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bluemusickid · 3 years

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A Love So True: Part 2

Pairing: Chris Evans x Fem! Reader

Warnings: none so far, angst, fluff, eventual smut, 18+, MINORS DNI

A/N: This took a bit of time, but I hope it lives up to your expectations! I'm a hoe for good angst, and this was just an outlet ig. Many people have said that it reminds them of the movie The Vow, with Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. While I have seen that movie, this one will be slightly different. The main inspiration behind ALST is this story, of a woman named Laura Hart Faganello.

Minors DNI, you are responsible for your own media consumption. Not beta'ed, any mistakes, grammatical or otherwise are all mine. I post my stuff only on Tumblr and AO3, nowhere else. I do not give anyone permission to reproduce, copy or translate my work. Dividers by the wonderful @firefly-in-darkness @firefly-graphics 💓

Join my taglist and check out my masterlist for more!!

Gif credits: @a7estrellas 💓

Part 1

Chris caressed your photo, lovingly, his fingers trailing over your face. Every moment without you was killing him. Looking into your eyes, he didn't see the love that he craved. He saw attraction, intrigue even, but not the love he knew and craved. It was polite countenance.

He couldn't bear that. He would rather your ire, than your unfamiliarity.

He shook himself, placing the photo back hastily. He had his family by his side: Carly, Scott, Shanna and his mom. And Dodger, of course. But most importantly, he had his love for you, which would bring you back.

He was sure of it.

He saw you walking into the park, in an outfit he'd always loved on you. You walked to him, a warm smile adorning your lips. He loved that about you, your smile. It made him feel like the world was brighter by 200%.

You took a seat next to him, taking in his outfit. He was really good looking. But not in an arrogant way. In the way where he would turn heads with his charisma and charm, and confidence. You took a seat next to him, handing him a cup of coffee.

"What's this?"

"I stopped on the way at Starbucks and thought I'd get something for you. I hope you like it. If not, feel free to chuck it in the trash."

He smiled. Taking the cup from your hand, he took a sip of the drink, the bitter taste of coffee with hints of arabica overwhelming his senses. He loved it. It was his favourite coffee, and she picked it out. Briefly, his heart fluttered at the thought that maybe, somewhere, she remembered him. It made him feel better about this whole arrangement.

You watched him take small sips of his coffee, mesmerised at the sight of him really enjoying it. You didn't know why, but it felt really good that he liked it. You didn't know how, or why, but while ordering at the shop, the order just rolled off your tongue, like it was a habit, or muscle memory of sorts. You'd shrugged it off then, thinking it was probably your gut instinct telling you so. Or perhaps you'd been soulmates and partners in a former life. The thought made you chuckle.

Chris looked at you, bemused. "What?"

"Uh, nothing. I was just thinking about how you seem familiar to me and I just...thought that we might've known each other in a past life or something. Sounds weird and lame, I know."

He smiled shyly, looking at the ground. "Do you believe in past lives and soulmates?" He asked, his eyes searching yours. If it were someone else, you would've been creeped out and uncomfortable with the question and the eye contact. But not with Chris. He was different. Why? You didn't know.

"I..sort of do, I guess. Like, not in the way most people do, like kindred spirits and unbreakable bonds and all that. But I do think that if two souls are meant to be together, they will find a way, no matter what the hindrances or obstacles."

His heart swelled. Your candid confession gave him the hope he thought was gone forever. Maybe you did remember him, past life or not.

"We might've been together in a past life, which only proves one point."

"Which is?" You asked, dryly.

"It means that since we were probably together in a previous life, we should definitely give this...courtship a try in this life. Who knows, it might be better than the last life." He said with a wink, a grin adorning his lips.

You smiled. Time spent with Chris would certainly not be boring.

The days went by steadily, and so grew your relationship with Chris. He took you on many dates, to the most charming places ever; museums, parks, skating rinks. Time seemed to stand still when you were with him; which was an antithesis because two months seemed to just whizz by! You'd even been to dinner with his mom, who seemed like a wonderful lady. She, too, seemed familiar, but you didn't stress about it. It was probably your brain acting up, replacing people and memories.

You went to therapy more regularly now, Chris being a regularly occuring topic. He truly was the perfect man; caring, loving and perceptive to all your needs. There were one or two times where you thought that he would kiss you, hold you, but he maintained a distance, giving you time. At most, he would give you a warm hug, or a small peck on your forehead, but that was it. It was almost too perfect, you felt. You'd told your parents about him, but the reaction you'd gotten was lukewarm, and you didn't know why. It had bothered you, because it wasn't like them to not be happy for you.

Work was going well, too. You'd gotten a few interviews, and Chris helped you prep for that as well. You sat with him, laughing at his inane impressions of people and workplaces till the wee hours of the morning. The interview went well, and you'd started off your job on a good note, which you partly thought was because of his help in prepping.

You started inviting him for dinner more often, the house feeling more and more like a home. Living away from your parents was tough, but you felt like you needed your own space, especially now more than ever. Even if you didn't regain your old memories, it was important to you to make new ones. Although there wasn't a name you'd given to this courtship, it felt right. It felt like you were meant to be together.

It was a normal Friday evening, you'd called him over for dinner, which was animated, as always. He was telling you about his work, and how fulfilling it was everytime one of his clients walked away, happy with his work. You listened on, enthralled and enchanted, truly in awe of this man. He was getting ready to leave after dinner, but you felt a pang in your heart. The feeling of being incomplete was growing with each second. Calling out his name, you grabbed his arm, slowly pulling him into your house as he looked on in bewilderment. Rising up on your tiptoes, you gazed into his eyes as you held his face, slowly touching your lips to his. He stood there, shell-shocked, as if in a dream, making no attempts to touch you. He seemed to break out of his reverie soon, though, his hands encircling your waist and gently pulling you to him, holding you closer. He deepened the kiss, as if beseeching you, asking you for something. It felt like he was pouring everything he had into the kiss, holding your face, his thumb grazing your jaw ever so slightly. Breaking apart, he touched his forehead to yours, not ready to let go of you.

"That was..." he breathed, speech evading him.

"I know." You replied, looking into his eyes. They had darkened, his pupils wide and his mouth slightly slack. You wanted more, you needed to feel him, to hold him. You needed him in every possible way; not lust-fuelled, but something more powerful. It seemed crazy but you felt like he was the one for you.

Much to your dismay, he pulled away, whispering, "would you like to have dinner with me this Friday? At my house, as my...girlfriend?"

Your head shot up at that, bemusement evident on your face. "Are you serious?!"

"About which part, the house or the girlfriend?"

You slapped him playfully, "the girlfriend part, you dummy! Took you long enough!"

He laughed as he pulled you closer, his heartbeat steady against your ear. Your heart fluttered at the thought of being at his house. He'd never talked about his family a lot before, so going to his house would be like getting a peek into his life. Placing a peck on his lips, you agreed, embracing him with all that you had. You couldn't believe how much he'd meant to you in such a short time.

You kissed him again, softly, wanting nothing more than to pull him inside and take him to bed. Alas, he pulled away soon, much to your disappointment, leaving with a small peck to your forehead.

"See you this Friday, sweetheart."

You woke up on Friday morning, your heart lurching as you thought about meeting Chris. It had been a busy few days, so you hadn't been able to meet him, only texting and calling. He'd been busy at work as well, so it had been the longest you'd gone without talking, making you realise how much you'd missed him. Was that normal in a relationship? You'd never had a relationship last for more than a year, and even then you never felt like you did with Chris. It was weird. And exciting. And a little scary. You woke up, a skip in your step as you began to get ready for work.

It had been an exceptionally good day. The meetings went well, your manager was pleased with your work and your coworkers were slowly becoming very good friends.

Evening came, and brought with it pre-date jitters. Sure, you'd been on many dates with him till now, but you felt this to be different. It was kind of a big step, and you didn't want to mess it up by scaring him or freaking him out. Taking deep breaths, you calmed down and started getting ready, picking out a red dress and your Louboutins. You looked taller with them and let's face it, it really showed your ass off. Not that that mattered, you thought to yourself. Or did it? Was it finally time to take the next step? Because even God knew you were ready for it. And longing for it.

The bell rang and with it, so did your heart flutter. You were gonna take a cab but Chris insisted on driving you, stubborn man that he was.

You opened the door, completely floored at what you saw. Chris looked different. He looked...hot. Not that he wasn't hot before, but now he looked really hot, like GQ Men's Issue Cover Hot. He was wearing deep blue jeans with a black dress shirt, his black jacket sitting snugly across his broad shoulders. Honestly, he was sex on legs; quite a departure from his chocolate boy look. There was no doubt about it, you were gonna jump him later on.

"Cat got your tongue, sweetheart?" He teased, raising his eyebrow.

"You look amazing. This is..a pleasant surprise, for sure." You hoped your gawking was taken as a compliment, your cheeks heating.

"Thanks. So do you sweetheart, you look breathtaking." He remarked, placing a gentle kiss on your lips.

"Shall we?"

You were short of words. His house was truly breathtaking. The drive itself was pretty short, about 15 minutes or so. But standing inside the huge place, it was surreal. That instant jolt of deja vu hit you again, but you chose to ignore it. This was your time with Chris, and you didn't want to ruin it by overthinking.

There was a warm feel to the house. It was very him; welcoming, beckoning you to stay. The walls were adorned with pictures of his family, his sisters, his nephews and nieces. It was so adorable. You heard a small bark at the distance, and turning around you saw a tan and white dog run upto you, its tail wagging to the nines. He jumped on you, whining in happiness and excitement. You giggled, petting him and stroking him with matched excitement. He was adorable and lovable, just like his owner.

"And who is this handsome young man?"

"This is Dodger, my boy. Though he seems to have forgotten his manners!" The latter remark was meant for Dodger, who was still whining and pacing around the room, unable to contain his joy.

"Whoa! Anyone would think he's seeing me after a long time; the way he's whining! What a good boy!"

You didn't notice Chris' smile falter a bit, oblivious about the words that were spoken. He felt a pang of hurt but was happy, at the same time. It was bittersweet; a reunion of sorts, but one of you didn't know the other. He watched as you sat down to give Dodger belly pats and rubs, kissing him softly on his snout. Dodger whimpered, licking every inch of your face and hands.

"Dodge, c'mon buddy, behave. Go get your toy, fetch!"

You giggled, sputtering after the intense love attack. Chris laughed, snapping a few pics for good measure.

"Why don't you get cleaned up, there's a bathroom right down the hall, in my room. I'll get dinner ready till you do."

You walked down the hallway, taking in the various showpieces and ornaments adorning the walls. You really loved the feel of this house. It was like you'd been here all your life.

Walking into the bathroom, you washed your hands but noticed a lack of a drying towel. Typical man, you thought dryly.

"Chris? Is there a drying towel or something here?"

"Uhhhh yeah, just try the drawer by the fireplace." He shouted, distracted.

Sifting through the different chests of drawers, you hunted for a towel, trying not to see his stuff. You were sure he'd not mention it, but there were some boundaries you had to maintain, no matter how open he was. Or seemed to be.

After rifling through his drawer for a minute, you finally found a napkin, albeit your hands were already dry. Oh well, you thought, better late than never.

Shaking your head, you went to close the drawer, but it wouldn't budge. Trying again, you shoved harder, eager to get back to the dinner. Frustrated, you dug through the drawer to find the source of obstruction, your hands feeling a wooden frame. You pulled it out, curiosity getting the better of you. You wished you hadn't, though. Because what you saw shook you to your very core. You felt like you would collapse to the floor.

"Heyyy, dinner's almost ready, I've put in an extra loaf of garlic bread in case I eat too much.." Chris trailed off, astonished by your tense stance and lack of words.

"Sweetheart...? Is everything..ok?"

You couldn't bring yourself to answer him. You didn't know if you should be scared, or hurt, or angry. All you knew is that you wanted to be away from him. Your legs moved as if detached from your mind, each step taking you further away from him. You could faintly hear his voice calling out to you, but you didn't stop. You didn't stop walking till you reached his door, opening it, letting the bitterly cold breeze attack you; mirroring the numbness you felt inside. There was only one thing playing in your mind over and over again, in a loop.

The photo of you and Chris, kissing passionately on a beach.

He knew who you were. He'd known all along.

AAAGH SORRY DON'T KILL ME PLS BUT YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT🥺💓😭 hope y'all like it, my pre-publishing jitters are setting in and I'm not sure if people will like it or not😔🥺💓

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erenxneya · 3 years

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It’s You.

Pairing: Armin Arlert x reader.

Warnings: angst, mentions of a suicide attempt, not proofread

Word count: 1.9k

A/n: I wrote this late at night yesterday (on Wattpad) so I apologize for any mistakes.

You're egocentric.

You only care about yourself. Selfish, even.

You don’t care about anything or one.

…do you?

...

You stood in front of the vivid ocean, such a bright color at nightfall. The sand felt warm under your feet despite the cold weather that was usually around during the night. The sky was a bright blue, the water matching in color.

Your bow moved up and down against the strings connected to the violin, an elegant melody emitting from it. You felt at comfort while battling the ocean, fighting over who can make a more peaceful sound. You were reaching the end of the song you played, the boy behind you letting out a small sigh. He watched you the whole time— from when you first began to play and now the end.

"Armin," You whispered as you played. His eyes opened— the same eyelids that were droopy from the late hour. He stood from the sandy bottom. The boy was beautifully shaded from the night sky— he looked too good to be real. A painting, even.

"Hm?" He responded, staring straight into the back of your head with pure admiration. Even amid your playing, you separated the bow from the violin and looked back at him.

"Do you feel safe?" You asked, your body fully turning towards him. In his eyes, you looked like a clear photograph. He would capture this moment if he could— you looked so... calm. He loved that about you— no matter what the situation, you always were tranquil.

"Yes, of course I do. Why wouldn't I?" He took a step closer, the sand beneath him crunching in the process. As he got a better look at you, he saw how your eyes looked sad. Despite your relaxed voice, you looked worried. You always did.

"...I heard it’s bad luck when I’m around," You gave him a light chuckle at the end, your arm falling to your side. You looked up at the sky as you felt your knees begin to feel weak.

"I guess we just weren't meant to meet."

"Wh-Why?" He almost shrieked. His arms flew up to his chest in a panic— he thought you were going to abandon him like you always did.

He was scared— scared of the things you do. You're known to be hidden— like every piece of information about you is just out of reach. You're so mysterious, but he likes that about you. You keep to yourself, but he wished you didn't. You scare him every day— he's scared of the outcome of your absentminded efforts.

Especially times like this, when you just stopped caring. Caring about what you say to others, that is. The words you speak leave such an impact on him that he wished he could tell you about, but he can't. He knows how much it would break you, telling you that you're in the wrong. He cares so much about you that it destroys everything around him.

So hearing this makes him break. It's like he's attached to you— you're his only thing left. He can't lose you now, what else would he do? Why weren't you both meant to meet? He thinks of it as an amazing coincidence to have met such a wonderful person.

"...Our relationship hurts, Armin," You muttered, ashamed of the words coming out of your mouth. You both are only friends in a one-sided relationship. It hurts you to see how much he cares for you, a waste of space, in your eyes. It hurts to see how devoted he is to you, how you can't do anything in return because you're too damn insecure about yourself that you don't want to leave a bad impression just because of the things you might say.

He stayed silent as you paused. The wind blew against you both, making you shiver quite a bit. You weren't sure why you were out here with him. You could've been doing better things, but you just care about him too much not to.

"It really does," You finally continued. "I don't know why we're still here together when we should be apart."

"S-So what are you trying to say?" He asked in worry— worry about the same abandonment he's feared ever since your relationship began. Maybe he's just too reliant on you. He loves you so much but you don't have a clue. It's becoming a toxic relationship— you're pushing him away only for him to come closer.

"I'm saying that we should stop being friends." You finished, your knees finally giving out. He was already an arm's length away from you, so he grabbed you to stop your fall, making your violin the only thing that hits the ground. You couldn't make eye contact with him. You couldn't see the sad blue eyes that were filled with complete sorrow that could make you tear up once you saw them. He had that sort of impact on you— the one only toxic relationships may have.

"What...? We... We are meant to be together!" He cried out, his voice slowly beginning to break as he whimpered. "You promised..."

"..." You were at a loss of words. What could you say that wouldn't hurt him even more than he already was? He held you so tightly yet so carefully like you were a fine porcelain doll— so fragile and soft, so hurting him like this would feel like he can break you in a million pieces.

"Go on, what are you so afraid of?" He suddenly yelled, his voice filled with such great distress. You could tell he was enraged— not with anger, but with sadness. You were his only friend since childhood, so talking to him about this was sure to make him feel some sort of sorrow.

"Just say what you think already, dammit...!"

"..." You still avoided eye contact with the blonde boy above you. It would break you too much to see the tears slowly falling from his canal. You even felt a small, cold droplet on your cheek, something that would've made you sob if you weren't so emotionally strong at the moment.

"...I don't want to hurt you," You finally responded in a hushed voice. You could hear the small sniffles emitting from his nose, the arm holding you up on your waist coming up to his eyes. He was gently holding your head in his palm as if you were a newborn baby, so fragile and precious to him.

"What, you don't think you already have?" He then bent down to the sand, your body following suit. He let you go, making you sit and look up at him. He was wiping his tears away with the bottom of his palms before he looked directly into your eyes with a small smile.

"It's alright. I'll do anything for you either way."

...

It's been another dreadful night since then. You've cut off almost all contact with him, the only exception being your phone's built-in messaging app. He only texted you one thing last night when you got home;

"I love you."

You don't know where the sudden rush of guilt and disgust came from, and you weren't happy about it. You were guilty of how much of an impact the simple phrase you said left on him, and disgusted how easy it would be for him to do anything for him. He was almost infatuated with you that it was disgusting.

You lie in bed— the same bed Armin would occasionally sleep with you in. The same bed you both would talk at night about your problems, about your emotions, and about your daily life. He never cared too much about himself to actually speak about it, but he was such a great listener and responder. He knew just the right words to say and when to say it— something you barely knew how to do. You were verbally impulsive and you knew it. He's told you himself, but you lashed out on him afterward. No matter how pissed-off you get at him— how much you verbally abuse him, he still comes racing back to you. But why?

You let a single sob mixed with a scoff come out from your mouth just thinking about him. You missed him, of course you did. You meant the things you said, though. It would be better for your mental health if he was truly gone from your life.

You rolled over on your side, your mind clouded with memories of the boy. It felt like a breakup and you hated it. But you hated how when he said I love you, you couldn't even respond. You're too careless about him. But you also want someone else— you know it would completely break his heart if he knew. You know he would never forgive you if he saw you smiling with someone else, something he never was able to make you do.

Maybe he scares you, too. You were scared of how generous he was. You hate him for it. You hate him. You hate him You hate him You hate him You hate him You hate him. You hate him so much but you're too needy for him. No, you're too needy for the comfort he's able to supply. The comfort you can't find unless he's near. You hate him so much that it eats up your insides. You hate him so much that it's probably the cause of your toxicity. You hate him for all of the positive things he does to you— that he does for you, that you could never bring yourself to give back because you're so damn selfish.

"That's probably why you're depressed," Armin said after hearing what's on your mind. "You think too toxic. It's hurting you and you know it. You're just too afraid to do something about it, right?"

He sat on your bed with his finger on his chin. You listened intently about what he had to say which was something you rarely did. He was making sense— you were quite the toxic one, and that's probably why you've been depressed for the past 3 years.

"It's probably the cause of your suicide attempt, too. You can't think straight, and that's what being toxic is doing to you. It's like a facade that's hiding the real you."

"We don't need to talk about that..." You muttered, but he shook his head.

"No, we do. F/n, you can't keep brushing things like this to the side. That's why you're still depressed after 3 whole years. I care about you so much, you know? I'd hate if keeping everything to yourself led to your end."

That's right. He cares for you so much that you're now filled with pure disgust. Why does he love you so much? However, your body is doing otherwise.

You grabbed your phone from your nightstand— the Notification Center still empty as usual. You weren't thinking straight— you opened Armin's messages and began typing. Why? You hate him. You shouldn't be wasting your time talking to him. But you do. You care for him. But you hate him.

You sighed, letting out a breath you seemed to be holding in before closing your phone once again and shutting your eyes. You feel at ease, like a heavy weight was just lifted off of your shoulders.

"I love you too."

#armin oneshot #armin x reader #armin arlert #Armin aot #armin fanfiction #armin angst #uhhh #anime angst #angsty #angsty fanfic #ummmm #idk what else to put so yeah

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minahoeshi · 3 years

Text

to be yours and you, mine.

Kuroo Tetsurō x reader | just pure angst. so much angst.

warning: major character death

prelude: the end lets its presence be known before it comes around. At times, that sense of awareness feels like a blessing. But with you and Tetsurou, the reminder of what soon will come can only hurt you even further. Because mankind has never been powerful enough to do anything against so many things. We have always been weak in the face of nature. especially against the passage of time and all the things it keeps taking from us.

It's almost odd how the world changed when you realised what the moments of silence has reduced your relationship into. How, when you finally acknowledged the fact that perhaps the end of a prolonged short story is nearer than you'd rather believe, a filter seemed to slip off of the camera, along with the vibrance you never realised was raised too high. It's not like the frames suddenly are less colourful. It's just that the tinges of blue in the shadows and highlights have made themselves more obvious, like a sign waiting for you to conclude things yourself.

Maybe it's because it's the new years and new beginnings just seem so scary. Or maybe it's the ice in the air, or the meteorologist on the television announcing that it's 7°C that morning that makes the lack of warmth between you and him more unbearable. But you wake up to the silence of the world, not even the birds are around to fuss above your house. To the empty space beside you, a reminder of his message three days ago.

Tetsu(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

I'm staying with my family this new year. Okaa-san thinks I need to spend 'the end of the year and the beginning of a new one with those that made such days possible for me'. You know, her usual line to remind me of their importance. Miss you.

Let's video call on new year's eve, yeah?

received 9:26

He did call you last night. Not the video call he promised, but a voice call on Line. But you didn't answer. If he asked why, you would've told him you were with your friends in a shrine celebrating new years with prayers for a better future for one another, drinking sake, and walking the streets of Shibuya with your girls and gays and the one guy friend that everyone wonders how he ended up in the group.

It didn't hurt that he only called you once and never tried again. It didn't hurt that he didn't ask why. But fuck was it painful to hear the voicemail.

"Happy new year, Y/N san. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll be there with you, I promise. I love you. So much."

It's scary and painful how his voice seemed to waver. How it was shaky and devoid of his usual timbre, a ghost of what once was a joking and rarely serious tone that took light of most situations. His voice that you loved so much, absent because maybe he knew too.

Maybe he was aware that no saving can be done to bring forth the past as if it was the present. To rebuild the broken and to remind you both of what you had all these years. To you and him, the signs couldn't be more obvious. When the world crumbles, you don't save it. You kiss it goodbye and go on to search for a new one. One that won't break with you in it. (but you know you won't search. you never do.)

You spend the next hours awake. The consciousness, unwanted. You want so much to just fall down as if the darkness can just swallow you and you'd be happier in it. In silence, you might feel better.

But you can't help the way your brain works. You bask in the reminiscing, the present disappearing before you until it's the past that owns you.

It's not the memories that grabs hold of you but him in his entirety. You cry because you will miss all that he is. The lazy tone he uses when he feels comfortable beside you on the couch. The humour he finds in everything, even in chemistry which is crazy because nothing about chemistry is comical. The messy hair he refuses to tame because he loses his identity, a piece of him, his pride and legacy when his hair looks neat. You'll miss his hand on your back when you're walking outdoors, his iced coffee with a secret ingredient that is probably not really a secret, his hugs when you feel yourself falling in the deep hole of misery, his excitement when he speaks of volleyball, his pride when he talks about his achievements, his— all of him. You'll miss all of him. Too much.

Kuroo spends the car ride thinking of you. Reminding himself to remind you of all that you must remember. To hold your hand tight for as long as he can until he can't.

He reminds himself of the things he love so much about you. Of your unequaled patience and trust in him. Of your ability to strip him of all his bad so that he can only see his good. Of your laughter when he speaks of his day as comically as possible. Of the mornings he wakes up beside you. Of your— everything. All that you are.

Because as the car nears your house, he feels himself crumble. Because he just knows what is about to come. So he must keep in him all your good and bad to be grounded. To stay long enough.

Kuroo stays in the car and stared at the door. The door that opens slowly and reveals you in your scarf and windbreaker. Beautiful. You in all your tear-stained glory, your nose and ears red. He stares as you step into the snow and approach him. He stares as you knock on the window.

And so he opens the door.

You break again the moment you see him. You wish to be strong for him. He doesn't deserve your sadness and weakness but he told you to let yourself be. That your tears are better seen than hidden. Because it helps him and you know how you are feeling. So that he doesn't have to walk around eggshells because you both expose all your vulnerability to one another.

So you fall on his knees. You dont wait for him to get out. You cry on his lap and you know he cried with you. You fall apart together. The same way you built each other to be whoever you two are today, you both break each other.

You say, Testu. Tetsu Tetsu Tetsu Tetsu. He says it's fine, he's fine. He leans and kisses your head and you cry more the same way he does as he hugs you from above. I'm sorry, you say. I should've answered your call, you say.

But I was scared. I was too scared.

And you both know. You fear the same thing. Because as Kuroo is placed on his wheelchair with your help and Kenma's who has been with you two since the very beginning. He leaves both of you because he knows that's what's best. He gives Kuroo a hug before he drives away.

He's bone-thin. Dark bags under his eyes, cheekbones too visible, lips too pale— tired. He looked more tired than three days ago, before he suddenly disappeared that day and you felt too much pain because was he gonna leave you that way? Was he not gonna be with you until the very last of everything?

You were thankful he texted you that night. Because you would've gone crazy with all your thoughts. You understood why he had to go home. His family needed him and he needed them. You couldn't be selfish.

That night, you spend hours on your bed with Kuroo. He didn't need the morphine, he tells you. He's okay. But his breathing is ragged and he's sweating. He can't move without hurting. But you don't give him painkillers because he told you so. So instead, you kiss him. You kiss him and tell him you love him. You tell him you were happiest with him. He doesn't talk much. But the last he said before you both slept was, "I love you too. More than anything and everything. I love you."

The next morning, you cry harder. This time, all by yourself. Tetsutetsutetsutetsutetsutetsu. He never responds.

You cry harder.

But at the very least, he was still holding your hand.

Tetsu(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

Science is yet to prove the existence of reincarnation so instead of pinning everything on it, I'd rather appreciate this one life I spent loving you. Because there's no other way for me to have lived than to be yours and you mine. This one life is enough for the universe to understand that we are eternity, you and me. Forever.

I love you. I know you love me too.

2:09 am

You

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

5:27 am

Okaa-san - mother

Tetsu - nickname for Kuroo from his first name, Tetsuro. In Japan, cute nicknames are more common than endearments like honey or love.

Shibuya - a city or special ward in the prefecture, Tokyo.

Sake - Japanese alcohol made of rice and other ingredients.

Line - most used messaging app in Japan.

Thanks for reading!

#haikyuu #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu reader insert #haikyuu fanfic #haikyuu fic #haikyu x reader #haikyuu angst #kuroo tetsuro #kuroo #kuroo imagine #kuroo reader insert #kuroo fanfic #kuroo fic #kuroo x reader #kuroo angst #nekoma

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donutloverxo · 4 years

Text

My moon and stars

**not my gif**

Please note that my work is not to be reposted or published anywhere other than my Tumblr or AO3 account without my permission. Reblogs are most welcome though!

Note - this is for @our-marvel-universe's birthday! I'm so sorry I'm late and that I'm bad at summaries.

Divider by @writeyourmindaway

Date posted - 26-08-20/Wed

Summary - Steve swoops in and saves your birthday with some stargazing and confessions.

Pairing - Steve Rogers x reader

Word count - 1386

Masterlist is linked in the bio!

You groaned as another person bumped into you, spilling a good amount of their drink on you. They didn't even bother apologizing, probably thinking that you're just a nobody, even though this was your party.

You had never had a huge birthday bash before or tons of presents, you were so naively excited when Tony told you he was throwing you one and inviting the whole city. You felt for some reason, they're here because they care for you or the super hero work you do everyday.

You couldn't be more wrong. Most of them didn't even know you. Your own family and friends, other than the Avengers had failed to show up. Now you could only look at the crowd of people and shake your head in disappointed.

Resisting the urge to punch Tony in his stupid face when he so smugly asked, 'You like the party?'

You would've, despite everything, but he wasn't here. He was gone on some stupid mission. Not that you cared that much. He wasn't yours, he didn't need to wish you a happy birthday or attend your party. You still couldn't help but hold out hope that you'd both stop dancing around each other.

No longer interested in the party where even the people you knew were completely drunk you made your way over to your favorite part of the compound.

You held on to your jacket a little tighter as you shivered, the wind messing up your fancy hairstyle. You looked up at the sky to see so many twinkling stars and beautiful colors, something you don't get in cities. You wouldn't trade this view for anything.

You instantly became alert when you heard someone stand behind you. You looked over your shoulder to see the man of your dreams, your captain, someone you had a hopeless schoolgirl crush on.

"Hey." Was all he said giving you a pathetic wave as you huffed.

Folding your hands over your chest you asked "Where were you? You didn't even tell me you were leaving. Not - not that I'd care why would I?" You stammered as you feared you had just accidentally revealed your deepest secret. "You're not that important Steve!" You yelled in an effort to backtrack.

He furrowed his brows before giving you a stupidly handsome smile, "I'm so sorry doll. But I'm here now. Tell me how I can make it up to you."

"Whatever. It doesn't matter." You said dejectedly as you turned around to lean against the railing and continue your stargazing.

"I just knew you'd be here when I didn't see you at the party.” He mumbled under his breath as he stood next to you. You could see him staring at you through your peripheral vision. “What’s wrong kid?”

You winced at the nickname. That’s what he thought of you, that’s all you’ll ever be to him. A Kid. Over the months, you had tried your best to act like an adult, taking some tips from Maria and Nat, to be cool and non-chalant, you doubted he’ll ever change his mind and think of you as a woman or a possible romantic partner.

You shook your head which only made him probe further. “Doll. You’re sulking on your own birthday. You can talk to me.” He assured you putting his hand over yours.

The warmth of his palms and his finger drawing patterns on the back of your hand felt so familiar and comfortable. You tried looked for his sparkly blue eyes best you could in the dark, his pupils blown wide.

“I used to think... I know this is childish but I thought - I don’t know people appreciated me putting my life on the line everyday. And that’s not why I do it obviously.” You had to clarify. You could pretend to hate him but you never wanted him to have a low opinion of you. “It’s just sad that no one sees the work that I do while you’re all so well known and beloved. It’s sucks to be a female avenger I guess” You shrugged.

He gave you an understanding smile and walked a step closer to you as you tried to calm your heartbeat. “I understand. It’s not childish. You deserve to be appreciated. And I can think of at least a couple hundred people who’re thankful to you. All the lives you’ve saved. You make the world a better place.”

“I don’t know how true that is.”

“Well you make my world better just by being here.” He argued.

“Steve,” You shook your head, “You can’t just say things like that! I’m not – it gives me false hope.”

“False hope?” He repeated cocking his head to the side. “I only ever speak the truth sweetheart. In fact I think it’s time for your gift.” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to you.

You frowned as you tried to read the paper in the low lightening. “Oh... Steve.. you named a star after me?” You looked up at him to see him sheepishly scratch his neck. “That’s so romantic.” You sighed dreamily holding the document close to you.

“I asked around and Bruce told me I could do that. I could even get you a piece of moon but this felt more appropriate. I know how much you love stars.”

He rambled on about the whole process and how his assistant helped him, hoping you wouldn’t see notice how red he was. His gift wasn’t completely selfless. He had an objective, to make you his forever and ever. But he was too scared to ruin the relationship you two did have and lose a precious friend.

Bucky’s words echoed in his head ‘Real men can admit their feelings.’

He cleared his throat “I was hoping –“ he was cut off by your cool lips pressing against his, stealing his breath away. His hands naturally went to your waist to pull you closer to him, his taut body craving the warmth of your soft one.

You pulled away after a beat and blinked up at him. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think I thought...”

“No no I liked it. In fact I was hoping to do that.” His fingers traced the outline of your lips.

“Good.” You nodded not sure of what to say next. But it felt better to just not say anything at all and look back up at the beautiful sky in comfortable silence.

Until the whole team decided to ambush you from, you heard Clint and a drunk Tony sneaking up on you, they really weren’t as sneaky as they thought but you still humored them by acting surprised.

“What the hell girrrl? We’ve been looking everywhere for you. But then I was like we can just ask FRIDAY! So we did.” Tony grinned proudly as his words slurred.

You took the beer bottle away from him “Yeah I’m going to cut you off now.”

“What were you doing here though?” Clint asked and you said something about needing air.

Steve couldn’t help but stare at you as you talked to the rest of the team. Feeling a bit of jealousy and even frustration that they all had to interrupt the precious moment you both shared.

“Did you do it punk?” Bucky asked slapping a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.

“Uh yeah. I mean I didn’t – she did.” He replied lowly so no one else could find out just yet.

“Of course she did.” Steve frowned as his oldest friend clutched his stomach, laughing loudly at him. “After all these years you still haven’t changed.” He shook his head and all Steve could do was smile. “I’m happy for you.” He said and meant it, so proud of his friend.

When Steve was finally able to get you alone, glad that your mood had gotten considerably better, you even seemed to be a bit buzzed from the booze.

“You were right Steve.” You said holding onto his arm treating him like your own personal heater as the night got cooler. “Everyone who matters to me does appreciate me. Especially you.” You leaned up on your tippy toes to peck his lips before scurrying off to tell everyone about the star named after you.

Tags will be in the reblog! Click the link in the bio to be join the taglist or shoot me an ask/dm. Comments and feedback are really appreciated! ❤❤

#steve rogers x reader #steve x reader #steve rogers x female reader #steve rogers x female!reader #captain america x you #captain america x reader #chris evans x you #chris evans x reader

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incorrecttwoset · 4 years

Text

Lesson time with Dani:

youtube

I think the lesson we all learned here today is that I probably shouldn't look down on kpop too much. But then, I have listened to a lot of vocaloid and read along with the lyrics which get pretty intense sometimes. I would give examples but Prof. Nic has gone through many a phase and I cannot remember all of them. (And some i dont want to remember)

So, lets get on with the... songs? Pieces? Lyrics? Shall we?

1. Opera: Verdi - La Travita, Aria: Sempre Libera (Always Free), Character: Violetta. Lol i seriously thought that this was a pop song I havent heard of. But when i realized how this game was gonna go, aka when they revealed that it was opera and a translation thing, i stepped up my guessing game. But like SERIOUSLY THOOOOO. Who could've known? (Probably the singer or a person who actually understands the language) But damn son. Quiz-sama ain't playin aROUND.

2. Pop: Arianna Grande - Imagine. When i read the lyrics, i knew iMMEDIATELY. Why wouldn't I when I live with a sister who blared this fucking sing day in and out. (No offense sis, no offense Arianna) But like, when i saw that Twoset thought this was an opera? Oh bOI. Thank goodness I'm great at controlling my reactions. Because fam, I would've laughed my ass off in disbelief like what the fuck. I'd understand Brett's ignorance but Eddy too? Damn. (Brett's lofi intensifies)

3. Pop: Billie Eilish - . I honestly thought that this was like- okay, my thought process had phases. First sentence I thought "okay this sounds like that one Arianna Grande song." When I got to the "set fire" part, I thought "adele?" And then when i read "burn", i thought "is this that really old song? The "and im gonna let it burn burn burn" thing?" As you can see, all my song guesses were wrong. At least I got the genre. And like me, the bois were learning. (Cue that bear grylls meme)

4. Opera: Tchaikovsky- Eugene Onegin, Aria: Ya lyublyu vas, Olga (I love you, Olga), Character: Lensky. Like what Eddy said, this one's pretty obvious. Also, "I can see why people like opera now. I'm getting old." "Why yes, I do love opera as well." I say, a not legally an adult person. But like, seriously tho. Opera is good. Granted, I havent listened to a lot and to be frank the only opera I've listened to all the way is the Magic Flute but like- its good stuff. Only thing I want is to be able to appreciate it better. (Also check out Patricia Janeckova's recording of the Doll Song. I love it, its wonderful)

5. Opera: Donizetti - Lucia di Lammermoor, Aria: Il Dolce Suono (The Sweet Sound), Character: Lucia. I'll admit that Eddy's singing threw me off a lil but I guessed opera. With... not a lot of conviction. Sounded like something Lana del Rey would write okay.

6. Opera: Mozart - Don Giovanni, Aria: Madamina, il catalogo e questo (Dear lady, this is the list), Character: Leporello. I thought that this was either some really obscure rap, or weird opera. I couldn't decide so I just let it play out. When I saw it was opera, I was confused. Then, I wasn't because I saw that Mozart wrote it. I swear, Mozart would make a killing as a rapper or some kind of foulmouthed idol if he was born in modern times. Also, small Edwina and Brettany cameo!!!!!

7. Opera: Bizet - Carmen, Aria: Tout Doux, Moniseur (Softly, Sir), Character: Carmen. Honestly, by this point of the video (when I watched it for the first time) I was just straight guessing opera. Although, if the lyrics were rephrased, this line could fit in perfectly somewhere in a pop song. And also, I did not expect the dRAMATICNESS of the singing when they played that excerpt. Like, wOW OKAY. I mean it makes sense for Carmen as a character... and the language they used it in... and the style of opera... okay I really can't say anything about the extraness can I?

8. Pop: Billie Eilish - No time to die. I knew it was pop. (Rhyme scheme and lyric pattern and subject matter too predictable babey) But the fact that it was by Billie Eilish was what confused me. Idky, but them lyrics givin me Taylor Swift vibes. Or Lana del Rey vibes if you slow it down and make it "dreamy".

9. KPOP: Blackpink - Kill this love. This one was sUUUUUPER ambiguous to me. It was very eloquent and poetic in a sense. But then it also gave out pop vibes. I couldn't answer though I leaned more towards opera. But when i saw that it was Blackpink's Kill this love? My brain melted out my ears. I mEAN ITS IN KOREAN ITS A TRANSLATION THING. That still doesn't excuse the fact that im very- aSDFGHJKL about it.

10. Opera: Dvorak - Rusalka, Aria: Mesicku na nebi hublokem (Song to the moon), Character: Rusalka. This one was very obviously opera to me. But dem kpop lyrics threw me for a loop man! I went opera but yall, I was dOUBTING.

11. Pop: Charlie Puth - Attention. Was there really any need to guess this one? Although, if you've never been exposed to pop music and are hearing them for the first time then thats okay. We're all learning.

12. Opera: Mozart - Cosi Fan Tutte (All Women Do It), Aria: In Uomini in Soldati (In men, in soldiers), Character - Despina. I sincerely thought that this was a really obscure rap. And I wasn't surprised when it said that Mozart wrote this opera. (His creepy smiling face tho...)

13. Pop: Justin Bieber - Sorry. Like I said in number 11, was there really any need to guess. And Brett's (albeit braindead) singing of Super Junior's Sorry Sorry is- aUGHCK MY STAN HEART. I WAS ALREADY SLAUGHTERED BY HIM WEARING THE VIOLIN BUTTON UP AND HIS ADORABLENESS AND HIS DADDYNESS OTHER NON ADORABLE QUALITIES. Ughhhhh. Jesus christ i really have to simp for Brett in each of these posts huh?

14. Pop: Taylor Swift - Delicate. I thought that this was fOR SURE an Arianna Grande song. Because of that one song with the sleep thing. But ugh, Eddy's assumption of the song was just too good not to be mentioned. (And also because i need to fill these paragraphs but like- dat voice dow) And oh gOD SEEING THEM LAUGH TOGETHER AND VIBE LIKE THAT? IM- wow look I just died of blood loss.

15. KPOP: BTS - On. Brett picking opera and falling off his chair is me. Quiz-sama. Mercy. Mercy pLEASE. Dude, translated kpop is intense.

Also editor-san was on fIRE TONIGHT. The sass was very string today. Fuck, i LOVE IT. Wait. Holy shit I just realized something. Editor-san, subtitler-san, and quiz-sama. The holy trinity of subtle twoset humor and behind the screen action. The cast is huge and i am a simp for all of them.

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stateofgrace1303 · 5 years

Text

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

#taylurking #taylorswift #taylorstans #taylornation #red #redtour #edsheeran #lymedisease #dysautonomia #taylorlurking #i love you taylor #tay #usertaylornotices #tswift

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Jac & Amelia

Jac: Are you okay? My parents would've paid for a cab if they weren't sober enough to drive you back Amelia: My dad was [somewhere nearby cos JJ live in town] Jac: Oh, right Jac: you seized your opportunity then, alright Jac: Is still should've gone with to make sure Amelia: I didn't want her to, she was in too excitable a mood Jac: lol, can't really fault you that Jac: you got a headache, yeah? Amelia: I got the aura so I knew it was time to leave, last time I ignored that I was sick everywhere Jac: That's fair Jac: you do not want that unless you've had a really wild night Amelia: sorry I didn't say bye Jac: well that's okay, if you didn't have time Jac: we were just worried Amelia: is Is okay? I was probably a bit rude to her Jac: Don't worry, she seems fine Jac: you know her Amelia: yeah Amelia: alright cool Jac: make sure you stay hydrated, yeah Jac: and no more screentime Amelia: I'll 😴 it off if I can Jac: Sounds like a plan 🙂 Amelia: it sounds 😕 but I couldn't stay Jac: you can't help that you get migraines Jac: it must be so crap for you Amelia: we've all got crap to deal with Amelia: I wouldn't swap Sav for hers Jac: 😢 I know Jac: she deals so well, considering how fresh it all is Amelia: Where's her boyfriend at? It's not technically a night you can get away with chucking fireworks at your mates or cars Jac: Out on the lash with his mates Jac: or something Amelia: very supportive Jac: yeah, I know Jac: oh well, she had us Amelia: you, you mean Jac: are you not her friend too? Amelia: that's up for debate, but she'd win it over me Amelia: so it probably depends what she wants the answer to be Amelia: and who's asking Jac: She definitely views you as a friend Amelia: okay Jac: No, come on, you don't think she does? Amelia: I know she doesn't Jac: Why do you think that? Amelia: I know it because she's said a handful of words to me lately & all of them are in some way bitchy or patronising Jac: How many have you said to her? Jac: and how nice have you been to her? Amelia: I don't like her, I'm not going to act like I do Jac: Then the issue is a you thing, isn't it Jac: Savannah does like you, and it's not really on to say you know otherwise, simply because that's how you feel about her Amelia: no, it's a me and her clash Amelia: it isn't one-sided Jac: Okay, if you say so Jac: but I don't see her trying to start anything with you, and like I said, I've told you she's told me privately that she likes you Jac: she knows you aren't her biggest fan though Amelia: she would say that to you Jac: Now you're being ridiculous Amelia: no I'm not, she wants me to look like I'm the dickhead and it's clearly working Jac: well no, what she wants is friends who can support her through this tough time and not make her life any more shit Jac: I really do not think she has the time, never mind the desire, to play games to make you look like some kind of villain ??? Jac: we seriously do not need to be that dramatic about things Amelia: fine Jac: it clearly isn't but I'm not going to agree with you Jac: you're not feeling well right now, you're just lashing out Amelia: you sound as patronising as her now Jac: for giving you an excuse for your behaviour? Jac: it's being gracious Amelia: I don't need to be fucking excused Amelia: I haven't done anything wrong Jac: You're being rude to Savannah and now you're being rude to me Jac: you're attacking and saying you're being attacked Jac: just calm down and we can come back to this when you aren't in such a state Amelia: yeah because she's the only one whose dramatics you indulge Amelia: I haven't been rude to her, I've made an effort Amelia: it doesn't change my opinion Jac: You're accusing her of having some plot right now, also of not liking you, being bitchy and patronising...yeah, that's rude, Amelia Jac: and oddly enough, when she went off crying, it was not about you Jac: call it dramatics if you want, but I'd say her home life situation warrants more empathy and listening to than whatever this idea, about us being against you or something, that you've concocted does Amelia: I'm not on her radar when she isn't subtly slagging me off or wishing I'd fuck off, obviously it wasn't about me Amelia: the latter is way less subtle though Jac: You're right in that I'm not indulging this Jac: you're just wrong, that's it Jac: but if you won't listen to reason, and me, then there's nothing else I can do to change your mind Amelia: you wanting me to be wrong doesn't make me wrong Jac: you having no proof for her dislking you, bar the fact you dislike her, doesn't make it true Jac: if you want to walk around thinking people have a problem with you when they don't, that's your call Jac: it's sad but it's clearly an internal issue Amelia: there's proof in every group chat if you want to go back & read it Jac: the fact you're in a group chat together, to plan to do stuff, to talk, kinda negates that Amelia: no it doesn't Jac: totally, when you hate someone and want them to fuck off, you choose to spend time talking to them when you don't have to Amelia: she doesn't spend any time talking to me Jac: well it isn't a private chat Jac: do you expect her to ignore me and Is? Jac: if you wanna have a 1x1 she'd be more than happy, like Amelia: Oh, she ignores Is plenty Amelia: but that's not my fight to have Jac: 🙄 I can assure you, we understand how DMs work Jac: if we wanted to talk just us, we would, and do Jac: and Is seems fine to me, like I said Amelia: great Jac: 🤷 okay then Amelia: 👋 Jac: I hope you feel better when you wake up Amelia: thanks Jac: Night Amelia: goodnight Jac: [hope you do go to sleep so you don't see those gay ass stories] Amelia: [you know she will because she's not actually sick soz gal] Jac: [i mean, you do have 24 hours so bit of a long shot when you're this in love lol] Amelia: [everyone gonna be seeing it including Ty who has been lowkey ignored all night as well] Amelia: [we should say she writes something but then deletes it so Jac only knows she deleted it for the sheer gay drama of it] Jac: [none of y'all got invites to this sleepover, but yes 1000%] Jac: ? Amelia: 🤨 Jac: butt-dial? Amelia: why would I be sitting on my phone? Amelia: I'm not thrashing about with a 🤒 Jac: I don't know why you'd delete a message either Jac: unless you sent me something really 💦 meant for someone else, in which case I wanna know anyway Amelia: I can nurse myself Amelia: though there are loads of lads who would put me to sleep Jac: 🙀 Amelia! Amelia: no Amelia: 🥱 NOT whatever you're thinking Jac: Sure 😉😂 Amelia: 😣 Jac: So grouchy Jac: I'd know if you were texting someone Amelia: would you? Jac: of course Jac: what secret have you ever kept from me? Amelia: I didn't need to before Jac: you don't need to now Jac: you aren't going to shock me with your thirst Amelia: I'm staying hydrated like you instructed Amelia: there's nothing to tell, which is why I pressed delete Jac: What did you say? Amelia: if I repeat it there was literally no point in deleting it Amelia: so no, nothing Jac: Well why did you? Amelia: because it's 😳 Jac: how 😳 can it be Jac: we've known each other at our most cringe Amelia: that was us both being awkward not just me making a massive tit of myself Jac: rude Jac: you're meant to disagree Amelia: alright, I'll lie Jac: you're already being very sneaky, you may as well Amelia: okay Jac: no, tell me, dickhead! Amelia: rude Jac: you're rude Jac: you know you can't just take back a message Amelia: I have & I win Jac: you can't do it without leaving evidence Jac: and I'm not just going to drop it Amelia: 🙄 Jac: why are you saying shit to my virtual face then Amelia: how else am I supposed to speak to you? Jac: I'm not going to apparate into your room 'cos you fancy having a go Jac: don't be a baby, what did you say Amelia: maybe I was saying sorry but you're so undeserving I took it back Amelia: that'd be fitting Jac: oh right, your whole conspiracy theory Jac: you forgot for a hot sec you believed in that, yeah, sure Amelia: it's typical of you to only give a shit about what I'm trying to say when I'm not saying it anymore Jac: you left without saying anything earlier Jac: then you wouldn't speak to me 'cos you were in a huff but yeah, pop off Amelia: I didn't have time to search your 🏠 for you earlier Jac: and I said it was okay but don't act like I was ignoring you Amelia: you were Amelia: but I get it, Savannah's in greater need Jac: oh my God, do you actually get it though Jac: like could you Jac: because this is really gross Amelia: of course I do, her parents are mental and it's horrible Jac: I mean, nicely put Jac: so you don't need to be snippy with me about needing to spend like 10 minutes alone so she can talk about it without my whole family standing around Amelia: I was the one who told you, ages ago, so you already know what I mean Amelia: and I'm not, I'm explaining why I left without saying anything before you hold it against me any harder Jac: you aren't just explaining though, because that was never the question Jac: you said I was ignoring YOU Jac: I said it was fine you left, you had a migraine Amelia: because it's not just about 10 minutes alone so she can cry on your shoulder and you fucking know it's not Jac: you don't like her Amelia: she takes over everything, including my birthday Jac: She was just trying to make sure you had a nice time Amelia: then why didn't I? Amelia: if she really cares so much about what I want, why wasn't it perfect? Jac: She's not a miracle worker Jac: I'm just saying she tried, can you fault someone for having good intentions? Amelia: she cares about you two having a good time, she doesn't try with me Amelia: because guess what, chucking money at something doesn't actually count Amelia: you used to know that Jac: you can't say how much she does or doesn't try Jac: maybe she's really trying, and I happen to think she is, and I've got it on better authority than you Jac: as you said, it's not as if she's had close friends before really Jac: you could give her a break instead of being ungrateful about it Amelia: you could give me a break Jac: no, you're being mean Jac: and blaming her for problems you're having Jac: like how dare she treat you? Amelia: the problem is that you used to care how I feel about things and apparently now you don't Jac: I can care without indulging pointless bitchery Jac: if you told me what was actually wrong with you, I'd listen, I'd do whatever I could to help, you know that Amelia: no, you're not listening Jac: You aren't saying anything Jac: you keep slagging Savannah off, and I counter that and then you stop Jac: what is actually going on Amelia: I've been saying the same thing this entire time, for fuck's sake Jac: When you wanna say what's actually going on with you, and think about that in a way that doesn't involve Savannah Jac: then I'm here waiting Amelia: I don't want to spend time with her, I want to spend it with you Amelia: Why can't we literally EVER? Why does she have to be involved in literally everything? Jac: We do spend time without her Jac: but we can't exclude her when she wants to be involved, she's our friend Amelia: she's not my friend Amelia: I'm trying, I am Jac: okay, she's my friend though Jac: we can spend time together, alright Amelia: okay Jac: pick a day, pick something to do, let me know Amelia: sure, put me on the spot Jac: 🙄 god, not RIGHT now Jac: but give me something more committal than that 'okay' or it won't happen Amelia: okay!! Amelia: are you happy now? Amelia: I just said how much I miss you Jac: like I'm that desperate for attention, again, rude Amelia: clearly not if I have to be the one begging you for yours Jac: oh hush Jac: I invited you to something like, literally 5 seconds ago Jac: you were the one that ruined it with your 🤕 Amelia: I didn't mean to ruin anything Jac: I'm joking Jac: I'll survive Amelia: I'm serious Amelia: and sorry, obviously Jac: it's fine, actually fine Jac: you shouldn't worry about it Amelia: if you want me to try harder, I'll try harder, alright Jac: I'd appreciate it Jac: I think she would too, and you Jac: getting along would just be easier Jac: you don't have to be like, her own personally cheerleader Amelia: I can't work miracles either Jac: you said you'd try Jac: I don't know why it's so hard for you but I can't really ask more than that Amelia: you really don't get it? Jac: No, I really don't Amelia: okay Jac: I'll leave you to it Amelia: bye again Jac: You have planning to do Amelia: you love a competition Amelia: what happens if I lose? Jac: What competition? Jac: I'm not planning anything Amelia: so it's a test instead Amelia: it's the same question Jac: we can still hang out, as you asked Jac: I'll just be bored if you pick something boring, I suppose Amelia: when have I EVER picked anything boring? Jac: 🤷 Jac: we'll see Amelia: don't 🤷 at me Amelia: you've never been bored Jac: you're so touchy 😂 Jac: I can't do anything Friday, by the way, so don't pick Friday Amelia: do you want to assign me a day? Jac: Probably Sunday Jac: I'm working after school every other day Jac: Saturday is up in the air right now Amelia: alright Jac: free time is just not a thing I have Amelia: I know, I'm not touchy about that bit Jac: I'm not going to sit here and tell you you're not boring, Amelia Jac: what kind of midlife crisis Amelia: Shut up, I don't need that from you Amelia: I'm well aware Jac: 👉😠 Amelia: you don't need to teach me sign language either Jac: you're gonna side with the 12 year old asshole on that, are you Jac: yeah that's about right mentality wise 🙄 Amelia: according to you there aren't any sides, we're all friends and everything is 🌹y Amelia: so no Jac: Jude isn't our friend, she's my sister and she's a little bitch sometimes Amelia: yeah, again, I know Amelia: Savannah's the one who needs family introductions Jac: She knows who everyone is Jac: you're being so whiny, it's just annoying now Amelia: leave me to it then, that's what you said you were going to do Jac: Yeah, and I definitely will now Jac: christ, is it any wonder I'm not electing to spend time with just you Jac: think about it Amelia: It's already all I think about Amelia: I don't want to fight with you Jac: it's not hard, Amelia Jac: as I said, Savannah doesn't devote her time to bitching about you, or anyone else Jac: nor does she walk around with a massive strop on all the time Amelia: I'm sorry Amelia: what do you want me to say? Jac: Just stop acting like this Amelia: I'm not acting like anything, that's the problem Amelia: it's how I feel Jac: You're gonna have to sort it out Jac: it's not healthy for you Jac: or good for us or anyone else Amelia: I said I'll try Jac: you've got to Jac: it's for your own best interest Amelia: yeah Jac: yeah Amelia: 👋

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your-high-lady · 5 years

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Realisation

AN: Hello, I reside in the lovely country of Aotearoa, more commonly known as New Zealand. That is why the way I've described school/high school differently. It is pretty similar to the US education system but just in case, here are a few guidelines:

-Year 13 is the last year in high school before we go to university. Primary=elemantary, intermediate/senior college=middle/high school.

-I've kinda mixed up the arrangement of the timetables in the US and NZ.

-None of this should cause you to rack your brain because you don't understand what's happening.

Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to the beautiful Sarah J Mass.

—

High School.

Ugh.

I stood three steps away from the threshold. Three steps forward and I would enter my first class in Year 13.

I didn't want to do it, but I also did. I wanted to finish high school so that I could go to college. Since I was thirteen, I'd wanted to just get it over with. Rush through primary, intermediate and then finally senior college. All so that I could fulfil my two dreams. Stanford University and a loving boyfriend. Cheesy, I know. But those were my dreams, deal with it. To study art at Stanford and to find a handsome boy there who would love and cherish me.

The second I knew I wanted to go there, I started saving up. And after five years of saving up every single note and coin I got, I'd finally done it. Yes, I would have to get a small-sized student loan and another loan from my parents(I insisted I give them back their money), but after all that money was put together, I would have enough for my first year plus tuition and then some. Once I settled in I would get a job or two and pay off the loans. It'd be perfect.

But to do those things, I had to finish high school first. So those three steps, I took.

—

Heading to my usual seat at the back, I took out my sketching book. I'd had a dream last of the sunset rising behind snow-capped mountains(I had no idea why) and wanted to get it down on paper before the picture got out my brain.

It barely took a minute before I was completely engrossed with my sketching. In fact, I got so occupied that I didn't realise how much time had passed before the bell rang. Jumping at the loud noise, I quickly shoved my sketching book into my bag and took out my maths book. But instead of taking the roll, the teacher called up a new student. "Tamlin, would you please come up here?" Miss Smith said to the golden-haired boy sitting two rows in front of me. He was quite handsome for his age. He was tan and muscled. I was willing to bet he was a jock, always playing basketball and football and all the other ball-sports. And weirdly enough, I had to resist a gasp when I saw his deep green eyes which were flecked with gold. They were quite pretty and unusual. Miss Smith flicked her red-gold over her shoulder. Everyone knew she was the school's slut-teacher. I shook my head in disgust, wondering why the heck the school still employed her. "Why don't you introduce yourself?" She asked, turning him to face the class. He looked over his shoulder at her, as if nervous, before turning to face the class. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. But he didn't look nervous. He looked as he didn't feel like standing up at the front of the class, as if he were some showpiece to stare at. Understandable. "Umm. My name is Tamlin. I come from Christchurch. My parents decided to move here because of the earthquakes. I love basketball, and was the captain back at home." Knew it.

"Oh, he's so hot. It's like I want to eat him," A sickeningly sweet voice whispered. I slowly, incredulously turned my head to the left to find Ianthe sitting in the chair beside me. If Miss Smith was the teacher-slut, Ianthe was the student-slut. Those two must have slept with at least seventy-five per cent of the school's boy population by now. Can't wait 'till I get to Stanford.

Thankfully, Miss Smith didn't take long to start the class after that.

—

Just because my school wanted to be different then the others, they decided that instead of having a new class for every subject, there will be just one group of students and they will, together, move around to each class. This meant that I had to spend the rest of the day looking at and hearing Ianthe lust over Tamlin. I was the first student out of class when the bell for morning tea rung.

—

Ring!

I smiled to myself. Finally, lunchtime. As I was packing my bag, I heard Ianthe approach Tamlin, followed by her menagerie of friends. "Hey, Tamlin." She purred, twirling her blonde hair around a manicured finger. She had the Look. Mor and I had come up with the term a year or so ago. Whenever she was trying to woo someone or not-so-subtly inviting them to bed, she got the Look. Her eyes glazed and her voice became all breathy, with her skin seeming to glow with arousal. It was disgusting. I pitied Tamlin. "Do you want to come to my pool party tonight? There'll be food, booze, girls." She practically drawled the last part. She had a finger rapidly sliding down his t-shirt covered chest. Tamlin caught before it could go beneath his pants. To my surprise, Ianthe let out the tiniest of whimpers. Tamlin had such a tight grip, her fingers had gone white. "No thank you." He said, smiling tightly, just as his eyes flickered in my direction, sensing my gaze. I blinked and quickly looked down, but not before seeing his lips twitch up in a small smile. I quickly hurried out of the classroom.

I was in third in line, in the cafeteria, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked over my shoulder to find him there. He put his hand out for a handshake, "Tamlin."

My eyes widened before I got them under control. "Feyre," I breathed, taking his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Feyre." His smile was blinding. No one had ever made me this nervous before. I wished Mor or Nesta were here. Or even Elain. But Mor had taken the day off because she was sick. Nesta and Elain were down in Dunedin, studying literature and botany. So that left me. Alone. In front of the most beautiful man, I'd ever seen.

"N-nice to meet you, too." Why, why, why did I have to be such an introvert; why couldn't I be like Mor, all outgoing and loud and confident?

The smile grew, brightening up his face. My breath caught in my throat. "You needn't be so nervous. I'm not going to bite you or anything." I wish you would. His eyebrows rose. Shit, did I say that aloud? He nodded. I clamped my hand over my mouth. I really need to get my mouth under control. He chuckled, took my hand, and kissed my palm. A jolt of electricity ran through my body when his lips came in contact with my skin. It was a surprise enough that I snatched my hand from his, and spun around, probably hitting Tamlin in the face with my hair. The person in front of me was paying for his food. As the cafeteria lady came to serve me, I heard a light chuckle behind. I was unable to suppress my own small grin.

—

Ten and a half months later

Life was amazing, after that.

The week after the meeting, Tamlin sat with me in each class and during break time. He came with me to the art room when I felt like painting, or to the library when I needed to pick up or return a book. He stayed by my side the whole time.

And during all this, I got glares from Ianthe. The whole time, I could feel her rage coming off her in waves. Big, giant tidal waves.

Multiple times, she tried to take Tamlin away. But every time she asked, he turned her down, saying that he would rather spend time with me. I laughed every time, partly because of the expressions that would cross her face, but more because of Tamlin. Every time he told Ianthe no, he would add a word at the end. For example, "No Ianthe, I would rather spend time with the beautiful Feyre." "No thank you, I much rather appreciate the company of pretty Feyre, here." For the first few times, I blushed, looking away. But then it got funny, and I kinda wanted Ianthe to hit on him if only to hear what word he would use.

It was magic. I'd never felt like this. But I'd read about it. This is what I wanted. It was one of my dreams: a beautiful boy who would love and cherish me.

One week after that, he asked me out.

Two and a half weeks after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

One week after that, Ianthe stopped chasing Tamlin and upped the level of her death stares that she was still giving me. She tried to spread rumours about me, but every time they got out of hand, Tamlin shut them down. Either with his bold voice or hard fists.

Eight and a half months after that, we had sex. Were it for him, we would've done it long ago, but I wanted to wait. It was my first time. I couldn't help it; I was nervous. But I couldn't have asked for anything better than what he gave me. It was heavenly. For the first time, I felt like a real teenager, doing things that were normal at my age. Parties, drinking, sex. Of course, the only person I actually had sex with was Tamlin, and I was careful to stay away from the bad stuff like smoking and drugs, despite Tamlin pushing me towards those things. Mum would kill me if I ever did that stuff. Though it did surprise me a bit that Tamlin was into this stuff, what with him being a basketball player and all.

But that's not the point. The point is that I achieved one of my dreams. Yeah, it didn't go exactly as I had planned it, but I'd always believed everything happened for a reason. As did meeting Tamlin.

AN: Please review, it really helps me with motivation. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next chapter is going to be a lot more moving, trust me. Thanks for reading.You may find it surprising(but that not much) where I plan to take this story. Just know that ship Feysand and that this chapter is necessary for the story.

Rowaelin fanfiction:

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rixxy8173571m3w1p3 · 5 years

Text

Out Of The Woods (3/?)

This multi chap fic has been one that I've wanted to write for a while. I'm hoping to connect a few loose ends, since my series is getting closer to the end. Don't worry, I still got a couple of fics left in me. I'd love to thank @xerxezra whose conversations with me are always inspirational. I'd also like to thank @dorkydisappointment whose writing got my creative juice flowing and @hoodoo12 who continues to inspire me all the time. Please check out the wonderful art done by @ravenousscorpian for two scenes out of the second chapter of this fic (Her art found here)

References to the woman in Ricks journal is from my fic What You Found Amongst The Pages. I know, that was shameless self promotion. There are a lot of questions that I wanted to answer in you'd chapter, but for the sake of editing had to put it in the next. I'll work on it right as soon as this is posted. Thanks for everyone's continued support. 😘😘😘😘😘😘

If you haven't read part 1 or part2, then heres a link (Read Chapter 1, Chapter 2)

In this fic the reader tries to uncover the mystery of the artist behind Zeta-7s portrait.

___________________________

Chapter 3: Dare Not Say That Man Forgets Sooner

Whatever redeeming qualities the room held in the previous happy hours were gone, and now even the remnant, lingering daydreams were falling away. With every hour you comprehended the severity of your assumptions and what the consequences were if you decided that enough was enough. Honestly, you didn't want to lose him because Zeta-7 was the light of your life; he expanded your universe and had helped you become a better person, but you could still carry on if you needed to. You had the means, your work, and an ever growing list of books to read, but was it enough, now that you had gotten a taste of the good life? Probably not.

Nothing made sense anymore.

Concerning the current situation, and all which led up to it; if you considered everything which included your existence, life till now, and all he had ever done, then there was no mistaking that he loved you; or had; at least thought he did, but it didn't change the truth of the matter; you hadn't been the first. A few hours had given you time to weep until you thought you had no tears left to cry, but there was still a thick fog over your thoughts and rationality; any shift of emotion being too much to bear. You curled into yourself, aching, hoping you'd disappear, but it didn't work; you were still here; stuck. Being at a disadvantage, not knowing how to get home and neither having a way to get there if you could was frustrating.

Who knows how long you'd been down here, despairing, wallowing in memories and dust, but you were tired, thirsty, and knew that if you didn't move he'd have trouble finding you, and yet you didn't care; let him find you; let him work for it. Though, how would that make it any better? All it would do is succeed in upsetting him before you knew all the facts. You hated this. Father always said hate was a strong word that shouldn't be taken for granted; you rarely had reason to feel as such, but the more you gleaned from those photos and the more proof you found of her presence about the place made you feel hateful and bitter.

Thinking of her smiling at him, receiving every bit of his loving-kindness and inviting demeanor animated by unaffected good-will; his general countenance and becoming familiar with a fresher-faced creature of your dreams; holding him; touching him; loving him. Oh God no, you thought, groaning into a handmade pillow. What was worse was that you couldn't dissuade the thought of her mysterious silhouette sneaking up behind you, plunging a knife into your already fragile identity, and taking back what was hers. Your doubt feeding these ugly horrors which were hybrids of nightmares and daydreams.

Though during a brief moment of clarity, you had come to a conclusion which hardly alleviated these feelings, but we're true; it wasn't your fault. Yes, it had been your choice to accept him and be in a proper relationship with someone with an ambiguous past, and yes you did snoop around a little, but you didn't know how much he'd been hiding or searching for someone like her and had settled on silly, stupid you. Yet, no matter how much you thought about it, why chase a vision of the past and put so much effort in the present? There must've been more to this; there had to be.

Manifested, unstinted kindness and consideration and love in his form didn't happen out of the blue, it was nurtured and conditioned. Had it been her influence which made you knew? Who knows, but you had been fortunate to have had an opportunity to associate let alone form a romantic attachment, but that would soon pass away once you confronted him. Right? After a little while longer, when your heart was finally beginning to slow and thought you'd be able to catch your breath, you heard him walking about upstairs; calling and knocking.

Rick was home and you turned over on the couch and covered your ears so you wouldn't hear him; you weren't ready to deal with this; you didn't want to deal with this. In your heart of hearts, you wanted to go home, to the past, back to when there were no problems and it was just you, dad, and your dreams. If only he was still around so that he could tell you that everything was alright and it was all just a bad dream and that he could fix it, but you couldn't; only in a dream, you could. Dad always knew what was best, but you were old enough to decide for yourself now.

Did this mean you wish you never knew Rick? No, but you wished that you would've never known about all this; about her; that you could've lived in ignorance. Oh, the sweet, sweet bliss of ignorance, how wonderful it had been while it lasted. Even when his warm laughter echoed down the stairway, having found you, ready, eager and excitable to be near you, you didn't answer. You knew you weren't in the state of mind to say anything nice, that despite it all he wasn't a bad person. Yet, the moment that hand of his touched your shoulder, you hissed. “Don't touch me.”

He gasped, stunned by this uncharacteristic aggression. Maybe you weren't the nice girl he thought you were after all; especially if the rustling of his clothes alone made you angry enough to dig your nails into the couch cushions. Zeta-7 waited for a few moments, ruminating on what would be the best course of action before he knelt down to be at your level and wondered. “What's wrong? Are y-y-you hurt? Is th-there anything I can do?”

Swallowing back a sob, you silently counted to ten then answered in a listless tone. “I don't know if you can. You've… you've been hiding stuff from me.”

“Huh, I-I have? What have I…”

“Don't try to deny it.”

Pushing yourself up, you rubbed your swollen eyes and chanced a look at him; your sight fuzzy as tears threatened to fall but thankfully didn't. The alarm in his widened eyes at the state of your runny nose, and tear-stained cheeks made him instinctively reach out to wipe your tears away, but you pushed that familiar, loving hand away. “M-mi corazón?”

Instead of answering as you usually would, you pulled out the well-loved copy of Persuasion from behind a pillow, took a deep breath and dropped it on his lap. “I found it while I was looking for something to read.”

“Oh geez.”

“And can you believe I found more than I bargained for.”

You two sat in silence for what felt like hours as he stared at it, and when he gathered the courage to look inside, the lines about his brow and mouth deepened; another sign that it was true. When he finally interrupted the silence, he confessed regretfully. “I-I was going to tell you.”

“But you didn't. There's a lot of things that I understand are none of my business, but this….I think is a good time to know. If you care about me at all, then read what you wrote.”

“But it's - it's not what you think.”

“Then there's nothing be afraid of. Go on then, read it.”

Visibly swallowing, his shaky hands held it open and he stuttered. “I-I-I thought of you today as I left th-the milky way, on my way t-to a classified location. I-I wish you were here so I could show you the beauty that exists across the universe, but knowing our limitations I can only send you this wonderful novel that I found when I was exploring a-a bookstore located on one of Saturn's moons. I-I know it can be hard to believe that Miss Jane Austen's works can reach the furthest depths of-of space, but that can be blamed on a certain Gallifreyan and his little blue box. I can't wait to hear what y-y-you think of it. Till next time my dear. With love, from Rick.”

“Don't forget the photos.”

Setting down the book, he glanced at the discarded photos, sagging a little after each one, gauging your reaction after he finished studying them. Rick was a smart man, he knew well enough that he messed up and how compromising those photos were. “It's not - I was only writing as ugh - as a friend.” He began, wringing his hands as he went on. “Y-y-y-y-you know I don't have that many.”

Which was true. “Really? So what did she do for you? Was she special?”

“She - she made me a little less lonely. That in itself was something I w-was grateful for.”

Your nails bit into your palms and that ever familiar ache bloomed across your chest; his answer birthing more questions than you were willing to ask. He offered you a Werther's original to placate you which you accepted; it's wrapper similar to the one in the painting. As ever he waited for you to answer, and the longer he waited, the more he sagged; his eyes pleading, hoping, wishing that he could know whatever hurt clouded your heart and wanted to fix it. “I want to believe you, I really do,” you admitted, which made him hopeful, though only for you to crush it with this. “but I'm tired of walking on eggshells. Tell me, what did you want from me when you had someone like her? Seems as though she was a good match for you. She was a creative who could paint, loved flowers, and butterflies among other things I imagine.”

“Sh-she did.”

You bit the inside of your cheek in an attempt to hold back the surge of feelings which were a result of his sincerity. Damn it. You could do this……possibly. “See?” you said cooly, focusing your gaze on your naked feet. “I knew she was special considering you sent her a book that had belonged to the Doctor. She also knew about your travels, which meant you trusted her and you hardly trust anyone. The point I'm getting at is that I want to know what I am to you. So, am I a knockoff or a rebound? Because we both know there's nothing like the real thing.”

“N-n-no, not at all. You mean th-the world to me and I-I love you. I have only loved you. ”

“But she loved you, didn't she? And you loved her. I can't ignore that. If she's anything like me, then what are we doing together Ricardo? Why aren't you with her? I…. I thought we understood each other but then I found proof that I was only second best. I can't do it, I can't compete with a shadow, and I'm not going to try. I don't have it in me.”

“I-I-I-I never expected you to. Por favor mi amor de m-mi vida, if you'll let me explain, I'll tell you whatever you want. I - I don't want to lose you. Please, honest t-t-to God, I don't. I can't.”

“Hmm, I didn't know you were a praying man.”

“When you're about t-t-to lose your universe, I don't think there are th-that many options. I can't - oh please I can't lose you. Not again.”

You felt your resolve breaking. You wanted to fall into his arms and melt into the comfort of them; for you both to comfort each other and let it all go because it probably was just a big misunderstanding; him being the best thing that ever happened to you, but not yet. Maybe he was a praying man after all, and if God was merciful, then why wouldn't you be? Rick certainly would. For Zeta-7, you could be. He'd definitely given you enough chances.

“Fine.” you decided, helping him up as you stood, but through this brief touch he almost misunderstood, thinking that the worst was over and gave your hand a squeeze; his warm smile weakening your resolve even further. Maybe Ricks were masters at mind games after all. And you knew it wouldn't take much for him to make you forget how unhappy you were, and like magic, show you something wonderful and dazzling, but you didn't want to be charmed; you wanted the truth. You bit the flesh inside of your cheeks hard enough for you to bleed, and despite relishing the warmth which permeated your chilled hands, you let go. “I'm……I'm not over it yet.”

TBC

#doofus rick #doofus rick x reader #rick sanchez x reader #rick sanchez #rick and morty #rick and morty fanfiction #j19z7 #rick j19z7 #j19ζ7 #rick j19zeta7 #j19zeta7 #j-19-zeta-7 #rick j-19-zeta-7 #rnm fanfic #rnm #my writing #my works

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kessicasrps · 2 years

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I laugh softly when hearing what you said, shaking my head at you. "I honestly didn't even notice. As far as I was concerned, you were the superstar who got everyone's attention. And the only person that I ever noticed was you. Sometimes, it didn't even feel like Ben and Karlie were there with us. When we would lock eyes on stage, it would feel like just you and me up there," I say to you, smiling lovingly at you. I chuckle a bit as I thought about the memories, nodding at you. "I know, my love. I was so gone for you that I was afraid that I was making it obvious. I am pretty sure that every time that I looked at you, my eyes just turned into heart eyes," I chuckle softly.

---

I chuckled softly. "I always felt the same way when we were on stage," I giggled lightly as I sat up and straddled your waist, looking down at you as I ran my fingers through your hair. "Who would've known that after all those looks we shared that we'd be here ten years later, married eight of them, raising so many daughters, and just living out our dreams together." I chuckled softly. "I think we have one of the greatest love stories, not to boost our bubble," I giggled softly. "Being in love with you is one of the best feelings in the world, sometimes I worry that I'm going to wake up like it's a dream and you won't be there, and I hate that idea." I say honestly. I took your hands in mine, lacing our fingers together. "I can't imagine my life without you, if I didn't have you, and I somehow was mentally sane and alive, I'd probably still be a virgin," I say honestly. "You are the best sex I've ever had, and the only sex I've ever had, which makes it all the more better because you're so great in bed, I wouldn't ever want to imagine sex with anyone else, just you. Look at that, you turned the most innocent girl into the dirtiest girl ever,"

"I am so glad that it's with you. I guess I am just most nervous about how it's going to feel filming it in the moment with all the crew around and such. I am not necessarily nervous about the world seeing it. I mean after those photos of me leaked, there's no use in feeling so protective of showing nudity," I say, shrugging a bit since it was always going to bother me how the world got to see me half naked without my consent. "But this time, I have control over it. And I told myself I would only do nudity if it was a project I felt passionate about and this one I do. I can relate to that invasion of privacy and being a woman who is slut-shamed for her sexuality," I say honestly to you before taking another sip of my drink.

---

"I know it's nerve wrecking the first time, and I can't say much from a women's point of view, but to me, when it's part of your job, you're playing a part, even though it's your body, it's someone else's body your portraying, you're not playing yourself," I explained hoping to make you feel a little more comfortable. "I think, just because women are comfortable with exposing their bodies, they shouldn't be shamed for it, because you're just expressing yourself, it's art,"

#( & dreaming of you rp )#( & call it what you want rp )

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tinylittlemovements · 2 years

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I have a habit of repeating things in my writing, not even rephrasing them in different ways, but just repeating them over and over as if I was a ghost stuck in a loop who only knew one thing to say.

That part in the Hill House series, where Nell gathered everyone in the Red Room and spoke in repetitive patterns, that's how I feel like when I write. I repeat things because I don't know what else to say, I repeat things because I'm trying to remember, and I'm trying to get the reader to remember, this one important thing, like a nursery rhyme told to children. I always found comfort in repetition, in things staying the same and looping back and repeated because that was the only way I knew how to live. In repeating things.

Like Viola in Bly Manor, I too have forgotten most things of my life. The only things left in me are a senseless rage and grief, towards what, I could no longer remember. Every few years I would have a massive breakdown and try to clean it all up, I'd try to begin with a blank slate. I'd completely forgot who I was and tried to reinvent myself in that way. Of course all those attempts failed. As without memory or recognition of my past, I was moving senselessly and aimlessly about, without purpose nor objective and ended up in the same backed up corners and the same miserable traps and pits that I dug myself in before. In fact I am still that way now. I still struggle aimlessly. I feel pain that has no purpose of being there. I make myself feel it just so I won't forget, but I'm already numb and I've already forgotten, long forgotten about it, in fact. I am constantly running in circles.

What am I, if not running in circles, no clear purpose in mind. Always back in the same spot in the end. Always back on square one. I've progressed, but I've only ventured wider from the center of the whirlpool. The gravity is still too strong and I still find myself getting pulled back to that dark formless center. That massive gaping lack that always claws its way back to me, always making itself known, always widening its hold over my being.

I always love time loop stories because it feels close to my reality. I am stuck in a time loop in which things keep repeating themselves and I'd have to suffer it all the same. What is life, if not a purgatory for our passions, where all innocent dreams go to die. And buried alive along with the dead stars we call hope.

Sometimes I think, in particularly dark hours of the night, that, it might be better to get swallowed up by that whirlpool, let myself be consumed and drowned and dissolved until I am no more. What if I venture too far out of it, and still there would be no sign of land. Or what if I do find the comfort of other people, but they've already got too much on their hands, they couldn't be taking a random straggler along. What if, I do find land, on my own, as I probably would, as I am nothing but self sufficient, but I would've spent so long being on water, that I wouldn't know what to do with myself on land, what if there was no place there for me too? What of it then? What was the purpose of trying to veer off course? Was it something ridiculous like, if I was willing to try to get out, I would at least be rewarded by marvelous sights before me before my eventual passing? The view is fine here. The clouds are always grey here, how could I guarantee a cloudless sky exists out there when I've never seen it? How could I guarantee that the sun would rise and set in the same way out there? But would it even matter?

My heart has grown cold and numbed by the massive pressure of this whirlpool. It can no longer be awed the same way it used to when it was still beating like a clock. Now it is run down and sluggish, as if it doesn't even want to do its job. It can no longer appreciate and savor the beauty i would be rewarded with upon escaping, I thought. Though I know I was making excuses.

My arms had gone stiff from rowing and my shoulders and back ached like no tomorrow. I've gotten tired of going against the current. I could feel my fingers growing numb. My teeth are clattering constantly in the cold. There is no one here and I am always alone. I have always been. But this was my boat. Everyone else had their own boats to tend to. I couldn't just fall behind. But maybe I wanted to fall behind, because I got tired of rowing. Because I'm a coward who didn't want to face those sunsets, that clear sky, those people in the harbor. Because I'm exhausted from having to constantly try to break free from a hell of my own making. I don't know how I'm meant to keep rowing, sometimes I think it would be easier to just jump off the boat and into the center of that whirlpool and let myself be tossed around in the water until i eventually reach the depths, where I will finally breathe my last and would hopefully be given some respite.

#personal #journal #180222 #cringe #cringeeeee #long post #mine #disjointed #sort of #prose #idk #it sucks

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frogsandfries · 5 years

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Whoof!!

We're watching one of my friend's little relatives and, of course, just starting to walk and speak, she's a handful. I haven't gotten half as much of anything done that I've been trying to do. First thing the last couple mornings, almost as soon as I get up, she needs a nap, so I spend like an hour trying to get her to do that. After she takes a nap, she likes to launch my door into my chair, crawl all over my bed and close my door.

She's also kind of a brat. I told her I had to pee like five times just this morning and she kept closing the bathroom door. She cried when I steered her out (she did the walking out of the bathroom). If she was my blood, I probably would've just gone with her in there. She's cried about me telling her no toys in my room. She's cried about having things taken away and not getting to play. Last night., she cried about me touching her with a wet wipe before she could touch anything with chocolate all over her hands. She also threw herself on the floor once. I don't remember why, but she didn't get much sympathy over it like my brother used to. Almost every time she cries over something insignificant, I get down on her level and speak to her in a lower volume and from tone, explaining that I'm not being mean.

I had a dry spot in my eye the other day. Today, I woke up feeling like I had a stye but without a swelling. For a while, my eye was leaking pretty well. It doesn't hurt so much. It feels maybe like a bruise.

I can hardly get any writing done; she's all over the place. Polyclay is absolutely out of the question. Even when my friend's daughter gets in, it's a trick to do any embroidery. Nonetheless, I have been making pretty decent progress on my current embroidery project. I think I'm going on about two weeks and this is how far I am:

This evening, I'm gonna go weave up that lower left corner. I'm going to do that itty bitty actual corner in a separate direction. I like depicting non-clothes textiles like this. I'm trying to figure out the best way to depict skin without using a million colors. You might not be able to tell that well right now, but I'm trying to figure out how to shade in embroidery. My hope is that taking this step will help my illustrations look better.

So I've been really nervous to clean my fabric; especially because of that hand-dyed thread. After some research, I'm learning I may have done everything backward. One of the sites I looked at mentioned that even colorfast threads can run, so you could just give all of your threads a pre-wash before using them. I'm starting to wish I'd known about that. It's going to be really aggravating to put in all this work just to have to do it all over because the colors washed out or stained. It will also be annoying to waste all that material.

This online dating thing doesn't seem to be going very well. Obviously, only a portion of the guys who visit my profile give me a like or message. Already, the few guys who've messaged me, most have dropped off. One of them wanted to meet after just a couple messages. One of them doesn't seem to have appreciated my pro-choice stance. I was really excited about him until he was anti-abortion; honestly, I don't need someone like that. I need someone who shares my values. I guess a couple days isn't a real indicator. I'll probably go to the end of this subscription and that'll be it. I keep thinking, I'll never find someone who makes me want to kiss him as much as my former friend from Arizona. What are the odds, honestly?

Of course, that guy will probably pop back into my life again and expect that we're still friends. Or maybe he believes that I hate him, which I should, and I kind of do, and he'll just never talk to me again, because once a woman dislikes a man, her opinion will never change, obvi.

So I better get on with my life. I'm not getting any younger and being pregnant isn't going to get any easier. I can at least look. I'm a homebody; I keep myself busy being an artist. I'm not going to meet men at my job. What kind of man is going to come into an accessories store? I don't know how to go out.

The other day, my dad lectured me about being a job-hopper and being impatient. Of course I was a job-hopper as a temp. They never gave me the work I was asking for and when I really tried to settle into a job, it made me really sick or they didn't want to hire me and pay me what they were paying their full employees or, again, the job wasn't what I was asking for.

A few days later, my friend from Oregon says I shouldn't be impatient about finding a parther. I don't think asking hard questions that people have strong opinions about is impatient. I don't want to date someone, whether we agree on wanting children ourselves, who is anti-abortion. I don't want to potentially have a child who gets pregnant and that's when I'm telling them abortion is okay and their father is telling them, I don't care how you feel, you're having this baby. I also absolutely can't date someone who never wants to leave Wisconsin. I think it's going to be harder to find someone here in Wisconsin. As far as I'm concerned, I need to get out of Wisconsin sooner than later, once and for all.

I also need to finish my degree, if only to be done with it once and for all.

Speaking of being done, I guess my dad is bringing all my stuff Friday. I can't wait to get it organized and get it gone and have a little cash to start taking care of some bills. I think if I can take care of this one bill keeping me from going back, and if I can take care of it in the next few weeks, I can just register and sort of obligate myself to finish. Then maybe if I feel a little external pressure, and some ingenuity, I can get ahold of something that I can just make work over the winter; or maybe something that I can tweak after that.

I recently saw something that reminded me of something else that kind of peeves me more than a little. I'm going to preface this by saying, I'm very sparse and practical myself. I think even in my own art, you can see how I'm kind of no-frills.

The thing I saw was a listing for a silver bus that had been customized by someone male. It felt really closed in, barely "finished", it still had some rough edges and was missing like, door frames or anything to make a doorway look more finished than just a hole in a sheet of wood. And there was carpet. Personally, I think carpet is gross. This carpet was especially gross. It looked like that cheap, thin, industrial stuff. In a small space like that, first, carpet is basically useless, extra weight. Second, carpet holds incredible amounts of filth. I guess that's great for a bachelor who would rather track mud all over his carpet and play COD instead of vacuum. For me, the room I use while staying with my friend is carpeted. I am constantly reminded of how gross this carpet is by the glitter ground into it and the cat eating bugs out of it. He likes to eat the ants who've found crumbs on the side of the room opposite from my desk. It's disgusting.

For me to buy that bus as-is, at the price he wanted, I would set my finish line almost as far back as it could go. For me, I would probably tear out most of the minimal work done to it in the first place: the walls and carpet. If I didn't pull out the walls, I would need to do something to clean up the edges and probably paint them.

The thing it reminded me of was my former friend from Arizona met/befriended a "viking" from Montana, in Oregon. And this viking lived in a camper trailer with similar, crappy carpet and improvised, unfinished walls.

I refuse to believe that men can't design beautiful spaces.

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

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Jac & Amelia

Jac: [So the vibe is evidently just showing up at the pre-drinks at this gfs house, we'll have to be some level of wasted to have the nerve so from the off it's a mood lol] Amelia: [a select gathering of the gays that you weren't invited too, but it's okay because Amelia can't throw you out when everyone else is like yeah come through] Jac: [literally you'd have to make such a drama and that's not you and also no one knows why you stopped being besties so it clearly appears chill from the outside, I vote the club should be a gay one so you have to commit to that hen] Amelia: [agreed because clearly her gf has planned this because Amelia's plan was to go and get that haircut and outfit with her mum so] Jac: [too pure for this bitch, we all know this is just an excuse for her to party like any other night really, which is rude, do something special but no, at least you're simply that hoe so it's not like we even have to work hard here, the flirting is blatant] Amelia: [it hurts my heart because you know Jamelia would have gone IN for each other's birthdays] Jac: [and her last one was start of transition year so they would've still been friends, AND it was her 16th so it would've been really poppin'] Amelia: [brb sobbing] Jac: [thank god jac is also miserable and only pretending to be living her best life or this would be even ruder] Amelia: [and thank god Amelia isn't in love with this gal] Jac: [and that lmao] Jac: [to me it should be like they just straight up make out on the dance floor 'cos her girlfriend is the 'its not a big deal omg!' type but even if it weren't, it is because it's Jac] Amelia: [hence when Amelia loses it it's Jac she's shouting at and being like how could you do this to me etc not her gf] Jac: [mhmm mHM we all know she's barely speaking at this point so she's not gonna say anything and your gf will be going off 'cos she looks the gobby type so you can slap her if you need babe lol] Amelia: [she so is the gobby type, Amelia just straight up dismissing her because this isn't about you babe I gotta scream at Jac rn thank you] Jac: [meanwhile we're just trying to walk away like the audacity] Amelia: [literally like SAY SOMETHING! because is there anything more frustrating than when someone won't react and you're literally 💔] Jac: [there is not, just shouting 'I'M SORRY' ala Tracy because we do not sound sorry at all but she is never a loud person so everyone else is gonna be shook like damn] Amelia: [your aunt Cass would be proud of that, but Amelia just gonna walk away] Jac: [good lord go home gal, or at least a different club lol, also like to point out she has a September birthday so also would've been after Savannah left so that would've been cheery lol] Amelia: [nice parallel because we know Amelia's walking home but fuck knows how far it would be, we're not at Erin's house now hens] Jac: [I'm sure you don't live right in town, your fam seems a suburb type so that'll be a nice trek, you poor bitch] Amelia: [just sobbing the whole time probably, even though she's not a crier like Savannah is] Jac: [you'd have to have a cry, if Jac hadn't gone catatonic as a defence mechanism, she would be too] Amelia: [which is why we're not getting our parents to pick us up because don't wanna be sobbing to this degree in front of them and her mum already hates the gf so we don't want the I told you so either] Amelia: [plus her mum probably thinks she's over Jac by now because we downplaying things forever] Jac: [parents can only be so much of a MVP at this age] Amelia: [I think when they see each other again it should be another argument that turns into Amelia kissing her because that's a trope for a reason] Jac: [yes, you are both owed it without the audience tbh] Amelia: [like I have no idea where they are when that happens, are you gonna show up on her doorstep to have another argument or what gal lol] Jac: [maybe you had somewhere you went together, idk where or what vibe, so you know she's gonna be there, even if it's just a different club and you're outside angsting] Amelia: [ooh excellent, yeah there's any number of places that could be 'theirs' you've known each other long enough] Jac: [precisely, it can be as everyday and unspecial or the opposite as we'd like, Dublin centre is not that big it's not insane to suggest] Amelia: [when do you think that is, clearly pretty soon after because the emotions have gotta be high] Jac: [yeah, sooner rather than later, like we did this for a reason and like you said, it's too frustrating when someone won't react to you] Amelia: [literally could be the next day/night I'd believe it] Jac: [i literally thought you meant the same night so yes i agree lol] Amelia: [omg that's even better tbh] Jac: like you turn round like AND ANOTHER THING, tensions are beyond that high] Amelia: [exactly] Jac: [at least Amelia is angry enough to break it off 'cos the levels of fucks you don't give rn about anything] Amelia: [yeah she's angry and sad enough to be like ffs what am I doing and actually go home] Jac: [thanks babe, we all know it happens but don't need it to literally look like 2nd choice to your hoe gf 'cos it ain't that] Amelia: [how am I gonna start a convo from here because I clearly am lol] Jac: [thank god you both drunk, I can do it if you want] Amelia: [go ahead if you think you can boo] Jac: you home safe Amelia: no, I'm dead in a ditch Jac: great Amelia: it'll make life easier for you, yeah Jac: my life couldn't be any rosier Amelia: 🥀🥀🥀 Jac: glad to see your flare for the dramatic ain't died in that ditch with you Jac: flair, which one Jac: idk Amelia: you took that over from me, remember Amelia: you really fucking did Jac: aren't you impressed Amelia: if you'd got there earlier you could've pushed me out of the way to blow the candles out on the cake my mum bought too Jac: you don't wanna be kids no more? Jac: could've said sooner Amelia: she's not a doll, she just wants to look like one Jac: who? Amelia: the girlfriend you wanted to share so badly Jac: oh her Jac: bride of chucky maybe Amelia: you did scare everyone with your apology Amelia: very exorcist-ish Jac: I was going for Carrie Jac: oh well Jac: still a better match than you two ain't it Amelia: oh you were trying to win a prom queen sash with acts of charity Amelia: I get it Jac: shouldn't you be throwing all this shade at her Amelia: wait, I'll add her in Jac: ha Jac: go ahead Amelia: she won't accept, sorry Amelia: I did try Jac: devastating Amelia: are you home safe? Jac: yeah Amelia: you do have the 👿👹👺👻 inside protecting you, I guess Jac: its always got a home inside me Amelia: well yeah, you don't ever kiss anyone long enough for it to transfer hosts Jac: you'll wanna get rid of the girlfriend then Jac: before you get infected Amelia: you already did that for me, such a good 🥳🎂🎁 Jac: couldn't think what else to get ya Amelia: 💐? Amelia: no? Jac: thought she might have beat me to it Jac: made a bit of an effort Amelia: she wanted me, that's all I needed Jac: past tense Jac: and that's definitely not the first time she's done that Amelia: what do you care? Jac: you think this is how i'd show it if I did Amelia: I try not to think about you anymore Jac: there's no need to make yourself sound stupid in the process Amelia: not when you're there to make me look it Jac: you'll get another girlfriend Amelia: because that's what is ripping my heart out about this Jac: that's your problem Amelia: stay the fuck away from me Amelia: if you'd done that I wouldn't have a problem Jac: I plan on it Jac: done what I needed to do Amelia: great Jac: enjoy what's left of your big day then Jac: have some 🎂 Amelia: you've made sure I can't Amelia: where's Savannah Moore with a 👏 emoji when you need her? Jac: Sligo Jac: last I heard Amelia: those poor country lads Jac: you've never cared about any lad a day in your life Jac: you can just admit you miss her Amelia: 😂 Jac: hilarious Amelia: not really Amelia: but I physically can't cry any more, I must be dehydrated Jac: unsurprising Jac: me either Amelia: 🍾🥂 Amelia: have a nice life then Amelia: probably leave tonight out of your achievements during the uni interviews Jac: nah Jac: diversity and adversity is all the rage Amelia: that's why I'll be mentioning it Jac: you're welcome x2 Amelia: 🙌 Jac: you sure she don't wanna join Jac: 'cos she's annoying me Amelia: I don't care what she wants or feel sorry for you Jac: yeah Jac: then tell her that Jac: not relaying your message Amelia: I have Jac: she's a liar too, makes sense Amelia: you're well suited Jac: besides the obvious Amelia: that you've done what you needed to do, yeah Amelia: tell her that Jac: I have Jac: not my fault she's so thick she only understands actions Amelia: if she's been messaging you since the 💋 you'll have had time to tell her everything I didn't Amelia: even if it has to be via charades Jac: the fact I didn't fuck her is all the information she's getting from me Amelia: the dancefloor's a bit public even for her Amelia: but maybe she'll be willing to break the rules for you, that's what people do Jac: let's not pretend it was about her Jac: only room for one delusional person in a relationship, don't you know? Amelia: you're ready for that, are you? Amelia: I don't know anything about relationships as it turns out Jac: first cut is the deepest Amelia: if you're going to sing, it's meant to be Happy Birthday Jac: yeah, you wish Amelia: I only got the one and I've already used it Jac: don't tell or it won't come true Amelia: I don't remember it now anyway Jac: bullshit Amelia: if it was 💇🏻 related it definitely didn't come true Jac: you didn't get a fringe Amelia: I still hate it Jac: it's not why you got cheated on Amelia: thanks, that makes me feel loads better about 👧🏻 Amelia: can you just take the posts down please Jac: I dunno Amelia: Jac Jac: fuck sake Jac: one thing Amelia: just do it Jac: then that's it Jac: there's your present, I don't owe you nothing Amelia: no, then that's it because I don't want anything to do with you Amelia: it doesn't make us even Jac: I don't give a shit about being even with you Jac: I win Jac: end of Amelia: it's not a fucking game Jac: you're the only one not playing Amelia: so leave me out of it Jac: that's another favour Jac: pick one Amelia: fuck you Jac: i'm keeping the pictures up then Amelia: enjoy your win Jac: naturally Amelia: 👏👏👏 Jac: you aren't her Amelia: you aren't you Amelia: it still doesn't make us even Jac: maybe you never knew me Jac: we weren't friends, after-all Amelia: there's no maybe about it, if we were ever friends you wouldn't treat me like this Jac: nothing is as simple as you'd like it to be Jac: but sure Amelia: you really hurt me again, it's that simple Amelia: and this time it was deliberate Jac: and you don't hurt the people you love Jac: grow up, Amelia Amelia: not like that Jac: that's easier for you Amelia: what about ANY of this is easy for me? Amelia: you told me to try, I did Amelia: now what? Jac: it isn't my responsibility to worry about that Jac: you figure it out Amelia: I had it figured out and you tore it down Amelia: take some fucking responsibility for that Jac: what, with your shit girlfriend who doesn't give a fuck about you Jac: that was wrecked before I got there Jac: deal with that Amelia: you wrecked me before she got there Amelia: I still think about you all the time, miss you all the time Amelia: and I do have to deal with that, all the time Jac: and I've got nothing to deal with Amelia: of course you do Amelia: happy people don't gatecrash and ruin other people's birthdays Jac: then you'll forgive me for not feeling sorry for you Amelia: I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I want you to be sorry for what you just did Jac: you want a lot Amelia: not this time Amelia: it's bare minimum Jac: I'm happy to disappoint and leave you wanting Amelia: then you win again Amelia: congratulations Jac: yipee Amelia: Don't contact me again unless you're got something to say that means something Jac: fine Amelia: you sound faker than Savannah could ever Amelia: it'd be impressive if it worked Jac: have I contacted you before now? Amelia: that doesn't matter because today you did Jac: today I ruined your relationship and birthday Jac: then I asked if you got home Amelia: yeah, and that all means something Jac: it means I wanted to fuck up your life Amelia: at least that wish came true Jac: there's always shooting stars and eyelashes when there isn't candles Amelia: there isn't a quick fix for this Jac: there's no fix Jac: there's only out and it's still 2 fucking years away Amelia: you were supposed to give me time, that's supposed to be one Jac: well I didn't feel like it today Amelia: clearly Jac: get over it Amelia: I'm not even through it, it literally just happened Jac: I'm not apologising, I can't be any clearer Amelia: then don't Amelia: I didn't know how to beg you when we were friends, I can't do it with this version of you Jac: Done? Amelia: I was done before I actually got home Jac: Well I've not gone home Jac: so we both lied there then Amelia: Where have you gone? Jac: what's it to you? Amelia: I don't want what happened to Is to happen to you, or worse Amelia: I care about you Jac: it won't Amelia: I'm calling your parents Jac: maybe I've told them you're obsessed with me already Amelia: maybe but it's still ringing Amelia: they can decide what they want to do Jac: you're such a snitch Amelia: because I really care what you think of me right now Jac: nah, just hope it makes you feel good about yourself worrying my parents for nothing Amelia: I don't feel good about myself because of you Amelia: your parents are irrelevant to me Jac: we've got that in common then Amelia: they're probably going to want to talk to you and I don't so goodnight Jac: Bold of you to think I'd answer Jac: but it is a reason to turn my phone off so yeah Jac: later Amelia: you're really 😎 we get it Jac: that's what I'm doing Jac: you're so smart Amelia: it's why you want to keep the pics up Amelia: like a 🏆 Jac: i wanna keep em up so you have to see them Amelia: I don't have to see them, I've already blocked you both Jac: 😂 Amelia: What's funny? Jac: 🤡😥 would've been more applicable, perhaps Amelia: probably Jac: you can pal up with Is again, she's up for it Amelia: yeah because I really want to drag her into whatever 🎪 you've started up between us Jac: you're so considerate Amelia: something really fucked up happened to her, you were there, don't act like you don't remember Jac: and you weren't there Amelia: I know that Jac: then you don't get to say shit to me about it Amelia: I'm not, I'm saying this isn't about Is Jac: when is it ever Jac: poor girl Amelia: stop it Jac: you walked out on her Jac: she didn't have enough daddy issues? Amelia: I walked out on you Jac: same difference Amelia: you said you'd let me Jac: and I did Amelia: until now Jac: you're only 17 once Jac: it's not going to happen again Amelia: it shouldn't have happened at all Jac: should woulda coulda Amelia: promise me that this is it Jac: I don't fancy your girlfriend Jac: kissing her was bad enough Amelia: I mean, promise me that I don't have to look over my shoulder for the next 2 years in case you decide that you want to ruin my life again Amelia: because I can't Jac: Amelia Amelia: I'm serious, I'll leave school before I let you do this to me for a third time Jac: I'm not in a position to be making promises about anything, to anyone Jac: I'll try Amelia: okay Jac: just Jac: I don't know Jac: never mind Amelia: you're scaring me, you know Amelia: I should've made you promise not to do any reckless shit back then instead of the other way round Jac: everyone's scared Jac: they say it like I can change it Amelia: I thought I was doing the right thing but everything just keeps getting worse Amelia: for me, you and Is Amelia: even for Savannah, Sligo for fuck's sake Jac: even if you'd done it different Jac: I'd still have done the same Jac: it still would've all happened Amelia: what are you going to do now? Jac: nothing matters now Amelia: you matter Amelia: to me Amelia: come to my 🏠 I'll call your parents back Jac: we're not doing this again Jac: no Jac: it's bad enough i have people in my life i can't get rid of Amelia: we're not doing anything Jac: stop caring about me Amelia: I can't Jac: how much more do I have to ruin your life Amelia: you have ruined it, that doesn't mean I want you to be dead in a ditch Jac: all I'm going to do is break your heart over and over and then I'm going to leave forever Amelia: tonight it's already broken and that's all I'm talking about Amelia: take the guest bedroom Jac: no Jac: because then my family will just think we're friends again and that I'm fine Jac: I'll go home, okay, just stop Amelia: if you stop lying, I'll stop this Jac: I'll send you proof, for fuck's sake Amelia: okay Jac: fine Amelia: [we're just waiting for that pic like] Jac: [however long this is gonna take, at least you're probably a bit more central, the most begrudging pic of the front door lmao] Amelia: no, put your outfit in it so I know it wasn't stored on your phone Jac: 'cos I just have pictures of my door Jac: [but does, some weird angle to not get your face in] Jac: haven't got a newspaper, so sorry Amelia: if you hadn't stopped the party early, they might have been delivered Jac: it was a crap party anyway Jac: she hadn't even booked a table Amelia: Yeah Jac: at least you can have a better girlfriend for your 18th Amelia: can I? Are you going to let me Jac: probably not Jac: but if she's less easy to ruin then there's nothing I can do about that Amelia: you'd have to try something else, that's all Jac: obviously Jac: I'm still smart Amelia: I'm not giving you a compliment Jac: I'm not saying I'm not going to ruin your chances at happiness Amelia: it's not like I need you to Amelia: SO capable on my own Jac: it's not taking credit if you're making excuses for me Jac: but alright Amelia: I'm talking about the 💇🏻 which you can't take credit for Jac: it suits you Amelia: that is the most hurtful thing you've ever said Amelia: take it back Jac: it's also true Jac: and you wanted me to stop lying Amelia: 😒 Jac: at least you don't look like every other girl now Amelia: you think I did before? Amelia: also that's because no other girl wants to look like 👧🏻 Jac: I mean everyone has the same hair Jac: you stand out more Amelia: you don't Jac: well I'm special, obviously Amelia: I know Jac: 🙄 Amelia: 😉 Jac: you're an idiot Jac: Jude better be at a sleepover Amelia: her hair stands out Jac: you should tell her that Jac: she'll be so glad her attention-seeking doesn't go unnoticed Amelia: she think I'm flirting with her so no Jac: oh yeah Jac: you're a predatory lesbian now Amelia: I kissed you Jac: after I kissed your girlfriend Amelia: you don't fancy her Amelia: that wasn't why you did it Jac: she fancies herself enough Amelia: So does Savannah, that wasn't a problem for you Jac: don't talk about her Amelia: sure, I wouldn't want to upset you Amelia: what's the point being 💔 if you're not the saddest Jac: she's gone, there's no point talking about her Amelia: my parents know hers, she's not gone from dinner table conversation at my 🏠 Jac: sucks for you then Amelia: sucks more for her that she's been sent to catholic school Jac: Catholic school? Amelia: yeah, her dad had that brainwave Jac: that is unfortunate Jac: probably a better school than ours though, so she'll be thrilled Amelia: it's my dad's favourite joke threat now Jac: at least you could avoid me Amelia: true, I should call his bluff and take him up on it next time Jac: go for it Jac: it's only me that has to write off this shit school on her uni app Amelia: the rest of your app will more than make up for it Jac: that's the plan Amelia: exactly, so it's not technically a compliment Jac: you're shit at this Amelia: thanks Jac: no, that really wasn't a compliment Jac: not one of your not technicallys Amelia: 😏 Jac: did you get a car Jac: I bet you got a car Amelia: [a picture of it because why not say she did] Jac: just got to pass now Jac: then you can go where you like Amelia: then I can runaway Jac: nah Jac: they'd take you off their insurance and you'd be fucked Amelia: because I'd never drive without insurance Jac: the police would be frantically looking for you as is Jac: that's always how murderers get caught out Amelia: 🤫 you're ruining this too Jac: you fantasize on your own time Amelia: this is my own time, you're home safe Amelia: I don't owe you my full attention now that your 👅 isn't in my ex girlfriend's mouth Jac: have you kissed anyone else Amelia: no Jac: do you regret it being her Amelia: it wasn't you, that's what I regret Amelia: but it couldn't be so Jac: yeah Jac: at least it was a girl Amelia: I'm not stupid enough to kiss any boys Jac: some just call it heterosexual Amelia: and I'm not so it'd be stupid for me Jac: alright Amelia: but I should probably kiss more girls Jac: why should you Amelia: because she'll think all the wrong things if I don't Jac: true Jac: I thought you didn't care about what people thought though Amelia: I'm going to have to find new friends from somewhere Jac: don't you gays stick together Amelia: she sticks with them and I don't want to see her Jac: you move fast Amelia: I don't really have a choice, do I? Jac: I don't need friends Amelia: handy since you don't have any Jac: that's why I don't Amelia: yeah, because you only care about what you need Jac: duh Amelia: did you ever care about me? Jac: don't be stupid Amelia: did you ever care about me when it wasn't because you needed something? Jac: what kind of question is that Amelia: one I need the answer to Jac: we were friends forever Jac: what did I get from it half the time Jac: no more than you did or didn't Amelia: okay Jac: that was a dick move making me answer that when you already knew Amelia: I didn't know Amelia: whenever I talk to you I end up with more questions than answers Amelia: and end up questioning my sanity Jac: you don't need to Jac: your work here is done Amelia: you can't tell me what to do when you don't even do what you said you were going to Jac: so you're going to continue to make a bad decision, just to be awkward Jac: that's smart Amelia: because you have such good reasons for doing what you did earlier Jac: 'course I do Amelia: go on then Amelia: tell me them Jac: already did Jac: I wanted to fuck it up for you Jac: felt great Amelia: there's smarter ways to feel good, and easier Jac: I've tried those Amelia: oh well I loved being your little experiment, thanks Jac: whatever Jac: it needed to be done Amelia: no it didn't Amelia: you keep saying that Jac: you don't get it Amelia: I don't buy into your fake bullshit, no, and that's all you've given me all night Jac: what's fucking fake about the fact I can't stand to have anyone around me happy? Jac: there's nothing fake about misery being the only thing I can stomach now Amelia: you didn't break up your parents or ruin your brother's music career, you sought me out when I haven't even been around you Amelia: you're full of shit Jac: trust me, I'm doing my best Jac: and you're full of shit if you're now trying to say you don't see me every day Jac: and that it isn't the fucking worst Amelia: I thought it was, until you did this Amelia: now I can say today was the worst Amelia: you're so fucking selfish and cruel Jac: nothing has changed Jac: I sped up your inevitable break-up, that's it Amelia: no, you went out of your way to hurt and humiliate me Amelia: everything has changed Jac: if you say so Jac: it wasn't the first time for me Amelia: who are you? Jac: it doesn't matter Amelia: who the fuck are you? Jac: I don't know, Amelia Jac: alright Amelia: you can't treat people like this Jac: then tell everyone what I did Jac: I don't care Jac: you could've done something about it Amelia: what did you want me to do? Jac: I thought you might put up more of a fight Amelia: for what? Against what? Jac: because I humiliated you Amelia: it wasn't the first time for me either Jac: never like that Amelia: I'm not going to fight you Jac: your loss Amelia: I keep telling you, I care about you, I don't want to hurt you Jac: I wish you'd stop Amelia: I wish I could Jac: yeah Jac: well Amelia: it's my loss, like you said Jac: don't worry, I've got my own Amelia: that makes me feel loads better Jac: it should Amelia: it doesn't Jac: you're infuriating Amelia: says you Amelia: I'm so angry at you Jac: because I wanted you to be Jac: that's the correct response Amelia: no, because I love you too much to hate you Amelia: because it won't go away Amelia: and I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my fucking life no matter what you do Jac: I don't have the answer Jac: If I could make you stop then I would Jac: but I don't know how Amelia: me either Jac: there's nothing I can do if you don't hate me by now Jac: I dropped you for Savannah Jac: I did everything I did tonight Amelia: I was there, I don't need you to recap Jac: I couldn't have made it easier Amelia: there's something wrong with me, there must be Jac: not as bad as me Amelia: my mum said at the time that I fell in love with you years ago and I can't expect to fall out of it in a few weeks or months Jac: logic adds up Amelia: she thinks I'm over it now so clearly not Jac: you probably said you were Jac: or near enough Amelia: the girlfriend thing kind of said it for me Jac: yeah well Jac: I've had loads of boyfriends Amelia: you're not in love with me Jac: I meant it doesn't mean anything, necessarily Amelia: yeah Amelia: my mum is more old fashioned though Amelia: romantic or whatever Jac: more romantic than your girlfriend, yeah Amelia: 🙄 Jac: she wasn't good enough for you anyway Amelia: I'm not good enough for anyone Amelia: I'm literally still in love with someone else who isn't them Jac: it isn't that simple Jac: you can feel things for more than one person Jac: you just, didn't for her and she wasn't worth it Amelia: maybe other people can but I don't Jac: how would you know Jac: it just hasn't happened yet Amelia: I'm too self aware if anything Jac: that's some lesbian nonsense Amelia: I'll put it in my bio then Jac: tinder Amelia: I'm not kissing that many girls, she'll definitely think all the wrong things Jac: be kicking herself, like Jac: or is it only okay when she does it Amelia: probably Jac: just like a lad Amelia: 😣 Jac: awh Amelia: I can't be bothered Jac: with girls? Amelia: I'm not trying anymore, you didn't keep your promises anyway Jac: what does that mean? Amelia: it means I don't care, my life can stay the mess you wanted it to be Jac: alright Jac: not like I can turn around and say 'no don't' now Amelia: and if you turn around you won't see me Jac: what? Amelia: school, I'm not doing it either Jac: shut up Amelia: online maybe so my dad doesn't rage Jac: that's bullshit Amelia: so is this Jac: no, fuck you Amelia: 😂 Jac: so you all get to fucking leave and I'm the one stuck dealing Jac: nah Amelia: I've got nothing to stay for Jac: it's school, no one does Jac: jesus Amelia: you said yourself it sucks having to see me every day Amelia: I'm doing you a favour Jac: you are ridiculous Jac: you think you can just run away like this is some shit indie song Amelia: I've tried the alternative Amelia: it didn't go great Jac: you think Savannah is bad? at least her parents made her go Jac: you're such a spoilt brat Amelia: I don't think about Savannah Jac: you don't think about anything Jac: christ Amelia: your audacity is another level Jac: your stupidity is worse Amelia: yeah, I've proved that loads of times over Jac: fucking hell Jac: your life is so hard, Meelie, yeah Jac: everyone thinks its my fault, what happened to Is Jac: and the more she says otherwise, the more it sounds like it was Amelia: no they don't, I don't Jac: well you love me so you're clearly insane and a bit biased Amelia: even if I hated you I'd still know that you weren't the one who assaulted her Amelia: it's his fault, nobody else's Jac: me and Sav still ran like we had something to hide Jac: that's all anyone cares about, working out what Amelia: you were scared, in shock probably Amelia: you felt like it was your fault Amelia: that doesn't mean it was Jac: all I know is she's fucked off, no one will say anything to Is, so it's all down to me, whatever people wanna say or think about it Jac: so yeah, sorry I think your idea is fucking laughable but been there, done that Jac: didn't solve anything, it only made the rest worse Amelia: I know it's a stupid idea, alright Jac: you can't go, alright, you just can't Amelia: you know I'll fight the whole school before I'd ever fight you Amelia: I'll do it for you too, if that will help Jac: Yeah, I do Jac: nothing will help but Jac: at least you're still here Jac: nothing else is the same Amelia: I'll be in detention every day for the next 2 years if that's what it takes to shut people up Jac: I don't deserve it Jac: or anything but hate from you, and I do fucking know that Amelia: you don't deserve to get the blame for being there and being her friend Amelia: I should've been too Amelia: and after it happened we should've talked Jac: maybe it's just karma Jac: I've never been a good friend to her and by the time it happened Jac: well Jac: I made you leave Amelia: I ruined our friend so I had to leave Amelia: *ship Amelia: that's not your fault either Jac: maybe it is Amelia: it's not Amelia: I shouldn't have told you how I felt Amelia: or been jealous of Savannah Amelia: or made such a big deal about the date you went on Jac: no Jac: I get it Jac: you weren't wrong Amelia: I did the wrong thing by leaving you and Is Jac: I couldn't wish the alternative on you Jac: having to stick around and watch Amelia: I still had to watch Amelia: I couldn't go that far Jac: I know it's my fault because it happened again Amelia: what? Jac: Savannah Jac: I kissed her Amelia: I don't understand Jac: you should have been jealous of her Jac: I mean Jac: you know what I mean Amelia: you mean you felt something for her Jac: I didn't want to feel any of it Jac: but she was straight and you weren't so having her around was meant to be easier Amelia: why didn't you just tell me? Amelia: you lied and lied and made me feel crazy Jac: because I feel crazy Jac: I fucking am Jac: I just Jac: it's not like I left that conversation and told her Jac: I kept on and got with lads and pretended to like it, tried to Amelia: everything you said, everything you did Amelia: oh my god Amelia: I can't Amelia: I can't take this in Jac: like I said, it's fucking karma Jac: I fucked it with you and it happened to me Amelia: I'm supposed to feel what, that she queerbaited you? Happy? validated? Jac: I don't know Jac: probably Amelia: did you know how you felt about her when I told you how I felt? Jac: why? Amelia: because you told me over and over again that you liked boys and you'd change that if you could Jac: yes, and I told her the same thing Jac: and I acted accordingly Amelia: I've spent so long feeling horrible for putting you in that position and none of it was real Jac: it was real Jac: I don't want to be Jac: I want to be straight Amelia: it isn't a choice Amelia: and you can't just twist everything to make it one Jac: acting or not acting on it is Amelia: so why did you choose to act on it by kissing her, if that's what you think? Jac: it was a mistake Jac: when we left Jac: after Is Jac: and it was just us Jac: then it destroyed everything and she's literally run away Amelia: and then you destroyed what was left after she'd gone Jac: yes Amelia: great Jac: I'm aware Amelia: are you? Amelia: for years I thought things were one way only to be told they weren't and now you're telling me an entirely different story again Amelia: 🤯 Jac: because we don't live in the ideal world where I accept myself for liking girls and I choose the right one and we live happily ever after Jac: we live in the world where I kissed Savannah and she looked at me like I was the boy who assaulted Isabelle Jac: and that's how I feel about it, and I would rather pretend to be straight forever, and have no real friends again, than have to do that, and feel that disgust again Amelia: we live in a world that doesn't revolve around Savannah fucking Moore Amelia: because she doesn't accept you, you can't accept yourself? No Jac: it's not her fault Jac: the rules don't make no fucking sense Jac: do you know how often she told me she loved me, how beautiful I was, and smart and perfect and kind, that she wanted me in her life forever? Jac: but that doesn't mean she wants to kiss me Amelia: that's why it literally is her fault Amelia: she flirted with you more than I EVER have, or would dare to openly do because I would get called a predatory lesbian and she gets likes and follows Jac: but she meant it Jac: I know she did Jac: that's just friendship to her Jac: it's too confusing Amelia: you want her to have meant it the same way you did, like I wanted you to with me Jac: but I did Jac: I lied Jac: so I know it doesn't make a difference now Jac: but still, you weren't wrong and I did, I am, whatever Jac: it was shitty to lie, I know, I accept it Jac: but she meant it all but she is straight...how does that work Amelia: I don't know Amelia: straight people are weird Jac: I don't want to find that relatable Jac: I want to be normal Amelia: I'm not abnormal, shut up Jac: fine, straight Jac: I don't want to ever have to think about this ever again Amelia: why do you want it so bad? Jac: so I don't feel like this Jac: the not knowing Jac: how much it hurts Jac: boys are easy, I told you Amelia: because you don't like them Amelia: if you were straight you'd get hurt just the same Amelia: you said it, Valentina's no different than a lad Jac: lads just like me Jac: I've never kissed any lad and had them recoil Amelia: they liked me too, it doesn't mean I had to like them back Jac: I mean it's not the same Jac: if a lad didn't like me, he'd have reasons Amelia: loads of girls like you too, I was friends with them for a bit, I heard all that gossip Amelia: Savannah's reason is that she doesn't like girls, any of them Jac: but she loves me Jac: more than she ever did Ty, I fucking know it Amelia: not like that, like Is loved us Jac: I can't stand it Amelia: I know Jac: you know I am sorry Jac: don't you Amelia: yeah Jac: you just had come so far and had done so much work Jac: it wasn't fair Jac: what I did wasn't, but it wouldn't have been to act on it, when I wanted so badly to be straight, for everything I did tell you to be true Amelia: no, I was in exactly the same place that we left each other in Amelia: you're not the only one who can lie Jac: I'm just so sorry but that's worth fuck all Jac: I hate how stupid all of it seems now Jac: redundant Jac: but that's close to a fair punishment, I suppose Amelia: you've already been punished Amelia: and sorry always means something when it's a real one Jac: I feel Jac: I don't Jac: I'm broken Jac: I don't even want to be a person now Amelia: I don't want to find that relatable Amelia: but it is Jac: fuck's sake Jac: see, why would I choose this? Jac: even if they're weird, this never happens to straight people Amelia: of course it does Amelia: Savannah's parents are fucked Jac: just because they don't love each other no more Jac: when they got together, I'm sure they both knew Amelia: still, her mum's so broken she's barely a person Jac: all I'm saying is we're getting dangerously close to comparing being gay to a mental illness Jac: which is what homophobes say and I'm not trying to be the confirmation Amelia: it's not being gay, it's loving the wrong person Amelia: there are happy gays, I've met some Amelia: and your brother isn't being held back by it Jac: don't get me started Amelia: Jude's love life is messier than his Amelia: more dramatic Jac: he'll end up with a girl Amelia: you don't know that Jac: wait and see Amelia: yeah, I'll stalk him from afar like a fangirl Amelia: 🤢 Jac: it's not the same either Amelia: you love a competition Jac: yeah, this is so much fun Jac: him and Jude are the same Jac: it doesn't mean anything to them, so they aren't getting hurt Jac: they don't care, it's not serious Amelia: you've got me, we're very much the same Amelia: in this anyway Jac: I don't want to love anyone ever again Amelia: then don't Jac: that's why I have no friends Amelia: yeah well you don't need them, that's the line and the lie, right? Jac: it's not funny Jac: I can't be trusted Jac: with any kind of relationship with a girl Amelia: I'm not laughing because me either Amelia: I make bad choices and I'm proven stupid, remember Jac: it's so fucking isolating Amelia: school is anyway Amelia: we're all in boxes Jac: you never used to hate it this much Amelia: now you understand how much I hate everything Amelia: how exhausted I am Amelia: it'd be nice to have the solidarity if it wasn't so horrible Jac: I'm just trying to get used to it Jac: accept it Amelia: at least you don't have to see her every day Amelia: maybe that'll make it different Jac: I never get to see her again Amelia: you don't know that either Jac: I do Jac: she's unlikely to stop by when she's seeing her mum Amelia: you verbally recoiled from me, ruined my birthday, nobody would call it likely that we're talking Jac: naive optimism is exactly what got you here Jac: don't even need to scroll for the reminder Amelia: ouch Amelia: you always find new ways to hurt me Jac: you really did just say you made bad choices and were stupid Jac: continuing this conversation is just another one for the list, probably Amelia: I can say it and do so you don't need to Jac: alright, alright Amelia: you're blocked though, this is the only place you could try to Jac: I could make another post but the point has been made well enough I reckon Amelia: it's not my birthday now so there's no point Amelia: ⛅ Jac: sod you then Jac: don't want you getting the wrong impression Amelia: 😂 bit late for that Jac: yeah Amelia: my dad'll be up soon I'll just wait ☕ Amelia: don't need you to entertain me any further Jac: you gonna tell him about your shit birthday Amelia: I'll tell them both we broke up and they'll be thrilled Amelia: it's all they want to hear Jac: you can tell them it was my fault, it doesn't matter to me Amelia: why would I do that? Jac: dunno, but having someone else's parents take over and shout at me for a bit might be mildly entertaining Amelia: they think I'm over you, they want me to be better Amelia: I'm not going to ruin the lie Jac: rude Jac: but fine Jac: guess you don't owe me Amelia: no, I don't Jac: enjoy your coffee then Amelia: it'll taste disgusting like it always does Amelia: the biggest lie of all Jac: you aren't as exhausted and sad as you say you are Jac: the taste would've been acquired by now, you massive child Amelia: I've had to hide it longer than you Amelia: I'm just more skilled and hilarious Jac: so you're better at being sad? Jac: and I love a competition 🙄 Amelia: 😏 Amelia: I've acquired a taste for anything with a high enough alcohol content, there you go Jac: I was drunk before I got there and that was still apparent Amelia: haven't needed stitches yet Jac: that's something Jac: anyway, how'd you figure you've had to hide it longer? Amelia: because I have Amelia: you were sitting pretty on a ☁ with Savannah for ages Amelia: nothing could touch you up there Jac: that's where you're wrong Amelia: I'm not letting you win again Jac: 😏 Jac: it's not like I was fucking boys because I thought I wanted to Amelia: okay 🏆 no need to make me cry thinking about that Jac: they aren't that bad Jac: well, usually Jac: just not as interesting, it didn't make sense Jac: why we would waste time we could be together instead Amelia: it's really sad Amelia: as 💔 it was seeing you with lads, I thought it was at least what you wanted Jac: they aren't the ones that made me 💔 Amelia: I know but Amelia: I can't imagine doing that, or how it would make me feel if I thought I had to Jac: well you're much softer than I am Amelia: excuse me, it took you years to break me, Savannah did the same to you in 1 Amelia: you're not that hard Jac: I think that says more about Savannah than it does you Jac: but alright Amelia: right, because she's so perfect Amelia: I actually can't compete Jac: shut up Amelia: it's true Jac: it isn't that simple, I keep saying Amelia: it's as simple as you've already said, she's straight and I'm not Amelia: it was safer for you, except it wasn't Jac: you make it sound Jac: ugh Amelia: isn't it? Jac: you think I'm a right cold, calculating bitch Jac: and I'm not saying you're wrong but it was nice when you thought otherwise Amelia: we can't go back, you really drilled that into me Jac: I know Jac: oh well Amelia: oh well? that's the best you can do, yeah? Amelia: doesn't sound very calculating and well planned out Jac: because it's all over Jac: the only thing I've got left is uni and the career I want Jac: nothing else can or is going to exist Amelia: that's more than I've got Amelia: I haven't exactly been concentrating on my app Jac: well you're going to run away and find your Thelma aren't you Amelia: you ruined that fantasy with reality Jac: yeah right Jac: you're still a hopeless romantic Amelia: with a 🚗 I can't drive yet Jac: have you had any lessons yet Amelia: no Amelia: I keep asking my dad but he's always too busy Jac: go ask him now Amelia: I've drank too much to go now Jac: well duh but he'll feel so bad for you he'll make time tomorrow or whatever Amelia: and we're back to calculating Jac: someone has to if you wanna be wild and free Amelia: 😂 Jac: how early is it Jac: will the library be open Amelia: it's weird that the library is still open at any hour Amelia: you're literally the only person who ever goes there Jac: excuse me, only child Jac: you try and study with a house full of annoying kids and dogs Amelia: I'm fine with a 🏠 swap, I don't feel like studying Jac: yeah only if you make it permanent Amelia: you wouldn't take my guest room for a night, I don't think I'd be able to make that happen Jac: because you were there Amelia: rude Jac: sensible Amelia: nothing's going to happen Jac: yeah exactly Amelia: what does that mean? Jac: it means we aren't going to be friends Amelia: why not? Jac: I told you why Amelia: I'm not asking you to care about me, I'm saying I'm here for you Jac: No Jac: I wasn't joking when I said I can't have friends Amelia: I know you weren't Jac: that includes you Jac: especially you Amelia: okay Jac: okay Amelia: good morning then Jac: 👋

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