#this is one of the really frustrating and like. depressing (for a lack of better words) things about having depression

[cr0wc0rpse]

Upset because tonight I was going to shower and do my T shot right after but when I went downstairs to grab my speaker I had to take care of the kitchen first and that took a while and then when I went back upstairs it was already 11:30pm so playing music would be a risk (parents asleep) and then my brother got in the shower before I could so if I showered after I wouldn’t be able to play my music and by the time he left the bathroom I lost my energy to shower. This was the first day where I actually Felt and Noticed how gross I feel and took note of when I last showered and now I have to go to bed like this. It sucks so bad

#I guess I’ll just shower in the morning #I’ve just been having a lot of issues with general self maintenance lately. it’s hard to notice or get myself to do #so when I snap into being aware and caring I have to first get myself in a state of being able to do it #and then actually do it #and those things can be very difficult sometimes! #this is one of the really frustrating and like. depressing (for a lack of better words) things about having depression #it gets hard to take care of myself. even really basic stuff #I just don’t notice how bad it gets and even if I do it’s hard to act on it #like. ok. cool. I’m miserable all the time and can’t get myself to enjoy things or stay on track or feel anything #and I also have to worry about self maintenance and taking care of my surroundings? and do that consistently? #and I won’t even notice most of the time? cool. great #this is a long fucking post. I will stop now. this just sucks #dead text

[inbarfink]

One common Undertale misconception that really frustrates me is when Sans is portrayed with a strong innate sense for RESETs and alternative timelines. Like, that he remembers the RESET timelines better than the other characters who only have occasional feelings of deja vu or even that he can sense when a timeline is RESET.

And that’s, like, almost the opposite of the actual text of the game. While pretty much every main character can have slightly-different dialogue in a Not-True-RESET, especially if the Player had previously befriended them, based on the idea that they have lingering memories/feelings from before the RESET - 

Sans has no real dialogue changes based on this conceit. All of his changes are based around noticing Frisk has different reactions based on their memories of the precious timelines. 

Other characters do also make observations like that about Frisk, like Mettaton and Toriel. But Sans is distinctive because this is the only way his comments change between RESETs and there are a lot of them from him.

Because that is what really frustrates me about this misconception. People mention it as one more thing that makes Sans cool - but the actual truth is far more badass. Sans is one of the people in the Underground who remembers RESETs the least. I think memory-resistance to RESETs is probably tied to Determination. Flowey, the second-most Determined person in the Underground after Frisk, can remember everything perfectly.

Everyone else has some vague feelings and deja vus. And Sans, he’s the least motivated person in the Underground - both in the sense he’s lazy and in the sense he’s fucking depressed.

That probably means he has very little Determination. Thus, he doesn’t remember anything that happens between RESETs.

And yet, he is still the character most aware of them. Because he has the technological know-how to read and analyze timelines.

And because he has the observation and analytical skill to notice a RESET from other people’s reactions and behavior. Whatever it’s Papyrus thinking he recognizes someone or Frisk’s behavior implying that they know something they shouldn’t have. Sans main RESET-related skill is just being able to identify these moments and come to the correct conclusion about them. And with that he manages to be the most aware character in the entire Underground.

Like, the one point where it might seem like Sans remembers something from a previous Timeline is the Fake Spare scene during his boss battle. 

But it’s all pretend. Unlike the previous lines from other characters that I mentioned, this dialogue plays even if the Murder Route is the first time the player touched the game. Sans isn’t remembering anything in this scene. But he makes an educated guess that the Immoral Time God probably tried using their powers for good at first, so they were likely ‘friends’ in a previous timeline. And in most cases, his guess is right on the money - tricking many players into thinking this is another case of the game actually reacting to their past actions.

And as always, Sans can only tell if his lil’ trick worked or not based on the expression of the Player Character.

Arguably, Sans even uses his lack of Determination and cross-RESET memory to his advantage in his boss battle. After all, the whole point of this fight isn’t to kill the Player - Sans understands this is impossible. This is a war of attrition, trying to get the Player so frustrated and annoyed with the unfair fight that they just ragequit or RESET the Timeline. And this war of the Player’s patience versus Sans’ stamina and will is infinitely easier for him when he doesn’t actually perceive all the Player’s previous attempts against him.

Like, for the Player this might be the billion time they go up against him, they’re aware of some of his patterns and tricks now but they’re probably also frustrated and angry and exhausted. Meanwhile, from Sans’ POV, this is still the first time this is happening. He knows it’s not from the Player’s behavior and Frisk’s expression - but he doesn’t feel it like the Player does. 

He doesn’t feel the frustration and repetition of the endless stalemate. So he’s always as fresh as a daisy no matter how rugged the Player is getting.

And that’s part of why Sans is so cool in the first place, like, in general. He’s technically the weakest person in the Underground, lacking in every standard evaluation of power in the setting - no ATK, no DEF, no HP, no DETERMINATION. But he’s darn clever enough to overcome these weaknesses and even use them in ways that make them into strengths, enough to be one of the most dangerous and most aware guys in this whole setting.

Sans can’t remember anything, and that makes him awesome.

#undertale #undertale meta #sans #sans undertale #undertale analysis #sans ut

[marvelfanfn2187a113]

Let It Out

Sam and Dean Winchester & little sister!reader, Castiel & teen!reader

Requested by Anonymous

Having two older brothers who fight monsters had its own set of problems. Being a witch doubled those problems. Suffering from a depression that you didn’t dare tell your family about, that just multiplied everything until every little task felt impossible to complete with such a weight on top of you.

You had had a handle on your life for a long time—after all, you were used to the hunting and the lack of sleep and the loss. That is, until a certain archangel friend of yours died. That was when your depression really got going—Gabriel was gone, and it was like his death reminded you of everyone you’d ever lost, and you couldn’t take it.

The worst part was that you couldn’t tell your brothers; they were busy saving the world, the last thing they needed to hear about was your problems. Besides, they had it just as hard as you, if not harder. Why should you make it all about you?

So, you didn’t say anything, and it was taking its toll on you and your skill set. Magic was dependent on emotions, and yours were everywhere.

It wasn’t just your magic that was changing; school wasn’t going so well either. The boys were too busy to have noticed, but your grades were dropping and—

“Y/N?” Sam’s voice snapped you out of your reverie, and you turned to see him holding up a piece of paper. When you caught a glimpse of the front, your stomach dropped. It was your report card. “What’s this?”

“I-um…” you had nothing to say.

“You can do better than this. Much better. We both know that, so what happened?”

“I-I just…got distracted.”

“Distracted?” You hadn’t noticed Dean in the corner of the room until he stood up and spoke. “By what, hunting? I thought you agreed, school comes first.”

“It does!” You insisted. “I just—“

“If you can’t do both, you know which one you’re dropping,” Sam said.

“No!” You panicked. Hunting was the only outlet you had for your powers, and right now your powers were the only outlet you had for your grief.

“We agreed!” Dean insisted. “You said you would drop hunting if you can’t do both.”

“But I can!”

“This says otherwise.” Sam waved your report card.

“That’s not fair!” You cried. “One report card doesn’t-“

“Your grades have been dropping for a while,” Sam interrupted. “I just didn’t think they would get this bad. I should’ve mentioned it sooner, I just…” he sighed. “I thought it would get better.”

“It will! Don’t stop me from hunting,” you pleaded.

“You’re not giving me much of a choice!”

“Sam, you can’t—“

“That’s enough,” Dean barked, and you both shut up. “We made an agreement, and you’re going to honor it. Until the grades go up, you’re not hunting.” Dean slung his bag over his shoulder as he spoke. “We’ve got work to do. You stay here and study for that test you told me about, understand?” Dean’s tone left no room for argument.

“I understand,” you grumbled, unable to look him in the eye, whether from anger or sadness you weren’t sure.

“Good.”

Your brothers were gone without another word.

As the Impala’s engine started up and the boys drove away, your hands curled into fists and you let out a yell of frustration. You jumped in surprise when the table next to you fell over. Did you bump it? You didn’t think you did.

Maybe you needed to pay closer attention to your powers. Or maybe you just needed to put them to good use.

…

“What do you think you’re doing here?” Dean demanded.

“I think I’m saving your bacon!” You retorted before casting a spell on the closest ghoul.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Sam insisted before taking a headshot at the ghoul heading for Dean.

“You’re welcome,” you grumbled as Dean shot the ghoul that you had petrified with your spell.

“Y/N behind yo-“ a third ghoul pounced on you before Sam got the chance to warn you.

Dean tried to aim at it, but he couldn’t get a clear shot without risking hitting you.

Sam jumped into action at your cry of pain. The ghoul had bitten into your shoulder before Sam managed to tackle it off you.

As soon as you and Sam were clear, Dean blasted the ghoul’s head off.

“Y/N?” Sam was by your side in an instant, peeling the fabric of your shirt away from your bleeding shoulder, cringing when you cried out in pain. “Ok, you’re ok, you’re gonna be fine.”

“That was crazy,” Dean grumbled as he knelt next to you to examine your injury. “That was really stupid, kid.”

“I-I didn’t see him,” you cringed. “I-I’m sor-“ you broke off with a cry of pain when Dean lifted your head, jostling your injured shoulder.

“You shouldn’t have even been here,” Dean sighed, glaring at you. “And I thought you got that guy with a spell! Your magic doesn’t seem to—“

“Dean, she’s bleeding a lot,” Sam interrupted quietly, glancing nervously at the growing puddle of blood beneath you. “I think we should try for Cas.”

“Hey Cas,” Dean stepped away from you to talk to the angel. “Cas, we need you over here! Y/N’s hurt pretty bad. Can you—“

“I’m here.” Sam jumped in surprise when Castiel appeared next to you.

“Cas,” you croaked, whimpering when Sam moved to make room for Cas.

“Shh, it’s alright little one. This won’t hurt at all.” Cas placed two fingers on your forehead, and your wound slowly sealed itself with a blue glow.

“Thanks Cas,” you breathed as you slowly sat up, rubbing your shoulder as the pain slowly went away.

“Cas,” Dean spoke up. “I think her magic’s gone all wack, can you—“

“Dean, I’m fine, really,” you said. The last thing you wanted was your brothers looking in too deep to why your powers seemed to be failing. You would look weak.

“Her powers aren’t anything physical,” Cas said. “If they’re not working correctly, she either mispronounced the spell, or she’s not in the correct mental state to perform magic.”

“Cas.” You wanted to interrupt him, but it was too late.

“Y/N.” Dean stepped closer to you, and you ducked your head to avoid his gaze. “Sweetheart what’s he talking about?”

“I’m fine.” Your voice came out small and timid.

“Y/N, talk to me.” Sam stepped forwards.

You shook your head, blinking hard and fast in a failed attempt to keep the tears at bay. Your hand unconsciously sought out something to hold onto, and your fingers clamped onto Cas’s trench coat.

“Are you alright?” Cas’s gentle voice was the only invitation you needed, and you practically flung yourself into his arms, burying your face against his shirt as your tears began to fall. Cas froze for a moment, unsure of what to do, but slowly he wrapped his arms around your shoulders, pulling you tightly against him.

“It’s alright,” he soothed. “It’s ok, I’ve got you little one.”

“I can’t do this anymore,” you sobbed, clutching onto Cas like a life preserver. “I-I miss Gabriel. And-and Joe and Ellen, and my-and my dad.”

“I know,” Cas sighed. “I know, it’s ok.”

“I didn’t mean for it to mess up the hunt.”

“It’s not your fault,” Cas promised. “You’re allowed to feel like this. It’s ok to feel sad, it’s ok.”

“Maybe we should take her home,” Sam cut in.

“Don’t go.” Cas’s heart constricted at your whimpered plea as you held on even tighter to him.

“I won’t,” he whispered to you before looking at Sam. “Go on, I’ve got her.” With that, Cas disappeared with you.

You jumped in surprise when you arrived suddenly in your room.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said. “I didn’t mean to surprise you.”

“I’m ok,” you sniffled, still unwilling to let go of Cas.

“Ok.” Cas smiled. “Would you like to lay down?”

You nodded, and Cas led you over to your bed and let you lean on top of him after he laid down.

“I’m sorry,” you said finally, your throat constricting as the tears returned.

“Don’t ever apologize for what you’re feeling,” Cas said, wrapping his arms around you. “You can let it out now, you don’t have to hide it.”

“I just don’t want Sam and Dean to think I can’t do this,” you cried.

“You can trust them. You don’t have to be alone with this, you never do.”

You didn’t respond, and Cas didn’t push it. He held you in his arms and you finally let out your years upon years of tears that you hadn’t let yourself cry before. Eventually you fell asleep, and still Cas didn’t move.

Most times when he was needed, it was so he could heal your or your brothers physically, and that was easy for him. This was much harder; he wasn’t well versed in human emotion, and he wasn’t all that sure that he was helping you correctly, but he sensed that his presence was all you needed.

So here he would stay.

Taglist:

@nyotamalfoy

#dean winchester #dean and sam #dean winchester x reader #supernatural dean #the winchesters #dean winchester x you #winchesters x reader #sam winchester #sam winchester x reader #winchesters x sister #castiel & winchester!reader #castiel & reader #castiel x winchester!reader #castiel x reader #spn castiel #castiel novak #castiel

[joels-shitty-puns]

The Key To Your Heart - Track 8

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Musician!Reader

Series Summary: After writing your feelings for Pedro into a song, it gains a lot more popularity than expected. Ultimately it brings both criticism and support, with new possibilities around the corner.

Series Warnings: 18+ only (MDNI). Alluding to sexual scenarios. Kissing. Fat shaming, name calling. Mentions of food, weight loss, weight gain, dieting, weighing, potential eating disorder, food guilt. Potential for puns/dad jokes (name of my blog, and the fic) should give that away. This is my first fic which should be its own warning, lol. Also some cursing. Mentions of masturbation (f) maybe more smut later idk. Sadness, reader is pretty depressed. Poor body image. Rude people. Bullying-ish and just lack of support? Anxiety. Age gap! Reader is in her mid 20's, Pedro is current age (48).

Other stuff: Reader is plus sized. AFAB. Inexperienced. Also has a dog, but you can pretend it is another creature probably. Further, in case it isn't clear, italics almost always are the reader's inner thoughts!

Word Count: 2.8k

Series List: Here!

Miss Chapter 7? Here!

Hi all! I know this one took a lot longer than previous. I was on vacation and then went straight into my work week. I almost thought about ending it after the last chapter but I realized there's still some loose ends! Also I gotta say I'm really overthinking the voicing for Pedro, but I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless. This chapter entirely got away from me and wasn't the plot I anticipated, haha. Once again, thank you all for reading. I love all the comments, messages, and asks I get about my story and it honestly blows me away. Please continue to like, reblog, and let me know what you think! Love to you all!

Also I made dividers! Weeehooo

The rest of the evening was filled with kisses, cuddles, and sweet nothings whispered to each other through smiles. It was just a quarter after midnight when Pedro finally pulled his lips away from yours and looked at the clock. Turning to set his forehead on yours once again, he quietly spoke.

"I should probably get home, Princesa," he punctuated with another kiss.

You let out a whine, but knew you weren't ready for it to move much further than this too quickly. "What time is it?" You kissed him.

"It's already after midnight." He kissed.

"Hmm," you hummed with another press of your lips to his. "And I never even turned into a pumpkin." Kiss.

"I don't think that's how the story went, mi amor," he ran his hand over your hair, kissing your lips, your cheek, below your ear, and finally your neck.

"Mmmm," you sighed, tilting your head to give him better access. "I can't really think clear enough about how that story went right now." You ran your fingers through his curls.

He kissed down your neck again a few times before gently nibbling your earlobe. Your breath caught in your chest.

"We should really slow this down and call it a night," he whispered directly into your ear. You felt his nose brush your hair and his warm breath on the side of your face. 

You sighed with a pout of your lips. You knew he was right. It was too soon into the relationship - or whatever this is - to go any further. But damn, would you be lying if you said you didn't want it.

"I know, baby. I know." He sighed in response, caressing your cheek with his thumb.

He pulled back, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, and adjusting in his seat, pulling his sweater down further over his waist. You tried to ignore it, but you couldn't help letting your eyes drift down a little lower towards the area he was trying to cover. He placed his hands in his lap, clearing his throat. You looked back up at his face, noticing his cheeks turning a pink hue.

Guess I'm not the only one feeling a little excited here, you thought with a smirk at the idea of you making him react this way. You rubbed your thumb across his reddened cheek. "Don't worry, baby. Me too," you sighed, feeling a little antsy and frustrated yourself. His eyebrows raised, mouth pulling into a mischievous sideways smirk. 

The two of you let out a nervously happy laugh. "Maybe… I could take you on a real date soon? If you would like that?" Pedro asked, looking at you once again with those big brown eyes. "I would love that, Pedro. More than anything." You pecked his lips once more, running your hand over his bicep.

He kissed you back before pulling away with a small laugh. "Okay, I gotta go, baby. I'm enjoying this a little too much, and we should probably cool it down." He gave another nervous laugh.

"Sorry," you giggled. "You're kind of addicting, and you don't know how long I've waited for this. Kissing. Mutual feelings. Romance…" you trailed off with a grin.

"Love?" He asked, holding your cheek and giving a soft smile.

"Yes. That too." You closed your eyes, leaning into his cheek. "But that still sounds so wild to me.  I'm scared to say it to you in case you'll change your mind, or realize you don't feel the same, or that it's too soon for… that word, or…" you rambled quietly, your insecurities creating a wall you know all too well.

"That just isn't true, sweetheart. I know it's soon, and we technically just met, but we've been talking for several months now. We've talked nearly every day. I started to realize I might love you a while ago, but seeing you for the first time over video really made me know for sure. Getting to meet you in person somehow even made me fall harder," he held your hand in his.

"After just one meeting? I mean, it's just… people that have known me for years haven't felt that way, and someone like you? Someone famous and beautiful and so much more experienced and mature than me… I just.. I don't want to push you away, but I can't help but worry that you'll change your mind or it isn't real and it's all just going to… vanish," you looked down at your connected hands, closing your eyes to swallow your emotions.

"Hey.. don't do that. Don't put yourself down or build those walls. I fell in love with your music and your voice the first time I heard it. Getting to know you through text and finally talking to you on the phone, getting to learn all your quirks and your sense of humor, your personality. You. I don't know how anyone could not fall in love with you, and I was scared to let it happen. I told myself not to get wrapped up in relationships. That it would just cause more heartache that I couldn't go through again. But somehow you lured me in like a siren and I couldn't ignore it. I heard your song and wanted to know you. I talked to you and needed more. I don't care that you weren't famous before, and that you don't have a lot of experience with relationships. And any other insecurities you have can just go away, because they aren't true. You are beautiful. You're funny, smart, sweet, and you have the most beautiful voice and heart of anyone I know. I knew you were beautiful before I saw you, and I fell so hard when I finally saw you for the first time."

"Pedro…" you blinked at him.

"The constant thought that you already loved someone, and it, to my knowledge, wasn't me, hurt every day I talked to you. But I couldn't stay away. I just kept wanting to be closer. I want to be with you. If anything, I wonder why you would want to be with someone so much older than you. Someone who can't love you the way you deserve, without paparazzi and fans and spotlights. I hope you won't change your mind. Because despite my best efforts to avoid relationships, I fell in love."

You had tears in your eyes as you looked up from your lap to meet his eyes. "I love you Pedro."

"I love you too." He kissed your lips once again, and as he pulled away, he said your name in a whisper. "Believe me, having to stop kissing you is just as difficult for me too. Maybe tomorrow I can take you on that date?" He asked, standing up with your hand in his.

"I'd love to go on a date with you," you smiled at the ground, cheeks heating. 

"Great! I'll talk to you tomorrow," he kissed your cheek before kneeling down to give Skipper a gentle rub and receiving several wet doggy kisses. The two of you laughed as Pedro stood, wiping his face on his sweater. "What can I say, I like kisses from everyone in this household." He winked.

"Okay cheeseball, get outta here," you gently shoved him before giving a final kiss and waving goodbye to him.

The next day, you were sleeping in, feeling relaxed and happy, like you finally could rest easy. It was around 11 AM when your phone rang, waking you up from your deep, peaceful slumber. Blinking your eyes open to see the morning sun beaming through the window, you stretched and grabbed your phone, looking at the clock as you did so. It was Pedro calling.

Cheerily, you answered the phone, though your voice betrayed you, still sounding groggy and cracked having just awoken. "Morning Pedro!"

"Baby… were you crying?" He asked, sounding concerned.

"What? No? I just woke up. Why would I be crying after having such a nice night with you?" You giggled.

He didn't laugh. In fact, he was a bit quiet. Unusual for the bubbly personality he usually was. "Pedro?" You asked after a beat of silence, suddenly feeling nervous.

He sighed and said your name in a tone that sent a chill down your spine. "I think you should check your phone. It's… something's happened. You should see it yourself. I just… I'm so sorry. I hope you'll forgive me."

Your blood ran cold. What is he talking about?

"Pedro, I don't under-" he interrupted you. "Please. I'm sorry. Just, you should read through everything and think things through. I hope you'll still want to call me back and talk. Goodbye. I love you." He hung up the phone.

With shaky hands, you looked at your phone. 45 missed text messages, 10 of which were from Pedro. 200 notifications on your personal Instagram. 20 emails. 

What the hell?

You first opened Pedro's texts.

"Baby. I'm so sorry. I should've never dragged you into all this, I'm so sorry."

"I'm sure you've seen by now, I'm so sorry."

"Please forgive me."

"I know you probably want your space, but I hope you're okay. I love you."

"Baby?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm getting worried"

"Can we talk?"

"I hope you're just asleep or something."

"I never meant for this to happen."

What. The hell. Happened?

The other messages were from family and friends, all seeming to be freaking out about something. Still confused, you finally came across your answer.

News articles flooded your page. 

"Pedro Pascal Seen Leaving Party with Mystery Woman"

"Pedro Pascal Enjoys Halloween Party with Date"

"Pedro Pascal: New Girlfriend??"

"Pedro Pascal: Matching Costumes with Unknown Girl"

Oh shit.

Photo, after photo, after photo. You kept reading.

"Mystery Girl's Co-Worker Speaks Out!"

"Unknown Woman Is Pedro Super Fan"

"Pedro Pascal Dating Obsessed Fan?"

"Pedro Pascal Being Stalked By Woman"

Okay this is getting absurd. 

You clicked on the coworker article. Sure enough, your coworker, one you always thought was rude, had thrown you under the bus. Your name was out there now, thanks to her. "She and I go way back. We're practically besties. And yeah, she's totally in love with Pedro Pascal. Obsessed even."

That. Bitch, you thought angrily.

It was time to call your agent, Rose. You already had several missed calls from her, and she knew all about Pedro and your crush. She had become your confidante. You dialed her number and she quickly answered on the first ring.

"Rose! What should I do? There's pictures of me everywhere. My name is out there. My coworker commented on it. I haven't left my bedroom yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if they've found out where I live. I'm so scared. I don't know how to deal with this kind of thing."

You were on the verge of tears.

"First of all sweetheart," she calmly answered in her southern twang, "take a deep breath." You did what she said, though it hardly seemed to help.

"Second of all, I've been working on some fixin' since it all caught wind this mornin'. Things are startin' to calm down. Nobody seems to know that you're that singer, either. They just think you're some girl who managed to meet Pedro. But, I will say I think this may be the push you need. It might be time to tell the world, sugar. How you choose to do that is up to you, but don't you worry, I'll put out the fires."

You took a deep breath and sighed. "I think you're right. It was only a matter of time."

"Have you talked to Pedro yet?"

Shit. Pedro.

"Sort of. He called and woke me up. He apologized and basically hung up, telling me to call when I read everything. But I had a bunch of texts from him. He kept apologizing."

Rose clicked her tongue. "That poor sweet man. None of this was his fault. You know that too, right, darlin'? This is just what happens in show business. It ain't fair, but it also isn't his fault."

"I know that, Rose. He didn't do anything wrong. I got so caught up in all the headlines that I immediately called you and forgot to call him back. I bet he feels awful. I should get back to him. I hope he's okay, too. He only seemed concerned for me, but most of those headlines were actually about him and his dating life. I can't believe I put him through that." You suddenly realized what he may also be feeling after his confessions last night about avoiding relationships, and the inability to give you privacy from paparazzi.

Rose sighed. "Now if you don't call that sweet man, I will! You two lovebirds are perfect for each other. Apologizin' and feelin' awful for one another when neither of ya did anything wrong. Go get 'im. And hang in there, love. It'll all work out, trust me."

Your cheeks heated at her words about you and Pedro. "Thanks Rose. You always know what to say."

You two hung up and immediately you called Pedro.

"Pedro… I'm so sorry."

"Hon- wait what? Why are you sorry??"

"Those headlines were about you too, and your dating life and history. I hate that you were dragged into all this drama."

"Honey, no, please don't worry about me. Are you okay?? I know this is new for you and some of those articles were pretty mean. And that coworker of yours!? Clearly not a friend. How are you feeling?"

You took a deep breath. "Honestly, P, I'm so stressed. But I talked to my agent and she really talked me down. She said she's been playing crisis management all morning and it's dying down. But she does think it's time I tell the world who I am."

"Oh… babe. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I was so selfish, I just wanted to see you and I didn't think about the consequences. I should have known this would happen."

"Pedro, please don't feel bad. None of this is your fault. She's right, it's time. I couldn't keep it a secret forever. And the party was not a great experience, but honestly, last night was one of the best nights of my life."

"So.. you still want to be with me?" He asked, cautiously.

"What? Yes, what kind of question is that? I love you, Pedro. Of course I want to be with you. Did you change your mind?"

"No!" He answered quickly. "I want to be with you."

"Good!" You smiled for the first time since seeing all the turmoil today. "I guess I better figure out my plans for the big reveal. I have some ideas, but…" you trailed off, pausing a few seconds.

"What is it, baby?"

"I don't want to make you feel like you have to if you don't want to, but… would you come over? I think I'll go on Instagram live, and I don't want to be alone. You don't have to be in the shot, I just want your presence there. You make me happy. Just you, me, and Skipper together today."

"Of course. Anything. I'll be there."

"Thank you, P. Give me an hour?"

"Perfect. I'll see you then. I'll bring you breakfast."

"Thank you, Pedro. You're really too good to me."

"No such thing, mi amor. You deserve it."

The conversation ended, and you showered, thinking through your words for the internet. Picking out the perfect outfit and place in your house for the big reveal, it wasn't long before the hour was up and Pedro was knocking on your door with breakfast and drinks in hand.

"Yum! Thank you, Pedro." You helped him carry, and then kissed him deeply, pouring all your love into the kiss, letting all your stresses of the day fade into pure love. He kissed you back, pulling you in closer by your lower back. "I wasn't sure if you were too stressed to eat, so I got things that would be okay to reheat, or leave out until you felt up to it."

"You're the best, you know that?" You rubbed his cheek.

"Mmmm, that's yet to be revealed, mi amor" he raised an eyebrow and winked, pulling you in for another kiss. You giggled, feeling bubbles of nerves and butterflies in your stomach at his implications. But now was not the time for those thoughts. You had more pressing matters.

Pedro noticed your stress shift. "You ready?" He asked while squeezing your arm. "I'm about as ready as I'm gonna be, I guess," you shrugged. "Let's do this." You stated, him answering with a curt nod.

The two of you made way to your music room, setting up your tablet in the right place near your desk. He sat in a chair just on the other side of you, outside of view, but close enough to make you feel more at ease. He was even close enough to hold your hand under the desk if you needed. Meanwhile, Skipper sat under the table near your feet, willing to keep you company when he could tell you were unhappy.

"Here we go," you breathed. You clicked the button to go live, and the stream began.

Want more? Track 9: Here!

Thank you for reading! Stay tuned for more!

Taglist: (Want in? Let me know!)

@pedrotonin @starcrossed02 @lightupsketchersperson @cartoon-garbage04 @tyferbebe @maryfanson @gwendibley84 @faithfullyyours2000 @brilliantopposite187 @hc-geralt-23 @jenniferpendragon @winchestergypsy90 @red-red-rogue @theendwhereibegin @lottieellz101 @oliversaurus @kyga01 @milly-louise @titabel @taz-97 @stefanibear003 @marantha @fandomoniumflurry @ilovemybrown-eyedbabygirl @leiadjarin

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal fluff #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal x you #a! wrote a fic #pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal x afab!reader #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x musician!reader #pedro pascal x plus sized! reader #pedro pascal x y/n #rpf #pedro pascal rpf #key to your heart

[atom-writings]

Can I request the allies helping their S/O when their depression keeps them in bed for a few days, which isn't normal for them.

hetalia allies when their s/o is going through a depressive episode

1.8k words ~ gender neutral scenarios

tw: theyre not always the best but they figure it out (:

a/n: hope this was ok. if u want just like, comfort, thats cool and i can do that too seperately (: but anon i totally get i got crippling depression too. were alll in this togeeethherrr

America

Depressive episodes were nothing out of the usual for you. What was out of the usual though, was just how horribly this one was hitting you. But it seems like the person who it hurt the most, was Alfred.

Once you began spending the majority of your time in bed, he began to bother you incessantly. It'd be more annoying for you if it wasn't clear just how much Alfred was panicking.

Every day he returned from home to find you in your miserable state, he would question your sudden episode over and over again until one of you fell asleep. He offered to take you somewhere, to buy you everything, anything to get you back to normal. No matter how much you insisted that none of that would help, he continued.

That was until one day, upon his return from work, he didn't immediately come up to interrogate your lack of motivation. From your shared bed, you could vaguely hear him fumbling around downstairs. After a while, his footsteps finally echoed up the stairs.

Your door creaked open slowly, revealing Alfred awkwardly carrying bags of snacks as well as a TV. He rushed forward to throw everything on the bed before starting to hook up the TV in front of the bed.

“Alfred?”

“Yeah?“

”What are you doin'?“

”Making this room fun to be in,” He answered bluntly, but his tone was kind.

After a minute, he finished setting up the TV and crawled into bed with you. Before you could say anything, he pulled you flush against his side.

“Staying in here is no good for you, but at least there's ways to make it... less bad.” He told you softly.

You took a moment to respond, ”Can... can you stay in here with me?“

”I'll stay in here until you're ready to leave, K?“

England

As soon as your illness began to rear its ugly head, Arthur took notice. It's not like it hadn't happened before, after all. The unusual eating habits, the exhaustion, how less excited you would become over things you love, it's all typical. So he would help the way he usually did.

If you're too tired for work or school, he gets you out of it. If you're hungry, he makes whatever you want anytime. If you're slacking on chores, he makes up for it two-fold.

The entire time you spend gloomily sitting on your phone or watching TV, Arthur is running from place to place in a panic. It's clear why, he's just desperately trying to ”solve“ your sadness. After all, over his many periods of depression, he always works himself to the bone to get through them. He struggles to understand how you can just... sit there.

But of course, that's not how human depression tends to work. Seeing him so motivated did nothing but make you more insecure about your own sudden ”laziness.” Living in an incredibly clean house only helps for so long until it starts feeling weird.

The only place safe from his worried frenzy was the bedroom, where you lay nearly all day. It was quiet there, at least. Not frustrating like everything else. That was until Arthur interrupted your silence by joining you in bed with a huff.

“Love, you've been in here all day.”

You didn't respond, simply nodding and rolling to face away from him.

“What's wrong?”

Still, no response.

He grabbed your shoulder lightly, trying to pull you to face him.

“What is it?”

“You know what's wrong.”

He sighed, before laying down as well. His arms wrapped around your waist as he pulled you closer to him, his soft breath hitting the back of your neck as his heart beat against your back.

“I guess a better question would be... do you want to talk about it?”

You pause, ”Not really...“

”Well, I'll be here with you until you do.“

”No running around?“

He chuckles, ”No, I'll stay here. After all, you're strong... I imagine this won't last forever, right Love?“

France

Francis is a sensitive person, but most importantly he's an emotionally intelligent one. He notices as soon as your depression begins to get bad again, and he always tries to do little things to help. But... he knows that you're the one who's had to live in your head for years. The only reason he would go out of his way to help is if you asked him to.

Which you usually don't. It never seems to stay unbearable long enough for you to justify asking him, even though he's made clear he's always willing to do anything for you.

But this time is different, it feels as if your thoughts can't stop, no matter what you do. Even as you rest in bed, you only get more and more tired, more angry and miserable. Francis noticed this... but he wouldn't want to do anything you didn't want him to.

At least, that's how he thinks usually. But now, seeing his beloved sobbing for the 15th day in a row, he decided he had to do something.

Early in the morning, before the sun had fully risen, you were awoken by Francis's smiling face.

”Time to get up!“

”No-“

You were swiftly cut off by him grabbing your arms and pulling you upwards.

”I've set out clothes for you. We're going somewhere.“

You shook your head, ”W-Where? I'm tired-“

”It's gonna be fun! I'll buy you coffee on the way, don't worry.“

So up you were, regardless of your protests.

An hour-long car drive later, and you understood why he was so enthusiastic about going here. Before you stood the most stunning valley you had ever seen, surrounded by perfectly green trees and water so blue you could've sworn it was fake. But the breeze flowing through your hair said otherwise.

“While we walk to the beach, you can tell me all about what's wrong, okay?” He locked his hand around yours.

Sure, it didn't solve everything. But... it was better than the bedroom.

China

Yao doesn't really... understand what depression is. When you tell him it's a “mental illness” all he understands is “illness.” So the moment things start getting worse for you, he's recommending all the things he learned to make sick people better.

If it gets to the point of being bedridden, he acts like you're gonna die. Which is obviously not very... comforting. So after many times of you telling him to leave you alone, he's gotten used to popping in every couple of hours with tea, but that's it.

After all, you're usually back to your normal self pretty quickly. But this time, he can tell something's off; and he's not about to let you wither away.

So, one morning, you're awoken to a delicious breakfast already in your lap and Yao sitting in front of you, looking like a kid on Christmas.

“Wh- Yao? Why did you...”

“You haven't been eating enough, and I don't want you getting tired soon.”

You looked at him suspiciously, “Why?”

“We have plans.“

”Good plans or bad plans?“

”Good plans! What do you think of me?“

Once you finished eating breakfast, he dragged you out of bed. No matter how much you protested, his grip on your hand was strong. He brought you to the other side of the house, into his already set-up studio.

”What are we doing in here?“ You ask nervously.

”Getting you out of bed,“ He responds quickly, gesturing to the yoga mat set up next to his.

All you could was sigh and stand next to him, waiting for instruction.

”Do we really have to do this?“

He nods, spreading his legs to the side and reaching down with one hand. Looking up at you expectantly, he smiled.

”It keeps you spry,“ He switched sides, ”It keeps you healthy.“

”I'm really not in the mood,“

”Trust me.“

With a huff, you slowly worked your creaking body into the same pose he pulled.

”I can't stand to see you suffer in that room.“

”It's not fun on my end either.“

”I love you. I wish you would tell me how to help.”

You groan as the next pose he demonstrated stretched you a little bit more than what was comfortable.

“You can't 'help.' Just gotta wait it out.“

He took a moment to respond, “Well, I suggest you wait it out in ways that get your mind off everything. Like this.”

“It's helping the tiniest bit, I guess...”

He chuckled, “We will keep working at it until you feel better. No matter how long it takes.”

Russia

When your depression gets bad, it seems to be obvious to everyone... except Ivan. Despite you bringing it up to him, he either doesn't know what to do... or he doesn't care. The possibility of the latter doing nothing to make you feel any better.

Even as you spend all day laying in bed, crying constantly, he doesn't seem to notice. He just acts like you aren't... suffering. That stings, a lot more than anything else creating this depressive episode.

But after a week of this unending gloominess, you get a strange text from Ivan.

“Come downstairs.”

Weird and annoying... but more importantly ominous. It takes you only a second to throw on a hoodie and rush downstairs. You can't hear his usual humming, and the house seems completely still as you search for him. But when you look out the back window, you see him.

As you enter the backyard, you fully see what he was doing.

In the middle of the yard, he set up a picnic. Surrounding him is a mountain of bright flowers, and tens of little plates bearing your favourite sweets lay on the light blanket.

“Come sit, darling.”

You would be foolish of you to not oblige. Once you sat down next to him, he reached out to stroke your cheek lovingly.

”What is torturing you so horribly?“

You took a deep breath, “Where to start?”

“Wherever you want,” he clucks his tongue sympathetically, resting his hand on your thigh.

“Y-You know... I thought you didn't care. You've been so... normal...”

Ivan looks awkward, averting his gaze, “I didn't want to make it worse. You're so strong, I knew you could get through it on your own. I'm sorry.”

“I can.... but I don't want to...”

He leans forward, kissing your forehead.

”I promise, now, you will never deal with anything alone.“

”You're sure it won't be too much?“

”Never. Never too much.“

hey there. its gonna get better. its gonna be different. but its gonna get better. there are hundreds of people youre gonna meet, and hundreds of places youre gonna go, and its gonna be amazing. one day youll wake up and realize everything is alright. because youre gonna be ok.

#heta tag #hetalia imagines #hetalia x reader #ivan tag <3 #aph russia x reader #hws russia x reader #arthur tag #aph england x reader #hws england x reader #alfred tag #aph america x reader #hws america x reader #yao tag #aph china x reader #hws china x reader #francis tag #aph france x reader #hws france x reader #not proofread at all

[iwonderwh0]

rk1k post

Fic ideas that I'll never write:

Markus happen to catch a virus that completely locks his ability to move. He can still communicate through wireless messages, but that's basically it.

Unfortunately, it's not so easy to erase either, as the virus plots itself within some of the core components that have to be replaced, and in general it just takes time to figure out how exactly it is possible to erase the virus without fucking up Markus's system as well.

Markus can't really afford to be completely paralized like that. He has to keep showing up for various meetings and all this stuff. After all, he's a public figure that represents all the android voices.

One of the possibile solutions is to be within close enough distance to where the meeting is taking place and let someone else from Jericrew replace him temporarily while he's sick in this way, maybe wirelessly transmitting what he would have said and let them be his voice. The android(s) that temporarily take his place (be it North, Connor, Josh or Simon) may also share with him the stream of their vision/hearing, so he could be more present and included. But this is still rather lacking solution, and even though at first it works, Markus is getting progressively more and more depressed about his condition of complete helplessness. It's miserable, and more importantly – it's BORING. And no one really knows what to do with this virus without risking corrupting Markus's system either.

And so, Connor suggests a solution.

They're both RKs and their systems are compatible. He can temporarily transfer Markus into his body and let their system run in parallel. Connor system is kinda meant for that anyway – it has always had a place for a "second pilot", Amanda. Although Amanda was fairly passive for most of the time, still, she has been there. And now, as her place is free, Markus can take it.

The experience of this connection is...interesting. And it almost goes completely wrong the first time Markus tries to do something. Connor, although not meaning to, panics badly . Their system gets overloaded with stress, and now they're both overheating. Markus feels like shit as Connor's body starts to cry involuntarily, even though Connor himself frantically apologises and tries to convince him that it's all okay. It's just the experience of loosing control of his body and having someone else to control it, stresses him the fuck out, even though it was his idea to suggest it. He didn't expect it to backfire. After all, it's Markus, and not Amanda. Still.

After some trial and error they find a way for both of them be in control without completely handing administrator rights to only one of them at a time. This way none of them gets completely overpowered, and although this way it's a little harder to coordinate their actions, this solution works better for their shared sanity. After some awkward adjusting period to the way it works, they find a way to operate smoothly, coordinated, in some way even better than before. It's about trust, and they have enough of it to make it work.

It's a little weird to have some of their thoughts slipping into another one to hear. Not all of them, but some. It's kinda weird to feel the physical sensation of another one of them getting some emotion. Like the moment they only appear like that, within RK800 body some android, not yet aware of it being Markus in there can say something about how Connor shouldn't even be there. And at this moment the both of them feel two sets of feelings, a burning guilt – coming from Connor, and frustrated anger – coming from Markus. It's both the pain in their shared chest and the pressure of pulsating noise in their head. They know EXACTLY how another one of them feels, because, well, they have to endure it simultaneously.

The touch one is interesting as well – it both feels as if this touch belongs to someone else, but also it's your own. (Would it be called sex or technically just a masturbation if they get the idea to make use of their time in this way as well?)

Another thing that they are surprised to be able to share now – a garden. It's empty now, and it's cold. For Connor. Somehow, it's sunny and blooming for Markus even though they are in the exact same place. Markus soon realises that he has the rights needed to change the setting, and yet Connor does not. Disturbed, Markus realises that not only that, but in general, taking Amanda's place he actually has a lot more administrator rights, some of them the ones Connor wasn't even aware of himself. He changes the weather to make it early fall, he removes the roses and plants sunflowers instead. They both have fun just turning the garden into something completely different from what it originally was. Other than pigeons, there are now canaries, koi fishes get replaced with tropical ones. It would have been impossible for them to live in a pond if it was the real world, but Zen Garden is a place that can be programmed, it doesn't have the kind of limitations of a physical one.

In Zen garden they can get a little break by being separated, each one within their own avatar, free to walk around as they please.

When Markus's body gets fixed and the virus is finally erased from his system, it's almost sad to be parted again after they spent so much time learning to exist as one, never lonely within their own presence. As Markus transfers back, he hints that there could be a place and time for him as well to offer his body to be shared sometimes. The thought about it fills him with warmth, and, from sharing Connor's body for long enough, he knows that at this moment as he says that, their feelings on the matter are mutual.

#Fic ideas that I'll never write #rk1k #dbh #dbh markus #dbh connor #detroit become human #I love them so much #the fictional closeness my beloved

[negrutou]

I think I finally get the Mononoke: Noppera-bo arc. I think I got it. (I've watched this series like 6 times in English and 6 in Japanese,,,, could it be insanity? 😏)

No, I don't think the Mononoke is Kusuriuri in disguise, and no I don't think Kusuriuri loved Ocho. The Noppera-bo are faceless yokai who are known to steal faces and cause tricks. They also can be Tanuki or Kitsune in disguise (could that mean Kusuriuri can be a Noppera-bo? Maybe that's how he knew to dispel all those tricks). This Mononoke could just also happen to be another nameless Tanuki or Kitsune. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Regardless of all that, Ocho obviously killed every desire she had and thus those desires were her different faces, in which created the Noppera-bo that fed off the pain of her sacrifices. She wanted to be a good daughter for her mother so she killed her playful side, she wanted to be a good wife so she killed her disobedient side. She sacrificed herself. She sacrificed her many faces.

And we've all been there. We gave up so many pieces of ourselves and gave up energy to keep the status quo in some way, form, or shape (reason and truth!!!). And it's so easy to hide away from reality and picture the "what ifs" if we kept to our honest selves or jumped into our impulsive/intrusive thoughts. And Ocho had done the same thing.

She is literally feeding her own negative thoughts by picturing what would happen if she decided to kill them all. Or if she stayed in her prison some faceless man (the Noppera-bo) will come and save her and build her a palace and love her despite the flaws. Like literally, the scene where they get "married" and all the masks are soooo jealous?? Like c'mon... That's Tumblr girlie sleepytime scenarios 101.

The Noppera-bo fed into her delusions, for lack of a better word. For her trial was fake in my honest interpretation. The trial was a metaphor for her final face. If she killed her final self, the self she had now, the obedient, selfless, demure Ocho, she would lose her identity once and for all. Who would she be after? Her face would have been stolen, and the Noppera-bo would have succeeded in stealing her, keeping her trapped in the prison she thought a palace.

Not to mention, ALL of this is happening in her mind. She is technically still in reality, picking up the broken sake bottle. And in order for the Noppera-bo to lose, Kusuriuri must bring Ocho back to reality and force her to remember her self worth, to remember her main face. The Ocho Kusuriuri kills in the end is the one that keeps her trapped in her daydream, the one that wonders why the Noppera-bo loved her, the one that wonders what her life would be like rather than the one who goes and does it.

I also wanna say that the Noppera-bo, the faceless man that would do anything for Ocho, is Ocho. Ocho is the Mononoke. I mean obviously they state it in the episode, but people still think the faceless man and Ocho are two separate beings. I treat the Noppera-bo as her imagination. Like your brain will do some crazy things to protect itself from self destructing, and that basically is what the Noppera-bo was. I can say from personal experience I dived heavily into fanfiction and fantasy because I wanted to escape the horrible reality of being homeless, depressed, and suicidal.

It's so apparent in the voice lines too that Kusuriuri didn't think the Noppera-bo was helpful at all.

"Why did he save me?"

"Do you really think he saved you?"

Like just because the Noppera-bo was trying to make her happy (and just because I dove in fanfiction to vent out my frustrations) didn't mean she was saved (did not mean I had the maturity to face my demons).

I think in the end, Ocho has the guts to leave. The medicine vendor saves her from her destructive self and she goes to run away like she intended.

I hope to God this dissertation makes sense. My brain is everywhere while watching these episodes for the 7th time.

#kusuriuri #anime #mononoke 2007 #mononoke medicine seller #medicine seller #mononoke #i love this series so much #i love him

[pencileraser1]

pencil eraser one. you word your long posts about dps very well so im pointing my frustration with media-ly illiterate people in your direction. im constantly seething with rage at this podcast episode i listened to a very long time ago abt dps bc they said neils suicide was STUPID and OVERDRAMATIC. and i just. i wanna throw up that boy killed himself and ur calling himnoverdramatic what do i even do. i am high a little and this is very much affecting me i cant get up from this couch 🎀

you're completely correct for this i actually have a few thoughts about this so uh bear with me for a second

theres something that sucks so much about this specific type of criticism of this movie in particular to me because of how much i relate to neil. i watched dps for the first time when i was 17, severely depressed and borderline suicidal and i related So Much to him. i didn't write off his suicide or criticize it because i'd Been There.

generally i feel like this criticism probably stems from lack of understanding Why he would do what he did, and there's a number of reasons that that this could be although that would be leaning a bit too much into psychoanalysis and assuming things i don't know about them so i'm not going to go into it really

up until it happens, neil seems like he's doing mostly okay, and particularly if you haven't seen the movie before i could see how to certain people his suicide might seem overdramatic since it's a bit of a sudden shift from mostly okay to suicidal. but the thing is that up until this point, neil has just been doing a very good job at hiding that something is wrong.

my interpretation of the movie has always been that he'd struggled with some form of depression as well as dealing with some amount of suicidal ideation before the movie and had just generally been good at masking it. during the events of the movie he is the happiest he has ever been because of the combination of the poets, acting, and keating. so when at the end of the play his father suddenly takes away all three, and his options are either to confront his father (something that he feels is impossible to do- even if it technically isn't, the fear he has surrounding it of his father listening but not caring, or making things worse than the are, or anything else, prevents him from doing it) or suffer through 10 years of medical school away from anything he actually cares about, he decides to remove himself from the situation entirely instead.

(theres something about the way his suicide is framed within the movie where in some fucked up way his suicide more than anything else is his carpe diem. he's seizing control of his life in the only way he is physically capable of anymore)

neil's suicide isn't rational but that doesn't mean it doesn't make sense or that he's overdramatic. just because logically waiting out the 10 years until he's away from his dad or leaving as soon as he graduates high school or turns 18 or whatever it is is a better option doesn't mean that 1. he'd have the idea to run away early or more importantly think it doable (he tries so hard to not directly disobey his father the whole movie and after doing it one time is now stuck in This situation, additionally, while this is the 50's and in general shit costed less/jobs were easier to get/etc. he is financially dependent on his father and running away without any support is not the smartest decision) and 2. that he'd be physically capable of enduring the 10 years. because 10 years is a long time Especially if it's 10 years studying to become a doctor, something that is both generally difficult and also something he Doesn't Want To Do. and so the sudden switch from happiest time of his life to suicidal throws people off and they don't understand why he wouldn't have done any of the other options that they thing are the logical ones but to him probably didn't seem physically possible.

#neil perry #dps #tw suicide #this might just be nonsense sorry #hopefully coherent

[annie-creates]

The evil witch

Pairing: Lady Lesso x reader

Genre: angst

Words: 1600

Note: I really enjoyed writing this if you can not tell by the length. You asked for extra angst, hopefully I delivered. Thank you so much for the request, I hope I won't disappoint you.

Your relationship was perfect. It was perfect when you got together and it was still perfect now. At least that’s what you tried to assure yourself to not fall into depressing spiral of self-doubt. You and Lady Lesso have been walking on rocks lately but you hoped it’s just a few pebbles on the path to the clear ocean and sandy beach. Your more than normal emotional state wasn’t helping the situation much.

I felt like Leonora was falling out of love with you. She came home later and later, preferring to spend her evenings in the gloominess of her office. She didn’t kiss your forehead every morning as she used to. She stopped making sure you’re not cold when walking the gardens of the castle in the evening breeze together. All the thing that made you fall for her, all the little declarations of love and adoration, were disappearing.

Where once was affection and desire, you found lack of interest. None of what you told her she wanted to hear. No conversations with you interested her. The lady who returned to your chambers after dark wasn’t the same woman you fell in love with. Your beloved Leonora turned into someone you barely recognized anymore.

“How was your day?” you asked your girlfriend once she stepped into the room.

“Average,” was all she said, obviously disappointed you’re still awake.

“Did your students give you any troubles?” you didn’t wanna give up, trying to hold somewhat of a conversation.

“Y/n can you shut up?” Leonora was having none of it though.

“I just…” you trailed off unsure how to react.

“You just what! You just want to drive me crazy with your constant needs and silly stories. You’re just a dependent shallow puppy who can’t help but annoy everyone. You’re suffocating me and this needs to stop. You need to stop! Let me the fuck alone!” Lesso finally snapped, frustrated from all her pent-up emotions.

“W-what..?” you didn’t wanna believe what you’ve heard, she’d never talk with you like that. “You don’t… mean that…”

“Yes, I do! Can’t you see! You’re needy and clingy and I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I won’t.” she folded her hands over her chest.

“Are you… breaking up with me..?” you managed to hick up through the tears.

“What does it sound like to you? Are you that dumb? Yes, now leave me the fuck alone! And stop crying before I give you a reason to!” Leonora shouted before stomping her way to her wardrobe.

You run out of the room just in your night gown, not really caring about anything but being as far away as you could. How could the woman who held you to sleep every night say such things? The one who whispered I love yous into every little kiss you had? The woman who shared her treasured coat with you on cold nights? When did your lover lose the love for you?

You moved back into your old room in the tower of good after that night, Dovey and Anemone helping you get the things as you didn’t feel like going back there alone. You were more than grateful for their help and emotional support once you told them about the falling out. There weren’t your best friends for nothing. You tried to get back into your schedule as fast as possible, trying to not think about things too much.

But the morning sickness you attributed to the stress of the break up wasn’t stoping and so weren’t your heightened emotional reactions and weird food cravings. Soon it raised questions with your friends, ones you were too afraid to ask yourself or say out loud. You were just getting better and thinking back to your time with Leonora would definitely scratch all your progress.

“Honey I know it’s a hard question, but are you sure you aren’t pregnant?” Clarissa asked when you finally made it into the professors’ office after washing your mouth out since you were incredibly sick after something you ate for breakfast.

“No, how could I be? I can’t…” you weren’t really fooling yourself and you definitely weren’t fooling the ladies.

“Why don’t you take a test, just to be sure? I mean, if you aren’t, then you’re definitely sick or something…” Emma pointed out.

“Ah, fine, if you think so…” to be honest you didn’t really know which scenario would be worse, a child or a strange sickness.

They of course both went with you, assuring you everything will be fine during the process. The wait was infuriating. You thought you might pass out from the stress of not knowing what the result is gonna be. Finally the timer went off, your friends looking to you expectantly.

“Can one of you look? I’m scared…” you admitted and Emma picked the test up as Clarissa hugged you.

“It’s… positive.” she declared.

“Oh my god!” If Clarissa wasn’t holding you upright you definitely would have passed out. “No, no no no.” You hid your face in your hands starting to cry again. “That can’t be right. It can’t be.”

“It’s gonna be alright sweetheart, I promise. Everything will be alright.” they calmed you down as they hugged you tightly.

Now you had answers at least and they weren’t concerned about your health anymore. If you were being honest they took better care of you than any mother would have. Anything you wanted, anything you needed was done before you could even finish asking for it. For the first time in months you felt like a princess. You got your wit and confidence back, slowly building up everything Leonora has crushed. It helped not really seeing the dean of evil, if it wasn’t for herself your colleagues made sure you didn’t have to meet her for longer than absolutely necessary.

You knew you needed to tell her tho. And it was better to be done sooner than later. Soon your belly would start to grow and the sooner you get this responsibility off your back the sooner you’ll breathe a bit more freely. The simple idea of confronting her about this terrified you, but you had more than yourself to care about. You needed to be strong for your baby and you will be. No matter her reaction, you’ll leave with your head held high and confident, that’s what you told yourself.

“Come in,” answered the uninterested tone of Lady Lesso when you knocked on her door. With a deep breath you did. “What are you doing here,” she frowned.

“I didn’t come to disturb you, I just needed to tell you something…” how do you tell someone so cold you’re bearing their child?

“Yet disturb me is exactly what you do… so get it over with before I tell the wolfs to keep you from butting in here,” she challenged.

“I’m pregnant,” you announced fast tearing the band-aid off.

“And that should concern me why exactly?” her mean demeanor didn’t falter one bit. “What is it my business what slut you are and who you spread your chubby legs for.”

“With you, of course. I didn’t expect anything better from you, I just thought it fair to let you know,” you tried your best to not let her words get to you. “Your words don’t harm me anymore Leonora as I have no respect left for you. I don’t love you anymore.”

You didn’t let her get anything else out as you’ve left her office as fast as you’ve entered. You didn’t want to make this longer than necessary and truth be told, you did actually feel a bit better. Now you knew she really wanted nothing to do with you and your child, and even though it stung a lot, knowing was always better than living in what ifs.

You welcomed your daughter into the world a few months after that. A lot has changed, the castle has evolved, the school went a long way, but most importantly you were in a good place both mentally and emotionally. Your baby girl rested in your arms as Lonnie – your new friend and the descendant of Mulan – held your hand. From the moment she joined the school for good you were almost inseparable. She stood by you on your hardest days, holding you through your sleepless nights when everything hurt and nothing was comfortable. You were understandably wary to let anyone too close but she patiently supported you no matter if you’d ever let her closer.

Leonora lived in the deepest denial for as long as she could. But the moment she saw you in the gardens, picnicking with the silly princessy knight, she felt the pang of jealousy. How dare you be happy without her? All smiley and laughing? The regret washed over her when she caught the glimpse of a little child running around, red hair and big green eyes shining in the afternoon sun. There was no denying that was her child as your daughter looked exactly like Lesso. And at the same time, she looked like you.

She’d wish for nothing more than to be the one holding you both in her arms, whispering sweet nothings to you once more. But you wouldn’t listen. You wouldn’t believe anything she’d say anymore. She crashed her hopes for being the amazing mama and all what was left were the tales of an evil witch you’ll sure use as a bedtime stories for your little angel. She saw how hard she fucked up now. Sacrificing her happy ending for her selfish needs of independence and self-rule.

#lady lesso x you #lady lesso x reader #lady lesso angst #lady leonora lesso #lady leonora lesso x reader #leonora lesso #leonora lesso x reader #lady lesso #charlize theron x reader #fanfiction #school for good and evil #the school for good and evil #sge #tsfgae #fanfic

[royalbilliards]

i would LOVE to hear your opinion on maruki's therapy bc i see a lot of ppl saying he sucked as a therapist and i've never seen one so i can't really say anything with certainty...... but idk, i want joker to have at least an okay therapist just because it's a nice touch. also i think it's more satisfying narratively when maruki is someone joker can lean on for support and get attached to, but then has to oppose because shitty actualization. idk. pathetic wet man makes me go brrrrrr

Welcome to the autism zone.

So a lot of my thoughts on maruki’s therapy comes from my own experiences with a therapist in the past (I’m trying to get a new one right now) but. A lot of what Maruki’s ‘confidant perks’ and what they’re called suggest he’s giving Joker treatment for anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense given the way he acts in public outside of the joker persona, and the situation he’s in at Shujin (being bullied, for lack of a better term because it’s 5 am and I just woke up, and ostracised due to Kamoshida spilling his criminal record).

Practices like mindfulness and wakefulness sound like bullshit when you first have to start them, mostly because of the names, but the practices themselves are grounding techniques, being able to be present in your body, aware of your surroundings, and not letting yourself spiral via panic or depression and stuff. Detox is a term for drug addiction and alcoholism rehab, they’re not exactly practices we know Joker needs help with, but they’re most likely preventative measures, so that he doesn’t go Down those paths BECAUSE of his situation, which honestly makes sense, depression, anxiety, bullying from peers and the rest of it, including his criminal record and the way Japan treats students with criminal records, it makes sense that Joker could have easily gone down those routes if he didn’t have his friends and the metaverse to blow off steam and have an outlet for his emotions that he isn’t allowed to have in his day to day life. Flow is also a form of therapy treatment for handling depression, and mostly focus’ on capturing moments of positive mental states and allowing yourself to be completely focused and involved in Enjoyable activities that make you happy.

Because all of these therapy treatments that we get named from his confidant perks are Real therapy treatments that both Work and are widely used to treat specific mental health problems (Depression, Anxiety and Self-worth) we get both an insight into how Joker is actually feeling about things outside of what he shows and how useful these techniques are in his actual day to day life, because he’s using them to handle stressful situations in the metaverse.

There’s also the fact that Before everything, and AFTER everything, Joker doesn’t seem to hold much animosity towards Maruki, yes Akechi does and he’s Totally allowed to hate him, but neither Yoshizawa or Joker do, when Yoshizawa is more than justified in being angry and frustrated with him. And it might just be due to the abysmal lack of characterisation Yoshizawa gets, but mostly she seems like she too, like Joker, WANTS to help him, because we know that Maruki himself struggles with Self-worth problems, delusions of grandeur, a messiah complex (in both definitions of the term) anxiety and depression (along with a few other spicier things I don’t feel like mentioning because I’d need to bring up the psa’s on how demonised disorders need to be treated with respect since no one can do that on the internet). But there doesn’t seem to Be animosity between the three of them. Mostly just worry about someone they both cared about, and trusted.

There’s also the fact that, Jokers interactions with Maruki do not End After you help him with his research, we’re just cut off from the interaction at that point, because Joker in canon is explaining to Sae other more important things, he probably doesn’t feel the need to tell her the confidential therapy treatment he’s receiving at school. Their interaction continues, we get a fade to black, so it’s obvious he is getting actual therapy treatment, but Maruki has probably picked up on Jokers earth shattering savior complex and is easing him into the idea of therapeutic treatment by having him assist in his research, so Joker is more inclined to accept the help, since it’s a Transaction to Joker. If Maruki had more time to be Jokers therapist, and I assume he would have at some point Offered to continue his work as Jokers therapist after his tenure at Shujin ending, he would have eventually been able to work on that with Joker, and weaned him off Needing to help people all the time, and viewing social interactions as a transactional thing.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t think Maruki is a bad therapist outside of the horrors, I think people just don’t think about it because it isn’t spoon fed to them in a social link interaction, which is where the assumption that he’s Only using Joker as a sounding board comes from. But what would I know I just did media studies and have a special interest in analysing media, SHRUG

#virtype #anon #do I main tag this. hm. i will think about that when I wake up #decided I do main tag it #takuto maruki #persona 5 royal #persona 5 #p5meta #p5r spoilers

[my-castles-crumbling]

Chapter 9- Clandestine

Guys, I've discovered Lana Del Ray. So if this chapter is a bit emotional, blame her. Okay, CW: LOTS of dysphoria, as well as a lot of discussions about binding, safe binding, and depictions of unsafe binding. Blink-and-you-miss-it misgendering. Some quick medical stuff. Anxiety, depression. Hints at self-harm, but not really.

Second year was not much different from first, if Regulus was honest. Rooming with Barty and Evan. Walks with Sirius.

He didn’t feel older. Classes weren’t much harder. He enjoyed being back. He felt safe.

But he struggled in some ways. Namely, with his body, which still insisted on betraying him daily.

Being in a room with Barty and Evan was wonderful in many ways. It was a reminder that he was considered a boy, here. That people looked at him and saw a boy. That he fit in with the other boys.

Bit it also made him ache, in a way that was difficult to describe. He watched Barty and Evan continue to change in the open room as he shed his clothes in the safety of the bathroom. He stared in the mirror for far too long, changing into shirt after shirt, wondering if he could actually see a small curve on his chest, or if it was his brain playing tricks on him.

Sometimes he had to sit on his hands to resist the urge to claw at his very skin. It wasn't that he wanted to hurt himself. It was just that his body kept changing, kept getting worse, and he sometimes felt the primal urge to just–

Sirius and Pandora and Dorcas were so well-meaning. They listened to him rant and rage and scream. They helped him on days when he just felt wrong, like a square peg in a round hole. They comforted him.

He’d taken to hiding the rock Potter had given him for his birthday in his pocket. When he got anxious or particularly nauseous when looking in the mirror, it helped to worry it in his hands. Flip it over and over. Feel the smooth surface. It was calming, somehow. It allowed him to focus on something else, anything else, besides the way his body didn’t fit.

He slept in the bandages almost every night. He knew it was bad for him. He felt the way his chest bruised and his back ached and the rashes and scratches burned. But he found that he needed it. He felt so invalid, like he wasn’t truly a boy without them. If he thought too much about it, he found himself close to tears- why did he have to go through this just to achieve the same feeling most people naturally had?

But he pushed that resentment down, and just re-tightened the bandages daily, forcing himself not to think about it too much.

It could be worse, after all.

--

“Did you hear?” Evan asked, one October evening as the three of them lay lazily in bed avoiding homework.

“That you’re a prat? Yes,” Barty replied lazily, dodging the pillow that Evan threw.

Regulus snorted.

“No, that Potter is replacing DeSilva this year on Gryffindor,” Evan clarified, scoffing a bit.

It had been a huge topic of conversation amongst anyone who followed the Quidditch games- Gryffindor had always been alright, but their Chasers had been lacking. A good Chaser would make them a problem, especially to Slytheirn, whose Keeper was shit. People had wondered why DeSilva hadn’t been kicked off in previous years, but Gryffindors were too nice, and had the policy that once you got a position, you kept it, as long as you didn’t do something morally wrong.

Of course, Regulus had watched Potter play. So, he knew they were a bit screwed, now.

So, why was he excited at the news?

“Potter’s not bad,” he commented, trying to keep his voice even.

“We’re fucked. Between Flint and Goyle, there’s no way,” Barty grumbled.

“Flint’s gotten better at covering the right hoop,” Evan said reasonably. “Too bad Goyle’s captain, or they could kick him off. He’s such shit. But I heard his daddy bought the whole team new brooms, so we’re stuck with him until he graduates.”

Barty grunted in frustration. “Maybe he’d catch the snitch if we charm it to make whistling noises. Always thought he followed Crabbe around like a puppy.”

“Next year, he’ll graduate and Reg will be Seeker. Then, we’ll stand a chance,” Evan shrugged. “Until then, I’m betting on Ravenclaw. Pandora says their Seeker is decent.”

Regulus nodded vacantly, reaching into his pocket to turn the rock over and over.

Privately, he was betting on Gryffindor.

--

Pain.

All he felt was pain.

Crawling up and down his ribs, punching at his back, stabbing at his chest.

It was jarring. Scary. Terrifying.

It hurt to move, hurt to moan, hurt to breathe.

He’d never woken up to pain like this.

He needed help, and he knew it. But his entire being shied away from waking Barty and Evan. He didn’t want to bother them (both were not ones to be awoken before absolutely necessary) and he was terrified they’d ask to see or touch where it hurt.

But as he tried desperately to sit up only to fall back in a groan of agony, his gulps of air causing shooting aches, he knew there was nothing for it.

“Help,” he croaked, even the movement of his talking searing his entire torso.

He had to call twice more before Evan’s grumpy-but-concerned face stuck through the curtains. He immediately went pale. “Reg? What- what’s wrong?”

But he was starting to feel faint. He couldn’t escape the pain, and he was starting to feel almost claustrophobic with it. Like he could either breathe and hurt or hurt less and have no oxygen. There was no way out.

His head spun. He tried desperately to stay conscious. He couldn’t let them see. What if they saw?

The last thing he remembered before passing out was Evan yelling for Barty.

--

“You fucking idiot.”

He opened his eyes to sunshine and mumbles and his chest feeling far too exposed and empty, even with the blanket covering him. The bandages were gone. “That’s my line to you,” he sleepily shot back to his brother, blinking, trying to get Sirius’s face into focus.

“Not when you break your own ribs,” Sirius said roughly. Admittedly, Sirius looked like he was the one who should be in the hospital bed. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, and the deep circles under his eyes made him look almost skeletal. His hands, which had wrapped themselves around Regulus’s forearm, all had fingernails that were bitten down raw. He looked distraught. “I gave you that fucking bandage to help you, Regulus. How tight–?”

“It’s not your fault, idiot,” He murmured, looking down. Perhaps he had been keeping the bandage a bit too tight.

“I didn’t know,” Sirius whispered, looking like he was trying to convince both of them of the fact. “I had no idea that- that this could happen.”

Regulus chuckled, ignoring the small twinge in his healed chest. “Same. I suppose Pomfrey is pissed?”

“I convinced her not to owl mother,” Sirius shrugged. He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “You…erm…might have to lay off the bandage for a while. Pomfrey said something about permanent damage to your back. If you….y’know…keep it up as much as you have.”

Remulus blinked, trying and failing to fight against the despair creeping into his brain as the tears formed. “So…so….” he mumbled, unsure about how to put his thoughts into words.

“Maybe…only a few hours a day? Or…a bit looser?” Sirius suggested hesitantly.

Regulus balked, feeling the anger and fear and disgust all bubble within him, his self-control wavering. “And then what, Sirius? How do I explain to Barty and Evan that I’ve suddenly got tits?”

He felt the nausea build within his stomach and he almost choked, picturing for just a moment having to walk around with an unbound chest. Picturing the looks. The reactions. The disgust.

“You…you don’t have…” Sirius argued weakly, looking as if he truly had no idea what to say.

“I do! I do, and there isn’t a thing I can do about it, because our parents will never let me take the potion. So I’m stuck like this until I turn seventeen!” Regulus said loudly, allowing some of his carefully-controlled anger to boil over. “And you tell me, how many people in Hogwarts would honestly be okay rooming with me, knowing that? Who thinks that’s normal?” Sirius sighed, looking helpless.

“You are normal, Reg. There’s nothing about you that’s–that’s bad or wrong.”

“Tell that to our parents,” Regulus spat, turning away from Sirius a bit. “Tell that to my body.”

Sirius inhaled a bit. “Just….just promise me you’ll keep it a bit looser, okay? I can’t…I can’t bear it if something were to happen to you.”

The genuinely terrified look on his face was what broke Regulus from his anger. He deflated, allowing the defensiveness to flow out of him. “Alright,” he murmured, allowing Sirius to pull him into a hug. “That hurts, you prat,” he whispered as Sirius squeezed him tightly.

But when Sirius made to let go, he felt sad, as if he wished his brother hadn’t let go.

--

Regulus stayed in the Hospital overnight that night. Something about 'making sure his blood vessels were okay', or whatever.

His friends visited, and he reassured them that he had been out the night before practicing Quidditch (true) and he must have hurt himself during a particularly crazy dive (false). Barty and Evan seemed to buy it, but Dorcas and Pandora gave him maddeningly disbelieving looks throughout their visit.

It was a different visitor, though, that made him much more nervous.

Remus Lupin entered the Hospital Wing late the second night, definitely after curfew, and certainly after Pomfrey had gone to bed. He made Regulus emit a small yelp of shock when he showed up, as he hadn’t been expecting the taller boy to show up at all, let alone at such an hour.

“It’s just me, sorry,” Remus muttered, as if he often visited Regulus at midnight in the Hospital Wing. “Sorry, it’s just arrived, or I would’ve been sooner,” he continued vaguely, waving a small package around.

Regulus eyed it curiously.

“I….I need to tell you something,” Remus continued, sitting gently on Regulus’s bed. Regulus pulled the covers over his chest more securely, a bit nervous about how close someone else was while he was so….exposed.

“Go on,” he nodded, wondering what was so important that Remus had to sneak into the Hospital in the dead of night. “Has Sirius done something stupid?”

Remus snorted. “No…Sirius wanted to tell you himself, but…” Remus trailed off, and Regulus momentarily worried Sirius had gone and gotten hurt or something, but then Remus met his eyes. “I was there. Last night when they brought you in.”

Regulus felt his heart sink. He’d been so nervous that Barty and Evan would have seen too much when he was brought in. He hadn’t even thought about another student being there already.

“I…I came in at around 4:30…with a migraine,” Remus murmured.

He really did get a lot of migraines, Regulus thought briefly.

“Sirius came with me. So…we were already there. When you came in.” Remus looked a bit awkward as he spoke. As if he wasn’t sure how much to reveal. “They made your friends wait outside. But Sirius refused. And I was…well, I couldn’t leave.” He looked apologetic, now. “They….they healed you. And then…Sirius got very upset, and…well, you should know he did everything possible to protect you. He argued with Pomfrey and Slughorn for a good ten minutes about contacting your parents. He won, in the end. Well, you know how stubborn he is.” Remus shrugged a bit awkwardly.

Regulus waited quietly for the other shoe to drop. He had a sinking feeling, from how Remus was speaking and acting, that there was more to it.

“You should know, Regulus…I’d already guessed. Before last night,” Remus finally sighed, meeting Regulus’s gaze.

His heart sank. He’d guessed? He’d known?

“How?” he whispered. If Sirius had told, he would…he didn’t know how…

“Sirius talked about you, in our first year,” Remus shrugged. “He mentioned…well, he mentioned a sister.”

Both Remus and Regulus winced at that.

“And then he came back from Christmas and he insisted that he’d only ever had a brother. I’m guessing that’s when you…?” Remus asked gently, raising his eyebrows a bit.

Regulus nodded.

“Yeah, so…I tried to ask, but he didn’t seem to be willing to talk about it and…dunno, it’s not my business, is it? So I figured I'd let it go,” Remus shrugged. As if it was the simplest assumption in the world. That it wasn’t his business, so he should just let it be.

Regulus was again overwhelmed by the feeling of thankfulness for Remus Lupin. He was so unassuming…so kind. He’d known (or guessed) for years and had said nothing. Because he’d guessed, rightfully, that Regulus would be uncomfortable with it.

“But it’s my business now, Regulus, because Sirius is going a bit spare,” Remus said a bit louder, looking stressed. “He said…I mean, feel free to tell me to fuck off, but…he said you’re using a bandage for your…?” he used his hand to gesture to his own chest.

Regulus nodded, looking down. “There’s a potion,” he found himself volunteering, strangely comfortable talking about it with Remus. “But I can’t take it. Mother and Father…they’d probably rather I was dead,” he chuckled humorlessly. “Barty and Evan don’t know and….I don’t…they can’t. So this is what I have.”

Remus studied him for a moment, then handed him a package. “You know there are people like you in the Muggle world too, right? My mum’s Muggle, so I was raised in both.”

He shrugged. He’d never really thought about it. “I guess…sure.”

“Well…what do you think they do? Surely they can’t take a potion,” Remus said patiently, like a Professor trying to talk a student through a difficult question.

“They cry?” Regulus volunteered, snorting at his own humor.

Remus smiled a bit. “Well, probably. But also, they have other options.”

“Like?” Regulus asked, feeling a strange bubble of hope in his chest.

“Well, some of them take medicine. It’s like potions for Muggles,” Remus shrugged. “Some of them just….cut things off.”

“What?” Regulus yelped loudly.

They both realized his mistake and whipped their heads around to Pomfrey’s door, but they heard no stirring.

“You’re fucking with me, surely,” he mumbled a bit quieter. How on Earth did Muggles actually survive without accidentally killing themselves?

“Nah,” Remus grinned. “I have a….cousin, I think? She told me about it.”

Regulus gaped for a minute before looking down at the package. “So, what’s in here? A knife? Gonna help me chop off my–”

Remus scoffed. “Sirius would kill me. Plus, Muggles have professionals that do that. No, she also told me about those,” he said, gesturing to the package. “I wrote her for one this morning. Said it was for a friend.” He shrugged.

Even more confused, Regulus ripped open the package to find–

“Is this a fucking bra?” he asked, barely controlling his embarrassment and anger. He almost threw the offending garment across the room in disgust.

“What? No!” Remus said, shaking his head vehemently.

It…looked like a strange mix of a tank top and a sports bra. But, it was missing some of the things Regulus remembered from seeing his mother’s bras. There were no cups, no small hooks, no lace or femininity. Instead, there was just a zipper on each side. And it was…less stretchy? The material had give, but it was a firmer stretch. Like it wasn’t meant to give much leeway.

“It’s a binder,” Remus shrugged. “Muggles use them. They kind of….” he gestured to his own chest again, “suck it all in.”

Regulus stared at the fabric for a few moments. “There are things that are meant for that?” he asked, though it was more out of wonder. Clearly, there were.

“Yeah, so…this is better than what you were using before because it’s meant for that purpose. And these zippers here,” Remus pointed at the two zippers on each side, “loosen it when you need a break. So you don’t end up back here.”

Regulus laughed, half-shocked and half-ecstatic. “Why did you do this for me?”

Remus gave him a weird look again. “Well….first, Sirius has been driving himself crazy. All he wants to do is to help you. To make sure you’re happy. And safe.”

Regulus felt a pang of guilt at that.

“But also….” Remus continued, looking emotional, himself, now. “I…secrets….secrets are hard. And I can…I can…well, I can imagine what it might feel like. To have a secret that you’re so…so scared about people finding out. But it’s…it’s a part of you, and you can’t change it.”

He looked so genuine. So empathetic. So understanding. Regulus swallowed thickly, trying not to let any tears fall.

Remus sighed, “It’s hard, erm, I imagine…when you have a secret like that. And if you can find something that helps…people who support you…I would think that would make it…so much easier. Right?”

There was emotion there. Raw and real, and Regulus had a feeling Remus had his own experiences with secrets. But he was so thankful to have Remus accept him and help him with his own that he decided not to push. For now.

--

Guys I can't with this chapter. Remus is just so amazing and we love him. Read the full WIP or leave comments or kudos here!

#marauders #harry potter #marauders era #fanfic #sirius black kinnie #harry potter marauders #marauders fandom #regulus black kinnie #jegulus #marauders fanfiction #marauders fic #the marauders #sirius orion black #sirius being sirius #sirius black #remus loves sirius #remus lupin #sirius is a good brother #sirius and regulus #remus being remus #remus john lupin #incorrect marauders era #remus and regulus #regulus black #regulus arcturus black #regulus deserved better #trans reggie #trans regulus my beloved #trans regulus #remus lupin my beloved

[loveyourlovelysoul]

The impostor syndrome. Everyone of us, or almost, has been there.

We feel undeserving; inferior to others; not smart enough; we minimize our speech, knowledge and abilities; we feel uncomfortable when we get compliments; we set unattainable self-imposed standards of achievement and try to be perfect. All this can be also caused by having had overprotective caregivers, being/feeling different (racial identity or even just clothes/style), anxiety, depression, emotionally unstable household in our upbringing (having us develop low self esteem, prefectionism, self monitoring).

All in all, we feel guilty cause we had (or not) the chance to get an higher education, we are having it better than our friends (or anyone really), we're not meeting/living up to our family expectations (they may refer to us with names as the smart one, the talented one, the responsible one... making us feel pressured). It all often only takes us to having anxiety and feeling frustrated for not seeing results. But it's our guilt blocking us and sabotaging us, making us feel like we're a fraud.

Even if we succeeded, we may feel it has been out of luck (no matter if we stayed up for nights and worked ourselves off): in our mind others (would) have done a better job cause our was actually terrible (we don't trust others' judgment on us/our work: lacking our internal self confidence and validation, we don't believe others' words, we think they're just being nice with us, which is not really the case). This way, our anxiety, insecurities, fear of failing and being judged/left out, and feelings of being discovered as a fraud keep coming in.

This is actually not true: we're just not being objective about all we are, all we do and know, all that we can still learn to do, all of our efforts and past successes. It ofc can be, as said, because of the way we were raised (not feeling worthy, always feeling like we were doing the wrong thing, needing to constantly prove your self worth to get praised, being surrounded by liars, unsafe and/or overprotective household...). But we need to try and see things from another perspective too: which is we are worthy and we deserve to at least try to get what we want. It seems that working on the impostor syndrome with other people, can be of help: we are all in the same situation, and being open about our fears and feelings can be kinda healing to all the ones involved. What is useful is also learning the habit to remove self doubt before any important event or before trying anything we want to: think about what can go right instead of wrong.

#words #healing #positivity #self love #important #positive thinking #healingjourney #thoughts #love yourself #self healing #impostor syndrome #self care #self discovery #self improvement #self growth #self worth #mental health #recovery #reminders #guilt #emotional growth #emotions #caregivers #family issues #family trauma #childhood trauma #tw child trauma #tw childhood trauma #spilled words #spilled journal

[loveanaox]

TxT Personality Off Camera

(If anyone has any request lemme knowww, cause I'm out of ideas🥲)

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Soobin

Cards pulled out: queen of wands, the empress, seven of cups and the fool

So even off camera he is helpful, he helps others, he's confident organizing a lot, a little hot tempered at times, but still quiet, not shy quiet more like confident and still quiet, he watches what to say and not to say. Ja and he does a lot off camera, accomplishing his stuff ect ect.

Ja very nurturing, creative, harmonious.

I think he has a lot of options and shit bit off camera even though he does a lot he procrastinates a lot and a little lazy, tbh I don't blame him, he takes on so many responsibilities he should give himself a break. He also is a little careless off camera, not in a bad way, but super sweet, calm and innocent energy, chill innocent energy

But overall he seems the same just a little more relaxed and chilling.

Love him.

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Yeonjun

Cards pulled out: ace of wands, seven of pentacles, eight of swords and the fool card

Okay so tbh I feel like off camera he still is spontaneous and has his creative spark and likes a challenge, but then he stops himself and really thinks about it and is like, "is this a good idea?" He doubts himself a lot, he feels trapped a lot too. I'm guessing mostly because he's an idol and if he's caught outside doing normal things he might get into trouble. But in general off camera his doubts and fears come to him, shame mann🥺. But off camera he still is careless like Soobin, cuteee.

Anyways yarrr

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Beomgyu

Cards pulled out: ace of swords reversed, four of pentacles, eight of cups reversed, seven of wands, two of swords reversed.

Okay damn beomgyu-

So uh, he gets into a lot of arguments off camera maybe with members, he gets frustrated a lot, he also gets his creative side blocked away, he has a lack of emotional maturity and he's very stingy, he holds onto people, things, money, ect ect.

He has a fear of commitment and a fear of moving on. I don't know why though, probably because of the past. Very ja hot headed but also detached at the same time and cold.

Very indecisive and lots of anxiety and fears that get to him. But he's holding onto it, he doesn't want to move away from it. But he still stands up for himself and his beliefs, very like controlling on a way.

Damn okay he has issues, but ay we have to have hope it will get better.

.

.

.

.

.

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Taehyun

Cards pulled out: nine of pentacles, knight of cups reversed, ace of cups and the devil.

Oh damn.

So Taehyun is still independent off camera and whatever whatever, but he's a heartbreaker-, I think he has a lot of one night stands off camera. I think he tricks people tbh, like "hey you're cute I wanna date", but onky gets in bed with them. That's sad lmao.

He has a lot of issues with addictions maybe obsession on something. Him and Beomgyu seem a little similar ngl. Anyways he gives me a little bit of sad, drunk, dad vibes. A little violent ngl. Abusive in idk what way but ja. Thats just sad. Really sad. Idk

Damn.

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Huening Kai

Cards pulled out:page of pentacles reversed, ten of cups reversed, knight of swords and four of cups.

Okay so his head isn't in the head place. He's a little foolish and rebellious in some type of way idk what way. He doesn't take advantage of good opportunities given to him. A little irresponsible. He's having a lot of family issues he's keeping a secret. He acts talkative and shit. Still rebellious and curious but not.

But he's not okay, he's depressed, but ja, that's sad. Idk probs cause of family issues and that he isn't looking at a situation in all types of ways and not his negative way. But ja shame man.

Aye his head really isn't in the right space and he's also trynna be a perfectionist

Damn these are depressing.

.

.

Hope you all enjoyed reading those, I didn't 🥲😭. Anyways byeeeee

#kpop #pick a picture #pick a pile #txt tarot #tarot community #enhypen tarot #moa #fandom #tarot #personality #kpop industry

[bella-goths-wife]

Which reader has it worse? (Worst to best)

1. Yandere cullens reader

Reader is emotionally, verbally and most of the time physically abused

They would have to deal with being treated like a child for hundreds of years all while everyone imposes their fantasy of what they have to be

She has to be Rosalie’s sweet girl

She has to be Edwards therapist

She has to be Alice’s doll

She had to be jaspers constant gratification

She has to be Esme’s mommas girl

She has to be Carlisle’s daddy’s girl

She has to be Emmett’s cute little sis

She has to be bellas only friend who gives good advice and lends an ear

Reader can’t even have the privacy of hating them in their mind because Edward is constantly going through their thoughts

They have to be all these things all the time without a mental rest and also balancing their power

If they put one foot over line Carlisle has them kicking and screaming from punishment

Is it any wonder they try to escape all the time?

2. Lost boys daughter

Readers early life will be good most of the time

Apart from the occasional outburst from David and the constant abandonment from Paul reader would grow up with the thought of a decent childhood because of Dwayne, marko, max and star

It all comes crumbling down when reader becomes a teenager

The boys can’t handle you growing a personality outside of them, they wish they could mould you with the qualities they wish to enforce on you

They will constantly abuse you, most of the time mentally and verbally but occasionally physically

They cause reader to go into constant depressive episodes and only take interest in them when it’s convenient for them

Once reader grows up to be a person with desires and goal outside of them, they grow colder and more strict

They heard readers calls for help and thought that it was for attention

Not to mention the punishment room that reader never really recovered from

The boys would rather have you be dead than away from them

So all in all, much better than the cullens but much worse than the rest

3. Yandere Micheal Myers daughter

Michael genuinely cares for reader in his own way

While yes, he may view them slightly as a pet, he still cares about them

He makes himself more available for them

Michael stayed in the mental institution for so long because it meant that he could have you in their younger years

He loves reader more than most things in his life, accept for killing

That means that when he does break out and track you down when your old enough to take care of yourself, he’ll leave you for weeks to get his bloodlust out

He does this so you don’t see him being aggressive because sometimes he gets concerned that he may accidentally hurt you

What puts Michael so low on this list is the lack of physical or verbal abuse

He refuses to lay a single finger on you

You two have a fight? He does to kill to get the anger out

The only times he ever came off as aggressive is the times you’ve asked to leave and he’s broken things around him in frustration

He may use his size to block exits or to intimidate but he will not hurt you

He’s gone for weeks on end so if you want to leave what’s realistically stopping you?

There’s no locks on the doors or windows, your allowed a phone, you can go out, food is delivered to your door every week

You could leave at any moment and yes Michael may find you but he won’t hurt you or take you back

He’ll just watch to make sure your safe and kill people he sees as a bad influence

He just wants to make sure your safe

The only reason he isn’t the best is because he will not accept you growing up and he killed your family

4. Cullen reader with volturi

Once cullen reader has escaped the cullens, they would take anything

If we follow the plot we know that most if not all of the volturi are yandere

Yet they don’t use this to excuse cruel actions towards you

They give you options and let you grow into a person

The volturi kings even offer and provide mates for you while the cullens killed anyone who you could even consider an friend

They would respect your diet, accommodate your powers and provide you with outings and experiences

They can be cruel and controlling but compared to the cullens they are a cake walk

Your given everything you could ever want and unimaginable power that you can wield

You have vampire royalty wrapped around your finger

They would defend you with their lives and give you everything on a silver platter

All they ask In return is your eternal loyalty and love

#slashers x reader #lost boys x reader #lost boys x child reader #platonic lost boys x reader #yandere lost boys x reader #poly lost boys x reader #yandere lost boys #dad lost boys #the lost boys #lost boy x reader #yandere twilight x reader #emmet cullen x reader #carlisle cullen x reader #the cullens x reader #esme cullen x reader #alice cullen x reader #bella cullen #carlisle cullen #yandere cullens x reader #rosalie cullen x reader #edward cullen x reader #yandere Edward Cullen x reader #yandere rosalie hale x reader #yandere michael myers #dad michael myers #yandere volturi x reader #volturi x reader #yandere aro x reader #yandere caius x reader #yandere marcus x reader

[astranite]

Still Here Hanging On

Having a pretty mleh day so I wrote this because it's what I needed to and maybe its what someone else needs to read too.

Some hurt/comfort and Scott being there for Virgil and hugs, because would it really be Astra fic without hugs.

I think Earth and Sky might actually be my favourite to write.

Warning for depression, but it doesn't go too dark.

------

The overcast sky made the world flat and dull. The clouds pulled the life and light out of it, as if a tube of grey paint had been mixed with the usually bright palette, dampening the colours.

Virgil breathed out heavily, resting his elbows on his knees. Grey was about the colour of his mood right now. 

Nothing was wrong, per se. Just the usual: exhaustion from rescues, he hadn't slept right the last few nights, his knees ached because he managed to fuck up a landing jumping from a low wall in his exosuit and twisted his left enough that it hurt when he put weight through it weird, in addition to the other which was just messed up normally. 

He’d had a good day though. Or at least he should have. He enjoyed spending time with Gordon and Alan, and he’d finally had a chance to work on Two’s extra maintenance upgrades which he’d been looking forward to for a while. Not that he got much done anyway. 

Was just one of those days. He was in a low mood and it sucked, and it would pass, he knew that, but in the middle of it that never seemed like it could happen.

Little things got to him more. He’d tried to practise some of his new piece at the piano, but nothing seemed to work. The timings were off and his fingers wouldn't cooperate, and he stuffed up every second note in discordant clashes, even of the parts he did know. Then he discovered he’d somehow been doing it in the wrong key all along. 

He gave up when he was worse than he’d started with. For the time being, not entirely. It was an off day and he wasn't feeling it and he knew he was allowed to have bad days. But dragging himself out of them, out of his spiralling thoughts, over and over was exhausting, in a bone-deep, mind numbing way. 

Virgil hated it. 

It was better than the gaping, desolate hole that had been an open wound in the centre of his chest years ago.

But it was awful when echos of that feeling, that lack of feeling still hit him. 

He scuffed his foot across the pool deck concrete, then winced as his knee clicked. He slammed his fist into his thigh in frustration, then took a deep breath and rubbed at the spot. 

The sky was still grey when he stared up at it until his eyes blurred. Not even Gordon was out here. He was inside playing video games with Alan and Kayo, but Virgil had wandered off. 

Ending up on one of the steps where they went down to the pool beat sitting in his room, drowning in it. And some sunlight and fresh air might make him feel a bit better, or at least he could be miserable just as well outside as inside. 

He heard scuffing footsteps behind him and didn't have to turn to recognise them. Scott, carefully making his steps loud enough he wouldn’t scare Virgil by sneaking up on him.

Virgil didn't react, except to slump further. He didn't have it in him to pull up the smile, the facade of okay, of fine, and he didn't need to with Scott anyway.

Scott sat down next to him and bumped their shoulders together. Virgil leant into the contact, keeping his gaze firmly fixed on the ocean horizon.

“Hey, you doing okay?” Scott asked. 

Virgil swallowed. Scott was always there for him, no questions asked. Through the highs and lows, no matter if it was a bad rescue or nerves before a gallery exhibit. Virgil could let Scott see him as not steadfast and steady, when the cracks were becoming too much to bear. He’d be there through all of his doubts and insecurities.

Tears stung as they welled up in his eyes. Virgil turned and wrapped his arms around Scott, burying his face in his chest. 

Scott hugged him tight. He rubbed a hand over Virgil’s back as his shoulders shook. 

The tears didn't last long. They never did when he was like this. The numb, awful feeling slammed back into him and he couldn't even cry it out and he was just clinging to Scott. 

Virgil made a quiet noise that wasn't a sob because he wasn't crying, but was just as miserable, tugged out of his throat with jagged edges. 

Scott held him closer.

He was barely hanging on, everything was pulling him under, and he just had to keep fighting and fighting because he had no other choice. He just wanted a fucking break but that wasn't going to happen. Because it was his own head that was doing this to him and he couldn't escape that.

It was exhausting. And lonely and miserable.

Where he still had days where he felt helpless and useless and grey. Where nothing could cheer him up and he couldn't always pull himself out of it. He doubted his skills and abilities, as Two’s pilot, as an artist and musician. As a brother. 

Where he just wasn't enough.

But Scott still held him. Where he couldn't be strong enough on his own, he could lean against Scott. 

Because Scott believed in him, always and unflinchingly, not out of the hero worship of Alan and sometimes even Gordon did, but in Virgil, in his skills and his self. In what he could do with all their tech at his disposal, in what he could do without his gear or backup. But ultimately, Scott believed in who he was. Scott buillt him up, he had his back and absolutely trusted in him.

His big brother loved him. Whether he was triumphant or struggling. Just as much when he was drowning under the weight of everything as when he was on top of the world. All his family did, unconditionally, with no strings attached. They cared about him. 

Scott’s fingers carded gently through his hair. Virgil shuffled so he could tuck his head into the crook of Scott’s shoulder and just rest there for a while. He could feel each deep breath Scott took as his chest expanded against Virgil’s own. 

Virgil hands were wound in Scott’s hoodie, the navy one with paint splatters from an incident involving a falling canvas, that they all borrowed from time to time. The ocean waves met the shore with their comforting shushing sounds, and the clouds were over the sun blocking it out, and Virgil still felt greyed out but he could keeping hanging on. 

He pulled back to press his forehead to Scott’s and closed his eyes.

“I’m— I’m not doing okay,” he said, “But I’m hanging in here.” 

“Alright. I’m here for you,” Scott replied. 

Virgil opened his eyes to blue ones crinkled at the edges and Scott’s soft smile. 

“You always catch me when I need it, and I’ve got you when you do,” Scott added. 

Then, “Virge?”

Virgil hummed, not letting go for a second.

“I love you.” 

“Love you too, Scotty.” Virgil leant into their hug. 

It wasn't all better. This wasn't something even all of Scott’s determination and his own stubborn could fix. But Virgil wasn't alone when the skies lost their colour and music its melody, when everything ached and his body weighed him down.

His family were here for him, Scott believed in him and he could keep hanging on.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds fanfiction #virgil tracy #scott tracy #astrawrite

[writingrenna]

"Learn to Love" (Pt. 1)

Jacq x GN!Reader

You finally catch the Capsakid that likes to bully you, but he doesn't listen, so you go to the world-renowned Jacq for some advice.

Also, you're also a shy nerd that draws in your free time so THIS IS THE FIRST FANFIC WITH ART ACCOMPANYING IT BAYBEEEEE--

If the lore seems fake, it's because it sorta is, but it's based on actual lore, if that makes sense?? I'm pretending the games aren't games basically, I'd S C R E A M if someone said my dog was on "Level 5", lmao

Tone/Ending: Frustrating, Hopeful

Warnings (for the whole fic): It's implied Capsakid directly attacked you before this, then he bullies you for a while, causing you to get frustrated by him and your lack of progress for a bit. You also risk your life and get really depressed at one point. You cry during the first half-ish, a bit more than intended

Word Count: 5,000-ish?

_\V/_

You're running down the hallway, hands behind your back, not caring about the eyes on you as you do so. You had an important question to ask the resident biology teacher about a little... situation of yours. It was the first day of summer classes, which you had enrolled in at basically the very last second in a desperate bid to solve your problem.

You make it to the door, classroom 1-A. You don't even bother knocking, striding right into your homeroom class 45 minutes early so you'd have a better chance at talking one-on-one.

"Mr. Jacq!"

The man chokes on his coffee, having been startled by your abrupt entrance.

"Eh-" he coughs, putting the coffee mug down and hitting his chest. You give him a moment, adrenaline flushing out your body as his reaction grounds you.

"...sorry..." you say rather meekly.

He makes a flapping gesture with his hand to dissuade you.

"Nono, not to worry, I-"

He clears his throat one last time.

"...just..." He coughs, getting the last bit of spluttering out of his system. "...wasn't expecting anyone yet..."

He sits up, looking at you.

"You are..." He squints and says the first name on his mind, and you nod, confirming it. He seems relieved to have remembered your name and face from orientation.

"So! How may I assist you this fine morning?"

You're suddenly nervous for some reason. You almost forgot why you came in with such a fiery passion, but then-

"Oh, right! I caught my first ever Pokémon two months ago. Problem is-- it's kind of a jerk."

He snorts.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah! Look at this thing!"

You pull your arm from behind your back before he could really respond, showing him a Capsakid silently staring out into space. At first, neither of you say a word, but after a few moments, Jacq gets curious.

"Wh-why is it like this? Did something happen?"

"No? It's just been like this lately. I don't know if this is better or worse than what it was like before, though."

He looks up at you.

"What was it like before?"

You grumble, remembering the start of your rivalry.

"Well, before, whenever I left the city to go towards Porto Marinada, it'd run up and attack me! Now, it doesn't really attack me anymore, it just doesn't listen..."

Jacq nods, looking the little bud directly in the eyes. Capsakid seemed to be staring right through him as if in deep thought, not making a peep. It takes him a moment, but he realizes something.

"Wait, you caught it near Cascarrafa, right? In the Asado Desert?"

"Yeah?"

"Aaand this is your very first Pokémon, right?"

"...yeah?"

He looks away from you, unsure of how to say this.

"Well, uh..."

He looks up to meet your eyes.

"...I... I don't think it respects you yet."

"WHAT!?" You reel back, Capsakid still in-hand.

He winces.

"I'm sorry. You need to get a bit more experienced first, maybe train up a weaker Pokémon or two so it can watch you get better? Pokémon in that area are fairly strong, they need the right kind of trainer to tame them. It'll be harder for beginners to get through to them."

He waits for your response. You haven't made a move yet, still holding Capsakid, who looks to be falling asleep. You grunt, shaking your head a bit before finally saying something.

"Ugh, fine.

He smiles. Meekly, but he still smiles.

"Great! I'm rooting for you, I hope to see you two getting along this semester..."

You nod, defeated, walking out of class, Capsakid still in-hand.

_\V/_

It was lunch time. You made your way outside, placing the Capsakid down in the grass, where it immediately started running around. You were sitting in the shade so it could refuel in the sunshine as you ate. You pull out an apple slice.

"Hey, Kid!"

The Capsakid continues to spin around, as if it didn't hear you. You know it did, however, as it quite obviously smirked when it noticed you. You grumble.

"Hey, your loss!"

It continues to bask in the sun as you angrily munch on your sandwich, glaring at it.

You don't notice the pair of eyes on you.

"Hello, hello, there!"

You turn to the man, who looked to feel bad about your predicament.

"Hm?"

He walks over to you, looking at Capsakid.

"Looks like it's enjoying itself..." he comments absent-mindedly.

You nod.

"I guess so..."

He looks down at you, then back up at Capsakid.

"Hey, if you want to feed it, do this."

He gets a Poké Block out of a little container in his pocket before holding it up.

"Hey, Capsakid!"

It stops, turning toward him.

"This is for you, eat it when you want to, okay?"

He places it a little ways away from you on a napkin. Capsakid watches his every move before looking up at him... and then going right back to running around.

"See??"

"Nono, that was the point. It'll come to you when it's ready, and it will most likely keep its distance. Buuut, it'll still eat if it's hungry, and probably even appreciate you letting it have its space."

You look at Jacq, before looking over at Capsakid, who doesn't look to be done quite yet. You decide to trust his word, though.

"...okay..."

He grins.

"There ya go, patience is key here. I know you'll do great."

You can't help but doubt him, but you take what he says to heart.

_\V/_

Classes were over, and you were at the library. Capsakid was watching you read a book on Pokémon obedience. Sighing, you look over to it, and it looks at you... and smirks. You grumble.

"Yeah, I don't think this book will work for you, you're a strange one for sure..."

It just giggles at you. It was melodic, even vaguely familiar, but you were too preoccupied by its audacity to think about it. You snap the book closed, causing it to jump a little.

"A'ight! I think it's about time we head to our dorms."

You get up, making your way over to the shelf you got the book from. Capsakid watches you again as you struggle to push the row of books back to slide it in. You grunt, but you manage, sighing and turning to the juvenile (and you do mean juvenile) spicy pepper.

"Ya ready?"

It blinks, not giving an answer. You simply walk over and grab him, but not before thinking of something.

"...y'know, the school store might have something that can help us."

Capsakid tilts its head as you commit to this little change of course.

_\V/_

"MR. JAAAAACQ!!"

You run into the biology room, catching him off-guard as he was studying the terrarium he kept at the back of the classroom.

"Wha-"

"It's doing it again!"

You hold Capsakid out to him, who was staring out into space like that first morning before classes started. Jacq looks at it.

"...uh-huh... what did you do right before this started?"

"I-I dunno! We were watching a movie in my dorm, and it wasn't paying attention because it was eating a snack! I thou-"

"A snack," he mumbles to himself. You pause your explanation, looking at him. He continues, turning to you.

"What was it?"

"A Poké Bean?"

His eyes light up.

"OHHHHH! That explains it."

"Huh?" You don't know what he means.

"You gave it a bean, those usually endear people to Pokémon because they start to associate you with the good feelings they get while eating them. But with you, it feels conflicted, since it still doesn't respect you..."

You take in his answer... and it makes sense.

"Oh. So he just feels neutral instead of actually liking me more."

"Correct."

He looks at your defeated expression and solemnly smiles.

"I take it Capsakid ate a bean before you came in on the first day, too?"

You nod once. He huffs a little. Capsakid is just lazily relaxing in your hands, so he decides to do a little test.

"Hold it up to your face?"

"Eh? Okay..."

You do as you're told, holding Capsakid up and turning it around to look at your face. Jacq walks behind you to see it staring directly into your eyes, neutrality evident.

"Ah, yeah, see? It needs consistency. It wants to listen, it knows you're trying, but you don't have a commanding enough presence yet. It can tell you're unsure of yourself, but it still sees you, see?"

"It... sees me?" You move it to the side a little. It turns its head to keep staring at you, eyes widening a little. You aren't sure what this means.

"What do you mean?"

"Heh, it's easier to notice as you get to know it, but it sees who you are, and it wants to trust you enough to let you command it, but it needs to see that you know what you're dealing with."

You nod. You think you get it. Just get strong and keep being nice. You can do this, even though you've never trained a Pokémon before. You didn't even really help in training your mom's Dachsbun when you were growing up, but you'll still try.

You nod.

"Okay, I'll do my best."

He beams at you.

"Nice! I'm glad you're sticking by its side, even if it's a little f-frustrating..."

You nod at this, idly staring at the Pokémon in your hands. Guess this is it, no turning back now, lest you end up enrolled for absolutely no reason.

_\V/_

It's the end of Jacq's class. He had asked you to stay behind for a little bit, so here you were, poking Capsakid with the eraser side of your pencil to keep it from tearing your notes out. Jacq comes over, pulling a stool up on the other side of the table to study it.

"So, how have things been going?"

"Bad." Is all you say, keeping your eye on your little troublemaker.

He hums in response, looking at it too. He shoots it a stern yet gentle glare, so it plops down on the table, looking out at the posters near the door to seem occupied.

"Well, it's obvious it still causes mischief, but perhaps it's just in its nature," he adds while getting a good look at it. Getting a better, calm look is making him notice things about Capsakid he didn't before, but he can't be sure without a more thorough analysis.

Capsakid grunts, or at least, you think it does, as Jacq gently puts a finger on its head to see how it reacts. It's still able to move, so it turns its head to get a look at him, a surprised expression on its face. It intimidates you, seeing Jacq so effortlessly calm it down just by being there. Perhaps Capsakid can sense his strength? His ability to tame?

You hum, deep in thought, looking down at the table. You needed a game-plan, because it's quite obvious it won't trust your abilities more in any way but to show it how commanding you can be.

After a bit of silence (which you thankfully don't notice), you sit up.

"Jacq?"

You notice him quickly looking down when you bring your attention back to him, Capsakid looking at him curiously.

"Yes?"

"I think... I'm gonna go out for a few days, catch a weak Pokémon and start from the beginning. Have it watch me, even."

He nods, keeping his eyes trained on the tiny pepper.

"Sounds like a plan. Maybe this is the thing it needs to trust you."

You huff a little and simply say "Hopefully..."

_\V/_

"CAPSAKID, USE HEADBUTT!"

The little green baby, bless its heart, actually listened... until it decided to run away from the Pawmi about halfway there.

"WHAT THE-"

Capsakid runs before unceremoniously falling on its face. You stare for a second, not sure if you should go over and help when it sits its head up.

"...you good?"

It stands up on its own before running toward you. You don't move, watching it to see what it does. It just looks up at you.

"...um..."

The Pawmi isn't quite sure what to make of the situation, looking over at the little group of Pawmi she was once apart of before quickly turning back towards you two, still on-edge.

You grunt.

"Ok, use Headbutt!"

The Capsakid aims for Pawmi... before using Bullet Seed, the same attack it used on you whenever you entered the desert back home. Pawmi actually takes quite a thrashing, but it holds it together, shaking off the move and avoiding the next onslaught the best is can despite being fairly inexperienced. You take this moment of weakness as your chance to catch it, throwing the Pokéball at the creature and watching it shake... shake... shake... until...

She escapes?

"Oh no!"

Pawmi lets out a mighty cry before running over, using Thunder Shock on your partner. Capsakid tanks the hit with ease despite being quite a bit smaller than it... actually, why is it so small? They're usually about the same height...

You make a mental note to ask Jacq about that later.

"Capsakid, use..."

You get an idea.

"...Zen Headbutt?"

Capsakid perks up in recognition before simply swaying a little, closing its eyes and yawning.

Right, it seems to know Zen Headbutt. You had read somewhere that the Capsakid that live around the area you met may know that one.

You grunt, readying a Pokéball.

"Capsakid, use... um..."

Your hesitation makes Capsakid emit that same melodic little giggle. A villain in the making, really. You growl, trembling, looking up to yell out into the sky before turning your attention to Capsakid. Your shadow looms over the creature, words forceful and eyes showing a fury it hadn't seen before.

"CAPSAKID, USE BULLET SEED!"

It flinches instead, which causes you loosen your stance as the Pawmi uses this opportunity to Scratch it, quite badly, actually. You jump back, yelping in surprise and worry, but it shakes it off and throws a quick yet intense Bullet Seed her way, which seems to do the trick. You throw the Pokéball, and finally, you catch your second Pokémon.

"All right! Now we're moving!"

Capsakid turns around, staring up at you.

"Hey, you did great, Kid! C'mon, let's go back. It's getting dark, and you need a recharge."

You recall it before running to a Poké Center to heal your team members.

_\V/_

You run back to the academy, excited to settle in and start your new life tomorrow, a life with a new friend, and a life where Capsakid might actually listen to you.

You knock on Jacq's door, where you know he'll be lingering, probably with a coffee and a stack of papers. And you're right! He answers, a puzzled look on his face when he realizes you look like you just ran a marathon.

"Eh? You all right, there?"

"I went-" *Huff* "-to the place-" *Huff* "-down there, w-with th-" *Huff* "-the people-!"

He furrows an eyebrow, unsure of what you're trying to convey there as you continue to steady your breathing.

"I... see?"

You take a deep breath before perking up, breathing still a little haggard.

"Yeah! Here's my new Pokémon, Mimi!"

You let Pawmi out of its Pokéball, emitting a squeal as she materializes. She then looks around, eyes full of awe and wonder as she studies her surroundings. Jacq can't help but smile.

"Oh, great job! How'd catching it go?"

"Well, I uh... eventually Cap... kinda listened?"

He has a face that betrays the fact that he's a bit skeptical, but he's a professional, and he's there to listen and figure out what happened.

"Tell me, what do you mean by, uh, 'kinda'?"

You start to remember the fight, how it almost listened when you commanded it to use Headbutt, which it seems to have stopped using in favor of perfecting its slightly stronger alternative. How it didn't use the move you called out until...

...until...

Your eyes widen momentarily as you get a sinking feeling of guilt in your stomach. You were aggressive. It flinched. You didn't want it to be trained or raised fearing you, no matter how bad it can be. You just wanted to get along and grow closer.

Jacq notices the pained look on your face as it drastically falls. He puts a hand on your shoulder.

"It's okay, tell me what happened, I'll understand."

Your voice trembles a little.

"I-I-" you take a deep breath in through your nose, tears forming in the corners of your eyes. Jacq goes from worried to mildly panicked, leaning in a little more.

"...I yelled... at it, I-"

You take in a few rapid breaths, guilt clawing at you with no end in sight. Jacq clears his throat a little before guiding you towards a chair in front of Pawmi, who was now sitting on a desk, looking rather excited for its new life amongst these weird lights.

Jacq kneels in front of you as you continue to try and hold back your tears, one arm hovering in front of your face.

"Okay, okay, it happens, even experienced trainers slip up sometimes, don't feel too bad..."

But it's too late. You shudder as the tears fall, a pitiful noise escaping your lips as you curl in on yourself a little.

"Bu-but, it's just a- a little guy-y-"

Jacq gently places a finger under your chin, lifting your head up as you sniffle and babble to yourself, staring off to the side and recalling how Capsakid flinched under you, which elicits a whimper. He's lost in the moment, not thinking about how bad this would look, even if you are an adult student. He just stares, your eyes now squeezed shut as you get sucked into your sorrow. It takes him a few moments for him to even remember where you two are, and when he does, the rest of the situation comes crashing back down on him. His eyes go wide and he reverts back to instructor mode.

"Okay, stay here."

He stands up and walks over to his desk, which is when you take the opportunity to turn and sob into the one in front of you. This catches Pawmi off-guard, who worriedly pats you on the head and squeaks, bending down to try and catch a glimpse of your face. He returns with what you assume are tissues. He pulls your arm a little so your body is facing his again, before kneeling like before, taking your hands in his and placing some on top of your hands.

"Remember this moment..." he begins, eyes closed and thumbs gently rubbing your hands over the tissues. "Remember, that you're trying, and sometimes you make mistakes. That the road is winding, and confusing, and sometimes, a path that brings you closer to the finish line might end up being a dead-end..."

You sniffle, finally cracking your eyes open and looking at the bunch of tissues.

"...but you're still trying, and improving despite it all, because for whatever reason deep in your heart, this is all worth the effort, the effort of even trying. What happens next is not the goal, this step right here is..."

And then it hits you. Why... are you trying? It's not like you HAD to keep Capsakid, you didn't need to dedicate your life to a troublemaker that got some sick joy out of tormenting you, watching you hesitate to leave the city and cackling with glee. You could've given it away, let it loose far away from you, kept it under your bed, even registered yourself a storage box using a PC and put it there until the end of time...

But for some reason, this made your stomach churn and left a bitter taste in your mouth. You even winced at this realization, face twisting into one of mild discomfort for even thinking it.

Capsakid, for whatever reason, didn't fight back when you caught it. You didn't even HAVE to fight it. You borrowed a Larvesta from a local rental service to accompany you to the pier, but you didn't need to use it, awkwardly hesitating to call out a move before deciding not to fight it at all, throwing the Pokéball and tempting fate.

And it worked. You assumed the wide-eyes it had as you threw it were of surprise, but now, your mind is saying something else was there as well. It almost immediately took to destroying your place, causing mayhem for you, and overall being a little menace.

But it stayed, for whatever reason. And you wanted to understand it, for yet another unknown reason.

Jacq notices the scowl on your face and grows worried. He leaves the tissues in your hands before gently, but firmly rubbing his hands up and down your arms.

"Please... please don't give up on this little guy..."

Your eyes shoot open before looking puzzled, almost shocked he'd even ask that before realizing he doesn't know what you just went through internally. You shake your head.

"I won't."

He smiles, rather uncontrollably at that.

"Good."

_\V/_

You're yawning, barely holding it together as you stumble your way towards homeroom with a coffee from the Seabreeze Café. Capsakid strides ahead of you, a deadpan look on its face, although it seems to be smiling a little. Pawmi is sitting on your shoulder, holding on tight and looking around. Jacq walks out carrying a small stack of papers before spotting you, face lighting up and grinning.

"Ah, hello, hello, how are you today?"

You groan, eyes closed, leaning forward as if you're about to fall over. Mimi squeaks in surprise, eyes shooting open and tensing up before collecting herself.

"I think Cap has Insomnia. Like, actual insomnia," you start. "I wanted to spend time with it last night, but..."

You yawn as Cap simply gives up and walks into the classroom without you.

"I... I thought that meant it was only resistant to moves that put it to sleep, but... I guess it leaks out into day-to-day life, too?"

Jacq nods.

"That happens. In fact, it's perfectly normal, being the case more often than you'd think."

You nod, eyes still closed. You manage to force them open after squeezing them shut for a moment. When you do, Jacq has a fond smile on his face, trying to hold back a laugh. You flinch, not expecting to see him like this. He chuckles a bit.

"Ah, you should go inside. I'll be back after I make copies of this assignment, sooo, sit tight, all right?"

You yawn again, nodding before walking to your usual spot. Putting your head down, you felt sleep quickly overtake you, so you allow yourself to take a little nap.

_\V/_

A little while later, you hear Jacq's voice calling your name.

"Heyyyy... hello?"

You snort and sit up, drool on your face and eyes closed. As you wipe it away, you hear snickering. It's really close, so you open one eye a tad to see him looking down at you.

"-eh?"

He's sitting backwards in a chair, arms resting on the back of it and laying his head down, staring at you with an amused expression, a strange twinkle in his crinkled eyes. Or, maybe it's there because your vision is blurry...?

"Yoo-oou mumble in your sleeeep~" he said in a sing-songy voice.

You make a weird whimpering noise before sitting up some more.

"Yeah...?" you say, squeezing your eyes shut before shaking your head, blinking a few times to see better. It was as you were doing this that you realized--

"-CRAP!" You panic, looking around the room. This catches Jacq off-guard, but he quickly realized what was wrong when you looked under your desk.

"Oh, your Pokémon! They're both OK, we just had lunch."

You sigh with relief.

"Oh, thank gooooooooooo--"

You squint, processing the previous statement.

"...did I... sleep through like, half my classes...?"

He nods, leaning in again, bottom half of his face covered by his arm as he looks off to the side. His voice is muffled slightly, but you understand him.

"Mm-hmm, you just wouldn't wake up. But even if you were able to get up, I couldn't send you to class like that, so I let you stay in here..."

You grumble, sitting up.

"I... see..."

You stretch, face contorting a little as your eyebrows furrowed. Letting out a little yawn, you hunch over, eyes closed.

"Ok, now what? I gotta... get myself together, hold on-"

Jacq gives you a moment to figure out a game-game-plan as he pulls out his Rotom Phone.

You didn't know why missing class felt so bad. You were only here to learn how to raise Cap, and you guess Mimi now. Plus, your schedule was flexible to the point of it being comedic. Your heart really wasn't in your studies, but that wasn't the school's fault.

As you sit there, thinking to yourself, a man walks into the room. You don't think to open your eyes or look at whoever entered, but when you hear the familiar cries of your Pokémon, you turn to see Mr. Saguaro pointing in your direction. Mimi runs along his arm with a few happy little squeaks, hopping from table-to-table with Kid on her back, who jumps off at the desk directly next to yours as Mimi comes to nuzzle you.

"These little ones were certainly a handful, but I enjoyed making food small enough to accommodate them. It was..."

He looks off to the side, a thoughtful expression on his face before nodding with a smile.

"...adorable."

You nod, saying "I can imagine!" before thanking him for taking care of them, looking at your duo as he leaves. Mimi was rubbing on your arm, obviously happy despite how the day started, while Capsakid... is looking at you, mouth slightly tilted to the side as if realizing something.

"Eh?"

Jacq notices, too. Turning in the chair so he's facing Capsakid, he makes an observation.

"Hm, seems like it's thinking hard about something."

You turn to him.

"Huh? Like what? It just got here..."

He nods.

"True. It may be something already on its mind that's just starting to make sense."

You squint, leaning back.

"Wha-"

You look at Capsakid again, who's eyes seem to widen when you do. The little tilted frown on its face deepens, eyes now slightly furrowed, prompting you to frown as well, a little worried. Jacq turns toward you.

"I wouldn't worry about it, it doesn't seem to be stressed about anything, just pondering something. But if anything changes, be sure to take note of it, okay?"

You nod, still facing Capsakid, observing how it watches your response.

"Will do."

_\V/_

You grumble a little trying to come up with a route. Capsakid is eating a bit of potato tortilla, sitting on your desk and looking up at you as you study your map. You then turn to Pawmi.

She was resting under your window, taking in the sunlight like Capsakid would usually do. You look at the clock. It's almost time for you to head out and start your week-long training session.

Grabbing your bag and your empty belt, you give them a little warning.

"Ok, you two! 12 more minutes and we're out of here!"

Mimi seems to take what you said and decides to use this time to mentally prepare herself, nodding with a determined face. Capsakid, however, just keeps on munching, no change in energy or even a sign that it heard you. You aren't worried, but you feel a bit bummed starting off like this. You decide not to let this change anything, simply going to the man that's helped you the most so far.

You leave your Pokémon in the room, going to the biology room, where he's currently in-between classes. Giving the door a few good taps is what it takes to get his attention. You feel the smile in his voice, as if he expected and even knew it was you.

"Ah, hello, hello! Come on in!"

You do so, walking into the classroom.

"Hi..." You shyly wave at him.

"Yooou ready for today?"

You nod.

"Yup! Super ready, ready to get it done at least."

He... nods, hesitantly.

"Ah, I see."

You realize what you said.

"Uhp- kidding! Kidding. No, really, I'm kidding! It's just... I dunno."

"Hey, no, I get it. New chapter, very overwhelming stuff." He flashes a toothy smile.

You feel uneasy, looking at his smile, but you ignore the feeling.

"S-sorry, just dropping by 'cause... well, I-I don't know why."

You fiddle with your belt a little.

"Hey, it's all right, you don't need a reason to come see me."

"Oh! Okay, then uh..."

You awkwardly point finger guns at him.

"...see ya next week...?"

He grins just as awkwardly.

"Yeah? Of course."

You nod before waddling out without another word towards to your dorm room. 'Why are things weird now?' You can't help but ponder this as you slam your door shut.

"Ookaay, you ready?"

Mimi chirps affirmatively, but Kid ignores you entirely, laying on its side and pretending to be asleep. You wait a few seconds before groaning, the realization that it's doing this on purpose hitting you. You simply recall it back into its Pokéball and call for Mimi.

"C'mon, Mii! We're off!"

You walk out your dorm room, making sure to lock it. Pawmi on your shoulder, you begin your march toward the entrance hall. This was the first time you really left the school for an extended period of time, so you were a little nervous. But at this point, you'd do anything to get Capsakid to respect you.

During your talk the other day, Jacq had reassured you that Capsakid actually does seem to like you, but that was hard to believe since it doesn't see you as worthy of being its trainer. He said it's normal for this to happen, that both can be true at once, but it still felt bewildering, so you didn't get your hopes up.

Sighing, you step into the great hall, looking around one last time... as you heard footsteps approaching, along with your own name. Turning around, you saw Jacq, face red as he caught up with you.

"Ah, thank goodness you're still here-!"

He stops for a moment, hands on his knees as he bent over to catch his breath, mumbling "I really should've remembered- while you were still in my class-" to himself. You stand there, unsure of what to do. Mimi makes a little cooing noise as she stares at him, also uncertain. He finally sits back up, pulling something out of his pocket. It was a phone you've seen a lot of your peers using.

"I can't help but notice you have an older model of Rotom Phone," he starts, causing you to jump slightly at how embarrassingly blunt his comment was for a second. He continues, saying "-it's no problem in day-to-day life, but, you might want a newer one while out exploring. It could very well save your life!"

You think about this, not quite sure what he means. He can see your confusion, so he explains.

"Ah, this model has the ability to do many things! It can even power other items in the Rotom line. And if you ever fall, it will sense your velocity and slow your descent, no matter where you are."

He looks away, sheepish.

"I-it also has the latest edition of the Pokédex app. Fun fact! I, uh, developed it myself, back before I was in education, hehe..."

He seemed so timid stating his accomplishment, but you're honestly more curious now.

"Okay, how do I upgrade my phone, and where should I get one?"

Jacq smiled, holding the empty shell out.

"Just let your rotom possess this! All your data should transfer over, but it'll take a little while for it to adjust to the new one, it'll have to sync up with all its capabilities..."

"Wha- aren't those expensive?"

His face stays the same for a moment before morphing into one of sheer panic.

"Oh! Don't worry about it, really! You're starting your journey from the very beginning, i-it'd be easier if I aided you along the way... I have a few spares, the lab can be a mess at times, and uh... y-y'know..."

He closes his eyes as he finishes, grinning nervously. It seems like he didn't even think about it, so you hesitantly nod, holding your phone up. Jacq does the same, holding up the new one with a smile.

Your Rotom emerged from your old phone, leaving it a husk before entering the new one. The screen lit up in an instant, successfully making the move.

"Oh! Now what?"

He hands it to you.

"You just wait for it to boot back up to your lock screen..."

It's actually fairly quick, and soon enough, you see a familiar sight: a weird doodle of Pawmi blepping.

Jacq raises an amused eyebrow at this. You nervously chuckle, but remain silent otherwise.

"Ah, there you go! Now, you may have to wait for certain apps to update, but they'll all be available soon... any questions?"

You shake your head no, but you do offer something.

"I-is it weird to... exchange numbers?"

He tenses up, but he shakes his head.

"Well, I suppose not. I mean..."

He looks away.

"...of course... we can, I mean."

You nod before allowing your phones to exchange contacts, sending each other your default greeting messages.

"Thanks, might need a bit of advice while out on the field," you say, pointing to and holding your phone up, shaking it a little. He nods, grunting a little.

After this, curiousity gets the better of you. You check to see if the Pokédex app had updated, and it did, so you check it out on the spot. Jacq, upon hearing the little jingle, grew panicked, holding his hands up.

"W-wait, right here??"

You look at him, confused as the app loaded up.

"Oh, I wanted to test it out... maybe I can register Pawmi?"

He doesn't respond verbally, but after a few seconds, he gives a single nod.

You look at Pawmi, who nods as well before jumping off your shoulder, politely sitting down on the ground in front of you two with a little smile. She seems to know what the Pokédex is already, as if she's seen other Pokémon be, or even been scanned by it herself. You huff in amusement.

"Huh, even wild Pokémon seem to know about this. Great job, Jacq!"

You playfully rub his side with your elbow, eliciting a little chuckle as he turns away, limply holding the side of his left hand up to his mouth while rubbing his head with the right, flustered.

You hold your phone up, scanning the mon, heart pounding as you register your first Pokémon in quite a while, as well as the first time registering a teammate, something you were quite content not having before, but now couldn't wait to get to know more-

"Pawmi, the Mouse Pokémon. It has underdeveloped electric sacs on its cheeks, as well as electricity-discharging organs on the pads of its paws. The sacs on its cheeks will only produce electricity when furiously rubbed using its paw pads, while its stance is unsteady when firing electricity from said forepaws."

Pawmi sits up with pride, while your eyes sparkle with a newfound ardor.

"Whoooooah, this is so coool! No wonder people are always running around filling these things up!"

Sure, you had used the old app to identify Pokémon before, but to learn about your new friend sparked something in you.

"It's so convenient, too! You kinda blessed the world here-"

You turn to him, but now his entire upper half is facing away from you, head rubs now furious in intensity. You immediately go silent upon this revelation. His voice cracks a little when he responds.

"O-oh ye-ah?"

He then clears his throat, fist flying up to cover it.

"Thank y-you."

He turns away entirely. You tilt your head, but Pawmi has a glint in her eyes, paws flying up to suppress a giggle. You idly wonder what she saw when he coughs.

"Well then, b-be sure to have fun out there! I have to go, class starts soon, but uh, you have my number! Goodbye."

He then power walks off, head down.

You stand there confused as to why he was so apprehensive about you using the app in front of him before shrugging. Developers know best after all. Maybe he was in the process of fixing something, the previous edition doesn't get updated much. Pawmi seems to be staring at you with a devious smile, as if she knows.

"Paws, you may need to be my eyes sometimes."

She closes her eyes and chirps, seemingly happy with that idea.

_\V/_

End of Part 1

A/N

POV, you watch me slowly give up and start making up my own Pokélore

Also the ending of part one makes it seem like he's super duper into you already, HE ISN'T! But it is a start. I have such a cute explanation for why he's so fond of you already though and I cannot WAIT to get to that part oh my god

Also, sobbing/j, just realized why the spacing is weird when I upload these while trying to find a place to post this part. I think it's because it counts a line break as a space even if it isn't visible in my notes app, so one space for me is two for you, crying and bawling/j

#gender neutral reader #jacq x reader #pokemon scarlet and violet #spoilers #learn to love