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bsd-fan · 11 months

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Chuuya´s analysis part 2: Humanity and contradictions

Stormbringer is by far the most important piece if we want to understand chuuya because this is the moment his view of life is challenged. We follow chuuya through stormbringer, we get to see how doubtful, scared and confused he is about his humanity and we also see a side of him that he constantly hides.

“I told you, Chuuya”

He looked up in the direction of the sudden voice. It was a familiar voice, one that belonged to the person he hated most in this world.

“Your birth itself was a mistake. We´re the same. Is there really a point to suffering through all that pain for a life that isn´t even real?” - Hallucination of Dazai. Stormbringer

Dazai and Chuuya constantly claim the hate they have for each other. A lot of that hate is because their history of them being assholes with each other, a lot of it is just posturing but a lot of it is because of this. They share the same problem but the way they face it is incompatible. Especially on chuuya´s side. During sb we learn that Chuuya /understands/ Dazai, not because he tries to but because deep down he thinks the same. But he /never/ lets himself think about this, because if he does he will drown and he can´t do that.

You can ignore most of this analysis because the only real important thing to understand is that chuuya is a figher.

That´s his core as a character.

Chuuya fights every godamn hour of every day. He fights with himself, he fights against his ability, he fights for his humanity, he fights for the people he loves, he fights when everyone already gave up. He has lost /so much/ through his life and never complains about it, he keeps going on because that´s what he was taught to do. He has gave up so many things. He can´t say that he is tired, he can´t be afraid, he can´t stop because he was conditioned to be the last man standing not matter what and that´s what he does. Because he has people he cares about and that depend on him so he can´t fall, he can´t ask for help and damn sure he can´t let himself sulk and think about the futility of all, he can´t go with dazai´s nihilistic mentality not matter how much of it he secretly shares because he can´t stop fighting. That would ultimately break him. Chuuya´s outwordly drive to keep advancing despite all the horrible things that happen to him is only possible because he never stops to think about this.

So in a lot of ways, Dazai is like a punch in the face. it´s his worse fears and hidden thoughts in a human form. Dazai, especially 15-18 year old Dazai represents everything he fights about himself. So yes, when I say that chuuya makes a constant, conscious effort to avoid understanding Dazai I´m talking about this (and that´s like half of it, because Dazai´s coping mechanisms also directly clash with chuuya´s whole ideology. Honestly is kinda impressive how Dazai manages to trigger chuuya to that degree)

Now, going back to the analysis I want to say that Stormbringer doesn´t really bring anything new to chuuya´s character, it just consolidates what was already there. It´s when chuuya finally realized something we´ve known all along and it´s because of this that he can finally solve his inner conflict.

“I can feel their lives burning right here, inside me, and till those flames die down. I can´t just do whatever I want. I´m gonna do what I need to. That´s who I am”- Chuuya, stormbringer

“-Why don´t you get it? There isn´t anything you need to do! Live how you want to live! Destroy what you want to destroy! Because there´s only one thing we needed to do, and that was to not be born!(...)

-Just shup up- Chuuya´s eyes burned with fierce determination. -Maybe that´s what you wanna do, but don´t shove your belief down my throat. Cause that ain´t ´t how I feel at all.

Several shadow ran thorugh the light in his eyes.

His friends in the sheep.

His friends in the Port Mafia.

The light in his eyes was determination. It was the powerful brilliance of humankind, something gaines only through encounters and partings with other people.

-You´ve been completely wrong from the very start- Chuuya spat in disgust- “Being born was a mistake”? Sounds like the kind of garbage Dazai would spew, and no way in hell am I ever gonna think the way he does!”- Verlaine and chuuya, stormbringer.

This scene is so important to chuuya´s development as a character because this is the first time he defines himself as an individual in his own terms and independently of his origin. He is a person, and he is the kind of person that will do what it needs to be done and he will do it for the people that is important to him. That´s simply who he is. That´s his identity as a human being. That´s why I get mad when people are fighting about chuuya´s humanity. Yes, at the end is really hinted that he is the original one but that´s not important. Because the whole point of the novel is that humanity is more than origin. It doesn´t matter if chuuya was born as a human being or created in a lab because at the end of the day he is human because of the ties he has with the people around him.

Different from Dazai, Chuuya gets this solution from existentialism. Existentialism is a form of philosophy that explores the issue of human existence. Existencialism basically says that purpose and meaning in life doesn´t come from external forces such as God, fate or a bigger power but instead is entirely determined by ourselves and that´s exactly what chuuya does. It doesn´t matter that life in senseless, it doesn´t matter if he was created only as a weapon, it doesn´t matter if he shouldn´t have existed in the first place. None of it matters. Because he is already here and he will give himself a purpose. And God, I´m gonna stop here to say that this is such a chuuya thing to do. He fights what everyone around him is telling him and he fights himself, yes, he may understand Dazai and verlaine´s nihilistic mentality but he ultimately decides to reject it. Chuuya will fight even the absurdity of life, in a way is fucking hilarious and as a Dazai kinnie I can wholeheartedly understand how this is so annoying for him. Because here we are needing sense, getting paralyzed because of the ucertainty of the world and just trying to keep living despite being constantly overwhelmed because the aburdity of all and then there are people like chuuya that realized the same thing but they keep going, people like chuuya that just push their way through life like it´s not a big deal, people like chuuya that never give up even when is the logical thing to do. And as maddening as it is, maybe this is the real reason why Chuuya is my favorite character, he can do something I don´t. His will to fight despite everyting? How he gets up every single time? is not something I can do.

Okay so sorry for the projection in the middle of it. Let´s continue with the analysis.

The whole point is that Chuuya doesn´t care if his reason to keep going is not trascendental, he doesn´t care if it´s illogical, he doesn´t care if in the great scheme of things it doesn´t mean anything. Because it´s important to him, it´s enough to him and that´s all that matters. Chuuya has people he loves, he has emotional ties with them and Chuuya clings to them with desperation because it is what impulses him to keep going. I need you to understand this, every single character is bsd have people they love and appreciate but for chuuya? it´s a whole different deal. They are so much more than that. They are not only people he loves, they are the direct representation of his humanity (which I remind you is the most important aspect of his characterization) he finds a purpose and a sense in this bonds, he finds an /identity/ thanks to this bonds. And that´s why he will do absolutely everything to preserve them. Yes, the biggest difference between Chuuya and kunikida is that when chuuya says that he will do what needs to be done, he is not talking about ideals, he´s saying that he will give everything of him for the people he loves.

Now, everything should be fine, right? Chuuya learns to accept his humanity to a certain extent, he gives himself a purpose, everything is /fine/ except it´s not and this lead us to the second and biggest contradiction about chuuya and this is which ultimately brings another thousand contradiction in his character: Nowadays his biggest conflict is not the original problem anymore, it´s the solution he gave to that problem.

And it´s the most tragic contradiction in earth because his relationships with people is what makes him keep going but at the same time it´s also what keeps him stuck (I´m discussing that later). And it hurts so much because yes, they give them an identity, a purpose but he also sacrifices /too much/ of himself in the name of this relationships.

He is conventionally brave, he is not like atsushi, he never hesitates, he never doubts but it´s not in a healthy way. Chuuya is not brave for the sake of being brave. He is brave because there was never another option to him, he doesn´t let himself feel afraid. During stormbringer he experimented more suffering than most of the characters in the story, he went against a giant beast, he was tortured, freakingg hell, his biggest fear all along was to discover that he wasn´t human but he decides to know because the flags investigated his past. He was terrified but he forced himself to ask because “I have an obligation to know for their sake” not for him, for the flags.

And let´s not talk about how corruption is his worst fear turned true, let´s not talk about how it represents the lack of humanity and how that may affect the character whose whole main arc revolves around seeking humanity, let´s not talk about how he goes against his worse fear once and once again to protect the city and the organization he loves. There is only one thing that chuuya wanted, all this time he only wanted to know if he was a human or if he wasn´t and in stormbringer he gave up even that. He decides to use corruption fully knowing that he will lose his opportunity to know and he doesn´t care if by doing it, he can save people.

He has a moral compass but he sacrifices it in the name of the people he loves. He cares about people but he also mass murder if that benefits his organization. He appreciates life, but he´s so ready to die and destroy himself if by doing that he can be useful for the people he cares about. His pathological loyalty is also explained by this, it doesn´t matter if they betrayed him or hurt him, he will still be there for them because he puts this relationships over everything. He even sacrifices his emotions, I´ve said it before but chuuya didn´t even let himself cry after he saw his friends in pieces because he put albatross needs over his own pain. He got into an organization he didn´t even wanted to be in because by doing it he could save the people that stabbed him in the back. To this day I´m haunted by the fact that in the entirety of stormbringer, chuuya only let himself be vulnerable once, he only screamed once. When he was being tortured, and in agony, he let himself scream but he only did it because no one there cared. If a person he loves had been there, then chuuya would´ve hold it in, he would never let himself cry because he will never let himself be a worry for the people he cares about. His whole ability is a reminder of everything he went through, of everything that makes him different, of all his pain but he doesn´t resent his ability because he can protect the people he loves with it, that powerful ability is just another responsibility he needs to carry. He is powerful so he needs to protect those that aren´t.

Chuuya is so selfless that it actually is a fucking flaw. From all the characters in bsd, he is the one who sacrifices the most and the craziest thing about it? He doesn´t even notice because in his mind he´s doing what needs to be done. In the CD drama he says to akutagawa that self sacrifice is a pathetic excuse for weak people but he does it all the time, except that he doesn´t think about what he does as self sacrifice, for him is just the natural thing to do. Chuuya constantly makes pyramids and he puts himself at the bottom of them. He is ready to give everything for the people he loves but he never expects the same of them. He loves unconditionally, but he doesn´t think that he can be loved in the same way. He needs to push himself, he needs to be useful.

“-Why- A flash of uneasiness briefly colored chuuya´s expression- Why would you go through all this (...)

-It´s nothing particularly serious- Said Lippmann. Baffled by chuuya´s reaction, he eyed the rest of the group- If we had to come up with a reason, though...it´s because you´re our friend. Were things different in the sheep?

They had been. That was what Chuuya flustered expression was saying. Everyone in the sheep depended on him. The contrary was unthinkable”- The flags and Chuuya, stormbringer.

Chuuya doesn´t know how to accept kindness, he doesn´t know how to react to people caring about him. Because that´s his job. He is never in the opposite side of it. And when he finally was, he lost it and even then he never thinks about all the shitty things that happen to him, he never complains about the unfairness of it. He just keeps going, he takes every single blow and he never let himself make a sound.

Do you see the contradictions now? The love he has for his people may be the foundation of his identity, but he also sacrifices a thousand of things about himself to protect them. No one can live like that. He lives in a perpetual state of contradiction. What he believes in, what he feels and what he does never fucking allign. And honestly this is part of what makes his character so fucking good, because this contradictions narratively speaking make perfect sense. Is not that he is lying, is not lack of self awareness, is not a hole in his characterization. if you stop to analyze the character this contradictions make perfect sense for him. And this trait is why chuuya gives this impression of being predictably unpredictable.

During the first light novel Dazai describes kunikida like this:

“I´ve got a good idea of who you are now, so nothing you do will ever surprise me. I mean, compared with me, you´re just a simple man with a simple mind, after all (...) See? You wear your heart in your sleeve. You don´t hide how you´re really feeling”- Dazai, Osamu Dazai´s entrance exam

And you´ve probably noticed by now, but a lot of this description somewhat applies for chuuya too. But Dazai´s reaction to chuuya is usually this one:

Even knowing Chuuya better than anyone else, Dazai has consistently been surprised or doubting chuuya´s actions. During stormbringer he didn´t know if chuuya was going to use corruption, because a normal person don´t go through life sacrificing their most wanted thing. During fifteen, he was extermely curious about his relationship with the sheep, because chuuya´s arrogance doesn´t make sense with the way he lets himself be used. He thought that Chuuya was going to kill N because that would´ve been the normal reaction to have but he didn´t. At 22, he hoped that chuuya was going to use corruption to save him but the whole point was that he could never be 100% sure because a normal person won´t go through life facing their worst fear just because of trust. And Dazai is not the only one unbalanced by chuuya, the flags were constantly surprised by him, rimbaud didn´t know what to do of him. Verlaine thought that after all the suffering, chuuya would grow up to hate the world just like he did, but chuuya didn´t. There is this whole scene in which Adam and shirase are facing verlaine and he knows that they will die, he goes through all the possibilities but there´s no way they make it but then chuuya appears

“The 169 outcome. An unthinkable possibility

-Unbelievable- I instinctively muttered”- Adam, stormbringer

Adam is an AI, he was made to think about all the logical options and he never thought of that one. Because no normal person will go and fight when all logic is saying that they will lose. But Chuuya does it, he goes and fight expeting to win, giving his all because he will not let his friends die.

Kunikida is relatively easy to predict because he will stick to his ideals as much as possible and because of that is easy to read his actions and the way he will act (to a certain extent, of course) Chuuya is as easy to manipulate as kunikida is but he is far more difficult to accurately predict. Chuuya may be as genuine and honest as kunikida is but he doesn´t stick to anything. He will go against the very basis of himself for the people he loves. Worse than that a lot of his actions and decisions are incredibly complicated because he does a thousand of mental mallabarisms that somehow make sense for him. He will kill, steal and blackmail but outside of job? He respects the traffic laws, he thinks that kids shouldn´t drink alcohol and help grandmothers cross the street. Does that make any sense to you? He will die and kill a stranger no doubt if by doing that he can protect the mafia but sacrificing a friend? Yeah, that´s not gonna happen. He simply can´t do it. So chuuya is fine with killing but only under specific conditions and that applies to everything he does. He lives in constant contradiction and that´s a problem because he won´t be able to keep it eternally. Every single time he goes against something he believes in, is a hit, even if he doesn´t let himself see it. And is fucking terrifying because we all talk about what´s gonna happen when Dazai breaks down, but I´m asking what´s gonna happen if chuuya is the one who breaks down? Because it´s gonna be fucking catastrophic, Chuuya doesn´t know how to bend, he will just keep going until he breaks. He will just keep going until he completely destroys himself.

Now I feel like this is a good time to answer the first question. If chuuya has so many hero-like qualities then why is he in the sides that kill people? why is he a morally grey character? By now I think is pretty evident that Chuuya is not a violence oriented character, he may be agressive and blunt, he is bad tempered but almost every single time he attacks is because he is trying to protect his people or in benefit of them. Yes, he is impulsive and he enjoys a good fight but he never attacks just for the sake of it. He may be arrogant and powerful but none of that is the answer. The real reason Chuuya is a morally grey character is because he chooses.

For him, some people are more important than others.

And just like I´ve been saying in all this analysis, chuuya is ready to do /everything/ for the group of people he chooses. He will kill and die for them. He will go against his moral code a thousand times for them. This certainly doesn´t excuse chuuya´s behavior though. The reality is that no matter his motivation, his actions are still bad by the moral code but just like Dazai, Chuuya is not a moral oriented character. And honestly I will forever find fascinating, that Dazai have all the attributes that we would expect of a bad person but he is in the side that saves people, he is doing his best to protect. Meanwhile, chuuya is an almost text book definition of a hero and still is in the side that kills people. The most fascinating thing though, is that they´re both morally grey characters just in completely different ways. Dazai still does a lot of bad things, it just happens that the ultimate result is a “good” one. Chuuya is constantly doing horrible things, but he also sacrifices himself constantly for the city he loves, and he has saves lots of lives by doing it.

Now going back to topic, yes chuuya chooses but that this is not a mafia-only thing. People in the light does it as well.

Tanizaki is the most obvious one, it has never been a secret that he would burn the world for Naomi and he is the only ADA character that actively has risked (and potentially killed) a complete innocent person in the name of saving Naomi. Ranpo did it as well, during the cannibalism arc he is the first one to suggest killing Mori because he priorized Fukuzawa not only over Mori´s life (which is natural) but also over the whole moral code of the ADA. And later in the story, he is the only one who wants to refuse the job that we now know that ruined the agency. The whole point of it, is not that the ADA didn´t believe in ranpo, is that if they didn´t took the job innocent people were gonna die and that goes against everything the ADA believes in, but not for Ranpo. He was perfectly fine with letting those people die if he could save his family, if he could save the ADA by refusing the job. Tecchou is a hunting dog, his whole character revolves around justice but he was ready to go against that because Jouno was lost, and that was more important for him than the fucking world. Yes, chuuya actively kills but all of this characters have proved that they would do it too under the right circumstances.

And with this I can finally write the last part of this analysis: Chuuya nakahara shouldn´t be in the mafia, his coping mechanisms and how his character is stuck.

#bsd chuuya #bungou stray dogs #bsd meta #chuuya analysis #bsd analysis #soukoku #skk #the fangirling is strong in this one #he is my favorite and it is obvious #hundreds of words just to say that I adore him #stormbringer spoilers #fifteen spoiler #bsd spoilers

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haru-chi · 9 months

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I've been thinking about why Natsume Takashi's family called "Natsume" his mother and grandmother family name and not his father which normally should've been ??

We've always took this name for granted so we never question it even when we know about his family's history. I speak of myself that I never question it or find it weird till now ><

I feel it was something that triggered this idea suddenly but can't remember which event or scene did, or was it a late realization on my part or was it Seiji's remark in that scene hmmmm

I believe I find it weird because he had the same family name as Reiko herself .. since if Reiko was married then she too would go by her husband family's name thus her daughter too .. but Natsume had the same family as his grandmother not his mother which led to many questions in my mind either about him or Reiko but let's focus on Natsume for now …

It's weird, isn't it ?? or am I the only one that think that ??

It's known that the wife takes her husband's family name after getting married. also, his father is known unlike his mother's mysterious father so there's no reason to use his mother's family name. plus, his mother was the first to die too and he mostly was raised by his father, so it wasn't the other way around for him to maybe had his mother's family name.

Why give him his mother's family name then ?

his name "Natsume" Takashi wasn't passed down by only the yokai to link him to Reiko. I mean this name isn't exclusive in the yokai side of the world for it to make sense why he had this family name, even in the human world he's known as "Natsume".

Then I remember the orphanage incident that Seiji mentioned … how his relative never put him in one again in fear he might ruin their family image in society given how weird he is that he was kicked out of the orphanage .. "let's keep this disgrace within the family" they said (I so wanna kill them for this remark)

Do you think that's why they changed his family's name after his father's death ? So, they can blame it all on the other family "he's crazy like his grandmother, our family has no such weirdo" or to have an escape route by saying "he's not from the family" .. thus if he did another problem …. oooooooh wait … what if they changed his family name AFTER the orphanage incident ??? so that if he did another big incident or his name get to be known publicly then this name won't trace back to their family or image ?? ( this idea just clicked right now and .. I .. it make sense that I hate it ugh)

I'll stop here, I feel more damaged the more I think or talk about this and sure hope this whole idea in unfounded > - >

can someone tell me it makes no sense and nothing is weird in him going by his grandmother's family ?? T^T

this idea is painful if it's true >-<

NATSUME DOESN'T DERSERVE ALL OF THIS !!!

#natsume yuujinchou #natsuyuu #natsume takashi #about Reiko ...#we know the father of Natsume's mother is unknown so maybe that why her daughter goes by her mother's family #I believe the father is known yet Reiko didn't give her daughter her father name .. so why ?#after he died ? to protect her daughter from her husband's family ?#or she didn't get married in the first place ??#he's an exorcist .. so if his family is well-known then I can see her maybe not wanting to link her daughter to them for reasons #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'M LOSING MY MIND HERE #I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS AND IDEAS !!!#WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU REIKO ???!!!!!#IS HER HUSBAND'S FAMILY THE ONE THAT KILLED HER ???#THAT 'S WHY AFTER HER HUSBAND DEATH ....#STOP ME !!! JUST STOP THINKING TOO MUCH FOR THIS !!!!#ugh ... the more I think the more I lose my mind ...#when are we getting some kind of answers ??#any kind pleaase !!!!!#I'll go and lie down ... I need a rest #I wonder if someone gonna find those thought of mine making any sense at all #or maybe I'm over thinking things again ....#ugh

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the-expired-tofu · 11 months

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The Devil's Trumpets | Pt. 2

|| A 'The Glory' fanfic || MINORS DNI [18+]

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a/n: Hey there, this is my first time writing a fan fiction. I might change a few things in my fictions later on. Also, my English isn't my first language so my writing might lack some fluency. Hope you enjoy :)

trigger warnings: lots of swearing, bullying, murder, gore, depression, abuse, mature content, violence, sexual themes.

pairing: reader x multi

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Y/N

Heaven never appeared to be on my side since I was born. My prayers were never answered. I dreaded waking up everyday when I was in highschool. You see, I never asked for any of this. I simply wished to lead a normal life. Is that too much to ask for?

My parents divorced when I was seven years old. My mother chose to marry a wealthy man and take my sister with her. While I were to stay with my alcoholic father. Even though I shared the same roof with him, I always felt lonely. He was always spending all of my money on more alcohol. Luckily he never abused me. I had to take care of him. Each and everyday became more difficult for me. Leaving with my mother would have been a very different experience. I'm curious of what made her change her mind. She always gave me the same reason for leaving me with my dad.

“Someone has to stay behind to look after him.” She did send us money from her husband’s account to cover up my father’s medication. That’s how we kept in contact with each other. The day she left us was the last time I saw her and my sister. My mother never bothered to make a call nor visit us, or even check on us. I figured she left us for her own good.

However, I was quite close to my sister. Even our parents' divorce couldn't properly separate us. We used to write letters to one another every day since I couldn’t afford a cell-phone for myself. I kept all her letters in a box till this day.

Living like this in Semyeong never really bothered me. Taking care of my dad all by myself was quite difficult if I say, but other than that, I was fine. Until one day, I was walking on the school grounds to get to the cafeteria, when I heard a horrifying scream coming from the gym. There were quite many students casually walking near the place. How come nobody heard that?

Now that I even think about it, I realize I should have exercised caution while being curious. I decided to check out the issue. And that’s when everything started.

I was peeking through the door when I noticed a group of four students crowding near the stage. I could here some laughs when I noticed a girl with straight long hair coming out of the crowd. That’s when I saw her for the first time.

Moon Dong-Eun. Both her hands were tightly held by two more students, Son Myeong-Oh and Choi Hye-Jeong, while Lee Sa-Ra was holding Yeon-jin’s hair curling iron.

“Hey!”

I lost my balance and fell on my back. It was a guy holding a basketball and stood right over me.

“Oh come on do I look that bad?” He asked as he grabbed me by my hair.

“NO, NO, NO, PLEASE NO!! HELP!! ” I yelled for help and not one student wandering outside the gym came for my help.

“Yeah you’re fucking ugly Jae-joon, no wonder why she fell when she saw you.” That was Lee Sa-ra. She held a cigarette in her mouth while curling Yeon-jin’s hair.

He dragged me near the place where Moon Dong-Eun was lying. I noticed a burn on her right arm that resembled the shape of the curling iron. I had to get away from this place. I have to call the police.

I tried to free myself from his grasp but he dragged me back to the same place where Dong-Eun was. She was almost unconscious when I called out for her.

“Call her all you want. Neither can she help you, nor can anyone else.” Hye-Jeong let out a laugh when she dangled the keys in front of me.

“Oh look! Dong-eun has a friend now,” said Yeon-jin with a pout on her face.”Isn’t that adorable?” She said as she cupped my face with her hands.

“What’s your name?” she asked me while she looked down at my legs.

“She asked you a fucking question, you bitch,” asked Jae-joon who still held me by my hair with a painful grip.

“Well what does it say on her nametag?” said Yeon-jin as she opens the pin of the tag from my shirt. “Y/N. What a pretty name, and such pretty legs,” she took a few steps back to take a look at my legs again. “I wonder how my cigarettes would look on them.”

“Look, please, I swear I wont tell anybody, please let me go, I have to go back, I have to take care of my dad, he is not doing well. Please let me go” I started crying because I knew, I have no way out.

“Well the show hasn’t even started yet and you already want to go back?” said Yeon-Jin. She started backing away from me when she raised her thumb at me and then all of them started grabbing me at the edge of the stage. Myeong-oh and Hye-jeong grabbed me by my arms. I started panicking when I saw Sa-ra walking towards me with three burnt cigarettes together.

“NO PLEASE NO!!”

She shushed me with her finger on my lips. “This is high quality weed. Nobody can say no to these babies,” She said as she pointed the cigarettes towards me. She took a puff out of the three cigarettes together and grabbed me by my thighs. Before I even knew it, she pressed those together on my thighs.

My scream echoed on the walls of the gym. I tried flinging my legs in the air but she held them with a firm grip.

After she was done with my left leg, she went on to press them on my right one.

My screams became more and more distorted as I choked on my tears. My lungs, my throat, my legs, everything hurt.

“Oh my god, this bitch is fucking loud. Can someone shut her up?” said Yeon-jin.

“On it,” said Jae-joon. He threw the basketball away he was playing with a while ago and put his hand inside his pocket to take out a small bottle eye drops. He pressed a few drops on his eyes and put it back inside. I remember that it was that day he brutally beat up another guy who made fun of his colorblindness. His knuckles were still red from that guy’s blood.

“Imagine if she ever screamed my name,” said Jae-joon with a smirk on his face as he threw the ball away.

"Can you just shut the fuck up and shut her up?"

He grabbed my waist firmly and put his palm over my mouth tight shut.

Sa-ra continued pressing the cigarettes on my skin. My muffled screams died down eventually when I started feeling numb. This went on for quite long as I remember.

“Yeah that’ll do.”

Sa-ra removes the cigarettes from my thighs and lets go of my legs. I slid down the table and dropped to the floor. The stinging pain in my legs grew worser.

“She’s already out? Damn she’s weak as fuck,” Yeon-jin said as she nudged with her shoes on my thighs.

“Why did you do this to me? What harm did I ever do to you people?” I muttered.

“Because bitch if we didn’t, you would have told someone about us. Even though nobody even gives a shit about what we do. Nobody will ever believe you, and nobody will ever come to save your day” Yeon-jin said in a sing-song voice and the others laughed as she stood towered over me.

“What a whore,” said Myeong-oh. He kicked me at the back as I winced from the pain.

“Hey let’s go to the karaoke bar, it’s opened by now,” said Hye-jeong.

“Bye hoes,” Sa-ra waved as she walked away with others.

I laid there, barely conscious. My tears didn’t stop and my eyes were stinging. The world grew blurry around me. The burning pain, the bruises, the wounds, my head, the ringing in my ears, everything felt worse. I couldn’t even move. Before I knew anything else, I passed out on the gym floor.

I wiped the steam off my mirror as I stood naked in front of it. Some of the burnt skin on my thighs grew pinkish red over the years.

I wore some clothes on and started drying my hair. Min-hee is fast asleep in her room. I collected all the dishes from the table and put them in the sink. It’s 11.45 p.m. My sleep can wait.

I turned my phone on and opened Facebook. I searched up Moon Dong-Eun. I found a profile under the same name but there weren’t any pictures. I wonder if it’s really hers.

I was staring at her profile. Should I search them up as well? I mean, I have to if I want to change my mind.

I searched up Yeon-jin’s profile first. She worked as a weather forecaster at a news channel and married the CEO of Jaepyeong Construction in Semyeong, Ha Do-yeong. She had a child named Ha Ye-sol, same age as Min-hee.

Jeon Jae-joon is a wealthy heir to a country club and helped up scaling a clothing boutique named Siesta.

Lee Sa-ra became an artist.

Choi Hye-jeong works as a flight attendant.

For Son Myeong-oh, I couldn’t gather much information about him except maybe he works for Jeon Jae-joon.

This much was quite enough for me. I put my phone down on the table and rested my head on my arms. I kept staring at the ceiling. The yellow light from the street outside illuminated my room. I looked over at Min-hee, she’s fast asleep.

I took my phone and went over to the common balcony. I opened up my call logs on my phone as I closed the door behind me to make sure Min-hee doesn’t wake up. At the top of my call logs displayed Moon Dong-eun’s name. I almost made the call when I paused.

Wait, no. Am I doing the right thing?

I didn’t press on her name yet. Instead, I stretched back by holding on the railings and looked over at the city before me. Seoul looks beautiful especially at night. The city lights flickered like the stars in the sky. All the quietness up here and the distant hustle of the people and traffic made me calm.

I closed my eyes and let out my breath. I looked back at my phone and pressed her name. I pressed the phone against my ear. After a few rings at my end, ”Hello Moon Dong-Eun? It’s me, Y/N.”

************************************************************************

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booiiee · 2 months

Text

Brooklyn Baby

Pairing: Lee Jaehyun (Hyunjae) × Female Reader

Tags: Fluff, Hyunjae is WHIPPED, They bicker- a LOT, they love each other so much, it's pathetic actually, eventual smut (duh), separate tags and warnings for smut in the smut chapter. MINORS DNI!!

For @un-love 🩷🩷

-------

Chapter 1

It's summer of 2024 you've just shifted your whole life to Brooklyn New York, a decision that you and your friends and family had to all collectively take, Brooklyn is expensive and people are rude sometimes but for the first time you're building your life

You love your job, not a lot of therapist can say that specially with how taxing the job can be, but you really love your job, you're one of the most loved therapist at Brooklyn's biggest hospital NewYork-Presbyterian Brooklyn Methodist Hospital (yes i googled that) and let's just say you earn enough to have an entire studio apartment to yourself, something that you've come to realize, you love.

Your job is many things but it is not a job where you have a lot of free time, it might even be busier than working at a fashion magazine like your friend Daisy does,some days she is the only reminder of your life back in your home country, and your love for kpop and a certain kpop idol- Lee Jaehyun from The Boyz.

“Miss Rose, the director wants to see you.” your thoughts were interrupted by your assistant Liz- or Elizabeth, informing you of your rather sudden meeting with the director. Now the old Jasmine would absolutely lose it over being called by the director but moving to a place like Brooklyn from India has made you indifferent to these small anxiety triggering things.

To say that you were surprised would be the understatement of the century. The director had assigned you a patient of your busy (lazy) colleague, some VIP, whose case was “of utmost importance” to the hospital, which in itself was making you angry as if one life was worth more than the other. Nonetheless, you were gonna treat this patient like any other patient.

“Hi, Mr. Eric? I am Dr. Rose. I am taking over your case as of today, as informed. Please follow me this way” you introduce yourself to a tall man with freshly dyed brunette hair with a mask. He must be some high profile person given the way he was avoiding the stares from people.

R- You can keep the mask on until you feel comfortable to talk without them, our session can happen without you having to show your face.

E- Oh that is a relief thank you doctor.

R- So tell me Eric, what do you love doing when you are the most stressed and when you have a lot of leisure time?

E- Oh I thought you’d start with asking me my sickness

R- You say sickness like it is a bad thing

E- Is it not?

R- Well being sick is not great but it is not something derogatory.

*No one is born a patient and no one stays a patient till the end*.

*(From Daily dose of Sunshine)

As far as the questions go, if you’d rather me start with discussing your diagnosis, i am happy to do so

E- No its…its okay we can do your method.

I am skipping the actual therapy part because I am neither a licensed therapist nor a psych student to be writing that.

The 3 weeks you were assigned Eric’s case you found that against your better judgment, you guys were becoming almost friends, which is to say was weird in more ways than one. You were his therapist and you did not know what he looked like. You never asked him to take off his mask. He never mentioned why he prefers to wear one. So you decided you’d start and stay away from him in the hospital corridors when you often bump into each other after his session with your colleague.

E- I know we are not supposed to be friends and all that protocol, but you have really helped me in ways i could never explain and i am not the best person when it comes to gifts but i asked my friend j and he suggested this since you like to read- i've seen all those books in your office

Your gasp was audible to not only Eric but a few staff around as he pulled out a blue box. Eric quickly pulled you aside and for the first time, took off his mask.

R- You’re THE Eric?????

E- I mean I dont really say that about myself but i think you know me? Which is even better, so you know that i can afford this and im not robbing a bank for this gift, which also is not the case cause J bought this really-

R- Wait, I WILL not accept that, and give me a minute Wow! okay.

Eric, hi, I love your music and you'd understand when i say how weird this is to know my patient is a member of the group i love

E- aww doc you’re a fan. That makes me wanna be your friend even moore

R- Yeah, we’re gonna…we’ll talk about that later.

Wait, you're Eric from TBZ, so your friend J who often drops you to your session, the one who bought this SUPER EXPENSIVE gift, is J, Jaehyun? As in, Lee Jaehyun?

E- Yup you got that right! The one and only! In Fact he is on his way up, now that you’ve seen me, we can all talk comfortably

R- Oh No… no no, NO.

E- But why? Do you not like Hyunjae? *Gasp* Are you a hyunjae antiii??

R- WHAT???? NO! I could never hate my Hyunjae! not in this lifetime for suree!!!

“Well that’s good to know, Miss Rose”

You could identify that voice in a room full of noisy people, let alone the silence of the corridor, so you had no choice but to tun around and see a curly haired masked man smiling at you. Oh this is not good for your job.

-----

Chapter 2 will be posted super soon!!

#hyunjae fluff #hyunjae #lee jaehyun #tbz #tbz hyunjae #tbz × reader #the boyz fic #the boyz smut #the boyz fluff #kpop boygroups

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coyotestarcraft · 1 year

Text

I Need To Know

Fandom: Good Omens

Poly!Aziraphale x Reader x Crowley

⚠️PLEASE DO NOT READ IF ANYTHING LIKE THIS TRIGGERS YOU!⚠️

A/N: It’s been over a year since loss of my grandfather that I miss dearly, there’s a lot I want to say about him, but I’ll wait till the end, if you want to read it or not I don’t care, it’s just a way to show how much I loved him.

So please read this story and know that even though you’ve gotten into many fights or quarrels with your grandparents, they still love you, so go hug them or call them and tell them that you love them. Spend as much time with them as possible, because you never know when you’ll get to have that chance to spend time with them again.

And I call him papaw.

______________________

First Person POV

I sat on that grass ledge expressionless.

I wish I had more time, more memories, more.....anything. I wished had spent more time with him, I wished had given him more hugs and kisses when I left for school each morning.

Now that I sit here and think about all of it, it doesn’t matter anymore....none of it will happen again because he’s gone...forever.

He used to say to me, “I love ya, but I don’t like ya.” I chuckle at that, it’s the first time in a while since a smile has taken over my face.

He used to aggravate the crap outta me, and honestly, I miss it more than I know. I hated it but as I sit here now I want that back more than ever.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice softly calls out, pulling me from my thoughts, I turn to see Aziraphale and Crowley standing between two trees and forest behind them.

“I was just thinking again, about him.” I say as I turn back around to stare off into the sunset that sets just above the horizon out far in the distance.

Maybe, just maybe I could ask.

“Aziraphale?”

He comes and sits next to me along with Crowley who sits to the right of me.

I need to know.

Now.

“Yes my dear?” He wraps an arm around my shoulder, looking at me curiously.

It’s now or never.

“Will you please....go...check on him?” My voice breaks as I try my best not to break down in tears.

“It’s against-“ Aziraphale gets cut off as he looks at my face and sees how much I need him to do this.

“I will see what I can do, if I have to fall to make your pain go away love, then I’m willing to do this for you.” He puts his forehead to mine.

Just one day is all I want, one time is all I need.

“Thank you.” I sniffled, it was hard not to break down, but after not knowing if he’s okay is rough.

I just need that feeling of relief knowing he’s no longer in pain.

*Timeskip To a Week Later*

Crowley’s flat had it’s comforts, he had his plants, Aziraphale had some books stashed somewhere and Crowley gave me my own room with a desk for drawing and to just hang out it when things go to be too much, it was a safe space.

I sat at my desk drawing away, Crowley was in the plant room yelling per usual.

To others it may have frightened them, but I laugh, it’s typical Crowley, the demon I have fallen in love with for a long time.

The sound of the door opening and closing is what draws me away from my desk.

“I’m back loves.” Aziraphale calls out.

I walk out and smile at Aziraphale who gives a wide smile back, he never did that unless it was good news.

He had been gone the past week, up in heaven doing work.

“I’ve got some good news my love,” he opens the door, and there stands my grandfather.

I stand there wide eyed and mouth agape.

“Hey huckleberry.” He says.

Tears fill my eyes and before I realized what I was doing, my arms wrap around his shoulders and I’m sobbing.

“You’re-you’re, okay, your not in pain anymore!” I smile appears on my face, I look at him and noticed how young he looks since the last time I’d seen him.

“Holy crap, when did you look like this! You had white hair and everything since we’d last seen each other!” I laugh.

“Things change dear, even in heaven.” He says.

“I guess so.”

We chat for a bit and I talk about how Aziraphale and Crowley have brought happiness into my life, how I’m working on bettering my mental health, and much more.

Eventually he has to leave, I give him a long hug and a kiss on the cheek, “I’m happy knowing your okay and not in that hospital bed in pain. It hurt when mom got the call about your passing.”

“You know I’ll always be here, in your heart.” He smiles.

“Yeah, I know pops.” I laugh.

“Please come back and visit, I miss you more than ever.” I say.

“Alright, but you know I’ll have to aggravate you.” He laughs, making me laugh along with him.

“Okay.” I say, he walks out shutting the door.

“Do you feel better?” Crowley asks.

I turn to him with tears rushing down my face, but I have smile, “yeah.”

He knows I need him, he knows I love him, he knows I won’t forget him.

THE END!

Rant down below! ⬇️

In case anyone wants to know, his name was John, that’s all I’m giving to keep his full name private.

I think he knew I loved him a lot even though I didn’t show it much, and yes the name huckleberry was an actual nickname he gave me and I hated it, but after he passed I came to like it.

I almost cried while writing this but I stayed strong.

I wrote this not for fun, but to get people to realize that you NEED to spend as much time with your loved ones as possible, not just your grandparents, but your parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, whoever.

It may seem like you have all the time in the world to spend with them, but that can change in a heartbeat.

I feel so guilty that I didn’t spend as much time with my grandfather as I should’ve.

Anyway! I hope you read this story and learned to not take time for granted, you never know when you’ll have that chance to spend time your relatives again.

#Good Omens #good omens crowley #good omens aziraphale #aziraphale x reader x crowley #fanfic #fan fiction

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moonjxsung · 5 months

Note

omg i heard we were trashing exes.

i'm gonna try to keep this short but i was with this piece of shit for almost four years so he did quite a lot of damage and trauma.

my first bf was in high school, i was vvvvv clueless about serious relationships and what was normal and what wasn't. anyway,

man said ily like two weeks in, told me we'd get married, bought me things as his way to get me to not be mad at him instead of actually apologizing for what he did. he had me convinced that id be nothing without him, that no one would love me the way he did and wouldn't love me after him cos of how much he fucked me up.

he had a serious god complex and really put himself on a pedestal, he was the smartest person and would not hesitate to bring others down for his own gain. even me his own damn gf. (keep in mind we dated in high school and now i'm 22 and he's still the same to this day.)

i grew up being called dumb and stupid by my peers so he used the fact i grew up believing i was a dumbass to his advantage to convince me that he's smart so he knows what's best. he looked down on me, talked down to me like i was a clueless child and he was simply leading the way.

even if he knew little to nothing about my friends and family cos he never tried to get to know them he would take the opportunity to shit on them whenever i'd rant about issues that came up. he tried to control which friends i was allowed to hang out with by making a good and bad friend list and showing that to my mother.

(at the time our relationship was rocky and she reached out to him cos she wanted to know i was okay. instead of telling her that she could trust me he makes a fucking list)

he ruined relationships with friends we shared, eventually isolating me from everyone. he became my support system and only friend.

bro had me feeling like anything and everything i did was wrong. looking back he never went out of his way to get to learn about what i liked, my hobbies and shit but was more than happy to give me every little detail about his interests when i'd ask him. he criticized everything i liked or did.

bro was the definition, the human fucking form of a manipulator, gaslighter and overall toxic human being. love really makes you stupid and blind to the fucked up shit that happens in a toxic relationship so it wasn't till i got out that i realized the shit he did to me wasn't normal (don't even get me started on the other shit that would literally need a big ass trigger warning)

my ex after him was 10x better but even if that ex did the bare fucking minimum of communication, respect and being a decent human i was like "omg this hasn't happened before" "omg is this normal?"

this ex was actually great but the fact i was in awe of the bare minimum means the toxic ex really had my bar on the floor

anyway ily star

~ 🌸

BESTIE :( I am so fucking sorry oh my god he sounds like absolute fucking SCUM :( the fact that all of us have a horror story about some ex is actually so alarming like WHAT is it with men that they just go around treating everyone like fucking garbage WHYYY are you even seeking out a relationship then???? And then people wonder why we love forms of escapism like fanfic or romance as a genre bc we love imagining healthy love and intimacy… as a form of escape from the complete opposite we’ve been dealt 🤕 I hope you’re far far away from him now & staying both safe and healthy!! None of those shitty ass fucking men deserved you anyway and I’m manifesting so hard that you find someone actually worth your time who gives you all the love n respect you deserve. Swear we could make a fucking emotional support group on here with how many of you guys have horror stories abt men 😭😭 sending you all my love annonie I hope you heal from all you’ve been dealt :( I love you always 🫂💓🫶🌙⭐️

#🌸 anon #ask

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b-lessings · 1 year

Note

We’ve been mutuals for a long time so I remember your occasional mentions about therapy and healing, which actually played a role in prompting me to try and understand my own trauma I was in denial of for a very long time and starting my journey towards getting better I guess. I’m still really struggling with my anxiety, have been for a really long time, sometimes the triggers are too overwhelming and feels like therapy and trauma work only make me understand enough to want to run away again, due to how much my body reacts in social settings, or at the thought of how out of control everything is in my brain. Can I ask, perhaps in vague terms, what was your journey like in the beginning? Does the anxiety ever start to lessen in intensity? Do you ever get to the point where you can process your trauma enough to finally face the reality of it’s remnants in people and places? How long does it take till you begin to seek happiness instead of the vicious internal destruction? How (if at all) does the dynamics of your healing journey change when you let another person you love into your life?

By the end of (reading) this ask I was like ouuff 😮‍💨 that's heavy😅

Salam my dear, I appreciate you sending this ask, I see your courage and your will to get better and get a bit of control over your life, and that's only a sign of strength and bravery, I am proud of you 🤍

Now, I am not sure if I am gonna answer all your points or get carried away by my own thoughts but let me give it a try.

First of all, from personal experience (obviously all my answers will be based on that) I don't think anxiety is something we can totally heal from or get rid of, it is not a feature we can deactivate, and do not take this the wrong way, I will explain later, but with therapy we learn to cope with our anxiety, we learn to make peace with it, and live with it in the most cooperative non-impeding ways.

One of the most memorable sayings that my therapist told me so early on in my journey is that her and my anxiety are both trying to do the same thing: protect me, they are not working against each other, they would actually work together (if my anxiety wouldn't be so stubborn lol).

Anxiety is in simple terms or at a very primal level a reaction to a trigger, you brain detects something that it deems wrong or dangerous and it alerts your body - there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, as human beings we relied on that trigger-response for God knows how many thousands of years to survive and get to this point in history. But then anxiety is perceived as a problem once it becomes a disability, in the sense that it would prevent the person from going on about their day normally.

Now what happened is that I lived like 27 or 28 years of my life not even realizing I had anxiety. I would hear people talk about it all the time and it never clicked, for me not even once that hey that's what I have! Until my therapist said the word. And I was like " anxiety? Me? Noway! I am an extrovert, I have a lot of friends, I am not scared of crowds, I love trying new things and living new experiences blah blah blah" but I had no idea that I had actually been repressing it all in for all those years.

So after the acceptance, the second phase was that anxiety took over my life! I had become fully afraid of everything and I just retrieved to myself. Everything was emphasized. I sorta kinda cut off people and stopped going after things and experiences blah blah .. I remember telling my therapist, since the day I was faced with the diagnosis, seems like anxiety is all that I am! I want to get my old self back, I want to get my life back! Anxiety stole my life! It was painful, it was uncomfortable and it was also my excuse for everything..

But then, one of the biggest turning-points in my therapy journey was when I decided to love my anxiety, and understand it better, understand that it does not want to do me any harm but actually protect me, so I became more aware inward and outward, I became very attentive to the changes and the signs my body gives me, you can catch me whispering " what is it babygirl, what's wrong? " as soon as I feel that stomach ache, lol. I honestly do talk to it, I can proudly say I befriended it and that's how I managed to get on its good sign and take control of my life back.

Now I even anticipate it. I sorta know my triggers, so I can te that I will have an episode, I have learned a few techniques on how to calm myself down or distract my mind, sometimes when it is intense I would allow myself a day off or even an hour off just to myself to do something that brings me comfort, I journal a lot, I analyze my thoughts and whatnot.. and that's what therapy is good for, it equips you with tools to cope with the issue at hand. And yes, that's how it lessens in its intensity like you said. That's how you gain back control over your life. That's how you get closer to feeling and achieving peace, because listen boo, we are not looking for happiness, the goal is actually peace. Happiness is only a moment in time, it's fleeing, it's just an instant. Inner peace and mental peace is what lasts.

I can't tell you how much time it takes because every journey is personal and different, to each of us their path, and relapses do happen, setbacks do happen, after all we are only human, and especially for us girls, the hormonal imbalance is a nightmare and it does affect our psyche.. there is also life events always happening and affecting our mental health.. but the most important part is that you never stop, never give up, you keep walking your path of healing and you keep asking for help! I always say that the keys to having a good experience with therapy are the 3Ps: perseverance, patience and practice!

I have been in therapy for I think 3 years next month, and proudly I can say we don't have the scheduled regular sessions, I do not need them anymore, Alhamdullillah, now it is basically only in cases of emergency like if something really intense happens, other than that, Alhamdullillah I am capable of managing my anxiety attacks, which are neither that frequent not that intense anymore, Alhamdullillah.

P.s. I did not mention trauma because tbh with my therapist we haven't been working on that. And I am well-aware of how sensitive and different our traumatic experiences are, so I chose to sit this one out.

Anyways, I hope I managed to answer your questions or at least bring you some hope! And again, I am very proud of you, I know how gard and tricky it gets but I promise you it gets better, so keep going 🤍

#asks #on anxiety #mental health #ask Asmaa

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kendrixtermina · 6 months

Text

I have officially lost all belief in human progress or that western civilization is anything other than a fraud

all these people are basically livetweeting their deaths and no one DOES anything

So much for the UN, the long arc of history or 'never again'.

videos of ppl outright mocking the victims like "we have water and you don't"

so much propaganda it puts the WWI meat factory thing to shame, no wonder no one knows what to believe

the constant shaming and actionism and guilt-tripping as if panicking helps anyone

How many babies to need to be killed till it's no longer "self defense"?

RIOTS ARE ALWAYS A FAILURE OF THE AUTHORITIES. It doesn't matter if anyone 'condones' killing (I don't), but, you mistreat people, some of them WILL riot. I'm not saying it's great, or they should, but they WILL. Human fucking nature. Israel had all the power there; They created conditions where ppl will riot.

Who is dumb enough to believe there's always conveniently a base under everything they bomb? Even if there was, I assume Hamas have legs & can walk away, whereas the civilian infrastructure STAYS destroyed.

And even if you get all the baddies, what then? In 5 seconds you'd have a new, worse group out for vengeance for their slaughtered family members, burning with the same "rightheous" fury as you

We can debate about labels all you want, but there's no way cutting off water to a large city isn't an attemt to kill-em-all. Same for bombing the place they were told to go

On the other hand... Ppl's tendency to shove everything into the currently popular framework... the colonization thing certainly applies in many respects and it was in some ways smart of the activists to frame it that way, but, you can send the British back to Britain, where are you gonna send the israelis? You realize you're not getting them moved anywhere without yet more atrocities? So big side eye when ppl go putting 'Israel' in quotation marks, I do wonder what course of action they're implying. I can't in good conscience tell ppl not to be triggered or scared over it.

I get that it's not just to expect anyone to 'be the bigger person'. But someone has to. They pulled it off in Rwanda. Do you want "justice" or peace? You can't have both. How about no more killing of anyone.

Biden was kinda coming near to saving himself with the union stuff he's been doing, but now he's shat the bed bigtime which is a problem cause there's no viable replacement. If only a competent person with a spine were in his place. I mean, China & Russia doing shit? Ok, they're nuclear powers, no one can stop them. But Israel? If the west threatened to close the money faucet they'd play ball. They're all just too gullible, too chicken, or perfectly happy with the outcome. Biden blew it; I think out of incompetence more than malice, but they're functionally indistinguishable at this point.

Europe doesn't believe in free speech apparently. Ashamed to live in Mitläufer-Land and the spineless peninsula union, apparently.

The spikes of islamophobia and antisemitism all over the world

ppl trying to use this to push antisemitic conspiracy theories or hindu-nationalism, (wasn't collective punishment and category brainrot exactly the problem? I guess some are just looking for any excse to terrorize ppl)

ppl too busy for-us-or-against-us-ing celebrities and making yet another orthodoxy discourse out of it, like that won't do the opposite of convince ppl

Did I mention DEAD BABIES GALORE?? That oughta dwarf everything else, really. It's bad enough on its fucking own. There shouldn't be anything left to say. They all look like my siblings to me. But those are all alive in a warm house with food in the fridge and I' gonna see them tomorrow.... and their families won't.

entire bloodlines wiped out. Not even people left to remember them

I lived in a small village with 10 thousand inhabitants once. When I see the death toll, I picture that entire village wiped out, or multiples or fractions of it. Everyone one would interact with every day, the teachers, the neighbor's kids, the croissant lady. 'cept ppl in Gaza were so piss poor they probably ain't seen a croissant in their lives.

So this is what it's like, to see something like that happening

there are all those posts of one person after another being wiped out, families whittled down till there's nothing left

Yes, you could drag Netanyahu to the hague, and they should, but will that even matter? That won't un-kill those ppl or un-destroy the infrastructure.

Something irreversible has been done.

Something irreversible is done each time one of those lives is casually snuffed out

#feelings #current events #politics #gaza

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ruminate88 · 5 months

Text

Overcoming past Emotional Abuse in a healthy Marriage

I dated two narcissists back to back, Cody and Andrew, and I also had a guy friend who was a narcissist, Jake, that would be in my life off and on again for years! I never knew what emotional abuse was but I felt these 3 men were very toxic for me and I was very broken down and hard on myself too. I put myself down to protect myself from these men or even future men hurting me. Sadly not knowing or understanding, I was blindly pushing myself forward without 100% healing first. I rushed into marrying someone because I was trying to run from these men. I did talk with my husband about these men but I couldn’t explain truly what happened to me and how it affected the way I react and feel in various circumstances. So after I’m married, I’m beyond fragile and cautious. The littlest thing my husband did or said that triggered me, caused me to get overly upset but I would try to quickly resolve it because I didn’t understand. Simply put. Lack of wisdom on my past and my own self. Trying to approach my husband with respect, gentleness and some compromise. I wanted this marriage to be its best always but I wasn’t even at my best yet.

Eventually I learn what emotional abuse is and my eyes are starting to open. I deal with the anger my ex Andrew instilled in me and finally get some relief from that. I deal with the emotional scars and I finally deal with cognitive dissonance. I do so much prayer, soul searching BUT I need a breakthrough. It took months of writing down as much as I could remembering even the uncomfortable parts of my past and re-reading it till I’m sick of it all. I just pushed myself to sit in the uncomfortableness and I felt very shameful. Yet there were still a few more missing pieces.

With much prayer and continuing to not give up on the whole matter, I started to receive my breakthroughs. I started to understand why certain situations and conversations trigger me as I found myself comparing my present life and my spouse to the past trauma. I know I NEVER wanna experience emotional abuse again. With as much knowledge and trying to understand it all, It still wasn’t enough to heal me. I’ve had to pray even more!! The last situation to arise in my marriage that was a “trigger” put me back in a past mindset during the emotional abuse but I reminded myself how I’m not in the abuse anymore. I don’t wanna react in a “triggered mindset” so I take a deep breath, start telling Jesus how I feel and how I wanna do even better… I did tell my husband some of my feelings right away but he didn’t respond back, so he was obviously dwelling on the situation too. I decided to pray about it all and not further react.

I was not healed when I married my husband and while I didn’t realize or understand that, I felt I was doing the right thing. I was wanting a partner so bad and I wanted my husband to be “the answer” to moving on from my traumas but he wasn’t. He’s been great and has helped me in so many ways but only with years gone by, lots of prayer and revelations, have I begun to actually get what I needed. Alone with Jesus. Not with my husband. I haven’t even felt comfortable to express all of my journey or talk to my husband about everything I’ve learned because I know my past does hurt him and it almost feels safer just to let it be. In fact, I’ve never had intentions to be thinking about it so much/talking about it but I know now it’s been necessary because now I have awareness when I’m “triggered” in my marriage and I can deal with it before reacting or responding negatively. Certain emotions still arise that are hurtful from my past but as they appear, I can quickly think it over and talk to Jesus about it but remind myself those feelings are in the past. Those men can no longer hurt me and comparing my spouse to them is unfair. Unfortunately, however you’ve been in prior relationships, that is often what you bring to the table. You have to learn to change your old mindset and habits. It doesn’t happen over night. I didn’t even learn about emotional abuse till I was 5 years in my marriage!! I’ve spent this last year taking what I’ve learned and seeing how I can apply it for the future. Give yourself time and grace. Let Jesus have your guilt and shame. I’ve asked Jesus to take these emotional scars from me. I DO NOT have to wear them as a punishment for my old mistakes. You don’t either! If you’ve experienced emotional abuse like me and you’re now in a better position, daily remind yourself how far you’ve come. Getting out of the abusive relationship alone is a major victory! Now you can begin to move forward. Learn all you can about emotional abuse but then step back and allow yourself to meditate on what happened to you, how it’s affected you currently AND THEN one at a time, deal with each past thing that has hurt you. For me, it was 3 different men who all hurt me differently. I’ve had so much to deal with. I’m there though! I feel myself having a clean slate! Lastly, forgiving the ones who abused you. Most narcissists don’t apologize and if they do, it feels as if they’re only saying it to “appease you” but believe they’ve done nothing wrong. Often they feel hurt by you too. Forgiving them doesn’t change what they did but it’s helpful so you can move on from them and you will give them a chance to start over as well. You can’t change them or control how they treat future partners. Maybe they will continue to abuse people BUT that’s their choice. You can only change yourself, control how you treat yourself and your future partners. Now I know what love is and I’m learning about healthy boundaries, how to stand up for myself more and to feel comfortable sharing my life with someone new. I pray my story helps someone out there going through similar circumstances! 🥰

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ghostbc-headcanons · 2 years

Note

I’ve never submitted anything like this but I’m totally curious. I don’t have a huge preference for era but I’m relatively new to ghost (Terzo was the first Papa I remember seeing before but didn’t get into them till this year) Uh about me??

Name is Casey, 28, and I write fanfics for ghost rn. I read a lot in my free time too, I also love to cook and travel! I’m kinda tall for a woman (5ft 9in) and I have blue eyes and curly hair?? (Which i only mention because I feel like everyone gives the reader straight hair in the ffs I’ve read) I have an old man cat if you wanted to add something about him LOL

I look forward to whatever you write for this jumbled submission 😅

i am VERY happy to say you've won the heart of...

our dear PAPA EMERITUS II!

now we all know that secondo is a Very Closed Off Man!! he doesn't like people in most cases, but you... you stood out to him for some reason.

maybe it was the way you carried yourself, maybe it was the confidence behind your words every time you spoke to him, he doesn't know. but something about you felt different. different in a way that drew him to you.

it helps that he shares your interests, being passionate about traveling and fine cuisine, as well as the fact that he peruses the church library frequently (reading is his way of winding down after a long day). you two have bumped into each other many a time there, which always leads to long discussions about what books you're reading. of course, he'd be happy to take you out to the fanciest restaurants in italy!! or if you would rather, he'll share with you some recipes from his family. he doesn't consider himself the most amazing chef (he's too humble he's actually a really good cook), but he likes spending time with you and the satisfaction of making a meal from scratch is unparalleled. and god knows this man has like, infinite fucking money, he'd literally bring you to the bahamas if you asked

the first time he met your cat was probably when he realized how enamored he was with you. first of all, you're a cat person and he's a cat person so like.......... match made in fucking heaven, but that's not what triggered it - while gushing over your cat in a way that he would NEVER let any average person see, he realized he was able to let down his walls around you which is not a common occurrence for this man ok!!!

you get to see his lovey-dovey, softy side, you get to watch soaps with him and gasp at all the twists and turns and drama together, and perhaps if he's brave enough, he'll ask you if he can be the little spoon when you are cuddling

RUNNER UP: PAPA EMERITUS III

#SORRY IF THIS IS ALL OVER THE PLACE I'M TRYING TO. figure out how to write these #anyways.#i love secondo #ghost bc #ghost the band #ghost #ghost band #headcanons #ghost bc headcanons #ghost headcanons #match ups #papa emeritus ii

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somedayonbroadway · 2 years

Note

Criminal Minds au?

Criminal Minds AU

TW: kidnapping, split personality, beatings

Season 2 Episode 15: Revelations

Race sucked in a breath. He rolled his head on his neck and bit back a whimper when he felt a pain surge through his head. It didn’t help that all he could see was a single lightbulb hanging above him. If Jack hadn't made him watch so many horror movies, Race wouldn’t have even given it much thought, but the memories flooded back to him, hitting him hard. The young man quickly reminded himself that now was not the time to be the kid everyone saw him as. He had to be an agent right now. He could do this. He was trained in combat, he knew how to handle a gun, he was the whiz kid. He could be brave too. He didn’t need to be terrified.

But as the unsub looked over him, Race’s heart sped up. He couldn’t fully open his eyes, but he could still see the troubled man before him, scowling at him. Race looked around for Spot, wondering if he’d gotten hurt too. But Race was alone. “They’re gone.”

The young FBI agent winced as the voice split through his brain. It didn’t matter how quiet it was. “Who?”

“It’s just me now.” Just him. Race didn’t know what that meant. He went to reach for his gun, before he realized he wasn’t just sitting in a chair, he was bound to it, wrists at his side and ankles pulled under the chair, neatly cinched together. He could barely move. There was something awful cooking in the corner. Race tried to see what it was, his eyes automatically drifting to the small stove, but the man in front of him grabbed his chin. “Don’t you look away from a man of God, you lousy little demon!”

Fighting the urge to flinch, Race swallowed hard. “Rafael?” he asked. “The angel, right? The lord, he sent you to deal with his sinners.” That’s what the man believed at least. “Wh-what do you have cooking? Sm-smells like fish—“

“You will learn to hold your tongue in the presence of a holy man,” Rafael growled. “Fish heart and liver help keep away the devil, so you can’t see into my mind.”

With a harsh swallow, Race shook his head. He tried to remind himself he could still breathe. “I can’t read your mind, I study human behavior, it’s all just evidence and data…” the boy closed his mouth when he saw the gun in the man’s hand.

A bullet was held right in front of Race’s face. “Do you know what this is?” Race didn’t dare answer. He wasn’t sure a quick quip wouldn’t get him killed, though it was all that came to mind. “This is God’s will.” He placed the single bullet into the revolver and spun it around till he didn’t know where it was. Race lost sight of it too, and tears began welling up.

Then he pointed it right between the young doctor’s eyes. Maybe Race hated being the kid on the team, maybe he hated the jokes and the way the team would never let him go out alone, but he would kill for one of Jack’s hugs right now, a tussle of his hair from Katherine, a pat on the shoulder from their fearless leader. He held back tears. He wasn’t ready to die. He tried to do the math in his head to calculate the odds. 83.3% chance of survival and all Race could focus on was there other 17.7%. “You don’t have to do this, I can help you.”

“That’s exactly what the Devil would say,” Rafael growled before pulling the trigger.

—

“He’s not here,” the words sent chills down Jack’s spine as Spot stared at the cornfield like he wished it would take him too.

Spot shook his head and looked back at the dogs he’d shot down. “It was all a distraction. I was so stupid—“

“You were being attacked, it wasn’t your fault,” Jack insisted, marching out of the room to try and find any kind of clue of where Dr. Anthony Higgins had been taken to.

—

When the door opened again, Race looked up at the man walking in. The same man who had been there before, but something about him was different, the way he carried himself. He had wood for the fire where the fish were being burned to keep the devil away. Race could feel blood trickling down the side of his head. He wiggled a bit in the ropes that held him still and sniffled. “Who are you?” Race asked. “Tobias?” Tobias. That was the man’s name, the real man’s name. Some would call him a host. He was multiple people living in one, twisted brain.

“Shut up, boy,” the man growled. “No talking.”

It was an order and Race knew it, but he couldn’t help himself. “I j-just wanted to thank you for trying to save me, f-for keeping us safe—“

There was no holding back the flinch that wracked Race’s body when his captor threw a piece of wood over his head. The agent ducked to try and keep his head intact. Then the man was hovering over him, hands on either side of Race’s hips. “Don’t try to lie to me, boy.”

This personality seemed older than the body it was in. Race pressed his legs together, not enjoying how helpless he felt beneath the much larger, very violent man who had him in a very hopeless position. “I would never lie to you,” Race insisted.

“Lying is a sin—“

“I’m not a liar, I’m not a liar,” Race tried as the man reached beneath the chair and untied Race’s leg. The boy kicked at him, knowing it wouldn’t do much good. His shoes were slid off of his feet and the man tightly held one of his ankles. He breathed hard. “Wait! Wait! Please!” His heart raced when he saw the man take out a small whip. “Wait!”

“This can be over quickly. Just confess to your sins,” the man instructed.

Still, Race shrugged. He didn’t know what that meant, if it meant the hurting would stop or his life. So he shook his head. “I’m not a sinner, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I can help you if you’ll let me. I can make one phone call and a friend can come out here and we can go confess our sins together—“ Race let out a cry when the whip came down on his foot.

“Shut up or I will have to shut you up myself,” the old man growled.

The young man squeezed his eyes shut when the whip was raised again. “But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners!” Race braced himself for pain but it didn’t come. “M-Matthew 9:13…”

The man was staring at him. “You know the Bible?”

Desperately, Race nodded. “Yes! I know the Bible—“

“The devil can read too,” the man remembered, raising up the whip again. The higher the angle, the more it would hurt.

“No! No, it’s not like that, I can recite it to you, the whole Bible, beginning to end,” Race pleaded. “I know it, every word.” It wasn’t even a lie. He did. He’d read it one morning. The man scowled at him. “Please, please, let me recite the Bible. Please let me recite the Bible…”

His captor just brought the whip down on the bottom of the boy’s bare feet.

When the man was done, Race was trying to breathe. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t show the man his scared he was, but when his captor held his face in his hand and thumbed at his tears, Race figured that was already out of the question. Now even if he did get out of the ropes, he couldn’t run, not like this. He glanced at the door waiting for it to be broken down, maybe by Denton or Spot, but all Race really wanted was Jack. He knew it was stupid but Jack was the only big brother he’d ever really had. Ever since they’d known each other, Jack had been the one protecting him with all he had.

When Race forced himself to look back up at his tormentor, he found that someone was gathering ingredients for a sandwich. He tilted his head. “Tobias?” he whispered.

The man turned back, his eyes wide. “Oh, he hurt you,” he noted, looking down at Race’s feet. “I’m sorry.” The apology ended there. Tobias sighed and grabbed the rope that had been around Race’s ankles and began to put them exactly there, tying the agents feet so they couldn’t brush against the ground. They were pulled beneath the chair. “I’m sorry I have to do this, father would kill me if I didn’t—“

“Tobias, you have to let me go,” Race pleaded. “I can help, all you have to do is let me.”

“You help? N-no, I help you,” he insisted, pulling a small vile and a needle out of his pocket and placing them on the floor. Race began to panic at that, struggling when Tobias wrapped a belt around his arm.

“Wait, no, please, please don’t—“

“It’ll help,” Tobias insisted, filling the needle and raising it to the crease of Race’s elbow.

The young blond shook his head. “No, no, I don’t want it, i-it no! No!” he screamed but the liquid was injected into his bloodstream anyway, making his cries and struggles go weak. Soon enough, the doctor’s head pulled back and all Race could do was stare blankly at the ceiling, praying he would be found in time. It wasn’t long till his eyes fell shut.

—

David was typing away at computers, trying like hell to find anything that could lead them to where Race was being kept. Jack had his hands on his shoulders when the screens went dark. “What happened?” Jack asked.

The tech genius shook his head and squinted. “I don’t know—“

They both froze when a clear image of Anthony showed up on each and every screen. Jack’s eyes widened. “Denton! Get in here!” he yelled. Race’s chin was down to his chest. He looked out of it. The whole team came running in and Jack didn’t notice.

The typing of the keyboard was loud as David tried to track the feed but nothing was working. “I can’t get a trace,” he grumbled, still trying.

A hand tightened in Race’s hair and pulled his head up. Race’s head was still beating. In fact, his eye was just about swollen completely. He breathed hard, looking around with his one good eye as the man with a hood over his head walked behind the camera. “He’s been beaten,” Jack noted. “When we find this guy, I’ll have his goddamn head on a stick!”

“Kelly,” Denton warned, a hand on Jack’s shoulder.

Race groaned and blinked slowly, shifting in his restraints. “Good morning, boy,” the old man said, back again it seemed. “Time to be the saving grace you always wanted to be,” he said, pointing at the three screens in front of him. “Two of them will die today. You get to chose who lives.”

The young man breathed hard and shook his head. “No,” he whispered. He could see the camera. It was one. “I’m not choosing. I’m not, please, let me go, we can talk about this—“ A hand tightened around Race’s neck.

“You chose one to save or I kill them all, and you save no one,” the man growled. Race whimpered so his captor shook him more, making the boy flinch. “I’m no liar, boy!” Race was shoved back against his chair with tears in his eyes. “The rest of the devils are watching. You tell me which one to save and they get the address.”

The camera. Race’s eyes flickered to it. They were there. They were watching, his team was watching. It took everything inside Race to remain calm and not immediately start begging them to just come and find him, please come and find him. So he swallowed hard and looked at the screens in front of him. He sniffled and picked, “the far right screen.” All the boy could do was sit and wait as the man wrote down a name and an address and showed the camera.

Race watched the screen go dark and he bit his lip. “Rafael…” he whispered before the man turned the camera off. He let more tears fall as the man left him watching those cameras, waiting for these innocent people to be murdered.

—

It felt like weeks. Race felt lightheaded, like he’d been drugged again. He wouldn’t be surprised. “Anthony? Anthony, if you can hear me, you’re stronger than him. He cannot break you…”

“Todd?” Race whispered. But the voice was gone in a second. Race lifted his gaze to the screens that Tobias was standing in front of. Replaying something. That’s when Race saw them. Todd. Todd Kloppman was trying to comfort him and when Race saw it, he melted, only wanting to cry more. But when Tobias turned to him, Race froze. “N-no, no..” he whimpered, struggling against the ropes once again. “Please, please, I didn’t do anything,” he whimpered.

“How do you read minds?”

“I don’t!” The beating started then. Race didn’t know the camera was on. He didn’t care. He just cried. He didn’t care anymore. He didn’t want to die. “Tobias! Help me, please, Tobias—“

“Tobias can’t help you, boy!”

Race shivered. He shook his head. “Jackie… Jack, please help me, please find me, please help me,” he begged. He didn’t know if Jack could hear him or if anyone would even miss him if he were killed right now, all he could do was hope. “I’m not a sinner, please, please help me…” the beating didn’t stop. Race saw a flash of a gravestone in the corner.

A gun was placed between his eyes again. “Which one of your teammates gets to die now, angel of death? Which one?”

“No! No! I won’t! I won’t choose!” Race cried. “No!” The man began to pull the trigger. 80% chance of survival. 75%. 66.7%. “Wait! Wait! Agent Bryan Denton! D-Denton…” he pleaded. “K-kill him, he’s a narcissist, please. He always tried to pretend like he was a father to me, but he’ll never be my real father—“ He prayed the camera was on. They had to find it, they had to understand.

The man nodded and left Race alone again after turning off the camera.

Only moments later, did he come back, a knife in hand. He sliced through Race’s bonds. “Stand and grab a shovel. Now.”

Race was too scared to protest. He stood and shakily grabbed the shovel as Tobias pointed a gun at him. “Walk…”

—

That’s how Race ended up in a cemetery, digging his own grave. He was trembling, sweating. His feet were screaming out in pain and he just wanted this to be over. “Any coward who turns on family deserves to die. You’ll go in alive as I bury you to give you time to think about what you’ve done.”

Race didn’t respond. He couldn’t. He just squeezed his eyes shut and cried, before he was able to look up at the man. “I’m sorry…” he whimpered. “I’m not st-strong enough ta dig—“

“Don’t talk back to me!“ Race grabbed at the gun on Tobias’s waist as his captor charged at him and he pointed it up at the man. 50% chance of survival. “There’s only one bullet in that gun, boy—“ the man raised up his knife so Race shot. The bullet hit the man right in the chest and Tobias fell to the ground. Race tried desperately to stand.

“Tony!” someone screamed.

Race couldn’t scream back. All he could do was crawl over to the man and hover before reaching into his pocket and stealing the suppressant he’d been using to keep Race subdued. In an instant, arms were around him, pulling him away and laying him down. “Tony, Racer, breathe, okay?”

“Jack,” Race’s hoarse voice managed to get out.

Jack hugged him tightly. “They’ve got him, you’re safe now, you’re safe,” he promised. “Where’re you hurt?”

Race sniffled. “M-my feet…” he whimpered. “I d-don’t know if I can walk…”

Jack nodded and smiled sadly. “That’s okay,” he whispered. “Put your arm around me, yeah?” Race did. It was all he could do. And he let Jack carry him to safety, knowing he may never be let out into the field again if his big brother had anything to say about it.

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mjlovescm · 2 years

Text

8- A different point of view

Completed, 30 chapters, “Grey” Fezco O’Neill x black fem reader

Trigger warning: Rue begging Fezco for drugs, mentions of drugs and addiction

You wondered if those two weeks meant anything. The same way, you wondered if that time in rehab meant anything. Maybe it was a situation like the one with Mouse. Dangerous and forceful. And though Rue was happy once she was high, she was still somewhat coerced into taking them.

Or maybe she hit some kind of breaking point.

“Fez? Fez Ive had a really fucked up day, all right? Look, it's been a really fucked up day, okay?” Her eyes gloss over and tears begin to form.

Something that stressed her to desperation where she felt drugs were the only thing that could fix it. To you, it didn't make sense, but you weren't an addict, so of course it didn't. For Rue, this was the only way to fix or forget whatever had happened that drove her here.

“So I need you to open the door for me, okay?” Her voice started to sound wary, losing its false playfulness. “Can you open the door, please?”

You wished more than anything to on the other side of that door, but no. Instead, you stood frozen in place watching his all happen. Well, technically hearing it from the stairs. You came just to talk and leave. But now you found yourself wondering how many times in the past, Fezco had been in this exact position. If not with Rue, then maybe with other people, other friends or even people he considered family like her. Who started out curious but overtime escalated more and more become addicted, overdosed and even died.

“I’m not gon help you kill yourself, Rue.” He paused and shook his head slightly. “I’m sorry, but you can’t be coming over here no more.” He starts to close the door. “Just go home.”

“Don’t-- Fez! Don’t close the--.” She yells, but he ignores her ad shuts the door. “Fuck! Fez.” Rue bangs on the door. “Open the fucking door, please? I’m begging you, just open the door.”

He presses his head to the door and closes his eyes.

“Fez! You're full of shit, man” There’s an obvious desperation in Rue’s tone, her angry only adds to it. “You know you make your living off of selling drugs to teenagers. And now all of a sudden you want to have a fucking moral high ground?”

Fezco turns away from the door and remained silent. Staring at the ground while Rue continued to spew harsh words. But quickly they go from harsh to just plain out mean.

“You're a fucking dropout drug dealer. You know that? You're a fucking dropout drug dealer with seven functioning fucking brain cells.” She bangs against the door. “Open the door! Fuck you! Fuck you, Fez. Okay? Are you doing this because you care about me? If you gave a shit about me, you wouldn't have sold me the fucking drugs in the first place! But you did! You fucking did!”

He sighs, riddled with guilty, and runs his hand over his head.

“So open the goddamned door! Open the door!”

“I can't do it, Rue. I'm sorry.”

“Open the door!” She repeats four times. “You did this to me! You fucking -- You did this to me, Fez. You fucking ruined my life! The least you could do is open the goddamned door and fix it!”

You weren't sure how long you'd been listening, but it felt so slow and so agonizing. Listen to your sister beg and plead with Fezco. Quickly abandoning her false chill demeanor once she realized he wasn't budging and becoming mean and nasty.

“I'm fucking serious. I'm so fucking serious. If you don't open this door right now, I swear to God, I will hate you, till the day I fucking die.”

“I’m sorry.” Is all he mutters before leaving the door.

“You fucking did this to me!” She sobs as she bangs on the door. “Open the fucking door. Open the door, Fez. Come on, man!” Her bangs become rapid. “This is so fucked up!”

It almost didn't sound like Rue at all, not a version of her that you knew. And it wasn't like Rue had never said awful things to you before. Because she had many, many times she had, but this wasn't just anger or frustration. It was dependency, need, desperation. Addiction.

Fezco found you at the stairs, where you'd been this entire time. The eye contact was immediate. For a moment, neither of you spoke, letting Rue’s words clear from the air like dust and debris. You tried to speak eventually, but you didn't know what to say and even if you did, it wasn't like anything would come out. Nothing that would make sense.

“I’m sorry.”

You attempt again to form or muster up anything to say, but still nothing. What, You rush past him and go to the door, but by the time you get there Rue is gone. Quickly, your focus shift from what Rue said to where she was.

“Do you know where she's going?” Your voice cracked while you spoke between sobs.

He opens his mouth to say something, anything that would comfort you, but he closes it and holds himself back. He shrugs and shakes his head.

“It’s --.” You take a breath in an attempt to calm yourself. “It’s fine, I have her um location”

“That's good.” He nods. His words are empty and there's a resounding frown on his face.

A beat of silence, then another and another. The two of not speaking and just sort of standing there. No eye contact this time, Fezco makes sure of it. After what just happened with Rue, he can't bring himself to look you in the eyes.

“C-can you help me look for her.” A pause. “I don't -uh have a car and Rue’s probably on her bike.” You added to rationalize with him.

Fezco sighs and nods before going to get his keys. You weren't sure how long you and Fez spent following Rue. But you knew it had to have been some time, quickly the sun faded from the sky and the road was lit by streetlights. You found her eventually at some diner doing god knows what.

“You need me to take yall home?” He asks, eyes still not meeting yours.

The first thing he’s said the entire drive. It takes you a moment to answer, but you decide against it.

“No, I’ll just call us and Uber.”

He nods and the silence returns. You leave the car and go inside the diner, where you find Rue talking to an older man. It doesn't look like some kind of drug deal, so you waited and let then continue to talk. After a few minutes, your phone pinged with a notification. A text.

𝙵𝚎𝚣

𝚃𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚑𝚘𝚖𝚎

𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎

You smiled at first at his concern, something that others seemed to be lacking when it came to you. But quickly it fades once your eyes set on the messenger. It was just a blank contact. Only his name and number, a far cry from what it once was. But a sadly accurate depiction of you and him now.

𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕

Next chapter ;)

All chapters :)

#mjlovescm #black fem reader #fezco o'neill #fezco x reader #euphoria #fezco

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yourwattpadmom · 1 year

Text

King of the Damned Part 3

This is the 3rd part of King of the Damned. I published it on Wattpad a while ago, but forgot to post it here. Sorry! I’m almost done with Part 4, so that will be up shortly.

If you haven’t read the earlier parts:

Part 1

Part 2

Trigger Warnings: None for this chapter.

Part 3 - The Choice

Song for this chapter: Hallowed Ground - Bishop Briggs

From dawn till dusk.

That's how much time she gave him. After he had regained his strength the night before, she had somehow gotten clothes for him to wear so he could leave the hotel in something other than bits and pieces of shredded leather. When he asked about her clothes, she simply smiled at him like he was cute for asking, but said not to worry. That people didn't see her if she didn't want them to.

Which was a whole new mind fuck for him. Vampires could make themselves invisible? He wondered if all vampires could, or if that was just her.

How would he know if she was nearby? He couldn't really feel anything through this "bond" that she had created. But he hoped that it would somehow alert him if she was nearby.

He asked how he would find her to give her his answer at the end of the day, and she simply smirked at him and disappeared. After thinking for it a bit, he realized it was a stupid question. She had told him that with the bond she would be able to find him. He just had to be ready with an answer.

Last night was..... fuck. It was indescribable, really. His mind was reeling from all the new information. At his reality being shattered, and yet, somehow making complete sense now. The reason he never quite felt like he fit in anywhere. The way he could feel other energies he couldn't really explain. Of course there was more to the world than what they could see. What they were told was real. People were trying to say that all the time, but were dismissed as 'crazy' or 'weird'.

What if the reason he never felt like he fit in was because he didn't? At least, not in the human world? What if he was meant to fit in another world? One hidden away from humans. Another big question he had - what other things besides vampires were there? Were all the stories true? Werewolves? Fae? Goblins? The fucking Loch Ness Monster? Where did the stories end and the truth begin? And was he really ready to find out?

His curiosity was winning over any arguments he had in his brain that were trying to convince him it was a bad idea to involve himself permanently in a world he knew nothing about. But overriding his curiosity about that world was his desire for HER. Estrilda. He was captivated. Even now, not being in her presence, she had woven her way into his mind, his body, his soul. He had never felt such a connection with anyone. At the time, he figured it was her magic making him feel that way. And now, he supposes, she could have done something when she drank from him to keep that feeling going. But when he assesses his feelings, he realizes that very little of what he was drawn to was her vampirism. It was simply...HER.

But was she worth giving up his humanity for? His friends and family and life as he knew it? He knew the trade-offs she offered were what most people could only wish for. Immortality.. Power...Mind-numbing pleasure... But he had never sought out those first two. Though he could definitely get on board for that third. But the cost was high. He didn't every really consider himself religious, but he did believe in souls. And the possibility of losing his.... forever..... was terrifying. Would he even be himself anymore if he didn't have his soul? What about his family? He never was close to them, even though he was an only child. But they were still his parents. His friends? Well, they all thought he was a bit weird anyways. He didn't have many he was close with. They all started out really liking him, thinking he was attractive and fun to be around. But whenever he would start talking about metaphysics or vocalized his observations or predictions about the future, they would inevitably freak out enough to back away from him. They always went from "Oh, have you met Harry?? He's amazing!" to "Oh, you've met Harry? Yeah, he's a bit weird." It was exhausting to even try to make friends anymore. The constant rejection when he put himself out there was just too much for a someone as sensitive to emotions as he was.

So no, he wouldn't miss his "friends". They mostly invited him to parties because they knew if he came, others would come, just to be around him. Because even though he was too "weird" to get really close to, he was still attractive, and incredibly captivating and charismatic. People were drawn to him naturally, and as long as he didn't try to talk too much, they liked how they felt around him. He often thought of those people as 'vampires', actually. "Energy vampires." They were happy to take whatever energy they could feed off from him, but would never give him anything back. He had to learn pretty young how to draw kind of a barrier between him and other people so their thoughts and feelings wouldn't get too overwhelming for him. So their constant attention didn't completely drain him. He found a lot of meditations and visualizations helped. That's what he was doing in the back yard when Estrilda had found him. Nature always helped him.

That's where he was now. In nature. In his favorite place. He had found this amazing clearing in a forest quite by accident, but it felt....sacred. There were trees surrounding him, and soft grass around a small waterfall and river, with a few large rocks perfect for sitting on close to the water. It always reminded him of one of those paintings that had magical creatures in it. It certainly looked as though some fairies decided this would be a good spot for gatherings and simply made it just for them. He always felt a peaceful calmness in this space. Whenever he needed a 'battery reboot', or to clear himself of any nasty energy clinging to him, he came here. He found that when he dipped his feet in the water, it cleared his mind even more. And that's what he needed. A clear mind.

It was surprisingly warm for the end of October. There was still a crispness to the air that comes with late autumn, but the sun was out. A rarity, for sure. And it was warm, beating down on his body, warming his skin where the air had cooled it.

This was another thing he would miss. The feeling of the sun. She had said they could go out in the sun, but that it was incredibly painful. He would never feel the sun like this again. Caressing his skin gently. Warming him from the inside out.

He wondered what else he would be giving up that she hadn't told him about.

Despite the chilly air, he felt warmed enough by the sun to put his feet in the water. He carefully removed his socks and shoes and placed them next to the rock. Rolling up his pants legs he dipped one foot in, swearing softly at the cold water, before lowering his other foot. After a few minutes, they were too numb to be cold, and he could feel the soothing powers of the water washing away the tension from his body. Clearing the webs from his mind, and leaving a cool, refreshing feeling in his bones. It was like the water had seeped under his skin, infused his veins and washed through his body. That feeling cleaning him from within, before washing back out into the water. Like a 'rinse cycle' for his soul.

His soul.

That was the biggest sacrifice when it all came down to it. He only saw his parents every few years as it was. He didn't have any close friends. He didn't feel like he 'fit in' with humanity. But his soul. THAT he was more connected to than anything else in his life. It was HIM. How could he be HIMSELF if he didn't have a soul?? He had always believed that our purpose on this earth was soul evolution. To grow, to learn, to deal with Karma from past lives and work on evolving and moving towards enlightenment. If he gave up his soul, then were all his past lives for naught? All the learning and growing - only to give it up? And what would happen to it? To him? Did she actually SAY that he wouldn't have a soul? How did she know? How did that work? Because he swore he felt a connection with her, and what was that feeling if not her soul connecting with his? Maybe she was wrong. She was a very old being, sure, but she could still be wrong, right? He didn't know how anyone could connect the way they did without both of them having their souls.

A splash distracted him from his thoughts, and he quickly turned his head towards the noise. It was a very large splash. It had come from over nearby the waterfall. He kept his eyes trained on the area, but this time with the open mind that there might be things there beyond what his human eyes were trained to see. He let his mind open to the possibilities of seeing The Other. The realm beyond the human or physical realm.

And he saw it.

First he saw a head, a human head, and arms, and then a huge tail as it splashed again, breaking the surface. A fucking mermaid. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me", Harry muttered to himself.

He shook his head and let out a low chuckle at the irony of him seeking out a place to think about giving up the human world, only to find comfort in a place obviously not made for humans. No wonder he had always felt so peaceful here.

He knew that he was not supposed to have seen the mermaid, and he really wasn't ready for another magical being to proposition him, or get angry with him for being there. So he pretended he saw nothing, and calmly pulled his feet from the water and dried them best as he could with the outside of his socks before putting them back on his damp feet, followed by his shoes.

He rose and took a few deep breaths, breathing in the purity and peacefulness of the clearing around him. He turned his face up to the sun and allowed it to kiss his skin once more.

He had made his decision. He just had some loose ends to tie up before dusk....

.................................................

Estrilda had been resting most of the day, knowing she would need her strength for tonight. She spent much of her time researching Harry, to know everything about him. She had her Seethe find any and all information about him, his family, his friends, and even had her most trusted vampire do a thorough genealogical search to see if she could find a reason for his special abilities. Just because he thought was was purely human didn't mean he was. And she couldn't be breaking any rules simply because she hadn't done her research.

She was pleased to find out that it didn't seem like Harry had many people he was close to that she could tell. Parents that were divorced and distant, busy in their own lives. He was raised mostly by nannies, apparently. He had a decent income, but wasn't wealthy by any means. He ran his own business doing parlor tricks like tarot and psychic readings, energy clearings and the such. She was fairly sure that if he were to disappear, no one would be over much surprised, or distraught. Which was perfect for her.

The most intriguing thing that she had found was that Harry's family had come from a line of Salem witches back in the 1600's. An ancestor of his had managed to escape the brutal witch trials, and moved far away to start a new life. This might explain some of his heightened abilities, but since he technically was not a witch himself, she wasn't breaking any rules by changing him.

So she spent the remainder of the day preparing. She fed well, so she would be able to stop when she had to in order for Harry to survive The Change. If she took too much, he would simply cross over into the land of the dead permanently, and she wouldn't be able to bring him back. And with how addictive and delicious his blood was, she had had a very difficult time controlling herself the night before.

The feelings Harry evoked in her should have made her nervous to change him. But they had quite the opposite effect. She was excited. It's very easy to become bored over the centuries because nothing really new ever happened. To her, anyways. Yes, the world changed around them, but food tasted like food. And by food, she meant humans. They roughly all tasted the same, just with slightly different tones. Much like red wine. Sex was sex. Enjoyable, pleasurable. But nothing new.

The only thing that had really brought her amusement and happiness over the years was how music had changed. She found something she liked in every new era of music. This was a constantly evolving and changing thing, and she enjoyed watching the humans react to it as well. Music was the only thing that could really evoke.....feelings.... in her. For the most part, she felt an empty void where her soul should have been. But some music could bring different feelings into that void. It was....soothing.

It was almost dusk, almost time for her to go to him. She had told her Seethe she had found their new family member, and that she would be bringing him back for The Change. She let it be known, under threat of permanent death, that NO ONE was to feed from him but her. She didn't even want them seeing him, to be honest. She felt quite territorial about him, which was another new feeling for her. So they knew to stay away from her wing of the mansion until they were invited back. Only her second in command would be allowed, to serve them, bring them anything needed to make The Change more comfortable for the both of them.

He approached her now. "My Queen, do you need anything before you go? Is there anything you would like me to prepare for your return?" He didn't ask her any questions about the mortal she had chosen. He knew better than to question her judgement by asking if she was sure she had made the right choice. She was his Queen. His Creator. He would never question her.

"Yes, Zayn. Please make sure the room is warm, that there is extra blood nearby if we need it, and that no one disturbs us." She smiled at him. She had chosen well with Zayn. He was one of her first fledglings, and she couldn't be happier with how he had turned out. He was incredibly special to her.

"Yes, Mistress." He bowed and turned to do her bidding.

Estrilda looked at the fading sun outside and opened her bond to Harry. True to her word, she had given him from dawn till dusk to put his affairs in order and make his decision, free of her influence. Now she would find out if she was right about him. She hoped he had abided by her rules and didn't try to lie to her. She would be very sad if she had to kill him before she had truly gotten to enjoy him.

She quickly pinpointed his location, and in a flash she was in his apartment. She wanted to wait a few moments before letting herself become visible to him. She wanted to observe him without his awareness of her presence, to see what he was like with his guard down.

But it was a futile desire on her part. As soon as she entered the room, he immediately tensed up as he felt her presence. He didn't need to see her to know she was there. He had actually felt a small tingle moments prior to her arrival, that must have signaled her opening their bond. He looked around the flat, not seeing her, but feeling the thickness pulse of energy she carried with her always.

"Estrilda?" He called out. He knew she was there. "Why won't you let me see you?" He spoke into the seemingly empty room.

Estrilda shouldn't have been surprised by his perception. She had seen firsthand how sensitive he was to her presence. She smiled at the power of his perception as she let herself be seen.

"I should have known better than to try to hide from you..." She shimmered before solidifying in her form and sauntered towards him.

His mouth went dry, pulse speeding up as his eyes drank her in like parched lips. She wore a glossimer thin white gown, with slits in the legs on both sides up to her hips, and in the middle up just below the junction of her thighs. The fabric flowed loosely around her long toned legs before cinching at her waist like a delicate sheer corset. The top was a plunging neckline all the way down to the top of the corset waist, showing her delectable cleavage, reminding him of how her breasts had felt in his palms the night before. The sleeves billowed much like the skirt, with slits opening the arms from the shoulder to the elbow, only to part completely after the small tie at the elbow. Her dark skin glowed against the white fabric. She was ethereal.

She looked like an angel, not a creature from the devil. His preconceived notions had expected her to show up in gold, or red, or black. He should have known that she wouldn't fall into the stereotypes he held in his head.

He gulped as his whole body vibrated with need for this vision in front of him. He had already made his decision, but if he had harbored any doubts, seeing her would have immediately silenced them.

He had spent the afternoon readying his affairs in preparation. He had sent out emails to any clients he had scheduled, cancelling their sessions. He posted on social media he was going on a 5 year retreat, unsure of his return, wishing everyone all the best. He had called his parents and told them he would not be available for the foreseeable future, but would contact them when he could. He told them he loved them. He handed in his notice to his landlord, and hired a moving company to move his things into a storage unit. It should have depressed him how quickly he could pack his life up. But he could only find relief in that it was as simple as it was, so he could be ready for her arrival.

Estrilda was pleased at his reaction to her. She knew the white would surprise him. It always did. She didn't know why humans thought vampires wouldn't wear white. Was it because it was harder to wash blood out of? As if they minded blood stains. And this dress would be red by the end of the night anyways. She was sure of it.

"Have spoken to anyone about what I told you? About my kind?" She paused to wait, knowing if he lied to her or said yes, her dress would be red much sooner than she had wanted it to be, and with a very different outcome than she had in mind.

"No." His answer was swift and honest.

Pleased, she asked the next most important question.

"Have you made your decision?" She cocked her head as she continued to glide towards him slowly, taking in the scent of his blood pumping faster and faster through his body, her hunger growing despite having fed well during the day.

"Y..Yes..." Harry managed to stutter out, her presence making it difficult for him to force coherent sounds out of his mouth.

"And?" She asked with a smile, already knowing the answer. She could see it. She could feel it.

Harry forced his eyes to close, breaking contact with her, taking a deep breath to bring himself back to his body. He had one more question for her. Though he decided that his answer was going to be the same, regardless of what hers was.

Looking back up, he found his voice and managed a full sentence, "I have one more question, if you would allow me, please..."

"Of course you do." She couldn't decide if she was irritated or amused, so she decided she was a little bit of both. What she was certain of was that she was getting impatient. She had never given anyone this long to choose before, or allowed so many questions. "Ask it, then we will proceed..."

Harry was surprised at the strength of his own voice as he asked his final question, "What happens to my soul if I become one of you?"

Estrilda was taken aback by his question. She had never been asked that before. Most human wanted more tangible answers. Like, would they ever die? Or how much would it hurt? Or would they have to kill people? No one had asked about their soul before.

She stopped in her movements towards him and furrowed her brows, thinking about his question. Truth was, she didn't know, exactly. She was told that it left during the process of The Change, thinking its body was no longer alive. Which was a good thing, because most souls couldn't maintain sanity with the amount of death that vampires lived with....and caused.

She was as honest with him as she could be. "I can't answer what happens to your soul, Harry. I know it leaves your body during The Change, since souls do not stay in bodies that are not alive. I think it a blessing, because a soul sensitive and good like yours would have a difficult time dealing with the amount of death that we live with as vampires..."

Harry closed his eyes to process this information. Of course he had no idea what to expect. But something told him that it was more complicated than her reply. He had a deep knowing in his gut that his soul would not leave, that he would still be himself, but perhaps an improved version of himself, after going through The Change.

"OK," He finally spoke. "Thank you. For your honesty. For the gift of the time you've given me. Your answer doesn't change my decision, I just needed to know. To prepare myself....." He stepped towards her, hand reaching out to gently caress her face, fingers softly grazing her cheek.

"I'm ready.....I'm yours."

Estrilda smiled widely at his words, fangs flashing in her mouth, eyes glowing with happiness and hunger.

"I know."

.....................................................

She made him drive them to her home. Said it would drain her too much to get them both there the way she came, and she needed her strength as much as he needed his. It felt surreal to Harry to be driving his car sitting next to a Vampire Queen. It was even more surreal that she kept playing with the radio to find a song she liked. For some reason, he just didn't think about vampires liking music. Well, modern music anyways. He had had the image in his mind of them only enjoying instrumental or opera music. Another stereotype busted in his mind.

It shocked him to his core when she had gotten excited about Queen playing on one of the stations and had sat back to start singing along. He was captivated by her melodic voice as much as he was entertained to find out not even vampires were immune to the powers of Bohemian Rhapsody.

"Come on, Harry, I know you know the words," she looked at him expectedly. In that moment, she didn't look like an ancient vampire queen. She looked like a youthful and happy woman, enjoying a drive.

He couldn't help but smile back and start singing along to the chorus.

"I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me.."

"He's just a poor boy from a poor family... spare him his life from this monstrosity.."

They switched off lyrics, building up to the crescendo chorus, until they joined in together:

"Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me...... for me......For MEEEE!!"

Harry reached forward and cranked up the lyrics and they did the only thing one does when the drums and guitar went off.

They headbanged and shouted out the rest of the song together at full volume.

The song came to it's typical epic ending, as they were nearing their destination. Harry slowed the car as he came to the narrow road at the same time the music slowed down. He reached forward and turned the volume down.

He had needed that. Something normal in the insanity of the last 24 hours. And something that showed him that there would still be something normal in his life after he Changed. He felt even more confident that perhaps some vampires at least managed to hang on to their souls. Because he didn't understand how anyone without a soul could enjoy music the way that she seemed to.

She laid her head back on the headrest and turned her face to smile at him, "You're surprised.."

His smile matched her own, dimples indicating his happiness in that moment, "I am. I know I keep on assuming stereotypes, but I never thought vampires would enjoy this kind of music, or would headbang...or had watched Wayne's World!"

"Oh, Harry," she sighed, "Eternity truly would be a curse if you didn't find ways to have fun and enjoy yourself. Music and movies have been some of my favorite advances in society in the last 100 years. So much better than the dark ages. Whenever cultures advance in some way, music and art has always led the way. You'll see..."

The realization that he would live to see what society and the world would come up with in the next 100....200...500 years or more was just too much for his mind to truly comprehend. Instead he focused on his driving as they came to the end of the road and he saw the magnificent mansion splayed out before him. Now this. THIS is where he would expect a vampire queen to live. He was glad at least one of the stereotypes had played out correctly. It looked old, yet updated and modern at the same time. It had gothic architecture that reminded him of a castle, even though it was at the end of a private road out in the woods.

His mouth dropped open as he leaned forward to take it all in. Finally stopping the car in front of the manor, he wasted no time in getting out so he could truly take in the magnificent building in front of him.

Estrilda let him take his time looking at his new home for the next 200 years. And she hoped, for longer.

When it seemed as though his eyes had taken their fill, she held out her hand to him and simply commanded him, "Come."

Together they walked inside where he was just as in awe of the interior as he was the exterior. He was amused at the copious amounts of crosses that seemed to decorate the house in a somewhat mocking way. But it was clean, open, and tasteful. There were heavy drapes in front of the windows, but he figured that was out of necessity since sunlight was painful to them. Since it was nighttime, though, the drapes had been pulled back, allowing the light of the moon to illuminate the dark empty rooms. There were simple lamps and wall sconces lighting their way as she led him up a staircase and down a long hallway. He wondered where the other vampires were, since she had called this her Seethe, and mentioned a 'family' of sorts.

They finally came to a large wooden door, that she quickly opened and walked through. He followed at a slower pace, taking in as much as he could of the decor, the paintings that looked familiar. He realized that they were probably original paintings by the old artists themselves, the kind that should be in a museum. But of course, she had likely gotten them right when they had been created.

His eyes danced around the room, taking in the soft hues, the chaise lounge and large wingback chair in the corner, the bookshelves lined with likely rare and first editions (though he swore he saw some modern works on there too - was that Anne Rice?), the fireplace that had a fire warming the space. They finally landed on the large 4 poster bed sitting in the center of the space. With what looked like restraints tied to the corners of the posts.... For fun or necessity? He wondered as a chill went up his spine.

Estrilda gave him a moment to observe his surroundings, to get comfortable. But the hour was getting late. And she had already given him more time than was prudent. She was taking a moment to ensure that everything was as she needed for what was to come, and then made her way back over to Harry.

His eyes stopped their roving and immediately landed on her as soon as she started to walk towards him again. This was it. He started to feel nerves bubble up in his belly as his mouth felt like cotton. His skin and hands were clammy, as it seemed all the moisture that was supposed to be in his mouth was suddenly being extruded by his skin instead.

"Wha.....What now?" He stammered out, his heart pounding loud enough for her to hear it even without vampiric hearing abilities.

Estrilda could feel his nerves in her own body, as the waves of fear exuded off him. This is the part they were always afraid, or nervous. But she had never felt it in reflected in her own body before. Interesting. He was more than just an empath then. He could imprint his emotions onto others as well. That was going to be fun to teach him how to control, she thought. Under the nerves she felt from him, though, she felt an underlying excitement, which pleased her greatly. He was brave, her Choice.

She closed the distance between them, pressing her body against his, feeling the same electrical connection as the night before, two charges sparking as they met. She placed her hand on his chest against his bare skin where his button up shirt was parted. Now she could feel his heartbeat as well as smell it and hear it. As soon as her skin touched his, the nerves that had been emanating off him was replaced by arousal and excitement. She looked up into his face, and saw that lust reflected in his green eyes that seemed to be glowing in the darkness. His pupils were already dilated, showing a hunger that she didn't expect to see yet. But this hunger was for her, not for the blood he would be craving soon. She indulged herself in his eyes for a moment, enjoying that for now, that hunger was ONLY for her.

"Now," she purred, "We begin...."

Part 4 - The Change

______________________________________________________________________________

Author's Note

Please don't kill me.

I was totally going to have this chapter be The Change. But I'm already over 5K words, and I decided to have an entire chapter dedicated solely to that instead of one chapter that was going to end up being like, 13K words.

It'll do my best to make it worth the wait, I promise. I just wanted to do it justice.

Estrilda’s Dress, as I imagined it:

And of course, Vampire Zayn. You’re welcome. See? You can’t be mad at me. I gave you Vampire Zayn!!

Thanks for reading! :)

#harry styles smut #harry styles au #Harry Styles #vampire #fanfic

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philip-the-ghost · 1 year

Text

A Mid Sized Short Story - The Life I Lived.

The Life I Lived

By Raul Gomez

Prologue

Have you ever looked into the mirror, and just blankly stared back at yourself and realized how much you hate yourself? Have you ever woken up from time to time thinking to yourself, maybe just maybe today is the day it finally happens. Today is the day it all finally ends; today is the day you die. I don’t know about you but lately that’s been going on and on in my head every day. Hi, my name is David, and this is my dreadful story.

Ever since I could remember I’ve always struggled with this overbearing amount of depression. And I’m not just talking about your typical type of sadness, I’m talking about the whole wanting to die type of depression. Now I know what you are thinking, you’re probably thinking “oh great another weak-minded asshole that is just looking for some type of reinforcement from people.” To be completely honest with you, I really don’t care what you have to say or what you even remotely think of me. You can shove your opinions right up your ass. I’m here to tell you a story, one that I feel would help people understand me a little better.

If you take a moment to think, and really think about this. What is the biggest reason many people take their own lives? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not because they feel alone in the world. It’s because they have no way of explaining what they feel, unfortunately nowadays if you try to open up to anyone they immediately judge you and make you feel like you’re stupid or you’re just not worth their time. I myself have come to find that if you can find any little way possible to get your word out, it can make all the difference. This is mine.

For those of you that have always had questions about me listen up, because I’m about to answer them all.

Part I

Although my childhood wasn’t entirely bad as others, I have a very vague memory of it. I guess you can say I brought that upon myself, with all the drug use and beatings I used to get on a daily basis. It all took a toll in the end. Oh and I was never beaten by my parents if that’s what you’re thinking, due to the massive drug use I had a very violent reputation. Main cause of it all was being bullied on a daily basis in school. I would use drugs to escape the pain of it all, numbing every single part of my body just so I wouldn’t feel anything when they would hold me down and beat me. I must say they were smart trying not to bruise my face so much so it wouldn’t be obvious.

I was always a quiet kid so it was never out of the ordinary when I kept to myself to avoid being questioned by people about the bruising. It wasn’t so bad at the time, well up until they took my best friend away from me. I still remember it clearly in my head, I still dream about it till this day. The moment is just embedded into my brain, no matter what I try to do I just can’t leave it behind. But then again, how could you forget such a fucked-up situation like that.

It was April 26, 2008, my best friend and I were on our way home from school when a group of guys from a nearby local high school were walking around intoxicated as all hell, messing with people and beating up random kids from my middle school. They surrounded us and began to beat the living hell out of us. My friend at the time had a small pocket knife on him and threatened to use it on them if they didn’t leave us alone. They didn’t even flinch, they beat my friend until he couldn’t even speak.

They pinned me down on the floor and made me watch the entire thing. That’s when one of the guys took out a gun, and I’ll never forget it. It was a .32 special, he aimed it at my best friend’s head. Then proceeded to look me in the eyes and say, “This is what happens when you man up to the wrong people.” He pulled the trigger and killed my best friend in front of me. They were never caught, I spent every single day alone after that. I Never spoke to anyone, even when people would approach me I would never answer. I’d just stay quiet and keep to myself. I always thought to myself about trading places with him and having them kill me instead. I hated myself for not being able to do anything to save him. I spent every single day after that just hoping that one day I could finally get revenge on all of them for what they had done. Two years later, now a freshman in high school I see them.

All of them were still hanging out closely together like nothing had happened. I remember I walked right past them to see if they recognized me, but they didn’t. Every day after that I would just observe everything they did and everywhere they would go. Shit I knew where their classes were, I even knew where three of them lived. One of them was only a block away from me and I didn’t even know. It wasn’t until a while after when I started to get comfortable and began to get ideas about how I would avenge my best friend. Luckily, I had a friend who had “connections”, and could get me my first gun (one of many), I would come to own.

I then began to plan everything I would do to them and how I would make them suffer like they made me. Ironically I had a friend at the time that also had a few issues with these guys and wanted to get back at them as well. So one day before going to class we met up with a few other guys and went searching for them. We found them a block away from school coming back from the nearest liquor store, we then surrounded them and had them go to the parking lot behind said liquor store. We had them up against a wall and proceeded to beat the living hell out of them one by one, making each one of them look at the other while they were nearly beaten to death. Once we got to the last guy, which was also the one that shot my best friend, I took the gun out and pressed it up against his head making sure he felt the barrel of the gun pressed up his pale skin.

I began to repeat my best friend's name into his ear, just to see if he would remember who he was. But he didn’t, he did however manage to remember me. He kept on trying to apologize to me for what he had done. Also apologizing for what he did to my friend and for not remembering what he looked like. He kept asking me not to kill him, and if I did, not shoot his friends. It was at that moment when I paused and thought to myself, thinking back and remembering that I had asked him to do the same except trade places with my friend.

But did he listen? No, and it was at that moment I chose to ignore him and I quickly turned around and shot his friend who was laying down on the floor next to him, bloody and beaten to the point where there was just a massive puddle of blood surrounding him. I then turned back around at the guy and said to him, “Do you see what I did there? I did him a favor, at least now he doesn’t have to live with the pain for the rest of his life. Knowing that he survived and you died next to him. He doesn’t have to live with the memory of his best friend dying in his arms, feeling absolutely helpless wishing he had done something to save him. It was at that moment he understood my pain and took one last look at me.

He looked me in the eyes and apologized one last time. I could’ve spared him and made him suffer like I did. But I was just filled up with so much rage and agony that I didn’t even think twice and shot him four times in the face. It’s been hard to live with that decision ever since, I still have the memory of it all stuck in my head. Giving me a constant reminder of what I had done. And yet I don’t feel bad about it, does that make me a bad person? Now I know what you’re thinking, seeking revenge is not the answer. And actually going out and seeking it was not the best thing I could have done. But it made me feel so much better once it was done, I felt like I was finally at peace with it all. Does the memory of it all haunt me? Yes of course it does, but not how you would come to think. The only thing that truly haunts me about the whole scenario, is looking back being pinned down to the floor watching helplessly as my friend is murdered out of pure sport. Very few know about this, not even the people closest to me do. And I have to say it feels great getting this all out.

Even so after I remained distant from others, although I slowly began to become more social and make friends, I still was distant. Some people tried to ask why and find out more about me. But I never said a thing, I always told people I was okay and I was just a very quiet person. They always believed it. As the year went by my drug use and depression grew much larger. All to the point where that’s how people knew me, I was always that guy that did heroin and was always angry and violent. It seemed that the only times I ever had a smile on my face was when I was intoxicated, either on drugs or drunk off my ass.

I wish I could say I remembered a lot about that time, but unfortunately, I can’t. Yet sometimes I’m glad that I don’t, I feel like I am just better off not remembering. Those were not the proudest moments in my life. But it wouldn’t be the last either. Shortly after I had begun to have problems at home with the family, always getting into arguments, most of the time we couldn’t be around one another for a second without sparking up an argument. It got so bad that at one point I got into a fist fight with my dad, which ended with me being kicked out of my house for a few months. Luckily since I was still in school at the time I didn’t have to worry about food. I always ate there, and I also had a few friends that would buy me food sometimes after school.

A few of them would offer me to sleep over at their houses because they didn’t like the fact that I slept under a freeway underpass by my school. But I always refused, I didn’t want to be a burden on them. I was living out on the street for about four months during the winter time. I was unfortunate enough to have to sleep outside during one of our worst winters here in California. It would rain non-stop for several days. Nearly all the clothes I had were drenched in water. It wasn’t until Christmas day that I went back home, and that was only because I had family from Utah visiting at the time. I was only planning on staying until everyone left, but then was asked if I just wanted to at least stay for the night. I said yes, then just decided to stay indefinitely. Although things were getting better between my family and I, things were still rough on my end.

While I was living out on the street I had become a little desperate for money. I began to do a lot of work that could have easily ended my life in many ways. Since I was known for my bad reputation of being violent, people would constantly ask me to help them out with taking care of their so called “business”. It eventually got to the point where people started to pay me for it. And if I must say I was very good at it too. It started off small from fights to nearly scaring the life out of people by threatening them, word got around of what I was doing that I began to get publicity from it. It got to the point where people would get scared of me, they sometimes would get so terrified of me that they wouldn’t even want to say a word to me because they were scared to make me mad.

If I’m honest, I really started to enjoy it. No one would mess with me anymore, and for some odd reason people always seemed to be interested in how I was doing. I guess you can say they were just trying to be in my good graces, but I didn’t mind. For once in my life I felt like I had some type of power over people. I wasn’t scared or paranoid anymore, I felt like I didn’t have to be constantly looking over my shoulders making sure there wasn’t anyone coming after me. Especially if anyone ever messed with my friends or someone that I cared about, they knew damn well I would come after them in a heartbeat and you bet your ass that by the time they saw me coming it was already too late.

As the time went by my work was becoming more known that I would eventually start to get calls from people outside of school, and they would offer a very generous amount of money. But over time I slowly began to slow the work down, mainly since I was starting to enjoy it a little too much that I was starting to not like the person I was becoming. It took me a while to get back into the norm of things, and I had even quit doing drugs cold turkey. I think that was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

The pain was so excruciating that I wanted to take my own life to escape the pain. Eventually I got through it, well thanks to a very painful relationship I had gotten into. It helped suppress all the pain of the withdrawals, but it drove me a little insane. One thing I’ll always remember about the relationship was her fascination with everything I had done. She had always told me that she wanted to see firsthand how I did my work. I never wanted her to see it because I was scared I would scare her away. But she didn’t care, I eventually showed her what I was capable of. She had this one guy in her class that would flirt with her and would try to touch her, then act like nothing happened in my face. He was one of the popular guys that was on the football team, he was good too. He was even given a scholarship to play football for Oregon State University.

But he messed up by messing with me and flirting with my girlfriend at the time, so I had to show him I meant business. During the homecoming game against our rival school, I paid off another player from the opposing team to break him. He executed it very well, he destroyed the idiot's hip and ruined his football playing career for good. After that he never touched her ever again. Did I go too far with that? Maybe. Do I care? Hell no, that little shit had to be taught some respect.

But like everything else, all bad things must come to an end. I eventually had enough of her bullshit and broke it off. I gratefully regret that relationship, damn thing literally sent me to the hospital. It’s okay though we all learn from our mistakes.

Also, another way I was making money after that whole “garbage disposal work”was…. Well through sex. I began to sell myself to a lot of the girls around school that needed to relieve some “stress”. Again, not one of my proudest moments but damn did I enjoy that while it lasted. Made a good amount of money off it too. Sometimes I think back to all of that, and I always ask myself the same thing. If you could, would you do it all over again? Or would you change everything you did? But if I really think about it, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. All of it has made me the person I am today. Yes, I may not necessarily like who I am but sometimes I just can’t help but embrace it.

Part II

I’ve always been heavily judged for everything I did in the past, but I’ve always wondered. Is what you did in the past really what defines you as a person? Because if so then no one is good. If that is the case then everyone is a bad person, or so I believe. I’ve always wondered, does judging other people make others feel better about themselves? What good can come from it? I myself hate judging others, I feel like you wrong them by doing so. It’s such a negative way to look at someone that you don’t even know. I always preferred to get to know a person before you think anything about them. You never know, they could always be going through something that no one in the world will ever know. Sometimes it’s the smallest acts of kindness that make all the difference.

One thing about myself that very few people know about me, is that I was placed into a mental ward in a prison in San Diego when I was just 16 years old. Funny thing was that it wasn’t even because of everything that I had done. I took a self-defense situation too far where I left the guy in a coma for about a month or so. Basically, what had happened was there was this guy that used to live on my street who was a Neo Nazi. He never liked me and would always try to pick fights with me. One day I was on my way home from the store, when he and a few of his friends were drunk and came after me with a baseball bat and knife. They pushed me onto the floor and began to beat me. I managed to kick the knife away from one of the guy’s hands and was able to pick it up. I then stabbed the guy with the baseball bat in the leg which then caused him to fall to the floor. Everyone else immediately backed off for a brief second just long enough to quickly pick up the baseball bat to use against them.

Two of them ran off while the others stood there in shock not knowing what to do. I then began to beat the guy that was on the floor with the knife in his leg. I say I had to have hit him in the head at least a dozen times before the police showed up. I was arrested on the spot since, when they showed up they saw me standing over the guy with that bat all bloody in my hands. Once locked up they did a mental evaluation test on me and noticed that I wasn’t right in the head. So in court they had me plead for the Insanity Card.

Which worked but I was sent to an actual prison because they thought I was too big of a risk to be placed in a juvenile detention facility. Since I was still under age I was placed in the mental ward for my safety and the safety of others. While I was there I was classified as a Non-violent Psychopath. Which in terms meant that I understand emotion more than the average human. Which also explained why I could feel every one’s pain and suffering without actually having to experience it. And is also the reason why I’m so good at talking with people about their problems. Unlike others I genuinely understand what they feel and go through, without having to go through it. Some people say it’s a gift. But sometimes I feel it’s more of a curse than anything.

While spending time there, I was evaluated daily. It had to be one of the most annoying experiences I’ve ever had to endure. Constantly being questioned about the same thing repeatedly, and by the same doctor was horrible. Only for them to tell me that I had rage issues, they would literally tell me that every session and I would always respond with the same remark. “Oh well no shit!!!”. I mean it was the main reason I was there in the first place. Well not exactly, apparently while everything was going on my mind blacked out and all I saw was red. Or so they call it, my aggression was pushed so high up that I wasn’t able to control myself. So, when I began to beat the living hell out of the guy, I couldn’t stop, my adrenaline was kicking so hard, that my entire body just felt numb. If I remember anything about that brief moment, I was feeling so alive. It felt great, now I don’t know if that was just the adrenaline talking but I must admit I rather enjoyed it.

By the end of it all I was fairly lucky, I was only locked up for four months before being released. I was originally sentenced to doing four years pending evaluation results. I was let out early for showing improvements, but it wasn’t long after when I got into trouble with the law again. At this time I had resorted to going back to doing drugs again and drinking nearly on a daily basis. I had a warrant on me for skipping out on my court date for an attempted Assault and Battery charge. I’d say about three weeks of not showing up to court, the police caught up with me outside of school. I was so high on heroin that it took seven police officers to take me down and restrain me. They had to use a taser on me to calm me down, they nearly killed me by using it though since I was so accelerated with heroin it stopped my heart for a moment, which sent me to the hospital.

Once in the hospital a few officers came to talk to me with an attorney. They gave me the option of community service or going back to the mental ward. I chose to do community service, there was no way in hell that I would go back to the dreadful place. They had me going to other schools and having one on one sessions with other kids that were at risk of drugs or getting locked up. They wanted me to talk to them about my life in the hopes that it would help them change their lives around. For the most part it seemed like it was actually helping most of them. I felt like I was actually doing some good for them. It made me feel good talking with these kids, I felt like I was able to connect with them and help them out like no one else could.

There was one particular person that I really connected with. To this day I still remember her. Her name was Samantha, she reminded me of myself in many ways. She had gone through very similar situations as I did. So as you could imagine it was a lot easier to help her get through it all.

If I had to say, I believe she was the one I had the most improvement with. I kept in contact with her for a while after my community service was done. Everything seemed to have been going well for her. She had been sober for about six months, she was staying out of trouble. Was going to school, improving her grades. She was on track to graduate too. Her relationship with her mom, who for a good while couldn’t even stand to look at her at one point in time. Had progressively gotten better, everything was going so well for her. But in the end it wasn’t enough. Her depression was worsening but she wouldn’t let anyone know, she tried everything possible to keep it hidden, she was good at it too.

She managed to fool everyone into thinking she was so much better. But deep inside she was being torn apart, until she finally had enough. She took her own life on the morning of her birthday. She slit her own throat, she left nothing behind. No note, nothing. No one ever knew the reason for her depression, or why she even did it in the first place. All I could ever think when I found out about her death, was that she was no longer struggling with anything. She was no longer in any pain, she was finally able to rest in peace. With no worry in her life. Strange thing about it was that I didn’t feel a single inch of sadness. I guess it was mainly due to the fact that I knew she was finally able to rest. Even though she was gone, her success was left behind as a memory of her. That’s one memory I hold dear till this very day.

I remember just two years later, I fell into the worst depth of depression I had ever faced. I was so fed up with the depression and anger that it drove me to the point of no return, I tried to kill myself but it always failed. Three times I held a gun to my head, three times I pulled that trigger, and those three times the damn gun never fired. I never understood why it never fired when I aimed it at my own head, but as soon as I aimed it at the wall it fired as if there was never anything wrong with it. Maybe it was a sign that it wasn’t my time to go yet, or maybe I just hadn’t paid my dues yet. Whatever the answer was, till this day I still don’t know what it is.

Knowing that I couldn’t even take my own life, it would just make things worse. I felt like I was completely helpless, I had so much pain building up with no end in sight and no way out. I tried everything in my power to find a way to cope with it all. It seemed like the only way I could feel better and find any type of solace, was to help others. I seemed like it was the only thing I was good at.

After coming to terms with it all, I spent the remainder of my days helping all of those that I could and needed it most. But unfortunately, it didn’t always turn out so well. Although It was from the sheer kindness of my heart, doing so would sometimes put me in some very difficult situations. Mainly because people would always take it for granted. Now even though I knew when they would just use me for certain situations. It didn’t really bother me as much, I knew at the end of it all I was still helping them and I was doing my part. But that is an unfortunate weakness of mine. I care too much for the people I know and care about. I care too damn much though, I know it isn’t good but I hate seeing others struggle with the hard times in life.

Whenever I see them struggling I can’t help but come to their aid. It brings back so many memories of my hard times that I can’t stand seeing them that way. Because I know the feeling and I don’t want them going through it all and doing the same mistakes as I did. But what terrifies me the most is knowing that if they also become suicidal, I’m scared I will lose them forever. I’ve lost way too many people in the past that I have come to love and adore, it was one of the many reasons I would never get close to anyone. And I hate myself for it, I hate that I struggle to get close to anyone. I hate that I can’t open up to them. I hate it most because of the person it has made me.

Even after all this time, eight years later. I still struggle with it all, you would think that after so long I would have learned how to deal with it all. And at one point I did. But up until recently I’ve been lost, I lost my way again. I have tried so hard to come back to my peaceful place again. But I fear I may never return again, every day I become more and more delusional. I slip into momentary psychosis even while working. Knowing what I see isn’t real, but just the cold feeling of it all is just enough to send me back.

These past six months have been the absolute worst for me. I have been losing my battle with my depression, doing self-harm to ease the pain. Yet it doesn’t make a difference. I feel like a complete failure. My health has gotten worse and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. All I want to do is die, no matter what I do I can’t escape the feeling. I try so hard to stay positive, I try so hard to follow the advice I give to others but it never works. Every day that I get closer to finishing all of this, is just bringing me closer to ending it all. Just the thought of killing myself calms me, it makes me feel so much better.

But I can’t, I can’t bring myself to do it because it will hurt those I love. But I can’t handle the pain anymore. I know finding comfort in death isn’t good, but every day it calls to me more and more, and its words just sound so calming. I know it’s a false promise, but I don’t care anymore. Lately I’ve noticed nothing that I do is right. I can’t think, I can’t do anything correct. I’m failing everyone and everything. I can’t even stand working at my job anymore, I want to leave but I need the insurance. I can’t even help anyone anymore, whenever anyone speaks to me I’m just lost for words. I never know what to say anymore, all I do is think negatively towards them and it pains me inside. My mind is so lost I can’t even think rationally anymore.

I’ve lost my way and I can’t find my way back, I was getting better when it all came back to me, after all these years. Everything has hit me as if it had all happened all over again. I tried to kill myself just the other week, I walked down the train tracks hoping it would come by and I’d jump in front of it. But it never came, I was supposed to hang out with some really close friends the day after to celebrate a friend’s birthday. But I couldn’t stand the sight of them. I didn’t want to have to look at their faces knowing that just the night before I tried to kill myself. Knowing that I would hurt all of them who I’ve come to know and love. Also, knowing that It would’ve destroyed a certain few, I couldn’t live with that image in my head.

I’ll end this here now, but will return to add on in the future when I’m able to talk about all of this better. But if I’m already gone by the time you have read this then just know this, no matter what happens always keep those you love close to you. No matter what you do in life, whether it is good or bad, you can learn from it and still live on. You matter to someone, even when you feel alone. There will always be someone there when you need them most. Do what you can to save others, but always remember about yourself as well. It’s because of my selflessness that I’ve come this far. Fight for what you love and hold on to it as much as you can, because you can lose it all in the blink of an eye. Everything will be okay, you can get through the hard times. You can’t always do it alone, sometimes you need someone to be there with you to make things a little easier.

If you made it this far into the story, I thank you for reading this. Although I’m not sure if I’ll share this, just know that this means the world to me. So, I thank you with all my heart, but also want to apologize for you having to have read all this negativity. I really hope no one takes all of this in a negative manner. I just needed to get all of this off my chest and put my mind at ease.

If I’m not around after a while, then consider this as my last goodbye, thank you all for everything.

“Stirb Nicht Vor Mir”

(Don’t Die Before I Do)

Part III

It’s been difficult trying to come back to all of this, but I feel the need to cleanse myself of all this. This situation occurred before the death of my best friend, in most cases you could say that this had originally started it all off for me. I guess you could call it my downfall of some sort. I met this young girl named Karen, she was such a tiny girl yet so adorable. We met at the beginning of the school year in Elementary school. We became close friends after that, she was my best friend as I was to her. Our friendship grew stronger and stronger as the time went by. She was such an amazing person with an amazing personality, always had the greatest outlook in life. Very smart, high-spirited girl who never took people's crap. For such a small girl, she would be very scary when provoked, it was honestly very entertaining to watch when she would get into arguments with others.

If there was one thing I must say that was the best about her, was the amount of care she had towards everyone she knew. That’s kind of where I learned to love and care for people so much. I learned it all from her over time. Anyways, as our friendship grew larger we slowly began developing feelings for each other which at times seemed a little confusing, but was normal seeing how we were still very young and going to puberty, so it aroused a lot of common interests. Seeing how we had known each other for a good while, we had become very comfortable with each other as well. Once we both knew that we had feelings for each other, we had decided to give it a chance and see where things would go between us. Everything was great between us. We went a great two years and nine months together until the entire relationship ended so tragically.

It was the week before my birthday, she was going over to my house to drop off my early birthday present since she wasn’t going to be in town for the day of my birthday. Her family was supposed to be spending the week in Nevada so she wanted to see me before she left. On the way to my house, her dad was in a massive car accident that nearly took his life. He survived that crash but was badly injured, he escaped the crash with a cracked skull, four broken ribs, both legs broken, and dislocated shoulder. I was led to believe that she was in the car at the time of the accident, and that she had died on impact.

The car had been T-boned by a semi- truck and the car was thrown 50 feet down the road. I had gone to the hospital to visit her father and once I was there, that’s when I was given the news of her passing. Seeing how bad her father’s condition was, the entire thing seemed very convincing. A few days later, on the day of my birthday, her funeral was held but unfortunately, I couldn’t attend. Since I had never spoken about the relationship to my family they never knew about the situation and would not have allowed me to miss school.

Then after I fell into a deep depression, I felt so alone it was the very first time I had lost someone so close to me. Luckily around this time I had David who would do nearly the impossible to make me feel better. I was very grateful to have him by my side, he did anything he could to ensure that I was never alone. He had helped me through one of the hardest moments of my life at the time. It wasn’t until his death when my life began to grow darker more and more each passing day.

Fast forward four years, Already in Highschool and currently in a relationship with my psycho ex- girlfriend. I was on my way to the local market to buy some groceries to make some pasta, when I noticed some very familiar faces staring at me from a car in the parking lot in front of the market. It was her parents, I was more than happy to see them, yet they seemed a little nervous as I had approached them to have a little conversation with them. I didn’t notice it at the time, and how could I. I hadn’t seen them since the hospital visit. It wasn’t until I turned around to walk inside when I realized why they were so nervous.

She was there, standing right behind me with a bag in each hand trembling in fear not knowing what to do or say. Everyone stood quiet for a few seconds until she gave a nervous laugh and said “hi”. I immediately turned around and walked home in rage. I had so many thoughts going through my mind, I just couldn’t bear all the emotions that were coursing through my mind. I was in rage, I felt betrayed, I was made a fool. I had gone four years thinking she was dead, only to find out it was all a lie. I spent all that time mourning her loss, wasting precious time engulfed with sadness just to find out that it was all just a messed-up lie. I nearly broke my arm punching a door in my house. Two days later I get a call from her. I don’t know how it is that she managed to get in contact with me, but my guess was that she was having people keep a close eye on me.

Which I ended up being right. She had a fairly good number of people keeping an eye on me and they would inform her of everything I would do. She had begged me to meet up with her so that she could explain everything to me. But I refused, I knew that if I met up with her it would not end so lightly. So, I stayed on the phone and told her to explain everything then and there. And she did.

She had been cheating on me with a close friend for about a month, once things began to get out of hand she had attempted to end it with him. But by the time she had done that it was already too late. One day they hung out together, they had sex and she became pregnant with his child. She was terrified to tell me about it all. She was scared of how I would take the whole situation, and was terrified I would do something to him or her in return. So, she had told her parents about everything that had happened and they had decided it would be better off if they moved away.

But she was still too scared to even tell me everything so she spent an entire week pretending and lying to my face that everything was okay. I knew that she would lie to me every time that I would ask, but I would never pressure her into telling me.

Once her father’s accident occurred her and her family used that as a way to convince me that she had passed away from the accident when in reality she was never involved in it. I guessed the plan turned out more than great when immediately after the accident her cousin died from another car accident she had later that week. They used the funeral to make things more convincing on their end. Once it was all set and done her family packed up and moved to Fresno California, then moved back early that same year I ran into her.

Till this day I remember that conversation and the amount of crying she was doing while explaining it all to me. I had so much anger and rage coursing through my head that I couldn’t bear but wanted to say so many things to her. Yet I couldn’t pull myself to say anything. I can remember just pausing for a moment after she had finished telling me everything and just let out a strange laugh, that even I myself still think to myself and wonder why I ever laughed in the first place. I let out the strange laugh for just a brief moment then I just simply responded with “Thank You”, then I hung up.

I didn’t hear from her for about three weeks, until she got a hold of me again. She called me crying and apologized to me about everything saying that she felt horrible for everything she had done to me. I told her that I had accepted her apology but I never forgave her. She understood why I never did and accepted it as it was. I told her to forget about it all and to just leave it all behind, “what’s done is done” I told her. She just needed to find a way to live with it all. I told her I’d be seeing her around, but when I did I wouldn’t acknowledge her existence. She was dead to me and she knew that. After that conversation, we never spoke to each other again.

Till this day I see her around but I never let her know that I see her, she comes to the movie theater I work at every so often. But I’ve always kept my distance, I feel like if I ever talk to her all the anger would come back to me. And seeing how everything has been going for me lately, it’s probably for the best that I don’t. I'm even terrified of what I will say.

People always ask me "why don't you open up more?" People tell me I need to open up more. They tell me I'm too vague. I'm too insecure, I'm insensitive. That by telling people what I think or feel, that I don't care about them, that I feel nothing towards them, that I don't trust them. And yet whenever I do open up all they do is get offended, they're so quick to judge and assume even the most ridiculous things.

That just always reminds me of why I don't like to open up to people. I don't open up to people because I hate the way they look at me, I hate the way they make me feel. I've always felt like a burden when opening up. Usually it's because they make me feel that way. I get so insecure with everything I say around people that it makes me have trust issues. Not just with them but against myself. Why is it that no matter what I say or do, it just hurts you? Everyone always wants to know what's on my mind. And when I say nothing they get offended, but yet if I speak my mind they get offended.

Why bother asking if you don't want to hear what I have to say. Anyone that ever wonders why I am the way I am, why I never open up, why I don't give people the time of day to let them in, this is why. I know you're going to read this and take it the wrong way and think it's about you. But guess what it's not, it has nothing to do with you. But if you do happen to take offense at anything I just said, or try to take this into consideration over yourself in any way possible, then do me the favor and think about everything I just said. Then and only then will you understand what I mean.

People always ask me why I always look angry. I'm not going to lie, most of the time I am angry or royally pissed. At least five days out of the week I've been angry lately. Most of the time I don't even know why I'm so angry, it's like any little thing triggers me. I know it has to do a lot with my thoughts but at the same time I struggle to even remember why I have those thoughts in the first place. Lately I've felt like I have nothing but hate towards everything. Towards people, towards life and everything in between. I hate this feeling, I can feel it all tearing me apart inside. All this hatred numbs me inside, I can literally feel it take all the care I have for everyone away from me. I just don't care anymore. For myself or anyone else, I'm turning into my old self again, and I don't like it. It was such a dark and horrible time for me and I feel like I'm going back to it again. I don't want to feel this anymore or maybe I just don't want to feel anything anymore.

Lately my mind has been wandering to what seems like an empty abyss. I can’t tell if it’s sadness, confusion, anger, or just plain stupidity. The amount of stress has been beyond unbearable. I spend my days hiding my emotions from people just so I won’t feel like a burden or ruin whatever happiness is going through their head at the time. I spend my days helping friends and family get through the hard times by giving them what so far has seemed to be helpful advice and guidance in the hope of maybe finding the answers that I need to get through the difficult time that I go through. And yet I feel like I just drift deeper into my sorrows, slowly slipping away into madness until I no longer feel any sort of pain.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy helping the people I know and have come to love and care about very much. Yet the amount of pain and mental distress I go through makes me feel like I am nothing to everyone and everything. I spend long nights trying to fall asleep after the difficult days, and even so on the good days and yet, I simply just lay in bed for hours with nothing but negative thoughts running through my mind.

I vent everything that goes through my mind with those I know that love and care to listen in hopes to help relieve the pain, and yet I sometimes feel worse having to explain to them why I am in so much pain, and all because I feel like I’m destroying their happiness with my depression. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts, but I know it’s not the answer I always find a way to convince myself that it’s not worth taking my own life. But in the back of my mind I always worry, what if one day I can no longer convince myself, what if one day I finally give up on myself. Then I always wonder to myself would it really matter to most if I did give up on life, now I know that for a certain few, it would pretty much destroy them, but then again eventually everyone has to move on.

I know that if I did, I would just disappoint and anger everyone for giving in to all the negativity, they would call me a coward and say that I was weak minded and what not, but yet no one would ever know the real reason and they would never care. I know that if anyone that I know ever read this, they’d instantly get mad at me for thinking like this and saying all of this, and frankly even if they did I wouldn’t care, because they would never understand. But still I would actually want them to read this. So, someone would at least know that not everything is as okay as I make it seem. I would want them to understand all the pain and struggle I go through on a daily basis. I would want them to understand why I am the way I am, why I look the way I do. I get judged nearly every day just because of the way I look, and it’s always thrown into my face as if I couldn’t even see it myself. I know how I look, I know why I look that way, but you don’t. You don’t understand why I look the way I do, and I’m pretty sure that you don’t care.

Whether that is true or not I still won’t judge you in a negative manner, I won’t even say anything negative back to you. Why should I, how will that make me feel any better about myself. I don’t judge people in any way, shape, or form. Even if I do ever comment on something it’s always either a joke or something that I personally feel you must know.

For many years I have been called many names, most of which have been repeated to me countless times. It’s all mainly been due to my past, I have done things in the past that have branded me many names, most of which were because of very violent situations. I try my best to leave everything behind me, but something always comes along and brings back all the horrible memories of it all. I try to go through my days with my head held high and yet most of the time I just feel like I’m looking up at dark clouds that I can never seem to get rid of.

Fuck I don’t even know if any of this is even making any sense anymore, I just have so much going on through my mind that I can’t even make any sense out of it. So, I guess I’ll just end this here.

Part IV

Lately I’ve had to make constant sacrifices, in order to keep a lot of people happy. It wasn’t until now that I realized that a lot of those sacrifices started to eat away at my own well being. I’ve lost a lot this past year alone, and it feels like it’s the most I’ve ever lost in my entire existence. I know most of them were my decision, but all of those were for a purpose. Those who were involved alongside those sacrifices probably will never understand why I did what I did. But just know that everything I did was because I cared so much for you that I did not want to wrong you in any way possible. I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I already did. I’ve lost many friends and loved ones through this past year alone. But now that I think about it, it’s for the best. I don’t want to leave this life feeling like a burden to the people I love and care about. I don’t want to be dead waiting over their shoulders. I would rather have everyone remember me for the little things that showed the happy side of me rather than all the big moments in life when I was just always down and never really around.

I’m in constant pain, whether it's body ache, headache, or just heartache. It’s really starting to take a huge toll on me and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t seek any help from anyone because I don’t feel like I’m even worth the time and effort. I’m just another person that will pass by in people’s lives and be forgotten after a while. People tell me that I’m worth caring for and that if I leave they will miss me. But I know it isn’t true, those are just words that are used to comfort me, which in reality they don’t. They just feel like a bunch of empty shells being fired at me. A lot of people tell me that I’ve made an impact in their lives because I’ve helped them with problems they’ve had in the past. Yet it seems like the only time they’ve ever appreciated the time they have ever spent with me has only been those times that I’ve spent to help them, and nothing else. It’s great to know that I’m only liked when you need me most and not the so-called “friendship” we have. Yeah when I leave you’ll care but only because you won’t have that someone that understands you and won’t be there to help you anymore.

But it’s okay just knowing that I’ll still go down remembering and caring about you all. I may be suffering in ways that you’ll never know or hear about but know that no matter how bad things are for me at this moment, I will still be around to help anyone in need. No matter how much it hurts to do so I’ll still try to help you. If anyone that knows me ever gets the chance to read anything that I’ve said I just want you to know that love you guys and I’m sorry that I’ve never actually spoken to any of you about this, but I feel that it’s for the best. I don’t want you guys to remember me in my last moments filled with nothing but pain and suffering. I want you guys to remember me for all the good times we’ve had, even though I know there aren’t that many but just know that even those few moments meant the world to me. If my health worsens and I don’t make it, I just want all of you to know that I’ll be watching over all of you. And although I won’t be there in person, I’ll still be there for you guys in spirit.

There has been one conversation that never happened that has been stuck in my head for several months now. I feel like it’s best to just lay it all down on the table. If you ever read this and know who I’m speaking to, I just want you to know how sorry I am for how things turned out in the end. I know I made a mistake in the end but it’s too late to take it all back now. I just hope that with this you can understand my side a little better.

It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to you again. I hope you’ve been good, I hope all is well, I hope you’ve been doing your best to escape the dark past. I know it hasn’t been going that great for you lately, I know you’ve been struggling, I know you’ve been needing someone by your side yet no one will stick by you when you need them most. I know you’d wish I would be that person to be by you. But you know why I am not. You know why I can’t. Sometimes I feel like you understand why and yet sometimes I feel like you don’t. I really hope you do understand, I hope that you understand that I’ll do much more damage than healing. I mean I already do just when I’m around.

I look at you and I hurt you, I speak to you and I hurt you, I stand by your side and I hurt you. You may not notice it but I do, I feel it, I see it. I know I’m part of the reason you’re in so much pain. But let’s face the truth if I was still there you’d be hurting a lot more than you are now.

How can I help you when I can’t help myself? I’m lost, I’m gone, I’m dead, my chance at life has been taken from me, and yet it doesn’t faze me. I know what’s coming to me, I know what’s going to happen and it’s going to happen very soon. I know for a fact it would hurt even more being by your side with you knowing the inevitable will happen. I don’t care what happens to me, I've made peace with it. I don’t want you to hurt just because of me.

I rather you be happy without me rather than being sad and always being reminded of my downfall. I’d rather you be happy with someone else, with someone that can not only give you a future but also be a part of it as well. I’m sorry that I won’t be a part of it but I rather it be this way than have you hurt all the time. At least this way I know you’ll be able to have a happy life. I wish I could go on to see you grow happier but my time has been cut short. I now lay here just waiting for the end to come. Hoping that when it does it’ll be painless. I just hope that when I leave, I get to see you with the biggest smile filled with love and joy. A smile that will last a lifetime and last forever. But if I don’t make it till then, just know that I’ll be watching over you from afar and I will not leave till the day you gain the happiness you so desperately deserve.

One thing that I regret most is not having that conversation with you. But at this point it’s probably meaningless to even mention it. I know that by reading this some of you will begin to question a few things and have second thoughts. But I can assure you it’s nothing like that at all. Take it as you will but know I mean nothing as you are thinking it.

I now realize that maybe I shouldn’t have let some of these details come to light but, I just want someone to know and understand my reason for doing everything I ever did.

I’m sorry it came to these terms where you all had to find out a few things but it’s the best way I can feel better about all of it. I’m lost and I have been for quite a while now. I feel like I’m losing myself more and more each day. I already feel myself giving up. I’m in so much pain that I’m torn between trying to get through it all or just giving up completely.

I can’t make any rational decisions anymore, I can barely think, I can barely speak, I can barely do anything. Every day I fall into a deeper and darker abyss, I’m always angry and depressed. It’s taking an even bigger toll and I don’t see an end to it. I want it all to end, but how it ends; is the real question. Knowing that I can’t even make that decision is what scares me. I usually don’t have an issue with this, I would always fight. But I guess as it turns out I’m just tired of fighting. I guess you can say that I have given up, I’ve already accepted what’s coming to me. Now I just have to wait and see how things turn out for me I guess.

Goodnight, but if this is goodbye then all I have to say is….

I’m sorry.

I’ve failed everything and everyone.

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