opens-up-4-nobody

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#i continue to not kno what to do #i just took a walk up the mountain and i felt like i was at the end of the world and all the lights are blinking out #so i dont kno what to do #i turn 27 on Wednesday and i feel like it's all falling apart #what will i say to my advisor on Tuesday? i dunno. what will i say to my dad if he decides to call on Wednesday? i dunno #what am i gonna do tomorrow? i dunno. i dont wanna do anything. i just want to dissolve away #unrelated

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#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit #we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today #luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying #so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem #canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine #think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say #but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart #i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here? #what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this? #why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess #its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks. #idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad #it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl #like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this #i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away #i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster #unrelated

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As a stranger on the internet (so feel free to ignore or tell me I'm out of line) you might just be going through a grieving process. It sucks, a lot, and I don't really have any advice other than it will slowly get better, but it might help simply knowing.

Grief is different for everyone, and looks different for everyone too. But either way I hope you feel better soon <3

It's very possible, I just don't want that to be the answer because then I don't know what to do

#it feels more like im using grief as an excuse to not do anything and i find it really upsetting #i just dont kno what to do. i have a lightning talk to give tomorrow and i cant get anywhere bc when i try to get anything done i just start #crying and everything feels like a mess that i have no motivation to clean up #just everything. why did i decide to do this with my life? why couldnt i have chosen a functional career path? #i dont kno what im doing. i dont kno how im going yo get things together for my committee meeting Friday #or how ill get thru it without crying. i dont even kno what i want. i wanna talk to my dad i guess but ive never told anyone in my family #when im having a hard time and i dont kno how to do that without making him worry #ugh. tomorrow's gonna suck. so does today. i just want the semester to be over. but then i cant escape my project. so idk what i want #i want sleep for 1000 years or at least until all my problems are gone #unrelated

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#truely from the bottom of my heart: i dont kno whats happened to my brain #its like im having a breakdown but im just standing still. im not stressed about it. i just feel like its all falling apart #and i dont kno what to do about it. im not eben trying to stop it happening. its like im being run over in slow motion #what the fuck is happening? #unrelated

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#that's me in the corner. thats me in the spotlight crying into a PowerPoint #idk y its so hard for me to function rn #hopefully its over after today. ive just been so weepy. lots of crying at work and then leaving bc i dont wanna be seen crying at work #its so annoying. id like to b able to function again. get more than one thing done #i used to be an overproductive freak. what happened to that person? i think they died. i think i smothered them to death #and now im here with an empty head #unrelated

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:-]

#i hate him. stupid pretty bitch. i want him shivering and covered in blood #my number one character i like to see in mental and physical anguish #vinsmoke sanji #one piece

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Your art is stunning!!!! The way you draw is just so neat and amazing and incredibly unique!!! :-DDD I loveeee it!!!!

Thanks :-]

#i appreciate ur kind words. i am failing to do anything today lol #unrelated

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:-P

#i think about them literally everyday. i don't kno y i dont draw them more #vinsmoke sanji #roronoa zoro #zosan #one piece

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#i dont kno whats wrong with me. ive wasted so much time in the last 2 weeks doing nothing #like. i dont kno how to explain it. its just empty time. i dont kno how to make myself do things #i have things that have to get done so why am i not doing them? #and i dont even like have any things i want to draw. like i dunno. my motivation has disappeared. im not really obsessed with anything #im just wasting the time away #i dont want to do anything. i cant compell myself to do anything. i just want to lay on the floor until time dissappears #its so frustrating. im not even that anxious about anything. i just dont feel anything about anything #unrelated

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:-P

#birthday otter for my mom #or for my dad bc i cant send it to my mom bc she doesnt exist anymore #otter #original art

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:-P

#i cant make drawing work #one piece #zosan #vinsmoke sanji #roronoa zoro

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#ayyy. today was a day. #i overslept and spent the 1st half of the day close to tears for no apparent reason #cried for a while in the garage where they keep the liquid nitrogen tanks and was incapable of reading anything at all #and this is y i have to start taking birth control. bc everything starts falling apart when my period hits. its fucking bullshit #it would b great if i had a normal working brain. i just dont want to deal with anything rn #i dont even wanna draw. i just want to dissolve into the ground. but noooo i have to find 2 papers to read for background info #bc theyre due Friday. and this weekend im gonna have to do a ton of reading bc i have a committee meeting Friday #its just frustrating. itll probably b fine but i wish it was different #unrelated

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#my brain is rotting in my head. i cant focus at all #i have so many papers to read but im just like not reading them. im just avoiding all my problems #and then my dad called to tell me about the eclipse and catch me up on how things r going #and after that i spent a while weeping bc im so far away and its my mom's birthday on Saturday and my sister lives right there #so she gets to just do things with my dad and theyre gonna go to dinner and im stuck out here drowning on nothing #i think its just hormones bc my medication doesnt work as well and i lose focus when my hormones r fucking me over #it sucks tho. its frustrating. i just want to be on the other side of the 19th when i have my committee meeting #unrelated

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#what i did this weekend: got all depressed #which is annoying bc ive been doing so well. im trying to b easy about it #i just got frustrated with myself and now it feels like my head is empty #and im just filling it with t4skmaster to cope #itll b fine. ill do better tomorrow. i just have things that need to get done and no motivation to do them #ugh. it's just frustrating to have my head #unrelated

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:-P

#scribbles bc i feel awful today #boyd is such a poor little meow meow tho. he wants to eat thr flesh of men so bad #john boyd #colonel ives #ravenous 1999 #tw blood

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inspired by boop day, reblog this post if its ok for people to send you random asks and interact on your posts with no judgement. i want to talk to people.

#reblog

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#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought. #i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks. #nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder? #but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student. #everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path. #one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it. #maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for. #unrelated