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sorrowfulrosebud · 1 year

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The Lone Wolf (again…)

Wolf! Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

Contents: in which Wolf! Katsuki royally fucks up

Genre: extreme angst

CW: this is a very dark fanfic so I can’t really put the tws without spoiling the story. I’ll try my best anyway. TWS for blood, neglect, death and etc.

This is for @vampyrsm s collaboration! I’m sorry it took so long but it’s finally here! It can also be considered an alternative AU for my papa wolf series and can be read as a stand-alone piece.

“I’m leaving you”.

These were the words that made you stop scrubbing the dishes in the basin as the muscular frame of your mate stood unbreakably behind you. Your brows furrowed at the proclamation, wondering where the hell it had come from.

You had had a slight idea that he was unhappy, being more growly and quick to trigger than usual, but you had just assumed that he was nearing his rut again. Determined to see what he had to say, you stood your ground and remained facing the stone basin. The slight trembling in your hand informed Bakugou that you had indeed heard what he had sprung on you and took your silence as a means of continuing his speech.

“I’m getting soft and weak, for god’s sake. I’m a wolf, not some sort of damn domesticated house pet that you can play with whenever you feel like it. I can feel it that staying here is making me lose my edge, and what kind of wolf would stay with some sort of weak little human like you, huh? The very idea would have you slaughtered in my pack for acting like a domesticated pet,” Bakugou spat. The way he borderline snarled the word made it seem like it was some sort of dirty slur.

But I suppose, when you are forcefully ripped from one lifestyle and thrown into another, you’re bound to feel shaken up. That’s the strange thing though. The last year and a half of your life after meeting him was the best time of your life, and judging from the endless belly rubs, walks in the woods and helping him through his ruts, you were certain he had the same feelings for you as you did him.

==================================

The way you had met was less than conventional; when checking your rabbit traps and snares in the forest, you had found Bakugou muzzled, naked and chained by a collar to one of the thickest trees with a huge gaping wound slicing his Achille’s tendon to prevent him from running away. (Not that he could have to begin with. You figured that it was to add insult to quite literal injuries).

As a twig snapped under your hunting boots, the thrashing of the chain ceased as carmine eyes pored into yours. You were mesmerised by how a well-sculpted man could seem so animalistic until you were able properly see the well hidden ash blonde ears tucked in with the rest of his hair and with a quick swish, you were also notified of a fluffy tail being raised on alert. A sharp snarl pierced the air as Bakugou tried lunging at you, secretly dying internally from the horrible humiliation of someone from the species he’s mortal enemies with seeing him in such a disgusting manner.

In Bakugou’s pack (as he explained to you), being even remotely associated with humans would mean that you were the lowest of the low; a domesticated dog who would do cheap tricks for their master. Bakugou had been found sneaking off to the local human village to observe how humans function as a society, to study what they eat, how they take care of their young and how they farm crops. The leaders of the pack (his parents) decided that the punishment should fit the crime:

First, the traitor would be stripped naked as a symbol of stripping their morals for the enemy

Next, the heels would be sliced open to prevent any further disloyalty to the traitor’s new master by running away after the disloyalty for the pack was displayed

Then the traitor would be muzzled since it is a reflection of the biggest rule in the pack: NEVER SPEAK TO A HUMAN

The most humiliating thing was next. The traitor would be collared and leashed to a tree in hunter territory since acting like a pet means that you get treated like a pet, much like a dog being chained to a kennel. If the traitor loves humans so much, they can see how much they enjoy being skinned for their fur and having their teeth torn out for jewellery.

Eager to help the handsome stranger that you found, you raised your arms in peace and ambled slowly in front of him. You were EXTREMELY aware of his claws so you sat a good three feet away. Bakugou couldn’t deny that he was intrigued by your actions; he was still highly on guard but most hunters would have raced away for a spear or bow and arrow to put him out of his misery. With a small smile, you had introduced yourself to him to try to establish some sort of relationship, only to be met with an annoyed growl and chuff of his breath. In an instant you totally remembered that he was naked and rootled through your bag for a spare pair of hunting trousers that you carried. Your soft hands held them out to Bakugou to see if he wanted them instead of sitting there with his whole body on show.

Bakugou made no move to grab them from you, thinking that you had doused them in chloroform or some other drug that would seduce him to sleep. Instead, he just glared at you with intense eyes. The yanking on the chain had stopped completely as he studied you ferociously.

“Go on, you can take them! I can’t guarantee that they’ll fit you but I’m sure it’s better than sitting out here naked and covered in your own blood,” you offered with a gentle smile. Katsuki glowered at you as you set them down for him and turned your back so he could change himself.

Internally, Katsuki was in two minds; accept the clothes and kill you at any point in time if you threatened him, or sit here bound and helpless for god knows how long…

Katsuki growled as the fabric temporarily dug into his bleeding heels. He eventually managed to shimmy them up his legs, toned calves strained against the fabric due to their size.

“Are you done? Can I turn around right now?” You asked him politely. Katsuki let out an annoyed growl at your question, but you took it as a yes. You turned back around, borderline chuckling at the size of your trousers on Katsuki’s lower half before immediately being shut up with an angered glare.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Now you’re going to have to stay still whilst I-” you fumbled in your pocket for a knife, the silver blade glinting in the sun.

You only just managed to avoid the swiping of claws against your skin as Katsuki lunged for you, hackles raised and sandy ears pulled taunt against his head. Your fingertips pressed against the wound and you audibly winced at the amount of blood; even though he nicked you, there was still 4 big slits in the side of your tunic.

“Fuck, shit that hurts! What the actual fucking hell, asshole?!” You yelled at him, “I was going to unlock the muzzle around your mouth!”

Katsuki still growls, but his ears go back to normal. His entire body feels so… sluggish.

“Woah, hey are you okay?” Your face donned a worried look as the adrenaline of his night finally floated away from him and he slumped unceremoniously at your legs.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The pops and crackling of the toasty fire surrounded Katsuki’s senses as he finally started the descent out of sleep. He had no fucking clue where he was; there were certainly no soft couches back in his cave, nor were there little carved woodworks of various woodland creatures.

A soft humming could be heard from what Katsuki would assume to have been the kitchen. You entered Katsuki’s eyesight with a carefully balanced tray of stew (lamb by the small of it), and placed it carefully on the oak coffee table next to your plush couch. Katsuki shot up from the couch, snarl in his throat, ears all the way back and hackles raised as you raised your hands once again.

“Hey, relax, please! I’m not going to do anything, I swear! I just wanted to make sure you’re alright. You passed out on me in the woods, so I took you back to my house to clean your wounds and feed you,” you lowered your hands to your waist and looked at Katsuki for his reaction. His ears slowly went back to their original position, the glint from his fangs could still be seen. His breathing was harsh, toned pecs heaving in his fear rage.

He slowly reached for the bowl of stew before sniffing it.

Well, it doesn’t smell poisoned. He thought. Might as well eat some, I’m fucking starving.

He tucked in with hesitation, but as soon as the first bite of juicy lamb hit his tongue, the bowl was next to empty. You stood dazed at how fast he consumed the bowl before offering your hand out to him. Katsuki immediately shrank back on the couch.

“Woah, I just wanted to know if you wanted seconds? You’re obviously hungry and there’s plenty more in the pot if you want some,” you spoke gently to him, almost like he was a pup, or a wild animal. Katsuki clearly thought for a second before shoving the bowl in your chest with an annoyed huff. You smiled at him widely before trotting back into the kitchen.

It suddenly dawned on him that he didn’t have any extra heaviness from that damned collar on his neck, and upon further inspection, you actually had stitched up the gaping wounds on his ankles. He still wore the trousers you had gifted him, so he was at least quietly grateful that you granted him privacy.

Well. This is going to be one hell of a summer.

=================================

“Katsuki, what the hell do you mean? You’re leaving?? When did you decide this?!” You turned around to face him properly and were instantly met with an annoyed expression.

“It doesn’t matter when I decided it, I’m fucking leaving and there’s nothing you can do about it!” He snarled at you. Deep inside, he loved you more than anything he could ever think of. He wanted to be your mate for his entire life, to wake up with you every morning and maybe if you would let him, indulge in his fantasy of having a few pups of your own. Alas, he had heard rumours around the village about a group of werewolves terrorising the local village’s cattle and he desperately wanted to see his old pack again.

“But Katsuki, please think about it! Where would you go?! You know that if your old pack were to see you again, they are more likely inclined to kill you!” You shouted at him, face crumpled up in tears.

“No they fucking wouldn’t, my pack respected and adored me! I just put my own personal interests before the safety of my pack, and that got me landed here in this shitty fucking cabin with you. A filthy human who would probably sell me to a hunter the minute I started acting like a true wolf,” he snapped back, his eyes dilating to pin pricks in his anger. Your own eyes glared back at him with tears delicately lacing your lash line.

“They. Fucking. Left. You. For. Dead. You went against your pack, and your PARENTS of all fucking people decided that they would slice their own fucking SON and LEAVE HIM FOR DEAD! I have done nothing but take care of you, through each of your ruts, each full moon, I EVEN FUCKING NURSED YOU BACK TO HEALTH.

DAY AND FUCKING NIGHT, I WAS AT YOUR SIDE HELPING YOU TO WALK AGAIN! EVERY INJURY YOU EVER HAD, I WAS THERE TO CLEAN UP AND KISS. SO DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING DARE SAY THAT I’M JUST SOME STUPID FUCKING HUMAN WHEN I WAS MORE OF A PACK TO YOU THAN YOUR OWN FAMILY!” The words were spewing like venom at this point, you couldn’t fucking breath and the tears were pouring down your face thick and fast. In an instant, Katsuki had a death grip on your wrist, carmine eyes reduced to slits and his ears were flat against his head.

“Don’t. You. Ever. Disrespect my fucking pack again. Y’know, my pack was right. Humans do nothing but brainwash you into domestic shit. This was a mistake from the start,” he spat maliciously. His claws were digging deep into your wrist, making your face screw up in pain.

“K-Katsuki, let go! You’re hurting me!” You sobbed as you tried to pry him off. It wasn’t until the smell of blood hit his nose that Katsuki realised that he had actually hurt you. With a cry of pain, you clutched your bleeding wrist to your chest. The red stained your shirt a violent colour.

Katsuki could feel his rage ebb away and was slowly being replaced by worry.

“Woah, hey are you ok-“ he tries before you flinch away from him, hitting your back against the sink behind you in an attempt to get away. Your whimpers physically hurt him in ways he never knew existed.

“Hey, don’t push me away! I’m trying to see-“ he tries again before you finally turn to him and his heart breaks further at your teary face.

This was such a stupid fucking thought, he was so fucking stupid, why the hell would he leave you for his old pack?! Katsuki finally reflected on your words before his blood felt like ice. Why would he say such awful things to you to try to prove to an old pack who left him for dead?!

“Baby, please, I want to help,” he borderline whimpers, ears twitching dolefully. Your face screwed up in anger before you stood at your full height.

“You want to leave you fucking bastard, then leave. I’m not going to fucking stop you. I hope your pack was fucking worth the one person who stuck with you these last few years. Now, get the fuck out of my house.” You snarled lowly, eyebrows furrowed in pain. Katsuki reached out for you with a trembling hand before you started borderline shrieking.

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I CALL THE DAMNED HUNTERS TO SKIN YOU ALIVE!”

Katsuki had never felt so low in his entire life. You started swaying in your rage, trying to shoo him away. He let out a whimper as he looked at you one last time before fleeing out of the house, your screams of pain and fear ringing in his head.

==================================

1 year later…

Katsuki was miserable. Utterly, and purely miserable. He had found his old pack, and for a moment that had hope flutter through his stomach. Until of course, as you predicted, they tried to kill him for his betrayal (and the fact that he still stank of human).

Slurs of “pet” could be heard through the snarls as Katsuki had narrowly avoided claws and fangs, before tumbling down a hill and running for his life. It was against his morals to do so but he couldn’t face losing another family.

For the past year, Katsuki had tried making his own way of life; finding a small cave further into the mountain range near your cabin and stealing from the local village for meats and blankets. He made his own new home, but it didn’t feel the same without you whatsoever.

He missed you. He missed your sleepy smiles, he missed your stupid little jokes, he missed kissing you awake on Sunday mornings, he missed… you. Every night, his hands loosen the thick red collar you had given him as a joke and thumbed it carefully. Trembling hands caress the leather as small tear stains plop onto it and whimpers reverberate around his cave. It may have started as a joke, but he never took it off even after you threw him out, only to lament painfully on his regret. Most nights he substituted your soft body for his tail, clinging on to it until it hurt.

He hadn’t seen you for a year. 365 days without your cuddles, belly rubs, gentle kisses and warm smiles. Katsuki could feel himself going mad, so he made a decision.

He was going to apologise.

==================================

Katsuki checked his appearance in a puddle that had accumulated in his cave; his hair was somewhat kept better, his ears and tail were freshly groomed and he held a large bouquet of wild flowers he found in a field.

Katsuki let out a shaky breath before hardening his face.

“I just have to show her how much she really means to me. I can’t- I can’t be without her.”

And so he began the trek to your cabin.

==================================

He began to walk at dusk; it gave him a cloak of protection from hunters, plus you would be really surprised. It only took him about half an hour to find your cabin tucked snugly in the back of the woods. But the sight before him made his blood feel like ice.

The door was absolutely shredded. Large claw marks had sliced the door to oblivion, as well as the surrounding walls. Even though it was almost as thick as the trees that the wood came from, it was nearly folded in half and torn off its hinges.

Bile raised in his throat. As did his hackles.

“(Y/N?)” he tried anxiously.

No answer. However, he detected a new smell.

Blood.

He crept behind the door, immediately on high alert. Whatever did this was not fucking human.

His heart lurched dramatically at the state of your home; all of your belongings were either torn to shreds or thrown across your floors. Carpets were torn up, pillows shredded, curtains torn from their windows.

“(Y/N)! I’m not fucking joking, if you’re there then say something!” He yelled through the house. Fluffy ears twitched intensely, desperate to hear some call of validation. He was frightened absolutely shitless. The only other time he had felt so afraid was the day he lost you.

Creak…

Katsuki pinpointed the noise to upstairs. All survival instincts flew out of the window as he bolted up the stairs, only thing on his mind was to ensure your safety. He nearly fell down a few steps before reaching what was your shared bedroom.

The bile actually came out.

Your bedroom door was identical to the one downstairs; torn to shreds and laid in pieces on the ground. The soft blankets that laid on your bed had gigantic claw marks slicing through them, all the way down to your thick mattress.

Again, your curtains were brutally ripped off the window. The window itself had been smashed, shiny fragments glittering across the entirety of the room. Katsuki stepped lightly on the floor, the smell of blood poisoning his sensitive nostrils.

It was the strongest in your bedroom and-

“Oh my fucking god, no.”

Strewn like a rag doll, mangled on the floor in an inhumane position was

you.

The exact same slices on your door were buried deep into your stomach and neck. Thick, red torrents of blood seeped from your body and deep into the wooden floor. Your eyes had completely glazed over, staring back at him with gray.

Tears had crept down your face in your last few moments; Katsuki could smell the salt on your face.

“B-baby? Oh my fucking god, please no!” He screamed brokenly into your corpse. His tears dampened the dress you were wearing (the same one you wore when he tore your heart from its chest). All Katsuki could do was scream in pure, unfiltered pain at the loss of his love.

Memories of you both flittered through Katsuki’s mind. Mornings where the sunlight trickled into your bedroom as he studied your face sleepily. Memories of the sweet and shy kisses, of lazy summer days, of comfort from agonising nightmares all cursed Katsuki as he mourned your death.

He truly had nothing now. No family. No friends. No you.

So, Katsuki did the only thing his paralysed mind could think of; the same claws that scarred your wrist brought hell down on his neck, his claws shredding his gullet within seconds.

Katsuki coughed, once, twice before the metallic tang of blood seeped into his mouth and seeped down his face in buckets. Not that he could see before due to the tears in his eyes, but the quickening of the blood down his body reduced his vision greatly, black spots already swimming in and out of his peripheral.

He only managed to sink down beside you, wanting his last dying moments to be beside the very person that made him happy. The very person who changed his life. The very person who’s life he had ruined.

Through the tears, Katsuki nestled his head close to you, tears dripping on to your wounds as he found it increasingly difficult to breath. He gasped unconsciously for breath as he tried to grip on to you, feeling scared of his descent into death. As long as you were there, he would follow you and plead for forgiveness.

He started to feel content.

‘I- I’m so sorry. I’m coming,’ he thought. His face rested on your shoulder as his body started to shut down completely.

But it wasn’t until his final breath did his eyes shoot open one last time at the sound of the four small whimpers across the room.

“D-daddy?”

#bnha x reader #bakugou x reader #bakugou #hybrid bnha #wolf bakugou x reader #bakugou angst #wolf Bakugou #Wolf Bakugou angst #hoo boy this took months #hybrid bnha x reader #papa wolf katsuki #major tw #bnha x reader angst #MHA x reader angst

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proudproship · 2 months

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Dude, I'm gonna just come out and say it, why is it ALWAYS the hardcore antis who condone literal imprisonment, torture, and death upon proshippers that are ALWAYS either they themself a dark-fiction consumer...or an actual pedophile/necrophile/zoophile/etc???

Like dude, I've been friends with a few antis over the years, and I had this one dude screaming I liked kids because I joked, JOKED MIND YOU, that I'd make my VTuber avatar a loli to get extra money... In the same exact argument he revealed that he jerks off to photos of CONCENTRATION CAMP VICTIMS????? (He still insisted that was better than lolicon tho because "Well the photos I like are all adults"??? Those are literal real-life corpses of torture victims, dude)

Like bro... sorry but I've never met people with more depraved and disgusting fantasies than these fandom-cops that want you in jail for liking Len x Rin Vocaloid art 💀

I normally wait to answer inbox submissions but HOLY SHIT????

I mean I have a really heavy suspicion that all hardcore antis' kink is to tell kids to off themselves

And I believe that because when I was an anti, I was in a discord server and one of these dudes (he was a 27 YEAR OLD ADULT BTW) threatened a young teen in the server that if she didn't stop shipping "a proship" then he'd come to her house and... I'm not even gonna repeat what he said, but he said something that actually did get him a visit from the police-

Oh and "the proship" this girl shipped? Bubbline. A canon lesbian relationship between two consenting fictional humanoid adult women.

And honestly being subjected to those types of threats is what made me make this blog. I don't want anymore kids to be subject to serious abuse just because "oh no, fiction!!!!"

We all should know at this point that antis really don't know the difference between fiction and reality, and that's why they think it's okay to jerk off to literally illegal or morally despicable things, but they get so offended by lines on paper...

#MAJOR TW #this shits crazy man #tw #tw implied assault #proship #anti anti #anti harassment #profic #comship #proship safe #profiction #tw antiship #Opening Inbox

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the-overgrown-states · 11 days

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WTTT Headcanons but they Get Increasingly Worse/Dark

If you are uncomfortable with neg of WTTT, please just scroll

This is how we (alters) are coping with source trauma

If you want dark headcanons, you’re allowed to submit asks - if you have limits, include those

This will contain talks of harming self, others, cheating, drugs, death, religious trauma, familial trauma, etc

READ WITH CAUTION

Texas gets into physical fights constantly

He genuinely believes being gay is a sin

He thinks he will burn in hell, and desperately is trying to repent

This is his main reason he hates California

Has hit California and other LGBTQ people before unprovoked

He’ll have episodes where he has to be physically restrained from other states because if he sees you do something wrong, he will lash out

Alaska has major self esteem issues

He was quite literally sold off to another country because he was seen as useless

His land is constantly disrespected and so are his people

Same with Hawai’i, but she gets hostile

Has fought people before because of how many people from their states are being bad tourists

Georgia disowned Florida for being gay

He felt it was to painful for his little brother to willingly go to hell

Florida was a child during the civil war

He actively participated in the war

Was severely injured most

Each confederate state got branded with “TRAITOR” on their back

Gov made everyone else watch

as “An Example”

The states all used to be human

Became states by dying

Everyone except California died by accident/natural causes

California commited suicide

California and Nevada get together to take drugs, gamble, etc constantly

They’d both be dead if states could die

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notdelusionalatall · 1 month

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‼️TW: Suicidal ideations‼️

#tw suicide #suicide #i am suicidal #i think i am suicidal #tw #tw suicidal ideations #personal #vent #tw vent #tw personal #major tw #suicide prevention #this is a cry for help #tw self destruction #help me #i need help #i need psychiatric help

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yum-zlurplie · 15 days

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tw: mention of nsfw of a underage character (gnarpy)

guys whats with all the gregnant gnarpy art on deviantart...

#not main or character tagging bc i dont want yall to see that #tw pregnancy #tw #major tw #just incase

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angelic-fertility-potion-au · 21 days

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Angel, I feel like you of all people should understand what it's like to feel like you're not deserving of happiness. I understand that you've experienced similar trauma, but everyone responds to trauma differently. Try to be patient with both yourself and him, and try to talk openly without pointing blame.

Angel Dust: I know I shouldn’t have yelled like that. And he did have it rough.

Trigger Warning 👇

Angel Dust: Val did have him ass*ulted to make Husk go into premature labor and the shot him a few times (his leg and side).

#major tw #ask angel dust #fanfic related #fanfiction #spoilers ahead #angel dust and husk #angel dust #angelic fertility potion au #husk #tw: past assault #tw: past injury

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ilikecheeseandchocolatee · 3 months

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Vent time. Don’t read if not in the right mental space. Make note of the tags before reading the post.

It’s too much whatever is going on in the world there’s too much to keep up with too put up with to speak up about it’s all getting overwhelming now. Why can’t I live in a world where I’m not constantly on the spot for not talking about x or y or just. I want to sit down and breathe and watch maybe 7 different TV shows and not have another care in the world. But most of all I HATE seeing everyone treating everything as either black or white. I get it and i get that it’s human nature to do that and it requires some advanced psychology shenanigans to be able to fully see things as different shades of grey or even other colours but I’m so. Tired. Of it. It’s always “x company is doing y bad thing or letting z bad thing take place and boycotting will make a difference” and “x government is carrying out genocide on y group of people we need to protest because human lives are at stake” and it’s all valid but I’m so tired of living in a world with this stuff. On top of all personal struggles we’re expected to handle the weight of the entire world’s bad decisions too. It shouldn’t be like this, i shouldn’t be sitting on my bed and going online to talk about the multitude of bad decisions in the world. I should be making art and writing songs and creating and being myself I shouldn’t have to do this all the time. There are things going wrong in the world most people will never hear about, there are things only certain communities are aware about and you a random internet user will never know about it and can never speak about it. There’s so many things like that. And then big things come along and feel like yeah this is it this is where the world is going wrong like no the world is already very fucking wrong right now this isn’t supposed to be the kind of life a person lives in an advanced civilisation, made of creatures that are capable of communication but simply don’t do it properly. I’m just one kid. I’m just one kid trying to not fucking kill myself every single second and i shouldn’t have to worry about what government I should be supporting because the only choice I have now is the lesser of multiple evils. It shouldn’t be like this. Why can’t we as humans just be better.

It makes me feel so scared of myself all over again because that villainy mindset where people are like “we should just rebuild the world from scratch” sounds more appealing to me than trying to fix the current mess. Maybe exterminate every single human being and suddenly there won’t be any problems we need to solve. Mother Nature will take over and save what little is left. That’s the sort of thinking I did all the time when my depression was really bad. Now I’m starting to think that way again. It might be because yesterday was the first panic attack I’ve had in months and it scared me shitless because i CANT go back to that, i can’t go back to living like that, not when I’ve been given a glimpse of what life is like for normal people, who don’t feel like killing themselves every time something exists. Antidepressants are both the best and worst thing that happened to me because now i know what I’m missing out on but i only get a few drops of it randomly and i don’t get to choose when and then when I have a panic attack i panic even MORE because I’m terrified of going back to the life where the only thing I could think about was death. The hellhole that so many people worked so hard to pull me out of, when I’m having an attack I feel the same way and it’s awful because at first that was all I’ve ever known but now I know that life doesn’t have to be like that and maybe i should live. Feeling like killing myself after feeling like maybe i should live is a horrible fucking feeling. The state of the world doesn’t help. There’s already too many expectations to live up to in my individual life I can’t be vocal about all the problems in the world because in my eyes for practically all my life the literal existence of humans has always been the main problem. Because if I didn’t exist I wouldn’t have any problems, so if no one existed no one would have problems. It makes so much sense to me right now and that’s terrifying because it’s exactly how I used to feel before. I can’t go back to that now i simply can’t. Not after experiencing a few drops of normalcy. I can’t do it. It’s so fucking hard right now to look at the world and all the shit people do and not grab a knife and slit myself somewhere anywhere. I always have a bad few days recovering from panic attacks but this time there’s just so much more, this time I’m on antidepressants and i know what it could be like. How do people handle this shit? How do people live life in this world and not utterly lose their minds and go insane? I certainly can’t do it. I’ve been doing it for so long and i can confirm that i can’t fucking do it. How are there normal people out there in a world that’s so fucked up.

Sometimes I wish I was ignorant of all problems. That i was maybe raised in a conservative republican American household where my only problems are not being able to find a boyfriend and people at school who do unholy things like kiss the same gender or that shit. Those would be my problems and life would be more peaceful and not so torturous. Where I can be mad at people for existing and not feel guilty about it. Where i can tell people to kill themselves without knowing that that’s a horrible thing to wish upon anyone. Being ignorant and blissful. I want that so much but i wouldn’t be able to live with myself even then because i AM queer and some day even as a conservative I’d figure that out and hate my life all over again. It just never ends this vicious cycle of hating any existence you have, never being happy. I just want to live and be happy, and if I don’t get that i want to die. I’m not allowed either of those options I’m just here I’m just having to look at the world around me and see all the various problematic people and problematic decisions and viewpoints and opinions and mindsets and i just have to fucking pretend that it’s normal. It’s not normal it should be this way. And if this is normal maybe i don’t want it and maybe i don’t want life. It shouldn’t be this way. I can’t do this anymore. Everything hurts and I’m tired. I hate the chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me want to kill myself and kill everyone and I hate the fact that this is so normalised now like if someone tells you they’re depressed your only reaction is yeah mate me too, like. It’s NOT supposed to be thsisbway. Chemically fucked up brain shouldn’t be the default state of the brain. Why are people like this. Why are people killing each other. Why can’t we just learn to live with each other. Why do we have to fight over imaginary lines separating different areas with imaginary names and call each other abnormal for having a different skin colour or a different choice in mates or a different fucking hairstyle like why can’t we just be like all the other animals, just primal instincts and protect your own and that shit. Maybe there would be less sadness in this world and maybe there would be less suicide. Maybe i wouldn’t be feeling like this and maybe i wouldn’t be confined to a room for days just because i had a stupid panic attack with a stupid trigger that doesn’t even make sense and just for the sake of keeping the people around me safe from me I have to stay in one place and it’s just not fair. It shouldn’t be like this. I should get to be normal and have a normal life. I shouldn’t be in a world where access to the internet is the norm and you’re supposed to know what government is good or bad or like companies and shit and i shouldn’t have to have opinions that are always scrutinised. I’m bullied for having the wrong opinion and when I have the right opinion I’m bullied by the others. I can never please anyone and least of all myself so why am i even trying at this point. Just because some people I’ve never met are telling me it’s gonna be okay one day and i won’t regret choosing to live and not die. Some day that “one day” will come and it will have been worth it? It will never be worth it. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and i wouldn’t want anyone to go through this sort of pain only for it to be “worth it” in the future some day. It’s never worth it. Living like this is never worth it. We shouldn’t even be alive if this is what I have to do to be normal. I hate everything. I hate the world around me and i hate being part of it. I hate having so many expectations to meet and i hate having so many people to please. I hate having to stand up for people I’ve never met because a group of people insist on genocide. I hate this and i hate it so so much. I have more willpower than everyone in my family combined because it’s honestly a miracle that i can even hold myself back from killing myself given the way I constantly feel.

But I hate having panic attacks that take literal days from me, that disable me from going to places I want to go to and doing things I want to do. I hate the chemicals in my brain deciding to make my life as much of a shitshow as it can get because clearly everything that’s already happened isn’t enough.

Honestly if you made it this far please tell me you’re proud of me for not giving in to the urges and killing myself. After so long of feeling neutral it’s so hard to go back to feeling like this and still having some ounce of control over myself. Please be proud of me because i need other people to hold my hand and tell me that I’m doing the right thing. Not killing muself is the right thing and i just have to believe in that long enough for it to become true. I surprise myself with how well I’ve handled myself ever since I found out that I’m not crazy I’m just mentally ill. Maybe i should sleep.

#tw vent #tw rant #tw HUGE rant #tw depression #tw suicide #tw suicide ideation #tw mental illness #tw self harm #tw controversial topics #controversial opinions #tw genocide #tw homicide #tw just really bad vibes in general #major tw

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mean-hare · 1 month

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i was at psych ward few times. and i want to say something.

first of all. obviously its nothing like in movies. youll not run away with cool girls or have a secret party in basement. you have no idea how boring it is. youll tired of reading, youll tired of painting, every hobby becomes boring. and you usually dont allowed to have a phone. and sometimes you arent allowed to have some random things. for example they took away my cheap clock. why? because fuck you thats why.

no privacy. at all. no room to be safe. to be alone. if you sitting in wc you will have unexpected visitors bc theres no lock on the door. same with shower. if you considered too weak (like from lack of nutrition) they will strip you down and put a diaper on you. you ll not be allowed to go to wc by yourself bc "you are too weak, what if you fall"etc.

idc how ppl made friends in psych wards. the last time i was there, there were mostly old women who thought that im simulant. some ppl were a little better, thats all. ah and you can never have a single room and youll probably live in a tiny room with some old boars who will snore so loudly that even sleeping pills wont help.

and if you are there against your will bc of ana. ma advice: eat. i know what you think, i know. but really try to. behave as if you are good, as if you try to get better. try to look as if ed is the only issue you have. try to look positive, if youre good at lying, lie. its not a movie. your screaming and treatment refusing doesnt look romantic, nobody actually gives a fuck and you ll just be another "mad" and will be forced brutally(actually screaming is the worst thing you can do in a psych ward). so try to eat. you will not be allowed to lose weight. you can be easily caught on throwing up or exercizing and ppl from your room may willingly report on you. so just eat, gain that fucking weight so youre appear recovering and soon you ll be free. and then you can lose again or try to actual recover or anything. but everything is better than stay there.

#ed blr #disorder eating #disorder #ed talk #boy ed #eating disoder things #anorexik #anamia #ed disorder #ed story #fuck psych wards #major tw

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jesterboyz · 1 year

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commission for @icyheart-and-friends !!!!! (> < )/

#our art #major cw #major tw #amputation #open wounds #bruises

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typicalopposite · 1 year

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Well hi there. I come to you with a gift. A gift to me from the lovely @scripted-downfall. A gift to you as well.

A gift that may not feel like much of a gift at all but I promise it will be so worth it in the end.

So I came up with a prompt for a fix it; one that doesn’t feel like a fix it at first because it goes wrong in ways far worse than the original ending. I then brought it to the angst queen herself and placed it lovingly at her feet and asked her to write it for me.

She said no.

So I begged and I cried and I pleaded and eventually she caved.

It’s beautifully tragic and gut wrenching and exactly what I wanted! Y’all are going to be blown away! And I promise (mainly because I know her and how delicately she handles these characters as she writes them) she is going to do the same with chapter two!

So without further ado. Please, please please please go check out Wait For Me (I’m Coming)

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sorrowfulrosebud · 2 years

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Rosebud’s Horrorfest:

Day one: rot in hell

Theme: ghosts

Content: in which Katsuki has to deal with the consequences of his actions after he kills you in an escape attempt.

This shit is really intense, like EXTREME body horror, mentions of abuse, ghosts, reader dies, if you’re sensitive to this kind of stuff then please don’t read.

Nothing felt real to Katsuki. Not anymore. He never intended for it to go so far.

It all started the day he decided to snatch you away from the rest of the world, in his grasp for his own pleasure. His pleasure, your torture. Katsuki was a jarring captor to live with; one minute he was splitting your precious skin apart with bruised knuckles, the next he was applying expensive lotions and soft bandages to your wounds “accidents” as he lovingly called them.

He didn’t start hitting you until after your first escape attempt, the sheer audacity slamming Katsuki in the gut as he slammed his own fist against your trembling soul. He was absolutely petrified of you, so much that it made him scream and claw at his body. He was petrified at the power you held over him with so little knowledge, how if you even implied to him that you wanted him to die, he would more than willingly lay down on a bed of serrated glass and drag his stomach against hot coals if you would kiss his soft cheek and smile at him.

He hated feeling so weak against someone who he would set the world ablaze for because he knew that he royally fucked up any chances left of normalcy with you. Katsuki drugged you and chained you up in his woodland mansion, forcing himself to listen to your screams and sobs to let you go, how he was a bastard for betraying you like this. Could he go back in time, he would smack the shit out of his younger self who acted out of impulse when drugging you. He would reconnect with you properly instead of stalking your every move and maybe ask for a coffee.

Never would he anticipate standing over your corpse.

==================================

Katsuki stood panting above your body, sweat beading down his head as oxygen struggled to circulate in his chest. Eyes as red and hot as lava shrank to pinpricks, trained with a hero’s eye to check for trickery or deceit. Knowing what a shifty little minx you could be, Katsuki would be damned if he would let you pop back up to try to strangle him. Yet…

You weren’t breathing.

You didn’t even look human on one side of your face; Katsuki’s explosions completely desecrated the left side of your face, the thick and meaty smell of flesh mingling unpleasantly with the sugary undertones of Katsuki’s sweat. The explosion burned through all layers of skin leading to the inside of your mouth, your teeth being visible from your cheek and some even swimming in the small puddles of blood forming on the fleshy remains of your tongue.

An eyeball with his favourite colour pupil was nowhere to be seen from your left eye socket, the webs of nerves and tendons connecting the two severed abruptly. Thick, almost purple blood sludged it’s way down your face, neck and pooled unattractively around your weary body.

You had waited until he had gotten home from patrolling the streets of Japan, hiding behind the door before charging at him ferociously with a kitchen knife. Unfortunately, as a result of him keeping you chained up and beating the shit out of you for months at a time, you stupidly tripped over yourself, allowing Katsuki to grab you with his right arm, pull yours forward, snap it in half with his left elbow and throw his crackling palm against your face. He hadn’t realised it was you.

And yet now, he couldn’t see you clearer.

“B-baby? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh fuck!”, he screamed, vomit piling at the back of his throat. He only managed just in time to pull away from you before emptying the contents of his stomach in the corner of your room. The vomit never seemed to stop, leaving Katsuki a trembling mess. He twisted his head back to you and could feel a sob tear at his once hard heart. Knees that were designed to kill in his teenage years shuffled heavily to you, a tremoring hand moving the hair away from your face before attempting to cradle your corpse.

Soul-trembling screams of heartbreak were all Bakugou could manage as he clung to you tightly, glassy tears making a sizzle when they plopped on your burned face as Bakugou kissed you all over, for even in death and desecration were you still the most beautiful thing to him.

“P-please baby, I’m so fucking sorry, I, I can fix this! I know I can, all you have to do i-is wake up and we can go back to our normal life! I’ll cook you all of your favourite meals, we’ll go to that damned cat cafe, hell I’d even turn myself over to the police if that would get you to wake up!” He howled into your chest that was rapidly going cold.

You didn’t wake up.

Your physical body didn’t at least.

==================================

3 months had passed since Katsuki had brutally torn you away from earth, and it was safe to say that the bastard was absolutely miserable. Glass bottles of vodka piled up around his couch since he couldn’t even go in his room without going into a panic attack. He didn’t bother going to work anymore, instead letting the calls gather and collect dust in his inbox. Katsuki knew he was in a haze, and yet couldn’t look past himself to change it. He wanted a future where you two would be together forever, a happy family, and yet he sold himself out before you would even kiss him without fear of being asphyxiated.

Katsuki would instead would drag himself around the bottom half of the house aimlessly, carmine eyes that once seared villains now never ceasing the heavy trickle of tears. He was distraught and alone.

At least he thought.

==================================

Katsuki slowly ambled his way into the kitchen, snot threatening to drip down his porcelain mouth as he sniffed unceremoniously. He was running low on vodka, and he would rather take an explosion to the face than live in the house soberly.

A loud thud pulled him from his grief. It wasn’t necessarily loud, just enough to get him to focus on the gargantuan cellar door that he used to house you in during the first few weeks of your captivity. Katsuki didn’t dare touch anything after you were brutally slaughtered passed, not wanting to taint any of your memory. The thud persisted, eliminating Katsuki’s initial thoughts of alcohol-induced phsycosis. It was low, heavy and lingered for a few seconds. Katsuki tried counting the seconds between each knock. 3 seconds per knock.

“Katsuki! Please let me out!”

His ears perked at the voice as his hands began to shake. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. His mind raced, mouth felt like it was filled with cotton. Almost robotically, Katsuki knelt on the floor and set to work removing the deadbolts. Dust caked his fingers as he grasped the familiar cold handle of the cellar door, heaving slightly as he yanked it up.

Musty air engulfed Katsuki’s senses as he lifted his hand to cover his mouth. You could tell he hadn’t used the cellar for ages, sometimes throwing you down here as a punishment but he always caved after day 2. Katsuki hauled himself to his feet as he descended the stairs. The stone steps reverberated Katsuki’s movements with a dull thud as he kept his ears pricked in high alert.

Sure enough, soft whimpers came from the huge antique wardrobe that his mother had gifted him. Another cruel hiding place he would stash you in when you misbehaved. The feeling of cotton stuffing his mouth returned as he robotically trudged his way forward. He was petrified; fear oozing thickly through his veins and creating a sharp pain in his chest. A whimper creeped its way out as he grasped the handle and flung open the door.

The wardrobe stank purely of piss and shit, but huddled in the corner, trembling and sobbing was…

You.

Sweet, dead, you. Well. Katsuki had nothing to prove your health otherwise apart from the crown of your head that shielded your face as it sobbed noisily into your tattered pyjama shirt. Katsuki rubbed his eyes hurriedly, trying to tear away the last of his drunkenness and force himself into sobriety. Sure enough, you remained there, except with a few differences. The healthy glow of your skin melted away as it turned a deep cyan colour. Black veins more prominent on the spindly fingers that he loved to hold so much, and the sobs sounded raw and gutteral, almost as if someone stuffed leaved and cotton down your throat.

“Why would you do this to me Katsuki?” You wailed, head not moving at all. Katsuki’s eyes pricked with tears yet again as he collapsed to his feet in front of you, pressing his chest uncomfortably into an apologetic bow.

“I-I’m so sorry baby, please, I- I didn’t mean to!” He sobbed back, near enough kissing the floor under you.

“But you did. And now look at me! LOOK AT ME YOU BASTARD! LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” You shrieked at him. Katsuki’s body trembled ferociously at your screams, shaking his head just as harsh when he could smell the smoke that killed you in the first place.

“LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!”

“No, baby please! I know what I did was wrong, please stop punishing me like this!” He cried, head still pressed into the floor.

“LOOK AT ME! LOOK! LOOK AT ME!” Your screams were persistent, increasing in pitch and volume as Katsuki tried merging his body with the stone floor below.

“I’M SORRY, PLEASE STOP!” He begged, tears, snot and sweat dripping down his body. And then.. it was quiet.

Katsuki opened his eyes as all of the screaming stopped. Panting loudly, Katsuki tried blinking away the tears as he snapped his head up to your sitting place.

Only to let out his own shriek as your dead, glazed eyes burned holes into his.

#major tw #yandere bnha #yandere bakugou #yandere bakugo katsuki #yandere bakugou x reader #yandere bakugou angst #yandere x reader #rosebud’s horror fest 2022

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