#We WILL get to effortless text someday

[hiddenbysuccubi]

"Why's it necessary to have transphobes calling X character their deadname-" To show exactly what we face. That it is ugly and unnecessary. To parallel their grandmum fumbling but doing their best. To show how I still have to hear my birth name in legal settings. To show that my mom isn't really an ally but is trying for my sake. to show humanity and that it isn't just easy A B C the character is This without even Trying. To connect with a varied audience. Why the entirety of fuck do you want it sugar coated and dumbed down for you? In a perfect world yes it DOESN'T MATTER. But for how often it does matter - IT MATTERS. It matters that I get to see this character facing the harship I have faced AND SHRUGGING IT OFF. It does MATTER that their family accepts them even if they struggle with correcting the pronoun they use. The Star Beast handled this correctly and I'm glad our LGBT rep producer handled this the way he did. I'm sorry that the younger generations don't appreciate this the way I do.

#Doctor Who #Sorry not sorry #The Star Beast #You have to appreciate subtext to appreciate when they break through subtext to just make it text #some of the posts I've read recently want to jump through a dozen hoops without effort or appreciating the mainstream backlash it takes #AT ALL #We won today #it's wonderful #Now stop discounting everyone who came before you to enjoy it #We WILL get to effortless text someday #Now stop belittling those of us who didn't get this when we were your age and discouraging those who can give us this now #Do we deserve better yes #But this is something huge for BBC and a newly backed Disney narrative #And remember not to be prejudiced and phobic to those who experience queer different than you or face being no better than the haters

[mybigfatheartpoems]

heartbreak in 11 parts (unsent texts.)

1. I’d like to pretend that I’m fine, that I’m moving on and doing okay, but I’m not okay. I still cry about you. I think about you every day. Every song reminds me of you. I miss your arms around me and your hands and your mouth. I miss your eyes. I miss hearing you say you’re obsessed with me. It’s insane and sad and nonsensical. You’re a ghost in my head. I can’t get rid of you.

2. The truth is, I’d still give you my heart if you asked for it. If you told me tomorrow that you wanted me back, I’d run to you without question. I’d kiss you until we forgot we were ever apart. And somewhere in my mind, I’d think — this is a huge risk. I’d ask myself, are you sure? What if he hurts you again? What if you ruin each other? What if you’re still not enough for him? Do you really want to take that chance? And the answer would be yes. Obviously it wouldn’t be easy, it would take work and patience and conflict and compromise, but you’d be worth it. If there’s a chance it could work, I’d still want to try. You made my heart so happy in the short time we were together that any more time with you would be precious in and of itself, regardless of the outcome. Knowing you is a gift. Loving you would be effortless. And I want to, god I want to.

I understand your hesitation. I know your concerns and they’re valid and important. I know why you don’t think we have a chance. I just can’t help wondering, is this truly how it’s supposed to be if we both hate it so much? If it feels so wrong? Everything in me is telling me to fight for this, to convince you to live in the moment with me, but logically I know it would be pointless. Idk. Something about us is special. The way we fit, our common interests, our similarities, the timing, the chemistry, our locations — it felt like fate. I’ve been grieving this loss for weeks and I’m no closer to acceptance.

I’m grateful to have you in my life in whatever way I can, full stop. You’re amazing and I don’t want to lose you, and I’d be honored to be your friend. I’m just not sure I’ll find this kind of connection with someone else. Maybe someday, years from now, but I just want you. It’s pathetic and selfish and scary but it’s how I feel. I don’t want to feel this way, I wish I could turn it off, wish I could break this magnetic pull you have on me, but I can’t. Why is it so hard?

I know this is a lot and it’s unfair, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to overwhelm you just because I am overwhelmed with everything I’m still feeling. You owe me nothing. I just want you so badly and everything hurts.

3. One of the hardest parts of this is not inviting you over when I’m home with nothing to do. I’ve never craved someone like this.

4. You said it was me, that I was your type. I can still be your type. I still wanna be yours.

5. Maybe this is all just temporary infatuation. Maybe I’m being childish, thinking these feelings won’t one day disappear, like they all do. Maybe it’s naïve, imagining a future with you where there isn’t one. I have too much hope. I want more than I can have.

6. I’m trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, that maybe I’m better off without you, that I’ll feel better once more time passes, but it all sounds like bullshit. Not talking to you, trying not to think about you, it feels wrong. I hate this. I can’t stand it.

7. Sometimes it hurts so bad I don’t want to get out of bed. I do, because I have to, but it’s hard. There’s a pit in my stomach and I’m nauseous about it all day. Some days I’m fine, I’m distracted, I can forget for a while. But when I’m alone with my thoughts, it just hurts.

8. I’m realizing the space that you need doesn’t help me at all, but I know this isn’t just about me. I want you to be okay, and if we want any chance at developing a friendship, I know I’ve got to give you that space. I just didn’t expect it to be this hard.

9. Everything reminds me of you. But I know I can’t have you, so I’m going to try to move on. I’m going to try and eventually I will succeed. Part of me hopes you are filled with regret when I do. Part of me hopes we can remain friends when I do. Part of me hopes you come back to me some day. Part of me never wants to see you again.

10. I still think about you. I still miss you. The thought of us still makes me sad. But it doesn’t tear me apart the same way anymore. It’s just a dull ache. But it’s there and idk when it’ll go away.

11. It breaks my heart to let you go. But I’m letting you go.

#unsent texts #poem #spilled ink #poetry #free verse #text poetry #text poem #heartbreak #moving on #j

[thestarlightforge]

“Is There A World”

3/15/24

******

My mood’s so fuckin erratic

Cause tell me why I’m ecstatic

Over one hearted text

From a pretty not-a-girl?

A joke I made look effortless

That took 3 hours to write—

Just like everything in my life:

Appearing mysteriously

Apparating as if magically

Never sharing the struggle

Like the wizard boy I always wanted to be—

Henry Rose Murphey.

Say his name, why don’t we?

I’m hungry for connection

But I hate my own voice

And I wish I knew how to make the choice

To treat those texts I send

The way I feel when I receive them:

Like little bursts of light sent along the weave.

I send them, and half the time, all that I perceive

Is “I’m a bother. A roach. A waste.”

That it’s what I get for taking up space.

I ask for conversation and feel needy

Even though logic says the feeling deceives me

Because if one them suggested

I’d trade a moment of savoring their voices,

That their little texts don’t have me rejoicing,

That they aren’t why I believe in magic to begin with,

I’d say, “that, there, is a myth

Deeper than Medusa.”

That despite my trauma,

Despite my fear of even looking their way,

I wish we could stay just like this, forever.

That sometimes, I wish they would cut off my head

Because at least then, if they go, they could take me instead

And my gaze, still, could guard them.

Speaking of the gays—

An unacceptable segue,

But the lesbian casting in Percy Jackson practically confirmed it—

I also hate how much of this

Is just outside hate turned inward,

Because children don’t start off this way.

Their hearts become corrupted because they learn to say

These cruel things to themselves and others.

And I wish it were, “If I had my druthers,

I’d go back and do it all again.”

Maybe then, I could pretend

My writer’s voice could fix it all,

That people there wouldn’t still install

These hateful thoughts inside my head,

And maybe, thereabouts, instead

I could find the right thing, at the right time, to say

To a younger me, or them—to make them stay.

Like one magic word was indeed too much,

And by editing a moment longer, such—

That I would never breathe this present day

Because my something else to say

Would’ve led to different Wonderlands—

I could have avoided this dread I know by heart.

Where, in the dead of night, I start

To chase self-hate down rabbit holes.

But Alice wouldn’t ever know

The feel of my loved ones’ shoulders

When we hug, when it’s quiet, because there’s nothing (and everything) left to discuss.

Love is a choice.

That’s a fact I don’t always like

Because it means, in fact, in spite

Of whatever you may feel,

In order for love to be real

It has to be given, and taken, and given back.

It means that love is an act.

Not of falsehood necessarily,

But one to be rehearsed, practiced carefully

Until you learn your lines, your relations, your space

And only then can you erase

That frailty in your spirit

From when you said “I love you,”

And then, they wouldn’t go near it.

But this need for recursion doesn’t always disturb me.

I admit, it took a lot of therapy

To believe this dark, ominous cloak

Wasn’t just some cosmic joke.

But after years of guided wandering,

I’ve found a glint of comfort, pondering

That rehearsal is my happy place.

It’s where I learned to gently trace

The outlines of a life in which

Someday, I could flip that switch

And understand that, when I talk,

My friends think, “I love you, too.”

A version where I start anew.

And maybe that can be true

With a little verse or a text.

Perhaps I won’t always panic,

Assessing what might happen next,

And learn to trust and love myself,

Recover a bit of mental health,

Because they are the stars

And my texts got a heart

And maybe, the warmth they give me, I give them, too—

And that’s a good enough start.

#Fiona’s Art Journal #spoken word #prose poetry #poetry #theatre #lgbtqia #genderqueer #trans #transgender #recovery #mental health #depression #social anxiety #internalized ableism #internalized homophobia #self worth #self love #friendship #love

[holidaywishes]

It’s Just Sex

  Requested: 👍

  Summary/Request: So I was hoping for maybe a bi reader and her and Fred have kind of like a sugar daddy/dom kind of relationship but not very intense more of a soft caring dom with real feelings there as well. anyway, before the reader met Fred she was in a kind of friends with benefits relationship with a woman and that relationship was also very dom/sub centred and maybe her old lover comes to Toronto for maybe a business trip or something (I’m imagining powerful businesswoman vibes here) and asks the reader to meet her for drinks and when she tells Fred and explains their relationship to him somehow Fred ends up joining them for drinks and maybe her ex lover suggests something and it goes from there 👀

  Warning: smut as requested, drug use, maybe some fluff, maybe some angst or jealousy?

  Author’s Note: Gonna be honest, my experience is limited in, like, all aspects so I don’t know how this will turn out or if it will really be what you’re looking for, anon, but I’m taking my best shot. I hope you still enjoy it! I also want to apologize if I took any missteps in the way I talked about bisexuality — my intention is never to offend and this was my first time writing a bi reader so please feel free to let me know if/where I went wrong. Stay Golden loves <3!

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

  You grew up in Antigonish, a small town in Nova Scotia, so you were used to more of a slow paced life. You got good grades, never broke the law and the only form of rebelling you did came in the form of stealing a five cent candy from the convenience store on the corner of Main Street. So when you moved to Boston for University, you expected to be overwhelmed but you didn’t expect to meet anyone -- but then she showed up

  “Hi there” a voice said confidently behind you, leading you to turn around slowly to see who she was talking to

  “Me?” you asked, surprised when she nodded with a smile, “oh, hi”

  “I saw you order a Manhattan and I thought to myself, ‘now that’s my type of girl’” she joked

  “Honestly, I hate it,” you admitted, playing with the base of the glass, “I thought I was ordering a Cosmopolitan but Manhattan sounded more familiar so I ordered that but now...”

  “You’re cute,” the woman said, taking the empty seat next to you, “I love Manhattan’s so I’ll happily take yours but let me get you your Cosmo”

  “You don’t have to...” you blushed

  “I know” she replied confidently, earning a shy smile from you

  “I’m (Y/N) by the way”

  “Adrianne,” she smiled, “but all my friends call me Roxy”

  “Why Roxy?” you chuckled and she gave some wrap around answer about it being an inside joke from middle school. You were mesmerized with her the entire night. The way she spoke. The way she took small sips from her drink and licked her lips. The way her dark hair would brush across her exposed skin of her back as her smile hypnotized you. The way her hand grazed your knee when she made a joke or the sound of her laugh when you didn’t know she was flirting with you. She gave you her number at the end of the night and you spent the next week trying to think of exactly what to say, “she’s way too good for me” you sighed, pushing your phone across the counter

  “Why?” Your best friend, Nicole, asked. You two went to high school together so she had a habit of hyping you up when she thought you needed it most

  “If you had seen her, you would agree with me, Nic. She just has this way about her,” you gushed, “she’s just cool and charming and way too good for me”

  “You are amazing. Who cares if this girl is ‘cool,’ we’re not in high school anymore so you just need someone who is going to see how amazing you are”

  “Nic, I don’t even know if she wants to start something...”

  “You said she gave you her number right?”

  “Yeah...”

  “So she obviously wants something”

  “Yeah but is all she wants sex? Because I don’t know if I’m the hook up type”

  “Text her. Call her. Find out what she’s looking for” she smirked, filling up a glass of water from the faucet to drown out any argument you tried to make. You scoffed at her ability to brush you off before you grabbed your phone and sent Adrianne a text

  “Wanna go to dinner?” you asked simply

  “I could eat” she replied. Later that night, you found yourself standing outside the restaurant, taking a deep breath before stepping inside, knowing she was waiting for you. It was an effortless night; you laughed, you told her some of your weirdest childhood stories, she told you about her family and what she was doing in Boston. The night was rounded out by following her back to her apartment and letting your bodies take over. You thought that the date went well but you didn’t see her for a few months when she randomly texted you, an occurrence that would happen every two weeks or so from that point on, and it became very clear to you that she was looking for a ‘friend with benefits.’ You weren’t a huge fan of it but you couldn’t get Adrianne out of your head so you went along with it but she didn’t seem to take it well when you said you had gotten a job in Toronto

  “We’ve been doing this for years, Roxy,” you whined, finally able to call her by her nickname, “I’ve graduated, we’ve graduated. I have a chance to start my life with a really successful company and I don’t know why you wouldn’t want me to take it. It’s not like you need me to stick around for anything. You're the one who didn’t want to have any commitments so this shouldn’t cause any problems for you”

  “I just don’t get why you wanna go back to Canada” she said with a tinge of disgust on her words and you felt a rush of rage roll through you

  “Because it’s home” you said plainly, scoffing before turning on your heels

  “(Y/N)” she sighed

  “Adrianne,” you replied softly, “I really hope we can see each other again someday. You will always be such an important part of my life but I need to take this step”

  “I understand,” she smiled, “I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean anything about--”

  “I know,” you interrupted with a smile, “I’ll see you.. when I see you.” As soon as you landed in Toronto, a giant grin spread across your face because it finally felt like home. You walked into e=mc2 on your first day anxious to get started and they did not waste any time putting you to work

  “Alright, (Y/N), so we’ve got a wedding on Friday, a conference on Wednesday, a sweet sixteen next month that we have to settle all the details for next week, a gala in about 3 months -- give or take -- that is going to take a lot of work and a lot of time,” your boss explained, rambling slightly as the two of you rushed around the office, “and then there’s all the smaller events that we do. You’ll be very busy. Are you okay with all of this?”

  “Of course!” you exclaimed, struggling to keep up with her footsteps

  “We know it can be a bit jarring at first, because it all happens so quickly, which is why we put a clause in your contract that states you have a 30 day trial period. Like a subscription to Netflix,” she laughed, “to see if you can handle it or if you want to drop it”

  “Smart,” you smirked, taking a breath when your boss finally stopped in the break room and got himself a glass of water, “but I don’t think I’ll need it. I love the fast paced environment”

  “Good,” she smiled in return, “I think you’ll fit in really well here.”

xx

Freddie’s P.O.V

  You had noticed her once before. She was running through the building, clearly stressed about something, when you were walking back to your apartment with Auston. You saw her again a few weeks later, having lunch in the café across the street; you found yourself waiting for the next time you’d see her would be.

  “Shit shit shit” you heard someone whisper from down the hall, finding her rushing down the corridor with an arm full of papers. You tried to move out of her way, not wanting to cause her undue stress when her shoulder connected with your arm sharply

  “Oomph” the two of you said in tandem as her papers went flying

  “Ow,” she groaned as she rubbed her shoulder, her eyes still not looking up at yours while she tried to collect everything that you’d made her drop, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going. I’m just in a bit of a rush...”

  “That’s alright” you said softly and she finally looked up at you

  “I... I really am sorry. I’ve been told I need to be more careful” she smiled

  “Really, it’s fine. No harm done,” you replied, “do you have time for a drink?”

  “Uhm,” she hesitated, fixing the bag on her shoulder, “I can’t... I have a lot of work to do. I’m sorry”

  “How about tomorrow?” you called when she hastened down the hall and she looked back at you, not saying anything, “I’m Freddie by the way!” she stopped where she stood before turning around and letting a smile grow on her face

  “(Y/N)!” she returned. The two of you eventually met up for lunch and, after that, couldn’t stop talking to each other; you couldn’t stop thinking about her. “I want to be very clear...” she started one day, after months of day dates, midnight snacks and weekly hookups. You furrowed your brow at her words, “I don’t want to just mess around. I did that once, with my ex, and it wasn’t right for me. If you don’t want a relationship, that’s fine, but tell me now because I don’t wanna waste my time.” Her bluntness was a breath of fresh air and you couldn’t help but be more attracted to with every word she spoke

  “I wouldn’t want to waste your time...” you smirked, wanting to keep her on her toes just a little longer. “I don’t want to mess around either. I’ve done that before and I don’t want to do it anymore either. I want to be with you” she jumped into your arms and crashed her lips onto yours. From then on, the two of you were almost inseparable, learning new things at every turn, “I’ve never heard of Antigonish” you said when she told you about her hometown

  “It’s small but it’s cute. It’s a good place to raise a family...”

  “What about that?” you asked, “a family? You want one?”

  “Are you asking if I want kids?” she teased

  “Maybe”

  “Do you want kids?”

  “Yeah,” you laughed, “I want a big family. Lots of kids”

  “How many is lots?” she asked seriously

  “As many as you’ll give me”

  “Aww aren’t you cute”

  “I know” you joked and she pushed your shoulder playfully. After nearly two years, she had never really opened up her exes, no matter how many times you asked, and it was starting to really get on your nerves

  “Why are you getting so mad?” she yelled

  “Why won’t you be honest with me?”

  “I really don’t have any ‘exes’ so there’s nothing to talk about”

  “You said that your ex just wanted to mess around, so obviously you had at least one ex” you argued

  “I.. I called her my ex because it was easier to explain than we were ‘friends with benefits’ because it was more than that to me but it wasn’t to her but I hate the term ‘complicated’ even if it’s what it was,” she countered, still trying to argue her point but you were caught up on the fact that her ex was a girl that you couldn’t focus. “Freddie?”

  “Sorry,” you shook your head, “you said her. Your ex is a girl?”

  “Yeah...” was all she said, earning a scoff from you

  “That’s it?”

  “What’s the problem?”

  “Was it like an experiment?”

  “An exper-- no it wasn’t an experiment,” she scoffed, “I’m bisexual”

  “And you never thought to tell me?!”

  “It’s not a big deal so I.. didn’t think to mention it”

  “It is a big deal!” you shouted

  “Why? Why is it a big deal?”

  “You dated a woman!”

  “And I’ve dated men... plus, I told you, I didn’t date her. We just hooked up”

  “Look, I don’t care the bisexual thing. I just don’t get why you didn’t tell me about it?” you asked, sitting down on the couch

  “I don’t know... I guess I wasn’t sure how you’d react. Not everyone accepts it, my grandparents sure as hell didn’t” she sighed

  “I love you,” you said, “I’m not your grandparents. You love who you love and that shouldn’t be helped. I’m just happy that I’m the one you love this time”

  “I do love you,” she smiled, wrapping her arms around your neck, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner but thank you for not... overreacting.”

  “Let’s just make this the last secret for a while okay?” you chuckled

  “I can make that work.”

xx

  “I’m in town” a number you didn’t recognize texted you and you racked your brain about who it could be

  “Sorry... who is this?”

  “Ha ha very funny”

  “Nicole?” you sent, thinking that your best friend changed her number

  “No?”

  “Charlie?”

  “Seriously (Y/N)?”

  “I’m sorry. I really don’t know who this is. I don’t recognize this number...”

  “It’s Roxy” your cursor blinked in the empty space of your text box while you tried to think of something to say. It had been almost five years since you last saw her but seeing her name on the screen still made your heart race. Without even trying, she’d begun messing with your head all over again

  “Oh. Hi”

  “Oh. Hi?” she repeated your message before quickly sending another, “really that’s all I get?”

  “I wasn’t expecting to hear from you...”

  “We said we’d keep in touch. That didn’t happen, clearly”

  “You’re a busy woman. Last I heard, you were well on your way to being a CEO at some Fortune 500 company”

  “Ah yes. That planned changed”

  “It did?” you replied quickly, intrigued about what she could be in town for

  “It did. It was fun while it lasted but I’m still busy, I like it that way”

  “What are you up to then?”

  “Well... I think we should meet up and talk about it. I would love to see you” You could picture her lips speaking those words. The way her tongue lingered on the back of her teeth as if she didn’t want the ‘L’ to escape her mouth before her breath could reach it. The way her grin would shape the sound of ‘you’ to make it sound more like an invitation than a word. You saw it all in your head and your fingers responded before you could stop them

  “Sure! What about Friday?”

  “Sounds good. I heard of a bar called The Cloak Bar that has a great vibe. I’m excited to try it”

  “Yeah I’ve heard of it. Do you mind if I bring someone along?” you asked, biting the inside of your cheek nervously

  “Not at all”

  “Great! See you Friday!”

  “(Y/N)?” Freddie said when he saw you staring you at your phone screen in silence, “babe?”

  “Huh?” you said, still frazzled by the conversation you’d just had

  “Everything okay? You look a little distracted...”

  “Wanna go to a bar on Friday?” you blurted out

  “Sure..” he scoffed

  “Good. Great. Good,” you stammered, “that’s good. You’ll get to meet an old friend of mine.. from Boston...”

  “An old friend?” he asked before you finally met his gaze, “an old friend.. your ex...”

  “She’s in town and wants to... catch up”

  “I’m sure she does” he teased, sitting down beside you

  “Don’t be like that. She texted me... I could’ve not invited you, she knows you’re coming”

  “She knows your boyfriend is coming?”

  “She knows you’re coming...”

  “(Y/N)...” he scoffed with a smile, dropping his head, “you didn’t say ‘my boyfriend is coming’ did you?” your silence said everything it needed to and Freddie fell back into the couch

  “I’m sorry!” you tried, embarrassed about what happened, “everything happened so fast! I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know why I didn’t say something about you, why I didn’t mention your name, I’m so sorry! But I do want you there!”

  “Relax,” he smirked, wrapping his arm around your waist and kissing your cheek, “It’s fine. I get it and you know what? I’m excited to meet this ‘Roxy’“

  “Good. You’ll like her!” you exclaimed, “but don’t call her Roxy... it’s an inside thing. I just wouldn’t want her to like hate you before getting to know you”

  “Okay,” he chuckled, “I promise, I’ll behave.” When Friday came along, you had changed your outfit countless times and you couldn’t calm your breathing; Freddie was finally able to calm you down enough that you could pick an outfit but your nerves were still getting the best of you. You showed up early and found a booth near the back and waited for Adrianne to walk through the door, watching your boyfriend’s reaction whenever you took your eyes off the entrance. “Babe... stop. You’re gonna be fine,” you laughed as he pressed a kiss to your lips, “I’m here for you.”

  “I’m just so nervous... I know I shouldn’t be but I am” you said before taking a deep breath and training your eyes back on the door

  “Is that her?” Freddie asked, nodding to the crowd of people who just walked in and you searched to see if she was among them. When you finally saw her, your first thought was she hasn’t changed a bit

  “Yeah... that’s her” you sighed, watching as her smile went wide when she found you. She was wearing, what looked like, a pin striped suit -- tapered legs with the highest stilettos you’d ever seen topped with a one button blazer, low enough that both you and Freddie could tell she was only wearing a bra underneath

  “Holy shit” you heard him gasp and you hit his chest before Adrianne got to the table

  “(Y/N),” she said in a sultry voice, the same one she’d used that night you first met, “it’s so good to see you again. You look great”

  “Me?” you blushed, “look at you! You look.. wow, just... wow”

  “Thank you” she smiled, her eyes moving to Freddie slowly

  “Sorry, this is my boyfriend. This is Freddie, Freddie this is Adrianne”

  “Nice to meet you” Freddie greeted politely, outstretching his hand to shake hers but Adrianne only smirked in return before taking a seat beside you, tucking herself quite close to you

  “It’s nice to meet you as well, Freddie...”

  “So.. tell me. What’s new? What brings you to the City?” you asked, moving closer to Freddie and his arm draped over your shoulder

  “I’m working on something. A merger, more or less, with the company I’m working for in Boston and one based out of Toronto. It appears the Canadians are not too keen to share with us Bostonian's” she laughed and you felt her hand land on your knee

  “Let’s get some drinks!” you said, clearing your throat, “they have great cocktails here!”

  “Don’t mind if I do” she said in the same sultry tone as before, peering over at Freddie, her hand still stationed on your knee and you could tell she was planning something; what that something was, remained to be seen.

xx

Adrianne’s P.O.V

  You weren’t expecting her to be in a relationship. Not that she wasn’t the type, just that she didn’t give you the impress she was dating but you could see why she was with him. He was big and he looked strong, she probably loved his hands on her body, his fingers inside her; god you missed having your fingers inside her. The way that she sunk into him told you that she felt safe with him and the way that he looked at her told you that he loved her and would likely do anything for her. You bit your lip as you watched the two of them interact, asking questions when you felt like it, keeping that ere of mystery about yourself that you’d always liked to. After two rounds of specialty cocktails and an extra old fashioned you ordered for (Y/N), the group was starting to loosen up a little

  “Babe, I need to get out,” she whispered to Freddie, leaning against his chest as she spoke, “can you move a little?”

  “Where’re you going?” he smirked

  “I have to pee” she giggled

  “Why don’t you just crawl over him?” you teased, half-expecting her to challenge you but wanting to see what she’d choose, when she squinted her eyes in mild annoyance before straddling her boyfriend, pecking his lips gently and shifting her body to the open space beside him.

  “You really bring out a different side of her, don’t you?” he smirked

  “I guess I just know a different version of her” you replied

  “So.. what kind of person handles mergers? What’s your job title?” he pried

  “Technically, I’m an Investment Advisor. That’s what it says on my business card but if you ask my bosses they’ll tell you I’m the badass who manages their portfolios so they don’t get fired or arrested for fraud” you replied proudly

  “Shit,” he scoffed, “sounds important”

  “What do you do?”

  “Nothing nearly as important,” he laughed, “I’m a goaltender. In the NHL”

  “For Toronto?” you asked, genuinely intrigued and he nodded, “well damn. That’s pretty cool. I’m starting to get a better idea why (Y/N) likes you”

  “I mean.. she’s not with me because of my job” he clarified but you could tell you had shaken him

  “Are you sure?” you teased, the situation moving more and more in your favour

  “I--”

  “I’m back!” she interrupted, a grin wide across her face as she slipped back into the booth, reaching across Freddie to grab her drink

  “So..” you continued, ending the conversation between you and Freddie, “what are the plans for the rest of the night, you two?”

  “Fred’s got practice tomorrow afternoon so we probably shouldn’t be out too late” she admitted, draping her arm over his shoulder before kissing his cheek

  “We could go somewhere,” you added, noticing Freddie’s head snap back to you as a glare pierced through you, “just us girls. Catch up some more, dance a little? Like old times?”

  “Rox..” she laughed, climbing onto her boyfriends lap, “I’m not really up for dancing tonight. I kinda miss our bed. All this alcohol is hitting me at once and I just wanna lay down”

  “Hold on,” you mocked, “are we not young? Are we not healthy? Are we not vivacious?”

  “Vivacious?” she chuckled

  “Are we not sexy?” you added

  “I don’t wanna dance tonight, Roxy” she countered

  “I have something for you,” you smiled, glancing at Freddie, “for us”

  “What’s that?” he asked

  “Ecstasy” you said plainly, laughing as (Y/N) choked on her drink

  “Hey!” she squirmed, “that’s illegal!”

  “Relax,” you teased, “we’re not gonna get caught. I only have two tablets, so you each can have half”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea...” (Y/N) hesitated and you shrugged, swallowing the small pill quickly

  “What?” you asked, “I’m not gonna waste a perfectly good pill, a perfectly good night, just because you’re not going to or because your boyfriend here as to stand around on ice tomorrow afternoon”

  “Roxy, don’t be rude!” she yelled before Freddie threw the pill in his palm down his throat, taking a swig of (Y/N)’s old fashioned to chase it down, “FREDDIE?!”

  “Babe, come on. It’ll be fine. Nothing bad will happen, I promise” he assured her

  “We’re here for you” you added

  “It’ll be fun” he said, nuzzling her neck with his nose and kissing her collarbone. She looked at the pill in her hand then back at you and Freddie, “why don’t we try something?”

  “I don’t know what else you guys want me to try?” she whined, earning a small laugh from the two of you, “what?”

  “No babe,” Freddie whispered, taking the pill from her palm, “let me take this and you just...” he leaned in, placing his fingers under her chin to bring her close to him, kissing her slowly and you watched as their tongues danced together, exchanging the pill. You noticed her hands tug at the fabric on his shoulders and you suddenly wondered how fast he could make her cum and if you could do better.

  “Maybe should we get out of here...” you leaned in between them, catching (Y/N)’s stare while her puffy lips pouted and her breath began to build. She looked back at Freddie, biting her lip as she tried to gauge his reaction. When he looked over at you, you raised your eyebrows as if to say ‘come on’ and he nodded in return; the three of you took a car back to Freddie’s apartment, you and Freddie unable to keep your hands off of (Y/N). You sat behind her, hands on her hips, before you pushed her hair away from her neck, planting kisses along the side up to her ear while Freddie messaged her thighs and kissed her shoulder and her hand snaked to the back of his neck. Her moans filling the car let you know that the Ecstasy was kicking in, her hand falling from Freddie’s neck to your leg told you that tonight was going to be exactly what you hoped for.

xx

  You didn’t know how it happened but when the three of you stumbled into Freddie’s apartment, you were hypnotized by the sensations covering your body. Roxy kept her hands firmly on your waist as her lips continued to softly kiss your neck while Freddie directed the two of you to his bedroom, the windows covering the room in an amber hue.

  “Lay down” Roxy whispered. You looked at Freddie before sitting down on the bed, not losing eye contact with him. Roxy was the first to take off any clothing, unbuttoning her blazer to expose the lacy bra she had underneath; you forgot how amazing her body was and you couldn’t control your hands reaching out to touch her. She smiled before leaning in to nip at your lips, placing her hands on either side of you as she hovered over you, making sure you were laying flat on the bed. You noticed her and Freddie exchange a look as if they could read each other’s minds; Roxy moved behind you while Freddie took her place in front of you. They started peeling of your clothes before their hands roamed your body, Roxy pulling you up gently to rest you in her lap before she leaned down to press a soft kiss to your lips. Freddie was taking his time with you, slowly kissing your thighs and teasing your core as he traded his lips from one thigh to the next, his breath cascading over your skin and driving you mad the more time that went by

  “Oh god” you whined at the lack of connection you were getting, catching Freddie’s smirk as he pulled back to pull off his shirt and Roxy began massaging your scalp. You saw the two of them glare at each other before your eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of Roxy’s fingers tangling in your hair

  “You wanna fuck her?” you heard Freddie say, feeling his body hover over yours, “huh? Is that what you came here for?”

  “That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?” Roxy returned

  “This was your plan wasn’t it? When you texted her, you just didn’t think I’d be here” Freddie grumbled

  “I had no idea you existed” she challenged, forcing your eyes to open

  “What the hell is going on?” you yelled to them, sitting up so you were between them. Neither of them answered you, they only glared at each other before continuing to kiss either side of your neck, Roxy’s hand trailing down your body until she found your clit; circling it until you let out a raspy moan, “fuck!” Freddie continued kissing down your body, stopping to kiss your nipples for moment before he stood up to take off his jeans

  “Sit up” Roxy whispered in your ear and you obliged, wrapping your arms around Freddie’s neck to pull him close to you, pushing your breasts to his chest while his hands grabbed your hips and Roxy removed her pants before taking her place behind you once more. “You’re so wet, baby” she smirked as your back began to arch at her touch

  “You look so sexy” Freddie added lowly and you dropped your head against Roxy’s lap until she moved back to lay your head onto the mattress, placing her legs on either side of your head, encouraging you to begin working at her orgasm. You felt Freddie push your legs apart before he guided himself into you, eliciting a loud moan that rippled through Roxy, forcing her to curse into the open space. You pressed your tongue flat against Roxy’s folds as Freddie rocked into your hips, allowing your ministrations to reach Roxy without you trying too much but when she ground her hips down a little, you brought your fingers up, curling them inside her as Freddie’s hands gripped your waist and ground himself into you, harder and harder, you had to stop what you were doing

  “Fuck!” you screamed, reaching out for him with one hand while your other remained where it was, your fingers pumping in and out of Roxy until she reached her climax. She sat back against the pillows as Freddie continued to fuck you, eventually swinging her legs to the side and making her way behind Freddie. You watched as she traced her fingers up his arms, kissing his shoulders while he crashed his hips against yours

  “How tight does she feel?” you heard Roxy whisper to Freddie

  “So tight” he moaned, Roxy continuing to glide her fingers across his body

  “Such a beautiful pussy isn’t it?” she smirked, kissing his neck in the process

  “God yes” he growled, wrapping his arms around your waist to bring you up

  “Make her cum” Roxy whispered once more, her hands moving to push his hips into yours. Their breathing synced with each other as they brought you to a mindless state of bliss

  “Fuck” you breathed, the two of them crashing on the bed beside you, your chests rising and falling in sync.

  “Well shit” Roxy laughed

  “That was great” you smiled

  “We’re not done yet...” she said before your hand fell into Freddie’s chest. He brought it to his lips and you felt him smile against your skin before they moved you up against the pillows. You were exhausted, and you couldn’t say you were surprised; a threesome seemed like a lot of work without the drugs and alcohol and just as much with them. You lazily danced your finger across Freddie’s arm as you caught your breath, letting your free hand glide up Roxy’s leg before she smiled at you. She cupped your face with her hand and pressed her lips to yours, parting your lips with her tongue, allowing you to melt into her body; you felt Freddie’s erection push into your ass before his lips connected with your earlobe. His hands pulled your hips into him while you continued to kiss Roxy, your fingers now tangling in her hair, before you felt Freddie thrust into you from behind. You hummed at the sensation but couldn’t break the kiss you were sharing with Roxy, letting Freddie fuck you as hard as he could.

  “Fuck baby, you feel so good” he moaned

  “Fuck” you moaned in return, catching Roxy’s eyes before she kissed down your body until she reached your centre. Circling your clit with her tongue as Freddie fucked you from behind, your body becoming overwhelmed by sensation. It wasn’t long before you reached your second high, letting out a squeal as both Freddie and Roxy found the exact right spot at the same time, Freddie biting your shoulder as he kept himself inside you until he came. You fell back into his chest, panting as you calmed down, smirking when Roxy didn’t come back up from where she was. “What are you doing down there?” you laughed

  “I’m just catching my breath” she replied

  “I’ll be right back” Freddie said, kissing your temple before getting up and heading into the en suite bathroom. He came back with a damp face cloth and began cleaning you up, turning your body gently to make sure he didn’t miss anything. Roxy scoffed when he left without doing the same for her, “I thought I’d get a clean cloth for you” he said as soon as he came back in the room, doing the same for her as he did for you.

  “Well aren’t you just... perfect” she said, “prince of aftercare”

  “He’s pretty great” you smiled

  “Thanks,” he chuckled, “can I get anyone anything from the kitchen? Water?”

  “No I’m good, thanks babe”

  “I’ll take some wine if you got it. Wine always helps level me out after E” Roxy said

  “You got it, Adrianne” he smirked, making his way downstairs quickly, leaving the two of you to giggle and gossip about him

  “You really love him don’t you?” she said, pushing herself up onto the pillows where you were

  “I do” you confessed

  “You guys are good together” she replied and you could tell there was something she wasn’t saying

  “Thanks...” you furrowed your brow, “what’s wrong, Rox?”

  “Nothing,” she scoffed and you tilted your head, “no really. I just.. didn’t think I’d find you so domesticated”

  “Domesticated?” you laughed, “what about this night says ‘domesticated?’”

  “Not this night,” she smiled, “just how you are with him. It’s sweet. It’s just not what I expected”

  “What did you expect?” you questioned

  “I guess I thought you’d be independent. Being a boss ass bitch, like me,” she laughed, “and not wanting to settle down so you’d be f—”

  “Filling my time with random hookups?” you interrupted and she shrugged like it was obvious, “you know I’m not like that. I’ve never been like that.”

  “I’m happy for you” she added just as Freddie came in with her wine, nearly filled to the brim, “he’s a keeper” she whispered. She made quick work of the wine, finishing it almost immediately after she got it, and decided it was time she head out, “this was fun. Like really fun, but I think it’s time for me to go”

  “Adrianne...” you sighed, using her full name to try to convince her to stay

  “No really. I’ve got an early morning, you’ve got a busy day,” she replied, gesturing to a still-shirtless Freddie, “I had a great time but let’s just let it be that. It was nice to see you again, (Y/N), and it was nice to meet you, Freddie”

  “You too, Adrianne” he smiled sweetly

  “Oh please,” she laughed, “you’ve seen me naked. You can call me Roxy”

  “Why is it Roxy? You never really told me...” you asked with a smile

  “I went as Roxanne, or what I thought Roxanne would look like, for Halloween one year. You know like the Police song?” she explained while you and Freddie nodded, “well anyway, everyone got tired of singing the song to me, real quick, and Roxy was born”

  “I like that story” you smiled, noticing the shyest smile creep over Adrianne’s face; it was the first time she’d really been truly vulnerable with you

  “Take care of her, okay?” she said to Freddie

  “I will” he replied

  “Take care of yourself, Adrianne” you said softly

  “I will” and just like that, she was gone. You tucked yourself into your boyfriends chest and fell asleep; mumbling that you loved him before everything went dark. You weren’t sure if or when you’d ever hear from her again but, if one thing came from this night, you were pretty sure nothing was just sex anymore for Roxy.

#Frederik Andersen #Frederik Andersen imagine #Frederik Andersen smut #Frederik Andersen fic #Frederik Andersen request #Freddie Andersen #Freddie Andersen imagine #Freddie Andersen request #Freddie Andersen smut #masterlist #the other masterlist #nhl #hockey #tml

[clacing]

The eye emoji is for art but I feel it fits for writing too! 👀 🥰 📝 👉

🌈 ✨ 🕵️‍♀️

First of all THAT’S SO MANY THANK YOU!!!!

 the 👀 a piece where i tried something new

Gonna say be the thing that buries me here, for a few reasons! First of all, I tend to be very longwinded when writing, and rarely manage to keep myself under 10k, so trying to keep it to 2k for the zine was a really a challenge. I thought I could do it until I realized I’d made up enough lore and worldbuilding to fill an actual novel, and when I realized I’d already wasted more than half of the allotted word count just to set the story up. I had to completely change the way I usually write, and think of it less as a story followed from beginning to end and more as a snapshot of the wider story. Entire scenes I’d written out ended up being scrapped and mentioned as an aside in the final version. POVs had to be swapped and edited accordingly. It was all about figuring out how to fit the most story in as little a word count as I could, and honestly, I loved it! I had never been creatively challenged like that.

What’s more, I had the privilege of collaborating with @astrumumbrae​, and that also influenced the story! I’m usually very wishy-washy when it comes to descriptions (I always joke that all my stories take place in a void), but since the piece had to be illustrated, I had to make things clear in the text - and some details we had to figure out together, going over the drawings and deciding what colors would look best on Catra, or what Catra and Adora’s weapons of choice would be. It was just really fun, and I’d never done anything like that, but it definitely improved the quality of my writing and made the whole experience for me!

🥰 a piece i’m really proud of and why

brave face talk so lightly (hide the truth). I’ve actually been thinking about it a lot lately and I kinda wish I could go back to it. Looking back on my fics I do think most of them come off too cheesy or too self-indulgent, but this one I’m honestly fond of. I’m usually also very slow and a fic like that would have taken me at least a month; I wrote it in three days, writing non-stop, and I loved every second of it.  Maybe it’s because I had the outline ready for months before I started writing, so the whole sequence of events was always clear to me, but damn, writing had never felt so effortless and so satisfying. I think I’ve managed to capture exactly the feeling I was going on in not-too-many-words and I’m really glad it’s my most popular fic.

📝 a line or paragraph i’m really happy with

UHHHHH SHIT THIS IS HARD. So many. I’m gonna pick a couple that I can think of right now, and that’s only for published WIPs, otherwise we’re going to be here all day:

She looks different almost every time Adora sees her, but her software is set to recognize Catra’s soulprint in all of her incarnations and it’s already downloading everything it has on her, words quickly flashing across Adora’s vision.

Then Catra notices her staring, and Adora waves the words away. She might not remember her, but she already knows everything there is to know about her - like her previous disappointment, Catra is a constant of hers, a wrinkle in her personal timeline. Some of Catra’s code is embedded into Adora’s programming to allow for better soul recognition and improved fighting ability, a vaccine that grows more and more elaborate with every one of their interactions.

Catra smirks at her. Adora fears that, one day, Catra’s coding will override her own, and she’ll be eaten up - corrupted beyond repair.

&

It’s almost scary, sometimes. Adora feels with Catra the way she thinks old married couples are supposed to feel - not the newness, the freshness of discovery, but the simple, quiet comfort of knowledge already acquired, of bones being able to rest. She wonders if Catra feels the same way about her. She wonders if Catra will get tired of her, at some point, if she’ll want more from her life than Adora is able to give her.

& This is technically cheating because I wrote it in 2019 but..... it was published in 2020 so.... 😶

"Someday you will have to face it, you know. The emptiness."

"I said shut up," Catra snapped. "I'm perfectly safe, respected, with no one to tell me what to do. I have friends, a family, and a kingdom. I don't know what you think I should feel empty about."

"All that power," Double Trouble tut-tutted, almost pitifully, "all that unconditional love, self-love, familial love. And something's still missing, isn't it?"

And when she kept avoiding their gaze, wishing they could stop, just stop for one damn night, they lifted her chin up towards them with a single clawed finger. "Oh, kitten," they mumbled, "now that you finally got what you needed, I was hoping you'd figured out what it was that you wanted."

👉 a WIP i’d like to try and finish next year

Definitely how you besiege me (and feed me). That fic’s just proof of my longwindedness and slowness and I’d like it to stop haunting me 😔 But yeah I said I’d try to put out chapter 5 before the end of the year, and then only the epilogue is left.

I also really hope to finish the “estranged childhood best friends meet again” AU. It’s gonna be three chapters and I’ve had the first one ready for a while but I can’t publish another WIP before I finish HYBM.

🌈 favourite colouring

Mmmh so full disclosure, when it comes to SPOP I kinda just use the same coloring on everything and make a few adjustments ghgfhgh if it ain’t broke don’t fix it

✨ a set where i tried something new & 🕵️‍♀️ a detail i’m really proud of

Conflating the two because they’re about the same gifset. When I got the request for that one I honestly had no idea how to go about it because the quote seemed so metaphorical to me and I couldn’t figure out what scenes to use, but THEN something unlocked in me and I figured out all the metaphors at once. My favorite has to be “Catra stealing the moon for Adora” as in “allowing Glimmer to escape”.

#Anonymous

[tisfan]

Could I request the #10 Valentine's Day prompt + Tony/Pepper, please?

Take me Flying

Despitethe last minute arrangements – which was really just a matter of texting hisnew (his new new) PA and letting her know he needed a good table somewhere thatnight – dinner was wonderful, as usual.

Tony’s new PA was not as good asPepper had been. But no one ever would be. And at least she wasn’t “NatalieRushman” who had, in fact, both literally and figuratively stabbed him in theback. And she was able to get him a good table at Daniel on almost no notice.So, she’d earned her ridiculous salary, once again.

Pepper looked up at him over squabsoup. “You have really had Happy carrying this around for eight years.”

“It’s always been you,” Tony said,and that was true. He was never going to want anyone else. When he’d been inAfghanistan he’d heard her calling his name. Everything after that wasinevitable.

“I can’t decide if you’re romanticor pathetic,” she said, poking her spoon at him. “This is really excellent, youshould at least pretend to eat something that doesn’t come in a paper wrapper.”

“I’m a basic man, Pepper,” Tonysaid. “I have basic tastes, and cheeseburgers are amazing.”

“Absolutely, Tony. You’re as basicas Ugg Boots and Pumpkin Spice Lattes.”

“I don’t even know what you justsaid.”

“You’re proving my point here,”Pepper said. She gave him that look of hers until he put something in his mouthand started chewing. Food was food, really. Fuel. Tony had – much like sleepand rest and business meetings – often resented the basic needs of his humanbody. It took time away from inventing and thinking and changing the world.What he liked about dining out was atmosphere and watching Pepper enjoyherself. 

“Besides,” Tony said, “you did sayyes, so it was a good return on investment.”

“I said yes because I can’t imagineinflicting you on the rest of the world,” Pepper teased.

“Truly, you’re a charitable woman,Pep, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You don’t have to find out,”Pepper said.

They’d had their spats and theirfights, and Pepper had almost left him entirely because she had too muchanxiety about seeing him brought home in a box. It would happen one day, Tonyknew. He wasn’t capable of actually retiring any more than Barton was.

The world was going to need heroessome day. Tony couldn’t quite restrain himself from glancing upward, knowing,somewhere, out there, was an army that thought the Earth looked like aparticularly tasty morsel.

But Pepper had come to theconclusion that she was going to mourn him someday anyway. She might as welllove him while she had the time. Ephemeral.

All love was, in the end, afleeting moment of joy. It would endure for a lifetime, which was all any ofthem had.

“You looked lovely,” Tony offered.“And very surprised.”

“Oh, I’m surprised, all right,”Pepper said. “I’m surprised you let the kid get away. High school, Tony?Really? You were in your senior year at MIT when you were his age. It’s shortsighted.”

“I grew up too fast – or maybe tooslowly, depending on how you look at it – and I am still a hot mess. If hewants to take his time, ease into adulthood, I’m not going to push him. Thedoors are all still open for him, whichever way he wants to go.” And Tony wouldkeep upgrading his suit on the sly, and keep an eye on the kid, and he knew fora fact as soon as the Avengers needed Parker, the kid would be there. In themeanwhile, let him have a life, if he could. If there was time.

“He’s a good kid,” Pepper said.

“The best,” Tony agreed. “So, whenare we going to get married, do you think? Summer weddings are nice. Outdoors.I’m picturing like a beach in Maui somewhere.”

“We’ll have to set up some sort ofdecoy date,” Pepper said. “The press are already crazy.”

The waiter came and took away theempty plates, setting up for the next course. They did their jobs so well thatmost people didn’t even notice them, but Tony did, giving out a quick smile anda thank you.

“All right,” Tony said. “But still,when, do you think?”

“At least six months,” Pepper said.“It’ll take that long just to make sure I have the perfect dress.”

“Pepper, I can probably throwenough money at it to have the perfect dress tomorrow.”

“Tony, nine women cannot have ababy in a month,” Pepper said, slightly exasperated, the way she always was.But then, she cared what she looked like, and she always looked good. No matterwhat anyone said, beauty was not effortless. But that’s what Tony had peoplefor. He rarely cared what the suits looked like, just so long as they lookedgood. Other people could worry about that. He paid them well enough to do so.

“So, day after tomorrow?”

They were still debating the dateand how long it would take to have the perfect wedding arranged when thedessert course came and went. Tony really was all for just giving a guy in thecourthouse some cash and getting it on with. The wedding wasn’t the importantthing; it was finding the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with,and getting started on that process right away. But if pomp and ceremony wouldmake Pepper happy, he’d do that, too. Memories were important, right?

But dinner was over and Happyushered them into the backseat of the limo. Tony didn’t really like otherpeople driving, but Pepper preferred to use time in the car to unwind, whichmeant she wanted Tony in the back seat, with her. This time, however, shetapped the privacy screen, which went up immediately.

“What’s–” Tony started to ask, butshe hiked up her skirt to show off pale thighs, and straddled his lap. 

“We just got engaged, Tony, I thinkyou might have guessed what comes after that,” Pepper said.

“Oh, okay, yeah, that’s an idea, wecan certainly do that.” His hands went to her hips, pushing the skirt up evenhigher to see– “What are you wearing?”

Pepper unbuttoned her blouse,showing off the delicate silver and blue matching bra. “What, this old thing?”

Tony laughed. “I have never seenthis before and you know it,” he scolded. The silver panels were all buttransparent, and he knew about ladies’ underwear to know that it would becompletely sheer when wet. He licked over one nipple to verify that theory andshe put her arms around his head, holding him in place while the skin beneathhis questing tongue tightened. “It’s a good color for you. I approve.”

“Do you?” Pepper leaned back alittle and Tony continued to explore down the length of her body, nuzzling ather ribs, her belly, dipping his tongue into her navel. “I seem to have seen asimilar color scheme recently.”

“It’s almost ready,” Tony promised.“And then, we’ll go flying.” The Rescue armor– it was a good color for her.Tony had considered pink initially until Pepper had told him point blank thatshe didn’t want to look like those ridiculous pink tool sets that craftsmanoverpriced for women.

“Take me flying now,” she told him,leaning all the way back on the bench.

“Yes, ma’am.” And Tony got to work,doing just that.

#Pepperony #Valentine's Day Prompts #lingerie #Tony x Pepper #lemon scented #Anonymous

[emma-poole]

Sometimes I stand in front of the fridge with the door open just staring at all of the colorful produce I’ve amassed. Pearly red peppers. Rainbow carrots that when sliced in circles resemble the ancestral rings of a yellow and purple tree. Aged cheese lined in blue marble, encrusted with pepper. You’re so fucking in love with food, my roommate jokes. He’s not wrong.

My salads are masterpieces. I can chop a tomato and make it flirt with a tendriled cucumber. My stark granite countertop turns into an impressive dinner table in minutes. A proper balance of flavors and textures is essential, as are flowers, candles, and a woodsy incense blown out moments before guests arrive.

Perhaps this is my mother in me. I know how to make things beautiful.

Each morning, I paint my face. Watch my eyelashes transform from soft whisps to black lace. My skin, supple but uneven, smooths beneath the foundation. I lather my hair in soap, wash my body, and brush my teeth. Sometimes I even buff my feet with the volcanic rock the saleswoman convinced me to buy at the holiday markets this winter. She told me I had beautiful skin while looking directly in my eyes. $50 later I walked away with a jar of salt scrub allegedly from the Dead Sea. I liked the way my skin felt after she massaged it into my hand for two minutes, as if butter had just melted on its surface.

I dress, listen to a podcast, make the bed. Tidy up the balls of dust that magically collect under my dresser and door frame no matter how many times I sweep. Robin stares at me quizzically while I move through each task, her eyes widening only when she smells the coconut oil I apply to my arms and shoulders, her cue that a taste is about to be offered. I kiss her between her eyes and linger an extra moment in the toasty scent of her fur. She makes sense.

*

It’s like walking through muck. Being covered in a thick veil of gauze that makes even the brightest pictures appear to have residue. Students ask me how I’m doing after class. I want to tell them that waking up is a task. Despite my routine, on some days I have no idea where I gather the energy to stand in front of a room and guide people. A brief respite-hazelnut iced coffee at the cafe around the corner, with its tired baristas and buttery croissants. The tiny rituals I complete each morning keep my nervous system functioning. I look down at my phone. I like having someone to text in the mornings and the silence feels like a taunt. I turn it over.

Walking to class, I wonder again how I am supposed to teach my students to lean into joy and spark creativity when I cannot even place a feeling. It’s strange, this inability to accurately self-prescribe the change that is needed, though it’s clear one must happen soon. My brain is foggy, thick, lethargic. It tells stories I don’t know if I can trust. All day, I grapple with the reality of the world in my head verse the one I live in. I show up to teach. Words come out of my mouth from a force bigger than me. My students’ bodies are willow trees- arms extended, fingertips stretched toward the heavens in unison. They are breathtaking, in sync. Sometimes I want to weep. So I breathe.

Spring shows up outside the living room window, in the rays of light on my dying plants. Hang on, I whisper to their wilted leaves. After nine years of failing to become a plant whisperer, I’ve taken to relying on affirmations. The weather can’t make up its mind. We keep the windows open overnight and in the morning, they are light green corpses. I don’t have the energy to wipe the dust off their underbellies.

*

I meet someone. He makes me laugh. He has watery brown eyes that crinkle when he’s amused and a mischievous smile. I enjoy running my fingers through his thick beard, watching him react to something ridiculous I say. Our first date, he picks me up outside and presses my body against the cement wall of the restaurant. I wrap my legs around his waist instinctively. He tastes like the dirty martinis we clinked our glasses to. I let my tongue discover his mouth, and he responds rhythmically in mine. My heart buzzes. We kiss for minutes and I don't think about you once.

I see you in pictures, in my dreams. You look thin, like you need a home cooked meal. I can’t believe a year has passed, how many nights I spent waiting for this month to come. You are far away in mind and body. The farthest you’ve ever been to me. I try to imagine fitting into you the way I once did. Watching you across the table, drinking glass after glass of red wine, your beautiful blue eyes staring back at me. Our love is foreign now, like an old piece of clothing that doesn’t quite fit the way it used to. I cling to it in moments; the whimsical beginning, too easy it didn’t feel real. How I couldn’t breathe the first time we kissed because I was so overwhelmed by the presence of you.

The passing of time… is astonishing. I stopped breathing for six months wondering if the anxiety in my chest would ever subside. Distance hijacked our ability to see clearly. I hated you. More so, I hated who I was becoming. You still seem lost, like you’re constantly in search of something you fear you may never find. I am having a hard time recognizing the person I see in pictures. I look for him, but an empty shell stares back.

I hope you know that I felt you everyday for a year. That I forgive you. And I still feel you in a way I am finding it hard to put into words. An old song on the radio, perhaps. Familiar. Distant. Heartachingly reminiscent of a different time. I love you. I release you.

*

The guy who makes me laugh kisses me like I’m his last meal. We lay in bed for hours, pressing our faces together until our lips meet. The hair on his chest smells like cinnamon sprinkled in the woods and is surprisingly soft. I burrow my face in it. I feel like were little animals, I whisper. We are animals, he grins back at me. I pull the singing bowl off my window sill, teach him how to run the small wooden instrument around the perimeter of it. He sits cross-legged in front of me, smiling at his wobbly effort.

There are little things. Slight misalignments that make me wonder if we’re compatible. But then he rests his head on my calf, neck, hip. Touches my body curiously but also as if it belongs to him. He makes me feel more present than I have in a long time. I should know by now not to cling to the certainty of anything that seems too effortless. Lessons show up as people. Moments. Blissful evenings koalaing yourself to another body. But on this night I lean into it. He is an exhale. The bubbly effervescence that begins as a soft hum in the belly and explodes into a laugh. I lift my face to him. He whispers something dirty in my ear and I let him bend me over the bed. We kiss 17 more times before he leaves.

*

I’ve had a recurring dream my whole life that I can fly. Waking up from such a dream is startling- a fleeting moment of melancholia. In the dream, I am surrounded by open field, somewhere vast enough to catch a running start. I pick up speed until I soar off the ground. I am 45 degrees through the air, looking down at the world below me. The green of the trees starts to blend in with the grey of the pavement until earth is an intricate map of blotted colors, like one of those paintings where you let the droplet just fall off the brush in blobs. Look what I can do! I confide in only my closest friends. They laugh and laugh until I soar above them, no longer the punchline of my own joke but a creature born of something elsewhere. When the guy who plays my singing bowl begins showing up in my dreams, I wake up dizzy.

The dizzy spells appear first in yoga class. I stand up from a forward bend to foggy vision. It takes seconds too long for my eyes to focus. My doctor switches my birth control to the generic brand. I blame the vertigo on this, swallow the daily pill because I cannot risk getting pregnant a second time. I don’t know that I’d be able to say no again and I am still not ready to be a mom. Someday, my intuition reminds. I vow to start nurturing myself the way I have nurtured partners who sought a mother in me.

*

On nights I want the thrill, I pinch a small bud of weed between my fingers and inhale its mossy aroma. Smoke the dime I’ve had in my bowl for a month and watch the tendrils curl from my mouth. I light the candles. Cook myself a beautiful meal. Blast baby making music from the speakers. And then I lie down and touch myself tenderly, with a precision that comes only from years of practice. My body is a firework, alive, exploding.

Days pass. The passing of time becomes a relief. Sludge remains but its hold on me starts to loosen; my brain feels clearer. I find simple ways to heighten my senses, which is really a fancy way of saying I am working everyday day to embody presence.

I tilt my face to the early morning sun and let its warmth spread across my cheeks. Suck the juice of a lemon directly from its flesh. Put a hand over my heart and feel it remember again.

[amyscascadingtabs]

please don’t say I’m going alone

He hates the Universe because he has a single hour left of hugging a girlfriend who is now asleep by pure post-crying exhaustion, an hour left of trying to memorize every little detail about her. He hates the Universe because there's only a month left until their one year anniversary and now they won’t get to celebrate it together, because she just spent all too much time away from him undercover in prison in Texas and now they're being separated again, because her face is puffy and pink from crying and he thinks his might be as well.

Or, what went through Jake’s head before he said goodbye to Amy for Florida.

This was actually kind of a semi-prompt from @alwaysandbeyond who wondered aloud in the tags why Jake chose the selfie of Amy he has with him in Florida and prison and said that someone should write a fic about it. Truth be told I’ve always been curious about this so I… wrote the fic. Hope you like it and apologies in advance for the feels

read on ao3

Jake has two hours before the first of four cars that will take him and Holt to witness protection in Florida arrives. He spends them both at Amy’s apartment. There’s no use in packing if he’s not allowed to bring anything with him; no use in anything but hugging his girlfriend so tight he fears he is squeezing her small frame to pieces, all while telling her repeatedly he loves her and won’t forget about her. Not a great promise, considering he has the memory of a goldfish. But he remembers emotions. He remembers anything that caused a strong emotional response at the time or still does. So yes, he’ll remember the woman who has made him feel love in all its different kinds - from aching, unrequited infatuation to the effortless and tender-hearted commitment they’ve reached after almost a year. He’ll remember the fierce but quirky, competitive but lovable detective who just told him she loves him so much and wants to move in with him until he’s old and gray-haired and rotting away in a retirement home in Coral Palms. “They’ll get you out of Witsec”, Amy keeps on repeating for their first ten minutes of their two last hours together, while Jake can’t stop imagining the nightmare scenarios of never getting home again. “We’ll get you out. We’ll catch Figgis. You’ll come home. You have to come home.” He agrees with her. Both of them know nothing's for sure and maybe they really will never see each other again, but last hours are better spent pretending than accepting brutal realities. There will be plenty of time to do so in Florida, he assumes. Amy cries. Long, heaving sobs shake through her body and her tears dampen his t-shirt when she’s pressed tight against him, the two of them together on her bed for the last time in a long while. He tries not to think about how her bed would have been their bed someday soon if Figgis hadn’t called when he did. We should move in together. Haha, said the Universe. Very funny. Jake officially hates the Universe. He hates the Universe because he has a single hour left of hugging a girlfriend who is now asleep by pure post-crying exhaustion, an hour left of trying to memorize every little detail about her. He hates the Universe because there's only a month left until their one year anniversary and now they won’t get to celebrate it together, because she just spent all too much time away from him undercover in prison in Texas and now they're being separated again, because her face is puffy and pink from crying and he thinks his might be as well. He knows he won’t forget her, but he also knows he cannot possibly remember everything, because there's so much to notice about Amy Santiago he’s discovering new things every single day. Some days it’s the cutest constellation of moles at the small of her back, some days a brand new meal she can actually cook without burning the kitchen down or poisoning them both, and one day she even tells him the back-story about a tiny dot in white ink on the foot; a relic from one of the few times she got drunk at a college party and wanted to know what getting tattooed felt like. Other days he discovers how the shape of her eyebrows change marginally sometimes because she claims it’s impossible to fill them in exactly the same every day, or how the sparkling gleam in her eyes when he tells her he loves her is different from the one she gets when she’s really excited over a case, but not all too different from when she’s truly engaged in re-reading the Harry Potter novels for the umpteenth time. (Jake’s not yet sure if he should take it as an insult or a compliment to mean roughly as much to her as he’s discovered those seven books do. From the amount of Ravenclaw or Hogwarts-stamped paraphernalia he keeps finding in various places over her apartment, he’s hoping for the latter.) No photograph could capture the all-consuming focus in her expression when she watches Jeopardy or how melodious her laugh sounds when it's untamed and authentic. Her quick-witted comebacks or the adorable way she scrunches her nose when Hitchcock says something distasteful couldn’t ever be framed into a picture, no matter how skilled the photographer. He knows he’d find every single one perfect, but they still wouldn't capture enough. Maybe he should follow the orders someone gave him and abstain from bringing anything personal to Florida. On the other hand, maybe it could be helpful to have something physical there to ground him. Something to look at to know she’s real and exists somewhere out there, something to remind him she’s more than an intricate and hyper-realistic daydream, might help during all the months and maybe even years he’ll be stranded without her. It’ll have to be a photograph. A picture won’t capture any of her intelligence or humor, but there’s a chance it could capture a sliver of the ethereal beauty she is and right now a chance of a sliver is all he needs. The question is simply which one. He has a ton of pictures of her in uniform or with other members of the squad, all unusable. A picture of her at work would be too difficult to explain should someone see it. No cop pictures. There are even more dorky selfies of the two of them together, making funny faces or even trying to hold the camera up and kiss at the same time, but right now only seeing them so free and happily unknowing is an all too painful sting. And a picture of him with a girl would be even yet more suspicious if he got caught; there’d be no way for him to deny ever knowing the woman in the picture and he’d be screwed. No couple pictures. It doesn't leave him with much. For a moment he’s scared no picture on his phone lives up the necessary requirements, until he swipes far enough to reach a collection of shots he’s nearly forgotten. The pictures are from approximately two months into their relationship, back when everything was still new and a little intimidating. They’re taken in his apartment, and if he closes his eyes, he remembers the moment clear as day. ~ nine months earlier “There are so many Die Hard pictures in your camera roll. Honestly, Jake - aren’t some of these identical?” Amy’s on his couch, taking up most of the space with her head on one armrest and her feet in his lap. They’re looking through each other’s phones for some trivial reason mostly to do with boredom; it began with Jake needing help to spot spelling errors in a text, and now they’re having too much fun looking at pictures in the other person’s gallery to stop. “I don’t know that for sure and I’m not deleting any of them until I have proof!” He tickles her left foot with his free hand, the corners of his mouth twitching when it makes her giggle.  “And you have way too many pictures of laminated documents to get to tease me about Die Hard.” “I’m confident I could prove some of these are the same. And lam' jobs are important! I have a blog!” “And I follow said blog! Because I’m an awesome supportive boyfriend!” “Then where are all the pictures on your phone of me, huh? The ones you show your college buddies when you’re having a beer together and bragging about the attractiveness of whatever girl you’re hooking up with?” He can tell she’s trying to fake seriousness, but she keeps interrupting herself with fits of laughter. “Isn’t that what all white heterosexual cis men do when they meet up?” “Amy Santiago, how dare you assume I’m straight?” He’s the one laughing now, his grin growing wider from the sight of hers. “And I have plenty of pictures of you. I think. I had to delete some because I was running out of space for Die Hard stills.” “Maybe I should solve the issue. I’m deleting all the Die Hard stills I know you have doubles of and replacing them with selfies.” “Real mature, Ames.” His eyes light up when an idea hits him. “Ooohh, wait - will there be selfies of you in just a bra? Without one?” “Yeah, I’m the immature one of us two right now”, she scoffs, but the smile on her lips lets him know she’s not really mad. “And no, there won't, because I’m classy. And afraid of you leaving your phone on your desk and Charles somehow finding them.” “You know he’d just be ecstatic I had them.” “That makes it worse. Now, I need to get to work.” She sits up straight and holds out the phone a little bit in front of her so it captures part of the wall behind her as well. “This is serious business.” Jake lets the camera click once, twice, before he dives forward and into the frame. The sudden impact of his weight against her makes Amy fall to the side, and the next few shots come out blurry as he attacks her with a little sloppy but mostly playful kisses. “You’re ruining the pictures”, she whines. “Nah, I’m making them better”, he claims then and puts the camera app on timer before pressing another kiss to her lips. “Now I can show my hypothetical college buddies pictures of me kissing you, so they’ll know you’re for real.” “That would be an issue?” “Oh yeah, they would never believe I was actually dating you. You’re way too pretty.” He swipes through the collection of pictures of them kissing they’ve taken now, showing her the few of them that turned out reasonably sharp. “You’re way too pretty!” “You’re prettier.” “No, you are - oh god, we really are that horrible lovey-dovey couple everyone hated in high school, aren’t we?” Amy hides her face in her hands. “What have we even become?” “Doesn’t matter, because these pictures are hella adorable. I won’t even delete them for more Die Hard stills.” ~ He desperately wants to take one of those cheesy pictures with him to Florida. Even in the less sharp ones, it’s evident to anyone with a functioning pair of eyes how happy they are, and it makes Jake curse silently when he remembers that happiness is being taken from them now, picked up and dumped right into a coursing river of destruction by Figgis. (He should’ve just become an accountant or something equally mind-numbing because at least then he would never have to leave her.) But a picture of the two of them together is too risky and too revealing of his past, so he options for the second best thing - one of the few selfies Amy captured before he joined her. She looks considerably more serious in this picture than in the next one, her lips more a shy smirk than the wide grin she has in the pictures with him, but she looks gorgeous enough for him to want to look at it forever. More importantly, it’s a reminder the next pictures exist. It’s a fragment of a memory of better times, and it’s all he’s brave enough to bring. There’s a buzz from the Bluetooth printer on the desk in Amy’s bedroom as the picture begins to print. Her head shifts a little from where it’s resting on his chest, startled by the sudden noise, and he very nearly starts crying again, because in fifty minutes he’ll be separated from her with nothing more to keep than the selfie he already knows he’ll be staring at until he’s memorized every inch. He’s not going to forget her.

#my writing #b99 fic #b99 fanfiction #jake x amy fic #jake x amy fanfiction #sorry for the feels guys

[thinklngofju]

saw you in a dream - calum hood (part 2)

a/n: this has not gotten the attention I hoped but oh well. I hope the second part is as good as the first or a decent close second but idk we shall see. if you are even reading this thank you thank you thank you. this one is a little wordy because I obviously don't know when to stop with the detail. also I did not proofread so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense. criticism is appreciated!!

pairing: calum x reader

summary: part two of saw you in a dream...(y/n)’s second letter to calum after their first date including anything and everything that happened between the two of them until now. reminiscing mainly on the good times and what is to come :) 

Dear Calum,

Look where we are now. Man am I thankful that you got to spend more time in the city that never sleeps. Apparently you now live by that motto as well, considering you texted me for the first time at 4am. And who knew a simple “hi :D” would be all it took for us to begin. And now a week later at the ungodly hour of two in the morning I am finally climbing into bed.

We had our first date tonight. Or would it be considered last night? Either way you were an absolute gentleman. I’m beginning to think I shouldn’t expect any less from you. You picked me up from my apartment in Brooklyn at exactly 6:32. You told me to be ready at that time and I remember being so incredibly confused, but there you were knocking on my apartment door. 

You set up the date to be exactly a week after we first met. Just dinner, and honestly I didn’t allow myself to believe it would be anything more. I wouldn’t get my hopes up, I just couldn’t. Some things are too good to be true and I really don’t wish that upon you, upon us. If there even is an us. I’m getting ahead of myself.

We went to dinner, a small bistro within walking distance of my place. You made a reservation and everything, got us a table outside so we could enjoy the evening. You told me to dress nice which honestly freaked me out a bit but the moment I opened the door you were showering me with compliments, making me blush. Who knew a simple black dress would be that impressive. You don't clean up too bad yourself, although you were dressed for a photoshoot the last time I saw you. The button up was a classy touch though. 

If I only knew we would be at that bistro for hours... I learned so much about you tonight. How you laugh at the simplest things...how your laugh can simply take your breath away. You laughed a lot tonight. You also get really invested into eye contact during a conversation, which is a bit difficult when eating a meal. You told me about your family. How your sister got you into singing, into music in general. How supportive your parents are now, which balances out the times they weren’t. 

We stayed at that table for hours, only leaving when the waitress informed us they closed at 11. The night air was cool against my exposed legs and you promised that if you had brought your coat I could have had it. The thought alone warmed my heart a little more than it should have. We walked to the park around the corner from my place. Sitting on the swings, we talked about music and ideas of what we think the future will hold. 

You asked about dance, my job, my studies. And the oddest part was how comfortable it all felt. Talking to you was effortless. You didn't bat an eye when I said I was studying ballet. Although you may not have been, you seemed genuinely intrigued about my passion and how I fell in love with music because of the way I learned to move to it. The topic of music had to be my favorite though. I was right.. we do have a similar taste in music. I am throughly convinced that one day I will persuade you to cover Little Light by Lewis Watson.

But now I am in my bed writing this quickly so I can get some rest before work in the morning. I luckily didn’t wake my roommate up when I snuck in the door. I just want to document our time together, no matter how short lived it will be. I understand you are a busy guy fulfilling your wildest dreams and I don’t want anything to stop you. The gentleness you contain makes me think that there may be a someday for us though. Maybe it’s the way you hold doors open for me, or maybe it’s the blush washing over your face when you kissed my cheek goodnight. There is something that keeps you on my mind. Something in the way you just texted me “thinking of you” before you drift off to sleep tonight. Maybe it is the simplicity of it all when on paper this should be needlessly yet incredibly complicated.

Whatever it is I hope I never am without this feeling, because after one night spent with you I’m on cloud nine. 

Until we meet again..

#calum hood blurb #calum hood #calum 5sos #dear calum #calum blurb #calum hood preference #calum hood imagine #calum hood blurbs #calum 5 seconds of summer #calum imagine #calum blurbs #calum imagines #5sos #5 seconds of summer

[lifeasitis21]

Nighttime Wish

Pietro/Reader

Summary: The reader tries to escape her feelings for Pietro

A/n: Feedback is welcome! Reblogs are very appreciated, thank you and enjoy!

It’s been three weeks since you’ve seen him. Leaving seemed like a good idea at the time, back then it didn’t seem like you were running. You didn’t realize you were, until you lied down at night and your dreams began to drift.

You can’t remember the first time you met. The relationship was never like that; a love story for the ages seemed like a reach when you thought about yourself and Pietro.

He was shy. Reserved. But you could see it, that glimpse of fire behind his eyes. It caught the light when he tossed his head back mid-laugh. Or when he was laser focused, whether studying up before a mission or trying to beat your record on a game the two of you played together.

No matter the occasion, you always found yourself looking for it. When you found it you felt safe. Safe in your surroundings. Safe with him.

If you could pinpoint what you expected from leaving you would deal with it, but you couldn’t. Call it denial or convivent forgetfulness.

The moment you skimmed the acceptance email from the writing retreat you stopped thinking. You packed your bags and called for an Uber.

It was easy to make excuses as to why it was alright to just leave. To ghost all those close to you. Your roommate would needlessly worry, your brother would know you’d be okay, but the only person you couldn’t ignore was Pietro.

He deserved a text, right? Maybe something short like, ‘Got accepted into the retreat! Be back in a month.’

You must of debated for hours on whether or not to add in a ‘I’ll miss you.’

It sounded innocent but you knew it wouldn’t be. You knew it wasn’t fair to either of you.

So instead of saying anything unnecessary, you gave him the bare minimum and that was it. You disconnected and let life happen.

Had you of known your old college flame would have ended up being your ‘retreat mentor’ for a month, you would of ran the other direction...okay, maybe not.

He was undeniably rugged in the best way. That effortless facial hair and gorgeous locks to pair were ridiculous. What you hated even more than that was the way his eyes lit up when he realized it was you.

“Y/n. I can’t believe it. I mean—wow.” His words were slow; calculated.

You looked at him with a blank smile. You knew it was him but you just wanted to wait for him to realize he was gawcking.

And he did.

“God I’m sorry, this is so unprofessional, an-and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable while you’re here. I’ll be editing your work so if you’d rather have someone else I would—completely understand.”

“No, Damian no! It’s fine.” You interjected before he could continue. “I’m fine with it, it’s—it’s really great to see you. You look, great.”

A sincere smile played on your lips and he began to mirror it.

“God. It is really great to see you Y/n.”

There it was. That familiar way he patiently chose his words before speaking. Something you had loved about him.

The following days almost completely mimicked the past, and that was okay. It felt good to experience a connection to your old life in a secluded setting.

It was hard at first but eventually you began to let go of the life you walked away from. You began to let go of Pietro, if just for a moment.

Well, at least that’s what it felt like at first. But with one week left in this paradise you created for yourself, it became clear you were only letting go of the thoughts that filled your mind with his presence. There was no letting go of Pietro.

He was your best friend. Everyone knew that. It was easy to see. The two of you spent all of your time together. It was almost like you’d known each other your whole lives. God, he made you laugh. That’s when you were happiest. With your legs carelessly tossed across his lap, you would laugh and drink and laugh more. This was how most of your nights with him were.

Sometimes things were deeper though, more profound. He told you things he wouldn’t breathe to another person. And he trusted you with his life.

All of those things felt good. They felt great. It became addicting, and you didn’t realize it until the first time you heard that he’d begun dating someone. He didn’t tell you which made you mad, but the fact that you were mad made you even more mad. That wasn’t what it was supposed to be or how you were supposed to feel but it was and you hated that.

If you said anything it could ruin your friendship and you wouldn’t risk that. He meant too much.

All you had now were those fleeting moments, when his hand would linger a second too long on your arm; when he would hold your gaze and look down with that shy smile on his face.

You missed him. Way more than you should, but this was it.

The feelings you had for Damian were different. It was like you would be fine with or without him. Which was why an immense feeling of guilt took hold of you when you saw the look in his eyes as he approached you.

“I debated even asking you...” You could tell immediately that he was nervous; a feeling he rarely experienced. “...but from what you said—I mean if you’re looking for an escape, then Y/n, just come with me.”

Damian watched you with a hopeful glow emanating from his eyes. He was lightly grasping your hand, ever so gently tugging you closer to him.

“I’m not asking you to marry me..maybe someday..”

Your heart stopped cold and that warmth was nowhere to be found.

“...I’m just asking you to trust me. Come with me to Maine. It’s only a month. If you want to leave just the second after we get there I would understand. No expectations.”

Those hopeful light brown eyes from a month ago seemed darker. Like a black abyss you were scrambling to step back from.

“I—can’t. I don’t want to. I mean, jesus Damian why are you doing this?” You knew. You knew this anger wasn’t for him, it wasn’t fair but he was here.

You pulled your hand away slowly. Yes you were mad but you didn’t want him to think he’d offended you.

“Just—I’m sorry. But I can’t go with you. I have a life, people who care about me. Need me.” You mustered the least pathetic smile you could before taking a step back.

Thankfully, his features softened. A deep understanding crossed his face and it caught you by surprise.

“You’re right. Forgive me if I overstep, but as much as I don’t want to admit it, I think we’re both running from something. Us meeting here wasn’t a coincidence, no such thing. But it was the distraction we both needed I guess.”

Damian put his hand gently on your forearm and placed a kiss to the side of your forehead.

Without another word he was gone and you were on your way back to your life. The life you’d put on pause. The life where Pietro still existed.

After a month of controlling your thoughts, you finally let your mind drift. No surprise where they went. The moment Damian said it you knew he was right. He was a distraction—a great distraction, but nonetheless.

The choice you had now was simple. Either you continue on the way you have been, wanting something just out of reach, or you jump.

The time you had to decide was dissipating quickly. You were a block away from home and at the end of your street you could see what had to be Pietro’s car parked in front.

You hoped your heart wouldn’t start beating quicker but it did. The closer you got the more your brain panicked.

Maybe you could manage your feelings for longer. Just close everything off and settle in.

With bags in hand, you slowly walked up to the door. Your roommate would still be at work right now so you had to assume Pietro was waiting for you.

You tried the door and it opened. Immediately, beautiful aromas of one of Pietro’s signature dishes reached your nose. It almost made your mouth water.

In the kitchen, a few feet away, was Pietro. His hair tossled, sweat misting his forehead. His hands moved fervently from pan to pan as that fire flashed behind his focused eyes.

Slightly mesmerized you dropped your bags onto the floor and at the sound, Pietro met your eye.

« Y/n, you’re back. »

The most beautiful smile graced his crooked smile, you could have melted into it.

“I hope you’re hungry. I’m making your favorite!” He motioned down to his creation as you let out at laugh.

“I think that’s you’re favorite. But I deeply appreciate the sentiment.”

Your heart was calm. You were not scared or nervous or uncertain. There was no letting go of Pietro.

He sent you to your room to unpack while he put the finishing touches on dinner.

It seemed so simple now that you were home. That he was here. That it was just the two of you.

You walked out to see him sitting at the table waiting for you and the conversation came as easily as it always did. He was still your best friend. He still knew you better than anyone. You didn’t know why you thought he wouldn’t and right now you didnt know what you’d been so afraid of.

“I missed you Y/n. It was a rough month without you.”

Those words meant so much coming from him and you were tired of grasping onto all of this little moments when he was right here.

“So Y/n, now that you’re back, I was thinking we—“

“Pietro, wait.” You placed a hand on top of his and he glanced down at contact. “I need to tell you something, okay. And I’ve been avoiding it but I don’t want to any more. And I also won’t hold anything against you no matter your answer. I won’t be mad, I might be upset but not at you. I’d be—“ 

“Y/n stop.”

Pietro pulled his hand back and daggers pierced your heart. He stood up from the table and you followed him into the kitchen.

You were afraid to speak.

 “I couldn’t figure out why I was so upset that you left. I was mad when you left, I was mad when you were gone, and I was mad that during that entire time I couldn’t do anything about it.”

He turned towards you and took a step towards you. “Y/n you’re it for me,” he said helplessly.

“No matter what I do, how many times I love. It will never be enough. I am 100 percent sure that you are it for me. My soulmate. My one. Every cliche phrase that makes you cringe. You’re all of that, for me.”

His energy filled the room and captivated your every sense. He was closer to you now, you could feel the warmth cascading off of him.

“But I understand if that’s all it can be. I will continue on this way. I will deal with it and I won’t ever mention it again if that’s what you want. I needed you to know.”

His chest rose up and down as he finished talking. You could feel his desperation for you. It began to ease your own, and you wanted do the same.

You placed both of your hands softly on the sides of his face and gently brushed your lips against his. His eyes shut tight, like he was waiting for himself to wake up from a dream.

He moved his hand to your waist with a hesitant touch. His arms slowly wrapped around the small of your back and pulled you closer, if that was possible.

You pulled back a little, waiting for him. He fanned his lips across your cheek, ghosting up the side of your face. You could feel the heat of his breath on your eyelid as you breathed each other in. He placed a finger on the curve of your jaw and lifted your lips to his.

Your lips graced his gently. You were holding your breath. He tasted the way rain smelled.

He pulled back slowly and met your eyes. His mouth was slightly ajar and there was silence; the calm before the storm.

But a storm wasn’t the product of your story. This felt more like a break in the clouds, or the sound of night, or the moment before falling asleep.

“You’re it for me too, Pietro,” you said, at the calm before the rest of your life.

#pietro gifs #reader x pietro #pietro maximoff #Pietro #Avengers #avenger imagines #soulmate #soulmate au #angst #pietro angst #lost love #pietro fluff #super fluffy #fluff imagine #love fanfic #nighttime wish

[stydiasecretsanta]

Midnights

Feliz Natal lydiastxles :) I hope you like this fic!

AU: No supernatural.

This was inspired by a short story by Rainbow Rowell.

December 31, 2011.  

It feels foreign to be in Scott McCall’s basement when she is only friends with two people in this party. Allison, her new friend, the one who texted her forty-five minutes ago I can’t believe you didn’t tell me had no plans and Lydia, I’m serious, you can’t be alone tonight, if you don’t come I’ll pick you up.  It’s fascinating how things change, Lydia always has plans, especially for New Year’s Eve because her parents were never at home when they were together and now, after the divorce, her mother travels two days after Christmas, leaving Lydia home alone for majority of winter break.  

In fact, she had plans. Plans that involved her boyfriend but he was acting so stupid lately that it was easier to eliminate whatever they had agreed on doing.  Jackson would not listen to her and they would end up doing something super boring for her. She’d rather stay at home with Prada, drinking her mom’s expensive wine and watching old episode of The Hills than being with someone who didn’t value her. She’s Lydia Martin and she deserves better.  

There’s also Danny. She never though he and Scott were friends but considering that they both are in the lacrosse team so it makes sense.  

Well, kinda.  

This is different from the parties she usually goes, it’s modest. And it is a lot different from the massive parties she usually throws. Scott is not popular at school, people know him and people seen to respect him but it’s not like they gossip about him in the girl’s bathroom and he only hangs out with his best friend while they’re at school. It seems like everyone is friends here – it’s not like half of the school was invited. The basement isn’t that big, the walls are yellow and there’s a grey couch where Allison and Scott are sited, whispering things in each other’s ears. There’s a big digital watch on the wall near the staircase, it shows the seconds too, and it’s going to be really helpful soon but right now those tiny numbers changing so fast are giving Lydia a headache. Maybe there’s only fifteen people at this party and she doesn’t remember the last time she threw a party so small. It’s nice, though. Friendlier.  

She can see more familiar faces. Mandy, a girl who’s in her history class is there, they never talked but they smiled when they saw each other. Scott’s best friend is sited on the floor, computer on the coffee table adjusting the playlist, “Scott, you seriously ignored the list of songs I sent you?” he said looking at this friend who yes, still was in the couch with Allison. She can see Isaac Lahey across the room, drinking a beer with a guy she doesn’t remember the name.  

She grabs a drink and goes to a corner of the room, back on the cold wall, and thinks how rude it would be to leave a little early. She didn’t know they were friends and she feels lousy for never paying attention. It’s nice watching those people who seen so comfortable with each other but it’s kinda awkward to stay there without talking to anyone. She truly doesn’t remember the last time she felt awkward.  It’s not like they care about how popular she is and it’s not like she can be her true self around everyone, especially since Danny is there too. He would notice and it would ruin her reputation. It would be easier if no one knew her.  

She decides to look at her phone so it wouldn’t look like she’s staring. There’s a few messages from her mom and she replies immediately. There’s also a message from her dad and two from Jackson, saying that she was being childish for not going with him. She ignores both. She scrolls though her Instagram feed and then cheek some of Neil Gaiman’s recent tweets.  

As she puts her phone on the pockets of her purple dress she sees a guy with buzzcut hair coming in her direction.  

“Hi, I’m Stiles.” He seems nervous, she doesn’t know why.

Oh.

It would be nice to hang out, you know, the four of us, Allison said once when they were about to go to the cinema, besides, I think Stiles has a crush on you.  

“I know.”

“How?”

“We’ve studied together since kinder garden?” There’s a mean tone in her voice but she didn’t mean to but sometimes it’s just so effortless.  

“Yeah, yeah, I just never realized that you might actually remember. Anyways, do you want something to drink?”

She lifts her drink so he could see it. “I’m fine, thanks.”  

“Ok,” he takes a moment to think, “I’m gonna tell you a secret.” His eyes moved away from her for the first time since they started talking. “See Isaac over there?”

“Yeah.” Across the room, Isaac was standing really close to a girl, he seemed pleased.  

“He’s talking to that new girl, Malia.”

“Uhum,” She’s not really sure where this is going but she is too smart, she knows what Stiles is doing. He is distracting her. He knows her best friend is with is best friend and she is isn’t close to anybody else at this party. It should make her offended but it doesn’t look like he’s doing this for pity, it seems like he’s interested in talking to her, so she appreciates the gesture.  

“They been flirting since she transferred here, November, I think. And now he’s going to kiss her. Well, not now now. Now as at midnight.”  

She pays attention to then for a second. Malia’s been talking nonstop and it seems like they are getting along. “That’s awful.”

“What?”

“Using New Year’s Eve as an excuse to kiss her.” She explains.  

“Well, it’s not because of New Year’s.” He replies, like this is obvious.  

“Yet he’s using it because he’s probably not brave enough to do it in other situation.”

“You just gave me another reason to annoy Isaac” she notices that he gives a real laugh for the first time, “thank you. I mean it Lydia, thank you.”

She laughs at how serious he’s pretending to be.

“Does she want to kiss him?”

This is good. This conversation is extremely appealing. She has to admit, talking to Stiles is a good way of passing time. Soon is midnight and then she can give a good excuse to Allison and leave the party without being unpolite.  

“Yeah. At least that’s what I got from Cora. Otherwise it would be really awkward.”

“Yeah, like it already isn’t.”  

“Elaborate.”

“There’s many ways this could go,” they are in the corner of the room, observing their friends, she points to them, “but notice how she’s looking at him.”

“How?”

“Are you dumb?”

“Not a genius like you but definitely not dumb.”

She chooses to ignore it. There’s no way he knows how smart she really is. She tries to hide pretty well so it’s unlike someone she doesn’t even have conversations while they’re at school could know. Lydia is smart enough to know that people don’t really care about what she thinks, what she really thinks, so it’s simpler to impersonate someone who doesn’t care about grades, science or even the world.  

“Ok,” Lydia says in a way that it’s so analytical, as if she’s saying all the facts she’s like Kiss me and if she wants to she should just do it already but my point is, she might think it’s cheesy if he waits until midnight.“

He considers what she said for a minute, "Do you think it’s cheesy?”

“I’m not giving the Kiss me look to anyone.”

“Of course.”

“But yeah, I think it’s cheesy.”  

“We could bet.”

“Are you going to bet on your friends’ love life?” This could be fun, she thought but didn’t mention it.  

“Ok, Isaac is definitely not my friend and I’m still getting to know Malia. My point is, we’re not going to interfere. We’re just going to analyze.”

“You also want to take notes? She says with .  

"Nah, they’re not interesting enough for a psychologic research. But, you know, there’s always plan B.”

“What’s plan B?”

“We could go talk to Allison and Scott.”

She looks for her friends, who still are in the couch, but now making out.

No, thank you. “Plan A is way better.”

“Same. So, what you think it’s gonna happen?”

“What are we betting?”  

“I don’t know, if you win what do you want?”

“When.”

“Probably not but ok.”

“Stiles,” she gives him a look and laughs, “probably yes.”

“I hate to admit but knowing you it’s probably yeah but if some crazy thing happens and you’re wrong I want to read your work on riemann hypothesis.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She lied and hated how she could see the brightness on his eyes.  

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it but you shouldn’t pretend you’re not this crazy genius who’s probably gonna win a Nobel Prize someday and this is probably way out of line but I hate seeing you doing that to yourself.”

“Nobel doesn’t have a prize for mathematicians. Fields Metal is the one I will be winning.”

“I’m sure you will.”  

It’s the first time she tells anyone and the person doesn’t question her, or asks if its too difficult.  

“Just don’t tell anyone.”

“I’m good with keeping secrets, but don’t expect me to shut up on our ten-year reunion about how you just won the most amazing prize ever.”

“Well, there’s a disagreement about that.”

“About what?”

“Fields Medal being the most amazing.”

“Of course, it is, otherwise it wouldn’t deserve you.”

“I never said what I want when I win.”

“Shoot.”

“I’m gonna explain riemann hypothesis to you.”

“That’s what you want?”

“You know my secret, if I remember anything about us while we were kids is that you won’t shut up when you want something so if eventually you’re gonna read what I wrote you better understand it.”

“Okay,” he says and drinks his beer, he thinks about making a comment about Lydia remembering him when they were kids but if she remembers that far she probably also remembers that he has the biggest crush on her.“I bet Isaac will kiss Malia on midnight.”

“I bet that won’t happen.”

“Be more specific.”

“What? No.”

“I’m betting on one thing, yours could go in a million ways.”

“Well, you said yourself that I’m smart.”

They both laugh shyly and drink their drinks and wait until everyone starts counting down the seconds.

Turns out, Malia kisses Isaac five seconds before midnight and Lydia wins the bet.

“Happy New Year, Lydia.”

“Happy New Year, Stiles.”  

December 31, 2012.  

There’s fifteen minutes left of this year and it’s way too hot for a December night. There’s a few clouds in the sky and the drive from her house to Scott’s was stellar.

“I think this is going to turn into a tradition.” Stiles says, they are in Scott’s basement there’s many fairy lights in the room (Lydia’s idea).

“What?” Asks Lydia, turning her head to look at her friend. Hiding the fact that she was looking at his cupids bow.  

“Us here, instead of there.” He points across the room, where most people are.

They’ve got extremely close this year. It started after winter break, Scott and Allison invited them to brunch because “you two are our best friends so it makes sense that you’re best friends too – or at least friends.” So they went out with Allison and Scott and it was quite fun. And the countless hours on a coffee shop where Lydia explained Riemann Hypothesis to him helped too. He didn’t believe at first that she would do it but three days later he received a text from her. I think it’s time for my price. He jumped out of bed and his heart never beaten so fast. Stiles knew it would be easy for him to understand so this whole thing would be over quickly, for one second he though maybe he could play dumb but he saw the smile on her face every time he made an interesting question. He had one opportunity to make a good impression on Lydia Martin and he kinda feels like it worked out.  It did.

They’re on a small couch, sharing a beer. Lydia’s legs are on Stiles’ lap and his hand is on her knee. It’s easy to be this comfortable at Scott’s house.  

It’s crazy to think that this time last year the only memories she had of him were the ones they made when they were in kindergarden. It’s complicated to think about a time when they weren’t best friends. Now they have a thousand of shared memories, late study dates, weekends at Lydia’s lake house, road trips with Scott and Allison. It feels like a lifetime but it’s only been a year.  

“It’s warmer here,” she lies and places her head on his shoulders, he holds her closer, “and besides, you’d rather talk to me about interesting topics instead of make small talk with everyone else.”

“True but Scott is asking us to be with more alive I guess.”

"How?”

“In case you didn’t realize, we didn’t actually talk to anyone besides each other since we arrived.”  

Wow. Sometime was genuinely easier to be in their own world. “Really?”  

“Didn’t you notice?”  He asks, voice soft as ever. He grabs his phone, unlocks it and shows her the texts.  

From: Scott. 11:50pm.

It’s almost midnight.

From: Scott. 11:55pm.

Dude, it’s a party.  I only saw you two leave that couch to grab drinks.  

From: Scott. 11:55pm.

Stiles.

Are you and Lydia gonna be judging people all night?

From: Stiles. 11:55pm.  

We’re not judging people. You probably just heard a random comment about Isaac. And besides, why are we texting? We’re at the same party.

From: Scott. 11:56pm.

It doesn’t look like we are.

I was texting and you were ignoring me.  

From: Stiles. 11:57pm.

Details.

From: Scott. 11:57pm.  

Just come here when it’s midnight. you and lydia.  

“Good thing is that he can’t blackmail us.”

“Actually, he knows too much about me, it might even be dangerous.”

“It’s Scott.”

“So, you don’t believe my best friend could blackmail us?”

“Nope.”  

“But we should go,” he leaves the couch and gives her his hand, she misses him as soon as his body isn’t next to hers so she rolls her eyes so he doesn’t notice her disappointment, “I can make you hot chocolate later.”

“I was waiting for this.”

“I know, now get your cute little ass from there.”

They walk towards their friends, the group is a little different this year. Scott and Allison broke up but they’re being mature about it. There’s a new girl – Kira – from their history class who hangs with them now. She have been flirting with Scott lately, Lydia noticed. She seems nice.  

Erica and Boyd are back. Cora is strangely more social with them.  

This past year she also became closer to Isaac. At first, just to piss Stiles off because it was funny but she actually found a great friendship.  

They all decide to go outside to watch the fireworks – Scott’s annoying neighbor has the best ones in Beacon Hills. The group stand in a circle, waiting for midnight, it’s kinda funny actually. It’s like waiting for something new but Lydia is quite happy with her life at the moment. She doesn’t need changes.

She’s standing near Allison, with her arms crossed with her best friend’s. Across from them is Scott and Stiles and she thinks how good it is to have them in her life.  

The countdown starts. Suddenly everyone is hugging and shit.  

She doesn’t know how it happened but Stiles and Malia are kissing.  

She feels something on her stomach, she doesn’t know why but she doesn’t wanna see the two kissing. It doesn’t make sense, they barely talk outside the group.  

Yeah, this year probably is going to be different- and not in the way she wanted to.  

“Happy New Year, guys” Scott shouts.  

She has a feeling it isn’t going to be that good.

December 31, 2013.  

Lydia is mad – no, no. She’s furious. There’s only two people in the entire world who have already seem Lydia in the level of furiousness she’s in right now: her mom and dad. Her mom when she was little and mad about something stupid she doesn’t even remember; her dad, a few days before he left. But what’s making her more vehement is that she’s frustrated. Every little thing is annoying her because she has to go to this stupid party with her marvelous friends and pretend that the entire universe is working on her side. For the first time in two years they’re not going to Scott’s house and Lydia considers this a disaster because a) it’s warm and familiar and Christmassy and his mom buys her favorite wine and pretends nothing happened. Bless Melissa McCall. And b) She’s never been inside Derek’s loft before, probably no one have besides Scott and Isaac. If she knew his place – or even any apartment in his building it would be easy to create a safe space – somewhere no one would notice her.  Her safe space in Scott’s house is the upstairs bathroom but she never needed to use it. Two years ago she decided this would be the place she would run to if things got too complicated at the party but few seconds before deciding that she would go upstairs Stiles started a conversation with her and changed everything.  

Her safe space in her house used to be the pool. When she was a kid she would dive and pretend she was a mermaid and nothing else mattered. It was only her and her imagination. She used to pretend she was Ariel and had a whole kingdom to explore. When she grew up her safe space became her dad’s library, she used to spend countless hours there reading books and listening to music, especially in the summer. But then her dad left and every time she enters the room she feels like throwing up.  

Now she thinks her safe space in her house is her room, there’s no specific reason behind it, she just loves the purple walls and the fact that it feels like it’s her own universe.  She can read her books in peace.  

Her safe space in Stiles’ house is the only one someone can easily find her.

It’s the only one she’s glad someone can find her because it’s not just her safe place – it’s his too.  

It’s his mystery board and bizarre old cases they try to solve without his dad finding out.  

It’s the way he untangled the red string from her finger when she didn’t believe in herself.  

It’s his soft bed and the countless nights they’ve spent on it.  

Studying. Talking. Sleeping.

Not kissing.

That’s what is annoying her. She should not feel this way about her best friend. She likes to think that she’s mad at herself for feeling what she’s feeling but in reality, she’s mad at Stiles for always being there for her, for whispering in her ear when they’re about to fall asleep. She’s mad because sometimes he gives her that look, with his hazelnut eyes, that makes her believe she’s the only girl in the world for him and she doesn’t know what to do with that information.  

She’s upset because sometimes it feels like they’re not that close anymore. She feels like can’t just go to his house and have dinner with him and his dad and just stay there watching movies until they fall asleep. Everything they used to do feels foreign. Long drives on the jeep feels longer because it’s not just the two of them anymore. So, no jokes, no music, no Lydia in the passenger seat.  

It’s so out of character for them, they used to be best friends but know she feels like she’s holding on a memory.  

A good memory, at least.

Suddenly, Stiles started to spend more time with Malia and she felt alone, especially during summer, when Allison went again to France. She spent a lot of time watching movies with Kira, having dinner with Scott and Isaac but the person she wanted the most wasn’t available.  She actually went to the lake house and stayed there alone for an entire week.  

Stiles and Malia broke up on Halloween night before the party on Allison’s house, she never asked the reason or if it was mutual. There is a part of hers that it is still curious but she’s also afraid of getting hurt again. What if he didn’t want to break up? What if he still liked Malia?  

She fakes a smile because she’s Lydia Martin, no one can know that she’s hurt. Well, of course Allison knows but every time she mentions anything about it Lydia changes the subject.  

It’s easier this way.  

If she doesn’t talk about it she probably will stop thinking about it.  

Hopefully.  

She’s so mad that she left the party.  

Well, she didn’t actually leave it, Allison would kill her. Lydia just said she needed fresh air. Scott, Kira and Malia were talking, so they probably didn’t even notice. Stiles did, though, but she’s been avoiding him all night.  

She arrived at Derek’s house with Allison and Isaac and made small talk with almost everyone – Cora, Boyd, Erica, etc. His loft is bigger than what she expected but it does not look like someone actually lives there, there’s minimal furniture and no pictures. It’s a great place to throw a party, though. He’s going to leave once Cora goes to college – or is it a gap year? She doesn’t remember – but still, this place needed a decoration as soon as possible, it doesn’t look like a home.

Then she spent nearly an hour playing “who has the worst love life”. Isaac thinks he is in love with Allison but she’s dating Scott on and off since sophomore year and Scott is like a brother to him.  Lydia knows she’s in love with her best friend, who was dating someone until like two months ago. She also knows he doesn’t feel anything about her. Maybe he did when they were younger but now it’s she’s not sure. In her mind, he was no longer the boy who would do anything and everything for her. They call it a tie and drink two shots of pure vodka.  

So, yeah, she’s outside Derek’s apartment and thank god for California’s weather. There’s a small park nearby and she walks toward it. It’s kinda abandoned even though the neighborhood is very nice. It’s a good place to think when it’s not full of kids.  

But the truth is, she doesn’t want to be alone with her thoughts.  

She doesn’t want to feel alone anymore.  

She hears someone walking and honestly, she’s tired and she doesn’t need to turn around to know it’s Stiles.

“Lyds.”

It’s been a while since he used this nickname but it’s so familiar that makes her heart aches in a good way.  

“Hi.” Her voice was still and she faked a smile before saying anything and according to the look on his face he knows it. Of course, he knows it. He knows her better than anyone in the world.  

Stiles seems quiet, he’s not talking non-spot as usual. He sits on the yellow swing next to her. The atmosphere is nice and the view is even better.  

“I figured you may want some hot chocolate since it’s cold here.”

She nodded. “Not cold enough, though.”

“Here,” he hands her a white mug with hot chocolate, “I remembered your mini marshmallows.”  

She has no idea how he made hot chocolate on Derek’s kitchen. To be honest, she didn’t even imagine he had things there. She didn’t see anything but alcohol. She accepts the drink because it’s the best in the world. It’s an old recipe from his mom, he told her once when they were watching the stars on his back yard and there was no one else in the world except the two of them.  

“Thanks.” This time she gives a real smile because it’s the little things that he does that make her love him more and more every single day. Things may have gotten different in the last year but deep down she knows she can tell him anything and he will always be there to listen, to pay attention.  

“So, what are you doing here?”

“Turns out two hours of Michael Bublé is enough for me.”

“Really?”  

“Yep.” She answers but she knows that he knows that she’s lying. Stiles is familiar with her in a way no one else ever was. In fact, probably in a way no one else will ever be.  

“Well, I saw you humming White Christmas.”

She takes a drink of her hot chocolate. “It’s not my fault it’s so catchy and besides, why are we even listening to Christmas songs?”

“I may have forgotten to make a playlist,” he says looking at her eyes.

“That’s literally your only responsibility since I started coming to those parties.”

He chuckes, “I guess I was busy.”

“Oh.”

Oh.  

“No busy busy, not like that, I guess I just had a lot on my mind.”

She thought of making a comment but let it go.  

“Wanna share?”

He laughs and seems anxious.  

“I don’t actually know how to say this.”

“You can try,“ she places her hand on his because it doesn’t matter if she’s mad at him or herself. Lydia loves Stiles. Period. Simple as that.  

He takes a deep breath and stares at her gaze, "I’ve been trying to figure out a way of kissing this girl I really really like – honestly, like doesn’t even come close to what I feel about her - but she absolutely hates midnight kisses and I also don’t want her to think I’m only kissing her because of this fucking date and the truth is that I want to kiss her every hour and every day and did I mention that I really like her?”

She bites her lips, it’s an old habit that happens a lot when she’s around him, it’s like she’s speechless.  

“You’re the first girl I’ve ever danced with, remember how I had a crush on you freshman year, sophomore year, junior year. I love you, Lydia.”

She kisses him.  

Finally.

“I love you too, Stiles.”  

They continue to kiss and he’s so delicate, he places his hand on her neck, then her cheek and when they finally break the kiss he places a kiss on her eyelids and brings her closer to him.  

It feels so right.

They don’t need to say anything right now – they can talk about this and everything else later.  

There’s a billion fireworks on the sky – and inside of her too.  

December 31, 2014.

It feels good to be in Beacon Hills for winter break. There’s something nostalgic about waking up and meeting Stiles, Scott and Allison for brunch like they did every Saturday when they were in high school. It feels good to be in the passenger seat of the jeep, hearing Stiles talk about the most random things and holding her hand every time the lights turn red. She still feels goosebumps every time he touches her.  

Not to mention that the weather is way better.

Their first semester was good, sometimes long-distance relationships are hard but as that’s part of life. They facetime everyday but still miss each other.  

“I didn’t get the chance of give you your Christmas present yet,” he says, hugging her while they walk to Scott’s house.

Lydia spent her Christmas in Boston because of a research of one of her classes. It was such an honor to be invited to Mrs. Evans research group, the only problem was that they had to work until December 29. Stiles offered to spend Christmas with her and she really wanted to say yes but she knew how much he missed his dad, it wasn’t fair.  It snowed a lot on Christmas day but she didn’t get the chance to enjoy her first white Christmas, Lydia stayed in the lab with the other students, they ordered Chinese food and talked about what they would do if they were with their families.

She likes to think she would celebrate with her family and then she would meet Stiles, Allison and Scott and they would watch Christmas movies all day.  

He grabs his phone and handles it to her.  

“What is it?”

“Unlock it and you will see,” he says, “well, your gift is your apartment, there were some problems with the deliver and it only arrived yesterday but since you’re going to Boston one day before I get there I wanted to show you this so I could see your face.”

She puts his password (her birthday) and unlocks his phone. There’s a star map with the title “When we said I love you for the first time” and she keeps staring at the phone.

“The real one is in your apartment, this is just the print,” he repeats because he’s nervous, “do you like it?”

She looks away from the phone for the first time and puts her arms around his neck. There’s a few tears in her eyes, “Stiles, this is… It’s so special. I love this so much. I love you so much.”

He kisses her and brings her closer to him, “I love you Lyds.”

“We can use this as our first decoration when we move in together,” Stiles says.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

They hold hands and continue to walk to Scott’s house, where their friends will be waiting for them to celebrate a new year.  

December 31, 2032.

“Stiles.” Lydia speaks softly, her hair is up in a bun and she feels like she’s not fully wake yet.  

There’s no sunlight coming from the window and she’s so tired it takes her a solid two minutes to understand the situation.

It’s already dark. She looks at the phone on her and sees a picture of her and stiles on Italy last year as her lock screen and sees the time. “Shit.”  

Next to her, Stiles is sleeping peacefully. His sleeping habits changed a lot since high school – nowadays he’s able to sleep for six hours straight. Lydia hates to wake him up but now she has to. “Hey. Stiles. Stiles.”

“Lyds.” He mumbles with his face facing the pillow.

“We’re late.”

“It’s so comfy,” he places his hand on her belly and starts to draw small circles with his fingers.  

“I know but it’s 11pm.”

“WHAT” he jumps out of bed and goes in their closet and comes back two minutes later wearing the same clothes. He lays on bed next to her, this time facing her.

“Lyds, do the math with me. it would take at least 30 minutes to get ready,” she gives him a look, “ok, forty-five. Plus twenty minutes to get to Malia and Kira’s, but only if we’re lucky, it could be even more since they block some road this time of the year. Do you really wanna spend New Year in the car?”

“Depends, mine or yours?”

“Ha. Very funny. But if you want to go just say it and I will get ready.”

“Or we could stay.” She leans in and kisses him.  

Sometimes Lydia can’t believe she’s lucky enough to be married to her best friend. They have been together since they were seventeen, they are soulmates, emotional threaders.

“I totally agree.”

“We could watch a movie or something.”

“God. Are we that old already?” Stiles asks.  

“We have to come up with a good excuse, though.”

“Sorry guys, we’re terrible friends and we lost track of the time and end up sleeping till late but see you next year.”

“I think ‘Sorry guys, we’re terrible friends and we lost track of the time and end up sleeping till late because it’s our 3-year-old daughter doesn’t know the word ‘sleep.”  

"That’s better.”

“Agreed.”

“We should have let Anya stay with my mother today because we wanted to have fun and not be responsible for one night and instead of doing that we slept all day.“

“Our plan was good.”  

“Until Anya decided she wanted to go with us.”  

“Until Anya cried because she wasn’t going to stay with us.” Stiles kisses her collarbone and she feels him smiling.  

“And whose fault is that?” Lydia asks

“What?”

“Stiles, she’s our daughter, she’s already smart enough to know that if she cries you will do anything she wants.”

“She wasn’t actually crying,” he realizes.  

“Nope.”

“Oh god. We have another genius in the house. And we’re getting old. Maybe we should move to a house with no backyard. She made me run for an entire hour yesterday.“

"Or give her some video games, I’m sure she’s old enough.” Stiles opened his mouth to say something, probably give her a list of the games, “Stiles, I’m joking, don’t even think about it.”

“So, what’s our plan?”

“We stay in.”

“Come up with a better text, thought.”

“I can make something for us to eat,” he offers and gets out of bed.

She meets him for a hug, It’s warm and safe just like it was when they were teenagers.  

“And I can choose the movie. Perfect,” she says and kisses him, “don’t forget the hot chocolate.”

“You know I won’t,“ he kisses her again.  "I’ll see if Anya is awake.”  

They count down the seconds to the new year with their daughter and watch their favorite movies. It’s another year they spent together and the fact that they will spend every day, every week, every month, every year together for the rest of their lives warms Lydia’s heart.

#lydiastxles #stydia #stydia secret santa #stydiaedit #stydia fanfiction #fic #fics #fanfic #fanfics #fanfiction #gifts #presents 2017

[neolite-blog1]

Traditional Neon Signs

Neon signage is like sweet candy treats for the eyes. This amazing hand crafted medium has captivated, excited, motioned and promoted everything from cafes, coffee shops, cinemas, car dealerships to the seedy underbellies and back streets of Sydney’s nightlife. Developed by Claude Neon in 1923 this beautiful creation took hold, quickly becoming a fixture in outdoor advertising.

Neon’s wide range of beautiful colours range from light soft pastels to deep bold colours that roam the colour spectrum and can evoke a huge range of feelings to excite and entice the heart of your audience.

 One of the best ways to be seen Day or Night is using traditional neon signage. Neon glass signage has the warmth and character that can’t be achieved with LED or Faux Neon products.

 Our custom-made traditional neon signs are world class, our inhouse team of glass neon benders will make you a 1 of a kind illuminated masterpiece. These types of neon light signs are the perfect solution to advertise your business effectively making your store front a beacon to your customer base & the passing crowds, in a busy street or shopping centre.

 Neon adds more visibility in & outdoors

No matter the location of your business, shopfront or showroom a neon sign can attract attention from street level or several floors up, no matter the situation a neon sign can attract the attention of busy shoppers, pedestrians and passing traffic.

 Indoor Neon - Even with such a vast array of options outdoor, neon has a huge range of uses indoor. If it’s a quirky slogan mounted on a green wall, a reception sign, mood lighting, an neon artwork, illustration or announcing  different departments, sales counters or directing people around a busy workspace, these traditional neon signs will effortless bring customers through your door. A neon sign placed in window or shopfront is also a great way to attract attention.

 Business Neon Sign Types - As the leading and largest neon maker in Sydney, New South Wales & Australia, Neolite has a huge variety of neon signage options available. Speaking to one of our designers you can develop the perfect sign for your business shopfront or showroom. We have a many premade & off the shelf options available but most of our traditional neon is custom made. Some examples of our off the shelf units can be found on our website neolite.com.au Our most popular neon signs are the Open Neon, Burgers, Beers, Now Open, and many other generic illuminated signs, which are cost effective solutions to attract attention, notify your customers of your hours, or available products & services. If you can’t find what you’re looking for order a custom neon instead. 

 Illuminated Neon Window Signs - Neon Window Signs come with a clear acrylic tray or box for extra durability and are usually made from 4.5mm premium acrylic to make the ultra-bright neon appear to be floating. The clear acrylic tray makes the neon visible from both sides, with a box arrangement it means less maintenance & cleaning. They can be mounted either with stainless steel cable and dress fixtures, chain, or screwed directly to a wall or window frame. They can also be mounted from a bracket or suspended outside so they can be seen by customers in both directions.

 LED Flex/Faux Neon Window Sign – A more modern type of sign is the LED Neon window sign, made with a colourful flexible silicon rope. These sign are great for short term applications, events anything under 20,000 hours. They are vibrant and bright but have a limited colour range of 12 solid state colours. They come in RGB also which is Bluetooth controlled or can be programmed at extra cost. LED Flex needs to be mounted to an acrylic backing panel. Great for events and promotional uses.

Neon Logo Sign – Brand recognition is the key to customer loyalty. Whether your brand is already a household name — or aspires to someday be one — these neon signs convey professionalism, consistency, and longevity. The way to endear yourself to your growing customer base is to introduce yourself, and there’s no better way to do that then with a glowing logo that gives them confidence in their choice of where to do business.

 Traditional Neon Lighting – Decorative neon, architectural or art deco. Traditional neon dates to the 1920’s. It was the first choice for architects and designers when they wanted to ad ambient lighting, highlight or illuminate features that couldn’t be illuminated using incandescent bulbs. Neon tubing and lighting can be fine tuning to match the most precise colour point with over 170 neon colour variants available you can find the right colour and tone for you interior project, neon artwork, sculpture, signage, illustration, or graphics package. Neolite is the first choice when it comes to neon.

For almost 100 years traditional neon has been the first choice for outdoor signage and advertising

Basic Neon Signs – The basic neon sign has a thin aluminium frame to support the neon, the neon is usually single stroke basic text with a small electronic transformer mounted to the rear of the unit. These signs are usually hung in windows, about entry ways, and can be used as a directional or wayfinding signage system or to notify your customers of amenities or highlight services that you offer. They are highly durable, and the simplicity of makes them the first choice for bars, and public spaces.

 Restaurant Illuminated Neon Sign – The way to your patron’s hearts are not only through their stomachs, but their senses. A custom designed, visually pleasing neon sign for your restaurant will not only welcome night-time diners — but it will also look great during the day. Our neon restaurant signage can be produced in any combination of shapes, sizes and colours that will make your arriving customers hungry for more. Its makes the perfect backdrop for all

 Neon Marquee Signage - The sight of a glittering marquee heralds the excitement of a Broadway show, an exciting new film, the glitz and glamour of a night out and the displays’ trademark appearances defines the look of many major cities famed theatre & entertainment districts. This bright, eye-catching neon signage hangs over the historic theatres that have been lighting up Sydney and capital cites for more than a century. Partnered with Wagner Lettering and illuminated lightboxes, flashing lighting this marquee signs are impossible to ignore. Our inhouse design team can assist you bring something truly spectacular to life.

 Pylon Neon Signs - These steel powerhouses are the inviting gateway to your business providing bright and powerful exposure for all passing traffic. Neon is the ultimate enhancement of Pylon signage creating a bright and bold first impression. With a superior presence & strategically located and designed a neon pylon sign will increase the visibility of you brand and maximise the recognition of passing trade.

 Neon Repair Services – Since 1948 we have been servicing, repairing, and replacing neon all over Sydney and New South Wales. In addition to being Australia largest supplier of spare parts, transformers, cable, boots and technical advice to the majority of neon benders nationally. With a full time on the road service crew of qualified electricians & our neon bending studio located 15 mins drive from Sydney’s CBD. We are the first choice for all neon repairs and maintenance for any neon sign, no matter how big or small.

 Top Neon Designers - At Neolite, our staff of highly skilled industrial designers possesses the necessary creativity, along with an eye for consistent quality that can put together the perfect sign just for you. We will work with you on completely original designs, faithful reproductions of your own graphics or combinations of the two. Not only can we craft original signs from scratch, we can also flawlessly incorporate existing logos and artwork into a new project, to provide consistent branding for your business or organisation. Our team can provide full construction drawings for your neon, with all the relevant technical data and details to provide to architects, council, designers, or builders. 

Superior Neon Parts and Construction - We only use premium Italian & English glass tube, premium grade tried and tested electrodes, waterproofed connections, premium transformers & electrical parts, and the highest quality, thickest gauge of insulated wiring possible for every project in order to ensure both the safety and dependability of your valuable neon signage. Our neon signs come with a variety of bespoke and custom finishes and they can be manufactured to the most stringent requirements. All our neon signs are also guaranteed.

 Neon Sign Maintenance from Someone You Can Trust

Not only can we design, fabricate, assemble, deliver, and install your beautiful new sign — we can also help maintain it for the length of its service life. While our signs last for years without fading, a bulb or small electrical component sometimes needs replacing. When your sign face does eventually need a touch up or a replacement, you can count on Neolite to be there and repair your sign without all the headaches of dealing with a third party.

 At Neolite, we favour a long term business relationship over a quick sale. During a repair, we always try to salvage as many of the older working parts as possible, in order to ensure your sign can get back to work, and your storefront can continue to look attractive and inviting for customers, as quickly — and with as little hassle or cost — as possible. We made our name and reputation through more than three decades of delivering effective and reliable sign solutions to thousands of satisfied loyal clients throughout Sydney, New South Wales & across Australia.

 About Neolite

Neolite has been making signage since 1948 & is proudly based in 3 locations across Sydney. We have clients all over Sydney, New South Wales, Brisbane, Melbourne, Adelaide, Perth, Darwin & Canberra.

We can ship or setup new signage in most locations around Australia, and we’re one of the few Sydney sign manufacturers that also has industrial designers on staff for clients that need them.

We’re not only famous for our quality neon signs and beautiful original designs, but for our quick turnaround and free estimates as well. We make it easy to get a quote with our online form.

 Call or Use the Button at the Top Now For a Free Quote

If you’d like to learn more about any type of light box sign or sign that can be seen at night, give us a call today at [phone]. We’re happy to discuss all of our sign options with you, their prices, advantages, and more. We’re also available for neon sign maintenance and repair if your sign has seen better days. Call us today to learn more.

Visit Here: - Neo light

Neon products Australia

[batterymonster2021]

News: Major Bitcoin Bull Indicator / Binance Mainnet Launched: Get Prepared

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/news-major-bitcoin-bull-indicator-binance-mainnet-launched-get-prepared-2/

News: Major Bitcoin Bull Indicator / Binance Mainnet Launched: Get Prepared

What’s up every body and welcome back to field mining there may be a lot on the crypto information entrance in these days and we’re gonna take a seem at all of them and at the forefront and the major we’re gonna talk about this golden cross that every person is speakme about in reality we just crossed it and it signifies relatively bullish habits and once we take a seem at what’s sensible and now not realistic in phrases of expectations and in different information we bought Vitalik saying let’s increase staking rewards for Ethereum someday we additionally got the CFTC chair saying or hinting at what’s in all probability delaying Bakkt for Bitcoin and on high of that we’re gonna take a really deep seem at through Binance chain it can be simply launched live in these days and there is a lot of alterations I ought to beware of for illustration new addresses and also what the BEP-2 token we’re gonna take a look at intensive appear at that in latest episode so ensure you keep for that and with all my videos that you may skip straight to the section you’re inquisitive about so what you want to do is you need to move and scroll down to the top comments and click on the time for his or her remark the subject you are concerned about everything of course blanketed right here is my personal opinion now not financial advice and we bought quite a bit to duvet at present so let’s get into it let’s off through taking a seem on the markets and the markets are flashing a bit bit inexperienced to trap us in so we bought Bitcoin at five thousand 5 hundred and sixty that’s certainly an all-time excessive for this yr we started off this yr with three thousand 700 and it can be getting pushed up quite loads and there’s plenty of pleasure as good on reddit considering that what we’re seeing correct now what each person is relatively excited for is this golden pass formation on Bitcoin and what persons are pronouncing is this is a important indication for to off the bull market so in phrases of technical analysis what’s the Golden cross what does it imply whoa it can be these two traces crossing one of the vital white line representing the 50-day relocating usual crossing with the 200-day moving typical and what quite a lot of humans are viewing this as is that it is a shift in market conduct sort of the formal shift back into a Bullis mentality and if you seem at very deeply and also you see plenty of these crazy articles I right away saw this one got here to mine analyst predicts Ethereum to hit 2000 after impending golden pass and we see various these articles just lately simply to clickbait every body into studying dumb and a variety of the foundation at the back of it is certainly headquartered on this guy called science guy so science guy in the event you guys don’t know he is been making beautiful correct predictions of when bullish behaviors comes and he is been predicting the tip of the endure market coming this month so on April 24th there was type of like additional adjustments he is been pronouncing yet between April 30th to made a fifth it can be been flopping a little bit but he’s seeing a major upswing for the cost of each Ethereum and for Bitcoin and this is what’s getting every body so excited so in the event you appear at reddit we received shit row insane noob I simply maxed out all my bank cards purchasing Bitcoin now there is definitely various pleasure principally with regards to shitpost on reddit for me individually i’m still taking my historical stance which is dollar cost typical and in general that is considering of my previous expertise due to the fact that I sort of remorse vastly no longer buy a extra Bitcoin back when it was once in 2012 and Bitcoin was once ten bucks I mean on the finish of the day whether or not I bought it at $10 $12 might be even $15 it can be a enormous gain my heart’ll in the end in phrases of other factors to get excited for crypto we bought crypto to crypto quantity surging via 70% in march so this is a file launched with the aid of coin examine and in their march assessment they stated that there’s a tremendous broaden so 70 percent for crypto to crypto trade and forty seven.5 for total crypto alternate sparked quantity they may be all increasing showing that there’s multiplied healthy interest for trading cryptocurrencies in terms of aetherium Vitalik is asserting that he needs to expand the return on funding for staking sooner or later for aetherium so easy methods to fully grasp this desk is as such so on this side now we have Ethereum stakes so the more Ethereum there may be staked the more annual issuance the extra a theorem that is created but also the max annual return for staking can be decreased given that you are variety of spreading that reward over quite a few ethereum state overall i am most likely very excited for when a theorem does make that transfer to proof of stake it’s much cleaner for the atmosphere and in addition it does imply that there may be more lockup for Ethereum so now the one question is when would arrive and we will still have got to wait to see that now this caught my eye over the weekend which is Serena Williams four-time Olympic gold medal for tennis she’s investing into coinbase because the title reads now at first when I first saw this i’m like what’s the cause I mean Serena’s identified for beating at tennis but not at Crypto or investment funds what’s a monitor record what’s her history but upon extra inspection of this text we realized that she definitely invested or started investing with her Serena ventures in 2014 so that is surely earlier than that major crypto Rises and she or he i am investing coinbase so that’s actually you know lovely excellent track record so that is an honestly nunu’s per se but alternatively it’s only a disclose present previous investments which included coinbase and she definitely made it go in there subsequent up now we have bed tracks they’re denying that there are any North Korean users on its platform so how did this all occur is when you consider that the brand new York department of financial services they’re accusing metrics of having inadequate insurance policies for anti money laundering now vetrix is flat-out the 90s and i surely see quite a lot of authorities doing more to exchanges someday now money laundering is quite bad however truthfully focusing on crypto exchanges is solely the effortless prey because the biggest sources of cash laundering are the centralized banks I imply just recently Deutsche financial institution’s been raided for money laundering we received JP Morgan to consistently been quality for money laundering as good we without doubt received to stop it but honestly I feel they’re looking at the flawed people just chase right down to a centralized banks in finding them no longer just in finding them however move your banking licenses if their money laundering it can be relatively simple as that and let new avid gamers come and diminish that centralized corruption that we now have on the rumor mill there is this rumor passing around that vacant cocks might be robotically submitting collectors for compensation what this means is that potentially in the event you didn’t bounce by way of the entire loops to file for misplaced money in mt.Gox you continue to would have a risk so that is really pretty cool for me in view that surely i’m a sufferer of empty cocks and i did not file all of the types incorrectly on time so there is a possibility that folks could get that so we will ought to maintain our fingers crossed now onto some greater stuff for adoptions so that you could now keep with Bitcoin on Amazon good no longer directly with Amazon but there’s a new plugin achieved by way of a corporation known as moon that permits you to use the Lightning community to pay for Amazon items in phrases of how you utilize it when you’re buying something on Amazon what will occur is on the cost page the plug-in will show a separate kind of slide to pay with the Lightning network and you can scan the QR code to pay instantly with Lightning network utilising Bitcoin all right I got click on baited into clicking on this article which is CTF C chair giancarlo guidelines out what’s retaining backs future Bitcoin futures now we now have all been hyped about again considering that it can be a new way for men and women to get into trading Bitcoin and it is been stalled so what above all did he say did he supply any signals good it seems to be with the custody a part of Bitcoin so correct now how the backed rash it holds its Bitcoin it appears that is inflicting a little little bit of trouble or hiccups with CTFC approval so we do not really be aware of exactly when this will get accepted I feel that is lovely usual we’ve visible multiple delays on backed so we variety of expect further delays except for like you understand it’s ready now on to the final subject which is finance and there may be quite a few foremost understanding here in particular if you’re or conserving B MB or utilizing B MB and likewise if you’re interested on this sort of decentralized alternate now we’re gonna run down of what this decks certainly is and what how we are able to access it is at Binance.Org not binace.Com and can right away start click to start buying and selling and you’ll see that there may be nothing buying and selling as of but when you consider that all these new belongings they have got to be migrated onto a new token regular for finance referred to as BEP to this factor is rather predominant due to the fact ordinarily finance is an ERC20 token so if you absolutely scan it on say enjinx and you look at all the holders these are folks who maintain and the pockets addresses that maintain BNB and you are held on a theorem addresses that with 0x so right now if you are Hopi and B you gotta be rather listen up and watch out because right now that ERC token is being migrated onto the Binance chain and in the future it’s gonna have an address that genuinely is not commencing with 0x however commencing with bnb and you’ll be able to see that once the Binance when you enter your new account and your new wallet you’re gonna have a wholly distinct account the full article for Binance mainnet swap is here i’ll go away it down a comment section below now should you Hopi and B i’m buying it itself you don’t rather have to do some thing for an trade – we are going to do it naturally for you and in the future while you withdraw it you are gonna be withdrawing it into this b mb one variety addresses so that is now not gonna impact you that so much what does happen is it impacts men and women who have financed token already of their wallet so the BNB already in the wallet so at some point you acquired to relatively pay awareness to how and the place you deposit your BNB if it is an ERC 20 token you bought a deposit to a further a theorem tackle so it starts with 0x right now the mechanism for changing those tokens is by way of the bynars alternate so just doing that deposit however make sure that deposits are open before you do so additionally they stated in the future the ERC variant is a 20 variant of BNB will most effective have temporary utilization in order that they need to do a full migration of those tokens on to finance chain so inevitably you simply ought to migrate to the native by means of first-class chain now in phrases of the steadiness chain itself it is no longer an open consensus chain so it is in reality relatively special from how a theorem works in a sense that with a theorem any person can become a member of the community and that’s why transactions are slower on the grounds that you must have an account for network latency good finance chain they may be doing it very centralized for those who men and women call it that manner the place there are validator notes that are pick few members and so they’re accelerators that promote and make transactions rapid what that implies is that you get turbo confirmations however you severly sacrifice on decentralization considering that only decide on participants can become validator nodes that means if there is collusion between these validators they can possibly alter or censor transactions so that’s sort of the exchange-off between centralization and decentralization versus velocity the more centralization have the much faster that transaction goes to take and this is though which paths that bind has chose they want high performance over more decentralization now I fully agree now I completely believe czs comment here that Finance Dex does no longer venture these theorem it does not have intelligent contracts it challenges ourselves exchanges and that i feel that is the key function I believe we must soak up mind here it is a token mechanism and it will possibly work for some tasks and no longer different initiatives proper now for that token migration there are projects relocating over and Monroe is one in every of them so there was a giant enhance in mythril fame after they determined emigrate from aetherium to buy a best chain to take expertise of how fast transactions are and it makes numerous feel for metro in view that a favors person experience truly with the aid of having exchanges or tokens being transferred much faster unlike in case you had been in a theorem whilst you ought to wait for confirmations good-financed chain is much turbo it is smart for them but it will not make sense for each single challenge and one day i’ll make a much longer video speaking about the negative aspects and disadvantages of relocating on to the finance chain so be certain you stay tuned for that and that’s it for contemporary information replace I simply received back from the V chain summit so i have an up come video to simply talk about all the tendencies there for those who guys are interested by developments i’ve an editorial i’ll put that down below about all the announcements coming and V chain my video about this is gonna be a way more down-to-earth variety of analysis of what’s taking place for me one factor the rationale why i am going to conferences is not because i will be able to reward the fine of the whole lot but I want to show you guys what’s really taking place and what’s truthful to the occasion so that is what that you could expect in my upcoming video concerning the V exchange summit and realistically what do you guys suppose concerning the finance chain adore it hate it have you ever tried the scan net what are your thoughts about it go away a remark within the part under and that i fairly need to have a dialogue with you guys about it thanks guys a lot for watching this video do not forget to click on the like button down under to aid this channel and of path subscribe if you haven’t completed so already by using clicking the subscribe button and a notification bell see you guys in the subsequent video

[airoasis]

News: Major Bitcoin Bull Indicator / Binance Mainnet Launched: Get Prepared

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/news-major-bitcoin-bull-indicator-binance-mainnet-launched-get-prepared-2/

News: Major Bitcoin Bull Indicator / Binance Mainnet Launched: Get Prepared

What’s up every body and welcome back to field mining there may be a lot on the crypto information entrance in these days and we’re gonna take a seem at all of them and at the forefront and the major we’re gonna talk about this golden cross that every person is speakme about in reality we just crossed it and it signifies relatively bullish habits and once we take a seem at what’s sensible and now not realistic in phrases of expectations and in different information we bought Vitalik saying let’s increase staking rewards for Ethereum someday we additionally got the CFTC chair saying or hinting at what’s in all probability delaying Bakkt for Bitcoin and on high of that we’re gonna take a really deep seem at through Binance chain it can be simply launched live in these days and there is a lot of alterations I ought to beware of for illustration new addresses and also what the BEP-2 token we’re gonna take a look at intensive appear at that in latest episode so ensure you keep for that and with all my videos that you may skip straight to the section you’re inquisitive about so what you want to do is you need to move and scroll down to the top comments and click on the time for his or her remark the subject you are concerned about everything of course blanketed right here is my personal opinion now not financial advice and we bought quite a bit to duvet at present so let’s get into it let’s off through taking a seem on the markets and the markets are flashing a bit bit inexperienced to trap us in so we bought Bitcoin at five thousand 5 hundred and sixty that’s certainly an all-time excessive for this yr we started off this yr with three thousand 700 and it can be getting pushed up quite loads and there’s plenty of pleasure as good on reddit considering that what we’re seeing correct now what each person is relatively excited for is this golden pass formation on Bitcoin and what persons are pronouncing is this is a important indication for to off the bull market so in phrases of technical analysis what’s the Golden cross what does it imply whoa it can be these two traces crossing one of the vital white line representing the 50-day relocating usual crossing with the 200-day moving typical and what quite a lot of humans are viewing this as is that it is a shift in market conduct sort of the formal shift back into a Bullis mentality and if you seem at very deeply and also you see plenty of these crazy articles I right away saw this one got here to mine analyst predicts Ethereum to hit 2000 after impending golden pass and we see various these articles just lately simply to clickbait every body into studying dumb and a variety of the foundation at the back of it is certainly headquartered on this guy called science guy so science guy in the event you guys don’t know he is been making beautiful correct predictions of when bullish behaviors comes and he is been predicting the tip of the endure market coming this month so on April 24th there was type of like additional adjustments he is been pronouncing yet between April 30th to made a fifth it can be been flopping a little bit but he’s seeing a major upswing for the cost of each Ethereum and for Bitcoin and this is what’s getting every body so excited so in the event you appear at reddit we received shit row insane noob I simply maxed out all my bank cards purchasing Bitcoin now there is definitely various pleasure principally with regards to shitpost on reddit for me individually i’m still taking my historical stance which is dollar cost typical and in general that is considering of my previous expertise due to the fact that I sort of remorse vastly no longer buy a extra Bitcoin back when it was once in 2012 and Bitcoin was once ten bucks I mean on the finish of the day whether or not I bought it at $10 $12 might be even $15 it can be a enormous gain my heart’ll in the end in phrases of other factors to get excited for crypto we bought crypto to crypto quantity surging via 70% in march so this is a file launched with the aid of coin examine and in their march assessment they stated that there’s a tremendous broaden so 70 percent for crypto to crypto trade and forty seven.5 for total crypto alternate sparked quantity they may be all increasing showing that there’s multiplied healthy interest for trading cryptocurrencies in terms of aetherium Vitalik is asserting that he needs to expand the return on funding for staking sooner or later for aetherium so easy methods to fully grasp this desk is as such so on this side now we have Ethereum stakes so the more Ethereum there may be staked the more annual issuance the extra a theorem that is created but also the max annual return for staking can be decreased given that you are variety of spreading that reward over quite a few ethereum state overall i am most likely very excited for when a theorem does make that transfer to proof of stake it’s much cleaner for the atmosphere and in addition it does imply that there may be more lockup for Ethereum so now the one question is when would arrive and we will still have got to wait to see that now this caught my eye over the weekend which is Serena Williams four-time Olympic gold medal for tennis she’s investing into coinbase because the title reads now at first when I first saw this i’m like what’s the cause I mean Serena’s identified for beating at tennis but not at Crypto or investment funds what’s a monitor record what’s her history but upon extra inspection of this text we realized that she definitely invested or started investing with her Serena ventures in 2014 so that is surely earlier than that major crypto Rises and she or he i am investing coinbase so that’s actually you know lovely excellent track record so that is an honestly nunu’s per se but alternatively it’s only a disclose present previous investments which included coinbase and she definitely made it go in there subsequent up now we have bed tracks they’re denying that there are any North Korean users on its platform so how did this all occur is when you consider that the brand new York department of financial services they’re accusing metrics of having inadequate insurance policies for anti money laundering now vetrix is flat-out the 90s and i surely see quite a lot of authorities doing more to exchanges someday now money laundering is quite bad however truthfully focusing on crypto exchanges is solely the effortless prey because the biggest sources of cash laundering are the centralized banks I imply just recently Deutsche financial institution’s been raided for money laundering we received JP Morgan to consistently been quality for money laundering as good we without doubt received to stop it but honestly I feel they’re looking at the flawed people just chase right down to a centralized banks in finding them no longer just in finding them however move your banking licenses if their money laundering it can be relatively simple as that and let new avid gamers come and diminish that centralized corruption that we now have on the rumor mill there is this rumor passing around that vacant cocks might be robotically submitting collectors for compensation what this means is that potentially in the event you didn’t bounce by way of the entire loops to file for misplaced money in mt.Gox you continue to would have a risk so that is really pretty cool for me in view that surely i’m a sufferer of empty cocks and i did not file all of the types incorrectly on time so there is a possibility that folks could get that so we will ought to maintain our fingers crossed now onto some greater stuff for adoptions so that you could now keep with Bitcoin on Amazon good no longer directly with Amazon but there’s a new plugin achieved by way of a corporation known as moon that permits you to use the Lightning community to pay for Amazon items in phrases of how you utilize it when you’re buying something on Amazon what will occur is on the cost page the plug-in will show a separate kind of slide to pay with the Lightning network and you can scan the QR code to pay instantly with Lightning network utilising Bitcoin all right I got click on baited into clicking on this article which is CTF C chair giancarlo guidelines out what’s retaining backs future Bitcoin futures now we now have all been hyped about again considering that it can be a new way for men and women to get into trading Bitcoin and it is been stalled so what above all did he say did he supply any signals good it seems to be with the custody a part of Bitcoin so correct now how the backed rash it holds its Bitcoin it appears that is inflicting a little little bit of trouble or hiccups with CTFC approval so we do not really be aware of exactly when this will get accepted I feel that is lovely usual we’ve visible multiple delays on backed so we variety of expect further delays except for like you understand it’s ready now on to the final subject which is finance and there may be quite a few foremost understanding here in particular if you’re or conserving B MB or utilizing B MB and likewise if you’re interested on this sort of decentralized alternate now we’re gonna run down of what this decks certainly is and what how we are able to access it is at Binance.Org not binace.Com and can right away start click to start buying and selling and you’ll see that there may be nothing buying and selling as of but when you consider that all these new belongings they have got to be migrated onto a new token regular for finance referred to as BEP to this factor is rather predominant due to the fact ordinarily finance is an ERC20 token so if you absolutely scan it on say enjinx and you look at all the holders these are folks who maintain and the pockets addresses that maintain BNB and you are held on a theorem addresses that with 0x so right now if you are Hopi and B you gotta be rather listen up and watch out because right now that ERC token is being migrated onto the Binance chain and in the future it’s gonna have an address that genuinely is not commencing with 0x however commencing with bnb and you’ll be able to see that once the Binance when you enter your new account and your new wallet you’re gonna have a wholly distinct account the full article for Binance mainnet swap is here i’ll go away it down a comment section below now should you Hopi and B i’m buying it itself you don’t rather have to do some thing for an trade – we are going to do it naturally for you and in the future while you withdraw it you are gonna be withdrawing it into this b mb one variety addresses so that is now not gonna impact you that so much what does happen is it impacts men and women who have financed token already of their wallet so the BNB already in the wallet so at some point you acquired to relatively pay awareness to how and the place you deposit your BNB if it is an ERC 20 token you bought a deposit to a further a theorem tackle so it starts with 0x right now the mechanism for changing those tokens is by way of the bynars alternate so just doing that deposit however make sure that deposits are open before you do so additionally they stated in the future the ERC variant is a 20 variant of BNB will most effective have temporary utilization in order that they need to do a full migration of those tokens on to finance chain so inevitably you simply ought to migrate to the native by means of first-class chain now in phrases of the steadiness chain itself it is no longer an open consensus chain so it is in reality relatively special from how a theorem works in a sense that with a theorem any person can become a member of the community and that’s why transactions are slower on the grounds that you must have an account for network latency good finance chain they may be doing it very centralized for those who men and women call it that manner the place there are validator notes that are pick few members and so they’re accelerators that promote and make transactions rapid what that implies is that you get turbo confirmations however you severly sacrifice on decentralization considering that only decide on participants can become validator nodes that means if there is collusion between these validators they can possibly alter or censor transactions so that’s sort of the exchange-off between centralization and decentralization versus velocity the more centralization have the much faster that transaction goes to take and this is though which paths that bind has chose they want high performance over more decentralization now I fully agree now I completely believe czs comment here that Finance Dex does no longer venture these theorem it does not have intelligent contracts it challenges ourselves exchanges and that i feel that is the key function I believe we must soak up mind here it is a token mechanism and it will possibly work for some tasks and no longer different initiatives proper now for that token migration there are projects relocating over and Monroe is one in every of them so there was a giant enhance in mythril fame after they determined emigrate from aetherium to buy a best chain to take expertise of how fast transactions are and it makes numerous feel for metro in view that a favors person experience truly with the aid of having exchanges or tokens being transferred much faster unlike in case you had been in a theorem whilst you ought to wait for confirmations good-financed chain is much turbo it is smart for them but it will not make sense for each single challenge and one day i’ll make a much longer video speaking about the negative aspects and disadvantages of relocating on to the finance chain so be certain you stay tuned for that and that’s it for contemporary information replace I simply received back from the V chain summit so i have an up come video to simply talk about all the tendencies there for those who guys are interested by developments i’ve an editorial i’ll put that down below about all the announcements coming and V chain my video about this is gonna be a way more down-to-earth variety of analysis of what’s taking place for me one factor the rationale why i am going to conferences is not because i will be able to reward the fine of the whole lot but I want to show you guys what’s really taking place and what’s truthful to the occasion so that is what that you could expect in my upcoming video concerning the V exchange summit and realistically what do you guys suppose concerning the finance chain adore it hate it have you ever tried the scan net what are your thoughts about it go away a remark within the part under and that i fairly need to have a dialogue with you guys about it thanks guys a lot for watching this video do not forget to click on the like button down under to aid this channel and of path subscribe if you haven’t completed so already by using clicking the subscribe button and a notification bell see you guys in the subsequent video

[meepface]

i’m in a mood and i’m bored please ignore

1: Name 

elyse

2: Age

20

3: 3 Fears

settling for less than i deserve or for something i don’t want just because happiness seems too hard or would hurt someone, the ocean, scorpions

4: 3 things I love

making people laugh, holding hands w my girlfriend and walking past another gay couple or someone in a LGBTQ+ related shirt n smilin at each other, when dogs have the lil tiny stump tails and they wag em so fast, when candles smell like christmas

5: 4 turns on

freckles, ambition/drive/passion for something, humility, uhhh also eye contact during sex can also be super hot

6: 4 turns off

apathy, moodiness, arrogance, people who are extremely loud all the time

7: My best friend

i have two and they’re great!! one leaves for japan in two days though and she’ll be gone for a month so that highkey sucks for me but she’s gonna have a blast. n my other best friend is so good to me she always takes care of me n listens to me and the other day she bought me alcohol so that was nice

8: Sexual orientation

bisexual but maybe just gay? idk i would date a boy but prolly wouldn’t fuck a boy ya know but i’d do both with a girl so who knows

9: My best date

this question originally said “my best first date” but most of em have been goin to movies and so i changed it bc my best date just in general was probably when my gf and i went and ate at our favorite place to eat n then we banged in her car in a department store parking lot and then afterwards she was like “wait nobody’s at my house i’m sneakin u over” bc her mom can be a lil weird about me going to her house so i never really do and i had never seen her room so she snuck me over to her house n we cuddled on her bed n she showed me this shoebox she has in her room with every tiny lil gift i’d ever given her in it and it made me cry a little. another nice date was when it was flooding at our university and so they canceled classes and we went to walgreens and bought shirts bc ours were soaked from the rain and i bought socks bc my socks got Wet bc i stepped in a puddle and we just stayed in my car and ate candy in our comfy clothes waitin for the rain to let up and yeah TMI ahead but basically she ended up eating me out for the first time so that was nice lol

10: How tall am I

5′7

11: What do I miss

i dunno i already miss my best friend Kate even tho she doesn’t leave for Japan until Wednesday morning. also i kinda miss how things were before this year bc my life was less chaotic and stressful and sad last year and now i’m in a rut a lil bit

12: What time was I born

uhh 11:30 somethin AM

13: Favorite color

i like cerulean which is sorta like a teal blue and then yellow and then brown and then dark green

14: Do I have a crush

ya i have a gf

15: Favorite quote

“if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely”

16: Favorite place

i like to be in my bedroom a lot but there’s also this roof i go to with friends a lot that’s really nice at night and i have so many memories there. it’s a really happy place for me

17: Favorite food

i like japanese food but not the seafood kind

18: Do I use sarcasm

no never

19: What am I listening to right now

praying // kesha

20: First thing I notice in new person

i guess just their general vibe

22: Eye color

very green but they were blue for a good half of my life which is kinda weird bc they’re so green now lmao

23: Hair color

red lmao

24: Favorite style of clothing

idk i go through a million styles in a week but my fave is just a cute oversized shirt n leggings bc it’s comfy and effortless

25: Ever done a prank call?

oh yeah i used to do a ton, i even used to have a character that i’d prank call people with actually. her name was Sonya and she sold breast enhancement cream

27: Meaning behind my URL

that’s actually a secret lmao

28: Favorite movie

the secret life of walter mitty

29: Favorite song

uhh idk but lately i’ve loved do re mi by blackbear 

30: Favorite band

twenty one pilots (can i make it any more obvious that i hate myself), two door cinema club, of monsters and men, the 1975, the wonder years

31: How I feel right now

generally okay?? today was a nice day but i’ve felt sorta sick all day and i haven’t been sleeping enough so that’s making me a big ol emotional baby so i feel like i could have a breakdown at any given minute but for the most part i am good tonight

32: Someone I love

my girlfriend

33: My current relationship status

taken

34: My relationship with my parents

oh i love em to death but sometimes they’re difficult n the two of em weren’t meant to be together honestly so i think they’d be better off n a lot less stressful to be around if they divorced but it’s okay maybe they will work it out

35: Favorite holiday

christmas eve. it’s so much better than christmas day!!!! 

36:Tattoos and piercing i have

i have a sun and moon tattoo on each wrist and the word “lovely” on my left bicep and i’m gonna get more but that’s all for now. n i have three piercings, one on one ear and two on the other. i was supposed to have two on both ears but one got infected and i didn’t know what to do so i took the piercing out and it fucked it up and it closed up so i gotta go get it repierced someday but that’s annoying so i just haven’t bothered yet

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

don’t want anymore piercings after i get that one redone tbh. but i want a pine tree tattoo i think on my ankle and a equals sign tattoo but idk where yet and lil mountains on my shoulders, also a sunflower maybe ??? i’m still tryna figure our which one i wanna get next and where. i also have been thinkin about maaaaaaybe getting the female symbol on my middle finger but idk if i want a hand tattoo ya know

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

i really liked this youtuber charlieissocoollike and he did a video about tumblr so i was like ok cool and made one but then i didn’t understand it and never used it and then caitlin one day was talking about tumblr with our friends oliver and jennica and i was like dang i wanna be cool like them so i started using it again and i found their blogs and stalked em for a while 

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

not hate but i’d never speak to him again. doubt he hates me tho

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yeah from my gf

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yes

42: When did I last hold hands?

today

43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

if i’m trying to look nice 45 mins-1 hour and if i’m not trying to look nice like 20-30 mins

44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

no but i need to lmao they a lil prickly

45: Where am I right now?

my bed and i am so happy to be here 

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

my gf would be there 100%, if not her then i’d say my friend Stein but she’d prolly be more fucked up honestly. my friend Kate would be there too

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

louuuuuud unless i’m in a weird sad mood then i like it real soft

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yeah but hopefully i’ll get my fucking act together and move out within a year but i’m still kinda figuring everything out for the time being

49: Am I excited for anything?

idk honestly i have nothing to look forward to coming up anytime soon so that sucks a lot. probably my best friend’s 21st which i think is in a few weeks?? and this music fest a good friend and i are going to at the end of this month

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

yeah my good pal Joe and also my brother and my friend Brendon too but him and i haven’t talked in a while so :/

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

this is emo as shit

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

today i hugged like four people!!!

53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i’d be so upset and i’d break up with her and be miserable for a long while after that

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

yeah there’s one

55: What is something I disliked about today?

uhh probably that i was feelin sick and on edge just generally all day. bc it was really puttin a damper on my mood

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

i’d really love to meet Ellen Degeneres

57: What do I think about most?

prolly about how i am a useless dum dum and not to sound edgggyy but i question like....... my purpose too often lately 

58: What’s my strangest talent?

talent? i don’t know her

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

i’m terrified of being vomited on. not vomit in general necessarily but it getting on me is one of the most disgusting things to me lol

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

lil bit of both but i’m better at the behind the camera stuff

61: What was the last lie I told?

told my grandma i was single bc i don’t wanna tell her i am gay n have a girlfriend even though she’d forget in like two minutes lol

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting but i’m not a big fan of either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes!!!!!!!!!

64: Do I believe in magic?

no

65: Do I believe in luck?

sure

66: What’s the weather like right now?

2 hot

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

milk and honey by rupi kaur

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

tbh i love it

69: Do I have any nicknames?

elly, gaylord, dad, that one ginger

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

probably the one time i fell off my razor scooter while goin speedy down a hill and tryna show off and got scars all over my body

71: Do I spend money or save it?

been tryna save but put me in an h&m or a forever 21 or a thrift shop and it’s all gone. i love clothes that are inexpensive 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

yeah i have an empty victoria’s secret bag on my desk

74: Favorite animal?

i like bunnies and grizzly bears

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

talking to my gf and crying probably lol it was a rough night

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

oooooo i could make a petty joke here but i won’t

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

greek tragedy // the wombats

78: How can you win my heart?

make time for me and show me i’m important to you

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“u know she dead”

80: What is my favorite word?

serendipity

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

i’d probably just start crying and everyone would stop listening

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

yeah one of my cousins murdered someone lol i am pretty sure he’s in jail but i don’t know anything about him or if he’s even still alive honestly

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

idk i’m pretty open

86: What is my current desktop picture?

some mountains lol it’s one of the Apple preset ones

87: Had sex?

yeah

88: Bought condoms?

yeah 

89: Gotten pregnant?

no

90: Failed a class?

nearly but no

91:Kissed a boy?

nah i’ve never wanted to really 

92: Kissed a girl?

yeah

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yeah

94: Had job?

yep i work at a froyo shop

95: Left the house without my wallet?

yeah

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

probably at some point when i was young but not anytime recently

97: Had sex in public?

yeah lol

98: Played on a sports team?

i was on a soccer team for a while as a kid and i hated it

99: Smoked weed?

not yet but i’d like to try it at least one time someday

100: Did drugs?

no and i am not interested in trying any other drugs besides weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?

no

102: Drank alcohol?

yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nah

104: Been overweight?

no

105:Been underweight?

for most of my life i have been lol and i finally got to a healthy weight and now i’m back to being underweight

106: Been to a wedding?

yeah a few

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yeah

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yeah but not any time recently bc i don’t have the motivation/attention span to sit through a movie or TV show anymore

109: Been outside my home country?

no but i’d really like to 

110: Gotten my heart broken?

yeah

111: Been to a professional sports game?

no and i was invited to one recently but i had work :(

112: Broken a bone?

no

113: Cut myself?

yeah

114: Been to prom?

yeah

115: Been in airplane?

yeah

116: Fly by helicopter?

no but i’d really like to

117: What concerts have I been to?

soooo many. i’ll try and name em. trans siberian orchestra, panic! at the disco, imagine dragons, twenty one pilots, two door cinema club, the weeknd, melanie martinez, catfish and the bottlemen, halsey, of monsters and men, walk the moon, eric clapton, paul mccartney, glass animals, a$ap rocky, drake, the chainsmokers, foo fighters, vance joy, the strumbellas, the front bottoms, kendrick lamar, the wombats, AWOLNATION, ben rector, we the kings, the ready set, the summer set ??? i think there’s some i’m forgetting but that’s most of em. i go to so many. i am also seeing saint motel, cage the elephant, weezer, passion pit, mac miller and MGMT this summer!!

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yaaaaa most of my crushes have been n i’m datin a girl so

119: Learned another language?

i took four years of spanish and i’m taking another spanish class in the fall!! i was always real good at it

120: Wore make up?

yeah

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no i lost it when i was 19

122: Had oral sex?

yeah

123: Dyed my hair?

nah it’s naturally red and pretty and i don’t really wanna ever dye it. i’m probably gonna dye my eyebrows tho they’re too light and i’m tired of always fillin them in

124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes this last one which was exciting until hilary lost

125: Rode in a police car?

yes

126: Had a surgery?

no

127: Met someone famous?

yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

not like legitimately but yeah i’ve gone through someone’s page out of curiosity before

129: Peed outside?

yeah

130: Been fishing?

yeah it’s sorta boring imo though

131: Helped with charity?

yeah i helped my mom with this organization she was a part of where homeless people could come and paint and make art and i helped her at a few of their shows. it is one of my favorite organizations and i met some really beautiful people there

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yeah he liked me too but he was figuring things out and later that year came out to me as gay and then like two years later i realized i’m kinda super gay too so it all worked out in the end

133: Broken a mirror?

no

134: What do I want for birthday?

to be with people i love

#like if ya read #about me #long post

[thisismyyystory]

My letter to J

J,

There are a lot of things in life that are really frightening, and some of those things more particularly to some people than others. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of losing people I care about. I am afraid of failure. And, maybe most of all, I am afraid of not doing everything that I can. I’m terrified of the idea of regretting. I have never been the kind of person to just give up or just let go. I don’t believe that life just happens to you I think you also happen to life. And I don’t believe “good things come to those who wait” I believe that good things come to those who go and get them. I don’t want to be the person who just sits back and watches life pass me by. I want to hit the ground running and take every opportunity I can and not feel like I need to look back because I want to know that I did the most that I could every chance that I had. I tell people sometimes “I always get what I want” and I know that sounds bitchy out of context but the thing is that I get what I want because I fucking make it happen. I chase things and I work for them and I put every fiber of myself that I have to give into the things that I care about.

You are one of the things that I care about.

This whole soul bearing thing is really scary but I feel like I have to do it. I feel like if I just keep everything inside of me then first of all eventually I’m going to explode but also I don’t want to live with the “what if” and wondering what I could have done differently.

I saw this quote that made me think of you…”Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level, belong together. As lovers, or friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.”

I feel like we have always had some sort of connection. Even from the very first time I met you at The Pier, you have always been really easy to be around and to talk to. I can’t really explain it…I guess we just “clicked.” I didn’t even work there very long, and out of all of our co-workers the only one I still talk to is you. I remember when we first started talking and I invited you to go to the Paul McCartney concert with me because you had never been to a concert, no one else wanted to go with me, and I wanted to hang out with you and get to know you better. I told you later I didn’t know if I was able to go and might be selling my tickets, but in all actuality, I was just too embarrassed to tell you that T got mad when I said I was going to go with you and said he would go with me instead just so that I wouldn’t go with you. At the time I didn’t really get it because you were with M and I was with T and I never would’ve cheated and at that point in time I didn’t even know you well enough to say whether or not you were someone I could be with. But now I think maybe he could just sense something…and I guess M did too. Whenever she would text or snap me from your phone I would be confused because what did I do? What boundary did I cross? But I know that neither of us did anything wrong – it was just my presence in your life that unsettled her, just like it was as simple as your presence in mine that bothered T. You’ve told me there were times we hung out that you didn’t tell M because you knew she’d be upset and I didn’t tell you but there were times when I didn’t tell T for the same reason. I guess I didn’t tell you that because I didn’t want that to somehow make you think I was dishonest or don’t take my relationships seriously or something? Which isn’t true. I’m definitely a relationship kind of person, and I take them really seriously. And like I said, you and I never crossed any boundaries or did anything unfair to our partners…Except we kind of did, in sometimes purposefully keeping it unknown that we were hanging out. And I’ve wondered why we did that, why I did that, when you and I weren’t doing anything inappropriate. But the thing is, just like M and T somehow knew, I think there was a part of us that somehow knew too. That felt that connection. We just didn’t realize it, or realize what it could be, (or maybe we chose not to) at the time.  

You told me the first time you really realized that you liked me as maybe more than a friend was the night you jumped my car and I made you grilled cheese. I don’t know if I told you how much I love that hahah. I mean if you think about it that moment really didn’t have a ton of significance or anything? You were just being a good friend and I was just trying to return the favor as best I could at the time and we were just living our lives. But I love that a moment like that could be the turning point for you. In that poem I wrote about you, one of the lines is “I never had anybody look at me like stained glass until I saw the videos you took of my eyes closed with hair blowing out your car window or in the ocean breeze.” Obviously that line is referencing different times than the night of the grilled cheese but the same principle still applies. I feel like that’s the way you look at me J and it honestly makes me want to cry. I feel like you look at me just living my life and you can see me and whether you’re looking at me through the eyes of a friend or a lover you’re still looking at me that same way. I don’t know that I can pinpoint an exact time that the way I looked at you shifted…I think it just did. There was just a time when all of a sudden it was clear and I was honest with myself that there was something there beyond “just friends.”

This is where things get a little messier and it’s really important to me that you understand that I never would have acknowledged something beyond good friendship between us if T and I had stayed together. I don’t think there’s any point being in a relationship if you don’t plan on taking it seriously you know? However I feel about things now, I really did love T and I was committed to making that relationship work. I would have done just about anything…and I did. Up until the point where T essentially asked me to give up on things that were important to me, allow myself to be devalued, and then still beg for him to stay? I never questioned doing what I had to do to keep us together. There are a lot of things within the relationship that T and I had that people didn’t know at the time, and there are still some that no one knows now. I don’t want to make it seem like something it wasn’t…There were some really great things about T and about our relationship. We wouldn’t have been together otherwise. But there were a lot of things that weren’t so great as well. There are four short poems by Rupi Kaur that I think are really relevant to this…

“I will never understand why you held me if you were afraid of warmth”

“you were not wrong for leaving you were wrong for coming back and thinking you could have me when it was convenient and leave when it was not”

“you were so afraid of my voice I decided to be afraid of it too”

“when you are broken and he has left you do not question whether you were enough the problem was that you were so enough he was not able to carry it”

In the relationship between T and I, I was always the one trying harder and wanting more. I was the one who had goals, and dreams, and ambition, and who had more love. I saw the potential that he had and the potential that I have and the potential that we had together and I wanted all of it and I put every ounce of myself towards it. But he didn’t. He wanted easy and effortless. Not to say that he didn’t try, because he did…But when it really came down to it? He had to make me feel smaller so he could feel bigger and that was his way of dealing with his insecurities and he ended up burying me and then stomping over my grave while I suffocated. There were times he would drink too much and then do shitty things and when I got upset he would just get more angry and then he would try to leave and for some reason I would always try to stop him. I would beg him not to go. To please stay. Please talk to me. Please work it out. Please try. 

Despite everything, I still think T is a good person and I still think that someday, when he’s ready, he’ll be a great boyfriend/husband/dad. So…I’m not sure why I’m telling you. But for some reason it seems relevant. He made me question myself and doubt myself and be afraid. I was constantly living in a state of fear concerning being good enough, and whether or not that would be the day that we would argue and he would decide to leave.

That’s why I have to be so honest with you now. I want you to know where I come from and I want you to know where I stand now because…I don’t want to doubt myself and I don’t want to be afraid anymore. And I don’t want to be in that kind of relationship again.

Something that is really special to me about you is that regardless of you maybe thinking about me as more than a friend, and me maybe thinking that too, we were still able to just be friends. Even once you had broken up with M, but I was still with T, you never pushed any boundaries. We were still able to talk and hang out and just happily and naturally co-exist. And even though we didn’t get to talk or hang out a lot, or even once I moved to a new state, we still stayed friends.

But then things changed. Then T and I broke up. And then you and I had lunch at the Mexican restaurant in Woodinville and you brought me flowers and told me it was going to be ok. Then we went on that walk and it was hot as shit and I really wished I wasn’t wearing jeans because they got super uncomfortable but I was still really happy. And then I went home to Oregon but soon I came back up to Washington again and I visited you at your apartment for the first time and I stayed there way later than I told my friend I was going to because being with you felt really good and we finally kissed for the first time and because I really didn’t want to leave. But then I did because I had to. And then you came and visited me in Oregon and for the first time we both really acknowledged that there was something more between us. The first night you got there we just went to bed because you showed up late and the next day I left early for a long day of work but you told me you wanted to cook me dinner and I bragged about you to my close friends all day. When I got home you really did have dinner made and you got wine too and that night I was just so happy and then we had sex for the time and it was perfect; partly because you’re beautiful and it felt good, maybe a little bit because of the wine, and also just because being close to you was easy and felt right. The next couple days we went to the beach and you did tricks and I danced around and then we went to the candy store and then Portland and ate ice cream and Thai food and even though I had gotten really sick I was also really happy. It was sad when you had to leave but we already had plans for me to come back up so that made it a little easier.

In the weeks between you visiting me in Oregon and me coming up to Washington next there were a few times when things were hard and I was dealing with stupid T shit and you were always there for me. Even though it was probably kind of weird for you. You just told me not to let anyone make me doubt myself, and that I was an amazing person. You said “you deserve the world Ana. I wish I could give it to you. He fucked up and he doesn’t deserve you. He’s so dumb for that, he’s losing the rarest of all women.” Through everything, no matter the circumstances, you have always been a friend to me J and you’ve always cared about me as a person and I will always love you for that.

When I went back up Washington you took me to Oak Harbor and I can honestly say I don’t remember the last time I was as happy as I was the two days we were there. That’s what I told all my close friends too, and they were so happy for me. In those days I was ok J and I wasn’t sad anymore and all I cared about was you and me and the time that we had and I felt happy and free and untouchable. Anacortes and Oak Harbor and everywhere you took me was beautiful and the weather was perfect…But it was so much more than that. I was so happy to get to know this part of you. I loved seeing your hometown and hearing about how one time you rode your bike all the way from your house to downtown and how you would hop the fence to get to your friend’s house rather than walk around the neighborhood and I loved getting coffee at the local spots and laughing about speed humps and eating half of a cold breakfast burrito in the car and I loved meeting your childhood best friend and even though I usually get awkward doing things I’m not comfortable with in front of people I’m not comfortable with but I loved sucking at playing darts and watching you and Jordan dance and I loved putting our dollar bill on the wall of that bar. And while you and Jordan played pool Jessica and I talked and we talked about everything and I loved it but of course that included talking about you. She asked me what was going to happen between us and I told her I don’t know and that was honest, and still is, but I wish that I could’ve told her something different. I was so happy J because I like you and I like being your friend but more than that I like getting to hold your hand and kiss you and I like getting to know you deeper than I did before.

I was really sad to come home to Oregon and now I’m even more sad because I don’t know if I’ll ever get to go back. After I left, we sort of talked about how things might work moving forward. When could we visit? How did our schedules line up? Where did we stand? What did we even want?..And at this point, I kind of wish I had said/done some things differently. I was pretty clear and upfront with you that I was still dealing with some shit and even though I like you a lot I wasn’t ready to move forward too much or to take things too quickly. Part of me wishes I would’ve approached things differently, because now I’m in a different place and in all honesty the idea that I could’ve had a chance to be with you but missed it and now I might not have that chance even if I want it scares me. The thing is though…I think that time was important. I think it was important for me to be as honest with myself and with you as I was. The thing is J that I very honestly and truly like you and care about you and if we were ever actually going to be together I wanted it to be right. If we were going to do that, I wanted us to really have that chance. And at that time, no matter how much I could care about you or like you or anything, I wasn’t in a place to be making any sort of serious commitment. Relationships are already work, and long distance even more so. Not to mention I still had some strong ties to my last relationship, and some things I needed to sort out in my personal life.

But you were so understanding. You’re really amazing, J. There has never been a moment when you haven’t been supportive of me. When I told you everything I did, you just said I could talk to you about anything, and to never hold anything back, and that I should take time to focus on what I needed to for myself, that you would support me with what I wanted, and that we didn’t have to rush anything we could just wait and let things happen and that you were willing to do that. And honestly those messages did, and still do, make me cry.

So…then I did. I took time to focus on myself, and you took time to focus on yourself. And really J you’re amazing, and have so much going for you. When I told you that you were inspirational I really did mean it. You have done what you wanted and needed to do for you and I really admire you for that. Regardless of anyone’s doubts, and I’m sure you’ve even had plenty of your own, you have stayed true to you. I think that’s really beautiful, and one of the best things about you. It’s one of the reasons that I will maintain that you’re a better person than me – you’re so honest. With others, but that’s not really what I’m talking about. Just with you. With who you are and what you want and just in living your life. It’s really admirable, and something I’m working on with myself too. And you have a lot going on. Between working your “regular,” job, getting ready to move, maintaining a social life, trying to experience new things, and working on your business…you’re busy. And I’ve been busy too. I have a demanding job and am so close to finishing my BA, still want to get accepted to an MA program, and will have to move pretty soon as well…

So we didn’t see each other for a few weeks, and we didn’t talk as much. Whatever happened in this time, something shifted a little. And then I got that text about “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, I really like you, but I’m too busy to worry about long distance, and I don’t want to lose our friendship.” Honestly, up until the exact moment I read that text, I didn’t realize how much I had been…essentially relying on the fact that we would be together in the future. That maybe not today, but in a month or two, we would figure some shit out and actually be together. I know you weren’t like breaking up with me and I had been the one to put boundaries in place initially…I didn’t expect to be so sad.

I was nervous to see you, when I came up the night before you left for Paradiso. It was the first time I would see you since things changed. Maybe it was just me, but I feel like it was definitely a little awkward. I was happy to see you but that was conflicted with being sort of sad because things were different this time and also things being hectic because there were so many other people there and I didn’t really know any of them either and I don’t know just overall I felt like it was a little awkward. At least at first. But…then we went to get food. The boys went in one car and went to Haggen’s and the girls went in another care and went to Jack in the Box. While we were in the car, Hailey said to me “J adores you.” I asked her some questions but she wouldn’t say anything more than that because of “bro code” hahah. So I just told her that I adored you too, but I didn’t know what was going to happen. Then we went back to your place and I felt a lot more comfortable and you fell asleep on the couch next to me and all I wanted to do was lay on your shoulder but I didn’t so I just went to sleep facing the opposite way and in the morning I hugged you goodbye and we haven’t really talked that much since…

After that, being sad made me mad. I was mad at myself, because what right did I have to be sad? Everything you said was fair, and valid, and some of the same stuff I had said to you even. I was missing you and I felt like I had no right to because you weren’t mine to miss. And how would it be fair of me to expect you to just keep liking me and waiting around on my terms while I was sorting myself out? How would that be the right things to do to someone I care about?

But I was sad and missed you anyways. I told my close friends, just like I told you earlier in this letter, that I was worried that I had missed a chance at something good. That I was worried I would have regret surrounding you and me and a relationship we maybe could’ve had. But then something happened…I sent you that text about me being appreciative of you always being supportive of me and you said “of course I really respect and love you as a person. I always have” and I said I respected and loved you too and my heart cried a little bit so I talked to my best friend Brooklyn about it and she said “I’m sorry, that must be hard” and I told her “yes and no. I mean he’s always been a good friend. The sad part if the feeling of missed opportunity?” and she told me “It’s not missed. Just postponed. If you guys still feel this way later maybe you can work it out.”

And something about that kind of hit me.

So I did what I needed to do. I was honest with myself about my feelings and what I needed, cried myself to sleep a few times, finished up my school term with an A and a B, petitioned (and won the right) to have special credits accepted so I could graduate this summer, found an MA program I liked, reached out to people to write letters of recommendation for me, picked up extra hours at work, registered for my last undergrad term, applied for graduation, went on some spontaneous day-cations, got a symbolic tattoo, reorganized my house, picked up everything I had left in Washington, gave T back anything he had left in Oregon, got every last tie between T and I settled, started looking for a new apartment, did a lot of reading and writing…

When you and I first moved from “just friends” to “something more,” regardless of how I felt or thought about you, I wasn’t ready to look at anything too seriously or to commit to much or to consider even the possibility that I could be in a relationship or fall in love with someone else. There were still a lot of things that I needed to figure out for myself, emotions that I needed to come to terms with, things that I needed to get done or at least get started…Until now, I have never been at a point in my life where I could be entirely self-sufficient. I think I needed to be more in that space before I could, or even should be, looking to someone else. But since I first told you, months ago, that “I feel bad that I like you but also still have shit to figure out” a lot has changed. I’m in a really different, healthier, and more stable place. And I’m sure that you could say that same: that a lot has changed since months ago when we first brought up the idea of the two of us having something more. And I don’t really know how you feel or what you think or where you stand.

But. For my sake. I’m going to put myself in a really scary and vulnerable position and be really honest with you J…I love you for your ability to dream and your drive to make those dreams reality and for the way that you look at me even when I’m not looking and there’s no one there to notice and for your passion to have new experiences and progress and for the way you talk about your mom and for always supporting me because you’re a good person and you care and for having been willing to let me focus on myself when I needed to and being understanding of what I was going through and honestly I could just keep going. When it comes down to it, I really care about you J and I really like you. As a person, for who you are. I’m in a very different place than I was the first time we had this kind of conversation. A better place. And I just have to let you know that…Maybe I did miss my chance. Maybe when we first crossed that line that was my opportunity and I fucked it up and now I’ll just have to live with that. But if you were in a place where you maybe wanted to see where things went again? I’m ready for that now. And if you decide you’re open to that, I think I would be really happy.

Irrelevant to any sorts of labels, just for who you are, I love you J. I don’t want this to make our friendship weird if it’s not something you at all want. I will be in your life whatever way you want me to be. Just…as scared as I am to be this open, I needed you to know everything that I just told you.

“Sometimes you have to stop being scared and just go for it. Either it’ll work or it won’t. That’s life.”

-Ana

#J #personal #writing #letter #my writing