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amyintherapy · 4 months

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Things I've Learned in 18 months of therapy

When people repeat the same patterns of behavior that are more negative than positive, it's usually trauma related. Examples: Your sister who has dated 15 different men who all are emotionally unavailable, short-fused guys who don't respect her. Or your aunt who has gotten into severe debt several times in her life, always buying items she doesn't need. Or your friend who has always befriended people who are not disabled but don't work and chronically need 'favors' so they end up allowing people to mooch off them to the point of it harming their own financial security. Basically anytime you find yourself frustrated and wondering 'why do they always DO that?" or "why don't they just do X instead? They always do Y which just makes things worse..." the answer likely is, they have trauma related to this issue, and/or their behavior is related to their trauma response that they are stuck in. Of course, this is true for you also! If you keep reacting to certain situations in a way you dislike, or going back to a coping method that you see as harmful and can't figure out why you can't stop...it's probably trauma related in some way.

Part of being traumatized involves your brain trying to hide the trauma from you..at least most of it, if not all of it. My therapist has used the example of a piece of paper that is standing upright. You might see the fine edge of the paper, so you sometimes know a piece of paper is in front of you, but you can only see the edge, so when that paper finally gets turned so that it's facing you and you can read everything written on it, it kinda knocks you over and you feel like you should have known all of that all along...after all, the paper was right there. But you couldn't read it before, and you didn't even know there was all that writing on it anyway so you didn't realize such a big piece of your puzzle was missing. In other cases, the paper may be more like...trapped in a book, so it was always there, but you had no idea it was as you thought it was just part of the book, not this hand-written note hidden inside. So anyway, it's very normal to feel shocked at how lacking in awareness you were about the full impact or detail of your trauma once you get on a roll with therapy. I always knew I had trauma, and I've always been a self-reflective person...so I thought I was self aware of my trauma. But I've been surprised at how much I was failing to see fully.

ADHD is stupidly named. Having ADHD doesn't mean you have a deficit of attention. It means you can't control (aka regulate) your attention the way most people can. Tons of people with ADHD would tell you that they feel like they have too much attention. They are interested in ALL the things which is why they struggle to keep their focus on one thing while blocking out everything else going on around them. The things you do that cause you problems, were things you originally did to protect yourself. For example, maybe your addiction started because you were reaching for emotional relief and had no other (healthier) way to make yourself feel better. Or maybe you shut down and isolate when you're hurt, because when you tried reaching out for support as a child it just made things worse because your caregiver was reactive instead of supportive. Endless examples, but people do things for a reason. Your coping methods have a logical cause of some kind or another, even if they do more harm than good now, that wasn't always the case. At one time, they helped you cope with or avoid some bigger pain or problem. Depression and anxiety are both forms of avoiding other feelings. Much of general society knows the concept that "anger is a secondary emotion" (which is only sometimes true, it's also a core emotion) but I didn't know this was true of anxiety and depression. They're always secondary emotions. However, it's important to differentiate between sadness and depression, and fear and depression. Fear and sadness/grief are core emotions, but anxiety and depression are secondary. The fact that I am detail-focused and couldn't be concise if my life depended on it, are both ADHD related for me. Social anxiety is usually attachment trauma aka an insecure attachment. Anxiety and depression are often caused by trauma. I wish I knew this earlier. I spent a lot of time thinking of my anxiety was simply genetic or sort of temperament based and therefore unlikely to be healed or fixed. I don't mean to suggest that genetics or temperment isn't some element but...I can't help but wonder how many people are like me and don't realize they could heal a lot of their anxiety or depression by doing trauma work. I'm definitely still an anxious person, but I've seen a really big improvement in my anxiety. More than I thought was possible two years ago. Most kids and teenagers are avoidant in therapy, so they don't usually see as much progress from the experience, at least compared to adults. It's often a rather slow process to see improvement. However, it's still really helpful in the longrun if they have a positive experience with therapy as a teen, they're likely to try again as an adult when they're really ready to face their issues. Online, I've seen child therapists outright say that their #1 goal with kids in therapy is to make them think of therapy positively so they'll come back to therapy when they're older! I saw some progress in therapy as a teen for sure, but the 4+ years of it resulted in roughly as much (if not less?) progress than I've seen in 18 months of therapy as an adult. Apparently that's quite common. Talking about trauma feels awful, and it often makes me leave trauma-related therapy appointments wondering if there is any point or if i'm just making myself sad. A "okay, I understand this issue I have now was caused by XYZ experience from my past...but wtf do I DO about it? I understand it now, but I still have no clue how to fix it?" type of feeling. This is the result of being too close to the current day to see the full picture. Over the course of time, the benefits and healing always become apparent to me.

People who get angry often are sort of the opposite of me. I default to feeling anxious when I "should" feel angry (like when someone is rude to me), and sometimes also when I 'should' be sad. Most people who experience chronic anger are simply people who are converting their fear and/or sadness into anger. It's sometimes the difference between being an internalize and an externalize. Anger is an external emotion, fear/anxiety is an internal one. So if you struggle to externalize, you'll convert anger to sadness or fear, and if you struggle to internalize you'll convert sadness and fear to anger.

My "small t" traumas - like emotional neglect, are at least as impactful as my "big T" trauma (sexual abuse) was.

Sensory issues are common in ADHD, not just autism even though the content online often makes it seem exclusive to ASD.

I am probably forgetting a lot, but if I don't publish this now I never will. So if I think of more later, I'll just add on. :)

#my posts #trauma #adhd #therapy #mental health #cptsd #ptsd #anxiety #depression #generalized anxiety #social anxiety

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veliseraptor · 1 year

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>>> because Jiang Cheng never wants to force people to choose him, even 'for their own good' - this is actually one of the sharpest divergences I think between Wei Wuxian's approach to problems and Jiang Cheng's approach to problems, but that's another post.

I don’t suppose you’d be willing to make that other post? (Hopeful)

you know what, I feel like sticking my hand in a bear's mouth today, so sure.

one of the things that Wei Wuxian does kind of a lot, and most notably in the instance of his golden core (but also other places) is make decisions about what is best for other people. Wei Wuxian has the thing that many smart people do, where he has very definite ideas about what is the correct decision in given situations, and a belief in his capability to make the correct decision, and will make the choice to make that decision above somebody's head if he thinks they're not going to make the same choice as he would for reasons he thinks are bad. in the situation with Jiang Cheng, his reasoning (valid or not, and I'm not interested in adjuticating that) goes basically "Jiang Cheng can't die > if Jiang Cheng doesn't get his golden core back, he will die > I can give him my golden core > if I told him I was doing that, he wouldn't accept it > so I won't tell him about it and will give him my golden core and go from there.

I think you see it with the way he interacts with Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan, too - in his view Jin Zixuan is clearly undeserving and not good enough for Jiang Yanli, and could never make her happy, and therefore, regardless of the effect on Jiang Yanli, he acts according to that conviction. And also with what he chooses in novelverse specifically (with Lan Wangji) to tell/not tell Lan Xichen about Jin Guangyao, out of a conviction of what is best for Lan Xichen. Wei Wuxian is decisive and strong-willed and very confident in his skills of all kinds, and part of what comes with that self-confidence is the assurance that sometimes he knows better than the people around him, and maybe they don't realize that yet, but they will eventually, or else they just never need to know about the choice he made for them.

and then there's Jiang Cheng, who is...he's not conflict-avoidant, obviously, but what he won't do is interfere with somebody else's decision, or argue with them about it (past a certain point; the amount he argues with Wei Wuxian over his "defection" is, I think, unusual). when Jiang Yanli decides to marry Jin Zixuan, he accepts her leaving in a way Wei Wuxian struggles to do; when Wei Wuxian tells him to cut him off Jiang Cheng does it, as clearly as he doesn't really want to. when it's made clear to him that someone else, particularly someone he loves, has made a decision, even if he perceives it as harmful, even if he doesn't like it, he'll step back and let it go. obviously this has reams to do with his parents' relationship and the number it did on him watching their dynamic (and experiencing its consequences) - Jiang Cheng has internalized the message of "if you try to make decisions that other people don't like, even out of love, they will just end up hating you anyway."

(Wei Wuxian, I would argue, has the message of "regardless of whether people like your decisions or not, they might hate you anyway" which probably informs his thought process.)

I'm not saying this in a "Jiang Cheng respects peoples' agency, Wei Wuxian doesn't" sort of way (though I think that's kind of true, it's just not as 'this one good, this one bad' as that sounds), just in the sense of...if Wei Wuxian errs on the side of "I know best and can make decisions even if others don't like them" (to his detriment), Jiang Cheng errs on the side of "I have control over very specific things and will not overreach past those lines, even if it runs contrary to what I think is best."

#conversating #anonymous #i'm not sure this makes sense AT ALL but hey i tried #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #the sad queer cultivators show #thought about making this nonrebloggable but like i said. bear's mouth #maybe no one will notice me!#aggressively headcanons

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nothorses · 2 years

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Oh god I would love to hear you go off about homeschooling

Oh absolutely.

So okay: the public education system is deeply, deeply flawed. Most notably, in the US anyway (which is what all of this is gonna be- that's what the material for my degree was on) our education system was built up from two primary sources:

1. Schools for rich white boys to learn how to continue their legacy of being rich white boys (rich white girls were added much later)

2. Boarding schools and attempts to convert Native children to Christianity, erase their cultures, and replace them with white Western culture- all using incredible amounts of truly horrific, unspeakable violence.

The remnants of both of these systems still exist today, though there are more steps between them now: #1 exists in wealthy upper-class schools with a high level of gatekeeping, and #2 exists in impoverished and underfunded schools with mostly students of color.

#1 schools tend to also have a really positive impact on kids; their teachers believe in and respect them, resulting in both a higher level of academic success, and a higher level of self confidence and ambition. They believe they can do anything- so they can!

#2 schools have the inverse effect; teachers resent their students and view them as burdens, or charges to keep in line and shuffle through to the end with minimal trouble. Their students are, as a result, demoralized and unmotivated. They don't believe they are capable of anything, and so they struggle and often fail.

The steps between the two are lower-class, middle-class, & upper-middle-class schools, which make up a kind of scale- the lower class schools tend to have lower ambition and achievement, but also lower ego. There's a sweet spot- kind of- somewhere just below the wealthy schools, where students are highly motivated, but still a little humble.

You can see how people might be having different experiences with the education system, even in the same country.

People coming from low income backgrounds understandably, even rightfully, really resent the education system. People coming from anything above that might see things a little more favorably, though- that's not because anyone is stupid or self centered or wrong, it's because those experiences are intrinsically very, very different, and that's not really their fault for falling into one kind of school over another.

So okay, the public education system is flawed; but we can also see that there is a sweet spot. What we need is to figure out how to get there, normalize it, and bring that positive and healthy experience to as many kids as we can.

There are also certain undeniable benefits to a standardized public education system: ideally, children with abusive families are given a space away from the violence they face at home. They are given connections to trusted adults, mentors, peers, and experiences & knowledge their abusive families cannot control. They are given access to help, and access to power. (This isn't up for debate; rates of child abuse rose dramatically when schools closed during the pandemic because it removed a vital line of defense).

In a perfect world, the public education system is a really, really good way to facilitate communal raising of children; and who better to participate in that than people who are trained and educated and devoted to doing it in the best way possible?

There's obviously a lot of ways this can go wrong: teachers can seek those positions out for the power they might gain, people can weigh in on or control the curriculum who should not have that control, etc.

But these are also problems with homeschool. Parents might choose to homeschool their child because they want more complete control over them; they might put their child into a religious "homeschool" system designed to brainwash kids into blind devotion to a harmful ideology; they might find creationist schools or schools that otherwise align more perfectly with their beliefs, and with nothing to challenge that or help them develop critical thinking skills, kids are less likely to ever question or grow beyond what they absorb in homeschool.

Sometimes homeschool works out- and sometimes it doesn't.

But the thing with homeschool for me, at least, is this: there is a severe lack of accountability. There is nobody else to ensure those children are being treated properly. There is no standardization of curriculum, no training, and no education on best methods to educate- not just on facts, but to teach kids to think for themselves, question authority, and be capable of independent thought and action.

If a teacher in a public school abuses a child, there are people nearby more likely to notice and defend the child (and, legally, they are obligated to in a way even police are not). If a homeschool teacher abuses a child, nobody knows about it.

That's why Christian conservatives are such big proponents for decreased public school and increased homeschooling & private schools. Money or they themselves control those institutions, and they want that power and control. In many ways, they need it.

Tne public education system is a direct threat to their political and social power. That is why we need to fix it- to make it a more effective weapon against fascism and abuse.

#education #I got multiple angry anons who think the cool leftist take is that tiny unregulated non-schools run by randos with no qualifications #and unclear motives AT BEST #are The Thing To Do to keep children safe.#do yall fucking hear yourselves?

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ptsdangeldust · 3 months

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tw rape / abuse / suicidal ideation / self harm

can i just fucking say that the "poison" scene was just fucking flawless to me. as a survivor of rape and psychological abuse it was so fucking hard to watch and hit on every note i wanted it to. the suicidal ideation, the self destruction, the pain, the torment, the addiction, the hopelessness, everything.

[this got long LOL big analysis of ep4 basically]

also it's a little funny how easily i called it when the pilot came out that angel was gonna have ptsd and cope with it through hypersexuality . like this was obvious from the start to me and they do telegraph / foreshadow it from the first episode pretty well in my opinion. like ALMOST too much. but at the same time i'm kind of glad. like that's what i like about the show is that it *is* so raw and over the top when it talks about this kind of thing. that's why i like campy edgy uncomfortable shit bc where the fuck else am i gonna hear anyone specifically hit the perfect sweet spot of just exploitative-feeling enough to feel palpably uncomfortable in a way that just like. perfectly conveys this message. in my opinion, obviously.

it's like so crazy to me that i had this exact high expectation for the show and adjusted for edginess and got exactly what i wanted and then some. like. god. they hit every note in succession all at once and then tied it off with a beautiful, nuanced but genuinely well paced and well thought out resolution.

"loser, baby" was so fucking perfect as the counterpoint to "poison" in this episode. also charlie coming in and being purehearted but not knowing what she's doing and making it worse. but angel ultimately understanding that she meant to help and it's not her that's the problem obviously. and then husk is ultimately the one to give a shit about angel (with some encouragement, which like i honestly appreciate that he doesn't take angel's bullshit and isn't just the like Token Black Savior who has no character or agency of his own [of course i'm white so don't take me as the authority on this issue but i'm certainly aware of it]) and like not only try to stop him from self destructing but like relate his experience and make him admit he has a fucking problem. sooooo much of abuse is built on making the victim think they're at fault for what they're going through. the way val makes him look in the mirror and say "yes" outloud to himself over and over while literally holding his head and threatening him was such a good way of driving that home. and then we see angel have so much pride poked at so easily when he's called fake because he's SO aware he's putting on an act. he lets himself be exploited because he thinks it gives him a sense of control. can't be called fake if i'm an actor. can't prove i'm ever real. never have to BE real. never have to admit that anything is wrong and come to terms with it.

and so husk comes right the fuck out and says it. you're a loser. you're washed up. you're a has been. you're self destructive. you hurt everyone around you. ..... and you're not alone. THAT'S the important part. that's the real thing that gets you out of abuse. people. not being alone. like not just KNOWING that THEORETICALLY you're not alone but actually having people show up and help you and put in the work and relate to you and listen to you and let you listen to them. that's why abusers chronically work to isolate people. because it's so much easier to exploit someone who has absolutely no support system. who only answers to them. who has no one to turn to if shit goes sour.

ok also the fucking hypersexual self harm? i have NEVER seen that portrayed so accurately and so explicitly before. i feel like basically every single time i see it talked about at ALL in media it's either 1) portrayed as like sexy or ultimately good 2) strays totally the opposite direction and is talking more about cycle of abuse shit (which yes that's also important but not what i'm after) 3) really just hinted at / i have to like extrapolate it from vague hints or 4) exists in shitty media that is not ultimately trying to tell a story about escaping abuse it's just talking about a tragic waif and trying to make you feel sad. which is just another kind of exploitation really. so it was very refreshing to see it made very clear that angel was going around *trying* to get drugraped (which is NOOOOOT the same as consent. but i'm not going to get into that) because he was trying to hurt himself. he knew it wasn't good for him and he sought it out anyway. he could have wound up dead and he did not care. that's how low his self esteem is. that's how little he thinks of himself. that's how absolutely terminal his suicidal ideation is. i like used the word 'passive' at first but no i would not call that passive he is clearly actively suicidal hsuidguhds (ftr passive suicidal ideation is like. 'i wish i could go to sleep and not wake up.' but not actually acting on it. active is when you start purposely not looking both ways when you cross the street. that's basically what angel was doing)

anyway yeah. ep4 was kind of the peak for me i'm ngl HUIDGHIS obviously i'm very excited to see where things are going in general but especially more huskerdust........ i would like live if they didn't actually end up together but it feels clear to me that they genuinely care about each other and at least angel does seem to have... romantic-leaning feelings for him. would be cool if they had some scene where husk is like just cuz i care about you doesn't mean i'm going to be your magic saviour through love or whatever. bc i feel like it would be so easy for angel to immediately want and/or expect that. i did personally coming out of my abuse where i was absolutely desperate for real actual non-abusive love of any kind but i was NOT remotely healthy enough to truly accept it then even if it had actually been handed to me and i wound up in something that was..... better, yes, but ultimately still toxic and not completely ideal. not abusive, no, just not like. healthy. lol. but i do have good healthy happy love now so i'm glad lol <3 but like anyway this is a common thing with abuse survivors and it would *make sense* to see it but like i wouldn't put it past them to just go straight into "and then angel got better immediately and they got together and everyone lived happily ever after the end" HSDUIGSHUID but like idk man. we'll see LOL

also i did want to comment on like...... the fact that the scene was worked on by someone with a legit rape fetish who was like straight up into angel/val as a ship and thought it was like cool and fun or whatever. like. i really don't think the scene itself came off as glorifying rape or abuse. it's blatantly obvious that it's not good and the emphasis is placed entirely on angel's pain. and like it's. it's not porn. it's evocative. it's explicit. but the purpose of the scene is not "look at this hot sexy sex" it's "look at this horrifying abuse". like yes obviously there are gonna be people who get off on it but people can get off on anything if they try hard enough. porn is art explicitly meant for jacking off. not everything about sex is porn. i think if you interpret it as glorifying sex you're honestly out of your goddamn mind. the song ends with angel talking about how he wants to fucking die because of it. is that glorification to you?? really???

ultimately, *I* think it's good. i think, objectively, the team did an extremely good job. give them an award or something. i swear. where's the oscar. my boy angel needs his oscar LOL

... one last note, because this is tumblr: this is very triggering material. probably it should've had a better warning of some kind. but it is telegraphed/foreshadowed like i said and the show is rated 16+ on amazon (i feel like it should be 18+ imo but it's like. it's repeatedly listed as being for adults/"R rated" in promo material at least) and sex and violence are listed right there at the top of each episode where it shows the rating so like. idk man. that's as much warning as is usually given for this kind of thing ngl. i absolutely am not saying it's not triggering. but it is important to portray triggering things. it is important to talk about these things to give people in these situations someone to relate to and to give them the language to understand how to escape abuse, first of all, and like also art in general *should* be challenging. i think they genuinely said important, unique things and said them well. they did wayyyy better than i thought they would. for real. like esp coming from viv knowing her past like. clearly someone in the room actually knew what they were doing lmao (one of the writers for hazbin also worked on the episodes in helluva that covered similar abuse recovery material so. you know)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel analysis #? ig #my post

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topersevereassentiment · 3 months

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What are the salient features of Asriel, post-canon, that keep us from "saving" him from life alone in the Underground?

He's soulless (a practical problem),

he'll soon return to being a flower (a practical problem) and would prefer that you think of him like this rather than Flowey (a personal and interpersonal problem), and

he's decided to stay and tend the grave of the fallen child (and this is not really a problem at all; rather, a decision, which the boundary conditions of Undertale require us to respect).

There is a lot of UT post-canon fic out there which treats all these as practical problems. Frisk can just get a soul from somewhere, throw Alphys technobabble or soul arcanobabble at the body issue; get Flowey in therapy; and... also get Flowey in therapy for that last one, because his decision isn't really legitimate, in save-the-goat stories. It's self-harm. Which, personally, is both understandable and missing the point of one of the game's core themes: no matter how many times you restart the story, there are things you can't do; you are not getting a 100% Complete Perfect Pacifist where even Asriel is saved, and it's okay to be wistful about it, but you still need to put down the controller eventually. Getting him to the surface happens a lot in fic, because we all want the goldenest ending, but it could never happen in canon and we just have to live with it. It's thematically potent and I'd lose a lot of respect for Undertale's commitment to its story if you could circumvent it.

(Incidentally, this feels to me like it stems from the same ideas as making "* I have places to be" the wrong answer, a giving-in to Frisk's self-sacrificing, self-disregarding nature which must be corrected. Sometimes, you have to let people live and make their own decisions, outside the boundaries of the story's frame. Your perspective only goes so far.)

...now, fluffier, more sympathetically-traumatized Asriel, on the other hand...!

Ralsei's woes in Deltarune are very visibly the same kind of isolation as what Asriel's dealing with at the end of Undertale, but a) it's worse (a whole lifetime of waiting in a very deliberately empty, lifeless, three-screen-long kingdom) and b) he's stuck there for purely practical reasons. Darkners can't enter the Light World without becoming objects. He never made a decision to be here.

It's not something we can technobabble our way out of right now, but we're only in Chapter 2, right? We can save him, in a way we can't save Asriel: the deadlock we can't resolve has been removed; we don't really have to think about his preferences any more, because the preferences that kept us from helping him and left him stuck in the Underground I mean Dark World are just gone.

His issues are also much more obvious from the get-go, and seem designed to be something we talk him out of – not Asriel's decision to stay by his lost friend's grave, with a weight of meaning and feeling behind it, but hero worship, subservience, religious dedication to the Prophecy and self-image issues, all clear and visible dysfunctions. Giving Asriel therapy has left the realm of fanfiction and wish fulfillment and become part of canon... and the real disagreements we had with UT!Asriel over what he was and meant and deserved have become simple roadblocks for DR!Asriel whoops I mean Ralsei, things we have to help him through. Practical problems where the solution is friendship speech + therapy.

To make a slightly heavy-handed comparison, Ralsei saying we exist to serve Lightners and gratefully referring to himself as Kris's lackey is Anthy saying I'm the Rose Bride because I like it. It's the kind of reason we're inclined to reflexively overrule without working to deal with it at its root. Ralsei is Asriel, minus the irreconcilable and bittersweet parts, someone whose objections to being helped have either been removed or simplified down until we can feel good about disabusing him of them. He's our wish fulfillment in the way that candy on trees might be Susie's and a city of shining lights might be Noelle's and Giant Arcade Consoles might be Berdly's: an Asriel you can help, who you can make go to therapy and deal with the problems that keep him from caring for himself; who'll shut up, comply and let himself be saved.

...so the fact that Kris – whose personal issues are opaque, complex, and frustrating; who appears to be actively hiding parts of their life and motives from us; who clearly doesn't want our help or an improved social life at the expense of their agency – finds him so distasteful might not just be because he's a parody of their brother or Secretly Evil or whatever. If Ralsei is "the kid they're supposed to be" it's not just his fluff and horns!

#deltarune #undertale #deltarune meta #undertale meta #ralsei #asriel #kris dreemurr

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back2bluesidex · 1 year

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Welcome To My Favorite Place ✨

Hello, this is Nika. Welcome to my masterlist.

Here you will find the byproducts of my sleepless nights and wild imaginations.

Most of my stories are for mature audience. Hence, if you are a minor, you need to stay away from my blog. Some stories may have triggering concepts, please proceed upon reading the warnings carefully.

Hope you have a good reading. 💕

Themes:

Angst - 💔, Fluff - 💖, Smut - 💋

KNJ

Series/Drabble-series/Twoshots

None yet.

Oneshots

Next level, space level 💋💔

Summary: How can Namjoon deny you when you are ready to give yourself to him?

2. Forbidden 💋

Summary: You know it's forbidden but you don't care, not when your professor is more than ready to ruin you.

3. Bus Ride 💋💖

Summary: Namjoon has a massive crush on his coworker and it takes all his self control to survive a bus-ride with her.

Drabbles

Idol!Namjoon X Author!Reader (Meet cute)

Lover - (Fluff)

Enchanted - (Angst with happy ending)

KSJ

Series/Drabble-series/Twoshots

Taste of a Poison [Twoshot] 💔💋

Summary: Relationship with Seokjin is as toxic as it is addictive.

Part 1 , Part 2

Oneshots

Wanna be yours 💖💋

Summary: A peaceful, dreamless sleep is all you wanted after a long and boring office party but life has different plans and that plan includes the CEO of your company.

2. 20 Years Late 💔💖

Summary: Seokjin could count on his fingers the things that haven't changed within these 20 years of his life, and one of those is you..

Drabbles

By the Sea - (fluff)

You Belong with Me - (Fluff)

Broken Heart Over Whiskey Glass - (Angst)

MYG

Series/Drabble-series/Twoshots

None yet.

Oneshots

Call Me Oppa 💋💖

Summary: Yoongi has a weird kink... Maybe you'll find it out soon enough.

2. Haegeum 💋

Summary: Banning Yoongi from your bar has its own consequences.

3. Spotlight 💔💖

Summary: No matter how much you run away from Yoongi, Yoongi always comes right back to you.

4. Give Me A Taste 💋

Summary: Yoongi is down bad for you, he has been missing your taste crazily. Thanks to unexpected turns of events and a cancelled show, he can finally satiate his hunger for you.

5. One of the Girls 💋

Summary: Min Yoongi has been threatening your father. But that's not the problem. The problem is that you wanna get fucked by him.

Drabbles

Best friend!Yoongi X Fem!Reader (Angst)

Delicate - (Implied SMUT, Fluff)

Great War - (Angst)

Girl Crush - (Angst)

JHS

Series/Drabble-series/Twoshots

I Fell First but He Fell Harder [Series](Completed) 💔💖💋

Summary: You have been with Him since the beginning. To you he was the only person that existed in the world, in your world. But to him, you are another pair of hands that clapped after each of his performance. Will it change when you secure a job in his dancing academy?

2. Broken Glock [Series] (Completed) 💔💖💋

Summary: Hoseok is cold hearted, that's what everyone says. He is made of stone, no emotion runs through his veins, everyone believes it. Everyone but you. Because you have seen concern in his eyes and felt warmth in his touches. You have seen the real him, someone he doesn't acknowledge to be. And that's what has made you fall for him even though you believe you are nothing but a paid employee to him. But the reality is different. You're the only one that makes Hoseok a sane human being, he loves you with all of his heart, so much so that now he has started pushing you away from him to keep you protected from any harm. But will you two survive without each other? What if you can't? And what if you won't?

Oneshots

1. Attention 💋

Summary: A very jealous Hoseok fucks you into oblivion.

2. Fleeting [Birthday special] 💔💋

Summary: It's his birthday and you got a surprise for him but maybe not of the good kind.

3. Let's get engaged [Enlistment Special] 💖

Summary: Hoseok is enlisting but he has some pending works to complete beforehand.

4. Not Jealous 💋

Summary: You know Hoseok is sulking and you know how to cheer him up.

5. Cold war 💔💋

Summary: In which Hoseok fucks you for all the time he has lost due to his own mistakes.

6. Soju Bomb 💋

Summary: Hoseok doesn't like soju usually, but he discovers he likes the taste when the drink is spilled on your body.

7. Fool's Gold 💔

Summary: Falling for Jung Hoseok is... Fool's Gold.

8. Not a Dream 💔💖 (Please don't read it. It's my very first fic and it's very cringe! I, myself, don't like it.)

Summary: She thinks she is not good enough for him. She thinks she has nothing to offer. But she doesn't know she is all he wants. But why?

9. Your Lips, My Lips - Apocalypse 💔💋

Summary: You are lonelier than anyone he has ever witnessed. Your loneliness comes with an intensity that matches his, maybe that’s why he is so attracted to you? Maybe that’s why he wants to give you his final moments of existence?

Drabbles

Teardrops - (Angst with an open ending)

Afterglow - (Angst with happy ending) [A Girl Crush followup drabble]

PJM

Series/Drabble-series/Twoshots

Lightning [Mini-Series] 💋💖

Summary: You don't understand why you find Park Jimin everywhere you go. Also, why his eyes stay only on you.

1.1 Like Crazy - A lightning sequel 💋💖

Summary: Jimin wants to make you his and he will get in done tonight.

2. Oh So Reluctant [Twoshot] 💔💋💖

Summary: For the past eleven months that you have been married to Park Jimin, he has not looked at you the way he has been doing today. And there is sinister in his eyes.

Part 1, Part 2

Oneshots

1. 25 and Virgin 💋

Summary: You are 25 and virgin but maybe your crush slash senior Park Jimin can change that tonight.

Drabbles

Wildest Dreams - (Angst)

Cruel Summer - (Fluff)

KTH

Series/Drabble-series/Twoshots

None Yet

Oneshots

Baggage 💔

Summary: After six months of parting your ways from each other, Taehyung receives your handwritten letter. An unexpected one.

2. Like a Brother 💋

Summary: Taehyung has always been someone out of your league. Honestly, he isn't even your type. But that doesn't mean you haven't felt weak at times.

Drabbles

Rainy Day [A Baggage Drabble] 💔

Snow on the Beach - (Fluff)

JJK

Series/Drabble-series/Twoshots

Trouble [Twoshot] 💋

Summary: It's not that you don't like your hot rommmate, you just choose to stay away.

1.1. Trouble 2 💋

Summary: It's not that you don't like your hot rommmate, you just choose to stay away.

Oneshots

1. Desire 💋

Summary: Jungkook hates you, you hate Jungkook but sometimes desire is more important than hatred.

2. Monitoring Duty 💖

Summary: You are tasked with monitoring Jungkook's weverse live tonight, which starts with you trying to shove ramyeon down your throat and ends with Jungkook confessing that he likes you too.

3. Seven Days a Week 💋

Summary: Jungkook promised himself that he will be fucking you right seven days a week.

4. Bad Idea 💋

Summary: Accepting Jungkook's invitation to watch him train topless was such a bad idea.

5. In Motion 💋

Summary: You are finally letting Jungkook set everything in motion. And he is more than happy to show you what he has to offer.

6. Standing Next to You 💋💔💖

Summary: Your and Jungkook's relationship is all about dark rooms, shadows, rendezvous and secrecy. It pains you to even think that you can't claim him as yours in front of the world. But Jungkook is always there to set your fears free because he loves you even more than you love him.

7. Closer To You 💔💋

Summary: You know that you and Jeongguk are completely different individuals from every possible aspect, and there is no future of this relationship but you can’t push him away, not when he only wants to come closer to you.

8. Darling, can I be your favorite? 💋

Summary: Your close friend bagged a hot boyfriend. And that said boyfriend is more interested in you than her.

9. Novice 💋💖

Summary: The need of some extra money lands on you a weird job. But you are not complaining, not when you get to fuck Jeon Jungkook.

Drabbles

Idol!Jungkook X Reader (Establish relationship, fluff)

The Way I Loved You - (Angst with happy ending)

Gorgeous - (SMUT)

Tolerate it - (Angst)

Return the Favor - (SMUT)

OT7/Multiple Members

Series/Drabble-series/Twoshots

Where Do Broken Hearts Go? - ft. JJK & JHS 💔💋💖 [Series] (Ongoing)

Summary: Jungkook stripped your emotions naked, left you bare in the chilly wind of despair and self-doubt with an unending heartache. You tried your hardest to move on from him, to live for yourself but failed miserably. Each night you had to come back to your empty home where memories and broken dreams were scattered all around the floor, until one day a little angel and her unbelievably beautiful father came into your life. Finally, when you find yourself healing, maybe falling too, Jungkook had to show up! Again!

Oneshots

1. Best Fucking Friends - JHS & PJM 💋

Summary: Guess, your dumbass ex-boyfriend did the right thing for once by dumping you. Your best friends are more than happy to fuck you into oblivion.

2. The More, The Merrier- KTH & JJK 💋

Summary: Taehyung should definitely feel angry or at least disappointed seeing you already trying to sleep with someone else, that too, his best friend. However, what he feels is insanely turned on.

Drabbles

Happily Ever After - KNJ & JHS (Angst)

*Disclaimer: All the pictures are taken from internet and pinterest (ktvjeon). I don't own the edits.

#bts smut #bts angst #namjoon x reader #seokjin x reader #yoongi x reader #hoseok x reader #jimin x reader #taehyung x reader #jungkook x reader #bts fluff #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts x reader #bts oneshot #bts masterlist #bts masterpost

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zoeykallus · 1 year

Note

Hello,

Hope you have been doing well! I love your work and always look forward to reading your new stuff 💕

I was wondering if you could do some HC for the Bad Batch and possibly Rex about having a partner from a traditional family whose culture includes asking for blessings for marriage?

Aloha! Thank you, I hope you'll keep looking forward to reading my stuff 😊

Interesting Question! Let me see...

The Bad Batch/Rex x Reader HCs - The Blessing

Mainly Fluff/Maybe Some Eye Rolling (Crosshair)

_________________

Hunter

Basically, he has no problem with traditions as long as they don't harm anyone in any way. Asking your family for your hand in marriage, apart from being totally nervous, is not a problem.

Hunter has been preparing for this for a while, and his demeanor in front of your family is confident. He makes a good impression, polite, decent, dapper with just the right touch of modesty to make your family gush.

Now, your family may not be too keen on tattoos, or soldiers, or clones in general, but Hunter has a calm, collected as well as winning manner about him that will put most doubts to rest.

"I promise I will always take good care of them, and treat them with respect. I love them, with all my heart"

He has an engaging, calm manner about him that will probably go over well with your family. He comes across as conscientious, honest and decent. Hunter is the type of man who comes across as the perfect son-in-law and provider on such occasions, even though his appearance may be deceiving at first.

Hunter wants to make you happy and this intention, this desire is outwardly apparent on him, another point that makes him likeable in the eyes of your family.

Echo

Nervous doesn't even begin to describe it. Even though he knows that you both love each other very much, and basically he needs nothing more than that, but since in your culture the blessing of the family is very important, and he wants to show respect towards you, that includes your traditions and your family.

"I know I probably seem more like half a man," he says with a shy little smile, raising his Scomp link arm slightly in the air, "But my heart is still mine, and it beats solely for them, at full strength."

Echo is smart, humble, decent and sweet. His nervousness may be quite visible at one moment or another, but he is a good man, soldier and partner, that is also clearly evident in him.

The first meeting with your family may be a little bumpy, but eventually he emerges from it triumphant.

His kind, good-hearted nature is well received. His sense of justice and his ability to be modest and yet show backbone are convincing.

No matter how nervous he may be, he has good cards.

Wrecker

He is generally curious and open to you and everything around you, so he is also interested in your culture and traditions. Wrecker may be a bit nervous, but he has a healthy, unobtrusive self-confidence that gives him the right demeanor for the job.

Apart from his imposing appearance, his warm, sincere nature sweeps your family away. He finds it quite easy to dispel all doubts and convince everyone present of his qualities.

"Don't worry, I will always treat them very well, take good care of them and always protect them".

No one doubts that he can do all that. He is the center of attention and handles it confidently, making people laugh and feel safe. He has the talent to scare people around him if he has to, but he can also be incredibly appealing, sympathetic and pleasant, someone you feel comfortable with. Wrecker has things under control.

Tech

Yes, he is nervous, but he hides it quite well. Of course, he has prepared extensively, learned everything there is to learn about your culture, thought of good topics of conversation and got decent clothes in which he looks less like a soldier and more like a decent courter of your favor and that of your family, which he basically is.

A thirst for knowledge, curiosity and respect for you and your culture make the whole thing an interesting task for him to dedicate himself to, albeit with some nervousness.

Tech does well, even if his matter-of-fact nature initially causes minor stumbles in conversation. He is open, honest and has the best intentions, these are the qualities he carries in front of him, and he knows how to convince with them.

"I always will affectionately and to the best of my ability, care for them, in every way that they allow."

Crosshair

Oh boy....

"What's the point? I love you, and you love me, I don't need more than your permission".

At first, Crosshair resists, partly because he doesn't want to see anyone outside your relationship deciding about it. But a certain nervousness also plays a role, he is afraid of rejection, of what negative impact a failure on his part in front of your family could have on your relationship.

It takes a while, but he finally gives in. Crosshair pulls himself together, learns a lot about your culture with Tech's help, and dresses up accordingly. Dressed in his best suit and mannerisms, he introduces himself to your family. He's not really very talkative, but for this particular moment, he jumps over his own shadow. He is quieter, less talkative than the rest of his brothers are in this situation, but he is very respectful and polite.

"They will always be safe with me, cared for and loved. I hope you will consider agreeing to our union."

It bothers him a lot to have to ask permission, but he swallows his pride for your sake, at least for this moment.

Crosshair will not give up on the relationship even if your family resists him, but he keeps that fact to himself when talking to your family, at least for now. However, the likelihood of family approval is quite high, thanks to his ability to adapt, albeit reluctantly. This is important to him, even if he won't admit it directly.

Rex

He is sincere, decent and full of a sense of honor. Of course, he meets this challenge without grumbling and with full commitment, just as he devotes himself to everything else. Stately, with good manners and the best intentions, Rex introduces himself to your family and proposes his intentions towards you.

Rex is the perfect son-in-law, good manners, decent, handsome, intelligent and respectful. He has an incredibly winning manner, and he goes the extra mile, after all this is about your family and your future together.

It's unlikely that your family won't like him, clone or not, Rex is a great guy in every way and that he takes good care of you is obvious. You could hardly be in better hands.

Rex also has great respect for your culture and likes to learn all about it, adapting as best he can, another point that endears him to your family.

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@allsystemsblue

@palliateclaws

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@extrahotpixels

@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@starwarsnerd111

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crimeronan · 3 months

Note

Hello, got a TOH question for you! I'm trying to write a scene from only-slightly-canon-divergent!Luz's POV, and to dismay finding I'm struggling with it. Any pro tips for writing her you can pass on to someone who didn't study at Luz University? 😅

aw, this is a sweet ask. i'm flattered to be considered a resident luz expert! and i LOVE an excuse to infodump. this got long i'm sorry i just love thinking about. my girl.

luz is usually pretty whimsical and optimistic (which is why her later self-destruction hits so hard), she believes in people and she believes in The Triumph Of Good Over Evil. she's weird and doesn't understand social norms but she cares So Much, About Everything, Ever. she believes that things will work themselves out like they do in stories, she sometimes steps on people's toes when she's trying to fix a situation, she loves an underdog story and it's constantly getting her into trouble.

i think the biggest three things for me when writing luz POV are these:

she is UNRELENTINGLY kind and trusting.

this is her biggest strength - she's constantly befriending her enemies through the sheer power of earnestness. and this is how she makes and keeps friends like willow, gus, and eda.

this is also one of her biggest weaknesses - she gave hunter back his staff in hunting palismen when she Really Should Not Have, she didn't pick up on philip's Bad Vibes, etc.

she truly honest-to-god believes the best in everyone and is surprised and hurt whenever they disappoint her.

2. she has NO impulse control and CRIPPLINGLY hyperactive ADHD.

luz is all over the place, constantly. her thoughts and hyperfixations go a mile a minute. she can devour a book in a day and learn a conlang in a week, but she can't sit still and she has the type of ADHD that makes traditional classroom learning borderline-impossible.

outside of school, you see this constantly in the decisions she makes, or rather the decisions she Doesn't make. luz always blurts out exactly what she's thinking, when she's thinking it. she always thinks that her first solution to a problem is the best one & rarely plans beyond that. she's not an analytical strategist. in fact she's frequently fucking up everybody else's plans by..... just. being luz.

the fact that luz always says and does whatever she's thinking is, again, one of her greatest strengths: she is SO earnest and genuine, and it makes it easy for people to believe in her. she loves SO openly and is so lovable in turn.

it's also one of her greatest weaknesses because. oh my god, girl. challenging boscha to a witch's duel on willow's behalf. angrily shouting straight-up heresy about belos in public in hollow mind. all the shit that got her into trouble in the human realm before she ran away. u know

3. she is Desperately Afraid of hurting people.

i'd say she's afraid of being a Bad Person (TM), but i do think her fear is more specific. in WAD, her nightmare isn't exactly about having committed atrocities herself -- she doesn't even believe she could have! she knows she didn't create the statue graveyard, she immediately tells amity "i don't know what's going on, but i wouldn't have done this."

all of her fears are related to things her friends & family went through after meeting her.... she's terrified that she's going to hurt the people she loves, no matter how much she tries not to. she's terrified that her presence in the world is harmful by itself.

same with her rant in the classroom in TTT. when she says "it would be better if he [i] never existed," she even says (paraphrasing) "who cares about the broader impacts or the greater good. who cares if he was a hero or wanted to do the right thing. it doesn't matter!!! what matters is that he ruined everything anyway!!!!"

her anxiety with papa titan reflects this, too. "doesn't that make us just like belos??" she's figuring out how to navigate the world and complex morality and she's terrified of getting it Wrong. she already feels like she's done everything wrong & it's completely shaken her sense of self. she doesn't trust herself not to hurt people or to work for evil because she doesn't have a clear understanding of what separates her ideology from belos's.

this third point often isn't relevant in fluffy/lighthearted fic because luz's optimism, joy, and simple zest for life are Definitely dominant in her character. but it is VERY relevant when doing character studies or angstier writing exploring her headspace in situations where she feels guilty or afraid.

everything else is set dressing. she's quirky and weird, she's bouncy and stimmy, she loves bats and rats and snakes and bugs and creepy crawlies, she loves gross shit, she loves shipping and romance and sweeping high fantasy, she gets Deeply invested in every random plan she ever conceives, and she is Astonishingly easy to love because of how easily she loves.

you don't have to keep every single detail of this in mind when writing her!! this was just a nice excuse to gush about my girl who i love so so so so so fucking much. luz love of my life daughter of my heart FOREVER.

#replies #long post #luz noceda #toh #toh meta #writing advice

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howdoesagrapewrites · 9 months

Note

Hey pookie bearrr 🥰🥰

Feeling a little silly tonight after listening to some more Tyler while lying in my bed and thinking up random scenarios that will forever stay in my head and imagining myself being the main character in an edit SOOOO I got an idea

Okay but like just imagine- super happy reader x pavitr x gayatri (yan or not, don’t think it matters too much for this one so do whatever you feel like), they’re really down to earth and manage to calm both pavitr and gayatri down when they get stressed or angry. They don’t really talk about their own problems because they don’t view anything as problems, they’re and optimist that turns every difficulty into an opportunity per say. They’re just a very calm and happy person all round but one day after coming home from maybe a family gathering, with a family that isn’t the best, and they’re just so- upset and angry.

Not in the upset and angry that lash out at every little thing but the upset and angry that’s cold and short.

Anyways, gayatri and pavitr notice pretty quickly they’re really mad and they try to comfort reader but they’re just so dry it’s almost upsetting- short answers and snapping a little bit but then saying short and annoyed sorrys.

After trying to comfort the reader but failing gayatri and pavitr try and give them space and leave them to their own accord. Pavitr and gayatri and worrying about what to do in the living room when they hear loud crashes and thuds coming from their room. Scared and worried they run over the the room to find that the reader just trashed it, book cases thrown down, clothes scattered, papers and pens and pieces of glass scattered everywhere. In the center of the trashed room is the reader with their back to the door just seething by trying so hard to just keep it in and internalize it they’re on the brink of almost hurting themselves just to keep it internal.

Idek how to describe it cause it sounds kinda silly but I need some good ass hurt comfort and your the best person who could do my wacky little ideas justice 🕊️🕊️

Inspired by She by Tyler 🤑

𝘽𝙤𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙪𝙥 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙘𝙚𝙖𝙣

Cw: poly!reader x Pavitr Prabhakar x Gayatri Singh, reader has a toxic family, self harm, small bit of blood, hurt/comfort, tw for Gayatri and Pavitr being actually sane in this one fic.

Notes: hiii darling 💞 I really hope you like this<3 (I also do this so it's kinda inspired by my own issues 💀). I don't know if I got the "She" vibe, I think I'll save that song for a darker one

You're a calm person, a mature person, a positive person. The one that always knows what to do, the one that everyone goes to for advice, the one that has everything under control.

Control, controlled every crisis, every tear, you bite your tongue until you choke on the metallic taste, you swallow your own venom to save others the inexpedient. And you reap what you sow when others call you "sunshine", when they trust you, when you can help others through their own feelings, planting in other fields, the kindness you cannot grow on your own, for the life of you. The love, the mercy, it blooms around you, never in you.

You accept it, you embrace it, whenever you bottle up your emotions, you kiss it, you keep it. You hoard these ugly, complicated, muddy feelings, they remain even when you do what you're supposed to, when you do the healthy thing to do. They are kept with compassion. You hope for the day this boggy substances may have any use, may be adjuvant to fertilize the dry, mistreated field your heart, to clean it, rebirth it. You hope that your heart beating means something. That is a sign of hope, and not just a mechanical, calculated tic tac performed by a cold machine in order to keep the most important gear working, you hope that in the machine alike action of your body, there's something deeper, a "beyond" the blood and veins.

It's worth it, it's always worth it to you. When you guide your partners into confronting their emotions, teach them to see the bright side of life, when you take the higher ground instead of letting yourself say something you'd regret. However you look at it, it's worth it, and it's working.

Pavitr often notices it, he tells you to not work yourself too hard, and not bottle up your emotions, but even with though he has the best intentions in the world, he just doesn't understand it. Yes, there's the possibility that bottling up stuff might come back to bite you in the end, but why bother worrying about that? Your method works, and, isn't being positive, well- positive?

"Are you sure you want to do this alone?" Gayatri looked at you, troubled, she knew interactions with that side of the family rarely brought you more than distress. They offered to be there with you for you countless times, but you'd rather leave them out of it, away from your family's scrutiny. "I am, 'Tri you don't have to worry about me" she laid her hand on top of yours, silently saying "I got you", you look in the mirror and finish fixing your hair for what you know will be an hours long martyrdom you have to endure in order to keep peace.

They both say goodbye at the door, Pavitr kisses you cheek, you know what they're thinking, but you can handle it, unpleasant experiences aren't the end of the world, and you have been avoiding this for long enough, there's no use in hiding from your problems.

"I got some ice cream in the freezer in case you need to vent a bit after it" He offers you

"Sounds nice" you respond with a weak smile, you won't vent, he knows that. It's still so nice of him to want to give you space to.

During the gathering, you shift your attention to trivial, small things, like your spine. It should be straight, you need to correct your posture, you look at your nails, they're not at their best, you should get them done, your steps seem off, you couldn't have forgotten how to walk, is that concerning? Maybe you should go to a doctor. How does that one uncle always manages to smell like watered down old wine? You don't even sit down yet, he doesn't seem drunk, maybe it's his natural smell. The air also smells like lemon, that's a nice touch. Touch. You have to touch people to greet them, it's okay, you've done it before, you'll be okay, touching isn't a big deal, it's just customary, don't worry, you're almost done.

For the time you're back home, your head feels too heavy on your shoulders, your muscles are tense, you want to lay down, but you won't. You know you're annoyed, but it doesn't mean anything, just knowing you're feeling bad never did anything, never helped.

You open the door, and pray Gayatri and Pavitr are away, you are not surprised when those prayers aren't answered, and you find Gayatri working in her laptop and Pavitr probably making coffee, judging by the smell.

"How did it go?" Gayatri asks meekly, she hoped you'd take a sit next to her, but you're going straight to your room.

"Fine." You'd have the decency to look her in the eye while answering, but in your face is obvious it didn't go "fine".

"Well, we still have that ice cream in the freezer, we can always eat it to celebrate, no?" It doesn't take a genius to know you were lying, so now you know she's trying to cheer you up. Normally it'd be sweet.

"No. if you want it that badly, eat it." You hoped that answer would give her a sort of clue, but it doesn't, now she's getting up from the office chair to go get you.

"It doesn't look like you're fine" she says, putting her hand on your arm

"No shit, Sherlock"

"Y/N, I know you're stressed, but she's just trying to help" Pavitr comes out of fucking nowhere to intervene

"Now where did you come from?" You really didn't want to say it in that tone, so bitchy and almost disgusted

"It's my apartment? It's hers too?" He doesn't back down, he just states the obvious and remain unfazed by your tone

"Mine too, so I'd like to go to my room."

They leave you alone along with alright, whatever you want's said under their breath, you don't care.

They're both very surprised to see their usually down to earth, cheery partner acting that way, but per explicit request, they leave them alone.

The two walk silently to the living room, sitting next to each other in the periwinkle couch.

"It must've been quite bad to have them like this" Pavitr started, he was verbalizing what was evident, but it needed to be said

"I can't even imagine how they must be feeling, or what they did to them" Gayatri sighed

"Do you think there's something we could do?"

"Right now? Leave them alone, probably, they won't mean whatever they say. And I'm also a little mad, but it's not the time to talk" Gayatri rested her head on her lover's shoulder, it's an attempt to calm the racing thoughts, but they both know it's not enough.

The rummaging and the sound of their things hitting the floor starts. Pavitr shakes and tries to stand up, Gayatri grips his hand tighter, and just looks at him, no words spoken. But he understands he must stay away. They hear your various sounds of distress, the hairs in their arms and nape spiking, as they look to each other's eyes, hoping for some kind of answer.

Until none of them can contain and just sprint to your room, the door is locked, but it's a fairly weak safe, and it only takes a strong push of Spider-Man on the door to break it. You're crouching on the floor, face puffy from all the crying, and the room absolutely trashed. Books you were so eager to read, now mistreated and damaged, art supplies you saved money for, spilled, laying around, some broken, clothes scattered, your figures and other accents from your shelf on the floor, uncared for, and of course, the glass vase that held the latest flowers you received, spilled and soaked some of your belongings and left a puddle on the floor, along with spiky broken glass. Your breathing was audible, a cry for strength, so you'd be able to bottle up everything again, you didn't even seemed bothered by the sound of the door being violently opened.

You lay at the middle of all the chaos, and with graceful movements, they cross the sea of clutter for you, careful to not break anything more.

Pavitr crouches too, facing you, and softly grabbing your wrists so you can't keep using your nails to hurt yourself, he can see the bruises already forming in multiple spots of your body. Gayatri doesn't touch, afraid it'll overstimulate you more. Instead, she hums a melody, both to help you snap out of it, and to steady your heartbeat.

You come back to reality, muttering apologies, and wanting to leave this all behind, you really just want to encapsule your emotions away and avoid seeing such expressions in their faces.

But they won't let you, not this time, no matter how long you need to talk, how long it takes you to actually talk, if you cry or want to scream in the middle of it, they are both now vowing to never let you reach your breaking point again.

You have two people to share your burdens, who will never think less of you for not being useful, who'll appreciate all your feelings, even the ugly, muddy, complicated ones.

#atsv x reader #pavitr x reader #pavitr prabhakar #pavitr prabhakar x reader #gayatri singh #gayatri x reader #gayatri singh x reader #atsv pavitr #pavitr x gayatri #spiderverse pavitr #ATSV Gayatri #gayatri x pavitr

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sagesilentfire · 25 days

Note

Autistic Toffee, thoughts?

I mean I did make this image:

But yeah, he's super fucking autistic. Like me. Canonically: (warning: references to self-harm and also oversharing my weird experiences as a chronic autism-haver)

Gets social skills enough to be manipulative about it and understand what people will do, does not get them enough to not creep out people who already are looking for an excuse to dislike him.

Like every behavior the creators gave him to make him creepy and evil just read as autistic person trying to mask to me.

Cold and emotionless? Bro has a flat affect and it just clashes with the overemotional rest of the show.

Low empathy? Autistic, and he does have his own kind of empathy, he just, like a lot of autistic people, expresses it weirdly. And seriously, the idea that a) Normative, neurotypical empathy is the only sign of good moral character and b) that Toffee lacks any version of empathy in general because he doesn't seem to care when unjust rulers or bootlicking toadies get their due, is really ableist and can go die now.

Monotone voice? Flat affect, and probably over-correcting on controlling his tone of voice too. Remember he's in Socialization Mode every time we see him, or Dealing With Mewmans Mode, which is even more tense. I bet he can and will emote via voice when alone or with people he trusts. Heck, he does it in Meteora's Lesson, when he's with the other septarians.

Ulterior motives? When you're autistic, you know that everyone has ulterior motives you can't hope to understand, including other autistic people. It's fine.

I actually headcanon he's repressed a lot of his sensory issues. I have a few that are really annoying, but I don't have another option if I want to appear in polite society and have to force myself to live with them even though they make me want to vomit, so I can see him actively choosing to repress emotional reactions to things.

He gets overwhelmed more often than you'd expect. People just don't notice, because his reaction is always to freeze up and go silent – a shutdown, the "flight and/or freeze" part of the autistic experience. This is from my own personal experience: when overwhelmed I'm either yelling and angry (around people I know and trust enough to get mad at without them hurting me) or hiding and silently self-harming (around people I don't know or trust). (When I get overwhelmed in a place I feel comfortable but don't know anyone there, I tend to get weird in public looking for someone to feel less bad with. We don't talk about those times.)

I think he was close to a shutdown during Mewnipendence Day when he saw that stupid play Star put on.

Definitely doing a shutdown after he couldn't rescue Star. Probably exiting the scene as fast as possible to go pull out some scales (fun, risk-free self-harm! warning: only septarians can do this. you will bleed if you don't have a healing factor. be safe and maybe don't self--harm it's bad for you), grit his teeth, and go find a way to rescue Star. And also send an army to take over Butterfly Castle while the wand was out. Star would be alive to learn to live with not being a princess.

Doesn't *always* know what to say. Can convince people to do things easily, but has no idea how to help other people with their emotions. His autistic ass could never be a therapist.

And then there's SAMATFOE Toffee, who has some extra Problems:

Sílthéy and Toffee work together to ensure that Toffee is as immune as possible to emotional leverage. Do anything to them, especially when they're in Business Mode, and Toffee will just sigh, shake their head, and refuse to take the bait. They may have PTSD and Autism, but have you considered: they also have severe emotional repression!

However, when they do crack, it's really bad, and potentially really dangerous. They still freeze and flee, but due to... circumstances, they could be as much of a magical superweapon as the wand, but in a completely uncontrollable way. Unlike the Butterflys, they do not make a habit of flirting with destroying the world, so instead they shove down their feelings and get their ass to therapy.

And then when their therapist advocates for expressing their emotions healthily, they go get a new therapist, probably a cognitive behavioral therapist or something (I'm JOKING, CBT works for people who are not me! It's a perfectly fine method of brain-helping, it's just my default punching bag. I'm more of an Internal Family Systems guy myself).

Rasticore is a big help. He helps them express medium amounts of emotion healthily and without having a complete (magi-nuclear) meltdown. They help him with his own meltdowns, because everyone is autistic in my world except for Mina. Rasticore finds their calm grounding.

#svtfoe #samatfoe #svtfoe rewrite #star vs the forces of evil #queue queue #my posts #about me #(because it's discussing my own symptoms)#toffee of septarsis #self harm #actuallyautistic

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sasouken · 5 months

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ahem, alright, kaveh first bc i saw something on twt that upset me so general tw warnings, alcoholism, depression, self harm tw.

i'm really like. bothered by how many people are like hehe haha at kaveh's drinking problems. alcoholism isn't a joke. it's not a funny quirk. it's not cute. it is an addiction. it is a form of self harm.

kaveh has been through a lot in his life and continues to be kicked while he is down. everyone is entitled to their own opinion of kaveh and alhaitham's relationship, but personally i do not think they hate each other. if that were the case, you know alhaitham would not let kaveh stay there. romantic, platonic, however you choose to look at it— alhaitham and kaveh at the very least respect one another in order to live in such close proximity.

i have talked with mocha ( kusatta ) extensively about alhaitham and kaveh’s relationship so from here on out of i mention alhaitham, it is with his alhaitham in mind.

kaveh lost his father when he was young and then his mother left. kaveh feels extremely guilty about his father's death. he feels as if he had never mentioned the diadem of knowledge, his father wouldn't have entered the interdarshan championship. it would not have led to his father losing and falling into a depression. maybe his father would not have joined an investigative project in the desert, where he would later die.

it would not have led his mother into a depression at the loss of his father. not only had kaveh lost his father, but he felt as if he was losing his mother, too. when she brings up visiting fontaine ( mind you, he's probably maybe mid teens when this happens ), he encourages her, telling her he'll be fine. after everything she's done for him, everything she's sacrificed, she deserves this.

and she goes.

he's alone, and he continues school. and he's been braving a smile ever since his father passed. i don't think kaveh knows how to deal with negative emotions correctly. he immediately internalizes it and comes down on himself very harshly. he thinks he is the problem, always.

after he graduates, his mother remarries. he's happy for her. she has a new family. one that won't disappoint her. it isn't stated, but i'm going to headcanon that he's got at least two younger siblings. he doesn't talk to them, though. better to keep his distance so his bad luck doesn't ruin their new, happy life.

somewhere in between all of this, he and alhaitham work on their project that goes nowhere because they can't meet each other in the middle. their forms of communication are just so different, they're both stubborn, and kaveh is so overwhelmed by everything else that he doesn't want to give up control over the one thing he can do. . . and even that falls through and his fallout with alhaitham becomes another regret weighing his heart. his designs were constantly being put down and rejected.

and then dori came into the picture. at the time of writing this, i'm not sure if i'll talk about her much because i have nothing kind to say about her and i have a burning anger against her. i think kaveh started drinking sometime after his designs were being rejected, but it only worsened after dori entered his life. after the withering had destroyed what was done of the palace of alcazarzaray, he begged dori to let him try again. he sold his mother's house that had been handed to him after she married, forked over his savings, and went to work with dori offering up the rest of what he needed. my boy is stressed.

when he's drunk, things aren't so heavy. he isn't thinking too hard. he can laugh and joke around. for a time, his problems aren't there. it doesn't feel like his chest is going to burst open with the awful feelings he's been storing for years.

after spending some time living with alhaitham, who confronts him about his drinking problem, kaveh cuts back considerably. he still drinks, but he no longer drinks himself into a stupor. he is trying to make an effort, to be present. . . to deal with his demons. it's still incredibly hard, but over the years things have gotten a bit easier. he's not alone anymore, thanks to alhaitham— to tighnari and cyno, too, who have been so supportive of him.

i have been crying the whole time it took me to write this. i'm sorry if it is incoherent.

tdlr; kaveh does have a drinking problem and he is super depressed but he's working on getting better so please don't make light of this situation.

#❀ headcanons.#❀ kaveh headcanons.#( idk if this makes sense )#( i just love him a LOT )

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therese-lokidottir · 5 months

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I can't help it that feel worry when X-men finally arrive in mcu while mcu like do victims blaming and not understand what meaning of hero and good person/ being hero and good is by claim and not what they do

Seriously I feel scare , X-men have a lot racist, facist and genocide issues and seeing how mcu now it's make me think that they will screw X-men so badly

The mcu's don't push against the status quo in too harsh of way ideology does not bold well for the mutants. Seeing the way Loki is treated, seeing the way Kali is the villain makes me really fear for Magento.

If I can say here, I problem I often with the mutants is sometimes writers lean in hard in making the metaphor too specific. Like it's mutants are metaphor for being gay and that's it. For some character that concept of being anywhere on LGBTQ+ just isn't applicable to their character or power. Not all writers do that, but is a frequent problem. I think a lot of writers miss the chance to make stories about the intersectionality that mutants would face. Sometimes mutant would be more like being a different ethnicity, sometimes it more like being queer and sometimes it be more like having a disability and even within those differences it could still affect individual in much different ways.

Because of the floating timeline of marvel comics it has meant mutants are kind of stuck in this perpetual status quo where no progress is ever made and passive resistance is the only acceptable form of protest.

What I think is so important for X-men writers to understand is what it's like to be discriminated against. What is like to be a truly different kind of person and that difference being something that can't be changed or covered up. Story will have to deal how one adjust to the world that might not want them or actively be against them but is a story that is about finding one's place and gaining self-acceptance.

In the comics Wanda is a powerful mutant who has face discrimination, has struggled with mental illness and has had difficulties controlling her powers. But she managed to pull herself together, find peace and live happily. MCU Wanda has faced similar, and her ending is to get crushed by rocks because she's too powerful and crazy. Understand why there are so many characters I don't trust with the MCU right now.

MCU sympathies with the people maintaining the system even its failing or actively harmful over the people who push back in extreme ways to change things. What is Stryker going to be? Some man with a sob story who just means well

#asks #mcu salt #x-men

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pepplemint · 5 months

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do you have thoughts on the potential harm the plants could go through in post trimax universe regarding their exploitation or whatever ((and how knives’ death is a negative aspect in it))

I love your posts on knives soso much btw he’s my baby and I love seeing someone else appreciate him just as much. and I was curious about this considering I was pissed to no end regarding knives’ “ending”

Aaaaah thank you for indulging me in my delusions about Knives 😽😽 To be fair I guess he was doomed from the moment Wolfwood was for the sake of parallels and all that, but it's nicer to imagine the story ended on the second to last chapter instead ;v;

To be honest I think it's really hard to say because we know so so little of what happens after the final we can only speculate. The Earth Federation has provided Gunsmoke with a whole bunch of new things that make life easier and safer, hopefully meaning they are no longer reliant on plants for everything and might be able to use the plant output power for terraforming and creating a self-substaining world.

But! The way Chronica and her shipmates talks about herself/independent plants on earth... I can't be the only one that gets the feeling she had a lot of internalised plantphobia (making up new words here) that reflects the world she's from. Earth comes with more knowledge about plants/independents but with what I'm sure is a whole new history of oppression, stereotypes and dehumanisation that will clash with the newly won understanding.

Close to all the plants on the planet are merged together in this giant plant bulb. I'm not sure what that means for power output, how far they can send that power (probably not far on their own means but with Earth to help they might be distributing that power across higher distances) or does it mean only Octovern have power? In that case Gunsmoke is likely to have a very localised human settlement going forward (refugees of the larger cities had already been moving to Octovern or dying from exposure/thirst/starvation since losing their plants, but smaller settlements seems to have been better off, probably because they were already used to living sparsely without a plant and had storages. Those storages will still be depleted and then it depends on how easily and if they can be filled up again)

Either way I think it's going to be hard to overwork this giant mass the same way individual plants have been, not while also factoring in that Earth can help with resources + much smaller population. On the other hand it is also very hard to humanise when it looks like that. The current generations that have had physical contact are not a problem, but future generations quickly forget, as we see over and over again in human history.

Knives was the only active defense the plants had, they chose to give that up. Which means their only defense is the passive one of Vash and the earth independents which we have established have a lot of internalised baggage that might interfere with their roles as interpreters.

It's not hard to imagine there will still be issues of consent and questions of morality, like how much is it worth to save a plant (if it can't even be of use to humans) and should plants have a say in how much and how their energy output is used? How much can you really trust a plant when they have such destructive power? Like how all independents on earth have a chip implanted in their brain (presumably young), which is all kinds of fucked up the more you think about it. That's just what we know about too.

If things take a turn south again, there is no one (but Vash, barely) that has the ability to even stand a chance to protect themselves. We don't even know the extent of control earth has forced onto independents. Just that they're clearly still seen as below humans.

#trigun maximum #trigun spoilers #long post #sOrry for rambling and probably not even answering your question properly

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sysmedsaresexist · 7 months

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Take a step back for a sec

Is syscourse something you're enjoying currently or are you self harming in a way by going into the tags knowing it will stress you out?

??? Dude

That's fucked up, and I hope you know that

Imagine walking into a stranger's inbox and suggesting to them that they are self harming. Anon, I get you're trying to look after people's health, and that's admirable -- but genuinely, that's not your job, and making it your problem is not only unhealthy for you, it's also uncomfortable for me. And if this is because I told people they're allowed to be angry, then it feels like you're conflating anger with self harm, which is exactly the problem I was talking about.

UwU🌸 But what do I know I'm just a syscourse obsessed sysmed.

A personal rant/vent under the cut

I don't handle stress well by being quiet about my feelings, I like to be loud and obvious and an open book about my thoughts. I made it to where I am today (I have never said how many followers I have, and I never will, but... guys... yes, hi, i love you all, and I consider myself to be very successful in my career and life) by just being me and yelling about things on MY blog.

This is how I've become healthier

I stopped caring so much about what everyone thinks and put myself first. What makes me happy? What is healthiest for me?

Spoiler: burying my emotions, not engaging in something I love, and giving up a productive outlet for my wildly fluctuating up and down emotions is not the answer

This was my first step to overcoming shame, and when this kind of talk started in SN, it ruined it for a LOT of people, both members and mods

What had been a mature, self moderated, active, vocal, and welcoming community suddenly turned on each other in an attempt to not be the "crazy one" that cared too much or got too involved, because suddenly everyone was afraid of being accused of self harming through something they genuinely enjoyed

I fall apart when I feel like I can't talk about things for fear of judgement, and I know I'm not the only one

Leaving SN and coming back to syscourse full force has made me happier than I've been in over a year. I'm sleeping better, I'm less anxious, I'm not scared to open tumblr or discord anymore, I can spend time with my partners without worrying about what's happening

I feel in control of my life and the things happening in my social vicinity, and it's left me more brain power to focus on my personal things-- work, family, etc

I'm back to laughing with people who understood what I was feeling, and joking about the things that stress me out, rather than trying to bury it all

I know this is going to shock you, but it's okay for something to be stressful and enjoyable at the same time

Video games, horror movies, puzzles, roller coasters-- all of these heighten stress levels in enjoyable, positive, healthy ways

Can it become maladaptive? Absolutely, but it's not your job to be going to strangers and asking this

Especially something as serious as self harm

Like, you're not just asking, "do you think maybe you'd benefit from a quick break before you post?"

You're full on overstepping personal boundaries when you put people in this position

There is literally zero reason to ask this question, in that way, with those words, unless you're projecting

Spin on it, friendo 👍

#tw sn

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sp00kyrachael · 2 months

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yesterday I posted and deleted a sui note

I had some doubts at first about the legitimacy of BIID self diagnosis but after last night I no longer do, that was a *textbook* psychological response to extreme dysphoria and denial of long term relief to that dysphoria.

BIID is body integrity identity disorder. In the simplest terms, it's the medical name for a condition that can manifest many ways, but in the case of myself and many of us in the community, is responsible for wanting to be 24/7 and untrain. Basically, people with BIID feel *body integrity dysphoria*, which is a type of dysphoria (gender dysphoria isn't the only kind) that is experienced as a result of not having a certain *disability*. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. I don't understand it. But I feel it. So much.

The specific disability can vary between people, but it typically presents in a category of loss of a body part, loss of a sensation, loss of control of a part of the body, or loss of mobility. In my case the disability I've randomly latched onto for my BIID is urinary incontinence.

A lot of us feel a *need* to be incontinent. Like our body is wrong for not being incontinent and that untraining isn't just for kink but for making us whole in a way we can't really understand but we just *know*. It's worth looking into BIID on your own and reading more, and seeing if what you find might hit close to home.

What happened to me yesterday was this:

My partner has OCD. Really bad OCD. They are *terrified* of human waste. It used to be just poo, which was fine for me because I don't mess. But over the last 6 months so, it has grown to include urine.

Problem.

Last night, my partner was in an extremely triggered state. They were about a week off their meds, our dog had peed in the house recently and you could smell it on the air, and I was a few weeks back into 24/7.

I had just organized my diaper stash. I was proud of doing a good job, showed my partner, and brought up that it was a good time to order more since I only have roughly three weeks' worth on hand and we got some spare cash due to some good luck.

In this triggered state the reality of my 24/7 being *forever* finally caught up to them and they *begged* me not to do this. They brought up a bunch of things like how it meant we couldn't do fun things cuz I'd need to change, how it would be impossible to hide, the usual fears that are unfounded. They begged me to get therapy to fix this.

Therapy does not work for BIID. The only "treatment" is to live out the disability.

I said okay, because I love them and I want to make them happy.

So I went off to shower, to clean off my body and throw out my current wet diaper, to put away all my supplies and "take a break from this" as we agreed.

Through it all, I was basically just dissociating. Staring off into space as the shower rolled over me. Eventually cleaning myself only to make my way to the couch and stare into different space.

I opened up Mastodon and posted

"Y'all are great. Might go radio silent for a while."

That was it.

I hadn't chosen a time or method but I was so broken. I knew that a core part of me was passively, *constantly* causing harm to the person I love most. I had agreed to work together to find a solution that makes us both happy but I knew there wasn't one other than 24/7. I knew that I would figure out specifics of how to do it soon.

I walked back to the bedroom.

Apparently while I was catatonic and suicidal, my partner was also deeply upset and had been researching BIID.

"I have been doing some research... and it's possible that you simply... just *are* incontinent."

At those words I went from suicidal to not. Still really hurt, still unsure of the future, but I'd live. We'd figure this out.

We talked a lot, the rest of the night, and more in the morning. I didn't get padded again. They were still so triggered, so hurt, so scared, and I didn't want this part of me to hurt them more.

But after a while, they were endlessly apologizing for the previous night. Saying that they rationally knew most people would just be chill with this, that they understood that my abdl friends' partners were all indifferent and okay with 24/7, that it was *fine* and they were so sorry, so why wasn't I padded again?

I told them my reasons. That I couldnt bear it if something about me was passively and constantly triggering them.

To this they said that seeing me this broken, this emotionless and empty, was worse pain than OCD could ever cause them, the guilt of taking this from me was so deep and they needed me to go back to 24/7. Immediately. That yesterday's concerns seemed so silly today, that it's fucking normal and fine and it's treatment for my BIID, a real medical need, and they need treatment for their OCD to prevent that kind of trigger, that I don't need to sacrifice and harm myself to appease it.

Getting padded again was an instant mood flip. I was myself again immediately. Walking around the house singing and being silly and playing with the dogs like nothing had even happened, like we had never had this conversation.

I was able to pick up their meds this afternoon, meds that they had been skipping, and confirmed that their therapy was on our shared calendar so they won't miss it.

We have not spoken about this situation since, we have been having a wonderful rest of the day, it's really okay now. This was body integrity dysphoria and the prospect of never treating it pushed me over the edge. It's real and should be taken seriously.

I'm glad to still be here.

#suicide #tw suicide

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