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detectivenyx · 4 months

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2023 In Review

for me, 2023 just kind of... came and went. very quickly. i kind of wish it didn't.

there's been some horrific mental-health stuff, not aided by what's going on, both in my little corner of the world and across the world in general. i'll start with the negatives, so we can end on a positive note - that seems like a good outlook for the year.

there's obviously the horrendous situation with the writers and actors strike, where garbage studios think paying people for their hard-made art is very much an optional thing rather than fucking mandatory. yet in this year, warner bros, the company who's the most mask-off with their transphobia (still releasing HP stuff and hiring a TERF and sandy hook truther to voice one of the most well-known female characters in mortal kombat), releases a 2 hour toy commercial and gets heralded a Feminist Masterpiece for the same messages that Mean Girls and Legally Blonde had shovelled out two decades earlier. there's also just the countless fucking genocides. i'm hoping and praying that the victims of those genocides are not wiped out, even if i've acknowledged i cannot help directly.

but in addition, i think this year just sealed the deal for me about the cosplay community. i'm still routinely dragged to cosplay events - it's either that or be socially isolated for two whole months as it's all that gets talked about - and the local 'in-crowd' community is as garbage as ever. someone a close friend wanted to hitch a ride back towards the city with just. randomly started spouting anti-trans sports propaganda to us? she started complaining about trans women 'having a biological advantage' by being taller or whatever. the absolute second that this person was away from a transmasc friend and with two people she didn't fully know, she just assumed we were both cis and went full mask-off with transphobia, and that indicates to me that things have gotten worse since i left. i want to return to cosplay badly, but the fucking community just keeps letting shit like that slide, going to a con run by a neonazi and excusing it with 'it lets me see my friends!' like they've never learned how to plan an outing more than two weeks in advance before. ultimately it makes cosplaying barely worth it; it's an expensive hobby that now only for my own validation. there's no leftist cosplayers in queensland - only people cosplaying as leftists.

it also doesn't help that, off-topic, i am pretty sure i know my dad's care for me is hollow now; something happened in september to prove it to me. there's also the fact that this year introduced me to now having chronic back pain thanks to his neglect, and i don't think i'll ever get any sort of apology from him. and while probably the least-bad thing in the list, one of the more charismatic members of a channel i'd just got introduced to had sexually harassed a semi-guest of the channel.

that said: in newer spaces, and in general, i think things are looking up. the aforementioned channel kicked the sexual harasser, and re-structured so that it was unlikely to ever happen again. i joined up with a new group of people to play Blood on the Clock Tower in-person every month and online a few times a week - and quite frankly i would trust those people with my life. i think just having something to do that isn't a popularity contest has been healing. i'm not super close to the people there yet (or maybe im misjudging it? i don't know how healthy relationships irl work if i'm honest). sewing has been fun, as has finding out an interest in vintage patterns - i'm hoping in 2024 to actually make some of them. finding resources for free patterns (via mood.com - a really good resource, i've found) and having fun with the creation has also been fun, though my fabric stash is getting pretty full now thanks to my many trips to a second-hand fabric store. the last con of the year also wasn't all bad; really only cementing my decision to remove myself at the very end of the con day. i wouldn't have considered coming back at all if the con hadn't been a fun time; even getting to meet someone who was a fan of my youtube channel. a recent bout of hostility for a two-year-old video because someone decided to grift off it had given me doubts about my channel; bad or not, those videos are still fully mine, more than, say, somerton- sorry, i mean someone can say. but i think just being able to see someone, physically, who liked my videos, made it a lot better. (and i purchased a pronoun pin from them and the pin is super duper cute and they gave me a really cute sticker oh my god--)

so, rather than setting resolutions, i tend to set themes for years after seeing this video by SCP Grey that offers it as an alternative. this year was the Year of Education - a year where i did my best to focus on my learning and educational pursuits. at the start of the year i set myself three semi-goals that could change; to do my Master's in Arts, to keep learning Japanese, and to learn corsetmaking techniques.

i wound up re-joining my university in the middle of the year to do my Honours in Creative Industries, focusing on adapting social deduction games and their game theories into the design of a narrative. i'm a little behind on the narrative itself, but the articles i've read and the definitely-research-and-not-a-thinly-veiled-excuse-to-play-games have both been fascinating for me, both in how much theory is kind of just ableist bonkers nonsense and what thin bits of truth are actually present (in all people, deception requires more cognitive thought; there's usually either scriptedness or a very slight delay when someone's trying to deceive - which proved useful when i finally watched roblox_oof.mp3 and noticed both in mister tallarico's behaviour).

my education with japanese fell by the wayside - i got burned out trying to keep up my streak with moving house yet again, and just kind of did the bare minimum to keep up the streak and stay in the diamond league. i think some of my basics have gotten a bit stronger, but that's all.

with that said, i learned a lot more about making clothes over the course of the year! admittedly, i still struggle with making a skirt fit correctly (it is either severely too big for me even with elastic in the back, or just small enough to be uncomfortable in day-to-day wear) but i think i've created a bodice block that fits close enough. i've also kind of fallen in love with a second hand place sort-of near my house that sells a lot of vintage and second-hand fabrics for cheap, which is really useful as a seamstress living on unemployment who'd like to make All Of The Things. i did also make a corset this year, but aside from the busk, it used some really shoddy materials - i accidentally made the lining layer out of broadcloth rather than twill or herringbone and the outer layer was a polyester brocade and a polyester waist tape, meaning the entire thing was just. the itchiest fucking thing in the universe. (and i was wearing an underlayer, it didn't do much to help). i have materials to remake it, i've just been unsure how to go about it.

so that's been my year (alongside obscene amounts of baldur's gate 3). onto 2024 and the goals there!

#year in review #- nyx (they/she)

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fibing-and-vibing · 10 months

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Fibromyalgia skin care, body edition:

So, my skin is really bad lol. I’ve had a rash on my legs for over ten years, and every doctor and dermatologist I’ve ever gone to was super gaslighty about it. It was originally caused when I got several mosquito bites at once; the next day I woke up with hives that looked like I’d been bitten all over my body. From then on, they would flare up any time I experienced physical or mental stress. Which was often, bc I was in uni at the time lol. And then about five years later I got attacked by a swarm of wasps and was covered with stings, and the rash never went away again. So obviously this screams autoimmune issue, but doctors told me I probably had bedbegs (made no sense bc I slept with a partner who was unaffected, and had moved three times, but I cleaned every piece of fabric I owned anyways and it didn’t help,) that it would probably just go away bc my labs were normal (sure, that’s why it lasted for a decade,) and my fav, that I must just be scratching myself bc I have anxiety (lol.)

Anyways, I’d sort of given up on figuring out what was going on, and I’d never seen a pic that looked quite like my rash, until I got my fibro diagnosis. The doctor told me that my kind of rash was not uncommon, and when I googled it I saw pics that looked exactly like me. It was so validating.

But double ANYWAYS, over the years I developed a lot of skincare strategies to help with the situation since doctors wouldn’t. I see a ton of incorrect info/bad advice online about skincare, and specifically rash care. So idk how to get the word out about any of this lol, but if you’re reading this, and you have a weird rash caused by fibromyalgia, this is what worked for me after years of trial and error!

I’m organizing my routine into stages depending on how bad your rash is flaring up at the time, but when you’re ready to move onto the products and tools of a new phase, keep doing everything you were already doing as maintenance.

When the rash is really bad:

Bioderma atoderm cleansing oil ($$): this is a very gentle cleanser that’s PH balanced, very non-irritating if you have sensitive skin, even if it’s flaring up. Won’t cause additional flare ups.

Scrubby bath puff ($): everything online will tell you not to exfoliate if you have a rash, but that’s terrible advice!! Exfoliation is the only way to remove dead, damaged skin cells and encourage circulation and new skin cell growth!! You just need to be careful and use common sense. Put the cleansing oil on a little puff and use that, your hands aren’t good enough alone. You don’t need to press hard, just go in gentle little circles from your ankles up, wrists in, always towards your heart.

Bioderma atoderm intensive baume ($$): this is the body cream that goes with the oil cleanser, make sure it’s the intensive baume and not just the regular cream. Fixing and maintaining your moisture barrier is key! Use this twice a day: morning and night, or make one of those after you get out of the shower if you showered that day.

Polysporin gel ($): or neosporin or whatever antibiotic gel is available in your area, gel is my personal preference, I feel like it absorbs better. Use this on any open sores so they don’t get infected and heal faster.

When the rash starts healing a bit:

Frank Body original coffee scrub ($): once you have fewer open sores, using this to exfoliate once or twice a week will speed up the healing process sooo much. If it hurts to use, you’re not ready for it yet. It should feel soothing. Don’t overdo it though even if it feels good, twice a week max.

Shaving ($): obviously you don’t need to shave if you don’t want to, but shaving your legs, dermablading your arms, etc is another great way to exfoliate a layer of dead skin cells. It also allows products like the intensive baume to penetrate more easily and deeper into your skin since there’s not a layer of hair in the way. Once every week or two is plenty, shave around open sores and don’t do it if it hurts. You can use the cleansing oil to shave with in the shower.

Retinol ($-$$$): I like the one from the inkey because it’s $ and effective. Mix this in with the baume once a week and it will significantly improve your skin texture. Pointless to do this though if your rash is still active bc you’ll just get more spots, but once you’re on a healing trend it’ll help the process a lot.

Body massager ($-$$): I have a plastic one from Sephora. This is the one thing on this list that might be mostly in my head, but it feels really nice so that counts for something in itself. It’s supposed to help with circulation and lymph drainage, and if you use it after your other products it helps them absorb into your skin. Relaxing to do before bed.

When you’re mostly healed/trying to maintain, and also lessen the appearance of scars:

Dry brush ($): omg I love dry brushing so much. If your skin is mostly healed, this will drastically reduce the appearance of scars. Don’t press hard! Do the same as with the cleansing oil: sweep up from your ankles, in from your wrists, always towards your heart, with a lil swirl at your joints and lymph nodes. Start with once a week, gradually go to twice, eventually you can do it once a day but not until you’ve worked your way up to it. If you do it too intensely or too often it can backfire; I’ve had it aggravate certain areas, including scar tissue. But if you’re gentle with yourself it feels great and really encourages circulation, lymph draining, and new skin cell growth. Best done on totally dry skin before you get in the shower. Game changer.

Faded Topicals brightening and clearing mist ($$): this is a great chemical exfoliant. Topicals is a great Black-owned brand that uses really good ingredients. I find that any product designed for melanated skin is the absolute best for dealing with any kind of hyperpigmentation, including scars. Use this once a week, after the shower, and let it dry before putting on the baume; it helps over time. Only downside is that the packaging kinda sucks and starts leaking eventually, so hopefully they fix that bc it works really well.

Obviously if you have a chronic illness like fibromyalgia, the causes of your skin issues are internal, so make sure you’re also getting the right nutrients and keeping up with your stretching/exercise routine as best you can. There’s only a limited amount you can do with external interventions, so don’t get frustrated, and don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong! You’re not wrong and you’re not crazy, you know your body. Remember that having a routine at all is good for your brain, which is good for your stress levels, which is also progress. You’re doing a good job by controlling the parts that you can control; that’s all you can do, and it’s more than enough :)

#fibromyalgia #fibro things #fibrolife #chronic illness #chronic fatigue #chronically ill #mental health #self care #skin treatment #skincare #skin condition #actually disabled #disability #autoimmune #exfoliation #fibro flare #my routine #body care

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moroser · 1 year

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just journaling about my year and stuff. not doing that well but i’m also okay.

i try every year to make this time of year more bearable but it just is not. i feel like i spend most of december distracting myself in any way possible so i don’t have to confront anything from this month or the year ending, reminding me of a lot of my failures and sorrows and far-from-reach desires.

this year was not very good for me. i’ve been sick for four years now and still don’t know what’s wrong. my goals feel so unreachable but i made new ones this year. possible goals if i can manage to get through some obstacles, like feeling sick.

loneliness has been a strong feeling this year. it’s hard for me to make friends in general and i actually have none offline. i feel sad sometimes about that, but mostly just unlucky that all my online friends live so far away. i have a hard time around people because i feel so different from most. i tried to make new friends online this year but it feels like what always happens, no one really sticks with me. i feel very forgettable that way.

i realized this year i’d really love a girlfriend again!! but its hard to sort out how to even go about that. i’m older now. i’ve spent so much time alone. and i’m grey ace and i think aromantic. but i know i’d do so well with a life partner. someone who understood me and me them.

i feel so behind in life. i missed most of my 20s. almost all of them. i lost them to bad relationships, mental illness and addiction and chronic illness. ive always tried so hard. i’ve always been dealt unlucky hands and worked around it. but somewhere i lost any drive i had to help myself. i really truly wanted to die. i truly felt i deserved to die. i had planned to die, on this day. two different years. i don’t want to die anymore, but the feeling lingers.

i managed, somehow, to quit my addictions in 2017 and i have been sober all this time. i smoke weed, but i don’t consider that a huge issue, though i wish i smoked less lol. but i detoxed alone for a week in a basement, sweating and with chills, throwing up. i did everything related to my addiction in secrecy. no one around me knew and it just made me feel even worse. because no one around me has ever really cared i was there and i’ve always felt unwanted. and i just felt really invisible. i detoxed twice because the first time, i relapsed. almost checked into a center but i said no i can do this and so i did. i stopped drinking alcohol and i stopped drinking energy drinks all around the same time i quit opioids. i’ve been really proud of myself for everything related to recovering from this period in my life. it’s the strongest thing i’ve ever done for myself and i did it alone.

i’ve always done everything for others and worked hard for praise from adults in my life. i rarely got it. there are so many things that impacted my life negatively out of my hands that i will never get validation for. i’ll never get apologies for. it’s hard to swallow that a lot of the time. but at the same time, it feels like something i’ve always known and carried forever. i’m just aware enough now to really understand. i’m aware enough to know that you have to be your own cheerleader a lot of the time and i am so bad at that.

i found out this year, and this is actually hard for me to admit because of idk autistic reasons probably, that i want to have a baby. i want one child and it admittedly helps in driving me to fix things and get a career. i’m applying to school in january for spring classes to get everything going. it’s hard to do things for just myself. keeping this in mind, that i’m doing it for more than just me, helps.

my grandpa passed away in july this year. it was unexpected but also expected. he’d been battling heart failure for several years and already had lived many years passed his original prognosis. he died in his sleep, in the house he built himself and lived in for 60 years. my gran is devastated of course but stronger than i thought of her.

with his passing i moved into their house so i could take care of my gran. i already was taking care of them, but from my prior living space which was a dungeon. a prison. a horrible place. living with my gran has it’s stresses and difficulties but it will be better here, for me. and i hope for her. we have a really good relationship. besides my cousin she is my closest family relationship.

overall this year was not wretched. but it was mentally difficult. physically exhausting. and demanded a lot of my strength to keep going. but i’m on new medication, i have an easier time remaining positive overall. but man i feel like the saddest person ever. lol. i just feel so sad and lonely and i question what it is i did in a passed life to deserve how hard it’s been since forever. i’m 30 and so lost. i hope 2023 is a little better. i guess that’s all i can ask.

#t #personal #i am always at least okay right #tw suicide #its like talk about it and what not in here #tw addiction #no one has to read this ofc

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elytrafemme · 1 year

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actually im going 2 rephrase. im not against self diagnosis & im happy if my experiences can help other ppl figure things out & im sure im a hypocrite bc even my BPD thing is like... well u werent given a questionnaire and diagnosed professionally so none of the other stuff that went into this realization both on my and my therapists end matters. so its like im sure ppl think that im faking this too and by God i am scared that IM faking this lol.

but what i just get. upset by ig is like... i think bc im in the same shoes but like. sometimes u read info abt mental health disorders & the info is online and meant 2 distill the experience down to be easily understood and ppl are like ok! This Applies To Me bc ultimately every disorder at its basis relates to some kind of human experience it just gets amplified thats all the controversy with the dsm5 etc etc

and i know bc i did that! when i was trying to figure out what was wrong w me (and repressing any part of me that thought it was BPD) i looked into disorders and went Oh Shit Thats Me bc i wasnt looking at testimonials or actual diagnostic info or studies yet i was like. well this summarized version (still from a reputable source or primary source. thats important these arent like random ass websites right) makes sense to Me. i did this with bipolar because i knew i had depressive episodes and i kenw i had periodic hypomanic (which i think at this point is below hypomanic but still some sort of psychological manic response, its complicated i can explain if anyone cares etc) so i was like this is probably it! but when i actually figured out ok how does bipolar affect ppls lives how does it manifest across a WIDE sample i was like oh, no. this doesn’t really make sense at all.

and when u further deconstruct disorders as like... theres so much overlap and sometimes the traits that could be explained by X disorder are better explained by Y disorder bc to an extent these labels are ‘arbitrary’ (not the right word but u get it), you realize like ok. what im worried about IS valid but these arent the explanations.

this is all to say that i get it and im not upset at ppl for being in different stages of realizing that.

i think what upsets me is when i try to articulate 2 people like. here’s my experience w/ this right and its like, already so so hard to articulate bc how do i capture this in a way that doesnt raise alarm but is inherently alarming but without that element of risk it just sounds too abstract? it sounds very much non maladaptive when i try to take out the parts that are really really bad so even trying to explain why i act the way i act is extremely vulnerable. and then bc i cant explain it ppl are like “oh omg i do that too” or they do the far less favored “girl that’s normal” which ppl, actually do say to me.

and i dont like this idea of ‘trauma olympics’ or comparison or whatever but i do think to an extent its important to emphasize that like... a lot of symptoms are really intense versions of what a person may everyday experience heres a BPD related example right. everyone has had times where they are irrationally hating a close friend of theirs. ESPEC if that relationship is already complicated . so whenever i talk about splitting ppl are like no no thats normal or Oh yeah i get it.

but splitting isnt “i have a complex dynamic w a person i have heavy emotional investment with therefore sometimes i really hate them” and splitting isnt “me and my friend have this underlying tension and now i kind of want them dead”. splitting for me is like... i would throw away my entire future for someone bc there is no no way that anything they want could be morally wrong. and then in the next moment i am CONVINCED i have to kill them because they are immoral and deserve to be hunted down because they are manipulative and vile and abusive. and its the same person and this could be an ENTIRE fucking stranger, ive done this with ppl ive known for like. a total of an hour.

so its not like im trying to tell people like no you dont have BPD no you dont split etc. but its hard to say like. you dont get it. bc that makes people want to duouble down right!

but sometimes ppl dont get it. and it sucks bc i feel like im at a place where i HAVE to explain whats going on with me (tho ive resisted telling some ppl thank God) but whenever i do i regret it bc they very clearly do not get it and they’re trying but they like. make jokes about me being “actually a horrible person” or talk about how i need medication and its like. if you listened you would remember why i cant do that but at this point i dont think u listened i think the words went to your ears and you forgot what they all meant at all.

#nightmare.personal #DO NOT RB #long post

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northropi · 9 months

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this is terrible advice for anything except in retrospect, and even then i don't even know how right i really am, but i probably should have dropped out earlier. i'm probably gonna have to start making loan payments soon and frankly the job i have, which is pretty nice, seems like one i could have gotten on community college education- and meanwhile embracing my "get a real job" mentality during that time has kind of fucked me over royally. now that i'm not quite stable but getting there, art is sort of all i have emotionally, and, well, yeah i'm sorta in the worst art mood i have been in for a long time.

it doesn't help that we're sort of in a new generation of prodigies who are often too young to even be able to view the stuff i post, picking up modeling and code from an actual early age. yeah the TikTok ten-videos-at-once thing seems dystopian but frankly the kids are alright and i'm left envying that.

i have no portfolio. everything i've done outside of the last four years has been pen-and-paper sketches. while, like, yeah, valid, go traditional artists 'n' all, getting those online would be prohibitively complicated. Page after page to scan, page after page that's been rubbing together for years in a cheap sketchbook, my already faint linework rubbing away, eroding into nothing. so much must already be just lost to time. and in those four years, what have i done? not fucking much. Haven't been able to find the time, and when I find a bit I can't apply myself.

everything i do has an entirely different workflow as i try again and again to get somewhere fucking functional, and i've become acutely aware of how drawing for establishing concepts rather than for scenes and characters has left me with, and say that i'm good at <x> all you want it doesn't change the fact that i'm not good at <y> and <y> just so happens to be really fucking important, an extremely unbalanced skillset. i can't really draw the same thing twice- every drawing of a given character looks like a different fucking character. my perspective is wonky, and after that first attempt i don't know if i'll ever be able to do animation. and somehow i still have sameface issues!

writing dialogue comes out fucky because i can't make a character naturally sound like anything but myself, i don't know how basic shit like speech bubbles should look, there are huge gaps in my knowledge of the software, and, just, why was i not doing what i'm doing now seven years ago? fuck, why wasn't i on this site? i'd have been bopped by the porn ban probably but it'd have been good to have my foot in the door- i know i had a phase where i was all "ewww Tumblr" but i was never that bad.

i've often expressed when asked about how i think of my life that i've spent it. not doing things but on things. that it was consumed and given away in a transaction in hopes that i could start it later-but-better. and for all that life i spent, i was explicitly promised that the next phase of it would be easier. that really high school was harder than college and it was all just to test you, that the laid-back pace of university would be easier than my college once i transferred, and that jobs would be so easy to come by after university and so laid back that my life would be a breeze. each time was a lie- well, maybe it'd have gone better if i could have finished uni, but somehow i doubt that it'd fix my free time issue.

it was five years, and i proceeded to spend an additional two rotting at home. imagine if i spent those with some friends nearby, someone i could move out with on a basic job. nope. never made any. imagine if i had spent the years of unemployment at least being able to work on things- but no, i was being prodded at to get a job even in spite of diminishing returns, kept under so much stress that even on days where i had done my due diligence i couldn't focus. now i have a job, and it's devouring my time with the drive to get there and back, and this isn't even full hours yet. can't find the focus or time to get art done- but at least my high WPM and depressive episodes mean i can get bursts of writing done and look like a sadsack to the rest of the world, huzzah.

every day it becomes easier to look at something i admire and compare myself to it, but harder to learn from it. it's like i was born yesterday with nothing but snippets of trivia to my name- enough to let me fake it halfway through a Mechanical Engineering degree. and, yet, i feel old. i don't know how else to describe it. past my prime, like my brain isn't able to wire in new habits and like my time to work with what i have is sorely finite. i keep asking myself if life sorta just sucks- if anyone is able to really do anything off the clock or if all these people i want to be like are some privileged few blessed with more time than us dregs. and as for practice, hoooh boy, did i mention the family predisposition to dementia? how i suspect even my mother has succumbed to it at some point in her conspiracy rabbithole between the ages of 30 and 50? plus my liver being funny? the hole in my brain that's just fucking there? yeah i give myself until 50, and gonna be 26 in a month, so, shit, dude, at this rate, how much art can i do in my life? like being generous i'm halfway good, and it seems like i might be halfway dead, so doing the math i don't have a ton of hope.

at what point do i stop being stubborn and just comm someone better than me to do everything fuck

Anyways, yeah, like, between the stuff I took on in High School and higher education, that's, like, a decade of my life just... Poof. Gone. And now it's... maybe some background help I should be grateful for? But right now it feels like it wasn't fucking worth it. I could have made something. I could have really... Made something. Something not exactly real, but something good.

Do you know how deluded I was in that engineering phase? I thought I'd be designing planes just as casually as I drew them. I was aware on some level that I wasn't that good, but that lie of being gifted, it strung me along into thinking that, with enough training, I'd get there, because that's totally how the aerospace industry works. Oh, and working for fucking LockMart or some shit? No moral qualms there. Just like Gramps, the one you never knew because even your abusive mom considers him abusive, who worked on the T-28's ejector seat (a specific part of a modification to a preexisting design and he didn't even do that alone and yet your dumbass was just like "yeah I'll just build a plane from a sketch every week," you fucking megalomaniac), and then died in his house with his dog that always puked every time you saw it only like 10% lucid some months after threatening his social worker at gunpoint- yeah he's one of the dementia points btw.

You know how I feel? You know, like, shows, right, movies where the character isn't having a great time so they see a vision and it's like "wow glad that's not me!" It feels like there's some version of me out there that's, you know, starving artist, poor, wondering if she made the right choices, and she's looking at me right now, like, still pretty poor, but also fucking miserable and probably not gonna be remembered after she's gone, and looking at the genie or whatever the shit that brought her in like "wow! I appreciate my life much more now! Clearly artistic pursuits are worth pursuing over job security, even within the crushing confines of the capitalist system!" And like, Djinn, buddy, like, it's been 25 years in this weird AU you made to prove a point, doesn't feel like it sometimes, but can you do me a favor and just sort of merge this timeline back into that one so I don't have to see this through? Or, like, are you gonna show her my neglected, crumbling headstone too to really drive the point home?

Or maybe this is the good timeline, but that just raises further, darker questions.

...

I kinda want to believe I made the wrong choice, really.

#art #vent #rant post #morbid

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alyjojo · 11 months

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Advice to Work on Yourself 🪁 in June 2023: Aries

6 Swords - 4 Cups - 3 Pentacles rev

Regarding: 2 Cups

This one comes after you a little bit. I always ask for advice for your highest good, I assume it is. You’re in love with someone very deeply, and want another chance at this relationship, a fresh start. I’m guessing they’re not as receptive as they once were, because they’re recognizing a toxic cycle that they’re ready to walk away from. This doesn’t blame you entirely, it just holds you accountable for your role. I’m sure they have their own irritating bs too, but this reading isn’t for them so you probably won’t see much of that side of things 🙏

6 Swords is moving away from chaos into calmer waters, and to do that you need to move away from heavy burdens, and a constant attitude of dissatisfaction. Two cards here are representing chores, repairs, laundry, sweeping, grunt work, that sort of thing. There’s a micromanaging energy here, some aspect of control with The Devil, and a toxic cycle of never being pleased with anything. This is what’s causing a lack of cooperation, and a nasty cycle of arguments, maybe competition. Who has what job? Who is doing more than who? Perhaps placing value on effort for one’s priorities that don’t match the other person’s. There is a constant defensiveness in you, especially relating to communication. This person can’t even talk to you without you getting up in arms up on some pedestal ready to die over…who washed the last fork? That’s the example I’m getting.

7 Wands rev shows the defensiveness is over trivial things and you don’t really have a leg to stand on…except to push this person away, or cause them to do petty shit in response with 5 Swords, they’re not just going to lay down and take it. This has turned into a cycle, a toxic one, that will eventually destroy your connection if it is not consciously realized by both parties, and healed, which requires daily effort, as well as maybe finding some online support groups that deal with the same things. Louise nods in that direction, you aren’t the only couple to argue about this kind of stuff, it’s almost normal 💯 But also be careful not to compare your lives to others, similarity is not same. With your advice cards, all of them are leaning towards “worry about yourself”, improving you, “fixing” you. Your discontent, your issues, the way you speak, the things you say, your moods, your responses, your side of things. 2 Cups is reciprocity, mutual, this person loves you too. If you’re trying, they’ll try too, but right now they feel like they can’t even work with you, or talk to you about anything with substance. It gives “you’re starting it”. You can’t be pleased. Spirit is saying “please yourself.” Because that’s not their job, but yeah they can do their part & wash some dishes or whatever this is. There is a guy called “Jimmy on Relationships”…TikTok I think but other places too I’m sure. He talks a lot about these subjects & could be helpful for both of you to watch and feel validated.

Animal Oracle: Cardinal ❤️

“The polarities of your spiritual pursuits and physical pleasures are out of balance, so do whatever is necessary to bring them back into equilibrium.”

When on the spiritual path, it’s easy to idealize what being spiritual means. It can become a rigid mental imprint on which you judge anything that varies from your conceptualization of what “being spiritual” is supposed to be about. This includes not only another person’s practices and beliefs, but your own. Falling short of this idealism leads to either assuming a righteous and arrogant position with others, or when self-imposed, elicits guilt or shame. This spiritual perfectionism can make you reticent about enjoying the pleasures of the material world, as well as those of your physical body. The Earth provides a dazzling and sensual panorama of experiences to be directly encountered through the physical senses.

Yet for many, truly enjoying the pleasures of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell can be fraught with worry, anxiety, guilt, and shame - products of early childhood religious and/or cultural conditioning. Others become so entangled in the world of the senses that it becomes their god, and their spiritual core is lost to materiality. To be polarized in one direction or another takes you either to lofty heights and iridescent abstractions that are completely ungrounded, or else causes you to become caught up in the glue of the mundane world without the guiding light of Spirit to provide a locus of authority. With the blessing of your awareness, you can redirect your thoughts and actions toward that which brings greater balance and fluidity between the two polarities.

Artist Oracle: LOUISE BOURGEOIS

- Remembering through art is better than forgetting.

- An inference is worth a thousand appendages.

- Draw on private pain to connect with the public.

Advice:

- Test the Job Market

- Try Healthy Alternatives

- Improve Your Conversation Skills

Charms:

Lollipop 🍭 on Queen of Cups shows this person’s typical nature as very sweet, so if they haven’t been sweet, and have been 5 Swords level of vicious…what could they be feeling to act in this way, when that is not their typical way of behaving? It’s definitely out of character for them, and a response to a lack of cooperation, this toxic cycle they keep going round and round and round. Why do you love this person? Who even are they, do you know? You know your side well enough, what is theirs?

Apple 🍎 on Judgement follows the Queen, and this charm is about learning. If you want a new opportunity to heal a relationship with this Queen, you have to learn who she is, who you are, what she values, needs, and wants, and all those same questions for you. They will not be you, and you cannot be them, but you can work together to learn each other and value each other’s contributions to the whole of the relationship - 3 Pentacles upright.

Hamsa Hand (up) 🪬 on Louise is necessary protection from negativity, evil thoughts and behaviors, mirroring The Devil energy. This card shows a picture of a giant spider hovering over this woman’s head. This is being shown as your arsenal of negative judgements, soap box rants over nothing, dissatisfaction, snide comments and behaviors perhaps, which I’m describing via 7 Wands rev & 5 Swords. This doesn’t make you happy, or work, so why do you do it?

Anchor ⚓️ on 4 Cups could be a reason why. You don’t like to feel secure? For long? Forever? You feel like you have a huge weight on your chest? Or 10 Wands on your back, weighing you down? Clearly you’re under a lot of pressure, and also need help. You also feel like they don’t cooperate with you, you’re mirroring each other in that way. Rather than help each other you just argue and create dramas over probably minor things, but they’re the wrong things on the wrong days. Could be them too, both/either sides. If you’re not happy being tied down, free yourself. If you want another chance, get with the program, start fresh and be willing to purge the old & relearn. Them too. Just stop repeating this same cycle.

Unicorn 🦄 on Test the Job Market could be a hint towards something great on the horizon for you, but you aren’t looking. This is magical manifestation type of energy, you never know. This is also showing you making you a priority is a good thing and will lead to even better things. You don’t have to sacrifice every bit of yourself for another person. Neither do they. It’s a team of two individual people. I don’t get that it’s not possible, but what do you want?

#aries tarot reading #advice to work on yourself #June 2023 #Aries #tarot #free reading

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spirallingdownwards · 2 years

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Day Zero

I'll be very straightforward - I'm in a bad mental health place and, like many other people around the world sadly, I can't afford therapy. Not at the present moment.

I didn't make a priority of it when I *could* afford it, mostly because I wasn't truly aware of how much I needed the external help, how important it could be to me to feel validated (you're not being a drama queen, your feelings are valid, etc). What a huge difference it could make.

I had a brief experience with a therapist back in late 2019. My mother died (it was sudden and a bit traumatic) and some months after that, after emptying the family home etc, I was left alone with my thoughts, the metaphorical cup overflowed and I just... shattered.

That therapist helped a bit in the 'validation' aspect of things - but it didn't go well, not quite, and I eventually started making excuses to drop from our sessions because something didn't feel quite right; I realized I wasn't being honest with her. I realized I was pretending, ignoring my real demons to focus only on the positive little things that didn't matter as much (and would most likely be temporary anyway). I realized I was attending therapy with a mask on, and that if I couldn't be honest with my therapist and with myself, the whole exercise was rather pointless and the "sacrifice" of going through it (because it felt like one to me), meaningless.

So I quit. Not in an upfront and assertive way, mind you: I quit by ommission, slipped away in the middle of the pandemic chaos like a cowardly ghost. Because that was March 2020 and as the world was turning upside down, I used the first lockdown and covid panic as an excuse to retreat back into my shell. Bad decision probably, but I didn't see any other way to deal with how I was feeling at the moment.

I have to say that they never checked, either - from the therapist's office I mean - and that was probably a bit of a sign by itself, a red flag even. But then, I had managed to trick her into thinking that I was doing okay(ish). That I was not depressed anymore, that I was back to being a perfectly functional human being with only a few small issues left, mostly a bit of a tendency towards anxiety and basically because I lacked self-confidence. All lies (except the last bit about self-confidence - that one is true).

Fast forward two years and I'm still struggling, but my struggle is significantly different - not sure if better or worse, but definitely different. I've learned more about myself, for one; I'm very confident at the moment that I fall somewhere within the neurodivergent spectrum, and I'm trying to educate myself on that front. There are lots of resources online, but I’m not gonna lie - it can be a bit overwhelming. The crazy amount of information you find, the so many experiences to read about, the many tests you can take. After months of growing confusion and worry watching all those ADHD/ADD and ASD videos online and realizing I relate to way too many of them for it to be a quirky coincidence, I knew the time had come for me to look into the matter more seriously - because suddenly, so many things in my life started to make more sense. I’m not getting any younger, I need answers and I'm gonna get them, however I can. Because being diagnosed as a woman or AFAB person nearing 40 can be difficult, but I need to do this for myself and future me, whatever time left I have.

And as explained in the about page (that I'm going to write as soon as this thing is posted), I expect that keeping a journal of sorts will make me feel less alone while walking this path. Hopefully will also help documenting my progress and connecting my thoughts. So... let’s start.

#depression #anxiety #long term depression #LTD #ADHD #mental health #attention deficit disorder (add)#autism spectrum disorder #self diagnosed autism #self diagnosed adhd #mental health journey #neurodivergencies #neurodivergent #post: about

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sepublic · 3 years

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Forgive me for being such a sentimental bleeding heart, but… I really do wish and hope that Marcy can stay friends with Anne and Sasha, when this is all said and done!

I just… Think it’s so SAD and cruel and unfair, that Marcy ends up ultimately losing her friendship with the girls, BECAUSE of what others outside of that dynamic did. Because of her parents planning to move without any regards to Marcy’s feelings, and how that kickstarts her desperation, not to mention Andrias manipulating her… And it sucks. It really sucks that Marcy’s parents just don’t care about her friendship with Anne and Sasha and threaten to separate that by moving… And by attempting to hold onto that, Marcy still loses that friendship.

If she just quietly went with her parents- Then Marcy would’ve lost that friendship. If she’d went ahead with the music box, she’d STILL lose that friendship. It’s just so… Painfully cynical and it gives me the message that no matter what Marcy did, some outside force would’ve unfairly ruined that for her, isolating the poor girl without her input. And, sure… If Marcy had moved away, she could’ve kept in touch with Anne and Sasha online, and through phone calls…

But still, it’s just heartbreaking to me. It’s all just indicative of her lacking agency and being manipulated, and having no one to turn to… So having her efforts to hold onto her connections in the real threat of losing them, for reasons that aren’t her fault, resulting in an even more permanent loss of those connections; It just feels almost mean-spirited to me. Like she’s being punished for rightfully wanting to hold onto that, for being thrown into situations that enable the worst out of this clearly ND kid -especially with the prophecy and Andrias’ manipulations in mind- and making the ‘wrong’ choice that she was still MEANT to take anyway!

It doesn’t even sadden me as much that Marcy messed up, so much as the fact that… She was in that kind of desperate and isolated, mental and emotional state, to feel like resorting to such actions in the first place, because people don’t do bad actions for fun; Actions Marcy didn’t even realize would’ve actually WORKED, like the music box… And then there’s her, a child, being deliberately manipulated by the adult she trusted, and I really can’t fault her for that at ALL. And we saw, we KNOW that Marcy is willing to quickly change and adapt and respond to her own mistakes; She helps Anne and the others fight Andrias ASAP! This contrasts with Sasha, who DOES somewhat admit her faults with Anne…

But, she still kind of relapses into her old habits. And granted, that partly comes with Sasha having her own emotional stake with Grime and his desires, but manipulating Anne was a step too far. It just messes me up that the one person who actually wanted Amphibia, who fully accepted and whole-heartedly embraced it from the start… Is the one who gets the least, if not nothing, and practically loses it all! Marcy saw everything to gain in Amphibia, every little detail to appreciate and pay attention to, down to stuff like the little seeds; But not only does she not gain anything, she LOSES things like friends and trust and innocence…

Marcy was really the girl most in need of friendship and new bonds she could trust in; So it hurts that of course she’s the only one that never got that! She wanted to keep her friends, but only lost them and then never made any to make up for it. It’s clear that Marcy thinks she has nothing to offer of value, so to basically die thinking she’s worthless and only causes problems, to be used for ONLY a purpose and then tossed aside and murdered like trash by Andrias… UGH it hurts!

She really needed someone to tell her that she’s good for things, and/or that Marcy doesn’t need to justify herself in a relationship. Anne and Sasha had their whole schtick with being protectors and they still have it with the Plantars and Grime, though how healthy this is, is up for debate… But Marcy, well. She said it herself to Anne; She doesn’t think she has anything to offer, nothing useful! That she’s just sort of THERE… Marcy really admires her friends, which makes her own self-perceived deficiencies when comparing herself to them, all the more painful!

She just didn’t want to lose them, because Marcy feels like she needs them more, than they need her; Especially with Anne and Sasha having their own thing, having their own agency that makes them stand up to one another and fight… But I feel like arguably, Marcy did the least harm of the girls, alongside Anne?

But instead she dies thinking she did EVERYTHING wrong, that her own death is even her own fault, that she’s caused an irreparable kind of damage and pain that’s totally for herself to be blamed on… Marcy had Anne and Sasha doing things for her, so of course she jumps at the thought of doing things for Andrias, for helping her friends, and then she dies thinking she’s no longer useful nor desired, that she’ll probably be forgotten.

Ah, well… At least the last few months of Marcy’s life had been incredibly happy for her, maybe the happiest of her life up until that point; She was at least under that impression, and under those valid feelings for it. Where everything was going right, she really began to feel like her own person that was valued in Newtopia, without Anne or Sasha, not quite NEEDING them, but still wanting them, and having that validated when they returned to her life…

Just thinking about the tragedy of Marcy Wu, it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to look at this poor girl who lost so much, who just wanted to hold onto it, who barely had any agency… She wanted and needed the most of the girls, she welcomed and was most open, so why did she get the least, and suffer the most for it? I really wish Marcy had met Valeriana instead, like some fans had speculated…

For this girl who’s been tossed and whirled around, beaten repeatedly by her circumstances; I just want her to find someone who will step down, embrace her, and protect her. Tell Marcy that her feelings are valid, that SHE’s valid, and actually take care of and provide for her in a way that she needs. Someone she feels safe towards and can trust to be herself, loneliness and all, around, and count on them to help her even in the worst times, and to never leave.

#amphibia #amphibia spoilers #amphibia marcy #marcy wu

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ms-demeanor · 4 years

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While I appreciate that you want a person to live, have you considered that you are just another person who has refused them help? Sometimes it doesn’t get better. For how many years, and from how many people, is a person supposed to be ok with being dehumanized before it is ok for them to throw the towel in?

Telling someone what caliber of gun is most likely to kill them so they can start a savings fund for it isn’t helping; refusing to respond to that with anything other than mental health resources isn’t refusing to help.

But okay we’re going to have the It Gets Better talk.

I am almost thirty four years old. I’ve been getting treated for depression for literally more than half of my life. I have spent even MORE of my life than that kind of wishing that I was dead and occasionally REALLY wishing I was dead and sort of getting off my ass to do something about it. I have the standard CSA/multiple rape survivor Oh No The Trauma backstory and spent the last *nine* years living with an emotionally abusive relative who had recently taken to tracking my activity by filming me in my home.

I kind of hate “it gets better” narratives because you know what, sometimes life is shit and it doesn’t really get all that much better. Sometimes things are bad and the only thing that gets you out of the abuser’s house is the fact that your partner nearly died. Sometimes everything sucks and it sucks for a long time and there’s no end of the suck in sight.

I have friends who are chronically, degeneratively ill. I know “It Gets Better” doesn’t really help them because they aren’t going to get better. They’re going to stay sick, they’re going to keep hurting, and in a lot of cases things are going to get worse.

So “It Gets Better” kind of rubs me the wrong way. I’d like to reframe it.

You get better at dealing with the bullshit.

Sometimes your situation doesn’t improve but how you approach it does. You may be stuck in the same shit but dedicating less mental space to caretaking an abuser’s emotions. You may still be dealing with daily pain but you’ve gotten to know what triggers it and what to avoid. You may be stuck in a miserable, terrifying situation and have a rich and thriving community of fanfic authors you talk to when shit gets to be too heavy.

The people who “it gets better” narratives tend to be really helpful for are young people who don’t have any autonomy who are close to being old enough that they’ll finally get to make some choices about their lives.

It’s harder dealing with feeling trapped as an adult because you can’t generally escape the things that are trapping you by living in a college dorm or getting an apartment with a bunch of roommates or coming out because you may have already done those things OR you may be in a place where those things aren’t possible for you.

So what do you do?

Well, for starters instead of saving up money for the best kind of gun to kill yourself with save up money for something stupid and funny that you like. Save up money for a tattoo, save up money for an arcade-size DDR cabinet and pads, save up money to buy a camera to make a youtube channel of you doing bad cover songs. (And if you don’t have money to save up then take up a free hobby; if you’ve got access to the internet to send me anons about how to kill yourself you’ve got access to the internet to use AO3 and I strongly recommend you start writing self-insert fic where you get to hang out with the cool fictional characters you like because it’s sort of like maladaptive daydreaming but people will stop by and say nice things about it and you feel validated when the numbers go up)

If you *can’t* fix your situation (because you live in a country that doesn’t recognize your gender, because you’re poor and have to live with people who hurt you, because you’ve got such deep and overwhelming anxiety that making the change seems impossible, because you don’t want to abandon someone more vulnerable than you to the bad situation) then do something, ANYTHING, that you and you alone are in charge of. You’re in charge of your bad cover songs youtube channel. You’re in charge of the smiley face tattooed on your ass. You’re in charge of what happens in your totally self-indulgent, fluffy, found family fic.

Find one thing, ONE THING, that allows you to assert your autonomy and everything gets a lot easier from there because A) you’ve got proof you can do something for yourself and B) you’ve now got something to fall back on when you ask yourself “why do I keep going?”

You keep going because you like your gender affirming roleplay group online. You keep going because you want a horrible butterfly tattooed on the other ass cheek. You keep going because you want to see how many kudos the next update gets.

And while you’re doing all of that you’re making a plan.

Let’s not kid ourselves here, suicidal people are GOOD at making plans. Not at keeping them all the time, but good at making them.

So you plan to get out.

You might not *keep* that plan but if you can sit and fantasize about eating a gun so that the pain will stop then you can sit and fantasize about buying a plane ticket or running away or looking for a different doctor so the pain will stop.

Do the little things that you can do. Write fic, go fishing, fold paper cranes, take long walks by yourself, pet a cat, get a tongue piercing, read a book. Do the little things that you can control, that you enjoy, that you do just for you.

And while you’re doing that think about the train you’re going to take to leave, how much nicer the nurses will be at the new doctor, how great it’s going to feel to dress in a way that feels right.

And even if it doesn’t work and you’re stuck living with a shitty abusive harpy who screams you awake and makes you have panic attacks whenever you hear her moving around the house you’ll get better at dealing with the bullshit. You’ll build up a space for you in your head where the bullshit isn’t there.

And then maybe someday the outside matches the inside. Maybe your friend needs a roommate, maybe you get a job that pays better, maybe a new medication is released. You don’t know for sure that it’s going to happen, there’s no guarantee it’ll happen, but at least if it doesn’t happen you’ve carved out a little space for yourself where you can survive.

ALSO

I know that a huge number of suicidal people are suicidal because they feel helpless.

One way to IMMEDIATELY make yourself feel less helpless is to help someone else. Here’s an app where you can give visual assistance to blind and low-vision people: https://www.bemyeyes.com/

The world is shitty and everything sucks and sometimes you can’t make your own situation better, but you can write video and image transcriptions on tumblr and maybe that’ll cheer someone else up.

Anyway, it’s not up to me to say when anybody else has had enough, but I figure you shouldn’t try to kill yourself until you’ve gotten a stegosaurus in an admiral’s hat tattooed on your thigh or something because who knows, that could be the thing that makes you feel better enough to keep going and if you’ve put up with the pain and bullshit this long what do you have to lose by putting up with it a little longer?

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polyadvice · 3 years

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I have a lot of relationship anxiety, and nothing I try is soothing it

as of about 5 months ago, I entered into a poly relationship with my best friend and her boyfriend. Since starting the relationship, we've agreed to become a triad, so her boyfriend is now also my partner.

I'm basically really struggling with relationship anxiety. I'm trying to be quite proactive about it both with myself - journalling, practicing mindfulness, using CBT to interrupt harmful thought patterns - and with both of them - telling them how I feel, when I'm anxious, what I need when I need it. But I still get this feeling like I'm going to be feeling anxious forever? It's hard finding advice online that relates to specifically poly relationships.

This isn't my first poly relationship, and it's weird because in my previous one I didn't get any of this anxiety. I think, strangely, it might be because this one is actually healthier than the last? We have scheduled meetings, we discuss the relationship often, which I never have before. Although I know it's good and valuable, sometimes bringing up something I need or have been thinking about fills me with dread. I do try and push through that, in a kind of exposure therapy way, but I feel bad because every time I bring something up I end up crying. I know it's important to work through that, but often these situations just compound on my anxiety in the heat of the moment - not only am I anxious about whatever I'm bringing up, but also anxious about myself crying and perhaps making my partners feel guilty about whatever I'm asking for, perhaps forcing themselves into something they don't want.

I trust both my partners and one of the mantras I come back to again and again is that if there was something wrong they would tell me. And that it's not all my responsibility to make this relationship work - all I can do is be honest about how I'm feeling and trust they will be too. But at times the anxiety feels really all-consuming and I get this feeling like it's kind of ruining the relationship.

I suppose my question, after all of this, is whether anyone else has any experience with relationship anxiety within poly relationships? Does it get better? I feel like I'm flying blind. And although I know I can talk to my partners about it, and I do, I think I’m feeling a need for a space or conversation outside of the relationship because of what I mentioned before about compounded anxiety.

There’s a lot of advice out there about how anxiety is made worse by avoiding the thing that makes you anxious, and there’s also a lot of advice out there that says you should bring things up with your partners and talk through them in order to resolve problems like this.

It sounds like you’ve been getting, and taking, a lot of that advice, so I won’t repeat it here. I do want to give you MAJOR kudos for doing all this self-work, for not letting your anxiety hold you back from important relationship conversations, for using CBT and mindfulness and all those other tools. Definitely keep doing that, and be proud of yourself for doing it!

At the same time, there is such thing as “too much of a good thing.” In some cases, an over-emphasis on “processing” and “talking things out” can make a problem worse rather than better. It’s possible that having scheduled meetings and feeling like you need to hash out and give voice to every single negative emotion is causing you to ruminate on them more than necessary. Sometimes it’s okay to just let feelings and experiences pass without giving language to them, constructing a narrative around them, and seeking solutions or reassurance or validation after the fact.

So, if you think it would help, consider scaling back on all these conversations - not because you are indulging your anxiety, but just because they might not be all that necessary. See what it’s like to just let the relationship be what it is, and bring things up organically as you feel they need to be addressed rather than scheduling meetings. (If you think this advice is off base, feel free to ignore it!)

Also, one key thing to note that if you are dealing with this sort of chronic, long-term anxiety that doesn’t seem to go away even when you’re doing everything right - engaging in healthy behaviors, cultivating healthy relationships - that is exactly the sort of situation that medication was meant for! You might not be able to Mantra and Mindfulness your way out of this, nor do you have to. This might not be an issue with polyamory or your relationships at all, and you can find support outside of focusing on How To Be Better At Polyamory By Brute Force. Consider working with a mental healthcare professional to find ways to make things easier on yourself.

If you find yourself crying during hard conversations, but you don’t want your partners to focus on your crying and feel like it distracts from the issue you’re trying to discuss, you can also write them letters or emails to express things. That way you can say what you want to say without having to worry about managing your emotional reactions. A lot of people emphasize the importance of “face to face” conversations, but it sounds like these scheduled meetings and frequent emotional check-ins are making things harder, not easier, for you. See if it works for you and your partners to chat more casually over a text-based platform or for you to share writing with them that expresses how you feel.

Another piece of advice I have is, if you are going to keep having these structured discussions, try to set goals or intentions for the conversation going forward. If you’re not asking them to change anything about their behavior, but you just want to share your feelings and be heard, state that up front. If you are asking a specific question you want an honest answer for, or if you are bringing up a problem you want to find a solution for, let them know. Don’t just set aside an hour to talk about feelings and relationship stuff, and then spiral around and around. I’ve seen this happen a LOT, and even with the best of intentions, it tends to cause more problems than it solves.

Finally, you asked if anyone has experience with this and whether it gets better: I can only speak for myself, but I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (a pretty severe case, too) and I can tell you that, yes, this type of anxiety is possible to manage. It is not, however, fully manageable or treatable by focusing on it in lots of relationship conversations. Sometimes, paradoxically, the harder you try to solve a problem like this, the worse it gets. You also need some distractions, self-soothing techniques, and just fun quality time with yourself and your partners. You might also need therapy (not focused on your relationship, but for anxiety management in general) and medication.

As for finding places to talk about this outside of your partners, that’s a great idea - a place to vent, process, ask questions, etc. without placing extra demands on the relationship. I’d recommend checking out some online spaces for polyamorous people (you can find some here.) However, know that anxious or negative thoughts can be reinforced by going over them multiple times, describing them, sharing them with others, etc. So be very careful about how you spend your time in these communities. Are you mostly expressing your painful thoughts, hanging out in the “vent” channels, and giving language to your anxiety? Or are you seeking friendship, connection, and advice?

In general, my advice is to try and let go of your anxiety-about-your-anxiety. Stop treating it like a problem that can be solved with more time, more attention, and more work. Lean in to the things that make you happy in this relationship, and know that you don’t have to ‘address’ every anxious feeling. Find ways to make these relationship conversations easier for yourself (set intentions, do things in writing, scale back on them) and trust your future self to handle things as they arise.

#anxiety #mental health #polyamory and mental health #polyamory #relationship advice

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ahiddenpath · 2 years

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Life Talk

Discussion of the invasion of Ukraine beneath the cut.

So it feels weird to be on here, my cute lil digimon blog, when people are being killed and cities are burning in Ukraine. Part of me is like, wtf am I doing here? Another part thankfully knows that sacrificing my writing/drawing/chatting with people means sacrificing slices of mental health, which won’t help anyone in Ukraine. I’m told there are things that can be done to help- this gets linked around a lot, but I don’t know how to verify anything. If anyone has tips for verified and effective places to donate as an American, I’d really love to hear them.

Listen, there’s been a lot of global violence in my lifetime. I’m not sure if I can agree when folks say, “This is the first time x has happened in y time allotment!” I’m pretty sure when that is said, they mean, “in Europe,” ie, “a place we care about.” So part of me is like- wait am I hypocritical for being so concerned about this thing, when others before them went over my head at the time? Have the disasters come so frequently so fast that I’m just dizzy now????

It doesn’t matter how I feel, of course, I’m (comparatively) safe and far away in the states. But I’m in a hobby that lots of artists work in, and for all of its faults as a country, Russia is one of places that most supports/cultivates/reveres the arts. I’ve been following so many people who produce art for another hobby of mine for... sheesh, over ten years. And now I see them either showing live footage of protests in Russia, where they could be arrested, or Ukraine footage showing burning buildings, striking missiles, bloody civilians, and enemy tanks rolling down the street outside of their homes. One artist I love in Kyiv sent daily updates to show what was happening and tell us she was okay- until yesterday, when she shared that she, her toddler, and her aged father were fleeing to Poland, while her husband remains in Ukraine to fight.

Don’t ask me why, but after days of watching all of these live clips, what finally made me break and cry was a video of an another artist showing that she and her pet rabbits got out of Ukraine and arrived safely in Poland. I lost it. Why this, and not the long string of unimaginable things before it? God, I don’t know.

And of course, the Russian attack on the Ukraine power plant- The absolute disregard for the planet and everyone on it-

I have a friend who was in the US Army for years. He called me the first day of the war, extremely disturbed- this enormous man whose job was to slam doors open with his body and enter new rooms first, whom I’ve never seen frightened. He was calling all of his friends and loved ones to tell them he loved them. That pretty much set the tone for me (of how serious and dangerous this is), and meanwhile I’m seeing all these memes about how badass the Ukrainians are, which is true, and we all cope with things however we can, but god, it’s really really really really bad, and I feel like no one physically around me is acknowledging that???? But like, what can we do?? Sort of deal?

If you’re struggling, that’s valid. If you’re leaning hard on your fun hobbies, that’s valid. If you can spare donations to help Ukrainians, please do, and I would love to hear where you’re donating.

Although again, it feels like I’m staring at a cute little digimon screen and ignoring the massive fire around me as I type this, I’m not going to discuss current events here without a proper warning up top, like on this post, and I doubt I’ll be doing it much. I’m in this particular spot to have fun, and I don’t think I have any real insight to offer. It’s awful and that’s all I know, and I hope you’re all safe and... you know, keeping it together. Please take care of yourselves.

Love,

Hidden

ETA: I just received word that my other Ukraine artist online acquaintance (with the son and elderly father) made it safely to Poland! I am so relieved!

#hidden's life

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shortnotsweet · 3 years

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Bakudeku: A Non-Comprehensive Dissection of the Exploitation of Working Bodies, the Murder of Annoying Children, and a Rivals-to-Lovers Complex

I. Bakudeku in Canon, And Why Anti’s Need to Calm the Fuck Down

II. Power is Power: the Brain-Melting Process of Normalization and Toxic Masculinity

III. How to Kill Middle Schoolers, and Why We Should

IV. Parallels in Abuse, EnemiesRivals-to-Lovers, and the Necessity of Redemption ft. ATLA’s Zuko

V. Give it to Me Straight. It’s Homophobic.

VI. Love in Perspective, from the East v. West

VII. Stuck in the Sludge, the Past, and Season One

Disclaimer

It needs to be said that there is definitely a place for disagreement, discourse, debate, and analysis: that is a sign of an active fandom that’s heavily invested, and not inherently a bad thing at all. Considering the amount of source material we do have (from the manga, to the anime, to the movies, to the light novels, to the official art), there are going to be warring interpretations, and that’s inevitable.

I started watching and reading MHA pretty recently, and just got into the fandom. I was weary for a reason, and honestly, based on what I’ve seen, I’m still weary now. I’ve seen a lot of anti posts, and these are basically my thoughts. This entire thing is in no way comprehensive, and it’s my own opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. If I wanted to be thorough about this, I would’ve included manga panels, excerpts from the light novel, shots from the anime, links to other posts/essays/metas that have inspired this, etc. but I’m tired and not about that life right now, so, this is what it is. This is poorly organized, but maybe I’ll return to fix it.

Let’s begin.

Bakudeku in Canon, And Why Anti’s Need to Calm the Fuck Down

There are a lot of different reasons, that can be trivial as you like, to ship or not to ship two (or more) characters. It could be based purely off of character design, proximity, aversion to another ship, or hypotheticals. And I do think that it’s totally valid if someone dislikes the ship or can’t get on board with his character because to them, it does come across as abuse, and the implications make them uncomfortable or, or it just feels unhealthy. If that is your takeaway, and you are going to stick to your guns, the more power to you.

But Bakudeku’s relationship has canonically progressed to the point where it’s not the emotionally (or physically) abusive clusterfuck some people portray it to be, and it’s cheap to assume that it would be, based off of their characterizations as middle schoolers. Izuku intentionally opens the story as a naive little kid who views the lens of the Hero society through rose colored glasses and arguably wants nothing more than assimilation into that society; Bakugou is a privileged little snot who embodies the worst and most hypocritical beliefs of this system. Both of them are intentionally proven wrong. Both are brainwashed, as many little children are, by the propaganda and societal norms that they are exposed to. Both of their arcs include unlearning crucial aspects of the Hero ideology in order to become true heroes.

I will personally never simp for Bakugou because for the longest time, I couldn't help but think of him as a little kid on the playground screaming at the top of his lungs because someone else is on the swingset. He’s red in the face, there are probably veins popping out of his neck, he’s losing it. It’s easy to see why people would prefer Tododeku to Bakudeku.

Even now, seeing him differently, I still personally wouldn’t date Bakugou, especially if I had other options. Why? I probably wouldn’t want to date any of the guys who bullied me, especially because I think that schoolyard bullying, even in middle school, affected me largely in a negative way and created a lot of complexes I’m still trying to work through. I haven’t built a better relationship with them, and I’m not obligated to. Still, I associate them with the kind of soft trauma that they inflicted upon me, and while to them it was probably impersonal, to me, it was an intimate sort of attack that still affects me. That being said, that is me. Those are my personal experiences, and while they could undoubtedly influence how I interpret relationships, I do not want to project and hinder my own interpretation of Deku.

The reality is that Deku himself has an innate understanding of Bakugou that no one else does; I mention later that he seems to understand his language, implicitly, and I do stand by that. He understands what it is he’s actually trying to say, often why he’s saying it, and while others may see him as wimpy or unable to stand up for himself, that’s simply not true. Part of Deku’s characterization is that he is uncommonly observant and empathetic; I’m not denying that Bakugou caused harm or inflicted damage, but infantilizing Deku and preaching about trauma that’s not backed by canon and then assuming random people online excuse abuse is just...the leap of leaps, and an actual toxic thing to do. I’ve read fan works where Bakugou is a bully, and that’s all, and has caused an intimate degree of emotional, mental, and physical insecurity from their middle school years that prevents their relationship from changing, and that’s for the better. I’m not going to argue and say that it’s not an interesting take, or not valid, or has no basis, because it does. Its basis is the character that Bakugou was in middle school, and the person he was when he entered UA.

Not only is Bakugou — the current Bakugou, the one who has accumulated memories and experiences and development — not the same person he was at the beginning of the story, but Deku is not the same person, either. Maybe who they are fundamentally, at their core, stays the same, but at the beginning and end of any story, or even their arcs within the story, the point is that characters will undergo change, and that the reader will gain perspective.

“You wanna be a hero so bad? I’ve got a time-saving idea for you. If you think you’ll have a quirk in your next life...go take a swan dive off the roof!”

Yes. That is a horrible thing to tell someone, even if you are a child, even if you don’t understand the implications, even if you don’t mean what it is you are saying. Had someone told me that in middle school, especially given our history and the context of our interactions, I don’t know if I would ever have forgiven them.

Here’s the thing: I’m not Deku. Neither is anyone reading this. Deku is a fictional character, and everyone we know about him is extrapolated from source material, and his response to this event follows:

“Idiot! If I really jumped, you’d be charged with bullying me into suicide! Think before you speak!”

I think it’s unfair to apply our own projections as a universal rather than an interpersonal interpretation; that’s not to say that the interpretation of Bakudeku being abusive or having unbalanced power dynamics isn’t valid, or unfounded, but rather it’s not a universal interpretation, and it’s not canon. Deku is much more of a verbal thinker; in comparison, Bakugou is a visual one, at least in the format of the manga, and as such, we get various panels demonstrating his guilt, and how deep it runs. His dialogue and rapport with Deku has undeniably shifted, and it’s very clear that the way they treat each other has changed from when they were younger. Part of Bakugou’s growth is him gaining self awareness, and eventually, the strength to wield that. He knows what a fucked up little kid he was, and he carries the weight of that.

“At that moment, there were no thoughts in my head. My body just moved on its own.”

There’s a part of me that really, really disliked Bakugou going into it, partially because of what I’d seen and what I’d heard from a limited, outside perspective. I felt like Bakugou embodied the toxic masculinity (and to an extent, I still believe that) and if he won in some way, that felt like the patriarchy winning, so I couldn't help but want to muzzle and leash him before releasing him into the wild.

The reality, however, of his character in canon is that it isn’t very accurate to assume that he would be an abusive partner in the future, or that Midoryia has not forgiven him to some extent already, that the two do not care about each other or are singularly important, that they respect each other, or that the narrative has forgotten any of this.

Don’t mistake me for a Bakugou simp or apologist. I’m not, but while I definitely could also see Tododeku (and I have a soft spot for them, too, their dynamic is totally different and unique, and Todoroki is arguably treated as the tritagonist) and I’m ambivalent about Izuocha (which is written as cannoncially romantic) I do believe that canonically, Bakugou and Deku are framed as soulmates/character foils, Sasuke + Naruto, Kageyama + Hinata style. Their relationship is arguably the focus of the series. That’s not to undermine the importance or impact of Deku’s relationships with other characters, and theirs with him, but in terms of which one takes priority, and which one this all hinges on?

The manga is about a lot of things, yes, but if it were to be distilled into one relationship, buckle up, because it’s the Bakudeku show.

Power is Power: the Brain-Melting Process of Normalization and Toxic Masculinity

One of the ways in which the biopolitical prioritization of Quirks is exemplified within Hero society is through Quirk marriages. Endeavor partially rationalizes the abuse of his family through the creation of a child with the perfect quirk, a child who can be molded into the perfect Hero. People with powerful, or useful abilities, are ranked high on the hierarchy of power and privilege, and with a powerful ability, the more opportunities and avenues for success are available to them.

For the most part, Bakugou is a super spoiled, privileged little rich kid who is born talented but is enabled for his aggressive behavior and, as a child, cannot move past his many internalized complexes, treats his peers like shit, and gets away with it because the hero society he lives in either has this “boys will be boys” mentality, or it’s an example of the way that power, or Power, is systematically prioritized in this society. The hero system enables and fosters abusers, people who want power and publicity, and people who are genetically predisposed to have advantages over others. There are plenty of good people who believe in and participate in this system, who want to be good, and who do good, but that doesn’t change the way that the hero society is structured, the ethical ambiguity of the Hero Commission, and the way that Heroes are but pawns, idols with machine guns, used to sell merch to the public, to install faith in the government, or the current status quo, and reinforce capitalist propaganda. Even All Might, the epitome of everything a Hero should be, is drained over the years, and exists as a concept or idea, when in reality he is a hollow shell with an entire person inside, struggling to survive. Hero society is functionally dependent on illusion.

In Marxist terms: There is no truth, there is only power.

Although Bakugou does change, and I think that while he regrets his actions, what is long overdue is him verbally expressing his remorse, both to himself and Deku. One might argue that he’s tried to do it in ways that are compatible with his limited emotional range of expression, and Deku seems to understand this language implicitly.

I am of the opinion that the narrative is building up to a verbal acknowledgement, confrontation, and subsequent apology that only speaks what has gone unspoken.

That being said, Bakugou is a great example of the way that figures of authority (parents, teachers, adults) and institutions both in the real world and this fictional universe reward violent behavior while also leaving mental and emotional health — both his own and of the people Bakugou hurts — unchecked, and part of the way he lashes out at others is because he was never taught otherwise.

And by that, I’m referring to the ways that are to me, genuinely disturbing. For example, yelling at his friends is chill. But telling someone to kill themselves, even casually and without intent and then misinterpreting everything they do as a ploy to make you feel weak because you're projecting? And having no teachers stop and intervene, either because they are afraid of you or because they value the weight that your Quirk can benefit society over the safety of children? That, to me, is both real and disturbing.

Not only that, but his parents (at least, Mitsuki), respond to his outbursts with more outbursts, and while this is likely the culture of their home and I hesitate to call it abusive, I do think that it contributed to the way that he approaches things. Bakugou as a character is very complex, but I think that he is primarily an example of the way that the Hero System fails people.

I don’t think we can write off the things he’s done, especially using the line of reasoning that “He didn’t mean it that way”, because in real life, children who hurt others rarely mean it like that either, but that doesn’t change the effect it has on the people who are victimized, but to be absolutely fair, I don’t think that the majority of Bakudeku shippers, at least now, do use that line of reasoning. Most of them seem to have a handle on exactly how fucked up the Hero society is, and exactly why it fucks up the people embedded within that society.

The characters are positioned in this way for a reason, and the discoveries made and the development that these characters undergo are meant to reveal more about the fictional world — and, perhaps, our world — as the narrative progresses.

The world of the Hero society is dependent, to some degree, on biopolitics. I don’t think we have enough evidence to suggest that people with Quirks or Quirkless people place enough identity or placement within society to become equivalent to marginalized groups, exactly, but we can draw parallels to the way that Deku and by extent Quirkless people are viewed as weak, a deviation, or disabled in some way. Deviants, or non-productive bodies, are shunned for their inability to perform ideal labor. While it is suggested to Deku that he could become a police officer or pursue some other occupation to help people, he believes that he can do the most positive good as a Hero. In order to be a Hero, however, in the sense of a career, one needs to have Power.

Deviation from the norm will be punished or policed unless it is exploitable; in order to become integrated into society, a deviant must undergo a process of normalization and become a working, exploitable body. It is only through gaining power from All Might that Deku is allowed to assimilate from the margins and into the upper ranks of society; the manga and the anime give the reader enough perspective, context, and examples to allow us to critique and deconstruct the society that is solely reliant on power.

Through his societal privileges, interpersonal biases, internalized complexes, and his subsequent unlearning of these ideologies, Bakugou provides examples of the way that the system simultaneously fails and indoctrinates those who are targeted, neglected, enabled by, believe in, and participate within the system.

Bakudeku are two sides of the same coin. We are shown visually that the crucial turning point and fracture in their relationship is when Bakugou refuses to take Deku’s outstretched hand; the idea of Deku offering him help messes with his adolescent perspective in that Power creates a hierarchy that must be obeyed, and to be helped is to be weak is to be made a loser.

Largely, their character flaws in terms of understanding the hero society are defined and entangled within the concept of power. Bakugou has power, or privilege, but does not have the moral character to use it as a hero, and believes that Power, or winning, is the only way in which to view life. Izuku has a much better grasp on the way in which heroes wield power (their ideologies can, at first, be differentiated as winning vs. saving), and is a worthy successor because of this understanding, and of circumstance. However, in order to become a Hero, our hero must first gain the Power that he lacks, and learn to wield it.

As the characters change, they bridge the gaps of their character deficiencies, and are brought closer together through character parallelism.

Two sides of the same coin, an outstretched hand.

They are better together.

How to Kill Middle Schoolers, and Why We Should

I think it’s fitting that in the manga, a critical part of Bakugou’s arc explicitly alludes to killing the middle school version of himself in order to progress into a young adult. In the alternative covers Horikoshi released, one of them was a close up of Bakugou in his middle school uniform, being stabbed/impaled, with blood rolling out of his mouth. Clearly this references the scene in which he sacrifices himself to save Deku, on a near-instinctual level.

To me, this only cements Horikoshi’s intent that middle school Bakugou must be debunked, killed, discarded, or destroyed in order for Bakugou the hero to emerge, which is why people who do actually excuse his actions or believe that those actions define him into young adulthood don’t really understand the necessity for change, because they seem to imply that he doesn’t need/cannot reach further growth, and there doesn’t need to be a separation between the Bakugou who is, at heart, volatile and repressed the angry, and the Bakugou who sacrifices himself, a hero who saves people.

Plot twist: there does need to be a difference. Further plot twist: there is a difference.

In sacrificing himself for Deku, Bakugou himself doesn't die, but the injury is fatal in the sense that it could've killed him physically and yet symbolizes the selfish, childish part of him that refused to accept Deku, himself, and the inevitability of change. In killing those selfish remnants, he could actually become the kind of hero that we the reader understand to be the true kind.

That’s why I think that a lot of the people who stress his actions as a child without acknowledging the ways he has changed, grown, and tried to fix what he has broken don’t really get it, because it was always part of his character arc to change and purposely become something different and better. If the effects of his worst and his most childish self stick with you more, and linger despite that, that’s okay. But distilling his character down to the wrong elements doesn’t get you the bare essentials; what it gets you is a skewed and shallow version of a person. If you’re okay with that version, that is also fine.

But you can’t condemn others who aren’t fine with that incomplete version, and to become enraged that others do not see him as you do is childish.

Bakugou’s change and the emphasis on that change is canon.

Parallels in Abuse, EnemiesRivals-to-Lovers, and the Necessity of Redemption ft. ATLA’s Zuko

In real life, the idea that “oh, he must bully you because he likes you” is often used as a way to brush aside or to excuse the action of bullying itself, as if a ‘secret crush’ somehow negates the effects of bullying on the victim or the inability of the bully to properly process and manifest their emotions in certain ways. It doesn’t. It often enables young boys to hurt others, and provides figures of authority to overlook the real source of schoolyard bullying or peer review. The “secret crush”, in real life, is used to undermine abuse, justify toxic masculinity, and is essentially used as a non-solution solution.

A common accusation is that Bakudeku shippers jump on the pairing because they romanticize pairing a bully and a victim together, or believe that the only way for Bakugou to atone for his past would be to date Midoryia in the future. This may be true for some people, in which case, that’s their own preference, but based on my experience and what I’ve witnessed, that’s not the case for most.

The difference being is that as these are characters, we as readers or viewers are meant to analyze them. Not to justify them, or to excuse their actions, but we are given the advantage of the outsider perspective to piece their characters together in context, understand why they are how they are, and witness them change; maybe I just haven’t been exposed to enough of the fandom, but no one (I’ve witnessed) treats the idea that “maybe Bakugou has feelings he can’t process or understand and so they manifest in aggressive and unchecked ways'' as a solution to his inability to communicate or process in a healthy way, rather it is just part of the explanation of his character, something is needs to — and is — working through. The solution to his middle school self is not the revelation of a “teehee, secret crush”, but self-reflection, remorse, and actively working to better oneself, which I do believe is canonically reflected, especially as of recently.

In canon, they are written to be partners, better together than apart, and I genuinely believe that one can like the Bakudeku dynamic not by route of romanticization but by observation.

I do think we are meant to see parallels between him and Endeavor; Endeavor is a high profile abuser who embodies the flaws and hypocrisy of the hero system. Bakugou is a schoolyard bully who emulates and internalizes the flaws of this system as a child, likely due to the structure of the society and the way that children will absorb the propaganda they are exposed to; the idea that Quirks, or power, define the inherent value of the individual, their ability to contribute to society, and subsequently their fundamental human worth. The difference between them is the fact that Endeavor is the literal adult who is fully and knowingly active within a toxic, corrupt system who forces his family to undergo a terrifying amount of trauma and abuse while facing little to no consequences because he knows that his status and the values of their society will protect him from those consequences. In other words, Endeavor is the threat of what Bakugou could have, and would have, become without intervention or genuine change.

Comparisons between characters, as parallels or foils, are tricky in that they imply but cannot confirm sameness. Having parallels with someone does not make them the same, by the way, but can serve to illustrate contrasts, or warnings. Harry Potter, for example, is meant to have obvious parallels with Tom Riddle, with similar abilities, and tragic upbringings. That doesn’t mean Harry grows up to become Lord Voldemort, but rather he helps lead a cross-generational movement to overthrow the facist regime. Harry is offered love, compassion, and friends, and does not embrace the darkness within or around him. As far as moldy old snake men are concerned, they do not deserve a redemption arc because they do not wish for one, and the truest of change only occurs when you actively try to change.

To be frank, either way, Bakugou was probably going to become a good Hero, in the sense that Endeavor is a ‘good’ Hero. Hero capitalized, as in a pro Hero, in the sense that it is a career, an occupation, and a status. Because of his strong Quirk, determination, skill, and work ethic, Bakugou would have made a good Hero. Due to his lack of character, however, he was not on the path to become a hero; defender of the weak, someone who saves people to save people, who is willing to make sacrifices detrimental to themselves, who saves people out of love.

It is necessary for him to undergo both a redemption arc and a symbolic death and rebirth in order for him to follow the path of a hero, having been inspired and prompted by Deku.

I personally don’t really like Endeavor’s little redemption arc, not because I don’t believe that people can change or that they shouldn't at least try to atone for the atrocities they have committed, but because within any narrative, a good redemption arc is important if it matters; what also matters is the context of that arc, and whether or not it was needed. For example, in ATLA, Zuko’s redemption arc is widely regarded as one of the best arcs in television history, something incredible. And it is. That shit fucks. In a good way.

It was confirmed that Azula was also going to get a redemption arc, had Volume 4 gone on as planned, and it was tentatively approached in the comics, which are considered canon. She is an undeniably bad person (who is willing to kill, threaten, exploit, and colonize), but she is also a child, and as viewers, we witness and recognize the factors that contributed to her (debatable) sociopathy, and the way that the system she was raised in failed her. Her family failed her; even Uncle Iroh, the wise mentor who helps guide Zuko to see the light, is willing to give up on her immediately, saying that she’s “crazy” and needs to be “put down”. Yes, it’s comedic, and yes, it’s pragmatic, but Azula is fourteen years old. Her mother is banished, her father is a psychopath, and her older brother, from her perspective, betrayed and abandoned her. She doesn’t have the emotional support that Zuko does; she exploits and controls her friends because it’s all she’s been taught to do; she says herself, her “own mother thought [she] was a monster; she was right, of course, but it still [hurts]”. A parent who does not believe in you, or a parent that uses you and will hurt you, is a genuine indicator of trauma.

The writers understood that both Zuko and Azula deserved redemption arcs. One was arguably further gone than the other, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are both children, products of their environment, who have the time, motive, and reason to change.

In contrast, you know who wouldn’t have deserved a redemption arc? Ozai. That simply would not have been interesting, wouldn’t have served the narrative well, and honestly, is not needed, thematically or otherwise. Am I comparing Ozai to Endeavor? Basically, yes. Fuck those guys. I don’t see a point in Endeavor’s little “I want to be a good dad now” arc, and I think that we don’t need to sympathize with characters in order to understand them or be interested in them. I want Touya/Dabi to expose his abuse, for his career to crumble, and then for him to die.

If they are not challenging the system that we the viewer are meant to question, and there is no thematic relevance to their redemption, is it even needed?

On that note, am I saying that Bakugou is the equivalent to Zuko? No, lmao. Definitely not. They are different characters with different progressions and different pressures. What I am saying is that good redemption arcs shouldn’t be handed out like candy to babies; it is the quality, rather than the quantity, that makes a redemption arc good. In terms of the commentary of the narrative, who needs a redemption arc, who is deserving, and who does it make sense to give one to?

In this case, Bakugou checks those boxes. It was always in the cards for him to change, and he has. In fact, he’s still changing.

Give it to Me Straight. It’s Homophobic.

There does seem to be an urge to obsessively gender either Bakugou or Deku, in making Deku the ultra-feminine, stereotypically hyper-sexualized “woman” of the relationship, with Bakugou becoming similarly sexualized but depicted as the hyper-masculine bodice ripper. On some level, that feels vaguely homophobic if not straight up misogynistic, in that in a gay relationship there’s an urge to compel them to conform under heteronormative stereotypes in order to be interpreted as real or functional. On one hand, I will say that in a lot of cases it feels like more of an expression of a kink, or fetishization and subsequent expression of internalized misogyny, at least, rather than a genuine exploration of the complexity and power imbalances of gender dynamics, expression, and boundaries.

That being said, I don’t think that that problematic aspect of shipping is unique to Bakudeku, or even to the fandom in general. We’ve all read fan work or see fanart of most gay ships in a similiar manner, and I think it’s a broader issue to be addressed than blaming it on a singular ship and calling it a day.

One interpretation of Bakugou’s character is his repression and the way his character functions under toxic masculinity, in a society’s egregious disregard for mental and emotional health (much like in the real world), the horrifying ways in which rage is rationalized or excused due to the concept of masculinity, and the way that characteristics that are associated with femininity — intellect, empathy, anxiety, kindness, hesitation, softness — are seen as stereotypically “weak”, and in men, traditionally emasculating. In terms of the way that the fictional universe is largely about societal priority and power dynamics between individuals and the way that extends to institutions, it’s not a total stretch to guess that gender as a construct is a relevant topic to expand on or at least keep in mind for comparison.

I think that the way in which characters are gendered and the extent to which that is a result of invasive heteronormativity and fetishization is a really important conversation to have, but using it as a case-by-case evolution of a ship used to condemn people isn’t conductive, and at that point, it’s treated as less of a real concern but an issue narrowly weaponised.

Love in Perspective, from the East v. West

Another thing I think could be elaborated on and written about in great detail is the way that the Eastern part of the fandom and the Western part of the fandom have such different perspectives on Bakudeku in particular. I am not going to go in depth with this, and there are many other people who could go into specifics, but just as an overview:

The manga and the anime are created for and targeted at a certain audience; our take on it will differ based on cultural norms, decisions in translation, understanding of the genre, and our own region-specific socialization. This includes the way in which we interpret certain relationships, the way they resonate with us, and what we do and do not find to be acceptable. Of course, this is not a case-by-case basis, and I’m sure there are plenty of people who hold differing beliefs within one area, but speaking generally, there is a reason that Bakudeku is not regarded as nearly as problematic in the East.

Had this been written by a Western creator, marketed primarily to and within the West (for reference, while I am Chinese, but I have lived in the USA for most of my life, so my own perspective is undoubtedly westernized), I would’ve immediately jumped to make comparisons between the Hero System and the American police system, in that a corrupt, or bastardized system is made no less corrupt for the people who do legitimately want to do good and help people, when that system disproportionately values and targets others while relying on propaganda that society must be reliant on that system in order to create safe communities when in reality it perpetuates just as many issues as it appears to solve, not to mention the way it attracts and rewards violent and power-hungry people who are enabled to abuse their power. I think comparisons can still be made, but in terms of analysis, it should be kept in mind that the police system in other parts of the world do not have the same history, place, and context as it does in America, and the police system in Japan, for example, probably wasn’t the basis for the Hero System.

As much as I do believe in the Death of the Author in most cases, the intent of the author does matter when it comes to content like this, if merely on the basis that it provides context that we may be missing as foreign viewers.

As far as the intent of the author goes, Bakugou is on a route of redemption.

He deserves it. It is unavoidable. That, of course, may depend on where you’re reading this.

Stuck in the Sludge, the Past, and Season One

If there’s one thing, to me, that epitomizes middle school Bakugou, it’s him being trapped in a sludge monster, rescued by his Quirkless childhood friend, and unable to believe his eyes. He clings to the ideology he always has, that Quirkless means weak, that there’s no way that Deku could have grown to be strong, or had the capacity to be strong all along. Bakugou is wrong about this, and continuously proven wrong. It is only when he accepts that he is wrong, and that Deku is someone to follow, that he starts his real path to heroics.

If Bakudeku’s relationship does not appeal to someone for whatever reason, there’s nothing wrong with that. They can write all they want about why they don’t ship it, or why it bothers them, or why they think it’s problematic. If it is legitimately triggering to you, then by all means, avoid it, point it out, etc. but do not undermine the reality of abuse simply to point fingers, just because you don’t like a ship. People who intentionally use the anti tag knowing it’ll show up in the main tag, go after people who are literally minding their own business, and accuse people of supporting abuse are the ones looking for a fight, and they’re annoying as hell because they don’t bring anything to the table. No evidence, no analysis, just repeated projection.

To clarify, I’m referring to a specific kind of shipper, not someone who just doesn’t like a ship, but who is so aggressive about it for absolutely no reason. There are plenty of very lovely people in this fandom, who mind their own business, multipship, or just don’t care.

Calling shippers dumb or braindead or toxic (to clarify, this isn’t targeting any one person I’ve seen, but a collective) based on projections and generalizations that come entirely from your own impression of the ship rather than observation is...really biased to me, and comes across as uneducated and trigger happy, rather than constructive or helpful in any way.

I’m not saying someone has to ship anything, or like it, in order to be a ‘good’ participant. But inserting derogatory material into a main tag, and dropping buzzwords with the same tired backing behind it without seeming to understand the implications of those words or acknowledging the development, pacing, and intentional change to the characters within the plot is just...I don’t know, it comes across as redundant, to me at least, and very childish. Aggressive. Toxic. Problematic. Maybe the real toxic shippers were the ones who bitched and moaned along the way. They’re like little kids, stuck in the past, unable to visualize or recognize change, and I think that’s a real shame because it’s preventing them from appreciating the story or its characters as it is, in canon.

But that’s okay, really. To each their own. Interpretations will vary, preferences differ, perspectives are not uniform. There is no one truth. There are five seasons of the show, a feature film, and like, thirty volumes as of this year.

All I’m saying is that if you want to stay stuck in the first season of each character, then that’s what you’re going to get. That’s up to you.

This may be edited or revised.

#bakudeku #meta #my hero academia #boko no hero academia #bnha #mha #bakugou katsuki #izuku midoriya #ok these are just my general thoughts in response to the people who have hang ups about this ship #like y’all need to pls chill tf out ok #this is also not comprehensive and could definitely be elaborated on #but it’s just general thoughts #it’s just addressing general opposition I’ve seen #I never thought I’d ever write this much about this ship wtf

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dysphxtric · 3 years

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Mental Illness - My Mental Health Story

TW: Depression, Anxiety, Self harm, Suicide, Sexual Harassment

“You should smile more.”

“It could be worse.”

“Just don’t think about it.”

These were the phrases I heard throughout all of my elementary and high school years. There was never a time when my peers and teachers, would not mention some bizarre, ignorant statement revolving around mental health. Not to mention, my family also contributed heavily to the stigmatization of mental health issues. Essentially, my family approached the subject of mental health with extreme hesitation, they refused to talk about how it affects people of all age, gender, ethical background (etc.) Every time I would say “I’m feeling lost” my family would automatically dismiss my frantic worries and it was not any different when I went to school. My peers would continuously remind me that my pain was not valid and that I need to stop being so sensitive. My primary parental figures, my mother and brother did not have the adequate knowledge or tools to be able to hold space for me. I would frequently hear my mom say, “I could understand someone suffering from PTSD feeling upset or sad but you’re so young and healthy honey, you have nothing to worry about” or the old classic “Someone else has it worse than you”. Whether I was at home or at school, I heard the same ignorant statements spewing out from what felt like everyone. And I could never comprehend what was the point of these falsely “encouraging” statements and why profusely use them? These kinds of statements do not uplift, nor do they empower those struggling with mental health issues, if anything it makes it extremely debilitating when your emotions are not acknowledged nor validated. One cannot expect to simply brush away another person’s emotion, thought or feeling as though it means nothing.

With that being said, growing up, I lived in a dysfunctional household alongside my mother, my older brother, and my grandmother. My mother would always be juggling work, schooling, and her dating life. My brother was very reluctant about staying home so he would always vanish after school, hang out with friends, party hard and engage with various street substances. Now my grandmother? It was not long after she immigrated that she began to immerse herself within the Jehovah’s Witnesses ideology and “religiously” strayed away from us as my mother likes to say. My mother was never fond of religious practices that were not “orthodox”. My grandmother wanted to indoctrinate my mom, brother, and I into joining her religious little club but failed which resulted in countless fights, yelling matches, and multiple dents left in our walls. The back and forth with the yelling was what scared me most in my childhood even if it was over something as small as not closing the cabinet door. I think it was around this time period I experienced violence/ trauma at home and truth be told I was extremely stressed and anxious all the time as a kid. My mother would cover the punched indents by taking magazines and sticking pages onto the indent. Often times my stomach would turn as I looked at the pages covering the area where my brother punched the wall with brutal force. Moreover, I felt impending sadness because all I ever wanted was for everyone in my family to be able coexist and not argue. I was trying to keep the peace between everyone, yet I was always the one that got caught in the middle of everything whether I liked it or not. I would get blamed a lot for trying to mend things for everyone. Even though all I wanted was the best for all my family members.

Fast forward to my pre-teen/ teenage years. By this point, my brother and grandmother were no longer living under the same roof as my mother and I. My brother was living with his ex-girlfriend while working as a security guard meanwhile my grandmother was living in her own little subsidized apartment preaching the word of Jehovah. At that particular time, my mother and I lived in a marvellous urban semi-detached house in a peaceful neighbourhood. My mother’s boyfriend had moved in with us and for the most part I was really happy because at least it was not just me and her.

My mother’s boyfriend lived with us while I was going to school. He was a really nice, caring and warm-hearted individual although I could never understand why my mother argued with him so much. I once told him “You should propose to her, I can see you two together forever” to which he replied with a welcoming smile.

But eventually just like with all good things, there comes an end. The inevitable breakup my mom went through was very bitter and I had to be there for her. Afterall, I was technically the only child that was around to emotionally comfort her. Ironically, the breakup occurred during the time I was being bullied in school. And it was difficult to be fully present for my mother while dealing with a lot of negativity at school. I had been experiencing cyber bullying on MSN by a bunch of peers calling me “weird”, “ugly” and “different”. To make matters worse, the group of kids that bullied me online ended up following me everywhere I went for recess which posed as a big obstacle for my well being. I had to eat inside the portables when teachers weren’t around or inside the girl’s bathroom stall just to avoid being teased. I never felt like I had a safe space to myself where I could be vulnerable and open up. Not to mention, it was a difficult time and there was practically no one I could confide in. I didn’t have a social circle of supportive friends, after all I was an antisocial person. Fear washed over me as I worried about disclosing my unpleasant experience to my mother because she was already dealing with so much, the heartbreak, the bills, work problems (etc.), it was then and there that I decided to lie instead of telling the truth. Ultimately, lying became my cooping mechanism to deal with the ongoing pain.

I kept up the lying for a long time in order to make it seem like everything was okay. I lied to everyone from family members to school peers to the teaching staff to principals to counselors.

For the longest time, lying sheltered me from all sorts of unnecessary questions. No one could really tell whether I was truthful or disloyal because I was able to make it sound believable. When I was a teenager, I continued to go down the same destructive path by being dishonest with myself and others. Many times, the thought of suicide crossed my mind and when I started to think about it and plan/coordinate the intricate details it did not hit me that something was very wrong, and I needed urgent help. A big part of the problem was that I was so used to downplaying my pain, given my family circumstance and stigmatization I experienced growing up with. There is no denying that I would engage in negative self talk convincing myself that I deserved the pain and suffering for not being likeable enough or for not being smart enough.

Sometimes I think that is the thing… people do not understand that I lied because that was what I was required to do in order to survive my childhood. I, myself do not tolerate lying and I think it is a form of betrayal and if I were to be completely honest, I would have NEVER lied to my mom had it been safe for me to express myself authentically in my household.

I did not live in a household where it was safe to speak my mind freely and disagree with my mother. Disagreeing was always the last thing I wanted to do, disagreeing meant I got the belt, my devices would get confiscated or that I was going to get grounded. They say, “Honesty is the best policy” and I do not disagree however, it is not as black and white as one may think. In my situation, lying was not only an adaptive coping mechanism but it became a survival mechanism to keep me safe from harm/threat.

I did not have very much individuality growing up. I felt as though having an opinion of my own was bad. In order to perpetuate this fixated mindset that I had, my mother constantly deemed certain attributed behaviours or thoughts as “good” or “bad”. So, say you were upset about a recent breakup with your partner, my mother would scoff and say, “You know life isn’t just about love right?” and play it like it means nothing to the person affected by the situation.

The first time I ever felt depressed was when I was 13. At that age I did not understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. All I knew was that there was something wrong with me. It did not help when I was being picked on by my classmates telling me “Go die”, “You belong in a ditch ugly bitch.”

The moment when things started getting out of hand was when I was first started my Art and Family Studies class in the same semester. In both classes I was placed into groups amongst other students. In Family Studies I had to be in a collaborative group that would divide responsibilities and tasks accordingly. When it came to cooking, my group consisted of four snobby, rich yet immature peers who were unwilling to help and contribute in any shape or form, I had to become the bigger person and sure enough I took all the responsibilities on myself. Though, it was not a smart move. But I was super shy and felt anxious to do anything different least to say speak up and advocate for myself, so I did what I had to do which was prepare meals, clean, and wash the dishes. At the end of the day, none of my peers thanked me, the only thank you I got was getting groped while washing the dishes and getting laughed at.

After what happened I ran to my best friend in tears to tell her what happened just to find her say “It’s not that bad, you’ll be fine” I felt like my blood was going to boil and I was about to start fuming. I stood thinking “Huh, that is so weird, is this how you comfort a person after being sexually harassed?”

Not to sound all grim but that experience showed me that no one really cared about me. No one cared that I got groped or how I felt in that moment. Let alone not even my “best friend” who was supposed to fulfill her role and be there for me. All I wanted was comfort and to be heard out. I could not even tell my mother about this experience until I turned 21 because of how ashamed I felt carrying around that experience and not having the ability to open up and mourn what happened that day and to be able to heal that damaged part of myself. I carried that incident with me for 7 years in silence because I was scared of being honest.

That specific experience was very detrimental to my mental health. Everything began to spiral out of control, I sprawled into a dark depressive state. I began to have intense panic attacks, insomnia, forgetfulness (etc.) After a certain duration of time, I had thoughts of suicide lingering at the back of my head. I questioned my worth, my identity, my culture, my everything.

The bullying and name calling persisted and became so intense that I ended up missing weeks of school time. Some of the boys in my Art class found it funny to make fun of my last name and call me “Prostitute”.

One day in the early springtime, my Art teacher noticed the marks on my wrists as I was painting and had not said anything until I made it to my last period class. I was called down to the guidance counselors office and was interrogated with questions.

“It has come to our concern that one of the staff members noticed cuts on your arms.”

I sat in silence trying hard to contain my anxiety.

“Are you struggling with depression or low mood? Is everything okay at home?”

It came to the point when I got so tired of lying about my pain that I admitted “Yes, I am struggling, I need help”. I dived into the bullying occurrences, the cat calling, my low grades, my self-esteem, the groping, my home situation (etc). After that, I was told that my mother would have to be called down to the school for “safety” reasons even though my counselor promised not to disclose any personal information to my mother. My greatest fear was that I did not want my mom to know that something was wrong.

Of course, my mom came to my school. She was told everything that had happened. I met her at the counselor’s office just to find her wailing in distress “You are such an embarrassment” and “Your counselor told me what you did, how could you do this?”. When the counselor gave us resources for help, my mother grabbed the papers and shoved them into the trash, got up and yanked me out the office.

The next three days that followed, my mother withdrew into her room not saying a word to me. I felt really uneasy and upset. She had her right to be alone but locking herself away from me and avoiding communication altogether? Didn’t make much sense.

I felt extremely guilty for not opening up to my mother sooner. But instead of choosing to be compassionate and caring she chose to resort to anger. She furiously blamed me for being “quiet” and “not trustful” which all landed on my shoulders again. It was “my” fault I thought.

Bottling this up resulted in a full-blown mental breakdown. I could not focus or concentrate because of everything building up. It came to the point where my mom had to choose between living in a toxic community or starting fresh elsewhere.

And even though my mother kept subjecting me to her harmful stigmatizations, the transition from my old school to my new one helped me greatly. When we moved away, I gradually started to feel better emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Very quickly, I ended up adapting to my new high school where I finally made friends.

One thing I cannot deny is that there definitely was a silver lining to all of this. Although I went through severe bullying and torment at school and home, I managed to reclaim my power and through that I discovered my inner peace after being extracted from my toxic high school. The new school that I ended up attending completely changed me and inspired me to become a more authentic version of myself. It was almost as though I did a complete 180°

My new peers and teachers were enthusiastic, open-minded and caring. The new community I was surrounding myself in was a very positive one that broke down stigmas and encouraged deep understanding and acceptance. My mind was blown when I found that it was easier to conversate with girls and guys at my new school, I was gradually becoming confident and more vocal, and I liked the feeling of not hiding myself away from the world. It felt rejuvenating to finally be heard and seen by others.

Slowly but surely, I began to partake in various activities at my school. I joined the Poetry Club which I would have never considered joining had I stayed back in my old school due to fear of how I was perceived. Ultimately, I started caring and nurturing myself more. My new friends supported me, and teachers began to openly listen to my stories and encouraged me to write. When I started writing, I realized that I could use this medium to cope with my depression and anxiety. The acknowledgment made a major difference in my life like never before.

If it were not for the transition from my old high school, I would have not made progress in developing into the woman I am today. I know that I am not my pain, I am not my mistakes.

Do I still struggle and have bad days? Yes, of course. Just like any human being I have my days when I am not feeling the greatest however, I am more open to learning about how to engage with my mind, body and soul in order to soothe myself during turbulent times. I still have that inner critic however, I have been engaging with activities such as bike riding, painting, drawing, and reading to help occupy my mind which as a result has reduced the time that I spend ruminating. Occupying myself has worked magic, I am now able to reduce and control how much time I spend self-loathing, criticizing, and judging myself. Rather than judging every thought, I’ve learned to slow down and observe.

If you stuck along until the end of my story, I want to thank you for reading through my experience. My hope is that my story can shed some light on the myths and stigmas surrounding mental health, especially within the Eastern European community. I want you all to know that you are ALL valid and I wanted to be able to share my story so that my readers know that they are not alone.

#mental health #mental health awareness #depression #mdd #mood disorder #anxiety #gad #my story #hope #bullying #narcissistic parent #end the stigma #recovery #fyp

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arcadialedger · 3 years

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How Catra and Zuko have been saving me lately: A (sort of) meta

A very long, personal post under the cut. This is really important to me, and I could really use some support, so if you could take the time to read and reblog that would be greatly appreciated. I just want to reach out.

Once again, please PLEASE read. I really need help.

Recently, I’ve found myself desperately latching onto the characters of Zuko and Catra, as many have in the past. To put it simply, I’m in one of the most difficult times of my life right now.

I’m transferring colleges because I was doxed by an online hate mob (long story) , and in general because I just didn’t belong at my old school. I went to three different high schools, moved around a whole bunch, and I don’t really belong anywhere. All of my friends are far away, my parents are busy working and I’m alone.

I just feel like I’m wandering aimlessly in darkness, unloved and unsure where to go. I’m faced with making a huge decision about my future with this transfer, and I’m terrified. Terrified I won’t make the right choice, and terrified it won’t be the newfound happiness I so desperately need it to be. But most of all, I’m terrified of being unwanted and alone again, wherever I go.

I’m used to not being wanted. I’m 4’10, not thin, and have been tossed aside because of my appearance my entire life. I’m 20 years old and haven’t been kissed (how pathetic is that). I moved schools and stayed in my room depressed because I never got to lay down roots and establish a foundation. Hell, I never even got to live as a teenager. I’m just behind and broken.

I was hoping Tumblr would be my place, where I could write and analyze and showcase my talents. Be wanted for once. For a while, it looked like it might be. Then a friend blocked me and made a callout post, due to me having a different opinion on a sensitive matter, and a domino effect began. I lost more friends and half of the fandom we’re both in blocked me seemingly at their word. I had featured this friend on an episode of my podcast at, had many fond memories chatting with them, and even bought a zine to support them. The loss hurt, and I was cut off from one of the few things I had. It was all taken away from me. My growth halted as I dealt with months of online abuse: including death threats, suicide baiting (these people knowing I’ve struggled with being suicidal), aphobic slurs (knowing I’m ace), mocking and editing images of my face. My Twitter was hacked, I lost podcast deals with creatives who my friends who blocked me and started all of this went on to interview because of said hacking, and I was threatened to be doxed. I suffered blow after blow while the people who hurt me grew and were rewarded, allowed a place here, and this continues to this day. The damage remains. I have to self reblog a whole bunch to get my content remotely seen in the algorithm.

Because my entire life, it feels I’ve never been allowed a win. I’ve never been allowed to have and keep anything good. I’m short and ugly, talentless with nothing to give to the world, my family has no money so I haven’t gotten to travel or experience a lot of things. I’ve spent my entire life envious of the “hot skinny girls” who’ve been wanted and dating since high school, who live in McMansions and get to go on vacations.

When I work to make good content on Tumblr and build a following talking about what I’m passionate about? It’s taken from me. When I work hard to get into my old college’s honors program and earn a trip to Greece which I could otherwise never afford, a global pandemic comes along and makes sure I don’t get that kind of positive experience in life.

I’m used to it all, being worn down and unwanted and losing. I’ve gone my entire life behind, lesser, and not enough.

And that’s why I’m so scared. I have a big decision to make, I’m at my own crossroads, and I desperately need all of this to come together for me this year. I’ve gone so long without happiness and love. I need this to be the light at the end of the tunnel, newfound happiness. I need to find newfound happiness. All I want is to escape the darkness, find peace of mind and function day to day doing the things I love without being stressed.

So when I see Zuko— so angry at the world for being given the short stick, abused, and never making things easy, and Catra— driven mad by comparison and feeling as though the world takes away everything from her? Gosh, I feel it so hard.

Because that’s just what I do. I get angry at the world for making things so hard for me. I compare. I feel like the world just takes and takes and never gives me a win. And so I’m never happy. I feel their pain and loneliness so deeply, and I’m terrified that I’m the villain because of it. I cry at the anguish and self loathing in their eyes because I have been there. I AM there.

Like Zuko comparing to Azula, I feel lesser because the world has constantly told me I am so. I feel cheated and given the short end of the stick, as though life has it out for me. I get angry and lash out from my pain.I’m desperate for validation from people who can never give it to me. I’m so scarred from my past, I can’t believe I have a future.

Like Catra, I’m always left behind. I’m lonely and driven mad by the unfairness of the world. It takes and takes until I’ve lost it all, but it never gives. I’m so afraid of losing anyone and anything else, I refuse to let anyone in. Because why would I deserve love? There’s nobody who wants me, no purpose for me on this world. I’m nothing, just constantly chasing an impossible goal of perfection to justify my existence.

“You drive them away, wildcat”

Yeah, I know their hurt. I know what it all feels like. To be that broken, that insecure, that left behind and unwanted. The punching bag of fate. These characters suffering is so much of my own.

And that’s why they’re the only thing to give me hope.

Seeing them be where I am now, and where they end up, I allow myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, that can be my future. That I’ll get a happy ending. It gives me the courage to believe that what I’m so desperately striving for can happen.

Zuko standing up to his father and forging his own path in life, which leads him to a better place as he finds his destiny and happiness after so many years of torment. We both have scars-- if he can overcome his, why can’t I?

Catra, after so many years of struggle, taking agency over her life back from those to abused her, and finally learning to accept the love of those around her. Opening up to pain and rejection and ultimately being forgiven. Catra felt so lonely, unable to see the love around her-- maybe I’ve been doing the same thing. Maybe I’ll find the strength to take my life into my own hands and find my own love.

It’s so empowering, a flicker of light in what feels like eternal darkness. I am so worn out and broken. I’ve never had love, or learned to love myself. In the real world, it is find to find hope.

It is only in these characters, who have felt my pain and found their way to a better place, that I find comfort.

I am one of so many who have been touched by these characters arcs, and they are one of the purest examples of why stories are important. Why the emotions narrative can evoke are important. It is not only escapism, it opens up a door to critical self introspection that can make a real difference in our lives. It holds up a black mirror of our lives, providing an outside view of our deepest, darkest emotions and struggles which can be so hard to understand when they’re inside.

These characters, and their stories: insecurity, abuse, doubt, comparison, chasing validation, just wanting to find your purpose in life and happiness-- they are the stories of life, stripped down to it’s rawest emotions.

There is power in redemption. There is power in rising from the bottom.

As I said in my last post about Catra and Zuko:

“Their stories: being angry at the world, driven mad by comparison and a need for validation, making wrong choices, processing trauma, needing help but being too scared to open up and accept it, feeling as though they don’t deserve love or forgiveness, fighting to restore and maintain valued relationships, convincing themselves they’ve lost it all, feeling conflicted or confused, realizing what they thought they wanted isn’t fulfilling and hasn’t brought happiness, escaping years of mental conditioning which told them they were worthless, not seeing the love they have right before them, constantly fighting uphill for a life which seems to throw everything it can at them… Well, isn’t that just the most human story of all? And so their redemptions give us hope.”

I have been so lost and lonely for so long, and now I’m at a crossroads. I’m so scared to believe that this change, this new path, can lead to a better place, but these characters? They give me strength to. They give me faith.

This has been a rambling post of feelings, and I am thankful to anyone who has read this far. I’m just so tired of feeling this way, and needed to reach out and share this. If you are also feeling this way, know you are not alone. You are so very far from alone.

I just really don’t want to feel unwanted and unloved, like I don’t belong, anymore. I want to have a place here. I probably sound desperate because I feel that way. I don’t know how else to cry out for help other than sharing this.

If anyone wants to message or send asks about this, please feel free to do so. I want, and very much need, to talk.

#personal #personal post #zuko #long post #catra #meta #avatar: the last airbender #avatar #she ra and the princesses of power #she ra #a:tla #atla #spop #mental health

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