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today i tried to be so positive but it just did not matter to either person.
‘sun’ ignored me almost completely and i can promise you in a few days we will stop talking all together. his disinterest in me is very apparent. i hate myself for being so vulnerable to him, it’s made me feel very embarrassed as a person and just not want to trust again at all. he told me such kind words, things i’d always wanted to fucking hear. and it’s so fucking stupid how i thought for a single moment that any of it could be genuine, even just an bit of it. and no matter how much i try to put interest out there, he just doesn’t have it. it’s best to let this die, i believe.
not that they ever approved of my interactions with him. they hated the few, unsatisfying moments we shared. it feels so unfair but who am i to argue? i don’t believe they and i can ever be sexual again. no matter what i do, it’s not enough. and yet.. they allowed him to eat them out. so fast, so fucking easily. all while i was at the store. it hurt so much to hear about but i have to grin and bear it. i have to just allow this. because i want them to be happy and sadly, i just cannot be the one to give them that. maybe if i had a dick it’d be different. it’d be somthing they could actually feel inside them. instead of just mush pressed to mush. my small clit.. it’s disgusting. even on hormones, it’s barely grown. it’s not impressive. i want to cut it off.
i crave skin to skin contact that’s actually fucking wanted. i want to be desired so fucking bad. to feel loved, to feel like i did okay for someone else, that i could make them feel good. why can’t i do anything.. why must i be so fucking.. lmfao
today they asked me ‘do you love yourself at all?’ and i just.. i don’t. i literally don’t. there is nothing. absolutely nothing to love. which is why i like.. fucking understand it you know? why no one wants this, why i don’t even want it. i can’t even feign the confidence.
the other weekend they punched me in the ear and again in the face. my ear has lost a lot of hearing in it but it’s nothing worth complaining about, i have just now blamed the changing seasons for my lack of hearing. i can’t let them feel bad, i stood in their way. it’s what i deserve.
‘that’s what you always say when you don’t deserve it’
except why didn’t you ask me more? why couldn’t you fucking just.. be there? you were the only person i could tell because everyone loves them and I WANT THAT. i want everyonet o love them. but i just want one person to myself.. selfishly, someone i can trust with this shit. and he just.. didn’t want me.
just like they don’t want me. just like no one does.
i want to die