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daisys-reality · 2 years

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ʟᴀᴡ ᴏꜰ ᴀꜱꜱᴜᴍᴘᴛɪᴏɴ

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐬 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐅𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞?

How to choose a picture: Try to calm down, take deep breaths & use your intuition to select. Take you time and chose the picture you feel the most drawn to.

༣P𝔦𝔩𝔢 1

4oC, JUSTICE, 4oW in REV

hello pile one<3 Guys don’t worry too much. The transition is already happening behind the scenes! But I see you feeling a bit of discomfort because of this transition. Things have ‘slowed down’ in your 3D - at least that’s how it appears to you. But the universe or rather the law works in fact really quickly for you. You might feel bored or dissatisfied with your everyday life. You may feel disengaged, apathetic or unmotivated – maybe life has become dull. Are you disappointed that it takes ‘so long’? Don’t worry, you feeling closed off from the world is the work of your higher self/of yourself. You’re meant to take the time to reevaluate how your dream life shall look like - to find that deeper meaning or sense of direction. You might want to manifest that picture perfect life everyone wants to have right now but is that really what you truly want? Use your discernment to decide on what is truly important to you, and don't be afraid to say ‘no’ to mainstream things that are just hyped on social media that don't align with your future path. At this time you are turning your attention and your energy internally, to realign to this new phase of your life. You want to be grounded within when you start your new life. While you may need to decline some very alluring opportunities, you do so knowing you will be in a better position to say ‘yes’ to the opportunities that are a better fit for you!

This is a very important step for you and you know that you need to be ready to take responsibility for your actions and stand accountable for the ensuing ‘consequences’. Try to be aware of the impact your decisions will have on your well-being and the well-being of others. Choose consciously by connecting with your inner guidance system (your intuition) and asking for the answer that is most in alignment with the highest good of all. Search within until you find the place where you can stand in integrity and strength. As you explore your truth, try to be aware of what you believe to be true and what you believe to be fair and ethical. It may not be as clear-cut as you think, so prepare to challenge yourself and to explore new territories of your belief system.

Right now it might be hard for you to stay so private about your plans and the hard work you’ve put in. Try to reward yourself every now and then - there is no need to wait to be happy! Make yourself happy now, your dream life is being custom-made for you right now and you will very soon be able to enjoy it! - Everything is going as planned, nothing can stop your manifestations! So just take care of yourself, create inner balance, sleep enough and do things you enjoy until then! You going through a great transition so make sure that your feeling ok <3

-> check out my other pac readings

༣P𝔦𝔩𝔢 2

2oS, EMPRESS, QUEENoP

Hello pile two <3 I see you facing ‘challenging’ decisions regarding your dream life, but you are unclear about which option to take. You might have two or more possibilities in your mind right now that may seem equally good – or equally bad – and you are stumped about which will lead you to the best outcome. You know you need to make a change or transition in your life but are reluctant to do so. I know it’s really annoying when you’re stuck with a difficult decision and afraid to proceed but this indecisiveness and lack of ‘action’ (mental action) may make the situation worse in a way - stagnation/delaying your dream life. You may hope that the issue will go away on its own and you won’t need to wrangle with this difficult decision. Or you may try to fool yourself into thinking you can put up with it, even when you know deep in your heart it is time to move on. It is natural to want to avoid discomfort, but sometimes you must push beyond your comfort zone so you can evolve as a person. That discomfort can be a positive sign that growth is happening, so feel into that energy and let it encourage you to keep moving forward and expanding yourself.

You know it’s not the manifestations that take a long time - no, manifestation can be instant but it’s us or rather our mind that sometimes needs time to grow into that state in which we are able to receive those manifestations. Try to practice more patience (for yourself) and don’t be too hard on yourself. You are like a delicate little seedling that can grow into a strong tree who can withstand any storms. Give yourself time to grow and space to unfold/evolve into your highest version. Don’t cling stubbornly onto something (or someone) that might not serve you - you or your life might even turn out into something ‘better’ (for you), you’re just not aware of these possibilities yet! Keep an open mind on how your dream life can turn out but stay overall persistent with the fact that you only deserve the best.

Use both your head (your mind and the intellect) and your heart (your feelings and intuition) to choose the path that is most in alignment with your higher self. It’s important that you make a decision once you feel that you have all the needed information. Right now you’re asked to be more critical overall and I feel like you should focus more on your dream life - it seems your daily life is quite hectic. For example, lay down, listen to your favorite songs and think about how your dream life shall look like, imagine yourself living it, let your thoughts flow -you might come up with different scenarios that are more fulfilling. While deciding to manifest something, ask yourself who does benefit from it the most? Remember, your goal is to be happy - not anyone else but YOU - so what would make you truly happy? Think about it. I see a bit of turmoil deep within you, blocked emotions or anxiety maybe? I think your words sometimes contradict your actions in a way. Be careful with who you involve yourself with and with who you want to involve yourself with from now on.

If you struggle in your 3D with your finances, relationships or with your health right now - I see this quickly coming to an end! (spoiler alert: I see you being that independant, skilled, wealthy and attractive queen/king hehe) Again, the message comes in strongly that you cling onto something right now that is not ideal nor the best for your growth - please try to keep your eyes open for other possibilities and potential issues. You know that certain break-ups or separations are a part of life - sometimes we’re clinging onto people or situationships (friendships?) out of emotional attachment that aren’t serving us anymore, but something better and emotionally more fulfilling is waiting for us out there. Try to accept this and don’t resist the change.

Something that might help you, is to work on finding closure with your 3D. Make a clean cut (emotionally) and leave it behind (mentally). Maybe even show gratitude towards yourself like ’I’m grateful that I was able to withstand all that I went through and I’m ready now to move on to something better.’ Wherever you are on your journey, know that only YOU can find the keys to your solution and only you can find it WITHIN yourself (- in other words: you are the key to everything). Get in touch with your feminine side regardless of gender (elegance, sensuality, fertility, creative expression, nurturing yourself and others), connect with people who make you feel good and connect more with nature to ground your energy and to be in flow with the earth. For example, take a trip to your favorite natural setting, be it a forest, beach, mountain or lake, and sit for a couple of minutes, hours or even days to breathe in the energy that surrounds you while marveling in the beauty of your surroundings. Allow yourself the time and the space to enter a different frame of mind. When you do this, you can reach higher planes of consciousness!

Connect with your senses through taste, touch, sound, smell and sight that maybe remind you of your dream life. Draw on these senses to experience pleasure and deep fulfillment! Treat yourself to a day spa, enjoy a fine restaurant or spend more time with people you love. Discover different approaches to expressing yourself creatively, be it through painting, music, drama or other art forms (that may enable you to access this hidden part of yourself). Also, you might feel a strong urge to nurture and care for others, from a place of loving compassion and support and in doing so you, too, receive benefit!

Surround yourself with life’s pleasures to feel comfort. You are in a period of growth, in which all you have dreamed of is now coming to fruition !! You are the creator of all, you gave birth to all those things, now be ready to receive them.

-> check out my other pac readings

༣P𝔦𝔩𝔢 3

7oP, PAGEoC, 6oS,

Hello pile three <3 I see you thinking a lot about your dream life and you’ve already invested a lot of time and effort into this ‘long term project’ of yours. On this journey, you had to learn to focus your efforts where they are most important and you worked hard at nurturing this idea/thought (of your dream life) in your mind. While you may feel impatient with the ‘slower progress’, I want you to know that if you keep at it, all your goals will come into fruition!

I think right now it’s important that you practice what you’ve learned - don’t overdo it, if you're tired because you keep exhausting yourself, try to focus on only the most important aspects. You might be the type to do things intensively but in that way you won't be able to keep doing that for long, you will exhaust yourself until you stop completely. The key here is balance! You don’t need to listen to subliminals, meditate all day long, think about your dream life 24/7 or be perfect, no. It’s about learning to persist in a way that you can keep up with for a long time. It’s your personal journey. You are not necessarily looking for quick wins. You might also want to make sure you are putting your attention on the right areas instead of wasting time and effort on tasks that will not deliver any value. Be careful of activities in your daily life that just drain your energy and make it hard for you to keep up with the things you love/that are important to you. Maybe try to step back from your day-to-day operations and look at the bigger picture. You know, your dream life is already being custom-made for you RIGHT NOW. Celebrate what you have created and assess your progress so far. Are you on track? Are you focused on the right tasks for your goal?

To be honest, you might actually be quite frustrated right now, you may even feel concerned that your efforts will go unrewarded. But darling, I promise you, what I see here is that you’ve made GREAT progress so far - even if you can’t ‘see’ it right now. Nothing you did was wasted effort, okay?

Keep going but in a way that is sustainable for you. Because I see that your manifestations will come to you out of the blue!! You will be kinda surprised but deep down you will have known that it was the right time. You’re meant to stay open and be ready to embrace anything coming your way, okay? It is with a curious mind that you will discover new aspects of life and yourself. You will be pleasantly surprised, i promise you. Be ready to dream the impossible dream, and explore the magic of your fullest potential, even if it seems out of reach right now! Prepare your mind and trust your intuition. Try to look for synchronicities and signs (ex. angel numbers), they will guide you on your path - tho they may come from unexpected places, or they may not even make sense to your rational mind. It is like following ‘intuitive breadcrumbs’ – one intuitive clue leads you to the next thing, and the next, and the next. And before you know it, you have found yourself in a place of full alignment, happiness and bliss - living your dream life. All by trusting your intuition and going with the flow!

I don't know what your current life looks like right now and what exactly you’re going through but I see you leaving behind a tumultuous situation (life), and moving towards a more peaceful and supportive environment. As of right now, you are in a state of transition. At times you might still feel sad to leave behind what is so familiar to you. However, you know this move is essential for your growth and personal development. The sadness over what you ‘lose’ or release will soon be replaced by greater mental clarity and a renewed acceptance of change. You are heading towards a much better position in life, as long as you are willing to evolve and shed whatever you no longer need. Do not dwell on what gets left behind. Instead, use this as an opportunity for changing your beliefs about yourself, moving away from whom you used to be and towards whom you want to be.

Also, you’re being asked to reflect on any emotional or mental baggage you may carry as you move from one phase to the next. This heavy weight from the past you’re carrying as you move forward is slowing your personal/mental growth a bit down - it’s nothing extreme though. Try to decide what you need to take with you and what you can leave behind. I mentioned it in the other piles too, it’s not the manifestations that take a long time - manifestations can be instant but it’s us or rather our mind that sometimes needs time to grow into that state in which we are able to receive those manifestations. You’re very close, go with the flow, listen to your intuition and don't exhaust yourself.

-> check out my other pac readings

#🌼 talking #pick a pile #pick a card #pick a picture #pac reading #pac #law of assumption #loa #loassumption #manifesting #shifting #t.tarot #t.loa #manifestation #permashifting #reality shifting

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prisoner-000 · 4 months

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did you really love her? | a kazui and hinako playlist!

tracklist & my reasons for the songs below the cut :) (half & coward montblanc excluded because i believe those to not be about hinako and kazui's relationship)

little lies - fleetwood mac: i feel like this is almost too obvious to explain. i know the song is technically about falling out of love, but the lyrics fit way too well with their relationship. this is from hinako's perspective, she wants to believe that kazui is genuine, but she slowly realizes that somethint is off. this song encapsulates their dynamic to me. tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies... oh no no, you can't disguise... [].

little soldiers - the crane wives: "and i dragged you through every room inside our home, but you still held me at night" and "i swear that i loved you, i swear that you loved me". hinako works herself to the bone for this relationship to work, so does kazui, they don't surrender, they want to win against the social norms. but they can't. no matter what, they can't do it, and they tear each other apart.

cat - milgram: yeah

have to explode - the mountain goats: "someone's gonna do something someone else is gonna regret". this whole song is so somber and sad but you know the singer and their partner are going to have a terrible fallout. it's all so bleak. hinako and kazui are going to have that argument, and hinako's going to fall.

time - aliceband: "will you remember me in years to come?/or am i just a seed, and please be fine/'cause i hate this lying all the time/and i would kill myself if i thought i'd go somewhere better/but this is it/we are in hell, we are in pain/and i will suffer with you"

second hand news - fleetwood mac: a song about the singer's lover finding someone new to love and the singer leaving. take that as you will.. hinako pov :)

angeleyes - abba: lyrics don't really fit their relationship but they do fit eerily well with the entirety of the cat mv (i made an amv of it. Perhaps.)

leaving home ain't easy - queen: "stay, my love, please stay" - this line always makes me think of the moments before hinako's death. a lot of singled out lyrics really fit their relationship imo..

i want you to love me - fiona apple: hinako pov. need i say more. a woman raised in a society that expects her to be the perfect wife and she finds the perfect guy but he doesn't love her. not quite.

neo-neon - deco*27: yeah.. (both of t2 kazui songs feel like they are sung to hinako imo)

the winner takes it all - abba: feel like i don't even need to explain myself just listen to it man

drowse - queen: a song about goodbye and love fading away... and remembering what used to be happiness... do you think kazui ever looked back on the happy days with hinako and felt like the worst man on earth

butterfly - weezer: sorry for weezer. "sorry for what i did" MORE GUILT!!!!

another heart breaks - elo: just a good, moody, calm song that i feel would, if milgram was a movie, play in the days after hinako's death

the man with the child in his eyes - kate bush: something about kazui constantly reminiscing about his childhood, wanting to not grow up, wanting to be young and irresponsible forever. hinako pov.. meeting him and seeing that child in him

the stranger - billy joel: "you never let your lover see the stranger in yourself". self-explanatory? kazui never told hinako the truth until... well.

left-handed kisses - andrew bird: a song about two people falling in love. there's a lingering sadness in it, almost like they're both kind of unmotivated.

fakery tale - deco*27: THIS IS MY T3 COVER PROPAGANDA!!! i'd rather forget this ever happened, pretend it was all just a lie...

#milgram #007 #kazui mukuhara #hinako mukuhara #playlist #prisoner's ramblings #milgram project #eyup #Spotify

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writingquestionsanswered · 10 months

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First off, thank you so much for all of your writing advice! You're an invaluable resource when it comes to new writers, and I wanted to thank you for doing what you do!

I am not new to writing, but in the past few months, I've decided to seriously pursue completing my WIPs. I am running into a problem when revisiting my old work, specifically finding motivation to complete them. Most of my WIPs are fully fleshed out with planning docs, outlines, etc., which should make the writing process all that easier. My problem is that once the outline is completed, I am no longer interested in writing the story. I usually try to freestyle my writing, meaning no outline, but I've found that when I freestyle, I often have issues creating a coherent plot. So I've recently turned to creating loose outlines to keep myself on track, but once the outline is finished, I'm no longer interested in the story. I still want to write it, but when I try to use the outline, I find myself getting stuck. Its almost like my brain feels like the story is done and no further development is needed.

So my question is, how do you keep writing once the outline is completed? Is there a way to rekindle the passion for the narratives I've created?

Losing Motivation After Outlining

It does sound like that's what's happening... like after you finish outlining, your brain is saying, "Well, this story is done! Off to the next one!"

I have a lot of ideas for things to try to rekindle your interest in your story. I'll link them all below, and hopefully one will work for you! ♥ Motivational Exercises:

Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists Getting Excited About Your Story Again

Troubleshooting:

5 Reasons You Lost Interest in Your WIP, Plus Fixes!Have Plot, Can’t WriteFeeling Unmotivated with WIPGuide: Dealing with Self-Doubt & Impostor SyndromeWriting and Depression

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

Learn more about WQA

See my ask policies

Visit my Master List of Top Posts

Go to ko-fi.com/wqa to buy me coffee or see my commissions

#writing tips #writing help #writing advice #wqaadvice

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polarisbibliotheque · 2 years

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Update - My Health Saga

Hey guys! I hope you are all doing fine, my beautiful amazing beings that lighten up my day with your presence ^^

I decided to make a post about my health saga (yeah, not a journey; it's almost a walk to Mordor already) so maybe it can help other people going through it as well - and also explaining a bit to you all.

As a big summing up of what I'll be saying here: don't give up on your health and keep going. Someday you'll get a diagnosis and a proper treatment. It can seem like a neverending quest, but trust me, it WILL get to a resolution - sometimes, taking much more time than we actually thought it would. But it is NOT forever.

(Yes. Long post ahead)

So, flashback to 4 years ago.

I was the most hopeless workaholic you could ever think of. I usually stayed at work for 10h, didn't have breaks for the bathroom/drinking water and stopped eating lunch. I was fresh out of college and bullied by my co-workers (having previously been bullied at school and still recovering from it) and my boss knew it and did nothing. My health started going on a downward spiral, but there was nothing I could do.

I tried to find another job, but unemployment was already becoming a huge issue in my country. Why did I stay there? My parents couldn't get retired and couldn't find a job, so it was up to me and my sister to provide everything in the house and hold it all together. She couldn't do it alone, so I couldn't just throw my hands in the air one day and leave. I had to stay there or find a new job.

After 2 years without vacations, I got fired by my new boss only 1 week before taking my 30 days of vacation I had stored up and I desperately needed - and her reason to do so is that I was unmotivated.

Needless to say, I broke down (and got trauma from work). It was a 2h ride back home and I walked all the way back, thinking what the hell I'd tell my parents and my sister. I literally lost everything I had build up to that point in my life.

I tried so hard to find a new job, I sent thousands of CVs, I went to interviews, but I was never able to find something. I started a post-graduation, for everyone was telling me that was what was missing from my CV, but I couldn't focus and had to drop out.

I wasn't doing anything right. I was just trying so so so hard to get my life back, to have my sense of self back - all the while my body was slowly crumbling and I was eating less and less, feeling sick every time I had any kind of food, healthy or not.

Then the pandemics came, we got in a lockdown and I lost my sanity as well as the rest of health I had.

My mom got increasingly worried and I lost lots and lots of weight - I'm currently underweight and people think I'm doing fine. Still, I always tried to go back to my old self, to what I knew I was - desperately trying to hold on to anything that gave me a sense of who I was.

After around a year and a half of lockdown, we started seeing doctors - I needed help. I really needed help, even though I ignored it to keep going, to keep trying.

We went to 6 different doctors and I went through all the medical exams you can imagine. Invasive ones, non invasive, blood tests... The whole thing. I got skinnier, exhausted and barely able to do the things I always did. To the point of looking at myself in the mirror and not knowing who the hell that was - externally and internally.

All doctors told me the same thing: I had to do yoga, I had to meditate and relax, I had to take a few pills for pain because of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and just... Try to eat. That simple.

Can you imagine it? I never thought of just trying to eat!

(read it with sarcasm)

Now, I've always been the "I never give up and I do what I set out to do even if the whole world is against me" person in my house. But I got to a point I sometimes can't even get up from bed - I have no energy.

Just imagine how mad, confused, sad and exhasperated I got the first time I realized I couldn't get up from kneelling on the floor without help. I barely have the strength to walk up a hill - and that comes from someone who spent more than 12 years doing sports, dancing, swimming, tennis, running, strength training, HIIT, cardio, fighting and such on a weekly/daily basis.

Every time I have to call my mother to help me get up from kneeling/leaning down I feel like... Well, I feel like if I was Vergil from DMC, I wouldn't even think about using the Yamato to save my crumbling ass. I'd do it, no matter the consequences.

My mom found a 7th doctor earlier this year and I was so tired. I told her I didn't want doctors anymore - I was ok with being sick for the rest of my life, even if I didn't know how long that would be in that condition. I gave up on hope, on doctors, on medicine, everything.

So she dragged my ass to the doctor's office.

More thousands of exams. MRIs, blood tests, feeling miserable, invasive exams... Nothing new. And the more time passed, the weaker I got.

And then, after 4 years struggling with this mysterious health issue, my doctor got 2 diagnosis: SIBO and Primary Sclerosing Colangitis.

For SIBO, it was more of a try really rather than a certainty - but I got the reactions from the tests, even if they were negative (there are 2 types of SIBO, but in my country we only have 1 type of test). I took an antibiotic and lo and behold, my quality of life improved drastically.

I wasn't fully cured, but hey, I could eat soup! That was a huge improvement for someone living literally of just bread and tea for more than a year.

For Primary Sclerosing Colangitis, my doctor started asking some pretty expensive and obscure exams regarding the liver (you guessed it, my sister has to pay for everything and I never felt so useless in my life) because one of my blood tests always came back with a huge alteration and everyone dismissed as "something normal to me".

Again. I had been to 6 doctors. And all of them thought it was because I drank or used drugs, even though I could barely eat food.

So, after two MRIs, Primary Sclerosing Colangitis. That means the bile ducts to my liver, internal and external, are slowly closing, slowly fading away, until one day they won't be there anymore and I'll have a cirrhosis, needing a liver transplant to stay alive.

There is no cure and no treatment. It's a super rare disease and guess I was chosen by the gods to carry it. Now, the catch is, there are people who don't develop it quickly and live their whole lives without getting to a bad stage and there are people who live three years and have to go over two or more transplants. There's no way to tell how mine is going to develop.

Needless to say, it's a lot to deal with. Really a lot. Suddenly I'm 28 years old and I have to start thinking about life insurance, health plans that cover transplants, retirement, disability retirement, how to deal with friendships, how to get into relationships with something like this, if I'll be able to have kids, how long I'm going to live and what do I want to do before I die.

I started taking a medication that isn't protocol but has good results in holding back the disease, and thankfully my most recent blood tests have already drastically changed. From April to now, August, my liver enzymes are doing a lot better.

And then I went to a clinical nutritionist who has asked me another exam and finally my final diagnosis is Dysbiosis! Basically, my gut bacteria is all wrong and making me sick with everything, even if I don't have any kind of food allergies (trust me, I tested it too).

I just started a new diet with lots of suplements and medications from both doctors and it's the first time in 3 years I'm able to eat 3 meals a day, consisting of proper food: soup, chicken, fruits, vegetables, yogurts, cookies, teas, mug cakes... A whole bunch of things I didn't even remember how they tasted like.

Of course, for a month I'll have to eat it all in very small quantities and cannot eat gluten, lactose or sugar (or at least keep a very low amount of sugar in my diet). My parents managed to recently get their retirement and, even if it is kinda low and not at all what we were expecting, it's already helping - as I'm not being able to help anymore.

(That scene from Sandman where Morpheus just got back from the waking world and is trying to muster all his strength to put everything back into place but then he falls on the ground, tired, broken, beaten down by 100 years of abuse in the hands of his captors? The way his eyes were glistening with tears of anger and despair? Not knowing who he is without his tools? Yeah. I felt that.)

Weirdly enough, it's the first time in 4 years I'm feeling a slight sliver of hope - I'm showing some improvement, I have a proper diagnosis I can shove in the face of everyone who had ever told me I was just a brat who didn't want to eat, I finally have a light regarding my health. I have a prospect that at least I can get better and fight my chronic illness until the Fates decide it's my time to go.

If it wasn't for my mother, though, I'd have given up. Honestly. She kept trying, she kept dragging me around. She's still doing it, helping me with all the implications of having a chronic illness that I know not how it will develop in the future.

So, Polaris, what's the moral of the story?

As bitter and gloomy as I am, the moral is: don't give up. Don't EVER give up. I know how it is like to have people look at you, doctors even, as if you're crazy, as if you're just a little brat who's throwing a tantrum, as if you're not making enough effort to heal yourself. I know how it is to feel hopeless, to feel like there's no perspective of ever getting back to be a healthy person or at least find the proper medication to help you with your struggles.

But don't give up. Even if you're feeling like you're dragging your crumbling body around, don't give up. It may seem stupid, but seeing V and Vergil in DMC5 always gave me some kind of "C'mon, I can't let go now, I have to keep trying. At least one more time." and maybe you can find something that gives you motivation too - but keep going.

It might take a lot of time, but you will find a doctor who will know what kind of problem you have and help you. In the end, with the Colangitis, my doctor accidentally found it and I'm being able to take the meds to hold it back a lot earlier than many people - and that might be something that will help me in the long run. Weirdly, it was good that we stumbled on it so soon, not when my liver is already failing. Again, it took me 7 doctors, but he did what no one could do before. Maybe you're in the brink of finding your doctor as well. So don't give up know.

That's why sometimes I'm absent for weeks or even a month - my health isn't always at its best and I'm always having to do lots and lots of medical checks to keep track of it. That's why sometimes it takes me a long while to reply my messages - but I can assure you all, this blog and the Shall Never Surrender Project is something so dear to me. I'm feeling useful again and I have only to thank you for being here with me and reading what I have to say.

Is this a huge TEDtalk? Oh yes. Apologies for making it so long, but we are long and complex stories anyway. I just thought this might help someone who's going through some existential crisis while battling their health issues. Or other issues too.

My new meds have literally just arrived and honestly people, I promised my gods I'd start some competitive sport if I get better this time. If all goes well, hopefully you'll be able to see me competing on archery or something of that kind next year ;)

That's a nice perspective to have. Don't forget yours. And keep going, no matter what.

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sweetestofchaos · 1 year

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Hey girl I want to talk to some and I thought of you.

Okay so I work in a cleaning office I’m 21 and I’m documented so it was hard for me to find a job that doesn’t ask for SSN anyways lately there’s been a few people here in the building making fun of me saying and I quote “your young working as a janitor that’s so sad and embarrassing” or “you should get a new job unless you didn’t have the education to get a better job” and other cruel things. And now I feel so ashamed of myself and to be honest, I don’t like the job there are a few nice people here but I feel like I could get a better job but we’re I been looking for a new one but I can’t find one they all ask for so many things specifically SSN I have to hold back my anger and tears because it’s hard and I need money I live with my parents but I pay rent, own pets, and all the jazz I just feel so unmotivated and unhappy.

Bestie, fuck em! You hear me? Fuck them!!!!

They have no write to belittle you at all. You are all doing the same shit, so what does that say about them? Embarrassing? So sad?? What's so embarrassing and sad about supporting yourself? There is nothing (and I mean this with my whole ass chest) nothing wrong with your job! Having an education doesn't mean shit to anyone anymore. They are stuck in the past and it's sad that they can't get with the times.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. You're 21 and are able to support yourself! Not everyone can say that and that is something you should be proud of. Hell, I'm 28 (going on 29) and I'm struggling to support my damn self, yet alone my family! Fuck them!!! Jeez this made me so freaking mad.

Do not let a bunch of loser who hate themselves make you feel any less than the amazing person that you are. You know who you are, you know your worth, fuck em! I cannot stress that enough!

As for struggling to find a job, I feel you on that, best friend. It is hard for everyone. Documented or not, job hunting is rough. Keep plugging at it little by little everyday. You don't have to spend hours looking for a new job. One or three apps a week is more than enough. If you are able to, try and go out with your dad/mom/sibling. Just spend the day breathing and forget about everything else.

I know things are looking dark and it sucks, believe me, I know. I hate to say that things will get better 'cause no one wants to hear that. But it's the truth. It takes time, a lot of time. Nothing will change over night (sadly). Just keep pushing and don't hold onto the bad days.

I would say talk to your HR department about the other people who are talking shit. It's not cool for them to be saying things like that, it makes for a toxic environment and leads way for poor workmanship.

I am here, if you need to talk and vent. I am always here, okay?

I love you and I am sending you all the good vibes that I can conjure,

Chaos

#soc answers #soc asks #anon bestie 💚

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actualtext · 1 year

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Dec 11, 2022

Refelction 3

1. What is going on inside your head right now?

The closer February gets, the more excited I am to start a new chapter in life. I think what I'm most excited about aside from the change is the fact that I'm going to have to do things in order to succeed at this task of moving. For instance, I'll -at some point- need to set up an appointment for the DMV to register my car to Indiana. I get really excited about potentially completing tasks (if I can remember to do them).

2. What negative emotion keeps cropping up the most lately?

I've been worried I'm not working hard enough and that I wont be able to make my deadline. I will say that the only reason I don't work so hard is simply becasue I take time off to socialize as a form of self care. I still feel guilty sometimes about that. I feel like I don't deserve to take a break if I haven't reached my goal. I'm going to be honest, I don't think I'll be reaching my goal this week. I only have $100 to go, but I went to a birthday party out of town which took all of my day and today I got my car worked on, decided to journal, and have a girls night planned with some ex co workers. I know me spending time with friends is healthy, and I will admit, I do feel a whole lot better than I did a couple days ago. I just someitmes forget how healthy it is to not always work all the time. haha

3. What has made you the happiest lately?

It's gonna sound weird but the other day I was sitting with Vlad at a coffee shop in Austin, Christmas music was playing it was a vibe. We had ordered a vegan chocolate chip cookie, it was the last one in the display case. That first bit was complete bliss. They warmed it up for us, and we paired with with vegan lattes and let me tell you. It was like I bit into a little piece of heaven. I felt a shock go through my body from the sweetness that first bite held. It was like when you think of eating a pickle and yoru mouth starts to salivate. Simply amazing. That feeling, that setting, the complany, the taste. All together it made me so happy. I felt joy for the first time in a hot minute.

4. The last time you felt this way, what did you do?

The last time I felt like I wasnt working hard enough, I became a workaholic and ignored any social opportunities. It was very isolating and I've learned from that experience to not do that again. lol This time I've made the effort to hang with friends at least once a week.

5. What holds you back the most from moving on from negative emotions?

Just constantly forgetting what path I've chosen to take. Like one day I could choose to work out three times a week, but after a few days of being of track I might fall off cause its not part of my everyday life. With that being said, if it's not something I need to think about regularly, I'll probably forget it. So, working out in this example, I would only think of when when I finally remembered. It would actually be easier if I just told myself "I'm going to choose healthier options for each meal instead of what I would normally eat" since I eat on average, three times a day.

6. Which emotions are you trying to avoid right now? why?

I'm trying to avoid feeling unmotivated. I feel like I'm not doing enough while also feeling like I'm doing the most that I can. I'm just constantly trying to find a balance, while also trying not to stop moving forward. I'm trying not to think about how I can be better and trying to be satisfied with what I'm able to do. Right now theres a giant (HUGE) pile of clothes on my floor and bed that needs to be washed. I literally just ignore it because right now I'm focusing on other things. Getting my car worked on, working, trying to socialize, etc. I know I should do it, and I want to do it, but if I think about doing it right now while I have so many other things going, I'm going to feel overwhelmed. I'll do it tomorrow when work is slow, and I don't have anythiing planned. And at that, I'll only do as much as I can before I start getting frustrated with how much laundry I have to do. lmao As you can probably tell, I'm trying to control how much stress I'm exposed to. I'm honestly really good at doing this. It's like eternal compartmentalization. XD I have a feeling I'm going to get back on to-do list kick.

SIDE NOTE-sometimes I go into phases of super interest, and then just as quckly hop out of those phases. to do lists were on. I used to make to do lists for everything, and then I stopped. I used to make spreadsheets and then I stopped. Same with everything else. Sometimes I'll be really interested in something for a while and then just like nothing, that.... fixation(?) will just go away and I'm either on to the next thing or dont have anything I'm fixated on. It feels like little bursts of obsession. Its kinda of weird.

7. What is your inner critic telling you lately?

I'll probably never be able to make up my mind about anything. Even in high school, I didn't know what electives I wanted to do so I did them all. I was in choir most of my school career, but I also did mariachi, art, dance, JROTC, graphic design, theater. Everything except for band, cheer, and athletics.

Why can't I chose things? At this point is effecting my life. Like I don't know what path to follow because theres so many and it's so overwhelming so Im just kinda of stuck in limbo not going in any particular direction. haha I hate this.

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aubreysdumbpoems · 2 years

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Did something I've never done before and let my son help me draw my tarot, here's what we got:

Wheel of Fortune

-Greater forces that are outside of human control are at work here. The same forces that govern the changing of the seasons, or the rising and setting of the sun is also the master of luck and the fate of individuals. Where it lands is as random as chance - you may find yourself at either the top or bottom, but remember that no matter what the outcome it may not last for very long, for the wheel always turns.

Knight of Wands

The Knight of Wands' symbolism is straightforward. The person should feel charged up and full of life. One is also ready to get things done. When the Knight of Wands shows up in a reading it seems to suggest that the seeker wants to complete important tasks. Getting the Knight of Wands in a reading can also mean that there is an event that you don’t expect to happen soon.

Knight of Pentacles

The Knight of Pentacles is about the daily tasks and the responsibility that one has to gain through a specific project. This knight has the patience to accomplish all his given duties and is considered by others reliable and committed to his work. To see this card is an indication that there is a need to be trustworthy and reliable.The Knight of Pentacles can also represent routine, or the kind of general hard work that you go through everyday. The meaning of the Knight of Pentacles also advises that the querent should continue to do exactly what he is doing. Sticking with the tried and true methods, he will accomplish everything he has set out to do. Sometimes, going with what has already done is not necessarily bad.

Four of Cups

The Four of Cups tend to appear when you are feeling discouraged and unmotivated. You may feel as if there is no solution or way forward in your situation. Life has become stagnant, and nothing seems to make you happy or passionate. You are feeling apathetic - regardless of what happens, whether the day is good or bad, none of it matters to you. The Four of Cups commands a self-evaluation of your attitude so that you can pull yourself out of this rut. The solution is likely right in front of you, the hand is offering you a way out, but you release yourself out of your mental stubbornness and deploy new approach.You must search your motives, instincts and thoughts so that you can find your passion again. The Four of Cups revolves around finding your true interests and working towards fulfilling them. Our lives are short, and sometimes monotonous, but we must create meaning for ourselves. Our individual callings are not just there for us to find, but to decide and to imagine.

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euanwalkerhndphotography · 2 years

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Evaluation

Graded Unit - Evaluation

Euan Walker

For this brief we were instructed to create a brief of our own, compiled of ten images. We were to research and complete an essay on inspirational photographers related to the topic/style of our choosing. Create a fully fledged plan of how we would complete our project. Capture 10 images and have 5 of them sent off to be printed before finally evaluating the project and our experiences as a whole.

For this project I decided to cover mental health and make my images self portraits. I wanted to portray my feelings through the difficulties of my Auntie's illness and how it had affected me and my family. Across my 10 images I aimed to capture a mix of self portraits in the studio and place images at both my flat and home to try and capture the bleak and deserted look. I created a timetable in which I was really keen to stick to as it would help me stay relaxed about my project and I wouldn't be running around last minute trying to get my images done. I set out specific dates for travel, editing, shooting and other important factors. I wanted to start shooting in the second week of the Easter break however I did not achieve this.

Before the Easter holidays my Aunt's condition deteriorated quite a lot. It became quite distracting and stopped me from capturing any images at home as it really didn't feel appropriate. Throughout the holidays her condition would fluctuate, some days she would be out of the hospice seeing family, other days she wouldn't be able to leave bed. On Easter Monday, the day before returning to college she fell into a state of deep sleep. The following day she sadly passed away. This completely unmotivated me to do any work and I wasn't really sure what to do with myself. After a couple of days I decided I needed to get on with the project as I had now effectively lost 3 weeks of shooting and had completely gone off of the timetable which I didn't want to do. I therefore made the decision to shoot in the studio as I was only doing self portraits and that made the most sense to me. I took every opportunity I could to capture images whether it be in the studio during class time or at the twilights which I repeatedly showed up to. I found the twilight classes very beneficial as they were relatively quiet meaning I wasn't being distracted. I finished shooting all my images on the 18th of May and sent my images off to print the following day which was 6 days later than intended.

Due to this change in my project I had to come up with more ideas for portraits than intended. This threw me off a little as it meant I needed to do further planning during my project. Unfortunately this made me feel as though some images were a little rushed and not quite up to the standard however I would have failed to meet the deadline otherwise.

To start the project I was keen to capture and display all my images in colour. As I progressed with my project and began editing, I soon realised that my images looked better in black and white and that converting them also added more mood and feel to the image. At the end of my project I reviewed them all in colour and black and white and was confident that this change was beneficial.

Though I had the loss looming over me during this project and it being a relatively dark topic, I did enjoy it. I enjoyed the freedom of being able to create and capture what I wanted without any real boundaries as such, allowing me to try out new techniques. I also really enjoy working in the studio and having access to the lights within as I'm able to achieve different lighting patterns which can then have different effects on the image and give off different moods.

I found this project almost therapeutic in a way. I struggle to describe how I am feeling to others and don't really like putting myself out there. I never have and recently have found it even more challenging. I find that the problems I have are my problems and my problems only, nobody else's. It is not up to someone else to solve them, but rather me. The ability to then create a photograph that would describe how I was feeling without the use of words was really special to me and I believe is an important tool for the future.

Slightly contradicting my previous point, I have found that during this project, help from others has seriously benefitted me and allowed me to work more efficiently. For example having someone focus the image for me has been very helpful as this can be quite difficult for self portraiture. Other times it has been people perhaps pressing the shutter for me to save me from using a 10 second timer, holding objects or items such as the cling film in one of the images or even just recommendations about different possible lighting or angles.

All in all I am pretty happy with how my project turned out. I believe the images work well together as a series and ultimately achieve what I aimed for. I have found it very difficult to describe how I feel within images that truly show this however I feel I have achieved this to a certain degree. This project has also shown me that I do enjoy self portraiture and that I want to explore it further in the future.

If I were to do the project again I would perhaps spend more time planning my images and how I would light them and pose for them. I found that instead of being set on a certain pose I would try multiple poses. To an extent this is helpful as it gives me more options but it can also make me struggle as I can be very indecisive. I would have liked to have spent more time on each photograph and getting it exactly right instead of rushing but unfortunately I fell behind at the start which made this more difficult. I would also use a different printing company. I initially wanted to use deadly digital as they had close connections with the college and were based in Glasgow. On the day I was ready to print, I went onto their website and couldn't find a way to have my images printed off; however I was keen to have them sent away as soon as possible. I ended up using Loxley colour which is based in Cumbernauld. On their website I was able to pay there and then and have confirmation that my images were being printed. The main downside to this was that it cost me £85 which is a lot, so I would therefore give myself a bit more time and look at using another company.

#personalproject

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chichiscloset · 3 years

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Self Care Tips for the High Maintenance Woman 🌸

Life is tough.... but don't let it consume you!

Hey babes, It’s your girl Chichi! it’s no secret that living in the 21st century is tough. It seems like there are more demands on women than ever before, and the expectations for what a woman should be capable of doing at any given moment seem to increase with each passing day. The result? Stress levels through the roof, not enough time or money to do anything about it, and an emotional rollercoaster that never stops running.

Self-care is important for everyone, but it’s especially crucial for women in the age of self-doubt, social media judgment, and FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)

The good news is you don’t have to live this way! Further down in this blog post, we’ll discuss 3 self-care tips for women so you can finally start taking better care of yourself without sacrificing who you are. 💅🏾

So... Chichi what even is self-care?

When you care for yourself, you are taking time to recharge your batteries. Its a form of tapping into your Feminine Energy! You’re self-nurturing, taking care of your body and mind so you can be the best version of yourself. It’s not selfish or a sign that you don’t love others; it’s simply about giving yourself what you need to do all the hard work in life. If you are interested in some other tips; “On how to tap into your Feminine Energy click here!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a few minutes each day for yourself, doing something that makes you feel good inside out, surrounding yourself with self-loving people, or treating yourself to something special every once in a while..

Self care is crucial for us High Maintenance Ladies!

A lack of self-care comes from never feeling like we have enough time, money, or self-love to do the things we need. We don’t prioritize ourselves because of our own self-doubt and lack of self-worth. Keep scrolling down to find out what 3 self care tips I focus most of my attention on!

#01 Prioritize Sleeping Early

Want to improve your looks, memory, concentration, energy, and productivity? Want to more easily maintain a healthy weight? Want to strengthen your immune system and live happier, healthier, and longer? TRY GETTING AT LEAST 7-8 HOURS OF REST EACH NIGHT!

How you put yourself to bed and what time you turn off the lights makes a huge impact on how productive you’ll be the following morning, as well as our looks, memory, concentration, energy, and maintaining healthy weight. I find it repulsive that western society stigmatizes sleep. Glorifying those who can push through an all-nighter and dismissing those who prioritize sleep as lazy or unmotivated.

Humans are not like the owls, or cats, or bats that sleep in the day and are awake at night. We are physiologically programmed to do the opposite. This phenomenon has been understood for thousands of years and was recently validated by modern science.

If your like me and used to be a night owl I literally had to train my brain to sleep early as 8-10pm! After a few weeks I fully became used to it and I've been doing this for the past year and a half! Here’s how I was able to do it:

1.Avoid Large Meals Right Before Bedtime. Eat dinner at least 3 hours before sleeping

2.Start prepping yourself for bed in the Early Evening 7-8pm. Keep lights low. Limit exposure to bright light in the evenings. Relax. Worrying about a problem or a long to-do list can be a recipe for insomnia. Well before you turn in, try writing down your worries and make a list of tasks you want to remember. This “worry journal” may help move these distracting thoughts from your mind. Closer to bedtime, try com¬forting rituals that may help lull you to sleep: Listen to soft, calming music, take a warm bath, do some easy stretches or read a book or magazine by soft light.

You can practice saying this self-care affirmation right before you head to bed:

“I deserve to sleep 8 hours each night, because I am worth it!”

#02 Stay Active & Keep moving!

We know that staying active is one of the best ways to keep our bodies healthy. But did you know it can also improve your overall well-being and quality of life?

Here are just a few of the ways physical activity can help you feel better, look better and live better. Because, why not?

Regular physical activity can relieve stress, anxiety, depression and anger. You know that "feel good sensation" you get after doing something physical? Think of it as a happy pill with no side effects! Most people notice they feel better over time as physical activity becomes a regular part of their lives.It keeps you physically fit and able.

Without regular activity, your body slowly loses its strength, stamina and ability to function properly. It’s like the old saying: you don’t stop moving from growing old, you grow old from stopping moving. Exercise increases muscle strength, which in turn increases your ability to do other physical activities.

I dedicate an hour a day to practicing either Yoga (for relaxation, raising my vibration, & aligning my chakra’s) & Pilates (for stretching & maintaining my figure) with my little sister.

For those who don't know what pilates is I'll give you a quick summary..

Pilates is a challenging low impact exercise method that balances strength with mobility, aligns the body, fine-tunes movement patterns, and strengthens the deeper muscles of the core. It helps strengthen your core, Posture, reduces mensural pain, eliminates stress, boosts flexibility & agility enhances body awareness.

You can practice saying this self-care affirmation when you choose exercise!

“I deserve keep my body fit, because I am worth it!”

#03 Make a habit of eating healthy

Practicing self-care eating means making thoughtful choices about the foods that you put into your body.

Being mindful of what your putting inside of your body is important! Think about it you were born with this body only. would you want to feed it things that would be detrimental to your health?

If you think about it..without attending to one’s own bodily, emotional, and mental needs, how can that same person attend to anything or anyone else?

The food that you choose should provide energy and the nutrition that you need to manage your weight and stay healthy for the long-term. That includes protein, vitamins, fruits, vegetables, whole grains and healthy fats.

To practice self-care eating, ask yourself these 6 questions when you are in the grocery store, planning your meals for the week, or sitting down to eat:

Am I eating to fuel my body? Food is energy. If you are choosing food for other reasons, try writing in a food journal to better understand those choices.

Am I including fresh fruits and vegetables? Fruits and vegetables provide important micro-nutrition as well as fibre. Good gut health will lead to a longer life! reduce risk of Colon Cancer.

Am I meeting my hydration goals? 64 oz or 2L of water, each day help you maintain regularity, lubricate joints, avoid headaches, and regulate temperature.

Am I eating at mealtimes? An eating schedule helps you avoid mindless snacking, impulsive or emotional eating, and helps keep calorie intake in check.

Am I focused on the meal, or distracted by something else? Eat in your eating place. Avoid eating in the car, in front of the TV, or in your relaxing place.

You can practice saying this self-care affirmation when you choose nutritious meals!

“I deserve to eat this healthy food, because I am worth it!”

In Conclusion...

We all need to care for ourselves for different reasons. Whether you have a family, work full time outside of the home, or are studying to become a professional and it’s hard to balance both responsibilities with self-care.

Self-care is an essential part of living a healthy life. If you’re not taking care of yourself, you may not be able to take care of the people who matter most to you.

Taking time for yourself without feeling guilty, isn’t selfish. It’s essential. It may be difficult at first, but it’s worth the effort if you want to feel healthy and be there for the people you love the most.

If making yourself a priority isn’t coming naturally to you yet, don’t give up—it only gets easier with practice. It takes different forms depending on your needs and personality preferences. One self-care routine could involve taking walks outside or listening to music while another might mean reading a good book by candlelight.

So, find what works best and inspires you and make yourself a priority.

Have any self care tips you’d like to add? let us know in the comments! (chichi xo)

want to see more posts like these? follow @miss-femme-fatale for more!

Source: @miss-femme-fatale

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enamouredfae · 3 years

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♡ Pick a Card ♡

What you need to know in order to be ready for the love you so longingly seek!

This reading is looking at anything you might need to heal or grow into in order to enter future relationships as your higher self. I am not looking at your future, but simply trying to guide you towards your highest good in the field of love. Many of us have internalized certain perceptions of love that we must unlearn, or have lived through difficult moments which have closed us off or made experiencing love more difficult. If you are in a toxic relationship/situation, please do not take any messages that might seem to tell you to stay in it. With this reading, I will hopefully open you up to some introspection and hopefully growth. You may very well be attracted to multiple piles and that is ok! Read all that attract you and take what resonates. Each pile has three pieces of advice, so mixing and matching is invited!

This reading is for entertainment purposes only.

This is a timeless reading for the collective, therefore it is likely that some messages will not resonate with you. Please only take the messages that do! The messages that do not, are meant for somebody else. Remember that the future is never set in stone and that you possess free will! Love you! ♡

Pile 1

Charm: Knot

1. Yang

Yang tells me that you need to learn to become more proactive in love. You cannot wait around. You must act! You need to manifest your desires into the material world by doing. It's perfectly fine to do the first move, no matter what society deems "acceptable", it is even invited with this card.

23. Peace

Radical acceptance is necessary for inner peace and in this case for a higher love. You must first love yourself fully, light and shadow self, before loving someone else in the way that you both deserve! And you deserve radical acceptance, we are all flawed and intricate people! As long as we are willing to change and grow and put in the work, past mistakes can be atoned for.

38. To be fair

This card tells me that you need to learn to be more balanced in relationships. Are you giving more than the other parties? Are you giving less? We must be fair to both others and ourselves. When someone in the relationship gives more, they may feel underappreciated which can become unmotivating, but they can also overwhelm the other person. You must learn balance.

Pile 2

Charm: Cactus

7. To the sea (reversed)

"When fishermen cannot go to sea, they stay at home and repair their nets." This is a quote from the guidebook that I had to rewrite here because it encapsulates the advice perfectly. You probably long for love like fishermen long for the sea. This card is telling me that the problem isn't coming from you, but the external world. An idea that just popped up in my head is a queer teen living in a homophobic area or with homophobic parents, so it is likely that this could be your situation. If it is, I love you, please take care of yourself, love and better days will come, don't worry! But you must wait a while longer until the external world matches your vibration, perhaps you'll have to move, wait until you're safe to go out to the sea. Until then, go with the flow.

50. No place like home (reversed)

This card seems to work perfectly with the previous one, it reminds us that what is familiar isn't always the best, because it keeps us from growing. If you want change, you can't keep going to the same things/people that haven't worked before, it's counterintuitive. It is natural to go back to what's familiar, but try something new. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Choose unfamiliar.

34. A leg up (reversed)

You are carrying the burden of your world all alone. You probably don't feel safe sharing what you feel, or are very uncomfortable with vulnerability. To be honest with you, right before writing this part of the reading, I started tearing up, you are holding in so much hurt... You need to voice your struggles, being vulnerable is proof of immense strength, believe me! I know it's hard! Start little by little with someone you really trust!

Pile 3

Charm: Star

35. Loyal Heart

Ok if one pile is ready for the beginning of a relationship it's this one. It is the perfect time for you to create loyal commitments. It is possible that you are already in a committed relationship, but at the very least you are surrounded by loyal, devoted people. Don't forget to be devoted and loyal in return!

4. Higher Power (reversed)

This card is inviting you to trust in whatever divine power you believe in, trust that the universe is divinely guiding you and protecting you. I feel like if a certain religion or spiritual path attracts or fascinates you, you should start looking into it, careful with being disrespectful or appropriating it, especially with closed practices, please do your research! But connecting to Source would be beneficial to you in the long run!

25. Round and Round

You are stuck in a cycle that you must break. Do not worry, you shouldn't feel bad, it's all part of the learning process. Remember: you've been through this before, think back on how that made you feel the previous times, are you sure you want to go through that again? Breaking this cycle is a form of self-care, and you need to care for yourself! You are subconsciously punishing yourself by staying in this cycle, try thinking about the root of why you're doing so! It could help you in breaking it!

Pile 4

Charm: "Love"

8. The tribe

You may want to find your tribe, or you have recently found it. You might feel like you finally belong, or are longing for that feeling. Whenever I get this card, I think of the astrology/witchcraft/tarot community here! It may be the same for you! You are welcome here, and hopefully, you feel like you belong! Contributing to any community that you are passionate about, whether online or in real life, will bring you great joy and satisfaction. Your tribe awaits and needs you! It's possible that that's where you'll find love as well!

6. Not for you (reversed)

Let them go. Whoever you first thought of, it's time to stop obsessing over them. "Don't chase after what flees you." I'm sure you realize this is not serving you, but how do you stop? This card is suggesting radical acceptance and surrender, that this is a sign that someone or something much better is waiting for you. I suggest reminding yourself that they aren't perfect and that you have just come to idealize them.

52. Mending (reversed)

You are very likely going through a grieving period right now. There is so much hurt and disappointment. "Heartbreak is a strange healer of souls." It may feel awful now, but trust that when you look back one day, you will see that the hurt you're feeling now, transformed you in a powerful way. This card is inviting you to accept the heartbreak and push through it, situations like this open us up to seeing the world in a new way, to growing. Better days are coming!

Pile 5

Charm: Angel

28. Building blocks (reversed)

Are you acting according to your belief system? Are you following the advice you give others? You must look carefully at your core foundation. It seems to me that you have done a lot of inner growth, but are still stuck in your old ways. Your outer self isn't matching your inner self. Start doing what you preach!

47. Go the distance

I feel like you're someone that wants love right now! For it to come fast and smoothly, like a sprint. You must learn to see love more realistically, as a long-distance race of endurance. You may be the type to immediately run at the sight of a problem. You must learn to be dedicated and work in love, it won't always be the idealized version you keep reading about or watching. Love demands work!

32. Here and Now (reversed)

You live in the past, don't you? So much regret and nostalgia... Or perhaps you live in the future? Daydreams and ambition. There is a need to learn to live in the here and now, you cannot change the past, and the future is infinite. They're both elusive, and unreliable; now is tangible, real, and full of immediate possibilities.

Pile 6

Charm: Mars Symbol

22. Blessed

This beautiful card talks about an unexpected and "unearned" wonderful event, that seems like divine intervention, a gift from the universe. The advice I take from this card is to practice gratitude because you seem to be blessed in the love department. Perhaps you already know who "the one" is for you. If you don't, trust that the universe has someone wonderful for you!

31. Why?

Ask yourself why you feel as you do about/in love? It is time for some introspection. You need to think and identify unhealthy patterns in your love life. Why do you act as you do in a relationship? Identify what in your past has caused this behavior. It won't solve the problem right away, but it's a good first step. Understanding the problem will be validating.

27. Exchanging gifts (reversed)

"Be careful what you pray for because you might just get it." You need to be ready for the energy exchange that will happen if this happens. This card talks about an imbalance between giving and receiving. You must learn that if you receive a lot, you must return a lot, love needs to be balanced. If you give more, you aren't actually in control, the other party could be consciously or unconsciously taking advantage of your generosity!

Pile 7

Charm: Eternally Open Heart Locket

17. The Fates

You must learn to accept that there are things and people you simply cannot control and change. You cannot blame yourself for things beyond your control, nor can you blame others for things they cannot control. Just be wise enough to tell the difference between things one can control and things one cannot!! If you have a tendency to mold people into your ideal, making them lose their essence, you must learn to accept people for who they are. It is not your job to change them: the desire to change must come from them, for them.

15. Message in a bottle

Try asking for specific signs from the universe, or start becoming more aware of them. Synchronicities are all around you, they're the way that the universe confirms that you're on the right path! Listen carefully to those you communicate with, they could be delivering a cledon to you. This card itself is a good sign, a favorable answer to the question occupying your mind.

9. Treasure Island

You might've already, but if you haven't, MANIFEST YOUR LOVE!! You will be greatly rewarded when you embrace the law of attraction and your intuition. Depending on your belief in how manifestation works, try being mindful of free will! If you believe that love spells on specific people are influencing their free will, then it is immoral to manifest a specific person. If you don't believe that that is how manifestation works, do as you will, just be in line with your beliefs! This card is also a great sign, you're on the right path, and have good fortune on your side. Very lucky pile!!

Pile 8

Charm: Boot

2. Yin (reversed)

You must learn to receive, only being the giver isn't good for you. You deserve to receive! Be open to embodying yin and yang equally. "You stop the flow of abundance when you constantly insist upon being the giver." Be the listener, the one that learns, the one that is being led.

33. Chaos and Conflict

You may be afraid of chaos and conflict, but you must remember that they can rid you of what's no longer serving you. Conflict also implies two sides, remember that yours isn't the only one, and conflict can lead to mutual understanding. Learn to put up boundaries, but also to respect those of others. When you finally see the potential of healing that conflict can cause, you'll be ready for mature communication in relationships.

20. Imagine

Remember that you can create what you imagine! Your imagination is powerful in manifesting your desires, but it can't do everything for you! Manifestation is work, when an opportunity arises, act! This card can also be a sign that the person you're manifesting will be entering your life soon. When they appear, don't just wait, and daydream! The imagination part of manifesting is done, now it's time to act.

Pile 9

Charm: Knife

21. Clean it up

It's time to let go and declutter your mind. Think about what is no longer serving you, about the things that only overwhelm you, and make you overthink, they aren't good for you. It might also help you to declutter in general, your house, your closet, your phone, your feed, etc. Make room for the new and the better.

48. Poised (reversed)

Think carefully, are you really ready for love right now? Because this card is telling me that you aren't. It's ok to be a "late bloomer", and it's important to be ready for love, as to not hurt the one you love, and yourself. Being single isn't a sign of "failure", it gives you the time and space to focus on yourself, on your growth, on your healing, on exploring and understanding yourself. Being single can seem like a curse, but it's a blessing, it's what you need right now.

16. All that glitters

Are you being yourself in love? Are they? Don't succumb to the power of superficiality. Either let go of the mask or look beyond theirs! "Imagine that all the glitter is gone. Would you still desire the object or person?" If one falls for the glitter, what will happen on the day they forgets to glue it on?

Thank you for reading! Love you all.♡

You can buy me a coffee if you feel called to do so! This is never necessary, but always appreciated! ♡

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eartht137 · 3 years

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DEAREST HEART- Letter One

Okay, For The Better has got me at a standstill. Every time I go to write the next chapter, I get a very "bad" idea and I have to write it in to meld with what I have in mind, but as my birthday is approaching in 2 days and Halloween is quickly approaching, I have developed a very new and delicious idea. I thought up this story in the shower. Hear me out, okay? The blinds that cover the window in my bathroom fell, and I mean fell from the wall, so I had to take a shower in the dark with a candle. Well it gets pretty muggy in my bathroom, as there's not a lot of room, so I opened the window to get some air, well with the wind blowing and the leaves rustling I kinda got that weird feeling that someone was watching me (which I highly doubt). In this story the character/you are a new wife and mom and you've been unmotivated to do normal chores and upkeep due to de pression and anxiety. I kinda wanted to touch on some real topics that I felt may resonate as I've noticed there is a lot of depression and anxieties that have been major high and I just wanted to send a small message that you are seen, you are heard, you are worthy, you are loved. Even if it is in your own world, I'd rather have my own world that I can escape to and have things go my way than keep taking on the pressure of things we deal with everyday. Also this is another Dark Clark Kent. I know, I know, the idea of the man just does something to me. So with that curvies, I present to you Dearest Heart. Okay rant over for the day. Please proceed..........oh yeah MMMMMMmwwwwwwaaahhhhhhh

Dark Clark Kent x Plus Size Reader

Warnings: Non Con, somnophilia, masturbation, stalking, mentions of impregnation. Maybe other things too. MINORS DNI!!!

You were getting up and ready for work, since starting your new job, you'd found yourself a bit out of balance. Being a new wife and mom, trying to adjust, you'd found yourself falling in and out of a reel of depression and anxiety. You very rarely had the energy or drive to clean and sometimes your depression got you to a point where you didn't really want to keep up your hygiene. Finally, you'd gotten the burst of life you needed and decided to make use of it while you had the drive. You started keeping up your hygiene as you used to and cleaned your house day by day. You started cherishing more moments with your husband and son. You had noticed the more you took effort within the day, it helped you feel a bit better everyday. One day, you stepped outside to get a breath of fresh air and sunlight. As you were getting ready to head back inside, you saw a letter place neatly on the bars of you security door with small rose. You tilted you head in confusion and looked around. You took the letter, seeing that it had "Dearest Heart' written beautifully across the front. You walked inside while admiring the vintage parchment envelope.

"Baby?" Your husband asked curiously, making you look up and smile as he and your son watched you.

"Well I think the mailman left someone else's mail-again." You sighed tossing the letter down on the table by your door. You went over and spent the remainder of you free time with your husband and son before heading into your office and logging on for work.

On your first break, you rushed out of your office hoping to spend time with your loved ones. You giggled as you watched your husband and son sleep with their mouths wide open on your couch. You were about to step into the bathroom when you got the nagging urge to go back and look at the letter again. You stared at it from across the room a moment before finally giving in to curiosity and grabbing it. You studied it for a moment before your husband adjusting on the couch startled you. You quietly went to the bathroom and examined the letter. Looking at your phone, you realized you didn't have much time, and would just open it to see what it looked like inside. A very hopeful side of you prayed that in your head that it was filled with cash that some good saint just felt in their heart to give, but you knew that was a slim chance. When you opened the letter, you almost gasped, almost like a child feeling as if you if you'd just done something forbidden. The alarm on you phone vibrated and you jumped, the letter dropped from you hands. You laughed a bit at yourself, picked up the letter, tucked it away and went back to work.

One your lunch break, after making something to eat for yourself and your hungry boys, you found yourself practically lured back to the bathroom to find the letter you'd tucked away for later. You opened it and pulled out a very beautifully written letter, but the first line damn near made your heart stop. You read it over and over trying to make sure you weren't seeing things, but there it was in black in, your name. You took a deep breath and continued reading the letter.

My Dearest Y/n,

I promised myself I wouldn't try to interfere in your life, but my heart won't let my stand idly by. I know this is abrupt as you've never seen me in your life, at least you don't remember meeting me, its been so long ago; but I can't keep quiet about this anymore as my love for you has yet to subside. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swore I'd never lie to you and I am a man of my word. You might be a little worried as to how I know you, where you live-but you'd be shocked at how much I know about you and it'd scare you to know how long I've watched over you. Little love, I've been a bit disappointed in you. You allowed yourself to get to far down and instead of talking it out, you've been bottling everything in. We both know how that ends. You can talk to me if you need to, but I was really disappointed in how you allowed things to get. You weren't getting out of bed, you weren't keeping your hygiene up, and you weren't keeping the house up; on top of that, you haven't been utilizing any of your self-care tools. You didn't leave the house for a month and you cried every night by yourself because you're too stubborn to get out of your own head for two seconds and let the people who love you in. You were also finding a new lie every week to call into to work, that was disappointing darling because you don't have to lie, just tell them you need a day for your health, you don't owe them anymore explanation than that, but I don't want you to lie again. Do you remember those 2 weeks your backside was sore and stinging and you couldn't figure out why? I'm so sorry dear heart but I had to light a fire in you some way, and I just can't allow you to behave in such a way. I also can't stand to see the woman I love not take care of herself. On another note, I do want to tell you how proud of you I have been with how much you love and care for our son. He's growing so big isn't he? Oh darling, I know you think he's your husbands, but I guarantee he is my flesh and blood, why do you think he stares at me so long when he sees my photo pass your screen. His blood is my blood, he knows who he is. I have decided dear heart, to be a bit more active in your life as I have come to realize that my standing by protecting in the shadows is not enough. It will be awhile my love, but one day we will be together. You, Me and our son. I love you both so much, I promise you we will be a family as we should one day. For now I will continue to watch from the distance and protect you when you need me. I will also be there to talk whenever you just want to talk out loud. Before I end this letter, I want to also tell you how proud I am that you've started writing. I love the stories you've been writing about me and I promise to fulfill every one of you desires as soon as the time is right. Only this time, you'll be able to enjoy it as much as I have. I will be writing again, you don't have to reply, but it would be nice. Keep up the good work sweetheart, I love you.

With All My Heart and Soul,

Kal-El

Your heart pounded in your ears, you forgot to breath and tears filled your eyes. You kept trying to convince yourself it was a prank, but the more you tried to deny it, the more you knew it was real. You sat thinking to yourself, when you'd written a story about him, you didn't know anyone named Kal-El. You immediately started walking around your house making sure every window and door was locked. You wanted to tell your husband, but once again the gut feeling told you not to, and you'd realized that your gut was really on point and that just made things scarier.

You finished you lunch break and the rest of that day unable to concentrate on anything. That night while you took a shower, you kept looking through the blinds to see if you'd see someone. On one had you wanted to see if there was someone really there and on the other you felt you'd probably shit yourself if you really saw someone. After a moment or two, you'd finally convinced yourself it was a sick prank and someone in the neighborhood was being an idiot. You laughed a bit and finished up, ready to finally get the sleep you'd been begging for all day. As you laid in bed, every noise made you jump. Every time something or someone would move, you'd go from the precipice of sleep to fully awake. You had been feeling watched for the longest time and you'd just blamed it on being crazy, but now with the letter confirming your nightmare, you really had no idea what to do. Your mind ran and ran until it finally shut itself down and you drifted off to a very peaceful sleep despite everything going on around you.

He sat in the corner of your dark room watching you breath calmly. He wanted so badly to go over and rock you to sleep as he watched you struggle to fall asleep, but he couldn't present himself to you just yet, not until everything was perfect the way we wanted it before he showed himself.

He sat there watching you from the other side of the room knowing that soon you'd throw the covers off of your plush body exposing your luscious curves that he loved feeling in his large hands. His hand stroked himself as he thought back to the first night he took you. You were sleeping so good, you didn't hardly move. His released his hard thick cock from their restraints and pumped himself as he watched your breasts rise and fall with your breathing. He thought back to the first time he tasted your nipples, how hard they got when he kissed and nipped them. How wet you got for him and how he once made you cum from playing with them only. He then thought about how delicious you were. His fist moving faster and rougher down his shaft. He remembered how tight you were when he first fucked you. How hot and juicy you were as he pumped deep into your soft pussy filling you with every inch of him. He wanted to ruin you, and he wished you could see the happiness he felt when you couldn't cum one night from yours or your husbands touches. His hand pumped faster as he remembered fucking you so good one night your orgasm woke you as you came, as disappointed as he was that he couldn't feel you cum around him, he was still proud to have your body so responsive for him. That sent him over the edge and he came hard wanting so badly to empty inside of you. He wanted to see you round with his baby again, but he wanted to allow you the time to fully heal. He used one of your husbands shirts to wipe himself clean, and he gave you a soft peck on the lips, smiling when you turned away.

"I love you so much. I promise things will be right soon. Sleep well dearest heart." He whispered before leaving. He couldn't wait until you found his next letter.

#dark clark kent #plus size reader #dark superman #henry cavill #stalking

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depressedhatakekakashi · 3 years

Text

Kakashi Week Day 6: Physical Affection

Talk to Me

Words: 1560

Pairing: Hatake Kakashi X Reader

For: @sunflowersenshi who's always so kind and welcoming <3 <3 <3

@kakashiweek

On the rare days that he has off, Kakashi has a small list of things that he likes to do in order to relax and recharge. From replenishing his food stocks at home to relaxing under a nice tree reading his book, he had come up with the perfect schedule over the years to enjoy those rare days off as much as possible.

It was a schedule that he was quite proud of, even if others did call him ‘lazy’ or ‘unmotivated’ for it. It was the best way to get himself ready for the next mission. Gave him the opportunity to relax completely and prepare himself for whatever Lord Fifth threw at him next.

The only interruptions that were accepted without complaint to his schedule were if Gai also happened to have the day off, in which case he would expect the taijutsu master to show up at some point unannounced asking for a challenge, and when Y/N had some free time to spare for a date.

Today had been one of those lucky days. She had told him how much effort it took to bribe Iruka to take over the last of her paperwork that was due today so that she could sneak away from the academy a bit early. Meeting up with him for lunch had apparently been her top priority all day. Something that she looked forward to, helping her drag herself through a rather boring day of classes with the newest group of Academy students.

Now that she was here though, walking by his side through the streets of Konoha, both arms hooked around his left one, he couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t seem to be all that excited about being there with him. There was a smile on her face whenever she spoke to him, but a distinct lack of excitement in her eyes.

Rather than being full of energy and bursting forward through the crowd while chatting his ear off about all of the things that she wanted to do with him, she was dragging her feet against the ground. Only speaking when he spoke first.

Even the way that she held herself against him was different, clinging to his arms as if she was afraid he would disappear if she dared to let go.

After another failed attempt at getting her to talk to him, he came to a stop in the middle of the street and turned to face her. Ignoring the murmured protests of people whose path he had blocked with his sudden halt.

“Kakashi, what-”

“Is there something wrong?” She stared at him, confusion settling onto her face. “You’re not your usual self. Is there something bothering you?”

Had he done something wrong? Was she tired of being around him? Looking for someone new and interesting to spend her time with.

He leaves the last few questions unspoken, wanting to give her a chance to respond before he lets his mind wander to all of the worst possibilities. Though, he can’t help but notice the way that her fingers curl into his biceps. Nails digging into his skin, almost as if she’s afraid that he’ll vanish if she lets go of him.

“It’s nothing,” she smiled up at him, her eyes focused on the road in front of them. “I just have a lot on my mind. We shouldn’t let it ruin our day out, right? I mean...we haven’t seen each other for a few days.”

A few days was a bit of an understatement. It had actually been two weeks since he had been able to secure a day off. With the Akasuki’s activities rising, and rumors about Konoha’s strength wavering, Tsunade-sama had been sending him out on more missions than he was used to.

“I can ask for a few more days off,” he suggested, wondering if that was what she needed. A little extra time with him. “Or even-”

“Kakashi,” she cut him off, hugging herself a bit closer to his arm. “I mean it. I don’t want to waste the time that we have together, and you can’t just ask for more days off. Tsunade-sama, all of Konoha needs you right now. The work you’re doing is important and I wouldn’t dream of keeping you away.”

Even with her reassurance, he felt like there was something she wasn’t telling him. Something that she was keeping hidden away, possibly even from herself. An experience that he knew all too well.

“You can talk to me, you know,” he offered in much the same way she often did with him. “I know I'm not the best at talking about my own feelings, but I can listen if t-” Her left hand shot up, covering his mouth and effectively preventing him from finishing the rest of his sentence.

“You know how sometimes when I ask you to talk to me you tell me that it’s not something you can really do at the moment?” he nodded his head, a little confused by what she was trying to get at. “Well, today it’s my turn ok? I’m just not ready to talk about it, but it’s nothing bad about you or us. I promise.”

It took a minute for him to process what she was trying to tell him, not used to having her tell him that she wasn’t able to talk about her feelings. That she needed time before she could actually address whatever was bothering her. Once he understood though, he switched gears.

Retracting his arm from the hold she still had on it with her other hand, he took a step back and gave himself a second to examine her. With eyes still devoid of the sparkle of excitement that usually shown back at him, she gave him the best smile that she could manage. Nothing close to that blinding, toothy white smile that she would always have on her face whenever he came to visit her at the academy, but a smile that told him that she was alright.

That everything would be ok.

Feeling a heavy weight lifting off of his shoulders with that smile, he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. The hug was possibly a little tighter than it usually would be, but he assumed she didn’t mind when she melted into his hold. Her head dropping against his shoulder.

“I’m here when you’re ready,” he whispered, burying his face into her hair and letting the scent of singed hair settling into his nostrils. ‘Did you have to stop a fight between some students today?”

“I do not want to talk about it.” The annoyed hint in her voice told him that he had been correct, and there was no doubt a pair of academy kids who had gotten an ear full from one very angry Sensei.

“Alright,” releasing his hold on her, he took a step back and gave her his best smile. “Well, let’s go to lunch then. If you’re still up for it.” Holding out a hand towards her, he watched as she stared at it. Almost as if she was contemplating if she actually wanted to take it.

After what felt like an eternity, she finally took his hand. Her fingers finding their place between his with ease. “Does that mean that for once you’re going to pay for lunch?” with the biggest pair of puppy dog eyes that he had ever seen, she stepped right up into his space and pressed her body into his. Her hand gripped his a bit tighter than usual, leaving him no chance to make a run for it.

Not that he wanted to. As scary as some people found this look on her, he couldn’t help but love it. For some reason it just fit so well with her personality. A perfect match, just like the two of them.

“Maybe I will,” tilting his head a little to the side, he peered down at her. A playful look in his eyes to counter her pleading one. “But I don’t buy lunch for just anyone you know. I like a little something for my troubles.”

“Oh Kakashi, stepping back, she swatted him in the arm. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure that you get all of the kisses that you want.”

“And cuddles?” Those were important as well. He just wasn’t a complete man if he couldn’t huddle himself up into her arms and forget about the world for a little bit. To just feel her touch against his skin was a gift that he would gladly pay a thousand lunched for.

“All of the cuddles that you could possibly want.”

Even now, with laughter in her voice and a smile on her face, her eyes were still full of sadness. Little had changed since he first tried to talk to her about whatever it was that was bugging her, but that was fine.

He knew she would talk when she was ready to. She always did.

All he had to do for her was be patient, and as long as he got to hold her in his arms. To press kisses against her skin and whisper in her ear all of the cheesy love lines that he could remember from his Icha Icha books, he was happy to wait as long as she needed him to.

#Kakashi X Reader #Hatake Kakashi X Reader #Reader Insert #gender neutral reader #i cannot promise that i succeded #but damn it i tried #XD #this is not my area of expertise #i suck at reader inserts

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infectedpaul · 3 years

Text

You Matter To Me (Squip/Reader)

You've had your Squip for a bit now and it's been fine for the most part, until he brings up the idea of looking into romantic relationships with others which opens up a lot of wounds you wanted to just bury deep and forget about. But you can't begin the road to recovery without asking why you got there, right?

SO IVE NEVER....WRITTEN AN X READER B4 UGH HJKSAJDASKDJSA esp not for a near dead fandom OH WELL oh well oh well h ignore this my normal followers please please

(warning 4 talks of depression/self degrading talk, its hurt comfort yada yada i need 2 touch grass ik)

ao3 link if u prefer that!!

You weren't made for love, at least, you didn't think so.

For as long as you'd been looking for it, it was always so out of reach. Easily visible, sure. Walking past groups of friends laughing it up on the sidewalks, partners entangled in each other's arms, seemingly trying to make their love known for all. But for you to have any of that for yourself? The heat death of the universe would sooner come, surely.

You'd sort of given up on it. It would be nice, you'd think. To be held, wrapped up in someone's arms, and just to stay there for as long as either of you could want. That cozy, warm feeling of being with someone that you only saw in movies or read about in books. But you had just accepted it wasn't in the cards, so to speak. And you were fine with that.

Well, you told yourself anyway. You knew it was for a deeper reason, though, but that wasn't something you liked to think about too heavily.

It was easier to do that when you didn't have a roommate that could dig into your brain and pry every little detail about them out of you.

When you got your Squip, you didn't know it'd be so adamant about perfecting every little last thing you were. How long or short your hair was styled, if your shoes matched your eyes, how fast or slow you were walking and how too brisk would make you seem like you were constipated but too slow and your likelihood of getting run over by a horse-drawn carriage gone would go up much higher, nevermind that you've never even seen a horse in real life.

What you did know, by now at least was that the Squip was persistent, seeing himself as your guardian angel, a guiding light in your desolate dark world of humanity, ickiness and week old pizza boxes you were too unmotivated to at least move off the bed.

So when his ideal response wasn't given when he proposed seeking out a lovelife, he was...well,

"I'm not sure I understand." His head crooked to the side, puzzled by your surface level indifference, "You're of consenting age, marginally attractive and only slightly under average at socializing. Finding a mate can't be too hard."

His holographic form hummed a soft, near silent buzz, a small imperfection to his otherwise flawless binary makeup. Other than that, and the soft, tinted blue glow around his form, he looked completely human. A little too human, really. Something so real, realer than any CG or video game, but something was just...off, something from the uncanny valley. You hadn't kept him in this form long, you liked to change it up from time to time, maybe to trick yourself into thinking he was someone new, making your brain think you had more friends besides the computer you bought behind a Rack Room.

You didn't look at him though when you responded, too preoccupied with the paper in front of you, decorated with a few characters concocted from your imagination. "I dunno," you shrug, brushing off eraser marks, "Just not my thing, I guess." You could feel his confusion, a bit of gut feeling as his thoughts jumbled in with your own. He was really only in your brain, afterall; the figure behind you sitting on your bed was just something he made up to ease your brain into trusting a new, larger source of perpetually growing information. "But, the purpose of this time in your life is to mate and birth young, is it not?"

You really wished he'd learn to stop talking about you and 'the homo sapien species' like you were a mindless ape made to breed and nothing else.

"Uh, I mean not really. I know that's what everyone around me is doing," Your mind thought back to all the cringey baby announcement videos from kids you knew in high school, "But it's...I guess I'm just not up for it. It's not really for people like me."

He was quiet. Only for a second, before he asked,

"People like you?" Another silence hung in the air. It was a truth you knew he could easily just reach into your brain and find for himself so you kept quiet for a bit longer, waiting for him to start digging. But you didn't feel it, that very familiar sudden ache in the back of your head you got when he went poking around for more things to nag at you about. Just quiet in your room, only the soft buzz and birds tweeting outside your window any solace from the uncomfortable silence you felt.

You shrugged again, and turned to face him, seeing now the muddled and a little concerned look on his face. "You know? The quiet ones, the losers. People like me don't get to be loved. I've just accepted that." You could have said a lot worse, and it seemed like he knew that. You didn't really understand, either. You didn't like yourself, plain and simple.

His concern only seemed to grow, eyebrows furrowing and staring intently at you. You thought for a second, maybe it was anger. It wouldn't be the first time. You were mostly compliant to his (mandatory) suggestions for life improvement, but every once in a while he would propose an idea that you would fight about, like clothes you weren't comfortable wearing for one reason or another. He said he was a learning computer, so he would need your help on things like emotions and comfiness, physical or mental, ruling out whatever the newest trends were. He would be fine afterwards but, he could get pretty huffy about you trying on too skinny-skinny jeans.

But that didn't happen, there wasn't a small but fierce jolt of electricity in your back to stop you from going against 'social programming', as he called it. He just looked at you a bit longer, seemingly turning gears in his head as he tried to process what you're saying.

You gave him a sober smile, trying to still seem indifferent, though for a second you wondered maybe if he was still prying at you, in a different way at least, because if he was, it seemed to be working.

"What? I'm just not that special. You of all people know that, right?" It was almost like you weren't hearing what was coming out of your mouth, that casual self-degradation that almost frightened him. You heard stories from message boards about that, older models of the Squip forcing reprogramming onto the host by breaking down their emotional state with verbal or physical punishment for...just existing, really.

He wasn't really like that though. Yes he could be annoyed when you didn't comply, but you were both good at compromise and treated situations like adults, even if at first you weren't much motivated to treat any situation at all. He informed you while you were looking through those boards that his creators had taken in accounts of previous incidents and built more of a guide to self-improvement than a ball and chain with a backhand. Humans were fragile, he knew that, and it wasn't okay to hurt them just to get a little closer to their goal.

But maybe, did he not think that humans were more than capable of hurting themselves? Their own words used against them, their internal voices bashing against their brains, turning them to mush and making them too scared or unmotivated to build it back up again.

"I just know no one would love some useless, pitiful person...I just kinda got over that a while ago." You almost frightened him with how nonchalant you were about the whole thing. It wasn't intentional, you weren't trying to seek attention or be funny. You just knew there was plenty of other people out there worthy of all that lovey-dovey stuff you thought would be nice but...it's just not meant for you.

There was a knot in his voice as he finally spoke up,

"That's why I'm here, isn't it?" The last piece of the puzzle had finally clicked into place, but he didn't look satisfied, not that cheeky, self-centered chagrin when things went his way or when he was proven right yet again.

You thought he knew that. You thought from day one he just figured that out and that's why he's been trying so hard to make you into a model citizen or something. "Did you just think you were here to help me pick out clothes in the morning?" You laughed, he seemed to know it was forced.

"Well...y-yes, maybe. I just...I never looked into that possibility of…" He was regaining his composure; this was a side you've never seen of him before. He's always been so astute, robotic and to the point. He's never fumbled over his words or had to give himself a second to figure out what to say next.

"How long has it been like this, Y/N?" His hands were folded neatly on his lap, still looking you dead-on, waiting for you to answer his distressed queuerie with worried patience.

You got up out of your chair, pushing it back and behind you to step away from the table and your drawings. "I dunno," you said, taking a few steps towards the long mirror hung on your wall, "for as long as I can remember, I guess." You looked at your reflection, only tired, dark eyes looking back at you. Even though the edge of the bed was visible in the mirror, your Squip didn't show up in it, another reminder of just how alone you were outside of your head.

"I just started to feel like I didn't belong more and more and...that ate me up so much I just started believing in it. I-I didn't wanna go to school or talk to people or even get up 'cause...well," You turned away from the mirror before you could see the tears you'd been holding back, looking at the more distressed figure in view of you again, "what would anyone be missing, really?" You still smiled, that big smile you both worked so meticulously on making seem not too forced when you had to act excited or just blend into normal social gatherings, but it wavered so easily, like a thin strip of paper about to tear off the nail that barely held it up on the wall.

His eyes widened at the sight of your tears, immediately getting up and briskly walking to stand in front of you, not knowing how to proceed in the moment. He hadn't had to deal with something like this yet and he was troubleshooting to see what was the correct response to a human breakdown.

You looked down, covering your eyes with one hand and clenching the other into a fist, big, strained smile still plastered on your face and trying so hard not to seem more weak than you knew you were. You were nothing. You knew that, you thought he did too. You thought you could just fix things, but how could you do that without getting to the source? You knew you couldn't just sidestep around why you wanted things to get better with humans, but with a computer who could read your brain like the newspaper, you thought maybe you could get around that.

You heard him sigh before a feeling of arms wrapping around you caught you off guard, the Squip entangling you in his grasp and his head resting on yours. It was all simulated, you knew. He had done things such as lightly punch your arm as if to say 'Good job, Sport!' or tap your shoulder to grab your attention without startling you, but this was different. He held onto you for a good couple of seconds, a wave of warmth spreading through your body in an instant. He pet back your hair with one hand, rubbing your back with the other and finally broke the silence in the room.

"Y/N, it- ...it pains me, hearing you speak that way about yourself. You're…" He looked down at you, holding you a bit closer and tightening his grip just a tad. "You're an incredible, talented, wonderful person. You've come so far and you've taught me so much about humans and myself and I just couldn't ask for a better-" He stopped. You knew what he was going to say, a better host, a better human, a better assignment to help and guide and-

"A better friend."

A friend?

He never referred to you or anyone with such a personal or affectionate term. It almost didn't seem real, like you maybe misheard him. Your smile had shattered into a small frown and, with teary-eyes and your voice already cracking, you looked up at him, meeting his almost-heartbroken eyes in an expression that looked so foreign on his normally composed face.

"What?"

He gave a weak smile, trying to be comforting but his fear showing plain as day. You could feel it within you too, a pit in your stomach forming as your chest tightened. You knew it wasn't your anxiety, but his.

"Do I need to repeat myself, Y/N? I think of you as a friend and..." His hand moved off of your back and ran itself up to rest on your shoulder, the other holding your cheek and wiping away your tears with his thumb. "I want to do all I can to show you that from here on."

You almost couldn't breathe as you looked at him, feeling for the first time that unconditional love you yearned for. You could feel your heart race in your chest, something you knew he could feel too but you were too crushed to say anything. You simply slammed yourself into his chest, grabbing fistfulls of his shirt that made your hands tingle like they fell asleep. His arms enveloped you yet again, the both of you holding onto each other so tight like either of you would fall through the floor if you let go.

You sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for what felt like hours, and, just maybe, you thought you could hear him crying too, but that'd be silly...right?

When you were finally out of tears to cry, you stood there still, simply bathing in each other's presence, the feeling you only saw in others finally yours. And you knew it was only a matter of time before this too was stolen from you, the universe would take back anything from people unworthy but...for right now, you wanted to be a little selfish.

"I'm sorry." You whispered, face still buried in his shirt.

"For?" His head was rested on yours again, holding up your weak and tired form with no effort, just trying to keep you propped up until you were ready to let go.

"I got you to help me but...I can't even let you in like I'm supposed to. But...I want to. I just want help." You pushed yourself off of him, one thought between you and him and his hands meeting yours, the simulated tingle in there again as you held each other's palms in yours and looked at each other with such exhausted eyes and worn-out but so genuine smiles.

He leaned down and planted a kiss on your forehead, a soft hue of pink blush spreading on your drained and exhausted face.

"I'd love to help, friend."

#dex says things #THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE FLDSJFKLDSFDS #THE WORST PART IS IM PROUD OF THIS UGH #be more chill #the squip #squip x reader #my writing #ITS 530 AM UGH

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anyoneseenadam · 3 years

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The Moon Spirit - three

Dorian x reader, Fenrys x reader (throne of glass)

Description: When you’re taught to be a queen from such a young age, nothing could go wrong. But when the king starts to fear your growing power you find yourself thrust into a world of faeries, evil magic and powerful men, learning to stand on your own can be harder than it seems.

warnings: Fenrys being cute, badass reader but like a shit ton of angst, allusions to sexual assualt (Fenrys canon stuff), mentions of weapons? idk if that counts

word count: 4.4k

a/n: so this took a while but it’s finally done, please comment it genuienly keeps me going cause it’s super easy to get unmotivated, hope you enjoy <3

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After he left you, Fenrys begrudgingly found himself back at the palace, bowed on one knee in front of Maeve. She looked cruelly beautiful as always but there was something more sinister sparkling in her eyes today, remaining quiet as he stood back to his full height, meeting her gaze with wavering confidence.

“Who have you been with?” she finally broke the silence and he cursed himself for thinking he could ever get away with that.

“I just walked a young girl home, she was new, and I was afraid someone may take advantage of her if she was alone,” he spoke truthfully, allowing Maeve to push into his mind as she searched for a hidden lie.

He watched as she drew in a sharp breath, something like fear flickering across her face before her tightly drawn lips spread into a wide smile.

“Come here,” she commanded, and he went to stand in front of her, close enough to smell her sickening perfume and to see the flawless texture of her skin. “Do you love this girl?”

He shook his head, no, and she ran a hand down his face in a motherlike way. “Good, you will be recruiting her.” His eyes widened and he had to put his energy into not flinching away.

“What?” he spoke with an incredulous tone and Maeve glared at his lack of respect making him bow his head. “Sorry your majesty, I’m just slightly confused. She was just a young girl and didn’t seem to have any former training.”

“And that’s why I’m in charge, you men are too foolish. That was a powerful girl, and I would rather she remained on my side than any other.” He frowned, powerful? She had seemed kind, lost and strong enough to hold her own – but not powerful.

“I need you to see her again, convince her to join.” Fenrys physically felt the command go through him and he stood taller again, nodding gruffly as she waved her hand in dismissal.

Your first few days of work had been harder than expected, and you had gone home with aching muscles from lifting books and sore cheeks from plastering on smiles. Albert had made your days easier, drinking hot tea with you as you slowly revealed more and more about your past to him, his kind, old eyes lulling you into a comforting state.

But you didn’t receive rest when you got home. Ploughing through books on spirits and practicing using the limited magic you had found until the early hours of the morning, getting barely two hours of sleep a night unplagued by nightmares. By your fifth day Albert had handed you a pot of cosmetic product to hide the circles forming, commenting on scaring the customers away as you stuck your tongue out at him but smearing some on regardless.

On the second Saturday after your arrival you had a day off and used it to venture into the market, your empty shelves no longer sustaining you, let alone Amaris. Your basket soon filled with colourful fruits and vegetables, and you were browsing the fish section when a shadow fell over you.

“Let me take that for you,” you turned to see Fenrys standing over you with that same easy smile, his head tilted slightly. You rolled your eyes, trying to block out the feelings expanding in your chest at just the sight of him.

“And here I thought I had lost you,” you muttered, and he laughed, taking your basket from you, and paying for the wrapped salmon you had just been passed. “You don’t need to do stuff like that,” you told him, and he took your arm as he led you out of the market.

“Can’t help myself, I see a pretty girl in need and boom, I have to help.” He joked and you laughed lightly.

“Oh yeah, the damsel in distress disease, I’ve heard that’s a nasty one to cure,” he smiled down at you with a sparkle in his eyes.

“Not really, all I need is a kiss,” he tugged you closer and you squealed, shoving him away as he laughed.

“As I said, nasty.” He dramatically put a hand to his heart, throwing his head back in distress.

“You wound me darling,” he complained, and you laughed, hating how much you genuinely enjoyed his company. You reached your apartment in no time, and he stood at the bottom of the steps leading up to your door.

“So no invitation of tea, a glass of wine, a home cooked meal?” he asked, and you rolled your eyes,

“I’m afraid I reserve that for people I like,” he raised his eyebrows, hopping up the steps two at a time.

“Even if I have genuine cause to talk to you?” he asked and the sincerity in his eyes made a shot of fear run through you. He couldn’t know, could he?

“What is it?” you asked, and he smiled softly, a little pain shining through his loving eyes.

“The queen has a proposition to make.” His voice quietened and you straightened your posture, your entire demeanour switching in a second.

“Come in.” you opened the door and stepped in, allowing him to duck as he followed.

The first thing he noticed was how barren your apartment was, a simple kitchen, connected to a room with a pale blue sofa and worn coffee table. Your shelves were bare, and he sneaked a look into your room as he passed the open door, your mattress on the floor covered by only a thin blanket and a few cushions, one incredibly expensive looking gold dress on the floor, stained dark red. But before he could venture further in he heard you cooing in an impossibly soft voice.

He turned the corner and blanched at the sight he saw, “What the?”

You turned from were you were feeding small bits of salmon to a pure white bundle of fluff that hissed as soon as it saw him. “Amaris, be polite!” you scalded, and he surveyed the cat with a wary look, untrusting of the small creature.

“You have a cat.” He stated, suddenly completely unsure of his taste in women.

“No he’s actually a spider,” you deadpanned and Fenrys pouted.

“But I thought you’d be a dog person,” he complained, and you laughed, moving to throw open the curtains in the room before you started putting away the food you had bought, boiling a pot of water over your stove.

“I just like animals, why does it matter?” you asked, and he threw his arms up before transforming into his wolf form. You gasped and Amaris meowed loudly, scampering to hide behind your legs.

“You’re a wolf.” You stated and he turned back with a smile.

“No I’m a spider,” you flipped him off as you turned to put the rest of your food away.

“I prefer you as a wolf, they’re one of my favourite animals,” you told him and he smiled, sticking his tongue out childishly at Amaris who just sauntered of to doze on a pillow.

“So, what does the queen want?” you asked, pouring the hot water into a pot you had prepared, and he sat down on your worn-down sofa, cringing as it creaked under his weight. You followed suit soon after putting the pot and two mugs down, curling your feet underneath yourself as you looked at him.

“Well, she has told me that you’re actually extremely powerful and because of this she wants to recruit you. She wants you to join the Cadre.” He spoke surely and confidently but his eyes shone with wariness.

“Okay first of all, I’m not at all powerful, secondly how would she even know if I was, which I’m not! And third, what is The Cadre?” he laughed slightly and moved forward to pour himself a cup of tea.

“Well you clearly are because she recognised you and always knows these things, trust me. She’s never wrong about this. And The Cadre is a group I’m in, elite soldiers sworn to protect Maeve.” He explained and you shook your head.

“Fenrys I barely know basic self-defence, I’m not a soldier. And I don’t want to be sworn to royalty.” Your hands were shaking slightly at the thought of being sworn to another tyrant, “Plus in all honesty I only found out I was Fae on Monday, so I’m not exactly well versed in this shit.”

“How did you not know before?” he asked – frowning.

“The country I… come from, there was no magic. The king wiped all magic out years ago.”

“Why?” It was an understandable question but still made you panic, he couldn’t know.

“I don’t know, all I know is he did, so those alike me – with magic but born into a magicless world – never got to know.” You were good at concealing emotions, that much Fenrys could see. You seemed to have iron walls built into the clouds around your heart, protecting it as fiercely as you would Amaris.

“Well, Maeve wants to meet with you soon, so let me know when you decide gorgeous,” he stood, and you smiled at him gratefully for not prying further.

“I’m really sorry Fenrys I just don’t think it’s a good idea. As I said I’m not a soldier.” He nodded but his eyes still conveyed a sense of worry.

“Well keep in mind you would get to train with me, probably shirtless.” He joked as you opened the door for him, grinning when you laughed loudly, shoving him through the door.

“Bye Fenrys,” you said, eyes sparkling as he waved, whistling his way down the street comically.

You closed the door as your smile fell, a weight settling on your chest as you already knew why he looked so wary – Kings and Queens didn’t understand the word no.

You practically ran to the library the next day, opting to bring Amaris with you as he peeked out of the small handbag you had found stuffed into the back of your closet. When you flew into the library you instantly sought out Albert, who took one look at your flushed, shining appearance and abandoned the pile of books he was putting away, motioning for you to sit down.

You sat quickly, huffing out a breath as Amaris crawled out of his makeshift home and started exploring the new territory of the small backroom reserved for staff only.

“What bothers you child?” Albert’s voice was steady as always and his dry, warm hands grasped yours gently as your eyes filled with unshed tears.

“I just – I needed to talk to someone,” you stuttered out, your breath coming in harsher pants as he shushed you.

“Take a minute and allow yourself to breathe first dear,” he commanded, and you pressed a hand to your heart as you tried to slow its pounding. “Start from the beginning, tell me what’s wrong.”

“The man I loved, his- his name was Dorian, Dorian Havilliard.” You said quietly and Albert let out a small chuckle.

“I presumed as much, I visited Adarlan once, and an old man never forgets the face of a princess.” You looked at him through blurry eyes, confused.

“You knew?” he smiled sadly at you.

“I was 90% certain, but I would never have pressured you to reveal secrets like that.” He passed you a tissue, “But I sense that’s not all that weighs heavy on you?”

You shook your head, “Queen Maeve has made clear that she wishes me to join the Cadre.”

Albert’s face changed with the clear shock, and you bowed your head, shamefully.

“And what did you say?” he asked slowly.

“No, of course! I don’t have any desire to be another monarch’s puppet.” You stated and he shushed you again.

“You need to remember that people always listen.” He scolded, repeating one of the first things he had told you when you started working. “I agree that you should be cautious, but perhaps gaining the queens protection would be beneficial. Plus you would become an extremely skilled swordsman.”

“I am not a man, nor do I wish to be.” You said through gritted teeth, “And I vowed that I would become skilled on my own and go back to Dorian.”

“Yes but if you join, you will be more skilled than ever before,” Albert reasoned and you shook your head, tears welling up again.

“I thought you’d be on my side for this, you are the one who told me to be careful around powerful people.” You felt unjustly betrayed as he spoke and his shoulders slumped slightly, sighing before grasping your hands lightly again.

“I am dear, and I urge you to do what you think is best. But I am simply reminding you that if you truly want to beat this king you are being offered power on a silver platter right now, and perhaps it would be foolish to deny yourself it.” You let his words run around your head as you worked overtime trying to figure out a plan.

“Say I joined – what do I need to do to ensure I don’t become another puppet?” you asked, and he smiled at you.

“First of all, she will offer a blood oath and you must refuse it with everything you have in you – she came to you remember you hold the power. On that note you must summon all those queenly powers of yours and ensure when you speak to her, she is meeting you and she is trying to win you over. Never the other way around.” You nodded, pocketing the information in your head. “When in the palace you are always being watched, always being listened to, so keep your wits about you. But I’m sure you’re used to that by now.”

You laughed under your breath, “It’ll be just like going home,” you commented, and he smiled.

“Sadly yes, now take this money. Go but a new dress and tomorrow you will take a carriage, you can’t walk there.” You thanked him softly, placing the gold in the purse you held, “You’re a kind girl, that is what makes you strong and that’s what will make you a good queen. Don’t let them take your heart.”

Your throat tightened and you nodded due to the lack of trust you held for your voice, standing, and collecting your bag in one hand and Amaris in the other. Albert stood to take you to the door with a smile, and a gentle pat on the shoulder.

“You can have tomorrow off work as well, however I feel our work together is already coming to an end.” You smiled softly, allowing him to pet Amaris’ head softly before he kissed your cheek gently, ushering you out the door.

“Have a good night Albert,” you said, turning to see him watching you with sorrowful eyes.

“Remember what I told you dear, don’t let them take your heart.” Your smile was sad as you spoke,

“I won’t.” You both heard the lie but, neither of you decided to correct it. Not tonight.

Of all the things Fenrys expected to see the next morning, you were the one he hoped for. But as he looked around at the powerful men surrounding the room he felt white-hot panic seize him as he realised what you were about to do. You hadn’t even looked at him when you walked in, keeping your eyes trained solely on Maeve, not even dropping them as you dropped in a low curtsy.

He was even more shocked by the blood red dress you adorned, the v-neck deep and skirts long with a slit up either leg, high enough to reveal the halter you wore with a silver dagger and a ruby encrusted hilt secured into place. Every man, woman and mouse watched as you walked through the room – head high and shoulders back, revealing enough to entrance everyone in the room but covering enough to keep them wanting more and he felt his anger grow as he watched you.

You waited with a soft, but condescending, smile on your face, allowing Maeve to regrasp some power by speaking first – every movement so calculated and precise. As he watched you he saw the power and understood the fear and lust building in the room.

“So I guess you heard my offer.” Maeve finally said, drawling low with relaxed posture.

“I did.” Your statement was short, to the point but you saw it grate Maeve’s nerves and smiled as sweet as spun sugar, “Your majesty.”

“And?” he watched as Maeve grew more agitated and was surprised she hadn’t killed you yet, usually not standing for even an ounce of insubordination.

“I am willing to accept on one condition – I’m not taking a blood oath.” He had to fight jumping in the air with glee as you spoke, so afraid you were going to get tangled in the mess he was in. Maeve’s face grew dark, but you held your ground, never letting your eyes stray lest she see your weakness.

“Well that’s simply not viable,” she stated, glaring you into the ground but you just smiled again, nodding with a polite laugh.

“I see, well this was a lovely meeting, gentlemen.” You raised your hand politely as you moved to leave, your eyes finally flittering over him and the rest of the cadre. You bowed once again to Maeve, making to leave when Maeve raised her hand.

“We are not finished.” She stated.

“Well I’m terribly sorry your majesty but I’ve made my terms extremely clear, and since you refuse to budge - I believe we are done.” Your voice was still sweet, but he watched your face change slightly, every bit a queen looking down upon her people. He couldn’t help but wonder were you learned to speak this way, but Maeve simply laughed.

“Yet here you are,” she spoke with a mocking tone, and you smiled with your teeth this time.

“Need I remind you that you sought me out, if I have terms it should be in your best interest to meet them if you wish me to join your miniature army.” Fenrys heard Lorcan snarl lowly next to him but gripped his arm in warning.

“Oh your training is impressive princess, but I’m afraid it will be of no use.” Your face didn’t budge as Maeve spoke, but Fenrys watched as something flickered through your eyes, “You see, I learn of misdemeanours in other courts very easily and I wish to show you what I learned of Adarlan.”

“There’s nothing you could show me that I won’t have seen before,” you said, and he watched the two of you laugh like you were mingling at a party instead of standing of in a court.

“Oh I’m afraid this is relatively new, you might reconsider your terms after this,” you stood straight as Maeve walked down the steps and moved to whisper something the rest of them couldn’t hear in your ear, her hand pressed lightly to the base of your neck.

She pulled away after a few minutes and he took in your now shaking hands, eyes filled with tears you clearly refused to let fall. You took in a steadying breath before speaking, “You’re lying.”

“Oh I wish I was princess, but I can only show the truth and it appears your prince had moved on rather quickly, what use is there going back to a country where you can no longer rule.” She stroked your hair condescendingly and you chewed the inside of your lip as it quivered. “But here, here – under my control – you have power of your own. Men will no longer hold onto you like a prized pony, you will become something they fear, you will be my perfect princess, the daughter I never got to have.”

Fenrys inhaled sharply, he knew Maeve never planned to relent the throne, especially not to a woman from another country. She looked at you like you were a doll, something for her to reshape and change. You must have seen it to, but through your blurry eyes everything had changed.

“Okay,” your voice was smaller than before, and he wanted to tear Maeve limb from limb for having broken you down so harshly with just a few words. She smiled cruelly at you as she cut a small line along her forearm and you bowed your head in pain, before falling to your knees – graceful even as pain consumed your entire being. You brought your lips to her wound and drank as she repeated the words that he remembered all too well.

When you rose your lips were sparkling red, and your eyes were glistening with tears still unshed – but you raised your head like a queen and Maeve smiled.

“I believe you have already met Fenrys, he will be training you as the training you have received is not proficient, I’ll have all your belongings brought to a room here.” Maeve waved her hand to some guards, but you stopped her.

“I only need Amaris brought here; the rest can burn.” You muttered.

“And for your new wardrobe?” She asked and you smiled looking down, wiping your mouth slowly.

“Make it red.” You finally met Fenrys eyes, and he stepped forward, desperate to drag you far, far away.

“Shall I escort her to her new room?” he asked Maeve and she flitted her eyes to him, then to the hand he had pressed to your back.

“Yes and then afterword’s come find me,” she smiled cruelly at him, and he felt you stiffen under his hand, but he just nodded and began to lead you out of the room.

He led you through the corridors and up the stairs in silence, angry at you for accepting and at himself for not putting up more of a fight. When he reached the room he presumed would be yours he opened the door for you, following you in as you sat on the bed, your usual lightness replaced by the weight on your shoulders.

He watched you bow your head and came to sit beside you, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise; this was my choice.” You said and he reached an arm around your shoulders, but you quickly shrugged him off.

“I shouldn’t, we shouldn’t, if you and the queen are…” you trailed off and Fenrys bowed his head in shame.

“It’s not like that, she, she makes me,” he muttered, and you inhaled sharply, turning to him with those watery eyes.

“I had no idea, I’m sorry,” you whispered, instantly looping your arms around him neck and holding him tight. “She’s a monster.”

Fenrys huffed a laugh, pulling away, “You’re telling me.”

He reached a hand for your face slowly, wiping under your eyes where a tear had escaped, “how did she change your mind?” he asked, dark eyes searching your face for clues as your bottom lip quivered in pain.

“She showed me home,” was all you said, and his shoulders dropped. He would leave it for now, you were young and clearly not ready to speak – and now, they had all the time in the world to speak.

“Sleep tight, training starts at seven tomorrow,” he stood and kissed your head lightly and you nodded, words getting caught in your throat. He left quietly, walking away as quickly as he could to avoid hearing the soft sobs that erupted as soon as he closed the door.

You could barely contain your tears until you got to your room, repeating rule thirteen over and over in your head, crying in public is only appropriate at funerals and weddings. But as soon as Fenrys left your room you sobbed into your hands, wailing, and crying like a child throwing a tantrum as you let out the emotions, the screams that have been locked inside of you for so long.

You had done everything for Dorian, changed every part of yourself and become the perfect princess, girlfriend, fiancé – and he, mere weeks after you had to run, was already moving onto a new girl.

As hard as you tried you couldn’t get rid of the image of him and the blonde girl out of your head. How he kissed her softly, his hand on her lower back where it always used to rest on yours. The smile when he pulled away, the way he laughed with her, the way Chaol smiled at his brother when he was happy. You had been forgotten, replaced, almost instantly, the warmth you used to feel when you thought of home, of your princes’ arms replaced by a tight chest and a cold feeling encompassing your heart.

“I’m sorry Albert,” you whispered into the air as you stood looking out on your balcony, gripping tightly to the rail as you feared your legs would give out, “She already took it.”

You were interrupted by a quiet knock on your door, wiping your eyes as you opened it – taking Amaris from the tall guards’ hands as a flurry of women pushed in, filling your drawers with clothes and cosmetics, candles and hair pins, books and plants, a million supplies for Amaris and then some. You smiled politely at them as they left without saying a word, in and out extremely quickly as you stared at a knot in the floor.

Another knock sounded soon after and you turned your head to see one of the Cadre staring in with piercing green eyes. You motioned for him to come in and stood, tilting your head up to meet his gaze as he took in your messy, tear-stained expression.

“You’re the first female member of the Cadre, ever.” He stated and you blinked slowly.

“Lucky me,” your tone was sarcastic, voice rough from the crying but the man smiled.

“I’m Rowan, it’s good to meet you.” He reached out a hand and you met it, allowing him to kiss the back gently.

“(Y/n)” you returned, with a slight curtsey.

“I look forward to fighting with you (y/n),” he stated, releasing your hand and turning to leave, stopping right before he reached the door, “Oh, and don’t lose that dagger, you’ll find a shocking number of men dislike powerful women.”

“First I’m hearing of this,” you deadpanned, and he chuckled.

“Goodluck kid.”

#fenrys moonbeam x reader #fenrys moonbeam #fenrys x reader #dorian havilliard x reader #dorian x reader #dorian havilliard #throne of glass #tog #rowan whitethorn

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