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the-lone-witch-and-secret-room · 3 years

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Camila Noceda and Flawed Parenting

A perspective by a flawed person with loving but extremely flawed parents

I’m genuinely baffled at some people’s hostile reaction towards Camila. Like… do any of you have flawless parents that always know the best solution instantly, make no mistakes and never get emotional?

My parents are great. They’re super supportive and I love them very, very much. Overall I think I got very lucky in the parents department.

But god, they are far from flawless. I still live at home, and despite all the good, there’s moments when I can’t take my dad anymore. He’s the kind of dad that stayed up until two am to help me with homework when I was in school, and he does so, so many things to make sure I’m happy. I know that. But despite all of this, I have told my mom in emotional moments before that I’m not sure if I can keep living with him, because for all his good sides, he has a couple of fatal flaws that sometimes make him unbearable.

My mom listens to me and is very open to being educated on certain topics, but she has her flaws, too. She hates when I fight with my dad, and gets so torn up about it that I’ve once apologized to my dad out of fear of her getting into a car crash otherwise. She’s very vocal about certain flaws of mine, and sometimes uses the things she does for me as leverage against me when she gets very emotional.

And both of my parents pay a lot more attention to my brother because he needs it more, because he’s more of a “problem child” while I “seem so capable” even when I’m not.

And guess what? I’m not a perfect child. I make mistakes sometimes, some of them pretty severe. Just like Luz, I’m the kind of person that struggles to communicate certain issues of mine to her parents. I’m stubborn, and when I get emotional, I say very hurtful things sometimes. So do they.

And this has nothing to do with my parents being horrible or abusive. They’re neither of those things.

The takeaway from this should not be that my entire family is made up of terrible people, but that we’re all flawed in our own ways, despite loving each other and trying our best. There’s things about my parents I wish I could change, and there are things about me that my parents wish they could change. And to an extent, that’s perfectly normal.

In our strengths and flaws and frustration with each other, we’re all human.

Specific, spoiler-y Camila and Luz things under the cut since this got very long.

We have no indication that Camila has a pattern of emotionally manipulating Luz. Her “emotional manipulation” as I’ve seen some people put it, is people for some reason thinking that the second you become an adult, you’re suddenly perfect and can no longer make mistakes, lest you’ll be dubbed horrible and abusive.

The whole concept is absurd to me. There is no perfect way to parent. There simply isn’t. Of course, there’s some genuinely abusive patterns that are horrible and inexcusable. But out of the parenting styles that aren’t, which one works depends on a number of factors, one of which absolutely includes that every child is different and has different needs. Camila is an amazing parent for Vee, giving the kid everything she’s ever longed for. She’s not an ideal parent for Luz. And that’s because Luz and Vee have fundamentally different needs.

Likewise, Luz is a pretty great child for Eda, but not a perfect fit for Camila. Luz relates to Eda a lot more than she relates to her mom, and that’s why the two of them have an easier time understanding each other. Both of these mother-child relationships exist, and one is not more doomed to fail than the other, but I think you’ll agree that the better you understand someone and where they’re coming from, the easier it is to communicate, pick up on certain signs, etc.

As mom and daughter, Camila and Luz are both flawed and have issues seeing the other’s perspective because of how different they are. And we should simultaneously acknowledge both of their roles in the issue and give both of them the space to learn and grow past those issues.

Luz struggles to communicate her problems. She doesn’t want to burden people in the demon realm, and it’s a given that this started out as not wanting to burden her mom. So she keeps quiet about her issues. Camila tries hard but can’t read her daughter’s mind, so there’s only so much she can do to understand and help the way Luz needs her to. Hell, Eda, who Luz is a lot more open with than her mom, struggles to help her, because Luz doesn’t tell her what’s wrong. I don’t see anyone calling Eda a terrible mom for that.

Camila tries her best, but she struggles to understand her daughter because of this, and because of how fundamentally different they are. She loves Luz’s creativity, we actively see her supporting it in the new episode—she keeps the weird stuff Luz made because she thinks Luz will regret throwing it away, and even plays along in what she assumes to be some elaborate role play because “she’s glad Luz kept her creativity even though it’s not made things easy for her at school”. But at the beginning of the show, said creativity got out of hand and people got hurt. Luz could’ve gotten hurt. So of course Camila had to interfere. I love Luz dearly, but she thought it was okay to bring snakes to school and set off fireworks inside a school building. Creativity is great. Doing reckless stuff that causes people to get hurt is not.

In sending Luz to camp, Camila tried to have someone else fix her issue because she didn’t know how to help Luz. That was a mistake, and a bad one at that, but she’s realizing that. She looks disheartened when Vee tries to throw out Luz’s stuff, because she never meant to change her daughter or take that part of her away. She just thought Luz needed a reality check—which, for the record, is something the narrative actually agrees with.

Luz spends her time in the demon realm getting reality check after reality check, realizing that even her ideal fantasy world where she has everything she always wanted doesn’t mean she’s free of consequences. She goes overboard constantly, causing:

-Eda to be forced to fly into a trap because Luz is chasing a fantasy (Witches before Wizards)

-Eda to almost be branded by her sister because Luz doesn’t think through why Eda doesn’t use magic to publicly announce her presence constantly (Once Upon a Swap)

-Eda and the twins to get kidnapped by a Slitherbeast because Luz stole Amity’s wand (Adventures in the Elements)

-Her friends to get hurt when she goes overboard trying to help Willow (Wing it like Witches)

-Eda to be captured and almost petrified because Luz thought she could just steal from the Emperor with no consequences in an attempt to help (Agony of a Witch)

I’m like 90% sure these aren’t even all. None of those make her a terrible person, for the record, but as all humans are, she is flawed and makes bad choices. She learns from these experiences and matures, just like her mom had hoped she would at camp. She’s also made friends there, which was another thing Camila wanted for her daughter.

You’ll probably realize that a lot of Luz’s behaviors I mentioned follow one of two patterns: 1. Luz’s idealized fantasy world causing problems, when she walks around with rose tinted glasses and gets people in trouble in the process because she hasn’t thought about the consequences, and 2. Luz trying to help someone she loves, but instead making things worse in the progress. The issue with this one is often that she doesn’t communicate her ideas/listen to the people she’s trying to help—like when Willow and Gus said they’ve had enough of Grudgby, or how she never actually talks to Eda about the healing hat idea before doing something reckless.

…does the latter one sound familiar to you at all? No? Because it’s the exact same thing that Camila did.

Some of the things Luz does are reckless and actively endanger others and herself, and that’s something that I think we need to acknowledge before judging Camila. As Luz’s mom, it’s Camila’s job to interfere in those situations. That she made a mistake while trying to protect Luz doesn’t make her a terrible person, especially as, again, the narrative proves her right to an extent.

I’m not saying her making Luz promise to come back and stay isn’t something that hurt Luz—it absolutely is. But it was born out of desperation. She’s emotional and in shock. She’s so full of pain and regret. She just wants her fourteen year old daughter home safe, and there’s nothing abusive or even morally ambiguous about that.

From Luz’s perspective, what she says is absolutely heartbreaking, but from Camila’s, it’s perfectly reasonable. I doubt Camila has the full picture, but even if she does, she’s had a full fifteen seconds to process that her daughter has not only been lying to her for months, but chose to leave her, and is in the demon realm of all places. Of course she’d be emotional and upset about that! Who wouldn’t? Camila isn’t a robot. If she’d been calm about this I’d be way more concerned, honestly.

My parents don’t get mad that easily, but if I would lie to them for weeks on end, they’d be pissed off too, not even taking the running away from home part into account. That’s a normal thing. People don’t like being lied to. Camila is absolutely devastated in that moment because she’s scared that Luz left because she hates her, when Luz actively states that her leaving wasn’t about her mom—which is another thing we should really be acknowledging.

Abusive parents suck and abuse should obviously never be apologized or trivialized, but saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment isn’t the same thing as being an abusive parent. My parents have done this. I’ve done this. And yes, those things can be emotionally manipulative, but there’s a huge difference in whether that’s a habit or a person speaking out of hurt and desperation in a very specific context. I doubt there’s anyone on the entire planet that hasn’t had a bad moment where they’ve said something like this because they were hurting. People lash out when they hurt, and they beg for reassurance when they’re scared. That’s something we all do.

The whole mindset of “all parents have to be perfect and can never get upset or make any mistakes” is harmful as hell, and honestly also very unrealistic. No parent is perfect, and especially people like me who have a relationship with their parents that’s very good overall should know that.

Once you have a child, parenting is a non-stop learning process, every day for the rest of your life. Taking away that room to grow and expecting perfection isn’t helping anyone, especially not struggling single parents.

And I see Camila as someone who is very willing to learn, because at the end of the day, all she wants is for Luz to be happy. Let’s give her some time to wrap her head around this whole situation. Let’s see what she says once she sees for herself how happy Luz is in that world, may it be via the videos eventually coming through or Camila visiting and meeting Luz’s found family, her friends and her girlfriend.

Ultimately, I don’t think Camila will force Luz to stay at home, but we have to give her some time. She wants what’s best for Luz, and she’s gonna need some convincing that a dangerous magical world is what’s best. I feel like that’s very normal considering the circumstances.

Her and Luz need to work on their communication on both ends, they both have things to learn, but I’m certain they’ll manage to fix their relationship in the long run.

If the bunk bed is any indication, I think Vee is gonna stay in the human realm permanently while Luz sleeps at home but keeps attending Hexside in the daytime. That feels like a solution that keeps everyone happy, and allows Luz to spend time with all the people she loves. I can’t see her being forced to choose at the end.

As a closing statement: Eda isn’t an ideal mom, Amity isn’t an ideal friend or girlfriend and neither is Luz, Lilith isn’t an ideal sister… but that’s because no one is ever an ideal anything. Being flawed is a big part of being human. Everyone has different facets to their personality. Their flaws are what makes them such great, relatable, believable characters.

And I feel the same way about Camila. She’s an extremely believable character that reminds me of my own parents, flawed but very loving nonetheless.

(Also honestly, I think it’s pretty telling that some of you guys immediately bash the black single mom that’s obviously trying her hardest while giving the benefit of the doubt to Alador, who has been portrayed as neglecting and threatened his six year old daughter on screen. This was already a thing before we knew much about either of them, and I’m disappointed but unfortunately not very surprised that it still is.)

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sokkastyles · 4 years

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I’ve talked about this before, but I need to emphasize that Zuko working in the tea shop is a huge part of his arc and development. It wasn’t just something that lasted only a few episodes that he hated and then moved on from, it’s something that is threaded throughout his arc and into the finale.

Of course he’s not happy for a large part of the time he’s working there in book two. He’s a traumatized teenager who is desperately trying to achieve the approval of his father so that he can go back to the home he was banished from. Iroh tries to make the best of things in part because Iroh genuinely enjoys it and making the best of a bad situation is just who he is, but he also wants Zuko to be happy and wants to make the best life for his nephew that he can, and he knows that Zuko needs positivity and security in his life, as well as tries to nurture in Zuko an appreciation for the small things in life and an attitude of service. It is hardly surprising that Zuko is resistant to this, though.

Zuko complains even more when he and Iroh are presented with new opportunities, because he doesn’t want to accept the possibility of growth in this new life.

Iroh: Did you hear, nephew? This man wants to give us our own tea shop in the Upper Ring of the city!

Quon: That's right, young man, your life is about to change for the better!

Zuko: [Sarcastically.] I'll try to contain my joy. [Walks outside, slams door shut.]

Zuko spends seven episodes working in the tea shop in a twenty episode season. It runs through his entire Ba Sing Se arc. He grumbles, groans, and complains through most of it.

Iroh: So, I was thinking about names for my new tea shop. How about the Jasmine Dragon? It's dramatic, poetic, has a nice ring to it.

Zuko: [Shows Iroh the flyer.] The Avatar is here in Ba Sing Se and he's lost his bison.

Iroh: [Grabs the flyer.] We have a chance for a new life here. [Cut to Zuko looking out a window.] If you start stirring up trouble, we could lose all the good things that are happening for us.

Zuko: [Turns to Iroh.] Good things that are happening for you! Have you ever thought that I want more from life than a nice apartment and a job serving tea?

Iroh: There is nothing wrong with a life of peace and prosperity. I suggest you think about what it is that you want from your life and why.

Zuko: I want my destiny.

Iroh: What that means is up to you.

Zuko’s time in the tea shop is part of his arc of discovering that he can choose his own destiny, and although he didn’t choose to live as a refugee, he can choose what he makes of it, which is what Iroh is trying to teach him here. Part of that is choosing to accept Iroh’s love, choosing to appreciate the good things instead of wishing for something that he doesn’t have, and we know that Zuko’s desire to go back to being the prince of the Fire Nation and earn his father’s affection is ultimately empty, and part of a life where he was abused, as well as where he was a part of a system that was oppressing others.

Then Zuko refuses Iroh’s advice about accepting a simple life in favor of pursuing Appa as the Blue Spirit - an identity that represents Zuko’s internal conflict between his fractured self image, which in book two involves him using the Blue Spirit identity to steal, to get back a part of the old life which he’s lost. It is extremely painful for him to admit that trying to get back to who he was before his banishment is causing him to engage in self-destructive behaviors that are stagnating his growth. Iroh just wants him to be safe and happy but he also knows that Zuko has to confront this conflict within himself.

That’s why, after he frees Appa, he must throw away the Blue Spirit mask once and for all, symbolically letting go of his desire to go back to the Fire Nation.

Iroh: You did the right thing, nephew. Leave it behind.

Giving up the past is never easy. Especially giving up the ideas he’s held onto for so long, the idea of what he can one day get back that, as Iroh said in book one, had kept Zuko going through his banishment, that gave him hope. But part of creating your own destiny is realizing that you can find hope in places you didn’t think you could find it. Zuko has to find something else to put his hope in and that’s represented physically by the sickness he suffers after freeing Appa. His entire sense of self has been shaken to the core, because change, real change, is hard.

Iroh: You should know that this is not a natural sickness, but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying tea.

Zuko: What's happening?

Iroh: Your critical decision. What you did beneath that lake. It was in such conflict with our image of yourself that you are now at war within your own mind and body.

Zuko: What's that mean?

Iroh: You are going through a metamorphosis, my nephew. It will not be a pleasant experience, but when you come out of it, you will be the beautiful prince you were always meant to be.

Tea even makes an appearance during Zuko’s “metamorphosis,” because the tea is symbolic, y’all. Then when Zuko wakes up from his sickness, we see an immediate change in him.

Iroh: Now that your fever is gone, you seem different somehow.

Zuko: [Optimistically.] It's a new day. We've got a new apartment, new furniture, and today's the grand opening of your new tea shop. Things are looking up, Uncle.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that Zuko has suddenly decided that he loves serving tea and working customer service, but the change he’s experienced is about choosing to find the good, to accept change into his life, to accept humility, and love. And this is the most happy we’ve ever seen Zuko be. We also see him emotionally supporting Iroh and working on his relationship with his uncle because he knows that seeing Zuko happy makes Iroh happy. Before, Zuko made a big show of his unhappiness, slamming doors and frowning and shouting and generally acting like a spoiled teenager with major authority issues, which made Iroh visibly upset. Iroh constantly tries to get Zuko to change his attitude but in the end it’s something that Zuko has to choose himself.

Iroh: Who thought when we came to this city as refugees, that I'd end up owning my own tea shop? Follow your passion, Zuko, and life will reward you.

Zuko: Congratulations, Uncle.

Iroh: I am very thankful.

Zuko: You deserve it. The Jasmine Dragon will be the best tea shop in the city.

Iroh: No. I'm thankful because you decided to share this special day with me. It means more than you know.

Zuko: Now let's make these people some tea!

This is more than just Zuko being happy for Iroh or trying to be happy because Iroh wants him to be happy. We see the idea repeated here that you can choose your own destiny, and that those who do are rewarded by life. This is also echoed in Zuko’s conversation with Katara in which he tells her that lately he has realized that he is free to choose what he makes of the scars of his past, and his future. We also see him practicing what Iroh told him, he lets go of shame by letting go of pride. Instead of talking about what he thinks he deserves, he talks about what Iroh deserves. The dialogue also indicates that Zuko chose to be there.

This development is emphasized when Zuko and Iroh are invited to serve tea to the Earth King.

Iroh: I ... I can't believe it!

Zuko: What is it, Uncle?

Iroh: Great news! We've been invited to serve tea to the Earth King!

Zuko goes from “step aside, filth!” and complaining about doing work to smiling about serving tea to the king of a rival nation. That’s character development. And as I said before, it was essential to Zuko’s development in becoming the kind of Fire Lord that he is supposed to be.

The dramatic irony of Katara finding them and unintentionally ratting them out to Azula is that when Katara enters the tea shop, she finds not only a Zuko in a tea apron, but a happy one enthusiastically taking people’s orders.

Zuko: Uncle! I need two jasmine, one green, and one lychee!

Iroh: I'm brewing as fast as I can!

I love this scene so much because it’s like, imagine that you decide to go to Panera Bread and you find Kylo Ren working at the counter, cheerfully asking you if you want chips or an apple with that. It’s also hilarious that Katara’s immediate thought is they’re infiltrating the city when she knows that there’s an evil force of brainwashing government agents lurking about.

That Zuko genuinely found peace with his life in Ba Sing Se is narratively important because it makes what happens next even harder for him. “The Crossroads of Destiny” is a true crossroads because he’s fought hard to find happiness and hope in his new life, but then it’s all ripped away and he’s put to the test. That he fails it this time just emphasizes how hard it is to break free of old destructive habits.

This is why when he does go back to the Fire Nation, we’re shown his doubts, and how uncomfortable he is. He tries to be happy and to accept his role as prince, but he already knows that this is not the destiny he wants for himself. The excessive opulence of the Fire Nation is meant to show this. We see this in scenes like Zuko constantly being unhappy during the beach episode and becoming angry when he is told to relax and do nothing, and his insecurity at the party in a room full of rich kids.

In particular, we see him being uncomfortable being waited on by servants in “Nightmares and Daydreams”:

Servant #1: Fresh fruit, Prince Zuko?

Zuko puts out his hand and shakes his head respectfully.

Servant #2: May I wash your feet, sir?

Zuko respectfully puts his hand out and shakes his head again.

Servant #1: Head massage?

Zuko shakes his head again.

Servant #2: Hot towel?

Zuko looks at the towels for a moment and takes one. He is seen wiping his forehead before walking out of the room. The two servants bow behind him. Zuko walks out the palace gates, with Fire Nation citizens waiting for him.

Servant #1: Prince Zuko, is something wrong? You didn't take the palanquin.

Zuko: I'm just going to Mai's house. It's not far.

Servant #1: It's not a prince's place to walk anywhere, sir.

Zuko looks to the distance, walks over, and gets into the palanquin.

We see him trying to fit in with Mai because he’s a sixteen year old who has a girlfriend for the first time in his life and he wants to impress her, but what this scene actually shows is their differing values.

Zuko: Tell me, if you could have anything you want right now, what would it be?

Mai: Hm ... A big fancy fruit tart, with rose petals on top.

Zuko: You know, being a prince and all, I might just be able to make that happen.

Mai: That would be impressive.

Zuko: [To the servants.] Do you think you could find a fresh fruit tart for the lady, with rose petals on top?

Servant: Excellent choice, sir.

Mai: I guess there's some nice perks that come with being royalty. [Pushing Zuko to lay down with her.] Though there's annoying stuff, too. Like that all-day war meeting coming up.

Zuko: [Sitting up, followed by Mai.] War meeting? What are you talking about?

Mai: Azula mentioned something. I-I assumed you were going, too.

Zuko: I guess I wasn't invited.

The two look away from each other.

Zuko asks Mai what she would want if she could have anything and what she comes up with is fruit tarts. This doesn’t necessarily mean that Mai is shallow, but what it does mean is that she’s never had to worry about what she wants in terms of the big picture.

“Who are you, and what do you want?”

She’s also never had to go hungry like Zuko has, and never had to serve others like Zuko has.

And then she brings up the war meeting, which to her is only an annoyance. Zuko doesn’t care about fruit tarts and palanquin rides, but this is something he cares about. It’s also funny to me that Mai is like “make out time,” and let’s be real, nobody would fault Zuko, a sixteen year old boy, for enjoying a little hanky panky, but Zuko is like “no, anxiety time!” Which shows how much he’s changed and how much he is struggling to be happy despite all the fruit tarts and hot towels and having a girlfriend who is all over him.

It is NOT a coincidence that when Zuko joins the gaang, we see him genuinely happy and among friends and making and serving tea.

Zuko had to go back to the Fire Nation to really understand how much he had changed and to really be able to choose his own destiny, but we know which one he chooses, between a life of empty riches and a life helping others. Even when we see him addressing the people as Fire Lord, his speech is all about service and humility. When the crowd cheers for him, he does this:

Zuko: Please. The real hero is the Avatar.

Which shows how far he’s come from the boy who so desperately wanted recognition, who was repulsed by the idea of serving others or lowering himself to the status of a “peasant,” who only thought of himself and what he deserved. His last scene is not his coronation, not his triumphant moment of standing in front of a crowd as Fire Lord, or even confronting his father, but a quiet moment, serving tea to his friends.

#zuko #atla #atla meta #iroh #mai #the blue spirit #the tea is symbolic

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likeahorribledream · 3 years

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The One That Got Away

Chapter 6: It Wasn't Supposed To End This Way

Summary: Things go from bad to worse between Charlie and Bucky and words are said that can never be taken back.

Word count: 3.6k

Warnings: Angst

‘’Bucky. My name is Bucky.’’

Bucky taking back Charlie’s permission to use his first name meant that he had just put an end to their friendship. They both knew it, Steve knew it too. Charlie was frozen into place, unable to move. Steve got up from the couch and walked towards his best friend.

‘’Come on, Buck. Don’t be like that.’’

Bucky never looked at him. He was staring right into Charlie’s eyes, neither one of them could look away. As soon as he had said it, he regretted correcting her for using his name but what he did next was even worse, things he would never be able take back, leaving him only with regrets.

Charlie couldn’t stand to see the anger in Bucky’s eyes, it was too much for her and so she was the first to look away. Her eyes met Steve’s and she saw sadness in his. Her heart hurt in her chest, it felt like someone had taken it into their hand and had an iron grip on it, not letting it go and only squeezing it more with every moment that passed.

Bucky decided to leave, he couldn’t handle seeing her this way. Especially when he had been the cause. He turned his back on his friends and opened the door, stepping outside. Watching him leave finally gave Charlie the ability to move again, she followed right behind him like he had done earlier when she had been the one trying to run away from him. It felt like it had been hours ago when barely 30 minutes had passed since.

‘’Jam- ’’ She cut herself off. ‘’Bucky.’’ She quickly corrected herself, the sour aftertaste of the last time he had told her to call him Bucky still lingering in her mouth. ‘’Talk to me, we need to talk about this. Please.’’

She was ashamed of how whiny she sounded. She was almost begging him and if she hadn’t been so sad she would have been embarrassed beyond words.

He was glad he had his back to her because hearing her calling him Bucky hurt more than he had expected and he flinched, like he had just gotten hit. In a way, he did. Right in the heart. Waiting a few seconds to make sure he had gained his composure back, he turned around to looked at her and tried to have has little emotion showing on his face as possible.

‘’Talk about what? There’s nothing to talk about.’’

‘’I know my father has hurt you, twice now and believe me I feel incredibly guilty. I wish I could take it all back for him but I can’t. You’re one of my best friends and...’’ She stopped talking when she heard Bucky scoff at her last words.

‘’I’m your best friend?’’ He laughed dryly. ‘’We barely know each other.’’ He quirked an eyebrow, he almost looked amused. Almost.

‘’Don’t say that. We are friends. We care about each other.’’

Bucky flat out started to laugh, and it made chills run down her spine. His laugh wasn’t one of amusement. He was laughing, at her. His laugh felt like it was filled with venom.

‘’Talk for yourself. I never said I cared about you.’’ It was lie. A lie that left a sour taste in his mouth, he felt sick to his stomach but never let it showed on his face.

She was speechless. Stunned. She always thought she was pretty good at reading people, sometimes she would be wrong but could had she fooled herself into thinking he was her friend? Had she read so much into everything that she was completely wrong about the situation? No. She refused to believe it. He ate lunch with her almost every day, he hugged her all the time and when he had came over to her house he had read to her. No. She wasn’t wrong. They were friends and, although he never said it, she felt like he cared about her. As certain as she was, she was starting to feel less and less confident about it all.

‘’Listen doll, it was fun and all but there’s way too much drama.’’ He shook his head from side to side, sighing.‘’It’s not worth it. Your ‘’friendship’’ isn’t worth it.’’

Listening to him all Charlie could hear was: You’renot worth it. He didn’t say it, but he didn’t need to.

He actually madequotation marks with his fingerswhen he said friendship, as if it had been one-sided the whole time and she had just imagined it. Like their friendship had never existed, like it didn’t mean anything. Shedidn’t mean anything.

She remembered the first time he had called her doll when they first met, it had made her blush and she had trouble hiding the grin that had taken over her face but now, the nickname felt like a slap in the face. He had said it in such a condescending tone, she felt humiliated.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ She whispered, tilting her head down to hide her face.

She wasn’t going to let him see her cry. Not again. The moment she stopped looking at him, Bucky bit the inside of his cheeks so hard it drew blood, a small attempt at trying not to cry with her. He hated himself. He hated himself for being so disgustingly mean to her, for being the reason she was crying again tonight, for making her feel like she wasn’t good enough. Every bone in his body told him to go hug her, his heart was screaming at him to apologize and tell her how much she actually means to him but his head told him that he was doing the right thing by pushing her away. She had been working so hard for her future, he couldn’t be the reason it was all taken away from her. She deserved to be happy and to have everything she wanted but now he couldn’t be a part of it so he had to let her go.

He cleared his throat to keep his voice from breaking when he spoke to her for what was meant to be the last time.

‘’Don’t call me.’’

And with that, he was gone.

Once he got home he went straight to his room, not talking to anyone or acknowledging anyone he might have seen on his way there. He shut the door behind him and finally let himself cry. He felt disgusted with himself. He kept seeing Charlie’s face in his mind from when he hadtold her to not call him James anymore and when he had said he didn’t care about her.

Hewas the reason she was sad, hewasthe cause of her pain. Ironically, at the beginning of the night he had been readyto fight whoever it waswho had made her cry.

After Bucky had left, Charlie went back inside. She apologized a dozen times to Steve for ruining his night and showing up unannounced. He tried to tell her she had nothing to apologize for but she wouldn’t hear any of it. Her mind was too far gone, deep in self-hate. He told her to go home and get some rest after he hugged her and kissed her cheek. He walked with her to his front door and opened it for her.

‘’Try to get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning.’’ He hugged her one last time before letting her go. Normally he would have walked her home, made sure she was safe but he didn’t want to set off her parents on him.

Charlie didn’t remember the last time she felt this exhausted. Both physically and emotionally. She was sitting onher bed and wondered how it had been possible for everything to go so wrong, so fast. The more she replayed the event of the last few hours in her mind, the more her mood shifted. Sadnessturned into something more.She was angry, infuriated even. She got up from her bed and started pacing in her room. She kept thinking about what had been said, what had been done to her.

She paced angrily around her room. Her face was red and hot from the adrenaline. She needed to let out some of her emotions, she felt like she was about to burst,and without a second thought, she grabbed her locket and ripped it off from her neck in one swift movement. Holding it in the palm of her hand, she looked at it. The same morning, seeingit around her neck hadmade her smile. It always brought a smile to her lipsbut that, too, had been taken away from her. Now when she looked at it, it reminded her of everything she could have had, everything she had been foolish enough to believe was a possibility. She closed her fist around it and threw it, hard, against the wall. It fell somewhere but she couldn’t see where, getting lost behind one of the shelves.It was the first timeshe had taken it off since her grandmother had given it to her. Charlie felt guilt trying to creep up inside her but she was quick to shove that feeling back down, letting anger consume her.She didn’t want to see the locketor wear it ever again.

Instead of calling, Steve felt like the situation called for some face-to-face time and showed up at her door instead. He had made them sandwiches and planned on going to the park with her to eat lunch. He knocked gently on her door, smiling with the hopes that his friend was feeling better after getting a good night sleep but when the door opened , Steve’s smile quickly disappeared. She looked... Broken.

Her eyes were still red and puffy from all the crying and she had black circles under them from the lack of sleep. She had been so sure that sleep would come easy to her because of how exhausted she was but her mind hadn’t gotten the memo; her thoughts kept racing and she hadn’t been able to sleep. She spent the entire night tossing and turning in her bed, restless.

‘’That bad, huh?’’ She scoffed.

Not even bothering to tell her parents she was leaving, she closed the door behind her and started walking with Steve. They walked in silence. She was too exhausted to talk and Steve had so much to say, so much so that he didn’t know where to start. After a while they reached the park and sat at the same table they always did. Steve got the sandwiches out of his bag, keeping one for himself and handing the other one to his friend. Charlie barely touched her lunch, she took a few bites to make Steve happy but her sandwich looked untouched, the bites so small they were barely noticeable.

‘’Look, about what happened last night I-’’

Charlie closed her eyes, flinching at the mention of last night. Her jaw clenched and when she reopened her eyes, Steve saw something in them he had never seen on her.

‘’I don’t want to talk about it.’’

‘’Char...’’

‘’I’m serious Steve. Talking about it won’t change what happened, so let’s not.’’

She crossed her arms over her chest, bringing his attention to her neck. Her skin was bare, the necklace was gone. He raised a hand to his own neck and then pointed to hers.

‘’Where’s your necklace?’’

She shrugged and looked down at the table.

‘’I don’t know.’’

Steve’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

‘’What do you mean you don’t know? You never take it off. Did the clasp break? I can help you look for it.’’ He started getting up and one of her hands flew up, grabbing the wrist closest to her. She shook her head no, and gently pulled on his wrist making him sit back down.

‘’I took it off. It’s fine. I don’t need it anymore, it lost its purpose. It’s just a piece of junk now.’’

It was not fine, not fine at all. Charlie seemed so different, almost like a completely different person. She hadn’t smiled, not even once, since he had knocked on her door, she didn’t hug him or kiss his cheek like she usually did. There was no joy, no happiness, no... hope. The optimism that always made her eyes shine was gone. Realization dawned on him, that’s what he had seen in her eyes earlier, hopelessness. She had lost a war she didn’t even know she was fighting and there was nothing she could do about it. She didn’t know who to trust anymore, her parents had hurt her in the worst possible way, she thought she had made a friend, someone that would stick around no matter what but, as it turns out, he never even liked her. She had gotten duped so easily, it was clear that she couldn’t even trust her own mind.

Steve felt powerless, he wanted to help her so badly but he couldn’t think of a single thing he could do to make things better. He had thought about offering her to move in with him but he knew that would only fix part of the problem. Charlie didn’t care about the money or the big house, she cared about her family. Even if they had hurt her, she couldn’t walk away from them and her dad had been clear that she would lose them with everything else. He wished he could make her understand that she would be better off without them but she needed to come to that conclusion herself, him pressuring her into walking away would only push her further into their arms and away from him. He could feel that she kept a distance between the two of them. He was the last thing her parents hadn’t taken away from her and that meant she still had something to lose, something that could be taken from her at any moment.

Putting everything back in his bag, Steve got up and offered Charlie his hand.

‘’Let’s get you home, you need some rest.’’

She took his hand and raised from her seat, letting go as soon as she was stable on her feet. She didn’t know who was watching and the last thing she needed was her parents’ friends telling them they saw her hand-in-hand with a man they hadn’t approved of, a man that wasn’t on the list. He wasn’t wrong, she definitely needed to get some rest. She felt so tired, like she could sleep for days and it still wouldn’t be enough.

Once again, they walked in silence. Steve gently bumped into her once in a while, letting her know he was still there. That small gesture soothed her and she slowly felt herself relax. They were almost to her house when she stopped walking, Steve stopping right after.

‘’I’ll be ok to walk the rest of the way. Thank you for lunch. I’m sorry I wasn’t really good company.’’

Before he could say anything or try to walk her the rest of the way, she turned around and left. He stayed where he was, looking at her as she disappeared behind her front door. It took everything in him to not walk up to their house and tell her father and mother how they didn’t deserve a daughter like Charlie, how disgusting they were being, how they should be ashamed.

Instead, he decided to go let out his anger on his other best friend.

Steve found himself at the Barnes’ doorstep, knocking a lot louder and quicker than he usually does. Noticing the urgency in his rhythm, it wasn’t long before Mrs. Barnes swung the door open, surprised to see the small blonde on the other side. He wasn’t who she was expecting. She’d known Steve since he was a child and he had always been so discreet and gentle, it was unlike him to knock this loudly.

‘’Steve, are you ok?’’ Surprise could clearly be heard in her voice.

‘’Hi Mrs. Barnes. Is Bucky here?’’ He avoided answering her question.

‘’He is, but we haven’t seen him since last night. He came back from hanging out with you, ran up the stairs and he hasn’t come out since. Not even to eat. I don’t know what happened last night but it must be big if I couldn’t get him to come downstairs and eat his breakfast.’’ She chuckled softly, trying to hide the worry from her tone. He was an adult after all.

‘’Do you mind if I try talking to him?’’

She simply nodded and stepped aside to let him in. Steve thanked her and walked up the stairs and stopped in front of his best friend’s door. He knocked and waited but the door stayed shut. He knocked again, determined to give him a piece of his mind.

‘’Buck, it’s me. Open the door.’’ His tone was a lot less friendly than he intended it to be but he’d apologize for that later.

He waited a few more seconds and just as he was about to try turning the doorknob, the door opened on Bucky.

Steve’s eyes opened wide in shock. Bucky looked like a mess. His hair was up in the air and going in every direction as if someone had ran their hands in his hair over and over again, which is what Bucky spent most of his night doing. His eyes were a bright pink, his bottom lip slightly swollen like he had bitten into it over and over again. All signs that he had been crying.

Seeing him in this state made Steve soften. Bucky walked back to his bed, letting his bedroom door open so that Steve could follow him. He sat on the edge of his bed, bracing himself for the lecture he was about to get from his best friend.

Steve followed Bucky inside, silently closing the door behind him and walking over to Bucky’s desk to sit on the chair next to it. Steve looked at him for a good minute, looking over at his features and seeing how exhausted he looked. Just like Charlie, it didn’t seem like he had gotten much sleep.

‘’Why?’’ Steve asked.

Bucky sighed and ran his hands through his hair yet again, messing it up even more.

‘’I-’’ He stopped, trying to find the right words. He shook his head and chewed on his bottom lip, a nervous habit he had picked up from being around Charlie so much.

‘’She was going to lose everything because of me. Just because she is my friend.’’ A sad laugh escaped his lips. ‘’Was my friend.’’ He corrected himself.

‘’Did you really have to hurt her so much? She’s a wreck, Buck. What you said...’’

Bucky felt his heart tighten in his chest.

‘’You saw her?’’

Steve nodded. ‘’We ate lunch together an hour ago. Well, I had lunch. She barely touched her food.’’

His elbows resting on his knees Bucky let his head fall to his hands, hiding his face into them. The guilt was making him nauseous. They both stayed silent for a few minutes.

When Bucky’s head snapped up, it almost made Steve jump from the sudden movement. His expression had changed, he didn’t look sad anymore. He looked... Angry.

‘’I did what I had to do, ok?’’ He got up from his bed and started pacing. ‘’Her dad didn’t want her to be anywhere near me and we both know how stubborn she is and she would have still tried to see me. I couldn’t risk her losing everything. Not because of me. I had to push her away, ok? I had to.’’

Although the explanation was directed to Steve, it seemed like Bucky was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to just defend his actions.

‘’I had to.’’ This time, it came out almost as a whisper. He looked directly into Steve’s eyes. ‘’Right?’’ He asked, the confidence from a few moments ago completely gone. Looking for validation that he hadn’t done a terrible mistake.

‘’Yes.’’ Was all Steve said, he knew that if he tried to say anything more his friend wouldn’t listen to him.

‘’I’m leaving in a few weeks, I’ll be fighting the war and she’ll have plenty of time to forget all about me and by the time I get back everything will have gone back to normal.’’

He just needed to stay as far away from her as possible and ignore the voice in his head that was screaming at him to call her and apologize for everything he had said, to say he hadn’t mean it and that of course he cared about her and of course she was his friend but he couldn’t. He, too, had to let her go. He couldn’t be selfish.

Steve spent the rest of the afternoon with Bucky in his room, trying to lighten up the mood and trying to make him feel better. He had came over with every intention to yell at Bucky but his friend had already been punishing himself enough as it is. Punishing himself with the guilt that was eating at him and by staying away from the girl he loved. Because even if Bucky hadn’t realized it yet, he was completely in love with Charlie and that had became clear for Steve the moment he saw the lengths Bucky was willing to go through to make sure Charlie had the future she wanted, the one she deserved, even if it meant that he wouldn’t get to be a part of it.

Likes, comments & reblogs are really appreciated, as if any kind of feedback. ❤️

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stxrrywildflower · 4 years

Text

kid

pairing - bau team x teen!reader

summary - you get kindnapped

warnings - cursing, injuries, angst

word count - ?

a throbbing pain in your head and the metallic taste of blood in your mouth was the first thing you could process when you regained consciousness. the warm feeling of blood was trickling down the back of neck. that meant one thing, you had to have been hit in the head.

your wrists were restrained behind the cold metal chair you were tied to. the rope burned your wrists and ankles. you knew they were going to scar, you had seen it on various bau team members.

everything felt incredibly foggy. you couldn’t quite remember where you were or what had happened. as if your kidnapper has read your mind, a man stepped into the room, his face just barely illuminated under the light.

“welcome y/n! i’m so glad you could make it,” the man grinned.

you rolled your eyes. “what the hell did you do to me,” you growled. the unsub chuckled, “you, little girl, are going to make me a lot of money.” with that, the man just smirked before spinning on his heel and leaving the room, your own thoughts now being the only thing to keep you company.

rossi hummed quietly to himself as he put his suv in park before stepping out of the car and onto the driveway. the warm summer heat of washington d.c. met the senior profiler. between the trees swaying in the slight breeze and the birds chirping, it was a pretty good day.

walking up to the front door, rossi pulled out his keys. however, after twisting it and finding it to be unlocked, he was more than confused.

“figlia, i’m home!” rossi called once he stepped in. there was no response, the house was actually deadly quiet. usually there was always some music playing or the sound of the tv or your computer. “y/n?” rossi called again.

when rossi took note of the faint mud footprints on the floor leading up the stairs, he drew his gun. the only sound was the slight creeping of stairs as rossi walked up them. just in case, he spoke out as normally. “i’m home for lunch. what are you in the mood for?” once again, there was no response.

the second rossi saw just a drop of blood on the floor, he pulled out his phone. with shaky hands, he pressed hotch’s number. “aaron we have a problem,” was all rossi said.

within just a few short minutes, the entire bau team as well as a few cop cars were pulling up to rossi’s house. “rossi what happened?” morgan spoke once he walked in.

“y/n’s in trouble,” rossi started, “i think kidnapping but all i can go off of is some footprints and the blood in her room.”

the team all went their separate ways, spencer and j.j. to check the locks and footprints while everyone else headed upstairs into your room. just like rossi had said, there was a spot of blood on the floor. sure the spot wasn’t huge but it was still large enough to not be from a cut or other injury.

searching your room went on for just a few moments. finally, when hotch was digging around through your desk, his face hardened as he stood up. the air in the room tensed as hotch held up a piece of paper. in small dark letters was ‘8pm’. “what does 8pm mean?” emily piped up.

“i’m guessing that’s when we will be getting a phone call,” hotch answered simply.

they found your phone a moment later, the screen now cracked most likely from the attack. when it was unlocked, it opened right up to the messages app. more specifically, to rossi’s contact. that was the final confirmation of your kidnapping.

as the rest of the police and other crime scene investigators did their thing, the rest of the bau team regrouped in the kitchen. “we’ll work from the bau. garcia is already combing through security footage but as we know, child abduction cases need to be handled with care. i expect all of you to have your full focus on finding y/n and bringing her home safely.”

to be honest, rossi wasn’t exactly listening to hotch’s orders. his thoughts were going a mile a minute. he hasn’t even realized hotch was done speaking until morgan nudged him with his arm. “rossi, we’re heading back.” the italian man nodded before following the rest of his team out of his house and back to the cars.

driving to quantico took painfully long. everyone was on edge, especially rossi. well, that was obvious. garcia greeted them all when they stepped out of the elevator, holding her laptop in one arm while the other was motioning for j.j. and spencer to follow her back to the lab. the rest of the team headed into the bullpen.

“dave, a word?” hotch spoke.

rossi nodded, quickly putting his bag in his office before heading back down the catwalk. “you’re off the case,” hotch simply said once rossi stepped in.

“my kid is missing and you want me off of the case?” rossi exclaimed.

“you’re too emotionally invested in this case. you know the rules, hell you made the rules,” hotch rephrased. damn, hotch got him there.

there was a few moments of tense silence before rossi finally spoke up again.

“gideon and i formed the bau so we could keep people safe. it’s been a lot of years but i like to think that we’ve done just that,” rossi started, “and when y/n was born, i vowed to keep her safe as both a father and a profiler. and i failed.”

hotch remained quiet as the senior profiler in front of him sat down in one of the chairs and rubbed his eyes. “i wasn’t there to protect her and now, now she’s in the hands of a criminal. we have absolutely no idea where she is or if she’s even alive,” rossi ranted.

“don’t say that,” hotch cut in. “dave you’ve been an incredible dad to y/n. one incident which you had no control over will not change that. the team is doing everything we can. besides, we still have the phone call tonight.”

“thanks aaron,” rossi smiled slightly. he had to admit, the pep talk did help.

“you screwed up big time man,” you groaned. you couldn’t have woken up more than a few hours ago but the torture in that time was intense. the rope burns on your wrists and ankles were much worse as well as other cuts the unsub has inflicted on you. your entire face was bruised and bloody, mostly from punches to your eyes and nose.

the mans harsh and callused hand gripped your cheek, pulling your head up to look at him. “and why is that?” he asked. you almost wanted to laugh at that question.

“you kidnapped the daughter of one of the founders of the bau!” you exclaimed as if it wasn’t obvious already, “i’m guessing stephen gideon wasn’t available?” that remark earned a hard slap across the face.

“i’m going to get rich off of you. you really think daddy dearest isn’t going to pay off your ransom?” the unsub questioned. “i know that my dad isn’t dumb enough to give into your demands,” you rolled your eyes. “oh we’ll see about that.”

the man returned to the room at what he informed you was almost eight o’clock. “what’s with the phone?” you questioned. “like i told you before. i’m going to be rich. and all it takes is one phone call.”

emily kept her hand in front of rossi when the phone started ringing on j.j.’s desk. this was standard procedure. they never picked up right away when negotiating with an unsub. hotch motioned for them to stay silent as he leaned forward and pressed the answer button.

“hello?” hotch spoke.

“i’m looking to speak to david rossi.”

all eyes went over to rossi who’s stone-faced expression would give hotch a run for his money. “this is he,” rossi replied.

“perfect. now i’m willing to propose a trade. 20 million for her return,” then unsub offered. the teams eyes widened at that. even you, who had a cloth around your motion, was extremely suprised. there was no way your dad would pay that. right?

“prove that she’s alive,” rossi fired back, not even mentioning the deal.

the unsub trudged over your where your were still tied to the chair. with rough hands, he ripped the cloth off so your mouth was open. “say hi to dad!” the unsub exclaimed ina sickeningly sweet voice.

“bafangu chooch,” you growled out in italian, “bastardo, figlio di puttana.”

rossi’s mouth fell slight as did spencer’s and emily’s who both knew limited italian. you had pretty much just used some extremely choice curse words to prove that you were actually alive.

the unsub rolled his eyes and walked to the other side of the room. “see? she’s alive. now the 20 million by 10 or else the girl gets it. and i think we both know what that means.”

just before the unsub hung up, you yelled one final time. “shut the fuck up bitch boy. your hair is worse than morgan’s!” your voice was slightly staticky as you were yelling to a cell phone multiple feet away. nonetheless, the team heard exactly what you said before all lines of communication were cut off.

“go to hell!” you spat, unable to contain the tears that started to.

“well i’ll see you there,” the unsub fired back. you furrowed you’re eyebrows, that didn’t even make sense. “whatever, i need to get some things set up. let’s just hope that money gets here fast.”

back at the bau, the team was in slight disbelief at the phone call. “what did she say?” morgan first asked. “basically she told him to go screw himself and then something along the lines of being an ugly son of a bitch. i’m paraphrasing but i’m sure you don’t want the exact details,” rossi answered, his tone slightly proud.

garcia was typing away at her computer, trying to trace the call. “it pinged off of multiple cell towers. i can’t pinpoint the location but i may be able to get the general area,” the tech genius informed everyone. while garcia did that, everyone else listened back to the call, desperate to process the information.

no one was quite sure how she did it but just around 9:30, garcia had managed to find the five mile radius where the call had originated. from there, she found the only bulding that would be suitable to hold someone. rossi had thanked her profusely before suiting up alongside the team to head out.

“you’re staying outside. we’ll let you know when the unsub is apprehended,” hotch ordered.

rossi huffed and leaned against the car as the team entered the warehouse. his hands were shaking at the sole thought of you being just through the door. just three minutes later, hotch’s voice echoed in his ear.

“we got y/n!”

when rossi heard those words through his communication system, he immediately rushed into the warehouse. the unsub was being dragged out by a very unhappy morgan and hotch. after shooting the man an extremely nasty glare, rossi stepped further in, stopping slightly when he saw you.

j.j. and emily were focused on untying the restraints on your wrists and ankles while spencer was surveying your injuries. you were unconscious, probably from the fact that there was more blood on the back of your head as well as a fairly deep cut down your thigh. your right arm was bent at an awkward angle, definitely broken.

“figlia,” rossi gasped, kneeling down in front of you. part of him was incredibly thankful that you were found and would be taken to the hospital to be treated. on the other hand, the injuries you suffered were pretty intense. there was definitely going to be some trauma from the whole thing.

the paramedics arrived soon after that. they had made rossi step back so you could be put on a stretcher, an ambulance taking you to the hospital soon after that. all rossi could do is wait there and hope you would be okay.

you woke up a day later, your vision blurred as your eyes adjusted to the extremely bright hospital room. there was a tube in your nose helping you breath as well as an iv in your arm administering some pain medication.

“dad,” you sobbed, wrapping your arms around your father with the limited mobility you could.

rossi held you tight, incredibly thankful that you were now awake. he just sat there, holding you as you continued to cry.

there was going to be a lot of both physical and emotional healing for you along with nightmares and pain. but you knew you had your dad and his team by your side ever step of the way.

and that made it a little better.

#criminal #criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #david rossi #penelope garcia #bau team #bau team x teen reader

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rjhpandapaws · 3 years

Text

Ocean Eyes

Chapter 1: Gold, Bones, and the One that Couldn't Let Them Go

Tw: Description of a corpse, Nines collects bones

He and his older brothers were considered trouble by the matriarch of their pod. They were too interested in humans and their culture. They had even gone so far as to take human sounding names. Connor named himself the writing he found on an odd box containing human clothes. Silas chose the name he found on a piece of a small sunken fishing boat. Nines had named himself after what he had seen on an interesting looking human tool. He still didn’t know what his namesake did, but he liked the sound of his name and that was enough. Where he and his brothers differed in their fascination with humans were the humans themselves. Silas and Connor adored them while Nines was more in the things they left behind when they drowned. He had a growing collection of various human bones and things that he believed they found important. If they weren’t objects of some kind of importance, he didn’t understand why humans would cling to them with such desperation as the sea pulled them into its depths. Then again Nines had never seen or spoken to a human, so he could only guess. He liked to believe that he was correct though, because if he were to ever travel to an unknown place he would bring his most important treasures with him. As soon as he acquired something that could be considered an important treasure of course.

Nines explored for new things on the days he had the time. His favorite place to look was the stretch of water between a rather perilous cluster of islands and rocks known as the Siren Isles. Ships always seemed to sink there and they brought humans and their trinkets with them. The three of them had time today. Connor and Silas lingered closer to the surface to observe the humans. Nines was closer to the sea floor combing over the wreckage for things he hadn’t seen before. A short distance from what looked to be an older ship wreck was an almost completely intact human skeleton. As fascinating as that was Nines was more interested in the gold chain that was around what had once been the neck of the drowned sailor. He traced a finger along the chain to where it was clutched in a skeletal fist. There would be no getting to the treasure without damaging the hand. Which was unfortunate because it was the first intact human hand he had come across and the sailor’s other hand was missing so he didn’t exactly have a spare to take with him. Carefully, Nines worked to pry the calcified fingers away from the secret that they so desperately clung to even after death had claimed their keeper.

In the end two of the sailor’s fingers wound up broken in the sand and Nines decided to take them as well as the strange gold pendant. It looked like it had once been able to open. If it could still open then opening it underwater would probably ruin whatever was inside. Nines had the feeling that whatever was contained in the strange compartment was what the sailor had been so desperate to protect. While thievery was a common practice of his, emotionally dishonoring the dead was not. He put the loop of chain over his head just like he had seen on the skeleton. The compartment came to rest just over his heart. He tucked the fingers into the pouch on his hip and continued his search for another few hours. He didn’t find much of note, a few teeth he was pretty sure he didn’t already have, and an interesting little box that looked like it had sea glass on the front. Whatever it had been supposed to do the water wouldn’t let it. It still looked nice though so he decided to keep it. The strange little container on a chain was by far his best find of the day and the thing that he was the most curious about. Though out of respect, if he ever chose to open it, he would go to the surface as not to ruin whatever it held. If it was precious enough to cling to even after death, so whatever it held had to be special.

The waters were just starting to grow cold with the first hints of winder when he finally had the opportunity to slip to the surface and investigate his neck piece. He had been wearing it long enough that its weight had become familiar. The unknown secret was something he had taken upon himself to protect. Today was the day he learned what it was he carried with him. He settled on the cliff side of the beach. It was guarded by rocks that only the most adventurous of humans would dare cross. Though if there were this far out at sea, Nines figured they would be more concerned with surviving than being adventurous. It took longer than he thought for the case to become dry enough to safely be opened. He was not going to risk breaking it. Even then it took him a few tries. Inside was an image of two humans. The shorter of the two, and the sailor judging from the clothes; had messy hair and an impish smile that promised trouble would follow. Their eyes were alight with mischief and something ese that Nines didn’t know the name of but was captivated by nonetheless. The taller of the two had long curly hair that was tied back. They were dressed considerably better, and they looked at the sailor with a softness in their eyes that made Nines bristle, though he had no idea why. He had never known this sailor he shouldn’t have felt anything at all.

Opening the thing hadn’t given him any meaningful answers, but it had given him his sailor in a way. There was a human Connor looked at with the same soft expression. Whatever that feeling was had been what moved Connor to save that human in the storm that stole his ship and his smaller companion. Nines had observed the power of that feeling, and wondered if the person in the image with the sailor knew where their friend was. If they had grieved their loss. Had they even known they had lost anyone at all? He closed it and resolved that he would try and find where the sailor had come from and return this to their companion. Whoever they were they deserved to have something to remember their lost sailor by. No one this cared for deserved to be forgotten, and no one that cared so much deserved to be left without answers. He just hoped he wasn’t too late. Humans lived very short lives as it was even without the sea to take them too soon. In his moment of resolve he felt an almost painful cold where the container had come to rest over his heart. It had almost felt like a hand, but the sensation was gone before he could think too much about it. He understood that the metal should have been warm from the sun. He didn’t have the answers so he pushed the oddity of his situation to the back of his mind and returned home. He had a journey, a hopeless chase really, to prepare for.

That night marked the start of the dreams. Memories that payed back although they didn’t belong to him. The featured the nicely dressed human from the image. A human female if he understood correctly, and he seemed to be looking at her through the sailor’s eyes. There was a gentle warm feeling that came from being near her. A desire to give her whatever she might want. The desire to explore though, that burned. It was stronger it seemed than what held them to her. It was so intense that it seemed to be what woke him up. He opened his eyes to find the sailor, or rather a version of them, above him in the water. He had the same messy hair and those same eyes that pulled Nines in with ease. There were two problems though; humans couldn’t survive at this depth, and Nines was relatively certain that you weren’t supposed to be able to see through them. Moreover, they seemed entirely alive aside from being almost completely transparent. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” They said without drowning. Nines decided there was something seriously wrong. “I just wanted to see her one more time, I can’t in this state and I drowned before I could make it back to her.” They sounded so heartbroken that it made Nines ache on their behalf, “You’re dead?”

His company took a moment to look down at themself, “I think so.” “Do you remember what you were called when you were alive?” Nines asked. Connor would chide him for asking such an insensitive question, but he needed to call his sailor something. There was a long stretch of silence that was almost uncomfortable before his companion replied. “I remember the name Gavin. I’m not sure if its mine or not, but you could call me that if it helps.” Nines gave a nod and Gavin continued, “Do you have a name?” “I call myself Nines.” He said. “Nines?” Gavin responded, “Like the number? Seems weird but whatever. Will you help me get back to Aliyah?” Nines nodded, “In the morning. As the living creature of the group, I actually need sleep.” “Right.” Came the reply. Gavin sounded like he had genuinely forgotten, “Sleep well then.” Just like that he was gone. As sleep made slow work of coming back to him Nines wondered what it was he had gotten himself into. He agreed to go Gavin only knew where to reunite a ghost with his lost love. At the very least he wouldn’t be bored anymore. He just hoped Gavin remembered where he lived better than he remembered his name.

#Ocean Eyes #OE #Reed900 #dbh gavin #dbh nines #mermaid au #tw corpse #dbh fic #dbh #tw bone collection

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flightfoot · 4 years

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Abuse and how it plays into Identity in Tower of Nero

While abuse has played a role in previous Trials of Apollo books, and in the Greco-Roman main series as a whole, Tower of Nero digs into it most deeply.

Identity and recovery from abuse are deeply linked here, with much of the abuse recovery coming from forging an identity separate from the abuser.

Previously it mostly came up in The Hidden Oracle and The Burning Maze, with Meg’s relationship with Nero prompting Apollo to examine his own relationship with Zeus.

Apollo knew in the back of his head that Zeus was abusing him, that his rage against the Cyclopes for creating the lightning bolt Zeus used to murder Asclepius, for instance, was him redirecting his anger onto a safer target because raging against Zeus directly was so unsafe, but he tried not to let himself think about it too much, and he tried to fool himself into thinking that Zeus DID care about him, that he loved him, at least enough that he’d help him if he saw him in trouble.

Seeing Meg with Nero, how he manipulated her, how he subtly blamed her for anything bad that happened around her, for anything HE did, while trying to seem gentle and kind; seeing the abuse he went through reflected in this young girl led him to cope with his own abuse better.

His experiences with abuse, with Zeus treating him as a scapegoat and ‘forcing’ him to punish Apollo if he stepped out of line, with his own feelings about the abuse and his own coping mechanisms and behavior as a result, are a useful reference for understanding and helping Meg through her experiences with Nero.

And helping her cope, separate, and try to grow after being manipulated by Nero for so long? Helps him come to terms with his own experiences.

He’s pretty explicit about the comparisons too. Like when Meg talks about how Lu used to help her pretend to kill people for Nero, helped her how she could, but Apollo’s mostly just horrified that Lu stuck around and didn’t take Meg and run... and yet part of him understood.

And are you any better? taunted a small voice in my brain. How many times have you stood up to Zeus?

Okay, small voice. Fair point. Tyrants are not easy to oppose or walk away from, especially when you depend on them for everything. (TON 57)

Lu may not have been quite as dependent on Nero as say, Meg - at least psychologically. Lu’s not a child by any means.

But Lu’s only immortal because Nero is, and he can, presumably, revoke that. Nero provides her employment, a home, probably her entire social circle, AND he has the power and the will to go after her and anyone she cares about if she strays, if she tries to defy him.

In those ways, her situation mirrors Apollo’s even better than Meg’s does - and while he’s angry at her for not defying Nero, he also understands.

I suspect part of his anger and suspicion at her is also anger and suspicion of himself, for falling into a similar trap.

Still, though Lu has her own baggage with Nero, Meg’s is focused on a lot more, with how she’s grown and changed, and her desire to hang onto who she’s become while separated from Nero, to hang onto her own identity and personality and not what Nero attempted to shape her into.

It’s to the point that she can barely comprehend who she was under him, how she used to think, what she did.

“I betrayed you once,” she said. “Right here in these woods.”

She didn’t sound sad or ashamed about it, the way she once might have. She spoke with a sort of dreamy disbelief, as if trying to recall the person she’d been six months ago. That was a problem I could relate to. (TON 114)

Meg hasn’t really changed at her core as much as Apollo has - as much as she’s gone through, she at least wasn’t much of a jerk in the first place. Well, relatively speaking, when compared to Apollo. She’s abrasive, but not much beyond that.

But she HAS changed, in large part BECAUSE she’s more able and willing to stand up for herself in ways that she couldn’t do remotely safely while with Nero. She’s broken free of his psychological hold.

During The Hidden Oracle she was ALREADY rebelling against him, she refused to burn the woods, but... well, she DID go with him, DID believe she could change him for awhile.

But she broke free after realizing he wouldn’t, escaped and returned to Apollo, freeing herself from Nero’s grasp once more.

For her, I think the difference between who she was six months ago and who she is now has less to do with her actual personality and worldview - those haven’t actually changed all that much throughout the books - but just in being free, somewhat safe (well, safer emotionally at least), and genuinely cared for. To not be under Nero’s influence to the same extent.

With Apollo... well, it’s a bit different with him. Zeus wasn’t as controlling as Nero, Apollo COULD have kept his space from him before; his sister has been doing that for millennia. But he has still changed a lot, moreso than Meg did, to the point that he’s almost unrecognizeable from who he was when he first fell to earth in THO.

Newly experiencing kindness, regular affection, and just having other people care about him though? He shares that with Meg.

Not that people have never been nice to him before, that’s not the case. But to have people be nice to him who he wouldn’t think would need to be, when he’s vulnerable... there’s a reason he’s been extremely touched when that’s happened even back from THO, and in this book he breaks down pretty much every time.

Meg struggles with needing to retain her independence, the new sense of herself she’s acquired during her journey with Apollo.

“I have to go back,” Meg insisted. “I have to see if I’m strong enough.”

Peaches cuddled up next to her as if he had no such concerns.

Meg patted his leafy wings. “Maybe I’ve gotten stronger. But when I go back to the palace, will it be enough? Can I remember to be who I am now and not… who I was then?”

I didn’t think she expected an answer. But it occurred to me that perhaps I should be asking myself that same question.

Since Jason Grace’s death, I’d spent sleepless nights wondering if I could keep my promise to him. Assuming I made it back to Mount Olympus, could I remember what it was like to be human, or would I slip back into being the self-centered god I used to be?

Change is a fragile thing. It requires time and distance. Survivors of abuse, like Meg, have to get away from their abusers. Going back to that toxic environment was the worst thing she could do. And former arrogant gods like me couldn’t hang around other arrogant gods and expect to stay unsullied.

But I supposed Meg was right. Going back was the only way to see how strong we’d gotten, even if it meant risking everything. (TON 114-115)

Meg needs to keep her identity she’s created for herself away from Nero. But her question about remembering to be who she is now versus who she was back then fits Apollo’s conundrum better, something that is clearly not lost on Apollo.

I knew my anxiety about my own weakness was getting mixed up with my anxiety about Meg. Even if I somehow made my way back to Mount Olympus, I didn’t trust myself to hold onto the important things I’d learned as a mortal. That made me doubt Meg’s ability to stay strong in her old toxic home.

The similarities between Nero’s household and my family on Mount Olympus made me increasingly uneasy. The idea that we gods were just as manipulative, just as abusive as the worst Roman emperor… Surely that couldn’t be true.

Oh, wait. Yes, it could. Ugh. I hated clarity. (TON 225-226)

Meg’s captured, being fully under Nero’s influence once more, with him trying to twist everything to be Apollo’s or Meg’s faults, trying to twist it so that every bit of distress that he puts Meg through is somehow the fault of her or her allies.

She picked up the chair and threw it across the room - but not at Nero. It whanged off the window, leaving a smudge but no cracks. I caught the flicker of a smile on Nero’s face - a smile of satisfaction - before his expression fixed back into a mask of sympathy. “Yes, dear. This anger comes from guilt. You led Apollo here. You understood what that meant, what would happen. But you did it anyway. That must be so painful... knowing you brought him to his end (TON 235)

This kind of manipulation is Nero’s trademark, he uses it for most of the book. Telling Meg what she’s feeling, telling her that she’s feeling this way because of something wrong SHE did, not because of the horrible things NERO did. Trying to rewrite her reality to fall in line with what HE wants her to believe, to think.

Nero makes her change clothes, has her scrub up, even has her get a pedicure.

Normally this would sound like a good thing. But it’s just one of the ways he tries to rewrite who she is, to break her sense of identity and replace it with one more to his liking. By taking away things that showed her own personal style, he took away reminders of who she is, as well as showing his ability to exert control over her, make her believe she has no choices.

My heart broke. Meg looked elegant, older, and quite beautiful. She also looked utterly, completely no longer herself. Nero had tried to strip away everything she had been, every choice she’d made, and replace her with someone else - a proper young lady of the Imperial Household. (TON 285-286)

Nero continues to try to twist the circumstances, to brainwash Meg into believing that he’s her savior and Apollo and the others may harm her. But Apollo keeps protesting, leading to this scene:

I tried to contain my horror. “Meg,” I said. “There’s only one person you need to listen to here: yourself. Trust yourself.”

I meant it, despite all my doubts and fears, despite all my complaints over the months about Meg being my master. She had chosen me, but I had also chosen her. I did trust her - not in spite of her past with Nero, but because of it. I had seen her struggle. I’d admired her hard-won progress. I had to believe in her for my own sake. She was - gods help me - my role model. (TON 293)

Ultimately, MEG’S the one who decides. Who fights back. Because she was able to listen to herself, to not be twisted by Nero’s lies and deceptions.

“I didn’t kill my father,” she said, her voice small and hard. “I didn’t cut off Lu’s hands or enslave those dryads or twist us all up inside.” She swept a hand towards the other demigods of the household. “You did that, Nero. I hate you.” (TON 295)

This was the tipping point. When she announced, to herself and everyone else, the truth. The reality. Rejecting Nero’s attempts to rewrite it.

Nero hissed. “Ungrateful child. The Beast-”

“The Beast is dead.” Meg tapped the side of her head. “I killed it.” (TON 311)

I notice here she tapped the side of her head. Of course, she didn’t literally kill The Beast; Nero’s still alive after all.

But The Beast was a psychological trick Nero used on Meg, to make her separate him into two people; the ‘nice’ stepfather, and The Beast that takes over and punishes if she misbehaves.

She ‘killed’ it, because she killed the concept.

There was never a Beast.

There was only ever Nero.

And now that she’s gotten out from under his thumb? She reasserts her own identity.

Meg had thrown away her sandals, braving bare feet despite the arrows, rubble, bones, and discarded blades that littered the floor. Someone had given her an orange Camp Half-Blood shirt, which she’d put on over her dress, making her allegiance clear. She still looked older and more sophisticated, but she also looked like my Meg. (TON 323)

I like the emphasis on how she looks older, but also like herself. She looks like what Nero made her into still, in a way - she’s still wearing that dress after all - but she’s made it her own, integrated herself into it.

It nicely parallels Apollo’s own situation, with needing to integrate who he’s become as Lester, who he’s grown to be, with his godly identity. Because things WILL be different once he’s a god again; he’ll have power he doesn’t have now, will have exposure to other gods that he doesn’t currently have. So he needs to figure out how to handle that, how to be a god, how to be Apollo while not losing what he’s gained as Lester.

Even if I survived, I would not be the same. The best I could hope for was to emerge from Delphi with my godhood restored, which was what I had wanted and dreamed about for the past half a year. So why did I feel so reluctant about leaving behind the broken, battered form of Lester Papadopolous? (TON 327)

Like Meg was, Apollo’s struggling to get ahold of his own identity before he has to face his abuser again, has to re-enter that old toxic environment. He fears that if the trappings of “Lester” are destroyed, then like with Nero changing Meg’s clothes, that he’ll lose part of his connection to who he’s become.

As Apollo fights Python, his mortal body becomes less and less mortal, bringing him into an in-between, in-flux state that mirrors his internal identity crisis.

“YOU CAN’T HIDE!” Python bellowed. “YOU ARE NO GOD!”

This pronouncement hit me like a bucket of ice water. It didn’t carry the weight of prophecy, but it was true nonetheless. At the moment, I wasn’t sure what I was. I certainly wasn’t my old godly self. I wasn’t exactly Lester Papadopolous either. My flesh steamed. Pulses of light flickered under my skin, like the sun trying to break through storm clouds. When had that started?

I was between states, morphing as rapidly as Python himself. I was no god. I would never be the same old Apollo again. But in this moment, I had the chance to decide what I would become, even if that new existence only lasted a few seconds.

The realization burned away my delirium.

“I won’t hide,” I muttered. “I won’t cower. That’s not who I will be.” (TON 339-340)

Like with Meg before, he’s deciding, affirming for himself what kind of person he is now, who he wants to be, different from who he was before.

Even during the fight with Python, some small part of him hopes Zeus will intervene, will see he’s done enough and help him, save him. But here, that instinct is quashed for the final time.

I had done my best. Surely, Zeus would see that and be proud. Maybe he would send down a lightning bolt, blast Python into tiny pieces, and save me!

As soon as I thought this, I realized how foolish it was. Zeus didn’t work that way. He would not save me anymore than Nero had saved Meg. I had to let go of that fantasy. I had to save myself. (TON 341)

Much like with how Meg hoped back near the beginning of the series that Nero really would change, really was a good person deep down, Apollo kept up the hope in early entries that Zeus DID care about him and would come to save him at any moment. And even in later books, heck, even in THIS book, with Meg still calling Nero her stepfather a few times and the part of Apollo hoping that Zeus will intervene now, it’s hard to break the desire, the belief that that person who SHOULD care about you, surely will now.

But both of them break past that. Meg calls Nero out, rejects his attempts to rewrite reality, and Apollo kills the idea that Zeus might intervene on his behalf.

By the time Apollo’s a god again, he has a firm bead on the kind of person Zeus is, as well as the type of environment Mt. Olympus is, with most of his family just watching his trials and tribulations, everything he and his friends went through, and betting on the outcome. Only Artemis and Hera seemed to take things seriously, seemed to deeply care whether he lived or died.

Not that the others could have interfered against Zeus’s wishes.

As much as we pretended to be a council of twelve, in truth we were a tyranny. Zeus was less a benevolent father and more an iron-fisted leader with the biggest weapons and the ability to strip us of our immortality if we offended him. (TON 366)

Apollo just kind of hangs back for the council session, having little to say to anyone except Artemis, not caring much about what the other Olympians thought, and not really feeling like one of them as a whole. Though that was true even before he actually walked into the room.

I remembered my dream of the throne room - the other Olympians gambling on my success or failure. I wondered how much money they’d lost.

What could I possibly say to them? I no longer felt like one of them. I wasn’t one of them. (TON 358)

And finally, the long-awaited confrontation scene with Zeus. It wasn’t long. It wasn’t flashy. Unlike Meg, he couldn’t attack and get rid of his abuser, couldn’t get out from under his influence entirely. Zeus is King of the Gods; realizing that he’s an abusive asshole doesn’t change that.

But he COULD change his own response to the situation.

My father coughed into his fist. “ I know you think your punishment was harsh, Apollo.”

I did not answer. I tried my best to keep my expression polite and neutral.

“But you must understand,” Zeus continued, “only you could have overthrown Python. Only you could have freed the Oracles. And you did it, as I expected. The suffering, the pain along the way… regrettable, but necessary. You have done me proud.”

Interesting how he put that: I had done him proud. I had been useful in making him look good. My heart did not melt. I did not feel that this was a warm-and-fuzzy reconciliation with my father. Let’s be honest: some fathers don’t deserve that. Some fathers aren’t capable of it.

I suppose I could have raged at him and called him bad names. We were alone. He probably expected it. Given his awkward self-consciousness at the moment, he might even have let me get away with it unpunished.

But it would not have changed him. It would not have made anything different between us.

You cannot change a tyrant by trying to out-ugly him. Meg could never have changed Nero, any more than I could change Zeus. I could only try to be different than him. Better. More… human. And to limit the time I spent around him to as little as possible. (TON 367-368)

Apollo just... let go of any attachment to Zeus. It reminded me of the Cumaen SIbyl, with how she forgave Apollo for her own sake, how Apollo felt that he himself was being erased by that.

This isn’t a reconciliation; this is simply Apollo putting Zeus as far behind him as possible and trying to let him take up as little space in his life as he can. He may not be able to cut all ties to him, but he can at least minimize his connection to him, his influence over him.

In the end, Apollo doesn’t even really consider what he went through to be a punishment; not really.

To be honest, though, I could no longer consider my time on Earth a punishment. Terrible, tragic, nearly impossible… yes. But calling it a punishment gave Zeus too much credit. It had been a journey - an important one I made for myself, with the help of my friends. I hoped… I believed that the grief and pain had shaped me into a better person. I had forged a more perfect Lester from the dregs of Apollo. I would not trade those experiences for anything. And if I had been told I had to be Lester for another hundred years… Well, I could think of worse things. At least I wouldn’t be expected to show up at the Olympian solstice meetings. (TON 373)

Like with his conversation with Zeus, he’s minimizing Zeus’s control, his influence over himself and his life.

And in the end, Apollo leaves Mt. Olympus as soon as he can to spend time with all the new friends he’s made, away from the toxic influences of Olympus and of Zeus especially. Reaffirming his new identity, his new self by appearing in his Lester form, the form he’d grown in, that he’d forged for himself.

I just really love how in-depth Tower of Nero went, especially with the way it emphasized the identity manipulation and erasure involved with some kinds of abuse.

#trials of apollo #tower of nero #ton spoilers #lester papadopoulos #meg mccaffrey #toa analysis #my analysis

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nymphigeon · 4 years

Text

Someone you love(d) || KTH

• Pairing: Taehyung x Reader(f)

• Genre: break up au, angst with a happy ending, fluff? (just a lil' bit at the end :))

• Rating: PG

• Words: 7.2k

• Warnings: swearing, mention of weight, they kiss like once, if you don't like cheesy things....skip this one lmao

• Summary: You thought he loved you, you really did, but the way he left told you something else.

Or alternatively;

Taehyung is an emotionally constipated idiot who doesn't know how to deal with his feelings.

• A/N: Okay it took me waaay too long to write this, I'm so sorry T_T I really wanted to get this out earlier, but well things happened....

I only proofread this like once and had some trouble getting everything into the post properly so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes! Please let me know if you find any so I can fix them asap.

Thank you for the request @mytaetaey! I hope it matches your expectations!!!

It honestly hasn't even been that long since the day he showed up at my house.

"Let’s break up."

Although I really wouldn't be able to tell you how much time had truly passed.

"W-wait why?"

Days felt like weeks, weeks felt like months. Everything just seemed to last a lot longer than it should have.

"Did I do something wrong? I-I can fix it, just tell me!"

It might have happened last week, or the week before that. Wasn't it three weeks ago?

"No, no you didn't do anything wrong y/n. I'm sorry this just isn't working out."

Bottom line is, the passing of time hasn't really been on my mind. Any day without him is a day lost, a day to forget about.

"What do you mean this isn’t working out? I thought we were doing well together..."

I remember the confusion that went through me. All of a sudden the four years we spent together seemed to have disappeared.

“You thought wrong.”

He had been acting weird for a while, never quite getting close to telling me what was going through his mind. I hadn’t anticipated it ever ending like this though.

“Not everything you believe is a fact.”

The years I had to get to know him ended too soon. They went by so fast, they might as well have been non-existent.

"I... why? I don’t understand…

This all came too sudden. Just a few days before he had been laying on my bed, smiling as I told him about my day.

"I just don't feel the same anymore."

I just needed a little more time. A little more time to adore him. A little more time to say goodbye.

"I don't love you anymore."

But I still did do. He didn’t seem to care though. After he took care of me for a while, he decided I’m not worth it. Not even as someone who he just passes by.

"It's best if we don't see each other anymore."

If you cherish what you have you'll never be left unsatisfied.

"Goodbye."

I did. And it broke me.

“Y/n? Helloooo?”

My daydreams get interrupted by a waving hand in front of my face, followed by a harsh flick against my forehead.

“Ouch! Mina that was too hard!” Both my hands shoot up to the stinging spot between my eyes, one to prevent the evil hand from handing out another flick, the other one to rub at the red spot forming.

“Class ended a few minutes ago, you should probably pack up. Really, did you just stare off into space for the entire class?” Spotting my close to empty notebook, Mina sighs and shakes her head. She’s trying to look disappointed, but under the scolding exterior she’s putting on, there is a hint of pity.

It’s not the first time this week that not a single word has made it into my notes. Each time again the pages are either filled with lazy doodles and meaningless scribbles, or a space of absolute nothingness, not even a drop of ink staining the white paper.

“I’m sorry, I really did try to pay attention, but you know I hate his classes with a passion.” We both know that’s not the reason for my absentness, and neither of us speaks up about it. It’s what I requested myself, not being able to cope with the sadness I was causing my friends to feel. They care too much, I don’t want to burden them for too long.

“I know sweetheart, you did do your best. I’ll send my notes later, if you want I’ll help you understand them too.” Though no matter how hard I try, I still rely on them. They keep convincing me to, their kind souls not being able to leave me alone. “If you could I’d really appreciate it.”

A sweet smile appears on Mina’s lips as I accept her offer, being more than happy to help me. She has always been the type to give more than she received, and despite me believing she deserves more than she gets, I adore her for it. “Of course, any time.”

I finish packing my belongings into my backpack, first making sure I didn’t leave anything behind before leaving the classroom with Mina close to my side. She talks about everything and nothing as we roam the spacious hallways filled with tired looking students. I wouldn’t be surprised if more than half of them slept until the end of their lectures.

Most of Mina’s words fall on deaf ears as I think back to the thoughts that occupied my mind the entire time my teacher was trying to explain the principle of quantum mechanics. I wouldn’t have understood it regardless of whether I was paying attention or not by the way.

“Ah you don’t have any more classes today, do you?” An unannounced weight falls on my left side as Mina whines into my shoulder, effectively bringing me back down to earth. Some brabbles about life being unfair escape the muffled sounds she produces, clearly not looking forward to the rest of her day.

“I’m going to be so lonely, me and Daeun aren’t allowed to sit next to each other anymore.” Mina raises her head to catch some air, her hands still clinging to the fabric of my shirt. The scowl on her face isn’t hard to miss, as she isn’t doing much to hide it.

“I was just going to head home straight away.” On any other day I would’ve probably teased her, wishing her good luck while I go and enjoy the free life. Today however, I don’t. My face stays in it’s boring resting position, even as Mina waits for the non-existent twist at the end.

It doesn’t take long before she finally sees I’m not poking fun at her. The moment of realization is clear, her whiny expression disappearing and her hands falling back to her sides. “Oh.”

“Well since it’s Friday how about I come hang out at your place when I’m done here? I’ll drag Daeun along with me too.” Mina’s voice is unsure, scared that I’ll reject her offer. A thick tension hangs in the air as we both wait for my reply.

I want to be alone. I want to be able to overthink in peace without others insisting that my mind is wrong. Though on the other side, I do know that I’ve been pushing them away. All the more reason for them to worry about me.

“Yeah sure.” I manage to convince myself to decide on the option I’d like the least. Somewhere I may be hoping that I’ve been missing out on a distraction I needed. I will never know until I experience it.

“Great! I’ll bring snacks too, let’s make it a movie night!” And off she goes, not waiting for any kind of confirmation from my side. Most likely it’s a way to keep me from refusing, forcing me into a situation that’s best for me, according to her.

I might not be looking forward to the events to come, but even I can’t deny the dull blossoming of my heart. The corners of my lips tug up, together with a hand to wave the girl off.

Yeah, perhaps, just maybe, I’m excited to spend some time with them.

I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Did I gain too much weight? Did I not text him enough? Was I going down the wrong path?

No matter what I wrote down, which new question I thought of, it didn’t seem right. Crumpled up paper balls and clothes littering the apartment show of the frustration occupying my mind.

No aspect of me changed for the worse. I’m still the same healthy weight, we texted almost every day, and I’m running up the path to a successful career. There is nothing wrong with me, so why am I blaming myself so heavily?

Because for some reason I believe that if I had done things differently the outcome would have been better. Because maybe he would’ve changed his mind if I reacted differently. Because it could never be him who was in the wrong.

A knock on the door and the pen I had been holding drops. Focussing on the paper in front of me once more, the harsh worded sentences ending in large written question marks stand out. I’m yearning for answers to questions I don’t even understand myself and it’s terrifying.

Three knocks on the door this time and I’m up, quickly discarding all the papers littering around. Some I tear to pieces, making sure none of the written sentences are visible anymore, others simply get hidden.

The door creaks as it opens, broadcasting it’s old age to the world. I should probably replace it sometime before someone decides to break in. Not that there’s anything worth taking here, I am a student after all.

“Hey dea- Oh no you look horrible.” A slight gasp interrupts Daeun’s cheery greeting when she notices the birds nest that is my hair. After having acted out all my annoyance on the poor strands, they’ve taken to each other for comfort, gladly intertwining. To my dismay, of course.

“I feel horrible. Come in.” The chuckle meant to lighten the statement doesn’t do it’s job properly. Both don’t say anything more as they enter the tiny apartment I call home, but they might as well have been screaming ‘I feel sorry for you.’” If they won’t do it, their faces definitely will.

“I won’t let any of you chose a movie tonight, I’ve got way too many good ideas.” Mina drops the overfilled bags she was holding on the dinner table while she talks. From the few items that stick out it’s safe to deduce that they’re filled with snacks to the brim.

“Also I was thinking we could order some pizza for dinner. All on me, I just got payed.” Like she owns the place, Mina reaches for several bowls high up in the cupboards of the kitchen. “We’ll use these tonight..” She says it more so to herself than to anyone else, not bothering to ask me anything. Not that it was really needed, I would have given her permission anyway.

“How was your day?” Sitting down next to Daeun, who has made herself comfortable on the couch after walking in, I try to start a basic conversation. Even though I’m not particularly in the mood for anything, I decide it’s probably best to try before I ruin the fun.

“You shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is okay, you know.” My question is completely ignored, switched for a statement that sets a heavy atmosphere in the room. The little excitement I had for their visit disappears. Instead, irritation starts taking over.

“Look Daeun, I-”

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but this is not the way to cope with whatever may be happening inside you right now.” The tone she uses tells me she isn’t about to back out anytime soon. I hate it, hate how she feels like she can tell me what’s best for me.

“If this is what you came here for then I think it’s best that you leave. I’m not playing around here.” I turn away from the both of them, showing my back instead. This was supposed to be a fun evening to get my mind off him. Turns out, it’s the exact opposite.

“She’s right y/n.” It didn’t sound like Mina initially wanted to talk about this. She has always been unsure of when and how to address things, usually rather staying silent. With the right help however, Mina too will spill her words.

“This will always be a part of your life now, no matter how hard you try to erase it, you can’t. I know you’re hurting, and you’re allowed to feel hurt, we just want to help you. We’ll distract you all you like later, but for now, just confide in us please?”

It’s the way I feel both of their eyes burning into my back, the way she isn’t exactly sure how to convey her thoughts, though has the best intentions, the way a gentle hand softly lands on my shoulder. Sooner or later the dam would have broken. Apparently that time has come.

“I gave up so much for that guy! I moved to a more expensive apartment closer to his so we could see each other more, I started working more hours so he wouldn’t need to pay every time we went out together,” I never really got the chance to complain about the negative side to the changes I made, always feeling like it should be worth it, since I did it for him.

“I studied late into the night just so I had time during the day to hang out with him, do you know how much sleep I lost? I couldn’t even go home to my parents regularly anymore, for the distance was too much.”

Not exactly having expected me to rant so much, the two girls seated next to me stare in surprise. Never have I expressed any discomfort with what I was doing, always plastering a smile on my face.

“I don’t even mind that he broke up with me, I mean I do, but he was so cold! I had done my best to keep things going between us and he just gives me an ‘oh I don’t like you anymore’ like it’s common sense. I didn’t even get a thank you for all those years or a sorry for breaking it off! I just wish he’d…”

I take in a deep breath after having forgotten to breathe for the past minute, all the tears I kept in finally making an appearance as my anger get replaced by the same sadness I felt all those days ago.

“I just wished he’d at least given me reassurance I hadn’t been a waste of his time.”

The volume in which I spoke had drastically lowered, coming out in an almost-whisper. All the objects in front of me blurred as a non-stop stream of tears made it’s way out, my cries just mere silent sobs.

The hand resting on my shoulder becomes an arm pulling me into her side, the rough material of her shirt revealing her identity. Daeun doesn’t say anything as her other hand strokes through the strands of my hair, detangling any knots on the way.

For a moment I feel guilty about the tears wetting her shirt. It’s when she pulls me against her a little tighter that the feeling disappears, giving me the opportunity to fully bask in her embrace.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart.” Feeling left out, Mina pats my thigh and breaks the silence. “You worked hard didn’t you? Because you loved him.” I can hear her clothes rustling first, before her arms too wrap around the space Daeun left.

“I still do.” No matter how much I try to forget about him, I can’t seem to do it. He has engraved himself into my mind, forever stuck. If he’d ever leave is a mystery, though for now, it seems impossible.

You know what? Fuck you Kim Taehyung.

“Dude, what do you want for your birthday?” It’s Jungkook who has slammed down my door and completely disturbed my peace.

“Huh? Nothing in particular really.” Despite the rude entrance, I don’t look up from my tv screen, having already gotten used to the lack of announcements before he comes in.

“Didn’t you ask me that already two days ago?” Once again ignoring any form of politeness, the younger one makes grabby hands towards the bag of potato chips laying next to me. I don’t make any move to stop him, knowing very well I can’t win from him in a fight, ever.

“Yeah because I thought maybe you changed your mind. Usually you’re so excited for your birthday, but you just seem so… Unenthusiastic?” There is almost no way to take him seriously when he’s scarfing down my dear food like it’s water. Surely when were out next time I’ll make him get me a new bag.

“Well yeah that’s because…” What exactly was I going to say?

Finally grabbing his full attention, Jungkook puts down the bag of chips and lets himself fall down next to me. “Because?”

There is no mistaking his smirk for a smile, although he does his damn best to hide it. He knows exactly what I was about to say, and I’m not about to admit anything.

“Because I realized it’s nothing to be overly excited about. That’s it.” Challenging Jungkook to prove me wrong I stare right back at him, not planning on chickening out any time soon. It seems to have worked, as he looks away first.

“Ah is that so? I’ll just see if I can find something you’ll like myself in that case.” The boy who has silently admitted defeat removes himself from the couch, moving to his room at the other side of our apartment. “Good luck buddy.”

No longer having to pay attention to him, I rewind the movie I was watching back. That muscle bunny just made me miss the absolute best part.

“So why exactly are you dragging me to town again?”

It’s not too busy today, which should have been a given as it’s a normal weekday. Everyone is either yawning behind a desk or running around in circles depending on their career choices. Compared to them, I’m making the worst possible choice by letting my best friend convince me to skip class for a reason I wasn’t even familiar with.

“I’m having none of this ‘I don’t care what you get me’ nonsense. We’re going to find something you like, and that’s why we’re here.” Jimin takes a pause from pulling me along by hand to put both of his on his waist like a proud toddler.

“So in other words, we’re here so I can choose my own birthday gift?” Slowly I begin to understand how much of a waste of my time this is. I could’ve been doing fine trying to understand whatever Mrs. Wilson wanted to go over today, but instead I’m going to be reminded of my ex all day. Great.

Well, if she was still here it wouldn’t have mattered whether I knew what I wanted or not, she always had something great for me, and I always looked forward to it. Once she jokingly told me how she felt pressured, having to live up to my expectations. Though honestly there was nothing for her to live up to, I liked her gifts because she gave them to me. Because she always managed to make each and every birthday a fun one.

“Any ideas yet? Jewellery, clothes, games… Wait, nothing too expensive, I’ll go broke!” Jimin’s sudden panic manages to bubble up a chuckle in me. He doesn’t really seem to appreciate it though, as he scowls at the sound. “What? Your taste is too expensive!”

He knows me well it seems. Not that it was ever a real secret. When the contents of your closet is worth more than someone’s rent several times anybody would want to show that off right? Well so do I.

We walk into several stores for inspiration. No real shopping haul, just a quick in and out with Jimin trying to get a reaction out of me by stuffing things he thinks I like into my face. So far no real success, my only reaction being something along the lines of ‘ah yes that looks nice’ at everything he proposes.

It’s not like I’m purposefully trying not to find something I truly like, but more that honestly nothing catches my interest. And I promise it’s not even the price, some of my most prized possessions are the cheapest things I own. This just isn’t doing it for me.

After having been pulled into the what feels like the hundredth store, my stomach decides to make the loudest noise known to mankind. “Can we like, maybe take a break?” There is no doubt that my face is bright red at this moment, instantly heating up when Jimin laughs equally as loud.

“If you were hungry you should’ve just said so. Let’s go find something to eat.” Is probably the only sentence he said today that I’ve fully agreed on.

It sounded so easy, just find somewhere to buy food. Unfortunately, getting our tummies filled wasn’t written in our future so soon. No matter where we look, everything is either closed or completely full with customers. Who knew so many other people were hungry at this moment. Not like it’s close to dinner time or anything.

Eventually, I manage to convince Jimin to eat at a small fancy restaurant down the street on my expense. Despite him agreeing after a few attempts, a set pout is still present on his face, which doesn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. Together with some murmurs about how this isn’t fair, he makes himself look incredibly adorable.

Soon however, I would come to regret my decision. The fancy tablecloths and nicely plated food wouldn’t be looking so appealing anymore. Because even if I had convinced my mind of the truth my constant lies hold, there was simply no way for me to convince my heart too.

“Hey isn’t that y/n and… I don’t think I know him.”

The male opposite her had somehow won her over with that stupid perfect smile he wore, his eyes an annoyingly beautiful ocean deep blue and his blonde hair styled in an awfully neat way. Everything about the sight annoys the heck out of me, including the way she was smiling back at him. Why does she look so happy? When was the last time I saw her like that?

“Oh are they… I’m sorry Tae.”

I was the one who broke up with her. I was the one who walked out with a load haven fallen off of my shoulders. I was the one who ran even though she cried. There is no reason for me not to be completely fine.

“I don’t care, she can do whatever she wants now.”

So then why am I the one hurting this much?

It came sooner than expected, my birthday. Just sort of snuck up on me. After the restaurant incident Jimin himself magically decided to end the shopping trip and go home to eat. Nobody ever mentioned my birthday again in the following days.

It was pretty clear that someone had told the others about what happened, although none of them spoke about it. That someone obviously being Jimin.

“Soooo… any plans for the day?”

The question comes from Jungkook, who is fidgeting with the hem of his oversized hoodie. He stands quietly in the doorway to my room, waiting for an answer he already knows.

“Go to class and study after.”

“You’re not going out of the house? No party planned?” The suffocating nervosity radiates off of him in waves, displayed by the still ongoing fidgeting and his eyes that can’t seem to focus on one thing at a time.

“Nope, no other plans.” I sit up in bed, slowly coming to terms with the fact that I won’t be getting any more sleep. Despite him looking like he’s scared I’m going to get mad, he doesn’t actually give up, which isn’t appreciated on my part.

“Well the boys thought we could maybe go out together, get a few drinks.” On any other day besides my birthday I would’ve most likely agreed to the plan. Today however, I can’t help but relate every proposition to my birthday, which I, in case you hadn’t noticed yet, want to forget about as soon as possible.

I had already given him enough opportunities to stop. All it would take was leaving me alone. His constant persistence ends up getting to me, successfully causing me to snap at the younger boy. If he expected an outburst, he’s getting it.

“Why the fuck does everyone expect me to celebrate today? If my birthday is the day on which I can do whatever shit I want then let me do whatever I want!” It wasn’t meant to come out that way, and the guilt sets in the moment I realize it, but I don’t have time to apologize.

“Dude, you seriously need to do something about your feelings for y/n.” He sighs the words as he casually leans against the wall, his arms crossed. In an instant the awkward energy around him disappears, replaced by a very prominent eye roll. It’s not hard to guess that this has been on his mind for a while.

“Don’t mention her. This has nothing to do with her.”

“This has everything to do with her and you know it.”

I don’t have anything to say against that. We both know it’s the truth, though only one of us is trying to deny it. The dumb one.

“You know what I think? You spent your past 6 birthdays with the girl of your dreams and now that you pushed her away you have no idea what to do. Am I right?”

He is. I don’t say anything as my head lowers, slowly realizing there is no hiding anything from him. She’s still on my mind. I still wonder what she’s doing, where she is, if she’s safe. I still care. “You’re right.”

I broke up with who I considered my other half, convincing myself that I didn’t need her anymore. Who exactly was I trying to protect?

“I had to, I’ll hurt her.” I already did.

“And suddenly breaking up with her is supposed to make her happy?” I was hoping it would in the long run.

“You’re not the same as him.” Though I am. The same parents, the same group of friends growing up, the same sense of humour. We got along so well. What if we still do?

“He’s my brother Kook. We were so alike. You know he once too adored her.” We don’t talk anymore, I’m disappointed in him. He would’ve been too. I don’t understand what changed.

“He used her, nobody saw it coming. The signs were there, he just hid them too well.” Jungkook leaves his spot against to wall to comfort me, tucking my head into his neck.

“You’re not him and he isn’t you. The fact that you no longer want to be associated with him proves everything. He didn’t care about Hyeon.” So he can look straight at me, he pushes me away with his hands on my shoulders. The expression on his face tells me he’s serious.

“You love her, and you’ve got to fix this mess.”

I don’t like agreeing with him, but once again, he’s right.

As soon as I open the door I want to slam it right back into his face. Or I might want to run into his arms, I can’t decide yet. Regardless, I wasn’t expecting Taehyung to be standing on the other side when the doorbell went off.

“Umm… Hi?” All the words that have been building up in my personal dictionary seem to disappear the moment I lay my eyes on him. He still looks as good as the last time I saw him, even though the circumstances were heart-breaking.

“Hey, um I’m sorry I showed up unannounced. I didn’t really think this through…” Everything about him screams awkward. From the way his feet are pointed slightly more inwards than normally, to the way he doesn’t seem to be able to smile naturally. Instead there is this weird, tight expression on his face.

“Oh um… Would you like to come in though?” I don’t wait for an answer as I step aside, my memory helping me remind that nine out of ten times the answer to that question is ‘yes’. “Oh yeah, thank you.”

“Do you want anything to drink?” Not really having anything to say I cycle through the set few sentences I usually need when I have someone over. I’m not happy that he’s here, but I’m not the type to lash out at people.

“Ah no, I’m okay. Look I’m just going to get straight to the point, I messed up big time. I got insecure and closed myself off to everyone including you and I’m so fucking sorry that I did.”

My lack of reaction surprises me. Sure, my insides are doing somersaults, but I don’t feel the need to express any of it. Like an unused sheet of paper, my face stays blank. “And now you’re here to win me back I presume?”

Somewhere in between his statement and mine, the tables shifted. Slowly, I’m gaining the confidence he is losing.

“Well, not really, I mean yes, but-”

He catches himself rambling, shutting his mouth before any real nonsense can make it out. Taking a deep breath helps, the words coming out more fluently after. Not a great start, but it’s okay. I have patience. Sometimes.

“I just wanted to let you know that the words I shot at you that day weren’t true. I hurt you and I didn’t want those words to roam your mind not knowing they weren’t even close to what I was feeling.”

The deep breath he drew in earlier escapes in a deep sigh, followed by his mouth opening and closing a few times without any sounds making it out. “And?” It was meant as a way to encourage him to continue. Sadly, it came out rather rude.

“I do still care about you, damn I still love you more every day. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you please let me know, I don’t want to have to live in a world where my last words to you made you cry. Obviously I would want a second chance at being the proper lover you deserve, but you’re in charge here. If you want me to walk out the door I will.”

There’s a hopeful look in his eyes making my heart beat erratically. In the past I would’ve instantly dropped to my knees, making sure every wish of his came true. I am no longer that girl.

“Tae it’s been months, you can’t just suddenly drop by and tell me you’re sorry. I spent days wondering why you broke up with me, wailing over the fact that you suddenly just didn’t care anymore, and even now you’re not giving me an answer. Why did you suddenly turn your back on me? Why did you not talk to me about whatever was bothering you? Even now you’re making me feel like you couldn’t trust me. Fuck, you just left me there like I was a piece of trash!”

What was once a hopeful look in his eyes, turned into defeat. He won’t give me an answer.

“You can’t just come in here exclaiming to love me after I’ve worked so hard to get myself over you. You can’t just come in here trying to steal my heart when I’m learning to give it to somebody else.”

“The blonde haired dude?”

Perhaps I shouldn’t feel a sense of accomplishment at the clear jealousy in his voice. However, this man did break my heart in two for apparently no reason. Is it weird I would want to get back at him a little?

“His name is Yejun and he’s a great guy. Look, just leave please. I have nothing more to say or hear. We’re done.” Turning away from him I mark the end of this conversation. It takes a while before there is any movement behind me. Slow steps make their way to the front door before pausing.

“I hope he treats you well, but I’m not going to simply give up on you like that.”

And secretly, I was hoping he wouldn’t.

Two, three four days, before I realize it it has been an entire week since I last saw him. Some part of me is scared, scared that he has decided otherwise and I will never hear from him again.

I had told myself getting over him would be easy when I finally accepted the help of my friends, and for a while it was. Or so I thought, because the moment he walked in here I was right back to square one.

I’m in the middle of working on a new project when the doorbell rings. Standing up, I go to open the door wondering who it could be. If he had come back for me after all. Too bad I would soon be disappointed, as the man standing in front of my door was just an ordinary mailman.

“Umm I didn’t order anything?” My eyes fall on almost gigantic package behind the man. If I ordered some furniture I would’ve surely remembered right?

“Are you not y/f/n y/l/n?”

“No I am.”

“It clearly has your name and address on it miss.”

The building up confusion hasn’t left my head yet, but knowing there is nothing else I can do I decide to accept the package. After thanking the courier I close the door and carefully carry the big box into my living room.

The moment I open the big thing up, a bunch of big balloons float up to my low ceiling. There’s a transparent one with little hearts bouncing around inside, one that’s just one big heart itself, another one has the words ‘I love you’ written on it in a neat font. If I hadn’t checked my calendar this morning I would’ve thought it was valentine’s day.

Diving deeper into the box I find a relatively big fluffy teddy bear, hugging what seems to be a letter in a white envelope.

‘When I was 16 a miracle happened, I met the most beautiful girl. Me not being able to contain myself I immediately introduced myself to her. She said he name was y/n. I think it was back then that I decided her voice was my favourite. I was too much of a coward to ask her out at the time. I eventually did, though looking back I wish I did so sooner. There was never a boring day with her by my side.’

That’s all there is. Just a few words on an otherwise empty piece of paper. No signature at the bottom, no name, and still I knew exactly who wrote it.

The next day another package came in. This time a different set of balloons, a different stuffed animal, but the exact same white envelope.

‘When I was 22 my brother and his fiancée broke it off. Just like the piece of shit I have to call my dad he betrayed his partner’s trust, cheating on her without a second thought. My mother heard about it and accused both of us as being just like our father. You know after a while, I really started believing her.’

Each day a new box would come in, always containing a present with a letter attached.

‘I was terrified of hurting you, terrified of you seeing me the way my mom did, so I hid everything from you. I should’ve known that I can’t hide anything, you know me too well. I panicked and left you, the biggest mistake I could ever make. One that made everything that was already happening so much worse. I tried telling myself I didn’t need you, but I just couldn’t.’

I believed him, believed in the words he wrote down.

‘I’m so fucking sorry for everything I put you through. It’s all my fault and I’ll spend forever owning up to my mistakes. I love you and I don’t want to live without you. Please just give me one more chance to prove myself to you. One is all I need.’

I’m sorry Yejun, I can’t forget about him after all.

Actually he should be the one who is nervous, and well maybe he is, but I’m the one standing on his front porch with my knees shaking and my heart beating right out of my chest. At one point I was even scared he would be able to hear me through the door.

Shaking my head I gather all the courage I can to knock on his door before I turn around and run back in the direction I came from. However, when I hear the sound of my fist on the hard wood I briefly still consider hiding somewhere.

Luckily I don’t get the chance to. While still going back and forth between the options staying or coming back some other time, the door creaks. I stiffly force my hands to stay still at my sides. The time it takes for the door to actually open seems like an entirety. If you were to count the passing seconds it would at most be like 5, which doesn’t sound like much, it feels like much.

“y/n?” His stance looks like a ‘what are you doing here?’, but his eyes give more of a ‘please say you’re here to forgive me’. Well, the latter would be right. “Can I come in?”

“Y-yeah of course.”

It’s not hard to notice that he is uncertain of his actions. It pleases me on one hand, as it gives me some sort of confirmation that he doesn’t want to make any more mistakes around me. On the other hand, I don’t like seeing him uptight around me. I wish he was more comfortable when I’m near.

“I received the letters you wrote.” He knows I received his letters, he was the one who wrote them and sent them out. Surprisingly though, he almost audibly swallows at the information like he did something bad.

“Why couldn’t you tell me in person?” It takes me back to the day he suddenly landed on my doorstep. Even when I explicitly asked for it, he gave me nothing.

“I was scared, I couldn’t get the words out. I wasn’t at all prepared.” He takes a pause before continuing. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just didn’t know what else to believe at that point.”

Carefully, I reach out my hand to place on top of his laying on his lap. I don’t touch his skin yet, patiently waiting for him to give me some sort of consent. It comes in the form of him softly raising his hand to meet mine.

“I know, we all have our insecure times. You’re not obligated to tell me anything. I can’t and shouldn’t force you to. I’m sorry I doubted you. I was only upset about the way you left.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I thought that if your last memory of me was a bad one you’d forget me faster.”

It didn’t work the way he wanted it to, but he already knows. Already having been hit with that fact multiple times, I decide to spare him. I don’t mention it again.

“Did you ever stop loving me?” At the time it seemed like he did. Like he wasn’t simply acting, like those harsh words were what he truly felt. “Be honest please.” I don’t want any more lies. I’ll accept whatever comes out, even if it throws me right back to where I started.

“I-I don’t know… I really thought my mother was right. That what I had for you wasn’t what it seemed to be.” His gaze briefly drifts to the ground, before focussing on our touching hands. Like magic, the uncomfortableness he was feeling seems to shift. “No matter what she or I tried to convince myself of, something was always missing. I couldn’t put a mask over my own hurting and guilt anymore.”

He spoke the truth. Well at least I think he did. And so I accepted it.

“Okay, thank you for telling me.”

This talk was long overdue. Something we both needed and completely missed. No screaming, no crying, no accusing. If only it went this way from the start. We’re not all perfect though. Even if someone out there is, I’m not, he isn’t. They must be laughing at us.

“Your letters were cheesy. The gifts too.” I’m not sure if this is me trying to lighten the mood, or if I’m just stating facts. Regardless, it makes the both of us smile.

“I know. But you love cheesy things, like the roses I buy you on special occasions.” When he looks back at me I have to resist the urge to jump on him. The smile he wears look good on him. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it. “You know me too well.”

“Well did they work?”

I had already made up my mind a few days back. While staring at the floating balloons occupying my living room I had decided for myself that he’s worth it. He is.

Tilting my head up like I’m still thinking, I make clear ‘hmm’ sound. I had thought that the answer is quite obvious, seeing as I came to him myself, but when doubt takes away his smile I drop the act. I’ve been through enough. We’ve both been through enough.

“Yeah, yeah it did.”

Unlike myself, he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me. Burying his head in the crook of my neck like he used to do, he lets out a few low ‘thank you’s’. It doesn’t take me long to return the hug, feeling just as safe with him as I used to.

“What about.. Ah I forgot his name.” It’s not hard to guess who he’s hinting at, the sourness in his voice giving him away. I understand, I wouldn’t like it either.

“I ended things.” His answer just comes in the for of a small nod. There is no need for anything more.

“I honestly thought you were going to reject me again.” He ends his sentence with a chuckle and completely relaxes in my hold. Now that the tension is gone, we can go back to where we left off, slowly rebuilding what was lost.

“I was just playing with you, I’m sorry. But no more being an asshole okay? I promise I will kick your ass.” My giggling might undermine the threat a little to others. Luckily, he knows I’m serious.

“I will give you full permission to, but you’ll never have to. I’m going to dump so much love on you that you’ll regret ever even thinking about taking me back. You’re stuck with me now though, so you better be prepared.”

Pulling himself back a little, he plants a gentle kiss on my lips. And then another one, a second one, three more, each kiss more passionate than the last. A fire spreads throughout my body, burning away the few doubts I had left with success. Eventually, to my dismay, I have to pull back for air. Damn humans for needing oxygen.

“Oh? I’d like to see you try.”

Just in case you were wondering, I never did regret it.

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s-creations · 3 years

Text

This Lullaby

He knew it was going to be a struggle. They all knew it was going to be a struggle. But raising Della's children, for some reason, makes Donald feel worse than before. And he wasn't sure how to make that feeling go away.

Fandom: DuckTales 2017 / The Three Caballeros Rating: General Audience Relationships/Pairings: José Carioca/Donald Duck/Panchito Pistoles Additional Tags: Original Character, Depression, Loss, Loss of Family.

Part of a Series Called: We’re the Three- Sorry, Six Caballeros!

Hey everybody! Just like the previous entry to this, I have tagged depression on this installment as well. I think it's a bit more pronounced that in the previous story. So, just be warned, it's there.

And someday I'll make a happy story with these six. Someday...but not today.

If Della was there, Donald would want her to explain why she thought Jet, Turbo, and Rebel were good names to give children. I mean, really? Those were names you use for imaginary friends. This was a setup for the triplets to be bullied later in their lives. Seriously, what was she thinking?

But...Della wasn’t there. So, he had to just silently stew. Wondering what her thought process had been.

More than just her naming choices.

Donald named the older triplet Hubert, or Huey, after a captain the older duck has served under. A tough but fair bulldog. Built like a wall and able to punch with the strength of a bulldozer. Or, that’s what the stories swapped between the cadets said. But the bulldog was more of a talker. Wanting to smooth things over any confrontations with words before the fists had to come out. A philosophy that Donald had hoped the older triplet would follow.

Dewford, or Dewey, was given his name by Panchito. The rooster recalled his favorite childhood storybook that he’d read multiple times when the family became too loud. One that told of an adventurer who saves the world on a regular basis. The main character was brave, putting the needs of others before his own and making sure the innocent were kept safe. While it hit a little close to home for Donald, the duck couldn’t help but admit that the name seemed to fit the duckling perfectly.

José had taken a while in naming the youngest. A few days passed before he gave his choice to the other two. Llewellyn, or Louie, named after the parrot’s late grandfather. Shocking both the duck and rooster by the reveal as they’d never heard of this parrot before. José was known to not get along well with his family. He explains, while cradling the green bundled form closer, that his grandfather was the only person José had connected with. The elder parrot had passed when José was only four. Far too soon.

The other two pressed closer after the reveal. Saying that Louie was a perfect name. A wonderful way to remember a good soul.

It was hard getting into a new routine. When the triplets were still eggs, all that was needed was to keep them warm and keep them on a stable surface. Now it was about keeping the triplets entertained. Fed. Cleaned. Making sure they get enough sleep. Deciding if pre-school was a better place to start schooling then kindergarten. When would be the best time for them to start socializing?

“Why is it so hard to find a three seated stroller that can break apart into separate single ones? Do I really have to design my own?” Donald grumbled as he scrolled through the shopping page.

Panchito looked over from his spot on the couch with a raised brow. “Why would we need that? We can just take them on a walk together, all in single strollers.”

“What if José’s not here.”

“Um, a duo stroller with a single one?”

“What if you’re both not home and I need to get out of the house with the kids?”

“...We’ll keep looking.”

The duck couldn’t say this enough times about how thankful he was that Panchito and José were there to help. Trying to balance all of this and worry about keeping a stable job? He would have started molting long before the eggs had hatched.

How would Della have handled this?

While the other two took care of finances, Donald focused his energy and attention on the home front. Even then, caring for the house and the triplets was a...struggle. He wasn’t sure how to raise kids. His own childhood was filled with being dropped off at a new family member’s house every other weekend. Or on dangerous adventures in which he should have and almost did die. Only surviving on sheer dumb luck.

Luck, from him, could you imagine?

Della’s luck didn’t last forever.

The triplets were exploratory the moment they learned how to crawl. If Donald had his back turned for even a second, they would scatter. Thankfully, due to the older duck’s prep work, they couldn’t get into the many places. But that didn’t mean the triplets couldn’t find new areas to help give their uncle a heart attack. Like when Dewey somehow found his way onto the top of the refrigerator.

How? How was that even possible? Donald was feeling absolutely exhausted…

“Do you need me to take some time off? I am sure I can convince my company to give me a few days home to help with the boys and let you sleep.” José offered.

“No no. I’m sure they're still upset since you left so suddenly before, then decided to change location, and then ask for more time off only a few months later? No, you don’t need to worry about that. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“I could ask for time off.” Panchito voiced.

“You just started working. Guy, I’m serious when I say I’m fine. The triplets are just a bit of a handful. I got this.”

It wasn’t a necessary lie. But it wasn’t fully true either. Just like when the other two asked if he was okay when they first arrived. Donald knew he was in an unstable state at this moment. He was emotionally and mentally exhausted. Everyday it was an internal battle of wanting his family back and never wanting to experience that kind of pain again. He was still angry with Scrooge and Gyro with how they handled the entire situation. Still hurt that Gladstone was so indifferent or angry without truly being involved. Donald would have reached out to Fethry, but he knew how much of a blabbermouth his cousin was. And he didn’t want Scrooge to know anything about his life.

What was most painful was how torn he was feeling about Della. Donald was furious that she just left. That she would just abandon her eggs, and so easily too. For Donald, it was a declaration that she didn’t want to be responsible. It was just something she wanted someone else to take care of them. How was he supposed to explain this to the triplets when they started asking what happened to their mother?

The turmoil that Donald felt was the idea that...could he really be mad at her? She was gone. Her choice was paid with the ultimate price. So could he hold a grudge with someone who wasn’t there? Who was never going to be there. He wanted to. But he knew it would just drive him further into an unkempt state. Holding a grudge against someone he would never see again. There would be anger burning in him that would never be able to be released.

As if Donald didn’t have enough issues with his anger.

Donald was brought out of his thoughts hearing gentle coos. Eyes traveling over to the standing playpen. The triplets were starting to try and stand. Dewey showed off his skills as he clung to the pen’s wall netting. His brother’s were more interested in the surrounding toys. But the blue dressed triplet was focused on his fractured uncle.

Letting out a small sigh, Donald lifted Dewey up, sitting down by the playpen.

“You should be with your mother… She should be here, raising you three… All of this...it’s all so unfair…” He pulled Dewey closer, cradling the small head with his hand and it was pressed against his chest.

Donald was tired. He was scared. He didn’t know what he was doing. He wondered why Panchito and José would stick around. They were supposed to be living their life in vibrant cities that matched their personalities. Not stuck here. Dealing with the absolute mess that was Donald and his life and his famiy. It was a battle between knowing he needed the help and not wanting to be a burden.

A small pat to his chest brought attention back to the triplet laying on his chest. Dewey letting out a small whimper. As if he was aware of how upset his uncle was.

Donald gave a gentle smile to the duckling. He cautiously stood, collecting the other two, and laid them out on the blanket that had been placed on the floor. Donald laid himself down on his stomach. Laughing softly as the triplets began crawling closer. Babbling as they clung to feathers and attempted to climb onto their uncle.

A misstep from Huey caused him to take a tumble, landing on his back. Small sobs bubbling up as his legs kicked desperately. In response, Donald reached out, cradling the red cladded triplet’s head in his hand while the other rested on the stomach. Huey turned to face his uncle. Unshed tears at the corners of his eyes were gently wiped away.

“Look to the stars my darling baby boys…”

Huey’s eyes lit up, falling completely still as he focused on Donald. Dewey and Louie rolled off their uncle. Instead propping themselves up on Donald’s arms, starting at him as well. Their eyes wide with curiosity.

Now that he had full attention by his audience, Donald started again.

Look to the stars my darling baby boys,

Life is strange and vast,

Filled with wondrous and joys,

Face each new sun with eyes clear and true,

Unafraid of the unknown,

Because I’ll face it all with you.

He was crying before he finished. No sobbing or cracking voice, just tears. The triplets had calmed down and were starting to drift off. Unaware of their uncle finally reaching his breaking point. Donald didn’t flinch when José and Panchito suddenly appeared. Each laying on either side of the duck, whose eyes were still trained on the triplets.

“I don’t think I know that song.” Panchito whispered.

“Della wrote it,” Donald replied, “She’d sing it to them every night… When they were still eggs and she was...you know...still here.”

“It was beautiful. We shall need to sing it more.” José suggested, pressing closer.

Donald didn’t reply right away. Focusing on the warmth seeping in from the bodies pressed against him. “I think there’s something wrong with me. I’m...angry. Not just angry, I can’t focus. I don’t know what I’m really angry about. I think. I just know that I am. I’m so...exhausted.”

The parrot hummed. Reaching up to preen at the exposed white feathers. “I think...you have had a lot of things being thrown at you. Very quickly. Without a way to fully...understand how to deal with it. Like me.”

“Like you?”

“Very much like me. I believe it would benefit you if you saw someone. It has helped me.”

“...When have you started seeing a therapist?”

“A few years now. Panchito convinced me to do so.”

“I can try and convince you as well.” The rooster added with a smile.

Donald gave a soft laugh. “No...I’ll go… I think I need to go. I know I need it… I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. We understand, we are just here to help.” José whispered, Panchito nodded softly as he laid his head on the duck’s shoulder.

Donald let out a shaky breath, eyes closing as he sank into the warmth surrounding him.

“It will be okay. We are here for you and it will be okay…”

_____________________

Donald let out a slow breath, scrunching himself further down into the cushioned chair. The triplets were babbling happily resting in their three seated stroller. All being entertained by Panchito while José focused on the older duck. The waiting room for the therapy office was small, with only a few cushioned chairs, a fake plant pushed into the corner, with a magazine rack hanging on the wall. The reception desk was situated across from the entrance with a large window resting across from where the six of them were resting.

Donald was realizing how cold this office was.

“You will be fine. Dr. Bessing is amazing. I have only been with her for a few months, but I trust her.” José said as he took Donald’s hand gently.

“What if I don’t like her?” The duck questioned quietly.

“Then we find someone else. And we will keep doing this until we find someone you do trust. It will be fine,” José smiled softly, “Do you trust me?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Then trust me when I say you will be cared for.”

Whatever bravado Donald had started to build was instantly broken when the nearby door opened. A robin with short brown hair and casually dressed entered, carrying a clipboard. She smiled over at the six of them. Giving a small coo seeing the triplets before her full attention went to Donald. “Mr. Donald Duck?”

José gave a gentle nudge, giving an encouraging smile as Donald slowly stood. He was led to where the back offices were. Entering one of the rather small rooms, the large window showing the garden behind the building being the first thing Donald noticed. It was sunny outside, the light hitting the garden path perfection. It looked like it came from a photograph.

The office itself was small, but rather cozy. Warm and inviting. Even with the numerous medical items seen around the room. A desk was pushed against the wall that was across from the window, framed with paperwork and books, a closed laptop resting in the center, and a leather, armed chair placed before it. Numerous diplomas were hanging on the wall above said desk. A cushioned chair was facing the desk, with a small end table nearby that was covered with numerous children’s toys. A large bookshelf was placed by the window and was filled with a number of thick volumes. Donald couldn’t really read all the titles. But from what he’d been able to see, they all held something about psychology.

“Go ahead and take a seat.” Dr. Bessing smiled as she took the seat by the desk. Donald let out a shaky sigh as he did as was suggested. “So, how are you feeling today? I know therapy can be a little overwhelming for the first time.”

“Um...yeah, I am a little nervous.”

“Completely understandable. You’re not used to opening up to complete strangers and now you're suddenly supposed to change your whole outlook? In one hour? It’s a weird feeling. But I am here to assure you that you have nothing to worry about. This is a safe space and nothing will be shared with anyone unless it’s on your say so.”

“Okay… Um, did José tell you...anything? I-I know you’re seeing him. Am I allowed to know that? I’m not breaking any rules am I?”

“No, you’re all good. José is allowed to share who he sees and what we talk about if he wants. The clients are in control as to what’s shared with other members of the family and friends. As far as him telling me anything, he just informed me you’re having a bit of a family issue. Nothing more. I want you to tell me what’s happening in your life. Even if he’s your husband, he can’t speak for your experiences directly. And, I will say this again, nothing leaves this room unless you want to share it. Either here or at home. It’s about making you feel safe.”

“Okay… I… Where do I...how do I start this?”

“Why don’t you just start with what brought you in today. What has happened currently that would make you feel that you need to see someone.”

Donald nodded, rubbing his hands together. “...Sorry, I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“That’s fine. First session is an open book, you just talk with whatever comes to mind, and it sounds like there’s a lot to tell. Just take a few minutes, try and get everything in order, and start when you feel ready.”

Taking a few deep breaths, Donald allowed himself a few minutes. Eyes traveling to the garden as he tried to find the right words to start with. A small smile formed seeing numerous daffodils growing proudly among the green.

Della’s favorite flower...

He gave another nod and started.

#Donald Duck #Jose Carioca #Panchito Pistoles #jose carioca/donald duck/panchito pistoles #The Three Caballeros #the three gay caballeros #s-creations

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highladyluck · 3 years

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Here, have 4.5 pages of rambly Tuon meta. I wrote this to try to get a handle on Tuon’s character, and to develop the theoretical framework for a redemption arc for her. I’m hoping posting this doesn’t cut my motivation to actually write it...

Who is Tuon? Tuon Athaem Kore Paendrag, High Lady, Daughter of the Nine Moons; now the Empress of Seanchan (at least on the westlands side), Fortuona Athaem Kore Paendrag. To borrow some phrasing and framing from @websandwhiskers: She’s the pinnacle of Seanchan culture and an extremely functional tool of the state; responsible (both personally and institutionally) for psychologically and physically torturing people and enslaving them; she also has some compelling moral and personal qualities that she and the state have not yet managed to quash, which kind of makes it all worse, ethically speaking. She’s a villain whom the original narrative neither sufficiently condemns nor sufficiently redeems, married to one of the Big Damn Heroes in a match that’s both very odd couple and very complementary.

She respects people who stand up to her, as long as they aren't 'disrespectful' in the process- and the 'disrespect' is very situational, she'll accept things in private or in non-court settings that she can't let slide in court without losing face and therefore power. She cares very much about the legitimacy of authority, because it correlates positively with stability and is ingrained in her self-image, but she has an autocrat’s idea of what is legitimate. She assumes you know your own self-worth in relation to hers and are prepared to both display it and back it up. She has also internalized that other people's challenges of her are opportunities for her to prove her strength and fitness to rule, and she probably low-key seeks to provoke reactions now as validation/training, for herself and others.

She has rigid moral standards within the context she was raised in, and punishes herself first for perceived failure because if she does it first, perhaps she can avoid someone else doing it, with deadlier results. She has never been allowed to be less than perfect by her culture's standards- she can be (and has been) odd, but she cannot be flawed- and possibly expends all of her natural empathy on others instead of herself, because she can't afford that kind of indulgence herself, but she knows she owes it to lesser beings?

And as @websandwhiskers pointed out, she does have a lot of empathy within allowable contexts, and I think she is willing to push the envelope compared to her peers as long as she/the empire isn't directly threatened. That's what the kiss after Mat let the poisonous snake go was about. The snake was poisonous but not attacking, and not likely to attack unless someone escalated the situation, and Mat deescalated it. No harm, no foul. Mat responded to a fraught situation both logically and mercifully, in the way she imagined she would have if she had been in his shoes and known he same facts he did, and she rewarded him.

She’s competent and charismatic; I hesitate to say that she inspires loyalty in underlings because honestly with the damane it’s brainwashing (eurgh). But Selucia and Karede are both really into her, personally, even when there are societal inducements not to play favorites. Mat is loyal to her, though honestly Mat is loyal to like... anyone he’s responsible for, so maybe it’s more relevant to say that Mat genuinely likes her; at least, he likes the person he thinks he can coax out of her, and in terms of the persona she has more typically, I think he responds well to her competency and self-possession. The ability to project those things is probably a big part of what goes into charisma.

She thinks that the people who oppose her just don't have all the facts. She doesn't like to admit she's changed her mind; it looks like weakness; she's fine identifying it in others but not herself. Ideally she would pretend things have always been the way she now knows they are, and if she can't, she goes for the "Yes [fact], but [here's what I've decided is now germane to the argument at hand]." redefinition of the problem. She always thinks she’s right, though she does tend to leave some space between when she’s decided something and when she promulgates the decision, to allow for opposing arguments.

I think the original relationship Tuon has with omens is that she uses them to look for external justification from the universe for decisions she's already made. (I mostly like Sanderson's Tuon POVs, but I also I think Sanderson sometimes used omens as a 'make Tuon do OOC things for the plot' card.) Tuon's running dialogue with omens also shows that she's always observing the world and interpreting her effect on it and its effect on her. She loses her composure with omens when they are more concrete and less subject to her control (via interpretation), as with Lidya's fortune.

It makes sense that she's super controlling. It was how she was raised, and aside from having loyal/brainwashed companions (who are, themselves, a form of distributed control), being controlling is obviously the only thing that makes her feel safe. It's still interesting how it extends into a dialogue with the Pattern itself. Like Mat, she wants to survive and she wants to go her own way, and also like Mat she's caught up in the Pattern a little more tightly than others. I think she and Mat have both subconsciously decided that the only way to deal with what the universe wants you to do, when the universe is that powerful, is to say "Fine, I didn't really want to do that other thing anyway, let's learn how this path works and play to win."

She knows she makes bad decisions when angry, and I think in general she distrusts strong emotions, or at least tries to hold them at arms' length so they don't form part of her judgment. She's very very good at compartmentalizing, but as a result sometimes emotional stuff will come up and blindside her a little because she doesn't prioritize it or see it as a natural part of her decision-making. I think her emotions do influence her, usually subconsciously, but she's obviously a Thinking type. (Mat is also a compartmentalizer, but more somatic/emotionally focused; he's got his feelings directly wired into his body and together they make decisions that his brain then evaluates a second later, with running commentary that he never expresses to anyone else. They are both comedically un-self-aware, although Tuon is even less self-aware than Mat is, since at least on some level Mat knows he's been repeatedly traumatized even if he tries to pretend he isn't, while Tuon still thinks that her childhood was completely fine.)

Within the original narrative, I think her POVs are always a bit mysterious and her actions are always a little surprising. What’s impressive about that is that this is basically *always* true no matter what setting she’s in and what she’s doing. When you’re in her head you see her thought process ticking away, but RJ and Sanderson both have her constantly withholding important contextual details in her POVs, like Lidya’s prophecy (the hints are there and come out in bits and pieces, but she doesn’t reveal everything and slot it into context until 2 books later). Like with reading Mat, you’re aware that she obviously has reasons for what she’s doing and you even see her decision-making process, but because you’re missing the details, she remains opaque even though you’re in her head. (Mat’s decision-making process is more clear to the reader, but somewhat opaque to himself and definitely opaque to those around him.)

Meanwhile the things Tuon does share via narration or via action are always kind of buck-wild for the reader because her entire deal is such a culture shock. She’s obviously surprising Mat & co, but what’s weird is that she also seems to be constantly surprising her fellow Seanchan. Her scenes with her peers are usually punctuated with shocked murmuring in the background. They have trouble anticipating her, both because she keeps her cards close to her chest, and I also think because she’s a slightly different person from the one who lived her entire life in a cloistered murdersphere in Seanchan, and if she wasn’t a different person after leaving home, she’s definitely one after her kidnapping. But I think she is a fundamentally different person after leaving home, because of the structural parallels she has with Mat.

In Mat’s first POV chapter, he wakes up in Tar Valon with partial amnesia and a much stronger sense of self-preservation than he had before. As everybodyhatesrand points out (crediting but not tagging them since I feel like they wouldn’t appreciate being tagged in Tuon apologia), we have never been in pre-dagger!Mat’s head. We have never been in dagger!Mat’s head. Everyone in the books, throughout the books, is like “At least Mat’s still the same!” and yeah, he does do and say more or less the same things before and after the dagger. But we had to take it on faith that his personality is more or less intact pre- and post-dagger because we, the readers, only know post-dagger!Mat’s inner monologues. The Mat we inhabit in book 3? He’s been broken. The continuity between his old life and his new life has been disrupted (and will continue to be disrupted, including with an actual literal timeline reboot!) He immediately starts off to fix himself, others, and then eventually the world, so it’s motivating, but the hits really just keep coming...

Like Mat, Tuon’s first POV only appears after she’s left the traumatic environment that shaped her. We don’t know what travelling across the sea did to her sense of self (and we can’t really know since we don’t have that in-Seanchan-baseline), though we do know she’s changed after travelling with Mat (aside from catching feelings, I think she learned that the Seanchan are not always in possession of all the facts), and we know what becoming Empress did to her (she doubled down on duty and lost a lot of personal flexibility). I think there are major structural parallels between Mat and Tuon’s POVs because they’re both broken people who try their very best to act as if they are not broken. In Tuon’s case I think she just doesn’t know how broken she is. In Mat’s case, he knows, but he’s doing a weird balancing act of integrating lessons learned (healing!) while also, like, frantically trying to ignore or drown out the emotional cost of trauma (not healing!)

By the end of the series I think Tuon knows, but is not letting herself actually think, that being made damane is a) a real possibility for her, specifically, and b) that it is not, in fact, something she would willingly choose for herself even to serve the empire. I think this is different from the more intellectual disgust of the idea of herself channeling; that's abstract, and she imagines there's an actual choice for the person with the spark between channeling and not channeling, or possibly that there's an actual choice between learning to channel vs not learning to channel if you have the spark inborn. (We know that the actual choice if you have the spark is 'learn to channel properly or die'.) Tuon's out there like "If I were a marath'damane I would simply choose not to channel. RIP to marath'damane but I'm different".

She's never been a marath'damane in the sense of someone who started channeling involuntarily, and isn't interested in imagining herself as one, at least not when confronted by someone who is succeeding in making her angry. So even if you made her choose, as a theoretical marath'damane, between dying and learning to channel properly, I think she'd consider 'learning to channel properly' as 'becoming a murderer' and therefore the choice would be between dying and becoming a murderer. There's a clear argument to be made in that idiom that the marath'damane is 'becoming a murderer' in self-defense, which would have a different moral tenor (manslaughter vs murder). But Tuon strikes me as the type to say in an argument (and probably believe) that "The end result is the same & I would die before compromising my principles.”

I think in the confrontation with Egwene she probably internally justified not putting the collar on because there was a Seanchan audience and because the taunt came from an escaped damane, even though the actual reason was fear that it would work. She’s letting the circumstances invalidate the argument so she doesn’t have to think about it. I think if she were to let herself think about the authentic emotional response- and she probably has, I feel like she does a postmortem on all of her public discomposure- she would consciously know that her instinct was that it would work on her, and furthermore she would know that she does not want to be damane, even if the Empire would require her to be.

If she followed out the chain of reasoning, she’d know that if she were a damane, if she were actually leashed, she would be forced to channel. She’d know because she’s taken great pleasure in training and breaking damane, and she knows how to get damane to channel and how to break them. Therefore, if she were damane, she would know that she would need to be broken, and she knows how she would go about breaking herself. She probably thinks that her last act of free will would be to suicide if she possibly could. But I think that what she’s AFRAID OF is that she would actually convince herself that being the very best damane is all she wants out of life. And that's the scary, universe-ending thought she's avoiding the consequences of, because a) it’s about breaking herself (as Cadsuane points out, no one can easily think about breaking themselves) and b) the fact that she would need to be broken and that she doesn’t like the idea is a sign that she’s not the perfect avatar of the Empire that she thinks she should be.

I think becoming damane has been added- in the bare abstract- to her mental list of the price of failure. It's a very fundamental loss of control and identity, where all she has is resignation and brainwashing that- best case scenario- she does to herself. She's scared of it in a way she was not before, now that it's been made personal. Like Mat, she's going to shove that down deep and ignore the bad scary implications as long as she can, up until the point that they actually disable her or otherwise bleed out into her intellectual or physical world in ways that aren't as ignorable.

But while Tuon thinks she would die before compromising her principles, and even more secretly is extremely afraid that she *wouldn't*, I also think that like Mat, if it came down to it she would transform herself radically to survive *as herself*.

She’d realize that she has other principles, more human ones, underlying her socially acceptable and externally imposed principles of enforcing hierarchy and maintaining personal integrity. (Parallels to dagger!Mat being exorcised?) I think her basic motivations are that she should survive, that she should retain as much control/power over her own fate as possible, and that she should make decisions from a place of empathy rather than anger or fear. I think she would also realize that she does in fact value some principles over others. She would redefine the meaning of ‘personal integrity’ to separate it from what the state wants.

If she knew what was really driving her socially acceptable principles, and that there was a difference between what she really, fundamentally wanted & what she had been told to want, with encouragement she could prioritize the organic, primal ones and apply those to the external world. If she is a person, then everyone else is a person, and she should want for them what she wants for herself. I think she might get to the point of realizing there is an alternative path (of what looks like selfishness) but I don't think she's going to let herself be selfish (in this healing, positive way) without external prompting/confirmation, so this is probably where friends, positive role models, and finally omens come in.

#tuon paendrag #problematic fave tuon #meta #wheel of time #If I were a marath'damane I would simply choose not to channel. RIP to marath'damane but I'm different.

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shabre-legacy · 3 years

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@grandninjamasterren you seemed to really like that prologue for the story I’m considering working on again, so how about a bit from the first chapter of that same story.

SYLETRA

Syletra quietly slipped through the trees, taking care to keep her footsteps nearly silent. The 20 year old princess of a destroyed kingdom seemed to be born to the forest. Her black hair shone and danced with the shadows and her dark eyes seemed to emit a golden glow. She moved quickly but even as silent as she was, the beautiful horse following her was not. “ Shoo Ayasha, shoo” she hissed as she neared a clearing. The horse shook her head and nickered quietly. Syletra rolled her eyes and stepped into the clearing as the buskskin standing to the side turned his head and responded to Ayasha with a loud snort.

A young elf stood by the horse, checking the girth on a saddle secured to traveling packs. He glanced up and a hand in greeting. “ Sy, what are you doing here, I thought the temple had devotions today.”

Syletra shrugged, “They are, Ascelyn. But as I have explained so many times, I’m not a priestess, so I don’t have to be there”

Ascelyn looked a bit sheepish. He scratched his head. “ You know I haven’t been able to remember those temple rules, they confuse me.”

“You didn’t forget,” Syletra said, rolling her eyes at his pathetic attempt at deflection. “you just thought that I would be too busy with the rituals to remember the day”

Ascelyn sighed as he acknowledged her accuracy. “ya, maybe you’re right, maybe I just didn’t want anyone trying to stop me.” He snapped out slightly irritated at the delay of his plan.

Syletra stepped closer and laid a hand of his shoulder, “ Who said I was here to stop you? We’re coming with.”

Ascelyn’s smile that had just been starting to appear, narrowed in suspicion “Who’s we?”

“Me and Issy, of course”

“Issy, a priestess in training has permission to leave the temple?”

“Well....Technically, no, but… you are like family and Jhaeros is like family and he is your brother and emotionally he is our brother. So...If anyone’s going to help you bring him home, it’s us”

Ascelyn sighed, Sy was babbling, she only did that when making an excuse. “You’re running, aren’t you?”

Syletra looked stunned that he would even think such a thing, but overdone, clearly an overdramatic fake at attempting to look sincere. “What... No...I would never”

Ascelyn crossed his arms and leaned against his horse, lifting his eyebrows slightly as he stared down Syletra, a small smirk on his face. “Yes, you are. You do want to bring Jhaeros home, but you are also running away.”

Syletra’s entire body seemed to deflate, she leaned forward, Ascelyn moving to stand near her as Syletra’s forehead rested on Ascelyn’s chest. “ I guess, maybe, I mean since Jhaeros isn’t back yet, he clearly needs some help, but honestly the priestesses keep saying I need to ‘accept my destiny’ and ‘claim my father’s throne’ and ‘ the people will follow you to war’, but I don’t want to be queen or lead armies to war. I just want to explore, and rest in the temple and run through the forest and not deal with any of that.”

Ascelyn gently pushed her shoulders, causing her to straighten, “You do realize that we might have to fight to get Jhaeros back, that isn’t exactly exploring the forest. And you’ve heard the stories of my time away. The world beyond the temple is crawling with demons, they could show up anywhere we go, they Will try to kill us on sight. Sure you can handle that?”

“Yes, It’s for family. Queen is something I have no desire for. I don’t want that responsibility, I just want my family back.”

“Ok then, we should get on the road soon, they tended to get worse when it got dark. Where is Issy meeting us.”

Syletra smiled and clapped his shoulder “She’ll meet us in the glenn before the bridge.” She stepped away and gathering the reins, mounted Ayasha in a single fluid motion, speaking of years of practice. Ascelyn moved back and mounted the buckskin, a determined, but playful glint in his eyes. They turned their horses and moved out of the clearing. Their large, heavy, beautiful horses matching steps and skillfully weaving through the trees. They trotted into the glenn. The Temple Divine on one side and the bridge on the other. There in the middle stood Issobella, her beautiful black paint mare and the High Priestess of the Divine. The sun glinting off the gold of her crown and her dark cool amber skin. She stood proudly in her purple robe, with Issobella looking a bit embarrassed and a bit nervous behind her. A fierce, gorgeous falcon sat perched on Issy’s shoulder. Issobella’s warm brass skin contrasting beautifully with the pale blue riding robes of a Divine priestess. Her eyes shone like twin pieces of amber pulled from the fire, the braids she had her hair pulled back into emphasized her delicate features, yet somehow allowed the strength in her eyes to shine.

The High Priestess stepped forward and Syletra seemed to shrink. She was absolutely sure she was going to be in trouble. Instead the High Priestess stepped to Ayasha’s side and placed a hand on her knee, “Are you certain that this is what you desire child? the world beyond our protections has become dangerous and you will face not only the dangers of the road and of demons, but also of those who call themselves king, should they learn you live and have no army to protect you.”

Syletra looked down at her from her perch on her horse. “I’m certain, high mother” She said respectfully “Jhaeros is out there and he is like a brother, I need to help bring him home”

The High Priestess sighed softly and reached into her pouch, handing Syletra a small, but ornate and heavy book. “Your mother sent this here before she had you brought here. She filled it with all the things she wanted you to know, but never got the chance to tell you. If you truly intend to finally enter the world beyond our small haven, you should have her wisdom with you.”

Syletra nearly cried, there on her horse. Something from the mother she didn’t remember, written just for her, and the High Priestess’s blessing to leave. Maybe leaving her ‘destiny’ behind wouldn’t be as challenging as she had thought. The Priestess raised her hand and shimmering in the air appeared a sword and a simple but elegant staff. She gently waved her hand and the sword floated over and landed on Syletra’s pack, neatly slipping under the cords tying everything down and the staff seemingly secured itself to Raine’s pack near Issobella’s bow. She placed her hand on Syletra’s knee again. “May the grace of the Goddess be with you and her light show you the way”

The Priestess moved away and turned to Issobella. Issy bowed her head slightly as she felt the Priestess place a hand on her shoulder. “High Mother” she murmured with respect. She looked up as the High Priestess gently squeezed, moving to gently grip her chin and lifting to look into Issobella’s eyes. “ You have been blessed by the goddess. Do not forget it and when you have wandered as far as you desire, there is a place here for you. The staff is a gift from all your sisters here, you will also find a few volumes and a new falconer’s glove in your pack. Use these well, kill any demon who threatens you in the name of the Divine and make us proud.” She leaned forward and gently placed a kiss on her forehead. Stepping back she looked at the two girls she had raised from babies. Syletra on her palomino mare, her honey gold skin and golden eyes, strong and proud, black hair floating gently in a summer breeze, looking every inch the princess she was and Issobella, delicate features failing to hide her power and thirst for adventure and knowledge. They had grown up well and she was so proud of them. She feared for them, with the chaos the world had descended into, but she had prepared them and could not force them to remain, and by the Goddess, they had become for more than she had ever thought they could be. “ Good luck! You will both do great things and there will a place here if ever you desire to return. Be safe and may the goddess watch over you both.” She turned and headed back to the Temple, pausing long enough to call back to Ascelyn “ I hope you find your brother safe. Take care and try not to get my girls killed” She stepped out of sight, beyond the garden hedge, knowing that leaving the only real home those three had ever known would be hard enough without others around.

ISSOBELLA

Issobella watched the High Priestess walk back to the temple. She was a bit shocked that she had just let them go, she had thought that there would be a whole thing about training and responsibilities and duty and the dangers that existed beyond the boundaries of the temple protections, but maybe she understood the need to go after Jhaeros better than Issy thought. “Hey Issy, we need to go.” She shook her head to clear the fog, she raised her fist and Enya hopped down from her shoulder, Issy quickly raised her fist as Enya leapt into the sky.

Issy swung up on Raine, settling the new staff within easy reach. She gently tugged at the reins, turning to face Sy and Ascelyn. “I’m ready when you are”

Ascelyn looked slightly guilty “You sure, Issy, I don’t know what we’re gonna find out there, or when we will be back, if we’ll be back. Sure you don’t want to say goodbye or something.” He smirked at her “I know how sensitive and sentimental you are”

Issobella laughed at this, Ascelyn was always so concerned about changes. He tried to mask it, but he really hated them. When she had passed her first testing and was allowed to participate in devotionals, he had been thrilled for her and still sulked for a week after she had to limit how much time she could spend in the forest. “It may not work out Lyn, we might all die. But perhaps seeing how we survive will be the best adventure ever.” She spun Raine around and with a sharp “Hyah” clattered across the bridge and disappeared from view, leaving both Ascelyn and Syletra laughing behind her. “Keep up, slowpokes”

SYLETRA

Syletra shook her head as she giggled. “That girl, she sure loves the idea of adventure”

Ascelyn looked at her, somber and concerned, but a smile playing in his eyes. He was always such a happy and reckless man, but seemed a bit nervous and overly concerned. “You know, once we cross that bridge, we can’t go back, nothing is going to be the same ever again. You still good with that?”

Syletra nodded sharply. “You know I am.” She had to get out before someone changed their minds and tried to force her back into that whole ‘become the queen, go to war, do as you are told’ fiasco. She nudged Ayasha and took off across the bridge.

Ascelyn sighed and leaning over, patted his horse. “Alright Xanadu, let’s catch up to my ridiculous sisters before something tries to eat them.” He gave him a nudge and Xanadu broke into a fast lope clattering across the bridge and passing right by Sy and Issy, before slowing to a trot as the three of them went up the same path as Vanora ran down all those years before and entered the world two of them had only ever heard about in books and rumours.

#princess rising #original writings #hope you enjoy

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johannesviii · 4 years

Text

A Useless Post Rating the Preppers From Death Stranding

Because I can and I will. I got super attached to some of these bunches of pixels while playing, and I want to share my useless and extra subjective opinions

No plot-related spoilers. This is only listing the Preppers and not any Bridges employee from the various cities and facilities. No reasonable individuals to be found here, only strange people living in bunkers, baby

Let’s go

The Ludens Fan

Shelter placement: On a mountain, right between a Timefall zone and MULE territory, and not on any obvious delivery route. Not great. The view is super nice, though. 6/10

Prepper: A cinnamon roll who believes the world will be saved by fandoms and games. Always happy to see you. Gets super excited when you find old figurines for him. Sends lost stuff to people he doesn’t even know. Has toy dinosaurs.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Not really.

Opinion while playing: He is a Friend. 9/10

The Musician

Shelter placement: Hidden behind a little cliff, on a mountain, in a patch of nice fresh moss, next to a cool waterfall, overlooking the whole valley. Not on any delivery route whatsoever but come on. This guy is living the dream. 10/10

Prepper: Talks to you as if he’s known you since highschool. Has an emo haircut. Very passionate about rock albums from the “beginning of the 21st century” so I’m assuming he’s a fellow MCR fan. The walls of his shelter are covered in vinyls. Wants to create and share the music of the future for free. Streams his concerts on the chiral network.

Will I get something nice if I help them: A harmonica. You can play it. I’m in love

Opinion while playing: Hell yeah what a cool dude 10/10

The Engineer

Shelter placement: In plain view right next to a huge road and two MULE territories. Dude didn’t even try to hide and his packages are stolen all the time. At least the weather is nice? 3/10

Prepper: Has spent his entire life inside of this bunker since birth. Polite and a bit shy. Has a friendly smile. Judging by the amount of alcohol we deliver to him, feels lonely. Sometimes you’ll find gallons of lube with his name on it and he’ll refuse to give any kind of explanation and to be fair the guy probably uses it for all his mechanical inventions. But deep down, we know.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Upgrades for the Power Skeleton. You know you want them.

Opinion while playing: Another Friend. I will judge him silently every time I have to bring him his lost lube though. 9/10

The Craftsman

Shelter placement: Next to a huge road on a plain ravaged by Timefall, between two MULE territories and a voidout crater choke-full of BTs. Can potentially see the nightmarish ruins of a roadside factory and a traffic jam where everyone clearly got killed. I don’t know if I hate it or respect the shit out of it. 2/10

Prepper: Suspicious of us. Sends us on a suicide mission to fetch old equipment in a terrifying place. Hates Fragile, so we can’t be friends. Likes to fix broken watches, apparently. A lot of his lost packages seem to be special reinforced underwear. I’m curious but also I don’t want to pry.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Custom hematic grenades. Can’t live without them.

Opinion while playing: A suspicious little shit and I don’t trust him but he’s still a good ally. 5/10

The Elder

Shelter placement: On a majestic plateau in the middle of the region, overlooking everything. Not on any obvious route, which is a problem, but also away from danger, Timefall and MULEs. A green little patch of heaven. 9/10

Prepper: Old and kind but takes no shit from anybody. All of his emails are like “anyway, f█ck the government and f█ck this country” and I’m living for it. Will give away old photo albums, books and games predating the Death Stranding, in hope they can be shared with other people and their kids. Wholesome as hell.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Not really.

Opinion while playing: The most valid boomer you will ever see. My adoptive grandfather and I must protect him at all costs. 10/10

Peter Englert

Shelter placement: Not on any obvious delivery route but right next to Lake Knot City on a plain ravaged by Timefall. You can see Middle Knot City’s crater from there. Not a bad spot, but also no good vibes whatsoever. 6/10

Prepper: Never at home, has no hologram and keeps finding terrible excuses not to be there, which is rude. Possibly imaginary friends and relatives. Writes extremely long and well-spoken, obsequious, smarmy emails to you and you’ll receive them at the worst possible moments, like he just knows. Only interested in pizza, and you.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Hope you like high quality guns, and very disturbing journal entries.

Opinion while playing: Was literally calling him my nemesis even BEFORE learning anything about the guy. The best and the worst prepper at the same time. Go f█ck yourself, dude, I love you. Pizza/10

The Timefall Farmer and the Environmental Scientist

Shelter placement: Right next to a huge MULE territory. There’s the Tar Belt in the distance and no city, road or friends for miles. Very awkward. 4/10

Preppers: Planned to study the effects of Timefall on plants and became farmers instead. They are not enjoying it one bit and you’re under the impression they occasionally get on each other’s nerves even though they’ve been colleagues for years. The concept of their farm is a fantastic bit of worldbuilding, though, but they are a bit bland themselves.

Will I get something nice if I help them: A goose hologram. I need it

Opinion while playing: They’re super nice but their general weariness is too contagious for comfort. 4/10

The Film Director

Shelter placement: In the middle of jagged rocks, reasonably far away from local MULEs and Timefall, but also from any kind of road or decent delivery route. The ground is a poisonous reddish brown with occasional smoke. Ominous. 5/10

Prepper: Really worried about ancient media getting lost and forgotten, and will do anything to save old movies from oblivion. Trusts you instantly. Is always surprised you brought something for him, or just thought about him, and it’s heartwarming to see. Geeks about things he likes in your emails when he isn’t low-key flirting with you. Has the most epic beard you will ever see in your life.

Will I get something nice if I help them: A rock hologram. Uh?

Opinion while playing: Came for the geeking, stayed for the flirting 8/10

The Collector

Shelter placement: Inside a cavern two-thirds up a vertical rock face in a canyon slap bang in the middle of MULE territory. Invisible from ground level, and invisible from the bottom of the canyon. The MULEs live literally next door and don’t even know the guy is there. No chill whatsoever. Incredible. What a king. 10/10

Prepper: Shaped like a friend. Loves videogames and loves geeking about them. Fascinated by pre-Stranding press like “people were buying newspapers? On real paper?? :O”. Really wants you to read his emails because he’s got nobody to share his special interests with. Wants to write about your adventures to inspire other people. Occasionally you’ll find a lost package with a vintage playstation and you know it’s for him even without looking at the name on the tag.

Will I get something nice if I help them: A backpack cover to protect your stuff from Timefall?? holy shit?

Opinion while playing: We have no choice but to stan. 9/10

The Junk Dealer

Shelter placement: On a heavily polluted, rust-colored hill in the middle of a scrapyard full of broken down cars, overlooking both MULE and BT territory AND some f█cking terrifying ruins on all sides. It’s metal as shit, but also, the dude’s got a death wish. 3/10

Prepper: Tries to emotionally blackmail us with videos of his supposedly dead girlfriend. Very rude. Sends us on a suicide mission in BT territory to look for junk just for a laugh. Is such a piece of shit he got divorced by a woman who was willing to be carried under heavy Timefall through a horde of BTs to see him. Killed his girlfriend’s parents and didn’t tell her.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Upgrades for the Speed skeleton, and also chiral ladders, which are both life-saving, and I hate the fact that I need those so much.

Opinion while playing: A piece of shit and a terrible human being. Go sit on some rusty metal in BT territory, my dude. 1/10

The Chiral Artist and her Mother

Shelter placement: Overlooking a bottomless lake of tar and depressing ruins plagued by Timefall, far from civilisation but also far from trouble. Depressing, but safe. 6/10

Preppers: A little ray of sunshine. Capable of planning a journey on foot while avoiding Timefall and BTs after having done the trip exactly once (1) and on our back, which makes her one of the bravest Preppers we ever meet. Talented as hell with chiralium. Very awkward speech patterns and elocution which I always find relatable. Makes extremely bad choices regarding her love life. Will send you likes in a cringy but cute way. I don’t really trust her adoptive mother too much but she seems to be friends with the Cosplayer and any friend of the Cosplayer is my friend.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Chiral boots. Literally the most useful thing anyone anywhere gave me in this game. No matter how far I am from her and her mom I will backtrack to get some brand new chiral boots from her every time I need them. They are that good

Opinion while playing: I love her but she’s making extremely bad life choices and it’s giving me mild anxiety 8/10

The Cosplayer and the Wandering MC

Shelter placement: At the very bottom of a long, narrow canyon plagued by Timefall, inside a vertical hole in the ground. How they haven’t both drowned yet is beyond me. This is the worst idea ever. 1/10

Prepper: Both of them are always super excited to see you. Trade a ton of art and crafts supplies back and forth with everyone in the region. Organised a goddamn post-apo cosplay convention through the chiral network. She considers cosplay to be ‘the art of transformation’, and he’s a big fan of you, and also otters. Otter facts. Dad Jokes to the max. Legends only

Will I get something nice if I help them: Backpack custom options. And the otter hood. Come on. Who doesn’t want to look like an otter. According to the MC it was “threaded and triple stitched by [his] cosplay partner using silk”. I don’t deserve this gift

Opinion while playing: Just because it’s the apocalypse doesn’t mean you can’t look and feel your best 10/10

The Doctor and the Medical Device Engineer

Shelter placement: Overlooking a little river in the mountains, right before the snow starts. Extremely close to Mountain Knot City. Practical and beautiful. Lovely spot. 8/10

Preppers: She invented and crafted a medical terminal that allows doctors to examine patients remotely through the network, and distributed it for free. He’s sitting on years of medical knowledge and stockpiles of meds, and also sharing both with everyone. Got married because they admired each other so much and shared a common hatred of the lack of medical assistance post-Stranding. Two absolute angels. We don’t deserve them

Will I get something nice if I help them: Custom blood bags. A must during boss fights.

Opinion while playing: A bit too serious, but mad respect. 7/10

The Photographer

Shelter placement: In the mountains, in the middle of nowhere, overlooking the valley, but away from everything and everyone, next to BT territory and daaaangerously close to the biggest Demens camp in the entire country. Who told you this was a good idea. 4/10

Prepper: The walls of her shelter are decorated with photos of beautiful landscapes. Friendly but takes no shit. Constantly trying to go out to take pictures of cool places and weird paleoart and stuff even though there’s a whole gang of terrorists outside firing live ammo at anyone on sight. Her cameras get stolen all the time, and yet she keeps doing it again and again. Judging by one delivery she sent to Mountain Knot City, she even has footage of Edge Knot City. You know. The unreachable nightmarish place beyond the f█cking Tar Belt. HOW

Will I get something nice if I help them: Guns because she clearly has no chill

Opinion while playing: This woman has more nerves in her left pinky than I have in my entire f█cking body. We stan a queen 9/10

The Novelist’s Son

Shelter placement: In a vast, beautiful green plain full of rivers and lakes, kind of in the middle of nowhere but also at a safe distance of the Demens territory. It’s painted the same green as the rest of the plain, which is a stroke of genius. 8/10

Prepper: Considering his title and the fact that the walls of his shelter are full of bookshelves, I expected a pretentious writer of sorts. But no. He doesn’t write. He’s just a soft boy who wants to save the world with plants. Will make sure you read his emails because he’s very passionate about gardening, gourds and mythology, and wants to talk about it with everyone. Too good for this world, too pure.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Special cryptobiotes! Pretty cool. I want to save some for Fragile

Opinion while playing: I love him I love thinking about him 10/10

The Roboticist

Shelter placement: High in the mountains, but in some sort of hollow, surrounded by snow and rocks on all sides. There’s also a nice hot spring nearby. Feels strangely safe and pleasant for such an isolated spot. 7/10

Prepper: Super approachable and quite friendly. Clearly a genius considering how good the all-terrain skeleton is. The stuff she’s looking for goes from stuff for her projects to a plush for her kid or a vintage coffee machine. Her emails, meanwhile, are shit-your-pants terrifying, like her wondering if machines should replace humans, or pranking you by pretending she was dead the whole time and her hologram is an IA. Thank you for the heart attack.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Upgrades for the all-terrain skeleton, hell yeah baby

Opinion while playing: I’m very conflicted because her emails are scary as shit but if she stepped on my face I’d say “thank you” 8/10

The Mountaineer and the Mountain Guide

Shelter placement: On top of a mountain but in a relatively flat and safe area, very isolated but also far from Beached Things, with good visibility. There’s logic to the madness. 6/10

Preppers: Initially in panic mode due to a medical emergency. Tough outside, but soft inside. He gives you precious advice about whiteouts and how to deal with them and stay alive in the mountains. We don’t know much about her, except she used to explore the mountains using chiral climbing anchors. Just speculation but I’m under the impression they met one day on a super dangerous expedition and ended together because they were both tough as nails, or maybe because they saved each other. Their kid is going to be unstoppable.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Chiral climbing anchors.

Opinion while playing: Wholesome couple of adventurers. A bit bland, but in a good way 7/10

The Spiritualist

Shelter placement: On a mountain peak in the middle of a whiteout area, but sometimes the weather can be decent and the view pretty nice, if you squint. Getting there feels like a test to join a secret cult and I don’t like that one bit. 3/10

Prepper: Twin sister of the Cosplayer, but gives off a very different vibe, like some sort of white suburban mom who’s discovering new age stuff. Has a very mystical approach to this whole apocalypse thing but seems to be wayyy too much into it for comfort. Really wants to see the Beach and tries to do so through meditation. We can receive chemicals from her. I do NOT want to know what’s in there.

Will I get something nice if I help them: A RACCOON HOLOGRAM?? I LOVE IT

Opinion while playing: Harmless but she scares me. 3/10

The First Prepper

Shelter placement: On a nearly inaccessible mountain peak battered by snow storms. The slope is so dangerous I straight up died once while walking on it. Absolutely nothing for miles and no visibility. That’s not a shelter, that’s a coffin. 1/10

Prepper: Apparently his family has lived in shelters ever since the beginning of the Cold War, then decided to stay there in case the world would end in the year 2000, then because of the Bush era, and long story short the guy is like “I did it before it was cool” and he’s literally gatekeeping other Preppers and calling them amateurs. Tries really hard to convince us to stop helping people and get our own shelter. At least he admits self-sufficiency is a mirage in the end, which is more than I expected from this clown.

Will I get something nice if I help them: A hat, and a wolf hologram

Opinion while playing: When the nicest thing I have to say about a Prepper is “well they’re not hurting anybody”, you know it’s bad. What a jerk 2/10

The Evo-Devo Biologist

Shelter placement: On an isolated snow slope away from civilisation, overlooking ruins and geysers in the distance. Not far from BT territory and terrorists, but still at a reasonable distance. Next to a hot spring. The view is majestic as f█ck. 9/10

Prepper: Looks strict and gives off severe teacher vibes, but you’re under the impression that’s purely because she hasn’t seen or talked to another human being in years. Polite but distant. Thinks the sixth mass extinction is a golden opportunity for science, and inevitable, and that we should study the shit out of it even if we end up dying. She’s not wrong exactly but also, yikes

Will I get something nice if I help them: Not really.

Opinion while playing: I genuinely have no idea. An enigma. 5/10

The Geologist

Shelter placement: High in the mountains on a desolate snowy slope, completely isolated from everything. I think I’ve seen a movie about that kind of place once, except it was a hotel. 2/10

Prepper: The first package we bring to him is a shipment of meds to fight chiral contamination. No more nightmares or suicidal thoughts after that, so he’s ok. Also he’s obsessed with Heartman to the point you wonder if he’s got a crush on him, belittles himself and his work constantly, and also thinks saving the world is a waste of time and effort. No no he’s still ok, he swears. But yeah uh. Dude is clearly one small step away from blowing a fuse and going full Demens, we need to sit down and talk about your problems my friend

Will I get something nice if I help them: Not really.

Opinion while playing: I like him but he worries me a lot and I’m a bit scared for him 7/10

The Paleontologist

Shelter placement: In a little valley in the mountains, where grass and snow meet, miles away from civilisation and roads, but also miles away from problems. If there wasn’t this pit full of toxic gas literally next door, this would be perfect. 8/10

Prepper: Likes to complain about everything and everyone. A bit rude but more in a familiar way than an unpleasant way. Extremely passionate about fossils and prehistoric stuff and gets super excited about ammonites in particular. Mentions exploring a place full of toxic gas without any kind of protection just to fetch some neat rocks once, so we both clearly have the same level of survival instincts when our special interests are involved.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Not really, unless you count level 2 Hematic Grenades

Opinion while playing: Relatable as shit. I feel like I’d be this guy if I existed in this game’s world. 9/10

The Veteran Porter

Shelter placement: Nowhere Man lives on a very abrupt slope full of rocks in the middle of Nowhereburg, Nowhere State, Nowherica. You get the feeling he knows the region like the back of his hand and picked that spot exactly for that reason and frankly, I have to respect that. 7/10

Prepper: Ex-Porter with a damaged spine. A retired adventurer, exhausted after carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Higgs used to be his boss back when he was still working at Fragile Express so the dude has massive trust issues now and I won’t argue with that. Initially suspicious of us and Bridges, for good reasons. Every time I found a super isolated bunker signed under Fragile Express I was like “woah their employees were hardcore to find all these places that Bridges couldn’t find”, and he’s one of these guys, and I get it now. And he’s tired. So tired. A whole mood.

Will I get something nice if I help them: Not really.

Opinion while playing: Unlike the First Prepper I respect the shit out of him and I want him to enjoy his well-earned retirement 8/10

#death stranding #long post #eye contact tw

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ahatintimestorybook · 4 years

Text

AHIT Twin AU-Accident

More Angst again!!! Well there’s going to be a ton of angst chapters. Might have to hold off on some wholesome fluff for a while, or I might add one or maybe two in between so I don’t overfill any cups of tears.

To get the feel for this I had to listen too “Its Quiet Uptown” in repeat!!! So I’m still in tears now. Your welcome!!!

@winterpower98

It was a calm and relaxing Saturday evening, MJ was watching some TV while his family were getting ready for their night out. MJ and Luka’s parents were headed out to dinner with Angela’s, their mom’s co workers, while Luka was invited to dinner by his finance Vanessa. As much as MJ wanted to head out as well, he just got home from work, and there was no way he was going out with Luka and Vanessa.

“Well I’m heading off!” Luka announced as he put on a purple tux.

Before he could leave, Angela stopped him, “not so fast, Luka.” She said. Angela walked towards her son and got a good look at him. Angela looked at her youngest son from top to bottom, before she went and fixed his hair to make sure it looks good for Vanessa. “There now your perfect.”

Luka gave his mother a smile before giving her a hug. “Thanks mom.”

Angela smiles and hugs her son back. “Be safe, Lulu.” She whispered.

“Mom, I promise. Van and I are just going out for some ice cream that’s not too far from here.” Luka explained.

Angela gave a smile and looked at her son. “I know. I just…” she paused giving a small frown. As much she wanted to admit it, she didn’t trust Vanessa all that much. She didn’t want to say it as her son MJ seemed to be on the same page, and it would feel like she’s repeating everything MJ has told Luka about. She didn’t want to feel like an overprotective parent anymore as her son’s were no longer kids and were men in their 20’s. “I just want my baby to be safe.” She lied ruffling his hair.

Luka chuckled. “Mom, I’m not a baby.” He replied.

“Well you two going to be my babies no matter how old you’ll get.” Luka giggled and gave his mom one final hug before running off.

“Gotta go mom! See you later!” Luka shouted. Angela smiled and waved to her baby boy. Angela sighed and frowned hoping Luka will be okay. MJ walked over to his mom and put his hands on her shoulder giving her a comforting smile.

“I know how you feel. I get worried too.” MJ said. Angela looked up at her son and ruffled his hair a little. MJ chuckled and hugged his mom.

“Alright Angela, ready to go?” The twins father, Richard asked.

Angela nodded. “I’m ready.” She took her husband’s hand and gave him a smile.

Richard turned to MJ, “call if anything Michael.” He reminded.

“I will!” MJ replied.

“We love you MJ.” Angela said.

“I love you two too.” MJ replied hugging both his parents. Angela and Richard held hands and left to enjoy their night out. MJ smiled and closed the door and continued watching whatever was on TV.

What MJ didn’t know...this was the last night he’ll be seeing one of them...alive.

MJ fell asleep on the couch till he woke up hearing a knock on the door. MJ stretched and got up walking to the door. Probably Luka came home from his date or his parents are home. Once he opened the door he was surprised to see two officers. “C-can I help you officers?” MJ asked.

“Hi, are you Michael Prince Jr?” One off the officers asked.

“Y-yes? Did something happen?” MJ asked.

The two officers looked at each other and turned too MJ. “May we come in?” The second officer asked. MJ nodded and let the officers in.

Anxiety rushed through MJ wondering what had happened. Did something happen to their parents? Did Luka’s powers go off and he got in trouble? He hoped not. Did Vanessa do something to Luka? He definitely didn’t want to think about it.

MJ sat down on the couch and looked at the officers. “What happened officers?” He asked.

The first officer sighed and shook his head. “Its about your parents.” He revealed. MJ’s heart sank.

After their date, Luka and Vanessa were back at Vanessa’s manor dancing to music. Vanessa giggled as Luka spin her around before dipping her. “I didn’t know my future husband was a dancer?” She commented.

“Well I learned from my mom.” Luka replied. He picked her back up and stared into her shining ruby eyes. The two leaned in for a slow kiss, till Luka’s phone rang. He looked at it before giving Vanessa a quick kiss before answering the phone. “MJ, what’s up?” He asked. Luka’s face dropped when heard MJ cry on the other side of the phone. “M-MJ! Mikey! Calm down! What’s wrong?” He asked. Luka just heard MJ cry more before he hung up the phone.

Vanessa walked up to Luka and put a hand on his shoulder. “I-Is everything okay, Lulu?” Vanessa asked.

Luka sighed. “Vanessa, I need to head home something happened. S-sorry I had to cut our date short.” Luka gave his finance a kiss on the cheek before running off.

Once Luka made it back home he quickly came in only for MJ to hug his little brother. Luka blinked in surprise and hugged MJ back. He’d never seen MJ this emotional since middle school when a group of kids picked on MJ, badly.

“MJ what happened?” Luka asked.

“Are you Luka Prince?” The 2nd office asked.

Luka nodded and kept hold of his older twin brother. “What’s wrong officer?” He asked.

The officer sighed. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your parents, Angela and Richard died in a car accident.” He revealed.

Now it was Luka’s turn for his heart to sink. “N-no.” He stuttered. He was ready to cry too only to hold MJ tighter. “W-we just saw them leave an hour and a half ago. T-they can’t be dead.” Luka teared up.

The officer went over to the brothers and put a hand on MJ. “I know its hard for you two. I’m sorry this had to happen.” He said. Luka sniffled and started to cry. The officers sighed and decided to leave for the night.

“W-wait!” MJ called out stopping the officers. “H-how did the accident happen?” He asked.

The first officer sighed. “Your parent’s car’s breaks didn’t work. They were driving and there was some black ice on the road, they lost control and slammed into an on-coming truck.” He explained.

MJ tried to wrap it around his head, how was there ice on the road. The snowstorm wasn’t that bad and plus it happened two days ago the ice and snow should of melted. Unless…

“Were still investigating it. W-well give you guys an update when we find something.” The 2nd officer explained.

“A-alright.” MJ sobbed. “T-thank you.” The officers nodded and left the twins to grieve. Once they were gone the brothers turned to each other and hugged each other sobbing. Their parents were gone!

Luka sobbed loudly hugging MJ tight as he can, so he wouldn’t leave too. MJ did the same, he wanted to use his string powers to wrap the two together for the entire night, but he couldn’t. He was emotionally drained.

As the officers were leaving, there was a mysterious figure hidden behind some trees who gave a sinister smile before walking off.

#ahit au #ahit twin au #twin #Moonjumper #MJ Prince #Snatcher #ahit the prince #Luka Prince #Queen Vanessa #angst

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junejalow · 3 years

Text

“You have a daughter!?” Kali/Smoke

Bringing this over from my Archiveofourown prompt requests! Hope you enjoy! This prompt/dabble is for thelordchanka with the prompt "You have a daughter?"

The base was buzzing with work, recruit's heading out for last minute flights since they weren't needed for the upcoming cross training session and missions Harry had lined up. Most of them would require select operators, one's who wouldn't be able to leave for the holidays. Upon a collective request among the select few, three hours of negotiating (mainly whining and complaining) Harry finally relented on his restriction of having civilians on base. Although he was still reluctant about the entire choice all together, he had very strict rules. 1) No pranks. 2) Armory stays locked. 3) Kids/teenagers must stay with parent(s) at all time. 4) Common room and training/simulation room may be used as forms of entertainment. The last rule strictly applied as long as the kids remember that everything they see must stay a secret, he could trust the operators to reinforce this. After all, Rainbow didn't technically exist. A ghost in the shadow of every military unit on earth. They handled situations and missions no one will ever know about and the few that were public? Covered as special ops or joint missions. Everyone in Rainbow were all highly trained soldiers hand picked from even the best operators. They never disappointed Harry while on the job, but more humane moments like now? Well, it was just a simple reminder that they were still human behind their harden military mind sets.

Kali was still trying to process the information she just heard from the table behind her, Smoke had a daughter? The crazed chemist actually had family, much less a child. How in the world did someone like him maintain a lasting relationship enough to reproduce. Ignoring Ace's conversation with Wamai, she focused back on the SAS group behind them.

"She didn't like the idea of taking Christmas break but I'm pretty sur she'll love being here, I'm always telling her about everyone here. Despite her studies, Charlie does love hearing them. Surprise right?" Smoke mused as he fiddled with a picture he kept in his wallet, staring at it fondly. He had rarely spoke to anyone outside the SAS about his adoptive daughter, she was in her last year of high school and scoring straight A's and would graduate with honors. Charlie was the embodiment of everything Smoke couldn't be when he was growing up and so much more. He loved seeing her view of the world and everything she was learning, she had taught him a lot about life that he would never have thought of looking at in a thousand years. She was his connection to being human, a safe haven away from his crazy job.

"You're acting like we haven't mess the lass before." Sledge replied after swallowing a spoon full of mash potato's. They had met her once before when Smoke had to go check on his apartment a few miles away following a series of break in's. She acted nothing like the chemist aside from sharing his twisted sense of humor. Charlie basically kept him out of trouble when he had leave time from work.

"Yeah but she hasn't met the rest of this lot, wonder what she'll think."

"You worry too much." Mute mumbled beside him, a neutral frown on his face over the fact that Thatcher had taken his phone minutes earlier so the young operator would eat instead of burying his face in the device. More than once he had complained later in the day of being hungry because he missed dinner or breakfast for that same reason. Thatcher of course scolded him every time but taking his phone was a last ditch effort to get the man to eat properly. He didn't need the defender light headed during training from lack of food.

"I'm not worrying too much! I just don't trust most of these barmy bastards not to try something stupid when everyone shows up. Bandit hundred percent I don't trust, he'll twist her beautiful little mind into something terrible."

"Yet you're just as bad, ever think about that or has Doc's scolding taught you nothing?" Thatcher piped in from his spot across the table.

"All he's bloody taught me is how much I can get away with before I have to hide." Smoke chuckled, putting the picture of his daughter back in his wallet.

Kali made a mental note to ask him later about the entire conversation, she was on good enough grounds with the defender that they could have a decent and friendly conversation when they crossed paths. Soon enough the cafeteria slowly became devoid of noise. Most of the operator's were calling home to invite whoever could make it or simply wishing their family and friends happy holidays. Kali on the other hand decided to hit the training room for awhile, not surprised to see a few operators spread out doing their own training. She listened in on different conversations as she bedded down to work on her sniper aim. Nothing caught her interest though, most of the banter was work related or Christmas gift ideas. She had learned from Mira that most of the operators exchanged gifts as a way of team building, an idea Harry had implemented soon after his employment as the new director.

She had to give the man some credit, he surely knew how to bring a team together. Most of his tactic's were questionable at best but even she could the good intent behind each choice, he was even able to pull Doc and Lion to even ground and now the two seemed like friends all over again despite the random bickering they still did with Montague or Castle playing peace keeper as usual. Some small part of her felt bad for them, they were all adults but some parts of them still shined like children fighting over a toy. It was a vast difference from the attention to detail they all showed in the field though, she had heard Jackal mention it was like flipping switches off and on in their minds. Essentially they were all two sides of the same coin, one side a passive civilian living day to day while the other side was a ruthless soldier who wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger on someone wishing to cause harm.

Personally she never really understood where she placed in that category but as long as the job was done who cared? She has taken out countless dangerious men and women alike. She seriously wouldn't have her life any other way. She sighed after spending the rubber bullets she acquired from the training gun rack and headed back to the main building, she noticed Smoke hanging around the common room and remembered the conversations from earlier, deciding now was a good time as any.

"Porter, mind a chat?" She asked as she approached the man relaxing against the bar across, tending to a half drank beer, the room from the tv that was currently playing some nature documentary. Dark chocolate brown eyes met her hazel eyes, a question playing across them before he motioned to the seat next to him.

"I can fancy a talk, what's on your mind Kali?"

"You have a daughter?"

Smoke nearly choked on his beer at the straight forward question, he shouldn't expect less from her but at the same time he didn't think anyone had been listening in. Each table/group always stuck to their own conversations and rarely asked or interrupted anyone on theirs.

"I didn't think you were bloody listening in! I could barely hear my own thoughts over Ace's loud mouth." A small smile tugged at her lips, Ace could very well be loud and self centered at times but he was a man that truly cared about other's safety above his own, rushing headlong into the worst of a situation just to make sure no one needed having. A natural thrill and need to protect and serve.

She still owed him greatly for saving her that one time. "I happened to catch a small snippet. So I grew carious. Never heard you talk so fondly over something other than those canisters of yours."

Smoke rubbed at the scar at the base of his hair line, no one at base had ever dared to ask him about it. Hell they all had their fair share of scar's, physically, mentally and emotionally. He simply waved the question off all the time and gave the same short handed reply. It was work related. Of course a lot of the operators around base never bought into it but out of respect for privacy no one ever pushed the subject.

"She's not... blood. I adopted her years ago before I got invited to Rainbow. Never saw myself being with anyone but I've always wanted a kid, someone that could show me the world in a different view right? Charlie's done just that. She's excelling in school, straight A's and honor's. Nothing like her old man." He chuckled softly before taking a swing of his beer, pausing for a moment before continuing. "Charlie she... see's everything so bloody different than I do. I've forgotten what a civilian's view on life is, I don't see everything the same as when I was a kid. I was too busy exploring, a free spirit I was. That kid on the other hand, smart head on her shoulders. Been teaching me a lot over the last few years I didn't even know were things. Like all these new math and science categories she's studying, blew my mind at first. Seems like they expect them to know college level stuff before they even graduate. But what about you Kali? Got any family? Husband? Wife? Siblings? Kids?"

Kali slowly took in every ounce of information the man offered, she never really considered Smoke an open guy but at the same time there were rare moments each person just needed an outlet. She figured this was one of those moments. He was going to expose someone he held close to his dangerious line of work, granted she wasn't going to be in harms way by any means and neither would the other kids. A bigger smile graced her features, her hazel eyes settling on the tv across the room.

"No, nothing of the sort. I'm married to my work as most people say. I don't have time for any relationships, to me it's a burden I don't need."

Smoke scoffed and sat up a bit straighter in his seat, "You're missing out then Shah, Charlie's the best thing that ever happened to me." He told her with a warm grin, "Give it some thought, might change your mind after you meet her."

The next few days flowed by quick, families arriving as they could. Most of them were settled in spare rooms while most operators didn't mind sharing dorms with their families. Currently the cafeteria was buzzing with chatter and stories being tossed around while a few decorated the base for Christmas, of course the chaos worsened over a snide comment Bandit made to Smoke. Before the man could retort it, Charlie already had him by the ear and was basically dragging the full grown man away from the fight all the while scolding him.

"You promised me you wouldn't fight with uncle Dom while I was here and you almost did it anyway! I seriously can't leave you alone for one second!" Charlie argued.

"I'm sorry! I promise for real this time! I won't bloody do it again I swear!" Porter tried to protest.

"Fat chance dad!"

Kali chuckled quietly to herself because Wamai who had his hands clasped behind his back, "Rethinking what Porter said about family?"

"As far as I'm concerned Wamai? this is my family."

#rainbow six siege #fanficion #Smoke #Kali #Wamai #Mute #Thatcher #Sledge #Ace #Request

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howtodrawyourdragon · 4 years

Text

Uneasy Are The (Woman's) Shoulders That Wear The Chief's Cloak

Summary: Lesbean Hiccstrid. The line of Chieftains on Berk has always been predominantly male. Either the chiefdom was passed from father to son or the usurper at the time happened to be a man as well. That changes when Stoick names his only born child, a daughter, his heir. After his passing, Hiccup struggles with feelings of anxiety and Astrid is there to whisk them away.

Rating: General

Characters: Hiccup, Astrid

Pairing: Hiccstrid

Words: 2 113

Author’s Notes: At first this was going to be called "In A Man's World", but then I thought of this title last minute and I liked it better. Even if it's a mouthful.

Inspired by a friend.

Constructive criticism is appreciated!

Enjoy!

Ao3

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Her hands are usually so steady. When mapping their known world, they do not tremble as she places every careful detail. In the forge, as every beat of the hammer meets hot metal, the force does not make their grip falter. Even high in the sky, when she and Toothless are one with the clouds, they are firmly rooted on the saddle. They do not give in no matter how wild their tricks and rolls may get.

But now, her hands tremble.

Just weeks ago, in the aftermath of Stoick's passing, his daughter and only child has succeeded him. It is exactly as he wished would happen when he named her his heir shortly after her birth.

It means Hiccup bears a big responsibility from now on. One she'd always hoped she would never need to call hers. She'd pushed the mere notion of her as her father's successor so far away that she'd fled in a panic the morning Stoick the Vast decided that his daughter was ready.

But her fears have come true and she has become Berk's most recent Chief. Having actually arrived at this, to her unexpected, chapter in her life, she would've preferred to have had her father here to guide her. She is completely unprepared. Neither mentally, nor emotionally.

If she knew fleeing from Berk that morning would've lead to this outcome, she might have chosen a different path. Not that she regrets having Eret, Son of Eret, or Valka in her life now. Or the entire pack from the Sanctuary.

In her eyes, she isn't her father and she can never live up to him. How can you become someone that great when you're not? The people of the Hooligan tribe loved him and, up until five whole years ago, they despised her. How can she lead a people she isn't sure will even follow her?

And then there is also the matter of having an heir.

She has always envisioned having a child someday in the future. Her, Astrid, and whoever the Gods decided to gift them. Not that she is the religious type. But it has become an obligation instead of a dream she wishes to have come true.

So much in her life has changed, is changing, or will change in the future and it's terrifying. This isn't something she can simply turn away from when it gets hard and it's bound to get hard.

But then there is another thing

There have been other Viking chieftesses in the Barbaric Archipelago before, the Berserkers have Heather after Dagur stepped down to be with Mala. But it is a bit of a new change on Berk and that is what makes her so nervous, too, what makes her shake.

This is because their chiefdom has always been passed from father to son. Man to man. Even on those occasions that someone simply took the position by force, it was a man that took it. Just like with Hamish the Second, who had his position stolen from his family by her own grandfather.

Just thinking about it makes her feel a little bit ill. Not just because she doesn't approve of that sort of violence, but also because Hamish was a runt. Just like her.

Another insult to injury is that she isn't a man either. She's a woman. Usually unbothered by her gender, except on a few occasions, as Astrid always imbued her with pride and confidence to the best of her ability. She knows of how insecure her betrothed is. Ruffnut, too, has always been so adamant in being prideful of her womanhood.

And speaking of which, Hiccup isn't alone.

"You are trembling like leaf." Astrid is here in her home with her. She speaks up to break the silence that's been plaguing this household for the better part of an hour already. She gets up after having watched the other get ready for tonight's event in an agonizingly slow pace full of obvious second guessings.

Astrid grasps her shaking hands to still them at last.

"I-I was trying to... The cloak." Hiccup attempts to explain that she was attempting to pull on the cloak the seamstress had made just for their Chieftess to wear for today, but she finds it difficult to do so.

There is to be a celebration tonight and her cloak is made to resemble her late father's. It is so that he may be with her as she cares for the village he left her, but it is a surprisingly heavy thing to wear.

This cloak, it is a symbol of her father and her new duty. And having this responsibility thrust upon her before her time makes it hard for her to simply put it on.

For many long minutes, Hiccup's been standing at the large chair on which it hangs, the furniture that is also so connected to Stoick. He used to sit in it almost every evening with a mug of ale in one hand, Gobber sitting on another stool with his own mug. The air in the room would be jolly and both her dad and her mentor blacksmithing would share stories and victories past with her and Toothless. Sometimes the other Riders would be there as well.

Letting go of her, Astrid faces the chair and takes the cloak from the back of it. She holds it out in front of her as if to inspect it. A bit big for her, but then, Hiccup is tall. Still, she finds herself wondering if it won't drag on the ground for her, too.

"I get it." She then claims with a shrug of her shoulders, her thumbs running through the fur.

"You do?"

"Becoming Chief is such a big responsibility, Hiccup. And scary, too. And the way it happened... I know your dad had envisioned it a little differently." She says as she turns back around and Hiccup sighs.

Bundling up the thick fur in both of her arms, Astrid walks behind her to help her pull it on. Two metal claps are there to attach to her ceremonial chest piece, each with Toothless' likeness made into them.

"And I know that the how you got your new role and the meaning of it aren't all that weighs on you." She hesitantly continues. She's been wanting to bring this up, having watched Hiccup struggle with this matter for much longer than just these past few weeks.

"Oh?" Hiccup isn't much for conversation at the moment, so nervous that her words are failing her. A feat considering how talkative she usually is. Her everything is quite muted as Astrid throws both clasps over her shoulders.

"I'm not going to lie," Astrid smooths the fur on Hiccup's person.

"Most of Berk will accept you and some will give you trouble. Some of our allies will accept you and then others, both ally and hostile, will not. Just because you're you." She moves to her front again to put one clasp in place. She glances at Hiccup's troubled face before she turns her attention to the second one. Hiccup attentively watches her hands.

"It's going to be hard. Even if you were a man, this would be hard. But a woman... And after three-hundred and more years of fathers giving their seats to their sons..." She clasps the other, pulling just to make sure it's sturdy, and gazes back up at Hiccup.

Astrid knows that she believes chiefing is not for her. For years she'd tried to tell her father this, but if there wasn't something he still didn't want to hear even after their relationship had been mended, it was certainly this.

She didn't know if being Chief was right for her. She didn't know if it was right for Berk, having grown up with the seemingly unachievable standards Stoick has set before her.

Because she is a runt, because she is still so out of place even after having found her calling with dragons, because she didn't know if she could make it with the body and sex the Gods had decided to give her on the day of her birth.

In any other unknown that she has jumped into so far, there were at least some securities she could latch onto. When she decided to confront her entire village for Toothless, she could rest easy knowing that Astrid would do her best to keep him safe. When she faced the Red Death, she knew she would be saving at least her father and her village. When she trained the dragons, it was with Toothless and her friends by her side and with her father's approval. Even when diving into the Great Beyond, it was with the hope that adventure and new dragons awaited her on the other side of the fog bank that isolates them so.

But now...? What can she hold onto now?

The knowledge of Berk's long line of chieftains who were all men? The fact that she's been challenged and underestimated just for being a runt alone? Let alone for being a woman? That she might need to live up to expectations so unreasonably high that it might be easier to just give up?

Astrid watches her silently for a moment. Hiccup is an open book to her and she can see the growing despair.

"You won't be alone. You know that, right?" She asks her girlfriend, who looks back at her with an uncertain look.

"You know Toothless will stand by your side no matter what. And no way the Dragon Riders are going to let you go through this on your own. Gobber will conk anyone who dares challenge you over the head. Valka is here now. And... you have me." After attaching the cloak to her chest piece, Astrid grabs Hiccup's hands again as she finishes. The former's calloused by years of training in combat, the latter by years of blacksmithing.

A small smile appears on Hiccup's face as she finds her to be telling the truth. There are plenty of people who will support her no matter what.

"Snotlout would hit someone if they give me trouble." She says with a sure nod.

"Snotlout? Fishlegs would hit someone!" Astrid responds and Hiccup chuckles breathily.

Astrid smiles, too, and cups her cheeks.

"You are going to do amazing things, Hiccup! You've been doing amazing things for the past five years. Berk is better because of you and we'll be doing even better with you as Chief." She states with such conviction and maybe Hiccup doesn't quite see it the same way, but she appreciates her words.

"You really think so?" She asks, the hint of a more positive outlook in her tone.

"Yes, I do. You have changed so much. The reason we're here today is because of you. We went through some bad times, but we also went through a lot of good as well. And I need you to know that, no matter what comes, you'll make it as Chief." Astrid tells her, hoping Hiccup will see what she is telling him.

Hiccup takes her hands and removes them from her face to hold them in her own.

"Thank you, Astrid." Maybe she doesn't quite believe Astrid yet, but Astrid believes in her, that is all she needs right now.

"We should get going. Your people might be wondering what's taking you so long and you know how we, Hooligans, are. We can't wait to party." Astrid jokes and Hiccup lets out another laugh.

"I think Toothless is waiting outside for me, too." She says and Astrid briefly stands on her toes to press a brief peck against her forehead. Still holding one of her hands, she then pulls her towards the front door, one metal prosthetic foot thudding somewhat loudly against the wooden floor.

Hiccup's smile is more genuine as she follows her soon-to-be-wife outside. The second they leave the house, Toothless is there to greet them, purring as he sees his Rider and stands up from where he was lying.

"Hey Bud," Hiccup strokes the top of his head, a touch the dragon leans into. Astrid, meanwhile, deftly scratches him behind an ear.

He's been waiting for her to get ready for Berk to finally celebrate their new, and first, Chieftess. It took some waiting for the ice to have methodically been cleared from the village, but the day has come and Hiccup feels at least a little bit more prepared now.

The cloak tugging on her shoulders still feels heavy with burden, but with Astrid by her side, Hiccup believes she may be able to take whatever the future might throw at them.

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sakura-blossom28 · 4 years

Text

Modern Day Romance

Chapter 6

Thank you to everyone who has read my story so far and left kind and encouraging words!! I have a feeling Gaara is a bit OOC in this chapter but I totally believe that in the moment of things he can be the perfect guy lol (probably because I think he’d be the best boyfriend out of all the Naruto guys) next chapter I plan to tell it from Sakura’s side to explain what she’s thinking to flesh her character out a bit! Please let me know what you think! Don’t own Naruto

Ch 1 / Ch 2 / Ch 3 / Ch 4 / Ch 5

The rest of the date went better than Gaara could have imagined. Sakura was so absorbed in the clothes and models walking in front of them. Not only did she ask questions about his sister’s designs, but she seemed interested in his family. As the night went on Gaara found himself smiling, telling Sakura different stories about his siblings and the ridiculous things they got themselves into. It made him happy to know that she wanted to know more about his family. Sakura didn’t focus on the fact that Temari was a well to do designer and was more curious about what she was like as a sister.

Towards the end of the show, Gaara spotted Temari peeking out from behind the curtains and they made eye contact. Gaara still had his arm around Sakura, but he made no more to remove it when he saw Temari smirking at him. He would get an earful later, but the way having his arm around Sakura was worth it. When the show ended they quietly made their escape before the crowd made their way to the exit.

Gaara felt like he was buzzing in his seat the whole drive back to Sakura’s apartment. When was the last time he felt this good being around someone else? They chatted quietly as they made their way to her door. He insisted he would walk her in since it was getting late. The day had been perfect for Gaara, it almost seemed to be good to be true. As they got to her door they stopped to look at each other. Both had a slight blush on their cheeks.

“I really had a great time with you today Sakura. I would like to see you again,” Gaara said trying to keep it together.

“I would like that too. Thank you for walking me in,” Sakura said with a shy smile on her lips. They stood awkwardly, both blushes growing.

“Well, I’ll let you go then. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” Gaara said as he made a step to walk away, but Sakura gently touched his arm. The blush on her face was extremely noticeable, but Gaara was drawn to it.

“W-would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?” she asked while still holding onto him.

This was all new to Gaara. Someone had never asked permission before, and he had never done that either. All his past “relationships” were never focused on emotions, mostly just the primal desire to feel another person, but those urges always faded away after a few days. Sakura seemed so soft to him at this moment, a foreign concept to Gaara. With his past, nothing was ever soft and gentle, but Sakura was. All these feelings were so new to Gaara he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act, but he knew he wanted more.

“Yes you can,” he said with the color growing on his face. He slowly bent down a bit so that he could reach Sakura’s lips. Gaara was careful not to make any sudden movements and let Sakura lead. The kiss was soft and warm. He wanted to deepen the kiss but didn’t want to rush things between them. When they broke apart they still kept their faces close to each other. Sakura’s eyes were fluttering open as they came back to reality. She looked very cute like that to Gaara. He quickly gave her one last small kiss and backed away from her.

“I’m gonna get going. Goodnight,” he said while rubbing the back of his head looking anywhere but at her. He could hear her give a small laugh and whispered goodnight as she closed the door.

Gaara felt like he was floating. The kiss felt like it lasted forever but ended too soon. His heart was in his throat the whole time and still pounded now. These feels were new and exciting. His mind was replaying the whole night over and over when his phone buzzed as he sat in his car.

Sakura: Let me know when you get home safe <3

Things were definitely looking up for Gaara.

The following dates were more than Gaara could hope for. Walks in the park, movie dates, even mini-golfing. With both of them working during the week they found time to see each other. Already they had been seeing each other for about a month. Gaara was ready to make things official, but he just didn’t know how to go about it. His siblings’ advice, as usual, was bold and a bit forceful. Gaara knew he could just tell Sakura how he felt, but he was still hesitant to do so.

Opening up to Sakura had been easy. She was always willing to listen and he always knew how she felt by her reactions. She could tell him exactly how she felt at any point in time and having her be so open helped him be that way too. He told her more about his past and she looked so sad as he told her about what he went through. Never was the look in her eyes harsh or judgmental, she truly felt for him.

Today’s date was the next step for them. Gaara had invited Sakura over to his apartment that he shared with Kankuro. His brother was away on work so they had the place to themselves. Being alone with Sakura in public had been no issue with Gaara, but every time he thought about the fact that they would be completely alone, his heart started to race.

He wanted to ask Sakura to be his girlfriend and knew he had real feelings for her, but he was worried the night would turn out like how all his past flings did. He didn’t want Sakura to think that he was only looking for something casual. Gaara knew how to fix his problems because he told his clients the same thing, just be upfront about how you feel and get everything off your chest. He just never expected it would be this hard.

Sakura was due to show up at any minute. He had already informed the doorman that he was expecting someone and gave Sakura’s description. Typically their doorman would grill the visitor about their business calling upon the Sabku brothers, courtesy of their father’s orders, but Gaara would not allow Sakura to go through that. He paced back and forth in front of the door buzzer. All I have to do is tell her how I feel and things will be better, he kept repeating to himself. Finally, the doorman called saying Sakura was on her way up.

Gaara had planned a quiet night in for them. Sakura had a tough week and he wanted to do something nice for her. He had been practicing all week how to make one of her favorite dishes that she had mentioned in passing. As they had gotten to know each other better, Gaara learned that Sakura was a very giving person to everyone she knew, but had never received the same kindness back. It was the least he could do.

All of Gaara’s nerves relaxed when he finally saw Sakura standing in his door. She looked tired but happy to be there. Gaara insisted that she did not have to dress up at all and they would have a relaxing night in watching a movie. Sakura looked comfortable in a pair of jean shorts and a t-shirt with her bright pink sneakers that he had seen before when they went on walks. Before she could greet him properly, she paused and started to smell what he had been cooking.

“You already cooked? It smells amazing!” Sakura said as Gaara lead her into the kitchen.

“I knew you’d be hungry after work so I got a head start,” Gaara said as he took her bag as she took off her shoes.

“Gaara, seriously you didn’t have to do all of this,” Sakura said as she sat down in the chair that Gaara offered.

“It was no trouble. I enjoyed making this for you,” he said as they started their meal. They ate in comfortable silence and Gaara could see how hungry Sakura was as she went for seconds. When they finished she didn’t look as tired and the color returned to her face. She had a happy smile on her face. They cleaned the table together and Sakura insisted that she could at least wash the dishes. Standing together as Gaara dried, a question popped into his mind.

“Is it so shocking that I would cook for you? Do I look like a bad chef?” he asked with a chuckle. Sakura laughed too, but a sigh followed as she kept her eyes on the dish in her hands.

“It’s not that Gaara. I’ve never had someone do that for me before. That’s all,” but Gaara knew that wasn’t entirely the truth. He didn’t want to pry as he would with a client, but this seemed odd to him.

“I find that hard to believe. I have a feeling you’ve done nice things for others right?”

“Well sure, but…” she paused as she started to think.

“But they never did show you appreciation back?”

“Yeah…” Sakura still had a far off look in her eye like she was replaying a memory in her mind. She shook herself out of it, “Gaara, I’m sorry. I don’t want to emotionally dump on you, you do that for a job.”

“Sakura,” Gaara took her hands and dried them off so that he could hold them, “You are important to me, and if you ever want to talk about things I want you to know that you can come to me and I will listen. I know I listen to people every day, but I can be there for you too. I can see you’ve been hurt before, but I hope that you’ll let me make up for all the guys who didn’t appreciate you. I think you’re amazing and…” Gaara only paused when he heard a small sniffle.

He looked up to find big fat tears building up in Sakura’s eyes. Oh crap, was the first thought that ran through his mind. Had he said something wrong? He was just saying how he truly felt. Sakura started to chuckle as she brushed the tears out of her eyes.

“You should see the look on your face! Don’t worry I’m okay Gaara. It’s just… I’ve always wanted someone to say that to be, to know I could depend on them… I’m just overwhelmed, and a bit scared if I’m honest,” Sakura said as she started to calm down, “I really like you Gaara, it almost seems too good to be true.”

She looked so small at that moment, all the pain of past relationships was probably flashing through her mind. Gaara instinctively wrapped his arms around her into a tight hug.

“I’ve never been a boyfriend before but if you’ll let me I’d like to try,” Gaara spoke into her hair. Sakura slowly hugged Gaara back and he could feel her relax into his embrace. She nodded her head and hugged him back just as tightly. All the stress from the worrying he did finally left his body.

“Thank you,” Sakura said as she gently kissed him. Then a playful smirk came across Sakura’s lips. This was the side that Gaara was getting to know. Sakura enjoyed seeing Gaara flustered and tried anything and everything to get him to blush. She kissed him again but deepened the kiss and slid her hands into his hair. Sakura took this as him being shy, but Gaara only backed away because he didn’t want to lose control of himself. He carefully picked Sakura up and walked into the living room and placed her on the couch as she broke out in giggles. Gaara walked away to get a blanket, not to hide the blush on his face.

They spent the rest of the night watching tv and talking quietly to each other. Sakura had wrapped the blanket around them as she curled up next to him. Gaara could get used to this. Especially the idea of Sakura being his girlfriend. How could other guys hurt her? It was a mystery to him. He was up to the challenge to change Sakura’s mind that she was not the one who was difficult to care for. All of his knowledge pointed towards that Sakura would take a lot of convincing that she deserved to be treated well. Gaara didn’t mind, he would do anything to show his affections for her. Not only did Sakura not care about his family name, but she also didn’t run when he opened up about his past. She genuinely wanted to be around him and returned his feels. That spoke volumes to him. They would both have to do a lot of work on themselves, but Gaara knew they could do it together. Gaara pulled Sakura closer and she instantly snuggled into him more. Yeah, they could do it.

#Sabaku No Gaara #gaara x sakura #gaasaku #sakura #Sakura Haruno #temari #Kankuro #modern au #dating au #My writing

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