#there was an issue with my doctors appointment so now I can't be seen until the 25th | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xxlovelynovaxx · 4 months

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I am so fucking enraged right now.

Everything I have ever learned about MCAS has been from other people with MCAS. Triggers, treatment protocol, secondary symptoms (and even sometimes primary ones), everything.

I am going on four years since I first started seeing allergists for this specific symptom set.

Not ONE has done more than a basic scratch and blood test and then told me to come back in six months if I'm "still experiencing symptoms". I got LUCKY that my pcp at the time was willing to do a urine tryptase test and also knew that a negative result wouldn't disprove MCAS. But she still completely didn't understand exactly how ignorant and lazy allergists in the area are and seems to think it's my fault I haven't gotten a diagnosis yet (I know I delay scheduling appointments because of my trauma, but that's also a fucking disability, Laura.)

They've prescribed me albuterol inhalers for my asthma, which I just found out TODAY is a major trigger.

I've had to rely mainly on the SIGHI food lost plus gauging my own reactions for what's safe to eat, and between that and sensory issues and being too disabled to make food I have to live in a constant state of reaction anyway and just manage it to try and go at least a month or two between ER visits for IV prednisone because I react to the inactive ingredients in the pills - and I've started reacting to something in the IV form too.

I'm sick ALL THE TIME and the worst part is statistically I'm not even halfway through the average time it takes to receive a diagnosis, let alone start treatment. I live in an area with two allergist practices that take Medicaid, and neither knows the first thing about MCAS.

One told me the only treatment was albuterol inhaler, flonase, and h1 and h2 blockers - never mentioning cromolyn sodium, montelukast, xolair, quercetin, or any of the other options past the first line that was already not working for me. I rely on quercetin and DAO enzyme from amazon (the DAO enzyme they don't have a ton of scientific proof of efficacy yet, but it seems to be working and even if that's placebo effect it doesn't seem to be HURTING).

They tell me to avoid my triggers but don't even themselves know what those triggers even LIKELY are (what foods are high in histamine, that exercise and heat are triggers, etc).

I am doing all the work of researching what tests have to be ordered, what the results would be to prove MCAS, what treatments are most effective and in what order you try them, all while having to pander to and tiptoe around a fancy signature in a lab coat's ego while they prescribe me things that are actively making me sick to the point they are effectively poisoning me.

I have to bend over backwards while also dealing with my severe (and ongoing!) medical trauma just to get doctors to not do what is allegedly the OPPOSITE of their jobs. I'm trying to get the lifesavers to actively not kill me through their own negligence and ignorance.

Doctors are lifesavers like the police are here to fucking protect and serve. If I ever hear another person refer to a medical professional as an "angel" I'll assume they mean "angel of death".

This isn't just one doctor, either. Every primary care provider I've ever seen, every specialist... I had my latest pcp FLIPPANTLY tell me "oh western medicine isn't really good at dealing with chronic issues. If you have strep or a perfed bowel, we know how to fix that, but otherwise you're basically SOL."

I'm only paraphrasing the last fucking acronym. The rest of it is word for word, I just can't remember the exact phrasing for that last acronym but it was the exact same meaning in slightly more "professional" wording.

On a related note, I fought doctors to get a wheelchair for my POTS until I gave up and only happened to luck into a charity that provided me one I could at least be pushed in, though I can't self-propel it. They kept trying to send me to physical therapy - which with how sensitive I am MCAS-wise to ANY exercise, could very well have made me worse.

Actually scratch that it would have bc just getting to the car and back two blocks away (city living) without doing anything else is enough to flare me for days. Doctors are apparently allergic to taking accessibility into account when treating disabled people. /bitter

I just... truly want to burn doctors as a profession and as people to the ground. It's a profession so deeply hostile to disabled and chronically ill people as the standard while purporting and being celebrated and being paid big bucks for at best doing jack shit and at worst actively killing us. I'd say "I could avoid crawling under the bar which is fucking UNDERGROUND if I were a doctor" but the fucked up thing is the system is literally set up to not just disincentivize doing so, but to actively prevent it and weed it out.

There are no good doctors like there are no good cops, because the good ones are either forced to quit or leave.

This is why I call myself anti-phys. Because I'm so pro-ACTUAL MEDICINE like you wouldn't believe. With human bias as removed as possible from the actual science, with disabled and chronically ill people being the first and foremost priority of every aspect of every medical and medical-adjacent profession - yeah, I ADORE good, accurate medical science. I want to fucking do medical research as a fucking career! I'm not against (consensual) treatment methods involving anything from medication to physical therapy to any other methodologies we know!

It's doctors serving only to gatekeep care and medical knowledge as a profession, who have absolute life and death power over disabled people and wield diagnoses like weapons as tools to discredit us and cover up their own neglect and abuse of us. It's the way the science is so incredibly biased and that this is in part because medical professions are designed to be inaccessible and hostile to disabled people as an integral part of the whole system. It's that the medical profession serves to uphold structural ableism and is built with that rot at its very core.

I have these fucking hellish chronic illnesses that continue to be fucking degenerative as a result of information purposely being kept from being disseminated and treatment being withheld, and if doctors were what their image portrays, I would have them minimally well-managed, if not some of them in remission.

These diseases are stealing years of my life away from me that I will NEVER get back, and doctors are in all actuality basically aiding and abetting them in doing so more effectively. It's beyond the cruelest of satire. It's beyond inhumane. It's eugenicist and more than borderline genocidal.

How much do I have to say: I'm terrified. I can't do this. I can't keep returning to people essentially mass-produced on a fucked up assembly line to oppress and harm people like me to beg them to this time not try to kill me and to instead do what is supposed to be their jobs. I don't have any fight left in me to do so.

I can't keep returning to the people responsible for upholding a system which strips me of my single most fundamental rights - to life and health - along with every right needed to guarantee those; and prostrating myself before them to the point my nose and forehead leaves a gouge in the floor, just to desperately plead for my life and find it weighed unworthy against their egos.

I can't advocate for myself against my very literal abusers anymore. I've been beaten down one too many times. At least this way, it's only lack of treatment that's making me sicker, and not active abuse and trauma which is retriggered and all those lovely things (/sarcasm on the word lovely). At least this way, I'm not getting my hopes up like a damn fool that maybe this time they won't hurt me, maybe this time they'll treat me the way they promised, maybe this time the same exact mass-produced abuser wearing a hundred thousand faces will treat me right.

(And don't even get me started on how the very literal definitional gaslighting of traumatized people and especially people traumatized by oppression and marginalization, the assigning of the labels of "crazy" and "irrational" and not reliable narrators on the harm and abuse they've experienced factors into all of this.

If you decide that trauma means people aren't actually capable of reliably determining an actual threat and that they're all jumping at shadows you can ironically use the label of traumatized to argue that victims are never experiencing any actual further trauma, and even honestly in a bizarre contradictory twist of logic that they never experienced any in the first place and it's ALL just a nebulous abstract sickness of the mind.)

I mean this purely in a metaphorical sense, but it feels easier to just lay down and let these illnesses take the rest of my life from me slowly. It doesn't hurt as much to bleed to death from a million tiny papercuts as it does to be repeatedly STABBED and then the worst of the wounds cauterized so I only bleed as much as a papercut from most of them, all while the papercuts continue and some of the stabs are left a leaking faucet to both drag me to death quicker and to steal my time by driving me out of my mind with sickness and agony.

I feel hopeless. I'm in a constant state of re-grieving, and being helplessly angry and impotent in part by virtue of both the physical illness and the trauma, and being triggered and retriggered and retriggered, and feeling hopelessness and despair, and holding on to a thinning thread of hope that is little more than fading light slipping through my fingers, and you know?

Of it all, the hope hurts worst. It keeps driving me to dash myself against the same fucking rocks as if anything will change. Chronically ill people are so often labeled insane, but isn't the definition of insanity doing the same visits to a god complex with a stethoscope over and over again and expecting different results?

Then I remember the entire communities of medical professionals fakeclaiming people with specifically my illnesses and calling us attention-seekers and drug-seekers and making fun of us for "thinking" we might have anything other than a "psychiatric" ailment (read: "crazy") while our bodies crumble around us. I remember that this is normal and even encouraged. And I think that it really is easier just to take comfort in despair, and stop torturing myself with this imaginary ideal of my illnesses actually being treated by doctors.

I think it's probably not possible to ever be healthy, because it's doctors job to stand at the gates of health and not let anyone in from our side.

Can't have us challenging what it means to be healthy, after all.

#ableism #sanism #discourse #anti phys

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madpunks · 1 year

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i need medical professionals to understand that medical negligence kills.

i am in involved with my medical care- i have to attend therapy, see a psychatric medication manager, a primary care doctor, physical therapists, and a gender affirming care specialist. i am seen by a lot of doctors and have been in a lot of different medical settings. lately i have hit a rough patch where i cannot seem to have my situation taken seriously

my blood pressure has been so high, for months now, that i was within stroke and cardiac event territory several times. my doctors ping-ponged me between one another- i was prescribed blood pressure meds when i stayed in the psych ward in july. then my psych nurse refilled them, but told me my primary care doctor must be the one to refill them, because she doesn't know anything about bp meds. i asked my pcp, she told me "have your other doctor fill them out, then, since you had them filled over there before."

it took me months to get my life saving medications back. i cried in front of a receptionist at a later appointment where i was told the provider could not see me for our scheduled appointment time that day because "i hadn't filled out the paperwork". they never sent or told me about paperwork. they took my blood pressure after i explained my frustration and booked me for an emergency appointment with a pcp the next business day. but it took until i cried and my blood pressure was dangerously high from stress for someone to care.

i finally have it, now, but i am also fighting for my psychiatric medications as well. the psychiatric meds manager i mentioned above went on maternity leave and someone filled in for her. this doctor didn't know me. he asked me many questions, but never waited for my answers. he spoke over me, told me some of my diagnoses were wrong/misdiagnosed me, and took me off of several of my vital medications. he stopped my bipolar mood stabilizer because he said it didn't help with bipolar mania- he never asked if i was needing help with mania, depression, or mixed episodes. he just assumed.

he also stopped my seroquel- i am a schizoaffective person- because he didn't like the dose i was at, but because i am fat, he said i needed to be on the antipsychotic that was the least likely to put weight on me. he put me back on risperidone. i had been on it in the past. it caused me severe depression. he didn't ask what it did to me. he just put me back on it without question. i haven't touched those damn pills since i got them from the pharmacy. i am already severely depressed as is, i can't even fathom.

while i was discussing a personal event that happened in my life that affected me, my therapist earlier today asked me "why are you letting something so insignificant have power over you? why would something like that make you suicidal? why are you letting this person have power over you" i had finally lost my patience with her, and i snapped, and told her why i was justified in feeling so unwell. i gave her the context of my situation, and didn't back down. i'm firing her next session. later on, my case worker informed me that's victim blaming, and that it was not okay for her to minimize my issues or make me feel like i in some way made my feelings happen of my own free will. i felt so incensed i had to do something about it.

i can't really sleep at night right now. i can't focus, my energy levels are all over and my depression is ruling my life. im struggling with invasive thoughts and horrible painful suicidal lows. i need people to understand that this type of medical negligence can kill. any of this could've killed me at any point. this is not acceptable. this is what american mentally ill people in care deal with. please understand that this is not how anyone should have to live.

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alostlittleriverlotus · 11 months

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sitting here saying I am in incredible pain, saying the pain I have every single day, while my mom patronizingly says "that's rough" or pats my knee sympathetically.

My dad jokingly says "you're too young to have problems" or "it only gets worse from here" or "welcome to being 65."

I am 21 years old. 3 years ago I demanded to see a doctor because my knee pain was making it difficult to walk. I have had pain since I was a child and it has only progressively gotten worse. My parents are in charge of getting me appointments (with my help since I'm over 18) because of my autism, overwhelm, mutism, and shutdown and severe anxiety and avoidance. They handle finances as I have about $10 and that's it and can't work.

Getting the patronizing "sorry you're in pain :(" when I have made it clear when the issues started years ago and got written off as annoying and complaining and it progressed to the point where I barely leave my bed or get up at all and I try my best to do things to ease the pain pisses me off.

I demanded to see a doctor. My mother said she would. She didn't. And now getting these jokes and patronizing stuff pisses me off. You are literally metaphorically spitting in my face. My knee and back issues have only gotten worse to where I struggle to even do the bare minimum of myself.

And I am mad. Because it NEVER had to get this bad. And doctors now overlook my issues for my weight. I had bad blood pressure ONCE and it was immediately chopped up to my weight/exercise even though they know I have diagnosed anxiety and I was literally getting a vaccine that day, I have a fear of needles! Since then, no blood pressure issues cause I am blessed with perfect blood pressure apparently.

I just. Am so fucking mad. And over these past 3 years? I have seen my parents work hard to be healthy, go to the gym, get medical help for every tiny issue they have. While I am sitting here, just trying to eat right to keep my IBS from killing me and to prevent low blood sugar problems. It's apparently been my responsibility since I was like fucking 5 to make my pain known, but it only got written off. And even when I state clearly what I want and experience, it gets overlooked.

I can't wait to move in with one of my close loved ones cause they not only believe me, but they help me. Ray helped me get an OBGYN and without his help, I probably wouldn't be on birth control and have gotten diagnosed with PCOS. My friend who is literally my age is the reason I got diagnosed with PCOS and got help for it at all.

I just...am so fucking frustrated. Like actually fuck so many adults in my life. And stop blaming child me for not "letting you know." I was a child, it was my normal, I made it clear I was in pain and you didn't once think "maybe we should get this checked on."

When I move out, I'll be with people who believe me and can help me stand up for myself. I'm no good at facing doctors especially with my trauma and mental blocks and disorders. But I have hope. It's just living with the every day annoyances until then, the ones that make me just wanna scream or fight. I swear to god.

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happyhealthycats · 1 year

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Consultations Closed - Why?

Consultations were a very great option for me in getting to know the cat in question, the family that I would be helping, and the area where the cat would be living. It helped me get hands-on examples of what would work where and set up a plan of action for the family.

Unfortunately, though, over the past few years, my experience with pet owners and the industry in general helped turn me on to a lot of hard truths.

The work I do works best when done in tandem with a veterinarian. A lot of people want me to assure them that they don't need to involve a doctor, when unfortunately that's always the first step with cats. This is an issue on an individual level - where I am now, working on my own - but it was also a problem in the hospital where I worked.

(I'll put the rest under a 'read more' to save your scrolling)

Some veterinarians saw my studies and experience as valid. I acted as a veterinary technician for them on cat appointments, they would ask me professional questions about their own cats, and best of all - they would recommend their clients to me. It was a really awesome symbiotic relationship.

Other veterinarians saw my certification as kinda bunk. At the end of the day, I never claimed to know more than the vets, and would always defer to them. But just like human doctors, veterinarians are entitled to their professional opinion, and they didn't see a certified school and hundreds of hours of volunteer work as valid experience. At least I was working in a place where I could GET more valid experience in their eyes, though. Instead of seeing me as an option to share the load and help with cats that were strictly behavioral, I was really just another glorified receptionist and was kind of treated as such.

So similarly, when I see a cat experiencing a lot of anxiety - beyond what an owner can realistically relieve on their own, I want to recommend that a veterinarian look into medication. Cats can be prescribed low doses of common anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. Much like any medication, this needs to be monitored by a healthcare professional, unfortunately if I don't have a relationship with that cat's veterinarian, I don't know what their standpoint on behavioral medication IS. I can be at a complete standstill on progress with a cat, but the owner's seen the same vet for years, and the most they're willing to do is suggest a vitamin supplement. I see the cat equivalent of an anxiety disorder and they want to put the vitamin equivalent of a warm glass of milk on top of it - that cat will just not overcome the problem at hand and will continue to experience anxiety.

I will say the veterinarians have valid reasoning. These medications are technically being used off-label when used on cats. Where it comes to splitting hairs is that there are a LOT of readily accepted medications in veterinary medicine that are already used widely for their off-label use - which veterinarian is comfortable with what is kind of up to the individual. (There are also a lot of other reasons but this is already too long)

Obviously you do what you can, but I can't ask folks to see another vet, or keep going to different vets until you get one that's willing to discuss a possible fluoxetine prescription.

I also was the one making appointments for the hospital, I had full access to patient records. I was able to go back and see histories and do basic fact-finding on my own time and it was a BLESSING.

At the end of the day, unfortunately. Folks lie. Pet owners like to lie too. And it's not done maliciously, we know! Mostly for me it was whether or not a cat had been seen for a specific issue. I would ask if a cat urinating outside the litter box had been to the vet for this, they would say yes they were just here, and I could check to see that the cat was here for a wellness appointment - not a sick appointment. And the cat's urine hadn't been tested - which is absolutely necessary to rule out any other issues first.

If I can't take a peak at the cat's medical information, I have to go into a consultation with a major disadvantage. Not impossible, but a lot tougher.

I've considered offering consultations with the signed approval of a veterinarian, that way I can actually do a better job bridging gaps in knowledge to better help the cat, but unfortunately that doesn't solve my other issues.

Pet owners are extremely litigious.

In other words, they will sue you quickly, often, and without remorse.

While the petblr community is very vast, it does lack a certain group of adults who are...we'll say...EXPECTANT of certain things? These people, unfortunately, are very loud and very destructive. During my time at the hospital I saw SO MANY lawsuits. It's unfortunately an industry standard, though. We may have been a magnet for some of the more extreme clients due to the nature of our practice, but nevertheless, in the USA, it's INCREDIBLY common to get lawyers involved with Fido's vet bill.

Veterinary offices have legal protection. We had meetings with our lawyer and he regularly came to office get-togethers.

The single Cat Behaviorist working out of the back of her car does not have this protection, though.

My prices are as low as they can realistically be - $250 for an in-person 2 hour consultation and 3 months of follow-ups (I cover 3 states, and had I stayed with the practice I would have needed to extend to a 4th). $150 for a video consultation. $50 for just a general advice session. These were the prices I set with the veterinarian in charge of our office - they were in line with other local dog-training, but marked down because unfortunately folks won't pay as much for cats as they will for dogs.

But I was not making enough money doing that in order to properly legally protect myself just in case anything happened. Even cases that a client has no hope of winning can be devastatingly expensive for someone who only made $250 that week doing a single consultation (because no matter HOW low my prices went, I never got more than 2 consultations per week).

I loved doing consultations, but unfortunately it just wasn't feasible. I still love giving advice, and helping folks with their issues. Bringing it back to tumblr is my hope of reigniting that spark and inspiring others to learn about their cats.

#cat behavior

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pleasantlycrazyworld · 2 years

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Steve harrington X Female Reader

Might be a bit self-inserted but I needed to hear this lol.

More angst but it has reassuring Steve

Triggers:talks of finances. Talks of doctors but not in depth.

Hope you all enjoy it! If you do please consider reblogging and commenting

Y/N has been extremely overwhelmed. She knows that if she talks to Steve he would listen to her and be as supportive as he can be but she just can't bring herself to talk about her problems with him. He has his own things going on in his life and she doesn't want to bother him with her issues.

Today has been the worst day she's had in a long time. First she gets told she can't register for spring classes until she pays her college fees, which she has no idea on how she'll get that much money. And then her doctor tells her she needs to do a bunch of testing for the next few months to figure out whats been going on. Y/N is riddled with anxiety, she just wants to go home and cry.

Driving home Y/N is struggling to focus, her eyes keep filling with tears and she just can't stop thinking of all the things that need to get done. ' gotta go make dinner' 'dishes need finishing' 'need to get a loan first thing tomorrow' 'need to make more doctor appointments' while all these thoughts are racing through her mind she doesn't even notice she pulled into the shared driveway she shares with Steve.

She grabs her things and walks to the door. Opening the door she shuts it and slides down to the floor. Sobs rack through her body with such aggression that her chest tightens. It feels like she can't breathe and this causes her to cry even harder.

Unbeknownst to her Steve was already home for the day, just in the other room he heard her unlock the door. Glee filled his body, 'She's home!' His eyes widen and the smile falls off his face just as quickly as it grew just seconds before. Hearing her sobs he races to the living room. The night before him kills him. It's a dagger to his heart. "Oh my God baby what happened?" Steve rushes to her side to help her in any way he can.

Steve sits on the floor with her and pulls her to his chest. Slowly he starts to rock back and forth with her in his arms. He's never seen her this distraught. Y/N starts to collect herself, the crying slows but once she starts rambling to him about the anxious spiral she's been experiencing all day the tears start right back up. This time, it was ten times harder.

Steve notices that Y/N is going into a panic attack and he remembers what she told him before. If I ever go into a panic attack, help me with my breathing. Instantly he starts to move her hand over his heart and he urgently yet calmly talks to her through her breathing.

"Breath with me baby. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Follow me." He demonstrates a proper breathing technique to help her through. Following his breath she feels herself start to calm.

Once her breathing is normal again Steve picks her up and they move to the couch. "Talk to me baby, what happened today?" Y/N starts to rant about everything, " I have to take out another loan for college or I can't register for any of my classes for next semester, my doctor told me I need a bunch of testing in the next couple of weeks to see what the issue I've been having is from and I just don't know what to do. Everything was okay and now it feels like the world is crumbling." Steve's own chest tightens hearing this. His girl was in pain and by the speed in her voice as she tells him all this it doesn't seem like she would have told him any of this, if he hadn't caught her crying to herself. "Princess….you can always talk to me. Always. Your problems are my problems, we're in this together. And I'm so proud of everything that you have accomplished. You can do anything but you can not do everything. I'll come to the bank with you tomorrow morning, we'll figure out your finances for your classes together. And for your doctor's, we will go to appointments together and we will go through whatever she has you do together." Y/N doesn't know how to feel. Her whole life she has felt like she needs to do everything herself, that if she asks for help she'll get ridiculed for it but here she is, having the love of her life talk to her about how he is here to help. In this moment she realizes that Steve is the love of her life, that he is the best person she has and she would never change that.

Things are hard right now. Life is hard. But they'll get through it together.

#steve harrington x you #steve harrington imagine #stranger things imagines #stranger things headcanons #youre so strong #stranger things #steve harrington #stranger things imagine #stranger things x reader #steve stranger things #steve harrington x reader

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jamesluckycl0ve · 4 months

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i hope that you aren't ever aware of the last time your mother is the one to look after you, rather than the other way around. mine was my birthday last year. i was so worried about her potential cancer diagnosis and so aware that she was consciously trying to get me to have a nice time, making a cake, taking us out for lunch, but i knew it was already over and i knew what the doctors were going to say because of my training and the speed with which they scheduled the results appointment so i couldn't even enjoy it. it was raining extremely hard, and the rest of the family went home after lunch, i'm told that the dog stopped walking half way home because she refused to walk in the rain and had to be carried like a baby.

the two of us went to a jeweller to get me an earring for my birthday. we got so drenched on the way back from town especially because i was too preoccupied to pack a coat. i haven't taken the earring out since and i don't think i ever will, not until 'it's safe' is what my mind says but i have no idea what that means, just OCD talking i imagine, and of course i love it, so why would i. i know she'll never be the one i burden my problems with ever again. she can't be a shoulder for me, only the other way around now, and that's fine but i wish i couldn't put my finger on the last time. i'm lucky it happened at all, some people don't ever get that - least of all her, as she grew up in an abusive, neglectful household, so god knows how she managed to scrape together one of the best examples of parenthood i've ever seen and been so privileged to experience, despite the issues with mental health she's had her whole life, like many of us. she apologises all the time for 'putting this on me' and 'putting me through this' and it's like. how could i be anywhere else, how could i ever be doing anything else, although i have to keep working of course. as if anything matters as much as this. who gives a fuck. i can't even be there, i can't imagine what it's like for her, or for my dad. there is a nodule on her thyroid they're worried is cancer. there is a nodule on her lung she needs another CT scan for. there is still no word on whether she'll need chemotherapy for the primary cancer on top of the radiotherapy which still hasn't been scheduled. it's only my mind i'm losing and i can work on that later, i hope.

#tw cancer #sorry to be melodramatic but i can't stop thinking about this #for obvious reasons #sorry there is no art like genuinely i wish there was #talking out loud is so hard compared with writing it all down lmao #this is such a downer but i have to time stamp these feelings for when they pass if they get to

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lesbianslovebts · 2 years

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Watching Extraordinary Attorney Woo has been really fun. I've been dying for representation, and this is the first show I've seen with an autistic woman as the main character. There's all this extra drama since it's a drama of course lol, but I think it's done a pretty good job of showing the different types of ableism that we face. So, I'm enjoying it, but I'm also struggling to watch it because it makes me reflect on my own life. I'm still waiting for my official diagnosis. My test date is October 3rd, and then I'll have to wait even longer for the results, but...

I didn't talk until I was 3, and then it was "in paragraphs," according to my mom. Even though I could physically talk, my mom still had to talk for me at doctor's appointments, restaurants, and stores until I was in my mid-teens. I was bullied relentlessly in school, and I didn't know why. I thought my bullies were my friends even though they made me feel bad. I had to quit public school completely and taught myself high school online. I had a nightmare about those bullies a couple nights ago. I'm 26 years old.

I couldn't eat most things, and that was a moral failing instead of an excruciating experience for me. I've been able to overcome most of those texture and taste issues, but I still eat the same things every day and get anxiety if anything is different or unavailable. I've always been sensitive to noises and only recently bought noise-canceling headphones. I still can't wear certain fabrics or handle scratchy tags or use adult laundry detergent. I've always been scared of stepping into an elevator or onto an escalator or going through a rotating door. I still run into things, trip over my own feet, and drop stuff daily.

I had no empathy as a child, my memory has been obliterated by trauma, and my perfectionism is debilitating. I graduated summa cum laude from a private college with a double major and distinction. I was inducted into 3 academic honor societies, including Phi Beta Kappa. I live in my mom's basement. I now work in a call center that only requires a high school diploma. I didn't tell them during the interview that I can't order my own pizza over the phone without scratching my thighs and pacing for 15 minutes first. I still managed to slowly work my way up despite the exhaustion that comes with masking on the phone for 40 hours a week.

I've fallen in love a few times throughout my life, but I've never had someone call me their Girlfriend with a capital G. I'm the most loyal, dedicated person. I may not catch all the nuances or subtext in social interactions, but I pay attention. I do things. I make things. I fold origami and make math into art and draw and cook and bake and write poetry and give these pieces of myself as gifts. I study languages, watch documentaries, and read books. I'm improving myself.

I am so fucking lonely. I want to talk with my friends regularly, but I don't have the energy. I want to go on dates, but I get sick with nerves and can't handle the change in routine. My heart is broken. I can't request accommodations at work unless I have proof that I'm broken. That proof comes from a broken system that makes me wait 6 months and charges me like they want me broke. My brain isn't broken but society breaks me.

#autism #actually autism #actually autistic #ableism #disability #extraordinary attorney woo #llbtspost

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satanfemme · 2 years

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that anon being like "if your psych isnt working tell them" i told my psychiatrist this recently. my depression got better when i stopped being able to take my meds bc of nausea. maybe we can adjust them, i said. i'll take em as much as i can until i hear from my psyciatriast but i don't think it's normal to get better if you're unmedicated, i said. my psychiatrist ghosted me for weeks. i asked my therapist to contact her. she ended up seeing my psych at the building they both work at sometimes but my doctor just ignored her when she went to ask. then today i get this email saying that despite antidepressants being known for worsening depression sometimes, they're actually working fine and i have to come in asap - for another eval, because "your email concerned me and i believe you may be experiencing psychotic symptoms leading you to believe your medication is flawed. your therapist and i discussed it (a LIE according to my therapist) and we worry you may become violent if not seen" like. sorry for venting in your ask, this is mild in comparison to what many people face from psychiatry (i've also had Much Worse happen to me) but i saw it like 3 seconds before i saw that ask u got and i guess just pissed me off. "doctors always have good intentions" - only the experience of a small group of people that don't look or live like me or anyone i know. its 2022 and psychiatrists are still awful & it won't change without change. wake up anon lmao

oh man that's really difficult, and honestly even if worse things happen, I'd still say this is pretty bad and I hope it works out ok for you :-(

I recently had some issues with a psych pressuring me into anti-depressants too, where when I stopped my last attempt at them, the withdrawal was (/is) BRUTAL and I'm just so sick of trying these things when they're all so bad for me, that now I'm trying to stop. but my psych is still trying to get me onto a new one anyway (which I can't even afford...?). so now I'm too scared to schedule a new appointment with him, which has me worried about my adderall prescription running out and how I'm gonna deal with that 🙃 it's a whole mess

now if only we didn't restrict lifesaving medicine behind a million different hoops and bills, ending at a personally-assigned biased stranger who holds complete power and final say over what treatments you Are or Are Not allowed to do...... hmmmm 🤔.... and ofc pro-psych bootlickers will say this stupid convoluted system is the only way we can be controlled trusted, lol.

#Anonymous

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helly-watermelonsmellinfellon · 2 years

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Now Dave is whining because I have a beard...

Literally, my doctor thinks I have PCOS but can't do anything until I see a OB/GYN to confirm it. The problem is that they only have one and it's a man. A man Bethy has already seen and DOES NOT like and is apparently rude. My primary care physician legit told me to keep my beard and let it grow out up until I manage to get to an appointment with said OB/GYN. Just so I can have more proof.

Even she thinks I need to have the beard just to prove to some man that I'm having issues.

I don't want to have a beard. Just a few years ago I didn't have one at all. And now it's widespread, thick, and black and can't be ignored. It also regrows so damn fast that by the end of the day it's growing again. I can't do anything about that.

#ugh!

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itsnotyouitslyme · 1 year

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Dear Body, I'm sorry.

BLUF: Your body might not be the reason you are sick and it is suffering just as you are. Try to be kind to your body, don't be like me. While on my road trip I did some introspective thinking. Driving is probably where I do my best thinking honestly. While I was pondering life, how to recover from POTS, how it got this far, etc. I thought about something my POTS specialist said during our appointment last week.

"Your cardiac tests are not for a lack of effort. I can see that your heart is doing everything it can, it gave it everything it had." Since I was 17, there has always been a part of me that resented my body and the cage it represented. That resentment has only grown with each piece of my life that has been taken away from chronic illness. It's not that I sit there and think "I hate my body" 24/7 but those thoughts that sneak in about my body being a prison, my version of hell, or how I feel as though my body is decaying while I'm still inside it...that can't be healthy.

I work in mental health, I know it's not healthy.

How do you stop those thoughts when its your body that's betraying you every time you turn around? First I lost energy, then my mind (cognition and memory encoding), had pain that led to intense fear of never having that pain again. I overcame Fibro through stress management and just listening to my body. But by listening to my body, I had to cancel plans or not go on trips when I was feeling poorly...resentment builds.

Then I get diagnosed with Endometriosis, cool my body is just being a jerk at this point. My endometriosis is almost completely controlled by continuous birth control. Every few weeks or so I get cramps like a period but they don't last long at all.

Then I can't have Gluten...I have Celiac and Hashimoto's. The Hashimoto's is not going well. Apparently, my autoimmune response levels is something that my specialist has never seen before and I am being sent to a research endocrinologist. My thyroid medication gets upped every 8 months or so since I've started to need in 2018.

Now POTS and the stupid elevated heart rate issue (I cannot for the life of me remember what he said it was called). The weight gain I've experienced throughout the past 2.5 years, is unreal. It's demoralizing and I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

HOW does someone not end up resenting their body throughout all of this? I think the quick answer is: you can't.

The longer answer which I did not realize until literally 12/23/22 was that my body didn't do this to me, it was also done to my body.

Everything I am going through, everything my body is dealing with can all be traced back to a singular point: Lyme Disease. Unfortunately, I've had two late stage Lyme Disease incidents...that cannot be good for anyone's body.

It sticks in my head "your heart gave everything it had." This entire time I've harbored this resentment towards my body like a dog with a bone collection, just looking for more reasons to add to my collection. This entire time my body has been doing everything it can for me. It's not my body's fault that ticks found me and that I never had a bulls eye rash to notice I was bitten. It's not my body's fault that my doctor's don't listen to me on my first suggestion. None of this was my body's fault and this entire time I've been placing a large chunk of the blame on it's shoulders.

I read peer reviewed research, I know that Fibromyalgia and POTS don't appear out of no where but yet I just kept on with my resentment. I'm not sure why it took me so long to acknowledge this within myself but I am doing my best to have a few moments of self talk with my body to apologize and acknowledge how hard it has been working while under assault from disease but also from my spirit.

I know a few days of love and appreciation doesn't make up for 16 years of gaslighting my own body but I have to start somewhere.

#mental health #pots syndrome #pots #lyme #lyme disease #fibromyalgia #fibrolife #chronically ill #hashimotos disease #thyroid

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dontcare77ghj · 4 years

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Bedside Manner

Natasha x reader x Wanda x Pepper

Tony had renovated an entire floor of the Tower into a medical wing out of necessity. He'd employed an array of doctors to be on standby because he had to. Made sure there were enough medical treatments for enhanced and non-enhanced individuals alike.

Tony did all this because the Avengers were a bunch of clumsy fools.

Those were Tony's words whenever someone asked him to describe the team.

Natasha would usually cut in and add that he was apart of that statement, which would generally cause a small argument between the two.

You and Pepper would fondly roll your eyes at the two before Pepper would change the topic.

If you wanted to be honest, the four of you spent too much time in the medical wing for your liking.

For Natasha and Wanda, it was an occupational hazard. The two were Avengers. They defended the Earth against aliens, and assholes too injuries were a part of the job.

You had also been put into the medical wing a handful of times. Not because you were an Avenger, no, you were a civilian, but because you were just a klutz in general. Something your partners found very endearing to your embarrassment.

Pepper was the only one in your relationship that didn't find herself in a hospital bed every other weekend. The woman could be hopping a marathon in ten-inch heels and not so much as falter.

Waking up in the medical wing, in a bed or by someone's bedside, became a regular occurrence in your relationship, much to Pepper's horror.

"Knock, knock." You rapped on Pepper's door. "I had an appointment with my favorite CEO." You smirked, leaning in the doorway.

"Sweetheart, I didn't know you were coming." Pepper smiled, looking up from her work.

"I wanted to surprise you." You said, entering and closing the door behind you. "I also come bearing gifts." You added, holding up a greasy paper bag.

"Do I smell fries?" Pepper asked, taking it out of your hands. "Oh, have I ever told you how much I love you?" Pepper groaned before kissing your cheek.

"Once or twice." You smirked, taking a seat across from her. "I thought I should feed you before you waste away."

"Good call." Pepper nodded. "I might have to work through dinner, thought I was going to have to skip lunch too." She said, munching on the given fries.

You sat with Pepper talking about your days as she ate and continued filling out paperwork.

"Miss Potts, Miss L/N, Dr. Banner has asked me to alert you that Miss Maximoff has been admitted to the infirmary floor."

"Ow!" Wanda whined, pulling her wrist into her chest.

"Yep. That's a sprained wrist, alright." Bruce said, moving to pick up a roll of bandages. "A pretty nasty sprain too."

After FRIDAY alerted you to your needed presence, you and Pepper had raced up to the infirmary to see Natasha waiting by Wanda's bedside.

"How did you sprain your wrist?" Pepper sighed. "Nat left you alone for ten minutes.

"A lot of things can happen in ten minutes." Wanda protested.

"Not wrong," Natasha smirked, squeezing your thigh.

"Nat!" You gasped, pushing her hand off your thigh. "Jesus!" You exclaimed, cheeks turning red as Natasha cackled.

"Can the two of you behave for five minutes?" Pepper sighed. "We're in the infirmary, and Bruce is right there."

"I didn't even do anything." You protested.

"Wanda, how did you sprain your wrist?" Pepper asked again.

"I was practicing using my powers," Wanda mumbled as Bruce wrapped her wrist. "I lost concentration, and a bookend hit my wrist." She admitted. "Please don't laugh."

"No-one's laughing." You assured her. "Sometimes, things just happen, and you get hurt."

"Y/N would know that the best," Natasha commented, receiving Pepper's elbow to the ribs. "Ow."

"Everyone has clumsy moments." You said. "It doesn't mean we're going to think any less of you if you accidentally injure yourself."

"Like the time Y/N walked into a door," Natasha smirked.

"Okay, you know what, Romanoff?"

"Relax, we still love you despite how clumsy you are," Natasha said, throwing her arm around your shoulders. "Trust me, Wand, it doesn't matter how clumsy you are, you'll never be worse than Y/N."

"How badly is she hurt?" Pepper asked as she rushed into the waiting bay.

"We don't know yet. Cho is still checking her over." You said as you and Wanda stood.

"What happened? Are the two of you okay?" Pepper questioned, pulling the two of you into embraces.

"We're fine," Wanda assured her. "Nat pushed Steve out of the way and got hit. We had to force him to go to the debrief instead of waiting with us."

"God. I hate the three of you. You're going to make me go grey before I hit my prime." She sighed, sinking in a chair.

"You love us." You reminded her, taking a seat beside her.

"I do. I won't deny that." Pepper said, taking one of yours and Wanda's hands and squeezing them tightly.

A door snapped open, causing the three of you to turn quickly. Cho came out, standing in the doorway as you all jumped to your feet.

"How is she?" Wanda asked outright.

"Natasha's okay. She has some bruised ribs and, judging from the bump on her head, we're assuming a concussion as well, but we think she'll be just fine." Cho told you, holding the door open.

"Assume?" You asked. "What do you mean, you assume she has a concussion?"

"Natasha hasn't woken up yet." Cho sighed, leading the three of you to Natasha's bedside.

Natasha was plugged into several IV's and to a heart rate monitor. She looked so peaceful resting in the white bed, but it did nothing to quell your anxieties.

"But that doesn't mean anything bad." Cho quickly added as Pepper and Wanda sat beside the sleeping redhead. "All my scans indicate there to be no brain trauma or any similar issues. The worst injury is a possible concussion. I'll give the three of you some space." She said before leaving.

"I'm gonna kill her if she ever does anything like that again." You sighed, sitting beside Wanda.

"Get in line," Pepper said, pulling out her phone. "I'm ordering her favorite chocolates."

"The Russian or German ones?" Wanda asked.

"Would it be overdoing it if I got both?"

"Get both. You get hungry after a concussion, trust me." You said.

"Fair point." Pepper nodded.

"I'll order us some dinner," Wanda said, pulling out her own phone. "We could be waiting for a while."

Natasha woke up two hours later. Her concussion was apparent from the second she woke up, but she did appreciate the company and the chocolates.

You hated days like today. All three of your partners were out and busy while you were at home with nothing to do.

Natasha and Wanda had left at the crack of dawn, so you hadn't seen them since the night before, and Pepper had left at seven before breakfast.

It was only noon, and the day was dragging, so you decided to busy yourself with tedious household chores.

Laundry was next up on your list. The four of you usually sent all your clothing out for laundering, but you needed something to do.

You had just overloaded a tall basket and were making your way down the stairs when it happened. A shirt fell out from the basket at the wrong time, and you stepped on it.

The basket flew from your hands as you slipped down the long flight of stairs. You were out before you hit the bottom of the staircase.

Non-reader POV

"One of us needs to inform Steve the war ended. He doesn't need to be drill Sargent anymore." Wanda muttered, drying off her hair.

"I get where he's coming from, we do need to be a team, but I agree with you," Natasha said, packing up her duffle.

Steve had demanded everyone arrive at the compound at dawn for training exercises. He'd spent the next seven hours forcing everyone into team, partner, and solo training simulations until everyone was feeling the hurt.

"I can't wait to go back to bed." Wanda sighed. "Maybe we can coerce Y/N to join us."

"That does sound nice." Natasha smiled. Natasha was pulling her hair into a ponytail when her phone rang shrilly. "Go for Romanoff."

"Agent Romanoff." Cho greeted. "I'm required to inform you that Y/N is in an infirmary bed. Again."

"What happened?" Natasha asked, gaining Wanda's attention.

"Y/N had a fall and has broken her leg," Cho informed Natasha. "It's a minor fracture, the bone didn't pierce the skin, but she will be in a cast for at least six weeks. And I'd like to keep her here overnight."

"Have you called Pepper yet?"

"No, I haven't been able to reach Miss Potts. My call went to voicemail."

"Wanda and I will be right there," Natasha said before hanging up. "Y/N broke her leg. Call Pepper let her know it's a code pink."

Reader POV

"Hi there, got yourself into a bit of a mess have we, sweetheart?" Wanda asked as she entered with Natasha on her heels.

"Please save the mocking until my next dose of pain blockers." You begged, leaning against your pillow.

"No-one is going to mock you," Wanda said as she and Natasha took seats beside you.

"Yet. No-one is going to mock you yet." Natasha smirked. "Because if it were anyone else, this is kinda funny."

"I hate this." You groaned. "Cho said I can't even go home tonight. Last time I ever try to do the laundry."

"It was a sweet thought, dorogoy," Natasha said, taking your hand. "But from now on, let's just send laundry out."

"Jesus Christ, I'm going to kill one of you these days," Pepper said as she rushed in. "Are you okay?" She asked, pulling you into a hug.

"I'm fine, Pep. A little bruised, a little broken, but I'm fine." You assured her.

"We can all see your leg, Y/N," Wanda said, tapping on the cast. "Cho says you're gonna be in it for six-eight weeks."

"Which means bed rest," Natasha told you.

"Lots and lots of bed rest." Pepper agreed.

"When she wakes up, she'll need to be on bed rest for at least a week," Cho explained, leading you, Natasha and Wanda forward. "That means no strenuous activity in the slightest. I don't even want her reaching for her tablet."

"No work. Got it." Wanda nodded.

"She can try walking a few steps every day to avoid pneumonia. No baths for two weeks, showers are okay, but she has to pat the area dry. Now, full recovery after a surgery like this is about four weeks, but Pepper's a fighter, so it could be three."

"Is there anything else we should know?" You asked as you all entered Pepper's room.

"I think I've covered all the bases. When Pepper wakes up, make sure she drinks some water, and then FRIDAY will call me down to check her over." Cho told you before leaving you all alone with Pepper.

"God, she talks about us giving her grey hairs, I think I just lost a decade off my life span." Natasha sighed, collapsing heavily onto a chair.

"I'm waiting for my heart attack to kick in." You agreed, sitting on the arm of Natasha's chair.

Earlier that day, Pepper's appendix had burst. The four of you had been having breakfast when it exploded, and Pepper collapsed to the ground in pain.

Natasha had called Bruce and Cho while you and Wanda set about trying to help Pepper. Before you could actually process what was happening around you, Pepper had been whisked away to the med bay, and the three of you were in the waiting bay.

"She's going to feel like shit when she wakes up," Wanda commented, putting another pillow behind the woman's head.

"That is an understatement." Natasha snorted. "Thank God Cho's got her hooked up to the good stuff."

You, Wanda, and Natasha sat in Pepper's room, quietly talking, for three hours before Pepper began waking up.

"Hi, hon." You smiled, taking one of her hands. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” She groaned, turning her head towards you. “Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being in the medical bay?”

“Don’t think you have, sweetheart.” Wanda smiled.

“Well I hate it.” Pepper said firmly. “No more, we’re all banned from being in here from now on.”

“You’re really out of it, aren’t you, kisa?” Natasha asked, pushing hair off her face.

“I love you though. I love all of you.” Pepper added, as though she hadn’t heard Natasha. “Even if you all give me grey hairs.”

“We love you too, Pep.” You told her, pressing a kiss to her hairline. “Despite you just giving us a heart attack.”

The four of you spent more time in the med bay than any of you wanted, it was almost a second home, but there was one good thing that came out of your time in the infirmary. The four of you all got to work on your bedside manner.

Taglist

@rvgrsbrns @smilexcaptainx @hopingforbarnes @starlingelliot @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @jelly-fishy-babie @skeletoresinthebasement @agent-barnes40 @reann-loves-sebstan @skadikh @summergeezburr @buckybarton03 @sunshinepower17 @bindythedemon @natasharomanoffismywife @keenmarvellover @alissaginger @storiesbystarlight @buckybarnesplumwhore

Natasha Romanoff Taglist

@natasha-danvers @5aftermidnight @ohfuckno

All women

@imnotasuperhero

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jedimasterkelly · 3 years

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Shit happens when you're a woman. A lot of shit. Bad shit. And a lot of the time, you will run into doctors who do not listen to you. Will not care about you, and will not take you seriously.

This story is about the Great Cancer Scare of 2020.

I was 49, and 3 yrs post menopause. I was pleased about that, as it means no more period ever. I could deal with the occasional hot flashes, and the snapping of necks of anyone who dared bother me. Then in May of 2020, after the pandemic fully hit and the University I work at closed and sent all of us to work from home, I got very sick. Not from Covid, thankfully, but something else. I had started bleeding, and it wasn't menstrual blood. It was bright red and HEAVY. I was filling post-natal pads within 2 hours. I called the Women's Clinic where my OB-GYN lived. They couldn't see me until July. WTF! I called my GP, who got me in on an emergency basis, I mean, 3 yrs post-menopausal women don't just spring a leak, you know? My ovarian function had been almost nil for 3 years. He called my OB-GYN and demanded I get seen right away. They made an appointment for 2 weeks later. Keep reading, because it's quite a ride!

Seriously! 2 weeks later!

In the meantime, my GP discovered my thyroid was tanked out, so I was put on Levothyroxine 25mcg. It helped a lot. I started to feel a little bit more human, at least in the brain area. I finally got in to the OB-GYN, and he did a biopsy and trans-vaginal ultrasound. We got the results 2 weeks later and he called me in to go over them. He said I had hyperplasia with atypia. Cells were dividing rapidly, and he was very concerned. He recommended an endometrial ablation, or a full hysterectomy. At 49 he wasn't concerned with me having a sudden maternal urge (I have no kids), so he was fine with either choice. I decided on the hysterectomy, because why not? Endometrium grows back after an ablation, and why bother at my age? Just yank it all and let me get back to my life.

He said he didn't feel safe doing the procedure, since the cells were most likely cancerous and rapidly dividing, so he sent a referral to one of the cancer centers in OKC. I expected a call within a couple of weeks. I mean, really, if I have the early stages of endometrial cancer, they'd call me in immediately, right? Right?

Crickets. Literal crickets for 4 months! I was very concerned, hell, worried I was going to get full blown cancer and these jackasses weren't going to try and help me at all. I called OB-GYN several times during that 4 month period, and was told the cancer center in OKC wasn't returning their calls. I called them numerous times, and could never get a person on the phone.

I was told it was the pandemic. The pandemic was shutting everything down and causing huge backlogs for non-Covid issues to be seen. I told OB-GYN to refer me to the oncologist from Tulsa, who also worked once a month in Stillwater at the SMC Cancer Center. He didn't want to, he wanted me to see the doctor in OKC (who wasn't returning anyone's calls!) I called SMC Cancer Center and asked how soon I could get in with Dr. Thomas. His office called back within 2 hours asking for my chart and biopsy results. I had the Womens Clinic send my information to Dr. Thomas in Tulsa. Within a week, they called and had me on the schedule to see him in Stillwater on his next visit.

This is where the story gets good. And by good, I mean, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Thanks for sticking with me this far.

Got in to see Dr. Thomas. I researched him and learned we have the same Alma Mater. That day, we were both wearing t-shirts from said same Alma Mater. Instant bonding! I also work in Administration at said same Alma Mater, so we spent some time discussing (gossiping) about my department since he had taken classes with a lot of my faculty during his undergrad. Then he got serious and handed me my biopsy report. He told me he was going to assume I wasn't shown this, since I am:

1. A Master's of Science graduate student in Education Leadership - this making me a researcher who knows how to do research, do research, and understand research.

2. Work full time in a Physical Sciences department at a Big 12 University.

3. Edit manuscripts for my Dept. Chair, thus proving I am scientifically literate. You can't edit scientific manuscripts without having a good, solid knowledge of said science. If he's alternating between "adsorb" and "absorb", I have to understand his research in order to correct his manuscript. This is important because his manuscripts have to be peer reviewed before they can be published in a reputable journal.

"Read it to me, out loud," he said.

I started reading from the paper in my professional scientist voice. It didn't take long before I began to falter as I came to the realization I had been lied to.

"Read it again," he said.

This time, I read it with a lot more heat in my voice.

Diagnosis: no hyperplasia with atypia, no abnormal cells detected

Dr. Thomas waited for me to explode. I didn't. I just stared at him in anger and horror. He offered to do another biopsy to make sure, but he suggested I fire my OB-GYN immediately and find someone who actually gives a shit about me.

I was still randomly bleeding, 6-9 weeks at a time, so we agreed on another trans-vaginal ultrasound and biopsy. The attached photo shows he took 3 samples from my uterus. He wanted to be sure.

A little ditty about endometrial biopsies:

They hurt like a motherfucker.

Take 2-3 ibuprofen before you leave the house to go to your procedure.

Relax. It usually only lasts a couple of minutes. The doctor normally takes 1 or 2 samples. Pinch, snip, clip, done.

Not this guy. He wanted to be surely sure.

He went for a 3rd pinch snip clip. My uterus seized up in the most painful spasm I ever had in my life. I almost came off the table. He was seated on a little rolly stool so he shot back away from me before I could connect his head to my foot. He triumphantly held up his little weapon of Uterine Destruction and declared, "Got it!"

"Yeah, you almost got your ass kicked mister," I growled at him.

"It was worth it to get this beauty of a sample."

So, after a biopsy of your uterus, expect some bleeding and cramping. I had severe cramps for 2 days. I was not amused. We're talking laying in bed with a heating pad and ibuprofen every 4 hours kind of cramping.

Got the results back in a couple of weeks. No cancer. No hyperplasia. No abnormal cell growth. He recommended I find a new OB-GYN fast. I decided fuck it, I'm done. I'm never seeing another OB-GYN ever again.

Dr. Thomas said several times he's convinced my issues are endocrinal. I filed that away in the back of my mind.

(if you ever do test positive for cancer and you are in the Tulsa area, I highly recommend Dr. Eric Thomas! Make sure you have a sense of humor with him.)

My GP started pressuring me back in March of 2021 to find a new OB-GYN. The Women's Clinic has several, but they have a fucked up rule you can't switch doctors there. So if you go there, you are stuck with the same doctor and can't move over to his colleague on another floor. I saw my GP again, and asked if he was still best buds with a gynecologist who had his own clinic. He was always full, and not taking new patients, so GP would have to call his buddy to get me in.

Which he did. Buddy-GYN's office called the very next day to schedule me in. He had been sent my chart and was concerned about the long bleeds (6-9 weeks in duration) and why the fuck were they happening after being 3 yrs post-menopause.

I went in for a consult in April of 2021. First thing out of his mouth, "Has anyone ever talked to you before about PCOS?"

I laughed.

I laughed because every GYN I saw over the last 20 years told me I didn't have PCOS, endometriosis, or any sort of hormonal issues. I was just fat, lazy, and a piggy pig pig. I actually had one OB-GYN tell me to go on The Biggest Loser. Fat shamed while sitting there naked on his table after an invasive exam of my female bits. Thanks a lot, asshole.

I told him about that. He informed me he could tell by LOOKING at me I have the classics signs of PCOS. I use an epilator on my crazy man-hairs, so he asked if I was tweezing or waxing. I about fell out of my chair. Nobody ever believed me that I was having to remove crazy thick hairs off my chin and neck all the time. He asked if I ever had ovarian cysts. Affirmative, I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts the first time one exploded back in 1994. He stood there, holding the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

"Well, going by your chief complaints, your abdominal circumference, history of bursting cysts, and no period for 3 years, I am saying you have PCOS."

He went on to discuss my need for an appointment with an endocrine specialist, he was convinced my thyroid tanking out sent my ovaries back into production, and now my hormones are all over the place, most likely, and I needed specialized care.

He must have talked to GP, because I soon got a call from the endo clinic to come in.

This post is already long and tedious, but I am happy to say I finally have 3 doctors who listen to me. My new Endo doc tripled my levothyroxine and scheduled a follow up blood test for next month. Buddy-GYN talked me into a pap smear and cervical exam in July as well. He also wants a mammogram, which I begrudgingly need to schedule so he doesn't chew my ass in July when I walk in with no results. GP is working on my other issues (weight, bad fluid retention, etc...). We discovered from a blood test last Friday my iron levels are dangerously low. I am now on a Rx iron supplement. I've always struggled with anemia, but it never occurred to me or GP to check my iron levels. If you're a woman, and you feel like absolute dog shit and your doctor can't figure out why, have your iron and electrolytes tested. It'll probably take about 3-4 weeks for me to see any results from the iron supplement, but I can already see a reduction in fluid retention.

In September, I have an appointment with Dr. Le at Integris in OKC. He's a bariatric surgeon. I have gained so much weight from having PCOS and Hypothyroidism that I need to drop a lot of fat fast. I'm pretty healthy - I don't have the normal problems obese people tend to have. I'm not diabetic, don't have sleep apnea, my cholesterol levels are good. I am what they call "healthy fat" which seems like an oxymoron. However, it will improve my chances of getting approved for a sleeve gastrectomy.

I turned 50 last week, and had to endure 3 decades of no one listening to me. I feel I lost so many years of my life and I can never get them back. I hope this post reaches a lot of younger women having issues. Keep looking for a doctor who will listen to you. It sucks we have to hunt for these unicorns, but they do exist. I finally have a good team who actually cares about me.

You have a right to be listened to! You have a right to be heard!

I was asked: Who are my doctors?

Dr. Daniel Brown D.O. Stillwater Physicians Clinic

Dr. Yasuto Taguchi M.D. Taguchi Women's Clinic

Dr. Wynter Kipgen M.D. Stillwater Diabetes & Endocrinology

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addictofsupernatural · 4 years

Text

OHSHC Rewrite: Episode 3b

Beware of the Physical Exams!

Host Club x reader

Summary: When the hosts convince y/n to get help, she finds trouble instead.

Word Count: 5.4k

Episode Masterlist

"Y/n, we've come here today to talk about a problem regarding you."

You looked around nervously, and began your verbal diarrhea. "Okay, um, first of all, I want to say I'm sorry. I know it's our number one priority to make the clients happy, and I was side tracked, and that's on me. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have been unprofessional with Alarico and that's super my fault. I know I need to get 100 guests and I'm only at 39 but I can do better, and again I'm really sorry for everything about yesterday, and—"

"Y/n," Kyoya cut you off. "This has nothing to do with your quota, or Alarico Gonzalez's behavior."

"Oh." You said dumbly.

"This is about your anxiety attack."

"Oh." You grumbled, though you quickly regained your composure. "I'm sorry you had to see that senpai."

"It was no trouble, and I've read that they can be very sudden and frightening to those who get them." He stated.

"We're really worried." Hikaru said.

"Yeah," Kaoru agreed. "When Kyoya told us, we had no idea how to help."

"You have to take care of yourself y/n-chan." Honey clutched usa-chan.

"Yeah." Mori said.

"That is why," Tamaki said, pointing to you. "We've decided to set up an appointment with the school therapist today!"

"Woah, let's not take it that far. I'm okay guys, really."

"You didn't look okay when you had trouble breathing yesterday." Kyoya stated.

"That was just a little hiccup!" You explained. "Things happen. I'm okay now, which is more important, right?"

Tamaki stepped up to you. "You're going to therapy, and that's final!"

"No." You said forcefully. This struck his feelings, and he sulked in the corner. You sighed. "I'm sorry I worried you all, and I'll be careful next time. I don't want to waste time and cut any classes so a therapist can tell me depressing things. I just want to forget about sad stuff here."

You gave them a smile. "Well, she seems unmotivated." Hikaru stated.

"But how are we going to get her to agree?" Kaoru asked.

Mori then thought of something. "Squishy ice cream."

That struck a nerve. You gasped and carefully looked at them, and Tamaki then got up. "That's right~ You were so busy last episode that you never got to try any, did you~?"

"Did you hear that?" Hikaru whispered mockingly. "She's never even tried squishy ice cream before. Isn't that sad?"

"Talk about a tragedy." Kaoru whispered back.

You nervously laughed. "C'mon guys, you don't really think of me as such glutton because I'm poor and never had it that I'd force myself to go to some therapy for some ice cream would you?" You kept nervously laughing, and everybody else smiled at you. You then quietly asked, "What time is the appointment?"

"We knew it." The twins said.

You scoffed and smiled. "You guys are something else. Why do you even care about this?"

"Don't refer to yourself as this!" Tamaki exclaimed. "If you need anything, know that I'm always here for you."

"You mean all of us are here for her?" Hikaru asked.

"As I said before, you are all the homosexual supporting cast!"

You let out an involuntary laugh. "Really senpai? Supporting cast?" You asked, walking over to them. "That's a little self absorbed of you." You then thought of something. "Can you guys do me a little favor though? Let's keep the therapy sessions to ourselves. My clients get worried easily and I feel weird when they get curious and ask me about my issues."

"Well, your appointment is right after the physical exams," Kyoya explained. "So that might be an issue."

"Alright then," Tamaki announced. "Gentlemen, it's time to enact The Keep Y/n's Secret Safe Plan!"

Later that day you walked with the twins to the physical exam, though the line was going to be too long to not miss your therapy session. When you went in there, your mouth hung open. "What the hell is this?!"

"It's just a regular physical exam." Hikaru said.

"I've seen malls smaller than this." You whisper shouted, speed walking to hold each twin by the arm, timidly looking at all the people and fancy stations. "This is so out of place for me. I feel so awkward."

They paid no mind to you gripping onto them, or at least tried not to. "Seriously y/n, you need to stop being amazed and scared at everything here." Kaoru said.

"I was amazed and scared of the host club when I walked in. Look at us now." You offered. Neither of them said anything but looked down at you. You then saw Mori and Honey dressed up in doctor attire. "Wait, what?" They put their fingers over their mouths shush you. "So obvious." You muttered.

"I have those two for back up in case this plan doesn't execute properly." Kyoya came out and explained.

"Why are they in doctor uniforms?"

"It helps set the mood." He pushed up his glasses. "Disguises make our mission feel like a real espionage."

You watched the doctor encourage a girl as three other nurses clapped for her. "This is weird." You said. "All the staff here are actually nice."

"Of course." Kyoya said. "All staff is chosen by the chairman. It is a school, but it's also a business. He wants the students to be happy, and most students here already have their own doctors for their families. So this, is just a formality."

You quietly scoffed and shrugged, shaking your head. You and the twins kept walking when someone bumped into Kyoya, and Kyoya's gaze lingered on him.

"Huh." The twins then began taking off their shirts to do their exams, and girls started squealing. "See now?" Kyoya asked. "Physical exam day is quite popular with the ladies."

"Hm. My physical exams in y/c had us also do exercise. Everybody was rude and just wanted to get everything over with, and that makes more sense than this." You then shook your head. "But girls here would probably still be squealing for that too because sweat is apparently attractive too."

The twins were being themselves and girls continued squealing. Mori and Honey took this as an opportunity to push you into a corner nobody was in. Tamaki then caught you from behind. "I've been waiting for you princess." He said in your ear.

"Tamaki senpai?" You turned your head.

He giggled in your ear. "You're so cute when you're surprised." He then stepped back. "This is it, the inevitable moment."

"What are you gonna do?"

He shushes you with his finger. "Don't worry, I'll protect you." You felt your cheeks tingle. That was until he put on a wig and stepped into the exams area. "I am ready to take the exams." He announced in his best impression of your voice.

"Hey, is Tamaki trying to dress as a girl?" One girl asked.

Tamaki was shocked, as if he didn't realize people would notice. The twins then bursted out laughing. "He actually did it!" Hikaru laughed out.

"I can't believe he didn't know that wouldn't work!"

Tamaki blushed and angrily grabbed Hikaru. "Why didn't you tell me it wouldn't work?!"

"It's payback for calling us homosexual supporting cast!" He laughed out.

Tamaki looked over at you shyly with big sad eyes. "Um, listen y/n," he timidly said.

"Did you really think that would work?" You asked, and your tone showed that it was a genuine question. He said nothing but pouted, causing you to glare at him. "Big words senpai. Small execution."

"Come this way y/n," Kyoya said. "There's a private room waiting for you."

"Senpai, you look like your enjoying this." You smiled at him. Tamaki dropped to his knees in the background.

Kyoya was smiling as well. "Well, I did need to get my revenge too. I don't appreciate being called supporting cast, homosexual or otherwise."

You both walked away as Tamaki weakly reached for you while fading away. You then went into a room with a female nurse. "Good morning Miss Y/l/n. It's a pleasure to meet you. I've been informed of your circumstances, so we can hurry along this process."

"Thank you ma'am."

"Of course. Step right this way please. You can undress in there." You nodded and stepped inside the dressing area.

The boys were listening to this girl cry about a doctor who supposedly made a pass at her. "I've never been so terrified." She cried.

"How scary!"

"Do you think he was a pervert?" This girls were huddled around her for comfort.

"I had a feeling this might happen." Kyoya thought out loud. "Earlier today I saw a strange man in a white lab coat, though clearly not one of our doctors.

"Shouldn't you have said something sooner?" The twins asked in an annoyed manner.

"I'm sure it's no big deal. I'm sure the security guard will catch him." Kyoya offered.

They still listened to the group in the back. "Tell me," said a doctor. "Did you see where this man went?"

"Yes sir, he was headed towards the private clinic down the hall." The boys were all silent as they realized that he was going to your room.

You had just unbuttoned your shirt, leaving you in your bra. You were about to take off your pants when a man went into your changing room and was peaking outside. It was almost like he didn't see you. "W–um, excuse me, but—"

He rushed over to you and covered your mouth with his hand. "No, it's not what you think. Please just be quiet."

"Y/n!" You both turned to see Tamaki in the air. "Tama-chan~ kick!" He kicked the man in the face and sent him flying into the wall. Tamaki then spun in the air a few times before coming down to the ground.

The twins then appeared. "One. Good looks that attract the public eye."

Kyoya then stepped out of the shadows. "Two. More wealth than you can imagine."

Mori then spoke up. "Three. Chivalry that will never be able to overlook,"

"The hideous wickedness of this world." Honey finished.

As you hugged yourself Tamaki gently placed his own shirt over you. "That's what make up the Ouran Host Club!"

They posed, with an exception of Mori and Kyoya, saying, "We're here, watch out!"

"Please don't hurt me! Spare me my life!" He bowed as you buttoned up Tamaki's shirt. He then got back up. "I run a small medical clinic in the next town over."

You were taken aback by the sudden fact. You looked at Honey, whispering, "Why is he telling us his life story?"

Honey shrugged, and you all listened. "My name is Yabu." You suppressed your laughter, since Yabu is another word for quack doctor. "You see, I came to find my daughter. My wife left me a month ago and took my daughter with her! I know that my daughter goes here."

You sat down to be at the same eye level with him. "Well now that I'm invested into the story, I gotta ask. What happened to make them leave?"

He explained that he kept giving people money and they don't usually pay them back. The latest time was the last straw, and they both left. "I can never say no to anyone. I don't blame them for not wanting to constantly live in debt. But I wanted to see my daughter one last time, so I wandered through the streets and was pounded by rain until I came here. But once I entered I was mistaken for a doctor, here to examine students!"

You smiled. "You mean they mistook the guy wearing a lab coat as a doctor? That's... wow."

"And then it happened," He ignored you. He then explained how he asked a girl for directions and she ran away screaming. "And before I knew it, there were all kinds of people chasing me!" He was bursting with tears.

"So tragic!" Tamaki was also crying.

"Pardon me," Kyoya said. "But I think you may have the wrong highschool. Are you looking for Ouran Public Highschool?"

"Yeah?" He stopped crying and looked up.

"I figured that might be the case. This is Ouran Academy, private institution. Your daughter doesn't go to school here."

He looked shocked, and the twins began to voice their opinions. "Man, you don't even know where your daughter goes to school? That's pretty sad." Hikaru said.

"Yeah, I bet your relationship's messed up because you don't pay attention to them, not because of some stupid debt."

"Wow Kyo-chan, you figured that out pretty quickly." Honey congratulated him.

"Well, the daughter of such a small business man could never afford to go here." You scrunched up your nose I'm response.

"Kyoya," Tamaki said. "Could you make a map of the public schools in this area? I'd like to help this man."

Kyoya looked surprised for a second, but smiled and regained his composure. "Whatever you say."

As the man got up you stepped in front of him. "If you'll allow me to give some advice." He nodded. "If you get there and school is still in session, don't just go in. Wait until she's finished with school, or else you're gonna look like a creep and she'll be too angry and embarrassed to talk." He said nothing and nodded, bowing. He left soon after, and you were all still in the private room. "Well, sorry to do this, but can you guys please leave now?"

Everybody looked surprised. "Y/n, are you still angry with me?" Tamaki said. "You're not going to quit the host club are you?"

You turned to him and smiled, patting his shoulder. "Don't be silly senpai. I need to get to that stupid therapy sesh and you need to put on a shirt. I just gotta take the physical exams and I'll give it back to you." You then turned around and smiled. "Let's get this straight though. I'm not doing it for some food, I'm doing it for my debt."

You giggled, and Tamaki smothered you with a hug. "I can see right through you! I know you're doing it for some squishy ice cream!"

He was smothering too much. "Okay, stop it! The shirt's riding up!"

"Red card!" The twins said in unison. They then dragged Tamaki out and everyone else followed.

You finished your exam fairly quickly and was guided by your nurse to the room of your therapist. "Good morning." She grinned. "Please sit anywhere you'd like."

You had decided right then and there that this was going to suck. There was fancy decor and expensive looking items. There was a nice looking couch and even nicer looking chairs. She had a desk that looked like it costed way too much, and she wore expensive clothing. This was all too much. You didn't belong in this room.

You silently sat on the couch. "I hope you feel your most comfortable self with me, so we can talk about anything you want." Her grin was still on and her tone was still chirpy. You said nothing. "Do you want to begin the conversation?"

You hesitated before speaking up. "May I ask about your background?"

"My background? Well that's an incredibly boring subject, but go ahead! Let's not have any secrets between each other, okay?"

You were silent for a moment again. "How were you brought up? Was it surrounded by things like this?"

You didn't try to smile. You didn't want to be here. There wasn't anything wrong with you, so there wasn't a reason to be here. Besides, this room itself was giving you anxiety. "Things like this? Well, I'm not really the materialistic person, but if you're asking me if I was born into a wealthy family that helped paved the way to my position, then yes. I was born into this."

Her smile never faltered, and you didn't like it. You didn't like the feeling of any of this. Exposed, you felt so exposed. It made you put your head down in shame. "Then don't you think you're a little overqualified to be talking to me right now?"

She was taken aback, but began writing in her notebook. She slightly nodded to it, as if she had decided something. "My, is that what you think?"

What the hell would she even write from that? That you have self esteem issues? That you're self conscious about yourself here? You deserved so much squishy icecream for this. You only shrugged.

"You don't seem very relaxed right now. Maybe we could talk about why that is." You shrugged again. Her smile almost left her face, but she hung onto it. "We can't make any progress if you we don't put in effort dear."

You sucked up your annoyance and smiled, bringing your head up. "If you want me to be happy about this, you could've just said so. And the reason why I'm uncomfortable is because this room is making me uncomfortable."

She then wrote in her notebook again. "I see. Is it the atmosphere? We can go outside to the garden if it makes you feel any better."

"Is this session a one time thing?"

She chuckled. "That's not how progress works."

"Then we can stay in here so I could get used to this feeling."

It was like she cornered you. She knew exactly where to strike. "Do you always feel like you need to comply to things? Like you have to be the one to adjust?"

You frowned. "Where did that come from?"

"Please answer the question dear."

"I don't know, I guess. I have to though. It's not like everybody else has to change their viewpoints to accommodate only me."

"Do those viewpoints make you upset?"

"No."

"I'd appreciate if didn't lie to me."

She seemed to have every one of your moves calculated. She suddenly knew how to outsmart you. "Sometimes, I guess. I don't know. They'll say a comment or two about how different commoners are to normal rich people. It's weird. I never considered myself normal, but I'm different for another reason here than before."

You wanted to slap yourself for saying that. She only wrote in her notebook again. "How were you different before?"

"It just sometimes felt like us against the world. The four of us were unbreakable and we didn't care that it was that way. I felt proud to be looked down on, in this weird way, because my friends were down there with me laughing at everyone else."

"And now?"

"Now I'm down there alone. Everybody looks down on me, but there's no one else to share that with. It just sucks sometimes."

"You have two separate friend groups that you mention. Do you feel differently towards the one back in y/c than here?"

"I never felt ashamed with my y/c friends, I guess. I don't know. They knew everything about me, and they still loved me for it. Maybe I feel like my friends here will just pity me if I open up more?" You brought your knees up and buried your face in between them. "Ugh, no offense doctor, but this sucks butt. I thought this was supposed to help me with my anxiety."

"And you don't feel anxiety when thinking about your new friends finding things out about you?"

You couldn't help but let out a laugh and fall to lay of the couch. "Damn it, you're actually pretty good."

"People can be more complex than you might think. Just as you feel like they won't understand you because of your background, you aren't giving them a chance because of their background." You looked up at her. She was still smiling.

You chuckled. "You really do suck." You then sat up straight. "Hey, how are other people like with your sneaky forwardness?"

She waved off the question. "Oh, I'm usually not like this at all. I normally have to go through this journey with them until they figure it out on their own. I figured you weren't like that and would prefer someone who wouldn't baby you. It's actually quite nice to get straight forward answers back."

You genuinely smiled. "I'm sorry doctor, I think I underestimated you."

She had a different smile on this time. "Hm. Tell me something that your new friends don't know about you."

"That's kinda hard. One of them ran a background check on me."

She chose not to push her luck and not ask about that. "Well, it can be a small fact."

You let out a sigh and looked down again. "I mean, I was at the store the other day and bought them all keychains. Once I brought them to school I realized how worthless this would be to them. So I just kept them.

"Pushing for a better relationship with your friends will maybe let them push with you. They might like the gifts. You don't know until you try it."

"Thanks doctor." You smiled at her.

"One last question, how did you act with your old friends? Were you touchy feely or more to yourself?"

"Um, touchy feely I guess." You then thought about how you and your friends never really had respect for each other's boundaries, though none of you cared. "Really touchy feely actually."

"Try to work on getting to that level with your new friends." She then checked the time. "Oh, it seems we just ended our session. I'm glad we got this far, and there's so much more to talk about. I'll see you next week."

"Yeah, okay." You smiled and got up.

"Oh, dear,"

You stopped. "Yeah?"

"Why don't you give your old friends a call? You seem like you miss them."

"Okay." You said, chirpy. "Bye!"

You walked back to the physical exam area, and everyone was just about finished. All your friends stared at you as you silently walked over to them. You didn't say anything and looked spaced out.

"Y/n," Tamaki quietly asked. "Are you mad at us for sending you to therapy? You're making a face."

"I'm just thinking senpai." You didn't look at him.

"About quitting the club?!" He grabbed you by the shoulders.

You gently poked his face and pushed it away with your finger. "About whether or not I should give you guys something." The bell rang and you looked at the twins. "Oh, let's go guys. Bye everyone."

Nobody said anything. You went to your class silently. "Uh, y/n?" Hikaru asked.

"Hm?" You turned to them.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kaoru asked.

You smiled and hugged them both. "I'm sure."

After school you decided to use your phone and call the one person you know who also has a phone. The other two were also there, and the three were planning to see you as a surprise on Monday. Luckily, Jasmine can't keep a surprise to save her life.

You entered the host club with a big smile, setting down your bag to turn and see all the boys staring at you. "What?" You asked, still smiling. "Oh! The gifts."

"So you actually did get us something?" Kaoru asked.

"Yup." You brought them out of your backpack and walked over to Mori. You handed him a keychain of a small black belt. "I heard someone say you were in kendo, so I thought this would be nice."

He smiled and patted the top of your head. "Thanks."

You excitedly nodded and bent down to Honey, giving him a bunny keychain. "I thought it would kinda remind you of usa-chan if you two were ever apart."

His eyes shown as he held it in his hands. "Cute! Thanks y/n-chan!"

You walked over to the twins, handing them a tweedle dee and tweedle dum keychains. You didn't know how to explain this one, so all you did was nervously chuckle.

"Get it?" They only stared at it and back at you as you awkwardly walked away and went to Kyoya. You gave him a paintbrush keychain. "One of my clients told me you could paint?"

He smiled and took the gift. "Hm. Thank you y/n."

You grinned and walked over to Tamaki. He was like a puppy who was excited to get a treat. You didn't take any notice in the blush on his face, nervous yourself that he'd say something about the piss poor gift. You put a small bear keychain in his hand.

"I know you have a teddy bear like this, and I've seen your dorky led pencil with the bear on it." An arrow went through him. "So I thought this would be a nice addition."

"No offense," Hikaru said, staring at the gift in his hand. Everybody turned their heads to him. "But you know these are kinda useless to us right?"

You frowned, but quickly replaced it with a smile. "Yeah," you nervously chuckled. "I'm sorry. It's stupid, I don't even know why I got them. Sorry." You then quickly began to walk away. "I'm gonna get my stuff set up."

You made some special tea for your first guest since she mentioned last time it was her favorite. While you were doing this, Tamaki stormed over to Hikaru. "What was that about?"

"What?" He shrugged. "It's true. I don't get why everyone's acting like this is some treasure."

Kyoya began writing in his book. "According to my sources, y/n also gave her friends back home keychains. It's a gift that she can afford, but it seems to only be something that she only gives to those she holds dear." They all looked back at Kyoya, who was still writing. "Don't you think it's peculiar that right after she talked to her therapist, y/n said that she felt comfortable giving us each a gift?"

Kaoru didn't know what to say, and Tamaki grabbed Hikaru's shoulder. "Listen to me." He said quietly. "You have to apologize to y/n. She wanted to do something nice for you, and you showed your gratitude like a slap in the face to her."

He looked over to you in an annoyed manner, walking over and tapping your shoulder. You flinched but still mustered up a smile. Before he could say anything, the host doors opened.

He didn't get the chance to say anything for the next three hours, as you were always busy with a new guest. Over the three hours guilt began to plague him. Why was he feeling bad? It was a harmless fact. His chest felt heavy.

Finally when they were all gone, you began cleaning as quickly as possible. He tried to slyly get closer to you, but you noticed and kept moving to a new area quickly. It was annoying him. "Hey," he called out to you in a demanding tone. "Are you mad at me or something?"

You didn't look in his direction, busying yourself with cleaning. "No. Why do you say that?"

"Tch." He didn't have patience for the feelings inside him. "Why are you avoiding me then?!"

You, as well as the other hosts, were surprised by the sudden outburst. You let out a sigh, turning to face him and giving him a smile. "Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry that you had to raise your voice at me."

"Why are you still being nice?" He said in a quiet manner, embarrassed for yelling at you for no important reason. "I just yelled at you."

"Um, I'm sure you're used to having people's full attention." You offered a shrug, your smile still sticking. "People who're raised by hearing a lot of yes's are usually bound to be more demanding. It's only natural, so it's whatever."

"No it's not!" He raised his voice again. "You should be getting mad at others being rude to you. Don't be such a pushover!"

His words stung, and you dropped your smile. "Don't call me that." You said a little forcefully.

"You know what? Next time you go to therapy, work on that!" You didn't say anything and angrily continued cleaning while everybody stared at Hikaru. Tamaki was being held back by Kaoru, while Hikaru was just staring at you. Damnit. This was supposed to be an apology, but he made things worse. "Y/n—"

"No."

Your simple demand got everyone's eyes to you. Kaoru and Tamaki held each other from how scary you looked, while Hikaru stepped a few paces back. After a few seconds he was ready to retaliate with another comment, but before he could he was pulled back by Kaoru.

"Hikaru, try to calm down." Kaoru offered.

This got him angrier. "I don't even need her to forgive me! It's always been me and you, and we never needed anyone else! Why should that change now?"

They both stopped when they noticed you sadly staring at them. You then looked back at your cart full of dishes and rolled it away. When you came back you only saw one twin bashfully staring at you.

"Look y/n, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things, and—"

You began to giggle. "Wow, I never knew people thought of me as so much of an idiot to really not think I can tell some twins apart. Nice try Kaoru." He looked at you, shocked. You kept walking, before stopping to quickly say "I appreciate you trying though."

You walked over to the other twin, who was tied up and squirming under Tamaki's foot. You motioned for Tamaki to back down, which he did as you sat down next to the tied up twin, pulling down the tie over his mouth. "What was that for boss?!"

"If you cannot respect a woman properly, you will have to handled improperly!" You flashed Tamaki a smile for the comment, and he began rolling on the ground and muttering about how cute you are.

You turned to look at Hikaru, who angrily looked away from you. "So, I get it now." You grinned.

"Get what?" He shyly looked over to you.

"Why you're so nonchalant about everybody. It's because you're used to only relying on one person your whole life." He looked at you in awe. You really understood that. "Honestly, it's pretty amazing to look at. I wish I had a life companion like that."

"But don't—"

"Nope, still not gonna talk about that anytime soon. The point is, I get why you weren't concerned about my feelings, and the important thing is that you're thinking about them now...kinda. As long as you're actually sorry then all is good."

He looked away from you and muttered a sorry. You nodded and untied him, standing up to face the others. You let out a sigh and bowed politely. "I sincerely apologize for the unnecessary drama I brought to the club."

You felt a strong hand pull on your arm to lift you back up. You looked up to see Tamaki gently smiling. "Don't think you have to put your head down for us, and stop thinking of yourself as an outlier. We all enjoy your company."

You smiled back, and remembered what your therapist and you talked about. Try to become touchy feely with them. They're all still your friends.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, quietly saying, "Thank you senpai." You pulled back and saw Tamaki as a blushing mess, causing you to quickly yank back. "Sorry! Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have listened to my therapist about being more touchy feely."

"Actually," the twins said as they came to each of your side, back to their flirty selves. "You can do that with us!"

You let out a breathy chuckle. "You guys are so bipolar and I love it." You then walked over the Kyoya. "Are we all still hanging out tomorrow?"

He wrote in his book. "Oh course. Have you decided where we'll go?"

"Yup!" You grinned. "The swap meet!"

"Swap meet?" The twins asked.

"Well, I think you guys call it a flee market here in Japan." You then looked back at the twins. "Call me tomorrow morning so we can pick everyone up and go."

"Roger!" They saluted.

"Wait, y/n," Tamaki said.

"I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable Tamaki-senpai. I'll be less touchy with you from now on."

"Wait y/n! I did like the hug, I promise!" He sobbed.

You giggled. "You don't have to lie to make me feel better. Well, gotta go. Bye guys!" And with that, you left.

"Mama~"

"Is there a problem Tamaki?" Kyoya slyly smiled.

"What if y/n won't hug me anymore?! Who else would she hug?"

"Hm. Well, she could always come to any of the other host members—"

"Are you saying you would let my little girl hug you and smother you with love?!" He barked.

"Hm, if it helps her, then I suppose." Everybody else left Tamaki crying in the music room.

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Author's Note: Well, I don't know about you guys but this chapter felt like hot garbage to me.

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Tag List: @krustykrabbspizza @animefan7420 @strangerthingsholland @the-dead-fucking-sea @blue-eyez-7 @i-bitch-you-bitch @sylumsart

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goodgrammaritan · 3 years

Text

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and I had written a list of things to tell him to make sure I didn't forget anything that happened in the three months since I'd seen him:

My first MRI and subsequent arthritis/bulged disc diagnosis

Follow-up appointments for that and injections that offered ~30% relief for two weeks and then it was back to daily tension headaches

Freya's liver issue flare-up and overnight vet stay

My continuing fight with precancerous cells in my vagina with several unsuccessful treatments, culminating in me needing laser surgery to remove them

My friend's contentious, tumultuous breakup with her ex, where she lived with us for two weeks because she needed a place to stay and regular emotional support

My favorite aunt's stroke, where for a while she took 10-30 seconds to respond to questions with one-word answers, until the surgery to drain the blood from her brain brought her back to normal, though there was still 3 weeks or more of hospital and rehab care

My new anxiety symptom where I can't leave my chest/neck uncovered or I feel intensely uncomfortable/unsafe

My crisis of faith that I've been coasting on, not going to church because I wasn't vaccinated, but now I have no excuse not to go, and not going/believing feels like a betrayal of my family, because my dad's a pastor and dedicated his life to God, and I love and respect him but don't really love and respect God, I'm more "questioning" than "Christian" now, and there's intense guilt

And he said that's a lot, and we talked, and he said "you have a whole list of shit you're dealing with," and he prescribed me an additional medication, because I'm already at the max dosage of my current antidepressant and he didn't want to change that, so now in addition to my 2 daily meds for my depression/anxiety, 1 med for sleeping because the other drugs don't let me fall asleep, and 1 as-needed med for anxiety attacks, I have a twice-daily med for more anxiety help. Which I'm fine with, bring on the drugs, but god, no wonder I've been so tired and having recurring depression slumps, with no recovery days because I have had 1-2 doctor appointments every week for about the past 6 weeks.

Oh, and I knew I'd lost weight, but my psychiatrist pointed out I lost 12 pounds in the 3 months since I'd seen him, and that's not unreasonable or excessive, I don't think, but...

#mental health #mental illness #psychiatrist #medication #stress #depression #anxiety

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momlifemomentssupport-blog · 4 years

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What to expect when you’re expecting

Oh the things most women don't talk about when it comes to expecting. Firstly, I will be talking about the appointments. Secondly, I will be talking about my experience of pregnancy.

So firstly, when it comes to pregnancy the first step is getting the two lines. CONGRATULATIONS!! Pregnancy is scary we all going through so many emotions. We don't really talk about how exciting, scary, or whatever other feelings we are experiencing. Due to the thought of others opinions and expectations are for us. We go through so many changes in the first trimester such as: body changes (Nipple sensitivity, nipple darkening, spotting for some and more discharge for others, mood swings due to hormones, cravings, morning sickness, tiredness, gaining unwanted weight, etc.) those are some examples of what we go through. You will not have every symptom or you may not have none at all, like me. You also go through the scared phrase of having a miscarriage, which usually happens between the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. I know I was terrified, I took more than ten test. The first appointment you will have is a very long process, so be ready information after information, papers after papers to sign, than you have to take yet another pregnancy test and blood work, you will also if you will also sometimes even have your first ultrasound. Sometimes you maybe be to early to see the baby, if you are further along you will be able to see the baby, plus hear the heartbeat. You will get you estimated due date at that appointment also. So be prepared for that long first appointment, the first appointment you are so excited, scared, and filled with so many emotions. Good luck on the first appointment. You will be seen once a month from here on out, after so many weeks depending on your doctor you will be seen every 2 weeks, than the closer to your EDD you will be seen weekly. Now, if you have issues within your pregnancy you maybe seen more often than others. Depending on your doctor and issues (if you have any) determines how many times you go and how far apart your appointments is.

#FirstTrimester #Pregnancy #Appointment

“Pregnancy is the most amazing experience of them all."

Now onto the second trimester. Oh, the best trimester of them all. The trimester you start to feel normal again. Some women may even still be having morning sickness, fatigue, nipple soreness, your boobs start to grow in this trimester as they get ready to produce milk for your little baby, etc. All women have different experiences and symptoms during pregnancy. I can't tell you exactly what you will experience during your pregnancy. I can only tell you my experience and the research I did while being pregnant. The appointments in the second trimester gets shorter and easier if you have no issues within your pregnancy. Now, I had an easy pregnancy (Lucky me) so I can only tell you what I experienced in the appointment this trimester. During my appointment, they would check the baby's heartbeat, measure my stomach from the top of the uterus to the bottom (that will give them an estimate of how little/big your baby is) if they baby is bigger than expected or even smaller you may have another ultrasound to check on baby or the fluids to see if you have to much or to little, they will also be checking your blood pressure and weight at every appointment, they may even check your mental health, etc. At 20 weeks, you usually find out your gender for free nowadays you can pay to find out earlier than usual. At your 20 week appointment they will also check your baby's organs, brain, heart, limbs, etc to make sure your baby is healthy and growing at the right speed. That's the most important appointment in this trimester. Now that you are closer to the third trimester, you are starting to get a bump. You maybe even feeling so beautiful or even insecure. Most women get pregnancy glow, if you do consider yourself lucky. You may even be experiencing braxton hicks which is only preparing your body for labor! You may even be experiencing pain your lower back and butt pain which is sciatica pain. Worst pain ever, but it's normal for some women!

#Secondtrimester #Pregnancy #20weeks #Appointment #AnatomyScan #Gender

Oh wow, you have made it to the third trimester. Congratulations!!! This is the most exhausting and longest trimester there is! Lordy, you are ready to have that baby already although you know the baby needs more time. Your bump is getting bigger by the week, you are getting more moody, more tired, feet and hands may even be swollen, and you feel like you look like a homeless monster at this stage of pregnancy. Waddling everywhere, may even be leaking pee out every time you laugh, sneeze, cough, etc. You may even fully peed yourself multiple times already, embrassassing right? Don't be, your baby is laying directly on your bladder. Your baby is kicking your ribs, you are so done with pregnancy by now. But just wait the closer you get to your EDD the nastier this experience gets. You will lose a mucus plug which is the thick clump of cervical mucus that form during pregnancy which is helping block the cervix from infections and such, don't be scared they regenerate on their own you could possibly lose it multiple times throughout this pregnancy even starting at 20 weeks. You may still even be having braxton hicks which is still normal! Now comes the nasty of nasty stuff, bloody show! A bloody show is your last piece of your mucus plug covered in blood. Some women lose this weeks, days, hours, minutes before labor. Some women may not even lose any until their water breaks. Don't be scared when this happens, just watch for contractions and TIME them. Timing contractions is the way to know if you are in labor, they should be 4-5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute, and consistent for an hour. If you live far away from your hospital ask them how long you should wait to go in. Some say 10 minutes apart, last so many minutes, and consistent for so many minutes to hours. Make sure to ask your doctor if you are concerned.

Also, mama don't be scared to go into the doctors or even the hospital at ANYTIME for any concern you have. Even if you have to blow up their phone. It is their job to keep you happy and to ease your mind. Their job to make sure your baby and you are okay and healthy. Please don't let them rush you out or away. Put your foot down. Don't let people tell you want to do during your labor and delivery, do what you want and what is going to make this experience easier for you!

Good luck and congratulations mama!!

#ThirdTrimester #Labor #Delivery #BloodyShow #MucusPlug #BraxtonHick #Contractions

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