#and im sure as shit not telling anyone i know

[quotevarchive]

hey! hope this ask finds you well. so, im a bit of an amateur digital historian (in that i take internet history seriously) and i like to write casual essays about websites from time to time. quotev flew up on my radar when i saw some yall on cohost, and ive been reading everything i can about it for the last several days. from what i've gathered, nobody really knew quotev's double life except for q users themselves. in fact, it's been such a well-guarded secret that most are unaware of quotev's existence, much less that it was a quiz site with a secret component to it. so i am putting out a call to you and any quotevians reading: would any yall be open to contributing to a quotev post-mortem? it seems like it was a pretty monumental site to many users, and as for the pain of its loss, i understand it myself: the website i consider basically 'my highschool years' went dark just last year, and knowing that it's essentially lost to everyone but those who were there for it bums me out. BUT quotev is still fresh in the minds of the people who called it home, and i'd love a chance to learn more about its unique culture and what made it so special to its users, even if many users now feel betrayed by it. if you do publish this ask (which you are under no obligation to do so), anyone reading it is free to send me an ask directly and i'll make sure my anon is on in case anybody wants to remain anonymous. also just in case i need to clarify, i'm not trying to write a smear piece or anything tabloidesque involving individual users - i want to know quotev as users knew it, whatever was loved and hated and why it will be bitterly missed.

yes hi!!! This ask is so exciting to me because I have been a little too into quotev history and dynamics and social interaction (hence the blog) for a few years now. I only started “archiving” in late 2022, but feel free to look through my older posts for any info. everything's a bit clogged up with the “quotev death” posts but back in the archive there’s a decent amount of stuff. I collect whatever i can. also feel free to hmu if you have any specific questions.

the hidden social media of quotev was always such a funny thing to me. Even older users who used to roleplay or make quizzes and fanfics there didn’t seem to be quite aware that it had become so centered around the activity feed, and of course any mentions of it on bigger platforms like youtube were always like “cringe 12y/o fanfic haha.” (Not that anything we actually did was any less silly.) anyway, i was always torn about this because i did NOT want quotev to become more popular, but i wished people knew about the crazy shit that really went down there. Your post-mortem is a great idea because you’ll be telling the story of social quotev with no worry of sending new users to the site…because he is already dead

I highly encourage any followers who have fond memories or stupid stories to submit them!

#ask #quotev #happy quotev death everyone #? #sorry this is LONG

[unimportantweirdo]

⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️⚠️

oh i've relapsed hard

i haven't scratched myself in so long but when i'm experiencing intensely strong negative emotions i immediately lean back on self harm

#tw self harm #trigger warning #major tw #im truly sorry if youre reading this #but i had to tell someone #and im sure as shit not telling anyone i know #i feel like im mourning a part of me which sounds fucking ridiculous #but my phone and the shit on it is so so important to me #i just wanted to dig my nails into my palm to stop me crying in public #and its escalated #im genuinely surprised im not bleeding #i have no other coping skills #cant break anything cant hit anything cant hurt anyone else cant scream #cant do anything #so ill just scratch myself instead #sh trigger warning #tw sh

[findafight]

Robin chose Steve. Robin made the conscious and deliberate decision that she could and would trust Steve. She already liked him! She had fun working and bantering with him! They were already on their way to being weird little bffs and the torture just expedited the process. Steve chose Robin just the same! He thinks she's fun and cool and likes her so much! He chose to be honest and open with her too, putting himself out there.

Even though their interests on the surface level don't match why wouldn't they share them? Steve clearly caves when Robin wants to watch a movie he doesn't think he'll like, Robin can watch a March madness game or five.

Stop trying to take away their bond oh my god people can be close to more than one person!!! Their best friend doesn't have to be dismissive or mean or whatever in order for a romance to be special to them!

#if i have to see another fic or whatever that makes it seem like robin doesnt give a shit about what steve likes and talkes about im going #to scream and maybe even rampage #its nice to sit down and have someone who knows explain who the players are and what the stakes for this particular game!! #just because yall seem to not think anyone can be nutral towards sports doesnt mean people aren't #literally why is it so hard to believe robin would like to hear steve talk as much as steve likes to hear her talk #i am so close to telling some steddie shippers to not look at steve or robin or their friendship because some of yall do Not get it. #its like you can see them go 'have to make sure eddie is the most perfect specialest boy for steve...well that means robin doesn't Get Him ' #or 'robin ignores him/dismisses his interests/isnt told everything happening in his life' like okay dont ever touch them again thanks #robin is steves specialest sunshine cupcake goober girl. steve is robins bestest happy times sweet funnyman. dont u dare take that away. #omce again tsgs longer than the post but ah well. #stobin #platonic stobin #robin buckley #steve harrington #stranger things #finda's rambles #steve and robin #this is a scheduled post just to jazz things up i guess #but seriously some of yall need to STOP MESSIGN WITH STOBIN

[reel-fear]

MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!

grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.

#ramblez #little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao #this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it #hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD #hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you #batim #batdr #bendy and the ink machine #bendy and the dark revival #and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions #it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting #But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent #dw Im not going anywhere <3 #also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently #old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD #also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns #he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs #and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get #and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they #dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves #to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent #mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did #so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!

[ocpdzim]

what you’ve got to understand about working conditions in education (and also other care-oriented careers) is that if they’re shit, two things are true at once:

that does not ever excuse being cruel to a kid, no matter what

until those conditions are fixed, education will continue to suck absolute shit

this is because when working conditions for teachers are really bad, many of the good teachers who recognize when they are reaching a point where they can no longer be the sort of teacher the kids deserve due to burnout WILL quit. they will do the responsible thing and go away for their own sake and the sake of the kids. and you end up stuck w a combination of new teachers who are trying their best but won’t last long, burnt out teachers who are trying their best but have nothing left to give and therefore aren’t very effective at actually teaching, and cockroach shitheads who take out their misery on the kids.

we have all had terrible experiences with bad teachers, many of them flat out traumatic, but for fuck’s sake please try to look at the systemic underpinnings of the problem for one minute. spitefully declaring that teachers don’t deserve good working conditions or even the right to complain about bad working conditions because ms. whoever in 5th grade was a bitch is only going to create more of her. if you want good teachers then we need an education system they can survive in

#i get so irritated w the post where like. #95% of it is a good post and then at the end op is like WAAAHHH teachers are complaining about burnout on my post about a bad teacher #like yeah no shit. if the field of education wasnt so hostile to everyone who works in it maybe they could have found a better teacher to #replace that motherfucker with. and then she would not be there to bother the kids any more. #as someone who Has had traumatic experiences w bad teachers. #its scary enough walking into a field i know is pretty much built to chew new teachers up and spit us out #hoping to be able to survive it long enough to do some good and be the kind of teacher i needed as a kid #without people acting as though it is some sort of crime for teachers to want. like. basic human dignity at work and enough money to survive #even people who are nominally pro-workers rights #you guys have no fucking idea how bad the situation is in schools right now #the reason bad teachers didnt get fired perhaps USED to be tenure #but nowadays its the fact that its rare for a school to be fully staffed *at all* bc so many teachers quit or died #so they'll hire and keep absolutely fucking anyone simply because the alternative is No Teacher. and an empty classroom #full of kids who wont learn anything except that the system doesnt even care about them enough to put a teacher in the room. #i have gotten job offers ON SIGHT from principals who know nothing about me and im literally not even legally qualified to teach yet #like before even telling them my name lmao #and im sure everyone else in town who expresses any interest in teaching whatsoever gets the same.

[rexscanonwife]

I wanna draw my ship with Utonium as ponies...

#jane journals #self insert talk #🔬 starkissed scientist 🔬 #UROGGGHHHH #I THINK HE'D BE A UNICORN #my s/i would be a 'pegasus' but shes actually a changeling x3 #i know theres some shit that happens in like the 8th season where the changelings 'metamorphize' and look like awesome bugs #idk if they can still change shape after that soooo idk if anyone knows pls feel free to tell me #im not sure what the girls would be!! #i wanna make them something WEIRD like ponies but not bcs well...in the SHOW theyre weird #everyones constantly commenting on the fact that theyre bugeyed and literally NO ONE ELSE looks like them #theyre freaks of nature. theyre adorable. theyre everything #in fact craig mccracken faced a lot of backlash w their designs initially #was told they were 'offputting' but he stuck to his guns and literally everyone in the world thinks theyre cute now x3 #anyways blah #i wanna go hoooome i wanna draaaaw

[yappacadaver]

and it's like despite all the awful shit he's done and continues to do, like, i get it. he's employed like 24/7/365. he never got to live a life, despite spending a childhood clinging to the hope of having one someday. He knew companionship and love but lost it and can't ever get it back. His circumstances are so anomalous and gruesome that it completely isolates him from pretty much every other human being on the planet. he knows hell is real and he is basically guaranteed to go there if he can't break this demon curse thing.

like it doesn't make the kidnapping and spreading the curse around any better, but i do get it.

#like personally i don't blame him for the actual murders #and it's hard to blame him for hiring people without telling them because like lol. #anyone who's like 'oh he should just tell ppl about the demons' like what are you onnnnnn if you went to a job interview with a creepy old #guy and he started talking about demons and hauntings and shit you would think you're being pranked or that he's lost his damn mind #and fuck offffff with the 'ohhh not me im a quirky bean i'd love to take a job if the interview was like that' like sure. ok. maybe YOU wou #but what are the odds that milford in 1998 coming off the satanic panic has a thousand yous running around waiting to be hired #like i honestly dont have any suggestions for how he could have handled the hiring situation any better #now the actual JOB i have plenty of feedback #like yea he should be there to train your ass against the demons lol we got more hands-on guidance for the embalming (the non deadly part) #but like the whole 'raymond is evil cause he kills possessed ppl and hires people without telling them abt demons' #do you think that old man can run the whole mortuary by himself and also have time to teach classes #until he inevitably dies from either stress or the demons and is sent to hell (which he knows is real)? #it's my understanding that by having others around who can help him fight the demons he'll have the spare time to figure out how to #break out of the demon curse or break possession or literally any useful information that could treat the disease and not the symptoms #he is running out of time!!! he is only getting older and the demons are only getting more frequent and someday he won't be fit enough #to properly banish them!!! if you even care!!!!!!!!! #fucking tag essay lmao #mr delver i wont u...

[zoppzoop]

GAAHAHHHHH

#venting in the tags #maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much #but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn #im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but #i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me #feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it. #plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel #like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went #back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening #and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just #crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and #usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine. #i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better #but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that #plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut #the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad #'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like #shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those #fuck you you bitch #i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep #tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less #ps. note to anyone reading the tags #im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.

[pinkseas]

girls who have all their lives struggled with worthiness and have spent a solid decade convinced that they were undeserving of love fighting desperately to be good enough to be loved in any capacity by anyone at all, constantly failing constantly being left behind, when someone they dearly care for and genuinely trust just Very Casually tells them that they are easy to love

#diary time sorry this is kinda :// im just like. REELING #'damn shocked you into silence' GENUINELY YEAH 😭😭😭 #like okay. okay. okay. okay. cool. take a belief ive held onto my entire life and flip it on its head with no effort at all. yeah thats fin #it feels SO silly to say im like Shaky bc of this but i have a whole ass complex built around it ive worked thru sm in therapy for years no #but this is one of the only things left that still (consistently) REALLY fucks me up and that i cant get through my head #and not for lack of trying its a work in progress if u will but. god. #genuinely one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me i think this is going to live with me for the rest of my life #or at least for the next decade #u know when someone says smth or tells u smth and u just Never Forget It like its too meaningful for you to let go of? #whether good or bad? #this is obviously Very Good which is strange in of itself but also holy shit. holy shit. holy shit #and idk i try to surface level be. Like This? silly goofy kind etc? but to hear that from someone who knows me PRETTY damn well #and who i have sm respect for and put sm trust in #like okay. okay. okay .okay. okay. okay. yeah. sure. yeah. mmhmm. alright. cool. okay.yeah. alright. #one million explosions #alyalyoxenfree #cant decide if i want him to see this or not #thats always a weird moment of someone saying something genuinely life-changing and then its like oh shit #do i suddenly dump all this baggage on you for the sole purpose of making you understand how meaningful this is to me #or do i do. Not That. and simply carry on forever changed for the better

[hella1975]

my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)

me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha

#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at #like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here! #i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE #i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality #and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way #& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person #but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone #like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH #idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better #and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell #not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell #that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point #i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people #and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off #when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards #hella goes home

[the-kneesbees]

yk I felt really bad about this whole thing at first but looking back I think maybe I dodged a bullet

#its not about me being mean anynore its actually about me repeatedly expressing discomfort and him not listening to me #and then me having to deal with 500 'im so sorry if i made you uncomfortable! im just the worst 😔' text messages #and like. i know i always said not to worry about it #but that doesnt mean keep doing it #yk #cause like id see him in school and hed hug me and shit which i fucking hated #and hed be like oh youre the best your so understanding ive never met anyone like you etc etc etc #and then the whole #'omg did me hugging you make you uncomfortable?? im so sorry omg!!' #post posting #yeah. realizing this is actually the only way i couldve gone about this #qnd the worst part is one of my best friends told me that a lot of her friends dont like him etc etc #and obviously i asked why cause a lot of people dont like me and im not gonna judge people based on random ass rumors #and she wouldnt tell me until i was already in to deep #like if she had just told me from the beginning i wouldnt be in this mess 😭 #its all good though #im p sure he hates me but im genuinely fine with that

[enigma-the-anomaly]

:/

#vented in a discord server (not the tumblr moots one dw moots <3) about my mom barging into my room this morning #which really pissed me off because I feel like I have no privacy #and someone responded by saying I should be grateful that my parents care enough about me to walk into my room and check on me #which is. not what I needed to hear #idk I’m just always terrified that I’m too sensitive and that I’m having problems that aren’t actually problems #I know I’m privileged trust me but. that same thinking is what makes me deny my trauma #because others have it worse or whatever #like I am sure the person did not mean to insult me or be rude #and I do think I overreacted a little (mainly cuz mental illness and shit makes me annoying) #but. idk it rly hurt me #the last thing I needed was for someone to tell me that actually I should be grateful that I have no privacy #this person even started talking about how their room doesn’t even have a door #look idk what I’m saying I was just trying to vent rq and now I feel like an asshole #and self pity makes me feel even more like an asshole #I’m sorry I’m selfish and ungrateful. im sorry I overreact to everything #vent #ramble #god how does anyone stand me

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#so i got a message from my sister telling me something rather tragic had happened in our family #on my mom's side. one of my aunties passed away&my little sister let me know. #she also let me know that my mother is taking it really hard&shed probably really like to hear from me. #&its weird bc any sadness i felt about my aunty dying almost completely evaporated upon it becoming a way to guilt me #into talking to my mother-- like i was not almost dead for a long LONG time&she was actively disowning me bc i wasnt sick the right way #after a lifetime of refusing to believe i was sick AT ALL which directly lead to developing cancer she screamed at me in public #that i was lying about before pretending to drive off a cliff&then refusing to pick up her phone until she called me an hour later #after i had been calling not just her but anyone in our family who could possibly check on her to tell me that i never loved her #&i wouldnt have cared if she died&it would have been my fault. #so like. i dont really give a fuck if shes taking a death in the family poorly? like i dont actually fucking care that this-- like literally #everything else-- needs to center my mother's bad feelings. i just fucking dont lmao. #&im really fucking pissed off that i now have to feel like shit bc i dont feel like i properly feel bad #about my family member dying bc IT BECAME ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER IMMEDIATELY. #i do not fucking UNDERSTAND. #i cannot even put into words how this all makes me feel lmao. why. literally fucking why. #the cherry on top? my aunty died of gastric issues. you know. the family curse that i def didnt get so i got to work thru it all #while being called a liar. you know the type of illness that almost killed ME. that might STILL kill me. #but yeah my mom is sad so i should call&make sure to hold her hand like i always fucking did lets just forget an entire lifetime #&esp the last five years thatll be totally cool. #a tragedy happened in the family so fuck all MY tragedies actually i guess.

[theygender]

My gf and I have talked about hypothetically opening up our relationship at some point in the future which would make me very happy as a polyamorous person, but I just realized that if that actually happens and I have to go back out on the dating scene I'm gonna have some trouble bc now that I'm more outwardly butch people are gonna expect me to make the first move and I have never made a first move in my entire life

In all of my relationships but two the first move was made by the other person, and I wasn't even the person who made the first move in the other two. In the first one the girl chickened out on her plans to ask me out and then our mutual friend who didn't realize that that had happened outed her by asking me what I said afterwards, and in the second one me and the other person both went to the same friend on the same day to talk about our crushes on each other and then she made us talk about our feelings

I met my current girlfriend on a dating app, and the first time she tried to ask me on a date she wanted to take me to the theater so she asked me if I had seen the new beauty & the beast movie and then instead of realizing that she was asking me on a date I said that I'd already seen it and gave her a negative review of the movie. And then when she asked me on a date again a few weeks later I had to ask to make sure it was a date when I got there 😭

...And that reminds me of another event in high school where a girl I liked took me to the mall and we walked around holding hands the entire time and then afterwards I had to get one of our mutual friends to ask her if it was supposed to be a date bc I was too nervous and also stupid 😭 Another girl that year asked me to skip class with her and told me that if I flashed my pretty smile at the teacher I could probably get away with it and I had to show the text to my friend to ask if she was flirting. I'm gonna die out there on my own 😭

#rambling #the friend i showed the message to was the same one i made ask the other girl if it was a date #and he didnt even answer he just raised his eyebrow and stared at me like 'really?' #god im just. remembering how stupid i was in high school now #there were two other crushes that i had who may have potentially liked me back and i may have even been told that by multiple people #but i was so deep in my self hatred and also stupid that i didnt think it was possible for them or anyone else to like me 😭 #they both were friends of mine and they eventually stopped talking to me completely and i couldnt figure out why #and now i hope its not bc they they thought i was leading them on. bc i wasnt. i was just a massive idiot #you have to explicitly tell me that youre interested in me or want to go on a date or whatever or im not gonna get it #and tbh. that didnt even always work #my first major crush in high school was on a girl who told me directly multiple times that she was into me #but i was even DEEPER in my self hatred at that time #(and also only just figuring out how social interaction worked bc she was helping my autistic ass learn) #so i just. assumed it was a joke. bc no one could have possibly been interested in me and definitely not such an amazing person #i guess at least i have a scrap of self confidence now and im brave enough to ask for clarification now #and if i specifically ask someone on a date at least i would know for sure its a date? #and it could either be lame or cute but i could ask for permission to kiss them. it worked for my gf #i cant interpret signals for shit 😭 #i dont even have a valid reason to be thinking about this right now lol its not like i have permission to date anyone else romantically yet #but ive been watching clone high with my gf and abe keeps misinterpreting joan directly saying that she wants him in increasingly dumb ways #and i just keep cringing bc i realized that that was me ahdjsksl.... #only difference is in my case it was never bc i was ignoring them for someone else. it was ALWAYS bc i was an idiot #literally i would be there pining for them and every attempt they made would go right over my head #you have to be morosexual and very persistent to date me 😭 or tell a mutual friend whos very persistent ig lol #i know we are All useless lesbians but i think i deserve a medal or smth #ill hang it on my corkboard next to the souvenir that one of my crushes who i didnt think liked me back got for me in high school #which was a plastic license plate that said 'babygirl' on it bc that was her nickname for me 😅 #god i really hope people didnt think i was leading them on. imagine someone thinking im a player flirting with a bunch of different girls #without ever making things official. when really if i found out for certain any of them were interested in me i would have died of shock 😭 #and if we WERE in fact flirting i wouldnt have realized it. i was just SO scared and SO stupid 😭😭😭

[running-in-the-dark]

my mother loves to complain that 'everyone her age' has died. she's almost 70, and obviously it's not literally everyone, but yeah every other person her age in our family/her friends has died.

I understand that must be very hard.

what she has not once mentioned, ever, is that for me and my brothers, every person older than us in our family is gone except her. and she is not supportive, not warm, not kind. we have no one left. but yes, sure, she is the one who is most hurt by this.

#I'm a bitter bitch. I know. I don't care. I'm done caring #I just want someone to help me #I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me its gonna be alright and to tell me what to do #not my husband. #someone who is older and who knows what they are doing and who can be calm and kind and comforting #I have no one #my in-laws will help with practical things. and I'm grateful for that. #but we're not close. they don't show emotions. they aren't warm and kind. they're serious and practical and helpful. but it's not enough #it's not enough #I've never had anyone but at least I had my dad. at least he tried. at least he was there. sometimes #at least I didn't feel like I'm all alone in the world with no one to make sure I'm okay #im not okay #I can't do this #I didn't get any of this shit when I was little and I can't do it on my own now #I cqnt

[whilomm]

i keep looking at my calendar and seeing top surgery like a week away and theres Excitement and Anxiety and Fear that something will fuck it up and also oh yeah fck i havent even started my fundraiser thing i was hoping to do shit i should get that set up and OH FUCK ITS ONLY 8 DAYS AWAY JESUS CHRIST AAAAA

#buzzy #trans #for ref im not really sure if im gonna need the fundraiser bc itll probs depend on How Insurance Goes and i might not find that out #til afterward just bc. surgery was scheduled 60 days and insurance auth is supposed to be 90 ig?? #so. if insurance goes well then outta pocket might be fine but if it Does Not then it Might Not #but idk am i gonna have to wait a month after to find that out?? maybe #but my plan was just like. say fuck it do the fundraiser and if i end up not needing the money then ill just pass on the extra #to other top surgery funds #but also goddd its gonna be Work to get it set up #and oc what if it doesnt go well what if no one goes for it #and also what if lawsuit #i dont think anything im doing can be considered legally binding if i mark it as a Novelty Item but still hmmmmm #like i think i got my legal bases covered maybe?? #but Maybe Not #if anyone is a lawyer or knows a lawyer that can just listen to my dumbass idea and tell me if its legally dubious lemme kno #anyway i should probably actually get that shit set up tomorrow. maybe or maybe not launch it and hope ppl think its funny #funny enough to buy em #and hope i dont have to change the KERNING ANOTHER 20 TIMES!!! #anyway i will be Explicitly Saying that the backup for the fundraiser is 'if i end up not needing it ill pass it on' but yea #...also thinking about truing to mail 350 letters after surgery on the off chance it does in fact Get Big is. #eh might as well torture myself a little. as a treat. #WAIT WHAT IF I CANT LIFT MY ARMS WELL ENOUGH TO KISS W TOUNGE #'disclaimer: kisses w tongue may require extra processing time if my arms dont fucking work'