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danielxricciardo · 3 years

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Can you do one with Max, with 46 and 55 from angst list?

Summary: You are suffering from depression and Max tries to be by your side

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide, depression

Word count: 3.6k+

46. “I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

55. “You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay.”

Depression feels like a lot of things.

It feels like sadness, which is what everyone will tell you. It's a pretty common thread.

"I'm worthless."

"Everyone thinks I'm a horrible burden."

So on and so forth.

Everyone in the world is happy but you, and in the end, you are a worthless piece of shit that doesn't belong in this otherwise glorious and happy place. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are lying there on your bed in the same unlaundered pair of pajamas, wondering why you are even allowed to keep living any longer. Some meteor strikes or lightning bolts should be reserved for people like you because you are taking up space and oxygen and food and other resources that real, happy, productive people need.

It feels like emptiness. You have all these possibilities and none of them seem interesting. You could do some art, or play some music, but that just doesn't feel right. There's no joy in it. You could have sex with your significant other, but you can't muster up the desire. You could play video games, or read a book. But what's the point? There's no real benefit to all of it but passing the time. You could get up and make lunch. But no, you're not that hungry, and if you close your eyes, time will pass a little faster. You can lie there. That works. It doesn't require active effort to do something fruitless. Everything is as empty and fruitless as lying and staring out your window at the clouds and the shifting shadows of tree branches, and so why do anything else?

It feels like fatigue. Standing up out of your bed requires the same amount of bodily effort as climbing several flights of stairs. Managing to get dressed and walk outside is like running a race. Heaven helps you if you try to go to the store or a friend's house -- that may as well be on the other side of the continent. Every step is heavy. Every muscle motion requires ten times the work it used to. Exercise becomes difficult, and control over your body expires quickly. You become clumsier, so heavy lifting is right out. You daze out randomly, daydreaming, even dozing, so biking or running is hard. You feel most at home when you are entirely relaxed, so you lie down...and don't get up again until something like your bladder compels you.

It feels like a loss of control. You have no idea why your brain and body are doing this. You don't want to feel sad. Nobody wants to feel shitty and tired and empty all the time. People will look at you and say, "It's like you don't want to get better." Those people are idiots. You truly, deeply, from the bottom of your soul, have no idea why this has happened or what to do. It's not logical. It makes no sense. You woke up like this, or it crept in overtime or something like that. It's like a fog, a force of nature that sweeps in, occludes everything, and there's not one thing you can do about it from where you stand. Trying feels like taking a paper fan outside and trying to blow away the morning mist. Someone has tied puppet strings to your brain and is playing this hideous dance with it, and you don't have the scissors to cut them away. The dance doesn't make sense; it's arbitrary and rhythmless. If you had any sort of reasoning behind it, you could take control. But you don't.

It feels like desperation. You can't find a way out. You lie there at night, keening into your pillow like a wounded animal, making all sorts of noises that no human being should be able to make. You claw and scratch at the sheets, or at yourself, as the pain wrings itself out through bodily expression. The tears won't stop. You don't know why. All you know is that it hurts, it really and truly hurts, and you think if it goes on any longer, you're going to die. Right there. Bleed out on the floor. So you grab up your phone, and you call someone at 4 AM, and you beg them to please just make it stop. You bury yourself in books and movies because at least then you can imagine something else than yourself. You read nonstop. You have to have your fix. It's like an addiction, no, more like a life support machine. Otherworlds, fantasies of happiness, and real experiences that aren't your horrible existence become the iron lung keeping air flowing in and out. You are alive because you can stop thinking for a while. Your friends come over to comfort you. Their stories keep you sane and well, like dialysis for all the toxins in you. Your mind has failed at being independent, and now it relies on a thousand little machines to keep itself running. You rely on one machine until another comes to save you. You read books until your friends come by. You stretch out your time with friends until you have to bury yourself in a movie again just to keep the thought of real-life away.

It feels like untamed anger. Your friends can't keep this up forever. You fall further and further, and you eventually start dropping commitments. You have become That Person, the flake that everyone knows will back out. People start getting annoyed at you, annoyed at how they have to spend so much time just keeping you afloat, annoyed at how often you're causing them trouble by constantly disappearing and backing out of appointments, and so on. Your workplace gets annoyed at your lack of productivity. And then you can't take it anymore, and you want to scream at them, grab them by the throat and shake them because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You start having twisted fantasies, the ones where you walk up to that person who keeps telling you he can't do this anymore, you're just too unreliable, putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. Just to make him know, for once, that FUCK HIM, your problems are REAL, DAMMIT, REAL, and he better FUCKING RESPECT that. And when you're gone, he'll fall to his knees and cry, and he'll say, he wishes he had understood, that he didn't mean to be so unkind, and the scar on his heart from his own failure will remain fresh and knotted for eternity. And then you shake yourself out of the daydream, and you wonder why you have turned into such a horrible person, someone who even considers ending their own life just to spite another human being. Then it creeps back in, the knowledge that the world is getting fed up with you...and the cycle begins again. You start thriving off these daydreams, because at the very least if you can't be happy, you can throw caution to the wind and get the petty, oddly satisfying revenge buried under all those layers of morality that are becoming worn and flaking away. It's just a fantasy, right? And it helps pass the time...

It feels like forever. You have forgotten what it's like to truly be joyful. You can imagine it, but it's not really you in those thoughts. This is who you are. This is your life. This is you.

It feels like you have only one thing truly under your power: your existence. You cannot choose what life throws at you. Your brain and body have betrayed you. Your friends have worn away, and you've fled from your job and any commitments you have.

It feels empowering. You can jump whenever you want.

But he accepted you the way you are. He never reproached you for negatively influencing his mentality or life, even though you knew he felt it too. He always listened to you, he was with you even at 2 in the morning when you were crying on the bathroom floor with your knees to your chest, and you knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right for him to go through, basically, what you were going through. But no matter how much you told him you could do it without his help, Max was coming back more insistently than ever.

He came up with the idea to start therapy. "You have to find out why you feel this way. Go at least once, see how it is, if you don't like it or feel that it doesn't help you, you will give up, okay?" That was a year and a half ago.

The psychologist gave you a diagnosis from the first session: Major Depressive Disorder. Sure you knew what the three words meant, but you didn't know what it meant to have a label on your condition.

"A major depressive disorder is characterized by one or more of these depressive episodes. the diagnosis of major depressive disorder requires depressed mood or anhedonia which is the loss of interest in pleasure and five or more signs or symptoms for the SIGECAPS mnemonic for a 2-week period. (SIGECAPS) Sleep Disturbance, loss of Interest, feeling Guilty, feeling fatigued and low in Energy, having decreased Concentration, decreased or increased Appetite and been agitated and slow and having Suicidal ideation."

It sounds incredible to you. Suicidal thoughts? Not everyone has a thought, somewhere, behind their mind 'What if I disappeared?'

You were prescribed Prozac and Zoloft and it helped. You weren't always sad anymore, you could go to the races with Max and support him as a normal girlfriend does. You apologized to my friends who tried to help me and whose lives you made impossible and you managed to get back to work, from home anyway. Sure, you still had moments when you felt like you weren't 100% yourself but not like before. You did therapy twice a week and the psychologist was happy with your evolution.

But being the stupid ass that you are, you stopped taking the medication. You took the last pill on Friday. Because you were fine. You felt ok, everyone around you told you you were better, you were doing amazing, so you were cured, right? Or so you thought. Saturday was normal. Sunday was not. Your mood and energy were very low. You woke up at like 2 in the afternoon. That is not unusual for you. You’re used to it. You were sad. You were exhausted. You knew that feeling like this was “no excuse” so you tried to force yourself to do it anyway. Typical of your life. You feel like you had already taken so much off work because of the triple-header, you were for three weeks attached to the hips with Max.

The only thing you thought of was dying. And that terrified you. And Max senses something was wrong. But he didn't want to tell something and ending up being wrong and you being upset by his misinterpretation. But, yes, he sensed that you were becoming your old self.

"Hey, babe," he snapped you out of your daydreaming. A tragic one, where you were finally at peace and Max was crying for you. You were on the verge of crying yourself at the mere image of Max in your head. But you pushed it far from your mind, somewhere in a dark corner for you to find it at an appropriate time to fantasize about your dying. "How about we go to a picnic? It's sunny outside."

Yes, the wheater was amazing. It was finally summer and you could go outside and spend some time with Max. But your brain literally is tricking you into thinking you don't deserve to enjoy the sunny day. Why? You don't have an answer.

"I'm not really in the mood, Max. Sorry."

You are not in the mood. That was his affirmation. You are not ok.

"You feeling good?"

"Yeah. Just tired I guess."

"But you just woke up."

You shrugged. He was right. You just woke up, so why do you feel like you were carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders? You couldn't walk. You almost felt like 18 months ago. And that is when it hit you. And Max, at the same time.

"Still taking your meds, I hope."

Silence. Your mind was like overcrowded and you couldn’t take it anymore. You grabbed your head and pulled your hair because you wanted it to stop. You were thinking that you didn’t know what to think. You didn’t know how to think. You didn’t know how you felt. You were like anxious-depressed-angry-miserable-irritable all in one. Your head was spinning with thoughts. Thoughts were talking over thoughts. So fast that you couldn’t even make out one complete sentence. It was just too much for you to handle. You just wanted someone to kill you.

Max came to you and he hugged you so hard you thought he could crush your bones right there and then. You calmed down eventually. But now you were embarrassed. Because Max saw you, again, at your lowest. Because you promised you'll get better, and for a while, you were better, but now you are fucked and back into square one. All those money on therapy and your pills, for what? For you to stop taking them because you thought you were feeling better? Well, you definitely were not ok, nor you'll be. So, yeah, being fucked sounded good.

Max brought you the medicine and a glass of water. Taking the pills again? For what? The pills only fuel the feeling that everything is fine and that you are a normal person. Nothing was good and you were not a normal person.

But you took the pills. And you looked Max in the eyes and you wanted to die. He seemed crushed. He was sad, devastated, maybe angry but definitely disappointed. In you. Because maybe you don't realize this, but while you were doing good, he was doing great. He knew you could be on your own so he stopped worrying that much, and that could also be seen in his driving. He was winning more races, he was at his best and now he was at his lowest. Because you were at your lowest; co-dependency and shit.

"I'm sorry, baby. I thought I was doing well enough to stop taking the meds," you say in a broken voice but the tears are yet to appear. He stroked your hair and kissed you on your forehead.

"You should have told me. You don't have to go thru this alone. I am here."

"Yeah, you are here. But you don't have to be!" you snapped. Irritability, one thing your depression came with. "I am just a burden for you. And no, this does not come from the fact I stopped taking my pills. You took care of me like I was a child, and, fuck it, you don't deserve this."

"Stop talking like this, alright? If I would suffer from depression you would have done the same thing. You would have taken care of me. Or am I wrong?"

"You are not wrong. To be honest, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you, but I don't want you to be. It's obvious that I would never get better. This is me. I am fucked in the head, half wishing I was dead and I am just bringing you down."

"Don't tell me this is a fucking break up, Y/N." he narrows his brows and looks at your features to make sure you were being serious.

“I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

"What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a break-up or a suicidal vocal note?"

You broke down. Crying can be cathartic and healthy, but if it goes on too long it can lock your body in a feeling of despair. Even if your mind works through the problem that caused the crying, because your body is still feeling the physical effects it will cause your mind to revert to the negative state. It's not sadness. It's dread and paralysis. You had a certain feeling of emptiness and purposelessness.

“You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay,” you say between sobs.

"You want me to find you a reason to stay alive or to stay in this relationship? To be frank, I can name a thousand reasons, but it all depends on you."

Max hugs you from behind and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat that was stronger than ever. You allowed yourself to inhale Max's scent, a soothing scent you could get drunk on.

"I want to believe you love me. I mean, I love you and I consider you the love of my life, you know? We are so young and I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you, I'm gonna marry you someday, even if right now you don't think you're gonna make it till tomorrow. So, yeah, this is reason number one," he said and pressed a kiss to your cheek. "This is not the worst you have been through in life. Remember where you were 18 months ago; you had no idea what was wrong with you. Now you know and you know you can be better. I know you get sick of those pills, but maybe, in the future, you won't need them. Isn't that exciting? This was reason number two," he said and pressed another kiss to your cheek. He was going to do that every time he would give you a reason. "Have you been to all the beautiful places around the world? Sure, you came to a few Grand Prix, but you never saw Great Ocean Road in Australia, you know Daniel promised he would take us there someday. You never saw Pamukkale in Turkey or Japan in Cherry Blossom season or the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. There are many places you need to visit, baby. So, yeah, this was reason number three. I don't know if you want me to continue but I can give you one more reason. Reason number four. Do it for you, baby. You deserve to live and be happy. I know you can be happy and I promise you I will do my best to help you. You just have to take it one step at a time. You just have to let me in. Let me help you, baby."

You turn around, facing him now. You loved him, with all of your heart. You love him for who he is. You love him because he literally came into your life as your lifeline. You love him because he helped you crawl up the deep bottomless abyss of depression. You love him because he had the patience and the audacity to bear with your depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, your phobias, your mood swings, your temperamental and short-tempered nature, your overthinking, your being overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. You love him because never once he thought of giving up on you in your hard times. You love him because he stands by you like a rock of unwavering support and he’s someone you can fall back on. You love him because he listens to you talking non-stop about your past, your pains, your fears, and your losses without complaining even once. You love him because he rediscovered you and helped you find yourself again when you were lost in darkness. You love him because he filled you with confidence and hope and strength and belief and determination. You love him because he believes you are the best when you set your mind on something and no one can stop you from achieving your goals. You love him because he is protective, caring, understanding, loving, and easy to be with while never being too suffocating or taking up your space. You love him because sooner or later he does everything you ask of him and does with his whole attention. You love him because whatever endeavor he engages in, he likes to give his 100% and hates doing half-hearted things. You love him because he can decode the nuances in your voice and judge your mood just perfectly. You love him because he read you like an open book and he can hear your silence. You love him because he never doubts your loyalty, your intentions, your hard work, and your million issues. You love him because no matter how busy he might get he never forgets that you are waiting for his message or his call. You love him because he keeps you in his priorities. You love him because he gave you a passion you never knew you had. You love him because he very strongly believes that you deserve the best of everything. You love him because he is empathic, kind, magnanimous, thoughtful, and down to Earth. You love him because he has eyes for no one but you. You love him because he wants to see you healthy, wealthy, prosperous, famous and he wants you to hold back at nothing, for no one, he wants you to be a Go-Getter. And most importantly you love him because no one ever loved you like he did.

"I will let you in," you say and you kiss him hard. "I'm sorry for the scene I caused."

"Don't be. It happens."

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jocia92 · 3 years

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(Google translated)

Dan Stevens, who grew up in Wales and south-east England, spent his summer holidays at the National Youth Theater at the age of 15, and he was drawn to the stage while studying English in Cambridge. Since his big breakthrough as Matthew Crawley in the hit series “Downton Abbey”, he has also repeatedly appeared in films such as “Inside Wikileaks - The Fifth Force”, “At Night in the Museum: The Secret Tomb” or “Beauty and the Beast” . Most recently, Stevens played the Russian Schnösel singer Lemtov in the Oscar-nominated comedy “Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga” from Netflix. At the beginning of June, the German film “Ich bin dein Mensch” by Maria Schrader celebrated at the Summer Berlinale Premiere, which starts on 1.7. comes to German cinemas regularly. Stevens plays the role of a love robot in it. Unlike on the screen, however, the 38-year-old prefers to speak English in the zoom-conducted interview. He chose a brick wall with a lion motif as the digital background. No allusion to the song “Lion of Love” from “Eurovision Song Contest”, but a photo of the famous Ishtar Gate in Berlin’s Pergamon Museum, where “I am your human” was filmed last summer.

Mr. Stevens, in your new film “I am your human” you play a humanoid robot that is entirely geared towards fulfilling the romantic needs of a skeptical scientist. You yourself recently described the film as “delightfully German”. How did you mean that?

I wanted to say that here pretty big questions - such as what actually makes a person or how much perfection love can take - are negotiated in a very light-footed, elegant and sometimes humorous way. In my experience that is a very German quality. At least I have often seen with many of my German colleagues and friends that they are very good at not discussing difficult issues exclusively deadly serious and melancholy.

Where does your personal connection to Germany and the German language come from?

My parents had friends who lived in Bielefeld and we used to visit them in North Rhine-Westphalia during the school holidays. Traveled from England by car! That’s how I learned a little German as a child, and later I learned it as a subject at school. I even did a short internship there through our friends in Bielefeld. I really love the language. Funnily enough, I was later able to use my knowledge of German professionally, because my first film was “Hilde”, in which I was next to Heike Makatsch played the British actor and director David Cameron, who was married to Hildegard Knef. After that, I always hoped that there might be another chance to speak German in front of the camera, because playing in a foreign language is an exciting challenge. When the chance arose to shoot “I am your person”, I could hardly believe my luck.

Did you know the director Maria Schrader who gave you this chance?

Funnily enough, when the script for the film landed on my table, I had just watched the Netflix series “Unorthodox”, which she directed. I had also watched a few episodes of “Deutschland 89”. In general, I knew that she was a great German actress, not least because friends who knew their way around the German theater scene often raved about her. Working with her was a joy now. Her understanding of actors is quite instinctive and brilliant. I have seldom seen someone who can help an actor who is having difficulties with a scene with such simple means.

The fact that you had already seen “Unorthodox” shows, of course, how quickly “I am your person” must have been implemented in the past year …

Oh yes, that was really quick. In March I was still in New York and was about to premiere a new play on Broadway. But then the pandemic came, everything was canceled and I flew back to my family in Los Angeles. A few weeks later, Maria and I met each other via Zoom - and shortly afterwards I was sitting outside in a café in the Berlin June sun for the first time in months to discuss the upcoming shoot with her. That was pretty surreal because I hadn’t actually left the house since March.

Is it correct that you oriented yourself to Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart to portray the romantically programmed robot Tom?

In any case, these were role models that Maria and I spoke about. When you think of the game between the two of them, you always see an enormous clarity and directness. Cary Grant, for example, was always quite funny, especially in his romantic roles, but also flawless in an almost artificial way from today’s perspective. I found that very suitable for a robot. Apart from the fact that the ideas that Tom and his algorithm have of romance and love are certainly also shaped by the classic romantic comedies from Hollywood. Oh, the woman is sad, so I’ll bring her flowers! Such automatisms from the stories from back then were very appropriate for Tom now.

Keyword role models: Who shaped you in your career as an actor?

There were of course many. Jimmy Stewart was certainly something of a role model. My mom and I watched a lot of his films when I was little and I was always impressed by the kind of sweet tragedy that went into all of his roles. But maybe Robin Williams’ work influenced me even more. I always found the incredible variety of his films remarkable. He could make his audience laugh hysterically like no other, but also move them to tears in other roles. I always wanted to emulate this range.

In fact, the range of your roles is enormous and ranges from the Disney blockbuster “Beauty and the Beast” to a comic adaptation in series format such as “Legion” to bulky independent films such as “Her Smell” or the horror thriller “The Rental “, Which we just released on DVD. Is there a method behind this diversity?

Not in principle. I like variety, but I’m not just looking for roles that are as different as possible from one another. Rather, there are always similar factors that I use to select my projects. Sometimes there is a certain director that I really want to work with. Or the role itself is irresistible because it presents me with acting challenges. And sometimes a script is just fantastically written and I am interested in the topics it is about. With “I am your person” it was definitely the latter, especially since the timing was just right. In 2020 there were so many societal questions that ultimately touched the core of human existence. Such a script, which deals with something very similar in a light-footed way, was just fitting.

A few years ago you said in a questionnaire from the British Guardians that your greatest weakness was not being able to make up your mind. So every time you are offered a role, do you ponder whether you should accept?

No, no, when a script appeals to me, it actually does it very quickly. It’s such a gut feeling. If I’m unsure and skeptical, that’s a good indicator that this is not the right thing for me. That with the difficulty in making decisions related rather to something else. For example, it takes me forever to order in a restaurant because I can never decide what on the menu appeals to me the most.

You became famous with the role of Matthew Crawley in the series "Downton Abbey”. Did you immediately suspect at the time that something big was going on?

At first we were all pretty clueless. There are really many British history series, and we were one of them. When the first season aired in the US and was a huge success there, it was pretty unexpected. I never expected the impact the series would have on my career.

Barely ten years later, are you still being asked about the role?

Oh yes, regularly. Probably nothing will change about that either. I got out after three seasons!

In the meantime, however, the flamboyant Russian singer Alexander Lemtov from “Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga” should also be a character with whom you will be immediately associated, right?

Right, it has been mentioned more and more recently when people recognize me on the street. This charming, silly film obviously had a nerve with the audience last year in the middle of the corona pandemic. Especially since the real Eurovision Song Contest had been canceled.

The film was the number one topic of conversation on the Internet for a while - and Lemtov GIFs and memes were everywhere. Did you follow that?

It was really hard to avoid it. I wasn’t looking specifically for what people were posting. But of course my friends passed a lot on to me, and there were already some very funny Lemtov things. But he’s also a figure made for GIFs.

Another question every British actor under 40 has to put up with these days: Would you like to become the next James Bond?

Oh, of course, everyone gets to hear this question again and again who meets certain criteria. But it is completely hypothetical. Although a few years ago I read in an audio book by Ian Fleming’s “Casino Royale”.

You mentioned earlier that you and your family have lived in the United States for a long time. How big is your homesickness?

I actually feel very comfortable in Los Angeles. But every now and then I miss the sidewalk culture of European cities. People on foot, street cafes, things like that. Last year the longing for it was particularly great, although it was of course clear to me that there was a state of emergency in Europe too. In any case, I found myself reading books that were set in Europe and made me homesick. Which is why the unexpected trip to Berlin was really a boon.

You are also an avid cricketer. That’s certainly difficult in Los Angeles, isn’t it?

There are quite a few cricket clubs here. The only problem is that the few people who do the sport here are so good at it that I have problems keeping up. That’s why I always lose sight of the matter here a little. Even as a pure TV viewer, it is not easy to stay on the ball, because of course there is no cricket broadcast here at prime time. But as soon as I’m home in England in the summer, I really want to play again!

#ich bin dein mensch #i'm your man #dan stevens #maria schrader #faz.net #interview #long post

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astrovian · 4 years

Audio

Richard Armitage interview on BBC Radio Somerset for Uncle Vanya (25/10/20)

Full transcript under cut

Now the moment you’ve all be waiting for, particularly if you’re female – some proper eye-candy on this show okay, not just me. ‘Kay, some proper stardom. Richard Armitage has been in so much television okay, let’s give you a bit of an idea as to what he’s been in over the years. Of course, he started off in North & South back in 2004. He was Lucas North in the British TV drama Spooks. He was in Castlevania, he was in Robin Hood. He’s done so much work for The Royal Shakespeare Company. But for lots of you, you’ll have seen him in Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit. Here’s him talking a little bit about his role.

[Clip from The Hobbit interview – I play a character called Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, the last King Under the Mountain. There’s a direct descent from the royal line, which is myself, Thorin, and Fíli and Kíli, who are nephews by my sister]

Now, I’ve never seen The Hobbit, but whenever I think of Richard Armitage, it’s always- he was the guy in the last couple of episodes of The Vicar of Dibley.

[Clip from The Vicar of Dibley]

Brilliant, from Dibley to the valleys of New Zealand. Fantastic. Really pleased we can say we can speak to Richard Armitage on the show this afternoon to talk about his brand new film. Good afternoon, Richard. Thanks for joining us on the Sunday show. How are you?

I’m very good. How are you?

I’m great, thanks. Now, I say good afternoon, but you’re in New York, so it’s good morning to you over there.

Good morning. Yes.

Now you’ve done so much TV and film it’s ridiculous. If I sat here and listed out all the stuff you’ve done, we’d be here all day. However, we’re chatting about the latest one. Am I saying it right – Uncle ‘Van-ya’ or ‘Va-nya’? I’ve always said ‘Va-nya’.

You can say either, I mean a lot of the actors in our play were sort of from the North or from Ireland, and so we were calling him ‘Van-ya’. Sort of has a nicer ring to it, doesn’t it?

Yeah, let’s go with Uncle ‘Van-ya’. Yeah, now this is the-

Uncle ‘Van-ya’.

Now this is on Tuesday, you can see this from Tuesday onwards. Give us a bit of backstory. You were doing this as a play, but then Covid hit and it all had to change, is that right?

Yeah, we were in the middle of a, of a sixteen-week run and we’d-, we got through about ten weeks, and then we came in on a Monday morning and theatres were closed and we, we all had to go home. But it was something that we knew was coming, obviously Broadway had closed the week before us, and uh, so the chance to come back, even in a really still very difficult working environment, to, to sort of re-stage the play for film was something I think we were all incredibly grateful for.

Because not every play’s doing that – lots of plays have closed and we don’t know when they’re gonna re-open. But it must be a great thing to have because not every play was having that, were-, you know some of them were still just waiting for their moment to open up again.

Yes, and I mean National Theatre Live and Digital Theatre, they do film theatre, but they usually do it with a, with an audience in place, and that’s part of the, the thrill of it. But we had to- or, Sonya Friedman and her team had to sort of re-imagine what it might be like without an audience, and so this is a kind of hybrid film really, it-, we’re still in a theatre, but we’re much more kind of involved in the play and the camera comes into the stage and we see a little bit more than a regular production. But yeah, I feel very lucky that we were able to do this.

So it’s not like if you, if we had gone and seen it before it closed we’re obviously sat there looking on, but in this, in this version, the camera’s on the stage with you, you’re pretty much right in with the action, aren’t you?

You’re right in there, and I think that’s one of the, one of the y’know, unusual experiences, that that’s often not possible because you can’t, y’know, disrupt an audience’s viewpoint, so we tend, y’know, we tend to see theatre and hear an audience. Which, we lose the sound of an audience and that was very important with this play because the play is a comedy and y’know, the audience participation is, is really quite important. But it’s still a-, an interesting experience without the audience. In fact, there’s this sort of sadness for the audience’s lack, y’know.

Your character, you’re Astrov, is that right?

Yeah, I am. I’m the doctor.

Tell me a bit about him. What’s he like?

Well, he’s a bit of an outsider to this, to the family. Um, he’s, um, turned to drink because he is traumatised by losing patients, um, he’s working in a, in a region that’s suffering from an epidemic. At the same time, he’s recognising that his small corner of the world is being depleted environmentally, and so he’s, he’s, he’s an environmentalist. He’s planting trees and trying to sort of sustain his natural habitat, and he has a theory as to what, y’know, why people are sick and why our society is sick. And so, in terms of relevance, I think it, it sort of rang a lot of bells. Um, but he, y’know, in terms of his journey through the play, he finds love. Y’know, he talks early on in the play about not feeling anything because he’s been so battered down by his, his work, but he finds love and, um, is rejected. And you know, that’s the tragedy of Chekov, is that everyone’s in love with the wrong person.

And Chekov plays are very well-known, and they’re incredibly written as well. For you as an actor, to say you’re doing Chekov in the West End, or in this case in the cinema, that must be wonderful.

Yeah, it always sounds very kind of, um, highbrow, but Chekov didn’t write that many plays, and he’s also – y’know, he was a doctor as well himself. So there’s always a doctor in his plays. He writes about people, and I think that’s what attracts actors to this work. He doesn’t, he’s not so focused on the plot, he’s very much about the human experience and how we attract and repel each other. And he’s also a great purveyor of comedy and, y’know, finding fun with our, our flaws, and I think people will watch this after living in lockdown for six months, watching these people in a house that can’t get away from each other and are, y’know, ripping shreds, tearing shreds off of each other and, and kind of going out of their heads, and I think audiences will understand what Chekov was all about.

And this is available from Tuesday, unclevanyacinema.com, but you’re over in New York, so are you on the next project already, or are you doing something over there?

No, this is, this is where I, I live when I’m not working. But I’ll be back in, in England next year, I’m working on another Netflix show, so that will be good.

Now, when I said that Richard Armitage was coming on, it was- oh, the ladies, they go mad you know, ‘cause you’re so damn good-looking. And all these people, they’re on about the blimming Hobbit and all that sort of stuff, which is fantastic. But for me, do you know what thrills me most about you?

Go on.

You’re the guy that married Dawn French in The Vicar of Dibley. That’s the first thing that comes to my mind-

*Laugh* I knew you were gonna say that.

I know that for a lot of people it’s The Hobbit, and I know how big those sort of things are, and I know how good this, this new film is, but for me, you say ‘Richard Armitage’, he’s the guy who was nearly cheated on Dawn French.

Thanks for that.

No, not on-

He wasn’t cheatin’ on her.

He wasn’t, but she thought he was. But you’ve done so much-

Maybe they’ll re-run it at Christmas, who knows.

Oh, they re-run it all the time, Vicar of Dibley. Can’t move for it.

Do they?

Oh, they can’t move for it. UK Gold, it’s on every half hour. I hope you’re getting royalties for all these repeats.

I do too! I didn’t know it was on.

Oh, it’s on all the time. On all the time! But when you, when Covid’s out of the way as such, do you go back on stage with this, or has that sort of run its course now as a play, and you’re just gonna, it’s new life is now in the cinema?

I, yeah, I don’t think we’ll get the chance to go back, and I think that’s to do with the theatre is now being handed over to the fantastic David Tennant who’s gonna perform there-

Of course.

And the set is gonna be taken away, so I think this was a last chance to, to sort of discover the, this play. But I’m thrilled it’s on film, y’know. Film is forever, so…

That’s a good thing. I will just- if I don’t do twenty seconds on, twenty seconds on The Hobbit, the people will go mad. Great thing to be involved in, is it still something people ask you about?

It’s massive, I mean it was such a huge part of my life as well. Life-changing, y’know, going to New Zealand and working with one of my cinematic idols, y’know, Peter Jackson and that whole cast was, was phenomenal, and y’know, one of my favourite childhood books, so I, I couldn’t have asked- it was a dream come true really. And I, uh, still have incredible memories of that time.

So, Uncle Vanya, okay, is out from Tuesday, unclevanyacinema.com, but to be honest with you-

.com!

I’ve just been doing some googling, and if you just type in to any search engine ‘Uncle Vanya’, it comes up as the top listing. I mean there’s some great reviews for it as well-

Brilliant! And have you been to the cinema in this time?

I haven’t!

Are you getting out and going?

No, I haven’t been, that’s what I’m thinking, I should go and do it.

Give it a shot! I’ve done it, I did it a few times while I was there, and y’know, if you do obey all the rules and let the cinema take, y’know, do what you’re ‘sposed to do, wear the mask, it’s fine. It feels like normality. I mean, it’s like a Tuesday afternoon when there’s not that many people in there, but it’s still, y’know, still worth it.

I’m not minding that you see, ‘cause you’re guaranteed-

No.

-not to be next to someone who’s gonna be eating their popcorn in your face.

Chewing their popcorn.

Yeah.

Exactly.

That’s it. Or you get the couple in the back getting off with each other. I’m quite glad to be on my own there watching.

*Laugh*

That’s absolutely fine.

Is that what happens in cinemas in Somerset there?

Oh, it does, it does. Not-

*Laugh*

-not as much as I’d like. Well, look, Richard, it’s been a pleasure to speak to you, you are a gentleman, and I’ll give you a big plug again, Uncle Vanya comes out on Tuesday, unclevanyacinema.com, the reviews are great, it’s got five stars everywhere. Thanks so much for your time.

Thanks Andy.

#@netflix give us the show info you cowards #also imagine going to the cinema and richard armitage is just casually sitting near you #richard armitage

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horansqueen · 4 years

Text

You & Me : chapter 1

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes!!! hello to all of you, who gave AM CONVERSATIONS a chance and are ready to join me for this sequel too. thank you so so much, ill never say it enough. you make me want to write and that in itself is incredible for me. i hope i can surprise you, make you laugh, make you a bit frustrated and make you emotional, too. i really hope it reaches your expectations and maybe even exceed them, who knows! (fingers crossed!) please please please, keep the comments, suggestions, ideas, requests, questions and asks coming, it means everything to me! (ill start adding requests to the chapters a bit later btw, i need to set the story first!) so here it is.

Chapter 1 : His chapter

NIALL

Time passed by so quickly I had a hard time keeping track. I thought about Olivia every day and although I did miss the romantic relationship we had, most of all, I missed the friendship. I hadn't seen her in over a year and I was not really sure I ever would again. I did know almost everything there was to know, though, and I was also aware that she had moved to California, which was the place I lived half the year.

After I broke up with her, I had spent a lot of time locked at home just writing songs, and one of my favorite things to do was to check her father's web site and read the reviews she wrote about upcoming movies. One day, though, she published a short story that became popular very fast. She started filming it instead and turned it into a low budget online tv show. Luckyly for me, she didn't have the money to hire real actors and she ended up playing it in herself. I felt like a loser and a creepy ex boyfriend every time i'd lock myself in my room, in the dark, to watch the new episode, but I couldn't help it. She made q&a's videos and she seemed happy but for me, the more time passed, the more I realized that I needed her in my life.

My debut album was doing great and I was leaving on tour in a few months. I should be the happiest I have ever been but I couldn't hide that the songs I was about to sing every night still made me very emotional. My life was not all bad, of course. in fact, it was probably the best time of my life but it was tough for me to realize that I wouldn't be able to share it with my best friend... the girl I still wanted to end my life with.

My phone beeped as I was walking in the busy streets and I quickly searched my pockets to read the incoming text message.

'Don't forget to pick the cake for Joey at the bakery.'

I rolled my eyes and quickly typed an answer.

'Almost there.'

It was not a lie. Ten more seconds and I was pushing the doors of one of the biggest bakeries around. I didn't see the point in getting such an expensive and big cake for a birthday but I also didn't like to argue so I just went along with it.

I leaned against the counter and smiled as an employee moved closer.

"I'm here to pick up an order." I explained in a low tone. "Horan."

The lady smiled and nodded before leaving and I turned around, leaning more against the counter. I took my phone and started checking my messages until I heard it. Something I never thought i'd ever hear again. A laugh. It was clear and happy and although extremely fucking cheesy, it reached my heart like nothing else ever had in my life. I stopped breathing and my heart twisted but it took me a few seconds to react. I looked around the place but couldn't see her anywhere until I realized there was an other room a bit further. I took a few steps closer, a bit scared of what I was going to see but at the same time, I was full of hope.

I saw her first. She was standing up on the side, her head slightly down and her nose raised up. She seemed to glow in a way only she could and the thumping of my heart against my rib cage got even worse. She laughed again and something inside of me seemed to wake up suddenly from a very long slumber. It took me a few seconds to realize she was with Julie and when she noticed me, she hit Olivia's arm a few times to get her attention. With a quick chin movement, she incited her to turn to me and I held my breath when our eyes finally met. I was trying to decipher how she felt through her facial expressions but I couldn't seem to. Did we lose that connection we had? Was it gone forever?

I cleared my throat but walked up to them, trying to act casual as I sent both of them a smile.

"Hey, it's been a while."

"It has, in fact." Julie just replied. "Liam wanted to invite you over soon, so just text him."

My eyes moved to her and I sent her a small smile before nodding. "Will do."

I pushed both my hands in my pockets, feeling suddenly nervous to be around her. Her eyes finally met mine and she smiled to me sincerely. I expected her to be a bit embarrassed, or to feel uneasy, but she tilted her head and I let my eyes roam on her face. She smelled exactly like I remembered, the addicting scent of vanilla and honey invading me completely, and once again, my heart skipped a beat.

"It's been even longer for us." I just said, making her nod slightly. "How are you? How's your boyfriend?"

She chuckled and shrugged. "We're both good, thanks for asking, what about you and your girlfriend?"

"Good, we're good."

My eyes moved on her features and I licked my lips, suddenly wondering if hers tasted like they used to..

"Congrats on your tv show, by the way, it's incredible" I added, trying to keep the conversation going. "I'm very happy for you."

We both heard Julie's phone ring but I kept my eyes on her, giving her all my attention.

"Thank you! I'm having a blast with this I mean, who would have thought acting was so much fun, you know? I knew I loved writing but this is... beyond my expectations." she expressed with passion, making me smile more. "Oh and congrats on your first album!"

"Oh thank you, thanks!"

I moved slightly and opened her mouth to say something just as Julie came back and we both turned around as she hung up.

"Okay so Liam says we have to pick 'chocolate'."

I frowned and suddenly remembered where we were, my eyes roaming around the bakery and I licked my lips again. They had a few plates placed on the counter in front of them with pieces of different cakes and I realized it was probably for a wedding cake.

"I thought we were the ones in charge?" Liv frowned, moving her hands up while looking at Julie. "Since when does he get a say in this?"

"Wedding cake? Can I taste?"

I moved forward and grabbed a fork, taking a bite from the chocolate one.

"Mmhm dis one's gweat!" I replied, my mouth full, making Olivia roll her eyes with a smile. "I agree with Liam." I continued with a smirk after swallowing.

I hadn't seen Liam in a few months and now I knew why he wanted to invite me over. It was only a matter of time until he'd ask Julie to marry him. After all, they had been dating for years and nothing would ever tear them apart. It reminded me of my mistakes and all the things I regretted. My eyes found Liv again and I swallowed the lump in my throat. The way I broke up with her and especially the reasons why I did it were horrible but we would end up together, I was still sure about that, as pathetic as it sounded. I didn't tell anyone, I knew they would say i'm delusional and I didn't want to let them kill that conviction or even make it falter.

"Thanks for your input, Niall." Liv joked, raising her nose up with a smile. "Your opinion's been noted."

I laughed and it made her laugh too and for some odd reason, it brought a bunch of memories in my head. That time we played football together and I fell on top of her... or that time we danced in the living room and tripped over each other... that time we fucked on the stairs of a radio station and had to rush down and out not to be caught... that time we made love for the first time next to my christmas tree... that time...

"Niall?"

"Mm?"

"You okay?" she asked with a frown, a smile still gracing her lips.

"Oh yea, sorry it's just... it's good to hear you laugh again."

This time, her smile turned into a fond one and I smiled too. We kept staring at each other for a while and all I could think about was how beautiful and radiating she was. Even in the way she was standing up and moving, I could see that she was more confident and happy and that her insecurities weren't as bad as they used to be. It was not just a facade.

"You're... glowing." I let out, feeling suddenly uncomfortable with my confession. I chuckled, a little embarrassed, and scratched the back of my head, trying to think of something to add before she could answer. "It's crazy that we meet, I mean, we both moved here and it's a big city."

She nodded, understanding that I didn't want to talk about the first thing I had mentioned and she finally just shrugged and shook her head.

"Yea well, you know what they say, it's a small world after all." she just replied, making me smile more.

"L.A. is a world in itself, it's true." I agreed before laughing again. "Love how you quoted disney, and also not surprised."

"Some things never change."

Her words made something twist in my stomach. The only thing that never really changed in the past two years was the love I felt for her. It was sad how it was still strong and burning my insides. I was still in love with the girl I broke up with a year ago, a girl I was seeing for the first time in months, a girl that did so fucking well without me.

"Just like your love for coffee, yea?"

I glanced up only to notice Julie was tasting cakes, making sure to stay further to give us space, but knowing her, she was probably listening to every single word Liv and I were sharing.

"I.. still love coffee."

"Good, how about one, tomorrow, to catch up?"

Her lips parted and I knew why she hesitated. It was a mix of what we used to mean for each other, the hurt I put her through, the fact that we were both taken and also, the uncertainty of us still getting along after all this. The truth was, I needed a 'yes'. I needed to see her again, to talk to her again. I needed her in my life. This whole plan of us ending up together was based on us becoming friends again but reality had just hit me. If she didn't want to be around me anymore, there were barely any chance left for us to date again. That was something I hadn't thought about too much.

I took my phone out of my pocket again and handed it to her after unlocking it. She glanced at it before looking back in my eyes and I just shrugged.

"If you want to add your number." I proposed gently. "I mean, unless you think your boyfriend wouldn't like that."

The truth was, I didn't care at all, and I knew that would trigger her into doing the opposite.

"He's never tried to stop me from seeing anyone. He's not the jealous type."

I didn't say anything, I just raised my eyebrows with a smile and she finally grabbed the phone from my hand while rolling her eyes with a smile. I stared at her with a grin as she typed and when she handed it back to me, I quickly sent her a smiling emoji to make sure she also had my number. Her phone made music as it received my text message and my smile faltered. I remembered when it was my voice she had used as a ringtone and as a notification for her messages. Of course, I couldn't expect her to have kept it after all this time but it still did something to me to realize that she was now using something else. So many things had changed and despite what I tried to make myself believe, it really fucking hurt.

"Oh is that... the theme of your tv show?"

I knew damn well it was but I didn't want to make it seem like I was obsessed with it only to see her face, even if it was exactly that. When did I fall into this disgusting pattern of regretting my own decisions? Now that I was standing right in front of her, I realized that it was a bit creepy of me but at the same time, I couldn't help myself.

"Yes! It's good isn't it?"

It was, in fact, very good, and I also knew exactly who wrote it and who was singing, but once again, I didn't mention it.

"Yea, definitely."

She sent me a smile that I sent back and we suddenly went quiet. I kept staring at her, wondering what she'd do if I'd just cup her face and kissed her but also knowing i'd never have the guts to do it. Having her so close made all my feelings so much more real, vivid and alive that I could barely breathe in her presence.

We had been friends for decades and had dated for a year but never before have I felt like this around her. Everything about her was shining in a way it never did before and what emanated from her was reflecting on me and illuminating my soul. I had no idea how she did that and most likely, she wasn't even aware of the effect she had on me.

"It's just... so good to see you." I let out, shaking my head as she raised her eyebrows and smiled.

I had missed her. I had missed her energy, her presence, her vibe. I had missed her laughter, her touch and her kisses. I had missed her friendship and her love. It was hard to believe I actually broke up with her for... for what, exactly?

"You too, Nee." she just said, tilting her head. "I'll text you."

I knew in the way that she was looking at me that we weren't on the same page and even though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I sort of wished she would still love me the way she used to. Hell, even just half of the love she used to feel for me would be enough. But there she was, standing in front of me, acting like we didn't have this painful and crazy history, and that hurt in a way I couldn't explain.

"Liv, are you gonna help or not?" Julie let out from a bit further, sticking her fork in one of the pieces of cake. "I'm getting a bit nauseous, you know I don't have a sweet tooth!"

Olivia looked back but turned again to me and chuckled without answering her. It made me laugh a bit when I saw her expression. Finally, something that was still exactly the same.

"Sorry, i'm gonna have to-"

"Yea no, it's cool." I replied, cutting her and frowning as I shook my head and shrugged. "Just text me."

"NEIL HOREIN?"

I grimaced at the sound of my name being mispronounced and cringed slightly, making Olivia laugh even more.

"I should be used to this but I never will." I admitted, my eyes closed. "You'd think after a few platinum albums, people would get it right."

"Well, keeps you grounded doesn't it?" she joked, trying to suppress a laugh.

"For sure." I just agreed, rising my nose up before sending her a smile. "Take care yea?"

Without thinking, I brought my hand up and my fingers brushed against the skin of her arm and I realized I hadn't touched her in over a year. It gave me a shock that seemed to cross my entire body and I held my breath, taking my hand back. She didn't seem fazed at all by this connection and she just raised her hand up as a goodbye sign. I took a step back and finally turned around to reach the front of the shop to pay. I turned to look at her again but she was back to trying out cakes and I took the box the lady behind the counter was handing me before thanking her and leaving.

Everything seemed surreal as I stepped foot out and I held my breath and closed my eyes until I heard my phone beep again. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of Olivia messaging me already but it dropped when I noticed it was only my girlfriend again.

'So? The cake?'

I sighed, slightly annoyed, but typed a quick answer as I was reaching my car.

'Got it. On my way.'

-----

I quickly opened the door and took my shoes off before closing it with my foot and walking to the kitchen. I didn't know where my girlfriend was and simply put the cake in the fridge before sitting down in the living room, grabbing my guitar and putting it on my lap. I took the notebook I had left on the coffee table and started scribbling the two-line lyrics that had been stuck in my head the whole drive until home.

I was not ready for a new album yet but that didn't mean I couldn't work on new music while waiting and I just stared at the words written for a few seconds without blinking. Quickly, I added a few words before and worked on the verses. I could feel my heart beat hard against my rib cage as I re-read the words and I finally took my guitar and started playing while recording myself. I didn't know if half an hour had even passed when I heard footsteps coming from downstairs and I stopped recording, barely believing I had written something decent enough to be used in a future album. I was so lost in my mind that it took me a few seconds to realize someone was taking to me.

"Niall? Hello?"

"Mm?" I blinked a few times and turned my head, my eyes meeting my girlfriend's. "Sorry love, what did you say?"

"The. Cake." she let out very annoyed, after probably repeating it a few times.

"The. Fridge." I replied meanly, feeling suddenly a bit guilty for being rude. "You're gonna have to try and trust me, you know." I added slightly louder as she reached the kitchen.

She came back with a bottle of water and sat next to me, swallowing half of it quickly. She was wearing her work-out clothes and pushed her high ponytail over her shoulder, taking one of her earbuds off.

"I thought you were going out for a run?" I asked, frowning for a second before closing the notebook in front of me.

I didn't want her to read what I had written or to ask to hear it but I knew it was not likely that she would. She had stopped caring about things I enjoyed a while ago. Why did we start dating again?

"Wasn't in the mood to be photographed." she let out with a grimace, making me chuckle.

"Oh yea? Since when?"

She turned to me and if looks could kill, i'd be fucking dead on the spot. I cleared my throat and shrugged a shoulder, leaning against the couch. I wanted to point out to her that I was right but instead, I closed my eyes, humming my new song and feeling something twist in my chest. How could one person inspire me so much? Was she also going to be the muse for my second album? I desperately wanted to believe i'd be back with her soon and be able to write a few happy songs for the second one but after the short encounter we just had had, I was not even sure she still had feelings for me. It did the opposite for me, though ; i was now totally sure that I was still in love with her.

"Okay well, can you order?" my girlfriend asked, taking me out of my daydream as she put her hand on my thigh. "I need to rehearse a bit more, okay?"

She didn't wait for my answer and just got up, running back downstairs with her water bottle and I closed my eyes again. After I broke up with Olivia, I decided to go out every night, have fun and fuck whoever I wanted. The first few times felt amazing but the more I was fucking around, the more I realized it was not for me. The flirting part was nice enough, and the sex wasn't so bad most of the time but the feeling i'd get when i'd wake up in the morning was horrible, like a bitter aftertaste of some expired milk that remained in your fridge for too long. The truth was, sex with a stranger is good, but never as good as sex with someone you love, for many many reasons. When feelings were involved, there was clearly something stronger coming from the whole moment and after a while, you know that person so well that you know exactly what she wants and what it means when she does a certain face, or moans a certain way. There was something important and safe in the choreography of our bodies and I hadn't found that special feeling and connection with anyone else, not even my current girlfriend. No, sex was not everything, but with the right person, it was ecstatic and emotional at the same time.

I grabbed my phone and looked at our conversation. There was only the smiling emoji I had sent her yet and I started nibbling on my bottom lip. She hadn't messaged me yet and I was a bit scared she never would. I started typing a message slowly, telling myself that if she'd never message me, at least, she'd know how I felt.

'If honesty means telling you the truth, well i'm still in love with you'

I blinked a few times, staring at the words I had typed from the song I had written, until I couldn't read them anymore due to the tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe I was crying, I couldn't believe it would hurt so much to see her so well without me and at the same time, that thought was so selfish it made me feel guilty. After all, I was the one who had broken up with her, and she didn’t owe me anything. She hadn’t spent the last year dwelling on the past or crying for me.

I swallowed, ready to hit 'send', when my phone beeped. I wiped my eyes quickly and the left corner of my lips raised up. I felt like someone had taken a load off my shoulders and I breathed in deeply as I read her message.

'Coffee tomorrow afternoon, are you free? 🤪'

I chuckled at the emoji and quickly, I deleted the lyrics I was about to send her to replace it with an answer to her question. I wanted to see her and if she had asked me to drive to her at this exact moment, I would have in a heartbeat. Everything I did in the past year was only to lead me to this exact moment.

'Always free for you 🥰'

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan smut #niall horan writing #niall horan story #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #my fanfics #yam #OPWDJHFALZDFSDZXCV IM SO STRESSED OMG

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nosybookworm · 3 years

Text

Ninja Academy vs Hero School Rant

Naruto was my jam back in the day. I stayed up late to watch the new episodes, bought the dvd box sets and manga volumes, collected toys and cards just to stare at adoringly, even pretended to be sick so that I could stay home and watch a Naruto marathon. Point is, I LOVED Naruto.

I was invested in the characters. My heart ached for every single character that gave me a backstory. I ugly cried on more than ten occasions.

The action and moral dilemmas sucked me in and spit me out, made me the person I am today thinking critically about the stuff I love because wow that universe is in no way safe or sane for the people living in it lol.

The villains absolutely TERRIFIED me DESPITE STILL WANTING TO SEE MORE OF THEM, Orochimaru alone had me sleeping with the lights on and ripping the arms off his action figure just to be safe.

When I started watching My Hero Academia those old happy feelings started slapping me in the face drawing me in. MHA hits a lot of the same points that Naruto had and I didn’t really notice until the end of season 3 because those points weren’t as in-your-face or emotionally impactful as it was in Naruto I guess. Not to say it didn’t have an impact! Just that it rolled off me a lot easier which might just be a me problem.

I Mean:

The main character getting bullied/excluded because of something he can’t control.

Underdog character then meeting or making an emotional connection with a mentor figure truly feeling “acceptance” for maybe the first time and taking that all important first step toward their life long dream.

A teacher willing to sacrifice himself to protect the students.

A school training teens to protect/serve.

Rivalry that may or may not be actual friendship.

Students fighting against each other to “rank up” by showing how capable they are to their superiors.

Enemies invading to terrorize the kids and escaping to terrorize another day.

Traumatic family backstories that child will now attempt to seek justice through own power.

Previous underdog character actually having a secret power that no one knows about but a select few and that he has to train to learn how to use, but it makes him a powerhouse that is always surprising the enemy and inspiring his fellows.

Sure all that can be tied to any story when generalized like this, but the way MHA presents them is pretty similar to Naruto.

(Okay, ALL OF THIS is going to be my personal opinion. Things I want to say to get out of my system so that I can move on. It’s long too. So, now that you’ve been warned continue on.)

The more I got into it the stranger it felt because despite hitting those same points I loved they hit in a different way that....well... made me a little uncomfortable to sit through.

Like Aizawa

Very clearly the Kakashi in MHA. He’s sly hardly ever telling his students the truth but has incredibly high expectations of them, has been known to expel students left and right until his most recent batch of kids, is ready and willing to throw himself in harms way for them, and surprisingly competent despite his exhausted persona/personality. However the way these two teachers act get two very different results from me. Naruto got a chance to introduce Kakashi in a way that endeared him to me, the bell test was more than just showcasing the kids current abilities it was introducing Kakashi (the Jounin that is a kind of jack of all trades, the known perv that will publicly read porn, the guy that will happily mess with a bunch of kids to “teach them a lesson” and because its funny, the guy that requires the students under his care to care about each other because caring for his team matters to him more than any mission, that guy). MHA gave the quirk test. Aizawa mostly in the background taking notes and jotting down scores after his speech about expelling whoever comes last. We didn’t get to hear Aizawa’s thoughts until the very end when Izuku surprised him.

I didn’t really feel any connection toward Aizawa until I stumbled across fanfics that wrote him more involved with the students and I think that’s the problem. Aizawa is dedicated to his student’s education, he believes they will all be amazing heroes one day, but he hardly ever interacts with them. He can be seen watching their training from afar, sleeping in a corner as another teacher takes over for a bit, protecting them from danger or fighting along side them, and proudly declaring that Bakugo would never turn villain but all of that means very little emotionally when I can’t see him making connections with these students to make this standoffish confidence understandable. He comes off as one of those super smart teachers that have undecipherable lessons because he has no idea how to connect with his students enough to explain in way they understand. Similarly, he like jots down that he’s taking note of Bakugo and might need to step in before he goes down the wrong path but then does nothing and confidently tells the press Bakugo would never be a villain.

Kakashi was pretty standoffish too, no denying that, and the little episodes when the kids conspire to try to see him without his mask are the kind of outside interactions that would be weird for a modern teacher-student relationship like in MHA, so I get why Aizawa doesn’t really have that with any of the kids. However, Kakashi saw the path Sasuke was going down and spent time with him and confronted him about it (it did nothing to stop him but he tried). He took time to find a teacher for Naruto. He was present and awake for just about every milestone in there education with him. He told them when he was proud of them not other people. He involved himself in some of their high jinks to measure their growth and as such was able to have confidence in them when they went off on their own.

The Villains

And My Hero Academia villains, namely All For One.

I felt nothing when he showed up. I was all caught up in All Might and his passing of the torch. The guy without eyes didn’t feel threatening, didn’t feel like the big bad he was suppose to be. The League of Villains really didn’t feel like “serious enemies” either cause I actually really enjoyed them when they were on screen for their dynamics with each other. Similar to how I liked the Akatsuki in their more light-hearted scenes when they where super strong idiots banded together by sheer force of will and explosive personalities that refuse to leave a job half finished. With the League I would be just as entertained (probably more so) if they were in a slice of life anime just being terrible people together.

I get the feeling All For One was supposed to be MHA’s Orochimaru. (And I say this despite knowing Orochimaru’s introduction is probably a lot closer to Stain what with the confrontation and all, but his whole “the world is corrupt, I will cut out the wrong and remake it into the pure world it should have always been” aligned more with Pain especially with his quick turnabout saving Izuku.)

Orochimaru always felt in control even when he was in hiding or on the run, he felt like he had more up his sleeve which is the only thing I got from All For One when he was imprisoned. Both Orochimaru and All For One showed up out of nowhere, very obviously in a class of their own that the teenage main characters had no hope of beating, and a mysterious backstory that clearly put all the adults in the know on edge. But I just don’t see All For One as a villain. Nothing about him screamed “Run for your lives this man will smile as he tears you apart!” like Orochimaru. Nothing about All For One’s secret Mad Scientist lab gave me creepy vibes that left me on the edge of my seat clutching at the nearest pillow the way the Sound Village that practically worshiped Orochimaru and the many base of operations he had did.

Terrible Parents

The Todoroki family.

...

Look. The world of Naruto has terrible parenting, but they also live in a dictator/military run nation where kids can be a front-line defense or key players in a war zone so it’s hard to measure how to view these people. Cause a father that beats his kid and yells at him to get stronger has genuine reasons to rightfully freak out when children as young as 8 get sent to ninja academy. Families that have a rare genetic trait like the Hyuga or Uchiha have every right to be tough and stern if they feel that will protect their kids when they know putting them out into the world makes them an easier target for enemies that would rip out their eyes.

I can judge their actions based on their consequences. Like the Uchiha clan planning a revolt forcing their eldest to massacre them to keep the peace and their youngest to live with a crazy amount of trauma. Like the Hyuga clan branding their branch members to protect family eyes, but forcing them into being lesser than the main branch and all the trauma that forced on Neji’s poor head. The stupid level of expectation set on Hinata’s young shoulders that she couldn’t meet in the way her clan wanted that made her self-confidence practically non existent. The Hokage leaving Naruto mostly alone for his entire childhood in a village that openly hated him. The Kazekage trying to have his lonely three-year-old assassinated multiple times once by his beloved uncle - the only person that was kind and loved him - that scarred him so entirely that he carved “love” into his forehead and rampaged around the village and did casual murder intentionally for years before meeting Naruto.

All that... I can get behind as abuse. I want those sad kids to be happy. They deserved better and I will happily lose myself in a fix-it fic where they get that.

MHA gives me similar scenarios but without the clear-cut consequences that shows when parenting for that world is abuse.

Endeavor is not a good husband. He is emotionally abusive to his wife to the point she has a mental break and attacks a child.

However, in a world of heroes, in a world where high school students are trained to protect and serve and that self sacrifice is a noble heroic trait. How do I compare such a society to my own? They put children in harms way with hero internships yet don’t allow them to defend themselves if they don’t have a hero license, that would be like getting a learners permit but not being allowed to practice driving.

All this to say I have a hard time telling when bad parenting falls into abuse when it comes to MHA. Endeavor is not a good parent, he is an abusive husband, but is he an abusive parent? As a hero training up the next generation of heroes can it be argued that he is pretty okay even if his methods are a little harsh? None of his children fear him from what I’ve seen. Shouto happily tells him his plans to never use his fire and all the reasons why without fearing he might be punished for it. The other kids seem to be pretty okay going on with their lives. Toya being the exception but again I don’t know what happened to him and he’s a follower of Stain so did he have a falling out with heroes or did his father push too hard?

Nighteye & Tsunade

Okay so this is where I get super rant-y. I have feelings on Nighteye and none of them good.

Nighteye being the estranged comrade of All Might the underdog’s teacher, Tsunade being the estranged comrade of Jiraiya Naruto’s teacher.

Tsunade has been hurt deeply. She ran because she felt that was the only way to save herself from more pain. Here comes Jiraiya with his new little tag along demanding she come back home, she gets appropriately angry and tries everything she can to get them to leave her alone. Naruto being the special little underdog that he is immediately gets under her skin reminding her of all the loved ones she lost bringing back all of that old pain back, so she gets even. She beats him down and challenges him to an impossible challenge to show him how small he really is and get out of her own responsibilities. But he wins. He wins, and shows Tsunade how closed off she’s become forcing her to face reality head on and face her fears at last. He changes her whole world view through action.

Nighteye has been hurt deeply. He sees the future for every person he touches and as such sees futures in which people he loves get hurt and sometimes die. He believes there is nothing he or anyone can do to change these visions. All Might is his hero, His friend and mentor, his comrade. His friend gets hurt in a way he can never fully recover from and he sees a vision where his friend dies on the battle field. He then tells All Might who refuses to retire and leaves without a backward glance. They don’t speak until years later when Nighteye picks out a successor for One For All, but Toshi chooses Izuku and never meets Nighteye’s pick.

Izuku, needing an internship not Gran Torino, goes to Sir Nighteye All Might’s old side kick. He gets tested, told he’s not worthy of One For All, and has to work under this man as he tries to get Izuku to see how Mirio is more worthy of All Might’s quirk. Facing off against Overhaul when they are at their most desperate Nighteye uses his quirk to see what will happen and sees the worst possible scenario. They lose. Then Izuku flies in sweeps Eri into his arms and fights Overhaul saving the day. Izuku proved, unknowingly, that the future Nighteye sees is not set in stone with his actions and on his death bed Nighteye acknowledges that without acknowledging it.

Nighteye’s treatment toward Izuku makes me uncomfortable. This is a man in a position of power over this student telling him that he is not enough, will never be enough, and that he is a disappointment.

His glorifying of All Might makes me uncomfortable. He was All Might’s partner and yet he practically had a shrine of the man in his office. He made him more than just a man, built him up as The Symbol of Peace and kept him there (as many of Toshi’s friends seem to do except for Nedzu and Naomasa) despite getting close enough trusted enough to learn about One For All. And despite all that “love” and “devotion” he left Toshinori alone to deal with his new normal of a permanently damaged system alone for years then takes out all that frustration and grief out on his friends chosen successor.

Then when all is said and done and he’s dying and he’s confronted by Toshinori and Izuku what happens? Does he apologize? Explain his actions? Get closure in his final moments?

No. Well, Toshinori got some measure of closure. Izuku got a few words that essentially boiled down to “Good job, your better than I thought.” without talking about the newfound hope Izuku’s action gave him that his visions are only possibilities not absolute. All of his attention then goes to his choice for One For All, Mirio.

Understandably.

He’s dying and Mirio was always his main priority as a mentor, and you know who Mirio looks like? All Might. He’s blonde, buff, blue-eyed, cheerfully friendly, and with a happy-go-lucky persona about him. Sir Nighteye taught him to smile. Chose him to be the new wielder of One For All and without telling him anything planned to introduce him to Toshinori to make his choice reality. Doesn’t that sound... I don’t know... uncomfortably close to manipulation? Grooming? To taking this child under his wing and molding him to be pretty close to a new version of All Might?

I don’t know. Maybe if Sir Nighteye had lived this uncomfortable impression I have of him would be lessened as he began to internalize the full extent of possibilities for the future that he never thought possible before and acted more hopeful, more willing to take gambles because his visions were no longer a guarantee of what will happen.

#sorry for the rant #Naruto #mha #spoilers?

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theschizoidblog · 4 years

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Anger Outbursts

Blog 3: 11/07/2020

I want to start this particular blog post by saying that what I am about to describe today, might not be very common in schizoids. Maybe it’s not schizoid at all. Maybe it’s just me. Schizoids have what I’ve seen described as “flat affect” – as in that they show very little emotions. However, during my lifetime, I’ve had a few anger outbursts. These might be PTSD related in some cases. PTSD *is* common in schizoids. These attacks have been happening at an increasing rate in my lifetime. Hardly at all before the age of 30, but then more and more after that age until I decided it was one of the reasons to seek therapy.

The outbursts are usually incredibly brief. Such an outburst only lasts a few minutes, sometimes just a matter of seconds, but the spike of adrenaline often affects me for a few days, and afterwards, I’m a sobbing mess of guilt and other negative emotions for often hours in a row, and I’m exhausted as hell.

I will describe the triggers and my own reaction and what the experience is like. Sometimes I call it an anger outburst, but it could also be a form of anxiety attack or adrenaline attack or panic attack. I honestly don’t know the correct, professional distinction between all of them.

When it happens, my fight or flight response is triggered, and I usually choose “fight”. I’m not sure if I never choose flight, or if choosing flight just doesn’t trigger it and thus I’m hardly aware I even made a choice afterwards.

I really don’t know what the correct label is for my own “attacks”, but if after reading this blog, you feel like you know, then don’t hesitate to reply, send me an ask or reach out to me on facebook.

An overview of outbursts

Very often, my outbursts are work-related.

The very first time I had it was when I was about 16 years old. I had forgotten my homework, something which did happen a lot. I was a good student, but forgetful. I always forgot a book, sometimes I did forget to do homework too, but in this case, I’d done my homework but left the book at home. When the teacher asked, I was ashamed to say I’d forgotten it at home, but I said it. Another girl in my class, someone who I always found disrespectful towards me (and a bitch), was like “she probably didn’t do it!” – even though it was only the first thing she said to me that day, I decided it would also be the last thing she said to me that day. She said it in such a taunting manner that I barked back at her: “I DID DO IT!”

Now, for me to bark was rare. I was usually quiet, friendly and never looking for a fight. I dodge confrontation at all times. I was sooner a mediator or observer in the classroom than a fighter. But in this case, the fight or flight response got triggered, my adrenaline rose up, and I decided to stand up for the truth, and thus I shouted back in her face. She was visibly startled (when you never respond that way and know how to carry volume and fierceness in your tone, it lands) and she backed off immediately with an apology.

The teacher (who really had nothing against me, I was a good student) didn’t mention it either and just let me be for that hour while I cried where I sat.

I was a mess for the rest of the day. The first hour I sat in class crying and shaking, completely confused by what I’d done. Later that day I tried to keep up the pretense I was fine, but I was exhausted.

I don’t think it happened for another ten years afterwards, until as a 26-year-old, something very similar happened at work. I don’t know what the precise cause was, but a colleague of mine was a bit of a sneaky bitch, always gossiping behind everyone’s back. Calling her a bully might be an overstatement, but she was not a great person. She had two faces and I did not trust her. She said something that struck a nerve, fight or flight response was triggered, I chose fight and spoke back to her, then I ran out of the room, slamming the door. Then the next hour or so I spent on the toilet, crying. Very adult. Very professional. In what I call the “discharge”, after the adrenaline had left my body in the rage of anger, there was so much guilt and confusion I could not face anyone.

Skip another few years. A different situation. Once again at work. I do a helpdesk job, but it’s high-demand. We are expected to be flexible, answer phones, mails, social media, in various languages, about various subjects, always creating tickets and being productive. In the morning as I drove to my work place, I saw a small van of the internet company outside. My first thought was: “they better not fuck up our internet connection today, we’re behind on tickets.” An hour later, the internet goes down. I can’t do my job. There’s pressure on us to perform, and I get so angry at the thought that there was no problem but that those two idiots of the internet company outside managed to ruin our internet… While our leads ask us to switch to hotspots, my VPN connection decides not to work along, and I get so frustrated by this ridiculous problem that it triggers another outburst and I have to hide in the toilet in order to sob out my frustration.

Another outburst, one from over a year ago. I’m at work. It’s been busy as hell. I’ve been working overtime. We’re asked to fill in a self-evaluation. It’s a bit of work, but I’m glad to do it, I find it very important to do. So I do it after my time. So it’s 5 o clock and while others are going home, I’m still behind my desk, filling in the evaluation so I can take my time for it. After thirty minutes I’m done and I click “next” – but the site gives an error as though nothing has been saved. In no time at all, the fight or flight response is triggered, I take my keyboard in my hands and smash it down onto my table. I break its tiny fragile legs. A few meters away from me two colleagues were talking and they look at me like “wtf?” – I mutter an apology and sit there shaking, trying not to cry. (In the end, my evaluation got saved correctly, which makes it even worse, the site just gave a weird error after saving. I did not have to do it again.)

Something else which triggered a really bad episode was when I was at home, not at work for a change, and I was in a fandom discord. I can’t remember the exact cause, but mods were angry with me for a specific discussion in which I had not held back. I wanted to defend myself, but they denied me the opportunity to do so and gave me a strict warning. Without a means to stand up for myself or express my own emotions in a safe way, I exploded in anger, then in tears, just behind my computer, shaking, being a mess, eventually feeling exhausted. (This was a PTSD trigger for me, which I recognize as related to PTSD I got at the age of 21.)

This week I had another explosion.

I’ve been working on a new project with a few others of my team. Every week we get a few days to work on the project, each a few days. Last week I did two days, and this week I would be doing three days of work on the project. There’s a ton of work to tackle, so I planned it out and had planned out all three days. The third day, I start working in the morning (at home), with a clear vision in my mind of what I’m going to do that day so that everything is done before my colleague needs to continue the day after.

I’m at it for about ten minutes when I hear from the colleague that she gets to do the project that day, instead of me. She gets to do it for the rest of the week. My brain just short-circuits for a moment. I’m angry as hell.

In this case, it could be compared to a balloon that got inflated to a very big size, but did not pop immediately. Instead there’s a tiny hole of air and it’s deflating. In the minutes while I’m super-angry, I finish some of the stuff I must finish, mails that I had to send out and had already planned the day before. I use the adrenaline boost as a wave to do as much as I can in as short a time as I can. I take the energy from that moment and use it to be productive for the few minutes that I know it lasts.

I simultaneously express my anger about changing the shift on such short notice with the one responsible for this change. (via chat) I don’t blame her personally, but I voice that it affects me a great deal when she makes such changes without me knowing a day in advance. (While I express this anger I remain professional at the same time.) But slowly, the adrenaline wave is ending. A few minutes later, it’s over, my project work is done, and I’m a sobbing mess, unable to do my job of answering the phone while helping customers with their questions.

Luckily, I have a few great colleagues and team leads who know I’m in therapy for this reason, who also know I’m a schizoid, who know that I’m dealing with PTSD and who also know that I’m currently in EMDR treatment, which might cause things to trigger me more easily. So I just have to type to one: “having an attack”, and a few minutes later she’s calling me, and by then the anger is over and it’s a sobbing attack, and I explain through my sniffles and tears that I exploded, over what I exploded, and she’s immediately like: “Okay, what do you need to do right now in order to get over it?”

I state that it’s very exhausting, and that sleeping it off might be good. She agrees. It’s about 9 o clock, I go back to bed, and at 1 PM I am back at work, answering the phone, still exhausted, but at least able to answer the phone in a composed way again. I quit at 5 PM and by 6 PM I’m in bed again, sleeping. My productivity level in the afternoon was low, but at least I contributed in some way.

The Thoughts That Come With The Exhaustion

I feel most of these outbursts in my body for two days. The first day it’s like I just ran a marathon in a period of 3 minutes or so. The second day it’s like I ran a marathon the day before. :-P It’s just very tiring to have these outbursts. It drains my energy and my emotions.

At first there is anger, but almost at the same time there’s also guilt. There’s sadness and defeat. I remember the thought process of my last outburst very well, since it was only a few days ago. It was something along these lines:

“Schizoids aren’t ambitious people. You know this, but you also know that if you want to get your own place, not just rent it, you need to earn more. So you have to prove yourself. You have to work harder. You have to be more sociable. And you’ve been trying just that. This project is a way for you to prove you can tackle important work and maybe that might earn you a promotion in the future. That’s part of why you’ve been doing so much overtime for this project. And it’s a nice project. You like the project. But now that you’re having this attack, you’re only proving that you’re weak. You’re proving that you’re unstable. You’re proving that you need to remain at the lowest possible rank in this company because you can’t be given responsibility with this attitude. Not that you want to be a lead, but how can you be in charge of this project or any other in any way with these outbursts? What if you’d been doing a presentation to the CEO of the company about the project and you had such an outburst? What if he saw that? Not only would he want you gone, it would reflect badly on your coworkers and the team leads that are giving you this opportunity. They’re being patient with you, but it can’t last. At some point, they’ll have had it with you and they’ll see that they can only use you at the lowest possible responsibility, in a job where you’re easily replaced if you have an outburst. They’re good people, but capitalism doesn’t work on charity. In the end it’s about profit and you need to make sure you’re keeping up with the rest. You can still keep up with the rest, but you can’t prove to be more, so you’ll be stuck at the low-level income jobs for the rest of your life. Forget the ambition. It’s not real ambition. You have no ambition. This is why schizoids aren’t ambitious: because it’s defeating to always end up back at the low-level entrance jobs. Most schizoids don’t have jobs for longer than a few years, you’ve proven that time and time again before you landed this job. None of your jobs lasted very long. That’s why we forsake ambition and learn to just do our damn, miserable jobs. We can’t deal with the stress of climbing up the ranks. We can’t deal with the competition because we hate confrontation. So we just take a step back if someone louder and more aggressive says they want the job. Over and over again. No matter our talents. No matter if we have the capacity to out-think and out-work them on our best days. We can’t deal with the confrontation. We have no healthy way to deal with confrontation because we’re damaged in some way. We’re terrified of bad environments. We don’t want our work place to turn bad, so we always take a step back. Give up everything for the good of the group. To keep the peace. Just like how you did as a child. It’s the only thing you know how to do. To try and keep the peace. At the expense of your own happiness. So you bury it, deeper and deeper. What is ambition? You don’t know ambition. What do you want? You don’t know what you want. Or you think you don’t know, because wanting something might mean fighting for it, and fights are bad. Fights make it not worth it. So you remain miserable. Maybe someone else said they wanted to do the job. Maybe that’s why you were taken off the task. You made a mistake the day before. You admitted to making a mistake in the project. That’s why you’re not allowed to do the project today. They’re mad at you. They’re just tolerating you to do it because they need more people to do that work. Make sure you will not get replaced. You like this project. You can’t argue about it. Just be glad you’re back on the project next week. It’s a very busy time right now and you’re letting them down, so make sure that you’re up and running again as soon as you can. You can not afford to be a schizoid without a job. Certainly not during a pandemic. You can deal with people better than most. You just don’t like it when they mess up your schedule without your consent. But that’s going to happen more often in the future so how on earth are you going to deal with it? You have no idea how to deal with it. You’re going to short-circuit again. You don’t know how to prevent it. Maybe EMDR will help. Maybe it will only make it worse. The therapist said it would be worse for a while. But is this linked to your first EMDR session of a few weeks ago? Nothing you discussed in your last EMDR session resembled this situation, so why would EMDR be triggering this now? The therapist said you would get more triggers, but is this one? You shouldn’t blame EMDR. It’s probably not EMDR, it’s just an anger outburst like you’ve had before. Just because you didn’t want it to happen, doesn’t mean it stays away. You knew this could happen. Some colleagues are probably so disappointed in you right now. Some might be wondering where you are, they need you on the phone, it’s busy. You need to rest, you need to be able to answer phones again in the afternoon, you can’t do that in your current state. Think of something else, don’t allow yourself to ruminate about it. It’s not in your control. Not yet at least. Maybe you’ll learn to control it. You’re never going to control it this way. How old are you? You’re going to be dead before you control it. You’ve got depression too. Why do you even care about getting better? Just give up already. You’ve got depression so you shouldn’t be fighting for anything. Certainly not for promotion or approval. You don’t have the energy for that or the capacity to take any hits, so why do you bother? Maybe you should have gone to your safe space, like you were taught for the EMDR sessions? But this was not EMDR related, was it? Besides, it happened too fast. You needed to send those mails, when would you have had time to go to your safe space? You can’t send mails AND go to your safe space at the same time. You needed to ride the wave of adrenaline to get the last bit of work squeezed out of you. You needed to get the word out you were having an attack, so they knew why you weren’t on the phone. You did well enough, you finished sending the mails, transferring the project in a decent way, and you sent them the message you were having an attack. That’s something. That’s all you could have done, you did well. Does the safe space help now? Who are you kidding, you’re too exhausted to go to your safe space right now. You can hardly focus on one emotion or thought, that’s how tired you are, you can’t go to your safe space. That requires energy and focus. You have none right now. What’s it going to help, you need to rest now. Think of something else. Think of something fictional. Try to sleep.”

Harmful Thought Patterns

There are a lot of harmful thought patterns I need to break. Any psychologist could probably find several out of the thought process above. According to my own psychologist, I need to stop telling myself “I’m weak” – it’s a lie about myself that I believe deep in my core. But between knowing what is a wrong thought and between not believing a wrong thought lies a world of difference. I still believe that thought. It’s one of the things we’ll be working on, though I have no freaking clue how we’re going to break that thought since it’s one of my core beliefs.

There is some paranoia too. I don’t have the Paranoid Personality Disorder, but I can have paranoid thoughts during those moments of great sadness and guilt. But usually those thoughts are only there in moments of stress and I can recognize them afterwards, and most of the times at the exact moment as I’m having them as a paranoid thought. For example, thinking they’re looking for reasons to fire me, thinking they’re punishing me for making a mistake, I know that’s not the case. It’s a fear I have that they would do those things, but I know that that is not what they did, that’s not reality. That’s just a bad thought process that pops up after an attack. It adds to the guilt and sadness. It’s not something that I think during a regular day, since I usually don’t feed any emotions.

Not every thought that comes after an attack is a lie. I do believe there’s a lot of truth in my thoughts as well. There is self-analysis in there that is not completely wrong. I get wiser as I age and with the schizoid label also come new ways to look upon myself and my thoughts and history. I am starting to understand better why I am not ambitious. I am starting to understand why I avoid confrontation.

And I think the attack, in part, is triggered by confrontation. When you go back to the part where I describe all the past triggers I remember, it were always moments of confrontation in one way or another. I just have no idea how to deal with confrontation, hence me having a full meltdown whenever I force myself to stand up for myself.

I’m so not used to standing up for myself, that the exact moment I say to myself: “No, you NEED to say what you think about this NOW, you can not just pretend nothing happened” is when I have the outburst with all the unpleasant adrenaline and tears that follow. My communication towards the other party seems to be correct though. I don’t think anything was wrong with the chat I sent my colleague, or when I tell a bitch to back off - I think it’s assertive. But having a breakdown every time you’re assertive, isn’t normal. That’s the issue.

Had I decided not to confront my colleagues about how unpleasant it was to me that they changed my schedule, I might not have had the outburst, I think. (I honestly don’t know.) There’s the tiniest moment before the outburst, the fight or flight moment, where I need to make the choice. And it is a choice that I can make. I have agency in that moment. I can choose what my choice is, but I can not really choose the effect that comes with either option.

If I choose to flee, I’ll be relatively fine. Maybe a little shaken. If I do that, it probably adds another argument to the “you are weak”-narrative in my mind.

If I fight, there’s a possibility I end up at war with myself. In my thought process, I might be entering a war with everyone else. That’s usually not the case. People usually back off. (At least for a while.) But in my thought process, if I choose “fight”, it’s like I’m going to war. In that way, I do think that there’s a big link between my outbursts and some form of PTSD. I don’t see it clearly just yet, but I think I’m getting closer to a breakthrough of what it is.

A Link to Autism

I did not get diagnosed with autism. (Though we did the test!) However, the outbursts often seem autistic in some ways to me. Maybe people with autism experience it in a very similar way. Maybe they don’t and I’m just projecting.

(Just to clarify – before “autism” existed, people with autism all got the “schizoid” label. There are a lot of resemblances between the two. People with autism mostly distinguish themselves from a schizoid like me by not having the same social skills. Schizoids seem to have the skills more naturally while for people with autism it’s usually a skill they have to work on, like maths or languages is to neurotypicals. Or maybe it would be a better comparison to say it’s like they have dyscalculia while the rest of the world can do maths without much of a problem, but apply that comparison to how we as humans learn social situations. Another difference: Schizoids don’t want company, people with autism often do, but don’t know how to go about it. They both come across as asocial a lot of the time, hence some of the overlap between the two labels.)

But if you shorten what happened, if you say: “Her schedule changed last minute, and she exploded” or “A classmate insulted her, and she exploded” – that would seem autistic to some. A change of plans can really ruin the day of a person with autism since they prefer structure. People with autism can also really explode at bullies because they don’t know how to deal with them.

So if you shorten my trigger and my “explosion”, I think an outsider would say: “Oh that has to be autism. She can’t deal with change. She can’t deal with social situations.” My type of explosion is something that people with autism go through as well sometimes.

Sometimes it does make me doubt if it’s not autism for a part, but I suppose I should follow the opinion of my psychologist, and I do have to state that I don’t have a lot of difficulty reading social situations. I’m very sensitive to some situations even, feeling when some people can’t stand each other in a room without even talking to anyone. I think that’s something people with autism often can’t read from the room. I have been called a very good observer by some friends and colleagues in certain situations.

To End It

I’m not sure what else is left to say. Writing this has exhausted me as well, in a way. Going through emotions is hard for a schizoid. We bury them, deep. We don’t do it consciously, we just do it. Bringing it back to write about it, did bring a few of the emotions back. I did shed a few tears while writing this. (I’m not saying this for pity, by the way, just as an FYI to my state of mind while reliving this.)

An anger outburst brings the negative emotions to the surface. Anger (at the cause of the issue), guilt (about getting angry), sadness (about our own state of being), fear (of losing friends/our jobs/respect) are all negative emotions. You don’t want to have these on any day. Most days we don’t have any emotions. But on a day with an anger outburst we experience all of those emotions. In a matter of minutes. In an hour. And then we’re exhausted.

Not all schizoids experience this, and I’m not sure whether to envy those people or to pity them. Envy, because these emotions are all negative. Who needs that negativity in their life? But also pity, because it seems like they’re the only emotions I’m given in this life. Isn’t it sad that some have none at all?

I try to approach it positively and say “at least you have these emotions. If you have the negative ones, maybe the positive ones are hidden inside you as well. You just need to find the correct trigger to bring them out.”

Some schizoids say they don’t want to experience any emotions. I don’t think I’m one of them. I’d rather have a day without emotions than with only negative emotions, but I’d like to go back to positive emotions one day. I don’t want to fake being happy at a party, as I usually do.

And if I can’t have emotions, then all that’s left is achievement in life. To make value in my life, to accrue wealth or status or experience. I don’t mind dying poor as long as I’m not miserable. But imagine dying miserable and weak and poor, that sucks. I don’t want that.

Take care, and remember, if you have anything to share, your own wisdom or your own experience, my askbox is always open.

#schizoid personality disorder #schizoid #autism #anger outburst #ptsd #blog

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galahadwilder · 5 years

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We Are Miraculous, Ch. 3: Assemble

This chapter was sponsored by @thecorruptedhuman. Sponsor a fic chapter here!

We Are Miraculous Archive

With thanks to @alexseanchai and @paganinpurple

This may well be the worst morning of Adrien Agreste’s life. And he's had a lot of bad mornings.

His hands haven’t shaken this badly since the day he realized his mother wasn’t coming back. Every single sense is cranked up to twelve: he can feel every itchy, excruciating fiber of the clothes against his skin, the babble of the classroom and the whine of the fans in every electronic device assaults his ears, every blinking light tries to snatch his attention. He’s on the verge of another of what his mother always called his “episodes” in an exasperated tone—there’s a brief memory of her tearing up, asking if he can’t just once not overreact to such inconsequential things. He still doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for him to control. And his father refuses to acknowledge it.

Caron Questions Hero’s Qualifications After Shocking Confession from Ladybug

Adrien wants to scream. He wants to vomit. He knows that, right now, his Lady is seeing the same headline he is. He knows that, despite her incredible strength, there are places where she is fragile. He knows that right now she must be breaking. She needs him, she needs him and he can’t get to her, and everything’s too loud and too close.

Marinette is okay at least, Alya is taking care of her. Adrien wishes he could have helped but right now he’s an upside-down remote control car, wheels spinning uselessly in the air as he rocks in the mud. He hugs his chest, holding onto his biceps—he's rocking slightly in his chair, trying not to lose control. You're better than this, he thinks, in a voice that sounds very much like his mother's, trying to help him past an episode. You're stronger than this. You're not gonna get overwhelmed—

"Adrien," Nino says, very softly. It layers on top of everything else, but thinly, barely a push on top of all the rest of the things screaming for his attention. Adrien turns his head, looks at Nino's collarbones—can't meet his eyes right now. Too hard. Too—Adrien doesn't know the word.

Nino is holding a mechanical pencil; Adrien's not quite sure where he got it, he doesn't use them. He quickly and calmly disassembles it, laying the pieces out in front of Adrien.

Adrien blinks, and then his hands reach out and twist the top of the pencil back onto the body, and all of the lights and noises assaulting his senses begin to quiet down. He slides the eraser tube back into the pencil. The buzzing from the overhead lights is still there, but he can push it back now, ignore it. He can hear Madame Bustier's lecture again without it being garbled.

He clicks the pencil once, twice, three times, then pushes the lead back in so it's short enough not to snap when he writes. How did you know that would work? he scribbles on the edge of his notebook, not even bothering to put in the (usually painful) effort it takes to make his handwriting legible, much less the "elegance expected of an Agreste."

Miraculously, somehow, Nino can read it. He snaps the cap of his pen back and forth with his thumb, then scratches out a message on his own notebook—Chris does the same thing.

Adrien nods and tries to hand the pencil back to Nino, but Nino shakes his head, pushing it back. "You gotta fidget," he whispers.

Adrien takes the pencil back, confused; but by the time class lets out for lunch and he's disassembled and reassembled the pencil enough times that he's lost track of the number, he thinks he might be starting to understand.

"Hey Lila?" Alya says as they're getting up for lunch. "Uh... what happened to your hair?"

Adrien—along with the rest of the class—turns to look, but he can't see what Alya's talking about; Lila's hair looks pretty normal to him. Everyone else in the class looks confused too.

Lila reaches up to paws desperately at her scalp. "No, no, no," she whispers. "Alya, is there something in my hair?"

Alya blinks. "Oh, um, no, it's nothing!" she giggles. "Looks nice."

Adrien can't quite tell if she's being sarcastic. He suspects it, yeah, but anyway that's not important right now.

"Nino," he says as he stuffs his backpack, "I've got something kind of urgent I gotta do for the next few minutes. I'll meet you in the park in ten?"

Nino tilts his head, pursing his lip. "Yeah, sure," he says, mercifully not asking what it is that Adrien is doing, which is good because he hadn't planned out a lie and he's not great at coming up with them on the spot.

On the roof of the school, Chat Noir paces, staring at the screen of his baton-phone. Is now a bad time to call? What if she's mad at him for it? What if she hasn't seen the headline yet and he causes a panic attack?

He presses call.

"Kitty?" Her voice comes through the speakers clear as magic, high and soft and calm, and his lungs unwind from where they've tightened themselves around his heart, finally allowing him to breath again. "You okay?"

He slumps against the roof access door. "Actually, I was gonna ask you that," he says. "I, um, I saw the..."

Ladybug sighs. "The op-ed."

"Yeah." He licks his lips. "I'm—I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. When, you know, when you saw it. This morning."

"Oh, Chaton," she says with a sad chuckle. "I know." He hears her snort. "I know you'd have been there if you knew who I was, but—"

"You two should kiss!" shouts another voice from the same line, much quieter and much farther away.

"Shut up, Rena!" Ladybug giggles.

Chat straightens at the sound of her laugh. "You're not alone," he says, smiling.

"Yeah," Ladybug says. "I... kind of accidentally blew my identity to Rena last night, so she found me this morning as soon as the article came out. Took care of me for a bit."

Chat's chest falls. "Oh," he says. "That's... that's good." He's glad she had somebody with her, but...

Evidently she hears the hurt in his voice."You know I would've told you first if I thought it was safe," she says. "If it had been intentional—"

There's jostling on the other end of the line, a quick give me that and a hands off before Rena's voice is coming out of the speaker. "I only found out by accident," she says. "And a little detective work. Can confirm, she didn't mean for it to happen."

Chat's ribcage loosens a bit again. "Oh," he says.

"If I'd had a choice it would've been you!" he hears Ladybug call towards the phone, and his heart leaps.

"Listen," Rena says. "I have an idea. Do you know where the Lycée François Dupont is? Ground zero for Horrificator, Reflekta, and Zombizou?"

Chat raises an eyebrow and looks down at that very school under his feet. "I'm... familiar, yeah," he says.

"Meet us on the roof after school lets out," Rena says. "We've got a message for Caron and we need you to help us deliver it."

"Yeah?" Chat says, rising to his feet.

"Yeah," Rena says. "No matter what: we stand with Ladybug."

We Are Miraculous Archive

Enjoy my writing? Buy me a coffee!

@not-a-welcome-matt @depressed–and–underdressed @peregrer@me4ml @bighgbrother @sparklyaxolotlstudent @mewwitch @tinyterror333 @themacbethslayer @callmequoteman @boopboopitydoop @adashofaroace @lexysama @tourettesservicedog @fandoms-are-for-always @valentine1604 @whimsicallyconfusedforlife @happymonster-pants @mysticsoulgirl @lunab00 @weirdflyingpotato @ariana-the-fangirl @unsung-knight @absolutelycoathangered @melicmusicmagic @happymonster-pants @junipernight @miraculousl4dybug @not-a-welcome-matt @alyas-ladyblog @angelofthequeers @whatsdisshiz @random-blog-i-cant-delete @aerequets @yin-390 @zebrabaker @thecorruptedhuman

#we are miraculous #original content #my fic #adrien agreste #autistic adrien agreste #nino lahiffe #alya cesaire #ladybug #lila rossi #rena rouge #fanfic #fanfiction #ml fanfic

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pictsies-crivens · 5 years

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The Tattoo Post

It's been a couple of weeks in coming, but, it is time I gathered my thoughts together and wrote about the tattoos I got 2.5 weeks ago, and the reasoning behind them. I'll cross-post on Twitter at some point. Apologies, it's a long one.

Here they are:

The explanation: a sad tale of the end of a marriage, now ten entire years ago. The original tattoo, on my upper arm, a birthday gift from my spouse to match their own. I won't go in to details, but we shall say the events surrounding The End caused an episode of extreme depression, and the thoughts that will inevitably accompany such episodes.

I found myself one afternoon soon after The End, sitting on the floor of the new house I had rented with my teenaged children, setting up the television service. I saw Alex Kingston, who caught my eye, as we have the exact same hair (I call her my hair twin). She was standing in the midst of a group of soldiers, with a lovely young redhead, and a young fellow in tweed. The young fellow said, "I’m about to do something incredibly stupid and dangerous. When I do, jump." (Note: Whovians can probably guess I'm talking about Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone.) I remember being confused, as my dad watched Doctor Who when it aired on PBS and the Doctor guy certainly didn't look LIKE THAT. I finished watching the episode, then saw Smith and Jones (a Tennant one). Welp, I was hooked. I fell more and more for this quirky crazed show, finding other Whovians online and in the graduate classes I was enrolled in. If you notice the silhouette inside the TARDIS door, you'll discover who my Doctor is. Step the first to distracting my broken mind from it's singular focus on the dark.

I know, gentle reader, you're probably thinking, shut up, what about Crowley? Well, I'm getting there.

Step the second: I've randomly engaged with the work of Neil Gaiman through the years, starting with Sandman. I became a fan in earnest after watching Stardust (maybe 2 to 3 years after its initial release). It was in the quicksand slow-sink of my after-divorce that I found Good Omens. Gods, it was like taking in a lungfull of clear air after the near drowning in sorrow I was doing every day. I genuinely laughed, probably the first time since, well, you know, reading the paintball incident. Those ineffable idiots bring me such joy. I found Sir Terry Pratchett, DiscWorld, and the delirious giddiness his writing brings my soul.

I decided, a few years back, to cover up my tattoo that shares a similar pattern with the one on my former spouse. With what? Had to be something I loved, something that had brought me joy, one of those things that had been my life raft. The decision was easy. Doctor Who (space scene and the TARDIS, maybe Starry Night?) for the cover up, and the book cover image of Crowley (who, I had decided, was the greatest character ever conceived of in fiction). This perfectly imperfect and adorable thing right here, if you were wondering which book cover:

Well, I gathered the funds, and researched artists. I found the quite talented and cool as all get out David Cox (https://www.instagram.com/davidcoxtattoos/) and was all set to go, I was thinking, yes, this summer.

On May 31, the show dropped, and I saw a living, breathing Crowley. And my precious, impossible, enough of a bastard to be worth liking/knowing Aziraphale. (Yes, I'll probably tattoo something of him, though Michael Sheen is forever inked upon my heart now). The dam in my head with ten years of writer's block collapsed, leaving floods of words and stories in its wake. I'm writing again; I've found my (Ineffable) Muses. Searching out for my fellows in fandom here on Tumblr, I saw an art piece by the insanely talented @retrouvel.

I sent a message after a couple days thought, and asked if I could base our Crowley design off their idea. And bless them infinitely, they said yes. A bit of a change, because I wanted WINGS, and a more traditional tattoo look, but at heart, it was inspired by the amazing Retrouvel, and I can't thank them enough. Do note, he's still sideways, though not exactly sauntering. That's why I have flame haired Crowley. Apologies to Master Gaiman for the use of his fantastic line from Sandman #6 and the capitalisation of a letter that is not so in its original form. It is a favorite phrase of mine, for all its infinite possible connotations.

I'll end with this: Friends, when you're drowning as I was, find something, anything to cling to. I had my now adult offspring (hi kids didn't forget you), a lovely therapist called Misty, my Doctors😉 and my Gaiman and Pratchett; to them I still cling so very tightly. Remember, there's someone, probably more than just one someone, that wants you to stay. I'm one of them. Find your buoy, your life jacket, anything that floats in your ocean of tears and doubt (tell Rose to bunch over, there's room on that door) and bloody cling to it. Just call for it, send up a flare, rescue will come.

#good omens #aziraphale #crowley #anthony janthony crowley #goodomens #gnu terry pratchett #peter capaldi #doctor who #tattoos #neil gaiman #apologies to neil gaiman #Retrouvel #hi nick frost i still love you the tattoo about you is coming soon #sandman #hi guys if you need help the trevor project is awesome #if youre looking for a place to donate money trevor project

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alienspawnwrites · 4 years

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Laying Hands Chapter 3

Read on AO3

End of Introductions

Tony Stark was clearly very rich. If having his own skyscraper hadn't been an obvious clue, the casual glamour of the interior of the building certainly reflected his wealth. The open floor plan and comfortable living areas were a far cry from Althea's previous arrangement with the group she now knew as Hydra.

Tony proudly escorted Althea through the building, showing her to the lounge first. A large sunken floor was ringed by deep, plush couches. A long row of window cushioned seats ran along the floor to ceiling windows of the room, looking extremely warm and inviting even in setting sun. The bar occupied pride of place near the center of the room, and he boasted that it held just about every liquor ever produced. One wall was dominated by huge bookshelves. Combined, they contained more books than Althea had ever seen outside the public library she had frequented as a child. On another wall hung a massive television screen, and she marveled at how thin the electronic was. Technology had certainly advanced during her years in confinement. The space had a small kitchenette stockpiled with various drinks and snacks as well as a large round table with room enough to seat ten, at least. Tony informed her he had once tried to initiate a game night, his tone indicating the attempt had not gone well.

A few floors down, the kitchen proper was no less impressive or technologically advanced. Tony pointed out various appliances, going over their functions with dizzying speed. Some looked familiar, others looked to her like something straight out of an episode of Star Trek. Even the refrigerator was outfitted with it's own display panel, though Althea couldn't fathom what possible purpose they could serve. It was a cold box; why would anyone feel the need to attach a computer to something so simple?

Steve, who had joined them for the tour, noticed her obvious confusion. "Don't worry," he whispered, leaning in. "It took me forever to figure this stuff out too. I still can't make a normal cup of coffee on that thing." He pointed to a device that looked to be more buttons than machine. "I keep making something Tony calls a 'frappe'." His exaggerated look of frustration earned a chuckle from Althea. He smiled, happy she was starting to feel at ease. "It is delicious, though."

Below the dining floor, Tony explained, were the sleeping quarters of everyone on the team. "Except for me, of course. I'm up top in the penthouse. They might call it 'Avengers Tower' but I still pay the bills. That comes with certain perks."

Tony had just shown Althea to what was to be her bedroom when they were interrupted by a voice emanating from the watch on Tony's wrist. "Sir, Miss Romanoff has returned. She is waiting for you in the debriefing room." Althea was hardly surprised to learn Tony had a stereotypical British butler. What kind of eccentric billionaire would he be without one?

"Ah. Looks like the rest of the tour is going to have to wait until later. We'll let you settle in while we get everyone caught up to speed. Feel free to explore if you want, though I imagine you're probably tuckered out after today. If you need anything just ask J.A.R.V.I.S."

"Jarvis?" Thea looked around. She hadn't seen anyone other than Tony and Steve during the entirety of their tour.

"How can I help you, ma'am," came the same British voice as before. Althea started and looked around, searching desperately for its source.

"J.A.R.V.I.S. is an artificial intelligence program, a computer if you must, of my own invention. He runs just about everything around here," Stark explained. "J.A.R.V.I.S., meet Thea. She's going to be staying with us for a while. Let's start with level 3 clearance for now and go from there."

"Very well, sir."

"We'll come get you later. You should meet the rest of the team once you've gotten some rest." Steve gave her a last parting smile before he and Tony turned, leaving her alone in her new quarters.

Althea examined the room. It was simple but incredibly spacious, outfitted with a king size bed covered with a plush blue bedspread, and a pair of long, low dressers. Curious, she opened one of the drawers, but found it empty. For a moment she debated asking Tony's A.I. butler for a change of clothes, but decided against it. Even if it was capable of filling the request, a new wardrobe would probably be too bold for her first day. The room only had one window, albeit a large one, located just behind the bed. Through it, Althea had commanding view of the city, no less impressive in the waning light of the nearly set sun. Again, she found herself captivated by the sight, unable to tear her attention away for several minutes.

When at last she turned away, she noticed a second door stood on the far side of the room. She opened it cautiously, revealing a pristine bathroom. As she stepped inside, her movement in the large wall-mounted mirror caught her eye and she stopped to investigate her reflection.

She couldn't remember the last time she had properly seen herself, and she was unimpressed at the sight. If she didn't know better, Althea would say she looked sickly. She fingered a lock of her lackluster hair, rubbing the dry strands between her fingers. The understated luxury of her surroundings only highlighted her pathetic appearance. Suddenly, she remembered Steve had mentioned meeting 'the rest', and she grew even more self-conscious.

She decided a shower could do nothing but improve her sad condition, and was pleased to find towels conveniently laid out nearby. Even better, she noticed, she was able to lock the bathroom from the inside. Althea couldn't recall the last time she had locked someone out, rather than been locked in. The small taste of power helped her relax. She removed her clothes, hoping J.A.R.V.I.S. wasn't somehow watching, and stepped into the shower.

She emerged from the bathroom clean and redressed, toweling off her damp hair. The shower had been well stocked, and she held out hope that the conditioner she had found would make some improvement on her unhealthy locks. At the very least she smelt a good deal better. A small platter of food had been placed atop a box on the dresser in her absence, and Althea became aware of just how hungry she was. She immediately set about devouring the simple meal: a turkey sandwich and a packet of crisps. It wasn't until she had polished off the last remaining crumb that she paid the box any mind. Opening it, she found a brand new pair of tennis shoes. The gift brought a smile to Althea's face. They had noticed her shoddy footwear and found her a suitable replacement without her needing to ask. She mentally added a check in the "good guys" column. She added another when she slipped the shoes on, finding them a near-perfect fit.

Althea found she was too nervous to take Tony up on his offer to explore on her own. Truthfully, he had been right: she was exhausted. She carefully laid herself down in the middle of the expansive bed, studying the ceiling above as she ran through the events of the day. Her nerves were far less frayed than they had been just a few hours earlier. The chaos surrounding her meeting the Avengers and her escape from the organization they called Hydra already felt so far away. She silently chastised herself. She didn't know these people. It was too soon to get comfortable and let her guard down. A hot shower and some shoes shouldn't be enough to win her trust; she knew better. Despite her renewed resolve to remain wary, Althea soon drifted into the deep dreamless sleep brought on by physical and mental exhaustion, still wearing her new shoes.

An insistent knocking woke Althea. She shot up and looked around blankly at the now dark room. Her mind raced as she groggily tried to place herself and remember how she had ended up asleep atop the covers of the strange bed. The rapping persisted as the circumstances surrounding her new quarters returned to her, and she leapt out of bed to answer the door.

Althea was still blinking the sleep from her eyes when she opened the door, revealing a rather annoyed looking Tony Stark. "Jesus kid, I was beginning to think you were dead or something. Come one," he waved for her to follow. "The gang's all assembled. They're just dying to meet you." He led her through the halls and to the elevator. Althea's nerves caught up with her as they rode up towards the lounge and she wrung her hands anxiously.

"Don't worry," Tony attempted to console her, noticing her distress. Despite the costumes and nicknames we're all nice enough, pretty normal even. Well, most of us anyway." Before she had a chance to ask for clarification, the doors slid open, revealing five persons scattered about the room.

"Cap you already know," Tony gestured to Steve, now casually dressed in a simple t-shirt and jeans. Maskless and out of costume he looked surprisingly... normal. "As well as Natasha, though I don't think you guys had a chance to properly introduce yourselves." Natasha nodded towards Althea in greeting, even gracing her with a small smile though it didn't seem to reach her eyes. Despite the relaxed setting she still appeared to be all business.

"Let's move on to the new faces." Tony clapped his hands and spun to face the rest of the assembled group. "Bruce here, well he's probably the second smartest person on the team, next to myself of course." A timid looking man with graying hair gave her a small wave. "Don't be fooled though. He may look like a mild-mannered scientist, but he's got one hell of an anger issue. Best not to push it, unless you want to butt heads with the not-so-jolly green giant." Althea was suitably confused, and Bruce's bashful reaction did nothing to clarify Tony's meaning.

"I'm not, that's not really the whole story. It's.. it's complicated," stammered Bruce. Althea looked between the two men for an explaination.

"Oh 'complicated' doesn't even begin to describe you, does it Brucey."

"Alright stop it, Tony," Steve cut in. "You'll scare her."

"Sorry," he answered, dripping with sarcasm. Then, seeing Althea's anxious face, more seriously, "Sorry. Bruce is a stand up guy, really. Nothing to be scared of. Honestly." Althea gave Bruce a dubious side-long glance but nodded. Despite Tony's insinuations, she couldn't bring herself to be scared of the sheepish looking man.

"I would like to introduce myself to the new girl." Althea spun to face the loud, commanding voice. She found herself face to face, or rather face to chest, with an enormous, brawny man. He was standing so close that she had to crane her next just to see his face. Bright blue eyes sparkled above a broad, sincere smile, framed by a head of sandy blond locks. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Thea. I am Thor, son of Odin, Prince of Asgard and God of Thunder." He offered her a giant hand, which she took hesitantly. His grip was incredibly strong, painfully grinding the bones of her fingers together. Oblivious to her discomfort, he gave her hand a vigorous shake, the force nearly lifting her off her feet.

"God?", she repeated incredulously as he released her. She chose to ignore her sore digits, unconcerned with the obvious damage his zealous greeting had caused.

"Yes, the God of Thunder." He seemed unfazed by her skepticism. "I channel lightening through my hammer, Mjolnir. It was crafted for me by dwarves in the furnaces of Nidavellir. It is very impressive, it has no equal." His words were boastful, but his tone sounded matter-of-fact, as though he were merely conveying mundane facts. Althea slowly turned to Steve, whom she felt to be the most reasonable of the group, for some sort of explanation, but he merely shrugged and nodded.

She turned back to Thor, who was still beaming at her. Althea found herself smiling back, albeit tentatively, at his unbridled affability. "Nice to meet you too, Thor...uh, your majesty?" She added nervously. She had no idea what was proper etiquette when speaking with royalty, let alone a superhuman prince.

"No, no no no, don't do that," cut in Tony. "'Thor is fine. He only gets titles on his own planet. Besides, 'majesty' is for a king, you call a prince 'highness'."

"His planet ?"Althea wheeled on Thor, her eyes wide a saucers. "As in 'not Earth'?"

"This mortal appears denser than the average Midgardian," came a condescending voice from behind Thor. "Why is she here again? Is she some sort of pet?"

Althea noticed the tall, lanky figure for the first time. He stood a little apart from the rest, leaning casually against the kitchenette counter and looking entirely disinterested by the entire situation. He wore street clothes, but they were a far cry from the casual outfits donned by the rest of the assembled Avengers. Instead he wore a fine, expensive looking suit, perfectly tailored to his lithe frame. Every piece of the ensemble was jet black, barely distinguishable from one another. It matched his raven hair and highlighted the paleness of his alabaster skin. Looking at him, Althea was reminded of the marble statues of antiquity.

"Do not mind Loki." Thor strode leisurely over to the man. "It is in my brother's nature to jest." He made to land a good-natured pat on Loki's shoulder, but his hand met no resistance, instead passing through the illusion in a ripple of green light. Thor was caught off balance, and gracelessly stumbled forward a few steps.

The rest of the party momentarily joined in Althea's confusion, though none of them seemed to share her surprise. They all looked around the room. Movement from a dark corner drew their attention, and Althea saw the same figure, Loki, rise from the window seat farthest away from where the rest of the group was seated. Without acknowledging them, he made his way to the door.

"In the future, I ask that you only summon me for important matters... or at least interesting ones," he called out behind him, without turning around.

The entire interaction left Althea stunned, and she closed her gaping mouth, unaware it had fallen open.

"Like I said, most of us are nice," Tony grimaced.

"Forgive him," Thor pleaded on his brother's behalf. "Loki may not be the most courteous, but he has a good heart. It will reveal itself in time."

"Yeah, so you keep saying," came Tony's retort.

Althea turned her attention back to the rest, "Where's Clint...uh, Hawkeye?", Althea wondered aloud. She had been hoping to learn more about the quiet, sullen archer.

"Oh Clint doesn't like to hang around with us much. He's not really the sociable type." Tony didn't seem too bothered by the absence.

"He has his own place," corrected Natasha, and left it at that.

"So, that's introductions out of the way. These are the Avengers: Earth's mightiest heroes, and one sulky jerk. Why don't you tell the class a little about yourself." Tony offered her the floor.

"I, uh, well I don't really know what to say," Althea shifted uncomfortably under their joint scrutiny.

"You could start with what you were doing in a top secret Hydra hideout in the Alleghenies," prompted Natasha.

"I don't even know who or what Hydra is."

"They're an organization bent on world domination, evil as they come by all accounts," Steve explained. "They've got long arms and fingers in just about criminal pie out there. Weapons, covert governments, terrorism, the works. We've been after them for years. They keep us pretty busy, living up to their name. Every time we find one base of operation another two pop up. The raid this morning was just the most recent battle in a long fight."

"We received intel they were working on a special project in the mountains. Intel that led us to you." Natasha pinned Althea with a biting look. "The 'asset'."

Althea stared at her feel, overwhelmed by this new information. She had never entertained the idea that she had suffered in the name of some philanthropic cause, but neither had she imagined anything so heinous or with such a large scope.

"I didn't know what they were doing, or even what they wanted with me. I didn't have a choice."

"How long were you there?" Bruce's voice was soft and sincere.

"I don't know exactly," she conceded. "What year is it?"

"2015," Steve replied.

"2015?", Althea reeled. After a bit of mental math, she had her answer. "Eleven, maybe twelve years."

"Twelve... twelve years? You're telling me you've been down in the bunker since you were a kid? Since Martha Stewart went to prison? Since before Facebook?"

"What's Facebook?", Thor, Steve and Althea all voiced the question in unison.

Tony looked back and forth between the three of them. "Unbelievable. How is it nearly half of the people living in this tower are completely removed from modern, human culture. Honestly, if you only knew the jokes I've wasted on you lot."

"If they kept you around for so long, they must have had a reason," Bruce gently pressed.

Althea only ground her teeth in response. She wanted to tell them, to trust them. She wanted nothing more to unburden herself and count these people as allies, or even eventually friends, but she knew that was only the best case scenario. The countless other possible outcomes kept her mouth shut. True, they seemed trustworthy, if not odd, but she had been here all of a day. It was too soon to know for certain, and she had to be certain.

With a deep breath, she gathered the courage to speak up. "I don't know what they were trying to do. Honestly, I don't. I know you guys want to know why I was there, what it is about me that made them so interested. And I want to tell you, but I... I need time. I just spent nearly half my life held prisoner by what you tell me is an evil, global organization bent on controlling the world. I didn't even know their name until today. I promise I'm not going to hurt anyone. I don't even think I could hurt someone if I tried, let alone any of you. From what I've seen you could take me out without breaking a sweat. But I didn't leave one prison just to hand myself over to another, all because of something I had no say in." She held her breath, hoping they could hear the truth of her words.

"Pretty sure that's the most you've spoken since we picked you up," muttered Tony, breaking the tension that had permeated the room.

"We can give you time," said Steve. He looked around at each of his companions, making sure they understood that the decision had been made. "We'll have to keep an eye on you for now, I hope you understand, keep you confined to the tower. But you're not our prisoner, and when you're ready to tell us, we'll be here."

Althea couldn't help the appreciative smile that crept across her face at his understanding. She added another check to the ever growing 'good guys' tally in her mind.

#loki fic #loki x original female character #loki #fanfic #fan fiction #loki fanfic #romance #slow burn #slow build #angst #loki (marvel)#marvel #mcu fic

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aproblematicpanda · 4 years

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IF YOU ARE BORED I WILL APPEAR: the 100 for the in depth fandom questions 💖💖

Excellent timing, I just sent you an ask, too! :D Thanks babe. <3 I feel like I have so much more to say than I just did but the inspiration seems to have bailed on me. Oh well. If you have any follow-up questions hmu!

Top 5 favorite characters: Octavia, Echo, Lexa, Lincoln, Murphy Other characters you like: Gaia, Raven, Emori, Monty, Harper, Diyoza Least favourite characters: Clarke, Abby, Kane Otps: Octavia and Lincoln, Lexa and Clarke, Bellamy and Echo Notps: Bellamy and Clarke, basically anything involving Abby Favourite friendships: Murphy and Raven, Monty and Jasper Favourite family: Spacekru Favourite episodes: 4x10, 5x02, probably more but I can’t really think of anything else right now (I appreciated 7x02 but I’m not quite sure yet if I’m gonna call it a favorite, that will depend on how the rest of the season turns out) Favourite season: Season 2 Favourite quotes: “We’re back, bitches!” “I don’t choose pain. I choose life.” “Not everyone. Not you.” “ You're the most beautiful broom in a broom closet of brooms.” “ I can't change the tide if the moon won't cooperate. It's basic physics.” (I’m including this last one because of an amazing Monty/Jasper gif set I saw once.) Best musical moment: Ehh... Well I stll tear up basically every time I hear Cloud by Elias, the song that played during Lincoln’s death scene. It’s an amazing song and anything related Lincoln’s death still gets to me, not just because of the characters but also because of everything that went on with Ricky and everything he was put through, it’s just... it’s a very loaded moment in the series as well as behind the scenes. I’m not sure ‘best’ is the right word here but it’s the moment I’m going with. Moment that made you fangirl the hardest: When Octavia became Skaikru’s champion. I found it rather poetic that a young woman who had been spat out by her community simply for being born was their only hope for survival. Plus, she looked incredible. When it really disappointed you: It’s not just ‘a moment’ but I’ve been really disappointed by the show’s treatment of Octavia and how its hypocrisy concerning other characters who have done way worse shit than Octavia yet they are patted on the back and protected for it by the narrative. It aggravates me. I’m not mad that Octavia has had it rough, when a character gets everything handed to them on a golden platter with no real consequences, that’s boring. But it makes me mad that she’s the only one who has to pay for her mistakes and none of the others have to, and the way the characters are now comfortable joking about what has been the most traumatizing, horrifying and scarring thing anyone has ever had to go through really pisses me off. Octavia deserves so much better, the show really dropped the ball here. I’m also extremely disappointed by the way the show handled Lexa’s death. Octavia survived a sword through the gut and falling off a big ass cliff, but Lexa can’t take a stray bullet in the presence of someone who is meant to be a doctor? I mean I get that this was supposed to prove that we’re all vulnerable and that even Lexa, Heda of the thirteen clans can’t escape death, but come on. Also the way Jason treated the Clexa fandom was gross. Saddest moment: The moment Bellamy called Octavia “the queen of cannibals”. Up until that point I held onto hope that things would get better, that the show would still turn things around, that everything Octavia had been put through would be put into perspective when she could tell the one she loved the most about the horrors the bunker put her through. But when Bellamy called her that, it was made clear that not only did he find out about the most traumatizing part of his sister’s life (and it’s not like it lacked trauma before) but he also didn’t care. It was the moment where I had to give up hope that they could ever get to a place where I would respect and care for their dynamic again and it made me sad, because Octavia deserved so much better. Most well done character death: Oh god, this is a difficult one, because I have issues with most of the main characters’ deaths lol. So I’m gonna go with Nia for this one, because I really liked that Lexa recognized who the real threat was and took matters into her own hands and did what she could to maintain the coalition. I can’t think of another death that I didn’t hate. Favourite guest star: Probably Jessica Harmon Favourite cast member: Marie Avgeropoulos Character you wish was still alive: Lincoln, hands down. So many things would be different right now if he had still been around. One thing you hope really happens: I hope Bellamy and Echo are endgame and not just that, I also hope that the show will allow Bellamy to treat Echo with the love and respect she deserves. Because so far the show hasn’t really shown their relationship much respect and most of the effort is coming from Echo’s side and I don’t care much for that. Bellamy clearly loves her a lot, so I hope the writers will let him show and prove that to us in the final season. Most shocking twist: I don’t really think the 100 is good at shocking twists? You see most of them coming from miles away lol. When did you start watching: When it came out, basically. :) Best animal/creature: Helios! Favourite location: Ehh... I’m gonna go with the dropship or Arkadia, not because I love those places so much but because they’re where the show’s best seasons (one and two) basically happened. Trope you wish they would stop using: BYG One thing this show does better than others: Pissing off its fanbase! :’D Funniest moments: Most of Monty and Jasper’s interactions in the earlier seasons, those two were amazing. Couple you would like to see: I wish the show would make Niylah and Octavia a thing even if I don’t passionately ship it. I also became a huge fan of Clarke and Gaia! Actor/Actress you want to join the cast: I really don’t know anyone for this question... I’m a big fan of Kristen Stewart so I’d probably be thrilled with that, but it’s not something that I actively want or anything. Favourite outfit: Ehh... As much as I hate to say this, Clarke does get the best outfits and I think I’m gonna go with the dress she wore early in season 6. I’m also a huge fan of Octavia’s grounder look bw. Favourite item: Lincoln’s diary Do you own anything related to this show: Nope What house/team/group/friendship group/family/race etc would you be in: Well I don’t know which one I would be in, but Spacekru or Trikru seem like the most fun so I’d want to be a part of one of those! Most boring plotline: I never really cared for the City of Light although I will admit that storyline had a lot of potential, I’m just not sure the show really handled that well? Most laughably bad moment: The fact that Clarke just becomes anyone’s leader anywhere while not doing anything for it. And how fast she was forgiven and integrated into Spacekru in season 6 while doing the bare minimum to work for their forgiveness and showing no signs of remorse or wanting to change. Best flashback/flashfoward if any: I really liked the flashbacks of Octavia’s childhood, they did a good job of portraying what life had been like for her and it helped us understand her character better, even if they were short and limited to one episode. I also really enjoyed watching Octavia during those ten years in Skyring, but I’m not sure those qualify as a flashback and I do have some issues with them, still, so I’m gonna go ahead and stick with 1x06. Most layered character: Octavia, hands down Most one dimensional character: Oh god, how do I answer this... Of the core group I guess I would go with Raven. And that isn’t because I don’t love her, because I very much do, it’s the show’s fault for not really digging into anything that’s related to her. She’s just in the background until they need her to fix a problem they’ve been having or until they need someone to be tortured, or lately when they need to make Clarke look less horrible. She just doesn’t really get much else to work with, we don’t know what motivates her, we barely see her feel a type of way about the things she’s put through and when she does get a voice, it’s obviously meant to create sympathy for other characters so... yeah. Scariest moment: I don’t find it a very scary show hahaha. Grossest moment: The graphic scene of Lincoln’s execution, it was in such poor taste, especially considering everything that had been going on with Jrot and Ricky. Best looking male: Murphy Best looking female: Octavia and Echo Who you’re crushing on (if any): Octavia and Echo Favourite cast moment: Ehh, I don’t really keep up with the cast so idk? I did love Marie calling Echo Octavia’s sister-in-law though. Favourite transportation: None I think, I don’t really care? Most beautiful scene (scenery/shot wise): The one that comes to mind right away is the one of Octavia swimming towards the surface after she ran into the anomaly, it’s just such a pretty shot. Other than that, well, The 100 is shot in a beautiful environment so a lot of their scenery is gorgeous but I just immediately thought of this one. Unanswered question/continuity issue/plot error that bugs you: Jason’s blabbing about the damn worms. The way 3x01 felt completely disconnected from everything that happened in 2x16 also still bugs me. And how it feels as if the new writers never really saw the previous seasons and instead just read character descriptions, I feel like they didn’t really grasp the relationships and stuff like that in season 6. Best promo: Ehh, I usually just watch the episodes so I don’t really have an opinion about this. Loved the uproar the one for season 7 caused, though, because I’m a sucker for drama hahaha. At what point did you fall in love with this show/book: As soon as I met Octavia, she’s my baby and you will have to take her from my cold. dead. hands.

Send me a show/fandom and I’ll answer

#the 100 #ask

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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 5 years

Text

WhatsApp, Part 11. (Steve Rogers x reader)

Description: You’ve never been lucky with guys. You just wanted to catch someone’s eye, to be loved. One day, that’s about to turn completely - with one fake, completely imagined number a guy gave you

A/N: x

Warnings: Pretty huge angst throughout the chapter. Well. :,) That's that.

Word Count: 2.3 K

Tagging: @missdictatorme, @songforhema, @mikariell95, @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory

Read the rest here: Part One Part Two Part three Part four Part five Part Six Part seven Part eight Part nine Part ten

If you like to have your readings in order :): H E R E

Nobody could see that Bucky and Deena will start dating really soon. It was big for her since the first time they saw each other. It was like an instant crush, boom and the next few weeks were only Bucky-filled. You were split about all of that - you were happy for your best friend.

She found someone to click with, someone to just be with, somebody great.

But why Steve was not taking his chances when his best friend was ready in one day. One fucking day. You liked that guy, but your patience was starting to get seriously thin.

After the first date, Deena immediately did a FaceTime group. It was consisting of four people - her, May, Suzie and you. Everyone except Deena was in their comfortable home clothes, everyone was looking terrible in the camera, but for Deena's face with a big smile on it. She was giggling loudly. And she didn't even seem to be even drunk.

Jealousy stroke you at that moment. She was on a date with James and she looked as happy as never before. This was an unseen, a completely new thing in Deena's behavior. She was indeed beautiful like that.

"Okay, you happy face. Start talking!" - You cried out with a sultry smile. You and Steve. Could you be like that if he ever asked you out? At that point, it seemed pointless. Steve was basically the slowest relationship maker in history. But even tho your faith slowly started to fade away, you tried to be optimistic about all of that.

"I'm not going to lie to you, this was one of the... Best fucking dates in my whole life." - She yelled all over the street and she didn't give a crap about people turning after her.

"Really? Come on, details!" - May said and turned her face in the direction of the TV, watching the series she used to every Thursday. It was some endless series, some telenovela or what. But she loved when she could only talk about the things that happened in the last episode and you just listened to her.

"First things first, he's incredibly handsome. He's like the vocabulary definition of a hunk, you should see those rippin' back, shoulders... This is the first guy with long hair that I fuckin' adore!" - Deena exclaimed. That was true, she hated guys who had hair under their earlobes. She found that disgusting. And James must've been really sexy if even Deena found him sexy. - "He's sweet, he's funny, he has manners... Girls. He is behaving so calmly, he is so fucking well raised. I want to meet the woman who raised him up, because she's my hero..." - She kept on talking and talking and your mind slowly kept on fading away as you thought about Steve. You would love to be the one calling, the one who would be screaming somewhere on the street. But you weren't.

Slowly, James became a day-to-day part of your office life. He and Deena were saying they're just friends, but everyone thought something different. Deena had the most lustful look ever, every time James came to the office with a couple of bags full of food for every one of you, everyone in the distance of few meters knew she's thinking about fucking the soul out of him. James made her laugh, they slowly grew closer and closer, having their inside jokes and sometimes you caught them staring in the eyes of each other.

Everyone was smiling when James brought her flowers for the first time. It was a big puget of white roses and they were indeed beautiful. Each of you just sat there and looked at her table with a dreamy look. And if that wasn't enough, James got along with everyone as well. He was a nice, funny and he indeed was handsome. Most of them, he got along with Val.

Without you even knowing, he was looking after you. The slightest things he was asking you about were just ok checks. And why he was doing it? Steve. Of course, it was for his idiot friend Steve.

Bucky was doing a serious super-secret inside job at their place - he was telling Steve everything about you, making him think about you all night long as if your long calls and photos didn't do that job as well.

It was teamwork. Bucky was reminding Steve almost every day of the week and Sam was encouraging him to make the move finally. They even stop to argue for a short amount of time just to work on Steve's mind. They were trying their best shots with Steve at that very moment.

---

"All I'm saying is she had a beautiful dress on today. You really should've seen them." - Bucky said from eating his bowl of yogurt and cereal. He just came back from Deena's apartment, smelling like hot and steamy sex and sin, his eyes shining like the stars.

"Old man, I think you're shooting the air here. He's not gonna do anythin' about that. He's too shy. He's too nice. Not like you bending that skirt over the first month." - Sam just added, chewing on a mango.

"Sorry, I forgot it's Steve we're talking about here." - Bucky said in answer. It was back and forth for the last few long, long weeks in Steve's perspective. James and Sam could cooperate on a seriously good level when they tried to. That was just the way it was.

"You're not helping. Natasha is very angry with me when I start to spar with her and I'm out of my head because I just see her face in my mind, I don't even take notice on the meetings and Tony is ready to kill me on the spot, I don't seem to do my paperwork well and I don't feel easy in the last... Three weeks. I'm in constant stress an in a carousel of reminders. You got under my skin and I don't find it funny anymore." - Steve just straightaway yelled at the two of them from a moment to moment. Sam and Bucky were scared the hell out. Steve was the calm guy, who tried to find a solution in absolutely every situation.

But now he was on edge. He just snapped. Both of them sat in silence while Steve got into his room and almost broke the door when he shut them with all the force he got in his body.

"I think we stepped too far, Buck. I've never seen Steve acting like that." - Sam said when the quiet between them became unbearable.

"No. Trust me. Things are going just the way they should. This is the thing we've been waiting for the whole time. Give him a few more hours and voilà. The magic's done." - Buck smiled wickedly and continued with eating his cereal. Sam could barely stand still, he was nervous because of what state they were able to get Steve into.

The apartment was deadly silent for the next whole day. Every time Steve got out of his room and met Sam or James in the flat, he just stared them down, took his things, food or whatever and disappeared back in his room again.

Those few days were seriously crucial. Steve was acting like a small child - even Natasha wasn't able to get him out of his room when Steve didn't come to their sparring session. Although you were texting him numerous times, Steve hasn't answered a single one, which made you worried as well.

---

"Hi, James." - You approached Deena's table nervously. You were spinning with your fingers and Bucky could tell that you're not feeling too good. In the last few days, something was circling through your head. You sighed all the times, you weren't laughing at his dumb questions and jokes, you were just acting weirdly.

"Hey, sunshine. Come and sit with us. You want some plums?" - He gave you one of them and smiled at you happily.

"I have a question." - Your voice sounded sour and quiet. You were just out of your mind. - "Would you mind answering it?"

"I'm an open book. Just ask me." - James smiled at you with his baby blue eyes. Deena knew what topic you are going to pick, so she took all of her papers, stood up, kissed Bucky's cheek and left the table.

"Have I done something... Wrong? You know, have I told Steve anything bad, he didn't like my appearance or my nature? Because... I don't have a single idea about what wrong have I done. I just simply don't." - You said sadly and he could see the tears in your eyes. Steve hadn't text you for five days, which was an unbelievable thing for somebody like him.

"Aaah, baby girl." - Bucky hugged your shoulder to make you smile a bit. - "You're fine. You're more than fine. He's just conflicted at the moment, sometimes it's harder with him. All you need to do now is to have some patience, don't be stressed and have some plums."

"You like those plums a lot, right?" - You tried to joke with a sad done.

"Sweetheart, you have no idea. Plums are a cure for everything." - Bucky answered and started to chew another one. Somehow he always has an endless supply of plums everywhere he went to. And he always got one for everyone.

"Don't you start about those fucking plums. I'm on a plum diet since I'm dating this guy. I've eaten tons of them." - Deena appeared behind James after getting some new paperwork from May. - "I left you the papers I've finished on the table. They should be ok, but you should rework them to how you like the work done."

"Yeah. I'm going to go through them now. Thank you." - You smiled a bit, took two plums from James and hugged him quickly in a friendly matter. He was a sweet, sweet guy.

---

"Steve, we need to talk." - Bucky knocked on his door with a frown on his face. - "I'm done with your acting as a child phase."

"And I'm done with your brainwashing program. Some things are not as we expect them to be." - Steve hummed through the door. Steve felt like if he was in a tight corner made by Buck and Sam themselves. He wanted her so much, yet those paranoid things were louder and louder in his own head. What if you back out when you'll see who he actually is? Will you freak out? Would you just say no to him? Would you even want to go out?

There were so many questions in the air for him. And he heard them almost every time he saw any part of his own body in the mirror. And that was Bucky's artwork.

"I'll go straight to the things I want to say. That girl is all over you, that girl is now sad in her office because your dumb ass is not showing any sign of interest. Go and call that girl. Take her out." - Bucky told in a firm voice. He was done with Steve at that point. And Steve was done with Bucky's doctrine.

Everyone seemed to be done with everything at that point.

"Can't you see that she doesn't care who the hell you are? You could be even birdbrain and she wouldn't care. You should take your chances as they are and just try it." - Bucky warned him and then left the door, taking his jacket and called Deena that he'll have a sleepover at her place. That left Steve all alone at the flat.

But he knew that Bucky is totally right. He should act on his chances. You were worth all of that.

So he just called your number without any further thinking. You answered after a minute of dialing.

"Hi." - You said a bit coldly. That was his treason for the absence he had. It was numerous days since he heard you, you sounded like a lullaby, so sweetly and lovely.

"Hey. I'm... I'm so sorry. This is all my fault." - Steve said without further dialogue.

"I'm not going to lie. Twenty texts. You made me worried." - That's when it hit his ears. Bucky was totally right, he made you sad. It was all Steve's fault. Your voice was sweet as usual, but it had some bitterness in it. You were angry with him. That was for sure.

"This is not easy for me, okay? I'm really nervous right now." - Steve stuttered and your blood went immediately ice cold. Steve was going to tell you that you're not a thing anymore. That he's done with it.

"You don't have to worry. I think I get what you mean." - You said and your voice broke down. He heard the mourning in it.

"So you don't want to go out with me?" - Steve said in a tight voice, he said it quickly and practically choked it all out.

"Are you serious? Like deadly serious?" - That didn't convince you at all. You were ironical as hell.

"I am completely serious. Let's just go on a date." - He repeated in a completely straight tone. And he knew that this thing will change his life from the basics he thought he knew.

#steve rogers x you #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers #captain America #J Buchanan Barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes #the winter soldier #the wintersoldier #sam wilson #the falcon #WhatsApp part eleven #hello #a bit of angst

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murphystartedthefire · 5 years

Note

I'll be honest - I didn't like Emori, but she started to grow on me at the begining of this season. Last episode was great for her. I don't know if you've been asked this already (probably yes), but could you make a ranking of your top 10 Memori moments? I think I know what's gonna be first, though 😁

Sorry for the delay but thank you for this ask!!! It is so hard to narrow down to a Top Ten, let alone rank them. So this is my best effort and very personal to my own feels (and I’m likely to change my mind on any given day):

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10) 3x13 Red Sky at Morning

The scene where Murphy, Pike, and Indra have a chance to take out the City of Light, but ALIE-Emori says it will kill her? And he has every reason to *know* she’s manipulating him and either way this is a world-destroying threat they need to take care of and meanwhile (not that he knows this) Monty is off in another location wiping his own mom out of existence, but Murphy is a soft boy who can’t bring himself to do it. And THEN there’s that crushing moment of hope where he thinks she’s back for a second but then realizes she’s still ALIE... it is pure angst and I love it.

9) 4x01 Echoes

Asking her to come back to Arkadia. Their main arc all season was about being on their own or part of a group, Murphy a lot more chill about returning to his people and Emori much more wary and distrusting. But it still ends with her agreeing to take that leap with him (the fact it’s another couple of episodes before they actually do is his decision). To me this was the I-want-a-future-with-you proposal scene prior to the other one, and I don’t know how to look at those big beautiful smiles and NOT want to give them the world.

8) 6x01 Sanctum

Speaking of smiles! I can’t get over how cute and joyful this scene is, especially coming on the heels such a dark time they had in season 5. It’s a fair argument that their post-breakup reunion was too quick and not fully earned. But in my Memori-shipping heart I just love to see them *happy*, teasing each other and acting like kids, embracing this second chance to be alive and loved.

7) 4x08 God Complex

I really should put this higher but on a purely subjective level it just... hurts too much to watch. Murphy losing his entire shit and trying to get out of his bonds while Emori’s trying to resign herself to her fate and telling him not to fight for her. They are so desperate and terrified and thinking of *nothing* but saving each other. :( It’s kind of brilliant how “Gimme Shelter” totally establishes Memori as borderline villains (in the framing of that last scene more than anything) and then in the very next episode it’s just... I can’t even imagine not feeling terribly anxious and sad for them, while watching our usual protagonists become nearly irredeemable. And then Murphy screams and pleads at Clarke and it’s an incredible performance from Richard as we all know, but the scene leading up to it is underappreciated, I think.

6) 5x06 Exit Wounds

It was hard to get anything from S5 on here (and I’m tempted to just go with the near-sex scene in this ep, definitely the hottest Memori scene) but I do really appreciate this moment in the rocket giving us probably the clearest view of what happened to drive them apart on the Ring. Also season five had several Unfortunate Uses of Shock Collars but this was probably where it was put to *best* use as a symbol of where they were at emotionally. It’s a rare and really good thing on this show when the action stops for characters to have a human conversation.

5) 2x12 Rubicon

There’s a lot of great meet-cute/meet-knife-to-throat in this episode, but by far my favorite scene is when they open up to each other about their reasons for being rejected by their people -- Murphy owning up to his violent past and Emori showing him her mutation. It’s a risk of being vulnerable and judged in different ways, and the foundation of their relationship: they recognize a part of themselves in each other.

4) 3x16 Perverse Instantiation Pt. 2

This is a short moment but makes me feel so much! Memori have so many great reunions/hugs, but this one after she wakes up from the City of Light is just so emotional and powerful. Her devastated face! The way they cling to each other! They are truly everything in the world to each other at this moment and never want to let go.

3) 4x07 Gimme Shelter

This list has many tooth-hurtingly sweet moments about how adorable and precious Memori are together, but it’s no secret I also LOVED this episode’s reveal of how dark and cunning and ruthless Emori can be and how Murphy was all the way onboard with it. There is so much complexity to them that doesn’t easily boil down to ‘perfect misunderstood woobies’ or ‘irredeemable bad guys’. Emori especially had been shaped by her life to be very, very paranoid and self-preserving, and Murphy so quickly accepting and even *impressed* by that side of her is a lot more interesting than if the show had just straight-up vilified her, or alternately made her an angel whose goodness redeemed him.

2) 3x02 Wanheda Pt. 2

Cheek kiss! This will always have a place in my heart as the moment I started shipping them. I just really love how sweet it is, in contrast to the fact they just killed a person (albeit in self-defense). There’s something completely sincere and gentle in how they relate to each other. (You see that with Murphy’s puppy eyes in Rubicon, I guess this is when I felt it from Emori as well.) They approach giving and receiving affection in such an innocent way because they just haven’t had that in their lives. :(

1) 6x08 The Old Man and the Anomaly

HAHAHAHAHA (laughter turns into delirious sobs and falls off chair), your ask was like “I bet I know what’s gonna be first” and my immediate thought was “Not necessarily!” but then I realized I was just kidding myself. Can you believe. CAN YOU BELIEVE. JOHN MURPHY. GOT ON HIS DAMN KNEE. And they called back “survivor’s move”. And there were *tears in his eyes*. And the entire thing had an “oh shit” undercurrent because he is making the worst life decisions and it basically turned into a pitch for stealing bodies and becoming Gods together, but it was also... so genuinely more than that. And Emori got that, as evidenced by the end of the episode, when she rejected his literal Let’s Be Immortal proposal but accepted & returned the declaration-of-undying-love part. Wow.

[HONORABLE MENTION: the season 3 deleted scene which I left out because it was unaired, and “your home is with me” because I didn’t want half the list to be S4.]

#the 100 #memori #dailymemori #emori #the 100 meta #john murphy #meta #long post

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ava-candide · 5 years

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T'aint right, t’aint fairas Prudie, the Poldarks’ housekeeper, would say. Poldark is nearing its end; let the Sunday-night-swoon audience rend its garments. It returns next month for a fifth series then that’s your lot: game over. No more shots broodily staring out to sea, no more dramatic galloping at full pelt across Cornish clifftops making me worry for that horse. But, at least, a rest for the poor overworked six-pack of Aidan Turner, whose performance as Ross Poldark has held thousands of middle-aged ladies in thrall.

And here I am sitting 2ft away from him in a tiny room at the British Film Institute in London, a man whose abdominal muscles are the most “celebrated”, by which I mean “leered over”, in Britain. “You’re a ‘hot property’, ” I tell him as if he somehow hasn’t noticed his own naked torso appearing incessantly in every newspaper and magazine since 2015. “Do you feel like a hot property?” He looks horrified. “No, I don’t,” he says, smiling through a bushy black beard. “I don’t think I’d want to know anyone who [called themselves] a hot property. That gives me the heebie-jeebies.” Good answer. Anyone who refers to themselves as a hot property is obviously a massive tool.

I assume the beard (the Daily Mail said it made him “unrecognisable”, but he is totally recognisable) is for a part in an “exciting” new project, which, he says, involves working with a director he admires but, alas, he can’t tell me what it is. “I’m so sorry, it’s boring; it sucks,” he apologises (he means having to be secretive, not the production, just to be clear).

So how does he feel to have pulled off Ross’s tricorn hat and ravished Demelza (Eleanor Tomlinson) in that small Nampara bed for the last time? Turner, 36, has spent about a third of his working life on Poldark. Does it feel the right time to drop the curtain? “It feels storywise that this is the right time. It just seemed the right time in every possible way. It has been an incredible journey for all of us . . . but it’s a long shoot. I think we’re all ready to do other things.” I say I hope he had a suitably tearful farewell with Seamus, Ross’s trusted black horse who has built up such a fan-base that he is known as “famous Seamus”. Turner became very close to him, sometimes having a nap on his back between scenes. He thinks they have a similar personality: “We’re both Irish.” So how was the big goodbye?

“It’s kinda sad,” Turner says. “I was gutted.” For a terrible moment I’m imagining a glue factory, but it turns out he never said farewell to the horse. “With everything else when the job was wrapping up I remember the last time I wore the boots and the last time I wore the tricorn hat and the jacket, and the last time I did a scene with Eleanor in the kitchen. And I really marked it because I wanted to remember it. With Seamus I thought I was going to see him again; but then a scene got pulled we were going to use him for . . . so I never got to say a proper goodbye. I was really gutted.” Seamus lives in York. Might he go and see him? “Maybe I will. I should drop Mark, the trainer, an email and pop down and say hello and take him for a run-out.” A reunion? There lies a payday for the paparazzi.

This is the first of the BBC series not adapted directly from the Winston Graham novels (first dramatised by the BBC in 1975 starring Robin Ellis). There was a gap of ten years in the books and Debbie Horsfield, who has written every episode of the five series, has bridged the gap between novels seven and eight using information gleaned from the later works, to keep the characters at their present ages. The Graham estate thinks she has a great affinity with the novels. It is a strong first episode, with new characters and suggests, shall we say, that Elizabeth’s death is affecting the mental health of George Warleggan (played splendidly by Jack Farthing) more than we realised. After our conversation there is a Q&A and a screening of the episode at the BFI, but Turner says he thinks he’ll duck that bit because he feels uncomfortable watching it with an audience. “I’m not very good at that. I find it a bit strange.” He is quite shy and endearingly modest for a man so lusted after. At one point some traffic noise erupts outside and he jumps up to close the window for the sake of my Dictaphone which, trust me, not every actor would do.

How boring has he found the enormous fuss and objectification over his six-pack, prompted by a famous scything scene? “I get asked a lot. It’s par for the course,” he says. “It certainly doesn’t irritate me; it’s not something I regret doing, so it’s not something I ever care to avoid talking about. I just don’t find it that interesting.”

Turner, who was born in a suburban town near Dublin and attended drama college there, probably first became well known to British TV audiences in Being Human, after which Peter Jackson cast him as a dwarf in The Hobbit. But it was Ross Poldark who has made him famous. He says he’ll most likely miss Ross —“I love him; he’s a flawed character; he’s real” — though it’s early days. Is there anything he won’t miss? He seems flummoxed for a moment. “It’s good that I have to struggle a bit for that actually,” he says. “There’s nothing I hated and despised on the show. I’m used to early mornings. I’d love to be able to give you a bit of gossip but there’s nothing . . . Maybe living in rented accommodation.”

There have been reports of rows between him and Eleanor Tomlinson on set, usually over protecting their own characters in the show. She has joked that they squabble like an old married couple. “I don’t think we fall out often and certainly nothing serious. If there was ever any tension between us it was purely to do with work because we care a lot,” he says. “These conversations came later, the last two or three years. As we became more invested we felt we had more to lose because the show was successful, but it was always very professional. Eleanor’s an intelligent girl, conscientious, polite and articulate, so it never got into any screaming matches or anything. I was always really interested in what she had to say.” He starts laughing. “And most of the time she was right.”

I wonder if he minds the level of fame that has come with Poldark. Recently the actor Richard Madden (Bodyguard) revealed that he deliberately wore the same clothes and carried the same cup of green juice every day in the same way so the paparazzi couldn’t get a different picture and would lose interest. Turner says he tried that, but the photographer waiting outside the theatre (he was performing in The Lieutenant of Inishmore, for which he got rave reviews and a Stage debut award ) told him he could change the colour of his T-shirt in a heartbeat. “And the next day he showed me! He changed my T-shirt to pink and the colour of my jeans.” But he doesn’t mind the attention from the public. “People are usually very nice and polite. I like to see the best in people.”

He rarely reads reviews or his own interviews, never uses social media and is guarded about his private life, namely his American girlfriend, Caitlin Fitzgerald, with whom he was pictured recently on a red carpet (they met on the set of a film they both starred in: The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then Bigfoot). He has also been photographed walking her dog, Charlie. When I mention Fitzgerald he raises both palms: “I can’t say anything about that,” he says, again apologetically. I imagine all those swooning fans would rather not hear about it anyway. For the record, he says he splits his time between London, Dublin and New York. Does he fancy big Hollywood films? “Wherever the work is,” he says.

He believes this fifth series is the most exciting yet and promises the issue of Valentine’s parentage will be a big story (the little boy who plays him and may be Ross’s secret son looks spookily like him, right down to the hairdo). “It’s a great story for George Warleggan; Jack is brilliant. He’s amazing, a real talent.” By the end will the audience be sad or happy, Aidan? “I don’t know,” he says cryptically. “Some people might be happy; some people might be delighted.”

But it might not be game over, actually. He does not completely rule out returning to it in ten years’ time when he is old enough to play the more mature, wrinklier Ross (Horsfield has said “never say never”). However, he says a lot of things would need to be in place. All the actors would need to be available, the Graham estate would have to agree, and most of all the audience would still need to want it, which is the most important point. Television moves on so fast these days. “It would be silly, though, to say that it’s completely off the table,” he says.

So was he emotional at the end as it all wound down? “That last day I think it was just myself and Eleanor in the bedroom at Nampara, which was lovely,” he says. “It felt like the right way to finish and probably the right place as well. Yeah, it was quite emotional.” They still had the work to finish, the call sheet to complete, but “it was lovely just to be with her”. Afterwards, when it was done, he says it was — and he searches for the right phrase — “a bit shocking. It just feels surreal because it’s over.” For him, yes, but not for us. Not quite yet.

#aidanpics

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themagiciansreccenter · 5 years

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Author Spotlight: @thursdayeuclid

Every week we interview a writer from The Magicians fandom. If you would like to be interviewed or you want to nominate a writer, get in touch via our ask box.

First things first, tell us a little about yourself.

I'm a thirty-something disabled bipolar queer trans guy who publishes original m/m romance novels when I can tear myself away from fandom long enough to do so. I'm pretty blind without my glasses. I usually have blue hair, a nose ring, and a man bun. As Thursday Euclid, I write lots of happily ever afters, and as prettyclever, I do pretty much the same thing, except with other people's characters that I'm just borrowing from a surfeit of affection.

How long have you been writing for?

My first stories were written when I was a very young child, but I didn't try a novel until I was nine. It didn't quite work out--I couldn't sustain the work to complete a work of that length, and I was writing long-hand---but I tried again at twelve and managed to finish about 50k words. I had a tumultuous adolescence but eventually found myself in Harry Potter fandom in the early aughts, and then I took a long break trying to be a professional. Turns out, I couldn't stay away from tragic magical boys.

What inspired you to start writing for The Magicians?

I was irritated with how season four was playing out. I overly identify with Eliot Waugh--he's who I want to be when I grow up; I'm 37 so I'm running way behind schedule--and his relationship with Quentin was *so* important to me. When Quentin got back together with Alice, I was like, "This is it. I've gotta write fic."

That was the beginning. A few thousand words came of it. Ever since the season four finale, though, I've done nothing but write oodles of Queliot fic with my cowriter and best friend clancynacht/charlotteschaos in my every free moment. I was already reading Magicians fic, but there just wasn't enough novel-length Queliot to suit me, so me and Char are remedying that in our own weird way.

Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write? What it is about them that makes them your favourite?

Eliot, because he is me in so many ways, and in all the ways he is not me, he is pure fabulosity and sex appeal. Kady, because she is just the baddest bitch. She delights me to no end. Penny 40, because his sass is killer, as is his tsundere ish, and I just really miss him. Char always writes Quentin and Margo when we collaborate because she's fantastic at channeling them, so I stick to my own faves.

Do you have a preference for a particular season/point in time to write about?

I didn't really start writing fic until s4, but (extrapolated) S5 has been my favorite thing to write. I've also loved the Mosaic fic we're writing based on 3x5 and 4x5. Most of what I read is totally AU, though.

Are you working on anything right now? Care to give us an idea about it?

We've now posted like 225,000 words of Queliot fic, still working on Sound & Color, and we're also working on another novel-length fic for Magicians Hallmark Holiday Exchange as I type this. Since it's all anon, I can't tell you much about our story except that we've already written 65,000 words of it, and the mutual pining is real, y'all. It's very festive, and Quentin is an adorable sad boi and Eliot is very soft and spook and also protective.

How long is your “to do list”?

Char literally made a Basecamp list of everything I should be doing outside of fic, but when it comes to fandom, it's really just MHHE and Sound & Color. We write together really rapidly. For example, when we wrote It's Never Over, we were done with over 100k in a month.

What is your favourite fic that you’ve written for The Magicians? Why?

Definitely It's Never Over. It's crackalicious and full of book canon references, and it's the Magicians Season 5 Queliot fans deserve. I'm so proud of how that one turned out. I've never written a story in fandom that people were so passionate about, either. It was published immediately after that heartbreaking finale, and people really responded to how we resurrected Quentin. Also all the smut, because there's so much smut in that story. Sex magic left and right.

Many writers have a fic that they are passionate about that doesn’t get the reception from the fandom that they hoped for. Do you have a fic you would like more people to read and appreciate?

I hoped Sound & Color would get more attention than it did. It's a long, weird (not quite complete yet) trip through 3x5 A Life in the Day. There's already a lot of Mosaic fic out there, and it's a crowded field, although I think Sound & Color stands apart for being so complete and slice-of-lifey. It's not just focused on the most dramatic moments, but on their entire lives together from beginning to end because I couldn't get enough of imagining it. It's a long, thorough exploration.

What is your writing process like? Do you have any traditions or superstitions that you like to stick to when you’re writing?

I like to listen to Radiohead when I write. It's inspiring and relaxing and keeps the words flowing. Also, Char often creates Spotify playlists for our stories, and I'll listen to those to set the mood as we write. Sometimes I listen to Kpop while writing too, because I only understand one word in fifty and it provides excellent background rhythm.

Because I collaborate with Char on just about everything, we used to write together in Google Docs before migrating our process over to OneDrive through Microsoft Word, which also lets us see each other's work in real time and edit each other's additions to the story. In a lot of ways, it's similar to roleplaying, which is why we can write 100k in a month without getting burned out. We've been working together like this for more than ten years now, so we've got it down.

Do you write while the seasons are airing or do you prefer to wait for hiatus? How does the ongoing development of the canon influence and inspire your writing process?

I prefer writing canon-compliant stories during hiatus and writing AUs while the seasons are airing. Historically, I tend to only read in a fandom until hiatus, and then I start writing. Coming from a book-based fandom (Harry Potter), Magicians feels very different dynamically and has different demands.

What has been the most challenging fic for you to write?

Definitely The Fake Dating One Where El's Parents Come to Visit, because it was different from what I'm used to writing. For one, it was short(ish) and two, Eliot's parents were drawn from my parents, who are also extremely religious, conservative, small town bigots. It cut closer to the bone in a lot of ways, but it was also different because Quentin ended up taking a more dominant, protective role, really exhibiting his innate bravery, and it was a little uncomfortable letting Eliot be rescued by Quentin just because I identify so much with El.

Are there any themes or tropes that you like particularly like to explore in your writing?

Idiots in love, mutual pining, fake dating, dicks & daddy issues, biphobia and bi erasure in queer culture, mental illness, family of choice, friends-to-lovers

Are there any writers that inspire your work? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Lev Grossman, JK Rowling, JRR Tolkien, George RR Martin, Stephen King, NK Jemisin, Owlet (her Infinite Coffee series is incredible if you like Stucky), and Olen Steinhauer.

What are you currently reading? Fanfiction or otherwise?

I just finished reading Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari, which I admit I read just because Chris Evans recommended it, and wow am I glad I did. Changed the way I look at the world.

Now I'm working my way through the Inheritance Trilogy by NK Jemisin, the Raven Tower by Ann Leckie, the Fever King by Victoria Lee, and All the Old Knives by Olen Steinhauer.

What is the most valuable piece of writing advice you’ve ever been given?

Practice makes perfect. If you don't give it your best every day and work on it even when you don't feel as inspired, you'll never develop the muscles it requires to perfect your craft.

Are there any words or phrases you worry about over using in your work?

My characters murmur way too much. Also honestly, just, like.

What was the first fanfic that you wrote? Do you still have access to it?

It was called "Isildur's Bane" and it was a really insanely nerdy LOTR fic about Isildur and the One Ring. It was gen, and it had none of the characters/pairings people actually wanted to read about, but I was damn proud of it. I have no idea what happened to it. It's been almost twenty years.

Rapidfire Round!

Self-edit or Beta?

For fic, Char and I edit each other as we go. I'd love to have an actual beta, but I do not have one.

Comments or Kudos/Reblogs or Likes?

Comments feed my soul. They used to give me anxiety, but now they are my everything.

Smut, Fluff or Angst?

angst with a happy ending

Quick & Dirty or Slow Burn?

slow burn, to read and to write

Favourite Season?

Season Three

Favourite Episode?

All That Hard, Glossy Armor

Favourite Book?

The Magician’s Land

Three favourite words?

herculean, susurrus, callipygian

Want to be interviewed for our author spotlight? Get in touch here.

#the magicians rec center #author spotlight #author spotlight: thursdayeuclid

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sieben9 · 5 years

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“the black fairy” impressions

{Quick request to anyone reading: I’m watching OUaT for the first time, and I want to avoid spoilers. So, if you want to discuss something spoilery, I’d be grateful if you could start a new post for that. Thank you!}

Wow, you really weren't kidding about this being one hell of a ride. ::pokes shattered remains of my heart:: Good thing I don't need that one, huh?

All joking aside, I loved this episode so much. I mean, yes, I do have some issues with specific bits, but overall it was 40 minutes of a good script, performed wonderfully, especially by Robert Carlyle, who should be legally forbidden to ever cry on screen again. (I am kidding, he is fantastic.)

More under the cut. It's mostly gushing, to be honest. Except about Blue. Screw Blue. Also, screw the Black Fairy, but that's nothing new.

Alright, before I get into the whole Rumple-related bit of the episode (which is also most of the episode, obviously), I just wanted to mention the amazing snark-off/witch-off in front of Granny’s with its tonally very appropriate ending.

can I call it the zucchini-mobile?

It was perfect. I loved it. Regina being about 90% unimpressed with the Black Fairy's trash talk and being just about ready to tear her apart in the middle of the road? Perfect.

And yes, Zelena's timely intervention via dubious looking car was hilarious and I laughed out loud. This whole scene was good

In fact, the whole subplot was surprisingly funny, considering what went on. But the somewhat dark humour of the characters' lines and the excellent delivery by all actors really made it work. Special mention goes to the "put on your Mayor Pants"--"excuse me?" exchange, because, just... excellent comedic timing. Well done, that.

And another honourable mention goes to Snow’s very belated realisation that yes, you should all have safewords! Like… someone gets impersonated roughly every other week, and now is when you figure that out? I mean, better late than never, but damn, this was pretty late, guys. Did none of you read Harry Potter even once?

Honestly, I despair of you human disasters, sometimes.

Over in the flashback:

too tiny! this is too tiny a person for me to deal with!

What do you mean “he’s the Saviour”??

Or “a” Saviour, as the title is clearly not unique or even exclusive at any single point in time. Still, that was one hell of a wham line. I so want the conversation where he and Emma talk about the fact that he basically “made” his successor/replacement. I know I’m not getting it (with about 98% certainty), but I can dream, right?

speaking of which…

And one of the reasons I want the conversation is that this episode reminded me how much I loved Emma’s and Rumple’s interactions back in the early seasons. These two are so similar, yet so different in a few crucial aspects that make them clash in the most interesting ways. It’s fantastic. Rumple going “nope, I just brought you because I didn’t want to do this alone and didn’t want to risk Belle I don’t want you starting shit in the waking world”, and Emma bantering with him, because well, she’s here anyway, so why not go along with it. Or Emma pushing him to confront his fear and deep-seated hurt about being abandoned by his mother. The “we are bad at being vulnerable” line, and the fact that she never once judged him for being afraid of his past, but showed understanding and compassion and, ugh, damnit, why can’t this be the show every week?

Just an aside: I don’t have a clear enough recollection of all the prior episodes, but I think this might be only the second time the flashback is actually integrated directly into the episode. As in, something the characters experience themselves. And I’m hesitant to count the first, because that wasn’t a flashback, that was time travel. (Meaning the 3B finale)

Anyway, it was a neat little touch, and I liked it a lot, even if the actual content hurt my heart.

Like this:

I just keep thinking that this is the first time he’s met his son on actually equal terms. No lies, no mistrust, no missing heart to force them apart… and it was beautiful and perfect and I loved it, but it was also sad, because the whole situation is incredibly fucked up. Even if the Black Fairy didn’t have his heart, there’s the matter of the 28 years she stole from Gideon and his parents. Like Belle said, they’re not getting those back, and just… ugh. Pain. Lots of.

And that is why I still don't find Fiona sympathetic. Not as she is currently, because... yeah, she might have had the best intentions, but the road to hell and all that. She kidnaps children to enslave and torture them. That's just on its own level of evil, right next to Pan, which... damn, Rumple, do you need another hug?

I feel like there should be more hugging

Like I said: she’s only more sympathetic than Pan in that she at least had selfless intentions to start with, even if they brought her to the place where she is now. With Blue’s help.

Yeah, let’s talk about that.

Because from where I’m standing, the story goes like this: to a happy young couple, a child with a great destiny is born. Two fairies visit the couple, to declare that they will watch over this child, because of his great destiny. In the process, though, they reveal that part of the child’s destiny is to die in battle against a great evil and then… basically leave her alone with that. No consolation, no offer to help her deal with the horrible truth, just “oops, I shouldn’t have said that” without further acknowledgment of responsibility. I’m willing to let Red at least partially off the hook, because she had her hands full with damage control, and didn’t realise how far Fiona had gone in her quest to save her son’s life (which makes me think that she hasn’t worked with many parents before, but nevermind that.) And in the end, the mother does find a way: sever her child’s fate, so he will never have to face the evil that she has become. It’s a flawed solution, but it works.

Which is when Blue pushes her through the portal, and then drops the child like a hot potato. In fact, she doesn’t even leave Red behind to watch over the little guy, who is now in the care of a father who professed to hate him right in front of their noses. Like… they were in the room. There’s no way they didn’t realise what that would mean.

Great fairy-godmothering, right there. And weird how Blue dropped this completely innocent child like a hot potato the moment he was no longer the Saviour (read: "useful to her").

I mean... damn. We're absolutely sure she isn't evil?

And all that doesn’t even go to the way Blue interacted with Rumple afterwards. I would love to go there, but at the same time I doubt this was meant to be part of their history until maybe ten episodes ago, so it feels a little nitpicky. Blue is just not a very good person. Or even a good fairy, if you ask me.

By the way, after seeing all that, doing all that soul searching, after being so painfully reminded of what the Black Fairy did to his son…

…I’m supposed to believe that Rumple would work with her? Yeah, get out, show, nobody buys that. He either already has a specific plan for stabbing her in the back or he’s hanging around until he gets an opportunity. I mean… that whole speech sounded suspicious as hell and I cannot believe neither Belle nor Gideon noticed that, but I’d like to believe that my reading of “I have a plan, please trust me, even if it looks really bad for a while” is the correct one.

The only thing that worries me: if I find this ploy painfully transparent, you would assume the Black Fairy might catch on to it, as well. Yes, the villain gets to hold the idiot ball on occasion, but if she doesn’t… well, let’s say I really hope that was Gideon’s actual heart Rumple gave back to him. He’s pulled that trick himself before, I hope it stays a one-off.

scheming seems to run in the family…

So. I gather next episode is the wedding? Or at least an attempt at a wedding. I’d be extremely suspicious if this goes off without a hitch (no pun intended) because that is not how Drama works. If you want a quiet wedding, have it after the finale. If you want an awesome wedding, have it during. “Before” is just asking for trouble. Look at Snowing!

#ouat #once upon a time #the black fairy #sieben watches ouat #sieben talks #anti cs #jokingly but hey #if that's not your cup of tea then be aware

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