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#religious trauma
finsterhund · 3 hours ago
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This week I've really realized that sheep make me uncomfortable due to religious trauma. (they’re a relatively common motif in kidcore/childhood aesthetic tumblr so I’ve been seeing them a lot running a sideblog)
I feel bad because I know it's not the fault of the animals themselves and they didn't chose this but the sight/iconography of domestic sheep just I hate seeing, I feel uncomfortable, wouldn't say it's an outright trigger but just don't like looking at them. Don’t like them being the universal symbol of purity, etc.
Closest comparison is the sadness when I think about cows but that's different. That’s a remorse because once we had made them we destroyed something beautiful and important (the auroch) so I always have this feeling of loss but with sheep it's very much a "you were forced to relate to this. Your abusers saw you as this"
I could go into a big essay about how messed up it is to be portrayed as the livestock of your leaders and how that pretty much iconifies the toxic power dynamic of ownership and control but it’s likely been already done to death.
Growing up I was always really mad because “I’m not a lamb I’m a puppy” and I feel that this was a very early rebellion that would lay the foundation for me breaking out of it at a considerably young age (12)
Having distance from the sources of my trauma to really process it means I’m looking back on things instead of seeing things from the normalized inside heart of the storm.
Also it’s only domestic sheep. Bighorns, rams, etc. are all exempt.
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florenceisfalling · 3 hours ago
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also ive seen sm syscourse in dni banners on those kind of pages and its wild to me bc that particular area of the internet seems to just be a conversation like “i have some similarities to you” “stop saying we’re the same” “i know, we just have a few similarities”
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exvangelical · 4 hours ago
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remembering how my parents' former pastor (and the one individual outside of my family that's probably dealt the most religious trauma to me as a whole due to him being obsessed with the end times) was a salesman prior to becoming a pastor as i'm reading about how narcissists and toxic people with aspd are better salespeople...
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joan-burned · 9 hours ago
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I look for dark orchestral/instrumental tracks to help me set the tone for writing and I checked one out called The Devil by Peter Gundry and it nearly gave me a panic attack because I was afraid of getting possessed.
I finally thought my fear of music possessing me was over but it's only been a short time since deconverting so I guess this is to be expected : [
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be-ca-lm · 11 hours ago
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a therapist told me to pray about it
another one told me to write a letter to god
as if the countless hours i spent, sitting, kneeling, on my back 
furtively whispering, desperately trying to connect
were not enough of a one-sided therapeutic relationship already
i felt tortured praying and ashamed when i was silent
a prayer must be re-prayed if not holy enough
a dozen good prayers may counteract a lackluster one
i cannot sleep, i am late, exhausted
but at least i prayed
the words i wrote in every childhood journal
each one a chapter, an ode to that glimpse in time
the tear splashed pages, the self-deprecation, the pleas to make me
better
holy
acceptable
clean
every sermon landed in my heart like a slurry of arrows
every hymn a brief respite, a balm for tormented spirits
every man who bounced his eyes while preaching submission
i was a sheep to the slaughter
i was imperfectly perfect
a captive who flagellates herself is to be praised for her efforts
servant-hearted and a slave to grace
those who are set free into captivity are free indeed
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ifyouseekay468 · 22 hours ago
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Say what you want about vegitales but
Hello, I’m from the IRS, and I’m here t—🚪
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limbo-rock · a day ago
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If your existence does not dishonor Jack Chick or any other staunch evangelical, is life even worth living?
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oxygenlessfire · a day ago
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I think that time I went to confessional when I was like 10 and instead of confessing anything I was like "I think I'm pretty cool" and the priest was like "alright then...four hail Marys for the sin of pride" may have permanently damaged my psyche
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riv-blr · a day ago
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I don’t think I’ve ever made a proper post about Vega, have I?  If I have, so sorry, I guess you’re getting it again because. Vega Mochizuki my beloved.
So, first things first, he was born and raised in what is essentially a cult commune going by the Church of the Yawning Star: a group of people who worship the sea and everything in it, but don’t believe it should be, or even can be, controlled by a singular deity.  He wasn’t exactly against the more religious side of things - it was more just a regular process for him - so nothing really seemed out of the ordinary (he didn’t really have anything to compare it to).
A few years into his life, his sister, Delta, is born.  Delta is - for all intents and purposes - literally a living god.  More precisely, a physical manifestation of everything they worshipped (she’s referred to in one in-lore text as ‘the essence of the roiling sea’), so, naturally, Delta is doted on and payed attention to and - essentially - worshipped.  And Vega is... kind of left behind.  His father, Antari, barely pays him any heed in favour of his sister, and he’s not allowed to talk to her unless he’s deemed ‘worthy’ and ‘safe’ for her to interact with.  
(It’s not actually much better for Delta - I’ll make another post about her at some point, probably - but he’s still insanely jealous.)
Now, this experience - being the big brother of the literal messiah - messes Vega up a little.  He ends up desperate to come across as unique, or special, or anything other than just second-best - to the point that he lets some of the more innovation-minded members of the Church kind of experiment on him (and even that’s mostly due to his relation to Delta, but he tries not to think about that), which is how he ends up with blue blood.  (His skin also turns a pale blue when it comes into contact with water, but that one’s natural.)
And eventually, he just... has enough.  He figures that nobody would even notice him gone, and if they did, this would get their attention enough to at least make them stop ignoring him, and tries to throw himself off a cliff-side and into the ocean.
He fails.  A winged elf named Iliad sees him falling and catches him, brings him in, and nurses him back to health with the rest of her little group (The Empyrian Sect - Sage, Manifold, Camilla, Michelle, and Soots.  Never talked about them on here since they’re barely developed, but those are the names).  
He doesn’t join, though. They offer, but at this point he so desperately wants to do something big that he feels he has to try something more.  So, he joins Polaris as a researcher, figuring he can make some big scientific or magical discovery and be remembered for that (plus, he likes insects - specifically butterflies - and being able to study them is a bonus).  And, eventually, that leads to him being hired by Fabrica Kiriatta alongside a certain, significantly more homicidal scientist to assist her with the... issue, in Redglass.  He doesn’t agree with the concept, obviously - much less the methods that Avarice insists on using - but the man has the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair, so of course, he agrees nonetheless.  
He’s also deathly afraid of thunderstorms.  Ever since he left the Church, he’s felt that he’s betrayed his deity, and every thunderstorm he just can’t shake the feeling that this is divine punishment, and he’s going to be struck down for being a traitor.  For a similar reason, despite his... opinions on the deity that defined the large majority of his life, he never audibly speaks ill of it, and in fact often reflexively says a small prayer whenever drinking water (Avarice hates that, obviously), because he feels that letting himself think those thoughts - nevermind saying them out loud - is blasphemy, and he’s going to be punished for it.
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keelin-it · a day ago
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Just got a call from a random number. Didn't answer and I'm glad I didn't because they left me a voicemail. It was some lady from a church telling me happy birthday (it's not my birthday) and then she prayed for me....over the phone ...in a voicemail.
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laurendlessly · a day ago
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just a reminder: you don’t need religion to be a good person or one who’s “worthy” of anything. No god made morals for the world and humanity has been fine. You’ll be ok.
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lavandersprig16 · a day ago
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Overwhelming sadness, whenever I'm asked about my family. I can't very well explain everything into detail enough to where someone would even, BEGIN to fully understand. But without really trying I usually just say " oh well my dad was a marine, and my mom died in 2020" , cause even though that's Vuage... it's the thrill of the mystery.
Im about to be 24 years old. My mother was 25 years old when I was born. I've been thinking about that alot lately. As a feminist I know my body is my own and on my own accord I will do with my body what I see fit. As a human with hormones, there is part of me that wants only what Eros and Aphrodite allow. I struggle with this because I do not want to take from another person what my mother and father alike have taken from me.
My father is alive, but unfortunately he is a man of religion and without having to detail the wonders of man, he is not biological, and even so I do not associate with him and his hatred any longer. I think my mother would have wanted it that way.
I want to start a family. I am happy in my relationship. I'm working on myself and working alike. And pretty soon my boyfriend and I will be able to get our own place again. It'll be nice. Maybe this is the start of a family, maybe this is a puzzle piece.
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