#this is likely the depression talking but im just not feeling good. my art just feels so damn uninspired and dull

[pulsedemonremastered]

drawing my favs as those cheesy office type motivational posters. it helps ^_^

#my art #doodle #mspaint #yes if i had a printer i would tack him to my wall #feppi #pizza tower #i like the look ive been getting by not using reference photos #that said i think while im still in this neutral sort of state itd be a good time to study the pt sprites again #would love to get a real good handle on the style. might look at some 90s/00s 'toons styles too #been wanting to draw moe more. been wanting to draw her in a style like ren & stimpy or eene or something #i think this ''not outright depressed but still not particularly hyped about art'' block (?) im in feels like a good state of mind #to actually sit down and study with. if that makes sense. dont mind me talking to myself down here im having late nite coffees #i stole the rest of moms oatmilk and its too late to go get normal milk so i have to use this kinda yucky chocolate creamer she got me #its not my first second third fourth or even fifth choice but ill still drink it . its not disgusting its just not. good.

[kitsuna21]

ALMOST DONE WITH ALL MY MISSING WORK LETS FUCKING GO RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#kit talks #DUDE SCHOOL HAD BEEN KICKING MY ASS FR #Like it was a mix of new meds/drama/depression/a fuckton of stuff #I almost got kicked out of mama mia but im hanging by a THREAD #I havent been able to most my TMP wips in my folders bc of it and now i have time to catch up i love them sm <333 #also also I got some a lot of art in my folders from just schoolwork i can post later #and guess what???? ya boy is finally getting a good microphone!!! Now I'll be able to apply for voice acting jobs once I set up my portfoli #god i feel great rn holy fucking shit im gonna CRASH tonight

[vilelittlecritter]

Me looking at people losing their shit at my art and my reaction being "WHAT IS BRO TALKING ABOUT🔥🔥🔥‼️‼️‼️"

#not to shit on the parade but like tf you guys on about that shit sucks ass #i barely draw and you can fuckijg tell #for an art student i dont actually do it enough lol #im sitting here looking at people three years younger than me put out actual passionate shit because they took the time to actually care #makes me feel wasteful almost #this is likely the depression talking but im just not feeling good. my art just feels so damn uninspired and dull #works been stressful and busy. i can't even go to college. ive had to move out of my house and dont get me started on my personal life #generally shit feels so fucked the now and it feels like i cant get a fucking break #again this is likely me just being emotional but im just dealing with alot the now and its getting to me #sorry for the ramble #vent #tw vent #cw vent #random rambles #delete later

[ouchhq]

.

#i just need to vent for a second i dont really want to bother anyone to talk about this so yea here i am #i have been so depressed for weeks. so depressed. more than i have been wanting to admit to myself #i cant stop crying #i am such a failure at life… i am not a good enough artist or a good enough person for what that matters #i really feel like no one cares about me or about being around me #i have been losing will to even draw because i feel like i am not even that good at that… i know being good isnt the point but still #i feel so bad…. i am literally 24 and i look at how my life is and im like ..? how #and i remember how i used to picture my life at this point when i was little.. i literally thought id have kids by now like ??? i thought #id be starting a family and id be working and starting to put money away or whatever #and id be full of people who love me around.. #but im here laying in bed crying because its just another day of not being able to get out of bed of 9 years of clinical depression #i thought i was doing better since i started art school.. but here i am #barely ate at lunch and still feeling like i might throw up #started thinking again about sh and s*****e after a really long time. kinda heartbreaking when i realized it #i cant focus on anything and i cant work on anything.. all i want to do is sleep #oh well

[ganondoodle]

I was at first in love with totk, and I still think mechanical wise, its quite impressive

And when I collected all the tears and saw the "story" I genuinely got upset in a good way (at first), because man! Did they really got the balls to go that far? Is there nothing I can do for her? Now I MUST do all the temples, see how it plays out and --oh, I've got this cutscene already. Why are all the people so dumb about Zelda, I KNOW where she is, Link say something-- Link??

After finishing all the temples and almost falling asleep, I stopped playing the game, looked up the last boss and remaining cutscenes and went "Thats it?"

Watching other people (including you) being critically about so many things, both character and mechanical wise, I've almost startled myself with a realization what the gnawing feeling I constantly had, actually was.

Totk feels like a fanfic.

And don't get me wrong, I love fanfiction, I think its great and important, I adore fanfic writers, I love finding gems, I love reading self indulgent stories, see new spins and interpretation of characters. I love the casual, the passion, the creativity!

But totk gives me the same feeling everytime I am reminded that Fifty Shades is a Twillight fanfic.

The world is there. The faces I know and grew to love are there. But everything is ever so slightly different, uncannily so. Just how some characters talk, how they act, how they were placed in the story. The Zonai appearing out of nowhere, but no, they always had been there you see, they were these super magical advanced people but they all died, the king is so tragic. And you see, the king is super cool and powerful and-- oh I dont get to interact with him outside of the tutorial. Did they try to do another King Rhoam-- but wait, that only worked because we didn't knew he was a ghost-- totk wait stop why do you take him out of the story, why couldn't he be a companion, he IS ABLE TO TALK THROUGH THE ARM LET THE OLD GOAT COMMENT ON STUFF?? If you bring up all this ancient stuff and you still got a ghost lingering, let him talk?? (I never ended up getting Mineru but I smell wasted potential as well)

Im not even mad, I am disappointed. It feels like the devs saw what all the lore hunters got attached to and talked about and then just... took the "cool". All the Zonai stuff could've easily been Sheikah tech, but got just reskinned to look more exciting instead of being its own thing.

Like... at this point I prefer what fans are doing over what Totk gave us. The characterization of Rauru (and everything Zonai), projects like you do of what totk couldve been, the little nuggets of actual highlights and details of love fans find in the game. I found much more enjoyment in these concepts than I got from a 70bucks game. And thats depressing.

I love fanfiction. I dont love it when my corporate 70 dollar, six year development, console exclusive game feels like a story that passionate fan couldve written miles better in a week (and I've already seen much cooler and interesting rewrites and ideas).

Zelda has been a huge part of my childhood and its depressing seeing it treated like that. It always was about the story, the epic, its The Legend of Zelda for crying out loud. To be courageous to enter a dungeon, to be wise and solve all the riddles. To become powerful over the journey you embarked on. Zelda to me is the campfire story you tell to others and go into the woods or the beach and imagine what monsters you would slay. Zelda is not the sandcastle you build in the sandbox and then add dinosaurs and star wars ships because you didn't had any other toys, and just stumble into and over some story to entertain yourself until lunch is ready.

I'd have an oracle of seasons over another totk any day at this point. They should've just make the mechanics of totk its own thing, but I guess they were scared it wouldn't sell if it doesn't have a Mario or Zelda skin straped over it.

Anyways, sorry for the mini rant - love your art, love your thoughts and insights, and I am looking forward to see more of it - Zelda related or not (your original characters look amazing, I adore your style sm)

Hope you have a great rest of the day!

*nods along through this entire rant*

idk how many of my rants you have read but yeah ... yeah ... and the further you think about it the further it all falls apart, the wasted potential of it all and the goddamn audacity of them to do those interviews in which they make it EVEN WORSE is just

i know the expectation for a direct sequel to botw was huge and understandbly so but i really REALLY think it would not have been that hard to make it a good follow up even taking into account that totk was originally a DLC, pretty much all of botws aspects could have been developed further, i dont know what could have happened to make totk have turned out like this .. literally it feels like something had to have gone wrong, its like someone who doesnt know zelda nor botw at all was given a few prompts and then just made some generic fantasy story while the rest worked on ultrahand for 5 years

the technical impressive things ARE technical impressive, but i dont think it was necessary nor served the game well in any way (and i LOVE building games- however totk is neither a building game nor a story game nor a zelda game nor an exploration game nor a sequel imo) but zelda, this zelda, is not made for that and i cant help but think it was mainly to encourage people to make some ridiculous mechs so it can go viral on tiktok (not trying to discredit them, it IS cool what they are doing but i .... have my doubts if zelda is the right place for that)

ill stop there bc i have ranted so much about everything i dont wanna repeat it here again; it just doesnt feel like a real game (derogatory), it feels extra bad bc i was not really into zelda when botw came out and while i did get it as soon as i could (months after release since i just started a minijob and didnt have the money) i only over time grew to love zelda this much again, devouring any theories and anything about it bc i loved it so much- i was never into it like this when a new title was announced and dont own any special editions so i bought the totk collectors bc i was just so damn excited for it after the 2019 trailer dropped (god i want that time back ... it looked so much more like it was going to be an actual sequel) even if i was already worried it wouldnt be good at that point given how much i started to sense stuff i dont like about the newer trailers

i recently sold it at our local gameshop bc it was like a thorn in my side given how expensive it was and how dissapointed i was in the game, i genuinely think that, technical impressiveness aside, totk is the onyl zelda i truly cannot stand (for alot of reasons) and im genuinely worried for the future of the franchise

i bought an Oki (Okami) figurine for what i got back and i feel much happier with that :3

(also on a note, i did finish the game two weeks after release but stopped playing it right then and hadnt touched it since, i also streamed all of what i played and its still up if you want to see my slow descend into madness fjkdhkdhjk though its been a long while since then and i by far did not talk about everything back then, just what my most immediate frustrations were while still playing)

(also the gameplay isnt as good as people make it out to be, so much is so frustrating and punishing to use i am kinda baffled it got through like that and most people call that its best aspect ..... though i guess if the rest is so much worse even mid gameplay can seem good ooooooooh how dare i)

also thank you for liking what i do!!! <3 it means alot to know it is appreciated by someone :D

#ganondoodles answers #zelda #totk #ganondoodles rants #in my playthorugh i genuinely tried to be super open to what its offering me #but i think its pretty clear that i could see were it was going pretty soon and tried to fight my fear #and then i ended up being right #like i even went out of my way to get the memories and dungeons in turns so i wouldnt spoil anything #and still you can see me get sadder and dissappointed with each new memory i got #and the time it truly all started to crumble was when i discovered what they did to the shrine of life #pretty sure after i got all the lightroots and all i got was a you did it sticker i jsut gave up and went to the end #and after that i found the endfight fun so i played it a few more times #but the last few streams were mostly me ranting jkdfngvkjdfnhgjkdf #for this price its pretty bad #idk why so many people are okay with this tbh #zelda fans deserve better #i think the wasted potential and insulting treatment of both lore - botw and even the player is what frustrates me so much #sidenote i love the username bc there sure are words #alot of them even #(good) #i have done so much ranting it feels good to read someone elses rant about similar frustrations

[wixenburr]

Batfam quotes taken from the group chat starboard

Tim, to Damian: I'm not going to talk twink logistics with you.

Tim: my social anxiety has me by the throat, like 24/7 Dick: Make out with it.

Tim: I'd kill a person before i drank hot water Jason: I'd kill a person.

Duke: I'm alright with being forgotten Actually

Dick, post-hallucinations: DREAM JASON IS A CHICKEN NUGGET

Dick: Thank you^^, it's because I'm insane—

Steph: First I get attacked by a butterfly in my dream and now this

Dick, post-killing joker: And plenty of gore and horror just for you!! <3 <3 Jason: :o JUST FOR ME?!

Bruce: How am i already an absentee father

Dick: spanish immersion until my cousin went back to his house and then it was english all the way down Tim: bisexual moment

Alfred: you know you have real kids when they ignore you :)

Steph: Atlantic Pacific Etc Sea Ocean Uhh

Dick: Ive never seen pineapple on a pizza, if i did id just be sad spongebob lost his home

(Bruce, having a breakdown) Tim, muffled: oh my god, i just ate that whole burger

Tim: Im sorry i slept

Cass: as an aroace pacifist fmk is a nightmare scenerio Jason: i may be asexual but i am sure as hell not a pacifist it's kill kill kill for me baby

Dick: No, Tim was gonna start killing people, there's a difference

Dick: wait no the flaky skin is on my face not my ass-

Alfred: what in the british archaelogist is happening here

Babs: I'm sorry i committed an actual war crime but its for y'alls own good

Damian: I don't need comfort, i need a knife

Bruce: I'm a firm believer in whore rights okay?

Steph: hELP- Duke: I'm eating spaghett Steph: what a simple life

Damian: Oh hi Batcow, finally someone interesting to talk to

Tim: I don't have depression, a therapist hasn't diagnosed me

anyone@Dick: noooo aha dont die sparkle butt

Damian: ive been god before

Bruce: i leave for two minutes and come back to octobussy

Tim: i am also killable if that makes you feel any better???

Babs: I support you with my eyes closed.

Dick: Instead im watching children with hot glue guns Damian: Like, in battle??? Dick: LIKE IN ARTS AND CRAFT

Steph: if i get a head injury i could probably read portuguese

Steph: love how we went in different directions Jason: The only directions: murder or pranks

Duke: I can't count that high so i'm-- i'm not gonna read that

Dick: punches him straight in the eye then immediately goes in for the kiss Tim: We call that the "Sock-n-Smooch"

Bruce: worm food can be eggs. scrambled ones. Damian: i dont lay eggs Bruce: chickens do?? Damian: oh. We have chickens!!!!

Tim: we have three hands for a reason

Damian: reEEEEeeeEEEEEEEEE Tim: Baby dinosaur be like Damian: I WILL BE A DINOSAUR BUT I WONT BE A B A B Y

Tim: shut up shut up shut up no you dont your bald + your mother is american

Jason: see, strangling people DOES bring miracles!

Tim: what in the minecraft commands are you trying to do here

Bonus:

Harley: mE AND MY CHECKERBOARD BOOBIES

Wally: Nightwing has two hands and a staff

#incorrect batfamily quotes #incorrect batman quotes #incorrect batboys quotes #incorrect batbros #incorrect batkids #batman #batfam #jason todd #bruce wayne #dick grayson #damian wayne #tim drake #barbara gordon #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #alfred pennyworth #incorrect quotes #incorrect dc quotes #incorrect batfam #group chat #quotes #my post

[mourninglamby]

its actually cool to see people dissect minecraft roleplay like this, like to me yeah it was just a block game but the dark subjects matters just intertwined in a way that made it very... strange? i guess?

i feel like to really get it you have to have a certian amount of respect for the story and medium but also scorn of it, like i have sooo many problems with how things went in a million different ways, but i also think that when it worked it worked wonders. so its interesting to me for someone to dig deeper then the surface and really see it for what it was objectively

i hate that its attatched to the minecraft youtuber fandom in general because for the majority of time i was wathcing I was soley in it for a story, I dont think i even checked out a non story realated stream until like... june of that year

and i hate dream but like you said him being there and playing such a character just ads to the levels of weirdness and rawness

c!tommy got me through a dark dark time in my life, esp exile. I dealth with abuseful neglect and manipulation all my life, and i was in deep bouts of depression when those streams were coming out. but literally seeing a character portray such a raw and ugly realality of those things and yet still get back up again was comforting and cathartic

to me it was the colaboration between actor and audience that really made it unlike anything else, and also what really led to its destruction. but im glad it was there when i needed it

This is well said anon and I’m so sorry you went through something like that. Dsmp found me at a very terrifying time in my life in regards to trauma. I don’t want to get into it just as I’m sure you don’t either, but when youve been a victim of abuse, you gain a perspective that nobody else has. Your mind is permanently altered. We see things that might not be as easy to detect let alone digest for those who havent experienced that reality. or even people who are currently working through that trauma who don’t understand how to deal with it or approach it yet. And that’s not good nor bad. It just is.

I think it’s. Hard. It’s very hard to talk about. And it’s by design! I definitely agree some of the performances were amazing but with very little consideration for what to do next or how to conclude those arcs, things got messy quickly and I think they relied on their dogmatic rabid fans to deflect any serious criticism of that. And I expected them to! I expect people who tread dangerously to know what they’re doing, but they didn’t know what they were doing. That became clear to me very quickly.

And ya it is still very important to me as well… I have never seen myself in another victim in fiction quite as well as I have c!tommy. And I have found so many like minded people that I cherish and love so much. I just got back from hanging out with someone who I got close with online during dsmp! So as disgusting and scary as the community was, yes, I am also very glad it was here when I needed it. Because I needed it.

I hope we can all continue to heal from these experiences and move on to make/consume kinder art together 🌈💫💗

(Oh also I didnt/don’t(it’s complicated) care about the real people either. I actually was so detached I believed dsmp was all they did! It’s crazy how much of a second thought a lot of this was in hindsight. Which is both infuriating and worrying)

#abuse cw #long post #dsmp #adding main tag so ppl can filter it out if they don’t wanna see dsmp on this acc

[cinnamon-notes]

i've been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night but now i see daylight

[bio] : cinnamon, roaring twenties || she/they, lesbian || english speaker (not my native language though) || cancer sun, leo rising, cancer moon || infp || either dark academia aesthetic or boho it depends on what im going through :) || i judge taylor swift for putting ice in her wine

[likes/stans] : taylor swift, gilmore girls, F•R•I•E•N•D•S, cate blanchett, lauren graham|| evermore and reputation stan || i stole my personality from lorelai gilmore || cats, french movies, xmas movies, tea, cinnamon (as you can tell from my user) || wine and coffee || books, poetry, art, photography || butch up my personality (and act out of character) by watching sports while drinking beer || the autumn sky half an hour before sunset || the moon (im her secret lover) || i write my silly little poems, i play my silly little instruments, i make my silly little art, i take silly little pictures || "taylor had an imaginary friend as a child and seven is about their braids like a pattern and their face taylor cannot recall but the love taylor still got for them" truther || she/they james truther || carolina is este's ghost || olivia is taylor's best cat (!!!) || the joker and the queen is taylor's best collab with ed (after run)

[dnf] : homophobic, xenophobic, racist, transphobic, zionist, ... discriminate and are against basic human rights || you're younger than 13, it just creeps me out (sorry. it's not in a mean way) || i post about my mental issues (i mostly struggle with ocd, depression, and have an ed); i always put trigger warnings but if you aren't okay with these topics, just feel free to unfollow/not follow.

[what i post] : mainly my random thoughts, facts/updates/vents about my life || journal-like paragraphs || i write poems and i have some wips going on, although i dont publish my works here, i tend to share the creative process a lot || taylor swift's lyrics analysis, lyrics parallels, quotes i like, poetry (not mine) || swiftie/friends-related content || movies i watch, books i read, paintings i love, songs i play

[my hashtags] : see the tag #cinnamon-taglist (you can find it in the tags of this post)

i love talking to people, so feel free to interact, it is more than welcome! thanks for following my blog, i hope you'll have a good time checking it! <3

#intro post #introduction #blog intro #cinnamon notes #cinnamon talks #cinnamon answers #cinnamon replies #cinnamon smokes #cinnamon polls #cinnamon and the folks #cinnamon analysis #cinnamon in love #i'm her dorothea #cinnamon situationship #cinnamon at work #cinnamon crochets #cinnamon taglist

[1bringthesun]

have any of you read “Dancing Girl?” gosh, it just made me sad. Mori Ougai is a really good author haha, hahaha. hah… h-

.

..

…

yeah i’m relating this to bsd! Mori. BITE ME!! ahem. so in this essay i will be talking about Elise and Mori’s relationship. i’ve already established i don’t see her as his “wife” or the object of his sexual desires, and i’ve also mentioned i like the “Elise is his daughter,” way of seeing things, however … well, there’s more than just that.

1) Elise represents his inner child

2) Elise preserves the memory of a dead lover and is his “partner”

3) Elise is a child-figure to him

those numbers will be reused in that order to mean the same thing later, but first, background and “Dancing Girl!”

so i think that, within the definition of his and Elise’s relationship, Mori embodies Toyotarou from “Dancing Girl” more than Kanei from “Vita Sexualis” (i think i learned which type of media went in italics and which sort in quotes some time in third grade, but it’s been entirely too long and therefore i’ve forgotten all of it and you’ll have to excuse my poor grammar if im messing it up). why, you may ask? well, first of all, Elise is literally from that novel. second of all, i’ve just skimmed vita sexualis (- an asexual) while “Dancing Girl” managed to catch my attention a lot more. plus, Mori was one of the characters that Asagiri explicitly stated he wanted to add in, and we all know just how evil Asagiri Kafka can be when he feels like it.

… why is the space so long ? why are these spaces different sizes?? this is really bugging me … but whatever, i’ll try my best to ignore it … (nevermind it looks perfectly normal when i post it i guess it’s just a. draft thing)

ahem, so, in “Dark Era,” Mori basically goes “damn Dazai you’re suicidal as hell! you remind me of myself hahah!” and i feel like that’s pretty concrete evidence Mori Did Not have a happy childhood (i mean, duh, considering he was trigger-happy to friendly fire as an important military man at 20 some years old) and was likely suicidal in the past too, to some extent. in that sense, the chains that tie Dazai down, if they’re Odasaku’s last words, are the Port Mafia for Mori. he cannot die as long as he’s sane and capable of leading the PM, because he’s basically the very embodiment of it.

⚠️SPOILERS FOR “DANCING GIRL!”⚠️

alright, onto “Dancing Girl.” i’ll give you a quick rundown. it’s basically about this college dude (25 or so) (haha that reminds me of the, “am i the asshole?” posts. i (M26) just fell in love with a girl (F18) of whom i’ve known since she was a minor and i was still an adult. i got her pregnant by some time after she became of-age, then i left her to pursue my career. am i the asshole?) (godamn it tai you just spoiled the whole novel) (i’ll put a spoiler warning up somewhere in the beginning) (bear with me) with depression who falls in love with a… looks at the parenthesis and sighs deeply.

he doesn’t see any point in anything because his life was just a glorified projection of his mother and school’s desires, so he starts being a little more hedonistic and learning about the arts instead of becoming a lawyer like they wanted him to. he meets Elise (her name) and basically immediately feels attracted to her in some way he can’t put into words (she’s 17ish when they meet btw) and starts teaching her things and basically acting like a sponsor to her. they don’t start getting romantic and/or sexual until some unsaid period of time passes. now i personally choose to interpret this as her turning 18 before they do all that stuff, but since it never explicitly says, well… yeah. Toyotarou is used to living his life in a cushy-ish manner as a child prodigy and what have you, but he eventually gives that away to live with Elise. that being said, his “giving it away” was less of a choice to be with her and more of a digression from a perfect machine into a person with his own stunted feelings.

she makes him satisfied, and he makes her very deeply happy, but eventually he chooses his career over her and she goes crazy because of how betrayed she feels- she really deeply loved him, after all. he pays her mother enough to keep her afloat and to take care of the baby he left in her stomach, and went back to Japan without another word. Toyotarou! you bastard!! (it’s not like he was without remorse, though)

anyway back to the numbers.

1) Mori’s past is pure speculation, but he was a military doctor ranked quite high as a very young man, one that didn’t hesitate to shoot someone on his own side no less (like i said) so it’s probably a given he didn’t have a stress-free childhood. this is an excerpt from “Dancing Girl,” in which i think explains the possibility that Elise represents the angry child inside of Mori that he never got to let out as a real child.

2) given what i said above, this also feels pretty self-explanatory. we basically only know two things about Mori, that he would do anything for the greater good (which is usually the PM/yokohama), and that he longs for a “partner” who will understand and not leave him. it’s possible Fukuzawa filled that role for a while, but Mori is a little unhinged and did some bad things out of obsession, which severed their ties because of Fukuzawa’s innate nature. Mori has called Elise his partner (tsuma, AKA person who stays by my side) (i know nobody says tsuma and means it that way but considering “Yatsugare san” exists (yes i’m looking straight at you, AKUTAGAWA RYUUNOSUKE), i wouldn’t put it past Asagiri to use tsuma in that manner) before and acts dramatic as all hell when she dies. it’s almost like … someone called Elise really DID die before?

3) this requires the least explanation. we already know Mori likes children in a non-pedo way, shown by things like how he helped Atsushi gather his courage in Anne’s room (which did nothing for him, btw) and his profession in the beast AU. but what sort of mafia don has a cute daughter?? that’s like ASKING for her to be killed. so Elise, the product of Vita Sexualis, is the next best thing he can have!

Elise also is a lot like the Toyotarou, while Mori acts more like Elise when they’re together. it’s just something i noticed watching the two interact in BSD and DG. the whole idea of having no autonomy is kinda Elise’s (BSD) thing, isn’t it?

my phone is now 20% and i have no charger. i have probably 69 viruses and also since i have apps like tiktok, wechat, and discord… you can imagine how much this poor device suffers, but i regret nothing. yahoo! hope you enjoyed my rant~

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #dancing girl #a german dancing girl specifically named Elise #bsd elise #bsd mori #mori ougai #Mori Elise #can i call her Mori Elise?? i mean she’s basically his daughter anyway so #Mori and Elise #toyotarou #god they make me sad #Mori is so traumatized and so babygirl #not all would understand #anyway i’m getting carried away even in the hashtags.. is this who we are??? #AH MY PHONE IS AT 5% WHAT THE HELL. #okay i’m posting it now i hope this gets some attention because otherwise i might go crazy /j

[wraithsoutlaws]

.

i know it's just the Depression(TM) but i feel so forgettable lately and like i just can't do anything Good and certainly not something i'm really Proud of and i so rarely have motivation to do ANYTHING at all and when I do i spend it completely mortified that it's gonna be total shit and i'll hate it and it will make me feel even worse about it all because i can't even make myself happy and its just a constant of

>don't do art. feel bad > do art. feel bad

it just sucks when your main creative outlet is tied to the problem and its extra stupid because I KNOW its just my dumb brain being literally dumb as shit but that doesn't stop that feeling you know. i was also thinking about those "end of year VP" templates and how like...i really haven't done much that really sticks out to me this year and that sucks too. i Know that "good" has no meaning here but no amount of self awareness makes it any better.

so what do i do if i can't do art or vp or write or work on this stupid puzzle that's taunting me all day long to feel better? i lay in bed and feel worse. its too cold and gross to be outside and touch the grass.

*this isn't me looking for back pats or whatever i just gotta vent sometimes just to get it out im fine i promise it is fleeting it will pass* *you know your fandom is poison when you're self-conscious about your own mental illness vent posts because someone might use it to talk shit about you

anyways akfdljksal i've been sitting for over a week trying to figure out what to do for dagger's birthday pics and it took me so long to kind of get an idea and now i keep not having the energy or motivation to do it and now its in 2 days and im gonna be so mad at myself if i don't just let myself enjoy it (he is very special to me. cringe-haters hate me). its just so hard to find the joy when you're whole world is in a fog.

#*trust falls into the fiery pits of hell* #<- didn't know that's how you spell fiery #anyway this is jsut your normal sadboy vent post nothing to see here #if i don't verbalize it it will fester into a fungus and i Will begin to rot

[mihai-florescu]

i envy people you talk to regularly youre such an interesting person, i think somewhere theres a life where everyone can fit themselves into and i know you said you prefer being a spectator but ?im not sure how to word it? i think theres something so special about finding the place where you feel like you were meant to be and i think that parts of the world (schooling especially) loves ripping that part of humanity out.. i think that there are people who prefer writing stories and ppl who only prefer reading them but maybe in my mind “spectators” also deserve to find other spectators who also dont fit in in where they r as well but

who knows!! im not trying to sway your opinion or anything its just a very interesting convo that i thought of myself before but in the opposite way you do, where ive thought of myself completely removed from the world but doing everything i can to give myself hope that theres somewhere i can stay if this is the only option i have, id love to listen to your thesis even if its different from what i started talking about i find this whole topic interesting ^_^ sorry if i made this too serious or something ahshdha you can feel free to not answer it i havent had an interesting convo like this in soo long lol

-youtalklikeeichianon

Sorry i didnt reply earlier, im constantly scared. Mostly about this project, then life in general. Ive spent so much time trying to get in mine and other people's heads that i cannot conceptualize the project taking any visual form beyond "having the audience imagine things themselves" but that is so not gonna get me to graduate visual art school... id welcome school ripping out my humanity if it meant id finally be at peace and not struggle, i think thats preferable even. But instead it keeps me going outside my head and trying to be a person when I belong in the wires of a computer or in the clouds instead...

Well ultimately i think school is good for me, it's giving me some sort of structure and identity. Im sure the reason im scared to graduate is 1. Yes i dont think i can make anything visual to express or reflect my research or topic in a meaningful, worthwile way, im not smart enough for that, and 2. What will i be after i shed this status of student? There is nothing i want to be.

I appreciate the hope for a spectator kinship but i worry this part of myself *is* the depression talking and if i find someone else in my state id just go for a suicide pact. If anything i need people whobwant to live and tell stories that i can observe and help make sure they come to life. Like i cant work on my own project without spiraling into "it's worthless" territory but i can help others with theirs becsuse *they* believe and have hopes, and im just passing the time trying to figure out why people seek escapism and why stories impact us, and arriving at esoteric answers that could very well be me projecting on the rest of humanity, except i have some cool papers ive read that i can cite inbetween my own statements about the world.

#ask #anon

[nerves-nebula]

yo i gotta thank you for portraying csa in yr stories. it's sorta a forbidden subject to talk abt and honestly makes me feel less disgusting when you show it so openly if you get what i mean

like it's always just a thing that people treat like you can't even talk about it because it's so horrible and disgusting and surely it never happens, especially not to kids who have anger issues/or who are dickheads in general! surely not!

so uh. thank you for portraying it in the way you do

oh yeah, i know what you mean, thats like all i talk about these days. thats what my damn art project that just kicked my ass today is about hah. and tomorrow i'm gonna present it!! even though talking about it out loud still makes me sweat really badly!!

anyway i think im depressed again and maybe have been for months and i keep almost crying on the bus home and this ask is making me tear up :))))))) idk if thats a good thing or not but i figured you should know that YOU are also having an emotional impact on ME.

#nnstuff #ask #csa tw #anyway. ya welcome. #asks are sweethearts #being helpful

[touch-starved-lurker]

you know what? screw it. feeling bad fucking sucks. might not be as easy as just deciding not to feel bad, but damnit im gonna try.

yeah im depressed. yeah i feel like shit. yeah i relapsed (kinda). yeah im no longer sure of the future of my relationship with this person. yeah we don’t talk much now and yeah its kinda killing me.

but hey. i used to be even more depressed. and i did get better. my life got better, the universe still had new and good things to offer me. like that person, even though the golden times didn’t last and led to a new darkness. there will be more good things. more people and relationships, more good art to make, more memories to be made.

there will be for i will make it so. universe, consider this my vow of stubbornness and hope. i will get through this and i will be warmed by the sun once again.

#hopeposting #healing #recovery #mental health #self compassion #coping #healing journey #mental wellness #daily gratefuls #breakup

[toughknit]

**matching donations 4 UNRWA** hi! here’s something i made on my bedroom floor this winter! im not very good at arts and crafts but i wanted to share it with you. so i put together Mystery Apart, essays on perception, reciprocity and profound despair 🕸️ here are 9 short creative essays about feeling like what you are inside doesn’t correspond to what other people see. i talk about language, grief, gender, and how all of these things took shape when i was convinced that i should withdraw from the world. i don’t think i’m sad anymore, it’s just habit that i’m trying to wear out. maybe i managed to put words on what you were feeling and that’s why i’m sharing this project. i’m matching donations to UNRWA because i’m part of the world and i can’t ignore the significant horrors that North-American and European powers are currently allowing in Palestine, Sudan, Congo, and on the stolen & colonized lands i currently reside on. it’s currently ramadan and isr**l just blocked UNRWA’s food convoys to northern Gaza. if you want a copy of Mystery Apart, just send me a proof of your donation to UNRWA (any amount). in turn, i’ll send you a proof of my donation matching the amount you sent and then, you’ll grab the zine. i’ll match donations up to 150$ cad. i have some printed already, i can print more, i can send out PDFs, i can send you one by the mail. i would be very flattered if you showed interest in reading my writing, i’m not very used to sharing it!! but part of leaving depression behind is being an active participant of the World!!! i take this very seriously and making it everyone’s business (leo moon behaviour) 🚬 tips of any amount are also accepted but only if you feel like it! thank you and please share<3 long live the resistance

[moonlightshaiku]

Hello! May I request a pair up? ^^

My names Dahlia (I go by Luka too but mostly Dahlia) and I'm non binary but kinda go with whatever pronouns people call me and wear whatever I feel like. I'm omniromantic and demi sexual!

I enjoy art (writing, dancing, painting, ect..), books, collecting things, bugs (I have a collection of bugs I preserved in bottles myself :), gardening, dyeing my hair black, diying clothes, luxury, science fiction and horror, cats or birds, classical music/metal/and some other alt genres of music, goth and alt everything ngl, gothic fashion or mall goth, organizing, stars, making edits, spending or earning money, bones, zombies, scheming, military stuff, debating, learning bcs knowledge is power, and hiking

My flaws and quirks are that I tend to be jealous, have a bit of a savior/supioriority complex but internally don't think I'm that great yk, a bit impulsive, really blunt, don't sleep don't eat just gotta get what I need done, petty, anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, maladaptive dreaming disorder, nightmares 🌚, half done projects everywhere, competitive, loves to spoil my lover a little to much, can't sit still, needs to be uniqe, daddy issues, only ever listen to those I care for other than that im not a very good listener and a addiction to caffeine and success

My personality is entj with some enfp sprinkled in and 3w4, but basically, selfless to those I care about even a bit, polite, messed up but pretty self sustaining, eccentric, confident, can take charge, creative, assertive, sarcastic, blunt but can and will lie, extrovert, methodical, attentive, thrill seeking, witty, mindful of others unless I don't like the person, passionate, ambitious, stubborn, expressive, charismatic, sophisticated (most the time), adaptable, bit of a day dreamer but also realistic, and can and will do as I please to get what I please (unless your someone Im even just chill with I don't like hurting people to much unless they deserve it or I'm doing it on accident)

And that's it! I hope you have a lovely evening dear freind! I may have ranted a bit sorry :') but thank you so much I hope I wasn't to much trouble!

-🍷

Sevika!

(General Information: Sevika is a character from Arcane. She's a gruff fighter with a metal arm prosthesis. She's also very responsible, intelligent, and will try to end confrontations peacefully if possible.)

Sevika would absolutely love and spoil you! She's really relieved to be with someone who she believes can actually handle themself. She does worry, nonetheless.

She doesn't have a lot of time on her hands, but she'll spend every moment possible with you. Loves spoiling you, just as you spoil her. When her (relatively large) paycheck comes in, she would absolutely love taking you shopping.

She loves your ambition! Whatever you plan to do in your adult life, she will support. She'll get you whatever you need and put as much of her spare time forward as possible.

She probably picks up little trinkets and bugs when she has the time? And (especially if you're forgetful) will leave it on counters/tables. Just little offerings she hopes you won't mention.

Sevika has a lot of trauma, and is surprisingly good at calming people down. She'll usually boss them around, get them functioning and then talk. But she can also be soft. Kneel down and pat, murmur, whatever needed. Whenever Sevika is dealing something, she tends to get irritable and might even cry a bit, quietly and alone. A good, warm meal will calm her enough to talk it over.

Sevika isn't really jealous, and she's fine with your being jealous as long as it doesn't prevent her from doing something. If it does, she'll sit you down and attempt to understand and better the situation.

I can see a lot of good communication in the relationship, and a lot of mutual spoiling (and breakdowns)!

Alternate Pairing(s):

Kylo Ren — Star Wars

#sevika x you #sevika x reader #arcane sevika #sevika #arcane #pair up #lesbian #nonbinary #gay :) #wine anon

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

#vent #tw sui ideation #tw sui vent #tw sui attempt #long post #well this escalated fast #i am useless and pathetic. i am going to remain this way forever. the only way out is to just disappear i think. im tired of being alive