#tw suicidal

[borderlinereminders]

One of my favourite things in the world is how my dog hears me lay in bed and immediately gets off the couch and comes into the bedroom. My heart swells every time I hear her approaching. And then she curls right up into me. Sometimes I wake up to her being the little spoon and on my pillow.

And as I’m laying here, listening to her settle in contently, I’m thinking about how happy I am I never succeeded in killing myself years ago. I would have never met her. And she is my entire world. I can’t imagine never having met her.

I’m so happy I stuck around for this. I’m so happy I stuck around to meet my partner. And get married. I’m happy I’m still here.

It isn’t hopeless. You have people left to meet who will love you. Things to experience. Maybe it won’t be a dog, but I hope that one day you can look back and think “I’m so happy I stuck around for this”. And I believe you can get there.

If you’d told me five years ago it would get better or that I would be happy I stuck around, I’d say you were lying. I spent a decade hurting myself, being suicidal and in and out of the hospital. But here I am. Laying in my bed with my dog curled up next to me and my partner sleeping soundly.

And I am happy to be alive.

#tw suicide #tw self harm #tw suicidal #personal

[zebulontheplanet]

uh hii! i hope you're having a good day or night, uhm so i have a question, how was the process of getting diagnosed with schizoaffective (depressive type btw), my therapist think its schizophrenia, but i think it's more likely to be schizoaffective.. should i say something? i dont wanna be misdiagnosed

Hi there! So that’s a complicated question. I always showed signs of schizoaffective disorder, and have childhood onset, which is rare. I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 19, although I showed symptoms long before. My mental health history is complex. For me, schizoaffective means I have schizophrenia with a mood disorder, in my case depressive type. I have intense and non-intense depressive mood swings. This means that before I was on medication, I’d have frequent swings of just being severely depressed and would cry basically all the time. This also came with intense swings of having suicidal and self harm ideations and behaviors.

There isn’t much resources to depressive type for some odd reason.

I would bring it up to your psych! Just be direct. Just say “I was doing some research on schizophrenia and found schizoaffective, what do you think?” And see how that goes. I’ve seen dozens of professionals and none of them diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder because although it’s common, not many professionals hear about it. It’s more like an after thought. They think of schizophrenia and that’s that.

I wish you luck and I hope this was helpful! Have a lovely day!

#zebrambles #actually schizoaffective #schizoaffective disorder #schizoaffective #schizospec #thanks for the ask anon! #tw sui ideation #tw self h4rm #tw self harm #tw suicidal

[depression-culture-is]

Suicide mention

Depression culture isn't relating to the Constantly in bed, Super duper sad depression stereotype and constantly being doubted because of it and that you're "Not that sad/suicidal" (im masking. Do you not know what that is?)

.

#depression culture #tw suicidal

[yonemurishiroku]

something something Nico is immortal in the sense that you can't kill something that's already dead.

#jsut realize this can be understood in two ways and no I'm not taking it back #1/ Nico's dead inside 2/ Nico IS death itself #both are beautiful mind you #nico di angelo #pjo #hoo #toa #yone rambling #percy jackson and the olympians #heroes of olympus #trials of apollo #angst #tw death #tw suicidal

[impure-as-a-lamb]

“my body my choice” until i want to commit suicide or cut myself or not getting therapy because i don’t find it useful for me.

#tw sui vent #tw suicidal #tw sh #tw self mutilation #tw selfhate #tw self destruction #tw s3lf harm #bpd #actually bpd #borderline #bpd vent

[ben-c-group-therapy]

AN: This fic is purely self-indulgent! I needed it at this time Sorry for my grammar and poorly written story. It was off the cuff.

TW’s: If any of the following are likely or even remotely possible to trigger you PLEASE DO NOT READ BELOW! Depression; Mania; Manic Depressive; Bipolar disorder; Self Harm Scars; Self Harm Thoughts; Suicidal Thoughts; Mental Illness.

WC: 1,808

“Have you ever felt so alone even when you’re surrounded by people?” You looked up at Nick, thick tears gathering in your eyes at the admission of how you were handling life and all its highs and lows currently.

Nick felt his heart break as he looked down at you, curled up on your oversized comfy sofa. As he had come into the apartment an hour ago after not hearing from you all day and not seeing you at work, he noticed your place was eerily quiet save for a few sniffles coming from the living room. The place seemed almost untouched, with no dishes in the sink, no drinking glasses anywhere, or the water bottle you carried around faithfully. The only place that seemed lived in at all was the living room, where it appeared you had camped out the last couple of days at least. A blanket tossed haphazardly over the back of the couch, takeout boxes on the coffee table, and a couple of plastic water bottles on the floor. It was very apparent to Nick you weren’t feeling well mentally and in a dark place.

Nick exhaled a shaky breath before taking a tentative seat on the sofa beside you. He knew you well enough to know that when in a state like this you wanted your space but you needed him close by too.

“Yeah…yeah Hermosa I have.” He sighed. “I don’t know how you’re currently feeling or what you’re dealing with baby but I’ve felt that way. Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours.” The handsome hazelnut-eyed detective let his hand reach out towards you, holding it over your thigh. “When did you first start feeling this way? Hmm?” He spoke softly, his voice full of concern.

“I don’t know. Everything just snowballed.” You sniffled and looked up to the ceiling as tears welled even further in your eyes while you tried not to cry openly, always wanting to remain strong on the outside for everyone else. Nick though…Nick saw right through it all. He always had and always would and as he did he pulled you to him, into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you; his large hand on your head soothing down your hair before pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

Nick had been in your life for nearly five years now, at first only a partner at work but now your boyfriend for nearly a year after you both confessed your feelings after an argument after a frustrating week and a huge disagreement. You had yelled at him your feelings and he stared at you dumbfounded, never believing anything so good could happen to him, so good as to have you have the same feelings he felt for you, that is. That was Nick though, Nick Amaro who never thought he deserved the best in life which you always felt he did, knew he did. Then again you felt the same way toward yourself. Never believing you deserved anything good or anyone good in your life and that anything or anyone good had to have an alterer motive. Perhaps that’s why you were kindred spirits, you both knew how the other felt in some similar sort of way all the while knowing it was completely different sets of situations that led you to the place you were in life now.

Nick looked over to the table behind the couch seeing your medicine containers filled still from the last week. You hadn’t taken them then, a reckless decision in a moment of mania or brain fog, maybe both, he couldn’t be sure until asking further. While at work the detective was one of the best at interrogations he was careful when it came to you, he knew you hated feeling like you were being interrogated like one of his perps. It always ended up in you pulling even further away and shutting everyone, including him, out. “You didn't take your meds this week?” He questioned softly as he caressed your hair and back.

“I don’t know. I can’t remember when.” You muttered.

“Baby…you had an alarm set. What happened? I wanted to be here but I was undercover. I’m so sorry mi amor. I can’t always be here to remind you, you know that right? I worry. You have to take your meds so you feel better; so you feel okay.” Nick urged, feeling himself worry even more now at your words.

“Nick…Nick I don’t need you to babysit me. I know what I did was reckless. I know I skipped. One day I got up late, and I missed my alarm, and cut it off. The next day I said I didn’t have time, so I skipped it. The next, the same. The following I forgot, the same with the next and the next, and then I got to the point where I felt amazing I didn’t need it I thought. I was stupid and things spiraled. It felt great for a while! Boy did it feel fucking great. Now…now I just feel empty, and alone. Alone when I’m at work. Alone here. Alone with you. It doesn’t matter, I’m alone.” You started to feel yourself get carried away trying to explain what your mind felt like right now.

The detective listened, his heart clutching at your words and the pain and conflicting thoughts you had to be having right now.

“It’s not normal and it’s not okay. I just. I want to feel okay. I don’t want to have to live life on meds and still battle my thoughts, my mind saying awful things. I’m filled with rage and with hate and I’m not…I’m not hateful, I’m not vengeful, I’m not like this Nick. You know I’m not! I’m empathetic, I’m kind, I feel other people’s emotions and pain so deep inside myself that I carry it wherever I go and I try to make it better. I’m not this person my mind makes me believe I am.” You pushed off of Nick’s chest, or tried I should say but he held you tight to him knowing in a moment you’d break, the flood of tears would form and you’d not be able to stop it. Knowing you you probably hadn’t cried in a long time and needed it. Needed to feel healthy and not with the methods you used to use. Nick’s mind flashed with the memories of new scratches and new cuts and new bruises before you and he had gotten together and you had started an intensive therapy course and continued with therapy and treatment since. You had relapses of course but it hadn’t been as frequent and he had made it his life mission that no one, not even yourself, would harm you again. The squad and so many others, including yourself told him that it wasn’t his fault if you had faltered or slipped again, that it wasn’t his duty to make sure you were okay 24/7 but he still took it seriously and it made you feel even more guilty you had hurt him so bad by hurting yourself.

“Baby… Hermosa, you…you haven’t hurt yourself again have you?” He was afraid to ask…afraid of what the answer might be. He had been gone away without contact all week and had no idea if you were okay or not even if you assured him you were a big girl. Even the squad had said they’d check on you, which they did until you stopped letting anyone in yesterday morning.

“No…no, I haven’t. I’ve had thoughts but I haven’t.” You choked up and the man looked over your hands that had clutched his shirt desperately then down to your wrists and arms seeing no signs of new red angry skin. “It’s like a fucked up addiction. I did it to feel. I did it to make sure I was alive and all the while forget that I was and attempt not to have to deal with it at all anymore. I hate it. I hate I started it but I did now I have to live with it all because I started and my fucked up bipolar.” You cried.

“How…how can you even stand me?? Why do you want to be with me? Why? I’m so fucked up Nick! I’m screwed up! Why would YOU want ME? Me of all the women you could have, you chose the girl with a brain so messed up as mine.” You broke down as the handsome raven-haired detective held you tighter, tears gathering in his own eyes as you soaked his shirt with your own.

“Because I’ve never seen someone so compassionate. Someone so filled with life when you’re interested in something you can’t stop talking about it. Your eyes light up, your smile is huge and you can go on for ages until you realize I’m staring at you with my stupid big grin. Because of your smile, your spirit lights up even the darkest of moments, of days, the darkest corners of my mind. When I think of having you as my work partner and my girlfriend I ask how fucking lucky am I to have you by my side to confide in, to hold, and to love. How lucky am I that Zara and Gil have another amazing woman in their life who can teach them compassion for others and empathy and set a good example. Baby love you so much. I know we’re both fucked up but you are the light in the center of my heart that keeps it beating. That keeps me going. I don’t care that you have times when your life feels a mess, mine feels like a shit show most of the time too but when I hold you, or you hold me, I feel I’m sane. I’m okay. I’ll be okay because you’re here now. You’re going to be okay? Alright? I’m here. I’m going to love you through this and beyond. We’ll get you back on track and get you feeling better. I love you, please…try never to forget, even if you do, I’m going to remind you every day for the rest of eternity that you’re loved and cherished not just by me but by family and our squad and friends. Always.” Nick held your face in his large calloused hands gently as he spoke before kissing your tear-stained face and lips. “I love you. Please rest here, okay? When you get up I’ll be right here. We’ll start new. It’s going to be okay. I’ve got you.” He cooed and rocked slowly side to side hoping to soothe you as you cried yourself to sleep knowing Nick was right, he would be there for you and help you till you saw the daylight again.

Author’s Note: Please if you feel hopeless, empty, sad, or alone or are having any thoughts of SH, Suicide, or even just a feeling of helplessness and depression, call or text your local hotline (FOUND HERE). I have used the Crisis text line (text HOME to 741741 in the USA) several times and it helps to have someone to listen when you hate or are anxious about talking on the phone! If not these lines, please friends/family for support or someone who will listen to you. I’m here to speak to you and try to understand even in your darkest time you aren’t alone even if you feel you are. You are enough and you are loved. I love you. ❤️

#nick x reader #nick amaro x reader #danny pino #nick amaro #fanfiction #depressed #depression #tw self harm #self harm #tw depressing stuff #tw suicidal #suicidal ideation #suicidal thoughts #tw bipolar #tw mania #tw manic #manic depressive #manic depression #tw mental illness #tw mental health #fanfic #law and order svu #law and order special victims unit #law and order fanfiction #law and order svu fanfic

[moonfortunetheatre]

tw: vaguely suicidal i'm so sorry...the diyu...

i came back broken... i shouldn't have been alive in the first place...

it's calling me back....

#personal tag #vent tag #lmk macaque roleplay #tw suicidal

[late-for-the-sky]

Shooting Stars, Franz von Stuck

#shooting star #wishing for death #death wish #night sky #stars #franz von stuck #suicidal #lost #falling apart #depressiv #borderline personality disorder #bpd #suffering #don’t wanna be here #tw suicidal #shooting stars #tw depression #broken #empty #im sad and tired #tired #kms

[appalachiananarchist]

This is purely a post for me to vent and put words to some feelings I am having right now, but that I can't say to anyone personally. I need to say them, though, or I will explode. If you plan on reading this, know what follows discusses neglect, mental illness, and suicidality.

My parents are both deeply unwell, but neither ever got help. The result was that they weren't fit to raise kids, but me and my brothers hid that from everyone. The one time CPS almost got involved, I had to lie my tail off. My mom locked herself in her bedroom for 5 years and wouldn't come out, and then went through a fun alcoholism period. My dad ran away during this time to avoid engaging. I was in charge of everything. I raised my youngest brother starting around age 11. I think of him as a son because of it. The fear, pain, and grief I fell toward what is happening to him is not that a sister feels toward a brother, but a mother toward a son. It is devouring me. I can't think of anything else. I feel sick, always.

My brother is also deeply unwell. He struggled from a very young age and my parents weren't able to help him. They made some extremely poor choices that set him up for...well, nothing. They never got him the right help or the right resources to have any kind of life. I was too young to do much in that regard.

I'm not going to get into the severity of his symptoms, but suffice it to say that my brother is not living and suffers always. He won't engage with the problem. He is old enough that he has realized the seriousness of his situation, but he can't see a way out. He is spiraling, and I can't do anything about it because he won't let me. He won't even entertain a serious conversation about his mental health. One day, I will wake up and he will be dead or missing. I know it absolutely.

What I don't know is what to do.

I spent my entire childhood trying to resolve one crisis after another. Trying to keep my parents from killing each other. Trying to keep my mom from killing herself. Trying to shield my brothers from it. Trying to make sure we all had what we needed. Trying to hide all of it from everyone else. If there is one thing I learned, it's that I can't fix anything.

My entire family is balanced on a tightrope and could fall at any minute, but he is who I worry for most. I don't know that I will survive losing him.

#tw mental illness #tw mental health #tw depression #tw suicide #tw suicidal

[the-gray-ghosty]

Imagine if Sam had killed himself when Dean was in purgatory

Dean finally gets back, all excited to see sammy, and tracks him down to a small gravestone next to mary's and jess's

#sam winchester #sam and trauma #sammy #suicidal sam winchester #spn #sam and dean #supernatural #samdean #dean winchester #protective/worried dean my beloved #tw suicidal #tw suicide

[ask-coppertop]

You said you have a girlfriend? How did you meet her?

((TW: Suicidal stuff))

Oh cogs that’s quite the story, get comfy!

So this all started around 5 or 6 months ago..

I wasn’t working for the Wayport Museum yet, only volunteering and helping under Silas, the previous Artifact Department Head. My job at the time was at a little convenience store run by a harpy by the name of Peri. He would talk about his lost love a lot, almost every day actually. Now I’d been trying to find love for a long time now, even asking others about their love stories, I was losing hope I’d ever find anyone to be my special someone.

I was really depressed for a long time, and one day I started hearing these whispers. Quiet at first, and only I could hear them. And then I found this flower. It looked like a hologram or a ghost, just this translucent glowing pink flower. The whispers told me to touch it. And I did. Before I knew my head was filled so much sadness and despair, and the whispers told me to jump into The Pit to end it. So I followed their instructions. Only after I had jumped did I realize what I had just done. I remember falling for a long time, and waking up in the bottom level of The Pit (which I didn’t even know it had a bottom!).

It was there I was met with what I can only describe as the embodiment of sadness. He (or it?) looked like a glowing pink flickering humanoid made of moving words, and he looked up at me.

I guess I’d been missing for around a week and when the Sophia and someone that apparently works with Iron rescued me. This thing had possessed me and made me look like some sort of alicorn thing and tore up my body pretty bad. Last thing I remember was waking up to Sophia’s beautiful face and asking if she was single before passing out.

She repaired and upgraded me and I’ve loved her ever since!

#ask blog #ask coppertop #mlp ask blog #mlp ask oc #answered #mlp oc #mlp oc art #mequine #oc lore #wayport town #the pit #tw suicidal

[ikamigami]

Sun had yet another instance with questioning his own existence in Freddy and Funtime Freddy Show episode where he reacted to Murder Drones with OG Freddy..

It almost sounded as if he was asking why he's even alive.. why he's sentient.. which is very concerning...

It's another sign that he's suicidal.. I'm not saying that questioning your own existence immediately means that you're suicidal but with others signs that Sun gives it's definitely worrying..

I have to admit that I was wondering for quite some time that maybe Sun is wondering how it would be if he wasn't sentient.. He wouldn't feel this emotional and psychological turmoil like he is right now.. but I also wouldn't be surprised if maybe yet another thought crossed his mind.. like maybe it would be better if he wasn't sentient cause then he wouldn't make all these mistakes and he wouldn't ruin everything..

I'm pretty sure that I said something similar when Sun was questioning his own existence in "Sibling love" episode..

#sun and moon show #sams #sams sun #sun and moon show sun #fnaf sb #fnaf sun #faffs #faffs freddy #freddy fazbear #tw suicidal #tw suicide

[planty-planty-plants]

Things are getting dark again

#not plants #tw suicidal

[impala-dreamer]

She Smiles

It’s like sometimes she forgets how to breathe and she stands there, frozen in pain, strangled by her own mind. Her mouth opens, her eyes go wide, lips pale as the life threatens to drain from her body. For a moment, it doesn’t even hurt. Feels like she simply fades into nothingness. Not a breath, not a thought, nothing. And then everything hurts. Her lungs burn, her muscles tense. Her body screams, fighting to survive even if she’s decided not to. 

She stares ahead as the world fragments before her. Layers upon layers of life split in front of her eyes and she picks a spot in the middle, some place calm and warm to die. She digs her nails into her palm until the skin nearly breaks, sure that no one’s even seeing her, no one’s even noticed she hasn’t moved in forever, hasn’t taken a single breath. 

He notices. 

He drops a hand on her shoulder and it feels like lead. It startles her and she wakes from the deadly stupor, sucking in a heavy breath as her eyes refocus. She blinks and finds green staring back, searching, begging silently for a response. 

She smiles. It seems like the thing to do even if everything inside of her wants to scream instead. 

She smiles and his heart breaks. He knows she’s back there again, trapped in that place she can’t escape, that room buried deep inside of her head where the demons lie in wait. He can see by the tremor in her hand, the tears in her eyes that she’s exhausted, clawing day and night just to hang on. 

She smiles and takes another breath. “Hey.” She tries to inject some lightness into her voice but it’s too hard, too pointless. 

His fingers tense on her shoulder and then drag down her arm to scoop her hand into his. 

“You OK?” 

She exhales a shaky breath, but at least it’s a breath. He can relax for a split second. 

“Yeah.” She gives him a fake little laugh and looks down, hoping he doesn’t push too hard. Her heart is racing so fast she knows that if he asks again, she’ll explode. “I’m fine.” 

He bites his lip and wonders if he should say something, force her to talk, but he does the only thing he can. He gives her hand a tug and draws her close, wrapping his arm tight around her. 

She sucks in a breath and buries her face in his neck. He’s warm and solid and real; the only think holding her there, keeping her alive. 

“I got you,” he whispers. 

She smiles and lets herself believe he's right.

#yeah had to write it myself #tw depression #tw suicidal #dean x reader #comfort

[coexistentialism]

I feel like living isn't worth it. It's really not. Is it really worth continuing to live like this. Continuing to live in this stupid fucking world. I can't get doctors to figure out wtf is wrong with me, I can barely ever find actual doctors in general to begin with. I was referred to a neurologist and there is not a single neurologist within 100 miles of my home in my state that takes my insurance. Literally not a single one, I literally called my insurance and they looked within 100+ miles and not a single one. I get vaginal infections literally every momth; I quite literally have 4 meal options to choose from because my digestive issues are so severe, I don't even know what foods I like and I cannot force myself to eat food when I don't want to and don't like to. I used to regurgitate (regurgitate, not throw up) my food almost every day before I started taking meds for my acid reflux. I've had a tooth infection festering for Literal Months now that I had to set an appointment with an endodontist months away from when I first learned about the infection and that appointment is next week and I'll most likely have to wait months for the actual treatment (since this is just a consultation) and I'm pretty sure the infection has spread to other teeth. I feel like I am barely fucking living. I can't find doctors. Can't make simple fucking phone calls. I've had pain in my left arm for like 2 and a half months now and I'm scared it's a sign that some kind of infection is spreading to my blood, I don't fucking know. I feel like if I don't kill myself, then an infection will. I don't want to keep living, I really, really fucking don't. I wish someone else did everything for me. Made appointments for me, found doctors for me, etc. I wish I could just stop existing. I wish the world wasn't the way it was. Staying alive is not worth it. It's really, really not. Why would it be. Why would it be worth it. I'm just going to get further in therapy all for what? The world won't change anytime soon. My life won't get any better. My life is fucking miserable, I am fucking miserable, life is not worth it. But God forbid we take edibles for some fucking relief and feel bad about it. God forbid we feel bad for drinking soda all the time when we shouldn't be. God forbid we feel bad for not being able to "eat healthy." Bro, we can't even digest most foods, it just shows up in our shit undigested. We can't fucking get doctors, we don't have the fucking resources to be able to "eat healthy" and exercise and Be Healthy, give yourself (myself) a fucking break.

#my posts #you can just See the switching in this post tbfh #tw suicide #tw suicidal #tw suicidality #for diff. filtering tags

[rabidblasphemy]

Sometimes i think about the call i had with my mom when i was just barely 17. She lived an hour away when i lived in a shitty motel in denver with two alcoholics. The reason i couldnt stay with her was because her boyfriend doesnt like kids.

Not the point here but i called her after i overdosed.(i had passed out at some point so it was after that and i woke up) I called her feeling sick, because my now ex told me to. I told her 'i might have taken too many pills' i had taken too many. I had swallowed the whole bottle i just opened it.

She made it sound like an inconvenience 'really kid? I dont have time to be doing this'

'Its fine. Ill probably be okay.'

And i sat there. I sat there alone. Not even my mom cared. She knew i tried to kill myself. She has said this to me.

So why... why was i alone? I've always been so alone.

I wish i had died. I tried again just a couple years ago now.

I was hospitalized against my will for that one. I wish i had died.

Why am i still alive when i shouldnt be.

#mongrel #vent tag #tw overdose #tw od #tw sui ideation #tw suicide #tw suicidal #suicide