#definable: i want to make it so that nobody has the ability to lie -- it's radical honesty all the time

[kariachi]

Okay, I can’t promise that this will be a proper essay because words but let’s give this a shot-

The treatment of whers in the series is reflective of Anne’s own ableism.

Details! The defining traits of whers are as such-

A “stunted” equivalent to the dragons

Photophobic

Rough-skinned

Don’t bond as readily to humans as dragons

The first two are the relevant ones here, because they’re the ones that get brought up over, and over, and over again. They’re ‘uglies’, ‘wretched’, ‘stunted’, and photophobic.

And the immediate response when they hatched was that they should be killed.

“But Achi-!” The recommendation when they hatched was specifically stated to not be to find a place where they could be comfortably kept, and then later fuckers had to be talked into not having them killed as soon as Wind Blossom‘s control of the situation was removed. If you think Pol and Bay’s suggestion wasn’t to euthanize those hatchlings you’re kidding yourself.

And just, let’s take a moment to talk about how fucking stupid of an idea that would’ve been. Because it would have been monumentally stupid. Even setting aside that you have no idea what future use you could put them to (because gods know these people can’t take five minutes to consider that), they could be a vital aid in figuring how the dragons work genetically by looking at the differences between them! “Wind Blossom was egotistical wanting to keep the whers and make more dragons” Wind Blossom was the only one with a brain in her skull! Nobody could figure out Kitti’s handiwork, not entirely, and having the whers available allows for a different angle to look at and compare information from! They provide a portal into a better understanding of the dragonkin by looking at where the differences lie and being able to go “okay, these correlate to this”, which is invaluable when it comes to genetics! And keeping them alive allows for you to study the differences in growth patterns as well for an even deeper understanding. People refer to the whers as a cousin to dragons, but they aren’t, they’re a sister species, and damnit that’s valuable!

Okay, okay, I’m chill...

Why does this reflect Anne’s own ableism?

There’s plenty of reason, after all, for the colonists to be disappointed to get the whers. They don’t bond as readily and so at first probably appeared not to bond at all. Their proportions are wrong for flight. But those aren’t what people bring up about them, are they?

Sean’s not calling them Wind Blossom’s ‘loners’ after all.

One could get away with calling attention to their photophobia, since it would mean they can’t safely flame, but the fact that even by the time of Wind Blossom’s second clutch that’s the primary way of referring to them? Does not sit right coming from a writer who has dragons suiciding if they lose the ability to fly, and who partly wrote Dragon’s Kin. In the context of the first wher clutch that’s a visual disability, it’s literally caused by improperly formed eyes, and it’s at best rude to treat beings’ disabilities as their defining trait. Especially when they’re being referred to as such by people who actually shudder to think about them (hello Dr Bay, I see you).

Which brings us back around to their appearance. The thing that always seems to be the big topic, especially when they’re being compared to dragons, which is pretty much all the damn time. Wher proportions are different from dragon proportions, they’re smaller, stockier, longer proportionally according to my math, seem to be more rugged and angular in appearance, and are constantly referred to as ugly.

By pretty much everyone.

All the time.

And this is treated as one of if not the thing that makes them lesser than dragons, and therefor deserving of being mistreated, derided, nobody loves them, nobody cares, how dare you think a wher would be worth any effort or matter. They’re smaller and ‘ugly’ and can’t fly and so they’re treated as if they’re nothing.

Now, before we go any further, I need to explain why this is absolute bullshit.

‘Ugly’ has not stopped people as a whole from latching onto sweet babies once in all of history- and we know they’re sweet babies because we meet Kisk. They’re incredibly useful, can be kept in groups, very affectionate, fucking dragons that you can keep in your shed (every child’s dream), there is no way in hell that they would realistically be disdained to the degree they are in canon. ‘Ugly’ is subjective anyway, and can be overridden by the human pack bonding instinct. Fuck, there’s enough people who find ‘ugly’ dogs charming that there’s a whole annual competition to find the ugliest one and they have a fucking crowd cheering and fawning over them every year. Ugly can make things harder, but the near universal idea that the whers, who shouldn’t even be considered ugly after a few hundred years anymore than we treat a goat as an ugly sheep, are lesser creatures who don’t really matter in large part because of their appearance? Should not be so pervasive. It shouldn’t be extolled by even our heroes.

But then, whers aren’t judged on their own merits. They’re judged as dragons, ‘stunted’, ‘malformed’ dragons.

And here’s where we get into the treatment of whers as a reflection of ableism.

There is a pervasive belief out there that there is a ‘normal’ type of body, and that if your body does not reflect this then that means you are ugly, and bad, and lesser. This belief is behind a lot of fatphobia, the portrayal of people with disfigurements as villains in media, it plays into racism, and a shitload of ableism. It says that one’s body isn’t right, and that because of this they are inherently Other. No matter if you’re perfectly healthy or not, if you’re happy or not, good or not.

Let’s look at the whers again, shall we? They’re smaller than dragons, stockier, not the same proportions, more rugged and rough.

Sean can only describe them as ‘uglies’. Bay calls them ‘wretched’ and shudders in revulsion at the thought of them. They were by all accounts healthy at hatching and yet the immediate response by the experts present was that they should be killed. To want them alive is to invite disgust. When their sole defender is removed, their salvation comes in being able to make themselves useful to those that hate them, and even then they’re quickly cast aside. Derided and abused over and over and all while being treated as lesser than their ‘noble’, ‘beautiful’ siblings.

Their siblings who came out ‘right’.

“But Achi, Anne surely didn’t mean them as a reflection of the disabled!” I’m sure she didn’t, any more than every person who pits a disabled villain against able-bodied heroes means to send a message, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t reflect biases she may not have even realized she carried.

“But Achi, Anne had proper disabled characters who weren’t villains!” Yes, and how important were they? How important were their disabilities? We get a load of disabled characters in Dragonsdawn, not that you’ll remember that by the end of the story because it’s brought up maybe twice each and never has any sort’ve effect. We had a Master whose disability was mentioned but neither were ever of real focus. Multiple times we get openings for major characters to exhibit disabilities and they always miraculously have no ill effects. F’nor and Canth are disfigured and never again act as major characters. Camo’s father is encouraged to forget they’re related due to his disability. Nuella gets to be a major character, but her whole story feels like inspiration porn, like the McCaffreys wanted to prove they weren’t ableist despite being ableist. And that’s all ignoring that statement in Dragonsinger that dragons who can’t fly (aka: become disabled) commit suicide, which is one of those big fucking ableism red flags.

And whether they were meant to or not, the whers act as a nice little reflection of all this. Why do the people of Pern hold so little regard for whers? Because whers are, as a species, on level with disabled dragons, and the disabled hold little regard with our writers, same as queer people.

#achi rambles #pern analysis #there i said it dragons' kin is to pern what catfight was to ben 10 #''what? we aren't ableist/misonynists! here let us prove it! *produces some ableist/sisogynistic shit*''

[galaxyspark-6e16]

the rest of the season

. . Ep3

Lmk baiting us into tang is great monk

And yeah mk and mei are adhd incarcerated

And that line from season 3 came back ahhhh

Omg did that moving on scene make me cry?

Ep 4

That opening scene with the crocodile was gold haha

Omg the odacity mk

Mk parenting the bunch

Tang you summoned the golden cicada follow it your powers are working

I thought why mk woul use his transformation abilities but turn out he forgot ha

Huh i guess tang being a freeloader has a purpose. Nah I'm kidding our boy love is pig man the greatess chef in his time and tang showing him the chef code would of course rewaken his memories, and did I spot a tiny mk?

And of course pigsy main concern is that he was to cook tang badly and aww they love each other

And damn using food to beat the demons pigsy

And what was that with the vision?

Ep 5

You can't deny it pigsy you're a legend

Mk confirming pigsy his dad AAAHHHHH

PIGSY DON'T DENY IT

Aww seriously when is sandy going to have his moment man

NNOOO MEI'S SWORD

Omg Sandy past backstory?

Pff yeah tang nobody want pregnant this economy

I'm no familiar with the white tiger but can't wait see later

Huh ao lie huh seems at first glance a gentle soul my only reference to him is in osp jttw videos

Chang'e?

Yep

Ohh lbs yep better skiddadle tang 

Damn mei your ancestor is dope

Whoa I forget mo is in the scroll too

And what's this about striking wukong first?

Also I knew azure wasn't so innocent

But macaque you're not thinking of it right?! Right!?

Never judge a dragon by it apparence you be know how their mortal form act

I would die for ao lie

FINALLY MK was wondering where you were this whole time

MMHhHh

Ep6

" Show me the monster" a title that s not gonna make fear for my life

I thought sandy past life was his re carnation not ancestor?

Holy he way different from our sandy

Ohhh my good are we gonna learn mk lore?!!!

Ohh demon showdown

So ait you're teling me there a fondamental read mk is the Monkie kid

Ok at the metion of his parents and childhood he can't remember or doesn't have one

A rock, like mk covers in dirt that found pigsy and give a home? What is happening?

Ok it seem a god (quan yin) is carving maybe wooden animals and giving life to one

Aww I bet the master only get arrogant and hotheaded student that is strict and helps mk because he said please aww

Mk can't handle celestial transportation

I really really want to know how pigsy and sandy met cause their friendship means everything to him

Kinda sad that in the past what defines you is what you are and because of that sandy couldn't be free until mo came along 

And I true man andy has always been there for the others so it's seems faire that they be there for him

Leave it to mk to misunderstand everything ha

He was not born from the stone but he has a destiny

Mk. Monkey kid yeah we kinda knew but still a shock

Mk RUN

 Ep 7 pitiful creatures

Ahh man I feel it's gonna be angst

Shadow mk?

This confrontation feels like mk inner conflict with everything that he went through and everything he discovered and it painful to watch

The fights scene man

Omg WUNKONG about time protect mk

Monkey king you're not helping just calm him

Omg the gang is here

Ohh the past reaching out to wukong through the current heroes is just to poetically beautiful

Prove it wrong by destroying it preset destiny mk

But seriously is mk a stone monkey a divine creature 

GASP wukong I still in the scroll!!

Ep 8 the most intense ep of the season

Honestly I can see why azure lion is getting love, he has a reason, a goal to achieve whether getting his brothers back and making amends with wukong or fighting for a better world Wich make it seem the same goal as lady bone demon but less genocide and more regicide

And oh boy mk pulled a mei s3 I hope he can understand that it's not his fault that any of it happened

Srsly red son can never catch a break

Everyone loves sandy

I think mei needs patience to unlock her dragon did maybe

And omg macaque finally where were you this whole time

Ahh the pessimistic trying to be optimistic for once never gets old

Everyone is fight ehile mk is playing a indie game of macaque

WAiT DID THEY ACTUALLY KILL THE EMPEROR?!

SON! SON?

So what they gonna find a way to free him?

WAIT It END LIKE THIS! ? WHAT

#s5 or speacials idc i need it #lmk spoilers #lego monkie kid #my thoughts

[sbrn10]

On my extremely low expectations and how SG continues to somehow limbo under them: A Saga

First of all, I am prefacing this with: I finally watched 5x11 actually, and it was like, fine? It was one of the better episodes of the season, honestly, minus the William stuff. And the William stuff is incredibly hamfisted and out-of-nowhere to the point that it almost feels like it has to be a red herring because it’s just so bad. But, I mean, history is not kind to us on this point, so who knows. BUT ANYWAY, to be clear, I am saying: maybe William doesn’t actually happen and this is an overreaction. MAYBE. Like, probably not, but there’s still a chance, so I am acknowledging it.

Second, this is a rant. Sorry. It’s also really long. I didn’t realize it was going to get this long.

On to the actual post I was going to make.

So I've said this before to various people but I came into SG in early-ish s4 (November 2018). I had somehow successfully avoided the show despite knowing that it was the big new femslash thing for two years and my last big media fandom had been Once Upon a Time (which hahahahahahaha fml), so, a while ago.

Anyhow, at that point after catching up to S3 my genuine reaction was that supercorp probably isn’t queerbaiting. (Definition: Intentionally “baiting” fans with a potentially queer relationship while having no intention of making it actually queer in order to capitalize on queer interest in bad faith. Keywords are intentionally, not queer, and bad faith. Depicting queer relationships badly, not queerbaiting. Being forced to keep things subtextual because of outside pressures, not queerbaiting. Completely unintentionally depicting a queer relationship, not queerbaiting, just oblivious as all fuck.)

S2 seemed to be a genuine mistake--they are all so aggressively heterosexual that they created these scenes without a shred of intentionality and seemed genuinely surprised when queer fandom reacted to supercorp. "Wait, wait, we had a canon gay couple RIGHT THERE. Alex had a whole coming out thing! WE LOVE THE GAYS, but Kara and Lena are straight? Y’all are weird," seemed to be the general vibe of their reactions. Admittedly, in retrospect, I understand if you don’t believe them, as an office overflowing with flowers tends to have certain connotations, but honestly, in my experience, sometimes people are just really, really straight. Harold, they’re lesbians! is a whole thing because queerness can be literally and flagrantly staring them in the face and they don’t see it until they’re told. Some people just be like that. Okay, let’s operate on that benefit of the doubt.

Then S3 was an entire season of aggressively no homo-ing--between the continuation of the Mon-El story for Kara, Lena/James becoming a thing, and the weird (as in OOC for Kara, honestly) kryptonite rift story, it was the OPPOSITE of queerbaiting. They were saying very loudly that it’s not queer--chemistry notwithstanding. Were they probably happy to keep supercorp fandom around, sure, but they weren’t noticeably courting it other than, like, Katie and Melissa just existing.

(Side note: P5 told me once that I had missed like valentine's promotions and stuff that seemed to lean into sc more intentionally but I tend not to count the twitter/instagram stuff as honestly that’s probably interns.)

(Side side note: I am not commenting on whether this kind of obliviousness or no homo-ing is homophobic or not; that’s a separate discussion and one I don’t have the energy for now. BUT at the very least it’s not actively malicious, is the thing.)

So that was where I was starting, like, as a baseline. Yeah, this show’s creators are oblivious, yeah, this isn’t going to be canon, but I enjoy these people’s faces when they’re on screen together and I can fill in the blanks, it’s fine!

And then 4b and the between season promotions (”fight for Lena’s soul!” “half the fandom says they should kiss!”) and 5a all happened and like... like... y’all... either this was going to be a huge about-face and supercorp was actually going to happen or this had turned into the most blatant queerbaiting since Rizzoli and Isles. (To be honest, I have mentally blocked out most of what actually happened in canon OUAT and remember almost nothing of it, but also maybe that.) S2-3, at least someone in that writer’s room can say with a straight face, “Well, we didn’t mean for it to be read romantically but if that’s what you get out of it, god be with you.” Once you start doing shit like throwing in fucking Romeo and Juliet imagery, you lose the right to say “we didn’t mean for it to be read romantically” ever fucking again.

(Because images and tropes have history and context, and if you want to write a scene about two platonic-ass friends staring yearningly at each other, choose a setting OTHER than a balcony, and if you really wanted a balcony for it, I’m sorry, but tough shit, get over it. Obviously, this is only one example, but it’s the lowest hanging fruit--these people are fucking professional writers (albeit not terribly good ones); they know or should have known what they are doing. It is often said that one shouldn’t attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity, but it is, in my opinion, actually impossible for a group of 10+ people to be THAT stupid.)

So, at this point, I’m still thinking, okay, so wait, even if it’s queerbaiting, it’s still not going to be canon, because this is CW Supergirl, but I mean. Maybe they just end the series with both of them single? Wrap it in “women don’t need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled!” feminism, call it a Boston marriage, and be done with it.

AND THEN. AND. THEN. William gets recalled from the “did this character actually exist?” no-man’s-land they had banished him to for half a season (well, okay, that’s not QUITE fair as Crisis makes it feel longer than it was in the number of episodes) to flirt awkwardly with Kara over a sandwich and I almost punch a hole in my laptop screen.

The series isn’t over, I guess, so there’s room for this still not to turn out to be incredibly insulting queerbaiting? (I mean, if nothing else, William and Kara potentially NOT happening would demonstrate that nobody in that writer’s room knows what romantic tropes look like at all so actually perhaps exonerate them in relation to the stupidity-or-malice argument.)

But... look, I already had low expectations, and now I have, like, none.

tl;dr:

Genuinely, the infuriating thing is that I WAS FINE WITH THEM NOT BEING CANON. (I mean, in some ways, that seemed preferable since all the canon relationships they tried to write were... not written well.) All they had to do was not be complete DICKHATS about it. But they had to go and be FUCKING DICKHATS about it! You know?

#also i would like to note that this entire rant is entirely separate from the huge problem i have with the whole non nocere/luthors arc #which is driving me fucking INSANE #5a was fine in terms of lena and kara's relationship being extremely unstable -- that's fine this is not a shipper thing #what i mind is that non nocere makes no flipping bleeding sense and i am over here bashing my head into the wall every time lena says q wave #i don't care if she's morally grey i care that non nocere is fucking stupid and not even lena should be that self-delusional #everything else lena has done has been at least definable and at least arguably beneficial in some manner #harun-el and the ability to make humans super (which btw is like a dead and gone concept i guess): problematic but achievable #and at least debatable on whether it would be a net benefit or not #non nocere: fucking nonsense indefinable bullshit because 'harm' is not a definable concept #definable: i want to mind control everyone so nobody hurts me again #definable: i want to make it so that nobody has the ability to lie -- it's radical honesty all the time #definable: i want to create a virtual world so i never have to interact with human beings again #non nocere: I AM GOING TO FUCKING SCREAM #i'm sorry i have a lot of feelings i just hate what they've done with her character so fucking much and i really should just write my #'lena fucked off to metropolis for 5 years because that is canonically what lena does when faced with personal feelings' fic instead of this #but here we are and i spent all morning writing this instead of working #i take small solace in that my employer is footing the bill for my self-administered therapy #also NO I WILL NOT STOP WATCHING THE SHOW IF IT BOTHERS ME THAT MUCH YOU THINK I CHOSE SUPERGIRL AS AN OBSESSION IT FUCKING CHOSE ME #musings #supergirl musings

[the-official-account]

An aromantic assessment of Ed and Izzy's path to recovery

A conversation between myself and @anonomouslyabanana regarding Trauma recovery from a systemic perspective, ongoing fandom wide conversations about genre and a general lovepunk vibe.

Pre reading (these are good posts)

Izzy is in the wrong genre post

The tragedy of Izzy's genre distinction

Adapted from a discord Convo. Click to continue.

@the-official-account : Systemically, what they said in the endish of the post about ed processing what parts of himself he wants to keep and leave behind like hits home. Especially because like.....it's worth noting in ofmd's median genre that ed can't fully give up blackbeard and have his safety guaranteed.

@anonomouslyabanana : Oh 100% my favorite thing in fix it’s is Stede going like “i love you including Blackbeard” etc bc even if we’re not thinking abt that, there’s something very important to me about him acknowledging the “monstrousness” instead of saying it doesn’t matter

@the-official-account : Yes!

@the-official-account : still a setting full of colonialism and homophobia. and personally I think it'd be most satisfying if the story acknowledged that, and acknowledged that the safe space in the story is not the world, but the efforts queer people make for each other and has some fun with the idea that a bit of a mean/scary reputation can help with that.

@anonomouslyabanana : YES!! And I think for me it’s also just wanting a world that they create for each other to be one where queer poc don’t have to be innocent (or only the innocent parts of themselves) to be loved in full

@the-official-account : I also have strong moral beliefs that like...in many situations morality isn't possible. If two people are locked in a room and there's only enough food to keep one alive there isn't a moral good choice. in trauma-inducing situations there are rarely moral good choices. Like, Blackbeard isn't innocent but I'd like to see Ed look inside himself and accept (not necessarily forgive) how blackbeard hurt people, and also how he's helped people (Izzy, for one. He kept Izzy safe. They've been friends for so long. god, Izzy's gotta be mourning him) and how Blackbeard's hurt and and helped Ed too.

@the-official-account : don't think defensive alters or, yk, mindsets have to be discarded through processing trauma at all, because trauma might keep happening and the world isn't perfect. but they can be accepted like facts can be accepted and healed too. like I wanna see blackbeard (alter) get to be himself (grumpy and distrustful) sometimes but in a way that's healthily communicated and doesn't catastrophize or lash out.

@the-official-account : especially because I think Ed taking on that perspective of "What i did to protect myself happened. and there may not have been eintirely valid reasons but there were reasons. And everybody fucks up. and I can regret it but eventually i gotta be happy again. and i'm safe right now" is literally the only way he can bring Izzy closer to him in the end. Because, like...Not gonna lie what ed did to izzy is really uncool from izzy's perspective. And izzy has some damn good reasons to be afraid for ed and himself. But I think to see ed not like...accept stede's "genre" in full and leave a part of himself behind (his experience is valid! why would he want to give it up? that makes me sad.) especially because stede's innocence and free flowing life stems directly from his priviledge and money and ability at the beginning of the show to ignore the bad part of the world...

@the-official-account : Like I don't think ed and izzy are good for eachother in a healthy world like they were for eachother in their strained one. But they're still good for eachother. They still spent years together and they still get it in a way nobody else is really gonna get it. I think Ed needs izzy to fully finish his arc and izzy definately needs ed. But i think the show acknowledging that Stede's decent into a grittier genre is an affect of him discovering his queerness as a white upperclass man and struggling to find a place that way, but that he still didn't and wont ever have the same fight as some of the qpoc, for whom the solidatiry of queerness saved them from a lot of the white social structures that POC can internalize regardless of their sexuality due to white imperialism.

STEDE IS WHITE. and I need the writers and the fandom to like... feel that.

@anonomouslyabanana : this!

@the-official-account : i wanna see them get to a point where ed is like "Stede, i love you man, i want you in my life forever, but tonight i am going out with the boys (including izzy[1]...and jim. Ed and jim NEED to be friends those two make me wanna cry/pos) and we're gonna gripe in some pub about how white people suck and stede will be like "understandable have fun how long should I wait before i take some people to look for you?

@anonomouslyabanana : I also think like,, Izzy and Edward could only exist as Homoerotic Besties in the world that was available to them, and now that there’s a new kind of safety, they’re stuck in limbo bc that dynamic is too well established to translate well, and part of Izzy’s arc needs to be letting go of that while forming a healthier friendship (that can still be based on years of closeness/reliance)

[1] Note. I straight up did not notice that Con O'Neill was white when I wrote this, but he is. I'm currently reconsidering how that plays into my thoughts on their relationship but I thought I'd post this barely edited to be more screen reader friendly. Keep that in mind, though. Whoops?

#so maybe this was mostly me ranting and essa being very kind amd gracious but still #also point at laugh at the fool tho thought o'niell was melinated #i know i know #still i hope you enjoyed the meta #i wonder if the folk from thw server will let me post the hypothetical lesbians convo because i care about these #fictional gay women SO MUCH your honor #edil chats #mango tag #essa tag #our flag means death #ofmd

[astrowitch]

The Marauders Era Astrology

So, I’ve been contemplating the astrology of the characters in the Marauders era a lot recently. For the characters with canon birthdays, I have chosen a majority of their canon sun signs, but some I switched around because I thought they fit better. This is solely just my opinion. I will be giving the characters their big 3 signs (Sun, moon, rising) and my short reasonings for them.

Sirius Black

Sun:  Scorpio - Sirius has a passionate and magnetic personality. He has a lot of complex emotions that he doesn’t really know how to maneuver sometimes. At his core, Sirius is deeply loyal, and if you mess with the people he cares about, watch out. You don’t want to mess with a Scorpio or their loved ones.

Moon: Sagittarius - Sirius craves freedom the most in his life. After being stifled so long by his abusive family, he wants to rebel and have fun. Since your moon sign reveals your deepest desires, Sagittarius would seem the most obvious choice for our joyful and feisty Sirius. 

Rising:  Aries - James Potter’s sun sign would seem perfect for Sirius Black’s rising sign. People immediately grouped Sirius in with James, saying that they were like brothers. Sirius comes across as boisterous and loud, even childish to some. His playful nature when you first meet him perfectly reflects the first sign in the zodiac.

Remus Lupin

Sun: Pisces - Remus Lupin is a sensitive and gentle soul. His kindness and compassion are some of his most defining characteristics. Even though he does so much for others, he has trouble giving the same energy back to himself. He tends to get stuck in his own head, doubting himself and his abilities. Under his intuition and love is a man who hurts deeply, but who also cares deeply. 

Moon: Virgo - Another defining characteristic of Remus Lupin is his hardworking nature. Remus completes everything he does with precision, practicality, and sharp wit. There’s a reason he is considered “The Brains” of the Marauders. He can do anything he puts his mind to, and he excels at making plans. 

Rising: Libra - Remus comes across as very fair-minded and reasonable to anyone that first meets him. Add a touch of eccentricity to the mix of Libra’s harmonious nature, and you’ve got Remus Lupin.

James Potter

Sun: Aries - Bold, entertaining, and brave, James Potter perfectly encapsulates the nature of the sign Aries. Although he can be brash and childish, James is ultimately a fierce friend and someone you’d definitely want on your side. He’s someone who can always lighten the mood and bring upon a good laugh. 

Moon: Leo - James is idealistic and sociable by nature, and he can talk to just about anybody. His confidence gives him the perfect qualities to be an amazing leader. His downfalls come when he lets this confidence get to his head, and he can become arrogant and showy. Unlike some of his other friends though, he doesn’t let his downfalls consume him. He can bounce back easily and be ready to be an excellent support system.

Rising: Leo - James comes across to a lot of people as cocky and the guy who just wants to be the center of attention. Not only this, but people see a lot of Leo’s positive traits in him as well, like his unwavering loyalty and bravery. When people see James Potter, they see him as a self-assured and motivating leader.

Peter Pettigrew

Sun: Gemini - The seemingly obvious choice for Peter Pettigrew’s sun sign. He is a man troubled with where his loyalties truly lie. On one hand, he is the mischievous and lovable guy that his friends know as Wormtail. On the other hand, he is a man with such low self-esteem, that he feels like his friends don’t care about him, causing him to betray them. Some of his traits that are continuous are his curiosity and communicative nature.

Moon: Libra - Peter’s true emotions seem to be ones of indecision. He doesn’t truly know where he belongs or where his loyalties are supposed to lie. Nobody really knows his true intentions, and he seems to have a lot of complicated thoughts and traits. His harmonious nature goes too far to the point where he can’t tolerate any form of conflict, and is willing to save himself from it by any means necessary.

Rising: Cancer - Peter comes across as a sweet and caring guy who is able to understand anyone. People would assume that he’s the “Crybaby” or weak one of The Marauders, but underneath that seemingly innocent persona is someone who is capable of so much more than he and others think.

Lily Evans

Sun: Cancer - Although it is not her canon sign, I see Lily more as a Cancer than I do an Aquarius. Lily is exceedingly empathetic and kind, and she will listen to anybody who seems to be in need. She is open-minded and believes that everyone deserves a bit of love in their life. Lily’s deep love transcends into deep loyalty, and she’ll do anything to protect and defend the ones that she cares about.  

Moon: Taurus - With Lily’s great love comes a deep stubbornness and resilience. Lily is methodical and strategic, and she uses her brains to help solve problems. Lily also isn’t afraid to stand up to people and give them a piece of her mind. When Lily believes in something, she fights for it with a passion beyond no other and will never back down. 

Rising: Pisces - Lily comes across as whimsical and almost ethereal to those who meet her. She wears her heart on her sleeve and can pull people in just by the gentle and understanding look in her eyes. She has a comforting presence, and people can feel safe around her almost immediately. 

- Let me know if you guys would like to see more characters :) - 

#harry potter #the marauders #marauders era #sirius black #remus lupin #james potter #peter pettigrew #lily evans #moony wormtail padfoot and prongs #mwpp #hogwarts #wolfstar #jily #astrology #character analysis #character analysis through astrology

[kadhis-stuff]

You can’t keep a secret forever

Summary: How is a woman supposed to tell her husband, who has been married to her for almost 7 years now, that she can read minds? That she has been able to since the first moment they met?

This is a gift for @nonokoko13​! (AO3 link). I hope you enjoy it! Here’s my little contribution to the Damianya part of the fandom :)

Anya’s unstoppable right foot shook so hard that the dining table moved to her tune, causing a metallic sound from the table legs hitting the floor. Her hands joined forming a fist that was holding her chin. She was staring at the ceiling of her house, looking for some inspiration on what to do. As if the ceiling tiles were an almighty god with all the answers willing to share with mere mortals.

Anya was concerned. A concerned 26-year-old woman. A concern police officer in these peaceful times. She never told anyone about this. Not even her parents. It was an intrinsic part of herself. It grew to be normal on her. Part of what defines what Anya Forger-Desmond is.

How is a woman supposed to tell her husband, who has been married to her for almost 7 years now, that she can read minds? That she has been able to since the first moment they met?

What people has always said about her is that she is a very perceptive person. And as the years went by, she got better at hiding it. No one has been able to hide a secret from her for long. And that is something that, today, was making Damian miserable.

Damian decided that this year was going to be the year. He will blow her mind with the most astonishing surprise ever. He will prove to her that he still has it, after all these years of marriage. For her to remember the feeling of being on the lookout and not knowing what to expect. The knowledge of something coming her way without a clue of what might that be.

Two things were wrong with Damian’s assumptions. First, he has never, ever, surprised her. Not on purpose at least, not by planning something out. He shouldn’t need to prove that he still has anything in that regard. And secondly, she doesn’t know how it feels to be non-puzzled because people usually think about the surprises while they are being planned or revealed. She hasn’t figure it out a way to put a spoiler alert tag on people, so she just deals with it.  

Why was Damian getting so frustrated about this lately?

The worst part is that his poker face is too good. There are times in which she knows what Damian is truly thinking just because she can read his mind. Instead, she is an open book.

Faking surprise? Yeah, that has never worked out for her before.

After faking a face, she is always hit by the thoughts “Oh, she saw it coming” “She knew about it” “Surely Becky told her” “Surely Damian told her” “Am I this bad at lying?”

His husband was feeling insecure and he did not tell her, she knows it because she is able to read. His. Mind.

What to do? What to do?

She growled at the ceiling tiles.

She truly thought she was going to be able to take this secret to her tomb. She never told Mama and Papa, and the only one that -probably- knew it, was Bond.

She took a sip of the hot chocolate she prepared to help herself think. Why did she decide to keep it a secret from them all these years?

Right. That night. When she was just an 8-year-old.

~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V

She had the popcorn’s bowl in her lap. Mama was on her right, watching the movie. Papa was on her left, reading a book. Bond was lying in front of her, eyes closed, unfazed by the fighting sounds coming from the TV. It was the latest Spy Wars movie. One of the bad guys had the ability to read minds with a machine.

Loid and Yor already knew about each other secret lives and after a bit dramatic fight, they accepted each other identities and decided to live together after all.  Which made possible for Anya to live a real life with them. And she was pondering the possibility to tell them. To also come clean of secrets. For them to be the first people in her life to know. So, she gathered courage, her hands forming fists and asked with the most casual tone she could gathered “Isn’t that cool?”

“What, Anya?” Asked Yor cocking her head with closed eyes and her always gentle smile, who was paying attention to the movie.

“Being able to read minds”. No, she cannot do it. Oh shit, she was already doing it. Panic. She ate a handful of popcorn at once. Swallowed it quickly to continue. “What do you think about that?”

Loid was the first to reply, in his detached matter-of-fact way of speaking, so serious and yet so smooth “Well, even if it is certainly an advantage it might be dangerous. It seems that the machine could blow out at any minute now”

Not the answer she was hoping. Anya wanted to divert the attention from the movie. Was Papa even paying attention to it? He was supposed to be reading. “But think about it in real life” she took her mother’s hand. She wanted to ask ‘what if I was the one reading minds’ but she was too scared to hear the answer, so she said the next thing she thought about. “What if mama were able to read our minds all the time?”

“M-Me?” A soft pink colored her cheeks, and she gave it a thought. “It could be a little tiring I guess, not being able to focus on my own mind because everybody is thinking around me”

That was an accurate way to describe it. Although Anya was getting better at handling it.

“It will probably be weird for the people around her.” Her father got her attention in a second, now we were talking. “I wouldn’t be able to look Yor in the eyes the same way again.”

“Why?” And her voice was probably a pitch higher than before.

“If a person can read your mind, they will know you better than anyone else. They will know what you think even if it is not what you chose to say, so they will not only know the person you want to be or the one you are trying to become, but they will know the true you. And that is something terrifying somehow. Not all people will be able to handle that.”

“Will you get away from mama if she was able to read minds?”

“No, I don’t have secrets from Mama anyway”

But Anya could read minds. And she knew what Loid’s real answer was. She still tried one more time.

“And you Mama, will you stay with Papa even if he was able to read your mind?”

“Of course, sweetheart”

But the devasting truth was that both were terrified of the idea. And although they didn’t directly think “yes, I will leave”, they both imagined multiple situations in which they would rather die from shame than letting the counterpart know their deepest secrets.

“I see” was all that Anya was able to say, while shrinking more into the couch.

“Why are you making that face Anya?” Yor asked, hugging her shoulders with one hand. “Nobody is able to read minds, so you don’t need to worry about it”.

But she did worry about it. Because at the short age of eight, she swore to herself to never reveal her deepest secret to anyone. It was something bad. It was something to be ashamed of. Anya would rather die than letting anybody know about it and let them treat her differently because of it.

~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V

But here she was. Pondering her options. Because maybe the truth was what Damian needed right now. Maybe he could be the first. Maybe she could trust him to not destroy her feelings with utter rejection.

Two weeks ago, Becky invited her for lunch and, as usual, she was telling her about the latest sweetheart she was dating. The conversation ended up shifting to Damian and Anya’s long-term relationship. This year they were going to celebrate the 7 years anniversary.  

“There’s a saying, you know?” said Becky casually, taking the dessert spoon when the waiter brought her ‘Golden Opulence’ sundae. “If a marriage remains together after seven years, they will be together forever.”

“Non-sense, there wouldn’t be divorces after 10 years then.”

“I mean it, Anya. It’s called The Seven Year Itch”

Anya rolled her eyes and started to eat her own dessert. “And what’s supposed to happen on the 7th year?”

“Monotony. Love ends. People get bored. They feel like the compatibility is no longer there. That the other person just ‘don’t get it’ anymore.”

The last part caught Anya’s attention. Why was that ringing a bell on her head?

And then she remembered all the times along the year that Damian tried to do different things for her, which all ended up in a frustrated husband.

Could Damian fear they were not compatible anymore?

Anya face twisted like an open book to Becky.

“How is it going with Damian, Anya?” She had concern in her eyes. And Anya knew it was real concern. Becky took her hand over the table “Everything ok at home?”

“Yeah,” she tried to dismiss it with a smile “everything is fine”

But hey, she was friends with Becky for over 20 years now. And Anya did not really know how to lie to save her life.

Becky insisted.

“Okay, well, there might be something” twirling her fingers in rounds, looking to the ground pouting, Anya mumbled indescribable words to Becky before finally saying it: “I think Damian is a bit concern about the fact that he can’t surprise me”

“Nobody can surprise you. You are too good at reading people. And a terrible liar.”

“And he has known about it for years now!” Yes Becky, agree with her. It was not her fault. It was not her fault. “It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?”

“Then why do you think he is concerned about that?” Becky was confused.

Because she knew.

A couple days back, Damian got up earlier to cook her favorite breakfast and took it to her bed. But Anya knew that it was going to happen before hand because he bought and hid the ingredients the day before, so she did her best sleepy surprised expression and started to eat.

Damian’s thoughts were loud in his head “Loser. I cannot even surprise her when she is half asleep. Nothing works”

But he did not tell her that, instead, he kissed her forehead and walk out of the room with the excuse of meeting his brother early that day. Lie. He just wanted to be out of there. Away from her.

Anya replied: “He told me he feels bad because he can’t surprise me, I just want him to know that it is not his fault”

“Well, there’s a limit on how perceptive a person can be. I had surprise you before. It’s hard, yes, but possible. It might be kind of his fault” Actually, Becky surprised her on a moonless night.

“It is not” Anya hit her head into the table with a defeated expression on her face “I need him to understand that”.

She can only get surprised on moonless days. But how to explain it without telling the truth?

And here she was.

Thinking.

Considering.

Pondering.

Did it worth the risk?

She was so deeply scared about how hard she wanted to tell him. How hard she wanted to trust him. To believe he will love her no matter what. She has known Damian since he was 6 years old. She knows how good or bad he can be. The deepest secrets of his heart. What makes him happy even if he has never openly said so. There is no human being that she knows better than him.

Damian was certainly going to panic.

But will he overcome it? Accept it?

She was so scared that she picked today, a moonless day, to do so. She wasn’t strong enough to hear the rejection coming from him. Her heart wouldn’t handle it. No matter if he later thinks twice about it and accept it. She couldn’t stand the idea of hearing him fear her.

She heard the doorknob opening and her mind went blank, her back ran cold and her hands got sweaty. Was it right? Would it help him to know? Would it make it worst? She doesn’t know.

“I’m home”

He immediately noticed the distressed on his wife. “Is everything alright?”

“No” elbows on the table, she just holds her forehead with her fists. Eyes closed “Can you please take a sit? We need to talk”.

Damian did as requested, showing a hint of concern in his face.

Although a part of Anya appreciated the silence for her to gather her thoughts in order, the other part wanted to peek into Damian’s head and see what he was thinking.

“I know you have been mad a lot lately”.

She looked at him right in the eyes. It seemed to take him aback.

“Me? Mad? About what?” He deviated his gaze quickly, as if looking for a better answer. He was also a terrible liar, somehow.

“About the fact that you can’t surprise me”

Damian’s eyes turned sad, avoiding her gaze he just stared at the table. “Am I that much of an open book to you?”

“No- Yes. Err, something like that”

Still avoiding her gaze, he moved his eyes to the window next to them. “I’m sorry for not being able to do the same for you”

She took his hand over the table; he was still refusing to look at her.

“Damian, please look at me”

She squeezed his hand. He finally did.

“There’s something important I need to tell you. It might sound crazy, but it is the truth. And I’m terrified of telling you. Nobody” and she repeated the word with all the emphasis she could gathered in her voice “Nobody, knows about this. It is my most guarded secret and I swore to myself that I will take it to my tomb”

That got Damian’s attention. Momentarily forgetting how shitty of a husband he was feeling lately.

“I love you, Damian. And I trust you” she was scared. So scared that Damian’s hand was wet with her sweat now. “And I will tell you”

This is it. She will say it. Her heart was beating faster than ever. She was going to reveal her deepest secret.

“The reason why neither you nor anyone can’t surprise me is because…”

Silence. She bits her lip. She cannot face him. She stops to stare at his eyes and lowers her gaze.

“Because…”

Damian squeezes her hand softly this time, encouraging her to talk.

She sighs. Shuts her eyes harder. Takes a big breath and hold it for a couple seconds, until finally releasing it, talking as fast as she could “BecauseICanReadMinds”

Damian asks her to repeat herself, slowly this time.

“Because I can… read minds”

Of course, Damian doesn’t believe it. He drops her hand and stand up from the table. So much mystery and expectation for a joke. He was truly feeling bad about it and Anya wanted to do one of the weird jokes in an honestly bad time.

Damian was feeling insecure. He heard about the Seven Year Itch at work early that year. And he realized that without space for doubts Anya was the person that knew the most about him. But did he know about her the same way? Did he pay enough attention? And what about the relationship? Was he getting monotonous? Will Anya look for other men that can provide her the excitement she so dearly appreciates in her life? How much can she stand his own inaptitude?

So yeah, Damian is pretty pissed off. He gives her his back and walks towards the bedroom for some cooling off time.

“I’m telling the truth!” he hears her say.

He stops on his track and looks at her sideways. “Yeah? What am I thinking right now?”

She feels like stabbed. She didn’t think he was going to assume it was a lie. She was worried about a bunch of other scenarios. “I don’t know! It doesn’t work on days without moon!”

“How convenient. Should I assume today is a New Moon day?”

Damian was already reaching the shared bedroom when Anya took his hand to stop him. Once he entered the room, he was going to shut the door and keep her out for a couple hours until to cool down. He always did it when he was truly pissed off. She knows it and doesn’t want to let him do it. Because once he cools off, she could get cold feet and now that she has resolved to tell him, she did not want to brush it off as a joke or something like that.

“Damian, look at my eyes”

He ignored her.

She took his head with one hand and made him face her. “Look at me”

He finally did.

“I’m telling you the truth. I am adopted. People did things to me when I was a kid, in a lab. I can read minds since I am 3 years old. I had read your mind since the first time I met you. Every day. Except on days when there’s no moon in the sky”

And Damian does know something about his wife. She cannot lie to him to save his life. That is why even if she has tried to act surprised for years, he has always known when she was faking it. He thought it was because she pitied him. He was bad at surprises, and because he couldn’t properly catch her off guard, she fakes it. What Anya was just saying…? Could it be true?

“Why are you telling me this on the day you can’t prove it?”

“Because I’m terrified on what you might be thinking about me.” After saying that, she broke the eye contact with him “I do not want to hear your rejection.” She lets his hand loose “I might still hear it tomorrow, because you can’t trick your own thoughts. I will know the truth. But I couldn’t do it today.”

Damian knows with certainty; he does love his wife. He has loved her for many years now and undoubted he will do it for many years to come. He could not stand watching her like this. It broke his heart. He holds her in a tight hug.

The moment he hugged her Anya started to cry. He spoke softly into her ear “What you are telling me right now is so nonsensical, absurd. Crazy. But I want you to know that no matter what, I love you. And I won’t reject you even if you were an alien from another planet”

Her shuddering sobs started to calm down “Even if I came from Pluto? It is not a planet.”

“Even then, Anya”

She holds him tight “I am sorry”

“About what”

“Being unable to fake my surprise face and making you sad about it”

He removed a tear from her cheek before placing a small kiss on her lips “I preferred it that way. That makes me enjoy more when I see you genuinely surprised. Maybe that’s why I try so hard.”

They stood there for a while, in a comfortable silent hug.

“So how does it work?” He asked.

“Well, I can hear what you think in front of me. If I concentrate enough, I can hear a specific person several feet away”

“Can you know something about a person that is not actively thinking it in that moment?”

“Like look into a person’s memories?”

“Yeah”

“No, I can’t. Just what they are thinking at that time.”

“I see”

Silence again.

Damian broke it, again. Flustered this time “So you have been able to read my mind all this time?”

“Yes”

“W-were you able to read it when I was thinking of kissing you for the first time?”

“Every time until you finally did it” She laughs.

Damian was full red-faced at this point “Did you also read it on Becky’s 18th birthday party?”

Anya’s cheeks dyed pink at the memory “Y-Yeah”

This time Damian covered his face with both of his hands. “Did you read it on our wedding?”

“No” That got him out of the ashamed-zone for a second.

“Why?”

“I ensure it was on a moonless day. I didn’t want to get myself overwhelmed by all the guest’s thoughts on such special day”

Silence.

“That makes sense”

“Yeah”

More silence.

“So, you can’t read them today even if you try hard?”

“Not a single word”

He nods with his head.

“I think I get it”

“Are you not like… feeling weird?”

“Yes, I am”

“… Would you have preferred for me to not tell you never about this?”

He denied with his head “Thank you for telling me, it must have been hard”

“Not even my parents know”

“Really?”

“Really”

Anya didn’t need to read his head to know that he was feeling pretty cocky about it. It was painted all over his face.

More silence.

Out of the blue, Damian started to laugh. He brushed his hair with his fingers and looked at her with sparkles in his eyes.

“I swear I will surprise you this Christmas”

She laughs.

“And how are you going to do that?”

“Now that I know how you do it, I will train myself from here to December. I will need your help, though”

“I will gladly help”

She smiled.

“I love you”

He smiled.

“I love you too”

She figured it out it was okay to tell him the other secret not even her parents knew. If we are coming clean, we are coming clean about everything.

“You know… I am also two years younger. I lied about my age for my papa to adopt me.”

Damian thought about it for several minutes. Face full red again once he talked.

“Y-You were sixteen on Becky’s party!?”

~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V

After that day back in August, they set up a calendar on the fridge door marking the moonless days. The day after “the talk”, Damian spent all morning having a talk to her. Or more like, keeping his mouth shut while she was keeping the conversation out loud with Damian playing with the fact that he can hold a conversation with her without pronouncing a single word.

It had been fun, somehow, watching Damian adapt to his new life over the months.

He soon realized Anya probably knew about all the people he had wanted to kill at some point. She also knew when he thinks about another woman being pretty. She totally knew when he lied to her about enjoying some new food she cooked. She knew when he was being mean with people in his head without reason.

He sometimes forgets and still lies to her. Then, he gets self-conscious about the fact she already knows the truth and apologize for lying.

He has also caught her off guard and surprised her already a couple times. The trick is to think about literally anything else near her and plan the surprises when she is not close by. A bit more difficult, but definitely more gratifying.

She knew all the good and all the bad that was in his mind, and after seeing everything she still loved him. She has always known, since he was a child, and after all this time she was not only still his friend but accept him as a partner to spend her life with.

How can he ever have doubts about her feelings again? How if she already knew everything about him and accepted him as he is?

Is it fair to be blessed in this life with the sincere and absolute love of a person that truly knows you?

For Anya, the feeling was mutual. The first weeks she cried of happiness almost every day. Damian didn’t leave her. He accepted it. Looked for ways to make it work. Embraced it as a challenge to surpass together. As a team.

~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V~V

On the Christmas day Anya woke up with an alarm’s sound coming from Damian’s side of the bed. She tried to move him to shut it off, but she just found an empty space next to her. A note left in his pillow. She opened her eyes and started to read it with a sleepy face, after shutting the damn thing off.

“Anya,

I’m sorry I was not there to kiss you a good morning today. I needed the alarm so you could eat your breakfast while it was still hot. Please get out of the bed and go to the kitchen. There’s a surprise waiting for you there”

Anya’s smile was big in her face. What? She was enjoying the fact that she had zero clues about this.

She didn’t put shoes on and went out of the bedroom in a second, to the kitchen. The first thing she noticed in the hallway was the strong smell of roses.

The image that welcomed her left her speechless. There were fresh flowers everywhere and in her seat of the dining table there was a full set of plates and another note.

“There is fruit, fresh baked croissants, fried eggs and bacon. Plenty of orange juice and a big peanut can. You can either finish the peanuts after breakfast or carry them with you along the day for a snack. And because I didn’t want you to eat in silence, please go to take the TV remote and turn it on.”

She took a bite of one of the croissants and did as commanded. A video of recaps of their wedding day played with Bryan Adams’ “I do it for you” acoustic version playing in the background. After certain pictures there was a message.  

The first photo in the video was one of Anya entering the church. “The moment I saw you step into the hallway, I cried”. The next one, was a photo of Damian crying in his suit. “Because the only thing that was crossing my mind was that I was the luckiest man in the world. You looked like an angel. The most stunning woman was walking in my direction, to declare to myself and the world that she willingly will spend all her life next to me. You continuously make me the best version of myself, Anya”. A third photo: Anya signing the official documents. “Or that’s what I would probably have been thinking if my brain hasn’t done shortcut at that moment”. The next photo that flashes across the screen was one of both exiting the church holding each other hand. “I swear to you I couldn’t think of anything. My mind was a loop of ‘wow’ until the priest started talking and I then I was forced to focus to remember my vows”.

Anya was shaking. A couple tears were rolling down her cheeks. She got pretty emotional watching the video. Several pictures of the party followed without any more messages until the end of the video. She finished the breakfast and took the peanuts can. A message showed up on the TV: “I know the bed is tempting on a Christmas day without responsibilities. But please go and get yourself ready. It is a sunny beautiful day, what about a walk in the park? Make sure to wear comfortable shoes.”

She went back to the bedroom, took a quick shower and got a pair of jeans, a white t-shirt and her favorite sneakers. On top of them, another note.

“I knew you would pick these ones. They are old Anya, let me give you new ones with the same color and style. Your refusal is non-negotiable this time around.”

Anya laughed, no. She will keep them until they are torn, and her toes shows at the front. What is a little worn shoe sole and colorless sections? She loves those shoes. He gave them to her a few years back, when she broke a heel in a night outgoing and the only opened store only sold sneakers. The note continuous

“A boy selling newspapers will be waiting for you in the park. He’s wearing a red t-shirt”

So, to the park it is.

It was a sunny day indeed. A lot of people with the day off were having a blast with their families, kids playing with dogs, old people playing chest, fathers and mothers teaching her kids how to use a bicycle for the first time. She wanted to be reunited with her family too.

It was easy to find the boy. He was so nervous that his thoughts were louder than the people around him “Pink haired woman, give it only to a pink haired woman that uses old shoes. Pink haired woman.”

“Hello there, are you the newspaper boy I’m looking for?”

He took a quick glance at her shoes and then cleared his throat looking for a newspaper in his bag. “They told me the job-hunting section was filled with important information, agent Peanut.”

Anya smiled. So that is what this is about. “Thank you, have a good day.”

While she was getting away to search for a free bench to sit on, she heard the thoughts of the boy running in the opposite direction “I need to tell the man I already did it”

She opened the newspaper, there was a pen marking the start of the section the boy mentioned. She read over the lines carefully until she noticed the pattern. The same they used in episode 703 of “Spy Wars”. The secret code was easy to decipher. Each line had two dots marking each one a letter. The letter that was in the middle of the two marked ones was the one she needs to mark in a circle. And reading it from bottom to top, she will get the message.

“Train station. 53. Seat 9A.”

Anya closed the newspaper and run towards the train station. Laughing her heart out. Such a fun morning. What was Damian planning to do?! She opened the peanuts can that brought with her and eat a few “Crazy man.”

She found out the train she was supposed to take was going to the city borders. In the seat 9A there was an envelope. She opened it.

“Agent Peanut, we have captured your husband. We will torture him until he reveals your deepest secrets. Do not even try to come to the old peanut’s abandoned factory outside the city where we have our secret liar. Coordinates: 51.08342, 10.423447”

The envelope also had the ticket for the ride. Anya rolled her eyes. Damian loved to make fun of the fact that the villain always gave its secret liar address to the good guys as if screaming “go and get me if you dare”. It was never this painfully obvious in the show. Except on episode 113, the one about ‘Bad-Man and the pâtissier heist’.

The train was already in movement when she heard a voice. “Ticket, please?”

She stared at the man and could hear his thoughts “Pink hair, green eyes”. “Are you Miss Peanut?”

A light blushed enlighten her face. It was ok for the newspaper boy to say it but having a fellow adult calling her that was a bit shameful “Yes”

The man took a backpack from the compartments above her seat. “This is for you”

The man left after marking her ticket, leaving her alone to explore the inside of the backpack. She covered her mouth with her hands. “Oh my god”

There were a couple toy guns with 30 bullets each. A belt to hold them. A water bottle, a black t-shirt, cap and sunglasses. There was also another envelope.

“Hey, don’t you dare abandon me.”

A quick sketch of a Damian tied to a chair saying ‘help’ was on the upper right corner of the paper.

Anya bit her lower lip and whispered the answer to herself: “Never”

She was able to change her clothes before reaching the destination. From the station, it was just a 15 minutes’ walk.  

Her heart was beating fast. This was exciting. Damian was giving her surprise after surprise and she was loving it. It wasn’t even a moonless day. How come he did not think about this the previous days? He (his mind) usually won’t shut up whenever there’s a big surprise coming. Now that he knows she can read minds; did he take extra precautions? He on purpose force himself to think about everything but this? He was literally thinking about the Christmas lunch and where to go. Planning dinner with her parents. Was it a trick? Or will they go after this? What is it? She took some things for granted today and thought about the surprise being a gift in a box that she’ll open in the family dinner. This was a thousand times better.

She finally reached her destination. A bunch of voices caught her attention.

“Mister Damian is too sweet” Was one of the female voices.

“At least I’m getting paid twice for working on Christmas” another voice.

“I hope Anya doesn’t get hurt” A third one.

“I should have gotten a bigger breakfast this morning” A fourth one.

How much people did Damian had there?

But suddenly, a voice shut out: “Enemy on sight, enemy on sight!”

An alarm started to ring, and Anya’s heart felt like to explode from the adrenaline.

“Don’t let her go to the second floor!”

So that is where she was supposed to go.

Anya entered through an open window and suddenly a lot of gas started to fill the warehouse. Anya saw that the people inside was armed with the same guns she had in the backpack. She took one from the belt and started to shoot. The people she was shooting started to fall and ‘die’. She ran across the people in the middle of the smoke to the stairs when a big guy was waiting for her like a wall.

Anya was a 26-year-old police officer. She was mildly offended that there was only one guy. She easily passed through him and reached the second floor.

Fifteen-armed (with toys) people were waiting for her. Damian was tied in a chair with a smirk in his beautiful face, thinking for her mind only: “Are you going to rescue me or what?”

But the biggest surprise of all was the villain.

“Uncle Yuri?”

“Oh! You have finally find my liar, Agent Peanut!” he ignored her question, getting full in character “But you are late, your husband refused to give us information, so he is useless now. I have decided that he is going to die in 5 minutes!” A bomb with a clock was chained to Damian’s chest.

“I won’t let you!” She was full on combat mode now. Following the game. “Leave my husband alone! This is between you and me!”

“Soldiers, kill her!”

But Anya was too good. She didn’t stop laughing while fighting with the people they hired for this. When she was finally done with the ‘guards’ she faced her uncle: “Now it is your turn!”

“You think you can take me down in 4 minutes and a half? Keep dreaming! You’ll face your end at the hands of – he sighed and though “I can believe I’m going to say this but agh, whatever” - Bad-Man!” She was 100% sure they stopped the clock for dramatic purposes. Also Uncle Yuri performance, top notch!

Anya run to her uncle and kick him with all her might. He easily blocked it with his hand.

A bunch of kicks and fist fighting followed. Yuri was enjoying it as much as Anya. They trained together many years ago, but after Anya grew up and become a member of the police department, they stopped to have the sessions. There was no particular reason for it, they just didn’t have the time anymore.

So being here fighting each other was like a jump back in time. And Yuri’s eyes get a little bit to shiny and his smile was a bit too big while defending up from her attacks.

Finally, Yuri fell with a dramatic scream when Anya shot him in the chest with the toy gun. (it probably hurt, though. She was mere inches away from him).

There is no way in hell that the fight took less than 10 minutes. But when she run towards Damian the clock has a minute left before the explosion.

She took the tape out of his mouth and dramatically kissed him. “Are you alright?”

“Hurry Anya! The bomb is going to explode any second now!”

“What is the key?”

There was a circular padlock holding the timer. Anya looked around her and run to Yuri’s pockets. Empty.

“Have you seen something that circular today?” Damian asked her.

She tried to read his mind, but all she found was “I won’t tell you. I won’t tell you. I won’t tell you” repeated as a mantra.

35 seconds.

Think Anya, think.

And then it hit her. She opened the backpack and took the peanut can. Could it be?

She pushed the can against the padlock and the timer stopped.

She beamed at Damian with a smile in her face “Take that!”

He was, however, staring at her with a loving gaze “You did it wonderfully”.

She then released him from the chains and hugged him. “I love you so much”

He replied to her with a thought in his head: “No more than how much I love you, Anya. Merry Christmas”

“You, big dork” was all she could say in a voice faltering with love.

“That hurts, Peanut” Yuri’s voice was behind her “No hugs for the boxing bag you just defeat and keep ignoring?”

She turned around and hugged her uncle without saying a word. She then removed a couple traitor tears that escape her eyes. “So, what’s next?”

“The helicopter is waiting for us behind the building.”

“Helicopter?”

“I just wanted you to live the full experience” was her husband reply.

She intertwined his fingers on hers “Thank you for today”

But there was a final surprise.

Damian’s sweet smile was not showing all the embarrassingly intense passionate thoughts he suddenly sent her way about the plans for the rest of the day and night. Anya’s face grew red in an instant. One of the downsides of the new discovered power was that Damian enjoyed making her blush on public. His smile shift to a cocky one once he saw his wife reaction.

“Did you really though my plans ended up after lunch? It is as if you don’t know me at all”

“Well… I do have the rest of my life to do that”

------------------

Hope you like it! Happy holidays!

#damianya #aged-up #spyxfamily #spy x family #sneaky santa exchange #anya forger #damian desmond #my writing

[repetitionsings]

Sorting Cabin Pressure

I return! Briefly, because tumblr still hates me, and yet triumphant, because I’ve spent the last week re-listening to Cabin Pressure, and I want to talk about sorting the MJN crew. So let’s do some Sorting Hat Chats!

As usual, my view on these characters may not be yours, and if you have different thoughts, I’d love to hear them. :D Discussion spans the entire 27 episodes, so let’s say spoilers just to be safe.

Martin

Despite probably having the biggest, best-defined character arc, I'm finding Martin the main character I'm least set on. 

Secondary-wise, I'd say he's definitely a built secondary; very little of Martin's improvisations seem to come comfortable to him. His insistence on doing things right and by-the-book feels fairly Badger, but his ability to be lured into shortcuts and moments of unprofessional behavior feels to me like a Bird who thinks that Badger hard word and toil is the best option. It also seems to fit with the way he becomes calm and confident once something works out for him, and then immediately loses it once things go wrong and he feels unprepared again. The few episodes where he really gets to be confident and succeed particularly feel Bird-y to me: relying on knowledge in Johannesburg especially stand out.

(That said, Badger also seems to ring consistently with the way he handles a lot of things -- his dedication to his job, his hard work, even the way half the time he does get confident, it's either because Douglas isn't there to bring him down, or he seems to be pretending to be him.)

Primary-wise, though, that's where I get tripped up. Not a Snake, I think; even his hesitancy to leave MJN is half about his own goals and issues, not fully founded in caring about others. Badger doesn't quite seem right either -- "being loyal and true to things or people that exist is more important than sticking to grander but more abstract ideals or concepts" does not sound like Martin at all. My first thought was Lion, just one that's still struggling to be as decisive as they usually are -- despite his hesitancy, and his instincts being 'follow the rules written by others', a lot of the Lion stuff seems to apply to him. "They are willing to sacrifice their safety, social harmony, and a certain amount of logic to do what they feel is right." "There is right and there is wrong. Things are black and white. Shades of gray are places where people go to play games, twist the truth, and to be cowards."

But... he does bend the rules, or sit back and let Douglas do so. If nobody who makes him feel like he has to put on the act is there -- see Newcastle and Qikiqtarjuaq -- he'll bend them pretty far. Trying to drop candy on a kids' birthday party (Johannesburg) and lying to a passenger about where they're flying (Timbuktu) levels of far.

So who's around seems to be a big part of it, which maybe could point back in a loyalist direction. I think in the end, though, I'm going to throw up my hands and say, maybe a Bird whose system is in progress from something fairly immature and black-and-white to something more complicated? Martin's devotion to his passion and his job above all else feels pretty Idealist to me, and this seems a little more fitting than him being an extremely malleable Lion.

Douglas

Douglas "at any given moment I never have fewer than seven ulterior motives" Richardson? Douglas "did something clever and now everything's fine" Richardson? Douglas "pretending very hard not to care about anything, actually cares very deeply, but only about specific things and specific people" Richardson? Is there even any point to considering an answer besides double Snake here? Douglas might as well be the model of it. Trickery is his first language. He schemes, charms, adapts, and lucks out in order to achieve anything in his sights, whether that's as small as a relief from boredom or as big as saving the day.

Motivation is trickier -- but it becomes clearer and clearer as time goes on how far Douglas is willing to go to save MJN, and outside his own desires to be the captain again, that seems like the biggest thing that ever drives him. Combine that with his hedonism, and the way he's happy to lie, cheat, and steal to accomplish most other things with no notable guilt or shame, I don't even see hints of a model or structure built over it; the things that matter to him are his own reputation and status (and even that in very specific, particular ways), and saving GERTI and her crew.

(That said, the more I think about it, I do think you could make a solid argument for Douglas as a rapid-fire Bird Secondary. Mostly built around Zurich -- his confession that his confidence started, not just as a mask, but wholesale imitating somebody else. There's also this excerpt from Finnemore's Farewell Bear Facts: "Douglas prefers to hang back, let other people make mistakes, work out the 'something clever' he's going to do in secret, and then present it with a flourish." While that could be Snake-y, I could see it as a Bird's planning working for someone whose very invested in his own reputation. That said, I still think Double Snake seems the most applicable overall.)

Carolyn

Carolyn's drives are a kind of mirror to Douglas', which is interesting to reflect back on. The two things she cares most about are how she's seen, and -- even if she sometimes shows it in her own strange way -- Arthur. Then Douglas and Martin start to rank in there over time, and eventually so does Herc. (Martin moreso than Douglas -- speculation, but I think it's probably because everyone knows Douglas will take care of himself first, so he doesn't need to be worried about so much.) Money matters to her of course, but several times it comes down to show that if money was the most important thing, she'd probably have given up GERTI a long time ago. We get it set out plainly as early as Douz: "Because I am the Chief Executive Officer of MJN Air. It’s a good thing to be. It’s better than... a little old lady."

I think it's possible to read Carolyn as an extremely burned Badger; there's something in how she reacts to her sister that makes me think I can see it. But in general, I'm more inclined to say Snake Primary. One that isn't fully burned -- Arthur's never really out of her circle, I think -- but does have a hell of a time opening up her circle to new people by the time of the series. Just look at the trial Herc goes through before he gets there.

Lion Secondary, I think. She's the immovable object to Douglas' unstoppable force, and Martin is the thing unfortunately trapped between them at times. She's stubborn and honest, hates playing at being nicer than she is and only does it when absolutely necessary, and cares about her rules being followed but not the rules in general so much. She's whip-smart, but she doesn't actually tend to be tricky or slippery in the same way as Douglas -- and in fact, the one time we really see her try to be actively tricky, in Timbuktu, she loses. She's more likely to ignore opposition or tell someone else to solve it, and even when she pulls something, it's usually pretty straight-forward. (For example, calling Hester's fans in Cremona -- it's an underhanded move against someone who's earned her ire, but not really a complicated scheme.)

Arthur 

I think Arthur shares his mother's Lion Secondary. He's a force in his own right as much as she is, even if he's more of a tornado to her steel barrier. He's honest to a fault and very much always himself, no matter what the situation, or how much better it might be to try and do something else.

As Primary goes, it's hard to tell if this is just Arthur's optimism shining against everyone else, but my first instinct is Badger. He wants to be helpful, oftentimes too much so, and he likes them so much it tends to be notable when he doesn't like somebody. His focus tends to be the people in front of him at the time, but that does extend to include other people when they're there -- it's not just the crew at all times. While I think it's possible to see him in other lights, Badger seems to make the most sense and work with what we see of his wants through the series.

Herc 

While most of the other minor or reoccurring characters don't show up enough for me to have even an idea, I think we do get enough of Herc to narrow it down some, if not make a completely secure conclusion.

My first instinct is that he's yet another Snake Primary in the mix. It works with his role as a foil for Douglas, and with his willingness to give up his position to be with Carolyn by the end of the series. (That said, I feel like his speech on why he's a vegetarian in Ottery St. Mary could point towards Bird Primary as well, and would make sense with everything we see of him.)

He seems straightforward in a way that doesn't line up with a Snake Secondary to me -- that could be a matter of the situations we see him in, but I still just don't see it in his conversations with Carolyn. I'd say maybe a Lion Secondary, in the way the two of them clash and he stands his ground. Bird Secondary also makes sense, but admittedly I'm having trouble pointing to anything specific that made me think so; there's just something in the way his manner bounces off the others, and in the way he seems to almost take on and off All-Knowing Air Captain mode.

In conclusion --

Martin: Double Bird with a Badger Secondary model Douglas: Double Snake Carolyn: Snake Primary/Lion Secondary Arthur: Badger Primary/Lion Secondary Herc: tentatively Snake Primary/Lion or Bird Secondary

or, as they say in Limerick... But for Arthur, they're all quite constructed With the Snakes bickering interrupted By a worrying Bird From the Captain's chair heard Til the newest of Snakes is inducted

Carolyn's Lion is strong and won't coddle Martin's Bird, leaning against his model Or the Lion she raised By the Snake she's unfazed And thank you all, for reading my twaddle

#sortinghatchats #sorting hat chats #cabin pressure #Sorting Things Out #m: cabin pressure #til binary systems run

[ripples-of-thought]

Abortion in 1987

My junior year in high school I met a young man from a rival school during a New Year's Eve lock-in at a roller-skating rink. This is about what happened about 8 months later, just before my senior year.

Since I had a steady boyfriend, I started on "The Pill". My mother knew I was having sex with him and supported my decision to use birth control. At the time I was not living with her, so I went to Planned Parenthood. Although I could not have afforded them full price, PP allowed me to purchase them on a sliding scale. It worked well for months; however, as time passed I started to get a little sloppy about taking my pill on time every day. Some nights I'd forget altogether, and the next morning I'd swallow the previous night's pill with a prayer that this one time wouldn't be the one that got me pregnant. One month at the end of the summer, my period didn't show.

I was anxious about getting pregnant, so I got a home pregnancy test as soon as I was a week late. The next morning, I peed on the stick. One line was negative, two lines... yes, the two lines right there on the stick... that meant positive. I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, the one I was "in love" with. He meant the world to me, and would be my rock. Since my menses were normally very regular, I was pretty sure there was no mistake, but before being able to do anything, I would need a doctor's confirmation anyway. Back to Planned Parenthood I went, where they were able to verify the results, again at a price even a high school student in the 'burbs could afford.

The fact that this doctor's visit, and the potentially life-changing nature of it, seemed so routine that, years after, I've nearly forgotten it, is a testament to the professionalism of the care I received at that clinic. Everything was calm that day. The anxiety of deliberation all came afterward.

I told my parents. Being a pregnant teenager is scary, but I had two parents who loved me, and a mother who told me she'd support whatever decision I made.

She very much wanted me to be able to follow my own heart and mind about this, and I admire and appreciate that. I knew the history of abortion in the USA, had seen Dirty Dancing, I knew other times and other families had provided neither the freedom nor support that mine did. I was, and am, grateful for that.

But to no fault of theirs, I was not able to freely choose what to do with my body - whether to use it to continue growing this other human, or have the procedure that would end my pregnancy. My choice was smashed to pieces by my "rock".

For, while I was weighing the options - whether my family, my education and means, had room for an infant at this time... whether I was strong enough to carry a baby to term only to give it up to an adoptive family to care for it beyond my ability... whether to terminate the pregnancy and carry on with life's plans (such as they were) as if I'd never been pregnant... my boyfriend was thinking about his future career in the military.

His only ambition his entire life was to be part of an elite military unit such as the US Special Forces (the Green Berets) or what he saw as their modern equivalent, the Airborne Infantry. He was already a career Boy Scout, and an Eagle Scout, something he took great pride in. He'd talked to recruiters and was ready to enlist as soon as he graduated. And he saw my pregnancy as a threat to that.

At least, that's what he told me. I really can't understand his reasoning now... and I'm not sure I even seriously questioned it then. When I told him that I was considering adoption instead of abortion, he refused to even consider it. He couldn't stand the thought of "his" child being "somewhere out there" ...raised by someone else. He told me that if I did not have an abortion, I would never see him again.

There's a lot of hurt behind that statement... hurt that actually has nothing to do with him. Because while he had plans for a career after high school, I did not. I had vague ideas about what I wanted to do... I wanted to be artistic. I wanted to paint and write... but beyond that... I had no idea. I certainly didn't have plans for university... I didn't have the money to pay for it myself and I didn't have the grades or extra-curricular activities to get me a scholarship.

I knew I wasn't cut out for the military. I lacked the discipline and the physical fitness for that kind of life, whatever the film STRIPES made it out to be. So that left ...what? Becoming someone's domestic help? Being a grocery checkout clerk? Becoming a ...housewife? And with graduation looming ahead, I knew my days as a carefree teen were numbered. My mother had said so, jokingly, a few years before. I took it way too literally and way too personally. Mom had quipped about my dad's brother living in his parents' house in his 30's... "When you turn 18, you're on your own, kiddo." She didn't mean it. Hell, she wasn't even really talking about me at all! It was about her ex-brother-in-law, but I didn't realize that at 14 and I didn't realize it at 17. And so it went until that day... My self-esteem defining me through my romantic partnerships, never as the hero of my own story. So when he said my pregnancy threatened his future, and said he'd walk if I didn't terminate, I saw my future, the only future I could envision, endangered. I saw this pregnancy as a threat to the marriage I expected and all the children he and I might have in the future.

When I told my mom about my decision to terminate, I didn't tell her why. She took it calmly, but told me years later that she had been hoping I would choose differently. She offered to be there for me, she paid for part of it, and my boyfriend paid the rest. She drove me there and took me home after.

The Planned Parenthood in Beaverton did not perform abortions, and they referred me to a clinic in Northwest Portland, close to downtown. I had to make one appointment for "counseling" in which I had to lie and say that nobody was forcing me to get an abortion, and then I could set the appointment for the procedure.

I suppose that, in my mind, it wasn't really a lie. If I had been a stronger personality at the time, I could have refused to abort the pregnancy and sued him for child support... I never think about this event without a list of "what-ifs" as long as my arm.

I remember it as quiet, clean, with a neutral palette. I don't remember any of the other young women. It was the most normal thing really... just a trip to the doctor... just an "outpatient procedure". The table, the stirrups, the speculum... just like any gynecological visit I'd ever been to. I didn't pay much attention to the aspirator (the machine that provides the suction) and just focused on breathing slowly and staying relaxed. I was given local anesthetic and it was over very quickly.

I remember waiting in the recovery room for my mom to take me home, and I was relieved that it was over with. I was sorry that I had felt the need to do it, and I remember even apologizing to the fetus. I had already started believing in reincarnation as a teenager, and hoped that in the future, the same spirit might grow within another body that mine would build, when I was ready to have children. This was just not that time.

What followed the next week was pretty much what I usually went through during my period. Cramps, bleeding, and then... life went on.

I do want to write about that arms-length list of "what-ifs"... but this post, this blog, is not about what could have happened. It's about what did happen. And what did happen was not nearly as traumatic as some would have you expect.

It didn't result in any more depression than I was already experiencing due to undiagnosed chronic conditions. It's far more truthful to say that my depression led to needing an abortion than that my abortion caused depression.

I was not wracked with guilt afterward... although years later when I went through a Christian conversion experience I did feel a sort of guilt about not feeling guilty...

One out of four women in the USA have an abortion at some point in their lives. The reasons they list for having one are usually complex, involving multiple facets of their life; most often some intersection of emotional and financial stability. My story is not rare. It's common. It's normal.

It's okay.

For more information about the effect of unwanted pregnancy and abortion on the women who experience it, I recommend reading The Turnaway Study.

#abortion #reproductive rights #teen pregnancy #sexuality #reproductive health #gender equality #reproductive freedom #right to life #pro life #pro choice

[lorei-writes]

Match-Up #29

Hello, @spoopy-fish-writes​​ ! You chose left, so your match-up goes first, ha! Nobody expected a match-up like so, it’s... Like a Spanish Inquisition meme?

[Lorei from the future: This had some plot twists, huh].

Whew, where do I even begin!

Being a quick learner and overall, adapting to new situations well would be especially appreciated by more so lively and adventurous warlords, I suppose. Their partner would, in my opinion, downright need to have this quality, for the safety of the both of them... Or well, it would at the very least be preferable. Oh, yes, let’s not forget about warlords who have kidnapped their lover at least once. You know, it happens.

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Masamune (+1) Kenshin (+1) Shingen (+1)

Smart, ha! A treat for those who do enjoy a nice chat. I think it would be especially appreciated by warlords who enjoy to be intellectually stimulated more so than others.

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Masamune (+1) Shingen (+1)

Confident in your abilities, but not so much in yourself? Hmm... I suppose it is a good tool against over-confidence, something that could be well-prised by warlords living more so on the edge of things, always needing to make sure their next move won’t bring doom upon them. I think it could be taken as a sign of being reasonable? Some also could understand it quite well, hmm...

Mitsuhide (+1) Hideyoshi (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Shingen (+1)

Let’s consider the last two points together - being good at keeping your emotions in check and being loyal, trustworthy. The first one would be most likely equally appreciated by all, but in combination with the latter... I think it could have a particularly soothing effect? Hmm... I’d look towards those who were betrayed once and struggle to trust again. I reckon they’d truly see the worth of such a quality. Perhaps also those who need to know they can fully believe somebody?

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Hideyoshi (+1) Ieyasu (+1) Masamune (+1) Kenshin (+1) Shingen (+1)

Oh, okay, a purge shall begin. Let’s start with can’t take care of yourself (please, drink some water before reading the remaining parts of the match-up) + little sense of self preservation.

Mitsuhide (+4) <- he can’t do that either. Too similar. Mitsunari (+2) <- he needs somebody to help him with the very same issue, so although he isn’t doing this willingly (...unlike Mitsuhide, since there is quite a difference in their approach...), it’s a no-no

In contrast to that, there are certain suitors who do remind their lover to take better care of themselves.

Hideyoshi (+1) Masamune (+1) Kenshin (+1)

Lacking empathy at times and struggling to connect... Well, I could see it as quite a problematic thing when dealing with tsundere-type characters. If there is some conflict, it generally can be resolved if at least one part has some insight on feelings. (Which, by the way, will set Kenshin and Nobunaga here - Kenshin drowns in his own feelings. Nobunaga? He is completely detached).

Nobunaga (-1) Ieyasu (-1) Yukimura (-1)

You... You put being impulsive in the flaws category, so I suppose you would not want for that to be amplified. Well, we all know what warlord I will need to boink over his head for doing just that, now, don’t we? Hmm... Perhaps warlords who could serve as a bit of safety brake could be a good choice?

Hideyoshi (+1) Masamune (-1) Kenshin (+1) Shingen (+1)

Holding grudges, being petty... Hmm... I think that perhaps a certain overzealous mother hen could trigger that quality. Perhaps a certain deceitful “I will lie to you” person too.

Hideyoshi (-1) Shingen (-1)

1st Summary:

Shingen (+4) Kenshin (+4) Hideyoshi (+3) Masamune (+3) Nobunaga (+2)

Points distributed for likes:

Nobunaga (+1) <- (+2) music, baking; (-1) animals (the hunting scene in his route) Ieyasu (+1) <- animals (all of them have some, but he did treat Wasabi) Masamune (+2) <- art, baking Shingen (+1) <- baking

Points distributed for dislikes:

Nobunaga (-1) <- he loves sugar, there may be a bit of around (technically you can pick stuff separately, but sometimes you may have to compromise and that’s not his strong side) Hideyoshi (-1) <- deadlines Ieyasu (+1) <- dislike for anything annoying (repetitive noises included) Shingen (-1) <- overly sweet food

2nd Summary:

Masamune (+5) Shingen (+4) Kenshin (+4) Hideyoshi (+2) Ieyasu (+2) Nobunaga (+2)

Only characters with positive value by their names will be considered in the final stages of the match-up. 

Hideyoshi (+2) - he has a habit of micro-managing others to a degree, so he may feel restrictive Kenshin (+4) - he is controlling at first. Surely, it changes later on in the route, but this being the dealbreaker... It would most likely prevent the relationship from ever starting. Nobunaga (+2) - he isn’t exactly keen on waiting at the beginning

Ieyasu (-1) <- he sometimes tells others not to do something and may appear patronising

Being unable to blush sounds quite lovely, honestly, although the underlying issue is not so nice. Let’s unite in the weird blood flow club, my blood pressure is sometimes so low the thing used to measuring it can’t detect it, haha. Maybe it’s a bit old too.

No points were distributed for wild cards.

Ahh, luckily, Nobunaga didn’t make it this far, haha.

Yes, yes! And now, the verdict time is upon you...

Final Ranking

Masamune (+5) Shingen (+4) Ieyasu (+1)

Masamune

Confessed first: Masamune. That being said, you were the one to explain to him how you define and perceive love, and it did take him a moment to wrap his head around the concept and understand it. Only then did he confess.

Makes tea in the morning: Masamune, unless he has just returned to the estate and, well, isn’t exactly in the shape to do that.

Hogs blankets at night: You. He’s like an oven, he won’t complain about this too much - but he will use it as a blackmail material later on and tease you lots.

Is the little spoon: Depends on how harsh the day was on each of you.

Possible points for conflict: Well, both of you have your own issues, neither being capable of taking good care of yourself. It may happen sometimes that, each equally exhausted, you will argue over who needs to rest. Other than that... He is not the most fluent in regards to his feelings, but he does get a grasp on them a little sooner than you. He is learning to slow down and accomodate for you better, but he does slip sometimes, even if just sometimes.

Free time ideas: Cooking lessons (+ baking together), playing with Shogetsu, re-organising the display of your art, going on a stroll, without any sense of direction, and just enjoying life.

Favourite date spot: Any place, as long as you can destress for a moment. He’s particularly found of locations when he can let his guard down for a moment.

A secret you share: He’s actually a worse baker than you and you’ve scolded him quite a lot when you first entered the kitchen together. Usually, he wouldn’t mind, but this experience... It did humble him a lot, his face having bloomed in a fashionable shade of tomato-red.

His favourite thing about you: Just one? He couldn’t pick even if he wanted. It’s just that... This “favourite” thing is everything, because of how it all comes together. He loves how reasonable you can stay, but also how this reason stops where trust and loyalty begins. He loves seeing your art, how passionate and knowledgeable you are - it is as if... There was always something to surprise him? Ah, and let’s not forget to your inability to blush - it is quite amusing when you’re so cutely embarrassed and yet, don’t look so at all. If he ever managed to get your face to heat up, he will take it as a point of pride.

His message to you: “You always amaze me, lass. Loyalty for loyalty, what do you say? I promise never to betray you or your trust... And not to limit you nor your desires.” “Huh? What do you mean why? Because you’re the most beautiful when you are yourself, of course.”

#match-up #ikesen match-up #ikemen sengoku match-up #ikesen #ikemen sengoku

[xaibaugrove]

An Analysis of Ellie

In honor of The Last Of Us Day, I’m finally gonna drag out this headcanon I’ve had in my drafts forever. If you choose to read this, good luck because it’s a long time. 

Of course, SPOILERS AHEAD. 

So, this all started with me thinking about how Ellie has suffered from survivor’s guilt ever since she discovered her immunity, when she was meant to die with her girlfriend/best friend Riley. 

In that moment, Ellie had already embraced death and wanted to share it with her loved one, but that was robbed from her. She continued to live while forced to watch who might have been the first person she ever loved turn from infection. Ellie had no explanation for why that gift of immunity had been given to her. She had that gift thrust upon her by forces outside of her control. Ellie had to contend with her new existence as someone immune to the infection that had torn apart Earth’s reality, trapped in a paradox as a young teenage girl in a post apocalyptic world, until Marlene relieved her of that pressure by giving her life meaning, by giving purpose to her immunity and bestowing an important identity upon her: the savior of the human race.

Before all that, Ellie had always been just a number. She was just an orphan kid in a sea of other faceless, nameless kids in a military boarding school, without a future or special kind of destiny in a bleak world without any real meaning. Suddenly, she was a savior for all humanity and tasked with the tremendous responsibility of staying alive. She had to contend with her life having more value than others, seeing people sacrificing themselves over and over again, for her, when she had lived as a nobody for all her life until that point when everything changed.

I can imagine that that was a lot for Ellie to deal with as a teenager, a key developmental time in her life when she is just learning who she is as a person. A lot of her identity was based on not having an identity. Being trained and destined to be a nameless soldier. So when that identity was called into question, when she was smacked in the face with immunity to a virus that killed her best friend and numerous people on the planet, she needed the absurdity of her existence to be reigned in by her new title of savior of the human race.

During her journey with Joel, while the player mostly experienced the story and struggle of Joel, Ellie was struggling with her own internal issues as the secondary character. She mainly dealt with the loss of her innocence but she also still carried within her a crippling survivor’s guilt. This is very apparent after the death of Tess. In that pivotal scene in Part 1, Tess made it abundantly clear that the only reason why she was sacrificing herself was because of Ellie’s immunity, to the point of physically grabbing Ellie by the arm and pointing to the point of infection, relegating Ellie to just her immunity. Of course it wasn’t Tess’s intention to do that, but one can only wonder how Ellie absorbed that moment, another moment that helped her in defining herself. Tess wasn’t risking her life to save Ellie the person. She sacrificed herself for the immunity, the potential cure Ellie carried within her. 

This assisted Ellie in defining herself by her immunity. Instead of thinking about herself and how she related to the world around her with all the contradictions of her childhood, and the relationships she formed with Joel and Sam, the people in that world, it was easier to just soldier through life with the sole goal of fulfilling her destiny. Saving the human race.

Then came the turning point in her life, when her identity was stripped from her by the very person she had come to trust and love the most.

In a way, Ellie had her autonomy taken from her by Joel and had to come to grips with that, the fact that Joel loved her and yet, hurt her deeply as a result of that love, without truly acknowledging it. In making this ultimate decision about her life for her, Joel triggered her survivor’s guilt and Ellie had no way of expressing it, 1. Because Joel lied to her about the situation and forced the conversation to be buried in that lie, and 2. Because even if she gathered the courage to confront him about the lie, she didn’t really have the cognitive ability at the time to express herself fully, to tell him exactly what was wrong with it. And maybe on some level, she didn’t really want to have the conversation and finally clarify the unspoken truth. If she did initiate the conversation, how could she be angry at him when his defense is that he did what he did out of love? What defense would an average teenager have against a parent making that statement in one of many common situations that could occur in normal settings?

Because of the decision that Joel made, he was able to be content with his surrogate daughter, living his best life in a way, while Ellie was devastated in the aftermath. And if he did notice her inner turmoil, he never addressed it. She was probably subtly carrying around that guilt with her for years. It might have even bothered her or made her hesitant to indulge in the many positive aspects of being alive: developing friendships, romantic relationships, normal childhood things. It wasn’t until Ellie was allowed to stew on it, contemplate everything and allow the guilt to fester within her that she was able to finally muster up the courage to have that difficult conversation with Joel.

In yet another pivotal scene, this time in Part 2, she gave him another chance to confess to what she suspected was a lie for multiple years when she was met with another trigger of her survivor’s guilt, during the reluctant excursion she embarked upon with Joel in search of strings for the guitar he made for her. In that scene, she questions him, counters his excuses and challenges him. Ellie gave Joel the chance to be honest with her. And his choice was to dig his heels in deeper, lying to her face once again. When watching Ellie’s expressions after Joel silenced her protests, so much can be seen in the way she looks at him for a moment.

She looks at him and thinks of how many things he has done to make her happy, out of love for her, and the immense contradiction she feels with those acts of love when compared to the greatest pain he inadvertently inflicted on her as well as the continuation of that pain through him perpetuating the lie. She gave him another chance and he betrayed her trust again. When Ellie looks away from Joel, her expression then reveals her innermost thoughts. Her eyes search the void between them to see that Joel will never admit to the lie and the only way for her to reinforce what she believes is the real truth is for her to seek out the answers herself. So she does.

When he did finally confess to everything, it broke her with not only how indifferent he was to it, but how he had destroyed any chance she could have of fulfilling her purpose. It possibly even reaffirmed the suspicions in the back of her mind that questioned his love for her due to how much he had hurt her without apologizing even once for it and how much he had taken from her in the process. The validity of all their past interactions were suddenly called into question as well, because although Joel did those things to make Ellie happy, every happy moment was always undercut by the tremendous amount of guilt she carried that outweighed the happier moments for her as her entire life was worthless to her, from the moment Joel removed her from that hospital.

After that revelation, her sense of self was thrown into limbo. Ellie severed her relationship with Joel and went back to Jackson with no idea of how to truly carry on with her life and live with herself after that. In order to appease herself in some way, she regained some type of control in navigating their relationship from that point on. Before, their relationship hinged entirely on how Joel wanted to interact with her, with him approaching her to progress their father-daughter relationship after he removed her agency by making choices for her. Post their argument at St. Mary’s, it’s important to note that Ellie assumed control and eliminated that progression entirely. A consolation prize, a reclamation of her agency in life. But it was never enough.

Regardless, things continued on like that for some time, but then something happened that shifted the trajectory of Joel and Ellie’s relationship. On a night when Ellie attended a party, she happened to find herself possibly feeling grateful for being alive when her longtime best friend expressed interest in her and made an advance toward her. 

After Joel intervened in a conflict between her and a dumbass bigot, she angrily went to confront him. She continued to exercise her control in their relationship by coming down hard on him. Her anger about everything was very apparent during their confrontation later that night and one can see that she still felt like her life was technically meaningless without her death for the sake of a cure for the salvation of the human race. During that scene she finally expresses exactly how she feels, what she hadn’t been able to articulate for years.

It’s important to note that before she says any of that, Joel disarms her. Joel asked her about the simplest of things, if Dina was her girlfriend. Then he placed an importance on her existence, by saying that Dina would be lucky to have her, which I believe Ellie thought about for a split second. She ruminated on her feelings, on how a potential romantic relationship with Dina made her feel happy to be alive, as it wouldn’t have been possible if she had died in the hospital. And this thought, that Joel could have been right to save her, that she could possibly agree with him, caused her survivor’s guilt to spiral and she lashed out at him with all the emotions she felt since he first agreed to smuggle her across the country years ago.

Then, in a turning point in their dynamic, Joel is finally forthright with her when he responds to her frustration by stating that he would do it all over again. As a result, for the first time ever, Ellie feels as though she can finally understand his motivations and the validity of his love for her. In his honesty, he tells her that her life does have value to him, even if she can’t see that herself. And although she will never forgive him for his transgression or fully understand it because she doesn’t see her own value as a person aside from the potential cure she carries within herself along with her immunity, she realizes that she can’t stop herself from wanting... From wanting to live, from wanting to experience the joys of life, wanting to just be human. Joel introduces a new purpose to her life, to simply exist without purpose and be herself and find value in her life as just a person living it. She can’t erase the past and change Joel’s choices that directly affected her in the end, but she can choose to try his suggestion. To live life, despite her guilt and despite how afraid she feels to do it. This late night moment of vulnerability between a father and daughter opens the door to them possibly repairing what was broken 4 years ago.

Her entire world is then shattered when Abby slams that door shut by killing Joel. Just when Ellie was setting down the path of finding the strength to move on and repair their relationship. Her survivor’s guilt was triggered and sent into overdrive by this event, because once she discovered that the people who killed Joel were ex-Fireflies, she came to the conclusion that Abby killed Joel in retaliation to him removing Ellie from the hospital and killing any hopes of a cure, along with all the Fireflies in the hospital. This essentially caused Ellie to believe that Joel was killed because of her in a roundabout way, as he would have still been alive if he hadn’t saved her, further enforcing her belief that her ultimate destiny in life was to die in that hospital. In Ellie’s mind, Joel died for a pointless reason, because she viewed herself as worthless.

Since she and Joel were the only ones who carried the secret of what really happened at St. Mary’s, there was no one else who could blame her or punish her for his death. Abby punished someone who didn’t deserve the blame and let Ellie go, leaving her to deal with the aftermath and that survivor’s guilt. In Ellie’s mind, it should have been her, but there was no way for her to have swapped herself in Joel’s place. So she punished herself in a different way. This sends her down her path of addiction to self-destruction.

Ellie had no way of punishing herself for her immunity for all those years, for surviving while others died for her. Abby provided an outlet for this desire. Ellie pursued Abby under the guise of getting justice for Joel but more can be ascertained from her constant push to find Abby, in her constantly doing things that go against her better nature, committing horrible acts and torturing people, debasing herself and pushing away those who love her or even putting them in danger while simultaneously traumatizing herself all at once. With every murder she committed, with every wound she sustained, she was punishing herself for being alive.

Each wound she suffered during that pursuit was like a high for her, an adrenaline rush. Each time she damaged her mental state even further with a new murder of one of Abby’s friends, she reinforced the belief that she deserved all of this for surviving. She deserved all the pain for being the cure, for being immune and benefiting from it while the world and everyone in it suffered. This is why Ellie can’t let go, even after her first encounter with Abby.

It was easy for Ellie to spiral in that self-destructive cycle. She punished herself for Joel’s death by pursuing Abby, which caused her closest friends to suffer because they were connected to her hunt for justice. Even when it all seemed to be over and Ellie tried to change. Tommy nearly died and wound up crippled and separated from his wife because of her and even JJ wound up without a father due to Jesse dying while helping her in her pursuit of Abby. This all contributed to her revisiting the same destructive path when Tommy accused her of not following through after all he had lost for her. Tommy started her self-punishment with that accusation. And once Ellie had the chance to think it all over, it was easy for her to return to the same bad habits. This is why she leaves and continues to pursue Abby, steeling herself against a near-fatal abdominal injury, doing whatever it takes to get to her, lying to herself this time, by telling herself all the while that it is in service of Joel. To repay his life that was taken from him. To even out the injustice.

Ellie realizes this lie when she is mere seconds away from exacting her revenge by drowning Abby in the ocean. Joel’s face flashes across her mind, of him during that night when he told her that her life had value. She realizes in that moment that killing Abby will not bring her peace, because the motivation behind the act is a lie. It will not give her life value or meaning, or purpose. Because her life already has value. Outside of a cure, outside of her immunity, outside of her saving humankind. Her life has value because of who she is, not what she can give to the world. And Ellie finally realizes that she must accept this to be whole. Killing Abby won’t help her do this...so she lets her go. She watches the boat leave as she sits in the ocean tides ebbing and flowing around her, thinking of how broken she is, how much she has lost and if she can bring herself back from the brink to find value in the meaningless existence she believed her life was for so long.

When she revisits the farm and contemplates all this while holding a guitar that she’ll never be able to play again, she recalls that memory, when Joel reminded her of her value. In that final scene, she realized that Joel was the first person in her life who didn’t see her for her immunity. Joel saw Ellie for who she was and saw value in her as a person. To such a degree that he was willing to risk all of humanity to keep her alive. She was then able to forgive him and know that he truly did love her for her, something no one else had ever done before him. And if he could love her for her, maybe she could learn to do the same.

#the last of us day #the last of us #tlou #the last of us part 2 #tlou2 #ellie tlou #joel tlou #riley tlou #dina tlou #headcanon

[actualbird]

nobody asked but here are my personal top five pat gill videos | a 2.1k word long post where i rank and review pat gill’s videos for just way too long.

Right around the tail end of April, 2020, I fell into the rabbit hole of my current obsession; Polygon Dot Com Video Content. As a consequence of this was being introduced to the phenomenon of Pat Gill. A dire consequence of that consequence was me slowly, deeply, irrevocably, finding myself attracted to this marionette of a man. So, I enjoy his content and I think he’s hot and that combined with the fact that some of my friends bully me over that latter fact has inspired me to do this: rank my personal favorite Pat Gill videos in a post that’s entirely too long.

Before I get straight into the rankings, I need to explain my process. 

First, I needed to narrow my scope. Polygon has a lot of videos. Polygon has a lot of videos with Pat Gill in them. If I didn’t narrow my scope, I would either go bonkers yonkers or have a list that would be kilometric in length and thus miss the entire point of ranking altogether. So, for my sanity, I am excluding any videos that are a part of a Polygon video series. This means no Overboard, no Gill and Gilbert, no Video Game Theatre, etc. If I included these, I would cry. I do not want to cry over Polygon Dot Com Video Producer Pat Gill.

Second, I need a criteria. If I just ranked videos with no system, I would find myself endlessly rearranging my list based on whatever thought comes out on top in my mind at the given moment. I am a disorganized person, so I need rules. I have decided that I will rank Pat Gill videos using the EEEH criteria. 

Entertainment. Do I smile, watching the video? Do I chortle? Am I filled with the embarrassing urge to show this video to my sister and derive glee from her laughing at the exact same moment I laughed? Entertainment is key.

Education. Did I come out of this video knowing something I originally did not know? More importantly, was I engaged in the learning process? I come from a family of teachers, so I have high standards when it comes to education. If I am to learn, I must learn well.

Exaltation. This is a bit of an oddball criteria, but it is important to me. The word “exalted” is defined as “elevated in rank, character, or status.” This criteria refers to how good it is at exalting, elevating, pulling me out of a depressive episode. That is to say I’ve been in a depressive episode for the past month and whether or not the video made me stop crying and brush my teeth is essential. Polygon video content has been integral to my serotonin production lately, and thus the video’s ability of acting as an audiovisual antidepressant for me factors into the rankings.

[BONUS POINTS] Hotness. How Hot Is Pat Gill In It? I felt bad, morally, ranking videos based on how good looking I thought Pat Gill was in it---because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that, and people don’t exist to be beautiful, they just are, and I agree---so I’m relegating this criteria as a bonus point. Standard is 0, because he’s always hot in my mind, but he gets plus points if he is exemplary in the hotness department.

The maximum score for each of these criteria is 5 points, making the perfect score a 15, but because of the bonus points, a 20 is, hypothetically, possible. 

With that out of the way, let me dive right into it. 

5. The fastest interview ever with Ben Schwartz from Sonic the Hedgehog

Entertainment: 5 Education: 2 Exaltation: 2 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 11

Pat Gill is a good interviewer, he’s engaging and fun and keeps the interview interesting, but this interview is particularly special because it seems that, and let me quote Youtube user AudreyN who left a comment on this video stating “ben schwartz consumed all seven chaos emeralds prior to this interview.” Pat Gill and Ben Schwartz’s dynamic is amazing, and by “dynamic” I do mean “Ben Schwartz absolutely just fucking dunking on Pat Gill for 14 entire minutes.” and it is glorious.

For Entertainment this scores a solid 5. Quite honestly the funniest interview I’ve ever watched in my entire life. Just the sheer beauty in the exchange [Pat] “You would use Sonic’s power to gaslight me?” [Ben] “Just you.” In terms of Education, I guess I did learn a bunch of things about the Sonic movie that I didn’t know before, but the avenue by which it was portrayed in was not exactly the most engaging, more like I was absorbing it via watching two experts discuss on a webinar. I would have given just 1 point to Education but I made it 2 because of the wonderful knowledge that Pat Gill can draw a pretty good Sonic in a few seconds. When it comes to Exaltation, I must admit that while this video got quite a few laughs out of me, it didn’t make me want to get out of bed and take a shower. 

BONUS: Pat is +2 hot in it. His short hair makes him look very handsome. He’s a spiffy boy, in this video. Very, very good.  

4. Pat Will Not Tweet at Nintendo This Week Because He is Resting at Home — PLEASE RETWEET, Episode 12 

Entertainment: 5 Education: 0 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +1 Total Score: 11

I know I’m breaking a rule I set for myself a few paragraphs earlier by including an episode of Please Retweet, which counts as a video series, but this is my post and I can do whatever I want. More importantly, this video is so fucking funny to me, it feels like it would be a crime not to put it in this list. 

Solid 5 out of 5 for entertainment. Pat Gill, alone in his apartment, drinking six cans of what I think is beer silently while the intro music plays. That scene in itself should win an Oscar. Sadly, a solid 0 for Education, because I learn nothing in this video except for the fact that Pat Gill is the type of person to put out a coaster and then just completely not use it. I quantify things as educational if I can maybe answer a trivia question with them, and unfortunately, this fact does not pass that test. In terms of Exaltation, seeing Pat Gill lie down on the floor next to his cat made me get out of bed to do the same with my dog, and with myself thusly out of my bed cocoon of sadness, I was able to actually complete tasks on the day I watched this video. Perfect 5.

BONUS: Pat is +1 hot in this because there’s something very beautiful about him being a little bit miserable. However, I do miss his beard when I watch this video. It is one of my favorite things about him, and it is not present here.

3. Pat and Simone Play Human: Fall Flat

Entertainment: 5 Education: 1 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: 0 Total Score: 11

I very much enjoy Polygon’s gameplay streams. I often play them in the background while I’m doing other stuff like doodling or origami, but this stream is special. It is special because of the moment at 24:00 when Pat Gill, in game, swings a stereo into a glass window, shattering it, while saying, “Actually, y’know what? Let’s talk about trauma.” and then proceeds to tell a horrible and embarrassing story from his childhood where he had to do a rap about Ancient Egypt. 

5 points for Entertainment. This is partly because of Pat’s tragic childhood story about the Egypt Rap (and, segue just to point out 33:22 the incredible moment where you can hear Pat’s feral panic when Simone finds the lyrics to the Egypt Rap) but also because Pat and Simone just talking to each other is so deeply entertaining to me in a very comfy way. I’m starved for human interaction, in this quarantime, okay. Let me enjoy listening to other people have conversations while playing video games. Education scores a 1 because, again, nothing in this video will let me answer a trivia question, however it does get 1 point and not a 0 because the Egypt Rap’s lyrics are in the comments and I did end up learning stuff about Ancient Egypt that I didn’t know. A perfect 5 for Exaltation because this video showed me that talking about trauma can actually be cathartic, given that you’re trashing a video game living room at the same time, and I think that message of not bottling up your experiences really helped me, in these trying times.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for the entirety of this episode, so he scores the standard 0. I’m sure he was hot. We just couldn’t see him.  

2. Why Bloodborne and Muppets are the same thing

Entertainment: 4 Education: 4 Exaltation: 3 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 12

Ah yes, one of Pat’s “x is y because of z” videos. He’s made a number of these and they’re all very good but this one is my favorite among them and earns a spot on this list because 1) I think puppets are cool and 2) I fucking love monsters. 

This video scores a 4 on Entertainment, just shy of perfect, because as funny as it is, it also gives me the vibe like I am being lectured by a professor who’s just a little bit off the shits. And we all know that lectures are supposed to be taken seriously. Which brings us to Education, which also scores a 4. I learned a lot in this video! Watching Pat Gill explain to me that children’s puppets and these horrifying viddy game monsters use the same character principles in different ways is not only very educational but is also explained in a streamline and easy to understand manner that I WISH some of the shitty professors at my old university could emulate. As for Exaltation, while this video did give me enough energy to have a meal, I did eventually end up back in bed for the night at 8pm crying myself to sleep, thinking “I’m like the slime scholar. Used to be a scholar. Now they’re slime.” 

BONUS: Pat Gill is +2 hot here. He’s rockin that basic ass monochromatic aesthetic and I love his look dearly. 

1. Preparing for Big Boy Season in Red Dead Redemption 2 

Entertainment: 5 Education: 3 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +3 Total Score: 16

Here we are. My favorite non video series Pat Gill video. The video where Pat Gill tries to make Red Dead Redemption 2 protagonist, Arthur Morgan, large. 

Perfect fucking 5 for Entertainment, which I’m sure many may find odd. Afterall, this video is told in a serious investigative tone reminiscent of Vox’s videos on current issues. But that’s the glory of it. The complete and utter ‘playing it straight and serious’ for a ridiculous issue in a video game. It is high tier comedy in a subtle, understated way that sings to my comedy loving heart in a melody so lovely, so wonderful, that it urged me to give this video 5 points for Entertainment. It scores 3 on Education, because I have never played Red Dead Redemption 2, nor will I ever, but now I know things about it. The information was also relayed to me in a very interesting style, via something like a crime procedural, and thus it was engaging for me to absorb all this new knowledge. Exaltation scores a perfect 5 because of this video’s beautiful end about existential smallness. No joke, but hearing Pat Gill say “Our bigness isn’t measured in pounds, but in the impact we have on the people with whom we shared the world.” deadass made me want to talk to my friends again after conversationally isolating myself for 3 days. Preparing for Big Boy Season has a special place in my heart. And there it will stay.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for most of the video but he does appear for like 15 seconds in the middle of it, and guess what. He’s hot. +3 hotness. Good beardage, good hair, all in all, good Pat Gill. 

So there you have it. My five favorite Pat Gill videos. If you read this whole thing, holy shit. You’re welcome, I guess.

#this is what im using my degree in creative writing for i guess #polygon #pat gill #pat gill thirst jail #patrick gill #nobody asked but

[citadelspires]

Finally Following Through On Explaining That MP100 Lumity AU

Aight so a few days ago I promised to describe the basic layout for this Mob Psycho 100 Lumity AU I’ve been thinking about. This is that.

A marginal bit of context up front. You don’t need to have watched MP100 in order to understand any of the things I’m about to say, but I do recommend watching it anyway because it’s a wonderful show and an absolutely essential experience. Anyway, for those who haven’t watched MP100 this is all the context you need, for those who have you can just skip to the next paragraph. All y’all need to know is that MP100 features people called espers and they all have these vaguely defined "psychic powers." The actual abilities tied to these powers vary from person to person, some people just have telekinesis, some people have special moves and abilities they've trained, there are people with fire, people who are really fast, a dude who's psychically reinforced a plastic sword to be infinitely sharp and durable, just, loads of stuff. All espers have the ability to see spirits, which are, ya know, the spirits of people who have died, though the level at which their humanity is still intact varies. As a general rule the more powerful you were in life (particularly in the psychic capacity) the more powerful your spirit is. Aight now to the actual stuff.

We’re gonna start with the Blight family cause they were the first people I really got figured out for this thing so it’s just fitting.  The Blight family has had at least one powerful esper per generation as far back as anyone can remember. They're an overwhelming presence in the esper community of the city they live in, though most people without psychic powers aren't really aware of their existence, as the Blights have always viewed themselves as above regular humans. For this reason a long time ago the Blight family gathered with a group of other powerful esper families to found a school exclusively for young espers so their children would not have to associated with "the ungifted." In the time since the family has relinquished a good deal of its hold over the school, having deemed directly running it a waste of their resources, as long it sticks around they don't really care. That being said they still hold a large amount of authority in the community. 

 Edric and Emira are both naturally gifted espers who've never had trouble demonstrating their powers and the 'superiority over the rest of the humans' that their parents desired. The only setback they've faced is that they trained and developed their powers together a bit too much. See, Edric has trained his whole life in using his psychic powers to create projections aka illusions, and Emira has power-based abilities, in which she can give Edric's illusions the full force of their imagined attacks. Separately neither of them can make or do anything worthwhile but together they're top students. Fortunately they've been able to hide that drawback from everybody so far.

Amity, on the other hand, has never displayed any sign of even the potential for psychic powers. Her parents consider her to be both a failure to the entire family and their greatest embarrassment. That didn't stop them from enrolling her in a school exclusively for people with psychic powers though, cause they would much rather force Amity to find some way to lie and cheat around her entire life than reveal to the world they have a talentless daughter. They force Amity to become friends with children of their choosing, who will help her cover up her 'failure' and they assign Ed and Em to watch out for her and make sure she doesn't 'destroy the Blight family name.'

That’s about all the background for her thing, and I’ll get to what Luz is up to in a moment, but first I’m gonna make a momentary stop to talk about Willow (and kind of Gus). Willow is also an esper, though she honestly would rather not be. She enjoys the affinity with plants that she's built up over the years but she'd trade it in a heartbeat if it meant she would get to go back to normal school instead  of this fancy esper school with all these stuck up superpowered narcist teenagers who hate her. The only reason she even goes anymore is because she doesn't want to disappoint her parents, who were just so proud of her when her powers developed. Though one day she did ditch school to go visit a normal high school, just to see what it was like. There she met Gus, who happened to be the only member of a fanclub for espers, on account of everyone else in the school doesn't believe in espers and think he's crazy. Well, there was this other girl but... She’s not around anymore. Anyway so Willow befriends Gus and shows him some of her plant affinity thing and he thinks it's amazing, and Willow has a pretty terrible lack of people her age who think anything she does is remotely notable, much less amazing, so she and Gus develop a friendship pretty quickly.

Aight, now finally onto the main event, Luz and Lumity. So Spotlight on our girl Luz, who just so happens to be a spirit at the moment. I'm not sure what actually happened to her to, ya know, unalive her, but it sure did happen. Still, she managed to hold on to the world long enough to form as a spirit, just through sheer willpower and certainty that she wasn't done yet. Essentially she dies and starts to drift off but like right before everything fades to black she just like, jolts back up like 'hey no absolutely not I had dreams and a family and there is so much going on here that I am going to see and do and nobody can stop me.' And, as Luz do, she decides to focus on the positive bits of this instead. 

 See, cause back when she was alive our girl happened to be something of an esper enthusiast. And the thing about being a huge nerd about espers is that she managed to do some digging on the notable espers of the area. So, naturally, she found out about the Blight family. And she just so happened to find out about Amity specifically while she was at it, and perhaps she had discovered this information about a girl her age belonging to the most important esper family of the city and decided that this girl would be her rival in the field of becoming the best esper she could be, despite, admittedly, not knowing how to make the esper part even happen in the first place.

So, now with a spirit body not bound by the laws of physics and other such inconvenient matters, she searches out the Blight manor, intent on finding Amity, this whole preconceived notion in her head about how this is all going to go, some fanficitony plot unfolding in her imagination about how once they were bitter rivals but now Luz will have to convince her to work with her so she can achieve her dream still.

But when she gets to the manor she finds it warded against spirits. Not to be deterred, she waits outside the gates for Amity and latches onto her backpack, waiting for a good time to reveal herself to Amity, though she questions a bit why the girl doesn't see her in the first place. She hides with Amity all day, surviving a whole day in a school full of espers who could exorcise her with a flick of their finger, solely because she was with The Amity Blight, and anyone who noticed her energy just assumed Amity knew what she was doing and left her alone. The drawback to this, though, was that Luz kinda got directly smacked in the face by her preconceived notions of what Amity would be like, and while initially she had intended to reveal herself to Amity in order to ask for help, after seeing her be rude and pretentious to literally everyone all day she instead reveals herself to basically just yell at Amity and get really mad. Fortunately for Amity she's not an esper so she can't see spirits anyway.

Except the thing is. She's walking home by herself, like she always does, and then she starts to hear this whispering coming from nowhere, getting louder and louder, until eventually she just hears someone yell her name out of nowhere. See, Amity had never seen a spirit before, but also, a spirit had never gone out of its way to appear to her before. Essentially Luz accidentally reached out to her and lit the spark of her dormant psychic powers (everyone has at least some level of psychic powers sleeping within them it's kind of a whole thing). So Amity spends the entire time Luz is yelling at her just, staring open mouthed at this spirit that appeared for her out of nowhere after 14 years of hell. She doesn't even acknowledge any of the stuff Luz said about her, she was far too overwhelmed by just the fact that after being a failure her whole life she suddenly wasn't, at least, not entirely.

Luz eventually notices that she is getting far from the anticipated reaction and she quiets down. At that point the two talk things out and, while Luz is still seriously disappointed in the person Amity turned out to be, she doesn't have any better ideas of who to talk to, she kind of needs someone to be her communication piece to the real world at this point, and Amity finally has something she can use to actually do things with her 'psychic powers.' Cause they've been awakened now, yeah, but she quickly realizes she can see Luz and Only Luz. So the two of them begrudgingly work together, each kind of starting off mutually aware that they're just using the other for their own goals, and being perfectly okay with that.

So that's the general relationship dynamic between the two of them at the start, and eventually they get to know each other better. Amity stops viewing Luz as a spirit and starts learning more about the person she was before she died. (Amity just calls her "spirit" for like, at least the first week. The first time she uses Luz' name is a whole thing). Meanwhile Luz learns more about what Amity's life is like behind the scenes and everything that's happened to her.

#Lumity #The Owl House #Luz Noceda #Amity Blight #Willow Park #Mob Psycho 100

[personalcoachingcenter]

Women in Leadership – How Can Coaching Support Female Leaders

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/women-in-leadership-how-can-coaching-support-female-leaders/

Women in Leadership – How Can Coaching Support Female Leaders

Lets talk about Women in Leadership

I would like to start by saying that I am very passionate about working as a coach with women, see how we think, dream, grow and change – celebrate our diversity.

We live in a very masculine world still and it has been my mission to investigate the ways we can support each other as women, get to know each other´s needs, and face all the difficulties that come with our gender when working as professionals. We need to talk about changing the way things are and dream big, to know that we can do anything we want in our lives truly free, liberated, intelligent, and confident.

  In this paper I will present the following topics:

The myths about female leaders

Difference between two genders

Female Leaders Coaching

Gender differences and Coaching

The Role of Coaching

Female Leaders Coaching Model – PASS

Survey

The Myths That Hold Women Back at the Workplace

Gender inequality exists in the workplace. As women we need to be diligent to keep the conversation about it going, talking about the diversity at work as well as how to build resilience. Inequality has been an issue for decades and concerns every woman that enters the professional career, therefore, tackling the issues has become especially difficult as we became desensitized, so it is essential to be bold and speak out about the common myths of gender inequalities as they appear.

The False Four (Common Myths About Female Professionals):

Women Choose to Devote the Time to the Family Instead of the Workplace

The assumption here is that women cannot handle the demanding family life and the dynamic work life. It is unfair to assume that a woman will not take the lead of the project because that would mean more hours or that the single woman has to take all the workload that nobody else wants to catch up on.

Having children is not an excuse to withhold a growth opportunity from a woman at work. Women are often pillars of our homes and our communities and children are not our excuses, they are our REASON.

Women are really good at multitasking. If you want something to be done, ask a woman!

Women Are Too Emotional to Lead

Women leaders are not too emotional, there is time and place that there is a space to show great empathy. A woman´s ability to show empathy uses thoughtfulness and her intuition is not a sign of weakness. It makes a very positive work culture and certainly does not lead to emotional decision-making.

Statistics on women’s leadership do not support this myth, Peterson Institute of International Economics of Business analyzed the data from 22.000 globally trading companies in 91 countries, showed that having at least 30% of women in leadership positions adds 6% to the net profit margin of a business.

Women Are Just Not Interested in Technology and Other Male-Dominated Industries

Women seek degrees in male-dominated industries at considerable rates but men are still preferred in the male domains more than women as well as receive bigger salaries than their female counterparts.

Younger Women Are More Valuable at Work Than Older Ones

This is not a competition. All women are valuable, and “when you are living and breathing you are not done”. Age and wisdom is an incredible asset.

Now, we need to remember that if you tell a lie often enough you really start to believe it, if we believe the myths and untruths about women in the workplace we will take them as factual representations of gender inequality.

The bottom line is that you do not have to accept the myths, the mold, the status quo, you can create your own reality.

Supporting other women is our mission!

Difference Between Two Genders

Men and women are guided by their own logic and perspective respectively. They think, act, and are educated differently. They look, observe, perceive, highlight and fulfill their needs in different ways. Some claim that the differences are due to socio-cultural, educational, psychological, and even biological questions. Therefore, one can start reflecting on the situation raising the question: Women and Men, two worlds or two viewpoints?

Social Viewpoint: Personal Relationships

Historically, there are different expectations towards men and women. Women are expected to provide support, be understanding and offer service, whereas men are expected to be successful professionally, provide for their household, be strong, decided, and in control.

Women´s satisfaction, in general, is related to their social interactions and their family bonds, so they choose to cooperate and accept that their contribution can serve a bigger purpose. Women need to find pleasure in their day-to-day activities, therefore, their professional life must allow for family time. The professional and family lives are integrated, they are one.

Psychological Viewpoint: Intuition and Creativity

Women use intuition as a tool when rational thinking is not enough in their workplace. Logic is indispensable to organize thoughts and emotions, however, it should not discard the intuitive intelligence, which for various reasons tends to be the female domain. Unfortunately, in the professional surrounding, intuition tends to be overlooked and its importance belittled.

Both intuition and creativity are mostly developed in the right hemisphere of the brain.

Emotional Viewpoint: Emotional Intelligence

Emotion – the definition says it is: ¨instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.¨ Daniel Goleman defines Emotional Intelligence as a person’s ability to manage their feelings so that those feelings are expressed appropriately and effectively. According to Goleman, emotional intelligence is the largest single predictor of success in the workplace.

In the research conducted by Goleman, it is showed that on average women have more awareness of their emotions, show more empathy, and are more capable of creating interpersonal relationships.

Biological and Organic Viewpoint: Brain

According to scientists the differences between female and male brains can derive from genetic factors. Neuroscience states that each person develops based on their natural genetic identity. There is a biological platform that underlies the existence of two kinds of the brain: a masculine brain and the feminine one. The differences are observed in both: the development and reaching maturity of some parts of the brain, especially when it comes to children; girls´ brain seems to mature earlier than the boys´ one.

Not only do the female and male brains vary in their architecture but also in a way they establish the strategies to process information and emotions but also in a way of generating responses.

Furthermore, the magnetic resonance shows that man has more grey matter in the brain, which indicates more activity in the left hemisphere and predominant logical thinking and women demonstrate having more white matter, which in turn proves brain´s activity takes place in both hemispheres simultaneously, which reduces the division between logical and intuition activities in the female brain.

Female Leaders Coaching

Coaching strategies depend on the coachee, therefore I would like to describe the various coaching niches/gaps where coaching can support and help women. The following issues raised here aim at identifying a few contexts, in which a woman’s situation differs from the men’s one.

The gaps that still kept in several economic sectors, where a woman does not have equal opportunities to access certain positions and the energy and effort invested there is considerably bigger than the one required from their male counterparts.

The limiting beliefs engraved in women’s minds about the social roles and the way they ¨should¨ act, speak, look, be as professionals, mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, students, etc…

Self – limitations that a woman imposes on herself as a professional, which can cause a lack of self-esteem and confidence and finally incapability to peruse her goals.

A very short history of female leadership in the world requires paving the way for others without valid models or success stories to follow, that would help to learn and navigate in the man´s world.

Personal attributes and leadership qualities are demonstrated by a woman apart from her specifically feminine characteristics that she starts to express in the workplace and that is perceived as an added value to compete and develop.

The difficulties to reach a natural balance between the personal wellbeing and of others surrounding them that is projected in the work-life.

The above issues raise many existential topics for women, which question their values, personal and professional behaviors, the meaning of their realizations and satisfaction as well as future projections like:

Could my life be different?

Do I want it to be different?

Which aspect of my life do I want to be different?

How far do I want to get?

What is it that I really want, what does it mean to me to be successful?

Why do I desire something?

Am I aware of the internal resources I possess that I necessary to make the change in me and my surrounding?

Do I have a plan for life to achieve what I want?

How will I carry it out?

How can I include the people I care about in this plan?

How will I know that I have reached my goals?

What can I do to keep growing?

Coaching that can recognize personal circumstances and differences can be most effective in this internal dialogue carried out by the women.

Gender Differences and Coaching

Psychological Differences and Coaching

When it comes to coaching women it is important to remember that women are more motivated and interested in:

Self-development.

Achieving objectives for the whole team.

Team success.

Working in the atmosphere of cooperation rather than competition.

Tend to take responsibility for the mistakes rather than blaming others in general.

Taking the above factors into consideration can help the coach relate better, understand the problem properly and assist the coachee in coming up with solutions.

Communication Differences and Coaching

The main difference in communication between men and women is the reason why they decide to communicate and what they are talking about.

Jennifer Coates studied discussion groups of only men and only women and noticed that when women talk among themselves they reveal much more of their personal lives. They also tackle more personal issues, spend more time on them, and make sure that all of them participate in the conversation.

Men, on the other hand, do not tend to speak about their personal issues but choose to focus on topics like politics, religion, sports, news, art, history, etc. Jennifer also noticed that when the groups are mixed men tend to speak more, express their opinions with more confidence, irrespectively of their status or position in the company. In contrast, women strive to connect and generate intimacy while communicating.

The Role of Coaching

Coaching helps to make choices in the professional areas, assists the woman to find the passion and the meaning because it is essential to be successful, happy, and truly accountable. Self–awareness plays a vital role in this process as well as knowing what your strengths and desires are, who you are, what are your values, and being able to assess yourself every step of the way. It is important that the women can dream about what they really want to experience in their lives.

A coach can also help the coachee in building their self-confidence but getting to know themselves.

Another very important way, the coach can contribute to the growth of a woman coachee is to help her create a support network that consists of meaningful relationships, and establish the action strategies focused on achieving her goals. A coach can achieve that by:

Embrace and strengthen the way the woman sees herself (self–perception) at work and analyze the ways, the woman can emphasize their strengths when establishing new contacts, feeling authentic, true to herself.

Plan and prepare to generate new contacts proactively, defining where, how, and when.

Reinforce the existing contacts, focusing on deciding where to invest best.

Differentiate the professional contacts from the family, social, and others because each of them requires a different treatment and involves a different bonding style.

A coach can assist their female client to find the balance between professional and family life, develop themselves in all aspects of their lives to become complete human beings, and build resilience.

Resilience

Women and men that bear the positions of Leaders need to face lots of pressure, long working hours, and daily challenges. The difference between men and women is that women go to work, “change the hat” and start their “other” job, which is exhausting and may lead women to reconsider their careers. Some women flourish, some other diminish under such conditions.

Resilience is necessary to work and maintain your skills up high. Resilience is a process in which a person can think, act successfully under pressure, and recover quickly, adapt to new circumstances, and even become stronger.

Women are usually very demanding towards themselves when working and growing, however, to be sustainable in the process they need to overcome several problems and obstacles, they should also understand and reinforce their support system, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Therefore, the development of balanced resilience consists of:

Cognitive Resilience: Working on creating positive beliefs about themselves and the world by recognizing the negative beliefs, extending their ability to resolve the problems, and identifying their strengths.

Emotional Resilience: Recognize and develop their own emotions and other people´s emotions and the ability to manage their impulsiveness.

Attitude Resilience: build sustainable networks, take care of the physical aspects in the moments of crisis and reinforce the self-esteem by focusing on their strengths.

Female Leaders Coaching Model – Pass

I would like to present a PASS coaching model, which I will describe in detail in my coaching model paper. It consists of:

P – Personal – Here, a coach and a coachee create a relationship based on mutual trust and confidence. It is established by being present and accepting at all times.

This stage is very important for female coachees as in general they are all about bonding and creating relationships

A – Awareness – Here, a coach helps the coachee to gain self-awareness through several tools.

S – Structure – Here, a coach challenges the clients via powerful questions, helps them to identify their goals, and accompanies the coachee in finding the best-suited structure and action plan.

S – Support – Here, a coach supports the coachee in following through with their action plan and becomes the accountability partner, a team player, a kind and supportive mirror for the clients.

Survey

When I was writing this paper I conducted a mini-survey, I asked 35 women, professionals, from different countries and various walks of life about their present job satisfaction.

My main purpose was to measure their job satisfaction and to see what are the biggest motivators and obstacles for them.

The survey consisted of 10 multiple questions and according to the responses in questions number 9 women rely on the family members for support when tackling changes in the professional field. That would confirm the opinion I expressed earlier in this paper that women rely on the family members and the relationships they have built throughout the years.

In question 4, it is so clear to see that all women know their skills. I mentioned in previous points that women seem to be more directed inside rather than outside and they tend to know their strengths and weaknesses better.

In question 10, women mentioned that poor promotion and development opportunities seem to be the biggest challenge, but not only, creating relationships with co-workers is another big challenge, which also proves what has mentioned earlier that women are focused on creating relationships.

A Research Paper By Aleksandra Kowalska, Business Coach, in SPAIN

References

(203) The myths that hold back women at the workplace | Star Jones | TEDxVitosha – YouTube

Desarollo y Coaching de Mujeres Lideres, Fabiana Gadow, Granica

Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman

Women, men and language, Jennifer Coates, Pearson Longman, London

Original source: https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/research-papers/women-in-leadership/

#achieve all your goals #best personal development coaching #business success #coaching #coaching demonstration #coaching women #executive coaching #leadership coaching #life coach #optimize your success #personal development #personal development coaching #personal growth #personal growth and development #secret to personal growth #success mentor #women in business #women leadership #Personal Coaching

[onestowatch]

Oston Pens Her Coming-of-Age Story on ‘Am I Talking Too Much? [Q&A]

Photos: Dolly Ave at Lollapalooza

Rising star OSTON is no longer sitting at the kids' table. In her new EP, Am I Talking Too Much?, the singer-songwriter puts her fears, frustrations, and deepest thoughts on display. It’s a victorious display of emotion sonically paired with massive pop moments, an ethereal interlude, impressively sharp lyricism, and so much more.

Am I Talking Too Much?, which has been in the works since 2019, has forged a path through a time of tough life lessons, self-realization, and most importantly confidence. The project navigates topics such as the pressures of growing up and the universal fear of falling in love in just eight poignant tracks. Overall, the EP tells OSTON’s coming-of-age story, learning when to not take things seriously and gaining the ability to spot those who underestimate her tenacity.

We had the chance to chat with OSTON about the making of the EP, what it means to her, and an exclusive track-by-track breakdown.

Tell us about what’s different this time around, versus making your debut EP, Sitting at the Kids Table?

Am I Talking Too Much? feels astronomically different from my debut EP in so many ways. When we were making my first project, Sitting at the Kids Table, I was really focused on creating a project and getting it out into the world rather quickly. The songs were written and produced with a very fast turnaround, and because I was so new to the industry, I was more than okay with that.

After that project came out, I started really digging into my artistry. Since Am I Talking Too Much? was written over the course of two-and-a-half-ish years, I got to choose exactly which songs I felt described this second chapter of my musical life. I went through some huge life changes while writing this EP, and I think that’s very apparent in the story arch of this project.

Taking “last time pt. II” into consideration, do you feel Am I Talking Too Much? is a continuation of the topics explored in Sitting at the Kids Table or does it exist in your head as a separate entity entirely?

This EP feels like an entirely new chapter of my life, just as I hope the next generation of music I put out can serve as something completely new. This project follows me on a journey of moving away from home, shedding toxic relationships and old layers that used to hold me back, and learning not to define myself by how others view me (or at least trying not to). Other than the name “last time pt. ii,” the two songs live as their own entities, and I’m really excited for listeners to discover that.

You have some special collaborators who worked on the EP, can you tell us about your creative journey with everyone who helped this project come to life?

I was lucky enough to get to work with some of my closest friends and collaborators on this project, which is part of the reason it’s so special to me. My boyfriend, Drew, executive produced the whole project (with me staring over his shoulder the whole time). Our great friend, Nydge, came in on two of the songs (“Am I Talking Too Much?” and “Sour”) to help spice up the direction a bit. I also co-wrote a few of the songs with my friends JORDY, lixa, and Mr. Popular—who all helped bring the crazy stories inside my head to life.

What are some of your goals for 2021, if any? Or are you just taking things day by day?

2021 has been an absolutely crazy year for me so far, and I’m lucky enough to say that I’ve already reached a lot of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year. For starters, finishing up and releasing this EP has been an enormous box on my to-do list, so finally having it out in the world is a huge accomplishment in itself.

Last weekend, I experienced a crazy, unexpected run of shows – I opened for Omar Apollo at the Metro in Chicago for a Lollapalooza aftershow, and then stepped into the official lineup of Lollapalooza on Friday at the Lake Shore Stage. I hadn’t even imagined playing my first music festival for another year or two! Another bucket list goal of mine has been to go on a support tour with another artist, and I’ll be joining my great friend JORDY on his “Mind Games” tour in the fall!

What do you want listeners to take away from listening to Am I Talking Too Much?

If you listen to this EP and take anything with you, I hope it’s the understanding that there is always room to make mistakes, and nobody ever gets everything right the first time around. We all live through our own tragedies, and that’s what makes us the badass people that we are.

Would you mind breaking down each track on the project for us?

“Am I Talking Too Much?”

This was actually the first song we wrote for this project. At the time, I was thinking it would just be a single, but I could never get over the idea of a whole body of work called “Am I Talking Too Much?.” It just felt so fitting with who I am as a person.

The concept came from a date where I was talking with this guy, and he turned to me and said, “Wow, you sure talk a lot don’t you?” I walked away reflecting on how talking “too much” and overthinking are such big characteristics of mine. But, it’s also a part of what makes me who I am, and I realized that maybe the people who love and accept me for that are the people I really want in my life anyways.

“Hypocrite!”

“Hypocrite!” was such a fun and quick one to write that came from one day in the studio with the amazing writer/producer Mr. Popular. We started talking and joking about the stereotypical “shitty ex” that gaslights you and tries to make you think that everything they do is somehow your fault. It was particularly fun and therapeutic for me because I got to pull from multiple different relationships throughout my life to create this one sort of evil, hypocritical character as the star of the song.

“I Think You Should Leave”

Man, I love this song. It’s such a fun one! I’ve never really let myself get as pop as I did with this one. Drew and I really just aimed to have a fun time writing this one and wanted it to be as out-there as it could. I’d call this the “party anthem” of the project, telling off all the haters and mansplainers. This is the song that gets the most hate on social media, and it’s quite funny to me that the main group of people getting angry online are exactly the demographic we wrote it about.

“Lie About You”

“Lie About You” was the last song written for this project. In all reality, the song was never supposed to see the light of day. After I got the demo back, I actually really hated the song and it felt way too personal and on-the-nose with what I was going through to ever release.

I don’t know what willed me to throw the demo up on TikTok (maybe it was the fact I was visiting home, drinking wine, and feeling sappy as per usual) but the next morning I woke up to a viral video and thousands of people asking me to release the song for real. That same day I was supposed to announce “I Think You Should Leave,” but my management called me and was like “Dude, we’ve gotta finish this one and put it out like, tomorrow.” and that’s exactly what we did!

“Hurt Like___”

“Hurt Like___” came at a time when I wanted to write something really sad and emotional, even though that wasn’t how I was actually feeling in the moment. I decided to write this alternate ending for my relationship with Drew—one where I had let my fear of things going wrong take over. I wrote the story of our breakup and how I thought I would’ve felt if we ended things when I moved to LA, instead of continuing to date long-distance and then eventually move in together. I’ve actually never written a song from this point of view before, so it was pretty challenging, but so worth it.

“How To Feel Human”

JORDY, Drew and I wrote this on a little trip to Drew’s old Chicago studio in the middle of the pandemic. We all had a little pink wine (this was also the same week that we wrote “Tomorrow” for JORDY’s project, so clearly we were feeling pretty sappy) and we started reminiscing about how easy things used to be when we were younger and living at home with our parents – even though it didn’t always seem like it back then.

We realized that as you get older and move away from your upbringing, the idea of “home” starts to become less and less clear. You start to find “home” in the places you move to and the people you surround yourself with, and the childhood memories of “home” sort of start to fade into the distance. It’s a pretty somber topic, but when you surround yourself with the right people, it makes growing up a whole lot easier.

“last time pt. II”

All I’ll say about this one is that Drew and I wrote it before our very first date. It was kind of our way of saying goodbye to the people in our lives that were holding us back, and realizing what we had sitting right in front of us. This song makes me wanna cry every time I hear it.

“Sour”

Sour is my unapologetically-honest diary entry to myself. Funny enough, this record actually started out in a completely hyper-pop direction with massive synths and drums, but I couldn’t get any of the lyrics or melodies to make sense. When we went back in and stripped it down to just piano vocals, this whole story started flowing out of me. I started asking myself why I treat myself the way that I do, and similarly, why society encourages us to be so critical of ourselves and one another.

I wanted to pay tribute in this song to one of my biggest musical inspirations, which is the Melodrama album by Lorde and Jack Antonoff. The outro bit of the song deviates away from the piano/vocal vibe and shifts into a very musical, ethereal space. This is where the project starts to culminate and become blurry—I wanted this bit to feel like a conclusion to the chaos of the seven songs that came before it.

Ending the song with the words “but I gotta go” felt like the best parting gift as I left to start another chapter of my musical life.

#oston #interview #am I talking too much? #singer songwriter #pop

[shadowfae]

There's gotta be people who lie in the middle ground between otherkin and copinglinkers, right?

This just reminds me of the "can people choose to be trans" discourse and personally I've never found the value in trying to find a clean dividing line between people who "choose" to be trans and people who "are" trans, like obviously some people feel dysphoria much more than others and it's important to recognize that, but that doesn't mean theres some "how miserable would you be if you were forced to be cis" test that can decide who is a Valid Trans Person or not. It feels to me like it might be the same with the broader otherkin spectrum, but admittedly I don't know much about the community?

That said, the otherkin community has been really cool and like, when I go digging in early internet history I often find beautifully preserved histories and narratives from otherkin blogs about communities and sites that people frequented. And that's something I'm forever grateful for. I'm glad that there are still folks out there who pass on that history and find value in those communities.

Okay so I waited until I’d officially gotten out of bed (yes, everything I’ve done today was on my phone in bed) to answer this properly.

The thing that I’ve never much mentioned in my place of this argument - and I feel that if I’m going to, I should have a few personal essays to publish first in order to make my point clearly - is that at least for me, my kintypes and my linktypes feel so different there is absolutely no way I could mistake them for each other.

That’s why I’m not calling whatever’s going on with the Xweetok stuff a linktype, because there’s no choice there, it’s just me getting hit in the face with Xweetok animality and trying to figure out what it all means.

My kintypes are intrinsic to my personality. If you leave me alone for a bit, or put me somewhere where I feel totally, completely safe, I go so feral it’s not even funny. I growl. I hiss. My ears, tail(s), and wings do all my body language for me. I walk as digitigrade as a human is capable of. I settle into the mentality of an animal, except for when I slide into dignity and divinity, or when you hand me a piece of technology and then I’m as gruff as a pirate and humming to lyrics nobody else can hear.

My linktypes? Something happens. Panic, anger, fear, terror. I am [insert linktype here], here is what it is correct for me to do, here is what I will do, I navigate my way out of it with grace, I handle it as my linktypes would. Things hurt and I settle into their skin, if only for a little while. When their skin is hard to settle it, I simply change it. Being Kiyoteru was a way for me to understand my own sexual awakening when I’d never been safe enough to recognize my own animality, until I fused it with Luteia kinfeels into the world’s worst coping mechanism (don’t do that, kids) and did some things I’m very much not proud of.

Being Yukari was an answer to dysphoria and social ostracization that served me for quite a long time, and that I no longer need, because I am slightly more comfortable in my own skin. It was a matter of personality and aeslinking: she was a moon-girl who liked warm tea on snowy days and pretty poetry and rabbits. I never had her connection to rabbits, they’re just pets to me, but when I needed it I could pretend to be near a bunny the way she probably was bunnyhearted, and I could be a moon-girl until the sun came up for me.

My kintypes are deeper than that. Ranisson and Pale do seem a matter of personality, being as they are the closest to human, except for all the places where their experiences built them from the ground up. As Pale I was a Devil without his powers that didn’t quite know it enough to stop reaching for more power. As Ranisson, I was a girl in a war that was going to end with everyone I cared about dead, and I almost didn’t care, because we’d all be in the hivemind and I’d never be alone again.

Kiyoteru and Yukari were not that way. They were blank canvases that I could change as I needed to, for the purposes of saving me from myself. Even if they’d had actual stories, even if they were more than pretty faces and aesthetics, I would have made them do as I pleased to get me through.

From the inside, linktypes and kintypes seem so fundamentally different to me that I honestly find it hard to see a middle ground there. I’m not everyone, for some there absolutely is a middle. For some, they really can just ignore their own nonhumanity and walk away unscathed. There will always be a gray area, a fringe case or seven, a middle ground where nobody can define where it stops. And I’m not going to be the one to lay down what that middle ground is, because it is antithetical to my entire existence and experience, and it’s something I will never understand for my own.

I insist that everyone be clear about the terms that fit them to the best of their ability because I don’t like being lied to, especially after I’ve placed my trust in people to tell the truth. I don’t trust a salesman, but I’ll try any answer on StackOverflow once. You give me an answer on SO to a complex problem that fucks up my computer, I’m going to be pissed. You lie to me knowingly about your nonhuman/fictional identity in our tags, I’m going to be pissed.

If people say “this is an identity and I don’t know how voluntary it is” I go “yeah okay fair enough.” If they say they’re one or the other, I say the same. If they say they’re one and their experiences match the other, I’ll point that out. If they proceed to insult me and tell me I’m a gatekeeper, I am going to be pissed.

And then if they proceed to throw death threats in my face, I will be furious. I think I have every right to be in that case, and I have no use for those who would side with that sort of person. That’s all anyone’s been asking. Be where you are but be honest about your experiences, and we’ll find a place for you. Even if you say “I’m a linker, but I feel better in this space for otherkin, are we cool with me being here?” the answer will be yes, and then we’ll probably bring you our questions about your experiences. That’s what we do. We ask about others’ experiences and we nitpick how they work because they’re fascinating.

We preserve our history because we have to know where we come from. We have to know we’re not alone. I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to read the history of the community they’re from. Now maybe it’s that I have no ties to my own heritage by blood, and those who do aren’t so interested, but if anything happened to our history I don’t know what I’d do. We need it to say no, if we’re crazy it’s not for this, that this is truly what we are, that we are not the first to have walked this path, and that those who came before us survived to tell the tale.

I am what I am. Everyone else is what they are. So long as people say that, then I have no issues with anyone about it.

#asks #anonymous #on wishkin #on terminology #on copinglinking #on experiences #you'd figure i'd have a catchall tag for my experiences #but i fuckin don't #Anonymous

[alovevigilante]

Life is really amazing if you stop to think about it. We have a myriad of energies and experiences to choose from. I’ve spent most of my life, in one to three energies at best: Meh, eh, and feh with variations of intensity. Now, I want to choose more, and better.

Love enables all kinds of experiences: people, who are all innately love, don’t always choose the love experience in their lives due to the 3D reality they perceive, making it their reality in most cases.

This is subject to a case by case basis. But most of us, even in the most dire of circumstances, can escape them with our thoughts. History has shown that time and time again with the heroes that have changed the course of the collective social consciousness’s momentum.

For example, mlk jr., Harriet Tubman, and others. They were so resolute in their thoughts and loving beliefs that their experience changed the course of history for the better just by their mere focus and fearless dedication to it. I want to be just like them. But I do it the way I know how, and can. And I contribute my love and sensibility through laughter, and writing my truth. That is my love, so that’s how I share it. We all have different ways of sharing our love. I admire the people who do share it from that place within themselves. And spread it all around to affect the planet. You can feel it, even if you’re not directly involved in real time. I still feel MLK jr. and Harriet Tubman’s love. Love is a never ending energy that we can tap into anytime we’d like. Just by the thinking about it, we can experience it. So I’m deciding right now, and right now and right now, to experience love.

I have to disagree with Julius Robert Mayer’s first law of thermodynamics, also known as Law of Conservation of Energy, that states that “energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another.” *(1) I believe that we can and do create energy in a 5D sense, with our thoughts. (5th dimension being our thoughts within our mind that create the perceived world we see.) in the 5th dimensional realm we create thoughts and scenarios constantly that formulate feelings that turn into energy that can be measured (in waves), thereby making it its own legitimate dimension. When we act upon said thoughts that have been created by our minds, we are sharing that very created energy for a mutually shared experience. But not everyone experiences in the same way due to their individual filters and past experiences. So individual results will vary.

We can also dispel or eradicate energy, with our focus on the specific energy we choose to experience. Energy can be dispelled within our own perceptions in the 5D, and eradicated once it’s realized in the 3D. You can refocus on a better, more positive thought within your mood reach. Like right now, for example. One could be reading this, and calling me a lunatic for my theories. But in my chosen energy, mostly positive, I have decided to eliminate any negative backlash and pushback to one’s thoughts about my beliefs, therefore having it not affect my behavior in the slightest, unless I choose to allow it. It can happen if I’m not completely conscious of my thoughts.

But I do believe Julius Robert Mayer is correct when he states his law in a 3D sense (3D meaning the 3 dimensional world of form we have mutually created and share in the physical realm), that energy can neither be created or destroyed, because it has to go somewhere. So when someone creates the energy in their 5D thoughts, and gives it to another with their 3D actions (words or physical actions), and it’s not accepted by another, it has to remain with the creator until they can get rid of it themselves with their personal focus on a more positive thought, or pass the energy they created, either positive or negative, to someone else. That’s why it’s important to create only good energy with your thoughts, so that if another person doesn’t accept the energy you are offering, regardless of the emotional charge, you aren’t left with a negative feeling.

The fifth dimensional theory is palpable to all thinking humans, because the whole of us shares that very same thinking capability, therefore that dimension must exist and be shared. If we are capable of communicating thoughts, the thoughts must come from somewhere, and we all think in a similar biological fashion (in a literal sense, not figurative) therefore we are all experiencing that dimensional plane in the same way; perceiving life through our individual filters, and with our focus to specific things, and acting accordingly. We do not necessarily share the same thoughts, but we do share the same process of biologically creating the thoughts. The process of thought itself, is its own energetic entity, therefore contains an energy source, which is created by us. Thoughts formulate the potential energy to create the things into 3 dimensional form which is the kinetic energy, in action. That is how things are realized into the 3D. It goes from consciousness, measured in waves, to us being the catalysts for creation. But first the thoughts need to be created within consciousness to bring the concepts into being. I read a wonderful bbc article about consciousness and quantum physics. Feel free to check it out. It touches base on the study and the proposed link of the two: http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20170215-the-strange-link-between-the-human-mind-and-quantum-physics

I only mention this because if we can create thoughts that create the life and interactions that we perceive, we have the ability to do better with our creations. The 5th dimension is shared, so it’s a common bond of humanity as a whole. There is no I, there is only we. We are all connected, and our thoughts affect and effect the whole, and do indeed matter to the betterment of all people. Cleaning up our thoughts, is what will change everyone and everything. It will effect how we interact with the world, and how we feel about ourselves and one another. Love does that. It’s the most powerful energy there is. Nothing can compare, or override it if coming from a genuine thought.

So, all that said, I want to focus solely on people who choose to experience love, and what they create: ie. music, dance, art, design, writing, sports, theater, movies, and building stuff, and all kinds of things that people who are inspired by love, do. It feels better.

And there’s more! There’s love in other ways too. For example, in service to humanity by helping, investing time, money and effort in kids, the elderly, animals, and in the environment we all share, even if it’s halfway around the world. It’s also investing in those in need, and those who have things to share too. Love affects, and effects all of us, and the lack of it does as well. Investment, if done properly, makes for a completely fulfilling life.

So, from now on I’m going to deliberately try to choose loving energies. Here are a few I’m trying out: kindness, caring, laughter, social involvement, and celebration of people. Cause I want to feel good, so that I can share it with others, and they can feel good too. It’s a way of life I hope catches on, and everyone becomes addicted to.

Everyone has their own definition of love. Choose yours, and test it out. Life is about experimentation. You are your own constant, even though as you evolve, your variables may change. And not everyone shares the same definition of love that you do. So seek and find your like-minded energies through the love that you are attracted to. See how it suits you. You can always switch it up.

People may judge you as crazy, or a joke. That is an indication that those people do not share your definition of love, or are not willing to share the same energy that you are choosing. That’s ok too. Depending on what you want to experience, you have a choice whether to accept their rejection, or move forward toward where there is love for you.

(Please note: this is not a personal rejection of you, because all people are love, so there’s nothing to reject. It is only a rejection of their perceived energy, and that only they can control, so it’s different.) So you do not have to take it personally if they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, although it may feel badly at first. Sometimes people aren’t in a place to recognize or accept love. And that’s ok as well. You will learn eventually, that the love is where it feels good. So move toward that, and allow them to experience the energy that they have created, without issue.

It is essentially their choice, to accept or reject themselves, by entertaining the loveless energy that they themselves have created. Also important to note, that loveless energy is both perceived and felt, so it’s good if you care about the relationships you foster to continue frequent communication and definition without defensiveness. Intention, is important to people as well. All of these things, are best done in person, because the added element of technology creates a barrier to humanity that makes it difficult in deciphering true intention. So put down the phones and computers, and talk. You can tell by looking in one another’s eyes. Cause the eyes don’t lie.

This post isn’t meant to incite anger or hostility. And however you choose to define yourself, love and your life is your personal choice. You will get no argument from me in that regard anymore. I have learned my lesson trying to argue my theory of love with a person that didn’t agree with my stance. And arguing, isn’t love, or a loving energy, therefore making it a mute point on both ends. I didn’t like how that experience left me feeling, so I won’t do it again... I’m just pointing out an alternate way to happiness if you’d like to try it out. That’s it. No judgement of your personal life choices or definitions unless they are affecting people directly, which they do. They affect you.

I believe that life should be easy, and fun. Define it your way, and design it to your liking! Here’s to the love. ❤️😎💪

*(1.) My affiliation is being an observing and active member (simultaneously) of the human race for 46 plus years. My accreditation is the fact that I’m a thinking human being with thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. I’m a work in progress, still in the graduate school of life. I use myself as an energy experiment, majoring in my personal love to suit the whole of us, with a minor in ways to achieve our collective happiness, and I usually document my experiences according to my filter. I use my energetic experiences to support my theories. (No snark intended.)

I just found this great article on this very subject: https://www.authenticityassociates.com/the-quantum-mechanics-of-changing-thoughts/

#energy #energy theory #energy report #choose love #love matters #love manifestation #self reflection #self love #self care #self esteem #selfworth #self development #self improvement #science #thermodynamics #theoretical #love yourself #love you first #change your world #change your mind