#i cant focus on anything and i cant work on anything.. all i want to do is sleep

[clambuoyance]

I’ve never been so obsessed with a character so bad that I literally can’t do anything else I’m like the squidward meme watching SpongeBob frolic outside the window stretching a hand out to all the pretty paintings and animations and comics I see in my head but being unable to feel any motivation for it . If only i could use the energy spent to create 20 kon doodles to sit down and concentrate on a single finished full piece I used to be able to make like 5 page comics what happened to me

#sighs yes before anyone says anything IK it’s probably adhd related 😭 #BUT ITS GOTTEN SO BAD I CAN FEEL THE DIFFERENCE IN MY BRAIN HOW DID IT GET WORSE #it’s probably a mix of burnout too but I don’t get tired of drawing ? #it feels like when u get dizzy or change glasses or so #and it’s either everything is wayyy too in focus and you can see literally everything clearly that it hurts ur brain #which doesn’t help given how saturated w information the world is always #and simultaneously somehow everything is blurry or out of focus and I physically have to strain myself to hone in on one thing #I JUST WANNA READ COMICS AND FINISH A DRAWING AND HANDLE WORK AND SCHOOL AND TALK TO MY FRIENDS #ALL IN OME DAY #BUT MY BRAIN IS LIKE. TODAY IS ONLY FOR COMICS. YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ESLE #😫🫶 I’m deleting this later I’m just ranting LMAO #I’m highschool it’s crazy bc I did okay and then honestly i just think my ability to concentrate has deteriorated as the years have gone by #free me!!! #either way I want to lessen my social media and just pick One bc girl I have an Instagram a tumblr and a twitter this is horrible for me . #honestly I’ll probably pick instagram and just post on tumblr when I have art #I already do that #I mean when I have Good art. #IM RAMBLING IDK

[tortellinigirl]

I feel like recently, ADHD has kind of become shorthand for “a person who is annoying online and has no real problems,” and I don’t really think that’s awesome news, given the context that ADHD has a long history of being disregarded as a made up disorder that’s just an excuse for poor/obnoxious behavior, no matter how much scientific research proves otherwise. ADHD is not by any means the only disorder that has people making a thousand misleading tiktoks about it, so perhaps do some critical thinking about why specifically ADHD has become the poster child for that behavior. There are certainly valid criticisms to be made of the way we discuss mental health online, but maybe use your brain and determine why this disorder in particular is the one that’s easiest to point at for being “annoying” and “not that big of a deal.”

#idk maybe if u actually watched a couple of the tiktoks u might learn that the lack of focus thing is reall not the main issue #its just what the people around us are most likely to notice and be bothered by #not saying it doesnt get obnoxious seeing people say the same thing over and over #and yes some people are like purposely vague and disingenuous about the symptoms to get views from people thinking they have it now #but i see that with everything. like autism PTSD depression OCD anxiety #im always getting tiktoks saying that im a lesbian or i have repressed memories or “x normal thing is a symptom of y disorder!!” #and yes its annoying but its probably somewhat helpful to people who actually are dealing w those things #and also like. if u simply stop treating ur for you page like a crystal ball that sees into your soul and reflects it back #and realize its just an algorithm designed to make u interact whether thats bc u like what u saw or fucking hated it #then u will not be as bothered ! #but yes our generation seems to have a habit of constantly trying to find the right box to out ourselves in so we can be like. “marketable” #like people seem to want to design their personality like an movie character or something #but its so shitty that we’re dog piling all that on ADHD as if our specific disorder has anything to do with it #also personally i think its kind of normal to be really focused on a particular aspect of your identity when u just discovered it #and it usually evens out and just becomes part of the background of your identity #but yes there’s often a problem with pathologizing normal things #but i think its important to recognize that lots of things that are normal occasionally are pathological in excess. like thats how it works #like we’ve all been through how being sad sometimes is not the same as depression #why cant we grasp that occasionally going into a room and forgetting why you’re there isnt the same as ADHD #my posts

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator #i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much #but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday #forever and ever drawing #but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal #literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i #chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms #bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys #the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so #long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from #everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is #warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable #but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head #hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor #for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b #i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am #but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the #past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria #unrelated

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc. #especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you. #who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!' #like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

[clown-femme]

I kind of resent when other adhd people talk about hyperfocus only because I'm jealous that I don't do that. I WISH I could zero in and stay focused on one task at a time. Can you imagine. I can't even do that with things I like.

That said I am also annoyed when people misuse the term hyperfocus to just mean 'the thing I'm into right now' but that is Beside the point

#i think my Heavy depression makes it hard for me to get the brain chemical response needed for the adhd brain employees to go 'mm yummy' #'more of this please' and make me lock into focus #i think there is a factory between my ears and there are two departments that are at odds #and one is my depression and the other is the adhd #and the depression has halted production of dopamine. it cut funding on serotonin and dopamine because of my life's conga line of misfortune #and the adhd side is like. goddamn we need some dopamine bad. we are going to try to do everything at once to get some. 87 tabs. #14 rps going on at once. three songs stuck in head. click teeth together too. #we are NOT touching a single thing that doesnt help the dopamine machine make more dopamine for us so cut all other activities. work??? well #work is hard. actually most things are hard. and they take too many steps. now i know things like our hobbies Might produce dopamine but #well its not fast enough. and also tooooo many steps. everything too many steps. #sit on couch and 87 tabs just enough steps. #this has to be the case until we can get enough dopamine from anything at all to want to linger on an activity #and then back to depression #where its like. see?? look. we dont do anything and we hate ourselves. we cant make ourselves do things that we like or dislike. #this is why we cant have dopamine or serotonin. #and then i am left on the outside unable to focus on my work or my writing or even on fun things like rp #sorry for wall of tags

[silenthillbunni]

im in so much pain lol :') </3

#literally.... why am i getting full scale gallstone attacks again T-T #i havent had an attack since september but now they started again #and the meds they prescribed arent working!!!! T-T they dont help #and they told me that in this case all i can do is go to the ER (where i'll get morphine shots skskks) #but then i'll just go home and eat a potato and then be in pain again #i just want them to remove my gallbladder why is it taking so long #but yeah anyway i am in sm pain it ebbed out a bit earlier but then i had oatmeal and now it's bad again #so im scared of eating. and it hurts sooo bad i cant focus on anything or sit still even #so i rlly think that even if going to the ER is just not fun at all and it gives me anxiety that i'll just have to sit there #in pain and be uncomfortable and wait for several hours... #and the cost sksks. $32 but im poor so thats a lot to mr #anywayyyyyy yes i cant stand this so if it isn't better tmrw i'll go to the ER even if thats so scary #i cant handle this pain anymore it's just so awful #i luv ma lajfffffff uwuwuwuuwuwuw 🫶🏻💕💕💕💕💕

[nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius]

.

#that didn’t help. it made things worse. #high school failed me. my mother failed me. i failed myself and i’m still fucking failing myself #and i don’t have the willpower to do anything about it #i can’t focus i never have been able to i got through gcse on intelligence alonr i didtn have to work for it #and lockdown ruined me #i keep questioning whether my mothers right and i did choose the wrong degree #“you need to be on top of your game!” What if i dont want to. what if i just want to be me for once in my fucking life. #and i cant tell anyone #because nobody understands #could i have told him before he died? #maybe. maybe out of all of them he was the only one i could trust #because he never lied to me #he told me straight that he failed his a levels and STILL got into a good job because he knew how to work ppl #i dont know how to work people. i don’t know how to work myself #i trust people. i tell them whats worrying me and they use that against me #they make it my fault #maybe theyre right. maybe it is #so i lock myself away with my writing and ignore the issues until they get bigger and bigger and they crush me #idk how i’m going to face going back to uni #Zjust this constant stream of regrets #i just want someone to tell me i dont have to be perfect #and mean it #i dont have to be what they want me to be #ive always been isolated. it’s coming up to a decade since i started high school #And its just fotten worse

[rapidhighway]

I finally have a concept art class this semester and I've been so excited about it this is all I wanted and still i can't bring myself to do any work for it pls pls pls 😔

#this is the most exciting thing and i loved it when the prof explained what we were going to be doing #and i haven't done anything..... #I've been trying to catch up #its HARD i can't focus on this at all #how can i make any original work and think about it a lot when all i can think about is my little fanart #UGH #im just so distracted all the time i cant just sit down and WRITE THIS DOWN #hmmm i have a pill #but i only have one and i dont want to waste it :[ #some methylphenidate for the soul?????? 🥺🥺🥺 #idk idk

[parallaxabomination]

my brain is so full of stress it might explode. but ill do my best to keep putting out my best and stay kind to myself and others. but man, is it hard

#i wish i had something for myself rn #but i come home so exhausted i cant even focus on art #everything has been burning me so thin #i keep talking down my own art now. i keep refunding clients. i honestly want to give up on everything #people tell me i do a good job but i dont see it. i dont see an artist whos worth anything right now. #i dont know if thats a phrase #i have a early morning shift tomorrow and i cant fall asleep #i want to just rest but im so restless #i dont want to put pressure on anyone besides myself bc i feel like a huge burden #if i do so #everyone else should be having a good time #so i feel like a bummer to take up their emotional space and time #i appreciate the kindness people have shown me recently #i know i work hard. but im still so broken over everything #i just havent felt like an artist since it happend #he left a bigger scar on my ego than i thought it would #and every time i voice it i feel someone is out to end me for it #but at the same time i feel completely unnoticed and unheard #i dont expect anyone to see me as me #i just feel this lump in my throat now. this weight on my hand #they say kind things but im so hurt inside i dont see it as truth right now. i dont see anything worth admiring #they say such sweet things and i want to accept them so bad because my heart needs it #but i cant help but feel the words die as they reach my ears. im just too hurt i cant see it #i cant see the truth in my work all i see is someone else's desire in their commission #as long as they are happy. as long as they are satisfied #thats all that matters #i dont feel important enough to be apart of the process anymore #i dont feel worthy as a person or artist #i just feel less than nothing and that no one will care

[bittwitchy]

see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place

#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd #but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well #just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well #which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out #which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore #its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi #see the other thing is #if i talk about my mental health at all #people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint #or feel sorry for me which i also dont want #all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all #like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff #i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly #im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares #i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to #and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one #they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored #im losing my mind steadily #and thats not even onto the physical problems #but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying #‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket #if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your #fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces #sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues #but then i talk to other women and it is #it just doesnt make sense and i hate it #but i never rly got help on private insurance either so #tbd #depression cw

[manchasama]

I don't like getting up as a rule, but I no longer can have those nice lazy morning lie-ins (chronic pain alas). Doesn't stop me from dragging my feet in terms of getting up if i don't have anything scheduled of course. So getting up before 9 or 10 on a Saturday is not my favorite activity.

But once I'm up, I always lament not getting up earlier. Lying in bed reading or scrolling tumblr is fine and all, but right now the days are really nice, and you could have done something, right? Idk, it's partially I know every moment doesn't have to be meaningful, but I keep feeling like it's probably depression rather than relaxation, and maybe if I'd gotten up it would have been a better day.

Anywho, I got up early for a saturday (about when i normally do weekdays) to go grocery shopping, bc I haven't been since, oh, February. It's amazing how far you can stretch things lol. Mostly just ran out of anything but a few frozen veggies and my go-to easy meals were un-makeable at this point. I'm still proud of myself for going ofc, but im still slebby. Should go garden maybe. Take a nap, idk lol. Just trying to have a good day.

#personal opinions ahead #nothing special just rambling #i think on of my biggest challenges right now is my own brain #there are very few things it can focus on #and i can't do other things without the brain latched on to something #audiobooks: cant focus #youtube: only a few things can make me focus and i'm all out #music: need new music cant focus on what i have #vidoes: cant do other things like garden and also cant focus on anything but the vid at that point #help my brain is against me doing thinggggsss #i want to do things let me do things #distractable works but i am once again all out #something new but something familiar

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres gotta be. like there has to be something wrong with my head #ugh. not wrong. wrong is a bad word. just. i should not b this hard to get my brain to focus on literally anything that matters #its just so frustrating. im doing the best i ever have. and yet i still cant focus. wtf else can i do? #god dammit. all i wanna do is listen to garbage and draw and draw and draw my shitty little scribbles #maybe my head jsut wasnt built for what im trying to do with it #so idk how tf im supposed to get thru the next 4 years of my phd. or wtf im gonna do after #maybe i should just have just started working at a lab when i graduated. just be a lab manager for thr rest of my life #i dunno. i dunno what to do. how to make my head work. it shouldnt be this hard. my dad can just do things he doesnt want to and im like #HOW??? Im too much like my mom. especially now that im way less anxious. she was a procrastinater and a messy disaster #ay. im just frustrated and feeling guilty abt the lack ot work getting done. i just wanna get back into thr lab #unrelated

[andragoras-in-vanity]

does anyone else with chronic pain/fibromyalgia (or whatever the stupid new name is for it that they wont take seriously either) have any idea on how to alleviate leg pain? or even just discomfort?

#fibromyalgia #chronic pain #disabled #the heating pad is all i have and it doesnt do shit #and right now i guess its not even pain so much as pressure and discomfort under my skin #but it makes my want to go full Hellraiser and take off my flesh #im not on medication either i cant afford it and it probably wont work for me so i dont have anything to take #and stuff like Tylenol only make inflammation and stomach problems worse #so like .if anyone has any idea my brain is very foggy and about to clock out for the night #i cant focus #i need help badly

[mrpsychokiller]

do you think if i went to college id have the opportunity to hang out with friends and kiss cute boys. is this where im gonna need to find the motivation to go to college

#everytime i go to therapy its always the same thing my therapist just talks about how i need to stop mopping and doing nothing #and go to college and do something with my life. its what my friends and my parents say too and what i know i should do #but my response is always ''i dont know'' and i dont make any plans or do anything #i dont know. i have nothing im interested in enough to study. nothing i want to go to college for. nothing id like to work with forever #i cant get the energy to leave my bed and i cant imagine getting the energy to study hard for several years and then work hard forever #with how i feel right now i cant imagine myself having the energy or the strength or the motivation or the focus to do anything like that #all i spend my time hoping for is just the general idea of feeling better. i want to make friends i want to hang out #i want to date i want to transition i want to play videogames i want to live by myself and not have to worry about money or about my parents #but i imagine these distant things refusing to admit that to achieve them i need to do these impossible things first #so i come back to having to think of college. and im stuck again #blehhh #ALSO SORRY FOR THE TONE SHIFT BTW the original text post was supposed to be a joke but then i start actually ranting in the tags

[silenthillbunni]

the desire im capable of feeling for a person is insane like i rlly cannot see any other way my life could go that i'd be happy w unless im by their side in their arms :((

#genuinely idgi. w my other crushes i daydreamed but i didnt wanna get close to them rlly. this is more than a crush how does it work #r u supposed to go crazy or am i a freak #i mean like.. idk!!!!! idk anything im so confused!!!!!! #all i know is that when i wake up their my first thought. when i do anything during the day i wish i was w them doing those things #when i go to bed i think of them #every thought i have i wanna share w them. it feels good nd nice to share everything w them #it's exciting to talk abt my boring fkn day. it's exciting to listen to details of their borinf day #like thats music to my ears. everything. i want. when i think of watching a show i want to know what they think of it #when i come across a movie my 1st thought it hmm wonder if theyve seen it #when i come across various ideologies nd stuff im like hmmm i wanna discuss this w them #it's all them them them them! #im jealous of the air they breathe the ground the walk on. those things get to be so close nd im so far away #i dont know #cant.. imagine. i mean maybe to other ppl #being in love and loving someone is .. idk. i've never experienced it before so idk anythinf #im just... so.. dizzy #i cant focus on school even if im like yeah wow im gnna go homeless if i dont do my homework lmao #i cant read my books or watch shows bc i keep pausing nd being like ok but what if WE were in this position #well. maybe. im ??? is this what love is? or am i too intense? should u be able to function anyway? idgi

[ouchhq]

.

#i just need to vent for a second i dont really want to bother anyone to talk about this so yea here i am #i have been so depressed for weeks. so depressed. more than i have been wanting to admit to myself #i cant stop crying #i am such a failure at life… i am not a good enough artist or a good enough person for what that matters #i really feel like no one cares about me or about being around me #i have been losing will to even draw because i feel like i am not even that good at that… i know being good isnt the point but still #i feel so bad…. i am literally 24 and i look at how my life is and im like ..? how #and i remember how i used to picture my life at this point when i was little.. i literally thought id have kids by now like ??? i thought #id be starting a family and id be working and starting to put money away or whatever #and id be full of people who love me around.. #but im here laying in bed crying because its just another day of not being able to get out of bed of 9 years of clinical depression #i thought i was doing better since i started art school.. but here i am #barely ate at lunch and still feeling like i might throw up #started thinking again about sh and s*****e after a really long time. kinda heartbreaking when i realized it #i cant focus on anything and i cant work on anything.. all i want to do is sleep #oh well