#I don't think I'm ever getting closure...and I just need someone to know whenever... I'm gonna eat cheesecake now...

[yourantag]

Glass Heart (Ithaqua×Reader)

AN: I love me my different perspectives. So, here is the Ithaqua POV/continuation of "Paper Stars." It comes with the last of my sanity :) Word count: 2.5k words Summary: He can't love you. He said it specifically that way because it would be a lie if he ever said that he didn't love you. Ithaqua could never not love you. Even when he loves you enough to make his glass heart shatter, he won't stop. Even as he cuts his fingers putting it back together, he can't stop loving you, just as he can't love you.

When he first met you, Ithaqua's first thought was simple.

'Ugh, a stunner.'

Certainly not the most romantic thought in the world, but he is a hunter after all. Besides, you made the match quite difficult with your abilities, so could you really blame him?

Despite his annoyance, Ithaqua (begrudgingly) respected your skills. You hadn't been at the manor long, barely having arrived before him, yet you had already seemingly mastered your abilities and understood the game well. It made him a bit curious, since most who entered the manor fumbled at the start. Such high adaptive capabilities matched with a kind heart and intelligent mind rarely appeared naturally. 

Besides that, this was Oletus manor. No one who came here, willingly or unwillingly, was truly normal. They were unfortunate, greedy, foolish, or naive, if not all at once usually. Their stories, which they seldom shared, were one's that people could only say are pitiful, really. 

So, what are you? Another greedy soul who wished for gold, glory, and more? Perhaps you were someone seeking repentance for their past sins, or a way to forget them? Were you seeking closure from the loss of a loved one? Or, maybe, you were here for revenge?

Interestingly, as he came to get to know you, he found that you weren’t any of them at all. You had come to the manor to find yourself, as you had lost most of your memories due to a horrible accident.

"It's weird." You had said. "Being surrounded by people who apparently know me, yet I don't know them much, if at all. They keep telling me I should like this or hate that, but... that's not who I am now. I guess what I wanted most was to know who I was before, not to become them, but to understand. Understand who it is they miss. It's weird to miss someone who's right in front of you, but in a way, the old me died that day, and now, I'm here. Shouldn't I at least try to be empathetic to those who were close to me?"

It's stupid, he thinks, that those close to you hurt you, ripping you apart to find any shred of the "you" they once knew. Certainly, it's heartbreaking to have someone you love forget you, but hurting them won't bring back their memories. Ithaqua can't understand why they would rather mourn the you that's gone than to love the you that's here now. Instead of thinking about all the memories you had lost, it would be better to treasure the time they had with you and make new ones.

Perhaps it's just human nature to be stuck in the past, to mourn what they had, to lust for more than they need.

Regardless, Ithaqua found that you were lovely just the way you were. Even as pieces of your memories came back, as you started to grow more aware of your habits and why you did them, you were still you. You shared with him sometimes the memories that came back, smiling as you fiddled with another paper star you made.

"A friend once told me that if I make a thousand paper stars, I can get a wish fulfilled!" 

"Well then, I suppose you'll get that wish quite soon. You've been making those absent-mindedly for quite a while."

You had smiled, a proud one that lit up your whole face. You proclaimed you would make a thousand jars of a thousand paper stars. After all, a thousand stars for a wish seems quite cheap, even if this is all superstition.

Whenever Ithaqua remembers that moment, he can't help but smile. Such determination for something you weren't even sure was going to work. Childish, yet that flickering hope was too brilliant for him to willingly extinguish. So, he didn't, watching and sometimes even helping to grow your collection of stars. 

Many years passed, and as the days flew by, Ithaqua couldn't quite hide the feelings that had started to take root in his chest. They were beautiful and complicated, making him lose his cool and fumble where he usually wouldn't. They were odd, they were powerful, and they were so painfully human.

Ithaqua didn't think he was capable of being human again before he met you.

His glass heart, once perfect and whole, had shattered the same day his mother was ripped away from him. With that, all of his reason and humanity had left him. Ithaqua became a monster that hunted down everyone who dared hurt his mother, was even remotely involved. It didn't matter who they were; for as long as they assisted in hurting him and his family, they were dead.

Yet, as revenge tends to do, it left him empty and cold once he had acquired it. The flames of anger and hatred quietly burned out as all that remained was sorrow. Beneath his desire for vengeance was a boy who simply wanted his mother back. However, lost lives could never come back, and even if they could, Ithaqua didn't know if he had the courage to look his mother in the eye after all he had done.

When he had told you this, his sins laid bare before your eyes, you hugged him. No fear touched you, nor did any feelings of hatred or disgust. If anything, you looked like you were in pain. It was the first time in his life Ithaqua ever experienced someone being angry on his behalf, who saw who he was and sought to understand rather than to judge. 

Perhaps his sins were unforgivable, he knew they weren't one's he could easily cleanse, but when you held him and told him you loved him regardless, he felt that he'd do whatever it takes to be forgiven. Ithaqua thought that, if he repented and were one day forgiven, he would then at least have the right to one day tell you how much he loved you. Would you wait until that day? His heart made of glass, fragile as ever, felt like it healed at the mere thought.

However, life isn't so kind as to offer you the time to do all that you wish. It marches on ruthlessly and takes with it people, places, and memories.

It was an accident, but he overheard it.

"I can't wait to leave the manor."

Of course you would want to leave. Ithaqua would never hold it against you to want to leave. After all, for as long as you resided within the manor, the chances of you being pulled into a match was practically 100%. It was better if you left the manor. 

Yet, he forgot one crucial detail.

One day, you will be able to leave the manor. Ithaqua, however, would never be able to leave the manor, not alive at least. Hunters were those who were long dead, immortal, or the like. Ithaqua was someone who was both mortal yet immortal, therefore unable to leave. Hunters could only leave either by moving on to the afterlife or by going to their special realms. Therefore, Ithaqua would never quite be able to stand by your side no matter what he chose to become.

It was a terrible truth, one only he would know. The other hunters would say it'd be fine if they knew, but he felt it was not. The only way for the two of you to be together is if you stayed in the manor, and that isn't something either or you want. Ithaqua could never ask you to suffer so he could keep you by his side. He would rather live his life without you if it means you'd be happy.

He loves you. He can't help but love you. But if it means you'll suffer, he can't love you. Ithaqua refuses to be the reason you suffer, even if it means breaking his glass heart with his own hands.

So, he starts acting as if he's blind and deaf. Ithaqua is by no means an idiot, nor is he oblivious, but he can certainly pretend he is. Even as you stare at him with love and adoration, even as you grow more comfortable with him, even as you clearly show that you're in love with him as much as he is with you, he can't. Though his heart beats for you, his mind will not allow it to do anything beyond that.

He wants to hold you, press his hands into your cheeks and watch you flounder in confusion, wants to kiss words of affection onto every inch of your skin until you realize that you are loved, but he cannot.

Ithaqua can't love you, yet he can't stop loving you. He knows this is hurting you just like it's hurting him, but what else can he do? He can't let you know the truth, he knows you'd certainly stay if you did. That is the worst case scenario, truly. So, to protect you, he must hurt you. 

How cruel.

The cruelest thing, however, is how the marching of time finally comes to knock on his door, informing him his time with you is over. You are to leave him in barely a day.

The first feeling that bubbles up is relief. You'll finally be free, you'll finally be safe. He says he's happy for you when you tell him, and he means it. It's only once you leave that the other feelings boil over.

Grief, longing, anger, and pain. They overwhelm him from the inside out, crushing his poor, poor heart as he weather's the storm of his emotions. For a moment, a moment of intense weakness, Ithaqua considers asking you to stay. To ask you to stay by him and don't leave him please don't leave him he'll do anything just please-

But he knows he can't. 

When you finally leave, when he feels you slip from his grasp like sand slipping through fingers, he has to stop himself from reaching out. Ithaqua can only let himself mourn as he has lost the person he has loved the most once again, this time truly and wholly due to himself.

Then, he discovers the messages. Well, more like memos. He breaks apart star after star, reading sentence upon sentence, forming what he can only describe as the most terribly beautiful thing he's ever seen. Each star marks the feelings you felt, the Ithaqua you saw and loved. 

It's painful. So, so very painful, to see through your eyes who he was and how much you loved him. A galaxy of "I love you's" you never said, confessions and prayers littering a milky way formed from stardust and dedication. The heart crushing mess that tore you up inside as you tried to contain it longer and longer, forming paper stars in its wake. The only remnants of you, the only proof of your pain and affection.

Then, he remembers.

"I'll make a thousand jars of a thousand paper stars. I'll fill loads of bottles and jars, put them everywhere in my room, and get a wish! What do you think, Ithaqua?"

Never in his life was Ithaqua more glad to have the wind at his beck and call.

He ran down halls, climbed up stairs, and passed seemingly millions of windows and doors. The whistling of the whipping wind seemed to beckon him, begging him to run faster. He wound around corners, barely missing the remaining hunters and survivors, before finally, at last, he arrived at his destination. 

Your room.

As he lifts his hand up to open the door, he hesitates. Ithaqua rests his hand on the handle, pursing his lips as he wonders if this is a good idea. Certainly, knowing everything that you felt will bring him more pain. It will bring him closure, perhaps, but truly, nothing could be worth the heartache he'll feel.

However, turning away now would be the same as turning away from you. He'd be turning away from the truth, from the fact that he had a chance with you, yet was too cowardly to try and keep you by his side, to make it work somehow. Even if the world is not ideal, when it's for the person you love, you can compromise and make almost anything happen.

So, he opens the door, finding it much emptier than the last time he visited. Photos and clothes, little knick knacks and trinkets that once filled your room are missing, taking with it the feel of home. All that remains are the bare furniture and the bottles and jars of paper stars.

It started slowly, Ithaqua opening the containers on your table. Then, mere moments later, he was opening hundreds upon hundreds of jars, bottle after bottle, pouring out the universe and its secrets upon the table as he opened star upon star. Depending on how long you had been at the manor when creating them, the feelings differed, as did the colors.

Frantically, desperately, Ithaqua read through the fine texts, each word stabbing into him worse than the last. The first stars he had read from were the most recent. The further back in time he went, the less hopeless, pained, and tearful they were. The further he went back, the more lovesick your words became.

"Today, Ithaqua tripped and fell like a baby fawn on ice. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen, yet somehow he still managed to look attractive while doing so. This is absolutely unfair!"

"With eyes like the abyss, hair like platinum, and a smile both mischievous and kind, Ithaqua is someone even Aphrodite can't help but adore."

"I didn't think I'd ever fall in love at first sight, but when it's someone with witty humor, the most charming laugh, and heartwarming nature, how could I not? Ithaqua is akin to what love-struck poets would write sonnets about."

Ithaqua is drowning in affection, the night sky within his hands suffocating him with each earnest whisper of love. Like prayers upon the wind, sweet and sincere and so very innocent, they tell him every word of worship that had passed through your mind, forming sentences upon sentences on delicate paper.

His shoulders shake and shiver, his hands crumpling paper despite his best efforts. Tears fall with renewed vigor, as though the ones he'd shed when you left hadn't happened at all. The ache in his chest hurts in a way he never thought possible, burning yet cold, numb yet all too much.

For the third time in his life, Ithaqua feels his heart shatter.

He begs and he pleads under his breath, sobs breaking through his words while one hand clutches where his heart should be. Ithaqua grits his teeth as he thinks of all that could've been, of all that had happened, the pain he'd given to both you and him when it could've been love instead.

Throughout his breakdown, Ithaqua can't help but wonder if, instead of taking matters into his own hands, instead of not giving you a choice, instead of sabotaging himself, if he had loved you earnestly as himself, unabashedly, could things have been different? If he had asked you to stay, if he threw away his pride and asked like a priest on their knees, begging at the altar, could you have loved him now as he loves you?

#idv #identity v #identity 5 #idv ithaqua #ithaqua x reader #identity v fanfic #idv fanfic

[casual-tarot]

Closure on Your Situation

A song to listen to during this reading: Jacob and the Stone by Emile Mosseri

Pile 1

I'm hearing "burning briges." I think there's someone that was once very important to you that your cutting your of your life. Spirit is telling me that this had to happen, it was an inevitable change that was always going to be part of your journey. It's an ending that was always going to come, that was necessary, and that's ok. Good things will be coming.

Maybe that's what you needed to here, that this time in your life, as heartbreaking as it is, is making room for something new, better, to come in. Maybe you'll get a new job offer, or a raise/promotion, maybe you will meet someone new. No matter your situation, something good is coming, and you should be excited.

This person that you cut out from your life likely didn't have the best intentions, or maybe they just weren't right for this part of your journey. They needed to leave to make room for new things, or so universe could teach you some sort of lesson. Not in a malicious sort of way, I myself lost a friend recently, and I realized it was spirit's way of telling me that I needed to set firmer boundaries, which would in turn lead something new into my life(we share similar stories, maybe you needed hear mine, and thats why I was called to tell you.)

Either way pile 1, keep strong! Keep going! It's going to get better, bright things are on the horizon, remember that. You're likely still learning spirits lesson right now, if you need more clarification I recommend looking into other readings. Whatever it is, spirit is proud of you because you're growing! I hope this helped.

Confirmation and signs: taurus, Gemini, Neptune, trident, Virgo, Leo, water, fire, water and fire together(complimentary and opposed), opposites, opposing sides, north node, moon, 1, 11, 111, 1111, 7, 77, 777, 8, 88, 3, 33, 6

(Note: I completely forgot what image pile 1 was when doing this reading, so it makes even more sense now lol.)

Pile 2

I'm getting the vibe that you're leaving something behind, and that it's scaring you. Maybe you've decided to leave a job or a partner or maybe you've decided to move. No matter what it is, I think the thing scaring you is that the people in your life won't approve. Whatever you're leaving is likely "safe" in the sense that yes its easy, but it doesn't make you happy. Maybe you yourself are doubting your choices because of that same reason. Safe doesn't always mean good. Now I'm not saying to go and do anything too drastic, but sometimes being impulsive can be a good thing.

For example I have a friend that decided to leave our hometown and go live a couple cities over, even though her friends and family all mostly live over here. She seems happier then ever with her decision, and free. And we still get to see her whenever shes free(if thats something you're worried about, leaving your loved ones behind). Another, smaller example is that I had impulsively decided to cut my hair, despite knowing my old haircut made me look "prettier" and knowing I'd have to deal with my families reactions. I don't regret it, I love my hair now, it finally makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.

Excuse the rambling lol, I just felt called to tell you that, maybe you needed proof that it's all going to be ok. You need to do what makes you happy, not anybody else. You're the one who has to live with it after all. I choose the thing that makes you smile. I hope you get to be happy and confident in your choices like we were, pile 2. I'm rooting for you.

Confirmation and signs: losing or leaving a job, 111, Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn, Leo, Aries, Sagittarius, 333, 666, 888, 777, earth, pentacles, money, finances, financial gain or loss, fire, creativity, passion, wands, venus, Fertility, femininity, accepting yourself, confidence, venus in furs, loving yourself, sensuality, sexuality, Pluto, rebirth, transformation, coming into your own, caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly, change, the moons, Cresent moon, first quarter moon, taking action, controlling your own destiny/fate

(Note: While editing this, I realized I referred to you as pile 3 a couple times, maybe you felt drawn to that pile as well! Go check it out if you feel called to.)

Pile 3

(It's 11:11 as I write this)

You seem to be feeling extremely guilty about something, maybe leaving a situation or person behind. It could be quitting a job or getting out of a toxic friendship, either way you feel selfish and not worthy. I'm getting the feeling that you think this is all your fault, blaming yourself for everything. You don't even feel safe in your own head at night when you need to rest, where you feel like you should be able to sleep it off. Your plagued with thoughts of what you did "wrong" here.

Let me tell you something pile 3, you didn't do anything "wrong" here. Whatever this is that's plaguing your thought, it's not your fault. Whatever situation you left, you left for a good reason. It was no longer serving you and/or was actively hurting you.

I feel called to tell you a story from my own life. Recently, I lost a very close friend of mine. We suddenly grew apart and I was plagued with doubts, wondering if I had done something wrong, if it was my fault. It's been months since I left them and cut them out of my life, and now I realize it was them. They suddenly pulled away and made it so I felt guilty about it, made it seem like it was my fault. It wasn't, they were just being cruel, even though I don't think they intended to. But I needed that to happen, I needed to realize they were a toxic person in my life and to be free of them. Now I feel better then ever, and I feel bad for the past me, who thought it was all my fault. I felt so alone. I fell into a deep depression and wouldn't tell anyone what was going on until I had cut that person out. But I'm glad it went through it, because it made me better for it, it made life better for me.

And if, IF, for whatever reason, you think you did make a mistake, no if's and's or but's, then that's ok too. We are human. We make mistakes sometimes. It's ok. We can grow from that too.

I'm sorry you're going through whatever it is you're going through pile 3, but know that it's not your fault, and you didn't make a mistake. It's ok. You're growing, and that means change. It means growing pains. It means leaving things behind. You will get through this pile 3, even if it takes some time. You will become better from this. This isn't your fault.

Confirmation and signs: fall/autumn, winter, change, end, snow, falling leaves, changing leaves, grey skies and cloudy weather, Aries, cancer, Sagittarius, Libra, 333, 666, 444, 1111, 999, earth, pentacles, stars, stars in the night sky, twinkling/sparkling stars, crying, rain, creativity, sickness, bed rest, hospital, rivers and creeks, forests, fire and flames, passion, hope, it'll all get better, it'll all be ok, the moon, the night, the night sky, The moons spirit, the moon Goddess, New moon(that made me emotional lol), change, venus, accepting yourself, inner peace, Jupiter, fate/destiny, this was meant to happen, it will all come to fruition soon, it will all come to an end soon, don't blame yourself, change is coming,gifts from the universe, unexpected gifts, gifts disguised and tragedies.

(Note: I feel like you may have been called to pile 1, if so check that one out too.)

#hi im back lol #cant promise I wont disappear again lol sorryyyyy #tarot reading #tarot #intuition #witchblr #free tarot reading #tarot pac #tarot pick a card #tarot pick a pile #tarot tumblr #tarot tuesday #because i messed up and had to repost this #and i originally posted it on Tuesday lol #casual tarot reading

[twentytarot]

good morning, you have 1 unread message!

my pac tag | tell me about the reading, suggest new readings, tell me about your day

PILE ONE: BREAKFAST

someone would like to give you some advice, but they don't because they're afraid they might be overstepping. you might not be familiar enough with this person, and they don't want you to feel bad about yourself. you seem to currently be in some sort of conflict, one that has trapped you for quite a while now. this is likely about your family and career. you very much need to break away from something— both emotionally and physically— but you're not sure how. this person seems to feel some alone time and solitude would do you good. you haven't had much time to sort your thoughts out, have you? you just keep getting into these small fights that take up all of your brain power and energy, but the root problem remains.

this person sees huge potential in you. they feel like a mentor of some sort, maybe a counsellor, professor or your manager. they feel that once you ground yourself and set your priorities straight, you'll have a huge upgrade in your mental state and life, and this will give you the ability to also scale up at work. they want you to know that you shouldn't be sweating the small things (but they sympathise, and that's also part of why they have trouble telling you all of this).

lastly, they want you to know that you have a supporter in them, and they'll be happy to lend a hand whenever. they just think you would find them too invasive and weird, so they just watch you from afar. it doesn't seem they think you need help either, per se, but if they can give reassurance or pointers to make your life easier, they're more than happy to.

PILE TWO: ICED TEA

this person wants you to know that they can't help but feel inferior to you. this manifests in different ways for different people— for some of you, you may find that this person lashes out often to try and get you, or undermines you frequently. for others of you, this person has decided to avoid you completely. some of you may have even liked this person a lot in the beginning, but this person turned against you quickly. they'd like you to know, for the sake of closure, that they turned against you because they perceived this gap in strength and success too big for them to handle. ultimately it looks like they truly want the best for you, and so they'd rather just... leave instead of resent you.

this person strikes me as maturely immature, if you will— like they're still in their beginning stages of adult life and they don't have much figured out but they're self-aware enough to know that they're still immature. i think it's entirely possible that this person will return, but for now, it's probably best that you take care of yourself first, don't try and be any less of a queen because you're afraid of stealing limelight, embrace your abundance. this person wouldn't want you hung up on them, they hope and think you were never affected by their presence in your life in the first place, and although that isn't true, for now you'll just have to make peace with the facts. they don't realise the impact they had on your life; you don't know when you'll ever get the chance to tell them. if you need to, talk to your maternal role model, whether that's your mom or someone else, about it. wishing you the very best!

PILE THREE: MIFFY TEA

this person is referencing an event that may have happened when both of you were younger, or, at the very least, they were quite young when this event happened. they'd like to thank you for the wake up call you gave them, unintentionally or otherwise. yes, you fought, yes, it was ugly, but they learned a lot from it. for some of you, i'm feeling this may be your first ex. they feel lucky that it was you that appeared in their life when they needed someone to smack some sense into them. they're glad you made them make a choice and commit to it; even though they resisted in the beginning, now they understand that life without these hard choices and commitments is empty. they'd like you to know that they've grown a lot since then and they're so much more independent than who you knew them to be. they like to think you contributed to this, even if just a little.

i doubt the two of you are in contact anymore, and that's the biggest reason why this person won't tell you this personally— they can't. however, they think of your memory with a lot of fondness, and sometimes they wonder if you think they resent you for the fight that happened, and they really wish they could tell you that they don't; not at all. they're grateful for the opportunity to grow, and they feel everything that happened was meant to happen and it was for the best. they have so much love for you!

PILE FOUR: INSTANT NOODLES

hi, and welcome to the romance pile! high fives all around, bring it in. i was honestly getting worried that this entire PAC would just be filled with heavy messages, but the last 2 piles have been a lot lighter than the first two. now, let's get the obvious aside: someone has feelings for you but won't tell you because they are terrified. this person feels very put-together, like they're always capitalising the first letter in every sentence, even if they're just sending a casual text. they're not the kind to reach out for no reason, and so the two of you have probably not interacted as much as they would have liked. still, they think you're really cool and they like it when you're happy.

they biggest thing holding back is that they strongly feel something has to change for a romance to be able to blossom from this, and they suspect it's them. this is kind of two-fold because yes, they're probably not going to have a successful romance if they continue guarding their heart obsessively the way they're doing right now, but they don't actually have to change to be in a romantic relationship, they're just panicking. i'm a little all over the place typing this right now, so i think they are too. i don't think they even know what they want to tell you yet, they just threw this whole jumbled up mess into the universe and prayed for the best (are they me??? lol).

overall, no rush. they're not ready at all. with their anxious personality and tendency to overthink, it'll be a long time before they're ready to face you head-on. if you know who this person is, like them and don't mind making the first move you could go for it, but if you're not then you could just leave things as they are and watch. things are pretty up in the air and up to the two of you right now, i'm not seeing that much divine intervention at this point. good luck!

#pick a card reading #pick a card #pick a pile #free tarot reading #tarot reading #pick a pile reading #pick a deck

[officiallyisagibrainrotted]

---------------HOODIE--------------

Warnings: Gammer errors, sad/depressed reader, angst.

G:🍭(angst)

.(What's in pink are the lyrics to the song, I couldn't decide on who to base this story on so y'all can use y'all's imagination and or comment who you think is best suited.[It was supposed to be for Barou tbh]The lyrics to the song repeats itself so I bounced around a few times.)

It's been how long now? 3 weeks,3 months . You don't know nor do you care.All you know for sure is that he's gone and you're no longer the center of his life.You lay on you bed rolled up into a ball of depression

You'd probably think I was psychotic (if you knew)

You weren't crazy, it's what you told yourself over again, you were just attached

What I still got in my closet (sad but true)

You'd open your closet door and there it was staring back at you, it's grey color matching the current emotion you're feeling for still having this stuck in your closet. No one knew about this.

I slip it on over my shoulders

You would wear it whenever you feel yourself slipping away or need some kind of closure. And recently it seems like you've hardly ever taken it off.

Something I'll never get over,It makes me feel a little bit closer to you.

Whenever you put it on it reminds you of the first time he lent it to you, around the time you guys first started dating. You were shivering cold but he dropped his oversized jacket onto your shoulders and you instantly were mask in his scent . You never wanted to return it after that , no matter how many times he asked for it.

I can't keep your love, I can't keep your kiss

Your love is all gone , you took it with you out the door. But I still have this.

Gave you everything and all I got was this

All the love I gave you has been left behind.

I'm still rocking your hoodie.

Months after the break up you still desperately clung onto his hoodie. You'd swirl around your room , watching it dance over your thighs, you couldn't help but constantly think about how big it was on you . Most of the time you'd even go shopping in it, lolling around stores you guys would shop at.Stopping at every full body mirror and imagining him standing right next to you as you would tug at his hoodie for him to give it to you. Or as he's trying on a new hoodie youre already asking if you could barrow it for the weekend.

And chewing on the strings

He would always get mad at you for this,he'd Tell you how unsanitary that is, as he watch you nibble on the string attach to the hoodie. Or when you would return it and the string is wet. The strings to the hoodie now are all worn out now, of months of constant chewing as a comping mechanism.

It makes me think about you,So I wear it when I sleep.

It keeps you from going insane when the nights are cold and dark, lonely. From when he use to lay next to you , wide awake, as you'd be all snuggled up next to him. Inhaling his scent to help yourself out a bit more, snuggling yourself deeper into his warmth with ever little nook and cranny that goes bump in the night .

I kept the broken zipper

You remembered when the zipper popped off, and you were crying about it. He told you not to worry about it and that it's fine. And to just trash it . Which you did, but you found yourself rumbling through the trash that week of the break up desperately trying to find the tiny trinket

.I used to put my hand in your pockets

When my hands would get freezing cold, you'd look down at his hand and shyly sneak your hands into his.

The smell of your cologne is still on it (but you're still gone)

The strong smell of his cologne you remember he would spray on himself. But it's been months since the break up and the smell was wearing off.You didn't want that to happen, the hoodie just isn't the same without his smell!. Thankfully you remembered the name of the brand he uses and brought a few. And every now and then whenever the smell seem to be fading you'd drown yourself and the hoodie in it, making it perfect.

Someone I'll never get over.

He was your first real boyfriend and you thought for sure that you two would last, this wasn't some measly high school couple . You two actually had a concrete relationship. He was so respectful of you and your boundaries and he was so loving, in his own way. Arguments would hardly ever happen cause he doesn't ever want to raise his voice at you or appear as frightening.

Baby, even though it hurts Still rocking your.

All of these sweet memories are hurting you and clinging to this hoodie isn't making it any better. But you don't want to let go of it you're just going to bask in its warmth for just a little while longer. Just until you're fully stable.

If you want it Back If you want it back I'm here waiting Come take it back Come take it back.

The hoodie is now yours to keep, you declared to yourself. And if he really loves his hoodie then you'll be ready to give yourself back to him along with his hoodie. He can always have back his hoodie, just not without you that is.

#blue lock #blue lock x reader #blue lock x female reader #blue lock kunigami #blue lock rin #blue lock isagi #blue lock shidou #blue lock baro #blue lock sae #bllk #blue lock nagi #blue lock hyoma x reader #blue lock gagamaru #bachira meguru #blue lock kunigami x reader #blue lock isagi x female reader #blue lock baro x female reader #blue lock rin x female reader #blue lock Sae x female reader #blue lock oliver x female reader #blue lock x y/n #blue lock x you #blue lock x yandere reader #blue lock nagi seishiro #blue lock nagi x fem reader #blue lock noa #blue lock ness #blue lock lavinho x female reader #blue lock niko #blue lock Noa x female reader

[ttpdjo]

Thank you, I'm kinda sick of how most stancy stans only view the ship from Nancy's point of view. Like Steve is reduced to the better option for her, it's never discussed if Nancy is the right option for Steve.

Also, I think people overlook how Steve doesn't really know Nancy. Like you said, people in the show (and partially the fandom) put her on a pedestal. She can't do no wrong. And that's exactly how Steve sees her in s4. Nancy never gave him closure and indirectly blamed him for the breakup. She never came clean to him about her attraction to Jonathan or how she chose him as the second option in s1 at the end. So Steve had almost two years to think about it, he still only blames him, he puts Nancy on a pedestal because he doesn't know the truth because they never talked about it. So in s4 he is still in love with the romanticized version of her, not the actual Nancy. Steve wants someone who is 100% committed to him as well. He wants someone who loves him back. I don't think Nancy could be that person. Which is fine, btw. She deserves to be single first to figure things out because she's not a good gf rn. And sometimes being alone helps you grow, which she didn't quite do. (Like again making eyes at another person while your relationship is kinda struggling, it's s2 but reversed.) She needs to have a serious conversation with both boys. Steve deserves to know the truth so he can also have the right picture of her and then decide.

I have nothing against shipping stancy, I am however against putting nancy above him and acting like he would be lucky to even talk to her.

For me, what makes stancy appealing is the way he loves her. It's all over his face and actions and you just can't ignore that. I wouldn't mind them ending up together IF they treat them equally at least.

I don't think that he doesn't know her, but saying that he's still in love with the romanticized version of her actually makes sense. Because putting her on a pedestal is exactly what steve did when they were dating and I don't think he ever put her down.

That being said, none of nancy ships treated equally in the fandom/show. It's all about nancy and her needs. It's annoying.

They even put the blame on Steve as if she did anything to stop him from flirting. She's the one in a relationship, but sure Steve is so wrong for flirting with the girl who's drooling all over him.

Steve needs good friends to open his eyes. Everyone around him kept pushing him towards her in s4. Sure, Eddie didn't know but Robin must have known. It would be so much fun to watch her roast nancy like she did to Steve in s3. They even had a problem with that,( Robin and Eddie rooting for stancy) but not a word said against creepy murray for pushing two teens who he just met to have sex :) HYPOCRISY IS SO REAL.

Like you said, they need to have a serious conversation. She needs to express how she feels too because all we got from her emotions is headcanons/fan interpretations. If they're not gonna end up together that's fine but don't just make him the only one in the wrong or the only one with a heartbreak.

Anyways to stop myself from rambling more, I just love Steve and I want him to be treated right, and get as much as love he gives. He deserves someone in his corner, someone who undoubtedly is on his side no matter what and defends him even against himself sometimes. Someone who'll say " Dude. You deserve better. " whenever he needs to hear it.

Lol sorry if this is all over the place, I'm just so tired of seeing this. TREAT HIM RIGHT YOU COWARDS is all I wanna say.

#answered #steve harrington

[mskpassed]

I've stopped feeling like your friend a long time ago yet I still stick around

The amount of respect, admiration, infatuation I had for you is somewhat disappointing. It's not like we had a falling out, but it's also not like I feel there's any effort being made.

It's always the people I admire most, the ones I would do anything to be near - the ones who end up making me feel like being friends is simply a chore.

I've given up talking to you lately. I do it when I am too tired to think about how it's not worth it. You won't know it's about you, yet it will be in plain sight. I'm not one to call out people anymore, I don't want to make this all into a big mess with everyone and everything.

It's been too long to not write about this.

I want closure, yet I know there's none for me. There's nothing to tell me, nothing to explain to me.

I don't know if I am in the right to feel this way, I've been feeling like I'm just a lab rat. Nothing compared to who you might've thought I was.

The compliments I used to get from you would make me hopeful, but there's no point in trying when one can't feel the need to reconnect.

Everything is fine on one side of the page, yet the other side is all scribbled and damaged. Watch me become a broken pen, unusable. I'll be nothing to you, I won't be able to do anything for anyone.

I've ceased talking, ceased asking, ceased wondering. There's nothing to discuss other than how much longer will it take for me to just walk away or for you to forget I ever existed.

This is not the first time I've gone through this, yet I feel this won't be the last time either.

I would do so much for you, but karma seems to be by either of our sides.

My home is where I feel safe. A piece of it got retrieved from you a long time ago.

Would like to believe that I tried, because I guess I did.

Do you ever wonder on what terms we are?

Have I ever occupied a single one of your thoughts?

Was it all an act to make me feel like I mattered as a friend to someone who I respected more than I could respect others?

Must've gone from acceptance to grief once more. I never know when the time will just explode in our faces and show that we are no longer in contact.

Would've tried harder, but I've grown too tired of being sat away from my own emotions whenever I felt like it simply wasn't fair enough.

Maybe it was never meant to be.

Doomed from the beginning, easily breakable on paper, unable to work without more communication (which I guess we lack).

Not the end, though it might be best to let it all go.

Must've been a long walk down the road, nothing compares to others.

#journal #letters #livejournal #spilled ink #spilled poetry #spilled words #spilled writing #story #entry #journal entry #diary #diary entry #spilled thoughts #friendship #letter #confession #angst poetry #poetry #journal writing

[shinsukeee]

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝

"𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧' 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐰?"

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐨, 𝐅𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐞

Prim continues to rehearse in the room Diluc showed her earlier, struggling to find a song that could somehow fit the atmosphere and Mondstadt's vibes or agendas.

Hmm...what does Mondstadt...

She freezes as she remembers that song, it was...'her' favorite song. Prim could barely even remember anything or think of anything whenever Dandelions start playing, just remembering the girl she fell for.

"It wouldn't hurt, this could serve as my small step to closure...right?"

She hesitates as thoughts drown her once more, she closes her eyes and takes deep breaths.

"I think...I need fresh air..."

She slowly heads outside, telling one of the maids before heading somewhere in Dawn Winery. As she takes in the beautiful scenery, she slowly feels the pain leaving.

It'll continue hurting me like this until I truly get the closure...I want...

Just for me to remind myself that 'hey, you guys are friends now. No need to hold on to the past'

She hums as the breeze gently caresses her cheeks, feeling relaxed that somehow it made her calm. Grounded her more than anything and made her realize that she has to get over it somehow. After all, it's that girl's loss not hers. That girl lost someone who truly cared and dedicated themself to her despite seeing many beautiful girls and boys, Prim remained loyal and didn't care if the distance was too wide nor the wait would be longer than expected.

She sits on top of a hill nearby and hums.

"Every day we started fighting, every night we fell in love"

The pain kept clawing at her, as if telling her she deserves to feel it. She shouldn't move on from it, yet Prim ignores that and continues singing. The only way to calm her down.

"No one else could make me sadder, but no one else can lift me high above~"

She grips the clothing where her heart is, brows furrowing as the pain gets deeper and deeper. She had to let it out her chest, she's tired of crying. Tired of feeling like she should cry when no tears could ever come out. One where only a song could heal her a little, save her a little...a habit she used to have and escape reality's cruel reminders.

"I don't know what I was doing...when suddenly we fell apart~"

Back to December but I'd go back to November back when we were alright...

We fell in love in October...more like we fell apart in November...

Bound to falling apart...

Prim pushes those thoughts away and sings her heart out, only softly. It'd be rude to wake some people up at night just cause she's in pain.

"Nowadays, I cannot find her...but when we do, we'll get a brand new start..."

If you find her then what?

Will you let your walls fall apart again?

Will you let yourself be hurt again?

How many times do you have to do this to yourself?

You can't change the past, you never could

Enjoy this moment than hurting yourself over it

Heal yourself

Whether your walls fall or not, never expect anything from people

That way, you wouldn't be as hurt as much anymore

You're used to always being left alone, aren't you?

She grits her teeth as the voice comes back.

"I'm in love with a fairytale, even though it hurts..."

She couldn't feel anything that could make her cry, she feels like she should but she couldn't. No tears could come out anymore, as if what remained was an empty shell back to discarding her emotions and feelings.

"I don't care if I lose my mind, I'm already cursed..."

She opens her eyes to see crystal flies surrounding her, wanting to comfort her as it seems they feel what she feels. Prim chuckles and gently touches one, closing her eyes with a smile on her face.

"Thank you, lovelies..."

She mumbles before watching them fly away, she lays on the grass and watches the moon. One of her favorite activities during childhood, back when she was always bored in night and couldn't sleep. Her father would take her outside and they'd watch the moon together, he'd tell her stories and they'd wait for a shooting star to make wishes, how innocent and naive she was. Which Prim later found out the 'shooting star' is just a meteor or meteorite in Science Class.

"The Moon is beautiful, isn't it?"

She blurts out and sighs, enjoying the cold breeze of the night and peaceful view.

"It is"

She looks at the side to see Diluc, wearing a cloak and is holding his claymore before making it disappear.

Ah, just like in game, huh?

Yet I'm quite disappointed in that response...

He just stands there, watching her look at him before looking at the moon.

"The sun watches everyone yet the moon keeps our secrets, amazing, right?"

She says, clearly didn't mind him just watching her. She pats the unoccupied grass and he sits there, just looking at the beautiful night sky.

"It's dangerous out here, Your Grace"

He says, trying to persuade Prim into getting back inside. She didn't listen though.

"I can't always be trapped inside forever, Diluc. It feels like I'm back to being a perfect puppet"

He didn't quite catch the last one yet he couldn't help but feel peaceful for once, maybe it was the atmosphere or Prim's doing...maybe the place and the moon did make it seem like that.

No words were spoken the rest of the night as the peaceful atmosphere lasts before the two went back inside.

Somehow, that small interaction seemed to comfort the two at the quiet dark night.

Until they hear monsters lurking around the forest, Diluc immediately summons his claymore and goes infront of Prim.

"Get inside, Your Grace. It is dangerous for you to be out here"

Prim sighs.

"I understand you're worried for my safety, Diluc dear but I must remind you that I am not called the 'Divine One' for nothing"

She says as she feels an attack happen from behind, she quickly puts a hand out and all of a sudden dark vines come out of her palm and trap the 'monster' caged in her dark vines.

These...aren't vines...

As more monsters seem to attack, Prim holds her hand out in shock and summons a lightning in panic.

Diluc hears the clap of thunder as he fights the monsters away, they are a bit far from the Winery so the Winery is safe.

"Your Grace, was that you?"

"I-I think so..."

Prim's heart started beating harshly, she couldn't breathe as her hands started to shake. She first released those 'dark vines' before summoning thunder, heck, she isn't even Raiden Ei to do that.

"Eyes on the battle, My Lady"

Kaeya says as he joins the fight.

"We can talk about your abilities that aren't said in the prophecy later, for now, let's focus on this lovely battle"

Diluc groans at Kaeya's way of smooth talking, Kaeya and Diluc lends their hand out to Prim who looks at them in fear.

"Shall we three dance, Your Grace?"

They ask in unison as Prim hesitantly holds their gloved hand.

"We shall"

#genshin impact sagau #genshin self aware au #genshin x creator reader #diluc ragnvindr #kaeya alberich #mondstadt

[lightlycareless]

i’m back, having reread chapter 25 for the umpteenth time,,, now whats drawn my eye is about midway through, ranta internally comments about how if y/n were to ever actually be gone (presumably implying ‘dead’ considering the prior lines), naoya would be ‘virtually inconsolable’.

i’ve presumed y/n will be surviving the story (though,,, im eyeing the major character death warning in trepidation,,) so considering we probably won’t get to see his reaction to that in canon, how would he handle that? and if it’s from that death sentence, i don’t imagine naoaki would take it well either, especially if he didn’t find out the sentencing even existed until it was too late,,

Hello!!! How are you? I'm so happy to see you again! ❤

Reliving the angst, aren't we? 😏

You're not the first one to bring up the major character death warning hahaha; all I gotta say is, I think it's going to be somewhat... satisfying, but the context behind it oof.

But let's indulge in this thought 🤭 Let's say that Y/N failed to get pregnant and her death sentence was finally enacted.

The estate would have mixed reactions to this whole ordeal. While it's not the first time they witnessed the death/funeral of a wife (Tomoko 😭), it has been a while since one has been sentenced to death.

Some of the members will think that Naobito's decision was a bit... exaggerated, however, they would soon understand that a woman of Y/N's heritage was better off dead if they couldn't make use of her—any other clan would've done the same. (Or so I assume... since the Kamo basically pushed Noritoshi's mother away after getting what they wanted. I think they would've disposed of her if she didn't... you know, do her job.)

Besides, he's the clan leader, so their opinion doesn't matter. Nonetheless, the servants that had began to take a liking to her will definitely mourn her absence. The ones that didn't would probably say shit like "She deserved it" and "Someone better will take her place in time"

Now, onto Naoya...

Just as Ranta said, he would be virtually inconsolable, for the young Zen'in heir went through great lengths to have Y/N by his side. He was shocked to see Naobito so... nonchalantly when he ordered Y/N to be killed if she failed to beget a child. Feeling worse upon realizing how he continuously blamed her for everything that lead up to that point, not realizing that he was to blame as well. For most of the entirety of it, if not all.

But there's nothing to do now. She's gone—Y/N is dead. All he ever wanted, needed, was over.

AND I ACTUALLY PLAYED WITH THE IDEA OF LIKE, NAOYA MANAGING TO REVIVE HER BUT SHE'S JUST NOT THE SAME YOU KNOW? THERE'S SOMETHING ODD. I LOVE THAT KIND OF CREEPY SHIT—PET SEMATARY AU HERE WE GO.

Naoya would circle down into depression, and dare I say, he might even pick up the habit of drinking—or throw himself constantly into missions, anything to distract his memory away from you. Circling back to the last point, in his lowest, he might actually consider bringing you back one way or the other, only to realize that's like forbidden, or so I believe, if not, all sorcerers would basically be immortal haha.

In terms of moving on, dating/marrying someone else. I don't think he would. He can't, specially when there was never closure for his last relationship. He just can't move on. He might even start seeing her around the estate, hallucinating her and all that** (See last part haha)

Anyways, her ladies would certainly whoop his ass—as much as they can/are permitted. They still can't believe that someone who dared say that loved you very much, actually allowed you to be harmed yet again. It wouldn't be underneath them to say things to him whenever passing by his side, make their disdain for him clear.

Naoaki would beat him to death tho. Or close to it.

He would be shocked, petrified, and even then, I think those words are an understatement. Naoaki never knew that you were in route to being basically murdered by his family, wondering over and over again why you never told him, and if there was perhaps something he could've done to stop it.

Before shifting the blame onto his brother for not trying hard enough to save you. This is when he would beeline into Naoya and beat him, and he would allow it, as some kind of punishment, before someone came along to separate them.

Naoaki's relationship with the family is done by this point. One might even think he was more in love with her than what Naoya proclaimed to be 🤔

I don't think anyone would be the same at the Zen'in estate, for Y/N had achieved quite the impact in the short time she was there.

I can't even imagine what kind of explanation the Zen'in would have to bring when the L/N clan decides to ponder on her wellbeing—nor what Hinata and Ren would do if they eventually learn Y/N's dead.

**However, Y/N might just come back to haunt Naoya :>

This ask is super sad 😭 I don't want any of this to happen for real hahahahah but who knows, I guess we'll have to see where the characters take me 😭

But it's certainly a interesting thought to ruminate on; I have considered different scenarios and how characters would react to it, just for fun, you know?

However, this has to be the saddest one yet hahah considering that Naoya is starting to open up his goddamn eyes to reality 😭😭 please don't make me think on this ever again (just kidding hahahahahahah we love the angst) but I need fluff tbh

I hope my response was to your liking ❤ if you have more questions, or want more details in certain things please be sure to let me know 🥰!! I always look forward to your asks/response, they're very interesting hehe.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend ❤ Take care 😊

#ask #ask series: first it hurts— #naoya zenin #naoya zen'in #naoya x reader #naoya zenin x reader #naoya zenin x your #jjk naoya #naoya zen'in x reader #favoritism for naoaki is quite obvious lmao

[imnameim]

hey, you're a very comforting blog and person (to me at least) so I just wanted to ask for some advice? if that's okay....

I've been a bit down recently because a lot of the friends I've made over the past few years on here we kind just fell out? nothing bad has happened but we don't talk and some pope don't put in the same energy in a sense so whenever I see them on the dash I get kind of sad or wonder what I did wrong? I'm not sure any of this makes sense but I've just been feeling really out of touch and lost within my friendships here and don't know what else to do you know? it's just a constant

hi! 🤍 first off; thanks for liking me enough to feel comfortable to even share or be vulnerable even if it's through an ask. it means a lot and you can always ask for advice! I might not give any good advice but I have a nice shoulder for you to lean on if you ever need it alright? ☺️

as for all of what you said; I truly think friendships in general are extremely tricky. you can ask many people what friendship means to them and it won't be the same because we all view things differently and we all expect or want different things but that's also the beauty of having healthy communication within your friendships. you shouldn't ever be scared to speak your mind or say what you have to say and if you are; maybe that particular friendship isn't for you. hmmm; I've been on this site for a while and have had my fair share of friendships and friends that I no longer talk to or am close with; and like you said nothing went wrong but people grow apart and people grow and I think it's extremely important to know that that is completely okay and no one is at fault when it happens. It's life ya know? but it's especially important if you know you gave the friendship all you could offer while it was active that you were a good friend and nothing short of it. this doesn't go to say everyone has their faults and you may be an amazing friend to some and a bad one to others.

however; if you were left with this constant guilt or sadness I suggest (if possible) trying to talk it out? or even reach out and say what you have to say? I don't know your situation in detail so I cant say this is the best option but it's an option nonetheless. I think it depends on the friend as well; if they are someone who's open to listening vs someone who isn't. the worst that can happen is you not get a response or just don't get the response you want and honestly sometimes not getting a reason or that 'closure' (I say this loosely) is better than getting it at all.

and the most important!! put yourself first; always!! I know all too well that it's easier said then done but it's really the most important thing. friends come and go all the time. and finding the few that stick and will be around for the long haul is a journey but once you find those people, all the small things and other people who you have known will make it it all worth it🤍 and none of this goes to say you can't be sad! it's completely normal and valid for you to be sad. if you seeing them on your dash makes you said unfollow or block them. It doesn't mean anything other than your protecting your peace and thats really what matters at the end of the day. I hope this helps a little bit and I know I said a whole lot of nothing but I really hope you know that it's okay to be sad and it may be sad for a while especially if you were close but at some point someone better and more meaningful to you and your life will come along and it'll all be worth it when that day comes. 🤍

#asks #angel in disguise 🏹

[oatbugs]

mei. mei mei mei my darling. i just read up on your crush situation, and wow. what a ride huh.

first off, and i know other people have said this, but i'll say it again: you're so so young. and you have so much more time to meet new people, and to fall in love, and to let people fall in love with you, and you don't need to rush into all that now just because you feel like "this is the one" or because you're scared your time will run out. i turn 20 in two weeks, and i've had one serious relationship with someone who i thought i'd be together for a long time, and in the end it lasted a little less than a year, and i'm glad that i got to make that experience regardless.

which is what i wanna say next: your crush situation can be a good learning experience about how you'd like to be treated. you didn't waste any time, you just made new experiences, and once you find a new crush, you'll know how you want to be treated a little more, and you're gonna be able to communicate that more. no time is ever wasted. (i say this because my ex told me, upon breaking up with them, that they'd "wasted a whole year for nothing" which is wrong, because my time & company & affection was and is not a waste of time, and so is yours.)

now, i agree with all the other anons telling you to break up with your crush. it's obviously distressing you, and you said you want someone who can be with you now, which they aren't, so yeah. break up with them. but also, if you want closure, you can just text them, yeah? ask them why they're ghosting you, if you haven't already. because i have absolutely been "the crush" in many many situations, because i struggle a lot with mental health - not to say that your crush is, too, but like. there could be a million reasons why they're not texting back, and it's no use to stress out about it without knowing what's going on. take a step back and breathe, please, okay?

then, re: being scared you come off as manipulating - yes, i feel that too. so much. mostly because of my ex, and i always catch myself re-writing simple text messages because i think the wording sounds "too manipulating" and i can't even tell anymore if i am actually guilt-tripping someone or if i'm just shaped by my last relationship, but yeah. i get you so much, and it sucks so much, but also, i think we're all a little manipulating in our lives at some point, and we have a lot of time to learn how to minimise that, and sometimes, people will feel manipulated because of their own personal issues. and sometimes, like in the case of that person & their friends who told you you were manipulating, sometimes people are just assholes. like. those people don't sound like good people to me, and it sounds like you've been hurt by them a lot. so please, again, take a step back and breathe. you're okay. and if you're really scared about coming across as manipulating, you can just communicate that to whomever you're talking to, i know i asked people to like, call me out whenever i did something they didn't like.

lastly - mei, you'll be okay. this is not the end of the world. remember to breathe, and look at the sky for a minute, and take a step back whenever you feel overwhelmed - mentally and physically. just. take a step back, and look at what's in front of you, and i promise it's never as bad as it looks up close, okay? you'll be alright, i believe in you 💓🌟

hihihi thank u so much i appreciate this a lot !!!! you're defintely right, it was a cool experience liking them + i made some good memories and i got to have that crush feeling for a while which was nice ! i tried my best w them and gave them my time and i can gladly say i did what i could + i don't regret it ! we explored london and talked abt our interests for agessss and left voice note letters every day etc etc it was fun while it lasted and it's nice to acknowledge that it wasn't a waste, i rly appreciate that reminder :) also i feel like we've had some rly similar experiences djfhf

abt the manipulation thing : yh i think sometimes it is defintely a personal thing and i think that i've communicated w them that they can tell me if they feel like smth is off/they feel bad abt smth so i feel like at this point there's nothing else i can do...i appreciate all of ur reminders a lot !!!!

#asks #anon #♡♡♡ #thank u thank u thank u #i care abt u a lot anon #i should give u a name i think this isnt the first ask youve sent me #starlight anon #cos the star and the heart . and when stars fall in love w the world starlight is made #so it makes sense

[findingklorhy]

I feel like I'm going to start coming back to Tumblr to throw out my thoughts and feelings that I don't feel like I can share anywhere with people who know me currently, but need to get off my chest.

I met someone, 5 years ago, nothing happened but a few meet ups and some snuggles on the sofa when I went through some tough times. Then we parted ways, dropping a message or two every few months.. until Christmas 2022. I have no idea how/why but they had always captured something in me. Whenever I saw their name, even 2/3/4 years ago, I'd smile. Then we became more than friends. Nothing official, but we spent more days in the week together and it felt right.

Then fast-forward a few months and they disappear because they needed "me" time - fine but you don't need to refuse to speak for months for that. I never really got closure, I never really understood why they stopped talking but I know I deserved better and I fully accept I have no desire to go back to being treated in a way where there isn't good communication. Things were so good and then it.. ended. They suddenly acted like they hated me and without an explanation, that's not cool.

BUT

It has been about 8 months since the last message I received. I want to be ready to put myself out there again, how have I been hooked on one person for SO long. But every time I start to speak to someone new, my brain goes to them. I was just on a dating app, their face popped up and I'm just.. idk. Why am I stuck on this person? I don't want them. I know nothing will happen again with them and I'm okay. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I have no emotion toward them but I compare everyone to them, even though they were no good?

How the fuck do I stop?

I don't think it helps that he's started to view my stories on social media which he has never, ever done. Not once. Until these last couple of weeks.

#me #personal #help me #lmao

[magbld]

#3 entry

I'm slowly trying to heal. I wonder how long it'll take till my feelings aren't as intense. I'm afraid that I'll lose these feelings for you, but I should, right? It makes me sad that things turned out so sad for us (sort of), you'll make your cake--I'm sure. I worked today, it was a 3 hour morning shift. I pretty much did the same thing I usually do just stock. You were on my mind the whole time. You usually were on my mind the whole time when I worked anyways just in a different context. I didn't talk much today at work; honestly, I just couldn't find the energy to do it. I called my team leader a tyrant and that we should perform a mutiny against him (jokingly). It was funny for me at least. Afterwards I went home and showered, it felt good. a nice steam shower that I thought would supposedly clear my head! It didn't though LOL. Things will change of course, nothing lasts forever! Time will pass. Afterwards I sat down on the couch and my family now knows we are broken up. although it was hard trying to explain it, but I don't feel like explaining it much. They don't need to know, they weren't involved much anyways. Me and my friend then went around to buy our skiing gear. Honestly, his car is dirty LOL. Can't really blame a 19 year old dude with his first car though. The whole time I was aux and I don't think I ever told you but whenever I had aux I would play shit for fun to fuck with people. You wouldn't get it but I played dumb songs like SAO theme, Saiyan walk, and fart noises, (very niche). It made me laugh. We went to the mall, and explored our options. Why is skiing gear so expensive what the fuck? We went to those expensive shops for software engineers who boulder and hike that got money to spend. We were not spending 200+ dollars on some fucking snow pants ! LOL. Well we searched then gave up and went to Walmart. We bought youth (14-16) snow pants for 18 dollars. Fast fashion >>>>. Thank god we have fast fashion! I jokingly told him let's go get pedicures if they were less than 40$ -- I'd pay for both. We laughed. Afterwards we went to get some bourbon st. It's supar good! supar yummy. He had no beverage and I kept talking about how perched he must be (he bought water). Now I'm just at home laying in bed, I texted you about our comp sci grades. maybe I just wanted to talk to you for a bit. I miss the girl I was in love with. I still love her. It's only been two or so days and yet I miss you so much. I didn't cry today but who knows what'll happen tonight. I hope you're doing well recently. Eat good! and treat yourself well or at least how you think I would've treated you when you were down. You talked about how you just want to ignore it but it saddened me hearing that. Ignoring our relationship kind of hurts! Just a little at least. Who knows how's that making you feel though. I wouldn't. We can still talk till you have closure. I'll miss you still. It's like grieving for someone who I've lost! like a passing partner.

[justagrin]

smth i shoved into a discord group specifically for people to talk about SA (tw for implied csa/rape/incest)

oooof one of my friends disclosed to me that (tw sa & incest) their dad SA'd them (at least once? idk if its a reoccuring thing i didnt ask any questions n they understandably clammed up n changed the subject n i said "hey if you ever need to talk about anything i have similar experiences" but oh boy is it lowkey triggering that stuff for me rn. idefk if my stuff counts as sa tho. like i know my dad sexualised me a lot like verbally as a kid and i remember being disgusted all the time and i remember being fucking terrified of him all the time even when he didn't seem to be doing anything. and i remember him often saying or doing stuff and i'd just think to meself "ok we're repressing that!" (unsurprisingly i don't remember what actually prompted that). i dont have any memories of him touching me but i have some of someone touching me and the way i react to certain sexual situations is sus as fuck, but honestly those could be two entirely different things but idk! idk. i just remember telling my mum that all the stuff he said made me uncomfy and predictably got told i was "overreacting" and that it was "normal" which turned into "he just doesn't know when something's inappropriate" and honestly thats the closest to closure i'm ever gonna get but whatever. anyway the dots aren't connected enough to me to outright say i relate and im sure as fuck not ready to actually talk about it to anyone irl but yeah. idk where i was going with this tbh. i have a notebook of stuff from my childhood related to that^ (from when i've remembered them, but most of the stuff in the book i can't remember unless i read it over again) and my friends who've seen it have reacted with pretty strong disgust but idk. my entire childhood was that & gaslighting myself into thinking i was overreacting (which btw!! lead to me getting SA'd and harassed so many fucking times as an adult!!!) so it was normal to me pfft and counsellors i've shown it to all refuse to give me a solid answer bc they don't wanna "risk giving me false memories") but agghhh. one thing i definitely remember is whenever i had discharge or my period in my teens i'd just. want to cry and shake and curl up and errrrrrrmmmmmmm thats not normal lol. something was definitely wrong there but idk if i'll ever fucking be able to figure out what that is.

ok yeah i dug the notebook out again and (same tw's as above, just kind of graphic and intense) yeah theres a bit in there about him crawling into my bes and i was freaked the fuck out so i just ran out of the room and when i told my mum i was told it was "normal". and theres a bit where i was 14 and drew art based on the song pantsu nugeru mon (lit: i can take off my panties) bc i was 14!! i wasn't THINKING anything secxual!! it was a song about growing up to me! so my dumb ass showed my dad bc i was proud of the art itself and he got really weird and intense and close and was like "what are you going to do when you take off your panties?" which. ew. gross. fuck off. oh and that one time i fell asleep on the sofa and i guess i had a sex dream or smth which i didnt think anything of until my dad randomly got intense and weird again and asked if i "had any interesting dreams" that night (which he never usually does ffs). oh and he fully called ma tease relatively recently actually, and said i should call my (now ex) boyfriend "daddy", has referred to himself as my "daddy" in THAT godawful tone and makes frequent BDSM jokes towards his sister which is just an example of the verbal shit i had to put up with and idk how anyone in the room when it happens can excuse it but to them i guess its one weird thing he said they can brush off bc they don't realise i had to hear it CONSTANTLY and deal with what he DID to and they didn't see the scary moments. i also remember reading a magazine article about incest/csa when i was like 11ish?? and idk WHAT it triggered but my absolute fear of my dad/older men in general kind of started after that and my mum always said it was reading the magazine that did it but bro i dont think one thing like that can elicit a decade or so of consistent fight or flight mode I think my body remembered stuff that I can't.

Jesus fucking christ thats the most concise way i've ever actually described that. idk if anyone can relate or anything. also honestly now that he's been relatively "good" for a few years now in terms of how he speaks to me i don't really get the fear response anymore. and i'm dependent on him for finances and medical stuff so its. whatever. i guess. i'm fucking terrified that if i ever have a daughter he'll pull the same shit (hence basically nuking my body with birth control lmao) and luckily my brother's kids are both boys so i don't believe he's a threat to them if he didnt treat my brothers the same way he did me ygm? but idk what i can actually do about it

#d

[eyesofhellabore]

I actually say goodbye

It's quite silly

These maladaptive dreams

I fashion in my mind all the time

Long and stretched-out explanations

Like a Greek tragedy

Prolonged in its drama

In its tug

And pull

Of whys and whys

Till there is a neat finish

There's two people

Actually speaking

But I think these dreams

Are not what I need

And they are not what's really before me

Whenever I think now of how I must leave,

Let go

There is no room for the dramas 

played up there in my mind

It's more like this,

Im standing in this

Yellow wallpaper flaked room

One wall near the street view

Leaking in this sappy looking light

Bright

Air particles floating in it

There's that cigarette thick sludge on the walls

Though I know I don't smoke,

My emotions might as well have though

Its addictive,

Grief

Its often all you have left

Of someone you once let occupy so much space in your soul for

I know at some point

These walls weren't really plastered with yellow wallpaper

No, they were white

And I convinced myself the yellowing was happiness

As I grew sicker

There's no one here to yell at

Explain my grief to

There's not a soul left in this room

To play out that drama I crave

That release I need

That closure 

I'm alone

I have all these boxes packed on the floor

In a large heap

Something in past me wanted to pack all this up

Move it out

Carry it along with to wherever I went next

 I'm starring at all these things

These photographs

These phrases

These ideas

These futures

These promises

And there's still this craving to bring them wherever I'm going

This craving to drag them out that door

Take something small

Anything

But I look at them longer

And the longer I Look

They fit

They're meant to stay in this room

The only thing meant to leave is me

And there's no maliciousness

There's no breaking the contents

No boxes thrown out windows

No screaming

No tears

nothing

 I think the reason it's been so hard

To just get up

And just say goodbye

Until now

Was the fact they're not emotionally here 

For me to say it to their face

But I don’t have that

The moment for a talk long expired

And I wont ever be getting that

so,

I get up,

I look around the room

Shut off the light

And I leave

There's something to leave

But no one to say goodbye to

And nothing worth brining along

I'm gone

And there's no one left to say goodbye to

All I cried over

Was never really even here

And if it ever did exist in reality for the other,

If that's even possible, 

it was brief

Like a granule of sand

Ticking in an hourglass 

I already lost 

A long time ago

#on life #poetry #poetic

[chanandlersstuff]

The seasons pass and the heartbreak too

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Reader.

Summary: Life its a funny thing or maybe whats meant to be will find his way back together.

Word count: 1.927

Author’s note: This is the second part from this one and I was thinking that those two deserve some closure, so it will be one more part and that's it. Hope you like it. English is my second language so sorry for the misspellings. The song that inspired this part is "Nineteen" from Dylan, it's really good and some parts of it are on the story.

After leaving Charles at the airport that day, you didn't hear from him anymore until maybe the next year because having almost the same group of friends it was pretty hard not to know about him. One day while you were on a long call with Pierre he told you that he was dating a beautiful girl and that he seemed happy. That instead of breaking your heart completely made you happy because he was happy again. The love you had for him prevented you from being sad about it. Pierre also told you that Charles was having a great season and that also made you happy. Months passed and you didn't hear from him. You were getting better and better at your dream job, becoming more important in the business. The F1 life was little forgotten in your life but always alive in the back of your mind.

Summers, birthdays and seasons passed and Charles was achieving all his F1 goals. One night while having dinner with Pierre in some part of the world talking about life he told him that you were dating some guy and that you were happy. Charles’ fork stopped mid air when he heard the news and to Pierre surprise a smile appeared in his face, a genuine smile. He was happy for you, after all the last time he saw you was nearly three years ago and he didn't hate you, he had incredible affection towards you but that was it. Charles had no love interest in his life anymore but none of that had nothing to do with you.

Sometimes he wondered what were you doing with your life, if you achieved all your dream goals, if you were fine, all that kind of stuff. Even one time he almost dialled your number only to see if you had the same number and if you would answer him but that idea turn into a stupid one the second he almost tuch your contac name. You, on the other hand, while exploring new places or when you saw something that you thought would be fun for him, you couldn’t contain your brain from thinking about him and smiling. His name always on your phone but never used. Happy memories from the time you spend together, while being friends and lovers, no hold grudges.

One day while you were crossing the street, coffee in hand and sunglasses in your eyes, your mind deep down in work, someone shouting your name brought you back to reality and the voice was so familiar. You lowered your sunglasses to see better and when the window car next to you lowered too your heart seems to beat a little slower or everything happens in slow motion. He was there in his matt black Ferrari with the Monaco flag across the car and the 16 on one side. Charles Leclerc in the flesh, shouting your name in the red light of a street. With a smile on your face you walked to the passenger side of the car and you crouched a little to see him better.

-I wasn't entirely sure it was you.- Charles said smiling.

-So you took your chances shouting at me I see.- He nodded and you laughed. -How are you?

-Fine, fine. What about you?- The two of you were smiling like little kids on Christmas night.

-I’m fine too.- Looking at his face you notice that he hasn't changed that much. His face was more mature and his beard from a couple of days the same as you remembered. The honk of other cars brought you back to reality -It was fantastic to see you again but I'm going late to a meeting and those drivers are getting pissed.

He frowned a little and moved his head to see the cars behind him. -Oh. Yes, it was great seeing you again.- He smiled and you smiled back. You straightened and took two steps back. -WAIT.

-¿Yes?- Your voice was sweet.

-You ....eh....we….- You giggle because he was the same nervous Charles you remember when you were little.

-¿Yes Charles?.- He laughed and cleared his throat.

-I was thinking if you could give me your number.- You raised your eyebrows. -To stay in touch I mean, if you want of course.

You smile and from one of the pockets of your bag you pulled out your card. -Gimme a call whenever you want.- Your fingers touch and a familiar, not so forgotten, feeling travels through your bodys. -Bye Charles.

A week later you were walking towards him in whiteh trousers and shoes, a black tank top, sunglasses and hat. The “friendly lunch”, as he said, was in a restaurant in front of the water and the summer in the air made the day perfect. It wasn't a date at all, it was two friends who hadn't seen each other in a while catching up.

With a bottle of water in the middle, because he had to drive and you weren’t going to drink wine alone, the conversation flowed as easy as all those years ago. Laughs that made the stomach hurt and tears appeared in the corner of your eyes while the two of you remembered long time memories and funny histories.

The way he kept switching languages as easy as breathing and the sun that was coming down, illuminated your skin making you glow in his eyes and your smile, gosh it was the brightest smile he'd ever seen. Everything was so easy going and funny, like a picture perfect. As if the two of you have never walked away from your lives, as if you have talked every day for the past few years.

-Do you remember that night when we went to that awful party and we ended up drinking coffee in that spot we used to like so much?- He said when you came down from the laughter.

-It was the same day that your mum almost kill us because we were minor and we stunk at cigarettes?- The scene coming to your brain as it was yesterday and he nodded. -Oh yes, I remember. Some dude spilled his drink in my dress and it had a huge stain on it.

-Yes, that blue dress looked so beautiful on you.- You didn’t remember the color, but apparently Charles did.

-I was a mess Charles.- You tried to argue with him.

-A hot mess.- He said in a low tone hoping, praying that you didn’t hear him but you did and didn't say anything about it trying to not ruin the nice day you were having.

-Do you remember that day you called me late at night to pick you up at that random bar?- You said and he burst into laughter at the memory.

-Oh god yes. I almost came out of that bar crawling and you were there waiting for me in that empty street.- Charles said, scratching his head.

-Were only one streetlight worked properly.- You add in a funny tone.

-You were there with my jacket and two blankets and a worried face.

-Because it was freaking cold, like freezing.- You said laughing and he did too. -I don't remember why you were there and I could bet you don't remember either because you were so drunk that you forgot the reason.

-I remember that the next day I had the worst hangover of my life and I swore that I would never drink that way ever again.- Charles grabbed the glass from the table and drank.

-I remember that you were insufferable the next day, like I couldn't even look your way and you were already whining like a baby.- You said and he laughed.

-And the night you were so stressed about that exam and I told you to run away with me?- You frowned. -That I “kidnapped you” and took you to that little dinner and we stayed there for like 5 hours.- You were smiling but didn't say anything or move an inch. -The dinner that was like from the 70s or 80s, with neon signs and rock music.

You nodded with your head. -Can I be honest with you?- He nodded. -All I saw that night was you and how your eyes seem to change color with the neon lights. He didn't say anything but smiled brightly at you and blushed a little.

If you were honest you remember all too well the things you did together. The little lies to your friends telling you didn't like him when you clearly did, the big fights in those summer days where everything complicated and all the mistakes were made and how he always said “You and I, that’s all the matter. No one else, just you and I” and how he told you “You are the only one I want” when you were agreeing to that strange summer deal.

-Do you remember the day we spent in your granny’s garden looking at the stars in that white old sheet?- You said looking at water.

-Yes, we spent hours talking about our big dreams and desires.- A little silence fell between you two. -I really hope you achieve everything you told me that night.- The fact that he seemed to remember what you told him that night told everything that you needed to know.

-I did, most of them I did. I hope the same for you.

-I achieved some of them and I’m doing others this year.-

But the truth was that both of you made promises and dream things together, thinking that you would stay friends or lovers forever. Always by the other side, cheering their wins and being there when they lost but life wanted other things.

-It seems that we both remember a lot of things from years ago.- You said in a nervous tone trying to cover the inexistent awkward silence.

-Of course I remember. How could I ever forget it.- You tilted your head. -How quickly and hard I fell for you.- His tone was so tender and the smile he was giving you was something from another planet.

-Charles…- You played with the napkin in front of you.

-What? It's true, I was never capable of lying to you and you weren't capable either so tell me what's on your mind.- You stayed in silence for a couple of minutes trying to find sense about them.

-Loving you wasn't a waste. Yes hearts were bruised and mistakes were made but I will do it all the same.- You said and smiled at him.

-I don't.- The look on your face must be a hurt one because he rushed his next words. -Because at the end I lost you, everything we were. Friends, lovers, partners, everything lost for years.

-But we are here now.- You said in a slow tone.

-But for how long?- You opened your mouth to talk but he interrupted you. -A week? Ten days? You are going to get back to your job and I have to get back to race, it's the summer deal all over again. And I do not say this because I want to be your boyfriend again or whatever we have been years ago, I say it because I want my friend back. You know how many times I almost called you to tell you everything that was going on with my life, to tell you that I needed you when shit hit the fan? A thousand times. I do not want you in my life if you are going to be entering or leaving it as if it were a candy store. I want you permanently in it and I want to be in your life in the same way. Be there for you when your work is going well and when you cry from stress like all those years ago but this time physically. I want you here.- At this point he was moving his hands freneticaly and raising his voice a little but the only you could do was looked at him speechless absorving his statement and your stupid heart racing as fast as he drives his car in the weekends.

#charles leclerc #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc imagines #charles leclerc x reader #formula 1 x reader #Charles leclerc x y/n #Charles leclerc x you #f1 imagine #formula one imagine #formula one fanfiction #formula one one shot #formula one x reader #formula 1 x you #f1 x you #charles leclerc drabble #charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc f1 #charles leclerc one shot

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

Clean

Loki x Reader

1989, chapter 13

"…"

Summary: It's hard to find the one, but even if you do find him it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work. Can you even make it work after he broke your heart? The answer to that is complicated, but it all started when you found each other again in the stark tower- and that's where our story begins.

Word count: 7,224

Warnings: angst, some unreliable narrator, and… closure.

A/N: this is the last chapter of the series (besides the epilogue) and so the secret message of the song will not be at the top of the post but rather at the bottom. A perfect closer. Thank you so much for reading this, I worked so hard to write it and I am so happy that I get to finish it with you guys. I am so emotional right now.

A/N: a special thank you @chrissquares for the amazing dividers she made me, and to @nacho-bucky for beta reading all of this!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Series masterlist

Song on Spotify and YouTube

Loki sat in his room on his soft bed; he used the soft delicate covers under his fingers to ground himself as he drifted into his thoughts.

He loved you, he loves you, he will always love you. He knew that, there was no hiding it. There was no hiding the feeling that erupts within him whenever he sees you smile at him, or when you touched him and everything else faded away but your touch, or even the feeling thumping in his chest when he spent the day without you.

He was in love- it was as simple as that.

You loved him, you love him. He knew that, you never let him doubt it when you saw him doubt himself at the very beginning of the relationship. He was clever enough to know that you never lied to him.

Will you continue loving him when you will give it all up? When this is all over?

"You what?" Loki was sitting on your couch and you were curled up against him, you fiddled with your shiny new necklace, a bright smile on your face as you looked up at him through your lashes.

"I love you, Loki." You straightened up a bit more so you could get a better look at him. "I really do."

"You love the necklace I got you," He stated, looking at the empty box on the table and then back at your passionate eyes. He was scared of what he saw there, he must have heard you wrong because you made no sense to him. You always surprised him like that.

"Yes, I do love the necklace." You chuckled a bit and then you took his hand in yours, forcing him to look at you. "But I was talking about you. I love you. It's as simple as that."

But it was not simple, not to him.

"But-"

"No but. I just love you. I loved you even before we got together." You held both of his hands now. Understanding flashed in your eyes as you saw what lay behind his. "Don't you ever doubt that."

He squeezed your hands and leaned in to kiss you softly. He knew he loved you. But when he pulled back the words died in his throat. He opened his mouth only to close it shut. Emotions like the ones you introduced him to never came easy to him.

"I know." You said. And of course you know- you always do.

He sighed in thankfulness and you brought him to you again with your hand on his cold cheek.

He will find a way to tell you someday.

So why would you want to leave him- forget his trace on your life? He wondered to himself. People fleeting from his life wasn't something unfamiliar to him, but he has never been so sure of someone staying than you, ever since he found you on that fateful rainy day and every day that has passed since he never thought you would leave him out of your own will.

Being wrong about people did not happen often to him, he could read everyone but you didn't make sense to him now.

A shutting of the door knocked him out of his own head and of course there you were, studying him before you quietly approached him and sat on the bed.

Silence spread as you looked around the room, noting the various large bookshelves with the clearly well loved books.

"Your room is nice, it's very you," you commented over the deafening silence, you couldn't bear it.

"I always figured you'd like my book collection, and the balcony. I thought I could read to you while we are drinking your favourite tea and sitting out there. We could laugh at all the oafs that passed right below us." He let out a humorless chuckle.

"That sounds like a perfect day." You bit your lip nervously.

"Then why would you give that up?" now you turned to face him, you failed to notice the unshed tears on his face.

"Loki," you choked on your words. "I don't plan to give that up, I don't plan on giving you up!"

"But you heard what he said! And you want to go through with that nonsense, when I told you that I will figure out a way for him to leave you alone." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Do you really want to get rid of your powers that bad that you don't mind losing me, or even your Avengers family?"

"I don't want to lose anyone, I just can't stay with these powers inside of me when now for the first time I know exactly how they feel and what they do- I don't want that poisoning me. It's like a wine stained dress and I don't want to- I can't wear it anymore. I can't Loki." You went to take his hand but he slipped beyond your reaches. You scoffed and went and this time took his hands to get him to look at you. "But just like you said, I believe that you can and will find a way out of this, I know you will find a way for me to get all of my memories back- I don't doubt it one bit because you are brilliant and more so determined. So this is the way that I can lose my powers but keep everything else that I love so so deeply."

"But-"

"No, no but- I love you, Loki, and I would never give you up out of will especially after all those times you got taken from me and even when you left me. I will never let you go away. I know you can do this- and that is why I want to go through with this. I want to lose my powers, you called it ever since we met again at the tower- that is not my life, and these powers aren't mine. And that is my decision. Which is why I need you to understand me right now, I need you to understand that I'm not going to lose you, and that I still love you forever and always."

Loki couldn't help then, but remember you in your favourite dress standing with him and staring at the sunset, he told you he would always remember that moment-and he did, but it wasn't until now that he realized what you were asking him.

You never took your eyes away from his. You could see the battle inside of him when he finally relaxed in your grasp and pulled you tightly into a hug. But sometimes a hug is just an excuse to hide your face. You didn't see the tear that slipped from his eye.

"As you wish, darling."

•

"You're insane, you are completely insane." Steve shook his head and looked between you and Loki, before talking to the god. "How come you are okay with this? No, this is insane."

"Steve, I understand you're scared but Loki will find a way to bring me back- it will all be okay. It might take some time but I will be back here making sassy jokes at you in no time." You walked to him and wrapped your arms around him.

"Punk it'll be alright, just think of it like when you put me under again in Wakanda." Bucky chimed in and he wasn't wrong- but for Steve it only made it worse, first Bucky couldn't remember him and he lost him for a long time and now if you go through with your plan then you won't remember him either. How can he be okay with it?

"Loki, don't you have anything to say here?" The captain walked away from your hug. The god averted his eyes to the floor; he opened his mouth calculating his words.

"It's her choice captain, I had my own reservations regarding it," Loki now looked directly at the captain. "But all I want is what's best for her, I will do what is needed."

"What about Odin, huh? He can't just do whatever he wants- so what if he wants to take away your powers! I will fight him if I have to, he can't force you to do anything."

"Well Steve, my father might actually send an-"

"I never knew that was an option, I never thought I would be able to live like I used to- without my powers. I know you can get me out of this, I know Loki can get me out of it but I want this. I agree to this." You cut Thor off and brought the attention back to you. Tony rose up then.

"How do you know that you can bring her memories back, mischief?"

Loki scoffed.

"I only lost the battle of New York because I wanted to so give me and my magic more credit." Then Loki surprised you and walked towards the door. "Captain, if I may?"

Loki gestured outside and you were surprised at how Steve went without any issue. The door closed behind the two of them.

It was a while later that they came back and you could see Steve's eyes were red.

"Why don't we order pizza and you can pick a movie to watch?" he suggested. You nodded at him and you could say that you didn't tear up then but that would be a lie.

So there you sat with your friends- with your family, and you ate pizza and laughed at the movie. You talked about everything and nothing. You lay against Steve's chest and he hugged you as the movie kept playing.

You treasured every second with them. You knew you will come back to them soon enough but it didn't make you any less emotional during the entire night.

Just because you will not remember forgetting anyone of them, just because you won't feel the lack, doesn't mean you won't miss them.

•

You fidgeted with Loki besides you as you got ready to enter the room that will end all of this.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Loki rubbed your back and took both of your hands to stop you from fidgeting.

"Yes, I don't know why I'm so nervous."

"It's okay to be nervous my love, but I will take care of you."

"I know you will." You shyly smiled up at him and returned his hug. "I trust you."

Loki opened the doors and walked with you inside. The throne room looked the same and yet for you it felt the difference all the same. Walking with a different form of dread into the cold room and a loud beating heart- you couldn't deny the fear that still lingered there.

"So, you finally came. Step to the side my son." You scoffed at that when Odin rose from the throne, stepped down, and raised his long staff.

"Wait!" you yelled and grabbed Loki into a hug. "I'm going to miss you, even if I won't know it. Promise you'll get me back Loki, promise you will set it all back to normal." You didn't look at him.

"I love you, more than I ever thought I could. I know I claimed it impossible but I have fallen in love with you all over and over again." He pulled back to cup your face and whispered in a weak voice. "I don't know how to say goodbye to you."

"There's only one way I'd accept it." You smiled at him through the tears, "If you've ever loved me, say it like you are going to come back."

That brought a small chuckle out of Loki.

"Well then my love, it really was enchanting to meet you." he held your hand and bowed before you. "I'll see you around, my love."

You smiled widely as you curtsied and brought him back for a kiss. It was slow, delicate, and yet it held every emotion you needed to show and every ounce of love you needed to feel.

"I'll see you in a minute, Loki."

With a soft smile he stepped back from you, his own smile faded though when his father raised the staff and he heard a chant in the background and he sent an old ancient extortion spell your way. You kept your eyes on Loki, smiling at him and memorizing him. He will get you back, you will get him back. You had no doubt about it.

His eyes teared up but he watched you.

You watched him until the pain hit you and settled in your brain, until your eyes felt foggy when you looked on at the man in front of you, until white blinded your vision and everything turned black.

•

Opening your eyes slowly you saw the golden sun rays seep into the room from your window as you woke up. You stretched out on the bed and reached your hand out to your side and it was cold. You looked at your hand and at the space next to you, why would you reach out there? Something at the back of your mind felt odd but you shook your head- who was for some reason aching, and got out of the bed in your apartment.

You mind felt foggy, you couldn't remember even getting to bed but you must still be tired- you just need to wake up fully. It'll all focus up in a minute surely- you had no doubt about it.

You smiled to yourself as you heated water for your tea; the routine was familiar to you and helped you clear your head. You took the time to look around your apartment, it wasn't much but it was yours. You still remembered when you first moved to New York- it was so loud and foreign but you refused to let it take over you and so instead you let it be a new chapter, a new beginning, you let it change you into who you wanted to be.

You snapped out of your thought and made your tea like you always did, it was a Saturday morning and you couldn't wait to have a chill day in, reaching out into the cabinet for another glass, but you faltered- you must have forgotten that you already made your tea.

Sitting on the couch you saw the flowers on the table they were dying of thirst- you were never good with flowers, which is why you never got any. It was probably time to throw the flowers away, so you groaned before getting up and discarding them in the bin.

Finally settling on the comfortable couch you turned on the TV and flipped through the channels until you found your favourite show. Sighing, you sipped on the tea and enjoyed the content feeling this warm moment gave you.

•

Loki lay on the headrest of the bed in his bedroom. It was morning now, it's been a day since you disappeared. By morning gone was any trace of you from his life, and yet you still were all over him, he couldn't find a part of him that you didn't touch. He could never wash you away.

He saw you all around his bedroom now, with countless books open and scattered on his desk, his bed, and the entire floor. He searched all of them, trying to find what you told him he would.

But now all he found was an answer he did not want to think about. So he sat and stared at the wall.

The knock on the door hardly startled him, and he was not surprised when Thor closed the door behind him and leaned against it.

"How are you doing, brother?" Thor stayed put, noticing the blank look in his brother's eyes and the books that seemed to block his way forward. "Were you up all night?"

"How could I sleep?" he let out a bitter chuckle.

"Did you manage to find something?" Loki rubbed his eyes, he didn't know how to answer that question. His lonely heart was already starting to grow colder with each hollowed hour that passed through him. He sank into his mind again.

The captain followed him outside of the room you were in. he could feel his frustration and it matched his- just almost.

"What, Loki?" Loki continued walking forward until he found a vacant room where no one will see the two of them. The soldier stopped at the door for a moment, but once he stepped through then Loki closed the door shut behind him.

"I want to show you something, captain." Loki turned to him. Steve stood taller, his blue eyes were questioning when he saw what laid in Loki's eyes, it was the first time he was sure what he saw in the trickster was real. "But you are not going to like it."

"I suppose I did find an answer." He replied to Thor, remembering back to two nights ago, when he found the way out. Just not for him.

"Well, that is tremendous news!" Thor's smile dropped when Loki did not smile with him. "What is wrong then?"

"What do you want to show me?" Loki walked to Steve with two arms open and up in the air. "Did you manage to find something?"

"I want to show you a time from before you knew her, you see, I have always loved her- but I want you to see this before we talk." Loki asked him a silent question and Steve nodded when Loki put his hands on his temples and he felt a buzz course through him before he found himself sitting in an apartment he had never seen before and there you were sitting next to Loki- you looked so much younger, so did the god.

Steve continued watching the intimate moment between the two of you, he watched the way you looked at the god and the way Loki in turn looked at you when you didn't face him.

He almost felt uncomfortable, knowing that Loki out of all people was letting him look through his own mind and memories. And then he heard you.

"I could never be a hero." His look of confusion matched that of Loki who was talking to you on the couch. He could only assume that you did not know about Loki being a god back then.

That was when he really looked at you- seeing you. He opened his mouth and closed it, his heart sank when he realized what he saw in you that was so different. You were so… light, rather than heavy. Your eyes were brighter, and more innocent- more hopeful. And mostly you were just-clean. Clean of all the blood that you have seen with your powers, clean of all the guilt and hatred. He knew you were happy with them-he knew you felt the same way as he did- but you were different here, there was no weight above your shoulders and you were clean of it all and all that was left was peace and calm inside of you. He never saw that in you. As happy as you were with him and the rest of the avengers, and as much as he knew you, he never knew you like that- he never saw who you were before.

He took a moment to look at you again, promising to himself he will remember you like this- he knew now why Loki showed him this.

"Loki, get me out." He whispered with a defeated look on his face. A moment later he was back in a vacant room with Loki. "Is that what you want?"

"Do you understand me now, Captain?" Loki nodded and lowered his eyes a bit.

"I do." Steve refused to shed the tears he felt behind his eyes.

"I have decided to let her go." He struggled with getting the words out, but he knew he would follow through with his decision- it's what's best for you.

"You what? Loki, what do you mean you are letting her go?"

"I am not going to chase after her and get her back to me- that will only lead to bad things." Loki stood up from the bed and started to whisk the books away and back on their shelves. The night was long but he knew all that he needed to know now.

"Brother, she counted on you getting her back! She trusted you with that!" Thor has seen his brother act without a thought in rare times, but now it is clear that he has thought of it for a while and yet despite of all of its nonsense he still decided to act on that.

"She trusted me to protect her, so I am. Don't you think she deserves a life free of dangers and worries?"

Thor looked at his brother and shook his head, looking down.

"Perhaps she does, but perhaps you deserve a life full of love too. Perhaps you will get that once you stop self sabotaging any good thing that comes your way."

Thor walked out the door, leaving Loki in that empty room.

•

The rain kept pouring all around you as you walked through the park in the dark. You didn't know what it was about the rain, but somehow you found your peace in the middle of the storm, the more the rain gushed around, dancing with the wind, the more you felt calm surrounding you. You let yourself drown in the rain that surrounded you now until you could breathe again- standing there with your umbrella you decided to sit on a bench you found up ahead, you often found yourself sitting there all alone when you felt something was missing from your life.

You sat there in silence, letting the rain soak through you without it ever touching you. You opened your coat pocket and looked at the letter that was inside the open envelope. You've had to make up your mind at some point, every part of you should say yes and you knew that it did with every time you reread the message that was written inside. You were still a bit nervous, it was exciting so of course you were a bit nervous. You knew you would not say no to this opportunity, no matter where it came from. With a small secret smile you put it back inside of your coat. You brushed the place on your neck where a necklace should be and got up to head home, and as you looked up to the stars you could almost see a twinkle in the sky, from the brightest star in the sky.

•

"Do you think it's a wise idea, Tony?" Steve sat in the genius' office. Tony shrugged at that.

"It's been two months Steve, I can't take it and I know you can't too!" he took off his glasses. "Don't you want her back?"

"Of course I do Tony, but I saw her- she seemed really happy."

"She was happy with us too!" Tony threw back the whiskey in his glass before filling up another one.

"Pour me one too," Steve said and ignored Tony's look. He was too tired, they all were. "But I think maybe Loki was right to choose what he did."

"Then call this a loophole! As long as we keep it up, she won't notice a thing and then we will all get what we want. We can keep an act up and soon enough it will be like nothing's changed." Tony raised an eyebrow at him before drinking from his glass. Steve downed his- it didn't faze him at all but he wished it would.

"Okay then, do it."

"Already did." Tony smirked and Steve just groaned at his friend.

"Of course you did."

"Now we just wait, my letter was pretty convincing so I am sure she will get here soon, and then she will be home in no time." Steve clucked his glass with Tony's before walking out of his office and getting on with the stuff he had to do that day.

He took the elevator down to the ground floor and looked through the paperwork he had in his hands when the doors opened. He stepped outside only to see you walking to the receptionist's desk. He stood there staring at you as if he hadn't been tracking you for months, he noticed all the ticks you had when you were nervous. That's when he snapped out of it and went to get you before the Stark worker could talk or, even worse, recognize you. He could feel his own emotions bursting inside of him and he held himself back from taking you into his arms and hugging you.

When you looked into his eye and he saw that you didn't recognize him- not really- it hurt him more than he thought it would.

"Hi." Was all he managed to let out.

"Hi, Captain Rogers," you smiled at him and he found himself returning the smile. "It's an honour to meet you."

"Please call me Steve." He rushed out and then bit his tongue.

"Steve," you repeated and you were about to turn your head to talk to the Stark Industries worker when Steve stopped you.

"You're Y/N, right? You have a meeting with Pepper."

"Yeah I am, how did you-"

"I will take you to her." He turned to the worker and nodded briefly, "it's fine."

"Captain, I need her to sign in first-"

"The captain said we are okay here." You looked behind you to find a blonde agent that you recognized from the TV as Sharon. She looked at you for a moment, looked behind you, and then she sent you a small smile.

"I'll walk you up, is that okay?" you looked back at him again and you nodded, you didn't know why but those blue eyes seemed so… kind. Your nerves were already put at bay because he started talking to you.

"Yes, thank you Steve." You smiled at him again before he walked you back to the elevator.

When the doors closed you broke the silence, for some reason you could feel his nerves rise- you could see it in him, in the small ticks. "Don't you have other stuff you should do?"

He laughed a bit at that and you called that a win. Steve thought back to the day he met you.

"Yeah, but you seem much nicer."

"How can you tell if I'm nice or not? I never said I was nice, maybe I am mean and evil."

"No offence, kid, but you don't seem too threatening to me," You scoffed at him, and you didn't know why the chemistry between you was so natural, but you didn't care.

"How can you be so sure? I could be threatening, or I could even be a spy!" you raised an eyebrow at him when he laughed again, this time harder.

"I could still take you down if you are, it's easy." He had a shit eating grin on his face that you didn't like. Steve was waiting for you to retort back.

"Oh just fuck off!" you shook your head but then you burst out laughing when Steve replied, you were so much brighter and he loved it.

"Language."

He missed you so much.

•

You felt a bit lightheaded as Steve walked you through the halls, you walked with him as he told you that he will take you to the kitchen. It was eerily empty. The couches seemed so inviting and the floor to ceiling windows showed a stunning view that you could stand there and watch all day, now you wished that you didn't have the interview because all you wanted to do was stay right where you were.

Steve was worried about you though.

"Hey, are you okay? Is this too much for you?" He asked and you furrowed your eyebrows when you saw the concern in his eyes.

"It's fine, I am probably just worried about the meeting with Mrs. Potts, that must be why I have a headache." You ignored his other question and while it did seem odd to you how easy he interacted with you, you didn't question it- he always seemed kind on TV.

"Come on, I will get you some water from the kitchen."

When you entered the kitchen you realized where you actually were.

"Is this the Avengers' private quarters?" Steve faltered for a bit and when words failed him he decided to just nod. He cleared his throat before turning to you with a glass of water.

"You really didn't have to bring me here, I would hate to waste your time and intrude!" you took a sip. "I also don't want to be late for my meeting, which I already am…"

At the cringe in your voice he pulled out his phone and texted Tony about your situation, making sure no one will be around you just yet in case you will get overwhelmed. He couldn't know how the spell Odin put on you would respond to that.

"I talked to Pepper, don't worry about that, you don't need to worry when you are with me." He looked serious enough that you nodded and continued sipping on the water, you could already feel the headache fade away, Steve continued. "And you can feel comfortable here, I'm sure you will get the job so you will be here a lot- if you want, that is."

"Why would I be here?" Steve wanted to curse at himself for saying too much, of course you didn't know that detail- you shouldn't know that. Hell, you probably didn't know the details of what you will do- Tony could have bullshitted anything to get you to come here even when you had no reason for being chosen.

He couldn't help himself, he felt as if nothing has changed by the way you act and talk around him, but it was hard to remember that a lot has changed for him.

"Well, umm you see- it's in the job description- working for Pepper and all, it just makes sense that you will be here too because she is here a lot." He stuttered when you still had a look of confusion on your face, your head tilting a bit, you couldn't quite place him. "And also- Tony, they are husband and wife of course and- and he might need help too. Stark Industries is his after all so, that is what I meant, that's all."

"Okay…" you tentatively replied, noticing the blush that came up his flustered cheeks. He was trustworthy, so it is probably true. "I guess that I don't actually know why I am here- but this is an opportunity that I couldn't miss out on. I don’t know why he chose me or how he even knows me but- I want to be here, I just do."

The words seemed distant from you, and you looked to the ground not noticing the small relaxed smile Steve let out.

"Well, I'm sure you will fit right in here. Let's get you to Pepper then."

His smile only prompted your own and you let him take you to her, hopefully this will be a new start for you, and hopefully it will also quiet the small tingles you started getting in your head ever since you got that letter.

•

A month later you woke up to an alarm clock. You turned to your side and stopped yourself when your hand went forward. The alarm drew you out of your thoughts and you twisted around again to turn it off. You got up to start your day before you had to go to work.

You looked at your wardrobe before you decided to try out the shirt you got yesterday you couldn't help but buy it. It was in this beautiful shade of green that you were compelled to get it. You paired it with a tight black skirt and walked to your dresser. Opening it, you noticed a glimmer shining from the daylight that came through your window. You got out all the boxes and stuff that was blocking whatever it was from your view- you really needed to clean all of it, but you didn't care- you just wanted to get to that small box.

Like you thought- it indeed was a box. It was old, the golden glaze of it darkened but it was still beautiful.

"Now where did you come from?" you wondered aloud and you sat on your bed when you decided to open the delicate box. It was a bit heavy in your hand, you didn't know what it was made of but it seemed unreal- it was so naturally out of place with its beauty. You opened it slowly and in there you found a necklace, it was golden and unlike the box it was still shining. The symbol engraved onto it seemed so familiar and yet you could not remember where it is from, it was different from anything you have seen before, you must have bought it ancients ago. You must have. It took your breath away when you picked it up, so you needed air. You went out into your living room and there you sat on the couch, staring at it. Your mind was racing, no- it was searching- you didn't know what for, and tingles spread throughout your whole body.

You put it on and fiddled with it, the light weight of it on your chest was comforting as it lay right next to your heart.

You didn't notice the smile that lit up your face until you looked into the mirror before getting out of the door and heading to the Avengers tower.

•

Loki prepared himself as he walked the Bifrost leading to where Heimdall stood. He tried to calm his breathing and his racing heart, he felt as if he was going to pass out from the nerves. He just needed to get this over with fast.

Heimdall did not acknowledge the solemn look on the prince's face as he got ready to go to earth. He barely bothered to hide the dark circles beneath his eyes that could only be described as numb. With the black suit he was wearing one would think he was grieving, and maybe in a way- he was.

Loki fixed himself to stand up straighter and got ready for his journey. All he planned to do was go to the Tower, just to check on how everything has wrapped up quickly before leaving, and maybe in a way he wanted to be there one last time and see other people who are also living a life without you.

He nodded briefly to Heimdall and in a few second he was in the Avengers Tower, right on the top of it. He took the elevator down and when he didn't see anyone in the living room he called out to the AI and asked for Steve's location. He was a few floors down rather than in the Avengers' quarters.

He took the stairs down. The hall room was fairly empty. Different elevators stopped at the floor that was a pass-through to the Avengers center from the Stark Industries. At the other end of the floor there was a balcony that looked over the skyline of the daylight, it will be easier to call for Heimdall from there- it will be faster.

He walked forward and saw Steve and Natasha leaning against the main desk of the security guard.

He nodded to Steve when he spotted him, but Steve's eyes only widened when he saw the god.

"Loki."

"Hello, Captain." He nodded to Natasha who had the same surprised look on her face. "Ms. Romanoff."

"Loki what are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to come here to check how you were dealing with the group that took the weapons." The group that took you. Loki smiled shortly.

"Loki you should probably go-" the blond suggested and went towards Loki to try and lead him backwards to where he came from. Before Loki could question him, the redhead spoke up.

"Y/N is here, she is on her way here." Loki looked at Natasha and then at Steve who was standing in front of him.

"What?" Loki stammered, "Does she-"

"No, she doesn't know a thing, I promise." The god studied the soldier, his eyes sharper now.

"Then why is she coming here?"

"We hired her a month ago, so she could work here and we will see her." Natasha explained simply, blunt as always. He was thankful for that right now but he sent daggers towards Steve.

"I thought we had an agreement- that you understood."

"We didn't know you were coming. I do understand, and I promise that she is still safe, and she is having a peaceful happy life- she works for Pepper, not with us directly." Steve was quick to reply. "It was just too hard to say goodbye."

"You were not the only one who had to say goodbye." Loki's eyes were blank and Steve could see the hurt that seeped through. "But well then, I should go. I'm happy you got her back."

Steve stopped him when Loki moved to walk towards the balcony at the other end of the floor.

"Loki, you can come back too." Steve sighed, trying to get the god to agree to come back- he saw you being happy, but he also saw how you were lost- just lacking something a bit, he knew Loki was that something.

"No, I cannot. I'm a god- I could never give her the peace she deserves." Loki shook his head and lowered his blue eyes. He passed Steve and walked ahead when the elevator dinged and he looked up at the same time as you got out of it and walked towards Steve. When your eyes met his you stopped in your place.

Loki always loved when you wore his colours and now here you were- wearing his colours when you did not even know him. Only a couple of feet away, you stood in front of him and the world stood still.

You got out of the elevator and were walking towards Steve when you saw the person that was just a few steps away, in front of you. You were in the middle of the hall and yet you couldn't move yourself away, you couldn't stop staring at him.

You knew him, how couldn't you? You knew he wasn't from here, but he was different- it wasn't because you knew he was a god, but rather the feeling that came along with him and it felt as if it sucked you in.

You tried to snap out of it and you could suddenly breathe again.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to stare," you looked up again at the god who kept staring at you. Loki's eyes were wide, scared, in awe of finally seeing you again. Of seeing you not recognizing him. Before your mind could catch up you continued. "I'm Y/N."

You stretched your hand and walked forward a bit, waiting for him to shake your hand as you now stood a mere step apart. You got nervous when he didn't shake it, why did you want to shake his hand in the first place? You did not know.

Before you could take your hand back, his cold hand squeezed yours and you relaxed again, smiling shyly at him.

"It's nice meeting you." It's like you could see it all inside the shade of blue in his eyes when he smiled back.

He caught sight of the necklace you were wearing and he looked back up at you.

"That's a beautiful necklace." He said and you blushed at the compliment, his voice affected you in a way it probably shouldn't. You then realized you were still holding his hand and you took it back and fiddled with the necklace instead. You didn't see the hurt and disappointment in Loki's eyes when he too lowered his hand.

"Yeah, it's really pretty- I found it and I guess I just forgot where it came from," you looked back up at Loki who had an unreadable expression on his face and you didn't know why but- "but I still love it."

Loki swallowed and tried to form words while your own words were affecting him in ways you didn't even know.

You didn't know why you were so affected by him, he was so beautiful and your heart was speeding up and yet you felt so calm now, so relaxed, so- whole? You didn't want to break whatever it was that you felt right now, too curious by this feeling to recognize the two avengers that stood a couple of feet behind Loki.

"I heard you were working here, do you like it here?" he looked at you fondly, he just had to ask- he had to know that you really were happy like this, even if he is not in your life.

"Yeah, I do. I am so happy that I get to work here with Pepper!" you smiled at him, tucking your hair behind your ears.

"I'm happy to hear that, then. It's good that you are happy."

"The job is amazing," you chuckled. "But if you decide to throw another invasion, I hope you will think of me, I'd love to be your right hand woman."

He laughed and you treasured that look, you liked his laugh.

"As you wish, darling." He needed to let you move on, but he didn't know how to say it. "I won't keep you any longer, and I should go, but- it was enchanting to meet you, love."

You frowned at that, not wanting him to go. But you still had a silver of hope left inside you that maybe he will come back again.

"I hope I'll see you again, Loki." You smiled at him and he returned the smile. He looked you up and down, smiling softly at you again, before he did the hardest thing he had to do and walked past you.

You turned to watch him go, yet your mind was screaming something incoherent at you as if he was slipping away from your reach.

Loki walked out into the balcony with a heavy heart, but at least he got to see you again one last time, at least he got to see you smile and hear you laugh one last time. At least he knew you were happy now, and at least he got to call you his love one last time. He looked back at you as he got taken away and he found comfort he hadn't gotten before in your smile. And he knew it will be okay.

You still looked at him when you saw him get taken away by the bifrost, and smiled when he sent you one last look.

Then you turned your head back, touching the golden necklace again you smiled to yourself and stepped forward.

"She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything."

•

Tags: @ayybtch @buckys-other-punk @chaoticpete @madcrazy50 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @the-departed-potato @rogerrhqpsody @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love @percabethismyotp14

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