#trying not to overwork myself but also i never feel this good and productive so i gotta take advantage of it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

letteredlettered · 2 months

Note

Hi!! Have you ever struggled with burnout, depression, or overwork? Currently in my first job post college and it’s been very intense as we are currently like 3 people doing the work of a team designed for 7 people (two roles they are working to fill and two people are out on leave -> one is out on vacation and the other on parental leave). Have spent many ours on overtime (around two days a week I usually sleep five or six hours and spend a few more hours working —> other days I work a bit less but still some overtime) for the last few months. It’s really hard to decompress and stop thinking about work as I work remotely. I need to get better at setting limits and advocating for myself but I think one issue I’ve been dealing with is getting caught in a cycle of having a lot so having not a lot of time to do an analysis of like what needs to change and this is my bandwidth. Also it’s hard to predict bandwidth sometimes because I’m still very new to this industry and department, so I’m still learning how much coordination is necessary to get something done. Another problem is that everyone is stretched to their limit and extremely busy, so I feel kind of bad rejecting projects. I think an issue is that I also have relatively low self-esteem and confidence but a deep desire to be “good” from like an academic perspective and a work perspective, and the main leader of my team is someone who I like a lot and appreciates what I do, so I keep trying to do more or at least meet expectations. I also receive assignments from different people (five people total, usually), so people generally don’t have visibility as to my bandwidth unless I speak up. One person in particular gave me a lot of assignments with a good deal of time pressure and was the person that I was working the closest with —> still trying to catch up to some of the more evergreen projects I had with him because the other projects I’ve had in the last two months have even way too intense to do anything else. I’m really grateful for this job and I like a lot of the people I work with, but I’m kind of struggling.

I mention all of this because I really respect the way you are able to commit to creative projects and create incredible works and really focus on making something. I’ve never really had an ability to stick to a creative project or hobby for an extended period of time —> frequently I disappoint myself in my lack of consistency or follow-through for a lot of my personal goals. I also really appreciate the way that you engage with certain themes in your work and value your perspective. So just kind of curious if you’ve been through this before or have any thoughts about this sort of thing

I've thought a lot about what to tell you here.

What anyone would recommend is that you set boundaries and take care of yourself. They'd say that your well-being is more important than your work. If they read your ask carefully they'd realize that maybe your performance in this job is connected to your well-being in your mind. If they're looking at the strings that control the system they're going to tell you capitalism has brainwashed us into thinking that we should sacrifice our health for the sake of production, and then they'll tell you you should do what you can to break out of the capitalist mentality. If they're not excited about seizing the means of production then their in-universe advice (in-the-capitalist-universe advice) is going to point out that you cannot produce more for the capitalist machine if you're burnt out (I'd call these people the neoliberals of tumblr but I'm not sure that exists; I haven't seen it).

But none of that is really addressing the problem here, because you already know all of that, or if you don't know it, knowing that isn't going to help you. You don't need to be told to set boundaries. You know you accept too many projects; you know that you haven't been clear with your colleagues about your bandwidth. You know you're trying too hard to please others and that part of the reason is you have a low self-esteem.

Something that people don't talk about enough is how bad it feels to set boundaries. When people advise others to "set boundaries" it's always as if it's never occurred to anyone else to stand up for themselves. The problem is that it usually has occurred to us, but it's hard to do and feels bad. Hearing "stand up for yourself!" repeatedly can sometimes help us feel like we did the right thing when we do manage to stand up for ourselves, but it can just as often make you feel even worse when you can't stand up for yourself. You're being overworked and you're not doing the thing that everyone tells you you should do.

And another thing that people do not talk about enough is that most workplaces do not like employees who set boundaries for themselves. They like people who say yes. You often won't get in trouble for setting reasonable limits for yourself, but you won't advance. The ones who work late and work on weekends and take on every project and say nothing about bandwidth are usually the ones who get promoted. I'm not saying this because it's right or okay. It's another flaw in the capitalist system. But it is very often true, and I've been a little frustrated that in all these glorious discussions about boundary-setting, this is not something that gets talked about more.

So what to do, when you know the answers, but it doesn't feel great, and might not get you where you want to go?

Spend time with your feelings. A lot of time with your feelings. Imagine ways to communicate your bandwidth. Imagine how you would feel in each scenario. Pick scenarios that feel more comfortable and less intimidating for you. Imagine saying no to a new project. Imagine how you would feel doing that. Pick a way of doing it that feels the most manageable.

Think about your colleagues, what you like about them and why. Imagine how they would feel if they knew that you were struggling. Imagine having an honest conversation with them about how hard this is for you. Would they listen open and compassionately? Would they try to make changes that could help you? Or would they say, "We're all going through it," and "there's nothing to be done?" Imagine saying to them, "I know we're all going through this, because of the staffing challenges we're facing," and "I know there's not much to be done about this, but this is how I'm feeling." Would they accept your vulnerability? Would it make you feel bad to be vulnerable in that way? Would it make you feel worse to be vulnerable in that way or to say nothing?

That's not a leading question. Saying nothing is okay. There have been many times where I am facing a problem and I realized that doing nothing was the thing that made me feel best. There were other times when I really didn't want to do something and I knew it would be incredibly hard, but I knew I would feel much better having done it.

Think about your self-esteem and confidence. Why don't you feel confident? When you imagine saying no, and it feels bad, what makes it feel so bad? Is it because other people don't say no? Are you measuring yourself against those other people? How can you stop doing that? Or is it because you feel like a good worker always says yes? Where did you get that idea? Was it an idea communicated to you by people who love you? By society? Are there people who haven't made you feel that your worth as a person was predicated on how much you were able to accomplish? When is the last time you spent time with them? What makes you feel good about yourself? When is the last time you did it? Are there things you can do outside of work to boost your confidence? What are they? Can you do them? Why not? If work is holding you back from doing them, is it worth it?

It's okay if work feels worth it. I'm not endorsing the capitalist machine when I say that it is okay to do something that is really difficult or unpleasant for a certain amount of time to get where you are going. But if that's what you're going to do, then develop a plan of escape. Ask yourself how long you're willing to put up with this. Ask yourself what the next step in your career or life journey is. Ask yourself what you will put up with to get there and what is unacceptable. Write it down if you have to, then try to abide by that, and if you are unable to bear your plan six months down the line, make a new one.

I am fortunate in that these kinds of questions come really naturally to me, and I think they must not come so naturally for a lot of other people. Definitely, there are blocks in my mind; I'm not always able to understand myself or my own feelings; I don't know what's best for myself or how to make myself do things I want. But this kind of thinking is not going to give you immediate answers. Instead, it's going to build the skill of getting to know yourself.

The ultimate question you should be asking is "What will make me happy?" It sounds like a simple question, but it is in fact the most difficult of all. It is the question we struggle with every day, and every book that was ever written, every song that was ever sung, every painting that was ever painted is about that, in the end. The answer to that question is the meaning of life. Most people never find it, but the search is worth it.

It's definitely worth it.

#work #jobs #capitalism #life

37 notes · View notes

feyhunter78 · 1 year

Note

Hi, I love your works. This is the first ask I've ever done so sorry if I do something wrong. Could you perhaps write some dad!elrond. Either with reader as his partner or his child? Also if you could make it a younger child? Maybe child or toddler?

Hope your day is going great.

Hey love!!! You caught me on the right day! I've got some free time at work, so I thought I'd get this Dad!Elrond headcanon out for you!

I hope you have a wonderful day as well! Thanks for requesting!!!!

Dad!Elrond Headcanons

So, of course we know he’s a good dad, we see that in the movies and later books, but we’re talking about young Elrond, Mr. I overwork myself until I fall asleep standing up.

He’s not opposed to children, in fact he thinks they’re precious and should be treasured, but he hasn’t given much thought to them at this point in his life.

Then he meets you, falls in love, and boom a child. A little baby girl with your eyes and his hair. She’s a happy baby who laughs at everything and is just so curious about the world around her.

At first Elrond is overly cautious, he’s afraid to accidentally harm her, or make her cry. But this doesn’t mean he’s not trying to be the best father he can be. He’s writing Durin and Disa for advice, stopping random parents on the street and asking them questions, he’s reading books and consulting with healers if your daughter’s forehead even feels slightly warm.

But he’s so nervous, so he’s a little…almost formal? with her. Not cold, but stiff. You spend most of your time with her and Elrond takes over the household chores, making sure you have nothing to worry about and can focus on your adorable child.

Then comes the first time he's left alone for more than an hour or so with her. You’d reassured him that everything would be fine, and that you were just a few streets down at your parents' house if he needed anything.

Elrond definitely sits across from your daughter and just stares at her, trying to figure out the best way to entertain her. She stares back, and then she starts giggling, and reaching for him, and his heart just melts. He scoops her up, and she grabs at his face, her big eyes just like yours. He’s obsessed, even more obsessed when her first word, which you were so upset you missed, was “ada.”

After that he takes her everywhere with him, to deliver speeches, to run errands, to visit the High-King, or Galadriel, your daughter, is always with him, waving to people as they pass by.

You rarely see one without the other, and everyone thinks it’s the cutest thing they’ve ever seen. He calls her his “little starling” and refers to you both as his “starlight, and starling, the greatest joys of his life.”

You actually have to stop him from climbing up in his writing tree with her, reminding him she can’t catch herself. He then decides to strap her to him so that she can’t fall. Which you still have worries about.

And your baby girl? She’s a daddy girl, has him wrapped around her little finger. Anything she wants, she gets. Sweets? Of course, anything for his little starling. A new toy all the way from Khazad-dûm? He’s already writing Durin and asking him to make two in case the first one gets broken. Affection? Please, Elrond never put your daughter down.

She’s spoiled rotten, but still remains the sweetest and most well-behaved child. She can sit quietly for hours as Elrond writes, and she loves to go to the market with you, babbling as you inspect different products, and produce.

All in all, Elrond is a supportive and attentive father who adores his daughter and would do anything for her.

Tag list: @elronds-pointy-ears, @elrondscalaquendi, @dilf-superiority, @jesticace

#elrond x reader #elrond x you #elrond x y/n #elrond rop #rop elrond #young elrond #young!elrond #young elrond fanfic #meg's writing #thanks for the request!#I hope you like it!!!#elrond headcanons #dad!elrond #elrond peredhel #rop fanfiction #rop #rings of power fanfiction #the rings of power #anon request

123 notes · View notes

moonlit-positivity · 5 months

Text

Self compassion is a practice, being kind to yourself is something you have to learn how to practice. How do you start? Notice all the ways you're being mean to yourself and try real hard to be nice to those mean voices.

"I'm fat and ugly."

"Okay, I know how you feel. It's okay to feel this way, because we have been through a lot in our life that has reinforced this belief. And even though it's painful, it's also okay that we feel this way, and it's okay that we have to hurt like this. Even though, it's actually not okay at all, is it? They hurt me, and I'm in pain."

Its still not that easy, because then your meanness will say shit like, "i don't deserve to feel good about myself. I'm no good." So then you gotta practice real hard the art of acceptance. "I know what you mean. And even though this hurts, I'm gonna be here for you anyway. You don't have to feel good about it, you don't have to find the silver lining. We can just sit here and feel bad, and ill make sure nothing bad is gonna happen while we wait it out."

And it's still not that easy, because then you're gonna be pissed off that no one can give you this kind of love 24/7 except for you. So now you gotta recognize all the ways youre crying out for something your childhood couldn't give you, and you gotta go deeper than the average bear to foster this kind of compassion for yourself. Because now you know your parents' abusive rhetoric & unrealistic expectations of you are riding your ass through the ground, in a world & environment that might not be encouraging enough for you to recognize that, so you have to foster that for yourself instead.

"I should be doing something productive with my time, so I always feel like I am never any good for anything or anyone. I am constantly comparing myself to others because my parents raised me to believe I am no good unless I can provide a service for them. And they never loved me enough to let me be a kid."

"Okay, I know this is heartbreaking for us to deal with. How can I show up for us today? Remember that we are not always gonna be able to compete with the abilities of others around us, and that's okay. Remember that we are allowed our own methods, our own lives, our own wants and needs, and that's okay. Remember that every day brings something new and challenging for us to deal with, and that's okay. And it's okay if we do absolutely nothing today. It's okay if we do absolutely nothing tomorrow too. We are still deserving of love and care, and tbh this time of doing nothing is not laziness. It's me resting from being overworked, overwhelmed, abused, and in need of healing. I am allowed to rest and still be loved. We can let go this need to hate & punish ourselves for the sake of others. We are allowed to set & determine our own fate. This is okay, too."

Kindness is an art. You've been told your whole life that your feelings don't matter. Of course it's easy to spiral into those hard wired lies. You have to actively push back, every single day. Trace the edges of someone else's kindness until you can learn your own. Fake it til you make it 🌸

11 notes · View notes

probablynotnothing · 14 days

Text

This picture is from a book called "all along you were blooming" by morgan harper nichols.

its almost unbearably hard trying to be a human who is good, careful, smart, forward thinking, and doesnt harm others. i didnt experience pain like this when i was younger. i know now i dont use any substances at all it is also terrifying and frightening to experience emotions i prevented ever experiencing when i was younger. through numbing in many various ways. some of these emotions its not necessary for me to experience but i dont know yet which these are. so coming off the tail end of the season of pointing my anger against myself, i will use the last remains of this guilty desire to harm myself by experimenting with what does and doesnt help me in certain contexts.

It's so difficult to know myself and what works for me to do to feel better in different circumstances, since i relied on drugs, sex and food when younger in a way that I now associate with my downfalls and shame. Yes many things i did to cope and make myself feel better when younger had outcomes not in my best interest, but there was really magic in doing things by consulting my inner desire and enjoyment. i want to do that now and minimize harm (financial, health, relational) while also being compassionate to myself that my brain doesn't experience joy and rewards with the things that "it should" experience rewards with. I dont have patience, i dont like arts and crafts, I like hands on activities and exploring and learning, and thats ok.

I cant problem solve it and know all the answers right now regarding how to think about myself and life. i'm frustrated so many people know who they are and what theyre doing, and that they feel inherently rewarded doing the things that take me massive willpower to force myself to do. i feel betrayed that i don't enjoy doing much and certainly don't seem to enjoy anything "upright" and "productive".

i have so much debt and dont have any financial plans in place. i keep eating out because its the only way i can feel comfort and pleasure lately and i don't have the energy and patience to cook like i used to. i know my unhappiness directly relates to my job, and my job directly relates to my financial constraints. it seems like a self perpetuating cycle. Don't know the way out but im grateful to remember this is a major aspect of my unhappiness and anger, and I'm not just "broken". I'm experiencing appropriate human emotions for a human in my circumstances and history.

I force myself to go to these classes I dread each week because i tell myself if I don't I may be stuck in my exhausting dead end job forever and never get closer to my goals and just keep breaking down my body more with overworking myself in fast paced physical labor jobs. I'm experiencing the discomfort of something new yes- but I am also experiencing the discomfort of incompatibility and disagreement in philosophy (dog training), and a lack of inherent rewards. I'm trying to force myself to behave in a way I think I should to accomplish my goals, but doesnt the path my end goal need to be filled with things i find bearable and rewarding in order to confirm i'm on the path?

I keep on feeling like a ghost. winding up in situations where i dont want to be rude and infringe ("who am i to sidetrack this person's path"). while its important to be able to quietly peacefully depart paths and leave into the night, at some point i do need to also learn how to be honest about confusion, disagreements, etc. because i need compassion for myself, to be willing to take up room and help those who may not want to ask for help or admit they need help, and i need others to help me by giving me opportunities so i can selfishly have a job that is actually compatible with me and my inherent advantages/ strengths and disadvantages/weaknesses.

I need to recognize for myself the difference between sincerely liking someone and being compatible, and the difference of living in "customer service mode" and trying to be likable and peaceable with everyone.

When i survived when i was younger, and got out of homelessness, could i have accomplished it in ways that didnt involve gritting my teeth and forcing myself to "stick with the program"?

it feel like an overwhelming disaster to examine and sort through how my unhappiness relates to practical matters of the present or past memories, but its worth it for me to try to find my peace adn happiness, and try to get to the life i want to live, even when it feels impossible.

#capitalism #anti capitalism #life path #mental health #life management

3 notes · View notes

annieqattheperipheral · 9 months

Text

Once upon a time my cousin was stressed n overworked so to cheer her up i sent her some crosby pics, as one does in proper society:

which resulted in me accidentally writing an entire sidnate hrpf AU for her to come enjoy between excel spreadsheets or whatever she does. inspired solely by the gifs that came up in whatsapp's gif search for sidney crosby, i present to you, coming soon to the hallmark network:

Royal Hockey Love

chapter one

[cousin's msgs in italics]

This pic has Royal Prince vibes. He's the secret, legitimate heir to some European throne. But he'd rather hold a hockey stick than a royal sceptor.

The end scene when his country's ppl have finally accepted him by attending his exhibition game in his home country (he had run off to play in the NHL in North America)

When he spots his father the king amidst an escort of royal guards at one of his games (he's just had a fight, so he's especially sweaty, disgruntled and his helmet is off). They've found him and come to take him home

Oh my god. Yes. Yes!!! This. His adrenaline is running high. His father demands an audience just as he's kicked out of the game. Another ugly confrontation between father and son

His father takes a cheap shot about how he's not even a good enough player if he got kicked out of the game. Maybe on second thought, the kingdom deserves a leader with a cool head and not one to lose their shit after taking one too many pucks to the head.

This is when Prince Crosby goes deadly quiet and still. And shows his father how calm he can be

Artsy shot to embody the weight on this Prince's shoulders, thanks to the cinematographer trying to give this Hallmark flick a leg up

Also, this should be illegal based on all of my illicit thoughts and feelings

First scene of the movie. Him in Schluxemburg or whatever made-up European country. Him as a young'un, his driver/chaperone telling his young charge they have to leave his hockey practice earlier than expected because he has Royal duties to get to, as per his father the King's demands

I need to go back to work, but this Royal Hockey fantasy is all I'll be thinking about

An NHL scout approaches him through his junior league coach. His disbelief, his "wait, could i go live my life for myself and not my father and country? No... Wait, could i do this?!"

Me screaming at the tv: GO FOLLOW YOUR HEART PRINCE CROSBY 🤩🤩🤩🤩

It's been going well with his new team but he's been getting sus vibes. Are his father and Royal Guards onto him?

Ooooh, is there a secret bodyguard in the stands, watching his every move???

The. Pressure. Is. Building. (Cinematographer at it again. Everyone at Hallmark is patting themselves on the back for throwing a bit more money at this production)

Rival captain is from his home country Schluxemburg and has recognized it's him (he's been going by his mother's maiden name, which is still a big deal name). There's a bit of petty on-ice back n forth after the rival confronts him during warmups with a smirk and subtle threat to out him/get in touch with the Royal Guards (his uncle is one)

But the Rival Captain is not a real enemy. He's conflicted. He wants to be the best hockey player from Schluxemburg, but he can only be the best if he plays the best.

One of the many great sportsmanship lessons in this beautiful biopic

Surprise twist, the Rival Captain is also a secret agent for the Royal Guards. Prince Crosby soon realizes that the rival captain loves to prank him, but he's never violent or aggressive

What's the rival captain's name again. I remember he comes from a distinguished family

MacKinnon of course

Oh of course!! Yes the house of Kinnon

chapter two

[apologies for using a giroux gif then switching to natemac but when inspiration hits w sidnate gifs u gotta go w it]

#hallmark channel presents:#Royal Hockey Love #sidnate #hockey rpf #hrpf #sidney crosby #nathan mackinnon

12 notes · View notes

mysteriawrites · 1 year

Note

Hello! This is my first time making a request so I hope I don't ruin it-

I'd like to ask for a romantic matchup with honkai star rail, For pronounce, I use she/her. For romantic preference, male characters. I'm an INFG, for my personality, I'm pretty closed off and introverted, my silence and blank expression always gives off the impression that I'm intimidating (that's what people tell me at least) but I'm just shy and silent. I can handle socializing, but once my social battery runs out, I immediately escape to the nearest quiet place to recharge. I like helping people,as well as being productive to finish my work. I'm good at reading people and observing them, to the point my friend comes to me to ask my opinion about other people. I can't stand being in crowds, you will find me hiding in some corner or an empty room on family gatherings. I'm good at comforting and know many ways of comforting different personalities. I tend to be emotional and sensitive to words from the people I hold dear to my heart, I'm nice and easy going once you get to know me, I don't judge on first meeting, understanding and considerate. I'm the supportive mother of my friend group. For hobbies...I love reading, listening to music, drawing and sketching and recently writing stories and novels. What I look in a romantic relationship... stability, loyalty and honesty. I tend to overwork myself a lot without realizing so I need someone to tell me to slow down, I also have a tendency to overthink every little detail and situation so I want someone to stabilize me when I'm stuck in a hurricane of thoughts. I don't know how to express my feelings (ahem, I feel like I'm burdening someone if I talk about my feelings.) and try to give hints that I'm not feeling well, I want someone who can pick up on these hints and comfort me. I take relationships seriously and want someone to be loyal and not run away. My love language (me giving) is physical touch and acts of service (I was never good with words) as for receiving, probably words of affirmation and physical touch. For date ideas...I'm good with anything as long as it doesn't have a lot of crowds, something that I hate... ignorance and cheating, definitely my turn off.

Hello Hello thank you for the request sorry it took so long (why was your description just me in a nutshell *existential crisis activate*). *ahem* Anyway lets get straight to the point. DRUMROLL PLEASE!!!

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

GEPARD LANDAU!!!

(Omg this gif is so cute XD <3)

You and Gepard are very similar, but I think that's why you two get along so well. You both are not the most socially adept people, but you both wish to protect those closest to you in your own ways.

I imagine you guy's love story starts as childhood friends...well sorta. You two are kind of more friends by association then anything. You're Serval's best friend so you two know of each other and have talked a few times over the years, but don't know much about each other besides that. Best friend's brother trope but in reverse.

You guys don't really get to know each other until Serval and her band have an after party for their latest album release. You're there to support you best friend (and be the designated driver) and Gepard is there for the same reason (and to be the security/bouncer). You two bond over childhood memories and your shared love for Serval and start talking (totally wasn't part of Serval's plan to set yall up).

After that night you guys start to hang out more, outside of Serval planning something, when Gepard has some free time. You two mainly spend your time together in the quieter parts of Belobog like the library to read together. He likes to read your writings and sometimes you'll draw pictures of him (which makes his face go a bright pink despite not being in the frosted wasteland lately strange)

It takes Gepard awhile to realize (and help from Serval, Luke, Dunn, and Pela) for him to realize he's been slowly falling for you. He goes through the 5 stages of grief trying to understand his feelings. When he finally reaches the acceptance stage, he starts to plan how he will ask you out. He remembers Serval reading him stories about handsome knights wooing beautiful princesses with their chivalry and gentlemen like nature, so that's exactly what he does.

One day he knocks on your door with a bouquet of roses, gets down on his knees, and asks if you will go out with him. Except it didn't go at all as he had planned given that he kept fumbling with his words, and you were frozen like one of the ice statues he had seen in the wastelands. It was hella awkward for both of you and he was about to turn away in defeat you let him inside to talk things out. and the rest is history.

You guy's relationship is shy, but sweet. You're both pretty awkward baby beans so you guy move pretty slowly, but sure enough you are moving forward. You guys prefer to keep your relationship quiet, not that you lie you just don't do PDA or call each other nicknames in public. In private however Gepard isn't opposed to hand holding and some snuggles.

Serval loves yall's relationship so much, she's glad her brother and best friend have both found good people let alone each other. She likes to tease you guys on how shy and flustered you are. Sometimes Pela uses you two as inspiration for her own writing and you guys compare notes. Dunn is especially happy for his boss/best friend, he had never seen him so happy.

Gepard himself can be a workaholic too, but he understands that you can't protect anyone if you don't take care of yourself. So, he likes to help you live a healthier life like he does. Positive reinforcement talk in the mirror, helps you overthink less by taking deep breaths and encouragement, he makes sure you eat 3 Nutrional meals a day, he makes sure you get decent rest (at least 8 hours of sleep at night), and he asks you how your day was and how you're feeling. he can seem like a bit of a parent, but he just loves you and wants you physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy.

Gepard is very busy as captain of the silvermane guards and doesn't always have time to hang out, but you're always on his mind when on duty. He keeps a little picture of you in a locket which he wears at all times. It reminds him of all the things worth protecting.

Sorry if this was a bit short, I ran out of ideas, but I hope you enjoy nonetheless.

Runners Up: No one

#multi fandom blog #multifandom #multifandom account #multifandom writer #multi fandoms posts #multifandom fanfiction #matchups #multifandom imagines #multifandom x reader #honkai star rail #gepard landau #gepard x reader

9 notes · View notes

nanjokei · 1 year

Text

how do you even say you like 90s, 00s anime without either sounding like a teenager with an animecore blog who doesn't actually watch anything and just mines the internet for pictures or some kind of reddit nerd ass elitist. those are just the anime that were dubbed in arabic when i was a kid (and were arguably still contemporary and pretty new anyway) so i like the conventions, and ofc the anime dvd era was also heavily nostalgic for me, the reason i love vobsub (you know those ugly ass image based yellow subtitles). i love the era where most studios had no idea how to deal with digipaint and some had much more success than others with it, other times the product was so crude the modern sense in you would make you wonder "how the fuck did they put this out on tv, then home markets". i'm not a fool that goes "it was better back then" because a lot of the shit coming out then was pure junk that was never gonna age well, and time has done those things great kindness by leaving them in that era.

i also like the stuff that came out any time. i'm not really gonna put myself in a box here. i love the early 10s, that was the last era where i feel like the anime community was watching things as a COMMUNITY. last season was great cause with g-witch and bocchi the rock and whatever else, it felt like people were watching things they wouldn't usually touch (mecha and CGDCT SoL) and they did it at the same time so there was a sense of camraderie and people actually discussed things.

i feel like the industry is in shambles after streaming companies came in with their investments and publishing companies like kadokawa got too brave. ironically i think a lot of anime is still really good, not really my issue here. it's more like because there's so much anime airing all the time the sense of community is lost, and with the crisis of overwork to meet the demands of sniveling brats who only want """sakuga""" and manga compositions being copy and pasted onto the screen in color for 20 minutes has rendered that most anime are either one cour ir they're a split cour. i really do not like split cours, even when studios try to avoid it there's always the need to have the 13th episode have a feeling of finality despite the story being ongoing... it's jarring.

honestly i just miss the most random fucking anime having like 50 episodes unprovoked. i want nature(the people who make anime and its ecosystem) to heal and i want netflix and crunchyroll and petulant little nerd boys who don't understand how animation and anime adaptations work to DIE.

#rambles #long post #maybe idk im on mobile rn

11 notes · View notes

particular-one · 1 year

Note

Hello! This is my first time making a request so I hope I don't ruin it- for an emoji, I will use this✨ (definitely not because I love stars) for fandoms, genshin impact, honkai star rail and Haikyuu! For pronounce, I use she/her. For romantic preference, male characters. I'm an INFG, for my personality, I'm pretty closed off and introverted, my silence and blank expression always gives off the impression that I'm intimidating (that's what people tell me at least) but I'm just shy and silent. I like socializing, but once my social battery runs out, I immediately escape to the nearest quiet place to recharge. I like helping people,as well as being productive to finish my work. I'm good at reading people and observing them, to the point my friend comes to me to ask my opinion about other people. I can't stand being in crowds, you will find me hiding in some corner or an empty room on family gatherings. I'm good at comforting and know many ways of comforting different personalities. I tend to be emotional and sensitive to words from the people I hold dear to my heart, I'm nice and easy going once you get to know me, understanding and considerate. I'm the supportive mother of my friend group. For hobbies...I love reading, listening to music, drawing and sketching and recently writing stories and novels. What I look in a romantic relationship... stability, loyalty and honesty. I tend to overwork myself a lot without realizing so I need someone to tell me to slow down, I also have a tendency to overthink every little detail and situation so I want someone to stabilize me when I'm stuck in a hurricane of thoughts. I don't know how to express my feelings and try to give hints that I'm not feeling well, I want someone who can pick up on these hints and comfort me. I take relationships seriously and want someone to be loyal and not run away. My love language (me giving) is physical touch and acts of service (I was never good with words) as for receiving, probably words of affirmation and physical touch. For date ideas...I'm good with anything as long as it doesn't have a lot of crowds, something that I hate... ignorance and cheating, definitely my turn off.

hello ✨! dw i love galaxy imagery as well so i totally get it, haha. i hope you like your matchups!

GENSHIN IMPACT ---- TIGHNARI

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ tighnari was immediately drawn to your presence. there was something about you that he couldn't quite place, that even if you were in a middle of a room where a lot of things were happening simultaneously, his eyes would be drawn towards you. little did tighnari know that that feeling was called having a crush. you always seemed to disappear so he actually had a hard time trying to find you but you had your first proper meeting during one of his scout missions. it was a nice change of pace with you, as he's not around his usual crowd — don't get him wrong, he likes eating out with kaveh and cyno, but having to sit through stale joke after stale joke was his breaking point. as a partner, tighnari is very caring and protective. he's pretty much accustomed to stability, so he ensures that you're taking care of yourself. though he does give some unsolicited advice on how to better take care of yourself, rest assured it's out of concern for your wellbeing as his partner. for the rare moments that you have long conversations, tighnari loves hearing you talk on and on about what you've read, or the stories you've written. he brings you to the avidya forest sometimes, and the both of you just take in the silence and fresh air together. tighnari is very stern with you if he sees you constantly overworking, chastising you to get a break once in a while. if he sees you passed out doing your work, he usually places a blanket over you so you won't get cold.

HONKAI STAR RAIL ---- GEPARD LANDAU

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ gepard was a gentleman ... or at least, he had to constantly remind himself that. this guy is the classic definition of "he fell first and very, very hard." his sister saw right through him and teases him about it, which he gets really embarrassed about. he's definitely very noble and chivalrous around you. he can come off a little.. amusing considering how he tries very hard to impress you with this. still, gepard always offers a shoulder to you whenever you're feeling down, and he's a really good listener. as a partner, gepard still is the chivalrous type. he's the type of guy to demonstrate a lot of acts of services, but when he finds out that you actually find physical touch comforting, he would most definitely shower you with a lot of hugs. watch as he'd hug you from behind, spin you around in his arms like the sappy romantic that he is. gepard's used to giving a lot of motivating speeches as a silvermane soldier, so he's very good with his words when he's comforting you, though he gets really nervous about saying something wrong. he always tells you how much you mean to him, and definitely is big on pet names — don't be surprised when he ends up referring to you as his whole sky, or his north star, because oh, he definitely would. though gepard usually is busy with his duties, he always sends you a lot of letters to make sure you never feel alone.

HAIKYUU!! ---- AKAASHI KEIJI

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ akaashi found a lot of similarities in you that he also found in himself. people with an analytical mind with the tendency to overthink? if akaashi were being honest, it almost scared him a little to know someone that could have been his carbon copy. still, that emotion slowly turned into intrigue, but akaashi never knew when it blossomed into affection. now, if bokuto found out about his little crush, his friend never lets him live it down. as a partner, akaashi is more private with his affections. he isn't the lovey dovey type in public, but he demonstrates his feelings for you by getting you things that you like. akaashi remembers a lot of your favorite things — pretty sure he made an excel sheet about it, but you didn't hear it from me — so he surprises you with them when you least expect it. that book you've been eyeing from the bookshop a week ago? akaashi has it gift wrapped ready for your viewing pleasure. that really expensive sketchpad that you've wanted to get for the longest time? he saved up his money just so he can get it for you. akaashi also is big on hand holding, but this is more of a gradual thing. he likes interlocking your fingers together and squeezing your hand in reassurance. akaashi always knows how to make time for you despite his hectic practice schedule, may it be going out on a simple dinner date, or planning a whole trip out of town just so the both of you can unwind together.

#genshin impact #genshin matchups #genshin #honkai star rail #honkai star rail matchups #hsr #haikyuu matchups #haikyuu #·˚ * 🔭 carlyle matchups

3 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 2 years

Text

1540

What is your favourite dog breed? Probably beagles if I really had to pick a favorite. I love all dogs, though.

What colour nail polish do you wear the most? I don’t wear nail polish nearly enough to have a go-to color.

Do you use lip balm regularly? Nah. My bigger issue here is my likely tendency to lose the lip balm roll every 2-3 days lol.

Do you drink soda? I don’t, but I will share that I got to try Sprite for the first time (since my awful experience with it when I was 3) a few weeks ago and I was...surprised to really like it? Hahaha the taste was fine and the fizz isn’t as aggressive as Coke’s, which is as good as it gets for me. In any case I might give at least just Sprite more chances from now on, but of course I’ll still moderate how much I drink soda because I don’t want to end up hooked to it.

Do you drive? Yup.

If so what kind of car do you drive? I still have my hatchback Mitsubishi Mirage.

Look to your left, what do you see? It’s all my BTS merch in a semi-organized, semi-cluttered pile...a pile that is also quickly running out of space, hahaha.

How many people have you dated? One.

Do you use hand sanitizer frequently? More often than before due to Obvious Reasons, but I do still forget sometimes. In any case, I spray alcohol on my hands mainly after playtime with the dogs or when I come from a crowded area.

How many hair products do you use? Two - just shampoo and conditioner is all I need really.

Are you happy with your appearance? Sure. I feel like my insecurities came about largely when I was a teenager, right when those insecurities typically happen. But I’ve grown out of those now - I still have bad days, of course, but they don’t eat me up as much as they used to.

What is the last book you read? I can’t remember.

What website do you visit most often? Apart from social media (which eats up most of my time online) and Google Suite (which I use for work)...probably Wikipedia? I like learning about things and people and events and I never run out of articles to read.

Have you ever broken a bone? I haven’t; the most I’ve been through was a sprained ankle. Zero broken bones, fortunately.

Are you artistic? I like watching people be artistic and I like looking at other people’s art, if that counts. I wouldn’t label myself that trait at all, though.

Have you ever been to a concert? I have, but I usually keep my attendance to those once-in-a-lifetime acts as opposed to others who may go to shows as long as they hold some level of interest towards the artist. That’s why my checklist so far has only been One Direction and Paramore hahaha – then as long as I can see Beyoncé and BTS, I’d consider myself completely fulfilled in this department.

Have you ever performed in a play? Yes, in school. It was mandatory though. < Same. I’ve never been a theatre kid so I haven’t been in a play that was outside school and was outside being mandatory.

Do you like to dance? Not, like, professionally. I keep my dancing to swaying back and forth to music I vibe with.

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? To be less of a control freak. I overwork myself to the point of exhaustion because I always want to make sure I have some sort of input over everything I do – and I wish I could just start laying off every once in a while.

What search engine do you use? Chrome, but I use Safari on my phone because I’m too lazy to download Chrome. Do you have a Facebook account? Yep.

What is your favourite food? Sushi. < Great answer, I’ll go with this too. Kwek-kwek is a close second.

Can you use chopsticks? I can. I feel like I don’t hold them correctly though because my food would occasionally fall off and I will also sometimes get finger cramps lol, but I can manage them well enough to feed myself.

Do you use a blowdryer on your hair? Only if I’m running really late and if I have a feeling that my hair wouldn’t dry fast enough while driving.

Do you use a flat iron? No and I never want to be anywhere near one. My mom had my hair rebonded a handful of times when I was younger even though I was always very vocal about how uncomfortable and unconfident having straight hair made me feel.

Do you have a cell phone? Yups.

What colour underwear are you wearing? Green.

What colour are most of your clothes? Black is still leading I think. I’ve been meaning to explore more colorful pieces but I’m just tooooooo lazy to shop and rehaul my closet.

Do you collect anything? K-pop merch. I won’t say I collect as a serious hobby, i.e. participating in photocard buy-and-sells, but I always buy from new collections and releases.

What colour are your eyes? They are dark brown.

Do you have any tattoos? I don’t have any. I did accompany my sister as she got her first-ever tattoo last Friday and both she and Angela asked when I planned on getting my first haha. 14 year old me (who wanted sleeves) would be so disappointed to find out her older self is now terrified of anything sharp LOL

Do you play video games? Eh, not really. I’ve always preferred watching others play, but not me. As a kid I used to watch my dad, older cousin, and uncles a lot; as I got older it transitioned to watching playthroughs and gaming vloggers on YouTube.

Do you speak any other languages? Other than English, Filipino. Do you wear makeup? Just foundation and concealer if my face is going through a rough breakout. Sometimes I’ll put on eyeliner if I’m feeling productive enough and if I have enough extra time.

How many times have you moved? That I can recall, two. I know we moved more times than that, but some of those instances happened when I was too young to remember.

What was the last food you ate? Yangnyeom chicken.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee.

Do you liked grilled cheese? It’s fine, but I never look for it. I can’t remember the last time I had one.

Do you eat breakfast? Usually only during the weekends. Work consumes me the moment I wake up on weekdays.

Do you have a cat? No.

What is your favourite childhood memory? It was always my favorite when it came time to pick up my dad from the airport. His contracts to work abroad were longer when I was a kid, and we went without him every 6 months. Only when I got older did it start getting reduced to just 4 months.

What was your favourite movie as a kid? Toy Story. It still is my favorite children’s movie to this day. I remember liking Finding Nemo and Rapunzel too.

Have you ever dated someone online? No. I experimented with Bumble after my breakup but it was 100% for the ego boost, since it shows you who wants to match with you.

Do you like to take walks? Uhh as much as possible, no. I really wish I could like walking, but it just tires me out and I get bored easily even if I’m doing it with someone. Then again I also feel like this speaks about my fitness (and lack thereof) more than anything lol.

Are you going to college right now? Not anymore; I graduated two years ago.

If so, what is your major? I took up journalism.

Do you like school? It was fun in college because I was infinitely more independent than I ever was from when I was in Catholic school. Even learning was fun because I got to pick a significant portion of my classes, and because I was actually allowed to bring my laptop for note-taking. I barely have memories from my time in grade school and high school because I didn’t like those years too much.

What perfume/cologne do you wear? I don’t wear perfume much these days.

Do you keep a journal? If so how often do you write in it? It’s just this one. It’s updated a few times a week.

Have you ever traveled outside of your country? Yups.

Do you chew gum? Sometimes.

Do you live in a big city? Nope, I wouldn’t call it big.

How often do you go out to eat? Not very often at all, I’d say 4-5 times a month. I get food delivery way more frequently.

What is the last movie you saw in theatres? It was still Knives Out. There’s yet to be a movie that captures my interest enough to want to buy a movie ticket for it.

Have you ever dyed your hair? Once. It’s been due for redyeing for like the last...three months lol my roots have been looking awkward with the light brown now.

Do you drink tea? Nopes.

Do you subscribe to channels on youtube? I do.

Do you have a tumblr? Yup.

Do you watch anime? No, was never into it.

Can you cook? I cannot.

How old were you when you first started dating? 16. Are/Were your parents strict? It was mostly when I was young, which, knowing now how scatterbrained and unaware I was as a kid, is completely understandable today lol. I got better at handling myself as I got older and now whenever my mom attempts to still be strict with me, it’s usually my dad who manages her and tells her to back off.

Is your room messy? No.

Do you have Netflix? Yeah, we have a family plan so I technically have my own account under that.

Do you have any regrets? If so what do you regret? Small ones here and there that I barely remember. I don’t think I’ve had any life-changing regrets.

How are your grades? Pretty ok. I was always good at memorization and since most of the classes I had to take were objective-based, all I needed was to read modules and textbooks front to back and I was pretty much good to go. Conversely, my grades usually suffered under classes that are more open to interpretation – which explains why I hated subjects like philosophy.

Do you get nervous easily? Yeah I can get quite jumpy over anything.

What do you look for in a BF/GF? Someone sociable and adventurous - it’d be cool if I can pull them for a day of gallery viewing or rock climbing or pottery lessons, anything under the sun really. Onto more particular traits, I’m also quite sensitive when it comes to smell and hygiene so it’s ideal if they have these things covered too.

Have you ever written a song or poem? No, I’m not very good at creative writing and have never been.

Have you ever written a short story or novel? I attempted short stories as a teenager but all of those are gross. I never look back on them, haha.

Are/Were you in a school club? Yeah, but they were mandatory every year so it’s not like I had a choice.

Do you play an instrument? Sadly enough I don’t. Where do you want to be in 5 years? If I’ve moved out by then I’d consider it a success.

What do you never leave the house without? Phone, phone charger, wallet, car keys, vape pen.

What food(s) do you refuse to eat? Fruits.

Favourite candy? Maltesers.

Do you have a good relationship with your mom? It’s okay; it’s definitely so much better compared to how destructive it was in my younger years. I wouldn’t say we’re close though and I don’t think it would ever get to that point – we are too fundamentally different. I mean first of all she’s very very pious and I dislike anything that has to do with Christianity, so that will never be resolved between us. Most of her stances are also anchored towards that religion, and mine are the complete opposite.

Do you have a good relationship with your dad? It’s better than my mom’s. I also wouldn’t call myself close with my dad but it’s more of him not really being emotionally capable of closeness, and I accepted that a while ago. But other than that, we do have a good relationship and I appreciate that we’re on the same radar when it comes to beliefs and stuff.

What did you have for dinner last night? I didn’t have dinner the last two nights but last Friday, Angela and I went to our favorite Korean spot and got jjajangmyeon, dakgangjeong, tteokbokki, and gimbap.

Do you wear glasses? Every moment that I’m awake, yes.

Do you have any siblings? If so, do you get along with them? I don’t talk to my brother, but I’m solid with my sister, yes.

Do you watch reality tv shows? If so which ones? Yeah I used to like watching a number of reality shows like Keeping Up, Masterchef, anything baking and home improvement, lol. These days it’s reduced to Korean reality shows like 2 Days 1 Night and I Live Alone.

Do you listen to the Beatles? Nope.

Do you listen to No Doubt? No.

Do you listen to Nirvana? No.

Do you listen to The Cure? No.

How many songs are on your iPod? I haven’t used an iPod since high school.

What do you miss most about your childhood? Playing outside. I don’t miss like 95% of it though; my childhood wasn’t that positively remarkable.

How many pets do you have? Two.

What kind of pets do you have? I have two dogs. What colour are the walls in your room? White.

Do you write "To-Do" lists? I have a virtual to-do list that I keep on Google Sheets. I love love love that sheet and keep it on from the moment I clock in until I clock out.

Do you procrastinate often? Yes, I am really bad (or good??) with procrastination.

What is your favourite book? I don’t have any.

Did you hate any of your teachers? Yes so many from my old school. Others had their favorite students and neglected the rest, others were unnecessarily terrifying, others happened to just dislike me. Whatever it is they were part of the reason I disliked my time in that school.

Have you ever been depressed? Yep.

How do you handle stress? Entertainment through YouTube.

What are you looking forward to? SLEEPING. I’ve been socializing the last three days, barely saw my room and barely had a weekend. At this point I just can’t wait to have a comfy night’s rest.

#survey #surveys

1 note · View note

flickpulse · 8 months

Text

How I went from no 2 hours of productivity a day to 12–14 hours

I don't even remember how many months it took me to go from being addicted to gaming, often sleeping away the morning until it's noon to someone who is productive most of the day.

Before that, you need to know what I mean by productive. I believe going to the gym is productive also believe studying a different language that can be helpful for me in the future is productive. It’s just about what I put on my calendar and need to get done for the day.

And what I did is:

Game, sugar & phone addiction The books were the healers in this case, starting from “Deep Work” by Cal Newport to ‘’Dopamine Nation’’ by Anna Lembke. I'm not saying that just reading them changed me, it was all about taking action about what I learned from the book. Mainly through creating a framework and accountability, I was able to quit. It was not easy, I can guarantee you that. It took me more than 10 tries to get things under my control.

3 things, and 3 things only. I have made the conscious decision to do nothing but 3 things with very rare exceptions such as meeting friends, which I luckily do not have many of. The three things are 1. My health, eating well, drinking water, and hitting the gym. 2. Studying a new skill or language which is coding, is an investment for creating things that are in my mind. 3. My Business. That’s almost 100% of my awake time. Of course, I take 10 to 15-minute breaks in my productive hours. These breaks allowed me to stay in deep focus so don't underestimate these rules. Only do 3 long-term things and never try doing more than that, it just doesn't work.

Nutrition I used to be skeptical about the effectiveness of following a particular blueprint for achieving happiness. However, after implementing Bryan Johnson’s blueprint as much as possible, I became a genuinely happy person. I also found that certain supplements, such as lithium (which I am not advising anyone to take), helped regulate my mood and allowed me to be more productive. It’s important not to underestimate the power of good health.

Hang around with 4 drinking friends and you’ll be the 5th I know very well about this because I was an example when I was in college. So always remember to hang around with people who have high-level mindsets and who are also like-minded. There are a few communities on a website called Skool that you can join to find like-minded people. This really helps to stay in touch with your goals. It has helped me a lot to share and read the thoughts of others. It is also a good reminder to read about your goals daily.

Redeveloped my mindset I used to believe that motivation was the key to success, however, my perspective on this has changed. Nowadays, whether or not I feel like studying or working on something is not as important to me as it used to be. That being said, there are certain situations where I do make exceptions. I try to avoid overworking myself and take breaks when necessary, but I also make sure to earn them. For example, I recently rearranged my entire room and then went to the gym. However, when I felt exhausted, I decided to skip the gym and take a hot bath instead and saw the movie Click (2006), literally enjoyed 4 hours of my day. It’s important to remember that we’re all human and it’s okay to take a break when needed. It’s also essential to avoid rewarding yourself too much when you haven’t really accomplished anything significant.

Only do what you can Pushing yourself to the edge won't be a great idea because there is a chance that you will get a burnout. Instead, do it for 10 minutes. I never started my productive journey by pushing myself, rather it was about how I maintained my consistency in doing productive things. I began my gym by doing it for 10 minutes and even if I don't have a mind to go then I just wear my gym outfit and call it a day. Again I repeat that until I eventually made it to the gym. Next thing you know, I’m working out 4 days a week. If all you can do is touch the book you want to read, don’t worry. As long as you progress it’s great.

Big disclaimer: It may sound easy but it wasn’t. At times, I still find myself procrastinating. It took me weeks to consistently focus on my tasks. However, I got better at it. I am not promoting the ‘hustle culture’ lifestyle, but I am sharing this because some people call me insane for working from 8 in the morning to bedtime. But, let me tell you, I have never been happier in my life. If you want to spend four hours every night with your girlfriend, go ahead and schedule it. It is not about being productive, it is about living the life you want.

This is what I want, and it is hard to achieve, but the fulfillment I feel now is indescribable.

A weekly advice column about productivity, self-improvement, and discipline in your lifestyle. Subscribe!

1 note · View note

kissingfloor · 2 years

Text

Chicago

Seeing dill was interesting. I understand how it's a very self sustaining and studious life- how it's probably much easier to focus on work there, but also much more depressing. This is the first place in a while I don't feel like I'd move to. That's not to say it was bad, no. Maybe it's because I didn't go to any DIY spots or shows and to be honest, having Dill as a tour guide meant I felt I had LESS freedom to explore. I met her school friends but not in any meaningful way. Lately when I have been traveling alone I've felt that I've made real friends. This is the first time I haven't. Going with someone shields you from talking to strangers... In a negative way.

Poor Dill. She's hitting a hiccup in her academic career. They say it's because of her writing skills, and that's probably true. I kind of feel like this is an uphill battle for her. Somehow I feel like her English has gotten noticeably worse since going to U Chicago. I think it's because she's around so many other Chinese students. But that's not good if you're trying to get into a top line PhD program... In the US. I don't want to say these things and upset her, but I also don't want to be fake. I feel like the academic path is not really for her. I somehow doubt that she would go this route if her parents weren't both tenured professors.

Something interesting to note is that we did have a long mathy finance conversation where we realized that her parents actually make MORE than the average American household. It is very nice that they paid her way through undergrad AND grad school. Not that I hold any of that against her, but I somehow doubt she'd be trying for an academic career if she didn't come from this particular background and set of expectations.

I will say that although I didn't make any actual meetings with professors, it was a somewhat productive exploration of going to grad school. What that would mean, feel like, etc. I think I'm nearing the age where the idea of having a simple and secluded life studying is a welcome break from the chaos of real life. It is starting to feel less like "running away" from life and more like a thoughtful retreat. Which is natural, and I think needs to be built into my future with some regularity.

I think it's funny that Dill can't imagine me in any other place than NY. Although she admits that this is maybe because she has a limited imagination. I feel like this is a question I should ask other people. Is this a thing you can imagine for me? For my mom at least, it seemed like destiny that I would be here. Very obvious since the beginning. I think my silly wanting to be a custodian at the Met reflects this original enchantment I'll never shake.

It's funny to be around the pretty annoying student attitudes again. Class elitism, glorification of overwork, of not having "a life", of total seclusion and naivete. A willing choice to study something but not experience it. A lot of ladder climbing and preoccupation with other people's opinions, power dynamics, networking, approval, prestige, recommendations, etc. Making a good impression. Selling yourself and your ideas. Comparison with your peers. Unpaid labor to win favor. I don't know why but I feel the need to ask everyone I meet why they're doing it.

At the same time I would like my brain to be used. I'd like my work to include sharpening it instead of mastering deadening it. I find that I'm becoming frighteningly good at numbing myself because it seems to be the way to get through life. Force yourself to sleep on the plane so you don't have to experience the wait. Working at the bar means long hours of staring at the wall, doing shots just to feel goofy enough to get through it. Thinking, well, once I'm in bed I'll be good. And when I'm in bed I'm either unconscious or basically stimming by scrolling through the internet, quite literally selling my attention as a commodity. It's depressing, and it's normal, and it's how we get profited off like pigs going to slaughter! It's so stupidly dystopian that it feels just as nuanced as like, WALL-E. Just buying things that ease the pain- cars to get places, food and toiletries delivered because Im working as an individual and not a team, my high threshold for comfort getting higher- getting in the way of my ability to live communally.

And always always with too many distractions that I am actually willingly seeking out- to numb the pain of boredom or work, especially the kind that actually leads somewhere. It's a cycle and it's obvious but it's painful to leave. It's getting ground up in the mill, even if the mill is getting nicer. Shinier. With extra comfy features.

I guess the crazy thing is that this is discussed to DEATH and back. It's just interesting to see it take hold of my life, too. Despite how quirky or interesting or scatterbrained and refuse-y I tend to be. I just have a wheel that's catered to me, like tik tok.

All this super edgy stuff to say that I need a direction and purpose and motivation and I need to be working, to be abstaining, it be exercising and training willpower, to be following through. I need to maintain interest in things enough to finish them, so find something new and interesting on the horizon. I need goals.

But I find that I've been self sabotaging those goals. And not in a straightforward self esteem way. Sure that's more than likely an element of it, but it's also political- or more specifically, ethical. I think I have a hard time discerning what would actually be ethical for me to have, do, work for. I need to write these things out. I've turned down so much work for almost subconscious ethical reasons. Through abstaining I think I've held true to my beliefs / integrity and been relatively uncompromising, but I've also gotten really... Stuck.

I hate like all institutions. DIY has been soul sucking too. Nonprofits, even worse. There are little things I do truly feel good about but they're surrounded on all angles with people who don't quite get it. The rule obsessed fascists at Books Through Bars, the misguided liberals and old geezers too enchanted by the craft of puppetry and the simplicity of the 60s at Bread and Puppet. People who dress a certain way and don't associate with those who don't. Excluders. Ladder climbers. Crusaders. Unquestioning naive babies...

All this sounds like I'm putting myself on a pedestal, but Im definitely not on one. I'm so stuck by these convictions that I'm unsure how to proceed. There's something to be said about the anarchist caveman kneejerk responses, the mutual aid, the eviction defences, gonzo everything. But I can't let go of this sneaking suspicion, this little part from how I was raised... That says if I could do something that actually used my brain for these things, I'd be doing a lot more good than just putting my body on the line. In work, in political work, in art, in everything. I feel like a rose ready to explode or rot and one of them has to happen. I feel like I'm teaching myself to walk again.

I just have to create, to move, to focus, to shut out distraction, to force myself through the barrier until something emerges. I have to follow embarrassment and vulnerability. I have to listen to my intuition and do something.. real.

_----

I think if I go to grad school it should further an already existing practice. I should look for mentors, classes residencies, opportunities, etc. But I should develop this internally and externally.

I need to make a za/um like cultural association. I need to collaborate. I need to find like minded people and make things together. That's the only way. I need to play to a room of 3 people. I need to do things as no one's watching.

0 notes

headspace-hotel · 2 years

Note

The writing industry is AWFUL, can confirm. I'm self-published largely *because* the Official Tradpub Industry is too awful to be on the inside of right now, and I still don't feel free at all. I am having the kind of trouble wording my thoughts that gaslighting victims have (which, hm, implies something), but I'm just gonna kinda... spitball... a few things... --Just. Cancelling. The expectations for social justice perfection that only go up, not down, the closer to an issue you actually are. Being forced to disclose everything about yourself. (Look what happened to Tamsyn Muir.) (LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO ISABEL FALL.) --Publishers basically don't pay authors shit right now. The people I know who are in self pub are there because it *makes more money*... even though that's not necessarily a lot either. Some people in your notes are suggesting at this point they don't pay editors much *either*, and honestly, that tracks (though I don't have direct evidence of it.) --Self-pub culture has a hustle culture-related problem. Now, I don't see anything wrong with people writing mediocre-but-fun books at speed--or for that matter, *good* books at speed, because some people *just write fast*--but I know of one person who outright managed to hospitalize herself from working too hard.... --I also have direct experience with a probably-overworked editor, who I paid for, who uh.... only noticed so much. So I don't use editor anymore! Except for volunteers! Who are definitionally unpaid! HAHA THE SYSTEM IS TOTALLY WORKING RIGHT --False scarcity. Publishers *could* publish more books, and *could* actually pay authors for them. Instead, there's an assumption that the, idk, one Slot Of Black Nonbinary Fantasy A Year is set naturally, and therefore it's only natural that the Black Nonbinary Authors have to basically fight to the death for it. So of course there's no solidarity between authors, how could there be, when everyone else is your *direct competition*, when it's all the fault of that white guy over there who's taking over your slot and not the publishers who are *setting the slots*... --Why the FUCK does Amazon own Goodreads, this bugs me so much --Speaking of Amazon, their contracts are *literally better* than many of the other contracts out there (cough they never ask for rights indefinitely cough) (70% royalties in exchange for setting your book in an exact price range is better than 1% or less royalties no matter what you do, cough), AND IT'S NOT LIKE THEIRS ARE GREAT. The bar is in actual hell. --Speaking of the above, aren't there a ton of books that are in rights limbo right now because Less Than Three (a small press! a way to buck both amazon and the big tradpubs!) went under? --This is all drastically, drastically affecting my productivity. I have no psychological stability or security. None. I've pulled together basically-an-editor via my girlfriend and three beta readers I would basically trust with my (books') life and that's so much better than many people are doing but I can't help but think it's supposed to work better than this. The industry is supposed to be an *industry*. A *workplace* of some kind. This is like trying to build a building while having to make every hammer and nail myself from scratch, having 0 safety inspectors, and also all the liability if the building fails...

All of this sucks so much. What happened to Tamsyn Muir?! (I've heard a lot about awful things that happened to other writers, but not her.)

For what it's worth, I've entirely abandoned Goodreads in favor of StoryGraph, which is objectively better, and y'all should too.

Man, fuck amazon.

256 notes · View notes

omegastation · 3 years

Text

Alright, here I am. I was gone for a while because I almost had a burn out. We have been swamped with work since the beginning of the pandemic (I work for an official mental health organization), I did two jobs at the same time, and I got so stressed and anxious I ended up having jaw pain like I talked about before here. It was so bad, and it was a wake-up call. I realized I couldn't keep going on like this. I've always been the type to ask myself questions like "What should I do? What would be productive?" instead of "What do I want to do? What would be fun right now?". With everything that happened around us, it also became a sort of mission. I had a lot of responsibilities, and I could see that I could always do more, you know? But it never stops. There are always things to do and people to help, and overworking myself isn’t a solution. It’s not even a way to live.

I genuinely have to work at taking care of myself, so I'm trying to do that now and avoid the worst of depression. I also had to dealt with grief, unrequited love and feeling like a failure (because on top of everything I thought it would be a good idea to do a Master and realized I just couldn't). Anyway...... It's hard, but writing, reading and knitting have been really helpful. I'm back at work now but I'm being careful. And people around me are making sure I don't overwork myself again.

And I wasn't back here because I felt terrible about not playing MELE like everyone else, like being so far behind because of mental and physical health issues. It's ridiculous really, because I would be the first to say that there is no such thing as a "true" fan - but I felt like a bad fan. I was stuck in ME1, I was way behind everyone else. It felt like I had to catch up or I would be seen as someone who didn't care. It was just frustrating to me.

It's still frustrating. Nausea is a major issue. I'm hoping my appointment with the ophthalmologist will help (they couldn't receive me before the end of September...) but in the meantime I basically can't play too long. Driving the Mako is really the worst (have to lie down after) so I can't explore planets. But that's okay, I accepted it now. It's not the end of the world if my playthrough isn't complete or if I take my time. I can still play and have fun.

I'm very happy to say I finished ME1 this weekend and had a great time. I'll make a separate post about it.

I hope you're all okay. I'm going to reply to every message, private or sent to my inbox, and genuinely apologize for not having done so sooner. If I missed something (I probably did, tbh), don't hesitate to tell me. I'm also going to queue things. I'm already seeing gorgeous edits, gifs and fanart and that makes me happy.

#tw nausea #sorta?

72 notes · View notes

you-are-worth-the-wait · 2 years

Text

Take my perspective with a grain of salt since I was only there for 30-ish days. Morning shift definitely had it tougher and harder than night shift. I never worked days but I saw the way the day shift nurses looked vs the night shift nurses during shift change and it seemed like the day shift nurses were always burnt out. The day shift girl I saw seemed to be very smart/knowledgeable. Seemed like a go getter. Reminded me of you. I think she was just overworked. Patient ratio was bad for morning shift. I’m thinking that’s why they are hiring. Help even out the load. She’s the girl who was in the middle of trying to transfer. Night shift is cake. For the most part. On a smooth night, a ton of downtime. And the crew is really nice. I liked them. They are all very helpful, very friendly, nice camaraderie. I honestly would have extended my detail and really wanted to work that unit. But I have a decent team at the clinic also. I think there was just one or two things keeping me from just leaving the clinic. It was a tough and personal choice. On paper, everything says I should do it and again, I would have. I guess I just wanted to give myself a chance at the clinic and see if it’s worth staying there. But yeah. Advantage of working at hospital is 3/4 two week shifts, chance for OT. Negative: distance, when you working inpatient they can make you float to any unit, patient to nurse ratio can be off. But 1W night shift crew is amazing. Awesome night shift charge nurses, great crew, super helpful. I enjoyed my time there. It is possible that you might get bored since I know you want to be productive. People be sleeping or playing on their phones a lot once you get your stuff done. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep like they do.

Umm…I may write more later. I can’t think of anything else at the moment. Feel free to ask a kit anything else that I may not be addressing. They are a non-tele med surg unit but they are trying to be certified as a tele-med surg unit but I heard they been saying that for 2 years. Night shift will allow you to learn/hone your skills at a good pace. I think it may be slow for you though. That’s cuz yer so smart and driven. But you get in there and if you get floated to other units, you get exposure there and you can eventually find a unit you like and transfer. Night time I think you are afforded the time to do all your med passes and still talk to your vets. I was able to. Nice people. But I’m sure like all places you get entitled people. Especially the vets unfortunately. They will say they did their time so they are owed. I don’t know how I feel when they play that card with me. Then you have the ones who are too proud but thankful/grateful for the help. Like I said, if you don’t interview, tell them you know someone who already works with the VA and that got detailed to the unit that would gladly interview for the position. Haha I don’t know. I guess I just like challenging myself to getting things I can’t have or when people say I shouldn’t even be someone considered for something…*shrug* prolly the reason why I’m doing what I’m doing “gambling” with stocks. It’s prolly not the smartest thing but I see something that’s possible. High risk, high reward. Just gotta accept the possible losses. Let me know when you get the job or accept the offer. I’ll just wait for you to tell me. Life changing :P We can go celebrate :) would you tell me once they extend the position or wait till it’s “official” to tell me? Will you even tell me when is your interview? Just thinking out loud

7 notes · View notes

my-simp-land · 3 years

Text

Every Stitch With Love

been on a writing spree. tbh feelin lots of burnout from my other hobbies. welp here we are. this one feels more emotional. bucky and you come to an understanding. bucky x reader. 1690 words. noice

Being an Avenger meant that either all your time was taken up, or you had all the time in the world. There was never a casual day where you went to work in the day and hung out with friends in the evening. It was never go out for brunch then come back and do some paperwork. You were either swamped with field reports or had an empty desk.

However, you were never free enough to pick up a real hobby, like book club on Thursdays or pottery class on Saturdays. You were always a wrist flick away from being sent on a mission for days, weeks, or months. That meant getting creative with your free time. Most of the Avengers indulged in some work related hobby: Natasha did ballet, Steve went on runs, Tony working with his suits.

Working out has never been my favorite, so I had to get extra creative. Reading is usually reliable. It only sucks when you come back from a two month long mission to the last book of a seven book series with little to no knowledge of what’s happening. That’s always fun. Baking was fun, until you strike some bad luck and everything you make sucks.

I picked up a new hobby a few months ago though: embroidery. The texture of the fabric, the cool needle, the transformation. It was the perfect muscle memory hobby. You just follow the pattern. It gives your brain just enough of that itch to keep it happy, but it’s easy enough that you can just disconnect and autopilot the entire time.

At first, my room and the commons became littered with embroidery hoops with simple designs. It quickly transformed to patching peoples clothing. Suits were always professionally patched or replaced, but you’ve got that special shirt or pair of pants that you just can’t get rid of. From there, I quickly grew bored and started giving people extra designs with their patched clothing. Natasha usually got edgy things: knives, flowers, spiders. Wanda always got flowers with the flowy lines and designs. Cap and Sam got lots of stars with the occasional firework. Tony got the funny, immature designs. Soon, people were coming to me with designs. Natasha wanted a sweatshirt with an embroidered sleeve like a tattoo sleeve. Peter wanted a Spider-Man hoodie. Tony wanted matching pocket tees for him and Bruce. That inspired me to make matching pocket tees for Steve, Sam, and Bucky.

Everything in the past had always been fun and easy. Everything changed when I decided to make Bucky something. I nearly threw myself in the lake trying to come up with the design. Actually putting my designs on a shirt was entirely different. I spent countless days and nights trying to make it absolutely perfect. It basically meant I was holed up in my room for who knows how long to also keep it hidden from him.

Knock knock. “It’s me, Nat. Just checking in.”

“Come in.” Natasha slipped in and quickly closed the door. She scanned my room. Nearly every surface was covered with pieces of cardigan or string. “It looks like a confetti cannon went off in here but with your yarn stuff.”

“Thanks Tasha. I’ve only spent, oh I don’t know, thirteen days in here trying to get my design right.” I huffed and threw down the shirt; my head dropping to my hands. “I don’t get it. Why can’t I do this, Tasha. I’ve been embroidering for months, and suddenly, I woke up and can no longer do it.”

“Honey, you’re overworking yourself. You just need to take a break. Let yourself rest then try again in a week.”

“I can’t do that! I want this to be done by the time he gets back from his mission. It’s his first mission since he was freed. I know it can be hard. I just...I just want him to come back to something that shows him I’m here.”

Natasha couldn’t help but frown. Ever since Bucky had joined the team, you two had had a rough relationship. The two of you were very private and closed off. It almost felt like putting two brick walls in front of each other to converse. Soon, the two of you were able to find a solid middle ground, but it was still really hard some days. You both denied it, but the love between you two was undeniable. There was still a bit of growing before the relationship had enough foundation though.

“I’m sorry. I can always go and sabotage the mission. Make them have to stay longer to give you more time.”

“Good heavens, no! I wouldn’t want him to have to be out of his comfort zone for a moment longer than necessary. I’ll just- just give him the best product I have when he gets back. It’s only a few days now. I’ve got enough time to start a new one but that’s it.”

“That’s the spirit. You usually work well under pressure; I’ve seen you cook dinner. I know it will be perfect.”

“Thanks Tasha. Guess I need to make a trip into town.”

Today was the day. Bucky. Steve, and Sam should be arriving within the hour. Return day from a mission was always rough. It always seemed like the day could never end. I’ve spent all morning doing everything I can to prevent that. A warm chicken pot pie, comfy socks, fresh drinks, and a clean area always helped. It may have been influenced by some mania, but that’s for another time.

“Miss, the group will be here in approximately 15 minutes. They have a debriefing then they should be free for the remaining portion of the day.”

“Perfect. My pot pie will be out in just enough time. Thank you F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

15 minutes to finish preparations, take pot pie out of the oven, change into clean cosy clothes, dish out food, then spend the final minutes preparing myself.

“Welcome home guys!”

They were shocked to say the least. Usually everyone avoided each other on mission days. It was always awkward despite them all going through the relatively same thing.

“I made chicken pot pie and got some comfy clothes ready, so y’all can just pick up your stuff and head to your rooms for some decompression.” Steve and Sam quickly, but gratefully, grabbed their designated plate and clothes and headed to their rooms. Bucky lingered though.

“I- uh, thank you, doll. It was very kind of you to do all this.”

“It’s no trouble, Bucky. I- uh actually have something else for you. I’ve been working on it for a while.” I quickly grab the box on top of the fridge. “I wanted to make you something cozy. I know- um that we’ve had a rough time becoming friends, but I wanted something to say that I’m always there for you even if we aren’t together...ya know? Uh, here you go.”

Bucky stares down at the box for a long time. Like an awkward amount of time. Enough for Natasha to come into the kitchen, realize what was trying to happen, and quickly flee.

Finally, his hand reaches for the ribbon, gently pulling it from the delicate bow. He sets the ribbon on the counter behind him. He carefully removed the top to reveal the insid-oh god. That’s...that’s the wrong sweater. Oh no. No no no no no. This can’t be happening.

“Wait, You can’t look at that. That’s- that’s not right. I must’ve made a mist-”

“Doll?”

“Yes, Bucky?”

“You made this for me?”

“Yes. I’ve made countless variations. That one is just the first one. I promise if you let me go grab the right one you’ll love it ev-”

“Doll?”

“Yes, Bucky?”

“You made this for me. You created this. With the intention of giving to me.” I can see the tears begin to sparkle on the edges of his eyes. The blue becomes stormy. “You made this with thoughts of me. You said you made countless versions. You thought of me the entire time I was gone.” He unfolded the cardigan and holds it out in front of himself. “Just like I thought of you. Every second my mind was running back to you. I thought going on that mission would make me feel better; make me feel like I’m finally contributing towards bettering the world from myself. But I was wrong. I was better with you.” He slips the cardigan over his shoulders. It fits him just as I imagined. “I’m better with you. I’ll admit, therapy and my mission helped, but it’s you. Just knowing that you are in my corner, thinking of me and cheering me on...i just. You know?”

At this point, tears are streaming down both of our faces. We’ve had our moments of vulnerability but nothing like this. We both take that step forward into each other’s arms. We’re both engulfed with love. We squeeze each other, trying to get closer to one another. His scent engulfs me: his musky cologne and the sweat from his mission. His tears dampen my neck, but I imagine his neck is damp with mine. I can feel his heart beating through his chest; fluttering like a bird.

We hold each other for a long time: pot pie and a shower lost to time. At some point, we become one. His beginnings become my endings. In that time, there were no more words. It was completely silent, but we had a conversation. Every gentle caress, every heavy breath, every move became more. Bucky and I have never had a conversation as deep and understanding as that one, and we never will again. To connect with someone like that is a once in a lifetime thing. Not just anyone can rub your back and pull you close like Bucky can.

Eventually, we had to get up. Dinner was soon, and people would begin to use this area again.

“Bucky. We need to get up.”

“Just- just a few more minutes, doll. I’m not ready to let go of you yet.”

#bucky x you #bucky fluff #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky barnes fic #bucky imagine #bucky fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky fanfic #james buchanan barnes #bucky x reader #mcu fandom #marvel #fanfic #fluff #sad #i'm sad

46 notes · View notes