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goldenamaranthe-blog · 1 month

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Swap!: Hazbin Hotel

-Explosion sends a tidal wave of red, green, purple, blue, and pink dust throughout the hotel. Glitter sparkles amongst the wreckage-

???: *cough-cough* Is everyone alright?

???: Yeah *cough* I'm good. I think.

???: Who the fuck lit off a max glitter bomb?! *cough-hack*

-Dust settles-

Vaggie: What the fuck was that? (pulls a bottle out from the bar and starts slugging)

Lucifer: *gasp* Vaggie! I thought we both agreed that we wouldn't drink in front of the guests!

Vaggie: (raises an eyebrow) What the fuck are you talkin' about? I'm Husk, dumbass.

Lucifer: ......Husk? (looks down at themselves) WHY AM I WEARING MY DAD'S SUIT?!?!?!

Angel: Whoa! Is this what it's like being tall? I LIKE it!!! (sees Lucifer freaking out) Holy Fuck am I short!!!!

Charlie: (checking herself out in the mirror) Hoo-hoooooh, I could definitely get used to this. You sure got the rockin' bod, Toots. I bet you'd look pretty sexy in a little piece of risqué lingerie. (kitty cat claws at the mirror) Me-ow~

Lucifer: (Charlie) Angel, I swear to all of Hell! If you do anything inappropriate in my body!

Charlie: (hops up onto the bar and crosses her legs with a dramatic kick) Whaaaaat? I wouldn't do anything. (wraps arms around Vaggie-Husk's neck) Nothin' outta the usual anyway. Hey, baby, wanna meet me up in the bedroom and get a little re-aqcuainted?~

Vaggie: (Husk) No. (walks away)

Charlie: (falls to the ground) Dammit!!! I was hopin' to get some juicy pics!

Alastor: (suddenly very green, still smiling, and holding his hand to his mouth like he's about to throw up) Alastor! Hrk! When was the last time you- oh god... -you brushed your fucking teeth?! You pompous, cheesy, talkshow, shitlor- FUCK!!! I'M GONNA PUKE!!! (rushes to the nearest potted plant and vomits)

Lucifer: (gasp) Vaggie!!! (rushes to her trapped girlfriend)

Husker: (twirling his tail like a cane and sounding like an old radio) Now, is that really any way to talk about someone, dear? I'm almost insulted.

#chaggie #huskerdust #radioapple by proxie #hazbin hotel #body swap #Husker -> Vaggie #Charlie -> Lucifer #Angel -> Charlie #Alastor -> Husker #Lucifer -> Angel #Vaggie -> Alastor #alastor #lucifer #charlie #angel #husk #vaggie #pure crack #artists have full permission to draw these - just @ me or link so I can see it!

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kenandeliza · 4 months

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A [crack] Brotherly Freddy and Billy comic to start my new year :p

It's based on a random stupid Headcanon where Freddy is much older than Billy [maybe 5 or 7 years older??], making it even ironic for his name to be "Captain Marvel jr", (I also like to think he had a similar reaction to Mary, something like, "I've always wanted a sister!" Then hug her, but since i couldnt draw Mary's poofy hair correctly, one can only imagine ;-;)

#crack comic #pure crack #billy and freddy #billy batson #dc comics #kenandeliza's art #captain marvel #dc characters #shazam #procreate #freddy freeman #big brother freddy freeman #captain marvel jr

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seulgishaku · 1 year

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Percy using the whistle to call Mrs. O Leary in the battle of the labyrinth but instead Jason responds cause he can hear those frequencies and that's how Greeks and Romans meet each other

#hoo #pjo #jason grace #percy jackson #pure crack #makes no sense #op is aware #but surprisingly #she don't care #can you #call this #jercy #yes u can

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hoarder-of-dragons · 1 year

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Lancelot: Hey I'm new in town

Merlin: Hey my bed is free

#Basically what happened #pure crack #random 2 am inspo #merlance #merlin and the knights #merlin #bbc merlin #merlin headcanons #merlin shitposts #merlin emrys #incorrect quotes #merlin incorrect quotes #incorrect merlin quotes #merlin bbc #merlin and arthur #lancelot du lac #sir lancelot du lac #lancelot #this is stupid i’m sorry

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sonicasura · 8 months

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Considering all the shenanigans that happen in every iteration where Autobot-Decepticons duke it out on Earth and they can connect to the Internet... I am legitimately surprise neither piss off a hacker.

At best, clashes between both sides result in minor property damage alongside disturbing the peace. You know that's saying something if this is the preferred option. Plus the whole planet is caught in the crossfire when you take groundbridges and airships into account.

There are people smart enough to hack government systems so whose to say a Cybertronian is safe? A spiteful technical genius could load up a virus where everybot affected feels the dreadful pain of menstruation. Why upload a kill switch when you can be petty as fuck with period cramps?

Even more savage if the hacker has a countermeasure where trying to remove the virus just upgrades it. To what? How about stimulating the pain women feel going through childbirth. There are machines that programmed to do it like in this clip from Impractical Jokers where Q gets strapped to this device for his punishment.

Offender starts at level one as there are 8 stages. Every attempt increases the intensity by a stage. Pretty sure the 2nd or 3rd stage is enough to make one submit.

Probably the most embarrassing(for Cybertronians) yet hilarious(for the hacker) way to end a war. Both sides have to play nice if they want this 'feature' disabled. It's easy to flip it back on in seconds so no psyches.

Humans are bloody space orcs. We come in many flavors with spite and pettiness being some. To do something like this is possible.

#sonicasura #back on my bullshit #maccadam #transformers #transformers series #transformers autobots #transformers decepticons #menstrual cramps #period cramps #inflicting the pain of periods on robots #humans are space orcs #crack #pure crack #crack treated seriously #maybe?#shitpost

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satoshy12 · 4 months

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Killer Croc, Batman and the Baby

It had been already a long time for Waylon Jones that he eat that Orb in the sewers.

So while in a fight against Batman! Killer Croc vomits a baby. Killer Croc: You're gonna help me raise this child! Batman looked at Killer Croc. Batman:" Sure."

Bruce didn't even need a reason or similiar, he has free baby.

#Crack #Pure Crack #batman #dc comics #dc #dcau #Killer Croc #TFS Dragon Ball reference #Bruce doesn't even questing it #Free baby #Baby

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lavendarlily · 7 months

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ectoberhaunt day 10: occultism @ectoberhaunt

mccultism

words: 1698

read it on ao3

cw: death but it's funny

*THIS IS CRACK. like i lost braincells writing this. enjoy.

it's just an innocent summoning ritual.

Sam pulled up in front of Danny’s place, honking her horn twice to let them know she’d arrived. He and Tucker, with Cujo swaddled under Danny’s arm, emerged from the front door, and rushed down to the street.

With her sunglasses lowered, Sam rolled down the window so her friends could hear her. “Get in the car bitches. We’re going culting.”

Danny scoffed at her poor joke and climbed into the front seat, Cujo on his lap, with Tucker sliding into the back.

“Hey!” Sam protested. “Cujo goes in the back - I don’t want him jumping on the steering wheel.”

“That was one time! And I made us intangible before we hit the grocery store!” Regardless, he tossed Cujo towards Tucker, who yelped as the pup assaulted him with slobbery licks.

Turning his attention back to Sam, Danny lowered his voice. “Do you have the goods?”

Sam wiggled her eyebrows and motioned towards the empty seat in the rear. On it sat multiple fast food bags stained with grease.

“Where’s my milkshake?” Tucker complained.

“Ice cream machine was broken.”

Tucker growled in dissatisfaction.

Sam began driving the familiar route towards the Nasty Burger, Danny raising his eyebrows in confusion.

“What are we doing here? We already have the food.”

“Alright! I can get my milkshake!” Tucker yelled from the backseat.

“We’re picking up Valerie from work,” Sam answered, then turned to Tucker, “and you stay in the car. We’re not staying long.”

Pouting, Tucker closed the car door and replaced his seatbelt.

The other passenger door opened and Valerie appeared. She scooched the fast food towards the middle and slid in.

“Hey guys,” she greeted. “Thanks for picking me up, Sam.”

“Any time, although I’m surprised you wanted to come.”

Valerie shrugged. “Nothing better to do, honestly.”

“Fair enough.”

Cujo jumped into Valerie’s lap excitedly, Danny watching through the rearview. He blushed when their eyes met in the mirror and quickly looked away. If anyone else in the car noticed, they didn’t say anything. They were good friends like that.

The drive was fairly long - the spot was a good forty-five minutes out of town. Sam passed the aux cord to Valerie, to Danny’s displeasure (he’d been banned from dj-ing road trips). The car was alive with chatter between the four friends, making the drive fly by.

They eventually pulled up to an empty park. It’d been abandoned by the nearby town after a fire had ravaged it, and the town didn’t have the money to rebuild. It had since become a spot for hookups or drug deals, or in this case, a summoning ritual.

The four headed towards a dilapidated bridge that hung over a dried creek. Walking under it, there was an entrance in the walls to an underground cave system. Danny transformed and went first to scope it out, making sure it was safe for the others. Upon returning he phased his friends down one at a time so as to avoid the dangerous descent.

While Danny could see just fine, the others were lost in the total darkness. Tucker fumbled around until he found his friend’s arm, then broke it in half with a loud crack.

“YOW! What the fuck Tucker?” he yelled, a bright green glow simultaneously radiating from the wound and promptly lighting the cave.

“Chill, you’ll heal in like two minutes. We need light.”

Danny grunted. “It still hurts,” he grumbled.

Ignoring the boys, Sam set down her backpack and began pulling out chalk and candles.

“Light these,” she ordered Valerie, who was currently trying her best to wrangle Cujo in her arms, handing her a box of matches. She passed the dog off to Tucker and started on her task. Meanwhile, Sam used the chalk to draw a near perfect circle complete with a large “M” in the middle.

Danny sat sulking in the corner, rubbing his broken arm. Cujo leapt out of Tucker’s grasp and bounced over to his beloved ghost boy, excited by the sight of the bone sticking out of Danny’s arm.

“ Don’t bite that oOowowwWWw!!!! ”

Tucker shrugged and started helping with placing the candles. Each point where the “M” touched the circle was decorated with 1-2 candles and a variety of french fries, nuggets, and cheeseburgers.

“Tucker! Don’t eat those!” Sam yelled at the boy, who had several fries sticking out from his mouth.

“I’m hungry. Can’t be doing cult shit on an empty stomach.”

“You’re always hungry.”

Tucker glared and swiped a nuggie.

“Danny! Get over here. We’re about to start,” Sam yelled across the cave. Cujo let out a yarf! at her voice and bounded over, jumping up excitedly at her legs. At her look of disgust, Valerie reclaimed the pup in her grasp.

“One sec- I just gotta- OOF! There we go.” Danny had successfully repositioned the bone, skin immediately regenerating and healing the wound, and rejoined the group. He examined the summoning circle before them.

“Looks good. Just one last thing.”

Danny took Cujo from Valerie’s arms and placed him in the middle of the circle.

“Danny!! What-”

Cujo lifted his leg.

Danny clapped his hands together. “Now it’s ready.”

They sat around the circle in a seated position, hands joined. Sam had an open book in front of her, and began rehearsing the lines.

Magic forces

Yellow and red

We reach out to you

Beyond the dead

We call upon you

Ronaldus McDonaldai

To hear our voices

And cross the divide

Your loyal followers

McCultists for life

Summon you now

With our lasting cry!

At this point, all four voices came together.

Ronaldus McDonaldai, Ronaldus McDonaldai, RONALDUS MCDONALDAI!

With the final cry, their voices echoed around the chamber.

And nothing happened.

The four all exchanged looks. “Did we…do something wrong?” Valerie questioned.

“I followed the instructions so carefully!” Sam whined, then glared at Tucker. “Maybe it’s because someone-”

A giant WHOOSH cut Sam off, as green fire and the smell of burning fast food engulfed the cave.

The group screamed.

In the middle of the circle was a friendly looking clown in red and yellow garb. He blinked once, then twice, taking in his surroundings.

Sam leapt up and bowed. “Oh Great One. Thank you for answering our call. We are the McCultists. Please bless us with your wisdom.”

The remaining teens echoed Sam. “Please bless us with your wisdom,” they repeated in unison.

The clown stared straight ahead. “Burgir.”

Sam cocked her head in confusion. “Burgir?”

“Magdonal. Burgir,” the clown recited.

Sam looked at her circle of friends, eyes wide. They all had blank expressions on their faces, also unsure of what to make of their idol’s words.

“Great Ronaldus McDonaldai. We do not understand. What do you need of us?” she tried again.

The clown’s eyes narrowed and his mouth scrunched into a scowl.

“Burgir.”

“We don’t-”

“Burgir,” he repeated, and began violently shaking. “Burgir. Burgir. Burgir .”

The clown’s scalp split like a caterpillar in metamorphosis. The outer layer of the being peeled away slowly, revealing a featureless black body, only a mouth visible. Its limbs were disproportionately long, its lengthy fingers resulting in the hands to resemble forks.

“B̶̔͊ͅͅu̷̧̐͐̈́̍͛r̴̗̅̕ģ̶̟͍̓̈ì̴̡̧̮̥̞͍r̵̡̞̟̗̒̌.” it hissed, then lunged at the teens.

They all screamed, and ran off in separate directions. All except for Cujo, who ran right up to the demon, wagging his tail. The demon grunted, picking up the dog and placing him on its shoulders, then ran after the teens.

It caught Tucker first - clearly upset that the boy had eaten part of the offerings. The demon unhinged its jaw, mouth growing to the size of its body, and swallowed Tucker whole. The same fate was met for Valerie and Danny, who despite their best efforts and combined supernatural powers, could not destroy the demon.

Sam had just made it to the crawl space that led to the exit. She’d squeezed most of her body into the crevice when she felt something grab at her ankle. She screamed as the demon pulled her out, the dirt scratching at her body as she slid.

The demon dangled her in front of its face, analyzing the being responsible for its awakening.

“Please,” she pleaded. “What have we done to upset you, my Lord?”

“B̷̢̨͍̣̘̤̝͎͓̠͓͔̰͇͚͎̫̭͓̝͓̰̈́̑̒̒̎̋͌̑͂͗̋̎̾̐͛̍́́̒͂̀͋̾̈́͘͘̕͝͝͝͝͝ǔ̷̧̝̦̫̳̥̮̖̱̙͓̠̪̖͓̱̗̟̳͉̠̦̰̝́̃̄̎̎̋͘͜͜ͅr̷̨̳̙̦̟̭̘͂̆̑̊̊͑̃̉̅͐͌̈̃̀͆̽͘g̸̨̯̣̞̤͚͍͍̘͓͙̮̰̾̌̀̀͜ĩ̵̡̛̛̦͚͍̩̠̦̥̲̖̪̤̯͇̍̈́̾̒̅̔͋́̾̌̇̀̋̊̚͝ȑ̶̢̧̨̩̳̜̹͚͇̭͎͙̠͙͔͇͙͙̪̈́̐̓͐̂̋̓̈́͗͜͝,” it said, then swallowed her whole.

“M̶̙̈́̊m̸̧̀̊m̶̧͚̖͆͆.̸̣̾ ̵̨̱̺́B̴̻̼̑͒̈͜é̸ͅe̷͈͗͛̓f̴̝̱̈́̍ͅy̴̺̕̕.”

———————

Sam rubbed her eyes, groaning at the hard surface she’d found herself on. She slowly opened them to see her friends all in the same state of confusion.

“Where are we?” she asked, looking around.

“Hi! Welcome to Maccers Prison. How can I help you?” a cheery voice appeared.

In front of the group floated a ghost in a black visor and apron with a yellow and red insignia threaded into the fabric.

“Prison?” Valerie questioned.

“Maccers?” Danny echoed.

A ruckus from behind startled the teens, and they turned towards the commotion. A rabid miniature poodle in a fedora was running around with nuggies flying from their grasp as a blob ghost chased them, screaming for them to release the nuggies. In the corner, a woman laughed maniacally as she typed away on her computer, while a small group around her begged through tears for her to stop, something about her Torturing the Boy. Across the room a pirate was sparring with another dog-like creature, characterized by an exceptionally blocky appearance.

“Is this…Hell?” Tucker asked.

The ghost that had greeted them brought their fingers to their mouth and let out a loud whistle that caught the attention of the other inmates. Their heads all snapped up.

“Hey! We’ve got some fresh beef over here. Care to give them their orientation?”

The collection of beings simultaneously grinned, and moved in on the newcomers.

“Maccers. Maccers. Maccers. Maccers. Maccers. Maccers,” they chanted.

The teens scrambled up and looked for an exit, any way out. There was no door to be seen. Cornered, Sam pounded on the walls, hoping that by some miracle there was someone on the other side who could save them. Danny attempted to wail, but instead of his deadly cry, he made a sound like that of a squeaky toy.

Their screams for help slowly dissipated as they became unwilling members of the Maccers Jail for eternity.

**playlist credit to @hannahmanderr & @duchi-nesten

#ectoberhaunt23 #eh23 #eh magic #day 10 #occultism #lavswordvomit #CRACK #pure crack #enjoy this garbage

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xxsircharlesxx · 4 months

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*The Company sitting together*

Bilbo: Happy New Year!!

*Cheers*

Kili: Why do people always say “Happy New Year”? Like, why can’t it be “Unhappy New Year”?

Fili: Well, one (1): that doesn’t work, and two (2): because why is it unhappy?

Nori: No, that makes sense. Because Happy New Year is so overrated, but nothing else works and-

Bofur: *very drunk* WHY AREN’T YOU LETTING THE NEW YEAR BE HAPPY *crying*

Ori: Well, you could just say “New Year!” But then that also doesn’t work, and the New Year is meant to be optimistic which is why people say “Happy New Year”.

Balin: Well, if you want to get technical-

Dwalin: No, we’re not having THAT argument again. Oin had to stitch up 5 people last year because of the fight that broke out.

Thorin: *standing up* Can we all please stop discussing this. It’s the New Year and we don’t need to discuss this every New Year- plus Bilbo’s left the room, again. So stop.

Gloin: ..but why do we say Happy New Year-

#idk #this is just something I thought of #pure crack #the hobbit #thorin oakenshield #bilbo baggins #kili durin #fili durin #nori #bofur #ori #balin #dwalin #gloin

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lilapplesheadcannons · 2 months

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Nie MingJue, the unintentional kidnapper

Or that time A-Yuan almost got adopted into the Nie Sect

Nie MingJue is starting to get slightly uncomfortable. Sure, it has been decades since HuaiSang was a toddler (two decades, to be more specific), but surely toddlers need to blink more? The child is looking at him like he is the most mesmerising vision it has ever seen in its entire 4 years on earth.

He tries to glance through the door without being too intruding. He understands there is a touching reunion happening somewhere inside, and God knows he doesn't want to interrupt the Jiangs screaming and crying and hitting and hugging their wayward prodigal demonic cultivator, but surely someone else can take the child? Is it not a cousin of the Ghost General and her terrifying sister? Now he thinks about it, he is not so sure they are very fit guardians if they are willing to abandon their charge to any random cultivator. And the worst part is A-Yao, the person best suited to deal with this situation, has left with them, presumably trying to find a quieter resting place for the Wen remnants away from the chaos that is the 100 days celebration of the newest Jin baby.

He flinches when a soft finger cautiously pokes his cheek. The child grins guilelessly at him and says, "Pretty gege!"

Nie MingJue blushes to the root of braids. That's it! This child is obviously surrounded by unreliable people who would teach him utter nonsense or dump him in the middle of enemy territories, so as a responsible adult, it is his solemn duty to adopt the child (a boy? It is dressed as one, but who knows with Wei Wuxian?) and take it to Qinghe. He stands up with the child under one armpit, the child seemingly unbothered by being dangled like a sack of potatoes.

"He's mine!"

Lan Xichen's baby brother looks just as angry as he did on the day they first met, when he ended up biting HuaiSang. Except now he is almost as tall as MingJue, and he has already put the tip of his finger on his sword.

Rude!

Nie MingJue, a sect leader and the chief cultivator, is an older brother first and foremost. How can he resist ruffling Lan Er-Gongji's already ruffled feathers even more?

"I didn't know Wangji had a child."

Wangji bristles even further, reminding him of the time he accidentally stepped on Second Mother's cat's tail.

The child waves at him from his precarious position, "Rich Gege!"

Does Wangji's eyes soften a little? Nie MingJue can swear he saw a crack of smile in his lips. Surely, he is just hallucinating. The child chirps out again, "Pretty Gege!" pointing at MingJue. The room temperature plummets several degrees.

"GIVE HIM TO ME!"

If Wangji doesn't want to take over from Lan Laoshi, he can easily earn his living teaching enunciation to rich masters. Nue MingJue heard every syllable distinctly, including the single exclamation mark at the end. Is he serious?

Nie MingJue stares at him. He has heard rumours. The light bearing lord! The war has done awful things to the cultivators. Once kind, just men have been reduced to butchers with enough trauma to last a few lifetimes, but surely it hasn't changed the upright young man in front of him to such an extent that he was willing to...

He moves the child from underneath his arm and settles him down on the ground behind him.

"Look here, Wangji, he is just a child..."

He gets interrupted again by the same clear, obstinate tone.

"Give him to me! Now!"

Has Wangji lost it? Does he want to kill a child, practically a baby, to avenge his father and his sect? Does he really think he can get away with killing the adopted child of Wei Wuxian when Wei Wuxian himself was just a few doors away? Not to mention the Ghost General and the Jiang sect leader in the vicinity?

You can probably cut the tension with a blunt sabre. That's the first thing Lan Xichen notices when he walks in, the second thing being his brother and his best friend locked in a staring contest. Wangji looks like he is ready to start a fight, and Da-Ge has that little mocking smile, which means he is happy to indulge. Behind him, little A-Yuan is studiously examining the pattern on the carpet.

Wangji breaks the stare first. He turns to his big brother and says, almost petulantly,

"He's not giving A-Yuan back!"

Lan Xichen smiles and shakes a deprecating finger at MingJue in mock sensor,

"Now, now, what do you mean by not handing over my nephew to my brother? Da-ge! If you indeed want a child,..."

Wait a second! The jibe about the child being Wangji's, that was purely a taunt. Is it true? Did Wangji really have a child? A 4 years old? But, he begs your biggest pardon, Wangji is a child himself! How can he have a child? When? With whom?

Having his sympathetic brother on his side seems to encourage Wangji to speak further.

"A-Yuan called him pretty!"

If only people could see their Light bearing Lord pouting! Xichen tuts.

"For shame, Da-Ge!"

But before Nie MingJue can demand explanation, A-Yuan decides he has had enough of the carpet and stands up, then walks over to Lan Wangji in a brisk, businesslike manner, who bends down to pick him up without breaking eye contact with Nie MingJue and pointedly kisses the child's forehead.

Nie MingJue is pretty sure he is having a Qi deviation right now. Ah well, there are worse ways to go, he supposes.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #mdzs crack #pure crack #nie mingjue #lan wangji #a yuan #wen yuan #lan xichen #Just imagine Wei Wuxian brought the whole burial mound to the Carp Tower for Jin Ling's 100 days celebration #of course he and the Jiang siblings have a lot to catch up on #and Jin ZiXuan needs to hold the baby while patting Jiang Yanli on the back #And Jin GuangYao needs to somehow accommodate few extra dozen of people! Managerial nightmare!!#Wait! Nie MingJue is just sitting there! Let him mind the toddler for a while!#Lan Wangji believes his precious son almost got kidnapped by the chief cultivator

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orangeboulevard · 12 days

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The Comforts I Find In Your Shadows

(Rick x Gojo, Gojo x Aragorn, Aragorn x Rick)

I can't even say I was double dog dared to do this because I wasn't. Also I haven't watched jjk I watched one video of Gojo for this amazing opportunity.

Words: 842

In a world ravaged by the undead, Rick Grimes had learnt that good things don't often come by but when they do, you better hold onto them.

Gojo Satoru was his good thing. Gojo was his best friend, his support through the hard times -when they were starving and dehydrated, burning under the summer sun, when Lori died and when they were being threatened and attacked by The Governor.-, he had saved his life countless amounts of times back when Rick was still a naive and wide-eyed sheriff from Atlanta and he was what was keeping him up in the dead of night. Those blue eyes stirred hot feelings in his lower abdomen, they were in his mind when he was gasping and whimpering, they were in his mind when he felt disgusted with himself afterwards.

He shook himself from his thoughts, they served him no purpose besides conjuring painful feelings of want and desire in his chest, and clambered out of bed, he was due for patrol around the perimeter of Alexandria in about twenty minutes which left him with just enough time to brush his teeth, change his clothes and grab a bite to eat before leaving the house. He rubbed at the stumble that was starting to break on his jaw as he breathed in the fresh air, this was something he had missed and would never take for granted again- waking up to a beautiful neighbourhood and feeling somewhat secure.

He greeted the few people that were awake and about their business at the early hours of the morning, one of these such people was Aragorn. Rick offered a friendly smile that was met with a respectable nod. Aragorn.... Aragorn was a tricky subject to approach, the poor man did not speak English nor any other language the residents of Alexandria spoke.

His steely grey eyes were aged by years beyond him, Rick guessed that they were around the same age- late thirties, early forties-. His rugged countenance was emphasised by his choices of clothing, archaic looking trousers and shirts- when he'd first arrived, he was wearing a cloak, an actual cloak. Rick figured that either when the apocalypse had started, Aragorn had been at a fancy dress party or Aragorn was some sort of LARPer, it made some certain degree of sense, the man did bear a sword on his hip at all times and his mannerisms were entirely bizzare- it may just be a mental disorder, however.

Rick found himself forced from his musings by a gentle touch against his lips, he flinched back as his eyebrows raised in shock and confusion. Aragorn was holding a strawberry to his lips with an expectant look. Rick couldn't help but break out in a smile, sure the man was... odd but he was sweet and he took his job as a gardener in Alexandria very seriously. Rick closed his lips around the strawberry as he took a bite, he missed the way Aragorn flushed and had to look off to the side.

Rick's eyes closed and he let out an involuntary sound of satisfaction, it had been too long since he'd savoured the sweet taste of a strawberry- another good thing he'd better hold onto. He opened his eyes to see Aragorn gazing at the ground beside him, Rick offered him the last of the strawberry and tried to convey how good it was with his bright grin. Aragorn pushed Rick's hand towards his mouth, taking the rest of the small fruit. Aragorn let a small smile paint his features, making him look a lot younger than he did normally.

Rick patted the man's shoulder before continuing on his journey to Alexandria's gate, he missed the way Aragorn's disappointed gaze followed his shrinking figure.

Gojo was there to greet him at the gate and Rick hoped to God his best friend couldn't hear how his heart sped up at the sight of him, the traitorous creature that it was.

"Rick! My student, there you are! I was starting to wonder if I'd somehow been scheduled for a double shit," Gojo joked as he ran a hand through his platinum locks, his eyes locked onto Rick's own behind his dark shades.

"Ahah, sorry, got caught up back there by Aragorn. Didja' see? He's got some strawberry plants goin' on, real ripe," he swallowed, why did every word seem to stick to his gullet and refuse to come out?

"Aragorn?" Gojo's voice became slightly higher, "No way! I gotta get some of those."

"Uh, yeah but befo-"

"Sorry, Rick, I'm just gonna go see Aragorn, I'll see ya later, buddy," Gojo playfully punched Rick's shoulder and Rick just grinned and nodded, hoping his disappointment wasn't too evident on his face.

Rick sighed as Gojo practically skipped off, he decided to concentrate on the task at hand: boring, monotonous walking around the whole of Alexandria.

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goldenamaranthe-blog · 25 days

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Ducks vs Horses: Helluva Hazbin

Lucifer: Ducks!

Blitz: Horses!

Lucifer: Ducks!!!

Blitz: Horses!!!

Charlie: What are they doing?

Vaggie: Apparently, that imp, Blitz, saw your dad in horse form on the news and came to tell him that he was "fucking majestic". Somehow it turned into a battle of horses vs ducks.

Lucifer: (pulls a majestic looking rubber duck out of his pocket) DUCKS!!!

Blitz: (pulls a toy horse out of his pocket) HORSES!!!

Lucifer: (leans in) DUUUUUUCKS!!!

Blitz: (presses his face against Lucifer's) HOR-SES!!!!

Lucifer: .....Duck sized horses?

Blitz: .....Horse sized ducks?

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

-Channel 666 News Theme Plays-

Katie Killjoy: Good evening, denizens of Hell. The top story tonight is a wild herd of duck sized horses have taken siege of Pentagram City while a fleet of horse sized ducks have taken to the skies.

#helluva boss #blitzo #blitz #hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar #ducks #horses #horse sized ducks #duck sized horses #pure crack

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noose-lion · 3 months

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I'm a serious and respectable artist.

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the-true-noodles · 8 months

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incorrect miraculous ladybug quotes 2! (because we need more of them)

part 1

Nathalie: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka.

Nathalie: *upends the bottle*

*Marinette's second day of interning for Gabriel*

Gabriel: Hand me the people opener.

Marinette: ...

Marinette: Pardon?

Gabriel, annoyed: The people opener! Just hand it to me!

Marinette, stressed: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PEOPLE OPENER?

Gabriel: How do you not know what a people opener is? Its pointy- you know? With a handle?

Marinette: Knife. It's called a knife.

Adrien: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!

Nathalie: Hey- what are you doing-?

Adrien, shoving an oreo into their mouth: I am saving space :D

Gabriel: Would it be discrimination to only hire employees at my doughnut shop who have the same name?

Nathalie: Legally, I don't believe that breaches any discrimination laws. Morally though... I don't know.

Gabriel: I believe god is on my side when it comes to Duncans' Doughnuts.

Chat Noir: honk.

Gabriel: WHAT.

Chat Noir: HONK.

Gabriel: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????

Ladybug: So, what's it like living with Hawkmoth?

Mayura: They once referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter."

Ladybug: ...

Mayura: I love him so much.

Mayura: Where's Chat Noir?

Hawkmoth: Don't worry, I'll find them.

Hawkmoth, shouting: Ladybug sucks!

Chat Noir, distantly: Ladybug is the best person ever! Fuck you!

Hawkmoth: Found them.

Nathalie: I just heard Gabriel call the dog a “fucking liar” because he barked like someone was at the door and no one was there.

Chat Noir: You know, Hawkmoth, when you generalize, you tell general... lies.

Hawkmoth: ...

Hawkmoth: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns.

Nathalie: How are you gonna carve a gigantic pumpkin?

Gabriel: The same way I make onion rings!

Gabriel: *grabs a chainsaw*

Nino: Hey, you want a tarot reading?

Gabriel: Those are Pokemon cards.

Nino You got a magikarp.

Gabriel: ...

Nino: It means 'fuck you'.

Hawkmoth: Here's two facts about me.

Hawkmoth: 1. I hate hot people.

Hawkmoth: 2. I'm a hypocrite.

*the day this man goes out of the house by himself*

Gabriel: Keep it running. *Tosses keys over shoulder into empty parking lot.*

Ladybug: You ever see something that changes your life and you're just like "huh.."

Chat Noir: I saw you.

Ladybug: Honestly that's so cute and sweet but it kinda makes this awkward because I was gonna show you a picture of Hawkmoth in a turkey costume.

Marinette: My hands are cold.

Adrien: Here, let me hold them.

Marinette: My lips are cold too.

Adrien: *covers Marinette's mouth with their hand*

Gabriel: If we lose, you’re out of the will.

Nathalie: I was in the will?

Nathalie: Are you having another depressive episode?

Gabriel: A depressive episode?

Gabriel: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.

Gabriel, entering the room: *Sees Adrien and leaves*

Adrien, watching Gabriel leave: There’s my monthly dose of my dad…

*Marinette and Nathalie are planning to break in somewhere to save Adrien without Gabriel knowing he was missing*

Marinette: We need to distract the guards.

Nathalie: Right.

Marinette: What are we gonna do?

Nathalie: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes.

Marinette:

Nathalie:

Marinette: Deal.

Hawkmoth You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me.

Chat Noir: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do.

Adrien: *Gasp*

Marinette: wHAT??

Adrien: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Marinette: *inhales*

Gabriel, in another room with Nathalie: Why can I hear screeching?

*during a temporary ceasefire because reasons??*

Ladybug: Hawkmoth learned how to fold origami penguins from Chat Noir the other day. I told them, “I feel a little bad for the penguins, it’s hot here”, and the next day they put them in the fridge.

Gabriel: Where did you get that tomato soup?

Adrien: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

Gabriel: Christmas is cancelled.

Adrien: You can't cancel a holiday.

Gabriel: Keep it up, Adrien, and you'll lose New Year's too.

Adrien: What does that mean?

Gabriel: Nathalie, take New Year's away from Adrien.

Hawkmoth: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".

Gabriel, digging their grave: Long story short, this is my grave.......Want me to make you one too?

*marinette's internship is something i want to think would be really funny*

Marinette: Hey, wanna help me commit arson?

Gabriel: What the hell!?

Marinette: Oh, sorry, my bad.

Marinette, whispering: Wanna help me commit arson?

Gabriel, whispering: Of course. What do you need?

Marinette: So, are you two friends?

Gabriel: Yes.

Natalie: No.

Chat Noir: You use emoji’s like a straight person.

Hawkmoth: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

Gabriel: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind.

Gabriel: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.

Gabriel: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?

Nathalie: This is Monopoly.

Hawkmoth: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

Gabriel, putting their hands over Nathalie's eyes: Guess who!

Nathalie: It's either Gabriel or the cold, clammy hands of death.

Gabriel, putting their hands away: It's Gabriel!

Nathalie: Dammit.

Ladybug: We need to open this locked door. Nathalie, give me your credit card.

Nathalie: Here.

Ladybug, pocketing it: Thanks. Chat, cataclysm the door.

Nathalie: When was the last time you cried?

Adrien: Uh 15 minutes ago, why??

Nathalie: really? That recent?

Adrien: Yeah *voice crack* is that a issue? *starts crying again*

Ladybug: Why are you always trying to aggravate me?

Hawkmoth: To relax.

*Something crashes*

Adrien: Shoot-

Gabriel: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?!

Nathalie: *walking by the room calmly* What died?

(sorry for taking so long)

#chat noir #gabriel agreste #hawkmoth #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fandom #mlb fandom #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #mayura #ladybug #incorrect miraculous ladybug quotes #crack #pure crack #nathalie sancoeur #i think this was all of the tags #funny

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aladaylessecondblog · 18 days

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Red Mountain Waffle House Pt. 1

A job, the skooma-head (or sugartooth around here) had said. But she'd have to come up with some cover by doing some favors for the Fighters' Guild and Mages' Guild. And collect some information from them, too...honestly, it was such a load of shit and the guy looked so crazy Sadara could only make quick excuses before rushing out the door.

A spymaster for the Blades? That guy was crazy, and obviously lying. And that package, who knew what was actually in it. Probably she was just made into some kind of drug mule, and she wasn't eager to get into THAT business, however profitable it might be. That business about the Emperor was obviously some kind of front.

Why the port at Seyda Neen had insisted on giving her those papers and what they meant - it wasn't going to be HER problem any longer. She'd find her own way just like she always had.

Emperor my ass, that was probably a smuggler taking a lofty title.

Guarshit. Absolute guarshit. She didn't feel the least bit bad about lifting a couple cigarettes from Caius's stash--not like he was using them anyway, not from how dusty they were and how blistered that spoon under his bed looked.

Jiub, she had to find Jiub. If that man was good at anything it was finding a way to land on his feet. Murder charges - what did that really matter, he'd been charged with murder before and gotten off every time.

Sadara found herself mainly hunting cliffracers for awhile, remembering Jiub saying now and then in a skooma-induced haze that he had a dream to eradicate them. Not that she would herself, but it was a profitable venture, even if it did result in a few new scars. Between Balmora and Ald'ruhn she'd trek, selling the plumes and anything else she might have found on the way there.

Not a glamorous living, but she'd see Jiub every now and then in Ald'ruhn and a friend she saw now and then was better than nothing. He was pursuing a similar course of action on a different track, though when she mentioned she'd like to have an actual job and not just live by freelancing, he promised to keep an ear out for something.

In this cycle did she live for several months before finding that, on a new visit to Ald'ruhn, Jiub wasn't where he'd usually be.

A letter waited for her instead.

Sadara,

Remember how you said you wanted a steady job that didn't involve freelancing? I've got something that might suit you. They just opened up a Waffle House in the Red Mountain region. Shithole neighborhood, but it's steady work and they'll take basically anyone, even if you've got priors. Lucky for me, huh?

Anyway, I told the manager I had someone in mind and they're willing to hold a job for you. Just show up, try not to be too drunk, and the job's yours. (I'll be honest, I'm looking for someone to split the rent on my new place with too, and it's not a good idea to live alone here anyway.)

P.S. I included some gold, buy me a pack of Balmora Lights before you head up here.

-----------------------------

There weren't that many houses and such on the outside of the Ghostfence...as if civilization just stopped at its border. The silt strider stop was covered in graffiti, and someone was asleep underneath the bench at the foot of the stairs.

"Has the tower fallen?" a male voice called out. He lifted his head. "The red tower! It burns!"

Oh, so not asleep just yet.

"Tower's fine, man, go back to sleep."

That seemed to satisfy the mer, and he went quiet again. Sadara headed on to the Ghostgate entrance itself, and after being warned about the blight winds for what had to be the millionth time so far since she arrived in Morrowind, she pulled her turtleneck up, tilted her hat down, and tried to keep her eyes on the directions on her phone screen.

It really is just like home.

Now she was on the road to it, though, she was at leisure to think about why the Empire would put a Waffle House in the Red Mountain region anyway. Sure there were other restaurants, but mainly hole-in-the-wall type places catering to the ebony miners and buoyant armigers. Local places. A Waffle House was an Imperial thing, and it seemed like this was the LAST place they'd want to have one. This wasn't exactly Hlaalu territory.

It was a Hlaalu kind of move, though, to put Imperial stuff where it wasn't--

The building appeared in her sight when she rounded a corner. The blight winds didn't ease up a bit, but it was hard to miss the glaring yellow of the sign overhead -

WAFFLE HOUSE

A lighthouse in the red fog of this absolute wasteland.

Sadara struggled forward, thinking only of getting out of the dusty wind, and--

--nearly fell on her ass.

Groaning, she looked down, noting a brief glitter among the red grit at her feet. She reached down and picked up...a ring? Pretty polished silver with a moon, a burned bronze star, and a small diamond (or a fake, it was hard to tell) set in the middle. It looked valuable and she couldn't figure why it would be out here. Maybe someone was stealing it and just happened to drop it here while on the rung?

It slipped so nicely onto the ring finger of her right hand, too.

She decided to consider it a gift from above, and headed on into the Waffle House before she wasted any more time out in the storm.

----------------------------------------------------------

Jiub was right. The manager, a thin elderly Dunmer woman, seemed fairly reasonable about her application.

"My name's Nibani Maesa, I'm the manager here. You didn't show up drunk or blasted out of your mind, that's already a point in your favor. Have you waited tables before?"

"Yeah, a few times. Once for a place in Bravil and then a couple different places in Leyawiin."

"Have you got priors?"

"A few bar fights." Sadara paused when the woman gave her a look. "Being drunk in public...possession."

"Can you handle yourself if you're attacked?"

"I lived on the Waterfront in the Imperial City for two years, I can handle anything with my fists."

That seemed to satisfy her and after a few questions more the woman gave a nod. "You've got the job. Whatever Jiub told you, though, we've got rules. Don't fuck in the freezer, don't sleep in the storage, and if you absolutely HAVE to smoke skooma, do it in the bathroom like a civilized mer. We clear?"

"Yeah, but...people fuck in the freezer?" Sadara's hands came up as she laughed.

"Don't ask. So long as..." Nibani's exasperated tone faded off rather suddenly, and her gaze was directed at Sadara's right hand. "That ring, where did you get it?"

"Huh? Oh, is it yours?" She held her right hand out. "I found it outside...looks nice, doesn't it?"

She started to take it off, but was surprised when Nibani stopped her.

"No, no, it's not mine, but you might want to be careful showing it off around here, especially if the buoyant armigers drop by."

The woman muttered something else under her breath, something Sadara was certain she wasn't intended to hear.

"Azura preserve me..."

"What about the corprus monsters everyone keeps saying are all over the place?"

"Oh no, the corprus monsters are easy by comparison. Lesson one - put something on the jukebox that's catchy with an easy repeating beat, and they'll forget what they were mad about."

"What about, uh...the smarter ones? I've heard there are..."

"Be polite and they're fine. And try to ignore the religious proselytizing they're doing, no matter how nice the pamphlets are or how much you might like the painting on the covers. Seems every year they get an artist to add another set of abs to the picture of their god on the front."

"They WHAT."

"Rule number two," Nibani lit up a cigarette, "Don't ask anyone that follows him about the devil of Dagoth. They'll keep you at their table half the night and do nothing but say how glorious you could be in his service and how we're all meant to serve a higher power. Some nonsense about dreams, that sort of thing. You understand."

"Suppose I accidentally get roped into the conversation?"

"Be polite...but noncommittal. And don't get your hands too close to their mouths - the ones that still have a mouth, anyway. They'll bite you and you'll catch corprus. We've got gloves for when we need to serve people that've got it."

"Why not just stop them coming in?"

"Because their gold spends just as well as anyone else's...and if they bring in one of their amulets, we take those too. They're symbols of that devil but they're valuable enough to pay your rent for a few months."

"So..." Sadara paused, a a little awkwardly. "When do I start?"

"Tomorrow," Nibani replied, "You're rooming with Jiub, right? How do you feel about the night shift? Would be safer for you to go back and forth in this neck of the woods if you've got someone to go with."

"Night shift's fine...and thanks. For thinking about my safety."

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sonicasura · 3 days

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A Pokemon Trainer gets dropped into the Godzilla/Kong Monsterverse, how much chaos will that one person cause?

People from the Pokemonverse is guaranteed to make any normal person's headspin upon comparing the differences between both worlds. Sure the kaijus close a lot of damage but they are like tidal waves about it. It happens yet not all the time. Meanwhile Pokemon are so common that getting zapped by a electric rat or your neighbors fire breathing dog keeps burning your flowers is normal.

Know that church up the hill? Well a living soul eating candle named Mr Funky lives there and has a habit of stealing people's lunches. A Pokemon Trainer would thinks normal while any Monsterverse character will have a thousand mile stare hearing about it. This is just simple slice of life shit I'm talking about here!

A Pokemon Trainer wouldn't be that surprised or scared encountering an actual kaiju. They'll probably even admire them and throw compliments when you think of it. Godzilla surfaces cause the trainer is radiating some strange aura so he's ready to fight the current nuisance.

He ain't prepared to the discover this new disturbance is just an odd human whose giving the big grumpy kaiju compliments and isn't bat shit terrified about being crushed. I definitely think Godzilla is the type to follow someone if they pique his interest so congrats to the trainer for doing it without bringing out their Pokemon. Although Big G is absolutely a possessive fucker when it comes to claims.

The King of Monsters wouldn't feel so offput by PT's team and instead just sorta feel at home. He doesn't exactly fit anywhere but neither do they. Plus they actually behave and not cause trouble unlike most kaiju he knows.

I'm also the type to indulge in the potential chaos of a kaiju being smitten with a Pokemon. (Goodra, Tyranitar, Baxcalibur are a few choices that haunt me if it involves Godzilla. Big G got two paws with Mothra having one.) MONARCH being driven up the wall as they already have to deal with potential offspring from two different kaiju species. They rather not have a third option be added to the mix.

Also the trainer in question is already impossible to track down. They could have a Pokemon like Solgaleo, Hoopa or Lunala to travel between dimensions with ease. Whose to say the trainer also has a 'mon that can use Teleport to escape every ambush MONARCH sets?

Plus dimensional travel has a habit of acting off at times. Like the Trainer could show up on Skull Island during Kong: Skull Island and then later shows up around the time Ghidorah gets freed. Only common factor is that Godzilla or King Kong is involved.

I'm not forgetting about the Pokemon throwing down against a kaiju either. When you consider Dynamax/Gigantamax/Mega Evolutions/etc exist, size absolutely doesn't matter cause a well trained Maushold can beat up Arceus(Pokemon's equivalent to God) with little issue. A Focus Blast to the face will hurt more than a missile.

Imagine how insane it would get if the Pokemon Trainer can utilize Dynamax on their team whenever and wherever. You do collect Dynamax Energy in the form of Watts, Wishing Stones and Wish Pieces in Sword/Shield. Finding a workaround is possible.

Half of MONARCH is about to quit when that small yellow electric mouse turns into a kaiju sized chonker.

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