#my mentality is a little fucked right now because in the past i created mainly for me and i enjoyed what i did to an extent

[xhanisai]

I do kind of feel a bit spoilt with how the fandom pre-pandemic would share my work easily (fics getting hundreds and even thousands of notes on tumblr and on AO3 immediately and arts getting thousands of notes too). Back then, my work was so eUGH compared to the work I create now which is so much more polished and well thought out.

And now? It’s such a struggle for my art to reach even a hundred notes on this app alone and my fics take a long time to accumulate some attention on ao3. At first I thought it was because my creations have gotten WORSE lol but then I realised it’s been happening to all my friends too online.

Kinda sad tbh.

#delete later #i know that X amount of likes or notes on work doesn't necessarily mean that it's great quality #but i like seeing and knowing that people out there on the internet are enjoying what i put out #and i want more people to see what i can do if that makes sense? #my mentality is a little fucked right now because in the past i created mainly for me and i enjoyed what i did to an extent #but now i'm at that stupid stage where i hate everything i draw and get bored of my own writing and i don't like that #so validation online sort of helps with that mentality to go away #i can't keep up with internet art trends to get the attention on my work that i want that is not a realistic and healthy way of life #and i refuse to touch any salt or negativity in the ml fandom just to get the hivemind to find my work #my most popular work on ao3 is only popular because of lila karma and that makes me so mad because i write 100000x better than that LMAO #but people just wanna see a 14 yr old italian nightmare girl get expelled from school over and over again and i'm just tired af of it #as for art with twitter it's a bit of a russian roulette #you don't know what will be a banger and what won't unless you pay special attention or have a decent following or are always grinding #i don't think my art is for tumblr #i do appreciate the few people who always love and reblog it but i've always known from the start that my art isn't what would be popular #on this hellsite #oh well it is what it is #also don't worry i'm never gonna stop drawing nor am i ever gonna stop writing those two are literally my only outlets of my life #and the only way i can get emotions and feelings out of my body without exploding #and i am still madly in love with ML and will always be obsessed with it #i just miss how the prepandemic fandom would interact with my work and let me know what they thought and all the asks they sent about the #aus i created #it was a good period on this hellsite for me

[storiesforallfandoms]

small world ~ corpse husband

word count: 2053

request?: yes!

“Can I get a Corpse x fem reader where reader an corpse are both streamers and they meet each other for the first time and realize they used to know each other as kids? I know Corpse has said that he didn’t have many friends when he was younger so maybe have it where reader was someone that was really nice to him? Sorry for the long request and thank you if you do it! 😊🖤”

description: he never would’ve thought that the new addition to their friend group would be someone from his past

pairing: corpse husband x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist (one, two)

“Hey Corpse,” Karl said. Corpse hummed in response, focused on the drawing he was doing for their Jackbox game. “(Y/N) is also from San Diego. Do you know her?”

(Y/N) chuckled. “Karl, San Diego is pretty big. We’re not bound to know one another. Besides, just because he lives here doesn’t mean he grew up here.”

“I did grow up in San Diego actually,” Corpse said. “I don’t think we would’ve known each other though. Even if we happened to be in the same area, I didn’t talk to many people and I dropped out in the seventh grade.”

“I was, regrettably, popular in school,” (Y/N) added.

“Regrettably?” Karl asked.

“Yeah. Looking back, I hated being popular. I hated it when I was popular even. My friends were mega jerks and made fun of everyone, even me sometimes. I would try and make them be nice but they just let the popularity go to their heads. I haven’t spoken to any of them since we graduated. There was this sort of outcast in middle school I used to have a crush on. I tried to be friends with him, but he preferred to keep to himself. I always wished I had been friends with him because I feel like I would’ve been so much happier. I never saw him again either. I wonder whatever happened to him.”

Something about her story triggered a memory in Corpse. The year before he dropped out, there was a girl in is class who was always nice to him and tried to talk to him. He brushed it off as another way he was being made fun of. When it kept up, though, he realized she was likely being genuine. He still kept his distance, but he found himself gaining some feelings for her as well. When he dropped out, he never heard from her again.

I wonder where she is now, Corpse thought to himself. Man, what was her name?

Corpse accidentally gasped, drawing the attention of everyone in the Discord call.

“You good Corpse?” George asked.

“Y-Yeah,” Corpse responded. “Just uh...just realized I fucked up my idea a bit. No big deal, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

The game started prompting for everyone to show what they had created. Taking the opportunity of not having to speak, Corpse went to Google (Y/N)’s YouTube channel. She had come into the game as a friend of Karl’s and Corpse hadn’t heard of her channel, but now somethings were starting to click together.

The first thing that popped up with the top Google Image for (Y/N)’s channel name. It was a beautiful girl laying in a garden of flowers with a wide smile on her face. Corpse sucked in a breath as he realized that the girl in the picture looked familiar.

“Corpse,” came Karl’s voice, snapping Corpse out of his trance. “It’s your turn.”

“Sorry,” Corpse said. “I was distracted.”

The rest of the stream Corpse felt like he was in a daze. He continued to play the games and forced out laughs when he realized someone was making a joke. Every time (Y/N) spoke, he felt his heart flutter with excitement. He couldn’t believe that after all these years he had finally been reunited with her. And what was better was that she had actually admitted to having feelings for him too!

Don’t get too excited, he thought to himself. She said she used to have a crush on you. That was a very long time ago.

He tried not to seem too eager when the stream finally ended. He waited for someone else to leave the call first before he exited out of it himself. He waited another few minutes before messaging (Y/N) directly on Discord.

hey. it was fun playing with you tonight. weird request, but can we voice call maybe? just the two of us?

Corpse didn’t expect her to respond any time soon. It was late in San Diego, like nearly 3am late. Most people were going to bed by now. She had mentioned once during the stream that she was starting to get sleepy. He figured she’d see it in the morning and either call, or just ignore the message.

To his surprise, near seconds later, she was calling him.

“Hey stranger,” she said when he answered. “Long time, no speak. You must’ve missed my voice a lot, huh?”

Corpse chuckled. “Exactly, I really did.”

“Makes sense. I do have the best voice on the internet.” She laughed this time. It sounded like such a perfect sound. “For real though, is everything alright? Why did you want to call?”

How did he even tell her? Hey, so you know that outcast you liked? It was me! Surprise!

No, he couldn’t say that. Maybe she wouldn’t even remember, or maybe she wouldn’t believe him. He had to figure out some way to bring it up.

“I kind of wanted to talk more about your popular school days,” he said, trying to keep his voice light and teasing. “It’s not every day I meet a streamer who’s in my own area code. It would be nice to get to know someone who isn’t like a five hour drive away.”

“Oh!” She seemed excited by this response. Her excitement was almost contagious. “Okay, where should I start? The shitty friends or the shallow popularity?”

Corpse chuckled. “You pick.”

She talked for nearly an hour about her high school experiences with her popular friend group. Despite how much she despised being popular, (Y/N) still spoke with a light tone in her voice. She tried to bypass a lot of the more negative details and speak only of the good experiences she went though, which was nice to hear.

Corpse nearly jumped with excitement when she began to talk about middle school unprompted.

“It really was the last good years I had in school,” she admitted. “All my friends, the ones who went on to be super popular with me, they were nice then. Annoying, but all middle schoolers are. We didn’t care about popularity or social rankings. We were just...we were just kids. We didn’t even really know the difference between ‘losers’ and ‘popular’, which was why it was so easy for me to talk to that guy that I liked at the time. My friends weren’t mocking me for having feelings for an outcast.”

“You said you never saw that guy again,” Corpse said. “Do you know what happened to him?”

She sighed heavily. “No, I don’t. He just stopped showing up before we hit high school. I thought he moved, but I knew his mom and I saw her around everywhere. I don’t even remember his name anymore to look him up. Wherever he is, though, I hope he’s doing better. Even if they weren’t sucked completely into their popularity at the time, my friends and the other kids were still awful to him.”

“I feel that,” he said. “I wasn’t exactly the most liked kid in school. Before I dropped out I didn’t even have any friends.”

“That’s awful.”

“It wasn’t too bad. I’m not really a friendly person I don’t think. I’ve worked on it since that time, but the thought of trying to maintain a social relationship still gives me anxiety from time to time. There was one girl who tried to be friends with me the year before I dropped out though. She was nice.”

“What happened to her?”

Corpse smiled to himself. She would figure it out soon, he knew she would.

“I just didn’t hear from her after I dropped out,” he responded. “I guess that’s mainly my fault. I never reached out to her or anything, but I barley knew her name. Just her first time, and she never gave me a number or anything. I couldn’t look her up online. Maybe we just weren’t destined to be together.”

“I don’t know about that. Maybe you two were just right people, wrong time. Maybe you’ll cross paths again and finally have that opportunity to be friends with her again.”

“Maybe you’ll cross paths with that guy from your middle school, too.”

There was a prolonged silence. Corpse wondered if (Y/N) was starting to put the pieces together. He could barley even hear her breathe. The longer she went, the more worried he was becoming. He was about to say something when she finally spoke again.

“I made him a Valentine,” she said, her voice soft. “Special handmade one. He was the only one I gave it to. It had some really badly written, sappy poem in it. I watched him open it and...I really think he got emotional while reading it. Of course, he’d never tell anyone that.”

Corpse had gotten emotional over the Valentine (Y/N) had given him. It was the first real Valentine he had ever gotten. It wasn’t one of the generic ones that everyone gave out to every classmate so no one felt excluded. It was made from the heart, and that fact alone touched his. Like (Y/N) said, though, he didn’t let anyone know how emotional he had gotten. It would’ve just been more mental ammo for them to use to bully him.

He quickly got up from his chair, racing to his room where he had his box of memories shoved in his closet. It was little things from throughout his life that he kept in a shoebox. Whenever he felt particularly down or depressed, he would open the shoebox and look at all the things that made him smile.

At the very top of the box was (Y/N)’s Valentine.

He went back to his computer and took a picture of the Valentine using his phone.

“That sounds really nice,” he said as he went into the Discord app on his voice. “It must’ve meant a lot to him that you put so much time and effort into a handmade gift.”

“I don’t know if it did. I never got to ask him what his reaction was.”

“Oh, I’d bet anything he was happy.”

He sent the picture through Discord and waited for (Y/N) to open it. The silence between them felt deafening. The seconds felt like they had slowed to hours. He wondered what (Y/N)’s reaction would be. Maybe she’d be weirded out by the fact that Corpse kept the Valentine, or by the fact that Corpse was the middle school crush in general.

What if she’s upset that this is who I am now? he asked himself. What if her crush was just a middle school thing, and the moment you dropped out she moved on?

“I knew it.”

Corpse couldn’t help the smile on his face when he heard the slight excitement in (Y/N)’s voice.

“I knew it was you!” she continued. “Well, I didn’t know know, but when you asked me to call you I had a bit of a suspicion. I can’t believe it...it’s actually you!”

“It is me,” he confirmed. “And it’s you.”

“Small world we live in, huh?”

“Yeah, small world.” Do you still like me? Did you ever stop? Do you know that your kindness stuck with me for so long?

The silence returned. Corpse was starting to get sick of it, but he didn’t know how to fill the void between them. When he heard her yawn, he realized how late it had gotten. “I’ll let you go, you sound tired.”

“We just had this breakthrough and you’re asking me to sleep?!”

Corpse chuckled. “You have to sleep eventually, (Y/N). It’s like 3:30am, normal people sleep at this hour.”

“I am offended you would think I’m anywhere near normal.” She yawned again, cutting off her short lived rant. “But you’re right, I am tired. Listen...promise me you’ll answer when I call tomorrow. I...I’d really like to catch up. Maybe...to pick up where we left off.”

“Okay,” Corpse said, then realized that wasn’t really a response. “I promise. I’ll be waiting by the phone the moment I open my peepers.”

(Y/N) giggled. “I’ll be sure to call you the moment I open mine.”

“Goodnight (Y/N). Sleep tight.”

“Goodnight Corpse underscore Husband.”

kind of a bad ending, but i wasn’t really sure where else to go with it as i wrote it. sorry! :(

#corpse husband #corpse husband imagine #corpse #corpse imagine #corpse x reader #request #imagine #one shot #fanfiction #fanfic

[suicidalslasher]

𝒋𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒚 - 𝒋𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒅.

the one where Jason is a jealous  dumbass,  that’s it -  that’s the plot.

WARNINGS: This is a Jason Dean fanfiction, therefore, you all know what you’re signing up for. I don’t really got to tell you, twice. 

  Possessive!Jason. Jealous!Jason. Female reader, reader’s pronouns are she/her. 

Slight mention and scene of choking but it’s not graphic. A hint of NSFW but it isn’t shown. Also there’s a few mentions of blood but it’s not a lot, either. I wanted to tag that nonetheless, too. Also, Jason actually shows emotions in this which is out of character but in MY world, Jason Dean is a simp to his girlfriend and would rather die than to live a day without her. 

I may add the smut scene later on, who knows?  Not me. This is my first imagine of Jason Dean so be nice to me or I’ll be like Ghostface and gut you like a fish (◍•ᴗ•◍)♡ ✧*  

If you enjoyed this story, don’t hesitate to follow and or leave me a request, as they are open. If you also like my work and or have a dollar to  spare, as it will help me write and create more stories like this one, my ko-fi is here. 

Thank you and enjoy :)

White knuckles from clenching his fists too hard, and gritted teeth from effort to remain silent, Jason bit back his words, knowing they'd be harsh and full of  poison.  He's fully aware of how much damage he'd likely cause if he spit out the words that were on his mind.  He was going to break, and he knew it wasn't going to take too long until he did so.   Yet, as the female continued to talk beside him as an attempt to grab his attention, the feelings only grew larger and he dug his teeth into his bottom lip, the metallic taste of blood trickling on the tip of his tongue.   Jason swallowed that anger when it was nothing but a fire-seed and he had forgotten to drink something cold right after, in an effort to calm himself down;   therefore, it grew in his stomach until it came out hotter than any dragon breath.... all those negative emotions that swam in his veins  and crept in the pit of his stomach exploded and all the feelings he desperately was trying to hold back came burning on the one person he loved the most, his girlfriend, (Y/N). His face was red with suppressed rage and when (Y/N)  set her finger on his shoulder, he swung around and mentally snapped, his nostrils flared  and his pupils were blown and dilated  as he snarled like an  out of control beast.  "I hate him more than I do the Heathers," spat Jason,  as he pushes his girlfriend up against the wall, the framed photograph that hung there now remained at the bottom of their feet, shattered into hundreds of pieces.   "I don't like you hanging out with him." Jason growled, his fingers curling around (Y/N)'s throat, feeling her pulse begin to quicken  as he presses his weight down onto the palm of his hand.  "Do you know how much it hurts to see you look at someone else? To see you smile at someone else? It makes me feel sick.”     "Jason... Let go of me. Let's talk. Please? You don't even know him... if you'll let me speak and tell you-"  "You love him, don't you?" Jason hisses, the sentence feeling like a slap to (Y/N)'s face as he throws out this statement.... it was a lie, that's what it was and (Y/N) desperately was trying to tell him how wrong he was but he just wouldn't listen, the arrogant  son of a bitch never listens!    "You love him more than you do me."  Before either teen realizes it, Jason is letting go of (Y/N)'s throat only for him to raise his hand up  into a fist and he's punching the only other framed photograph that was beside her, the glass shattering behind his knuckles. (Y/N) screams in horror and although she's pissed off, she - obviously - still cares about her boyfriend.  "Jason!" (Y/N) yelps, tears falling down her cheeks as she rushes to her boyfriend's side, examining his hand which was now dripping with crimson, a few drops of red landing on the now broken picture frame and the wooden floor beneath their feet. "C'mon, I've got a first aid kit around here, somewhere-" "You love him." Jason repeats, ignoring the fact she was trying to help him.  He pulls his hand back, dropping his arm by his side, not  even caring about the way the blood was falling from his knuckles and staining both his pants and shirt. The anger and venom that once coated his words were now replaced with a hint of sadness and heartbreak.  She's never seen him this upset before.... regardless, if he'd just calm down, she could explain.  "Jason, baby-" His voice broke as he looked up at (Y/N), sad eyes meeting with her confused but angry gaze. On top of those, she was sad, too.   "Go then. Go to him, if you prefer to spend your day with him rather than your own boyfriend. You don't care about me, I'm not sure you ever did."  (Y/N) sighed, shaking her head as a few more tears spill past her cheeks. "Fine. If you won't let me talk and tell you my side of the story, I'm leaving. If that's what you think and if you truly think I don't give a fuck about you, I'm gone." (Y/N) mutters, letting go of his hand as she walks back over to the door, grabbing her keys and wallet before storming out the door, slamming the door shut as she leaves.

A week passes. 

Another week following behind that.  

(Y/N) didn't bother to call or show up.

He really fucked things up, didn't he? 

Jason wasn't huge on  showcasing his feelings and putting them out on display for people to see. The only emotion he was so used to showing was anger and madness. Nothing but chaos was built and stored away in Jason Dean's body, too.  All three traits made him who he was.  People may not like him because of his temper and all the flaws he had but it was him, and he didn't plan on changing for anybody.  Expect.... of course, (Y/N). As he sat alone in his bedroom, he felt depressed. He never cried, either.  Couldn't tell you the last time he ever did cry. Did he even cry as a baby? Jason wasn't sure, nor could he tell you.  

But.... Jason cried. For the first time in forever, he broke down and cried. Couldn't help himself.  By the end of the night, there were no tears left to cry. He had run dry. His body couldn't form any more tears.   Feeling both mentally and physically drained, Jason reached over and grabbed his phone off of the night stand, dialing the one number he actually had memorized.  All he got was her voicemail.   "This is (Y/N). I can't answer the phone at the moment but  I will get back to you as soon as I can! Bye!"  Jason groaned and he was half-tempted to throw the phone out of his window but he decided against it as he left a voicemail, regardless. He wanted (Y/N) to know he was sorry. 

He wanted (Y/N) to know that despite their arguments (which weren't constant but when they did fight, it was mainly due to Jason's behavior rather than her own) he loves her.  

 (Y/N) coming into his life was the only good thing the world had offered and gave him. He wasn't going to give her up. Not that easily, anyways.  "Hey." He had forgotten he was leaving a voicemail, having zoned out for a second, the beep brought him back out of his thoughts.  "It's me. Uh.... Jason.... your boyfriend? I hope so, anyway, still.... But, yeah, it's Jason.... Jason Dean.... ha, uh.... you knew that.

  Listen, I'm sorry for everything,  (Y/N).  I'm sorry for having that temper tantrum and taking out my frustration and jealousy on you. I'm not good at this type of stuff, not so great with showing my emotions in person either, so....

 I'll talk here,  hopefully the message goes all the way through. I don't want to say this in person, again, I'm not good at the whole unraveling my feelings, especially not face to face.

 But... (Y/N), baby, you're the best thing that's ever been mine. You're my darlin', my girl, and I got jealous because I was scared, okay? 

I was scared of losing you. And I'm telling you this because it's been awhile now and I haven't seen you around or heard from you in awhile. Therefore, I may have already lost you but.... I love you, (Y/N)... and I'm sorry, okay? 

Thought you'd never hear me say that, huh? Me, apologizing? That's like... once in a blue moon. Hah.....  

But, uh... well, it's true. I'm sorry and I, Jason Dean, love you, (Y/N) (L/N). And I hope that you still love me too."   With that, Jason ends the call, hanging the phone back up on the table as he falls back onto the bed. He didn't - doesn't - know what to do if he didn't have (Y/N) by his side.   Trying to ignore these thoughts and place his attention elsewhere, he decides he needs to focus on sleeping. His body was exhausted after all that crying, plus the punch to the picture frame was still making his hand ache and throb, despite it being a few weeks since he had done it. 

He had one hell of a nasty bruise, too. He was sure it wouldn't look so ugly and scarred if he  had listened to (Y/N) and taken her up on that offer when she suggested the first aid kit...  Before he knows it, he's drifting off into a deep slumber, naturally bringing a pillow into his chest, tucking it underneath his arm as he falls asleep.   

Faint whispers of (Y/N)'s name spills pass his lips as he sleeps. He'd rather be cuddling her than a pillow but he'll take what he can get. He just hopes she'll accept his apology.  

(Y/N) gets home a little after midnight, sighing heavily and tiredly as she kicks off her shoes and strips out of her jacket, hanging the coat up first before setting her shoes under the rack. She had just finished unpacking and helping her cousin move things in his new apartment and she was exhausted. All she wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. 

 In the corner of her eye, however, she notices her answering machine is flashing red, letting her know someone had left a voicemail.  She walks over and clicks on the button, expecting it to be for  her parents but instead she's met with a shocking fate - it was Jason.  

Hearing his voice, so weak and vulnerable, brought tears to her eyes and she bit back a sob. Especially when he apologized, that was new. 

They've said those three words to each other before, of course, but it was hearing how sad he sounded that let her know he truly did love her, despite everything they've been through and all the silly arguments they've shared over the past few months; they loved each other. 

 And nothing - nobody - could ever stand in the way of that.   Jason was still a huge dumbass, however. 

And as she grabs her jacket, sliding the thick layer of clothing around herself and dips her feet into her boots, she's quick to go and tell him that, too.  

She loves him, yes, but she needs to let him know he was a  huge fucking idiot. 

Jason, for the most post, was sleeping peacefully until he heard a loud crash coming from downstairs, along with a string of curse words. 

  He was quick to get up, throwing the blanket and pillow aside as he opened his bedroom door and creeps down the hallway, wondering who the hell was in his living room.   

He was met with.... well, not a burglar  neither his father as he would have guessed the next outcome to be but rather his girlfriend.

"(Y/N)? What are you doing here?" He asks, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands as he tried to shake off the remaining sleep that had taken over him not even a few hours ago. 

"I came here to scare you, obviously." She scoffs, rolling her eyes as she scrambles up and off of the floor, brushing her knees and arms from the fall she had taken.  "Your door was locked, couldn't find the extra key anywhere so I snuck in through the window and-"

"And... you're bleeding." Jason said, gesturing to the tiny gash on her arm.   "C'mon, I've got a first aid kit around here somewhere." He mocks, giving her a playful smile as he quoted the words she had said to him the day they got into that fight. 

 (Y/N) said nothing but she follows when Jason offers his hand out to her, anyway.   He was surprised when he did find the small box up in a cabinet.   

"It's fine. I'm fine. Nothing  a bandage won't fix, right?" 

"(Y/N). Why are you here? You never did answer me." Jason said, getting out the tiny box of band-aids, ripping one open as he presses the item down onto her arm. She was right, it wasn't a big cut, a few drops of blood, sure, but it wasn't one that'd get infected.  

"I got your voice message." She said with a shrug of her shoulders. "And I came to talk to you about it."

He wasn't sure whether or not that was a good or bad thing.

 "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. You're a dumbass." 

Oh. 

 It was bad. 

He felt his heart drop down to his stomach. He really let his jealousy get the best of him and now he was going to lose the one good thing he had in his life. 

"I love you but you didn't let me speak," She continued.  "That guy you saw... first of all, you have no right to judge him or say you hate him when you have no idea who he is. That dude I was seen with was my cousin, who, may I add, is gay.” 

“I’ve been helping him move which is why you saw me in town with him. We were getting a few supplies and picking up his furniture.” She continues.

“You got jealous over a guy who is far from being attracted to  females. And you know... he's related to me as well, so, that also plays a huge part in it. And if you didn't notice either, the picture you broke was actually a portrait of my family and his together at a family reunion. Of course, you didn't see that, though or probably even noticed but.... yeah, you're a dumbass. I love you, J.D, but you're an idiot for thinking I'd ever love someone more than I love you." 

Jason says nothing, he feels embarrassed, ashamed, but overall; he feels happy, knowing she still loves him, even if he was a total moron.  "I'm sorry, baby, I got jealous and I shouldn't jump so quickly to conclusions  and-"

"And you need to make up for it." She said, pressing her chest up against his, resting her hand on the palm of his cheek, brushing a few stray hairs out from his face as she gives him a seductive look. "And how.... exactly, are you going to make up for it, baby?" She purred. 

"I think I've an idea." He said with a smirk.

"Oh, yeah? While you're at it, can you choke me like you did, too?" 

"I'll do more than just choke you with my hand, darling." 

"To be suffocated and to choke on either your cock and hand would be a blessing, my dear." 

"Then let's go upstairs, shall we?"

(Y/N) smiled and took Jason's hand with her own, giggling as if she wasn't just talking about getting choked by her boyfriend, as if she was some saint rather than a sinner. Fuck... Jason loves how dirty she was. "We shall." He replies, nearly dragging her up the stairs and into his bedroom. 

"Going to show you how much I love you, going to treat you so good, so well, baby girl... missed you so much, love you so much..." 

#heathers #jason dean x reader #jason dean x yn #jason dean fanfics #jason dean x femreader #jason dean one shot #jason dean imagines #christian slater #christian slater x reader #christian slater x yn #my works #cierra's stories

[90slevi]

Loneliness {Levi Ackerman x Reader}

TW: a bit of gore? a LOT of angst, more of me venting lol

Levi ran his hands through his hair as he flopped down onto the old, crusty sofa.

It'd been a tough day for him and his squad, the group of them only just surviving as they frantically dodged a mass of titans and tried their best to weave through the pounding rain that was so heavy it almost left marks on the scarred bodies of the soldiers. Thank god the group had found a small, secluded cabin, or they might've frozen to death - if they hadn't been eaten first.

The number of people Levi had seen get mutilated in front of him in the past few hours alone was enough for the average person to see in a lifetime. For him, it should be normal. He should be used to it by now, maybe even desensitised, but every time he watched a person get split in half by the gaping jaws of a titan, it felt like a fresh, stinging wound on his skin. It was painful, yet all he could do was watch with his stern expression to hide the way he truly felt. To keep the confidence of his squad high.

Now, he and his crew were safe. Physically, maybe, but certainly not mentally.

Levi missed his wife. His head pounded in pain as the blood-stained bandages began to unravel and his headache increased, but all he wanted to do was think about her. He held her letters close, and he held the small oil-painting of the two of them close to his heart, something that'd been made by one of the higher-ups as a gift for Humanity's Strongest. The letter was one of the first things Y/n had written to him and the pretty yet smudged handwriting along with the cute curls of her Gs and Ys made his heart feel warm.

It'd been about a month since they'd both left Wall Sina to go on this extremely long, drawn-out expedition, and how much he cared about her was beginning to dwell on him. His heart and body ached, and he wished she was there with him to comfort his pains, even if he acted like he wasn't listening.

That was what Levi liked about her; she knew how much he cared about her without him needing to express himself. Something he wasn't... the best at.

Levi didn't realise his eyes were welling up with tears until he felt a small, fresh droplet appear on his upper cheek, and his eyelashes felt sticky. Quickly, he wiped it away with his sleeves, but it was unlikely anyone would see. Everyone was supposedly asleep, while he stayed up due to his unfortunate insomnia. Y/n was always there with him in their bed at home, someone he could hold onto while he tried his best to sleep. Her fingers running through his hair, leaving small little pats on his scalp, and tiny kisses on his forehead were all things he missed dreadfully, and he gulped a little as his heart pounded slightly.

Love was never really a thing Levi had believed in. He just went about his life, trying to survive and find a better life for humanity. But when he met Y/n, everything changed. Of course, he disliked her at first, just as he did with most people. Her bubbly, caring personality with too much sympathy and love for other people were things he, unfortunately, despised, mainly because they were things he seemed to lack. Yet... he couldn't help but be drawn to her, giving her extra chores such as cleaning his office and bringing him tea just so he could see her. Often he'd ask Y/n to help him with his paperwork so he had some sort of company, once even choosing her over Hanji to fetch him food.

He slowly began to realise over the months that it wasn't hatred he felt for Y/n. It was... fear. He was scared of loving someone, especially someone like her. Someone who was part of the Survey Corps, and someone who could die within a week and not have the chance to say goodbye. It hurt him way too much to love someone, yet he couldn't keep his feelings to himself.

When he found out she felt the same way, the two discussed their options. One being totally ridiculous and one being... more reasonable and sensible.

The first? Choosing to leave the Survey Corps and get married, far away from the life they'd been leading.

The second? Staying in the Survey Corps and going separate ways, never to speak of this again and to drop the feelings if they could.

But of course Y/n managed to merge the two together. Staying in the Survey Corps and getting married.

But... they were in different squads. While he led his own, Y/n was under Hanji, and he currently had no idea where her squad was or IF they'd even survived. They'd been seperated for three weeks now, and the questions that filled his mind felt like psychological torture. Levi tried his best to block that thought out of his head, not wanting to be plagued with the thoughts of his wife's death instead of focussing on the mission at hand. At that moment, he needed to prioritise his own Squad's safety, but he couldn't keep those thoughts at bay.

A sniffle escaped his nose as he felt his eyes well up again, and Levi had never felt so lonely. His free arm reached upwards as if he could magically touch fingers with Y/n and know she was okay, but it was pointless. His arm flopped back down as he tried to find a comfortable position on the absolutely awful-excuse of a sofa, but struggled. Crying was not a very-Levi thing to do, but at that moment? He just couldn't help himself.

Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he felt almost like a baby. He was not only upset about not having his wife near, but extremely embarrassed too. He was hyperaware that someone could see him, even though nobody was there, and he knew that as a captain, it was highly irresponsible to be sobbing like this. He'd only cried twice in front of Y/n; the first was when he thought she'd died, and the second was the aftermath of his original squad dying. If only she could see him now, looking pathetic and weak.

But he should've known she didn't think of him like that. Y/n knew him as the strongest person she'd ever met in her life and believed that crying was not a sign of weakness, but a sign of holding it in for too long. Holding in those negative emotions and putting on a strong facade only she could see through. Only a fool would think Levi was brave all the time, because even the strongest get scared.

"Fuck," Levi muttered shakily, noticing that one of his tears had merged two words together on one of the letters, creating an inky black blob. He placed the pieces of parchment onto the table beside him, making sure not to ruin them anymore, and balled his fists into his eyes to stop himself from crying anymore. He didn't want to feel this; he wanted to go home and spend the rest of his days with you, blissfully unaware that the titans even existed. Maybe he'd be a dad.

But no. The world just liked to cruelly torture him and watch him suffer. The world wanted him to watch everyone he ever knew die in front of him in ways he didn't want to experience. The world just wanted the worst for him, and he wondered what he'd ever done to deserve it.

When he heard a knock at the door of the cabin, he completely ignored it, not wanting to get up and answer. His eyes were red and puffy, while teardrops hung in his eyelashes. It was clear as day he'd been crying, and for some reason, it didn't exactly register in his mind that there was someone at the door until he heard footsteps.

"Captain Hanji!" a voice from downstairs exclaimed, one Levi recognised as Armin Arlert's. Levi almost shot up in his seat at that name, and his heart almost dropped to the pit of his stomach. He held his breath, the pain of not knowing whether his wife was alive or not becoming too much to bear. And now, he'd be told what'd happened to her. "It's so late, where have you been?"

"We took a detour," Hanji chuckled, and Levi groaned quietly at her poor taste in jokes. It was somewhere around 2am and everyone was filled with so much anxiety that it really wasn't the right time for her 'comedic expertise'. "No, we got ambushed by a ton of titans and we had to hideout in this abandoned castle until it was safe. We used the night to kill the ones that were resting before coming here."

"But we got lost," a male's voice said, and Levi heard Armin physically face-palm. The captain kicked his legs over the sofa and his ears pricked up, his heart racing against his chest for any sign of his wife. He was completely frozen in place, unable to leave the room and confront the group, never mind help them. Thank goodness Armin was there. "Hanji went way too far East instead of West."

"Hey! I was listening to your directions, Heinrich," Hanji sighed, and he heard the door close behind them as the whole group wandered inside. A few members of his own squad seemed to be leaving their temporary bedroom, greeting Hanji and the others with a fake display of delight. Not that they weren't happy to see Hanji's squad; they were delighted to know the group was alive and well. They were just... tired, and too mentally traumatised from that day alone to give a proper smile.

Footsteps echoed around the house to the point that Levi had no idea if people were coming up or going down the stairs, and he finally stood up when the door to his room opened...

And his heart skipped a beat.

Standing in the doorway was Y/n, her eyes swollen from tears and her wrist in a temporary bandage. Cuts and bruises littered her visible skin, and she dropped her cloak to the floor as she rushed over, flinging herself into her husband's arms. Levi fell backward onto the sofa, his eyes wide with surprise as the woman nuzzled her face into his neck and chest, unable to get enough of him. A strangled breath left her as she pressed a lingering kiss to his lips, and he returned it. His hands roamed her back, gently taking off her brown jacket and examining her broken wrist.

"Y/n," he said quietly, looking up at her as she straddled his legs, hugging him with her free arm. "What happened?"

"I went to rescue Lorena Engel and fractured my wrist in the process," she said softly, sitting up and wiping her eyes as she attempted to look him in the face. "She was grabbed by a titan and I went to slice at the wrong angle... it was purely an accident."

"I'm glad to see that other than that, you're okay," he said, a small, strained smile on his lips. It wasn't that he wasn't happy to see her. In fact, he was completely overjoyed to see his wife again. It was just... really difficult to smile at that point in time, and thankfully, she understood. Then, he wrapped his arms around her waist once more and held her tightly, his face against her chest as he listened to her racing heartbeat. Tears began to escape again, and when she noticed, she planted soft kisses across his head, her hands running through his hair just as he liked. "God, I missed you so fucking much."

"I missed you too," she answered, the goosebumps that'd prickled on her body due to the cold eventually disappearing. The dim candlelight in the room was barely exuding any heat, but the warmth from her husband was enough. Just Levi being there, safe and sound, was enough.

After a while, Levi's voice entered the silent room.

"Did everyone in your squad make it?" he asked, and it took a few moments for Y/n to reply.

"Everyone except Marcus Karsten" she whispered, choking slightly. "He... lost his life a week ago. What about... you?"

"Everyone made it," Levi answered, gently rubbing her back comfortingly. He wasn't best with words, so he made sure to make up for it with actions. She seemed to like that, anyway. "I'm... thankful for that."

"Yeah, that's good," Y/n said, a genuine smile on her lips. She was grateful his squad had no fatalities. They were a good bunch of kids, and she got along with most of them. "Levi, why is there a bandage on your head?

"Little accident," he answered, amused that she was worried about the little things. His injuries didn't matter to him, but to her they were incredibly important. "I misjudged where I was going and banged my head, but it's okay."

"It better be," she chuckled quietly, even the tiniest bit of laughter meaning the world to him. He hadn't heard it in so long that he hadn't realised how desperate he was for it. "Now, I can see those little eyebags creeping onto your face. You've barely slept."

"So?" he muttered, burying his face further into her chest. "What about it?"

"God, your stubborn," she sighed, ruffling his hair. "Now that I'm here, will you try your best to fall asleep?"

"But you've only just arrived-"

"So?" Y/n answered, teasing him and brushing his forehead with her thumb. She then planted another yet smaller kiss onto his lips, one Levi tried to push further into but was denied. "You'll be seeing me all day tomorrow. Just a couple hours rest won't do any harm."

Levi knew there was no winning against his wife. She was incredibly persistent when she wanted to be, so he sighed in annoyance before falling onto his back, lying on the sofa. She lay on top of him, his arms tight around her body as she snuggled into his shoulder. A tiny sigh of relief left his lungs and he took a deep breath in, filling his nose with her scent (and the unfortunate smell of dirt and blood, but he didn't care).

As happy as he could get, Levi eventually fell asleep, holding his dearly beloved in his arms.

#levi ackerman #attack on titan #levi #shingeki no kyojin #snk #aot #anime #levi fanfiction #one-shot #angst #hurt/comfort #fluff and angst

[illnessfaker]

regarding the incident with that one user who i won't name because i don't feel like i should:

i did password-protect this blog as a result of that for a bit. i think it's "resolved" (as much as it can be) now which is why i'm back. i honestly do feel some of what i said to that person was inappropriate and in an apologetic message they sent me i told them to not worry about it and take care of themselves (if you're reading this, i meant that, and i am sorry for the insensitive things i said myself) 'cause i was living in the indescribable nightmare that is an abusive home environment with little to no external support to offset that only 2 years ago. that isn't me trying to justify their behavior and i'm not the only one who was involved in that situation but it can put you in...some extremely dark mental places and the only way to get out of that or combat it is to focus on yourself and what you need to survive which is what i hope they do and i hope they are able to leave like i got the extremely lucky chance to (though the place i went to at first was not safe) and i hope they are able to heal from it and live a happier and more comfortable life. i wish i had more advice for someone in that circumstance since i was in it for the first 20-odd years of my life but there's no surefire way to survive that kind of thing on your own. i just distracted myself mostly with fictional worlds and my imagination and held onto fantasies about the future.

they also kinda reminded me of an ex-friend of mine in some ways and while i no longer speak with that person and they did some things (not to me) that i don't feel i can look past or forgive i still don't wish them harm or suffering and only that they are able to heal and have healthier, more fulfilling relationships with other people, because that's the root of the issue. it's not as if being abused or mistreated creates this 1:1 ratio of wanting to or unintentionally enacting or desiring any harm towards others but in a culture where inter-personal violence is normalized and someone doesn't have anything in their life to combat that narrative and offset its effects, then the cycle gets perpetuated. and that's something i'm guilty of myself. punitive measured in any capacity don't help to break that cycle. one of my mutuals pointed out that we have a tendency to be unnecessarily callous to others online and even if i wasn't inclined to agree with her in that moment, she's right.

i'm not posting this as like a self-masturbatory thing or whatever btw i'm like. not interested in defending my online image or w/e on this particular blog like i kinda screwed the pooch on that one already and i'm a deeply fucked up person which is an uncharitable way to describe my current psychological circumstance i suppose but i tend to be be rather cold and reckless and highly self-centered and very bitter which i definitely have a responsibility to work on and i don't always practice what i preach (which is mainly due to dissociated parts stuff if i'm honest and that has yet to be meaningfully addressed but also that isn't an excuse.) idk what to end this with things just suck and i wish the world were more gentle.

#no reblogs - #op

[twinklelilstarkey]

hi i don’t know if you write about mental health problems or anything but if you do, please could you write a billy butcher x female reader where you’re his gf and it’s gotten really bad but he takes care of you ?? sorry i know it’s a bit much but i’m going through it tbh ://

A/N: You and me both, my love. Hope everything gets better for you.

I wrote this based mainly on anxiety since is the one I’m most acquainted with.

Words: 1.9k+

Summary: Billy gives you advice on your anxiety.

Warnings: Female!Reader. Mentions of anxiety. Mentions of stress over college work. Slight age gap is mentioned, but you can imagine it as big or as small as you want, literally, anyone can be a college student. College Student Problems!

You have been having an extreme hard time with college. Teachers like to believe that any student can easily work under extreme pressure, so they like to schedule all tests and essays in a space of a week and a half.

With all of that, it means that you need to study with many weeks in advance and hope that you won’t mix all the information in your head and get confused. As well as... Take as less breaks possible.

That may sound ridiculous to many, and you’re 100% sure that any doctor would yell at you if they had heard you say that, (since breaks are ALWAYS NEEDED), but you just can’t bring yourself to take breaks.

It’s both mentally and physically impossible. You already can’t sleep that well; you can’t eat that much or even focus on other things other than your notes and books (you had previously grabbed at the library).

Everyone that hangs out with you knows that you’re a very anxious person by nature, but they never saw you like this. And if they had to admit, it is quite scary.

Your boyfriend, Billy, who also lives with you, has been blind to it all. It’s not his fault. You try to hide it as much from him as possible. And he’s also out of the house for most of the day and only sees you when he comes back before dinner.

He has noticed your jumpy leg under the table, bloody bottom lip (from you biting it) and especially how less you eat. But like I said before, you’re an anxious person by nature.

Billy doesn’t see your daily mental breakdowns or hears you giving yourself a pep talk when in the shower, because he’s almost never present whenever something important happens between the boys.

But everything will change today.

And that is because today is a Friday that Billy decided to take off ‘work’ to stay home and relax, while you, on the other hand, will spend it with online classes and studying.

You lean back on your desk chair, finding it awfully uncomfortable after so many days sitting in that same position, and sigh loudly while looking at the PowerPoint that is being projected on the Zoom call.

Your webcam is on, yet your microphone is off, making your sounds of pure frustration be silent to others that could possibly see you.

The TV in the other room is on by what  you can hear over your headphones, and you’re pretty sure that Billy is sitting on the couch bingewatching a random ‘police drama’, as always.

He has made his appearance at least once on the background of your screen, which caught some people’s attention. But other than that, he has been leaving you in your corner to peacefully have your class.

You continue to take notes of what your teacher is saying silently as your mind runs miles an hour, always taking your attention somewhere else.

“You alright there?”

You turn your chair a bit to the side and look over your shoulder at the doorway behind you, looking at the owner of the deep voice and the British accent.

“Yeah” You say with a quick fake smile before turning back around to look at the screen.

“You sure?”

You nod, knowing that he can see your head (the chair’s back is not that tall).

“Alright,” He says before walking off to somewhere in your apartment.

(...)

Lunch went rather well. You ate as much as you could, which wasn’t a lot. But Billy’s cursing at the news were enough to keep your mind occupied for that short while. Other than that, your day has been like any other day of this week.

You’re officially done with your online classes for today, but unfortunately, you still need to study.

You have been reading your notes and small bits of the books the teachers told you to study with, for the past… what you believe, hour, but nothing seemed to make sense.

You’ve tried changing up a few words in the sentences, for simpler words, in hopes that your brain will soon catch the meaning as it sounds simpler... but nothing of the sort is happening.

Your eyes have filled with frustrated tears at least 10 times since you started, making the reading quite difficult. But as for right now, you are letting those tears roll down your face in complete defeat.

People do say that you shouldn’t hold back your tears, right? That it will always feel better once you stop?

Yeah, that is true. But they forgot to mention that it only lasts 10 minutes.

You sniffle while wiping the tears off your face, throwing the pencil down at the desk in pure frustration, before leaning back on the chair.

“Are you okay?” Billy asks from behind you, probably on his way to the bathroom.

“Yeah, yeah” you say while wiping your tears quickly, “My nose just started running for no reason”

A silence is set and for a few seconds you believe that he has walked away, but that was until you felt his warm hand rest over your shoulder.

“Runny nose that created tears?” He asks in a slight ironic tone.

You don’t answer him, yet his hand gives your shoulder a small squeeze.

“Get up, let’s go to the living room” He says in a whisper.

“I can’t” you say, not taking your eyes off your notebooks, “I need to keep studying”

“I’m sure you can take a break”

You sigh loudly, trying to rearrange your feelings before looking up at the older man.

“I need to keep studying” You repeat.

Your sad tone was way more noticeable to Billy this time, and he caught it right as you said the first word.

“How long has it been since you took a break?”

“I’ve been here since lunch”

Butcher’s eyes widen at your words and his mouth falls agape.

“It’s almost 5pm, what do you mean since lunch?”

You shrug as an answer before taking a quick look at your phone, checking if Butcher isn’t lying about the time, and he’s not.

His mind runs with thoughts about you probably feeling exhausted, while yours just run around the idea of another day almost being over and you haven’t even started to understand this new chapter.

You try to grab your pencil back from the table but Billy, in that same second, snatches it off your hand and puts it back down.

“Get up in your two little feet and walk your arse over to the couch”

You, surprisingly, do as told, once noticing his change of tone, as well as his change of facial expression. He looks slightly annoyed, but also, worried.

You walk off the bedroom, Billy right behind you, not even a meter away.

Once your body collides down into the soft surface of the couch, Butcher lets out a loud sigh, also taking his seat.

“Have you been doing this routine every day?” He asks, looking over at you.

“Yeah. I mean, kinda,” you answer, shrugging again, “it depends on what classes I’m having”

“Have you eaten anything since lunch?”

“No, I’m not hungry”

“How? You almost didn’t even eat anything today”

“I just feel nauseous every time I smell or see food, I can’t eat, Billy” you say, with a sadder expression taking over your face.

“And why do you not take breaks?”

“I don’t have time for breaks”

“Honey, 15 minutes wouldn’t hurt you” he says, making you look away, knowing that he won’t understand your side, “You know that”

“Yeah, I know that. But what are breaks when my mind just stays on that stupid piece of paper the whole time?” You ask, “I’ve tried everything to keep my mind occupied with something else, believe me! I just can’t relax until I got all of this sorted in my head”

“I get it, love” He says in a calmer tone, as if he was trying to calm you down with his voice, “But you know that if you’re non stop studying, at some point, your brain just wont grab anything that you’re reading, right?”

You stay silent.

“I’ve studied for college as well. No degree is easy, love, that’s for sure. I know how stressful it is, and how it feels when you don’t have your own stuff under control” His hand rests over yours, “But you don’t have to destroy your mental health because of it”

“What if it’s my mental health destroying itself and not me destroying it?”

“Well… You are sure helping it” He admits, “If your mind is worried about something from when you wake up to when you go to sleep, all you could do to relax is get a distraction, right?”

“Yeah, but I’ve tried everything”

“I’m sure you didn’t try everything, babes” He gives your hand a little squeeze, “There’s millions of options. Try not to read if you space-out too much, and try, I don’t know, watch one of those highly chaotic videos you like to watch. I’m sure those one’s will leave your mind more than occupied”

A small smile grows on your lips as you hear his words and you take a deep breath.

“And what do I do if I continue to not be able to understand anything?”

“I’m sure you understand something. You take notes like a mad woman when in class” he says with a joking tone.

“I’m serious”

“I know you are, princess. But this is not the first time you’ve felt this much pressure because of school, is it?” You shake your head, “And every time you lived past this type of shit, you were able to do every test and every essay right on time. And most of them with fucking amazing grades!” He says with a smile at the end.

There’s some silence between the two of you.

“I know it feels like it’s impossible to live through this right now, but believe me, there’s always someone in a worst situation than you, yet still is able to live their lives with smiles on their faces. If they can do it, I’m more than fucking sure you can do it 200 times better”

A silence is set between the two of you again, this time, a little longer than before.

“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? I know it sounds impossible right now, but just try and focus on something else. Leave all of that for tomorrow”

As good as that sounds, you feel a little hesitant. Billy lifts his hand from yours and brings it over to your head, caressing it as you look down at the ground.

“I’m just scared that I won’t be able to pass these tests”

Butcher, with your words, leans forward and presses a kiss on the side of your head, over your hair.

“I would offer you my help if I could” He says making a sympathetic smile appear over your lips, “But I don’t even understand a word from what you write down”

A chuckle escapes your lips and you look back up at him.

“I can always ask Hughie for help” He offers.

“I would love that. Thank you.”

You wrap one of your arms around Billy’s torso and lean your head over his shoulder. Butcher responds quickly to your actions by wrapping his own arms around you, pulling you closer to him.

Billy leans his head to the side, laying it right on yours, and you snuggle closer to him once feeling his warmth envelop your colder body.

“Here” He says, before passing you the remote.

As soon as you start surfing through the channels, Billy remembers something.

“Start thinking about what you want for dinner” He says, “You’ll be eating a whole 3 course meal tonight, young lady”

- - - - - - 

Hope you liked this!!!

#billy butcher #billy butcher x reader #billy butcher x you #billy x reader #the boys #the boys imagine

[free-pool-trash]

dangerous game - peter maximoff

okay! this is just pure angst. peter has big dumbass energy in this one and i wanted it to hurt so here we are, i haven’t read over it so it could be awful.

requested by anon:  So, I was thinking about this. Peter and the reader are best friends. both have a crush for each other but they are too awkward to do something(and the classical "I don't want to ruin our friendship").Peter in a weird attempt of trying to get over this way too big almost painful love(that he thinks is not mutual)decides to date someone else! Make sense? Would it work for a fic? I don't know, you are the master mind here love. Anyways, the end is up to you? If he ends up with the reader or not

word count: 3.8k

warning(s): lots of swearing, fighting, peter being a dick, platonic warren

masterlist

PART II & III ARE UP ON THE MASTERLIST

When you were younger you thought that having a ride or die best friend would be the greatest thing in the world. What you didn't know however was how agonizingly painful it would be when you developed feelings, and eventually, fell in love with that ride or die best friend.

Peter was, as you always described him to people, your ride or die. He was your favorite person on the face of the planet and your most trusted confidante. You say 'was' because lately you didn't know what he was to you.  

Things had changed so horribly fast, faster than he could even run, you thought. It changed so fast despite the fact that you felt it happen, watched it happen, over the most gut wrenching few weeks.

Everything had been perfectly normal between the pair of you, the day before it all started going so terribly wrong, you'd been laughing and cracking jokes together, you did what you always did and stole his silver jacket and he'd said what he always said, "looks better on you anyway." Common practice in your friendship. At least... it had been.

In all honesty, you felt so unbelievably fucking stupid, because for a fleeting moment you had yourself convinced that your best friend of almost three whole years actually had romantic feelings for you, idiotic thought apparently.

Because the very next day Peter began to withdraw himself from you, slowly but not at all subtly. It started with the distance he started putting between you physically, and then the emotional distancing kicked in a few days later and then before you could even comprehend why he was acting the way he was, he was pretending as if he'd never even met you and it hurt like all hell.

Not only did he pretend like he didn't know you, but he also acted like nothing was out of the ordinary when you confronted him about the whole situation.

"Peter! Hey wait up!" You'd called out to him, having to break into a jog to catch up to the mop of silver hair that seemed to quicken it's pace upon hearing your voice.

Once you caught up to him, you had to take a second to catch your breath before you spoke.

"You running away from me or something, Maximoff?" You asked, a joking tone in your voice that did very little to mask your confusion.

Peter laughed awkwardly and glanced around nervously, and if you didn't know any better you would have said that it was like he didn't want to be seen with you at all.

"Uh no, what makes you think that?" He questioned, clearing his throat and continuing to look around, seemingly on edge. About what you hadn't known.

"Well, the fact that you have barely spoken a word to me in last two we-" Before you could even finish your sentence, Peter's eyes moved to focus on something behind your head and he cut you off.

"I actually can't talk right now, but um we can definitely catch up later!" With that he pushed past you and walked toward what, or more accurately, who he'd been staring at.

You watched helplessly as he rushed happily towards Heather, one of the newer students at the academy. Your face dropped as you watched him throw an arm casually around her shoulder and you didn't even try to mask the hurt on your face while you watched them walk off together.

Oh. So he'd replaced you. Oh okay.

From there it went from having little to no contact to absolutely no contact whatsoever, despite your constant attempts to get his attention.

A few months passed you by while you tried to figure out what exactly you were feeling. You felt betrayed mainly, the sense of abandonment was strong too and of course the confusion you felt about the whole situation hung over you like a dark cloud.

What had you done to deserve that? You couldn't for the life of you figure it out and that's what hurt the most, he never even stopped to give you a reason.

Another emotion you'd settled on was anger. The color sliver now triggered your fight or flight response and oh how you were itching for a good fight.

Night after night the exact same questions bounced around your mind, never allowing you to sleep peacefully, not until you hushed them with a half assed conclusion you'd created yourself.

"How could he just leave me like that? After everything we've been through? Was I not a good enough friend? Did I do something to push him away?" You'd promised yourself that you'd never allow yourself to lose sleep over a boy, you couldn't stand that this is what you'd come to. 

You hated Peter for making you feel this way, you hated him for it, he was the one person that knew every single thing about you, he knew all of your biggest weaknesses and yet he didn't even think twice before exploiting them- like it meant nothing, like you meant nothing.

News of Peter and Heather becoming an official "couple" had spread throughout the Academy rather quickly. You pretended that you didn't care but fuck if you weren't crying on the inside.

You were fucking miserable and the people around you, the people who loved you and were concerned about you would've had to be blind not to notice.

Jean and Jubilee were constantly checking up with you, making sure you ate at least one meal a day since they noticed that you usually skipped out on meals and looked like you were always about to pass out after training. They didn't push you too hard however, they'd been in your shoes you all knew what heartbreak looked like, you all knew what it felt like and you all knew that it would pass in time, but it needed to run its course first.

The boys on the other hand were assigned to deal with the Peter side of things, they were not as gentle in dealing with the speedster as they were with dealing with you.

Warren had been straight up pissed off, Kurt's heart ached for you and Scott seemed to hold the same confusion as you did. They'd try their best to get answers out of Peter without stirring the pot between him and his new girl, but the two seemed to be attached at the hip and it was getting harder to catch the boy alone.

Eventually the three boys had enough of tiptoeing around the topic with Peter, he seemed to be thriving and you seemed to only be getting worse despite your efforts to hide it from the group. You were one of the best people each of them knew, they knew you and they knew all you'd need to be back to yourself was some closure, it didn't seem like so much to ask yet somehow it felt like obtaining it was an impossible task. 

So instead of their usual divide and conquer tactic the boys decided to simply corner the speedster and make him talk. It was pretty much a surprise intervention.

"What the hell?" Peter asked looking between the three boys who'd backed him into a literal corner.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Scott was the first to speak up, shaking his head at Peter disapprovingly.

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you guys, why are you ambushing me?" Peter asked becoming nervous as Warren scoffed.

"Cut the shit, Maximoff. Why'd you screw (Y/n) like that?" Warren asked, no longer willing to beat around the bush.

The boys noticed how Peter tensed at the mention of your name, the boy under scrutiny cleared his throat and attempted to move past the boys, who successfully stopped him.

"Look I've got a date-" He started before Warren pushed him back.

"I couldn't care less, Maximoff. Answer the question." Warren demanded as Scott and Kurt became aware of the fact that Warren wasn't fucking around.

"Why do you even care what happens between (Y/n) and I?" Peter asked defensively, deflecting the question and regretting it as Warren stalked towards him.

"I care because she's one of my closest friends and you abandoned her without a second thought and started trapesing around with the new girl as if (Y/n) had meant nothing to you in the first place and now she's fucking miserable, so answer the fucking question." Warren growled out through gritted teeth, and the other boys nodded in agreement behind Warren.

"She's heartbroken, Peter." Scott added, as Kurt nodded in agreement before asking, "Haven't you noticed?"

Peter's brows furrowed as he looked at each of the boys before looking back at Warren, squaring up to him. He left you to protect the integrity of your friendship, to protect your feelings. But it wasn't your feelings he was protecting, no it was his own, he was selfish and stupid but he was too far gone to turn back now.

He missed you more than anything, he loved you for fuck sake but if hating him was what you needed to do to move on then he'd make you hate him, although he assumed he was doing a good job of that already.

Swallowing hard he looked Warren dead in the eyes and mentally prepared himself to get the everliving shit kicked out of him by the winged boy, with what he planned to say he definitely deserved it.

"She's not my problem. She got too attached, that's on her." Peter spat out in the most malicious voice he could manage, fuck he hated himself.

Warren’s fist moved to connect with Peter's jaw before Scott and Kurt held him back, the two boys were seething from what Peter said, and Scott knew him well enough to know that what he was saying was utter bullshit, but they knew if Warren got his hands on Peter the speedster would probably end up with a broken spine.

"I don't know who you're trying to fool Peter but get your shit together." Scott told him angrily before Kurt teleported the three of them away.

The boys ended up in your room where you were chatting with Jean and Jubilee who were already there. You all knew about the boys and their plan to confront Peter and judging by how angry they all looked, you guessed it didn't go as planned.

"No joy?" Jubilee asked sympathetically and Kurt shook his head sadly in response, to him Peter's words had been cruel and he couldn't wrap his head around how he could say that about someone that he cared for.

Scott flopped down on the edge of your bed, bedside Jean and groaned. "He was being an ass." He spoke, head in hands out of frustration.

Warren still looked like he was out for blood and you wondered what he could've done to get under his skin so much.

"What's up, birdy?" You asked, patting the free space beside you on the bed. The blond stomped over to you and sat down beside you grumpily.

Looking at you in contemplation and then shaking his head, he huffed before speaking out angrily, "I just don't understand how one guy could be such a fucking dumbass." He turned to look at Scott and Kurt, "You guys should've let me beat him up." He stated matter of factly causing your eyes to widened and the other girls shared your shocked expression.

"What did he say that was so bad you wanted to punch him?" You asked, voice filled with worry.

Scott sighed and looked at you sympathetically, "We asked him why he screwed you over and he basically told us that you weren't his problem."

You didn't get a chance to react before Jubilee jumped to her feet, pure rage radiating from her small body.

"You absolutely should've let Warren punch him! Fuck it, I'll electrocute him myself!" She exclaimed, not really serious about taking matters into her own hands but seriously angry with the way the usually dorky boy had been behaving recently. 

"Calm down, Jubes." Jean told her calmly as they watched your eyes narrow before you looked around at all of them, a spiteful smile on your face.

"You know what? Fuck him. I'm done crying about him. I'm over it." You stated, as you watched them glance at you skeptically, all except Warren who was glad of your change in attitude.

"I say we go out, have a good time and make him wish I was his fucking problem." You laughed out, clearly not even bothering to digest the new information you'd been given.

"I say we show him exactly what he's missing." Warren chimed in nonchalantly, to which you nodded enthusiastically and the others couldn't lie and say they weren't happy you were finally deciding to let it go.

"That settles it. We're going to the mall." Jean declared, happiness lacing her voice.

You'd finally smiled for the first time in an age and it was because you finally realized you had more than just Peter. You had five of the most incredible friends who looked out for you and didn't just up and leave as soon as things got tough.

You figured it couldn't hurt to follow Warren's advice, if Peter wanted to leave you with absolutely no explanation then you'd highlight everything that would make him wish he'd stayed.

You loved him and he'd left you and replaced you and refused to give you any fathomable reason as to why. You weren't an idiot, you knew the whole "not his problem" thing was bullshit. 

He was winning at a game that you didn't want to play, but you supposed if you had to you'd play to win.

You'd tried to be mature, but he wouldn't budge, he'd pretend he couldn't hear you or pretend he didn't know what you were talking about. If he wasn't willing to work things out like a big boy then you'd match his immaturity.

As the weeks went on Peter began to see you more and more, only now you pretended he was a stranger to you and he knew he was being a hypocrite but he hated how it felt to be ignored by you.

What really got under his skin though was how cozy Warren was getting with you. Despite the fact Peter had been dating Heather for nearly two months now he was still hopelessly in love with you and watching you prance around with Warren Worthington III, the guy that almost re-positioned Peter's face, made him realize how much he'd seriously fucked up.

Heather was great, she was pretty and sweet but she wasn't you, and Peter was pretty sure she wouldn't stay with him for much longer. They'd both grown bored of each other.

As if he'd manifested it into existence, a few days later Heather ended things with Peter. Now that she was gone the boy had nobody else left as the majority of his friends were also your friends and there was always an awkward tension whenever he tried to talk to them.

He knew he only had one option. He had to go and talk to you. He had to fix things.

After Heather broke things off Peter went to find you, he didn't know what he was going to do or say but he knew the results probably wouldn't be favorable.

Peter found you in your room, he sped in and hadn't bothered knocking, he never did.

You were shocked at his sudden appearance, to say the least, he stood nervously in your doorway and you didn't bother moving from where you sat in the middle of your bed, pursing your lips and crossing your arms.

"What do you want?" You spit out, hostility lacing the question.

"Me and Heather broke up." Peter found himself saying, not really having anything else to offer you in the moment.

You raised an eyebrow at him, "What's that got to do with me?"

"I-" He started but paused. 

You looked at him expectantly and waited, eyebrow still cocked.

"I'm sorry." He finally sighed out and you laughed at how weightless the words felt.

"And what is it exactly that you’re sorry for? Abandoning our entire friendship or pretending that I didn't exist?" You inquired as you watched him swallow the lump in his throat.

"All of that." He replied meekly.

"Why'd you do it?" Peter swallowed yet again before clearing his throat awkwardly, he had to tell you the truth and he could see your composure cracking.

"I didn't want to lose you." Scrunching your face up at his answer, you got off your bed to stand in front of him.

"That doesn't make any sense. If you didn't want to lose me then why did you just leave me?" You told him, anger rising in your voice.

Peter let out a heavy sigh, moving to place a hand on your arm but freezing when you took a step back.

"I didn't want to risk ruining our friendship." He told you vaguely, looking at you pleadingly.

"Oh so what? You thought you'd do a pre-emptive strike and just ruin it on the spot?" You scoffed out, if his reason for ruining the friendship was not wanting to ruin the friendship you'd have serious questions. 

"That's not what I meant to do!" He defended helplessly.

"Then what the fuck did you mean to do, Peter?" You shouted, voice cracking as you felt your uncaring facade slipping away.

Peter closed the distance between you both and placed his hands on your arms, you didn't step away that time but you did stare at his hands in bewilderment.

"I love you." He told you, brown eyes staring into yours that had began tearing up.

Angrily, you shoved him away.

"Seriously? You fucking threw me away and replaced me because you love me?" Peter's eyes widened at your tone, you were livid and he hadn't realized how badly he'd affected you. 

"(Y/n) please! Just let me explain." He begged.

Taking a deep breath you shook his hands off of you and took another step back.

"Then explain." 

"We're best friends-" He began but you cut him off without mercy, "We were best friends."

Peter looked at you like a kicked puppy and it hurt but you couldn't let him see you crack, he fucked you up and now he has to deal with it.

"I love you, I didn't want to tell you because if you didn't feel the same it would have ruined everything! And I just thought that if I started dating someone else that those feelings would go away." He explained, talking fast and nerves running through his entire body as he watched you chuckle lowly to yourself.

"You didn't just start dating someone though, Peter. You completely disregarded me for three fucking months without any explanation." You told him, breaking into a fit of laughter as he struggled to find a defense for his actions.

He realized he was fucked when he noticed the tears streaming down your cheeks despite your laughter.

"Do you know what's really funny?" You asked, stepping closer to him as he shook his head.

Poking your finger at his chest you emphasized every word you said with a jab, "I loved you too."

You watched as his face fell and you no longer tried to save face, you allowed your bottom lip to quiver and your voice to crack as you regained the distance between you.

"I was hurting and scared too. But I would have never done to you what you did to me. That's not love, Pete." You told him weakly, voice breaking down.

Peter's brows furrowed and his mouth fell open, "Why didn't you say anything?" He regretted asking as he caught the glare you sent in his direction.

"Because as soon as I thought that maybe you could like me too you fucked off to be with Heather and started pretending I didn't exist!" Your voice was loud and aggressive.

How could he even ask that question?

Peter scoffed at you, "Seems like you were pretty happy with Worthington keeping you company."

Your eyes widened, "You're fucking kidding, right?" Peter only shrugged, an angry look on his face.

"That's why you came back isn't it? Because you're jealous of Warren?" Peter said nothing, only looked to the floor nervously.

Laughing again, you wiped the tears off your face aggressively, "God, here I was thinking that maybe you were actually sorry."

"I am sorry!" Peter exclaimed.

"Are you though? Because it seems like your girlfriend broke up with you and now you have no other options." You stated matter of factly.

Anger erupted in Peter, he didn't come here to fight with you but if you didn't want to have a level headed conversation then neither did he.

"I'm trying to make it right! I fucked up okay I get it but the way you're acting is immature." He shouted, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Immature?" You challenged, raising your eyebrows at him, stepping closer.

"Yeah, immature." He confirmed, standing his ground.

Again you let out a laugh, crossing your arms tightly across your chest, "No Peter, what's immature is leaving your best friend of three years and then pretending she doesn't exist like a fucking child all because you're scared." 

"Pft right. You moved on pretty quick anyways." He muttered causing your jaw to fall slack.

"Peter you literally stopped talking to me then started dating someone the next day!" You yelled out, your voice raising in pitch with the more worked up you became.

"That's different!" He shouted through gritted teeth.

"How?!" You demanded, your own teeth clenching at the conversation that was beginning to stress you out.

"Because I didn't replace you as a friend!" He reasoned, weakly.

"And what? I did?" You inquired, genuinely confused with what the fuck he was insinuating.

"Like I said. You seem pretty happy with Worthington." He spat out and you let out a humourless laugh.

"You know what, Peter? When you decided to start treating me like a ghost and making me feel like shit, Warren was there for me. Just like Jean, Jubilee, Scott and Kurt were there for me." You told him, tiring of the argument.

He'd fucked you over, flaunted his new relationship, now he's single and suddenly you're the bad guy for seeking comfort in one of your closest friends.

"Look Peter. I forgive you for whatever it is that you think you're apologizing for, but I'm not gonna forget about it. You really broke my trust and I won't apologise for getting closer to one of my friends just because you're jealous. You made your bed so lie in it." You told him, firmly, brushing past him and walking to your door before turning to look over your shoulder at him, "Go ahead and let yourself out."

And with that you left him alone in your room as you walked away, biting the inside of your cheek to keep from breaking down in the middle of the hallway.

#peter maximoff #peter parker x reader #evan peters #evan peters x reader #warren worthington iii #warren worthington x reader #x-men days of future past #x-men x reader #mcu x reader

[mcrmadness]

Oh look, an anxiety attack, hadn't had one in a while... yay

It's the health anxiety again. I random, small itchy spot just popped up to my wrist out of nowhere and now I cannot go to shower and I don't know if I dare to go to sleep even. It's almost 5:30am and I have a meeting tomorrow (today) after 1pm.

I'm still in the middle of a panic attack, I'm terrified of allergy despite not being allergic to anything. I get these skin things sometimes but usually never due to anything specific. In fact I suspect that it's just my skin being very sensitive and reacting easily to things like a hair or fur or even a corner of a piece of paper pressing against my skin for a little too long. Sometimes I get these on my neck when my necklace is touching my skin a certain way (e.g. when I'm trying to sleep and don't realize the pointy part is against my skin), sometimes I get these just from my clothes and I try to think it's probably a cat fur or my own hair that's just in a position that it is sticking against my skin.

It's just. Right now I am in the alert mode. All my body hair is sticking up and I can feel my blood circulating all around in my skin, ready to fight or flee. I'm just checking out every single sensation I get in case it's not just one spot but more would appear. My skin feels itchy from everywhere. I am so, so exhausted but I am too afraid to go to sleep until I calm down enough.

Some days, life with an anxiety disorder is so exhausting. It's moments like these that feel like a reality check. Feeling like I was doing just fine and having my anxiety under control, and then there is one second like this and I feel like I'm a fool for even thinking about my future because I have anxiety. One second like this can trigger a panic attack and depending on the time of the day (usually they happen at nights because everyone's asleep and I wouldn't want to bother e.g. my parents at 5am), it can just. Mess up with everything. Cause me to fuck up my sleeping schedule because I am too afraid to sleep, so then I sleep only like 2 hours or none at all, or if I have no plans, then I'll go to sleep when I have calmed down enough and it can be anything from 6am to 1pm.

Moments like these always reminds me of how I can't have a job. I mean, what is even worse than having these panic attacks? To not be able to sleep because you are too afraid to sleep no matter how exhausted you would be, and then still having to get up in time to go to work and be there, totally exhausted, as that will also create even more anxiety because of how overwhelming everything feels when you haven't slept enough. Anxiety attacks also drain so much energy that all you want to do afterwards is sleep. Skip any plans and just sleep and rest. It's another reason why I am afraid of having to start a "real job" one day because I don't know if I can manage that. I might be doing alright most of the time and then I have just one random physical sensation and my whole world falls apart because I think I'm dying and wanna know what caused that sensation but am too afraid to try again in case it's something dangerous.

Tomorrow the meeting is with the occupational therapist. For the past few meetings we have been talking about studying and working and browsing all kinds of schools and study opportunities and have been trying to figure out what would interest and also suit me. I also mentioned that I have been thinking about if there would be anything in Germany next year that I could do for like 2-3 months before the summer so I wouldn't have to wonder where to live during that 2-3 weeks between the concerts. Maybe this panic attack is partially of that too. I just feel so exhausted because the autumn and seasonal depression (seasonal affective disorder) is approaching, I would not be on the mood for any shit like that tomorrow but I know the time will run out soon and it'd be easier to do that now than in e.g. February. Plan stuff, I mean. I don't need to do anything yet, just go through options and plan things. But you know, I just would not have that energy now.

I've been having derealization and depersonalization moments lately too. Mainly because I have been wondering my future and every time I do that, I just am hit with the reality and start to dissociate. Because it's just... so difficult to understand how big the world is. How there are other countries outside of mine. How things are happening. My small die ärzte bubble at home is so safe. Everything outside that bubble is scary. I am afraid of mental breakdowns. What would I do if I was all alone in a new country and had a mental breakdown? I could not call my mom if I can go to their place at night. There would be a few thousands of kilometers too many between the places.

I have friends in Germany, but I still don't know what would I do or where would I go. Berlin has been a dream for over 10 years but I keep being told it's impossible to find a flat from there. I don't think any of my friends live in Berlin, either. Nor that close to Berlin. So I would be all alone in a city where I don't even have friends. And all my German friends live all around the country and I just... don't think there is any point in choosing a city just because a friend lives in the city. There is no point running after friends who also have other plans and goals. I very likely would just be left alone in their town, too, if I did that and they found a future from somewhere else and moved on.

It's just. I don't know. The loneliness is awful and one of the biggest reasons for why I have been thinking about Germany is that I might find more like-minded people from there, and of course to be closer to where everything dä is happening as I could even walk to a store and find and buy an album or maybe a poster, or just a magazine with interviews. Something that never happens in my city nor even country. Still I just always have this feeling like I would have doomed to be "forever alone" - me being aroace and not looking for any kind of (romantic) partnership doesn't help much either, just creates even bigger gap between me and those who are looking for a partner and eventually will find one. I dream that I would be less lonely in Germany and that it would be the solution to all of my problems, but at the same time I'm afraid that I would be as lonely there as I am here. I guess it's partially also my own fault because I never go anywhere, but in Finland I can't much because people are so introverted that every social interaction often happens when people are surrounded by alcohol and I don't drink alcohol. Already in junior high I felt that I had no social life because everyone else's social life was revolving around alcohol and I had no desire to take a part to any of that.

Well, at least I now feel a little better after venting. Not having that much anxiety anymore, but still being a bit confused as always. Feeling like wasting my time and being too old for anything. I need friends of my age but I still feel like I was 18 and see younger people and think they are friend material and then realize they're literally 10 years younger and we do think differently. I have seen it so many times, but I just constantly forget that people in their early 20s are still so young that we're basically from different worlds at this point.

I'll continue watching youtube videos. A little bit of escapism before I decide if I am brave enough to either shower or sleep. 5-6 hours until I have to wake up.

#mcrmadness' deep thoughts #anxiety #loneliness

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #445

“you’ve got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine”

Have you ever created a fake internet persona for yourself? No. Do you enjoy going to weddings or showers? What is it that you like or dislike about them? Not... really. They're triggering for me. And I don't use "trigger" lightly. They legitimately, deeply affect me. It's part of the reason I've lost a lot of interest in being a wedding photographer. Is there a person in your life whom you support by showing up for the sports games, concerts, or other performances? This question, uh... sucks. Because I'm that awful aunt that doesn't go to her nephew's t-ball games while everyone else does. It's the heat that does it, but still... it shouldn't. How many video games do you have? A lot. We have a big case of them. Why did you take the last pill you took? My heartburn is especially awful today. Has a girl ever stayed up with you all night? A guy? A girl, uhhh... maybe? Idk. A guy, yeah. Do you think guys look good with makeup? Hell yeah. How long would you wait to become sexually active with someone you’re dating? That would just depend on how quickly we deeply bond in a relationship. I wouldn't go that far before I knew I was in love with them, though, so it definitely wouldn't be quick. Do you enjoy a good debate or prefer keeping the peace? klasd;jkla;jfklwdj I HATE confrontation, so I strongly prefer to keep that peace. Debates rarely ever stay civil, anyway. Can you ever see yourself and your ex back together? One, easily. The other... I wish. But it won't ever happen because I fucked that relationship up way too much. Are you thinking about anything that’s upsetting right now? Yeah. My PTSD is being really bothersome. Would you ever want to ride in a canoe? Yeah, sounds fun and peaceful. So long as I'm not rowing, ha ha. When did you last see an attractive member of your preferred sex? Did you speak to them? Do you think you’ll see them again? Two days ago. Yeah, 'cuz he was my personal trainer. I don't plan on quitting the gym, so I'll probably see him around there now and again. Have you ever tasted baby food? How about pet food? Save for when I was a baby, obviously, no. I once tried a guinea pig yogurt treat, ha ha. How many times have you had your heart broken? Once romantically, twice overall. Actually, no, four. Quite a jump, I know, but Teddy and Jason's mom both dying was nothing short of heartbreaking. Think of the person you fell hardest for. How many people has he/she been in love with, besides you? One, before me. I don't know about since. Find 5 people on your Facebook friends list, whose names begin with K. Who are these people, and how did you meet them? Katherine: an online friend. We met on YouTube. Kim: she's my stepmom. I met her through my dad, obviously. Kelly: a high school friend. We met in art class. Katelynn: was Jason's old friend's former girlfriend. We met through said friend when we all hung out together. Kieley: she's the wife of who I call my "big bro," a close gaming friend. We met through Sam, the aforementioned friend. Sometimes do you wish you lived in a fantasy world? Yeah, who doesn't? What would you say if the ex who hurt you the most told you they hated you? "I don't blame you" or something to that effect. Have any of your friends dated an ex/previous crush of yours? I don't think it's accurate to call her my "friend," but Jason's first girlfriend and I are friends on Facebook. I'd love to get to know her better and actually be *real* friends. One word to describe the last person you kissed? Strong. Has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? You could say that. Does your hair have layers? No, not anymore. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom. Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? I don't know. Which Disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? Why? Probably Jasmine. I just think she's really pretty. If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? I'm terrified to this day to start new romantic relationships. I had so many panic attacks about losing Sara when we first started dating. If you were going to buy a present for the person you love/like, what would you generally choose? Absolutely something Frieza-related. If you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? Probably just "oh my god, thank you" and start crying lmao. Is there something you generally always ask for help with? I'm sure there's something, yeah. When was the last time you cried? Today. Do you like sausage? Yep. Ever held a newborn animal? Kittens, yes. Do you know anyone with a dual citizenship? Uhhhh maybe? Have you been called a bad influence? Yeah. Like she had ANY room to talk. Do you get stage fright? Yes. Would you be excited or annoyed if your favorite book was being made into a movie? Both of my favorite books are also movies, and they're wonderful. Do you need structure in your life or do you prefer to just go with the flow? I require structure, for sure. Without it, my anxiety goes rampant. Change is something I do not cope with well. Post a picture of you from one year ago. No. Have you ever written a fan letter? If so, who was it to and did you receive a response? No. What trait(s) would you not want your children to inherit from you? My mental illnesses, primarily depression. I have A LOT of reasons for not wanting kids, and my poor genetic makeup is even one of them. I don't want to pass on all the shit I deal with. What is the worst place you’ve woken up? Waking up in a shitty bed at the ER while waiting to be transferred was never one of my favorite things... Are you the type of person who has to study to make good grades or does it just come naturally to you? Aha... I was lucky in that once I heard something in school, it had a tendency to stick. I didn't need to study very much at all - usually. When on YouTube, what types of videos do you mainly watch? Mostly let's plays. What was the last conversation you had with someone about? Sara and I were kinda fangirling over how cute Maieykio and Rumours are, ha ha. Do you have any currency that’s not your native country’s? No. Can you describe your father in one word? Complex. Do you still watch movies intended for children? Yeah. Hell, I probably tend to prefer them. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? That's living, probably Gabriel Iglesias. What is your strangest phobia? Probably whale sharks. Which part of your state/province do you live in [upper,lower,middle]? I live on the eastern side. Who in your life can you count on the most? My mama. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? It depends on what I'm up for. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No, I'm not a fan. Last thing you drank? Pink lemonade. Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone? Sure did. The belief was clearly mutual. But I ruined that. Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down? Sara or my mom. Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn’t? See: Girt. Describe the last dream you had that you can remember. It was actually... really fucked up, so the squeamish beware. I don't remember the details, just the shocking part: a little bird flew into me, and I thought it was a bug, so I crushed it in my hand. Heard and felt the bones break and it was just... ugh. It's nauseating to recall. I'm sick and tired of dreaming of only awful things. Any current family issues? Not any big ones that include everyone. The only "issue" that really exists in my family is how my mom feels like Ashley (my older sister) avoids her, and therefore Mom doesn't see the kids nearly as much as she wants. She feels very overlooked. Whose room of the opposite sex were you in last? When? Uhhh, probably my nephew's? Sometime when I visited my sister's house, idk. The last movie you watched with a friend? Elf, I think. Have you ever played with fire? Uh no, because I'm not keen on being burned. What industry do you want to be a part of when you’re older? Art, in some form. Who do you usually text the most? Since Sara and I started chatting mainly on Discord, definitely my mom. Have you ever been surprised with breakfast in bed? No. Llamas or sheep? Sheep. Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? No. When do you plan on moving out? Whenever I'm in a long-term, stable, happy, and healthy relationship. I really don't at all think it would be healthy for me to live on my own. What’re you going to be for Halloween? I'd actually love to dress up this year seeing as I've really been feeling the holidays, but the money to like... make a recognizable costume isn't really with us. So I'll ust answer as if I had it, in which case it would be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale, but with fake blood splattered over my stomach region. Will you buy a cake for your next birthday? We always do for b-days. Do you like brownies? BITCH I love brownies. Have you ever dressed up as a witch on Halloween? Yeah, as a kiddo. Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Do any girls like the last guy you kissed? Maybe, I don't know. Do you have a second mom? I have a stepmom, if that's what you mean. When a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away? Ngl, I gtfo. Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex? I haven't hung out with Girt in around a year. Really need to change that. When you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? Fries. What is your winter coat like? ... I actually don't know if I have one? Did you do well at fitness testing in grade school? I did fine. Are art museums interesting or boring to you? Interesting. Inspiring, even. Do you know how to use an ATM? ... No. :x How about write a check? uhhhhhhhhhhh... Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge, no. We don't know my dad's heritage. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? I commented on one of my sister's Facebook posts earlier. Are you interested in photography at all? Very much so. Do you own an acoustic guitar? I don't believe so? Ashley had one when she was waaaay younger, but I haven't seen it in forever. I think Dad might have it. Can you talk to your parents about anything without them judging or bickering at you? Because you said "bickering," no. Mom knows how to pick fights on a lot of things... Who was the last person you took pictures with? My sister when she came to visit a few months ago. What is the wallpaper on your best friend's cell phone? I'd be willing to bet it's either her and Jem or Frieza. Do you melt butter to put on your popcorn? No. We get the movie theater butter kind. Do you consider flirting cheating? Sure do. Have you ever been on probation? No. What is normally on your Christmas list (if you celebrate it)? A tattoo and meerkat stuff. Do you like KoRn? They're one of my favorites! When you were little, did you pick up worms? Do you pick worms up now? Ha, I did. I would sometimes dig just to look for them, especially if I knew Dad was going to take me fishing later that day. I don't like touching worms nowadays. Would you ever go see a stand-up comedian? Yeah, I think it would be fun. Do you have any best friends that you only know online? BEST friends, not current ones, anyway. I've met my current best friend. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight? Nope. Do you have a problem with swearing? No. What do you do when you see a spider? My reactions vary. If it's a tiny little thing, I tend to ignore it. In most cases, admittedly, I get my mom to come kill it. :x I really, really want to get on a level where I can just cup the spider and take it outside. I want a few types of spiders one day (tarantulas, jumping, and velvet), after all, so I really should get used to interacting with them. I know in my gut they're nowhere near as dangerous and scary as your head makes them seem, but it's so instilled in you (most "you"s, anyway) from a young age to stay away from spiders, so it's fighting almost like instinct. Do you have big dreams? Meh... When is your father’s birthday? Sometime in April. The 16th, I think? Maybe. Are you interested in anime? Yeah. They can have some great stories. Do you eat three meals a day? Most days. Are you part German? German and Irish make up most of my heritage, yes. Do you dream of being a porn star? Uh, I can confidently say no. Have you ever been on a farm? I have. What is your favorite type of muffin? Blueberry, I think. I like the moisture it adds to the muffin. What is the last type of salad that you ate? Just your normal one with iceberg lettuce and ranch. What do you usually put on your waffles? A layer of peanut butter and then some syrup. You NEED to try it. Would you rather have a cottage on the beach or in a forest? A forest! Name all the people that you talked to today. Online, through texts and in person. Mom and Misty are all, I think. Do you know a schizophrenic person? My half-sister. Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? If so, who is your favorite? I did. I don't think I had a favorite character. Name the last 3 people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Sara: she's very loyal. Girt: he's funny as hell. Tyler: he, uh, cares a lot, I guess? When was the last time you felt EXTREMELY depressed? Why is that? Yesterday, actually. I was passively suicidal just over... a lot of things. Would you ever dye your hair pink? I want pastel pink hair anyway.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''true friends'' by bring me the horizon

[poppunk-nonsense]

American Idiot by Green Day: Album Review

(Not my gif)

Warning: I do swear in this occasionally

I’ve decided to begin my pop-punk album reviews with what I believe to be one of the most coveted in the genre: American Idiot. Yes, it’s cliché and yes it’s become pretty mainstream now which technically defies one of the most important values of the genre, keeping it underground. However, for me, and from what I have observed over the past few years, I think for a lot of other music lovers as well, Green Day was the first band I ever discovered on my own that was different from what my parents listened to or what was popular on the radio at the time. They were the band that started it all for me. After listening to this album for the first time, it was like I became addicted… so I listened to it again and again and again (and again). From Billie Joe Armstrong’s brilliant lyrics coupled with the catchy melodies, distorted guitars, and exceptional rhythm section (courtesy of Mike Dirnt and Tre Cool), Green Day has, in my opinion, some of the best rock songs ever written. This band has produced remarkable albums time and time again but American Idiot is their most popular and I think for good reason. Not only do all the songs deliver from a musical standpoint, but lyrically as well. The words are so beautifully written with equal parts grit, poetry, criticism, and love. The story of this concept album is gorgeously balanced between the struggles of young love and heartbreak and the onset of political unrest and a national rebellion in America during the early 2000s. All in all, it creates a wonderful aesthetic that any emo teen could bang their head to. I have a very personal connection to this band, and more specifically, this album. Green Day kick-started my love for the pop-punk genre as well as my exploration into many other types of music. They are the reason I started my own pop-punk band in high school and consequently became interested in audio engineering, production, and music business. Basically, I have Green Day to thank for my entire future in the music industry. For each song, I have shared my opinions on the music, lyrics, and my interpretation of how the song connects to the overall concept of the album. I also included a rating out of ten for each song. 

These are my personal, subjective opinions on the album and the concepts of the story. I am in no way negatively criticizing or judging it. If anyone has any other opinions on American Idiot, please message me! I would love to discuss music with anyone interested. Also, please send me recommendations for any other albums you think I should review. Next, I think I will do an All Time Low album but I am always open to suggestions. 

Also this ended up being super long, so sorry about that, I got very excited (and a little carried away) with sharing my thoughts on this fantastic album! 

So, without further ado, here is my first album review: Green Day’s American Idiot (2004).

Track 1: American Idiot

7.5/10

Right off the bat, the title track of the album kicks it off with a bang (literally). There are so many reasons why this song is such an amazing album opener. The fast-paced, heavy rhythm and the loud, layered guitars create a groove that makes you want to get up and dance. It’s an attention grabber which is why it makes perfect sense to put it as track number one and also as the radio hit. However, I think the lyrics are the real factor as to why this song sucks you in and makes you want to listen more. It’s an anthem for rebellion; a message to the societal outsiders who want to destroy the system and create lasting change in their community. American Idiot sets the revolutionary tone that the rest of the tracks carry on throughout the album’s story.  

Track 2: Jesus of Suburbia

9.5/10

This song is easily one of my favorites on the album. The music and lyrics are written so geniously and the transitions between each section are seamless and meaningful, as if they are scene changes within the plot of a film. In this song, we are introduced to the main protagonist in the concept album whose name matches the track name, Jesus of Suburbia. The whole song explores his struggles of living in a deadbeat town and wanting to get the fuck out, which is quite literally the epitome of punk rock. Each section of the song tackles certain themes such as mental health, poverty, boredom, love and hate, and of course, the strifes of living in suburbia. Armstrong’s word choices and rhyming schemes are very poetic and transparent. They embody “sex, drugs, and rock & roll” and express a “Fuck you!” kind of attitude to the world. In terms of musicality, this was probably a very difficult and tedious song to write as it is over nine minutes long and has multiple rhythm and key changes. Some of my favorite musical moments in the track are Tre Cool’s drum solos and the transition to the acoustic guitars in the “Dearly Beloved” section which is so unexpectedly beautiful to hear in the middle of a hard and heavy rock song. The ending of the track, both lyrically and musically, ties the entire song together so perfectly to create a remarkable, operatic finale. As the song ends, we follow the protagonist, Jesus of Suburbia, onto his next journey in the story as he finally leaves his hometown (like I’m sure a lot of us wanted to do as teenagers).

Track 3: Holiday

9/10

In my opinion, this track has some of the best melodies in the whole album. It is another great anthem song that inspires rebellion and action, continuing with this tone through the album. My favorite element of the track is Mike Dirnt’s bassline which creates a great groove and carries the whole vibe of the track. This song fires you up, mainly due to the fantastic call and response elements that carry on throughout the whole track and peak during the bridge. This is a great moment in the song with the fun drum breakdown and audience participation. It sparks a revolutionary attitude within the listeners and once again serves as a way to unify people under a common cause. Unfortunately, this song is still just as relevant in today’s political climate as it was in 2003 when the song was written. A fitting line that comes to mind is “I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies”.

Track 4: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

8.5/10

As Holiday transitions into the fourth song in the album, the listener gets the sense that not only the musical tone of the album is changing but so is the plot of the story. We seamlessly go from a very inspiring and angry sound in Holiday to a desperate and lost sound in Boulevard of Broken Dreams. The Jesus of Suburbia doesn’t know who he is and consequently feels lost and alone. Boulevard of Broken Dreams is widely viewed as an “emo anthem” due to the depressing lyrics and message. But I think the musical elements of the song speak just as loudly as the lyrics do in order to convey this. The entire song itself is set to a minor key which automatically brings the mood down. This mood is emphasized even more by the slow heavy feeling that the guitars and cymbals contribute to the overall vibe. The wah guitar sound during the verses creates the feeling of disorientation for the protagonist as he transitions into a new, unknown part of his life and the harmonies in the choruses convey a helpless, agonizing feeling. To top it all off, the ending instrumental part ties all these elements together to hone in on that desperation that is supposed to be felt throughout the whole song by emphasizing the screaming, soloed guitar, and the disorienting, washy guitars in the background.

Track 5: Are We the Waiting

7/10

This is a very transitional track of the album. There isn’t anything groundbreaking going on here. It lets you take a breath and stand still for a second in the story. The Jesus of Suburbia is still lost in the unknown world of a new city but now, he has accepted his loneliness. The desperation of Boulevard of Broken Dreams has shattered and been replaced by a dreamlike veil while the protagonist searches for something, he just doesn’t know what it is. The calming drones in the song represent the stillness of the environment the character has found himself in. The song conveys a loss of hope and that even though the Jesus of Suburbia has burned the bridges of his hometown and forgotten about the burdens of his past, he still has an unguided, foggy future.

Track 6: St. Jimmy

9/10

As we transition very abruptly from Are We the Waiting to St. Jimmy, that dreamlike veil of hopelessness is lifted and the Jesus of Suburbia has finally found the thing he was searching for: a new beginning. This is one of my favorite songs on the album due to two factors. The first of course is the fast-paced, truly “punky” sound of the song. The rigorous drums and aggressive guitars are so much fun to rock out to and they also contribute to the gritty, raw personality of the character the song is based on. The second factor is exactly that, the St. Jimmy persona itself. St. Jimmy could be interpreted in one of two ways. He could either be seen as a new part of the Jesus of Suburbia’s personality or in other words the person he becomes when he starts his new life in the city. Or he could be seen as a separate entity altogether; a character the protagonist meets within the story. Either way, the effect of St. Jimmy on the Jesus of Suburbia is the same. St. Jimmy represents everything the Jesus of Suburbia wants to become in order to completely wash away his past self. The total disregard for rules and conformity that St. Jimmy symbolizes corrupts the Jesus of Suburbia and changes him.

Track 7: Give Me Novocaine

8/10

The seventh track of the album, Give Me Novocaine, bears a lot of resemblance to Are We the Waiting, in my opinion, due to the purpose of the song as well as the message behind it. The Jesus of Suburbia once again feels lost because the person he has become under St. Jimmy’s influence isn’t someone he recognizes to be himself. Maybe the novocaine depicted in the song is supposed to represent the Jesus of Suburbia coping with drug addiction as a result of the corruption caused by St. Jimmy. The same desperation that is felt in Boulevard of Broken Dreams can be felt in this track as well. However, the tone and musicality of this song isn’t something we have encountered yet within the album. During the verses, the dueling acoustic rhythm guitars hard-panned left and right create a very sweet sounding groove that isn’t unlike a cliché love song. But when the chorus hits, the cry for help from the protagonist and the juxtaposition between the lyrics and the melody are much more obvious.

Track 8: She’s a Rebel

7/10

She’s a Rebel isn’t one of my favorite songs on the album because it’s nothing that we haven’t heard so far musically. However, it does introduce an important character into the story. Whatsername is the love interest of the Jesus of Suburbia. She is described as a rebellious, independent woman who will be a vital “vigilante” in the revolution. The essence of the character is rooted in the Manic Pixie Dream Girl archetype that many female love interests are depicted as in literature and film. Her sole function is to help develop the character arch of the protagonist a.k.a the man who falls in love with her. Ultimately these roles end up being slightly two-dimensional as the only true reason she is included in the story is to help get the protagonist from point A to point B without actually developing her character at all. Personally, I would love to hear about Whatsername’s journey, separated from the Jesus of Suburbia’s.

Track 9: Extraordinary Girl

6.5/10

This is my least favorite song on the album. I don’t really like the melodic or musical aspects of the song. Once again I feel like it isn’t anything we haven’t heard so far and it doesn’t strike me as being new. But the song is a vital plot point in the album because it develops the ups and downs of the love story between the Jesus of Suburbia and Whatsername. It is obvious that they are both very troubled human beings and they are dependent on each other to give themselves worth. However, having this type of relationship can be exhausting and emotionally taxing on both participants, and as denoted in the lyrics “it’s not worth trying” to continue with it, even if the two are truly in love. On the surface level, the lyrics seem very cliché and this was always one of the reasons I didn’t like this track as much as some of the others on the album. But after analyzing the lyrics a little more, it’s obvious that the song is much deeper than it is first made out to be.

Track 10: Letterbomb

10/10

If I was going to pick a favorite song from the album, it would be Letterbomb. When I was younger, I never appreciated this song and the poetry within its lyrics. However, over time I have realized how brilliant this track truly is in summarizing the whole story of the Jesus of Suburbia and representing the climax of his story. The whole song is basically the protagonist’s revelation of  how much of a shit show his life has become. He thought he was miserable living in the boredom of his hometown so he left for the big city. But the universe is one big cosmic joke and in this case, the punchline is that the amazing life he built up in his head was nothing like the reality and hardships of the drugs, corruption, and heartbreak he actually experienced. This is the embodiment of “the grass is always greener on the other side” type of outlook on life. Letterbomb perfectly sums up the pitfalls of romanticization. Inevitably, there will always be some disappointment when experiencing the reality of a life you thought you wanted in your head. The Jesus of Suburbia must deal with this disappointment head-on and because of it, he decides to abandon his newfound life in the city and subsequently his relationship with Whatsername. Ultimately, this whole story is about a young man trying to cope with the current political climate of the country while also dealing with personal issues that stem from his childhood, like the treatment he received from his parents growing up and their divorce. In order to cope with these hardships, he created the heroic Jesus of Suburbia persona for himself and built this whole new life around that character. By far one of my favorite lines in this entire album is “You’re not the Jesus of Suburbia, The St. Jimmy is a figment of your father’s rage and your mother’s love, Made me the idiot America”. This is such an amazing way to tie in all the aspects of the protagonist’s story and tear down this image in his head that he created his life around. He isn’t the Jesus of Suburbia, he’s just another American Idiot who thought he could escape the confines of the life he didn’t want.

Track 11: Homecoming

8/10

I can’t think of any other song that is more perfect to conclude the album than Homecoming. The grandiose ending of the song is almost theatrical as the Jesus of Suburbia decides to return home after his long journey on his own in the big city. Musically, the entire song leading up to the ending is so much fun for the listener, especially when Mike Dirnt and Tre Cool contribute their own singing abilities towards the end. The fact that the band wrote and recorded not one but two songs that both exceeded nine minutes and included multiple sections throughout the whole track is incredible. It is an even greater feat to succeed in making these songs fun and exciting to listen to for the entire duration of both of them. The lyric “This life like dream ain’t for me” perfectly sums up and reemphasizes the points that were developed in Letterbomb. The Jesus of Suburbia is done with the harsh reality of the dream life he created in his head and just wants to go home.

Track 12: Whatsername

9/10

Even though Homecoming concludes the actual story of the protagonist, Whatsername is the true ending to the album. All in all, the American Idiot concept album is very bittersweet. The protagonist discovers a lot about who he is and in the end, after making many mistakes, returns home and gains a new appreciation for his life. However, the story is also conceived with heartbreak and sadness, the relationship between the protagonist and Whatsername being the focal point of those themes and ultimately ending with an inconclusive, melancholy break. The song itself has a very catchy melody throughout. The first half of the track is very lowkey and calming. The slight reverb of the vocals and the haunting guitar riff creates a feeling of nostalgia and a wonderstruck sensation. It is as if the Jesus of Suburbia is reflecting on his relationship with Whatsername after years and years. In fact, the reason that Whatsername doesn’t have a name at all could be because the entire album is told by the protagonist looking back on his journey from many years in the future. Either way, this concept album is a beautiful one that creates a multilayered, musical story that I think many people can relate to in one way or another.

If you got to the end (I know it was super long), thank you so much for giving this a read! I hope you enjoyed it in some way. Once again, if you agree with me on certain points or you have different opinions, message me so we can have a fun chat!

#pop punk #music blog #music #music production #emo music #green day #billie joe armstrong #mike dirnt #tre cool #american idiot #music review #album review #concept album #whatsername #jesus of suburbia #st jimmy #rating #songs #punk rock #rock music #rock and roll

[stellar-alley]

Everfalls

•Chapter 10•

This is based off of the artwork by oceanteeeth on Instagram! Also shout out to my Beta super.rose.cosplays!

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

(Summary: Bill’s past catches up to him which could endanger Eddie’s future.)

~

Bill Denbrough had gotten over his father’s death. Yes it hurt, he cried, but what hurt even more was watching the rest of his family deal with the loss. Georgie was torn up and his mother sometimes wouldn’t even leave her room. But they were healing and Bill was better. Yes he has gotten over the death of his father, Zack Denbrough, but he has never been able to shake the feeling that there was always something else he was missing.

The police that found him in the woods said he had been dead on sight. The doctors said he had a heart attack. Which just seemed… off, to Bill.

Zack had left for the weekend for one of his various hunting trips. Most people go out in groups, pairs, when they hunt, not Zack. It’s something he’s done tens of times. Every other time he returned without a scratch. Especially the whole death by heart attack. No one in his family has ever suffered from any heart problems and his father was in great physical shape. So this sudden heart attack, caused Bill to believe that something else might’ve been the cause of his father’s untimely death, he may not know what, but he knows it’s something.

The case had gone cold, if that’s even the right term. Since there wasn't really a case to freeze. His father died of a normal heart attack, case closed. So all of his belongings were returned to the family as they were not needed for further investigation. Then, a couple weeks back when Bill was out on the Hanlon's farm with Mike, he lost his phone, never to be found again. Bill opted to inherit his father’s old Iphone 8. His mother was just about to throw it away so he decided to put it to good use.

There wasn't much info on it to erase and Zack mainly used the phone for calling and texting his wife and son (Georgie was too young to have a phone). But when Bill entered his father’s photo album, he was left speechless by what he saw. It wasn't much, no, it was merely a simple photo of a white rabbit. A white rabbit with impossibly blue eyes.

White rabbits were rare, Bill had never seen one before in real life and even then, when you asked someone, they always knew about white rabbits but not many (If any) have actually ever seen one with their own two eyes. That and the fact that the photo was taken the day his father died.

While Richie was explaining the math homework to Bill that night after school, his eyes began to wander. They scanned the Tozier’s yard, eventually falling upon a small white rabbit that sat just behind the corner of their house. It’s icy blue eyes pierced Bill's soul. Suddenly a pit was created in his stomach, it twisted his insides and made his heart beat out of his chest.

Richie tilted his head like a confused puppy, “You good, Big Bill?” he waved a hand in front of Bill’s face to get his attention.

Bill’s mind cleared as he realized where he was, and what he had just seen. “S-Sorry Rich, can you g-give me the sp-sparknotes version? I can’t stay too long, Gu-Georgie is home al-lone” Bill stuttered a little bit more than normal. His thoughts messed up after he saw the rabbit. But nonetheless he carefully listened as Richie quickly explained the rest of the question.

Once they were done, Bill gave his friend a quick goodbye before booking it in the same direction the rabbit went. Richie talked for another couple minutes after he first saw the creature, how far could it have gotten?

~

Bill sunk behind the bush and hid when Eddie turned to look around him. The human held his breath in hopes of not being found, but he worried that whatever that is won’t be able to hear his heartbeat as it was practically beating out of his chest.

Yes, he was still reeling over the fact that he just saw some small white rabbit turn into a full fledged human. Eddie, that human is fucking Eddie. He looked down at his phone that he had just taken the photos on. He made a mental note to check them later when he wasn’t about to be discovered.

What would he do if he found me? What is he capable of?

Bill’s mind was spinning. He wasn’t even sure how long he had been sitting there. It was the cold wind of the night that pulled him from his thoughts. When he stood up and looked around, Eddie was gone.

Heading home was hard, Bill was the best biker of all the Losers, yet tonight he nearly tipped over twice and had trouble getting going. He couldn’t shake the image of the white rabbit out of his head.

Bill always knew his father hadn't died of a heart attack. He knew it had something to do with that damned white rabbit, somehow. Now he finally has a lead. Eddie.

~

Going to school the next day Bill's foot wouldn't stop tapping. Not during breakfast when he saw Georgie drinking milk out of his dad's old favourite mug. Nor did it stop on his bike to school, and it certainly didn't stop during lunch when he was the first one at the table watching everyone fill in and waited for the rest of the losers to come, for Eddie to come.

“You okay Bill?” Mike nudged his side. Bill jumped a little at the sudden attention.

Bill shook his head, “Just n-nervous. I've got this b-big project for history” he formulated the lie with ease, after his father passed, Bill had become a little too skilled in the art of lying.

“Need a hand? I had History last semester and I got a pretty good grade if you need help” He offered Bill one of his iconic ‘Mike Hanlon Support Friend’ smiles.

Bill returned the smile, “T-Thanks Mikey, but I should be okay” he noticed Eddie and Richie had entered the cafeteria as he finished his sentence. His eyes found their way down to his lunch where he began to focus on his untouched sandwich.

He waited until the duo got comfortable at the table before he tilted his head up and greeted them. “Ho-How was your n-night?” Bill mentally cursed out his stutter for getting worse under pressure.

Richie inhaled as if he were about to give a speech, “Well Billiam after you left my house I went and jerked it for a-”

“Beep Beep Trashmouth” Stan hissed.

Bill couldn’t help but notice the way Eddie tried to hide his smile as he raised a hand to muffle his giggle. “What about you E-Eddie?” Bill asked with a small nod.

“Oh! My night was fine, just studied and watched TV” He responded with a shrug.

Bill nodded in understanding. The human waited until the conversation became dull before he spoke his mind, “H-Have you guys ever suh-seen a white rabbit around he-here?”. He had to bite his tongue to ensure he didn’t smirk when he saw Eddie visibly flinch under the table.

“It’s actually pretty interesting cause they’re the rarest type of rabbit” Ben informed them with a little pride in his voice.

Mike took a moment to think over his answer before he spoke, “I’ve never seen any near the farm. Well, I’ve seen lots of rabbits, but never white ones” he realized.

“Weird…” Beverly’s voice trailed off as she stared at her uncapped water bottle she held in her hand. She then shrugged, unphased by the realization and took a swig of her water.

Neither Richie nor Eddie contributed to the conversation, and Bill noticed. He also noticed the silence conversation the two shared with their glances and glares. Bill didn’t mention it though, he can’t give them reason to start wondering about him, not when he’s this close to finding out what really killed his father.

The final bell of the day rang throughout Derry High as Bill and Mike walked out of their final class together, Writer's Craft.

“Hey Mikey?” Bill asked.

Mike turned to look at him as he caught his attention, “Yeah Big Bill?”.

“Can I tu-talk to you?” Bill requested as he paused before the boys bathroom and gestured for him to follow.

Mike followed without further question, because that’s the type of friend he was. Always there for everyone.

It was the end of the day so the bathroom was empty. Mike spoke first, “Is everything all-”.

“I think I have a lead on my dad’s murderer” Bill cut him off, getting straight to the point. Not a stutter in sight.

Mike’s face instantly scrunched up, “W-What? Bill your dad had a heart attack”.

“W-we don’t know for sure-”

“Yes we do! Bill I know it was hard but how many times have you come to me saying that?” Mike stopped mid sentence. He let out a small sigh before continuing, his voice held a tinge of sadness as he knew how hard it’s been for Bill. “There’s literally no other way your father could have died. He didn’t have any physical trauma and there weren’t even any fingerprints, it was just his heart” Mike tried to keep a calm tone, but it was hard.

Bill shook his head, “L-Look” He said as he slid his phone from his back pocket and entered his camera roll where he intended on showing Mike the photos he took of Eddie during the previous night. But when he clicked on his most recent photos, all of the ones he took of Eddie were white, as if he had taken then with the flash and it had whitened them out.

“W-What? Mike, no- I swe-ear they were here” Bill’s breathing began to quicken as he rapidly scrolled through his phone. NO, No, no, no, no…

He was about to speak when Bill’s breath hitched. Mike enveloped him in a hug. Bill buried his face in Mike’s shoulder.

“I know, it’s hard… Really hard.” Mike whispered as he began to rub slow circles into Bill’s back, “I know…”.

~

The conversation he previously had with Mike was on replay while Bill slowly walked through Derry. He kept a close eye on his target. He ducked behind bushes and hid behind trees in hopes of going unseen like he had last time. He followed a solid 30 feet behind his target, always staying out of sight.

He followed him through town, passed all of his friends houses and all of the main buildings. The houses became bigger and more spread out. Bill looked down at his watch, he’d been on this trail for nearly an hour.

Where are you going Eddie?

Bill glanced from behind a tree and watched as Eddie entered the forest. The human watched for a couple minutes before he continued behind him. Bill followed him into the deep woods and down an old overgrown path. He could see the end of the path ahead, so he sat behind a cluster of rocks, casually peaking out every now and then, only moving once Eddie left the forest. He made his way quickly to the end and hid behind a tall evergreen tree. He watched as Eddie walked out into the middle of an empty field and just simply disappeared.

“What the…” Bill’s eyes grew wide as he got to his feet. He waited and watched, slowly walking backwards.

Where did he go? What the hell just happened?

He kept moving backwards, his mind was so overwhelmed that he didn’t even notice the rock under his foot. He only noticed it once it caused him to trip and fall backwards. He landed on his back with his hands trying to soften the blow.

Fuck this

Were Bill’s last thoughts before he scrambled to his feet and fled.

Word Count: 1994

Billiam's villian backstory finally plays out MUHAHAHAHAHAH I hope you guys enjoyed! ANd that everyone is excited to see what comes next! Cause stuff is finally starting to happen and I'm so excited for y'all to see it!

Until then I'll see you next friday, So Long and GOodnight.

~

[Taglist]

@richietoaster @s-onora @that-weird-girl-blog @beproudtozier @ghostnebula @bellarosewrites @s-s-georgie @lermanslogan @iamcupcakefrosting @madidraw @gazebobullshit @thoughtfullyyoungduck @aangzukos @ambitiousskychild @reddieonwheels @breadheadscorpius

Let me know if you wanna be added to the tag list!

#it!everfalls #Reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #bill denbrough #bill hader #beverly marsh #ben hanscom #stanley uris #stan uris #mike hanlon #stenbrough #bike #hanbrough #it chapter 2 #it 2017 #it 2019 #it chapter 1 #it #it chapter one #it chapter two #incorrect losers club quotes #incorrect losers quotes #the losers club #losers club #fanfic #fan fic #fanfiction

[crossdressingdeath]

I think you're totally right and opened my eyes about stans treating JC leading the Wens away from WWX as his only in chara action and building their understanding of him from that when it was pretty much the exception compared to JC usual self-centredness and disregard of what happens to others, even to people close to him, as he barely hesitated before leaving WWX to his doom alone with a gravely injured man in the Xuanwu cave but still wanted plaudits from JFM for going back to get help(1/8

but like, walking really fast (another strike against the idea that JFM exceedingly favored WWX over JC). He did that one good thing, he wanted to try being a hero like WWX but realized the terrible price to pay for it, a price WWX was ready to pay each time, realized that there are things worse than death (losing his GC) and it broke him, so he's now seething when WWX takes the courageous "single plank in the dark" choice again and again, involuntary underlining in JC head how JC tried(2/8

doing it and couldn't bear it, coming 2nd here too. This sacrifice was OOC for JC and it's the whole point!That his jealousy and absence of trust in the goodness of WWX character weakened their bond and allowed for WWX fall, that his anger and inability to let go condemned him to push away people who cared for him just as YZY did and to WWX cutting all ties, that's the point too! But no, fandom goes, JC is so so full of love, sometimes he says bad things but he can't help it the poor dear(3/8

he just needs proof that he always comes first for WWX (by letting the Wens die, I suppose, I never understood that line of reasoning tbh, too much mental gymnastics and I'm bad at sports) meanwhile the author goes and here is JC with the title Sandu Shengshou, the master of the Three Buddhist Deadly Sins of delusion, anger and greed lol Even the whole JC tirade in Guanyin is not all about the consent the fandom always harps about or regret about not taking different decisions had he known (4/8

about WWX sacrifice because he has zero regrets and I'm sure he would do everything he has done since the fall of LP the same way again, but only about WWX besting him with his courage (the hero complex part), cutting JC usual avenue of blaming all things wrong with his life on WWX (the not taking responsibility by way of the reveal part) and also removing credit from JC achievements as the GC was WWX's. Which wasn't even WWX's reasoning, he never blamed JC once in his life for anything! (5/8

WWX explains that he has hidden the truth as a further sacrifice so JC can enjoy his new golden core with peace of mind and not think that WWX bested him again or that he owes WWX (such an abusive dynamic). I also never got the puzzlement in the fandom about why in that scene JC never mentions leading the Wens away to WWX? Outside of the fact that hopefully he's growing up and learning to let go, it's mainly pride because talking about it will again paint him in a lesser light compared to(6/8

WWX who looked at him and said that of course, I'll gladly give my core to you while JC couldn't find enough meaning and love for WWX for his involuntary GC core sacrifice to be worth it. Like the single thing that set me against any reconciliation is not even the cliff scene, but exactly that moment when JC learns about the GC and proceeds not to care about all the things in addition to the GC WWX risked and lost to give him that gift and just rants about how that made him feel. It's not(7/8

even the verbal abuse, but this single moment of total absence of empathy that made me think with 100% certitude that whatever their shared past is, WWX will be better without JC in his life. My whole issue is not even with WWX sacrificing things which can be a part of love (though giving his GC is definitely born of abuse), but giving and giving in a relationship and never getting anything back, be it support or understanding, unlike the relationship WWX has now with LWJ or even WN(8/8 

I actually got the entire thing for once! It’s a miracle!

My theory for the whole thing where JC leads the Wens away from WWX and then never risks anything for him again is that... Well, JC does occasionally speak up for WWX when YZY is screaming at him, doesn’t he? And the worst he gets from that is a few harsh words. And he chases dogs away! At zero risk to himself, because the dogs aren’t dangerous, WWX just has severe cynophobia. JC is used to being able to “defend” WWX without any consequences. He’s used to being able to get WWX’s praise and gratitude and put him in JC’s debt without any actual risk to himself. Then he leads the Wens away from WWX and learns that... actually, defending WWX can have serious consequences. It could cost him everything. And he decides that WWX isn’t worth that. Now, to give him a little credit, it is possible he didn’t want to lose this last remaining member of his family... but the point still stands that once he learned that standing up for WWX could have serious consequences, he never did it again.

And yeah, he was really quick to leave WWX in the Xuanwu’s cave; maybe he told himself that he was going to get help (which he did, to be fair, even if it was almost too late), but he did cut and run almost the second WWX suggested it. Just like later, when he kicks WWX out of the Jiang sect and stabs him when WWX suggests separating him from the sect, without really arguing against it. If I had to guess, I’d say JC likes having the excuse of “Well, it’s all WWX’s fault really because it was his idea, never mind that I didn’t have to go along with it and could’ve argued or straight up refused!”

Also, I’m pretty sure JC didn’t mean to sacrifice anything for WWX when he led the Wens off. Remember that thing I said the other day about how a sect heir with an exaggerated view of his own abilities is a dead sect heir? Yeah. JC was raised by YZY to believe that he was WWX’s equal and JFM was being super unfair by heaping praise on WWX and ignoring his totally equally skilled son. I’m pretty sure he thought he was skilled enough to take care of the Wens and then come back, and given the way he completely shut down the risk of losing his golden core to WZL (who he knew was in the area!) didn’t even occur to him. And then when it came to it... he just wasn’t good enough. His cultivation and martial ability weren’t enough to beat the Wens; he might have been better off alerting WWX to the danger and giving them both a chance to run, or fight together. It wasn’t some huge sacrifice for WWX’s sake, it was a vast overestimation of his skills that led to him taking on a fight he couldn’t win instead of cutting his losses and just running with WWX. Remember also, JC wanted to go back and fight the Wens to the point that WWX’s assumption all the way through the story was that JC left him to go back to Lotus Pier. Who’s to say his “sacrifice” wasn’t just him seeing an excuse he could give himself that would allow him to fight Wens?

And... you know, I always forget that the reason WWX didn’t tell JC about the golden core transfer was so that JC wouldn’t be all upset about WWX showing him up. It was about not upsetting JC, but not because JC would feel awful about costing WWX so much. WWX, who tries so hard to see only the good in JC, thought that JC’s primary concern on learning that WWX had sacrificed his cultivation for him would be that WWX was better than him. How fucked up is that, that WWX felt he had to hide such a huge thing from his own family for years, not even just saying “Oh yeah, WZL destroyed my golden core when he captured me” or otherwise giving an explanation for why he can’t cultivate anymore, because JC would throw a tantrum about being second best if he knew? WWX had to suffer through everyone, including his family, calling him rude and arrogant for refusing to cultivate properly or carry a sword because if he told even part of the truth his brother would whine about being shown up. He couldn’t even admit to losing his golden core, because when JC lost his he shut down completely, whereas WWX invented an entirely new form of cultivation so he could keep being useful.

And I never actually considered that aspect of JC not mentioning him leading the Wens off and getting captured; if he says that now, he’ll once again be second best because he couldn’t deal with the consequences of that risk, while WWX knew full well what he was getting himself into. I’m still not sure why he didn’t say anything before, though. JC, passing up such a golden opportunity to guilt WWX into staying by his side? Strange and OOC. Maybe he decided the fall of Lotus Pier was enough, or that it wouldn’t have enough impact since WWX gave up his “chance to get something from BSSR” by allowing JC to take his place. Who knows.

JC’s reaction to learning about the sacrifice is... very much not the reaction of a man learning his beloved older brother gave up something that huge for his sake. It’s all about him, how it makes him feel, how he can’t be the best now because he was using WWX’s infinitely more powerful golden core... He does not care that WWX gave up everything for his sake. He doesn’t care that it left WWX all but defenceless in a war because JC’s happiness was more important than his own safety, or that it led to WWX being thrown into the Burial Mounds, or that he was forced to turn to creating demonic cultivation in order to survive. It doesn’t matter to JC that he spent years unknowingly pouring salt in the wound by constantly getting on WWX’s case for not carrying his sword, not training the disciples, not cultivating properly. No, it’s all about JC and how it makes him feel that there’s now no way for him to surpass the brother he never would’ve been able to surpass anyway. It’s just so incredibly selfish and self-centred, and I do not understand people who say JC’s reaction to the transfer speaks to some failing on WWX’s part. JC is angry at WWX for giving too much, but not because he didn’t ask; it’s only because JC will now spend the rest of his life in second place.

#grapehate #i mean jc would've spent the rest of his life in second place regardless #he's no match for wwx #asks #anon

[sagebodisattva]

Another Nail in Your Coffin

“C’mon Sage. Bring on the knowledge! More Sage! Make another video!”

Sure. But I really don’t know why you’d want me to keep on going on, talking at length, as it’s only going to cause the walls to close in around you; because the more and more I scrutinize you, and the more and more I analyze and dissect the current situation, the more and more disappointed and disgusted I become, hence, the more and more arduous the inevitable judgement and consequences that will follow. Thus, every word I speak, acts as another nail in the coffin. What, you thought I was finished? Ha. No, my friend. I’m just getting started.

I know that many of you have longed for more metaphysics, and wish that I would resume making more videos concerning those types of aspects, but, one thing you have to come to realize, is that there’s been a dramatic change of season. Most of the content on the channel thus far has mainly been concerned with the metaphysical, and that’s due to the particular phase I was in at the time. It was a period of exploration, profound thought, and shared deep wisdom. Those were the main areas of concern of that era; but recently, however, there’s been a major shift of course, and, subsequently, the area of emphasis has also shifted. And so now, I have moved into a phase primarily concerned with productive destruction. Yes, productive destruction, not nihilism. Whereas nihilism might be construed as illustrating the rationalizations of a sociopath for his abhorrent criminal behaviors; productive destruction, on the other hand, is only concerned with destroying the evil crafts of deception, wherein the motive is always selfless service and magnanimous sacrifice. This is a period where the main area of concern will be deconstructing falsehoods, and tearing down corrupt foundations.

And it’s not that I want it to be this way. I don’t. I’d much rather be speaking on the higher points, and delving deeply into arcane knowledge; but, unfortunately, the current circumstances have dictated otherwise. Instead, I have to set to work, hunting down deceptive ideologies, proceeding to systematically break them down; and, ultimately, stalk and kill them. Rigorous acts of menticide, whereby any and all delusions are susceptible to decapitation on the chopping block. We have to isolate and trap the malignant sociopaths, and strip them down to their raw bones, then rack and shatter those bones down into thousands of tiny little pieces. We have to destroy them, utterly. Yeah, and it’s no big deal at all if a scumbag ends up perishing by the hand of his own stupidity. It’s a completely acceptable loss. It’s effort well worth any blood stained hands; and when it comes to washing away human stains, there is no higher calling.

And this is where some of you may get the idea to raise your voice to speak, and assert an opinion, but I say, while you are free to speak, what you say is totally inconsequential and irrelevant; as, you don’t get to decide anything, and no matter what your theory is, it’s the wrong theory. It’s not about a choice between various options in a world, no. External events don’t happen “out there” somewhere. Decisions are not being made by “others”, sorry. I know you have your little oral fixation thing, but no, sorry; and this is exactly why you are in a position where you need to be informed. The only problem is, your informers are complete liars. So get it straight: everything that happens around here is being imagined into being, and nothing else. So, overall, you really don’t know jack-shit. And since you don’t know, then ASK; instead of always being a nasty little opinionated needle-nosed twit. Shut your fucking mouth up right now, or get a viral payload dropped directly on your bird brained head. Yeah, the coronavirus! This guy thinks it’s from a bat cave, and that guy thinks it’s a leak from a viral lab, but, fuck you both, it’s original source is from nowhere, and it will go and shed wherever the hell it needs to. And right now, your overinflated pretentious head is looking like the best destination.

I mean, the arrogance and disrespect of it all, has gotten completely out of control, and I’m sick and tired of it. Sick and tired of it to the extent that, a lot of you motherfuckers are gonna have to die. Plain and simple. We’ve got no more use for you. You are nothing but a detriment. How dare you speak and act the way you do. Who the fuck’s mind do you think this is anyhow? Yeah, I know. You think you occupy physical space, so it’s no wonder you believe you have some inherent right to position and property. Well, I hate to break it to you jack-off, but you ain’t got an inherent right to jack-shit. You are occupying my mind-space, and as such, at best, you are only a guest here; but I don’t seem to remember you paying any homage, or asking permission to construct your bullshit in my mind.

And I know some of you may say:

“Hey, wait a minute Sage. Slow down. Why is it “your” mind-space? Isn’t this OUR mind-space? How can you lay claim to this? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to describe it as “our mind-space?”

No. Sorry, it’s my mind-space, and no one else’s. And that’s because I decided to take on responsibility for it, when no one else wanted it. The mind-space was essentially an unmanned wheel of a ship, with no captain, aimlessly adrift at sea. So I decided to take on responsibility for the mind-space, and therefore, maintenance of the interior of the mind-space has become my job. So that’s why I have become the main guardian and caretaker of the mind-space, and you, did not. You had your chance to let go of everything, enlighten your mind, and take on responsibility, but you chose to squander that opportunity, and decided to become a lazy ignorant jackass instead. Rather then pursuing the truth, you chose to argue against enlightenment, and continually advocated for staying powerless and ignorant in delusion. Instead, you chose masturbation with a blindfold. Instead, you insisted on constantly giving attributional blowjobs to gods or the universe. So no, it’s too late. No one was interested in uncovering the truth before, so why are you suddenly worried about it now? The only thing you all ever aspired to become, was desire whores and value junkies, trapped in a delusional state of mental slavery; and thus, that’s exactly what you got. So embrace it, and become one with it. You wholly deserve it, and threw away your chance of illumination for it. So now, go ahead and choke on it. Just like I knew you would. Just like a good little jack-ass should.

So, no. You were not yet ready to rise to the occasion. You had your chance, but you hung up your gloves, and threw in the towel. I, on the other hand, was up for the task. I rose to the occasion. I made consistent efforts, uncovered the truth, liberated the mind, and assumed full responsibility for reality. And this is exactly why this whole realm is now considered mine. It is reality that is under my direct purview. This is my mind-space, and you are but a mere guest. An unruly visitor, who is quickly testing the extent of my good graces, and trying the limits of my extreme patience. It’s time for you to get disciplined. And I don’t care about any talk of rights and freedoms. Your rights and freedoms are overrated. You don’t deserve those rights and freedoms, because you are much too immature, greedy and reckless to be trusted with such great responsibilities. So it’s time to take them away from you. And that’s gonna be one of the major ways you will be punished from now on. Things are gonna start being taken away from you at an alarming rate. I know you think you are entitled to them, but I think it’s time for you to lose them. Therefor, things will be taken away. Oh, you are gonna learn, dammit. You are gonna learn big time. You are going to behave.

And speaking of your ongoing disgusting malignant behaviors, from now on, the speed of reaping what you sow, is gonna be swift and heavy. Especially swift. In the past, these things took time. You could always cause delays or create distractions. But no more. Instant immediate justice is now the way of the new current era. And speed is, indeed, of the essence. Such extreme speed that, you will already experience the major impact of your misdeed, by the time you go to bed at night, on the very same day of your imposition. Everything you’ve taken so long to painstakingly build, can disappear faster then gasoline soaked paper in fire.

So remain heedless to your own peril. And yes, you should detect a sense of ominous foreboding in the air; because, at this point, circumstances are not working towards your well being. Yeah, “things” are being orchestrated against you; and there’s so many different ways this can ultimately reach you. Not only through such avenues as a virus, but also through your surroundings, animals and other people. Circumstance itself. And you’d really be amazed about how much can be accomplished with just the simple movements of elements, such as fire, water, rock and air. Oh, there’s just no limits to the many many ways it can get to you.

So this is a fight you can’t win, so go ahead and do your worse. Go ahead and lock and load. Arm yourself to the teeth, hunker down and make your last stand. At the very least, we can starve you out. But, always remember: there are hundreds of thousands lined up, all just waiting to sacrifice themselves for the good cause; and they’ve got absolutely nothing to lose. And that’s exactly how you wanted it. And so now it will, ironically, seal your own fate. After all, YOU are the one always going on about how you have so much to preserve and defend, hence, it’s you who has everything to lose, which, of course, means you are at a serious disadvantage; fighting a lost cause upon a sinking ship. Sometimes, to achieve a moral standard, a price must be paid in blood; and the blood supply of your precious special few is seemingly quite limited, whereas the pool of blood of our righteous warriors is as vast and deep as the ocean itself.

So hey, you know what, it’s no big deal. No one has to do the right thing. No problem. There’s absolutely no pressure. But, just so you know, things are gonna get real tough. I know you can’t help yourself. I know that it’s incredibly hard not to be a toxic selfish arrogant entitled prick. So, know upfront, things are gonna get real tough. And please, by all means, continue to abuse freedoms. Continue to impose your liberty upon others in order to enrich yourself. Just as long as you fully understand, that things are gonna get real tough. And I mean real tough; wherein accomplishing the simplest little tasks in life, will now become monumental enormities.

But you LIKE the simplest little tasks in life becoming monumental enormities. No no, you LIKE the simplest little tasks in life becoming monumental enormities. You LIKE that. And now, you are gonna get a real good taste of it, real hard.

[vexedtonightmares]

last dance (elu ballet au) chapter quinze

Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and he’ll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.

aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going.  

i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi. vii. viii. ix. x. xi. xii. xiii. xiv. xv.

ao3

**tw: brief mentions of eating disorder, ocd, ptsd, anxiety, references to past sexual abuse, brief allusion to past suicidal ideation**

Samedi 11:24

“You’re cute.”

Lucas scrunched his nose up, shaking his head from where he was laying in bed, facing Eliott. When Eliott lifted his head to readjust the way he was lying down Lucas saw pillow creases on the side of his cheek, and it was adorable. 

“You are. You’re so cute,” Eliott repeated, tapping Lucas on the nose. In all honesty, Lucas knew he was cute, objectively, but he’d keep refusing if it meant Eliott kept telling him so. 

He grabbed one of Eliott’s hands and stretched their joined palms up to the ceiling before flopping them back down between the two of them, tracing small circles on the palm of Eliott’s hand. “I’m not,” he lied.

“You are.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well, you should.”

“Hmmm…”

“Hmmm…” Eliott mimicked, screwing his face up in a way Lucas figured was supposed to match what Lucas had done prior. 

Lucas laughed, ducking his head down. “Stop. Now you’re cute.”

“I wasn’t before?” Eliott gasped in faux offense. Lucas merely raised one eyebrow, looking away pointedly. Eliott gasped again, this time in indignation. “Rude!”

Before Lucas could do or say anything else, Eliott unwrapped his hand from Lucas’ and used it to pull him closer. It was nice until Eliott started to tickle him. Lucas cursed his past self for admitting how ticklish he was, because now Eliott could use that to his advantage. 

“Eli! Eli! Stop ah—” Lucas laughed, breaths coming in short gasps as he tried and failed to squirm away. The light in Eliott’s eyes was almost blinding it burned so bright. Lucas knew it was a foolish wish, but he wished it could stay like that forever. Anytime Eliott had a smile on his face, Lucas felt like all was right in the world.

Eliott stopped tickling him abruptly and it was only then that Lucas realized they’d rolled so Eliott was hovering over him, pillow creases still apparent on his face and the sun streaming through the window framing him in a golden halo. Lucas’ heart stopped briefly when he realized that this was possibly the most beautiful Eliott had ever looked. 

He lifted a hand and placed it on Eliott’s chest, fingers tracing idly over the ink tattooed there. “I’ve never asked, when did you get this?”

Eliott looked down at his own chest, as if he’d forgotten there was anything there. He paused before speaking. “Over the summer,” he said at last. 

“Why?” Lucas asked, curious. He’d never really taken Eliott for a tattoo person, but he had to admit it did turn him on a little bit. 

Eliott dropped his eyes, biting his lip nervously. “Um, I’d just gotten out of a really bad depression. An episode, I guess, is what it was. It was one I didn’t think I’d get out of…” he trailed off, and Lucas understood what he was saying without saying. The pain that exploded from his heart was unmatched, but he said nothing, waiting for Eliott to continue. 

“But I did get out of it, mainly thanks to Idriss and Sofiane, and I got this as a reminder that life was worth it, I guess,” he finished, shrugging to the best of his ability, given his position propped up over Lucas. 

“I think it’s beautiful,” Lucas said earnestly, “I think you’re beautiful.”

He was, he was so beautiful. And instead of denying it, Eliott simply closed the space between them, pressing a gentle but deeply intentioned kiss to Lucas’ lips. It wasn’t like they hadn’t kissed in a long time or anything, but the kiss sent every ounce of dopamine in Lucas’ brain rushing into his body.

“I’m so in love with you, you have no idea,” Lucas said breathlessly as they broke apart, running his fingers through Eliott’s hair. He felt such a love for Eliott that he couldn’t even put it into words. “You’ve ruined me, you know. You’ve made all my expectations for love way too high. You can never leave me, I don’t know how I’d manage.” 

He said it like he was joking, but it was the truth. He’d found so much in Eliott that he didn’t even know existed, so much of himself and so much of the world. It was unthinkable that he’d ever lose it, but there was always that fear. 

“I could never,” Eliott said seriously, brushing their noses together, “The person I am when I’m not with you is someone I never want to be again. I told you once but I’ll continue to tell you a million times: you’re it for me Lucas Lallemant. In this universe and in all the others you’ve dreamed up in your mind. They haven’t created a word big enough to express how much I love you.”

Lucas stroked down Eliott’s cheekbone, willing himself to not go all in so fast. Somehow the words Eliott had spoken were real, and Lucas could tell how much he meant them. It seemed crazy that he could be so happy when just a few days ago his world had tipped entirely on its axis, but somehow, he could be. And he wasn’t going to waste a moment of that happiness. 

It was unclear which one of them dove back in for a kiss, or maybe they met halfway, but the only important thing was that they were kissing again. They were kissing, they were kissing, and Lucas was floating, was floating, and the light making its way through the window was working its way into Lucas’ heart and soul, heart and soul.

Lucas gripped Eliott tighter by the back of his neck, and Eliott pressed down further, connecting their bodies deeper and closer. Each kiss was like a song, one Lucas didn’t know the lyrics to yet, but he knew it would be one of his favorites once he did. 

“Hey, Luc— WHAT THE FUCK—”

Eliott and Lucas broke apart in the blink of an eye, Lucas shoving Eliott off of him and almost off the bed so fast neither of them were really able to register it. Lucas blinked at the door, doing his best to look innocent, and probably doing a terrible job. 

Yann stood in the doorway, mouth agape, eyebrows creased like he was trying to solve some sort of math equation that just didn’t add up. Lucas had sworn they’d locked the door to their suite… but no, he remembered, Eliott had gone out early in the morning to get them croissants from the bakery down the street to celebrate not getting kicked out. He probably hadn’t thought to lock the door when he got back, and Lucas had no reason to lock the door to his bedroom, or even close it for that matter. 

“I can explain,” Lucas said, filling the tense, silent space in the air. 

“You’d better,” Yann agreed incredulously, finally looking Lucas in the eye. 

Eliott looked a bit like he was trying to shrink himself in size or hide under the covers, maybe both, and it was so cute it took all of Lucas’ restraint to not reach over and kiss him. 

“Sooo…” he began, “I’m dating Eliott.”

Yann looked at him like yeah, no shit, which, fair. “How long has this been a thing?”

“Um… since that one party,” Lucas responded vaguely, not exactly wanting to reveal how long it had actually been. Unluckily for him, Yann knew exactly when he was talking about, given that it was the last party all of them had been at together.

“The one Alexia invited us to.” It wasn’t a question, but Lucas nodded anyway. Yann closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose between his eyes with his thumb and index finger. “What the fuck,” he repeated, which was appropriate. 

“We just wanted to keep it a secret until the show was over, we didn’t want to cause any drama,” Lucas explained. He didn’t want Yann to feel bad or feel like Lucas thought he couldn’t trust him. He hadn’t even told Manon. Yes, Imane knew, but that was mostly because she happened to be there when he was having a mental breakdown.

Yann opened his eyes, dropping his hand. “Yet you did anyway,” he said with a frown. 

That was also, unfortunately, true. When he really thought about it, it was a wonder no one else had put the pieces together, given what he and Eliott had both gone through over the past couple of weeks. Lucas shrugged, looking down to realize that from Yann’s perspective it probably looked like he was naked. He cringed slightly to himself, then looked over at Eliott. 

“Can you, um, give us a minute?” Lucas asked softly, urgency in his eyes. Eliott thankfully understood right away and he nodded, plucking one of Lucas’ hoodies from the floor and throwing it on, even though it was a bit small. Thank god he was already wearing sweatpants. 

The terse silence stayed latent in the air as Eliott, head down, skirted his way around Yann and closed the door behind him. Lucas almost laughed to himself as he heard Eliott’s footsteps break into a soft jog when he left the room. 

“Can you—” Lucas began to ask, and Yann caught his drift, grabbing another discarded hoodie and tossing it to where Lucas was still partially hidden under the covers. He just had his boxers on, and he definitely did not need Yann to know that. 

Yann sat on the edge of the bed, weariness in his eyes. “He’s not… making you do anything, right?”

“Oh, god, Yann, no! Of course not!” Lucas exclaimed immediately, not even knowing why Yann’s mind went there in the first place. 

Yann raised his hands in surrender, widening his eyes. “I just had to make sure dude, I don’t know! You’re the one who’s been talking about how Eliott is the spawn of satan for like five years!”

“I don’t think I ever called him the spawn of satan,” Lucas argued back, which was probably the most unnecessary addition to the conversation. 

“You know what I mean.” Lucas did know what he meant. It just made him feel so guilty to think about these days, even when Eliott had reassured him time and time again that there was no hard feelings. They’d both gone through a lot over the years they’d been apart emotionally, and they couldn’t blame each other for the things that had been said and done when it mostly just led to blaming themselves. 

“We’ve… worked through it,” Lucas explained, figuring that was the best way to put it. 

“All of it?” Yann asked, and Lucas nodded. He knew why Yann was so concerned, and he really did appreciate it. Not many people cared for him like that. 

He couldn’t really look at Yann at the moment, so he laid back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. “He makes me feel so whole, Yann. I didn’t know I could ever feel like this.”

Yann settled down beside him in the spot Eliott just vacated, joining him in gazing at the ceiling. “I believe that’s what our ancestors called ‘love’.” 

Lucas nudged him gently, laughing to himself. “I’m aware of that, idiot. I’m so fucking in love.”

“Don’t punch me, but I honestly never thought I’d hear you say that,” Yann said, and Lucas finally turned to look at him. 

“Really?”

Yann nodded. “I guess I just didn’t know if you’d ever love yourself enough to let someone else love you, or to realize you deserve that love. I hoped, sure, but I knew that could only do so much. Then, with what you told us about your eating disorder… I’m so sorry, Lucas. I’ve seen you in pain for so long that I let myself get desensitized to it. I shouldn’t have, and I’m going to have to carry that for the rest of my life, but I still did it, and I’m so glad you found someone who saw every part of you and loved and cared for you in the way you deserve.”

An errant tear slipped down Lucas’ cheek as he turned to face Yann fully. Yann was still looking at the ceiling, but Lucas spoke anyway. “Don’t blame yourself for anything Yann. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was struggling, or to call me out on any of my bullshit. Eliott didn’t listen to my silent pleas for normalcy because he’s as stubborn as I am, but you can’t let yourself regret what happened in the past or blame yourself for it, trust me. It doesn’t do anyone any good, least of all yourself.”

“I’m still sorry,” Yann said, finally turning his head, “Please just let me be sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Lucas said, because it was what Yann needed to hear. Lucas didn’t think Yann needed to be forgiven for anything, but he offered up his forgiveness as a stepping stone to not send either of them too far into a regretful spiral. 

“He loves you too?” Yann asked seriously. 

Lucas smiled, thinking about the way Eliott looked at him like he was more beautiful than any star in the sky. “He does.”

“Jesus, you sappy little shit,” Yann groaned shaking his head. “‘He does’, with that fucking smile? Who are you and what have you done with Lucas Lallemant?”

He knew Yann was joking, but he thought about it. He was different, but it was a good different, a kind of different that made him want to soar, not sink. “I’m Lucas Lallemant 2.0, I think. The new and improved version. I like me better now, although I guess I didn’t really like myself at all before.”

“Well Lucas Lallemant 2.0, I’m your best friend Yann Cazas. Don’t go forgetting that again, ok? I’m with you no matter what. I’m the person you call when you need to hide a body, and you’re the same to me,” Yann said, raising his eyebrows.

“As if I could ever forget you,” Lucas said, half joking half serious. “And thanks, really.”

“Another no homo bro hug?” Yann offered, and Lucas didn’t even have time to respond verbally before Yann sat up and pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him. Lucas returned the gesture, resting his head on Yann’s shoulder.

When they pulled away Yann twitched his lips, looking to the side. “Speaking of no homo bro hugs—”

“Yann are you coming out to me?” Lucas interrupted, pretending to be scandalized. 

Yann rolled his eyes, shoving Lucas’ shoulder. “Shut up. What I was going to say was, you need to talk to Arthur.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Lucas asked immediately, heart speeding up. Arthur had been acting a bit oddly… Lucas really hoped nothing was wrong.

“Calm down, nothing’s wrong,” Yann continued, reading his mind, “I just think you guys should have an actual heart to heart.”

“You’re scaring me a bit Yann…”

“I swear!” Yann raised his arms again. “He just filled me in on the things going on in his life, and I figured you’d want to know too, but not from me.”

“Ok…” Lucas was still wary, he could sense Yann wasn’t telling him something, but he’d just have to accept it for now. He really should have a talk with Arthur anyway, even just to fill him in on everything going on in his life as well. “Ok,” he repeated, “I’ll talk to him this week.”

Yann nodded, then scooted off the bed. “Tell your lover he can stop hiding in his room now, but if he ever hurts you I will break his spine.”

“Noted,” Lucas said, smiling. Then, “By the way, how’s it going with Chloé?”

Yann laughed as if he couldn’t help himself. “Ha. That. Yeah, um, it’s not really ‘going’ so to speak anymore.”

Lucas lifted the water from his bedside table in mock salute. “I expected nothing less.”

“Shut up, Lallemant, you’re still on thin ice for not telling me you’ve been a part of some enemies to lovers fanfiction for weeks now.” Yann pointed at him, narrowing his eyes. 

“Enemies to lovers fan— Are you serious right now?” Lucas laughed, doubling over. 

Yann simply turned towards the door, calling over his shoulder. “You don’t know what I do in my free time. Although, come to think of it, which one of you would be Harry and which one would be Draco?”

“Yann!”

“Ok, ok, leaving for real now. Let me know when you decide, though, this is important data,” Yann yelled, making his way through their living room and out the door. Lucas flopped back down shaking his head fondly. Harry and Draco… Yann was something else, he really was. 

Lucas was so out of it he didn’t even register when Eliott walked back into the room until he said, “Well, obviously, I’m Harry.”

“What? Are you kidding?” Lucas scoffed as Eliott settled back down beside him. “How am I Draco?”

Eliott shrugged. “You were the mean one.”

Lucas rolled his eyes. Fine, if that was how they were going to play it. “You were the one who pined from afar for years.”

“They both did that,” Eliott argued.

“Well you— and Draco— were the ones aware that they were pining.”

And so they went on like this, debating back and forth, hands twisting together idly, legs brushing not so accidentally, hearts filled to the brim with adoration, as was normal these days. It was a peaceful morning that led into a peaceful afternoon that led into a peaceful night and it was wonderful. Every minute of it. 

Dimanche 19:07

Lucas was fully drained, mentally and emotionally. He’d spent the last seven hours with a clinical psychologist, working through what was going on and getting properly diagnosed, and now he was even more exhausted than after a full day of rehearsals. It had taken a while for him to feel comfortable, but once he began to open up, the words wouldn’t stop flowing and flowing until he’d practically told his entire life story. It was a lot, and all he wanted right now were cuddles from Eliott. 

The moment he opened the door, he was greeted by Eliott’s grinning face standing behind the counter chopping something up. “Hey, Lu. I’m making dinner.”

Lucas appreciated that he didn’t ask how the session had gone. Lucas would tell him, but he needed a moment to process things on his own first. He made his way over to the counter, sitting at one of the stools and peeking at what Eliott was doing. “What are you making?”

Eliott’s face flushed bright red. “It’s a surprise?”

“A surprise?”

Eliott beckoned Lucas closer with his hand, waiting to speak until they were inches apart. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” Eliott whispered.

“Do you want help?” Lucas whispered back, stifling a giggle. 

“No,” Eliott scoffed in mock indignation, pulling away. “Who knows, maybe this will be the best meal we’ve ever eaten. Maybe I’ll become a world famous chef, the new Remy.”

“Remy?” Lucas clarified.

“Yeah, the rat from Ratatouille.”

Lucas laughed. “Oh, I just thought his name was Ratatouille.”

This apparently, was the wrong thing to say, because Eliott dropped everything he was doing and stared at Lucas, mouth agape. Once he regained his composure, he sighed. “We have to break up.”

Lucas choked on a laugh, taken aback. “Excuse me?”

“You don’t respect the cinematic excellence that is Ratatouille enough to even remember the main character’s name. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.” He shooed Lucas with his hands, turning away dramatically. “Begone, thot!”

And, well, Lucas had never expected to hear those words from Eliott, so he did what any sensible person would do. He laughed so hard he quite literally fell from his chair. 

“Shit!” he exclaimed, catching himself before he could really embarrass himself. Eliott ran to the opposite side of the counter, alarm in his eyes. 

“Oh my god are you ok? I’m so so sorry, Lu, I’m so— are you laughing?” Eliott rambled upon seeing Lucas shaking on the ground. Lucas lifted his head and revealed not tears of pain, but tears of laughter. Eliott sank down onto the floor beside him, dropping his face into his hands, but his smile was unmistakable. 

“Begone— thot—” Lucas gasped between laughs, wiping his eyes. 

Eliott finally surrendered to his own laughter, shaking his head. “I don’t even know where that came from.”

It took a few more minutes for Lucas to finally catch his breath, but once he did, he clasped one of Eliott’s hands between both of his. “Thank you,” he said, radiating with warmth.

“I called you a thot,” Eliott reiterated.

Lucas nudged him with his shoulder. “That’s not what I’m talking about, dummy. Thank you for being you, for making me laugh after the day I just had.”

“Are we talking about it?” Eliott asked, and Lucas wondered the same thing himself. He kind of just wanted to get it all off his chest, even if a small part of him was screaming to hold it all in until he exploded. 

Lucas settled on a nod, leaning back against the counter and pulling his knees up to his chest. Eliott did the same, the two of them sitting side by side and not looking at each other. It was easier saying these things when he didn’t have to look for every single reaction in Eliott’s expressive eyes. 

“So, I guess I officially have an eating disorder,” Lucas began. He felt his heart start to beat a tad more rapidly and took a few deep breaths to steady himself. Eliott didn’t say anything, just listened, still holding his hand. 

“Anorexia nervosa, technically,” he continued, biting his lip. “I, um, also apparently have generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and deeply rooted emotional and physical trauma which manifests itself as PTSD. And abandonment issues. I’m quite the catch, I know.”

Eliott squeezed his hand. “Hey. None of that makes you less of a person, ok? Now that you know what to call it, you’ll have a better time learning how to push through it in a healthy way, right?”

“Yeah,” Lucas said in a small voice, focusing on a loose thread on his pants. 

“Do you have to take any medications?” Eliott asked conversationally, as if they were talking about the weather. 

Lucas nodded again. “They think that would be best, particularly for the OCD, mostly because I can’t go to therapy as often as they’d like given rehearsal schedules.”

“Hey that’s great!” Eliott exclaimed, and Lucas finally looked at him, confusion creasing his brows. “I have to take medication too, for, you know… now we can take them together or something. Help each other out. Obviously it won’t be easy for either of us, but I’m willing to try if you are.”

“That would be nice,” Lucas said, resting his head on Eliott’s shoulder. It most definitely would not be all rainbows and butterflies, and may be a source of argument from time to time, but Lucas thought it was what both of them needed at the moment to help them adjust to the changes in their lives. 

“Minute by minute, baby,” Eliott said, leaning his head on top of Lucas’. 

“Please don’t call me baby,” Lucas said, scrunching up his face even though he knew Eliott couldn’t see it. Had he told Eliott about his dislike of pet names yet or was this going to have to be a new conversation?

“Whatever you say, baby.”

“Eliott I swear—” 

But he didn’t finish, and Eliott didn’t have time to answer, because a loud beeping noise interrupted both of their trains of thought. Their heads shot up, then their bodies when they realized the beeping was the smoke detector. 

“You were making food,” Lucas remembered and Eliott nodded solemnly. 

“I was making food.”

“Shit.”

They both went to work, waving away the smoke and turning off the stove, putting whatever Eliott’s concoction had been into the sink. Eliott was jumping up and down waving a dish towel to dissipate the smoke, and the sight was enough for Lucas’ panic to leave him and for laughter to take over once again. Eliott glared at him like Is now really the time?, but the corner of his mouth twitched nonetheless. 

Lucas heard voices outside their door and looked through the peephole to see people walking past, muttering in confusion. “Shit,” he repeated, “I think we’re supposed to evacuate.”

“Even if we’re the source of the problem?” Eliott asked, still waving his dish towel.

“Especially if we’re the source of the problem, I think,” Lucas replied, reaching for the hoodie he’d strewn across the couch earlier. Actually, it was Eliott’s hoodie, but Lucas claimed it, so now it was his (at least until it stopped smelling like Eliott).

Eliott reluctantly put down the towel and followed Lucas out of the room, leaving the door ajar so the smoke had more room to escape. They found themselves caught in the throng of ballet students and grabbed each other’s hands instinctively, not remembering that what they had was supposed to be a secret. It didn’t matter anyway, no one was paying attention to them. 

At least, they weren’t until Lucas and Eliott caught each other’s eyes over some of the younger student’s heads. Their lips wobbled, and Lucas bit the inside of his cheek, but it was useless. They broke back down into laughter, because of course they’d almost started a fire while they were having a deep and important conversation. And of course they’d had a deep and important conversation right after Eliott had called him a thot.      

Once outside, Eliott and Lucas were still nearly pissing themselves laughing, not paying the slightest bit of attention to anyone or anything around them. They couldn’t stop, and everyone was looking at them like they were insane, though that could have partly been because it was Eliott and Lucas laughing together. No one had seen that since they were ten years old. 

“What the fuck is going on here?” Emma asked, catching their attention. Right, other people existed. 

“We may have set off the fire alarm,” Eliott explained biting his lip to try to stop his laughter. Lucas wasn’t quite there yet.

“We?” Daphné cut in, looking between the two of them utterly confused. Lucas caught Imane’s eye as he regained his composure, the knowing look, and he tried not to draw attention to it. 

Sofiane caught the look though, probably because he was always looking at Imane, and his jaw dropped. “Wait a minute.”

Eliott looked at Sofiane in confusion, not having caught the exchange that had just gone down. Sofiane closed his mouth, then opened it, then closed it again. “Am I dreaming?” he asked finally.

“No,” Imane said, and Lucas glared at her. 

He nearly groaned aloud when Manon came over to join all of them, along with Arthur, Ingrid, and Chloé. “What’s going on?” she asked warily, looking at Daphné for some sort of explanation. Daphné merely shrugged, eyes wide as she tried to figure out what was going on.

Ingrid looked at Manon and Daphné, then up at Lucas and Eliott. “They’re fucking,” she said simply, and practically every single person within earshot went wild. 

“Funny joke—”

“Woah…”

“I knew it.”

“Lucas and Eliott? Never.”

“Finally.”

Lucas looked from person to person, mouth agape. Eliott looked a bit uncomfortable, kind of like he wanted to disappear, and Lucas went into defense mode. He glared at Ingrid, folding his arms across one another. “Really?”

She shrugged. “What? I share a wall with one of you, and you’re loud as fuck.”

Lucas didn’t think they were that loud, and besides, they’d only ‘fucked’ the way she was insinuating for the first time after their dance in the theatre. Sure, they’d probably done a few other… loud… activities, but it wasn’t like it was every night. 

“That doesn’t mean it was Lucas and Eliott, though,” Daphné said, “It could have been one of them with someone else.”

“Well that would be super awkward, considering the two people in question were moaning the names ‘Eliott’ and ‘Lucas’,” Ingrid said matter of factly, and Lucas decided right then that he was going to kill her. 

“But they hate each other,” Daphné said, looking to Manon for assistance. She wasn’t paying attention though, too focused on Lucas, on trying to read his face. He saw the moment she read all she needed to and was forced to accept the reality that Ingrid was telling the truth. Her jaw didn’t drop quite as Sofiane’s had, but it was enough that Daphné and Emma both gasped. 

Yann winked at Lucas across the group of people, which was entirely unhelpful, but he supposed he had gotten himself into this situation in the first place. “We’re not fucking,” Lucas said adamantly. 

Eliott met his eyes, raising his eyebrows in an equally unhelpful fashion, and Lucas sighed. “We’re not just fucking,” he amended, covering his face with his hands to avoid eye contact with anyone and everyone. He felt an arm slip around his shoulders and knew it was Eliott’s without having to look.

“We’re dating,” Eliott said simply, and if everyone’s reactions had been wild before, they were nothing compared to what they were now.

Manon’s face told him that she was going to chew him out for not telling her later, but also that she was happy for him if he was happy, and he appreciated it. He did feel bad for not telling her for so long. 

Just as their friends began to ask questions, the director emerged, yelling to all the students. “This was a false fire alarm, you can all go back inside and about your business, we’ll have someone come in tomorrow morning to look into any faulty wires that could have tripped the alarm accidentally. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

His face said otherwise, but then again, he always looked like he’d just stepped in shit. At least no one had found out that Lucas and Eliott were the source of this trouble, especially given all the other trouble they’d caused recently. 

Before their friends could even think to ask more questions or even focus their attention back on Eliott and Lucas, Eliott grabbed Lucas’ hand and took off with him back into the building, laughing all the while. 

The charred remains of their dinner still sat in the sink, so they grabbed leftovers from the fridge before locking their door— and triple checking that it was actually locked— and resuming their positions leaned up against the counter on the floor. 

They could explain everything in the morning.

Lundi 12:12

Surprisingly, most people had come to terms with Eliott and Lucas being a thing by the time classes started that morning. Maybe more of them had seen it coming than they were willing to admit, or maybe they were just waiting to ambush them until after class. Whatever the case, it gave Lucas opportunity to pull Arthur aside at the beginning of class to ask if he wanted to have lunch, just the two of them. He’d agreed, and now Lucas sat waiting at the cafe down the street, frowning at the time. Arthur wasn’t going to bail on him, was he?

But no, almost fifteen minutes past noon, Arthur strolled in, casual smile on his face. Lucas could tell it was forced, but he didn’t comment on it. He knew Arthur had been going through a lot lately. 

“Hey Lulu,” Arthur said as he sat down, and Lucas found himself grinning at the nickname. Arthur was really the only person he ever let get away with calling him that. “What did you, um, want to talk about?” Arthur added, almost nervously. 

Lucas didn’t really have an answer, because technically Yann was the one who told him to talk to Arthur. “I just wanted to check in, I guess. Make sure everything’s alright with you.”

“Oh.” The tension in Arthur’s shoulders deflated. “This is about what I told you and Yann last week?”

Lucas shrugged. “Kind of, I guess. We don’t have to talk about it, but I’m here if you want to.”

Arthur seemed to weigh this, folding his hands and unfolding them so many times it almost made Lucas dizzy. It was odd, Arthur was never usually nervous like this, especially not around Lucas. “Well. I’m getting emancipated, obviously. I don’t think you’ve ever met my mom but she’s— she’s something. It was never really about her, but she never did anything, either, so I guess it was about her, in a way.”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand,” Lucas said apologetically. He knew Arthur liked to speak vaguely, didn’t like to get too personal, but if they were having this conversation, Lucas needed to be able to follow it. 

“Right. Sorry. Um, you know my mom was a ballerina, famous and whatever, that’s why I started ballet. When I was five she hired this special instructor, apparently she was really well known in the ballet world, I don’t know, I was five, but she also… got a little too involved in our rehearsals. I didn’t really even know what was happening, I was too young, so I didn’t say anything. I thought that’s what ballet teachers did. But then I got older, and she stayed under my mother’s employ, and I started to realize the things we did, that she was doing with me, they weren’t, like, normal, or right. That’s when I told my mom about it, but she didn’t believe me. She said I just wanted an excuse to slack off rehearsing. That was when I was twelve, and she was my mom, so I accepted her word and continued doing what I’d been doing my whole life.

“Then when I was fourteen it got… different. My instructor, she— let’s just say some things changed for the worse. At that point I couldn’t blow it off or pretend it wasn’t happening anymore. I hated her, I hated my mom, I hated myself most of all, so I stopped giving a shit. I blew off rehearsals all the time, a habit that I kept up here at school, even though this place was heaven compared to being at home, I started smoking weed a lot, I hooked up with a lot of people I probably shouldn’t have. People who thought I was older than I was, who were much older themselves, because I guess a masochistic part of me was used to it. Eliott, actually, was the only one who noticed. It’s no one’s fault for not noticing what I didn’t want them to notice, but when Eliott did notice, I finally let myself break.” 

Arthur shut his eyes and clenched his fists on the table. Lucas realized he’d simply been staring open mouthed and schooled his expression into something more neutral. He and Arthur were more alike than they’d realized, apparently, and Eliott continued to be one of the greatest humans to ever grace the earth. 

When Arthur opened his eyes, Lucas pretended not to notice the tears he was blinking away. “Obviously,” he continued, “Some old habits die hard. I still do things I shouldn't. I go out until dawn when I know I have rehearsals at eight, I don’t apply myself in class like I know I can because I don’t want personalized attention, I have unhealthy habits when it comes to relationships, but I tried to start over in little ways. I filed for emancipation at the beginning of last school year with Elliot’s help and I stayed with Alexia last summer, so that’s why we’re closer than we used to be. She was another lifesaver. No one of any importance believed me when I told them about what my instructor did, but at least they believed me when I told them that my mother was emotionally abusive and incredibly manipulative, and she put me into dangerous situations without care or conscience. She still tries to contact me sometimes, and I really don’t want to have to get a restraining order, but I found out that she and my old instructor apparently have been in a relationship for quite a few years and they never told me about it. I don’t even have the words to say how fucked up that is.”

“Fuck, Arthur, I’m so sorry,” Lucas said, unable to keep it in any longer. He wasn’t sure if Arthur was done or not, but he’d paused, and Lucas had used that as an opening. 

Arthur just shrugged noncommittally. “You have nothing to be sorry for. That's life.”

“No one deserves that kind of a life,” Lucas said, because that was what he’d learned recently himself. 

“I could say the same to you,” Arthur responded, and Lucas smiled sadly. 

“I know, that’s why I’m telling you.” Arthur said nothing to that, just continued to look down at his hands. “Um, would it be ok if I gave you a hug?” Lucas asked, because in his opinion hugs made everything better. 

Arthur’s head shot up and he shook his head fervently. “No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

Ouch, but ok. Maybe this was about Eliott? They hadn’t talked about that yet, just the two of them, maybe Arthur thought Eliott was the super jealous type or something. “Eliott won’t mind if I give one of my best friends a hug,” Lucas said slowly, and Arthur flushed bright red.

“That’s not what I meant, um, I just actually have something else I need to talk about with you.” Arthur’s hands were fidgeting again. “I… um, simply put, I think I’m in love with you?”

Lucas blinked, certain he’d misheard. There was no way… he and Arthur had always had this intimate dynamic together, but it was always platonic. That was his understanding of it at least. 

“What?” he asked intelligently. 

Arthur rubbed his eyes under his glasses, sighing deeply. “I’m kind of in love with you which is why I’ve kind of been avoiding you lately.”

“How long?” What the fuck else was he supposed to ask? To say? It was strange to think that if he and Eliott hadn’t gotten over their shit he might be with Arthur right now. 

Arthur shrugged. “Around the time we went to that party Alexia invited us to. We were talking about getting married, and I was drunk, and I just had a fleeting feeling of wanting to kiss you. Then I realized the feeling wasn’t fleeting, and then I panicked.”

“Did you know I was with Eliott?”

“No.” Arthur shook his head. “I was as surprised as everyone else last night.”

“Then why didn’t you ever say anything? Why say something now?” Lucas asked, genuinely. 

Arthur smirked, but there was no humor to it. “Because I can handle you rejecting me if you’re in love with someone else, but I don’t think I could have handled you rejecting me because you simply didn’t feel the same way.”

“I’m sorry,” Lucas said, because he didn’t want Arthur to feel like shit because Lucas didn’t love him like that. 

Arthur looked away. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault, we don’t choose who we fall in love with. I’ll get over it, trust me. In the meantime I understand if you don’t want to be around me or whatever.”

Lucas scoffed, bringing Arthur’s gaze back to his. “Are you serious? Do you really think I would ever not want to be around you? Sure, I’m not in love with you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you with all my heart. You’re one of my favorite people in the entire world.”

“Lucas you don’t have to say that—”

“I know,” Lucas cut him off, “I want to. Because I mean it.”

Arthur began to grin, then. It was small, it was slow, but it was there. “We should probably get out of here, classes start up soon.”

Lucas checked his phone for the time and realized Arthur was right. It felt like no time had passed at all, he’d been too wrapped up in their conversation. Lucas looked at Arthur as they made their way to the door, mulling over a question.

“So what about me, specifically, turns you on?” Lucas asked jokingly as the two of them walked out of the cafe together. 

“Shut the fuck up Lallemant, I swear,” Arthur warned, but he was finally laughing. 

“My striking looks? My dazzling personality?” 

Arthur rolled his eyes, walking a few steps ahead of Lucas. “Your ass,” he said, breaking into a jog before Lucas could register his words. Lucas stood dumbstruck for a moment, then came back into himself.

“Wait a minute, my— Arthur get back here! Were you serious? Arthur!”

Mardi 20:43

For the first time in a long time, Eliott and Lucas were working on Polaris together. Well, more accurately, Eliott was working on Polaris and Lucas was trying to distract him by playing rap songs on the piano.

“Duuude,” Eliott whined, “I can’t focus!”

“Did you just call me dude?” Lucas clarified with a laugh. “Dude-zoned by my own boyfriend. I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me.”

That was all it took for Eliott to drop his focus completely, on top of Lucas so quickly they nearly both fell off the piano bench for what wouldn’t be the first time. Eliott’s lips seared onto his, and Lucas tried and failed to hold back a moan as Eliott teased him, pulling away just enough that Lucas was struck by his absence. Eliott smiled at him, pulling him closer by the waist and sliding him across the bench so he ended up nearly on top of Eliott. 

Lucas’ hands snaked around Eliott’s shoulders, a safe space (though Lucas would argue that everything about Eliott made him feel safe), a place for him to lose himself completely. Maybe it would have been frustrating that Eliott smiled into every kiss they shared causing their teeth to clang together if it wasn’t so endearing. 

Eliott almost always had his hands on Lucas’ face when they kissed, like holding Lucas was the most important thing in the world. Lucas liked it, he liked it a lot. The security it brought and the way the heat of Eliott’s hands matched the heat on his face were a deadly combination, and Lucas reveled in it. 

Nothing compared to the taste of Eliott, though. Granted, Lucas hadn’t kissed many people in his life, but Eliott’s taste was better than all of them combined, and then some. Sometimes Lucas wondered how he compared to Lucille, in Eliott’s eyes, but he would never ask. It didn’t matter if Eliott had loved Lucille’s taste as much as he loved Eliott’s, it was the two of them until the end of time now and no one would ever get in the way of it. 

Through a series of events Lucas had little to no recollection of, too caught up in the heat of the moment, of Eliott, they ended up on the floor, heads aligned and their bodies pointing in opposite directions, gazing up at the fluorescent studio lights. Lucas was still breathing a bit heavily, unable to wipe the soft smile from his face. It was a comfortable silence, the kind that you can only share with a person you love deeply.   

“You know, we never had our Elu Two-Man Swan Lake World Tour,” Eliott said, breaking that silence and turning his head to face Lucas. 

“Shit, that’s right,” Lucas said, as if he’d ever forgotten about it. A stupid part of him had always hoped they’d be able to get over themselves by the time they were seventeen and make good on their childhood plans. Another thought occurred to him. “Oh, fuck you, you get to be Siegfried again.” 

“You wanted to do the fouettes!” Eliott reminded him, and Lucas turned his head to face him as well.

“I’ve always wanted to dance with a Prince,” he conceded with a small shrug. In truth, he thought it might be a bit entertaining to play Odette in their mini reproduction of the show, mostly because he and Eliott would have to do a series of lifts and partnering that would probably have been impossible, roles reversed. Not that Lucas would ever admit that to Eliott. 

“Saturday?” Eliott suggested. “We could invite our friends, now that none of this is a secret. Are they our friends now, or do your friends still have to pretend to hate me?”

Lucas cracked a smile, leaning over to shut Eliott up with a small peck on the lips. “Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Well, Lucas thought, challenge accepted. 

Jeudi 18:45

Lucas and Eliott had just finished dinner when Manon texted and left Lucas in a state of utter confusion.

Manon: Lucas Lallemant if you don’t get your ass over to room 412 in two minutes I’ll never speak to you again

Lucas: ??? what the fuck ???

Manon: 120, 119, 118, 117, 116, 115…

Lucas: Yeesh I’m coming chill out bro

Manon: 114, 113, 112, 111, 110… 

He shut his phone off before her countdown could fall any lower and begrudgingly removed himself from where he’d been tucked into Eliott’s side. Eliott whined and reached for him as he stood up, but Lucas just sighed and shook his head.

“I have to go to Manon’s room, for some reason,” he said, pouting.

“Do you want me to come with?” Eliott asked, but Lucas shook his head.

“No, she’s probably asking me to come because she’s mad I didn’t tell her about us,” he reasoned, leaning back over to run a hand through Eliott’s hair. Why was it always so soft, who allowed that? 

Eliott hummed, leaning into his touch. “Don’t be gone too long, I miss you already.”

“Yeah, yeah, you big old sap,” Lucas teased, but his parting kiss said, I miss you too. 

When Lucas knocked on Manon’s door she opened it with a stern expression. “You’re seventeen seconds late,” she said without preamble.

“Sorry?”

“Just come in,” she said, pulling him by the hand and shutting the door behind her.

Lucas shrank at the look in her eyes, wondering how much shit he’d have to hear about keeping his relationship a secret. She smacked him lightly on the shoulder, which was expected, and frowned. “You already know what I’m going to say.”

“I do,” he agreed, sitting on the couch. He didn’t know where Imane and Daphné were, maybe they were just hiding away in their rooms. 

She sat beside him, raising her eyebrows for him to continue. “I’m sorry?” he tried, and she rolled her eyes.

He threw his hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know what to say! I am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, we just didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Well, why not?” she asked, and he scoffed, because he was pretty sure she’d been doing the same thing.

“For the same reason I’m the only one who knows about you and Daphné,” he countered. 

She furrowed her brows. “Everyone knows about Daphné and me.”

“What? Since when?”

“Well,” she thought about it, “Imane knows because she lives with us, I told Emma the day after I told you because I didn’t want her to feel like I didn’t trust her enough to tell her.” She paused to give him a pointed look. “Then we told everyone else two Saturdays ago, at the terminale brunch.”

The terminale brunch? Oh. Oh. That had been when he and Eliott had been at Eliott’s house. Now it made more sense as to why there was so much drama surrounding the absence. If they hadn’t had an event that morning, no one would have even known Lucas was gone, probably. 

“I wasn’t at the terminale brunch,” he reminded her and she blinked, as if just realizing this. 

“Oh, yeah.”

“Oh, yeah,” he repeated, and she shoved him. 

Her face grew suspicious. “Where were you? You haven’t really told me anything in a long time, Lu.”

He felt guilty as he realized she was right. They hadn’t talked about anything serious since she’d told him about her and Daphné, and he certainly hadn’t volunteered up any information about his own struggle. Everyone knew that he and Eliott were splitting shows, but no one other than them knew why. Manon probably didn’t even know he’d almost been kicked out, he realized with a jolt. 

So, he started talking, spilling everything that had happened since the beginning of the year that he’d kept her in the dark about. He tried not to look at her face while he spoke, not wanting to see any of the disappointment or pity that was surely etched there. After a while, she took his hand, but he didn’t stop talking, even when his voice wobbled and he tried to blink tears from his eyes.

It wasn’t all bad, though. Lucas heard her laugh when he told her about his first kiss with Eliott, and he couldn’t help but smile as well. He’d almost slipped up and revealed that he and Eliott had been hiding in a closet when she and Daphné had their first kiss, but he figured he could save that story for years down the road. 

“That’s all, I suppose,” he finished, just after he told her about the Elu Two-Man Swan Lake World Tour. He was still too nervous to look her in the eyes, but it turned out he didn’t have to. She simply grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into her, engulfing him in what might have been the world's tightest hug. 

“Don’t ever go through something like that again without telling me,” she whispered, pressing her cheek to his shoulder. 

He squeezed her even more tightly in response. “Yann said practically the same thing.”

“Good.” She pulled away, looking him in the eyes. “We’ll form a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade.”

“That’s entirely unnecessary.”

“You don’t get a say in this.”

“Mmmm… pretty sure I do—” 

He was cut off by the door opening, and he and Manon both turned to see who it was. Lucas smiled as Imane walked in, eyes narrowed. “What’s going on here?” she asked, setting down her dance bag. 

“We’re starting a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade,” Manon explained, and Lucas glared at her. 

“We are not doing that,” he attempted to interject, but Imane wasn’t listening. 

She sat down on the couch on the other side of Lucas. “Oh, thank god we’re making it official. I was all alone before.”

Manon raised her eyebrows. “Excuse me, but I’ve been manning the helm of the S.S. Lallemant longer than you.”

“Ladies, ladies, no need to fight over me,” Lucas said, mostly to get them off the topic of a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade. “Besides,” he continued, “Yann has both of you beat.”

Manon and Imane exchanged a glance, shrugging. “That’s fair,” Manon conceded, leaning her head back on his shoulder. Lucas and Manon both looked at Imane, beckoning her to join their cuddle. 

“You know you want to,” Lucas said, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“Whatever would Eliott say?” Imane asked with a fake gasp. 

Lucas grinned. “He’d just be jealous we had a group hug without him.”

Imane rolled her eyes, but she put her head on Lucas’ other shoulder. “I don’t think I’ll ever be used to you talking about him like you don’t want to set him on fire.”

“I never wanted to set Eliott on fire.” First Yann, now Imane. When had he ever said anything like that? He was fairly confident his hatred had remained subtle. Even if perhaps he did say anything of the sort, it’s not like he ever actually would have set Eliott on fire for christ’s sake. Eliott was a bit like fire himself, could a bit intimidating from afar but gets warmer and warmer the closer you get to him. He was also a radiant light shining in any kind of darkness. 

“You should be used to it by now,” Lucas continued, drawing back from his own thoughts.

“It’s been less than a week, I’m nowhere near used to it yet either,” Manon laughed, and Lucas turned sharply, meeting Imane’s eyes. 

She frowned, not seeing what he was trying to communicate. “Maybe for you…”

“Wait a minute.” Manon sat up. “Did you tell her before you told me?”

Lucas glared at Imane as she finally realized what he’d been trying to convey with his eyes. “In my defense I was having a panic attack,” he added, hoping Manon wouldn’t be too mad. 

“Shush,” she cut him off, narrowing her eyes at Imane. Imane just stared back, which was one of the many things he loved about her. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Manon burst out laughing. 

“What the fuck!” she gasped through her laughter. 

“What the fuck?” Lucas mouthed to Imane, who just shrugged. 

“I told Imane before you too,” Manon said at last, her giggles subsiding. “I just didn’t tell you that because I felt bad.”

Lucas gasped. “Et tu brute?” 

“That doesn’t work in this context, no one else betrayed you,” Manon pointed out, “Not that either of us betrayed each other, I guess.” She sighed, resigned. “Looks like Imane is the leader of the LLDB then.”

“LLDB?”

“Lucas Lallemant Defense Brigade,” Imane filled in and Lucas groaned, leaning back onto the couch further. 

“Forget I said anything!” 

The two of them fell back with him, attacking him with more hugs. He felt so light, and he honestly hadn’t known it was possible to feel this light. As good as he felt with Eliott, there had been something missing, and it was honest and open communication with his best friends. Now that he and Yann, Arthur, Manon, and Imane were on the same page about everything, the colors in the world seemed much more saturated.

As the three of them sat there in one big pile Manon brushed a hand through his hair smiling up at him. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but you really look happy now, Lu, the kind of happy that comes from so deep inside that you can’t stop it.”

It was true. Eliott was the poetic one, he could have spun the feeling into a beautiful metaphor or a life changing quote, but Lucas preferred to keep it simple. He wasn’t healed, but he was healing, and he was happy.  

Samedi 18:58

Their friends were absolutely ridiculous. Lucas had accidentally slipped and revealed his childhood plans turned reality to Manon the night before and she had, in turn, spilled them to everyone in their year. So now, their two man show was an actual show, and not an excuse for them to escape and make out for inordinate amounts of time. And now their whole year was in the audience with signs and cheers and cake for some reason.

“I don’t know all of Odette’s parts, what was I thinking?” Lucas was not so silently freaking out in the wings of their in house auditorium while Eliott watched him with amusement. Lucas stuck his tongue out at Eliott. “You’re not helping!”

“Did you just stick your tongue out at me?” Eliott asked, failing to conceal a laugh.

Lucas simply made a noise that resembled that of a dying cat. Eliott’s smile grew smaller as he walked over to Lucas, cupping his face in his hands. Lucas sank into the embrace immediately, placing his own hands over Eliott’s wrists. 

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Eliott said softly, melodically. “I’m perfectly fine with hiding in our room for the rest of the night. I would offer to make food, but we can just order something, I don’t want to burn the building down.”

Lucas took a deep breath and shook his head. “No. I want to do this, I just… it’s hard to let go of being perfect, even if we’re literally just making a mockery of Swan Lake.”

“Who said anything about making a mockery of it? I intend to be the most dazzling Prince you’ve ever seen!” Eliott said, grin encompassing his whole face. 

“Eli, I’m serious. I know you’ll be amazing at whatever you do, but it’s hard for me to just… let go. This isn’t a role I’ve trained for, we’ve never actually partnered seriously together, and even though it’s just our friends out there, what if they don’t like it?” Voicing his insecurities was a new thing for him, but he was trying. 

“Lu.” Lucas closed his eyes as Eliott leaned all the way in, connecting them further, everywhere but their lips. “You trust me, right?”

Lucas nodded, eyes still shut. He could hear Eliott’s comforting smile. “Good, because I promise you, we’ll both be so perfectly imperfect that it won’t even matter if we get any moves wrong. It’s you and me, now and forever. We may look like idiots, but who cares? What’s love without being idiots together? Besides, when else are we going to get to do this? This might be the last time we get to dance for fun, no expectations attached. Do you really want to miss out on that?”

Lucas didn’t. He wanted, more than anything, to dance for himself. He opened his eyes. “Ok. I’m ready.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then let’s do this.”

Eliott separated them from one another, but not before stealing a kiss. Lucas’ face flushed with the feeling it brought as Eliott grabbed his hand and led him onto the stage.

The stage lights were so bright he could barely see his friends out in the crowd, but he could hear them, whooping and yelling and whistling. Against his wishes, it brought a smile to his face, and when the music started, he just let go.

***

Was he supposed to laugh through the entire performance of Swan Lake? Probably not, but he also wasn’t supposed to play the role of Odette, if that’s even what he was doing. And he also most definitely wasn’t supposed to pause after every partnering interaction to give his boyfriend a kiss, but he preferred this version of the show to the original. 

Eliott had shouted out from the wings as Lucas did his thirty-two fouettes, executed to near perfection. He almost wished the director was in there just so he could rub his talent in his face. The finale came too soon, but with it came cheers from everyone in their year, and laughs as Eliott invited them all on stage and played a trap remix of the Swan Lake melody. 

Yann came over and spun Lucas with one hand, Arthur with the other, Lucas and Arthur catching each other’s eyes with a knowing glint. Lucas winked, and Arthur rolled his eyes, but he smiled, and they embraced one another, laughing hard enough they couldn’t feel anything but joy.

“No homo,” Arthur whispered into his ear, and Lucas hugged him tighter, loving Arthur more than he could put into words. 

Sofiane and Eliott were laughing with one another, Imane standing just out of the way, smiling as she gazed at them. Well, Sofiane, mostly. Lucas would be sure to give her shit for it later. 

Daphné snaked behind him, pressing something into his hand and before disappearing with the raise of one eyebrow. He looked down and saw a can of blue silly string, something that immediately transported him back to being seven years old, running around Eliott’s backyard and spraying each other with wild glee. 

Eliott’s eyes found him through the throng of people and they smiled, sharing this memory from across the room. Eliott shook his own can in challenge, and Lucas grinned wider, shaking his own can before releasing a long stream in Eliott’s direction. 

Shrieks sounded from all over as everyone began spraying each other, using each other as shields, dancing as the silly string fell down onto them. So many colors mixed in the air and on the stage and everyone kept adding more and more until there was an entire rainbow surrounding everyone from all sides. 

Lucas lost sight of Eliott and was about to go looking for him when yellow shot through his vision. He scoffed in outrage and turned to see Eliott grinning mischievously and holding his can in triumph. Well, that just wouldn’t do. 

Lucas sprayed him back, running and following him around the stage, each of them nearly slipping and falling on the string spread about the stage. Eliott turned around at the last second, probably hoping for a surprise attack, and they both sprayed each other at the same time, yellow and blue meeting in the middle like either end of an eternal flame. 

He probably looked like a disaster, he could feel all the silly string coating his body, his face, his hair, but Eliott didn’t seem to care. Eliott looked at him like Lucas was all he’d ever wanted. It was still surreal, to be looked at that way, but it was a look he loved, one that he hoped he reciprocated every time he looked Eliott’s way. 

Lucas stepped closer to him slowly, and placed a hand on his cheek, silly string falling from his hair as Eliott leaned into his hand. 

“I like yellow on you,” Eliott said, gesturing to where he’d sprayed his string all over Lucas.

“Thanks,” Lucas said, “But I think it suits you better than me.”

Eliott pulled back from Lucas’ hand, cocking his head. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because, Eliott Demaury,” Lucas said, pulling Eliott’s face to his, lifting up on relevé to make their heights more level. “You are the sun in its purest form.”

Eliott’s answering smile just before he pulled Lucas into the world’s most colorful kiss proved just that. Eliott was a light that would never go out. They both were. 

And they were happy.

#skam france #elu fic #elu ballet au #eliott demaury #lucas lallemant #eliott x lucas

[amberenigma]

stream of consciousness thoughts on ( ovan’s ) will. and about graphics. this is your spoiler warning for volume 4: reconnection.

i spent too long last night playing gu for a hot second and now i have some Thoughts:tm: about plots, ovan, and the notion of will. enjoy some 2015 levels of rambling about objectively minuscule details. 

anyway literal toilet thought but the archives have a very interesting way of creating meaningful iconography using particular design elements of characters ( mainly the infinity eight ) and minimizing it to something both unique and recognizable. namely, the epitaph pattern icons used for each player in the archives---they’ve always been really neat, unique, and it’s been something that the cc2 team has always used in their archives since _02.

ovan’s has changed between trilogy/original gu and volume 4, which i always thought was pretty neat, especially in terms of what’s actually presented.

( but anyone with the book be like: okay but haseo has a different one too in volume 4!! and i say shshshshshshshh this came about purely because of unison skeith’s icon which uses haseo’s epitaph version since he’s.......you know.......skeith’s host. epitaph talk will come up later )

anyway excuse my 5 minute “slap a banner of images” but the difference here is obvious and i just have an appreciation for what it means with aida---mostly that aida was acknowledged and treated as a completely different entity, an anomaly that didn’t belong on ovan at all and depicted as such during the trilogy. but after kusabira fuses back with him as true neighbor ( which i always thought was a very interesting name to give tri-edge ), we get a spiffy new icon for big blue and wah-lah, aida is now cyan! YAAAA!!! whether or not ovan actually accepts her as part of him ( in which he at least seems reluctant in-game, not so much my main verse after 6 years of writing him lmao ) is rather up for debate, but here we can at least verify that she’s not there to be malicious per se ( but that doesn’t quite exclude her as a menace, see haseo’s “it’s kusabira, isn’t it. it’s that aida whispering in your ear.” ), and not to the extent of trying to completely fuck up his day. i found that slight change pretty interesting. this is where i get into the meat of what i wanted to talk about.

the notion of will in .hack---gu in particular.

but first i do wanna say that there’s this blaring fucking pothole when it comes to corbenik and the rebirth that i don’t know will ever be explained. like. if it’s a failsafe that was a one and done thing, then corbenik should have been......destroyed or severely damaged or something.....right...or at least that’s what kind of makes sense to me unless the product of the RA plan really makes epitaphs less prone to the crumbly wumblies like they were in imoq after being salvaged. although that doesn’t seem to be the case given unison skeith is a solid half corbenik/half skeith. it’s bothered me for years and canon doesn’t really lean one way or the other, it just is ( again, i’ve written something out for my corbi blog years ago and tl;dr ovan and azure kite go fish him out of the sea of data, put him together, but he lacks the ability to rebirth again--i need to tag that thread actually ). but maybe he’s never meant to truly disappear as his moniker implies. always coming back ( additionally fitting for ovan, but i digress ). 

will is an interesting concept in gu. and at least with ovan specifically, it’s a strangely powerful trait in him, which may be why part of why he has this sort of enigmatic sort of vibe to him to anyone---this notion of, “i don’t know what this guy wants, but whatever it is, he’ll get it one way or another.” and i think it may really be stronger than at first glance, pivotal almost. we see it twice in dire moments, even though he’s so, so tired.

the first ( and not chronologically, there’s obvious some other off-screen moments we can speculate, these are just two instances that come to mind clearly ) is with the fight with cubia in redemption, where 7 of the 8 are trying to break through ballsack cubia’s final AT field ( forgive me it looks like an AT field what can we expect from sadamoto okay ). yata says they can’t do it without “the epitaph of rebirth”, which always struck me as odd for quite awhile. what did he mean by epitaph of rebirth? didn’t haseo have all of the epitaph data in his pc? he data drained corbenik twice now, they should be okay, no?

but, yata wasn’t referring to corbenik specifically in this case. he was referring to ovan, and in that extension, corbenik as his epitaph. the remnant data skeith absorbed was essentially not enough in this case despite corbenik containing a metric fuckton of data between himself and aida. what skeith can’t devour is human will. ovan’s will.

in the archives, ovan’s specifically noted to have an extremely high mental resilience---it’s the primary trait that attracted corbenik in the first place when searching for a host. this could mean quite a few things, honestly, and taking into account what little of his past we actually know, it makes sense that his sense of direction is incredibly poignant, his will to be essentially unmatched ( although parallel to haseo’s in my opinion, just simply a different flavor ). the man’s just an absolute unit. it’s also noted that ovan didn’t really take into account the repercussions of activating the rebirth and purging the net, thus spawning our good friend cubia, so he truly was just ready to go sleep forever. paraphrasing aura here, the rest of the infinity eight’s praying for ovan to hear their collective voices ( admittedly it just boils down to ovan hearing haseo’s voice, gestures at lost files in the trilogy archives which is a hilarious conversation by the way; “leave me be, i’m tired. i just want to sleep.” ) is what gets him to muster up any remaining strength he has left to come help. 

it’s an interesting sequence of scenes with haseo’s cracked data just magically healing up once ovan enters the picture---his presence alone drives haseo. it’s his image and his voice that’s alongside haseo’s ( which is an interesting choice because it could have been all eight of them in this case ). his will is what catalyzes everything to it’s end, including himself. 

the second is the avatar fight with moralta, where haseo realizes that he can’t do it alone again---and ovan is still surprisingly able to put himself through that kind of strain despite being in the deep freeze for a year ( avatar and all! again! goddamn! ), combining into unison skeith and yeeting the shit out of giant slug baby once and for all. this particular encounter takes a different note compared to cubia considering we hear both of them synced up ( literally all of their dialogue is the same )---and beyond the fact this whole epilogue is about haseo and ovan, it really ends up being the sheer fact that it’s both of them together that overcome and stop moralta from fucking up [the world]. sheer will’s a strong motive for pretty much all of vol 4 though, so this is kinda expected. it’s haseo’s lament at the end that poses an interesting discussion---he couldn’t do it by himself again ( in this case he is referring to everyone as a whole as well before finding ovan, too ). for all of the power that he holds via skeith, kusabira, etc, he still needed ovan there to push to victory. i’ve always felt that was an interesting distinction the staff has made throughout the gu timeline ( in any retelling of it, actually ). even ovan has to let him know that it’s the fact he had a warband of support that got him that far in the first place despite the trauma ovan had pushed him through.

the series has been consistent about ovan’s ability to push things the extra mile, even for things that he may not personally want, even if there’s few people he’d undoubtedly be alongside. his involvement makes all of the difference, and that’s powerful in it’s own way ( he is the antihero after all ). we see the power ovan has by guiding the events of gu throughout all three volumes, but we really see just how strong he is when he’s actually on-screen the few times he’s there for more than 10 seconds. it’s kind of fucking insane such a laidback personality has that much influence on the outcome of incredibly dangerous/dire/important situations.

when he knows exactly what he wants, he knows exactly what makes people tick, and what makes the world around him change. ovan’s will is a terrifying weapon and it’s one of my favorite details about him. 

and last thing that just came to mind from playing around last night..

in one of the demo trailers, haseo’s monologue expresses the emotions he’s experienced throughout playing to that point---specific people embody specific emotions, and in ovan’s case, he’s associated with despair. despair drives ovan--haseo’s correct about that honestly even if the context of what he knows boils down to the fact ovan’s burdened with aida and saving his sister ( things we see in the archives explicitly point out that the indou parents are straight up dead ). this man has lost so much, is losing too much, and is on the brink of losing even more during the events of gu and it shows. despair is a powerful force, a reaction to the things one has experienced and an outlet for all of the things it can cause. a man with nothing left to lose is the most dangerous and the most powerful of them all even in silence---and somehow, somehow ovan has managed to keep his edge despite being on the brink of death himself in the real world. that’s fucking scary.

#( ╳┊ headcanon. ) #i guess?? i don't have a tag for whole ass rambles but this is a huge part of his character. #god i just [clenches fist] love ovan so much he's so [clenches other fist] shrimptresting......even after 10+ years.....

[im-not-corrupted]

Safi, No (a Witchlands Fanfiction) - Chapter Ten

Written with @un-empressed, who wrote Safi’s POV!

Read the other chapters: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine 

Chapter Summary:

Safi orders jackets, and someone we hate gets pushed off a table.

Also on Ao3!

At first Safi had really been joking about the jackets. It wasn't like they could actually get them, was it? And even if there was a way to subtly defy Merik Nihar through an outfit, Safi knew that some of her group members would never approve.

Of course, Iseult, Caden, Lev and Zander learned long ago to give up rather than argue with her. Making them wear their jackets would be a breeze. Leopold didn't count - he'd wear his jacket willingly.

What Safi was worried about was the reaction the others would have. They were friends, sure, but their friendship barely started. They probably wouldn't like her getting the jackets without consulting them. They wouldn't wear them, which defied the point of jackets. Especially these jackets. They were meant to spite Merik specifically. There would be no point in buying jackets that would just stay inside wardrobes.

But as the week went by, Safi started to notice some things. She noticed the way Vaness started owning up to being her co-conspirator. There was much more mutual respect between them than Vaness would ever admit, and that was fine by Safi. She imagined Vaness would wear it once or twice, out of solidarity at least. Especially if Safi went through with the plan behind the others' backs.

Would Vaness turn away a gift? All Safi had to do was pay for it. She would have to wear it sometimes, out of basic decency.

That would probably work on Vivia as well. Safi still wasn't so sure what her problem was with Merik, but she wasn't completely opposed to the jackets when they were talking about it. And besides, she was unusually touched when Safi offered to pay for everyone's ice cream, since they came as a group. A single jacket wasn't that different than an ice cream, was it?

Safi doubted she'd have any problems getting Stix to wear her jacket. Her involvement had been pretty shocking, and even though Iseult told her that, realistically, Stix could be telling Merik everything they said, Safi still trusted her.

Safi knew Iseult was right, because Iseult was usually always right about this kind of stuff, whereas Safi just ran in and hoped for the best. Still, she trusted Stix completely, as stupid as it probably was.

Aeduan was Leopold's friend, and therefore his problem. Safi was going to tell him as much. It might be harsh, but she needed to take care of Vaness. One unwilling person was enough.

Safi made a mental list of pros and cons, and decided that it was totally worth it. Now she just needed to find a good website and place her order.

Ten custom jackets. Now Safi just needed to decide what they should say. It wasn't enough to just get matching jackets; They needed to be personalised. Needed to have hearts.

Safi opened up the group chat, looking for the suggestions of what the jackets should say. After scrolling up to reread the conversation they had about it, she still couldn't decide. It wasn't like anyone took the discussion seriously.

In the end, Safi knew she had to keep it subtle. And out of everything she wanted to put on a jacket, she chose the most obvious thing.

The jackets should be there by next week. Ten jackets, all the same, just different sizes. Safi was pretty sure she guessed the sizes accurately. And, if not, Caden could always help adjust them a bit.

They weren't very expensive. Turns out getting custom text on a jacket was easier than she thought too. She just hoped no one would ask about the fact that her jacket said Bribery & Corruption on the back.

Safi couldn't keep the smile off her face. This was a perfect, reckless plan.

Safi took her phone out and typed: love the smell of extreme probably unnecessary revenge so early in the morning. She sent a text to the group chat, revealing nothing other than the fact that she was up to something, but wasn't she always?

She didn't have to wait too long for responses.

Vaness: Safi, no

Iseult: I second that statement. What are you doing now?

Stix: Does it matter? She'll tell us eventually. And it'll be epic

Safi had to agree with that, at least.

Caden: We are not killing anyone, Safi, just so you know

Lev: I mean, depends on what you offer

Zander: We are definitely not killing anyone, Lev

Stix: I could work with murder if it's Merik. I'm friends with his friends though

Iseult: So... You're okay with murder if you decide who you murder? Saf, you're creating super villains

Lev: villains are cooler

Vivia: And there's not nearly enough female super heroes, which means we'd be mainly against arrogant men. That's a huge plus

Vaness: I made a mistake

Safi laughed out loud at the exchange. This group chat was the best thing she ever did. Well, maybe not the absolute best, but it was definitely up there.

Stix: So what I'm hearing is that the two of you will have my back if I rob a bank

Safi: Make that three

Aeduan: Nobody is robbing any banks

Lev: Not as of right now, but we totally could do it

Vaness: Safi, you are officially dead to me

Safi laughed out loud. Making Vaness go through all of this was hilarious on its own. She couldn't even begin to imagine what her reaction will be to the jackets.

Safi: Wait, don't bury me yet. You'll have much more anger-turned-energy for digging a hole when you find out what I have planned

Vaness: Safi, no

[x]

Vivia was fucking beautiful. There was nothing else to it.

She was absolutely beautiful. And based on their last conversation, maybe Stix actually had a chance. That, or she was just being self-centered.

She hoped that wasn't the case. Being self-centered meant being like Merik, which nobody would ever want. The thought itself made her feel sick.

Although, admitting she was self-centered wasn't like Merik at all, so maybe there was some hope for her.

But, Vivia was absolutely beautiful, and nobody could convince her otherwise. She was very much aware that she didn't know anything about her - she had told Kullen as much, too, though he hadn't been much help - but honestly, she couldn't help the flirting. She had no filter around pretty people, especially Vivia.

Vivia, currently, was waiting in line to get her food - at least a kilometre from the Bribery and Corruption table, which she began to refer to it as when she saw the name for the group chat. It was a fitting name, considering how many of their little group were, well, bribed or corrupted into joining the revenge plan.

Stix hated the distance between them, but it wouldn't last long. Before she went to get her food, Vivia had promised she would be back, so Stix was hopeful about that.

Hopeful enough to pay attention to most of the conversation going on, anyway. With Vivia in her line of sight, the only attention the Bribery and Corruption crew were going to get from her was forever going to be half-assed.

"I think we can safely say that the rumour we unleashed on Merik was successful," Safi stated in a business-like voice. Her business-like voice usually meant that she was planning something else, and that was almost enough to regain Stix's full attention.

Almost. She was still too busy staring at Vivia, and she was not ashamed go admit it.

"'Unleashed'," Iseult quoted with an eyeroll. Aeduan sat next to her, and they had been deeply engaged in their own conversation before Safi spoke and demanded everyone's attention. "Again, we aren't at war and we aren't 'unleashing' weapons on him."

Safi glared at her friend, though because they were so close, it really had no effect on Iseult. "Do I need to remind you that this is war and the rumour was definitely a weapon?"

"No," Iseult replied with a roll of her eyes. "I heard you the first few thousand times you said it."

"Good." Safi turned back to the rest of their group. "Does anyone have anymore ideas? We can't just leave it at one single rumour."

Lev raised a hand. Stix wasn't sure who Lev was, not really - all she knew was that she was a friend of Safi's and somehow part of the revenge plan. Stix wasn't sure how. "The offer to help hide his body is still up," she announced with a large grin. Zander, sitting on her right side, rolled his eyes.

Safi chewed on her lip, then shook her head. "Tempting, but no. Too risky. Anyone else?"

This time, Leopold spoke up. "Who else shares a class with him?" Stix reluctantly raised her hand, followed by Caden, Leopold, Aeduan and Vaness. Safi didn't need to do so - they all knew that their shared Geography class was the reason behind all this. "Great," he grinned. "When you get a task you have to do in groups or partners, make sure that everyone refuses to work with him."

"I like that plan," Safi announced, grinning back, but Vaness had another idea.

She rolled her eyes. "And how are we meant to do that? We don't posses the ability to control our peers' actions."

"If we did, there would be no revenge plan," Iseult pointed out. Stix wasn't sure what she meant - would there be no revenge plan because Iseult would control Safi and make her forget the revenge plan, or would Safi have controlled Merik and force him into staying silent during that one careful Geography class? Both options made sense.

God, if they could control the actions of the others around them, Stix would've made him shut up long before Safi would get the chance. Honestly, it would've saved her from being annoyed constantly in his presence.

But then again, if the hypothetical situation wasn't hypothetical, Stix wouldn't have had the chance to meet Vivia.

Vivia, who blushed whenever Stix sent a compliment her way; Vivia, who hated Merik just as much as she did, if not more. Vivia, who only had four more people to get past in the queue for food before she returned to the Bribery and Corruption crew.

Leopold sighed but he looked eager to explain. "Easy! Spread another rumour. Maybe Merik has a deadly, contagious disease. Maybe Merik shit his pants a few days ago. No one ever wants to talk to the guy who shit his pants."

"So, really, we're just spreading more rumours?" Aeduan frowned.

"Yes, but instead of feeling sorry for him, they're disgusted by him instead." Leopold grinned widely. "Perfect plan, no?"

Safi nodded eagerly. "I like that plan," she repeated. "Though, if we're to do this, make sure-"

"Attention please," a voice announced from the middle of the cafeteria. The voice was strangely familiar, but Stix couldn't place it - until the cafeteria gave a collective groan.

The school only ever got annoyed at one person at the same time if that person was Corlant.

Stix turned in her seat to see that she was right.

Corlant stood on a table in the middle of the cafeteria, wearing robes of black accentuated with dark grey cuffs that only just stood out against the black. He held a microphone close to his mouth in his left hand and a hard-cover book in the other - he always had his book with him. Stix assumed it was a Bible or another type of holy book, but, well, this guy was no Christian.

She, along with all the other students in the cafeteria, scowled at him. Who the fuck went around wearing robes? What the fuck?

"The time has come for you to repent," Corlant said, voice booming. He was far too confident for a guy everyone hated. "To repent for your sins! You are a plague upon this Earth. You are impure!"

Stix hugged, noting the constant 'you's and 'your's. Corlant was the damn plague upon the earth.

"Who the fuck gave this guy a mic?" Safi asked. She was loud enough for the Bribery and Corruption crew to hear, but not anyone else.

"Can we formulate a revenge plan for him, too?" Lev asked.

Corlant spoke again. "But do not fear! You can be pure again, with my help! I am the chosen one, the one-"

Stix had been paying enough attention to Corlant that she forgot about everything else, until she saw Vivia marching towards him. She could practically hear war-drums in the background as Vivia ripped Corlant's precious hard-cover book out of his hands with a force Stix didn't think she possessed before whacking him round the head with it. Vivia then proceeded to climb onto his table, hit him again with the same book, before shoving him off it.

Stix was too far back to see how he landed, but the whole cafeteria burst into cheers, including the Bribery and Corruption gang.

Vivia was beautiful. She was the most stunning girl Stix had ever seen, standing on that table with no expression but annoyance on her face.

Vivia was also the most confusing girl Stix had ever met. Vivia was shy, was quiet - definitely not the kind of girl to shove someone off a table after hitting them with a book twice. At least, that was what Stix gathered from their previous conversations.

Stix certainly didn't mind confusing, though. Not when it was Vivia.

Vivia headed back to the queue to resume waiting for her food, but the students before her moved out of her way, changing, "Down with purity! Down with Corlant!" Stix could just about make out how uncomfortable all the attention she was getting made her, and when Vivia got her food and sat next to Stix, she put her arm around Vivia's shoulders in what she hoped was a comforting way.

"You're a fucking adorable badass," Stix stated with a grin, loving the way Vivia's cheeks flushed red.

Safi cheered. "Hell fucking yes, Vivia! You are definitely corrupted."

Stix shot her a glare. "She is not corrupted."

*

Read Chapter Eleven here: Chapter Eleven

#The Witchlands #Truthwitch #Windwitch #Sightwitch #Bloodwitch #The Witchlands Fanficion #Safiya fon Hasstrel #Merik Nihar #Iseult det Midenzi #Caden fitz Grieg #Lev #Zander #Leopold fon Cartorra #Vaness #Vivia Nihar #Aeduan #Stix #Stacia Sotar #Bribery and Corruption #Corlant