her smile made Jake swoon. When she looked in his direction he ducked and moved to open his email. “Stupid,” he muttered to himself. No way a girl that gorgeous is single. He concentrated on the task at hand, reading the first email in his new inbox.  
From: Sam Matthews  To: Jake Jensen  Hi!  Below are your logins for the system. I’ve attached a sample excel sheet to use for your daily reports. Any questions, you can email or instant message me.   Welcome to the team Jake!   Sincerely,  Sam Matthews  Assistant to Michael Anderson  
Jake reviewed all the info given and then sat with his team.  But his mind never left the beautiful brunette. I wonder where she works, he thought to himself.  
Closer than you think, Jake.  
The day went smoother than he thought, ADR’s systems sophisticated but simple. He was able to catch up to where his team was at and log in the progress.  He caught glimpses of his dream girl as she walked around the office. Lunch time with the team was easy, the guys were really nice about inviting Jake and keeping him in the conversation.  But it was around three that Jake got his break.  He was headed into the break room for a much needed pick me up in the way of coffee. Making sure that he didn’t get lost, his eyes wandered around the floor before his reflexes caused him to dodge someone.  
“Excuse me, sorry,” he heard and looked to see a flounce of curls walk away.  It was dream girl. He was about to say something when someone else caught his attention.  
“Pardon me, I just… you’re new.” A British accent hit Jake’s ears and he looked to find himself face to face with John Fitzgerald.  
“Yeah, hi. I’m Jake, IT.”  
“John, accounting.  Sorry, did you see a brunette pass by?” 
Jake stared a second too long at Fitzgerald and shook himself back to the present.  “Uh, yeah, she went into the elevator.”  
“Sly minx, she is.  You must know how that is,” Fitzgerald flashed Jake a rouge smile.  Jake swallowed and nodded unsure what to say.  “Well, I’ll see you around Jake.”  
“Likewise.”  
This guy? Jake shook his head as he poured himself a cup.  Dammit. Now I have to be all douchebag around this guy, he thought to himself as he took a sip.  Another voice startled him that he spilled his coffee a bit.  
“Is he gone?” 
Jake turned to see his dream girl in front of him. Her glasses were pushed up into her hair, showing off her big eyes that he now knew were brown with flecks of green and gold in them. She was chewing on her bottom lip, making it fuller.  Jake was memorized.  “Uh, yeah.  I told him that you went up the elevator.”  
“Thank you.  God, he just won’t take no for an answer.”  
Jake was captivated by her voice. It had a slight accent to it but barely noticeable.  “Sorry for my species.” He wrinkled his nose at the comment and went to leave, knowing he had just made a fool of himself.  
But then he heard it: her giggle.  “Thank you for apologizing.  I’m Sam, by the way. Sam Matthews.”  
Holy. Shit.  
His new boss’s assistant is his dream girl.  
And suddenly, being undercover was not so bad.  
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NEXT
Taglist:
@patzammit
@texmexdarling
@slutforchrisjamalevans
@firephotogrl74
@tinkerbelle67
@before-we-get-started
@bunnyforhim
@alexakeyloveloki
@sunnyhummingbee
@whiskeytangofoxtrot555
@peaceinourtime82
@saucy-sassy-sparkly
@kmc1989
@kandis-mom
@lokislady82
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boliv-jenta · 10 months
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Sex worker!Max Lord x f!reader
WC:1.9k
Warnings: A little angst. Idiots in something that comes before love. Allusions to smutty times.
Summary: Hot on the heels of his first proposal Max hits you with another.
Series Masterlist
The Proposals
The yellow piece of paper that Max wrote on was unceremoniously stuffed into your purse as you headed to the office. The underground car park was a wash with flashes of red and blue. There was a queue of four or five cars waiting to get in. None of them moved an inch. Huffing you abandoned your car completely, your heels clicked purposefully on the ground as you strode towards the source of the lights. Three black SUVs sectioned off the elevator. Men in FBI windbreakers milled around talking on radios.
Something too garbled for you to hear got their attention. "We're on the move." One guy calls. They scattered, getting into two of the cars until only one guy was left by the third. He opened the back door before climbing into the driver's seat. The elevator pinged and the doors opened, revealing two board men escorting a third. The third you realised was your very red faced boss. He rants indignantly as they walk him to the SUV to load him in.
By now some of your other co-workers have arrived.
"Do you think they'll shut us down?" A voice asks over your left shoulder you open your mouth to speak but get cut off by a voice from the right. "Hardly, it's just a little embezzlement."
It was not in fact 'just a little embezzlement." After the company shut down. A long list of charges came to light. By some miracle you'd made it out with a very substantial severance pay check thanks to your excellent skills in negotiating a contract. It would give you some breathing room. Quite a lot in fact but this was still a major setback in your career. Things with Max were put on pause while you sorted through your options. It wasn't until a week later that you saw that Max had sent back your last payment. Max didn't have a cell phone so you had to leave a message at his apartment. When he didn't return in after a couple of days you got worried.
The florists wasn't hard to find. During one of your dinners, Max had spoken about how grateful he was for your help in getting it. He told you about his job, the area he worked and how the lovely old lady would cook for him. A warm smile was on his plump lips. 
Standing at his door you second guess yourself. Your hand hovering over his buzzer until a woman pops her head out of the store. "So you're Max's secret lady!" Her English was heavily accented, Eastern European maybe? Wherever she was from she uses her language to hush the man inside the shop that had clearly had made a disapproving comments.
"Come, come." She waved you in. "Don't mind Viktor. He doesn't have a romantic bone in his body."
"I'm Zofia." She held out her hand. Shaking it, you give her your name. "The last few weeks Max has spoken about you every day. About how pretty and lovely you are. He thinks I haven't noticed. He still calls you a 'work friend'. You work at the bar that Max works at." If it was a question she doesn't wait for an answer. Her hands moved as fast as her mouth as she gathers a bunch of flowers and wraps them. "It's not good for him. Those unsociable hours. Sometimes I get up in the night and he's rolling home at 2am looking exhausted. At least he always has a smile on his face! Here!" She hands you the bouquet she had made. It was simple and elegant. Wildflowers and baby's breath in a hessian cloth. "I've told Max to take you these many times. A declaration of affection doesn't have to be fancy. Just good and honest. Right, Viktor?" Viktor seemed to be used to not being able to  answer as he just nods his head before she continued. "Well off you go. He's been off work all week. He'll be pleased to see you." You barely get a thank you out for the flowers before she ushers you out of the door and presses Max's buzzer. 
"Coming." You hear Max's voice before his footsteps descending the stairs. The door swings open to reveal him there. He looks different. Good. But different. His hair is wavy. There is no suit or shirt. He wears jeans and a sweatshirt. It takes you a moment to process it all. 
"Hi." He looks happy to see you but the moment is fleeting as a voice calls from inside. "Dad?!" 
The word hangs in the air before he turns to answer "Just one minute. There's someone at the door."
How did you not know he was a father? Was there just the one kid up there or more? "I..erm. I called you but didn't return it. I thought I'd check on you. You're fine so…" Every part of your body was screaming to leave.
"Yeah. I'm sorry. I was busy. It's my first visitation weekend in…too long."
"That's why you needed the money."
"Yeah." He shifts uncomfortably. "I see you met Zofia." He gestures to the flowers. 
"Yeah. Lovely woman. Very chatty."
The lines around his eyes deepen as he laughs. "She is. Alistair, my son. Is here until Sunday night. I could come over then? Give you time to read my proposal?"
"That would be good. Enjoy your time with your son." Your feet move of their own accord as you exchange goodbyes. Getting into your car you feel yourself physically deflate. That was a lot. All you wanted to know was that he was okay. Now you know he talks about you enough to need a cover story. And that he has a kid. It's all a bit much as you drive home and bury yourself in looking for ways to save your career. 
Sunday nights rolls around. Your mom and dad chat on different phone in the house. You filled them in on the situation with work. Assuring them that you are fine the whole time. Confirming to your mom several times that you are not going to jail. After your dad finishes telling you how his boat is coming along and hangs up, your mom stays on the line. "Are you sure you're okay, Sweetpea?"
No, I want to give up this stupid idea I had that I could run my own company and come home with my tail between my legs. I want to crawl into bed in my childhood room, just regress and live a simple life. Maybe with a sweet, brown eyed man.
"I'm fine, Mom. I'm upset, obviously, but I'll survive. I love you."
"I love you, too." You could hear the smile in her voice.
Max arrives about half an hour after you said goodbye to your mom. It was odd for him to be late.
"Sorry, I'm late. My car broke down on the way home from dropping Alastair off."
"You should have called. You didn't need to come over after that stress."
"What better way to relieve some stress than to see you?" You can't help but smile. 
All week, every free second you had you thought about how you would have loved to be in his arms. Not jostling for power or control. Just being with each other. Caring for each other. It had been so long since you had that. A man in your life that wasn't seen as competition or the enemy. 
"Sorry, I didn't get to read your proposal. I've been snowed under with work stuff."
"That's okay. I may have rambled a little. I can write you a shorter version. It all boils down to one sentence." Max snaps up a pen and post it note from your paper stewn table and scribbles something. "Here."
The note he handed you was simple.
I want to remove rule number two.
"Max…" All the words stuck in your throat. "I can't…"
"Can't remove it from the contract? Fine, I quit." His hands thread with yours to pull you in.
Slowly, you allow him to move you closer. "Max, you need this job. You have a son."
"I couldn't have gotten a home without your money but I can manage now. I can't take your money for something I'd willingly give you for free anymore. I shouldn't have taken it for this long."
"You'd be given up on the money for what? Me? I'm not sure I can give you a relationship. I have to focus on finding a new job…"
"About that I have a business idea…."
The small motel looks like any other from the outside. Maybe a little bit nicer than some you would pass on the highway. It's set back from the world hidden in the woods. It's advertised as a hidden hideaway for lovers but if anyone calls the number on the sign it's always fully booked. Each room has the softest cotton sheets, some have mirrored ceilings, others have restraints built into the wall, some have poles to dance around. One room, an old windowless supply room, has a full rack that people can be tied to, right behind the sex swing.
The advertising is half right. Except it's more like a hotel for people looking for lovers. There is a special number connected as well as the commercial one. A number that only a few knew by word of mouth but it soon spread. You call the number to leave your details. A contact number and what fantasy you want to live. 
You want a handsome cowboy to flirty his way into your heart and between your legs? He's stabled in room twelve. 
You need a daring pilot to take you higher? Room five. 
A little romance, TLC and gentle hands? You're in luck. Rooms eight, ten and fourteen are happy to help. 
Fourteen also provides a rougher hand. The duality of him is as much a mystery as his face that he covers with a simple black mask. 
Seven comes with additional warnings. Even with those, the women who stumble out of there are never really ready for him. There's just something about him that makes them feral. 
Six is the same. The theory is that it's his ability to be so dark and brooding but hold so much gentleness in those big brown, soulful eyes. It's simply magnetic.
When they both have company you worry for the wall separating them as the beds slam into it. 
Two was given a fitting room number as he is more than happy to take two at a time or more. He still manages to satisfy everyone. And still go looking for more company in the night. Speaking of…
Twenty five had to be given a room at the other end of the motel as people in nearby rooms were getting high off of his supply. Six makes sure that a little weed is the only drug that he has. 
Nine mans the phone line. His way with words eased the jitters of anyone calling up. He occasionally indulges those who ask for him specially. His voice entices them. The loss of his arm is still so recent that he's having trouble adjusting to being physically intimate without it, yet not one complaint has been made about his performance.
Room one is saved for the boss. He doesn't work as much as the others. He's far too busy with his family. Any requests for him have to be negotiated with his fiancé, she knows exactly what he is worth.
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jays-supersonic-dynamo · 11 months
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FIC REC WEEK DAY TWO!!!
alrighty, its time for day two!!! i’ve got,.,. More Fics…
today’s prompts are AU/movieverse and jay!
- turtle or the hare by Felikid (link)
for the jay prompt!! fic about jay meeting his birth mother at cliff gordon’s funeral! great fic! great for catharsis! i don’t think i’ll ever be normal about jay angst tho so im a bit of a biased source hehe
- Even if it’s just us, we’ll be okay by Mufflier_En_Fleurs (link)
for the AU and jay prompts!! season six rewrite where cole takes nya’s place as the love interest. skybound never fails to take me out, especially when it’s better written than canon! that and i love slowburns. excellent fic if you’re even passingly interested in bruise read it NOW!!!!!
- Son of Garmadon by orphan_account (link)
for the au/movieverse prompt!! movieverse au where lloyd is raised by lord garmadon, right? and when lord garmadon captures the secret ninja force, he’s gonna go down and investigate, no, interrogate them, right? right. when i first read this fic it stayed in my brain for the next couple of months ngl. real true brainworms
- Those Linked By Destiny by Leonardo_Charles_BlueWood_21 (link)
for the movieverse prompt!! basically just a prequel fic where all of the ninja meet up as friends first, then become ninja. i am. WEAK for stuff like this where they’re all getting to know each other and they just all learn to CARE FOR EACH OTHER.. LIKE.
- ceiling hung with vines by Fabro-de-omres (Fabro) (link)
for the au prompt!! au where the ninja are college students, and also part mythical creatures/beasts/monsters(?) its a whole thing. as descendants of creatures of the heavens, kai and nya sometimes get more attention than they’d like — and a rather persistent stalker starts putting their friends in danger too. come for the worldbuilding and character interactions, stay for the ongoing mystery and reveals! excellent fic
- Shocking, Isn’t It? by WTFGayLittleZooid (link)
for the jay prompt!! i almost didn’t include this one, which is a CRIME!!!! seabound fic that tackles the consequences of what happened after jay charged the hydro bounty’s battery. it’s got some angst, some hurt/comfort, and some excellent headcanons that i love so so much like… it’s great for me because im still not over seabound sometimes 😎👍
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misc-obeyme · 7 months
Note
Hi!!! I’m bombarding your blogs with late-night thoughts/Scenarios again (hope u don’t mind :(( )
Just thinking about the trope “he fells inlove too late” alot lately. It just makes my heart aches so much and a good way to make yourself cry to sleep…
I imagine this with Lucifer, Belphie and Asmo alot, and my reasoning is this. With luci, he attempted to kill us three times…Ik he was only doing that to protect his family…? But i just know for sure that Mc (at least mine) can’t keep the crush on for long after those events. And Asmo, i mean…flirting and affection is kinda his thing yk? So you wouldn’t know of he was serious about flirting with u or not and well it’s hard to tell if u really have a chance lol. And Belphie, *cough* lesson 16 *cough*
And that trope could actually fit the whole LIs now that i think about it lol
Dearest anon, I do not mind. I never mind. Please feel free to leave all the thoughts and/or scenarios in my ask box. However, I am a touch concerned about crying yourself to sleep on purpose? I hope you’re doing all right!
Anyway, I know sometimes the ache just hurts so good. And wow you’re getting me with this idea.
I definitely think you could make it apply to any of the characters, but I like the ones you chose, too.
It’s interesting in the context of the other characters, too. I mean with Lucifer, if MC lost interest in him because of his death threats, they would almost certainly find another brother immediately. My first thought is Mammon. And then I’m like how would Lucifer feel if he realized he was in love with MC too late, after they’ve already given up on him and now they’re with Mammon? Like yeah he’d be happy for them because he knows how happy that’d make them both, but ouchies.
I think Asmo is an interesting option, too. Because I really like to think of it as maybe Asmo has never had feelings quite as deep as the ones he has for MC. And it isn’t that he fell too late, but more that he didn’t know what to do with them or perhaps didn’t even recognize them for what they were. I like to think Asmo never really got into a deep or long relationship until MC showed up. Then suddenly it was like who is this and why do I feel this way about them? But maybe it took him too long to figure it out and now MC has moved on…
Belphie is a lost cause, I think. I know there are some Belphie lovers and some Belphie haters. But that boy killed MC. And by the time MC sets him free, they could have fallen in love with any one of his brothers. Even after that, it takes a little time for Belphie to finally make a pact with MC, too. Perhaps MC just can’t get over what happened. My MC has that issue for a while. I think my MC could give Belphie a chance, but it’d take a long time and there are other characters they’d fall in love with faster. It’s an interesting concept though. Like if none of the other characters were meant to be for whatever reason and by the time MC is fully comfortable with Belphie again, they start to realize they’re falling in love with him.
Oops sorry I got a little off track.
Anyway, this is indeed an excellent source of angst!
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walkswithmyfather · 1 year
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“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise…Then the God of peace will be with you.” —Philippians 4:4‭-8,‬9b (NLT)
“A Peaceful Heart” By InTouch Ministries:
“Entrusting our worries to God removes their power to cause anxiety.”
Sometimes circumstances trigger our anxiety, but other times it’s an inner turmoil we wrestle. Regardless of the source, our angst is no match for God’s peace, “which surpasses all comprehension” (Phil. 4:7). When you’re feeling anxious, remember:
God made you on purpose. Our Father chose the time and place we each would be born (Acts 17:26), and He gave us our personality, talents, and spiritual gifts. So consider what God has chosen specifically for you and give thanks.
God has a plan for your life. Scripture promises that embracing the Father’s specific path for your life will bring satisfaction and peace (Proverbs 3:5-6).
God adopts believers into His family. Once you belong to Him, nothing can change the fact that you are His (John 10:28).
God forgives when you confess. Some feelings of inner turmoil come from guilt or shame over wrongdoing. But when you confess your sin and change direction, God forgives you. Then your conscience can become clear (1 John 1:9).
Peace is within reach when you remember your identity in Christ. Next time you’re feeling anxious, pause for a moment to pray and meditate over these four truths. Taking your eyes off yourself and fixing them on Jesus should help, even if it’s necessary to repeat the process periodically.”
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All The Things I love About Shadow and Bone Season 2
I am here today to give you a Tumblr classic list post about my new favorite thing Shadow and Bone Season 2. You might say “but they deviated from the source material so far” and “it was rushed” and “how are they going to move on from everyone being in the wrong place” and to that, I have a series of answers. Naturally, SPOILERS are below. 
First, the season was based on books two and three of the shadow and bone series and Crooked Kingdom as well as some new stuff thrown in to make the Crows and the SOB stuff combine. I think they did a good job of exploring specific character backgrounds and trauma for the Crows (with the assumption that the aspects that were missing will be in Season 3). In my opinion, they fixed the problems I had with SOB primarily by making both Alina and Mal reasonable characters that I want to root for. My guess is they are setting up an Alina and Mal reunite plotline that will coincide with Nikolai and Zoya developing their relationship. The ending sets us up for the main plot of Six of Crows and King of Scars and so I think the pirate ship will return, but not before dropping off Inej in the barrel because she is needed for a job with the Crows. Now, I assume Matthias will die at the end of Season 3 so Nina is set up for the rest of the King of Scars plotline so we will have to prepare for that. With the early death of you know who, these things might just happen. I think the show did a great job setting us up for a new season and I support all the changes so, without further ado, here is what I loved. 
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1. Jesper and Waylan are perfect. I love their new relationship timeline and the actors have such good chemistry. I think the internet agrees that Waylan is perfectly written and cast and is so good at his job. I don’t mind the absence of a slow burn there and was a big fan of the butterfly scene. Also, the costume department knows how to dress them both and to whoever made the skirt choice thank you sincerely. 
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2. Matthias in prison did a great job extending the angst of being wrongly convicted that we just did not see in the books. Also, those flashbacks to Nina are golden and I cannot wait for him to be freed and meet the rest of the Crows. 
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3. Kazzle Dazzle is really giving book Kaz and I love him. I really did not think they would cast a child actor to reenact his backstory because that is a lot to ask for a child to do with a level of believability but they got every detail. What a great casting choice there. Then we have a thorough examination of his trauma and vendetta against Rollins. Those fight scenes were perfect and I loved every side-eye in the show. 
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4. Inej and Kaz moments were all here. We got a lot of their iconic scenes but not all of them and you bet I am waiting for season 3 to see where they develop things. So many times Kaz gave the “well obviously I’m in love with you” body language that accompanied something unhinged like firing her from the Crows to keep her safe. These actors understood the assignment. I love them and need more please and thank you. 
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5. Nina is my favorite. I can’t wait for her and Matthias to get together but she is still excellent and she at least got to eat waffles in this season so that’s something. 
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6. I am hoarding all the Nikolai and Zoya scenes but I do love what they got as individuals. Nikolai is a wonderful example of casting gone right. Perfect as both a second son and a chaotic pirate. Just yes.
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7. Alina is so much better in the show. It needs to be acknowledged. Also, great scenes with her and Mal. Small amounts of resentment between them because of her power is unfortunately book accurate, but it was more reasonable in the show if I’m honest. I also think her ending was interesting. I know we see her smiling at the end after the murder happens but honestly I don’t think that is an immediate red flag for her being a villain. She did prevent the deaths of everyone around her and they can do whatever they want with her next season. I think they will resolve it halfway through the next season honestly.
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8. Last for now, the addition of the sword heist was excellent. It did a lot to flesh out the rest of the world prior to the Six of Crows plot. I was also a big fan of the drug-based character development. Plus, it gave Waylan a chance to save the day. I like how it gave Nina and Zoya a chance to resolve their disagreements about leaving the army. It also gave us a Inej saves Kaz scene that was really important. It never existed in the books and was a great addition to the show. Big fan.
So I loved basically everything and I for sure missed some but here is my current list. I am really banking on the Tumblr gifsets and Tiktok fan edits to see me through (free idea for someone to do an edit of any of the crows but mostly Matthias to hozier’s eat your young please). Now I am waiting for an announcement where hopefully we are given a Season 3. Nothing is guaranteed these days but I love delusionally manifesting more content for the things I am invested in. 
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oh no worries at all!!! would just love to read more jealous zelda/ lilith cause you write them both so well😭 HANDS DOWN🙇🏻‍♀️
Since I have my hands full with ongoing wips I thought it would be a great idea to add a little os to the list; it took me like 20 minutes cause I was inspired tho! Canon complaint and jealousy angst because these two ladies call for power dynamics when a past relationship sex is implied. Slightly NSFW. Hope you like this!
From a dark corner in her room, Lilith is lurking. She’s watching Zelda get changed in perfect silence, her leopard shirt stained with dried blood, her hands and pencil skirt soiled with dirt; she looks exhausted with her hair disheveled, like she’s been through too much in too little time.
She looks like she’s in need of a good fuck and the burning pain of rejection makes Lilith even more ravenous to be the one who gets to wreck her. She waits for Zelda to remove her ruined clothes and only when she’s only in her lace bra and matching panties, she comes out from her hiding place.
“Excellent performance in the graveyard.” She asks, her voice low.
Zelda gasps, turning around with a sudden movement. Her green eyes shoot darts.
“What are you doing here?” She snarls, not even attempting to cover the body Lilith knows by the inch. “I thought I made it clear: we don’t need you.”
“Yes.” Lilith sighs dramatically, pacing around the room with the sole purpose of getting closer to the witch without looking threatening. “You abandoned me when I most needed you; you worship Hecate now.”
“Jealous?” Zelda asks and, not satisfied, she has the audacity to chuckle.
Lilith all but glares at her. Yes, she is jealous. Yes, she feels betrayed not only because Zelda has fooled her with the illusion of a Church of Lilith in her name, choosing another deity to pay to, but because she’s also betrayed their unspoken path of being allies and casual sex partners since the night of the exorcism.
The truth is that Lilith wants to make her pay for her betrayal. The truth is also that she needs Zelda to rise again, defeat the Dark Lord and claim the crown.
She walks around her, gazing at her in a predatory manner. She makes sure Zelda can feel her hot breath against the back of her neck, the warmth of her skin lapping at her bare back; Lilith draws impossibly close but never enough to touch her.
“Tell me, Zelda, what does she give you that I didn’t?”
“She gives us protection.” The witch breathes out and it’s clear that her voice is already affected. Maybe she feels guilty and tries to hide it behind her proverbial pride, maybe her memory is flooded with images of the past, of their long nights of sex. “She brought Hilda back.”
“Don’t you think I should get a thank you for that?” Lilith purrs, stopping right behind her. They’re almost the same height, and still, it feels like the demoness is towering over her.
“Whatever for?”
“When you call upon Hecate, you call upon the very source of witchcraft.” Finally, she touched her neck, pushing away red tresses off Zelda’s shoulder. Her breath is hot against her skin. “Since I was the first witch, you call upon me.”
“Hecate is above you.” The other replies, the struggle to keep her composure now clear in her voice; she shivers.
“Perhaps,” Lilith admits. “But I’m here and she’s not. Hecate is just an idea, something impalpable while me… I’m very much real. Besides, nobody can make you feel the way I do.”
Zelda can only close her eyes when she feels the demoness’ hands on her body. She squeezes one of her breasts possessively while the other hand crawls down her front, sliding inside her panties without warning. Her fingertips feel like liquid fire.
“Lilith-” It’s something between a gasp and a moan, maybe a pleading whimper to continue, and that’s what makes the demoness stop.
“Come back to me, Zelda. You know how sweet my gifts are.” She murmurs in her ears. Unhurriedly, she withdraws her hand, earning a discontent glare from Zelda and when she steps in front of her, Lilith smirks.
The witch swallows thickly, feeling the discomfort of the unsatisfied release twitch in her lower belly. Pride spikes inside her once again.
“What if I don’t want to worship you?” She challenges, lifting her chin.
Lilith loves how strong she is. She can already taste how powerful they can be together, if they only try for real, this time. But Lilith has begged her already, tasted humiliation on her tongue and it was intense and destructive just like the memory of Zelda’s fingers on her own body, and she won’t make the same mistake again.
“My patience is limited, I’d hate to see you fall by my hand when the time comes.” She warns, drawing so close to her that their mouths almost touch. Lilith bares her teeth, reminding the witch how sharp they are, proving to her that she won’t hesitate to use them, if necessary. She already did that in the past - even though in a different circumstance. She would love to do that again, taste the warm blood pouring from Zelda’s skin as she writhes and chase a release by Lilith’s hand. She hopes those days aren’t gone forever. “Remember, Zelda: soon, I will wear the crown I’m owed and on Doomsday, I will keep in mind those who wronged me. Don’t be amongst them or I swear you’ll burn through the flames of Hell until you recall to whom you belong.”
Lilith tried not to falter when Zelda’s eyes darkened considerably and her lips curled up into a daring smirk.
“I’d love to see you try.”
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beantothemax · 10 months
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(Behold. Four braincell au travel banter. No angst here :)))
“Similar Experiences”
Ritsu: “Defeating the Devil called Poverty” huh? Nice dream.
Partitio: Yeah. I heard of towns running dry but when no amount of stories could prepare me for when Orerush ran dry. It hit us all hard. Saw a lot of people lose their jobs and every day was a struggle to put Leaves on the table.
Ritsu: I hear you. I came from a poor family back in Ku. My mother died due to health complications and my father for a while was the main source of income. He died however to corrupt soldiers and soon I became my sister’s primary caretaker. If it weren’t for Hikari I believe I would still be at Ku struggling to feed Mikka.
Partitio: Looks like Poverty tried to kill the both of us.
Ritsu: Indeed. Unfortunately for it, we’re still here. I have no doubt that you’ll be able to bring riches to all families suffering under Poverty Partitio.
Partitio: Ehehe. Thank ye kindly Ritsu. I have no doubt that you’ll be able to lift up the lower class when you get back to Ku.
Ritsu: Hah. Let us hope so.
————————————
“Math Problems”
Rai Mei: Professor Vanstein, you are a mathematics professor correct?
Osvald: I used to be.
Rai Mei: But you still are an expert at mathematics.
Osvald: Of course. Just because I was imprisoned doesn’t mean my knowledge dulled.
Rai Mei: Excellent. I came to ask you for advice on a particular math problem I am having trouble on.
Osvald: Oh? Go on then.
Rai Mei: Well, suppose there is someone who is trying to flip off their spear onto the enemy. What would be the exact mathematics to do it?
Osvald: Well first that would depend on the height of both the spear and person, the person’s weight, the height of the enemy, and the height the person is flying. Do you have all those factors?
Rai Mei: …Not exactly.
Osvald: Ah. That makes it harder then. If you don’t mind, may I ask why you are interested in this problem?
Rai Mei: …It may be because I myself want to do this technique. I have tried doing it in the past but I often ended up missing or accidentally stabbing myself.
Osvald: …
Rai Mei: …
Rai Mei: Apologies I shouldn’t have asked you-
Osvald: Well it would be easier if you demonstrate this trick yourself. Provided without a spear first to collect the proper data without you stabbing yourself.
Rai Mei: !!!
Rai Mei: Of course Professor Vanstein! I’ll get started right away!
————————————
“Lonely”
Ochette: Mr Kazan are you lonely?
Kazan: Excuse me?
Ochette: Are you lonely? ‘Cause you smell lonely most of the time. That and sad. Kind of like how Temenos smells.
Kazan: Ah. Well not to worry Ochette. I assure you that I am a lot less lonely than I am before. But Ochette why-
Ochette: That’s good to hear! I don’t like the idea of you getting lonely! You’re super smart and clever! The idea that no one wants to be your friend is weird.
Kazan: …
Ochette: Mr Kazan are you okay? You’re crying.
Kazan: I- I’m just fine Ochette. Something just caught in my eye.
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“Siblings”
Ritsu: Kazan do you have any siblings?
Kazan: Oh? What brought this question on?
Ritsu: Well it’s just that you, Castti, and Osvald are usually the people to make sure we aren’t doing anything stupid. Well…until it’s you, me, and Rai Mei. Then Hikari is the one doing it.
Agnea: Yeah Kazan! You kind of radiate an older brother aura. Sort of like Ritsu!
Kazan: Do I? Well…I do have a younger sister.
Ritsu: And why haven’t we ever hear of this younger sister? I would have loved to meet her.
Kazan: That would be sue to me sending her away to get away from the wars of Ku. I didn’t want my sister to experience that.
Ritsu: …That makes sense. I probably would have done the same if I had enough money to do so.
Agnea: If Pala ever had to grow up in an environment like that I probably would do what you did. It isn’t the best solution but it’s the only thing you could do in those circumstances.
Ritsu: Do you still write to each other?
Kazan: Of course. It is, however hard to keep in touch with her moving out and about. Her job requires her to travel.
Agnea: Well, as long as you still keep in touch I think your bond will be strong as always. You’re a good brother Kazan.
Ritsu: Indeed. Perhaps when Ku is at peace, you can invite her over. I’m sure Mikka would be thrilled to meet her.
Agnea: Oh and if you don’t mind I want to invite Pala along! Fair warning though, she probably will go and flirt with your sisters if she thinks they’re pretty and ask them to be her wives!
Kazan: That sounds splendid. I’ll keep that in mind.
————————————
“Unit of Benkei”
Hikari: How many Benkeis do you think this Steam Engine would be? I have heard it was a powerful source but at the same time, Benkei is also powerful.
Ritsu: Hikari what the fuck are you talking about.
Kazan: Well I believe that its power would be at least 5 Benkeis. We’ve seen it in action. It’s only reasonable that 5 Benkeis would be the equivalent power.
Ritsu: Kazan????
Rai Mei: Hm. I actually think it would be 10 Benkeis. What we are seeing here is only industrialization for every day uses. If we go bigger then we surely will see incredible pieces of work that surpasses the strength of 10 Benkeis!
Ritsu: Rai Mei!!!????
Hikari: Surpassing 10 whole Benkeis!?
Kazan: Surpassing 10 whole Benkeis…
Rai Mei: Surpassing 10 whole Benkeis!!!
Ritsu: I hope all of you know that if Ku soldiers are in town, I’m turning the three of you in just because of this conversation.
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“Assurance”
Ritsu: Hikari, what was that back there in the Arena?
Hikari: Pardon?
Ritsu: Back in the arena, when you fought Zeto. You went and zoned out like you did in battles and started fighting like you were possessed.
Ritsu: It looked like you were going to kill him.
Hikari: Ah…
Hikari: There is an explanation for that but I’m afraid it’s quite difficult to explain and unbelievable. I don’t believe it’s a good time to tell you now sue to current circumstances.
Ritsu: That’s fine.
Ritsu: Just know that whatever it is, it won’t change the fact that you are my friend. I would still follow you no matter what you tell us.
Hikari: …Thank you Ritsu.
————————————
“Had we not met.”
Ori: I offer this gift of blood. May the flames turn cold and dark.
Kazan: There’s no need for that Ori.
Ori: I- Brother!? What are you doing here? Don’t you need to quench the flames at-
Kazan: I don’t think we need to do this anymore.
Ori: What do you mean?
Kazan: I mean we shouldn’t quench the Flames. We should let the world see another Dawn.
Ori: What!? But didn’t- Didn’t you say that the world was sick? Didn’t we see what the world did to what little we have? Didn’t we see what the world fought for? Oboro didn’t we see it all!?
Oboro: …We did. And I’m not saying I don’t think the world is perfect. It still is a cruel and unsightly world but it surprisingly isn’t all of that.
Oboro: There are people who unexpectedly try to make this world better. Who fight for a better tomorrow and try to genuinely make it better. Not because of fame, power, or wealth, but because it’s the right thing to do.
Oboro: Over my journey I found many people who are better than I thought them to be. Some of them were as evil as I thought but most were not what I first assumed.
Oboro: Most were just trying to get by in their own way. Trying to be better, to get through the day.
Ori: But- But we got this far! We can’t just stop now! Not when we’re so close!
Oboro: Ori I’m sorry but I don’t think this is the best solution anymore.
Ori: No. No that’s bullshit. You’re not my brother. You’re just- You’re just something that replaced him!
Oboro: Ori. Don’t do anything rash.
Ori: I offer this gift of blood! May the flames turn cold and dark and may darkness entomb the world!
Oboro: ORI-
KIWI THANK YOU FOR PUTTING MY DUMB IDEAS INTO TRAVEL BANTER FORM I LOVE THESE
RAI MEI ASKING OSVALD ABOUT THE MATHEMATICS OF DOING A KICKFLIPNIFF OF HER SOEAR….. she’s nothing if not dedicated
ritsu just being completely out of the loop while the other three all use Benkei as a unit of measurement like it’s completely normal is amazing I love love love this. surpassing ten whole benkeis!!!!
BDBSGGXG GC love agnea warning kazan that pala will try and flirt with ori the first chance she gets.
love kazan crying after ochette says one (1) nice thing to her. he’s just like me fr
oh. oh ok just read the last banter and. I’m sad now. ori saying that oboro isn’t her brother anymore… if you’ll excuse me I need to go cry in a pillow
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scribblesforthemad · 2 years
Text
There and Back Again - Part 21
Many, many thanks to @skyfall8600 whose excellent Sucked In series not only inspired this one, but brought me out of a years-long writing slump! The first few parts of this series are heavily inspired by her work, while diverging more significantly later on. Regardless, I wholeheartedly recommend her work, and thank her for allowing me to use a few of her excellent ideas!
series warnings: swearing, misogyny, canon-typical violence, fluff, insecurity; sfw but gets a little ~steamy~ in a couple places
part twenty-one warnings: swearing, discussion of canon-typical violence, discussion of period homophobia, kissing, angst, fluff
a/n: I managed to finally get out of a bit of a slump this weekend, and I'm really pleased with Part 21 as a result! Also please let me know if you're seeing my work in the tags--I think I might be shadowbanned, so any reblogging/commenting/promoting of this series would really help me out! (Also I just love hearing from y'all asdfhlaksjdfhas.) This part is partially dedicated to developing the friendship between Robin and reader, bc I love Robin and she deserves the whole world. Love to you all <3
taglist: @superflannel @kaitebugg03
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“I don’t like this,” you announced yet again, causing groans from the Winnebago’s various other passengers.
“We know, Y/N,” Dustin said, sprawling over the seat like a bad-tempered octopus. “But we need weapons and the War Zone has them. What else are we supposed to do?” You rolled your eyes in response, but internally, you had to concede the point. You did need weapons, and the huge, remote store was the best place any of you could think of to get them.
“I just don’t want you running into Jason and his psycho killers,” you said, shooting Eddie a dirty look. He grinned, but you could see the worry in his eyes. “Sue me for caring about you.”
Max snorted from her seat in the back.
“I do know a good lawyer. Just ask Steve,” she said, before resuming her gaze out the window. You smiled in spite of yourself, glad to see the girl’s spirits returning—even if it was only temporarily.
“I believe it,” you said, glancing toward Steve and Nancy in the front of the RV. Steve motioned broadly with his right hand as he drove, and Nancy smiled fondly at his words. You couldn’t make out everything over the sputter of the Winnebago’s engine, but you knew he was laying out his grand plans for six little nuggets and yearly summer road trips. You felt a pang in your chest as you worried for the both of you. For Steve, who didn’t know if he would ever get to have the girl of his dreams—and for you, who might have gained the love of your life only to watch him die that very night. You swallowed heavily, and Eddie looked up at the noise.
“You okay, Siren?” he asked softly, his chocolate eyes wide with concern as he bent toward you, placing a gentle hand on your back. You closed your eyes and nodded, savoring the warmth of his touch. Who knew how many more times you would feel it?
By the time Steve pulled into the War Zone’s bustling parking lot, your heart was beating in time with your racing thoughts. What if Jason was in there? What if he went further than he had in the show? What if—
“We’ll be right back,” Nancy said, interrupting your reverie. “You two stay low—we don’t want to give anyone a reason to look too closely.” You gave her a small nod, and she turned on her heel, heading for the store entrance while the others trailed her like a row of ducklings. As the last one out, Dustin gave you and Eddie a somber nod before closing the door behind him, leaving the two of you alone in the RV.
Minutes passed. You chewed your bottom lip nervously, your left leg bouncing involuntarily as you tried and failed to think of anything besides the events of the coming night. Across the aisle, movement caught your attention. Your head shot up suddenly, looking for the source of the motion—and saw Eddie’s hand waving slowly in front of your face. Relaxing your shoulders, you let out a sigh of relief. It was only Eddie.
“Piece of gold for your thoughts?”
You raised your eyebrows, a small smile playing across your lips in spite of everything.
“I believe the phrase is ‘Penny for your thoughts,’ babe,” you said, evading the question. Eddie smirked, but didn’t take his eyes off of yours.
“Maybe for regular mortals,” he said confidently, folding his legs to sit cross-legged on the narrow bench. “But I figure that’s too cheap for your thoughts, princess. Yours oughta be worth at least a couple pieces of gold.” His lopsided grin made your heart flutter in your chest, and a warm blush spread across your cheeks.
“Oh, hush,” you said, not meaning it in the slightest. “You’re so dramatic, Munson.”
“Yeah, well,” he said breezily, lacing his hands behind his head. “We can’t all be bewitching siren queens or sword-swinging heroes, L/N. Gotta leave something for us court jesters.” He winked at you conspiratorially, but you didn’t smile. Something about his tone bothered you; though it was light on the surface, you could sense an undercurrent of bitterness—like he really believed he was nothing more than a jester, than an outlandish bit of entertainment for others to glance at and then forget. It nearly broke your heart.
“Don’t say that, Eddie,” you said quietly, rubbing your face tiredly with one hand.
“Say what?” he asked with confusion, leaning toward you with concern, his hands moving to rest on your knees. His big, brown eyes were quizzical, truly not understanding why you were upset.
“That you’re not a hero. It’s not true, and I can’t stand to hear you say it, not when—” you stopped yourself before you went further, a strangled sob rising in your throat. God, you were so, so scared.
“Not when what?” Eddie asked softly, tilting his head as he looked down at you, taking your small, soft hands into his large, calloused ones. You sniffled, taking several deep breaths as you tried to calm the storm of emotions roiling inside you. When you felt you could speak again, you looked into the deep brown eyes you’d fallen for since that first scene in the cafeteria. You took another deep breath.
“In the show,” you whispered, your eyes flicking down as your confidence wavered. “That what you said in the show, right before—”
You couldn’t finish the sentence, but it didn’t matter. When you looked at him again, Eddie’s gaze had changed. He looked more somber now, taking in the full impact of your words—but his hold on your hands never wavered. The steady pressure continued, as warm and strong as it always had been.
It amazed you how much he was focused on you in this moment—he’d just been told some of his last words, which would be spoken that very evening, and yet he was focused entirely on you. He was scared, sure, that much was obvious. But he didn’t let the fear consume him, or direct his actions, or do anything other than fuel his empathy for you. He was so much stronger than he believed; not an all-powerful comic-book hero saving the day with a roundhouse kick, but an everyday hero. A you’re-too-tired-from-work-so-I’ll-do-the-dishes, make-stupid-jokes-when-you’re-anxious, take-in-and-look-after-every-high-school-outcast kind of hero.
A real hero.
 “I love you,” you said, the words spilling from your lips before you could really think about it.
Eddie’s head shot up, his eyes widening with shock at your words. You blushed deeply at his reaction, hoping he didn’t think you were crazy, saying “I love you” after only a few days of being together. But the words were true, and you couldn’t—and wouldn’t—take them back.
“Sorry, I know it’s soon, but it’s true, and I’m just so scared for tonight, and Eddie—” Your voice broke on his name, and you looked pleadingly into his eyes. “Please, Eddie, promise me you won’t do anything stupid tonight. I love you so much, and I can’t—I can’t lose you,” you begged, your voice trailing into a ragged whisper. “I just can’t.”
Eddie’s face was still blank with shock that quickly morphed into bewilderment. He cupper your face in his hands, his eyes wide as he looked at you like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. Like a thing so precious couldn’t possibly be his.
“Say something,” you whispered, your stomach twisting in knots at his silence. The afternoon light filtered through the curtains behind him, nearly forming a halo over his dark curls. You held your breath, your subconscious taking a moment to appreciate his beauty while your conscious mind was frozen with anticipation.
“I—I love you too, Y/N,” he finally stammered, an incredulous smile breaking across his face, making him look even more angelic. “More than I can say, hell—more than I thought was possible.” His voice grew huskier as emotion welled up in his throat. “I promise I’m not going anywhere. I’d spend the next fifty years doing only sensible things if it meant I could spend them with you.” Your heart swelled at his words, and you allowed yourself to hope for the first time in days. It felt like the first breath of air after a long and treacherous swim. “My Siren,” he whispered, drawing you toward him and resting his forehead on yours.
The kiss you shared next drove all thoughts of bats and spells and monsters from your mind, leaving only Eddie.
Only Eddie.
*             *             *                                              
The drive to the empty field was a short one, through a landscape just starting to acknowledge the coming of spring. Tiny patches of spring beauties and carpets of deadnettles dotted the emerging green with strokes of white and violet, shifting gently in the still-wintry wind. With the RV’s engine off, the afternoon was quieter than you’d expect, the insects not yet hatched and the birds still roosting in their warmer winter climes.
In fact, as you sat near the Winnebago with Robin, the only noise you heard was the playful fighting of Eddie and Dustin fifty yards away, charging and tackling each other before wielding sticks as imaginary longswords. You smiled gently as you watched them, loving the way Eddie instinctually put everyone at ease with his antics. The fondness you felt was so overwhelming, you didn’t even notice Robin staring until she spoke in your ear.
“You’ve really got it bad, huh?” she asked, nodding toward Eddie and Dustin, who were now mounting a valiant assault on the Sinclairs’ spear-making camp. You bit your lip, both embarrassed and happy to have been caught.
“Yeah,” you said simply, a bashful grin forming on your reddened face. “I really, really do. Lucky for me, he does too. Though I have no idea what I did to deserve it.” You gave Eddie one more fond look before turning to face Robin, who you were surprised to see was nearly on the verge of tears. “Hey, hey, hey,” you said soothingly, concern filling your voice as you reached for her, stroking her arms gently as she looked at you through glassy eyes. Your heart ached as you realized what was wrong. After all, you’d watched happy couples for years, forcing yourself to smile through the pain that came with observing the happiness you couldn’t have for yourself.
“I feel like such an idiot,” Robin said, pulling her arms from your grasp and crossing them protectively over her chest. “Like, in the face of the world ending, the stakes of my love life feel spectacularly low.” She let out a pained laugh. “And yet, I still can’t get her stupid laugh out of my head. Only it’s not stupid, its wonderful, and I could spend the rest of my natural life listening to it.” She swallowed hard. “Not that that’s likely to be very long, anyway.” Your gaze softened as you looked at your friend, the one who’d welcomed you from the start and treated you like a real, human person instead of an interdimensional freak. You took a deep breath. Fuck time paradoxes. Robin needed you.
“I can’t pretend like I know exactly what you’re going through, or that it will all magically get better and people will stop being assholes.” You took your hand in hers, causing her to look you in the eye as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “But I promise you, it does get easier.” You took a deep breath, trying to find the right words, the ones that would give even a glimmer of hope. “Like, 2022 is really, really far from perfect, and there’s still definitely homophobia, but it’s a lot less…blatant than it is now. Most of my friends came out in high school,” you said, smiling as you thought of them, “and no one gave a shit at all. A couple of them even went to prom together—slow-danced in the gym and everything.”
Robin’s eyes were wide with awe and longing, a flicker of hope stirring behind her tear-filled eyes. You glanced down at your feet, shifting your weight uncomfortably on the overturned plastic bucket.
Suddenly, there were wiry arms being thrown around your neck, holding you tighter than was strictly comfortable, but you didn’t mind. You wrapped your arms around Robin, returning the hug with a fierceness that surprised even you. Over the past month, Robin had grown into one of the best and closest friends you’d ever had. You’d shared laughter, and fear, and boredom; played pranks on Steve and plotted world-saving schemes on the weekends. Now, you were preparing for the final battle—the one that would decide if you’d done any good in Hawkins, Indiana.
And there was no one you’d rather have fighting by your side.
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lovecolibri · 1 year
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SaL anon here friend and this week's song was a STRUGGLE!! There were so many good ones to choose from, so I'll tell you how I narrowed it down (which literally no one but you might care about). First, i wanted something that felt mostly joyous, because that was how the episode ended, on a note of mutual healing and peace. Second, i wanted something that could apply to either TK or Carlos since their issues were ultimately the same this time, wrestling with needing "fixing" and how they both
ended up being the other's source of healing. So with that in mind, i went this week with One. We've mentioned before how intense Ryan's elongated "i" in the when he sings just hits so many feelings. And with lyrics like "every imperfection is a lie" and "the price of this so called perfection is everything" and of course the chorus (whether you take grace to be religious or something simple like understanding). It's about letting yourself be a mess and it felt appropriate.
Hi my friend! I am banging this out before bed because I promised it would be done before the episode tomorrow and this is the first chance I've had since you sent it. I think this is an excellent choice and I love your reasoning on how you narrowed it down! With all the angst it looks like Tarlos will be having in the next couple weeks, I think picking a thoughtful but ultimately joyful song was the right choice. So let’s dig in!
hold on for a minute, ‘cause i believe that we can fix this over time, that every imperfection is a lie. or at least an interruption... now hold on, let me finish. no, i’m not saying perfect exists in this life, but we’ll only know for certain if we try.
Okay, I adore Carlos, but while he seemed so put together in season 1, we’ve seen over time how he has this need for control and a...I wouldn’t say “obsession” but a fixation on presenting a perfect image to the world. Which given he’s a gay Latino in Texas isn’t surprising since he likely had to be twice as good as everyone to be half as respected, plus his dad definitely added pressure to live up to a certain standard, and still seemed to think it wasn’t enough and Carlos wasn’t cut out for the job he has as an officer much less his dream of detective. So this song is really such a good one for him especially (also, ones being that type A personality, the  C Major key, 120pbm tempo, and the percussion being made with household cleaning tools all just fit so well!). However we see a lot of TK also putting up that “front” of perfection, starting at the 126 and pretending everything was fine and finding out 3 episodes in that he’s just been totally numb but has been masking it from everyone. Where Carlos falls on the “I can’t let anyone know I’m not perfect at all times” side of striving for perfection, TK falls on the “everyone KNOWS I’m a mess, so I have to constantly be proving myself” side. Two sides of the same coin really. Which leads us nicely into the chorus!
i want to sing a song worth singing, i’ll write an anthem worth repeating. i want to feel the transformation, the melody of reformation.
WOW is this a good fit for these two! Both of them want to leave a lasting impression, to feel like they’ve done something worth remembering, and also they are both seeking transformation in this front of being perfect. Carlos, from what he perceives is, if not a full rejection then certainly not a celebration and acceptance, of his identity, and TK from his addiction and the person he was under the influence. 
but the list goes on forever, of all the ways i could be better, in my mind. as if i could earn God’s favor given time, or at least “congratulations”...
now, i have learned my lesson; the price of this so-called perfection is everything. i’ve spent my whole life searching desperately to find out that grace requires nothing of me.
*cries in Tarols* The way both of them keep doing amazing things and keep thinking it’s not enough, it will never be enough to “make up” for who they are...brb gotta go cry into a pillow for an hour about them. BUT we are starting to see that growth for them and how they have learned that the front they’ve put up of perfection was keeping them from being truly seen by their partner and ultimately they lost each other over it with the breakup that started s3. Now you KNOW those last two lines are some of my favorites and I get chills every time, and this time is no different! 4x02 showed us the two of them on the same page, being vulnerable with each other without it being A Big Event, just being able to talk things out and move forward and I love, love, love that for them and for us!
i want to sing a song worth singing, i’ll write an anthem worth repeating. i want to feel the transformation, the melody of reformation.
i’ll hold it all more loosely, and yet somehow much more dearly, ‘cause i’ve spent my whole life searching desperately to find out that grace requires nothing. grace requires nothing of me.
We have seen several seasons of TK being so scared to lose Carlos and while I think we are going to see both of them being tested this week and next, it was so, so, so good to see Carlos drop SUCH a huge bombshell on TK and to see TK take it in stride and make sure Carlos felt heard, and supported, and loved, but he didn’t shy away from sharing his insecurities when they did come up. Carlos for his part WAS worried about telling TK and we know TK stepping back from the relationship has been an issue for them before, but he still did it and it actually went really well! We are seeing the growth even from s3 and the sponsor situation where they are holding their relationship “more loosely, and yet somehow much more dearly” because they have gotten to the point where they aren’t clinging on for dear life just hoping it was enough. They are confident that what they have built is REAL and STRONG and they know what they want moving forward. 
This song isn’t long but it has such depth and feeling and the gentle vulnerability of “i’ve spent my whole life searching desperately to find out that grace requires nothing of me” just strikes me down every time. It’s about the acceptance that you don’t HAVE to be perfect all the time and the ones that love you, love ALL the parts of you, without you having to “polish” or “tidy” them up. And for two men who have spent their lives trying to live up to certain expectations, it must be such a relief that they’ve found a relationship they can find rest in, and where they can be themselves and know they are loved.
It’s past my bedtime now so I’ll wrap it up, but this was SUCH a good choice for this week, and I hope that whatever happens in the rest of the season reinforces this idea for them that they are enough as they are. Thanks for facing The Struggle and picking the perfect song for this week. Cheers to the new episode tomorrow and fingers crossed for some delicious angst!
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mejomonster · 1 year
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Grade these fanfiction tropes!
-Amnesia
-i forgot what it's called but the trope of accidentally ingesting or inhaling a drug that turns the character lustful
LOVE AMNESIA FICS IF EITHER A. AMNESIA MAKES SENSE FOR CHARACTER (in the end 90% of my fanfic preferences boil down to "if it's in character it's good, if it isn't something they'd likely go through boo" unless it's a quite unique idea or well written enough to tempt me). Or B. It's sort of a very temporary Tabula Rasa "short term" type amnesia because that can be very funny or interesting exploration and if it is angsty its temporary. (I say this but I've written... the long angsty kind).
I'll say A-B grade. I don't look for it unless the source characters already got amnesia like Zhang Qiling or Zhao Yunlan (of past lives), because I really like canon compliant/adjacent/divergent fic so it's playing with a character situation they already had. (I do get my heart desperately broken searching for both those characters amnesia fics ToT). But it's a B if it's for anything else - I like it and I'll read it but it's not Absolutely My Jam always.
X
Sex Pollen trope I think is what you're looking for? Grade A+++ showstopping. Amazing. Incredible. A classic from Star Trek TOS Pon Farr episode that I'd now like to see played with for fun wherever people fancy to explore (whether that's crack comedy to angst realism I'm fascinated where people go with it). Considering rhe intense amounts of tentacles grabbing Wu Xie in dmbj, a spore thing impregnating him, and every other canon batshit Wild thing that can happen in dmbj
(if you said the iron Triangle met an alien, stole it's ship, met Spock, Pangzi married T'Pring, Zhang Qiling punched Dr. MCcoy out. Then Captain Kirk dropped them home in a rush into America Washington DC and Pangzi ran into Krychek from X Files and made a hush hush shady deal for some cold sexy cash? I would believe u. I would say yep, canon compliant. Anything is probably canon compliant... except San shu being a good uncle and apologizing to wu xie for all the fucked up shit. But hey idk I haven't read Everything, maybe one day that awful uncle Does apologize and Wu Xie goes to therapy about it???... I doubt it but hey. Canon divergent if not compliant, probably, something changed so San Shu would do such a thing.) My point is sex pollen is absolutely well within the dmbj wheelhouse of batshit weird sci fi horror esque bullshit and I'm frankly a bit shocked there's not at least a heap more tentacle sex and sex pollen fics. And if there are more than I think, then I'd like links/recs ToT
Adjacent to the something makes characters magically horny trope? I'm also quite fond of any Wild Trope used in a fic for the hell of it especially if it's a canon compliant/adjacent/divergent fic (or such a fic but comedy crack). Like dmbj and Guardian and Star Trek are Excellent fandoms to play with fun bizarre ideas since you could argue its "just another day they likely had I guess." Shen Wri turns into a kitty cat and Zhao Yunlan takes care of his boy? Some Dixingren turned him. Wu Xie has time traveled? Sure, he went the wrong direction and ended up 1000 years in the past why the fuck not. Spock is now inside someone else's body? Well he's already been in McCoys! Might as well right any body switch of your dreams!! Hei Xiazi's a vampire?! Well maybe he's always been and just didn't bring it up! ToT. Zhang Qiling jumped universes to an alternate reality where "insert your dream AU here"? Sure, he can't always remember stuff, for all we know this has happened before and Will happen again. I just love the kinds of stories where wild tropes are just very easy to insert amd play with regular canon.
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