#leaving abuse

[everlastinghistory]

becoming a better version of yourself after they tried to destroy you while you were already at your lowest will always be the best feeling.

you tried to drag me further down, but there wasn’t much further i could go. so instead, i started fixing things.

now i’m happier than you’ll ever be so long as you keep the attitude that led here.

#self improvement #self healing #healing #toxic people #toxic relationship #psychological abuse #mental abuse #leaving abuse #leaving toxic people #recovery #tw toxic relationship #tw abuse #inner peace #personal development #self love #personal growth #self development #mental wellbeing #mental wellness

[amoxicillin-tangent]

how to leave a cult & stay out (long post)

i know this isn't my usual brand, but i felt the need to make this post given the fact that my poetry journey started as an exploration of emotions after i left the cult i was in. i know a lot of my followers initially followed me for that content, and i wanted to write this in case anyone needs it.

some background: the cult i left was a small evangelical patriarchal cult with a commune-type living situation. i am afab, with little to no family support and no college experience. i live in the US. i have no experience with anything outside this situation, and thus, my advice will not be universal. however, i've left and stayed out of my cult for nearly a year, and i wanted to share what i learned. i remember wishing i'd had a post or a book or anything to help me know what to expect, so here's what i've gathered so far!

tws: religious abuse discussion and addiction/nicotine mentions

leaving (logistics)

work

my ability to logistically and financially separate from my cult stemmed largely from the fact that i had work outside the commune & their sphere. my first attempt to leave was thwarted simply by the fact that, at that time, i worked with other 4 cult members and had no ability to seek outside employment without raising suspicion.

however, i was able to gain permission to seek external employment under the premise that i would be able to tithe more, and that i felt this was "the direction i was being led in." i am aware that this is not the case for every cult. in fact, after i left, it essentially stopped being the case for mine either. however, if at all possible, gaining external employment is key.

if you cannot seek external employment, save every single penny you can [in cash if they check your bank statements], and submit job applications a couple weeks or so before you leave. do not be afraid to quit a job that the members have some access to in order to be in a safer situation, because that mentality will keep you tied there for longer. a script for asking your manager not to penalize you for a sudden exit would look something like this (presuming the managers were not also members or leaders of the cult):

"hello X,

i am experiencing some unforeseen circumstances and leaving a dangerous [complicated, difficult, etc.] situation. my last day will be [day before you plan on leaving the cult]. i understand that this is not a full two-weeks-notice, but due to this circumstance, i am asking for understanding. please keep this confidential, as it would threaten my safety if others knew about this."

if you don't trust your management not to blab, ask for answers from other members, or even just accidentally let something slip, it is acceptable to quit the day you leave. it's better to have a rough patch on your resume than to spend the rest of your life in a cult, and in all honesty, it doesn't really matter much anyways. a gap in your resume can easily be explained away as time spent caring for a family member or staying safe in the current pandemic, and quitting under "unfavorable circumstances" still bodes significantly better than being fired. this is, of course, all worst case scenario. most managers will be understanding.

having another job lined up immediately after leaving will also prevent a great deal of problems with this. job interviews can be completed virtually from a coffee shop you know they wouldn't visit, or the house of a safe friend or family member. in the middle of this post is a list of excuses you could use to step out for a job interview, and if that's not possible: while you're PIMO [physically in, mentally out, a term for still being present in the cult but having the desire and plan to leave] you can schedule your job interviews in advance for the days/weeks after your planned date of leaving the cult.

social life

let me start with this: your friends from before are your greatest asset. they do not hate you. they will believe you. chances are higher than not that they saw the warning signs before you ever did. i can guarantee you a vast majority of them have been waiting for a phone call from you since the day you joined saying that you planned on leaving.

if your family was not abusive, toxic, manipulative, or connected in any way to your cult, they can also be an asset. however, tread carefully with this. you don't want to hop out of the fire and into the frying pan, so to speak. moving out of a commune and back into an abusive parent's house can cause more trauma in the long run.

if there is any sphere where you can connect with people that your cult does not have access to, utilize it. i found friends online, at work, and through mutual friends of people i had met before i joined the cult. even if you work with other cult members, if there are any non-members in your workplace, you can still make an effort to befriend them. if questioned by your cult, you're just trying to convert them.

being friends with someone doesn't mean you have to confess every detail of your plan to leave. you don't even have to mention your plans. friends can be a safety net even if they don't know what you're going through. choose carefully who to trust, but don't shut everyone out either.

housing

if you live with your cult, finding housing is an immediate priority.

the biggest mistake i ever made was my refusal to couch surf for fear of being kicked out or "becoming a burden."

your friends aren't nearly as troubled by you as your cult would have you believe. in fact, to this day, if a member of the cult i left were to come to my door asking for refuge, i would open my home to them without a question. your friends would rather see you on their couch or in their spare bedroom for a month than ever watch you go back to the place you left.

the first time i ever left my cult, i went back because i feared i was burdening the friend i was staying with. it wasn't until she called me sobbing that i finally realized that i wasn't the burden; my absence was the burden. taking up space is not a crime. no matter how much the cult tells you otherwise.

if you can't immediately find an apartment due to credit issues, age, income thresholds, etc, extended stay hotels are an option if you have no friends to stay with. the price ends up being equivalent to the cost of room & bills at an apartment anyways. this is a temporary option, during which you can take the following (vaguely unethical but often necessary) measures to hopefully secure a more permanent situation:

find a friend who's good at photoshop and invent some pay statements. [if possible, try to make them from scratch based off an existing pay stub of yours. landlords, especially of large apartment complex chains, recognize the common templates.]

you might have better luck getting approved [and/or getting away with forged paystubs] at a smaller apartment complex, specifically the ones you can't find on google. you may have to drive around and physically look for these complexes.

look up second-chance apartments

apply for any and all government aid you may be eligible for

work overtime or a second job to make your pay stubs appear greater. this is a temporary measure only; stressful, but worthwhile in the long run.

look on roommate-finding websites! a lot of people won't require credit checks, formalities, etc. a horrible roommate is still generally less of a pain in the ass than, oh, i don't know, 12 horrible roommates who are watching your every move and reporting back to the people in charge.

look for subleasing situations on websites like Craigslist as a last resort. take precautions, don't meet anyone alone, etc.

https://www.apartments.com/ ^here's the website i used to find my apartment before i left. it has a lot of good filters. delete your browsing history afterwards.

if you don't live with your cult, the moment you separate, you should file and enforce a restraining order if you feel even the slightest bit comfortable doing so and consider changing apartments within your unit, moving houses if feasible, etc. invest in an alarm system, a vicious-looking animal, a deadbolt, all the security measures you would take if you were being stalked. which brings us to our next point.

privacy

if they're monitoring your bank accounts, open another one in secret if possible or keep as much money as you can on a Pay-pal card, Visa card, etc. funnel as much money as you can into these accounts without arousing suspicion. the moment you leave, immediately cancel any account they may have access to and withdraw all money from it.

keep any incriminating items in your bra and/or undergarments. at all times. this includes vital documents [social security card, birth certificate, etc.], cash that you're hoarding without their knowledge [gross but necessary, keep it in a ziploc and sanitize it with a lysol wipe], etc.

have all mail that would reveal your escape plans sent to non-member friends or a P.O. box.

the day you leave, inform HR at work that your presence in the building should not be disclosed to anyone. change shifts if you can, park your vehicle elsewhere and uber from close parking lots to your building, or take steps to make your vehicle unrecognizable (remove telltale stickers, add new stickers with topics you have no interest in, add new rearview mirror hangy thingies, even remove seat or steering wheel covers if you have to. they might remember your license plate, but at very least your car wouldn't be initially recognizable.

if they have access to your location, do not turn this off until the moment you leave. when you do, do so quickly and on every possible platform. this should coincide with password changes for any account that can be used to trace you (email, Google location history, maps, apple/icloud, Find my IPhone, Life360, Airtags, bank accounts [use cash until the account is cancelled if they know about it], vehicle GPS)

if you have an IPhone, you will automatically be alerted if an unfamiliar Airtag is following your location. If you have an Android device, download "Airguard" or a similar app which will serve the same purpose. at very least, this will give you peace of mind.

a burner phone is an absolute necessity. you can find them at walmart and the combined cost of the phone and prepaid card is usually less than $100 [USD].

clear your browser history. change contact names of all non-member contacts to the name of someone you're in the cult with and delete the texts. people hardly ever check phone numbers if the contact name isn't suspicious to begin with. add parentheses beside contact names with [deceptive] information about who they are.

example: i had a non-member friend saved as "Karen (Boss at Amazon)" in my phone. that way if i got a call, i could play it off as a work call and step away.

packing/preparing to leave

lie and tell them you're organizing things. this is a GREAT excuse to have everything you own in pre-packed storage bins. under the bed is a good location to keep things. the less you act like you're trying to hide what you're doing, the better.

keep clothes on hangers for easy access. when you're packing to leave [presuming you can do so in secret], just grab them off the hangers and shove them into trash bags. don't worry about neat. just find a place to put shit and haul ass.

it's okay to steal shit but don't steal anything valuable at all or anything terribly noticeable. the last thing you want is them having evidence for legal recourse against you.

if there's food, take food. i lived off a tupperware full of chicken salad i stole from the cult for a solid 4 days. bring medicine with you regardless of whether or not you "have a good immune system". even if you don't think you'll need it, you'll need it, i promise.

it's better to leave everything and get out with your freedom than take all you own and get caught. that being said, if you have a feasible way of taking everything, do that. the last thing you want is to be so financially fucked that you feel like your only hope is to go back to them. [it is NOT.]

if you need to relay information to a non-member contact in a safe and private manner while with people, have them call you and pretend to be a business. for example, i had my secret debit card mailed to a friend, and i had her call me pretending to be the bank and read me off the number so i could put it in my apple pay. this could also work as far as pretending to talk to your boss or coworker [i.e. "Yes, I can take that shift starting at 10am" = "Yes, I will meet you at X location at 10am", etc.]

playing it off/excuses to be gone for apartment hunting or other leaving-related matters

doctors' appointments

[a minor medical issue or procedure can be a really good way to get out repeatedly if your cult allows access to medical care. i only know this because i had a real, diagnosed ovarian cyst but i proceeded to make up several appointments for it that were actually apartment complex visits, so.]

illness

[make this season-appropriate and believable. flu in winter and spring and late fall only. don't do COVID unless you can realistically forge a rapid test and trust that they won't make you prove it with a PCR. i don't advocate lying in any other circumstance, but once again, this is not an ethics class. cults play dirty, so can we.

promotion at work/added responsibility

[only works for so long before they try to make you quit the job, but it can make a good excuse in the interim]

car troubles

[visits "to the mechanic"=time out of the house. "car overheated/flat tire/locked out of my car/lost my keys"=good excuse for being late to events/being gone longer than expected]

ill family member

can give you two or three days to "be out of town" if needed, and/or time to go "see them in the hospital" or "care for them" over the course of a few weeks, especially for a chronic issue or an injury that would render them unable to walk and thus in need of consistent care.

[no, this will not bring a curse on your family or "manifest itself," that's magical thinking. if you argue about this in my notes on a post meant for cult escapees who are already struggling with religious trauma i'm reporting you <3]

leaving

pretending to be "late" to a church service is a good tactic if the services aren't held in the same area as where you're living. i told them i was running late from work and in reality i was at the commune house away from the service throwing all my shit in my car.

the second time, they had already caught onto that trick and started driving me to services directly so i wouldn't have a chance to leave. if this is the case for you, 3am is generally a great time to leave. usually night owls go to bed around 2am and early risers get up around 6am, so 3am leaves you with 3 hours to gtfo and an hour of buffer in case anyone stayed up late.

i was living in a room with four other women, so i had to be very, very skilled as far as not waking anyone goes. think critically about your roommates' sleep habits if this is the case for you in your cult. i made sure to walk closer to the bed of the heavy sleeper.

walk barefoot if taking the "middle of the night escape" approach. even if it's cold. if there's snow, you may have to keep your shoes by the front door/window you're escaping from if you're having to make several trips back and forth. wear non-slip socks if you must wear socks. if the socks get wet, take them off. a great way to attract attention is by leaving footprints everywhere, or by busting your ass and getting caught because a lamp broke.

a great excuse for being up late to leave is that you're feeling sick to your stomach and need to be close to the bathroom. fake a v*miting episode if you have to.

don't leave letters. don't send goodbye texts. leave some stuff behind if you can, especially blankets and the like to make it look less empty in your living space. my cult didn't even realize i was gone until 12 hours after i left because they thought i'd just gone to work. that's 12 hours of time where i wasn't being looked for, which made me a whole lot harder to find.

block EVERYONE. as soon as you possibly can. once you're out of the direct cult location, pull off into a safe place where you won't be immediately found and block anyone who is directly there or who could be persuaded into attempting to contact you on their behalf.

after leaving

try not to be alone, if you can help it. now's not the time for self-work. if you know loneliness might trigger the desire to go back, don't get lonely. hang out with friends all the time, go to clubs [responsibly and safely], take extra shifts at work if you can. try to hang out with your coworkers, i think like 80% of my friends back then were people i worked with. they might not be the best friends you ever had, but this isn't about making forever connections. it's about not going insane from loneliness.

online friends are also great! i had/have quite a few who helped me immensely in the months after i left. if you're the kind of person to stay up late when none of your other friends irl are awake, online friends with opposite time schedules are *chefs kiss* lovely. join discord servers for your interests if you aren't sure where to start with, but some discord servers can be toxic asf so don't be afraid to abandon a groupchat if it's too much.

don't pick up habits if you can help it. one habit turns into a million, especially when you're this vulnerable. i smoked a single cigarette as an act of rebellion and two years later my nicotine addiction can be directly traced back to me self-medicating my anxiety.

that being said. and i am toeing the line heavily between realistic and ethical here. but. if i had to choose between staying in the cult or having a nicotine addiction, i'd choose the addiction. i can break an addiction without having to change my account and routing number, soooo. yeah. take that as you will.

post-cult agoraphobia is real. don't feel guilty if it's hard to leave the house at first. grocery delivery is an option. grocery pickup is an option. uber eats is a thing that exists. you'll find your safe places & start to feel less threatened, over time.

idk if this will help anyone else, but i personally benefitted greatly from making a comprehensive list of shit they told me not to do and doing it anyways. please do not endanger yourself in this process, but. fuck it! i dyed my hair purple. i did a shitty job, but it made me happy. i kissed an embarrassing number of people. i came out as a lesbian. i adopted a cat. i wrote a book. i found myself through losing the pieces of the cult until the pieces of me filed in and took their place.

if you can help it, try to avoid the physical location or even the city the cult is located in for awhile. i understand the morbid urge to keep visiting but don't, if you can help it.

nostalgia is a BITCH and a LIAR. that cult leader was not your replacement mother, she is a bitch. the other cult members are not your brothers and sisters, they are traumatized brainwashed individuals. don't try to save them, either. if they reach out to you for help that's one thing but now's not the time to be a martyr.

most importantly: breathe. i used to physically look at a clock and talk myself through every minute on the very bad nights. just "one more minute. i can survive one more minute." it's fun to watch it grow to two minutes, then five, then an hour, and eventually you realize you're not counting your survival in increments anymore, and then one day you realize you're thriving. but be nice to yourself in the interim. it's been two years for me and i just now don't feel like i'm drowning anymore.

please reach out if you need more advice/someone to talk to. you don't have to do this alone. i believe in you and you're gonna get out and stay out.

you will survive this. i promise.

#cult #ex cult #cult survivor #cult escapee #exvangelical #ex fundie #exmo tag #ex jw #ex jehovah's witness #domestic violence #escaping abuse #religious trauma #religious abuse #spiritual trauma #spiritual abuse #leaving abuse #abuse #abusive family #emotional abuse #if you have any other tips or advice feel free to add them in reblogs! the more the merrier #my experience is not universal and i understand this so more advice is always welcomed

[returning-to-her]

Hi, followers and friends.

I'm helping a friend leave an abusive marriage. I've created a go-fund-me for her in my name. I'm asking for help if you can.

If you enjoy my writing and the posts I share on this blog, I'd love some support in this women’s adventure. This is an opportunity to help women find safety and security.

I will update as things move forward.

- Laura Rose Radice

#patriarchy #radical feminism #divine female #anti patriarchy #mother nature #radfem #womensrights #womenempowerment #radical feminist #women power #male violence #female suffering #domestic violence #covert abuse #financial abuse #abuse #toxic relationship #leaving abuse #emotional abuse

[collamusica]

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨We have been contacted by a Snack Sack mom who is bravely leaving an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, she has suffered significant loss and damage to her property during this difficult time.

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 As part of our support efforts, we kindly ask that you consider providing this family with store gift cards (Target, Walmart, grocery stores etc.,) so that she can purchase necessary replacements and upgrades within the safety of her new environment.

Please message me if your have gift cards and I will forward them to mom.

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 I’m begging you all to take this very serious as not everyone has the tools and the resources to leave abusive situations. Let’s support this mama.

Here’s how to support. PLEASE give what you can:

1. https://donorbox.org/snack-sack-donations

2. @Chamieka on Venmo

3. $ChamiekaSH

For Cash App and Venmo ONLY, please write “mom” in the notes in an effort to maintain accurate and transparent records.

Link directly to the Snack Shack

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/VQnoUa8SrokoArDz/?mibextid=TrneLp

#leaving abuse #starting over #property damage #money help #mothermoneyhelp #giftcard #help a mom leaving abuse

[lgbtq-archives]

(𝐉𝐮𝐦𝐩) - 𝐀 𝐒𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡 & 𝐄𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

#lgbtq #gay community #lesbian #lgbtq community #gay artist #lgbtq artist #original music #original song #positivity #your body is a temple #just jump #be free #freedom #leaving abuse #abusive relationship #relationshipgoals #what you are scared of #Youtube

[vizthedatum]

Grieve the acknowledgment that you didn’t choose to use the power you had

Grieve the fears you held on to

Grieve the frustration and resentment

Grieve the survival mechanisms that you honed so well

Grieve

Rage

Breakdown

And then ask yourself: What if I just did it? What if I approached this from an act of self-love? What if I plunged into the unknown?

Could it be worse than everything I’ve done so far?

#healing #trauma #love #neurodivergence #queer #self love #trans #coming out #leaving abuse #all of it #life #poetry #prose

[opossum-dyke]

I'm not doing romantic love for a long time... but one day I hope to have a partner who is kind and gentle with me...

#relationships #leaving abuse #thoughts #Aqueertalksqueerly

[freefromfearforever]

Leftovers...

Leftover feelings....Loud whispers from the sidelines, tap dancing on exposed nerves, raw wounds, fresh scabs and scars....waking up at odd times during the night, dreams flashing neon light that dims and disappears into the ether with a click of the bedside lamp....

My heart has come to know a resting place, a place of refuge, a quiet knowing deep within....with each successive switch; taking each memory, flashback, and overwhelming emotional response and laying it down at the altar of the One who created us in His image, becomes easier and easier. That still small voice echoes within a vast space filled with guilt, with shame, with blame, with walls no longer running with the filth and poison that inhabited it for so very long...

It fills, it sweeps, it blows a mighty wind to wipe out the vestiges of regret and self-hate...

It comes in with absolute acceptance...with the gift of unconditional Love...with a sweet scent of change, of re-birth....knowing that you will never be the same, that wind of change comes in and reveals new life, a better life... a life of purpose, of a strength beyond our ken...of a quiet calmness that defeats the voices whispering ugly words, and uglier promises...

This dear hearts is what awaits on the other side of that massive void you see...on the other side of hell awaits a heaven here on earth. The light grows brighter and brighter with each successive step on your path...yours alone to anticipate. But know this my friends...that void is a lie...the lie that the climb out of the pit is too far, too hard, too much to accomplish in your weakened state...oh I know, I know...each step hurts, each hand placed on those walls to climb out aches...with each step, each handhold the dream is discarded, dropped...like scales falling from your eyes, the climb is a sloughing off of the weight placed upon your shoulders. The weight of hatred, the weight of fault, of shame, of embarrassment, of responsibility, of a love never returned...

Healing hurts....the death of a dream, the death of hope in the one person you thought to build that dream with...it aches, it pulls....

Do you feel it dear hearts, do you feel the lightness of foot with each step up and out?

In Faith...step out....believing that as you do those things that have buried you will begin to fall behind you, beneath you...freeing you to find YOU again, truly. A new you...a different, stronger you....brave and true.

'The Shepherd laughed too. "I love doing preposterous things," he replied. "Why, I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which has been marred into perfection."'

-Hinds' Feet on High Places

Perfection...with all your scars and wounds....repaired with gold, filling holes and cracks with the purest of metals..stronger than ever before...

Everyday dear friends is a battle...I will not lie to you, nor sugar coat the cost of the journey...but oh the rewards!

One day the tears will end over this particular chapter in my story, and yours too...like a stream cutting through the desert, eventually it dries up and we are left with a path cut through to a lush landscape of greenery, of life springing from a bottomless well of love. This is God's promise to us...2 Corinthians 1:10

“And He did rescue us from mortal danger, and He will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us.”

Go with God today and every day, I pray His peace finds you where you are today, in this moment and every moment of despair, of fear....there is a way for you, a promise just for you...you are unique, special, worthy dear hearts..worthy of love, of compassion, of kindness...do not forget you are warriors all...capable of such strength, of such feats of courage and bravery...capable, enduring and beautiful.

Live in this moment....in this present moment and let God worry about the details...we cannot change nor control the future, it is and will forever be a blank slate to be filled in as we go, as we live and breathe and love and give....so rest dear broken and lost, rest in the moment and find that calm place within you that no one can steal, nor rob from.

Walk softly, speak softly and carry a big stick...survive dear ones and live to see your way free from peril, physically...mentally...emotionally...

#free from fear #leaving abuse

[failuresandfaults]

I had a pretty wild therapy session yesterday.

It was not the first time I’ve had a health professional call my situation domestic violence. But it hasn’t made it any easier. How can I be a victim when he never hit me? I spent every day vomiting, thinking ending it would make it easier, but he wasn’t hitting me so it wasn’t abuse.

She asked me if I was ever scared, and I explained a situation I had been gaslighted into thinking didn’t happen. A few people know, but it is hard to talk about. She said that because this was just what I thought was normal you probably hadn’t thought of an escape plan. And I hadn’t. I was so confused at what was going on. How could this person who was so perfect for 6 months turn into a monster literally over night. I thought every time he exploded, it would be the last. And that cycle just continued. And I’m learning that it’s one of the hardest things to break.

Everything hurts and I feel so lost. But I’m making progress.

#personal #leaving abuse #tw dv

[leansipprrr]

190 days free.

#leaving abuse #abuse survivor #abusive partner #anniversary #grooming

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:

There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’

like wow babe. good fucking point

#like you were on the ground biting the carpet and dry sobbing while you wrote that and still. good fucking point #not a shitpost #cptsd #and it's true. there's never a satisfying answer #the truth is i know why i wasn't loved #i analyzed my parent's traumas and abuse to death. i understand why i alienated and was alienated from my siblings #i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing #i know why my dad vanished into addiction and avoidance #the details of our cycles of trauma and cptsd and family history i have a phd in all of it #i understood perfectly. i spent years studying and now i knew the answer #and guess what? IT WAS NOT SATISFYING!!! #because they still didn't love me! and i still couldn't change that! #it was still a completely unsatisfying state of affairs! #so like. when the people who are supposed to love you...don't. #when the people who are supposed to take care of you...fail to #you can look for answers and reasons and explanations #but that's not actually going to FIX your situation. #and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation. (and definitely not your job) #because you don't need answers--you need a new situation #*inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme* #and yes. walking out isn't always possible. #but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap. #stepping away from the people who failed to love you...it feels like being untethered but also like being lighter than air #new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust #like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be #when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole

[wandering-star65]

I have zero friends. And I'm very okay with that.

Don't get me wrong, I get along with a lot of people and there's more than enough acquaintances to keep me socially adept for the foreseeable future.

But as far as close friends, people I hang with, share my thoughts and feelings with.....I've really got no one.

And that's not entirely a bad thing.

This allows me to be wildly independent and introspective, albeit lonely at times.

But I have lost faith in anyone having a real connection with me on this plane of existence.

I watched for an entire year, as my life as I knew it was falling apart (I had my own dirty hand in that as well, so there's no illusion about that. No pity party here). But I had watched people whom I thought I had built lifelong and meaningful connections with scatter to the wind.

I had people who I thought KNEW me, believe the most hurtful and unhinged shit against me. I had all my male friends start hitting my abuser up, thirst follow, etc. To try and fuck her (which I know a few did 🤮 get checked).

I was a new father experiencing his worst fears.

I lost everything to say the least.

BUT

What I gained was vastly more valuable than any of those people.

Therapy. Upgrading and changing my trajectory. Changing my entire mindset and perspective.

Am I fully healed? Hell no, I still have my bad moments. And there's times I still don't show up at my best...

But in terms of understanding people. Patterns. Red Flags. And allowing myself to fully be myself, with the goal of saving my energies for those who deserve it.

I'm the best I've been in decades. And it's made me what I think is a better father for my son.

Take a year to find yourself and learn how to heal yourself without the distraction of others.

You'll thank yourself later.

#personal #me #into the void #narc survivor #co parenting with a narcissist #leaving abuse #leaving #restarting #new identity

[thebibliosphere]

Whenever I talk about the medical neglect and ableism I've encountered as a victim of the healthcare system, there's always some cockwaffle who feels entitled to come into my inbox and make the argument of "not all doctors" while talking about how "people like them" (because it's always someone in a field of medicine who does this) are doing their best and it's really hard because so many people fake being ill to get on welfare (Yikes), but like, yeah, obviously #not all doctors, because if all doctors were negligent, bullying scum bags, I'd be dead.

But here's the thing: while I truly believe that the majority of doctors are doing their best in a system stacked against them and their patients, their presence does not negate the mass harm caused by the bad ones. And there are far more bad ones than you realize.

Fuck, John Oliver literally did a segment on this last week:

Yes, the truly bad, malicious doctors are in the minority. Most are just horrifically burned out and fighting a losing battle against a system, killing both them and their patients through a lack of funding and resources and profound overwork.

But the malicious ones do exist, and they will go out of their way to harm patients who don't kowtow to them.

I almost lost my life because when I was in my early twenties, I told a doctor I didn't think she was listening to me, and I disagreed with her assessment of my mental health (she was not a mental health doctor, and I was there for heart palpitations and chronic pain). She retaliated by putting "non-compliant" in my file.

There was also a fun little "doesn't show respect" note too that lives rent-free in my head because I know I wasn't rude. I was polite. I just didn't agree with her, and my refusal to accept her off-handed comment that "you probably have bipolar or BPD" (again, I was there for heart palpitations and chronic pain) meant I was "refusing care."

I wasn't. I just refused to be slapped with a mood/personality disorder when I was there because I kept fucking fainting when I stood up.

(Spoiler alert: it was dysautonomia)

That "non-compliant" marker followed me around for years. It followed me across an ocean and effectively ensured that any doctor I saw was going to treat me like absolute dogshit because no one wants to help Difficult Patients. It wasn't until I was so undeniably ill, literally on the brink of death, that anyone helped me.

I'm alive because of a good doctor. And all the good ones that came after him because of him.

So, I know they exist. You don't have to tell me that.

But I really fucking need you to acknowledge the bad ones and that you're part of a system with a long, long history of abusing minorities and vulnerable people. I need you to acknowledge that because it's the only way we're going to survive this godforsaken nightmare and make things better.

So yeah, #notalldoctors, but if you feel the need to say that because someone talking about being literally left to die by the medical system hurts your feelings, I'm going to have to ask you to take a step back and ask yourself if you're going into medicine for the right reasons.

Namely: do you want to help people, even the "difficult" ones?

Even the ones who might disagree with you?

Even if they're on welfare?

Even if they'll never get "better" in a way that means "cured"?

Just a thought. But hey, what do I know. I'm just someone who experienced hemolytic anemia because doctors kept telling me I was anxious and needed to exercise more 🤷‍♀️.

#chronic health tag #medical abuse #medical neglect #medical #ableism #to all the good health care workers who follow me and leave supportive comments: I appreciate you so much #but you need to come get your fellow drs #and idk #give 'em a shake or something #Youtube

[vizthedatum]

TW: weight loss (but I’m not trying to say anything about what is healthy or not for you - weight is not the only indicator of health - I am only talking about my personal experience)

—

I had my annual physical and PCP visit this past Wednesday. I’ve lost 60 lbs since March 1, 2022 (my last physical exam where I also was extremely hypertensive and had just been diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea… both issues don’t exist for me anymore).

I’ve always had issues with my weight… chronic stress, PCOS, etc. I’ve got the saggy skin and stretch marks and the memories of childhood bullying to prove it. (I love my stretch marks now. I’ve finally accepted my sagginess. I have lived A LIFE in this body - this body has gotten me this far.)

I hate that so much of my mind space for most of my life has been dedicated to weight. Fuck that. I hate that healthcare puts way too much emphasis on it.

When I started living my life for myself, having boundaries, and then ultimately being able to leave my ex-spouse with the help of my friends, I rapidly lost weight and many of my health conditions improved. I still have health issues of course - they’re chronic! But I’m so much better! And I actually eat waaayyy more now - so thankful.

I don’t even go into autistic meltdown or shutdown as much… even though I’m having pretty bad PTSD flashbacks and freezes, especially at work. And I still have SI every month because of my PMDD and period.

It’s like… astonishing.

I was beautiful when I was heavier. I realize that now.

I am beautiful now. But this time, I feel beautiful and feel healthier - but that has little to do with my weight loss.

I am less stressed. I must remember this.

So it’s not really about weight loss. This is about STRESS LOSS.

Abuse from my parents and intimate partners wrecked my life in so many ways. Pushing myself in academia burned me out. And I am figuring out my life. It’s so hard but I have to remember that this is worth it.

#cw weight #weight loss #leaving abuse #healing #trauma

[nerdpoe]

Young Justice is always a little...concerned. With Phantom's living situation. Now they're outright afraid for him, and Bart has decided it's time to Ask An Adult.

It was the little quips. The tiny little things. Stuff that didn't seem to matter to Phantom at all, or appeared to be normal for him, that he didn't realize weren't normal at all.

"Oh, better not hope my mom catches me." "Doing what, staying out past bedtime?" "Nah, using my powers; she'd vivisect me!"

"Another stab wound. Great." "Don't worry Phantom, I've got the med kit-" "Oh, I'm not a baby or anything, I can handle it just fine. Just gimme a sec to take it out."

"My dad has better aim than that." "...Like, when he's hunting, right?" "...At what other times would he be shooting at me?"

"Huh. Not as bad as my parents place. Look; they have a decontamination shower!" "Phantom, this lab has been vandalized to the point of needing a hazmat suit." "Did I stutter?"

Finding out each others identities did nothing to soothe the worry. Tim quietly told the others that every time he tried to run facial recognition, he kept hitting a government firewall he couldn't breach. Phantom never told them his last name, just his first, and 'Danny' is super common.

The thing that really did it though, the thing that made Bart snap and run off to ask Max, was when Danny had a nightmare.

He was talking in his sleep.

"No. Don't-stop. Stoooop. I need...my skin. Mom, no. You can't...peel off...my skin..."

Bart didn't even wait for them to wake Danny up before he was standing in front of Max, talking a mile a minute as he tried to figure out what to do, with Wally staring in horror over a plate of waffles as he computed everything that Bart was saying.

~~~~~~

Danny had a dream about his mom and Skulker arguing about how to skin him. He wouldn't really call it a nightmare, because it was just Skulker, but the scariest thing was Skulker insisting to his mom that it was possible to skin him with a potato peeler. Dream mom was arguing that it was not, and that from a scientific standpoint that was a really piss poor way to preserve a specimen.

He hadn't been begging them to stop hurting him, he'd been whining at them to knock it off.

But when he wakes up, it's to a room full of worried friends and an old man who calls himself Max.

"Kid, I think we need to talk."

#dpxdc #dcxdp #dp x dc #dc x dp #phanfic #story prompt #first convo was with cassie #second was with bart #third was with kon #fourth was with tim #max is fully prepared to take in another kid #bart is fully prepared to share #wally went to dick to ask him to put his detective training to work and find phantom's parents #wally was just visiting max #catching up #shooting the shit #when suddenly bart comes in and just trauma dumps about one of the other young justice heroes #who is apparently in a super abusive situation #and probably needs help #body horror tw #skinning tw #but only mentioned in the context of a super weird dream #danny's living situation COULD use some improvements #but it's not as bad as everyone thinks #anti ecto acts are still a thing #but as long as danny is with young justice the GIW leave him alone so #eh #not like they're good at their jobs anyways #max is about to blow his mind with the following information #“you are not okay. it's okay to not be okay. but kid. you need help and we're offering.”