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deepdarkbrain · 1 year

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I've said just about everything to my therapist.

TW: all of them

Hi, my name is Ryn (they/them) and I've said just about everything to my therapist. Before I get into too much here, be forewarned, I don't want to pull any punches on this blog. I want to be able to share (just about) everything that I would share with my therapist. This blog is going to include posts about dark and difficult subjects ranging from basic mental health to suicide, self harm, substance abuse, etc. I'm 100% going to swear and say what could be considered terrible things. What I will promise though, is that I will always include trigger warnings at the beginnings of my posts and there is a permanent content warning at the top of my blog.

I want to be open and honest about these kinds of dark, intimate subjects not to romanticize them or to encourage others to follow me down what will sometimes be the wrong path. But to share my experiences in the hopes that it'll help someone else feel like, "Oh yeah, I'm not alone on this dumb planet." Having grown through pre-internet times to now, one incredibly helpful thing I've found the younger generations using is the internet to break mental health taboos. Being honest and talking about it, even with a little levity sometimes (I'm looking at you memes), can help.

I've been seeing the same therapist for many, many years now. We've worked through so many things; childhood traumas, hospitalizations, relationships, work struggles, and everything in between. We've had discussions about how shit the American health care system is and also shared wins.

They've had a couple kids. I've started to accept I'm not broken, I'm just really fucking neurodivergent. Not exactly equivalent to some, but to me, hell yeah. I'm killing it.

Here's a little background on me. I am in my early 30s and I've been dealing with mental illness (major depressive disorder mostly, plus anxiety, ADHD, and autism) for the entirety of my life. You'll notice I specifically say "dealing with" and not "suffering from," which is the more common phrasing. This is something I work really hard to do. For me personally, speaking about my MIs in a semi-light way and using specific language really helps me accept and advocate for myself. A psychologist I had in a group therapy session once told us,

Honestly that one statement changed everything for me. One of my biggest pet peeves around how people treat those of us with MIs is the age old trope, "Just think positively!" It drives me batshit insane. For one it implies that I enjoy feeling like garbage at random and destroying relationships with people I care about for no reason. And for another it implies that who I am and how I live my life is inherently wrong.

Something I'm going to tell you, probably over and over again as I write this blog, is that if you deal with any kind of MI, YOU ARE NOT WRONG. I even have to remind myself of this, pretty regularly to be honest. There is something that's going on in your life, in your brain, in your physiology that is causing this to happen and it sucks and we all wish it would just go away, but at the very baseline, it's not wrong. You're not broken. You're just different, and different is okay.

More about me, I am wildly queer and I will fight you about it. Not really, because confrontation is extremely triggering for me, but I do feel really strongly about my LGBTQ+ community. I truly believe they are one of the most welcoming, accepting communities on the planet. Personally I identify as pansexual/asexual/aromantic (pan/ace/aro) because sexuality is a spectrum and I love everyone and no one at the same time, and I am non-binary because gender norms are dead. Use whatever pronouns you want for me, this is an internet blog, who's to say I'm even a real human?

Something I've gotten into recently with my therapist is called "Internal Family Systems Therapy." So I'll probably bring it up a lot. As I am a mere mortal and not an authority on literally anything, please follow the link to read more educated material about this subject. Otherwise, here's my very, very broken down, idiot, tl;dr.

IFST is a type of therapy that centers around the idea that within every person's mind, there are separate parts with separate purposes, usually to protect the base part. Recently in therapy I equated it to, "a close cousin of Dissociative Identity Disorder," in that you think of these separate parts as different versions or personalities of yourself. For example, in my situation I feel that within my mind there are at least five separate "me's" that are all Ryn but also each their own Ryn.

Of course, firstly there is me. The very essence of who I am. Funny, smart, loving, and able to think clearly and rationally. This is the part of me that has been me from birth and will only ever change for the better. It is the base, the original. This is the part of me that wants to stand up for itself but most often gets overtaken by the other parts. Base me gets frustrated when people use MI terms flippantly (ie. "Oh I'm so OCD!" "I'm goth so I'm also depressed." "You're like totally schizophrenic!"). Drives me bananas. Just don't do it.

Next there is depression. This is the part of me that experiences deep sadness, mental anguish, self hatred, and many other nasty, no good things. Usually the depression part of me is equivalent to someone I like to call Floor Ryn. People who know me well, know if I tell them I have become Floor Ryn, it means I've gotten so low that the only thing I'm able to do is lay down on my kitchen floor and exist. It is not comfortable, it does not make me feel better, but I simply cannot do anything else. I'm nigh on catatonic. Though at other times depression is sobbing for hours and being unable to listen to music with lyrics for fear that I will start sobbing.

Because depression is what I deal with the most and what comes up for me the most, there's a lot to it. Depression isn't just emptiness, it can also be cruel. To myself and to others. It's the part that has been hospitalized for attempting suicide. It's the part that created the hundreds of scars that live on my body. It's the part that has told friends I hate them when really I don't. It doesn't care about the exciting plans the me part of me made for next week, it just wants to cry and rage and feel miserable.

Next there is anxiety, and this is the second of my more prominent parts. This part overthinks, panics, has meltdowns/temper tantrums, and tries to fix everything. It's neurotic and selfish. It's the part that picks at my nail beds. It's also both blind and hyperaware of everything around me. It's that toddler at the mall beating their tiny, fat fists on the floor while you're thinking their parent should be doing a better job parenting. This part is also surprisingly rational; it can be bargained with. It can be given evidence and shown that everything is okay. I find anxiety to be easy to manage on a daily basis. But I do have meds for emergencies.

Next is ADHD, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. This one is somewhat new to me. I've probably always had it, but haven't been diagnosed until adulthood. This part always has at least five projects going at once (I'm an artist and just a creator in general). ADHD can't pay attention in lectures, can't stay still, is terrible at exams, needs to multitask, and constantly wants to go off on tangents. It's hyper, impulsive, and generally content, if not good-spirited. It makes me question occasionally if I inherited my dad's bi-polar disorder. I haven't; I've been told many times by many practitioners. But the thought's still there (hello, anxiety).

Finally autism, and again this one is new to me. This is the part that feels like an alien because I can't understand why you feel the way you're feeling or fathom what you're thinking. It's the part I think that is the most ace/aro. It's the part that doesn't care about dating or sex and doesn't understand how you can't live without your partner for two days. Also it's the part that can't look you in the eye when we're talking and says shitty things sometimes because it forgets that yeah, it is actually human and has to follow human social rules.

All of these personalities of me coexist at once but can also present themselves more individually. They're each trying to do something for me. Depression is, to use another therapist's words (Kati Morton), "pulling the ripcord" to yank me away from a situation it deems triggering. Anxiety is working to repair and investigate to find a solution to the problem at hand. As for ADHD and autism, I think mostly they're just along for the ride. ADHD is kind of a bro, a Gryffindor (big Harry Potter nerd here). But they have their uses, I suppose.

Am I perfect? No, absolutely not. Do I want to be perfect? Not really, no, sounds hard and depression isn't up for the challenge. In thinking about perfection, I like to think of the Japanese aesthetic of wabi-sabi, which essentially means to embrace the beauty of imperfection. As an artist, I've heard of it mostly in the context of kintsugi ceramics where pieces of pottery that have broken -- whether on purpose or accidental -- are repaired using something that will emphasize that it was once broken. I've often seen it where the shards are attached back together with gold so that the cracks are almost more beautiful than the original piece.

So, to try to find a conclusion to this post, I am mentally ill. I have been for a long time and I will be for a long time more. I am not broken. I am not wrong. I am not perfect. And all of these things are okay. I want to improve myself, sure, but I think everyone should strive to do that, MI or not. All I want to do with this blog is share my experiences and the sometimes comical ways I twist my deep, dark brain to ease the pain a little in the hopes that someone else might feel comfortable sharing those things, too.

Because you know I totally want to hear the ridiculous and stupid shit you've said to your therapist before, no matter how cynical and morose. Seriously, so I can share it with mine next week.

#mental health #mental illness #trauma #depression #anxiety #therapy

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phandombigotryarchive · 3 years

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Ayo @madamefaust ? You gonna tell me why you're writing about the white ass french De Chagny's being involved in the SLAVE TRADE?

Playing into the tragic mulatto trope by making Raoul half Black for some diversity points? (See the word bastard when referred to Raoul's Blackness.) All for some fucking fanfiction?

Do you even know the implications of naming a Black/White biracial child a bastard and flat out stating that their white side was involved in the slave trade? It means that child's mother was possibly r*ped. You are implying that Raoul's mother was a victim of slavery and sexual trauma. You are playing into the tragic mulatto trope. You are anti-Black.

You decide to write Raoul as Black. Then you state that his family is involved in the slave trade in the description AND ON TOP OF THAT YOU MAKE HIM A TRAGIC MULATTO. How do you even sound? 💀 FUNNY how you only care about writing Black characters when it's to exploit and fetishize Black trauma for this lily white ass fandom. Much less, for a pharoga fic! (I know most of you pharoga shippers/writers are white. Yes that's a bad thing!)

Is you even BLACK too, madamefaust ? 🤔 And don't give me that "oh I did my research" I DO NOT CARE. IT IS NOT IN A NON-BLACK'S INTERESTS TO BE WRITING BOUT US. You don't speak for us. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO SLAVERY LMFAOOOOO

Let me not forget the fact that she based Raoul's story off the Dumas family. Alexandere Dumas was a biracial Black and White man who wrote the Three Musketeers. His Father, Thomas Alexandre Dumas was a born into slavery in Haiti but was freed and fought in the French army under Napoleon. Do you know how disrespectful it is to base a fictional white aristocratic family off a Black family traumatized by slavery and anti-Blackness for your fanfic? Did you know that many of these BLACK PEOPLE in Haiti suffered brutal conditions under slavery by the French? That many of them died in the Haitian Revolution obtaining their freedom. How could you be so disrespectful as to base off A FICTIONAL WHITE MAN OFF A REAL LIFE BLACK ENSLAVED FAMILY?? MUCH LESS FROM HAITI OF ALL PLACES??????

Do you think slavery is a fun joke? Do you think that me and many other members of my diaspora not knowing where we come from as a result of COLONIALISM and ENSLAVEMENT is something to use as a fanfic trope? Do you think this is a fucking game to you? That making an aristocratic white french family being aligned on the slave trade cute to you?

FUCK YOU.

This is everyone who left a kudos and bookmarked. Fuck all y'all. Notice any familiar faces? 🤔

I don't expect nothing from this fandom about blocking and accountability cause y'all stay being weirdly racist + colorist with the Daroga, interacting with transphobes and all other types of heinous shit.

So I just want you all to know that hell is a hot place if you keep interacting with this person. And madamefaust? Stay the fuck away from Black people and don't forget to donate to Black Trans Women if you even have a slight bit of remorse. I know you be interacting with them transphobes around here (we can see who you reblog from. I know you've seen the call out posts).

That includes the rest of y'all in this fandom too. Since we're on the topic of anti-Blackness, non-Black people in this fandom love to make and share fanart of Black Christine, yet they call and paint Erik as abusive while they draw their Black Christine fanart. What does that tell you, when you have a Black woman in a relationship or friendship with a white man, who you view as abusive? This implies that you want Black women to be abused. You people claim to love Norm Lewis' Phantom and interact with non-white adaptations of the characters yet you paint Erik abusive and depraved. So why do you like Norm's Erik so much, huh? What does that tell you about how you see a Black Erik? You people profit off the pain and consumption of Black people under the guise of your false representation. You are anti Black and cover it under the guise of, "we welcome everyone."

You don't.

You don't make Black fans safe with interacting with @filthybonnet an anti-Black terf as well as madamefaust who thinks she's so high and mighty as to exploit Black trauma under the guise of "historical accuracy". You don't make Irani, darkskinned and Muslim fans feel safe when you fetishize the Daroga or call him slurs under the guise of calling out racism. The monkey "jokes" aren't funny. You are colorists. You make make mentally ill fans unsafe when you demonize Erik's trauma. You make fans with facial differences unsafe when you demonize Erik's face. You consistently make trans women unsafe by refusing to stop interacting with terfs. We can go on forever.

And if you just scroll past this post, knowing what goes on in this bullshit ass fandom, you're part of the problem. I bet y'all don't even care anyways.

Anyways Happy Black History month and fuck the ph*ndom.

I do not like y'all.

I better not see not one of y'all ever interact with my fics. I'll see all y'all in hell ♥️ and I do hope all y'all block me too. That's what you're good for anyways LMFAOOOOO

Better not see y'all bum asses talmbout ooh "I love Norm Lewis' Phantom. Ooh, I love Derrick Davis Phantom 🥰" while y'all support this anti-Black racist white woman. You only love Black people when they're suffering or when they're performing for you. You consume our pain and trauma and expect us to hold hands with you while you view us as subhuman. Similar to how y'all treat Erik.

Must be why you like Black Phantoms so much. Anyways.

Oh look what we have here! madamefaust putting out some performative ass shit about how she "loves" Norm Lewis whilst writing the tragic mulatto trope ft slavery on Raoul De Chagny 🤔

(I won't delete this btw, it's people like you that make this fandom impossible to navigate as a non-white person. You are a grown ass woman. I'm sure you can handle the pressure if you can write a slavery AU. I ain't listening to your non-Black crocodile tears too, so don't come into my inbox playing kumbaya cause it's not gonna work on my ass. Go read a book on anti-Blackness if you're such a librarian or better yet? Stay away from Black people all together. I know you be liking and reblogging posts featuring and from Black people too. I'm not accepting no apology neither. Go take that up with my ancestors.)

P.S: A colonized person venting out their oppression via the medium they enjoy is different from a privileged person weaponizing oppression for their own consumption and enjoyment. The historical traumatizing brutalization of Black PEOPLE is not your little plaything.

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billiedeanhwrd · 3 years

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when i fell you were there, with your hands in the air

cordelia goode x fem!reader

summary: your depression is hitting you harder than most days, cordelia comforts you 🤍

warnings: depression, slight mention of childhood trauma, it's angsty mental health fluff basically

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first ever fanfic and i'm very very nervous about it, so pls don't be too harsh, constructive criticism is very much welcome though!! also i'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. i also have to add that this was very much self indulgent and based on my own experience with depression, so if you don't relate, that's fine, everyone experiences it differently. I hope you enjoy it tho, have fun reading <3

today was one of those days again. one of those days where everything seemed grey and pointless. one of those days where taking a shower was too exhausting. one of those days where it didn't matter if you left your clothes on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. one of those days where you isolated yourself. one of those days that seemed to return to you every morning for almost 3 weeks now.

you had been struggling with depression for years now and attending therapy regularly still didn't take away from the embarrassment you felt about your illness. cordelia didn't know, you didn't want to burden her with your subjectively "silly" problems. It wasn't easy hiding something so life consuming from your lover, but whenever you were with her you felt as though you could reach for the stars and there was no point in ruining happy moments with sad stories.

Whenever you felt really depressed and unable to function, you isolated yourself. Cordelia and you had been together for 7 months now and the first time she thought she had done something wrong which had resulted in you needing space from her, but when she confronted you, you reassured her that sometimes you needed some time to yourself because you were a more introverted person. While that might be true, you wanted nothing more than for her to take you into her arms and tell you everything was going to be okay again, but the fear of possibly burdening the already very busy supreme held you back from confessing what was weighing you down.

you were used to this already, you always kept your darkness to yourself, too afraid of being too much or being abandoned by your loved ones, while the rational side of you knew that the people in your life who truly meant something to you would never abandon you because of your chronic depression, anxiety left no room for rationality.

you were always feeling kind of down, but some days it was easier to cope and enjoy your day despite that... and then there were those phases where you felt unusually down, those phases that caused you to isolate yourself and wait for the storm to pass in solitude. They usually lasted only a few days or maximum a week, but this one had been going on for much longer. cordelia was worried, you had never needed so much "alone time to recharge your social battery", but she didn't want to overstep your boundaries and possibly push you away, because what you weren't aware of was that cordelia too struggled with abandonment issues and fearing she would be "too much" (which she could never be for you, you adored every single second you could spend in the blonde witch's presence).

After leaving multiple text messages and trying to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, cordelia took it upon herself to see what was going on with you. The knocking on your door would've usually startled you, but you had just ordered a pizza, too tired to prepare a meal yourself and assumed the delivery was faster than they had stated on their website. your jaw fell open and the door was quickly closed again, shit shit shit, what am i supposed to do now? the place looks like a mess, i can't let cordelia se-

"y/n can you open the door please?" she asked in her gentle voice. "Uh, yeah, give me a second" you replied, hastily throwing on a hoodie that had been lying around on your couch, coincidentally that hoodie being one you stole from cordelia a few weeks ago, something that made your girlfriend's heart warm up a little and relieve her of some of the worried thoughts she had that this might be your way of signaling to her that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with her.

"can we talk? i haven't seen you in three weeks and you haven't answered any of my texts... what's going on? you know you can talk to me about anything..."

"uhm, yes, of course. sit down, make yourself at home, would you like anything to drink?"

"no, thank you, i just want to talk to you"

you didn't have the energy to lie to the woman who held your heart in her hands anymore, you were terrified of her reaction, not only to you being mentally ill but also to you hiding it for so long.

"i'm so sorry delia, please don't be mad", you anxiously stuttered out. cordelia grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly, signaling for you to continue talking.

"I didn't tell you before because i know you've already got so much going on with the academy and i didn't want to pile onto that with my irrelevant issues... I was diagnosed with depression amongst other things a few years ago, it's something i have to deal with every day and some days are easier than others, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me and i feel like i'm lost in an ocean of a sadness so powerful, i can feel the pain on my body. I know it can be challenging to be close to someone with severe mental issues and I understand if you don't want to continue being with me, i would never want you to stay with me because you pity me or because you're afraid i'd do something to myself if you'd left, you're not responsible for my feelings or actions and i would never want to impose you with such a burden and-"

you stopped rambling when you noticed the tears flowing down cordelia's cheeks.

your eyes widened and your heart started pounding rapidly in your chest. "i'm sorry, was that too much?"

"no, no, no, no, no... it just pains me to know that you've been dealing with this on your own for such a long time because you don't value yourself enough to believe that other people might want to support you through your everyday battles. y/n, i know you, you're the girl who's always there when someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, anytime, anyplace, you always go out of your way to make others feel seen and accepted, why would you ever think that you don't deserve the kindness you so openly give to others?"

now it was you who was crying, cordelia was right, you didn't value yourself enough to believe that. you didn't actively think of yourself as less than others but that thought always unconsciously motivated the way you dealt with the things that were bothering you.

cordelia patted her lap, signaling for you to sit on her lap and come into her arms. you hesitated though, you weren't used to being so vulnerable and open with your emotions and it scared the shit out of you. you feared cordelia was possibly annoyed at you and was only doing this to get it over with and then get out. she watched you, while you were anxiously deciding what your next move would be, her heart broke for you, you looked like a scared baby dear when all she wanted to do was to comfort you.

"baby, look at me"

her chocolate colored eyes were so full of love, simply looking into them managed to get your heart rate down.

"it's okay, i'm not mad at you for talking about your feelings and all i want to do right now is to hug some of your pain away, so please, let me hold you"

you melted at her gentle words and understanding nature, cordelia was an incredibly smart woman, who went through traumatic things herself and even from that little information you shared, she understood you. she saw her younger self in you, so incredibly lonely but oh, so scared of being vulnerable with another person, due to the emotional abuse her mother subjected her to, and while she might not have gone through the same things you did, she felt like she understood your feelings in this exact moment and she wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe with her.

you slowly crawled into her lap, still afraid this was all a trick to hurt you, but when she started combing through your hair and reassuringly whispering "i've got you" and "you're here with me, i promise you, you're safe", you relaxed into her arms.

after about half an hour of laying there with each other, calming down and enjoying the other one's warmth, you spoke up.

"delia?"

"yes, my love?"

"so you're not leaving me?", you hesitantly asked.

cordelia sat up and looked straight in your eyes while asking "would you leave someone you love because they're depressed?"

"no, never"

"then tell me, sweetheart, why would i leave you?"

her response left you speechless, you almost missed her confessing her love. "you love me?"

she hugged you tight and pressed a kiss on your forehead. "more than anything, and please, never worry about telling me about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, no matter what it is, i wanna know, okay?"

you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and confidently replied "okay"

a few minutes passed before you spoke up again when you remembered you didn't say those 3 special words back.

"i love you too, by the way"

cordelia smiled lovingly and stood up to reach out for your hand and pull you up. "i know, now let's go to bed, we can clean up this place tomorrow"

you accepted her helping hand and engulfed her in a hug. the way she so naturally used the word "we" and didn't seem to mind helping you clean up your mess of an apartment made you more emotional than you'd like to admit.

And while you knew this would not be the last time you were overwhelmed by your depression, you now knew that you could count on the woman who loved you to stand by your side and help you get through even your hardest day.

#cordelia goode x reader #cordelia goode #cordelia foxx #cordelia x reader #cordelia foxx x reader #ahs coven #ahs apocalypse #tw depression #sarah paulson #sarah paulson x reader #american horror story #ahs fanfiction #ahs fandom #ahsfx #ahs imagine #cordelia goode imagine #fanfiction

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falcqns · 3 years

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Free Fall

Pairing: Henry Cavill x reader (first person pov)

Chapter Summary: You and Henry have a good talk about your future, and Henry propositions you.

Warnings: swearing, mentions of mental illness (ppd, insomnia, anxiety), mention of stepparent, mention of deadbeat father.

A/N: this one is very personal to me. i understand that not everyone’s father has left, and that not everyone has an amazing stepdad like i do, but i thought i’d worked with the plot. i hope you enjoyed! I also apologize for these chapters being so short, i’m battling PPD, and trying to kill time before my daughter wakes up lol

chapter one | chapter two | chapter three | chapter four |

chapter four

It was 4:30 am and you were awoken by the sound of your daughter crying out for you. But, as you moved to get up, Henry placed his hand on your shoulder to keep her in place.

“I’ll get her, you stay,” He whispered, and pressed a kiss to your temple. You sat up just in time to see Henry lifting your daughter out of her bassinet. You looked over at Henry and noticed he was only wearing underpants, which made you blush. You had never seen him this bare before. You had seen him without a shirt on, but not without pants.

“Good morning!” He cooed at her, and placed her against his chest. “Did you have a good sleep?”

Lavender smiled and waved her arms around on Henry’s chest. He smiled and brought her over to you so you could feed her. You pulled your daughter into your arms, and got her attached to your breast, before settling back against the headboard.

Henry got back into bed, and placed a hand on your leg under the covers, his thumb rubbing back and forth.

You noticed that every once in a while he would glance down at Lavender and then back up at you with a smile on his face, the biggest one you had ever seen on him.

“What?” You questioned him with a giggle.

He shrugged. “You’re beautiful like this. With her in your arms. She’s beautiful. And it’s hard to believe that you went through your pregnancy all alone, and gave birth alone-,” He said, but you interjected before he could finish.

“I didn’t go through labour alone. I had my mom and cousin in the room with me,”

Henry tilted his head to the side, with a knowing look on his face. “You know what I mean,” He said, and lifted his hand from your thigh to the hairs on Lavenders head. “You didn’t have her dad, or someone like that there for you. And you’re still so happy about being a mom, and in general.”

You scoffed. “I am definitely not happy all the time.”

Henry narrowed his eyes at you, his hand not moving from Lavenders hair.

“What do you mean?” He asked, slightly afraid of the answer.

“I have post partum depression. It’s not fun in any way. It means I get intense mood swings, I cry over nothing, I have intense anxiety and anxiety attacks, and I can barely sleep at night. I barely have enough energy after filming on top of it too.” You whispered, and Henry immediately sat up.

“Y/N, baby, I hate that you have to go through that, especially alone. I want to help you. Help take some of the stress of off you.” He said, as he wrapped an arm around you, and slid his thumb that still sat on Lavenders head, down her nose, like he had done yesterday. She unlatched momentarily to smile at Henry, before returning to her meal.

“Are - are you sure? I don’t want to force you into something you’re not ready for,” You whispered, and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “We’re a lot of work.” You joked. He chuckled, and leant down to press a kiss to Lavenders head.

“I’d want nothing more. I know she’s biologically not my child, and I literally have only known her less than 24 hours, but I want to get to know her, and raise her with you.” He said, his gaze not leaving Lavender.

You sniffles, but nodded, and pressed a kiss to Henry’s soft lips. “We’re all yours. But, can you promise me something?” You asked apprehensively.

“Of course,” He said, pressing another kiss to your head, and Lav’s.

“C-can we not tell her that she’s not yours? Atleast until she’s a grown up?” You asked. Immediately Henry smiled.

“Of course, angel. Can I ask why?” He questioned, and you nodded.

“I just- my father left before I was born, much like hers did. I have an amazing stepdad, who you’d know as my dad.” Henry nodded, remembering when he met him. “He always assures me I’m his daughter and nothing will change that, but growing up and knowing that I wasn’t truly his always bothered me. Especially when my siblings were born. It didn’t bother me majorly, just once in a while. I don’t want her to go through that.”

You heard Henry left out a breath. “I would do anything for you and her. I’ll adopt her. I’ll raise her like my own. Because we may not be family by blood, but we’re family by heart, and both you and I know that that’s all that matters. The people that you love, that’s your family, baby.”

You were full out crying now, and Henry pulled you closer. “Thank you,” You whispered.

“You’re welcome my love.” Henry answered, as Lavender finished her meal, and moved away from your nipple.

“Do you wanna hold your daughter again?” You whispered with a smile on your face. Henry nodded, tears brimming in his eyes.

He took her from your arms, bent his knees, and laid her little body against it.

“Hi, baby girl, I’m your daddy,” He whispered.

The three of you spent the rest of the morning in bed together before venturing to the kitchen. Henry hadn’t let go of Lavender since he took her out of your arms earlier that morning. He also kept pressing kisses to her head, which melted your heart.

You finally managed to convince him to put her in the high chair so he could make his coffee. He laid her down, and gave her lots of kisses before venturing away.

Neither of your felt like cooking, so you settled on cereal for breakfast. Lavenders eyes drifted over to you two every once in a while.

“Do you have to go and take care of Kal?” You mentioned.

He looked at his watch. “Oh shit yeah. Why don’t you two come with me? It pretty warm, we could take her swimming in my pool. We won’t be able to do that in a few weeks when we leave to go film in Europe.” He suggested.

You smiled. “I agree.”

The two of you finished your meals, and you packed the diaper bag while Henry distracted the baby.

Once everything was ready, Henry strapped the baby into her car seat. He put the pack and play, along with the diaper bag into his car. While you were digging around for the spare base you had for her car seat, he was making her smile with her stuffed Winnie The Pooh.

Finally, you found it, and showed Henry how to install it in his car, and how the car seat worked with it, then you guys were off to his house.

You had been there before many times, but you always forgot how big it was. He pulled into his garage, and immediately went to the back door to get his daughter out.

‘his daughter.’

That thought blew your mind. Just a few days ago, you were a single mom, struggling with post partum depression, with a baby only a handful of people knew about. Today, you had amazing co stars who immediately accepted your daughter and you even though you hid her from them, and most importantly, you had Henry. He was your boyfriend, the father of your child, your best friend, and your support system. It blew your mind how everything was falling together.

#pregnancy #henry cavill smut #henry cavill #august walker #mission impossible #i love this man

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batmomhoe · 4 years

Note

Hiya! I love love LOVE your stuff! Could you please do a batsis!reader where shes just come to the manor and is super punk (like dyed hair, piercings, leather jacket, all that jazz) and everyone thinks he hates them but one day they find her baking in the kitchen at like 1 am and find out she has the baking skills of a god and she was baking for them? Idk I like baking and thought this would be Finn

I LOVE THIS IDEA I'm sorry if it's short

Genre: Fluff || Warnings: None || Characters: Batfam, Batsibling(Reader)

Honestly, not gonna lie, the first time you walk into the manor everyone is going to be kinda done with the punk attire

Tim especially is mentally like "oh great another alt sibling that's going to emotionally berate me"

But don't get me wrong, they all keep an open mind and are nice to you

Well, some are nicer than others

Dick, Steph, and Jason are more outgoing and immediately welcoming than the others

Jason just really admires your leather jacket tho tbh

Damian is already Fed Up™ with your extra attirée but per his father's request he's cordial with you though keeps his distance

Duke is about the most normal person in the house and he treats you normally

Though he's most hurt about your apparent hatred of him (besides dick that is but dick is dramatic about nearly everything)

But... The night they find you up in the kitchen changes everything...

You decided not to join in the extra curricular activities the rest of the family participates in at night. The idea of fighting crime gave you a bit of anxiety and not to mention you didn't have an inkling of proper training beyond punching a few bully's noses in. So, you found yourself alone in the ridiculously large manor, Alfred being downstairs aiding at the batcomputer. It was obvious the family was apprehensive about you and it twisted your insides knowing you came off as abrasive and unapproachable. Though granted, the rest of the family did too, but not to each other.

In your short time at the manor you observed how easy it was for them to talk with each other, to joke around and play fight. More than anything you wanted to join in but everytime you spoke your words and actions just came out wrong, making you sound angry rather than playful. To make up for the confused ill will you decided to make your new family a sort of offering.

The Wayne Manor kitchen was larger than anything you were accustomed to, but that just made it all the more fun! Your baker's heart was in absolute heaven at the sight of the four ovens and stand mixer. This was going to be a blast. And so, you set about making various treats, your music playlist bumping in the background, adding the perfect soundtrack to your escapades.

An hour later and you had a perfect batch of muffins and tray of chocolate chip cookies setting on the counter. That was just the beginning too as you slid the banana bread and second batch of cookies into an oven each. After reassuring yourself that it was definitely enough food, you set about cleaning up the kitchen a bit.

"What the- Oh, (Y/N), it's you," Jason's voice boomed through the kitchen, his first words worrying that he was readying to attack an intruder.

A few of the siblings trailed into the kitchen after him, Dick taking a moment to inhale deeply, "Mmmm, oh my god that smells good. I didn't know you bake!"

"You never asked," you replied flatly before mentally cursing yourself you were supposed to be nicer, "I uh, I made this stuff for you guys."

"Tch, for us? Why?" Damian scoffed and planted himself on a barstool behind the marble island.

You took the dish towel off the blueberry muffins and moved them onto a plate, "To thank you. I appreciate you accepting me into the family. And I wanted to show that..."

Behind you, Duke gently approached you and held his arms open for a hug, which you accepted happily, "(Y/N)! You didn't need to thank us! We're just happy you're here!"

"Shut up Duke! Holy fucking shit. You can bake as appreciation any time you want this is literally like god tier," Steph proclaimed as she savored the warm muffin in her mouth and you almost thought you saw tears in her eyes.

The rest of your new siblings looked quizzically at the blonde and caved, each reaching for one of your goodies. As they tasted the creations you got an overwhelming amount of praise. Once again reminding you why you immediately loved this family. And as you watched them simultaneously scarf and savor your treats you knew just the way into their hearts: their stomachs! Though, unbeknownst to you, you had no baking to do, already firmly planted on the list of people they cared about, despite your short time spent with them.

#batman #batfam #jason todd #dick grayson #damian wayne #red hood #tim drake #duke thomas #steph brown #stephanie brown #batfamily x reader #x reader #reader insert #batfamily #batsib #batsis #batsibling #queued up and ready to go

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dumdumsun · 3 years

Text

Forever and Never

A/N: Thank you so much for taking the time to read this series ❤️ I’ve had so much fun writing this and am very proud of and excited for it, I can’t wait to see how people react to this. Um I know there are plenty of warnings for a first chapter, but I promise it’s not as depressing as it sounds. It’s just that this story can deal with heavy stuff sometimes, so I just wanna let you know that. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

Warnings: mentions of marijuana, death, sexual assault and mental illness

Word Count: 3194

—————————————

One: Hi, My Name Is

“So, what was your time in Pennsylvania like?”

“Uh… I’d have to say it was the best… and worst time of my life.”

“Best and worst, huh? Would you like to elaborate?”

“Well, I, uh… I mean, I don’t really know how to, like… explain it. It’s a lot. I don’t even know where to begin… Or how I would even word it or anything.”

“Well, you told me you like television and movies, right? You know those shows and movies where the main character tells the plot as, like, their life story? Maybe you could try that.”

“You aren’t… You aren’t serious, are you?”

“You’ll know when I’m joking, trust me.”

“Oh… Okay, then. Well, um…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi? My name is… (Y/N)? This is my life story, I guess.

So, if we’re going to talk about my life in Pennsylvania, we’re going to have to start with my life in Kansas, first. I had two loving parents that soon turned into one at the too-young age of nine years, when my mom died. I remember her as one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known. She had this way about her that was so carefree, yet she gave a shit about everything. You could never pin a thought to her because she never let you in on what was bouncing around in her head. She was stubborn and patient and lively. I miss her so much. I don’t usually think about her unless it’s a particularly hectic day, which I then resort to talking to the ring I wear on my left pinky finger at all times. Wasn’t anything special, just some cheap ring with a little emerald inside she found at a thrift store. It used to be hers and she’d wear it on the exact same finger. My dad said she’d want me to have it.

My dad is my favorite person. He isn’t the most… present, though. His mind is never set in one place, always racing with hundreds of unrelated thoughts. It’s why when you finally drag him back into reality, he can’t repeat a single sentence spoken to him. Regardless, he’s all I had for a long time. I never really learned what he does for a living, but I just know that it forces him to leave town sometimes. Well, more like all the time. Before my mom died, it was easy for him to leave for weeks on end, but when he became my only guardian, he didn’t really know what to do with me. It was like he completely forgot how to take care of a child, his child. When I turned twelve, that was when he started travelling again. I would then be home by myself for a month to eight weeks. In these times, I had no choice but to learn to cook for myself, go grocery shopping and housekeep. I became pretty independent at a young age. It wasn’t like Dad left me totally alone, though. He would call every two or three days and he sent me two hundred dollars every two weeks. Like I said, I don’t know what my dad did, but he was definitely getting paid. At the end of eighth grade, Dad had a particularly long trip to go on, so he sent me to Pennsylvania, where his sister lived.

Pennsylvania was partially the best part of my life because of my family. My Aunt Pam was like a second mother to me. She was never able to have another child after my cousin Jacob and she’s always wanted a daughter of her own, so that’s what I was to her. The daughter she could never have. I’d often find her staring at me with a bittersweet smile on her face, watching my every move with a sense of pride, but when I’d ask her what was wrong she’d only brush it off as her admiring me. My Uncle David didn’t necessarily view me as a daughter, but he certainly treated me like one. When he wanted to spend time with Jacob, he included me as well. We’d usually go on drives around the town, but I always fell asleep to the soft and serene music that filled the car from the radio. On the weekends, we would head down by the lake and spend hours learning to fish.

I hated it, but I couldn’t complain. It gave me a sense of certainty to live with a father figure who didn’t leave me alone every two or three months.

Jacob was like a brother to me. He’s a year older than me, which, to him, meant that he had to protect me at all costs. I always assumed it was because he always wanted a younger sibling, and I was the closest he was ever going to get to that. I always felt as though I’d never be able to equal Jacob on an intellectual level because he practically had the IQ of Albert Einstein himself. I felt inferior to him until I found out how much of a joy he really was. On the weekends, he would beg me to accompany him in a movie marathon. I learned that Jacob was a huge fan of Tim Burton (his favorite was Beetlejuice). He’s the only cousin I’ve ever known. Mom and Dad didn’t like each other’s families, so I never met anyone besides this little family. Moving in with them meant that they’d have this huge burden on them.

Yes, I almost forgot to mention that I struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. It just means that my mind is flooded with these crazy and unnecessary thoughts and so my behavior is affected by them. For example, if I were to blink and felt I put more pressure on my left eye than my right, I would have to repeatedly wink with my right eye until they felt balanced. Sometimes I can’t enter a room until I have inhaled eight times. If I scratch an itch on my left knee, I have to scratch the right one in the exact same place. At the sink, even if I don’t use both knobs, I have to hold both in my hands. And when I turn them off, I often have to check about four times before I am certain they’re turned off all the way. I know, it sounds tiring. Just imagine being on my end, having it be a part of who you are. I can’t do anything to stop it, I wish I could. I was always afraid to make friends because of this. If I couldn’t be balanced, I’d freeze, and I mean actually stop whatever I’m doing and stand still, until my body felt as if I were balanced once again. Who wouldn’t make fun of me for this?

Apparently, no one gave a shit about it. After moving to Pennsylvania, I made quite a name for myself at school. Literally. My name was Zip. I have no fucking clue how that ridiculous name came to be, but that’s what I went by day after day. One could say I was considered popular, but it wasn’t like I actually spoke to anyone. When it came to extracurriculars, I only participated in theatre. I never was part of the cast, just the stage manager. Secretly, I wanted so badly to audition and be a part of the magic they created on that stage. Not to boast or anything, but I had the talent and potential to be a starring role. But I could never bring myself to break out of my shell. Nonetheless, being stage manager still got me quite the attention. Everyone was always so nice to me, so I felt a little bad for not considering any of them as friends. That was until I met Dina.

Dina was new to our school sophomore year. She had this sort of light to her that attracted the pesky moths that were our dull and boring school body. We had the same social status in school. People liked our personalities, so we were well-liked and accepted without doing much to prove ourselves worthy. She was sweet and compassionate and so fun. I didn’t mean to become her friend, but she was so welcoming, despite being the newcomer. We became close friends, but not best friends. We already had people filling those roles.

Dina’s best friend was Sydney Novak. Sydney moved to Brownsville around the same time as Dina, so the two became best friends quickly, but Sydney wasn’t very popular at all. She was shy and introverted, but I thought she was nice enough. I liked her and thought she was a pretty cool person. We weren’t necessarily friends, we were just well acquainted simply because we were both close with Dina. The transitive property, if you would. I just wish we could’ve talked more, our relationship was pretty much nonexistent.

Speaking of nonexistent relationships, let’s talk about Richard Berry. I honestly don’t want to even think about him, but he played a role in my life that was too vital to just offhandedly mention. For some odd reason, Ricky Berry was absolutely in love with me. It was so obvious to everyone except for me. Sophomore year, he expressed his love through the most arrogant and cheesiest of pick-up lines and compliments. I wasn’t so easily won over, if you could guess. I tried being good friends with him, but he’d always fuck it up when he tried to initiate intimacy. I didn’t want to hold hands with him in the halls or receive “friendly” cheek kisses. I’m not what you would call affectionate, especially towards people I’m not close to. It’s just never been comfortable for me. Junior year, everyone around me was buzzing with excitement when they heard Ricky was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. The cheerleaders, who got to know him through his high school football career, constantly pestered me with reasons as to why I would be so lucky to date The Richard Berry. Granted, he became less of a dick junior year, so I thought, Why not?, and accepted. Being in a relationship with Ricky was the most one-sided… anything I had ever been a part of. He was undeniably enamored with me, but I couldn’t find it in myself to reciprocate those feelings. He would show me off to his family and friends like a trophy, but if someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I’d go, “I mean, yeah. I guess”, so not a very healthy relationship. It also didn’t help that Ricky knew nothing about boundaries.

One night, we were in his bedroom, studying for a science test. Ricky wasn’t focused at all and kept trying to kiss and cuddle with me. I let him for awhile, but then he took my book from me and set it on the ground beside his bed. He suggested we have sex right then and there. Now, I was never a prude and definitely didn’t wait to have sex for the first time, but I never wanted Ricky to be my first. He hadn’t earned enough of my trust to even touch me suggestively. So, of course I refused. Ricky only took that as me teasing him, so he advanced, nearly forcing himself on me. Using all my might, I shoved him off of the bed. He stood to his feet, utterly confused, but I only gathered my things and left his house. He tried following after me, but I ignored him until he turned and went back into his home. The next day at school, he was holding me and kissing me and showing me off to everyone like he always did. As if nothing happened between us the night before. It was difficult to do, since he was so inconsiderate, but I managed to break up with him. He tried to deny that we were Splitsville for about a week, but everyone caught wind of our break-up. Once everyone knew about it, it became true for him. I never really felt comfortable with being intimate or open with guys after that.

Besides with Stanley Barber, of course. Stan was my best friend in the entire world. I told only my deepest, darkest secrets to him. And he told me his. The only things we really had in common were our lack of mothers and our hideous bacne. Stan lived a few houses down and was eager to get to know me a week after I moved in. I’d never met anyone in my life like Stan. He was so awkward, but loveable. I don’t know, I guess he reminded me of my mom. The way he didn’t care, but he so clearly did. Whenever I wanted to talk about something that was difficult to voice, we’d smoke to ease the tension. Of course, this wasn’t how we always communicated. Despite his nervous stuttering, he was easy to open up to. Stan provided a sort of security in my life. He was never going to leave me and that put me at ease when hanging out with him, which we did regularly. I don’t know when exactly I developed a crush on him, but I never wanted it to surface in our bond. He was to never know. It was just a stupid crush, right? He was a guy who wasn’t family and was so unbelievably caring towards me. It was bound to happen, but that didn’t mean he had to be aware of it. Though, it was a little hard to keep such a secret when we’d both made out twice already. The first time was while I was dating Ricky, the kiss was very awkward and ended after about a minute and a half. The second kiss was just half a week after my breakup. That time, we’d both known what we were doing. And I may be a little biased, but you couldn’t have even thought to fake the passion in that makeout session. We never talked about either of those kisses and remained friends both times. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that we didn’t become anything more afterwards. It was for the best, though, because two weeks before spring break, my dad returned from his job in Georgia and moved me to Kansas again. The move was so abrupt that I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to anyone besides my family.

My life in Kansas for the second time was something I’d never want to experience ever again. Since it was a little late in the year, I finished junior year online. For some unexplained reason, my dad had us get new phones and new numbers, so I lost all contact with my friends. I had no one to talk to and it wasn’t like my dad paid much attention to me. I remember spending every waking moment with him when I was younger, talking or playing games or watching television. It used to be so fun being his daughter, but when we moved back to Kansas, I just felt like this huge burden in his life. Our relationship was strained and he clearly had other priorities in his life. Like whatever he left back in Georgia. I’d see his phone ring and the same number from that state would pop up before he’d leave the room and privately talk with whoever. It wasn’t the secrecy that was off-putting to me, it was the fact that it was so much more important to him. Once again, I was ignored by the one person in my life I wanted to spend the most time with. So, you can imagine the joy I felt when Dad had to go back to Georgia for work. I had been attending public school for my senior year and left not even a full month in. It didn’t bother me, I had no friends and nothing to leave behind. Mid-September was when I moved back to Brownsville with Aunt Pam. Everyone accepted me right back in. Especially my classmates. As I walked the halls I heard whispers like,

“Oh, my god, is that Zip?”

“Zip’s back! Where’d she even go?”

“I thought she died.”

The only person I really wanted to notice me was Stan. I missed him so much, I even got into his favorite band to have something to remember him by. I remember the day I got back to my aunt’s house. Jacob had picked me up from the airport and was driving me to the house. He was attending community college, but was still living with his parents. As we drove, he tapped his index fingers rhythmically to the shitty pop music that played on the radio. “So, what are you excited about for senior year?”

“Not much, I just missed Dina and Stan. Theatre, too. I wonder how they’ve been doing without me.” I chuckled. Jacob huffed in amusement.

“But you didn’t miss Ricky?”

“Fuck, Jake, you know I didn’t miss him for a second.” I frowned, waving my hand in dismissal. My cousin tauntingly laughed at me. Had he actually known about what happened between Ricky and I, he wouldn’t have teased me. In fact, Ricky wouldn’t even be alive that day if Jacob found out. No one knew about the incident, not even Stan.

Pulling up in front of the house, we got out of the car and headed to the trunk to pull out my bags. I tried carrying them in, but Jacob insisted that he do all the heavy lifting and simply asked me to carry my backpack and close the trunk. I did what little I was asked of and headed to the front door to greet my aunt and uncle inside, but stopped. In the corner of my eye, I saw movement from the Barber residence. Turning, my eyes locked on Stanley, who was frozen beside his car. He was wearing his work uniform and staring at me with the most bewildered expression on his face. It was like he thought himself to be hallucinating my existence. Smiling, I simply waved at him before walking back inside. When he got home from work that night, he headed over to my house and knocked on the door. I answered with a grin on my face. “Stan!”

“If it isn’t the famous Zip, showing back up in my life.”

“Ugh, do not call me that.” I rolled my eyes playfully before bringing him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin at the top of my head. I would’ve stayed there all night if I could’ve. When Stanley pulled away, my heart hollowed and a pit formed within my stomach. I felt unfinished, unbalanced. And I hate imbalance. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I accepted his offer. All we did was lay on his floor, listen to music and get high, but in that moment, that’s all I needed.

Bloodwitch, a joint, and Stan laying by my side.

—————————————

Taglist: @melinda-hargreeves @sapphicsyn @stqnley @lonely-kermit

#i am not okay with this #ianowt #stanley barber #stanley barber x reader #wyatt oleff #wyatt oleff x reader #i am not okay with this x reader #ianowt x reader #ianowt fanfic #ianowt stanley barber #forever and never

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vee-is-a-writter-now · 4 years

Text

The way you said “I love you”

Summary: All the times you and Zuko said I love you to eachother, sometimes without even actually saying it.

A/N: I was feeling a little uninspired while trying to write pt.4 of Fools, so I decided to write something else in the mean time. I saw someone did this and I found it so adorable I decided to do it too. Sadly I only saved the original post and not the hc that was inspired in it, so if you know who came up with this pls @ them so I can credit them.

Side note, I had more ideas for some of the other prompts but didn’t want to make this excessively long, so maybeeee I’ll make another one of these but we’ll see.

original post

-IF YOU HAVE ANY REQUESTS DONT HESITATE TO ASK-

As a hello

It was late on the night the gaang had finally agreed to let Zuko join them. They hadn’t been specially trustful or accepting of him, but they let him join, and that was what mattered to Zuko, he’ll work his way up to everything else.

He couldn’t sleep, thoughts about everything that had happened and everything that would happen running around in his mind. The stars above him glimmered in wonderful harmony, the time of the year where the sun would be more forgiving at day and the nights would gain a growing coolness to them came around.

Lost in his head, Zuko was startled when he heard you take a sit next to him. You were the only one in the group who Zuko didn’t know that well. He’d only seen you a handful of times before that night and couldn’t really tell on what ground he stood with you.

You handed him a blanket with one hand while you held your own around your back and over your shoulders with the other. “Didn’t want you to freeze to death on your first night.” You explained when you saw the confused look of his face.

“I’m a fire bender, I don’t get cold.” He replied taking only a couple of seconds to mentally slap himself for being rude. This being a good guy thing was gonna take some practice.

“Oh” you said, the realization of his words hitting you, feeling a little dumb for not thinking about it before.

“But thanks...anyways” Zuko tried to redeem himself, hoping he didn’t make a bad impression on the one person who didn’t hate him already.

“Yeah, no problem.” Your eyes drifted up to the stars too. They were prettier tonight, maybe it was because of how peaceful things felt for once. A deep sigh forced you to turn your attention back to the dark haired boy. “Are you ok?” You asked him, hoping he wouldn’t feel like you’re intruding.

“Yeah, just...worried. Katara still hates me, Sokka doesn’t trust me and Aang only keeps me around because he needs me. I’m not complaining, I just... don’t know how to show them I’ve changed.”

“I’m sure Katara is gonna come around eventually, she has too much of a big heart to stay mad at anyone for too long. Aang is the one that convinced everyone to let you join, so I think he does like you, and Sokka is...well, Sokka, I wouldn’t worry about it” you reassured him.

Zuko gave your words a thought. You were right, but things were still complicated. He looked at you and asked. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

You looked away from his gaze, his golden eyes were a bit intimidating if you were honest. “I...don’t know. I guess I just believe you when you say you’ve changed. I see good in you... I always have, even when we were running away from you. All of us have done things in the past we aren’t too proud of, some of them may be worse than others, but we’re all here now, and we’re all trying to do the right thing. I think that on its own makes you worthy of a second chance.”

Your words shocked Zuko. No one besides his uncle had been that kind to him in a long time. He felt hope inside, if someone as kind and good as you could forgive him, think that he could be redeemed, then he hoped everyone else would too. “I...thank you. I promise I won’t disappoint you... any of you.”

“You and I can start on a blank slate, as a matter of fact” you extended your hand to him. “Hi, I’m Y/N, very nice to meet you.”

Zuko chuckled very lightly at the weird way you had decided to show how it was a new beginning for the both of you, but played along. “I’m Zuko, it’s very nice to meet you too.”

When the broken glass litters the floor

It was your first day on the Ember Island’s house. Katara and you had been cooking with the groceries Sokka and Suki brought from the market. You two weren’t experts but you had gotten so much better by then. Katara decided to go outside with a basket of cabbages to feed Appa and told you to stay and check on the food so it wouldn’t burn.

No more than a few minutes passed before you heard Zuko coming inside from where he had been training with Aang. He took his shirt off at some point during the training, leaving his naked and muscular torso was exposed.

You tried your best not to stare but you couldn’t help the blush that took over your face when you looked up to his eyes and found him staring right back. His cheeks were blushed as well and you decided for your own sake to assume it was from the physical activity.

“Hey...um, do you mind pouring me a glass of water, please?” He asked softly, his voice a tad raspier from him being out of breath.

“Yeah sure.” You managed to say.

When you turned around to get a glass for him your arm bumped into a glass vase that was incredibly bad placed, throwing it off from where it had been resting. One of your feet was already lifted when the vase crashe onto the floor and into a million pieces, which made you nearly lose your balance and step right on the fragments. In a fraction of a second you felt Zuko’s hand grabbing your wrist and pulling you back, which made you very strongly land on his chest. His other hand instantly moved to the small of your back, as if he was scared you would fall without his support.

His eyes met yours as you raised your head to look at him, your faces closer than they’d ever been before. Both of you held your breath for a few seconds before you broke the silence. “thank you.” You muttered softly not wanting to move a single muscle.

“You’re welcome” Zuko replied in the same tone, softening the grip on your wrist.

The moment would’ve lasted way longer had Katara not stormed into the kitchen after hearing the sound of breaking glass.

“I left you in the kitchen alone for ONE SECOND!”

Not said to me

Zuko had clearly been avoiding you the past couple of days. Was it the war that was starting to gain weight inside his head? Was it how close you two had started to get all of the sudden? Was it something you did? You didn’t know for sure, but you knew you didn’t like the feeling of it, at all.

He told everyone one morning he wasn’t feeling great, so he would stay inside instead of spending the day at the beach like the rest of you had planned. This was your chance to get him alone and try to talk.

You decided to make him a special tea recipe you’d picked up from Iroh at some point, he said it was a miracle when it came to curing illness. When you tried it you were surprised from how good it ended up tasting. You poured it into a teapot and grabbed a couple of cups, proceeding to take them upstairs where Zuko’s room was.

You were about to walk right in when you heard Sokka voice coming from inside, realizing the door was only half open.

“You can’t do nothing, dude. What kind of dumb ass plan is that?” He said whisper-screaming.

“I’m not telling her.” Zuko replied in a voice so low you almost couldn’t hear him.

“Why not? She clearly likes you back, you know that, I know that, and everyone else does too. The two of you are the only ones who keep acting like it isn’t obvious.”

You wonder who they could possibly be talking about, a small pit of jealousy forming inside of you.

“You don’t know that for sure, and I’m not losing Y/N’s friendship just cause I was dumb enough to crush on her. Trying to get over it is better than getting rejected and ruining everything, I like her too much to do that.” as soon as you heard your name your heart stopped.

Zuko... liked you. He liked you and was scared you didn’t like him back. How could he ever think that? Sometimes you felt like you were too obvious about it, but it was hard not to. It was his golden eyes, probably the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen, how they looked like growing flames when the sun hit them, the little dark spots around the rim of his irises, how they looked at you intensely like if when you talked everything else faded. It was the way he would throw his head back when he laughed, but only when you made him laugh really hard, how his face glowed with a youthful tint, like he was a normal teenager even though you were in the middle of a war, and how when he stopped laughing he had to take a deep breath before letting the laugh die down. It was the way he talked about his mom with such love and adoration, or how he talked about the future with a little bit of fear but mostly hope. It was the way he was always ready to run to you if you needed him to, making sure you were ok, protecting you. It was him, all of him, it had always been him.

You were shocked at the words you just heard but glad you’d heard them. Before either of them walked out and found you there, you walked back downstairs as quietly as you could, praying they wouldn’t hear the creaks of the stairs. Once you were back at the kitchen you decided to wait for Sokka to come down, he had to eventually, and you hoped he would leave Zuko alone when he did. It didn’t take him much longer to do so, to your relief coming down the stairs alone. He looked at you and smiled.

“Hey, Y/N. Watcha doing?”

“Making tea for Zuko, is he feeling any better?”

“Oh, no. He’s terrible, the poor thing. You should definitely go check on him.” He tried to say this without smiling so you would take him seriously but the corners of his mouth were already starting to curve up.

“Will do, thanks Sokka.” On the surface, you were thanking him for the information he was giving you, but deep down you were also thanking him for being the reason why you found out Zuko also liked you.

You walked back upstairs, not even thinking of bringing the tea up with you. You took in a deep breath before opening the door, and you when you did, you saw him laying there, eyes closed at first but opened quickly when he heard you come in.

“Y/N... hi.” He said sitting up.

“Hey, wanted to check up on you, Sokka said you were feeling terrible.” You told him knowing he would kill Sokka afterwards for sabotaging him.

“I’m not feeling terrible, I’m much better actually, but thanks for coming to check on me.” You took a sit on his bed, close enough to be able to do what you were planning your next move to be.

“I’m glad. We need you up and in your best shape right now.” You waited a few seconds trying to gather all the bravery you had inside before saying. “Zuko?”

“Yes?”

You didn’t warn him before closing the space that separated the two of you, one of your hands went up to cup his cheek while your lips pressed softly against his. You could tell he was shocked by how his body stiffened under your touch, your lips moved softly and slowly trying to figure out wether he wanted to kiss you or not. You were about to pull away when he started kissing you back. His own hand sliding up to your neck, holding you firmly while his lips devoured yours, like he had been waiting for this moment for way too long. When the two of you finally pulled apart to fill in your lungs again, your eyes connected with his, there was a new kind of light in them. A smile took over his lips when his eyes drifted back down to your lips.

“Were you eavesdropping when I was talking to Sokka?” He asked softly and teasingly.

“What in the world would make you think that?”

Over and over again, till it’s nothing but a senseless babble

You were under the covers in Zuko’s bed. Your eyes deeply staring into his, your fingers running up and down his jaw, sometimes getting distracted and playing with his hair. The moonlight leaked through the window and the only sounds that could be heard were the ones of trees swaying with the wind.

Zuko looked at you intensely and profoundly. He was sure you were a dream sometimes, something so perfect couldn’t be real, so he touched you to make sure you were actually there, and he held you gently but firmly to make sure that even if you were a dream, he wouldn’t lose you.

“We should sleep” you muttered in a whisper

“We should” he replied his lids already looking a little heavy.

“Good night, Zuko.” You planted a little short peck on his lips before starting to turn around.

“Good night, Y/N” he replied getting comfortable. “I love you.”

Your heart stopped at this words, a warm feeling started to crawl up your body and your eyes that were already closed opened abruptly.

You turned back around to find him staring at the ceiling, eyes wide open while holding his breath. “What did you just say?” You asked him.

“I-... I’m sorry it just...slipped.” He explained.

You knew he could be a little insecure sometimes, always thought he was unlovable so you had to constantly make sure he knew how much you liked him. This was one of those occasions. You crashed your lips against his roughly, pulling him so he would be on top of you. This kiss was a declaration, a promise and a revelation all at the same time, your lips moved hungrily and passionately trying to show him how much you loved him back.

Once you separated you looked at him sweetly and said “Say it again.”

“I love you.” Zuko was more sure of himself this time, a warm smile took over his face.

“Again, please.”

“I love you.”

“One more time.”

He took your face into your hands and kissed your forehead first. “I love you” then he went to your right cheek “I love you” and to the left “I love you” and to your nose “I love you” and finally took in a deep breath before looking to your lips “Y/N Y/L/N you have no idea how much I fucking love you” he kissed you again.

Maybe you couldn’t understand how much love he felt for you, how it burned inside of him like a wild fire, how when you were with him all his worries faded and the rest of the world was put on pause, maybe you’d never even grasp the way you were his first thought in the morning and his last at night, but he could try showing all of it to you with a kiss.

You pulled away to look at him one last time and said “I love you more, I will always love you more.”

#zuko x reader #zuko fanfic #atla zuko #zuko x you #zuko imagine #avatar zuko #prince zuko #zuko #zuko x y/n #fire lord zuko #zuko x oc #atla au #atla fandom #atla fanfic

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chuuyasnumber1simp · 4 years

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All I Ever Wanted- Karma x shy! Reader

ask: Heyyy can you do a oneshot with an karma x shy! Reader please

@anime-allover

a/n: hello! thank you for being my first request! this was fun to write, I had a lot of fun with it, as someone who was labeled ‘shy’ for most of my childhood, I think I got a lil carried away hehe

sorry this is so long! it's more like a mini fic now :/

if this isn’t what you had in mind or want something shorter let me know!

Warnings: A bit of violence at the end, like two curse words

also, this is highkey inspired by the song “Me and My Husband” by Mitski Mitski

People were often confused by your attitude.

Much to their confusion, you didn’t hate people- others often thought you did.

No, you hated the thought of all the stares, all the eye’s on you.

The thought of all those people judging your every movement, you’re very being, that's what scared you.

You never wanted to downplay your emotions, but the thought of being disliked for who you were was terrifying.

Whenever you entered a room, your skin would crawl with how the people there seemed to size you up, like lions looking for a meal. Unfortunately, you were the poor gazelle.

By no means were you helpless. No, you were far from it. It was simply a matter of finding someone who would accept you for who you were, for all your quirks and flaws.

The search for that person was what put you in the dreaded class 3-E in the first place.

Unable to click with anyone in your class, you became discouraged, causing your grades to slip. Going to a class where nobody liked you made you nauseous, and that was your breaking point.

So here you were. Three months into the first semester and you already dropped this low. You couldn’t even muster up the courage to go to the mandatory meeting where the teachers were supposed to brief you on your life in this class. You didn’t see the point of going to a meeting where all they would do was berate you for falling behind, so you simply did not attend.

That was your first mistake.

Mentally preparing for seeing all eyes on you, you opened the door.

You had prepared for a classroom full of kids staring at you.

You hadn’t however, prepared for a yellow octopus looking thing to look at you as well.

“Good morning Y/N! Welcome to Class 3-E, I am your new teacher Koro-sensei!”

Oh my god, it talks why is it saying it’s my teacher what the hell is going on wow I think the floor is coming to me wait no thAT’S ME FALLING TO THE FLOOR-

If you were conscious, you would have been absolutely mortified at the thought of fainting in front of the class, but alas, you were not. For now.

Unbeknownst to you, a certain redhead had doubled over laughing in the back row.

“She didn’t even scream! Just plop face down on the floor!”

The blue-haired boy he was acquainted with yelled at him.

“Karma! Leave her alone!” though, his reply went unheard over the uproar of laughter resulting from Karma’s comment.

Shaking his head, Nagisa walked up to the front of the classroom where you were still passed out, and lightly shook your shoulder.

“Y/N? Hey um, are you okay?”

Slowly regaining consciousness, you tried to look u and see who roused you from your slumber.

“Mom? What time is it-” The face you saw was that of your mother, but one of the kids in your class.

“Oh um I guess you don’t remember, but you just fainted after seeing Koro-sensei. I'm Nagisa Shiota, and uh-oh,” Nagisa paused before fishing a hanker-chief out of his pocket. “Your nose is bleeding,”

Nagisa seemed to sense that you were still in shock about the quick succession of events in such a short amount of time, so he gently took your hand and placed the white cloth in it.

“Your seat is in the back row, next to the boy with the red hair. His name is Karma,”

“And I’m your best friend, right Nagisa?” the boy -Karama- shouted back.

“More like my worst nightmare,” Nagisa grumbled, though from the look in his eyes you could tell he didn’t really mean it.

On shaky legs, you stood up and walked to your seat beside Karma, tears brimming in your eyes at how some of the kids snickered at your earlier display. Fainting had been the absolute worst way to meet your new class, and though Nagisa at least seemed very kind, you still had no idea what the octopus thing -Koro-sensei- was doing here.

Setting your bag down, you sat in your seat, folded your arms, and rested your head in them, hoping to block everything out, even for just a moment.

Something poking your arm roused you from your small mental breakdown, and you lifted your head to see Karma poking you with the end of his pencil.

Looking around the classroom, it was like your worst fear had come true.

Every single pair of eyes in the room was on you, some even pointing.

“Y/N? Were you listening?” Koro-sensei asked from the front.

You swore everyone could hear your heart by now, you ran your hands together in an attempt to calm yourself down.

“I-I’m sorry sir, could y-you repeat that?” At this point, the only thing that could make this day worse is if he made you introduce yourself to the class.

“I was asking if you would mind introducing yourself to the class?”

motherfu-

“O-oh okay, um, my name is Y/N L/N, and if I'm being completely honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going on,”

“Oh? Did you not attend the teacher’s briefing?”

It seemed that had indeed been a bad choice on your part.

“Um no? I didn’t want any more people to yell at me about my grades, so I didn’t go I guess. I'm sorry,” You cringed internally, hearing your voice get quieter the longer you spoke. You swore, whenever you didn’t know somebody it was like some weird nervous person took over and you turned into a stuttering mess.

“It is quite alright Y/N! It was actually required by the government for you to attend, as it explained my presence and your mission here in 3-E, but I’ll tell them you were sick and couldn’t attend,”

You were taken aback by Koro-sensei’s forgiving attitude, expecting a much harsher rebuke.

“T-thank you very much, sir,”

“You may sit down now, I’ll have Karma and Nagisa explain everything after class, they are the most knowledgeable on the subject. This will also give you the opportunity to meet your new classmates!”

You merely nodded from your seat, unable to will your voice to make a single sound.

The class passed fairly quickly, and you were quite surprised at how well Koro-sensei taught. You never excelled in math, but the way he explained things seemed to click in your brain. It was a pleasant change from the fast-passed, stressful lessons you were accustomed to before.

Light tapping on your desk roused you from your thoughts.

“Hey, it’s Nagisa again. Me and Karma are supposed to explain things to you. Do you mind if we do it while we eat?”

You nodded your head vigorously, eating always calmed you down.

“Alright, I’ll pull up a chair and we can share a desk if you don’t mind?”

You shook your head no, and turned to Karma, wondering what his lunch was.

You’re eyes practically leapt out of your head at the four bento’s filled with extravagant food he pulled out of his bag. You practically started drooling at the thought of eating all that delicious food, and you were tempted to steal one while he wasn’t looking. All you had was a sandwich, and suddenly the thought of eating it didn’t seem so appealing.

“Do you want one?”

The sudden question surprised you, you hadn’t known Karma for very long, but he didn’t seem like the type to share.

“Oh I'm sorry I didn’t mean to stare it just looked really good and you had a lot more than I thoughtandimsorryimtalkingwaytoomuchillshutupnow,”

Karma whistled at the sheer speed at which you spoke, and you tuned your now warm face towards your desk, hoping he wouldn’t notice just how embarrassed you were.

The view of the desk seemed very appealing, but what was more appealing was the bento that was slid across your desk.

“Just eat it. I highly doubt that little sandwich is going to keep you going all day. You looked so pale when I offered I thought you were going to face plant again,”

“You’re right I'm so hungrythankyousomuch,”

You ate the food with fervor, relishing how the flavors danced on your tongue.

You hadn’t expected fainting and being given a bento box to be the start of a friendship, but here you were.

It had been two weeks since you fainted in front of everyone, and you were finally started to warm up to everyone.

They were all honestly very nice, though a bit annoying sometimes, they didn’t seem like bad kids.

And ever since that first day, Karma had brought a bento, just for you.

It was different every day, but the fact that he cared about you from the small interaction to bring you food warmed your heart.

Now, you were animatedly discussing assassination tactics with Nagisa, Karma sipping on strawberry milk- like usual.

“You know,” Karma said, putting down his strawberry milk. “You do this thing whenever you get excited Y/N. Your eyes light up and you talk like a million miles an hour,”

You shrunk inside of yourself at his comment, thinking he was making fun of your habit.

“It’s cute,”

You snapped your face up to his, surprised. No one had ever referred to you as cute before. Sure, there was the occasional creepy guy that would catcall you or the pervy boys in your old class that tried to look up your skirt, but that was about it. Usually, it was always you’re such a weirdo, or you can’t even talk right, you must be stupid.

That thought played on loop in your head for days. Just that single comment.

Karma thought you were cute.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You had avoided it for long enough, faking illness, ‘accidentally’ rolling your ankle, conveniently getting a migraine, but you could avoid it no longer.

P.E.

It’s not that you were bad at it- quite the opposite actually.

You just didn’t want your classmates to think you were showing off, and you still weren't a hundred percent comfortable with the thought of killing Koro-sensei. Your parents stopped talking to you after you were transferred to 3-E, so he was the most supportive adult figure in your life right now.

But unfortunately, he had also seen right through your attempt and falling ill today, so here you were, lined up with everyone else, ready wishing this was over.

“Alright everyone, today we’ll be going over flexibility and acrobatics. Both are key aspects of assassination, especially for getting yourself out of sticky situations,”

Great. Now everyone will definitely think your showing off.

“We have bars, a trampoline, and mats to test your skills in these areas. Please begin stretching to prepare,”

Karma leaned over to whisper in your ear: “Dude, you look constipated. What’s up?”

You gritted your teeth in dread, completely ignoring Karma’s comment about your face. “I’m good at this,”

“What?”

“I’m good at this stuff. That’s the problem,”

“I think you need to go to the nurse's office because that doesn’t make any sense. If your good at it, then what’s there to worry about?”

Oh how you wished you had Karma’s attitude, but your brain simply did not work like that.

He sighed next to you, then reached out a hand to ruffle your hair. The action caused your brain to short-circuit, and while you previously were imagining all the different ways this could go wrong, the only thing you were able to process was Karma’s hand on your head.

“Whatever you're overthinking in that pretty little head of yours, I promise it’s not going to be as bad as you think it is, so stop worrying. You make an ugly face when you think too hard,”

“Y/N. It’s your turn,”

Karma retracted his hand at Karasuma’s voice, leaving your an anxiety-filled blushing mess.

You breathed slowly and stepped up to the mats, flexibility being the first test.

Looking back into the crowd, you noticed Nagisa giving you a thumbs up and Karma smiling at you. Seeing them silently root for you gave you a bit of courage, so you slid into the splits with ease, stood back up, the bent into a back-bend. Next was a kick over, then a handstand, all executed to perfection.

Not giving yourself time to overthink and panic, you turned to the bars and performed your moves with grace, just as you did at gymnastics practice.

Lastly was your specialty- the trampoline.

Usually, the trampoline was a tumbling mat, but you would just have to make do.

The trampoline was long, spanning about 20 feet. Longer than your usual routine, but that was nothing you couldn’t handle.

Getting a running start, you front flipped, then, using your momentum, did a front handspring. Jumping up once more you did four back handsprings in a row, backflipped, then as a final move, an aerial. You cursed internally, as your hands flew up in the air in the judges salute, something you did on instinct after doing gymnastics for so long.

Shocked to hear shouts and clapping, you turned to the crowd of students who rushed at you.

“That was amazing Y/N!”

“Who knew you were secretly talented!”

“Could you teach me how to do that no hands front flip thingy?”

“Alright alright, let the poor girl breathe,” Karasuma shooed the class away, then turned back to you. “That was very impressive Y/N. If you could coordinate that into assassination, I'm sure you could go far.”

You gave him a real, genuine smile. “Thank you very much, sir!”

Karma’s POV:

Karma didn’t quite understand the feeling in his chest. It wasn’t like the feeling he got when he attempted to assassinate Koro-sensei, or how it felt to break someone’s nose.

No, this was different. Something he had never felt before you.

The way his heart fluttered in his chest at how graceful you looked. Or how he wished it was him you had given that shining smile too.

And it wouldn’t go away.

He started to notice that after you came out of your shell, you smiled a lot more. Your eyes lit up, and he adored the way you chewed your lip when you were worrying about something.

Karma Akabane never thought he’d used the word adored to describe something he felt, but here he was, adoring a new aspect of you each day.

He would lay awake at night, inside his cold, empty mansion, thinking it would be better if you were in it.

Wondering if you felt the same way about him.

He couldn’t bear to think that you didn’t. This new feeling, one he’d never felt before, was both exhilarating and terrifying.

And he had no idea what to do.

Nagisa’s POV:

Nagisa had genuinely never seen Karma liked this before.

It was almost unnerving at first, the way he looked at you like he was stranded in the desert, and you were an oasis, calm and beautiful.

In all his time, Nagisa had never seen Karma in love before.

To someone who hadn’t known Karma along as he had, the way his eye’s got soft when he looked at you, or the way you could always bring him out of a bad mood would go unnoticed.

But Nagisa noticed.

The perceptive boy had also picked up on how you opened up when Karma was around, how you looked at him like he was the only person in the room. The way that whenever you bumped into each other, both of you would linger just a little bit longer than necessary. How when you dropped your pencil last Thursday, and Karma’s fingers grazed yours, both of your faces turned red.

It was almost hard to watch you both pining so obviously over each other, and then do absolutely nothing about it.

What he did not know, was that his annoyance would be short-lived, because no one was expecting what would happen the following week.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was all because of those Class B jerks.

They had been your old classmates, and you were just trying to walk to the bus, Karma and Nagisa in tow when they had to show up.

“Hey look! The freak finally found her place, among the other freaks!”

“It’s fitting for her. I mean, you can’t be that weird and not get put in 3-E. Forget about grades, they should have chucked her into that dump the second she arrived!”

To say you snapped would be an understatement.

Nagisa had looked over to you, hoping to provide comfort, but the look on your face would put Karma’s to shame.

You flew towards the two boys, faster than Nagisa thought was possible, and punched the first one straight in the face.

Nagisa flinched internally, watching the blood spurt from his nose, as he actually flew backward from the force of your fist.

The second one was already trying to get a hit in on you, and Nagisa could see Karma was about to step in, but he stopped when he saw you grab the second guy's face, and slam it into your awaiting knee.

“Shut up,” He collapsed on the ground, and you crouched down so you were eye-level with him.

“Listen. I’m in 3-E now. I cannot sink any lower than this, so there’s nothing for me to lose right? So I suggest you tell all your little friends that I will not hesitate to do to them what I just did to you. Got it?”

Both shook their heads, then scrambled away from you, clutching their respective faces.

Your POV:

Your knuckles hurt. Punching someone with that much force was much more painful than they showed in movies.

And, deep down, you were scared what the boys said was true.

You were quiet and reserved, and your interests never matched those around you, and now here you were, blood dripping off your knuckles, tights ripped, hair disheveled, and they were right.

You were a freak.

Karma probably only hung out with you out of pity, why else would he?

And Nagisa only did out of obligation, after all, he couldn’t be Karma’s friend and then not yours, right?

You weren’t even aware you were crying until the tears dripped onto the pavement below your face.

“Y/N? are you okay?”

It was quiet for once inside your head. Too quiet.

“It’s okay Karma. You don’t have to feel pity for me anymore. You can ignore me, and go back to how things were before. I’m okay with being alone,” Despite your words, your voice wobbled and more tears sprung from your eyes.

“Hey. Look at me,” Karma cupped your face with his hands, wiping away a tear with his thumb.

“I hang out with you because I want to. Those guys didn’t know what they were talking about. You’re beautiful and smart, and so devoted. I’ve always loved that about you,”

He said ‘loved”

“You looked badass just now. Don’t think you going crazy on those jerks is going to make me change the way I see you. If you think I’m that shallow, then you’re stupid.

I love the way you chew your lip when your worried, and I love the way you always try so hard in math even though you’re not that good at it. I love the way that you adore the weirdest things, like snakes and old music, and I love how you smile at me when you think I’m not looking,”

Crap he noticed-

“And finally, I love you Y/N. Will you be my girlfriend?”

You beamed at him, hearing the words you had always dreamed of hearing.

“Yes. Please,”

He hugged you close to his body, as he could protect you from all the bad in the world, and you relished the way his arms wrapped around you.

“Can I kiss you?”

Instead of giving him an answer, you leaned up and tilted your head so it fit perfectly against his.

Despite all the strawberry milk he drinks, he tasted like cinnamon sugar, an almost bittersweet flavor. He melted into your touch, and his breath tickled your nose when he pulled away.

A light cough from ten feet away reminded you that Nagisa was still here, and you instantly withdrew from Karma’s embrace, smoothing down your uniform.

“Nagisa~ Look who just got a girlfriend,”

“Shut up,” You lightly punched his arm, but you also let your hand entwine with his.

And this was all you ever wanted.

a/n: i read somewhere that Karma’s parents r like super rich so he lives in a mansion????

#karma #karma akabane #karma x reader #karma akabane x reader #assassination classroom #lol i got really carried away #sorry about that

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wiypt-writes · 3 years

Text

Stark Spangled Banner

Ch 12: Fairy Tale Of New York

Part 1- Gram Mo Chroi

Summary: In the run up to the Festive Period, Katie presents the Publishing Company proposal to the Stark Industries board, and our favourite couple spend their first Christmas together in New York. New Year’s Eve is welcomed in with a bang at a Stark Industries Gala and Steve’s simply happy he has his girl by his side…even when there’s a little mishap in The Elevator

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

Warnings: SMUT (NSFW!) So over 18s only please. And some teeth rotting fluff… and LANGUAGE

A/N: Once again thanks to @angrybirdcr for her GORGEOUS edit

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Katie Stark and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Chapter 11

Stark Spangled Banner Masterlist // Main Masterlist

December 2013

Steve loved his girl. He would die for her if he had to, without a second thought. But the one thing he dreaded above everything was the thought of shopping, not least as it was the middle of December. Frankly, when she was shopping for herself Katie was a nightmare. Not on purpose, she was just so indecisive about whatever she was looking for, insisting that things made her look too wide hipped, short, big assed, big chested (which he’d told her cheekily wasn’t the clothes fault she had good assets which had earned him a slap around the back of the head). It was ridiculous, she was ridiculous, and he had no idea why she was so insecure as frankly she was gorgeous and would stop a room if she walked in wearing a sack.

“You don’t need to come!” She chuckled at him, shoving on her jacket. “I know I’m a pain in the ass and it’ll take me ages, plus it will be busy as it’s nearly Christmas.” “You sure?”

“Yeah.” She smiled, dropping her arms round his shoulders from behind the sofa, her hands coming to rest on his chest. “I just need a break from that damned proposal and to be honest, I only make you come so you can carry my bags.” “Nice to see I have my uses” He snorted sarcastically, rolling his head round so he could catch her lips.

“Well it makes me feel special.” She shrugged as she straightened up.

And damned it, after she’d said that, how could he not go?

“You know what, its fine. I’ll come. Give me a second.” He gave a slight sigh or resignation, and when he glanced at her he noticed her turn around with a smirk on her face and he knew then he’d been played, well and truly.

“You’re so full of shit.” He shook his head as she laughed whilst he went to retrieve his boots.

Two hours later he was beginning to regret his utter lack of ability to resist her charms. She was still flapping about her New Year’s Eve outfit for the Stark Industries Ball, worse than she normally did Steve noted. Six dresses she had tried on. Six, and she hated every one. Deciding enough was enough, instead of letting her walk into the next shop he’d tugged her hand, his strength easily keeping her from following her intended path and pulled her up the escalator to the fancy, pretentious champagne bar that was placed on the floor overlooking the lower floors of the City Centre mall.

“Why can’t I find anything that looks good?” She muttered as he slid a glass of Bollinger over to her, handing his card to the bar tender.

“Katie, stop it.” He looked at her where she was perched next to him at the bar. “All of them looked great.” “You’d say that no matter what.” She looked at him, and she couldn’t help but smile at the affection on his face.

“Because it’s true.” He smirked taking a pull of his beer “But if you want my opinion the red one was my favourite.” And it was. It was a scarlet colour, straight cut satin number, which clung to every delectable curve of her body, flashing a peep of leg through the thigh high split on the right hand side, not to mention the neckline and back. It was a halter-neck with a cowl at the front giving a subtle flash of cleavage and left her upper back was bare. It was demure enough to keep most of what was underneath it to the imagination, yet also flashed enough skin to make him feel slightly warm every time he looked at her. When he’d seen her walk out of the changing room it, it had almost made his mouth water, and it had definitely made his trousers feel tighter

“The Galliano one?”

“If that was the red one then yeah.” He laughed. “Come on, Doll, like I’m gonna know that!”

She grinned as he looked up and thanked the bar tender, signing his name on the check with a flourish. He didn’t even look at how ludicrously expensive the champagne and his fancy European lager was. He didn’t care, he earned enough from SHIELD to treat his girl every once in a while. In fact, as he watched her lost in thoughts, he decided then he wanted to buy her the dress too.

“Let me buy it for you.” He said softly.

“What?” She frowned “Don’t be stupid, not like I can’t afford it.” “That isn’t the point.” He sighed, rolling his eyes at her stubbornness. “I’d like to.” She eyed him for a moment before she smiled and reached out to gently brush his cheek with her hand “Okay. Thank you.” Well that had been easier than he had anticipated. Normally she argued like hell about paying for things, be it takeout, food, meals, dates. Instead, she leaned over to give him a soft peck on the lips and he smiled back. But then another frown creased her brow and she was back to brooding again.

“Sweetheart, what is it?” He asked, his hand landing on her knee.

Katie looked up at him, before she sighed. “I’m nervous.” “About the pitch?”

She nodded. And she was. She had been working on the Presentation and Business Plan for the Publishers since Thanksgiving. The Business Plan had been submitted to the board two days ago, and she was due to give the Presentation tomorrow morning. She had hoped that shopping for a new power suit and a dress for New Year’s would distract her for a few hours. It hadn’t.

“Doll, you’ve been working on it for weeks. Pepper says it’s great, even Tony didn’t find anything to pick holes in.”

“I just, well I want everyone to vote on it because it’s a good idea, not just because of who I am, you know?” “And they will. Honestly, you’re over thinking and over worrying. You’re going to smash it.”

He watched as a small smile tugged at her lips “You and your sudden obsession with street lingo.”

“What?” He frowned, mock annoyance on his face “Can’t Captain America be down with the kids?” “Okay, I never want to hear you say that, ever again.” she chuckled and he grinned. “Oh, but speaking of Kids…are you gonna make the Foundation Party?”

Steve took a deep breath. The Stark Foundation apparently hosted a yearly Christmas Party at the tower for local children who were either ill or in the care system. Last year’s hadn’t gone ahead on account of Tony’s near mental breakdown-slash-terrorist problem but this year they were full steam ahead. Tony would be there in his Iron Man get up, Katie as well (she loved everything about the party) and she’d asked Steve if he would mind coming along. And he didn’t mind per-se, it was just the idea of 50 kids running around that invited utter chaos.

“I’m gonna try, Sweetheart. As long as there’s no missions that go off I’ll be there.”

“Well don’t worry if you can’t” she said, smiling “We’re not telling the kids you are anyway, so if you turn up it will be like Santa himself has arrived. Only in a different suit. And with a shield not a sack.”

Steve let out a chortle before he dropped a kiss to her head “Ok Cinderella, let’s go get your dress then we can go home, eat junk and watch trash.”

“You know how to spoil a lady.” Katie smirked, and Steve flashed her a grin, not least because he knew it was her favourite thing to do in the world.

***** Katie took a deep breath as she sat in Pepper’s office. She’d landed in New York little over an hour ago and was now nervous as hell. Really nervous. Steve had assured her she would be fine as he had dropped her at the airfield to catch the jet over. He had assured her she would be fine when he kissed her goodbye. He had assured her she would be fine when she landed and received his text message. And all that amounted to was the fact she now thought Steve was an optimistic fool because she was not fine. She was shitting herself.

“You ready?” Pepper asked as she walked into her office, effortlessly business-like but graceful as always.

“No.” Katie said honestly, looking up from where she had been sat reading over her cue cards again.

“Well, we’re about to start.” she smiled “I put you on first so you can concentrate on the rest of the board meeting once you’ve pitched.” Katie nodded and stood up, smoothing down her pencil skirt. “Ok, let’s get it over with.” She followed Pepper down to the Boardroom and stepped inside where one of the Interns was setting up the screen to the right. She smiled at the other members of the Board, all who she knew by name and took a seat to the right of Tony who held the head of the table, Pepper sitting opposite her to his left.

“You got this Kiddo.” Tony leaned over to whisper in her ear before he sat up “Alright Ladies and Gents, the last Board meeting of 2013…”

Katie listened as Tony spoke and then Pepper outlined the agenda and then way too fast she was being invited to speak. She stood up, cleared her throat, looked at the Presentation, to her cards and then froze before she smiled gently.

“You know what…” She said, looking round “I had a huge, posh presentation prepared but I know you’ve read all the statistics and the numbers” she took a deep breath and tossed her cue cards down on the table “So I’m gonna speak from my heart and share my vision…or in Tony’s words, I’m winging it….” Tony leaned back in his chair and watched as his sister held the room, occasionally glancing at Pepper who was smiling proudly. Katie spoke articulately, clearly but most of all passionately. He could tell that most of the board members were with her, the only one that was going to be an ass-hat about it was Jeremy Saul, their Finance Director. He had been the only one that had questioned the viability of Katie’s desire to go for un-published, un-known authors. Her proposal and vision wasn’t about making as much profit as possible, it was about encouraging talent.

“I just have one question…” Jeremy leaned back in his chair and Tony sat up, stroking his beard as he looked at the man who was staring up at his sister. Katie turned her gaze to him.

“By all means, please Mr Saul.”

Arse-Saul more like… “I’ve read the business plan. You don’t intend to turn a profit for the first year…” He continued, an annoyingly smug look on his face. “And even after that you don’t seem to be focussed on any kind of margins or return on sales whatsoever.” “That’s correct.” Katie nodded.

“Well, forgive me for asking but what benefit will this bring to Stark Industries from a money perspective?” Katie took a deep breath, and glanced at Tony who had arched his eyebrow. She could tell he was thinking the same thing as her - ‘Dickhead’.

“The same benefit the Stark Relief Fund brings. The same benefit the Stark Foundation brings.” Katie replied, taking a deep breath “I’m not going to lie, my vision isn’t about profiteering. It’s about giving a springboard to those Authors who, like JK Rowling have had every door so far slammed in their faces.” she looked around the room remembering Peppers’ advice- Enthuse, engage, engross. “Granted, in the future it would be nice to have a decent turn over, and I don’t want to run at a loss. I’m a firm believer I can make it breakeven in the first two years as the numbers show, and the remaining three on the five year plan show a return on sales of just over five percent.”

“That isn’t a huge amount.” Saul looked at Katie and she nodded.

“You’re right, it isn’t. But you know as well as I do that Stark Industries turns over a ludicrous amount of money every year so it doesn’t need another section which turns over profits in excess of thirty percent. That isn’t my vision here, and that’s not what setting up Stark Independent Publishing is about.”

Saul nodded and scribbled down something on his note pad and looked to Pepper who was leading the meeting to show he had no more questions.

Katie took a deep breath, thanked everyone for their time and sat down.

“Okay, let’s take a break.” Pepper said, glancing around the room “Grab a coffee, back here in ten minutes for the Contract Status review.” she shot Katie a large smile as she stood up and walked out of the large Oak doors.

“Kiddo.” Tony leaned over as the various board members started to move about and chatter amongst themselves “You crushed it.”

Katie smiled at her brother as he squeezed her shoulder before standing up and shrugging on his jacket.

“Think that calls for a drink…hey, Pepper, can we…”

His voice trailed off as the boardroom door shut, leaving Katie alone. Leaning back in her chair she allowed herself a smile. That hadn’t gone too bad after all.

*****

Steve looked over to where his phone was placed on the bench by the side of the gym for what felt like the one hundredth time since midday. The meeting should be over by now.

“Expecting a call?” Natasha drawled as she sent a right hook his way which he dodged.

“It’s Katie’s pitch today.” He jabbed back with a forearm throw which Natasha easily twirled under. “I thought it would be done by now.” In all honesty he wasn’t nervous. He knew she’d got this, the passion and the detail she’d put into it made it impossible for her not to. He’d told her as much when she’d zipped up that delectable grey pencil skirt over dark black tights and shrugged on a silky black blouse that morning after her shower. He’d told her as much when he’d kissed her goodbye at the air field.

But he still wanted to know she was okay.

“Oh, the Publishing thing?” Nat asked and Steve nodded as they circled on another. “She’s a Stark, what she gotta pitch for?”

“There’s an entire board.” Steve said. “She can’t vote on it as it’s a conflict of interest. So even if Tony votes, it isn’t enough to hold a true majority. She needs them both onside.” “Huh.” Nat said, “No wonder you’re distracted.” “I’m not…” he began but in a swoop Natasha had his legs from under him, knee pressed against his throat, a shit eating grin spread across her face as he rolled his eyes.

“Wanna finish that sentence?” She smirked.

He took a deep breath as she stood up and then his phone began to ring. He effortlessly rolled out of Natasha’s light hold and crossed the room to pick it up.

“Hey, Doll.” he said, smiling. “How did it go?” “Well…” Katie began to talk, and Steve had to strain to hear her voice over the noise in the background, noise that sounded like a bar. “It could have gone worse…” “But it couldn’t have gone much better either Spangles…” Tony added from the back ground “She was fucking amazing.” “Told you.” Steve grinned, giving Natasha the thumbs up.

“Tony’s being premature. We won’t know if they’re going to agree until the end of the year but he insisted we come out for drinks anyway.”

“Pssht” Tony said in the background. “It’s nearly Christmas, can’t I treat my little sister to an afternoon on the Pier…hey, yeah can I get a…”

Steve smiled as the noise started to die down a little, Katie having moved to find a quieter spot.

“So it went well?” “Yeah. Was pointless me spending so much time on my presentation though.” she laughed “I didn’t use it in the end, went for the tried and tested Stark format of winging it.”

Steve let out a chuckle and looked back at Natasha who was watching him, an odd smirk on her face “I’m pleased it went well honey but I gotta go. I gotta finish this sparring session then I have one of those damned videos to film…” “What is it today?” Katie asked, and he could her the grin in her voice as she dropped it to mimick his own “’So, you had your first wet dream?’”

“Punk.” he shot immediately and she let out a laugh.

“Jerk”

****

“Okay, so, we all set?” Tony said, stepping forward and examining his repulsor gauntlets.

“As ready as we’ll ever be.” Katie straightened the Nova Star shaped buckle on her utility belt.

“Let’s just stick to the plan.” Steve looked to Katie on his right, then Tony on his left before focusing on the door in front “One group each. No distractions.”

The siblings nodded and Steve stepped forward, opening the large door. They were instantly hit with a barrage of noise as forty-five kids swamped the three Avengers. But it was a small, olive-skinned, ebony haired girl that reached Katie first, and she bent down beaming.

“Emmy!” Katie pulled the small girl into a hug “Wow, you’ve gotten so big!”

“I’m six now.” Emmy said proudly, flashing a grin. Her front tooth was missing.

“No.” Katie shook her head. “Uh-uh, no way.” “I am.”

“You’re catching me up!”

Emmy let out a giggle and Katie stood up, glancing over at where Tony and Steve were surrounded by little people, all of them bouncing up and down. Emmy, however, hung back slightly as the other children all pushed forward to hug or see Iron Man or Captain America, and she gripped Katie’s leg tighter.

“You okay?” Katie glanced down at the little girl who clung to her leg as she nodded.

“I want to meet Captain America.” She said, shyly. “Everyone says he’s your boyfriend. Is that true?” “It is.” Katie nodded.

“So you kiss him?”

“I do.” Katie grinned as Emmy made a gagging noise. With a chuckle she gently ruffled the girl’s hair. “Come on, I’ll take you to say hi.” Emmy took Katie’s hand and they crossed the room to where the crowd had now dispersed, the kids being shepherded into the various groups for the annual tour round the tower, which was basically one huge big supervised treasure hunt where each of them came back holding the latest games console or tablet depending on their age.

“Captain?” Katie called and Steve frowned, turning round, it had been a while since she had called him that, well outside of the bedroom anyway. As he looked at her, the tell-tale flush spread up her neck into her face and he knew she’d had the same thought. Ignoring the heat in his own cheeks he looked at her and watched as she gently moved her gloved hand to the back of the dark haired girl’s head, as the kid’s hand curled round Katie’s. Her large, brown eyes glanced up at Steve shyly. “There’s someone here that wants to meet you.”

Steve smiled, his head devoid of his helmet, and he crouched down in front of the small girl as Katie did the same, dropping to her level. “Hi.” He greeted her.

“Hi…” She replied softly “My name’s Emily.” “Emily, that’s a real pretty name, little Miss.” Steve smiled at her

“My friends call me Emmy.”

“Can I call you Emmy?” Steve asked.

The small girl seemed to ponder for a second before she looked at Katie then back to Steve “Katie calls me Emmy. And as you’re her boyfriend I suppose that would be okay.” Steve looked at Katie who was biting her lip to stop herself from laughing and he nodded at the small girl, a smile crossing his face “Well how’s about you call me Steve then, but we keep it to ourselves. Only you and the grown-ups can call me that today.”

“Mr Stark calls you Spangles.” Emmy said, frowning.

“Yeah, he said grown-ups.” Katie smiled “Tony is not a grown up.” Emmy let out a giggle “You’re silly, Katie.” “She is.” Steve nodded and Katie stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes causing the small girl to laugh even harder.

“Emmy!” One of the attendees from the home called and beckoned her over “Come on or you’ll miss the treasure hunt.”

Emmy threw her arms round Steve and he momentarily paused before he gave her a hug before she ran off to join her peers.

“She’s cute…” He watched her go before he looked to Katie as they both stood up.

“Yeah I know you’re not supposed to have favourites but…” Katie sighed “I met her when she was eighteen months old. She’s adorable.” “What’s her story?”

“Her mom died when she was thee months old.” Katie sighed, watching as the kids were organised into a line “There were complications at birth that she never recovered from. Her dad then killed himself a few weeks later. She had no other family who were willing to take her in so she’s been in a home ever since.”

“That’s awful.” Steve frowned.

“Makes me realise just how lucky I was that Tony stepped up and became my guardian after mom and dad died.” Katie glanced at the young girl, the softness in her eyes didn’t go unnoticed by Steve as she spoke again “You know, every year I pray she doesn’t show up here. Not because I don’t want to see her but because it means she’s found a home and a family.”

Steve smiled gently, looping an arm around her shoulders, the pair of them watching as Tony joined the front of one of the three lines the kids had been organised in and was looking at them all waving his hands.

“You want kids?” Katie asked, looking up at Steve. He took a deep breath and blew it out through his nose “Shit, sorry.” she continued, shaking her head and rubbing her temple. “That’s a bit forward, I didn’t mean…” “I know.” Steve shook his head, understanding. “And yeah, I did, before I joined the army. All I wanted was a family, stability, to hold down a good job. Now, well, things went a bit crazy didn’t they?” “Tell me about it.” Katie chuckled.

“What, errr, what about you?” Steve asked, rubbing at his neck a little awkwardly.

“Eventually, maybe.” She shrugged. Steve glanced down at her, a soft look on his face, but he was distracted as Emmy had returned and she was tugging on the dark material of his Uniform trousers.

“Can you be leader of our group?” She looked up at Steve.

“Woah, what about me Emmy?” Katie playfully frowned, her hands on her hips.

Emmy shot her a grin “You were the leader of my group for the last two years…” “Wow.” Katie smiled “You’re replacing me. Fine, I’m not offended. At all.”

Emmy laughed and Steve’s mouth curled upwards before he looked down at Emmy and nodded. “Alright Ma’am.” He saluted, as Emmy laughed and then slipped her hand into his. “Lead the way.” Katie watched them leave, convinced his super hearing would have just picked up the noise of her ovaries exploding.

*****

Forty Five kids came to the tower and forty five left. No one died, and Steve only had to throw his shield once for a demonstration. All in all the Stark Foundation Christmas Party 2013 was a roaring success.

The residents of the tower spent the next few days they had before Christmas lazing around, watching old Christmas films as Katie introduced Steve to her favourite one, ‘The Muppet Christmas Carol’. They decorated a tree in her apartment, headed through the streets of New York in the dark to see all the various Christmas lights, wrapped presents, spent evenings drinking hot chocolate laced with liquor and before they both knew what had happened, it was Christmas Eve and to Katie’s utter delight (and Tony’s it would seem, as JARVIS informed them dryly that Mr Stark was demanding that they go outside to build snowmen) it was snowing again to top up the already substantial covering on the ground.

Steve hated being cold, a consequence of spending seventy years frozen but the childish excitement written all over Katie’s face was enough to make him brave the snow, and so, at half past two in the afternoon he was stood in Central Park, along with Katie, Pepper and Tony, building snowmen-which Steve was amazingly adept at, something that came as a surprise to Pepper and Tony, but not to Katie considering his artistic nature. Bruce called Tony half way through following the conclusion of whatever seminar he had been in and an hour or so later joined them, and was immediately told to judge the snowmen contest. He declared Steve the winner causing Tony and Katie to pelt the mild mannered Scientist with snowballs until his grown up façade slipped and he joined in, catching Tony with a perfectly placed lump of snow right between the eyes.

The light began to draw in and after purchasing a hot dog each from one of the stands the sounds of carols drifted to their ears so the five of them wandered towards the music. They found a group of singers not far from the Alice In Wonderland statue, each holding lanterns and sheets of music. They looked at one another and joined the crowd as they group began to sing Silent Night. Steve slipped his arms around Katie from behind, pulling her to his bulky, coated frame and she leaned back happily into his embrace. His cold nose brushed against her cheek near her ear as he stooped to drop a kiss there, causing Katie to laugh out loud as he continued to press his cold face against her neck.

“I haven’t seen a carol service since I was a boy.” He said softly.

She turned her head to look at him, as he looked back, was grinning like a school boy as the snow began to fall again, because, whilst he might hate being cold, he didn’t hate any time spent with his best girl.

She placed a soft kiss on his lips. “Taking you back?”

“A little…” He smiled before she turned back to the band, as his nose nuzzled at her ear “Love you… gram mo chroi…”

The words phonetically registered in her brain, graw miu cree the Irish brogue he had spoken made her shiver.

“Yeah that sounds really sexy and I have no idea what you just said.” She tilted her head back to face him.

“You don’t speak Gaelic?” He teased.

“Italian, German, Spanish and French…but no Gaelic.” She smirked.

“Smart ass…” He rolled his eyes before chuckling slightly, his eyes leaving hers to focus on the singers again. “So what does it mean?” She pressed.

“It means love of my heart, of my life.” “Smooth Rogers.” She grinned, catching his lips again.

The singers finished to a round of applause from the surrounding crowd, including wolf whistles from Tony, and the five of them set off back to the Tower, the streetlights bouncing off the white of the snow. Walking the twenty or so minutes back they all stopped to enjoy hot chocolates laced with lashings of brandy at a small Cafe on the corner of Park and 5th, along with roast chestnuts and mince pies. Katie smiled, remarking that it was about as clichéd a Christmas Eve you could get. And she absolutely loved it.

Once back at the tower they all said goodnight and headed to their respective floors and apartments. Once Steve and Katie had shed their various outer layers of winter clothing, Katie instructed Jarvis to light the fire before she headed off into the bedroom before walking back out and across the hall to the larger bathroom where Steve heard her turn on the tap to the tub.

“You having a bath?” He called dropping onto the sofa.

“Warming up.” She called back, grinning as she dropped a Christmas Pudding shaped bath-bomb into the tub, watching as it started to fizz, the gorgeous smells of cinnamon hitting her nostrils. Biting her lip she walked to the door of the bathroom and leaned against it calling down the hall. “Wanna join me?”

Steve heard her, and didn’t need asking twice.

He walked into the bathroom to see her drop her robe to the floor, flashing him a view of her bare back, ass, legs before she stepped into the obscenely large tub and he shed his clothes in about five seconds flat, climbing in behind her. She leaned back against him, his arms coming to rest naturally on the sides of the large tub.

“Why…” he began, looking at his skin, “is there glitter all over my arm?” “I used a bath bomb”

“A what?”

“Things you drop in the water alongside or instead of bubble bath and they smell nice. I’ll show you another day.” Katie explained, closing her eyes and leaning back into the warmth of the water, her head laying on his chest, the fingers of her right hand delicately rubbing across his knuckles.

They were silent for a while, Steve’s head lolling against the back of the tub, utterly contented to stay there until the water went cold, when Katie spoke.

"Say it again.” She whispered softly, wanting to hear the words he’d said before.

He quirked a crooked smile. “Say what?”

She chuckled and bit at the corner of her bottom lip and tilted her head round so she could look at him. “The thing you said earlier… say it again.”

He didn’t’ say a word, instead he dropped his head to kiss her neck, lips laying soft kisses along her shoulders. Slowly, his right hand moved from its spot on the tub to stroking her hip, down the outside of her thigh, up again and then across to her abdomen. The subtle brush of his fingertips on her sensitive flesh set off chills of a very different kind to the one’s Katie had been feeling all afternoon in the snow and she let her eyelids fall shut, a small sigh escaping her lips as his mouth trailed a line from her right shoulder across to her left.

"Say it again.” She breathed out but still Steve said nothing. Instead, he moved his hand down her abdomen going lower and lower until he slowly began to tease her.

Katie shuddered, her breath caught again as her head fell backwards. “Say it…” she tried again, the words coming out as a desperate choked plea.

His grinning face pressed to her neck and shoulder as he nipped gently. “Sorry, I’m an old man. I forget what I say sometimes.”

He knew exactly what she was after and Katie knew he did, he was just being a tease and it was driving her wild. So she decided to deploy the big guns. Her hand drifted down to find his, wrapping tightly around his wrist, stilling his touch and she turned to face him, gently straddling him, sitting on his thighs and sending a slosh of water over the side of the tub onto the tiled floor.

"You forgot that I’m the love of your life?” She pouted softly, eyes locking onto his.

“Doll,” Steve shook his head, dropping his forehead to hers. “No one could ever make me forget that. Ever.”

Bingo. Katie felt the smile cross her face as she leaned in to kiss him as her hand reached down into the water and wrapped around his hardening cock causing him to grunt at little as she squeezed her palm around him.

“Then say it.” She demanded, her hand slowly sliding up his shaft and Steve looked at her, his eyes blown with lust.

“You’re such a fucking brat.” He reached up and tangled one hand into her hair, pulling her face down to his, kissing her hard and he muttered against her mouth, “Gram mo Chroi…”

“Fuck, I love you,” Katie huffed out into his open mouth as his hands went down to her waist and he gently pulled her forwards, positioning her before, without warning, he thrust upwards and she moaned, pushing down onto his lap, water lapping around them as he filled her. “I love you, more than anything.” Katie nipped at his lip and coiled her fingers into his hair, drawing a hiss from his mouth as she moved again, rocking her hips, grinding down on him.

“I love you too.” His ragged breaths snagged on the words as he pressed up into her harder, then harder again, his hands straying to her back, fingers sliding up and down her spine as he pulled her closer to him, kissing her hard before turning his lips to her neck then her chest, the trails of water and soap suds trickled down from between her cleavage to her navel. It made him groan as he looked at her gently rocking on top of him as bucked his hips upwards, meeting her thrust for thrust.

He sat up a little making her purr as he hit her even deeper, as he pulled her close, chest pressed to chest as he kissed her, hands snaking up into the back of her hair which was piled messily on top of her head. Katie moaned into his mouth as he thrust upwards again, and again as she pushed down, rotating her hips against him. It was slow, deep, loving, the sounds of sloshing water and gentle moans and groans filled the large bathroom as they both clung to one another, as close as they possibly could be. Eventually Katie felt the knot in her stomach beginning to unravel and she threw her head back in a soft cry, Steve’s name tumbling from her lips, before she fell forward, burying her head into the crook of his shoulder and neck as she caught her breath. A few more thrusts and Steve was right behind her, his body sliding down into the tub, head resting against the back, his girl tightly clutched to his chest.

Steve’s hands ran up and down her back as Katie gave a low hum of contentment before pulling back, smoothing his hair back with her hands and smiling softly at him, before she kissed him gently.

“You know,” Steve said gently as she pressed her forehead against his. “This is certainly an improvement on Christmas Eve last year.”

Katie chuckled slightly and closed her eyes. "It’s been the best one I’ve ever had.”

*****

Christmas Morning was one of the few times Katie could remember having woken before Steve. But she was always up at the crack of dawn on Christmas Morning and had been since she was a child. Steve’s arms were wrapped around her, one leg tossed over hers doing his best koala impression as always, head buried into the back of her neck. She shifted, rolling over to face him, causing his grip to loosen slightly and simply watched him, taking in how much younger he looked with his face relaxed and how comfortable and peaceful he was in sleep. She leaned over to gently place a kiss on his cheek just underneath where those ridiculously long eyelashes rested, before she rose, swapping Steve’s T-shirt for a long sleeved pair of Christmas pyjamas adorned with little snowmen and Christmas trees and headed into the living area.

The tree was already lit (God bless Jarvis) as was the garland over the fire place and the lights in the kitchen. Turning on the radio low, she poured some ground Christmas Roast into the machine and set about making pancake batter whilst popping off a cork on a bottle of Krug to use for Mimosas, the breakfast drink of champions

Steve heard her singing. Cracking an eye open he glanced at the clock, it wasn’t even gone Eight yet. He took a moment to stretch before he got out of bed, went to use the bathroom and came out, throwing on a pair of plaid sleep pants over his boxers before he made his way to the kitchen. He stopped dead when he saw her dancing around and had to stifle his laugh as he slipped his arms around her from behind, making her jump slightly.

“Merry Christmas, Sweetheart.” He gruffed, his voice still thick with sleep as she tilted her head round to catch the kiss he was offering.

“Merry Christmas, Soldier.”

“What are you wearing?” He arched an eyebrow and Katie grined. “It’s the rules…” She turned to look at him. “On Christmas Day, in the Stark house, we all wear Christmas pyjamas and no one gets dressed until well after lunchtime and then we wear Christmas sweaters, eat dinner, lounge around and do absolutely nothing bar stuffing our faces, drinking and watching movies.”

“I don’t have any Christmas Pyjamas…or a sweater.” Steve frowned. “Yeah you do.” Katie informed, putting down the bowl of batter she had been whisking and grabbing his hand. She tugged him back down the hall and into the bedroom, Steve cursing her silently in his brain for as usual thinking of everything. She headed into the large walk in wardrobe and tossed him a Bloomingdale’s carrier bag. He arched an eyebrow as he reached inside pulling out first the sweater, and giving a loud groan as he examined the large reindeer on the front.

“Its nose lights up.” Katie grinned as she pressed it. At that he let out a snort and shook his head.

“I’m not wearing this.”

“Hey I don’t make the rules.”

“I never was one for rules.” He muttered, now examining the Pyjamas that were green with little red Santa Clauses all over them.

“Bullshit!” Katie laughed and he looked at her, as she fake saluted “Captain America reporting for duty, Sir!”

“Punk.” He shook his head as his lips quirked upwards and he waved the clothes he was holding at her. “They’re awful.”

“They’re supposed to be, that’s the point. Don’t be a Grinch…” “I have no idea what that is.”

“Ok, a Scrooge then…” “I am not dressing like an idiot.” Katie opened her mouth to make a joke about stars, stripes and spandex but he cut her off instantly, spotting the look on her face. Holding up his hand he shook his head. “Just don’t.”

After some cajoling, Katie managed to convince Steve to wear the Pyjamas for the morning. Stockings were opened, Bucks Fizz and Coffee was drunk as they exchanged gifts sitting cross legged on the floor by the fire. But Steve had one last gift for her that he hadn’t wrapped as it wasn’t a Christmas gift really, it was something he’d wanted to give her for a while now but he finally felt the time was right. He took the opportunity to retrieve it from his bag whilst she was dressing after they had eaten breakfast, grabbing the small item in his hand and crossing the room so he was stood in front of her.

“There’s something else I wanted to give you” He spoke, but as he did he found himself unable to stop his eyes from straying down the top half of her body which was clad in nothing but a bra as she pulled on the large sweater. "Huh?” Her voice was muffled as her head emerged from the hole in the sweater and she noticed him watching her. She smirked, sticking her arms through the garment. “You already did that last night. Several times remember?” “I don’t mean that.” He rolled his eyes as she started laughing before he crossed the room and stood in front of her. Katie watched as he was turning a small, circular leather box of some kind in his hand. “I found this when we were going through my stuff for the museum” he said, gently handing it to her. “I want you to have it.”

She looked down at the worn leather of the dark brown box, before pressing the small button which released the catch on the worn, dark brown leather and she carefully opened the lid. Her eyes widened as she glanced down at the delicate ring inside. The stone was a small, tear drop shaped emerald set into a yellow gold band with 3 small diamonds sat underneath the larger part of the teardrop stone. “It was my mom’s” Steve offered by explanation as she looked up at him, her eyes shining “Dad bought it for her before they left Limerick for New York, something to remind her of home.” “The Emerald Isle…” Katie smiled gently as she looked at the ring, her chest filling with warmth. “It probably isn’t worth much and I know you don’t really wear yellow gold but I was reading up that you could get it coated…” “Steve…” She shook her head as she looked up at him. “I wouldn’t dream of it. It’s beautiful.” And it was. All the more so because it had belonged to his mother. A woman she knew so much about. A woman who raised the wonderful man stood in front of her. A woman she wished with all her heard she could have met.

“Are you sure you want me to have it?” She blurted out and Steve nodded. “She gave me that specifically to pass to my someone special.” He trailed off as Katie smiled softly, taking the ring out of the box and slipping it onto the ring finger of her right hand. It was a tad loose but nothing that was too drastic to stop her wearing it for the time being. “Thank you.” Her voice cracked slightly as she looked up into his eyes, those baby blues she knew so well were misting over. “And for the record, regardless of what it’s worth or not worth, it means the world to me that you want me to have it. It’s the best Christmas present I’ve ever had”. She gently cupped his cheek in her hand before she leaned up and captured his lips in a soft kiss. “I love you.” She whispered gently as his nose rubbed against hers, their foreheads coming to a rest against one another. “Love you too.” He smiled, before giving her another quick kiss. “Enough to wear the sweater?” She pulled back, her arms snaking round his neck as his hands dropped to her waist. He glanced at the one she was wearing which made her look like a giant Christmas tree and let out a long groan. He really didn’t want to wear the hideous Christmas sweater, but as he looked at her she made those eyes, those goddamned eyes that could get him to do whatever she wanted.

He just couldn’t say no to her. He was whipped, big time. And he knew it. "Fine I’ll wear the sweater."

**** Chapter 12 Part 2

#stark spangled banner #steve rogers #steve rogers fic #steve rogers x ofc #steve rogers x original female character #Katie Stark #mcu #mcu fanfic #steve rogers smut #chris evans #chris evans characters

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poormeowmeowcollector · 3 years

Text

Trying To Balance With A Part Of Yourself Missing

Summary: Thor bargains with Odin on Loki's sentence, and he wins. Loki is moved with the Avengers to fix his past mistakes. But Odin's term changes everything, and Loki's foe is not their mistakes, but their self-image.

Warnings: each chapter has individual, the work in general is pretty dark

Notes: When a dialogue of Loki is in bold, he is speaking English. And when a line is in italics without a dialogue, it's an intrusive thought.

Chapter 5: The Doctor

Chapter summary: Banner takes Loki for the tests.

Warnings: Language, gender dysphoria, gender dysmorphia, internalized racism, intrusive thoughts, needles, blood, medical themes, mentions of child neglect [not on screen], mentions of self harm [not on screen]

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This time, Friday wakes them up, reminding them of the appointment with Banner. Loki groans and drags himself out of the bed and into the bathroom, it's better to get rid of that smell, at least for as long as it can hold.

At least Loki doesn't have to look at their body as they wash themselves, an advantage of blindness they didn't think of until now. Still, being forced to touch all the time is unpleasant and uncomfortable to no end. And trying to wash his hair without scratching his hands on the horns or his claws scratching his scalp is a task unimaginably difficult.

Loki now understands why Jötnar run around naked, wearing a shirt with these horns is almost impossible. But, they must hide the chest plate, at least from everyone but Thor. And Banner, after the examination. And, shit, he probably has to take breakfast with them…

They sigh and glance at the mirror, only to make sure they don't look so much for a mess. His appearance is acceptable, so he takes the now charged earpiece and walks away, wearing it as Friday starts instructing.

A hand touches their shoulder, making them flinch away. Thor, the owner of the hand, mutters something, probably an apology, but he can't hear it thanks to Friday. They take a breath out and smile at Thor, muttering a good morning. Thankfully, Friday stops talking.

"How are you feeling? You look…" Thor trails off, trying to appear as polite as possible.

"F-f-feverish? It's fi-fine, just-just a b-bad day," he brushes off, suddenly glad that he doesn't need Friday's translations.

"But, you're ill," Thor argues, making Loki sigh.

"I'm not-not, it's a bad d-day," they answer.

"Loki, you can't fool me. You're unwell, why don't you admit it?" he groans. Truth be told, Loki rarely admits any weakness with ease. As long as one can walk, there's no need for whining, Odin had said countless times and Loki never stopped obeying.

"I d-d-do. It's a b-bad da-day," he speaks slowly and as clearly as possible.

"Loki, you're having a fever. It's not just a bad day, and you are allowed to admit that you're ill. Please," Thor begs, actually begs. If Loki wasn't so pissed off, they'd be touched.

He pulls Thor closer, mostly to maintain some secrecy. "I am on m-m-my pe-pe-period," they hiss, watching as Thor's last brain cell comes to life.

"Oh… well, this explains the irritability of yours, brother. You know your patience always runs low these days," Thor nods, all matter-of-factly. Loki has to take deep breaths and remind themselves again and again that murder is a convicted crime, and they should not get locked up in a Midgardian prison. Or any prison, anytime soon.

Luckily, Thor remains silent after that. The only one who breaks the silence is Friday, reminding Loki that he can't eat before a blood test, or the results will not be accurate. Fine, they didn't really feel hungry anyway.

Perhaps, if you skip today's food entirely, you'll lose that disgusting bloating of yours. He tries hard to not grimace at the thought. No, they have to remind themselves, it will leave after a few days, it always does. Just do the damn tests and then eat, it's not that hard.

When they reach the kitchen, Loki can feel eyes on him and a mix of confusion and irritation in the air. Alright, just stay quiet and it will pass.

Wanda mutters a good morning, her magic swirling around her like some form of shield or blanket. Loki repeats the wish, forcing a smile. They don’t know which is worse, the jealousy building up or the guilt over the last time they listened to that feeling.

Thor helps him find a chair in the bright chaos, and even pulls it. For fucks sake, they're not unable to sit on a fucking chair! He tries to prove it by being the one who adjusts it on the table.

"Morning, dude. How're you feeling?" a man asks, Wilson. Just by his voice, he sounds kind, less judgemental.

"Fine, thank you for asking," they answer, plastering another fake smile (one of the best skills being a prince has given them).

Still, Wanda is seeing through it and attempts to find out, by using a simple mind invading spell. One that makes the base of Loki's skull feel ablaze. As loud as he can, he thinks of the word stop, making Wanda pause and retreat, her curiosity replaced with shame.

Then, a conversation occurs. Loki doesn't want to take part, but the combination of the voices and Friday's translations is overwhelming, making his head pound. Friday catches the message and stops translating, but the voices are still too fucking loud. Loki sighs and decides to just take a sip of water, and see if it'll help, but it turns to ice before it touches their lips. But fuck, he's thirsty and in pain.

A hand touches their shoulder, and they jump up, turning around to see a short person dressed in purple. "Are you ready for the tests?" He asks, Banner. Loki nods and gets up, pardoning himself before walking away.

"Are you okay?" he asks, making Loki groan.

"Wh-wh-wh-why does e-e-everyone ask me-me if I'm okay? I'm f-f-fine!" they snap, stopping only after feeling Banner freeze.

"I asked because you looked like you were about to start crying over there. No offence, they can be loud sometimes, but you didn't seem like you were taking it well," he answers, half expecting his skull to be crushed. But Loki is just ashamed he didn't hide the pain better.

"N-n-n-none t-taken. Noise is not exactly we-we-we-welcome, and I used to to-to-tone it down w-w-with spells. Now, I c-c-c-can't," they explain, just beginning to collect themselves.

"You know, you can ask Friday to deafen, if you use the earpieces. It helps," he suggests. Loki nods, happy with the silence that they fall into. At least Banner doesn't feel like he has to talk all the time, even though he's nervous. He's still afraid of him, even though it's not necessary any more.

The lab is a fucking bright room, Loki has to cover their eyes and let Banner navigate them, after lowering the lights.

During the examination, Loki comes to realize that Asgard and Midgard are opposite when it comes to healing. First, Banner promises secrecy, any information stays private until Loki asks for a leak, or in a life or death situation. And then, he just asks about everything and listens to the answer. No doubt, no comments and no painful examinations with leeches or smelly potions that make people’s skin pink. Well, the examination on light sensitivity was painful, and Loki swears to piss on the grave of whoever thought a flashlight in the eyes is a good idea, but the rest were fine.

When he was young, Odin would not easily believe Loki, no matter what. The times when they were forced in hunts that were leaving them in the healing wing for weeks or feasts until they faint on their plate due to fever are uncountable. The show would usually begin with Loki faking the illness because he’s lazy, come to its climax when Loki would be deemed delicate and weak while being tossed in the healing wing and the parade of hypocrisy would end after Loki returns to his chamber only to be forgotten there. Loki learned two lessons from this. One, if they can stand up, they're not ill, and they shouldn't bother other people with whining. And two, if he's truly ill, it's wiser to deal with it on his own than let others draw conclusions.

The change feels so odd, yet it’s so welcome.

Until the time for the blood test.

"Just follow my instructions, I'll make it as painless as I can," he promises, and then instructs Loki to lift their sleeve and show the armpit, the non-dominant one. Loki doesn't show his nervousness, and tries to appear as cold as possible when he reveals the hand, and everything he's done to it. Banner doesn't comment and doesn't show pity, but his skin grows just green enough for Loki's eyes to notice.

The other instructions were easy. Clench the fist, breathe in, breathe out and relax the hand. Banner is surprised to say the least when he sees the tube filling with blue liquid instead of red, but doesn't comment.

Do you think he could bleed you dry and be done with this shit show? Loki hitches a breath and clinches their stomach, stopping when the sound of something breaking and a hot pain blooms in their arm. Did he freeze the tube and break the needle?

Banner fetches something from a table and grabs Loki's hand, muttering something about getting the needle out. Loki hisses from the pain, and manages to freeze Banner's glove, but he still covers their hand with gauzes. The white starts turning blue and freezing in some parts, Banner is about to do something about it but Loki hums a no.

"Do you want to try again?" he asks, Loki could feel how he was expecting a negative answer. But he nods a yes and covers his right hand, so he’ll uncover the left one and clench. This time, they don't dare looking at the needle and mentally play some random songs for a distraction. Banner tells him to clench again, and then gives him some cotton to press in the hole before he vanishes behind some machine.

"What were you humming?" Banner asks, making Loki's face go ablaze.

"I… em… a song," they mutter, and mentally berate themselves for the lack of words. Banner laughs, but not out of malice. And he hands over a paper box and a bag. Loki stares at him and tilts his head, but Banner tries to brush it off as "something that's always done when someone gets a blood test". As if Loki is also a fool, apart from blind.

They're about to get dismissed and leave when Friday tell them via the earpiece that Banner will ask questions when he sees the test results. Loki sighs, it's better to be the one who tells him, right?

"Ba-banner, about th-th-the te-te-te-test, y-you may so-see some… abnormalities in th-th-the tests. It's n-normal, yet-yet-yet uncomfortable," they trail off, feeling confusion on Banner's side instead of clarity.

"Would you mind being more specific? I need to know what to ignore,"

"Hormonal, m-mostly… on, em…" he groans in frustration, feeling like an absolute fool, "on me-me-menstruation hormones… and y-y-yes, I kn-know wh-what it implies. B-but, d-don't tell anyone, only Th-th-th-thor knows," they get it out, waiting for a myriad of feeling emit from Banner. But he just makes a small oh sound and hands over another paper package.

"I guess you'll find them easier than tampons. If you finish them, just come to me. Don't try to steal Nat's, you'll be disappointed, and possibly earn a chinned tooth," he smiles, but Loki can sense the warmth from saying Romanov's name. Love, he concludes, what a complication when towards your co-worker, from what he's heard.

"W-w-w-we're done?" they raise an eyebrow and look down at Banner, glad he doesn't look afraid. Interesting, just enough inspection, and he isn't afraid any more. What a gullible scientist.

"Friday will find anything we missed, and she can help Tony make you some glasses, if you decide you want them, or inspect the brain damage from the other guy," he answers. Loki nods and is about to turn around, before thinking twice about the answer he got.

"W-w-wait, wh-wh-wh-what brain d-damage?" they blink. Apart from the nightmares, thoughts, flashbacks, headaches and general fuckery, his brain works perfectly. Well, perfectly might be an exaggeration, but the Hulk hasn’t done anything.

"You're telling me you walked around with a dead ear since the Attack and didn't notice?" Banner is now the one to raise an eyebrow.

"I w-w-was in so-so-solitary c-c-confinement until y-y-yesterday. Not much to h-h-h-hear," they explain. But… he should have heard Thor coming today in the corridor…

"Yeah, your left ear is dead, or the nerves getting messages from there to your brain. You can thank the other guy, and there's nothing to be done," he isn't exactly mild on announcing another damage on this throughout fucked up body, but it doesn't exactly matter. So, they just nod and go back to hiding under their sheets, but this time they make Friday play some music, just to cover up the silence.

~~~~~~

Taglist: @lucywrites02 @electroma89 @the-emo-asgardian @rorybutnotgilmore @hybrid-in-progress @weirdfangirl2416 @darkacademicfrom2021 @nicoistrying

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ablednt · 4 years

Note

aren’t u that blog that constantly promotes self dx and bashes professional dx? like self dx is fine but it’s a last resort for people who can’t access prof dx.

I don't bash prof dx, first off. I fully understand and respect people who needed one for any reason.

However self diagnosis should never be treated like a backup for if you can't get a prof dx and here is why:

(Disclaimer: exact details vary by country making this not fully accurate in every country also I am not saying that treatment is bad or that therapists are inherently bad I am currently trying to seek therapy but any good therapist will treat you without a diagnosis if they are aware of the legal consequences of one)

You can and likely will lose your rights for your diagnoses. It's different by country but in the US if your diagnosed with things like DID, Autism, and probs a lot more you won't be allowed to go on HRT if you're trans. You may have your children taken away if you have any, you may be prevented from donating or receiving blood or organs, if you have abusive family members they may be able to put you under a conservatorship (what happened to Britney Spears) etc.

Literally the vast majority of psychologists do not study these disorders! Do you know what they do when they prof dx? THE SAME SHIT PPL WHO SELF DX DO. The dx process is exactly the same but with a professional dx you have someone who doesn't have that thing, who has no actual first hand experiences, listening to you talk about that thing and telling you whether or not they think you have it with literally no input from the community.

By saying every one has to try to be prof dxed before they're allowed to self dx you're saying that people of color should put up with blatant racism because there's so many documented biases.

Also the criteria that therapists use to diagnose is found in the dsm5, have you read it? I have, it says that autistic people cannot take care of themselves that they're prone to self harm bc of their autism and that they should have their needs ignored it uses all the labels that autistic people ask it doesn't. It says that even if an adult fits all the criteria of ADHD that if their parents arent available to say "yeah they sucked at school and were annoying" that you shouldn't diagnose them. The criteria for personality disorders, schizophrenia, and similar are all intentionally vague and/or exclusionary to one highly stereotyped set of symptoms. They literally admitted to trying to make the criteria for DID as specific and exclusive as possible because they wanted to remove it entirely because they believed people dxed with MPD before DID was coined did not deserve treatment.

The field of psychology started historically to abuse people, they were thrown into asylums and literally beaten and subjected to horrible conditions for any presumed mental illness. This actually has not changed very much at all, even in the last century a psychiatrist was caught physically abusing his patients and using the theory he made on DID to force them to keep coming to him for therapy. Psyche wards are notorious for mistreating patients there in every aspect and I've had psyche students tell me they believe that psychologists should have the right to physically harm patients. Children professionally dxed with autism are often physically harmed at school by their teachers, physical restraint is still used and it's killed multiple autistic students.

Children and teens in abusive homes have ableist parents often who may get violent or worsen the abuse or use a dx against them legally to trap them at home. Do you give them a pass for self dx? Except here's the thing you literally don't know who's being abused and who isn't and asking ppl that is really fucked up so you should be accepting all self dx to create a welcoming and safe space for them.

Physciatrists actually misdiagnose more than people mis-self-diagnose. Which isn't a reflection on the psychiatrist as much as the fact that people know their own experiences but they very often can't explain them. An example before I met someone who had OSDD1 and would explain it to me from first hand perspective no one would have ever suspected I had a dissociative disorder and was plural Because the only words I had for my experiences were "everything before a certain date literally wasn't me idk I'm just not the same person I was" "I'm a really good writer because I talk to characters in my head all day and they respond to things even when I'm not trying to think about them and they're real to me somehow idk lol" none of that sounds like DID but I was actually describing memory gaps from switches, internal communication and presence of fictives, etc. The best guest anyone had was depression and an overactive imagination. Self dxing is literally more accurate and accessible because people can look at the community and see the disorder explained from first hand experience.

Historically (but it's still happening in some cases) therapists would literally refuse treatment to anyone who talked to other people with their diagnosis. The case I'm thinking of is people with MPD (the dx that came before DID replaced it) would be refused therapy if they spoke to anyone else with MPD outside of therapy and even forbade them from going to support groups for survivors of incestual abuse because those groups advocated for the rights of people with MPD. To this day therapists often disrespect any and all ND/mentally ill communities because we happen to know our own literal lived experiences better than them.

Oh and prof dxes are often used against people legally so if anyone is in a minority group often targeted by police that potentially puts them in even more danger if they're arrested. Least we forget there's an entire field of study dedicated to criminalizing mental illness.

This isnt even half the reasons but I'm running out of spoons (I can source most of these things but I don't have the spoons so if anyone needs a source just ask)

I'm a firm believer that the need for prof dx not be pushed on everyone when it can have permanent and negative consequences and is no better than a self dx. If someone needs a diagnosis for access to medications, for financial support, or for any other legal reason then it very well may be worth the risk but they need to have the right to understand the consequences and make that decision. Imo it's professional dxes that should be not a last resort perse but it shouldn't even remotely be your first steps, your first steps are find the community and hear their actual lived experiences bc that will be so much clearer than anything a therapist who doesn't experience that thing can explain.

Also why do you care if people self dx? Why does their not having an Official Document saying they have their disorder bother you? I think it's deeply unsettling that you think everyone in the entire world needs YOUR approval to have something.

Jsyk the sentiment that self dx is lesser than prof dx is fostered by our capitalist nt society that's benefiting off of our abuse and systematic oppression so like you're literally helping us stay oppressed with this rhetoric.

If y'all really want to be progressive and anti-capitalist like most of this site does (and should) then that goes for disability justice too. Stop helping our own communities abuse and accept that not everyone has the luxury you apparently had to never be affected by your diagnosis ever.

#long post #outbox #negative #abuse tw #ableism tw #psychiatric ward tw #psych ward tw #police tw #ask to tag #self dx discussion #anyway if you think you personally approve who deserves a self dx then youre disgusting and need to figure something out for that power trip

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ayellowcurtain · 3 years

Text

Can you write about Marti maybe getting his moms mental illness and maybe Nico helping accept that he has it.

He thought a lot about the day he would go back home. Martino is not sure if for the right reasons or not. He made himself think as much as possible about it in an attempt to not make himself anxious when the day finally came. It’s very easy for him to slip into an overthinking headspace when any change is about to happen. Going back to Rome, home, shouldn’t feel like a big change but it does after almost a month away with very little to no news from his friends. It was his choice but going back is like walking in the dark.

After a lot of therapy, and a lot of medication, his mom suggested for him to spend his holidays somewhere else, to clear his head and relax and give himself time to breathe and heal whatever he was struggling with, never able to put it into words to his loved ones. Martino didn’t want to go anywhere, obviously, but after his and Ni’s break-up, he thought it was for the best to give everyone some space and time away from him.

He would also spend way too much time and brain space stressing if Nico was already looking for someone else and so he needed to be unable to run into him any time he went somewhere.

Nico is a single man now, no matter how much it bothers Martino deep down, and he can do whatever he feels like doing with anyone he might be interested in.

“Here is your sweater, Martino.” His grandma puts it on top of his zipped bag like it will magically open and like this old lady was magically reading his mind. It’s Ni’s sweater that maybe Martino stole after one of their last nights together.

Their break up was a conscious decision they made together. Martino needed to take better care of himself and he thought Nico would be better off without having to deal with his own problems and Martino’s as a heavy plus. He wasn’t doing well and he didn’t want to pull Nico with him.

It doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other anymore, and it doesn’t mean it was easy to say no to one last night together.

“It’s like in the movies. The break-up sex.” Ni whispered against his lips with a sad smile, soon brushing them softly against the already warm and sensitive skin of Martino’s neck. He was so dumb and so cute and Martino was still so in love.

He slept wearing the sweater and pretended to forget he should leave it behind when he left Nico’s place the next morning without saying goodbye. They’re still friends but Martino thinks it’s because they’re physically apart from each other. Living in the same city again might make things change very quickly. In the back of his mind, Martino can’t help but be hopeful they can get back together in the near future but he knows it’s selfish for him to pick when they can or can’t be together so he’ll try to keep things normal.

“I washed it.” His grandma explains without being asked, pointing to the dark blue sweater still sitting on top of his bag.

“Why would you do that?” Martino frowns, looking at her, suddenly feeling his heart race and shrink with the thought that Nico’s smell is gone.

“What are you talking about? It was smelly, you used it every night to bed, I had to wash it. It was smelly.”

He bites his tongue not to curse, finally holding it and smelling it. The sweater that Martino’s brain pretended still smelled like Niccolò now smells like freshly washed clothes that were dried in the very hot, midday sun.

He’s going home, he’ll see Nico soon but the lack of his smell in a dumb piece of clothing makes a lump almost close his throat, and Martino closes his eyes not to cry.

Martino opens his bag and shoves the sweater inside, putting most of his weight on top of the bag to close it again. He says goodbye to his grandma and thanks her for letting him stay there for so long, he’s sure he wasn’t the easiest guest. She shrugs like it was nothing and gives him some snacks to eat on his train ride home.

While he’s sitting on the train by himself, Martino finally grabs his phone from the pocket on the side of his bag. It’s fully charged after a month of very little use. Martino forced himself to stay away from his phone as much as possible and Nico started this dumb tradition of sending his letters instead. He wasn’t completely offline but he’s sure whatever information of everyone he got through Nico’s letters were more or less filtered to not overwhelm him.

Everyone knows when he’s coming home because Martino told Nico and he told him he didn’t mind if the information got spread out because he knew Nico would have a hard time keeping that part to himself. So as the train stops at his station, Martino starts to worry a surprise-welcome-home party will be waiting for him at his mom’s place.

He holds his bag tighter and walks slower than usual, trying to prepare himself to pretend he’s fully recovered if the party is the actual case. He doesn’t want to make his friends feel bad for doing something he’s not ready to enjoy just yet.

Martino stops a few meters away from home when he doesn’t find any sign of a party or his friends but a huge bouquet being held by Nico, checking his phone every few seconds, walking from one side of the door to the other while waiting.

He only finds Martino when he stops a few meters away from him to not scare Nico too much, smiling, trying to ignore the blush that he knows is staining his cheeks, his whole body overheating with anxiety.

“Hi…”

“Hi! I didn’t know what time you would be coming home exactly so I decided to wait outside.” Nico acts like they haven’t spend a whole month without seeing each other, being broken up. Martino is thankful, even though he knows Nico is not doing it for him, he’s just being himself but it’s nice to have a sense of normalcy right away.

“You could have gone inside to wait...I’m sure my mom would be happy to see you.”

Nico looks over his shoulder and lifts his eyebrows, pointing to the building.

“Oh! I saw her. I went up to say hi and tell that I was here, but I...wanted to wait for you here.”

Martino smiles and nods his head, looking at the bouquet and Nico follows his gaze.

“Welcome back, Marti!” He says quietly but excited, finally offering Martino the flowers. Martino puts his bag on the floor and holds it carefully, surprised by how heavy it is and how good it smells.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted you to have a good first day back.” Nico stands on his tiptoes for a second, not sure what to do with his empty hands now, putting them inside the pockets in his jeans.

Martino touches his pockets until he finds his keys, unlocking the door and holding the door open for Nico to follow him inside.

The walk upstairs is quiet but not heavy. Martino leads the way, and Nico offers to carry his bag and Martino doesn’t argue. He can feel Nico staring at him and he wished he had more time to more himself more presentable after a long train ride, but there’s no coming back now.

“How were things around here...since I left?”

“Good...boring.”

He steps out the stairs, looking at the empty hall leading to his door and he feels his nerves floating around his stomach in antecipation. Martino waits for Nico to step out of the stairs and he just moves forward, kissing Nico without saying anything first, putting his hand in the back of Nico’s head, pressing their lips tight against each other, no room for second thoughts, Marti just wants to really enjoy this long second.

“Sorry...sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m sorry. I disappear for a month and then just kiss you out of nowhere. Sorry, Ni.”

He looks down and holds his flowers tighter, but Nico’s contagious laugh echoes around the empty hallway.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Marti. If you haven't done it, I would have.”

“Really?” Nico nods his head like that’s the obvious answer, lifting his eyebrows again, still smiling, “I thought that you had moved on.” Marti tries to explain his line of thought.

“Why? You broke things up but I never believed you. You needed time and I said okay but it doesn’t mean I just suddenly don’t want to be with you and kiss the first person I see the second you’re out of my sight.”

“Sorry. That’s not what I meant. It’s just that a month is a long time and I said I didn’t know when I was coming home.”

“I wasn’t in a rush. I would have waited for as long as you needed me to.”

Martino steps closer again now that he knows that he can, resting his forehead against Nico’s, smiling when he does, gently caressing his fuzzy cheek, happy to have Nico close again.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Marti. Let’s go inside, your mom was making us some delicious pizza.”

Martino lets Nico lead the way like he’s going home too, always looking back to see if Marti is following him. It’s funny that he needs to check because Martino would follow him anywhere.

#skam italia #martino rametta #niccolò fares #martino x niccolò #nicotino #skamit

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